I’ve Married the Same Man 3 Times (Am I Crazy?)

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman wondering if her marriage will work the third time around A young man dealing with low self-confidence A dad struggling now that his daughter is off to college Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 🔥 Reconnect every day. Download the Together app. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  My husband and I, we've been together since high school. We separated a few times and we've even divorced each other twice. So technically, we've been married to each other three times. Can I ever truly forgive him for being unfaithful?

• 0:17Dr. John Delony?

  Have you ever heard me talk about the Twin Towers falling down?

• 0:21Speaker 00

  No.

• 0:21Dr. John Delony?

  When it comes to marriage, okay, so.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, talking to real people going through real life challenges. Thank you for joining us. There's a billion podcasts out there and I'm glad that you are sitting with us. Pull up a seat, grab some drinks and some nachos, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. All right, let's go to Dallas, Texas and talk to Stephanie. What's up, Stephanie?

• 0:57Speaker 00

  Hi.

• 0:58Dr. John Delony?

  How's it going?

• 1:00Speaker 00

  It's okay. It's just going.

• 1:01Dr. John Delony?

  That means not good at all. What's up? What's up?

• 1:06Speaker 00

  So, um, my question is a little bit of a, I guess, 22 years in the making, but I'll give you a little bit of backstory. So my husband and I, we've been together since high school, um, almost 22 years now. We separated a few times and we've even divorced each other twice. So technically, we've been married to each other three times.

• 1:28Dr. John Delony?

  Over 22 years?

• 1:30Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:31Dr. John Delony?

  Wow, okay.

• 1:33Speaker 00

  Um, over the course of the years, we faced a lot of struggles, including me having miscarriages, him being unfaithful multiple times, um, emotional abuse. We've had medical traumas with our children, one of them being carefied of multiple times and being placed on life support at one point. Shortly after that, um, he was unfaithful again. Uh, my husband is a three-time war veteran who also struggles with PTSD. In 2022, uh, he attempted suicide and he was hospitalized for about three months trying to deal with that.

• 2:14Speaker 00

  But it seems like over the course of the 22 years, it's just been one thing after the other. Um, we now have five kids. Our oldest is almost 20 and our youngest is six months old. Uh, she was a complete surprise.

• 2:27Dr. John Delony?

  Ayo.

• 2:28Speaker 00

  But, yeah.

• 2:29Dr. John Delony?

  Good gosh. That's what you needed on top of all this was a six-month-old.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly. But instead of feeling like joy, I feel that sometimes my husband blames me for having another baby, which is also painful.

• 2:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Um, I love him very much and we've worked really hard to make our marriage better. We've done a lot of things to pour into our marriage. Um, and I've forgiven him many times, but deep down I still have so much pain and hurt and anger. Um, I carry a lot of resentment towards him. I guess so. My question is, like, can I ever truly forgive him for being unfaithful, you know, despite past hurts and like work past all that resentment?

• 3:18Dr. John Delony?

  Have you, have you ever heard me talk about the twin towers falling down?

• 3:23Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:24Dr. John Delony?

  When it comes to marriage? Okay. So, um, it's an analogy that I just love and actually use it everywhere. The first time I heard it was from the great Esther Perel, the marriage therapist out of, um, New York. But she said, when somebody cheats in a relationship, and I've actually, I think it's much bigger than that. When you have a kid for the first time, when you get a new job, or you move, or you lose a job, whatever. She described the changes in a marriage like the twin towers have, when they fell. When they were knocked down by terrorists and they fell, you couldn't sweep up all that steel and glass and wood and rebuild those towers using the old materials. You had two choices.

• 4:07Dr. John Delony?

  You could walk away and let nature take it back over. In the next hundred, 200 years, it, it, it would, right? Or you can get in some professionals, you can excavate the whole thing and you can rebuild a new marriage.

• 4:24Dr. John Delony?

  And it sounds like, using that analogy, over the last 22 years, you guys have had one thing after another, after another, after another.

• 4:34Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 4:34Dr. John Delony?

  And you've tried to rebuild your marriage a number of times, which is, which is right and good. I've, I've got 20 different marriages. I've been married 23 years. I've got 20 new marriages, right? We've, for, for various reasons.

• 4:47Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 4:47Dr. John Delony?

  But y'all have tried to rebuild it on top of the existing rubble.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so when you say you're really working on your marriage and you're doing, you're, you're, y'all are working together. What you haven't ever done is excavate the whole thing and start from bedrock, from dirt.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:09Dr. John Delony?

  And until you do that, until you can honestly have a marriage where you can put your hurts on the table and say the things out loud, because you still can't do that.

• 5:21Speaker 00

  No.

• 5:21Dr. John Delony?

  And he's not, he's not well.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:26Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 5:26Speaker 00

  Definitely not.

• 5:27Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm not blaming him. He's, he's just not. It's okay. I love him to death, man. And he's been through hell and back. But he's not well in a place where you could say, hey, this is how I feel. This is what's happened. This is reality for me right now, to where he could go, I hear that. And, and hold it, right? He can't do that. And you can't do that. And so, any work y'all do on your marriage is like trying to build a new building on top of a collapsed infrastructure.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 5:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And so, the path forward for you, yes, you could actually dig through and work on resentment, on coming together, on building a new thing. But he would have to be committed to getting well and whole.

• 6:14Dr. John Delony?

  And you would have to be committed, and both of y'all have to be committed, to excavating this whole thing out and creating a marriage where we can say the things that are true. And right now, y'all don't have that.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  No.

• 6:27Dr. John Delony?

  You're both play, you both play defense in your house, right?

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 6:32Dr. John Delony?

  You protect him from things that are going on inside your chest. He tries to protect you from the things going on inside his heart and his head.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 6:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so, he's got coping strategies. You've got coping strategies. And those strategies pull you both further and further apart.

• 6:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do.

• 6:50Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of we having challenges and these things bring us closer together. Fighting conflict should be a point of connection for couples. And for you guys, because you all have excavated the whole thing, conflict is a point of separation for y'all.

• 7:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's, that's definitely true.

• 7:10Dr. John Delony?

  And so the question I have for you is, what would it look like? If you were to come home and say, hey, I, we have 500 kids. I've got childcare for them. I want us to go out for half a day and clear the whole calendar. And let's pretend we're building a new marriage from scratch, from zero.

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  How do we want this house to feel every morning when you wake up? When I get home, when you get home? How am I able to say, I don't want to be intimate tonight. My head's full of all kinds of old junk. I'm not okay. How is he able to come home and say, I had a really dark day. It was, it was tough for me to get out of bed. And here's what I would love from you today. Like what would that, what would his response be to that?

• 8:01Speaker 00

  Um, I think now more than ever, he is more open to things like that.

• 8:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:10Speaker 00

  Um, I feel like his heart has kind of softened. Um, as our, our older kids are getting older. You know, we feel that we've done all of this stuff and it's kind of messed them up. And I think that we feel, um, the tug more than anything to make things right.

• 8:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  Um, but I don't, I guess I don't even know how that would feel because I don't think that we've ever had that.

• 8:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 8:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 8:51Dr. John Delony?

  Do you think he would entertain it?

• 8:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think that he would. Lately, he's been more willing than I have.

• 9:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:02Speaker 00

  I've just kind of been very closed off.

• 9:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  And so lately, he has been, you know, "Hey, what do you want to do tonight? Let's spend time together." And I'm just like, "Go away."

• 9:12Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and think about those kind of questions. Those are, the Gottmans call them bids. That's his bid for connection with you. And for you, that's like slow dancing on top of a collapsed building.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:26Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so you get in this figure-eight kind of dance where he pursues you, and you're like, "Look around." And then he feels rejected, and then he goes off. And then you're like, "See, I knew he didn't like me, or I'm not enough, or it's my fault we had a baby." And then he tries to reconnect, and y'all just get in this dance, right?

• 9:49Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:50Dr. John Delony?

  And so somebody, if you haven't listened to the show very long, I always say this, somebody has to turn the lights on and turn the music off. Stop dancing. And it usually takes one person. There's two big things here. Number one, if y'all are up for it, and y'all can, I know you got a little baby, and it's complex. Valentine's Day weekend this year, I've got a money and marriage conference, where we're literally this year gonna go through how to rebuild your marriage. Whether it's great, and you're ready for, like, and you've got a kid going off to college, or whether it is just an ash because of infidelity or whatever, we're gonna walk you through how to do it, and you and your husband can be my VIP guest at that event, okay?

• 10:31Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:31Dr. John Delony?

  If y'all want to come to Nashville. It's a long weekend, it may not work because you got a toddler, and you got a baby, you got an infant. So it may be tougher, and y'all may not have the money to fly yourself down here to Nashville or whatever, but if y'all want to come, you can be my guest here, okay? That's number one.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 10:45Dr. John Delony?

  And the whole weekend is about coming back together and rebuilding a new thing, right? The second part underneath this is...

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  You trying that out, clearing the deck, and you look at him and say, "I see a softening in you."

• 11:02Dr. John Delony?

  "I see your heart opening up, and I feel myself, after 20 years of having to keep this whole thing together, now that you're holding it, I'm feeling myself just wanting to let go and walk away from the whole thing."

• 11:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:16Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And if you look at him and you say those things, "I see the changes you're trying to make, and now I'm struggling? I want to rebuild this thing from the ground up. Are you in?"

• 11:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:29Dr. John Delony?

  And see what he says to that. And if he says, "I'm all in," y'all are both gonna need to go see somebody together, see a counselor together. And here's more important. Y'all are both going to have to decide, what do you want your house to feel like, and what must be true for that to happen?

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:48Dr. John Delony?

  And when I say, "What do you want your house to feel like?", I want you to feel like you can say anything that you need to say.

• 11:57Dr. John Delony?

  Like, "Hey, we have this six-month-old kid, and neither of us planned this. And by the way, new mom, it's okay to be really upset that you had a fifth kid on accident. It's okay."

• 12:09Dr. John Delony?

  You're not a bad mom.

• 12:12Dr. John Delony?

  You're not. You're not.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 12:15Dr. John Delony?

  It's okay. Because I know you're gonna love this kid, and I know you're gonna give this kid the world.

• 12:18Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 12:19Dr. John Delony?

  And it's okay that this was not in the plan at all, and here we go again.

• 12:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, definitely.

• 12:25Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And it's also okay that your four other kids, every time you had a toddler, is when your husband felt like he wasn't enough around the house, and he went and did something that violated his values, violated y'all's marriage values, and you see this whole thing spinning up again.

• 12:42Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:43Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 12:44Speaker 00

  That's definitely true. Yeah.

• 12:45Dr. John Delony?

  Your body would be failing you if it wasn't sounding every alarm you have right now. It's been through this four other times.

• 12:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? That doesn't make you crazy. That makes your body working perfectly.

• 12:56Dr. John Delony?

  And for him to be like, "I have messed up four times in a row, and I don't want to do it this time. I'm gonna be extra attentive, extra open, extra soft in my spirit." And you being like, "Dude, I'm nursing a six-month-old again. Get off of me." Right? All that is normal.

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:14Dr. John Delony?

  But normal's not gonna cut it this time. We gotta excavate the whole site and build from the floor up.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 13:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 13:22Dr. John Delony?

  So I want you to ask him if he's all in to rebuild from the floor up. And I want you to be honest about the things that you need, which are food, shelter, right, and water. And what do you want from him? And I want you to be honest with him about you don't have these tools in your toolkit yet, and I want you to commit to getting these things, these tools. And what I, what I mean by tools? How to just sit with a six-year-old in color for a while?

• 13:50Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:51Dr. John Delony?

  Without feeling like a failure, which most dads do. How to change a diaper when you don't think you're doing it right? And so you feel like a loser and a failure, and so you go to work. And you as being able to hear from your wife, who you love. Y'all been married three times. Y'all keeps keep going around the merry-go-round. This is amazing.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:12Dr. John Delony?

  And, and by the way, at some point, I want y'all to have individual conversations. Y'all on one side of a booth and your 20-year-old, your 17-year-old, your 15-year-old on the other side of the booth.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 14:23Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to be honest. We didn't do a good job. We didn't love each other, right?

• 14:29Speaker 00

  We have told our other, our older kids, you know, we have sat them down, especially after getting remarried this last time. Like, hey, you know, this is something that we want to do and we're, we're sorry for all of the hurt, but I feel like then things happen like we talked about and it just spirals again. So here we are back in that same.

• 14:53Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 14:54Speaker 00

  You know, same routine.

• 14:55Dr. John Delony?

  Then you, you caught the spiral, though. You, you caught it. And then y'all commit to, okay, we're here, here we go. We're heading down. We're just gonna turn the music off. We're gonna turn the lights on. We're gonna come back to the table. And by the way, it seems like some huge thing. And it is. Excavation's huge, but it, it starts in little tiny steps. So if you think about, we gotta excavate, we gotta get some big trucks out here and some big front loaders and clean all this up. Okay, that sounds huge, but it happens scoop by scoop.

• 15:28Dr. John Delony?

  Just piece of concrete by piece of concrete. What does it look like in a marriage? Every Sunday night, no matter what game is on, no matter where I've been, on what hunt I've been on, no matter how stressed we are, whatever. Every Sunday night at eight o'clock, we sit down and we go over the calendar from the upcoming week. We go over the budget for the upcoming week. And we ask each other, how can I love you this week? It's that small, scoop by scoop. Every morning, every single morning, we're both gonna go do something that is good for our bodies, which means the other person's gonna have to warm up a bottle while you're out walking, or going for a walk, or going for exercise, or going for coffee with a girlfriend.

• 16:11Dr. John Delony?

  You are gonna have to get the other three kids ready while he's off exercising before he comes back home. It is these little bitty steps that add up over time with like compound interest that change everything. It's not this huge fall off a cliff, and the huge shoot back up the mountain, and then the fall off the cliff. It is step by step by step by step by step. So, here's the deal, Stephanie. I'm gonna give you every tool I got in my toolkit to help you guys out. Number one, I'm gonna give you a year to the Together app. It's my marriage app. It's just daily challenges that you can do for each other. Okay, you can do it by yourself. Just it's gonna give you a daily challenge to give to your spouse, or y'all can link up and do it together. I'm gonna give it to you for free for a year. Also, I'm gonna give you my book,

• 16:55Dr. John Delony?

  Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want y'all to go through that book together and use it as a roadmap to create peace in your house. And this could be what y'all use at your breakfast. Okay, and I'm gonna give y'all every dollar, which is the app to get your money right. And here's what getting your money right as a couple usually does. It forces y'all to have conversations once a week. It forces y'all to have conversations about values, what we're spending our money on, how much things cost, how much we owe, all these things that create stress storms inside of a house. And I'm gonna give y'all a couple of VIP tickets to the Money in Marriage over Valentine's Day weekend if y'all are able to get to Nashville. So, I'm gonna give you every tool I got in my toolkit, and it's gonna be up to you all, you and your husband,

• 17:40Dr. John Delony?

  to say, okay, we got married a third time. We're not going back down that road. We're gonna stop it before we fall, we start heading downhill. One of y'all has to have the courage to turn the lights on, turn the music off, go to breakfast, clear the deck and say, all right, we're going to build a new marriage from the floor up. Are you in? And hopefully he says, I'm all in. We're going to talk about hurt, we're going to talk about pain, we're going to talk about loss, and then we're going to go do the next right things to clear this thing out and to build something amazing and new. Thank you so much for the call, sister. I'm here to support you and your husband anytime y'all need. Call me anytime. All right, when we come back, a man wonders how to stop feeling so insecure around his friends and his workplace.

• 18:25Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. The holidays are a time of traditions, both good ones and not so good ones. The holidays can be busy, stressful, and for many of us, lonely. And that's why it's a great time to reflect on what the good traditions are during our holiday season and the traditions that aren't so great. And if you need to dig into some of those not so great traditions, therapy can give you space to reflect on the old traditions and create new ones. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. They've served over 5 million people globally with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule.

• 19:10Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's the same thing every year. Every Christmas, we promise ourselves that we're going to slow down and focus on the right things. And then what do we do? We sprint right into December, shopping, parties, running up credit cards, wrapping presents, travel, getting all frustrated, these expectations. And before we know it, we're fried and exhausted again. And the things that should matter most like peace and connection and prayer, they all get shoved to the bottom of our to-do lists. This year, I want you to stop and make it different. You can choose peace. I promise you, you can choose rest. And to do so, I want you to check out Hallow's Pray 25 Challenge, Be Still.

• 20:19Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:06Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's roll out to H-Tone and talk to Sam. What up, Sam?

• 21:12Speaker 02

  Hey, Dr. John, how you doing?

• 21:14Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great, brother. How are you?

• 21:16Speaker 02

  Honestly, it's a pretty good day, pretty good day.

• 21:19Dr. John Delony?

  Outstanding.

• 21:20Speaker 02

  First time in Houston, it's dropped on temperature below like 80 degrees.

• 21:25Dr. John Delony?

  Whoa, it's a blizzard. It's a blizzard.

• 21:27Speaker 02

  Basically winter.

• 21:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, man. That's where I grew up, man. Those, those below 80 days are magic days, man. It's awesome. What's up, man?

• 21:34Speaker 02

  That's right. Yeah, so, um, man, I feel like I've just been feeling really, um, it's trying to deal with insecurity at work and with my friendships.

• 21:46Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about insecurity. What does that mean?

• 21:49Speaker 02

  So, to give you a little context, I guess, um, back when I was in high school, I was, you know, diagnosed with OCD and that has taken many forms over the years and with, you know, great therapy and meds, like I'm in a really good place now.

• 22:09Dr. John Delony?

  How extreme is yours?

• 22:12Speaker 02

  Um, well, when I was first diagnosed, it was, it was really bad, you know, washing my hands till they were bleeding and it was, uh, it was, it was, it was really, really rough.

• 22:23Dr. John Delony?

  What about the thoughts? You had high compulsion. What about thoughts?

• 22:27Speaker 02

  High, yeah, intrusive thoughts. Yeah, it was, it was, it was pretty, it was pretty intense and it was just like kind of feeling out of body, like there was another voice in my head.

• 22:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  Um, just kind of telling me things to do that I couldn't, couldn't really avoid. And, uh, once I got like one thing under control, it was just like, felt like the next thing

• 22:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 22:46Speaker 02

  took over and it matched itself onto my face for a while, just telling me I wasn't good enough or I wasn't, you know?

• 22:52Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 22:53Speaker 02

  It, it, there's just many ways that it, it kind of took over and one by one, just kind of tackled them through the

• 22:58Dr. John Delony?

  Cool.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  years and, and, um, now it's just, man, I'm really grateful. I just feel like I'm in a, I am in a better headspace. I just feel like I have a better understanding of that OCD voice.

• 23:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Can I tell you this? That's one, that's one of my diagnostics and, and from way back in the day, right? And mine wasn't as extreme as yours. It was different. Um, but there is something about feeling like you can't trust your own body. That is underneath all that's terrifying, right?

• 23:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, it is.

• 23:31Dr. John Delony?

  Cause if you can't trust you, how can the world, can a, can a girlfriend trust you? Or how can an employer trust you? How can your family trust you if you don't trust you, right?

• 23:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:41Dr. John Delony?

  It's exhausting.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  Exactly right.

• 23:42Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want to tell you, I'm proud of you, dude. I'm proud of you for grinding it out slowly, but sure.

• 23:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, I really appreciate that. It is, I mean, yeah, there are parts like that, but that is, that is true. I mean, it is, it's very, it's very exhausting. I mean, I just, I wonder sometimes if someone were to plug my brain to their head.

• 24:01Dr. John Delony?

  No, dude, you don't, nobody, trust me, nobody needs to know the thoughts going on in our heads on a loop, right?

• 24:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:08Dr. John Delony?

  Um, but what's important is that once you can separate yourself from that voice, realizing, oh, that's not me. That's a voice in my mind. That's, that to me is step one of victory, right?

• 24:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:22Dr. John Delony?

  It's amazing.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 24:23Dr. John Delony?

  So, so where are these feelings of insecurity? Or let me, let me change that question. Take feelings off of the table.

• 24:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:32Dr. John Delony?

  What is proof of you're not good enough at work?

• 24:38Speaker 02

  Um, I think at work, it's maybe less about what's happening like at work. I feel like I'm doing pretty well in my job. I just, I fall really quickly into a spirit of comparison with my peers.

• 24:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:52Speaker 02

  And just like, you know, we all graduated college, you know, and now we're moving on to this next stage of life where everyone's starting to get like money.

• 24:59Dr. John Delony?

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  And, and it's like, wow, man, like what they're doing at their job is maybe more impressive or more, um, requires more like intellect, you know, than, than maybe what I'm doing. And I, I just feel like maybe I could be doing more. Um, I don't, I don't know. It's, it's less maybe specifically with my job and more with like my friends, like I have the best friends in the world. I, I have the best, best guys. I'm getting married actually in March. And so, um, super stoked about that. And these, these guys are all going to be standing next to me. And I mean, I love them like brothers. Um, but I have found that, I

• 25:42Speaker 02

  have found that lately, the thing that I've been kind of hyper focusing on, better for worse, is like, we rib each other a lot, right? I mean, it's just like, guys, it's just like our love language. It's just how I, that's just how I connect. It's just, we're just constantly like joking with each other. And, and I don't want to change the dynamic, but lately it's just, I feel like I have this reputation that's kind of like the idiot.

• 26:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 26:08Speaker 02

  You know, it's just, I just think that I'm, I don't, I don't know. It's like maybe all the jokes is like, it's just, I'm sensing a common theme where I'm just constantly saying something dumb, or I'm maybe not understanding something that they are. And I'm sure if I told them this, they would all be like, oh, my bad, dude. Like, we had no idea. But I, I don't know if I want to do that. Like, I don't want to change the dynamic because I want to, I want to be able to give it and take it.

• 26:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 26:38Speaker 02

  You know what I mean?

• 26:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 26:40Speaker 02

  So.

• 26:41Dr. John Delony?

  I, I think it's.

• 26:44Dr. John Delony?

  I don't have two PhDs because I'm the smartest guy in the room. I have two PhDs because I've always felt like the dumbest guy in the room. And I was constantly, for years, desperate for someone to tell me that I was smart. Pathologically desperate. And so I want to tell you, whatever you think you're gonna go achieve to get that sense, it's, you can't catch it. And it wasn't until I crossed that, what, third finish line from a master's degree to a doctorate, to another doc, finally I was like, alright, this isn't the problem.

• 27:26Dr. John Delony?

  The problem is, I don't like myself, and I am casting my own judgment on myself into the hearts and minds of my closest buddies.

• 27:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:44Dr. John Delony?

  And in the same way that you would never, because you probably have one friend that's super anal retentive, right? That's like a nerd, like super list maker. And you got one buddy that's just kind of like dumb as a box of hair, but it's making a ton of money, right? You got that friend too?

• 27:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:59Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, you would never say something with the intent of hurting them.

• 28:06Speaker 02

  Right, of course.

• 28:07Dr. John Delony?

  But you would definitely say something to poke and rib at them, right? And my guess is, they feel the exact same way about you. The difference is, what you go looking for in the world, you are sure to find, as Brene Brown says. And you are desperate to find people to prove to you that you're as lousy as you look in the mirror and think you are. And so you hear jokes and connection from your guy buddies as truth, because it confirms the story that you already have about yourself, which is there's something wrong with you. That somehow you're not enough.

• 28:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:49Dr. John Delony?

  And I want to tell you this is just not true, man.

• 28:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:53Dr. John Delony?

  Like, when I hear you talk, I hear an absolute fighter who's gonna be one of the most compassionate coworkers. And what business do you work in?

• 29:04Speaker 02

  Uh, I'm a financial consultant.

• 29:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Oh, my gosh. Okay. You are gonna be one of the most compassionate people when guys like me show up at your door freaked out about the world imploding.

• 29:17Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 29:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:19Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna rise through the ranks of that job so fast, not because you're great with math, AI can do that nonsense, but because you know how to sit with exhausted, fried, terrified people, because you've been there.

• 29:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:35Dr. John Delony?

  It usually takes a while for the market to kept, to catch up to that sort of relational person.

• 29:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:48Dr. John Delony?

  And so here's what you and I both know, we share this together, that our feelings are very big and very loud, and they most often don't tell us the truth. Fair?

• 29:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, cool. We have that data point. That's awesome. And so what's important for guys like me and you to do is to go do the next right thing.

• 30:09Dr. John Delony?

  To ask when our feelings get really loud, to be direct with our questions in a kind way.

• 30:17Dr. John Delony?

  And three, find places where we can serve other people, because that changes the voice and changes our internal

• 30:26Dr. John Delony?

  default setting, that we are dumb and losers to, maybe not the smartest guys in the world, but we can sit with hurting people. We can sit with people who need support and care and love, because we've been there. Is that fair?

• 30:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. No, that's, that's, that's very fair. Would you say, and this could be the, you know, Steve voice talking, but would you say that there's merit in me, I feel like I've been overthinking a lot of my conversations now with my friends, because I don't want to say stuff to them that is hurtful, you know? Whether it's before, I would be like, "Bro, you are actually the dumbest man I've ever met," and we would laugh. But, but now it's like, I don't want to say something like that, because I don't want them to take it, like, I don't know, like, where do I draw that line?

• 31:10Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, that's just, that's just, that's just you growing up and being wise.

• 31:15Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna tell you, I have shifted over the years

• 31:19Dr. John Delony?

  from I want to be the guy with the joke pointing out the dumb thing.

• 31:23Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:24Dr. John Delony?

  To I want to make sure every, I just got done with a 10 day run with some of my oldest friends in the world. I had speaking events all through Texas and into another state and every step of the way, I stayed with friends, went to dinner with friends, old friends, went hunting with an old friend, like, and I needed every one of them to know that I'm so proud of them that I love them and I'm grateful for them.

• 31:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that's a shift for me. And can I also tell you that one of those guys that I stayed at his house with his family? He still goes by Fat John. That's his name. And he still calls me Hyper John. So that didn't change. Our poking at each other doesn't change, but as you get older and you get wiser, you realize bids for connection don't have to be poke first, show up second. It can be, hey dude, I love you first.

• 32:23Dr. John Delony?

  And the old nicknames are gonna stay. This is just you getting wiser, brother.

• 32:28Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you feel a sense of, I'm still one of the guys, I still want to hang out, these are still my ride, these guys are gonna stand by me in my wedding and hold me accountable for the rest of my life. Amazing. And it's okay to say, hey, before we do this, I want each one of you to know what you mean to me and I'm gonna write it out, I'm gonna read it to you.

• 32:49Dr. John Delony?

  That'd be amazing.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:51Dr. John Delony?

  So that's where I would start with those relationships and at work.

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  Listen, insecurity, this idea of, Kelly, what's it called when you, I just lost it. It is, oh, imposter syndrome. I just lost it. I felt you, you just channeled it into my head. So thank you for that. Imposter syndrome. It's simply the fear that other people are judging you as harshly as you're judging yourself. Stop. And if you got OCD, those judgment voices get loud and they get repetitive and they get on a loop. Everybody I know judges themselves way harsher than anybody else judges them. Way harsher. And so the path forward is not to think your way out of this thing, but to

• 33:37Dr. John Delony?

  take the next right action. Take the next right big step.

• 33:43Dr. John Delony?

  I'm really feeling myself not wanting to clown on my buddies anymore. I just want to tell them that I love them. Cool, do that. And if they don't want to hang out with a guy that celebrates them, then that relationship has kind of come to its end.

• 33:55Dr. John Delony?

  My guess is they'll do the same for you. And if you get tired of people piling up on you and piling up on you, ask one of them, pull them aside, go grab a drink, get some coffee and just say, "You think I'm stupid?" And they'll be like, "No, you're the smartest guy I know. That's why we make fun of you. That's why we give you a hard time." Or, "Yeah, dude, you say the dumbest things. That's why we love you." And you can get some of that confirmation one-on-one. In a big group, everyone's going to pile up and be silly. But Sam, I'm hearing an absolute rock star. I'm hearing a guy that is about to get married, who's nervous about getting married, which you should be, and excited, which you should be. I hear a guy that's transitioning from high school guy to college guy to now a grown-up guy. And you're going to see some friends make a bunch out of the gate and not out of the gate. And you're going to have friends that lose jobs.

• 34:40Dr. John Delony?

  You'll lose jobs, you'll get jobs. This is just that next stage. And it feels unsettled. And when you get unsettled, your body goes to OCD. Some people's body goes to anxious. Some people's bodies go to, "I don't want to get out from one of these blankets." All that's fine. It's about what am I going to do next? What actions am I going to take?

• 35:01Dr. John Delony?

  And so here's what I want you to do, Sam. I want you to write yourself a letter to one month after you're married you. And I want you to thank yourself for the things you started doing today.

• 35:15Dr. John Delony?

  Congratulate yourself.

• 35:18Dr. John Delony?

  Write yourself a letter on what kind of husband you're going to be, the kind of person you're going to be. Write yourself a letter about the actions you're going to take to be a great friend, great husband, great employee. And we're going to keep revisiting that. And then I want you to write each one of your groomsmen a short note that you're going to read to them face-to-face in front of everybody. And you may be the guy that changes that dynamic. But don't lose ribbon, don't lose laughing, just talking crap with your buddies. That is a great way to provide levity and joy. It's awesome. Thank you for the call, my brother. All right, we come back. A man asks how to cope with the grief of his child leaving for college.

• 35:59Dr. John Delony?

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• 36:43Dr. John Delony?

  They're a way to help your loved ones get deep sleep, get recharged, and feel great. And as always, Cozy Earth products come with a 100-night sleep trial. Try them out, and if you don't love them, you can return them hassle-free. I am telling you, you will never want to return Cozy Earth Sheets. Head to cozylearth.com and use code DELONY for up to 40% off. Just be sure to place your order by December 12th for guaranteed delivery by Christmas. That's cozylearth.com/deloney, use code DELONY. All right, let's go out to Detroit, Rock City, talk to Dave. What's up, Dave?

• 37:25Speaker 03

  Hey, Dave. Oh, I'm sorry. Hi, John. How you doing?

• 37:27Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. How are you, man? You're Dave, I'm John.

• 37:30Speaker 03

  Yes, I'm sorry.

• 37:31Dr. John Delony?

  It's all good. What's up?

• 37:33Speaker 03

  All right, paint you a quick picture. I'm 45 years old. I've been married to my wife for 24 years. We have four kids. They go in 19, 16, 11, and 8. We have absolutely clawed our way to get to where we're at right now in our life. We have tried to do everything intentional. You know, my wife is absolutely my best friend. She is my counter shenanegator. We date weekly. We are best friends. We've done everything we can do to get to this point. And I am getting Now to where I guess as a man I'm starting to exhale a little bit. There's been several times where her and I've been together and we just said, you know what?

• 38:18Speaker 03

  Hey, we made it. It's like we're there. We're, we're, it's, you can kind of start to see the fruit of your labor. And, um, you know, we, we both came from nothing. I came from nothing and I've absolutely done everything in my power to get where I'm at.

• 38:31Dr. John Delony?

  Are you talking about, are you mostly talking about, uh, you, you said some amazing things about your marriage and your relationship. Are you talking about that is where you're exhaling or are you talking about financially? Like you've scratched and clawed and you've made money or both? Okay.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  All encompassing. So we have, uh, you know, I could have saved more money. I could have done a lot more things to put us in a lot better financial position where I'm at now. But we are in a good position now financially. We, and, and we live a very, very fulfilling life. We're extremely active in our church. In fact, that's where we met 25 years ago. Um, and we have, you name it, we have, we have houses and cars and trucks and RVs and ATVs and all this. Stuff that for lack of a better word, we're enslaved to, but nevertheless, we, and we've taken vacations and we've tried to do everything right and we've been very good at it.

• 39:22Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 39:22Speaker 03

  So I say that to say this, now we're in a position in our life where, um, approximately 18 months ago, my oldest, my daughter, uh, left for college.

• 39:31Dr. John Delony?

  Oh gosh, that's the worst dude.

• 39:35Speaker 03

  Well, I, I, I, I thought I was prepared. I thought like, yeah, but it's, it's gonna be sad and. You know, you know, and, and like, yeah, I get it. But I want to tell you something, the minute, so we drove her to college. Uh, she lives, it's, it's approximately four hours away. So it's not too, too far, but yet it gives us the separation. It gives her some freedom. But yet she's not so far from home that she can't, uh, reach out and we can't be there if, if she needs us. So, um, so 18 months ago, we drop her off to college. And literally as I got in the car and I'm driving home, it hit me. It hit me so hard.

• 40:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, dude.

• 40:09Speaker 03

  And it was like, it was like, it's over.

• 40:14Speaker 03

  It's it's it's over and and I and I and and and it's it's like I feel like personally that I missed it. That I was so focused on clawing and scratching and getting there and getting there and the next thing and the next job and the next, I mean, you name it, I did it, whatever it took, I got after it and my wife the same and I didn't miss anything. Physically, I was in every school play and I was at every birthday. It was very intentional that, but I it was like a light switch and we got home and her bedroom's empty and the spot where she parks her car is empty and that portion of the

• 40:52Speaker 03

  house is quiet and I see photos of of a long time ago when my nucleus was there and I feel and I can see photos of myself in the background and I and I and I'm like, you idiot, you missed it and there's there's nothing I can do about it and it's not just because of her, her leaving is what struck me, it's that it's over and and we were so hard.

• 41:19Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, you keep saying that, what's over?

• 41:21Speaker 03

  So when I say it's over, I think their childhood, that kind of that that nucleus that we formed, that thing that was always there when I came home and the noise and the chaos and at the time, and I don't mean to be cliche, but you know, it it seemed like a hassle.

• 41:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, totally.

• 41:40Speaker 03

  And looking back on it and at the time, and I'm still do this and it's part of my personality is I'm always looking to the next thing and I just feel like mentally I wasn't there. I didn't I didn't breathe it in. I didn't I didn't realize how great it was because I was too focused on the next thing. I was thinking, well, I do this, it's gonna be that much better and to be honest, that got us to where we're at.

• 42:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 42:02Speaker 03

  So it did bear some fruit.

• 42:03Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, you're you're you're exchanging guilt for grief. You're you're in an effort to.

• 42:17Dr. John Delony?

  And it feels like in an effort to avoid the fact, not that it's all over, and by the way, it is, it is, it goes so fast, dude. So fast. But it's also changing, though. And for a guy that's always looking over the cor- over his shoulder for the next thing, I want to prepare you for your relationship with your daughter has 50 more years to it. Forty more years to it. And it's just gonna get more awesome. It's different.

• 42:54Dr. John Delony?

  And she's not gonna be able, you're not gonna be able to pick her up anymore.

• 42:57Speaker 02

  Right.

• 42:59Dr. John Delony?

  But it's about to get a different kind of awesome. But I want you to not try to like, go to guilt. I want you just to exhale and say, dude, I did a good job. I scratched and clawed, and yeah, I would do things differently. I've got an eight-year-old, so I'm gonna do some things differently. That's amazing. That's what, that's what wisdom is, is learning. And for a cautionary tale for young, young guys,

• 43:25Dr. John Delony?

  you, you can say like, hey, you think that these four-wheelers are gonna bring you joy. They're not. But also, you've got some great memories on those four-wheelers with those kids, don't you?

• 43:35Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And so underneath all of this, can I just tell you it's okay to just be super sad?

• 43:43Speaker 02

  Right.

• 43:44Dr. John Delony?

  A part of your heart just moved out.

• 43:46Speaker 02

  Right.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  And dude, I was just, I was just in far west Texas with a awesome guy. He is a manufacturing business. He makes a jillion dollars. One of the greatest, kindest guys I've ever met. We went on a wild hunting trip together. Awesome guy. And his daughter just moved out. And he told me, you think you know how bad this hurts. You have no idea.

• 44:13Speaker 02

  Right.

• 44:14Dr. John Delony?

  And I've been, I worked in residence life. I worked in colleges for 20 years. I've hugged sobbing dads my entire career in hallways of torments. What you're experiencing is very universal.

• 44:26Dr. John Delony?

  And it's, it's, you didn't do anything wrong, brother. Sounds like you changed your family tree.

• 44:33Dr. John Delony?

  And you'll learn some things along the way, and this is just one of those things that's just hard.

• 44:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, uh, I, it, I, not to cut you off, but I, you know, I, it's not just her, it's the whole, it's all, it's my whole life, the nucleus, just, it was, I, I become instantly aware that, oh, I, I had it then, and I thought when I got here, I would be, it would be more freedom, more happiness, and I just.

• 45:00Dr. John Delony?

  You thought it would feel different.

• 45:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I, and I, and we're supposed to be happy right now, and it's, it's funny, because it's, you know, I, I took her to college, so she's a sophomore this year, I took her to college just myself, and helped her move in, and as I drove away, it, I was like a reliving it again.

• 45:16Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 45:17Speaker 03

  Ripping the band-aid off again.

• 45:18Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 45:19Speaker 03

  And, and then so I, I get home, and I'm, I'm looking at photos, and, and I'm just, not just her, just in general, of, of, you know, previous baby photos, and I'm in the background and so forth, and I'm like, I don't, I don't remember that, I don't, I don't remember it.

• 45:32Dr. John Delony?

  None of us do. There's nothing wrong with you. Let me, let me, let me, let me ask you this question. Because this is one of the most common things I hear, especially from men, in, in very similar situations from you. A, you did the next right hard thing, which is, my marriage is going to be different than the one I saw growing up.

• 45:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, 100%.

• 45:59Dr. John Delony?

  My finances are going to be different, my kids are going to have a different kind of life than the one I had growing up. And you not only felt the pain from your childhood, but you did the next right thing, which is super commendable. And you've been met with a great curse, which is, you crossed a finish line financially. You got an amazing young daughter out of the house and into college with a set of values, a set of morals, a set, a, a great picture of what, a, a dad who loves his wife, like, she's got a, a picture in her head now, that's going to be hard for any knuckle-headed kid at college to live up to, because of you. And you went with you.

• 46:46Dr. John Delony?

  That little kid that's still wondering, "Why is dad gone all the time?"

• 46:52Dr. John Delony?

  That little kid that was wondering, "Why can't I have shoes like those kids in my class?"

• 46:58Dr. John Delony?

  That kid turned 45.

• 47:02Dr. John Delony?

  And the only person that can't see the amazing transformation you've given your family is you. Cause you went with you. Whatever success you had, that lingering self-doubt, "Not enough, why did mom leave?" Whatever your story is, went with you.

• 47:20Dr. John Delony?

  And when I hear you say, "I'm in the background of all these pictures," you know what I hear? I hear a guy who's underneath the whole family, holding the thing up, so that picture could be taken in the first place.

• 47:33Dr. John Delony?

  It's noble. It's right. It's good. And so is wisdom, saying, "I'm not working another weekend to buy another boat. I'm gonna spend that weekend just coloring with my eight-year-old." That's awesome. That's just wisdom, brother. But also wisdom is, you finally got your family to a safe place, and now finally, I want you to look in the mirror

• 47:58Dr. John Delony?

  and deal with that guy.

• 48:04Dr. John Delony?

  And this will probably be the hardest battle you've ever fought.

• 48:08Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you're gonna have to change your inner narrative about yourself. Cause even amongst all of this blessing, you still think you let somebody down. But the real challenge is, you sitting down with your 19-year-old daughter and saying, "Hey, you had a ringside seat to a guy that never thought he was enough." I wanna tell you about me growing up.

• 48:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:32Dr. John Delony?

  How often is your wife said she loves you and you're proud of you, and your first thought is, "Nuh-uh, I could lose 10 pounds. I need to go do this." If I...

• 48:40Dr. John Delony?

  How often does that happen?

• 48:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's every time.

• 48:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 48:43Speaker 03

  She says it a lot.

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 48:45Speaker 03

  She's very intentional with that. She's clearly the saint between the two of us.

• 48:50Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I think you're a saint too. I think the reason you don't think you're a saint is because that inner voice is so loud and so dark.

• 49:00Dr. John Delony?

  You've given peace to everyone in your family. The person I want to have peace now is you.

• 49:07Dr. John Delony?

  And then, brother, this is the pot talking to the kettle here.

• 49:15Dr. John Delony?

  You went through pretty hellacious times growing up, didn't you?

• 49:19Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, yeah, the family was, was a mess.

• 49:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 49:23Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 49:24Dr. John Delony?

  You have dark stuff that you never told anybody?

• 49:27Speaker 03

  Uh, no, no, she, she knows everything.

• 49:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, besides her?

• 49:34Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, of course, besides her.

• 49:36Dr. John Delony?

  You've told people besides her?

• 49:39Speaker 03

  Um, yeah, I think so. I, you know, I don't, I don't have like sexual abuse or anything like that.

• 49:45Dr. John Delony?

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 49:46Speaker 03

  You know, broken home, parents are alcoholics, and they remarried. It was just, it was just a mess and, and.

• 49:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, but, but listen, that means you have a nine-year-old inside of your chest that is asking every morning you open your eyes, what was so bad about me that you chose that?

• 50:05Dr. John Delony?

  And then the next step, because you're a man who is scratched and clawed, I don't ever want a nine-year-old to feel that way again. So in my house, my kids are gonna have everything, have every opportunity. I'm gonna make this marriage work. I'm gonna find an amazing woman. And I'm not gonna believe her when she says I'm worthy of, of, of being proud of, but I'm gonna keep going.

• 50:26Dr. John Delony?

  And what I want you to do this evening, after that eight-year-old's gone to bed, I want you to go write a letter to that nine-year-old self inside your chest, to you.

• 50:37Dr. John Delony?

  Or close your eyes and picture this. I want you to picture your dad pulling out of your childhood driveway and going to the bar.

• 50:44Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to picture nine-year-old you standing at the edge of that driveway, watching him drive off and turning back around. And that nine-year-old you looking at grown-up you and asking, why is daddy leaving again?

• 50:58Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to write nine-year-old you a letter saying, hey, none of that was your fault.

• 51:06Dr. John Delony?

  None of it.

• 51:08Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to let that nine-year-old, hey, we made it.

• 51:13Dr. John Delony?

  And you were worth being loved and hugged and hung out with and laughed with all the time. You were worth getting driven to college and having a parent being real sad you were going to.

• 51:22Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:27Dr. John Delony?

  But freedom for you, my brother, will be letting this little nine-year-old finally go play.

• 51:34Dr. John Delony?

  Cause that nine-year-old's still protecting you to this day.

• 51:41Dr. John Delony?

  And you gotta hear it from another guy that's about your age in a almost similar life. My son's 15, not 19. I'm so proud of you, dude.

• 51:57Dr. John Delony?

  So proud of you, man. Thank you. This is what breaking the cycle looks like and breaking the cycle comes with scars too.

• 52:09Dr. John Delony?

  And you have put everybody else ahead of you for all these years and now I want you to

• 52:19Dr. John Delony?

  find peace inside your chest. Write that nine year old a letter. If you're a real gangster, you're gonna read it to your wife. If you're a real, real gangster, when your 20 year old comes home for Christmas, when your 19 year old comes home for Christmas, I want you to read the letter to her. And in that letter, I don't want you to spare anything. Talk about the time dad was drunk and he hit you too hard. Talk about the time mom didn't come home one night. Put all that in there and let that nine year old finally exhale and say, I'm driving now. I'm 45, I've got it.

• 52:49Dr. John Delony?

  And then tell your daughter, I miss you more than life itself.

• 52:55Dr. John Delony?

  And I can't wait for us to finally be able to be friends in a couple more years.

• 53:01Dr. John Delony?

  Cause we're gonna have an amazing next round of, of relationship together. And you're right, man. Me and my daughter got up the other night, she couldn't sleep, so we drove to the store at like eight or nine o'clock, got a coloring book. We came home and colored for a while. We couldn't find a coloring book, so we had to find, we went to like two stores and it was late dude. And we were dressed ridiculous. Those days for you are over, they are. And coloring with no talking, just playing some old country tunes at the table. That part's over, you're right.

• 53:35Dr. John Delony?

  But as a guy who's always thinking about what's coming next, which is what you had to do when you were nine to make sure you had food, I want you to think about what's next with a smile on your face. When that daughter brings some guy home and you get to hassle him, and you get to see in his eyes that he's gonna love her as much as you did. He thinks he is, but he won't. When you get to take her out somewhere to a concert, when you get to hop on a plane and go visit her at college, or drive to go see her and y'all go do something fun on a weekend, or whatever. Think about those with a smile on your face, not with regret. You've done an amazing job. And now it's time to let you finally rest too. We'll be right back. This time of year, we are giving our time. We're giving our money.

• 54:20Dr. John Delony?

  And sometimes, without meaning to, we're giving away our personal data all over, everywhere on the internets. And this is why I love and recommend and use DeleteMe. I like a good deal as much as the next guy, but I want you to remember that every email click or every newsletter sign up is you giving another piece of your personal information to somebody else. And that data doesn't just stay with them. Most of the time, they're selling it behind your back to shady data brokers who grab it, bundle it, and sell it to God knows who else. If you want to take back your privacy and your peace, get DeleteMe. DeleteMe is like a digital cleaning crew.

• 55:04Dr. John Delony?

  They find your information on all these secret data broker sites, and they get it removed and they keep it gone. Because peace doesn't just come from turning off notifications. It comes from knowing that your data is not for sale. Right now, you can get 20% off your annual plan when you go to joindelete.me/deloney. That's joindelete.me/deloney. Go protect your digital life.

• 55:33Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Kelly wants to read something that she found on the internet.

• 55:38Speaker 04

  Yes, so this was posted, I saw this on my Instagram and I just thought it was really great and it talks about some of the things that we talk about on this show. So the woman that posted this, her husband plays in a softball league and one of the men on the league is an 81-year-old.

• 55:52Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. I want to be that guy.

• 55:56Speaker 04

  Seriously. It looks like everyone else based on the picture is in their 30s and 40s.

• 56:00Dr. John Delony?

  That's so cool.

• 56:02Speaker 04

  He posted, he sent this to all the guys in the league one night, overnight, after a game. He says, "Well, guys, just up to do my middle of the night pee. I've been laying here in bed for the past hour, thinking about tonight's game and thinking about what a great bunch of guys I'm allowed to play with. I really appreciate the way you guys treat me as an equal and not just an old fart. It's you guys that keep me living. Except for you guys, I would not be playing ball. No daily walks, no light weights. There would be no reason to do those things. It's all of you who keep me going and give me the reason to get out of bed in the morning. All of you should take pride in knowing that there is some old fart that you keep going every day. I don't know if I will get another

• 56:45Speaker 04

  league or another year in this league or not. I don't even buy green bananas anymore. But I do know that this will be the year of ball play that I will always remember. I will do my best to contribute to the team. Some days are better than others. Now, now that I get this off my chest, off to La La Land I go again." That just warmed my heart.

• 57:04Dr. John Delony?

  That's the greatest thing I've heard. I wish there was a mandatory softball league service that every United States citizen had to go through. I think there's something transcendent about playing softball leagues. Young people, old people, that guy, that guy's amazing. A, for telling his buddies that, because that was not an easy text to write. And B, for those youngsters, for letting the old man play. Dude, that's awesome. Awesome, I love it. Golly, dude. All right, that cheered me up. This was a heavy show and that was good, Kelly. Well done. Well done. So maybe today only, there were some redeeming qualities on the internet. I'll take it. Go join a softball league and let the old men and women

• 57:49Dr. John Delony?

  play. Love you guys. Bye.