Top Conflict Coach Shares the Key to Staying Cool Under Attack

When someone comes at you with anger, judgment, or blame, it’s easy to take the bait. But real confidence shows up in your ability to stay calm when others lose control. In this episode, I break down how to regulate yourself when you’re under attack — the exact mental shift that stops defensiveness in its tracks. You’ll learn the “observe, don’t absorb” rule, simple breathing and grounding tools, and the one mindset that helps you stay cool no matter who’s trying to push your buttons. Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 40% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. Fabric by Gerber Life: Apply in minutes at https://meetfabric.com/JEFFERSON BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 0:29Jefferson Fisher?

  The key to handling conflict is not what you say, it is what you observe. In today's episode, I'm going to teach you exactly what I teach every single one of my legal clients. So if you've ever wondered, what's it like to be a legal client of Jefferson? Well, today is your chance to do that. Today's the lucky day. We're going to dive into how do you handle high-stress conflict situations and operate at a different level that you did not know was possible? This is the Jefferson Fisher Podcast where we talk about communication and I make a promise to you that if you subscribe to this podcast, if you listen to these episodes, I'm going to make you a better communicator. I'm going to ask wherever you are listening, that you find the button that says subscribe and click it. It is going to take zero time, but it means a great deal to me and my family.

• 1:13Jefferson Fisher?

  And it tells the platforms that what you're listening to is good quality content. And that is my promise to always deliver that. Thank you very much. Today's episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth is a product that I love and have come to love for a very long time because they are, in my world, in my view, the leading brand when it comes to any bamboo products, from bath sheets to towels, to bedding, to clothes. It is cool, it is light, it is comfortable. They're called Cozy Earth for a reason. My family and I, big, major Cozy Earth fans. So if you're like me and like wearing sweatpants and hoodies and big, nice towels after you get out of the shower or bathtub. I haven't taken a bath in a very long time,

• 1:57Jefferson Fisher?

  but maybe, maybe you're somebody who listens and you go, you know, I'm a bath person or a shower person, whichever one it is. Cozy Earth is what's up, I promise you. Go to cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40%. Off that's cozy earth.com slash Jefferson get the code Jefferson for 40% off. All right now, let's keep going. When we talk about difficult, high stress conflict. I'm, I'm talking about not just a little bitty everyday arguments. I'm talking about something that's on your plate. That's coming up right now. And you go, Jefferson, I don't know how to handle this. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'm going to shut down. I'm afraid I'm going to get nervous. I'm going to tell you exactly what I tell every single one of my clients.

• 2:38Jefferson Fisher?

  You ready? Number one, it is not what you say. It is not anything to do with your mouth. It has everything to do with your nervous system. And the key here is instead of absorbing. You're observing. I'm gonna say it again, instead of absorbing, you're observing. If you want to handle conflict at a different level of consciousness that you did not know you could handle it. It is going to be the key of not absorbing what they say, but observing what they say. All right. Say it with me. Say it with me wherever you are. It's not absorbing, it's observing. All right. What does that mean?

• 3:22Jefferson Fisher?

  I want you to think, this is just coming to me right now. I want you to think you're in the grocery store and you have your, your cart with you and you're going through. And you, or maybe, maybe you're somebody who likes a bag, you know, you, you, you have a, I'm, I'm all for environmentally friendly stuff too. Though it's hard here in Texas and you have your cart and you just start putting things on the shelf. Grabbing things off the shelf and putting it in your basket that you, you don't even want, right? You don't even want. Things just start to come in. You're like, yeah, you know what? I'm going to take their belittling opinion of me. I'm going to put it in my cart. You know, I'm going to take their side eye, put it in my cart. I'm going to take that, that disrespectful tone and put that in my cart. And you just keep going all the way through aisle by aisle. And then you go to checkout.

• 4:06Jefferson Fisher?

  Which is actually a very good word for this. You, you mentally check out and you know what checks in? Your nervous system, your emotions, and they just flood you in that moment. And in that point in time, you have absorbed. You have taken on so many things that there's nothing left for you. You're not observing, you're not seeing what's happening. You're just in it. You're just in it and you are helpless to it. It is no longer you who controls the emotions. The emotions are now controlling you and there's no telling what you're going to say. There's no, there's no, nobody can guess what's going to come out of your mouth or what's going to happen because you're not there. You are checked out.

• 4:48Jefferson Fisher?

  So when I tell my clients, hey, when you're in the chair and somebody is, the other attorney's asking you questions, there's going to be a time where all of a sudden you're tempted to go in it, to go down the spiral and look inside and look at yourself and feel emotions and get heated because you're going to start taking things personally. You're going to start absorbing what they're saying. No, no, no, no. If you want to handle this the right way, the proper way in conflict, you have to start observing. What does that mean? That means you're going to approach the conversation at a different level of consciousness that you have before. That means instead of going, how could he say that to me? Oh, my gosh, I'm, and you start holding your breath and you start getting flustered and you get nervous or maybe you tear up.

• 5:33Jefferson Fisher?

  It's because you're not seeing it as, huh, I wonder why he's asking me this. I wonder why she's saying that. I wonder where they're going with this. Look for the intent behind the words. The intent behind the words. When you are observing what's happening, in some sense, being an attached observer. I've said this before, where it's like you are sitting in a movie theater with your popcorn and you're watching the conversation take place. And that puts you in a different perspective of looking at the person who's talking to you and thinking, I wonder why that character is saying this. I wonder what the plot is. I wonder what the narrative is. I wonder what scene is coming up next.

• 6:15Jefferson Fisher?

  And you see how, when you look at it that way, you have full control. You're now the director, the producer, the screenwriter of exactly what happens next. And then it's just action and you're able to be in the state of mind of, hey, I'm observing the conversation. And from there, that gives you a chance to let your body regulate because you're not in it. You are seeing it. You're seeing the conversation. Number two, what I teach everyone in my clients is something that's at the forefront of my book. The next conversation, argue less, talk more. And rule number one, when I say, say it with control, and that is let your breath.

• 6:50Jefferson Fisher?

  Be the first word that you say.

• 6:54Jefferson Fisher?

  I've been talking a little fast here in this podcast, which is unlike me. I think I'll tell you why. I drank too much coffee this morning, too much coffee, admittedly. Usually I talk pretty slow, alright? Can you hear how just the way I'm talking now? And how I'm slowing down just a little bit? Might in a micro percentage also slow you down a little bit? Maybe, you know, the neural activity in your brain is starting to slow down just a little bit. Maybe you feel a little bit more relaxed at me speaking a little more slowly. When I put

• 7:41Jefferson Fisher?

  breath before my words, it is making sure that I am regulating myself. And even more importantly, I am showing you. I'm showing you that I am regulated, that I am in control. And what I'm about to say, I've chosen. I've chosen those words. Makes a very big difference. So when I teach my clients, hey, don't get wrapped up. Don't try and step on somebody's question. Don't try to interrupt them. Let them get it out. And then you observe the question, observe the the interaction, take a breath,

• 8:18Jefferson Fisher?

  and then choose what you want to say. You are in complete control of the pace of any conversation. Nobody can make you say anything you don't want to say. And nobody can make you say it at a time you don't want to say it. That choice is yours. That choice is yours. And I cannot tell you how many clients I have seen come to find, accept, and grow in their own power and their own sense of value and worth of wow, I get to choose if I say anything. And you know what? If I want to wait 30 seconds before I say something, I can do that. It's it is a freeing feeling to know, mm. No, I'm going to think about this. Let me chew on this question for a second.

• 9:05Jefferson Fisher?

  Just that alone, the ability to say that says, oh, no, no, I'm operating at a different level you don't know about. No, I'm, I'm not who you thought I was. I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm going to choose my words and I'm going to show you that what I'm about to say is something that I absolutely mean. And I'm saying with intention. Can you feel the difference? Say, what kind of breath are we talking about? I've run through this breath before. It's always good to do it because it's something that is good for me too. It's a conversational breath. And what it does, it's based on a physiological sigh, which is a double, well, that kind of sounded weird, double inhalation, double inhalation. So you're breathing, you're inhaling twice.

• 9:50Jefferson Fisher?

  All right. So you ready with me? We're going to breathe through your nose. Wherever you are, just do it. Don't worry about it. People might look at you. Don't worry. Ready? We're going to breathe in through your nose about two to three seconds. One more at the top and then let out through your nose. My guess is you're starting to come down a little bit. Maybe your shoulders relaxed a little bit. It's the feeling that mimics a sigh. When you use that kind of breath, and I promise you, you continue to do it while I'm talking right now, you'll see that you get really good at it. You can do it anytime. The most crucial part for me is when I teach my clients

• 10:28Jefferson Fisher?

  to do it is before they answer the question. Just take two seconds or one second. What we like to say here in the South is just say one Mississippi. In other words, in your head, you're going to go Mississippi. Like, well, you can use your own name if you have a long name, you know, just whatever it is, it's, it's to get you in the mindset of taking a beat, a moment, take that breath and choose what you want to say. It is always going to be better. Now, before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about Fabric by Gerber Life. You know, it gives me a lot of peace of mind. It's knowing that if something was ever going to happen to me or my family, and I have, I have two kids, my son is seven, my daughter is

• 11:09Jefferson Fisher?

  five, that they're going to be taken care of in a world that's Scary, honestly, and I travel a lot and I do a lot of things and that's what life insurance is really for. It's making sure that the people and your loved ones in your life and that depending on you also have a peace of mind. And it's, it's hard to think about sometimes. It's weird to think about, but it's, it really is something important. Fabric by Gerber Life is a term life insurance you can get done today. It's made for busy parents like you, like me, all online and on your schedule, right from your couch, actually. You can be covered in under 10 minutes with no health exam required whatsoever. So if you're young

• 11:51Jefferson Fisher?

  and healthy, now's the time to lock in rates. Even if you have coverage through work, it might not be enough. So you want to make sure that that gets taken care of and it may not follow you if you leave your job. Fabric makes it simple. Flexible, high-quality policies that fit your family and your budget, like a million dollars in coverage for less than a dollar a day. And they've partnered with Gerber Life, which is trusted by millions of families for over 50 years. Join the thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. You can apply today in just minutes at meetfabric.com/jefferson. That's meetfabric.com/jefferson. Policies issued by Western Southern Life Insurance Company, not available in certain states. Price is subject to underwriting and health questions.

• 12:36Jefferson Fisher?

  And now, back to the episode. And number three, the third thing that I teach every single one of my clients is to use less words. Say less. Now, in the legal context, if my witness starts to give a very long answer, you know what happens? Every, why did I say it like that? Happens? What happens is I guarantee them that the opposing attorney is now going to slice up that long answer they just gave and turn that into five more questions, 10 more questions. The shorter the answer, the stronger, more clear it is

• 13:18Jefferson Fisher?

  every single time. If I give you an answer that is short and concise, you can do nothing with it. You can do nothing with it. Here's the difference. So I might have a client who I've trained and we practice a lot. And when she might take a breath and answer a question and go, No. And that's it. That's the only answer. What can the other attorney do? Nothing. They can't do anything with it. They can only go to their next question. But I've also had it, despite my training and teaching, where somebody goes, "You know, I'm not sure. You know, that it was just such a hectic day and you know, I forgot to go pick up the eggs and my, and my dog was sick and you know, he just, it just, you know, peanut butter messes up his system."

• 14:03Jefferson Fisher?

  And I just find that, and I'm going, "Oh, my gosh, what is happening?" So, that happens. That happens because people are, are human, right? So, we have to take a break and I go, "What are we doing? Come on, get back in it with me." So, you see the difference in if somebody's giving a very long answer, some practical things happen. One is, I'm giving, the witness is giving more information than is needed, right? Unnecessary information, which means the other person, and let's put this in everyday application. Everyday people are going to get confused as to what the answer is. They're going to fill in their own assumptions of why you're not answering it directly.

• 14:43Jefferson Fisher?

  They're going to hear that there's just more words, which just automatically leads to the possibility of more confusion and more miscommunication. We don't want that. We want short, concise. So, I like to say it when I, when I teach, is that if I ask you, "Do you have the time? Do you know what time it is?" That means I'm going to ask you to stop and ask that question in your mind, "Do I know what time it is? What am I asking? Do you know what time it is? And if you give me the time, oh, it's, um, 8:03." That's the wrong answer. That's the wrong answer. If I say, "Do you know the time?", the answer is, "Yes, I do."

• 15:27Jefferson Fisher?

  It's that detailed. It is that detailed because in my world, it has to be that detailed. You have to be. In an everyday conversation, those high stake, high emotions, just when everything is on the, the table, everything's on the line. Every little word of clarity matters a great deal. And I have to make sure that you're prepared. So when you condense your words into something that is very short, very concise, the longer of an answer you give, the more opportunity there is for miscommunication, more opportunity there is for somebody to take your answer and twist it. Here's an example. Have you ever been in a text argument with somebody? I have. I know you have.

• 16:11Jefferson Fisher?

  And they just sent you something and you're like, oh, really? And you just start texting on your phone, just going after it. And you write a paragraph, I'm talking, you just, you hit them so good and it's perfect. And you're, it's, it's, this is exactly how I feel. And you send it and they send a text that doesn't even address anything that you said at all. Or maybe they addressed one part that they could defend and like, but they ignored all the rest. It's that same principle. You're giving someone way too much to take and to twist. So if you want to handle high conflict, like I teach everyone in my clients,

• 16:54Jefferson Fisher?

  you have to keep your answers as short as possible. Answer their question and only their question. All right? Okay. Hey, look, you're, you're ready. You're ready. I know we, maybe we're going to need to talk about this. Let's go grab some coffee, make sure you get some snacks, feel good. We're about to go into this deposition room together and you're going to do awesome. I promise. What did we talk about today? When it comes to high stakes conversation, number one, observe, don't absorb. Observe, don't absorb. Number two, use your breath as the first word that you say. Slow it down and choose your words. Be intentional with them.

• 17:37Jefferson Fisher?

  Make sure that you are operating on your timeframe, not somebody else's. And number three, say less. Shorten your answers. When you give way too much, you allow the opportunity for somebody to grab onto it, pieces and say things you didn't mean, you're giving them more to twist. You're giving them more to twist. It's like giving somebody a long piece of rope. They, they're able to put a bunch of knots in it. But if you just give them a little bit of rope, it, maybe it's not even enough to do a, a, a, to tie their shoe with, right? It's a big difference. You want to make sure that you're very short and concise. Man, my examples of day are all over the place. We talked about the grocery store.

• 18:18Jefferson Fisher?

  We talked about shoelaces. Man, what a, what a day. What an episode. I am always proud of you and I hope you use your words for good and for light wherever you are. As always, you can try that and follow me.

• 18:33Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.