My Girlfriend Is Asking Me for Something I Can’t Give

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man wondering if he should break up with his girlfriend A mom struggling after finding out she’s pregnant with baby #4 A woman wondering if she should tell her stepmother the truth Next Steps: 🔥 Reconnect every day. Download the Together app. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch ❤️ ⁠Getaway with your spouse today! Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I've been dating this lady for about six months and I got to know her a while was going through my divorce and I was always very upfront that I wasn't ready to commit some more things. Is it the right thing to break it up?

• 0:17Dr. John Delony?

  No pun intended, but you're divorcing yourself from the fact that this lady likes you. And I think the question you have to ask yourself is...

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls here in Nashville, Tennessee from people all over the planet. Real people going through real challenges in their life. Dealing with their mental and emotional health, their relationships, tragedies, tough stuff. Whatever you've got going on in your life, I'm committed to sitting with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to San Jose, California and talk to Phil. What's up, Phil?

• 0:57Speaker 00

  Hey Doc, can I just say that this is great? Thank you very much for having my call. I've been listening to your program for about a year. It's great.

• 1:04Dr. John Delony?

  Well dude, I'm grateful you've been listening and I'm extra grateful that you called in, brother. I appreciate it, man. What's up?

• 1:11Speaker 00

  Uh, so let's just get into it. So I've been dating this lady for about, exclusively for six months and I got to know her about 18 months ago, a while was going through the process of my divorce. And I've been divorced since, uh, August last year. And basically what's happening is, since we got exclusive, I thought that the right questions to make were, okay, so what do you expect out of this, right? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Then how that's going to go? And I was always very upfront and sincere that I wasn't ready to commit to more things. And now the questions keep

• 1:56Speaker 00

  on surfacing. We talked on a really, almost weekly basis about this. Of if, what she wants. If she wants to have kids, wants to get married, and she doesn't want to have it now, but she wants a commitment from me. Like, oh, am I going to be on the long road? And I don't think I'm ready for that. And is it the right thing to break it up? Since she wants more and I can't give her?

• 2:22Dr. John Delony?

  I'm smiling dude cuz she wants her some fool dude.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:30Dr. John Delony?

  You're like, oh yeah. Um, I, so are you asking me if, if because right now, a year of getting, after a year of getting to know somebody, six months in, she wants, a- almost you're like, like a, a letter of intent, right? Like, you're not gonna buy the house now, but I want you to go ahead and sign this paper that says, one day you're gonna buy this house, right? Um, should you go ahead and just call it off? Is that what you're asking?

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's basically it because, uh, but at this age, right, I'm 35, she's 34, and of course, uh, it's nothing catastrophic, but let's say if she really wants to have kids, it's a great time to prepare, right? Even if we're not gonna have kids right now, in the next year or two, but if I'm not certain about this and I already have a kid, right? My boy is great, 11 years old, we have a great relationship and all that, but I'm not ready, right? Even, so if she wants to see opportunities, see other people that are actually on board and would be ready to go, right? So to say, even if she takes a little bit more time.

• 3:38Dr. John Delony?

  You're, you're delineating this into a series of like,

• 3:42Dr. John Delony?

  you, no pun intended, but you're divorcing yourself from the fact that this lady likes you.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:49Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're, it, don't make it about this kid thing and this preparation thing. I mean, those are part of it, but I think she likes you.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, she does.

• 4:00Dr. John Delony?

  And she would commit, she would jump off the high dive with you and say, I'll spend the rest of my life with you. And so, yes, she could go check out other options, right? She could go window shopping, um, or swipe writing for other people who might fit like a commitment profile, but I don't wanna blow past the pack, the fact that she likes you.

• 4:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:25Dr. John Delony?

  And I think the question you have to ask yourself is, do you wanna break up with her? And I wouldn't, if you love hanging out with her, you've developed a great relationship with her. She's, you think she's great and wonderful. You're just not in a place where I, I can say, I, I got a kid already where if I want to get married again, if I wanted to have kids again, all that kind of stuff. That's okay, but that's going to be her relationship to terminate. If you are finding out, and tell me if I'm wrong here. If you're finding out that there's a core disagreement and her way of handling that disagreement is bringing it up in long, drawn out conversations every week.

• 5:07Dr. John Delony?

  And you're beginning to ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who this is how they handle disagreements? Then be honest about that. But if, if you're saying, I love hanging out with you, you're the best. I am not going to give you this commitment right now. It's not, that's not the stage of life I am in. Then she gets to decide whether she wants to be with you or not. But I, I don't want you to like, think I need to break up with her because I'm going to do her a favor, as long as you're being honest and, and keeping everything above board and on the table. You get what I'm saying?

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:42Dr. John Delony?

  But, but if you've met a wonderful person, she was great to talk with as you were going through like the, the business transaction part of a divorce, which is always awful.

• 5:53Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 5:53Dr. John Delony?

  And then now y'all have gotten romantically interested in each other and she's been a great person to hang out with for the last six months, but you're recognizing, I, I'm not going to marry this person. Like I, I, then have the courage to say, don't blame it on the value thing, or I can't make this commitment. Just say, man, we've had a great year together and I'm going to go ahead and call it. You get, you get, is that makes sense what I'm saying?

• 6:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, that makes sense. It's, uh, yeah, it just goes, all, all this process, right? I've been outsourcing my sanity to other people, right? Cause just divorce was all that weird stuff that goes through. And I've, I've talked to my sister, where she's on my same, the same age as me. And she said, you know, just don't, uh, waste her time, right? Because it's a precious time for her.

• 6:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but that's really dis-

• 6:41Speaker 00

  And that's been hammering my head.

• 6:42Dr. John Delony?

  That's disempowering her. You're wasting her time if you're lying to her.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  I see.

• 6:49Dr. John Delony?

  You're wasting her time if you're making promises that you know you're not going to keep.

• 6:54Dr. John Delony?

  You're not wasting her time if you're telling the truth.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  If I would say to her, right, oh, I really want to marry you and I want to have kids. So in two, three years, we'll figure this out. That would be a lie, right? And then that would be me wasting her time. Is that correct?

• 7:10Dr. John Delony?

  That's the way I see it and read it.

• 7:14Speaker 00

  I see.

• 7:15Dr. John Delony?

  She gets to be an adult and I think it's unfair or it's very disempowering for you to think, I am going to decide what's best for you.

• 7:29Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm going to go ahead and blow up both of our lives because I think I don't want you to, I'm going to take your grown up decisions away from you and I'm going to make them for you.

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Understood.

• 7:43Dr. John Delony?

  Right? She gets to be a grown up and decide, do I love Phil? And do I, am I willing to put the time in with Phil, knowing he's being very honest with me?

• 7:57Dr. John Delony?

  That he, there's a, there's a great chance he doesn't want to have any more kids.

• 8:02Dr. John Delony?

  There's a great chance he's not going to want to get married anytime soon.

• 8:07Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to ask yourself, is she pretty wonderful and amazing? And in two years, if she's moved on with her life and the smoke is cleared and I am ready to get, put both feet back in the boat with one person, am I going to kick myself for not having married her?

• 8:26Speaker 00

  I see.

• 8:27Dr. John Delony?

  And that's, that's the dance of meeting somebody new, right? That's why it's so like, ah, and chaotic and fun and scary and exciting. It's all those things all at once.

• 8:37Dr. John Delony?

  Can you look yourself in the mirror and say, I'm a hundred percent honest with her?

• 8:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. I've been overly honest. I took myself upon that I wouldn't let anything unsaid anymore because during my, my relationship, right? When I was married, I left a lot of things unsaid. I just, oh, things are going to get better eventually, right? Something like that. So a lot of things went unsaid. So I took upon me that going forward, uh, in this, especially in a relationship, in an intimate relationship, I won't let anything go by without saying all the, all the words, right?

• 9:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 9:15Speaker 00

  Like you explained, right? We, I have to draw it. So it's only the words, right? That we have the same image in head.

• 9:21Dr. John Delony?

  Same picture.

• 9:21Speaker 00

  On our, on our, on our mind.

• 9:23Dr. John Delony?

  I love it. Okay. Let, let me, um, let me go one step further. I, I'm, I'm, this is what's popping into my mind here, but it's that, that scene in Dumb and Dumber when he's like, "So do we have a chance together like one in a thousand?" And she's like, "More like one in a million." And he smiles and he's like, "So you're telling me there's a chance," right?

• 9:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:45Dr. John Delony?

  It may be, if you're being honest, like you're laying it all out on the table.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:51Dr. John Delony?

  And you're saying things like, "I don't know," or "Maybe in two years."

• 9:56Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:56Dr. John Delony?

  And you can see this person in front of you hearing that as, "So you're telling me there's a chance." The next level, and this is a, this is a personal conviction of mine, that when you are in a relationship with anybody, whether you're a boss, employee, um, friend to friend, or, and/or especially romantic relationships, it's my job to learn to speak in a language that you can hear.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:24Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you are getting that sense, you spent a year with this person, you, you've gotten connected to this person, if you can see she's not hearing the words that you're saying, my challenge to you would be, go one level deeper, which might look like, "Here's the deal. I cannot make promises or predictions for how I'm gonna feel in a year, a year from now. I'm gonna ask that we don't have the marriage or kid conversation for six months.

• 10:56Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:56Dr. John Delony?

  I don't wanna have that conversation again."

• 11:00Dr. John Delony?

  And that would be speaking in a language that says, oh, I'm not telling you there's a chance. And I'm, I'm telling you right now, I don't want to continue in this pattern because we're starting to get into this dance. Where you have a conversation, I try to be honest with you. I get overly honest with you and then I say, well, maybe, and now she's back to, so tell me there's a chance. And now we're just dancing, we're just in the same rhythm.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so somebody's got to break the dance.

• 11:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, because it's just, she, she went through also a traumatic divorce and all that. Let's not get into that, but she doesn't have a track record of taking the best decisions for herself. That's why it's always.

• 11:41Dr. John Delony?

  Not, not your job.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:45Dr. John Delony?

  Your job is to love well, to be completely honest and to speak in a language that she can hear. It's her job to go get therapy. It's her job to, it, it, you, your job to treat her with dignity and respect and honor all the time. It's her job to heal from her divorce. It's her job to, if she struggles with making good decisions and with romantic partners to go dig into why that's happening. But you can't help it if you are completely honest, you put everything on the table and she refuses to hear it. Because then you're gonna end up saying, I don't want to be with you in a romantic relationship, not because one day you want to have kids and I might not want to have kids. But because we're not compat, like, we're not able to speak to each other in a way that we can, we can both hear each other.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  I think that makes a lot of sense, Doc.

• 12:35Dr. John Delony?

  Are you in, are you gonna, are you out?

• 12:38Speaker 00

  That is the, that is the point, right?

• 12:41Dr. John Delony?

  Let me challenge you here, if you're gonna break up with her, have the courage to break up with her because you no longer want to be in a romantic relationship with her.

• 12:52Dr. John Delony?

  Not because you're trying to pseudo nobly protect her from herself.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  Understood.

• 13:00Dr. John Delony?

  Fair.

• 13:02Speaker 00

  That is fair. I think it's a, it's a clear path forward.

• 13:06Dr. John Delony?

  Cool.

• 13:06Speaker 00

  Uh, but yeah, yeah, it's a.

• 13:09Dr. John Delony?

  If I can say this dude, I, I, I'm, I'm honored to know a man who learned from his previous relationship and is committed to hanging in there and not hanging in there to making significant changes moving forward. Like I'm going to always tell the truth. I'm going to always put things on the table. I'm going to have hard conversations. That's awesome. That means you, you grew and you learned from your last one. And that's, that's amazing. And it's tough when we fall in love with somebody who

• 13:41Dr. John Delony?

  we like being with and they want more from us than we want to give, or that we are able to give at this time. And it looks like the only problem in front of us is a calendar issue. I promise you that's not the biggest challenge. The biggest challenge is how y'all are trying to process this thing. But good on you, man. The, the best you can do is treat her with honesty and dignity and respect and to let her be a grown up and make grown up decisions too. Thanks for the call, my brother. We come back, we talk to a woman who is coming to terms with being pregnant yet again.

• 14:17Dr. John Delony?

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• 14:58Dr. John Delony?

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• 15:38Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:21Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:54Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Kansas City, Missouri, and talk to Kay. What's up, Kay?

• 16:59Speaker 02

  Not much. Dr. John, how are you?

• 17:01Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing good. Um, okay, so I have on my call sheet here, the note says, um, talking to a woman who's coming to terms with being pregnant again. And we, we had an exchange earlier where we tried to start the call and stop the call, and there were kids in the background. So I imagine that's what this call's about, huh? You got a lot going on, huh?

• 17:23Speaker 02

  Always, always.

• 17:24Dr. John Delony?

  Always. Man, I'm so glad that you called, man. I'm so glad. All right, tell me about it.

• 17:29Speaker 02

  So, yes, so just a little, a little background. Um, my husband and I have three beautiful little boys. Um, and, uh, the beginning of September, I found out that we are expecting number four. Um, and I actually, when I had originally wrote in, I hadn't told my husband yet, but I just told my husband a couple of days ago.

• 17:48Dr. John Delony?

  How'd that go?

• 17:49Speaker 02

  Um, it went great. He loves babies and, you know, the more the merrier for him.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  So, um, my, my main question is how, how do I come to terms with having another baby, which of course is a blessing, but I did not feel ready. And I don't feel ready or confident right now. I just feel overwhelmed.

• 18:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Phew. I love it. I love it. I love it. Um, how old are your kids?

• 18:20Speaker 02

  So my oldest is seven, and then I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old.

• 18:27Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, boy.

• 18:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. And, um, my, my oldest is special needs.

• 18:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  And our, uh, second born is, um, I guess you could say medically complex.

• 18:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 18:40Speaker 02

  So.

• 18:41Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about the special needs.

• 18:43Speaker 02

  Um, so he is autistic. We are in the diagnostic process with that. Uh, we have been on the waitlist for two years and, um, by God's blessing, he actually has an evaluation, um, here in the next couple of weeks. So we're, we still feel great about that.

• 19:01Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool.

• 19:02Speaker 02

  But that, that comes with its own challenges.

• 19:04Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man. Okay, so I want to, I want to, I love that. That's one of my favorite noises in the world. Now that I have a 15 year old who just goes, "Uh, uh," I love hearing a baby say it.

• 19:20Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, so let me start here, okay?

• 19:25Dr. John Delony?

  There are no bad thoughts.

• 19:31Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 19:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 19:34Dr. John Delony?

  You don't have to preface everything with, "And I know it's a blessing, and I know yada, yada, and I know there's women who want to have kids who can't get pregnant." You don't have to preface any of it with that.

• 19:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 19:48Dr. John Delony?

  You're allowed to say, "Wait, what?"

• 19:54Dr. John Delony?

  You're allowed to say the words, "I didn't want a fourth kid right now."

• 20:01Dr. John Delony?

  You're not a bad mother for thinking that.

• 20:05Dr. John Delony?

  You're not a bad mom for thinking, "I don't know how this is going to be physically and/or psychologically and/or emotionally possible."

• 20:16Dr. John Delony?

  It's okay to say those things.

• 20:20Dr. John Delony?

  In fact, the thing I'll ask you to do is don't just keep all those thoughts in your mind and in your chest, but find somebody you can say those things out loud to, okay?

• 20:28Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 20:29Dr. John Delony?

  You're not a, you're a great mom, okay?

• 20:33Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 20:35Dr. John Delony?

  All that's okay, because here's what I know. I know that when that baby's born, you're going to be excited. I know as this thing kicks in, I mean, how far along are you?

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Um, about between 10 and 12 weeks.

• 20:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. As this thing starts to, you know, the ball starts rolling downhill here pretty quick, like, once you know, once you start feeling that whole thing and you, "Here we go again," you know you'll get excited. You know how that will play out. You're allowed to look around and go, "What is going to happen now?"

• 21:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:07Dr. John Delony?

  You're allowed to ask hard questions about, "Hey, our marriage is already kind of sketch with a seven, a three, and a one-year-old?" And, "Wait, what?" Like, you're allowed to think those things. "I don't know how we're going to afford this. I don't know how I'm going to balance a seven-year-old or an eight-year-old in ABA care, plus doctor visits, plus now, like, OB-GYN visits again on the week," like, all of those things.

• 21:36Dr. John Delony?

  Because those are all real, right?

• 21:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:39Dr. John Delony?

  And forget all that for a second. How have you been after each one of these pregnancies? Have you struggled?

• 21:46Speaker 02

  So, um, on top of all this, it has been a particularly hard year for us. Um, I actually struggled with depression for the first time this year. Um, and so that, I feel like I just got to a good spot on that.

• 22:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 22:03Speaker 02

  Um, and pregnancy is not kind to me particularly. I'm not one of those women that glow and they're beautiful and have all this energy and the great hair. Like that's, that's not me. I spend most of my time with the head in the toilet kind of thing.

• 22:16Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Um, so, you know, it's not, not exactly. I look forward to the ending, but the nine months in between is, is rough and.

• 22:26Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and, and you've got a three, a three-year-old and a one-year-old. So you've already had somebody who was nursing while you were throwing up, right?

• 22:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:34Dr. John Delony?

  With a husband outside the bathroom being like, are we going to start having sex again soon? Like you've already been through all of this.

• 22:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:40Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:41Dr. John Delony?

  And so whenever somebody tells me they're feeling overwhelmed, the thing I re, the, the A1, number one thing is I want you to take out a pen and a paper and write down every single solitary thing you feel overwhelmed about. Get it out of your body and onto paper.

• 23:02Dr. John Delony?

  And that has a way of, A, illuminating what actual challenges are ahead of you. If y'all have financial challenges, like you have a real math problem, that one's not going to go away.

• 23:15Dr. John Delony?

  If you have a, my body doesn't do pregnancy well, so I'm going to be throwing up a lot. And now I'm going to have diapers to change and a kid breastfeeding and I'm good. All right, you're going to have all that. Those are real challenges.

• 23:30Dr. John Delony?

  The existential challenge of, well, how am I going to, how's my, my kid with autism going to do driving school? When I have, those are ones you can be like, hey, you know what? That's a problem for future me. Right? It has, it has, it has a way of saying, okay, we need to tackle these challenges in order.

• 23:51Dr. John Delony?

  How's your marriage right now?

• 23:54Speaker 02

  Um, it's, it's not bad. Um, my husband is a, a first responder. Um, so he works 60 hours a week on a good week. Um, and he's gone a lot and we, we live on a, a farm. I guess you could put it and we're extremely rural. We have no family around to speak of. Um, and while we have a good church, our son's issues can be rather isolating for us.

• 24:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 24:28Speaker 02

  And I think that takes its toll a little bit.

• 24:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 24:31Speaker 02

  So we, we just, we have a lot and I mean, it's, it's been a, it's been a long year. So I know, you know, it, it will get better progressively, but.

• 24:39Dr. John Delony?

  What happened this year?

• 24:41Speaker 02

  Uh, so the, the beginning of this year, my father was diagnosed, um, with stage four uncontrollable, uh, prostate cancer. And he's only 50.

• 24:52Dr. John Delony?

  Jeez.

• 24:53Speaker 02

  Yeah. So that was a big deal. Um, I had a, a brother exit the, the military last year and he was not transitioning well, um, this year, so we had to get him some help. Um, my mother-in-law, who is very dependent on us, um, she had some major medical challenges this year that are continuing. Um, and it was kind of.

• 25:17Dr. John Delony?

  Give me a, uh, I'm sorry to interrupt. Give me, give me a picture here. When you say very dependent on us, is your first responder husband who's working 60 hours a week picking up a lot of that slack? Or is it you raising three kids now, growing a fourth and also dealing with your dying dad and taking care of his mother?

• 25:37Speaker 02

  Probably the second.

• 25:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. This is where, here's what I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you as directly as I can because I want to be honest with you. Okay. And normally if we had two hours and we were just sitting down talking, I would say this more gently, right? I would kind of meander to this point.

• 25:56Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna find your marriage is gonna be in major, major trouble if you don't put some of this on the table for both of you.

• 26:04Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:04Dr. John Delony?

  In direct words like this, "We've reached a point where I can't do all of this and I have to prioritize our three kids and my kid. Your mother needs to find some support and help elsewhere."

• 26:18Speaker 02

  Right.

• 26:18Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "You're gonna have to pick up even another shift because I need some help here at the house. I can't do the farm and the chores and deal with my dying dad and be pregnant again with three kids, two of which have special needs."

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:37Dr. John Delony?

  Like, if you don't put those things on the table, and he might say, "Hey, I have to drive an hour to work and I'm working 60 hours already. We can't do that." Y'all are gonna have to make some really hard choices. But those hard choices, on the other side of those hard choices, is probably some guilt, but a ton of peace and freedom.

• 27:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 27:05Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I'll say it for you. You are at capacity.

• 27:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:11Dr. John Delony?

  And then now you're gonna grow another human. Actually, you're beyond capacity and you're gonna grow another person.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:19Dr. John Delony?

  So that means something has to give. And I'd rather it give, be given intentionally, "We're gonna have a hard conversation with my mother-in-law and we're gonna have to help her liquidate her assets so that Medicaid can step in and support and she's gonna have to go live at a place." We're gonna have to have some hard conversations like that?

• 27:40Dr. John Delony?

  Or you're gonna be having hard conversations with a, um, with a whole, you're gonna have a whole different kind of hard conversations.

• 27:54Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about your ability to have those with your spouse. Are you all good at having hard conversations?

• 28:02Speaker 02

  Um, no.

• 28:04Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  So part of the, I think what contributed to the depression I had earlier this year was I hit capacity and then I had to keep going. And so I found myself deep in burnout with nothing to give.

• 28:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  And like there was, there was no, there wasn't anything I could offload. And I think it still feels like that sometimes. And when I try to have that conversation of, hey, we now have yet another baby. I can't do the entire farm and the kids. And, you know, we, we have to homeschool all this because he can't go to school. So, I mean, it just, it, it all kind of falls on my plate. Not that he's dumping it on my plate, but that's just what our circumstances are giving us right now. And so when I bring those up, I think he perceives that as failure.

• 28:59Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 29:00Speaker 02

  Like.

• 29:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 29:01Speaker 02

  And.

• 29:02Dr. John Delony?

  You, you just said it.

• 29:02Speaker 02

  He doesn't.

• 29:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, he shuts down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So here is, the way you articulated that is so beautiful because here's the path forward. Okay?

• 29:14Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 29:15Dr. John Delony?

  It is clear in the deck and saying, hey, we need to go get breakfast somewhere. And if you've ever listened to my show, I say that probably five times a show, right? We're going to go eat somewhere. We're going to get away. I'm, I hired a neighborhood kid to come in and y'all may not even have a neighborhood, but ask somebody from your church, like we figured out a way to carve a pocket of time for us.

• 29:37Dr. John Delony?

  And I think the conversation begins with, I'm so glad that I married you.

• 29:46Dr. John Delony?

  And I feel lucky because you're such an amazing provider.

• 29:51Dr. John Delony?

  And some things have to give.

• 29:58Dr. John Delony?

  And sometimes it's as simple as starting a conversation with, "I see you and I know you and I'm gonna celebrate you." And then that buys me permission for the challenge part. Or, there's a way to basically say, "I need both of us to not run, or hide, or go into our fight or flight. We need to have some really tough conversations. I need you to be present here at the table." And I've needed both of those in my life. Sometimes for my wife to say, "Hey, no hiding, no yelling, no kicking, no fighting, no screaming. We gotta have a hard conversation." And then other times, she has led up with, "I just want you to know that I know how hard you work and I'm so proud of you.

• 30:43Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you. I need some help and support." And it might be, if you have resources, "We're gonna hire somebody to come way out in the country and help." It might be, we might need to sell the farm and move. We might need to, who knows what it's gonna be, but the dream that we're trying to hold together is no more.

• 31:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:09Dr. John Delony?

  You don't seem convinced.

• 31:12Speaker 02

  No, I just, so I have tried to have these similar conversations. And he just, he thinks that we can power through. But it winds up looking like me powering through, and him just staying on the course. And he does work hard, and I am so grateful, and I'm so proud of him. And I try to articulate that to him as frequently as I can. But it seems like when I'm complimenting him, I'm just drowning.

• 31:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 31:42Speaker 02

  And...

• 31:43Dr. John Delony?

  You don't get any back?

• 31:45Speaker 02

  Yes, and he has these goals and this picture of what he wants our family to look like, and our legacy to look like, and we've worked so hard. It just, to him, it feels like veering off course is to give up.

• 31:59Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but he needs to know it's already off course. It hasn't veered, it's crashed in a field somewhere. He just won't, he won't see it.

• 32:09Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:14Dr. John Delony?

  And it's letting him know, hey, the thing you think, it's not like we're holding it together. It's gone. The marriage we had is over. We're adding a fourth kid. We've never been married with four kids.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:25Dr. John Delony?

  Three of which are three and under, for God's sakes.

• 32:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:28Dr. John Delony?

  And the fourth is a special needs kid.

• 32:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:33Dr. John Delony?

  My fear for you two is his determination to have this amazing picture, your determination to be an amazing mom, an amazing wife, to an amazing guy, y'all are both working really hard to try to keep the other person's picture afloat. He thinks this is what is going to be best for everybody. And you're like, alright, his picture's gonna be best for everybody. And you're both gonna end up calling back in the show one day and your marriage is gonna be in ash.

• 33:01Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:02Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't want that for you.

• 33:04Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:09Dr. John Delony?

  But it takes somebody to, you've heard me say this, like turn the music off and turn the lights on. And maybe you writing all this stuff out and saying, we need to decide three or four things that I'm gonna stop doing. And we either have to agree as a family, we're not gonna do it anymore, you're gonna have to pick up the slack, or we're gonna have to hire somebody. But there's only so much energy to go around. And now I've gonna have three kids in diapers. I'm gonna have three kids in diapers, one of which is gonna have to have a whole bunch of medical visits. And like, just putting it all boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And maybe if you bring three or four things to the table, we can no longer be the support network for your mom. She's gonna have to go be a grown up and get her own support

• 33:52Dr. John Delony?

  network. It can't be us, because you're working 60 or 70 hours a week and I've got so much going on. Maybe. But I think, going back to that statement you said, maybe I haven't been as direct as I need to be. This is that moment.

• 34:09Dr. John Delony?

  And my hope and prayer is he can hear it. That his wife loves him, recognizes that he's awesome, and also is saying, "The picture, the fantasy you have doesn't exist. Let's create one that is actually tangible and real." I'm gonna send you Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want y'all both to read it together. It might be a starting point for the first choice you have to make as a person who wants to have a well and a whole household, is we have to choose reality, and there's some exercises in there that y'all can do together that I think could be pretty instructive. Thank you for the call. I'm really grateful, Kay. There's no bad thoughts. You can be frustrated and sad, and "Oh, my gosh, here we go again."

• 34:52Dr. John Delony?

  And make sure that you also give honesty and credence to the good thoughts. You're about to have another amazing little baby. And it sounds like you're a pretty amazing mom. When we come back, a woman asks if she should tell her stepmom the truth about her dad's past. This time of year, we are giving our time, our money, and sometimes without meaning to, giving away our personal data to everyone, all over the place. That's why I recommend Delete Me. And listen, I like a good deal as much as the next guy. Just remember, every email click or every newsletter sign up is another piece of your personal life that

• 35:35Dr. John Delony?

  you're just handing to somebody else. If it's free, you are the product. And they take your data and they sell it everywhere. They grab it, bundle it, and give it away to other shady data brokers. This includes your name, your phone number, your address. It's all floating around out there in the digital wilderness. And this is how you end up with all those spam calls and weird text messages that makes it feel like somebody's always looking over your shoulder, because they are. If you want to take back your privacy and your peace, you need Delete Me. They're like a digital cleaning crew. They go into the internets in the darkest parts of the internets, and they find your personal information,

• 36:17Dr. John Delony?

  and they get it removed, and they keep it gone. Peace does not just come from turning off your notifications. It comes from knowing your data isn't for sale anymore. Right now, you can get 20% off your annual Delete Me plan when you go to joindelete.me/daloni.

• 36:34Dr. John Delony?

  Go be safe in the digital world. That's joindelete.me.com/deloney. All right, Denver, Colorado. Kelly's favorite place to go get high. Let's talk to Stephanie. What's up, Stephanie?

• 36:50Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm very excited to talk to you.

• 36:55Dr. John Delony?

  I'm excited to talk to you. What's up?

• 36:58Speaker 03

  So, um, I try to calm myself down a little. Um, so my, my dad has been married to my stepmom for like coming up on 20 years. So it's been a while. Um, and she's, you know, a person I have a relationship with. Um, and I just kind of know all these things about like when my parents got divorced and kind of why they got divorced and things that happened back then that like I know he's lied about to her.

• 37:30Dr. John Delony?

  For two decades?

• 37:33Speaker 03

  I mean, yeah, I think that, um, like when, after they got married, she's a very, you know, faith-based person. And so he has become a person of faith. And so for a long time, I just assumed, you know, he's not lying. He's not doing that kind of stuff anymore. But

• 37:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, because Christian, people of faith never lie.

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Right, well, of course, yeah.

• 37:56Dr. John Delony?

  They always tell the truth.

• 37:58Speaker 03

  Right, I would just assume that he was being honest or, or maybe she didn't know everything, but it wasn't a lie that he was telling. And, but the last couple of years, there's been a few things that like I know he's telling her lies or the things that he's saying are lies.

• 38:16Dr. John Delony?

  Have you confronted him about it?

• 38:19Speaker 03

  No.

• 38:20Dr. John Delony?

  Why not?

• 38:22Speaker 03

  I, well, I feel, I was thinking, I was figuring you were gonna ask me that. Um, I probably, when I was younger, I probably asked him some things, um, like when I was a teenager and of course he's a pretty smooth talker. So he can kind of, he would always kind of wiggle his way out of questions he didn't really want to answer. And I was kind of, you know, I'm the kid, he's the dad. It's not my job to tell him like how to be a better person or whatever. So whatever. And so the answer is no, I haven't questioned him, but I, I also

• 39:00Speaker 03

  Feel like even if I did, that what he would say to me would probably be lies. And then if I said like, oh, well, this is what I heard from mom and he'd be like, oh, well, that's stuff between me and your mom and, and we should, you know, and she shouldn't be talking about stuff like that.

• 39:13Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 39:14Speaker 03

  I'm forty.

• 39:15Dr. John Delony?

  Forty, okay.

• 39:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, and so he's been married to my stepmom for a long time and, you know, and so I knew stuff too, when my parents were getting divorced, of course, I was younger and I didn't know details, but like, they divorced because of like, financial infidelity and he was like, even at one point, they were like franchise owners and my mom, of course, doesn't know the whole story because she never really got it, but like, he was told, you have to leave quietly or you're going to be prosecuted. So, she, you know, and so she-

• 39:49Dr. John Delony?

  So, what's your question? Are you, are you asking whether you should tell your stepmom after two decades that her dad, her husband's been lying to her?

• 39:56Speaker 03

  Yes, basically.

• 39:58Dr. John Delony?

  I, I wouldn't do that.

• 40:00Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:01Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I would do this, you're forty years old now.

• 40:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:06Dr. John Delony?

  Forty, say, I'm forty.

• 40:08Speaker 03

  I'm forty.

• 40:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. It's time now. I don't know what kind of hold he has over you.

• 40:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:17Dr. John Delony?

  But you're forty. And

• 40:21Dr. John Delony?

  you're old enough now to, um, be really quiet and direct and clear and concise.

• 40:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:33Dr. John Delony?

  Hey dad, I need you to know something. I know that mom, stepmom doesn't have all the information, she doesn't, she's mentioning things the last few years. And it made me realize, oh, she doesn't know.

• 40:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:46Dr. John Delony?

  I need you to know, I will never lie to her.

• 40:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:52Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you know, no, I'm telling you right now, if she ever asks me a question, I will never lie to her. Just want you to know that. If there are conversations y'all have not had, you should probably have them.

• 41:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:05Dr. John Delony?

  Period. End of story.

• 41:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  And so, by giving him notice, which he doesn't need or deserve, but it's not about him, it's about the kind of person you're gonna be.

• 41:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:16Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna be a person who treats everybody with dignity and respect, whether they deserve it or not.

• 41:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:22Dr. John Delony?

  Cause all I can controls me. I'm gonna let him know. And I'm not gonna go tattle on him, I'm not gonna go, but if she, if I'm doing something with my stepmom, who I have a 20 year relationship with, and she says, I just can't believe your mother divorced him for no reason, you can say, oh, there was for sure reason.

• 41:42Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:43Dr. John Delony?

  It's when he was being prosecuted.

• 41:45Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 41:47Speaker 03

  But yeah, that's, that's one of the lies I know he's told her. He said, he told my stepmom that he divorced my mom because she started dating somebody else, which she did after she'd taken him back, like five or six times after he promised, you know, I'll never do it again, whatever with money stuff. And so it's, it's all these things.

• 42:06Dr. John Delony?

  It sounds like you wanna tell him, it sounds like you wanna tell him because he ruined your childhood and now you're a little bit strong enough to, to get him back.

• 42:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I don't, I would, I mean, I would, I guess, I don't really think of it as he ruined my childhood.

• 42:22Dr. John Delony?

  Well, he did. He blew up your childhood. He did.

• 42:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, he did.

• 42:26Dr. John Delony?

  He totally blew it up. And by the way, that didn't happen in a vacuum. That means he was always lying to you guys all the time.

• 42:32Speaker 03

  Right.

• 42:32Dr. John Delony?

  He was always shady.

• 42:35Speaker 03

  Right.

• 42:36Dr. John Delony?

  And he was always a smooth, slick talker. And he's always cheating on your mom. And he's always putting money over here and moving. That's, that's your whole childhood.

• 42:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:44Dr. John Delony?

  But at 40 years old, I'm telling you, the victory you think you will feel after you sit down, your stepmom, you're like, you want me, let me tell you what really happened. A,

• 42:53Dr. John Delony?

  I promise you, she knows more than you think she does.

• 42:57Speaker 03

  She probably does no more than than I think she does.

• 43:00Dr. John Delony?

  And it is her way of keeping herself able to to she has to create a psychological world that she can live in.

• 43:07Speaker 03

  Right.

• 43:08Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 43:10Speaker 03

  Okay, well, can I just give you another example? So like we were at.

• 43:13Dr. John Delony?

  If it makes you feel better, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  This is just a good example. We were like at Thanksgiving dinner a couple of years ago and my dad's sister said, hey, whatever happened to that girl that you were engaged to before um before he was with my mom? And like, I guess he had never told my stepmom this, she didn't know that he was engaged to somebody else, and he sat there at the table and said, no, I don't remember that. I don't remember that person.

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you just told me another story about how your dad lies a lot.

• 43:43Speaker 03

  Right, he does.

• 43:45Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but like, what what what value is it in like, just keeping a list that you just tell everybody?

• 43:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, I I know.

• 43:52Dr. John Delony?

  It's a choice for you to just get yourself all ginned up and ready to fight somebody, but there's nobody to fight because you won't fight him.

• 44:00Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 44:01Speaker 03

  I I totally get what you're saying, and I I think I'm usually just like, I don't feel like I don't, I mean, I know it's not my responsibility, but I don't want to blow up her life or their life for a while until and then he'll come up with some stupid lies for what I've said. So it's like, I don't even know if it's worth it, I guess, to even say anything. And at the same time, I feel a little bit like I'm lying to her. Like, if I was, if my husband had this past, I would want to know.

• 44:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but you're not her.

• 44:33Speaker 03

  Right.

• 44:34Dr. John Delony?

  Number one. Number two, you can be a person who doesn't lie, ever.

• 44:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:41Dr. John Delony?

  And if she says something, if she ever asks you something point blank, or she's carrying on about a story that you kind of think she's also fishing to, you can be a person who doesn't lie. And if your dad calls and says, what did you tell her? Dad, you lied to us your whole life. I don't lie.

• 45:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:02Dr. John Delony?

  And that will probably cost you the fantasy that is y'all's world, which is, he won't call you anymore, or he's gonna make up lies about you. At the at some point, you have to unhook yourself.

• 45:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:14Dr. John Delony?

  And grieve the fact that your dad is not a man of character.

• 45:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:19Dr. John Delony?

  And every daughter deserves to have a man of character that she can anchor into, and you don't have that.

• 45:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:27Dr. John Delony?

  And that's frickin heartbreaking.

• 45:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, I do have, you know, other men in my life.

• 45:33Dr. John Delony?

  No, I know, I know, but you don't have your dad.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:38Dr. John Delony?

  My daughter has a dad who's a little unhinged. My daughter has a dad who thinks fart jokes are the funniest thing ever. My daughter has a dad who, right before she falls asleep and I get home late, I will run in cannonball on her bed and she'll be like, Dad, why'd you... She does, she has all that. But she has a dad that I know she can count on.

• 45:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:56Dr. John Delony?

  She knows she can count on. You don't have that.

• 46:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, so constantly trying to go back to that well and solve that. At some point, you're gonna have to unhook yourself from, I do not care what that man thinks about me, because he doesn't get a vote.

• 46:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:15Dr. John Delony?

  He cashed that vote in when he blew up my childhood. When he stole from my mom, when he cheated on my mom, when he... whatever.

• 46:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:22Dr. John Delony?

  And then you have to decide, who am I going to be?

• 46:27Speaker 03

  So, okay, so, so if I ever, like, if he's in my presence, if he's saying something that I know is a lie, do you, I should just call him out on it?

• 46:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yes!

• 46:36Speaker 03

  Regardless of the situation?

• 46:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yes!

• 46:38Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  Or, stop being in his presence.

• 46:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:43Dr. John Delony?

  Why do you keep being in his presence?

• 46:47Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, he's, you know, he's, he's my dad. And I do love him still, and...

• 46:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but he hurts you every time you're around. And he puts you in positions to become a person who lacks integrity every time he's with you.

• 47:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:04Dr. John Delony?

  That's not a good man. Because he's put you in a position where his lies force you into a moral dilemma.

• 47:11Speaker 03

  Right.

• 47:12Dr. John Delony?

  Do I blow up dinner? Do I blow up his, my stepmom's life? Or do I just go along and become a liar too?

• 47:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:22Dr. John Delony?

  It's not a good friend.

• 47:25Speaker 03

  Yeah. You're right. Of course, you're right.

• 47:28Dr. John Delony?

  If you're at a bar and one of your buddies gets in a fight, you're a good friend if you stay with your buddy. If, every time you go to a bar, that friend gets in a fight, he's not a good friend.

• 47:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:39Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 47:40Speaker 03

  Yes, I do. Absolutely.

• 47:46Speaker 03

  It's heartbreaking.

• 47:54Dr. John Delony?

  I'll say this as directly as I can, you deserved a better man.

• 48:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:02Dr. John Delony?

  And the only choice you can make moving forward is who are you going to be?

• 48:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I, I know who I want to be and I want to be a person who's honest, like I don't, you know.

• 48:14Dr. John Delony?

  Then be that person.

• 48:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:16Dr. John Delony?

  And being that person will come at a great cost to the fantasy that is your family's life.

• 48:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:24Dr. John Delony?

  Make peace with that.

• 48:26Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 48:27Dr. John Delony?

  Or make peace with being a person who doesn't hang around liars. Or make peace with the fact that I'm gonna be a person who just goes along with this lying dude because everybody knows he's lying and I'm just gonna go get another piece of cake and go on about it. Your stepmom knows he's a liar, by the way. She knows.

• 48:45Speaker 03

  I think she does.

• 48:46Dr. John Delony?

  Of course she does. How in the world could you think you know him better than the woman who shared a house with him for 20 years? She knows him. She knows.

• 48:55Speaker 03

  I think that is true.

• 48:56Dr. John Delony?

  I know that is true.

• 48:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:01Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe it would make you feel better. I wouldn't recommend this, but maybe you tell her, "Hey, if you ever have questions about the past that you're like, 'Is this true?' I'll be honest with you. I'll tell you the truth, if you ever want to know."

• 49:18Dr. John Delony?

  And then you're just putting it on the table and letting her decide, "I don't want to know." Or she might look at you and say, "Honey, I do know."

• 49:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:26Dr. John Delony?

  Who do you think you are, right?

• 49:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:28Dr. John Delony?

  But you need to check your spirit. If this is about retribution or about like, finally I've got you, like, man, let that go. It's gonna be a hollow victory.

• 49:36Speaker 03

  Right. I definitely don't want to like, you know, I don't want to feel like I've won this battle. It's not really that. It's just I don't like it in my spirit when I do feel like I'm lying when things come up.

• 49:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then be a person who never lies.

• 49:52Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 49:54Dr. John Delony?

  And if he starts prattling on about something, you can say, "Dad, that did not happen like that." And it doesn't have to be a moment of great, like, combat. It doesn't have to be a big engagement. It just has to be a quiet, "Dad, that didn't happen like that at all."

• 50:09Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:11Dr. John Delony?

  And you can go on about your life.

• 50:14Dr. John Delony?

  And if he calls you on it, you can say quietly, but firmly and directly, "Dad, you've lied to us your whole life. I'm a person who's decided I'm never gonna lie. I'm never gonna be around deception."

• 50:28Dr. John Delony?

  Ta-da.

• 50:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:32Dr. John Delony?

  And that's you practicing, he doesn't get a vote. Maybe your brother does, maybe your husband does, maybe your boyfriend does. What, you get to decide who gets a vote in your life, and he doesn't get one.

• 50:46Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe your birth mother does, maybe your stepmother does, and if that's the case, then I'm gonna especially be honest and open and vulnerable with those people, because they get a vote in my life.

• 51:01Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:02Dr. John Delony?

  But it sounds deep, deep in my soul that you haven't grieved the fact that this is your dad.

• 51:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that's probably true.

• 51:14Dr. John Delony?

  Will you do me a favor?

• 51:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:16Dr. John Delony?

  Will you write a letter to 16-year-old Stephanie?

• 51:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:24Dr. John Delony?

  And tell that sweet 16-year-old girl who's wondering why her dad is treating her like this, and treating her mom like this, and treating her siblings like this, and blowing up the family in slow motion, will you write her a letter and let her know this is not her fault, she didn't do anything wrong?

• 51:39Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yes, I will do that.

• 51:43Dr. John Delony?

  And will you give that 16-year-old girl permission to unhook, to stop trying to live her life, trying to prove to this guy that she's worthy of being loved, and she's worthy of being told the truth?

• 51:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:57Dr. John Delony?

  Because it was never about her, her dad wasn't well, man.

• 52:01Speaker 03

  Right, yeah.

• 52:06Speaker 03

  Definitely. Yeah, thank you very much for that input that, you know, it helps a lot just to, you know, hear what somebody else

• 52:12Dr. John Delony?

  You're not crazy.

• 52:13Speaker 03

  has to say that's outside of the situation.

• 52:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you're not crazy. But you can make this thing a crazy situation if you go in there just pulling grenades and throwing them just because you can.

• 52:23Speaker 03

  Right.

• 52:24Dr. John Delony?

  And what I'll tell you is if you go into a situation for retribution's sake, or to throw grenades, or because I want justice.

• 52:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:31Dr. John Delony?

  You're entitled to it. But you're gonna look around at a field of ash, and you will recognize that you went with you.

• 52:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:42Dr. John Delony?

  You'll still be the 16-year-old girl looking around, wondering why dad did what he did.

• 52:48Dr. John Delony?

  You will not feel any better.

• 52:52Dr. John Delony?

  The path to healing won't be in the grenades. It will be in you looking in the mirror and saying, as for me and my household, this is who we're gonna be moving forward.

• 53:02Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 53:03Dr. John Delony?

  And that's where you'll find confidence, beauty, power, autonomy, strength. And suddenly, this man that you have been trying to get to connect with you for so many years, you'll realize how small he is.

• 53:25Dr. John Delony?

  Almost that you were attached to a ghost for so many years.

• 53:40Dr. John Delony?

  Still with me?

• 53:42Speaker 03

  I'm here, I'm just...

• 53:44Dr. John Delony?

  I know it's a lot.

• 53:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:47Dr. John Delony?

  Normally, I would have taken like an hour to talk to you about this. We were sitting together. I know it's a lot.

• 53:51Speaker 03

  No, I know. I know. Yeah, and that's, yeah.

• 53:54Dr. John Delony?

  It's like, here's a full, large pizza. Eat the whole thing in 13 minutes. Go. Right, I get that. It's a lot to digest.

• 53:59Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 54:02Dr. John Delony?

  But I think that's the, I think that's the path. It's less about, should I tell her this, or should I tell him that? The question is, who do I want to be? Who am I going to be? And what kind of actions are gonna get me to that kind of person?

• 54:16Dr. John Delony?

  Because at the end of the day, the only person you can control is you.

• 54:23Dr. John Delony?

  It's your move. Thanks for the call, sister. I'm glad that you reached out. We'll be right back.

• 54:28Dr. John Delony?

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• 55:13Dr. John Delony?

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• 55:48Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Here is a money in marriage question. This is a money marriage question from the Money Marriage event that I do with my friend Rachel Cruz, and this is one of the anonymous questions left in the anonymous question box. The question is, "How do I help a spouse with an addiction when he doesn't think he has a problem?"

• 56:11Dr. John Delony?

  Man, this is really multifaceted because it can be, or it's complex, especially depending on the particular addiction he has.

• 56:22Dr. John Delony?

  For instance, I wouldn't say I have an addiction to gummy candy. I would say I have a very unhealthy relationship with it. That is best addressed with a laugh. And it's best addressed, like when Kelly will come in, holding a handful of rappers. I'd be like, are we having this kind of day, John? And I'll be like, oh, okay, I got a problem. Um, I need to take a few days off. Or if my wife, um, when she, like in the washing machine, when there's like 45 rappers, she's like, hey, um, do we need to go for a walk tonight? Or like, you mean to call your counselor for you? Like, so if it's that kind of addiction, then, um, it can be addressed with a smile or some gentle, kind, direct, or making fun of me a little bit.

• 57:04Dr. John Delony?

  If it's alcohol, if it's opiates, if it's pornography, if it's a sexual addiction, then it has to be more direct. And it almost always comes from one of, or two, one or two places. You setting a boundary.

• 57:21Dr. John Delony?

  Because here's the, the way you phrase this with, with, how do I help a spouse with an addiction when he doesn't think it's a problem? Most of the time, the addiction is the solution to the problem. The alcohol works. The sex with a stranger works for a second.

• 57:40Dr. John Delony?

  The problem is the hollowness. The problem is the lack of purpose. The problem is the childhood abuse that we're trying to quiet the alarms on. And so, yeah, that's why everyone says, I got it under control. It's fine. I can stop at any time. It's just a drink. Relax. It's just whatever. I had a bad night. Well, like, so it, it's not, that's not going to be the approach. The approach will be,

• 58:04Dr. John Delony?

  I'm uncomfortable with your drinking. If you drink again, you cannot stay at this house. Are you kidding me? It's my- Or, I won't be at this house if you've been drinking.

• 58:14Dr. John Delony?

  If I find pornography on the computer again, I'm cutting off the internet and I'm going to ask you to leave for three weeks. I'm not leaving my own house. Okay, cool. I'm going to leave this house for three weeks because I don't want to be around this.

• 58:31Dr. John Delony?

  If you sleep with somebody else again, I'm filing for divorce. There's a boundary. That's one, that's one place.

• 58:40Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, it usually spins up the addictive behavior because that internal chaos becomes more to the surface and I'm going to do more of that addictive behavior. I'm going to do more gambling because I got to tamp down that, that alarm system. Or the other one is getting some friends and family, some people that this person, that your husband trusts to all show up. It's an intervention. Doesn't have to be as dramatic as an intervention, or it might be depending on the severity of the addiction, but I'm going to get a couple of people.

• 59:11Dr. John Delony?

  If I had an addiction to, if I had a sexual addiction

• 59:17Dr. John Delony?

  and three of my old 20 or 30 year buddies showed up at my house

• 59:22Dr. John Delony?

  and we all sat at a table and they said, this ends today.

• 59:26Dr. John Delony?

  I packed a bag. I'm driving you to rehab. Like, we're out of here. Like, that would be a powerful thing for me.

• 59:33Dr. John Delony?

  So it is either you establish some boundaries about what behavior you will or will not tolerate in your life

• 59:41Dr. John Delony?

  and/or you get some other folks who are going to intervene. And you might have to call a therapist, a specialist in interventions to walk through it, depending, again, if it's opiates or heroin addiction, or a deep alcohol addiction, or two or three of his closest friends who have similar values and beliefs, if it's an addiction to pornography, or whatever the thing is, or a gambling addiction, or whatever. If it's a gambling addiction, by the way, I'm going to no longer have my checking, my direct deposit go into the account. I'm opening a savings account and in my own checking account where I can keep at least the house paid and the light bill paid, the water paid, and food on our kids' table.

• 1:00:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm going to take some, some actions forward.

• 1:00:31Dr. John Delony?

  And I think it was Johann Hari that said, "The opposite of addiction is connection." And so I'm always gonna let the person who I'm sitting down with, who's struggling with an addiction, that I'm doing some sort of intervention, I'm always gonna let them know, "I'll be right here. I'll be with you. This is the actions, the behaviors I'm not gonna tolerate, but I'll be with you. Anytime you wanna get in a car, I'll drive you to rehab. Anytime you wanna have a hard conversation, I'm here. Anytime you want me to smash your computer and throw it out the window and get rid of the internet, I'll do it. I'll come over to your house and pour all the alcohol. I'll do that with you. I'm always gonna be right here with you. I'm not gonna disconnect from you, but I am gonna hold some boundaries." So that's, that's my thought there. If a spouse doesn't think they have a problem with

• 1:01:15Dr. John Delony?

  an addictive behavior, and you're watching them whittle away to nothing, or you're scared for your safety in your house, those are a few approaches you could take. Thank you so much for being with us, everybody. Go do something tonight. Tonight, go do something kind for a stranger. I'll commit to doing something today. You make that commitment too. It's gonna take a bunch of little acts of kindness for this whole world to turn around. I'm in. Hope you'll join. See you soon.