Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show Is My Wife Sending Nude Pics to Other Men? About this episode On today’s episode, we hear about:
A husband struggling after he found nude pictures on his wife’s phone
A woman frustrated that her husband won’t parent his daughter
A man who doesn’t know how to talk to his girlfriend about her weight
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 Couple of months ago, I uncovered an affair.
0:08 Dr. John Delony? Land right in the middle of it, dude. What did you find?
0:11 Speaker 00 I found a couple of pictures of her, um, topless.
0:18 Dr. John Delony? I promise you with all that I am, brother, you do not quote unquote, know all of her tells.
0:29 Dr. John Delony? Happy New Year. 2026 is here. So glad that you're with us. Start the new year off right. Talking about your relationships, nobody's got relationships challenges after the holidays. My goodness. And so glad that you're here talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. Hit the subscribe button. Let's start the new year off right. Hit the subscribe button and let's get after it this year. So grateful that you are with us. Let's go out to Washington DC and talk to Randy. Hey Randy, what's up, brother?
1:06 Speaker 00 Hey Doc John, how you doing?
1:08 Dr. John Delony? I'm doing great, man. How are you, man?
1:11 Speaker 00 Better than I deserve.
1:13 Dr. John Delony? Excellent, excellent. What's up?
1:14 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm really grateful that you took my, took my question. Uh, I'm calling, um, my, my wife and I, we've been together for almost 16 years now. Uh, married for a little over 12, almost 13. Uh, we have been absolute best friends from the start.
1:35 Speaker 00 And, uh, yeah, I've, I've got three kids from a previous marriage. She has a, a daughter that I've had in my life since she was one year old. She's about 16 now. Uh, we are a happy family.
1:50 Speaker 00 Couple of short months ago, I uncovered an affair.
1:55 Speaker 00 And uh, literally and figuratively brought me to my knees. Uh, the recovery process from that, uh, you know, I spent the, the next two, close to three months. Uh, I initiated the separation. Um, I still was not very sure of which direction we wanted to go. However, I knew that I absolutely really loved this woman. Uh, after a whole lot of kinda ups and downs, uh, I decided to sit down with my wife and talk about reconciliation. As she was literally begging me to stay married and that we can continue forward.
2:38 Speaker 00 Uh, she showing all the guilt, the remorse, everything that comes with the affair. Um, so we decided, yeah, let's give it another shot. Since then, uh, even prior then, I, I've been seeing my own counselor. She's been seeing her own counselor and we've been seeing a gotten and trained marriage counselor. Um, since that reconciliation, it's been approximately three months. And we are super solid. Uh, everything is going just absolutely well. There's a lot of reconnection. It's all very safe, very healthy.
3:17 Speaker 00 But, um, just recently, within about the past three weeks, uh, I stumbled across something that, uh, I don't, I, I don't have any explanation for.
3:30 Dr. John Delony? What happened?
3:33 Speaker 00 Well, so.
3:37 Dr. John Delony? You're, you're circling the clouds like with your airplane.
3:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
3:41 Dr. John Delony? Land right in the middle of it, dude.
3:44 Speaker 00 Uh, I'll, I'll, I'll get to the point. Um, the, the way that I uncovered the affair.
3:49 Dr. John Delony? Uh, don't care. What did you find? What did you find?
3:53 Speaker 00 I found, uh, a couple of pictures of her, um, topless.
3:59 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
4:00 Speaker 00 That I have never seen before in my life.
4:03 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
4:06 Speaker 00 I looked at the file data. I know the timeline of when these pictures were taken. I know exactly where I was. These were never sent to me during that timeline. We didn't have any spicy talk over the phone. You know, it's home every night.
4:23 Dr. John Delony? Sure. Is this, is this after your reconciliation or just in the past?
4:30 Speaker 00 The pictures were taken six years ago.
4:32 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
4:33 Speaker 00 And during that time frame, we, we had a good, strong marriage.
4:37 Dr. John Delony? Hold on, I, I need to challenge you on something. Is that cool?
4:40 Speaker 00 Yeah, man.
4:41 Dr. John Delony? Okay. If you go back and listen to the first minute and a half of us talking.
4:48 Speaker 00 Yeah.
4:49 Dr. John Delony? You've told me that this is your best friend. You had an amazing life together. You've got this amazing, um, three kids of your own and this amazing daughter that you have raised. Amazing, awesome, wonderful, amazing, great. You will not be able to move forward until you are honest that none of that was true.
5:13 Speaker 00 Ouch.
5:15 Dr. John Delony? Best friends don't knife the person in the same bed with them.
5:21 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
5:22 Dr. John Delony? Best friends don't cheat. Best friends don't start a reconciliation process and don't fully come clean with how deep this, their dissatisfaction, their own challenges, their own affairs. All that stuff has happened.
5:41 Speaker 00 Can I add a little context for you?
5:43 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
5:46 Speaker 00 Uh, my wife was raised very, very well. Uh, she had tremendous morals. This is a woman that never lied to me, never lied to her mother. The only thing that she learned how to do a couple of months ago is learn how to lie. She didn't learn how to lie well. She just learned how to lie. And when I did uncover the affair, uh, I got a little bit of a background in this. I interrogated her and it was specifically so I could see what tells she has. And it worked. I know every one of her tells. So since I have not questioned her yet about these pictures.
6:30 Speaker 00 I kinda have to, like, I feel obligated to give the benefit of the doubt because perhaps, perhaps, even though I use the duck analogy, perhaps there is a logical explanation. I don't know what that is, but, you know.
6:46 Dr. John Delony? Or, perhaps.
6:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
6:51 Dr. John Delony? All right. Man, are you an interrogator for a living?
6:56 Speaker 00 No. Former life.
6:59 Dr. John Delony? Former life, all right. I grew up in the home of a homicide detective.
7:03 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
7:03 Dr. John Delony? Okay?
7:05 Dr. John Delony? Who was also a SWAT hostage negotiator.
7:09 Dr. John Delony? Okay?
7:11 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
7:11 Dr. John Delony? Being interrogated is in my DNA.
7:15 Dr. John Delony? I also worked student conduct for 20 years. I've been interrogating people my entire career, okay? You and I both know that the number one barrier for a good interrogator is their own ego.
7:32 Speaker 00 Yeah.
7:33 Dr. John Delony? And their belief that they have a superior detection system than anybody else.
7:42 Dr. John Delony? I promise you with all that I am, brother, you do not quote unquote know all of her tells. And your needing to believe that is preventing you from feeling
7:56 Dr. John Delony? the reality of the situation, not knowing it, feeling it.
8:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:02 Dr. John Delony? I was raised with impeccable morals.
8:07 Dr. John Delony? And I was a world-class liar.
8:11 Dr. John Delony? You know why? Because A, I had to be, and B,
8:17 Dr. John Delony? I was surrounded by a world-class interrogator.
8:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:24 Dr. John Delony? So the greatest gift you can give to yourself right now is to say these terrifying words, "I missed it." And if you will metabolize that, then you'll have to do the scary work, which is, "I thought I was a guy that knew her and I didn't." And then you'll have to say, "If I can't trust me, then who can I trust?" And that's a scary thing on the back end of an affair, is, is yes, people lose trust in their spouse, but there's a deeper trust loss in yourself. "I should have seen it."
9:07 Speaker 00 Right.
9:08 Dr. John Delony? And bro, if you can get there, and I'm, I'm literally thinking of you opening your hands instead of clenching them tighter, your perhaps, perhaps, is you squeezing every, your hands are squeezed together so tight, your hands are turning white, your fingers are turning white. Perhaps, you know what? Perhaps you're right. But the evidence in front of you, to use investigator language, is probably not. Fair? And, and this is me talking to a guy, I'm telling you this because I love you.
9:46 Speaker 00 It's fair.
9:48 Dr. John Delony? The greatest gift is not thinking, "I solved this." Because for a person who is linked up with somebody who thinks they know all the this is and that's, and this is and that's, is once I, once I can get around that system, I can get around anything.
10:05 Speaker 00 Right.
10:06 Dr. John Delony? And that is unfathomably terrifying. The greatest investigators that I've spent time with, the ones who do this at like the high, high, high level, are ones who regularly say, "I don't know."
10:27 Speaker 00 Yeah, and I'm kind of faced with this challenge. We did have really, really deep conversations over this past couple of weeks. You know, I told her exactly why I did what I did when I confronted her about the affair. You know, I told her, I said, I interrogated you. I did that for a reason. All things considered, I wouldn't have done it any differently. I don't want to interrogate her again. And so I'm kind of playing scenarios out here on how I actually do approach this. You know, our marriage counselor has been, you know,
11:06 Speaker 00 I've been on his back about trust building. How do I build trust? And really, everything kind of boils down to, I've been told a lot of things. I've heard the whole transparency. Everybody's got everybody's passwords. Well, I threw my passwords out freely, willingly. I was like, please check everything. I don't care. I've got nothing to hide. My wife was reluctant to do that at first, but, you know, I told her, I was like, look, I get a vote. You know, I use your words. I get a vote in this. This is what I want. And she's been
11:46 Speaker 00 pretty dang transparent, you know, trying to fix what was broken. You know, here I am. I've been away from home for about three weeks now, and, you know, I call
11:58 Dr. John Delony? Why are you not on a plane back to sit in front of her?
12:03 Speaker 00 You know, I go by my individual counselor. You know, this is my job, and I get it. I understand the relationship between job and family. You know, I was in the military for 21 years, which ultimately caused me my first marriage. No, no, me being in the military did not cause me my marriage. However, this is how I put food on the table. This is how I
12:32 Dr. John Delony? I got you. But do you not get Saturday and Sunday off?
12:39 Speaker 00 I'm clear across the globe.
12:45 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm across the pond. It's not that easy.
12:47 Dr. John Delony? Okay, that's fair.
12:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:50 Dr. John Delony? Here's what I'm gonna tell you. You're gonna be a shell of yourself by the time you get back.
12:57 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, I'm preparing for that.
12:59 Dr. John Delony? And you're running, you are ruminating, what you're doing feels like productive thinking.
13:06 Dr. John Delony? It is not.
13:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:09 Dr. John Delony? You're rumin, you are creating stories that then you have to solve, which create new stories with which you have to solve. Your car is stuck in mud and you have your foot jammed on the gas. And you're listening to the RPMs go up and you feel like you're moving, you're not going anywhere, you're just digging a deeper hole.
13:27 Speaker 00 It's a nail on the head right there.
13:29 Dr. John Delony? So until you exhale and stop having imaginary conversations in your head and running scenarios in your head, and by the way, that's how you were trained. Think of every contingency. Get as many unknown unknowns off the table as possible.
13:47 Dr. John Delony? That is in your DNA, and I honor that. It doesn't work in a marriage.
13:55 Speaker 00 Yeah, been figuring that one out.
13:57 Dr. John Delony? It's all, it's all good. I mean, you're just doing, here's what you're doing. You love her so much and you love the life you all have created, and let's even go one step deeper. You've dedicated your whole life to trying to love people well.
14:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
14:08 Dr. John Delony? And keep people safe and do the next right thing. That's your whole life.
14:14 Dr. John Delony? But you know as well as I do, that green camo doesn't work in the desert. And so you're opening up your toolkit and you're just putting on, you're grabbing the tools that you know
14:25 Dr. John Delony? an interrogation never works in reconnection.
14:30 Speaker 00 Right.
14:30 Dr. John Delony? Because it lifts you into the higher chair. And you know, one of the great interrogation techniques is for the interrogator to have a higher chair.
14:38 Speaker 00 Yes.
14:39 Dr. John Delony? That's what it does, and it doesn't bring connection. It brings punishment.
14:46 Dr. John Delony? And if you have a woman who spent her whole life just following the rules, that meant she also knew the way around the rules.
14:56 Speaker 00 Right.
14:58 Dr. John Delony? And there's nothing more terrifying. Go ahead.
15:02 Speaker 00 I don't feel responsible having given her means and the opportunity to have an affair behind my back while I'm pissed off.
15:13 Dr. John Delony? No, no, no, no, no. She made choices. She made grown up choices.
15:16 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm absolutely clear of that responsibility. I've got a level head on that one. And she has done her part in taking full accountability for it all.
15:27 Dr. John Delony? Awesome. Right. But here's the thing.
15:30 Speaker 00 Seriously, she's done a great job.
15:32 Dr. John Delony? Except maybe, maybe.
15:34 Speaker 00 Maybe. And so I have given her several opportunities and not because I had any doubt, but I gave several opportunities, you know, like if there is anything else from the past that I need to know about, it's a really good idea to get ahead of the truth. And, you know, at this point, maybe it just becomes a discussion or, you know, we go back to a dark place and figure things out.
16:00 Speaker 00 And that's kind of still where I'm sitting at here, depending on the severity, if I get the truth that I am kind of leaning more towards, where do I go from there? I can't sit here and tell you that I'm decided on that we just have a good discussion and talk to our marriage counselor.
16:16 Dr. John Delony? Of course, of course not, of course not. But what you're trying to do is you're trying to assume her answer A and then your contingency plan and then assume her answer B and then a contingency plan. And you've got your fingers held tightly around her potential answer number three and you've got a contingency plan. And what I'm telling you is the path forward for reconciliation here is open-handedness.
16:43 Dr. John Delony? And that's terrifying. And you're in a tough spot, dude, because these things are best had face to face and you can't have that. But I don't have this conversation yet, but I wonder what it would be like to exhale and say, I shouldn't have interrogated you as a means to regain power in this relationship. I should have wept because I loved you and I gave you my whole life. And I didn't see this one coming. And I'm not going to interrogate you, but I just found these photos and they're marked
17:22 Dr. John Delony? six years ago and you never sent these to me. And right now, I'm just heartbroken. And it sounds strange, man, but I'm wondering if you wouldn't feel infinitely more free after that conversation. You wouldn't feel better, but would you feel free?
17:47 Speaker 00 You know, I felt free once with the whole affair situation. But I had, when I had finally come to a decision, you know, with me being out of town, I was gone for about two months and I'm actively throwing out the bids for attention. I'm trying to see where she's at in this process and I was getting absolutely zero reciprocation. Two, three days before I actually got home, there was conversation, you know, text conversation between us, I can't remember the details, but it was enough to put me over the line and I said, you know what?
18:32 Speaker 00 I'm done. I'm done. My tank is empty. I'm done. When I get home, I'll go ahead and take care of filing. For whatever reason, I'm still not sure myself, I still had it scheduled for her to pick me up from the airport. And here I am on the plane home and I'm thinking, why didn't I just call my brother? What was I thinking? And that was the most uncomfortable hour and a half drive home from the airport with the crying and the, this can't be real. And, but that, that's when I was comfortable. I, I was set. I felt at peace with myself.
19:09 Dr. John Delony? You felt, you felt at peace in the decision or you felt peace in the grovelling?
19:15 Speaker 00 I felt peace in the decision.
19:16 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
19:17 Speaker 00 I could have, I could have totally gone without the grovelling. I didn't want it. I didn't need it.
19:21 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So it wasn't a matter of you finally like, you felt like the cosmic teeter totter was balancing a bit?
19:27 Speaker 00 No, not at all.
19:27 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
19:28 Speaker 00 I, I, I was really absolutely done. Uh, and I was so secure in my decision as it's like, hey, look, let's, let's have a quiet ride home. Uh, it's been a long trip.
19:39 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
19:40 Speaker 00 Uh, so I, yeah, I don't know.
19:42 Dr. John Delony? Can she get on a plane and come see you?
19:43 Speaker 00 That would be the peace. I'm sorry.
19:45 Dr. John Delony? Can she get on a plane and come see you?
19:48 Speaker 00 Uh, no.
19:49 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
19:52 Speaker 00 No.
19:52 Dr. John Delony? I mean, the, the, the, the honesty is this is gonna be hard. It's gonna be hard. Whether you have to navigate this over Zoom.
20:02 Dr. John Delony? And I, ah, man. Being gone seven more months with no physical contact is gonna be really, really hard.
20:11 Dr. John Delony? I don't know if you can take a leave of some sort. I, I, I mean, I don't know, man. It's hard. And it sounds cheesy, but right now, let your body be your guide. Where do you find peace?
20:23 Dr. John Delony? Where do you find peace? Sorry, my man. I hate this for you, dude. I really do. Thanks for the call. Took a lot of courage for you to call and I'm grateful.
20:35 Dr. John Delony? We come back, a woman feeling like she's the only one involved in being a parent in her household, doesn't know what to do next.
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23:44 Dr. John Delony? All right, Appleton, Wisconsin, Wisconsin. Let's talk to Ann. What's up, Ann?
23:49 Speaker 02 Hi, hi, Dr. John. I love your show.
23:52 Dr. John Delony? I love you. How are you? How are you doing?
23:55 Speaker 02 Well, I'm doing pretty good. I mean, other than the little issue that I have.
24:00 Dr. John Delony? When someone calls the show and says, I have a little issue. It's never a little issue. What's up?
24:04 Speaker 02 No, it's not. I'll get started. So, um, my husband and I have been married for about three years and, um, he has a stepdaughter. My kids are all adults. And, um, I've been raising his stepdaughter. He's never home. He, uh, has a, he works. He's in a band. He goes out all the time or he likes to sleep. And there's no, you know, when I try to talk to him about these things, he just doesn't. I don't know. He just doesn't understand or he doesn't grasp what, what I'm seeing. I, I mean, we've been to a counselor. We've done all this.
24:45 Speaker 02 There was a huge custody battle with his ex-wife just recently. And he fought for more time, but he's not taking that time to spend with her. And it makes me more angry because I feel like when I was going through the divorce, my kids didn't get as much attention as I'm giving his daughter now. And, and I know she is my daughter too.
25:08 Dr. John Delony? No, that's good. That's good. That's good. What you just said is good.
25:12 Speaker 02 You know, and I, I'm sorry, I
25:16 Dr. John Delony? No, don't be sorry. That's good.
25:17 Speaker 02 I wasn't, I wasn't able to give my kids what I'm giving her now because my ex-husband was very controlling. And I, I went from one extreme to another. Like, he doesn't care if I'm gone anywhere. Like, there, there's just no
25:33 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so let's get to, let's get to the, let's get to the real target here. Can we go right to the bullseye?
25:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, go right to the bullseye.
25:38 Dr. John Delony? You're married to a man that you simply do not respect.
25:43 Speaker 02 And that's how it feels right now.
25:44 Dr. John Delony? That's not how it feels, that's how it is.
25:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:48 Dr. John Delony? Because you're married to a man who went to war for more time, and he doesn't want to see his own daughter.
25:54 Speaker 02 No.
25:55 Dr. John Delony? And, if we're honest, let's take her out of the equation, this, this sweet daughter, he doesn't want to see you.
26:02 Speaker 02 No, no. I, I have to argue with him, and then he makes, makes it into like a joke.
26:11 Speaker 02 You know, he's like, I love you, you know that, but
26:15 Dr. John Delony? No, behavior's a language. He's very clear that he loves not being at home more than he loves being with you.
26:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:22 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
26:25 Speaker 02 It's just, you know, like, he's like, well, we need money, so I need to work. You know, there's always an excuse.
26:32 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
26:32 Speaker 02 Always, always.
26:36 Dr. John Delony? I'll sit here with you for a second.
26:40 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't know what else, you know, what other things I can do.
26:46 Dr. John Delony? I mean, the real pain here is that this is happening again.
26:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:54 Dr. John Delony? And when it happens with a terrible first husband, it's easy to say it's them. And then it happens again with a different fun-loving, super exciting, hangs out, smiles all the time, musician, whatever. Now it happening again, it's hard not to look in the mirror and say, what's wrong with me?
27:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, like I said every day.
27:16 Dr. John Delony? I know. I'm sorry.
27:22 Speaker 02 I mean, I, you know, I'm always constantly thinking, you know, do I need to do different?
27:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, in reality, I probably don't need to change much.
27:38 Dr. John Delony? I'm sorry.
27:43 Speaker 02 You know what I love? I love my stepdaughter. I love her like a daughter.
27:48 Dr. John Delony? It's not about her. It's not about her.
27:54 Dr. John Delony? It's happening again.
27:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:01 Speaker 02 I mean, should I, should I walk away? Or should I keep fighting?
28:07 Dr. John Delony? I mean, hey, I'm never gonna tell any, you gotta own that choice. I can't, I can't be the person who gives you permission to do the next hard, hard thing.
28:17 Speaker 02 I know, I should, you know.
28:18 Dr. John Delony? Hearing your story, he's already walked away. He just hasn't moved out yet.
28:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:29 Dr. John Delony? And maybe that's the language. I would not do what I do if I have not seen incredible marriages come, rise out of, out of ash. But it takes two people choosing, owning, we chose misery, and then now choosing that we can own something awesome.
28:47 Speaker 02 And that's what I want. I want to choose something awesome. I want things to be great.
28:53 Dr. John Delony? And so I think for you, taking a bit of time to drill down as specifically as possible.
29:04 Speaker 02 I mean, I've tried, thought about like, maybe getting enrolled in some more marriage counseling.
29:12 Dr. John Delony? No, no, no, no, not yet, not yet, not yet.
29:14 Speaker 02 Not yet. Maybe some more individual counseling.
29:18 Dr. John Delony? No, no, no. You're counseled up right now.
29:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've seen enough counselors in my lifetime, too.
29:25 Dr. John Delony? I know. You're at a point now where
29:32 Dr. John Delony? you so lack trust in you.
29:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:37 Dr. John Delony? That you need somebody else. You need a stranger on a podcast to tell you what's the next move.
29:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:44 Dr. John Delony? And maybe for the first time in your whole life, I want you to own
29:50 Dr. John Delony? what you want.
29:54 Speaker 02 I don't think I've ever been able to do that.
29:56 Dr. John Delony? I know.
30:01 Dr. John Delony? But I want you to write down on a piece of paper.
30:08 Speaker 02 Okay.
30:09 Dr. John Delony? I want you home four nights a week.
30:12 Dr. John Delony? And we can't talk about money issues until we have a budget that we stick to.
30:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:22 Dr. John Delony? And if you look in the mirror and you say, actually, I spend $900 a month on restaurants, you're right.
30:29 Dr. John Delony? We can both cook dinner together, or we can alternate, or I'll take it all. Like, there's some of that reality.
30:42 Dr. John Delony? But there's putting it down on paper, and here's what's gonna be hard about that. When you put it down on paper about what kind of life do you want?
30:52 Dr. John Delony? He might look at that and say, I'm not doing that.
30:59 Dr. John Delony? And that's scary.
31:01 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:06 Speaker 02 Yeah. And then I think he'll turn around and say, like, when do I get to make a list of all the things that, you know, you need to change?
31:14 Dr. John Delony? Tell him, bring it on.
31:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:17 Dr. John Delony? But here the language is different. We're not writing down a list of all the things he sucks at and that he needs to make different.
31:25 Speaker 02 No.
31:26 Dr. John Delony? You're simply taking full ownership of you.
31:30 Dr. John Delony? I want to be married to someone who likes me and wants to be at home.
31:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:35 Dr. John Delony? And by the way,
31:39 Dr. John Delony? I
31:42 Dr. John Delony? let me just give you a picture in my house. I travel a lot.
31:46 Dr. John Delony? I was just gone for three nights, running a marriage retreat here in Nashville. And can I tell you? The very next morning, I got in a car and I drove to Chicago, Illinois, to headline a comedy show in a comedy club. All right? So
32:07 Dr. John Delony? my wife even knew me well enough to know that after three weeks, three days of intensive marriage, mental health, emotional health, I want my husband home so bad, and the greatest gift I can give the next two months is to encourage him to go do something silly and tell some crazy jokes in front of a packed house.
32:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:27 Dr. John Delony? And so it's not all about, like, you don't want a guy who's a musician to never go out and play music.
32:34 Speaker 02 Oh, no.
32:35 Dr. John Delony? Right?
32:35 Speaker 02 I would never.
32:36 Dr. John Delony? I know. And so it's not a matter of, "I need you." It is deeper than that.
32:44 Dr. John Delony? You would probably be really happy if he played music with his buddies one night and then hung out with his buddies another night.
32:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:51 Dr. John Delony? But when you are home the other five nights, "I want you fully here and no phones and playing games around the table, boring family stuff."
33:00 Dr. John Delony? Why? Because I want somebody who will let me love them. I want to feel like I'm the most important person in somebody's world.
33:10 Speaker 02 Yeah. Uh-huh. That's what I need.
33:13 Dr. John Delony? I know.
33:17 Dr. John Delony? And God help this little girl.
33:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:21 Dr. John Delony? His daughter.
33:24 Speaker 02 Yeah. I really.
33:27 Dr. John Delony? But I, but I, I don't want you, if you look back on your, just, and again, I'm spitballing here, but I'm just taking some of the words you used. You have a pattern, probably since you were a kid, of outsourcing
33:44 Dr. John Delony? your next move and outsourcing blame. And I don't want this girl to become the next thing.
33:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:53 Dr. John Delony? I want you to own, "I miss my husband."
34:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:03 Speaker 02 Been like that all my life.
34:05 Dr. John Delony? I know.
34:07 Dr. John Delony? And it, and I'm giving my wife credit. She knows that a night at the comedy club fills me up. It doesn't take me away. You get the difference?
34:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:20 Speaker 02 I mean, we, he has band practices here and then he has his gigs and then it's, it's just so much.
34:33 Dr. John Delony? But you, every spouse can tell the difference, but I can tell when she goes to her book club meetings. Like, it's not to escape her home. It's to completely set her insides on fire and fill her up.
34:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:50 Dr. John Delony? And that is why I love it when she goes and does those things. I don't love that she's gone, I love she's doing those things. But I think it's beneath the band practice. Doesn't sound like he's building towards something, it sounds like he's avoiding everything.
35:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:07 Dr. John Delony? And now he's gotta, he's gotta live in babysitter and a live-in chef. It's the best of both worlds, dude.
35:13 Speaker 02 I kind of stopped cooking, like, I'm not doing that anymore. I know that sounds weird, but...
35:23 Dr. John Delony? No, it makes sense, but it's not helpful.
35:25 Speaker 02 No, I know it's not helpful.
35:28 Dr. John Delony? Because then it confirms the story he's telling himself, which is, she doesn't, she's always, or, right?
35:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, I guess that's probably right.
35:38 Dr. John Delony? It just gets into a dance where he plays three gigs one week, and then you're like, well, screw you then, I'm here with your daughter, I'm not even cooking for you, and he gets home and he's like, see? Even on a crazy week, I get home and I get punished for it, so I'm gonna book a fourth gig next week, and you're like, oh, well, then I'm not doing, it just gets in a weird dance.
35:55 Speaker 02 And that, that may be it.
35:58 Dr. John Delony? And that's why, you hear me say all the time on the show, somebody's gotta turn the music off and turn the lights on. And that always starts with being really specific. And even if you go first and say, I'm finding myself trying to punish you for being gone, which I get makes you wanna be gone more. I'm not doing that anymore, cuz I don't wanna be a person who punishes.
36:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's a really different way to look at it.
36:28 Dr. John Delony? There's, there's, there is a way you can say, I need, I need, I need, and what you're doing is you're taking your autonomy and dumping it in his gig bag.
36:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:45 Dr. John Delony? Or you can look at him and say, "I want you and I miss you." "And I know music's important to you. I know work's important to you. I know this little girl's important to you, but I want to be important to you above and beyond all of, all that." His daughter's a separate thing, but I want you to want to be here. And you have to be reflective. Have I contributed to a world where I could see him not wanting to be around?
37:07 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:08 Dr. John Delony? And then you get in a chicken or egg context, and at some point, it doesn't matter. I'm gonna change the way I do, what I do. I'm not gonna become a person I don't want to become just because of you.
37:19 Speaker 02 That is, that is good. That's good advice.
37:24 Dr. John Delony? I'm gonna send you all three decks of Questions for Humans for couples.
37:27 Speaker 02 Oh, my God. That would be so fabulous.
37:29 Dr. John Delony? I just want to get, I just want to get, I'll send you the intimacy deck, too. That's four of them. I just want to get to know you. And by the way, knowing never stops. My wife and I have been through those decks like 20 times, and I learn new things because it changes.
37:41 Speaker 02 Oh, that's... Yeah, I feel like I have so much to talk about, but I don't have anybody to talk to.
37:48 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So, look at your husband and say, "I am lonely."
37:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:57 Dr. John Delony? Or look at your husband, the next time he says, "I got a gig," and you say, "Well, actually, I'm going to hang out with my girlfriends."
38:04 Dr. John Delony? Because I'm a woman that has friends, and I'm a woman that goes and gets filled up with my friends, so I can come here and be the person that I want to be at my house.
38:13 Speaker 02 Yeah, I do that now. I mean, and a lot of times, I go to the gigs and I watch them, and I have friends that are there. It's just, you know...
38:22 Dr. John Delony? But it's lonely.
38:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, because he's always playing, and we're not actually dancing together.
38:28 Dr. John Delony? Exactly right.
38:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
38:30 Dr. John Delony? Yes. And so, it's you taking ownership and choosing, "I'm not gonna become somebody I don't want to be."
38:40 Dr. John Delony? And in order to create an environment where I can more often than not be the person I want to be, here's what must be true.
38:49 Dr. John Delony? When I go to your gigs, I'm alone.
38:52 Dr. John Delony? "Nuh-uh, Susan's there and Billy's here." I know, but I want to be with you.
39:01 Dr. John Delony? And you need to get a babysitter for your daughter.
39:05 Dr. John Delony? Cause I'm gonna go be with so and so.
39:08 Dr. John Delony? I need somebody here to watch it. I know, you went to court for more time. Cool.
39:14 Dr. John Delony? And on and on and on. Thank you for the call, sister. I think for the first time, I want you to like picture yourself, close your eyes as you start to write and picture yourself growing, standing up tall and growing six feet. See the shadow with your eyes closed come out from your now, you know, 14 foot body or 13 foot body. I want you to grow tall. And then say, as for me, inside my own home, here's who I'm gonna be. Write that stuff down and then invite them in. Here's who I want us to be. Who do you want to be?
39:52 Dr. John Delony? And that's the point of connection. Also hang on the line, I'm gonna give you some, some, the free marriage app. It's one thing you can each do for each other. It's called Together, you can get it in the Apple Store. It's one thing that you can do for each other every day. It'll text you something. And it'll get to learn you over time. What's one thing you can do? Every day. To slowly lean back together and find each other.
40:17 Dr. John Delony? Thanks for the call, sister.
40:19 Dr. John Delony? Man, it's hard. We come back, a man asks if it's fair to tell his partner that he's losing attraction to her. Cause she's been neglecting her health.
40:29 Dr. John Delony? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I want to talk about traditions. Traditions are things you do every week or every year and they can be great or it can be a heavy obligation. The holiday season is a great time to reflect on holiday traditions, the valuable ones and the not so valuable ones. And even the painful ones. Therapy can give you space to think about the old traditions that may not be serving you anymore. And consider how you might create new ones. And if you're thinking about therapy this holiday season, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world. They're Trusted by millions. They have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5.
41:14 Dr. John Delony? And BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change at any time for no extra cost. This month, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash deloney.
41:42 Dr. John Delony? All right, Louisville, Kentucky. Louisville, wo-oh, Kentucky. Let's talk to Jay. What's up, Jay?
41:49 Speaker 03 How you doing today, Dr. John?
41:51 Dr. John Delony? Doing good, brother. How about you?
41:52 Speaker 03 I'm doing just about as good as I could, you know?
41:55 Dr. John Delony? There you go. What's up?
41:57 Speaker 03 Um, I've been dealing with this feeling for a little while now. Um, me and my ladies, uh, one year was just on the first and...
42:10 Dr. John Delony? Oh, your lady. I thought you said ladies plural. And I was like, dang, Gina.
42:13 Speaker 03 Oh, no, no, sir.
42:15 Dr. John Delony? Me and my ladies.
42:17 Speaker 03 No, me and my lady. Um, well, my question is...
42:22 Dr. John Delony? Married or dating?
42:25 Speaker 03 Uh, we are dating. Um, yeah, we've only been together for a year. So, yeah, we're dating.
42:30 Dr. John Delony? You've been dating for a year. Okay, cool.
42:32 Speaker 03 But we do live with each other.
42:33 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
42:34 Speaker 03 And, uh, we moved in very fast. I'd like to mention that. But anyway, my question is, how, not necessarily, yeah, well, I'm losing attraction, John.
42:43 Dr. John Delony? Say it out loud. Just say it. Say it, say it, say it.
42:47 Speaker 03 She eats poorly. She does not take care of her body.
42:51 Dr. John Delony? Is she gaining weight?
42:52 Speaker 03 And I'm losing attraction, of course, John.
42:54 Dr. John Delony? Say it.
42:55 Speaker 03 She has, she has gained weight.
42:56 Dr. John Delony? Okay. How much?
43:00 Speaker 03 Uh, so she's always been a slightly larger lady and I was okay with that. She knows it's different for me. I've always been generally athletic and skinnier ladies. Okay? And, um, so it is new to me. But anyway, she's gained probably 20 pounds, I want to say, maybe 30.
43:19 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So are you losing, are you losing attraction to her because she's a bigger woman? Are you losing attraction to her because the person you started dating early on, you're watching that person?
43:34 Dr. John Delony? Is this a physical thing or is this an emotional thing? Or is it a combination?
43:39 Speaker 03 It's gonna be a both, John.
43:41 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about the emotional part.
43:45 Speaker 03 It's so, it's so upsetting to me, I'll be honest.
43:47 Dr. John Delony? Just let it rip.
43:49 Speaker 03 I know, no.
43:53 Speaker 03 It's just, I can't stand seeing somebody that I love so dearly just neglect themselves. Cause I know what it does, I've seen what it does over time. And I'm, I will say I'm slightly a health buff. I take care of myself, I do, I play sports, I do all this stuff. And I just, I, I would like for her to be able to do the thing with me. And I know it's hard for her to do it. And she doesn't want to do it because she feels embarrassed to do it because of her size. And it's, I don't know how far, how much I can really say in regards to not, kind of vulgarities. It's not very vulgar, vulgar, but you know what I mean? I don't know how far I can say it.
44:38 Speaker 03 But sex is not the same anymore. I, I do enjoy it. I've always enjoyed it and I know she has as well. But it's, I can't, John, this is one of the prettiest women I've ever met and seen in my life. And to see that face and then, I don't, this is gonna sound so terrible, but it's not mean. And that, and that, it's not meant to be derogatory. I'm not trying to be mean. I don't wanna push my lady down ever, but it's just the way I think and it's the way I feel. Um, I just, I can't stand to see her body that way. It bothers me. That's it.
45:23 Dr. John Delony? Is it that you can't stand to see her body that way?
45:29 Dr. John Delony? Because it's now got 20 extra pounds on it? Or is the person that she knows she's becoming? Causes her to shield herself from you, to not be as open with you? To hide from you? And it's, that is creating that cycle where you start to chase and you start to be like, well, you know, if you just, which then sends her to a deeper shame spiral. And for her, the, the false comfort at the bottom of a shame spiral is more food.
45:59 Dr. John Delony? Or is it simply, when I see her now, I'm no longer physically attracted to her?
46:07 Speaker 03 I think it's gonna be the first one. That one definitely hit, almost hit the nail on the head. I don't, uh, she's not, I don't know how to explain it.
46:16 Dr. John Delony? Let me say it like, let me say it like this. Let's take, let's take her off, cause you're, I, I know what you, you're trying to be careful to not say, my girlfriend has gained a bunch of weight and I'm losing attraction to her. Okay?
46:26 Speaker 03 Okay.
46:26 Dr. John Delony? You are not crazy, and I don't think you're an evil person. Okay? You're attracted to who you're attracted to. But what I'm trying to get to the bottom of, that attraction can be very shallow.
46:38 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:38 Dr. John Delony? And if you are a guy, of which there are millions of them, that when their partner ages like a normal body,
46:51 Dr. John Delony? that you're not gonna be content with that aesthetically, I'm gonna tell you to be an honorable person and let this sweet woman go.
46:59 Dr. John Delony? If, cause this is gonna show up with wrinkles, this is gonna show up with gray hairs, this is gonna show up with, with, with pregnancy scars, it's gonna show up all over the place.
47:08 Speaker 03 Absolutely.
47:09 Dr. John Delony? And if that's who you are, then get out of the dating pool. So, how can I help you?
47:19 Speaker 03 Well, we, we have spoken about this, and she's, she is trying to work with me. She wants to go, she's been going to the gym. I just, I don't wanna nitpick, I'm having that issue of, of, because,
47:35 Speaker 03 so just this morning, she texts me, she said, I went and got me a coffee, I deserved it. And my mom, what immediately came to my mind, well, what did you do to deserve it? But then again, I remembered, she's at home, taking care of things that she's not, is not obligated to take care of, things that I happen to mess up at home, and she had, she was taking care of it. So yeah, maybe she deserved it. But I, it's just so conflicting, it's so weird, and I don't know how to wrap my mind about it, uh, around about it. How? I think it's lack of discipline is what is bothering me because that's the way I grew up. That's she grew up very differently. She grew up in a very loosey goosey house.
48:19 Speaker 03 And I grew up in a very strict and um honest and truthful household. And I think a part of it is just being that discipline of saying, hey, I don't need to eat like this. I don't need to drink like this. I don't need to get a coffee every day of every day of the week that, you know, it's not healthy. And it's, I think that's another thing that's bothering me. And I don't want to be like, hey, you don't deserve, you don't deserve that drink. Cause no, that's how she, that's how she'll take it. I just don't know how to voice it to her. Hey, maybe a coffee a day is not healthy.
48:54 Dr. John Delony? Um.
48:55 Speaker 03 Every, no, it's, it's one of these, it's not just a normal coffee, like a normal.
48:58 Dr. John Delony? I know, I got you. It's like those frappuccino things. Yeah, I got you. I got you. I got you. Um, how old are you?
49:03 Speaker 03 I'm 21.
49:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
49:05 Speaker 03 She is 20.
49:06 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
49:08 Dr. John Delony? So this is, I'm going to say this, this is going to sound mean and derogatory. I want you to hear exactly how I'm saying it. Okay?
49:14 Speaker 03 Sure, of course.
49:15 Dr. John Delony? All right.
49:19 Dr. John Delony? You're at the age when you begin to realize a couple of different things.
49:23 Speaker 03 Okay.
49:25 Dr. John Delony? Number one, the way you did Christmas growing up is a way, not the way.
49:32 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:32 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Number two, the same things that you pride yourself on are probably the things that you had to do to survive in your house.
49:47 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
49:48 Speaker 03 Mm hmm. Yeah.
49:49 Dr. John Delony? So the things that you're most proud of that you do, I never miss a workout. I don't, my, my body fat is 6% and I never need a coffee. I would tell you is probably the things that little nine year old kid inside of your chest wishes he could just have an ice cream cone every once in a while.
50:09 Speaker 03 That's exactly it.
50:10 Dr. John Delony? Okay, and so often when there's an exchange, and this is gonna sound dramatic and it's gonna sound like I'm getting all political, I'm not, when you feel yourself feeling powerful, that is often the thing, your body trying to protect you from the thing you're most scared about inside your own chest.
50:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:28 Dr. John Delony? Okay? And so strangely, I would say, thank God y'all found each other. Because I need somebody in my life, like my wife, who keeps a schedule and who pays bills every month. And she needs somebody at nine o'clock to say, hey, I just got tickets last second, we're going to this concert, let's go.
50:56 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's it, man.
51:02 Dr. John Delony? And so, the beauty is, you will never change somebody's health habits if they feel like, um, they're doing it out of a place of shame.
51:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
51:16 Dr. John Delony? Or out of a place of obligation. People will change their health habits when they realize, I am worth feeling good.
51:24 Speaker 03 Yeah. And, John, I've, I've, I will say, I've been on the other end of the spectrum in regards to weight.
51:33 Dr. John Delony? Of course, of course.
51:34 Speaker 03 Now, I've, I used to be overweight.
51:36 Dr. John Delony? That's right. And so, you know, here's the thing, you know the pain that she feels.
51:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:41 Dr. John Delony? And, it sounds hard to hear, she has not asked you for your help.
51:49 Speaker 03 Yeah, I know.
51:51 Dr. John Delony? And there's nothing worse than loving somebody and ha- having the answer in your, in your pocket, right?
52:00 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:01 Dr. John Delony? And they don't want it. The deeper question is, how can I love you today?
52:10 Speaker 03 I love her every day, John.
52:11 Dr. John Delony? I'm not talking about in an ethos.
52:15 Speaker 03 Okay.
52:16 Dr. John Delony? I'm talking about letting her speak into how she wants to be loved.
52:21 Dr. John Delony? And vice versa.
52:22 Speaker 03 Of course.
52:23 Dr. John Delony? And so for you, it's less about, I deserve a Frappuccino, a 1400 calorie drink. That costs nine dollars, we don't have.
52:34 Dr. John Delony? That's not the issue, that's the symptom. The issue is, we don't have a shared purpose with our money.
52:44 Dr. John Delony? We don't have a shared purpose with our health goals.
52:50 Speaker 03 Exactly.
52:51 Dr. John Delony? And so let's get to the bottom of shared purpose, shared values. And I'll also tell you, this is an offensive way to say this, I know.
53:00 Speaker 03 It's okay.
53:00 Dr. John Delony? But when you're 21 and 20 and you're playing house, neither of you have a reason to anchor into the other person.
53:08 Speaker 03 Yes, sir.
53:09 Dr. John Delony? Because you both still have a foot out the door.
53:14 Speaker 03 Yeah, we both spoke about that, actually, the other night.
53:18 Dr. John Delony? And so maybe tonight, you sit down and say, hey, I've talked to you about what you're eating, I've talked to you about the right workout plan, I've talked to you about you need to get out and play sports with me. And I've communicated it to you in a way that makes you think, I think you need to do all that stuff because I think you're fat. And that's wrong.
53:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:38 Dr. John Delony? I miss the spark in the eyes of that girl I met when she was 19.
53:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:44 Dr. John Delony? I miss the girl who was alive and laughing and so full of confidence and beauty radiated from the inside out.
53:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, you put it that way.
53:58 Dr. John Delony? How can I love and find that girl again?
54:04 Dr. John Delony? And maybe if you hold her hands and say, "Honey, I'm gonna love you 60 pounds from now,
54:11 Dr. John Delony? but I want to be a part of finding that girl again, and I think I may have dimmed your light, and I'm sorry."
54:18 Speaker 03 I did, I did, John.
54:20 Dr. John Delony? Okay. You coming at her with that type of honesty and vulnerability, which by the way, no man in your life has ever modeled for you. It's all new.
54:29 Speaker 03 Yeah.
54:29 Dr. John Delony? It's alright.
54:33 Dr. John Delony? But the way you solve problems is with calories and workout plans and activities. Cool.
54:42 Dr. John Delony? For some people, that, that list is just shame on top of shame on top of shame.
54:53 Speaker 03 I agree.
54:55 Dr. John Delony? I get from your voice that you love this girl sideways.
55:04 Dr. John Delony? Is that fair?
55:06 Speaker 03 Beyond that, of course.
55:08 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Number one, let her know that.
55:12 Dr. John Delony? Number two, you get to have seasons of not being attracted to each other. It's life.
55:17 Speaker 03 Of course, of course.
55:19 Dr. John Delony? Number three, if you outsource all that to pornography or something, you're gonna blow your house up.
55:24 Dr. John Delony? Number four,
55:27 Dr. John Delony? take a knee in front of this woman that you love and say, "I messed this up, man."
55:32 Dr. John Delony? "I was trying to tell you I love you with the only tools I have, which are crush it, kill it, and drag it home," and...
55:43 Dr. John Delony? There's another way.
55:45 Speaker 03 Okay.
55:46 Dr. John Delony? "I want you to feel good, and I want to see the light in the eyes of that girl that I fell in love with."
55:56 Dr. John Delony? Will you make a budget with me for God's sakes?
56:01 Speaker 03 She's been haggling to me about doing that.
56:04 Dr. John Delony? Okay, be a grown, be a grown up. If you're gonna play house, be a grown man.
56:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, I know. It's, it's me. That's, that's what I need to do because I mean, I can't lie, I spend more than what I should.
56:14 Dr. John Delony? Well, here's the deal. You ask her, "How can I love you?"
56:19 Dr. John Delony? And then say to her, "I want to tell you how you can love me."
56:24 Dr. John Delony? Be honest. Be reflective. Here's where I need to grow up. I'm playing house. I'm playing big boy. I need to act like one, like a grown man. I need to be a good steward of my money. I need to sometimes just get up and have a frappuccino, for God's sakes.
56:40 Dr. John Delony? I need to sometimes, I need to just go dancing instead of making you go to the volleyball courts. Sometimes I just need to sit on the couch with you and watch a TV show.
56:54 Dr. John Delony? Dude, I just gotta say it, man. I'm proud of you for saying, speaking out loud. You had hard stuff to say, but I'm proud of you for having the courage to say it out loud. And I believe you in your guts, man. This isn't just about aesthetics and attraction. This is about, "I miss the woman I fell in love with and I think I've contributed to dimming her light and I want to not do that anymore." I honor that, my brother. Appreciate you. Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back.
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58:42 Dr. John Delony? deloney to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care that's dutch d u t c h dot com slash deloney use code deloney alright Kelly am I the problem
58:56 Speaker 04 according to the shirt
58:57 Dr. John Delony? no
58:57 Speaker 04 yes you are
58:58 Dr. John Delony? she wears that shirt every day now every day she wears that shirt
59:01 Speaker 04 probably will alright this is from Cindy in somewhere she didn't say alright from Cindy and she writes
59:10 Dr. John Delony? glad you read ahead just producing the crap out of this show good job go ahead
59:16 Speaker 04 what happened to new year new john
59:19 Dr. John Delony? oh it's new year new me I'm no more this nice guy stuff I'm sick I'm sick of it
59:22 Speaker 04 okay alright am I the problem my grown kids and their spouses come over for meals which I love however they stay way too long and way too late am I the problem for wanting to put a time limit on our gatherings
59:36 Dr. John Delony? no you're the problem for not having put a time limit on them and then they stay too long and then you're mad at them for it my wife is the best she's like everyone's out of my house at nine o'clock tonight before they come over and then about eight fifty she goes y'all have 10 minutes left it's awesome and everybody knows it's the best and by the way they probably don't want to stay that long they're probably like ugh whenever I go to my mom's house we have to stay till midnight because she's yes you're the problem say the boundary Ta-da. What do you think?
1:00:06 Speaker 04 I totally agree. Say, "Hey, it's a work night," or whatever. So we're gonna-
1:00:09 Dr. John Delony? "I go to bed at 9. Get out of my house."
1:00:12 Speaker 04 We have one of our girlfriends that we know if we go to her house at a girl's night, we're all gonna be gone by 9.
1:00:17 Dr. John Delony? That's my wife!
1:00:18 Speaker 04 Or she'll just go upstairs, put her pajamas on, go to bed, leave us sitting there. But we all just know that, so...
1:00:23 Dr. John Delony? I've had that. People at my house, I'm like, "Hey, y'all lock up. I'm going to bed." Like, just make sure the door's locked. And they literally stay. They'll just like, "I don't care. I'm going to bed. I'm tired."
1:00:32 Speaker 04 There's a great SNL skit that has, it's about this candle that you light. It's like rotting trash when you're ready for all the people to go home. It's really great.
1:00:44 Dr. John Delony? It's awesome. Yes, just tell people in your life that you love, like, "This is when this is over." And that's fantastic. But you can't, you can't get mad and resent people for boundaries you didn't create, for crossing boundaries you didn't, like, create.
1:01:01 Dr. John Delony? Go to bed, dude. I'd much rather be with somebody who's full in until 9 o'clock than be with somebody who's mad I'm there at 11. Love you guys. Bye.
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