The 'Let Them Theory' Will Change Your Relationships feat. Mel Robbins

We are honored to be joined by Mel Robbins, author of the bestselling, life-changing book The Let Them Theory. We talk to her about the theory and how you can apply it to relationships, daily stress, career goals, and family conflicts to live a more free and authentic life. We discuss dating in depth – confusing behavior from someone early on, what's a true dealbreaker and when to break up, how to know if you're an energy match, what you can and can't change about someone, how to have the DTR talk and stay in your power, and more. Mel coaches us on not letting small stressors (like inconsiderate people in the airport) take our energy, and we also talk about managing our mental health and using our voices in the current political climate. Before she joins us, we're celebrating our 7-year anniversary of the podcast, Ashley gives an update on her roommate, and Rayna reveals why we lose socks in the dryer. Enjoy! Follow Mel on Instagram @melrobbins, listen to her podcast The Mel Robbins Podcast, check out her website, and get her book The Let Them Theory. Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Thank you to our partners this week: Quince: Get free shipping and 365-day returns on your next order at https://quince.com/GGE. Tonal: Get $200 off your purchase at https://tonal.com with code GGE. BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://betterhelp.com/gge. Nutrafol: Get $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping when you subscribe at https://nutrafol.com with code GGE10. Rocket Money: Cancel your unwanted subscriptions at https://rocketmoney.com/gge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  You always have the power. Like, that's the message of the let them theory. You have been giving the power to other people. You have always had it. Nobody can string you along.

• 0:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  This podcast is a Dear Media production.

• 0:27Rayna Greenberg?

  Hi, guys.

• 0:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hi, guys.

• 0:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

• 0:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Seven years running.

• 0:32Rayna Greenberg?

  Seven year anniversary of the podcast.

• 0:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 0:34Rayna Greenberg?

  It started February 13th in a small apartment in the East Village of New York City. How beautiful apartment building.

• 0:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  Someone just texted me and she was like, I'm trying to move back to New York and rents are like so crazy. What was that building you lived in where you stopped paying rent?

• 0:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  I got my rent restabilized, which is one of the most iconic things I've ever done in New York.

• 0:55Rayna Greenberg?

  I didn't even, that's a sentence I've never heard somebody say.

• 0:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Not just selling out the beacon, it was getting my rent restabilized because it was destabilized illegally. I got the rental work. Anyway, you know, it's a long thing, but I did. That was so funny that someone was like, what was that shitty old apartment you lived in?

• 1:08Rayna Greenberg?

  What does somebody live? I want to know. I knew it was in my old apartment in New York on Third Avenue. I wonder who lives in yours.

• 1:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  That building's condemned.

• 1:14Rayna Greenberg?

  That is true. They probably have one of those like termite tents over the whole building.

• 1:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Like you can't get in there. But you know, seven years, hundreds of guests, hundreds of live shows, multiple city moves, multiple apartment moves, studio moves. I mean, to do anything for seven years, like what an incredible honor.

• 1:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  It really feels crazy.

• 1:30Rayna Greenberg?

  It's crazy. And we've lived like 100 lives since then.

• 1:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, like we could have a second grader.

• 1:34Rayna Greenberg?

  A what?

• 1:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  We could have a second grade child.

• 1:38Rayna Greenberg?

  A child. Oh, yeah. Thank God we don't.

• 1:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  If we had birthed a child.

• 1:44Rayna Greenberg?

  We did.

• 1:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  When we started the podcast.

• 1:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Girls Gotta Eat.

• 1:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  She would be in the second grade.

• 1:47Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, she's in the second grade.

• 1:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  That would be crazy.

• 1:49Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, thank you, guys. If you're newer here, we love to have you. If you've been here since day one, we get tons of emails from people that just say, you know, I've listened since the beginning. I've turned my daughter on to this and my family members. I'm a therapist. I've turned my clients on to this. I mean, just what an honor to be able to do this for so many years. We just love you guys.

• 2:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I don't, I feel like, did I prepare anything to say? Like, I don't know. I mean, it's just like Raina said, it is such an honor. I mean, it's like, we have so much fun doing this still, seven years later, or else we wouldn't be doing it. You know, we only do stuff we want to do. I mean, for the most part, and.

• 2:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Unless I'm going to make a lot of money for it.

• 2:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  And we just love it. And it's been such an incredible journey. And the topics we've covered, I mean, I don't know what there is left, but we keep, we keep

• 2:32Rayna Greenberg?

  somehow we find it.

• 2:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  We keep finding stuff and the shows and everything. So we just, thank you guys for everything.

• 2:38Rayna Greenberg?

  And we have a great episode for our seven year anniversary.

• 2:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 2:41Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm so excited. We have Mel Robbins today.

• 2:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Huge.

• 2:44Rayna Greenberg?

  Number one podcast in the country, number one book on Amazon right now. Let Them. So I just, I pored over this book. I loved it so much.

• 2:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 2:51Rayna Greenberg?

  Can't wait to have her.

• 2:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Amazing guest.

• 2:53Rayna Greenberg?

  And, you know, obviously thanks to our team and Tessa and Anna, our editor and Ashley, who are our manager who runs everything for us and not this Ashley, different Ashley. But we are really lucky to have a great team and great partners. So we're gonna thank some of our partners and then get right into it. So thanks to Quince. Get free shipping and 365 day returns on your next order at quince.com/gge. And BetterHelp, get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/gge. And Rocket Money, cancel your unwanted subscriptions at rocketmoney.com/gge.

• 3:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes. And thank you to Tonal. Get $200 off your purchase at tonal.com with code GGE. And Nutriful, get $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you subscribe at nutrafol.com with code GGE10. Okay. So the Eagles won the Super Bowl last night.

• 3:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  If you're hearing this, they did.

• 3:44Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm not laughing because it's not true. I'm just laughing because I didn't expect it.

• 3:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  If they didn't win, you're not going to be hearing this. We're going to cut it. So Anna, keep that in mind.

• 3:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  So congrats to them.

• 3:55Rayna Greenberg?

  How does it feel?

• 3:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  It feels amazing. All my Eagle shirts were dirty. So I'm wearing, it's, I'm still wearing green.

• 4:02Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, I've just realized when you're wearing an Atlanta shirt.

• 4:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's okay. Cause it's not like they played Atlanta.

• 4:07Rayna Greenberg?

  Right. And it's great.

• 4:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Stopped the Chiefs in their tracks.

• 4:09Rayna Greenberg?

  She's shit all over them.

• 4:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Of a three-peat.

• 4:11Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you think Taylor Swift got engaged?

• 4:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Taylor Swift did not get engaged.

• 4:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Really? She's on a losing streak this, this month.

• 4:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 4:18Rayna Greenberg?

  Didn't win one thing at the Grammys. Didn't win the Super Bowl. I mean, that's my girl. Love her so much. She's had a rough month.

• 4:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. She's got to put a Eagle charm on that pussy chain.

• 4:30Rayna Greenberg?

  She lost at bat and had to do that.

• 4:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  No. So yeah, if you're hearing this, congrats to them. I'm sure the Super Bowl party was amazing. So yeah.

• 4:38Rayna Greenberg?

  I am scared about that party. It is in a couple of days. So last night, so Melanie is staying with me and we were pretty drunk and we knocked over an entire bottle of red wine in my all white house.

• 4:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  On what?

• 4:50Rayna Greenberg?

  On my white carpet.

• 4:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh.

• 4:52Rayna Greenberg?

  It exploded onto the white carpet and I was just like, I am afraid for this Super Bowl party.

• 4:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  You're your own worst enemy.

• 4:59Rayna Greenberg?

  Cause that's never happened at a party. No one's ever done that but you. That's true. I am just gonna have like a no red wine rule.

• 5:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 5:06Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't think anybody needs red wine at 3:30 on a Sunday.

• 5:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, Rob's not coming.

• 5:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Rob's not coming. And he's our only friend with red teeth in the middle of the afternoon. I just, I don't think people need to be drinking that. Like, and you guys, people could go home at 7:00 PM when it's over and drink their red wine at home.

• 5:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. So if you guys are listening, it's happened and hopefully Raina's new home survived.

• 5:26Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, I went too hard on like entertainment and liquor last year and I forgot, like I got a beer pong table for like Super Bowl last year, but I was like, people don't need to be entertained during the Super Bowl. Like the Super Bowl is the entertainment. I need to set up a beer pong table.

• 5:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  What you do need is a soundbar. I've been meaning to tell you.

• 5:40Rayna Greenberg?

  No, I remember. Cause last year during the Super Bowl, we had the volume all the way up.

• 5:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it's not good.

• 5:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, stay tuned. I'll let you guys know if I got the soundbar, but I think that was a good idea.

• 5:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, you gotta get a soundbar. So I am announcing my tour today.

• 5:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Yay.

• 5:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  So just gonna let you guys know where I'm coming and then you can go to my website and get tickets if you want to come, but I'll just rattle these off. It is tour announcement day, the Sex Before Marriage Tour. Self-explanatory. I'll be fucking on stage.

• 6:05Rayna Greenberg?

  I love the name so much.

• 6:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, the Sex Before Marriage Tour is gonna kick off April 4th and 5th in Chicago. April 12th, I'll be in Phoenix. May 2nd, Miami. May 3rd, Tampa. May 16th and 17th, Salt Lake City. June 6th and 7th, Pasadena, right here in California. June 27th, 28th, Portland, Oregon. July 11th and 12th, right after my birthday, DC. July 18th and 19th, Toronto, Canada. August 1st and 2nd, Denver. August 6th, LA. I'll be bringing it home. August 14th, Charlotte. August 15th, Atlanta. September 14th, San Diego. And September 19th and 20th, San Francisco.

• 6:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Are you so excited?

• 6:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I was so excited. And there'll be more, you know, like, we're still adding, but that's where it stands for now. And I can't wait. And I can't wait to come see all of you guys. I'm sure Randall will make some cameos. And you can get tickets at ashhes.com.

• 6:58Rayna Greenberg?

  How's that website?

• 6:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Website's good. Yeah. Website's on and poppin'.

• 7:01Rayna Greenberg?

  The tour poster's so cute. It looks like a wedding invite.

• 7:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 7:04Rayna Greenberg?

  It's really cute.

• 7:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Brian did an amazing job. Because we have this designer, and he does, he's done our tour posters for years. He's helped with our cover.

• 7:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, he did our Times Square, our

• 7:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Our billboard.

• 7:12Rayna Greenberg?

  Billboard.

• 7:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, he's helped with the cover art. And I was just like, is wedding invitation gonna be like a blind spot for him? You know, but he just fucking crushed it.

• 7:21Rayna Greenberg?

  No, he's the best.

• 7:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  You know, he sent me one. I was like, no, no. So that's on my Instagram, too. Ashhes. Yeah, so Ashhes on Instagram, ashhes.com, Ashhes everywhere. I got on Blue Sky recently. Ashhes on that. I have no tweets yet. I don't know what they

• 7:32Rayna Greenberg?

  What are they?

• 7:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't know. Do you know, are you on Blue Sky? Tessa, you're not even a good Gen Z. I'm kidding.

• 7:39Rayna Greenberg?

  Speaking of Tessa, I gotta tell you something happened yesterday.

• 7:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 7:44Rayna Greenberg?

  You're gonna die.

• 7:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 7:45Rayna Greenberg?

  As a music lover, as a hip hop lover.

• 7:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 7:48Rayna Greenberg?

  So I don't think it's embarrassing for you. It was a moment that I've never felt so old in my life. So we, I was, we're at this office building, and there's an event space, and we're talking to one of the guys that works here. And he's telling us who's used the event space recently. And it's some, like, pretty cool creators, musicians. And he said Faith Evans was here. Former wife of Biggie.

• 8:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 8:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Who Tupac wrote the song, "You Claim to be a Player, But I Fucked Your Wife." And Tessa's like, I have no idea who that is. And I was like, Faith Evans? She's married to Biggie. And she's like, who?

• 8:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Biggie? Tessa didn't know Biggie? I don't think it's that crazy, Tess.

• 8:26Rayna Greenberg?

  So just hear me out. She was like, that's really before my time. And I, I realized, like, this was the biggest thing in music in my lifetime, the murder of these men, and the back and forth hip hop wars from like, the East Coast and the West Coast. And Tessa was like, I don't know who that is. And I was like, it makes sense. But I was like, I feel so old.

• 8:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  Faith Evans, I'm not mad at you for not knowing that. Like, you know Lil Kim?

• 8:51Speaker 03

  I don't know what the name.

• 8:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, you just don't. Do you know Foxy Brown? No, this is like

• 8:57Rayna Greenberg?

  No!

• 8:58Speaker 03

  Hip hop is also not my genre. Like, that's

• 9:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Tessa likes, like

• 9:02Speaker 03

  I like dad rock.

• 9:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it's like Steely Dan.

• 9:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Tessa does them like old rock. This was

• 9:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Tessa knows more old rock than we do, probably.

• 9:11Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't think it's embarrassing for her. I just felt really, it was, I don't have a lot of moments in my life where I'm like, that was really a huge moment in my life and people today don't know what that is. It hasn't happened a lot to me.

• 9:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, but like, I felt like that with people from the really early eighties. I didn't really know all that, you know, like a few years before I was born, which is even like, you know, late seventies, early eighties, I just even mid eighties, you know, I just was like, I don't know, like I didn't know much about like Grandmaster Flash or like Sugar Hill Gang, you know, like I know who they are.

• 9:45Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, to me, this was like such a big deal. I will say also, hearing like Faith Evans performed here in Venice at this, it's out of context for me.

• 9:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 9:53Rayna Greenberg?

  It took me a second too, to be like, wait, Faith, she's still doing it?

• 9:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Have you seen The Defiant Ones, Tessa? You should watch The Defiant Ones. It's like my favorite documentary of all times, like Jimmy Iovine, but it's like so much of that and like so much of the East Coast, West Coast, like Biggie Tupac Rap feud, but also like Tom Petty and Stevie Nicks. It's like this whole musical evolution through time and then it kind of culminates with Jimmy Iovine and Beats by Dre and it's just like the best documentary ever made. It's like my favorite.

• 10:22Rayna Greenberg?

  It's on HBO. It's amazing. We had his daughter Jade Iovine on the show a couple of years ago. So anyways, I was excited to tell you that because it was really a moment where I was like, okay, she is younger than me. She really, really is. So what else is up?

• 10:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  So I have a roommate now.

• 10:37Rayna Greenberg?

  How's that going?

• 10:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  So my fiance moved in, what, at this point, five days ago? And it's been so wonderful. I mean, I knew that it would be, but I feel like it's like plot twist. I do like living with a man, you know, I mean, specifically him, but it's just, I mean, obviously we've been together for a long time. We spent a lot of time together, but I think my favorite part is like, I don't have to say goodbye to him, you know, like it would always be. You know, with the exclusion of some longer trips or a vacation like on a Sunday night or a Monday morning, we have to part ways and it's so sad. And we had this really fun weekend or long weekend or whatever it is. And then it's like this come down, you have to say goodbye. And it's just now this feels like really stable, like especially just where

• 11:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm at, where we're at right now in the world and my personal like mental health. It's like this is really stabilizing and like a great balance as opposed to like the ups and downs of being a long distance relationship.

• 11:31Rayna Greenberg?

  It is interesting. I mean, it will just sort of like normalize the interactions a little more. And like, I know that you get so excited to see him.

• 11:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 11:39Rayna Greenberg?

  But the come down at the end of that is so disappointing. I didn't really think about like now you really just, you just get to stay excited and you do a fun thing and then you get to go home together, you know, you don't have to have those like lows of like, man, this sucks.

• 11:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 11:52Rayna Greenberg?

  To like wrap up such a fun, special time with a loss.

• 11:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right, exactly. And I am going to bed earlier. I feel so well rested. I mean, it still hasn't been that long, but you know, even the weekends, I don't know, we were in bed before 12 or 1, but like last time we got into bed at 10:30.

• 12:11Rayna Greenberg?

  That's really early for you.

• 12:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's crazy for me.

• 12:12Rayna Greenberg?

  Holy shit. That's like my time.

• 12:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  I've had these gummies. I slept so hard. I was like, this is the new me. Like I was probably asleep by 11.

• 12:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Look out, world.

• 12:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. And then like up at 7:45.

• 12:23Rayna Greenberg?

  You texted me crazy early this morning.

• 12:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's, this is so good for my, my mental health.

• 12:28Rayna Greenberg?

  You're welcome to my life.

• 12:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  My overall health.

• 12:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Welcome to my life.

• 12:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. You know, I think it's funny that studies prove that when men live with the woman, like it helps their health and their happiness extends their life.

• 12:38Rayna Greenberg?

  Everything improves.

• 12:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like I'm the man. I'm like a woman who really needed to live with a person to kind of stabilize them and like balance them out a little bit. But I've just, I've really loved it so far. And it was nice to have him here over the weekend and not feel the pressure to make plans and dinner reservations. I mean, I don't feel pressured by him, but you know, when he would come here, I would want to have at least dinner reservations. I mean, I want to maximize our time in LA and like do fun stuff. And we obviously spent plenty of time in our relationship and whatever city it was, like laying around with no plans, but I at least would make like dinner reservations. So it was the first weekend, which granted, he's moving some stuff in and we had to prioritize that, but where we. Really didn't have any plans and we just went with the flow. We met up with friends.

• 13:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  I had some friends in town who were here for the Grammys, so we had day drinks with them and, you know, went out that night and met some people and just played the whole weekend by ear. And that just felt like a normal, natural thing to do. And we've seen a couple wedding venues now at this point. And so I feel like we're close to making our final decision. And, you know, he's so easygoing, but we're like really aligned on what we want. And so I hope we're like within probably like a week of like figuring out which one it's going to be. We've seen two. We're going to see two more.

• 13:48Rayna Greenberg?

  It just must feel so nice to just kind of like not have these downs at the end of an up.

• 13:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 13:54Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, I'm like really happy for you guys. It's been a long time. And of course, there's a lot of pressure to like, we only see somebody every two weeks. And sometimes it was three weeks. This time was a month. Like, there's a lot of pressure to like make it an event and do a lot of fun stuff. And now you can, now you can stop doing that. No, I'm just kidding.

• 14:10Rayna Greenberg?

  No, but I said-

• 14:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Now you can just be you and do nothing. No, you are the queen of making plans. So you'll continue to do it. The whole thing. But I mean, I said last night, I was like, let's do our date night every week at least. Like, obviously, we'll go out on the weekends, we'll go to dinners and stuff. But I was like, at least like, I think a Wednesday is great to like break up the week and have something to look forward to where hot take, whatever, you just pick a new restaurant or go do some activity. And so I like that too. And it's just been nice.

• 14:34Rayna Greenberg?

  Let me know if we're gonna do Wednesdays.

• 14:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  All three of them?

• 14:40Rayna Greenberg?

  I wanted to like come over and bring him like a welcome gift, but then I was like, I'll just let him have their first weekend by himself.

• 14:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm loving it so far.

• 14:47Rayna Greenberg?

  I said to you years ago, because you were like, living with a man is so terrible. And I was like, you will find somebody. I wish we could find it. Because I was like,

• 14:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 14:53Rayna Greenberg?

  You will find your version of enjoying that. I've lived with three men. I loved it.

• 14:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 14:58Rayna Greenberg?

  There's not a lot of men I would want to live with, but the ones I've been in love with, I've had nothing but really good experiences in that realm.

• 15:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  But he does make- My life easier, like he lightens the load, like we, we share the responsibilities. Like, well, you know, maybe somebody cooks, somebody cleans, or we both cook, we both clean. And this is not just like new, brand new information. We spent, you know, almost two years together at this point. I know how we kind of divvy up responsibilities and how we both like to clean and keep things and stuff like that. But like, it would be really difficult to be with somebody who made your life harder, which I think is what a lot of women deal with. Like, they have another person in the house, they have double the amount of whatever, clothes, dishes, mess, and then they don't help you.

• 15:37Rayna Greenberg?

  People think being single is a fate worse than death. I think that being with a person that you also have to raise on top of what you're doing is actually a fate worse than death. And I won't like pick on the one, but I've lived with three men, two of them were pretty high functioning and helped me around the house. And one of them is just like, I felt like I just had to do everything for him. And it was just like, I don't want somebody that turns me into this awful version of myself where I'm like nagging everybody all the time. Like, could you just put some water in the dishes if you're not going to do them? Like, we've talked about this before, but you should, you should feel entitled to live with somebody who's going to lighten the load and make things easier and not make things another job for you.

• 16:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, that's the thing. Like, my life got easier and it's great, right? Like, instead of harder, you know?

• 16:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 16:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  So, it's, you know, I'm into it. I'm loving it.

• 16:23Rayna Greenberg?

  Cheers to all the partners that lighten the load and make your life more easier. Cause I think that it is compromise and it's tough moving in with somebody and, you know, you have to alter a lot of things about your life, but hopefully it is somebody that you want to do those things for and that makes your life better. And, I mean, I have a roommate right now, Mellie's staying with me, and she just, she couldn't be better. This morning, she got up before I got up, she replaced all the water, our water bottles that she drank. She, I mean, she really knocked that bottle of wine over, not me.

• 16:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, it comes out.

• 16:50Rayna Greenberg?

  And she, I didn't, I didn't knock it over, she knocked it over. She went and got OxiClean, she scrubbed it out of my carpet this morning. She brought us donuts for our first day at work.

• 16:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, I know, it's so nice.

• 16:59Rayna Greenberg?

  I woke up and she had just done all this stuff in the house and I'm like, that's the bar.

• 17:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 17:03Rayna Greenberg?

  That's the standard.

• 17:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. So. I mean, I think there are certainly some relationships where, I mean, I had to generalize this much, but you know, if you have a man that works a ton and makes all the money and maybe his partner doesn't, I mean, there's so many different types of setups where everything really does fall on her, you know, is that there's kids, you know, but all the like cooking, cleaning, like, there's really not that shared responsibility. And I think, I think that would be tough, but it's also like, that's the setup you signed up for. I mean, He and I both work, you know, we don't have kids, like we got a good thing going.

• 17:41Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, in every relationship, you like sign, there is a negotiation and you sign up on a contract. Like every relationship does and you know, if you don't work and your husband makes all this money, probably the contract between the two of you is that you clean and you cook and you take care of the kids. And I mean, I think that is how it is. And you know, we have other friends who like, he works a ton and she works a ton and she doesn't want to clean, so they hire a maid that cleans their house. And like, that's the deal. Like, we're gonna spend money on this.

• 18:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 18:07Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm not gonna come home and also do dishes on the top of the fact that we both work the same amount.

• 18:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I've, I've always felt like that. Like, I mean, if you can't afford to have someone come like, clean and it's a point of contention in their relationship, then take that conflict off the table. But I mean, pick up your socks, right? You know?

• 18:23Rayna Greenberg?

  Totally.

• 18:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's not what I'm dealing with, but.

• 18:25Rayna Greenberg?

  He picks up his socks?

• 18:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, for the most part.

• 18:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 18:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  I feel like socks are this thing. That like every woman is like, why are there socks? And why are they here? And why? Like, they just keep appearing.

• 18:37Rayna Greenberg?

  I, my socks keep appearing and they're all over my house.

• 18:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I have one of your socks.

• 18:41Rayna Greenberg?

  When we did the laundry together, some of our socks got intertwined.

• 18:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  You were like, I'm missing one of my socks. My mom gave me that sock. Like, it was your special sock.

• 18:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  The way you said it to me, like you're dying mother and giving it to you. Did we already talk about this?

• 18:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  It was so dusty and covered in hair too, like falling apart. Like, your mom had died or something. Covered in air. No, Raina, because every Christmas, my mom gets me some like, really cozy sleep socks. They're like fuzzy.

• 19:14Rayna Greenberg?

  Cause you sleep in socks.

• 19:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I loved those, especially loved those ones. They were like very soft. Like, every year, there's one or two pairs of my stocking.

• 19:22Rayna Greenberg?

  If you can find them under the hair, they are soft.

• 19:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  They do grab a lot of his little hair and they're white. So when we were together in San Diego, one like must've got wrapped up in your laundry. And so I was like, hey,

• 19:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  I was like, hey, do you have that sock? Like to ask someone like, hey, you have that sock? And you were like, what? I was like, my mom, my mom gave me that sock.

• 19:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  You roasted me so hard. And then when I came over to your house, my feet were cold. You were like, well, you can go upstairs and get your special sock that your mom got.

• 19:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, at first you said it. I was like, I'm not going to challenge her on this one. It's a hard week. LA is on fire. I'm not going to make fun of her on top of that. But then when you asked for it again, then I was like, now's my moment to shine.

• 20:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  But do you feel me on socks just disappear? I've never understood this. This is not a hot take.

• 20:10Rayna Greenberg?

  I'll explain it to you.

• 20:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  You will?

• 20:12Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I will. And also, I thought you were saying like, do you feel me on gifts from your mom? Which in which case, no. So some, if you take like the vent off the back of a dryer, there are socks in it. Like socks don't just like magically disappear. Like some of them have like a vent, it gets sucked into it. So it actually is in the back of the dryer.

• 20:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  What?

• 20:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 20:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't know if I have a, I'll have to check my dryer, but I've always thought this was an insane thing. Like I purposely put, I don't know, six, 12 socks, six pairs. And like, when they come out of the dryer, I'm, I'm missing some.

• 20:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. So sometimes, some of them actually do get sucked into the back of the dryer. Like if you took the vent in the back off the dryer, they would be in there.

• 20:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 20:50Rayna Greenberg?

  I love that.

• 20:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Or like sometimes-

• 20:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Is this a conspiracy theory?

• 20:55Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. So you know the filter that you pull up, you like clean off the filter? I guess there's some, I guess some, no, I guess some people like forget to put the filter back in. And then that is a hole, a gaping hole into the back of your dryer.

• 21:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. There you go. I solved it. Let us know in the comments.

• 21:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, let's just stop talking shit and get into it with Mel. I mean, we're so excited for her. So-

• 21:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  All right. Well, we'll thank a couple of partners and then we'll just get right into it with her.

• 21:18Rayna Greenberg?

  All right. Quince, I, I just renovated my house. Now it's time to move on to my wardrobe. And you know, I love Quince so much. I wear it all the time to record. They have so many good pieces. It's my go-to for luxury essentials at affordable prices. So I go in there for like bags, belts. I, you know, I love their sweaters. Ashley and I are obsessed with the Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They start at $50. It's, they have washable silk tops and dresses. They have tons of sizes and colors. They even have like 24 karat gold jewelry. I have just bought so much of this. I probably have that cashmere sweater in the button down, the turtleneck, the crew neck. I have it in every style and like three colors of each. It's my go-to for the podcast.

• 21:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's taking over. Like I volunteered last week and she was like, we were both like, is that Quince? Is that Quince? Like I was wearing the, my black cashmere, like the more fitted version and she had on like the baggier version. I was like, I gotta get that baggier version. You know, like it's just, everybody's obsessed. I mean, it's so good.

• 22:11Rayna Greenberg?

  I love this website so much. So you guys can check it out. All of their items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands and they partner directly with top factories to cut out the cost of the middleman and they only work with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing. We love to see it. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with Quince. Go to quince.com/gge for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com/gge to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com/gge.

• 22:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. So I am telling you guys about Tonal. This is like the coolest thing. Like I feel like this is going to solve all your issues you may have with like working out. If you don't have time, you want to do it at home, but you don't know what to get. You don't have a lot of space. So this is going to be the convenience of having an at-home gym 24/7. So if you guys aren't familiar, I really just encourage you to go to the website to kind of picture what I'm talking about, but it is equipment essentially and it doesn't take up a lot of space and it is going to really be an at-home gym with all different types of exercises you can do using your own body weight and weights and whatever body part you want to work out, you know, your legs, your arms, your abs, and you're going to get the maximum benefit in the time that you have. So that's what Tonal is built for.

• 23:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  Tonal's at-home strength training system uses adaptive weight to learn from your movement and set the optimal weight for every move. So it is really going to work with you to optimize your workout. It's the world's smartest workout that effortlessly fits into the busiest lifestyle. And with the latest iteration, Tonal 2, you can ensure your workout is more tailored and effective than ever. I mean, this is just like the smartest workout you could possibly do to be super effective. I mean, a lot of people spin their wheels and like, what kind of workout's going to be best for me and my body? And this is going to figure it out for you. It adjusts in one-pound increments with adaptive weight that now goes up to 250 pounds. Challenging even the most advanced users to push their limits and they have HIIT workouts too. So you're going to get these heart pumping cardio and strength workouts and there is a built in smart view leverages a high resolution camera that lets you see yourself during your

• 24:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  workout. I mean, I like to work out if I can like see myself in the mirror, you know, like not always, but like

• 24:11Rayna Greenberg?

  Always for me.

• 24:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. Like you want to like see what you're doing, see your form even, I mean, or just check yourself out. So it's going to analyze your movements and provide real time coaching, just like a personal trainer. I'm so, so I cannot, like, who came up with this? Like, it's so genius. I mean,

• 24:25Rayna Greenberg?

  It's amazing. It's a space saver. I love it.

• 24:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, exactly. So even if you have a small space, you can put it up and it's going to be on a wall, but part of it like folds down. Again, I really just don't want to like, explain it wrong. You guys just have to get on it and see it and then you can have this bench and everything that you could possibly do all one workout and you can get excited about it. And again, it's going to work with your body to give you the most effective workout. So, right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your Tonal purchase with promo code GGE. That's tonal.com and use promo code GGE for $200 off your purchase. That's tonal.com promo code GGE for $200 off.

• 25:01Rayna Greenberg?

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• 25:44Rayna Greenberg?

  for you. So you don't have to think about it. They could even help negotiate lower bills for you. And Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features. Cancel unwanted subscriptions and reach your finance goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com/GGE today. That's rocketmoney.com/GGE. Rocketmoney.com/GGE.

• 26:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, let's get into it.

• 26:11Rayna Greenberg?

  All right, guys, we are so excited to welcome an amazing guest today. She is the creator and host of the award-winning show, The Mel Robbins Podcast, one of the most successful podcasts in the world, and a number one New York Times bestselling author. She has amassed 25 million followers online and is considered one of the most sought-after experts in life improvement, mindset, and behavioral change. Her books have been translated into 50 languages and include the number one New York Times, number one Amazon, number one Audible bestselling Let Them Theory, which is out. Now, please welcome to the show Mel Robbins.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  Not bad for a person who fucked up her 20s, 30s, and 40s.

• 26:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, I think about me. I was like, no, I didn't, Mel.

• 26:49Speaker 00

  Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

• 26:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  We gotta hear about it.

• 26:52Speaker 00

  I needed to make the color of the book green because I was a walking red flag for most of my life.

• 26:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  I hear all green flags.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  A whole new era.

• 27:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  I gotta tell you, I love the color of the book. I love pink, but I can't have any more pink books in my house. It's just, I'm so glad this is not another pink book, so.

• 27:08Speaker 00

  I have to give props. By the way, thank you for saying that, Ash. I've already shrunk your name. I'm sorry. Let me.

• 27:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, we're besties. I really felt that.

• 27:16Speaker 00

  My daughter Sawyer and I are absolutely obsessed with Akatar, A Court of Thorn and Roses.

• 27:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm obsessed with it. If I see anybody with it, I will, I'll stop them on the street.

• 27:27Speaker 00

  Okay, so, do you listen to the dramatic audio?

• 27:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  No.

• 27:31Speaker 00

  Oh, it is.

• 27:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Who does the audio?

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 27:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  Is it so sexy?

• 27:35Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, oh. All I can say is it is actors and sound effects.

• 27:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like different actors. There's a lot of sex in the book.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  It is fairy porn. All I can say is, in my dreams, the actor who plays Rusand is constantly talking to me. It is, oh, it is a whole different experience. And so, the Let Them Theory green was inspired by the second Akatar cover.

• 28:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my God.

• 28:04Speaker 00

  In terms of the green, it's sort of more of a minty toothpaste green on the Akatar, but that is the reason why we picked green. And everyone's like, green's a bad luck in publishing. I'm like, I don't give a shit.

• 28:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, get out of here with that.

• 28:15Speaker 00

  So stupid.

• 28:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. You're like, I guess not anymore.

• 28:18Speaker 00

  Yes, yes. Well, thank you. Thank you. I'm glad. So what did you like about it? What do you like about, what did you like about reading it?

• 28:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  So, I love your. Started from the bottom story.

• 28:27Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 28:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, I love a strong start of like, I was at my lowest low, and this is what got me out of bed. I mean, I love personal stories. Like, we're storytellers. So I love how the first time you heard someone say, let them, with your son's prom. And today, we'll talk about the other side of let them.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  And we'll get into it, but when you kind of talk about let them, it kind of means like, fuck them. And there's another side to that, because you can't just say fuck everybody. You'll be alone in the world.

• 28:54Speaker 00

  Right.

• 28:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Big time for me was the stress. So I really let things get to me, especially when traveling. So I think the thing that spoke to me the most in your whole book was that guy behind you coughing.

• 29:07Speaker 00

  Okay, so put us at the scene.

• 29:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  So you're on a plane.

• 29:09Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  And a man behind you was coughing, open mouth. Mel, I cannot, this, this has been ruining my life. And I feel like we noticed it more since COVID.

• 29:19Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  People are raw dog in the air coughing.

• 29:23Speaker 00

  Yes. And when that happens, do you do that thing where you sort of imagine the molecules from their mouth floating through the air toward you?

• 29:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes. And I'm sitting there with so much anger.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  Yes. And here's another question. If the person coughing behind you is actually with their wife, do you get mad at her for not like smacking? Yeah, put your hand over his mouth.

• 29:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. And I'll even talk to the person next to me on the plane, like, can you believe this shit? And I was sitting next to this guy, he was like, I gotta tell you, I'm not even a big mask person, but these people need to be wearing masks. I'm like, thank you.

• 29:58Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  But that really spoke to me because I consider myself a little bit of an airport vigilante.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  Now, why do you make it your job to actually police what's happening at the airport? What's like, how people crowd the gate? The fact that people, you know, like, what are the things that bother you at the airport?

• 30:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm not like policing everybody at the gate. But for an example, and Raina knows this, I was in the Sky Lounge, and there was this man on a full volume FaceTime.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  Oh, without the headphones?

• 30:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Without, so, and it was so loud, and everyone was looking. And that day, I felt like it was my responsibility to just be like, this is really

• 30:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Loud.

• 30:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:39Rayna Greenberg?

  And I just leaned down and I said, that's so loud. And he goes, oh, I'm, I'm sorry. And he like, turned it down.

• 30:46Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 30:47Rayna Greenberg?

  And like, got his headphones out.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  Great.

• 30:49Rayna Greenberg?

  In that moment, I was able to rectify the situation, but sometimes you can't do that and you can only control your own reaction to it.

• 30:55Speaker 00

  So let's unpack both of these. Because I actually, these are excellent examples of the power of this theory and why dumb situations like that actually matter. So the theory, in case you're watching or you're taking the time to listen to this and you don't know what we're talking about, it's a simple mindset tool that helps you immediately identify in life what's in your control and what's not. And the important thing to understand is anytime you try to control something that you can't control, it actually creates stress for you. So the important thing to understand is that anytime you try to control something like traffic, or how long the line is taking, that you can't control, it just creates unnecessary stress and frustration for you. And we all do it because we have a hardwired need to be

• 31:38Speaker 00

  in control. It's what makes you feel safe. Like, I need to feel like I'm in control of my time, my decisions, what I'm gonna eat. But here's the problem. If either one of you do something that pisses me off, or worries me, or makes me feel sad or hurt, or I feel like I know better for you, your behavior now makes me feel like my life's a little out of control.

• 31:59Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. And I hate that feeling where I'm like, I was having a good day. I woke up positive, excited, ready to take, and, and someone came in here and fucked it up for me.

• 32:08Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 32:08Rayna Greenberg?

  And I'm the only person that loses here because

• 32:11Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 32:11Rayna Greenberg?

  I, I loved what you wrote in the book, which is that no one's, no one's coming to save you.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  No, but you keep allowing other people's drama, BS, opinions and expectations and inconsiderate behavior to actually impact you and drain your energy and stress you out.

• 32:27Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 32:27Speaker 00

  And so there's a different way to go through life. Because the truth is, yeah, somebody can come in and act a certain way, and now it becomes your problem. But the fact is, and we've all lost sight of this, that other people don't actually have to impact you.

• 32:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Right, totally.

• 32:41Speaker 00

  Your, your power's not in the coughing dude. It's not in the, the person that's playing the thing too loud. Your power is in how you respond to it. And so first, I want to tell you what you did correct. So in the situation that we've all been in, where you literally are in a public space and somebody is on a FaceTime call or they're watching a video and it is high volume and they're talking really loud and you're like, can this idiot? And you start to notice yourself getting annoyed. Here's how you use the let them theory. The first thing you do is you say, let them.

• 33:09Speaker 00

  Let them. And when you say let them, you're not just allowing somebody to do something. You're recognizing, this dude's already playing this stuff this loud. It's already happening. The person's already open mouth coughing. Right? The person's already treating me like garbage. It's already down. It's already happening. So let them. Because when I say let them, I recognize I can't control what this other person is doing.

• 33:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 33:34Speaker 00

  And I'm not going to allow it to drain my energy or stress me out. But then you say the second part of the theory, and this is the more important part, which is let me. Let me remind myself that I can only control three things in life, and only three. What I think about this, what I do or don't do, and what I do in response to how I feel about it. And in the first example, what you did is you let him do the volume. You kind of looked around. You noticed the stress was rising. And then you did the let me part, where you say, let me choose how I'm going to respond. And the only thing I would say to consider next time is, instead of pointing out what they're doing, I would just say, excuse me, could you just turn that down a little? It'd be really awesome. Thanks.

• 34:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 34:20Speaker 00

  And like, because when you say, you know how loud that is? It's sort of that you run the risk of them going, huh?

• 34:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  I do have to say the tone was gentle.

• 34:29Speaker 00

  Okay, good.

• 34:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I also will say, I don't feel the need to do this every time. Like, sometimes I move away. I don't, I'm not just out here policing everyone's behavior. I need to make it clear. But I am an extra irritated person by people's inconsiderate behavior. And I know that about myself.

• 34:44Speaker 00

  But you don't, you don't have to actually live your life that way.

• 34:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  And here's what you also pointed out, which is genius, is that you always have power because you can choose how to respond. You can go over to that person. You can text the person that you have seen on three dates, who now has not responded. You can blow up their phone like some sort of psycho idiot, right? Or you can say, "Let me choose how I'm going to respond to this," and you can choose not to respond.

• 35:12Rayna Greenberg?

  So I think for me, and for a lot of people, what I got from this book, and I was excited that you put this out into the world, is through this podcast for the last seven years, I've definitely taken on this like, "If somebody doesn't want to text me back, that's okay. If somebody doesn't want to show up the way that they want to, that's okay. We're all human. People are going to change when they want to change." People have always said, "What did you learn the most from this podcast for the last seven years?" And I always say, "It's let me de-escalate dating, where I'm just like, if somebody wants to act as..." I'm not going to fill their phone screen up with a, "Who do you think you are?" But I think it's hard to feel like somebody... It's different than the airport example. It's somebody knows me, they've met me, they know what I stand for, and they've chosen to treat me shitty.

• 35:47Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 35:47Rayna Greenberg?

  And you want to say to that person, "You have judged me wrong, you are treating me wrong, this is not acceptable." And I think this book is very much what I've tried to do for a while, which is like, I don't need to blow up on people and be like, but you don't need waving your finger and filling their phone full of, you know, "This is how you behave." Just let them do what they're going to do.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  But see, here's why this is so important. The reason why it's so important, and this is where we go so sideways in relationships, is the reason why this is important is because people's behavior tells you the truth about what their priorities are and where you stand in those priorities. And it's your refusal to look at behavior as black and white and see someone's behavior as the actual truth about where you stand. Like, it's the problem that you get into in dating, I think, especially in the early days, is you're in a relationship with the fantasy in your head, you're making excuses for behavior that you wouldn't tolerate, and it's frankly, not that attractive. And you are literally dating the potential.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  Because the bottom line is that if somebody is interested in you, they will make time for you. If somebody wants to see you, they will actually make plans with you. Have you ever noticed that it's only the people that weren't interested that confused you? But here's the thing. If you look at their behavior in the rearview mirror, it's not confusing. Yes, what's confusing you is the fantasy that you're creating in your mind that if, oh, only if I just, I'm near them more, oh, if I dress a certain way, if I send a text at 8 o'clock versus 3 o'clock, then somehow that's, no, no, no, no, no, no. You are now confusing yourself. And so you need to let people be who they are. You need to let people reveal. Are you a priority? Are you not?

• 37:32Speaker 00

  Is this behavior that they are showing you, is this attractive to you? Or are you settling? Like, instead of going, this is confusing to me, ask yourself, is this actually attractive to you? That this person only texts you when they're drunk? Yes. Is this attractive to you? That the person wakes up at 6:30 and sneaks out of your apartment like they're embarrassed to be there with you? And you're calling this, I think I'm falling in love with you? He's not the problem. You are. Because you're the one that's taking something that's very clear, because if this was happening to a good friend of yours, you would be like, you're an idiot. They are literally sleeping all over the place. They only text you when you're in town. You are the rebound. You know it. You're in a fantasy. It's your refusal to see it. And look, this isn't easy.

• 38:17Speaker 00

  Because you start to get all your emotions and your hopes up. And, you know, as much as there are lots of people that enjoy being single, like, at the end of the day, you still want to be with somebody. You know, you weren't put on the planet to be somebody's wife or your husband, but it's certainly fun to have plans on the weekend. It's fun to have somebody that cares about you. And so, it's not the desire for love. It's not the desire to have a great partner that's the issue. The issue is that we get so overwhelmed by the desire that we accept less than we deserve. And we're doing it to ourselves. And so it's super important, especially when you're dating. You're an adult. You get to choose how much time and energy you put into something.

• 39:01Speaker 00

  If you're enjoying yourself, and you love going on lots of dates, and you love, like, having sex, and you love not putting on a label on it, amazing. Great. But own your part of it. Stop blaming what's not working on the other person, because you keep showing up for it. And so let them, and let me, helps you understand what's on their side. Versus, "Let me remind myself, I get to choose what I think about this behavior. I get to choose what I do and don't do." And you can leave any date, anytime you want. You can leave any relationship or text chain, anytime you want. You can leave any dynamic with you and somebody else, anytime you want. And that's important to remind yourself.

• 39:42Speaker 00

  And so, I want to talk about this thing that happens that's scary in relationships, because you're going to be in that stage, just own it, where you're out. And understand that dating isn't about meeting somebody. Dating is about discovering what you like and don't like. And the faster that you say, "No, this is unattractive," or "This doesn't work for me," or "I'm now wishing that, oh, if only you lost a little weight, if only you weren't kind of stubborn and a dick, oh, if only, like, you did this." I'm not talking about skills. People can learn how to pick up after themselves. People can learn how to be, you know, put the toilet seat down. I'm talking about the things that actually matter at their core.

• 40:18Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes, and I love what you write about, like, not letting somebody's own issues and their behaviors dictate how you're going to be treated.

• 40:26Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 40:26Rayna Greenberg?

  And erode your boundaries of how you want to be treated in a relationship, and saying to yourself, "I just don't like this, and this is not attractive."

• 40:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:33Rayna Greenberg?

  And it's not like deeper than that.

• 40:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:34Rayna Greenberg?

  It's not, "Let me do less, accept less, try harder, give you more, and reframe what I deserve."

• 40:42Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 40:42Rayna Greenberg?

  And I think that we do have to let people be people. I mean, there are beginning stages of relationships where you're like, we're just, we're learning who each other is. This is a dance, it's navigating, it's compromise. But there's a difference between compromising and just giving up your beliefs about how you should be treated.

• 40:57Speaker 00

  Absolutely, and I think that the thing that's amazing about this, so I've been married 28 years, but saying, "Let them," especially in the beginning stages of a relationship, actually creates the space for actual love and commitment to happen, because you're learning from the beginning to let the person be who they are and who they're not. And you are then having to ask yourself, can I choose this person as they are and as they're not?

• 41:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I think, I mean, you posed that question of, right now, if nothing else changed, would you want to be with this person? And we get messages all the time, like, should I break up with my partner? Like, I can't decide. And I think you really put it into perspective, and you have a, what, A, B, C, D, E method?

• 41:38Speaker 00

  Well, actually, for this, here's what I'm going to tell you. First of all, assume you can't actually change their behavior.

• 41:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 41:43Speaker 00

  Let's just assume you're in a situation where you're with somebody, and they just are never going to work out. Or they're not that ambitious. Or they are very kind of stubborn when you bring something up. Just, you need to assume this is who this person is. And then, I want you to look at the research. Because what's interesting about the research is, it's very, very clear that 80% of the things that you kind of are annoyed about, or you struggle with, with the person that you're with, they're never actually going away. Ever. And so, you have to ask yourself, is the issue a deal breaker for me? And there's research on how you can know.

• 42:28Speaker 00

  The issue is a deal breaker if staying with this person requires you to give up on a dream, or a vision, or a fundamental value that you have. And a really big one is, do you want to have kids or not?

• 42:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally.

• 42:47Speaker 00

  And so, there's a lot of people out there, like, well, I'm not really sure. Well, you should get sure if this is something that you want. Do not be in a relationship. I have a best friend that stayed with somebody for a decade, being in the, knowing I want kids, and hoping they will change. And then, all of a sudden, she's like, I, I, I know I want kids, and ends the relationship. And then, three months later... He's with somebody and she's pregnant and that was that. Oh my god, I like felt out my body. And so, and she doesn't have kids. And so the death, like missed the window. And he does, which is crazy. Yes, and he didn't want them. That's a tough one, yeah. Didn't want them, didn't want them with you. Right, yeah. That is one of those moments where if you have to give up on your dream of living in Los Angeles, if you have to give up on your dream of living close to your parents,

• 43:32Speaker 00

  if you have to give up on your dream of having massive ambition and touring or building a global career, then this is going to be the thing that kills your relationship because that's a deal breaker. Because to be with this person, you have to give up on something that matters to you, which means that person is going to become the reason why you resent and regret this for the rest of your life. And so, deal breakers are things that are fundamental. And the other irritating crap, here's how you know. Can you stop bitching about this to your friends? Oh, okay.

• 44:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. Okay. Can we define, can you stop? Yeah. We love talking shit. I mean, I guess I could. Yes, do I want to. Right. But there's the bitching, but then there's the bitching that is actually throwing the person under the bus. Okay. Do you see what I mean? Like, there's like the, there's the stress valve that we all do with friends. Light-hearted. And then there's that like, kind of grinding thing that happens that you know this is actually a big issue, but you can't talk to your partner about it. And so, things are deal breakers because you actually do care about this issue. And so, I'll, I'll give you some examples. Because I think what also happens, especially in this day and age, is that there's always this tendency, if you're with somebody, and it's not the fucking fantasy. They're not bringing you flowers all the time. Sex isn't that great.

• 44:58Speaker 00

  It's eh eh eh eh. Like, you're in that stage where this is your relationship. This is who you're with. Is this the person for me? Well, here's what I'm gonna tell you. It is so easy to go up in your head and look on Instagram and look at your girlfriends who are posting their photos of what's happening out in Montana while you're slugging it out in New York City and think, oh, my life sucks. Their life looks amazing. Maybe there's a better person for me. Well, maybe. But look at the person that you have. Do they have 80% of the shit that matters? Are they loyal? Are they kind? Do they share values with you? Do they have close friends? Are you able to be yourself with them? If you have those things, you have a winner.

• 45:42Speaker 00

  And you get to choose whether or not you're gonna look backwards in time and say, "Somebody got away." Or you're gonna look out in the future at some fantasy that doesn't exist. Or you're gonna look at what's right in front of your face and say, "Let them." I can live with the fact that they're a lousy cook. I can live with the fact that I don't really like their friends that much, but he's loyal to his friends. I can live with the fact that this person watches too much football. Because the other things that actually matter when it comes to having a long-term partnership are there. And if they're willing to meet you halfway, and they're willing to build skills, and they're like actually interested in working on this with you, you have a winner. Like, I think one of the secrets of a long-term relationship is, think about a seesaw.

• 46:26Speaker 00

  It goes up, it goes down. Sometimes you're in balance, but mostly it's up and it's down. I believe that what makes a relationship work is you got 80% of the stuff that matters. You have alignment on a vision or values about what you want out of life, right? So neither one of you has to give up on the big stuff. And you have somebody that's willing to be working on it with you. And here's the key to working on it. You just can't get off the seesaw. Because the second somebody decides, "Oh, did that person get away?" Or, "Oh, I'd rather be in the fantasy thing in Montana instead of actually like working jobs here." Then you're off the seesaw.

• 47:11Rayna Greenberg?

  I love this. I love the idea of, you know, taking inventory of what your values are and what this person brings to the table. And we have a friend that always says, "You're the problems at the beginning will be the problems at the end."

• 47:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course.

• 47:21Rayna Greenberg?

  That's kind of what you're saying too, which is like, if you meet somebody, they just kind of don't seem that ambitious. That will be the problem in the end. That is what will break you up.

• 47:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I think you also always know. I mean, I don't know, I guess you can look at what kind of feels more superficial and shallow. Like the vacations you see other people taking, or maybe their job. You wanted this CEO-type guy, whatever it is. But if it's really something where you're like, "He just doesn't excite me, he doesn't make me laugh," then you know it's not right. Because that's a dream you had, that's a value. I feel like Raina really tried to make it work with this guy, and at the end of the day, she's like, "I can't be with him, he just doesn't get my sense of humor." And it's like, I think you realize how important it was, even though other things were aligned. And you knew deep down and had it been something else more superficial, you probably would have gotten past it.

• 48:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I mean, I met this guy. He really checked a lot of boxes. He was a solid person, lots of friends, close to this family. I think he had a great job that I was excited a bit to hear about. I like how he lived his life.

• 48:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 48:16Rayna Greenberg?

  But like day to day, just we did not click on humor. And I felt like it might be shallow. Am I being like silly and ridiculous? But like, no, the it turns me on to be like made fun of and banter and somebody who can be like a little bit like just roast me in a way that I enjoy.

• 48:31Speaker 00

  Here's what you're talking about that's critical. I think that we're so obsessed with the chase and the landing that we forget a huge factor in a successful relationship is that you're actually calm and you can be yourself.

• 48:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 48:44Speaker 00

  And for you, there's a level of playfulness that is a core value.

• 48:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Yep.

• 48:49Speaker 00

  And if you don't have somebody that brings that out in you, it's going to make you feel like something's wrong. You can't be calm. You're actually calm in a playful relationship.

• 48:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Yep, yes.

• 48:59Speaker 00

  And so we chase the thing that feels wrong because we mistake that for some sort of sexual tension or excitement or something to fix when the reality is there is an energy match. Somebody is either a person that puts you at ease and makes you feel like you can be you, or they're not.

• 49:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes, because I felt like I would have this joke that was like edging out of my body and I couldn't do it because I knew he wouldn't understand it.

• 49:23Speaker 00

  Right.

• 49:23Rayna Greenberg?

  And it's just, all my friends are sarcastic. My brother's sarcastic. My dad, I'm surrounded by like very funny, sharp people. And I it's a it's a core value for me, for sure.

• 49:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, we're just going to take a quick break and we will get right back into it. I am telling you guys about Nutriful. I truly cannot imagine my life without it. This is something that I have relied on for years to help combat my hair thinning, shedding hair issues. I've had these hair issues. I've been talking about them a lot for the last, I mean, year and a half. And I really have turned to Nutriful. Nutriful has a proactive approach to target the root causes of what could be Having your hair thinning, shedding excessively in the shower or like on the bathroom floor that comes out of your hairbrush. And so you always know. And so many women deal with this and it can be a really real point of insecurity and really be upsetting. So this is something that I think can help with your improved hair growth, decreased shedding,

• 50:17Ashley Hesseltine?

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• 51:02Ashley Hesseltine?

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• 51:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. And the show is sponsored by BetterHelp. We often hear about red flags we should avoid. What if we focused more on looking for green flags in friends and partners? I just love this thought and I love this really positive way to frame therapy that of course you can go to therapy to set boundaries and empower yourself to be a better version of yourself and work on your career and your love life. But green flags, I think are something that we can really focus on learning about a little bit more. We all know what the red flags are, but you know, how do you feel when you're with somebody, especially a friend, a business partner, for example? And how can I focus on finding more green flags and building on those type of relationships? So therapy is great for that. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people

• 52:12Rayna Greenberg?

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• 52:34Speaker 00

  Okay, so one thing that we haven't talked about that's really important is that transition that everybody gets wrong, in my opinion, which is a transition from, okay, we've been dating, it's been fun, you know, we both have our hinge profiles up, okay, but now I like you. Now I don't want to see anybody else. And now I'm worried because I don't know how you feel about me. And so the danger here is you're going to spend the next six months hinting and hoping. You're going to spend the next six months going into strategy mode and being a detective and trying to like source what's happening.

• 53:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Totally.

• 53:09Speaker 00

  And instead, when you know that this is going from this is something casual to I actually want some form of commitment, or I want some form of alignment, this is on you. It's not on them. And there's a conversation that I want you to have. And this is the hard part. Because people get to choose who and how they love, and there are going to be times where you start falling for somebody and they're not going to choose you. But you have to have the guts and the clarity to understand that any time that you spend with somebody that is not on the same page is time that is keeping you from meeting the person who's going to be. And so you owe it to yourself, and frankly, you owe it to the future person you're supposed to meet.

• 53:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Right.

• 53:53Speaker 00

  Who can't be in your life if you're wasting time making excuses with somebody else, or you're too scared down the conversation because you don't know how to get the conversation. And I didn't know this in my twenties either. I just thought if I slept with you more, if I was around you more, like maybe this would, it'd sort of morph into being in your apartment, and next thing we're kind of living together, but we don't. And so here's the thing, whatever the next level is, you want to put a label on it. You want to be exclusive. You want to meet their parents. You want to move in together. You want to get engaged. You want to have the kids, whatever it may be. All you're gonna do is you're gonna use the let them theory and you're gonna sit down with them and you're just gonna say, "Hey, you don't want to do this wasted. This is not something to do over text. Don't do this after sex." You just want to have a conversation and be like, "Hey, this is freaking awesome. I think you're great. I love spending time with you."

• 54:37Speaker 00

  And I've gotten to the point where I just know that I really value my time and energy. And if we're gonna continue to hang out, I actually want to make sure we're on the same page. And this is where I'm at. And I fully understand you may not be there. But I just am the kind of person that I don't want to invest time and energy in things that aren't actually aligned with what I want. And so I just want to check in with you because I'm at that point with you.

• 55:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Mm-hmm. I love, I love to check in. And Ashley and I both, like, the healthiest, most solid relationships we've been in, neither of us wondered, "Are we together? Is it exclusive?" It's, it's natural. It's normal, moving in together, getting engaged for her. It's, it feels like the next step. It doesn't feel like pulling teeth.

• 55:17Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 55:18Rayna Greenberg?

  I think, you know, to your point of mixed signals are a clear answer, like-

• 55:22Speaker 00

  There are no mixed signals, let's be honest.

• 55:23Rayna Greenberg?

  That's, I mean, that's your answer.

• 55:24Speaker 00

  I'm sorry, what is a mixed signal?

• 55:26Rayna Greenberg?

  It's an answer to me.

• 55:27Speaker 00

  Right. But what, can you give me an example? What, can you actually define what a mixed signal is?

• 55:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. I mean, somebody that strings you along won't really give you an answer about, like, "Are we together? Are we not?"

• 55:35Speaker 00

  Can somebody string you along?

• 55:36Rayna Greenberg?

  You're saying, "No." You can stop them.

• 55:39Speaker 00

  Nobody can string you along.

• 55:40Rayna Greenberg?

  Right, without your own, yeah, like you're a willing participant.

• 55:44Speaker 00

  You're actually taking-

• 55:45Rayna Greenberg?

  You're on the string.

• 55:46Speaker 00

  You're taking behavior that's very clear, and you're tying it in knots.

• 55:49Rayna Greenberg?

  Mm-hmm.

• 55:50Speaker 00

  Nobody can string you along.

• 55:51Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. Amazing.

• 55:52Speaker 00

  Let them string you along.

• 55:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 55:54Speaker 00

  Let me remind myself, I get to choose how much time I put into this. I get to choose if this is behavior that's attractive or not.

• 56:01Rayna Greenberg?

  And that's the other thing, which we were talking about a couple of weeks ago. Like, instead of being like, "I don't know how they feel," just, this is unattractive to me. I don't like it.

• 56:09Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 56:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I like what you said about when you have that conversation, and you're in the driver's seat of it. This isn't an ultimatum, and this isn't, "Tell me what we are."

• 56:18Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 56:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  This is, "Here's where I'm at, come or don't," you know? And I think there's a lot of power in that.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  Well, and here's what I love about it, Ashley.

• 56:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 56:26Speaker 00

  What I love about it is, I'm actually not talking about you. I didn't say anything about you.

• 56:30Rayna Greenberg?

  That's what, yeah.

• 56:30Speaker 00

  Right? I said, "My time and energy is valuable."

• 56:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 56:34Speaker 00

  And I really enjoy you. And I'd actually like to spend more time and energy with you, but not unless we're exclusive.

• 56:39Rayna Greenberg?

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:40Speaker 00

  And if you're not there, completely cool. But this has been great, and I'm gonna invest my time and energy elsewhere.

• 56:46Rayna Greenberg?

  This has been great. I love it.

• 56:47Speaker 00

  See ya. Like, if you, can you imagine doing that? That the person be like, "Don't go wait."

• 56:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 56:54Speaker 00

  Wait, there's no, "But you let me on and we've been sleeping together and I thought you did this. But we were going to that thing in Tahoe in the summer."

• 57:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 57:01Speaker 00

  No.

• 57:02Rayna Greenberg?

  It's just also so hot, you know, like if anyone listening has that conversation, you should be so proud of yourself. Like, it's a badass move.

• 57:09Speaker 00

  Yes, then go masturbate. Like, it'd be amazing.

• 57:12Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. You also just flip who's in charge here and who has the power, right?

• 57:16Speaker 00

  You always have the power.

• 57:18Rayna Greenberg?

  Thank you.

• 57:19Speaker 00

  You always have the power. Like, that's the message of the let them theory. You have been giving the power to other people. You have always had it. Nobody can string you along. You allow it to happen.

• 57:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Absolutely.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  And that's why when you say let them, it's not that you're letting somebody treat you like shit. You're already doing that. When you say let them, you're stopping yourself from gaslighting yourself. And you're recognizing, this is who this person is, this is how they treat me, this is what I am and I'm not. Is this level of behavior attractive or acceptable to me? Let me remind myself. I get to choose what I think about their behavior. I get to choose whether I respond to this or not, whether I put time into it or not. I get to choose what I'm doing with my life. And this isn't about being a bitch or being on a power. It's literally about being very black and white that your time and your energy has value.

• 58:17Speaker 00

  And nobody else is gonna respect it if you don't respect it in yourself.

• 58:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Definitely. And I mean, looking back on all the dating situations I've had where I've felt like I was being strung along, they didn't work out. Nobody like woke up and was like, "Oh, my God. I was just waiting for you to let me know you wanted to be in a committed relationship so we could be together." Like, they didn't work out. The only times that they worked out was when I felt like we were on the same page. It wasn't like an argument to move in together, to commit to each other. It was super mutual. And same for you.

• 58:45Speaker 00

  Well, here's another thing that I think is an important way to use this, which I wish I had had in my twenties. Because I will go on record and say, there are too many times that I can remember where I fooled around or had sex with somebody to just end the date.

• 58:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, okay.

• 58:58Speaker 00

  You know what I mean? Literally, like, get me out of here.

• 59:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Let's get the finale over with.

• 59:02Speaker 00

  Yes. Like, I don't even wanna be doing this, but I am so uncomfortable. Saying what I really feel that this is the only way I know how to exit.

• 59:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Uh huh.

• 59:10Speaker 00

  And I felt so much shame about that for a long time. But the truth is, I think that like, we don't know how to reclaim our power. And I hope that if that's a behavior that you can recognize in yourself, that if I'm on a date, I've had a couple of drinks, or I'm just on a date, and I'm like, oh, God, and now I don't know how to like, get out, let them, let them be disappointed, that you don't want to go home with them.

• 59:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally.

• 59:38Speaker 00

  Let them be confused that you're going to take an Uber home. Let them be like, a little annoyed that, no, it's good, you don't need to like, see me to my apartment. I'm good.

• 59:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 59:48Speaker 00

  Let them, let them, because you gotta remind yourself, let me remind myself, I don't need to sleep with somebody because they bought me dinner.

• 59:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 59:56Speaker 00

  I don't need to make out with them if I don't want to. If they're going to be disappointed, they're a grown ass adult, I'm not their mother, I don't need to mother them. I need to let them have their emotions, and I need to let me respect myself enough to know when it's time to walk away from something without having to like, give something that I don't want to give.

• 1:00:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  I love that, I love that message. It brings me kind of to something I want to discuss too, which is other people's opinions of you, and how they control our lives. And I think it's why you might sleep with someone, but it's also why you might not start this business venture, or post this thing on Instagram, or, and I think it holds people back so much, and I wanted to talk about that with you too.

• 1:00:37Speaker 00

  Sure, sure. One of the most important ways, I mean, there's so many ways to use the let them theory, because there's so many ways that we give power to other people, and where we're controlling the wrong thing. And learning how to let people have negative thoughts about you, because it's not even let people think what they want, because that's sort of like, let them think what they want. And like, anytime somebody says, I don't care what people think, I'm like, bitch, you do. Like, that's exactly, like, anybody else say that, I'm like, I don't give a shit. Oh, really? Then why are you talking about it?

• 1:01:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  So, the way you use let them, is you actually address and call out your actual fear, which is, you're afraid people are going to judge you, you're afraid they're going to think something negative. That's why you're scared of it. That's, and being scared of it's not the problem. Allowing that fear to stop you from being you, that is where you're giving power away. And so, I use the let them theory, when I notice I'm starting to get worried about what somebody thinks, I say to myself, let them think something negative. Let them misunderstand you, Mel. Let them describe you in a way that's actually not true. Because the real power is not in what somebody else's opinion is. Because you can't control someone else's opinion. And I'll give you an example of how even trying to

• 1:01:48Speaker 00

  doesn't guarantee that somebody's going to think something positive about you. So, the power is in you going, "Let me remind myself" that if I live my life in a way where I know what I intend and I try my best to just show up and align with my values, then I'm proud of myself. And the thing about fearing other people's opinions is you will never, ever, ever control what somebody else thinks. Even the people that you love. So, I've been married to my husband for 28, together 30 years. He pisses me off every day. I have negative thoughts about Christopher Robbins every flipping day.

• 1:02:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Your daughter's here, I love that.

• 1:02:35Speaker 00

  Yes, my daughter's here.

• 1:02:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Who covered the book with you.

• 1:02:37Speaker 00

  Yes, but like, he is a slow processor. He has so many questions. I think the questions are kind of dumb. Like, I'm serious. Like, I've been, I was a real jerk in our marriage. I get so frustrated with the poor guy. And, you know, this is a man who is so kind, he's a death doula.

• 1:02:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:02:55Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I know, Christopher Robbins. See, like, and I'd be like, "You guys all return his side." He's a real bitch. But here's the reason why I'm saying this. I love this person more than anybody. I would throw myself in front of a bus to save him. That's how much I love him. And I would say I probably have 20 very negative things that I think about him every day.

• 1:03:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  And you wrote in the book, "All the negative things you think about the people you love the most."

• 1:03:20Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:03:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  And saying that out loud, someone's probably that hasn't read it is like, "What?" And it's like, "This is important to remember."

• 1:03:24Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:03:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  "We think negative things about the people we love the most in the world." So, why are you getting so worked up about someone thinking negative thoughts about you?

• 1:03:30Speaker 00

  And here's the other thing to consider. Two things are true at once at all times. I can think that my husband is a slow walker, and it bothers me. And I can still love them. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. I can think that my daughter has a really dumb business idea, and I can still cheer for her and support her. Yeah. I can think that somebody's super irresponsible with money, or they date losers who treat them like garbage, and I can still be your most supportive friend. Yeah. And so, giving people the space to think something negative, the space to be human, you actually take the focus off something you can't control. And I'll give you an example of why you can't control this, and why you need to actually get in control of where the power is.

• 1:04:14Speaker 00

  Because the power is in you doing life in a way that makes you proud of yourself, and in a way that actually puts you first. So I'll give you an example. Let's say that your friend has a birthday coming up. And it's not like a 40th, or a 30th. It's like 27. Mm-hmm. One of the middle ones. Yeah, 38. Recently, for us. Yes. Yeah. And there is a big party at a place with street tacos, and there's 14 people invited. And it's gonna be loud, and you're gonna split the check, and you don't know half the people that are going. Oh, I'm so out already, but... Right? Yes. Right? And we go up in our heads, and we're like, "Oh, my God, what are you gonna think? But I've had a busy day, but I really don't wanna go, and I'm just not a big-party kind of person.

• 1:04:58Speaker 00

  I'd rather take them out to a yoga class, and be one-on-one, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Let's just say that you decide, "Screw it. I'm gonna show up. Important to show up, I'm gonna show up." Right. You get there, you're at the end of the table, you barely even talk to your friend, you're stuck next to somebody that's annoying as hell. You then, like, split the check. You're like, "Oh, my God, that was a waste of my time." You literally change your plans. You showed up. Why? Because you want your friend to think that you're a good friend. Mm. Meanwhile, your friend is at the other end of the table, thinking, "Why does Ashley look like she's in a pissed-off mood? Why did she even come?" Mm-hmm. So, you bend over backwards, and not only did you bend over backwards and change your plans, and exhaust yourself, and not have fun, you did it so that they thought something. Right.

• 1:05:42Speaker 00

  It didn't guarantee that it worked. Mm-hmm. And so let them think something negative when you call and say, I love you. I don't have it in me. Can I take you to this yoga class and out to brunch so we can truly bond? Would that be okay? And if they say no, say, let them say no.

• 1:05:57Rayna Greenberg?

  Right.

• 1:05:58Speaker 00

  I'm sorry you're disappointed.

• 1:05:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, I like the offer on the other side, which is like, I'd like to have a meaningful interaction with you solo. And I want to go back to what you said before about people's judgment of you and your behavior. And I think we all have to remember that people are bringing 20, 30 years of their own breeding, their own background, their own life experiences into how they're judging you, and those aren't your life experiences. So I left a job at Amazon making $200,000 a year, tons of stock options at a great reputable company.

• 1:06:24Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 1:06:24Rayna Greenberg?

  To be an Instagram influencer. And that 10 years ago was not so popular. And my parents have always been really wonderful and supportive, but they didn't understand it. My dad, my dad owns a headhunting recruiting business. And he's like, the way I would throw somebody's resume in the trash if I saw that they left Amazon to post on Instagram.

• 1:06:42Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:06:42Rayna Greenberg?

  And he was, my dad supports me, he thinks I'm the best thing in the world.

• 1:06:45Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 1:06:45Rayna Greenberg?

  But he brings in, and my dad's 78, that's generational. He doesn't understand Instagram. He didn't understand how you could monetize it. And I still thought, like, let me choose me, let me try. And it led to meeting Ashley, starting this podcast. And there was a big part of me that just had to like, let people think that was stupid.

• 1:07:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:07:03Rayna Greenberg?

  Ridiculous, fruitless, and just, I'm gonna show, let me show them.

• 1:07:07Speaker 00

  Yes, yes. And so here's the other thing that's really important about this. Why should your father understand?

• 1:07:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:14Speaker 00

  No, seriously, let's, let's like unpack this.

• 1:07:16Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:16Speaker 00

  Because we assume that the people in our life have to think exactly what we think. And we trample over everybody. And there's a huge chapter in this. Some of the hardest people in your life are going to be family because they want the best for you, hopefully, and they've known you the longest, so they have expectations and they have all their own hopes and dreams. And so when you start living your life, that is going to have a major conflict with how you have hopes and dreams for your own life. Let them be disappointed. Let them have expectations. If your dad owns his own business and his frame of reference, which I talk about in this book, from his lived experience, is that quitting a job at Amazon is the stupidest thing you could possibly do?

• 1:07:58Speaker 00

  Let him have that opinion because it's true from his experience.

• 1:08:03Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 1:08:04Speaker 00

  And so when you say, let them. What you're doing is you're actually honoring your dad's experience. And you're giving him the space to have it. And then when you say "let me," you're saying "and dad, even though that's been your experience, let me live my life in a way that I know is actually aligned with what I believe to be true." And what happens in that space of acceptance, where two opinions can be held at the same time by two people who love each other, is in that space of both of you not trying to jam your opinions down one another's throats, you create the space for somebody to actually change their mind. You create the space for your dad to be scared for you

• 1:08:49Speaker 00

  and to have his lived experience, but then to, in that space, see for himself, "Oh my god, she's a baller like me." She's created... I actually created this. He's probably taking credit because he's an entrepreneur.

• 1:09:02Rayna Greenberg?

  Which is how he feels now.

• 1:09:05Speaker 00

  Of course, but you respected him and allowed him to have his own experience in life. And I think we do this with our parents. I know I did this with my parents. I'm sure my kids do this with me. Where you just expect your parents to actually think the same thing you do. And yet you don't ever stop and think, "This is your mom and dad's first time being alive." "This is your mom and dad's first time being a parent." The circumstances of their life are very different than yours. And you forget that people can only give you what they have to give. And there's this huge breakthrough that I had in my life with relationships with people in my family where, and I believe it was something that I heard from Oprah Winfrey. I don't remember who to credit for this,

• 1:09:50Speaker 00

  but it changed my life. So there are people in your life that have, let's just say, this is a 12-ounce bottle of water. There are people in your life that have 12 ounces to give. Okay? That's what they got. You may be a gallon person. If you have somebody, whether you're dating them, or it's your parents, or it's your best friend, or your sister, or your brother, you're a gallon person and they only have 12 ounces to give. If they pour 12 ounces into you, they have given you everything they have to give. But if you're a gallon person, you feel like it's nothing. And so I think we get into these arguments with people because we don't understand the capacity that people actually have, and that they have poured into you everything that they have.

• 1:10:34Speaker 00

  If your mom and dad did not get emotional support, they can't give it to you. If they didn't get the cheering, they probably can't give it to you. Now, that doesn't excuse behavior that feels bad, or is hurtful, or abusive. But I have found it so healing and empowering to stop and go, "Who is this person? And what do they actually have from their experience? And did they give me all that they could based on everything that they were dealing with? And if they did, then that's a place you can start from." But I've spent too long judging people that were 12 ounces because they weren't a gallon like me. Instead of seeing, "Oh, you're a person that's 12 ounces, and if I continue to like picket you,

• 1:11:19Speaker 00

  then I'm gonna push you away." If I can be like, "Let them. Let them show up how they show up, and let me really ask myself how much time and energy I'm gonna put in this." And people, when you give them the space and they start to feel accepted, they actually start moving toward you instead of away from you.

• 1:11:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I love that. I love it too. Well, we just have a few minutes left with you, and I think we would be remiss if we didn't just kind of talk about the state of the world and how people are feeling. You could use a numerous of different emotions to describe the overwhelm and sadness.

• 1:11:49Speaker 00

  I think we're in a very dangerous moment in time. I do. No, I do because because I feel that there's a number of things happening. Let's just, let's just, first of all, the election's over. Whatever country you are in right now... Whoever is in charge of your country is in charge. And that's the let them part. Recognizing that you're not going to be able to control what comes out of their mouth next. You cannot control the news headlines, which by the way, are designed to make you feel helpless. They're designed to make you nervous because then you click.

• 1:12:22Rayna Greenberg?

  It's extremely inflammatory.

• 1:12:23Speaker 00

  Yes, and so here's what I want you to understand, and this is important for all of us. And this is not a conversation about politics, it's a conversation about psychology. And control. You have to wake up and recognize that you live in a moment in history when the entire world is engineered to steal your time, steal your attention, steal your energy, and steal your joy. People make money off of your time, off of your energy, off your attention, and off your joy.

• 1:12:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Your health too.

• 1:12:49Speaker 00

  Yes. Well, that is your health.

• 1:12:51Rayna Greenberg?

  Right, that's everything, yes.

• 1:12:51Speaker 00

  That is your focus, that's everything. And if you don't recognize that this is how the world is, it is doing you no favors, you have to wake up and recognize that the only way you're going to get your time, your energy, your focus, or your joy back is if you freaking claw it back. And that means this, it means that worrying about what's happening doesn't change what's happening. Drowning yourself in the news and doom scrolling doesn't change where things are going. Clicking on those headlines that are designed to make you feel helpless when you are not helpless does not empower you, so stop doing it. Stop doing it. And, you know, what I say is this,

• 1:13:31Speaker 00

  that if these issues matter you, then stop bitching about it and worrying about it and prove it. Get involved in your community.

• 1:13:41Speaker 00

  Stop talk, talk is cheap, worrying is worse. Like, you can actually, when you claw back your energy and your time and your focus and your joy, you can now pour that into being the change. But, you know, there's that famous Professor Margaret Mead quote. Like, it's, it's, it, all it takes is a few thoughtful citizens to change the trajectory of the world. I'm getting the quote wrong, but you get the gist. And if it bothers you enough, that person is you. By playing into this, and I'm not, I'm not downplaying how serious of a situation we're in. I think we're in a terrifying situation. I do.

• 1:14:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:16Speaker 00

  But it's time that you wake up because you're not actually disempowered right now.

• 1:14:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:22Speaker 00

  You have more power, and the more that you gaslight yourself... By telling yourself that you don't have power, the worse it's gonna get.

• 1:14:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:14:30Speaker 00

  We all need to wake up and say, enough. We need to get involved in our communities. We need to be talking to our family members. We need to reach out to the people that represent you.

• 1:14:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:40Speaker 00

  You need to start blogging and writing. You need to stop hiding in your house and start writing how you feel.

• 1:14:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:14:48Speaker 00

  That is how things change.

• 1:14:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:14:50Speaker 00

  And maybe, just maybe, it took something this horrible to wake our asses up and help us recognize what we actually value and what matters.

• 1:15:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:15:00Speaker 00

  Because I think we also lost touch in so many areas of our life, whether it's values, or it's the connection to friends, or it is the fact that at the end of your life, you're not gonna be thinking about what's in your bank account. You're not gonna be thinking about the dinner party that you wanna go to, or the massive ring, or the new bag that you're obsessing about. You're never gonna see a hearse driving to a graveyard with a U-Haul full of the shit that you were chasing.

• 1:15:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:15:29Speaker 00

  What you're gonna care about is, when you look back, are you surrounded by people who loved you? Did you use the time that you had in this life in a way that made you proud? Or did you constantly hold yourself back because you were obsessed about what other people were doing? Like, you have the power to change your life, to create a brighter future. If you're sick of what's happening, get off your phone, get out of bed when the alarm rings, create a morning routine that sets you up so that you feel a little empowered. Identify what issues you care about in this world or your community, and get to fucking work.

• 1:16:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm. Love it. Go off. Snap, snap, snap.

• 1:16:05Speaker 00

  I love it. Thank you. Seriously, we need you.

• 1:16:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know.

• 1:16:08Speaker 00

  We need you.

• 1:16:08Rayna Greenberg?

  Ashley and I, really, it's important to us to talk about this stuff, to let people know that they have a voice, that someone hears you, that someone's on your side. It's important us to use our platform for that.

• 1:16:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  And what you digest, I wanna stay informed, but I have a few people I follow.

• 1:16:22Speaker 00

  Like, don't go to any of the mainstream news sites. Go to the Associated Press.

• 1:16:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I follow Jessica Yellen. I don't know if you're familiar with her. It's just non-inflammatory, even though what's happening is really outrageous and inflammatory.

• 1:16:33Speaker 00

  Don't ever forget that 80% of us actually believe the same things.

• 1:16:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:16:38Speaker 00

  And just like your attention has been hijacked, so has the conversation, and so has politics. But we have the power to change things we don't like, in our lives, in our communities, in our families. Do not look out there for the answer. If you don't like it, change yourself.

• 1:16:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Mm-hmm. Mel, this has been amazing. And Ashley and I love your book. And I have to tell you, two of my closest friends both had your book on their Instagram stories this morning. I mean, you are just everywhere.

• 1:17:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Changing the world.

• 1:17:04Rayna Greenberg?

  This is just phenomenal.

• 1:17:05Speaker 00

  Well, I'm excited that people are excited about a book that actually helps them change their life.

• 1:17:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:10Speaker 00

  Because most books that explode are books that help you escape your life.

• 1:17:14Rayna Greenberg?

  Mm.

• 1:17:14Speaker 00

  This one actually helped you.

• 1:17:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Akata.

• 1:17:16Speaker 00

  Oh, man. Yes. Yes.

• 1:17:18Rayna Greenberg?

  Honestly, this with Akata, that's a doubleheader, though.

• 1:17:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:17:21Rayna Greenberg?

  You get both.

• 1:17:22Speaker 00

  No pun intended.

• 1:17:22Rayna Greenberg?

  Actually, you're next to each other on my shelf.

• 1:17:24Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 1:17:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Because it's the same color. I color coordinated my bookshelves.

• 1:17:27Speaker 00

  I'm proud to be there.

• 1:17:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, thank you. This is really just amazing. We can't wait for everybody to hear this. And congrats to your daughter Sawyer as well, who co-wrote the book. Hell, everybody where they can find you.

• 1:17:37Speaker 00

  Anywhere. You can find me right here.

• 1:17:38Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. Mel Robbins on Instagram.

• 1:17:39Speaker 00

  Yes, find me right here.

• 1:17:40Rayna Greenberg?

  You guys will see her. You can't escape her.

• 1:17:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  You can't escape her.

• 1:17:42Speaker 00

  The lady with the glasses.

• 1:17:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  In the best way. And you guys know where to find us. GirlsGottaEat.com. GirlsGottaEatPodcast on Instagram and TikTok. I'm Ash Hess. Rain is Rainan.Greenberg. Subscribe on YouTube. And we will see you Thursday. Have a great week, guys. Thank you.