178: Do You Need To Be Fully Healed To Date Again?

Do you need to be fully healed before you can have a healthy relationship? In episode 3 of 4 in the Clarity Series, Sabrina dismantles one of the biggest myths in dating and personal growth: that you must be perfect, secure, or “done healing” before you’re worthy of love. Drawing from attachment theory, nervous system regulation, and real-life dating dynamics, she explains why so many people feel fine when they’re single but get triggered the moment they start dating and why that doesn’t mean you’ve failed your healing journey . This episode explores the difference between awareness and real change, healing alone versus healing in relationships, and how avoidance can masquerade as self-work. You’ll learn what “being ready to date” actually looks like, how to stop hiding behind healing, and how to build self-trust by responding differently when you’re triggered. If you struggle with anxious attachment, dating anxiety, relationship patterns, or feeling stuck despite therapy and self-work, this conversation will reframe how you approach dating, growth, and emotional safety moving forward. If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! ============================= Chapters 00:00 Do You Need to Be Fully Healed to Be in a Relationship? 01:45 Why Healing Feels Like It Disappears When You Start Dating 04:10 The Myth of Being “Healed Enough” 07:00 Healing Alone vs Healing in Relationships 10:10 Why Feeling Fine When Single Doesn’t Mean You’re Ready 13:15 Awareness vs Real Change in Dating Patterns 16:05 When “Working on Yourself” Is Actually Avoidance 19:05 What Being Ready to Date Really Means 22:10 Why Triggers Are Information, Not Failure 25:00 How Secure Relationships Are Actually Built 28:00 How to Build Self-Trust While Dating 31:10 Final Takeaway: You’re Not Broken, You’re Human Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk-takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 0:31Speaker 01

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• 1:00Sabrina Zohar?

  The million-dollar question: Do you need to be fully healed in order to be in a relationship? You can do all the healing in the world. You can journal, you can go to therapy, you can read every fucking attachment book, you can become the most self-aware person in your friend group and on the planet, and then you'll get into a relationship, and you are going to be triggered in ways you never imagined possible. Because there is only so much healing we can do when we're single versus when we're in relationships, when we have other people that are triggering those different parts of us. That is when we have to say, "What work have I done? And how do I want to show up?" And that, my friends, is what we're going to be talking about today. Because this isn't about, "Do you need to be perfect and fully healed?" And all of that shit. No. Because when you get triggered, it suddenly feels like all the work has gone out the window, but it doesn't mean nothing.

• 1:44Sabrina Zohar?

  It means that you have the awareness now to catch yourself, and that's the difference. It's not about being perfectly healed. It's about how you handle your shit when it fucking comes up, because it will, because you're a human. Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of The Sabrina's Oh, Our Show. Episode three of four of the clarity series on dating with intention. My babes, I'm so excited. Don't forget to comment, rate and review, share it with a friend, whatever you guys need. And you know what? Let's get right the fuck on into it. But before we do, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being here. I want to thank you for believing in me because that is the only reason I'm here. Every single week I show up because of you guys. And the only reason I'm here is because of this community that we've built. And I couldn't be more grateful. And what we're going to do is we're going to add a tool of the week at the end of every

• 2:27Sabrina Zohar?

  episode now, so that you can start implementing immediately around something that you need that will stick. All right, babies, we're going to talk about something important because I genuinely believed if I was fucked up or there was something wrong with me, and if I was just super secure, that then I'd have the relationship. And the reality is I'm still healing and I'm still going through it. So now let's get on into it. Friends, I'm super stucked. We're getting right on into it, my babies. I'm trying, trying different things. And hopefully by the time this is up, we're on Spotify video. And I honestly just wanted to like literally take a second to just be here with you guys. We're almost at the end of the year, wherever the fuck you listen to this. And we're at a place, and I'm going to be honest with you guys. I am making a commitment to you and to myself. I'm shedding the bullshit.

• 3:10Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm tired of waking up every morning being sad. I'm tired of being scared that I'm going to lose everything. I'm tired of feeling so disconnected. And I took a couple of weeks off and baby, I'm back. I'm fucking here and I am jazzed and ready. I couldn't wait to get in today. I was live earlier on TikTok, just talking about how excited I was because this means the world to me. And I am ready to kick my bullshit and I'm ready to show up differently for you guys and do what we fucking come here to do, which is heal together. So let's talk about it. Last week, we talked about why you're waiting for them to come back, how that waiting really is avoiding the grief. The week before that, we talked about, are you ruminating? Are you processing what's going on? And I said it at the end, maybe you think you're okay. Fine, I'll stop waiting for them, but should I just focus on myself, right?

• 3:54Sabrina Zohar?

  Should I take 2026 off from dating entirely until I'm healed? And that's what we're going to get into because I think that question, am I healed enough to date is truly honestly what's keeping us stuck. And the internet gives you two options, right? You don't really have a lot. It's either you need to be fully healed, completely whole. You need to be totally secure before you even look at another person. You can't eat, drink or sleep until you do it. Or you got like the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Both are wrong. Well, both are kind of right, but it really kind of depends on who we're looking at. But I know that that was my Achilles' heel. I genuinely used to believe if I wasn't fully healed, I didn't deserve love. I believed that there was something fundamentally wrong with me because on the outside, everybody seemed to have all their shit together, but I was the fuck up. And really, all I was doing was projecting my insecurities onto other people.

• 4:38Sabrina Zohar?

  There is no such thing as being fully healed. There is no such thing as getting rid of your attachment style or your anxiety. You learn to live with it. You take the black, the white, and you create shades of gray because what you're doing, you're expanding your window of tolerance and you're letting your nervous system know in the past, you're right, I couldn't handle that, but now I know better, so I will fucking do better. That is why we do this work. And that is why we show up every fucking day. Because at the end of the day, it's not just time and it's not just being alone, it's what you're doing with it. How are you utilizing that time? I know a lot of people, I mean, I was fucking single for three days before I met Tech Guy because in that three days, I was literally sitting there being like, no, girl, we are not going to create this fantasy about this guy. We are not going to project onto him all the shit he wasn't.

• 5:23Sabrina Zohar?

  We're gonna be honest, we're gonna be truthful, we're gonna be transparent, and I'm going to allow myself to say, that didn't work for me, that's not what I want. Because you have every fucking right to hold that space. You have every right to say, I don't like this, that doesn't work for me, that's healing. That is how we start to change the way we date. Because I thought that. I genuinely used to believe if I wasn't perfect and if I wasn't healed, that no one was ever going to like me. And all I was doing was avoiding the deeper work that was necessary. Because you can do all the healing alone, the minute you meet someone else, you're gonna be triggered. That doesn't mean all the work that you did goes to not. What that means is you're a fucking human and now you get to make choices. How do I want to show up? Do I want to react? Or do I finally want to take a pause and respond?

• 6:07Sabrina Zohar?

  That way, I can see my life change. That's the difference. You do hold power. And today, we're gonna fucking get into it. So. What does it mean to be fully healed? Like, what does that even mean? Where's the finish line? Who decides you're done? Is there a certificate? Right? Like, do you get, all of a sudden, you just like pass go and collect $200? And that's also why I kind of hate that thought process and way of thinking, is it puts it as if there's this end game of like, "When I get to the end of this, that's it. I'm holier than thou." And honestly, I feel icky when I make videos of like, "How I healed through my anxious attachment." And I'm like, "Bitch, you didn't. You healed through the trauma that created the anxious attachment." But that doesn't mean it went away. That doesn't mean it's just, "That's it. Poof, I'm, I'm perfect and I'm holier than thou and I never get anxious and I..." No, I'm a human.

• 6:52Sabrina Zohar?

  I have moments where I'm crying on the couch. I have moments where I genuinely think that this is the end. I have moments where I'm scared because I don't know what's next. But that doesn't mean that I'm any worth, any less deserving of love because I am a human and I go through human experiences. But oftentimes, when we look at this like, "You have to be perfectly healed." Those are really sneaky forms of avoidance that look like healing, right? I'm working on myself. Oftentimes, it's to hide from vulnerability or waiting for a version of yourself who won't feel scared anymore. That person doesn't exist. And I'll never forget, after my big breakup, I told myself, like, "You're gonna take a year off. You're not gonna do da, da, da, da, da." I lasted like two months of not dating. And then I met somebody and I was like, "Nope." See, I'll never forget. I told him, I said, "Yeah, I'm over my ex and da, da, da."

• 7:36Sabrina Zohar?

  And then I remember like, by the end of the date, he said, "Are you sure you're over your ex?" I said, "Why?" And he said, "You talked about him about over 30 times." And I didn't even notice. I had no idea. Now that, you're right. I probably was not in a position to be dating. I wasn't in a mental state. I really hadn't processed and moved on from it. I genuinely believed like, if I give myself this time... And some of that was good, right? Some of it was genuinely me saying, "I need to be okay with being alone. I need to be okay with being with my own thoughts. I need to learn how to communicate. I need to learn what boundaries are. I need to learn to say no, right?" Like, yeah, no. There was a lot that like, was actually very beneficial of me being alone. So please, no, this isn't like an all or nothing. This isn't a, "Never be alone and never try to be single or you always have to be in a relationship." It's like, no, no, no.

• 8:21Sabrina Zohar?

  Can we find a balance? Can we start to look and get curious within ourselves and say, "What do I need right now?" Right, maybe if we are super codependent with somebody and we couldn't even get through an afternoon without having to text them and talk to them, then maybe what we need to learn right now is how do I self-soothe? How do I learn to take a pause and to give myself a beat? Because you could do all of the healing work and then you get triggered and then all of a sudden you're like, "Well, fuck." When I hear this, you know, "I'm on my healing journey." Like, somebody had commented today saying, "The girl says that she loves me with her head and her mind, but her body and her heart haven't caught up." And I was like, "I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, and I don't want to fucking hear the excuses anymore." Then you're not ready to date to the person, to the girl. Then you're not ready to date if that's your thought process. And that's okay. Own it. Say, "Hey, I'm not in a position, I actually am not in a place, I don't want to let someone

• 9:06Sabrina Zohar?

  in, I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to have anybody to commit to, I want to be selfish." That's okay. But I'm so tired of like, "My head wants you, but my heart hasn't caught up." It's like, "Oh, spare me." All right? And I say that with love. I just, I don't, to me, that's a non-negotiable. Two non-negotiables I had when I were dating that changed my fucking life. One of them, you need to be done with your ex. I'm not your fucking therapist, I'm not here to hold space for helping you to move on, I'm not your rebound, I'm not your person that's going to fucking challenge your thoughts. You need to come to me, ready to open up to somebody else. And the second thing, you gotta be growth-minded. If you are all or nothing, super rigid, I will never have the patience for that because I want somebody that wants to grow, that wants to evolve, that wants to become the best version of themselves. This isn't about being perfect.

• 9:51Sabrina Zohar?

  This is about knowing that I gotta do the work for myself and with my partner in order to have the relationship I fucking deserve. Relationships aren't just given to you, they're worked on, they are crafted, and a relationship, especially a healthy and secure one, is earned by both of you showing up and doing the fucking work.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk-takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 10:37Sabrina Zohar?

  So there was a study, Brumbow and Fraley from 2015. It looked at people who started new relationships quickly after breakups versus people who waited. People who dated sooner reported more confidence, more resolution about their ex, and better psychological health. And so everyone cites this as proof that rebounding is fine, but here is the catch, and you know there's always a fucking catch. The study can't tell the difference between somebody who genuinely processed versus someone who can't just be alone. So both might report that they feel better, but one is actually growing. And sometimes you can't even tell which one that you are on. And that's the reality is like, there is no magic timeline. Waiting six months doesn't automatically heal you. Time isn't irrelevant, right? But three weeks and you can't be alone without panic? That's data. A year and you're still crying at their name? That's also data.

• 11:21Sabrina Zohar?

  There's this common fallacy that time heals all wounds. It's not time that heals the wounds, it's what you do with the fucking time. If you're sitting there crying and spiraling and saying, "Oh my God, woe is me and I'm never gonna meet somebody, da-da." You could do that for 10 years and spiral. Or in a month, you can focus on, "What is this teaching me about myself and how do I actually move on?" The difference isn't the time, it's what you fucking do with that time. And guys, this is exactly why I created the Healthy Dating Foundation course. Because I was so tired of doing all the work on myself and then feeling like I'm starting from zero the second I fucking liked somebody or dated somebody. The course is designed to help you build the actual skills, not just the awareness, but the tools to handle your patterns when they show up in real time. It's the bridge between knowing your stuff and actually doing something different. The link is in the show notes or at sabrina zohar.com and enrollment is open now and baby,

• 12:06Sabrina Zohar?

  I'd love to see you inside. All right, let's talk healing single versus healing in a relationship. And I get it, right? I think that we need to be able to hold two conflicting truths. I think that we need to be able to hold space that you're going to have to do some healing on your own, right? You're going to need that time alone, especially depending on the issues. And then there's the other side of the coin that there are going to be moments where you're going to need someone else in your life to trigger you. Somebody that's romantic, somebody that makes you feel like a kid again, so that you can go, oh, okay, so this is where I'm still coming from. Here's what no one tells you about healing. Some healing can only happen in a relationship. You can understand your anxious attachment intellectually and you can still spiral when they don't fucking text you back. You don't actually know if you've changed until you're in it. Because again, when you're single and you're alone, you're not being triggered, you don't

• 12:51Sabrina Zohar?

  have anybody that's pissing you off, you don't have somebody that's testing your goddamn patience, and then when you start dating, all of a sudden, you might feel like a kid again. It's not about shaming and blaming yourself when you go back to those moments. It's about stopping and saying, what are my tools and what is the growth that I've done? Because I'm gonna make me, a year ago, fucking proud, because I'm not gonna handle the same shit anymore. I'm not gonna do the same stuff I used to do. I'm gonna do better because I know better. So there was a study done by Kansky and Allen in 2018. And they followed people ages 20 to 25. So, this is what they found. People who could clearly identify why their past relationship ended had better future relationships. They had less conflict and more satisfaction, and friends rated them as more competent in relationships. Now here's the catch. Knowing your patterns and interrupting your patterns are two separate skills.

• 13:36Sabrina Zohar?

  Awareness is necessary, but not sufficient. It's not the end all be all. I've been studying this for fucking years, I still catch myself doing the things I tell other people not to. I still can fucking spiral and go into, there's something wrong with me and people don't like me. But the difference is, I stop and go, okay, what am I gonna do about it? What are the tools? How am I going to implement it? And how am I gonna stop this? Because it's about pattern interruption. If you genuinely want to change your life, you gotta start to look and say, what am I doing with my life? How am I showing up? Am I waiting for other people to tell me it's gonna be okay? Or am I taking control of my life? Ain't nobody gonna show up for you like you will, baby. Your trigger are your teachers. To me, I love triggers. Not, actually, I don't love going through them, but I love stopping and saying, what am I learning about myself? Because relationships will reveal what's unhealed.

• 14:20Sabrina Zohar?

  They don't create the wound necessarily. They might, but they might show you where it's already is. And that's not a reason to avoid. It's a reason to approach with awareness. That's why I fucking hate stay single. It's easier. No, staying single allows you to avoid doing the deeper work. Stay single if you're choosing that because you're saying, I have work to do on myself. I'm not ready to be a partner. Fuck, yeah, you're making a choice. But stay single because it's easier. You're just avoiding shit because staying single allows you to not be triggered. Then when you're not triggered, you don't actually grow as a person in other ways. I'm not saying that you have to be in a relationship to grow, but to a certain extent you do. So if you're using the fucking excuse, stay single. It's easier, easier than what? Easier than avoiding the work you need to do? I'd challenge that, baby, because I don't actually know if that's easier. The goal isn't to never get triggered.

• 15:04Sabrina Zohar?

  It's shorter recovery time. It's catching yourself faster. It's choosing differently in the moment. Uh, baby, I thought when I met Ryan, I'll never forget. I genuinely believed like, no, I've done all of this work and I am so healed and I'm so evolved and he's gonna need me and I'm gonna help him go through the... And I'll never forget, then we started dating and all of a sudden my ass got triggered. When like, I think it was because he didn't fucking call me or he didn't text me or something. And I stopped and I was like, oh, really, girl? Oh, really? And that's the difference. Me and Ryan aren't together now because I'm some holier-than-thou creature and I just... No, we're together because I made different choices. I made different choices when we were dating. When I get triggered, instead of popping off on him and screaming at him and yelling at him and going into the space that I used to protest behavior, I had to stop and go, whoa, bitch.

• 15:49Sabrina Zohar?

  Regulate your nervous system and come back to the present moment. What's happening? Is this really about Ryan?

• 15:54Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts, the thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 16:24Sabrina Zohar?

  This episode is sponsored by Baked by Melissa. I know that finding the perfect gift can feel impossible. You want something thoughtful, fun, guaranteed to make people smile. Baby, that's why whether it's for me or somebody else I'm buying for, Baked by Melissa is my go-to. There are these bite-sized cupcakes are always a crowd pleaser. I am not kidding. I used to go every single week when I worked in Soho. They had it right on Broom Street and I would go up to the window and I felt just so seen that I could get all my little flavors and I'm just so obsessed. And the best part is Baked by Melissa ships fast and arrives in one to two days nationwide. And you can choose the arrival date, so it's guaranteed your treats arrive perfectly fresh and on time. Plus, right now they have three unique holiday gift boxes.

• 17:08Sabrina Zohar?

  They're perfect for your holiday gifting, like hostess gifts, sending to loved ones across the country, or treating you or your team and clients. Guys, I'm obsessed. We got the holiday kit. Oh, they're gone. We ate them in the first day. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not even gonna try to pretend because I'm obsessed with Baked by Melissa. Also, they offer gluten-free, vegan, and no-nut options, so they make it easy to treat everyone you love. Right now, Baked by Melissa is offering our listeners 20% off your order at bakedbymelissa.com/sabrina. That's bakedbymelissa.com/sabrina for 20% off your order. Again, bakedbymelissa.com/sabrina. If some of you guys know, you know, I'll reshare the story. When we first started dating and I asked him to do something and he said no.

• 17:53Sabrina Zohar?

  He's allowed to say no. I got triggered and I had to stop and I went, whoa, whoa, whoa. That was a disproportionate reaction. Like, you got really upset with him. And then when I stopped and I said, what does this remind you of? And it instantly was like, this reminds me of my dad. My dad could literally look at you and go, And that's it? End of conversation? That's it? KO, you're done. And it was very triggering to that. And I stopped and I regulated and I looked at him. I said, hey babe, can I share something with you? He was like, yeah, what's up? Remember, ask for consent. And I said, you know, when you said that to me just a moment ago, it really triggered me. It reminded me of my dad. He was incredibly dismissive and it made me feel like you didn't really care. And Ryan stopped and he's like, thank you so much for telling me. I had no idea. He's like, I could see that though. He's like, I've heard your dad do that. He's like, you know what? You're right. And moving forward, I'm going to give you more of a reason. I'm going to talk to you more about things. That is why we do this work.

• 18:37Sabrina Zohar?

  We don't do this work so that you just never get triggered and then you just never have any issues. If you see anybody on the internet or in life that tells you that they have the perfect relationship, that they never fight, they're fucking lying to you and that's total bullshit. What they're saying is, I don't speak up. I don't want to ruffle feathers. I don't have it. Everyone has issues. Every healthy and secure couple has issues. You want to know why? What makes them healthy and secure is that they go through the rupture, they have the regulation and then they repair together. They don't just pretend and dust things under the rug. And anybody that tells you that they never fight and they're just perfect, they're fucking not only lying to you, but to themselves. All right. What does ready actually look like? Right? Ready isn't a feeling, it's a set of capacities. And that's something that we're really going to need to sit on. I want you to ask yourself, can I be alone without feeling like I'm dying?

• 19:21Sabrina Zohar?

  Do I know the difference between loneliness and genuine desire for connection? Can I hold two conflicting thoughts at once? I like them and I'm scared. I miss them and I know they're not right for me. I can feel really strong about this person and I know I don't know them well enough. Can I sit with discomfort without trying to fix, flee or fawn? Can I take responsibility for my part, not just what they did wrong? These are all really important questions to ask yourself because this is how we're going to get down to the nitty gritty of, am I actually ready? Right? Am I ready to let somebody in? Am I ready to hold space? Am I ready to be emotionally available? You're also allowed to say no. And I think a lot of people, they like the idea of a relationship. They like what a relationship will make them mean about them. They like the relationship that they see on Instagram and TikTok. But most people are not ready for a relationship.

• 20:04Sabrina Zohar?

  The reason most people aren't actually ready for a real relationship is because a lot of people think that it's just doing things together. We just hang out. We go to the movies. We talk. Why don't they text me? Why they? Da, da, da, da, da. Being in a relationship is holding capacity. It's having bandwidth. It's holding space for your partner. It's taking accountability. It's taking ownership. It's knowing that somebody else is in this with you. It's holding that space for them. Being in a relationship isn't just about your needs being met. It's about both of your needs being met. And I think that's the disconnect is a lot of us are going from me, me, me, and not understanding that me gets thrown out the window and it's a we. I have to take care of myself. You have to take care of yourself and we have to cultivate this relationship together. And I think that's a really big missing part because we think we're ready. And then we get triggered or we have somebody healthy and go, I don't want that.

• 20:47Sabrina Zohar?

  That's boring because we're not actually ready for a healthy and secure relationship. We just want to be activated and we want to go back into repetition, compulsion. If I can get the person that reminds me of my dad to like me and to love me, then that'll make all that shit go away from childhood. See, look, I figured it out. Baby, that's just going to get you more therapy. That's all it's going to get you. So there was a study done by Owens and Fowers. So they studied perceived versus actual post breakup growth. So people significantly overestimate how much they've changed. Perceived growth and actual growth often don't match. So your I'm so different now narrative might be the story that you're telling yourself more than the reality. And I'm not saying this to discourage you, but to test it. You find out if you've changed by doing, not by waiting and assuming. You're not ready when you feel ready.

• 21:30Sabrina Zohar?

  You're ready when you're willing to catch yourself mid pattern and choose differently. That's why I consistently say, guys, this isn't about making it all go away. This is about saying, what do I do in those moments? Cause I can sit at home and be unbothered and unfazed and be like, oh, right? Cold brain, hot brain. We've talked about that on past episodes. And if you're new, I'll share it. When you're in cold brain right now, like you're single and there's no one bothering you. And there's you might say, no, I'm fine. And if anything happens, I'll be able to handle it. And then you get into hot brain, you go out and you get triggered. That person doesn't call you and all of a sudden it's all in a hand basket. The difference here isn't about making all of that go away. It's about stopping and going, whoa, wait, what are my choices? Like I said earlier, make future you proud. I'm going to make different choices. That's the only thing that differentiates any of us is the choices that we make.

• 22:13Sabrina Zohar?

  You can sit there and baby, you, you could choose all day that you want to be beholden to somebody else and you want to let them validate you and you want to put your into the external or. You can make a choice. And here's the choice that you can make today. You can sit here and say, woe is me, I'm never gonna meet anybody. And you can continue that. Or you can decide, I fucking deserve better. I deserve someone that's gonna show up for me. I deserve someone that's gonna love me authentically. I deserve somebody that's going to choose me in the ways that I choose them. And I deserve somebody that is growth minded and ready to do the fucking work with me. And I'm not going to settle for anything less. That is a choice you get to make for yourself. Or you can go continue situationships. You can go continue self abandoning. And then you can cry at the fucking end of the night. Because baby, right now, that's the choice you get to make. You'll cry now, or you'll cry later. What's the choice you're gonna make?

• 22:58Sabrina Zohar?

  It's a fucking choice, whether you like that or not. And I know, it can sometimes be really shit. But this is the stuff we go deep on in the Healthy Dating Foundation course, by the way. The actual practice of catching yourself. What to do when you're triggered. How to stay grounded when your nervous system is fucking screaming at you to self abandon. If this is resonating, baby, check it out. Link in bio or sabrina zohar.com. I've got the resources for you. You could work one on one, you can ask a question, you can join the courses. Or you could just be here. Please know that all of these resources are available. But I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't fucking tell you that those are all available. This episode is sponsored by Fabletics. If you guys are like me, you wear activewear more than anything else. So you understand the struggle. Oh, the good stuff costs way too much. But that's why I'm obsessed with Fabletics. Their quality is unparalleled.

• 23:40Sabrina Zohar?

  Like Ryan and I ordered stuff, I think he got 25 items and I got like 15. I got my mom a sweater. We even got Ryan a suit. Like when I say Fabletics has everything, they have everything you could possibly imagine at a price that you cannot beat. Because when I signed up as a new VIP, I got 80% off everything. Which is why I also got my family gifts for the holidays. Because who doesn't want a cozy sweater or a great pair of leggings? I love it. The fit is just incredible. There's no roll waistbands. The fabric, the quality, the styles, they got something for everyone, baby. So this is the best part. Fabletics already has amazing deals. But right now, they're running their biggest sale of the year on top of that. And I have got an exclusive offer just for you.

• 24:23Sabrina Zohar?

  80% off everything when you sign up as a VIP. Head to fabletics.com/sabrina and sign up as a VIP to get 80% off everything. This is only available through my link. So go to fabletics.com/sabrina to sign up as a VIP and get 80% off. That's fabletics.com/sabrina. So let's talk about trusting yourself. So at some point, you do have to stop repairing and start trusting. Right? You've done the work. You understand your wounds. Now what? Now what? Like, I hear this myth all the time of like, "I'll date when I trust myself." But you build self-trust by dating and keeping promises to yourself, not by waiting until you magically feel confident. That was the common misconception I really had. I thought, "No, no, no, I need to be confident in order to do this."

• 25:08Sabrina Zohar?

  Even this, "You guys think that I picked up a mic one day and all of a sudden it just organically happened?" No, I was scared shitless. I was fucking terrified, but I knew I have to try. I have to put myself out there, otherwise nothing's gonna change. And then, "Oh, wow, people like it." That built my confidence. And then people didn't. You know what that also did? That built my confidence, because then I was able to show up for myself. And I was able to say, "Okay, that really hurts." And you're allowed to, you're allowed to have a comment hurt you. You're allowed to have someone hurt you. You're allowed. You're a fucking human. I give you permission. But that doesn't mean our feelings are facts. That just means that we're able to now process through in a different way. I know that we've made some promises. Now, what promises are those? If I'll leave if I see a red flag, and you actually do it. I'll speak up when something bothers me, and you fucking hold the space. And you know why? Because you learned to...

• 25:54Speaker 03

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• 26:23Sabrina Zohar?

  Allow them to be pissed off because you can't change other people. You can't change how somebody else shows up. You can only control yourself. Another promise: I want to abandon myself to keep them. I'll check in with myself, not just obsess over them. That's the important part. What are the promises that you're keeping to yourself? And then it's okay if you break them. How are you treating yourself? Are you attacking yourself, meaning like, "I'm so fucking stupid, of course I did that"? Well, then, you're just talking to yourself how other people did. And we have to start to build evidence. Every time you keep a promise, you build evidence that you can handle it. That's the evidence to your nervous system. That's how we expand the window of tolerance. And that evidence creates self-trust, because you can't create it by avoiding situations that test you. And that's the reality.

• 27:03Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 27:33Sabrina Zohar?

  Is of the trigger. You're not broken, you're human. And humans heal in connection, not in isolation. Find me a time where they did and let's fucking look at that. Let's be realistic, babes. And the reason I bring up all of this stuff isn't to make anybody feel any less than or more of. It's about saying, you know what? Maybe I'll start dating, not when I don't, not maybe when I feel ready necessarily. But like, that's the thing. People ask me all the time, like, how do I know when I'm ready to date? How do I know if it's time? Maybe you won't know, but maybe you'll do. And then you'll go out there and go, oh, wow, I handled that a lot better. Holy shit. Or wow, I didn't handle that well. You know what? That's when I need to talk to my therapist or my coach about because I'm realizing now that's the pattern. Is that I thought I had done all this work or I intellectualized it. And then the minute it happened, I didn't know what to do. And maybe that just means I need different tools. I need different regulation techniques. I need to stop and pause.

• 28:18Sabrina Zohar?

  I need to get curious, need to go for a walk, whatever it is. There's no shame or blame, but that's why we create the toolkit. The toolkit isn't there because the toolkit is what makes it all go away. That gives you the opportunity to come back into the present moment and not burn the fucking house down just because you got triggered. That's what makes the difference between people who have earned their secure and people that are insecure. Is that a lot of people think it's catastrophized the end of the world. Whereas when you've done the work and you come out of it, you're like, hey, I know that for now I might feel this. And that's why my mama has always said, for now. For now, it's going well. For now, it's not. For now, I'm really feeling sad. For now, everything is for now because that's all we have. I don't know what the future is going to bring. And that's why I don't want you to focus so heavily on what's going to happen and where are we going and are they? We don't know that. But what I do know is that no matter what, you'll be okay. Why? Because you have you. And that's okay right now if you don't trust that.

• 29:03Sabrina Zohar?

  That's what we want to focus on is how can we cultivate that trust? For me, it was facing the shit I didn't want to face. It was being honest. You know what the hardest thing was for me when I was dating? Being able to say, I don't like that person and that's okay. I'm allowed to take up that space. Because then I would go, oh, my God, but you, but what if you never meet anybody else? And what if you don't have somebody else? And this was the only version. And then I started to gaslight myself into thinking that this person had to be the one. Because I was more scared of being alone than I was actually acknowledging that they weren't right for me. Because if I acknowledge they're not right for me, I have to do something about it. Then I have to access my place of choice. And that was fucking terrifying for me. And so I want to remind you, there's no such thing as being fully healed. There's aware and willing to do differently. And so the question isn't, am I ready? It's, am I willing to catch myself and choose differently? Am I willing to be in the discomfort?

• 29:47Sabrina Zohar?

  Am I willing to challenge myself in different ways? That's the question. And if your answer is no, that's okay. Take up the space. You're allowed. And like, I gotta be honest here, y'all. If you start to date somebody and they tell you they're not ready, I need you to believe them. People are not going to fuck up opportunities that early in dating by lying to you and saying that, you know, I'm not ready and hoping that you still stick around. I want you to look back at the people that you've dated and I want you to ask this one question. Am I embarrassed by any of them? Because if you're dating somebody now and you're saying, I'm embarrassed or they're a liability, or I'd be ashamed of what people would think about me because I'm with them, then that right there tells me everything that we need to know. Choose people like you choose yourself. People that you want to be around. People that you're proud of being around. And people that are great and amazing to you. Like Grandma Lucy always said, show me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are.

• 30:32Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's the same shit in dating. Who you're choosing is a reflection of how much you love yourself. So that bears the question. How much do you love yourself? So guys, remember, we had episode one, ruminating versus processing. We had episode two, why you're really waiting for them and do they always come back? And then we had three, the myth of being healed enough. And the reason I did that is because we're stopping the mental loop. We're stopping the waiting. We're stop hiding behind healing. We're starting to trust yourself enough to try. So let's go into the two of the week because next week, we're ending the year together, which is insane to say, I can't believe we're already at the end of the year. Or whenever you listen to this, welcome. But we're going to go into next week. Which is, I can do this. Going with the flow in situationships. And about choosing better. And then we're gonna start the year by starting it on,

• 31:15Sabrina Zohar?

  okay, let's start doing the work together in a different way. So, tool of the week. This is the pattern check-in. Before your next date, or hard conversation, or anything, I want you to write down your top three patterns. So, maybe an example is like, I over-explain when I'm anxious. I people-please when I get rejected. I go silent when I get hurt. After the interaction, I want you to check in, which showed up. Start to cultivate that awareness. Holy shit, I went into people-pleasing. Fuck, I went right into my old patterns. What did I do? I had that with a friend. I had to look and I was like, I went into over-performing. How? Anything she asked, I did. I was giving her the phone. I was doing this, I was doing this, I was doing this. I was over-functioning. What could I do differently? I could sit back and be uncomfortable. I can say, that doesn't work for me. I can wait to see how she shows up. And you know what? She didn't. And you know why? That hurt.

• 31:59Sabrina Zohar?

  But what that did is it built the muscle of catching myself in real time. Not me thinking about it, by me tracking it, and by having something. Because then when I wrote it down, I was like, you dumb bitch, I can't believe... I didn't say that to myself, but I say that to myself now. Holy shit, I can't believe that. It allowed me to cultivate that self-awareness of, baby, that's what you're doing. Look how you showed up. Look how you fond with that person. You did what you did when dad shows up, because you're scared of losing them. And now, I'm more scared of losing myself. And that's a very harsh reality. You wanna know if you're ready to date or not? You're more scared of losing yourself than you're fucking scared of losing any of these people. Because none of them matter. Your little, and your inner child doesn't give a fuck about who any of these people are. They care about if you're gonna leave them. Are you gonna abandon them? And are you gonna choose other people over yourself? How much do you fucking love yourself? Start to show up like that when you're dating,

• 32:44Sabrina Zohar?

  because then you'll stop saying, are you choosing me? And you'll start saying, am I fucking choosing you? Because I've chosen myself. I'm not waiting for anybody else to. And guys, baby, don't forget. If you wanna go deeper on this, the Healthy Dating Foundation course is open. It's the work behind the work. And the link is in show notes! Or sabrina zohar.com. And guys, next week is our final episode of the Clarity Series! Oh my god. Go with the flow is not a dating strategy, baby. And we're talking about the intention, what you're leaving behind, and how we're going to show up in 2026. And I'm so fucking excited. I can't wait to see you then. Don't forget, babes, rate and review the show. Follow along, even if you don't listen to an episode. Mark it as finished that way. Your girl gets the play. And tell your friends about it. That's all I ask. If you want more, the resources are there. And if not, that's okay, too. Thank you for sitting with me. Thank you for being here.

• 33:28Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm open if you guys have suggestions for series next year, things that you want. Let me know and I'll see if I can do that. And if not, I'm just grateful to be here with you guys and have my besties along the ride. All right, babies, until next week.

• 33:47Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 34:18Speaker 01

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces. So I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece, and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.