Caller: “My Parents Are Racists”

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Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I started dating my boyfriend and he is just the best. He's been nothing but kind and caring, but my parents don't like him and they don't want to have anything to do with me now because I'm dating someone outside of my race.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from real people, going through any number of wild things, family stuff, your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, whatever you've got going on. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Click the link in the show notes and we'll get you on the show. And don't forget, take two seconds, please, to subscribe to the show, to share it to your friends, pass along episodes. Man, it makes such a huge difference for everybody, everybody in the club. So go out to Little Rock, Arkansas, and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley?

• 1:07Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John, how are you?

• 1:09Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. How are you?

• 1:11Speaker 00

  I'm doing well.

• 1:12Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. What's up?

• 1:15Speaker 00

  So I wanted to call and ask you today about a family issue that I'm having. Probably two years ago at this point, I started dating my boyfriend and he is just the best. I, anything positive I could ever say, I, I mean it towards this man. He's been nothing but kind and caring. He's helped me through some of the scariest and hardest times of my life so far, but...

• 1:46Dr. John Delony?

  Gross. Uh oh, there's a, there's a but. Okay, I thought you were just gonna, I thought you were just gonna call and say, I'm dating somebody awesome. It's gonna be my favorite call I've ever taken on the show, but there's a but. What's the but?

• 1:58Speaker 00

  But my parents don't like him and they don't want to have anything to do with me now um because I'm dating someone outside of my race. And I think, yeah, so um just for context, I guess, um I'm white and he is Latino. And that has been enough for them to call me on this past Christmas Eve and let me know that they don't want anything to do with him. And my parents haven't talked to me in six months.

• 2:36Dr. John Delony?

  Wow.

• 2:37Speaker 00

  So at this point, I've gone through so much in the past six months.

• 2:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, hold on, just just sit there. Don't even try to run over it for a second.

• 2:47Dr. John Delony?

  I'll I'll just sit in this with you. I hate this for you. Hate this for him.

• 2:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, this isn't this isn't how it should be. I'm sorry.

• 2:57Dr. John Delony?

  It's gross. It's disgusting. It's all those things. You know that.

• 3:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:01Dr. John Delony?

  I hate it for you. How old are you?

• 3:04Speaker 00

  I'm twenty nine.

• 3:05Dr. John Delony?

  Twenty nine.

• 3:08Dr. John Delony?

  Man. So they called you on Christmas Eve and said, hey, don't come. I don't want him at our house.

• 3:14Speaker 00

  Yes. So, um.

• 3:17Dr. John Delony?

  What what's his what's his nationality? I know you said Latino, but what's what's is he Mexican? Is he what what is he?

• 3:24Speaker 00

  Yes, he's he's Mexican, but I mean, he's American citizen, born in America, everything like that.

• 3:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to get heritage. So I.

• 3:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I hate that that's still here in where we live, but it but it is. I hate it.

• 3:45Dr. John Delony?

  Hate it, hate it.

• 3:48Dr. John Delony?

  So, uh, how can I help? I mean, what a mess. What a mess.

• 3:53Speaker 00

  I mean, at this point, I don't think there's any salvaging the relationship with my parents, unfortunately.

• 4:02Dr. John Delony?

  No, they chose bigotry and hatred over their daughter and over a really good man and over um.

• 4:11Dr. John Delony?

  A potential amazing, like, they had... As a dad of a daughter, my dream is, my daughter calls me one day and says, "Dad, I've met this guy," and describes him exactly as you just described, your boyfriend of two years. Right?

• 4:29Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 4:29Dr. John Delony?

  Like, that he's amazing and sits with me during hard stuff, and he treats me like, like, a princess, like, all those things. Like, the way you just described him, that's how I want my daughter to call me and say, "Dad, I've met this guy." And I, as her dad, am gonna say, "Let me have him," like, of course. But my goodness. That's my dream. That's my dream. And it's the way it should be. I'm sorry.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 4:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I got, I don't, ugh. I don't have a good answer for you, other than they've made their position pretty clear. And...

• 5:09Speaker 00

  I guess...

• 5:10Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead, go ahead.

• 5:11Speaker 00

  Sorry. No, I, I guess I just don't know how to move forward with my life, because I had a, a major medical emergency at the beginning of this year. And, um, it, I could've died from what happened. And it's really just made to sit on my heart even heavier, because they have no idea that even happened. So I...

• 5:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but listen, they, they walked away from you. They chose bigotry and hatred over loving their daughter.

• 5:47Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:48Dr. John Delony?

  And I hate that you had to go through this alone, but it's a thing, it's a choice they made. You get what I'm saying? And so, like, you, you're right to be heartbroken, you're right to feel lonely, you're right to be, like, deeply sad. But don't add to that a layer of, "I should've done something different." Right?

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Right.

• 6:12Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're doing everything right. And in your moment of need, even as a, as a 29-year-old, your parents said, "No, we choose hatred over, over love."

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And just for, just for whatever it's worth, it should never be that way.

• 6:33Dr. John Delony?

  Should never be that way.

• 6:37Dr. John Delony?

  I mean,

• 6:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:39Dr. John Delony?

  Beyond, beyond the obvious nonsense of this particular situation, right?

• 6:47Dr. John Delony?

  They've been doing this to you your whole life, haven't they?

• 6:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, I would say we, I didn't really have the best relationship with my parents.

• 6:59Dr. John Delony?

  Cause there's somebody who weaponizes their relationship with their children to get what they want.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  Right.

• 7:07Dr. John Delony?

  That's evil, Ashley.

• 7:12Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? That's cruelty in, like, in the worst kind of way.

• 7:19Dr. John Delony?

  That a parent would dangle their relationship, their love, over their child's head, like the sort of Democles and say, "You, you sing and dance how I want you to sing and dance, or I'm withdrawing the one thing that will keep a child alive, and that's connectivity to caring adults." It's cruel. I mean, that's just, oh, man.

• 7:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So my question for you is, like, not by your hand but in your lap, this thing's happened.

• 7:46Dr. John Delony?

  Your parents cut you off. That means the work ahead of you is not to go crawling back to them and say, "Okay, I'll become somebody I don't respect. I will live out of, like, not aligned with values." And by the way, this isn't even like a belief difference, right? Like, "I believe in this and y'all believe in that." We can still agree or disagree at the table. This is them saying, "You're not welcome here."

• 8:12Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 8:14Dr. John Delony?

  Which, it's just wild. I mean, it's, I'm laughing to keep from, from cursing, right? So, um, the question for you, the work ahead of you is, who are you gonna put in your life that you can lean on? That will sit with you when you're in the hospital? And it can't just be, just a boyfriend. It's gotta be a gang. It's gotta be a community. It should be your family, but they left.

• 8:41Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have siblings?

• 8:43Speaker 00

  I do, I do. My, probably my best friend in this world is my younger sister.

• 8:48Dr. John Delony?

  And how's she responded to all this madness?

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Um, they've kept it really siloed, so they haven't told her anything in relation to me. They just kind of pretend like I don't exist now and I'm the one kind of telling her, you know, "Hey, this is happening between me, mom, and dad." And that's just how it is. She thinks it's horrible. She doesn't agree with any of it, but...

• 9:17Dr. John Delony?

  Why hasn't she called it out with them?

• 9:21Speaker 00

  I mean, she doesn't want to rock the boat.

• 9:23Dr. John Delony?

  The boat has been rocked. Your parents shot holes in the boat. They blew it up. There's no boat anymore.

• 9:30Dr. John Delony?

  Like, a- and again, I don't put her on blast because she's not on the phone, but there comes a, there comes a moment when somebody's being abusive, when somebody's being so grotesque that there's a line. You're still my parents, of course, right? They'll always be her biological parents, but at some point, they're two adults that are destroying my sister. And I have to choose who I'm gonna stand with.

• 9:56Dr. John Delony?

  You hear what I'm saying?

• 9:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, I hear you.

• 10:01Dr. John Delony?

  And I get that she's trapped in the middle and all this, but at some point, man...

• 10:08Dr. John Delony?

  I, I'll just say this. I, family members are not, I, I just don't associate with people who live like that. Who live hatred first. I've, probably the vast majority of my friends disagree with me on things.

• 10:23Dr. John Delony?

  But we still love each other and care about each other. That's awesome. My family members and I disagree on just about everything on the planet.

• 10:31Dr. John Delony?

  But none of us lead hate first.

• 10:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So what's your next move? What are you gonna do next?

• 10:41Speaker 00

  I, I'm not sure, honestly.

• 10:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  I, I've just been taking it one day at a time. Um, I mean, I'm starting therapy soon. I think that's really the, the only move I have in my, my pocket at the moment.

• 10:58Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm gonna give you some different, some, some action steps, okay?

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:01Dr. John Delony?

  Therapy's probably good to unpack all this, but I want you to have a clear action plan. Okay? Do you have college professors? Do you have minister? Do you have local folks in your community? Maybe even your boyfriend's parents? That you could sit down across the table with and say, hey, my parents have walked away? And I'm gonna need some adults in my life that are 10 years, 15 years, 20 years ahead of me. Um, I'm choosing you.

• 11:33Dr. John Delony?

  Like, if somebody did that to me, it's happened in my life. It's one of the most honoring things when a young person sits down and says, hey, I'm gonna need you to walk alongside me. And I'll tell them, like, you can always call my phone. I'll always answer.

• 11:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:50Dr. John Delony?

  Right? But that's, that's your work is you identifying who is two or three or five or seven people down the road from me? And you having a couple of hard conversations with your sister and other siblings?

• 12:04Dr. John Delony?

  And then it gets real nitty gritty when you're like, hey, I've got to plan alternative Thanksgivings and alternative Christmases. Cause I'm not gonna sit at home on Christmas by myself and just be devastated that mom and dad cut me off. Cause they're racist bigot, hating people. Um, I'm going to take the clumsy awkward steps to surround myself with people that I care about. And we're gonna celebrate holidays and we're gonna have meals together. Right? It, it's, it's, the grief is gonna be there. But what are the things? Not that you're gonna get in a room and just talk about and talk about and talk about, but what are the things you're gonna do to begin to build the life that you want?

• 12:49Speaker 00

  I like that a lot. I'll, I'll definitely do that.

• 12:54Dr. John Delony?

  You promise, you promise you'll start being affirmative and like reaching out because it's gonna be hard, but you've been sitting alone by yourself for six months just in that fog. And the fog won't lift on its own. I guess is what I'm saying. It's gonna take action steps for you moving forward.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, that definitely makes sense. I'll, I promise I'll make a, I'll make an effort to do that.

• 13:17Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. That's so good. And your body's gonna want to protect you from that because it's been hurt by the people that were supposed to love you the most. And I want you to, like, sometimes you'll have to catch yourself and put your fist in your chest and say, I got you. You're trying to take care of me. I'm good. But I need some people in my life. And so I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go be weird. I'm gonna go first and be weird. Right? Um, let me ask you this. Um, when is this knucklehead gonna marry you?

• 13:41Speaker 00

  Soon. Uh, we've already been looking at rings. So probably by the end of the year.

• 13:45Dr. John Delony?

  Gross. Tell him to hurry up.

• 13:48Speaker 00

  Oh, I don't know. I'll say Dr. Johnson. Hurry.

• 13:51Dr. John Delony?

  Good. And since your dad opted out, tell him he can call me and ask for my blessing. And I'll put him through the wringer on the air. How about that?

• 14:00Speaker 00

  That sounds good.

• 14:01Dr. John Delony?

  Is that good?

• 14:03Speaker 00

  Perfect. Thank you.

• 14:04Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Hey, um, you're not crazy. This is wrong and disgusting and gross at every level. And as the dad who loves, I just dropped my daughter off at a day camp, like a summer, I don't know, arts and crafts camp or something. She's super creative. I don't know what they're building robot things. I don't know what they're doing. Um, but when she got out of the car, it still catches my breath because I love that girl so much. And I want you to hear me say, my hope and my prayer for my daughter is she calls me one day and says, Dad, I've met this guy who, and almost verbatim, what you said about that guy when you first called me. Okay?

• 14:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:48Dr. John Delony?

  You're not crazy. Sounds like he's an awesome guy. And he won the lottery with you.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  Thank you so much.

• 14:54Dr. John Delony?

  And you with him, right?

• 14:56Speaker 00

  For sure.

• 14:57Dr. John Delony?

  Gross!

• 15:00Dr. John Delony?

  But so awesome. Hey, um, for real, thank you for calling and.

• 15:08Dr. John Delony?

  That's all I'm gonna say. I'm gonna get myself in trouble. I just... Life's too short and I'm not gonna be around people who hate first. And who discriminate first. I'm just out on that. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of it. I'm grossed out by it. I'm done with it. I'm gonna be around people who wanna go make this world a better place. And who are gonna be surrounding themselves with all kinds of people. Especially people who love really well. Thanks for the call, Ashley. Tell that guy to call me. I can't wait to talk to him. We come back, a man asks how to handle finances when his spouse refuses to discuss money. We'll be right back.

• 15:48Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:29Dr. John Delony?

  They reject fifteen percent of their raw materials because good is not good enough for Thorne. They look for great. This is why pro athletes, Olympic teams, and more than 60,000 doctors trust Thorne. And that's why me and my family trust Thorne too. Stop guessing what's going into your body. Go to thorne.com/theletteru/daloni to get 25% off your order when you create an account. That's T-H-O-R-N-E.com/theletteru/daloni.

• 17:02Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is a time when people escape. They escape from work, they escape from their schedules, whether it's relaxing or going on vacation. Listen, we've all been sold a lie that if we could just get away from it all, everything would magically work itself out. But here's the thing, a vacation won't fix what you won't face. If you're anxious, burned out, struggling, these problems will be waiting for you when you get home from whatever vacation you take. This is why I recommend talking to someone, and this is why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that fits into your life. You can talk with a licensed therapist by phone,

• 17:46Dr. John Delony?

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• 18:26Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and talk to Walter White. What's up, Walter?

• 18:33Speaker 02

  Hi, Dr. John, how are you?

• 18:34Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

• 18:36Speaker 02

  Good, thanks.

• 18:37Dr. John Delony?

  So what's up?

• 18:38Speaker 02

  Um, my question is, um, my wife and I have set the goal of purchasing a house early next year. And of course, you know, there's a lot of financial planning that has to get around, you know, that's part of that. And, um, you know, my, my wife is a bit of a spender, and when we try to talk about it, things just, just never go well. And, you know, me and the finances, I'm, you know, looking at the writing on the wall, and I just don't see how the math is going to get us there. And, um, it just does not go well when we try to talk about it.

• 19:13Dr. John Delony?

  Which part?

• 19:17Dr. John Delony?

  Well, there's a couple, a couple of different paths here. Path one is you are a guy who, and I'm gonna start with a negative first, okay? Or I'm gonna start with the mirror first for you. You're a guy who always has a plan, and I don't mean that in a positive way. I mean that like you always got a scheme, right? Like, oh dude, I'm gonna get some crypto and I'm gonna day trade and like you always have a thing. Like, I'm gonna get into Tupperware and essential oils. And your, your love language, um, which I'm not a, I'm not a super fan of, but like you're with that, of that phrase. But like the thing that would get you in the mood for a hot and heavy night is a spreadsheet. And is that you?

• 20:02Dr. John Delony?

  Are you that guy? And by the way, that doesn't make you a bad guy. Um, but is that you or no?

• 20:08Speaker 02

  No, I wouldn't say that.

• 20:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 20:10Speaker 02

  I would say, yeah.

• 20:12Dr. John Delony?

  I, I've been a schemer in my past and I recognize, you know, after doing some reflective work, like, oh, I am, I'm so annoying to talk to and I'm unreasonable to talk to. Okay. So the other side of this thing, which I never like to talk bad about anybody's wife, but here we are. Is she bullheaded and unreasonable? Like, I don't care what math is. All my friends, all my neighbors, whatever, have this house, have this car, and that's what I'm gonna have. Kind of a spoiled brat. Is that her?

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Um, I think she just very much lives in the, in the here and now and sometimes struggles with, you know, looking forward. She, she had a very unsafe and a very traumatic childhood. And I think she's just, I feel like sometimes she's just looking for, you know, comfort now. If that makes sense.

• 21:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I mean, I, I get it. True healing from an unsafe childhood is getting, is, it's not being safe right this second, right? Like, there's a, there's a, some, there's psychology on like a poverty mindset, which is, I don't have time to think about tomorrow or next year, or my retirement. I need food today.

• 21:27Speaker 02

  Right?

• 21:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And so, helping somebody from, who grew up in abject poverty, who grew up with like, wondering if a meal was gonna come, is teaching them to get their eyes off of today and begin looking at tomorrow and beyond. It just takes, that's a process. But it sounds, it sounds like you're being overly generous.

• 21:50Dr. John Delony?

  Like, you don't want to talk bad about your wife, which I super respect, super respect, but,

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  there comes, let me say it this way, there comes a point when I want to be safe, right? My wife's out of town, it's just me and my daughter right now. It took everything in my bones to not have

• 22:09Dr. John Delony?

  ice cream for breakfast. You know why? Because it sounded delicious and I wanted it, right? Like, I had to think about future John tonight and tomorrow, and I would feel terrible, and then I'd be grumpy, and then blah, blah. And so, like,

• 22:23Dr. John Delony?

  it's, it's a context, not an excuse. Like, I get that she wants to just live life right now, but that's not an excuse for making bad decisions that are gonna, they're gonna endanger the future of y'all's family unit financially.

• 22:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. I, I guess if I had a, you know, like you said, it's, it's hard to, I have the sense to protect my wife, but I guess if I had to put, you know, a pin in exactly what it is, is I, I think my wife has a, and she's acknowledged it in passing, but a pretty serious spending problem. And I'm, you know, we're, it just seems like I'm never gonna, we're never gonna get out of it, and no matter how much, and, you know, the house, you know, getting a house, financing it all, you know, I'm all just, I'm expected to get it done, and I feel like I can't.

• 23:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I'm, I'm gonna call you out on that. You have to say no.

• 23:21Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to be willing to weather the storm for the sake of you and your family's safety and for the sake of your marriage.

• 23:33Dr. John Delony?

  And what that looks like is, I can't just get this done unless we have an honest conversation about math. And so when you're ready to do that, I will drop what I'm doing and we'll take a hard, real, honest look at where we are.

• 23:49Dr. John Delony?

  But you're talking as though she's your boss and she's gonna fire you.

• 23:54Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And if she is, if she's willing to walk out the door because her husband wants to keep people safe and wants to be rational when it comes to money, unlike anybody else on the planet, because by the way, this isn't the only place this happens in your marriage, is it?

• 24:09Speaker 02

  No.

• 24:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right. She also wants what she wants when she wants it in other areas too, right?

• 24:15Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 24:16Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And so I want you to be her husband, not her dad. I want you to be her husband and not her personal assistant.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 24:27Dr. John Delony?

  And at some point, you have to start with, what does self-respect look like? Am I becoming the man, the partner, the husband, the friend that I want to be? The answer's no, or you wouldn't be calling me. And what would it look like for me to get there? And you're gonna have to weather that storm in between.

• 24:44Dr. John Delony?

  So if you sat down, like, role-play that with me. If you sat down and said, um, hey, where are we on this? Are we getting this house? I found the house that I want. And you said, honey, I'm not looking at a house, I'm not filling out an application until you and I sit down and have an honest conversation about money. When you're ready to do that, um, in fact, I've moved some things around, so Wednesday night at 7 o'clock, I'm ready to do that. If you want to come, great. If you don't, okay, you tell me when. What would she do? What would her response actually be in real life?

• 25:17Speaker 02

  She'll probably get angry.

• 25:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, what does anger look like for her?

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Um, very defensive, um, you know, and try to point out, you know, I, you know, I've given up so much for, for this marriage and this family and I've already given so much and.

• 25:37Dr. John Delony?

  What has she given?

• 25:39Speaker 02

  Um, I mean, she, um, you know, she's, she stopped, you know, we, she has a tenure, she had a tenure from prior marriage that I've since adopted.

• 25:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:51Speaker 02

  And, um, she's stopped going, um, you know, she's, she put off school, um, because we had another baby and we actually have a third one on the way. And, um, you know, her family does not, what little family she has does not live near here. Um, she's a, she grew up in the foster care system, so, um, her closest family is, um, some foster parents that moved away.

• 26:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:16Speaker 02

  A couple of years ago. And, um, she just, eh, eh, there's this recurring thing about how she said, like, if we, you know, if we weren't married, your life wouldn't change and mine would change dramatically.

• 26:31Dr. John Delony?

  What does that, what does that even mean?

• 26:33Speaker 02

  I, I think she means that I, I think she feels that we're not equal partners. I think, eh, you know, she, she's mentioned that, you know, since, since I'm the one who has an income and she stays home with her kids, that she, you know, I, I act like I think I'm superior to her or that.

• 26:55Dr. John Delony?

  Is she right? Or is that, is she just projecting that onto you?

• 26:59Speaker 02

  Um, I, I feel like I try really, really hard to involve her in everything, in our conversations and everything. And it just, you know, it just really stresses her out and I, her instinct, her reaction is always to, you know, come back at me to try to, you know, counter, I don't know, make me upset too. I, I'm not sure. I mean, I'm, I have a problem with conflict avoidance. That's one of the reasons I'm in therapy.

• 27:28Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  And so conflict is really, really hard to me. And I feel like there's a part of me that, and she knows that.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  And might try to use it to sort of shut down hard conversations.

• 27:41Dr. John Delony?

  But, but in that moment, you have a choice, which is, is, is to be sturdy.

• 27:48Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Like knowing you have a problem with conflict is a big part of the solution there. Like, oh, my body shuts, starts to shut down when I do this. I need to stand firm.

• 27:58Dr. John Delony?

  Not to fight and combat you, but to be, to be a port in the storm. And there's, there's a weird dance that y'all are going to get into, which is a kid who grew up in the foster system, who's then left her foster parents, who also was in a previous relationship where she had another child, like, she's always going to be testing to see whether you're going to leave too.

• 28:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:23Dr. John Delony?

  And she knows how to make you leave. You don't walk out the door, but she knows how to, to get your spirit to leave your body.

• 28:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:31Dr. John Delony?

  And so part of breaking that dance is you letting her know, I'm going to stop withdrawing. However uncomfortable it feels for you, I'm going to be a man of integrity. I'm going to stand here in the storm and I'm not going to yell, I'm not going to scream, but I'm not going to run away either. I love you too much. I'm in this with you. But do you get how you prove her point every time?

• 28:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, I, yeah, I think what, what scares me the most is, you know, a, a few times every, we have to have these hard discussions. The, the ultimate, like what it boils down to, a lot of times it's just, well, if you don't like being married to me, you can leave me.

• 29:12Dr. John Delony?

  What's your response to that?

• 29:15Speaker 02

  I've, I've said very clearly, you know, I, I'm never going to leave you.

• 29:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 29:20Speaker 02

  I'm never going to leave you.

• 29:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  And it just, it just keeps, I'm, but it just makes me, it's, it just makes me afraid that, you know, if, if everything I do, you know, results in this, what I feel like is an over reactive anger, that the next thing I do is going to be the thing that, you know, she finally does it.

• 29:47Dr. John Delony?

  So I want to give you something, I'm going to tell you something that, that hopefully will free you and hopefully will make you sad too. Is that cool?

• 29:57Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 29:58Dr. John Delony?

  Her responses are not about you.

• 30:04Dr. John Delony?

  There's a six-year-old little girl in there saying, "He's going to go too." Everybody's always left.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:11Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, her responses to you are not about you. They're about her body trying to keep her safe. Now, what it's doing is it's ending her relationship, right? So if you listen to my show, you always hear me say, "The things that kept us safe as a kid will destroy our adult relationships." That's happening in real time in your home.

• 30:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 30:32Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:32Dr. John Delony?

  And it will take some weathering of the storm.

• 30:36Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm never gonna leave you. I love being married to you.

• 30:41Dr. John Delony?

  I don't love the situation that you and I have both found ourselves in, and together you and I can walk through this. But I love being married to you. I want to get you a house too. We're just not there yet. I want to have tons of nice things, but that means we're going to have to sacrifice for a short season."

• 30:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:00Dr. John Delony?

  And you take the problem off her chest and you put it out across the table.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  That makes sense.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  And I also know if she's not well, is she willing to go talk to somebody?

• 31:18Speaker 02

  Um, she's been seeing the same therapist since she was 16 years old.

• 31:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, she needs somebody new, because they're not helping.

• 31:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:29Dr. John Delony?

  Because she doesn't have action steps and strategies for

• 31:34Dr. John Delony?

  being a wife and a mother and a regulated person in the real world moving forward. You know what I'm saying?

• 31:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:45Speaker 02

  I mean, I, you know, having, that's a relationship that she's had longer than that she's known me, and I don't know how I would approach mentioning that to her.

• 32:00Speaker 02

  You know, "Hey, maybe it's time you saw someone else." I'm not sure how to do that.

• 32:05Dr. John Delony?

  I would invite her, I would tell her that, "Hey, I want to learn some skills. I love you more than life itself, and I feel like sometimes the story I tell myself is, I don't communicate that well enough to you. And so, I would love for you to come with me."

• 32:21Dr. John Delony?

  And help me practice some new skills so that I can love you better. And that when you do that, you're taking all of the weight and putting it on you and you're actually giving her a role to play in you being well.

• 32:37Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 32:38Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah.

• 32:41Dr. John Delony?

  And my hope would be that she can, and y'all walk into a marriage therapist office and you say, we are only interested in learning new skills for how we can build an amazing marriage moving forward.

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  Because the proxy war here is the math problem, is the getting the house. The real problem is you're married to a woman who's got a pretty traumatic background, who's now a very immature adult.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:10Dr. John Delony?

  Who, every moment she opens her eyes, she feels less than in her own home.

• 33:16Dr. John Delony?

  And I trust you that you're not like, I don't, I make the money around here and that you drive a, you know, way nicer car than her and that you always decide where y'all go to eat. Like, I'm trusting that that's not you. And that the majority of the challenge here lies in her own chest. Like, she's just got to believe and slowly practice.

• 33:39Dr. John Delony?

  Just because he's the one, like, I, I, my wife largely, she has a small business that she runs, but the vast, vast, vast majority of the income in our house comes with a paycheck with my name on it.

• 33:53Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:53Dr. John Delony?

  But make, make no mistake, it's our money. It's our home.

• 33:57Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's our car. And that's part of what I, that's part of what I struggle with too, is that, you know, I'm of the firm belief that, you know, she, I don't get another vote because, like you said, the paycheck has my name on it. I want to stick all the decisions together, which is what makes it hard for me to, you know, she makes her decisions, you know, we have one bank account, you know, one debit card, everything. And it, it just seems like I just can't, we can't get out.

• 34:24Dr. John Delony?

  But if she's spinning y'all into oblivion, part of loving her well and your family well is to say for a season,

• 34:34Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna keep our household finances separate.

• 34:42Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:45Dr. John Delony?

  And that might cause World War III in your home. Here's the thing, the war is upon you. It's just who wants to call it out and are we going to weather this thing together? Because what's the alternative, man? You're just going to keep resent, you're going to like the, you're tilling the soil of resentment. You're going to get more and more frustrated. You're going to become somebody you don't want to become.

• 35:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:12Speaker 02

  I've noticed that about myself, too.

• 35:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So the only thing we can do, like, we can't control anybody. That's the hardest part of being married is we can only control ourselves. The question we have to ask ourselves is, can I become, will I continue to remain the best version of myself regardless of the circumstances? So I'm always going to be a person looking out for the safety of my home. I'm always going to be the person who love and honors my wife. And sometimes love and honoring my wife is putting really hard stuff on the table. And if she storms away or throws her attacks, I'm going to weather those, that storm. Because I, in this situation, it probably isn't about me.

• 35:51Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, brother. Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you all the Together app. It's not going to be a fix-all for y'all, but it will be a small thing y'all can each do every day.

• 36:01Dr. John Delony?

  And the app continues to grow and grow and expand on what it's capable of doing. And it will walk you through. Now, there's some learning modules in it that that will teach you and her. I'm going to send it to both of you and y'all can use that together. You can just say, hey, this guy on the radio gave this to me.

• 36:17Dr. John Delony?

  I would love for us to try it out together. Now, just give her one thing she can do every day. And it will give you a thing you can do every day. Sometimes in your situation, it's less the big talk, it's I'm going to wake up every day and give her a cup of coffee. I'm going to wake up every day and leave her a note that just tells her how much I love her. Little things. Thanks for the call, brother. It was a tough, tough situation. We come back, a woman asks how to help her husband understand prioritizing their marriage benefits the kids, too. Be right back.

• 36:49Dr. John Delony?

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• 37:21Dr. John Delony?

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• 38:06Dr. John Delony?

  this show.

• 38:09Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, let's go to Sacramento, California and talk to Lauren. Hey Lauren, what's up?

• 38:14Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John, how are you?

• 38:16Dr. John Delony?

  I'm great, how are you?

• 38:17Speaker 00

  I'm a little nervous, but doing good.

• 38:20Dr. John Delony?

  I'm nervous too. I don't want to mess this up. People on the internet sometimes get super mad at me when I mess up. So, I'm gonna try to do this one, do this one, do this one good. So, what's up?

• 38:31Speaker 00

  So, my question for you today is, how can I help my husband understand that prioriting our marriage is beneficial for our children?

• 38:41Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, tell me more.

• 38:42Speaker 03

  Um, so we have two daughters. Um, they're still little right now, so two and four. Um, and he's a great dad, very involved, very hands-on. Um, and so he feels like he needs to pour all of his time and effort into them. Um, or else he's being a bad dad. Like, he's not showing up for them in every way. Um, that also then leads to I'm put on the back burner and our marriage is put on the back burner. And that's been leaving me with a little bit of resentment and just feeling kind of like

• 39:22Speaker 03

  the housemaid and the person that handles everything and I'm not really in the unit.

• 39:28Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm. Yeah. A marriage is a secret world of two people and the kids don't go in that secret world. Jobs don't go in that secret world. Exes don't go in that secret, right? You get what I'm saying?

• 39:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:41Dr. John Delony?

  Um, how has this conversation gone when you've talked to him?

• 39:46Speaker 03

  Um, not well.

• 39:50Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 39:50Speaker 03

  He usually, he usually just kind of says like his job as a father is to take care of his kids and make sure there's a roof over their head and food on the table, which I agree. But also I want our girls to have a good example of what a healthy relationship is.

• 40:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 40:13Speaker 03

  So, and he's, I think that puts him too, that stresses him out too much. That adds too much to his plate to add that.

• 40:22Dr. John Delony?

  You can't, you can't claim this alpha masculinity on one side and then say this is just too much on the other side.

• 40:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right? You get what I'm saying?

• 40:31Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 40:32Dr. John Delony?

  If you're gonna be John Wick on one side, you gotta be John Wick on the other. If, if you wanna say like, oh, it's my job to take care of my daughters. You know what? That's a hundred percent right. And if you're a stay-at-home mom, it's my job to put a roof over this. You're right. It is. And I heard this from Dax once and I just, I just love it. Um.

• 40:54Dr. John Delony?

  Your daughters are gonna marry him. Some version.

• 40:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:59Dr. John Delony?

  And so the, the data's clear on this, but for, forget the data for a second. The greatest gift he can give those girls is to show them a, a man recklessly loving their mother.

• 41:20Dr. John Delony?

  Obsessively loving their mother. Like we, like not weird, but like in, you know, you know what I mean? Like if, if your four-year-old isn't going, ew, dad, or trying to always weasel in between y'all two because he's hugging you so much, then there's a problem.

• 41:38Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, that doesn't happen very often, so.

• 41:42Dr. John Delony?

  So, he's not on the phone, so can I ask you hard questions? Is that okay? And they're gonna, I don't want, I, I, you can choose to hear them as accusations. They're not. They are just open-handed, just being honest, okay?

• 41:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, let's go for it.

• 41:59Dr. John Delony?

  Um, are you who you want to be in your marriage?

• 42:08Speaker 03

  I've been trying better.

• 42:10Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 42:11Speaker 03

  Um, so I've been taking a little bit from your, your podcast. Um, I started getting up in the morning and making him coffee.

• 42:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:23Speaker 03

  Um, I pack his lunch for work.

• 42:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:27Speaker 03

  Um, I try to plan more dates for us to go out and do so that we have one-on-one time, which has been a struggle because he'll usually kind of turn it down or say, oh, we don't have, you know, I need to do these things instead of that.

• 42:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I want to go, I want to go a la, a layer deeper, okay?

• 42:48Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 42:48Dr. John Delony?

  I applaud you for that, like opening your eyes and saying, I'm gonna go first. Amazing, that's awesome. And if behavior's a language, he's telling you, or actually he's using, he's using language as a language, right? Saying, I don't want to.

• 43:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:00Dr. John Delony?

  Deeper than that, when I say, are you becoming the person, are you be, being the person you want to be? Do you feel good in your own skin?

• 43:11Speaker 03

  No.

• 43:12Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 43:14Speaker 03

  Um.

• 43:15Dr. John Delony?

  Do you find yourself angry a lot? Do you find, would you want to hang out with you? Is a harder, harsher way to ask that question.

• 43:22Speaker 03

  I would want to hang out with me when I'm not around him.

• 43:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, tell me about that.

• 43:28Speaker 03

  Um, I feel like I can be more myself when I'm around like my family and friends.

• 43:35Dr. John Delony?

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:36Speaker 03

  I feel like I walk on like tiptoes around him sometimes.

• 43:41Dr. John Delony?

  So what is it about him?

• 43:45Dr. John Delony?

  I, I spent years walking on eggshells in my own house.

• 43:49Dr. John Delony?

  And some of those things were because of the things, some things my wife would say. There was a truth to that. But a lot of the time I walked on eggshells because of stories I told myself.

• 44:02Dr. John Delony?

  That became my reality.

• 44:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, I feel like sometimes.

• 44:11Speaker 03

  If I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. I guess I'm just always worried that he's gonna leave and I don't.

• 44:19Dr. John Delony?

  There it is, right there.

• 44:19Speaker 03

  Really know why.

• 44:20Dr. John Delony?

  That's it. Where does that story come from? Has he told you, if you keep doing this, I'm gonna leave?

• 44:25Speaker 03

  No. Uh, he actually says the opposite, like he's not going anywhere. But I don't feel like it's because of me. I feel like it's because of the kids.

• 44:35Dr. John Delony?

  Is that a story you're telling yourself? That becomes a self fulfilling prophecy?

• 44:39Speaker 03

  Um, maybe. He's kind of. Whenever I've asked him that, like, do you enjoy being around me? Like, am I a friend to you? He just says, well, I'm not going anywhere. We have kids, so.

• 44:56Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's a bad answer. If he was on the phone, I would say that's a terrible way to answer that question.

• 45:00Speaker 03

  And I don't know that if he meant it that way. But that's the way I took it. Was like, it's just because the kids. We're here, we need to make it work, kind of thing.

• 45:14Dr. John Delony?

  So here, it happens by degrees, okay?

• 45:23Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna paint a picture that may or may not be true, okay? But here's one version of how this story can play out. Y'all have this daughter. He's freaked out. He doesn't know anything about having daughters. But all he knows is that everybody says dads are useless and bums and their daughters need their dads. And so he opens up his toolkit and he's got four tools in there. He's got a hammer, a saw, and a chisel and a screwdriver. And he takes those four tools and he does the best he can to build a world for that little girl.

• 45:57Dr. John Delony?

  And he also gets in real time. You're not doing this right. I don't know how to do this. Why aren't you doing this? You never anymore, whatever.

• 46:07Dr. John Delony?

  And slow, tiny little, tiny little things.

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  He recognizes, oh, I can win a little bit more over here. Or I'm in control of what happens next in this relationship. Or to put another way, I'm a big guy and these are little bitty human beings. I can pick them up and move them.

• 46:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And you see him loving well, just not you. Which makes your edges a little sharper and your criticism a little deeper. And your questions, are you, am I even your friend? And he's like, I'm not going anywhere.

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 46:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:40Dr. John Delony?

  And you see how just by degrees, suddenly that gulf gets wider and wider and wider.

• 46:49Dr. John Delony?

  And then you suddenly need him to do X, Y, or Z so that you can be the best version of yourself. And he's like, dude, I'm just gonna stay away into this relationship because at least these two little girls like me.

• 47:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:02Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? And so in a weird way, everybody's trying to do their best. And edges start getting sharper and sharper and sharper. And then you find yourselves on, in opposite oceans. I call it the drift, but y'all just, it just slowly over time. And the only way I've seen people be successful coming back is to literally swipe the deck and say, we've never been married with two little kids. I want you to be the person I can be the most myself. I want my, I want my heart to go, ah, when you drive up, not, uh-oh.

• 47:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:38Dr. John Delony?

  And so we get to decide what our home feels like. And you get to say the adjectives that describe you. I want to become the fun, dancing, laughing, singing, sexy, whatever words you want to use to describe yourself. I want, I'm gonna bring her back.

• 47:57Dr. John Delony?

  And I want, I want to see that guy who used to skip his final exams to come have coffee with me. I want that guy back.

• 48:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:12Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 48:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:17Dr. John Delony?

  If, if, I guess I want you to do the work to find out how much of these stories are stories you've begin telling yourself that have become reality over time?

• 48:27Dr. John Delony?

  Or if you, if you just started playing music when you walked in the door and greeted him at the door, dancing and smiling, like the old days. And again, you may not be a dancer or a smiler. I'm just making stuff up. But, um, that he would shove you away and say, gross, get off me. Well, now you got some real data to work with. Or would he laugh and go, what got into you? All right. And then you make, you can make a crash joke back, right? Like,

• 48:54Dr. John Delony?

  it takes one person to change a relationship.

• 49:00Speaker 03

  Okay, I can definitely do that. I've been trying to be more aware of the energy that I'm putting out.

• 49:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 49:09Speaker 03

  Um,

• 49:11Speaker 03

  so I definitely feel like I can put more effort in on that side. I've been trying to do like small little things to make his days easier. Um, cause I am more so like my love language is acts of service. So.

• 49:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And that's, I think that's a challenge here. What are his?

• 49:28Speaker 03

  Physical touch.

• 49:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 49:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:31Dr. John Delony?

  So what often happens is when we feel a gap in our relationship, we really start trying to love our, our partner well. But we do it in the ways that we like to be loved and it actually drives us further apart.

• 49:44Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 49:47Dr. John Delony?

  And so what does it look like? When he walks in the door to say, I need a big hug.

• 49:55Dr. John Delony?

  And when he starts to pull away, you say, I'm not done yet.

• 50:00Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  Like, it goes back to the roadmap thing, but like, how can I love you today? But I think, I think y'all are at the place where little tiny,

• 50:12Dr. John Delony?

  little tiny adjustments and tweaks aren't what y'all need. You need to say, hey, the marriage we had doesn't exist anymore. We have two young girls. We're different people now.

• 50:23Dr. John Delony?

  Here's, and this is a scary thing to say, here's what I want. I want our home to be filled with laughter and fun.

• 50:30Dr. John Delony?

  Because right now, I think he hears every question you ask as an accusation.

• 50:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, he definitely goes on defense more than

• 50:40Speaker 03

  I would, like, it's not even my intention to be accusatory. It's just questions. And then he kind of, just kind of gets ready to,

• 50:53Speaker 03

  for an argument to happen when that's not even the case. It's just a question, an answer.

• 50:59Dr. John Delony?

  And, and so, instead of saying, hey, um, there's ways to ask those questions that put you at the center, which actually make them invitations instead of what can sound like an accusation. Here's an example.

• 51:13Dr. John Delony?

  Do you even like me anymore?

• 51:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:16Dr. John Delony?

  Versus, the story I'm telling myself is, I've gotten unlikable.

• 51:22Dr. John Delony?

  Have you noticed that?

• 51:26Dr. John Delony?

  Or I find myself sharp and criticizing and kind of lonely, stuck in this house, those two girls. Am I hard to be around sometimes?

• 51:37Dr. John Delony?

  You hear one of those is an accusation. It's, I mean, one of those is invitation, and one of those sounds like, hey, you're not, you're not being my friend enough.

• 51:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's, that's definitely the wording I use is, do you even like me?

• 51:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, which, which, which, what's he supposed to say to that? No, you've, you're not likable anymore.

• 52:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:02Dr. John Delony?

  Or, or he's gonna go, I'm not going anywhere, relax. Which, again, then you're hearing everything he says as, you know, you get what I'm saying? Y'all just getting this dance.

• 52:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 52:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so, clearing the deck and saying, hey, I've made up some stories about myself, about us. I'm sure you have too. I want us to get away for half a day. I've even gotten a babysitter for the two young kids. I want to, we get to decide what our marriage feels like moving forward. We have a brand new marriage with two little girls. We get to pick and maybe neither of y'all have even seen this new marriage in real life. Cool. We get to decide how this house feels. Here's how I want it to feel. I want it to feel sexy. I want it to feel fun. I want it to feel laughter. I want you to be so happy you're home.

• 52:44Dr. John Delony?

  And here's a path towards that. What do you want this house to feel like?

• 52:52Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all just have to decide, hey, we want to build a new marriage and we, that marriage is a secret world. It's ours. It's our, like the two of us, we go in it. And it's nobody else's are in there and we get to decide what's inside.

• 53:04Dr. John Delony?

  But it takes two whole people showing up inside that secret world.

• 53:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:13Dr. John Delony?

  For whatever it's worth, you're worth it. And for whatever, whatever it's worth, I've been exactly where you are, except closer to the edge. My wife too.

• 53:25Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 53:27Dr. John Delony?

  There's a light at the end of the tunnel. If both of y'all could pull up a seat to the table and say, yeah, we can rebuild this thing however we want.

• 53:34Dr. John Delony?

  Cool?

• 53:37Speaker 03

  Cool.

• 53:37Dr. John Delony?

  Hang on the line here. I'm going to hook you up with the Together app also. We'll send it out and ask your husband if he'll do it with you. And use these words, "I want to begin loving you super well." And so here we go. And this will give you a path to love me well. Cool. And I've set aside this time. I want us to go on a marriage retreat and just ask ourselves, what do we want in our marriage? What do we want this thing to look like?

• 54:05Dr. John Delony?

  Cause we can decide whatever it looks like.

• 54:10Dr. John Delony?

  It's a pretty amazing, empowering realization that y'all get to choose. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

• 54:20Dr. John Delony?

  I went into this local store around the corner from my house the other day. I just wanted to buy a few things. At checkout, they wanted my address, my email address, my phone number. They wanted my passport. They didn't really want that. Listen, I just wanted some paper plates and cups and they wanted my soul. Every time you give out your cell number, your email address, or you buy something online, data brokers are grabbing your information and they're selling it to the highest bidder, leaving you vulnerable to spam and scams. If you buy something at a local store and they want all this information, chances are they're selling it behind your back. This is a big part of why I use and recommend Delete Me. Your phone number, your home address, your family's personal information,

• 55:02Dr. John Delony?

  all of this is just floating around online, sitting on data broker sites that you've never even heard of. Delete Me finds your personal information online and they remove it for you. Not just once, they keep monitoring for it and cleaning it up month after month. This allows you to close the gap between what you think is private and what actually is private. You can't build a peaceful life if parts of your life are being bought and sold online behind your back without your permission. Go to joindelete.me/deloney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's joindelete.me/deloney.

• 55:41Dr. John Delony?

  All right, what up, Kelly? What do you got?

• 55:43Speaker 04

  So I have a woman that sent in an email and I thought was an interesting question. So here you go. So Samantha from Wilmington, Delaware writes, she said, "This really isn't a question I would call in about, but more of a general, general question."

• 55:57Dr. John Delony?

  Just pause real quick. Have you ever been to Delaware?

• 55:59Speaker 04

  Nope.

• 56:00Dr. John Delony?

  I've never been either, but I feel like I want to go one day.

• 56:03Speaker 04

  You should do that. It sounds like it is lovely up there, but I

• 56:08Dr. John Delony?

  It seems like it would be beautiful and I don't have anything to base that on, other than it's New England and New England's beautiful.

• 56:12Speaker 04

  Right. The only place I've been up in that area is New York. So, yeah.

• 56:16Dr. John Delony?

  I bet. My wife and I, for our 10th anniversary, went to Boston, Rhode Island and stuff and it was, oh, beautiful.

• 56:21Speaker 04

  I want to go to Maine very, very badly.

• 56:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's where we spent most of our time in Maine.

• 56:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, I've heard that's just amazing.

• 56:26Dr. John Delony?

  It was unbelievable. And the food was astonishing. There was just lobster everywhere.

• 56:30Speaker 04

  And I am good with that.

• 56:32Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, my. It was unbelievable. Okay, so back to Delaware.

• 56:35Speaker 04

  So Samantha in Delaware, she said, "I heard John define anxiety on an episode as, quote, 'bringing a worry about a potential future outcome into the present and trying to solve it for now.' I get that, but what's the difference between that and just trying to be prepared?"

• 56:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's a good question. So

• 56:56Dr. John Delony?

  I would say the difference is a level of intentionality. Meaning

• 57:02Dr. John Delony?

  when you're anxious, it's your body trying to solve this future problem that in many ways, you don't have any A, you don't have any, you can't predict the future. You don't know if that's gonna happen or not. And B, you may not have anything you can do about it. Yet, I'm gonna run around and try to solve this by dispelling energy, by yelling, by screaming, by getting solar panels on a 70-year note because the grid's gonna go down, whatever your thing is, right? Digging a thing in the backyard to hide potatoes in, like, whatever. That's your body saying, "Oh, you don't get what's coming. I gotta solve this right now."

• 57:43Dr. John Delony?

  Planning into the future for, "Hey, college is gonna be here. We need to start saving money, or I wanna retire one day, or I wanna pay off this debt, or hey, dad has Alzheimer's. We need to start planning for, like, we need to make some major changes," or whatever. That's just being intentional. So the difference is when your body takes off on you and says, "I'm gonna solve this in the present right now," and I don't even know if that's real or not. That's the difference. And so, you'll hear me say a lot, "Solve for peace." I don't know what's coming in my life.

• 58:18Dr. John Delony?

  Negative or positive, but I know things are coming. And so that's a big reason. I'm just, I'm not great with numbers. I'm not super quick with math, anything like that. But that's why it was a big deal for me and my wife. Not owe anybody any money. Because if something happens, we'll have some margin to deal with it. Whenever that thing is. That's why I don't over flood my calendar because I don't know what, when you're going to call and say, "Hey, can we do this?" And I'm like, "Yep, let's do it," or whatever. And so those, does that answer the question?

• 58:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think so. Well, and I think there's also a, there's a rumination element to it.

• 58:57Dr. John Delony?

  That's what, when there's no solution and you don't have control over that outcome, you'll loop it and loop it and loop it and loop it. Cause you're, just think of your body like making a, missing an exit and it's just going in circles trying to find that exit to take, to get to whatever Whole Foods, wherever you shop. And you're more of an Audi girl, but, but like,

• 59:17Speaker 04

  Actually, yes.

• 59:18Dr. John Delony?

  I wasn't a diss. I'm just saying like you're a conscious shopper, but there's no exit. You're never going to get off because there's no exit there. So stop driving, right? Hope that, I don't know if that helps or not. I feel like I just made it worse. Ask yourself, is what I'm worried about, what I'm planning for actually true? And the second question is, can I do anything about it? Can any of us do anything about macroeconomic trends? Not really, but as for you and your house, y'all cannot owe anybody any money. If the grid goes down, I'm going to deal with that then. Because my stash of crypto and gold is not, we're going to have bigger problems. So it's just asking ourselves, can I control anything about what I'm worrying about?

• 1:00:03Dr. John Delony?

  And if not, I'm going to set that nonsense down. Bye.