Why the World Is Changing Faster Than You Think & How to Stop Feeling Left Behind | Mel Robbins (Fan Fav)

Fan Favorite: This episode originally aired on September 28, 2021. The truth about life, success, and failure is everything depends on you. The problem is that you, and nearly every other person around, defaults to being at the mercy of the people, the environments, and unfortunate situations that mark the course of life. Mel Robbins is the personification of motivation on steroids packed with a high potency of raw truth. You could say she’s joining Tom to discuss her newest book, The High 5 Habit, but it’s more fitting to say she’s back to give you the kick in the ass you’ve been waiting for. Mel is not only talking about why high fiving yourself is powerful, she’s reminding you that you have a responsibility to heal yourself and do the work. While you’re chasing your dreams, understand that what the world sees as failure may just be a massive success in the timeline of your life, as has been the case for Mel Robbins. Order Mel’s new book, The High 5 Habit: https://www.amazon.com/High-Habit-Take-Control-Simple-ebook/dp/B096JQSWQ6 https://www.amazon.com/High-Habit-Take-Control-Simple-ebook/dp/B096JQSWQ6%20 SHOW NOTES: 0:00 Introduction Mel Robbins 1:42 | A-Ha Moments In Life 7:20 | Why High 5 Yourself 19:54 | Feel Worth Celebrating 25:15 | R. A. S. Looking for Hearts 34:59 | Powerful of Jealousy 37:44 | Life Is Your Responsibility 47:38 | Interrupting Destructive Worry 51:37 | Mel’s Vermont Painting Follow Mel Robbins: Website: https://melrobbins.com/ https://melrobbins.com/%20 Twitter: https://twitter.com/melrobbins https://twitter.com/melrobbins%20 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins/ https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins/%20 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/%20 CHECK OUT OUR SPONSORS Vital Proteins: Get 20% off by going to ⁠https://www.vitalproteins.com⁠ https://www.vitalproteins.com and entering promo code IMPACT at check out Allio Capital: Macro investing for people who want to understand the big picture. Download their app in the App Store or at Google Play, or text my name “TOM” to 511511. iTrust Capital: Use code IMPACTGO when you sign up and fund your account to get a $100 bonus at ⁠https://www.itrustcapital.com/tombilyeu⁠ https://www.itrustcapital.com/tombilyeu Shopify: Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial period at ⁠https://shopify.com/impact⁠ https://shopify.com/impact SKIMS: Shop SKIMS Mens at ⁠https://www.skims.com/impact⁠ https://www.skims.com/impact #skimspartner ********************************************************************** Do you need my help? STARTING a business: Join me inside ZERO TO FOUNDER here https://tombilyeu.com/zero-to-founder?utm_campaign=6762613-Scaling%20YT%20%26%20PC%20Ads&utm_source=IT_PC&utm_content=ztf_it_pc_ad SCALING a business: Click here to see if you qualify https://tombilyeu.com/scale?utm_campaign=6762613-Scaling%20YT%20%26%20PC%20Ads&utm_source=mindset_PC&utm_content=bdceo_mindset_pc_ad Get my battle-tested strategies and insights delivered weekly to your inbox:sign up here. https://tombilyeu.com/ ********************************************************************** If you're serious about leveling up your life, I urge you to check out my new podcast,Tom Bilyeu’s Mindset Playbook https://open.spotify.com/show/47VE90Cittmo6TGGFqg2xf —a goldmine of my most impactful episodes on mindset, business, and health. Trust me, your future self will thank you. ********************************************************************** Join me live on myTwitch stream https://impacttheory.co/4fitmnJ. I'm live daily from 6:30 to 8:30 am PT atwww.twitch.tv/tombilyeu https://impacttheory.co/4fitmnJ ********************************************************************** LISTEN TO IMPACT THEORY AD FREE + BONUS EPISODES on APPLE PODCASTS:apple.co/impacttheory http://apple.co/impacttheory ********************************************************************** FOLLOW TOM: Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/tombilyeu/ Tik Tok:https://www.tiktok.com/@tombilyeu?lang=en Twitter:https://twitter.com/tombilyeu YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@TomBilyeu Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices https://megaphone.fm/adchoices See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Bilyeu?

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• 0:45Tom Bilyeu?

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• 1:10Speaker 01

  That sound? That's the National Squash League. Pro teams, the world's best players, and rallies so fast you'll forget to breathe. Season four is in full swing, and every match streams free on YouTube. Big hits, bigger rivalries, and a front row seat from wherever you are. Watch every match for free on YouTube. Search National Squash League and hit subscribe or follow live updates on Instagram at NSL.Sport.

• 1:41Speaker 02

  Jealousy is one of the most powerful directional signals on the planet. Because you're only jealous of people that are doing things or have things that you actually want. It's impossible to be fake jealous. Whatever you're jealous of is hitting something deeply personal. Fucking pay attention to it. Instead of stewing in it, go, oh, flip it. How could I take those things that I'm really now really inspired by? And take action and go get them in my life? Because the thing about jealousy is, it's just your inspiration that's blocked.

• 2:22Tom Bilyeu?

  Mel Robbins, welcome back to the show.

• 2:24Speaker 02

  Thank you, Tom.

• 2:25Tom Bilyeu?

  It's been four years.

• 2:26Speaker 02

  That's hard to believe.

• 2:27Tom Bilyeu?

  I'm super excited to have you back in this chair to talk about your new book, The High Five Habit.

• 2:32Speaker 02

  The High Five Habit.

• 2:33Tom Bilyeu?

  You have a really freaky way of taking a concept that is deceptively simple.

• 2:37Speaker 02

  And stupid.

• 2:39Tom Bilyeu?

  I won't say stupid, but it could be stupid in lesser hands. How about that?

• 2:43Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 2:44Tom Bilyeu?

  And I really enjoyed the book. The part of the book that jumped out and really grabbed me, there were two. One almost made me cry, which we'll talk about later because I am very surprised that I liked that particular part. I thought, I'm gonna hate the punchline of this story. But it's the Dallas Uber driver.

• 3:00Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 3:01Tom Bilyeu?

  So as somebody who has gotten into countless Ubers and some small percentage of them know who I am, and then of course, they start asking questions. Talk to me about chasing your dreams and this quote that you have that an aha moment does not necessarily lead to an aha life.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, the Uber driver in Dallas that's in this book. I get choked up when I think about him. An aha moment.

• 3:30Tom Bilyeu?

  Why choked up?

• 3:31Speaker 02

  I get choked up because what happens for me every single day is, and you hear from people every single day, you've got millions and millions of people that are inspired by, empowered by, impacted by your content. There are people out there that use your work as a lifeline, and it is humbling. And what I am really present to in the work that I'm putting out and the stuff that I'm sharing, whether it's my failures or the things that I'm using that are helping me

• 4:10Speaker 02

  in my own struggles, is just how much people are holding themselves back and how much pain people feel. Because most folks know what they dream about and what they want.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  And yet, they're spending all of their time and energy arguing against what they want. And so you can have all these epiphanies. I hope that when somebody listens to our conversation and watches this, that they have a massive aha moment. But it's not gonna mean fucking shit if you don't take action and do something about it. The aha moment is the door that opens. But your new life does not begin unless you fucking step through the door. And most people, and that's what was so kind of, you know, the simple idea of high-fiving

• 5:12Speaker 02

  yourself, of encouraging yourself, of supporting yourself. Most people, when you have an aha moment and the door to your new life opens up, instead of going, "I got this, let's go," and high-fiving yourself to step forward, most of us go, "Mm, I don't know if I'm worth it. I don't know if right now is the right time to do this. I don't think I'm good enough. I failed so many times, I can't go through that door." And that's the problem I want to attack right now. That there is somewhere in your life that you know what you want, you can feel it pulling you, and you are actively arguing against it. You're bringing yourself down. You're beating yourself out. Like, people will cheer for you and me, they won't cheer for themselves.

• 5:57Speaker 02

  I'm the same way. And so, this Uber driver, the story that you're talking about, I get into the car, and we start driving, and I'm on the phone as we're driving. And I'm having a conversation with somebody about this daytime talk show that I launched, which was a dream with Sony Pictures Television, and then was promptly fired after season one. It was a huge fucking failure because we didn't make it to season two.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Huge failure in real world terms. Massive success when it comes to the timeline of my life. And so I'm talking to this person about the talk show. I hang up the phone and this Uber driver comes alive. He's like, "Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you're in my cab." And I'm like, "Why?" And he says, "Because I want to talk to you about something. I think you can help me." And I'm like, "Great, how can I help you?" And he says, "I have a dream of being an Oscar-winning actor and creating opportunities for other black and Latino men to do the same in acting." And I'm like, "Freaking fantastic. What the fuck are you doing in Dallas?" Right? You know, the guy's 25. And so I go, "You know, the game is in New York and LA.

• 7:06Speaker 02

  I mean, sure, you can act, you can write stuff, you can be here in Dallas, but why are you not in LA? Why are you not in New York?" And he's like, "You're right, you're right, you're right. I need to move to LA." Like, "Why not?" And he says, "I have $700 in my bank account." And I'm like, "That's freaking fantastic. You have $700 and a car? Dude, drop me off and get driving. What are you waiting for?" And so we have this whole conversation, and I write about it in this book, where I am actively arguing for his dream and he is actively arguing against his dream. And what is so sad is throughout this conversation, Tom,

• 7:49Speaker 02

  he's like, "You're right, $700 could get me there. You're right, I am only 25. You're right, if I keep thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking about what I want to be doing, I'm not only going to drive in circles, my whole life is going to spin in circles as I think about what I want and I don't do shit about it. And then you are going to find yourself, not at 25, but at 45 or 65, and you're going to be so filled with regret that you never fucking put a bet on yourself." And so this conversation ends with him declaring that he's going to go to California and me giving him a bunch of tools that I talk about in this book. And the point of the story is, does he move or not? I don't fucking know.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  The point of the story is, it's so easy to see what somebody else should do. It's so easy to cheer for somebody else. We all do that, right? We cheer for our favorite sports teams. We follow our favorite influencers and authors. We plan birthday parties for our friends. We take on extra work from our colleagues. We support everyone around us. We do not know how to do it for ourselves.

• 8:57Tom Bilyeu?

  Yeah, it's really an interesting trick of the mind. And like you, I have this similar sense of, I want to be able to want it for people.

• 9:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:08Tom Bilyeu?

  And the one thing in my life that I am very grateful for is that I know how to build desire. I know how to go down the process of wanting something.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  What is that process for you of desire? Because what I've found in this book is, here's the thing for most people, and I'm hoping that your process will attack this. What I've discovered that is heartbreaking is, the average person cannot celebrate themselves. Cannot. I'm going to ask everybody who's watching this to, tomorrow morning, stand in front of the mirror, we're going to unpack this whole thing, and try to high-five yourself. And most people-

• 9:46Tom Bilyeu?

  Really fast, give people the science behind why that's meaningful.

• 9:50Speaker 02

  So, I have this habit of, every single morning, I stand in front of the mirror and I take a moment, and I raise my hand, and I give my reflection a high-five. And there is so much science behind this. So, instead of seeing yourself, right, and having this moment in the mirror, you know what the average person does? First of all, we beat ourselves down. So, I would look in the mirror for forty-some years and be like, "Oh, my God, my frickin' jowls look like saddlebags on a goddamn horse going in the Grand Canyon. My eyes have all, my neck is all these stripes, my boob, one boob's hanging lower than the other, I look like shit, my gray hair." Like, I start bringing myself down. And when you start going down that road with your reflection, then your thoughts go to,

• 10:34Speaker 02

  "I didn't get to that email, I forgot to text Lisa back, I, oh, my gosh, the dog still needs to be walked." I've got nine minutes for my first Zoom call. You're now checking out. And that moment in the mirror every morning could be a profound moment where you lift yourself up and you check back in with your intention. So the first piece of research, and this is recent from Harvard Business School, is that a simple moment in the morning where you set an intention about who you're going to be today impacts productivity, how you show up as a leader, it impacts your confidence,

• 11:16Speaker 02

  it impacts your mood all day long, just that simple moment of setting an intention. So that's research number one. Instead of standing in front of the sink in your bathroom and criticizing your appearance or mindlessly going on autopilot, check back in and let's teach you to make it a habit to lift yourself back up.

• 11:36Tom Bilyeu?

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• 12:18Tom Bilyeu?

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• 13:46Tom Bilyeu?

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• 13:51Speaker 02

  Second piece of research, and this comes from a whole field of study called neurobics. Neurobics is like aerobics for your mind. I didn't make this up. This is literally you can speed up the development of new neural pathways by marrying physical activity with a change in thought. And so traditionally, I know you've covered this on your show. If you, for example, were to brush your teeth, I'm a right-hander. If you were to brush it with your other hand and think a new thought, the fact that your brain is focusing on brushing with your non-dominant hand activates more focus on the new thought. It accelerates the learning.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  So you take neurobics, a physical activity with a different thought, and let me, let's talk about a high five, for example. What does a high five mean to you?

• 14:44Tom Bilyeu?

  That somebody did something awesome, or I did something awesome?

• 14:47Speaker 02

  Correct. And if you think about the times in your life when you've gotten a high five, it's because somebody's like, Tom, you're amazing. Tom, get your attitude out of the can. You got this. Tom, you're gonna make this shot. Tom, we can still win. I believe in you. Keep going. You have a lifetime positive association with giving other people high fives stored right here in your subconscious mind. When you raise your hand to your own reflection, it is impossible for you to think, God, I look fat. Boy, am I an asshole. I really screwed up my life. You can't do it because your lifetime association with this motion is all, I believe

• 15:28Speaker 02

  in you, I got you, I see you, I celebrate you. And so you, in the moment of doing it, override decades of negative self-talk. It's incredible. Now, have you ever gotten a high five where somebody misses the hand, or it's sort of like, it sucks, right?

• 15:44Tom Bilyeu?

  Of course, yeah.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  Yeah. What do you do when that happens?

• 15:46Tom Bilyeu?

  I redo it.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  Correct. That's because a high five requires you to be present, and there is an intention behind it. So you can't raise your hand to your own reflection without now grounding yourself in the moment. That's just the beginning of the research. I can go on about the NBA and the...

• 16:07Tom Bilyeu?

  Dude, that was my favorite part. Hearing about the NBA, like even now it's giving me chills. Like, and especially because we're recording this still as everybody thought we were getting out of the pandemic, and now we've got the variant. Now even I'm starting to worry about the lack of physical contact and just like the cues that we give each other through touch like that. So, yeah, this was one of my favorite parts of the book.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. I love this research too, because you know what happened with the high five is, look, I did this on a low moment for myself. Like, so my brand of self-help is, Mel's life is kind of fucked up at the moment, and she can't figure out how to help herself, so she stumbles by accident on something really stupid on its face.

• 16:51Speaker 02

  And it feels good. And then I share it with my audience. And if they pick up on it and they, then I'm like, okay, we're on to something. So for me, the high five, Tom, began. I'm fired from my talk show. My book contract is canceled. Every speech has been canceled. My kids are now home. So we've got three kids, 22, 20, age 15, all in varying states of distress. I am triggered because my origin story, as you know, from being on the show and us being friends, the five second rule was 12 years ago, losing everything. And so I'm now having this feeling like I'm about to lose everything. And I'm also feeling like I'm losing grip on reality as the pandemic is hitting and as my kids are in distress.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  And I don't know what to do, just like everybody on the planet. I find myself in my bathroom one morning in my underwear. And I am having this spiral of negative thoughts. I look like shit. I don't know how to fix this. I wish somebody would solve this for me. I feel overwhelmed. I feel scared about my parents' health. I feel scared about everybody on the front lines. And even though I'm literally like you, somebody that empowers other people, I didn't know what the fuck to say to myself. And as pathetic as it sounds, I found myself just raising my hand, just in a way to basically be like, shut up, Mel. Come on, girl.

• 18:19Speaker 02

  Like, put your shoulders back, lift your, you, you got this. You can do this. And something shifted and I went on with my day. And then the next morning, I walk into my bathroom. And this is the other weird thing about the high five. I've literally either criticized myself or ignored myself in the mirror for decades. When you start to have a moment with yourself, the crazy part is you start to build a partnership with yourself.

• 18:43Tom Bilyeu?

  That's interesting.

• 18:45Speaker 02

  Like, you know, when you are pulling out of your driveway or you're walking down the street and you see a neighbor and they greet you? You will start to have that experience when you create this intentional moment with yourself in the mirror every morning. And so, as I started to do this, I thought, this is actually making me feel like the wind is at my back when I leave the bathroom. It's making me feel, just like when you leave a huddle in sports and you high-five, or you're a runner, running a race, or doing some big endurance challenge, and some spectator high-fives you, or another racer's like, "Come on, you got this," as you're dragging down low. It gives you a little energy. Like, I think too about this high-five a lot.

• 19:28Speaker 02

  Like, I know, you know, you're friends with David Goggins, I'm a huge fan of Goggins, and so, and I know there's a lot of people that watch this show, especially men, that are like, "This sounds kinda stupid." This is the equivalent of Goggins' cookie jar moment. So, we all think, like, we've all been raised like, "Tough love, hard on myself, this... "Bullshit. The research is clear on this. Being hard on yourself is not fucking motivating. It's demotivating. And if you already feel like a failure, or you feel a sense of shame, or you're overwhelmed, beating yourself up for where you are does not fucking work. It drives you into the gutter. The most motivating force in the world, on the planet, based on research, hands down,

• 20:11Speaker 02

  is empowerment, encouragement, support, and celebration. And for our entire lives, we have outsourced that to somebody else. The research is very clear. So, the NBA study, they did this big study looking at NBA teams. And they could predict, in the study, who was gonna be in the championship rounds, based on, in the preseason. What teams had the most high-fives, fist bumps, and backpats? Why? Because those kind of gestures create partnership and trust. And I'm here to tell you, when you start doing it in the mirror, you're creating partnership and trust with yourself. And so, you know, one of the things that I love about this is that, in a moment when

• 20:56Speaker 02

  you feel alone, you can give yourself the boost, the support, the empowerment that you need to keep going. And here's another piece of research that's also like, "Holy cow."

• 21:12Speaker 02

  You're a big proponent of the growth mindset. You guys talk about it all the time on this show, right? So researchers wanted to know, what is the most empowering way to motivate kids through a really big challenge, okay? They divide the kids into three groups. This takes the marshmallow test to a whole nother level. You've got one group of kids that are doing a challenging task and they're getting the fixed mindset praise, which we all know does not work. "Oh, Tom, you're so smart." "Oh, Tom, I love your glasses, that's gonna help you." "Oh, Tom, you've got a great smile." "Oh, Tom, you know, I just love so much about you, I know you can do this." So that's one group. The second group gets the growth mindset kind of praise. "Tom, you are such a hard worker." "Tom, your perseverance is unbelievable." "Tom, you just keep going."

• 21:56Speaker 02

  That does better, obviously, than telling you that you're smart, because it makes you motivated to work hard. The third group? They just got a simple high five. The researchers didn't even say anything to the kids. They just walked up, gave them a high five. The group of kids that got a simple high five outperformed, outworked through all of the challenges, all of the other forms of praise. Why? Because a high five is something deeper than praise. It fulfills your most fundamental needs as a human being. When somebody high fives you, you feel seen, you feel heard, and you feel like somebody

• 22:40Speaker 02

  has acknowledged you for the unique person that you are. Let's just talk for a second about the things that go viral. You can always find going viral. A teacher standing outside of a classroom doing what? Greeting kids with individual handshakes. And we see that and we're like, "Oh, that's amazing." Why? Because every one of those kids, before they walk into the classroom, feel seen, they feel heard, and they feel acknowledged for the unique individual that they are. All through a simple handshake or high five. And one of the reasons why I'm so excited about this is because in starting to just kind of put it out there very casually on the story, you know, in the very beginning,

• 23:25Speaker 02

  because I've been researching this now for a year. I started to get back all of the objections that people had to doing it. And they're fucking sad, Tom. And this gets to the heart of why I think so many people are stuck.

• 23:41Speaker 02

  One of the biggest objections that people had to standing in front of the mirror, take a moment, look at yourself, and then raise your hand, is people said over and over and over again, "I haven't done anything worthy of high-fiving." High-fiving feels like a celebration. I don't have the number on the scale that I want. I don't like my bank account. I don't enjoy what I do for a living. I've made a shitload of mistakes. I'm struggling with trauma. I don't have anything to celebrate. And what I realized is, people are making a fundamental mistake. You are withholding the very support, empowerment, and celebration

• 24:26Speaker 02

  that you need to change, and to do the hard work, and to face the things that you're scared of. And that's why you're not changing.

• 24:35Tom Bilyeu?

  This is so interesting. So I'm gonna push you on this. I'm super curious. Because one of the things I love about you is you're so blunt and honest about, hey, if you want to have self-worth, you have to do things you think are worthy. I'm a huge proponent of that. And yet, I do recognize that you have to let yourself off the hook to really get started. So how do you help people anchor on something? Is it just, hey, it's the fucking neurochemistry of the situation. You have to do it?

• 24:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, pretty much. Because if you can't stand in front of the mirror and raise your hand and high-five yourself just because you got your ass out of bed and you're breathing, you will never get what you want in life, ever. There is something in the resistance to it. And if you unpack that resistance, you will find the reason why you don't have what you want. You either think you're not worthy of it, or you think that it's kind of stupid, or you have been brought up to believe that, for women in particular, you're gonna be bitchy, or selfish, or not likable if you're celebrating yourself. There is something in the resistance to you simply cheering for yourself.

• 25:44Tom Bilyeu?

  So talk to the person, though, that, so as of right now, they really believe the world has shown them that they aren't worthy. It's not like they question it. They know it to be true.

• 25:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:56Tom Bilyeu?

  How do you help people? Because I recognize that as a lie, or even if it's true, it's useless. But how do you help people out of that moment?

• 26:05Speaker 02

  So, the first thing that I would say is, how is treating yourself as if you're unworthy helping you?

• 26:14Speaker 02

  Like, let's just get strategic and common sense about it. Is the negative shit you're saying, and the support that you're withholding, helping you feel better? If it's not, try this. Try celebrating yourself five days in a row. Literally, try starting your day by waking up, and raising your hand, and high-fiving yourself in the mirror, just because you're breathing, and see what happens. We have a woman that wrote to us, who's in a domestic violence shelter. She's lost everything. She's been in abusive relationships. She has a tremendous amount of childhood trauma. She is doing the high-five habit, and here's what she had to say about it. "I have nothing right now.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  I have a tremendous amount of evidence from my life that I have fucked everything up. But you know what this high-five habit is showing me? I still have me.

• 27:10Speaker 02

  I can have my own back. I can be here for myself. The world has told me and convinced me that I can't, but every morning when I stand here, and I stare at myself in the mirror, and I raise my hand in defiance of all the shit that's happened to me, I keep going. I am saying I believe in myself." And when you have that small reversal, that small act of defiance, and that's what it is. If you're, like, heavy, and you're eating emotionally, or you're feeding your trauma, when you raise your hand and celebrate yourself, even though you don't like what you look like, it's an act of fucking defiance to all the stuff that you have survived in your life. And the best part about it, you don't have to fucking say anything.

• 27:56Speaker 02

  And you know, the reason why this is so important is most mantras are complete bullshit. Because you don't believe it. You know, it's a, there's a, we all know we need to accept ourselves. We all know we need to love ourselves. But how? How do you do it to your point when you have a bunch of evidence stacked up that you failed? Or reasons that you see that make you feel like you've blown it or you're not worthy of it? I'll tell you how. You frickin raise your hand and high five yourself anyway. Because beating yourself up will not make you do the work to get healthy. And tearing yourself down over the shit that you've done or the terrible relationships that you're in. It's not going to empower you to change the patterns that are keeping you stuck.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  But raising your hand in an act of defiance or a fuck you to the past that you survived. And saying, I'm still here. Which means I still have a shot to change my life. That is what this means.

• 28:52Tom Bilyeu?

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• 29:35Tom Bilyeu?

  My link gets you an exclusive 30 days free instead of the usual 14 day trial. There's no credit card payment needed. Just head to pipedrive.com/impact to get started. Again, that's pipedrive.com/impact and you can be up and running in minutes. Another thing that you talk about in the book that I think ties this really well, which is the reticular activating system, the RAS. And you have this thing, which you say you look for the hearts.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:05Tom Bilyeu?

  And it's really an interesting psychological principle of you're going to see what you look for.

• 30:11Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:12Tom Bilyeu?

  And whether that's a red Mazda or whatever you say in the book, or whether that's a heart when you're walking around, whether that's a reason to love your wife, whatever.

• 30:24Tom Bilyeu?

  If you look for it, you're gonna find it. And if it's a problem and a reason that you're, you know, a dirtbag and a reason that you're not worthy and all of that, you're going to see them and they will be there for you and they will overwhelm you. What is this idea of looking for hearts? What is that and how do people use it?

• 30:39Speaker 02

  Okay, so I love this tool because obviously the high five in the mirror, it's like a Trojan horse. It's the beginning of building this partnership with yourself. And throughout the book, I then unpack all these other little tools and habits that you can use that are in this lane of empowerment, support, belief and self.

• 30:57Tom Bilyeu?

  The book, and I want to take a second to point this out. The book is rich with a bunch of other ideas. So anybody that's tempted to say, okay, well, I've already heard the high five myself and I'm done. You did a really good job of the, and to be honest, I'm not even sure. I guess because it was what unlocked things for you in your life. But there's like 15 things that you could have titled the book after.

• 31:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:18Tom Bilyeu?

  So anyway, back to this.

• 31:20Speaker 02

  So the reticular activity system, the RAS for short. For, if you don't know what it is, picture a hairnet over your brain that is a live network and the RAS is a filter and it has a huge job. And it is a filter that blocks out 99% of the world and lets in about, you know, .00000001%. And it is always changing. There are only four things, Tom, that get through the hairnet on your head. The sound of your name, and you've experienced this because you've been walking through a crowd and you're like, did somebody say my name? Right?

• 31:57Tom Bilyeu?

  Cocktail party effect.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  Cocktail party effect. The second thing that gets through is any sort of threat. So if you hear a loud noise and you go like this, there are lots of noises you didn't hear, but the loud one you kind of duck because it's a threat. The third thing is when your partner is interested in sex with either you or someone else. That's why you're like, why are you checking that person out? Right? You know, because the brain is letting that information in. The fourth thing, and this is where the transformation begins.

• 32:27Speaker 02

  Your brain will let in anything that it believes is important to you. The Zeigarnik effect is the documented fact that when something is important to you, and I'll explain what that means. Your brain opens up a checklist in your mind. And now, your brain, once it puts this item on your checklist, it will store the checklist in your subconscious. It's encoded in your RAS. And your mind is now on the alert to spot things related to it. The way that you make yourself feel like something is important is your nervous system goes on alert while you're thinking about it.

• 33:12Speaker 02

  You're either super excited about something, "Oh, this is super important." Or this is the trauma effect. You go on alert and you have something really bad happen, which is why things continue to bring it up throughout the rest of your life. So when you understand that if something's important to you, your filter will change in real time how you see the fucking world. You now know how to change your brain to work for you. And looking for hearts is the way I'm going to prove to you that this happens. I want to give you one other example, because everybody's experienced this. If you've ever gone shopping for a new car, or you've dreamt about having a new car, what happens immediately when you get excited about that new car

• 33:56Speaker 02

  is your mind goes, "Zeigarnik effect, oops, okay, Tom wants the new Bronco. That's cool." So what do you see now? You see Broncos everywhere. Now, they were always there, but your mind is letting them in, because the Zeigarnik effect is now made it on a checklist. It's changed the RAS. And so I am going to prove to you that it is unbelievably cool that you can change the way that you view the world by looking for heart-shaped objects. So tomorrow, when you wake up, you're going to start your day by high-fiving yourself in the mirror. I want you to examine what the resistance's about, because you're going to start to then be able to unpack what's holding you back. Then you're going to go out in the world and just like tell your mind, "I want to see a heart today."

• 34:40Speaker 02

  Look for a rock, look for a leaf, look in your like latte. Is there a little shape there? Is there an oil stain on the floor? And when you see one, stop and go, "Shit, I just..."

• 34:54Speaker 02

  Like, there's a scavenger hunt. I never would have seen that before. Thank you, brain. Now your brain's like, woo, more hearts. You will start to see hearts everywhere. And when you can start to train your brain and realize, whoa, this is actually a cool thing. This is high-fiving your mind. When you can see hearts, you can now go, wait a minute. If I can change what I see based on what I tell it, maybe if I got serious about not constantly saying I'm a failure, I wouldn't attach that or see it everywhere. Maybe if I got serious about saying, I can figure anything out. This is happening for a reason. Instead of, I'm fucked.

• 35:38Speaker 02

  You say, okay, I'm gonna learn something with this. It changes the way your brain filters everything. And this is such an important piece to the book because we've all had the experience where you love somebody deeply and you see all their incredible attributes. And all they see is failure. Or all they see is the weight that they can't lose. And it doesn't matter what you say. It doesn't matter what kind of pep talk or support you give them. Your loved one still only sees what they hate about themselves. Blame the filter in your brain. You have been bitching about your appearance or the weight on your scale, the fact that you're a failure for so long. Your brain believes it's important to you

• 36:21Speaker 02

  to see reasons why this is true. And one of the things I gotta say about this and everything in the book is the tools are simple, Tom. But it's super important to say, just because you change and start celebrating yourself, it's not gonna make the weight disappear suddenly. It doesn't change the number on the scale overnight. What it changes is you.

• 36:48Speaker 02

  And that changes your ability to deal with the problems and the issues you want to change in your life.

• 36:55Tom Bilyeu?

  You have some really counterintuitive ideas, bold stances on things, which I found incredibly interesting. One of them is jealousy. And that not to just reject that stuff offhand, but that there's actually information carried in those strong emotions.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  Jealousy is one of the most powerful directional signals on the planet. Because you're only jealous of people that are doing things or have things that you actually want. It's impossible to be fake jealous. Whatever you're jealous of is hitting something deeply personal. Fucking pay attention to it. Instead of stewing in it, go, "Oh, flip it."

• 37:36Speaker 02

  "That's interesting. I wonder why I'm jealous. What is it about it? Oh, it's that they're doing it consistently. It's that they've built a team. It's that they've aligned their work together so that they're spending more time together. Huh, how could I take those things that I'm really now really inspired by? And take action and go get them in my life? Because the thing about jealousy is, it's just your inspiration that's blocked. Jealousy is sort of the insecurity that you have that blocks this inspiration. I guarantee you, back to the Uber driver, he's jealous of all the other actors earning Oscars.

• 38:19Speaker 02

  Because he's so inspired by the thought of doing that in his own life. But his insecurity is blocking action. His fear is blocking action. So instead of it being inspiration, it shows up as jealousy. And I'm here to tell you, the second you feel jealousy, frickin', whoop, stop. Okay, let's unpack that. What exactly is it about it? And now, if I were inspired by it, because there's enough success to go around for everybody. If I can use that as a roadmap to then go figure out how I might be able to do that for myself. Wow, talk about a game changer. And now let's add in the high five. What if every time I took a little step, I celebrated myself for just doing it?

• 39:01Speaker 02

  Now you're building small wins and momentum in a direction that's meant for you. That's how you change your life.

• 39:08Tom Bilyeu?

  Yeah, that to me, getting people to understand that...

• 39:13Tom Bilyeu?

  The idea that there's enough success for anybody. It doesn't matter if you're copying somebody for no reason other than the only thing that matters in life is are you having fun? Is this a joyful life? Are you working hard at something that matters to you?

• 39:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:30Tom Bilyeu?

  And whether or not it's even a carbon copy of somebody else. If you're having a ball, you've already won.

• 39:37Speaker 02

  Totally.

• 39:38Tom Bilyeu?

  And getting people to recognize like, and this is why I like your answer around at some point, you just have to accept you're high fiving yourself in the mirror because the neurochemistry says that that's what you need to do. Getting people to understand neurochemistry is the game. And once you understand the game that you're playing, then you can play it well. But if you don't understand the game, then you're going to get stuck and you're going to be stuck forever. And you talk a lot about taking responsibility for that, recognizing nobody's coming to save you. Something you've said in the book. It's something that you've said in interviews. It's something that I absolutely think is really powerful. How do we use that? Why is that important to recognize?

• 40:14Speaker 02

  Well, it's important to recognize because first of all, nobody is coming. I mean, if you've been sitting around waiting for somebody to discover you, to pick you, to save you, to rescue you, to give you your shot. It's not fucking happening. Like at some point, you gotta wake up and realize when you're 18 and you're out of that house, you have to parent yourself. Your life is your responsibility. And as a woman, one of the things that I found to be extraordinarily transformational is when I stopped in a very traditional sense, looking to my partner to be responsible for providing for me. Providing financially, providing the support, providing.

• 40:57Speaker 02

  When I realized, wait a minute, it starts with me. I have to be able to figure out how to make myself happy. That's, by the way, the secret to a happy relationship. Marry somebody who's happy and work on your own happiness.

• 41:13Tom Bilyeu?

  Preach.

• 41:15Speaker 02

  And so when you stop outsourcing. Your happiness, your validation, your support, all of it. And you bring it back in. And you get responsible for it. It sounds scary. It's so liberating. Because you could do anything. When you're responsible, when you're the driver of your life, when you're not looking out to anybody else to fix it for you. Can you ask for help? Of course. But the buck stops with you. You're the one that has to do the work. You're the one who has to push your own ass. You're the one who has to figure out what makes you happy. You're the one who has to figure out and become self-aware about what you need. And then you're the one that has to find whatever it is,

• 41:59Speaker 02

  the courage or being humble enough to ask for help. Even if it's asking for help from the biggest ally that you have, which is the person staring back at you in the mirror every damn morning.

• 42:11Tom Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I don't know why people aren't more obsessed with their goals. It's like, if my goals demand that I ask for help, then I'm going to ask for help. Like, I'm not even gonna let anything else get in the way. I'm just so obsessed with, if my goal is exciting and honorable, then I should actually want to achieve it. And therefore, whatever it is that I need to do.

• 42:30Speaker 02

  So, Tom, this is why. And this comes back to what makes, has made me really sad and deeply moved by the kinds of things that people are sharing. Most people aren't obsessed with their goals because they don't believe they're worthy of them.

• 42:47Speaker 02

  It's easy to dream about what you want. But in between where you are and what you want, there's a tremendous amount of stuff you gotta change and do. And if you have a lot of trauma in your background, or you were raised by somebody who beat the shit out of you, or told you were a piece of shit, or if you've had to deal with microaggressions or racist, discriminatory, systematic crap your entire life, you have been given the message over and over and over, even though it's not true, that you don't deserve it, that there's something wrong with you. And if you don't, at some point, be defiant against what the world or your caregivers or your past experience

• 43:31Speaker 02

  has pounded into your brain incorrectly, unfairly.

• 43:36Speaker 02

  You will forever be stuck with that story. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You survived what happened to you. But you do have a responsibility to heal yourself and to do the work to change so that you can be the happy, fulfilled person that you were born to be.

• 43:58Tom Bilyeu?

  Yeah, that's really powerful because it's the only thing that works. And, you know, thinking about so many people have just immense things that have happened that have been unfair. And as you said, they didn't do anything to deserve it. But now what? Now you're there, you've got the trauma, and no one can heal it for you. It's, there's a name for it. I think it's called the pedestrian problem. It's like, imagine that you get hit by a car and the driver was drunk. And let's say that the driver was Bill Gates. And let's say that you win a settlement. But if the damage that happened to your body can't be fixed with all the money in the world

• 44:42Tom Bilyeu?

  and you just have to do physical therapy, then it's like, even though it is unfair that you have to do the physical therapy, you, there is no amount of money that you can throw at it that will stop you from having to suffer to build yourself back up. And I think a lot of people either fall prey to trap number one, which is they don't think they're worthy, or they fall prey to trap number two, which is it's so unfair, they just don't take action.

• 45:04Speaker 02

  Right.

• 45:05Tom Bilyeu?

  But they're nonetheless in the situation that they're in. And if the whole punchline to life is neurochemistry and feeling joyful and, you know, being excited about who you are when you're by yourself, then it's like, well, you have to do the work, even if it isn't fair. And that to me-

• 45:21Speaker 02

  Especially if it isn't. Because there's two kinds of prisons that you can sentence yourself to or be sentenced to, right? One is all the physical shit you're talking about. The circumstances of your life, the circumstances of your body, the circumstances that are unfair. And then there is the mental prison. And that's the one you're in control of. So people can do all kinds of shit to you. And you can be born into situations that are not fair, they're not safe, they're cruel, it's unfair, you didn't deserve it. But the real power that you always have is how you react to it mentally.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  I'm not saying put lipstick on a pig and ignore the very real problems you're saying, you're facing. I'm saying it begins with your mental attitude about your own ability to face it and to survive it and to move past it. That's what I'm saying. Because without that, like, let's go back to the woman in the domestic violence shelter who's had the shit beaten out of her by partners, who has immense emotional trauma stored in her nervous system, stored in the neurochemistry of her brain. She has an extraordinary amount of hurdles to get through in her life to heal, to be

• 46:46Speaker 02

  safe, to break patterns that are associated with the trauma that she's experienced as a child, the trauma that she experienced in romantic relationships, the physical abuse. She has issues related to poverty. Can a human being survive those things and change? Of course they can. It begins, though, with the belief that you can. And so when I come back to this moment every single morning, you can have nothing and you can still have your own back. You can have tremendous problems and very real obstacles that you're facing.

• 47:25Speaker 02

  And you can have a mindset that says, through my efforts, my attitude, I can have an impact on the situation that I'm in. That's the power that I have. I can ask for help because I believe I deserve it. I can seek therapy because I believe I should heal because I deserve that. I can seek information from shows like Impact Theory about how to break trauma patterns, about how to regulate my nervous system because I believe I am worthy of that. When I raise my hand in the mirror, I'm basically saying, fuck off to these people that hurt me because I believe that I deserve better.

• 48:10Speaker 02

  That's where it begins, begins with you. Self-confidence, self-love, self-esteem, self-reliance, self-awareness, it all has the same self.

• 48:22Speaker 02

  You have to give yourself those things. You want validation? Give it to yourself. You want to be cheered for? Give it to yourself. You want to feel supported in life? Start by giving those things to yourself because the most important relationship that you have is the one you have with yourself and you work on it the least. It's the foundation of every relationship you have. And so I believe that there are simple things you can do from looking at hearts, which doesn't solve your problems. It proves to you that it's possible to change the way your brain works. That's why I want you to do it. It's not going to take away poverty. It's not going to make you lose a hundred pounds.

• 49:03Speaker 02

  It's going to prove to you that shit, you do have power over the way your mind works. And when you get crafty about training your brain, you can do really cool shit. And when your attitude is optimistic, based on research, we know that you will work harder and keep going because you believe that it makes a difference. It begins with these simple things.

• 49:27Tom Bilyeu?

  Speaking of tricks that you can do to get control of your mind, in the book you talk about what I'll call a pattern interrupt. Forget the exact phrase you use for it, but you talk a lot about, "I'm not going to think about that."

• 49:39Speaker 02

  I'm not thinking about that.

• 49:40Tom Bilyeu?

  What does that mean? How do you do it? Why is it useful?

• 49:44Speaker 02

  So it's very, it's what I started doing before the five second rule, five, four, three, two, one, because you can count backwards to do the same thing. But a lot of times it's the pattern of negative thoughts. I'm fat, I'm this, I'm that, I'm the other thing. I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough. Or even just worrying. What if the Delta variant takes off? What if I don't go back to work? What if this happens? What if that? How is that helping you exactly? Like there's productive worry, which is worry that motivates you to take action. And then there's destructive worry, which is worry that makes you literally circle the drain mentally. You always want to interrupt destructive worrying or any kind of destructive self-talk. So the second you catch yourself going, "Gosh, I look fat," or "Boy, I'm a loser," or "There I go, I failed again,"

• 50:29Speaker 02

  you're like, literally slap that shit away, like high five it away. I'm not thinking about that.

• 50:36Speaker 02

  I'm not thinking about that. I'm not thinking about that. And you start with "I'm not thinking about that" because if you're so used to hearing "I'm not good enough", there's no fucking way you're gonna believe the mantra "I'm good enough". Because the thing about mantras are, and this is why most mantras are bullshit, is they don't work unless you believe them. And so, there is power in creating what's called a meaningful mantra. But the first step to getting control of the negative self-talk is interrupt that shit. "Don't listen to it." "I'm not thinking about that." "I'm not thinking about that." And then, what I want you to do is do that for a day. "I'm not thinking about that." "I'm not thinking about that." If you have any kind of thought that makes you feel bad, that you don't like, "I'm not thinking about that", the next day, start to notice. What are the patterns in terms of the thoughts that come up?

• 51:21Speaker 02

  You know, when I was writing this book, one of my daughters talked about the fact that she's constantly feeling like she's not a good person. And so, for example, she missed a dentist appointment. And because she's constantly thinking "I'm not a good person", missing the dentist appointment becomes evidence. See, there I am again. I missed the dentist appointment. I'm not a good person. No? Are you kidding? Like, if somebody doesn't have the story, if somebody has a different story, like, "I'm a pretty good person. I do my best", and you miss the dentist appointment? A lot of us are like, "Oh, thank God, I can't stand the dentist." You know, "I'll pay the $20 fee. I don't have to go." You don't attach "I'm a shitty person" to it.

• 52:04Speaker 02

  And so, she started using "I'm not thinking about that". She's not ready to believe she's a good person yet. Because she's so used to saying "I'm not a good person". So, the first step is interrupt the thing. Then, take notice. And then, you can start to create what I call a meaningful mantra. Because now, we wanna break the pattern by saying "I'm not thinking about that", or use the five-second rule, 5-4-3-2-1. And then, when you're ready, you can create a meaningful mantra to replace it. Because any pattern is gonna repeat unless you replace it. And so, meaningful mantras are things that you can be like, "Yeah, I can believe that." So, it might be, "Ah, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying." "Ah, I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best."

• 52:49Speaker 02

  Ah, you know, I screw up sometimes, but I'm not a bad person. You know, like those kind of things that are sort of not like, "Yeah, superhero mantra, I'm fabulous." Like, most of us don't really feel that way about ourselves. So if you just are like, "I'm doing the best I can," that's pretty empowering, if you think about it. Or, "I can, I can learn, I can learn from this." Or, "This is temporary, I'll be okay." Those sorts of things are little ways to high-five your mind instead of, again, going low. You've got a choice. Do you take yourself down? Or do you lift yourself up? Are you going outside of yourself? Or are you coming back in for what you need?

• 53:33Speaker 02

  I want you to come in and lift yourself up. That's what the high-five habit's about.

• 53:39Tom Bilyeu?

  Interrupt yourself. Tell yourself an empowering story. That brings us to the second thing that I mentioned at the beginning, that in the book, it actually almost made me cry. I was like, "Whoa." I was surprised by how much it hit me. But I think you and I tell very different stories about the same story. And that was the thing that I found so interesting about the painting.

• 53:58Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 54:00Tom Bilyeu?

  Walk people through that moment. I think it's worth telling the story. And then we can talk about how you see it and how I see it. And I think the, the fact that we look at this differently may be the whole punchline.

• 54:15Speaker 02

  Well, the fact that you almost cried and a robot was reading it to you as you were having the transcript of my new book read to you by a robot is amazing. Wait till you hear me read it, because in the audiobook, I sob through this story.

• 54:29Tom Bilyeu?

  Really? I'm not surprised. Like, given that it hit me in the robot voice, as you say.

• 54:33Speaker 02

  Oh, my gosh. Okay, so this is one of these moments that's like a combination of science and the Zygon Arc Effect and the R E S and wanting something. So, when I was a senior in college at Dartmouth, it was 1989. My parents came to see me and we went to this mill in Vermont. And I walked into this famous mill called Simon Pierce. And there, in the restaurant, on the wall, was this massive painting, Tom. And it was the size of a door. And I saw it and I immediately was drawn to it. And this is another thing about this book. I believe that what's meant for you is trying to reach you.

• 55:16Speaker 02

  That you are neurochemistry, DNA energetically aligned with some things and purposes and passions that just call to you. And for whatever reason, in 1989, as a, you know, 21-year-old person, I am now finding myself, I'm not in the restaurant, I am literally standing in the painting. I can hear the geese, the grasses blowing in the wind, I'm in the field that is depicted. And then all of a sudden, I come back to, I'm back in the restaurant, I'm like, I am going to own this painting. Zegner effect, right there. This is important to me. I have a full-body sensation, I lean forward, oh my god, it's $3,000. Not today, not today. That's it.

• 56:01Speaker 02

  I go back, I have dinner. But here's the thing, once something's important to you, it never leaves your mind. If you always dreamt about being a singer-songwriter, and you never did it, you will be haunted by that at the age of 70, because it's still right here, stored in the back of your mind. It's something that's meant for you, that's trying to call to you. You see, your dreams, you either pursue them, or they fucking haunt you. So this painting like imprinted itself on me. And for years, I would think about it. Anytime somebody would say the word Vermont, or there was like hand-blown glass that was kind of heavy at a bar, I'd think about this painting. Now, my life goes on, couple, like almost a decade passes, I get married to my husband

• 56:46Speaker 02

  Christopher, and we're going up to Vermont. And we go to the mill, because I want to see if the painting's still there, and we go all around the mill, and the artist is still there, Gail Shepherd, but my painting's gone. And here's the interesting thing, Chris was more disappointed than I was. Because I was so sure that at some point, I would have enough money to track down the person that bought it. That I would, at some point, whether I was seventy years, sixty years, at some point, I would own it. Now, it's interesting because there were other areas of my life where I did not have this assurance. But there was something about this painting. I kept an open mind. I believed it was possible, even when I wasn't doing anything about it.

• 57:30Speaker 02

  So a couple more years passed. I turned thirty, and my husband asked everybody to just chip some money into an envelope, and he hands me an envelope full of five hundred dollars. I immediately think about the painting. Now, keep in mind, five hundred dollars isn't gonna buy shit by this artist at this point. I'm pregnant. I should probably buy a crib or stools for our new house. But I pick up the phone and I call the mill, and I'm like, I would like to buy a piece by Gail Shepherd. And I tell him my budget, and the guy kind of clears his throat and is like, well, I can send you Polaroids of the small pieces. And then I'm embarrassed. I say, by the way, there was this one piece. And I described this painting as best as I can remember it in full detail. And the guy goes,

• 58:07Speaker 02

  "Well, that was before my time, but I bet Gail will remember." And I'm like, "Gail? You know Gail?" And he's like, "Of course I know Gail. She lives down the street. Here's her number." So I eventually call Gail, and we have this amazing conversation. And I say, "By the way, there was this one painting almost ten years ago."

• 58:30Speaker 02

  Big Vermont landscape, a stand of poplars down the center, grass blowing on either side, and I could hear her thinking. And she said, "You know, Mel, over the years, I've done so many large format paintings. I'd hate to guess which one it was and be wrong. How about this? Why don't we meet at the mill? We'll walk all around. I'll tell you the stories behind the paintings. And then if you don't like anything there, I'll take you back to my studio, and you can look at what I'm working on. If you don't like anything there, then you can look through my slides. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to find this painting that you saw over a decade ago." So I am like on fire now. We go to the mill. We meet her and her husband. She's phenomenal.

• 59:11Speaker 02

  We're walking around. And Tom, as we're walking around and people are coming up to her, I'm realizing, I'm fucked. Like, I can't afford any of these paintings. I am with somebody that I admire. Like, it'd be like meeting your favorite basketball player and knowing you can't afford a ticket to the game.

• 59:31Speaker 02

  And we sit down, and she says, "Now that we're sitting down, I have something to tell you."

• 59:41Speaker 02

  And she says, "There has only been two times in my entire life that I have done two studies of the same scene at the same time." Your painting is one of them. It's a pair. And the sister piece to the painting that you saw all those years ago is sitting in my studio, where it has been waiting for the last 11 years for you to come looking for it. And so we drove down the road and we walked into her studio and there on this big easel was the sister piece to my painting. You know, I immediately

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  could see slight differences, like the grass had slightly less movement in it. And like a few less trees going down the center. It was the most exquisite moment of my life. It was like time collapsed and I was standing in that mill in 1989 saying, "This would be mine", with every fiber of my being believing it was true. And 11 years later, standing before it. And then, of course, I'm like, "Oh my God, I can't fucking afford this." And so I say to Chris, you know, "Just promise me you'll buy me this someday." And so he turns to Gail and says, "Hey, Gail, how much for the big one?"

• 1:01:06Speaker 02

  And she said, "Well, Mel can have it for $500", because clearly, when I was making it, I was making it for her. And it now hangs in my kitchen and it's on the author photo of the book. And it is a reminder that your mind is designed to help you get what you want. You just have to be willing to believe it's possible.

• 1:01:36Tom Bilyeu?

  Yeah, that that story really, really hit me. And the reason it hit me, I mean, partly kismet. It's just like, wow, like, what are the odds? That's so crazy. And then the other part is that you get to tell a story about what that means, right? So whether it's, you know, the Einstein quote about how the most important decision any human has to make is whether you live in a friendly or a hostile universe. And I've always loved that he said, it's a decision. Or whether you say, you know, this is the universe looking out for me. Or whether you say your brain is going to guide you to the things you want. Or, you know, for me, it's just that you get to stamp that with meaning.

• 1:02:18Tom Bilyeu?

  And I find that part of the human mind so powerful that it really doesn't matter what happens to us. What matters, what makes that an emotional story, is that you get to stamp it with meaning.

• 1:02:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:32Tom Bilyeu?

  And I don't know who first said that we're meaning making machines, but it's like so spot on. And yeah, it was just so incredible hearing as you just walked us through. I mean, you do it just like you did it in the book. And that we can assign so much profundity to something like that. I think it's exquisite. And, you know, to tie it up with a bow, you know, the whole thesis of your book is that there are these very simple things that you can do to unlock your mind and then to begin to guide your mind, to guide it away from the things that have caused you trouble, towards the things that are going to empower you such that you will take the action that you need to take in order to get the life that you actually want.

• 1:03:16Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 1:03:19Tom Bilyeu?

  No? Another incredible journey. I mean, really, really, I was impressed by the book. I think it is extraordinary. I think it is well worth people's time.

• 1:03:29Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you.

• 1:03:29Tom Bilyeu?

  I think it is chock full of things that people can use. Where can they connect with you? Is the book wherever one would normally find books?

• 1:03:37Speaker 02

  You can buy it. I'm super excited. Like, it's literally releasing in 18 languages. And.

• 1:03:42Tom Bilyeu?

  Go.

• 1:03:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:43Tom Bilyeu?

  All right, then.

• 1:03:44Speaker 02

  And you can get it around the world. And the other thing that I love about it, yeah, I would love for you to buy the book. I'd love for you to listen to the audiobook because it's very different experience than reading the book. You should absolutely read the book. But also, the audiobook is, I am talking straight to you with a level of intention that is going to just scream through that microphone. And you can connect with me online. My website, Mel Robbins is where you find me. But what I also love about everything that we're talking about is it's free. And you can use it with your kids. You can teach it to the senior citizens in your life. You don't have to have even graduated from high school.

• 1:04:25Speaker 02

  This is tools that you can put to use immediately grounded in science that absolutely work. And it's the beginning of a whole new relationship that you're going to have with yourself. And that's going to change everything.

• 1:04:38Tom Bilyeu?

  I love it.

• 1:04:38Speaker 02

  I love you.

• 1:04:39Tom Bilyeu?

  I'll be right back. Boys and girls, the book is phenomenal. You won't regret it, trust me. And as an audible junkie myself, I can't encourage you guys enough to give that a listen, knowing that we'll be hearing it directly in her voice. And speaking of other things, it will be amazing. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. Peace. Let's talk about a pattern that is guaranteed to be killing your progress. You know what you need to do. You need consistent nutrition. We all do. You need vitamins, probiotics, greens. We all know that we should be doing more of it. When your morning gets chaotic, you skip it. When you travel, you skip it. When your routine breaks, everything tends to break.

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