BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2025

Some of our favorite moments from 2025. Thank you all for the support. Onward… ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Good Rancher: Head to https://go.goodranchers.com/theo and use my code THEO - all new subscribers get $100 off your first 3 orders with my code + free meat for LIFE when you subscribe. Moonpay: Head over to https://www.moonpay.com/theo to sign up Perplexity AI: Ask anything at https://pplx.ai/theo and download their new web browser Comet at https://comet.perplexity.ai/ ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/ Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Andrew https://www.instagram.com/bleachmediaofficial/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Theo Von?

  You ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9 a.m. and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon. And then I eat it, or you eat it, or somebody eats it, and then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for dinner. And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. Their powder starts at less than $3 per meal, has 40 grams of protein, and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. I like Huell's shakes because they're clean and it's quick.

• 0:41Theo Von?

  I just want to make sure I have everything I need to keep going the way I want to keep going in a healthy manner. So with Huell, basically, lunch went from a daily logistical problem to a thing I can solve in about 30 seconds. Make healthy eating simple. New customers get an exclusive offer of 15% off online with my code WEEKEND at huell.com/weekend. That's H-U-E-L dot com slash weekend. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting our show.

• 1:15Theo Von?

  That's what this is called this past weekend? Yeah.

• 1:20Theo Von?

  How'd you come up with that? Because I just started on a Monday.

• 1:25Theo Von?

  To be honest.

• 1:28Theo Von?

  That's good. What about Bill Cosby? Did you ever get to meet him or not? Before he had all the problems?

• 1:41Theo Von?

  Is being a rapist one of the problems?

• 1:48Theo Von?

  You said it like, before he got scurvy?

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Hey Theo, uh, my name is actually, uh, Theo as well.

• 1:58Theo Von?

  Oh, hello Theo. Good to meet the others. Onward.

• 2:02Speaker 01

  I got a situation here. I've, I've been talking to this girl for like two years and it turns out I got her pregnant. After that all happened, as the word got around and somehow it turns out that she's my first cousin. Any advice would help and, uh, thank you so much.

• 2:21Theo Von?

  Wow dang brother, that's, uh, ooh. That's, you're gonna be raising a dang lizard, homie. You ca- um, wow brother, good golly. That's like shooting fish in a family or whatever. I don't know. I mean, I haven't looked at a chart recently. I don't know the, um, the genetic legalities of that. But it do- yeah, I mean, they say, you know, don't pee where, or don't eat where you're, don't

• 2:56Theo Von?

  piss where your family is or whatever, where, whatever that old saying is, dude. You, I feel like you've gone past that at this point and, um, god. That thing's gonna ha- whew, you're gonna need, um,

• 3:11Theo Von?

  yeah, you're gonna need a, uh, farrier to come and put shoes on that thing. I'm just chirping you. I'm just chirping you dude. I, look, I feel you. I, look, it's having a child with a cousin, I think.

• 3:26Theo Von?

  At the very least, it's gonna need glasses.

• 3:29Speaker 02

  They still have prostitutes that work the streets?

• 3:32Theo Von?

  Do they?

• 3:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:34Theo Von?

  Not here.

• 3:34Speaker 02

  They don't have to anymore, right?

• 3:35Theo Von?

  Where's just some good, where's street walkers still in America? Can you pull that up, please?

• 3:40Speaker 02

  Cause I've been looking. I've told my friends before, I don't get laid much. Uh, that's just a fact about me. But, um, I told my friends, just surprise me with a hooker one day and don't tell me it's a hooker.

• 3:50Theo Von?

  A male hooker?

• 3:51Speaker 02

  A male hooker. They exist? I'm not sure.

• 3:53Theo Von?

  I think that they, yeah, definitely. I mean, there's like Italian guys, if that's what you're talking about. Um, but.

• 4:01Speaker 02

  You know, some women, they say, oh, it's so easy for a woman to get laid. They can have whoever they want. No, it's not true. There are some of us that are through a really hard time.

• 4:10Theo Von?

  Really? I know a lot. I feel like I could name at least five or six guys that would definitely make love to you that I know firsthand.

• 4:17Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 4:17Theo Von?

  And have seen in the past two weeks. You know?

• 4:21Speaker 02

  Wow, and you've got some cool pals.

• 4:24Theo Von?

  Are just, you know, like, I, I, I mean, cause yeah, I don't even, yeah, but it's like, what am I even talking about? Is that a crazy thing to say?

• 4:30Speaker 02

  No, it's great to hear. Actually, that just gave me a little bit of a boost.

• 4:33Theo Von?

  Dude, yeah, are you kidding me, man?

• 4:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, no.

• 4:35Theo Von?

  People that would definitely probably knock you up even.

• 4:41Theo Von?

  You have a lot, you have a decent amount of children.

• 4:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, a lot, eighty-five.

• 4:44Theo Von?

  You have eighty-five, is that your goal?

• 4:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:47Theo Von?

  Yeah, boy, you gotta get.

• 4:49Speaker 03

  But then also the people I've had kids with, we were all on one accord.

• 4:53Theo Von?

  What does that mean?

• 4:55Speaker 03

  I only dated women that were athletic. I'm not having kids just to, just to have kids.

• 5:00Theo Von?

  Oh, so did you have some strategy?

• 5:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, there was strategy behind mine. I don't care about you being a bad bitch. I don't care about you being on IG with your ass out.

• 5:07Theo Von?

  And no BBLs, all of that?

• 5:08Speaker 03

  I don't, I mean, that's fine. Whatever you need to do to, to feel better about yourself, then I'm fine with that. But I needed and only dated women that were athletic. So my kids had a head start on that foundation of athletic ability. And I only date women that already have kids.

• 5:24Theo Von?

  Hmm, you can get a, you can take that kid off to the side and say, hey, man.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  Because, I mean, for me, dating a woman with no kids, they never have fucking food at home.

• 5:34Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 5:35Speaker 03

  They always wanna go out to eat.

• 5:37Theo Von?

  Yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  You know what it's like? No, I don't know if you experienced this, but you know what it's like to have sex with someone that has kids? And wake up at three, three-thirty in the morning, get a fucking Capri Sun?

• 5:48Theo Von?

  Hmm, that's good. Oh, ho, bruh.

• 5:51Speaker 03

  That's fucking amazing.

• 5:52Theo Von?

  Bro, I make with half a mouthful of Lunchable, I'll make love all night.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  See, that's what I'm talking about.

• 5:57Theo Von?

  That's who I am, boy.

• 5:58Speaker 04

  I mean, it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson. Well, that's a bad, that's a dated, who's the new hot lady?

• 6:06Theo Von?

  Um, who is it now?

• 6:08Speaker 04

  Oprah?

• 6:09Theo Von?

  No, it's, uh.

• 6:10Speaker 04

  Rihanna? Who do the kids like?

• 6:12Theo Von?

  Oh, uh.

• 6:13Speaker 04

  Sydney Sweeney. That's a good one. Look at the tits on dickless.

• 6:17Theo Von?

  God. Oh, wow.

• 6:19Speaker 04

  Holy hachy machy.

• 6:21Theo Von?

  She seems like a beautiful young lady, huh?

• 6:22Speaker 04

  Very attractive.

• 6:24Theo Von?

  She just got, uh, separated from her husband.

• 6:25Speaker 04

  Oh, hey, you're in.

• 6:27Theo Von?

  That slurp word. I thought about sending her a message, but I don't know what I would say.

• 6:31Speaker 04

  Hey, say nice yams, bitch.

• 6:33Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, that's true, dude.

• 6:35Speaker 04

  I think she's, she wants that. She, no one talks to her like that anymore. So they'll probably turn her on.

• 6:39Theo Von?

  You think, oh, I'll definitely say something about that vegetation.

• 6:44Speaker 04

  She's got some crop circles.

• 6:46Speaker 05

  You want to hear some, some wild data on homosexuality and hormones? Okay. So years ago, when I was a graduate student at Berkeley, I was part of a study, I wasn't the main author, that looked at finger length ratios and homosexuality in men and women and how much testosterone was in utero. Now, I don't want anyone to freak out and just start staring at their fingers, but because it has to be measured correctly.

• 7:08Theo Von?

  All right.

• 7:09Speaker 05

  All right. So, so if you hold, if you hold up your right hand, like I'm holding up my right hand, my ring finger here is a little bit longer than my pointer finger.

• 7:18Theo Von?

  Okay. Which one's ring finger?

• 7:20Speaker 05

  Yeah. So, uh, turn, but turn it the other way around for me. Yeah. Okay. So your ring finger is a little bit longer than your pointer finger.

• 7:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 7:27Speaker 05

  Okay. That is the typical heterosexual male pattern.

• 7:31Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 7:32Speaker 05

  Now people are going to be like, this is bullshit. Listen, this has been replicated more than five times in humans. Okay. If you look at gay men, men that identify as gay, there, there are very few men that identify as bisexual, actually. But if you look at gay, gay men, that difference is much more pronounced, much bigger. They have a hyper male pattern. Now it can't be due to behavior, right? You could say, well, they're having sex with a lot more people. Sex increases testosterone. No. It's directly related to how much testosterone you were exposed to in utero when you were in your mommy's belly. Now.

• 8:07Theo Von?

  Can you get exposed to testosterone in your mom's belly if someone ejaculates into the mom?

• 8:11Speaker 05

  That hasn't been looked at, but um, I don't think so. There's a lot to talk about here. So yeah, you can put that hand up. So ever since, like how people call me a lesbian or whatever.

• 8:22Theo Von?

  Because of your looks or whatever?

• 8:23Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 8:23Theo Von?

  It happens to me sometimes too. Some lady the other day said, is that a wig on your head?

• 8:27Speaker 06

  But, but the doctor made an assumption at birth because I had one kidney and the way my face looked and assumed and told my parents that I would like, there was a high percentage chance that I was down, down syndrome.

• 8:41Theo Von?

  Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah. Dude, I'll tell you this. I heard that Frederick Douglass, um, I heard Frederick Douglass was gay.

• 8:51Theo Von?

  And I'll tell you, I swear.

• 8:52Speaker 07

  Who told you that?

• 8:53Theo Von?

  I've heard it from probably almost fifteen, not fifteen people, I've heard it from four people.

• 8:57Speaker 07

  Where do you go to find the people who tell you that Frederick Douglass is gay?

• 9:00Theo Von?

  Look, I'll tell you this.

• 9:01Speaker 07

  You must hang out more interesting places than I do.

• 9:03Theo Von?

  It wasn't white people that told me.

• 9:05Speaker 07

  Really?

• 9:05Theo Von?

  So, out of the gate, I have given it a little bit more credibility. And that's why he wanted to free all those men, because he was having trouble meeting anybody.

• 9:12Speaker 07

  Is that right?

• 9:13Theo Von?

  Because everybody was at work.

• 9:15Speaker 07

  That's, you know, I'm gonna talk, I'm gonna talk.

• 9:19Theo Von?

  J D Vance, congratulations, dude.

• 9:21Speaker 05

  You stand there like this, but you still flex. You keep the stomach in, and you keep the abs flexed, and the calves flexed, and the biceps and the triceps flexed. So that was the idea, and I was always having great joy with that. But then you wait for the, for the individual posing. So then you come at one after the next, you do a three-minute posing routine.

• 9:40Theo Von?

  And what's the tricks there? Is there any trick of the trade, a last-minute thing you used? You would like pinch your, pinch your tits, or just rub some just, like molasses into your lap? Like was there, what was like a last-minute thing people would do? Put ice under your arms or something?

• 9:55Speaker 05

  No, I, I think the key thing is just that you, when you go there, that you're so ready that you don't shake. You get how many bodybuilders, I'm sure you've seen it, they hit a shot, and then they, they were after, after a few seconds, they start shaking.

• 10:11Theo Von?

  Oh, so that's bad.

• 10:12Speaker 05

  Well, for that level, I mean, it's natural when you have a Mr. Venice Beach competition.

• 10:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 10:17Speaker 05

  Mr. Muscle Beach.

• 10:18Theo Von?

  Mr. Montgomery, Alabama, yeah.

• 10:19Speaker 05

  You know, so that's, that's what it is. So it's all about the seven Ps. You know, the seven Ps? Proper prior planning prevents pissed poor performance.

• 10:33Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 10:33Speaker 05

  Right, in the Marines, they have that.

• 10:35Theo Von?

  Proper prior planning prevents pissed poor performance.

• 10:39Speaker 05

  Performance, exactly. So that's what it is about. It's the same there. You come prepared.

• 10:44Speaker 07

  You know, that's always a war of temptation in your mind. There's always gonna be that.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  There is always gonna be smelling zones.

• 10:52Theo Von?

  Oh, I'll hit it.

• 10:54Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, this is so strong.

• 10:55Theo Von?

  I can already.

• 10:57Speaker 01

  Oh!

• 10:58Theo Von?

  Feel a little of that.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  God!

• 11:01Theo Von?

  Let me ride.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  You know what the difference is, Jamie?

• 11:03Theo Von?

  Let me ride that little bitch.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  You know what the difference is? This one, I kept this on it.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  I didn't even realize I was doing it. But I kept that on it, and then it was sealed.

• 11:11Theo Von?

  I was laying on my back in 69, this thing, brother. It's already gonna be strong, Joe, quiet. Don't look at me when I do it.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Hit it, hit it.

• 11:21Theo Von?

  I didn't get enough.

• 11:22Speaker 01

  You didn't get enough?

• 11:23Theo Von?

  Nope.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  Really? You didn't inhale, you got scared. You missed.

• 11:26Theo Von?

  You're right.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No! No, you don't do that! You don't do that! What you just did scared everyone.

• 11:37Speaker 04

  I'm sweating.

• 11:39Theo Von?

  I'm sweating too.

• 11:39Speaker 04

  Because of that.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  How are you? Are you okay? Bro, you just changed timelines.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Because of you, Justin Trudeau resigned.

• 11:49Theo Von?

  First, I want to talk a little bit more about race and race baiting.

• 11:52Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 11:53Theo Von?

  Um, cross racial behaviors right here. Uh, this is a clip that, of a white male, let's see, um, that Drusky put together.

• 12:01Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Here's the love, here's the honor. If you can't come in here, come over.

• 12:19Theo Von?

  I think this is a Jason Kelsey impersonation also.

• 12:24Theo Von?

  Look at this.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Hey, Siwana! Siwana!

• 12:33Speaker 01

  Hey, come on, you didn't listen to your nana.

• 12:38Speaker 04

  Cedar Point.

• 12:42Theo Von?

  You lost, bro? No, I'm going to the race. What race? NASCAR race. You going to NASCAR? Yes, I love it.

• 12:53Theo Von?

  You lost, did you? What is this shit, dude? Sure about that? Do you think that kind of racism happens that much, really? Or this is more like in movies type shit, dude? I mean, look, dude, I live in New York, so I don't know what it's like in the South, but I know racism exists. I also know that it's kept alive by the media and the internet and all that stuff, because there's so many people that make so much profit off it that you're like... But I mean, I think that's fine. I mean, Druski doing that is just like a good bit. But I should be able to then fully dress black. Now, my question is, there was said that there was a prize where whoever won it got to say the N-word one time. Is that true or not? I heard that.

• 13:32Speaker 06

  Yes, yes.

• 13:32Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 13:33Speaker 06

  Because I feel like everybody in their life have said the nigga, the word. You said it rapping the song. It's a part of, bro, everyone said it. And kids, even Tom Brady one time told me, man, my son was asking me about it. Because it's the curious thing, it's like you put power on the word, like, don't say that, because... But words could mean whatever you want them to mean. It's all about how you take it, interpreting it within yourself.

• 13:55Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:55Speaker 06

  If you say I'm your favorite nigga, it's like, yeah, I'm your favorite black guy. You know what I'm saying? If I say you my nigga, that mean like, you're my guy, like, you my brother.

• 14:04Theo Von?

  If somebody says it to, if a black fellow says that to me, I feel pretty good for the afternoon.

• 14:07Speaker 06

  You my nigga? Like, I fuck with you, like, we genuine, we have a bond that I care about you.

• 14:12Theo Von?

  I feel like, okay.

• 14:13Speaker 06

  You know what I'm saying?

• 14:13Theo Von?

  Let's do it, huh?

• 14:14Speaker 06

  Way to go.

• 14:15Theo Von?

  I want to buy some fucking Jays, you know? I'm ready to do this.

• 14:18Speaker 06

  Way to go.

• 14:19Theo Von?

  But now, was, is there, why don't black people lease the N-word out to be said like at a certain event or something? I think there could be a lot of money in that. Is that crazy to say that?

• 14:28Speaker 06

  I feel like just how you use it, you know, sometimes...

• 14:31Theo Von?

  Oh, I agree. I don't mean using it in a derogatory way, but say like, tonight they had, like, Angelina Jolie was paying 50 bands to say it, right? On a livestream?

• 14:40Speaker 06

  That'd be cool.

• 14:41Theo Von?

  And you sold tickets?

• 14:41Speaker 06

  Because you would want to see how she say it.

• 14:43Theo Von?

  So that's the thing.

• 14:44Speaker 06

  Because she said like she had slaves, like she said it. Because I might be fucking a white girl, I'd be like, yo, call me a nigga.

• 14:50Theo Von?

  Oh, damn, who are these people?

• 14:52Speaker 06

  You don't like that?

• 14:53Theo Von?

  Huh? I have no idea if I like it or not. But I just think like, it's like...

• 14:58Speaker 06

  It's prerogative.

• 14:59Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 15:00Speaker 06

  You know what I mean? It's like exciting. It's just like, it's fucking.

• 15:04Theo Von?

  And will they do it sometimes?

• 15:05Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 15:05Theo Von?

  No way.

• 15:06Speaker 06

  Why wouldn't they? I'll smack them on the ass.

• 15:09Theo Von?

  I don't know. Oh, I didn't know they're doing all that. So I guess if somebody's fucking you, you can say it? That's crazy. Do you drink coffee, man, or no?

• 15:18Speaker 04

  Nah.

• 15:21Theo Von?

  Really?

• 15:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:23Theo Von?

  I mean, you've had it.

• 15:25Speaker 04

  I have. Um, sometimes on vacation, I'll drink it recreationally. It's like every once in a while.

• 15:32Theo Von?

  Just like, yeah, it's like, like a celebration.

• 15:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, no.

• 15:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, no. I, I just like hate anything that messes with, like, I don't, I don't like any kind of chemicals or anything like that.

• 15:44Theo Von?

  People, a lot of times, like, there's guys who are like, kind of, you know, Elon Musk is probably like a socially awkward guy. And I would say that, I mean, I think it's. Yeah.

• 15:53Speaker 04

  We all are.

• 15:54Theo Von?

  Right. We all are, right? I think we all are.

• 15:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:56Theo Von?

  And it's interesting that there's like, probably people have, I mean, have you ever felt socially awkward over your years?

• 16:01Speaker 04

  No, I'm, I'm, I'm really smooth.

• 16:04Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 16:04Speaker 04

  No, no, no, obviously. Yes. Yeah, I'm like the most awkward person. People have been calling me a robot online for 20 years. It does wonders for my confidence.

• 16:15Theo Von?

  No, your confidence cannot be impaled, I don't think. That's one thing you have. It's probably a, a sheer north star inside of you. It's gotta be.

• 16:22Speaker 04

  Well, I'm.

• 16:23Theo Von?

  You might have become bulletproof. I think there's times where, yeah, you seem like a guy who probably like, like, watched a video of how to be a guy on YouTube or something, you know? But I think we all, we all go through, like, we're all like awkward in different ways, you know? You put you in certain environments, you're not at all. I, but I think it's interesting that there's.

• 16:41Speaker 04

  I haven't found those environments yet, but maybe, you know, it's a.

• 16:44Theo Von?

  Dude, even being here today, bro, is, is nice of you. What's like one of your fears? Like, what's a fear you have of AI? Like, if you have like a fearful space that it could go, like, I know you mentioned a little bit.

• 16:57Speaker 07

  This morning, I, I was testing our new model and I got a question, I got emailed a question that I didn't quite understand.

• 17:05Speaker 07

  And I put it in the model, this GPT five, and it answered it perfectly.

• 17:11Speaker 07

  And I really kind of sat back in my chair and I was just like a all man here it is moment. There's a lot of people that talk to chat GPT all day long. There are these sort of new AI companions that people talk to like they would a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

• 17:26Speaker 07

  And we were talking earlier about how it's probably not been good for kids to like grow up like on the dopamine hit of scrolling, you know.

• 17:33Theo Von?

  Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Do you think that that how do you keep like AI from having that same effect? Like that negative effect that social media really has had?

• 17:42Speaker 07

  I I'm scared of that. I don't I don't have an answer yet. I don't think we know quite the ways in which it's going to have those negative impacts. But I feel for sure it's going to have some and we'll have to I hope we can learn to mitigate it quickly.

• 17:58Theo Von?

  Can AIs can they pull up pornography and stuff like that too or no?

• 18:01Speaker 07

  Sure.

• 18:02Theo Von?

  Oh, my God. God, I didn't know that. You know, I brought you a present today. Did you really? Yeah. I always like to share new products that I find useful in my life, and this is a dick laser. Oh, damn. What it is, is it's like a laser pointer that is a dick that projects dicks. Oh, really? Yeah. So if anyone's running their mouth too much in here, look at your shoe. Look what I put on your shoe right there. Whoa, that's cool.

• 18:33Theo Von?

  That's pure cock, huh? It's pure cock. There's some variable settings on there too, I think, where you can kind of change what nasty stuff you put. That's the that's the PG end right there. That's just your light. The other end is where you get the dick right there. Oh.

• 18:50Theo Von?

  So this is where you find a suspect like that? Yeah. And then the other ones where you embarrass them. Wow, dude, thank you, bro. Yeah, you're welcome. I think you could use that. Anytime anyone's talking too much in here, you just throw one of those across their forehead and it'll shut them up fast. Oh, you know who I saw yesterday speaking on social media? The Rizler. You ever seen this kid? Oh, I've seen the Rizler. Yeah. Dude, I met him in person. Yes. I'm having dinner, right? I was having dinner. I look over and and it's a kid and you don't want to look for too long because it's like it's just not something you do and look at him. Look at him, dude. Oh, and you got a pic with him too. I love it, man. I was so excited and I don't like but it's kind of weird because you don't want to be like I'm talking to a kid or whatever. And then but definitely, dude, I'll say this. Wait, where were you guys at?

• 19:32Speaker 05

  Is that Craig's?

• 19:33Theo Von?

  Went to Craig's.

• 19:34Speaker 05

  The Rissler's just hanging out at Craig's, huh?

• 19:36Theo Von?

  It blew my mind. There was like some guy in there who like had like overdosed on age or something like some super old guy is like, I'm a producer, you know? He's like, I produced, uh, the Mayflower or whatever. I was like, that was a fucking boat. That was a boat in 1800s. But, um, but yeah, anyway, this was like, this is the coolest thing that ever happened. So I was so excited and not to snitch on him or whatever. First of all, he had two Pepsis or whatever past 8pm, which I think is-

• 20:00Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's late. He's gonna, the bedtime stories won't work anymore. They'll be up all night. Yup.

• 20:06Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's a little late and some people, some people say his grades have been suffering and I'm like, well.

• 20:12Speaker 05

  I think he's evolved past grades, right? He's never gonna have to learn anything. He's just gonna be able to do whatever he wants in this world, I think.

• 20:18Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, that's true. It's a lot. Um, you got the fourth grade coming up, huh?

• 20:24Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm.

• 20:25Theo Von?

  Is that true?

• 20:25Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:26Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 20:28Theo Von?

  How are you feeling about it?

• 20:29Speaker 06

  Good. I wanna blow that camp so bad.

• 20:34Theo Von?

  You do?

• 20:36Theo Von?

  Alright, how about this? You answer, I answer this next question and let you blow it out.

• 20:40Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 20:41Theo Von?

  What's one of your biggest fears about the fourth grade coming up? Something that you might, that's, you know, got you maybe a little bit nervous?

• 20:48Speaker 06

  I don't know. I'm not very nervous, I'm gonna shoot.

• 20:51Theo Von?

  Really?

• 20:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:52Theo Von?

  Alright, deal.

• 20:54Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 21:00Theo Von?

  Gotta get on top of that bad boy.

• 21:04Speaker 06

  There we go.

• 21:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 21:06Speaker 06

  Look at that smoke.

• 21:07Theo Von?

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. Tell me about it, brother. Hit some over here. I'm gonna call my sponsor, brother. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, brother. God, I'll freaking light up a whole freaking couple of pounds of that.

• 21:22Speaker 06

  Now it smells even better in here.

• 21:23Theo Von?

  It does. I love that. It's like a birthday. It's like when you get a birthday cake and get to blow it out?

• 21:28Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 21:29Theo Von?

  That's the best, man.

• 21:33Speaker 06

  There's gloves in my pocket.

• 21:35Theo Von?

  Are there really?

• 21:38Theo Von?

  Let me see, are you a crim- what is these for, crime or whatever?

• 21:41Speaker 06

  I guess so.

• 21:42Theo Von?

  You guess so?

• 21:44Speaker 06

  I don't know.

• 21:47Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:48Speaker 06

  I guess I'm a detective.

• 21:50Theo Von?

  Ew, yeah, I'm a detective now, huh? Check this for fingerprints, eh? Yeah, I like that, huh? BLM, homie, this is dope.

• 22:04Theo Von?

  I like that, yeah. Dude, what if you do the dark riz?

• 22:10Speaker 06

  Fingerprint?

• 22:10Theo Von?

  Nah-uh. Whose is that?

• 22:14Speaker 06

  An elf, I don't know.

• 22:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:16Speaker 06

  Probably an elf.

• 22:17Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, probably just some local scoundrel. Dude, you ever do this in a glove? What's that like? Ooh.

• 22:26Theo Von?

  That's really... It's a black tie affair, huh? Mmm, they smell pretty good. What's one of your favorite smells, you think?

• 22:34Speaker 06

  Sharpies.

• 22:37Theo Von?

  Brother.

• 22:39Theo Von?

  Let's light that candle again, huh? Uh, do you think the Bill Belichick thing has adjusted the dating, the way that dating is look? Cause it's kind of a big, like, he kind of opened the portal, like, the portal's open for older men.

• 22:52Speaker 07

  Yeah, there's a, my parents have a big difference too, yeah, total, I mean, this is, this is a huge difference.

• 22:56Theo Von?

  I don't know, how many years difference is it?

• 22:58Speaker 07

  I also changed my, probably fifty years, bro.

• 23:01Theo Von?

  No, Riley Mao, how many years?

• 23:02Speaker 07

  Twenty-four and seventy-four, I believe. That's fifty.

• 23:05Theo Von?

  No.

• 23:06Speaker 07

  Bro, that is fifty, man. I just crunched the numbers, I don't know if those are the actual ages, but that is fifty.

• 23:11Theo Von?

  What do you say to people who say that's fifty, dude?

• 23:13Speaker 07

  But, I, the only thing is, I change my opinions a lot, so if this could be outdated, like, I'll change my opinion on this tomorrow.

• 23:19Theo Von?

  Dude, all I'm saying is, the portal is open for old men and young women. He, this is the, I mean, the portal's open now.

• 23:27Speaker 07

  And, um, it's probably easier than ever to meet them. There's probably, there's so many apps and stuff where you can, and I don't, and girls seem to be really attracted to guys who have money and guys who are successful, and they don't seem to care about looks, and it doesn't seem like they care about age as much. Is that true? Is that crazy to say?

• 23:45Theo Von?

  People look younger than ever, kinda, how, what age difference are they? Can you just fucking tell me a number? Sorry, Riley, but damn.

• 23:53Theo Von?

  You fucking have a computer you're working with.

• 23:58Theo Von?

  Never mind. No, Jesus Christ.

• 24:02Theo Von?

  Just stick to coming dude, stick to, stick to coming.

• 24:07Theo Von?

  My on and off again girlfriend, she's only 25, she's in Colombia, January 7th of this year, how um, she hit me with a pot of fettuccine noodles that I was boiling. I'm frying some chicken Parmesan, um, making the fettuccine noodles and making the vegetables and um, and then when um, I was moving out of the kitchen, she began looking at the stuff on the stove and I was hoping that she did not grab the chicken Parmesan with the vegetable oil in it. Ooh. And instead she grabbed the pot with my fettuccine and I said to her, "Don't do it. If you do it, you're gonna go to jail." And then, and then she picked it up and as I turned to run, I felt it hit me. Ooh.

• 24:50Theo Von?

  And when it hit me, I ran out of my door and I was screaming, "Ah, you really burnt me." And then my dog snowy, snowy started trying to um, attack her then. How did that feel when that first hit you, man? When that chiney hit you, bro, what it is? It stung. It stung something fierce. I screamed, "Ah, this shit stings." And I ran out my door and I said to her, "You burnt me." Um. There you are right now, and that's it. Damn, look at this shit here, you look like a model in one of those like fashion shows or something. And what my friend said to me was um- This is like some BCBRG Maxas area, bro. You look like a damn black astronaut, bro.

• 25:34Theo Von?

  That got you fucking looking like you're going to space right there.

• 25:37Speaker 06

  I'll show you my wife's penis if you want, but she wouldn't care.

• 25:39Theo Von?

  You're crazy, really?

• 25:41Speaker 06

  Yes, she wouldn't care.

• 25:42Theo Von?

  Oh dude, maybe just do a drawing of it for me.

• 25:44Speaker 06

  Okay, alright.

• 25:45Theo Von?

  You think? Alright, just show it, I'll kinda go like this a little.

• 25:47Speaker 06

  Alright. Um, I won't show it on camera just because-

• 25:50Theo Von?

  No, no, just show it to me, I don't wanna see all of it at once.

• 25:52Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's, I, I can't show it all on camera because she's a lady. She wouldn't care for that, no lady wants their penis shown completely on camera.

• 25:58Theo Von?

  Oh, for sure, dude, I don't even wanna fucking look at it.

• 26:00Speaker 06

  Oh, I won't show it to you if you don't wanna look at it.

• 26:02Theo Von?

  No, I'm, I'm okay, I like-

• 26:03Speaker 06

  Um, let me see here. Hold on, you, you, you can, I won't just, I won't just hit you with it.

• 26:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's no surprise. You don't be like.

• 26:11Speaker 06

  Let me find an acceptable photo that she would be, uh, that she would be proud of. Okay. Uh, no, she wouldn't like that. That's a video. Um, I'll, I'll find one for you.

• 26:22Theo Von?

  Yeah, take your time. I'm gonna think about something else for just a minute.

• 26:25Speaker 06

  All right. You wanna see?

• 26:26Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 26:27Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 26:28Theo Von?

  Yeah. Whoa, brother, what the?

• 26:33Theo Von?

  Oh my God, Jim. Your wife has that?

• 26:37Speaker 06

  That's my lady. That's my best gal.

• 26:42Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 26:45Theo Von?

  That is a, that is a tall pussy.

• 26:48Speaker 06

  She's a tall lady. She's a tall lady.

• 26:51Theo Von?

  Oh, that thing's in 4H, huh?

• 26:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 26:54Theo Von?

  Oh, you gotta spray some Roundup on that.

• 26:56Speaker 03

  Because back then, in the UK, nobody was doing YouTube, you know? It was, it was just we, a weird thing for someone to do, for a stand-up to do. People, other stand-ups would be like, oh, he's just a YouTuber, you know? That kind of was like a slur, right?

• 27:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, Youtuber.

• 27:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, Youtuber, ugh, but.

• 27:13Theo Von?

  No hard R on it.

• 27:15Speaker 03

  Youtuber.

• 27:16Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's crazy, dude.

• 27:17Speaker 03

  Youtuber, please.

• 27:21Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude. Oh, have you heard that song? Youtubers can be gay too.

• 27:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:27Theo Von?

  Have you heard it?

• 27:27Speaker 03

  No.

• 27:28Theo Von?

  I watched it. You gotta hear this song. It's great. It's just like a, it's a summer bop that's really taken over. And then we'll get back to this.

• 27:46Theo Von?

  Hell, yeah.

• 27:48Speaker 03

  What a banger.

• 27:50Theo Von?

  This is that banger, bro. We gotta remix this shit for the summer, dude.

• 27:53Speaker 03

  Yeah. Very hard to sing along. That's in your car. He can say this in your car.

• 27:59Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, you just say this to your friend.

• 28:05Theo Von?

  He's not wrong though. They can't be gay.

• 28:09Theo Von?

  I support this guy. Yeah. Hey, this guy has a vote for me, bro. It needs to be said. Yeah. There's too much toxic masculinity in that N-word community sometimes. Yeah, you gotta let the air out the tire a little, you know? That's what I'm saying, boy. Sometimes the best seasoning is a little bit of zest. Yeah.

• 28:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, ginger's traveling in packs is a dangerous, dangerous thing. You know, we don't really see each other like that. You know, like, we don't. When I see another redhead, there was a redheaded girl yesterday working this event that we were at, and she was like, "My brother." And I said, "Let's take it easy, because I don't know if you're an enemy or a friend yet." You know, a regular person I meet on the street, "Hey, how you doing?" Another redhead, I go, "I'd like to see the resume first."

• 28:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 28:52Speaker 04

  "Before I let you into my space." Because I don't know what kind of ginger they are. There's different levels.

• 28:56Theo Von?

  Really? Is it really?

• 28:56Speaker 04

  Oh, big time.

• 28:57Theo Von?

  It's almost like black people and that albino guy or whatever? You know that guy I'm talking about?

• 29:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:02Theo Von?

  That undercover black guy? Bring that guy up.

• 29:04Speaker 04

  Yeah. That's gotta be, there's gotta be a vetting process, you know? Like, can the albino black guy, does he say the N-word?

• 29:10Theo Von?

  Bring up a couple albigas.

• 29:13Theo Von?

  Is that a term or not?

• 29:14Speaker 04

  It is now, dude.

• 29:15Theo Von?

  Can we say that or not?

• 29:17Speaker 04

  Look at that, black albino guy with red hair.

• 29:18Theo Von?

  Oh, that's what the fuck is all?

• 29:22Theo Von?

  Bro, that is the future, dude. Bro, take my money, bro.

• 29:26Speaker 04

  Whatever he's selling. And I don't know if that's more me or more, if he's more red or more black. I don't know what group he'd go with. I mean, he's invited to the cookout and has to have ring sunscreen, which is wild.

• 29:37Theo Von?

  That's fucking Sunlight Jackson, homie. Are you kidding me? Dude, are we gonna get in trouble for saying albigas?

• 29:44Speaker 04

  I don't know, bro.

• 29:46Theo Von?

  I'm gonna have a little sip of Celsius, because I need a pick-me-up. Have you ever had this before?

• 29:50Speaker 06

  No, not this, no. Is it, is it good?

• 29:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 29:53Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's grape. I saw it's, it's grape, so it's like really good. I'm gonna have to try this stuff.

• 29:58Theo Von?

  Can you have a little bit?

• 30:00Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:00Theo Von?

  No alcohol?

• 30:01Speaker 06

  No alcohol, okay. So what does it have? It's like water?

• 30:05Theo Von?

  Hmm, ooh, mine's cherry cola flavored. It's like spicy stuff. It's like a little bit of ADD, kinda.

• 30:12Speaker 06

  Oh, dude, this stuff actually tastes like, like, the grapes that you squeeze out of the, like, not the grapes that you eat from the store, but like the homies grapes that you can buy? Like the ones that you squeeze out of the... Uh, what do you call that? The skin? Have you ever had those grapes where you just squeeze them out and you swallow them?

• 30:29Theo Von?

  Uh-uh.

• 30:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, it tastes just like this.

• 30:31Theo Von?

  Really?

• 30:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:32Theo Von?

  Let's get a look at those Amish purple grapes.

• 30:35Speaker 06

  Yeah, they're, they're, uh, they're, yeah, that's how they look. And those, you know how the stores, like, they have no seats in them? Like, these have, like, a seat in them, you just squeeze them out?

• 30:45Theo Von?

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:45Speaker 06

  And then you swallow them, because if you try to eat them, like, chew on them? Like, um, like, you just bite into the seat and stuff.

• 30:52Theo Von?

  Oh, you squeeze them out and swallow them?

• 30:53Speaker 06

  This actually tastes exactly like that, so it must be very natural.

• 30:57Theo Von?

  Yes, sir. It's the best, man.

• 31:00Speaker 06

  It's very good.

• 31:01Theo Von?

  Oh. That'll get you home, brother, that'll get you home.

• 31:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, so, so, if this, I saw that this, this have caffeine in it?

• 31:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, it has a little bit of caffeine.

• 31:09Speaker 06

  So I'll be, like, moving around?

• 31:11Theo Von?

  Yeah, you'll be feeling something.

• 31:12Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 31:13Speaker 07

  Um, dude, that was the best. I don't know, I don't know if you're recording, but I mentioned before that, that dude was awesome. And you said you were in contact with him?

• 31:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 31:23Speaker 07

  And my question was, how?

• 31:27Theo Von?

  Dude, we gotta send you over there to see that guy.

• 31:29Speaker 07

  I would, I would love to hang with that dude. Some things I take for granted.

• 31:33Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:33Speaker 07

  When he was just, like, stoked to, like, get in a Corvette with, like, two chicks. And he's like, that was, that was, like, my whole life. And I'm like, aw.

• 31:42Theo Von?

  Goes pretty fast, dude.

• 31:44Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 31:44Theo Von?

  Press the pedal.

• 31:45Speaker 07

  Yeah, so, it made me super reflective, like, and, like, the, one, I thought he was adorable.

• 31:51Theo Von?

  Yeah, he's a nice guy.

• 31:52Speaker 07

  Yeah, nice and, like, uh, very honest and earnest, but I also was just like, man, I gotta stop, like, take a shit like that for granted.

• 32:00Speaker 06

  I mean, I filmed episodes, we did an episode about assassins that was just a couple of miles from my home in LA. And I interviewed an assassin, a guy who's paid to kill.

• 32:10Theo Von?

  Uh-uh.

• 32:11Speaker 06

  Just a couple of miles in, in, in LA, and undisclosed location, but in LA, not far from my house. It's insane. And so we met, and so we get there, he's on, he's, it's at night, undisclosed place, but very close to my home. And he's waiting outside the car, and the moment I get there, you could see, he's, like, jittery and nervous and not happy. And he was there because his friend asked for this favor, and, um, in his case, sometimes it's easier for me to sort of have that human connection and try to talk about how I want to understand what they do. His case, he was just not, he was like, okay, here are the ground rules. And he said immediately, see this, first thing he pulled out his gun, he said, showed me his gun. He's like, if this is a fucking setup, if the police shows up, I'm gonna point this, I'm gonna shoot you, all of you. You and your team are all dead. It's like, okay.

• 32:54Speaker 06

  Um, and so the rest of the interview was me being super afraid that what if police shows up? Not because I'm there, but what if they just, what if a car just drives by?

• 33:02Theo Von?

  Yeah, what if some chubby cops hiding from his shift over here, right off the edge of this DSW shoes or something?

• 33:08Speaker 06

  Exactly. So I was so scared. I was so scared. And I think it was the shortest interview we've ever done. I think it lasted like fifteen, twenty minutes. But also because, you know, there's the question, the initial questions is what do you do? How often have you done it? Why do you do it? How do you live with yourself doing this kind of thing? I always, the accountability questions, I always ask them. But the part that he didn't like, it wasn't actually like, do you know that you're doing harm to people? This is, what you're doing is horrible. Like, do you feel guilty about this? The questions he didn't actually like was when I started asking him, he says, I only kill men, no women and children. And I asked him, but do you have children? And basically, obviously, I was trying to get to the point that even if a child isn't killed, their parent, their dad is killed. That's horrible and traumatic.

• 33:50Theo Von?

  He's already better than Netanyahu, no?

• 33:51Speaker 06

  He was like, don't ask me questions about my children. Don't, you're trying to get all, all soft on me? He got, he was like, his macho persona was getting, um, you know, he didn't like that.

• 34:04Theo Von?

  He didn't like talking about his children?

• 34:05Speaker 06

  No.

• 34:06Theo Von?

  Cause it probably made things very personal for him, maybe?

• 34:08Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, I think, I think part of his persona being a hitman is that he, you know, you can't show emotion.

• 34:14Theo Von?

  Right.

• 34:14Speaker 06

  I, that's why, and so I was threatening to him in the sense that I was trying to get emotion out of him. And he was not okay with it. And he said, is this over? And, and yeah, and then we left.

• 34:23Speaker 07

  Uh, Theo, you're gonna be the primary in this one, okay?

• 34:25Theo Von?

  You got it.

• 34:26Speaker 07

  The subject's name is Michael Brady. He goes by Mike.

• 34:30Theo Von?

  Okay, sir.

• 34:32Speaker 07

  Hello?

• 34:33Theo Von?

  Hey, Mike.

• 34:35Speaker 07

  Yeah, who's this?

• 34:36Theo Von?

  Uh, this is Theo, actually. I'm the, I'm working, I'm here today, man, just, um.

• 34:42Speaker 07

  I really screwed up, didn't I, man?

• 34:45Theo Von?

  I think it seems like you've had a tough day.

• 34:47Speaker 07

  I have had a tough day, but I mean, I.

• 34:50Speaker 06

  I screwed up this time, didn't I?

• 34:53Theo Von?

  I think you're probably gonna have to answer some questions, you know, but

• 34:58Theo Von?

  I think everything's gonna be okay, man.

• 34:59Speaker 06

  How's it gonna be okay? This girl, like, this girl's pregnant, man. I mean, how am I gonna face anyone after this?

• 35:06Theo Von?

  Well, I think you're gonna have to... Her dad's gonna be pissed, yeah. I mean, yeah, people are gonna be upset.

• 35:12Speaker 06

  I'm not thinking about her dad, I'm thinking about my family.

• 35:15Theo Von?

  Okay, people are gonna, yeah, it's gonna be, yeah, man, it sucks.

• 35:18Speaker 06

  It does suck.

• 35:19Theo Von?

  It sucks. But here we are.

• 35:21Speaker 06

  Yeah. I mean, how am I gonna face my son?

• 35:28Theo Von?

  Your son's pretty upset right now.

• 35:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, he is, of course he is. I knocked up a 14-year-old girl. I'm a youth pastor in a church. I teach at a school, my life is over. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't just put this thing to my head and bleep my brains out.

• 35:41Theo Von?

  Cause your son's life is still around. And

• 35:47Theo Von?

  that's not what he needs right now.

• 35:50Speaker 06

  You're probably right about that. But you know, I mean, how can I face him, man?

• 35:57Theo Von?

  I think you call him first.

• 36:01Speaker 06

  Call him and say what? What would you say in that situation?

• 36:04Theo Von?

  I don't know, uh, fuck, I don't know. I would say... I would tell him the truth. I would say I messed up.

• 36:12Speaker 06

  And you think that's the answer? To tell him I messed up? I know I messed up.

• 36:17Theo Von?

  I think it's part of it. I know, you know you did, but he probably doesn't know what's going on.

• 36:21Speaker 06

  He doesn't. Is he out there right now?

• 36:23Theo Von?

  Yeah. You want me to put him on?

• 36:26Speaker 06

  Would you?

• 36:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 36:29Speaker 06

  Okay. How do you feel? How do you think you did? Was that intense?

• 36:33Theo Von?

  It is intense.

• 36:34Speaker 06

  It is intense.

• 36:35Theo Von?

  Fuck, it's intense. Cause you're like, is now, even if you get to that part, is he just gonna tell the son goodbye?

• 36:42Speaker 06

  Exactly. See, you, you are super wise, brother. That's exactly why we wouldn't put the son on the phone. Cause that's exactly-

• 36:49Theo Von?

  Exactly what he would likely do. He would try, he would likely, and so this is why we train. This is why we train.

• 36:55Speaker 06

  We had some guy cut off his own dick and threw it on the sidewalk.

• 37:00Theo Von?

  Oh, for what?

• 37:01Speaker 06

  Cause he was, he was crazy. He was mentally ill, but we don't know any of this. So the call came in in the morning. I was on the way in. It was early in the morning. It was cold out. I remember that.

• 37:09Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:10Speaker 06

  I have the radio on and I hit the dispatcher, call a car and then start to laugh. And then she says disregard. We don't know what's happening. So I'm driving to the station and then a call comes in again, sending a different car. Cause it was like the midnight shift ending, sending a different car. Hey, can you go to this location? Someone said this is some male and a piece of male anatomy on the sidewalk. And we were all laughing. We thought it was, we just thought it was a dildo. We thought it was a joke. That's why the dispatcher was laughing.

• 37:35Theo Von?

  He just thought it was like a WNBA game or whatever.

• 37:37Speaker 06

  Exactly. It wasn't green. Um, call comes in like 10 minutes later and my detective that was working at the time looked it up on the computer to see the text of the call. Like, what does this actually say? And then we saw that the caller was from a nearby health center. And it said, there's, you know, it look, appears to be a penis on the ground. There's blood everywhere. We're like, oh shit, that's, that's not fake. So we would do what we call John Stings and we'd put ads online. Backpage doesn't exist anymore, but we'd put them on that. Um, so we'd all put our ads up and then, you know, you put on eight, at eight 30, your phones ringing. It's crazy. Eight 30 in the morning, they're already starting to call and we'd set up our dates for the day. Like we'd have a hotel room. And we'd be waiting in the hotel room and we'd have dates set up every half an hour to show up.

• 38:20Theo Von?

  And were you hiding under the bed?

• 38:21Speaker 06

  No, no, it's hiding under the bed. I would have to open the door and, and there'd be like guys like in the bathroom, officers in the bathroom behind the wall. So I, my trick was, I was at like 45, 46 when I was doing it and my ad is supposed to be 34. I didn't fucking look 34, but I opened the door. I'd have like my hair.

• 38:37Theo Von?

  You would be the girl?

• 38:38Speaker 06

  Oh, I was a prostitute. Yeah.

• 38:39Theo Von?

  What?

• 38:40Speaker 06

  Yeah. So I'd have to talk to them on the phone.

• 38:42Theo Von?

  Were we all understaffed or something? They just shouldn't have you also the detective.

• 38:46Speaker 06

  Well, no, you have to have, you're the one, you're the one establishing probable cause. So it, if, if someone else is doing it and then you have to like go testify in court, well, you're not the one that had the interaction with them. So what we do, we put our out on the line, online, you'd put your photos and some stupid saying like, you know, what you're offering and how much it costs. And of course it's acronyms for everything. That's what I didn't know anything about this before I started about GFE, which is girlfriend experience, which means he'll kiss you.

• 39:13Speaker 06

  Full service means like sex and a blowjob. And then there's like Russian and Greek and there's all these stupid acronyms for everything else. And they, they thought they were being clever by saying, oh, I want GFE. So they're not asking for sex.

• 39:26Theo Von?

  Oh, I see.

• 39:27Speaker 06

  So by them saying, I want GFE, or I want Russian, or I want this, they think they're being clever, except you can say like, well, based on my training experience, I know Russian means titty job, like or whatever. And then so you talk, they call you on the phone.

• 39:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, titty job.

• 39:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's a Russian, by the way. I didn't know that.

• 39:43Theo Von?

  I'll take it. I mean, whatever they're getting, you know, I mean, it is, I'm sorry. Yeah, it's okay.

• 39:47Speaker 06

  So you'd, you'd basically talk to them on the phone, they call you, and some of them were real nervous, obviously. You could tell the long time or they got right to business and some of them want to flirt with you on the phone or whatever. Can you send pictures of your eyes or your feet? The, the foot fetish guys are out there big time. But, and then you're like, the more you do it, I'm like, I don't have time for this shit. Like, do you want to come, you were showing up or not? So you'd basically make the arrangement. So once they showed up, you already had probable cause. They always already agreed to pay you for sex before they ever showed up. So then by them showing up at the hotel, they're like basically completing the entire, um, the elements of the crime. They showed up, they already agreed to pay you for such and such, so then you can arrest them.

• 40:25Theo Von?

  Right when they get there, really?

• 40:26Speaker 06

  Yeah. The amount of content that was being uploaded to Pornhub, if you put those videos back to back, just the amount of content they would upload in one year. It would take a hundred and sixty nine years to watch if you put those videos back to back. That's how much content was being uploaded.

• 40:41Theo Von?

  Uploaded or had been uploaded total, you mean?

• 40:43Speaker 06

  No, per year.

• 40:45Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 40:45Speaker 06

  Yes. That's not even counting the images.

• 40:47Theo Von?

  Unbelievable.

• 40:48Speaker 06

  So I tested the, I found out, like I said, what millions of people already knew. And that was that all it took to upload was an email address. So in under ten minutes, anybody with an iPhone, anywhere in the world can upload a video. And they were not checking age, they were not checking ID to make sure that these are not children in the videos. They're not verifying consent to make sure that these are not rape or trafficking victims. And because of that, I quickly understood that Pornhub was not a porn site. It was a crime scene, like it was infested with videos of real sexual crime. And then, of course, because there's the algorithm, right? They have set up the algorithm to make sure if you see one video like that, they're going to assume that you like that content.

• 41:32Speaker 06

  So then they're going to take you on a crazy rabbit hole. I call it like, you know, just hellhole of rape. Like, that's what it was. And then you go and they'll show you more and more of the same kind of thing, you know.

• 41:49Theo Von?

  And so then the people would upload them and then make money, what, off of advertising on them somehow?

• 41:54Speaker 06

  Yes. Yeah. So the, so the ones that were making money off of this content, because this is free porn, right?

• 42:01Theo Von?

  Right.

• 42:01Speaker 06

  Uh, free porn's not free, right? It is heavily monetized with ads. So they were selling 4.6 billion ad impressions on Pornhub every single day. But that's the whole point of America is that we have like standards of decency, fairness. I love that you use that word because that is the core of it. It's fairness. Justice is overused, fairness is underused. It's just, a child knows what's fair. If his brother's getting three Oreos and he's getting one, that's just unfair. He doesn't have a degree in economics, he just feels it, he knows it. The sense of fairness is innate. Dogs have it because it's part of the natural fabric. It's organic and we are a fair country. And the rich man gets the same treatment in the justice system as the poor man.

• 42:45Speaker 06

  It doesn't matter where you're from, you're both citizens and you're both equal because you're both created by God. That's our whole system in one sentence. And that is being eroded because the people who run our system.

• 42:57Speaker 07

  Agree with Smotrich and every other third world dictator. These people are damned by their birth, whatever they are. That's what affirmative action is. It's like, no, I don't like the way your parents looked. You don't get the job. What? That's what we hated about the Nazis, what we hated about segregation, which I want to say was evil. Segregation was evil. Why? Because it punished some people and rewarded others on the basis of things they couldn't control. Their skin color.

• 43:19Theo Von?

  Yeah, and we'd had mixed babies a lot sooner too, which are pretty cute, a lot of them.

• 43:22Speaker 07

  And the Epstein thing.

• 43:26Speaker 07

  You know, I've never understood what the justification for keeping that information secret. Epstein was murdered in prison. Okay. I know a lot about it. I'm not just throwing that out there. Epstein was murdered in prison.

• 43:40Theo Von?

  Well, they put him with a cellmate that was kind of a crazy, like former police officer, right?

• 43:43Speaker 07

  Yeah, former police officer, killed a number of drug dealers. I'm not saying that guy did it, but I'm saying, well, I asked Bureau of Prisons. Because I learned all this stuff about it, because I know Epstein's brother Mark well. And I never expected to get down this rabbit hole at all. I had, the guy called me like a week after his brother was killed.

• 43:59Theo Von?

  Mark did?

• 44:00Speaker 07

  Yeah, and yeah, I was literally sitting in my backyard in Maine and he called me and I don't know how he got my cell. And we, it ended up this years long thing. It's not interesting and I won't bore you with it, but the bottom line is Jeff Epstein was murdered in federal lockup in Manhattan in the secure unit. I think there were only 16 men on the unit and I think only 14 there that I, I may have that slightly wrong, but it's very small. And it's the most secure federal lockup in the United States and he got murdered in it. So that raises all kinds of obvious questions, like who has the power to do that? So it's a big deal. And then the Attorney General at the time helped cover it up. And I know him and Bill Barr. So I, and I say that and he's like, I'm going to sue you.

• 44:45Speaker 07

  And I said, go ahead and sue me. I hope you will. Israel is actually the exception. They are the only country that's allowed to lobby Americans. Like everyone else has to register as a foreign agent under, under FARA.

• 44:59Theo Von?

  Like with AIPAC or whatever?

• 45:00Speaker 07

  Yeah, so AIPAC, the backstory, by the way, before JFK got shot, he was fighting AIPAC. They were previously called, I'm blanking on this, it was, you can look it up. And he was literally saying, you have to register under the Foreign Act. And then he, AIPAC got lucky because he got. Got shot and killed.

• 45:18Theo Von?

  What also you could like.

• 45:19Speaker 07

  And and then, of course, we're not allowed to read the files, but leading up to his death, he was having arguments with the Prime Minister, Ben Garian. And so it's like, yes, is Israel doing it legally because a president got shot? Sure, but it's wrong. There should you a country should not be able to lobby to get what they want and control our congressman. And you get to see them flex that muscle like TikTok and things of nature when they when they are now interfering with our speech and they'll get laws passed really quickly. It allows a literally a foreign country to make decisions in our in our nation. Lobbying should just not be allowed, full stop. So instead, they go, oh, well, you're focusing on it because they're Jewish. No, you're just the only country that's allowed to do it. I would feel the same way if China, if there was a Chinese lobby.

• 45:59Theo Von?

  Is China allowed to do it?

• 46:00Speaker 07

  No, there's no other country that's allowed to do this but Israel. Only AIPAC, there's no other country.

• 46:05Theo Von?

  There is a conflict that's been happening in the Middle East. People know about it.

• 46:11Theo Von?

  Between Israel and Palestine and some of the areas over there, the Gaza area they talk about. And, uh. And I just think it's it feels to me. I don't know if I it just it feels to me like it's a genocide that's happening while we're alive here in front of our.

• 46:32Theo Von?

  In front of our lives.

• 46:36Theo Von?

  And I I don't. Sometimes I feel like I should say something. I'm not a geologist or geographer or anything like that, you know? So I don't know a lot of the. Some of it I do know, though, like I know the basics of the issues over there. But for me, it's just like how I feel like you see all these photos of people.

• 47:01Theo Von?

  Just children, women, people. Body parts, just. People like putting their kids back together.

• 47:10Theo Von?

  And I just can't believe that we're watching that and that more isn't said about it.

• 47:16Theo Von?

  And so I'm not saying anyone else needs to say anything, but I think I'm just that more isn't said about it by me. So I just, uh, I want to be able to speak up about that, that I think we're watching, probably like. You know, one of the sickest things that's ever happened. And, uh, and I'm sorry if I've kind of haven't said about it. I've tried to talk about it and learn about it.

• 47:42Theo Von?

  But I don't know, maybe I just wanna.

• 47:45Theo Von?

  I just wanted to say something. I don't even know what to do.

• 47:49Theo Von?

  You know, and it's crazy because our country is also complicit in, in, you know, it's in, in it and has been for a long time and, um. And it's just kind of interesting because then you just realize, oh, well, I'm just a, yeah, I'm a member of this country, but I'm just.

• 48:04Theo Von?

  What we want sometimes doesn't matter. You know, and you just have to be a member of a place and your government is making other choices.

• 48:16Theo Von?

  So I don't know if I, I don't know if I said that correctly, or I don't even know exactly what I said, but I just, I just have, it's just like they're making me really sick. And I feel like I just needed to say something.

• 48:28Theo Von?

  That I think you don't have to think that.

• 48:31Theo Von?

  I'm not asking you to do anything.

• 48:36Theo Von?

  But I just have to say that. So I'm not sitting by.

• 48:41Theo Von?

  You know, there's that peace inside of me. Like, why, why wouldn't you, can you say something? You know, there's people that can't even speak. And you can say something, you know, and so that's how I. I just had to just speak up. Anyway, I think maybe it's starting to make it about me there at the end, but, um. Yeah. So just pray for those people and just the grief that that is all gonna cause.

• 49:09Theo Von?

  You notice like, what are we doing? What were situations like with children there and providing care to children? Like, what was the realities of that? Like, uh, was, were you able to like save any, like, keep them from the gore? Like, was there? You know, because usually, you know, a lot of times with, in, there's like children's hospitals and there's hospitals and then there's places for kids, right? It's a little bit different and less severe. Um, what was that like there?

• 49:35Speaker 04

  So there was a kids hospital, but it wasn't the trauma hospital. So all the kids' trauma still came to Nostra Hospital. They're right next to each other. And so we were seeing all the kid trauma as well. And the kid trauma was was different, man. Just so, you know, difficult to see and experience. It was difficult to process, difficult to treat, difficult to talk to the family members with these children. I mean, you were seeing you're seeing kids as young as one, you know, sometimes, you know, infants, but majority of them are like, you know, young boys, young girls. And it just, why? In Khan Yunis, there's a tent city, one third of Gaza all live in in this place called Mawasi Camp. I'll show you a picture of this. And it's just tents, like you literally just find a plot of land, you put your tent down, and you have like 20 family members living in there.

• 50:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, so like each one of those is a tent, right?

• 50:22Theo Von?

  Oh, it's pretty crazy looking?

• 50:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's not like just you and your wife. It's you and your wife and your family and

• 50:26Theo Von?

  Right.

• 50:26Speaker 04

  and kids and in-laws.

• 50:29Theo Von?

  So this is kind of the new Gaza here?

• 50:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's one third of Gaza is right here.

• 50:33Theo Von?

  What's the vibes here, man? I know that's a crazy thing to say, like it's a damn nightclub or something, but.

• 50:40Speaker 04

  They got a bouncer up front?

• 50:45Speaker 04

  You know, you see kids playing on trampolines. You see kids being kids.

• 50:48Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 50:49Speaker 04

  You see fathers kind of, you know, sulking, trying to figure out like what to do. You see mothers kind of just hiding in their tents, trying to take care of their little ones. You see grandpas kind of like hanging out with other grandpas. You see what you would expect a normal life to be. And that's what it is. These people are normal civilians just living their life. I just, I fear what's going to happen in the next generation. Like, we're going to see some, not only psychological diseases, psychiatric diseases, but also literally physical diseases that's going to come about.

• 51:20Theo Von?

  The more we learn about history and the more we learn about just like the the like, well, America did these things and some of it, 9/11 could have been the result of some of that. Just as more as you start to learn that America hasn't always been this perfect partner and this, that it just starts to test like, okay, well, what does it mean to be an American to me? But then, at the same time, you need to be an American because you live in a country that's safe and you're able to operate here within the country. So it's, I don't know, it just makes it kind of interesting. Does that make sense?

• 51:55Speaker 06

  No, I get it. What you're what you're exhibiting is a is a very normal contradiction that a lot of Americans, when faced with the reality of American foreign policy, they they come to terms with this, like they try to, they try to resolve this contradiction where. On the one hand, you're saying, well, I'm an American. I like the security blanket that I exist under. Right? But also simultaneously, sometimes you're like, but damn, we're doing a lot of fucked up shit around the world. Um, I mean, look, I'm a, I'm a, people always yell at me and say, oh, Hassan, you only say America bad. Uh, but I don't just stop at that. Like I, I want America to be good. I think America has an incredible potential.

• 52:35Speaker 06

  It's the wealthiest nation on the planet. It should be doing so much more, uh, to, to help its own citizens. And so much more to lead the way, pave the way for a new evolution of the way that we look at international relations than the way that we uh, engage with conflict. Um, but the reason why America is the way it is, is because I see it as basically, you know, 50 corporations in a trench suit. Like it's just, uh, it's, it's a holdover to, to extract tax revenue from everyday Americans. And then give it directly back to corporations in the form of subsidies without ever regulating them and, and, you know, demanding anything in return.

• 53:15Speaker 06

  Lincoln, as a young lawyer, not yet 29 years old, 28 years old, addresses the Young Men's Lyceum in Springfield, Illinois, and he's, and they're discussing foreign policy. And he says, whence shall we expect the approach of danger? Shall some transatlantic giant step the earth and crush us at a blow? And then he answers his own question, never. All the armies of Europe, Asia, and Africa could not by force take a drink in the Ohio River or make a track in the Blue Ridge in a trial of a thousand years. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. We are a nation of free men who will live forever or die by suicide. Wow.

• 53:59Speaker 06

  So there's our challenge, right? You want to get self-involved. You want to make the, your neighbor your enemy. You want to make lots of them. Then you are headed towards that self-destruction that Lincoln's talking about. You want to figure out what we share in common, this corny sort of civic virtue civic energy that is From the Declaration of Independence, like how you can work together to do it. And, you know, a lot of people who are unbelievable citizens, it's like they go to the school board meeting. They like they participate in, you know, we, I live in New England and we have a town meeting and, and, you know, sometimes the biggest decision is whether to buy a new pumper for the fire department. That's a big deal. That's civics. That's dealing with the stuff.

• 54:43Speaker 06

  And it's also saying, I've got to vote and I, and I have a responsibility as a citizenship to do it. And then we'll save our country. Then, then, you know, if, if you like the abstraction of, of disagreement and violence and all that sort of stuff, where suddenly just because your, your feed tells you one thing that somebody's an enemy, then you're lost. But if you look across the room and you say, you know, I don't share in common that much with somebody who comes from Louisiana and lives in Tennessee. I, I was born in Brooklyn and grew up in Delaware and Michigan. And now I've lived in New England for the last, you know, 54 years. What would we have in common?

• 55:23Speaker 06

  We share a love of those ideas. We share a love of that process, the pursuit of happiness.

• 55:29Speaker 07

  God. See, the thing is, man, if Trump succeeds at the reshoring effort.

• 55:37Speaker 06

  With the tariffs.

• 55:38Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's part of it. But if in, if in general, he gets manufacturing reinvigorated in this country, then there's going to be a challenge that like a lot of people aren't talking about, which, which is labor.

• 55:52Speaker 06

  Right.

• 55:53Speaker 07

  So there's, in January, there were 482,000 open positions in manufacturing in this country. Right. 480,000 open positions. If he gets his way and this all gets reinvigorated, you're talking about two or three million new jobs. But there's, there's no workforce sitting there going, this is what I want to do.

• 56:18Speaker 06

  Or prepare to do it.

• 56:19Speaker 07

  That they're not, so there's a skills gap for sure.

• 56:22Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 56:22Speaker 07

  But there's also a, a will gap.

• 56:25Speaker 06

  Right.

• 56:26Speaker 07

  Donald Trump is going down a road. And if he succeeds, he's going to create millions of manufacturing jobs in a country.

• 56:37Theo Von?

  That currently has nearly 500,000 manufacturing jobs open because the people who run those factories can't find people who want to do the work. So it's not enough to create the jobs. Right. And look, a lot of you, your listeners are probably thinking, well, make the pay better. Make it more, make it more interesting, make it more palatable, and we can have that conversation for sure. But the bigger issue still is there, there's no enthusiasm for the work. We took shop class out of high school. We robbed kids of the opportunity even see what that kind of work even looks like. Meanwhile, we told a whole generation of kids they were fucking screwed if they didn't get a four-year degree.

• 57:22Theo Von?

  Thomas Masti, thanks for coming in, man. Absolutely. Good to see you, dude. Good to be here, just had to cross the state border to get here. Yeah, that's what I see from Kentucky. And you, uh, you drove, like, you just took me into your home, in your camper home vehicle. It's a F-250 with a truck camper, and I lived for two solid years in it in DC, still occasionally do. And where would you park that thing at? Well, I don't want to disclose where I park, but I did get in trouble. Uh, I parked the, uh, truck camper. It's a Super Duty. It's got a, even though it fits in the back of a pickup, it's got a shower, bathroom, stove, and a fridge. It felt super when I was in there, that living arrangement in there. I could have definitely cozied up, it felt very cool.

• 58:06Theo Von?

  The milk felt cold in there, we had a little cup of milk, which is definitely. Raw milk. Yeah, I'm sure, hopefully. Don't tell anybody across state lines with that. It's holiday time. You ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9:00 a.m. and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon. And then I eat it, or you eat it, or somebody eats it, and then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for. Dinner. And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. Their powder starts at less than $3 per meal,

• 58:50Theo Von?

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• 59:35Theo Von?

  and watching loved ones eat. Sometimes it can get a little chaotic. I remember my aunt, we went to her house one year and

• 59:45Theo Von?

  she'd made a cornbread dressing type of deal and had not cooked it, hadn't cooked it, forgot she hadn't cooked it, and just put it out with the other stuff and everybody ate it. And it was just, people thought it was just like a weird soup or something, and it was horrible. But that's life. You know, holiday meals aren't about perfect food. They're just about really getting together. And Good Ranchers helps do that better than anyone. Good Ranchers is locally sourced. Meat and poultry. It's the chicken nuggets that they have. No seed oils. They do it. It's good for you. And it's made right here in America. A lot of these companies say we're made in America, and they're living a lie. But not Good Ranchers.

• 1:00:29Theo Von?

  We've checked them out and they're as true as true can be. Good Ranchers offers an e-gift option where you can pick the exact time and date that the email arrives. Yep. What's that coming down the chimney? Oh, that's a dang email from Good Ranchers. And you can use our code Theo to get $25 off your first order. Plus, they have a subscription model where you can keep it coming. And when you do that, you'll get to pick out which one of their best selling cuts you want free in every order for life. That's free chicken thighs, free wagyu burgers, or free bacon in every order for life. You pick one. Good Ranchers, use code Theo to get $25 off.

• 1:01:11Theo Von?

  I'm gonna put you up on some game. When I need more Bitcoin, Moonpay, it's always the first app that I open because it doesn't force you to buy a whole coin and it's super easy to use. Moonpay is one of the biggest partners on the show and I'm excited to share that I've made the decision to accept my compensation from them in Bitcoin instead of US dollars. That's facts. I'm planning to hold and save that Bitcoin in my Moonpay account. The Bitcoin will sit in a digital Moonpay wallet that nobody can access except for me. The US dollars continues to fluctuate in value, so by making this decision, I'm diversifying my portfolio

• 1:01:56Theo Von?

  and hopefully earning more from our partnership than I would have otherwise. Remember, while Moonpay makes buying crypto straightforward, it's essential to do your own research and understand the risks involved. Crypto trading can be volatile and you could lose your investment. Moonpay is a tool to facilitate transactions, not a source of financial advice. Trade responsibly. Contraception begins at erection now. So there's a law that they're pushing. Ohio Democratic lawmakers propose conception begins at erection. So they're trying to put it on the men a little bit more.

• 1:02:34Speaker 07

  So what exactly are they gonna do about this now?

• 1:02:36Theo Von?

  Well, a new bill in Ohio would make it a crime for men to ejaculate without intending to have a baby.

• 1:02:41Speaker 07

  Oh, wow. That is, that's definitely something that I could

• 1:02:45Theo Von?

  See a lot of people probably would be guilty of for sure. Hey, shooters shoot, you know? Yeah, yeah, I could see that being, I mean, I don't want to get into too much personal detail, but I think I'd probably be locked up for a long time.

• 1:03:00Theo Von?

  Yeah, oh, we're going to visit Tom this weekend again.

• 1:03:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, my gosh. I thought he was gonna get paroled. Plenty of time to break the law in jail, though.

• 1:03:12Theo Von?

  $10,000 per discharge. Whoo. That's. Whoop, but here's the thing, some dudes are just running around skeeting or whatever they call it, and I don't know what they call it in different countries, but they're not gonna have an extra 10K on them. You're gonna have, the court system would be filled with every, every kid in the world, every 14-year-old kid. Yeah, I mean, I'm assuming, yeah, does this, I don't, I don't know how much I want to talk about this in detail. No, look, I'm gonna say, you don't get pregnant on your own.

• 1:03:42Speaker 03

  I was so lucky, because you used to do a little sniffy jiffy, and it is fun. There are negatives, but we always start with the positives, especially about that. If I could afford more when I was parking cars and being a busboy, I would have definitely gone crazy. I could not, thank God. I could do a quarter gram in a weekend, then I just, I could only afford 25 bucks. That was it, and even that wasn't money well spent, but don't get all excited, you're getting a boner. It is exciting. I mean, talking about it, doing it, it was fun, it was hard to just quit it, but it's just, I just watch and you go, no way to have a career. There's no way to have anything good with all this pressure and shit you gotta do.

• 1:04:24Speaker 03

  And people like to rat you out, and people like to say, this guy, you know, he's like, oh, fucking deesh, deesh.

• 1:04:30Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:30Speaker 03

  Little power flower now and then, so if they start getting that word out there. I luckily never got that word. I didn't do any of the whole SNL, and that's the funniest part is that I did dabble a little bit before that, just because I was in fucking showbiz.

• 1:04:43Theo Von?

  And you're from Arizona, from Scottsdale.

• 1:04:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's not still, yeah. Well, it doesn't mean, it wasn't really the cocaine capital of the world, but, you know, I was in the comedy biz and a couple of guys had it, and I was like, fuck, I would partake just for fun. And, uh, obviously, and then.

• 1:05:00Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, brother.

• 1:05:00Speaker 03

  But one time I did a lot, and I was like, yeah, I feel like I should go to the hospital, you know?

• 1:05:08Theo Von?

  And you'll walk over there. That's the craziest is.

• 1:05:10Speaker 06

  No, I fucking sprinted. No, because the funny thing is you just turn into JonBenet. One bump and I'm like, I'm a Yankee doodle dandy and I'm feeling great. And then I, I, I, I made my friend drive me. And I got there and he's like, and it was freezing and I was shaking and tight. And then he goes, you gotta go in there. And I, and he goes, but they're gonna ask, because I did stand up for about a year.

• 1:05:34Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:05:35Speaker 06

  And they go, they're gonna ask and they're gonna, they're gonna have to call the police. I go, no, no, no. Extra scared. And he cranks the heater on in the car and I'm starting to fucking sweat. But this is a good friend because he was there with me for three hours. He goes, I'll let you, you should go in there in a second, but just tell me more. And I was like, I was calming down. This was the trick. I didn't know this. And my heart was going from like 3,000 over 2,000 till I started to get back to normal and then it got light out. And then I go, let's go. So gross. And then I go, I'll never do it again. Four days later, hey dude. I'm fucking jinking.

• 1:06:16Speaker 06

  What a great guy.

• 1:06:19Speaker 06

  And they make me jump.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  That's, that's why people gravitate to you because there's nobody like you.

• 1:06:30Theo Von?

  Well, thanks, man. I feel the same about you. I feel like everybody does.

• 1:06:35Speaker 01

  And you have a statue of me at your house. So, you know.

• 1:06:39Theo Von?

  So, yeah, thank you, man. Yeah. Thank you for letting them even do that statue. What was that whole deal like with them, with Michael's? That's where I got mine at was at Michael's.

• 1:06:49Theo Von?

  Did you do, it wasn't a collab or what was it?

• 1:06:52Speaker 01

  Nope. Nope. They just

• 1:06:57Speaker 01

  robbed my image and likeness because they could.

• 1:07:04Speaker 01

  Because they were doing it for religious purposes. I allowed it.

• 1:07:11Theo Von?

  Well, thank you.

• 1:07:11Speaker 06

  We wish you a black Christmas.

• 1:07:13Theo Von?

  Look, I'd be honored to have one. I'd be honored to have one. Yeah, man, I, cause yeah, when I met that guy there, he said, we got two left, man, you know? And there was two hundred and one of them was marked down because it had a chip in it.

• 1:07:27Theo Von?

  But, um, it's still, man, it's an honor. I keep it up at my house year round. And people walk in and they're like, no way, that's Cat Williams right there.

• 1:07:35Speaker 06

  It is.

• 1:07:36Theo Von?

  And it's beautiful, man.

• 1:07:38Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 1:07:38Theo Von?

  Yeah. This was in Covington, Louisiana. But, um, but yeah, they had.

• 1:07:43Speaker 06

  About thirteen miles from Slidell.

• 1:07:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, there you go.

• 1:07:50Theo Von?

  Wow. Matt Williams in the building, baby.

• 1:07:56Theo Von?

  But, and that's when I realized.

• 1:07:58Speaker 06

  Don't make me go gert.

• 1:07:59Theo Von?

  Everybody's.

• 1:08:02Theo Von?

  Dude, what about being the first gay dude ever? It must've been crazy. Imagine everybody's straight, right? And you wake up or something happens, you get hit by lightning or whatever. And suddenly you're gay and you're like, oh my God, like you're just talking to your buddy who you've, who you've talked to every day for years. And, and you're just like thinking like, I'm gonna stuff his fucking face with some weener. And you're like, what? And, and then you like, don't, like, imagine that, because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside and be like, hey, this is gonna seem totally crazy to you guys. But I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever, you know? And people were like, what? Yeah, that does sound crazy. Don't tell anyone that. Don't tell anyone that. You're the only one that thinks that.

• 1:08:47Theo Von?

  And the guy trying to jerk me off in the back of a bus in Vietnam. You did? Yeah. And, and the guy was gay?

• 1:08:58Theo Von?

  I don't fucking know what their, I don't know some of what their culture is.

• 1:09:03Speaker 06

  That's a big sign usually.

• 1:09:06Theo Von?

  They're starving over there. That guy could have been ordering soup.

• 1:09:12Theo Von?

  Dude, any joke that ends in soup, Jewish people love it for some reason. I'm listening, it's a little cold. I'll eat half and send it back, but I like that joke. I'll eat half that joke and send it back.

• 1:09:26Theo Von?

  Hold on, almost done?

• 1:09:28Theo Von?

  Uh, there's a hair in there.

• 1:09:31Theo Von?

  It's the biggest problem with Jews going bald, they can't send soup back.

• 1:09:36Speaker 01

  And I was just calling to ask, I uh,

• 1:09:40Speaker 01

  well, I'm secretly gay and I-

• 1:09:43Theo Von?

  Oh secretly gay, the fellow said. Let's hear more.

• 1:09:46Speaker 01

  I haven't told a lot of people and I want to figure out how I can tell my mom.

• 1:09:53Speaker 01

  And I thought I could get some advice on here.

• 1:09:56Theo Von?

  Okay, brother. Yeah, thank you for calling, dude. Um, and congratulations on your uh, gay ship or whatever it's called, gaydom or whatever, um, being gay. Um, I mean, you, there's different ways you could go about it. You could do something, you know, kind of fun. You could do just like a knock, knock, who's there? I'm gay, you know, that old trick or whatever. Or, or you could get a deck of cards, right? You could write, I'm a gay son on each one.

• 1:10:28Theo Von?

  Put them like that. Have her pick one out, say, pick one out and read it. And bam, you don't even say nothing, she says it.

• 1:10:37Theo Von?

  And then you could be like, what the fuck do you mean? You know, you could uh, roll switch or whatever. So that's it, you know, that's reverse psychology, dude. So that's something, that's crazy.

• 1:10:48Speaker 04

  Me and Big Axe, we almost did a song, um, but I don't know, I didn't, I, I actually sent him a song and he didn't finish it, so I don't know. That's on him. Um, I guess, I don't know what he was doing.

• 1:11:00Theo Von?

  He was in jail.

• 1:11:02Speaker 04

  Did he?

• 1:11:02Theo Von?

  I think so.

• 1:11:03Speaker 04

  For what? Not, not a long time, not long enough, not, I went to jail too, man.

• 1:11:11Theo Von?

  Hey, if you behind bars, write a couple.

• 1:11:16Theo Von?

  You're on a pretty famous like text chain with like other SEC coaches. This is alleged.

• 1:11:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:11:21Theo Von?

  Um, Kirby Smart, uh, Sarkisian. Who, what are the vibes on the chain? I feel like, like, what is it like on there?

• 1:11:29Speaker 04

  I feel like I keep it together. Like I keep the group together because like one will beat the other or they'll say something and they kind of like get mad at each other and then they won't like text for a week. If like you beat him, then he doesn't text for a week or if they're playing each other that week, they certainly are going to say anything. And I'm like, guys-

• 1:11:45Theo Von?

  And by you beat him, it means you, when you guys beat Georgia last year, but go on, I feel it.

• 1:11:49Speaker 04

  But then I just say something that night, you know, like, hey, man, like, you'll probably get us next year, you know, like they don't like, they don't think that's funny, you know?

• 1:11:56Speaker 05

  Like then one of them side text me like, hey, Manish said that Kirby's pissed off, you know? And I'm like, dude, it's just a game. Relax. We're buddies.

• 1:12:03Theo Von?

  Do you guys vote on how another coach gets into the text chain or what is the?

• 1:12:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, there's been conversations about that.

• 1:12:09Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:12:12Speaker 05

  I just kind of, I actually have a, they may not know this. We're giving a lot of information out today. Appreciate you coming. So you know, kind of give you some special insight. I have multiple ones. So sometimes I'll say something, that guy's not in it and that guy's, you know, then this guy's in it. And so like, I kind of make sure I know who's in them. You know, when I say certain things and then, you know, every once in a while I've got someone who does something and then I like, I move them out of the chat.

• 1:12:41Theo Von?

  No.

• 1:12:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, it's happened, you know? Jimbo Fisher removed from chat.

• 1:12:48Theo Von?

  R I P.

• 1:12:49Speaker 05

  And then like, then I like put them back in.

• 1:12:50Theo Von?

  Yeah, but and, and.

• 1:12:52Speaker 05

  And they're like typical coaches. They don't know how to remove somebody or add somebody.

• 1:12:56Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:12:56Speaker 05

  So it's like pretty cool that I can do it. And they're like, how do you do that?

• 1:12:58Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah. Lane's one of them tech wizards. Yeah.

• 1:13:03Speaker 05

  Yeah. Yeah. Coaches are a little behind time. Like that's a big deal to be able to remove somebody from chat. Like, whoa, he must really like have somebody teaching him this stuff.

• 1:13:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, the Scots, man, they're fascinating. They're just fascinating. You'd almost, like, I wouldn't be surprised if he was in the U S, you know, or and you're in a zoo and they had a couple in there somewhere. Like, you know, they're taken care of and everything.

• 1:13:24Speaker 07

  Drinking sort of like.

• 1:13:26Theo Von?

  They're healthy in there, yelling at you.

• 1:13:28Speaker 07

  Yeah, screaming at the fences and stuff. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Sounds, that sounds like us.

• 1:13:33Theo Von?

  We're singing like a good, um, do they have like a lot of good like Scottish songs and stuff?

• 1:13:37Speaker 07

  Oh, flower of Scotland. When will we see your leg again? And fought and died for your weeping.

• 1:13:50Speaker 01

  Telling them I stood against him, proud Edward's army and sent him home to think again. Come on.

• 1:14:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, that's, that's us. That's one. That's a good one that we've got. We've also got, um, what's your name? Ali Bali, Ali Bali B, sitting on your mommy's knee. That's a good one. Yeah. I don't know where that, where it goes after that.

• 1:14:19Theo Von?

  Well, that one ends in the courts, I think. It sounds like, you know?

• 1:14:22Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 1:14:22Theo Von?

  That sounds like a domestics dispute, you know?

• 1:14:26Speaker 06

  As soon as I tell people I grew up in South Carolina, they're always like, oh, must've been so racist, all the stuff. And of course, there was, there was moments where it wasn't nice and, and, and whatever.

• 1:14:35Theo Von?

  Like people calling you almost N-word or something like that?

• 1:14:37Speaker 06

  Oh, N-word, not almost.

• 1:14:39Theo Von?

  Oh, really?

• 1:14:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:40Theo Von?

  Well, those people are nearsighted or whatever.

• 1:14:42Speaker 06

  I, I don't know.

• 1:14:43Theo Von?

  That's crazy.

• 1:14:44Speaker 06

  But there was also, I feel like, you know, there was a time I was writing something and I asked my parents to just tell me, like, I didn't want to write stuff about people being racist to, to people. I wanted to write something positive. So I was like, tell me things you remember that were positive, like experiences you had, you know, being, cause someone, cause, you know, my parents are there in the eighties.

• 1:15:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, it was different for sure.

• 1:15:06Speaker 06

  They don't, people there didn't even know what Indian people were. They didn't see them in the culture. They didn't see nothing. They didn't understand.

• 1:15:14Theo Von?

  It looks like a black person that they didn't finish the job on or whatever.

• 1:15:20Theo Von?

  Kind of, you know, no judgment.

• 1:15:22Speaker 06

  That, let's just make sure that quote is attributed to you.

• 1:15:24Theo Von?

  You have a new show, uh, that definitely like sparked me up. It's Animals on Drugs.

• 1:15:30Speaker 04

  That's right. We were texting when I was in Columbia. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. It's on HBO Max as of like yesterday, I think. Um.

• 1:15:36Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, dude. I was just like, dude, send me a gif from Columbia so I can snort, brother.

• 1:15:43Theo Von?

  Take me through this show, Animals on Drugs, because you know, they had like the cocaine bear.

• 1:15:48Speaker 04

  Uh huh. Cocaine bear, the movie.

• 1:15:49Theo Von?

  Cocaine bear. And then they have, I was trying to think of some, uh, oh, cracoons would be good.

• 1:15:54Speaker 04

  Cracoons. How did I not think of that as a title? Come on, cracoons.

• 1:15:58Theo Von?

  What is, from what's in?

• 1:16:00Speaker 04

  That's a no brainer.

• 1:16:01Theo Von?

  What's that in your recycling bin?

• 1:16:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:16:04Theo Von?

  You see a little bit of smoke coming up from the recycling bin?

• 1:16:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, the, the bin's vibrating. Yeah. Poof. Uh, cracoons.

• 1:16:10Theo Von?

  He's like.

• 1:16:12Speaker 07

  Smiling.

• 1:16:13Theo Von?

  Crackles.

• 1:16:15Speaker 05

  You went turkey hunting with Mike Waddell, I heard.

• 1:16:17Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, I did. Yeah, I went down there and it was fun, but it's like, I don't know, some of the tur- it's like, they just seem like an unwell bird.

• 1:16:29Speaker 05

  What do you mean?

• 1:16:30Theo Von?

  Turkeys.

• 1:16:31Speaker 05

  Unwell in what way?

• 1:16:32Theo Von?

  They just don't seem like they're, like a tot- like, I don't want to say like they, on it, like, I don't want to say uneducated, they just seem like they, like they got picked last for gym, kinda.

• 1:16:47Speaker 05

  Dude, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, man.

• 1:16:49Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:16:49Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. About a turkey?

• 1:16:51Theo Von?

  Yeah, if you look at a turkey, it doesn't seem like they, like, they can't do- they just are, yeah, they just, I don't know, they weren't doing a lot.

• 1:16:59Speaker 05

  Dude, it's a big ass bird. His head changes colors from red to white to blue. He tastes good.

• 1:17:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, he's basically the Toby Keith of turkeys.

• 1:17:05Speaker 05

  They fucking walk around the woods making insane noises.

• 1:17:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:10Speaker 05

  But I mean, like, he- it's an omnivore. It can eat all kinds of- it can eat all kinds of stuff.

• 1:17:17Theo Von?

  Okay. Well, now you're selling me on it. Yeah.

• 1:17:20Speaker 05

  I mean, like, what- like,

• 1:17:22Theo Von?

  What is- what else didn't tell me all that?

• 1:17:23Speaker 05

  Name a better- name a better bird. It's like, you could be, oh, a bald eagle. He eats a bunch of rotten fish from the side, like, like, a turkey, that's America's bird, dude. Are you familiar with a gentleman named Ben Franklin?

• 1:17:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:36Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:17:38Speaker 05

  Do you know that Franklin didn't like the bald eagle? As a national bird? Because it was a scavenger? And he threw out some- it's debated how honest you- it's ba- it's debated if he was trying to be a smart ass or not. Ben Franklin said, "America ought to go with the wild turkey, because at least it's a vain bird."

• 1:17:57Theo Von?

  Hmm, what does vain bird mean?

• 1:17:59Speaker 05

  It's beautiful. He puffs his feather- the- the male puffs his feathers all out.

• 1:18:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:04Speaker 05

  He's got a snood. He's got like a- imagine like a pecker on your- laid across your face.

• 1:18:12Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 1:18:12Speaker 05

  That changes all the time. It gets erect. It goes limp.

• 1:18:16Theo Von?

  Turkey has that?

• 1:18:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, dude. It's like, to just- to like, come in and like, start disparaging a turkey right off the top of the bat. You don't know me.

• 1:18:25Theo Von?

  I'm just, okay, I'm just saying.

• 1:18:27Speaker 05

  It's like very- it's like, uh, it's disrespectful. That is a- that is a- that is the best- that's the best bird in our- in our country.

• 1:18:33Theo Von?

  It's so scary to also to think about. I always do this too.

• 1:18:36Speaker 07

  Many times like to think about truly how many animals there are if all of this food is being given to people. It's so scary to think about.

• 1:18:44Theo Von?

  What are you saying?

• 1:18:45Speaker 07

  Like how many like chickens are murdered, not murdered, but killed a day like so many like even I'm just trying to think about this reason like if I order uh an order of wings at a bar and there's 10 wings in there. Does that technically mean that I'm having five chickens? Like two wings a chicken?

• 1:18:59Theo Von?

  I think there are some chickens that have more than two legs.

• 1:19:03Speaker 07

  6 million a day.

• 1:19:04Theo Von?

  Globally, probably 206 million chickens are killed for food each day.

• 1:19:08Speaker 07

  It's a wild stat.

• 1:19:09Theo Von?

  What?

• 1:19:10Speaker 07

  So wild stat.

• 1:19:11Theo Von?

  Holy shit dude, it's like.

• 1:19:13Speaker 07

  Since we started talking about this, 140,000 chickens just died.

• 1:19:16Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:19:17Speaker 07

  That's wild.

• 1:19:18Theo Von?

  That's the original Gaza right there, dude. That's crazy. I can't believe they're doing that. What else we got? Oh, in two separate um recent WNBA games have been plagued with a new problem unruly spectators throwing sex toys onto the court. Hmm. Oh, God.

• 1:19:33Speaker 07

  I saw a picture.

• 1:19:34Theo Von?

  I mean, it is kind of wild, I guess, to but first of all, I'd embrace it if I'm the WNBA, right? I would shoot those things out of a T-shirt candidate during Pride Month or whatever.

• 1:19:45Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I mean, if it if things get wild and people start tuning in, that's great. It's good money, you know? You don't want people to get hurt. And I guess that's disrespectful, but it's like, yeah, make it turn the negative around.

• 1:19:58Theo Von?

  Yeah, let's put a positive spin on it. I mean, that lady was excited.

• 1:20:04Theo Von?

  And I don't know if that's AI. It could be AI. I just saw a woman with they have a woman that has two

• 1:20:10Theo Von?

  kudas, actually. I saw she's on TikTok the other day. There's a woman.

• 1:20:15Speaker 07

  What? Now are you?

• 1:20:16Theo Von?

  Now I'm talking about the anatomy. Now I'm changing it. So.

• 1:20:18Speaker 07

  You want to hear a? Okay, no, go. Yeah, go.

• 1:20:21Theo Von?

  There is a woman who has

• 1:20:22Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:20:22Theo Von?

  two vaginas that's on TikTok.

• 1:20:24Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:25Theo Von?

  Uh, she sent a DM the other day to me the other day.

• 1:20:27Speaker 07

  How many DMs did she send? One of you, one from each?

• 1:20:33Speaker 07

  Dude, dude.

• 1:20:34Theo Von?

  She sent replica DMs. That's insane, bro.

• 1:20:37Speaker 07

  So can I tell you a story?

• 1:20:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:40Speaker 07

  So I'm at my boy's wedding and we're, he's from, he's from Ohio. We're at the, you know, reception now, the after reception, we're all just hanging out in the hotel room. And the one dude's like, yo, do you remember, uh, you remember that girl I went to high school with, with two vaginas? And he's like, dude, you're talking about Cheryl? And then his other buddy's like, yo, double barrel Cheryl? And I just thought that was the funniest fucking nickname I've ever heard in my life. Double barrel Cheryl. I was like, that's gotta go in some American Pie type movie. Just double barrel Cheryl. So as soon as he started talking about that, I was like, oh, I have one.

• 1:21:15Theo Von?

  Put her in a museum.

• 1:21:17Speaker 07

  Well, she used to, apparently she used to say like, this one's for my boyfriend. I'm saving this one for my husband.

• 1:21:21Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:21:22Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:24Theo Von?

  That's kind of beautiful.

• 1:21:25Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, right?

• 1:21:26Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:27Speaker 07

  Yeah. Cause I would just, I would, if I had both, I would, dude.

• 1:21:30Theo Von?

  You'd blow them both in the first week?

• 1:21:32Speaker 07

  Yeah, exactly. Exactly, dude.

• 1:21:34Theo Von?

  No, I'd be like, I'm saving this one for after dinner or whatever. I would definitely, dude. Bro, you telling me I would love a hug from somebody's grandmother? God. Those hugs are, fuck, just the way you land in them, it's like being at a spa. You get a young hug from one of these young bitches, some of them are strong and shit. They got, you know, some chick hugged me that day. She had a couple damn dumbbells in her hand, two barbells, three and a half pounders. Like, what the fuck is this? But you get a hug from a grandmother, she got them damn catcher's mitts full of love.

• 1:22:17Theo Von?

  She got two of them bitches, baby. And their arms go right into the tits. They ain't even a difference, bruh. That's just a big bicep tit. Titsep, bicep tit. That's just a damn fucking, mm, that's a fucking love seat.

• 1:22:41Theo Von?

  She got them two arms like a damn front end loader that bitch will hug you. God. It's hard to know if you, it would seem like you seem like a guy who likes being in Hollywood or doesn't like being in Hollywood, I guess.

• 1:22:54Speaker 05

  There's things I really like about it and things I really don't like.

• 1:22:56Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:57Speaker 05

  Right? And I wish they didn't have to be together, but they are, right? Like, it's kind of life. It's, there's, you gotta take the good with the bad.

• 1:23:04Theo Von?

  Cause they always get pictures of you where you seem like you're like the, the dwarf that like is kinda like the backup dwarf. You know, like you're on the side, you're smoking, you're like.

• 1:23:11Speaker 05

  What is that guy? I didn't, I don't know that character, man. It's like, is he pissed?

• 1:23:16Theo Von?

  I think he's a little pissed. Yeah, he's an understudy.

• 1:23:18Speaker 05

  He's the understudy dwarf. Okay.

• 1:23:20Theo Von?

  And not dwarf, like you're a regular headed guy, but it's like, but I, and I shouldn't have said dwarf. I shouldn't say anything, but it was like, um, I don't know. Theo all, and it's like they only put this chronology out of you. That makes you seem like you're kind of bummed.

• 1:23:32Speaker 05

  Well, here's the thing. Um, if the only time, like when somebody's taking a picture of me, I'm bummed. Because usually I'm with my kids. I'm trying to go somewhere and then there's four guys. We're like, ah, ah. And I'm like, hey, man, every time, can you give me some time? I'm trying to be with my kids. I'm, do you mind? Can you, you know what I mean? So the look on your face is kinda like, and then they go away and not taking the picture. You go inside and you're having a good time, but it's this selective experience of like, take a picture of somebody every time they're feeling irritated. They're gonna look irritated.

• 1:24:00Theo Von?

  Especially if you're the one irritating them.

• 1:24:02Speaker 05

  Yeah. It's like, I'll come piss you off and then take your picture and then put, and then be like, look how pissed off he is. Right.

• 1:24:08Theo Von?

  That's exactly what, that's exactly what that whole system is really.

• 1:24:12Speaker 05

  Right. But, and it's like useful cause that's why like, you know, I'm sure you've seen on all the stuff like the, you know, it's kind of, the idea is like, follow somebody around, antagonize them, and then hopefully they'll have like a nervous breakdown and go crazy on you. And then your video will be worth more money, you know?

• 1:24:26Theo Von?

  Yeah. It's, it's such a, it's, that whole thing gets really black mirrorish, man. I'm like you. I'm super critical on myself.

• 1:24:33Speaker 05

  If I don't honor the commitments I made to myself, I'm a bitch.

• 1:24:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:37Speaker 05

  You know?

• 1:24:38Theo Von?

  Yeah, definitely. And here's the crazy thing I would do, Kevin. I would go, I would go for a run one day or do something. And then I'd be like, we grinding every day. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go run a million mile. Next week, I'm running seven miles. And then the next day, I wouldn't even go for a run. But I'd have built up all of this steam in my head like I was in the Olympics. And so then I'd let myself, my aspirations were so diabolical and ridiculous. That, but when I did let myself down, I would let myself fall from the heights of my aspirations, not even from.

• 1:25:10Speaker 05

  Not even from where you was at.

• 1:25:11Theo Von?

  Yes. You just took one run. You just one neighborhood over. And you got yourself at the Olympic trials in Atlanta like. But the, the shame I would feel would be the fall from the Olympic trials. And I only fucking went damn, probably eleven hundred feet.

• 1:25:24Speaker 05

  That's why everybody that tell me they wanna get into fitness. They be like, what you think I should do first? I say baby steps. Baby steps. Take baby steps. If you walk in the gym and walk out, you still showed up. You did something that you wouldn't have done yesterday.

• 1:25:40Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:41Speaker 05

  Maybe this time you might get on a treadmill and walk for maybe two or three minutes. I don't know. Who knows? Start drinking more water. Baby steps, like every, like everything is baby steps.

• 1:25:51Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, I would never even give myself the grace of like, let me have those babies, you know?

• 1:25:55Speaker 05

  And you know something else I used to do?

• 1:25:57Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 1:25:57Speaker 05

  I used to compare myself to people that was taking steroids and all of that. And I'm like, I want my body to look like this. And I'm like. And I used to, I used to watch them dudes say stuff like, if you ain't got no six pack, you fat, homie. And I was like, damn, I'm fat. So I had unrealistic expectations. I'm just like you. And then I started giving myself grace and I'm like.

• 1:26:21Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:22Speaker 05

  I didn't even come in it to look like that. I just wanted my clothes to be able to fit good.

• 1:26:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:27Speaker 05

  I just, I just didn't wanna be titty man anymore.

• 1:26:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah. He didn't wanna have them nice titties on him, boy.

• 1:26:34Speaker 05

  Breast cases. I just, I just didn't wanna be titty man anymore. And then you start comparing yourself to other people and you lose. We lose ourselves in what we really wanted. What was our goal? I just wanted, I wanted a bedroom body.

• 1:26:46Theo Von?

  That's it, that's.

• 1:26:47Speaker 05

  That's it, that's all.

• 1:26:49Speaker 04

  When you get up really, really crazy high in life.

• 1:26:51Theo Von?

  You're too high.

• 1:26:52Speaker 04

  You're Madison Square Garden and all this kinda crazy shit that I was doing. It's like the fall will kill you. And uh.

• 1:27:01Theo Von?

  Cause it's not a human height.

• 1:27:02Speaker 04

  It's not human and there's no oxygen up there and there's no drag on your wings and it's lonely. And it doesn't have it, it, it's not affected by your feelings anymore. It's just this other thing. But when I went back to work and I was like, I'm doing clubs again. How's that gonna feel? And I'm sitting in the Funny Bone in St. Louis and the Coke, the machine that sends Coke to the bar is is next to my head and I'm sitting there. And there's the smell of chicken wings and pizza and I'm doing retail comedy when, you know? I was happy as fuck. I was so happy to be telling the jokes to people whose faces I could see.

• 1:27:43Speaker 04

  And whose admission prices is, uh, they're giving that to me as a, as a gift and they're going home happy. And I got back to that level of comedy and it was really beautiful. That's where I live now. I mean, I, I do the theaters because I'm still a fucking pig. I still want, I still like it, but.

• 1:28:00Theo Von?

  Well, and some of them are nice too.

• 1:28:01Speaker 04

  Some of them are nice. The Ryman in.

• 1:28:03Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:28:03Speaker 04

  Nashville, beautiful.

• 1:28:04Theo Von?

  I'm excited to come over there. I think even this year's been tough for me. It's just like, um. Yeah, I just feel like work's gotten busy and it just makes me scared kind of a little bit. And it's like, you know, and then popularity makes you scared and that's kind of scary. And then you're just like, looking at yourself, you know, it's like, what am I even? You, you're like, I can't even feel like I can't even, the controls feel far from my hands sometimes. Not, not like I'm doing crazy stuff or anything, but just like, you know, I just, I don't know.

• 1:28:36Speaker 04

  No, it's, it's, it is scary and it should be. That's the thing is it's like another electricity. You gotta respect it. It's not, it's not a small, a small thing being famous and it can go bad. And it's, it's your fault because you got into it. But that's, I don't know. It's also a human thing to want to share your work and want to be out there, you know? But once, when, when it goes bad, you get in this predicament of like, I want to go to each person's house and tell them what really happened and what, you know, the little things that are, that aren't in the way that's, you know? And that's just never gonna happen.

• 1:29:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:07Speaker 04

  And at this point with all, to me, I just want to get, I just, I just want to live.

• 1:29:11Theo Von?

  If you had to share something with somebody who had lost a sibling or who had dealt with, you know, some grief from loss, something that you've learned because, I mean, you're like almost the.

• 1:29:23Theo Von?

  The Neil Armstrong of loss. I mean, you've, you've had, you've endured a lot in your life, you know, and watched, and watched other loved ones endure a lot, you know? What, what have you kind of learned that you feel like you could share, if anything?

• 1:29:38Speaker 06

  Well, thank you for giving that opportunity because that's what I want to do is to try to make it positive for somebody, buddy. But, um, you know, it's tough because I want to tell people like when somebody dies, it's going to get better, but it doesn't get better, man. You don't even get used to it. It's just keep tolerating it and you just somehow it gets a little better someday. But there's no good word to say to them. But when somebody's really busted up, you know, and it, it, when you overcome that and are able to, um, um, maintain through that, well,

• 1:30:19Speaker 06

  then it's, it's now you, now you've, uh, you've achieved through a struggle. You've achieved over an, an obstruction. You've gone over a hurdle, you know, and it's like now you can say you won. Now I can say you won something because without a fight, there can't be a winner. There can't be a champion. There can't be a success unless there's that adversity, you know? And so God wouldn't put you through that unless you're going to benefit. And Phil, you've got a great mind. You're intelligent, God, because, oh.

• 1:30:55Theo Von?

  Oh, thanks, man.

• 1:30:56Speaker 06

  Life is, he's knocking on your door too, my friend.

• 1:31:00Theo Von?

  You too. I feel like you and me are probably pretty similar in some ways. You feel that?

• 1:31:04Speaker 06

  Sure do.

• 1:31:05Theo Von?

  I do too. So, um, this, no, David, that leads exactly to, um, kind of what I was thinking about. My next question is, how does our quality of life affect our beliefs about the, about death or the afterlife?

• 1:31:18Speaker 05

  Well, you know, I think this is something where neuroscience actually has something to offer.

• 1:31:23Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 1:31:24Speaker 05

  Right? So when I first started studying the brain, you know, forty plus years ago, I was taught, "Well, the brain just kind of sits there and it waits to react to something. Something comes in, your senses, you hear something, you see something, your brain does something, and then you move your muscles and you respond to it." And that's what it is. The brain's kind of sitting there waiting for something to happen. It's a reactive organ.

• 1:31:45Theo Von?

  Like a two-stroke motor or something.

• 1:31:47Speaker 05

  Right. And, and, well, even not like a two-stroke motor that isn't even started yet. It's waiting for someone to pull the ripcord, right, for it to start up. And what we now know, the modern conception of the brain, is that when you're just sitting there spacing out, your brain is really busy and it is a prediction machine. Your brain is trying to figure out what's going to happen next in the near term. What does that mean? It means that our brain is wired to presume that there will always be a near term, that there will be a future, right? And so, you know, I got diagnosed with terminal cancer.

• 1:32:30Speaker 05

  I was told four years ago that I had six to eighteen months to live. And, you know, while, I mean, of course, that was really upsetting and I was freaking the fuck out about it. In addition, you know, I could do practical stuff. "Oh, I better write my will. I better have this conversation with my kids. I better, you know, make sure this is done in the house and like these letters are written for my students, you know, so they can go on the next part of their career."

• 1:32:58Theo Von?

  Better fix that window screen.

• 1:33:00Speaker 05

  Right, exactly. And, but in terms of actually deeply engaging with myself not being there anymore, with my own demise, I felt like, you know, I was skittering across the ice. You know, I couldn't really dig in and grab it. I couldn't really think about what it's like for me not to be there anymore. And I thought, "Well, is this a personal failing? Do I just suck?" And I, I thought, "Well, maybe, but..." I mean, I do, but...

• 1:33:35Theo Von?

  We all do.

• 1:33:36Speaker 05

  But, you know, what I'm thinking fundamentally is that this is not something that we, as humans, are designed to do. Our brains are hardwired to predict their near future, which priests presumes that there will be a near future.

• 1:33:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:51Speaker 05

  Right? And so if you extrapolate this a little bit.

• 1:33:58Theo Von?

  And what does extrapolate mean? Does it people know?

• 1:34:00Speaker 05

  I'm sorry, if you kind of move on to the next step.

• 1:34:03Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 1:34:03Speaker 05

  Right of what this means for faith, right? If you go around the world, nearly every, not absolutely every, but nearly every religion in the world has an afterlife or reincarnation story. Very few religions, Judaism is is one, you're dead. And there isn't actually a story about what happens after you're dead, but almost every other one does.

• 1:34:29Theo Von?

  Or the big invoice.

• 1:34:30Speaker 05

  You go to heaven, you meld with the divine, you're reincarnated, but there's something that happens. These stories are exceedingly popular all over the world in all cultures. Well, I think that the reason they are is because of this brain bug we have. We can't imagine ourselves dead because our brains are hardwired to predict the future. And that's why we have these afterlife and reincarnation stories in faiths all over the world. And so I have total sympathy for these, not just because I'm diagnosed with terminal cancer, because I see them as something deep and fundamental to what it is to be human. And something that binds us all.

• 1:35:13Theo Von?

  Have you ever met someone and you were like, I could play that person? Like, is that, because that would be like, kind of like, I feel like if I were an actor, that would be like my power. Like you would corner somebody in a, in a room of a fucking party and be like, I could play you in a heartbeat.

• 1:35:28Speaker 05

  Huh.

• 1:35:28Theo Von?

  You know, does that happen with the good actors?

• 1:35:32Theo Von?

  I don't know, you have to ask good actors. I think, I remember when I was young, I remember doing this movie and that one of the other actor was talking to the director and he was like, wouldn't it be cool if, you know, Joaquin did, you know, this kind of movie, you know, kind of like so and so. And he mentioned this other actor that was like. Peer was like, like the actor, right? And the director was like, yeah, but I mean, Marquinhos know so and so. And, and he was like, and, and the other actor was like, dude, that's so fucked up. The director was like, oh, no, no, I just, I mean that in the best way, like you're a character actor.

• 1:36:08Theo Von?

  He's no Fred Armisen. Character actor, yeah, it's like, it's like kind of code for like, you can't really, like you're never gonna really get there, but you'll work. And, um,

• 1:36:21Theo Von?

  and that fucking pissed me off. Here's the thing, but it pissed me off because I was like, no, I can't, I have more like, that's not,

• 1:36:33Theo Von?

  there's more that will come out, that will come out of me. And I just,

• 1:36:38Theo Von?

  but I think I ultimately appreciate it because it made me go like, well, how do I find that way? Like, how do I find more? Yeah, there was just something like, there was something special about that time where it was like, uh, I don't know, the moment meant so much more. You know, there was something, there used to be something about the past that the moment you couldn't copy it, you couldn't record it. Like, I think that's why those times, you talk about some of this in your book, man, and uh, it's like about time and like, God, like the moment of when I was a kid or sitting there laughing with my friends, like the moment was so much more real because you were never gonna get it again.

• 1:37:14Speaker 07

  Right. And you didn't, you couldn't necessarily record it and you sure as hell couldn't share it. There's a study on this, man, I don't know if I'm gonna say it's like 20 years ago, but 25. The moment was the biggest dopamine rush. The jump, the cresting of the mountain, the pulling off, whatever you tried to pull off.

• 1:37:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:33Speaker 07

  Scientifically measured, the biggest dopamine hit. Cameras and, you know, mobile devices and stuff come out. It slowly turned to the recording of the moment. The snapshot.

• 1:37:49Speaker 07

  Okay, not the cresting of the hill, but we just recorded it.

• 1:37:53Theo Von?

  The ownership of the moment.

• 1:37:54Speaker 07

  Ownership of the moment, right? And then, what has happened now and has been around for 25 years, the biggest scientific dopamine hit that we get as humans is not the doing of the deed, is not the recording of the deed, it is when we press share.

• 1:38:14Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:38:15Speaker 07

  Now, that's a little bit like living in third person. Like, we're all running around going, "My rush is not when I run for a touchdown. My rush is when I see myself on the Jumbotron, running for the touchdown." And that's a, that's a slippery slope, man. You know what I mean?

• 1:38:32Theo Von?

  Well, it's slippery, but it also seems hard to even conceptualize who I am then, you know?

• 1:38:37Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:38:37Theo Von?

  Am I myself? Am I just a viewer of myself now?

• 1:38:41Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's it. We're much more, much more voyeurs now.

• 1:38:44Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:38:45Speaker 07

  And our identity comes from being objective, trying to look at ourself from outside. And now comes from, "Well, what did you think of what I did and how..."

• 1:38:53Theo Von?

  Yeah. And that's the worst. What did you think of what I did?

• 1:38:57Speaker 07

  Man, that will be, that'll be my definition of who I am. Yeah, we gotta watch that.

• 1:39:02Theo Von?

  Riley Mau.

• 1:39:06Speaker 06

  Yes, sir.

• 1:39:07Theo Von?

  What is something that you are kind of grateful for this year? A little thing in the world that, like, is there a moment or something in the world that makes you feel some gratitude?

• 1:39:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. I've got a, uh, got a little baby coming along the way.

• 1:39:27Theo Von?

  God dang! You have a hu, you have a baby coming?

• 1:39:33Speaker 06

  I do.

• 1:39:34Theo Von?

  Oh, my gosh! Bro! Unreal, dude. Congratulations, man.

• 1:39:42Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 1:39:43Theo Von?

  Oh, my gosh, bro. Dude, I remember when you hadn't even, um, come out of your own nuts or whatever. Remember that?

• 1:39:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:39:54Theo Von?

  Wow. And now you're like, "I'll show them."

• 1:39:59Theo Von?

  Wow, dude. I'm gonna make this skeet grow up. That's a, that's crazy, dude. Um, and is it a male or female? Do you know? Have y'all looked at it?

• 1:40:11Speaker 06

  It's a male.

• 1:40:15Theo Von?

  Amen, brother. God. God has got you, man.

• 1:40:22Theo Von?

  I won't even, we can't even pray about it right now. You care if we pray about it for a second? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it, man.

• 1:40:29Theo Von?

  God, we just want to thank you today, um, you know, in times where we're uncertain about things and where we, it feels like it's tough to get a foothold that sometimes our sense of purpose wanes, uh, based on our society, that, uh, that you can remind us that there are important things in the world. God, we want to thank you so much for giving Riley, um, a chance to be a father. You know, when I met Riley, he was barely, he hadn't even had any,

• 1:41:05Theo Von?

  uh, semen. I'm gonna say it fast so it's not, because we are, we are in a prayer. He hadn't even had any semen come out of his body. And here he is, just serving blast sauce and just having it grow up into something beautiful. And we want to lift this child up to you, God, before it's even here. Uh, and what's the name of the child, Riley? Uh, we haven't announced it yet. Okay. God, we want to lift up this unannounced child to you that at this point is still just a batch of semen and egg. That, uh, that you may, that you are helping, uh, cultivate and moisturize.

• 1:41:50Theo Von?

  And so we just want to lift that up to you, God, and say thank you for reminding us what is purposeful and that we can find purpose in family. Riley, uh, amen. Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Wilson Jr. Thank you, sir.

• 1:42:19Speaker 06

  Working on a same car, going on a decade.

• 1:42:25Speaker 06

  Scribbles on drum, man, don't draw attention. I never really noticed, but now that I mention it. Ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days. Born with a cigarette glued to their face. Fixing bout anything a hammer can't handle. Saving on the money, 'cause a Gary don't gamble. Ain't a lot of girls going by Debbie anymore. But they got the same nicotine for and out their pores. Time leaves town, but the man in hand stays. There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days.

• 1:43:11Speaker 06

  Now Gary these days been worried bout the bad news. There ain't a lot of teenagers filling up the church fuse, no. Burning bush lights, don't talk to his brother. The people even still say grace before supper. There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days. Born with a cigarette glued to their face. Fixing bout anything a hammer can't handle. Saving on the money, 'cause a Gary don't gamble. Ain't a lot of girls going by Debbie anymore. But they got the same nicotine for and out their pores. Time leaves town, but the man in hand stays.

• 1:43:56Speaker 06

  There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days.

• 1:44:12Speaker 05

  Hey, now, man, it's a damn thing running. Takes it out for a spin, first week of May.

• 1:44:46Speaker 06

  I had a weird suspicion with the light out on the front porch.

• 1:44:52Speaker 06

  Hard medication poured down where the drain pours. He holds his left arm while his parakeet prays.

• 1:45:07Speaker 06

  Has anybody seen much of Gary these days?

• 1:45:15Speaker 06

  Has anybody seen much of Gary these days?

• 1:45:26Speaker 06

  No, there ain't a lot of boys, ain't a lot of boys, ain't a lot of boys, ain't.

• 1:45:35Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:45:38Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:45:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:46:42Speaker 05

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