Kevin Nealon Returns Once More

Comedian Kevin Nealon feels nothing about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Kevin sits down with Conan once more to discuss how a certain cat and a pair of jeans inspired the title of his new stand-up special Loose in the Crotch, painting celebrity caricatures, sneezing loudly, and futile attempts to support each other. Later, Conan demands to know how Sona and Matt would spend their lives without the performing arts. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  At Amica Insurance, we believe trust is earned over a lifetime. With Amica Life Insurance, you can count on us to help protect the life you're building and the loved ones you're building it with. For us, trust is what life insurance is all about. And that's why generations of customers trust Amica to be there in the moments that matter. Visit amica.com to get a customized quote today. Amica: Empathy is our best policy.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Monday on NBC. The wait is over for St. Dennis Medical.

• 0:34Speaker 02

  Strap in.

• 0:35Speaker 01

  The comedy about doctors.

• 0:37Speaker 03

  Woo, let's get it!

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Without boundaries.

• 0:40Speaker 03

  Healthcare is a fun, fulfilling, exciting career.

• 0:43Speaker 02

  Is it because you're getting sued and puked on all the time?

• 0:45Speaker 01

  And they're back for another dose.

• 0:48Speaker 04

  I want to show you the secret sauce of St. Dennis: the staff!

• 0:51Speaker 05

  This place is hell, literal hell!

• 0:54Speaker 04

  Well, that's enough secret sauce.

• 0:55Speaker 01

  All-new St. Dennis Medical, Monday on NBC.

• 1:03Speaker 06

  My name is Kevin Nealon and I feel...

• 1:08Speaker 06

  Nothing about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 1:10Conan O'Brien?

  You feel nothing?

• 1:11Speaker 06

  Nothing at all, I'm dead inside.

• 1:35Conan O'Brien?

  Hey everybody and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by Sona Obsession.

• 1:40Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:41Conan O'Brien?

  And Matt Gourley.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 1:43Conan O'Brien?

  We were just talking about this a second ago. It's occurred to me a bunch that if I was turned out into the real workforce now, as I am, with my, whatever, I'm gonna call them skills, just to be generous to myself, I would not be able to get any job. And I do think, no, I'm being serious here. I don't.

• 2:00Speaker 04

  I'm trying to think.

• 2:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. If you could wave a magic wand and people, first of all, if they didn't know who I was, that might be an advantage. But if I was thrown out into the world and I don't have the ability to go, hey, maybe you've seen some of my videos on YouTube or whatever. You watched me in the old days. Come on, let me work here at this bar. If I didn't have that to work with and I just had to go by my skills, I think I would starve to death. And I'm wondering, I mean.

• 2:27Speaker 02

  History teacher, I think, you know? You could do, you could be a good teacher.

• 2:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but they have to know, I don't have a, I'm not disciplined about it. I like to read all that stuff and I have a lot of weird knowledge, but I can't teach a class and I shouldn't teach a class.

• 2:40Speaker 04

  You give everyone As. You'd just feel bad, I feel like.

• 2:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 2:44Speaker 04

  If you read it.

• 2:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 2:45Speaker 04

  You'd be like, oh, they tried.

• 2:46Conan O'Brien?

  Except if a kid was really dumb, I'd really go after him.

• 2:49Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 2:51Conan O'Brien?

  No, I mean, after school, I'd like follow him and then.

• 2:54Speaker 04

  Okay, all right. I thought you meant in class.

• 2:56Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna kill you. That kind of, I'll get you, I'll kill you. I'd put a bag over my head. You know, they're gonna get you.

• 3:03Speaker 04

  You think all you need.

• 3:04Conan O'Brien?

  Gee, Mr. O'Brien, why you have that bag on your head? And then I forget that, oh, the McDonald's wrote my name on the bag as they passed it.

• 3:11Speaker 04

  You think that's the only thing that would conceal you is the bag?

• 3:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 3:15Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 3:15Conan O'Brien?

  I'd have a bag on my head, but I'd be wearing a original Late Night with Conan O'Brien shirt and I'd have written on it, this is mine, because I'm the host. In indelible ink. Gee, Mr. O'Brien, why do you have that bag on your head?

• 3:30Speaker 02

  Before you were known, did you have any, like, entry-level, regular jobs that weren't in the industry or anything like that?

• 3:35Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, I, as we know, I worked at Wilson's House of Suede and Leather. I was a camp counselor.

• 3:40Speaker 02

  You can go back.

• 3:41Conan O'Brien?

  I, I mean, a lot of, a lot of my stuff was not, I don't have real skills in the world and this, this is a problem. And I, look, I'm gonna say that about myself, but I'm questioning, like, Sona.

• 3:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:55Conan O'Brien?

  I, I think if you, when I, when I met you, you were a very hardworking, efficient, knowledgeable person. I'm being serious.

• 4:06Speaker 04

  Why are you laughing? I was.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  I know where this is going.

• 4:08Conan O'Brien?

  No, but listen, but then I saw you rot so quickly.

• 4:12Speaker 02

  This is where I knew.

• 4:13Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, seriously, rot. Just fall apart because suddenly, oh, there's lots of free white wine around at, at, in network events and, and suddenly you're just getting paid to be on camera and tell me to fuck off. What I'm saying is.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  Or true skill.

• 4:28Conan O'Brien?

  Could you?

• 4:29Speaker 04

  Well.

• 4:30Conan O'Brien?

  Let's say, and what I'm doing with this exercise is saying you cannot, you cannot go into entertainment or anything like that. You have to get a job where they don't know who you are.

• 4:40Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 4:40Conan O'Brien?

  You can't trade on the fact that you might be a known person. And for you, you can't do anything podcast related.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  Thank God.

• 4:45Conan O'Brien?

  What would you do?

• 4:47Speaker 04

  I actually think about this.

• 4:49Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 4:50Speaker 04

  Um.

• 4:50Conan O'Brien?

  You should, by the way.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  Wait, there's a reason you're bringing this up.

• 4:55Speaker 04

  Also, the fact that you took no responsibility in what happened to me and how I've devolved as a person. You are a circus clown. And so, no part of my job is ever serious. And I realized, early on, my job was to be fodder for your bits. And so, everything else just fell by the wayside. So, it's your fault.

• 5:16Conan O'Brien?

  So, it's my fault, okay.

• 5:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:18Conan O'Brien?

  So, no doubt, I have contributed.

• 5:20Speaker 04

  But you're right, the wine helped.

• 5:21Conan O'Brien?

  But you always have to see your own hand in things.

• 5:23Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 5:23Conan O'Brien?

  And you rotted so quickly.

• 5:25Speaker 04

  I did.

• 5:26Conan O'Brien?

  Guys, guys, guys, hold on, hold on a second.

• 5:28Speaker 02

  What?

• 5:29Conan O'Brien?

  All right. Let's continue this discussion, because I want real answers later in this, in this presentation. What do you think?

• 5:36Speaker 02

  Okay, I think that's a great idea. So, to be continued for the segment at the end of this episode.

• 5:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 5:41Speaker 02

  All right, sounds good.

• 5:42Conan O'Brien?

  My guest today is a hilarious comedian and a very good friend of mine, whose new stand-up special, Loose in the Crotch, is available on YouTube. The podcast always goes off the rails when he's here. It's always a beautiful disaster, so I'm looking forward to this.

• 6:04Conan O'Brien?

  Kevin Nealon, welcome.

• 6:09Conan O'Brien?

  I met you in the beginning of 1988. I was in the writer's room at Saturday Night Live. And you walked in with Dana, and I was very excited to meet you.

• 6:18Speaker 06

  I feel like I have Alzheimer's. You're trying to remind me of what happened.

• 6:21Conan O'Brien?

  Your name was Kevin Nealon.

• 6:22Speaker 06

  Really?

• 6:23Conan O'Brien?

  And you're a comedian at the time, and then you got out of that.

• 6:26Speaker 06

  I did?

• 6:27Conan O'Brien?

  You're more into real estate now.

• 6:28Speaker 06

  No.

• 6:29Conan O'Brien?

  I am thrilled.

• 6:30Speaker 06

  No.

• 6:31Conan O'Brien?

  Well, it's real estate, it's very lucrative.

• 6:32Speaker 06

  I don't know when he's kidding or not.

• 6:35Conan O'Brien?

  I am thrilled that you're here and for you to say you feel nothing after all these years of us being very close, very close.

• 6:42Speaker 06

  I'll tell you why I said that. Because I've felt everything already and there's nothing more to feel about you. Hate, anger, jealousy, all of that.

• 6:52Conan O'Brien?

  I'm determined today to keep this thing running smoothly.

• 6:58Speaker 06

  Can we please, can we please have some kind of a conversation?

• 7:00Conan O'Brien?

  In the past, we've had difficulties. You and I are not real people and when we encounter each other, it's like two AI chipmunks having it out in a foxhole.

• 7:09Speaker 06

  When you say "we," you mean you.

• 7:11Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, you too. You know that you have a problem. You don't look me in the eye.

• 7:14Speaker 06

  I can constantly look in your eye. Just one eye.

• 7:17Conan O'Brien?

  I have two of them. That's the problem, you just look at one eye.

• 7:20Speaker 06

  I don't want to look at the other eye. It's not a good eye. You know that.

• 7:24Conan O'Brien?

  Thrilled you're here, thrilled you're here. And you were just down the street. I wasn't able to join you. You kindly invited me and you were, you were sitting with some heavy hitters.

• 7:35Speaker 06

  Yeah, I always sit with heavy hitters.

• 7:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 7:37Speaker 06

  Normally when I do a podcast, I get together with the host beforehand and kind of, you know, break bread and we kind of talk about what we're going to talk about, but not a lot of prep on this one, as always.

• 7:47Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't want to do that. No, no, we're going in as we always do.

• 7:49Speaker 06

  Hot.

• 7:50Conan O'Brien?

  Hot. We're coming in hot.

• 7:52Speaker 06

  Coming in hot.

• 7:53Conan O'Brien?

  How are you? You're on the road a lot, I know. You're constantly on the go. You have a new special coming out. I mean, this is, these are exciting times.

• 8:01Speaker 06

  These are really exciting times. I got a lot of things I want to talk about here, so when you're done pussyfooting around, let's get down to it.

• 8:07Conan O'Brien?

  Just a little more pussyfooting.

• 8:10Speaker 06

  No, things are going well. I am very busy. I've done a lot of stand-up comedy and I'm really at the top, as Gary Shanley used to say, "Cam, you're at the top of your game."

• 8:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Well, you are. I've never seen you not be at the top of your game. I know you're, you're...

• 8:26Speaker 06

  We're talking about pickleball, right?

• 8:27Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no. We're not doing that.

• 8:29Speaker 06

  Okay, let's not do that, man.

• 8:30Conan O'Brien?

  You disarmed my, I was going to seriously say I, I think you're one of the best stand-up comedians I know consistently for, for many, many, many years. I've never seen you not be at the top of your game. You're just, you're a winner. And if you were a hot dog, you'd be a wiener. This is why I'm...

• 8:47Speaker 06

  Oh, come on.

• 8:48Conan O'Brien?

  This is why I'm...

• 8:49Speaker 06

  At the bottom of your game?

• 8:50Conan O'Brien?

  At the bottom of my game. That reminded me of a really funny cartoon I saw once is a hot dog opening his mail and it said, he's at the, you know, little mailbox and then.

• 8:58Speaker 06

  By the way, I love food jokes.

• 9:01Conan O'Brien?

  And the caption is, "You may already be a weiner." And that's such a good one. I love that. That's a good one. Yeah.

• 9:07Speaker 06

  I like that one.

• 9:08Conan O'Brien?

  All right. Uh oh. Glass of water. What's going on? How are you, buddy?

• 9:12Speaker 06

  I'm doing great. How many times are you gonna ask me that?

• 9:16Conan O'Brien?

  How are you, Doc?

• 9:16Speaker 06

  I'm doing really well. Like, you know, we come around the gate. I do have a special coming out. It's called Loose in the Crotch.

• 9:22Conan O'Brien?

  Loose in the crotch. Now, can you tell us what that's all about? The title. You can give them.

• 9:25Speaker 06

  I will give you the title. I'll tell you the whole.

• 9:27Conan O'Brien?

  It's probably maturely you don't want to waste beer because it's on the special.

• 9:29Speaker 06

  Special if you want right now. I have it memorized.

• 9:31Conan O'Brien?

  I prefer that.

• 9:32Speaker 06

  Um, loose in the crotch comes from, um, a cat I used to have named Pierre. And I love this cat so much. And I'm not a cat person. You know what I mean? I don't like cats, to be honest with you. I wish them well, success, but I'm not a cat person.

• 9:45Conan O'Brien?

  What kind of success do you want?

• 9:47Speaker 06

  Any kind of cat success.

• 9:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I got it. Yeah.

• 9:49Speaker 06

  Nice cat tree one day. Nice cat tree, maybe.

• 9:54Speaker 06

  Produce some good hairballs. You know, something that's good.

• 9:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:57Speaker 06

  Um, so this cat was amazing. He was just so friendly and, um, and I just, I loved him. I loved him. This is 10 years ago. He passed away. And I had a pair of jeans at the same time. And these jeans were like the perfect fitting jeans. You know how you get a pair of jeans once in your lifetime? And you just love them.

• 10:13Conan O'Brien?

  It's that magical pair. It's that magical pair.

• 10:15Speaker 06

  I know it's hard for you because you have long legs. Like me, like me. And so I found these jeans. They were snug at the hips, um, tight in the butt and loose in the crotch. Most of the time. Uh, that's where the loose in the crotch comes from.

• 10:27Conan O'Brien?

  Most of the time. You mean if you became aroused, they weren't loose?

• 10:29Speaker 06

  Well, no, I didn't say that. I said if you've put them in the hot dryer, you know, I don't know where your mind's going. But like, can I finish? May I finish?

• 10:39Conan O'Brien?

  I know exactly where my mind went, but yeah, go ahead.

• 10:42Speaker 06

  So, uh, he loved those jeans. Whenever I sat down, he would jump up on those jeans. He wouldn't get off. And so when he died, I thought it might be nice to wrap him up in those jeans and bury him. Make me feel good at least, you know? Um, but that cat, you never met Pierre?

• 10:56Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think so, no.

• 10:57Speaker 06

  He was the best. 10 years ago, I still miss him. But not as much as those jeans.

• 11:03Conan O'Brien?

  So you miss the jeans more than Pierre?

• 11:05Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 11:06Conan O'Brien?

  Do you, and you regret wrapping Pierre in those jeans?

• 11:09Speaker 06

  Oh, big time. I regret it big time. If I could do it again, I would not do it again.

• 11:13Conan O'Brien?

  Quick question. Where is he buried?

• 11:16Speaker 06

  Oh, he's buried in Arlington.

• 11:18Conan O'Brien?

  Wow.

• 11:19Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 11:21Conan O'Brien?

  Buried with full military honors.

• 11:22Speaker 06

  Of course.

• 11:24Conan O'Brien?

  I'm guessing the cat must have served.

• 11:26Speaker 06

  Um.

• 11:27Conan O'Brien?

  In what theater? Afghanistan?

• 11:30Speaker 06

  No, Cineplex. But, no, he, he, he's done everything, this cat. Uh, in fact, that's how he died.

• 11:37Conan O'Brien?

  What do you mean?

• 11:37Speaker 06

  He was on a special mission.

• 11:38Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I see. That's, yeah. So, died in the line of duty, uh, buried with full military honors, wrapped in your jeans at Arlington.

• 11:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:48Conan O'Brien?

  Incredible, this is an incredible story.

• 11:50Speaker 06

  And you know, my wife was telling me a couple of years ago that I was, uh, jeans were looking a little tight on me. I said, "They weren't the same jeans for 30 years." She goes, "Well, you believe what you want to believe, so, you know, to prove a point." So I dug up my cat Pierre, and I unraveled those jeans from him. Cat hair everywhere, and I tried those jeans on, and guess what?

• 12:07Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 12:07Speaker 06

  A little tight.

• 12:10Conan O'Brien?

  That's the big, that's the big O Henry ending. A little tight, just a little tight. De Niro, "A little bit."

• 12:16Speaker 06

  That cat though lost so much weight, Conan. Good for him, about a healthy amount of weight.

• 12:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that happens when you.

• 12:22Speaker 06

  Not an unhealthy.

• 12:23Conan O'Brien?

  Decay, of course. Um.

• 12:25Speaker 06

  So yeah, it's called Loose in the Crotch.

• 12:27Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 12:27Speaker 06

  And it's gonna be on YouTube, January 27th, it's premiering on, uh, the 800 Pound Gorilla platform.

• 12:33Conan O'Brien?

  Very good.

• 12:34Speaker 06

  You're not writing that down?

• 12:35Conan O'Brien?

  I don't have to, it's all right here.

• 12:37Speaker 06

  You got Sona to remember for you?

• 12:38Conan O'Brien?

  YouTube, the 800 Pound Gorilla platform, I listen to everything you say.

• 12:42Speaker 06

  What's the date?

• 12:43Conan O'Brien?

  You said, March 11th.

• 12:45Speaker 06

  Oh. January 27th, what was the name of my cat?

• 12:48Conan O'Brien?

  Say it slowly, January, you just said, January 27th. January 27th, if you're gonna make sure that you get the plug in, make sure you do it correctly. The cat's name is Pierre, buried full military honors.

• 12:59Speaker 06

  I think we're done.

• 13:00Conan O'Brien?

  No, we're not done, we're gonna keep going. I did not despair.

• 13:03Speaker 06

  Um, yes, January 27th.

• 13:06Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 13:07Speaker 06

  Um, and it, um, it's gonna be on YouTube, on the 800 Pound Gorilla platform.

• 13:12Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, yeah, you're just repeating yourself now.

• 13:14Speaker 06

  Now, let me, what was the name of my cat?

• 13:15Conan O'Brien?

  Pierre.

• 13:16Speaker 06

  And?

• 13:17Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, buried in Arlington.

• 13:18Speaker 06

  And he was a nice cat.

• 13:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, listen, Kevin, still Kevin.

• 13:21Speaker 06

  I just wanna have a conversation with you for once in your life.

• 13:24Conan O'Brien?

  You don't want a conversation with me. You and I, even when we, even when we get together, just the two of us, there's no microphones, there's no Sona laughing, there's no Gourley looking worried.

• 13:37Conan O'Brien?

  Whenever we get together, just the two of us, it's the same bullshit. You and I don't want to have a real conversation. I know I don't, it would terrify me, and I don't think you do either.

• 13:45Speaker 06

  Here's, here's something that I do. I don't know if you do this as well, but you said, "Just the two of us." I automatically, automatically think of the song.

• 13:53Conan O'Brien?

  "Just the two of us."

• 13:55Speaker 06

  "No matter what you say."

• 13:56Conan O'Brien?

  "We can make it if we try, just the two of us."

• 13:59Speaker 06

  I didn't know you couldn't sing.

• 14:03Speaker 06

  Come on, man. Let's just do this.

• 14:07Speaker 06

  What are you writing down over here?

• 14:08Conan O'Brien?

  Nothing.

• 14:09Speaker 06

  You have a diary?

• 14:09Conan O'Brien?

  I just wrote something off, which was my career.

• 14:11Speaker 06

  Are you keeping a journal as we're talking?

• 14:13Conan O'Brien?

  You took me out of the game. You took me out of the game. That was brutal. That was a brutal takedown.

• 14:19Speaker 06

  But the stand-up is going great.

• 14:21Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 14:21Speaker 06

  And a lot of-

• 14:22Conan O'Brien?

  Let me ask you a question. I saw some press recently. Um, you shut off your big mouth about going to the SNL 50th and you said, "I cock-blocked Conan O'Brien with Paul McCartney and it got a lot of ink." I mean, I saw this everywhere. And by everywhere, I saw it on one site and I'm still looking. But it was everywhere.

• 14:42Speaker 06

  Have I been on the show since then?

• 14:43Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 14:44Speaker 06

  Okay, can we talk about that?

• 14:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Do you feel badly about it?

• 14:47Speaker 06

  Horrible.

• 14:48Conan O'Brien?

  But you did it on purpose. I'm at the Plaza Hotel and there's McCartney. We've encountered each other many times over the years. We start having a nice chat, a really nice chat. And then you come sailing in, uh, and block me with Paul McCartney. You know, I'm a huge Beatles fan. Why'd you do that?

• 15:06Speaker 06

  Well, let's back up a little bit.

• 15:08Conan O'Brien?

  How far are we going?

• 15:09Speaker 06

  The 60s.

• 15:12Conan O'Brien?

  1960s, okay.

• 15:13Speaker 06

  I experienced that same thing, that's why I felt horribly about it. I was talking to people and they, you know, another day, another, uh, the night before, and people just coming and interrupting me like I was nothing and just taking over the conversation. I'm just standing there. So when I did that to you, it was kind of like a revenge thing.

• 15:30Conan O'Brien?

  A revenge, but revenge, but not against me. Because I hadn't done that to you.

• 15:34Speaker 06

  Yeah, but somebody's got to take it, you know what I mean?

• 15:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:37Speaker 06

  So anyway.

• 15:38Conan O'Brien?

  Did you have something good to talk to McCartney about?

• 15:40Speaker 06

  Nothing, nothing. But I used to, we used to be kind of friendly when I was on the show and he was there. Because we're both kind of animal activists and, and we talked a lot about that and Linda McCartney sat at my table.

• 15:51Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 15:51Speaker 06

  When, at that other reunion. And so, you know, we had a lot of discussions and stuff. So I saw him, I go, oh, he's gonna be happy to see me. So I kind of come into the conversation with you guys and you step back like you should have.

• 16:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I'm, I'm nice that way. I created a space for you, which I now regret.

• 16:09Speaker 06

  I regret it too because it made it look like you got pushed out instead of staying.

• 16:13Conan O'Brien?

  Also, I always had a great point in the conversation. McCartney said to me, I'm thinking of putting another band together. Would you like to be part of it? And all I had to do was say yes, and I was gonna be part of his next band. He said, I think it'll be his, the biggest one I've ever had. And I said.

• 16:29Speaker 06

  Is it his ghost?

• 16:30Conan O'Brien?

  It's the ghost of McCartney. Yeah, it's the ghost of McCartney. And he said, you know, I'm gonna, you know, be three other ghosts that visit you tonight, the other Beatles. And you better become a better person in the morning and realize the true meaning of Christmas. But anyway.

• 16:45Speaker 06

  So let me continue.

• 16:46Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna do more on my bit.

• 16:48Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 16:48Conan O'Brien?

  It's McCartney as one of the ghosts and the other ghosts are of course Lennon and Ringo Starr. And then the twist is it's not Harrison.

• 16:54Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 16:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's Harry Belafonte. Okay, go ahead.

• 16:58Speaker 06

  So you step back, all of a sudden it's me and Paul now. I go, hey, Paul, how you doing? Oh, yeah, good. The ghosts have come back.

• 17:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 17:07Speaker 06

  And, and I really had nothing to say to him.

• 17:10Conan O'Brien?

  You had nothing. It was amazing to me.

• 17:11Speaker 06

  I know that he's standing there getting so much small talk all night long. I'm surprised he's out on the floor. But people are coming up to him and I'm standing next to him and I, I'm sensing that he doesn't remember who I was.

• 17:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 17:23Speaker 06

  You know, and.

• 17:24Conan O'Brien?

  He made a face at me like, what do I do? That's what he did. And he said, get security.

• 17:29Speaker 06

  Wait till you hear what he did.

• 17:30Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 17:31Speaker 06

  So I, I say to him, that was a good choice of a song to do, uh, Go the Slumbers. I think, well, you know, Lon wanted me to do it. Yeah. Okay, okay. But you guys had other songs you could fall back on, right? And nothing, nothing. Kind of like now, crickets.

• 17:46Speaker 06

  Maybe it's my fault.

• 17:47Conan O'Brien?

  If only he had one other hit, they could have pulled back on him.

• 17:51Speaker 06

  So anyway, shortly thereafter, and by the way, the whole time I'm looking at his mouth thinking, that's the lips where Hey Jude, all those songs came out of, you know, and I'm kind of looking at it. And then I see the tongue once in a while, go, that's the tongue. That's the tongue that pushed the music out.

• 18:07Conan O'Brien?

  This was such a, this was a.

• 18:09Speaker 06

  I didn't say that to him.

• 18:10Conan O'Brien?

  It was so creepy. Yeah.

• 18:12Speaker 06

  No, but I know.

• 18:13Conan O'Brien?

  I could see you just staring into his mouth. And he, guess what? He could see it too. You were looking into his mouth as he was talking.

• 18:21Speaker 06

  No, I look at the lips, the way they formed, the words, I said, that was a word he used in Hey Jude. But, you know, and, and then finally he goes to me, he said, oh, there's my, there's my niece, a nephew. He goes, let me introduce you to my nephew. So he brings me over to like four tall guys, you know, like executives, they look like.

• 18:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:39Speaker 06

  And he parks me there. He stands for like three seconds, then he's gone.

• 18:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:44Speaker 06

  He just did the handoff for me and I knew when he left.

• 18:46Conan O'Brien?

  You know what that's called? That's called the kneeling. When you're talking to someone you don't want to talk to and you scrape them off your shoe. That's what we call it. Cause we all do it to you. Because you look at our mouths when we're talking and it's creepy. None of us can take it. I've scraped you off my shoe many a time. I've said, hey, look, there's my niece and my nephew. And then I walk over and it's a fire hydrant and a letterbox. And I just leave you there.

• 19:12Speaker 06

  Hey, come on, let's get off of this whole thing. Let's talk serious for a minute. Okay?

• 19:15Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. It's seriously, but anyway, go ahead.

• 19:17Speaker 06

  No, it's not. It's however you say it. Have you read texts, Texas lately?

• 19:21Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 19:22Speaker 06

  Texts. Have you read texts lately? Nobody uses pronunciation or punctuation.

• 19:28Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 19:28Speaker 06

  Do you know what I mean? You know how they finish it?

• 19:30Conan O'Brien?

  A smiley face emoji just came out of your mouth.

• 19:35Speaker 06

  All right. So, um.

• 19:36Conan O'Brien?

  What? What happened?

• 19:37Speaker 06

  So that's what happened with Paul McCartney.

• 19:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. No, we.

• 19:39Speaker 06

  You're still reeling from that?

• 19:40Conan O'Brien?

  We understood that you moved on from that. You didn't need to then say, oh, and by the way, that was the end of that story. That's the sign that something's not working out for you.

• 19:49Speaker 06

  Why are you so angry?

• 19:52Conan O'Brien?

  You know, I'm gonna say something. Bill Burr said this to you recently.

• 19:54Speaker 06

  I love Bill Burr.

• 19:55Conan O'Brien?

  Who doesn't?

• 19:56Speaker 06

  He's a comic.

• 19:57Conan O'Brien?

  He's a hilarious comic. He's a wonderful fellow.

• 19:59Speaker 06

  Angry.

• 20:00Conan O'Brien?

  Guess what he revealed about you? He said, "Everyone thinks you're a nice guy."

• 20:03Speaker 06

  Really?

• 20:03Conan O'Brien?

  "But you're really pretty toxic." And you are.

• 20:06Speaker 06

  Bill Burr said that?

• 20:07Conan O'Brien?

  Bill Burr said it about him.

• 20:08Speaker 06

  That's really saying something.

• 20:10Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? You come across as this beautiful, you know, delicious, red delicious apple, but there's little razor blades in there with Kevin Nealon. Jibs and jabs. You see it too, right? He knows how to dice and slice with the best of them.

• 20:21Speaker 06

  No, I don't see it.

• 20:22Conan O'Brien?

  There's some anger coming out of you. I know there is.

• 20:26Speaker 06

  I love how you end it with a sip of coffee.

• 20:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:28Speaker 06

  If that's what that is.

• 20:29Conan O'Brien?

  It's coffee.

• 20:30Speaker 06

  Yeah. No, I appreciate, I appreciate you, first of all, let's go back. Recognize that I am a good comic.

• 20:35Conan O'Brien?

  You're a great comic.

• 20:36Speaker 06

  Uh-huh.

• 20:36Conan O'Brien?

  You're one of the greatest comics.

• 20:37Speaker 06

  What's the name of my special, by the way?

• 20:38Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, your con, it's called Loose in the Crotch.

• 20:41Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:41Conan O'Brien?

  Your cat's name was Pierre.

• 20:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:43Conan O'Brien?

  And it's gonna be on YouTube. And it's coming out in January.

• 20:48Speaker 06

  What?

• 20:48Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that's where it gets interesting.

• 20:50Speaker 06

  That's not interesting. It's sad. It gets sad because you can't remember.

• 20:53Conan O'Brien?

  It's the 27th.

• 20:54Speaker 06

  Oh, sorry about that. Yeah, so it helped you.

• 20:56Conan O'Brien?

  No, I remember because two plus seven is nine.

• 21:00Speaker 06

  What platform will it be on?

• 21:01Conan O'Brien?

  What's that?

• 21:02Speaker 06

  What platform?

• 21:02Conan O'Brien?

  YouTube. I told you it was gonna be on YouTube, on the 800 Pound Gorilla. Yes! Yes! I do listen to you.

• 21:10Speaker 06

  How long is this special?

• 21:11Conan O'Brien?

  Well, according to some critics, too long. I'd say there was an extra 20 minutes you didn't need. There was a whole part where you were just talking about airline food. No one needed that. I, I've always revered you. You know that. Don't start doing a bit with the water glass.

• 21:26Speaker 06

  I'm listening to you.

• 21:26Conan O'Brien?

  No, you're not. You're doing, you're more worried about your bit with the water glass than you're about talking to me.

• 21:31Speaker 06

  Why is everything a bit for you? Why are you so defensive like that?

• 21:34Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a pretty serious guy, when you think about it.

• 21:43Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right? Yeah, I love awards. Every now and then, in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen. You know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence. Nice. Hyundai. has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 22:09Speaker 04

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 22:14Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love.

• 22:17Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 22:18Conan O'Brien?

  Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid is fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 22:33Speaker 04

  Hello!

• 22:34Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 23:08Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that 1 in 4 Americans targeted by scams end up falling for them?

• 23:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:12Conan O'Brien?

  You fell for it.

• 23:13Speaker 04

  I fell for a scam?

• 23:14Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you didn't lose too much money, but you did lose.

• 23:17Speaker 04

  I did lose, and it was very inconvenient, and now they put protections on my account like I'm, uh, dumb.

• 23:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I don't know where they got that impression.

• 23:27Conan O'Brien?

  Criminals are now using AI to make scams look more realistic than ever. In 2025, AI fraud spiked 1,210% and cost Americans $893 million. That's incredible. Well, with AI, it can get so smart now.

• 23:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:43Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 23:44Speaker 04

  Maybe I should start scamming.

• 23:45Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's not the point.

• 23:47Speaker 04

  That's not the point of this.

• 23:48Conan O'Brien?

  That's not the point. One accidental click, Sona can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft. Luckily, this is the point. Not that you should start scamming, but that everyone should get LifeLock.

• 23:58Speaker 04

  Right, right, right, right.

• 23:59Conan O'Brien?

  LifeLock has live, US-based restoration specialists, who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft, from first alert to full restoration. This is fantastic. How do you not have this?

• 24:11Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:11Conan O'Brien?

  If you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million-dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans. Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 24:30Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good. It's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes. Me too. You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass." But every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero. Yeah. Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 25:10Conan O'Brien?

  You are multi-talented. You really are. You're a hilarious comic. And then you do this thing, you come out of the blue. A couple of years ago, you, not that long ago, and I guess you were developing this in private, you come out with these caricatures. And they're fantastic. And you did a book of caricatures, and they're really amazing. And whenever you call me, the image that comes up is your caricature of yourself. You're very talented at this. And I just wanted to doff my cap to you and wonder why still no second book. The first book was great, and I keep waiting for you to do a caricature of me, one of your heroes.

• 25:50Speaker 06

  First of all, I've never had anyone doffed their hat to me. And I appreciate that.

• 25:54Conan O'Brien?

  You don't get out much, then? And you also don't travel in-

• 25:56Speaker 06

  I don't hang out with people where I have-

• 25:57Conan O'Brien?

  19th century London. No, but sorry, you're very talented.

• 26:02Speaker 06

  I love doing the caricatures. I've been doing them for, you know, more seriously in the last couple of years. But I used, you know, I sketched you a lot when we were doing-

• 26:09Conan O'Brien?

  You did.

• 26:10Speaker 06

  You know, writing Hans and Franz and SNL.

• 26:13Conan O'Brien?

  And you were always in the corner drawing. You once drew my shoe. I used to take- I would take, I would wear old man's shoes when I was a writer. Wingtip shoes that I got at secondhand stores, you know, flea markets. I would, if I found a shoe that was my size, I would buy it. This was one of my weird things I did. And I'd wear jeans and a T-shirt and then these old, like 1950s and 60s shoes. You can relate to this, Gourley.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Well, I think you'd like me to, but no, you've gone-

• 26:38Speaker 06

  Even too far for me.

• 26:40Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, people died in these shoes. And it's like your cat. These, I mean, and so I would wear these shoes. And then sometimes when we were writing, you all do things when you're bored. You're trying to come up with an idea. I would take off one of my shoes and I would put it on the table and just look at it while I was thinking.

• 26:56Speaker 06

  You rearrange it a little bit, shift it around.

• 26:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and I would look at this old man's shoe that I wore. And you once sketched me looking at my shoe.

• 27:06Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. That, by the way, is that MoMA now?

• 27:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 27:10Speaker 06

  That particular one, is that?

• 27:11Conan O'Brien?

  Is that MoMA? Yeah.

• 27:14Speaker 06

  So, yeah, so I've been doing a lot of the, but.

• 27:16Conan O'Brien?

  You invested nothing in that lie. You, you, you quickly realize this company's not gonna work. I'm out.

• 27:22Speaker 06

  I'm a pro. I hit and run.

• 27:24Conan O'Brien?

  Hit and run.

• 27:24Speaker 06

  You know, let's not lose any time. But people are always asking me, can I buy one of your paintings? And I never was really selling them. I just had the book.

• 27:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 27:34Speaker 06

  And so now I opened up a store on Shopify, kevinnealanart.com.

• 27:38Conan O'Brien?

  Is that true? This is your second plug? How many more plugs does he get?

• 27:41Speaker 06

  I have one more after this.

• 27:42Conan O'Brien?

  He gets two more plugs, says Adam.

• 27:43Speaker 06

  Oh, two more, okay.

• 27:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 27:44Speaker 06

  So, um, so, yeah, people can go there and, um, and buy my paintings if they like. And it's quite easy. And in fact, I do have one of you that I did.

• 27:53Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, you did one of me? No, you didn't. Did you really?

• 27:56Speaker 06

  I think you suspected it, but, um.

• 27:58Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I bitched at you for a while because you've never done a proper one of me. And I was a little hurt because you were doing all these. He was. He was doing all these other people you don't even know.

• 28:06Speaker 06

  I'll tell you why. Cause I've been to your offices before and you have so much fan art.

• 28:12Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:12Speaker 06

  So many different caricatures of you and drawings. Um, there's no more orange paint out there. I can't find any more orange paint.

• 28:18Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, all right. That's a good, that's a good one.

• 28:21Speaker 06

  Anyway, this is it. And it's, uh, it's my attempt. It's my first attempt.

• 28:26Conan O'Brien?

  You seem unsure. Oh, my God.

• 28:29Speaker 04

  Hey!

• 28:30Speaker 06

  Whoa! Fucking incredible.

• 28:32Speaker 04

  That is amazing! That is so good!

• 28:34Conan O'Brien?

  Jesus, is that oil? That is amazing! That's beautiful.

• 28:38Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, I love that.

• 28:40Speaker 06

  Um, you know how long I had to look at a reference picture of you?

• 28:44Conan O'Brien?

  You can't remember?

• 28:45Speaker 06

  I know every, I got the vein in the wrong area now that I'm looking, but, uh.

• 28:51Conan O'Brien?

  There's that incipient eye vein.

• 28:53Speaker 06

  That's incredible.

• 28:54Conan O'Brien?

  That is really a beautiful.

• 28:56Speaker 04

  Really, really cool.

• 28:56Speaker 02

  We should mention that you can go to at Team Coco Podcasts on Instagram to see this painting.

• 29:00Speaker 06

  But, you know, your hands really would explain that face because they were like this.

• 29:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 29:05Speaker 06

  You know how you kind of.

• 29:06Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you know what I'm trying to do? This is me, I believe, last year at the Oscars and.

• 29:10Speaker 06

  This is at the Oscars.

• 29:11Conan O'Brien?

  And this is me, I make, I put my hands out sometimes when the crowd's so enjoying my material, I'm afraid they might surge forward.

• 29:18Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 29:18Conan O'Brien?

  And I need to keep them back. Do you know what I'm saying?

• 29:21Speaker 06

  Kevin Nealonart.com.

• 29:23Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 29:23Speaker 06

  You know what I'm saying?

• 29:24Conan O'Brien?

  This is, that's incredible.

• 29:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:26Conan O'Brien?

  Now, tell us, what, what, uh, what are you using here? Are you using acrylics? Are you using oils? What are you using?

• 29:32Speaker 06

  Conan. It's all cran.

• 29:33Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, all right.

• 29:34Speaker 06

  All right. I'll tell you what I'm using, since you asked me. It's called multimedia unique, I believe it's called. So there's different, um, different mediums.

• 29:42Conan O'Brien?

  Color pencil?

• 29:43Speaker 06

  I sketch and then I do digital and then I do paint.

• 29:47Conan O'Brien?

  It's really gorgeous.

• 29:48Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 29:48Conan O'Brien?

  Are you giving this to me or is this something I have to buy?

• 29:50Speaker 06

  I get this on the store.

• 29:53Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, you put this up on the store, this would be huge.

• 29:56Speaker 06

  It's gonna be huge, believe me. And by the way, I was gonna put something on the back. It's gonna say, "This belongs to Conan. Do not accept as a regift."

• 30:07Speaker 06

  Because I know, I know you got a lot of this stuff going on.

• 30:10Conan O'Brien?

  No, I, I just, I, I love that. I think you're, I mean, you're a phenomenal talent across the board. You really are.

• 30:16Speaker 06

  I am. But you know what?

• 30:17Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 30:17Speaker 06

  I don't like to doff my hat to it.

• 30:20Conan O'Brien?

  It's, it's more cap. You doff your cap. You tip your hat.

• 30:23Speaker 06

  Cap is more of a baseball thing.

• 30:25Conan O'Brien?

  No, just no.

• 30:26Speaker 06

  So, um.

• 30:28Conan O'Brien?

  You okay?

• 30:29Speaker 06

  Uh, you want to talk some more about my accomplishments?

• 30:31Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I. Part of the things about the podcast is I do.

• 30:36Speaker 06

  Do you know that I used to sketch pictures of Farley?

• 30:39Conan O'Brien?

  Chris Farley.

• 30:39Speaker 06

  Sitting across, uh, not that Farley. No, Kevin Farley.

• 30:44Conan O'Brien?

  Farley, you're such a huge, you know what you are?

• 30:46Speaker 06

  The audience is Chris Farley.

• 30:47Conan O'Brien?

  You're a black hole. It just wastes.

• 30:48Speaker 06

  It's Chris Farley.

• 30:49Conan O'Brien?

  You, you know what? Light can't escape you and neither can a decent conversation. It all gets sucked into that black maw.

• 30:57Speaker 06

  Here's the problem. We are both magnets, but with opposite.

• 31:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 31:02Speaker 06

  Polar attraction.

• 31:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 31:04Speaker 06

  And neither one of us wants to be serious with each other because we know what?

• 31:15Conan O'Brien?

  I just, I, I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do. You know?

• 31:23Speaker 06

  We know that, uh...

• 31:26Conan O'Brien?

  Ew!

• 31:27Speaker 04

  Oh my god!

• 31:28Conan O'Brien?

  That was a real sneeze! That was a real sneeze!

• 31:33Conan O'Brien?

  I'm allergic-

• 31:33Speaker 06

  What if it came out of there? What if there was snot coming out of there?

• 31:35Speaker 04

  Ohhh!

• 31:36Conan O'Brien?

  No, I swear to god, I think I'm allergic to this, whatever we have. I've never sneezed like that on the podcast, and it just came up right there when you couldn't even have complete a sentence with me.

• 31:47Speaker 06

  No, no, you couldn't complete the sentence. I gave it to you, and you couldn't complete it. I said we're two polar opposites, uh, and that's because, and then you sneezed.

• 31:57Conan O'Brien?

  I think we both have similar talents. Uh, we occupy, uh, the same band in the whole array. If you think of a rainbow, there are many different colors, many different frequencies of light.

• 32:09Speaker 06

  Oh shit.

• 32:15Conan O'Brien?

  It's your fault. I'm gonna put this down, because I think it's distracting us. And thank you very much for this.

• 32:19Speaker 06

  You don't like it?

• 32:20Conan O'Brien?

  I love it. There's a shredder down there.

• 32:22Speaker 06

  Um, let's talk about sneezing for a minute. I can make a sneeze really loud.

• 32:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 32:27Speaker 06

  I mean, it's, I scare my family sometimes, because I don't have to make it loud, but I can make it, you know, come, the, not the breathing in, but the coming out.

• 32:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, it's a shriek.

• 32:37Speaker 06

  It's like a, yeah.

• 32:38Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you know, my wife, the whole house, um, freaks out when I sneeze. Because it's a shriek, it's a loud shriek. Does Tac do this? It's a thing that men do as-

• 32:49Speaker 04

  I do it. I'm a loud sneezer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:51Conan O'Brien?

  You're a loud sneezer.

• 32:52Speaker 04

  I like getting it out.

• 32:52Conan O'Brien?

  No, me too. I wanna get it out. I think that's safer, and if you muffle it, I always think I'll get an aneurysm. So I go the other way, and I shriek as if I'm being stabbed to death when I, when I sneeze. You do the same?

• 33:05Speaker 06

  Uh, mine is more like a "poo!" You know, it's really loud, though. And I'm telling you, it scares my family.

• 33:12Conan O'Brien?

  Are you sure you're sneezing? I don't think you're sneezing.

• 33:14Speaker 06

  No, no, it's a sneeze.

• 33:15Conan O'Brien?

  No, no. I think you own a laser.

• 33:17Speaker 06

  I swear, it's like this. I swear to God.

• 33:23Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think you're sneezing.

• 33:24Speaker 06

  No, no.

• 33:24Conan O'Brien?

  That's not a sneeze.

• 33:25Speaker 06

  We were walking down the sidewalk in Chicago.

• 33:27Conan O'Brien?

  Who's we?

• 33:27Speaker 06

  Uh, Pierre.

• 33:29Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 33:30Speaker 06

  Uh, my wife.

• 33:32Conan O'Brien?

  Idiot.

• 33:32Speaker 06

  No, my son and my wife.

• 33:33Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 33:34Speaker 06

  Susan and Gable. And I sneezed and there was a family of four with a stroller in front of us, like maybe five yards in front of us. And I sneezed so loud, everybody jumped. The family turned around. What the, what? And I was kind of embarrassed, so I was looking around like, who did that?

• 33:52Conan O'Brien?

  You couldn't admit it was you.

• 33:54Speaker 06

  No.

• 33:54Conan O'Brien?

  You just brought up your wife and your son. I'm huge fans of theirs. Your wife's so.

• 33:59Speaker 06

  Likewise.

• 34:00Conan O'Brien?

  Was beautiful. Talking about your wife now. Gorgeous. You know, my wife, very beautiful as well, but.

• 34:06Speaker 06

  But what?

• 34:06Conan O'Brien?

  Well, what happens is familiarity breeds contempt. We look at each other every day and, uh, no, we're both very lucky men. But my God, your son, I'm gonna say his name, Gable.

• 34:17Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:17Conan O'Brien?

  What a handsome, polite young man.

• 34:20Speaker 06

  He is actually.

• 34:20Conan O'Brien?

  He is so polite in an old world kind of way. That's a guy who would doff his cap to me if he could afford a cap. You're not a big earner. My point is, he is, uh, he's just an incredible fellow.

• 34:32Speaker 06

  Thank you, and he loves you too.

• 34:34Conan O'Brien?

  Of course he does.

• 34:34Speaker 06

  He does impressions of you, in fact.

• 34:36Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 34:36Speaker 06

  He does impressions.

• 34:37Conan O'Brien?

  Well, now I don't like him so much. What, are they cruel impressions?

• 34:39Speaker 06

  No, they're right on. He, he finds the little nuances of people. He's a really good mimic. He will come over to you and, and he's doing you to me. He'll come over and grab my shoulders and go, oh, you know, I gotta, what I do something like, you know, whatever you say.

• 34:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:54Speaker 06

  But then he get in there, get in there, you know.

• 34:56Conan O'Brien?

  I'm, I, I like to grab a man by the shoulder and Sona. Um, I like to, I like to grab a shoulder. I like to get hands on people.

• 35:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 35:04Conan O'Brien?

  This has caused me problems in the past, subways. Uh, but I like to, um, when I see a fellow like you, I like to just grab you and take stock of you, see how you're doing, shake you a little bit.

• 35:14Speaker 06

  You always say something like, what am I gonna do with you?

• 35:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. Well, that's just my inner voice. There's an inner voice, inner part of me.

• 35:21Speaker 06

  It's a lot of like pent up.

• 35:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Anger, rage.

• 35:25Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 35:25Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna kill you.

• 35:26Speaker 06

  That is true. So, um, my wife and I spent, you brought her up.

• 35:30Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:30Speaker 06

  We are executive producers. I said, I think you know, on a, um, Sundance winner called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's a documentary.

• 35:37Conan O'Brien?

  This is very.

• 35:38Speaker 06

  Did you see it?

• 35:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 35:38Speaker 06

  It's on Apple TV right now.

• 35:39Conan O'Brien?

  And you know what? This is incredible. That's your, I think you're up to three plugs now. You get one more plug.

• 35:45Speaker 06

  I'm gonna go, I'm gonna recap on some of these too.

• 35:47Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Did you get, when you work with your wife, can you get along or do you disagree a lot?

• 35:51Speaker 06

  Oh, no, we get along great. Yeah, she's a good partner.

• 35:54Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 35:54Speaker 06

  But the executive producing, um, it's, it's, we're two of the people, then there's, there's several others. So it's, uh, it's quite, and it's a great, uh, it's a great documentary and I think you'd be hearing a lot about it.

• 36:06Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Well, you're hearing about it right now.

• 36:07Speaker 06

  Especially you.

• 36:08Conan O'Brien?

  Cause it's another plug.

• 36:09Speaker 06

  Hey, when is this coming out, by the way?

• 36:11Conan O'Brien?

  I, when is this coming out? This will be out February 9th.

• 36:15Speaker 04

  No.

• 36:16Conan O'Brien?

  Did you think this was going right out?

• 36:17Speaker 06

  I thought it was live. No, I thought February 9th, 2026.

• 36:23Conan O'Brien?

  27.

• 36:24Speaker 06

  Right now, okay. I could deal with that.

• 36:26Conan O'Brien?

  Um.

• 36:27Speaker 06

  What does it cost to do this podcast?

• 36:29Conan O'Brien?

  There's a lot of overhead.

• 36:30Speaker 06

  I know you don't pay attention to that stuff.

• 36:31Conan O'Brien?

  There's a lot of overhead.

• 36:32Speaker 06

  I love this building.

• 36:34Conan O'Brien?

  A great building.

• 36:34Speaker 06

  Do you own it?

• 36:36Conan O'Brien?

  Let's just say yes.

• 36:37Speaker 06

  Look at me.

• 36:37Conan O'Brien?

  I do. I own this building.

• 36:39Speaker 06

  Do you really?

• 36:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but I, um, I own a lot of real estate in Los Angeles. I'm the largest landowner in Los Angeles. I own.

• 36:50Speaker 06

  What about buildings?

• 36:51Conan O'Brien?

  I, no, I just don't, I don't own the buildings and this has been a problem. I did the wrong thing.

• 36:56Speaker 06

  It's hard to get to your land when there's a building on it.

• 36:58Conan O'Brien?

  I bought small pieces of land in and around, uh, buildings that I don't own. And I'm talking very small.

• 37:05Speaker 06

  What's your favorite, uh, piece of land that you own?

• 37:09Conan O'Brien?

  Catalina.

• 37:09Speaker 06

  Come on, can we please just have something going on?

• 37:12Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? I, I'm gonna just ask listeners, get a transcript of this and I think they're readily available.

• 37:17Speaker 06

  What's the name of the documentary I was talking about?

• 37:19Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, we're not gonna do that right now.

• 37:20Speaker 06

  Come See Me in the Good Light.

• 37:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 37:21Speaker 06

  And it's on Apple TV right now.

• 37:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 37:24Speaker 06

  And, um, it's a love story, Conan, if you're interested.

• 37:27Conan O'Brien?

  No, really? Then I guess you and I aren't in it. Uh.

• 37:31Conan O'Brien?

  I.

• 37:33Speaker 06

  I'm gonna give you that one. I'll give you that one.

• 37:35Conan O'Brien?

  What do you mean you'll give me that one? I don't need you to give me anything. My quips are as good as anyone. My quabs, they're right up there with the best. What happened there? What was that? We're not gonna air this. Do you wanna not air this one?

• 37:50Speaker 06

  Are you seriously thinking about it?

• 37:51Conan O'Brien?

  I'm thinking about it.

• 37:52Speaker 06

  So it's a good, it's a real good documentary.

• 37:54Conan O'Brien?

  Don't stop doing that. You keep retreating. You're gonna be back at McCartney soon.

• 37:59Speaker 06

  Where you got some nephews over there? Some nieces?

• 38:03Speaker 06

  I have plugged everything now.

• 38:04Conan O'Brien?

  Do you root for me? Be honest, I... Do you root for me? I think you're...

• 38:08Speaker 06

  Tell me what you think.

• 38:09Conan O'Brien?

  I think you don't. I think you want me to be destroyed. And then you get to come along, give me a hand up. That's what you wanna do. Hey buddy, just walk it off. You put your hand out. I take it, but then you pull it away. And you do that thing where you brush the side of your head.

• 38:23Conan O'Brien?

  What do you think, Gourley? You seem stunned.

• 38:24Speaker 02

  I'm just stunned by the fact that you would ask someone if they root for you.

• 38:33Speaker 02

  It's purely pathetic.

• 38:34Conan O'Brien?

  Do you root for me?

• 38:37Conan O'Brien?

  Pardon me, sir, will you root for me? I could really use someone to root for me. I want everyone rooting for me. And that's why I go up to people and say, "Do you root for me? Do you root for me?" Sometimes I'm talking to someone with a terminal illness. And I'll say, "Do you root for me? Do you root for me?" And they're like, "I have maybe minutes left in this consciousness on this earth? And you're asking me if I root for you? Do you? Do you? Do you root for me?"

• 39:05Speaker 06

  That's what you do right there. You take the bit and you run with it. I like it. That's what it is. I know you're stuff. I told you that before.

• 39:13Conan O'Brien?

  I take a bit and I run with it. That's what most people do.

• 39:15Speaker 06

  I was not rooting for you, but I'm happy for you.

• 39:17Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you. I don't think you are. You once, on this very podcast...

• 39:21Speaker 06

  No, my family loved you.

• 39:22Conan O'Brien?

  You cried. You cried saying how surprised you were that I had gotten anywhere in show business.

• 39:28Speaker 06

  Yeah, because I was sad for you. I was sad.

• 39:32Speaker 06

  I really was. Yeah, I think, I think you have trouble accepting that you're so successful.

• 39:37Conan O'Brien?

  Please, I'm not. I'm, you know, I'm working my way, keeping my head down. And doing the best I can. That's all I'm doing.

• 39:43Speaker 06

  I know, but when will you relax and know that you're near enough?

• 39:46Conan O'Brien?

  That's not gonna happen.

• 39:47Speaker 06

  And that's sad.

• 39:48Conan O'Brien?

  Not in your life.

• 39:48Speaker 06

  And that's why I stopped rooting for you.

• 39:50Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 39:50Speaker 06

  Because you're a lost cause. You're a lost cause, my friend.

• 39:54Conan O'Brien?

  And, um...

• 39:55Speaker 06

  You do sit-ups.

• 39:58Conan O'Brien?

  I do, actually. I do sit-ups, yeah.

• 40:01Speaker 06

  Are you, will you be chasing a six-pack forever? Cause I know I am.

• 40:04Conan O'Brien?

  I would like to have it once. I'd like to have a six-pack.

• 40:07Speaker 06

  I had it once, for like, five minutes.

• 40:09Conan O'Brien?

  I had a one, I have a one-pack, and then it turned out it was a, it was an inflated bubose. It was a postulating bubo.

• 40:17Speaker 06

  Inflamed liver.

• 40:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Um, do you, have you ever had the perfectly sculpted body?

• 40:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 40:22Conan O'Brien?

  Long before I met you?

• 40:23Speaker 06

  Oh god, I got pictures.

• 40:25Conan O'Brien?

  Do you ser, did you shoot, you were in, I mean, you were a physical specimen one day, weren't you?

• 40:29Speaker 06

  Can I show you a picture?

• 40:30Conan O'Brien?

  I know, you've done this, you ask a lot of people this. I ask people-

• 40:33Speaker 06

  I have another painting.

• 40:34Conan O'Brien?

  I ask people, "Do you root for me?", and you ask people, "Do you wanna see a picture?"

• 40:39Speaker 06

  You asked me-

• 40:39Conan O'Brien?

  And it's never gone well for either one of us.

• 40:41Speaker 06

  You asked me if I had a picture.

• 40:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, oh, okay, let's see your picture.

• 40:44Speaker 06

  It's in my phone, I got a lot of pictures.

• 40:46Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 40:46Speaker 06

  They're all of you, and then one of me.

• 40:49Conan O'Brien?

  Good one.

• 40:50Speaker 06

  Isn't it funny, like, when you have a cellphone, you know, before you-

• 40:52Conan O'Brien?

  You got me that time. You wanna see a picture? Yes, I do. I don't have one. Good one. You've seen, this is Kevin Nealon's act right now. Hey, everybody, wanna see something cool? Yes, we do. Not gonna happen. And that's our show.

• 41:04Speaker 06

  To prove you wrong.

• 41:05Conan O'Brien?

  What are you doing?

• 41:05Speaker 06

  I got an eight-by-ten on here, if you wanna see that.

• 41:07Conan O'Brien?

  I do.

• 41:08Speaker 06

  This is gonna just take too long, man. You just go on, go on, um, Abercrombie and Fitch, you'll see me on the wall over there.

• 41:15Speaker 06

  Is this too mu, it's too long. It'll take too long. I'll send it to you. What's your, give me your email.

• 41:20Conan O'Brien?

  Sure. Squabbly do-

• 41:22Speaker 06

  What's your fan-only, uh, site?

• 41:26Conan O'Brien?

  [email protected].

• 41:31Conan O'Brien?

  What's the plan, Kevin? You and I have both just-

• 41:34Speaker 06

  We've had a good run.

• 41:35Conan O'Brien?

  We've had a good run.

• 41:36Speaker 06

  We've had a great run.

• 41:36Conan O'Brien?

  And what do we do now? Uh, we're, you know, there's a lot of young comics out there, a lot of young people out there, uh, coming up with great stuff. Uh, is it time for us to fade away? What do you think the plan is now?

• 41:48Speaker 06

  Well, time now to fade away? No. No, this is when you-

• 41:52Conan O'Brien?

  We try even harder, right?

• 41:52Speaker 06

  You pull out the big guns now.

• 41:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, okay.

• 41:55Speaker 06

  Um, but you're right, there are a lot of young comics out there, and it's, uh-

• 41:59Conan O'Brien?

  You okay? What is wrong with you?

• 42:01Speaker 06

  It's hard to, you know, you know, you just do what you do. You know, I've been doing what I do for a long time. I've been doing what you do, but nothing happens.

• 42:12Speaker 06

  Do you understand?

• 42:13Conan O'Brien?

  Why do you keep covering up your mouth? Is that like, what are you doing?

• 42:16Speaker 06

  It's because I'm trying to save you embarrassment.

• 42:20Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 42:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 42:23Speaker 06

  No, I just, I like what I'm doing and you know, I've gotten to that point now.

• 42:26Conan O'Brien?

  Crazy sound he just made. Did you hear that?

• 42:27Speaker 06

  Yeah. The sneeze.

• 42:30Conan O'Brien?

  What's going on here, buddy?

• 42:30Speaker 06

  I see why you need a friend. I like what I do. I'm happy with it. I'm not chasing it anymore. I think I'm pretty good, you know? I'm not pulling punches with myself.

• 42:40Conan O'Brien?

  If you had a few drinks. You just went, I'm pretty good.

• 42:46Conan O'Brien?

  It just looks like you were like four drinks in. I'm pretty good. You're great. One of the greats.

• 42:50Speaker 06

  On the sidewalk, you can make fun of me.

• 42:51Conan O'Brien?

  You're one of the greats. You are one of the greats.

• 42:53Speaker 06

  How many are there?

• 42:54Conan O'Brien?

  You are the, hundreds.

• 42:56Speaker 06

  Thousands.

• 42:57Conan O'Brien?

  You are among hundreds of thousands of greats. No, you are a singular talent. You don't.

• 43:03Speaker 06

  What's that funny noise he just made?

• 43:05Conan O'Brien?

  Sorry. I'm trying to say something I don't believe and it's getting stuck in my throat.

• 43:09Speaker 06

  Like a motorcycle or anything?

• 43:10Conan O'Brien?

  I'm trying to say something that I don't have conviction about.

• 43:17Conan O'Brien?

  You don't do political comedy. You don't lean on the culture. You just get up there and you talk. You have fantastic, brilliant jokes. You're one of my favorite humorists of all time. You really are. You're great and you're very, I, I believe that. And I believe that you are a unique voice and you've never compromised. You know? I mean, occasionally in some advertisement or something, but in your work, in your standup, you've never compromised. And I think that's rare, very rare. And I have great respect for you.

• 43:47Speaker 06

  Appreciate that.

• 43:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 43:49Speaker 06

  Now, let me tell you a joke I just wrote.

• 43:50Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 43:52Speaker 06

  This is where I think I might be getting a little hacky.

• 43:53Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 43:54Speaker 06

  I was in Phoenix last week. I flown in, I got there. It was a long time to get there because of cancellation and stuff. And I'm going to my hotel room and I'm starving. I'm exhausted and I see the safe. I thought it was a microwave. I thought, oh, good, it's a microwave. So I put a frozen mac in there. I locked it up for six to eight minutes.

• 44:13Conan O'Brien?

  You just thought of that?

• 44:14Speaker 06

  No, I thought about it before and I've honed it down.

• 44:18Conan O'Brien?

  So you thought of it for, when did you think of it? How long ago? This is important.

• 44:21Speaker 06

  Like five days ago.

• 44:22Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 44:23Speaker 06

  I haven't stopped working on it. I finally fine tuned it.

• 44:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 44:26Speaker 06

  Let me say it again, because you weren't paying attention. So I was really exhausted.

• 44:31Conan O'Brien?

  You were tired.

• 44:31Speaker 06

  And I was hungry. And I come into the hotel room and I notice there's a safe off to my peripheral vision.

• 44:36Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 44:36Speaker 06

  And I go, oh, good. So I, um, I locked up a frozen mac and cheese in there for six to eight minutes.

• 44:45Speaker 06

  And I left it in there.

• 44:47Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 44:47Speaker 06

  And so the next people came in. The woman put her necklace in the safe into the frozen mac and cheese.

• 44:55Speaker 06

  Period.

• 45:02Conan O'Brien?

  This is a new thing you're on to, period, and then let's the audience know. You let the audience know that the joke has been told.

• 45:09Speaker 06

  It's instead of "and seen."

• 45:10Conan O'Brien?

  And seen, period.

• 45:13Conan O'Brien?

  I, I like it. I like it.

• 45:19Speaker 06

  Let's look at the picture again.

• 45:20Conan O'Brien?

  Do you crack yourself up a lot when you think of these things?

• 45:22Speaker 06

  I find myself pretty funny.

• 45:24Conan O'Brien?

  Does your wife think you're funny?

• 45:26Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 45:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 45:27Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 45:28Conan O'Brien?

  People, um, it's so condescending, but people are always saying, if Liza laughs at anything I say, they act amazed.

• 45:36Speaker 06

  But how do you reciprocate with what she does? What, what, what are you, what is she missing from you?

• 45:41Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. I haven't thought about that. That's a really good question.

• 45:44Speaker 06

  Maybe you should think about other people besides yourself.

• 45:47Conan O'Brien?

  That's a good point.

• 45:47Speaker 06

  But, I mean, you love her for a lot of things.

• 45:50Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 45:50Speaker 06

  But you don't show it.

• 45:51Conan O'Brien?

  I, I.

• 45:52Speaker 06

  Again, it comes back to you being too insensitive to show your feelings.

• 45:59Speaker 06

  Let me finish.

• 45:59Conan O'Brien?

  Let me say something.

• 46:00Speaker 06

  Will you let me finish?

• 46:00Conan O'Brien?

  I think Bill Burr is right. Did you hear what you just said?

• 46:03Speaker 06

  When did you, when did you say that? He said that on my hike.

• 46:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 46:06Speaker 06

  Hiking with Kevin on YouTube.

• 46:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. He said it, and did you hear what he just said?

• 46:09Speaker 06

  Oh, fourth plug. That was the last one I got. You said four.

• 46:12Conan O'Brien?

  That's the fourth plug.

• 46:14Speaker 06

  Yeah, you said I got a four.

• 46:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I didn't think you'd get there. That's incredible.

• 46:17Speaker 06

  Oh, I'm gonna get the six before I leave.

• 46:18Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Did you see, but he just breathed out.

• 46:21Speaker 06

  But no.

• 46:22Conan O'Brien?

  You, you have so much venom in you, it comes out, but you're a lovely man. I'm gonna say that. You're a lovely guy, and I think you've got a big heart. But, right, there's little, there's little razor blades in there. Bill Burr is right. You've got these little tiny razor blades in there.

• 46:35Speaker 06

  He didn't say that to you. He said that on my hike.

• 46:37Conan O'Brien?

  I know. He said it on the hike, yeah.

• 46:38Speaker 06

  But I was baiting him. I was pushing his buttons. Try to get some kind of a Bill Burr reaction.

• 46:43Conan O'Brien?

  You took an Irish guy from Boston out into the sun.

• 46:45Speaker 06

  Not from Boston.

• 46:45Conan O'Brien?

  You didn't.

• 46:46Speaker 06

  He's not from Boston.

• 46:48Conan O'Brien?

  You didn't need to bait him.

• 46:49Speaker 06

  He's not from Boston. He's told that many times.

• 46:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 46:52Speaker 06

  He's from the suburbs.

• 46:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 46:53Speaker 06

  And he got angry because I kept saying he's from Boston.

• 46:55Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I always think that means Boston area. Don't you think that's fair?

• 46:58Speaker 06

  That's what I said.

• 46:59Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, Matt wants no part of this podcast today.

• 47:02Speaker 02

  Matt's ordering from Grubhub. You guys are just projecting on each other. Have you noticed, we talked about this last time, like, you're accusing him of those things that you might as well be pointing in a mirror. And same thing, you guys are, you know?

• 47:12Speaker 06

  Exactly, exactly.

• 47:12Conan O'Brien?

  If I was pointing at a mirror, I'd be pointing at myself.

• 47:15Speaker 06

  That's why you're so angry at me. Because you see me in you.

• 47:17Conan O'Brien?

  So you're saying I'm calling him out on things that are all me?

• 47:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:20Conan O'Brien?

  There are little razor blades in what I say.

• 47:21Speaker 02

  And vice versa.

• 47:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 47:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:23Conan O'Brien?

  So we're kind of the same guy, and that's why these are so weird.

• 47:27Speaker 02

  That's what he's getting to with the magnets. You're the same magnet, but you're polar opposite.

• 47:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, this is really good. Thank you.

• 47:32Speaker 06

  Guys, you figured it out. I'll be back in about an hour.

• 47:34Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? You, we, we are, yes. That is why these are so fucking weird. These, and, and fantastic slash disturbing is that it's two of the same people. And we...

• 47:49Speaker 02

  It's kind of Fight Clubby where you may not know the other one doesn't exist. You know what I mean?

• 47:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 47:54Speaker 02

  You, you know what I mean? You don't.

• 47:56Conan O'Brien?

  Well, okay.

• 47:57Speaker 04

  I'm confused.

• 47:58Conan O'Brien?

  You were confused by that movie.

• 47:59Speaker 06

  I think that if we let our guards down and open ourselves to each other, we'll find out that we're really not worth much as a person.

• 48:10Speaker 06

  Seriously. It's just, and that's why we keep that wall up, because we don't want to know.

• 48:14Conan O'Brien?

  I don't want to know.

• 48:15Speaker 06

  We don't want to accept that truth.

• 48:16Conan O'Brien?

  That's true. You are me and I am you, and I've told you this a million times.

• 48:20Speaker 06

  I saw those words come out of Paul McCartney's mouth.

• 48:24Conan O'Brien?

  You got us back there, didn't you? Would you like to do a plug for Sir Paul?

• 48:29Speaker 06

  What are you thinking about right now? What do you have to do later today?

• 48:32Conan O'Brien?

  No, I was just thinking about how this is kind of revelatory that we are the same person.

• 48:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 48:37Conan O'Brien?

  And I, I told you this a million times, but it bears repeating. When I met with Lorne for the first time to maybe get a job at SNL, he asked me, uh, who was my favorite cast member? And you were pretty new, but I had seen you do some things on Update. And I said, I like Kevin Nealon. And, um, Lorne kind of made a face like, hmm, okay. Want another shot? That question? No, he loved you too. He loved you too. I'm kidding, but, but my, my point-

• 49:03Speaker 06

  If I have to hear that story one more time, it's gonna drive me crazy.

• 49:07Conan O'Brien?

  But-

• 49:07Speaker 06

  I get it.

• 49:11Conan O'Brien?

  But my point is, I think I was some guy on my couch in late 1987, in my early twenties, looking at someone on TV. And I think I saw something that was in me. That's why I liked you. And now, uh, you and I are both sick in the exact same way. It's fascinating.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  You guys both want each other to root for yourselves.

• 49:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I want, and you know what? That's because I want to root for me.

• 49:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 49:37Conan O'Brien?

  This is fascinating. We are through the looking glass. This is incredible. I want you to root for me because I want to root for me instead of hating me. And that's why you can't finish a sentence with me and all of your, you know, okay, it's a-

• 49:50Speaker 06

  Can you read spam? Have you had spam lately?

• 49:56Conan O'Brien?

  We're not completely alike. There are some crucial differences.

• 50:01Speaker 06

  It blew a hole in my theory just now. No, I, I agree with you.

• 50:04Conan O'Brien?

  I had spam, uh, at summer camp. At summer camp, I used to cut off slices of ham and put it in a skillet when I was up there in the woods in New Hampshire and fry it up. And I remember looking at the spam cooking and then looking at my red freckled arm and thinking, those look the same. Seriously. That's a real memory.

• 50:23Speaker 06

  They put brown sugar in it, because that helps with anything. My father used to cook everything with brown sugar. Spam, bacon.

• 50:30Conan O'Brien?

  It's amazing. I thought I had just cracked this elemental thing. If you had been in the room with Einstein, when he was sitting there at the patent office and he said, "Wait a minute, maybe E equals mc squared, and maybe everything is relative and the speed of light," you would have cut him off. You would have cut him off. And said, "Do you really think a bidet works?"

• 50:52Conan O'Brien?

  "A bidet? You're like a Japanese toilet. Do you think those really work? I mean, isn't the toilet doing most of the work? Aren't we supposed to do some of the work? What did I say? Did I say equals? Wait, what was it? I forget now."

• 51:05Speaker 06

  What about spam? You ever have spam?

• 51:06Conan O'Brien?

  Ever have spam? Did it look like your honor?

• 51:08Speaker 06

  No, because whenever we go on a hike together, and we're doing my little hike on YouTube, hiking with Kevin, you are always like, looking at it like, you're so like, this is all so ridiculous. This whole notion of hiking and talking to somebody and the drone, it's just, what am I doing here? Okay, let's go.

• 51:24Conan O'Brien?

  When we did, when I did the second hiking with Kevin, you had this drone, you devoted so much time to getting these drone shots that are the most unimpressive drone shots you'll ever see. They're taken from ladder height. If we had brought a ladder, we would get the same shot, and you kept having this thing go up. I think you have separation anxiety from your drone. You wanted it only to be like two feet away from us at all times, and you spent forever fucking around with the drone. And, and then packing it up and putting it back in its little backpack, and you would go along and then you'd release it again, but not too high, just up in here.

• 52:01Speaker 06

  Bill Burr loved the drone. He loved the drone, man.

• 52:05Conan O'Brien?

  Well, he's a suburban guy.

• 52:08Speaker 06

  You really found it ridiculous, but yet you never say no to me.

• 52:12Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't.

• 52:12Speaker 06

  And I do love you for that.

• 52:13Conan O'Brien?

  You know why? Because I do love you.

• 52:15Speaker 06

  And I do feel bad.

• 52:15Conan O'Brien?

  And I do love myself, then.

• 52:18Speaker 06

  I do feel badly, uh, sometimes asking you for things.

• 52:21Conan O'Brien?

  No, you don't.

• 52:22Speaker 06

  I do, cuz I'm thinking, when is he gonna say no? When is he gonna say no?

• 52:26Conan O'Brien?

  I, I'm, I'm a sucker for this guy. I'll do anything that you'll...

• 52:29Speaker 06

  Really? Cuz I got a couple of asks for you.

• 52:31Conan O'Brien?

  I know you do, yeah.

• 52:33Speaker 06

  KevinElenart.com? No, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna be one of those people who just plugs things. For, for the rest of this thing, let's just talk about, what about you?

• 52:40Conan O'Brien?

  During the time you were on my show, and we were having what I thought was a real conversation, and then I asked you about your health, and you started to talk about, yeah, well, I had Afib, and da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, oh, that's really rough. And you was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is on the talk show. And then you said, yeah, but, you know, so you gotta, you know, make sure that you get the medicine. And just, and then you looked into camera, away from me, and said, "Just, uh, check with your doctor. Make sure it's the right medicine for you." And I felt this chill go through my spine. And I went, okay, uh, Kevin Elen, everybody, band plays. I said, what the hell was that? And you went, well, if I don't say that part, I don't get paid. And I went, what? What? You did a commercial, and you worked it into our conversation?

• 53:22Speaker 06

  That was part of the deal, I mean.

• 53:23Conan O'Brien?

  I don't care about your deal. I was asking you about your health, and then you look into a camera and say, "Just make sure it's the right medication for you."

• 53:30Speaker 06

  No, I said, "Check with your doctor first to make sure it's the right medication for you."

• 53:33Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, sorry, I butchered. Well, I said, exactly.

• 53:35Speaker 06

  I worked on that line for a long time. So, here's the thing.

• 53:39Conan O'Brien?

  It was such a weird, sad moment for me.

• 53:41Speaker 06

  I'm just gonna start talking.

• 53:41Conan O'Brien?

  I don't even know, you're gonna, at the end of this, you're gonna look to camera and say, "Just make, if you lack sincerity, just make sure you take Sincero now."

• 53:48Speaker 06

  And the pharma company said, you know, in your contract, you have to do one late-night talk show, or any kind of talk show.

• 53:53Conan O'Brien?

  You never told me this. You could've said something.

• 53:55Speaker 06

  That's none of your business.

• 53:58Conan O'Brien?

  You were a guest on my show.

• 54:00Speaker 06

  I was a guest.

• 54:00Conan O'Brien?

  You're a friend of mine.

• 54:01Speaker 06

  I'm the guest. You should treat the guest nicer.

• 54:03Conan O'Brien?

  Why couldn't you say, "And by the end, I'm gonna do this thing for a pharmaceutical company? I would've helped you out." I would've said like, wow, you look much better. What's different in your life? Well, now I'm on Shabba-Dabbo.

• 54:12Speaker 06

  Do you know why I didn't? Because I knew you could handle it. I knew you could take care of yourself.

• 54:16Conan O'Brien?

  It was creepy. It was creepy.

• 54:18Speaker 06

  Well, that's creepy to you.

• 54:19Conan O'Brien?

  It was a betrayal.

• 54:19Speaker 06

  People loved it. They loved that information that I gave them.

• 54:21Conan O'Brien?

  This audience did stand and cheer. And they went, "We will check with our doctor to make sure it's the right medication for us." They did. I'll never forget that.

• 54:31Speaker 06

  They did, actually.

• 54:31Conan O'Brien?

  And they said, "Check with doctor, check with doctor." And they lifted you up on their shoulders, and they took you out. "Check with doctor, check with doctor, check with doctor, check with doctor."

• 54:43Speaker 06

  Made a lot of money from that.

• 54:44Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, great.

• 54:46Speaker 06

  No thanks to you.

• 54:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, little heads up next time. Okay? Well, listen, I'm gonna wrap this up.

• 54:54Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 54:54Conan O'Brien?

  Because you're a terrible person, but, and I'm talking to myself now, not to you.

• 54:59Speaker 06

  Do you want to recap anything?

• 55:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you screwed me over with McCartney. You completely screwed me over on the talk show when you did an ad for some Afib medication without telling me first, and it was weird and a chill went up my spine.

• 55:14Speaker 06

  But you always have me back after that.

• 55:15Conan O'Brien?

  I have a suspicion that you're not gonna give me that painting, that you're gonna take it and sell it on, uh, ScrewAFriendOver.net.

• 55:23Speaker 06

  KevinNealonhart.com. You're right, that was a really, really disgusting and self-

• 55:32Conan O'Brien?

  Promotional.

• 55:32Speaker 06

  Promotional thing. But you know what? It made my life better, and I know you're rooting for me.

• 55:37Conan O'Brien?

  I am.

• 55:38Speaker 06

  To be better, right? I mean, we can't disclaim that.

• 55:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 55:42Speaker 06

  But yeah, I mean, I think the major thing that, well, I don't want to recap all the plugs I did.

• 55:48Conan O'Brien?

  No, you don't need to.

• 55:49Speaker 06

  But you do have to see my special.

• 55:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 55:51Speaker 06

  I think you're gonna like it.

• 55:52Conan O'Brien?

  And I will, and I'll see it clearly, because I'm using a new medication.

• 55:58Conan O'Brien?

  It's called Zabada Habitat.

• 56:02Conan O'Brien?

  I care about you, I think you're one of the greats, one of.

• 56:05Speaker 06

  I've heard of some other greats.

• 56:06Conan O'Brien?

  We're not gonna get into that.

• 56:08Speaker 06

  Next time I come, can we please just talk like we're normal people?

• 56:13Conan O'Brien?

  Not gonna happen. Kevin Nealon-

• 56:15Speaker 06

  Because I'm getting to the point now where-

• 56:17Conan O'Brien?

  Wrapping it up.

• 56:18Speaker 06

  I really can't have a conversation with you and learn anything about you. It's just like total darts in the eyes.

• 56:25Conan O'Brien?

  Thanks for being here, Kevin. Thanks for being here.

• 56:27Speaker 06

  Thank you for having me.

• 56:28Conan O'Brien?

  You're a good guy.

• 56:29Speaker 06

  I appreciate, I appreciate any time I'm able to be on your show.

• 56:33Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you, Kevin.

• 56:34Speaker 06

  Whether it's your Late Night Talk Show, or this, or the Oscars.

• 56:37Conan O'Brien?

  Good having you here. Thank you, Kevin.

• 56:39Speaker 06

  Good to be here.

• 56:40Conan O'Brien?

  You take care.

• 56:49Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 56:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 56:52Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 57:06Speaker 04

  Nice.

• 57:06Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 57:15Speaker 04

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 57:19Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 57:39Speaker 04

  Hello!

• 57:39Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 58:14Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that one in four Americans targeted by scams end up falling for them? You fell for one.

• 58:19Speaker 04

  I fell for a scam?

• 58:20Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you didn't lose too much money, but you did lose.

• 58:23Speaker 04

  I did lose and it was very inconvenient and now they put protections on my account like I'm, uh, dumb.

• 58:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I don't know where they got that impression. Criminals are now using AI to make scams look more realistic than ever. In 2025, AI fraud spiked 1,210% and cost Americans $893 million. That's incredible. Well, with AI, it can get so smart now.

• 58:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:49Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 58:50Speaker 04

  Maybe I should start scamming.

• 58:51Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's not the point.

• 58:53Speaker 04

  Oh, no, that's not the point of this.

• 58:54Conan O'Brien?

  That's not the point. That's so quick, Sona can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft. Luckily, this is the point. Not that you should start scamming, but that everyone should get LifeLock.

• 59:04Speaker 04

  Right, right, right, right.

• 59:05Conan O'Brien?

  LifeLock has live US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft from first alert to full restoration. This is fantastic. How do you not have this?

• 59:17Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 59:17Conan O'Brien?

  If you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million-dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans. Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 59:36Conan O'Brien?

  Sona, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 59:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:43Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 59:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about?

• 1:00:03Speaker 04

  Because it's family.

• 1:00:04Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 1:00:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:06Conan O'Brien?

  Um, like a walk with an ex-wife. Uh, I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 1:00:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:15Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, a taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse, crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 1:00:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 1:00:45Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 1:01:07Speaker 02

  Okay, we're back on this subject and you were about to find out from Sona what she would do if she didn't have this job.

• 1:01:12Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, I have great admiration for you, but I'm just wondering, what would you do, seriously? Let's be honest.

• 1:01:18Speaker 04

  I know what I would do.

• 1:01:19Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 1:01:19Speaker 04

  Because I think about this. I would work at Costco. Why is everyone laughing? Hold on. Hold the phone.

• 1:01:27Conan O'Brien?

  I'm listening, I'm not laughing.

• 1:01:28Speaker 04

  Costco's one of my favorite places in the whole world. I love going there. And everyone who works there is kind of cool. And you know, you like check things and you have to put it in the carts the right way and there's no bagging. And you do the beep beep beeps and everyone's happy. Most of the people there are happy because they're getting like a lot of stuff for a good deal.

• 1:01:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:47Speaker 04

  So I would, and I think that they, it's a good company. They have good benefits. I've seriously looked into this.

• 1:01:53Conan O'Brien?

  You've thought about it. Okay, so, and I'm not joking about this at all. I know that the customers are very happy. You get the sense that the people who work at Costco are really happy?

• 1:02:00Speaker 04

  I think so. I think they're well taken care of. I really think that the corporate structure there is-

• 1:02:04Conan O'Brien?

  Blay's got something. Let's go, Blay.

• 1:02:05Speaker 04

  Uh, I was just gonna say that Costco is known for having, uh, great benefits for their employees, like health benefits and stuff. Thank you. Like, it's like a well-known thing. Thank you. I could do it, too.

• 1:02:14Conan O'Brien?

  I, no, and the thing is, I know you could.

• 1:02:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:16Conan O'Brien?

  I know you could. I think there'd be, I think there'd be a couple of weeks early on where you'd be saying, "I don't get it. Where's the free booze?"

• 1:02:23Speaker 04

  That's true.

• 1:02:24Conan O'Brien?

  When do I, when do I get to stay with my boss in a five-star hotel?

• 1:02:28Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:02:28Conan O'Brien?

  And, um, make poo poo and butt jokes. When do I, I mean, you know what I mean?

• 1:02:33Speaker 04

  You don't think they make poo poo and butt jokes at Costco? I've made poo poo and butt jokes everywhere.

• 1:02:38Conan O'Brien?

  And I think they do them in bulk.

• 1:02:40Speaker 04

  Oh, okay. I have to say, in my defense, I've made poo poo-

• 1:02:44Conan O'Brien?

  Good one, huh? Hey Eduardo, good one? I'm fine, I'm fine. And mad respect for Eduardo.

• 1:02:48Speaker 04

  I've made poo poo pee pee butt jokes at every job I've ever worked. So I bring people down to my level.

• 1:02:54Conan O'Brien?

  Even when you worked at the IBS clinic?

• 1:02:59Conan O'Brien?

  I'm here for my IBS. Ha, ha, ha, poo poo pee pee. Ha, ha, ha, poo poo pee pee. Why? Please stop it. Stop it.

• 1:03:07Speaker 02

  I just came here to leave a sample for the doctor. Hee hee hee hee, poo poo pee pee, poo poo pee pee, ah.

• 1:03:12Speaker 04

  Sample, there's poo poo in there.

• 1:03:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:03:14Speaker 04

  It's funny, it's funny.

• 1:03:15Conan O'Brien?

  And then you'd chase them out into the parking lot with their sample.

• 1:03:17Speaker 02

  Ha ha ha, poo poo pee pee, poo poo pee pee.

• 1:03:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:20Conan O'Brien?

  Um, listen, uh, I think you would do fine at Costco. I do think there'd be a period of adjustment. Hey, we're the famous people I get to meet.

• 1:03:28Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:03:28Conan O'Brien?

  All that kind of stuff.

• 1:03:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly. I, is that not part of it? Is that not part of the job?

• 1:03:33Conan O'Brien?

  That's cool.

• 1:03:34Speaker 04

  Do I get to fly in a class higher than economy? Like when I used to

• 1:03:38Conan O'Brien?

  No, no.

• 1:03:39Speaker 04

  Use your credit card and buy myself tickets?

• 1:03:41Conan O'Brien?

  No, all that stuff is gone. Gone, gone.

• 1:03:43Speaker 04

  Okay, well, that's, so I, I, I think I need to rethink, rethink this.

• 1:03:47Conan O'Brien?

  And rethink it.

• 1:03:48Speaker 04

  Retink it, yeah.

• 1:03:50Conan O'Brien?

  Um, yeah, no, no, but I do think, I, I know you're incredibly practical and you, you're completely self-made. No one ever offered you anything and you made yourself, and so I know that you would do okay. And now, the, I.

• 1:04:05Speaker 02

  Is it what you want to do or realistically have to do? You know what I mean?

• 1:04:10Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's, um, what I'm talking about is you've got to put food on the table. You're gonna have two kids.

• 1:04:15Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:04:15Conan O'Brien?

  Um, they're crying. These are really young kids and I'm gonna say your wife cannot help in any way. You need to make some money.

• 1:04:23Speaker 02

  I guess I would just go back to teaching. I'd full-time teach.

• 1:04:27Conan O'Brien?

  And what, what was the subject?

• 1:04:28Speaker 02

  I taught theater for, for 25 years.

• 1:04:32Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna take that away from you and say it can't be that.

• 1:04:34Speaker 02

  Because it's performing arts?

• 1:04:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it can't be anything to do with performing arts. It has to be something practical, something.

• 1:04:39Speaker 02

  And then I think I would do like, um, interior design consultation, but not like decorating, but like remodeling.

• 1:04:46Conan O'Brien?

  But you're good with woodwork and things like that, aren't you?

• 1:04:48Speaker 02

  I, I.

• 1:04:48Conan O'Brien?

  Could you, could you be a contractor?

• 1:04:50Speaker 02

  I couldn't be a contractor, no. I could be a consultant, like a design remodeling consultant. You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing.

• 1:04:56Conan O'Brien?

  I just think in desperate times, you can't say, well, off to be a consultant.

• 1:05:00Speaker 02

  I know.

• 1:05:01Conan O'Brien?

  That's why I'm thinking.

• 1:05:01Speaker 02

  So what is it?

• 1:05:02Speaker 04

  You don't get, you don't get benefits with consultant work either, right?

• 1:05:05Speaker 02

  I've always had to manage benefits on my own. Cause I've always just kind of worked gig style, you know?

• 1:05:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:05:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:13Conan O'Brien?

  What, seriously, what do you think, it can't be anything to do? Be honest, what could I do?

• 1:05:18Speaker 04

  I I'm gonna, I I was thinking the same thing.

• 1:05:20Conan O'Brien?

  Don't say teacher or anything.

• 1:05:21Speaker 04

  I know, but I was thinking the same thing girls was, which is teacher. But I also, can I be serious for a sec? I think you'd be a really great politician, maybe a local politician. Cause you're very likeable, you're funny, and you're also very smart. And I think you're charismatic and I think you would, you know, you'd be like, you'd be like, hey, guys, I'm on the city council. And then you would, you're not easily corruptible, you'd be one of the good ones. So I think you'd be a good politician.

• 1:05:47Speaker 02

  That's nice, yeah, I think so too.

• 1:05:48Conan O'Brien?

  But can you go out and get a job quickly as a politician?

• 1:05:51Speaker 04

  No, you had to run.

• 1:05:52Speaker 02

  That's the tough thing with this.

• 1:05:54Conan O'Brien?

  That's why I'm thinking about, I'm just thinking about, oh, it's the depression.

• 1:05:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:05:58Conan O'Brien?

  Your business has completely gone away. The robots have taken over, they're smoldering ruins, I gotta go out.

• 1:06:05Speaker 02

  Then I would, I would just do construction work. I would just go join a firm and just help build houses or something.

• 1:06:11Conan O'Brien?

  I guess, I mean, one thing I could do is model.

• 1:06:15Speaker 02

  Is that where this was heading all along?

• 1:06:17Conan O'Brien?

  No. No, I just thought of it. No, no, no, that's not where this is heading.

• 1:06:19Speaker 02

  You planted this whole thing and accepted this whole thing.

• 1:06:21Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, I'm not, I'm not, I just thought of it this moment, but I am. Wait, why do you say no way? I have very sharp cheekbones.

• 1:06:28Speaker 04

  You have no ass. You're incredibly pale.

• 1:06:32Conan O'Brien?

  You're the only one who is looking at male models in a catalog who are showing you like glasses and saying, where's the ass? I don't see their ass. Also, models are not supposed to have huge asses because they're supposed to like show the clothes. Thank, more from Blay, by the way, and Blay have ever put you down.

• 1:06:48Conan O'Brien?

  Long legs, long legs. I have very long legs. Walking down the runway.

• 1:06:51Speaker 04

  Can you walk down a road, can you do, can you do a runway walk?

• 1:06:55Conan O'Brien?

  I could do like a funny runway walk.

• 1:06:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, but that's not what you're supposed to do. You can't, well, you can't be serious.

• 1:07:00Conan O'Brien?

  I would take the attention off the clothes.

• 1:07:02Speaker 04

  If there's a camera pointed at you and they say, give us a smoldering look, can you do it? Do it, do it, do it. Okay, see?

• 1:07:11Speaker 04

  You can't do it, you can't do it.

• 1:07:15Speaker 04

  Hey, Conan, be sexy, be sexy, Conan, be sexy. Show us sexy, give us a sexy look. You're a bad boy, Conan, give us a bad.

• 1:07:26Conan O'Brien?

  I'll get you real good in the bedroom, I'll really show you something.

• 1:07:29Speaker 04

  No, be serious, just be serious.

• 1:07:30Conan O'Brien?

  Talk dirty, talk dirty. I'm gonna put jelly on my chest.

• 1:07:37Speaker 02

  He's sporty, athletic.

• 1:07:39Conan O'Brien?

  Sporty?

• 1:07:43Conan O'Brien?

  Is that sporty? Is that a sport?

• 1:07:45Speaker 04

  All right, now your model that you're with, act like you want her. Like, act like you really just want her. You want to have sex with her. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

• 1:07:57Conan O'Brien?

  Bow tie.

• 1:07:59Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 1:08:09Conan O'Brien?

  Put on my glasses, windshield wipers.

• 1:08:13Conan O'Brien?

  Steam.

• 1:08:15Conan O'Brien?

  Hair spins around.

• 1:08:17Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 1:08:17Speaker 02

  So if you lose this job, you'll just be institutionalized.

• 1:08:22Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:08:22Conan O'Brien?

  I will be immediately institutionalized. But I'll make money because people will come and study me.

• 1:08:28Speaker 04

  Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:30Conan O'Brien?

  All right, we cracked it. We all know where we're going. You're going to Costco.

• 1:08:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, baby.

• 1:08:34Conan O'Brien?

  You're going to a local construction site. I will be institutionalized because I'm criminally insane.

• 1:08:44Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonum of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 1:09:04Speaker 02

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:09:54Conan O'Brien?

  Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lands skilled talent, that takes more than just an estimate you came up with.

• 1:10:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:10:04Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 1:10:08Speaker 04

  That's good.

• 1:10:08Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 1:10:11Speaker 04

  No, but maybe-

• 1:10:11Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries, remember?

• 1:10:14Speaker 04

  I know, I remember that. That was not good.

• 1:10:16Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters. You can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit roberthalf.com/salaryguide.

• 1:10:38Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka-Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right? Yep. Well, did you know Alka-Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka-Seltzer Cold? Did you know that, David? No, but I feel like we need it. Why didn't you know that, David? I know, you expect me to know everything. I knew this because I've- Did you? Yeah, I've tried it. It's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka-Seltzer Cold into the water. Alka-Seltzer Cold Fast Dissolves Tablets are designed to deliver cold and flu relief fast. Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action, ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka-Seltzer Cold. Nothing works faster for cold and flu symptom relief.

• 1:11:23Conan O'Brien?

  Among oral products used as directed.