Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show Caller: “I Refuse to Date Women My Age” About this episode 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.
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A woman who feels excluded from her boyfriend’s social circle
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 I'm currently DJing and touring and traveling for work and most of my social circle date younger women. How do I avoid getting stuck in this like Leonardo DiCaprio cycle? How do I build a relationship where my traction grows and evolves instead of feeling like after start over once she turns 25?
0:29 Dr. John Delony? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Glad you're here. Glad you're here. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your families, your kids, your spouse, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love to have you on the show. Click the link in the show notes and we'll get you on. Let's go out to Los Angeles, California and talk to Kanal. What's up Kanal?
0:53 Speaker 00 Hey, what's up Dr. John?
0:55 Dr. John Delony? I'm good brother. How are you man?
0:56 Speaker 00 I'm 34 years old and I'm currently DJing and touring and traveling for work. So in most of my social circle, my DJ friends, nightlife guys and entertainers and being in Los Angeles date younger women for several different factors in regards to, I'm 34, I want kids when I'm like around 40 and stuff. So in around six years. So when I have dated girls my age, it's hard to, you know, they want, you know, commit, they want like kids right away or marriage, which I understand due to like biological timing and you know, their flexibility in marriage and timeline, how they envision it. But during the touring
1:40 Speaker 00 and you know, being a musician, which is another reason why I called, because I know you are a musician as well. So you would have kind of like a different input. But dating younger women kind of fits in my lifestyle because of the, you know, more openness and flexibility in regards to marriage, adventure and living in the moment, appreciation for maturity, ambition and opportunities to build a life together instead of already combining two established, you know, lives already. So, um, yeah. And also my parents have a 15 year age gap. And also I know my name's Kanal, but I'm not actually Indian. I'm Latino.
2:24 Speaker 00 Um, uh, and in our Latino culture, uh, it's fairly common to see kind of that age gap.
2:30 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, yeah. What's your last, uh, can, what's your last name? Can you say it?
2:35 Speaker 00 My last name?
2:36 Dr. John Delony? Okay, okay, nevermind. Don't say it. Don't say it.
2:38 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
2:38 Dr. John Delony? I was, I was gonna.
2:39 Speaker 00 Uh, Patel.
2:40 Dr. John Delony? No, no, I was gonna make.
2:41 Speaker 00 It's my Indian accent.
2:44 Dr. John Delony? Awesome. Well played. Well played. All right. So, um,
2:49 Dr. John Delony? I hear you tell me like 20 different things just then. What's your like real question?
2:54 Speaker 00 Yeah. So what I've noticed in like kind of the music industry and stuff and a lot of these guys, they seem to go through a pattern. Well, they'll have like a girlfriend for, for years and you know, the tour and everything, um, kind of gets in the way and stuff and then they'll, you know, start dating someone new. So my question is how do, um, how do I avoid getting stuck in this like Leonardo DiCaprio cycle? And is it a genuine preference or simply a product of my culture upbringing and lifestyle? And I do want to start a life, um, with a lifetime partner. So how do I build a relationship where my traction grows and evolves over time instead of feeling like I have to start over once she turns 25?
3:37 Dr. John Delony? I, the one, you talked around it, but can we also just say you're attracted to young women? Like aesthetic matters, see? Fair?
3:48 Speaker 00 Yeah. I mean, that's one of the reasons, but it's mainly because also, um, with my current travel schedule and everything and me wanting to settle down and get married in around six years when I'm 40. And I have tried dating girls my age and they want that like within two years.
4:06 Dr. John Delony? Sure, sure, sure. So here's, I want to clear the deck for you and you can go with me on this or not. Is that cool?
4:14 Speaker 00 Yeah, for sure.
4:15 Dr. John Delony? I'll just tell you, um, down the road from you, by a little more than a decade, and I'll, I'll say it this way. I'm right. You get to choose what you do next. Period.
4:29 Dr. John Delony? And if I have one recurring theme that I've heard from my musician buddies, from my comic buddies, from actor friends of mine, from people in the industry, in the entertainment industry is this one resounding statement over and over and over again. I can't believe I thought that was life. I can't believe I thought I was living life to the fullest.
4:55 Dr. John Delony? And they say that after they have their first or second kid.
5:01 Dr. John Delony? There is no crowd.
5:04 Dr. John Delony? There is no like this many streams. You know, you get that email, you get a text from your manager like, you got this many streams. There is no email.
5:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:15 Dr. John Delony? That compares to your daughter running in and going, dad's home. It doesn't, it doesn't compute.
5:22 Dr. John Delony? And so like my, my question for you would be, what is it you think's going to happen in the next six years? That would put off feeling anchored with a ride or die till death do you part?
5:37 Speaker 00 And that's exactly, I, I have heard that when you have your first born child. And that's exactly, cause I do kind of zoom out and I do see like DJs that are like further ahead and older. And I feel like I don't want to end up like that. You know what I mean? So.
5:57 Dr. John Delony? So you gotta make a choice now.
5:59 Speaker 00 Exactly. Yeah.
6:00 Dr. John Delony? And let me say this, I, I still run around at, at, I still run around at night. I'm probably in the comedy club two or three nights a week.
6:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
6:08 Dr. John Delony? And I'm on the road a lot, right? Like I'm still out. But dude, last night I, I drove over to my tattoo artist's house, to her and her husband's house. And my daughter was with me last night and it was about a 30 minute drive that way and a 30 minute drive home. I had to sign some papers over there for something. My daughter and I laughed so hard in that car ride there. And on the way back, we were talking so much trash. I, I wouldn't trade that hour I had with her for a, the best comedy set of my career. I wouldn't. It was so, it was, it was, I, I just, when I went to bed last night, I was like, dude, that was, that's life.
6:52 Dr. John Delony? And I know on this side of the equation where you are, that sounds so dumb. I totally get it, dude. I get it. And
6:58 Speaker 00 No, no.
6:59 Dr. John Delony? I love
7:00 Speaker 00 That sounds awesome.
7:01 Dr. John Delony? I like hanging out in green rooms. I like talking trash with other creatives. Like, that's one of my favorite things on the planet to do, in the world. And having a kid is boring. So dude, it's so boring. You can't even wrap your head around how boring it is sometimes.
7:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
7:21 Dr. John Delony? But it's, it's real.
7:24 Dr. John Delony? And, and even forget the kid part for a second. Um, my wife and my son have been out on, they're doing like a hiking trip right now with a, with a group, um, in Colorado. And they don't have cellphone access. This is the longest I've gone without even texting my wife, uh, maybe in a decade, maybe longer.
7:48 Dr. John Delony? What I would tell you is having an anchor point with a ride or die spouse.
7:55 Dr. John Delony? I, I, I can't not describe to you what an anchoring moment it is. You think you're good at DJing now? Wait till you have somebody that loves you even when your set sucks. Even when your label drops you, even when the big contract falls through.
8:11 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:11 Dr. John Delony? You know what I'm saying?
8:13 Speaker 00 Yeah. No, I, I totally get that. And like, I've always kind of like envisioned the escape plan. Like, I know you're saying do that thing now, which makes sense. Cause I've always been like, okay, like, once I hit 40, then I'll like instantly like drop everything. But I know it's easier said than done. And also I was like, kind of just like, go like cold turkey and just cut everything off. Once I hit that certain age.
8:40 Dr. John Delony? But you don't, you don't have to though.
8:41 Speaker 00 But I know it doesn't, yeah.
8:43 Dr. John Delony? You don't have to.
8:43 Speaker 00 That's why, it's, it's good to hear your point of view because you're still saying that you still go out and you still, you know, are going in green rooms and, uh, you know, doing your comic shows and traveling and touring and stuff. So you could have that balance and get that fulfillment with, you know, your firstborn child. And yeah, and, and it's awesome. You know, you were able to find that like lifetime partner. And I've, you know, been searching as well, cause you know, I'm currently dating someone right now. Uh, she's 19 and she works remotely as well as studies online.
9:18 Dr. John Delony? 19, how old are you?
9:20 Speaker 00 Been able to.
9:20 Dr. John Delony? You're 36?
9:21 Speaker 00 Uh, well, no, I'm 34.
9:23 Dr. John Delony? Oh, don't date teenagers. I want you to fix your, I want you to, uh, consider different language for a second.
9:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:33 Dr. John Delony? I, we talk about love like you fall into it like it's a hole.
9:39 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
9:39 Dr. John Delony? Right? Like it's a wheelbarrow you trip into. And we talk about long-term partners, we talk about spouses as though some, you find it, as though it's hidden somewhere. The cosmos hit it, God hit it, whatever you believe in hit it. And your whole life is like moving and like moving furniture and looking under leaves and rocks. Here's the thing. I dated my wife for five years. We broke up a bunch. We both dated people in between. At some point, both of us had to say, I pick you.
10:14 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
10:14 Dr. John Delony? I pick you over weight gain. I pick you over frustrations. I pick you over different passions, whatever stupid word that is. I pick you and I'm gonna choose every morning for the rest of my life to pick you again. And so it's less about finding. There is something right about picking right. That is important. Like who you choose matters. But at some point, it is, if my wife came home from this camp, from this hiking trip she's on with my son and said, hey, I can't do public life anymore.
10:47 Dr. John Delony? Then I'm out, homie, because she matters more than all of this.
10:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:52 Dr. John Delony? You know what I'm saying? And I also know that she wouldn't put me in that position unless it really was important. Cause there's been parts of this job when people have come after me or worse, they've come after her, when I knew it was killing her and I backed way off. And she said, no, no, no, it's not time. I just, I just need, I need to get some new, some new skills. I need to draw some new boundaries, et cetera. And so it's, there's more of an effort than I just found it.
11:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
11:19 Dr. John Delony? I, I, my challenge for you is you've got this pretty rad life plan that's awesome.
11:28 Dr. John Delony? But I tell you what, man, I was one of them. My wife and I decided we were gonna have kids after we both got out of graduate school, after we both got established in our careers. And it was three plus years of infertility that we didn't see coming. And then we had my son, and then we had three miscarriages over the next couple of years. Didn't see that coming either, right? So my challenge for you is, alright, at 40, I'm gonna start slowing the, slowing down, and then I'm gonna start, I'm gonna open my eyes. Man, you may be looking at 45, 50.
12:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:05 Dr. John Delony? And the challenge for you is, man, if you found somebody, begin and asking, what must be true?
12:11 Speaker 00 Yeah. No, I definitely want like what you resonated with, or what you mentioned at the beginning. Like, I have to make that decision now.
12:19 Dr. John Delony? That's it.
12:20 Speaker 00 Like, you can't, yeah.
12:21 Dr. John Delony? And you get to pick what your life looks like together.
12:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:28 Dr. John Delony? And if she is somebody who says, "I don't like other people cheering for you", then she might not be your person.
12:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:36 Dr. John Delony? But I'll tell you this, all the data I've looked at, the single greatest thing you could do for your, and I'm gonna make it gross for a second, and I don't mean to turn it into a transaction, okay? Because I do believe marriage is like sacred, in a cosmic way, it's a big deal, but...
12:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:54 Dr. John Delony? The greatest thing you can do for your financial wealth, for your physical health, for your sex life, is all, I mean, I could keep going on and on on these metrics,
13:08 Dr. John Delony? is they're all, they all ROI in a wild way if you have a good or a great marriage.
13:16 Dr. John Delony? And there's a period to the end of that sentence. You wanna be 70 and said, and say, "I had the most and best sex of, like, I could have in my life", get married to somebody, and do that really well. You wanna say, "Hey, we give ourselves the best opportunity to build wealth together", get married to somebody.
13:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:34 Dr. John Delony? And y'all do life together. Have one checking accountant say, "We're gonna do this thing together, right or die", "We're gonna build something rad."
13:41 Speaker 00 Yeah, I definitely want that and my parents have been together, you know, basically their whole lives. So I, I do want that and that's what I've always tried to, but I've always kind of put off, but I do need to make that decision now. And yeah, because I do feel that void, a void still that hasn't been filled. Like I played in front of thousands and like still at the very end of that, like I still feel empty.
14:05 Dr. John Delony? That's right.
14:06 Speaker 00 And my current partner has been very supportive and always like giving me that peace and tranquility and that, you know, I feel like I need, but yeah, like.
14:17 Dr. John Delony? Here, here's, here's a reverse. Can you, can you choose aliveness with her? Instead of having to outsource aliveness to a nameless audience?
14:31 Speaker 00 Yeah. Yeah. I definitely want, trust me, I want like, you know, the music industry, it's, it's hell. And like, um, I want like peace, tranquility, get married, have kids, but I need to make that, that decision now.
14:52 Dr. John Delony? I, I, I think the days of, and I think this is with work. I think this is with industries, whatever you want to say.
15:01 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
15:02 Dr. John Delony? The days of, and, and if you look on a long enough timeline, for all of human history, people got married to not die. Right? We had like, I'm going to marry you, you're going to get all my cousins, I'll get all your cousins and aunts and uncles and parents and grandparents and together, we're going to all work together so that we don't die. Right? That was the thing. And then a couple hundred years ago, we started solving for food and water and things like that. And what it, in a weird way, our identities shifted from, we have to stay alive to what's the best version of myself. Right? And so we started marrying for love and we started marrying for these things that ultimately can't hold.
15:48 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:48 Dr. John Delony? Passion can't hold. Attraction will fade. I'll, I'll go ahead and spoiler alert you. The person you marry, if you choose to ride or die till death do you part, she's gonna get wrinkles.
15:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:59 Dr. John Delony? She's gonna gain weight. She's gonna age and you will too.
16:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:04 Dr. John Delony? And I'm, I'm in, oh gosh, was in a month. I'll celebrate 24 years of being married.
16:11 Speaker 00 That's awesome.
16:12 Dr. John Delony? I'm telling you right now, it just doesn't, it doesn't matter. Do I, you know what I'm saying? My wife's pretty. She's just gonna be my beautiful lady for like forever. It just is.
16:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:22 Dr. John Delony? And I, I can't describe it on this side of it, uh, other than to say it just is.
16:28 Speaker 00 No, I, I believe you. You, you said right at the start, you're right. So I'm taking, and I watch, I watch.
16:35 Dr. John Delony? I, I, I.
16:35 Speaker 00 I, I am hoping, I am hoping I get, cause this is one of the girl lines you always say. Uh, cause I know I'm gonna get a lot of hate in the comments.
16:43 Dr. John Delony? No, uh, dude, don't look at the comments. You're in the industry.
16:45 Speaker 00 I know, I know.
16:46 Dr. John Delony? Don't look at the comments.
16:46 Speaker 00 But, um, I know, I know. But I was hoping I get the, the famous, uh, you're not crazy line.
16:53 Dr. John Delony? Well, here's the thing. You're not crazy and I wanna, I wanna shout you out for being a, a man who calls this show and who's actually honest.
17:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:03 Dr. John Delony? Because most men aren't honest about, I really wanna establish myself in this career. I want to have what I've been told my whole life is all of the fun. And as a DJ, there's an extra level of, of fun.
17:16 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:17 Dr. John Delony? And if you're not in the DJ world, you don't know what I mean, but you know what I mean, right?
17:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:21 Dr. John Delony? You know what I mean? There's.
17:22 Speaker 00 The dopamine cap is just too high right now.
17:26 Dr. John Delony? It's a lot, right? But.
17:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:29 Dr. John Delony? There's adrenaline and there's energy and all that's real and true. There's a liveness. Totally get that.
17:38 Dr. John Delony? I, I, I feel like I'm insane when I say this because I feel like 24 year old me would hit me in the face for saying what I'm about to say. But the funnest thing I've done all week is take an hour trip to the other side of town with my 10 year old daughter.
17:57 Dr. John Delony? And it sounds nuts to say that, but it's true. We-
18:02 Speaker 00 I, I'd beg your word for it, for sure.
18:04 Dr. John Delony? You know what I'm saying? And next week-
18:06 Speaker 00 I have a lot of friends that also have had a child and they say like, that's their happiest moment, so.
18:11 Dr. John Delony? And, and I'll even go deeper, like I said, having that time with her is amazing. But I got a woman that I share that with, and that's even more amazing.
18:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:23 Dr. John Delony? And dude, me and my wife, we've been together a long time. We've stared over the edge of, are we done? Right? So it's not perfect. By a long shot, we've almost broken up multiple times. Like, it's hard, it's hard. And, but so is, so is trying to get the gig, get all your stuff set up, and then your laptop doesn't work right before the lights go, you know, you've been there. Everything you do worth value is hard. But I, I just gotta go back to that original thing I said earlier.
18:50 Dr. John Delony? Almost to a person, the folks who have quote unquote made it, who have successful careers, will come back and say, I can't believe that those old dogs told me this was life. Closing down bars, staying up till 4 a.m., waking up at 1 p.m., half hungover, half mollyed out, like whatever, and then, y'all told me that was life.
19:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:14 Dr. John Delony? And now I'm sitting on the couch, holding my daughter, sitting next to my wife, sitting next to my husband, and that door is locked, and this is our secret world in here? Dude, this is living.
19:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:26 Dr. John Delony? But, but all of this, every bit of it, is a choice you get to make. And you can be beholden to, well, here's what the guys are doing, and here's this, and I just kinda have a thing for young, like, you can keep saying all those things.
19:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:40 Dr. John Delony? At the end of the day, I want you to take 100% ownership of what happens next.
19:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:46 Dr. John Delony? You get to pick that. So I wish you the best, my brother, congratulations. Um, if this, uh, if this young woman is your forever person, dude, holler back at us and we'll celebrate you on the air. And if she's not, great, cool.
20:01 Dr. John Delony? But I tell you, man-
20:04 Dr. John Delony? Chase a ride or die partner over chasing crowds every single time. We come back, a man asks if temporarily leaving his house is the best path towards healing his relationship.
20:18 Dr. John Delony? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer's a time when people escape. Whether it's relaxing, going on vacation, we've all been sold this lie that if we could just get away from it all, everything will magically work itself out when we return. Here's the thing, a vacation won't fix what you won't face. If you're anxious, burned out, or struggling, these problems will be waiting for you when you get home. And this is why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that fits into your life. You can talk with a licensed therapist by phone, video, or messaging from anywhere. No commuting, no sitting in a waiting room, just a safe place to process what's actually going on in your life. And all of BetterHelp's therapists follow a strict code of conduct.
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21:26 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go to Richmond, Virginia and talk to Jack. What's up, Jack?
21:31 Speaker 02 What's going on, John?
21:32 Dr. John Delony? Doing good, man. How about you?
21:34 Speaker 02 Oh, it's a beautiful day on the East Coast.
21:36 Dr. John Delony? Excellent, excellent. What's up?
21:39 Speaker 02 Uh, my wife is asking for a temporary, uh, therapeutic separation.
21:44 Dr. John Delony? Okay, tell me about it.
21:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, two months ago, we had a big falling out. Um, and it seems that she's bringing up everything that I have done to her wrong for the past 12 years. And it feels like it's being embellished. Um, she's accusing me of raping her, which I have not done. Um, she's upset at the pornography that I have brought into the marriage. We've had a lot of issues with sex drive, um, and whether or not. She should have to be there for me, or if I'm allowed to release myself. Um, I have put steps in play to fix a lot of this stuff. I have joined a recovery group. Um, I have gone to a personal counselor. I have gone to my pastor. I have gone to couples therapy.
22:30 Speaker 02 And she's now asking me to leave the house for a temporary time.
22:37 Dr. John Delony? What, what led up to this, um, separation here?
22:43 Speaker 02 We had a disagreement on, um, sex tempo. And it, and that was the, the big.
22:50 Dr. John Delony? Sex, sex tempo, like having sex or like, uh, libido? You want it more often than she does?
22:57 Speaker 02 Yes.
22:58 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Um, therapeutic separations can be very helpful. There's a couple of like really important rules to put in place with them. Um, they can be very helpful. Based on what you've just told me, this doesn't sound like a therapeutic separation as much as it sounds like step one towards ending a marriage.
23:18 Speaker 02 I am fearful of that. She is in, is, um, ensuring me that it's not that she still has hope for the marriage. Um, she's telling me that her nervous system is screaming to be around me. Um, and we have put almost everything in place to have separation, except for me. What, how, only way I can describe it is that the band in my family. Um, she still wants me around the kids. Um, she still wants me to help around the house, but she's asking me to leave, but still be involved with the kids. Which we're doing that right now, except for I sleep in the basement.
24:02 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
24:04 Dr. John Delony? For a separation to be successful, there's two big important things. One, there has to be a, a path
24:13 Dr. John Delony? back.
24:16 Dr. John Delony? What do you want to have happen here while there's a separation? There has to be work that's done.
24:22 Speaker 02 Right.
24:22 Dr. John Delony? The second thing is, there's got to be a come together date already on the calendar.
24:28 Dr. John Delony? Even if it gets extended. But we have to have the restaurant already, the therapist's office already on the calendar. In one week, in two weeks, in 30 days, we will come back together.
24:42 Dr. John Delony? And we'll reassess. If it's not those two things, it will just keep getting drawn out. She's going to feel a big exhale.
24:53 Dr. John Delony? And she'll begin to go, this is what I want to feel, and I can only feel this when he's not here.
24:59 Dr. John Delony? And you will start to get resentful that you're still playing husband, but you can't even be in your own house.
25:09 Dr. John Delony? You already feel that way now because you're sleeping in the basement of your house.
25:13 Speaker 02 Yes.
25:13 Dr. John Delony? And so it just accelerates the separation here.
25:22 Dr. John Delony? But if you're having to ask permission.
25:27 Dr. John Delony? Like already the dynamic, the way y'all communicate is already so messy.
25:32 Speaker 02 Yes.
25:33 Dr. John Delony? It's unhealthy, I guess is a better way to say it. You were about to say something, go ahead.
25:38 Speaker 02 Two weeks ago, we sat down with my pastor. And they proposed the separation. I took six days to put my heart before the Lord and pray about it.
25:47 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
25:48 Speaker 02 It was very unopened, there was no schedule, there was no path back, there was no come together date. It was, are you willing to leave? We sat down last night again with our pastor. She asked again.
26:01 Speaker 02 For me to leave. And I'm struggling with how.
26:06 Speaker 02 With. Did I get my answer? Or do. Or do I need to pray again now that it's a actual defining definition? Before it was just, will you leave?
26:19 Speaker 02 I'm stuck on this point of I hear people like you, other therapists, say that separation can be healthy and can bring people back together. I'm also struggling with my prayer life with the feeling of this is abandoning my family and leaving them vulnerable without protection. I don't have the right words, but just my spirit told me no. And it's hard for me to go back and pray again about it, even when she has a path back together.
26:47 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
26:53 Dr. John Delony? I'll use an example of, um, let me take some, I'm gonna give you an example that has nothing to do with marriage or relationships, okay?
27:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:05 Dr. John Delony? If you talk to trainers of high-level professional athletes.
27:11 Speaker 02 Yep.
27:12 Dr. John Delony? What they'll tell you is, when you get to a certain level of a certain caliber, the hardest thing they have to do is get their athletes to rest, to stop.
27:22 Speaker 02 Okay.
27:25 Dr. John Delony? Because they're always, they're so primed, they have such an appetite for wanting to be the best, that they see rest, they see sitting down, they see just propping their feet up and letting their bodies recover, as time wasted, when I could have been doing another set of this, or doing another rep of that.
27:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, I understand that.
27:51 Dr. John Delony? And so, often, the greatest thing you can do to protect your wife is to protect her space, protect her nervous system. And if her body has identified you as the tiger, as you as the bear, then the most protective thing you can do is let her exhale.
28:15 Dr. John Delony? And if she's throwing around words like rape and she's throwing words around like you're not safe, I want to get some, do some, A, do some real soul searching there and B, if there's truth to that, we gotta put that on the table, my man. And if there's not truth to that, we gotta put that type of accusation on the table. Those aren't benign accusations.
28:44 Speaker 02 No.
28:45 Dr. John Delony? Right? Those are, that's a big, big deal.
28:51 Dr. John Delony? And my, my personal bent after doing sexual assault investigations for most of my career is, I'm gonna ask her, like, hey, you, you said this, you brought this up. We, we gotta have that conversation.
29:03 Speaker 02 Right.
29:03 Dr. John Delony? Cause I might have a high sex drive, I might be a knucklehead, I might be annoying to be around, but I'm not a rapist. Or if you, if you did violate your wife's honor in that way, there's some accountability to be had in a major, major way.
29:21 Speaker 02 Right.
29:22 Dr. John Delony? Right?
29:23 Speaker 02 Yes.
29:25 Dr. John Delony? But couples disagree on libido all the time.
29:32 Speaker 02 Yes.
29:34 Dr. John Delony? It doesn't end here, like this, with, with the same frequency, right?
29:40 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
29:42 Dr. John Delony? So if you, if you had to just pause for a second, back all the way out,
29:48 Dr. John Delony? and let's put sex as the proxy war here, where do you feel out of control in your own skin inside your own house?
29:59 Speaker 02 Me?
29:59 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, you.
30:01 Speaker 02 Out of skin, out of my skin, in my own house. Um, definitely have tension around.
30:06 Dr. John Delony? Where do you feel angry inside your own body? What pisses you off? Where are you frustrated all the time?
30:16 Speaker 02 Um, I mean, our marriage has been rocky.
30:20 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about that.
30:20 Speaker 02 That pisses me off.
30:21 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about that.
30:22 Speaker 02 Um, I would have said, I would have said up until two months ago, it's the normal stupid stuff. Communication, what expectations, um, obviously we've talked about the libido. Um, I don't feel like I ever do enough, or I am enough for her. It always feels there's always a critique or no, thank you.
30:46 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so does your home, does your, when you walk in the front door of your house, does your home feel like a failure factory to you?
30:55 Speaker 02 No, um, I just, I don't feel over the years that I, but I'm acknowledged for doing well.
31:06 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
31:08 Dr. John Delony? What else?
31:11 Speaker 02 Hmm.
31:14 Speaker 02 I have a high drive for, uh, personal fitness and, you know, that goal, you never reach that goal. There's always another minute to shave off a mile or another two and a half pounds to set on the other side of the barbell.
31:29 Dr. John Delony? Where did that story come from?
31:33 Speaker 02 Which one?
31:34 Dr. John Delony? If I can just be fast enough, I can just be strong enough then, dot, dot, dot.
31:39 Speaker 02 I don't think it's enough. I, I personally believe that as a man, I'm called to be strong.
31:45 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, but you're past strong.
31:50 Speaker 02 Hmm, it's, it's hard.
31:54 Dr. John Delony? Okay, define strong for me.
31:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:58 Dr. John Delony? Give me, give me, give me a finish line.
32:03 Speaker 02 I think I'll always be chasing it, to be honest.
32:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay, that's what I'm asking you. Who are you running from?
32:12 Speaker 02 Who am I running from?
32:17 Speaker 02 Probably internal dialogue. I don't think, there's not a person I don't think I'm running from.
32:22 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, but internal dialogue started as somebody else's voices.
32:27 Speaker 02 Hmm.
32:33 Speaker 02 I would say um
32:38 Speaker 02 that I had very strong father figures, whether it was my grand
32:46 Speaker 02 with my grandpas or my dad, that they always strove for, you know, the the next thing that had a very strong drive.
32:58 Dr. John Delony? Um. Were you a part of that drive?
33:02 Speaker 02 Part of it?
33:07 Speaker 02 What do you mean by part of it?
33:07 Dr. John Delony? Were you a casualty of that drive?
33:11 Speaker 02 No, I was propelled to.
33:13 Dr. John Delony? Okay, that's what I mean. That's what I mean.
33:15 Speaker 02 No, I was I was propelled to a high standard.
33:19 Speaker 02 Um.
33:21 Dr. John Delony? It doesn't sound like you were propelled to a high standard. It sounds like you were propelled to an endless standard that never stops moving.
33:29 Speaker 02 Okay.
33:31 Dr. John Delony? Is that fair?
33:35 Speaker 02 I I I see your point.
33:41 Dr. John Delony? There there's, let me put it this way. If you're running from the guy sitting inside your chest, there is no external metric that's going to make him go, all right, we're good now.
33:56 Speaker 02 Okay.
33:58 Dr. John Delony? You're going to always be starting wars, always.
34:04 Dr. John Delony? And you're going to blame everybody in your life for the carnage.
34:09 Speaker 02 Okay.
34:10 Dr. John Delony? I work out every day of my life.
34:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:13 Dr. John Delony? Except the days that I don't and I have breakfast with my daughter. Why? Because I'm not solving for fitness. I'm solving for peace in my home.
34:21 Dr. John Delony? And peace in my home means I know to take care of myself. Peace in my home means I know how to love well. Both things are true.
34:28 Speaker 02 Yes.
34:33 Dr. John Delony? There will never be enough sex to make you feel worth being loved.
34:38 Dr. John Delony? There's never going to be enough money that you're like, all right, my family's safe now. Let me just ask you this big question, brother. What do you want, man?
34:47 Speaker 02 Oh, a good marriage.
34:53 Speaker 02 That's what I want.
34:54 Dr. John Delony? You want to be married?
34:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, oh yeah, over.
34:58 Dr. John Delony? Are you willing to sacrifice all this nonsense for, for your marriage?
35:04 Speaker 02 Yes, and that's what I'm struggling with is that I prayed about it. And I feel like I got an answer. But I feel like that answer al- almost feels like it will lead to more destruction in the marriage.
35:17 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
35:17 Speaker 02 I believe her when she's, you know.
35:19 Dr. John Delony? Then, then consider that you, you might have heard it wrong.
35:25 Speaker 02 Okay.
35:27 Dr. John Delony? Or consider that your feelings might be so hot right now.
35:32 Dr. John Delony? That you're not hearing the message right.
35:36 Speaker 02 Okay.
35:37 Dr. John Delony? Is that fair?
35:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's, it's very emotional. I've
35:42 Speaker 02 I've lost 20 pounds.
35:44 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
35:44 Speaker 02 And, uh, yeah, not sleeping well.
35:47 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
35:49 Dr. John Delony? And nobody makes good choices when they haven't slept.
35:52 Speaker 02 No.
35:55 Speaker 02 Nope.
35:59 Dr. John Delony? So yes, um.
36:02 Dr. John Delony? I think a separation could be really good right now. You sound hot, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean, like, you're a man who feels like he's losing control and you're scrambling.
36:12 Speaker 02 Yep.
36:12 Dr. John Delony? And that makes everything else more electric. Which to somebody who's saying my nervous system is not safer on you, makes them feel even heightened and more scared.
36:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:26 Speaker 02 I, I can see that.
36:26 Dr. John Delony? And the greatest gift you can give your family is emotional regulation right now. If you were my brother. If you were one of my close friends and you called, and you came over to my house and asked me the exact question you asked me. I would say, I want to get back in touch with my wife and say, I absolutely, more than anything in the world, I want you to feel safe in your own home. And I'm sorry that I haven't given you that. We'll solve the communication stuff. Those are skills. We'll solve the libido differences. Those are skills. We'll solve those things. But right now, I want to protect your heart, so absolutely, I'll give you some space. What I'm gonna ask of you is, can we have a timeline? Where you and I will get back together. And I will open-handedly say,
37:11 Dr. John Delony? how are you feeling? How can I love you in this upcoming week?
37:17 Dr. John Delony? And ask, will you give me a roadmap before the work you would like to see me do? So we can come back together. And by the way, you get to give her a roadmap. I remember feeling humiliated when I told my wife, I just want you to say the words, "I'm proud of you." And she said, "My gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't know."
37:36 Dr. John Delony? So you saying, "Hey, this is a way I can feel loved."
37:42 Dr. John Delony? Beyond just XXXX sex.
37:47 Dr. John Delony? What does celebration look like in your house? But yeah, I think celebration would be good for y'all right now. It's gotta have some boundaries to it. Bro, call me anytime. I'll walk with you. When we come back, a woman asks how to handle being left out of her boyfriend's friend group without becoming resentful. We'll be right back.
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39:32 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go down the street to Chattanooga, Tennessee and talk to Taylor. Hey Taylor, what's up?
39:38 Speaker 03 Hey Dr. John, how's it going?
39:40 Dr. John Delony? Doing great, how about you?
39:41 Speaker 03 Good.
39:42 Dr. John Delony? What's up?
39:44 Speaker 03 Um, so I think you just answered my question. How do I handle feeling left out of my boyfriend's existing friend group without feeling any sort of resentment towards anyone in the group or him? Um, I've never had a relationship before with a guy who has a friend group that I've wanted to join. And so I'm just like-
40:04 Dr. John Delony? But you're the girlfriend, you don't go in that group. Tell me about it.
40:07 Speaker 03 Well, so it's like, it's a, it's guys and girls, right? So like, it's not, it's not just all guys. I don't, I don't want any part of those guys' chats. I don't know what they talk about. I don't need to know what they talk about. Um, but it's like when the guys are planning stuff with their wives, or probably more so the wives planning stuff with their husbands, um, I want to be a part of that. I want to be a part of celebrating their wins with them. I want to be a part of sitting with them during their losses. If they've had a bad day, if they've had a great day, like I, I just really want to be a part of that and I don't feel like I'm a part of that currently.
40:41 Dr. John Delony? So this is a strange question, but are your feelings right?
40:46 Speaker 03 Um, I, there's a truth to them. Um, and I don't know if they are wrong because I haven't done enough, or I don't know if they're wrong because they actually, they don't want another person in their group. Um, it, it feels like they very much have a like, well, I've been around longer, so like I'm more important than you attitude. Um, but again, I don't know if that's me projecting or if that's actually true.
41:16 Dr. John Delony? I, I don't know if you'll ever know the answer to that. The only thing I can tell you to do is to do the next right thing. And that sounds so cliche and cheesy, here's what I mean, like in, in like real terms. How long have you been with your boyfriend?
41:31 Speaker 03 A little over a year.
41:32 Dr. John Delony? Okay. And how long of this, this gang that you want to be a part of? How long have they been together? You said they're married, so they've been together for years, huh?
41:40 Speaker 03 Yes.
41:41 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Has your boyfriend brought around other girlfriends in the past?
41:46 Speaker 03 Um, not to my knowledge. Um, I think he's had like casual, um, casual relationships that have been around, um, but nothing serious. Our favorite little bit to play is that there was never a girlfriend before me.
42:02 Dr. John Delony? That seems healthy. Um, so why? If he was on the phone, I would ask him, why doesn't he invite you to group stuff?
42:12 Speaker 03 Um, so he does, but I'm never involved in like the planning of the thing. He's like, hey, this is what I'm doing. Do you want to come with?
42:21 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So why don't you put something together with him and invite them over?
42:27 Speaker 03 I can do that.
42:30 Dr. John Delony? I, I'm just thinking of what you can control here. And if there's a group of friends, and let's, let's take all the boys out for a second. If there's a group of women who've been friends for years, and they just have a rhythm of doing things in a certain way, and you're their husband's buddy's girlfriend.
42:48 Dr. John Delony? Sure, it would be awesome if they included you in.
42:52 Dr. John Delony? But they have a way of doing things for a long time.
42:56 Dr. John Delony? And the, the one resounding piece of wisdom I give everybody who's trying to establish new friend groups is go first and be weird.
43:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:07 Dr. John Delony? So what does going first and being weird look like for you? You tell your boyfriend, hey, I want to plan something over at our house to invite everybody over. And you text the other guys, the other women in those, in the group and say, hey, I'm having people over. I'm bringing this. Does anybody want to bring drinks and whatever? I'm just going to go first.
43:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:31 Dr. John Delony? I totally get feeling left out. I mean, you're not crazy. I totally get that.
43:36 Speaker 03 Right.
43:36 Dr. John Delony? But I guess you can sit on the sideline and say, I'm going to resent y'all because y'all don't include me. You friends who've been together for years and years. Or I'm going to go first. I'm going to invite y'all in. I'm, I'm going to control what I can control here. And if they say, we don't want to come over to your house. We don't like you. We don't want to be around your boyfriend, whatever. Then yeah, I'm, I'm going to grieve that. I'm going to be sad.
44:02 Dr. John Delony? How old is your boyfriend?
44:04 Speaker 03 Um, he's 38.
44:07 Dr. John Delony? 38.
44:09 Dr. John Delony? How old are you?
44:10 Speaker 03 31.
44:11 Dr. John Delony? 31. So there may be years and years and years and years.
44:18 Dr. John Delony? A relationship already established. Is that fair?
44:22 Speaker 03 Uh, yeah, there for sure is.
44:24 Dr. John Delony? Okay. I think it's just gonna take time.
44:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:28 Dr. John Delony? And if he's thirty eight, there's for sure been girlfriends before you.
44:36 Dr. John Delony? Maybe?
44:38 Speaker 03 Um, yeah, like I said, I, I, I'm so lost because I've like, I've, I've been in a relationship before, but it's never been like,
44:50 Speaker 03 for lack of better words, my previous relationships were losers and they didn't have friends. Um, so it's just like, what do I, is the solution just to go first and be weird? Is it just like, wait for the invite? Is it, I don't?
45:05 Dr. John Delony? I don't want a way out of my life to happen to me.
45:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:10 Dr. John Delony? I wanna be in the driver's seat of my own life whenever I can.
45:15 Dr. John Delony? And if you were, I, I, I honestly, this is, I mean, I'm, I'm not saying this to be mean at all. I thought you were like twenty two or twenty three. Like you're in your thirties. Go first.
45:24 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:24 Dr. John Delony? It's not even weird. Go first.
45:26 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:28 Dr. John Delony? You're a thirty year old woman. Uh, do you see a future with this dude?
45:32 Speaker 03 For sure.
45:33 Dr. John Delony? Gross. Okay. So just y'all go first together.
45:39 Dr. John Delony? Uh, cause what's, I mean, literally, what's the alternative? Just sit on the sideline and be mad all the time?
45:44 Speaker 03 Yeah, um, which is not what anyone wants.
45:47 Dr. John Delony? No. I, I just, I want you to be in the driver's seat of your own life. I don't want your life to happen to you. I want you to go, go make it happen. Do you have your own friends?
45:56 Speaker 03 I do.
45:57 Dr. John Delony? So do you invite him to that gang?
46:00 Speaker 03 Um, it's yes and no. There's kind of a couple of separate groups. Um, the all girl group, obviously not. Um, but the, the group where it's larger and more couples involved, yes.
46:18 Dr. John Delony? Cause I don't know if you know this, but your boyfriend called me earlier today and was like, why can't I get in with the other? I'm just kidding. He didn't call me. Who knows? Who knows? I, I, I mean, I, the only thing I can tell you is go first.
46:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:32 Dr. John Delony? Just go first. And if you're talking with thirty eight year old, forty year old women who've been friends for years and years, and do they have kids?
46:40 Speaker 03 Um, a couple of them.
46:42 Dr. John Delony? So, I mean, you're talking like totally different life stages.
46:48 Dr. John Delony? Do you have kids?
46:50 Speaker 03 I do not.
46:50 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
46:51 Speaker 03 I am the only one of my friends who don't.
46:54 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So do you have a, like a, if you panned back, is there a broader, I feel left out just of a lot of people's lives right now?
47:04 Speaker 03 Um, I don't think so right now. I think like growing up, growing up, I didn't know, my parents didn't really teach me how to create relationships with people and how to actually like create close connection with people. Um, that wasn't something that I learned until I was in like my early twenties.
47:22 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
47:23 Speaker 03 Um, and so I, like my adult friendships have always been great, but like I don't have childhood friendships or like people that I'm still friends with from high school or anything like that.
47:36 Dr. John Delony? Sure.
47:38 Dr. John Delony? And I count myself one of the lucky few who still, who has thirty and forty year old friendships.
47:45 Dr. John Delony? And I've had to do the work to go make adult friends too, because I live in a different state than those friends, right?
47:51 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:52 Dr. John Delony? But I, yeah, create the world you want to create. And by the way, several of those women have young kids, they're married, they've got their own jobs. They're not going to have time to just hang out. And so if they say no, or if it's a thing that has to be added to a family calendar, just be able to practice not, you're going to have your, whatever feeling you have, you're going to have your feelings. You can't really control those.
48:13 Speaker 03 Right.
48:15 Dr. John Delony? But practice what comes after that feeling, which is exhaling and saying, um, oh, that's about them, not me.
48:24 Dr. John Delony? They're protecting their schedule, they're not rejecting me.
48:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
48:29 Dr. John Delony? That stinks, but it's cool, it makes sense. I get it, I get it. But yeah, go first, go first. Make a plan with your boyfriend that y'all are going to have a thing every week.
48:43 Dr. John Delony? In your apartment, in your house, wherever you live, out at a restaurant, shouldn't go first.
48:50 Dr. John Delony? And steel yourself for when people say, "We can't make it out this weekend. We can't, we're not gonna be able to make it. We got kids, we got this, we got soccer, we got whatever." That's a bummer, but cool. And this is also a natural time when groups just start kind of, that have been really tight through twenties and thirties, they start splintering off because kids and special needs and schools and your kid's into soccer and my kid likes basketball. Just things begin to do that. And so the work is, in your thirties and in your forties, I gotta go make new, new friends, new gangs, new groups. And I see the old group once every three or four months instead of once a week. It's heartbreaking. And that's adult life.
49:28 Dr. John Delony? But thanks for the call. You're not crazy. You're not crazy. Just control what you can control and go first. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.
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51:07 Dr. John Delony? All right, we're back. What's up, Kelly?
51:09 Speaker 04 All right, I have a cool crap that happened.
51:11 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
51:11 Speaker 04 This is from Alex in, I'm gonna say Lewisburg, North Carolina. I don't know if they-
51:18 Dr. John Delony? It's Woolburg.
51:19 Speaker 04 Woolburg, yeah, I'm not sure, but...
51:21 Dr. John Delony? Don't say Louis, ever.
51:23 Speaker 04 I apologize to everyone in this, that city in North Carolina.
51:27 Dr. John Delony? Louisburg.
51:29 Speaker 04 So, actually, it might be Louisburg, because it's L-O-U-I-S. Regardless, he's in North Carolina. Let's just go with that.
51:37 Dr. John Delony? That almost sounded racist, but go ahead.
51:39 Speaker 04 Whatever. Anyway, he writes, "You lied, Dr. D."
51:45 Dr. John Delony? Continue.
51:47 Speaker 04 "You said that scheduling sex is boring and super unsexy. It's been one of the greatest things my wife and I have done in the past year that has really helped us communicate better. We keep the same schedule and there, in this way, there is never any wondering or guessing or confused, mixed up signals. We even added in a veto option so that if it comes to the day and one of us just isn't feeling it, we can say one word and that speaks volumes. Seriously."
52:13 Dr. John Delony? What's the word? Do they say it?
52:14 Speaker 04 No, he didn't say what-
52:15 Dr. John Delony? Is it like pickles or horses or something?
52:17 Speaker 04 Meatloaf or whatever.
52:20 Speaker 04 He said, "Seriously, taking the 'wanna have sex tonight' or 'we never have sex' conversation out of it has allowed us to communicate better in all other aspects and has reignited our physical relationship and more. Thank you, brother."
52:33 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, yep. Dude, that's being an adult and solving for the actual problem, which is, "We wanna have more sex." Not, "I wanna win this exchange," or, "You..." Yes, good, good, good, awesome. What's that dude's name?
52:46 Speaker 04 Alex.
52:47 Dr. John Delony? Alex. Shout out, brother. Way to go. And if I was wrong on that one, good for you. Good for you, good for everybody. Love you guys, bye.
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