Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Joe @ https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays Support Nathan @ https://www.patreon.com/pitm Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Joe Live @ https://www.comedianjoelist.com/ Go to Optimum Noctis 1st and 3rd Tues of Every Month https://www.creekandcave.com/events/optimumnoctis hello. Hope you're all having a good start to your day. This week we got the great Joe List on the cast while the big kahuna is away. It's a hot one. Support Joes casts Tuesday's w/ Stories! and The Regz, and watch his specials on YouTube. Please enjoy. God Bless. Go to armra.com/MSSP or enter MSSP to get 30% off your first subscription order. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Matt McCusker?

  Wild, Wild West. I should invest in the spider league and bring it like a.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  You got something white on your lip?

• 0:05Matt McCusker?

  Thank you.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Start the.

• 0:06Matt McCusker?

  Appreciate that. Yeah, true.

• 0:09Speaker 02

  I didn't see it or else I would have.

• 0:12Matt McCusker?

  I think I saw it in the bathroom and I just ignored it.

• 0:16Speaker 02

  That's a good part, a point in your life when you're like, ah, I'm gonna come on my lip, I'm gonna let it fly.

• 0:21Matt McCusker?

  Literally tried it once, it didn't come off and I was like, whatever, I gotta do stuff.

• 0:24Speaker 02

  Don't worry about my lip corners.

• 0:27Matt McCusker?

  Are we fired up? Nice.

• 0:29Speaker 02

  You gotta keep the lip stuff in, that's good.

• 0:31Matt McCusker?

  True, yeah.

• 0:33Matt McCusker?

  That's a good, that's a good cold open. Nate noticed I had his come on my lip.

• 0:41Matt McCusker?

  Joe List, thank you for coming, man.

• 0:43Speaker 02

  Thanks for having me, I appreciate it. This is, I'm now here an extra day just for this. I got bumped from a big podcast I won't name. That also records on Monday nights in Austin.

• 0:56Matt McCusker?

  I'm glad you can come on, man.

• 0:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, me too, I'm thrilled.

• 0:59Matt McCusker?

  And you're traveling with family, that's an area of interest of mine, because I do it all the time.

• 1:03Speaker 02

  I know, we talked about it a while ago, I quote you all the time and, yeah, it's fun. I don't mind the actual traveling, on the plane is fun to me.

• 1:11Matt McCusker?

  It's not that hard.

• 1:13Speaker 02

  No, and we, you know, I mean, I don't want to throw my success in everybody's face, but I get upgraded a lot, you know, Delta Diamond, so. My son has flown almost exclusively first class, which is very nice.

• 1:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:23Speaker 02

  But we're about to, he's about to turn two, so I'll have to buy him a ticket.

• 1:25Matt McCusker?

  Oh shit, you're coming up on that, that sucks.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  That'll be the end of.

• 1:28Matt McCusker?

  I, it's funny watching, because some people smile at the child in first class and then other people like, come, almost grimace at the child.

• 1:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, it feels like a thing where people are like, get the fuck out of there.

• 1:39Speaker 01

  So, even when they're like two, it's not you, or one, it's not you holding them, it's like them sitting in a seat.

• 1:45Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah, you gotta pay for them, you can still hold them on takeoff when they're like two-ish, and then, once they get a little bigger, it's kind of like a gray area.

• 1:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:51Matt McCusker?

  Sometimes you're like, my kid's crying, I'm not gonna strap him to a seatbelt.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:55Matt McCusker?

  Be like, sorry buddy. So yeah, you have to like, yeah, like you, they kind of give you leeway. My one daughter's five and like, for landings, they're like, she needs to be in a seatbelt.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, like whatever.

• 2:04Speaker 02

  So when you had, I assume there's a moment where you had just the one kid and there was three of you. Did you ever travel the three of you? Did you buy a row?

• 2:12Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah, we've done it before.

• 2:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:14Matt McCusker?

  We, we do Southwest sometimes too, which we just did in Chicago this weekend. It's in one time, yeah, well, last time, uh, cause usually like my wife's really good about checking in. We get early. So we get to like be towards the front and like, the one time I just wasn't paying attention. We were sitting at the gate next to the gate we're supposed to be at. So the whole plane had boarded and then I heard my name like last call and I was like, oh no. So we all had to like split up. My wife is not a fan.

• 2:39Speaker 02

  Was she a lap kid at that point or was she just sitting by herself?

• 2:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, this is when we had the two of them. So we had to like, but we, I ended up taking like one and one. We just had to beg strangers to switch seats.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Right.

• 2:49Matt McCusker?

  Which some people are cool about. Some people are like not cool about that at all.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  There's that thing you see to the line where people are like, uh, your baby's not my problem. I paid for the seat. You ever see those?

• 2:58Matt McCusker?

  No, I've never seen that. But it's also like, that's the one thing flying with kids is nice. Once you get over your kid crying loudly on a plane. I don't care. If my kid screams and cries, I'm like, and I know people hate that, but it's like, grow the fuck up, dude. Well, I don't care that the kid's crying. It's just, I'm gonna, I'm gonna sort this out.

• 3:16Speaker 02

  But also everybody has noise cancelling headphones now. That's like the standard headphone and everyone, you got 400 channel. Like just turn a fucking, turn on Mission Impossible 11 and turn it up full volume.

• 3:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 3:28Speaker 02

  Fuck you.

• 3:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  And yeah, don't get me wrong. I'm not like thrilled if there's a crying baby, but you are like, you have the ability. You don't have to just sit there listening to it.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  Now, if you all want to play solo and you have first class and some lady has first class and she's trying to get you out of your seat that you really wanted.

• 3:45Matt McCusker?

  I fantasize about the opportunity.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  To be a gentleman?

• 3:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I fantasize about like a decrepit old man and being like, please don't take this. Please take my seat. Or a kid, my one fantasy is a kid throwing something very hard at my head.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:00Matt McCusker?

  To the point where I'm like bleeding. I get to be like, yeah, so we do. I feel like.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  Just laugh it off.

• 4:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Just like, I deal with all the time.

• 4:08Speaker 02

  I have like foul ball fantasy. Whenever I'm at a game, I'm like picking a kid. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking make this kid's world. Give it to him. No, no, I'm gonna give it to him.

• 4:18Matt McCusker?

  You gotta be a viral bad guy.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  Which I did do one time at a New York Islanders hockey game. I caught the shirt. They fired the shirt and I caught it. And I'm a Bruins guy, so I just gave it to a kid and I felt like a real hero.

• 4:29Matt McCusker?

  Million bucks.

• 4:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. I wanna catch a foul ball just so I can give it to a kid and go viral.

• 4:34Matt McCusker?

  You saw that lady who went viral for the exact opposite?

• 4:37Speaker 02

  Yeah. Phillip, one of yours.

• 4:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:42Matt McCusker?

  Well, you know what's funny? My wife was showing me that exact clip. The lady spazzes a guy. Now, I didn't really see the struggle. Did he like snatch it from her or he just caught it? She was being a sore loser.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  I think it like landed in the like, it just hit the ground. He rushed over while everybody was trying to get it, grabbed it first and then ran back. Yeah, I don't think he took it out of anybody's hand.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  She was like, I think maybe touching it, but it was, it wasn't her row. It was in his row, but right in front of her. And she's, you know, a woman, so she sucks at.

• 5:12Speaker 02

  She was like reaching down. So I think her finger must have been touching it or whatever. But he got the ball.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  It's like one of those things. Yeah, he had the ball and then he gave it to his kid. It was his birthday and then she came over. But I feel bad for the guy because I don't, I don't know if you watched the video, like the woman comes up yelling and he does, he goes.

• 5:31Speaker 02

  It's like, it's egregious, but and people are like, this guy's a pussy. Fuck this guy. But he's also literally hugging his son from behind. It's his birthday. He just like feels like a hero and this woman must have been like screeching and put her hands on him too. So I've, you have those moments where you're like, go!

• 5:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what the fuck is going on? Yeah.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  And people are like, you're such a pussy, the way you reacted. We were like, well, that was like gutter. I could beat the fuck out of this woman. I'm not like, cuz. Yeah, he's frightened me.

• 5:59Matt McCusker?

  He's also, yeah, he's an old man too. There's a chance he's dealt with that for decades. And just guy, he thought he was at like a game with his son. All of a sudden the lady's like, what are you doing? He was like, oh, Jesus fucking Christ. I thought you were at home. I thought you were back in the house.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  That people are calling him a pussy too, because he gave the ball up. But you're also, I also get that of like, what am I gonna do? Just fist fight this woman like, ah, fuck it, take your ball, you douche. And then the guy got, one of the players.

• 6:25Matt McCusker?

  Nah, if he gave it away, it would've been even worse. Oh, they gave him, yeah, the players gave him a bunch of stuff.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  The team gave him a bunch of shit too.

• 6:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, so nice. The team rallied around. Just, he's like, dude, I'm sorry to deal with that bitch. Here's a bunch of swag from the team. Well, that people were booing her. So the whole section was booing, and she started yelling at that. It was like a wrestling match. She was like, fucking, uh, I don't know, Randy Savage or something. I haven't watched wrestling in a while.

• 6:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that sucks. That like, that lady is definitely, she has to go back to her job now. And everyone's like, oh yeah, you're the like asshole of the week. You're the giant fucking asshole of the week.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  And I don't know if she's been doxxed yet. Do we know that?

• 7:01Speaker 03

  There's, I don't know for sure, but there's rumors that she's lost her job since then.

• 7:05Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 7:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, I saw it online, but I don't know how true that is. It was just on Twitter.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  She shouldn't have lost her job for that though. That's kinda crazy.

• 7:11Speaker 03

  I don't think so. But, oh, they did dox her. I fa- I fa- I found her first and last name in a comment section.

• 7:17Speaker 02

  I thought you said you found her first, like you were the first one. I got her.

• 7:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you never know. That's like kinda, I'm like bugged out about that. You can just be going about a normal thing and just like, your life's ruined over just one spaz.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  I know. You can't even yell the N word at the subway anymore, you know? You never know. With surveillance, it's gonna nab you.

• 7:38Speaker 04

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• 7:44Matt McCusker?

  Yo.

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• 8:05Matt McCusker?

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• 8:12Speaker 04

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• 8:16Matt McCusker?

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• 8:36Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 8:37Matt McCusker?

  I saw, my wife brought the old lady video to me and then I was like, she was like, this lady's such a bitch. Then I saw a video of an old white guy and a, let's say, middle aged black guy snapped. They were, they both went for it, to be fair.

• 8:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:51Matt McCusker?

  And he, it was a, you know, a contest and the black guy emerged victorious.

• 8:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:55Matt McCusker?

  And everyone was like, he's a piece of shit. And I was like, I don't know, it's the flip side. It's like the guy wrestled it from the lady, he's a hero.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:02Matt McCusker?

  But then the black guy, it was like an old man, so do you give it up? Or do you just be, you know, black as hell and be like, nah, my problem.

• 9:11Speaker 02

  I do think it's like.

• 9:12Speaker 04

  I'd have hit it with the, nah, my problem.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  It's a known thing, though, you give the ball to a child. I feel like as an adult, it just feels.

• 9:21Matt McCusker?

  The elderly is like, you deserve this, I don't have to give this to you. He did, he like snap, power snatched it.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  What if there's no kid in like a five, like a six seat radius? Like you're here, no one there, no one there, no one there, no kid, just all adults.

• 9:34Matt McCusker?

  Give it to the hottest lady. Hottest lady gets the ball.

• 9:37Speaker 02

  Put it between her tits.

• 9:41Matt McCusker?

  It's hottest lady at that point, alright?

• 9:44Speaker 02

  I mean, I mean, yeah.

• 9:45Matt McCusker?

  Throw it back. Put it back in play.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  If it's especially if it's like not your team's ball, like you just, I don't need this shit. Who started that in Chicago? I think Chicago.

• 9:53Speaker 02

  Chicago, yeah. And then other cities try to do it and you're like, that's not even our thing.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  Let me keep the ball.

• 9:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, so I would keep it for sure. But then you probably get home and it's like, do you, would you, how long would you look at that ball in terms of like, oh, you gave it away? Would you really have sentimental value? Would you just sit at home like, oh, it's a fucking ball?

• 10:09Speaker 02

  Ah, it's kind of fun, I guess. I mean, I have a major league, I had, I got to watch the Toronto Blue Jays batting practice on the field one time. And they gave me a ball and I have it and I'm like, oh, that ball, you get to tell people.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  It's a nice memory.

• 10:21Speaker 02

  Ball's a real ball, whatever. And my uncle, I was at a game with him years ago, Sean Green, I think he played with the Blue Jays at the time. It was like a rain delay game, so it was down to like a very small amount of people. And he caught the last out and like threw it like directly to my uncle. And that was, that was the coolest.

• 10:37Matt McCusker?

  That's nice.

• 10:38Speaker 02

  The closest I've come to a thing. But I have no idea what that ball, I actually told the story to my uncle and he's like, I don't remember that at all. And I was like, he threw it to you? And he's like, really? So I guess that's the answer.

• 10:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's, it's in his basement somewhere.

• 10:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, no memory whatsoever of a professional baseball player tossing a ball. And then did you see the tennis one with the hat? That was like a big one the week before.

• 11:00Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  Oh, that one was crazy. That guy did get doxxed. I think he was European. Did you see that one? Boy, tennis is really at a low point in the United States, I guess.

• 11:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 11:10Speaker 02

  Well, it was right after a match, the guy like took off his sweaty hat and handed it to a kid. And this guy nabbed, I think he signed it, handed it to the kid, the guy nabs it and like quickly puts it in his wife's purse.

• 11:22Matt McCusker?

  Ooh.

• 11:23Speaker 02

  And it went viral and the kid was like, what the fuck?

• 11:25Speaker 01

  Didn't he like steal it still though? He didn't like take it, oh, no, he took it, he snatched it from the kid.

• 11:29Speaker 02

  He literally like snatched it. I don't know if the kid got his hands on it, but the guy, the player was clearly handing it to him. And I think he was like a CEO or some crazy shit. It was a big thing.

• 11:39Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I think I heard of this.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  And then there was like an apology that I think might've been fake, cause he, there was like a statement being like finder's keeper, you're snooze, you lose or something. But I think that was fake.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  Did he say, no, I think I remember the statement now. It was like, he was like, this is how you become a winner. You take things like you, you're not afraid to take things from people.

• 11:56Speaker 02

  It was something like that, but I was like, this has to be not real.

• 11:59Matt McCusker?

  There's no way the company took that position.

• 12:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't know if it was the company. It might've been that guy just be like, this is how I got what I got.

• 12:06Matt McCusker?

  True. Not worried about what the little man thinks of me.

• 12:10Speaker 02

  Sean, looks like he has something for the folks at home.

• 12:14Speaker 03

  It's hard to sift through this People Magazine article, but they keep saying he's a CEO. He runs like a concrete company in Poland, so he's not like a big.

• 12:23Matt McCusker?

  He's a fat Italian guy?

• 12:25Speaker 03

  He's a Polish, he's a.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's a Polish guy.

• 12:27Matt McCusker?

  Polish concrete guy.

• 12:28Speaker 02

  Bring back Polish jokes.

• 12:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  Those kind of faded, didn't they?

• 12:32Matt McCusker?

  Polish jokes, yeah, they fell out of favor. Nobody fires them up.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's weird.

• 12:36Matt McCusker?

  They were big when I was little, they were huge.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  That was the only thing.

• 12:39Matt McCusker?

  The Polish family that got locked inside of their car?

• 12:42Speaker 02

  What happened? How'd they get locked in there?

• 12:44Matt McCusker?

  They were just too dumb. They didn't realize they could just open the lock.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  I was like the one, uh, why did the Polish guy get fired from the M and M's factory? He kept throwing away all the W's.

• 12:57Speaker 02

  That was a big joke when I was a kid. Cause then they kind of became blonde jokes. Blonde and Polish were interchangeable.

• 13:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:03Speaker 02

  But I don't know, what are the origins of Polish people being dumb?

• 13:07Matt McCusker?

  I think they were fucking dumb. I think every, I think every, I think every ethnic group came here and the Irish were like, you know, they were like lazy, subhuman, Italians were, you know, just annoying. And then Polish people came here and everyone's like, these guys are dumb as fuck.

• 13:22Speaker 02

  But could the, the origins be like the dumb people stayed behind when the Nazis were coming? Is that like, could that be the origin?

• 13:30Matt McCusker?

  They were probably valiant. They were the heroes.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  By the way, I'm not, this is not, this is my.

• 13:34Matt McCusker?

  Or they're all dumb and the dumb ones got killed by the Nazis and the other dumb ones came here.

• 13:39Speaker 02

  Right, right. But this is, by the way, this is not my theory. I'm just wondering if that's how it originated.

• 13:45Matt McCusker?

  That's true.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  I'm not like those fucking idiots didn't get out of the way of the Nazis.

• 13:48Matt McCusker?

  I don't have any position on it at all. I actually heard Polish people have not the biggest, but the fattest dicks out of all of them.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  Is that right?

• 13:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I swear to God. That's the word on the curb that the Polacks have fat dong. So I always throw that in there as well.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  Fat is funny because it makes it seem like they could lose it if they worked. Like thick feels like natural, but fat is like, I gotta, I gotta change my diet, turn out my dick a little.

• 14:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they have obese dongs.

• 14:13Speaker 02

  Wow, no kidding.

• 14:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what was the, I remember looking into the exact term Polack and I, if I'm not mistaken, it actually applied to like Hungarians. I think they actually, I forget, there was some weird thing where

• 14:24Speaker 01

  I thought it was a slur for them.

• 14:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it is. It's a slur. But it kind of, I think it originated with like Hungarians. When anyone from Eastern Europe came here, they just, everyone lumped them together as Polacks, basically.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  No kidding.

• 14:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  I didn't, I didn't even know it was a slur. I've been using that left and right.

• 14:39Matt McCusker?

  It's not a slur. If a Polish guy gets offended, he's a, he's a Polack. So they're saying you're kind of boneheaded. But yeah, Eastern Europeans are kind of a subjective fascination for me. So I don't know anything about any of those countries.

• 14:50Speaker 02

  Right.

• 14:53Speaker 03

  Google AI overview is blaming Archie Bunker for the anti Polish sentiment. They said he had a Polish son-in-law in All in the Family and he would constantly make fun of them.

• 15:04Speaker 02

  Oh, meathead.

• 15:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. So they said that sort of started it along with like xenophobia and stuff according to Google.

• 15:14Speaker 02

  That makes sense.

• 15:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I know they have big fat heads. I've heard that too. Square, big fat square.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  Are the fat heads from drinking? I know the dicks aren't.

• 15:25Matt McCusker?

  I don't know. You know what? I was actually, I was at a, I was at a bar with my wife. We're in Chicago this weekend and we're at a hotel bar just hanging out and there were two guys, their wives had giant fake tits and they, the guys had big fat heads. And I was kind of like, damn, it's kind of alpha. It was a giant fat head. They're just like arms around their fake titted wives. And I was like, these guys are on to something.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  They're swinging.

• 15:47Matt McCusker?

  I got to pee next to one of the guys and I was just kind of, I didn't like look at his dick, but I was, I was kind of admiring him. Like damn, I wish I was with you guys. I'm with my fucking wife, her natural tits. And I'm just, you guys have giant fake titted wa, like dude, nipples flying out of the shirt. And they just sat there in like pink polos with huge heads and just menacing me from across the bar.

• 16:07Speaker 02

  That sounds wonderful.

• 16:08Matt McCusker?

  It was awesome.

• 16:09Speaker 02

  I grew up in Massachusetts. There was no Polish people, I feel like. Maybe there was one Wozniak in my school. I forget her name. But it was all Irish, Italian, English.

• 16:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 16:18Speaker 02

  And like three black people.

• 16:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we had zero black people. Well, yeah, zero, a couple of Mexican guys, but we had pretty much just Irish, Italian, and then some Polish.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  I didn't start differentiating white people until I started comedy. And then y'all kind of made it clear that y'all are different.

• 16:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  But I thought, like, I didn't know Jews weren't white people for the longest time.

• 16:37Matt McCusker?

  They are. Don't let them lie to you.

• 16:38Speaker 02

  That's what I think.

• 16:39Matt McCusker?

  They're fucking white.

• 16:40Speaker 02

  I think if you can hide it a little bit, then you're not, you know.

• 16:45Matt McCusker?

  I similarly discovered Jewish people late in life as well.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:49Matt McCusker?

  Because I went to Catholic school for 12 years, so I for real didn't know any Jewish people.

• 16:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, we had very few Jews. But this is how few Jews we had. I was in Great Neck, Long Island, where there's a lot of, um, I always confuse Orthodox and what's the other one?

• 17:04Matt McCusker?

  Hasidic.

• 17:05Speaker 02

  Hasidic, yeah, yeah.

• 17:06Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  And, uh, I think these were Hasidic with the thing and the, and my, a family member, I don't want to out specifically in case she gets up, but a family member was like, uh, I thought they couldn't be out like during the day. I said, God, and we were like in our twenties. I was like, during the day? What are they fucking vampires?

• 17:27Speaker 02

  No, no, they go out during the day. They got jobs and everything. It's, uh.

• 17:32Matt McCusker?

  So you can't see their horns?

• 17:35Speaker 02

  I was kind of like blown away. I was like, what? But maybe she thought use electricity on Saturday?

• 17:40Matt McCusker?

  That is the thing. My, yeah, my, uh, one of my friends lived next door to some of those guys. They weren't the curly guy. I get them confused too. I think they were Orthodox. So they would have him, a Gentile, come to their house and like flick the lights for them.

• 17:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's a lot of that.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. Do they pay you for those services?

• 17:56Matt McCusker?

  What do you think, Nate?

• 17:59Matt McCusker?

  Nate, you sent me up there. I think it was just a general goodwill.

• 18:05Matt McCusker?

  I think the day before nine 11, they were like, yo, by the way, just be careful.

• 18:11Matt McCusker?

  Jews are having a tough time right now, by the way.

• 18:14Speaker 01

  They are.

• 18:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I personally like them, but a lot of people are fucking, I do. I was raised in a very pro-Jew house. My dad, he would always be like, I love Jewish people.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  I love, I love Jewish people too.

• 18:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he loved, he's, and he, but it was funny because he'd be like, dude, I love the Jews. I just love how they operate with their money. And I'd be like, all right, I was a little kid being like, cool.

• 18:36Matt McCusker?

  He would tell us, he was like, he would say he's an Irish Jew.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  No kidding. Yeah, they never came, isn't that Scottish, folks? Scottish people are known for being very frugal.

• 18:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, my dad would for real like use their, he would like admire the things people hate about them. He's like, I love the way they act with their money. He's like, more people gotta do it. I'm like, nice dad. Not trying to buy your dad, but that is my favorite thing about Jewish people. People knock them for that, but I think it's cool as hell to be like, these are my bros. I'm gonna look out for my bros. I, yep, well, yeah, they're very, when you, when you really look into the religion, it gets a little spooky. It really does. Like if you read about it, it's like a love, love the squad, but like you read about what they're up to and you're kind of like.

• 19:16Speaker 01

  But isn't that if you look into any religion, like?

• 19:18Matt McCusker?

  Not really, dude. Looking at Christianity. Magic Christianity.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  Who's getting fed to tigers and lions?

• 19:25Matt McCusker?

  That's Christians?

• 19:26Speaker 01

  That's the fucking Romans, dude.

• 19:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, and they were feeding Christians to? Yeah, they're feeding everybody.

• 19:30Speaker 01

  Okay, okay.

• 19:31Matt McCusker?

  Romans are feeding everybody.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  It's not a special thing that happened where like Catholics was getting fed to lions? Am I remembered?

• 19:35Matt McCusker?

  They did, not Catholics, but well, Christians.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Okay, okay.

• 19:38Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by PrizePix.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  Man.

• 19:42Matt McCusker?

  You have to sound like Shane too.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Football is back.

• 19:46Matt McCusker?

  I can't, I can't do it.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  You have to sound like him.

• 19:47Matt McCusker?

  Legally, legally, you have to sound like him.

• 19:50Speaker 01

  Football is back, baby. What an absolute, what an absolute crazy weekend of football. Week one was quarterbacks throwing touchdowns, running backs, running, linemen pushing each other. That one wide receiver who did that one thing, that was insane, man. I'm so pumped. Sorry, dude. I know you're, you're not really a football guy.

• 20:09Matt McCusker?

  You're talking about that one wide receiver who did that thing in the one game?

• 20:14Speaker 01

  Oh, wait, so you're about that football accent?

• 20:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I cooked up like 20 different lineups this weekend on PrizePix. It was simple, quick and fun.

• 20:21Speaker 01

  Oh, so you about that real money feels good to be right, football accent?

• 20:26Matt McCusker?

  That sentence doesn't make sense, but it felt so good, man. More on rushing yards, less on kicker field goals, more on touchdowns, less on pass attempts. Shane, I did it all.

• 20:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, man. And this weekend Travis Kelsey is at max discount, too.

• 20:40Matt McCusker?

  Travis Kelsey?

• 20:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, he just needs one yard for you to win on prize picks this Sunday.

• 20:46Matt McCusker?

  Travis Kelsey.

• 20:47Speaker 02

  Travis Kelsey.

• 20:48Matt McCusker?

  Prize picks.

• 20:49Speaker 02

  It's good to be right.

• 20:51Matt McCusker?

  Download the app today and use code DRENCH to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code DRENCH to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. It's good to be right.

• 21:06Speaker 02

  Who do you think the funniest group is? Cause Jews gotta be up there.

• 21:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're up there.

• 21:10Speaker 02

  I mean, it's between Jews and black people, I feel like, don't you think?

• 21:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 21:13Speaker 02

  Pound for pound through like the last hundred years or so.

• 21:17Matt McCusker?

  I'd say, yeah. And then third, giving it to the Italians.

• 21:20Speaker 02

  What?

• 21:21Speaker 01

  Italians make me laugh, dog.

• 21:23Matt McCusker?

  No, no, black people love Italians. You can't, black people love Italians. Honestly, black people want to be Italian.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  They want to be Italian?

• 21:31Matt McCusker?

  Yes, you do. Black people want to be Italians.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  Italians want to be black people.

• 21:34Matt McCusker?

  Every time I see a black dude eating spaghetti on Instagram, they all think they're Al Capone. If you're a black dude, spaghetti.

• 21:40Speaker 02

  Very similar. I mean, you have big dicks, funny, kinda loud, and very stylish. Clothing's a big deal.

• 21:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. That's true. I don't know. I've always liked Italians. My wife does it. She's like, she'll only talk about Italians like they're cool. And I'm like, they're not fucking cool.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  They're fucking.

• 21:56Matt McCusker?

  Get over this.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  The coolest.

• 21:57Matt McCusker?

  This is a bug in your programming.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  They're definitely the coolest whites.

• 22:00Speaker 02

  Well, it depends on if we're talking about like standup comedy funny or just hanging out funny. Like Italians accidentally are fucking, oh, hey, what the fuck? Look at you, look at me. That's funny. Similarly with black people, it's just a funny way of talking, a funnier vernacular than, you know, certainly. But if you do standup, Irish really making a great push. As a Boston guy, I feel like I have.

• 22:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I would say Ireland is the land of the poets for sure.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, y'all, I like y'all a lot too, but just Italians are more, they're, they're, they're like a good Marvel movie. They're dumb funny.

• 22:35Matt McCusker?

  They are dumb funny.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. Italians are good. But black people might be number one. I mean, you think for pound for pound? I mean, you're just, you're just hanging out with a black guy. He's gonna be funnier than most of the white guys.

• 22:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I feel like, you know what it is though? But then it's like, yeah, for sure. A hundred percent. But then it's like, I feel like a lot of black dudes get all the juice. You know, cause there's a lot of black dudes that were just kinda just like.

• 22:57Matt McCusker?

  Boring, kind of. I always feel bad. You be a boring white guy, you're totally fine, but being like a boring black guy sucks.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. No, yeah, I know a few that you're like, wow, really skipped a generation.

• 23:09Speaker 02

  Well, I always tell the story. I was on the subway one time and there was two guys yelling across, like one was at the other stop. So it was like 50 feet away and they were just having a conversation and this guy, he said the N word, but I'll clean it up. But he's like, he's like, yo, that motherfucker's so sweaty. He looked like he put a water balloon in a, in a headlock. And I was like, that's like poetry. That's like, I'm like, did he just make that up? A water balloon in a headlock? I was like, that's like better than anything I've heard in three years.

• 23:35Matt McCusker?

  The funniest thing I've ever heard was a long, long time ago. I was in Philly, just, you know, doing stand up in the early days. And I used to do a lot of black rooms and this one guy, there was a Muslim dude in the crowd and he was just like, yo, how'd you get your, how many turtles do you have to sell to get your red beard, man? At what point do they upgrade? And it was just like, I was like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. They say after you sell your hundredth turtle, you get to dye your beard red.

• 23:57Matt McCusker?

  Why do Muslims dye their beard red, by the way? Henna? Like tats?

• 24:04Speaker 01

  Like fake dye?

• 24:05Speaker 02

  Oh, I thought some of them just had red beards, like pirates.

• 24:09Matt McCusker?

  It's like dye. It's like party dye.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  I honestly have no idea.

• 24:13Speaker 02

  No, I don't know. I'm finding out I'm not very cultured here. I didn't know the Polish thing, the fat dick Polish stuff, the red beard.

• 24:21Matt McCusker?

  I've, I've heard it. I don't know where I heard that from. I've read a book where they talked about a Polish guy who would call, he would call his dick the Polish hog.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  But did he write the book?

• 24:31Matt McCusker?

  No, the guy who wrote it was not Polish. He was not.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  It's a kid's book?

• 24:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Daddy, why is your Polish friend's dick so fat?

• 24:42Speaker 02

  Dying the beard red with henna is a Sunda practice. So it's a Muslim thing.

• 24:48Matt McCusker?

  But what the, why?

• 24:49Speaker 02

  It's just something about Mohammed.

• 24:51Matt McCusker?

  Oh, oh, it's like the blood of your enemies or something?

• 24:54Speaker 02

  Could be. I don't know.

• 24:54Matt McCusker?

  The blood of the infidel?

• 24:57Speaker 02

  I'm getting nervous now.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, Mohammed apparently encouraged his.

• 25:04Matt McCusker?

  That's kinda cool though, I can get behind that. Well, you're talking about Mohammed was a fierce warrior, I was paying respects.

• 25:09Speaker 02

  Yes, absolutely.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  Hell yeah.

• 25:11Matt McCusker?

  Absolutely. What's what, uh, what else is going on?

• 25:16Speaker 02

  Oh, boy.

• 25:18Matt McCusker?

  Now Muslims are, they're cool, they're chilling, bro. They were at Public Enemy number one for like 10 years ago. Public Enemy number one.

• 25:24Speaker 02

  Certainly 24 years ago, almost to the day.

• 25:26Matt McCusker?

  True. It was quick math you did in there, that actually was pretty good.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, coming up on the big ante.

• 25:35Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 25:36Speaker 02

  Where were you guys for 9/11?

• 25:37Matt McCusker?

  Grade school.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:39Matt McCusker?

  I was so happy, I was in, no, I was in high school, I was in high school, my bad, my bad. Yeah, I was definitely in high school, my bad, I was like a junior, yeah, I was like a sophomore.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  You were like hell.

• 25:50Matt McCusker?

  Sophomore in high school, that's where I was.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 25:52Matt McCusker?

  And they like wheeled a TV into the class and like showed us the news and I still was completely lost on me.

• 25:58Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 25:59Matt McCusker?

  I was like, are we getting out early or not? And then we did, and I was like, nice.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  9/11 didn't hit me for how fucked up it was until like this year, I watched that, uh...

• 26:08Matt McCusker?

  Like, for real. I watched that, that Osama Bin Laden doc where the first episode breaks down the, the... And that was like, that was the first time I really watched it as an adult, and I'm sitting there like, and I had lived in New York since then, so I'm sitting there like, oh, that was like for real. But when I was a kid, I was just like, oh, yeah, shit.

• 26:24Speaker 02

  Well, I guess it feels normal-ish, like if you're young.

• 26:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 26:27Speaker 02

  Well, how old are you?

• 26:28Speaker 01

  I was in sixth grade, so I was probably like 12.

• 26:32Speaker 02

  12, yeah.

• 26:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I was, I don't know what the hell I was talking about, I was definitely 15 or, I was like 15 years old.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  I was 19.

• 26:39Matt McCusker?

  Okay, so you're...

• 26:40Speaker 02

  So I was at home, like I was, I had graduated high school, I was just doing stand-up and nothing else, and my sister woke me up and said that somebody's shooting at the World Trade Center, because I think it was like new, she didn't, nobody knew, she was like, they're shooting at the World Trade Center, I was like, oh wow, that's crazy.

• 26:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  And I woke up and it was wild.

• 26:55Matt McCusker?

  Saw the planes, yeah, we, I don't know, I remember being, for real, I, I, I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was just excited to get out of school.

• 27:01Speaker 02

  No, I think that's fair, I think that's most people that were in school.

• 27:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, just sent us home, and I was like, sweet, my parents were like kinda freaking out, and I was like, whatever.

• 27:10Speaker 02

  Maybe not the New Yorkers, they probably weren't.

• 27:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, that must've been terrible, yeah.

• 27:14Matt McCusker?

  Funny, cause I was like, pretty close. I was right in Philadelphia. So I was like, not that far from it.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  Right.

• 27:18Matt McCusker?

  But it could have been, it was like, might as well have been on the other side of the country. I was just like, well, not my problem.

• 27:22Speaker 02

  I was there in August. I have a photo of the World Trade Center from like, August 2nd or something like that. I was like, underneath it.

• 27:28Matt McCusker?

  Whoa, the wreckage you're saying?

• 27:30Speaker 02

  No, no, no, like, a month before.

• 27:32Matt McCusker?

  The old one?

• 27:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, the Twin Towers. Like, I was there like, six weeks before that.

• 27:36Matt McCusker?

  The new one's the biggest, uh, building in America.

• 27:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, in the western hemisphere. I live right in across the street.

• 27:41Matt McCusker?

  Do you really?

• 27:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's right out my window.

• 27:43Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome.

• 27:43Speaker 02

  Just want people to know where I live. After all that Muslim talk, I want to let people know my exact address.

• 27:50Matt McCusker?

  I, dude, I mean, I could be wrong. I was taking a wild guess. I don't know what, can you look up the origins of the red dye? It's probably not that.

• 27:59Speaker 02

  But.

• 28:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

• 28:01Speaker 02

  I love that. I was like, we're like, let's get off this Muslim stuff. Let's talk nine 11.

• 28:06Speaker 03

  It says, uh, it says it's just a act of devotion.

• 28:10Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 28:10Speaker 03

  And, uh, you know, for older men, it's a nice way to maintain groomed and presentable while embracing your age.

• 28:18Matt McCusker?

  Oh, it's to hide the gray?

• 28:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, I guess so.

• 28:21Matt McCusker?

  So probably go bald, dye the beard gray.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  Some people do black instead. It's just.

• 28:26Matt McCusker?

  Some people do just jet black?

• 28:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:28Matt McCusker?

  That's pretty tight.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  That's cool.

• 28:31Speaker 03

  I guess.

• 28:33Matt McCusker?

  So it's just kind of like, you know?

• 28:35Speaker 03

  I think it's just like a swag thing.

• 28:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, it feels like a way to just, yeah, look like you're not aging.

• 28:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's kind of what I'm hearing, yeah. That's smart.

• 28:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, we got toupees for, uh, for the religion.

• 28:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, for Mohammed.

• 28:48Matt McCusker?

  I've, I've talked to a Muslim guy, an Uber driver, and I was asking him like, what's the deal with like, for real, the multiple wives? Is it like, it can't be as cool as everyone says.

• 28:56Speaker 02

  What's the deal with the multiple wives?

• 28:59Speaker 02

  Dude, I do. Who are these wives?

• 29:02Matt McCusker?

  How do they get along? I do a, uh, happy to chat in Uber. And most people will check it and be like, some people check it and they're like, fuck this guy, I'm not doing it. But a lot of them will check and be like, I now have to entertain this guy. And they'll just chat me up.

• 29:14Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 29:15Matt McCusker?

  It's so fun.

• 29:16Speaker 02

  I didn't know you could do that.

• 29:17Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah, you can select preferences. You can, you can select, shut the fuck up, basically.

• 29:20Speaker 02

  But they get pissed when you select.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  Shut the fuck up.

• 29:22Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 29:23Speaker 02

  Maybe here, but New York, I've never had a driver talk to me one time ever in New York City.

• 29:29Matt McCusker?

  They can't probably, they probably can't.

• 29:31Speaker 02

  What do you mean?

• 29:32Matt McCusker?

  Do you ever try, do you ever see their phones?

• 29:33Speaker 02

  Oh, they speak English?

• 29:34Matt McCusker?

  They're fucking like Space Invaders shit on their phone. See, I see the letters, I'm like, I don't even know what that is.

• 29:39Speaker 02

  I was thinking like unable, like not allowed to, I realize that you're saying they can't speak the language.

• 29:45Matt McCusker?

  I don't know, I could be wrong. I feel like it's much more business in New York. Getting an Uber, it's, they have like half taxi hybrid stuff.

• 29:50Speaker 02

  Right, right. But that's what I hate about the middle of the country is like you go to Omaha and you get picked up and they're like, well, so what brings you here? And you're like, oh, fuck.

• 29:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. No, I love that. I love, because I'll start asking them, I was, dude, I've had some fantastic conversations in Ubers. He's got like a 20 minute ride and I'll just start chatting them up. It's kind of fun.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  I've had some decent.

• 30:09Matt McCusker?

  A lot of divorced guys, a lot of divorced guys. I've had a lot of tales of like love lost and.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  That's definitely the job you do as soon as everything falls apart. You have your other job and you're like, I gotta do something else with my time. Got to get an apartment.

• 30:23Speaker 02

  Have you been recognized in a Lyft?

• 30:25Matt McCusker?

  Hmm?

• 30:25Speaker 02

  Have you been recognized in a Lyft?

• 30:27Matt McCusker?

  I don't know. I maybe once, but no, no, I've like beat around that bush here and there and then people. I've had people talk to me about chaining lifts and they're like, dude, this guy Shane Gillis is so funny.

• 30:39Speaker 02

  Oh, that's great.

• 30:40Matt McCusker?

  Like, yeah, he's good. He's great. He's awesome. I should start trashing him. Like, I've heard he's a fucking giant asshole.

• 30:45Speaker 02

  He's a piece of shit, that guy. No kidding? They'd probably kick you out though, like Big Lebowski.

• 30:51Matt McCusker?

  Get the fuck out of my. You don't say shit about him.

• 30:54Speaker 02

  He'd definitely get one star.

• 30:56Matt McCusker?

  It's happened to me a lot. I've been in gyms and like this one guy, I swear to God, because at first I was like, almost like, does this guy know of the podcast? And I don't think he did at all, but I was in a gym on the road. It was like getting guest passed. The one guy wore, he was like leaning into fall fashion and the other guy at the gym was like, Shane would think you're gay. And I was just like, whoa, his fucking, his net has traveled into like Lifetime Fitness. Yeah, it's pretty great.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  I had a, I had a forty one of those once where a dude couldn't remember his name. He was describing, he was just stopped me in the street and was like, as long as I was trying to move down here, some dude was trying to like, talk to me about his comedy or whatever. He didn't know I was a comic, he just started talking to me drunk. And he started, I just asked him like, who's favorite comic was, just trying to small talk him, I was just smoking a J, trying to kill time, and then he goes, ah, this guy, he goes on Rogan, he, uh, he talks about politics. So I was like, alright, that's not Shane, so I'm, I go like, Tim Dillon. And he goes, he's like a handsome Tim Dillon. And I don't know why, it just was so fucking funny to refer to as a handsome Tim Dillon.

• 31:56Speaker 02

  But fuck is, Tim is a very handsome guy.

• 31:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  He's just, you know, obese.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  If you see young Tim Dillon, he's very handsome, blue eyes, he's a very attractive man.

• 32:06Matt McCusker?

  He is an attractive male.

• 32:07Speaker 02

  I blew him.

• 32:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, no, the, uh, it is fun, getting in the Uber, I, I will say, getting guys from Pakistan in an Uber, the one I get them fired up on, I go, what do you think about American women? And they just do, they go off, it's the best, it's so funny.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  Well, they're no good.

• 32:24Matt McCusker?

  And also, no one believed me, the divorce rate in Pakistan, he was like, what is the divorce rate in Pakistan? I was like, I don't know, what do you guys got, like, ten percent? He was like, one percent.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 32:33Matt McCusker?

  And nobody believes me, they look it up, it's literally one percent, the divorce rate in Pakistan.

• 32:37Speaker 02

  Is it a sin? What's, what's the?

• 32:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I think it's like, completely frowned upon.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  How often do wives die in Pakistan?

• 32:44Speaker 02

  Now you're on to something.

• 32:45Matt McCusker?

  I think I got.

• 32:46Speaker 02

  Ninety percent of wives die before the age of forty in Pakistan.

• 32:49Matt McCusker?

  No, but I, well, yeah, or maybe in Pakistan, I don't know, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's like, you can get a little, you can get like, you can use bouncer rules.

• 32:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 32:59Matt McCusker?

  You gotta fold their hands across their chest, move them out of the room.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  Put them to time out.

• 33:02Matt McCusker?

  But also, when I was asking the guy about multiple wives, he was like, it's not like everyone says, yeah, you can totally get another wife, but you need to be able to prove that you have the resources to care for them.

• 33:11Speaker 02

  Oh, interesting.

• 33:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, and, and you gotta like, it's a whole thing, you gotta like, put them together, make sure they get along, but he's like, yeah, you're totally, well, totally within your right.

• 33:19Speaker 02

  And you could just hang out in the house with both of them? It's not like, separate homes?

• 33:22Matt McCusker?

  I think it's separate homes, I think you need to be able to have, I think, I could be wrong, but the way he described it is, you gotta be able to like, fully support another, but I feel like in Pakistan, I don't think you'd, I don't know, I think you'd be able to just kinda put them in like, apartment A, apartment B, maybe.

• 33:36Speaker 02

  I'm just thinking out loud over here.

• 33:38Matt McCusker?

  No, it was, he was kinda, he was like, it's not as cool as everyone says, which I'm like, I agree. I'm like, I've talked to people about the multiple wife thing. I think it is not as cool as people say.

• 33:47Speaker 01

  One wife, couple girlfriends.

• 33:49Matt McCusker?

  Dude, my, my youngest daughter is like, really wants me to get a girlfriend. She keeps saying, she's like, dad, you have a girlfriend? I'm like, no, I'm married. She's like, dad, you need a girlfriend. I'm like, alright.

• 34:02Matt McCusker?

  So I thought you'd be furious if I had a girlfriend. It's the only reason I don't have a girlfriend.

• 34:09Speaker 02

  You brought it up to your wife?

• 34:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I tell her all the time. I'm like, Chloe wants me to get a girlfriend.

• 34:15Matt McCusker?

  I don't know, I feel like if she got older, she would take, I'd be like, dude, you said, when you were three.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  Gotta get it in right.

• 34:21Matt McCusker?

  You know what weirds me out? The hall pass talk among couples. I'm like, who would your hall pass be? It's like, don't talk about that.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, we never had that conversation, but.

• 34:30Matt McCusker?

  It's a, it's a totally fruitless conversation.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:33Matt McCusker?

  Cause you already know, it's like, yeah, just be like, I don't know, I think it's fucking lame. I don't like it.

• 34:39Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't like it, cause I know you're not saying your, the real thought. Like, if I asked her, she would say somebody that would be unattainable. But her real hall pass, she'd wanna say is just like, a guy she worked with.

• 34:53Speaker 01

  Just one of your close friends.

• 34:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the guy she's always thinking about, you mean?

• 34:57Speaker 02

  Well, that's what I think. I think everyone secretly wants to fuck their spouse's friends.

• 35:02Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 35:03Speaker 02

  Don't you think? Or siblings?

• 35:04Matt McCusker?

  Ah, I can see where you're coming from, but I don't.

• 35:13Speaker 02

  Like, if I could have sex with any woman, it wouldn't be Anne Hathaway. It would be, you know, my wife's.

• 35:18Matt McCusker?

  Friends.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  Art, we'll say.

• 35:22Speaker 02

  But yeah, one of her buddies.

• 35:26Speaker 02

  You know, her childhood friend, something.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  I'm trying to run through the list. In my head.

• 35:31Matt McCusker?

  I don't know. I think it might just be like the first person I see outside.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  Right.

• 35:36Speaker 01

  Should be our neighbor.

• 35:37Speaker 03

  Across the hall.

• 35:39Speaker 02

  I think that's the case. I think most guys cheat with like a less attractive woman.

• 35:43Matt McCusker?

  I've heard that.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  Something.

• 35:44Matt McCusker?

  I've heard that, yeah. I wonder if that's true. Well.

• 35:47Speaker 02

  I think you want to feel guilt free.

• 35:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  So that way, if you get caught, you can be like, she's a fucking pig.

• 35:53Matt McCusker?

  Nothing compared to you.

• 35:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, she's gross. She's ugly.

• 35:57Speaker 01

  Or she can be super high and be like, what am I supposed to do? Say no to that? She's way better than you.

• 36:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's a good point.

• 36:02Matt McCusker?

  I always thought it was just younger. It's like you have sex with a younger lady.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 36:08Matt McCusker?

  Kind of like the, I think there's always go like at a pizza shop. I think every like female cashier is in the hot seat in terms of like the 50 year old Italian guy.

• 36:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:17Matt McCusker?

  I've heard of that happening a lot.

• 36:20Speaker 03

  In New Jersey, every high school girl gets lightly molested by their pizza shop manager boss.

• 36:26Matt McCusker?

  Really? Dude, even Burger King, like a Burger King, there's like, it's all like high school kids, a lot of girls working there. If every Burger King, there's like a 40 year old manager who's like, chances are he's being, you know, an ephiphiol, let's say.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  Right.

• 36:41Matt McCusker?

  He's, yeah, I've, I've heard, I've heard about, I've heard tales like that.

• 36:44Speaker 01

  I used to work with this, I ain't going, I'm trying to be vague. I used to work with this guy. He was like smashing one of the, she was like 18.

• 36:51Matt McCusker?

  Like 18?

• 36:53Speaker 01

  She was 18 or 19.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  She was similar to 18.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  I think, I think she was 18. I got, she was 18 or 19. That's how I remember it. I think I would have been, I was like 16 then, so I think I would have still known if it was real fucked up. But anyway, I just remember.

• 37:08Matt McCusker?

  Not back then, you wouldn't.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  That's what I'm trying to remember. That's why I'm saying like, I'm trying to run it in my head like, what?

• 37:13Matt McCusker?

  Whatever.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  I, I think 18 though, I really do. Um, cause I know she was like a senior in high school and shit, but anyway.

• 37:20Speaker 02

  You're sweating.

• 37:21Speaker 01

  It wasn't me. But the, the guy, I remember he would just, he was just always like take her into the, just when we clean up the store, take her into the fitting room. They'd fuck, we, I was like the only one who knew. And her boyfriend would just pick her up afterwards and I'd, and I'd see it. I just, I didn't know him. Like we didn't go to school together or anything. It's just, and the one time I just saw her walk out and kiss him on the lips, like as soon as they got, and I just was like, I, oh my God.

• 37:48Matt McCusker?

  So she gave him a nice greeting though.

• 37:50Speaker 02

  She snowballed, you know?

• 37:52Speaker 03

  She snowballed him.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  Yeah. Bring your chick home. She's got fresh. Lower for a Burger King manager. I'm into it. Been around a long time, you know, it's kind of fun.

• 38:03Matt McCusker?

  It's tough being a high school aged male. Yeah, cuz it's tough. You never know.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I got, I got dominated like that. I heard some chick I used to date, she used to get picked up by some old guy. Just one of her friends told me, he had some dude, he was like 25, she was like 16, just used to pick her up from her Wendy's job.

• 38:19Matt McCusker?

  We used to go to a, when I was growing up, like in high school, we would go to this place called Painter's Crossing. It was just like a shopping center, like an AMC movie place. And just like, you know, random other bullshit restaurants, like a Friendly's. And we would see those like, cool Honda Civics with spoilers pull up and they were like sharks. They were just 25 year old dudes who would just come prey on your like cool high school girlfriends. You'd be like, come on, let's get out of here.

• 38:45Matt McCusker?

  No, they're here. They would just circle the park and stand outside of their cars. And you'd have to like get your girlfriend out of there cuz she would get molested by an older man.

• 38:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, I remember, my girlfriend was a year younger than me and then I didn't go to college. And then she graduated, went to college and we broke up. I like initiated the breakup cuz I was like, you wanna break up, right? Like clearly, this isn't gonna be great. And I started doing comedy, so I was like hanging out with like 50 year old men immediately. And then I'd be like, come on, I'm doing comedy. It would just be a bunch of middle aged guys and like me. She's like, this is awful. And then I'd go visit her at college and it's just the hottest football play guy. And I'm like, I was like, you wanna break up?

• 39:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:26Speaker 02

  She was too nice to do it.

• 39:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, and I, I, I feel like, I could just, I could be wrong about this, but I feel like in that situation, a girl would just be like, I like that comfort of having a boyfriend, then I'm gonna get here and slowly leave him.

• 39:38Speaker 01

  Definitely cheat a little too, I think.

• 39:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I would imagine. Yeah. I did the right thing in high school. I broke up. I was dating someone. I was just like, we can't, when I go to high school and I felt bad about, or when I go to college. She was pissed. Yeah, she was in eighth grade.

• 39:54Matt McCusker?

  She had an eighth grade volleyball.

• 39:57Matt McCusker?

  But you can't, I mean, that destroys, that destroys, uh, high school romance. I had a guy like sit me down a long time ago and be like, bro, like, trying to talk me out of my high school sweetheart. He's like, you guys are gonna last. And I was like, fuck dude, why, why, why you doing this to me? He was like, just move on.

• 40:14Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 40:14Matt McCusker?

  It's kind of rough.

• 40:17Matt McCusker?

  But I mean, yeah, he was, he was wise. I should have. He said, this will never last. I was like, all right. Well, thanks, man.

• 40:22Speaker 02

  I only broke up with one woman my whole life and she accused me of cheating. It was kind of hot. She was like, you're, you cheating on me. She was Italian. She was like, you're cheating on me. I know it. You piece of shit. I'm not. I wish I was.

• 40:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 40:33Speaker 02

  I was like, I just don't care for you.

• 40:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I would say breaking up, I still think breaking up with is infinitely harder than getting broken up with.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I remember having like a panic attack. It was horrible.

• 40:43Matt McCusker?

  Oh, it's horrible. It's like literally the most lethal, lethal or like, you know, brutal conversation you can have to be like, hey, I don't want to, don't want to see you ever again. It's essentially what you're saying. Or like, I would, I'm open to it, but I just want to just, you know, maybe if we could be like stranger, more like strangers to each other.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, it was rough. I had a thing. It was funny. I was dating this woman and I just didn't like, I only dated her because I was single for like seven years. And I thought people were gonna think I was gay. I was like, I gotta get a girlfriend so people don't just think I'm gay. And so I knew her from work. So I started dating, but I never liked her. I wasn't into her. It was just whatever.

• 41:18Matt McCusker?

  She was like a beard, basically.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

• 41:23Speaker 02

  So we were dating and then it was like, I wanted to break up with her, but I didn't. And then Christmas was like coming upon us. And I was like, shit, I gotta get her a fucking gift because I just put off breaking up with her. And literally I was driving to meet up with her like on December 23rd. It was like Christmas Eve, Eve. And I was like, oh dude, I remember we were at this store one time and she said she liked this picture of Audrey Hepburn. I'm like, I'll stop and pick that up. And so I just grabbed it on the way there, handed it to her like Merry Christmas and she opened it and just started bawling. She's like, nobody's ever loved me this much. You remembered? And I was like, fuck.

• 41:56Matt McCusker?

  You're right.

• 41:57Speaker 02

  Because I wanted to break up with her and then I just bought like some random shit. I'm like, I kind of remember she bought that. And she had dated like bad boys or whatever before I went with a nice guy. And so I just nailed the gift. And I was like, I just fucking, she was like literally crying like, no one's ever loved me like this in my life. And I was like, oh, god damn it. But then, right after Christmas, my grandfather died and then she didn't come to the funeral and I used that.

• 42:21Matt McCusker?

  Perfect.

• 42:22Speaker 02

  As an excuse. She's like, I didn't even know you wanted me there. You didn't even tell me where it was. I was like, well, you should have looked it up. You fucking careless bitch. So I was like, that was my out. But I remember being horrified, like truly like shaking.

• 42:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you think about it for like three months. By the time you're getting broken up with, the person's probably thought about it for anywhere from six months.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  Yeah. And now she's married and I'm married.

• 42:45Matt McCusker?

  That's good.

• 42:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're dope.

• 42:46Matt McCusker?

  My, my dad and Jess, when I was in grade school, told me to always break up with the girl before Christmas so I didn't have to buy her anything. And I like actually did that one time, like right before Christmas. And it was, I was like.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  For real to me, this thing you can do.

• 43:00Matt McCusker?

  I know. Yeah. I was just like, I was like in seventh, you know, and you're like, we're dating, but you don't ever even see the person. You just like hold hands in recess for three days.

• 43:08Speaker 02

  Your dad's like, I meant October, you fucking.

• 43:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I felt mad about that. It was funny having like a girlfriend in like seventh grade and you just, they'd be like, we're dating and you just see them at recess and then you break up two days later.

• 43:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, I had that in fifth grade. Jen, Jen McCarthy. Not to be confused with Jenny McCarthy. Anti-vax hot lady, but yeah. And we, she was dating two guys. She was dating Matt, Will and, and me and, because you didn't hook up. We were in fifth grade. We didn't even kiss.

• 43:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:38Speaker 02

  So she's like, these are my two boyfriends. And then the three of us would like hang out.

• 43:42Matt McCusker?

  You're in a polio.

• 43:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. It was pretty cool. And then, uh, yeah, you just broke up because like summer happened and you didn't have any way of seeing her.

• 43:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:52Speaker 02

  You're like, all right, that was that.

• 43:54Matt McCusker?

  She broke up with both of you?

• 43:55Speaker 02

  I don't even remember. I think she was more into him because he was more of a, like a fatherless. Man. So I think he was probably fingering her and I was like. Like it felt like they definitely had.

• 44:07Matt McCusker?

  Were doing stuff.

• 44:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I was just like, oh.

• 44:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I remember being in grade school, I think I might've been in sixth grade and then eighth, I was just like sitting, you know, like on the maybe gymnasium floor at like an assembly. And an eighth grade girl laid her boob on my hand.

• 44:21Speaker 02

  Whoa.

• 44:22Matt McCusker?

  And I just sat there.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  You said eighth grade?

• 44:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, bro. Yeah, bro. It was awesome. And I just sat, I just remember just my hand, just feeling the pressure of her boob for an entire assembly. Then she got up and I was so confused because I was like, is that my fucking girlfriend now?

• 44:36Speaker 02

  Is that a base? I don't even know.

• 44:38Matt McCusker?

  It was over the shirt, second base, technically, but it was back in my hand, so.

• 44:42Speaker 02

  Still something.

• 44:43Matt McCusker?

  It was, it was definitely something. Yeah, it was so much so that I was like, can you just touch ladies boobs? Is that like a thing? I would, we had tables in my grade school and I would slowly elbow over and like hit the lady's boob next to me and they'd be like, get off me. And I'm like, I don't know. One lady laid on my arm. I thought it was like, I don't know. I thought you guys, I thought you might want to rest your tits on my elbows.

• 45:03Speaker 02

  I wish I could redo life, you know? Don't we all?

• 45:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 45:07Speaker 02

  I feel like I could really do, but not that I would be like a crazy pussy crushing man, you know, I'm still me, but I think if I had a little more confidence, I could have had more sex.

• 45:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 45:18Speaker 02

  Even in high school, I feel like I could have.

• 45:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  I write for myself.

• 45:21Matt McCusker?

  No, it happened. I was like not, nothing really doing. And then a little bit, little bit in late grade school and that, not sex, obviously. That's weird. When people have sex and they're in eighth grade, I'm like.

• 45:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:32Matt McCusker?

  It's kind of freaks me out. But I remember I got, I like lost a bunch of weight my junior year and it just, I got like shredded out of nowhere. I got, I kept getting grounded for drinking. So I would just like act like I was in prison and just do like pull ups in my face. And I got like actually shredded.

• 45:47Speaker 02

  Just reading spiritual books.

• 45:50Matt McCusker?

  Dye my beard red.

• 45:52Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, no, I, and yeah, I remember I just like hit this weird spurt of like, I've never gotten, never like, I don't know. I just hit like a, I went on like a tear in high school. Then like the beginning of college, just monstrous dry spell.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  I was just, I was just thinking about a lady and I realized I could have fucked in high school because she, she just followed me like a couple of weeks ago, like last week on Instagram. And I saw that and I thought of something she said to me that now I would have known it was like a green light. She was like, uh, I, I wish I could mess with you, but I'm, I'm, I'm kind of friends with your girlfriend. And like, but her saying that out loud is really going like, I'll fuck you and I won't tell your girl.

• 46:27Speaker 02

  You didn't realize this at the time?

• 46:28Speaker 01

  No, it was like in 10th grade. I just didn't take it. I don't know. I didn't, I didn't.

• 46:32Speaker 02

  That's fair. 10th grade, I guess.

• 46:34Speaker 01

  I might've been 10th, 11th. I think I tried to sell myself short. It was 11th.

• 46:37Speaker 02

  I was always so afraid of being a bad guy. You feel like if you make a move and she's like, what the fuck? You piece of shit. That was like such a fear, but.

• 46:43Speaker 01

  I grew up listening to hip hop. I ain't give a fuck about that shit.

• 46:47Matt McCusker?

  Uh, yeah, if anything, it was.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  It was like, nah, when I was young, like, we didn't, it was, it wasn't cool to kiss ladies.

• 46:54Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  I, I felt like that. I remember being like, somebody being like, oh, you kissed her? Like, cause they suck dicks. I know that's dumb now.

• 47:01Speaker 02

  Oh, I see, I see.

• 47:03Matt McCusker?

  I was thinking this is like the gayest thing I've ever heard.

• 47:05Speaker 01

  No.

• 47:06Speaker 02

  That's cause they were a homophobe.

• 47:07Matt McCusker?

  I see.

• 47:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:09Matt McCusker?

  I always looked at it, that was a chain of events. I still follow base procedure, by the way.

• 47:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, now you gotta.

• 47:15Matt McCusker?

  It's kiss, touch boobs, touch vagina, then have sex. I still hold it down that way.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  The girl I lost my virginity to, we didn't kiss for six months. We were dating, and I remember I was having a conversation with one of my friends about it as an adult, that that happened, and he was, and she cheated on me. She's the one who was like, the McDonald, the one getting picked up from Wendy's I was telling you about and shit like that. I also heard she got cheated on by like, getting a train rent or all that, all that stuff. Oh, she cheated on me doing that shit, yeah. But so we're talking about that, I talked about how they kissed her for six months, and he was like, you mean you dated a chick who was just letting you fuck her and not kiss her for six months? And you didn't realize she was a hoe? Like, she's not, she's like, yeah, you're doing the right thing, not kissing me. It's kind of her energy. I don't know, I thought that's.

• 47:57Matt McCusker?

  It's like Pretty Woman.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  Julia Roberts.

• 48:00Matt McCusker?

  She's not allowed to kiss. It is funny, you guys were like a serious relationship, though. You guys were like.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was the first person, I was like, I was on that, I love you, I was hanging out with her dad, it was all that stuff.

• 48:12Matt McCusker?

  Rap really, really was bad for everyone's brain, man. Yeah. I like sold coke for a while. I was like, this is so cool. And then you get older, like, that's such a bad.

• 48:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:23Matt McCusker?

  Negative thing to do.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  I could have ruined.

• 48:25Matt McCusker?

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• 49:10Matt McCusker?

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• 49:25Speaker 01

  Oh yeah.

• 49:25Matt McCusker?

  I like the colostrum. It's the stuff in breast milk that precedes.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  Oh, you gave me some of that. This was great.

• 49:31Matt McCusker?

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• 49:53Speaker 02

  Selling coke's pretty cool. You get money, right?

• 49:56Matt McCusker?

  You don't, honestly, I swear to God, dude, you don't make as much as you think. Cause I sold weed for a while too. I made way more money selling weed. Coke is like, unless you're getting like big amounts of it, you don't make as much for, in terms of like the risk of going to jail. If you just get like a couple ounces of coke and break them down into 20 bags. You like, you make money off of it, but nowhere near getting a couple pounds of weed and you would not, the jails like from like selling an eight ball to a pound of weed is like completely.

• 50:24Speaker 01

  Right. Dudes I knew who sold crack, like they never see.

• 50:27Matt McCusker?

  Heard that's pretty profitable.

• 50:29Speaker 01

  I don't, I never knew anybody who was top guy. You know what I mean? Everybody I knew, they were like fine. They were like, but they all, they lived together. Like it was like three brothers that I was hanging out with. One time they sent me to sell crack for. And I.

• 50:42Matt McCusker?

  Now we're off on a topic. Which fast food chain were you operating?

• 50:47Speaker 01

  So their house was like right down the street from this park called, I think it was Barbie's Park it was called. So I had to, I took the crack and I took their bike. And I saw you have to go up this bridge that's like up a hill and then down the hill. So I go up the hill, then I start going down the hill. The park's right at the end of the hill. And I realized as I'm going down the hill that the brakes on the bike don't work. So I'm going to. Sell crack and then I can't stop the bike and I spit out and fall.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  Oh, you gotta like, you gotta animate this. This is like fucking the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

• 51:20Speaker 01

  And then a car just stops, like slams on the brake. It's just two Puerto Rican dudes and they just started pointing and laughing. I don't like a civic. And then I, then I go selling.

• 51:31Matt McCusker?

  You started violating the vile.

• 51:32Speaker 01

  It was, no, it wasn't. I remember being in a vile though. That's how I always see him on TV, but it was in like a little, like same bag you put weed in.

• 51:39Matt McCusker?

  Right, right, right.

• 51:39Speaker 01

  And, uh.

• 51:40Matt McCusker?

  Excuse me.

• 51:44Matt McCusker?

  Did you complete the mission?

• 51:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, I completed the mission. It was for thirty bucks and then I went back and I think I just told him like, yeah, I fell on the bike.

• 51:52Speaker 02

  You tell me the bike. That is fucking hilarious.

• 51:55Matt McCusker?

  You dropped the crack mobile, dude.

• 51:56Speaker 02

  You're like, here's the crack. Do you guys have any, uh, gauze?

• 52:01Matt McCusker?

  I want to start a nonprofit that repairs young kids who sell crack's bicycles. Just make sure the brakes are good. Cause I didn't think about that. Yeah, there's probably a lot of like, kind of janky bikes going around there.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  I'm just, man, I know it told me.

• 52:14Matt McCusker?

  Huh?

• 52:16Speaker 03

  I was gonna say, there's a good chance that it was somebody else's bike.

• 52:19Matt McCusker?

  Oh, come on, Sean, Sean.

• 52:21Speaker 03

  No, I don't want to be a jerk. I didn't want to be a jerk.

• 52:23Speaker 01

  That's jacked up, man.

• 52:24Speaker 03

  I'm sorry. I tried to.

• 52:27Matt McCusker?

  I'm sorry, dude. Yeah, this song's probably right.

• 52:29Speaker 01

  Ah, crap.

• 52:30Speaker 03

  Sorry.

• 52:32Matt McCusker?

  That's nice to know though. If your bike gets stolen, it's like at least, you know.

• 52:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 52:37Matt McCusker?

  Someone, you know, someone's upperly mobile is trying to make the best of a bad situation.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  Also, you know, it's got fucked up brakes. So you're like, watch what happens.

• 52:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's crazy. They didn't warn you the bike ain't no brakes. Did you have to like use your, like sneakers to slow yourself down or like?

• 52:51Speaker 01

  I just remember falling. I don't remember exactly how, like what, like what I tried. I think I tried to like get off and hop and just.

• 52:57Matt McCusker?

  Who bought the crack?

• 52:58Speaker 01

  Uh, it was two people. It was like an older looking dude and a, it was a, and a younger guy, but like, I don't know them.

• 53:05Matt McCusker?

  Father and son.

• 53:06Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 53:08Matt McCusker?

  About to go to the baseball game.

• 53:12Speaker 01

  What are the two people in the Wire? The Bugsy and he had this guy that died.

• 53:18Matt McCusker?

  I forget.

• 53:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, never mind. Bad riff.

• 53:20Matt McCusker?

  Dang, so that was it? That was your, that was it for you?

• 53:23Speaker 01

  That was it. That's all weed.

• 53:24Matt McCusker?

  I think the bicycle was like, yeah, I can't trust these bikes.

• 53:27Speaker 02

  I'm not, I'm not cut out for this.

• 53:29Speaker 01

  I also was, I think I was always kind of phony tough. Like not, like I would, I would be around the dumb shit, but in my heart, I was like, no. I used to like to fight a lot. And then I remember we were supposed to fight after school. This was like ninth or 10th grade and one of my friends had a little 22 that he showed me.

• 53:45Speaker 02

  Oh, Jesus.

• 53:45Speaker 01

  And I just remember being like, ah, this is, this is, this kind of stuff.

• 53:49Matt McCusker?

  Peacemaker time.

• 53:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And then I kind of started, I changed who I was hanging with. I had like this one group I was with all the time. And then I kind of went to my friends that I was hanging with a lot more in middle school.

• 53:59Speaker 02

  You found La Mer?

• 54:01Speaker 01

  I found a version of La Mer. Yeah, different fat guy, different funny fat guy.

• 54:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I was, that's where, that's where Coke was for me. It was the absolute, I was out of, completely out of my, I was already out of my element with a lot of stuff. But Coke was like, these are like bad guy, bad guys. And I was like, and I never did it, by the way. Never even tried it.

• 54:19Speaker 02

  Me either.

• 54:19Matt McCusker?

  Never had any, I still, to this day, I detest them. I hear people that do, I go, why the fuck are you doing that?

• 54:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, the snorting something just felt very off putting to me. I didn't care for that. And then also all my anxiety that I had growing up and still now is all like, I associate with heart, like I'm always afraid my heart's gonna stop, my heart's racing. So the idea of doing Coke, I was like, my heart will explode, I'll die here.

• 54:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that was always, I did a very similar thing. I actually just, I like, I had a couple of years where I couldn't exercise because I'm like, I'm gonna have a heart attack. I was like 26.

• 54:51Speaker 02

  Well, it is an interesting thing. I tried to do a bit of this, it never worked. But I'm like, why? Exercise is good for your heart, but like having like stress is bad for your heart. But they both cause your heart to race.

• 55:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 55:03Speaker 02

  So shouldn't like having a panic attack be, this is why the bit never worked, by the way. But like, shouldn't having a panic attack be good for you? Like, stress is the worst thing for you, but what does stress do? It raises your heart rate. That's what exercise does. I know that there's probably an explanation. I'm not genuinely like

• 55:19Matt McCusker?

  No, yeah.

• 55:20Speaker 02

  Asking, but.

• 55:22Matt McCusker?

  I don't know. I mean, I don't.

• 55:23Speaker 02

  I thought I'd grind the podcast to a halt with this.

• 55:26Matt McCusker?

  I was like, why it doesn't.

• 55:27Speaker 02

  Like cocaine should be good for your heart.

• 55:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 55:31Speaker 02

  It gives you the same thing as exercise. Like, running a marathon is good for your health, so why isn't doing blow?

• 55:36Matt McCusker?

  You know what?

• 55:38Speaker 02

  What's going on with the coke?

• 55:40Matt McCusker?

  You know what? It's funny, because I saw, just like two weeks ago, I saw a clip of Andrew Huberman being like, "You need to spike your cortisol early in the morning as possible, and it's like somehow good for you." So I like just chugged a ton of coffee early in the morning, and it was like, yeah, it was definitely not the move. I literally had a panic attack in my office, so I was like, this is not, I don't know what the fuck. But apparently, I guess there's gotta be something different with like, you know what it probably is? Like, your lungs getting kicked into the picture.

• 56:05Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 56:06Matt McCusker?

  Versus just your nervous system fucking frying you while you're sitting in a chair.

• 56:10Speaker 02

  Well, some of this Huberman thing, Huberman, however you say his name, I enjoy the guy, but we were at the green room at mothership, and there's all these grip strength.

• 56:17Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 56:17Speaker 02

  Reading thing. And someone was like, Huberman says like, grip strength is the number one, you know, teller of how long you're gonna live.

• 56:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 56:25Speaker 02

  Kurt Metzger's was like triple mine. I'm like, there's no way this fucking guy's living longer than me. He's like smoking a pack of cigarettes and a joint at the same time. I'm like, I feel like.

• 56:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that, I don't know. There's a lot of stuff hitting the internet that like does freak me out. I've seen that one.

• 56:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, that one I didn't like at all. My grip strength is terrible.

• 56:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, mine was like, I didn't wanna say.

• 56:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'm not saying.

• 56:51Matt McCusker?

  Mine is devastating. Yeah, I don't know. I heard that too. Like, if you can't hang from a bar for like three minutes, you're gonna die.

• 56:59Speaker 02

  Well, the other guy, Peter Attia, he's the other guy. All these guys that are like age experts all are like 38 years old. I'm like, I want a 115-year-old guy to tell me. But he said you should be able to carry your body weight for up to a minute. So like, I weigh 180, like by your side with a kettlebell. So I weigh like 180 pounds. I'm bad at math. That's 90 pounds on each arm.

• 57:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 57:20Speaker 02

  I should be able to walk for a minute. But I can't even like attempt it, because I'm scared my arm will fucking rip off.

• 57:25Matt McCusker?

  Or your knees, really.

• 57:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I don't know about that. There's a lot of stuff hitting the internet like that. I saw one where it was like. If you wanna be able to walk up ten flights of stairs when you're seventy, here's, they had these like lines and shit and they're like, you need to be here now. And it was just like, otherwise, it's like, basically saying if you were like senitarian, like, you're gonna die.

• 57:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I think we all look pretty good.

• 57:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I think we're moving around. But I don't know, I feel like the problem is you can go so heavy into all that stuff where it's like, am I doing, am I doing all this stuff right? That probably fucks you up. In twenty years, like, if you actually think about this shit, you're gonna die.

• 58:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, absolutely. Well, then, Hooverman's also like, you gotta look at the sun at five fifteen for eight minutes, so your kid will be retarded.

• 58:08Speaker 02

  I keep seeing a thing on my algorithm, I have a child, and it's like, giving your kid sugar within the first three years increases their odds. I'm like, so I'm just fucked? Like, I gave him ice cream already. He's gonna die.

• 58:20Matt McCusker?

  And the TV, like, the TV fucks him.

• 58:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:22Matt McCusker?

  I don't know, I feel like they'll be fine. It'll be like, they'll be definitely more autistic kids, and I don't know.

• 58:28Speaker 01

  But, I mean, I feel like everybody I know has sugar as a kid and watched TV as a kid, and most people are fine. You know what I mean? Like, it's, it'd be, why is it a problem all of a sudden right now?

• 58:36Matt McCusker?

  Well, it's, it's probably bad. I didn't realize how bad it was, but yeah, they'll be, they're not gonna like die, you know?

• 58:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think they'll be okay.

• 58:43Matt McCusker?

  They'll be fine.

• 58:43Speaker 02

  He seems fine.

• 58:44Matt McCusker?

  I don't worry, I don't, yeah, I, I, I can get hyper obsessed with that shit, though. I have an Oura ring, I'll track my sleep, I'll do all this stuff. Apparently, I don't get any deep sleep.

• 58:51Speaker 02

  Really?

• 58:52Matt McCusker?

  I don't know what it is. I check, and I, everything else is great, and then my deep sleep is like thirty minutes a night.

• 58:56Speaker 02

  Maybe it's fucked up.

• 58:57Matt McCusker?

  That's what I say. I told, I told my wife, it's her, I'm like, you just move around probably and fuck my deep sleep up.

• 59:02Speaker 01

  You ever try, you ever try all of them at the same time, Apple Watch, Whoop, Oura ring, and just see if they all say the same thing?

• 59:09Matt McCusker?

  I guess you do that.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  That's, I feel like a great test.

• 59:12Speaker 02

  I like picturing you go to bed, you have like

• 59:15Speaker 02

  Back to the Futures on your head, you got like suction cups on your tits.

• 59:18Matt McCusker?

  Just sleep apnea mask for no reason.

• 59:22Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, you gotta, I, I just, I don't know. You get to a certain point, you're like, no, I'm definitely dying, so it's like, there's, I'm gonna try to like, just maintain the ship as much as I can.

• 59:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, yeah, I feel like an older dad, I'm like, I gotta live as long as I can for this guy, and stay healthy, I wanna be able to have a pass with him, you know? So, I'm going to the gym after this, don't worry.

• 59:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. That's the big thing. Once, once you have kids, you really, like, you guys fuck around a lot. You guys are out drinking, carrying on. Why'd you guys have kids? Why'd you guys have kids, man? You go, man, I gotta keep this thing afloat.

• 59:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:52Speaker 02

  Well, just the queso. I've been in Austin for four days. I've eaten queso like a hundred percent of the meals, including breakfast.

• 59:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 59:58Speaker 02

  I'm a fat fuck. I'm like, I can't shit. My eyes.

• 1:00:01Matt McCusker?

  What are you eating as breakfast queso?

• 1:00:03Speaker 02

  I went to Magnolia Cafe, my favorite spot. They got great pancakes, but they serve queso all day. So I'm like, I'm here. So I was eating chips and queso and pancakes.

• 1:00:11Matt McCusker?

  So good. Yeah, I got, I eat a lot of, I was just in Chicago and I went to the Taste of Chicago. It's like a big food festival. It was all fucking tacos. I'm like, dude, that's all I eat. I'm not, it's kind of bullshit.

• 1:00:23Speaker 02

  Somebody said last night in Austin, tacos are like pizza in New York. It's like the quick, cheap, just grab it.

• 1:00:28Matt McCusker?

  There's not a lot of, there's not a lot of great pizza here.

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  But pizza stays enjoyable longer. I'm tired of tacos. There was never, I never hit a point where I was tired of pizza.

• 1:00:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's a good point.

• 1:00:38Matt McCusker?

  Pizza, so here's the thing though, like if you go on the West Coast, I was telling people about Friday. You have Friday pizza night growing up? Every Friday pizza?

• 1:00:44Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 1:00:45Matt McCusker?

  My friend's out on the West Coast now and he was like telling people out there about that. And they're like, that's crazy. They're like, that's so bad for you to eat pizza every Friday.

• 1:00:53Speaker 02

  Oh, I ate pizza. I mean, my diet is fucking wild.

• 1:00:56Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:00:56Speaker 02

  I eat McDonald's like a couple of times a week. Chicken parm, three, four times a week.

• 1:01:00Matt McCusker?

  How's the Mickey D's sit with you?

• 1:01:01Speaker 01

  I miss chicken parm.

• 1:01:02Matt McCusker?

  Is it like diarrhea right away? Or do you pass a healthy movement after Mickey D's?

• 1:01:06Speaker 02

  No, I'm okay. I think I'm used to, I used to do a joke in my act about this. People were like, if you don't, someone said this to me, like if you stop eating McDonald's for like six months and then you try having it again, your body will just reject it. And so I did it and I'm like, no, my body was like, you're back.

• 1:01:20Speaker 02

  I took a perfect fucking double tapered shit. It was beautiful. I love it. But again, like I hate to be like dad guy, but it's like, sometimes the baby goes, dad, you're so exhausted that I'm like, just give me some fucking McDonald's.

• 1:01:31Matt McCusker?

  Give me something.

• 1:01:32Speaker 02

  And I live in a luxury building. I mean, again, I don't want to be that guy, but I'm doing okay. And I get like, I'm embarrassed. It's like a door guy with a suit, like handing me my McDonald's bag. And I feel like lawyers are walking by being like, who is this fucking idiot?

• 1:01:47Speaker 02

  And I do it a lot. It's embarrassing.

• 1:01:50Matt McCusker?

  That's kind of, it's kind of alpha dude. Cause I know Warren Buffett drinks Coca-Cola. That's his big thing. Trump smashes McDonald's.

• 1:01:55Speaker 02

  He loves McDonald's. Yeah. Jay Leno too was a big fast food.

• 1:01:58Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:01:59Speaker 02

  I think he might still be, yeah.

• 1:02:00Matt McCusker?

  I haven't, I swear to God, I haven't eaten McDonald's in maybe two decades.

• 1:02:04Speaker 02

  Get yourself some McDonald's.

• 1:02:05Matt McCusker?

  It's fine. I would throw up. I would for real throw up. I can't eat it.

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  Terrible McDonald's. Was it the last time we went to, last time we went to McDonald's, I got a double quarter pounder, a McChicken and a McDouble. And, and fries. Like I just, I, I couldn't.

• 1:02:23Matt McCusker?

  How'd it sit with you?

• 1:02:24Speaker 01

  Ah, I took a, I took a probiotic right after.

• 1:02:29Speaker 02

  You're like Huberman. He's like, I looked at the sun for a half hour and it went down perfect.

• 1:02:35Matt McCusker?

  You took a probiotic?

• 1:02:36Speaker 01

  It's like this might balance the gut, the gut shit. And nah, I just shit a lot in the morning. I took a, I drink, I drink a smoothie all the time. So like I woke up, crushed a smoothie.

• 1:02:46Speaker 02

  That's how I feel.

• 1:02:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. I, I'd call them health posters. I'd do either green juices or smoothies.

• 1:02:50Matt McCusker?

  You do yin and yang.

• 1:02:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:52Speaker 02

  I'm exactly the same.

• 1:02:53Speaker 01

  And I, I feel like it kind of works.

• 1:02:55Speaker 02

  I think so. I went to Juice Land this morning. I was like, I had queso four times yesterday. I gotta have Juice Land. And I took a massive shit. I call it my morning python. Every morning, just a big fucking anaconda.

• 1:03:07Speaker 01

  Just a log log.

• 1:03:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. So I think we're all right.

• 1:03:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. How, what, how heavy will you get? If you, can you go, will you get fat?

• 1:03:15Speaker 02

  This is the heaviest I've been, but I'm also, I'm working out more than I've ever worked out and I'm also eating more than I've worked out.

• 1:03:22Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 1:03:22Speaker 02

  So I'm like 183 or something. I got, you know, dad stomach, but I look, I look okay.

• 1:03:27Matt McCusker?

  You're bulking.

• 1:03:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:28Matt McCusker?

  And you get the muscles from carrying the kid all the time.

• 1:03:30Speaker 02

  He's, wants to be carried all the time and he won't go to this side. Maybe he's autistic. He hates this side. So it's all right arm. But uh, yeah, this is the biggest I've ever been, but I'm very long. I'm a fucking, you know?

• 1:03:45Matt McCusker?

  I just, I just read a stat. They said 90% of autistic adults are undiagnosed.

• 1:03:51Speaker 01

  That makes sense. Weren't checking for it like.

• 1:03:54Matt McCusker?

  They weren't checking for it. So there's apparently, there's like a, you know, it's like endemic in adults. There's like a lot of people who should have been, that that now would have been like screened for like on the autism spectrum.

• 1:04:03Speaker 02

  But I I have a big autism thing because I just think we say it too much. Cause I I have a a a close friend whose brother is like severely autistic, like what we think like, and he, you know, he has like an iPod or AirPods in all the time because he needs music. And if you say what day you were born, he could tell you the day, like your date of your birthday, he knows what day. And also he has to be like attended, like he's, you know, he's got severe autism. And then people are like, will say to me like, I'm like, oh, that music is driving me crazy. Like, I don't even hear music. You might be autistic. And I'm like, I don't, I don't identify as autistic, like.

• 1:04:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they spread the net pretty, pretty far now.

• 1:04:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, it just feels.

• 1:04:45Speaker 01

  Like you're like, ADHD is like autism. They say if you have that, you're also autistic now.

• 1:04:51Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:04:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:52Matt McCusker?

  Sweet. My wife's autistic.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what I've been trying to say.

• 1:04:54Speaker 02

  Me too. Well, OCD also is so similar. Like I have OCD, but so like, there's a lot of similarities. If you read autism thing, I'm like, oh, I have that, that and that, but.

• 1:05:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:07Speaker 02

  I'm not autistic.

• 1:05:08Matt McCusker?

  What's the OCD? How's that flare up?

• 1:05:11Speaker 02

  Like I, I mean, I have like weird, first of all, I'm like, I blink all the time. Like I do like these blinks and my arm would be flexing all the time. My left arm and I'll see like, um, something that I feel like I need to step on or I'll do a weird, foot things I need to step on stuff. And then I also drink the same cup of tea from Starbucks every day. I don't get it. I mean, and I sneeze very quickly, turn it off.

• 1:05:33Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 1:05:33Speaker 02

  I have straws. I'm like, straws are gonna stab me in the eye. There's a whole bunch of handful of stuff.

• 1:05:38Matt McCusker?

  It's kind of under the radar though. I wouldn't know.

• 1:05:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. My wife does a joke about it. She's like, he doesn't have the OCD where he cleans. I'm like, people think of like hand washing. I'm like, I'll take a piss and get off the subway and go eat a sandwich.

• 1:05:51Matt McCusker?

  We're just stepping on, not stepping on the cracks.

• 1:05:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 1:05:54Matt McCusker?

  I can get in, I can get in and not step on the cracks. I'll still do that every now and again. Just, it's just fun to be like, let me tie my steps perfectly so I don't hit these cracks.

• 1:06:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's fun.

• 1:06:02Matt McCusker?

  But I give up after a while.

• 1:06:04Speaker 02

  But yeah, so you got, I got a problem. But then people now, people are like. They use it, it's like a virtue to have, I'm like embarrassed.

• 1:06:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:14Speaker 02

  I'm like trying my hardest not to blink weird because of YouTube comments. I can't keep my eyes open, it's crazy. I'm like humiliated by it.

• 1:06:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, it did become cool to have like autism now. It's either like, you gotta have something. If you're, if you're like 24 and you're like, no, I'm, I'm good. They're like, that sucks.

• 1:06:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, no.

• 1:06:33Speaker 01

  Be like, yeah, you gotta be kinda like gay or something.

• 1:06:36Speaker 02

  Cutting is big.

• 1:06:37Speaker 01

  Cutting, gay cutting.

• 1:06:43Speaker 01

  No, no, I'm saying or minority.

• 1:06:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:48Speaker 01

  Or double minority.

• 1:06:54Speaker 01

  You're not gay, you're the least gay person I know.

• 1:06:56Speaker 02

  I know, but it's too late. I'll just be gay.

• 1:06:59Speaker 01

  I was laughing today about like, especially with the podcast and like ads and all that stuff. There's definitely, I, I would, I would like to think that there are some sort of like boardroom in these like startups or like Spotify, where they're like checking, almost like a, like a stock trading floor, they're reading comments, like a lot of people saying the co-host of this podcast is gay. We gotta call the magnesium powder people.

• 1:07:23Speaker 01

  Shit, they're calling him gay, they're calling him a gay schizophrenic loser.

• 1:07:27Speaker 02

  So how did you end up gay?

• 1:07:29Speaker 01

  They, they said, they said I was being gay. We went to LA for a week, uh, when Shane was doing the SBS and they said, yeah. They said LA, I was just gay in LA. I wasn't, but.

• 1:07:39Speaker 02

  What is, what was the excuse you were being gay in LA for?

• 1:07:41Speaker 01

  I did, I mean, I said, I was.

• 1:07:42Speaker 02

  You wore cool clothes, that was what it was.

• 1:07:45Speaker 01

  Well, I wore, I wore one shirt. It's not even that cool, but I, uh, what it really was is, I've, I've been for real for a kinda homophobic my whole life. Seems like I saw my kid not kissing girls and stuff. And then I, you know, grew out of it. But I still had that thing where I couldn't joke gay that much. And, you know, hanging out with y'all, eventually y'all broke it down and then I got, I started trying to have fun gay jokes with y'all. And then the second I did it, it was like, yo, what the hell?

• 1:08:13Speaker 01

  And, and, and then I couldn't say anything without being sus. And then La Mer's nasty ass made sure he brought it up on the podcast. He knew what he was doing.

• 1:08:22Speaker 02

  He did.

• 1:08:22Speaker 01

  He, he got mad at me all when we were doing panties once, because he was like, uh, that's the name of our podcast, so it does, but he, uh, he.

• 1:08:30Speaker 02

  Not boxer groups.

• 1:08:33Speaker 01

  But it's true. Also says, because, because when we were talking, I brought up him having sex with those, with the, with the trans. He was like for real mad at that. He was like, you tried to. I was like, what?

• 1:08:44Matt McCusker?

  Oh, well, he, he, yeah. And to be fair, I'm still riding for La Mer on this, dude.

• 1:08:49Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm on his side too.

• 1:08:50Matt McCusker?

  It's hilarious.

• 1:08:51Speaker 01

  It's hilarious.

• 1:08:51Matt McCusker?

  He lost his virginity to a woman who then became a guy right after.

• 1:08:56Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. And she was like one week in the tea. She was, I saw a picture of her. She was hot. He, I guess now, was hot as hell.

• 1:09:03Matt McCusker?

  On paper, it sounds funny. He said he lost his virginity to, technically a guy. He lost now.

• 1:09:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:08Matt McCusker?

  He lost virginity to a guy.

• 1:09:09Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:09:09Matt McCusker?

  But he's. That's, that's kind of the wrinkle.

• 1:09:11Speaker 01

  He spazzed on me on panties. He was like, you were trying to be nasty to me because you brought that up. And I was like, I was being nasty after what you did to me? It was, it was, it was all.

• 1:09:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you'll now be, your descendants are gonna be like, oh shit, he was gay.

• 1:09:24Speaker 01

  He used to be gay. He used to be zesty.

• 1:09:30Matt McCusker?

  All they'll know is they'll do an AI summary and be like, your grandfather never kissed girls?

• 1:09:36Matt McCusker?

  Personal policy, he never kissed girls ever since he was a child. And then was.

• 1:09:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the internet legacy will be crazy.

• 1:09:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's kind of fun to.

• 1:09:46Matt McCusker?

  Ancestor.com would be so cool. Seeing all your embarrassing fucking Facebook posts and shit.

• 1:09:52Speaker 01

  Digital.

• 1:09:53Matt McCusker?

  That's for sure.

• 1:09:53Speaker 01

  It's gonna also have your digital history.

• 1:09:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it'll be like, yeah, you'd sit down and get like a full download, probably like a curated thing of like, this is what your father was up to.

• 1:10:03Speaker 02

  Oh, it's insane to think about.

• 1:10:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:05Speaker 02

  All the podcasts.

• 1:10:06Matt McCusker?

  Podcast, web history. Don't forget about web history.

• 1:10:09Speaker 01

  History is the one.

• 1:10:10Matt McCusker?

  That'll be out there.

• 1:10:11Speaker 01

  Like, it's just everything you've ever jerked off to is going to your kids. Not your kids, your kids' kids.

• 1:10:16Matt McCusker?

  It'll be in your kids' like Neuralink thing and they can get like a super fast flash, like the speed of their synapses where it can just be like.

• 1:10:25Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:10:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, be fucked up.

• 1:10:26Speaker 02

  I got it.

• 1:10:27Speaker 01

  But I didn't know being the weirder shit probably.

• 1:10:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:30Speaker 01

  Cause they, cause we, cause we keep getting weirder and weirder.

• 1:10:33Speaker 04

  I think porn's about to grind to a halt. I'm not just saying that because I personally concur to my demons. I think it's good. I don't know, man. I think it's gonna be all like all kids are gonna be, it'll be like your kid will, now it'll be like, you'll see if your kid's looking at smut, cause you'll have your phones linked, kind of.

• 1:10:48Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by Viori.

• 1:10:50Speaker 04

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• 1:10:50Matt McCusker?

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• 1:10:57Matt McCusker?

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• 1:11:21Speaker 04

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• 1:11:43Matt McCusker?

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• 1:11:48Speaker 04

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• 1:11:48Matt McCusker?

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• 1:12:33Matt McCusker?

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• 1:12:44Speaker 04

  I plan on, well, I have daughters, I'm not.

• 1:12:46Matt McCusker?

  worry about it, but like, I still might put the smut checker on there.

• 1:12:49Speaker 01

  The, that app you're talking about where it's like the dad.

• 1:12:51Matt McCusker?

  You ever hear of Covenant Eyes? There's an app called Covenant Eyes where you and your son can like, link your phones so that like if anything, you know, porn related comes up, it'll trigger, like your dad would get a like a notification.

• 1:13:04Speaker 02

  Oh, wow. Does he get the same notification when you look at porn?

• 1:13:08Matt McCusker?

  I think so. I think that's the covenant. I think you.

• 1:13:10Speaker 02

  Oh, I see, I see.

• 1:13:11Matt McCusker?

  I think there's a politician who's used Covenant Eyes with his son.

• 1:13:15Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:13:15Matt McCusker?

  It sounds, it does sound like the opposite of like, father, son duos who get hookers together.

• 1:13:22Speaker 02

  Wow. I'm gonna try to land in between the two.

• 1:13:28Speaker 02

  I'm gonna do neither of those things.

• 1:13:30Matt McCusker?

  I don't know, but I feel like you'll have it. Like before you, we were like, I don't think kids will have free range, open porn. I think it's gonna be, parents are gonna put a kibosh on that.

• 1:13:39Speaker 01

  I for real hope not. That shit was kind of for real terrible for us.

• 1:13:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's not good.

• 1:13:42Speaker 01

  I started, I looked at like RedTube when I was, had to be 12 or 13.

• 1:13:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, I never had any porn. I was all Sears catalog and stuff. I mean, we had magazines later.

• 1:13:51Matt McCusker?

  I did Sears catalog and then I came in and college was like when I could start downloading it and then it was just open on the internet my whole adult life. But not as a child, that would fuck you up. Let me, or Sean, what did you, what did you discover?

• 1:14:04Speaker 03

  You were right. Mike Johnson, the Speaker of the House of Representatives.

• 1:14:07Speaker 02

  Oh, I remember that.

• 1:14:08Speaker 03

  Publicly talks about his use of Covenant Eyes with his 17 year old son.

• 1:14:12Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 1:14:13Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:14:13Matt McCusker?

  Now, will they continue it once he's 18? Will he keep the tradition alive? Or will he legally as an adult be like, father, I'm recommending we shut down our covenant?

• 1:14:21Speaker 02

  I'm not sure.

• 1:14:24Matt McCusker?

  I think it's a good idea. I think, I'm, I'm, I've been anti porn for a while.

• 1:14:27Speaker 01

  I would get a burner phone if I had Covenant Eyes with my dad. I would just have a second cell phone. I couldn't, I couldn't live like that.

• 1:14:35Speaker 02

  I thought you said burger phone, like those old phones that were like a special cheeseburger? And I was like, yeah, those things are awesome.

• 1:14:41Matt McCusker?

  These calls one night, hundred numbers. I mean, it is weird because I, I like, it's hard to not look at porn. It's like almost unthinkable. To like, because I've tried to stop it and it took me three years to finally be like, I don't need to look at it.

• 1:14:56Speaker 01

  Instagram don't make it, everything makes it hard.

• 1:14:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I don't really look at, yeah, I try not to look at, my Instagram for real is just like steroid guys screaming. I don't get a lot of babes, it's just steroid guys fighting and arguing with each other.

• 1:15:08Speaker 02

  No, mine's like movies, photography and baseball. Like, people go to their search thing and it's, I'm like actually embarrassed by mine.

• 1:15:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:15Speaker 02

  It's just like, Robin Yount hit 3,000 hits on that, whatever. I'm like, ugh.

• 1:15:20Speaker 01

  Some, there's times where mine's is a hundred percent women and it's the most embarrassing thing.

• 1:15:25Matt McCusker?

  What's, that's for the nature of your guys, you guys do research for your podcast.

• 1:15:28Speaker 01

  True, that has been making it worse.

• 1:15:30Matt McCusker?

  I still don't know how you pull, they do a babe of the week every week and they have to like, explain why she's the babe of the week.

• 1:15:36Speaker 01

  Sometimes, sometimes it's funny and at other times we take it too seriously, you just pick hot ladies and go, she's the hottest.

• 1:15:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but how, what does your babe say about the babe of the week? You tell her like, obviously you're a babe, you're a babe.

• 1:15:48Speaker 02

  You're the babe of my lifetime.

• 1:15:49Matt McCusker?

  Babe, babe of the lifetime. Has she ever even like, brought it up begrudgingly? Cause I feel like I would get, I would get pressed in my house for that.

• 1:15:56Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 1:15:57Matt McCusker?

  Hey, look, if you have, you know, I don't want to sow discord.

• 1:15:59Speaker 01

  No, no, she, she doesn't, like, she really doesn't. And she, I give, she never, anything that's kinda comedy related, she never.

• 1:16:06Matt McCusker?

  That's nice.

• 1:16:06Speaker 01

  Unless I was like, start talking about like her, too personal, like shit that's her privacy, she don't. She, I mean, she knows, uh, she knows me. We'll be watching some, she watches Real Housewives and I go like, whose titties are those? Like, that's kinda how we exist and.

• 1:16:21Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 1:16:22Speaker 01

  And I think.

• 1:16:23Speaker 02

  My wife has a rule, like, you don't listen to your partner's podcast.

• 1:16:27Matt McCusker?

  You can't.

• 1:16:27Speaker 02

  She's like, it's like reading a diary.

• 1:16:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:29Speaker 01

  That feels like the right thing.

• 1:16:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:16:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I've, I've swayed my wife away from it. I was like, just please don't watch it. And my mom, my wife and my mom, I say, please don't watch my podcast, ever.

• 1:16:38Speaker 01

  I would bet my girl listens every time she knows I'm on something.

• 1:16:42Speaker 02

  Well, I think about that too, you're talking about like your son getting older and like, or your daughters, whatever, listening, seeing your history. I think that must be hard to date, cause you meet someone, they can immediately just go and listen to everything you've ever said. That would be scary to me, being single and meeting a girl and I'm like my charming self. And then she can put on a podcast of like, would you eat your own dad's cum?

• 1:17:03Speaker 02

  And she's like, oh, this guy's a piece of shit.

• 1:17:06Matt McCusker?

  I, what I, what I think though is if your podcast is doing well, we'll be like, great.

• 1:17:11Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:17:11Matt McCusker?

  You know what I mean? Once, once you get, you know, once you sell one boner pill, they're like, yep, it's good. I don't care what the fuck this guy talks about. And there's really is something out there for everyone. Cause there's like, you know, there's popular podcasts that go pretty wild. And it's like, like Holocaust denial has become a big thing.

• 1:17:28Speaker 02

  It's a big podcast, isn't it?

• 1:17:29Matt McCusker?

  That was like, it was a move, man. There was like the last year I've seen, uh, who, Dan Bilzerian fucking hit the gas pedal on that. He just out of nowhere was just like, I'm, I, I think I'm correct. I don't know if I'm wrong, but I think he, uh, pushed the pedal on that. That's like a light speed podcasting technique. You just like, you know what, man? I'm just gonna go into Holocaust.

• 1:17:47Speaker 02

  Make a million dollars.

• 1:17:48Matt McCusker?

  There's like girls out there that are like, yeah, I'll, I'll just date this guy and you know, whatever. Wish him peace and you know, whatever.

• 1:17:58Matt McCusker?

  Live, laugh, love. But the, uh, yeah, no, I, I feel like there's, there's someone out there for everything. So.

• 1:18:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess so.

• 1:18:04Matt McCusker?

  Also, there is no way, I don't know. Cause I feel like I've talked about stuff before. That's just like, I don't know. It's just not like you wouldn't bring it up at a dinner table. But if it works, I think people are like, oh, this is great. People laugh.

• 1:18:17Speaker 02

  Well, I have this too. Like my wife, one time I was performing in Austin, like her brothers live here and her sister invited her mother to the show. And I had to step in and be like, you cannot have your mother come to my show. And her mother's like a British intellectual elderly woman.

• 1:18:33Matt McCusker?

  Oh no.

• 1:18:33Speaker 02

  And I'm like talking about eating her asshole and stuff. I'm like, this is outrageous. Like I've never, I wouldn't say shit in front of her.

• 1:18:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:39Speaker 02

  Like literally the word shit.

• 1:18:40Matt McCusker?

  Did she come?

• 1:18:41Speaker 02

  No, no. I was like, I'm sorry. You can't. And it was awkward because she's like, I guess I can't see your comment. And I want to be like, you can watch it on YouTube by yourself.

• 1:18:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:47Speaker 02

  It's still horrifying, but.

• 1:18:49Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I've.

• 1:18:49Speaker 02

  I don't want to know you're there. Like that's.

• 1:18:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I've had it just completely be like, yeah, just I'm gonna do it. If you, it was my wife will invite like her, you invited her grandfather one time. And I just, I was like constantly talking about my wife jerking me off. Among other things and he just he sat through the whole thing because I remember being like, well, fuck him, I'm just gonna do my thing and you'll see how he feels. And he was pretty supportive. He was like, that was hilarious.

• 1:19:13Speaker 02

  Oh, that's good.

• 1:19:13Matt McCusker?

  That's I what I found is people are surprised surprisingly kind of like was why like parents came a couple of times and I thought they'd be kind of like, what the fuck, but my mom just laughed. She's just like, you're gross.

• 1:19:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, my parents go, but my mother in law also went and saw Nate Bargatze and she was like, that was terrible. He was misogynistic. You should not talk about your wife like that. And I was like, oh, my God. She saw Nate was like, this guy hates women. I was like, oh, Jesus.

• 1:19:39Matt McCusker?

  That's interesting. If I heard that, it'd be like, oh, wow. Yeah.

• 1:19:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:19:43Matt McCusker?

  Although it's, I don't know, man, I think you just gotta let her taste the power. You should just.

• 1:19:48Speaker 02

  That's a good name for a special.

• 1:19:51Speaker 02

  Taste the power.

• 1:19:52Matt McCusker?

  I feel like, yeah, because I, because I, yeah, because I remember when I recorded my first special, my wife is like, your parents are gonna be there, but I won't tell you which show. So then I was like, oh, cool. But then every show I was like, are they here at this one? And I was like, so then I had to be like, just tell me when they're coming. I'm just gonna let it rip.

• 1:20:06Speaker 02

  See, my parents are very like, it's a very like liberal language. How like, I don't feel self conscious around them because we swear and all that.

• 1:20:14Matt McCusker?

  I was talking about specifically like my dad, like getting pussy and stuff. So, yeah, so that was kind of tough. But what I'm talking about is lack. I always like imagined you like a huge.

• 1:20:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:20:23Matt McCusker?

  But then I was actually in the first encouraging my mom to

• 1:20:28Matt McCusker?

  maybe pony up a little bit. Help the old man out. So, you know, but they they just were like, whatever. They kind of laughed through it.

• 1:20:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, I had a joke about how my mother wanted to fuck Patrick Swayze. I watched, um, what's the movie? You know, Dirty Dancing when I was a kid and my mother was like, mm, that Patrick Swayze, which is true. And so I had a whole bit about it. And then when I did it live and they were there, I just wouldn't do that bit. But then they eventually watched my special and it's in there.

• 1:20:53Matt McCusker?

  Did they say something about it?

• 1:20:54Speaker 02

  No, she never mentioned anything, but. It's true. I mean, she's a, she's, she's a fucking, she wants Patrick Swayze. She can't hold it back. She'll still do it. She's like, Patrick Swayze, my God. And it's like so insane. I'm like, why you want to get like plowed by Patrick Swayze?

• 1:21:10Matt McCusker?

  So now it's even more.

• 1:21:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:12Matt McCusker?

  Women are so much hornier for dead guys than they are ladies guys.

• 1:21:15Speaker 02

  He's a good looking man.

• 1:21:16Matt McCusker?

  He was. He could dance his fucking ass off.

• 1:21:18Speaker 02

  And I always felt bad because I'm like, my dad doesn't look anything like Patrick Swayze. He must just be like, this sucks. Turn this fucking movie off.

• 1:21:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, that's, that's one of the moves they'll do to you. They'll be, he's handsome. You're like, this guy looks nothing like me. Why would you do that?

• 1:21:29Speaker 02

  I had a girlfriend, my previous girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, whatever you say, and uh, so we were like at a hang with some buddies and she was like, someone was like, what's your type? And she was like, I like a rugged, outdoor guy, long hair, be like, she just described just completely not me. And I was like, this is crazy.

• 1:21:48Matt McCusker?

  How, did you bring it up or you just let it go and just?

• 1:21:51Speaker 02

  I joked about it after and like she laughed and everything. Cause I was like, she liked, because I was like funny, self-deprecating guy. So I was like, that was great. And she would laugh. But you're also, at the same time, you're like, well, that sucks.

• 1:22:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what the fuck?

• 1:22:02Speaker 02

  I guess I'm just not.

• 1:22:04Matt McCusker?

  I'm still curious. I kind of want you to hold frame on your mother-in-law. Are you familiar with like frame and all that stuff?

• 1:22:08Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:22:09Matt McCusker?

  Dude, there's a whole, this is why my algorithm is a steroid guy yelling, but there's a bunch of guys on the internet who are obsessed with, there's an idea called frame. It always makes me laugh, but it's like, you dictate the pace of everything. So you go to the house, you like basically, you know, it's just like everything's up to, you always drive. If your wife drives, she's definitely probably going to cheat on you according to these guys.

• 1:22:28Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 1:22:28Matt McCusker?

  My wife drives all the time and I found that out. I was like, fuck. But yeah, frame, you have to like, you can't let someone influence, if someone's influencing your actions at all, you've lost frame, according to these guys.

• 1:22:38Speaker 02

  Well, these guys don't sound great. The world wouldn't sustain.

• 1:22:43Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it even gets to the point where it's called the blue line or green line. So there's like a test where they analyze your photos and if you're even leaning in towards your wife at all, she's dominating you. Which is, I think that's hilarious.

• 1:22:55Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 1:22:55Matt McCusker?

  So it goes that deep. But like, yeah, if, if anyone else is influencing your decisions, you've lost frame.

• 1:23:00Speaker 02

  Oh, I gotta check out this frame business.

• 1:23:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, you gotta get your frame. Your, your mother-in-law holds frame right now. You gotta snatch the frame. So next time.

• 1:23:07Speaker 02

  No, but don't you think I hold the frame? I'm like, you can't come to the show, bitch.

• 1:23:11Matt McCusker?

  That's, that's, okay, that's.

• 1:23:12Speaker 02

  Get out of here. You're not coming. And she had tickets to my show. I didn't let her go. Frame the fuck out of that.

• 1:23:17Matt McCusker?

  And you got the money from her. That actually is kind of frame. My bad. That's frame.

• 1:23:21Speaker 02

  Frame the hell out of her.

• 1:23:24Matt McCusker?

  Fair point. I didn't think about that. You should invite her to another one and then cancel the last. If you did that, I'm like, definitely, you got framed for sure.

• 1:23:32Speaker 02

  I think my wife does the leaning. She always does like a thing.

• 1:23:35Matt McCusker?

  She leans in?

• 1:23:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm upright.

• 1:23:37Matt McCusker?

  Sucks for her.

• 1:23:39Speaker 02

  I remember watching the thing about handshakes in politics. Like, you always want to be the person on the outside and then like turning the hand over like this.

• 1:23:46Matt McCusker?

  Oh, really?

• 1:23:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's why people will do that. They'll turn you. The upper hand is like big. You're like a bitch.

• 1:23:51Matt McCusker?

  Oh shit, I know that.

• 1:23:52Speaker 02

  And then I've heard that politicians will like argue on who's on what side of the photo. Cause when you're like that, you're kind of like turning your arm like.

• 1:23:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, or whatever.

• 1:24:01Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah. You want to be this guy. You want to be this guy.

• 1:24:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:24:04Matt McCusker?

  Well, that's probably where that forearm grab brother shake comes from.

• 1:24:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:08Matt McCusker?

  I would just do those. Cause that would suck. I didn't think about that. You gotta take the lesser.

• 1:24:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's very emasculating to be like.

• 1:24:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:16Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:24:17Matt McCusker?

  It is. I will say, I'd imagine it is kind of a bleak existence though to be constantly mapping out these moves and, you know.

• 1:24:23Speaker 01

  Or it becomes just how you, like, just how you move through the world. Like, nope.

• 1:24:28Matt McCusker?

  But then you'd have to like, you'd be, I can't imagine myself in a social setting where I'm like taking a, first of all, a handshake picture is crazy to be like, alright, hold on. Get this while I was shaking. But then like being in that situation and somehow gracefully like whipping the other human to the side that I want them like. I just lack.

• 1:24:45Speaker 01

  Flipping your hand.

• 1:24:46Matt McCusker?

  I just lack that. Yeah.

• 1:24:47Speaker 02

  They're just like doing this, spinning around trying to figure out.

• 1:24:50Matt McCusker?

  I was just at a family party this weekend and my mother-in-law, I like took my coat off and I was just holding it and standing there by myself and I genuinely didn't know where to put it. And I just stood there like that until my mother-in-law was like, Matt, come here. I walked over. She's like, here, give me the coat. I saw you over there struggling. I was like, fuck. I just stood, I just completely just frizzed out and just stood there with the coat going.

• 1:25:15Matt McCusker?

  Until she was like, I saw that. And I was like, oh, it doesn't make me feel any better, but here you go. Thank you.

• 1:25:18Speaker 01

  That seems like acting like a good house guest though. Like you're just not throwing it on the couch. That'll feel like.

• 1:25:23Matt McCusker?

  I would have came, yeah, I would have figured out a place, but I was taking a little long and she noticed, I guess I was kind of awkward. Also, I was, and I'm getting better at, I was at the only white guy at the party.

• 1:25:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:25:32Matt McCusker?

  I'm getting better at this, man. I swear to God, it's a skill. It's like a weird thing to be like, I don't know.

• 1:25:38Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:25:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:39Speaker 01

  Worst nightmare.

• 1:25:42Speaker 02

  It is. Just kidding.

• 1:25:43Matt McCusker?

  Well, to be fair, I'm not great in any social setting, but yeah, once you throw, once you're like a complete radical minority around.

• 1:25:50Speaker 02

  Another great special name, by the way.

• 1:25:53Speaker 01

  You're just throwing them out there.

• 1:25:55Matt McCusker?

  If I, and again, if I was like, only if I was last samurai action, I'd be fine with that. I'd be cool with that, but like, black people are like, they're notoriously kind of cool. So it's like, I've learned what I, here's my approach where I've learned, you gotta, as like, I'm pretty schlubby in terms of dress code.

• 1:26:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:10Matt McCusker?

  But you do, out of respect, gotta get a little, a tiny bit fly. Just a little bit fly, like, just match something somewhat, just out of respect for the house.

• 1:26:18Speaker 01

  That's hilarious.

• 1:26:19Matt McCusker?

  You do, I get, I've been getting just a, you don't want to go full black life effect. Cause that's almost like, now you're a contender. If I get two fly, now it's like.

• 1:26:27Speaker 01

  But if you get a little fly, I feel like you're right away, everybody's like, I like Matt.

• 1:26:30Matt McCusker?

  You have to get a tiny bit fly.

• 1:26:32Speaker 01

  Do you still wear the hokas or do you switch out to like a Nike?

• 1:26:34Matt McCusker?

  I had the hokas, but I had their brightly colored hokas and that, that morning, my wife bought me a fleece, which isn't the flyest, but it, the blue did match a blue in my shoe and I was like, I'm ready for the party.

• 1:26:44Speaker 02

  But in my experience, being around black people, being the most genuine self you can be, I feel like.

• 1:26:49Matt McCusker?

  Exactly. True. Yeah. This is true.

• 1:26:52Speaker 02

  I feel like if you try to, I, I'd post a photo one time with New Balance sneakers and Nike socks and uh, that's a no-no evidently. I didn't, I didn't know that, but I think it's like charming that I'm like, whoops.

• 1:27:02Matt McCusker?

  I agree.

• 1:27:03Speaker 02

  Cause if you try to be like, what's up homie?

• 1:27:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm starting off stand up. You go to like a black room and a white guy just talks different out of it. Like, I've known you for two years.

• 1:27:17Matt McCusker?

  To my credit, I used to, I would go to black rooms and talk Pokemon. I had no idea. A lot of black people watch anime. And I'm like, man, this Pokemon shit's fucking crushing. This is awesome. But yeah, that is funny watching people be like, ah, man, I don't even fucking know. And you're like, T Y, why are you doing that?

• 1:27:31Speaker 02

  No, I felt, when I first moved to New York, I got in with this guy, Imagine. I don't know if you ever met that comic. I think he's Puerto Rican, but he had all these like urban.

• 1:27:38Matt McCusker?

  His name was Imagine?

• 1:27:39Speaker 02

  Imagine, yeah.

• 1:27:39Matt McCusker?

  That's great.

• 1:27:40Speaker 02

  And uh, he had all these urban rooms. I was doing all these urban shows and I would like crush, cause I was like, I don't have sex. It's crazy. And then you're like, oh my god. And then I would see white guys be like, what, what's up motherfucker or whatever.

• 1:27:54Speaker 02

  What are you doing?

• 1:27:54Matt McCusker?

  I just got out of jail.

• 1:27:57Speaker 01

  I do feel bad for the white guys though who like grew up around black people and then want to do comedy. If you're not, it's only one. You can only be one Gary Owens.

• 1:28:04Matt McCusker?

  True. I do Gary Owens is brought up to me. He's like, is your comedy like Gary Owens? And I, I didn't know how to navigate it. I was like, not particularly, no. So what do you do? I was like, that's different. Like, how's it different? I didn't, I was trying to think of like, I don't just talk about black stuff though. I don't know. I didn't know how to say that to the person. I was like, is it like that? I was like, sort of. I was like, I heard he's actually a really, I actually did hear he's a really nice guy. But I had to be like, yeah, not really. But the hell's different? I can't really say. I was like, I'd have to think about it for a while.

• 1:28:37Speaker 01

  Tell your wife's whole family, it's not that black.

• 1:28:39Matt McCusker?

  It's not that black. That's all I was trying to say. It's not as black as it is. He's way blacker than I am. I'm about a tenth as black as Gary. That's what I should have said.

• 1:28:49Matt McCusker?

  Less, it's less black. More white boy crazy. But yeah, I'm getting better. Dude, I'm telling you, man. I think that was like my best one yet.

• 1:29:00Matt McCusker?

  That's my best black party I've been to. Killing it. I did botch. They asked me if I had a player face and I, I was just like, I don't know. I don't even remember what I said. I was like, uh, I don't know. I actually was married previously. You know, I've been divorced before, but maybe between the, I was just botched it dude. Imagine saying that to a guy in an all red sweatsuit.

• 1:29:25Matt McCusker?

  Well, I got married when I was 25. Let's see. That, oh yeah, that, that didn't go well. I could have been like, I didn't want to talk. There could have been so many other things, but.

• 1:29:34Speaker 01

  Of course I had a player face.

• 1:29:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's true. I know, I know. I know, dude. That's why again, you're going to think, you know, you think about the balls you drop obviously all night, but.

• 1:29:44Matt McCusker?

  I should have been like, I fucking cheated my wife all the time.

• 1:29:51Matt McCusker?

  No, it was great. It was, it was a great party for real. I had a blast. But yeah, it is a man. That is something, man. I always, you know, that's, that's a wild thing. It's crazy. I always say to black people, it's crazy to be like physically outnumbered by people who don't look like you. Yeah. When they flip the script on you, you go, this does kind of change your thinking a little bit. You go, this isn't the best. Let's, let's reverse this back. I feel this Freaky Friday is over, dude. Let's get me back to the dominant position.

• 1:30:12Speaker 02

  No, I had that one time years ago. I opened for, uh, I don't want to say his name. I get nervous, but a black comic who's, was famous and we were hanging out. I but we like, I thought we were friends. I mean, this person has some sort of disorder. And we were hanging out. It was like all of his crew and I was like, this is great. Look at me, you know? And we were watching the basketball game and it came down to like the last play. And I was like, any predictions? What do you think is going to happen here? And this person snapped and was like, I don't predict. I let what be be usually. And then he like got up and started ranting about like slavery and stuff. He was drunk and I was like, well, this is a bad situation. Like it was like, it was me and like 14 guys and I was the only white guy.

• 1:30:53Speaker 02

  And he was like, this is what the white people have been doing. And then there was a guy, I was like, should I like get out of here? And he's like, oh no, he does this.

• 1:30:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:31:00Speaker 02

  And it was quite terrifying. I have to say.

• 1:31:02Matt McCusker?

  Did you tell him that England ended slavery? I would have went into that.

• 1:31:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, pardon me. Uh, actually, here's the thing. But it was, yeah, I remember I was kind of looking around like, oh, this is if, if he gets these other folks on,

• 1:31:16Speaker 02

  on board.

• 1:31:16Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:31:18Speaker 02

  Situation. I don't have any, you know?

• 1:31:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:21Speaker 02

  But it was fine.

• 1:31:22Matt McCusker?

  That is uncomfortable though. I, I, yeah, I've been in that situation where like, you know, horrors of the past kind of rear the drug of the head in conversation.

• 1:31:30Speaker 02

  That becomes the dialogue and you're like, ah.

• 1:31:33Matt McCusker?

  Yes, crazy. Yes, crazy. It wasn't a global institution, but it's fucking crazy.

• 1:31:39Matt McCusker?

  It was practice all throughout the beginning of the time. But yes.

• 1:31:42Speaker 01

  What I think happens with white people, that happens way more with black people is y'all will end up in a situation like that around like regular, like black people that would feel that, like act like that. But black people are never around white people that if they all get fired up, it's uncomfortable. Like I'm not around a bunch of rednecks. Like if they all started going like, see, that's the problem. Like, but I'm never, I'm just around like y'all.

• 1:32:03Matt McCusker?

  Right, right. That's a great point.

• 1:32:05Speaker 01

  But, uh.

• 1:32:06Matt McCusker?

  Cause, cause I was sitting there like, in my head, I'm like, nobody's gonna do nothing to you. But I can see it being like, oh shit, I might have fucked up.

• 1:32:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, and in that situation, I wasn't like, I'm gonna die, but it felt like, oh, am I like bumming you guys? Like, should I? That's like.

• 1:32:22Matt McCusker?

  Trust me.

• 1:32:23Speaker 01

  And I can see myself getting in there if I was hanging with rednecks, just like, straight up country, just.

• 1:32:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:28Speaker 01

  Just cause I don't know, I don't know that.

• 1:32:31Speaker 02

  That's what it felt, it felt more like, why, I'll let you guys go, you guys have your thing.

• 1:32:35Matt McCusker?

  I felt like that at black church before, I'm like, am I, hopefully I'm not like dampening this, I want this guy to be able to do his thing and not, you know, worry about me, I'm cool.

• 1:32:42Speaker 02

  Can't do the backflips, cause you're over there. He wants to do the worm, but he's like, nah, we got a mic out here.

• 1:32:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you do feel kind of like a wet blanket on this situation.

• 1:32:53Matt McCusker?

  Well, damn it dude, I think we, I think we got it, man.

• 1:32:56Speaker 02

  I think we covered a lot.

• 1:32:57Matt McCusker?

  I think we did, we covered a lot of ground.

• 1:32:59Speaker 02

  I appreciate it. Well, I had a breakfast was a green tea and a smoothie, so I'm about to piss my pants.

• 1:33:04Matt McCusker?

  I'll let, please, you first, I'm, I'm about to explode. How about you Nate?

• 1:33:09Speaker 01

  Uh, no, I'm actually kinda cool, I didn't have my coffee, bummed me out.

• 1:33:12Matt McCusker?

  I'm, I'm really having a tough time here.

• 1:33:14Speaker 02

  Coffee.

• 1:33:15Matt McCusker?

  Well, is there, uh, anything you wanna?

• 1:33:18Speaker 02

  Can I plug my special? Yeah, I got a, I got a special called Small, I have four specials on YouTube, the latest one's called Small Ball.

• 1:33:23Matt McCusker?

  Meant to ask you about that, by the way, dude, maybe the most prolific dude ever.

• 1:33:26Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks, I appreciate that. Yeah, spread the word for God's sake.

• 1:33:30Matt McCusker?

  You what?

• 1:33:30Speaker 02

  I said, spread the word for God's sake, just tell somebody. Yeah, so there are a bunch on there, I Hate Myself, Enough For Everybody, This Year's Material, and Small Ball, they're all up there. And they each go down in order of views.

• 1:33:45Matt McCusker?

  That's good.

• 1:33:46Speaker 02

  Like 10 million, 2 million, no, it's bad, 1,800,000.

• 1:33:50Matt McCusker?

  No, but dude, the prolificness, I, every time, I opened it up the other day, I went, what the fuck?

• 1:33:56Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks, man.

• 1:33:57Matt McCusker?

  Son of a bitch.

• 1:33:58Speaker 02

  I'm trying.

• 1:33:59Matt McCusker?

  So, I gotta stop him.

• 1:34:03Matt McCusker?

  No, that's amazing, dude.

• 1:34:04Speaker 02

  Thanks, man, appreciate it. Thanks for having me, this is fun.

• 1:34:06Matt McCusker?

  Of course.

• 1:34:06Speaker 01

  How could I?

• 1:34:07Matt McCusker?

  Please.

• 1:34:07Speaker 01

  Uh, I'm gonna knock this, uh, La Mer might be back for that one, me, Sean, La Mer, all back again. September 16th, so next Tuesday, please, please come. Oh, and October 23rd, Helium, Helium, Atlanta, please, thank you, please come.

• 1:34:24Matt McCusker?

  Nice. Please, yeah, you go, please. P, I'm gonna, fuck, my head's about to explode, my head's about to explode.

• 1:34:40Speaker 05

  Welcome to the 50th Hunger Games!

• 1:34:42Speaker 01

  Witness the beginning of the revolution.

• 1:34:45Speaker 06

  Hey Mitch, you've been trying to take down these games from the start.

• 1:34:48Speaker 01

  Filmed for IMAX.

• 1:34:49Speaker 06

  Make them remember you.

• 1:34:52Speaker 01

  The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Weeping, November 20th, rated PG-13. Now streaming on Paramount+. I'm Dexter Morgan. I've been killing killers for half my life. It gets to ya. You're having a midlife crisis. I'm not ready for this. He's back. I'm older. I'm wiser. And sharper than ever. Things are gonna get messy. But if I can't believe in myself, I can't believe in anything. Dexter: Resurrection. New season now streaming on the Paramount+ Premium Plan.