This Shocking Truth About Other People Will Change Your Life

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — What if the world became a better place by becoming better, more authentic versions of ourselves? Despite what the headlines and social media might suggest, we’re not as divided as we think. Most people want the same core things: to be a good person, to live with integrity and authenticity, and to make a positive impact. But we’re caught in a collective illusion - where the loudest voices dominate 80% of the headlines, social media, and public conversation. If there’s one episode to share with someone who’s feeling discouraged about the state of the world, it’s this one. In this powerful conversation, Mel sits down with Dr. Todd Rose, co-founder and CEO of the think tank Populace, which is on a mission to use data to ensure that all people have the opportunity to pursue fulfilling lives. He was also a professor at Harvard University’s Graduate School of Education, where he earned his PhD and founded the Laboratory for the Science of Individuality. Dr. Rose has analyzed the largest dataset ever collected on what people actually want in life based not on what they share publicly, but what they admit privately, when they’re telling the truth. The data is clear: we are more alike than we are different. And the small, authentic choices we make every day can have a ripple effect that changes culture at scale. He also shares a remarkable moment in history that proves real change doesn’t start with the majority - it starts with a few people who dare to live honestly. In this episode, you’ll learn: - Why the world feels more polarized than it really is - What people actually want in life, according to the data - How the media and social platforms distort what most people believe - Why authenticity makes you happier, stronger, and more impactful - How your personal choices create ripple effects with global impact - Practical steps to live more truthfully and reclaim your voice This conversation will change how you see the world — and your place in it. If there’s one episode to listen to and share, it’s this one. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-329/ Get tickets to Mel's live tour, Let Them Tour 2026: https://www.melrobbins.com/the-let-them-tour/ Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 00:00 Meet The Guest 02:24 The Hidden Pressures to Be Someone You’re Not 11:54 The Lies We All Quietly Believe 29:37 What We Get Wrong About Success 36:25 How to Live a More Authentic Life 50:55 The Difference Between Fitting in and Belonging 01:04:07 The Quiet Cost of Conformity 01:15:06 The First Step to Rebuilding Trust — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:09Mel Robbins?

  You know, lately, I'm just gonna admit it, I've been feeling more discouraged than normal. Maybe you have too. It's just that there's just so much polarization, so much negativity, whether you're looking at the headlines or online, it's so easy to get to a point where you're just exhausted. Haven't you wondered, how did we get here? Why is everybody so far apart? But despite all this noise, here is what I choose to believe. I believe that we want the same things for ourselves and our families. I believe that we define success in largely the same way. I mean, you want to be a good person, you want to feel like your authentic self, you

• 0:53Mel Robbins?

  want to do something with your life that makes a difference in the world, you want good relationships with your family and your friends. And yet somehow, this truth that unites us, it has been hijacked by headlines, politics, the lies on social media, the busyness and pressure of trying to fit in, that it's easy to forget who you are and what truly matters to you. In fact, I think that's why you listen to this podcast, because every time you listen, you are reminded that you are capable of so much more, that you deserve more, you're reminded of what matters to you authentically. And that's why I cannot wait for our conversation today. Because here in our Boston studios, we have an expert researcher with a PhD from Harvard,

• 1:36Mel Robbins?

  who's been crunching the single biggest data set on what people truly want in life, how they define success, what matters to them. These are the kinds of things that people admit when they're telling the truth in private, not the garbage they post about online. Dr. Todd Rose is here to tell you and me, there is a gigantic lie that you have been told about other people and the world at large, and he is here to teach you the truth. The truth is, you have the power to change your life. You can make a difference in the world, because your brain rewards authenticity. Authenticity, you being you. That is the secret to a better life and a better world.

• 2:17Mel Robbins?

  You and I are going to learn from the scientist and researcher who has crunched all the data on how to live a more authentic life. And today, that's what we're talking about. How you find the courage to be yourself, the confidence to trust your own voice, and our collective power to make the world a better place by being a better version of ourselves.

• 2:52Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm so fired up that you're here. I am so excited for today's conversation. It is always an honor to be together. It is always an honor to spend time with you, but today it is particularly important. And if you're a new listener, or you're here because someone shared this conversation with you, I just wanted to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Today's conversation about authenticity and the lies that you've been told is going to be life-changing. Dr. Todd Rose is here to teach you how to reconnect with your true self so you can live the life you deserve. He is the co-founder and CEO of the think tank Populace, which has a mission to use

• 3:36Mel Robbins?

  data to ensure that all people have the opportunity to pursue fulfilling lives. He was also a professor at Harvard University's Graduate School of Education. Harvard is also where he earned his PhD in developmental science. While he was at Harvard, Dr. Rose led both the Mind, Brain, and Education Program and also founded their Laboratory for the Science of Individuality. He's written a number of bestselling books, including his most recent, Collective Illusions, which reveals the biggest lies that you and I have been told about ourselves and what other people believe. So please help me welcome Dr. Todd Rose to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 4:12Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me.

• 4:13Mel Robbins?

  I am so excited to talk to you.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 4:15Mel Robbins?

  I'm really excited for so many reasons, and here's where I want to start. How is my life going to be different?

• 4:21Speaker 01

  If you understand and internalize the ideas we're going to talk about today, you're going to be more confident, you're going to live more authentically, which is going to lead to greater life satisfaction, happiness, but more importantly, your relationships are going to be better and you're going to be, have a deeper sense of belonging to the groups that matter most to you.

• 4:39Mel Robbins?

  That's a big promise. I'm really excited for that. I actually believe you. No, I do believe you. I believe you, and what I'm excited about is I, I have this sense that we are living in a world where we all feel so divided from one another. And yet, I hold firmly to this belief that the vast majority of us are way more similar and believe way more of the same things and want a lot of the same things than we actually are led to believe in the world right now.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  And you're 100% correct. You know, what we do at my think tank, Populous, we do what's called private opinion research.

• 5:13Mel Robbins?

  What is private opinion research?

• 5:15Speaker 01

  So polling, it's all public.

• 5:17Mel Robbins?

  Oh.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  And it has all the social pressure.

• 5:19Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  You know, there's a right answer. And so it turns out, everybody's misrepresenting their views right now.

• 5:24Mel Robbins?

  You feel like there's this big cost if you just don't go with the flow, or you just don't agree, or you just don't do what you think everybody else wants you to do, whether it's your family, or at work, or with your friend group. And so you write a lot in your bestselling book, Collective Illusions, about the fact that we are fundamentally wired to conform. What does that mean, Todd?

• 5:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is really important to bring up, because when we talk about conformity, it kind of has like a negative connotation, right?

• 5:53Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  Like, nobody wants to admit they conform to something.

• 5:56Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  But here's what's important.

• 5:57Mel Robbins?

  Uh huh.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  We are hardwired to belong to groups.

• 6:00Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  Evolutionarily, this is how we survive. And that belonging can lead to conformity when we feel like we have to distort who we are to get that belonging. And if you don't mind, let me give you an example.

• 6:11Mel Robbins?

  Please.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  I'm going to tell you about what I think is my favorite study ever, because I can't believe he got funded to do it.

• 6:16Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  A colleague of mine in the Netherlands, back in 2009, was a little skeptical about this conformity, like how deep it really went. And so he said, what's the most subjective thing I could possibly imagine and see if conformity exists there? So he decided it was who you think is good looking. Because, look, beauty's in the eye of the holder, right?

• 6:35Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 6:35Speaker 01

  So, and there's no social pressure to be like, you should think they're attractive because I do.

• 6:38Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  So he does this clever study. He puts people in fMRI scanners, and he does a version of hot or not.

• 6:46Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 6:46Speaker 01

  Really. Like, this is why I can't believe he got funded. He gets people, he shows them a couple hundred faces, and he asks them to rate them on their attractiveness from one to five. One, no, thank you. Five being yes, please. Right? Which, by the way, you do that kind of stuff on the street, you're a creep.

• 7:02Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  You do it in a scanner, you're a scientist. But, you know, here's what's wild. So you're in that scanner, and you see a face, and you say, well, I think that's a five, pretty attractive. What happens next is instantly you are shown another number, which is supposed to represent the average score of everyone who's done this task before you.

• 7:20Mel Robbins?

  Okay, so if I just ranked somebody a five, and then all of a sudden I'm shown, well, everybody else said they were three.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly, right? And then we're going to watch what happens in your brain. And here's the thing, that group number was completely made up. There was no other group.

• 7:35Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  It's just you. And it was engineered so that half the time, you're told that you and your group are lockstep. You said, you said five, the group said five.

• 7:46Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 7:46Speaker 01

  Right? And on some of the trials, it makes it wildly different. You said five, the group said one. Oh, here's what's crazy. On the trials where you and your group are aligned, it triggers what we call a reward signal in your brain. It's the same areas that hard drugs activate. And it's meant to tell you, whatever you're doing, keep doing it. This is amazing, right? On the trials where you were like five and they said one, it triggers what's called an error signal in your brain. It's this cascading electrical signal that disrupts memory, attention, everything. It's meant to get you to stop because something you're doing is wrong and you might be in danger. So this is what happens in your brain, but that's not even the most interesting thing.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  The clever part was then, at the end of the study, you're in the task. They come and say, oh, I'm so sorry. For some reason, the equipment didn't record your responses.

• 8:39Mel Robbins?

  Uh huh.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  Would you mind just quickly doing the task again? And we're not going to record your brain, just quickly do the task again. They randomized the couple hundred pictures. They get you to rate them again. Lo and behold, most people moved their scores to align with the group and they didn't even know they did it.

• 8:56Mel Robbins?

  Wow.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  You interview them after, they're like, no, that didn't affect me at all. So when I say it's hardwired, that's what I mean. Even as something as subjective as attractiveness, we just want to be with our groups. And there's a lot that we'll do to maintain that group alignment.

• 9:10Mel Robbins?

  I think it's fascinating that there is an error signal in your brain. That when you recognize that you're not conforming with group think, or group look, or group opinion, that automatically signals that you're on the outside and you need to stop. And I want to give you another example to see if I'm tracking with this. Because this just happened to me the other night. Like a lot of people, I am starting to really care more about my health. And one of the things I am cutting way back on is alcohol. And so I have this rule with myself that I'm just not going to drink during the week.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:44Mel Robbins?

  Now, fast forward to last night. I'm out at a restaurant after work. And one of my colleagues turns to me and says, I think I might have a glass of wine. You want to have a glass of wine? Okay. Can you explain, using the research, what just happened? Because here's the thing, I know I was going to go in there and order a Diet Coke, or a Club Soda, or whatever. The second somebody asks me, hey, you want to have something? I, it's like I make a decision, reflexive.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  Didn't even contemplate it, you just went with it.

• 10:17Mel Robbins?

  Well, you know, Todd, you wrote the book on this. So I think that's an example of why this is a really important thing to understand that is happening in your physiology, and your neurology and biology. So what's happening?

• 10:29Speaker 01

  It's coming back to that, that need to belong. That we just talked about, and the possibility of conformity there. Because the norm in our society is when you go out socially, you drink. And people that don't drink aren't fun. That's the stereotype. At the same time, you don't want to go against the grain.

• 10:44Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  Right?

• 10:44Mel Robbins?

  And but do you know what's interesting? If I had said to my colleague, you know, I'm just not drinking during the week right now. I don't think I'm having, you know what they probably would have said? I don't think I would have anything either.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  And that's the thing is, because you don't have the, the simple tips and tricks that you can use to not put yourself in that, well, I don't want to come off as something I don't think I am. I think I'm fun. I think I'm social. I like to hang out with people. So something like, you know what? I decided to take a month off. Or you know what? I decided I'm not drinking on the on weekdays because then it doesn't say I'm not someone who drinks.

• 11:15Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  It's just I've made that choice and you'd be shocked how many people like the person said, hey, I'm having a drink. We were at a table, a bunch of people and they were like, okay, fine. And then everyone sees two people do it and you're like, okay, there's a lot of pressure building as they come to you.

• 11:31Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  And what will you have, sir? Like, I'll have what they're having, you know?

• 11:35Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Is just the ability to say something like, you know what? I've decided to take a month off or whatever, and no one's gonna say something's wrong with you.

• 11:44Mel Robbins?

  No.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  But what you'll do is you'll give them permission to do the same thing. And try it out. It's it's amazing. And once you realize how many people end up copying you, you'll see just how profoundly we're affected by what we believe other people believe and expect of us.

• 11:59Mel Robbins?

  Hmm. What is happening in that moment? Where you say, okay, I'll have what they're having.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 12:05Mel Robbins?

  Like, what's happening in your brain?

• 12:06Speaker 01

  So remember, we talked about that reward response?

• 12:09Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  So your brain has what's called an anticipated reward response. We know that when we're aligned with our group, it feels really good and we want that. It's like, it's not quite like drug addiction, but it's in that ballpark.

• 12:20Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 12:21Speaker 01

  Where, once you're addicted to that drug, you're chasing the drug. Everything is about, I want that feeling again.

• 12:26Mel Robbins?

  Of belonging. And we're talking about a deeper sense that's wired in you.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  It's so deep and it's really important. And again, I want to say, there's nothing wrong with wanting to belong.

• 12:36Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  You should want to belong. And you just have to understand when that need to belong tips into being controlled or manipulated, or bottom line, just leads you to do things that go against your own judgment. That's when you start making really bad decisions.

• 12:52Mel Robbins?

  I'm really excited because I feel like this is one of those hidden levers that we don't realize is just operating in the background. And when you understand.

• 13:03Mel Robbins?

  What you're dealing with, you have so much more power of it.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  That's right. By the way, Mel, after I was booked during the show, I actually dug in and read your book, Let Them. And I got to tell you, there are so many parallels. When we get into all the tools later on, we'll be able to dig into it a little bit more because there's just so much overlap. I'm excited to dig in.

• 13:21Mel Robbins?

  That's a huge compliment. We'll get into the tools later, but there's so much more about your research that I want to make sure that we fully get to and understand. One of the terms I'd love to have you talk a little bit about is this term collective illusions. It's the title of your bestselling book. Can you define in very plain terms?

• 13:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:39Mel Robbins?

  What is a collective illusion?

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Collective illusion is group think, but you're wrong about the group. So let me unpack that just a little bit. It formally is a phenomenon where most people in a group go along with something they don't privately agree with, simply because they incorrectly think that most other people agree with it.

• 13:59Mel Robbins?

  Okay, give me an example.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  So one of the most sticky collective illusions of all that's been around for multiple decades that we've tracked is this binge drinking in college.

• 14:08Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  So kids leave home, they go to a new place, they're like, what does it mean to be a college student here?

• 14:14Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  And they all think that most kids binge drink. And so they go to a party and they end up binge drinking when in reality, in private, we know as a matter of fact, most college kids are deeply skeptical about binge drinking. They know it's bad, but it's what they feel like they need to do to belong, to be a part, to be a college student.

• 14:33Mel Robbins?

  Wow.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  And it turns out, was what we can talk about later, no amount of trying to tell them how bad drinking is, works. In fact, it propagates the illusion.

• 14:43Mel Robbins?

  Oh, that it's a problem and that everybody's doing it?

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Yeah. Why would all the administration put all these posters up telling us about the dangers of binge drinking if people weren't binge drinking? And so it ends up fueling the illusion. And so what, you know, what you need is to have social proof where you have popular kids, other people just being like, I don't binge drink, why would I binge drink? You can't lecture or try to persuade. You have to just reveal. But this happens all the time. What's crazy is the phenomenon of collective illusions we've known about for about 100 years in research. It goes back further, obviously, because the emperor's new clothes.

• 15:18Mel Robbins?

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:18Speaker 01

  Is about collective illusions.

• 15:20Mel Robbins?

  Unpack that for the person that doesn't know what the emperor's new clothes is.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  It's the story of the parable of like, the emperor gets convinced by some huckster that they can spin the most beautiful clothing ever made. And it's so fine that it's invisible to everyone, except for people who are worthy of their station in life. And the emperor's like, obviously, I'm worthy of it. So they make up this, they fake like they're putting it on him. And he's like, well, obviously I can see it because if I say I can't see it, then I must not be worthy of being in charge of everything.

• 15:51Mel Robbins?

  Yes, yes.

• 15:52Speaker 01

  And then everybody around him wants power and wants to be close to it. So they don't want to say, you're buck naked, right? And then the king's prancing around, going outside.

• 16:02Mel Robbins?

  Naked.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  All the crowds line up, they're cheering because no one wants to say it. And then one little kid is like, why are you naked? The innocence of the child to be just asked the obvious question.

• 16:13Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  And then the illusion shatters. So we, obviously, this has been a problem in humanity for a very long time. What's interesting is up until just recently, the number of illusions, collective illusions, that have harmed us as a society were pretty small.

• 16:29Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  But you put it into the social media age.

• 16:32Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 16:32Speaker 01

  And it's just exploded to the point where now, name anything that matters in life. It's a coin toss whether or not you're just wrong about what your community believes now.

• 16:42Mel Robbins?

  Well, I also think like the experience we all have when you go online. And it looks like every single person, I mean, I'm a 57 year old woman. So it's largely menopause and interior design and health products. Like every single person is taking the exact same brand of supplement. Every single person is wearing this exact makeup line.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:01Mel Robbins?

  Every single person is buying this particular couch. And I feel like, oh, my God, I'm missing out. Like, everybody has that thing.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 17:08Mel Robbins?

  And it does feel like it's gotten worse. And then my daughter was talking today, like, well, I'm getting targeted for a cellulite foam roller that I'm about to buy because it looks like everybody that, you know, I follow online is using it. And so what are some of the collective illusions that you can point to in day to day life? That, that we may not be aware that that's what that is?

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Well, let's hit on those, but. When we think about how is it that we could end up being so wrong about the groups that matter so much to us, like it's kind of weird that that would be true, right?

• 17:39Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  Let me show you like two things. One, how they happen in day to day life.

• 17:43Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Without anybody trying to manipulate you. And then let's talk about what social media does at the societal level.

• 17:49Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 17:49Speaker 01

  And I think people will have some similar experience because I can remember the first time that I actually experienced a collective illusion. So, growing up, I was kind of a problematic child, which I'm sure we can talk about. And didn't really fit in, except for my grandmother, who was like my second mom. Whenever I was with her, I could just be myself and I was good enough. And she decided, I mean, they were very, very poor. She had me come and sleep over as a kid, once a month, just me. Literally no other grandkids got this. And when, when I was there, she'd make a bologna sandwich in her little house, little tiny kitchenette, would play Yahtzee together and we'd just talk. And I could share anything with her, stuff I couldn't tell my parents, whatever.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  It was like literally amazing. It was this oasis for me in a really tough environment. We'd been sleeping over, sleeping over, sleeping over. Then one time, she says, hey, good news, I'm taking you to Sizzler, my grandpa and I, the steakhouse, this all you can eat steakhouse. And I was like, I don't, I was like, I don't really want to go to, it's noisy there. Like, I just want to be here. But I knew it meant a lot to them.

• 18:58Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 18:59Speaker 01

  So I went with it. And that's what we started doing. Instead of just playing Yahtzee, we'd go to Sizzler. And that went on for six years. Okay. So in 2015, we found out she was dying and I went back to Utah where I was born to say goodbye to her. And I was preparing, I was like, my last conversation I'm ever going to have with this woman that meant the world to me. And I'm holding her hand and I'm, we're talking about a lot of things. I thought, you know, I want to just let her know how transformative those sleepovers were to me. And I said, you know, grandma, I just want to tell you, all those times sleeping over, she's like, barely can get a word out. And she says, she touches my arm, she says, I know, I know what mattered most to you. It was going to Sizzler.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  And I was like, wait, what? Like, and I didn't have the heart to be like, I didn't like that at all, right? But, but she said, I just to be honest, your grandpa and I didn't really like going to Sizzler, but we knew it meant a lot to you. So I'm sitting there thinking, wait, we all ended up going to Sizzler once a month for six years because we all thought we all wanted to go to Sizzler when nobody actually did. Again, I'd have the heart to tell her on her deathbed, she could have me for a bologna sandwich. But that kind of like, nobody was manipulating anyone. We care about each other. We want each other to be happy and we can misread each other. And then, just like the, the drink example, yeah, nobody wants to question it. And we just keep doing it.

• 20:24Mel Robbins?

  You're making my wheels spin now, where I'm sitting here thinking, what are we all continuing to do as a family?

• 20:32Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 20:33Mel Robbins?

  That we all think we're supposed to be doing. Like, it could even be something as simple as, we've always had the same meal for a certain holiday. Nobody actually likes it. Why are we not just doing something different and talking about it?

• 20:48Speaker 01

  I promise you, if do me one favor is just go to your family or your significant other and think about the things you do on a routine basis.

• 20:58Mel Robbins?

  Okay. So give us some examples.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  I have friends that have, every Friday, we have salmon night.

• 21:04Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 21:04Speaker 01

  And we watch a movie. Maybe everybody wants to do that. It could be true. It's these basic day to day things. And just, just say, honestly, do we still like doing this? You know what I mean? And just ask, you will be shocked at how many of these someone's go, well, actually, if you give me the permission to be honest, like, actually, maybe we could shake that up a bit. So if illusions can happen amongst tightly knit relationships, it's not surprising that they can happen in a country of 300 million people at a societal level. Think about, you have all these identities and you're tied to these groups that matter to you, but they consist of people you're probably never gonna meet.

• 21:44Mel Robbins?

  No.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  And you have to guess, what does that group believe? You know what I mean? So I can know what it is I'm trying to align to.

• 21:51Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  And here's the thing about your brain that is just crazy, is how your brain estimates what your group believes. Cause you'd imagine, given how important it is with conformity and belonging.

• 22:02Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  You'd have some sophisticated way that your brain calculates like, on average, this is what my group believes. No, there's a shortcut your brain takes. No kidding. Your brain assumes the loudest voices, repeated the most, are the majority.

• 22:17Mel Robbins?

  The loudest voices, repeated the most, are the majority.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  Even when you know it's not true. Even intellectually, you know, oh, this is just Mel telling me this over and over again. That's, your brain is keeping score this way. So it must have worked. You've evolved to have this shortcut. But you put that into a social media age.

• 22:38Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  Okay. So here's a stat that blows my mind.

• 22:40Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  If you take what was Twitter, which is now X, research has shown that 80% of all the content on that platform is generated by only 10% of the users.

• 22:52Mel Robbins?

  80% of the content you're reading on X is generated by 10%?

• 22:57Speaker 01

  And here's the trick. Pew Research has found that that 10% isn't remotely representative of the general public. They are extreme on almost every social issue. But you can see the problem here.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  Let's say 10% of people hold some view, but you think it's 80%.

• 23:16Mel Robbins?

  I think that's what's happened.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  Uh huh. That error signal kicks in. Unless you're willing to override that and go against what you think your group believes, what do you do? You end up self-silencing. You say nothing. Or worse, you start saying what you think people wanna hear so you can be part of the group. And when enough people self-silence, the only people left are the people on the fringes.

• 23:41Mel Robbins?

  The 10% that are the loudest, repeating everything that we then say, oh,

• 23:46Speaker 01

  this is what we believe.

• 23:47Mel Robbins?

  Well, everybody that's part of that party must believe that.

• 23:49Speaker 01

  Clearly.

• 23:49Mel Robbins?

  Everybody that follows that person must believe that.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 23:53Mel Robbins?

  And what you're basically saying is, the research is very conclusive. That's absolutely not true.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  Not true.

• 23:58Mel Robbins?

  The loudest voices don't represent the majority.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  They don't. In fact, they almost never do. Well, they wouldn't have to be so loud, right? If you knew everybody agreed with you, you don't have to say much. So, but you can see how this is where then you get these societal level collective illusions, because we're self-silencing. And our data on this is, we have more private opinion data on the American public than any organization, I'm quite certain of. Almost two-thirds of people are admitting that they are self-silencing right now. That means withholding things that matter to them, because they think other people disagree. Like, this is a very dangerous place to be, when we can't even be honest with each other. And so, the problem with that is, as these illusions form, okay? So now I'm thinking, wow, most people, like, what happened?

• 24:45Speaker 01

  What happened to society? Like, am I crazy, or did everybody else seem to go crazy? And it's like, you start feeling alienated from your group, isolated, a little bit resentful, that you're having to self-silence. And we see this in the data. You start losing trust in other people. And life gets much worse for you, but it also gets much worse for the rest of us. Because as a result, we end up with this false polarization, right? We feel like we're completely divided, and it becomes self-fulfilling.

• 25:14Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  We lose trust in each other, and we become resentful.

• 25:18Mel Robbins?

  Now, I want to make sure that I'm unpacking this, because I think this is so important, what you're saying. And it is so important that you really take in, and I'm gonna now call you Dr. Todd Rose, what he is saying about the data. Because this is something that I have held in my heart, that has made me very sad, and has also made me pull back and feel discouraged. I've bought into the collective illusion of what the loudest voices, you're saying it's the 10%, the fringe, are saying. And I have presumed...

• 25:53Mel Robbins?

  That the majority of people believe in this.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're the first generation now as a society that has to deal with collective illusions at scale because of social media. Like it just, you cannot trust your brain to tell you what your group thinks anymore. You can't. And that's a hard thing to overcome. And when you put it into social media environment, even if no, there's no bad actors, just the dynamics of that, the loudest voices will guarantee that you're going to be wrong.

• 26:19Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  The longer you spend time on there.

• 26:21Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 26:22Speaker 01

  But it gets even worse. So my organization has partnered with other organizations. We've been studying the way in which foreign entities that are trying to disrupt us have built bot armies. Russia, China.

• 26:36Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  They have millions of bots, some of them AI enabled now. And we often think when it's propaganda and manipulation, that they're just spreading disinformation. It's not what they do at all.

• 26:46Mel Robbins?

  What do they do?

• 26:47Speaker 01

  The new form of propaganda is the ability to manufacture a collective illusion.

• 26:51Mel Robbins?

  So meaning like literally like put you in the matrix of what they want you to believe by just.

• 26:56Speaker 01

  Intentionally targeting, especially Gen Z, to convince them that their communities believe things they don't. And that need to belong kicks in. I mean, we're talking about, so we know on social media writ large, that roughly one fourth of all the interactions you ever have are with bots and you don't know it.

• 27:16Mel Robbins?

  Say that again.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  One fourth of all your interactions on social media are with bots and you don't know it. And with AI enabled bots, you wouldn't be able to tell. They are so sophisticated. So you just have to be careful to know, if you just get to that point and understand this concept of a collective illusion, right?

• 27:34Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  Group think, but you're wrong about the group. So why would you conform? Like if you conform to something your group doesn't want, you're destroying the group you actually care about.

• 27:43Mel Robbins?

  So let me just unpack this. I really do think this is critical, that a quarter of the content that you interact with online are bots and that you believe that's conservative.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:56Mel Robbins?

  That the bots are programmed to.

• 28:00Mel Robbins?

  Convince you to believe something that the majority of people do not agree with.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:06Mel Robbins?

  And I also will extrapolate that that is why it is more important than ever that you stop conforming and you actually take a step back and you deeply connect with what's important to you. And that you find the courage to start speaking up because everybody else is waiting for somebody else to go first. And I believe regardless of how you voted, regardless of what country you live in, there is this deep weariness within families, within communities, within friend groups to even talk about anything. Because we convince ourselves that they believe what the bots and the 10% loudest voices believe. And they don't, and you're here to tell us that they don't believe that at all.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  They absolutely do not. I mean, we have the data you can download all of the, we've studied everything from the kind of lives people want to live, the kind of country they want to live in, what they want from education, healthcare, criminal justice. It is shocking when you get beyond the social pressure and the distortion. We are unbelievably similar in our aspirations, in our fears, in our desires. But we just don't believe it's true. And so we act accordingly. And to your point, when, when we get weary and we just go silent, it's understandable, but then it becomes part of the illusion, right?

• 29:26Mel Robbins?

  That's true, because nobody's speaking up.

• 29:27Speaker 01

  Because nobody's speaking up to the people that matter most to us.

• 29:29Mel Robbins?

  Like yelling at each other.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  Right. And so we all become caricatures of some fringe view that nobody really holds. And so one of the things that I've been the most proud of is, and the reason why I wanted to write this book is, you know, you give people a concept and people go, oh, wow, I didn't realize this. And then it opens up the ability to start talking about, well, wait a minute. Like, here's some of the things I think, you know, it's a safe way to have the conversation, but.

• 29:56Mel Robbins?

  Well, just even hearing that your data conclusively shows. That the majority of people literally agree on the things that they care about and want out of life? Like, it makes me go, really? Because I've been in a duck-and-cover mode, like, when is this madness going to end? When are we going to reconnect with what matters? Like, I kind of know that everybody agrees, but why isn't anybody? Why is there not a reasonable person like, oh, because I know a reasonable person doesn't want to stand up and get caught in this crossfire?

• 30:22Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 30:22Mel Robbins?

  That's why we're all like, okay, when is somebody normal going to pop up and show us the way? But you're here to say, we all have the ability to do this?

• 30:31Speaker 01

  We do, and it's only we can do this, because, like, if you think about it, there are people who profit from the illusions.

• 30:38Mel Robbins?

  Correct.

• 30:38Speaker 01

  And especially in a binary political system.

• 30:41Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  There's a lot of benefit to getting people to be more extreme.

• 30:46Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  And locked into an identity where you'll fall on that sword, because these are my people.

• 30:52Mel Robbins?

  Todd, I have so many questions. I am so grateful that you're here. I want to hit the pause button. I'd like to give our sponsors a chance to share a few words, and I also want to give you a chance to share this. This is one of the most important conversations that we have had on this podcast, not only because it has the ability to impact your life, but collectively, this is the kind of conversation that can make the world a better place. So I want to thank you for being generous as you share this. We are just getting started. Do not go anywhere. We haven't even gotten to the tools yet. We're going to get to that in a bit.

• 31:30Mel Robbins?

  We'll be right back after this short break with our sponsors, so stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins, and today you and I are learning about this incredible data set from Dr. Todd Rose, and all about this lie that we collectively believe that is keeping us from living our authentic life, from making the world a better place. I am so interested in this topic. I'm so glad that you're here. So Todd, can you share the data on what people actually agree on and care about, so that as you're listening and watching?

• 32:14Mel Robbins?

  Like, this is an incredible episode to send to family members and to send to friends that you feel like you can't talk to anymore, because you... Believe the collective illusion.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:25Mel Robbins?

  That they somehow don't agree with you on core things. So what does this data say about what people actually care about?

• 32:32Speaker 01

  So let's take a few things because we can go all day on this, which is pretty incredible. We studied the American aspirations a bit. So this was a US focused one.

• 32:40Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 32:40Speaker 01

  And we studied, what do you want for the country? And there were dozens and dozens and dozens of possibilities. And what was shocking to me, we found that in the top 10 aspirations for the country, we agreed on eight out of the 10. Individual rights.

• 32:56Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 32:57Speaker 01

  We still believe that in free speech, treating each other with respect, everyone have high quality healthcare. So there's a basic kind of life we want to live together. And we know that we owe each other certain things to make that life possible. And it turns out we agree on that. Now, as you said earlier, back in the day, we might disagree on how we do it. Right? Do you have Medicare for all? Do you have more like Romney care? We had a massive, you know, there are different ways that we can debate how to get it done. But it turns out the ultimate aims were shockingly similar on.

• 33:30Mel Robbins?

  I find it extraordinarily encouraging to hear that underneath all the noise of the loudest voices and the division and the bots, that human beings agree on eight out of the 10 things that are the most important things. What did you find about our personal lives? Like, how do people want to live? And how do we like break us? Tell me the list on what we agree on and then let's unpack that.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  Probably the single most important study we've ever done, that I think has the most implications for society and for individuals is it's called the success index.

• 34:10Mel Robbins?

  The success index.

• 34:11Speaker 01

  And we wanted to know, what do you mean by a successful life for you? What kind of life do you want to live? Nothing's more important than you feeling like you're living the kind of life that you want to live, even if no one else wants to live it. Right? That's literally the American dream. That's literally like the key to flourishing. It's the key to social trust. It's the key to everything. So we did this, I mean, massive private opinion study with the same kind of trade offs, right? Because you can have everything in life.

• 34:40Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 34:41Speaker 01

  We had 61 possible attributes for a good life.

• 34:44Mel Robbins?

  Okay, so you can pick between 61.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  Everything from having a family to being the richest person you know and everything in between. Okay. And then you force the trade offs in this way that gives you anonymity and plausible

• 34:55Mel Robbins?

  So you have to rank what you want?

• 34:56Speaker 01

  It's amazing. We can go into details on how they do it. There's some stuff on our site that'll show you. It's really cool, but you can't, you can't game it. It's so good at getting at private views.

• 35:05Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  So let's talk about what most people see in terms of their top priorities for a good life. It warms my heart. The number one priority for a successful life is I want to do work that has a positive impact on other people. They want to contribute. In that top 10 across all demographics were things to do with relationships, family, character, self-improvement and growth. Okay. In fact, one of the really crazy ones that I think is important is across every demographic in the top 10 was I want to be more engaged in my community. Now, here's what's interesting. We also measure how well you're achieving on these different things.

• 35:50Speaker 01

  Involved in your community was the lowest achieved of all top 10 priorities for your life. In fact, more people reported being debt free than involved in their community at the level they want to.

• 36:03Mel Robbins?

  What does that tell you as a researcher?

• 36:04Speaker 01

  It tells me that, well, we've lost that civic layer of society that gave us the way to engage and contribute, and they don't know how to do it. And by the way.

• 36:13Mel Robbins?

  And then if you also assume that nobody agrees with you and everybody like.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  So this is what, when we ask, so what do you think most people see as a successful life? Same trade offs, things, it flips entirely. They think everyone is obsessed with status, wealth, getting into the most prestigious school. The top thing that people think everyone else cares about. Is being famous.

• 36:38Mel Robbins?

  Really?

• 36:39Speaker 01

  Okay, in private, it's dead last. Now, let me unpack why that really matters. Okay, because there's an important thing about collective illusions, which is this. This generation's illusions tend to become next generation's private opinion. If you don't do something.

• 36:55Mel Robbins?

  Say that again.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  This generation's collective illusions tend to become next generation's private opinion. So let's use the example of fame, because young kids don't know that we're lying. So young kids look to culture, look to media, like, look to each other. What do we believe? What do we aspire to? So my colleagues at UCLA have tracked the effects of culture and media on middle school kids for a very long time. Up until a few years ago, the top thing that emerged every year had to do with character. Think like Mr. Rogers kind of stuff, right? Wonderful. A few years ago, it switched to, I want to be famous. And it hasn't changed back. I remember they interviewed one kid in the study. And he said, I want to have a million followers.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  I said, okay, for what? And he said, doesn't matter. So it's bad enough when these illusions lead our young kids to pursue dead ends that we know. We know that's not how you live a good life. That's bad enough. But when it starts to to become about the fundamental assumptions of democracy, of free society, of our shared humanity, you can see the real danger to us individually and collectively.

• 38:07Mel Robbins?

  So if this generation's collective illusion is that the number one aspiration in life is being famous, because they have bought into the lie that that's what everybody else prioritizes and values, that's what everybody else thinks matters. How does that impact the next generation when it comes to their private opinion?

• 38:31Speaker 01

  So because, again, they don't know it's a lie.

• 38:34Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  And they're looking to society to tell them initially what to value. Like, we're a social species.

• 38:40Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  We internalize the norms, the aspirations. What does it mean to succeed? And they will internalize that as, well, that's what I believe. I mean, they genuinely believe it. They're not lying. The kids aren't lying. They'll learn the hard way again, just like we all have, that that's a really bad way to think about living a good life. But that's really sad. I mean, it has to come to that. At the end of the day, like, what's so important about this, and we can talk about why, when it comes to collective illusions. It's about individuals. It's about authenticity. Authenticity is the kryptonite of collective illusions. Silence is never the answer. Authenticity always is.

• 39:16Mel Robbins?

  So is the reason why so many people are miserable as they're chasing success? Is because they're chasing a version of success that they believe other people have?

• 39:27Speaker 01

  And let's be fair to all of us. We want to be successful on our own terms. And we also would love to be recognized for that.

• 39:35Mel Robbins?

  But for what?

• 39:36Speaker 01

  So if I think being successful is finding fulfillment and doing something like literally, most people's view of success is getting meaning in their life by contributing to the lives of other people. That's literally if I could sum it up, right? Well, I want to do that, but I would also love that you recognize that I do that and it's valuable. Like, nothing wrong with wanting society to recognize my accomplishments, my aspirations, and validate them.

• 40:00Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 40:01Speaker 01

  The slippery slope is I can, without thinking, just like with your drinking example, where you're like, I didn't even think about it and suddenly I'm having a glass of wine.

• 40:08Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  Without thinking about it, we can easily slip into wanting their affirmation first and corrupting what we choose to do as a result. And I'll give you why this matters. In our research, we linked achievement on that success index

• 40:25Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  to life satisfaction. Like, how happy are you with your life? Here's what was amazing. To the extent that you were achieving on your private priorities.

• 40:33Mel Robbins?

  And just to make sure I'm tracking with you. People publicly say, I want the fame, I want the house, I want the car, I want the followers.

• 40:41Speaker 01

  The fancy car, the biggest house.

• 40:43Mel Robbins?

  But what secretly matters to you is your family, your friendships.

• 40:47Speaker 01

  My community.

• 40:48Mel Robbins?

  My community.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  Being a good person. If you achieve on those, it directly increases life satisfaction. In fact, just-

• 40:55Mel Robbins?

  If you directly achieve on the things that are private.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  Yes. And here's the thing. It was such a big effect because people are only achieving about 50% of their own priorities right now. If you bump that up by just 20 points, which is actually not hard when what we care about is being a good person and being involved in your community, anyone can do that, right?

• 41:13Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  It led to an increase in life satisfaction that was the same as doubling your salary.

• 41:19Mel Robbins?

  Wow.

• 41:20Speaker 01

  Okay, so it's a big deal, but now flip it around. No amount of achievement on what you think other people value increases life satisfaction at all. It is an absolute dead end. I mean, so this is what I say, this sort of personal success, I think, is the most important illusion we've ever found because it completely corrupts your own life. It leads to misery, right? And it's the one illusion that only you can solve. You have the power right now to solve that one, right? You don't need anyone's permission to start making different choices about the life you live.

• 41:56Mel Robbins?

  To get honest with yourself about what privately matters and to stop obsessing about what you think everybody else thinks, because you're here to tell us, all of that is an illusion. What you think other people think isn't even what they privately believe.

• 42:12Speaker 01

  The group doesn't even believe the thing that you're about to conform to. And so when you do it, and enough of us do it, we literally destroy the very group that we care about.

• 42:22Mel Robbins?

  And when you listen, and that's why I love this conversation, you're being reminded of the things that privately you know deep down are true. And that you can, from this moment forward, start living your life with the truth because the data shows it.

• 42:39Speaker 01

  Ask yourself, how would you behave if you knew for sure that this thing was an illusion? If you knew for sure your group didn't believe the thing that this fringe is just shouting at you?

• 42:50Mel Robbins?

  Well, you'd probably be talking to your friends, Mark. You'd probably be involved in your community.

• 42:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:55Mel Robbins?

  You'd probably wear what you want to wear.

• 42:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:57Mel Robbins?

  You'd probably speak up more, you know, because what happens when you recognize so much of the noise is noise and 80% of us, based on the eight out of 10 data that you have been crunching, really want the same things. We may disagree a little bit on how to achieve it, but we want the same things. And the kryptonite, you said, to exploding all of this noise is you personally starting to make decisions, day by day, conversation by conversation, moment by moment, that really align with those deeper things that you want for yourself.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  Because this is how we live our lives and the illusion that's like darkening our doorstep here. Because... If you look at the research on what happens when we self silence, so let's look at the downside of it and then look at the upside of being authentic. The downside of self silencing is shocking. Okay, so research that followed longitudinally people who were self silencing and people who weren't. Self silencers actually have dramatically higher rates of cardiovascular disease, strokes, high cholesterol, everything. And there's a mechanism for it, which is basically when you're self silencer or misrepresenting your views, you get this cognitive dissonance, you know, this kind of like, I know I'm not being honest.

• 44:20Speaker 01

  Cortisol levels elevate and they stay elevated. And cortisol is good in the short term when you're under threat and absolutely toxic, breaks down blood vessels, everything. The study I'm referring to actually tracked women who have much higher rates of self silencing. And just found when you look at all the gaps in mental health issues, there's usually a gender gap, right? Eating disorders, depression, anxiety.

• 44:44Mel Robbins?

  Autoimmune disorders.

• 44:44Speaker 01

  Autoimmune disorders. When you control for rates of self silencing, the gender gap disappears. This is a big deal. This is a big deal for your physical health.

• 44:54Mel Robbins?

  What does that mean to the person listening? Who knows that you're the person that stays silent in meetings? You're the person that doesn't rock the boat. So you're in conflict with your privately held beliefs with yourself.

• 45:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:10Mel Robbins?

  And you're living like that. And what you're saying is based on the research, women do this more than men. And there's lots of reasons why. But in the data, when you look at people who are self silencers, it has massively negative health outcomes. But when you remove the gender piece.

• 45:29Speaker 01

  When you remove the who's self is the self silencing, the effect of that.

• 45:32Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  It turns out there isn't a gender gap in those things. It's about self silencing. Like, that's not everything, right? There's lots of reasons why we can end up with anxiety. But I think the reason I say this is that when we self silence, I think we tend to think that it's sort of benign, right? There's not much of a cost. Yeah, I don't, I don't feel so good, but I, look, I get to fit in. What I want to show you is, no, there is a profound cost to your physical health. Right? There is a cost to your psychological health. I mean, self silencing is correlated with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, all these things. And there is a cost to humanity.

• 46:13Speaker 01

  Right in the false polarization, the distrust, the resentment that is pervasive in society today and democracies do not survive this kind of threat. And I will say one thing, which is, you know, one of my favorite psychologists, the humanist Carl Rogers, said, "All of problems in society, from nations against nations, groups against groups, boil down to individuals at war with themselves." When we start to misrepresent our views, when we self-silence to fit in, we're at war with ourselves.

• 46:48Mel Robbins?

  You're creating this war internally because you're forcing yourself to stay silent on something you don't agree with.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  That's right. So you're internalizing all the downside and you don't recognize it. And what's funny is we don't connect those dots. We start seeing our health start to fail. We see our, our mental health start to deteriorate and we look for all these reasons. I don't think it's coincidental, I don't think it's the only cause, but I don't think it's coincidental that our youngest generation that was literally born online has this skyrocketing anxiety and mental health challenges that are real and they're coming from a number of places.

• 47:22Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 47:22Speaker 01

  But for sure.

• 47:23Mel Robbins?

  One, we control.

• 47:24Speaker 01

  Because we know in our data that Gen Z is self-silencing at the highest rate of any demographic that we've ever studied.

• 47:31Mel Robbins?

  Why is that?

• 47:32Speaker 01

  Because they're online more than anybody else.

• 47:34Mel Robbins?

  And how does being online all the time reinforce this self-silencing?

• 47:40Speaker 01

  Because when I'm in person, I get a lot more cues. First of all, I know they're real people. Like, I know a lot of them. When I'm online, I'm going, I'm getting inundated with likes, with stuff pushed to me repeatedly. I'm like, and remember your brain's going, loudest voices repeated the most are the majority. And so on almost everything, especially when you're in those formative years. What do I believe? Who am I? What do I aspire to? They're being shaped by illusions in ways that none of us have ever really experienced. Those of us that at least remember a time when there wasn't social media. And again, I'm not saying social media is bad. It's got a lot of upside, but like any technology, there's always a downside. And if you don't recognize the downside, you're going to live it.

• 48:25Mel Robbins?

  I think as a parent, my heart just collapsed because I see that paralysis in self-expression. This like fear that it's going to be cringey, fear that somebody's going to judge it, fear that, you know, you're not going to get the likes that you want, which is all driven by conformity, which then has you, A, silence yourself, and then B, now operate online in a way that you think gets people to like you because we're wired for conformity. So how do you break this, given that we're wired for conformity? And we understand how self-silence, because self-silence at work, you don't talk in meetings.

• 49:09Mel Robbins?

  Self-silence at works, you don't raise problems. You don't talk about the mistakes that happened and how you solved them. Self-silence, you start to operate the way everybody else does because you think that's the way you get ahead.

• 49:21Speaker 01

  And by the way, when everyone starts doing that and starts conforming, groups lose their vitality, groups lose their purpose, right? The purpose of a group is not blind conformity. It's that we're better together. It's that we can cooperate. It's that we can exchange ideas, right? That I can learn from you and be like, maybe I'm wrong. But that loses its function and it just becomes this blind tribalism where we're just like, now who's our enemy? Okay, we're good because they're losing. It's just, it's, it's pretty horrific. The, the trick is, is if you care about living a good life, authenticity is everything. By the way, let me just be clear. Authenticity doesn't mean you even know all the facts about yourself.

• 50:02Speaker 01

  It's that you are acting in accordance with who you believe you are in that moment. That's the win. It doesn't mean you're right.

• 50:09Mel Robbins?

  Give me an example.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  So I could believe that I care about football. It's my preference. I love it so much because, you know, my mom taught me it. It matters. I do actually care quite a bit about it like, and, and so I express myself that way. Right? I follow the Patriots. It's a little tough right now, but you know, we'll get back. But let's say it turns out I buy season tickets and I go and I'm like, oof. Actually, I don't, turns out I don't actually like football anymore. Or maybe I never did. I just thought I did. Okay. It wasn't about being accurate. It's that the choice I made at the time was consistent with who I believe I am. All the benefits of, of, of authenticity accrue from that, not from being accurate.

• 50:54Mel Robbins?

  So in other words, you buying a Patriot tickets is an authentic decision. It aligns with what you believe to be true. You going and sitting there and freezing your rear end off while you sit on a sleeping bag, you know, in the middle of January, watching a game in an open stadium.

• 51:09Speaker 01

  Quite literally.

• 51:10Mel Robbins?

  Yes. And you're like, uh, I don't think I like this anymore.

• 51:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:13Mel Robbins?

  And that is also an authentic decision.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:16Mel Robbins?

  I had the same experience. I grew up skiing, love skiing, love skiing with my parents, love skiing in Northern Michigan. Then I didn't ski for a while. Then I married a guy who's a ski racer. And you know what I learned? I don't like skiing that much. And, you know, I can tell you an opposite one. Golf, hate golf, no time for golf, don't care about golf, didn't get golf, don't understand why people watch golf. Then all of a sudden I'm riding on a golf cart with my husband. And we're chatting and talking because I just want to spend some time with him that I'm doing with my parents. And I'm like, wow, it's kind of beautiful out here. Wow, we're talking a lot. Guess what?

• 51:51Speaker 01

  Turns out.

• 51:52Mel Robbins?

  I'm now thinking I might want to play golf.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:53Mel Robbins?

  And that's authentic.

• 51:55Speaker 01

  Correct, because remember, what we don't want is for you to stop growing and changing. So at any moment, you have a set of beliefs about yourself.

• 52:02Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 52:03Speaker 01

  And as long as they're aligned with who you believe you are, you get all the benefits of authenticity, which they are incredible. A level of confidence that will just blow your mind, right? Not arrogance, just a deep confidence in yourself and your ability to make decisions. People who are authentic actually have higher levels of viewing the world as positive sum, which it is. There's enough, and we can grow the pie. Not just materialistically, but psychologically and spiritually. Like, your success does not hurt me. It actually benefits me. We can all win. But more importantly, authentic people have phenomenally better relationships. Because obviously, right? Because here's the thing, as we said a while back, we want belonging.

• 52:46Speaker 01

  What we end up giving into is fitting in.

• 52:49Mel Robbins?

  This is so important. Thank you for explaining it like that. Let's just take a quick break so our sponsors can share a few words. And please, please share this with people that you care about. Everybody deserves to live an authentic life. And I love everything that I'm learning. I feel so much more empowered, and I know you do too. So as you've been nodding along, thank you for sharing this with people. Don't go anywhere. We have so much more to unpack when we return. Stay with me.

• 53:29Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. And today, you and I are learning all about living a more authentic life from Dr. Todd Rose. So Todd, what is the difference between belonging and fitting in?

• 53:40Speaker 01

  Belonging is when you are recognized, accepted, and even loved for who you are. So you have to do that for yourself first. But because no one's going to do that for you. But when you're in groups, and we've all felt this, right? Like me with my grandmother. I knew I was good enough. Like flaws and all, it didn't matter. Like, I didn't have to be somebody else, even in a small way, for her to love me. When you have that kind of relationship, there's nothing better in the world. Okay? Fitting in is you accept me if.

• 54:19Speaker 01

  You accept me if, if I like the things you like, if I do the things you want me to do, if I decide to be a computer scientist instead of an artist. So many of our relationships are built on that kind of if. And, you know, just like when you're not physically healthy, you forget what it feels like to be healthy. When we're used to fitting in, we forget what it feels like to truly belong. And I'll say this, and I'll say this to anyone listening or viewing, you deserve to belong. You should not accept the status of just fitting in. It's not good enough. It doesn't lead to the place that you want it to lead to, and it causes a lot of harm to you and society.

• 55:02Mel Robbins?

  What is the first step? Because I think as you're listening, what you just said is both a wake up call, and it can be a little crushing to your soul when you recognize your whole life, all you've tried to do is fit in.

• 55:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:19Mel Robbins?

  And I know that everybody wants to feel like their authentic self. Everybody wants to be proud of themselves. Like, you want to lay your head down on the pillow at night and know that you did the best that you could, you made the best decisions that you could, that you're proud of how you showed up, that you had good intentions. That is the gold standard, that you, you know, it was a good day because you tried the best that you could to be a good person. And that starts with you being, making good decisions for yourself and not self-silencing to fit in.

• 55:52Speaker 01

  Here's the important part about authenticity. It is a process. It's not a destination. There's no such thing as, you could put all the work you want in right now, and you're like, I'm done. It's not how it works. Because a flourishing life is one where you grow and change and discover and all that stuff. So even if you were 100% right, right now, if you locked that in, you'd be inauthentic. In the future. So the things that people need to understand is, again, it's never too late. This is what's amazing. All the benefits of authenticity, the research shows, like, they accrue very quickly to you, no matter how old you are, no matter where you're starting from. It's, it's pretty amazing. You just have to get started. Okay. And here's the

• 56:34Speaker 01

  thing. There's, there's two things from my perspective. The first is getting a handle on what you think you really believe.

• 56:41Mel Robbins?

  How do you do that? When you're like been gaslit by all the noise?

• 56:46Speaker 01

  Here's a very simple step that I've used and I've shared and people have used and it's worked. Ask yourself why. On things you believe you believe. Because when they're your honest beliefs that you've arrived at, you know why. I'll give you an example. I have a deep commitment, like probably most people, to human rights. It might be the most important concept to me of anything in the world, that every individual has moral worth and we are equal to one another and we are never, ever a means to someone else's ends. That's how I want to be viewed and treated. That's how I will view and treat other people. Human rights flows from dignity. So I know for sure I believe that. But you'll

• 57:28Speaker 01

  be shocked at how many things you think you believe are just the norms of your society that you've never really questioned because you want to fit in. For me, didn't do very well in school and we can, that's a understatement. I fell out of high school with a 0.9 GPA.

• 57:44Mel Robbins?

  0.9? That's possible?

• 57:46Speaker 01

  You have to work really hard to do that poorly. You know, I ended up failing out. A couple of months later, my girlfriend, at the time, who was my wife for 29 years, found out she was pregnant. And this is rural Utah. It's not, not something one does in rural Utah. We were on welfare. We ended up with two kids. By the time I was 20, doing a string of minimum wage jobs. I had a paper route at 4am to supplement our income. We were selling blood plasma, you know, all the things you have to do. And recognizing rock bottom, I was working at what was Circuit City, which they've gone out of business now. And on my lunch break, I didn't have any money. So I went over to Barnes and Noble

• 58:29Speaker 01

  and I was perusing this self-help section. I had like no self-esteem. No, you know, I'd lied to myself a lot.

• 58:37Speaker 01

  I knew something had to change. And I happened upon a book called The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. And Nathaniel Brandon said, self esteem is not something you can directly act on. It's the alignment of your beliefs and your behavior. And if your behavior and beliefs don't align, you won't respect yourself. Why would you? But this was the nugget for me that completely changed my life. I had always assumed that my beliefs were my beliefs and that my behavior was what needed to change. But this book told me that's not true. That you may not actually believe the things you believe that you believe. And in my case, it was religious in nature.

• 59:19Speaker 01

  I had tried so hard to align my behaviors to a set of beliefs that came from my religion. And I just failed a lot. And though those behaviors weren't bad behaviors, they were just inconsistent. And I thought, wait a minute. It could be my beliefs that are the thing that's causing the problem. And so I spent a lot of time thinking about, well, why do I believe this? And I realized I didn't believe. And once I recognized that and started on the path of thinking about what is it? Who am I? What do I believe? Things got a lot easier, a lot easier.

• 59:52Mel Robbins?

  Why?

• 59:53Speaker 01

  Because suddenly I knew the root problem. I was constantly trying to get my behavior to align, just like if you're trying to conform to a group, constantly trying to, what am I supposed to do now? What do we do? How do I dress? What do I, what do I drink? You know, what, what career do I choose? And once that I had permission to start questioning my own beliefs, I was able to get on a different path. And it never would have changed without that.

• 1:00:18Mel Robbins?

  I think that's super profound. I think it's also crazy inspiring that you went from there to becoming a graduate school professor at Harvard and now running a think tank and doing this deeply important work. And I was so excited to have you on because I fundamentally refuse to believe that we are this divided.

• 1:00:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:37Mel Robbins?

  I fundamentally refuse to believe that people are unreasonable or lack character. I also fundamentally refuse to give that much power to all the noise.

• 1:00:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:00:49Mel Robbins?

  And, you know, one of the things that I, I want to hover on the authenticity piece. Because when somebody walks into a room that is very much authentically themselves, whether they have on just a cool outfit.

• 1:01:06Mel Robbins?

  Or they have an energy about them, or there's a kindness to them. Whatever it may be, you feel it.

• 1:01:15Speaker 01

  The energy of that is unbelievable.

• 1:01:16Mel Robbins?

  It is intoxicating. And, and, and it's not a level of arrogance. There is something that, that I truly believe that we're all yearning for it. And we're looking for someone.

• 1:01:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:31Mel Robbins?

  To give us the permission.

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  That's right. And, and they just, they're not trying to get you to do something. They just, I'm gonna be me, you be you. Put it in different terms, like let them, let me, right? And they're, they're, they're the embodiment of that. Some things happen because we so deeply want that. We gravitate toward the energy there is real.

• 1:01:50Mel Robbins?

  So how do you cultivate that energy? You mentioned let them and let me. And you also, when we were talking, said that is a tool that really helps you apply this, this research and this data that let them. Like, why don't you explain it? Because how can you use those two words, let them?

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 1:02:10Mel Robbins?

  And those two words, let me, as a way for you to start to become more authentically yourself?

• 1:02:16Speaker 01

  Well, this is why I was so excited to talk to you because my scientific research, the work we do at Populous, my think tank, is, I would say what we've uncovered is the science behind let them, let me. We talked a lot about the conforming and all the problems there. But also the broader societal consequences of not doing that.

• 1:02:35Mel Robbins?

  Wow.

• 1:02:35Speaker 01

  Right? So what do we know about how we shatter illusions? How we get back to authenticity? And it's the, the practical stuff you need to do to get on that path. When I looked at, when I read your book, I was like, okay, this, if you just do this. It's not, it's not easy. It's simple, but it's not easy. Right? And so bringing it to a level of getting people on that journey. Again, authenticity is a journey. It's process. It's not a destination. You can start anytime, anywhere, no matter how old you are, no matter what your circumstances. Then if all we did, and I'll tell you why. If you lean into let them, I mean, you framed a lot, and I think it's right around how miserable we get when we try to control everybody else.

• 1:03:19Speaker 01

  But it goes a little further because as we start to participate in that sort of like, you should believe what I'm saying too. And what's funny about collective illusions, and this is one of those like, I could not believe this. So, once you start lying about your views, the research is pretty clear, you start to lean into that. You become an enforcer of it.

• 1:03:40Mel Robbins?

  Because you don't want to admit you're wrong?

• 1:03:41Speaker 01

  Yes, and because you always think people are going to find me out. Because I know I'm lying. It's called the illusion of transparency. They think everyone can tell that I'm not really a true believer. And so it turns out that people who lie about their views have a high probability become enforcers of that view on other people. I'll give you a concrete example. Like, if I hear, every time I hear a pastor who's anti-gay now, I'm like, they're probably gay. The number of times that it just turns out to be true, I'm like, yeah, you're protesting a bit much, right? But like, once you're hiding that part of yourself, you start to become the person that's literally leads the witch hunt to prove, like, no, look, I'm a true believer. And so, don't be that person, right?

• 1:04:22Speaker 01

  Because the let them part of it is, the more you're seeking to control their people, not just their behavior, but their beliefs, you are leading them down a path of self-silencing that will be catastrophic for them, but now you also know it's catastrophic for all of us.

• 1:04:39Mel Robbins?

  Well, the other application that I see, based on everything you shared, is that very profound difference between feeling a sense of belonging versus an obsession with trying to fit in. And to me, if you could speak a little bit about how the let them and the let me really gives you a tool to notice those moments where you're so scared of other people's opinion, or you're so seeking fitting in, that you cut off access to authenticity and belonging.

• 1:05:10Speaker 01

  That's right. And so, we did the let them side, right? Because you are literally making it. Less likely that the people around you can live authentic lives. You talk about this so well in the book, like, like, the kid's like, really? Okay, for the, for the dance you're going to, really? You haven't, okay, they want to wear certain things, they want to do these things. It's like, let them, because part of that is, let them be their authentic self.

• 1:05:34Mel Robbins?

  Yes, yes, your need to control is actually teaching other people that they have to fit in.

• 1:05:40Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:05:40Mel Robbins?

  And you are squashing somebody else's authenticity.

• 1:05:43Speaker 01

  Exactly right.

• 1:05:44Mel Robbins?

  So it's how you stop yourself from making people conform.

• 1:05:47Speaker 01

  Correct, and then you flip it around, and the let me, I deserve to be authentic. And so that flip side, if I'm going to give that same grace to other people now, I owe it to myself to give myself that same grace. I deserve to belong, I don't need to settle for, for fitting in. Right, I deserve all the benefits that come from being my truest self, and I shouldn't compromise that, just because I believe other people want something different. And again, when collective illusions are layered into that, that thing you're about to like, give up your authenticity for, they don't even want, like, so what are we doing?

• 1:06:25Mel Robbins?

  I just want to say, I was kind of blown away because when I first started using let them first, it was really to stop trying to control everybody, so that I wasn't so stressed out all the time.

• 1:06:39Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:06:40Mel Robbins?

  But then it became very clear how my default was to fit in. My default was to seek approval, my default was to make everybody else happy. My default was to buy into the collective illusion, and allow that to dictate what I do or don't do, like navigating your life based on everybody else. And you're telling us, all of the things that you believe everybody else believes, they're largely wrong. And we're all desperate for somebody to say, hey, it's time to just stand up and be authentic. It's time for you to stop trying to fit in, and it's time for you to make decisions and live your life in a way that really aligns with you. And I hadn't thought about the let me part, truly as a tool for authenticity and courage in that way.

• 1:07:25Speaker 01

  And that's what, that's, that's how it resonated with me, which isn't that funny? And if you read all of our research.

• 1:07:32Speaker 01

  And you realize, wait, so if I let them be their authentic self, and we do that at scale, what kind of society would we have?

• 1:07:42Mel Robbins?

  Well, see, I worry that if we let people be their authentic self, that we would have a runaway train of people who are selfish and not conscientious, and who are chasing fame and profit and trashing human beings for all the tech giants, and that bots would run the world. And what you're now teaching me is that my belief that if I just let people run wild, the worst of humanity would rise to the top. And you're telling me, Mel?

• 1:08:13Speaker 01

  Not true.

• 1:08:14Mel Robbins?

  What is true?

• 1:08:15Speaker 01

  Go back to the success index.

• 1:08:17Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 1:08:17Speaker 01

  The private highest aspirations we have for the lives we want to live ourselves. Okay, remember, top trade off priority, I want to do work that has a positive impact on other people. I want to be trustworthy. I want to have a family. I want to be good to other people. I want to be involved in my community. I want to achieve on things that matter. I want an education. I want these things. Like, this is what people would do if we leaned in to let them let me. And the only reason we're afraid of it is because we've fallen for the illusions, right? We've been with this illusion for a while. And so we're like, oh, I mean, it's funny. We ask people about trust.

• 1:09:00Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:01Speaker 01

  Privately, are you trustworthy? Ninety three percent of people said, of course, I'm trustworthy, and I want that. It matters to me. What do you think other people would say? Well, no, no, no. Other people don't care about being trustworthy. They're not trustworthy. And you're like, yeah, it's a massive illusion. And so if I'm looking around thinking, other people don't even care about being trustworthy. And I think they all want fame and the zero sum, like winner take all.

• 1:09:24Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:25Speaker 01

  They will step on my

• 1:09:26Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:09:27Speaker 01

  thing to get to me. Why would I want to let them?

• 1:09:30Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:09:31Speaker 01

  Be able to live their authentic lives? Because if that were who they really are, that would be awful.

• 1:09:36Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:09:36Speaker 01

  And so what we end up doing is having to control everybody.

• 1:09:39Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:09:39Speaker 01

  And that's true in our interpersonal lives that you you wrote about. It's also true all the way up to our political lives, where we've given up on these fundamental values, like, you know what? You live your life, all live mine, as long as we're not hurting each other. Like, we've lost a willingness to invest in one another because we believe the illusion.

• 1:09:59Mel Robbins?

  Where did all this lack of trust come from? I know you have a story.

• 1:10:03Speaker 01

  So, social trust, which is trust in strangers.

• 1:10:05Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 1:10:05Speaker 01

  Right? The single best predictor of the health and flourishing of democracies. At the end of the day, we talk about trust in institutions. I don't need to trust the government. I need to have confidence that they'll do what they say. So accountability, transparency. The only trust that matters is that we trust each other.

• 1:10:24Speaker 01

  So it predicts almost everything that matters collectively. And ever since we implemented in the 1930s in the United States, scientific management, Frederick Taylor, was where we got standardization to everything. Everything became standardized. He invented the concept of a manager. So you just do the job I'm telling you. You don't get any say in what you do in the name of efficiency. Every single generation since has had lower social trust than the preceding generation. Right now in America, we have the lowest levels of social trust ever recorded.

• 1:10:56Mel Robbins?

  Now, is that true or is that an illusion? You know what I'm saying?

• 1:10:58Speaker 01

  It's true. It's even worse in private right now than it is in public.

• 1:11:01Mel Robbins?

  Oh, no.

• 1:11:02Speaker 01

  Now, here's the good news, though.

• 1:11:03Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 1:11:04Speaker 01

  And this is what matters. If I could wave a magic wand and say, what's the one thing I could change about this country? Besides, and again, honestly, everybody leaning in to let them and let me, because the illusions would have nowhere to hide. And we'd obviously see that we have a lot in common and that people trusted. It's this illusion of trust. Okay? What's interesting in our data. So when you look across the world, like Scandinavian countries have very high levels of social trust. And you can see the cohesion, the trust in each other, the investment in each other. You only have to get above 50% social trust for that to kick in. When a majority of people believe a majority of people in their society are trustworthy.

• 1:11:39Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:40Speaker 01

  Good things start to happen.

• 1:11:41Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:11:42Speaker 01

  When you dip into like the 30s, it spirals the other way. Right? We start to need to control each other. We're in the low mid 30s right now. Okay? In our data, though, in private, here's what I think is fascinating. If you cut the data by whether you're self silencing, people that self silence have the lowest levels of social trust ever. It's they are like in the low 30s percent of people who believe other people can be trusted. Okay?

• 1:12:11Speaker 01

  If you're one of the one-third that hasn't self-silenced, they have levels of social trust that rival Scandinavian countries. So there's something about feeling like you're in a society where you can't even say your opinion. Why would I trust everybody else if I feel like I can't be me?

• 1:12:30Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:31Speaker 01

  So this issue of needing to reclaim an authenticity, it might be the single most important thing you could do to heal your society, because it is the fastest way to increase social trust.

• 1:12:43Mel Robbins?

  Well, I can give an example that came to mind as you were talking about plummeting trust. If you have ever had any kind of tragedy hit your community, whether it's a fire or a flood or something else, what happens?

• 1:12:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:58Mel Robbins?

  People reveal who they are at their core. Like you have some illness in a family, family members that are divided on politics that haven't talked for two years.

• 1:13:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:07Mel Robbins?

  All of a sudden come in because it reduces us to just our core values in a moment where it's all hands on deck.

• 1:13:18Speaker 01

  It's, you're exactly right. Like I had a, you know, a couple of years ago, I lost my wife, 20 years. And it was unbelievable to see people who I thought I had beefs with, right? Because some of the, we'd had challenges, it doesn't matter anymore. There's this common humanity that comes together. And you're right, you see this in these trauma and tragedy. We reveal who we are.

• 1:13:41Mel Robbins?

  Okay. Why is that true?

• 1:13:43Speaker 01

  Because the norm around tragedy, right?

• 1:13:46Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:46Speaker 01

  We have norms in this country and other countries that it's all hands on deck. We just rally, that's what we do. Okay? I was a little worried some of the last unnatural disasters in the country, when the first thing we saw was the politicization of it, the blaming right off the bat. But then that dissolved pretty quick at the ground level.

• 1:14:05Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:05Speaker 01

  Into, we need to help each other. Because as human beings, we empathize. That's one of our magical traits, right? We can put ourselves in other people's shoes. We can think about how we would want to be treated. And we can activate compassion and act on it. When we see people in those times of need, it reveals who, what our real character is. Imagine what it would have been like if the illusion was correct.

• 1:14:27Mel Robbins?

  That nobody cares, we don't trust you, nobody shows up.

• 1:14:29Speaker 01

  Nobody shows up. And the thing, right now, that's not the case. But if we don't recognize this problem and take some responsibility for it, it could become the case.

• 1:14:40Mel Robbins?

  Do you truly believe, based on all of this data, that if every single one of us as an individual were to really embrace the facts that when it comes to the things that we all value as human beings, we all value the same 80% of things. So we are all so much more alike. We want the same things for ourselves and each other. If we were to operate with that, and then we were to go into our day to day lives and say, "My only job is to let other people be themselves and be who they are," and with the presumption that underneath it, they value character.

• 1:15:26Mel Robbins?

  Underneath it, they want meaningful work. Underneath it, they want better for their friends and for their family. That if we operate like that, and then we also say to ourselves, "My job is to then show up and make decisions with the information I have the best that I can day to day that really align what I truly value." Like to give myself that permission and to find the courage to do it, whether it's how you post on social, or whether you talk at work, or whether you ski or not this season, whether you want to live where you live, whether you want to go to Sizzler's or not, that you just start to slowly calibrate your life

• 1:16:09Mel Robbins?

  back toward the things that you know deeply matter to you. Like simply volunteering in a place in your community would make you feel more authentic.

• 1:16:18Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:16:19Mel Robbins?

  Changing your major could make you feel more authentic. Asking your brother or sister for a little help with mom and dad because you've self silenced would make you feel a little authentic. It doesn't have to do with what they are going to say.

• 1:16:30Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 1:16:31Mel Robbins?

  You may have a collective illusion that they're not going to do anything. Because you think everybody's selfish now.

• 1:16:36Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 1:16:37Mel Robbins?

  But that's the noise. The truth is, deep down, people care about the same thing. It starts with you. You really believe that that's what's gonna turn this all around.

• 1:16:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, let me, let me give you a historical example when I say, because it feels like the problems are too big.

• 1:16:53Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:16:54Speaker 01

  Um, they must require these big solutions.

• 1:16:56Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:16:56Speaker 01

  It's not true. Let me give you an example. Uh, as a reformed academic, I'm gonna lean into a bigger example, just once.

• 1:17:02Mel Robbins?

  Please.

• 1:17:03Speaker 01

  But I think it's important. When the problem is a collective illusion, and you pursue the right strategy, which is this authenticity strategy, right? It's not about persuading, it's about revealing, showing people. The kind of social change that can happen, at a, how fast it can happen, how big it can happen. The best example of this is the Velvet Revolution in Czechoslovakia. This is puzzled historians for a long time. It happened in nineteen, late, late eighties. Czechoslovakia had been under communist rule for a long time, just brutal. Other countries had tried to revolt. Hungary, other things, like bloody massacres as a result. The Velvet Revolution is famous because it's the only time a people have overthrown

• 1:17:47Speaker 01

  a communist regime, uh, without a single person dying, without a single shot being fired. Okay?

• 1:17:53Mel Robbins?

  Wow.

• 1:17:53Speaker 01

  And people are like, how does that happen? It's an anomaly. The best part about it is who led it? And this is how you'll get to the secret of it. Is a person named Vasile Pabel. Okay, and I'm gonna say right now, for everyone listening or watching, if you go online, you can download for free. He wrote a manifesto about this called The Power of the Powerless. That is, will chill you to the bones. It will sound like he's writing about our time today. Um, but he, he writes about how he discovered the real problem in their society was this collective illusion. So, he's had no military experience. He wasn't a politician. He was a poet and a playwright.

• 1:18:34Speaker 01

  And he was anti-communist, but he decides he writes this play called The Garden Party. And it was a satire about communism. It was so subtle that the censors didn't even know they were being made fun of. Okay, so he puts it on. It becomes a runaway hit. It's like the Hamilton of the time there. It sold out every night. He attends every single play and he doesn't watch the play. He watches the audience. And he said, they laughed at all the right parts. They laughed at things that you would not find funny if you truly believed in communism. And he writes in The Power of the Powerless that he recognizes the fundamental problem was not that the people of Czechoslovakia believed in communism.

• 1:19:15Speaker 01

  It's that they believed that they believed. It was a collective illusion. I mean, I don't know how he got there, but it's amazing. He figured it out. The solution then was not weapons. It was not even political. It was authenticity. He called it authenticity and personal responsibility. And here's what he did. He said, well, then the answer is we've got to create ways for people to start to be comfortable living in truth again. Because we've become way too comfortable living in the lie. Okay, so he starts what he called the small works. How do we help people start to lean into their authentic selves in ways that weren't risky to begin with? Literally created a literary magazine so people could publish poetry. They did gardening. They did other things. People mocked him, mocked him.

• 1:20:01Speaker 01

  Like even people who his fellow revolutionaries were like, this is so naive. You're, they have all the guns. You're going to defeat them with authenticity and personal responsibility, but they did. And here's what's crazy. Nobody saw it coming.

• 1:20:16Speaker 01

  The CIA completely missed it. The KGB missed it entirely. Even Havel himself didn't appreciate how fast it could change when it was an illusion. Just a few months before the student protest that led 12 days of protest, government falls. He's interviewed in an international magazine and he's trying to rally the troops. And he's like, look, revolutions take time. You have to be committed. He's like, Look, I probably won't even be alive to see the end of this, but I am in it. Right? Three months later, he was the first democratically elected president of a free Czechoslovakia. That's what I mean when I say when the problem is an illusion. Two things, only we can solve it.

• 1:20:58Speaker 01

  It didn't require somebody from on high telling us something. It was the everyday people learning to live in truth in small ways that start to build habit that lead to a, we believe we believe this now. Right? And I think about it, I think about that story all the time because I think if a poet can overthrow communism under a collective illusion, think what you can do in your own life. Think what we can do together. I promise you the power of the palace, it's free. It's like 80 pages. It is unbelievable. It is, never forget, like this thing that you want more than anything to be authentic. And you should want it.

• 1:21:38Speaker 01

  It's like almost magical in what it does for you and for us is the thing that you should do for yourself. And again, it is the most important thing you could do to heal society.

• 1:21:49Mel Robbins?

  Or your family.

• 1:21:50Speaker 01

  Your family.

• 1:21:51Mel Robbins?

  Your loved ones.

• 1:21:52Speaker 01

  Your relationships. Yeah, it's a journey. You say this all the time, right? I think we, we overestimate what we can do in the short term and we underestimate what can happen.

• 1:22:02Mel Robbins?

  Or time. A long time.

• 1:22:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:03Mel Robbins?

  And we also underestimate the power of these small micro changes. And you talk a lot in your work about the micro changes.

• 1:22:10Speaker 01

  It's all that matters.

• 1:22:11Mel Robbins?

  And it could mean speaking up at work. It could mean going to church this weekend. It could mean volunteering in your community. It could mean picking up a book and getting back into reading fiction instead of scrolling on social media.

• 1:22:24Speaker 01

  Find the thing that connects you back to who you believe you are right now. And it doesn't have to be these massive life changing things. In fact, it rarely ever requires that. Again, if you can literally transform a tyrannical society into a free society on the back of authenticity, like you can change your life.

• 1:22:45Mel Robbins?

  What is one thing that you could challenge us to do based on all the research? The power of authenticity? To do this week, what would it be?

• 1:22:58Speaker 01

  This is gonna sound basic, but it's do something.

• 1:23:02Speaker 01

  You've got to get that action bias. Again, listen to Vasily, it doesn't have to be huge, but find those places where you know you've been going along, you know, you really didn't agree.

• 1:23:13Mel Robbins?

  Could be eating, like, what are some of the simple places?

• 1:23:16Speaker 01

  I'm talking literally like, go back to the very beginning. No, I'm not actually drinking tonight.

• 1:23:21Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 1:23:21Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Little things, hey, are we sure we want to go to that restaurant?

• 1:23:25Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 1:23:25Speaker 01

  Just stuff that you like, I'm talking about your preferences. They don't have to be these deep, profound, like, let's have a political conversation about, it could, but just you know, first of all, you know it when you're not being authentic. Like, so I don't have to tell you.

• 1:23:39Mel Robbins?

  True. It's so true.

• 1:23:41Speaker 01

  And just say, look, I'm going to commit to one act of authenticity. And I would say, find the smallest, meaningful act. And I'll tell you, remember that reward signal I talked about with conformity?

• 1:23:53Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:23:54Speaker 01

  It also works with authenticity.

• 1:23:55Mel Robbins?

  Tell me more about that.

• 1:23:56Speaker 01

  So when people who desire authenticity believe they are acting on it, and we've seen this with, with neuromaging studies and everything, they get the same reward response, because your brain's like, that, do more of that. And then you get the anticipation of it. And one small act leads to another, leads to another, it becomes habit, then it becomes your identity, it becomes who you are, and you won't even realize it happened. And then you'll become the person that everyone looks at and goes, I want to be like them. I want to be around them. You, the energy you bring into a room, and, and the thing is, it's absolutely contagious. Not only because you create permission for other people to unbutton their table, right?

• 1:24:40Mel Robbins?

  Are mine buttoned? I was like, did I button them back up?

• 1:24:42Speaker 01

  Because, because we know this from the research that happiness itself is contagious. When the people around you, within your network, increase their happiness, you get about a 25% boost for free. Become that person. And if, if you worry too much about the end goal, it feels insurmountable. I remember thinking, when I was minimum wage, welfare, two kids, no high school diploma, if I tried to think about what life might be like in the long, it just seems insurmountable. All I thought was, what's the next step that I can take? And then you take another step. And for me, and I don't mean this to sound arrogant.

• 1:25:26Speaker 01

  It took seven years from when I was fell out of high school to when I got into Harvard for my doctorate. Another seven years before I was professor. Like, that time's going to go past no matter what you do. And when you think about those sort of time horizons, you know, five years is going to go by, whether you like it or not. And all the fear you feel, first of all, I'll say, most of it is completely unfounded. Now you know why. It's a prison in our own minds. We're at war with ourselves. But whatever fear you feel, remember, you know, something's wrong right now. Like, the status quo in your own life is not good enough. You know that you deserve better than that.

• 1:26:10Speaker 01

  That time's going to pass. Just start the small acts. Get on that path of authenticity. And I promise you, you are, you won't even recognize yourself. Todd Rose, what are your parting words? It's easy for individuals just living their life, trying to make ends meet, day to day. You barely have enough time to do anything for yourself. The problems in our society seem so big, so insurmountable, that there's like an apathy that sets in. Uh huh. Because what could I possibly do? It's also exhausting. It is exhausting, because it's exhausting in part because we don't know what to do. We feel like nothing we could do would ever matter, and we feel helpless.

• 1:26:54Speaker 01

  It's not true. Like, at my core, I believe it, but I also have the data to back it up. You matter more than you could possibly know. That's true in general, but it is particularly true when the problems of our society are related to collective illusions. You have a role to play. Do it for yourself. Your life will be immeasurably better. You and I both know. I pinch myself. I'm like, I cannot believe I get to live this life.

• 1:27:23Mel Robbins?

  Same. And I also can't believe how long I spent it trying to fit in and how exhausting and fatiguing it was, how long I gaslit myself, saying, there's nothing I can do. And all the noise is correct when I deeply, fundamentally believe that's not true, that we all kind of are want the same things. And then when you realize, wait a minute, if I'm just authentically myself, the illusion disappears.

• 1:27:47Speaker 01

  Do it for yourself, just for that. But do it for us.

• 1:27:51Mel Robbins?

  Todd, I am so grateful. I am grateful that you're doing this work. I am so grateful that you are able to break it down for all of us. And so I just want to thank you for the proof and the permission to believe in the better nature in all of us. And I'm also grateful that just allowing yourself to be yourself and finding the courage to start to point your life back toward the things that you know make you feel like you is actually the answer to all the big problems. So, thank you, thank you, thank you. And I also want to thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for really listening or watching something that will help you be more authentic. And thank you for sharing this.

• 1:28:36Mel Robbins?

  More than any other episode, we do have the power to change things. Do not buy into the lies. I really want you to live in the truth. And I love you for being here. And I do believe in your ability to create a better life. And today, after our conversation and everything I learned, I believe in your ability and my ability to create a better world. Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play.

• 1:29:08Mel Robbins?

  One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. All right, you ready? No, you're good. Okay, here we go. Okay, gotcha. Okay. I'm just gonna go drink some water and get ready. I'm really excited.

• 1:29:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too.

• 1:29:19Mel Robbins?

  Thank you for coming in.

• 1:29:20Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me.

• 1:29:20Mel Robbins?

  Of course. All right, you ready? Good. Let's dive in. Perfect timing.

• 1:29:26Speaker 01

  I have two big German Shepherds.

• 1:29:27Mel Robbins?

  Oh, you do? Okay, I gotta bounce. Hold on. All right, great, let's have lunch.

• 1:29:32Speaker 01

  That was so fun. Thank you.

• 1:29:33Mel Robbins?

  Oh my God.

• 1:29:36Speaker 01

  That was so much fun. Thank you.

• 1:29:37Mel Robbins?

  That was so incredible.

• 1:29:42Mel Robbins?

  Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.