#572 - Pickle Chili

Theo is back with a solo episode to talk about crashing a firefighter party in the Bronx, taking his mom to the Grand Ole Opry, and angering a guy with his chili toppings. He also responds to some of your voicemails and talks to a guy who survived falling 70 feet off a balcony. ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Valor Recovery: To learn more about Valor Recovery please visit them at https://valorrecoverycoaching.com or email them at [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- Music: “There is a Light” by the Stonekeepers feat. David Manuel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njJrEtlXBYw ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Theo Von?

  Ah, just clearing the winter out of my throat, baby. Begone, begone, snow, begone, ice. Or hail, dude, what is hail? It's basically, it's like Italian snow or whatever. I mean, that shit just [__] you up. It's like Memphis snow. It's like, what do we?

• 0:31Theo Von?

  What it, it's definitely, I gotta look that up. What is hail? Cause sometimes it's like you're relaxed and it's raining and then the rain's like, oh yeah, guess what, mother [__]. And it just [__] shows up.

• 0:46Theo Von?

  And it just starts like pinging off your car, bouncing off your wife's shoulders and shit. It's bouncing off your stepson or whatever and you makes you care about him. Hail is just, yeah, we gotta look into that and see what they're doing. They're probably charging us for it. You know, we're probably getting charged for that, I'm sure. Um, welcome to the episode. Happy springtime, everybody. Good to be here with you today. Uh, what's happening? Oh, I'll tell you, dude, so, oh, I went to a little chili cook off around me. And, you know, I like, man, I'm lying. Chili is always, it's, it's suspect.

• 1:31Theo Von?

  Chili is a suspect soup, really. That's what it is. It's just a bunch of, it's like the hail of soups. It's like, all right, all right, soup. I see what you doing. We right here. It's just that kind of soup, you know, it's thickened up, baby. It's a soup, it's like soup got a BBL, baby. That's chili.

• 1:59Theo Von?

  And so I went to a little, I stopped by a little, uh, they had a small chili tent cook-off area. And they had four vendors or something in there. Just ladling booty gas edibles into, uh, small bowls for people. And, uh, so I get up there and I got me some chili and they had one place they were saying, we got all the fixins, toppings and this and that, you know, you could put anything on that bitch. You could put cheese, onions, a little bit of GHB and they, they, one place was offering, um, but I, I just said, hey, do you have pickles? And the guy just, I mean, this guy looked at me.

• 2:42Theo Von?

  I mean, this dude, he was stirring this big pot of chili. He was just a damn, just a damn chili witch, you know? And he was just stirring a big cauldron of fucking booty goop, you know? Just, and I said, yeah, do you have any pickles for it? And he's like, you, you want pickles on your chili? And I was like, yeah, yeah, that's what I, cause I, that's what I like. I, I, I just, I like, I like putting just pickles on there. And he's like, you want pick, you want pickles on your chili? Talking dude. And it was like he couldn't unders, I was like, yes, yes, sir.

• 3:26Theo Von?

  And he's like, you, uh, you, you, you want pickles on your chili? He couldn't handle it, man. The dude couldn't handle it. So I guess the moral of that story, you want pickles on your chili? I don't know what the moral of that story is, dude. Who gives a dang? The moral of the story is sometimes you want things that people can't give you. I think maybe that's the moral of the story. I got this shirt on. This is a beautiful, beautiful shirt. This was given to me by the Bronx Fire Department. Baby Engine 43, son. Quatro Dos, baby. QD in the house.

• 4:09Theo Von?

  I'll tell you what happened. So I was walking down the street. I'd broken my toe, right? And so when you break your toe, you suddenly everything, you see everything a lot clearer because you can't go fast. So you go very slow. You ever see that guy that's crossing the crosswalk like backwards in a wheelchair by himself? And you're like, Jesus, dude, you know, you, you pray for him, but you're also a little bit pissed, you know? You're like, dear God, help this motherfucker. Hurry up. Well, dude, when you break your toe, you go slower than that dude. He is the hare. You are the tortoise. You go slower than that dude. So I'm in New York

• 4:54Theo Von?

  City. I'm walking around and, you know, and I just broke in my toe probably 48 hours before. And so that bitch was big and dark. And you could feel it had a little bit of heartbeat of its own, you know, like it had a damn bass track running through it. And I'm, I'm wearing some Hey Dudes that I have that, uh, cause it's just easy to get in and out of them, the shoes. And anyway, I'm, you're just slowly going everywhere. You know, so you start meeting people and people are saying stuff, atching, yelling, you know, hey, you know, I love their podcast. Get out the street, faggot. Just different, just New York, just New York hellos, you know? And, uh, and I'm walking past this one spot and this guy comes

• 5:39Theo Von?

  up and he's like, hey, you wanna, and he'd been drinking and he was either, he was Italian or he was, uh, like fast Polish, you know, or Poli- or, or he was, he was either Polish or, uh, slow Italian, one of the, you know what I'm saying? He was in that cross. And... He's like, come on, A. He's like, my cousin Jeremy just got promoted to, um, whatever the top of the fire department, like lead arsonist or whatever. So he brings me, there's just a door. He, uh, we go inside and it's a huge, it's like everybody's like, hey, you want some fire?

• 6:21Theo Von?

  It's like a fire department party. And I think this guy Jeremy or something had just won like hose of the month or whatever. Like, I think whoever's got the most PSI coming out of them, they give them, you know, a la, you know, you know, he done something that, you know, it was an achievement for him. So all of his buddies are there and everybody, they're toasting and cheering and fucking like, hey, get a look at this mother, you know? And they're like, hey, if you ever have a fire, here's my number. Like dude, I'm not, if there's a fire, I'm not looking through my phone if there's a fire, you know?

• 7:01Theo Von?

  And I'm gonna call Antonio up, you know, in the South Bronx. I'm calling the fire department.

• 7:09Theo Von?

  So they're just like, and then they gave me this shirt that we took some photos and they're like cheers and then off for me. Uh, they're like, hey, you want some matches, motherfucker? You know, keep us in business, keep us in business. They gave me like an eight pack of matches. Those like the cool looking, the old school, like regular looking matchbooks. Um, they gave me this shirt. They're like, hey, it's flammable. Um,

• 7:33Theo Von?

  but yeah, it was just like a great experience. So shout out to them. Shout out to all the fire departments out there. Congratulations to the guy that got the promotion. I dated a girl in junior high school. Her dad, um, great guy, threatened to kill me once, but outside of that, awesome. You know, he was a, a fire chief and we used to go over there and watch him eat hot dogs and shit. And, uh, This was before a lot of firemen are getting in shape and stuff. Now, this is back when they would just over there just snorting Oscar Myers and shit and just squirting ketchup on each other's backs, you know?

• 8:16Theo Von?

  And, uh, and just ga- basically just gambling, a lot of them. But anyway, uh, I'm not sure what I'm talking about, what I'm rambling about. But that was the first time at their, at her dad's fire department that I ever had chili in my life. That I ever had. Somebody served it. I didn't know what it was. I had a little bit of it. And then that, and then, and then I'd had it. You know, that's how that all works, you know? But you want a pickled onion chili? You want pickled onion chili?

• 8:50Theo Von?

  Um, what else has been going on? Thank you to the people that have come out to the shows recently. We did, we've done some dates. Uh, we went up to the Pacific Northwest. That was really amazing up there. So, the buil- just the way the buildings are, the people, everybody, a lot of people, they look clean up there because it rains so much, you just get cleaned, even if you're just not even, if you're dirty. Um, yeah, we did a huge show in Seattle. That was amazing. I think it maybe was too many people. I know that sounds like a, I'm grateful everybody came, but I'd just never been in a venue and it was a, it was a big venue, right? And I, I just felt a little bad,

• 9:31Theo Von?

  like maybe the people, um, like some of the seats, they, it was hard to hear. I don't know. I think some of that's just a fear of mine, but I don't think that we will do that again. Um, but it's just a learning curve. And, yeah, we had a nice time there though. I got to see my ex-girlfriend. Uh, we got to go to the fish market. Dude, you go to the fish market. I'd ne- I'd never, uh, been to the Seattle Fish Fair or whatever. It's like a little circus or whatever that they have every day. And people come, there's dead fish and you can look at them, right? And you can eat them. You know, it's pretty,

• 10:14Theo Von?

  it's pretty, uh, Neanderthalic in a way, but, um, so anyway, we go and Amir Kay, that's, uh, a guy that's touring with me, a great comedian.

• 10:26Theo Von?

  He like points at the guys running the um fish fair. And so, next thing you know, they do a thing where you, somebody throws a fish and somebody catches a fish. And so they let me catch the fish and I fucking, you know, one toss, one kill, homie, I gripped that bitch. And yeah, it was awesome. I didn't know you're not supposed to spike it after you catch it, so that, that was, I think frowned upon or whatever, but I didn't know that. And um, and I'd been watching too many of those Gronk commercials or whatever. Anyway, I'm rambling, um. What else is going on? Let's get into the episode, how about that? We got a bunch of calls that came in from you guys and I'm gonna focus on those today.

• 11:08Theo Von?

  Uh, I got one story, I went to the um Grand Ole Opry's 100th anniversary, I'm gonna talk about that. And we're gonna speak to a miracle today. Uh, a gentleman named Matt up there in Canada, Calgary. He's up there and he um, he has, he's a miracle. And we're gonna get to uh, have a moment with him. Let's go.

• 11:38Theo Von?

  Thank you for joining us.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  Whenever you're down, out in the cold, faithless and died, your story's untold. Come take my hand and walk there with me. I know a place where we can be free. There is a light shining for you. Guiding your way, helping you through. Shadows and gloom are all that you see. We'll find a place where we can be free.

• 12:29Theo Von?

  The mountain tops, down to the deepest shadows. Um. You like pickles on your jelly, you like pickles on your jelly. You like pickles on your jelly. Um. Yeah, my mother came in town for my birthday, actually, it was last week, and we said, "Thank you, if you're wishing me a happy birthday in your head, and if you're not, and you're just like, dude, keep talking, that's fine." Um. She came in, and they had the 100th anniversary at the Grand Ole Opry. And my mom likes, uh, country music, and she likes older country music. And Blake Shelton was hosting the event, and Jelly Roll was gonna perform.

• 13:14Theo Von?

  And my mom likes the, likes both of them. And so I was like, "Oh, well, that would be fun for my birthday. I'll have mom, I'll see if mom wants to come in, and then we'll go." And so, she came in and we went. And, uh, what was it like, we got dressed up, kind of? I didn't do a good job of it, I... What I wanted to wear didn't really fit, once I put it on, and so it was just, you know...

• 13:41Theo Von?

  I just had to change it and... Wore a jacket, actually, that somebody had thrown onstage, uh, in Montana, to a comedy show, I wore that. Um, but yeah, we went over there, and it was nice. Who, who performed? Oh, Alison Krauss performed, and... I mean, she has the voice of the evening, that I heard. A lot of great voices in there, but my god. That was just exceptional. Uh, Clint Black, we got to listen to... Um...

• 14:14Theo Von?

  Who's that other guy? Uh, Don Rock, did you, Alan Jackson? Uh, just, it was awesome, man, we got to sit there and listen to some music together, and...

• 14:25Theo Von?

  And, you know, there was kind of a point in, like, there was one point where we're sitting there, and, um...

• 14:33Theo Von?

  This is kind of, I guess, a childish thought or whatever, but I was like, you know, I kind of wish my mom would,

• 14:41Theo Von?

  give me a little hug or hold my hand or something. And I know that sounds crazy to say. I don't mean like, hold my hand, but just kind of squeeze my hand. Just something, you know, like, we don't see each other that much and, I don't know, this, this sounds crazy to say this, kind of, I guess, but I've said a lot of weird shit over the years. I just, I was thinking, man, it'd be nice if she gave me some sentimental, but physical sign, like, sign of affection. That's what I was thinking, right? And so I'm sitting there next to her and,

• 15:13Theo Von?

  and then I just reached over and grabbed my mom's hand.

• 15:20Theo Von?

  That's what I did.

• 15:23Theo Von?

  And, and then we were just kind of held hands for maybe 30 seconds or something, you know? Just put my hand on top of hers, let her know that I care.

• 15:34Theo Von?

  And it was just something like,

• 15:38Theo Von?

  for me, like, a moment like that is interesting because a lot of my life, I would just sit there and be like, man, I wish there was this moment of affection.

• 15:49Theo Von?

  But I wish somebody else would do it, right? Or I'm upset that they're not doing it, you know?

• 15:56Theo Von?

  And then I just did it.

• 15:59Theo Von?

  I just reached over and, yeah, my mom's an older lady, you know? And at some point, I gotta be, no, that's not it. I don't have to, but I don't know, it was just like, well, if I want this,

• 16:14Theo Von?

  I can also get it for myself, you know? And it really had the same effect. Once I got over the fact of like, oh, I wish they would show the affection first, or I wish they would do the action to be the person providing the affection, which is probably what I thought of a lot when I was a child. But then this time, I just reached and I just put my hand on my mom's hand, you know? Because she's getting older. She's not the child now, but she's, you know, just where we're at in our lives, things are kind of even.

• 16:49Theo Von?

  And it still had the same outcome for me. It made me feel, okay. The second I got over that little moment of kind of jealousy or wishing, or not jealousy, but like wishing somebody else had started the action. The second I got over that, I just had a nice moment. Where I got to sit there and just be with my mother and watch country music, which is something that we both enjoy doing. And uh and something that's important to me in my life, you know, to have moments with my mother where

• 17:22Theo Von?

  we're doing something that we like to do and we're doing it together. You know, um.

• 17:29Theo Von?

  So I don't know if that sounds weird or whatever. I honestly, man, I don't care if it sounds weird. You know?

• 17:36Theo Von?

  I really don't. Part of me does still, but uh but I think that part of me that

• 17:43Theo Von?

  that needs those type of moments is like, hey, man. Finally, you're meeting, you're trying to meet just the universe, how you're taking some direction to do something for how you feel, you know?

• 17:59Theo Von?

  Instead of just, cause I always in my life have been caught in this moment like, God, I wish they would do this. I wish this, I wish this and.

• 18:07Theo Von?

  So I don't know, that was just kind of an interesting moment for me. And then I put my arm around my mom's shoulder and just like, um. Yeah, like she was, you know? Like she was, you know, my mom and we were just having a nice time. And uh and once I did that, I was getting the, I was getting what I wanted out of the moment.

• 18:33Theo Von?

  You know, and I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't have made an effort. I'm not trying to say, hey, look at me. I'm just trying to say like for so long. I've always been the person and I still am a lot of times, but this time I wasn't. Where I'm like, man, I wish somebody would do this. So that I would be able to have a certain type of moment right now, or so that to show me that they care.

• 18:55Theo Von?

  And um and I didn't really realize that if I do it myself, some I can still get some of that same uh result. So I don't know if that makes a lot of sense or not, but um.

• 19:08Theo Von?

  And yeah, just, I don't know. Yeah, sometimes you, you know, you may only want, you know, you may.

• 19:21Theo Von?

  Sometimes you gotta put your own pickles in the chili. That's what I'm saying, I think.

• 19:27Theo Von?

  I don't know if that sounds crazy, but sometimes if you want pickles in the chili and that's the only way you're gonna have the chili. Sometimes you gotta, you gotta bring the pickles, man. Because sometimes the world just serves chili.

• 19:43Theo Von?

  So, I don't know. But yeah, I wanna speak that out loud too because, you know, it's just important to me that I start to live in a place in my life where,

• 19:58Theo Von?

  where I just don't let that uncomfortable moment of like, man, I wish they would do this. So this could be the outcome. Where I don't let that prevent me from, even if I'm upset at them or whatever, that I don't let that prevent me from

• 20:14Theo Von?

  maybe trying to take the action myself. I don't know. I know that doesn't apply to everything, but. Um, anyway, enough about me, man. Enough about me.

• 20:24Theo Von?

  We got a lot of great calls that have come in today and, um, I wanna get to some of those. And again, I do wanna apologize that we haven't gotten to do these type of episodes a lot. I think about this all the time, you know, and I think that it's important. And, uh, sometimes it's just been tough. And I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that it's been tough. And then, you know, you also have the opportunity to talk to guests and you're like, you're like, man, I, I'd love to talk with this person. And so you just try to balance it. So, um, just bear with me. I just wanna let you know that this community is important to me. And I'm trying to fine tune some things in my life a little bit better so things are more organized. So I'm able to spend my energy where I would like to be able to spend it.

• 21:05Theo Von?

  Um, anyway, I know I don't need to say that, but uh, I just want you to know that.

• 21:13Theo Von?

  All right, we have some calls that came in and uh, thank you guys for continuing to hit the hotline. As always, the number is nine eight five six six four nine five zero three. And we got a call right here. Here we go.

• 21:30Speaker 02

  Hey Theo, uh, my name is actually uh, Theo as well.

• 21:34Theo Von?

  Oh, hello Theo. Good to meet the others. Onward.

• 21:38Speaker 02

  I got a situation here. I've, I've been talking to this girl for like two years and it turns out I got her pregnant. After that all happened, the word got around and somehow it turns out that she's my first cousin.

• 21:52Speaker 02

  Any advice would help and uh, thank you so much.

• 21:57Theo Von?

  Wow dang brother, that's uh, ooh. That's you gonna be raising a dang lizard, homie. You ca- um, wow brother, good golly. That's like shooting fish in a family or whatever. I don't know. I mean, I haven't looked at a chart recently. I don't know. The um, the genetic legalities of that. But it do- yeah, I mean, they say, you know, don't pee where, or don't eat where you're, don't.

• 22:32Theo Von?

  Piss where your family is or whatever, whatever that old saying is dude. You, I feel like you've gone past that at this point and um, god. That thing's gonna hap- whew, you're gonna need um. Yeah, you're gonna need a uh, farrier to come and put shoes on that thing. I'm just chirping you. I'm just chirping you dude. I, look, I feel you. I, look, it's having a child with a cousin, I think.

• 23:03Theo Von?

  At the very least, it's gonna need glasses. That thing is gonna need bifocals, brother. You know, I mean, you're just playing Russian roulette with your DNA right there, but um, but at the same time, man, I don't wanna scare ya. You know, and I do believe, uh, I'm kinda chirping you there still, but I believe that everything's gonna be fine. You know, I believe that everything is gonna be fine. I think monitor the child's gestation closely. Make sure it's tracking. You know, make sure

• 23:36Theo Von?

  that it has everything it needs. Because it is, uh, bring it up, can you? Who can, can you have a child with your cousin or not? Let's.

• 23:48Theo Von?

  Now, that's just a poll, that says forty percent say yes, that, but do you have any information on that? Oh, I should look it up, who the hell am I even talking to? Dear God, out of my mind today. Um, can you have a child with one cousin?

• 24:05Theo Von?

  Ooh, yes, it is physically possible for first cousins to have children, but it is important to understand that such relationships carry a slightly elevated risk of genetic disorders compared to unrelated parents, brother, so.

• 24:18Theo Von?

  I'm just saying, not everybody, you know, you know, some people like things different, you know, some people like pickles on their chili, you feel me? So it's, uh, yeah, I think you gotta make sure that when that baby right out the gate, put that baby on a damn, uh, you know, let some other people look at it and sign off on that bastard right out the gate, homie. And definitely, I would make sure, you know, make sure it doesn't stand straight up when the moon is full and shit like that when it's real young, just, I'd keep tabs on it. I'd hit a couple of high notes near it on the instrument and see if it fucking, see if its eyes turn red or anything, but you're just gonna have to keep tabs on it. Because that's risky. And look, a lot of people

• 25:03Theo Von?

  have good-looking cousins, let's say that.

• 25:09Theo Von?

  But not a lot of them are as brave as you, brother. So, yeah, I would just stay conscious of that and recognize you have an at-risk child. Hire a night nurse or lifeguard or whatever you gotta get.

• 25:23Theo Von?

  Sometimes lifeguards will work overnight. They're cheaper. They're, you know, they know CPR. They don't know a lot of the shit that the nannies know, but they're still there. Got a whistle, so, um, yeah, I think just, yeah, just stay safe, brother. And I would back off that type of behavior.

• 25:43Theo Von?

  You know, if you win this round of DNA roulette, brother, just I'd leave the rest of the bullets in the chamber, baby, when it comes to family.

• 25:53Theo Von?

  Let's take another call here. And thank you to the last fellow, Theo, actually. Dear God. I didn't even realize that.

• 26:03Theo Von?

  Man, and look, hey, bud, I can't tell you to be honest with you if I'd have had a really good-looking cousin. TBD, homie. So, the Lord don't give you what you can't handle, you know? But I'm just saying, yeah, just get out, you know?

• 26:22Theo Von?

  Just meet somebody else. Meet somebody.

• 26:27Theo Von?

  You know, because if you're dating your cousin, you're not even getting out there. But maybe you're getting married to your cousin. I don't look, brother. I don't know. I would ask probably a state official or somebody. I would ask a pastor about this one. Uh, but yeah, let's get back to this call that came in.

• 26:44Speaker 03

  Hey, Theo.

• 26:47Speaker 03

  I'm in welding school right now.

• 26:49Theo Von?

  Oh, you're in welding school. That's a good school. And, um, I had a family member who started a welding school. It's a good business. Onward.

• 26:58Speaker 03

  And I hate that shit. Like, I genuinely hate that shit. And so I've always said my backup option is the military.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  And I, I'm at the point where I'm about to head down to the recruiter's office in the, in the coming weeks, possibly, but I just, I just wanted to know what you think I should do because I hate welding, but I don't know if I want to sign away four years of my life. You know what I mean? And it's like, I'm eighteen, so I'm young and I could get out after four years and still not even be twenty-three, but I don't know, it's just like a, I don't know what to do. Should I stick with welding school and hate my life for the next few months or the next year and a half?

• 27:46Speaker 03

  Or should I quit that and go into the military and then get a bunch of free shit and a bunch of discounts for the rest of my life?

• 27:54Theo Von?

  Amen, brother. Thank you, uh, for asking and just for reaching out. Um, yeah, it's a goo-, you know, this is a great question because you're like, do I do a trade or do I go into the military? And especially, um, you mentioned one thing, yeah, going to the military and you get discounts. Like, I wouldn't go into the military just because you're gonna get fifteen percent off at, uh, Long John Silver's or whatever. That's not a reason to go into the military for four years, just so you can get, you know, uh, free left shoes at DSW Shoes or whatever, you know, or, uh, eleven percent off of, uh, Cheesy Biscuits over there at Lobsters, you know?

• 28:39Theo Von?

  Uh, you know, that's not, I would take that out of the equation. And I would just look at, do you like welding? You're saying you don't like it, but do you not like the school part of it? If you don't like this, I would find out what don't I like? Cause that's sometimes we say that, it's like, I hate this, but what really do I hate about it? Do you hate that you're, you're in school for it right now? Do you hate that you're having to learn it? Do you hate that you have to get up at certain hours to go learn it? Cause you may love welding, you may just, you may not be in it, like being at class at eight AM, you know, and I'm not saying those things, I'm just asking you to, or suggesting that you, you know, try to figure out, well, what don't I like about it? Cause sometimes I'll just be like, man, I hate that shit, but I never really look at,

• 29:24Theo Von?

  well, why do I hate it? What do, and then I might realize, I don't really hate that, I hate this other thing that comes with that.

• 29:31Theo Von?

  But I do believe that if you get into a trade that you do not like, that you won't enjoy it. And I do believe that there's things out there that we can all do that we would enjoy doing. I believe that there's so many things. So.

• 29:47Theo Von?

  Yeah, I would take a look at that, man. I would take a look and just decide if you do not like welding and military is your backup, I think the military is a great idea. You know, I mean, I, you know, I don't think it's a bad idea, especially at your age. I wished I'd gone to the military. I spent a lot of time just sitting around just trying to lick my own dick or whatever, you know, or, you know, buying binoculars and shit and just fucking not doing shit or whatever, being a fucking shitty neighbor or whatever, pervert, but what, you, you know, you. If you go in the military now, yeah, you're out in four years and you probably have a lot of skills. You know, you may, it'll probably help you get up early, stay in shape, all these things that are gonna really help shape the rest of your life, right?

• 30:31Theo Von?

  Now, some people may have went to the military and say, Theo, you know what the fuck you're talking about, fucking honky? You little fucking queer, you little gun pussy or whatever. That's fine. They can say those things. And I don't, I haven't been. But for you, you're saying that that's what you've thought of as your backup option, you know? Now, you might, you know, I don't know how long the military will be there, you know?

• 30:54Theo Von?

  Depending on what they could keep having our military carry out and the different actions that they have them do. But. I think it's an honorable thing. I have a ton of respect for our military. And, uh, and I don't think you would go wrong with that choice.

• 31:12Theo Von?

  So that's kind of where I'm at with it, you know? Uh, and if you went in there, you know, you'd probably make a lot of great friends and you'd learn things about yourself that you like and don't, and then you'd be, uh, be done, and you're right, you'd only be twenty-two and a half years old. Twenty-three years old, you got, you have so much ti- there's so much time. Man, I wasted a lot of time. And one of the things I wish I'd done in the mil- as a military. Just because I think you don't also get those moments of camaraderie where you get to be around a bunch of other guys, you know? So th- those are just my thoughts. Recognize I'd have never been in the military. But I do think you have time to do that and do countless other things. And if you don't like welding, you know you don't like it.

• 31:57Theo Von?

  Then maybe it is time for a backup trade to try or a backup option. Um, what else is going on?

• 32:06Speaker 04

  Yo, I'm a girl and I like girls. I had a girlfriend for a while and recently I found out that-

• 32:15Theo Von?

  Okay, so you're a girl, you like girls and, okay, carry on.

• 32:20Speaker 04

  And recently I found out that my mom's gay too.

• 32:27Speaker 04

  So now, I don't know if I'm gay anymore.

• 32:34Theo Von?

  Oh, big fact, sista, okay? Oh, once our parents start doing something, we don't want to do it anymore. So, I think that all checks out. I think you're good. I think just trust your instincts, little mom. Here we got a call. Let's hear this one.

• 32:54Speaker 02

  You know, sometimes you land on hard times, man. And you just trying to get, you know, food to eat and a place to sleep or whatever.

• 33:04Speaker 02

  And I'm like, you know, I got a five gallon bucket of pickles.

• 33:09Speaker 02

  And I'm, I'm going, I'm stealing bananas from the 7-Eleven, man. I'm going in there and I'm pocketing these fucking bananas from the 7-Eleven.

• 33:17Theo Von?

  Yeah, those are free.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  Uh, how long can I last? Is what, what I'm thinking, I was just like, could I last two months on a five gallon bucket of pickles? And stealing bananas from 7-Eleven? Cause I'm eating bananas and pickles and that's all I'm fucking eating. That's all I got to eat, man. It's all I got to live upon. Live upon, man!

• 33:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, motherfucker, BLM dude, look. Yeah, if life gives you pickles and bananas, bitch, mix them bitches. Okay, fuck yeah, dude. I mean, there's only so long you can be trapped somewhere with pickles and bananas and not put them bitches together, dude. Make some benickles, homie, you feel me?

• 34:05Theo Von?

  So, uh, look, uh, some picknanas, homie. I think that, that all checks out, brother. So I don't think there's any shame in it. You can always, once you get your feet back under you, go back to that 7-Eleven and give them money for those, uh, bananas. Let's hear a little more.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  You know, the world is a cruel place. The world is a cruel fucking place, man. And I realize that, man. When you eating pickles and bananas just to survive.

• 34:34Theo Von?

  You like pickles on your bananas, boy? Hmm? You like pickles on your bananas? You like pickles on your bananas? Well, it blows my fucking mind that we can give so much foreign aid to places when we have people who are eating fucking pickles and bananas. Actually, pickles and bananas are pretty good, so that's not what I mean. But yeah, you would think we'd be able to help our own people that are starving first over here. Um, that's just kinda how I feel. I'm kind of an American. I'm a North America first kinda guy, I guess, cuz that's us and our neighbors. But what the fuck do I know? Um, but yeah, man, honestly, you sound pretty healthy. You sound like you're doing pretty good. You ever hit a couple of high notes, dude? I think you're fine. I'd join a church choir.

• 35:17Theo Von?

  Have somebody make some TikToks, see if you can start selling tickets on the road, brother. You're gonna be fine. But yeah, sometimes we all get in tough moments.

• 35:28Theo Von?

  Trying to think of something where I was kinda down to my last dime.

• 35:35Theo Von?

  Oh, I do remember I'd get that block of damn hamburger meat. That bitch came in a missile. That bitch, they dropped that bitch off a C-130. That thing, you know what I'm talking about? It's shaped like a...

• 35:53Theo Von?

  Like both ends are kind of a weener, kinda like the front end of a weener. God, that thing was heavy. You had to carry it out like this, you know? And sometimes I'd mix it up by the damn DuraFlame logs and accidentally put that bitch in there and just cook that bitch and have it to spoon it out the fire to eat it. Call the fire department. Hey, take some matches, huh? Um, but yeah, man, it sounds like you're doing okay.

• 36:24Theo Von?

  Let's, what else is going on? What else can I tell you about that happened to me recently? Um, not much. Going to eat dinner with my neighbors. Looking forward to that. Uh, hitting the road for some more shows. Yeah, we went last week. Oh, Victoria Island, which is a beautiful, fascinating little, it's like this cold white Hawaii off of the coast of, um, Vancouver. But just great people, man, Canadians and grateful to see them. I'm a Winnipeg Jets fan. Just letting everybody know that now too. I don't want that to

• 37:10Theo Von?

  cause any issues between me and anybody else, but that's, I'm a Winnipeg Jets fan. So I think their jerseys are fire and I like the, I like their, they're doing good. And that's good. So, okay. I think that works. What else? Uh, let's take this call right here.

• 37:36Speaker 05

  Hey Theo, um, hope you're doing well. I'm calling you today to see if I can get your perspective on something. Um, my girlfriend of four years, she, she passed away five and a half months ago. Um, she, it wasn't a, not a surprise, but you know, she, she had cancer. Um, we thought that she had a little more time, but, um, yeah. Um, since then I've spent most of my time doing nothing, you know? Um, I would visit her grave every day for months, which is good, I guess, for getting out of my apartment. Um, but I would just let the time pass, you know?

• 38:21Speaker 05

  But, um, recently I've started, uh,

• 38:26Speaker 05

  going back to school full time and, uh, working again. And honestly, I feel like I'm just doing it because it's, uh, expected of me, you know, from like people around me, my family and my peers. Um, so maybe some people just expect me to move forward pretty fast, but you know, I, I don't want to, you know, um.

• 38:50Theo Von?

  Well, thanks for the call, man. Uh, I'm sorry to hear about that. I can't even imagine that.

• 38:58Theo Von?

  In the sense of losing a girlfriend or a partner, spouse.

• 39:05Theo Von?

  You know, I've lost people that I've loved, you know, uh.

• 39:11Theo Von?

  And it, yeah, it feels so impossible.

• 39:15Theo Von?

  Because I think it's so many things at once. It's like, you know, something is gone and then the, the finality and the, the, uh, the viciousness of life

• 39:32Theo Von?

  is so evident. And at the same time, the preciousness of life and,

• 39:39Theo Von?

  and how beautiful life is that it could even exist. All that happens at the same time.

• 39:46Theo Von?

  And then it's not even about us really because they're the ones who has, life has ended. So there's probably sometimes feelings of guilt that I had of like,

• 39:58Theo Von?

  feeling bad.

• 40:01Theo Von?

  That's, I'd lost someone, you know, or not being able to separate the feelings into, okay, I'm in pain or I miss them or, um, I'm just loathing in my own sadness. I'm getting into self pity. Like all those types of things happened, I remember for me at the same time. And, uh,

• 40:24Theo Von?

  and for one, it's just so much. And for two, it's hard to organize it and to even start to think and decide which feelings go where.

• 40:34Theo Von?

  I'd rather just sleep. I'd rather just hope that this goes away. I'd rather dream. I used to do that a lot. When my dad died, I would just try and dream a lot. Cause I felt like if I was dreaming, maybe I had a chance to like, see him or that my feelings could be different. Or I could be living a completely different experience.

• 40:55Theo Von?

  So I think a lot of it is normal. And I bet it's hard to get back into the flow of something when you've lost like a partner. Because you probably think a lot of your life is having that partner there with you. And I think even if you're doing something, just even if you don't feel it, just have the practice of it until your feelings and your emotional wellness catch up with your actions. Because one day they will, you know, and you'll be glad that you had started doing these things. Um, yeah, I don't really know what to say, man.

• 41:36Theo Von?

  Oh, just appreciate you like just telling us what's going on. Hmm. Maybe some people could call in actually. And now share things that if you had some experience with a loss of a loved one. And I would say, um, a wife. Let's, because this is a man calling, I believe. And so if you lost a wife or a girlfriend, um, you know, um, and they passed away, and if you have just some, maybe some experience with that, if you could drop a call on the voicemail 985-664-9503, we will come back to that on our next solo episode. I don't know when it'll be. It'll be within the next month.

• 42:19Theo Von?

  But I will come back to that and see if we have some answers. Maybe we can get some suggestions from other people. Um, but yeah, man, I hate to even leave you on this call. Uh, but, um, yeah, life is just, sometimes it's just a lot of freaking pickles on your chili, isn't it? Love you, brother. Let's take another call. It's hard to say when somebody's going through something like that. You know, but that's just also the oddness of the world. It just keeps moving. You can't stop it. The world doesn't have any handlebars on it.

• 43:00Theo Von?

  Time just doesn't have any, it doesn't, you can't get your hands into it. That's the most painful part sometimes of everything. Um, let's take a call here.

• 43:18Speaker 06

  Hey, Theo. Um, I'm having a really hard time right now. Um, I'm sixteen years old. I don't have a job, nothing. Um, I got my girlfriend pregnant.

• 43:32Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 43:35Speaker 06

  She just turned eighteen actually, not too long ago. I'm just kind of in this moment where I don't know what's coming for me in life. Like, I feel like I have to help myself because I made stupid adult decisions at such a young age. Um, and it hurts me really bad. Um, and I, I honestly just don't know what to do. I'm kind of in this, like, moment where

• 44:06Speaker 06

  I feel like I failed everybody around me, including my parents, and I'm just not gonna be the, the dad that I'm supposed to be. Um, and I'm just scared. I'm just looking for any advice. Um.

• 44:23Theo Von?

  Well, um, at least she's not your cousin, brother. I'll start right there. Uh.

• 44:32Theo Von?

  And people can say, well, that's just, that's cruel to be joking, but hey, one less thing the guy's gotta kind of think about right now. Um, no, man. Look, first of all, the fact that you're calling even to talk about this shows, I think, a level of maturity that is, a lot of people wouldn't do. So, right? You're curious. You're looking at what's going on. You're evaluating where you're at, and you, you're like, well, I want to get to a place where I feel either confident about this, or I have some support in this. So, how do I get there? Well, I'm gonna reach out to other people and see what's going on, see if I can get some thoughts, some suggestions, even to somebody to listen to me. Um, yeah, that's young to be out there gunning like that, you know?

• 45:16Theo Von?

  Just to be rooting through some trap out there with no visor on, daddy, you know? With no hoodie on. Yeah, but that's, that's the world we're in. Um. So, I wouldn't be, you are where you are. You could also look at it as that God has gifted you guys with an opportunity.

• 45:35Theo Von?

  Uh, I think people will probably be disappointed maybe in where you're at because they don't want to see you miss out on opportunities for yourself that could, uh, that there might be less of if you have a child. That's probably what the disappointment is. I don't think it's disappointment in you having a child. It's probably disappointment that, well, this may affect your ability to chase some of your dreams or ideas because you have a responsibility now. Now, I'm sure that, um, as time goes on and this child comes into the world, it's gonna bring a lot of love into everybody's life. So, don't think about just that, man. Let me see, what else did you say?

• 46:17Speaker 06

  I feel like I've failed everybody around me, including my parents, and I'm just not gonna be the dad that I'm supposed to be.

• 46:26Theo Von?

  Well, we don't know if you're gonna be the dad that you're supposed to be, you know? That's way still to be, to be, uh, determined. You know, we don't, we don't know. That hasn't happened yet, so don't future trip like that. Um, shit, the fact you care about this this much already, I think you're probably gonna be a pretty caring guy, you know? And you're gonna have a, I'm assuming a girlfriend or wife or her and her family as well are gonna help support this child, so you didn't mention that, that that's gonna be a fear. Um, I think everything's gonna be okay, dude. I think it's gonna take some time. I bet it's super scary, bro. Sixteen years old and you're having a child, that's, that's friggin', that's

• 47:09Theo Von?

  kinda scary. I think you, you, you, you gotta let this play out, man. I think you have a chance to be a young dad. Now, that'd be cool. Think about that. You're gonna get to do stuff with your, with your kid that a lot of parents will not be able to do. So, get to play tetherball, get to do probably some, um, racing quads, like some kinda high-speed shit that, you know, some parents kinda age out of when their kids age into it. Probably be able to play video games, do some VR-type shit. So, there's gonna be interesting stuff. Um...

• 47:45Theo Von?

  But all I'm saying is that don't let all the fear take away all the possibility. You know? Now, you're probably gonna have to grow up pretty quick. And there might be a part of your adolescence you're gonna miss out on. Or it's gonna be different or trickier. In fact, you're probably gonna grow up pretty fast in some ways. But maybe that's what God needs you for. You know? You just don't know. We don't know what we're needed for in the future. So, just hang in there, man. This isn't the end of the world. Hell, this is the beginning of a life. And you're responsible for. So, it's just, I know it's gotta be scary. It's easy for me to say that. You know? I'm sure there's gonna be moments where it's really scary.

• 48:28Theo Von?

  But try to squeeze into those moments of fear some possibility. Man. Cause that's cool, dude. You get to have a, you get to make a child. You get to have a child that you're gonna take care of. So, amen, brother, and God, God luck. God luck to you. Is pornography causing a problem in your life? Do you find yourself watching porno for longer periods of time and having trouble stopping? Is porn affecting your relationship or dating life? Well, you're certainly not alone. Watching pornography has become so commonplace today, and oftentimes, men use porn to numb

• 49:11Theo Von?

  the pain of loneliness, boredom, anxiety, and depression. Shame and stigma prevent men from talking about these issues and getting help for them. I want to introduce you to my friend, Steve. Steve is the founder of Valor Recovery, a program to help men overcome porn abuse and sexual compulsivity. Steve is a long-term sexual recovery member, and has personally overcame the emotional and spiritual despair of abusing pornography, and has dedicated his life to empowering men to do the same. Steve is an amazing person and he is a close friend of mine. I mean that. Valor Recovery helps men to develop the tools necessary to have a healthier sex life.

• 49:55Theo Von?

  Their coaches are in long-term recovery and will be your partner, mentor, and spiritual guide to transcend these problematic behaviors. To learn more about Valor Recovery, please visit them at www dot Valor Recovery Coaching dot com or email them at admin at Valor Recovery Coaching dot com. Thank you.

• 50:23Theo Von?

  From time to time on this program, we talk with miracles, human beings that have, that are the corn of the, that are the cream of the death crop. People that have come so close to the grave, but managed to stay out of it. Big bosses, we call them, big bosses. They call them in some Polynesian areas. And today, we're grateful to be able to talk with another miracle here. There he is, Big Dog Matt. How are you? I'm living the dream, man. Living the dream. Amen, brother. Yeah, we'd love to get to talk to people who've had miracle experiences

• 51:05Theo Von?

  in their lives. And I just really appreciate your time today. How do you say your last name there, brother? Tyberg, Matthias Tyberg. Oh, this angle makes me look so fat, but that's okay. Oh, that's fine, man. My sister's fat.

• 51:24Theo Von?

  And that's perfectly fine. Matthias Tyberg, where are you located, brother? I live in Calgary, Alberta. Oh, yeah. Yeah, a lot of good people up there eating steaks and just, what are they doing? Mining for gold? Is that the gold area?

• 51:42Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 51:44Theo Von?

  Memphis Gold.

• 51:46Speaker 07

  Memphis Gold, yeah.

• 51:48Theo Von?

  Now, uh, you've had quite an experience in your life. You've had a, I've heard that you've had a couple miracles kind of occur in your life. Can you kind of take me through? Like some of that, that situation. Yeah. How did it start?

• 52:02Speaker 07

  Um, well, there's so many different situations. I mean, I've been at a party where I seen somebody that jumped me before. So I told him, let's run the fade or just apologize to me. And I guess he didn't want to do that. So he ended up chasing me and I tripped and I got stabbed 10 times at once.

• 52:27Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 52:28Speaker 07

  Lost two thirds of the blood in my body.

• 52:31Theo Von?

  My God, brother. I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you for, for just telling us about that. Ten times. That's a lot, Tommy. Did they?

• 52:40Theo Von?

  Do you, do you feel like that was a lot? You feel like it was too many? Like, how did you?

• 52:48Speaker 07

  Honestly, you can't feel it because all of your nerves are on the top of your skin. So it just feels like you're getting punched, but you're bleeding, you're leaking.

• 52:58Theo Von?

  Oh, God, brother. And what do you, how do you, and if, if two thirds of you is gone, what do you do at that point? Were you able to call, uh, the authorities or what do you do?

• 53:08Speaker 07

  Oh, one of my buddies was on the phone with EMS and Snapchat and it.

• 53:14Theo Von?

  He was Snapchatting also?

• 53:16Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 53:17Theo Von?

  Oh, dark times, but you gotta make content, you know?

• 53:21Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 53:22Theo Von?

  And which hole do you plug? Say you have 10 stab wounds, I guess they're referred to as by the government or whatever. Do you plug one up? Do you pick the most? Kind of active one? What do you do there?

• 53:37Speaker 07

  Um, honestly.

• 53:40Speaker 07

  You don't re- really know what what to hold on to, man. I it was more my more or less my stomach hurt. So that's why I was holding my stomach, but I was half dead by the time I got to the hospital, so.

• 53:56Theo Von?

  Did you pass out?

• 53:58Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:59Theo Von?

  Wow. And did you have any experience? You remember anything when you passed out? Like, did you?

• 54:04Speaker 07

  I just remember, cause I was on Xanax too, so I woke up in the hospital. And then, yeah, I woke up in the hospital and then apparently you're only allowed two visitors at once. And eight people come at once to come visit me. So then they kicked me out of the hospital like three days after it happened.

• 54:24Theo Von?

  Cause what? You guys were partying a little too much or whatever?

• 54:27Speaker 07

  Yeah, pretty much.

• 54:29Theo Von?

  And were you allowed to drink in the hospital or no?

• 54:32Speaker 07

  No, no, I wouldn't drink. They were just mad because all my friends showed up at once to see if I was okay.

• 54:40Theo Von?

  Wow, man. Yeah, a lot of people don't live through something like that, man.

• 54:44Speaker 07

  No, I've been hit by the sea train. I've, oh, yeah, the best one is.

• 54:49Theo Von?

  Wait, hold on. What? You got hit by a?

• 54:52Speaker 07

  Well, what happened was is my buddy knew this foreign exchange student. He gave money to these guys to try and buy him a pack of cigarettes. These guys are like thirty years old. They just told him to fuck off. We're keeping your money. So I decided to go up and punch him as hard as I could in the head. And I didn't realize the police are there. So I'm getting chased by this guy's buddy with like a foot long knife. I keep looking back, still getting chased by the guy with the knife. Then I look back, it's the cops chasing me. So I'm at one end of a semi and the cop is at the other end.

• 55:32Theo Von?

  Of a semi truck?

• 55:33Speaker 07

  Yeah, we're playing peek-a-boo to see where I go. I'm wearing a bright red Chicago Bulls jacket. And I'm fricking hammered, so.

• 55:44Theo Von?

  Dude, that's a fresh outfit, baby. Scotty Drippin', huh?

• 55:48Speaker 07

  Yeah. And what happened was I ended up getting arrested for assault. I got bail two weeks later. I'm at the same train station that I punched the guy at. I'm hammered, standing on the platform. And then I get sucker punched in the back of the head. And oh, who is it? The guy stole that guy, that kid's 20 bucks.

• 56:09Theo Von?

  Nah.

• 56:10Speaker 07

  And then the, he just ended up pushing me like that and I fell onto the train tracks. And the train was coming in. So there's, I didn't know what to do. I just throw my body above the yellow line. And it caught my legs and dragged me like 15 feet. They like ripped my shoes off, ripped my pants in half.

• 56:31Theo Von?

  Oh God, it's a pervert, basically.

• 56:34Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 56:36Theo Von?

  Yeah, who knew that train was a pedophile also? That sounds like a bit much, huh? Dude, that's insane, man. So and were you drunk or were you already impaired when the train hit you? Or what kind of condition were you in physically just at that point in your life?

• 56:52Speaker 07

  Oh yeah. I was an everyday alcoholic. We would all, all the boys would meet.

• 56:57Theo Von?

  Well, I got this question though. What, sorry to interrupt you there, but what kind of train driver would hit a drunk, just hit a guy? Would hit a drunk guy?

• 57:08Theo Von?

  Did you ever speak to the driver?

• 57:10Speaker 07

  No. Well, the thing is, is the sea train's moving so fast, right? So it's coming to dock into the station to let everybody off. There's nothing he really could have done to.

• 57:23Theo Von?

  I don't know. You can see a white dude most of the time, you know, no matter what's going on. But damn, brother, I can't believe that. And so, so you were stabbed 10 times. You've been hit by a train. But God had more in store for you, didn't he? What else happened?

• 57:39Speaker 07

  Um, the biggest one was the balcony cuz I ended up buying some cocaine that wasn't wasn't all cocaine.

• 57:47Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:48Speaker 07

  There was meth in it.

• 57:49Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, right. Them moguls got some bounce to them, huh?

• 57:53Speaker 07

  Shit, man. Every time I looked through the little hole in my door, there'd be four people outside with weapons trying to bust in. That's what I would see. I'm dragging the.

• 58:04Theo Von?

  Like a diorama kind of.

• 58:06Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'm dragging the couch with the landlord on it to the front door to try and block it.

• 58:12Theo Von?

  Damn, brother.

• 58:13Speaker 07

  He told me to go to bed, so I went to bed and woke up. All I could do was get a glass of water. I looked through that people in the door and the same thing. People looks like people with guns are trying to bust in the apartment. So I tried to go from my balcony over to the neighbors and I'm on the seventh floor, so.

• 58:35Theo Von?

  And who are the neighbors? Can we let's let's who are they?

• 58:38Speaker 07

  There there was nobody even in there. That's why I was trying to get over to the.

• 58:42Theo Von?

  Okay. And how far is that? Is that a jump you're trying to make or did you have a kind of a rope set up or anything like that? Um, did you have a little trebuchet, anything?

• 58:53Speaker 07

  Shit, like you could, if you reached across, you could pass a beer to your neighbor. So it wasn't that far.

• 58:59Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 59:00Speaker 07

  I just kinda was trying to leapfrog over. I know it's kinda stupid, but when you're fucked up like that.

• 59:07Theo Von?

  Well, it's a great idea. I mean, here's the thing. People don't realize that people that are wasted have done amazing things. You know, one of the guys, um, have you heard of Lewis and Clark?

• 59:18Speaker 07

  Uh, yeah, I think so.

• 59:21Theo Von?

  One of them was an addict and they discovered like a third of the North America. So let's don't. You can't always beat down on addicts, but so take me out there. You're on the balcony, you're high on cocaine. And what is your plan is to make that leap over to the other balcony?

• 59:38Speaker 07

  Yeah, and then the shittiest, I guess the shittiest attempt ever.

• 59:44Theo Von?

  And was it windy? Was it windy?

• 59:46Speaker 07

  Yes, it was. Yeah.

• 59:48Theo Von?

  Brother.

• 59:51Theo Von?

  Big Matty dude, taking on the frickin' Boreas Twins, brother, taking on the jet stream up there, seventh floor Matty, one shot, and how do you make that leap dude? Tell me, take me through that. Are you wearing shoes?

• 1:00:06Speaker 07

  At first I stood up right on the thing and held my hand on the wall, but I was wobbling. Yeah, on the rail of it. So then I was wobbling, so I was like, oh shit, I'm gonna fall. So I like crouched down to try and like leap like that.

• 1:00:23Theo Von?

  Oh, you get some, uh, build up a little bit of energy or whatever, what is it called? Potential energy. You crouch down. Yep.

• 1:00:32Speaker 07

  Yeah, leap my, leapfrog my way down all the way 70 feet.

• 1:00:37Theo Von?

  What happened? Did you bounce off the rail or you even hit the other balcony?

• 1:00:41Speaker 07

  Oh, I didn't even hit the other balcony.

• 1:00:43Theo Von?

  Sorry dude. Sorry to laugh, there's a glitch in the audio.

• 1:00:47Speaker 07

  Yeah, no, it's all good. It's pretty, I laugh about it dude. And now, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes, you know?

• 1:00:55Theo Von?

  Yeah, but that's also, that's one way to look at it, man. But I think another way to look at it is that, uh, you're a miracle, you know? A lot of people do not get to live through stabbings, through train hittings, through falling. How far did you fall?

• 1:01:10Speaker 07

  70 feet.

• 1:01:12Theo Von?

  Okay, and take me, Jesus Christ, that's a lot. And take me through some of that, like when you first hit the, when you, once you first realized you're not gonna make the first balcony, were there lower balconies you could have grabbed?

• 1:01:25Speaker 07

  Uh, not when, cause damn, you fall so fast. I was 200 pounds at the time. And if you weigh 200 pounds and you go over fif- fall 50 feet, you go terminal velocity.

• 1:01:38Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:01:38Speaker 07

  So I, yeah, I hit the ground going terminal velocity for the last 20 feet.

• 1:01:44Theo Von?

  Big dog went down, brother. God dude, and so what were some of your thoughts during that? Did you get into a certain position to absorb the impact? Or were you just kind of like letting, were you praying? What was going on?

• 1:01:57Speaker 07

  When I fell down, actually, I seen like some people on like the third or fourth or whatever floor it was. They were outside smoking on their balcony.

• 1:02:07Theo Von?

  Oh, that's pretty cool.

• 1:02:09Speaker 07

  I hit the ground. They looked over at me and I tell them to bring me some liquor. Because I know I'm going to the hospital. I can't move my damn body. And I was an alcoholic at the time, so.

• 1:02:24Theo Von?

  God, who survives that, brother?

• 1:02:28Speaker 07

  I don't know, man. I've honestly almost died even more times than that. Like when I was a baby, I fell into a motel pool while my parents weren't there. And I was drowned, pronounced dead. And I came back, so, yeah.

• 1:02:42Theo Von?

  Well, you must feel like God wants you here for a reason, brother.

• 1:02:46Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:02:48Theo Von?

  What do you feel like that is after all this? I mean, that's countless times you've escaped death, man. You know, you know, forced to swim as a baby, train hitting, stabbing, stabbing. Uh, or high, you know, high amount stabbing, 70 foot fall off of a balcony.

• 1:03:09Speaker 07

  Yeah, I've been stabbed other times too.

• 1:03:12Theo Von?

  But I think, right, I understand where you're getting at, but I think.

• 1:03:17Theo Von?

  What do you feel like you're, do you feel like you have a bigger purpose? There's a reason. A lot of people are not able to go through all that, man. You understand that's pretty miraculous. Do you understand that?

• 1:03:25Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:03:26Theo Von?

  Amen, brother. And how are you doing today? What's your physical state today?

• 1:03:32Speaker 07

  Um, I'm a tetraplegic, so I can, like, I can't feel or move anything chest down. I can move my arms, but my fingers are stuck like this.

• 1:03:44Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, kind of like Muhammad Ali or whatever?

• 1:03:48Speaker 07

  Yeah, but at the end of the day, I don't ever complain about it because, man, I'm the one who wanted to do coke. And I can't blame that on somebody else. I mean.

• 1:04:00Theo Von?

  And you're a survivor, brother. You're a damn survivor, dude. You're a damn, you know what I'm saying? You're a damn, uh, a gravity monkey, dude. Do you think you will ever walk again, brother?

• 1:04:11Speaker 07

  Um, probably not, but I'm okay with that. I don't really. I love watching YouTube. There's so much, people come up with stuff every day.

• 1:04:21Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:04:23Speaker 07

  Gives me something to do.

• 1:04:24Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, you can watch people walk on YouTube all day if you want and take it easy, you know?

• 1:04:28Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:04:30Theo Von?

  But man, I just, yeah, I appreciate you just jumping on and I appreciate you paying attention to the show and, um. Yeah, we're gonna come to Calgary, dude. You gotta come out. I'd love to get to meet you out there.

• 1:04:40Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'm coming. I already got my VIP tickets, so.

• 1:04:45Theo Von?

  Sweet, bro. Well, yeah, we'll have to catch up, dude. I wanna touch some, uh, magic limbs you got on you, daddy. I'm gonna rub them bitches for good luck. Hell, yeah.

• 1:04:57Theo Von?

  Where do you live these days, man?

• 1:04:59Speaker 07

  I live in, uh, well, now I'm so crippled, I gotta live in like a long-term care home. So I'm, I'm the youngest here. It's pretty much just older people.

• 1:05:10Theo Von?

  Any chicks in there or what?

• 1:05:12Speaker 07

  No, not really. Any disabled chicks?

• 1:05:16Theo Von?

  You gotta pray to meet the one you want. That's what my friend told me the other day. He said, are you praying to meet the woman you wanna meet, you know?

• 1:05:22Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:05:23Theo Von?

  So I gotta start.

• 1:05:24Speaker 07

  I kinda gave up, cause once you, once you sever your spinal cord, man, you can't even bust a nut. I haven't busted a nut since I fell from that balcony.

• 1:05:35Theo Von?

  Oh, damn. How, how, how long before you had fallen did you busted a nut, you think?

• 1:05:41Speaker 07

  Uh, the day before.

• 1:05:42Theo Von?

  Amen, brother. I love it. Finish strong.

• 1:05:47Speaker 07

  Yeah, finish strong.

• 1:05:49Theo Von?

  And look, man, you're gonna bust one. We're gonna, we're gonna, if we can do anything, if we hear of anything that, you know, could help you, any elixirs or anything like that, we'll see what we can do, man, but. Yeah, dude, that's, that's, if you can get hit by a train and still.

• 1:06:07Theo Von?

  Be alive or whatever you can you'll get another nut out.

• 1:06:11Speaker 07

  Oh yeah, that would be nice.

• 1:06:14Theo Von?

  Amen, brother. Well, thank you so much, dude. Get my best everybody up there in Calgary, bro. America's getting weird. We're probably all gonna come up there soon, so uh save me room up there, big dog.

• 1:06:26Speaker 07

  Yeah, Calgary is probably the best, nicest city in Canada, I think, so.

• 1:06:32Theo Von?

  Dude, Canada's so great, man. And it's safe, too. That's the best thing about your stories, I noticed. Is that you didn't get shot in one of them.

• 1:06:39Speaker 07

  Yeah, I've been shot at, but.

• 1:06:43Theo Von?

  But that don't count. You gotta come to America to get shot, brother. That's what we do.

• 1:06:47Speaker 07

  They won't, they won't let me across the border.

• 1:06:51Theo Von?

  Oh, we'll see what we can do. Well, look, right now, you're probably an insurance risk, I would guess, so.

• 1:06:57Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:06:58Theo Von?

  Um, but yeah, dude, that's a good thing about Canada. They got knives, so you always stand a chance, you know? That's one thing I like.

• 1:07:05Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, at least you're not getting shot and just killed instantly.

• 1:07:11Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's so bullshit and lame, dude. I mean, look at you. If you'd got shot that first time, we wouldn't even, you wouldn't even, um. You wouldn't even got hit by a train. That's crazy to say, but you would, you know, the other stuff wouldn't even have happened. You wouldn't have had these other experiences, you know?

• 1:07:27Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:07:29Theo Von?

  So, you're like the worst Evel Knievel in some ways, you know?

• 1:07:35Theo Von?

  Sorry, dude. That's not funny, but.

• 1:07:37Speaker 07

  It's all good. It is funny, dude. I laugh at anything, man. If I didn't become a criminal before, I would have became a comedian, dude. I, I just didn't have any father figure in my life, so I was homeless, sixteen years old downtown selling weed. So, not making good choices, but.

• 1:08:00Theo Von?

  Well, you're alive today, man. Yeah, I do believe that you're here for a purpose. And even just sharing your story right here today, man, you know, resilience is huge. And um, I think the future's bright, brother. I believe that. And I'm just glad I got to talk to you today. And well, we got our first Canadian miracle right there. Matt, um, Ty, how do you say your last name?

• 1:08:19Speaker 07

  Tyberg.

• 1:08:20Theo Von?

  Matt Tyberg, right there, ladies and gentlemen. If you don't believe in miracles, uh, you gotta believe in them now. That's what I feel like. And, uh, Matt, thanks for your time, dude. I look forward to catching up with you in a couple of months.

• 1:08:31Speaker 07

  All right. Awesome. Sounds good. Have a great day.

• 1:08:34Theo Von?

  All right. You too, brother. Cheers, man.

• 1:08:36Speaker 07

  Cheers.

• 1:08:38Theo Von?

  Matthew Tyberg, right there. Let's see if we got one more call that came in here. Uh.

• 1:08:47Speaker 05

  Hey, Theo, this is Willie Bones. What's up, pal?

• 1:08:51Theo Von?

  Willie Bones coming through, baby. Breaker, breaker, one nine. Go through Bones.

• 1:08:56Speaker 05

  What's up, gang? Yo, man, um, I just got one question for you, man. Like, um, I'm dealing with active addiction with, you know, the blow or whatever, but.

• 1:09:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, doing cocaine, brother. I hear you. What's going on?

• 1:09:11Speaker 05

  And I'm just, I just want some tips or some advice, man, on how I can keep this shit. Like, I just have problems, man. I say I'm gonna stop, never do. Sure, you know, you went through the same shit, eh? But.

• 1:09:25Theo Von?

  Well, thanks for calling, Willie. Um, the only things I know about this are I don't think you can, uh, quit cocaine without quitting alcohol. That's, for me, that's what I've seen. I'm not saying that's everybody's case. I'm not, that's for me. For me, that's what I've seen. And then, let me think about what else. Um, yeah, I think you have to get into recovery. Now, if you're pretty bad off, first, you need to go to a detox. And then, once you're clean, then you need to get into a recovery program. You know, maybe a 30-day or an inpatient, or then start to go to Cocaine Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with a friend. If you don't like Cocaine Anonymous meetings, I suggest Alcoholics Anonymous because there's more meetings and it's the same thing.

• 1:10:09Theo Von?

  Cocaine and alcohol aren't the same thing, but addiction is the same. So if you can, you can apply the same principles and you can talk to a sponsor about doing that. Um, I wish I had some other cure for you. That's the only thing that I know that's ever helped me. So I wish you the best of luck, man. It's scary. You know what I realized too about drugs and for me, I was just too much of a pussy to do them really. Some people could get all fucked up and have a blast. I couldn't do that. I'd get all fucked up and squirrel away. I'd hide in your fucking mailbox bitch. UPS boy. I'll hide in your cousin's ass, boy. Take everybody's temperature in there, dog. Praise God, man. Thank you for calling, brother.

• 1:10:53Theo Von?

  And thank you guys again for all the support. We may add a few more shows to this tour. We're almost done with it. And I just want to let you know that and thank you to everybody that's come out. I can't even believe it. Um, what else can I update you on? Oh, we're figuring out some of our stuff with the foundation and what we're gonna do. Been doing some calls um, with different people and just figuring out how to like make a positive difference in the, in the world or in our community, starting there. So that's something that's exciting. I want it to be in the recovery space. I don't know what it all looks like. But um, in my spare time, I've been just discussing with other people who have done similar type things.

• 1:11:34Theo Von?

  And uh, and I just need to pray a little bit more and see if I can get more insight, you know? Just to lead me to something. Um, cause I, I, yeah. I mean, there's causes for sure. There's lots of things, but I wanna, I wanna, yeah, I wanna land in a space that I'm gonna feel motivated to keep doing, you know? Um, one more call that came in. Hi Theo, it's Lenore from Florida. Hey Lenore from Florida. Thank you for calling. I'm calling to wish you a happy birthday. Cause if I remember right, it's March 17th.

• 1:12:19Theo Von?

  Anyway, I'm sending you a big

• 1:12:20Speaker 04

  Big virtual hug. I want you to know you're a very special person, a shining light of not only laughs, but of so much love and compassion. I hope you're doing whatever makes you happy today. Keep shining your light. Love you, Theo. Gang.

• 1:12:39Theo Von?

  Uh, thanks, Lenora. That's sweet of you. I appreciate that. Um.

• 1:12:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's just sweet of you to say. I feel, uh.

• 1:12:53Theo Von?

  You know, I think I feel a little more purposeful sometimes in my life these days, I think. I think there was this moment, kind of even when I had, whenever we talked with Cat Williams on the episode and he said, well.

• 1:13:05Theo Von?

  I was talking about, well, I don't know about this. I don't know about that. And he's like, well, what don't you know? He's like, you're here. You're in this conversation right now. You're in this moment. So to keep second guessing everything. You know, you're here. There's a, you're here. Right? Like. Like, cause I think there was something like, I don't know if we should talk about that. He's like, well, when are we going to talk about it? We have to talk about this is, we're here talking about it. You know, in a lot of my life, I've, I've, I've.

• 1:13:35Theo Von?

  I've been standing in.

• 1:13:39Theo Von?

  You know, I've been standing in the.

• 1:13:43Theo Von?

  In the water. But not really ready to get wet, but it's like, but I'm, I'm in the water.

• 1:13:51Theo Von?

  You know, but it's like, I'm waiting for this, that, you know? But there was this moment with him where he's just like, this is where you are. This is. And I don't mean me, but this is anybody. This is where this. It's, if it's happening now, it's happening now. Like the, you know? Cause a lot of my, I'm always like, it'll this and later and this, and it's like. You know? So I do feel sometimes a little more purposeful. Um, I don't know even what that means exactly, but I just, I don't know. I start to feel a little bit more okay where I am. You know? And that, yeah, I believe that, um.

• 1:14:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, I believe that God's given me a lot of neat stuff. Opportunity.

• 1:14:38Theo Von?

  Like, you know, I believe that you guys have helped me learn like how to express like my feelings and learn about.

• 1:14:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, just thinking and feeling together. We've done a lot of that on this program over the years.

• 1:14:55Theo Von?

  And yeah, I think at some point, you know.

• 1:15:01Theo Von?

  There are.

• 1:15:04Theo Von?

  Positives from that, you know? And so I think, um, yeah, that's where I feel. I feel like a little bit like. There's a reason that all this has kind of happened and that.

• 1:15:16Theo Von?

  There are some positives and let's start to maybe see what those are. And not just in me, but just like, yeah, what, what can be done as a group? What? What can I start or be a part of starting? Or what can we be a part of starting that could?

• 1:15:33Theo Von?

  Be of service, you know? I don't know.

• 1:15:37Theo Von?

  I don't know exactly what I'm saying, but. But I'm able to say it now more than I felt like I was in the past and feel like that's where I'm supposed to be, so. Yeah, I just feel lucky to be alive, you know, lucky to get to see certain things and I think America's getting weird and interesting and it's getting like. Good versus evil type shit and I'm here for that shit. You know? Yeah, I think we've all always wanted to live in like. In the, uh. Gryffindor versus Slytherin type shit. Type shit!

• 1:16:14Theo Von?

  So, but anyway, thank you. Thanks for the happy birthday wishes. What did I do? My buddy John Shahidi from, um.

• 1:16:23Theo Von?

  From Happy Dead sent me a gift. I haven't even opened it yet. My, did my brother give me something? I don't know. My brother came in town too. And his buddy's friend was up here visiting their kid. Their kid was in show choir at the Grand Ole Opry. Or at the Opry Mills. So I got to spend some time with them. What else did we do? Took my, on to my favorite breakfast place. That was fun.

• 1:16:51Theo Von?

  Oh, my mom did give me a gift. She got me an ounce of silver. You know, my mom was never a gold digger. She was a silver digger though. Shout out to silver diggers dude. They don't end up with shit but, you know? But they're not gold diggers dude. But my mom like, you know, she's ready for like the end of things, right? So she's ready. She's like, when the banks go awry and the all the, you know, everything falls apart online, you're gonna have, you could have real silver and you can trade it for stuff. So she got me, um, like an ounce of silver. So that was really cool. I never had that. And what else? Oh, I got a pair of boots. Bought myself a pair of boots that I really like. And? What else did I do?

• 1:17:36Theo Von?

  Oh, I texted some of my friends that had the same birthday.

• 1:17:42Theo Von?

  Trying to think. Oh, I had to work. I had a podcast that I did with a hostage negotiator. That was pretty cool. So, uh, got to do that. And, uh,

• 1:17:54Theo Von?

  did I, is that when I did that? Yup. Yeah. So that's what I did, man. I did the things, yeah, that I liked to do on my birthday. I think I went and worked out. I got to podcast. I got to listen to some music with my mom. And, uh, and it was great. And I'm grateful to be here with you guys today. And, um, yeah, thank you Lenore for the sweet message and thank, uh, and I don't know what that was. And thank you everybody for the support.

• 1:18:21Theo Von?

  And yeah, the hotline is always if you need it, 985-664-9503. And, uh, yeah, there's a light out there for all of us, man. You know, for all types of people.

• 1:18:35Theo Von?

  And life sometimes, you know, you, you just don't get it the way you want it, but it's still, I don't know. Sometimes you gotta meet it halfway, man. Sometimes you gotta put your own pickles on your chili, brother.

• 1:18:47Theo Von?

  But there's a light for all of us. You guys be good to yourselves, baby.

• 1:18:51Theo Von?

  You deserve it, man.

• 1:19:22Theo Von?

  Where we can be free.

• 1:19:29Theo Von?

  Shining for you. Who needs matches?

• 1:19:34Theo Von?

  I'm on fire! Ay!

• 1:19:39Theo Von?

  Two shots of Fireball!

• 1:19:45Theo Von?

  The Bronx is burning!

• 1:19:50Theo Von?

  From the mountain tops Head to the deepest valleys We hear a voice calling you. Do the Trump! And a rising star Shining in the dark and sunny Can't you see? You can be free.

• 1:20:19Theo Von?

  I'm on stairs!