The Girl I Dated Put Something in My Drink . . .

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man grappling with the realization that his date took advantage of him A woman trying to move forward after her affair A mom struggling to co-parent with her ex Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I was going out on a second date with a woman. After a certain point in the evening, I don't have any recollection. I woke up the next morning next to her. And at this point, there's a very strong indication that she drugged me. I'm having a really difficult time coping with that.

• 0:19Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I hate that for you, man. I want to applaud your courage for calling. That's hard for a guy to even say that out loud.

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

• 0:37Dr. John Delony?

  It's Halloween today. And for those of y'all who've been listening to the show for a long time, you know, producer Kelly 1.0, she came as, she's got a terrifying costume on there in the booth. Ah! She came as...

• 0:56Dr. John Delony?

  An angry producer.

• 0:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, go ahead and finish that sentence. I'm waiting.

• 0:59Dr. John Delony?

  As a beautiful elderly woman. That's how she came. And she looks amazing. I know you're going like as a scary person, but I think you look beautiful.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  We'll talk after the show.

• 1:13Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Princeton, New Jersey. Dr. Hey, Tony! What's up, Tony?

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate your time.

• 1:22Dr. John Delony?

  You got it, brother. I'm glad you called, man. What's up?

• 1:25Speaker 00

  Uh, so not to bury the lead here, I'll jump right into it. About a month ago, I was going out on a second date with a woman that I had met the night before. And after a certain point in the evening, I don't have any recollection of what occurred. And I woke up the next morning next to her. And, um, yeah, at this point, there's a very strong indication that she drugged me and that she raped me. And I'm having a really difficult time coping with that. And I don't know where I am right now. I feel like I don't know what the next, as you say, the next right move is.

• 2:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, dude.

• 2:02Speaker 00

  And so I need help in understanding how I get back to being a happier, healthy, healthier person where I can feel safe again.

• 2:13Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I hate that for you, man.

• 2:18Dr. John Delony?

  And my experience talking with men over the years who've been sexually assaulted, I want to applaud your courage for calling. That's hard for a guy to even say that out loud.

• 2:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, it feels a bit uncomfortable. You know, she's quite a bit smaller than I am. She's four foot ten, I'm six feet tall, 200 pounds, and it's, you know, it's, it's very difficult to say that I lost control of myself and that.

• 2:45Dr. John Delony?

  You didn't, you didn't, you didn't, you had it stolen from you.

• 2:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:49Dr. John Delony?

  You didn't lose control of yourself, Tony. It's not like you drank 17 beers and lost control because of choices you made. You had your autonomy stolen from you.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  And even more than the autonomy, what I, what I feel is my sense of safety and my ability to trust myself and my thoughts and anyone and anything around me. Yes.

• 3:12Dr. John Delony?

  That is, that the definition of trauma is a disconnection from yourself. It severs the tie between you and what you know to be real and true. And as a six foot guy who looks at a four foot ten or a five foot nothing woman, it's extra disorienting because if it was switched, there's an understanding when I walk into this room or I walk into this situation, that person can hurt me. Right? And that's what most men don't understand about women going through a parking garage with their head on a swivel, right? It doesn't occur to, it wouldn't occur to you and me, right? But to have that flipped and to have

• 3:57Dr. John Delony?

  this idea that I'm okay no matter what, and then that gets taken, it's disorienting at a really terrifying level.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I've been trying to talk with people about it, therapists and some friends, and I try to tell them, I realize now, I've never lived with fear in my whole life for anything.

• 4:18Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 4:19Speaker 00

  And now I'm living with fear of everything.

• 4:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And part of, I guess let me say this, it's gonna sound nutty to you. Your body's working perfectly. You're not broken. There's not something wrong with you.

• 4:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 4:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I've been reading Redefining Anxiety. I'm about halfway through it. And I'm at the point where I've come to understand that from your book. Thank you for writing it.

• 4:51Dr. John Delony?

  But hey, this isn't going to be solved intellectually.

• 4:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 4:59Dr. John Delony?

  You're not going to be able to think your way through this. You're going to have to sit with a trauma-focused counselor of some sort. Somebody who deals with assault.

• 5:10Dr. John Delony?

  And I hate to say what I'm about to say, but this happens so frequently for men and women.

• 5:19Dr. John Delony?

  Obviously, the majority of women, but it happens to men.

• 5:24Dr. John Delony?

  That there's protocols for it that are pretty standard.

• 5:30Dr. John Delony?

  And it's a, what the, it's not, you can never not have had this happen to you, okay? Two things happen with great trauma counseling that walks you through an assault like this.

• 5:46Dr. John Delony?

  It helps you reconnect with yourself. The ground underneath your feet, what is real and what is true. It will always be true, no matter how much you've never considered it before, that if somebody wants to hurt you, they can.

• 6:01Dr. John Delony?

  And the second part of the healing will be, how do I walk through the world with this newfound information?

• 6:10Dr. John Delony?

  And my body's not at full alert 24/7/365.

• 6:15Dr. John Delony?

  And that's part of the trauma healing, which was, you weren't okay then. You're okay now. We're going to be more vigilant now, because it would be silly not to.

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  And here we go.

• 6:28Dr. John Delony?

  So I guess I want you to hear me say, how long ago did this happen?

• 6:31Speaker 00

  This was a little bit more than a month ago.

• 6:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. It's very, very fresh.

• 6:38Dr. John Delony?

  So give yourself some grace. Okay?

• 6:43Dr. John Delony?

  Give yourself some grace.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  I'm trying.

• 6:47Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  You know, I'm finding it so difficult. You know, just this past weekend even, I was at the gym and just about to get started with my trainer and a woman of similar size and stature came in and I, you know, fight, flight or fright, I immediately froze and my trainer came over to me and said, are you okay? And, and I just, you know, I, I lost it a little bit. I just kept repeating, I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here. And thankfully, you know, she understood. She got me into a separate studio. Um, but you know, I broke down. I just started crying and it's, you know, I, I need to find a way.

• 7:32Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony. Tony, that's healing.

• 7:38Dr. John Delony?

  That's healing.

• 7:41Dr. John Delony?

  That same wiring is the wiring that was used a thousand years ago when you got attacked without looking by a tiger that was waiting in a tree for you.

• 7:54Dr. John Delony?

  And it mauled you and you barely made it out alive. And then a month later, you're sitting there in the forest, still nursing some pretty fresh wounds and a tiger appears across the field. Your body would be failing you if it didn't scream, get out of here. Or if it didn't freeze and try not to be seen.

• 8:16Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to be very careful about this language. Not careful, that's dramatic. I want you just to get rid of this language. You're not going to go back to a time of innocence. That's what makes assault and rape so awful is it steals innocence.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 8:33Dr. John Delony?

  What you have to trust is on the other side of healing, you're, you're informed and you're always going to be more attentive. You should be, all of us should be. But you have to trust on the other side of this, your body's not going to feel like it does all the time right now. You're going to be able to see somebody bebopping into a gym, a five foot two woman bebopping into a gym, and you're going to be able to remember what happened and your body's not going to take off on you.

• 9:05Dr. John Delony?

  And any date you go on in the future, you're not gonna leave an unattended drink. You just never are.

• 9:12Dr. John Delony?

  And none of it should, but you particularly are never gonna do that again. You're not gonna get back to a time when you could just go run to the bathroom with a stranger at your table. You're not gonna do that.

• 9:24Dr. John Delony?

  And that's okay. That's wise. That's wisdom. That's learning. I wish you didn't have to learn that lesson like you learned it, but that's learning. You get what I'm saying?

• 9:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do. And that fear, that anxiety has caused me to miss out on weddings, dates since then, it's...

• 9:41Dr. John Delony?

  Bro, you're 30 days. You're 30 days.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:44Dr. John Delony?

  It's okay.

• 9:47Dr. John Delony?

  It's a bummer, and it's grief, and it's the shrapnel from this type of assault. It's evil on every, every level. Every level, dude.

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  But what I'm afraid is gonna happen to you, and maybe already is happening, is I can't go to the wedding, or I wanna go to this wedding, and I start getting dressed, and my body's like, "We're not going to the wedding." And then you feel like a loser, and you feel embarrassed, and then you go back to, "I'm a six-foot dude, and this five-foot-nothing, four-foot-nine woman took this..." Like, you go back to a shame spiral. This wasn't your fault.

• 10:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 10:34Speaker 00

  And so, part of me understands that and recognizes that. And where I'm really struggling is, you know, as I look back at the events and some of the things that unfolded, right, I feel like there were signs that normally I pick up on, and I'm having a very difficult time giving myself the grace, like you were talking about before. And that's a large part of where I'm struggling. I don't know what the next right move is in order to start giving myself the grace. And to start... Yeah, I am working with a therapist,

• 11:09Speaker 00

  as of a couple of weeks ago, once I came to realize what actually happened and not what this woman told me had happened. I'm just...

• 11:17Dr. John Delony?

  Trust is not an intellectual...

• 11:18Speaker 00

  I wish I could feel some forward progress.

• 11:20Dr. John Delony?

  Trust... Dude, you're just two weeks in, man.

• 11:24Dr. John Delony?

  The fact that you make this call tells me you're progressing.

• 11:28Dr. John Delony?

  The fact that you can say the word rape and assault out loud tells me you're on a healing path.

• 11:36Dr. John Delony?

  But the disorientation you feel, the inability to even trust yourself, and then the freak out that I can't even trust me? How did I miss this? What did I do? Yeah. That is sexual assault 101. Victims look in the mirror and say, this must have been my fault.

• 11:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And that's why I'm gonna, I want you to hear in my voice every time you have that thought. It's not your fault, man.

• 12:06Dr. John Delony?

  We have a weird, we have a psychology for when somebody stabs us in the back.

• 12:12Dr. John Delony?

  We don't, and I'm gonna say we shouldn't have a psychology for when somebody stabs us right in the face.

• 12:21Dr. John Delony?

  It just hurts, man.

• 12:26Dr. John Delony?

  But your disorientation, your I should haves, I can't believe I missed, all of that is sexual assault victim 101.

• 12:34Dr. John Delony?

  What did I do?

• 12:40Dr. John Delony?

  It's not your fault.

• 12:46Dr. John Delony?

  And hear me say, I cannot even tell you how proud of you I am that you're saying these things out loud, that you've gone to see a counselor, that you're not, you're, you're walking directly through the embarrassment and the shame that most guys our size would feel like, this is supposed to happen to me. Right? You're walking right through it. But you're two weeks in, man.

• 13:14Dr. John Delony?

  If you keep on this path and not just go into a therapist, hopefully I'm just talking about it and talking about it and talking about it, but you're gonna begin practicing these things. And you're, and by the way, here's what practice will look like over time. I'm gonna learn some self calming techniques, some breathing techniques, some movements, some tapping, some move my foot, some clinching of my calf muscle. I'm gonna learn a few things that when my bodies, my nervous system goes to go to fight or flight, I'm gonna be able to go, no, no, no, we're here, we're here right now. We're here.

• 13:47Dr. John Delony?

  I would tell you mine, but I don't want people taking what I do, because my body does this too. I don't want to tell people what mine is, because everybody's unique, and I don't want people to start trying the thing I'm doing. And then you're gonna start practicing these things in micro little doses. I'm gonna go out to a restaurant by myself, I'm gonna order an appetizer, I'm gonna order a Diet Coke, and I'm gonna sit there, I'm gonna drink it, I'm gonna feel my body going to war on my behalf. And then I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna count that as a little win. It's a little win. I'm gonna do it again. Or I'm gonna get to the restaurant, my body's gonna be like, "Nope, not today, we're not going in there, cool, I'm out."

• 14:27Dr. John Delony?

  Or I'm gonna go with a close trusted friend of mine. And I'll tell you, there is healing on the other side of this, if you just keep walking. And you can't walk alone, and you can't intellectualize this. And what I mean by that is, you're not gonna be able to sit at home and be like, "I need to trust myself." So just trust hard. That's just not how trust works. Trust is like confidence. It's something that you get through adversity and experience. And so you're back at square one. And it will move fast. The trust in yourself will move faster than you think it does. The trust in other people will take longer than you think it does.

• 15:11Dr. John Delony?

  But I hate this for you, man. With all my guts, I hate it for you.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  Thank you. Thank you. So what would you recommend as the next right move forward?

• 15:25Dr. John Delony?

  The next right move forward is sitting down with the person that you've already developed a therapeutic relationship, and saying, "I want to actively engage in trauma-informed therapy for the purpose of healing. I want to be able to go on a date again someday, with joy in my heart, not fear in my soul. I want to learn to trust myself again, because this person severed my trust in me."

• 16:06Dr. John Delony?

  The other thing I would do is I would keep a journal with you at all times.

• 16:12Dr. John Delony?

  I still keep one, it's in my bag, right here underneath the desk that I'm sitting at. And it's just a stories journal. The stories that pop into my head. Everything from this person did that, to I'm a loser, to I'm weak, to whatever it is, whatever it is. I keep it with me and I write it down. And I'm telling you, over time, over months and over years, the stories get kinder and kinder and less and less. But occasionally, there's some barn burners in there. But I get that stuff out of my body onto a piece of paper so I can look at it.

• 16:50Dr. John Delony?

  There's not going to be a going back, there's going to be a going forward. Or there could be a standing still. I'm going to recommend going forward, but I'm also going to recommend going forward slowly. Because the world as you knew it, this world where you bebop through it and you go on dates and you meet people and you don't have a fear or care in the world, that world doesn't exist anymore. So let's honor that reality. Now we're going to rebuild something stronger, arguably more beautiful. We're going to rebuild a new world, a new life, that's going to be wise and prudent, but also not fearful.

• 17:23Dr. John Delony?

  And one that we trust ourselves and we begin to trust others, but we also trust others with wisdom and with care.

• 17:34Dr. John Delony?

  But right now, you're just a few weeks out, man. It's time to grieve and be sad. It's time to miss the wedding and give yourself some grace.

• 17:42Dr. John Delony?

  It's time to say, hey, I gotta leave the gym today, I'm going home.

• 17:47Dr. John Delony?

  Not beat yourself up, but just know, we'll go get them tomorrow, but not today. That's healing.

• 17:55Dr. John Delony?

  That's healing.

• 17:57Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I hate it. I hate assault. I hate it more than anything, dude. I'm sorry this happened, my brother. Thank you for honoring me with a call. Hang on the line, I'm going to send you Building an Unanxious Life. This will not be your tool to therapy healing, okay? It's not going to, but it will be a path to a life where your environment can begin to have the alarm sounds go down a little bit. But right now, your alarm should be ringing. It should be.

• 18:26Dr. John Delony?

  Because you had the floor ripped out from under you. I'm sorry. Thanks for the call, brother. Call me anytime.

• 18:33Dr. John Delony?

  Next right move is sit with that therapist and say, I'm ready.

• 18:37Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go face the dragon. When we come back, a woman asks how she should show integrity to her husband after confessing to an old affair. We'll be right back.

• 18:49Dr. John Delony?

  All right, gang. Big news. If you've listened to this show for any period of time, you know that I place an enormous weight on the importance of sleep and I've been honest about my struggles with sleep over the years. I'm thrilled to announce that I've joined forces with the makers of the best sleep solution that I've ever found. My friends at Beam have their amazing nighttime dream powder. Beam's nighttime dream powder is amazing. It can dramatically improve your sleep and change your life. Beam's nighttime dream powder mixes into water or milk. I mix mine into almond or flax milk right before bed. It's super clean. There's no synthetic junk, no weird chemicals. Just drink it and you will head off into a night of deep restorative sleep. And here's the kicker. I wake up sharp, not groggy.

• 19:33Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:15Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:00Dr. John Delony?

  They make incredible holiday gifts and they always, always sell out before December. Montana Knife Company does limited runs and so you gotta get them while you can. Give the outdoorsman and the cook in your life knives they'll actually use and pass down someday. Go to MontanaKnifeCompany.com to see what's available right now. That's MontanaKnifeCompany.com. Let's go out to Fargo, North Dakota and talk to Marie. What's up, Marie?

• 21:29Speaker 03

  Not much, John Deloney. Just living the dream.

• 21:33Dr. John Delony?

  That usually means your life's not that much of a dream right now. How are we doing?

• 21:38Speaker 03

  All right.

• 21:40Dr. John Delony?

  All right. What's going on? How can I pull up a seat? Let's figure it out. What's going on?

• 21:46Speaker 03

  All right. So my question today is, how can I live with integrity after confessing to my husband that I had an affair three and a half years ago?

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm. Tell me all about it.

• 21:59Speaker 03

  Um, so we got married when we were 20 and he kind of became like a child once we got married, like stopped doing all the things that we did when we were dating. Um, so I was kind of very lonely. He was in the military, so he would leave for deployments. And on one of the deployments, when we, um, moved, I was alone for a while and, um, I ended up getting into this wild affair with one of like my old friends from high school. And it lasted two years after he came back.

• 22:38Speaker 03

  I had a kid with my husband in between that time and I decided that I didn't want to be with the guy that I was in an affair with. So I ended up breaking it off. And I told him, I told my husband that I had an emotional affair with him because I was really worried that he would become like physically violent and potentially go after the guy that I ended up having an affair with. So I just kinda kept it quiet and three and a half years later, my husband asked me last month, hey, was it actually an emotional affair? And I figured now was the best time to be clean and live with integrity. So I told him

• 23:22Speaker 03

  and um, now it's just been trying to work through it. So I don't really know what to do, John.

• 23:33Dr. John Delony?

  I gotta say, I don't think you're living with integrity yet. Can I tell you why?

• 23:39Dr. John Delony?

  I know it's hard to hear. I'm just telling you because I love you. Um, I don't think you're there yet. Here's why. Your first question you asked me is how do I live with integrity after an affair? And I asked you what happened? And the first one, two, three, four things you told me about was something your husband did four years ago.

• 24:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:06Dr. John Delony?

  Living with integrity, the root word of integrity, it's integer, it's whole. I'm complete. And that wholeness and completeness for anybody starts with ownership.

• 24:22Dr. John Delony?

  And so it starts with this idea, not that he started acting like a child and he stopped doing those things and then he went to serve our country and left me. And so then this thing just kinda happened. Ownership after infidelity is, I don't care what environment I was in, I chose to sleep and have sex with somebody else that I wasn't married to.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's the root of the integrity you're seeking here. Disclosure can even be a vomiting. In fact, sometimes disclosure can be, "I've been carrying around this weight inside my house. I'm a mother, I'm a wife. Everywhere we go, people slap my husband on the back and say, 'Thank you for your service,'" whatever, and sometimes disclosure can be, "I'm carrying this cinder block around. I'm throwing it at you. Here's what I did. You carry it now."

• 25:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  I feel like that's what I did, and I feel like I'm just weighing him down at this point.

• 25:27Dr. John Delony?

  I think you gotta take full ownership.

• 25:32Dr. John Delony?

  Because it didn't trick you that you married somebody in the military who was gonna get deployed.

• 25:37Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't know anybody who doesn't get married and have things that were happening before they got married suddenly shift and change, regardless of gender, regardless of role or age. And that's part of being married, is figuring those things back out. Like, "Hey, we used to go on dates. Hey, we used to make out all the time. Hey, you used to not play video games so much," like, whatever the things are. And we figure those things out together.

• 25:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:59Dr. John Delony?

  But I think integrity is you looking in the mirror at you and saying, "I became somebody that I didn't want to be."

• 26:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I broke it off, like, and I feel like we are in a better place now. And now he tells me that he's going to be gone for, like, another three months. And I'm worried that he is just going to be worrying about me and my kids and if I'm going to do something again.

• 26:33Dr. John Delony?

  He is, and he should, he should. He is, and he's going to.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  I want to be able to, like, like, what can I do to show him that I have changed?

• 26:46Dr. John Delony?

  I think the first place to start is not with the disclosure of an act. The first thing is to disclose his ownership.

• 26:54Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 26:57Dr. John Delony?

  You know what, when we sat down and talked, I told you that when we got married, you stopped doing this and you stopped doing that and you started doing these things and then you left me. I need to take all that back. Here's the truth. I cheated on my husband.

• 27:14Dr. John Delony?

  I looked you in the eye at some altar somewhere, some courthouse somewhere, and I said till death do us part and I violated that. And I'm deeply, deeply sorry. And then there's just a long pause.

• 27:31Dr. John Delony?

  And I think taking full the depth, right? And I think sometimes we can't go there because we don't, this is gonna sound nutty, like I'm changing sides now. It feels like I'm on his side of the table and I'm coming back to your side of the table. When any of us finds ourselves doing things, watching things, and I'm not talking about just like sex stuff, I'm talking about like scrolling social media and there's crazy perspectives on things. They're just a little bit further away than what we normally thought and we find ourselves going, yeah, and then yeah. We have to create a psychological bubble around ourselves that makes our actions okay.

• 28:12Dr. John Delony?

  Because it's really hard when we are doing things, whether we're watching things, doing things, spending things, sleeping with somebody else, it's really hard to deal with that cognitive dissonance. So to remain the person that we can like go to bed with ourselves, we create this bubble that's like, it's because of them and because of that and because of this and it's just bursting that bubble and saying, nope, I became somebody that I'm really grossed out by. I became somebody that blamed and pointed fingers and I'm not gonna be that person anymore.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:55Dr. John Delony?

  The next step there is...

• 29:00Dr. John Delony?

  Opening your hands and saying, "I'm all in on you." You said kids plural, so have you all had another kid since then?

• 29:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:09Dr. John Delony?

  "I want to be your wife." "I want to be the, an amazing mother of your kids." And he gets to, as the guy who got cheated on, gets to create the path

• 29:22Dr. John Delony?

  and say, "This is what it's going to take for me to trust you again." "Are you in?"

• 29:28Dr. John Delony?

  And that might mean, I've seen things like no phones, I've seen things like, "I want, I want one of those apps that lets me see who you're texting, I want all your passwords, um, I want us to share a checking account." Like, I, I've seen all kinds of things, and then you get to decide, "Do I want to be married to this guy?"

• 29:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:46Dr. John Delony?

  And he, there's not a thing in the world you can do after this disclosure that's going to give him peace while he's gone for three months. He's gonna worry about it, he's gonna think about it. You trying to solve that for him, that's a fool's errand, you can't do that.

• 30:01Dr. John Delony?

  It's just gonna, it's gonna be a thing you're gonna have to metabolize.

• 30:07Dr. John Delony?

  But asking, "What does a path back to trust look like?"

• 30:13Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm all in.

• 30:15Dr. John Delony?

  And if he asks you to do something crazy, like you're not allowed to leave the house, and you gotta chain yourself to the front doorstep, like, you get to choose whether I'm in on this or not, right?

• 30:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:27Speaker 03

  Don, I'm just so scared of being lonely again.

• 30:30Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know.

• 30:33Dr. John Delony?

  Can I ask you a, a, a really deep, personal question?

• 30:38Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 30:39Dr. John Delony?

  As a brand-new wife, whose husband then takes off, gets deployed,

• 30:47Dr. John Delony?

  did sleeping with an old friend make you feel less lonely?

• 30:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, it did.

• 30:53Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 30:56Speaker 03

  It was just, I, I've been with him since before I could drive a car and we'd been together for so long and he was just attached at the hip and then just to have him gone, it just, it felt like I couldn't cope, just day in and day out of coming home alone and being alone. And

• 31:20Dr. John Delony?

  No, here's what I'm asking you. No, I get that. I get, I get the, the, the momentary time, right? You're with somebody, they tell you you're beautiful, or they may not tell you anything, but they act and that, that act feels like I'm being loved in this moment or I'm less alone.

• 31:34Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 31:35Dr. John Delony?

  But take yourself back to the drive home.

• 31:41Dr. John Delony?

  When y'all meet up somewhere and you're driving yourself back to the place where you share with your husband.

• 31:48Dr. John Delony?

  Was that not a lonely drive?

• 31:52Speaker 03

  It was a dreadful drive.

• 31:55Dr. John Delony?

  Was not getting in the shower y'all share and getting out of the shower and getting into the bed y'all share, was that not lonely?

• 32:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:06Speaker 03

  I, sometimes I would just sleep in my car instead because I couldn't stand it.

• 32:11Dr. John Delony?

  That's it. That's what I'm, that's what I'm getting at. So here's what I want to say.

• 32:15Dr. John Delony?

  That particular Xanax you tried to use, you tried to take to make yourself feel better because your home was empty, because your husband was out. And, and if we get to beneath it, there's probably some fear, something's going to happen to him, he can get hurt, he can get killed. There's all kinds of different things spinning out. The Xanax you used, which is to run to the arms of somebody else, amplified the hurt and the pain, even if it made it go away for a second.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 32:42Dr. John Delony?

  And so, the, you're gonna feel lonely when he leaves again because you love him and you miss him.

• 32:49Dr. John Delony?

  Because dealing with two little kids is chaotic and awful and all those things. It's joyful too, but it's a mess.

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  And you might be scared depending on what he's doing, where he's getting deployed, he's going to get hurt, someone's going to try to hurt him, etc. All that's real, it's saying, okay, what is an effective?

• 33:08Dr. John Delony?

  Not Band-Aid, but what's an effective way to do live with this man that I chose to marry? And that that man I chose to marry gets deployed a lot. Off the top of my head, it is you going right now and connecting with a whole bunch of girlfriends that y'all can go do stuff on a regular basis. Young moms you can have to your house. People that will come over and watch TV shows and bring half-eaten casseroles because that's all they have in their fridge and y'all laugh and hang out and do things together.

• 33:37Dr. John Delony?

  It takes a lot more work than just scrolling right and connecting with an old flame and driving across town and having a fling and coming home and not being able to sleep in your own house.

• 33:56Speaker 03

  I'll try.

• 33:57Dr. John Delony?

  Do you want to be married to him?

• 34:03Speaker 03

  I don't know, John.

• 34:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. You need to answer that question.

• 34:08Dr. John Delony?

  All along this call, that's been nagging at me.

• 34:12Speaker 03

  I want my kids to have a happy family.

• 34:15Dr. John Delony?

  That's not the answer.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  And handle somebody who comes and goes.

• 34:29Dr. John Delony?

  You need to go sit with him and be honest about that. That's integrity.

• 34:35Dr. John Delony?

  That would have been a conversation that would have been better to have before y'all got married, but here we are.

• 34:40Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. He told me that he was going to do a three-year and then quit the military. So I thought I could handle it for three years. And then every single time he re-upped and I always have no opinion on the matter, even though I tell him that I see why he re-upped and we see the money and we see the benefits of military and I still don't want him to do it and it's not my decision.

• 35:11Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and that's him living with integrity. That when he got married and looked at you and says, "Till death do us part," that we make decisions together.

• 35:27Dr. John Delony?

  And there's an integrity there too about, "I thought we had a deal and every year I'm sobbing and you go violate what I thought was a pretty firm commitment that we made to each other." Doesn't excuse my actions in any way, shape, form, or fashion, but it provides a context for neither of us trust each other right now.

• 35:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:51Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm not saying he doesn't need to re-up every time, but I am saying if you get married, you sit down with your spouse and you say, "What are we gonna do in this upcoming season? Who are we gonna be?"

• 36:06Dr. John Delony?

  And do you see how this gets in a sick dance where every time he's home, you're unhappy? And he knows you're keeping secrets and he knows there's some darkness in the closet? And man, he is really successful in his military job and it's just, "I don't know anywhere else where I can be successful. I can't be successful at home. I can't be successful with this woman I've known for years and years and years since we were kids. I can be successful over here. I'm gonna pull that lever because at least I can provide for my family." I get that dance and then he goes and pulls the lever and that makes you more uncomfortable and more upset and more sad and more, "I don't like my life. I don't like what I'm doing. I don't have an outlet." And it just gets in this dance. You've heard me say this once. You've heard me say this

• 36:51Dr. John Delony?

  10,000 times on this show. Somebody's gotta turn the lights on and turn the music off of this marriage and just exhale and say, "Okay, here we are." But your first question to me is, "How do I be a person of integrity after an affair, especially one I've lied about for years and years?" It is exhaling and becoming whole. Taking full ownership of your actions and then saying, "How can I re-establish trust with you?" And being a person of integrity is, "I'm gonna keep no more secrets." And so another secret is, "I've lost trust in you and I don't know if I can do this marriage anymore."

• 37:28Dr. John Delony?

  And then at some point, he might have to choose between re-upping again, or this marriage he's committed to.

• 37:35Dr. John Delony?

  If that becomes your or what moment. I can't make any of these decisions for you. I'm just laying these things out on the table that are already on the table. Y'all just don't want to talk about them.

• 37:45Dr. John Delony?

  And then you owe it to yourself, to your children, to your husband, to your life, to go sit with somebody and ask, why, when I look in the mirror, am I so ashamed and so grossed out and so un-in love with the person I see? Because that story's a lie. It's not true.

• 38:05Dr. John Delony?

  I'm grateful for the call, sister. You call me anytime and I'll pull up a seat and sit with you. But I think it starts with you sitting with your husband. And 30 days after you kind of put it all out there. And by the way, if there's anything else you haven't told him, all of that needs to be on the table. But say, hey, I want to run back that first time I told you. I want to run it all the way back. And we'll start over with me taking full ownership of me.

• 38:27Dr. John Delony?

  And if he's a man of character, hopefully he'll take ownership of him. And then we can move forward with the hard, hard conversations that need to be had. All right, sister, thank you for the call. You call me anytime and I'll be here. We'll be right back.

• 38:41Dr. John Delony?

  We talk a lot on this show about boundaries, emotional, relational, financial boundaries. But there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about. The boundaries around your digital life. Right now, your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school, that kind of information is sitting on countless, gnarly websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have that information, but it's out there. And let's be honest, it's not just annoying or frustrating. It's violating. That constant exposure creates anxiety that just hums in the background of your life, always wondering who has what about you. Something always feels off. And that's why I use Delete Me. Delete Me goes after the data brokers and people finder sites that collect and resell your information.

• 39:26Dr. John Delony?

  They track down your info, they remove it. And every few months, Delete Me will send you a report showing you exactly what they've done for you. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries. And boundaries are about peace. Go to joindelete.me/deloney and use code DELONY to get 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N. Joindelete.me/deloney to save 20% off.

• 39:52Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Let's talk to Rachel. What's up, Rachel?

• 39:58Speaker 04

  Hi, Dr. Jean. Thanks for taking my call.

• 40:00Dr. John Delony?

  You got it. What's up?

• 40:02Speaker 04

  So my question today is, how can I be a supportive co-parent when the morals, values, and beliefs are completely different between our households?

• 40:12Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 40:14Speaker 04

  So I think ultimately it comes down to, um, the three big differences are religion, money, and discipline.

• 40:24Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, those three little old things. That's it?

• 40:27Speaker 04

  Yeah. Well, well, yeah, those are the big ones at least, right?

• 40:30Dr. John Delony?

  Wow.

• 40:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, so little backstory. Uh, we've been divorced for about three years. I have since remarried. Um, and ever since we, I remarried, I'm, ex-husband is, does not like how we run our house. And I'm finding it kind of difficult on how do we not compromise on our values and beliefs and kind of handle the whole co-parenting and all of that.

• 41:04Dr. John Delony?

  What, what are his concerns? What is, when he looks at how his children are being raised in another household with another man, co-parenting them, what does he not like about it?

• 41:14Speaker 04

  Um, I think a lot of it comes down to our parenting styles and we have a very more structured house. Um, and you know, we go to church every Sunday and there's consequences for our actions, some good, some bad. Um, and typically that ends in like a book long text message from him about how he won't allow this.

• 41:40Dr. John Delony?

  What, what are the things, though? You just gave me like a high level thing. What are the things he's saying I will not allow? He won't allow his kids to go to church? He won't allow his kids to be, have consequences?

• 41:49Speaker 04

  He, ah, so going to the religion one, let's just start there. Um, when I got married, we started taking our son to, um, my hu- now husband's church. And it is a different denomination. It's still Christian.

• 42:08Speaker 04

  Ex-husband does not go to church at all, but he said that he would not allow it. Um, even tried, you know, bringing this up in court.

• 42:17Dr. John Delony?

  They say take you to court. I mean, even my most, even my most like,

• 42:23Dr. John Delony?

  like friends that I love dearly, love, love dearly. They're like, I call them like comic atheists. Like they're, they're not even, they, they're not even agnostic. They're like, they, they even they see, I mean, there's, there's documented literature, there's scientific literature, there's value in a structure of going to church every week. So, I mean, even they're like not, it's, I can't argue that it's not a good thing. I don't agree with anything that's being said in that building. I think it's all nonsense and fairy tales. But of course, like getting up and going is not a bad thing.

• 42:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, I, I, I agree completely.

• 42:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:55Speaker 04

  Um.

• 42:56Dr. John Delony?

  So if he, here's the thing, if he doesn't like it, he could take you to court. There's a, there's a process for that.

• 43:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, and he has.

• 43:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 43:02Speaker 04

  Um.

• 43:02Dr. John Delony?

  What'd the court say?

• 43:04Speaker 04

  They would not, uh, rule on it.

• 43:06Dr. John Delony?

  Of course they would.

• 43:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly. Um, but like that was a really big thing for a hot minute and how, you know, it, it ultimately comes down to there's just tension between us and, and.

• 43:20Dr. John Delony?

  It is, this, this happens sometimes, and I'm seeing it happen more and more actually, which surprises me and I'm happy about it. I wish it could, I could be happier that it happened before divorce actually goes through the court system and a family's broken up. But where people are being mature and having hard conversations, exes are sitting down and saying, okay, I don't like you, you don't like me, we didn't make this thing work, but we have, uh, it's important for our kids.

• 43:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  Are y'all able to sit down and have a conversation or no?

• 43:52Speaker 04

  No.

• 43:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 43:53Speaker 04

  No.

• 43:53Dr. John Delony?

  Then, here's the thing.

• 43:56Dr. John Delony?

  Then he doesn't get a vote. Y'all are divorced. As long as you are honoring those children and not abusing those children and raising them in the way that you know, and your new spouse knows is the most loving whole way we can treat these kids.

• 44:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:17Dr. John Delony?

  And regardless of the 15-page text messages that we get, we're never going to talk ill of their dad.

• 44:23Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 44:24Dr. John Delony?

  We're just gonna go through life doing the things that we, that are, living out our values. Cause if your values were aligned, y'all wouldn't have got divorced.

• 44:33Speaker 04

  I agree.

• 44:34Dr. John Delony?

  Right, so in that regard, he doesn't get a vote. And if he does want to try to assert a vote, he can go to court. There's a system for that.

• 44:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:43Dr. John Delony?

  My question for you is, if y'all can't sit down and have a conversation like adults, and one or both of you is gonna choose to lob grenades back and forth via text message,

• 44:56Dr. John Delony?

  why is that still bothering you? You've married somebody else. You have a new husband. You've moved on.

• 45:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, I...

• 45:04Dr. John Delony?

  Why is that man still getting a vote in your life?

• 45:08Speaker 04

  I don't know. I'm currently working through it in therapy.

• 45:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 45:11Speaker 04

  But I think a lot of it brings up a lot of fear and anxiety.

• 45:17Dr. John Delony?

  Why? Tell me about it. I shouldn't say why. That was too abrupt. Tell me about why. Tell me about the fear and the anxiousness.

• 45:25Speaker 04

  Um, that'll, that it'll end up back in court.

• 45:29Dr. John Delony?

  Let me just, let me, like, so fear is a thing. I, I'm worried that thing is gonna happen. Anxiousness is worrying in the present about a thing that might happen in the future. Let me clear the deck for you. You will end up back in court. Ah, right?

• 45:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:44Dr. John Delony?

  That's not a thing you can avoid.

• 45:46Speaker 04

  Right.

• 45:47Dr. John Delony?

  If you have somebody that took you to court because you want to take your kids to church on Sunday morning, I promise you, you're gonna end up in court over other things.

• 45:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:57Dr. John Delony?

  And so trying to live every minute, every second to not end up in court, it doesn't keep you out of court. It just ruins your day.

• 46:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:05Dr. John Delony?

  It ruins your new marriage. It ruins your relationship with your children. And they absorb that tension. And like most kids in divorce, they think that they had something to do with it. They think this is their fault.

• 46:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, we, we do our best, you know, to, to make sure that he knows that he's loved and we don't talk about it unless he has a question. Um, and even then, we keep it very neutral and, and vague, um, in our house, but...

• 46:40Speaker 04

  The transition days between houses are really difficult.

• 46:46Dr. John Delony?

  They're difficult if you allow another man to have a vote into your life.

• 46:51Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 46:53Dr. John Delony?

  And I know that sounds so trivial and pedantic. It just sounds like I'm mocking you. I'm not. Okay?

• 47:00Speaker 04

  Sure. Yeah.

• 47:01Dr. John Delony?

  When somebody cuts me off in traffic,

• 47:06Dr. John Delony?

  that's not personal. It has nothing to do with me. But God almighty, dude, my body feels like, dude, you did that to me, right? And I get to choose the story I make up that moves, that goes from there. I get to make it up.

• 47:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:25Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna do my best to practice choosing the story that helps me be the dad and the citizen and the American and the neighbor and the husband that's gonna give me the best life possible and my community the best life possible. And that means I'm gonna make up when I get cut off and I exhale and that dude turns on and flips me off and then slows down real fast.

• 47:48Dr. John Delony?

  Instantly in that moment, I got two choices. Oh, you wanna, you wanna dance, buddy? You wanna, like, you wanna pull over on the side of the road? I'm happy to oblige. That can be one story, or the other story is I can slow down too.

• 48:02Dr. John Delony?

  I can, I can nod. I can say my bad, even if it wasn't my bad. I can go on about my life.

• 48:10Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, 'cause I promise you this, I have a better life than that person does. I guarantee you I do.

• 48:17Dr. John Delony?

  I guarantee it. I remember somebody asked Jaco, the famous Navy SEAL, you know, that guy is, he's like a world-class, we'll be known jujitsu player, like, uh, the, like, the tough guy's tough guy's tough guy, right? And somebody asked him, like, hey, what happens if somebody steps to you in a bar?

• 48:33Dr. John Delony?

  And he's like, I'd probably reach over and buy him a beer and then go find another place to hang out with my friends. And they're like, you would just leave, let him dishonor you? And he's like, why is that dishonoring me? I clearly have a better life than that guy does.

• 48:45Speaker 04

  Right. Yeah.

• 48:46Dr. John Delony?

  I don't have anything to prove to you.

• 48:49Dr. John Delony?

  I'm wondering if, deep down, there is still a conversation you're asking yourself, which is, why did, why wasn't I good enough for that marriage the first time?

• 49:01Speaker 04

  I don't really know if that's the maybe.

• 49:06Dr. John Delony?

  Or what is it about you? I don't know. I'm fishing. You're throwing stuff at the wall. I guess at the end of the day, here's the deal. Let's just be real practical here. I know sometimes I talk too high level. Give me an example of a bad drop off and let's just run it back.

• 49:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, um. It was about Christmas time, I believe. And

• 49:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, that was, that was what, eight months ago?

• 49:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, something like that.

• 49:35Dr. John Delony?

  That's still in your, that's still like burrowing into your nervous system?

• 49:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:41Dr. John Delony?

  How many drop offs have y'all had since then?

• 49:44Speaker 04

  Um. We typically do like transitions at school hours, so.

• 49:52Dr. John Delony?

  But you've had, you've had multiple, you've had dozens of drop offs, right?

• 49:56Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 49:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Why is this one? On a, on a data trend, I'm making up a number. If you have a hundred good drop offs and one ugly one nine months ago, why is that one ugly one still ruining your day now in Halloween?

• 50:11Speaker 04

  Um, he just started yelling at me in front of the kid, our son, and

• 50:17Dr. John Delony?

  What was he yelling about?

• 50:20Speaker 04

  Um.

• 50:23Speaker 04

  About how I don't communicate and he doesn't have to listen to me about the time or what we had previously agreed on. And called me selfish. And I just said, I'm not doing this conversation here. Um, in front of, in front of our kid.

• 50:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 50:46Speaker 04

  And I got in the car and left. Um, after that, but it was just completely unwarranted and I, I have a very selfless, uh, job. And so it always kind of hits home

• 51:03Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 51:03Speaker 04

  when we use those words.

• 51:07Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm gonna do something that sounds nutty, okay?

• 51:11Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 51:12Dr. John Delony?

  And feel free to be mad at me. This isn't exercise. This isn't truth, okay?

• 51:17Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 51:18Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna put myself in his shoes.

• 51:21Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 51:23Dr. John Delony?

  This woman I married and made this amazing, beautiful kid with,

• 51:28Dr. John Delony?

  she's moved on. She's with another guy now.

• 51:32Dr. John Delony?

  And around Christmas time, I only get to see my kid this much time.

• 51:38Dr. John Delony?

  And somewhere buried in y'all's relationship was a good Christmas, somewhere.

• 51:45Dr. John Delony?

  And there's a realization, this is gonna be the rest of my freaking life.

• 51:52Dr. John Delony?

  And I see this woman that I have not been able to be reflective enough like I should. And I just see her and I throw all this at her. The next 16 years of me only being able to see my kid on the holidays on a few days.

• 52:07Dr. John Delony?

  And I act like a child. I just blow it.

• 52:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, I just like, our son doesn't need to see that.

• 52:18Dr. John Delony?

  No, I'm not excusing a thing he did.

• 52:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 52:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:21Dr. John Delony?

  I'm just trying to get you into your car to shut the door and to exhale.

• 52:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:27Dr. John Delony?

  And not find sympathy,

• 52:30Dr. John Delony?

  but find a context. This is not about me.

• 52:34Speaker 04

  Yeah. Okay.

• 52:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's about a dad who's sad he can't see his son.

• 52:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:39Dr. John Delony?

  And once, nine months ago, he blew up. And by the way, the court would differ with some of the things he said. It's true. He doesn't have to listen to you. He doesn't, actually.

• 52:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:50Dr. John Delony?

  But the court's gonna decide the time, and the court's gonna decide the drop off. So he does, and that's a guy screaming and frustrated. I get it. And here's the thing, I'm not excusing what he did.

• 53:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:01Dr. John Delony?

  I'm trying to give you some healing paths so that nine months later, every drop off, you don't grip the steering wheel extra tight.

• 53:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:11Dr. John Delony?

  Because your child's the one's absorbing all that.

• 53:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:16Dr. John Delony?

  It's an exhaling and dropping my shoulders and thinking, that guy said he didn't get to see his son very often.

• 53:26Dr. John Delony?

  And he doesn't get to yell and scream at you. And if you need to go back to court, go back to court. I'm not saying let him be abusive or anything, nothing like that. Yeah. I'm just trying to say you choosing to be fearful and frustrated by a guy that won't talk to you, won't communicate with you, won't have breakfast with you on behalf of your son, won't do any of these things. How is he still impacting your day at this level?

• 53:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that at some point is like this idea, like you don't get a vote. You don't get a vote anymore.

• 53:56Dr. John Delony?

  And as your son gets older, make no mistake, he's probably gonna be the cool dad. He's gonna be the cool dad. And you're gonna constantly have to say,

• 54:08Dr. John Delony?

  "Yeah, dad doesn't believe in going to church. Oh, I think church is stupid. Dad says we don't have to go. I can't believe you make me go." I get that. I get that. As for our house, that's what we do on Sundays. Where we go. And my hope is y'all go to a church where your son will find peace. Will find acceptance. Will find people with wide open doors saying, "I don't care who you are, come on in." And his nervous system will tell him a different story over time.

• 54:36Dr. John Delony?

  If y'all go to a hateful, angry, frustrating church, your kid's gonna have that message reiterated by his dad. Be like, "That's not a place for you." And he'd be like, "Yeah, I get that." So hopefully.

• 54:52Dr. John Delony?

  "Dad lets me drink beer at home. Dad lets me stay up as late as I want to." I know. Yeah. Your dad's the fun dad. But as for us here, this is the way we're gonna do it. And I tell every parent this, when you get divorced, you go from wanting to win the week, wanting to have a great month, wanting to have a great year, to I want a 25-year-old young adult who looks back and says, "Oh, my gosh, my mom stuck to her values and loved me well."

• 55:22Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not trying to win the weekend and be the cool, crazy weekend. I'm gonna, when you're 25, when you're 30, I want you to look back and say, "I've got high, high respect for how my mom navigated that madness. How my stepdad kept showing up, kept showing up." And he married you, by the way. He married into, married a woman with a young son with a non-cooperative co-parent. He opted into that, so he's gonna have to have some extra thick skin.

• 55:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I just got hope and prayer for frustrated, sad, maybe acting immature dad that he'll come around and be like, hey, the best thing for my son is we play by the same rules. Probably not, but maybe, maybe.

• 56:04Dr. John Delony?

  But the refrain I keep in my mind often is when somebody does something to me, somebody I've cared about in the past, somebody a stranger I don't know is, somebody bombs me on direct message, tells me I'm this or that, I just exhale and say, they don't get a vote. My wife does. My close friends and family do. They don't get a vote.

• 56:24Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not going to let somebody else walk into my living room and ruin my day, piss on my furniture without my permission.

• 56:33Dr. John Delony?

  And I hate it for you, Rachel. Divorce sucks.

• 56:38Dr. John Delony?

  And after divorce, adults that can't sit down at a table, that's the worst too.

• 56:44Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Chester, thank you for the call. You call me anytime and I'll be here. We'll be right back.

• 56:50Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, this time of year can be tough for all of us. So I want you to make sure that you check on your friends, check on your loved ones, and reconnect with people that maybe you haven't talked to in a while. I recently called one of my childhood friends just to say, hey, I'm thinking about you. How are you doing? And we ended up having a great conversation that was hard, but we also laughed a little bit too. And just like it can take a little bit of courage to send that message or grab coffee with somebody that you haven't seen in a while, reaching out for therapy, reaching out to somebody who can sit with you and hold space for heavy, hard conversations, that can feel hard too, but it's worth it. If you want to try therapy, call my friends at BetterHelp.

• 57:33Dr. John Delony?

  With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. They've served over 5 million people globally, and they have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. It's totally online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend, checking in on a family member, or reaching out for a therapist, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Visit betterhelp.com/daloni to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash daloni.

• 58:19Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, we're back. Am I the problem, or are you?

• 58:22Speaker 02

  It's you, most definitely. However, in this case, this one is from Laura, and she writes, "Am I the problem for asking my brother to not bring his wife to family events? She was caught..."

• 58:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, yes. Go ahead.

• 58:37Speaker 02

  "She was caught cheating on him for the fourth time..."

• 58:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, maybe not.

• 58:40Speaker 02

  See? Gotta let me finish the story.

• 58:42Dr. John Delony?

  He needs to not... Okay, all right.

• 58:43Speaker 02

  "And my sister and I are just done with her and the pain that she's causing our family. He turns it back on us, accusing us of not being Christian and having loving and forgiving responses. Except, he expects us to make overtures to her, like phone calls or conversations when they are in town visiting our parents. It is stressful to our parents, but they want to maintain a relationship with him and the kids at any cost. Their kids are 15 and 10 and are very aware of what is happening, and while upset with their mom, they don't really understand the dynamics of how it affects everyone. So should we just let him make his own bed and keep the peace and the status and just keep with the status quo?"

• 59:28Dr. John Delony?

  Ahhhhh. I'm just gonna answer this direct. There comes a moment when, if you are my sister, my brother, my in-laws, my whoever, there comes a moment where your actions shift you to a person that is making my mother cry. You're a person that's hurting my brother, or my sister, or my dad, whoever. And I, being a person of character, will not sit by and be quiet when someone is in the... who's actively hurting my... someone I love and care about.

• 1:00:11Dr. John Delony?

  And so, yes, I would tell my brother, "This person is not welcome in my house." Not because I'm not a Christian, not because I'm not a forgiving person, but because I'm not gonna let someone who actively does violence to somebody I love here. If you choose to not be around, that's a choice you get to make. And I have to say, that's gonna be, um, uh, I have to know that that boundary I'm drawing may come at the cost of that relationship I have. But that relationship I think I have isn't real as it exists. It's both of us lying to each other, right? And so, um, I don't do well. Here's my rule.

• 1:00:54Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna be in the presence of somebody that I allow, this is a choice I make, I allow to make me violate my own values, which is I treat everybody with dignity and respect. And if I am of the, if I choose, uh, how do I wanna say that?

• 1:01:13Dr. John Delony?

  I'll just leave it there. So yeah, I would say, at this point, she's not welcome here. You're a person, she's a person, I know she's my sister-in-law, I know she's my whatever. She's a person that actively is committing violence to my emotional, relational violence to someone I love. And I'm gonna choose to not have them at my holiday. Because I'm not just gonna sit here and lie to everybody, right?

• 1:01:36Dr. John Delony?

  That's my, that's my gut feeling. What about you?

• 1:01:38Speaker 02

  I agree, totally. And if they go over to mom and dad's house, then she and her family have to decide if they're gonna go.

• 1:01:44Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. And my mom and dad, if they say, no, they're coming, great. Then I get to be a grown up and say, cool, I'm gonna sit this one out. I get to do that too. I'm a grown up.

• 1:01:55Dr. John Delony?

  And it's, yeah, I'll leave it at that. Um, I,

• 1:02:02Dr. John Delony?

  turning the other cheek doesn't mean be a punching bag. And turning the other cheek doesn't mean be a doormat. And I think we confuse those things. And there's a difference. Maybe that's for another show. Love you guys, bye.