Help, I'm Having Doubts About My Partner!

It's just us this week and we're breaking down a listener email about the relatable crisis of having doubts about your long-term partner. We discuss so many aspects of relationships and marriages -- marrying young (and what IS the optimal age to say I Do), not growing in the same direction as your partner, when your life is perfect on paper but you're unsettled, feeling like your partner isn't challenging or exciting enough, and even catching feelings for someone else. We also discuss the fear of the fallout after a breakup – friends, family, pets, a shared home, etc. – and how to navigate these tough decisions. Before we get into the topic, we're discussing where couples are supposed to sit (and not sit) on planes, Ashley shares a crazy story from a recent show, and Rayna has been having too much fun bossing a man around. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for live show tickets and more. Thank you to our partners this week: Function: Our first 1000 listeners get a $100 credit toward your membership at https://functionhealth.com/GGE or use code GGE100. Better Help: Get 10% off your first month at https://betterhelp.com/gge. Skims: Get our favorite bras and underwear at https://skims.com/gge. Saks Fifth Avenue: Head to Saks Fifth Avenue or saks.com for inspiring ways to elevate your personal style. Rocket Money: Cancel your unwanted subscriptions at https://rocketmoney.com/gge Helix: Get 25% off at https://helixsleep.com/gge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Rayna Greenberg?

  This whole quote unquote, "perfect life" is an illusion if you're not happy within it. You know, everybody else in the world can say to you, "It's hard out there. It's tough. You found a good person. Hang on to it." None of those people have to live your life for the next 40 years.

• 0:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  This podcast is a Dear Media production.

• 0:32Rayna Greenberg?

  Hi guys.

• 0:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hi guys.

• 0:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

• 0:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Just us today.

• 0:37Rayna Greenberg?

  It's a lot to celebrate. It's your special shooting week.

• 0:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I'm at the door?

• 0:43Rayna Greenberg?

  It's a big week.

• 0:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't believe it. It's a big week.

• 0:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I, while we're here, um, just, this is the last week of my tour. And I'm just having so many feelings about it and I can get into it after we thank our partners.

• 0:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, we can't.

• 0:59Rayna Greenberg?

  I have a thing.

• 0:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's a big week.

• 1:00Rayna Greenberg?

  I have a thing to say.

• 1:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 1:02Rayna Greenberg?

  All right. Well, we'll thank our partners. Don't cry yet. Okay.

• 1:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm gonna try to keep it in the box. It's a tough time. Okay. What's going on? Azul's in surgery.

• 1:11Rayna Greenberg?

  If you have to cry, go outside. I'll thank our partners.

• 1:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Let me go next door. Walk into the MAGA Wolf of Wall Street office, just start bursting into your, can a man help me?

• 1:21Rayna Greenberg?

  That'll snap you out of it. I ran Jeremy all around the city from yesterday speaking of, can a man help me? We walked into Whole Foods. I was like, get the cart, get the cart. And he just followed me and I was like, you don't need to come down this aisle. I'm just getting a bag of chips. You don't need to follow me down. I was, I love him so much, but I was like, this is so fun. And then I made him like, take everything out of the cart and I made him carry all the bags.

• 1:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  So funny. It's just really getting off on bossing a man around.

• 1:45Rayna Greenberg?

  And then.

• 1:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  You better get out of your system with him. Cause you, you get a boyfriend, you're gonna start bossing around. Just because you've been feeling the itch.

• 1:53Rayna Greenberg?

  I treat him right. I know. I made him go to the gas station with me and fill up all my tires while I sat in the car.

• 1:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Not the air in the tires.

• 2:01Rayna Greenberg?

  He did all my tires. And I, okay. So I wanted to ask you, do you think, okay, so him and I were like walking around. He had to push the cart, right? And I was just like putting stuff in the car and we were walking around. Like, I don't ever see like a woman pushing the cart. When there's like a couple, it's usually like the man.

• 2:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  At the grocery store?

• 2:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 2:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 2:16Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you think it's performative for other men? Do you think that they're just like, I am such a bitch if I let her push the cart?

• 2:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh my God.

• 2:22Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, let me ask, well, I'll tell you the other option. Cause I asked.

• 2:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  We rarely have a cart. Like, we don't have a family. We live by Whole Foods. We go get our stuff. We shop local at the farmer's market. When are we getting a cart? I think, I think he and I've gotten a cart once and I like to push the cart. He sits in the front.

• 2:41Rayna Greenberg?

  He's like a little baby.

• 2:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  His legs dangle. I push him around. I'm kidding. He sits in the cart.

• 2:47Rayna Greenberg?

  You guys just make out while you push him around?

• 2:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  We fuck in the cart.

• 2:50Rayna Greenberg?

  No, you're right. I don't think I've gotten a cart since Thanksgiving last year when I cooked Thanksgiving dinner, but

• 2:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 2:55Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, I had a man with me and I was just like, you gotta do this. And there was a bunch of stuff I wanted. I, I get giant jugs of iced coffee and I buy like six at a time.

• 3:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 3:04Rayna Greenberg?

  So I just have them in the fridge.

• 3:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  You got it with the cart. Yeah. I don't know how to answer that.

• 3:07Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, I'm done with my options for you.

• 3:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 3:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you think it's performative for other men? Cause other men would be like, he's such a bitch. Or I asked another man yesterday. I was like, what if you just saw a woman pushing a cart and a man just was just like meandering? He was like, I would think that guy has got it figured out.

• 3:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  I never thought of the cart as gendered responsibility. Yeah. Also, we're usually at the grocery store with Azul. We walk him over there. So someone's got a, if we have a cart, someone's got the cart. Someone's got the dog. Also, someone's going around getting stuff.

• 3:36Rayna Greenberg?

  So I'm the one that goes around and gets stuff.

• 3:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  And gets stuff. Yeah.

• 3:38Rayna Greenberg?

  So I'm not the cart pusher.

• 3:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Then maybe he is pushing the cart while I get stuff.

• 3:42Rayna Greenberg?

  That's I think more like it being gendered. Like I was like, obviously it was my little shopping trip, but like, yeah, I want to be like bopping around getting stuff.

• 3:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. Well, let's thank our partners. You guys let us know.

• 3:52Rayna Greenberg?

  All right. Now you stop crying.

• 3:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Your card habits.

• 3:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. Thank you to Function. Our first 1,000 listeners get a $100 credit towards your membership at functionhealth.com/gge or use the code GGE100 and BetterHelp. Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/gge. And Skims, get our favorite present underwear at skims.com/gge.

• 4:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  And thank you to Saks Fifth Avenue. Head to Saks Fifth Avenue or saks.com for inspiring ways to elevate your personal style. And Rocket Money, cancel your unwanted subscriptions at rocketmoney.com/gge. And thank you to Helix. Get 25% off at helixsleep.com/gge.

• 4:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so a couple of things. I added a Minneapolis show. Just I felt like it had to be done. People were in the DMs. So I am gonna be in Minneapolis. If you guys are listening on the Monday tomorrow. I added a 9pm show. So come out 9pm on a Tuesday. I'm sorry, it's not the most ideal time, but I promise you'll have an amazing time. And you know, maybe you'll be a little sleepy on Wednesday, but it'll be worth it. It's gonna be so fun. And I just can't wait to see you guys. The first show sold out, honestly, before I really even could announce it on the podcast. I just had announced it on my personal Instagram. So I wanted to add that. And I will be there at Acme Comedy Club. You guys can get those tickets.

• 5:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  ashess.com is my website. And then head to New York. And I am shooting my special on Saturday, this Saturday, October 11th. Two shows. The first is sold out. The second is not as of now. I highly recommend coming. Everyone will be there. Raina will be there. My fiance, my whole family.

• 5:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  And it's just, it's the huge moment in my life. I have worked so hard towards this. I'm so proud of it. I can't wait to show you guys what I'm wearing when I figure it out myself. It's been a journey. It's been such a journey. I don't know yet. So we'll see. It's, I just, I can't even, I don't want to get stressed while I'm speaking about it. So you guys can get tickets and I'll see you there. And I just, I don't know what else to say besides this is it. It's really happening. And I will wrap the tour the following night in Boston at the Wilbur, the grand finale. That is where I met my fiance. Obviously, this is the sex before marriage tour. It's a real full circle moment.

• 6:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  I met him at the Wilbur where I'm doing the show. And we love Boston, of course. And so it only felt right to end it there. And I feel so emotional about it because this has been such an incredible time in my life, doing these shows, going to all these cities, seeing you all in the audience, of course, reconnecting with friends on the road and doing this material that I feel so proud of. And just being in these rooms and laughing with you all during such a- Hard time in this country. And when I was planning this tour, I was like, shit is hitting the fan. I don't know what 2025 is gonna look like. I started thinking about it, planning it at the end of 2024. Yeah, end of 2024, I pulled the trigger on it, started thinking

• 7:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  about dates, working with Andrew, our agent, and then obviously first of the year, it all started to really come together. And I mean, it has been such a horrific year in so many ways. And I remember when I did my tour in 2022, and right after I wrapped, like, the summer run, and then I picked it back up in the fall. I was in DC, and I'd just done my shows there. And that's when they overturned Roe v. Wade. And I couldn't believe it. I mean, I remember where I was. We all remember where we were. Like, we couldn't believe this happened. This was so disturbing. And I remember thinking, like, I'm so glad my shows are over, because I don't know how I would have gotten on stage, feeling like this. And to be up there and telling jokes. And so I just remembered that feeling, and

• 7:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  was like, am I really gonna do a tour in 2025? Like, what is gonna happen? Every day, it's something terrifying and alarming. And this country is plunging into this authoritarianism, literally, like, how, what is gonna happen? What's gonna happen with women and immigrants and all these things? And every day, it's a new nightmare. And I'm supposed to get on stage and make people laugh. And I, I did it. I remember being in Pasadena, which is right down the street, when the ICE raids were happening here in LA. They're still happening, obviously, but State of emergency here? Yeah, when it was just, like, really, such a big deal happening here in LA. And

• 8:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  I was like, I, all day, I'm upset, I'm crying, I'm like, what can we do? And then I have to go tell jokes. And I said this before, that this was the thing I want to do in these times, is be together with mostly like-minded people that feel the same way, that just want an escape from what's happening, even for just an hour or two. And to feel like we're all in this together, and we can all be in a room and laugh during these dark times. And that has meant the world. And there have been days that I am like, I can't believe What's happening? I don't recognize this country. I'm so mad. I'm so sad and I have to go tell jokes. And that's what I did. And I'm so glad that I did. And it's just like,

• 9:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  I look back on 2022 like, oh, my God, that was terrible. But like, literally, we still had a democracy then. You know what I mean? And like, look at us now in 2025. And to do a comedy tour during all this, my point is like, it's just felt a little disjointed at times, but also meaningful in the best way and cathartic.

• 9:31Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, I'm proud of you. I love you. And I'll, I'm gonna save some of my comments about your tour and all this for next week after I watch you film the special. So I will, I'll hold my comments to that. But, you know, I think everybody just feels like, what can I do? And I think that if what you can provide to the world is some escapism, I think there's some real value in that. And I think it sometimes feels silly to be like, my wedding, are these dates I went on? And I'm not boiling your comedy down to that. But it feels maybe a little bit silly or not heavy enough, you know, because of what's happening in the world. But if what you can provide to the world is just an hour escape from what is happening in the world, then like, then you've done your job. You've made people smile and laugh. And I know people come here every week and listen to us talk about politics lately. And we want to be able to provide both to you on this show.

• 10:16Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, we want people to feel seen and heard. It's feeling braver and braver every week to talk about this stuff.

• 10:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 10:23Rayna Greenberg?

  But I also want you and I to provide escapism and insights and laughter to people. And we'll do that for the rest of this episode. We promise we're gonna pivot. But, you know, I'm just, I'm proud of you. And I know sometimes it feels like, am I really gonna fucking do this today? Like, sometimes the world, things happening in the world, I'm like, I have to do an Instagram story about these vibrators we sell?

• 10:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 10:41Rayna Greenberg?

  But like, I think pleasure is important. And I think orgasms are important. And connecting with your body and intimacy and connecting with your partner is also important. So I'm like, no, it isn't stupid. And sometimes people are like, how can you talk about this at a time like this? And it's like, well, sometimes the world just does need that.

• 10:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. What I was like, I feel like planning a comedy tour in this climate is, you know, being one of the violinists while the Titanic went down. Sometimes. And I feel like that some days even. I feel like that. I'm just like, we're on this sinking.

• 11:10Rayna Greenberg?

  You've been thinking that for a while?

• 11:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  I, I have.

• 11:12Rayna Greenberg?

  That's a great analogy.

• 11:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  I've thought it for a long time.

• 11:15Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, I think that you're really smart. And I'm like, look at your cute little analogy.

• 11:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  I've, I've thought it for a long time. I feel like we are in the band on a sinking ship. And you know, they just pack it up in that moment is just so heartbreaking because they're like, this is it. And I have felt like that for a long time. I had never seen it on the internet and I saw it kind of recently. And I was like, oh, we've, a lot of us feel like this. Like, so I was like, is it gonna feel like that? And again, also, I've been able to make a lot of jokes about the political climate, and especially when I was in DC. I mean, it feels like we're in this together. And sometimes what's happening is too dark to joke about, clearly. But you know, when I was in Pasadena and everything was going on, I was at the Ice House. I was like, what a name. Fuck this. I was like, I have a weird time to be named the Ice House.

• 12:03Rayna Greenberg?

  It just feels sometimes like, you know, there's all these projects you and I want to work on. And you and I have been talking about me doing my, my own thing. And sometimes I sit down to write and I'm like, am I really writing these dating app jokes at a time like this? And it's hard to like focus, but like, that is my escape. And that is something that I enjoy. And we just had this like amazing weekend. We performed with the Lady Gang podcast. They threw a festival called Lady World and they got all these incredible women together on one stage. And every single performer has been on our show. I mean, it was Stassi Schroeder and Rachel Lindsay, Taylor Strecker, and the chicks in the office, and Caitlin Bristow, and who am I forgetting? We spent like, you know, it was just, we spent the whole day with Hannah on Saturday. I mean, it was just so wonderful to just like reconnect with all these women and performed in an audience

• 12:46Rayna Greenberg?

  full of women. And there was just so much joy and laughter. And it was just like such a beautiful moment. And I have to remind myself that there are like beautiful things in this world outside of what's happening.

• 12:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Well, let's talk about that. And I'll wrap it up with, I'll see you guys this week. No, I'll see you guys in Minneapolis. Grab those tickets. And then New York for the Late Show. And then in Boston, there's still some tickets left as of now. And that's at ashass.com. And then it's over. And then I'm like, okay, well, I have one more thing at the wedding.

• 13:12Rayna Greenberg?

  You, I don't know what you're gonna do on November 2nd. I really don't.

• 13:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Go to Napa.

• 13:17Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm gonna fly to New York.

• 13:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Obviously, you're gonna fly to New York.

• 13:23Rayna Greenberg?

  I haven't planned it, but honestly.

• 13:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  We all know.

• 13:25Rayna Greenberg?

  I haven't planned it, but it just came to me. Maybe I'll come to Napa with you.

• 13:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  I love that idea, actually. Okay, so Lady World was just so incredible and the Lady Gang women, Kelty, Jack and Becca, threw this festival first time and I think they were probably even like, what the fuck are we doing? You know, like it was so intense. It was three days. It was so much programming, programming all day and then programming all night and podcasters and comedians and musical artists. It was just a lot going on. And we got there and our show, we had to pretty much perform in the rain. I mean, it started raining towards the end of their set. And so we had to kind of wait it out a little bit. Then we went out there. I mean, we were wet and then people just started to like, put their ponchos on and they stayed. And I was just really such a heartwarming, like emotional moment that people were like, I'm here for

• 14:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  it. And we did our show and the next day, obviously Raina mentioned Hannah and Rachel Lindsay.

• 14:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Also, I made Hannah sound like an afterthought. Hannah's our closest friend on this whole lineup. So I just want to chub it. We love her.

• 14:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hannah's a given. And then that second night, Saturday night, was all these like Pop 2K is what they call it, all these boy bands. So O-Town and BB Mac and LFO and Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray and Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC. And they all came out together and they kind of formed this like super group at one point and played all the hits. And I mean, just the nostalgia of that was incredible. It was just me, you and Rachel Lindsay on the side of the stage, just like rocking out, singing all these songs. And, but yes, together, like the girlhood of it all was just inspiring and I'm so proud of them. And I know, I hope they're proud of themselves. And Saturday, they were like, this is the best night of our lives. And the setup was incredible and we hope they do it again. I

• 15:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  mean, it's hard to throw a festival and a lot of times the first year, it's like people are like, what is this? I don't really get it. And I think they have shown what it is. So much content. Go look at their Instagram. There's photos and videos and we were making TikToks and they were up on the feed. Like 30 seconds later, we're like, oh, they are, the social team is on one.

• 15:23Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, you should put women in charge of everything. A first time festival. They had programming all day. They had merch. They had just like the best audience every single In it was planned. They had yoga classes. We won't harp that much longer about a festival. You guys weren't all at, but to watch what women could do with a first time festival. I was like, this, well, of course, Fire Festival was a disaster. You put a bunch of men in charge.

• 15:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. I mean, I've never felt so taken care of.

• 15:47Rayna Greenberg?

  I know.

• 15:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like shit was on point. Everything ran so smoothly.

• 15:52Rayna Greenberg?

  The green room had crystals in it, coffee table books. It had throw rugs. It was just beautiful.

• 15:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, women in charge. So it was really fun. It was really special. So.

• 16:03Rayna Greenberg?

  And I'll tell you something funny that happened on my way out of Lady World.

• 16:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 16:07Rayna Greenberg?

  So I got on the plane and I'm just impressed by saying this is always been my greatest nightmare. And I don't know how this, well, maybe my greatest joy. I don't know. It's never happened. But I walked on the plane and Rachel Lindsay was sitting across her way on the plane. With her man. And I was like, oh, I got it to you. We're like giggling, whatever. And we just had like so much work to do this weekend. So I started working and you and I are launching some new products for Vibes Only. And we have all these new photo selects that I needed to like go through. And so I transferred them all to my computer. I picked like a certain number and I was like, I'm having trouble seeing them. I want to see they look like on a phone because the color can look a little different.

• 16:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 16:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Computer to phone. So I narrowed it down to like 30 and I was like, I'll just transfer them to my phone. And I was like, oh, let me just get this to like 10. So I did like 10 and I selected them and I click airdrop and

• 16:54Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't know who I airdropped them to.

• 16:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  No.

• 16:56Rayna Greenberg?

  But it wasn't me.

• 16:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  And it wasn't Rachel.

• 16:58Rayna Greenberg?

  No.

• 17:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Rachel would have told you.

• 17:01Rayna Greenberg?

  It's like, Rachel, check your man's phone. Check your phone. I, I don't, I.

• 17:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Wait, they were all like product pics or?

• 17:08Rayna Greenberg?

  Just product pics, nothing.

• 17:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  You could probably get sued for that.

• 17:12Rayna Greenberg?

  Just vibrator product pics, which is, I'm in some of them. So like, thank God it's like not my face. But like, there's like two butt shots of me holding a vibrator.

• 17:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my God.

• 17:21Rayna Greenberg?

  But like, you know, when you open your airdrop, obviously in public, a ton of names populate. And yeah, all the, I thought I just hit mine and I must've hit something else. And you have to be real careful.

• 17:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's airdropping in public. You were all willy nilly with it, all tired. We were so tired.

• 17:37Rayna Greenberg?

  I was so tired and like we just, I hadn't eaten yet. And I mean, thankfully it was like clean. I mean, you know, it wasn't like really dirty stuff.

• 17:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Cause you've been sending some.

• 17:47Rayna Greenberg?

  There's so many nudes on my phone. My phone, my camera roll is so insane right now, Ashley. It is maybe 150 photos. 50% of them are dick pics I've received, nudes of me, and the rest is just my nephew. It is so disconcerting.

• 18:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  And vibrators.

• 18:06Rayna Greenberg?

  It is so disconcerting to be scrolling through like dick pics, my tits, my nephew's face.

• 18:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh my God.

• 18:12Rayna Greenberg?

  It is so many.

• 18:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it's really disconcerting. Is that a tit or a bald head of a one year old?

• 18:18Rayna Greenberg?

  Is that a penis or a bald head?

• 18:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  What head is that? What kind of head is that? Oh my God. Well, I had a funny thing happen on the plane. So I got on the plane and I see this man, he's like two seats ahead of me. And he, just as a visual, if you want to picture the guy, cause I think people might want to know, it was just like a, I don't know, late 30s, maybe 40, a black man. We were in Atlanta, like he looked like maybe he was worked as like a music producer or something. He's like a cool vibe about him. He had like a backwards hat. He was wearing a bunch of like, you know, designer, whatever.

• 18:49Rayna Greenberg?

  Swaggy.

• 18:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. So he gets on the plane, immediately he puts on Selena, the movie.

• 18:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  So immediately.

• 18:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Like on the tarmac?

• 18:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Immediately.

• 19:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Tarmac. He was like, I gotta get Selena in.

• 19:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  He could not get Selena on fast enough. So I'm like, I wonder if he's like doing something that he needs to watch this for, cause it was so immediate.

• 19:09Rayna Greenberg?

  For work?

• 19:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  I like, I always like to spy on people. I didn't even watch him scroll through any movies. Like it was, he was, it felt like he like put it on purposely.

• 19:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Was this on his iPad? Like?

• 19:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  On the screen. We were in the.

• 19:22Rayna Greenberg?

  On the screen in the plane?

• 19:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  On the screen in the plane. Yeah. You know, Delta, so we had screens. And then I slept pretty much the whole flight. So Atlanta to LAX, like five hours, whatever. I probably slept four of them. I slept pretty much the whole flight. I woke up and one, we were landing in 50 minutes. I, I did good. So I was like, oh damn, I really got that sleep in. I had to wake up at four in the morning, so I really needed it. And so I look up, he's still watching Selena. So.

• 19:46Rayna Greenberg?

  He restarted the movie?

• 19:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Either he restarted it or.

• 19:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Or he went to sleep and like brought it back up like my immediate thing was like he watched he's watched Selena back to back. But then I was like, there's a world in which he slept and then he put it back on.

• 20:02Rayna Greenberg?

  I like to live in a world where I think he watched it twice.

• 20:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Also, he was there with his wife and his child. So they were in two different seats. Like we were in the whatever it was the Delta one cabin, which I didn't know it was Delta one. I thought it was just first and that was a real nice surprise. Best surprise of my life was to have a lay flat when I was that tired. So they're separate from him. He had his own. He was in the window. He had his own little cubby watching Selena. I was just like, this man loves Selena.

• 20:29Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, nothing I love more than watching what every single person is put on their screen. I love profiling people based on like what I think they're gonna put on and then what they do put on. It always shocks people.

• 20:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. And the man, we all know this man, he sits down next to you and puts on Fox News immediately. Well, you can't skip a beat. You can't not watch Fox News for an hour-long flight.

• 20:50Rayna Greenberg?

  I feel like people look at me and they're like, not sure. And I feel always proud what I have on the screen. It's always cool. So the other day, what I put on when I flew back from New York to LA, first the Eagles game, immediately followed by Succession. I was like, I am so cool. I'm killing it. And then otherwise, my other picks are Curb. And then I watched Casino on the plane the other day. All cool girl picks.

• 21:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I'm big, big on Curb. Only Delta, I feel like, does the live TV.

• 21:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, does it? I was on, I was live TV.

• 21:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it's like, I was trying to watch the Eagles game on another flight, whatever. Anyway, go Birds, they're 4-0. And then I have one other thing we're talking about plane behavior. I wanted to open this up to the audience, something I find so insane. So my fiance did his bachelor party and he just waited too long to book those flights. So he had to fly back in a middle seat. And so that was like all that was available on the flight that he needed to be on to get back from the East Coast. And he flew in a middle seat and a couple was on either side of him.

• 21:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Talking over him the whole time did not, he offered them, do you want to sit together? Obviously.

• 21:50Rayna Greenberg?

  I am so shook.

• 21:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  I am so shook. So if he and I fly together and we need to be in a row of three, I will do the middle and he's on the aisle. Or like the last time we flew like that, coming back from Denver, from Jenny's wedding, he took the aisle, he likes the aisle over the window and I took the middle.

• 22:07Rayna Greenberg?

  I think it's so crazy. Listen, I, you know me, I would rather die than fly in the middle. I'll drive. Like I, I always look at people in the middle like, how'd you end up there? Couples, that's how you end up in the middle. Couples, that, that's the couple's responsibility is one of you is taking the middle.

• 22:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Or families.

• 22:22Rayna Greenberg?

  And don't even get me started with people that talk over you. So I got on the plane yesterday, Rachel Lindsay and her man were in two seats and I was in the window of the directly across seat and I was like, oh my God, it's you. And we're like joking. And the guy who was in the aisle goes, do you want me to take your window seat? And I go, no, I promise I won't talk over you for this flight. Like that is so obnoxious when people do that. And I, I need a window and I'm not moving. So I was just not gonna like, I'm not gonna talk with my girlfriend for the rest of the flight. I'm not gonna do it.

• 22:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  I think it's so crazy. Like whatever that couple has going on, like clearly if they're listening or you are like this couple, you're like, well, I like the window and he likes the aisle. Okay, so what? You prefer the window more than your man?

• 23:03Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, be comfortable, I guess. But like, my man is sitting next to me.

• 23:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, but my, my thing is, I'm saying my comfort is that I can lean up on someone I know. Like I am more comfortable in a middle seat next to my partner than a window or an aisle next to a stranger.

• 23:22Rayna Greenberg?

  Totally.

• 23:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's the point.

• 23:25Rayna Greenberg?

  I think it's crazy.

• 23:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  I think it's crazy. Yes. And they were, I was like, they were not talking to you over the whole time. He was like, yeah, they were.

• 23:30Rayna Greenberg?

  No, that's jail.

• 23:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 23:32Rayna Greenberg?

  You and I also, we don't sit together that much on planes. We are not yelling across the plane at each other unless we're trying to like, put on a show for people, which like, you're welcome.

• 23:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so this story I've been dying to tell you. So this happened at a show and I'm just, I really want to leave out as many details as like I can. My point is not to call these people out, except for the protagonist of the story who said I can use her first name. So we've been DMing. That's my girl. So this happened, you know, I've been all over, so you don't know what city this is in. So I'm doing my show and I'm doing a crowd work, the couple's up front and there was this couple and I started joking with them because they were sitting kind of far apart. I was like, why are you guys social distancing? If you're on a date, you know, like a lot of space between them. The body language was not hidden. And so they were on a second date and they said they met on Hinge and she didn't even really know. She's like, I think Hinge. I was like, oh, you don't like him. You know what app you met somebody? You haven't told your friends. You haven't told your mom. Like it

• 24:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  could be any app. You just don't remember. Everyone remembers. Yeah, if you know what app. What app you use. But even if you are using multiple apps, like you don't like him enough to remember your story. Absolutely. You know, so whatever. I'm joking with them. She was like, I don't know. I first started talking to them and she was like, I knew this was gonna happen. Like she immediately kind of like, she didn't have a great energy. Like the audience was kind of like, ooh, like why'd you sit up front then? Like you don't have to. You don't have to sit up front. You can ask to move. It's a, it's a GA type of show, you know? Oh, okay. So I was like, well, then I'm just gonna go a little harder. So I started crowd working with them, asking them questions and I went and talked to other people that I came back to them and I was just fucking around with them. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I was like, what are you guys into in bed? And she immediately was like,

• 25:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  no, not answering that. And I was like, okay, that's fine. And so I asked him and he is uncomfortable. I'm like, what are you into in bed? And he would not answer. So I don't want women to feel uncomfortable in my show, clearly. When she didn't want to answer, I kept it moving. Him, no, I'll have a standoff with you. Say something. So I'm looking at him, he's looking at me. I hear from the back, he's into butt stuff.

• 25:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Someone from the back. Sorry, you're telling me he's a virgin.

• 25:36Rayna Greenberg?

  Did she know him?

• 25:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh.

• 25:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Or she's making this up?

• 25:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  So someone from the back yells, he's into butt stuff. And just record screeches. The audience gasps. We're like, what is happening?

• 25:45Rayna Greenberg?

  She says it in a tone that is, I know this person. Cause there's a tone, you and I know, like, somebody's just like being like, butt stuff.

• 25:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 25:51Rayna Greenberg?

  She knows him.

• 25:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  So I'm like, what is happening? So I'm like, where am I gonna go with this? So I'm like, oh, Isaac, oh, do you know him? And she was like, yeah, we dated.

• 26:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  So now the audience is locked in. What a treat. So the girl on the date, not so happy.

• 26:07Rayna Greenberg?

  She's locked out.

• 26:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  But whatever. And I'm gonna preface this by saying, sis, you dodged a bullet. Cause I know things, I'm not gonna share everything here today, but you- You talked to his ex? You dodged, you dodged a bullet. So I'm like, wait, do you know him? And she's like, yeah, we, we went on a couple of dates, is what she says. And I can obviously see him and I can sort of see her, she's in the back. But you know, the audience is dark. And so he is craning his neck, looking around, trying to see who it is. And he, he actually can't see her. Even at the show the next night, I was like, the person sitting in that seat, I was like, can you see the person back there? And they were like, no, I can't. And I was like, okay, I just wanted to fact check. So he really can't tell who she is. Cause I couldn't tell if he was playing dumb in the moment. You and I can't see people. So I was like, well, what's your name? I was like, he's literally looking around and I'm thinking, can't you see this woman that's saying she dated you? And I'm trying to figure out what's going on. I was like, well, what's your name?

• 26:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  And she was like, Karen.

• 26:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  From Pilates.

• 26:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I'm like, you don't know Karen from Pilates? From Pilates, she doubled down. She was like, I'm not just white, I'm the whitest. So I was like, do you not know Karen from Pilates? Was she not your Pilates instructor? Did you meet her at Pilates? And I'm doing this whole thing. And he is literally looking around, like, I cannot see her. And I'm like, how much more do I push this? And the audience, I can tell, is like, we need to know the story. So I'm like, I'm gonna do this for y'all. I'm like, let's figure out what's going on here. I was like, why don't you head back there and talk to Karen? So he gets up, what? And he goes back. I mean, it wasn't that big of a room. He goes back and it's dark. So he's looking at her and he was like, oh, hey. And then they like hug. And then the crowd goes wild. This is insane. He's on a date with somebody else.

• 27:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Here, listen, people might not like this for her. If I'm on the date, this is hilarious. He's on a date with me. This is funny. He's obviously not, he went on a couple of dates with Karen. We met on an app. Everybody's out here dating. Like, this is, this is a funny date story to me.

• 27:59Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 27:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  But not everybody.

• 28:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, everybody, you know, has different boundaries.

• 28:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  So that happens and that's pretty much it. And he goes back to his seat and, you know, we continue the show and the girl, I wanted her to have, the girl that was on the date with him, I wanted her to have a nice time. And she seemed like she was opening up throughout the rest of the show. She wasn't like sitting there cross armed the whole time. But I was like, she might try to get me canceled, but you know. So I get home that night and I am looking at my DMs and I see I have a DM from someone named Karen. And I'm like, it's her. She's got an update for me. She had messaged at 7:00 PM before the show started. She had messaged me before the show even started. Ashley, I'm in the audience at your show. Please roast the guy in the front row. And then she describes him. She says, we briefly dated.

• 28:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  He's a nice guy. Total freak in bed. He's into some weird shit. She like tells me some of these details. She said, he walked past me. I tried to make eye contact and say hi, but he totally ignored me.

• 28:59Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, fuck this guy. You should, I'm glad you ruined his date.

• 29:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Karen had the best night of her life. This, the fact that she preemptively had been like, please roast this guy. And then it just happened organically and she got to call out.

• 29:11Rayna Greenberg?

  Karen's a witch.

• 29:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  So I was just like, you were the MVP of the night. I'm dead over this. And she was like, thank you for an amazing show. And then she was like, okay, so he's been texting me. And she's like, I'm not gonna get more into the details, but.

• 29:27Rayna Greenberg?

  You saved that girl in the front though. You saved her from like a shitty person.

• 29:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  They didn't really have like chemistry. I mean, like you can tell.

• 29:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 29:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, you know what I mean? Like, they weren't into it. And then that happened and just like, you know.

• 29:40Rayna Greenberg?

  What a dream.

• 29:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  A bullet dodged, but I'll tell you some, some of the rest of the stuff Karen told me like offline.

• 29:45Rayna Greenberg?

  In the car later when we go to Dr. Barrett.

• 29:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  So I just like could not believe that happened. But things like this would happen at Girls Got to Eat shows because there's way more people there. You know, like Raina and I are in a city like Vancouver that people who live there like say it feels kind of like a small town sometimes. I mean, obviously it's a major city.

• 30:04Rayna Greenberg?

  All the time this would happen.

• 30:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know, but like Vancouver, we're in Vancouver and there's 1,500, 2,000 people in the room. Like some people know each other. They've dated. I mean, it happened one time in Pittsburgh. I thought those two girls were going to fight.

• 30:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Remember Toronto, those two guys in the balcony?

• 30:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  That was Vancouver.

• 30:18Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, that was Vancouver.

• 30:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

• 30:19Rayna Greenberg?

  I got my Canada cities.

• 30:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then Pittsburgh, like those two girls, they were dating the same guy. They almost fought. I was like, are they going to fight?

• 30:25Rayna Greenberg?

  It's so Pittsburgh. I love Pittsburgh.

• 30:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  So it's just funny because I'm doing smaller venues and but still like people were in my DMs that night, like, girl, you don't even know. It's hard out here. Like, this is what we're dealing with.

• 30:37Rayna Greenberg?

  This is crazy.

• 30:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. So that was what happened that I've been like wanting to tell you.

• 30:40Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. I'm glad you saved this for the podcast. That's amazing.

• 30:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And she, Karen, again, she, I was like, can I say your name and your first name?

• 30:46Rayna Greenberg?

  No, it's important.

• 30:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't wait for you to tell Raina. I was like, I'm going to tell her on the podcast.

• 30:49Rayna Greenberg?

  No, shout out Karen. And it's important that her name is Karen. Okay. All right. Well, we're going to thank our partners. We have a great episode. But before we do, we're doing a giveaway for you guys this week. So Ashley and I own a sexual wellness business called Vibes Only. There is premium sex toys. There's lube, there's handcuffs, there's a massage oil candle, which we just re-released. So we wanted to do just like a fall cozy giveaway for you guys. All you have to do is sign up for the newsletter. That's it. Super simple, nothing more. It's for new subscribers only. And you will be entered to win a little cozy fall bundle. So it's going to be our massage oil candle, our Glowblow intimate moisturizing oil. And my favorite toy at the moment, our fair finger vibe.

• 31:30Rayna Greenberg?

  And that is a vibe that you just slip on your finger or your partner's and it turns your finger into a vibrator. And it is my favorite travel vibrator.

• 31:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Every night on the road.

• 31:40Rayna Greenberg?

  I can't stop. I'm addicted to it.

• 31:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  You guys have to get this.

• 31:43Rayna Greenberg?

  I really like our AirPulse Vibes that suck. So the Raina and the Debbie and

• 31:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  Something that we're cooking up soon.

• 31:48Rayna Greenberg?

  But the fair finger vibe is amazing. It is these deep, pulsing vibrations. So. All you have to do is go to VibesOnly.com and sign up for the newsletter. That's it. Just enter your email. You'll be entered to win these three things in a bundle. You have all week to enter, so we are going to close the giveaway this Friday, October 10th, at 11:59 PM Pacific Time. We will also be putting a post up on Instagram at VibesOnly. If you want to just, you know, comment and let us know why you think you should win, but all new entries will be considered for the week. So, good luck. Best of luck. VibesOnly.com.

• 32:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes. Okay, so we are just going to talk about our partners and we will pick it back up.

• 32:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Tell you guys about Function. I am so excited to talk about this partner. I actually had a long talk with Jeremy this morning at my house and he said he's been using it for years. We choose Function because it is the only health platform to give me data most people never get and the insights to start doing something about it. Inside Function, you get access to test over 100 plus biomarkers from hormones to toxins to markers of heart health, inflammation and stress. And for an additional fee, you can also access MRI and chest CT scans, all tracked in one secure place at a time. It's a nearly 360 degree view to better see what's happening in your body and that's why top health leaders are all behind Function Health. So, let's kind of talk about winter-proofing your body and just getting it ready, making sure everything is healthy.

• 33:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, but seriously, because it's like, when I think about being healthy and your immune system, it's like, stay ready so you don't have to get ready.

• 33:14Rayna Greenberg?

  Hell, yeah.

• 33:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  And obviously, cold season and just the winter in general, like, I want to go into the seasonal shift, peak health.

• 33:22Rayna Greenberg?

  So, you can get all these things checked in one place. So, Function, they'll help you check your vitamin D, zinc, high sensitivity C-reactive protein, white blood cell count, cortisol, and you can get, essentially, you go to their platform and they'll help you get all these things checked. You go get a blood test and then everything is localized in one place and they'll give you all these recommendations for how to sort of move forward once you have all those answers. But- Routine physicals can often skip a lot of these things. So you now can kind of get them all checked at once. It gives you access again to 100 plus biomarkers. And if I needed this, this is the one that I would absolutely use. And I do think we all need this. Why not check out what's going on in your body? Learn more and join using our link. Function is a near 360

• 34:04Rayna Greenberg?

  degree view to see what's happening in your body. And our first 1,000 listeners get a $100 credit towards their membership. Visit functionhealth.com/gge or use gift code GGE100 at signup to own your health.

• 34:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, and we all know prices are going up on just about everything lately. I feel like we find ourselves noticing this all the time.

• 34:27Rayna Greenberg?

  Absolutely.

• 34:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  From flights to lattes and are just like, how are people doing? It's rough out here. So it's, you know, money can be stressful. Dealing with money can be stressful. And you're trying to manage subscriptions, track spending and cut costs. That can all feel overwhelming. Rocket Money is here to help. They can relieve some of that stress and help you feel confident in the financial decisions you make. So we talk about this a lot, but if you aren't familiar, it is more than just managing those subscriptions. So we're going to tell you about it today. It is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel those unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills. You can grow your savings. They show all your expenses in one place, including those subscriptions you forgot about. The dashboard lays out your total financial picture. We really love it. It's really easy to use and we really love

• 35:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  the simplicity of it. It shows your bill due dates, paydays in a way that's really easy to digest and navigate. You can even automatically create custom budgets based on your past spending. So if you really are like, I gotta figure this out. I gotta figure out what my budget looks like and how I can save and spend and splurge. They will help you with that. They'll even try and negotiate lower bills for you. They're going to scan your bills to find opportunities to save and then they'll get to work to get you better deals. They will talk to customer service on your behalf. Ooh, we love that. And their 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

• 35:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Go to rocketmoney.com/gge today. That's rocketmoney.com/gge. Rocketmoney.com/gge.

• 36:02Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, and my favorite bras and underwear, I mean, I just think about my boobs all the time, all day, every day, honestly, and what they're gonna be in. And Skims is just my absolute favorite, and it is allowed bras and underwear for me, at least to not be an afterthought. I like the style, I like the comfort, I like the fit. They have tons of different sizes and colors and everything that you could ever want. And I sleep in their bras, I sleep in the Fits Everybody bra. They have a lace unlined version. I actually like love the unlined versions because they're like see-through and they're fun for nudes, honestly. And great underwear, just makes me feel like sexy in my house. It's a bra that I never feel like I need to take off. It's underwear I sleep in, and I've always slept naked. So, not anymore with Skims. And it's a perfect gift

• 36:44Rayna Greenberg?

  for yourself or for somebody in your life. And they just make me feel sexy and comfy at the same time. Check out everything that they have. There is absolutely a color for you, a size, a style, a fit, of anything you want. Shop our favorite bras and underwear at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know that we sent you a select podcast in the survey, and be sure to select our show in the drop-down menu that follows.

• 37:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so what we're discussing today came to us through an email, and it was funny because I read this email, and I was like, there's so much to say. I didn't want to just respond. Like, I mean, there's so much nuance, and we'll get into it. And you didn't see it for a while. And I was like, Rena, did you see that email? That's like, and you were like, what email? And I told you the subject line, and I was like, get into it. And you were like, oh, we could do a whole episode on this.

• 37:31Rayna Greenberg?

  We were talking about doing it for an intro versus an episode, and I just started like typing stuff into the outline, and I was like, I could talk about this forever. So, you know, it's the type of email that we get a lot. It's sort of a should I stay or should I go email. And Ashley and I like to feel that Advice is very nuanced depending on, you know, are you married or not? Do you have kids or not? What do you want for your life? What is your financial situation like? So for everybody that asks us that, there's a different answer to that question. And ultimately, all you can do is answer that question for yourself. But there was so much to unpack and we get these questions. And so we wanted to read you the email. There's lots of details and then we'll kind of break it down. Cause I think that so many of us have asked ourselves in quote unquote, "healthy, decent enough relationships, is this enough for me?"

• 38:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and I hope this helps her. I mean, we certainly did not feel comfortable writing back a like, one line, one paragraph even response. We wanted to discuss this. I don't know what decision she has made. I feel for her. You can feel her desperation coming through. She says, "I'm desperate, help me." And I will check in with her. Obviously, I just appreciate her sending this and sharing. And we're going to keep it as anonymous as we can, obviously. But her story is plenty of other people's story as well. But her specifically, I just, I hope this helps and we wish her all the best.

• 38:49Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, and you know, I am somebody who ended an engagement and I can look at my life through the lens now of what if I would have married that person? And what my life would be like? And you and I are at a point in our lives that a lot of our friends, I mean, a pretty good handful of people we know have ended their marriages and have moved on. And I can look at their lives through the lens of it and say like, a lot of those people are happier today than they were. And so there is light on the other side. But every person that would ask me, what do I do? I'd give them a different answer. So I guess we could stop teasing this email and just read it.

• 39:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you want to read it?

• 39:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, sure. Okay. I mean, the subject line says, "Married young. Now I'm 28 and IDK WTF to do." She said, "I'm begging for help. I'm going to try and provide as much detail as possible without writing a novel. Still happy to share anything further." So she says, "The scene is engaged at 22, was married at 23 to a truly great guy. I'm currently 28. We've been together for nearly a decade. We have the most amazing time and we've truly built an incredible life." I'll paraphrase some of this for you guys. They have a great friend group. They have pets. They obviously, they have a house together. She says, "I do love him. However, recently I've been thinking, do I really love him? Or do I love my life? And he just happens to be in it. As I reflect, I've noticed that most of our social plans, friends, routines in life, Et cetera are because of me. You could absolutely say, how lucky are you to have

• 40:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  someone who supports you so unconditionally? Well, that is true. I can't help but think what part of my life is because of him. I've thoroughly appreciated the support. However, sometimes you need more than just support. I'm extremely communicative to him. We never fight. And so I wanted to talk to him about it. However, it's just who he is. How can I say your personality is a bit boring and I wish you were more extroverted? In my defense, when we first met, he was with all his college friends and I thought he was extremely extroverted. That's not the case post-college. On top of being uncertain, never having lived on my own, feeling the hottest and most confident I've ever felt. We love that. Already having some wariness of our current relationship, I started falling for one of my coworkers. Please let be known, I was feeling all the above before me and let's call him Luke started chatting. I have not crossed any lines. Our conversations happen casually between work. Questions here and there, I can't help but notice

• 40:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  we live very similar lives, her and the work, the coworker. We have the same interests, political views. Basically, we've been doing the same things the last seven years, just not together. Doesn't hurt that he's so good-looking. I can't get him out of my head. There's a lot more I could say about him, but honestly, the question's not about him because there's no way he'd even be interested in me post-divorce. That's not necessarily true, sis, but you

• 41:09Rayna Greenberg?

  That's crazy.

• 41:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, also, he's 35, so he's older. She writes, "A man." Onto the question, Luke aside, what do I do? I'm living seemingly a perfect life. My husband is a fantastic partner in all the ways you should hope a partner to be. I'm just deeply lacking in him adding depth, character, challenge to my everyday. I want to like circle back to that specific sentence. If we broke up, it would be a nightmare. The friend group, social life, family would be devastated. We'd have to figure out the pets, so much more. However, who let me get married before my frontal lobe was closed? Seriously, who was letting this happen? No, that is BS. I just feel like a whole different version of myself and I just want to be single and independent for once. But then all my single friends tell me how lucky I am to be in such an amazing relationship. I am torn with what I hope is the hardest decision of my life. I'm just scared if I

• 41:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  don't change anything, I'm going to feel this way forever. And if you girls have taught me anything, it's that there is a heck of a lot of life left to live. Please help. I'm desperate.

• 42:04Rayna Greenberg?

  I feel like really emotional.

• 42:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. I also just emotional in general, but I'm like trying to keep it together.

• 42:09Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, as I, I want to speak my own experience at this exact age. And you know, there's so many things that come up where you think, I have this quote-unquote "perfect life" and this great-on-paper partner and we've built this life together. We have a home, we have pets, we have a community. I'm close with his family. I married this person. Is this enough for the rest of my life? And I wish somebody would have told me when I was engaged at 28 to ask myself that. Because I had all these voices in my head. And by the way, of course, did not get married. So it's a very different type of discussion. But I had all the things. I had a home with this person and we'd been together many years. We had all the same friends and our families were close and we were so ingrained in each other's lives.

• 42:53Rayna Greenberg?

  And I do remember thinking like, I'm a little bored by this. I'm unfulfilled. We don't have a great sex life, but this is a good partner. Everybody around me has these toxic relationships and they're getting cheated on. They don't have a man that wants to commit to them. And I have all these things and I remember thinking, am I so rotten on the inside that this doesn't fulfill me? What is wrong with me that I have this and I don't want to fuck this person? And I don't feel excited about these conversations with him. And I felt like a bad person. And you think like, I'm going to blow up my whole life? And I look back now and he left me, so I didn't really have a choice. But I did not know to ask the questions at that age. Is, is good enough going to sustain me forever?

• 43:38Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, I, I don't know that I was even brave enough to ask that question. I don't know that anybody ever told me to ask that question. I never thought, is somebody who's kind to me, but doesn't excite me? Somebody who I am attracted to, but we don't really have sex? Is that good enough forever? Do I want to have children with this person and get further financially ingrained with this person? And the answer could be yes, by the way. I think, you know, it is, it's important to acknowledge this sounds like a good person who you're,

• 44:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 44:05Rayna Greenberg?

  who is healthy and stable and does fit into your life well. And everybody loves them in your life and you've built so much together. And that's, that's hard to walk away from. And I think that you don't always leave just because maybe you are a little bored right now or a little unfulfilled right now. But I do think we should ask the question, like, if nothing changed in five years, would I,

• 44:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 44:25Rayna Greenberg?

  would I still want to stay? If I met this person today, would I pick them?

• 44:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 44:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Anyway, sorry, that's a lot about me, but I wanted to.

• 44:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  But you have a perfect example. And I think age is huge. And I just want to get it all the way up top because I think it really matters. And I'm getting married at 42, which is clearly outside the norm. And I don't want children. And obviously that makes a difference as well. We, this doesn't need to be said, but it is. Shocking to me that women get married in their early twenties and they do it and it works out. And I think about my college friends and most of they all got married in their twenties, some earlier, some later.

• 45:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Your sister-in-law, my sister-in-law?

• 45:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, my sister-in-law, exactly. I mean, my brother is older, but so it can work out. It can work out forever. I mean, my college friends, with the exception of one, are all still with their husbands. They've, most of them, they all have two children at least, you know. So it works. I have to preface this with saying that. It can work.

• 45:21Rayna Greenberg?

  We know plenty of people, sure.

• 45:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  Statistically, it is better to wait. And the optimal age to get married and stay married is 28 to 32. So 30 is like a sweet spot. And it stabilizes for women's ages about 30 to 45. And then the risk of divorce drops even lower after 45. Statistics are also showing that couples are getting divorced after 50 more than they used to, but that's a little outside of our listener base. We still have plenty of listeners that age. But if we're talking to women in their like twenties and thirties, it also shows that the average age of divorce is 30 and the average age of years people stay together is around seven or eight. So if you put those two together, that means people are getting married at 23 and getting divorced at 30, you know, when you really do run the numbers on it in that way. And

• 46:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  I, I think that 27, you have this awakening, if you believe in the Saturn Returns, but everybody goes through something at 27. And you start questioning your life decisions and who am I and what fulfills me and what am I doing with my life and your relationship? And so if I were to say, get married at least after that. And we're going to get into way more of the nuance here and way more of her personal details. But I just think about age and do whatever you want to do. It's some women's dream. I just want to get married young, be a young mom. And it can work, but please don't feel the pressure. Like just wait it out, figure out who you are, you know, figure out what you're into, build a career if that's something that you, you want to do.

• 46:48Rayna Greenberg?

  I remember feeling at 28 when we did break up, oh my God, my whole life is this person. I don't. Have a lot of girlfriends. I don't have a lot of interests and hobbies outside of him. I mean, I just, I hadn't traveled anywhere. I really had to like build a life. And he was my life and I was happy with that. He was a wonderful, kind person. We had a great life together. But I didn't really have a big life outside of him and it felt a little bit suffocating. I just, I don't have anything else outside this person. I had like enough friends, but like certainly not what I have now. And I can certainly look back at my life now and say, you know, I created a whole big life outside of this and I'm proud of it. But you know, a couple of things, this whole quote unquote, perfect life is an illusion if you're not happy within it, you know?

• 47:30Rayna Greenberg?

  Everybody else in the world can say to you, it's hard out there. It's tough. You know, you found a good person. Hang on to it. None of those people have to live your life for the next 40 years. So it's not perfect if you're not enjoying it. And I don't know, you have to ask yourself, is like, good enough enough for me? It might be. It might be like, okay, you write a checklist of a partner. We all get every single thing we want and that's why we have friends and hobbies and interests and jobs that we like. And it's not fair to ask one person to be everything. So I don't know. How is good enough enough? Ask yourself how good it is, you know? I think it's okay to outgrow people. Like you said, you are a different person.

• 48:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  You're just a different person. That's my point, you know, like that's why I really feel like you start to figure out who you are at 30 and sometimes you are with your partner that you've been with since you were, I mean, 18, 19, or 22, and sometimes you're married, sometimes you're not, and they are able to grow with you and you're really lucky. And we see it all the time and it happens. So I just can't stress enough and I'm not shaming her for getting married young. But she's the one that wrote in the email, I got married young. You know, like I think she's starting to run the tape on like, I'm a different person and so is he. I knew him in college. I knew him as a guy with friends in college. And now he's, we have not grown in the right direction. Like I literally picture it visually of you growing

• 48:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  apart into different people. And when we talk about age and I'll shut up about age in a minute, but you know, like really, I think 30 is a great age. And I look at you at 28, you started a whole new life. Like it's crazy to even remember who we were in our twenties because we're completely

• 49:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Different people. I'm a different person than I was in my 30s. It's really, what a hot take that week of the growth.

• 49:12Rayna Greenberg?

  I look at my brother and sister-in-law and they met at 22 and every time I describe them, I always do that thing with my hands. Where I say that they grew in the same direction and I think it is such a beautiful thing that these two have been together 15 years and they're like a limb to the other person. You couldn't amputate it. And what a beautiful thing to be with somebody who has truly watched you grow up and watched you grow in the same direction. And I remember when my fiance and I broke up, I remember saying to my mom, nobody that I'm with will ever have known me growing up now. Nobody will ever see who I was and who I am now. And that was a real fear. I really liked that he watched me grow up a little bit and my mom said to me, like, it's nice to meet people who are fully formed

• 49:52Rayna Greenberg?

  and you're more fully formed and you can kind of see what the future is going to be for that person and how they're going to socialize because you're in a different era of your life. And I just think about the people I was with in my twenties and I saw my ex-fiance, what, a year ago? And he's a wonderful person. He is for somebody else, but I would not choose him today.

• 50:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, you really run the risk of not knowing who this person's going to be. And I think about this when I think about my college girlfriends, but everybody's friends, whoever, people in the world who got married sub 25 and when you were drinking so much more and you were just always getting drunk together and that was part of your life. And then we, some of us outgrow it and some of us don't. I, I think I outgrew it to the extreme where I was such a big, heavy drinker, a binge drinker, and now I'm just don't. And it's not something I would look for in a partner, even close friends. And you see couples, and I know couples personally, where one partner outgrew those habits and one didn't.

• 50:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  And it becomes a real point of contention and it's like, but they were on the same page in their twenties. Like we, we all are. And that's just like one example, but with her. And anyone who shares her story or anything similar, like this does not have to be an immediate decision. I don't know how long she's been feeling like this. She didn't specifically say, it sounds like it's been a while. And then the coworker thing just kind of came into the mix while she was already having these doubts. But I wouldn't make a rash decision with your marriage and with your home and your pets and all this stuff and your family and your friends. Like, keep thinking about this and talking about it with people you trust or a professional. And I think you'll hit a breaking point. I mean, again, I don't

• 51:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  know how long this is, but you don't have to make this decision right now. Like, take a little bit of the pressure off. I don't have to decide today if I want to stay married to this person. Like, I can feel her desperation, I guess. And I don't know if she's worried she's gonna cheat. But like, it feels like, really, like, I need an answer from us, who are people she trusts, which it is such an honor. But you can relax a little and think over this more and figure out what you value and what you want. And if I were to guess, I see a world in which they don't make it. I think she wants something different than he can provide. But there could be a world in which they do stay together and she looks back on this time, is just like, I don't know what I was thinking. You know, I don't

• 52:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  know.

• 52:22Rayna Greenberg?

  I wonder if this is a feeling of like, I can't unring the bell. I've had this thought, and now I see everything he does through this lens.

• 52:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, for sure. Also that.

• 52:30Rayna Greenberg?

  He's boring, and we're not socially aligned anymore. And I think it's really scary to admit to yourself that we have both evolved and evolved in different directions. And there's so many different things that you can have, like, when do we want to have kids? How do we feel politically? How do we want to socialize?

• 52:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Don't have kids.

• 52:44Rayna Greenberg?

  Where do we want to live? You add this other guy into the mix, and she's seeing, you know, the grass is a little greener, maybe on the other side. And she feels hotter than she's ever felt. And maybe this person she's been with for a long time isn't as spicy and exciting anymore. And I love what you said, and I had the same note, that like, it's not a rash decision, it's a marriage. I would give people very different advice in a marriage, you know?

• 53:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 53:01Rayna Greenberg?

  I think you and I have had quite a few friends that have gone through divorces, and they were long conversations, and a lot of therapy, and a lot of will we, won't we. And I think that, like, we've evolved in different directions. That's a, that's a thing, that's a starting point, and saying, like, There's some ways we can evolve together. There's some things we can do separately and still feel fulfilled and like we get the excitement we need outside of the marriage, like take girls trips and have hobbies and interests, but also can we evolve some way in the same direction, but it ongoing conversation.

• 53:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, I don't know if they've had a conversation. I'm a little confused because she says, "We never fight and so I wanted to talk to him about this. However, it's just who he is. How can I say your personality is a bit boring and I wish you were this and that?" It does not sound like they have. You gotta tell your partner, you don't have to do it tomorrow, that you're feeling a certain type of way in the relationship. He might be feeling certain feelings too, and it might be this huge sense of relief and it can bring you closer together. If you realize that you've both been having doubts about the relationship. I'm gonna side with her and that she knows her partner and that she just is like, "How can I say this to him? I can't tell him." You can say something, you know, and again, I really want to tread so lightly. Could they take a break? You know, could, could

• 54:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  she just be like, "I'm feeling these things and I don't know what to do and I love you and I don't want to get divorced." And like, is there a world in which, I mean, taking a break, it's touchy. I think of the book we read. I mean, it was a fictional book, but it was by Taylor Jenkins Reid and it's called "After I Do." She should read that book. I mean, it's a fictional book, but it's about this couple and they're feeling a certain type of way and they separate and I'm not going to give it away and spoil it. But I mean, I don't think you hold this in. I'm gonna guess that she decided he was boring and has tried to lead by example a little bit. She's like, you know, "Let's take a trip. Let's go out to dinner. Let's find interests and hobbies." I'm just gonna guess that before she has just, I would hope, like before you tell somebody to their face, "I think you're a little boring. This is a little boring socially. I'm a little bored."

• 54:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  I would hope that you have tried to do a few more things. Have you mentioned like, "I just wish we like went out to dinner once a week" or "Could have a shared hobby." You know, these are constructive, easy things to do at first. If that didn't work, you gotta talk to your partner.

• 55:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I mean,

• 55:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  And you can say, "I am feeling bored," not "You are bored."

• 55:18Rayna Greenberg?

  For sure. I mean, the Luke thing is like a symptom of the problem. I don't think that's, that could be, that could be her man. I don't think that's like the person she should be with. I think it's just he's coming at a time.

• 55:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  But it is illuminating to her that she is feeling this type of way about somebody.

• 55:34Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, I, I felt a little unfulfilled with my fiance. I've certainly never cheated on him, but I did feel a little emotionally and intellectually bored. That's not a nice thing to say, but yeah, you do start to just look for stuff outside to be like, can I get this hit somewhere else? And I'm proud of her for not acting on it. I never acted on it either, but like you're only human. The thought does occur.

• 55:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. And the thing I said, I said, I wanted to go back to the sentence, I'm just deeply lacking in him adding depth, character and challenge to my everyday. So I do want to always say that your partner will not be your everything. You know, they're not going to give you every single thing you want. That's what your friends and your family and these different things are for. You have to figure out what it is important that they do add. I do want my partner to be intellectually stimulating, go on adventures with me, make me laugh. I'm with him all the time. I can't be bored by him, but I do make more of our plans and our social stuff. That's just what I do. That's what my mom does. I mean, I think of my parents and you know, my mom has

• 56:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  a million friends and my dad just doesn't have that type of life. He has his own stuff going on and he always has. So we are a little different in that way, but my fiance also is along for the ride and lets, lets me be. And I guess, you know, if she wants somebody that's so social, like you might not get that with all that support that the, her current husband, her current husband is offering her, you know, you're just be realistic about what you can get from one person. And if you listen to this podcast, we've talked about it, like the personality traits that go together, that complement each other. You don't, you don't get it all. So I just want to be clear. Again, I'm not in defense of them staying together. I, I think she wants more.

• 57:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Is it a situation where you're the social engine in the relationship, but it's kind of annoying? Or are you completely socially mismatched? Is your partner refusing to go to the things that you want to go to?

• 57:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 57:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you go to a party and they want to leave as soon as you get there? Are they not engaging with other people in the room and that bothers you? And I think for me personally, I mean, somebody said to me recently that that was a problem in their marriage, that they kind of wanted to be really private and didn't really want to go out and go to events and things and that it was a real issue in their marriage. And I, I could see it being a real issue for me in a relationship. I, I am really social and I like to go out, but I, I also get a lot of value from being with my friends. So I could see being like, okay, at home, I have this person who is solid, who I trust, who's a wonderful person and supports me emotionally. It's a lot of fun when the two of us are together. And if I want to go out and rage or go to a concert or go to a sporting event, I'll go with my friends. I guess it's one size fits one. I would have to know

• 58:12Rayna Greenberg?

  like exactly what that person was like day to day.

• 58:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. I mean, if she read an article and wanted to talk to him about it, would he just be interested? Would he have a conversation with her? I mean, we talked about this with Liz Moody. I mean, I've never been in a 10 year relationship. I can't speak on it. You know, I, things change. Things change after one year, five years, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years. So is there a world in which you get him to have more of those challenging, fun conversations? Like, have you guys just hit a point where it's gotten a little stale and you can do things to spice it back up? I, again, I, my gut is telling me that maybe this couple is not a fit any longer, but I'm still wanting her to think through all of these things because I, I don't want her to make up decisions that she regrets. So,

• 58:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  you know, she's saying like with, with Luke, we have similar lives. We have the same interests, political views. That makes me wonder about her husband and his political views, but it sounds to me she's having more exciting interactions with this person, but that's also a new person compared to her, man, she's been with for 10 years since they were 18 or whatever the fuck. So.

• 59:14Rayna Greenberg?

  You hear every person that has an affair say like, they don't understand me like you do. It's like, because they don't see you through the lens that I see you through. So, you know, you're never going to have the spark with your 10 year long partner that you have with a brand new person. But there are sacrifices to be made for comfort, for intimacy, for deep levels of depth of another person. And sure, there's some people that still have a crazy spark after a decade and I hope that for everybody, but. You know, the, the spark will die a little bit and I would not make big decisions based on, there's other people in the world that I feel like this about. But if you're just like, I miss feeling like that and it's really important, then you're allowed to look at yourself and say, I had a 10 year long relationship and that is really valuable, that it's hard to do. A lot of people cannot do that and it is not a failure to say, I have outgrown this.

• 59:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, let's talk about the fallout if they were to break up, but let's just take a quick break and talk about our other partners and we will pick it back up. This episode is brought to you by Saks Fifth Avenue. We love to talk about Saks.

• 1:00:13Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm shopping on Saks this morning for your wedding.

• 1:00:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh my God. Yes. So we love it and you can find everything on there. You can find all your fall trends. If you want animal prints, you want your coats. I'm such a slut for coats. So can't wait to get on there, even though we don't get to wear them that much. Light jackets for us, but coats for those of you on the east coast, like Raina, and just all the things that you're gonna want. Your denim and they have, of course, all clothing of every type, your dresses, your shoes, your bags, jewelry, accessories, beauty, kids, home. They really have everything and we always talk about just the range of designers and the range of prices. I have mentioned recently, I was on there looking for shoes to wear to my wedding and I've sent a couple dresses from Saks to guests who have asked me for, for links.

• 1:00:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Ideas and inspo.

• 1:00:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And you can just get stuff for date nights, for work, vacations, workouts, lounging at home. I'm looking at their new arrivals now. Oh my gosh, a corduroy skirt. Right now I gotta get a corduroy skirt for the fall. That's on my list. These incredible jeans. I want to get some of those really soft jeans that you always wear too. Who makes them? Rag and bone?

• 1:01:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Rag and bone. I have them in my bag. I'm about to change into them.

• 1:01:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Again, oh my God, this is a Vago. Every week I just put up a gown for you guys to drool over. What?

• 1:01:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  So beautiful. If someone doesn't wear this to my wedding, I'm gonna be pissed. But we just love it and you can find everything. And they, if you're in store, they can help you with a personal stylist and on their site as well, they can just kind of guide you. So you guys can check it out. Shopping should be fun and easy. So head to Saks Fifth Avenue or saks.com for inspiring ways to elevate your personal style every day. saks.com.

• 1:01:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. And this show is sponsored by BetterHelp and October 10th is World Mental Health Day. And this year we are saying thank you to therapists. We know we have a lot of therapists that listen to the show and. BetterHelp therapists have helped over 5 million people worldwide on their mental health journeys. There's millions of stories, millions of journeys that behind every therapist who showed up, listened and helped someone take a step forward in these moments of therapy to ask the right questions and provide a safe space to cry. Thank you to those people who have dedicated their life to this. And BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct. They're fully licensed in the US. BetterHelp does the initial matching work so you can focus on your therapy goals. So there's a short questionnaire when you get in there and it's going to help identify your needs and preferences. And they have 12 plus years of experience in industry leading a match

• 1:02:37Rayna Greenberg?

  fulfillment rate. And they typically get it right the first time, but if you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. There's tailored recs for you. So no matter what you're going for, if you just really want to figure out what your goals are for the future, why there's a deficit in your love life, your professional life, or this email that we're talking about right now.

• 1:02:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, exactly. Speaking of therapy.

• 1:02:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Guide her to go to therapy.

• 1:02:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:58Rayna Greenberg?

  With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. So this World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who have helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/gge. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash gge.

• 1:03:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, helix, Raina, this past trip of mine, I feel like really was like next level. Like, but I went to Philly.

• 1:03:26Rayna Greenberg?

  I've been sleeping bad.

• 1:03:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I was in Philly, I had to go to Florida to come back. I had to wake up at 4:00 AM. Like, I couldn't even believe it. So when I got home yesterday and slept last night in my helix bed, I've never slept. The second my head hit the pillow, I was out, did not wake up till I, till this morning.

• 1:03:42Rayna Greenberg?

  Literally, I've been sleeping so bad. I've been living in hotels and people's apartments. And the minute I got home last night, it just crashed.

• 1:03:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  These hotel beds, I had this pain in my back, like, from a nap I took in San Diego, and I have not recovered since. Yeah, like right back there. Oh, my gosh.

• 1:03:58Rayna Greenberg?

  So it's our Helix mattresses. We just, we love them so, so, so much.

• 1:04:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. So I have the Midnight Luxe, which I cannot recommend enough. And I previously had the Moonlight Luxe, and I also have one of those in my guest bedroom. My best friend has the Dusk Luxe. My best friend Cory and her husband, my brother and his wife, they have one of the Big and Tall mattresses. I'm not sure which one, but they have so many different mattresses you guys can choose from, but I always say not too many. It's not going to be overwhelming. You're going to get on their site. You're going to take a little quiz and they're going to match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have the standard mattresses, which are great, of course. Then they have the Luxe and then the Elite. And they can really improve your sleep, whatever you're dealing with. If you have a sleep issue, if you're snoring, back pain, sleep apnea, sleeping too hot. And again, when you take the quiz, they'll ask if you sleep

• 1:04:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  in your back or stomach or side, or if you move around a lot. And we just, I mean, we talk about this over and over and over for years. These are the mattresses we sleep on. We make all of our family and friends get. So if we go to visit them, they have them too. And we just can't imagine our lives without them. So they really can help you guys sleep better. And if you track your sleep on your Apple Watch, your Oura Ring, you will notice, hopefully, you know, if you sleep better, you're going to notice the difference. And hopefully Helix will help you sleep better. Also, the pillows, the best pillows I've ever slept on in my life.

• 1:05:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Obsessed with the pillows.

• 1:05:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  They're truly the best. So you guys can go to helixsleep.com/gge for 25% off site wide. That is helixsleep.com/gge for 25% off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you. helixsleep.com/gge.

• 1:05:34Rayna Greenberg?

  So, you know, I think one of the biggest questions that people ask themselves in this situation is what is the fallout going to be like? You know, we, we have built a lot of, a lot of life together. We have a home, we have pets, we have all these friends, and our families are ingrained in each other's lives and. What is gonna happen? And I want to talk about this from having been that age when it happened to me. And also at 40, having watched a number of our friends get divorces. And every single person says, you know, of course, am I happy, blah, blah, blah? But what is this fallout really gonna be? Like a decade to undo this like this spider web? And it is so frightening. I get it. It's a lot of details in terms of, of course, the pets and the house and the stuff. And then what is everybody gonna think? Who's gonna get the friends? Am I ever gonna talk to their family again?

• 1:06:18Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, it's so many questions to ask. And I want to say like, everybody I know that's split up and gotten divorced has asked the same question. And it can be a little messy. Sure, it's messy.

• 1:06:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:28Rayna Greenberg?

  But they are all fine. No one cares about you as much as you think they do.

• 1:06:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:32Rayna Greenberg?

  And what you've done. People get divorced. It happens. People break up. No one's judging you. Nobody thinks you failed. That is narratives that we tell ourselves. The people in your life want you to be happy. And they want to support you together or separate. But hopefully your friends and families just love you and want to see you guys succeed, whether it's together or apart. And I know it's just, it's so scary, but everybody else asks themselves those questions. And you rebuild. You get a new home. You figure out how to split the pets. You figure out how to split the friends. I know it's awkward. I get it. It's a lot to just say goodbye to.

• 1:07:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, my fiance was my entire life. I mean, I had, I don't want to say I had like nothing after that, but like, it was like a giant house of cards that just toppled over one day. It was just over. And who gets the friends? And who, who do I talk to about this that also knows him? Is it gonna get back to him? Am I gonna make him look bad? Fuck him because he left me, so I don't care. But I was in a different type of situation. But I really want to validate and honor that this is the, probably the scariest question that people ask themselves. What is the fallout?

• 1:07:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Of course. But think about what could be on the other side. And what's the quote? Nothing worth having comes easy? Is that a quote?

• 1:07:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Does it apply there?

• 1:07:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, I'm just saying it's hard and the payoff is you're happier and you aren't spiraling about this every day and you're not meeting people you have crushes on and thinking about them and cheating and this and that. Not that I think she's actually gonna cheat, whatever she might, but it just, it does suck. And there's so many things, I mean, I don't want to compare anything in my life to a divorce because I haven't been through that, but there's just been things throughout our lives, our careers where I, they felt so insurmountable. And like, how would we ever do that? How will we, how could we possibly accomplish this? What will we need to do? It's gonna be such a mess. It's gonna be so much stress or time and or money or whatever it is. And then you just do it.

• 1:08:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  And there's been so many examples, I think about this a lot, when I'm like, God, I really overreacted. And I'm not, this is a divorce and it's a lot. It's 10 years, like you said, of web to unravel. But you will get through it and you'll just, once you're in it, you'll do it and you'll take every day at a time and you will figure it out and you'll come out on the other side. Again, just validating that it can feel like there's no way, there's no way. I'd rather just stay in this marriage. And this is talking to anybody, not just her, anyone that's feeling this way and anyone, whether this is her or not, that knows in their heart, in their gut, that they need to end this relationship, but it's going to be so difficult, but you will be able to get through

• 1:09:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  it. And once you are in it, doing all the things that yes, will suck, you will be like, this is doable. I can do it.

• 1:09:17Rayna Greenberg?

  I get really emotional when you talk about it because like, I think about when we broke up and I was in so much pain. I thought I was gonna die. I, I couldn't imagine a day where I would feel 5% less pain. I was so devastated and my whole life crashed and it was just like, what am I gonna do here? And I like, want to say to that girl, like, you like, You're gonna have like a better life and you're gonna make other people have a better life. And I don't know that this girl will choose to have the life that I had, but you know, I, I look back at how much pain that girl was in at 28 and thinking their whole life was gonna die without this man. And I've like gone on to build this like totally other thing. And I can look back at it and say like, thank God, thank God for the, for

• 1:09:59Rayna Greenberg?

  the pain and for him being so brave to leave me and look what I get to have and what I get to do and the things I've gotten to experience and none of that would have been possible had we not broken up. And I'm not encouraging her to break up with her husband.

• 1:10:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know.

• 1:10:10Rayna Greenberg?

  You know?

• 1:10:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  This is a bigger conversation.

• 1:10:12Rayna Greenberg?

  This is my, this is my own journey, my own life. But you know, if what you're worried about is the fallout, people will move on and you will move on and you will create a great life for yourself because girl, you already have a great life. You said it yourself. You have all these friends, you have all these interests and hobbies, you look hot, you're excited and confident. Like you will go have a great life because you are you.

• 1:10:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm hmm. I know. I love that. Go off. It just, it really like, I mean, my breakup wasn't like yours. Obviously you were like this, but I just remember thinking like, this is over and I'm gonna move to New York. What am I, how? What do I do with my stuff? You know, even us like moving to LA, like these things, again, I can't stress enough, I'm not comparing the two, but they feel insurmountable in the moment. I'm gonna uproot my life. That I've been here for 10 years. I'm gonna move to New York City. I'm gonna live in a shitty apartment. Like all these things are like, literally how? And then little piece by piece, you will tackle those things. And now I'm just giving it a motivational speech for anything you want to do that feels hard, but we can do hard things.

• 1:11:16Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 1:11:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's not an original quote.

• 1:11:17Rayna Greenberg?

  It's a, it's the name of Glenn Doyle's podcast.

• 1:11:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Doyle.

• 1:11:22Rayna Greenberg?

  And if you choose to say like, I think that there's value in fighting for something.

• 1:11:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:26Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, you and I have watched people fight for relationships. They really did not want to end and come out on the other side and learn how to communicate with each other and how to find a common ground and feel happy again. And I just think that like, life is long and you do have to like, choose to be happy and you, you need to choose whatever path is gonna bring you the most happiness.

• 1:11:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And think about what it looks like to be out of this relationship. Maybe you have, and I'm talking directly to her. Visualize it. What does my life look like? How do I feel? I mean, I'm sure she's done this, but if we're gonna go big picture and talk to anybody struggling with any decision, think about if you

• 1:12:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Rip the Band-Aid off, you, you pull the trigger. How does it feel? You, you know how it feels. We do this all the time. Like if something we think on smaller scales, on larger scales, if we decide to do a thing or not do a thing, how do we feel when we think about that? And if it's relief, you know the answer. And again, if this is with, with anything and she could have a conversation with him about the way that she's feeling and that could really help guide her. She might feel totally different. Right now she's just keeping this in. She's keeping this from the person that she's closest with. So even understanding, even getting it out there, even kind of thinking like, maybe I'm going to do this could reframe how she's feeling about it and guide her.

• 1:12:41Rayna Greenberg?

  I like that you said that. It will be a watershed moment. This may be one of the worst things you have to say to somebody, one of the biggest fights you ever have with somebody. But I mean, I've always said, because I've had to learn how to manage conflict, the fights that I've had with people have made our relationships better, not worse, or they've ended them. But either way, I have like a pretty good answer and it's propelled me forward to at least live my truth. And you can't just live in silence and suffer like this forever. You are going to have to say something to him and it will be really painful and it'll suck. And you probably go to therapy and talk through this for a long time. But you know, as sad as I was, my relationship ended, the sense of relief was also there. I don't have to pretend to be interested in this shit anymore. I don't

• 1:13:22Rayna Greenberg?

  have to have this like lukewarm sex once every 10 days where I walk into the bathroom and I look at myself in the mirror. I'm like, okay, I checked the box. You know, I, I got to go live all these experiences and I wouldn't trade that for having been with him for the last 12 years.

• 1:13:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know, I know. Yeah. I mean, you do not have to tell him, I think you're boring. I mean, you can even say things that we've said. I think we're growing in two different directions. I don't know if we want the same type of life. I don't know where they stand on kids. Do not get pregnant while you're dealing with this. Don't have kids with anybody, anytime, anyone listening that you were not in a rock solid, 100% certain relationship with. I will die on that hill. Babies don't fix relationships.

• 1:14:04Rayna Greenberg?

  It's the hardest thing you will ever do.

• 1:14:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  The hardest thing you will do.

• 1:14:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Have a child with somebody else.

• 1:14:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, 100%.

• 1:14:08Rayna Greenberg?

  It's harder than anything that I've ever done. That's why I can't do it.

• 1:14:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, I'm not strong enough.

• 1:14:13Rayna Greenberg?

  I've done a lot of stuff that is really scary, but I can't do that.

• 1:14:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  I've done enough, Mariah Carey. So yeah, I think, mention this, like, soft launch it. I'm worried we're growing in different directions. What do you think? Start there. You know, I love you. You're the best partner I could imagine. You're so supportive. You're this and you're that and our friends and our pets and our house and whatever. But like, I can't shake this feeling that we're just not the same people we were at 19 and we're growing in a different direction. And what do you think? And if he's like, what? What? I don't know. What? I don't. What are you saying? What are you saying? If he freaks out, okay, just.

• 1:15:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  We stand now. You don't just, and if he's like, okay, what, can you provide an examples? I mean, then you can kind of really gently say some of these things, but it's all going to be gentle and with love. And it might be really helpful and illuminating with the decision-making process, unless she's done something already, which I'll check in.

• 1:15:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, even still, listen, we are imperfect people. Lots of people have affairs. I don't sanction them. I just, I think that life isn't.

• 1:15:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Her and Luke are listening to this podcast. I write her back. I'm like, hey, I just want to let you know that we talked about this. And she's like, I just blew Luke.

• 1:15:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm divorced and. Took a whole load.

• 1:15:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  I just fucked Luke on the copy machine. And I'm getting divorced. I wouldn't fuck on a copy machine. You didn't go copy or you went coffee machine? Tell me Ashley's never been to a professional office before. Is that not what they're doing? Coffee machines. Coffee? You said coffee machine. I meant, I said copy. Okay, that was like, how did she not go copier? On the Keurig? Like that TikTok challenge.

• 1:16:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  On the coffee machine? That's how much I love coffee. I want to fuck on the machine.

• 1:16:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  That thing we have in there, that coffee machine. Well, listen, I really, Ashley and I, we both wish her best of luck. And anybody in this, should I stay, should I go type of situation? Cause it, I know that it's probably eating you alive. And it's nuanced and you can take your time. You don't have to make a decision right now or fuck Luke right now.

• 1:16:26Rayna Greenberg?

  But just, you know, be kind to yourself and understand that lots of people have gone through this and they've processed it and they've come out on the other end of it better, happier, stronger, more fulfilled, not hating the other person, you know?

• 1:16:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And read Taylor Jenkins Reid After I Do. And while you're reading it, think about what you want to happen. Cause you will feel a certain type of way reading that book. That book is gutting. It's hard for some people to read if they're in a relationship. Like, you'll know immediately the way the book starts. The way the book starts is crazy. They're like fighting in a parking lot. Like, it is so real. And as you're reading it, you'll know, like, do I want them to get back together or not?

• 1:17:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Mm hmm. There's also therapy books, but read the fiction.

• 1:17:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Also, better help. But get that book. She's gonna get the book.

• 1:17:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Get the book.

• 1:17:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'll send her the book.

• 1:17:16Rayna Greenberg?

  I love that book.

• 1:17:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  So good. That, that's, that book, I, made me feel things. Like, of all of her books, like, it, it is so intense.

• 1:17:28Rayna Greenberg?

  I know. I, I, I bought it at, um, who cares where I bought a book? That's the new thing.

• 1:17:35Rayna Greenberg?

  I bought it at McNally Jackson in New York City. I didn't know Taylor Jenkins Reid had this book and I loved it and every-

• 1:17:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's under the radar.

• 1:17:40Rayna Greenberg?

  Every single chapter made me feel a thing.

• 1:17:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. You'll feel the things. Well, again, thank you to her for writing and all you guys. Whenever you write and we apologize if you poured your heart out and you haven't gotten a response, we haven't discussed it in depth in this podcast.

• 1:17:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, exactly. But we always appreciate you guys sharing with us. And we love you. We want the best for you. Yeah. We love all of our children. We just don't want any of our own. No, maybe I do.

• 1:18:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  We love mothering you all. And, uh, girlsgottaeat.com. You guys can get tickets to our holiday shows in New York and LA. And then all the shows that I mentioned, my last week of my tour, the Sex Before Marriage Tour, ashhes.com. And we are Girls Gotta Eat Podcast on Instagram and TikTok. You guys can watch us on YouTube, full episodes on YouTube every single week. And we will not have an episode of The Snack this Thursday for obvious reasons. We've got a lot going on, so we are going to take that week off. So, you know, listen to an old one and we will see you Monday. Have a great weekend, guys. Bye.