#659 - Ari Matti

Ari Matti is a stand-up comedian from Estonia known for his regular appearances on “Kill Tony”. Ari joins Theo to talk about a close call he had in a gay nature zone, Estonian vs American culture, and why protecting free speech matters now more than ever. Ari Matti: https://www.instagram.com/arimatticomedy/ ------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Perplexity AI: Ask anything at https://pplx.ai/theo Shopify: Start your free trial today with Shopify at http://shopify.com/theo Better Help: This show is brought to you by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at http://BetterHelp.com/theo Morgan and Morgan: Visit https://forthepeople.com/THEO to see if you might have a case. Morgan and Morgan. America's Largest Injury Law Firm. Paramount Plus:Check out Dutton Ranch now streaming at https://www.paramountplus.com/shows/dutton-ranch/ Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on our episodes. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/ Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Andrew https://www.instagram.com/bleachmediaofficial/ Producer: Halston https://www.instagram.com/halstonrays/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Theo Von?

  You ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9 a.m. and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon. And then I eat it, or you eat it, or somebody eats it, and then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for dinner. And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. Their powder starts at less than $3 per meal, has 40 grams of protein, and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. I like Huell's shakes because they're clean and it's quick.

• 0:41Theo Von?

  I just want to make sure I have everything I need to keep going the way I want to keep going in a healthy manner. So with Huell, basically, lunch went from a daily logistical problem to a thing I can solve in about 30 seconds. Make healthy eating simple. New customers get an exclusive offer of 15% off online with my code WEEKEND at huell.com/weekend. That's H-U-E-L dot com slash weekend. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting our show. We got a little remodel of some merch on the site. It's our Be Good To Yourself tees, and we got them now. We redid them in a scribble style that I think is, uh, I like it.

• 1:26Theo Von?

  It's fresh, it's something new. I think that you'll like it as well. If you want to go check that out, you can. Those, it's new colorways of them as well and everything. We got it all at theovonstore.com, and thank you for your support. Hey, guys, just want to let you know, uh, this episode is kind of, it's a little more of a raunchy-ish conversation, more raunchier, and, um, it's great, uh, but it was deemed 18 and over by some platforms. Uh, just want to let you know that in case you're riding in the car with your kids or something like that. Um, I hope everybody's having a great day. Enjoy the episode. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian.

• 2:07Theo Von?

  Uh, some people call him the Estonian Assassin because he's from a country called Estonia. You may have seen him on Kill Tony. He's touring all over the country right now. I'm grateful to spend time with Mr. Ari Matti.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  You guys don't do headphones, do you?

• 2:41Theo Von?

  Nah, I don't care about it. Do you?

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Nah, I don't know.

• 2:43Theo Von?

  Joe does it. You did Rogan's.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  If it's like, if the other guy has it, then I gotta, but...

• 2:47Theo Von?

  The headphones?

• 2:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, if one guy's wearing it, it's like being, yeah, it's like being in a threesome and you're the guy that doesn't put on, and the other guy puts a condom on.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is true.

• 2:57Theo Von?

  You know what I'm saying? Like if at that point, you're like, oh, okay, then yeah, you know? It's kind of like, I feel like that sort of energy, dude.

• 3:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:05Theo Von?

  Uh, Ari Matty, good to see you, bro.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Good to see you.

• 3:08Theo Von?

  Thank you, bro.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  Fuck, yeah, let's get it, dude. Good to see you, my friend.

• 3:11Theo Von?

  Good to see you, man, yeah. Um, how was, uh, how was your weekend in Nashville? You were just performing here this week. What was it like? Did you get out to Broadway? What was some of your take of the place?

• 3:19Speaker 01

  I've been to Broadway, uh, the past times I've been to Nashville. It's, it's basically, we have, it's very similar to Austin, you know? But, uh, yeah, I did just say this this time. It was awesome. I didn't really go to Broadway. I stayed, I stayed away.

• 3:32Theo Von?

  But you've seen it before, right?

• 3:33Speaker 01

  I mean, it's a spectacle for sure. It's, it's for sure a spectacle to watch people. Last time I was on Broadway, I stepped into a puddle that, you know, when you don't know the depth of a puddle?

• 3:44Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:45Speaker 01

  It's like, it's like almost up to my knee. I like fell into a, I fell into the sea. And then I had to continue my night with a wet foot. And when you're 34 years old and you get a little like air conditioning with a wet foot, I know I'm gonna get sick.

• 3:59Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  And then I was sick for two weeks.

• 4:01Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. And that's some real, I mean, some, you'll see a puddle out there and you'll see a damn, somebody fishing in it, you know, people are...

• 4:07Speaker 01

  When I was 19, I could jump into a fucking fountain and then get out and just party on, no issue. Now, if my toe is wet, it's gonna be a big, I could, I could die. I could get pneumonia and fucking die, dude.

• 4:20Theo Von?

  It is, bro. Shit, when you're, as shit gets...

• 4:22Speaker 01

  Oh, it's crazy.

• 4:23Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  I literally like, uh, I had one of my first, one of these that I slipped and I fell and I thought, it's over. Like the pain that went through my lower back, my, I literally thought, it's broken, like call the hospital. When I was, when I was seventeen, I, not seventeen, I was like fifteen, I had a, uh, I had a skateboard and I held on to the back of a bus. You know, like you, for a ride.

• 4:49Theo Von?

  Like in Back to the Future type of thing.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, like in Tony Hawk Pro Skater, you know.

• 4:52Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  And then in typical bus driver form, he should, he sped up trying to lose me and kill me. And I went like, like face first into a pavement wall. And nothing happened. You just stand up. Now, uh, a badly timed sidewalk could kill me. Bro, I'm such a bitch. It's crazy. I literally got out of bed too fast, like a year ago, and my hip popped. Dude, I can still feel it. When it's cold, I still feel it.

• 5:21Theo Von?

  Yeah, brother, I feel you. And some of that stuff is just, and you don't know how to explain it to people and you don't, you don't want to explain it because it just weakens you. It's like,

• 5:28Speaker 01

  It weakens.

• 5:29Theo Von?

  If, if the part of you that breaks all the time hears you speak about it, you can,

• 5:32Speaker 01

  It's not good.

• 5:33Theo Von?

  It's not, cause it,

• 5:33Speaker 01

  And I never address it.

• 5:34Theo Von?

  No.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've just been with a blown up hip. And in a cold morning, that hurts like a.

• 5:41Theo Von?

  Oh, brother, it's the littlest things you don't even realize. It's like, I, when I was younger, I would just jump in the air. Now, now I have to go down a little, look up.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:52Theo Von?

  And then jump.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  If you want me to jump on something, give me fifteen minutes. You know, I need rubber bands, I need exercises, I need to warm up. It's crazy, dude. Yeah.

• 6:02Theo Von?

  Yeah, I need to interview a flat-earther. I need to have.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  And then, and then you know, when you watch like, you know, when you watch like video, have you seen these cranium videos now?

• 6:10Theo Von?

  No, what is it?

• 6:11Speaker 01

  It's like a thing where they like, it's like a guy, he like goes into your mouth and he like releases childhood drama and then people cry on a table. And I'm like, am I, do I need to get my cranium released?

• 6:24Theo Von?

  What is it called? Can you bring this up?

• 6:26Speaker 01

  Cranium release.

• 6:28Theo Von?

  Cranial face.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  That's like all my feed right now.

• 6:31Theo Von?

  This is cranial facial, uh, face facial release and cranial, cranial sac.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  I saw one video, it was a black guy. They released his cranial, he became white. It's crazy. Like everything in your life can be released with the cranial.

• 6:44Theo Von?

  It's a lot of trauma, dude, in the culture.

• 6:46Speaker 01

  There's a lot of trauma in the culture.

• 6:47Theo Von?

  Bro, that's crazy. They release you when you're fucking a woman, like tits just pop out of you or something.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, you get a bigger cock, you grow, you grow taller. Yeah, it's funny when you find out stuff that it's like.

• 6:59Theo Von?

  I haven't seen this. Bring this up. I just want to.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  It's huge.

• 7:03Theo Von?

  And who's doing it? It's probably a mid, is it a Middle Easterner trying to do it to somebody?

• 7:07Speaker 01

  See, yeah, yeah.

• 7:09Theo Von?

  Hold on a second.

• 7:12Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, they put like a balloon up your nose and it comes out of your mouth. It's all crazy.

• 7:18Theo Von?

  And it's part of the Harlem Globetrotters? What is? Yeah, this is so funny. Bro, first of all, go back 10 seconds. Just seeing a Middle Eastern guy with a skull?

• 7:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:29Theo Von?

  It's just, it's too much.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  I know, I know, I know, I know.

• 7:33Speaker 01

  And now this lady's straight. She was a lesbian before and now she's straight. Everything in your life can be fixed by cranial.

• 7:40Theo Von?

  Oh, God, yeah. It's always like this. It's kind of like a tightly, it's like a Persian and like fitted figs or whatever. And they're just explaining to you like how it will save you. And what do they do? They put it in? Is there another video?

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I see this guy. He puts a fucking thumb in his mouth and he sucks on it.

• 7:58Theo Von?

  Oh, well, then he, that's trauma. Then he needs the cranial.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  Look at this guy.

• 8:03Theo Von?

  Oh, I've seen this. Is this real?

• 8:05Speaker 01

  This is the thing.

• 8:07Theo Von?

  Cranial, for my cranial sacral and nervous system reset, you can reset it. This guy's just blowing.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  No, no, I think he's pushing like on the.

• 8:20Speaker 01

  Okay, I went too deep.

• 8:23Speaker 01

  Are you, you feel better?

• 8:26Theo Von?

  Oh, I feel like calling somebody a faggot, but I think, but not me, though.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Not me.

• 8:32Theo Von?

  But yeah, so I don't think this is good for me.

• 8:33Speaker 01

  There's always like new trends where you find out that this is what's wrong with your life, that you haven't had your, your cranial is all fucked up.

• 8:39Theo Von?

  Yeah. Okay, here we got a guy, they got a honky laid out here.

• 8:44Speaker 02

  So three different openings in each side of the nose. So we're gonna do left lower. This is gonna be a little cold. It's gonna be a little weird. I feel a little weird at first.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  No shit, it's a little weird. He literally blows it up. He literally swells up your brain.

• 8:56Theo Von?

  This is crazy.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  I don't like any doctor that just has three diplomas and a word of mouth, you know?

• 9:03Theo Von?

  A word of snout. This guy is fucking. If you can't see at home, they've just put a balloon into this guy's head and then they.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  Blew it up.

• 9:12Theo Von?

  Blew it up with air.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  He just blew up.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  Did you hear that?

• 9:16Theo Von?

  And now he's smiling.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  In reality that was.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  Now he's straight.

• 9:21Theo Von?

  There you go, dude. Well, they had that praying the gay out of children. Remember that was a big thing.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  Not for us, but big in America.

• 9:29Theo Von?

  In America.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Pray the gay away, pray the gay away.

• 9:31Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  And it's always the gayest guy telling you to pray. And it's funny that they send you to a camp filled with forty dudes and deep in the woods with no contact to the outside world. Seems like a great place. They even tell you, even God shut his eyes for this one. Don't worry. The next two weeks, we are free in the river, brother.

• 9:47Theo Von?

  Free at last, brother. Well, gays, you know, I grew up around it. Have you ever seen a rest area in America?

• 9:54Speaker 01

  Like a pit, like a rest stop? Yeah, that's where you suck, suck, suck, suck.

• 9:57Theo Von?

  It was a big thing. And they shut it down for a while. They started putting like glyphosate in the backyard there and stuff like that. They tried to shut it down. But.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  You don't stop gay people from fucking, dude.

• 10:11Theo Von?

  I'm like, it'll kill weeds, but it's not, you know what I'm saying? It's not stopping. You know, it's not stopping some of these sexual trends.

• 10:19Theo Von?

  But they had a lot of gays in our area. They would meet up behind there.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  For sure.

• 10:23Theo Von?

  And they would, they had a river back there and they'd get out, they'd do drugs and get out in the river and hug and everything.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  Gay people love to fuck in a bush. Like it's, it's like.

• 10:30Theo Von?

  Why?

• 10:31Speaker 01

  I don't know. Yeah, it's like get a hotel. It's okay now. But it's like when I went to, I used to live in Vancouver. When I moved there, literally first night when I moved there, I went for a walk. In Stanley Park. It's the local park next to the city.

• 10:45Theo Von?

  Oh, I've been there. It's beautiful.

• 10:49Theo Von?

  Goes along the, right on the, along the water.

• 10:52Speaker 01

  You become a werewolf there. It's like so nice and quiet. First time I was there, I uh, I got a little high, I was deep in the woods thinking on my own things. And it's like so quiet and serene. And then I'm like, uh, I'm like, I take my shirt off, it's like sunny, I got some sun on my, I get a little tan going, do a little pushups, do a little shadow boxing. I'm alone in the woods.

• 11:13Theo Von?

  Okay, of course, this is natural, yeah.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  It's natural, you do a little pushups?

• 11:17Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is like a deleted scene from the bible, I feel like, but let's hear more, I wanna hear more about it.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  Deleted scene from the bible.

• 11:24Theo Von?

  They should, bro, if you and me made deleted scenes from the bible?

• 11:28Speaker 01

  Now that's funny, deleted scenes from the bible is a funny concept, it's.

• 11:32Theo Von?

  Anyway, uh, I interrupt you, you go.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  I'm doing a little pushups, I'm getting a glisten going. Then I see a guy like walking past and it's, when guys trying to fuck, it's a look they have. It's just the way they move, it's uh, like he's walking one way, but he's looking at me like this. He's got his sunglasses on, but he's peeking over the sunglasses, right?

• 11:54Theo Von?

  Right, so everything he's doing, he's doing something separate, like he's walking one way, but looking another way. He's got sunglasses on, but he's got them down and looking over, so he's.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  He's establishing contact, first contact.

• 12:05Theo Von?

  Yes, sir, yes, he is.

• 12:07Speaker 01

  He keeps walking, I keep boxing.

• 12:10Theo Von?

  Now you're boxing harder.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm trying to be like, look at this shit, like, you don't want none of this. And then, five minutes go by, he comes out of another bush, like I hear like a crack, and I'm like, now he's closer. So now, I take my music out, cause I need all my senses, this is, this is, this might be an ambush, there might be several of them, this is like a room of mirrors. Which is the real guy trying to fuck me, dude.

• 12:36Theo Von?

  Oh, that's crazy.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, so I need all my senses.

• 12:39Theo Von?

  That'd be a cool game show.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  So I'm like, trying to get sober, I like throw some water on my face, I need to be sharp. Put my backpack on, I'm about to, I'm about to, I have to fuck my way out of this forest.

• 12:48Theo Von?

  You fix your hip really quick, yeah.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, I start warming up. So then he comes, hey man, and I try to give him a hey man, but not a hey man, not a friendly one, I give him a hey man, like a little.

• 13:01Theo Von?

  Right, like what are we doing here?

• 13:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hey man.

• 13:05Theo Von?

  Hey man.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  He goes, you want a beer? I go, nah, I don't want a beer. Then I real, oh, oh, he's out here, and then he disappears, I train, change location.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Different guy, like another one. Backpack, he's looking like he's been in the woods for days looking for dick.

• 13:27Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  And, and he walk, and this new guy.

• 13:30Theo Von?

  Like, where's dick though? Yeah, like kinda like where's Waldo, but a little different, like where's dick though?

• 13:35Speaker 01

  And he walks past, same look, just a full eye contact, and now I see there's a cock hanging from, he's got it out. He's got it out.

• 13:43Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 13:44Speaker 01

  Maybe he heard.

• 13:46Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  Maybe like down at the base.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Like that was the messenger.

• 13:51Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  We got one.

• 13:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  And it's kind of on me, I mean, I'm, I'm a little like a gay superhero.

• 13:57Theo Von?

  I will say.

• 13:57Speaker 01

  I know, it's kind of on me, by the way.

• 13:59Theo Von?

  Yeah, you're like a piece of bait in the woods, you've set your shadow boxing, which, shadow boxing is, but here's what it gives, I think. It gives this idea, oh, I wish somebody else were here with me.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Exact, oh, the shadow, I need someone to be the shadow.

• 14:13Theo Von?

  Right, so then the guy just paints himself black and just starts like laying connected to your feet.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Then I see his cock, now I'm kind of a, and both, by the way, you know what I was offended? Both those guys looked like absolute ass, like fifty years old. I'm a beautiful angel, I'm like twenty-six years old, at my prime.

• 14:32Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 14:32Speaker 01

  I'm doing shadow boxing.

• 14:33Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 14:33Speaker 01

  Even if I fuck you, the others would never believe you, like. I would be like a myth that they talk about in the gay circle for years, there's this blue eyed. Yeah, if you stay in Stanley Park long enough, an angel will appear, so.

• 14:51Theo Von?

  God dang, bro.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  And I'm like, and it's funny, it's my first time being like, kind of like sexually assaulted, I would say, and it's funny. It kind of put things into perspective for me as well, how like, it's not.

• 15:05Theo Von?

  Tell it.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  It's, it's, it's not that I can't beat the fuck out of you. I'm not in da, I don't feel threatened, like a woman with a bigger man would in that situation.

• 15:15Theo Von?

  Right.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  But the fact you're like showing me your cock makes me feel like a bitch.

• 15:22Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  You, you know, it's like.

• 15:23Theo Von?

  Let me think about it for a second, like if I've ever seen somebody's cock, like how did I feel about it?

• 15:28Speaker 01

  And he was like shaking, he was like giving a little shake and like looking straight into my eyes, just giving me a little shake.

• 15:33Theo Von?

  Oh, I didn't know all that.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  Oh, that's.

• 15:36Theo Von?

  That's a lot, that's like, it's almost.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  Come on, boy.

• 15:39Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  Wow, you know?

• 15:42Theo Von?

  That's like, like a dog treat or something.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  I know.

• 15:45Theo Von?

  So that I could understand. He, you feel like, like, oh, like you're being summoned or something, maybe?

• 15:50Speaker 01

  And, and the cock, the cock he had, it looked like it's been through a hole. Like, I don't know, his last partner was a train or like heavy.

• 15:59Theo Von?

  His last partner was a long winter.

• 16:03Theo Von?

  That's pretty wild, brother.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  So he gives, and I literally don't know what to say. I act like it's none of my business.

• 16:10Theo Von?

  What do you mean? How do you act like someone's cock isn't in your business? I know how you do because that's what we do all the time.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  It's us in the woods. I don't even, I'm never, so I keep walking like fast and I look over. Now I'm getting like nervous. They're circling me.

• 16:23Theo Von?

  Who are they?

• 16:24Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 16:25Theo Von?

  Are you sure?

• 16:26Speaker 01

  I'm alone. There's no reception. I'm in Stanley Park. The woods are high. The, the sun doesn't even, the trees are so high, the sun is in a ridge. We're down in the, if I, even if I yell, help. It's over.

• 16:39Theo Von?

  And now is this Palantir doing this? Like, who do you think's doing this?

• 16:42Speaker 01

  This is an organization and I'm high.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  I try to find my way out and I, oh my God, I stumble on this tree stump, you know, like a tree stump.

• 16:53Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, for sure. I've seen him.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  Eighty to a one sixty amount of condoms, like on the floor, just this mass of used up condoms.

• 17:04Theo Von?

  Oh, like the Wailing Wall or whatever?

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. Maybe this is the stump, you know, Jews kiss the wa, the rock or whatever.

• 17:11Theo Von?

  Those were like gay Jews.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  This is their stump.

• 17:15Theo Von?

  Where they, where they humped the stump kind of or something.

• 17:17Speaker 01

  And I'm trying to find a trail, the way out. Just before I get to the trail, after the stump, my heart is racing. I'm now like, what the fuck is hap, like? How did I find this deep in the wood? And then I see in the bush, the two guys. The one guy with the glasses, the beer guy. And then the other guy with the cock.

• 17:36Theo Von?

  The wiener guy.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  I see them in the distance.

• 17:43Theo Von?

  Doing what? Blowjobbing?

• 17:46Speaker 01

  I wish this was a job. This wasn't a job. This was holding hair. Oh God, oh God.

• 17:52Theo Von?

  Like dick slavery or whatever?

• 17:53Speaker 01

  This was slavery.

• 17:58Theo Von?

  God, brother.

• 17:59Speaker 01

  And the guy banging the other guy's mouth, he like makes eye contact.

• 18:04Theo Von?

  The chef, they call that guy.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  Yes, the chef.

• 18:10Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 18:11Speaker 01

  And he's cooking up a meal. Mom, mom!

• 18:15Theo Von?

  Okay, just, okay, keep going, sorry, some of the sounds are making some, I don't want the neighbors knocking.

• 18:20Speaker 01

  Cause you know, it's like.

• 18:22Theo Von?

  No, but go on.

• 18:23Speaker 01

  And he makes eye contact with me.

• 18:25Theo Von?

  Why do they keep doing that?

• 18:27Speaker 01

  I know, it's crazy, he's like, you want some, ah! So I turn around, I find a road, and then I see like another guy on the trail, and I'm already giving him a weird like, stay away from him, then I realized, and then I saw his family, it's just a German guy looking for, and I wanted to tell him like, ah, Eintrudel going, nein, don't go there.

• 18:44Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  And then I get out of the woods, and then I, then, of course, immediately, I go on Reddit and Facebook groups, that's the suck and fuck stump.

• 18:53Theo Von?

  Ah.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  I was literally like, have you seen The Grey with Liam, Liam Neeson, have you seen The Grey?

• 18:58Theo Von?

  The Grey?

• 18:59Speaker 01

  Well, remember where he fights the wolves?

• 19:01Theo Von?

  I haven't seen it. I've seen the advertisement for it, but I didn't fall for it yet, but I will.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  It's like a movie where he fights wolves, cause they keep attacking him, and then, at the end of the movie, you find out, the whole time, he's been trying to escape the wolves, see, this is me, look with the gay guy, look, look, look, this is me with the gay man.

• 19:14Theo Von?

  God.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's trying to escape the wolves, but then at the end of the movie, he goes to the nest of the wolves, which they're most protected, that's how I felt.

• 19:23Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  Like I.

• 19:24Theo Von?

  Like you were in the swarm, it's almost like you had somehow found your way through the honeycomb to the queen bee.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then, for a year, if I did stand up, I always talked about that experience, and whenever I said, first time I came to Vancouver, I went to Stanley Park, and everyone already laughs, cause they know it's a suck and fuck push.

• 19:39Theo Von?

  And it's called Stanley Park?

• 19:41Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:41Theo Von?

  Well, it's crazy, because they have one in Pittsburgh called Shinley Park.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  And they fuck there too.

• 19:46Theo Von?

  And there was, there used to be rumors of like, different quarterbacks for the, ah, Steelers going up there and doing, ah, male on male sexual.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:56Theo Von?

  And then they had, um, but bring up, yeah, can we get a Reddit or like a Google review, let's go to Google review of Stanley Park and just get a, go down that for you privately and see if you get any, if people are reporting, um. You know, kinda gay activities over there.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  Reporting gay activities?

• 20:13Theo Von?

  Well, it used to be like, like to go, and I'm sorry you went through that. And when I was a kid, across that river, so where the rest area was, across from that, they had a lot of men, like kinda straight men, or people that worked in like constru- like semi-straight, people that worked like in mechanics, you know, mechanics assistant or construction or something. They would, uh, they had one of those, like those slingshot things, the big ones? And they would shoot potatoes across, cause I grew up on the other side of the river, across from the rest area.

• 20:42Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 20:43Theo Von?

  So we'd get out there when we're kids with binoculars and watch like the guys do dope and then hug in the water.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  And hug in the water.

• 20:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, I mean, it was, really was like a deleted team from the Bible, dude, that's another one we have now. So it was like, uh, but some of the adult men would fire a potato, if they got too close, they'd fire a tot over at them to get them to separate, you know? So it's like this crazy shit that went on, but I think it is interesting when you get around the woods and when you get back to nature, like how sexuality is really close right there, you know?

• 21:12Speaker 01

  For sure, yeah, and it's also like, there's for sure the thrill of like, like I have a gay friend of mine, he's like older, and he says, they, he says, oh yeah, there's all kinds of underground suck and fuck clubs and they fuck in the bush.

• 21:25Theo Von?

  Oh my.

• 21:26Speaker 01

  It's cause you know, men wanna be a little perverted, but we have to, when we bang women, we have to, we have to, they're angels, you know, so we have to like.

• 21:35Theo Von?

  That's a good point.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  But if there's two guys, we wanna make it.

• 21:39Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, it's like, I wanna throw you halfway through a window.

• 21:42Speaker 01

  I wanna fuck your mouth in a bush, you know, that's what I wanna do. And guess what? He wants to do that too.

• 21:50Theo Von?

  Oh my god.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:52Theo Von?

  Ugh. Here's a note, somebody right here said, I masturbate in Stanley Park and I'm sorry. Anyone who stumbled into me doing that, but I don't do it in front of people, I am not a sex offender. So this is somebody just clearing the air.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  Did you see how rough that note looked? Holy shit dude.

• 22:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, uh, it says historically Stanton Park has served as a gay cruising location with secluded trails near the Lost Lagoon in forest areas. You could have been in the Lost Lagoon, my brother.

• 22:19Speaker 01

  I know, I was very lost.

• 22:21Theo Von?

  But I, I could see this also. You were in the park for a couple of days and it could change your sexuality. I could, do you feel like something like that could happen? Like, nature's just such a ground where something different can happen. The woods is always like a mysterious place.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  Mysterious place.

• 22:35Theo Von?

  Like, even when you were a kid and you would go there, um, it was just like, you know what I'm saying? That's where like anything, there were monsters, there was porn hidden.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:43Theo Von?

  Yeah, there was like-

• 22:43Speaker 01

  You smoked your, I smoked my first cigarette in the bush.

• 22:46Theo Von?

  It all happened in there.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  Uh, piece of alcohol in the bush. It's always like, there's a tree house, first kisses.

• 22:53Theo Von?

  There's people living, and then some guy's just living there and you're like-

• 22:55Speaker 01

  Just guy, yeah, living in the woods.

• 22:57Theo Von?

  Yeah, there's just a lot that happens there. And I think there always has been. It's a very mysterious place. And I think gay people used to not be able to just be gay, now it's-

• 23:06Speaker 01

  Exactly, so that's the, that's like, I guess it's like a, it's like a throwback to them of like-

• 23:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 23:11Speaker 01

  When times were not simpler, but-

• 23:13Theo Von?

  Different.

• 23:14Speaker 01

  More exhilarating, I guess.

• 23:16Theo Von?

  Oh, for sure dude. I think being gay now would seem very-

• 23:20Speaker 01

  I mean, it's boring now.

• 23:22Theo Von?

  I agree.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  My neighbor says he's gay, I'm like, yeah, I'm straight, I'm, I'm tall.

• 23:26Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 23:26Speaker 01

  Who gives a fuck?

• 23:27Theo Von?

  Yeah, you're, you're, yeah, yeah, I wear, yeah, I wear an 11, you know?

• 23:30Speaker 01

  Like, I'm from, like, oh my god, like, that friend I was talking about, who, who I ask all these gay questions. I have like one gay confidant.

• 23:37Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  I ask him all kinds of gay stuff.

• 23:39Theo Von?

  Here in the US?

• 23:39Speaker 01

  No, he's Estonian and he, and he doesn't get offended. I can ask him whatever I want.

• 23:43Theo Von?

  Okay, and you're from Estonia, I wanna, I wanna ask you about that, I wanna get into that, but, uh, this is before you go on, so.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  He's like in his 50s, you know?

• 23:50Theo Von?

  Okay, so he's an adult, he's a fully activated-

• 23:52Speaker 01

  So he grew up, like, if you grow up gay in San Francisco- How hard is it to come out of the closet in San? Your parents are prob- you probably get a benefit.

• 24:02Theo Von?

  You know, you probably get a, yeah.

• 24:03Speaker 01

  You get a group, you have a support group, you have all these friends, your parents are happy.

• 24:07Theo Von?

  Yeah, you get like a special meta log in or something.

• 24:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, you start stand up, you get a Netflix deal within a year. You get a podcast.

• 24:14Theo Von?

  That is true, dude.

• 24:15Speaker 01

  I know.

• 24:15Theo Von?

  You get a podcast given to you and suddenly you're on the charts no matter what.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's like, who was the famous transition? Uh, the, the athlete who went, uh, now she's a she.

• 24:27Theo Von?

  Prefontaine or whatever?

• 24:28Speaker 01

  Um, no, no, no, it's the famous family. Caitlyn Jenner? Caitlyn Jenner.

• 24:31Theo Von?

  Yes, Caitlyn Jenner.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  So for her, multimillionaire coming out of the closet immediately on Forbes or Times, ma- immediately Woman of the Year, it's like a, for her, transitioning, I mean, transitioning for a millionaire in Hollywood, how hard can it be?

• 24:47Theo Von?

  Right.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  Now imagine being gay during like the Soviet Union. You have to suck cock in the shadows like a secret agent.

• 24:56Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, dude.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  Now that's exhilarating.

• 24:59Theo Von?

  Double O slurping, dude, that's gotta be crazy.

• 25:01Speaker 01

  Like gay in San Francisco is one thing.

• 25:04Theo Von?

  That's nothing.

• 25:04Speaker 01

  A homosexual in the eighties Soviet Union, nineteen eighties. Now that's, he sucked dick risking his life. Now he loves cock.

• 25:15Theo Von?

  Yeah, I don't have to be loving, but he loves, either loves cock or he likes mysteries that end in cock. You know what I'm saying?

• 25:22Speaker 01

  I guess so.

• 25:24Theo Von?

  Dude, imagine that, bro, like, imagine first of all, you find out you're gay. Cause I don't even know how people find out, like, I don't know if you get like a thing in the mail or whatever. Cause it's like, some people I think would never even know, like, if you're like, maybe if you're uneducated, you think you're just like watching your buddy's ass, you know, trying to peek it. I mean, I don't, I don't even know what some people think, but yes, dude, a long time ago. And you're like, oh my God, and you cannot let anybody know.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Nobody, and then imagine.

• 25:53Theo Von?

  Imagine what?

• 25:54Speaker 01

  You've been, you've been like in the closet, closet, closet, this is in the closet and this is a bank vault.

• 25:59Theo Von?

  Yes, you're in very deep in the closet, you're in the hamper.

• 26:01Speaker 01

  And he told me, he told me, I was like, so when did you? And he's like, man, I always knew it, but I hid it so deep in me. You know, and he was like drug addict, drinking, he was even like, um, he told me when he was younger, he was kind of violent against women, cause you know, you hate yourself and when you hate yourself, you hate the world around you, you know?

• 26:21Theo Von?

  He probably didn't even know it either.

• 26:22Speaker 01

  Now he said he knew, but, but, but. He never explored it. And then he said he was like

• 26:30Theo Von?

  What happened?

• 26:30Speaker 01

  Maybe like twenty five or something. I think it was something like that. He goes to a party in Finland. Finland is a ferry ride right across from Estonia. And it's not the Soviet Union, so it's a bit more. You know, and also, nobody knows you there.

• 26:45Theo Von?

  Oh, it's a bit more kind of like a nouveau riche or risque.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  And he was in a nightclub.

• 26:51Theo Von?

  And he took a ferry there, so even a ferry ride, that will stimulate.

• 26:56Speaker 01

  The ocean.

• 26:57Theo Von?

  Yeah, the ocean within.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  And you're you're abroad. Nobody knows me here. And he said he was in like a bar. And he said a guy looked at him in a way that no one has ever looked at him. And he knows. That look. And they just suck and fuck for like three days in a hotel room.

• 27:15Theo Von?

  God, I thought the story was gonna be a lot. I thought it was like gonna be a bigger moment between that part.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  They just went to the hotel and that's what's his first like experience.

• 27:22Theo Von?

  No.

• 27:22Speaker 01

  You know, and he talks to this guy and this guy, yeah, it's fine, like this is. Like you're a person, it's fine.

• 27:28Theo Von?

  Yeah, you're Finnish.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, Finnish, yeah, Finnish on me.

• 27:31Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  And then he went back to Estonia, had to hide it for a little while. So it's like tho- those gay guy, when I look at like a fifty plus year old gay man. To be gay in the eighties, you had to fight for your right to suck dick. That's a gay man.

• 27:45Theo Von?

  Heroes.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's a hero, that's.

• 27:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  You know.

• 27:48Theo Von?

  That's the Navy.

• 27:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's literally, you're a, yeah, yeah, you you growing up in the Marines.

• 27:52Theo Von?

  Yeah, and sorry, the Marines might take offense, I think the Navy will be okay if we say that. And no offense if anybody is being gay or not, or in the Marines or whatever. But yeah, dude, I talk about that, actually, I just taped my special the other day and I have a bit about that. I mean, everybody has a bit about a lot of these things. But yeah, dude.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  And with Caitlyn too, you know, it's like, she's like an icon in America. That we had a um, a trans bass player in a band, it was all chicks in a band, famous Estonian band. And one guy, the bass player was a guy, but he always wore like skirts and shit.

• 28:24Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  And then eventually he transitioned.

• 28:26Theo Von?

  So like women's paraphernalia, whatever skirts, bizears.

• 28:29Speaker 01

  Mm hmm. Bizears. And then he transitioned like girly two thousands. And in Estonia at that time, we were all like, we don't even know what to go do an Estonian doctor.

• 28:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 28:41Speaker 01

  Who usually does, gives you a little, like, paracetamol when you have a headache.

• 28:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, like, these are, yeah, people can't even do this in Estonia.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 28:49Theo Von?

  So to get a sex change.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  And to tell a doctor.

• 28:52Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  Shove half of it off, the other half you just, like, cut half of it out, shove the other half in. Build me a pussy, build me a Soviet pussy.

• 29:02Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  And they were like, I remember he was even in the news, she, she was even in the, I mean, at that time, I mean.

• 29:08Theo Von?

  A Soviet pussy dude. Bro, that's the name of the musical we're gonna write. That's the name of the musical.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  And there was like a news article that she was in the grocery store in Estonia.

• 29:19Theo Von?

  So this is, it originally was a man and then he transitioned.

• 29:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:21Theo Von?

  Okay, then she was in the store.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  And she was in, there was a news article, she was in the grocery store and some guys are drunk and they're yelling [BLEEP] and shit, you know? And you know what she did? Took the heels off and went fucking factory setting and just started beating the. She went, that's, now that's someone who stands up for gay rights.

• 29:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 29:40Speaker 01

  You know? If you're a millionaire, you go to a private clinic, you know?

• 29:43Theo Von?

  That's easy.

• 29:44Speaker 01

  That's an easy, you're a hero.

• 29:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, and those rich people, they'll even get like a, um.

• 29:49Speaker 01

  A pretty pussy.

• 29:50Theo Von?

  Yeah, or a weekend cock, you know, just give me something I can put on for the weekend.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:54Theo Von?

  You know, they'll get something with earrings on it, it's like, this is unreal. I'm talking about the frickin' day-to-day, blue collar.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  Potato pussy.

• 30:03Theo Von?

  The Glasgow Scotland pussy.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 30:06Theo Von?

  Good day, sir.

• 30:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 30:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, the vagina that even like, if you look at it, if you look at it two times, at least one of those times, it still kinda looks like a cock.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  For sure.

• 30:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 30:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, you just.

• 30:18Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Like, it's just doing its best.

• 30:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:23Theo Von?

  I wanna let you know about Shopify. Hands down, it's the best place to start and to grow your business these days. That's it. If you're trying to get something going and you don't know if you can, you don't know if you have all the pieces, then you need to know Shopify. It's the platform where you, you own everything. You own it. It's your store. It's your community. They just help. They did it for us. I didn't know if I could have a merch, merch shop and Shopify made it. Yes, I can. I, I believe we can do this. We can adjust. We can scale. We can scale up when things are going swell and we can scale down when, when it's a tougher season. Shopify

• 31:04Theo Von?

  gets your products in front of shoppers wherever they are. Google, YouTube, Tik Tok shop, the shop app, even chat GPT. Heck, if they could might even be able to set you up. You need to just send a drone over to somebody and just tell them about your business. I don't know. That's me guesstimating. But if you've thought about starting a business, this is your sign. Get started today at Shopify.com/ Theo. That's Shopify.com/ T H E O. Beth and Rip are back in a new series, Dutton Ranch, streaming on Paramount Plus. Kelly

• 31:44Theo Von?

  Riley and Cole Howser return, and this time they're taking on Texas. As Beth and Rip begin to build a future together, peace will have to wait as they face corruption, danger, and a ruthless rival ranch willing to protect its secrets at all costs. And Texas is about to learn what happens when you pick the wrong fight. Legacy is a beautiful thing, but only if it survives. Dutton Ranch, starring Cole Howser, Kelly Riley, Annette Bening, and Ed Harris, now streaming on Paramount Plus.

• 32:33Theo Von?

  Dude, so you're from Estonia, so let's bring up Estonia because it to a lot of people, or I'm not gonna say that, I've always, it sounded like a fictional place, like, I remember when I was a kid, I heard the word Kalamazoo, right? And it sounds like a place Dr. Seuss would have made up or something.

• 32:49Speaker 01

  Is it a place?

• 32:50Theo Von?

  It's a place in Michigan, but I didn't know that.

• 32:51Speaker 01

  Kalamazoo.

• 32:52Theo Von?

  Kalamazoo, right? It sounds like.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, that sounds like a candy, or?

• 32:56Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 32:57Speaker 01

  It sounds like a candy that pops in your mouth.

• 32:59Theo Von?

  Yes, the Kalamazoo. And, uh, and I, but then I was in an airport one time, I was probably 16 years old, I'm in the airport, and I saw Kalamazoo, and I was like, no way, it's a real place. Never had an idea. So Estonia seems like a place that almost seems like something out of, um, I guess it's.

• 33:15Speaker 01

  Game of Thrones or something?

• 33:16Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 33:17Speaker 01

  Do we get that a lot?

• 33:17Theo Von?

  But it gets confusing, because I can't, if somebody said, "describe Estonia," I'd have no idea what it is. How to spend a weekend in Tallinn, is that the capital?

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:25Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  It's like, Kalamazoo is like my Subway, you know the, you know the sandwich shop Subway?

• 33:31Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 33:32Speaker 01

  We had one Subway in Estonia.

• 33:34Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  When I was like 16, I went there every day, and I thought, so cool of a family restaurant. Name it Subway, because the sandwich looks like a Subway. I did my birthday there. And then I went for like a trip to Sweden, and I saw another Subway, it broke my fucking heart.

• 33:48Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 33:49Speaker 01

  I thought this was like a family restaurant.

• 33:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:51Theo Von?

  Oh dude, it's beautiful. I mean, just picturing somebody doing their birthday there.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  In a Subway, yeah.

• 33:56Theo Von?

  It's beautiful, dude.

• 33:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:57Theo Von?

  And I'll say this too, I dated a girl that worked at a Subway, and I remember, um, I'd go in there and she'd hug me with, she'd have those hand covers on, and she would hug me when, when she had them on.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  Did she smell after her shift? She smelled the Subway, I bet.

• 34:11Theo Von?

  Oh, beautiful. The Asiago, when they came out with that Asiago bread, people didn't know what to do.

• 34:15Speaker 01

  I used to bang a girl from McDonald's, she smelled.

• 34:17Theo Von?

  Okay, that's different.

• 34:18Speaker 01

  She quit McDonald's, like, she, she had been quit, she hadn't been working there for six months.

• 34:24Theo Von?

  What, the sex was so good, she quit McDonald's, you're telling me?

• 34:26Speaker 01

  (laughing)

• 34:27Theo Von?

  That's insane, bro, are you kidding?

• 34:29Speaker 01

  What? And I would go to her place. Are you, six months later, her apartment still smells like the fries, you know?

• 34:38Theo Von?

  Yeah. There's some, bro, that was such a mystery, dude, like it is, like at certain ages when you're still going over to strangers homes for sex.

• 34:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:49Theo Von?

  That's a crazy experience, especially if they live with a lot of other people, or you don't know who they live with, or there's an animal there, you have to like first defend yourself against the animal, or you have to like placate the animal. You have to get down close to it, lie in its ears, tell it lies. And so, you know what I'm saying? It's like you have to get past the wizard.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  You always know if it's a whore, if the dog is too friendly. The dog is like giving you water like you're doing a podcast, just you wait here, they'll let you know when she's ready.

• 35:18Speaker 01

  That's how you know it's a fucking whore.

• 35:20Theo Von?

  Take a number out of one of those little machines.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  If the dog attacks you, that's, that's, that's how you know.

• 35:25Theo Von?

  That's a good sign, bro. You're right, dude, that's great. Dude, one time I went into a, uh.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  If he brings you, if he brings you the condom, you know, in his mouth, it's like, oh, fuck.

• 35:34Theo Von?

  And if he can take it off for you. That's insane, dude. And, bro, dude, one time I went on this thing called Semester at Sea, so it's like a floating school that's on a campus. It's a floating college.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  Floating college.

• 35:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, bring it up.

• 35:50Speaker 01

  What?

• 35:51Theo Von?

  Semester at Sea. My friend got me on this. It's, it was for like fancy people, right?

• 35:57Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, this is such a, if my daughter ever said, I'm going to a semester at sea, oh, my God. I mean, this is a suck and fuck boat.

• 36:07Theo Von?

  I mean, I think that was.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  My sweet baby angel is stuck at sea. Even a helicopter can't access you. Holy fuck, this is worse than Taken.

• 36:15Theo Von?

  Now, brother, there's a lot of education going on.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  I'd rather send my daughter to France. This is worse than Taken.

• 36:20Theo Von?

  Well, in France, they'll fuck her, but softly, you know, it's like very, they can't even really get the job done.

• 36:28Theo Von?

  But, uh, but no, we went on this and, um, and I got a job, I worked in the bookstore and my college, like all my college stuff applied to it. So in the end, it wasn't very expensive. And like I got like, you know, different, like little loans you can get, like, um, they had these like Fannie Mae loans or some, anyway, so I was able to go on this thing, but we went to. What was something we were just talking about, you remember it?

• 36:50Speaker 01

  Uh, we were talking about, oh, going to a stranger's place to suck and fuck. Uh, you're on a boat, you're working, you met a girl, maybe?

• 37:01Theo Von?

  Yeah, I was on, uh.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Or met a guy.

• 37:04Theo Von?

  No, I never met a man. I'm never meeting a man.

• 37:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm so straight, I'm never meeting a man.

• 37:09Theo Von?

  Well, I would meet a man for like dinner or something if it's a friend or like, but I'm not.

• 37:14Speaker 01

  When the sun goes down, you gotta go.

• 37:16Theo Von?

  Well, I'm just like, I think being gay probably one thousand years ago, or even one hundred years ago, probably seemed way more exciting. Like even if you were just a brave ass dude that loved like Carmen Sandiego or Encyclopedia Brown or any of those type of, um, you know, those books, like those mystery books, you might be like, oh, I'll be gay just because it's fucking, you want to play hide and go seek against the best.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  You ever did something like gay shit when you were young, but you, it, it, you didn't know it's gay, it's just like boys exploring themselves or something? Did you do anything like that?

• 37:46Theo Von?

  I wouldn't say I did anything like that.

• 37:47Speaker 01

  Hmm. I did something where me and my cousin, we would go to an abandoned, you know, like a construction site when it's abandoned? It has that, uh, what's the place where they, like the container where the construction guys, they do coffee, they take a nap?

• 38:02Theo Von?

  Oh, yes.

• 38:03Speaker 01

  You know the container?

• 38:03Theo Von?

  Yes, it's like a little, like, uh, it's like a little trailer.

• 38:06Speaker 01

  A trailer, yeah, yeah, like, and it was like an abandoned trailer. And me and my cousin would go there and we would like give each other massages and the prize was like candy, a piece of candy. Like one minute was a one piece of candy and give each other like these back massages. And it was like, and then one time I remember we put our dicks into like a bottle, we like shared a bottle.

• 38:27Theo Von?

  How, what, how big of a bottle are we saying?

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Now, I wish I could say nasty with the big one. It was a little, it was, you know.

• 38:34Theo Von?

  Oh, wow.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, so we were like exploring.

• 38:37Theo Von?

  But how did you put them both into the top of the bottle?

• 38:39Speaker 01

  No, not the same thing. It's like we.

• 38:40Theo Von?

  Oh, separate bottles?

• 38:42Speaker 01

  No, same bottle, but we shared it.

• 38:44Theo Von?

  Oh, one person, then the other?

• 38:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:45Theo Von?

  Oh, interesting.

• 38:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, very interesting. And then one time we were giving each other these back massages. I had my shirt off, I was on the floor and my friend was giving this back massage. And then we're gonna fuck the bottle, you know? It's like a regular Tuesday and, uh, like.

• 38:58Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, this first of all, this is also the Estonia Olympics.

• 39:01Speaker 01

  Like a secu- and then a security guy or a construction worker, somebody walked in, you know what he did? He just ran out. Cause I get it from his perspective, he can't go to his boss and be like, I saw these two boys. It was me and two boys in a trailer.

• 39:14Theo Von?

  He's getting fired.

• 39:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he just ran off.

• 39:17Theo Von?

  Well, now that you shared it, I'll say something. So, um, yeah, there was like a thing where like, um, I mean, I remember a couple of things, I guess.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  Cause I never had a father, so I guess like.

• 39:30Theo Von?

  Right. Nobody ever taught me about sex or anything. So I think.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  My stepdad tried to talk to me about sex. He was literally showing me videos on like a laptop. It was like an erotic movie where you don't see penetration, but you see it from the shadow. I was seventeen years old. I was like, you think that's cool? Let me, I showed him. Have you seen Mr. Horse? My stepdad was like, yo, this is out there? I was like, yeah.

• 39:53Speaker 01

  Dude, so yeah, my sex talk was so late. So it was just me and the fucking trailer at nine years old, trying to figure out, what are all these emotions?

• 40:01Theo Von?

  Oh dude, I remember one time, yeah, like my buddy and I, who was over at my birthday party or whatever. And he was like, you had your birthday party and then like two friends got to stay overnight, right? So there was the, everybody came to the party and you had to pretend like everybody was leaving, but then two friends got to stay overnight for your birthday. And one friend was like a little bit older and he was kinda thick, this little kinda thick kid. And he was like, all right, let's all take our shirts off and then let's like, and then he, he told, he said like, you could read each other's ribs, like, you know, your ribs, like they had like, it was almost like hieroglyphics. Like if you rub your hand along the other person's ribs, you could get like a message out of it. Does that make, almost like, you know, those bumps that they do for people that are?

• 40:43Speaker 01

  Fucked up? Yeah. Braille. Braille.

• 40:46Theo Von?

  Braille. So he said, your body holds braille in it. And if you put your hands like along somebody's ribs, you can, you'll get a message, right?

• 40:55Speaker 01

  I got a real hard braille for you right now.

• 40:59Speaker 01

  You can read this when you're blind, deaf and mute, dude. I got a, I got a good braille for you down here, dude.

• 41:07Theo Von?

  So we had us, bro, so we had us like, there was like three of us under this like blanket or something and we're all just sitting there, we didn't have our shirts on and we're just like all trying to read each other's ribs, dude, you know? And then like whoever seemed like the kind of gayest kid would like get a message or something. Or it was just like, but this one kid was kind of facilitating it and he probably seen something erotic or he'd had like different thoughts or something.

• 41:30Speaker 01

  Cause your, cause your synapses are firing of pleasure and reproductive and testosterone. But you, it's a lot of information, but you can't translate it.

• 41:39Theo Von?

  Right.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  Like, I remember when I was like seven years or something old, it was a Christmas party.

• 41:46Theo Von?

  Oh, do tell.

• 41:47Speaker 01

  It was a Christmas party.

• 41:48Theo Von?

  Fair, fair play lad.

• 41:49Speaker 01

  And my.

• 41:50Theo Von?

  And was it snowing out?

• 41:51Speaker 01

  Lots of snow.

• 41:53Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 41:54Speaker 01

  So we need to be here tucked in.

• 41:56Theo Von?

  Yes, sir.

• 41:57Speaker 01

  And I remember there was this.

• 41:59Theo Von?

  Yes, we do, sir.

• 42:00Speaker 01

  Yes, we do. And there was this cousin, she was like in her thirties maybe, ginormous titties. I didn't know that titties are the secret to life, but I know that something is there, you know? It's like there's sexuality is already, it's, you just don't know what to do with information. Something about these titties are making me feel in a way and I don't know, you don't, it's not, it's like innocent, it's not like I have an iPad to Google. It's just this mystery feeling and I would sit in her lap and I would put my head, like my back of my neck between my cousin's titties and I would like squeeze them and I would feel.

• 42:40Theo Von?

  Oh, just feel the pressure of two tits against the back of your head?

• 42:42Speaker 01

  It just feels amazing.

• 42:43Theo Von?

  It's good.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  And all my cousins are laughing, cause they know, girls know. So it's funny to them.

• 42:50Theo Von?

  Right. They see this kid just.

• 42:52Speaker 01

  I know, this little per, this little horn dog.

• 42:54Theo Von?

  Right, it's just a horn dog. You're just this, it's almost like a, an electrical wire on the street that's just rattling.

• 42:58Speaker 01

  And I noticed, the more I bring her this, she was drinking this red liquid, it was wine, and the more I would bring the wine, the more titty access I could get.

• 43:07Theo Von?

  Ooh, do tell.

• 43:08Speaker 01

  Cause she got a little crazier and crazier and they started laughing more and I kept going to the kitchen, little Bill Cosby, little Bill Cosby Jr., I was putting the juice and I kept bringing her.

• 43:19Theo Von?

  Yeah, more wine, my dear.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  And you know what's crazy?

• 43:24Speaker 01

  She gets so fucked up. She like takes a nap on the couch.

• 43:30Theo Von?

  Okay, do you wanna stop this story here?

• 43:32Speaker 01

  No, no, no, this gets good. And I really wanna squeeze the titties. But in my seven year old brain, something said no.

• 43:41Theo Von?

  Right.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  Something said no.

• 43:43Theo Von?

  Right, the titties are closed.

• 43:44Speaker 01

  And I felt bad about it, like that I even thought of it. So I went in my room and I felt bad.

• 43:49Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 43:50Speaker 01

  That's how I know I can never rape.

• 43:52Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 43:52Speaker 01

  Even as a seven year old boy, there's something in your body that goes, this, now that she's sleeping, this is weird.

• 43:58Theo Von?

  Right. Right, if two people are playing the game.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 44:01Theo Von?

  Then we can have the game.

• 44:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:04Theo Von?

  Wow dude, yeah, let me think, oh.

• 44:05Speaker 01

  And then it takes so many, you know, and after that it takes so many years for even to find out about sex, pussy and all that.

• 44:12Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 44:13Speaker 01

  But it's funny when you're a little pervert boy and you're just all these emotions and all these, you don't know what to do with them.

• 44:18Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, well, we had this one fellow boss named Roy, I think his name was, or he said it was. And he would like, he used a hairdryer or whatever, so he was kind of, he was leaning towards being gay.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  Uh huh, uh huh.

• 44:32Theo Von?

  And, cause children didn't use hairdryers. We just didn't even know about it, and he knew about it, he would always have his with him. If you were even just hanging out with him in a room, he'd fucking plug it in.

• 44:40Speaker 01

  My mom would say, he's like a kid who loves a sunny day.

• 44:42Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 44:46Theo Von?

  But one time he did get, I remember he got, uh,

• 44:52Theo Von?

  he's like, dude, if you take a piece, like a piece of tape, right? And you put one piece on the end, the top of your weener, like tape it to the top of your weener, and you put the other piece of the tape on the top of his weener.

• 45:03Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 45:04Theo Von?

  And I remember him like getting us to do stuff like that and stuff, or like, play Navy or whatever, like just different shit that was just in hindsight.

• 45:13Speaker 01

  In hindsight.

• 45:14Theo Von?

  Cause then you're just standing there and now there's like this little bridge, you don't realize it's a bridge.

• 45:18Speaker 01

  It's a bridge.

• 45:19Theo Von?

  You don't realize that though.

• 45:20Speaker 01

  It's a bridge.

• 45:21Theo Von?

  Right, cuz you think, oh, it's just some tape on my wiener, some tape on their wiener.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  It's like a Ouija board, like it, we're opening up the spirits.

• 45:27Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  It's a portal.

• 45:28Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's a portal, dude.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  It's a portal.

• 45:31Theo Von?

  So I think there's stuff like that when kids are young and they don't know. Um, one time I found my buddy's kids, I just walked, I was like, I'd live with this family, they're, they're pretty much like family to me. I'd walked in and two of the young kids are in the bed naked together.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:44Theo Von?

  But I think it's just kids, like they don't know what to do. My friend Scott would come over and we would like, go on a date with our pillows, like in the room or whatever, and uh, just like shit like that.

• 45:56Speaker 01

  My mom like had boyfriends. I, I, I do think that, uh, being open to your children about sexuality, I don't, I think at these times, especially with the internet, all this keeping it innocent is actually worse than keeping, you know, some, sometimes kids get really traumatized, if, if the parents make it really traumatic, because if you do something like explore your body or some, some of this weird shit, and you know, your dad walks in and starts yelling and beating the shit out of everybody, that's actually really bad. It's like, it's hard to raise, like, okay, like, I, I have a friend, he's, uh, he's got a beautiful daughter, and, uh, and I had to babysit for this little girl.

• 46:36Speaker 01

  Um, she was like maybe six or seven, first time in my life I've ever been together with a, with a small girl, and I got so nervous immediately, you know, because it's like, it's not even my daughter, it's my friend's daughter, they go to, they went to the city to do something, and I've already hung out with her, so.

• 46:53Theo Von?

  Right, but when you're the, oh dude, I, first time I'd watch my niece, I was like, what the heck?

• 46:58Speaker 01

  I never thought about that, it's actually, I can't leave you alone cuz I'll be downstairs watching TV and you're up there fucking jumping off a balcony, and now I gotta explain to my friend, you know, so, so I'm nervous, you know, so she, and then, the mother starts telling me all these things she can't do, no peanuts, she, literally, she's gonna explode into a, and then I gotta think about, wait, what has peanuts in them? Does it snickers, oh, snickers, oh, I got snickers, I gotta, now I'm starting.

• 47:22Theo Von?

  Right, now you're hiding stuff or covering things up, taping down a Snickers.

• 47:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, then I'm like, oh, where's a loose knife? I start baby-proofing the place, basically, you know?

• 47:32Theo Von?

  And you happen to bring four loose knives, which was crazy.

• 47:34Speaker 01

  Exactly, I had, yeah, no, I guess I gotta hide the knives, I guess we're not doing throwing knives. So then she goes, no peanuts, ba ba ba ba ba. Oh, and then she goes, no watching, uh, what's that series that girls love? Uh, D- D- Degrassi, Degrassi?

• 47:47Theo Von?

  Degrassi High?

• 47:48Speaker 01

  Degr- yeah.

• 47:50Theo Von?

  That show is now on, it's on, it's on in Estonia?

• 47:52Speaker 01

  Well, that time it was.

• 47:54Theo Von?

  Oh, wow. Bring up Degrassi, dude. Is this the original?

• 47:59Speaker 01

  It's the original, it's the original.

• 47:59Theo Von?

  Wow, bro, I forgot about this.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  And people, and little girls love this shit, but it's got a lot of like sexual stuff in it. It's a certain age where you're ready for this show.

• 48:08Theo Von?

  Got it.

• 48:09Speaker 01

  She was not ready, so the mom tells you, no Degrassi, you know, you can watch Frozen, you know, and then she goes, no, no candy because her sugar, because it's like late at night and when we're picking her up, we need to put her to bed. If you give her sugar now, it's all, you're fucking us.

• 48:22Theo Von?

  Right.

• 48:23Speaker 01

  All these rules, ba ba. And then they go, oh, and watch out that she's, she likes to climb stuff. They noticed that in my, uh, in my apartment, I had a, I had a, uh, the, the staircase that goes up like this, you know, what, uh, s- not circle.

• 48:37Theo Von?

  Like a winding staircase?

• 48:38Speaker 01

  Winding staircase, and it's got the railing.

• 48:41Theo Von?

  Like in Castlevania or Transylvania?

• 48:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm a vampire. And, and, uh, they go, oh, uh, don't let her ride the railing. It's like, you know, don't, don't let, don't, don't let her climb it, you know, they already see the danger, you know? So they're giving me this, ba ba, don't do, no jelly beans, no fucking Degrassi, no, uh, peanuts, no, uh, fuck. Jeez, this is way more than I expected. And they leave.

• 49:04Theo Von?

  Takes the fun out of it, too.

• 49:05Speaker 01

  I know.

• 49:05Theo Von?

  Part of the fun of watching someone's kid is seeing what happens if you don't know what's going on.

• 49:10Speaker 01

  And then me and this, uh, me and this angel, we're like hanging out on the couch. I mean, we're watching Frozen, she's already seen it, I've seen it. And then like an hour in, I'm like, eh, I wanna be the cool uncle. Jelly Bean City, I got the jelly bean, I fuck it.

• 49:25Theo Von?

  Right. Or you smoke on the porch, let her watch you through the glass, that kinda shit.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. I get jelly beans up in this bitch, I put the grassy on, she's jumping up and down, we're watching the grass, she's running around, having fun. Let's go! And I'm like, and I, and I tell her, I make her pinky swear, don't tell nothing. You don't say nothing. And she's like, okay. And we run around Jelly Bean City, the grass is on full blast. We're listening to fucking, what's that, Glorilla?

• 49:51Theo Von?

  Be a young boy, yeah.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  We're listening to crazy shit.

• 49:53Theo Von?

  I'm a nine baby, when you got it, I don't, yeah.

• 49:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. And then she goes, that's right, on the railing. And I'm like, fuck your parents. We're taking a ride! So I go first. I come down, fast. She's like, oh my god, it's my turn, my turn. I'm like, okay, she gets up there. And I'm at the bottom and, cause it's, I'm trying to see where she can fall off.

• 50:19Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's called risk management.

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Risk management. We got jelly beans, we got the grassy, we're riding rails.

• 50:24Theo Von?

  Oh yeah.

• 50:25Speaker 01

  And she comes down, slow, butt first. She looks back at me, and the face she has, she, she makes like a,

• 50:39Speaker 01

  I realize. I can see it.

• 50:43Theo Von?

  I don't think so.

• 50:44Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 50:45Theo Von?

  You think so?

• 50:46Speaker 01

  So I catch this little horn dog, and she wants to go again. She keeps getting slower and slower.

• 50:51Theo Von?

  And you're putting her back up there? You got, I mean, what are you doing?

• 50:55Speaker 01

  She wants to go again!

• 50:56Theo Von?

  Well, you're the fucking manager of the place!

• 50:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, but eh, it's hard to be like, no!

• 51:05Speaker 01

  You know?

• 51:05Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, you're right.

• 51:06Speaker 01

  So she goes, maybe two, three more rides, right?

• 51:09Theo Von?

  Oh my god, bro, you gotta chill, dude.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  I mean, like you're saying, I'm, I'm not sure if this is what it's about, but I do know children are little horn dogs, you know?

• 51:21Theo Von?

  Well, I think there's a lot of, bring it, bring this up actually, what, what, like, when does hormones start to affect the way that children act and behave? Oh, dude, I remember when I was a kid now, and yeah, sorry if I made you feel, I, I shouldn't have been making you feel weird.

• 51:33Speaker 01

  No, no, no.

• 51:34Theo Von?

  I wasn't trying to make you feel weird, I think I just got scared, I didn't know where.

• 51:36Speaker 01

  You know, there's more to the story.

• 51:38Theo Von?

  Oh, there is?

• 51:39Speaker 01

  So.

• 51:39Theo Von?

  Should we have more?

• 51:40Speaker 01

  We ride, we, she rides, she rides, we fun, we fun, we fun, Jelly Bean, Jelly Bean City, the grassy, the grassy, the grassy. So then the parents get back. This bitch blows it in meters. She goes, we had jelly beans. I wrote the line. We watched the grass. It was so much fun. And they're, you know, my friend and then my, uh, oh, my friend stays over. We have a little beer. We haven't seen each other in a long time. And the mom takes the kid home and it's this awkward moment between me and my friend. He goes, cause they have a, they have that staircase too. And he looks at me, goes, that staircase didn't she? I go, yeah. He goes, yeah, that's a mom conversation. But see, then we talked about it. You also as a parent, you have to be cool about this.

• 52:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 52:20Speaker 01

  You know, like you can't, we don't have a little girl like that. You can't be like, never, never touched the flower. Then it's gonna be, then she's gonna be banging prisoners when she's 20 years old. Cause she's like, oh, daddy said no flower touching.

• 52:33Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm open up a florist down there by the correctional center or whatever. Yeah.

• 52:36Speaker 01

  Florist center. It's a fucking forest down here now.

• 52:39Theo Von?

  God.

• 52:40Speaker 01

  So with kids, you know, it's always there's a tender point, but that's pro, that's totally a mom to daughter conversation, of course.

• 52:47Theo Von?

  But it is interesting how you learn about sex, right? And what happens to you. This says puberty actually starts between age eight and 13 in girls and nine and 14 in boys. If it starts before age eight in girls, before age nine in boys, doctors often consider it early and worth checking out. But is it puberty that's starting or is it, um, because it is, I remember probably, I, maybe I was about seven or eight and, uh, and I remember like just pressing things against my crotch. Like even if I would just was like pressing these against my crotch felt good. So I'd find, like, even if you were just walking by something and like, you ever see a tree that has like one of those kind of butt, like a little butt sticking out?

• 53:27Speaker 01

  I've dated a few.

• 53:31Theo Von?

  Yeah. So you've been to that forest before is what you're telling us. But what I'm saying is this, I remember as a kid, like, sometimes my dad and I would go walk to church and I would just walk, like we'd, we'd walk by this one tree. And I remember, um, I remember him telling me at, at, at some point at one age or something, I just would walk over and just press my crotch against it like.

• 53:50Speaker 01

  All I did as a kid was lay on the floor flat and just shove my little willy into the floor just to make it stimulate. Then I had a pink panther. Remember detective pink panther?

• 54:00Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  I had that as a toy, like a soft toy and I would just like. Fuck this Pink Panther. So much that even under my like, under my like foreskin, I had pink hairs. I would fuck the shit out of this fuck.

• 54:12Theo Von?

  Oh god.

• 54:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, we would solve some crimes and then you know what the award is? You solved another crime Panther. Oh, that and that's the exact toy. See, it's got a little pussy, it's got everything.

• 54:23Theo Von?

  It doesn't have a pussy, Ari. That's just its body.

• 54:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, but your imagination can add.

• 54:27Theo Von?

  What? It doesn't. No, you cannot.

• 54:29Speaker 01

  And I would, I would fuck it so much. I still have it in my podcast studio in Estonia. It's like a story that I told in my old podcast in Estonia. And between the crotch, all the hairs are like gone now. Cause I just, cause I just, and she was a little whore, wasn't she?

• 54:41Theo Von?

  It's a man.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  She was a little whore, wasn't she? I would come home from school, I'd put metallic on and just rail my Pink Panther. Every case got solved that night.

• 54:55Theo Von?

  What if you listen to that song, Alice in Chains, Down and Out?

• 54:58Speaker 01

  Pink Panther is a male. Well, you know, it's.

• 55:00Theo Von?

  Thank you. Would you, let's say, say that one more time.

• 55:02Speaker 01

  You know who else I?

• 55:03Theo Von?

  For the people in the back, the, say it. You gotta hear yourself say it.

• 55:07Speaker 01

  Gender is a spectrum.

• 55:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, but let's, let's see what it says here. Perplexity, help us out. Can you use perplexity? Let's get this real quick.

• 55:16Speaker 01

  See, see, see, see, see, see, generally portrayed.

• 55:19Theo Von?

  Let's, can you, would you mind reading it for us? All right.

• 55:21Speaker 01

  Non-gendered.

• 55:23Theo Von?

  The cartoon Pink Panther is generally portrayed as male.

• 55:27Speaker 01

  How did they put male as bold? Just to fuck with me. They're like, hey, bro.

• 55:32Theo Von?

  They did.

• 55:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was bang, bang this toy, ba, ba, ba, ba. It was like, you know.

• 55:39Theo Von?

  Were you banging them or do you think you were just rubbing, right?

• 55:43Speaker 01

  But, but between the legs, so I already knew enough. I already knew enough. That's where I gotta put it, you know?

• 55:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 55:50Speaker 01

  I had fun with this dirty slut, dude.

• 55:52Theo Von?

  Dude, that's not a dirty slut, dude.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  Nah, she was my little slut, dude.

• 55:55Theo Von?

  It was, that was Pink Panther. That's Heathcliff or that's, these are good people. These are Snoopy. These are good people.

• 56:00Speaker 01

  And then, and then I, I even fucked this whore when I even got like a little girl, not like a girlfriend, you know, like you get, get like a kiss. So I had like breakup sex. Like once every two weeks, I still fucked the shit out of my fucking Pink Panther. And then went back to my little girlfriend next door.

• 56:15Theo Von?

  Yeah. You're running shit, huh?

• 56:18Speaker 01

  I'll run that shit. She was a little slut, dude.

• 56:21Theo Von?

  Dear God.

• 56:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:23Theo Von?

  No, I just didn't know that kind of stuff's going on in the third world or whatever.

• 56:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:27Theo Von?

  We take for granted here that, that animals and like different things like, um, like Matti or these different companies, bring up some different Matti animals from like the eighties and nineties.

• 56:39Speaker 01

  Matti?

• 56:40Theo Von?

  This was the company that made a lot of these stuffed animals. And I think we take it, we take for granted here in the, in the United States that these animals get treated well, right? They get, you know, people.

• 56:50Speaker 01

  I treated her real well.

• 56:51Theo Von?

  Like poples, like you ever see poples?

• 56:53Speaker 01

  Never.

• 56:53Theo Von?

  Okay, but okay, well, inspector.

• 56:55Speaker 01

  I had a potato.

• 56:58Theo Von?

  Okay, yeah, some people.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  We had a long winter communism and a potato.

• 57:03Theo Von?

  But here's what I'm saying. But I think we take for granted in America that stuffed animals here get like, they'll tuck them in the bed and they'll like, treat them well or get them a little glass of water.

• 57:13Speaker 01

  This bitch well at all.

• 57:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 57:15Speaker 01

  This bitch got ran through, dude. She was a dirty little.

• 57:19Theo Von?

  He was a man.

• 57:20Speaker 01

  He was a dirty little.

• 57:21Theo Von?

  He was a male cat.

• 57:22Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no.

• 57:23Theo Von?

  Dude, he was a male cat with pink skin. He was obviously going through a lot.

• 57:27Speaker 01

  Mm hmm, mm hmm. And then, um.

• 57:30Theo Von?

  And then what?

• 57:31Speaker 01

  Like, maybe like 10 years ago, when I, when me and my girlfriend were chilling at my place, we did a little role play and she dressed as the, because she didn't know the story from my old podcast, so.

• 57:41Theo Von?

  Oh, and for your birthday or something, she did it?

• 57:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, she dressed as the pink pants.

• 57:44Theo Von?

  Oh, that's pretty.

• 57:45Speaker 01

  And I was the detective, Clazor, Detective Clazor, I can't remember his name. And I was like, da da.

• 57:54Speaker 01

  You're sucking my cock.

• 57:58Theo Von?

  Oh, it's great to see you having a good time in our country. You ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9 a.m. and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon. And then I eat it, or you eat it, or somebody eats it. And then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for. Dinner. And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. The powder starts at less than $3 per meal, has 40 grams of protein, and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. I like Huell's shakes because they're clean and it's quick.

• 58:43Theo Von?

  Sometimes I just want to make sure I have everything I need to keep going the way I want to keep going in a healthy manner. So with Huell, basically, lunch went from a daily logistical problem to a thing I can solve in about 30 seconds. Make healthy eating simple. New customers get an exclusive offer of 15% off online with my code WEEKEND at huell.com/weekend. That's H-U-E-L dot com slash weekend. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting our show. When your uncle pulled up with a fresh raccoon to Thanksgiving, and nobody questioned him, that's a power move right there.

• 59:28Theo Von?

  When your mom's friend stayed over just one night and now lives there and drinks up all your whole milk and wears your frickin' pants sometimes,

• 59:40Theo Von?

  that's also a power move. Just like how hiring Morgan and Morgan is a power move. Morgan and Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. Yep, yep. They have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 1,000 lawyers. With over $30 billion recovered for over 500,000 clients, Morgan and Morgan has a proven track record, PTR, baby, proven track record, of fighting to get you full and fair compensation. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan and Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. Yep. For more information, go to forthepeople.com/theo

• 1:00:24Theo Von?

  or dial pound law. That's pound 529 from your cell phone. That's F-O-R-thepeople.com/theo or pound law, pound 529. This is a paid advertisement. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

• 1:00:44Theo Von?

  BetterHelp, baby. Life, God, life's a journey. It's a dang Oregon Trail, isn't it? One day you got somebody's cough and somebody's got a hematoma or whatever. Somebody lost, you know, uh, lost all their money or something, threw it in a wishing well. Somebody's kids left them or something, you know, somebody, life.

• 1:01:08Theo Von?

  Some days feel good, some days feel overwhelming. Some days feel good. Some days you're standing in your yard and a balloon floats over to you. And that's good. You know, some days you're sitting in your car at night, hiding from your family and somebody come over and give you a little cut of casserole for no reason. That's God.

• 1:01:30Theo Von?

  Look, I'm talking about BetterHelp, guys. Whatever's keeping you up at night, it's easy to feel like you have to figure it all out on your own. And let me tell you, that is not the truth. Mental Health Awareness Month, it's on and popping. It's a good opportunity to check in with yourself, see where you're at. Be honest, too. How am I doing? BetterHelp, they're here, they can help. BetterHelp, online therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and they're fully licensed in the US. They do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. That's what they do. What I'm saying is, you don't have to be on this journey alone. Nope. Find support and have someone with you in therapy.

• 1:02:11Theo Von?

  Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/theo. That's better H E L P dot com slash Theo. Uh, take me into Estonia a little bit, though. Like, just like, well, let's talk about this, like, because we're talking about sex and being young. And so you're, you're saying that, like, what is a conversation really? Like, what is the real conversation you would have with the kid? Like, how do you really do that with a kid? You think, because obviously you and I grew up in a way where, like, we were figuring it out ourselves. Like, for me, I, I realize now, like, I don't like talking about a lot of sexual stuff with my friends even. Cause to me like sex was always like a secret thing like.

• 1:02:51Speaker 01

  Like a private thing.

• 1:02:51Theo Von?

  Yes, and it was secret. I had to sneak and find the magazines and I had to do it in secret. So like, so my whole life I've always felt like, like it's, like it's not like scary, but it's like a secretive thing. It's like very like, it's super secretive.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  That's good or no?

• 1:03:05Theo Von?

  I don't think that it's good.

• 1:03:06Speaker 01

  I don't think it's good either. Like my household, I had a single mother. We had a stepdad at one point, but my mom had a lot of boyfriends. She would be, uh, you know, in Estonia, we have sauna culture. So everyone's naked. Everyone's naked.

• 1:03:18Theo Von?

  Well, you have what culture?

• 1:03:19Speaker 01

  Sauna culture.

• 1:03:20Theo Von?

  Sauna, sauna. Okay, saunas, yeah.

• 1:03:22Speaker 01

  Like even as a little kid, I, I, like even as a little kid, I would sit, you know, a sauna, it's got the la, you know, the steps?

• 1:03:28Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 1:03:28Speaker 01

  It's hotter up there. It's, so kids would always be in, in, sitting in front of the feet of the adults.

• 1:03:34Theo Von?

  Got it.

• 1:03:34Speaker 01

  And even my, my mom's girlfriends would come over and I would be in the sauna with the ladies. I would sit in front and **** is like so far from my face.

• 1:03:42Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:03:43Speaker 01

  Like as a kid, I would look back, I'd laugh at it. They would laugh at it.

• 1:03:45Theo Von?

  Very close, a casual distance.

• 1:03:47Speaker 01

  Yes, and it's like, and it's, uh, so being naked and sexuality, in my family at least, this is not the case for all Estonian families. But we also don't have any Christian guilt or none of that. You know, it's like a communistic thing which has Christian values to some extent. Some homophobia and some chauvinism, all that, you know, that, that comes with it.

• 1:04:08Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:09Speaker 01

  But sexually wise, sin is not like included in it, you know? So there's no guilt really feeling sexual things. And in my house, yeah, my, my mom would have boyfriends. I would hear them have sex. And my mom would be like, mommy needs her own little time. So you go hang out with the sister. I know that that means like, I didn't know what sex was, but I know it's like that little grown up thing.

• 1:04:29Theo Von?

  Right. So, so you knew there was something grown up going on. So it did feel adult, but it didn't feel wrong.

• 1:04:34Speaker 01

  And then, you know, I would have like, even when I was like 14, 15, I started having little girlfriends over. My mom would like literally, dude, when I was like 15, my mom, this, this girl was like very shy. And we were watching Ice Age in my room. And then my mom would bring us cinnamon rolls. And then when she didn't look, my mom would give me like two condoms. Just in case, we didn't even fuck, I was like fully virgin.

• 1:05:00Theo Von?

  But she wanted you to just feel okay about it.

• 1:05:02Speaker 01

  She wanted me to feel okay, and I think that was very healthy. Like, looking at other people my age who I've met, and I talk about their childhood, about their sexuality.

• 1:05:13Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 1:05:13Speaker 01

  It seems like sex, exactly like you said, it's a thing in the shadows. And I think when you're a young, like, especially a young-

• 1:05:20Theo Von?

  Entrepreneur or whatever, young man, sorry.

• 1:05:21Speaker 01

  Young boy, I think it's really bad to hide those things and make you feel bad about having certain emotions that you can't really control.

• 1:05:28Theo Von?

  That's a good point, yes, some of you, that's the thing, is that you can't control it. So it's like, then it makes you feel ashamed of part of you that you have scientifically, there is no way you can control, and you sh-

• 1:05:39Speaker 01

  And then what happens? Then you're forty and you're in a dungeon with, "Ohhh!" With like a drill in your ass.

• 1:05:46Theo Von?

  Well, that's crazy.

• 1:05:47Speaker 01

  "'Cause I gotta let go, 'cause mommy said I'm a bad boy." That's what happens.

• 1:05:53Theo Von?

  Is it really?

• 1:05:54Speaker 01

  I was, I mean, I guess.

• 1:05:55Theo Von?

  I don't know, dude.

• 1:05:56Speaker 01

  I was a good boy and I'm not gonna have a drill up my ass. I'm gonna treat a girl nice and then we're gonna have sex.

• 1:06:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:02Speaker 01

  Like, two adults.

• 1:06:04Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think this is a very, this is definitely a good time to learn about some of this because, um, yeah.

• 1:06:10Speaker 01

  And now with porn, I mean, wow.

• 1:06:12Theo Von?

  Well, let me think about some of this, let me think for a second. Dude, because I like talking about this and stuff, because it's also important. Like, a lot of people don't have some of these conversations, right? And they don't think about it. And parents don't know, because, like, I think it's interesting, your mother would make you the cinnamon roll, so here's something, it's like, you know, you're a good boy, you get the dessert, and I, you know, I care about you, there's something, a mother making a treat, giving you an offering, but also here is something I wanna let you know that I understand what's going on here, and that if there's something that, that I want you to be, um, safe, no matter what. So then it's like, that's what a mother always wants for her child, is the child to always to be safe. But I think like the presentation to that is pretty interesting. What do you think, like, what do you really think? Because you know, there are some Native American tribes where an uncle,

• 1:06:57Theo Von?

  or even a father or brother will teach this younger sibling about masturbation. Will literally go out with him into the woods and teach him how to jerk off.

• 1:07:06Speaker 01

  It's like my stepdad. I was already seventeen and he's like, he's like saying like, when it gets hard, you know, you can watch videos and play around with it. That's okay. I'm like, okay, dude, stick a finger up your ass. I'll show you what's a good time.

• 1:07:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:20Speaker 01

  It's already too late, you know?

• 1:07:21Theo Von?

  Yeah, I got, I got two toothbrushes hidden up my ass, brother. You know what I'm saying? We're partying, dude.

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  Click this remote and see how I feel. I got a thing up my ass that makes me go, oh, yazu.

• 1:07:33Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, click this remote and I'll run a fucking five two forty, brother.

• 1:07:38Speaker 01

  Click this remote.

• 1:07:40Theo Von?

  Bro, that would be a great game show. You have seven people somewhere, right? In a, in like a quiet area, right? And one of them, and you have to be like forty feet away, one of them has some sort of, um, remote activated sexual apparatus hidden in their, um, butt.

• 1:08:00Speaker 01

  The holy hole.

• 1:08:01Theo Von?

  Yeah. The butt or whatever, the eleventh fingerprint, some people call it, right? And, uh, so, but you don't know who it is. You only get to press it three times.

• 1:08:11Speaker 01

  The offshore account, as we call it.

• 1:08:13Theo Von?

  Yeah, the offshore account.

• 1:08:16Speaker 01

  Like when you're a Christian, you can't fuck the holy hole, but you can do the offshore account.

• 1:08:19Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, or, yeah.

• 1:08:21Speaker 01

  The IRS don't know about this one, do they?

• 1:08:24Theo Von?

  Talking about where, well, let's just say where people do Malaysian banking, right? That's, that's what we'll call it. So, uh,

• 1:08:33Theo Von?

  so anyway, um, but that's the game show. You have seven people and you just get to look on their faces or whatever, or you can ask them a question and while they're answering, you could buzz. But if you don't have the right person at the right time, then you're going to get the wrong person answering.

• 1:08:46Speaker 01

  When you see a lot of people in a pool and you see that one guy pissing, it's so clear, you know, this one guy.

• 1:08:49Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Is that okay to pee in a pool in your country? Is it normal here? It's, and it's very similar.

• 1:08:56Speaker 01

  Every time I'm in water, I pee.

• 1:08:57Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:57Speaker 01

  It feels so good.

• 1:08:58Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:59Speaker 01

  It feels holy.

• 1:09:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:03Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think getting that out early, it must be tough for a parent than, here's why I think it's tough, I bet. And I don't know, I'm not a parent, but I bet it is, you just don't wanna see your kid grow up that fast.

• 1:09:13Speaker 01

  One hundred, nobody likes to see that.

• 1:09:15Theo Von?

  And it's probably such a special age where your kid isn't like, and it is, it's a special age for young people too, it's like, dude, that's like the best years probably where your, like you, your dad has like a new best friend, you guys do cool stuff together, you're like, he's your hero, and then somebody shows him some cooter or something. Or draws a picture of, of, of some pussy on a piece of, you know, on a, on the inside of a big, um, oyster shell or something. And shows it to the boy, and then everything changes.

• 1:09:40Speaker 01

  Everything changes, everything becomes about that.

• 1:09:42Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 1:09:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, but.

• 1:09:44Theo Von?

  So it must be tough for a daddy, like, maybe, I'm just thinking of why.

• 1:09:48Speaker 01

  And then looking at my friend with his daughter, you know, it's, that's even tougher, because I think.

• 1:09:53Theo Von?

  Oh, it's your angel.

• 1:09:54Speaker 01

  It's your angel, cuz I think with boys, it's more expected, like even with my mother, me being sexual, very accepted, my sister was a bit older, and she was very protective of her. You know, mothers always love their sons, dads always love their daughter, it's like a thing, you know, they always say, it's like a thing, mothers always are very tough on their daughters, because they're a, they're a woman, and they know how tough it is to be a woman, and you gotta toughen these bitches up for the real world.

• 1:10:21Theo Von?

  Oh, you gotta, nobody touches your fucking flower, you know?

• 1:10:24Speaker 01

  But as a boy.

• 1:10:25Theo Von?

  You gotta fortify these bitches.

• 1:10:27Speaker 01

  But as a boy, fertilize the ground, you know, have fun. So it's like, so that's another thing with like girls, like, I remember that, I remember, I literally remember, even my, like me being a little kid and like, having girlfriends, and my, my mom would be like, that's, that's cool, you know, my boy is cool. Like, my boy's having a little girlfriend, he's the hot guy at school, he's the funny guy, that's cool. But if my sister would date, that's like a, oof, like a girl, so.

• 1:10:53Theo Von?

  Right. Yeah, it is, it's a total different energy, it's a total different energy, man. Yeah, I remember they had a gal who would like, kinda rub Kleenexes on her, like, in her underpants, whatever, and then throw them off the balcony, and let us grab them and catch them and stuff.

• 1:11:05Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:11:06Theo Von?

  Almost like catching the bouquet at a wedding or something.

• 1:11:07Speaker 01

  Wow, the Kleenex with the, with the juices?

• 1:11:10Theo Von?

  It, it wasn't juices, but it was like, it had enough of an ambiance where you want, like, I remember putting on cleats one time to catch it, you know?

• 1:11:17Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:11:18Theo Von?

  So, yeah, or like, you know, like activated sneakers, kind of, I don't know if you guys have cleats in your country or not.

• 1:11:22Speaker 01

  One time I had a, we do have cleats.

• 1:11:26Speaker 01

  One time, I, um, when I was a little boy, there was a, there was a, there was a, there was a girl that stayed over. She was like my mother's friend, old classmates' daughter, maybe? She was like maybe nineteen, I was like eleven or twelve or something like that. She stayed over one night. And the next day, I'm alone at home. And you know when you're alone as a boy at home, that's when the devil comes to visit, you know?

• 1:11:54Theo Von?

  Your crotch suddenly like shows up on the wall like a genie coming out of a lamp like, what are we gonna do today?

• 1:12:00Speaker 01

  Everything in my house needs to get fucked.

• 1:12:02Theo Von?

  Yeah. What'd you say?

• 1:12:03Speaker 01

  Everything in my house needs to get fucked. Like, I tried my cock everywhere, the couches, the pillows. So then I go up there.

• 1:12:10Theo Von?

  My god.

• 1:12:10Speaker 01

  And this nineteen year old, I think it's like the pheromones and her cologne were on the bed.

• 1:12:16Theo Von?

  She had cologne on? She sounds...

• 1:12:19Speaker 01

  Nineteen. I mean, I think so. I think it was cologne.

• 1:12:23Speaker 01

  Not cologne, what's, what's, uh, perfume.

• 1:12:25Theo Von?

  Oh, female perfume, sorry.

• 1:12:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, I didn't know it's, yeah. A smell, a really nice pleasant smell.

• 1:12:31Theo Von?

  Oh, god.

• 1:12:32Speaker 01

  I go into the bed, I put the covers on, I take the pillow she slept on, like forcing it on my face, I'm like jacking off.

• 1:12:43Theo Von?

  Dude, I remember, this is, I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. This is supposed to be an interview about it being from Estonia. But here we go, dude. But dude, I remember I would hide in my buddy's, at their house, I would hide, like, his mother was like this sweet, she was like, just like a good, or she just like, I don't know, but she was attractive too, and it was like, there was like, you know, there's that energy where you're attracted to your buddy, one of your buddy's mom, there's something, you keep going over to his house, you don't even like, you'll sleep.

• 1:13:09Speaker 01

  I don't even like the game you're playing.

• 1:13:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, dude, yeah. And I would, I would, instead of sleeping in the room with him, like, we would do like a foursome, I would go sleep like in the hall by her, like by their door and shit, like just weird shit.

• 1:13:20Speaker 01

  Weird shit.

• 1:13:21Theo Von?

  But still legal stuff.

• 1:13:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:23Theo Von?

  But I remember I'd get in the clothes hamper and just like, she had like, one of her bras was in there.

• 1:13:27Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:13:27Theo Von?

  And I don't know if it was still warm, but I thought it was.

• 1:13:30Speaker 01

  It was.

• 1:13:30Theo Von?

  And I would just smell it, like, put it close to my fucking, like, I just wanted to push it all the way into my nose forever.

• 1:13:37Speaker 01

  That's what I did with the pillow. I just wanted to fucking shove it down my DNA.

• 1:13:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, yeah. I wrote, I wrote a love letter to my friend's mother, by the way.

• 1:13:46Theo Von?

  No way, bro. You need to be.

• 1:13:49Speaker 01

  I got out of hand.

• 1:13:49Theo Von?

  You got it, yeah.

• 1:13:50Speaker 01

  It got really bad.

• 1:13:51Theo Von?

  And somebody should be watching you.

• 1:13:53Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:13:53Theo Von?

  Still to this day. That's a lot, dude. Did you give it to her?

• 1:13:57Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:13:57Theo Von?

  No.

• 1:13:58Speaker 01

  And she never addressed it.

• 1:14:01Theo Von?

  Cause it's so weird.

• 1:14:02Speaker 01

  But it wasn't anything.

• 1:14:03Theo Von?

  That's called unrequited love. Bring up unrequited love.

• 1:14:06Speaker 01

  It wasn't anything.

• 1:14:07Theo Von?

  I've read about this before. Hold on, I wanna say.

• 1:14:09Speaker 01

  What is unrequited?

• 1:14:11Theo Von?

  That's what I'm saying. I wanna help you get to the, just, not to the solution, like I have no. Unrequited love is one-sided romantic attraction where feelings are not reciprocated, often causing profound emotional distress, including loneliness, low self-esteem, and anxiety. It commonly stems from idealized fantasies, unreturned crushes, or unbalanced relationships, with roughly ninety-eight percent of people experiencing it. Wow.

• 1:14:34Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 1:14:34Theo Von?

  You're not alone.

• 1:14:35Speaker 01

  I'm not alone, dude.

• 1:14:36Theo Von?

  Well, how often does unrequited love lead to crime? Can you look that up? And then what were you gonna say?

• 1:14:41Speaker 01

  I, that's what I was also thinking.

• 1:14:43Theo Von?

  Unrequited love is a very common.

• 1:14:44Speaker 01

  Stalking, violence, and murder. Awesome.

• 1:14:46Theo Von?

  There you go, yep. There you go, right there. The actions can be severe, including stalking, violence, and murder.

• 1:14:52Speaker 01

  But I was a little boy, so she was stronger than me.

• 1:14:54Theo Von?

  But also three options: stalking, violence, and murder. It's not like it's just like, include murder.

• 1:14:59Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

• 1:15:01Theo Von?

  Cause stalking, it's wrong, but it's.

• 1:15:07Speaker 01

  Well, even the, the, the, the mother I wrote that letter to, when I was, when I was going, walking home, when I was going home from school, I would take a longer route just to go by her house.

• 1:15:21Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:15:21Speaker 01

  And maybe catch a titty. I never did, but I gave the universe a chance to give me a sign.

• 1:15:25Theo Von?

  Just to see something?

• 1:15:26Speaker 01

  Just to see some, cause that's, that's also like, I mean, we had porn, but this was, you gotta like, download a fucking image and it was hard. It wasn't like right there.

• 1:15:34Theo Von?

  You need to pray for it.

• 1:15:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, so to see a titty, I need a intervention by God.

• 1:15:39Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:15:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:41Theo Von?

  Oh, man.

• 1:15:42Speaker 01

  Then I found a magazine. You ever find like a magazine in the woods? You know, the classic when there's porn in the woods or something?

• 1:15:47Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 1:15:48Speaker 01

  It was during winter.

• 1:15:49Theo Von?

  Who hid it there, do you think?

• 1:15:50Speaker 01

  They always hide. I don't get it at all.

• 1:15:53Theo Von?

  Cause somebody had porn in every woods. I think it could have been Israel. I think if somebody hid it in every woods.

• 1:15:59Speaker 01

  It's Israel. It's like the paging, the pagers.

• 1:16:02Theo Von?

  It's the pages.

• 1:16:03Speaker 01

  You corrupt young men. You corrupt the future army or about to fight by showing them a huge horse cock going into a pregnant lady.

• 1:16:10Theo Von?

  Cause they all jerk off and then the army's weaker. It's not a bad strategy.

• 1:16:13Speaker 01

  Well, you know, that's what happened with Ukraine and Russia because, because Russia deployed a lot of North Korean soldiers. Uh, and now they're first time having internet access. You know, they're like not fighting. All they're doing is drinking and jacking off.

• 1:16:27Theo Von?

  Nuh uh.

• 1:16:27Speaker 01

  Yeah. Cause it's like, imagine you're seeing porn for the first time.

• 1:16:31Theo Von?

  I can jack off by myself. Wow.

• 1:16:34Speaker 01

  And.

• 1:16:35Theo Von?

  Let's bring, bring that up. What are you saying? Koreans are jacking off?

• 1:16:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, North Koreans, because they had no internet. Now they're deployed. It's like a huge thing.

• 1:16:43Theo Von?

  I mean, it's Pandora's box.

• 1:16:45Speaker 01

  And then I found this magazine and one time I found, it was during winter time. It was under ice because it was so frozen.

• 1:16:51Theo Von?

  It's almost like ice fishing. You ever been ice fishing?

• 1:16:52Speaker 01

  Yeah. And then I had to get a pick and to like, I, it took me hours with my hands freezing to access these titties.

• 1:17:00Theo Von?

  Oh, it's like the new Frankenstein with Jacob Elordi. Have you seen the beginning of that?

• 1:17:04Speaker 01

  Exactly. So clang, clang, I get a big block of ice under the magazine out. I put it in towels near my, uh, near my, uh, what's that on the wall?

• 1:17:14Theo Von?

  Radiator.

• 1:17:14Speaker 01

  Radiator, near the radiator. It took me like days for it to dry off. Water was everywhere. And then it dried off and I had to peel. I got only one page open because it was all fucked up. But it took me like, I was like a detective. It took me like days to see and it was all fucked up except these two big round titties. So I cut the titties out and kept them in my fucking Batman wallet for years. And I would show other guys at school. I'd be like, check out this. And I'd show these two ominous titties.

• 1:17:39Theo Von?

  I love that.

• 1:17:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:17:41Theo Von?

  Like wolves eyes.

• 1:17:42Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And the first porn video I ever saw, it was gay porn, I just didn't know.

• 1:17:47Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:17:48Speaker 01

  It was like so low pixels, I just saw cock going into an orifice. And then, like, it took me like minutes to realize there's another cock hanging near the orifice. It broke my heart. And the guy who was banging, doing that porn, he's an Estonian guy. I met him like twenty years later.

• 1:18:04Theo Von?

  No way, did you tell him it hurt your feelings?

• 1:18:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, I told, I really, I said, I thought you were banging a chick.

• 1:18:09Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:18:09Speaker 01

  And he goes, this is my friend Marcos.

• 1:18:11Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:18:12Speaker 01

  I was like, fuck.

• 1:18:12Theo Von?

  They're friends, huh?

• 1:18:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:14Theo Von?

  Yeah, you wonder if people are friends in some of those videos sometimes.

• 1:18:16Speaker 01

  The whole fucking.

• 1:18:17Theo Von?

  North Korean soldier is hooked on porn after getting internet access for first time while helping Russia fight Ukraine. Um, North Korean military men who joined the war front in Ukraine on behalf of Russia have unf- Why would, first of all, look up this up separately, keep me on this page.

• 1:18:34Speaker 01

  Unfettered?

• 1:18:34Theo Von?

  Why would, uh, why would North Korean men be supporting the Russian side in this war? I just, I-

• 1:18:40Speaker 01

  Communism, because they're also communistic, you know?

• 1:18:43Theo Von?

  Oh, so they're supporting-

• 1:18:43Speaker 01

  And they have common interests. Everyone's against North Korea except, so Russia's seeking for partners, you know?

• 1:18:49Theo Von?

  Got it. Um, North Korean military men who joined the war front in Ukraine on behalf of Russia have unfettered internet access for the first time and may be using it to watch tons of pornography. That's the kind of sin, this one, I don't trust the media. And maybe using it, might be, to watch tons of pornography. You know what I'm saying? Like-

• 1:19:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:08Theo Von?

  Play, give me one side of the net, right?

• 1:19:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:10Theo Von?

  According to a report that a Pentagon official was unable to confirm.

• 1:19:14Speaker 01

  So, yeah, okay.

• 1:19:15Theo Von?

  I'm, so I'm not saying that's not true, but-

• 1:19:17Speaker 01

  I know, I get it.

• 1:19:17Theo Von?

  Just the way they shape, if you look at the way they shape articles and stuff.

• 1:19:22Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:19:22Theo Von?

  According to a report that a Pentagon official was unable to confirm, warriors from the Hermit Kingdom engaged in a battle in Ukraine for the first time Monday, but they purportedly started fighting different demons before stepping foot onto any field, according to a report. Does it say what their favorite searches were?

• 1:19:37Speaker 01

  There's a joke up there, they go, hardened soldiers indeed.

• 1:19:42Theo Von?

  Usually reliable source tells me the North Korean soldiers who have deployed to Russia have never had unfettered access to the internet before. As a result, they're gorging on pornography.

• 1:19:52Speaker 01

  Someone's telling you to hold the front line, but you're seeing everything you've ever dreamed of for the first time. I'm staying at the base, brother. I mean, we can give up a little land.

• 1:20:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:05Speaker 01

  We can give up a little land.

• 1:20:07Theo Von?

  If we give up a couple hundred more acres, you know? So just so I can get through a couple of more of these categories that I'm really curious about. Dude, ah.

• 1:20:18Speaker 01

  When I did the youth exchange program in Romania when I was a kid.

• 1:20:21Theo Von?

  Bro, hold on, hold on a second. I just don't know how many stories I could take. Where somebody ends up jacking off all over at the end of it.

• 1:20:32Speaker 01

  Just you wait.

• 1:20:33Theo Von?

  I'm not judging you. I just have to fucking brace myself for just a second, dude. Let me touch my fucking neck for a second.

• 1:20:38Speaker 01

  Release the cranium.

• 1:20:42Speaker 01

  Imagine you start doing that on a plane, dude. I gotta hold on a second, I gotta release my cranium. You put a fucking balloon up your nose, dude. People are getting weird out there, dude. You know when someone's like stretching at the airport, it's like too much? You know, when they're on the ground and they're doing their little thing?

• 1:20:56Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:20:57Speaker 01

  Just take your bad hip. Just be a man. I'm uncomfortable. Dude, I wanna do squats too, but I'm not gonna.

• 1:21:04Theo Von?

  Just get your fucking bad ankle to Minneapolis, brother. Dude, but here's a dream I had is one day if I was had a long enough layover, I wanted to go for a jog like in the Atlanta airport or the Madrid airport, I think is really, really big.

• 1:21:19Speaker 01

  Uh huh. And you wanna go jog?

• 1:21:22Theo Von?

  Cause you could jog, cause in the Madrid airport, it's like

• 1:21:25Speaker 01

  Giant.

• 1:21:25Theo Von?

  You could do like a two mile run in it like. So I just wanted to go for like a run, like say if you had a long enough layover, you're trying to kill time, but you also wanna get some exercise. Cause you can crew, like if you're running late for your plane, you're welcome to do that all day.

• 1:21:36Speaker 01

  For sure.

• 1:21:37Theo Von?

  So I'm like, if you just had your headphones on and you just popped on some

• 1:21:40Speaker 01

  Shadow boxing.

• 1:21:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, just popped on some shorts. Why not go for a run?

• 1:21:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:45Theo Von?

  That's always been a dream of mine ever since I was young.

• 1:21:47Speaker 01

  To run in an airport?

• 1:21:49Theo Von?

  To run, but to go for a run in an airport. I think it's to do some. Something someplace that seems obtuse, you know?

• 1:21:56Theo Von?

  But let's, I just wanna make sure that we get to the end of this thought of like, so did we, did we cover fully? So as a mother, I think, or as any parent, it's just to create a comfortable way to have that conversation and keep it ongoing so that it can be, there's room for it to breathe. Like, yeah, I think if, if it's taboo, or if you don't talk about it at all, then it feels like um, something's wrong.

• 1:22:19Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 1:22:19Theo Von?

  Scary, or then you just learn, this is another thing I just realized. Your friends tell you, and it's always some evil older brother that's like calling you a or whatever. And just are doing this in front of you like this, you know?

• 1:22:32Speaker 01

  It's like too much.

• 1:22:33Theo Von?

  It's gross. And that kid probably learned from some dark, dark way, right? So I think like um, like yeah, but then here's what happens is you learn from a kid, you learn from some like, and then, and then you, you become like, oh, I need to do certain things, or I need to operate certain ways, or make sure that I'm like, trying to like engage with sex or something, so that other people, my peers will think it's cool, right?

• 1:22:58Speaker 01

  Well, the only reason I wanted to lose my virginity was because all my friends had lost their virginity. It's not even, remember, remember how much you wanted to have sex, like in your DNA, you feel it? But then when the opportunity, how scared you were. Dude, I was literally, I was so terrified, it's crazy. And also, my girlfriend, when we decided to do it, I had already lied that I've done it. So I had to pretend like I've been here before.

• 1:23:22Theo Von?

  And what'd you do to pretend? Just stand up straight or whatever?

• 1:23:25Speaker 01

  Well, I didn't even know, you know, like, she has angles. To even get my cock into her sweet little angel hole, it took me several tries. I had to try several times. And of course.

• 1:23:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's like trying keys on a door. You're like, oh, that one's not it, or that one, yeah, that one goes to that other place.

• 1:23:45Speaker 01

  They never explained that in porn, you know, they don't, you know, you don't know that. And it took so long, yeah, I had to like, and I came within like, maybe it was like two seconds or something, and then you just gotta lie that, you know? I, I told her like, ah, it's my like third time, so you know, I'm still pretty new.

• 1:24:01Theo Von?

  Oh dude, I lost my virginity behind a bowling alley in our town.

• 1:24:04Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:24:05Theo Von?

  That they're refurbishing now, so I'm glad that they're doing that.

• 1:24:09Speaker 01

  Wait, but in what room? The toilet?

• 1:24:11Theo Von?

  No, no, no, behind it, outside, yeah.

• 1:24:13Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:24:14Theo Von?

  In the woods.

• 1:24:14Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:24:15Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, no, it was, it was sex, but it was, yeah, I lost my virginity behind this bowling alley. Bring it up over there, Tiffany Lane's over there.

• 1:24:24Speaker 01

  Oh, you've talked about this, Theo dusted, dusted off his little wand and got his weasel grease for the first time here. That means these lanes are well and the ambiance is well done.

• 1:24:32Theo Von?

  Pretty cool, huh? Oh, here it is right there. I hate to see this closed. Good place if you came early like Theo. I know his girl didn't like that he came so early, but that just makes him an alpha. Let's go. Thank you. Thank you, Nicholas F.

• 1:24:45Speaker 01

  Wow, it's all Theo. It's all Theo, dude.

• 1:24:48Theo Von?

  I had no idea, dude.

• 1:24:49Speaker 01

  Dude, you took this business down probably. Now there's all these little kids trying to get their dick wet and they're not even interested in the lanes. This bowling alley owner must be so, his mind must be like, the fuck's been happening in the last four years?

• 1:25:01Theo Von?

  Why is everybody behind the building?

• 1:25:04Speaker 01

  Nobody wants to do, use the lanes anymore.

• 1:25:06Theo Von?

  Places full of rich history. Theo Von became a man behind this alley. Shout out to the patrons for giving him the strength to do so. Amen to that. I'm here because of Theo Von who lost something precious at this bowling alley so long ago. Any good place for Theo is good enough for me. Oh, that's nice of you. Thank you, my, uh, man, Wheezy.

• 1:25:21Speaker 01

  Again, Theo, it's all Theo. It's literally all Theo.

• 1:25:23Theo Von?

  I didn't know, sorry. Yeah, but anyway, thank you guys for some of the warm sentiment. And, um, yeah, just a beautiful place and they are reopening it soon, so I am excited about that.

• 1:25:32Speaker 01

  You should go to the reopening.

• 1:25:34Theo Von?

  Go to the ribbon cutting.

• 1:25:36Speaker 01

  You should go to reopening.

• 1:25:39Theo Von?

  I, I, dude, are we even gonna mess this place up by even talking about this on here?

• 1:25:43Speaker 01

  No, they're totally fucked now.

• 1:25:45Theo Von?

  But it closed there. When did it close?

• 1:25:47Speaker 01

  Oh, but they renovated, two million renovation.

• 1:25:49Theo Von?

  Getting a new bowling alley.

• 1:25:52Theo Von?

  You know what? I should have reopened it.

• 1:25:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. This is the spot.

• 1:25:57Theo Von?

  Dang.

• 1:25:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:25:59Theo Von?

  But still, I hope that people practice, uh, you know what I'm saying? Bumper bowling if they do around there.

• 1:26:06Theo Von?

  Just safe activity. But what would you, if you're a dad, what do you think you say to your son? Like, really? Like, what do you really say to your son if you think you like? And when do you think you would do it? Like, I'm trying to think if I'd have had a dad around that was gonna communicate like that?

• 1:26:19Theo Von?

  What would I have, what would I have liked to like? It's probably like around eleven or twelve.

• 1:26:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, you see, well, you see it way before that probably, you know, the little willy. Like, did you show your little cock everywhere when you were a kid?

• 1:26:32Theo Von?

  No.

• 1:26:33Speaker 01

  Did you show it? I showed it to everybody. I had to.

• 1:26:35Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:26:36Speaker 01

  It felt so good. And people would laugh and feel good. Like, my mom would have her girlfriends over. They would drink wine. And I would do this thing where I would slide, like, you know, they're like in, on the couches in the living room. And I would slide on my socks. And I had little, like, these, like, gray sweatpants with a little hole in front of it. I put my little willy.

• 1:26:53Theo Von?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:26:54Speaker 01

  Played guitar like this, and then run back in my room. I mean, dying laughing. They were like. But then I did it so much that eventually my mom was like, you know, that's not.

• 1:27:02Theo Von?

  Right. You're like, you're thirty now.

• 1:27:03Speaker 01

  You gotta, yeah.

• 1:27:04Theo Von?

  You're still sliding out there.

• 1:27:06Speaker 01

  So I would do stuff like that, like, I would love that. That's like funny.

• 1:27:10Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, I think it's definitely funny. This, uh, perplexity says the best approach to make it ongoing calm conversation, not one big talk.

• 1:27:17Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, that's, I guess, that's true.

• 1:27:20Theo Von?

  Oh, dude, I remember. I've talked about this before, but my uncle was like. My uncle, I, I don't know if he was our uncle, but he was like a guy that somebody was making love to that had a car, right? And so he would bring us to the wine sto- the wine store. And he left me in there one time. He was going to do something. So I'm wandering around in there and some lady walks up. She's like, have you seen my kitty? And I didn't know what she was talking about. And I was probably, I think I was maybe twelve. And then she opens her jacket. She was naked.

• 1:27:48Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:27:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:50Speaker 01

  Wait, why would she be an angel like that?

• 1:27:53Theo Von?

  I don't know why, but I, I didn't know what was going on. I just remember being like very turned on.

• 1:27:57Speaker 01

  Fully naked, bush.

• 1:27:58Theo Von?

  Fully naked. I don't know if it was bush or whatever. I mean, everything was zen. I remember that, dude. But it was just kind of crazy, you know? Must be for real. Now I can feel. It was nice, dude, but I just, it was like a, I remember that that happened. But I think my uncle had said something after that. He maybe, he asked me a couple of questions about it, but I think it's just like, yeah, like.

• 1:28:19Speaker 01

  Make her do it, maybe.

• 1:28:20Theo Von?

  No, he did not. Oh, that would have been crazy. No, he didn't have any game like that.

• 1:28:24Speaker 01

  Girlfriend show her tits to like a young kid one time.

• 1:28:27Theo Von?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:28:27Speaker 01

  Cause just cause to blow his fucking mind.

• 1:28:29Theo Von?

  Fuck, yeah. That's fucking kind of fucked up, but it's cool.

• 1:28:32Speaker 01

  Big ass titties. And this, this kid was like.

• 1:28:34Theo Von?

  Fucking yams, huh?

• 1:28:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:28:37Theo Von?

  Dude, I'll tell you this, one time at, um, at YMCA summer camp, shout out YMCA, best summer camps in the world, I'll say that, facts. They had, we would go to this park called Fountainblow State Park. And it was in Louisiana, bring it up over there, Fountainblow.

• 1:28:51Speaker 01

  Let me guess, the reviews are all feel?

• 1:28:53Theo Von?

  No, nobody knows about this, dude. Nobody knows about this. But, it was like raining one day and we sat there and they had this guy named Eddie and he was pretty cool. And, uh-

• 1:29:02Speaker 01

  Fountainblow.

• 1:29:03Theo Von?

  Just look at the pictures of, yep, that's it.

• 1:29:05Speaker 01

  It's very pretty.

• 1:29:05Theo Von?

  It's very pretty, very beautiful place. But, um, like, everybody's bored because it was raining and so you got to walk up and look down like his girlfriend's shirt one time.

• 1:29:15Speaker 01

  One time, that's all you need.

• 1:29:17Theo Von?

  And I just remember, I walked up and looked and then I was like, "Oh, I didn't get to see it, I said that, like I just made it up or whatever." And they let me go one more time! They disrespected the, the, you know. But I don't know if it was so powerful that I actually couldn't see it.

• 1:29:33Speaker 01

  Like you blanked.

• 1:29:33Theo Von?

  Right, like just you staring into something, you know, just like-

• 1:29:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:29:37Theo Von?

  Um, I do want to learn a little bit about, uh, what brought you here from Estonia to the USA, like why did you come?

• 1:29:44Speaker 01

  Well, stand up, of course.

• 1:29:46Theo Von?

  Okay, so you were doing stand up there?

• 1:29:47Speaker 01

  I was doing it in Estonia, Australia, Estonia in the capital Tallinn, I did it in Australia, Melbourne, I did it in Bangkok for a year. I was the feature on the road in Asia with a lot of guys, I met Arshafir that way. Uh, I met Sam Tallent in Estonia because he came through. I did it in Canada, Vancouver-

• 1:30:04Theo Von?

  He came to Estonia?

• 1:30:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I invited him, yeah, I put some gigs up for him. It was awesome, yeah.

• 1:30:09Theo Von?

  So were you running your own show there?

• 1:30:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, we have, uh, we have like our own comedy club.

• 1:30:13Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 1:30:13Speaker 01

  Me and my friends, like eight of us basically own.

• 1:30:16Theo Von?

  And it's still active?

• 1:30:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, summer tour, they're all killing it.

• 1:30:21Theo Von?

  How big is Tallinn?

• 1:30:22Speaker 01

  Um, 600,000, I think, something like that, yeah, it's pretty big.

• 1:30:25Theo Von?

  How big is Estonia?

• 1:30:26Speaker 01

  1.4. But, you know, when you say 1.4 population, what is it really? Like actually online voting people who know what's happening in the world, maybe 60,000.

• 1:30:37Theo Von?

  60,000.

• 1:30:38Speaker 01

  You know, it's like when you say, what's, how, how much is in America? It's like a big number, right?

• 1:30:41Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:30:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, but how much of those people are actually consumers and they go to shows? They go to like, like online people?

• 1:30:49Theo Von?

  I see what you're saying. Right, like America, I think the population now, what is the population now? I bet it's about three hundred and fifty million?

• 1:30:55Speaker 01

  That's crazy.

• 1:30:56Theo Von?

  Wow. The US population is approximately three hundred and forty-two to three hundred and forty-nine million. Um, but yeah, what percent are like?

• 1:31:02Speaker 01

  So out of those three hundred and fifty million, I reckon actual people, it's maybe three million.

• 1:31:10Speaker 01

  Right?

• 1:31:10Theo Von?

  Lot of bots.

• 1:31:11Speaker 01

  A lot of bots.

• 1:31:12Theo Von?

  Lot of bots, lot of NPCs. I think that could be right.

• 1:31:14Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

• 1:31:15Theo Von?

  Did you, uh, the people there, do the, is comedy different there? Would they get our comedy? What, what is humor like there?

• 1:31:23Speaker 01

  Well, you see, that's why stand-up had such an explosion as well is that the Soviet Union collapsed in nineteen ninety-one. That's when Estonia became a country. Again, we were a country in the forties before Soviet Union rocked around. And we were Soviet Union basically all the time. You know, Estonians get really offended when you call us Russian, you know? Cause we're like Estonian, but it's a very they/them behavior, you know? It's like you were Mike last week, you know? It's like most of our history, we've been Russia, so I don't get offended when people say that, but it's a thing we have.

• 1:31:55Theo Von?

  So there's a lot of pride in Estonia right now for being Estonian?

• 1:31:57Speaker 01

  We have our own language, everything, you know?

• 1:31:59Theo Von?

  It's a beautiful place?

• 1:32:01Speaker 01

  It is. You would, cause you seem like a guy, um, America's very loud. It's loud. It's a lot. The highways are loud. There's a lot of pollution. It's loud. It's a lot.

• 1:32:12Theo Von?

  I agree.

• 1:32:13Speaker 01

  That's why you guys are also like culturally like the leaders, because there's a lot of tension and a lot of push and pull. A lot of push and pull creates beautiful art. A lot of tension creates beautiful art. So that's why you guys do that. But Estonia, very serene, calm, sauna, the sea, the ocean, quiet, space, space. We love space. We love quiet. It's not a lot of people. So when the Soviet Union collapses, with like rap, music, culture, movies, stand-up comedy, the more, hmm, you know, to control, what communism does really well when it works is to control people.

• 1:32:55Speaker 01

  You control their subconscious, their mind. So that's why there was all this, you can't speak bad about the government. There's all this censorship.

• 1:33:04Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:33:05Speaker 01

  You can't say bad words, no sexual stuff. You have to keep people's subconscious subdued to control them, just like they're doing now in North Korea. That's what you have to do.

• 1:33:16Theo Von?

  Well, just like even this happening now here, I think in America is like, you know, they're like, the way that they sedate us with certain like, um, things you can and can't say online, that's the thing.

• 1:33:24Speaker 01

  No, that's what you do. But the more tension creates, the bigger the release when you get to say it. Like, that's how stand-up started in America. So much tension with the government, racial tensions, everything. And then a guy named Lenny Bruce starts riffing with a cigarette in his mouth and starts saying crazy shit. And people go into this room like, holy fuck, this is where you can talk off the record. This is how I talk with my friends when the government isn't listening, you know? That's why I come in this, so that's, that's how it, you know, like.

• 1:33:56Theo Von?

  That's how whispering started even.

• 1:33:57Speaker 01

  Exactly. And, um, literature back in, uh, back in the day, why Russian literature is so beautiful? It's because it's out of all this poverty and you have to speak through the flowers. That means I can't say fuck the government, but I can say it in a different way. That's why, you know, so parameters, like having parameters also create beautiful art. And then when the Soviet Union collapsed, all the floodgates are open. We get South Park, Chappelle's Show, Knight Rider, MacGyver, Grey's Anatomy, Felicity, Friends.

• 1:34:29Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:32Speaker 01

  It's all like coming into our consciousness.

• 1:34:34Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:35Speaker 01

  And then me and another friend, Sander, and another group of guys, uh, the Comedy Estonia guys, used to be on our organization back in the days. We were the first generation of comedians. So now we're the first adults, uh, talking about stuff that American entertainment talks about. Potimouth stuff.

• 1:34:55Theo Von?

  So they didn't have it before?

• 1:34:56Speaker 01

  Not at all.

• 1:34:57Theo Von?

  So you didn't, when you were a kid, they didn't have like an Estonian comedian?

• 1:35:01Speaker 01

  We had comedic influences, but it's all controlled by the fucking, it's all mainstream. It's all, la, da, da, da, da, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

• 1:35:09Theo Von?

  Like Big Bird or something?

• 1:35:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, like Tonight Show, Johnny Carter, like stuff like that. It's not. So then, when we started, we were like first ones at the well. You know, the first ones at the well of creativity, now that there's no lines, the internet keeps everything open. So it was a big explosion. Open mics would have hundreds of people.

• 1:35:29Theo Von?

  In Estonia?

• 1:35:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, open mics, literally people squeezing in just to see this new art form. So it was a beautiful explosion. It's like fucking the Beatles shit, you know? Yeah, so it was amazing for us, you know?

• 1:35:41Theo Von?

  Dude, that's so cool. It's so incredible, man.

• 1:35:45Speaker 01

  The first hours of material, let's be honest, they're not the most original, just because, as I said, we're the first ones at the well. I just got the first cup of water.

• 1:35:52Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:53Speaker 01

  No one's ever made an airplane joke. I'm gonna do a fucking 12-minute closer. That would be so hacky here, but it's the first time anyone's talked about this.

• 1:36:02Theo Von?

  Wow, dude, that's so wild. Yeah, there is something that's so thankful about, like, let me say something. That's why I think we're in a spot now where comedians sometimes are the people that are the only ones and the few podcasters that are saying something that's like not the mainstream narrative.

• 1:36:22Speaker 01

  Well, exactly, and that's how, that's how podcasts basically took over the media. It's just because that. The more you subdue the subconsciousness, the bigger the release.

• 1:36:33Theo Von?

  What's that movie? This movie's great, if you've ever seen it. It was the movie.

• 1:36:37Speaker 01

  Titanic?

• 1:36:37Theo Von?

  Huh?

• 1:36:38Speaker 01

  Titanic.

• 1:36:39Theo Von?

  Titanic's so good, huh?

• 1:36:40Speaker 01

  It's a great movie.

• 1:36:40Theo Von?

  They had it in your country?

• 1:36:41Speaker 01

  Late, but I had it.

• 1:36:43Theo Von?

  God.

• 1:36:44Speaker 01

  I think we're getting, I think we're getting Avatar next year, so I'm very excited about that.

• 1:36:49Theo Von?

  Dude, yeah, I remember being in Vietnam and they had just gotten, uh, Stand by Me when I was over there.

• 1:36:56Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:36:57Theo Von?

  And they were fucking crazy. You had all these Vietnamese people dressing up like the characters from Stand by Me and singing that song, "When the night it come, the land is gone."

• 1:37:07Speaker 01

  We all dressed up as Blade when we got Blade. Remember Blade?

• 1:37:09Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:37:10Speaker 01

  Everybody had sunglasses and a leather suit. If you go to a nightclub, it was the, the bouncer was Blade, the guy getting it was Blade.

• 1:37:16Theo Von?

  Andrew Dice Clay.

• 1:37:17Speaker 01

  It was Blade IDing Blade. It was, everyone was fucking, dude, leather sales skyrocketed. I reckon the leather industry in Italy was like, "Man, what's happening in Estonia, Blade?" This was me. This was all of Estonia for like three years.

• 1:37:32Theo Von?

  And do they have a lot of black people in Estonia?

• 1:37:35Speaker 01

  Three.

• 1:37:36Theo Von?

  Good.

• 1:37:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:37:38Theo Von?

  And how's that been? If we interviewed them, what would they say? Do you think it's been good?

• 1:37:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:37:46Theo Von?

  Okay, dude. So it's been hit or miss. It's been hit or miss.

• 1:37:49Speaker 01

  It's been hit or miss for sure. But I would say Estonians, Eastern Europeans, Northern Europeans, you know, it's not, see racism is embedded in you having a preconceived notion about a certain group of people. And I would say, living in America, it probably gets validated in an echo chamber. If you grow up in a white neighborhood, and there's, and it's a racist neighborhood, you're gonna have this notion and, you know, and then you're gonna grow up and understand, okay, that was just my childhood. In Estonia, if you don't really have black people around, the racism is kind of, it's firing into darkness.

• 1:38:31Theo Von?

  Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying.

• 1:38:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:38:33Theo Von?

  Well, I'll be in Canada, and I'll see like, uh, black people in some Canadian places, and it doesn't feel like there's any of the tension and weird shit.

• 1:38:40Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:38:41Theo Von?

  That there is in America. And I'm not saying that they're, it feel, it's so fucking different. You're like, oh, this is how things are supposed to be. And they also keep like, repeating this same narrative in America. Like, it's getting, it's gotten like, it's like, we should be able, I think, at some point, start to move past some of this stuff. It's like, what are we still doing?

• 1:39:03Speaker 01

  I know. Yeah, exactly.

• 1:39:04Theo Von?

  You know what I'm saying? If I'm still chewing a piece of gum from fucking 150 years ago.

• 1:39:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:39:09Theo Von?

  And after, and there's a taste in my mouth after a while, it's because, at a certain point, you gotta, you know, somebody like-

• 1:39:13Speaker 01

  You gotta let that gum go.

• 1:39:14Theo Von?

  Yeah, or just get, you know, yeah, take part of it out of your mouth, you know? Or give it a little bit of a rest sometimes.

• 1:39:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:39:19Theo Von?

  But there's some people that just wanna chew like, some of the same gum. And maybe that's messed up for me to say, but I just, it blew my mind when I was in Canada. And I was like, oh, there's not this racial tension here at all.

• 1:39:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, and absolutely, there's people who are, you know, it's racism due to ignorance is one thing, you know?

• 1:39:39Theo Von?

  Yeah, totally. I'm not saying that doesn't exist, but-

• 1:39:42Speaker 01

  And, and it's like, you know, Estonians, we drop N-bombs, but it doesn't have the history you have here. You know, like we have, we, we, we don't even say black people, we just drop the word.

• 1:39:53Theo Von?

  What?

• 1:39:53Speaker 01

  But you guys have, you know, you got, you like, we don't have, we don't have the word you have.

• 1:39:59Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:39:59Speaker 01

  We say like negro, which you guys say too, and it's not a good word, you know?

• 1:40:05Theo Von?

  Right. Well, especially being from the South, some of it's like, yeah, it's all like, I agree. There's such a history with it, like certain terms here that you don't want it, like it's not cool.

• 1:40:13Speaker 01

  Exactly. So, but there's none of that weight attached to that word. So if a white guy will be drunk and yell it at a black guy, it's just because he's a fucking baboon brain. But there's no deep conceived fucking hatred behind it.

• 1:40:28Theo Von?

  Right. But if a white guy gets drunk and yells at a black guy, that's fucking kind of racist.

• 1:40:31Speaker 01

  No, it's racist. The action is racist for sure. But what I'm trying to say is he makes it out of ignorance. It's not, there's no like.

• 1:40:38Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:40:39Speaker 01

  You know, and it's, and it's like.

• 1:40:41Theo Von?

  But yeah, I think our media over time kind of perpetuates it or wants to keep that flame burning. Cause it also keeps a lot of fucking anger in certain communities.

• 1:40:49Speaker 01

  Unity has zero dollars in it. Division has the bank.

• 1:40:54Theo Von?

  Amen.

• 1:40:55Speaker 01

  There's no reason to, for people to get along. There's no money in us having an open conversation and being happy with our lives. There's no money in that.

• 1:41:04Theo Von?

  Think about that.

• 1:41:05Speaker 01

  I fucking hate your ass and I need to be better than you and you want to be better than me. That creates revenue.

• 1:41:13Theo Von?

  Yep.

• 1:41:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's no revenue in peace.

• 1:41:16Theo Von?

  Man.

• 1:41:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:41:21Theo Von?

  Oh, it's interesting. It's sad. It's a lot. I'd love to talk more. We both have to go to the airport.

• 1:41:28Speaker 01

  We have to go to the airport.

• 1:41:30Theo Von?

  So people know that.

• 1:41:32Speaker 01

  Are you, are you excited to travel, like to see places like Estonia or no?

• 1:41:36Theo Von?

  Oh dude, yes.

• 1:41:37Speaker 01

  What would you think about that?

• 1:41:38Theo Von?

  Oh, I would love to go there, man. Like I, I love to travel so much and then I like. I mean, I hate to say this, but it's like, you know, I got into podcasting and then it's a lot, it's a lot. And also like work started going really good and then like that's a lot. And so it's all been like gifts. But um, yeah, in the next like year or two, I would, I wouldn't mind maybe falling in love or something and going traveling or just going and traveling. It'd be nice to have like somebody to do like, you know, you get those things that you do with. My mom wanted to go to Italy. Um, I think I might try to take her there. So I have to bring it up to her and see if she wants to go do that. But dude, yeah, I want to go see some more places. I've been fortunate to see some places.

• 1:42:18Theo Von?

  Um, but I would love to get to go see some more like that semester at sea trip was like the first time I ever. Like got like, I remember we pulled like we docked in like South Africa.

• 1:42:29Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:42:30Theo Von?

  And dude, it would be crazy, bro. Like, cause you were just, I didn't know anybody on this ship. I remember. And everybody's families were there like waving and had poster board and shit. I'm like. And I, and I just started waving like strangers grandmother shit. Cause I like, I don't even know if I told my family that I was going. So I'm just fucking. This ship is leaving port and it's just like.

• 1:42:50Theo Von?

  And I'm just like, where are we going? And we sailed for like 14 days. And then we get to Japan, right? So we went from Vancouver to Japan. And um, and that was crazy. And even when I got into Vancouver, I'd never been there. I went hitchhiking to go up to Wesler. Some dude picked me up. This dude, his name was Mike, Michael something. He was the caretaker for Christopher Reeves, who was Superman.

• 1:43:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:43:13Theo Von?

  After Chris Reeves got hurt. He was his caretaker. So I got to ride and listen to all these crazy stories about what it was like, like taking care of Superman, which was just fucking crazy like. And shit like that. That was before they had cell phones. Like shit like, like you just like. I don't know. Things were so much more possible and like unique and like everything felt like an adventure then. Um, but that, but that whole ship experience was really great and uh, and we got to go to different places. But I remember we got to South Africa and I got off and I was like. Oh my God, like. Like there's like other people are like living in different places. Like it just it's hard to conceptualize things until you go places.

• 1:43:51Speaker 01

  For sure. And I would say, as much as I've met Americans throughout my life and now living here, I would say there's something about Americans that it gets put into a lot of your heads that everywhere else is really dangerous and not good. Like it's like you're not safe there. And I don't know if it's like capitalism and consumerism trying to put this thing like stay put.

• 1:44:16Theo Von?

  Stay here, spend your money here.

• 1:44:17Speaker 01

  Take a loan, you know, this is America. Like, like, of course, America, number one, we love it. Patriotism is beautiful, absolutely. But you know, the rest of the world, I think, bad.

• 1:44:29Theo Von?

  No. Oh, it's getting better all the time now. I mean, I think America, especially with the leadership we have now, with the way that we're like supporting like crimes around the world with a lot that's been revealed. Like, I love this country. I respect the people that have stood up and fought for it.

• 1:44:44Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 1:44:45Theo Von?

  Especially with our jobs, like freedom of speech, if people didn't die for that job.

• 1:44:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:44:50Theo Von?

  We don't have a job here.

• 1:44:51Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 1:44:52Theo Von?

  You know, we don't even have a job market. And then there's other bigger entities now that are trying to like curtail that. And like these big, you know, like tech companies are trying to limit what you can say like. I think America's in a really, really interesting spot where we need patriots like more than ever. And I don't know how we become those. And I don't know also how we fight against the evil that's going on.

• 1:45:13Speaker 01

  And the algorithm listens more than the people, you know.

• 1:45:17Theo Von?

  Say that again?

• 1:45:18Speaker 01

  The algorithm listens more than the people. So what you hear is often wise, dictated. The algorithm makes a decision what you're consuming. And that's wild. That's exactly the opposite of the internet, what it was created for. Cause any opinion, any opinion that the algorithm wants you to have, it will, it will make you have it, you know.

• 1:45:44Theo Von?

  It's got, and here's the thing.

• 1:45:45Speaker 01

  It's scary.

• 1:45:46Theo Von?

  It's very scary.

• 1:45:47Speaker 01

  It's not a human. Like, I totally get it. We say an offensive word here, and another person who's maybe a revenue stream or a company that sponsors your podcast, maybe they don't like the word that we used, the slur. And that's a human making that decision. That's a board meeting. It's not my personal preference of a decision, but at least you can validate it to me, to a person. A, a algorithm deciding, like, between you and a consumer. There's an algorithm, and that decides if that content gets to the consumer. That's not free speech.

• 1:46:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:20Speaker 01

  That's, that's an orchestrated version of free speech. And that can even be more dangerous than just saying you can't say it, you know?

• 1:46:28Theo Von?

  Yeah, I mean, and it's fascinating, and a lot of people don't even realize it's going on. And we don't realize that.

• 1:46:34Speaker 01

  Have you ever looked at another person's feed? How different is it? How, how's that possible? You know, aren't we both living in this country, having the same issues? You know, how, how are me and you living in the same country, paying taxes for the same government? And you get a totally different news feed? Because the algorithm knows, you know?

• 1:46:52Theo Von?

  Yeah, this is what he needs, or this is what he doesn't need.

• 1:46:55Speaker 01

  Isn't it creepy that, you know, when you scroll? You know, I, I, I spoke to a guy who's a programmer. He's from Sweden, and he told me they developed this back in the day. He used to work for Spotify. He's a big programmer guy. He sells these patents. And he said, he said that one of the biggest things they've done is, you know, when you're scrolling? If you like a post, that's one thing. But you know what's more valuable for the algorithm? When you scroll past, you stop, you don't like it, and you keep scrolling. That's more points for the algorithm. Because he, the algorithm understands, oh, this is something you don't want to show other people you like. But you love this shit, don't you? So it knows you better than you.

• 1:47:39Theo Von?

  Dude, and it's like, that's, it's like temptation, it's like, and we don't realize when those things come on, that you have to fight against that, man. Like, if you really wanna have discernment, like, there's never a better time when we realize that people are fighting for your attention, right? Cause what you absorb, and then you believe, you're gonna, that's what's gonna influence your children. And it's like, we're at a crucial time.

• 1:48:01Speaker 01

  Attention is money and time, and there's one thing you can't get back is time. And if you can control what people spend their time on, AKA their attention, you control a whole narrative of history now, you know?

• 1:48:13Theo Von?

  I mean, it's, it's, it's basically, it's a communism.

• 1:48:16Speaker 01

  It is, for sure. I mean, it is, yeah, absolutely. You're controlling me. You know, you're making me feel emotions about a certain topic that wasn't even entering my brain. It was a beautiful day and a nice flower, and now I see this thing on my feet, and now I'm upset about something that has nothing to do with me.

• 1:48:33Theo Von?

  Yep. And now that I'm upset, I'll resort to things that, these are things that sneak into people's lives when, for me, these are, sorry, I don't wanna preach. These are things that sneak into my life when I'm angry. Um, I'll eat something I don't wanna eat, cause I'm just frustrated. I'll act out, like, I'll like, maybe try and hit up some girl that I'm not really interested in bullshit, masturbate, do, do, watching porno, um, just different things. Once you're agitated, they got you. Cause then you're, then you're gonna go buy some other addictive thing, and it's a, it's just like, oh.

• 1:49:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, everything negative has money in it, you know? No one's, no one, no one's making money when they're content.

• 1:49:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:49:08Speaker 01

  You know, and it's like, and, and we don't, and, but America is, of course, a beautiful, and it was, and it was, and it was, and it was founded on the fact of free speech and alternative thinking. That's why stand-up is thriving, and the reason I moved here is because I wanna practice, I wanna see how far the rabbit hole of my own mind on stage goes. And the only place to do that, as, basically is America, cause the level of comedians is so high here, cause you have generations of free speech, and it's beautiful. And it's important to continue doing that.

• 1:49:40Theo Von?

  And, and dude, and I'll say this, man, you've done such, you like, like, yeah, I got to watch you, I think we did some shows there last month or something. It was really great, man. I mean, I love. I've seen your clips. Your shit is so funny.

• 1:49:51Speaker 01

  You're so funny too.

• 1:49:52Theo Von?

  Thank you, bro, for just all the entertainment. I appreciate it.

• 1:49:55Speaker 01

  And everywhere is beautiful in the world, you know? Like even my friend, you know what I saw recently? I met an old Iranian wrestler back in the day. I was working in a nightclub in Melbourne. He was a bouncer. Iranian, they love wrestling. They're so homophobic, but their history is.

• 1:50:09Theo Von?

  The Iron Sheik, wasn't he Iranian wrestler?

• 1:50:11Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, they love.

• 1:50:12Theo Von?

  Sheiky.

• 1:50:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, they love wrestling. This guy just randomly reached out to me on Messenger. He was like, hey, I heard you on a podcast. Glad to see you're doing so well. You always used to be funny. I'm happy you found your lane. And he's in Iran. He's in Iran. So I go, uh, yeah, thanks, man. You good? And he sends me a picture. He's getting an uppercut spritz with bitches on the beach. And he's like, no, I'm not where the war is at. And those things always show me. You know, everywhere in the world, there's a guy chilling somewhere, having a little cocktail or a fresh squeezed orange juice, staring at ass and trying to be happy in his own life.

• 1:50:54Speaker 01

  And whatever they tell, of course, there's war and atrocities. Absolutely, that's happening. That's confirmed. But don't forget, a lot of people are happy everywhere in the world.

• 1:51:06Theo Von?

  Yeah, don't forget to be alive. I mean, yeah, it's easy to get stuck into the things that are negative. It's easy to get stuck.

• 1:51:10Speaker 01

  Cause I'm like, are you good, dog? And he's like, oh, what are you saying? I'm chilling. I got my parents. I got these bitches. They're showing me beautiful ladies on the beach.

• 1:51:19Theo Von?

  I just dropped my parents off somewhere at a museum. I'm fucking great.

• 1:51:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:51:22Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm leaving them there for four hours. They think I'm coming to get them in three.

• 1:51:25Speaker 01

  There's a great falafel truck here. It's a beautiful day. What are you crying about?

• 1:51:30Theo Von?

  I'm great, man. What was that last thing we were going through? There was one kind of closing piece I wanted to have about it.

• 1:51:37Speaker 01

  Wait, can I take a picture with my camera of you?

• 1:51:39Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 1:51:39Speaker 01

  It's just, it's gonna be a funny picture. I just like this camera. Damn, and you know, okay, sorry about that, it's an old camera. And you know, Theo, you're so funny and-

• 1:51:49Theo Von?

  It looks new, that camera.

• 1:51:50Speaker 01

  No, it's old as fuck.

• 1:51:53Speaker 01

  And you know, you're so funny that it's crazy that, uh... You know, I saw you as a kid on Real World, you know that?

• 1:51:59Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:52:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:52:01Theo Von?

  Road Rules.

• 1:52:01Speaker 01

  Road Rules.

• 1:52:02Theo Von?

  They had in your country?

• 1:52:03Speaker 01

  MTV. Wasn't it MTV, right?

• 1:52:05Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I remember when I met you, I was like, "Man, I know this guy as Theo One, the comedian, but how the fuck..." It took me weeks to figure it out. And I used to watch all that shit.

• 1:52:16Theo Von?

  Did you?

• 1:52:17Speaker 01

  It's funny, yeah.

• 1:52:18Theo Von?

  Wow, it's funny that they had it over there.

• 1:52:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:52:21Theo Von?

  It's interesting, dude.

• 1:52:23Speaker 01

  And it's great that you have this incredible podcast. I mean, you've had the president on, and it's great that you're, uh, you're like, um, just expanding the common mainstream media by just being a dude who talks to people. It's great, you know?

• 1:52:36Theo Von?

  Well, thanks, man, I appreciate that. I've had the president on, I've had Ari Matti on too, and it's an honor.

• 1:52:40Speaker 01

  It's an honor.

• 1:52:41Theo Von?

  And, um, the first Estonian that I know, so really cool. And yeah, I would love to be welcome in your country someday. I mean, I know I am welcome there, but I would love to go there sometime and and visit in your home country.

• 1:52:50Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

• 1:52:51Theo Von?

  And, um, yeah, dude, we gotta get to catch up a little bit more. And, uh, yeah, thank you for your time. Congrats on all your success. You have dates coming up. I know it says Comedy on State.

• 1:52:59Speaker 01

  It's, yeah, it's A-R-I-M-A-T-T-I dot com. That's all my dates. I keep adding them all the time. I'm on tour.

• 1:53:05Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 1:53:05Speaker 01

  Please come see me, let's have some fun.

• 1:53:07Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 1:53:07Speaker 01

  I love you guys so much.

• 1:53:08Theo Von?

  Matt, have you been to La Jolla Comedy Store?

• 1:53:10Speaker 01

  Never.

• 1:53:10Theo Von?

  Oh, it's my favorite.

• 1:53:11Speaker 01

  I'm shooting a special there.

• 1:53:12Theo Von?

  You are? Let's go!

• 1:53:13Speaker 01

  I'm never, uh, but I heard it was so beautiful.

• 1:53:16Theo Von?

  It's just perfect.

• 1:53:17Speaker 01

  You think so?

• 1:53:18Theo Von?

  It's like, there's no bullshit in there.

• 1:53:19Speaker 01

  Ah!

• 1:53:20Theo Von?

  They got Louis running on the piano over there. If he's in there, let him cook in the beginning.

• 1:53:24Speaker 01

  Let him cook!

• 1:53:24Theo Von?

  He keeps just the energy in there. And they don't play rap music to me, and they play piano, right? Which I like because it sets the tone that what you're gonna see here, sure, it might be messed up, but it's art, right?

• 1:53:35Speaker 01

  It's art.

• 1:53:35Theo Von?

  Whereas if you're just like pumping some Lil Wayne or something, which is still great, it just gives a different energy, right?

• 1:53:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:53:40Theo Von?

  So I love that they do that there. And, uh, yeah, it's just like, it's a pure thing. There's not, like, they got popcorn and stuff. They're not selling people fucking, uh, creme brulees or whatever, a little fucking lega, uh- Leggero Ramen or whatever.

• 1:53:53Speaker 01

  And California people, I have, you know who I really love? I love Floridians and I love California people. But California people, they know exactly what I mean. I don't mean LA.

• 1:54:02Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:03Speaker 01

  I mean California.

• 1:54:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:04Speaker 01

  San Diego.

• 1:54:05Theo Von?

  Oh, so much fun.

• 1:54:06Speaker 01

  Orange County, all that shit. They're fun people.

• 1:54:09Theo Von?

  They're the best, dude. That's probably, oh, there's no better place to like, to be on stage.

• 1:54:13Speaker 01

  The ocean.

• 1:54:14Theo Von?

  Oh, and the ocean's right there, bro.

• 1:54:15Speaker 01

  I'm a big ocean guy and that's what I really, it hurts me in Austin to live. I love Austin, but I'm a big ocean guy.

• 1:54:21Theo Von?

  You know what? If they could fucking get a little bit of the ocean somehow. Rogan's got money, ask him.

• 1:54:27Speaker 01

  Get us an ocean, Rogan. Yeah.

• 1:54:29Theo Von?

  I bet he could do something.

• 1:54:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:54:31Theo Von?

  He could text somebody.

• 1:54:32Speaker 01

  You gotta text somebody.

• 1:54:33Theo Von?

  Elon could get a straight of something to pull in there.

• 1:54:35Speaker 01

  Every time the security line is too long at the airport, I always text Joe, I go, "Where's the airport?"

• 1:54:40Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, help us out.

• 1:54:42Speaker 01

  This is a mothership airport, dude.

• 1:54:43Theo Von?

  He could freaking buy Spirit Airlines, somebody said he might do it.

• 1:54:46Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:54:46Theo Von?

  That'd be crazy.

• 1:54:48Speaker 01

  Just for comics.

• 1:54:48Theo Von?

  Yeah. Uh, Ari Matty, thanks so much, brother.

• 1:54:51Speaker 01

  Thank you, Theo.