Bad Friends
Hosted by Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
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13,737 words · 3 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
Hello.
Hello, mate.
My.
Beans on toast. We're coming to London, England and Dublin, Ireland.
Right. London, England, Dublin, Ireland. July 18th and July 19th for Ireland.
That's right. 18th in London, 19th in Ireland. You guys come out and see us. Go to badfriendspod.com.
Ticks are going fast.
They are going very fast. Dublin's about to shell out.
Shell out.
So, July 18th to 19th. Go to badfriendspod.com.
What is this shirt that you got in Australia? Look at Bobby got a shirt in Australia.
It's a stress, dude.
You cannot fit in this.
Why can't he fit in it?
Dude, this is just.
He's saying that I'm fat.
I think you fit in that easily.
Thank you, Benny.
What are you talking? Do you actually think he can't fit in it?
No, dude.
Put it on.
A part of him.
This is.
No, I think it looks exact. No, look at this. You clearly can't fit.
I think he can first. Why do you have to do it off?
Do it on.
Do you have movies?
On, on, on. On, on.
On, on. Oh, you look great.
Ozempic.
Are you on Ozempic?
He is.
Actually?
Yeah.
Why are you on Ozempic?
He's on the other one.
I'm fat, Benny!
So you could fit in the shirt you bought?
That shirt was $9,000. So it's gotta fit.
Okay, let's see. It fits. It fits perfectly.
Fits good.
It's perfect.
Wow, dude. Correctly.
I like it.
I'm gonna wear it too now.
Wait, are you actually on Ozempic?
Yeah, I am.
Really?
Not Ozempic. He's on the other one.
Manjaro.
We gave it, no, Wugovy. No, but I was on Ozempic.
What's Wugovy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wugovy? No, there is no Wug. You just made up Wugovy.
No, Wugovy.
Hey dude, we're not as successful as you. We can't afford premium brand.
What are you talking about? That shirt was $9,000.
I know.
It was $9.
So Benny, the reason why, because a girl told me I was fat and I was, and I was, she was not attracted to me when we were making out and I had to lose the weight.
Why do you keep going like this with your hair?
Because I'm emo, dude.
And you're a musician, so I'm just trying to be cool, cool, dude.
Okay.
What's up, man?
It's very difficult to get comfortable in this chair.
That's the point of the chairs. I love those pants.
Thanks.
Are those, are those cowhide?
No, they're, they're, uh, they're, I was shopping with my fiance at.
At what? Now he's changing again?
It's continuity.
No, we were just saying.
We go over.
Why does everyone have to use these mics? Why can't they find a better system?
This is one of the best mics in the game.
You've been complaining since you beat it, Benny.
Canned.
What are you complaining? I wanted you to put on your shirt and I thought you looked beautiful.
Oh, yeah. Thank you so much.
Wait a minute, you don't like these mics? As someone who is a professional.
No, I do like these mics, but I did, I don't understand why there's not a version at this point where it's like, we're like, hands-free. Well, we already are hands-free.
Yeah, we are.
We're like, but we're like, there's nothing in our face. We're not wearing a headphone, like, we're just talking in a room.
You don't have to wear headphones, but this is how we hear each other more crisp and you can hear the levels if we play video.
I know what Benny's saying. What, you're saying like a lav mic or something? Or like maybe a mic here?
Yeah, yeah, maybe just something simple.
Right. Benny, what's it like having, um, a super famous fiance?
Very good.
Can you go to, can you, wait, wait, wait, can you go to, um, a mall? Like, can you go to the Beverly Center with her?
No.
You never, try.
No, like.
Let's try.
Well, you don't go to the Beverly.
Well, I know, I know.
Well, okay, okay, here's, here's, here's what it is. She's like a homebody, like, her favorite thing to do.
Let's not talk about a woman's body on this show, dude. That's so diminutive.
Your wife's body is insane, man.
I know, I'm shaming.
No, the.
Her body's like a house. It's a big burly house.
She, uh, no, she just likes to chill at home.
So do you, though.
Yeah, yeah, I'm like a big chill. Like, I don't want to go to like, uh, like, we're not going to, like, we want to, like, chill at.
That's us every night.
Every night I go there.
All I want to, like, I want to, I want to, I want to relax at home with, like, my friends and, like, drink wine and like, you know what I'm, I, I feel like, I think, I think I'm just getting, no, I think I'm just getting old. Like, I think I'm getting older.
What are you, 35?
36.
Wait, are, are you, are any of you guys sober?
No, you're not.
I'm, I'm in the program.
Okay, okay, okay.
Are you in the program?
I'm not, I'm not, but, but some of my fam, some of my, no, some of my family. I just want to say, so like.
I do, I have powers too, dude.
Okay? I don't have Selena Gomez power, but I have my own power, dude.
Okay, okay.
He is Hector Gomez, the guy that works right outside.
Yeah, dude.
The guy we buy fruit from.
He works at Pep Boys, dude.
Okay, okay, no, no.
I'll change your tires.
Yeah, go ahead.
I don't even know what I was talking about.
Yeah, you do.
Oh, oh, oh.
Alcohol, okay. When I was like, until like thirty-one, I could drink the entire night, sleep zero, wake, go to bed at 5:00 AM, wake up at 6:00, like, work a full day. Now I have like two drinks and I feel like hungover for three days. Mmm. Yeah. I, I, and I just can't, I can't take it.
Why don't you get in the program? He's in the program, get in the program.
Also Benny, check this out, I'm fifty-three.
See this right?
You're fifty-three?
Yeah, thank you.
You look so young.
Thank you Benny. See this right here?
That's a gun.
Do you see it?
Right?
Yeah, what?
No, it's not a gun, this is a gun.
Okay, what's, what's this?
This hurts.
Going in your ass?
No, no, no, I'm just saying, I was trying to make a point that everything hurts.
Yeah, I should have done that.
Why didn't you just show?
Ah, you're right, you're right, you're right. I should have just done this.
Every, yeah, why did I do that?
I don't know.
That's insane, like, are you sure that you're like feeble and crippled at this point? Like, what?
No, what I'm saying is that you get arthritis.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? And your body just breaks down, so, and I, and I'm sober, and it happens. In fact, I had my, um, three-year A A birthday Saturday, and nobody
Cam.
texted me in this room.
Do you know, do you know why?
Why?
Because you've had a lot of sober birthdays.
We've had to change the date seven times.
I know, but
Remember this trophy we gave you for kicking at the habit in twenty-twenty-two?
So, you know what I mean?
I relapse too much.
Yeah. It happens, it happens.
Well, Benny, Benny is
It does.
I come from, my family is
He's a child of fetal alcohol syndrome.
No, I'm
I can tell already, hell. I can tell already, dude, just don't bring that up.
Don't I, don't I look insane?
Can I clear the air?
Benny and I have known each other for so long.
And that is, and you're my dog, and I love you. And when you did my show, and I asked about Selena, the internet got so mad, they thought I was picking on you. I was like, we were teasing each other. People were like, don't be fucking mean to Ben.
I don't read any comments.
The fans came at me, dude.
My fans are crap.
Dude, not your fans, first of all, they're your fucking Weiss fans. You nerd.
I mean, when you're married to Selena, oh, you're married?
No, I'm engaged.
Engaged. Does that make your upper lip moist? Cause your upper lip right now is so moist.
Dude, he chapsticks a lot.
You do? Why?
You don't be- because I have to now.
I have to have the upper lip that's moist.
Dude, that's so funny. He's right.
When you start dating someone hot and famous, you have to have moist lips.
Look at all the hot guys. They always have moist lips.
I gotta have moist- what am I supposed to do? My lips are supposed to look like an asshole?
Right, right.
Like, just be cracked and- what are you doing?
He's moistening, dude.
It's not- it's not making them moist. Now you- oh, you look insane.
Whoa, hold on one second. Are you- hello, Sydney Sweeney?
Yeah, Bobby Lee's right here. Oh my- whoa, that's all it took.
It works, right?
Are- are- are you in a relationship?
That's bullshit, dude. He knows I can't- no one wants to fuck me.
Shut up.
What do you mean no one wants to?
Nobody wants to fuck me. You're bringing it up. Why? Because you're with Selena?
I think you're so cute.
Dude, okay, I'm gonna say something right now and we're not gonna bring it up again.
I'm so tired of this.
I know, but I'm tired of it too.
What is it?
Because you're so loved.
Well, I'm tired of it too.
Right now.
Yes.
Benny.
Right now, what I'm doing is I've talked to my therapist and I'm gonna spend the next six months to a year completely alone.
Because.
Celibacy?
So, no dating at all?
Yeah, and I'll tell you why. It's just not happening.
That's not-
No, no, I'm meeting people, right? But it's just like, I, you know, I wanna be able to click like this guy and ride on a unicorn.
What- you deserve to be on that unicorn.
Thank you so much.
I like the way you did that.
Okay, I'm- I'm-
I can't do that because I'm stuck in a plastic chair in between a, like, here's my unicorn.
Now, if I'm a unicorn, right, where am I on the unicorn?
Can I be honest? That doesn't look like a unicorn at all.
No, no, he's on- no, he's on-
Korean unicorns are different.
No, no, no. I don't think it's- I don't think that's the unicorn. I think that's him on top of the unicorn.
Why are your arms hurt? Is this because arthritis?
Yeah, why?
Yeah, arthritis.
What's wrong with your arms? And why have you been out of breath? Like, like-
I smoke cigarettes.
So, you're just out of breath all the time?
This fucking guy- why does everyone come out here?
I'm not saying-
Nipicking-
I just wanted-
All my frailties.
Okay, wait.
I'm a unicorn. Where am I on the unicorn?
What happened to your other arm?
I'm going left.
I'm going left, dude.
He's never going right.
Anyway, I'm, I'm sitting on the, I'm sitting on the horn.
You haven't found the one.
I'm sitting on the, I haven't, yeah, yeah.
You deserve the one.
Anyway, so go ahead, what's, what?
What?
What's the question?
This is your date.
What's the rest of the date? What's the rest of the fucking date?
Well, it's the get to know you portion of the date.
Get to know her, she's right there.
Oh, really? Yeah, so, um.
Hi, my Riot profile's set to 20.
I know, but I'm assuming it's 30.
So, um, hey, Kana, Kalaya? No. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Right, right. Hi, Mayo. Would that be a good name?
Mayo.
Mayo? Hi, Mayo.
Hi.
Hi, Bobby.
I would probably do a joke like, do you like Mayo?
Bobby, that wasn't funny. Bobby, Bobby, can you keep going?
I know, I'm drowning.
I like this girl.
I'm already drowning. I'm already drowning.
Bobby, can you keep going?
Yeah, I'll keep going. So, Mayo, um, are you LA raised, born?
Good.
Am I, uh?
Raised or born?
I was born in Tallahassee.
Tallahassee, New York.
Yeah, Tallahassee, New York.
Tennessee, New York, yeah.
In Florida?
Oh, I love Florida.
Oh, you do?
So, how long you been in LA?
Bobby, I get asked this on every day.
Oh, forget it.
Um, what are your dreams?
My dreams?
It's getting better.
Ooh, I like that.
Well, I kinda wanna be...
You're not gonna make it.
I'm not?
Yeah, I don't think you're gonna make it.
Can I get you guys something to drink?
Oh, hi.
Oh, my God, you look so hot.
Cut it out.
Jeez, oh, my God, are you doing your Leo face?
Hey, Mayo.
What, yeah?
What the fuck you doing?
Whoa.
No, what do you mean, whoa?
That's weird.
What? Oh, I bring you on a date, you, this redheaded fucking thunder stick.
Man, man, man. Is this guy bothering you?
He might be a little.
I'll throw him out.
You will?
This is not how you want the date to go, sir.
Fuck you, sir.
Fuck you.
You know what? Mayo, I'm gonna go grab you.
I'm gonna grab you by the shoulder. Get in the car!
Oh, my God, dude.
Right? We're going to where you deserve to go, Shake Shack.
Oh, I love Shake.
Now, we're in Shake Shack.
That's actually cool. Is, it does, okay, now, when you're at Shake Shack, is he coming?
Yeah, of course he's there.
Okay, okay, okay. You guys want something to drink?
Yeah, yeah.
He just works, he works at every restaurant. Yeah. And I'm like, and I'm like, oh my god. Hey.
No, well, I ask about, you know, who they are, they're what they're, I, what I'm trying to get to is if there's like, if they're damaged.
If, and you, you wanna stay.
I wanna see if there's trauma, no. If there's like some sort of deep trauma going on, you know what I mean? If they have a dream here in LA, you know, can they make it? Cause if they can't make it, I don't wanna do it.
How do you know, how do you? How do you know?
Because I'll, I'll go on your Instagram.
It took you like forty years to make it. It takes everyone so long.
You can, Benny, let me ask you something. You know, you're a producer, right?
Right? You can hear it. When, when you, if you saw a girl's Instagram and saw her singing, would you be able to, can you tell?
Well, I don't know.
Yeah, yes, you can. Benny, look at me.
This is, you're, you're now a singer? I thought she was a boom mic.
Oh, what?
Made of sand.
No, but what I'm saying is that can't you tell as a stand-up if a, a, a girl, if she's at the open mic level, that she can, may or may not make it?
You can usually tell a stand-up if they're gonna, if they're gonna grow, if they're gonna grow.
Exactly.
Usually you'll, you'll know if they're, you don't know. So you want someone to grow with you?
No, I just wanna be able to look and she, at least she can, you know, she has the ability to make it.
Okay. Sure.
I don't like when people are like, I'm, I'm a good singer, and then they can't, and that means a delusion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't want delusion.
You don't want, okay.
No delusion.
I want a good family upbringing.
Okay, delusion, boom mic.
Yeah, boom mic.
Wait, but.
Not delusion.
Family upbringing, though. This is, I always talk about.
Oh, Benny.
No, no, cause my mom, my mom always said, my mom always says this. She always says, she's like, but, you know, before, before I started, you know, dating Selena, she would always say, I want you to be with someone from a good family. And then, I don't agree with that. My mom was from a shitty family. Like, my mom has a terrible parent. I don't, you don't get to choose who your parents are. Sometimes your parents are dickheads. I don't know, I don't believe, I, I believe that they should have like, a, a, a close relationship with like someone in their family, but I don't think you have to be best friends with all your family. It's great if you are, it's fucking amazing. But most people's parents are divorced. Most people, you know, they're, I don't, I don't know. Your parents aren't divorced. My parents are both, are the divorced. Oh, they are? They are the divorced. Do you talk to your dad? I, I speak to my dad.
You heard a daddy issue come out.
Yeah, I saw it. I saw it. I wouldn't date you.
I'm mayo.
I know, but mayo, check this out, okay?
Yes. Stop pointing at me when you talk to me.
What's wrong with you?
No, he has arthritis.
Arthritis. Yeah.
If they're in a, let's say their fa- family died in a fire.
Can I be honest with you guys? I have to go back to the kitchen. Can I get your drink order? Cause I need.
No, no, no.
I've been waiting here for far too long.
No, we have our order. Just give us a second.
Get this out of.
I'll wait here.
I have like five other tables.
If your ba- if your parents were, died in a fire.
Right? And then years later, I want to take you camping.
Right? And I light a campfire. You might have PTSD from it. I don't want that.
You go camping?
He does.
I do.
You actually camp?
Big camp guy.
You've never camped before?
I actually did a couple of months ago.
No, he did. He does.
And what did you think?
Hated it.
Oh, okay.
But he doesn't.
But you want to know that if you do go camping and you light a fire, your imaginary mayo girlfriend won't have trauma from that.
This all adds up to me.
It all adds up. You're, you guys know what I'm saying? You want to know?
He's not, he, he's not at the date in.
He's in my waiter, Benny.
You're just keeping.
He's the waiter, Benny.
He just has to stay here?
I don't have a choice.
He does tip me very well.
I guess so. Yeah, okay.
What, what are you, some of your checkmarks?
Okay, I had, I had a.
Give me your checkmarks.
Okay, okay. I did, cause before, before, um, I met Selena.
Uh huh.
I, well.
How'd you meet her?
We had, we had known, we've known each other for like 15 years. But I'm saying, before we started dating, I remember, I remember being like, fuck, like, I keep doing the same thing over and over again. Like, I'm just dating, I'm doing this. And, uh, my therapist was like, you gotta make a checklist. He was like, you gotta make a list of the things you want and need. And I had a checklist and, and, okay, you, you want to know what mine were?
Super famous.
Yep.
Very rich.
Hispanic for some reason.
Hispanic.
For a good reason.
Hot.
Yep, okay.
Empathetic.
Did you say pathetic?
Oh, I was like, what the fuck?
Yeah, empathetic.
And pathetic.
Uh, and tinier than you.
That was all of them.
What was the checklist?
That, that was it.
No, really, what was?
Um, no, the checklist was, uh, I wanted, I said 30 or over for me.
Right.
30 or older. That's what I wanted at the time. That's, that's how I felt. 30 plus. I um, I wanted someone who was passionate about something. Enough to make money or anything, just that they have a passion and they're going towards something.
I like, I don't care what it is. Like if they were like, I'm, I do those little paper football things and I'm the best at flicking it through the, like this. I would say, you keep doing that, babe. You may, whoa, hey, this is my dream woman. I didn't get mad at you when yours was mayo made of sand. Okay.
All right, Benny, this is how Koreans, when they listen, that's what the face they make. Watch any movie.
So true.
Watch Parasite, re-watch Parasite.
That's everyone in Parasite.
Thank you so much, Andrew, for defending my culture.
It is true.
Is he the waiter or is he Andrew again?
He's, he's still the waiter.
I'm Andrew the waiter.
Yeah, Andrew the waiter. All right, so keep going, like, because I'm learning from you.
Okay, and I wanted someone who was, I wanted someone who was, uh, who was kind. And like, who actually like, like, Selena's incredible. When I wake up in the morning, I know what's going through her head. And now, now what's going through my head too is like, how can we make like today, like the best day for both of us? Like, like she's thinking about me and she's thinking, and I feel like a lot of times in relationships, I felt like I was always giving and I wasn't getting what I wanted in return. And she's so thoughtful, so caring, so compassionate. So I really wanted someone like that. I, I basically manifested the perfect person for me. And I wanted.
Manifest?
That's what I want too!
Yeah, you gotta make. Let's go down your realistic checklist. What was your first date like?
Uh, our first date?
Our first date was insane. Okay, so I didn't know we were on a date. Okay, so here's what happened.
Here's what happened. We had like left, we, we, we left the studio one day, we start texting and.
So you're producing her album?
I produce, I produced with her, um, and I have for years, for years, for 10 plus years.
So you guys are in the studio. What about this?
Yeah, yeah, I was, I was chicken, chicken. Yeah.
And she's like, I don't like that sound, how about that?
Oh, you're listening to stuff?
So, okay, go ahead, and then your afterwards, go ahead.
Okay, so afterwards, she texts me, or no, I texted her. And I was like, oh my God, I was like, uh, I was like, what a great set. I forget what happened, something. And then we start texting back and forth and I'm busy that night and, and we're just texting back and forth and, and yeah.
Real quick, is there sexual, when you worked with her before, was there some sort of sexual tension?
There's never been sexual tension.
So you never even thought about it?
No, I never, we've always been in relationships. We've always like, there's, there's always, there's, we've never even been single at the same.
Professional mode, always.
Okay, so, so we start like texting and somehow we start sending like selfies back and forth.
Oh, that's how it starts.
It was like a selfie thing.
And, um.
You guys are giggling.
There was, there was giggling, but I wasn't thinking of anything. I was just like, oh, I'm just like, we're working on a song, it's cool. And then she was like, uh, you wanna, you wanna get some food tomorrow? And so, okay, so before, while we were at the session, I was talking, we were talking about our dating lives. And I was like, oh my God, I know so many great guys. Why don't you like, come to our house one day and like, we'll have like a dinner and you can meet some people. Like, I literally wasn't even thinking about it.
Zocdoc.
Ow, ow, ow.
What's going on, your throat, your throat's broken?
Oh yeah, my throat's broken.
Oh my God, his throat always breaks.
And as a podcaster, I need my throat to work.
Yeah, I, I have a recommendation.
Oh, Zocdoc.
You know what it is?
Free app and website?
Yeah, that one.
Yeah, where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment.
That's right, guy.
Oh, wow.
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Let me guess some of the bands that were on their wall.
Go ahead.
Thin Lizzy.
Oh, why not?
Yeah, dude. The Pesh Mode.
Duran.
Duran Duran.
No, just Duran.
Oh, just Duran Duran wasn't there?
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Or use code BADFRIENDS at the checkout to get 25% off for one display, 32% off for two to three displays, 36% off for four or more displays. Display, collect your passions! So she decided to come over and I was like, oh, my friend has a birthday party. Let's go get some drinks first. We went to my friend, my friend has a bar called Stir Crazy. It's like a wine bar. We like went there first and then we went to Jitlada, was where my friend was having, you know that place?
Yeah. What is it?
It's Thai food.
You never invite me to Jitlada?
It's delicious. Jazz, she runs it.
I love jazz. I love jazz too.
No, her name is Jazz.
Okay. Keep going.
Do you like it? Stop getting so horny. We're like.
I'm a hard.
So hard?
Keep going. Jazz, Thai food, my favorite.
Okay, so we're just sitting there and then she's like, uh, oh no, first we're at the wine spot. And she said, oh my God, if this was a, if, if, uh, uh, she was like, man, I would have worn something different for this date. And I was like, I was like, we're on a date? And then she was like, what? And then I was like, and I was so confused. And then she didn't bring it up again. And then we're like hanging, having the best time. She leaves the day, like she leaves the dinner party and it was with other people. She leaves kinda early. She's like, I got a video shoot. I gotta do something early. And I was like, oh, okay. And then she texts me. She's like, I haven't had that much fun in so long. Then, um.
Are you, no.
I still don't, I'm not like putting.
Dude, this guy, he's like having sex with her. He's like, is this a date?
This is a date, right?
Yeah, I'm so clueless.
Wow.
So then we're on our, we're, we're like second date, we're, we're just chilling at my house.
Who organized the second date? You said come over?
I think she was like, let's hang out again. It was so casual and it was so, and I was like, I'm so, I'm so dumbfounded that she could ever even like me. Then I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah, let's hang out again. So, so we're, we're, we're at my house and we're playing this like little game. And it's like these cards you pull out.
It's so funny that you say that.
I, I, that was a, we go, we burp.
Wegovy burp.
Sorry, it was.
That should be a question for Wegovy.
I had an injection yesterday.
Did you?
What is Wegovy?
It's the same thing as, um.
Ozempic and Manchara?
Where, where does it?
It's like dip sick is the Chinese version.
Dip sick?
He gets Wegovy from overseas.
How long have you been Wegovy-ing?
Two months.
No, it's more than that.
Three months.
And, and how much weight have you lost?
Fifteen.
Almost 20 pounds.
Yeah, fifteen.
And what, how, when will you do it till, till you have no torso left?
No, I wanna look, I wanna look, I wanna look like, um, Steven Yeun.
I was just about to say that.
Tell them what you told me in Australia.
What'd I say?
What are you gonna get?
Oh yeah, a six pack.
You're gonna get a six pack, he's gonna get buff.
You are?
Yeah. He's gonna get super.
Are you working out?
No. You don't need to work out.
Well, Govey literally does all that for you.
Well, let's go, let's go back to you and Selena because I just, it was a side.
Second date, she comes over to your house.
Second date, she comes over to my house, we're playing the game. There.
How many people are there?
No, it's just me and her.
Oh my god.
It's just me and her and then.
And still in this moment, I'm just like, I'm like,
I'm not even thinking about it like that for some reason.
Hmm.
She's at my house, there's this game and in the game it says, take a selfie with the person next to you. No, I was the only one next to her. So she like comes up towards me and like is on my chest and takes a selfie and then I was, and I said, oh my god.
And then I turned.
Oh my god, what?
Let him do it.
Oh, sorry.
And I was like, oh my god. And then I just kissed her immediately and that was our first kiss.
It has to be a 95%, you know what I mean? You have to be 95%.
Higher.
99% sure.
With Selena Gomez, you do.
With Selena Gomez.
The how did you know it was 99%?
I felt it.
When you feel it, you feel it.
Yeah, I felt it.
Yeah, he felt it.
You're acting like you've never kissed a person before.
I have, I have.
We're getting there.
No, I have, but also 99%.
Yeah, you can't be, you can't be, you can't be 80% sure.
Do you?
If she would have went like this, if she would have went and turned away, is that the, is the working relationship done at that point?
No more songs?
No, I don't think so.
No, I think we just talk about it.
But you would have to apologize like, I'm sorry, I read it wrong?
I guess so.
Yeah, I guess. Have you had to do that before?
You've read it wrong?
I read it wrong, yeah.
That's never happened to me before. Wait, wait, have you, have you read it wrong many times in your life? No.
Like one time I read it wrong.
No, it was more than one. I know it's more than one.
Twice.
You're lying. Nope, you're still lying.
Five times, five times.
Five times.
No, maybe still lying.
Every time, every time I read it wrong.
Not every time. I think there's, I think there's six to eight in your life.
You know what, Benny? Your tone today?
It went, dude, it went from like equal grounds to like you being like them.
No, I have you on a roller coaster.
Yeah. I'll defend Bobby again. You know why? You know why? Do you know why he reads it wrong sometimes?
Cause Bobby lives in the moment. He flies free and beautiful.
Exactly. On the unicorn.
He's the unicorn. And so therefore, he's living in the moment. He assumes, let me try. And if he reads it wrong, he says, I'm so sorry.
I thought you thought I was wonderful. And she said, no, I'm not sexually attracted to you.
Hi, I'm not sexually attracted to you. Will you be my friend?
Alright, guys, honestly, can I take your drink order at this point?
Yeah, no, no. We have our appetizer. We're gonna work on the appetizer for a second. We have to discuss this first.
You come here every week. You know the menu.
I know. There's only two things on the appetizer, but you know what I mean? We're not gonna get both.
So after, after the kiss though, that was it. That was off to the races.
We hung out constantly.
Oh, can I ask you this before? You're not getting into.
Did the, just, you don't have to get into specifics, right? But did the kiss lead to more that day?
It did not. It did not.
When did that happen?
She, she's, he wants to know date and time.
No, I don't want to know date and time. I just eventually like, and I don't, don't get specific.
When did you guys start dating then?
Immediately.
That's what, that was the.
Did you spend every day together?
No, because we're both so busy.
Mm.
Um, but very, very quickly, we realized, you know, when like you first start dating someone, you're like, oh, I can't give them all my time. But then very quickly, like, it's like, oh, I have an hour free here. I'll hang out with them. Oh, I have this time here. And very quickly, we realized that we were. I have a go for you.
Very quickly, I realized we were like inseparable. And, no.
In love?
Yeah, and I met my best friend.
Who said, who said I love you first?
She did. She said it so many times by mistake even.
What do you mean? Just like on a phone call, like, all right, love you, bye?
She was getting like, uh, uh, um, I forget, she, she was getting like dental work or something. Something happened and she was like a little woozy and, uh, as she was coming to, she was like, I love you. And I was like, and I, and I, and I, and I, I was so scared.
Can't say it at dental work, yeah.
I didn't say it back, I didn't say it back. And then one time, she was, her and Taylor Swift were at a sushi restaurant and they were sending me a voice memo. And they were like, oh my God, this is so much fun. We miss you. We wish you were here. And she's like, and she was like, we love you. And then just like, she literally said, we love you. And then it was like, and then it ended. And then, and then, I was waiting, I, I knew we were taking this trip to New York. And I was like.
First class?
No, no, no, no.
He flies private.
No, I don't even fly.
He, he drives. He drives to New York.
I don't like planes. I don't like planes. Do you take planes?
You.
Southwest, baby.
You like Southwest?
Every, every time this guy has to go to New York, he has to drive. He's like, I'll be there in three days.
Yeah, I drive. I do. I take a boat to Europe.
Are you being real?
I'm being for real.
There's no way.
I swear.
You will get nothing done.
I swear, I take a fucking boat.
So you don't fly ever? Be honest with me.
I haven't flown, I haven't gotten on a plane since two, oh, I got on a plane, but I got off of it. I haven't successfully flown on a plane since 2018. And before that, 2015, before that, 2009.
So you really drive to places?
Yes, and I take a boat. But I just decided two days ago that I'm gonna fly again.
Good, thank you.
I just decided, I was in the, I was in the shower and I was sitting on the ground in the shower. I sit on the ground every time I get in the shower.
And I said, how old, I said, how, what?
That's funny? Yeah, it's insane.
It's insane.
You don't ever sit on the ground in the shower?
What? No, in the bathtub?
In the tub?
No, no, in the shower, sit on the ground, let it wash over you. Sometimes I, sometimes I actually lay down and let the water shoot into my asshole.
Oh.
You never do that?
Never did that before, yeah.
You've never done?
This is what producers do.
I literally feel like it.
Him, Rick Rubin, that's just, yeah. Quincy Jones, yeah, that's a Quincy Jones move right there, dude.
You let it go right in your butt?
That's where all the good ideas come from. It feels so, okay, so I was just sitting in the shower and I was like, how old am I? I'm thirty-six. And I said, fuck, I said, you know, someone died recently and they were like ninety. And I was like.
Jimmy Carter?
I was like, that's.
A hundred, a hundred years.
I was like, I was like, shit, I'm only gonna get to live my life like two more times. I was like, I'm gonna die and I'm not gonna get on an airplane. I was like, I should just get on an airplane, cause I might die on that, I might get cancer tomorrow. I might, I don't know.
When's the last time you were in New York? Two thousand eighteen?
No, I was in New York like a, like a month or two ago.
And you drove there from L.A.?
I was in New York in December and I'm going back in two weeks.
And you're driving there?
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah, I guess. I thought you were kidding, dude.
Do you still wanna date me?
I'm ma, I'm ma.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, ma, for your ma. So.
Is the fear of, is it because of death?
I'm becoming more attracted to you.
Oh, it's working, it's working. See, dude, you wear him down.
No, no, does that work, wearing down? Be honest, be, be your truth.
Wearing down helps.
I think so. I don't know, I don't know if you wanna be like, we fell in love cause I wore her down.
Yeah, but you wore, I mean, in many ways, you wore Selena down, no?
I mean, you were working together for years, right? So you had that friendship trustworthy.
There was no trying, though.
Alright, so I'm not gonna try.
Yeah, just go on friend, maybe just go on friend dates.
Anyway. I don't know, I don't know yet. I don't know yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna die soon.
What's the special today, sir?
Oh, today?
Crab, it's crab rangoon.
Uh, and then crab rangoon with like a, a house made, uh, folle foie sauce. I don't know if you, you probably not traveled, I don't know. Have you been to France?
I haven't.
Oh, how'd you get there?
Uh, I've been a few times by flight, but many times by boat.
Wonderful.
Mmm.
So you do fly, sir?
Uh, uh, before, I used to fly.
Wonderful. Uh, and for our main course.
Is gonna be a hand-caught squirrel, uh, squirrel loin.
And it's lightly seared. It's served, uh, pretty rare.
Do you have hedgehog?
Let me check with the chef.
See if we still have the hedgehog.
Cause you got it last week.
Yeah, I got it last week.
We might have run out, but I will check it.
We love the, um, the, the belly fat of that baby hedgehog. Oh my god, it melts right in your mouth. Please, could you check, please?
Yes, I will. One second.
Did, did?
Chef!
Did you, when you were younger, do you, are you finding it that you're getting girls easier now? Or when you were younger?
Bro. Do you find it easier now that you're fucking rich and famous to get girls? Versus when you were poor?
I, I'm all here with you, Bobby.
The way you laughed just now, dude, really pissed me off, bro.
It did?
That really was really annoying.
When you were poor in Chinese. Did it make you mad in real life?
Yeah, it did. Everyone laughing? Fuck off.
Did it make you mad in real life?
I was just trying, I was, I was being honest.
I know, Benny. I got, um... When I was 23 and I was performing as a, like an open mic'er is when I got the confidence.
To talk.
But before that, I was a virgin.
And now he's the king.
And now you're the king.
Mm-hmm.
Were you confident as a?
Yeah, he got blowjobs in high school.
Everybody got blowjob in high school.
Got blowjob in high school.
I never got one.
Not in high school?
I guess at 23, dude.
23 was first blowjob. Was 23 first kiss?
I mean, I kissed out a girl, I kissed out.
Kissed out?
She was knocked out. I kissed her out, dude.
He kissed her so hard.
Yeah, so I kissed a girl in high school. Her name was, um.
No need to say the full name.
Doesn't need that on the internet.
She's, why, why is she? Nothing happened. We just kissed. Why is that not a bad thing?
Because what if she doesn't want her name attached to that?
All right, Julie Maganol.
There it is. So you kissed Julie Maganol?
Yeah, Maganol. And then, um, then the next Monday, it was a weekend.
She denied it to everyone that she kissed me.
That's why I said you shouldn't put her full name in this.
And I remember thinking about it for years.
It hurt you.
Oh, my god.
Well, we've all had this moment. I had, okay, let's all give our embarrassing.
Okay, yeah.
I had one.
My freshman year of college, a girl lived literally two doors down. So gorgeous, like so cool, and we're all in like a little friendship circle. And then one night, I wrote her a note. Like, kinda like a confessional, being like, I have this crazy crush on you. And I was like, my heart, you know when your heart like hurts, it's beating so hard? And I slid it under her door. And then I went back into my dorm and I was like, fuck, was that stupid? Should I have not done that? Like, what, you know, like, and I just kinda blacked out and thought for like an hour. And I, my hand to God. I come, I go get something to eat from the commissary. I come back and she's down at the end of the hall with a group of like the other people at the end of the hall, like a girl and, and another dude. And they were laughing at the note.
No. Oh, that's so funny.
And that, oh. Fucking, no, that's so mean.
In your face, you fucking idiot.
Killed me. That killed me.
Oh, that's so sad. I'm so sorry.
It fucked me up so much.
Oh, my god. So there was a girl at the Addison Improv.
Oh, it hurt, that hurt.
She was a waitress.
And I, I opened it for Carlos Mencia back in the 90s. Right? And I hooked up with her. I had sex with her, right? Then years later, I ran into another comic and he's like, talking about her. You know what I mean? Yeah, he, she, she hooked up with all these comics. He listed the name. And I go, was I in the name, list? And he goes, no, she never mentioned you.
And I was so hurt by that.
That hurts.
Give me your hurt.
When I was 13, I asked out my first girl, okay? Like on a, on a date, my mom literally helped me. I got flowers and chocolates and I did everything. And, and I went to a school that like, it wasn't a great school. So, and there was like a lot of fights, there was a lot of bullying, blah, blah. And there was like a big locker commons. And there was like, you know, almost 2,000 kids that went to my school. And she was in the middle and everyone knew it was gonna happen. So I went and I did it. And she said yes, okay? So I'm like, oh, my, I'm like so happy. But we're so awkward and nervous, we like, don't even know. We did like this like weird church hug, like where your butt sticks out. And then like, we didn't look at each other.
And then we both walked our separate ways. And I was like, will you be my girlfriend? And she was like, yeah. And then I get to class and I sit down. And I remember I'm wearing gray sweatpants and a white t-shirt. And do you know? You know when like, okay, so I dropped a pen. And you know when like you bend over and you bend a little too quick and you fart?
Yeah, you did that.
I bent over and I shit my pants.
Full shit, full shit.
Didn't see that coming.
Did that go, yeah.
A hundred percent like, like not even, not like a squirt, like a full, like a, like that, like that smart water bottle.
Just like inside. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh my God. And I, and I do the thing where you like wiggle and I'm like, it's there, it's in there.
Oh my.
And I, and I'm like.
It's warm too, right?
Yeah, oh, it's so hot.
I do the thing where you wiggle? I don't, I don't, I have no reference to this.
Most people don't shit their pants.
No, what do you mean, yeah, yeah, yeah? You shit your pants before?
You see, wait, stop for a second. Did you just hear your tone?
We just met today.
And did you just hear your tone?
He shit his pants too.
I, I know, but I'm saying the way you talk to me though, is crazy dude.
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Yeah, okay, good.
Okay, so you wiggle, you feel it, it's warm. Back on track.
Wait, let's go back.
Have you shit your pants?
Many times, millions of times. He's seen me.
Yeah, I've been with them, it's been bad.
My Prius, remember the Prius?
Shit all over it.
So I shit my pants.
And I say, I say, "Hey, can I go to the bathroom?" And in my school, they don't let you go to the bathroom for the first 15 minutes or the last 15 minutes because they think everyone's gonna skip. Okay? And I was like, "I really have to go to the bathroom." And they were like, "No." And I was like, "I'm sick." And they were like, "I'm sorry, you're gonna have to wait." And I was like, "I have to go." And I was so scared that with any movement, any movement, if I moved the wrong way, it could like, break the seal through like the bottom of my sweatpants and it smells like I have no way.
Oh my god, oh my god.
And so I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm sitting there and I'm like, and I just get up and leave. I get up and leave.
That's the move.
And she says, and the teacher goes, the teacher goes, "Wait." And as she's saying, "Wait," I just turn to the girl and I say, I go, "I'll be right back." Um, and I, I close the door, the teacher's like coming out. I run full speed. Okay? I run to the bathroom real quick, see if I can fix the situation. It's unfixable. It's gone through my pants. It's in my, it's like, it's, it's, it's probably seeped through the other side. It's unfixable. I don't know. I, first I throw away the pants and they're still like, it, I, it cannot be fixed. So I run full speed all the way home, all the way home. And for some reason, my mom is-
Wait, wait, you left the school just running?
Yes. Are you fucking kidding me? I shit, and I lived close to the school.
Wait, in your underwear or what?
No, I had my, I had my sweatpants back on, no underwear.
And I remember I go home. I get home. Somehow my mom was there. She's never there. She doesn't even work. My mom worked in another state.
She's like, hi honey, the gardener's just leaving.
We don't have a gardener.
Yeah, I'm like, mom, we don't have, what? What's Bobby doing?
We're just friends. She's not sexually attracted to me. It's fine.
It's a, we're just, it's a running, it was a bit.
I don't like it, Bobby.
Drop it, drop it, drop it. I've been defending you all day.
Was your mom mad at you?
My mom immediately sends me back to school. Doesn't even let me change.
Well, you, you told her the situation?
Yes, and she said, I don't care. You're going back to school. She's at, she said, I said-
What's wrong with this woman?
What's wrong with your mom, dude?
She goes, get back, she's probably fucking the gardener.
She was like, get back to school.
So I had to go back to school.
No, you go in the forest.
I went, I went, I went, I went back to school and I, I, I had missed that period. And somehow, like, I, I had actually had like an extra pair of underwear in my gym, like, thing, because it was gym next.
And like, I, I escaped. It was all good. But it was, it was fully traumatizing.
Wait a minute. The girl never found out you shit your pants?
Never found out. But she did, but she broke up with me, I think, like, two days later.
She never found out?
Never found out.
You need to retell that story and say she did find out.
Okay. She found, she found out.
She found out I shit my pants.
How?
Well, I thought it was heroic, what I did.
I thought it was heroic.
No, you weren't, we did stories where we were embarrassed.
What are you talking about? I was so, it was the most-
She never knew!
She never knew. All that stuff just was meaningless.
So it doesn't-
You just give us a shit story. It wasn't even about heartbreak.
The shit section's at the end.
That's so, you, so, shit, but that wasn't heartbreak.
So you never experienced real heartbreak?
No, he's never had it.
He's never had it.
And that's why he gets Selena Gomez.
I know. We have had heartbreak.
We've had real heartbreak.
By the way, I asked out a girl, uh, I asked a girl to fucking spring or, not prom, but like spring or one of those things, and she denied me, no thank you, this is real, this feels good.
And then years later, hit me up online to come to like a show. I was playing a show in whatever city she lives in now, and hit me up online, hey, we can't wait to see you at the show, you know, can we get some tickets, dah dah dah? And I never responded, and it felt so fucking good.
To deny her, oh, it was such good payback.
Yeah, one time, I was at the San Diego American Comedy Company.
And the hot chicks from school, right?
From San Diego.
From my, my high school went. The ones that never even talked to me, right? And they're sitting there with their husbands, but they now all look like, you know what I mean, sperm whale.
I mean, they've got barnacles on their face.
Right? Just plankton all over, you know what I mean? It's like, they don't look good, right?
And they're just killing, you know what I mean? And I'm looking at them, it feels so good.
God, it feels good.
I love it.
It feels so good.
My friend has the best story of that I've ever heard. So my good friend growing up, we were all doing this thing. When you were younger, like, you know how like everyone's like first kid, well, you don't know this part, but, but, no, I'm just, I'm, I'm just saying, you said you didn't kiss when you were 23. I just said-
No, he kissed in high school.
Oh, you kissed, okay. So, do you remember?
It's unbelievable. It's outrageous.
It's, it's, it's, I've never seen it.
He's just trying to be relatable.
No, a big time producer comes in here and says, fucking, you know what I mean?
I've defended you.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
Well, keep, keep going.
We'll let, we'll let the crowd decide.
Oh, yeah.
Do you guys want to order your main course at some point?
No, we're gonna go to a restaurant.
What happened?
What would you like?
Mail, mail.
What, what do you want?
I like his little mail.
Yeah, so your friend was?
Okay, so you know when, when you're experimenting, everyone's like starting to experiment. We're all at one house together and my friend is about to get the first handjob. All of us.
Huge.
Nobody's getting a handjob. He's about to get the first one. I'm, I'm, I'm not gonna say his name or her name.
Famous person?
Out of, no, what do you mean?
This is back home when he was a kid.
I'm, I'm 13. I don't know, I'm not from LA. I don't know if, I'm from Virginia.
Oh, your attitude right now, Benny? Okay?
I'm sorry.
You hang out with the top. I'm sorry, I brought up that question.
I wasn't hanging out when I was 13.
Oh, that's right, okay.
Okay, so, so I'm 13. My friend's about to get a handjob in rural.
Is there flyers or how do you know?
Um, it, it, there's flyers, there's flyers. And he took the little thing that says handjob. Yeah.
And so, so he's about to get the handjob. We're all waiting outside the bathroom. They go into the bathroom, okay? And it's like, there's like rustling and then there's laughing. The girl runs out and she goes like this.
And he, and he says, and he's, he's mortified, mortified. Cause we were all figuring out, we're like in that stage where we're about to go through puberty. We not, we're not sure.
Like some of, some of us had like hair and like our dick was still small.
And she's a girl, right? So her pink is even smaller than a normal.
Yeah, it's very small. Asian girl, no less.
And he's, and he's, he's, he's traumatized. She leaves, everyone leaves. I said, you're gonna be fine. Nobody's even gonna remember this. We're gonna go to school tomorrow. Everything's gonna be perfect.
He kills himself, he kills himself.
We get into school, we get to school and there's a substitute teacher. And our substitute teachers were like so young. They were like college students. This girl's like 21 and I guess someone had told her the thing.
The sub?
The sub.
And the sub's just like, is Mark here?
Yeah. That's literally what she did.
She goes, she goes, is blank here? And he was so embarrassed. He even, I remember that day.
She did that?
Yes, I remember that day.
Subs are red.
We were at home, we were at home and he was contemplating changing schools.
Changing schools.
He should have done it.
Yeah. Genders.
Yeah, he's so close already.
I mean, fast, fast forward.
This man goes through puberty and his cock becomes huge.
Love this story.
Oh, I love this story.
Huge. He's got like a, he's got a fucking python in his pants. It's thick, it's huge.
How do you know?
He knows. We all know.
What do you mean, how do you know?
You know.
Yeah, everyone knows.
Everyone knows.
You know what you know.
Fucking know. Okay, so he's in college. He's at a party. Same girl.
No, perfect.
He fucks her.
Sends her to the hospital.
And she's like, ah, like at the, ah, ah. And he's like, and he, and he said it was like the best perfor- he's like, usually I'm terrible at sex. He's like, it was the best performance I had ever done.
And, and he said, he said, as he's leaving the next, and she's like, she's like, ah, like the next day he's, he's leaving and he just goes. As he walks out.
That's a movie. This is a movie.
That's it.
Never spoke to her again.
It's like that, um, how's them apples?
That's that, that scene.
I love.
Isn't that amazing? It's a true wonder story.
I've never had a wonder story. Have you ever had a wonder story?
You live a wonder story.
Yeah, what are you talking about?
Your life is perfect.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But not like that wonderful.
I know. We all know the guy. We had a guy in my high school named Kyle. I'm not gonna say his last name, but he, they called him the elephant. Cause he had a trunk in, in high school. He had, he had a cock so big in gym class, you know, like you put on the like school issued gym shorts? And I'm not kidding when I say, cause they were short back in the day.
His, his penis, if he didn't put it away, would come out of the bottom of the gym shorts. It was fucking unreal.
Here's another thing that I want to tell people right now. I'm glad we're bringing this up. Okay. And I would, it's just FYI, anyone that sees me at We Spa, right? Don't recognize me. What do you think? You know what I mean? I'm in this, you're right. You're in a steam room. It's steamy. Are you Bobby Lee? I like.
They say that to you?
And you were all naked, right? And I always have to go, not here.
Not here.
You say you're not Bobby Lee here, but you're Bobby Lee outside or just don't?
I'm Kim Jong here.
You're right. I'm Ken junk and then we'll go outside and Bobby Lee. My point is is that it's one of those places like when you're eating at a restaurant.
Where it's like you don't do it here.
When you if you're on a date or something.
Right, but do you think naked in a spa is not a good place?
It's not.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Just wait till we're wait till we're out of in the locker.
Right, right, right.
Might be number one.
Number one.
Not to get recognized.
Bathroom is weird too when I'm like pissing.
Where a guy like comes up and hits you on the back.
Touching touching you in the bathroom is insane.
I hate that.
A guy, you know what happened to me?
The other day, it's happened to me so many times. The guy's just pissing and starts talking to me and then after he talks to me, he gives me a high five.
With his dick hand.
Ah, not necessary.
It's not necessary.
Don't need to do that.
I get picked up.
Yeah, he gets lifted.
In the bathroom.
Like a trophy, no, anywhere.
Everywhere.
From behind, they're like, hey, you're and I won this or whatever.
Why do they pick you up?
I'm small and I look like I'm like I can be picked up.
He's pick up.
How tall are you?
Five, three, five, four.
You're five, five.
I'm I'm five, five.
Thank you, waiter.
Yeah, can I honestly get your drinks?
How tall, how tall are you?
Six, one.
Yeah, he's.
It's good.
You're good, that's that's good height.
Well, people always say, a lot of people always say from the internet, they always they don't know how tall we are because of the at the desks and stuff.
And then they see us together and they're like, oh, then I thought I thought you guys were the same size.
Do you know in real life, everyone says, you're so much shorter than I thought.
Yeah, because they only see you on a they only see you on on a screen, standing up.
You also look like Bob Dylan a little bit.
I do?
You should have done that.
A little bit.
Can you sing like Dylan? Come on.
Can't anyone?
No, not not like Shalhoub did.
See, I haven't seen the movie.
Did you see him on SNL?
Fucking kill.
I don't.
He needs to die.
Too talented.
Oh, the kid is fucking amazing.
He's so fucking amazing, he is likable.
Lovable.
Funny.
Good looking.
He can sing, play the guitar, I mean, act, what the fuck?
I saw him on, I like the call me by your name.
That, that, uh, the, that movie.
Movie from four years ago?
That was the one.
You didn't see the new movie he's in?
No, I didn't see it.
You didn't see the Dylan movie?
I didn't see it yet.
Dude, you're a musician.
You're, you're so, you're so.
I usually don't like those type of biopics. They're usually like, kinda corny.
Okay, I, I, I agree, right?
But this one's not like that.
This one is not fucking corny.
Did you see the Elvis one?
Did you see, um?
Elvis one was corny as fuck.
Okay, did you see it though?
Yeah, I saw it, but you're, he is right.
Did you see the Bohemian Rhapsody?
That's the one I saw and I was like, oh, I still can, I can, I'm like, I was right. I can't see these again.
Cause that one was a little corny.
Yeah, they're just like, they're, as someone who like, I really love like, all documentaries, like Dylan's documentary, incredible.
Incredible, you're right.
And I love, for me, it's just like, okay, the type of movies that turn me on and turn me off, like, I don't love, like, those like, super Hollywood biopic things. I don't love like, action movies. They're not like, my favorite type of.
What do you watch?
Nothing. Okay, I love like, I love a movie that's gonna like, rip my heart out, or I love like a.
Emilio Perez.
Yeah, no, I didn't, no, but I also love like, like, Force of George, Triangle of Sadness.
Force of George is so good.
Like, I love like.
Triangle of Faith, Sadness is good.
Yeah, yeah, I love those type of movies.
And I like, like, uh.
How about horror?
I do like, I like some horror.
And, and I like.
You're good.
And I really like, uh, what's it called? I, cause horror's different than action. It's like more, it's like, action's like, bleh, like, like horror, you're like, horror, you're like, whoa, like, they really did, it's not just like, like, a really good horror movie is like, so beyond.
It's a mindfuck.
Yeah, it's.
You've never seen Avengers?
Oh, you won't?
No, I've never seen anything.
You know any of the Avengers?
Name me an Avenger.
I've never, I've, don't even, I don't know.
But you gotta know one of them.
You gotta know the superheroes, your pop, pop culture. So name me, just guess an Avenger.
What do you mean, get, what?
Okay, you're, the, you're, okay, you're.
What's an Avenger?
You're Nick Fury, right? You're like, Samuel L. Jackson's character.
Who the fuck's Nick Fury?
He's just in it. You don't have to guess him, okay? I already just named him, right? And so, so now, you're, there's an emergency, right? There's like, Mexican aliens coming down.
Right, from the sky.
The Mexicans from the sky, right? You need to get the Avengers.
And you can hear their spaceship coming from a mile away.
There's a thousand of them.
And you're saying, you're saying who's the actor? You're saying who's the actor?
No, no, no, you have to call the actual superhero. So who you calling? I'm your sidekick. I'm your, I work for you.
Spider-Man? Is he an Avenger?
Yes, yes. Call Spider-Man, call Spider, yeah, call Spider-Man.
Okay. I've only seen one Spider-Man.
I know, let's go to Avengers, we're back to New York.
I don't know any Avengers.
Just try to guess, throw it out.
Okay, uh, the Hulk.
Yes, so you do know.
Yeah, you know. Wait, really?
I just guessed, are they actually Spider-Man and the Hulk?
They're in Avengers, yeah.
Yes, you could name any one of them, you'd probably get it right.
Get it right. That's it? That's all you know?
Oh, uh, Wolverine.
That's, he is Marvel Universe, not an Avenger.
I've, uh, I've, I've, I've only seen, um,
Copyright.
I've only seen, I think I've only seen one Marvel movie.
Which one was it?
Spider-Man then, it's gotta be.
Oh, is that Marvel? Okay, then I saw the original Spider-Man.
With Tobey Maguire?
Yeah, I saw that one. And then, oh, I've seen two. I saw the one, the animated one, the
open verse or whatever. I saw, I saw that.
Someone, some, I went with someone's kid to that one.
Let's clarify that story.
And then like, so, so obviously you've never heard, you've never seen any Star Wars or anything like that either then?
When I was a kid, I saw Star Wars in school. Like, we had to watch it in school, so.
But that's the only time you saw it?
Only time I've ever seen.
That's so fascinating.
I've never seen Lost, I've never seen.
That's nothing to do with fucking superheroes.
No, no, I thought JJ, JJ Abrams.
I never saw Glenn Gary Glenn Ross.
No, JJ Abrams made Lost. Yeah, JJ Abrams did make Lost.
He did Lost, yeah, yeah, you're right.
He made some Star Wars. Okay.
Oh, uh, okay. And then I've never seen, um, what's another big, one of those movies?
All right, so Lord of the Rings.
Never seen it.
Harry Potter.
I've never, I like Harry Potter.
I've never seen Game of Thrones.
Not one episode?
Uh, just one episode, when Ed Sheeran was at my house and he wanted to stream it because he was in the episode. It was the only episode I ever.
So, let's say I'm a girl, right? You break up with Selena, which is gonna happen eventually, but my point is that, and I'm like, I'm at your house, it's like, what do you wanna watch? What would we watch together?
Me and you?
As guys?
No, as, I'm a girl, it's, don't say that with some hot girl.
This is, this is mustard.
Yeah, I'm mustard.
No, Mayo's cousin, I would say.
Yeah, yeah. What would you watch?
I would say, let's watch a Mina Perez, I Miss My Wife.
Oh. She was good in that hurt.
Yeah, she's great.
You still have to suck him now?
She.
While you watch Amelia.
I can't even get a commercial agent.
Yeah, muster doesn't get a lot of work in this town.
And I love, I really love, like, the, like, slapstick comedy that's just gonna.
Oh, Naked Gun.
Yeah, I love that.
Airplane.
Yeah, I love that. And I also love, like, I love, like, like, like, early days of Seth was so good. I loved Superbad, all that shit.
All right, right.
Love that. And then, and then, yeah, otherwise I want to watch, like, indie, like, my mom took me, when I was a kid, I was watching, like, we were going to see, like, The Squid and the Whale, like, you know what I mean?
It wasn't like.
All right, how about, how about this? Have you seen all the way through Sopranos?
Of course.
Okay, don't fucking of course me, dude. You said a lot of weird shit.
Okay, okay. My family, my family, like, very important shows growing up that we, that we watched as a family, we watched, um, Sopranos, The Wire, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Seinfeld.
That's, that's great.
Those were, those were our, and my, my, my, my parents both have pretty good taste and stuff. I'm also obsessed with any mafia movie. So like, so like, I'm a.
Scorsese.
I love Scorsese, yeah. I was actually just rewatching, um, I had COVID like two months ago and was rewatching so many movies and I'm just like, oh, I'm just like, I forgot like how good Cape Fear was.
So good.
Oh my god. And I was just, I, I was going through, like, all my favorite movies and like, all like, you know, like, A Bronx Tale, all those old movies. Like, those movies are so perfect.
Bronx Tale's so good.
All of them, all of them.
What's your favorite gangster movie?
Probably either Casino or Goodfellas.
That's everyone's, that's everyone's too.
Casino.
Which one?
Casino more. Casino more. I just love.
I always loved.
What do you guys think of Untouchables?
It's good. It is good.
But it's not.
It's not, it's not at the level.
All right, let's end smoothly because he's gotta go.
Because the sweetheart's gotta go.
Okay, um, why are you looking at me like that?
I don't know what the.
He's a pro.
I don't know what the fuck you're doing, Benny. That's why I'm looking at you.
I, uh, I have an album coming out. With, with my better half, we're doing a joint album.
Clap more for her, not me.
Okay, okay, good. Good, yeah, don't clap for me.
Selena and Benny dropping an album.
What's it called? Selena and Benny?
It's called Selena and Benny.
Wait, wait, wait, let's guess the album.
Okay, okay. You guys, you guys each get three guesses.
That's impossible.
What do you mean?
Very, anything's possible.
It's, it's possible.
All right, Kentucky Lightning.
That's really-
How did he get it?
That's really good.
No, it's not Kentucky Lightning.
No, it's gotta be a duo name, it's her and him, so it's gotta be like, um...
Almond and Nutcake.
No, no, no, no, no, this is just our, you have two now, wait, this is just, it's the album title, we're, we're going as separate-
Yeah, we're doing album cover.
It's just the title.
So I gave two.
Yeah, don't give-
You give me one.
Now you give two.
Fontina Cheese.
Close.
Fuck.
Okay, you do one more.
Crush Veneer.
Can I do one more?
Isabella Isabella, not in this lifetime.
I like that one.
That's beautiful.
Pretty good, right?
Is that yours? Yours is That's Beautiful?
No, that was gorgeous.
Isabella Isabella, not in this lifetime, it's pretty good.
Your album is gonna be called, uh... Wunderment.
It's called, uh, I Said I Love You First.
Change It.
Change it to Isabella Isabella.
I do think that's better.
Can we change it?
I think you should change your album to, uh, Shit Pants and Gomez.
Which one's-
So when does the album drop?
Uh, I think it's already out by the time-
It's out right now.
It's out right now, go check it out on everything.
This is the future, so it's already out.
Well, this is, we are living in the future.
But i- is it hard to work with your fiance, or no?
He's been doing it for 20 years.
Um, is it-
No, no, no, but it wasn't-
Romantically.
It wasn't, yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't romantically before.
Well, what is it now?
Romantically? Um, no, but-
But it didn't change the work relationship.
Uh, well-
You guys just hook up mid-session?
Yeah, we're just mid-session hook up. No, uh, it's actually better because we can, I know her so well now, we can say, we can speak so freely to each other and like really, you know, if we're like sitting in bed, I'll be like, oh, actually that thing we did earlier, I thought it'd be better if we did it like this. And then she'll be like, oh, like I either like that or I don't. And we can just talk about it. Some things you might, you might walk on eggshells a little bit more when you're working with artists you don't necessarily know that well.
And I think it's so much better and we've been able to like, you can say whatever you want. Like you can talk about, there's no rule, like, it's like, you know how in comedy, like, you might say a joke that's something that you would never say in real life, but it's the art of the joke. That's why you're saying, like, it's not how you actually feel about a person, but you're saying it because you think it's funny.
And in music, it's the same thing. Like, you can say something, like, let's say I was talking about, like, someone from my past, or she's talking about someone from her past in a song. If you can like talk about that way more than like talking about, you know what I mean? Like, so it's, it's easy, it's like therapy. And it's, I, I, I found it to be much easier to work with her than I've worked with anybody else, I think.
Because-
Go listen to the album. That's, I mean, you sold me on it. I gotta tell you, shitpants, you sold me, bud.
Yeah. And we love you, and you're welcome back anytime.
Go check my new album, Isabella Isabella.
Shitpants? What is it?
Isabella Isabella.
I forgot.
You forgot?
Yeah, because I wanna say something real, though. Can I say something real to you, Benny?
Yeah, you can say something.
We didn't know much about you before. I really like you, man. He's a nice guy, intelligent. I think we have a lot in common.
I don't know about that one.
No, I think so too. We're, we're the underdogs.
We're the underdogs. And you're winning. And I love it.
You're winning.
Yeah, so give Benny a round of applause, everybody.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated