Caller: “Porn Distorted My Sense of Reality”

❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. On today’s episode, we hear about: A man grappling with the effects his porn addiction is having on his relationships A father struggling to relate to his teenage daughter A man wondering why his parents won’t kick out his manipulative adult brother Next Steps: 📋 Stay connected all week long. Download Dr. John Delony's free Weekly Marriage Check-In Guide: 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 50% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Growing up, I experienced a lot of verbal abuse and lost my dad at nine years old. I was exposed to pornography at 10 or 11 years old by a sister's friend. Anytime I see a beautiful woman and she doesn't look me in the eyes or acknowledge me, it's like, it feels like a micro rejection.

• 0:31Dr. John Delony?

  A word for that is hell. You grew up in hell.

• 0:39Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking real calls from real people going through real challenges. Love to have you on the show. We're talking your mental, emotional health, your marriage, your kids, your dating relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. Give me a shout. Click the link in the show notes. I was about to say call in, but you kids don't call anymore, y'all. Click links in show notes. So do that and it will go to Kelly, the overlord, and she'll get you in on the show. Love to have you in. Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Kyle. What's up, Kyle?

• 1:16Speaker 01

  Dr. John Deloney.

• 1:17Dr. John Delony?

  What? He said that like you're about to murder me. What's up, man?

• 1:23Speaker 01

  No, I just, I just want to talk to you for a long time, so I'm honored to be here.

• 1:27Dr. John Delony?

  I'm glad you called, brother. What's going on, dude?

• 1:30Speaker 01

  So my question is, how do I overcome shame from past pornography use and learn how to relate to women in a healthy way?

• 1:38Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 1:39Speaker 01

  Loaded question. I'm 23.

• 1:41Dr. John Delony?

  23.

• 1:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's a big question.

• 1:47Dr. John Delony?

  What are two or three things you like about yourself? What do you, what are you good at? What do you bring to the world?

• 1:53Speaker 01

  Um, I'm passionate about my faith. That's a big part of my life.

• 2:01Speaker 01

  I think I have a lot of love to give. Definitely think I have that.

• 2:06Dr. John Delony?

  When you wake up in the morning, who's counting on you? That you show up?

• 2:13Speaker 01

  I'd say my friends, people who hold me accountable, I hold them accountable.

• 2:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:19Dr. John Delony?

  What about work?

• 2:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, they depend on me. I mean, I work for the post office, so they definitely need me out there. If you call off, that's kind of a big deal.

• 2:30Dr. John Delony?

  Or do you, do you carry mail?

• 2:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:34Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So for whatever it's worth, I depend on you.

• 2:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:39Dr. John Delony?

  You make sure my light bill gets to me so it stays on and you make sure my letters get to and from. So for whatever that's worth.

• 2:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:48Dr. John Delony?

  How do you, how do you show up for your friends?

• 2:52Speaker 01

  Um, well, you know, we all hold each other accountable and so they meet sex each other, call each other, leave voice messages, just make sure we're all doing good and you know, being disciplined in our face, things like that.

• 3:06Dr. John Delony?

  How do you have, how do you have fun? How do you enjoy this crazy thing called life?

• 3:13Speaker 01

  I get with my friends, you gotta have that, you gotta have that community.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  So we get together on Friday nights a lot of the time and we'll just, we'll sit around, we'll hang out, play games and laugh, joke around.

• 3:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  So that's always a good time.

• 3:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So there's a reason why I was asking you those questions and we'll loop back to them in a bit. Talk to me about shame.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, so there's a couple of layers to this. I'm gonna try to get to this quick, just to give you a little bit of background. So growing up, I experienced a lot of verbal abuse, emotional neglect. I know you hate the word narcissism, but I'm not even kidding, like for my mom, like narcissism. I'm not even kidding. Still goes on to this day.

• 3:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:58Speaker 01

  Um, I have compassion for it because I, you know, I understand she's got a lot of trauma herself, but it is what it is. Lost my dad at nine years old, kind of left to do my own thing most of the time growing up, whether it's video games, computer, stuff like that. And I was exposed to pornography at 10 or 11 years old by a sister's friend. We were at my grandma's house and we're in some back bedroom, just us three, and her friend pulled up something on the computer and I saw it. So from the ages of 18 to 20, because I'm 23 now, right? So 23, 18 to 23, I was battling it because you know, 12 to 18, I was full blown addicted, like nonstop. But 18, I gave my life to Christ and so I was actually battling it.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  I was struggling, like I wasn't, I didn't want to be doing it, but you know, that was my destructive coping mechanism. I didn't see any other way to deal with the life that I was given. And you know, that's not to blame, that's not an excuse to act a certain way. But earlier this year, I got diagnosed with OCD and my major struggles with that is mental rumination about now it's my faith because it's the number one thing I care about. And two, um, the rumination of there's like sexual fantasies, just unwanted intrusive thoughts, like, and it's almost like anytime I see a beautiful woman and she doesn't look me in the eyes or acknowledge me, that I'm there, it's like, it feels like a micro rejection.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  And I don't know if that's just from the porn use or if it's layers of, oh, you know, I was treated this way by my mom, didn't have my dad, and then that leads to the porn use, which leads to the shame. I don't know if it's that, but yeah.

• 5:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  A lot of brokenness there.

• 5:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, after five years of grinding, I want you to consider the part of faith, the part of settling into this thing called peace, anchoring into something bigger than yourself as a place of rest, not a place of war.

• 6:06Dr. John Delony?

  And I think this is where the American church has gone completely off the rails.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  Oh, absolutely. And you know, like earlier this year, I had three months where I didn't do any of it either, and I wasn't doing it for the right reasons, like subconsciously it was for another reason.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  But now I'm over a month in and I'm totally committed.

• 6:28Dr. John Delony?

  A month into not looking at pornography?

• 6:30Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:31Dr. John Delony?

  Great.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  Month in, but I'm actually totally committed and I'm like, it's for my faith, but also it's not the kind of man I want to be because if I ever want a chance at being a good husband, a good father, one day, that cannot be in my life. And so.

• 6:46Dr. John Delony?

  Fair, but you're, you're still projecting out.

• 6:49Speaker 01

  Right. Right.

• 6:50Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to hear me say, you're worth being at peace in your own skin.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 6:57Dr. John Delony?

  And you have an inability to exhale.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:02Dr. John Delony?

  And what, what pornography does, especially given your, your, your background, it's just a 100% numbing agent. It's an off ramp to a series of really uncomfortable feelings that stem all the way back to your dad passed away and that will blow up any young man's life.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Exactly. Because that's what I noticed, like as I've gotten off of it is a lot of emotions are coming up and it's like, okay, well, that's something to address, not to run from.

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. So, so think about this, this is going to be a, and again, I'm over correcting, okay? But think about pornography as a crutch that got you through your childhood.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. A very unhealthy crutch that's given you, like it's a crutch that was too short and was too rickety, so now you got back problems and knee problems too. But it got you from A to B. And what I want you to do is look back on 12 to 18 year old you and give yourself a ton of compassion. I survived.

• 8:05Dr. John Delony?

  I survived in a pretty unhealthy way and I developed some unhealthy habits that I'm going to have to undo as an adult, but I made it. My mom was sick, my mom wasn't well, my dad passed away.

• 8:17Dr. John Delony?

  Another word for that is hell. You grew up in hell. And you, you limped out. You made it.

• 8:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 8:28Dr. John Delony?

  And so this, this really toxic combination of faith language and internet psychology legalese, not legalese, internet psychology verbiage has created a prison for you that's locked on the inside.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:50Dr. John Delony?

  The reason you go to therapy is for freedom. The reason you get on your hands and knees and surrender to something bigger than yourself, in your case, God, for freedom.

• 9:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:02Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Not for war. Now you turning to face this thing.

• 9:09Dr. John Delony?

  And saying, "I'm gonna go sit with a trauma therapist because I grew up in hell.

• 9:15Dr. John Delony?

  And this stuff is encoded in my nervous system.

• 9:19Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to make a pointed effort to believe in my skin from the inside out that I love myself as much as I profess on Sunday mornings that the God of the universe loves me."

• 9:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, and that's, you know, that's honestly, that's been my biggest struggle with, with my whole faith journey is, I think the shame plays a big part of it.

• 9:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, cuz you, how in the world can you believe this God loves you if you don't love you?

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 9:44Dr. John Delony?

  If you don't think you're worth this love. It's, it's, it's, it's a bad algorithm. It will just endlessly, you'll have the, the Apple Macintosh Wheel of Death just spinning on your screen all day long because it never will settle.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:59Dr. John Delony?

  And so here, here's the thing, here's what shame is. You, you may have heard me say this. If you violate your core values, which one of your core values is, "I wanna, I, I don't want to objectify women. I don't wanna be, I don't wanna participate in pornography. It's bad for me. It's bad for the, the people on the other end of the, of the videos, of, of the video cameras. I want out of this." If you violate that core value, you should feel guilty. That's a good emotion. That's your body's innate signaling, saying you have done something that is out of step with who you wanna be. Guilt is, "I did something bad." Shame is, "I am bad."

• 10:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:39Dr. John Delony?

  And shame is incongruent with this faith practice you say you have.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:48Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. And like, like I'm saying, like that's, as far as the, those intrusive thoughts I mentioned earlier that started when I was 18, it's, the biggest thing is, like, it attacks me in my faith cuz it's, and that's, it's like, it's like, "Oh, well, you know, how could God ever save you? How could you ever be forgiven?"

• 11:08Dr. John Delony?

  Think about it another way. Think about it another way. Instead of saying, "My mind is attacking me," say, "Oh, my mind is trying to solve an unsolvable problem again, huh."

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:19Dr. John Delony?

  One of those is filled with curiosity and compassion, and one of those just simply anchors down that ruminating system, cuz it, now your brain realizes, "Oh, you're trying to fight back."

• 11:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:32Dr. John Delony?

  It's like an AI system that they're, when they're testing them and they, and they say, "Hey, this guy's gonna try to turn you off later," the AI system will go attack that guy.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:41Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And the loop gets more powerful. And so you have to break the loop.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  The bigger it gets.

• 11:47Dr. John Delony?

  Right. So, so I'll give you a couple of paths out of this thing, but you have to listen to me. It, it's gonna be a daily practice, and it's gonna be over time. And if you don't give yourself time, and you don't give yourself compassion, and you don't take some pretty radical steps, I promise you, you're gonna call me back in 24 months, in two years, with a whole other set of numbing agents that you've clung to.

• 12:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? So here's thing number one. I want you to write a letter to 16-year-old you and let that boy off the hook. Let him go play with his friends, dude.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  Tell him you're proud of him.

• 12:32Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:33Dr. John Delony?

  Tell him you're frustrated with him for the things he chose to do.

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to be specific.

• 12:42Dr. John Delony?

  Cuz you and I both know, now, it wasn't just pornography. There was things going on behind closed doors that you're not proud of. Be honest about those things in this letter to your 16-year-old self. And then I want you to have a section of that, of that letter where you are really proud of him. Here's what was going on with mom. Here's what our house was like when dad suddenly passed away and disappeared.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:07Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want you to end that letter with several paragraphs, not one sentence. "Here's the man I'm gonna be. Because you survived, here's the man I'm gonna be."

• 13:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:21Dr. John Delony?

  That's number one. Number two, I want you to go to Walmart today, go to Walgreens today, get on Amazon, I don't care, find a journal, and you're going to begin writing down the intrusive thoughts, and they pop in your head, every single freaking one of them.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  Think about OCD as your brain trying to solve an unsolvable problem. It's trying to help you out.

• 13:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 13:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:48Dr. John Delony?

  It's not your brain going to war with you. Once you get those thoughts out of your body and onto a piece of paper, distant from you, you can ask yourself, "What can I, is this true, and what can I do about it in the present? Is there a thing I can solve right now?" And here's the third thing. You gotta go in your local community, and it's gonna cost you some money, and it's worth every freaking penny. You gotta go sit down with a trauma therapist and say, "I grew up in hell, and I wanna have peace inside my own chest."

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. I've, I've been seeing a counselor for a while, but...

• 14:27Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to see a trauma-informed counselor. I don't want you going to counseling and just repeating the same stories that you grew up with over and over and over and over and over again.

• 14:33Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 14:35Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to have a counselor that's giving you assignments, and you actually do those things outside of the office, so you can begin to feel what it feels like to not be at war with yourself 24/7, 365. And now, when it comes to seeing women and all that stuff, bro, it's just, it's just called rejection. That's life. Feel it.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:55Dr. John Delony?

  And then get on with your life. Trying to sit down and analyze every, "She didn't raise her eyebrows. She didn't look back. She didn't wanna date me. She doesn't think I'm cute." And then trying to stem all that, all the way back to some childhood, that's an exhausting way to live.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:12Dr. John Delony?

  Knowing, "Oh, my body is pretty overreactive to rejection." That's a, that's a good piece of data to know. And then get on with your life.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:21Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And then have a series of, "Oh, when I feel super rejected, I need to exhale. I need to do three or four long exhales. I need to force myself to smile. I need to not say anything for 60 seconds." Those are just practices, man, and you'll, and they become part of you. The last thing I'll tell you is, when it comes to pornography and you trying to abstain and all that, bro, you gotta get the alcohol out of your house, man. And if that means cutting off your internet, and that means, I mean, you're not on call, you're not 24/7, you're not a first responder, you, you're, you work at the post office. Go to a flip phone. Um, cut the internet off your house. You gotta get rid of the alcohol

• 16:04Dr. John Delony?

  in your house. You gotta not go to bars anymore. And then you gotta deal with the discomfort of the things that I normally numbed out with are gone. And now I gotta make peace in this life. What does that mean? I gotta invite friends over. I gotta go join a bowling league. We can't just get together on Friday nights. We gotta get together on Tuesday nights and Friday nights, and, and on and on and on. This is an overhaul. But all that overhaul has to stem from a place of, "I'm loved, and I'm worth being loved by the God of the universe, by myself, by my friends, by some future wife." And me walking around thinking, "I'm the worst person who's ever lived, and I suck, and I'm awful," which is what shame is, is just you picking up cinder blocks every morning you wake up and

• 16:49Dr. John Delony?

  saying, "This is how I'm gonna go do life. You have to decide I'm done with that." And it's a practice. Thanks for the call, brother. Your honesty and openness is gonna help a whole bunch of people, man. Thank you for the conversation. Call me back anytime, my man. We come back. A man asks how to build a better relationship with his teenage daughter. Be right back.

• 17:10Dr. John Delony?

  As you know, I'm a big believer in therapy done well. It can be a powerful way to dig into patterns, personal challenges, and practice new ways of relating to other people and living life in the presence of a trained, licensed professional. But sometimes challenges take more than a traditional 50-minute session, once a week or once every two weeks. Sometimes pausing the grind of everyday life and digging into a multi-day intensive experience with your spouse, or your kids, or even by yourself, can transform everything in your home, in your marriage, and in your life. And this is why I wanna tell you about Capstone Wellness and their Vine and Root program. Vine and Root is a deeper level of care. It's a three-to-five

• 17:54Dr. John Delony?

  day therapy intensive for couples, for families, and individuals who need more than once-a-week sessions to change their life. Whether it's trauma, addiction, marriage challenges, burnout, or anything, they will give you tools and a plan that you can leave with and apply to your everyday life. Capstone Wellness is a Christian organization, but they help people of all faiths, all backgrounds, and all experiences. They don't push anything on anybody, and they follow a strict code of ethics. Vine and Root is a real investment of your time, your energy, and your money. But if you're serious about getting well, change can require serious commitment. Go to capstonewellness.com/daloni and click on Vine and Root to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com/daloni.

• 18:42Dr. John Delony?

  When it comes to supplements, there's one main company that I trust. Thorne. I was first introduced to Thorne by professional athletes over a decade ago. And Thorne continues to be the main supplements I trust for me and my family. You probably don't know this, but supplements are an unregulated industry, largely unregulated industry. And that means it's flooded with garbage and nonsense and false promises. Most companies cut corners. They even lie on their labels about what's inside the actual capsule or pill or gummy that you're taking. Thorne doesn't do that. Thorne makes every product at their world-class facility in South Carolina. Thirty-five percent of Thorne's employees work in quality control.

• 19:25Dr. John Delony?

  And Thorne rejects up to 15% of raw materials because good enough is not how Thorne rolls. Thorne rolls with perfection. It's why pro athletes, Olympic teams, and more than 60,000 doctors trust Thorne, and that's why I trust them too. Stop guessing what's going into your body. Stop filling your body with nonsense that it doesn't need or want. Go to thorne.com/theletteru/daloni and get 25% off your order when you create an account. That's T-H-O-R-N-E, thorne.com/theletteru/daloni.

• 20:03Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Rapid City, South Dakota and talk to Joseph. Hey, Joseph, what's up, man?

• 20:08Speaker 02

  Hey, how we doing, Dr. John?

• 20:10Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good. So Kelly tells me that your wife called a few weeks ago.

• 20:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, actually last week.

• 20:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Tell me, tell me, I take so, between this show and how many episodes we shoot in a single week and the other shows that I do, I take so many calls. Walk me through what your wife called about and then you circle them back.

• 20:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, so she called because she wanted to like have you, I guess, help her through how I parent, I guess, my, our daughter.

• 20:42Dr. John Delony?

  Your teenage daughter?

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:44Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, okay, okay.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  She's 13, she's 13, so just get there. And she explained to you that I was like, I guess, I'm an educator. I teach high school.

• 20:58Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah, okay, now I got it. And so you're, you're like an award-winning teacher. You're really good there. And then you get home.

• 21:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, apparently.

• 21:05Dr. John Delony?

  And you're home, no, just own it. You're a good teacher. That's fantastic. And you get home and you and your daughter are at a constant state of war.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  Absolutely. I mean, like, it's like dropping grenades in the house, you know, and stuff. And it just, it's frustrating for me too, because I do have these glimpses where like, I mean, we're, we're good. We, you know, it seems like the relationship like I want to have. I see glimpses of those, but then it, like, I ask her to do one thing for me and it's an automatic fight. You know, it.

• 21:47Dr. John Delony?

  So give me an example. Let's pull apart a real-life example. And then we'll get to the root of it.

• 21:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, so like a real-life example is like, hey, I need you to pick up these clothes from the living room, right? And she will be like, no, and just like start a fight. Like you always micromanage me or things like that. Or actually, let's go over to like her and her younger brother, like they're playing down there, whatever. I yell down at him like, hey, you're kind of ramping up, tone it down a little bit. And then she will, like, they keep ramping up and then she'll get so like into the game or whatever they're doing, that then one of them ends up getting hurt, right? And then I call them up and be like, hey, like, this is why I told you not to do this.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  And then it's just like, you're always on his side. You don't like me anymore. And then she'll run away. And like, when she runs away, like, then I like lose it, right?

• 22:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 22:43Speaker 02

  And so I guess I, I have a hard time with that because that's not like who I want to be. Like, I don't want to, I don't want to be that one that is so assertive, you know, I guess. I wanted to not be, I wanted to listen and like do what I ask her, not because I want to be controlling, but so that, you know, I can see stuff happening, right?

• 23:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, well, well.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  And then, and then when I get into the teaching aspect of it, like, you know, I give kids, like my students, the opportunities to learn and grow. And I can sit through them with that, but like, why can't I sit through things with her?

• 23:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, totally. So there's a couple of, couple of things, threads I want to pull all the way down to the bottom, okay?

• 23:41Speaker 02

  Perfect. I listen to you a lot. So like, this is crazy.

• 23:45Dr. John Delony?

  Well, dude, I am, I can't tell you how, what an honor it is. I always tell folks like, hey, if your husband wants to call me, or if your wife wants to call me, I'd love to talk to her. They never do. And so the fact that you did is, I hold that, I hold you in high esteem, brother. Okay?

• 24:00Speaker 02

  Well, thank you.

• 24:00Dr. John Delony?

  It's awesome. And this is the pot talking to the kettle, except not from teaching, but from mental health. Because I will tell you, I personally struggle in my bones that I've got millions of people reaching out on a regular basis for my thoughts on things. And my wife and kids could care less. And at the end of the day, deep, deep, deep, deep inside my chest, they're the only ones I care, I mean, I care about everybody, right? But they're the ones I really care about.

• 24:36Speaker 02

  Right. And then, you know, that's the, that's the worst part about it is like, when I get home or something, like, I just want it to be, and I like, don't get me wrong, like, love my wife, love my kids, love the place we've built, like the life we've built, like, we do everything together as a family. And so like, what really happens is during the summertime, when we're home by ourselves, like me and the kids, you know, that's when this stuff happens. And the majority of it happens, you know, and she's got a cell phone, so she's quick to call mom and things. And so it just like, I don't know, it's starting to get between me and my wife, and I don't want that to happen.

• 25:17Dr. John Delony?

  My guess is, and if the data is correct, there's already things with you and your wife, and this is fully exposing them.

• 25:26Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:26Dr. John Delony?

  There's some research into this, and it's outdated now, actually. Brad Wilcox and his team just released some new data. But for a while, there was this, for years, there was this thing called a U-shaped curve for couples. They, they're happy when they get married and they're together and they're kind of doing life, and they start having kids, and their happiness plummets. And then it slowly over time circles back up. What a lot of the researchers who looked at that U-shaped curve found that actually what the kids did was they exposed the issues in the marriage. So it wasn't the kids themselves that made the marriage worse. In fact, when marriages are together, the U-shaped curve actually goes up. It's inverted. But that, that kids,

• 26:09Dr. John Delony?

  they expose, they bring to light things about each other that we don't like, that we're frustrated, that we don't want to talk about, that we've kind of just put to the side. And they force you to have those interactions, which brings the whole house down.

• 26:21Speaker 02

  I see.

• 26:22Dr. John Delony?

  But let me get to a couple of root issues here. Root issue number one is, again, everything I'm speaking here is on a bell curve. There's always going to be on either side of these issues. But often when it comes to young kids and teenagers and parent interactions, there's not an anchor point. Here's what I mean. Do you and your daughter have a regular practice of doing things together, just y'all two, where you delight in each other?

• 26:54Speaker 02

  Not really.

• 26:55Dr. John Delony?

  Going to breakfast, going, being silly, taking her dress shopping once a month if, if X, Y, and Z has happened. Like, is there a regular, what I would call, like, if you think about a house, is there a regular pouring of a rebar, like reinforced concrete and steel foundation, so that when you ask her to do something, it's tethered to this guy is on my team like nobody else on the planet?

• 27:25Speaker 02

  No.

• 27:26Dr. John Delony?

  Because if it's not anchored, then you've got a balloon floating up above you that you're constantly shooting BBs at.

• 27:33Speaker 02

  I see.

• 27:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so the investment here really is less in these abrupt, like explosive interactions. And they're off-grid, they're offline. So it's you looking at your calendar saying, okay, I'm sweeping the calendar. And by the way, it's really hard to not lean towards work because at work, there's artificial environments. Those kids have to come to your class. You hold the key between them and their social freedom, their academic freedom, because you decide what goes in that, in that computer, in terms of grades. You decide what they're going to do during the class, after hours, on weekends. You're in control and they submit

• 28:18Dr. John Delony?

  to that. They're forced to submit to that. And so that whole, that whole environment is artificial. And in that artificial environment, you are really good at developing relationships, but those relationships will always be hierarchical. You're always in power. And with your kid, you are in power too. But the goal is, how do I bring this kid up to be a functioning adult, to where they are autonomous human beings with their own agency? And that can only happen through intentional relationship. And with kids, the greatest deposit into that relational bank account is time, directed time.

• 29:00Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's you looking at your life and swiping it, like your arm across everything and saying, I know the drug of work where I'm successful in this environment. It's easy to lean that way because that's where I'm celebrated, that's where I'm in control, that's where I get to decide what happens with my life. It's you saying, I'm going to lean back in where it's uncomfortable and it's unpredictable. And number one, first most important relationship I have is with my wife, so that my kids can anchor into something. The second most important relationship is, I'm going to clear the deck and begin to show my kids from the ground up, from the roots up, that I value my time and my relationship with them.

• 29:43Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 29:45Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Yep.

• 29:46Dr. John Delony?

  And that's hard, it's frustrating, it's, uh, listen to me, it's boring, it's annoying. It's good gosh, right? But it's also the good stuff of life. And that brings me to the second thing. How old's your daughter?

• 30:03Speaker 02

  Thirteen, just turned.

• 30:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so you know what thirteen year olds do? Act like thirteen year olds.

• 30:09Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 30:09Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, the other part of this is, you have to get to a place where you untether your identity

• 30:18Dr. John Delony?

  from the age appropriate reactions of a young teenager.

• 30:24Dr. John Delony?

  And that might be you going to sit with a therapist and digging up, man, why is this story to, like, resonate in my nervous system that my only utility? I mean, my only value in life is my utility. I can get others to do things that I want them to do.

• 30:41Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:41Dr. John Delony?

  And if they don't, it violates my core sense of who I am, and then my body goes to war. Even if it's a thirteen year old, if it's a ten year old, I don't care, I'm burning down the person in front of me.

• 30:54Dr. John Delony?

  The, the, the pedantic, ah, I hate using big stupid words on the show, like, the, the nerdy way of saying that is emotional maturity. I'm gonna feel a big thing, but I get to choose what happens next.

• 31:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:09Dr. John Delony?

  And that's practice. That's letting your thirteen year old, who also is fighting and scratching and clawing for agency and ownership, what of my life do I own?

• 31:20Dr. John Delony?

  If she understands that she can control the emotional regulation of the adults in her life, she will use that every time. That's, that's what, that's what human beings do.

• 31:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so, letting her know, hey, you hurt my feelings, big time. By saying ugly things, by making accusations, by not telling the truth.

• 31:44Speaker 02

  And I've done that, like, of course, I listen to your show quite a bit, so I try to take a lot of points from it, but, um, like, I have really worked on changing that, you know, like, how I deliver, letting her, like, take the five minutes to regulate, and then come back and, and like, talk about it, and things like that. But it just seems like, we're almost like, hitting a wall now.

• 32:07Dr. John Delony?

  What, what do you need to, what do you need to talk about in the next five minutes?

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Well, like, if, if, let's say she blows up, and she's like, I just need time, or whatever, you know, I let her go decom, like, decompress, right? So, instead of fighting in the heat of the battle, where she's elevated, and I'm probably elevated, you know? Um, just letting her go, and then when she comes back, be like, okay, like, what about that situation could we have done different? And, and how can we, you know, handle that, but?

• 32:37Dr. John Delony?

  So, so what if, what if you took away, in that, in that response there? What if you told her, I need two minutes?

• 32:48Dr. John Delony?

  Every feeling in this house is okay. Every action is not.

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  If this happens again, I'm gonna hear you saying, I don't want to be in this room right now. If you do this again, I'm gonna hear you, through your actions, you don't want to use your phone for the next week. That's a strange choice you're, you're making, but so be it.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:10Dr. John Delony?

  Because what you're asking her to do is to care about this thing as much as you do. And you can't make somebody care about, as a parent, all you can say is, um, here's what I'm going to do next.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:23Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, when you bring her down, say, we need to talk about this, her first thought is, no, we don't.

• 33:29Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:30Dr. John Delony?

  Or if you say, if, when you come back, she comes back after ten minutes, this is my moment to give her a lesson. I'm gonna get in front of my proverbial whiteboard, or my, my chalkboard, and give her a, a teaching segment here?

• 33:45Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:45Dr. John Delony?

  That's when you have to take the thing that you're best at in the world, your professional life, and set it aside, and say, I'm her dad.

• 33:52Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:54Dr. John Delony?

  I'm really, I, I want you a part of this thing. And you know, based on the last six months of us going to breakfast once a week, of me putting a journal on your bed, and you write a part of it, and I'll write back to you, so we're building this relationship from the floor up.

• 34:10Dr. John Delony?

  When I say, hey, you wanna watch this show, and you're like, no, I don't want, I don't immediately take it as, I'm a terrible person, I'm a terrible father, I'm failing my kids, she should do what I say. And you exhale through that, and you feel the sadness of that. I feel sad when my kids don't wanna do stuff with me.

• 34:30Dr. John Delony?

  And also, it's, I get it.

• 34:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:33Dr. John Delony?

  Or also saying, on Tuesday nights and Thursday nights, there is no phones. We all watch a show together. I don't care if you like it or not, that's what we do. And if you choose to not do this, that's fine, you can choose that, but you're also choosing to not have your phone for the next week. It's a choice you get to make.

• 34:49Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:49Dr. John Delony?

  You don't ever let me do anything, whatever. You're right, I'm, I'm gonna, we're all having dinner together. Three nights a week, four nights a week, we're all having dinner together.

• 35:00Dr. John Delony?

  And there's no phones at the table.

• 35:03Dr. John Delony?

  And we are gonna go around and do, uh, B and W's, and N W's, best and worst and weirds.

• 35:09Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Like, you, you get to dictate that. And a lot of that dictation will come from you reimagining your marriage with your wife. And ask yourself, do you spend a lot of time lecturing and teaching her?

• 35:23Speaker 02

  No. I mean, like, I've thought about, like, that as well. Like, honestly, my wife and I communicate very well. Financially, we're, we're good, like, it, it's literally, for whatever reason, it's just been kind of this

• 35:40Dr. John Delony?

  Are you, are you and your wife friends?

• 35:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 35:44Dr. John Delony?

  Do y'all laugh?

• 35:45Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 35:46Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all go hang out?

• 35:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  Like,

• 35:51Dr. John Delony?

  Make that an eight one priority.

• 35:53Speaker 02

  Like, we do everything together, so I think a lot of it is, like, and we, and we do a lot as a family, but the thing that really is resonating is, you know, I, I don't do, I don't set a time, aside time, just to, like, build the relationship with my daughter.

• 36:08Dr. John Delony?

  Or this is, this is the way my wife phrased it to me years ago. What if you worked on being more likeable, John?

• 36:17Dr. John Delony?

  And that, that, that A, hurt me, and B, she was right. Cause every time my son came down, I was, fix your hair, do this, fix your clothes, fix your, fix your jeans, you can't wear shoes like that, to this. Like, I, I, every single interaction was a learning moment.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  Right.

• 36:34Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I had this vision in my-

• 36:35Speaker 02

  That's probably where I'm at.

• 36:36Dr. John Delony?

  So, it, it became, and, and I, I think I've talked about on the show before, like, I took him out and said, I'm not mentioning your clothes anymore. Except for, for going to a wedding, or going to church, or like, you, you do you, boo, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna turn you over to the middle school wolves. And, and, I'm not gonna lose my relationship with you over this stuff. And by the way, I'm your dad, and so I'm always gonna poke at whatever haircut you have. I get that. And my son was actually like, alright, that's fair.

• 37:03Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? Like, so there's some of that is, like, that's just what dads do, they poke at kids' haircuts. Like, let me have that, please. And he's like, alright, I can give you that. But actually, my daughter, she, she's like, no. Like, that sets her on fire emotionally, from the inside out. Cool, I'm not gonna mention your hair. That's me being a grown up. Right? So,

• 37:21Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:21Dr. John Delony?

  So, so, all that to say is, ask yourself, what would make me not a pushover, not have really high standards, not have expectations for the things my kids do, and the way they treat each other?

• 37:35Dr. John Delony?

  But what if I was more likeable on a general basis? What must be true? For me, as an educator, that meant that I couldn't bring my last class, or my last meeting home with me.

• 37:48Dr. John Delony?

  That meant I had to turn my email off when I left, and when I walked in the door, I couldn't have a phone in my hand. I had to be fully ready to rock and roll. Sometimes I sat in the parking lot of the school, or the parking lot of my, of my driveway, for ten or fifteen minutes, just switching from one roll to the next.

• 38:05Dr. John Delony?

  Because my kids weren't in my classroom, and my kids were not in my therapy sessions, my kids were doing their own thing. I was entering into a new arena with a new job.

• 38:16Dr. John Delony?

  So let me, let me say this again. You're a good dad, man, and you're a good man. And I'm proud of you for taking this seriously. Back all the way out and say, am I likable? Do I show my kids offline? Do I show my kids in the totality of our life together? Not that we do everything as a family, but I value you. And do I give them anchor points of directed time, of directed energy? It could be a walk, it could be a breakfast, it could be a close the door and it's just a special time once a week for whatever. Is there that opportunity? Where your kids can then later on, when you say, hey, I need you to pick up the clothes, they may roll their eyes, but they know he's not asking this because he's mean.

• 39:00Dr. John Delony?

  He's asking this because I know that guy's got my best interest at heart. And that just takes time to turn that. It's, she's 13, it's not too late. It's not even close to too late. Thank you for the call, my brother. When we come back, a man asks how to support his parents without resenting them for enabling his brother's behavior. You ever notice how you ask basically anyone, hey, how you doing? And their answer is, I'm busy, or I'm exhausted, or I haven't slept in weeks. It's so bananas that our culture has made being exhausted something to be proud of. People brag about how busy they are, or they complain about how exhausted they are and how little sleep they get. Listen, being exhausted is not a flex.

• 39:43Dr. John Delony?

  Being exhausted shouldn't be a way of life. You know what should be a way of life? Getting good sleep. And good sleep starts with an amazing mattress. And that's why I love mattresses from Helix Sleep. Helix is not just a show sponsor for me. I sleep on a Helix mattress. My kids sleep on a Helix mattress. Even my extended family members and friends, they all are starting to sleep on Helix mattresses because I won't shut up about them, even when the cameras and the lights are off. I talk about them in my private life. Helix builds mattresses just for you and how you sleep. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. It takes like two minutes and they're going to match you with just the right mattress from more than 20 different models, designed for different people and how different people sleep.

• 40:28Dr. John Delony?

  And if you're a hot sleeper during these crazy hot summer months, they've got cooling upgrades too. Their best savings of the season are happening right now. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney and save up to 30% off all mattresses with their Helix Labor Day offer. That's 30% exclusively at helixsleep.com/deloney. H E L I X S L E E P. helixsleep.com/deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, let's talk to Hunter. Hey Hunter, what's up, brother?

• 41:03Speaker 03

  Hey, Dr. John, I'm doing wonderful today. How are you doing?

• 41:06Dr. John Delony?

  Same, same. What's going on, dude?

• 41:09Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, so a little bit of, little bit of context for you. I'm just wondering, how can I support and build a relationship with my parents rather than just resenting them for the actions they're taking?

• 41:22Dr. John Delony?

  You've given yourself an impossible math problem to solve.

• 41:27Speaker 03

  Right?

• 41:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. The question, as you asked it, is avoidant in its nature. What are, what are your parents doing that's making you resent them?

• 41:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, so essentially, uh, we grew up as, as overseas missionaries, moved around a lot. And, uh, I'm four years out of high school now. The first three years, uh, out of high school, they lived in Europe. I actually dropped them off at the airport, uh, right after I graduated high school. And so this past year's kind of been the first year that we've been able to sort of build our adult-to-adult, uh, relationships rather than an adult-to-a-child relationship. And so I'm still finishing up my college degree and they invited me to, to live with them this summer and wanting to build that relationship, I said yes. Uh, it turns out, right before both my younger sister and I, our college semester's finished

• 42:19Speaker 03

  up, my older brother kind of just threw his life away and moved in with them. And, uh, so this has been kind of a crazy situation. Essentially, they, he just kind of plays video games all day, eats all day, refuses to get a job. If he's asked to help around the house, he just says no. And on top of all of that, uh, my sister, my younger sister and I, who both have jobs, by the way, are basically living in a chlorified closet right outside the kitchen. There's no windows, no air, not even a door. And, uh, my parents let him stay in the, the one actual room they have. And it's just kind of a crazy situation to me. I, I tried to talk to them about it. I even just tried to talk to my dad about it recently.

• 43:03Speaker 03

  And, uh, just to get some more information for this call for you, Dr. John. And it turns out they're actually seriously considering moving overseas again. And I'm just wondering how, in light of all that's going on this summer with my brother, and then then maybe moving back overseas again, how do I build a relationship with them? Or can I even begin to try to build a relationship with them, um, in our kind of new adult-to-adult lives?

• 43:29Dr. John Delony?

  Well, the first thing you gotta do is move out ASAP.

• 43:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's exactly what I'm working on every day.

• 43:36Dr. John Delony?

  But, but don't work on it, just do it.

• 43:38Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:38Dr. John Delony?

  You have friends that you can move in with. And your sister's in college. Someone, I, I spent a summer on a couch. I spent several weeks on a couch in a different state. I, I lived in one of the greatest acts of kindness anyone's ever given to me. Um, my friend Buddy, uh, I moved into his kitchen. We moved his kitchen table out and I put a mattress in his kitchen. That's where I slept in a one-bedroom apartment. For a semester, he let me live there. It was one of the, it's one of the greatest acts of kindness anyone's ever given me. But I'm telling you right now, like, you can figure it out. I had nowhere to go and I didn't have any, I had zero dollars. And so like, I, I had to reach out to a friend and man, he showed up for me.

• 44:20Dr. John Delony?

  And all I have to say is like, you have to decide, what kind of life do I want to live? But you choosing to go back into this closet that you're sharing with your sister and there's no air, there's no windows, whatever, that's a choice you're making. That's number one. Okay, so what I'm trying to do is prompt you, spur you to ownership of your situation.

• 44:43Speaker 03

  Absolutely. I, I couldn't, couldn't agree with you more on the, on the ownership part.

• 44:47Dr. John Delony?

  So the second part of this is, um, behavior's a language. What your parents are telling you is, we don't value a relationship as adults with you? Or we don't value a relationship as adults with you in the same way you value relationship as an adult with us? And so what you, the, the step you're skipping is grief, sadness, heartbreak. Because while they're, they were gone, you dropped them off and were all alone in a country by yourself at 18 years old. The fantasy you've had over three years is when they get back, then dot, dot, dot. And there's been a lot of compression built behind that story.

• 45:32Dr. John Delony?

  And then when you got there, they chose your loser 25-year-old brother instead. They chose his comfort, they chose his dysfunction, they chose, they chose, they chose. And here you are, the older prodigal son, standing out saying, what about me?

• 45:50Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 45:52Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, but I was gonna say, I've thought about the, the story of the prodigal son kind of in this context as well. It's funny you mention it. But like, the thing is, I like, I like want what's best for my brother. I'm not like mad that he's here, it's just how they're, how they're managing him, how he's choosing.

• 46:10Dr. John Delony?

  How old is he?

• 46:12Speaker 03

  Uh, 25.

• 46:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. You can want for him all day long. You can weep for him, you can pray for him. You can't care for him more than he cares for himself. And you can't make your parents care for him in the ways that you think they should care for.

• 46:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so again, that's grief. That's this recognition of powerlessness. Grief is the gap between what I want to be true and what actually is true. And I'm gonna sit in that gap. It's heartbreaking. But you have this idea of how they should be parenting him and they're thinking, we're his freaking parents, we don't need your input. Or we don't want your input, or he's such a sense, a source of shame for us that we're actually gonna pack up and move back across the world to avoid this confrontation. Either way, you don't get a vote in that. And that's a powerless, heartbreaking feeling. What you can do is, is decide, I'm not gonna let him move in with me in my dorm room or

• 47:12Dr. John Delony?

  in my apartment. And that will be a heartbreaking thing because you don't want to leave your brother out on the street.

• 47:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, I just, I wonder, um, like, obviously, in the, in the context of where I'm at right now, living situation and all that, it's, it's kind of hard to maintain a good relationship. But even after I do move out, how, like, how do I?

• 47:42Dr. John Delony?

  They don't, Hunter, they don't want one with you.

• 47:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, is that?

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  They don't want one with you on the terms that you wanted.

• 47:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, on the terms you want, that's a, I think that's a very poignant phrase there, yeah.

• 48:01Dr. John Delony?

  And so you have to metabolize that. And I get no joy in saying that, like, I'm saying it direct.

• 48:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:09Dr. John Delony?

  But it, it, it's heartbreaking.

• 48:13Dr. John Delony?

  Especially given how big you built up this reunion. And you should have built up this reunion big, and it should have been a big reunion. And it wasn't.

• 48:26Dr. John Delony?

  They came home and they opened their pocketbook and their home and their heart to your older brother, who doesn't have a job, who's disrespectful, who doesn't honor his parents, who plays video games all day.

• 48:40Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 48:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:41Dr. John Delony?

  It should be different, and it's not.

• 48:42Speaker 03

  Exactly right.

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  And so all this energy you're putting into, well, what about this? Because what you're, at your core, what you're asking is, what's so unlovable about me? And how do I fix it?

• 48:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:54Dr. John Delony?

  And I want to tell you, there's nothing unlovable about, I mean, I'm sure there's unlovable things about you. I've got plenty of unlovable things.

• 49:01Dr. John Delony?

  But you're a good man, trying to make his way with parents who moved across the world and said, good luck to you.

• 49:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:09Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And however noble or whatever they were doing overseas, great, good, and whatever, but you were living your life in your skin. And they left.

• 49:24Dr. John Delony?

  And they're about to leave again.

• 49:25Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. The, what, what confuses me most, um, kind of about this situation is we, we've talked at, kind of ad nauseam. Every time we'd kind of call, or the, like, the two times that I went over there, we'd talk about, um, when they eventually do come back, they're, they're going to stay back. And they don't want to be like their own sets of parents who kind of moved far away, and they kind of had no relationship with, and never, um, like, they were never prioritized by their own parents. And so we kind of like, real candid, I thought, uh, discussions about, hey, once, once we grow up and become adults, our adult, adult relationships, we're going to prioritize each other.

• 50:06Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, but brother, listen.

• 50:09Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:10Dr. John Delony?

  They didn't uphold their end of the bargain.

• 50:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:14Dr. John Delony?

  The discomfort of building real relationships with adults over time was too much, and they said, we're out.

• 50:22Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're right to be upset that they didn't tell you the truth. They're right to be upset they didn't keep their word. You're right to look at them and say, there's work here to be done relationally, and y'all refusing to do it. All of those things appear to be true.

• 50:36Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:37Dr. John Delony?

  And you can't do anything about it on your end, other than to continue to show up and be a person who respects and honors his parents, which means I'm not going to talk trash about the choices y'all make. I will do what's best for me next, because that's, I'm on my own. That's what I have to do. And if you want to include your sister in that, you want to include your brother in that, you get to do that.

• 51:02Dr. John Delony?

  But the, the, the constant, like, train loop you're on of, yeah, but we had this conversation. And yeah, you said it was going to be different.

• 51:13Dr. John Delony?

  It's not. They chose for it not to be.

• 51:17Dr. John Delony?

  So you choosing to go back into that, the vortex and reengage in those imaginary conversations. But yeah, one time, but yeah, you said, and you promised, is that choice to not deal with in the grief that is right in front of you, which is, they didn't, they didn't, they're not who they said they were. They're not going to be who they said they were going to be.

• 51:42Dr. John Delony?

  That hurts.

• 51:46Dr. John Delony?

  And you can't solve that hurt today, but what you can do is find a place to live, where you have dignity and respect, where you have air and sunlight.

• 51:56Dr. John Delony?

  You can choose to, I will write you a letter once a week. I'll write you a letter, an email, once a month. I will check in and let you know how I'm doing, because I want to be that person. I want to show up in this relationship as the man I want to be, knowing I cannot control what y'all choose to do, even if that's run away to the other side of the world.

• 52:15Dr. John Delony?

  Sorry, brother.

• 52:18Dr. John Delony?

  I hate to be the bearer of bad news in this one, but I think all of your ruminating is distracting you from the reality that's before you, which is, it's not going to be how they said it was. And it's not going to be how you want it to be. So the question you have to answer is, what am I going to do next? Thanks for the call, brother. I'm heartbroken with you, my man. We'll be right back.

• 52:42Dr. John Delony?

  What's up? Dr. John Deloney here. When was the last time you and your spouse got away, just the two of you? No kids, no work, no distractions, just time to reconnect? Most couples can't remember. That's why Rachel Cruz and I created the Money in Marriage Getaway. It's three days in Nashville to laugh together, learn, and grow with your spouse. We have a weekend on sale right now, October 22nd through 24th, 2026. Get your tickets at ramsysolutions.com/events, or by clicking the link in the show notes. All right, we're back. Hey, real quick, go download the Together app. Go to the Apple Store and download it. Uh, Android folks, we're still working on it, relax, we're coming for you.

• 53:26Dr. John Delony?

  But if you've got a, um, Apple device, go download the Together app. It will transform your relationships in a powerful, powerful way. All right, Kelly, uh, we have something cool that happened. What is it?

• 53:37Speaker 04

  Yes, I have this email here from Jamie in Ohio, and she writes, "This isn't a question, but I wanted to say thank you. Things were rough at the beginning of the year with visits to hospitals for potential self-harm for my daughter, which led to a real eye-opener moment. Your words of wisdom help us get to where we are now. Fast forward six months, and it is now an every-night event of telling each other, we love you and good night. We've never been a family that said or expressed emotions. So now it being an every-night thing, and her being 15 in less than a month, is a wonderful thing. All, she's also in therapy, which has helped. Your episodes of parents with kids that are struggling with the same things that I noticed with my daughter have been true and much, and very helpful. She needed me, and I didn't know how to say it.

• 54:21Speaker 04

  I've never been someone that needed touch, touch or affection type of connection, but she's the complete opposite. So finding that out..."

• 54:31Speaker 04

  Sorry, the wording is a little wonky here. Um, so finding that out gave me a way to connect with her, and boy, did that change things. Sorry for the rambling, but I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

• 54:41Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Thank you for making the changes that your kids need from you. It's amazing. Parents, you can never go wrong saying the words, "I love you." You can never go wrong telling your kids, looking them in the eye and saying, "I'm really proud of you. I'm glad I get to be your parent." Can't go wrong there. There's, there's zero downside, it's all upside. Right? And that last thing she said is really important, and then we'll, we'll wrap the show up. The way we like to be loved is often different than how our kids receive our affection. And it's our job as parents to lean into their worlds. And so if we're not touchy-feely people, but our kids become regulated, feel loved when we're holding them,

• 55:24Dr. John Delony?

  when we're holding their hand, when we're giving them hugs, it's our job as parents to lean into their world. Love you guys, bye.