Ike Barinholtz asks about opening a restaurant

Ike Barinholtz ("The Studio," "The Mindy Project") asks Handsome to create their own restaurant, with hilarious results! Plus Mae's leg reveal, Fortune goin' fishin', and some very rhythmic construction over at Tig's house!! Don't forget to get tickets to our May 4 Live Show in LA https://www.ticketmaster.com/netflix-is-a-joke-presents-handsome-los-angeles-california-05-04-2026/event/0900642CE31BB7C3! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepod and Hulu https://www.hulu.com/series/b583d0bc-eeb0-4560-8b2b-5c8ae0248a19?play=false&utm_source=shared_linkThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:05Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:36Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium professional website. With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time.

• 1:20Mae Martin?

  Squarespace makes it easy, so easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes. So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 1:49Tig Notaro?

  Cheers.

• 1:50Mae Martin?

  Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm one of your hosts, Mae Martin, joined by two very handsome people as well.

• 1:58Fortune Feimster?

  Tig Notaro. Unfortunately, Feimster.

• 2:01Mae Martin?

  Hi, guys.

• 2:04Tig Notaro?

  Welcome back. I feel like it's been a beat.

• 2:07Mae Martin?

  I feel like that. It's been a beat.

• 2:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And May doesn't have a bus in the background or traffic going by. What is going on? Where are you? How is this possible?

• 2:17Fortune Feimster?

  Microphone?

• 2:18Mae Martin?

  I got my proper mic, got my proper headphones, cause um, and I got a hotel room just to do the pod. Cause the wifi is so bad, like on the bus and it's been so chaotic. So I feel good. I did a couple of pushups. I had a shower.

• 2:32Fortune Feimster?

  I was about to say the shower part is gonna be nice.

• 2:35Mae Martin?

  Oh yeah, it's nice.

• 2:36Fortune Feimster?

  That's worth it, right there. The wifi and the shower.

• 2:39Mae Martin?

  The bus driver said, don't shower when the bus is moving. You'll, you'll find it scary. And I was like, I'm fine. And then I was in the shower and he started and it was like, whoa, and I got my razor in there. I'm trying to shave. No, it was bad.

• 2:52Fortune Feimster?

  He was right.

• 2:52Tig Notaro?

  What do you shave?

• 2:54Mae Martin?

  I knew you were gonna, as soon as I said razor, I thought, oh no, I walked into that. Well, you know, I've, I started shaving my legs again, just for fun.

• 3:02Tig Notaro?

  And it's, it's been a good time?

• 3:04Mae Martin?

  It's been a blast.

• 3:07Tig Notaro?

  Could we see a shaven leg?

• 3:10Mae Martin?

  Well, yeah, at the moment.

• 3:12Tig Notaro?

  Well, I'm in the mood.

• 3:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you are.

• 3:14Mae Martin?

  I didn't shave in this shower, so they're, they're pretty prickly, but like.

• 3:19Tig Notaro?

  That is a good looking shaved leg. Hot off the YouTube press.

• 3:25Mae Martin?

  I like how it feels in the sheets, you know? I like that we're, we're all wearing black. We look like.

• 3:31Fortune Feimster?

  It feels in the sheets too.

• 3:34Fortune Feimster?

  Whatever it is.

• 3:36Tig Notaro?

  It is a shaved leg.

• 3:38Mae Martin?

  A smooth calf.

• 3:40Fortune Feimster?

  Anything in the sheet is fun, right?

• 3:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah, true.

• 3:43Tig Notaro?

  Now, I can't remember, May, do you have hairy pits?

• 3:45Mae Martin?

  No, I don't.

• 3:46Tig Notaro?

  You shave that too?

• 3:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I can't, I don't know. It's, when it grow, listen, no judgment to anyone where it's growing like out.

• 3:57Mae Martin?

  Like. Like out, out, you know, it's that I can't do that. But yeah, what about you guys?

• 4:02Tig Notaro?

  So you're saying like, rather than the hair that grows out and then hangs down?

• 4:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah, like, I think if it's long enough to be draping, that's fine. But it's, it's when it really grows out, out. But wait, what about your pits and legs, please? Both of you?

• 4:16Fortune Feimster?

  I shave.

• 4:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I'm, I'm a pretty little lady, top to bottom. I am just, uh, no armpit hair, no leg hair.

• 4:25Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 4:25Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. I even shaved my mustache.

• 4:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Yeah. Do you use like a razor or one of those little dermaplaner blades? I've sometimes done that on my face.

• 4:39Tig Notaro?

  Well, I don't really shave my mustache.

• 4:40Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I do.

• 4:46Fortune Feimster?

  Cause the testosterone, I think, makes me grow.

• 4:48Tig Notaro?

  Oh, right.

• 4:49Fortune Feimster?

  That makes sense.

• 4:50Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:51Fortune Feimster?

  I shave my armpits. I shave my legs. Um, I like, I like a smooth, I like to be smooth.

• 4:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, feels good in the bed.

• 4:59Fortune Feimster?

  It feels good in the sheets. Yeah. Anytime I, armpits get unruly, yeah, it feels, I'm like, ah, I wanna, I don't know, something about shaving it makes it feel like, uh, like how people say, uh, hair holds energy in your head.

• 5:16Mae Martin?

  Wait, do they?

• 5:17Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 5:18Tig Notaro?

  They haven't told me that, or may.

• 5:20Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, the woo woo people believe that your hair holds on to energy. So that when you get it trimmed, you're like letting, shedding some of that.

• 5:31Mae Martin?

  That feels right. Yeah.

• 5:34Fortune Feimster?

  But you know, not everyone believes that, but I can see, I can see that.

• 5:38Mae Martin?

  I believe in that for the rest of my life. All you have to do is say it.

• 5:41Tig Notaro?

  I just got a haircut and I didn't experience that.

• 5:44Fortune Feimster?

  You don't feel lighter emotionally?

• 5:47Tig Notaro?

  Sure.

• 5:48Mae Martin?

  I always feel lighter after a haircut. Yeah.

• 5:50Tig Notaro?

  Well, I guess technically you are, you know, if you were to weigh in.

• 5:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:55Tig Notaro?

  Probably be a little bit lighter.

• 5:57Fortune Feimster?

  A shedding of sorts.

• 5:59Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 6:00Mae Martin?

  You do look sharp. We all, we all look like we're, um, I don't know, in, in a, in the jets or like, like we're all in black.

• 6:07Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, we are. Cool as hell.

• 6:09Tig Notaro?

  It's like we're a street gang or something that nobody's scared of.

• 6:13Mae Martin?

  Can you imagine if we descended on someone in an alley or like, hey?

• 6:19Fortune Feimster?

  It'd be more like West Side Story.

• 6:21Tig Notaro?

  And that would be your gang voice?

• 6:24Mae Martin?

  Hey.

• 6:25Tig Notaro?

  Hey.

• 6:25Mae Martin?

  Hey.

• 6:26Tig Notaro?

  Hey you guys. What's your gang voice?

• 6:29Fortune Feimster?

  What are you doing around these parts?

• 6:31Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, is that yours?

• 6:33Mae Martin?

  That's it, I think.

• 6:33Fortune Feimster?

  Um, my gang voice would be like, what's up?

• 6:37Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh.

• 6:38Fortune Feimster?

  You, uh, you lost?

• 6:41Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's good.

• 6:42Fortune Feimster?

  And then I would give them directions.

• 6:46Mae Martin?

  To where?

• 6:47Fortune Feimster?

  Wherever they need to be.

• 6:49Tig Notaro?

  Oh, so you're a helpful gang?

• 6:50Fortune Feimster?

  I, yes, I am.

• 6:52Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, this is a helpful gang.

• 6:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah, of course, yeah.

• 6:55Tig Notaro?

  I don't talk. My, my gang character doesn't talk. My gang character just has crossed arms and just nods like, yeah, what they said.

• 7:03Mae Martin?

  Like the get along gang. That was kinda like my, my part in Fortune's golf show with Will Ferrell. I did a lot of standing with my arms crossed, nodding.

• 7:13Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 7:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I was like, yeah.

• 7:15Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 7:18Fortune Feimster?

  That's coming out of the summer already, you know?

• 7:20Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 7:21Tig Notaro?

  That's exciting. What, is that on Netflix?

• 7:24Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 7:25Tig Notaro?

  That's so exciting.

• 7:26Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 7:27Tig Notaro?

  And what's it called?

• 7:28Fortune Feimster?

  The Hawk?

• 7:29Tig Notaro?

  The Hawk, right, you said that.

• 7:31Fortune Feimster?

  Will's gonna be hosting SNL in May, so that'll be cool.

• 7:35Mae Martin?

  Do you get to go?

• 7:36Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go watch him, cause I'm, I have a show in Reading, Pennsylvania the night before. So I'll just go back into Philly, take the train up to New York, easy peasy.

• 7:48Tig Notaro?

  Lemon squeezy.

• 7:49Fortune Feimster?

  Lemon squeezy. And I'm gonna go watch him do his thing.

• 7:53Tig Notaro?

  Nice.

• 7:53Mae Martin?

  I really, I, have you ever said to anyone, are you lost? Like, in a threatening way?

• 7:59Fortune Feimster?

  Are you lost?

• 8:01Mae Martin?

  No.

• 8:01Fortune Feimster?

  And that would be, if I asked them that, it would be more of like, is, where's your soul right now? Is your soul lost?

• 8:07Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 8:08Tig Notaro?

  Have you lost yourself?

• 8:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 8:10Tig Notaro?

  Or like, where are your parents?

• 8:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 8:13Tig Notaro?

  Are you lost?

• 8:14Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 8:15Mae Martin?

  Have you ever offered someone a knuckle sandwich?

• 8:17Tig Notaro?

  Hmm.

• 8:18Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 8:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 8:20Mae Martin?

  You have?

• 8:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, my brother.

• 8:22Mae Martin?

  You said, can I make you a sandwich? He goes, oh, sure, what's that, knuckle?

• 8:26Tig Notaro?

  Well, I think we just exchanged offers over and over.

• 8:30Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 8:30Tig Notaro?

  Do you want a knuckle sandwich? You know.

• 8:34Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 8:34Tig Notaro?

  And.

• 8:34Fortune Feimster?

  And he offered you one back?

• 8:36Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we both offered knuckle sandwiches back and forth.

• 8:39Fortune Feimster?

  Seems redundant.

• 8:41Mae Martin?

  Funny with siblings where now like now we're all adults and you're having a coffee with this other adult and you both know that you were insane to each other as kids, like that you were.

• 8:51Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 8:52Fortune Feimster?

  I'm going fishing with my brother next week, um, next weekend, which is kind of funny because like he and I have not done anything like this in years.

• 9:02Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 9:03Fortune Feimster?

  And he, he's an avid fisherman and he's been trying to get me to go fishing with him forever. And I just finally was like, okay, let's go fishing. So I'm gonna have a sibling weekend with my brother.

• 9:15Tig Notaro?

  That's great. Yeah. Are you going in the ocean or lake or river?

• 9:18Fortune Feimster?

  We're going up in the Niagara Falls area. Um, because he said it's like unbelievably gorgeous there. But I believe, so I believe it's freshwater where we're going.

• 9:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 9:32Fortune Feimster?

  Um, I have not, I know I look butch.

• 9:37Fortune Feimster?

  Um, but I'm a dainty little, pretty little lady on the inside. I'm worried, not worried, I'm not losing sleep over it, but I will definitely be a big puss when it comes to baiting my hook.

• 9:54Tig Notaro?

  Oh, because it's live work. Have you done it before?

• 9:57Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, as a kid. And we have some friends that are going too, and I'm probably going to get laughed at.

• 10:05Mae Martin?

  Can, I feel like you can get them to do it for you.

• 10:08Fortune Feimster?

  I know, but man, I feel like I'm, my butch card, you know, because I'm so butch.

• 10:13Tig Notaro?

  Revoked.

• 10:14Fortune Feimster?

  It's gonna get revoked, right?

• 10:16Mae Martin?

  Because you're not slamming worms onto those hooks.

• 10:19Fortune Feimster?

  And then when, and then if I am lucky enough to catch a fish, which we all know I will. Um, I don't wanna then touch it.

• 10:28Mae Martin?

  Well, that, yeah, that's fair, I think.

• 10:31Fortune Feimster?

  But you guys, I think that my butch card will be taken from me.

• 10:35Tig Notaro?

  Can you, instead of like live bait, use like allure?

• 10:39Fortune Feimster?

  I'll, I'll ask my brother.

• 10:41Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:42Fortune Feimster?

  Otherwise, he's gonna have to bait my hook.

• 10:44Tig Notaro?

  Hello.

• 10:45Fortune Feimster?

  But I also don't wanna touch my fish.

• 10:47Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. What are we talking about?

• 10:49Fortune Feimster?

  We're still talking about fishing. These are not euphemisms. This is my brother.

• 10:54Mae Martin?

  Hmm, I think true masculinity, it, it comes from having, having boundaries, knowing what you like and don't like and saying, hey, touch my fish.

• 11:03Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, guys, I don't wanna put a, I don't wanna touch a worm.

• 11:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 11:07Tig Notaro?

  And I don't wanna touch my fish.

• 11:09Fortune Feimster?

  I don't wanna touch my fish, so I'm gonna need somebody to do this for me.

• 11:12Mae Martin?

  So basically, I'll, I'll just stand there with the pole? And if anything happens, I'll pass it off.

• 11:17Tig Notaro?

  Hmm.

• 11:18Mae Martin?

  Is fishing just, most of fishing is just like sta- standing, right?

• 11:22Tig Notaro?

  And talking.

• 11:23Mae Martin?

  Talking.

• 11:24Fortune Feimster?

  Hopefully, hopefully, people have stuff to talk about, otherwise awkward.

• 11:29Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that could be so awkward. Maybe you could offer your brother a knuckle sandwich.

• 11:35Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, maybe.

• 11:36Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 11:36Fortune Feimster?

  If he, if he doesn't bait, bait my hook.

• 11:38Tig Notaro?

  Hello.

• 11:39Fortune Feimster?

  I'll give him a knuckle sandwich.

• 11:41Tig Notaro?

  Right in the.

• 11:43Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 11:44Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:44Mae Martin?

  But, I don't know. You'll be in charge of food for the day.

• 11:47Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 11:48Mae Martin?

  When he asks, say, oh yeah, I brought you a knuckle s-.

• 11:50Fortune Feimster?

  A knuckle sandwich. But I kinda like the idea of like sibling trips as an adult.

• 11:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 11:56Tig Notaro?

  And does he typically go on fishing trips himself? He's, he, he does that.

• 12:02Fortune Feimster?

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:03Mae Martin?

  Are you gonna eat the fish?

• 12:05Tig Notaro?

  A good question, May.

• 12:06Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know. That's a good question, May.

• 12:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, really good. I mean, one of the best questions we've had on this podcast.

• 12:13Fortune Feimster?

  Thanks, thanks.

• 12:14Tig Notaro?

  Well, not to compete, but I'm gonna see my brother next week.

• 12:18Fortune Feimster?

  Really?

• 12:18Tig Notaro?

  Wow. Yeah, no fishing trip, but I'm gonna see him and his wife and kids and, um, who knows what's gonna happen?

• 12:29Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 12:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah, what are you gonna?

• 12:31Tig Notaro?

  I mean, I have an idea. We usually sit around and talk and.

• 12:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 12:35Tig Notaro?

  Go get coffees and play with the kids and the dog. That's, I know exactly what's gonna happen.

• 12:42Fortune Feimster?

  You know exactly, yeah.

• 12:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 12:43Fortune Feimster?

  Is it just you or the family's not going?

• 12:46Tig Notaro?

  It's just me.

• 12:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 12:48Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 12:48Mae Martin?

  Do you like revisit the same conversations with, like with, I have different people in my life where we have the same conversation over and over.

• 12:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, like us.

• 12:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we cover some similar ground.

• 13:02Fortune Feimster?

  You mean?

• 13:04Tig Notaro?

  We're on a cycle.

• 13:07Mae Martin?

  When I was in Toronto, I saw an old, my old roommate, I haven't, I haven't really hung out with her in, in, yeah, 15 years or something. And we went right back to like this, we were talking about the same house parties that we were still processing. Like, we, we used to have a bong called Gary Sinise. We talked a lot about that.

• 13:28Mae Martin?

  We used to rent DVDs of CSI and watch a whole season of CSI in two days.

• 13:34Fortune Feimster?

  The original one?

• 13:35Mae Martin?

  Yeah, like the, or the Gary Sinise one. So what was that? Gary Sinise was on?

• 13:41Tig Notaro?

  Now, had you smoked out of Gary Sinise while you were talking about Gary Sinise?

• 13:47Mae Martin?

  When, when we lived together, yeah, we watched CSI with Gary Sinise while smoking out of Gary Sinise.

• 13:53Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 13:53Tig Notaro?

  CSI New York, Thomas.

• 13:55Mae Martin?

  CSI New York, yeah, correct. Yeah. Yeah. But I get, I'm, I'm really nostalgia driven. Like, we recreated a photo that we took 15 years ago. I love all that.

• 14:06Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 14:06Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 14:07Mae Martin?

  And she was, I mean, we were, we were a mess when we lived together. And now she's like a big costume designer on, she's done so well. She's awesome.

• 14:15Fortune Feimster?

  Cool. Yeah. In Toronto?

• 14:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 14:19Fortune Feimster?

  Nice.

• 14:20Mae Martin?

  And she, so her mom, she, I went away and then, maybe I've told you this, I'm sure it's in the cycle.

• 14:28Mae Martin?

  But I went away and then she emailed me when we lived together. We were like 20. She said, oh, my mom's gonna be crashing on our couch for a couple of weeks. Is that okay? I was like, yeah. She said, oh, she'll be gone by the time you get back. And then I got back and there she was. And, and, and then eventually it got too awkward. And my roommate moved out and it was just me and her mom. We lived there another year.

• 14:48Fortune Feimster?

  You lived for a year with her mom?

• 14:50Mae Martin?

  Yes, and guess what? She still lives in that apartment. So she's, she set her sights on it and she-

• 14:55Fortune Feimster?

  She's like, I'm gonna squat until this place is mine.

• 14:59Tig Notaro?

  How many years has she, like, it's a rental. She doesn't own it?

• 15:02Mae Martin?

  It's a rental and they've never raised the rent and she just loves it. It's right on Queen Street and it's, uh, she's been there 18 years now, I guess.

• 15:10Fortune Feimster?

  Dang.

• 15:11Tig Notaro?

  That is wild.

• 15:13Fortune Feimster?

  And you guys got along well?

• 15:15Mae Martin?

  Me and Norma, yeah. The mom?

• 15:18Fortune Feimster?

  Norma, of course.

• 15:19Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes.

• 15:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we did. She was hilarious. Uh, except one time I was listening to Prince with my friends. I mean, this was, I was an adult in my own apartment, you know, but suddenly with a mom living there.

• 15:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 15:32Mae Martin?

  And we were listening to Prince and it must've been like one in the morning or something. And she comes out of her bedroom and goes, guys, don't you think the music's a little dank? We were like, dank? I don't know. I still don't know what that meant.

• 15:47Tig Notaro?

  What do you feel like it means?

• 15:49Mae Martin?

  Dank, like-

• 15:50Fortune Feimster?

  Dank is, it's more like, it's not positive, right?

• 15:54Mae Martin?

  No.

• 15:55Tig Notaro?

  Doesn't it sound, it sounds smelly, first of all. It sounds wet.

• 15:59Mae Martin?

  Like smutty and wet, but it was Prince.

• 16:02Fortune Feimster?

  Smutty and wet.

• 16:04Mae Martin?

  I think what she meant was, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to sleep.

• 16:08Tig Notaro?

  And this was 10 years ago?

• 16:09Mae Martin?

  No, eight, like almost 20. I was, I was 20 years old, so 18.

• 16:14Tig Notaro?

  Cause I was gonna say if it was 10 years ago, that's actually when Prince died.

• 16:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 16:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 16:20Tig Notaro?

  He died 10 years ago.

• 16:22Mae Martin?

  Is that right?

• 16:22Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 16:24Mae Martin?

  I saw a clip of-

• 16:25Tig Notaro?

  In April.

• 16:25Mae Martin?

  -him performing the other day. I didn't realize he was so physical. He was doing like-

• 16:29Fortune Feimster?

  Throwing himself.

• 16:31Mae Martin?

  Yeah. You guys like Prince?

• 16:34Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 16:35Tig Notaro?

  We're living, breathing, human beings.

• 16:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah, sorry.

• 16:39Tig Notaro?

  Are you guys hearing the drilling at my house?

• 16:42Mae Martin?

  Oh, let me listen.

• 16:43Tig Notaro?

  It's, it's, it's ever so slight right now, but sometimes it can ramp up. It's, it's not happening anymore, but, uh, we're getting a new deck.

• 16:52Mae Martin?

  Can you guys hear my heartbeat? Oh my god.

• 16:56Tig Notaro?

  This is so romantic.

• 16:58Mae Martin?

  Hear my heart pumping for you?

• 17:09Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna see my mom next week.

• 17:12Tig Notaro?

  Oh, when you go for the fishing trip?

• 17:14Fortune Feimster?

  Before the fishing trip, I'll see my mom. She's having a bunch of tests and MRIs and everything next week, so she asked me to come. But that will be the deciding factor. May and I talked about this on a mini-sode. Whether or not I'm gonna take my mom to Europe for a little bit.

• 17:33Mae Martin?

  So you're gonna see how the test results go.

• 17:34Fortune Feimster?

  Next week will be the deciding factor, so.

• 17:37Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 17:38Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, cuz I'm gonna do a bunch of shows the end of May, early June in Europe. And we were weighing in on whether or not she was gonna come to the Copenhagen, London, and Dublin part of the trip.

• 17:52Tig Notaro?

  Has she been to those places before?

• 17:55Fortune Feimster?

  She's been to London, but not Copenhagen and not Dublin. She wanted to go to all those cities. Cuz I'm going to Stockholm, Oslo. Berlin, where's somewhere else, but I was like, we gotta, we cannot do the whole.

• 18:11Mae Martin?

  A whole European road trip, yeah.

• 18:13Tig Notaro?

  Why?

• 18:14Fortune Feimster?

  Just because.

• 18:14Mae Martin?

  This is her health.

• 18:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. She only has so much stamina, so we'll see.

• 18:20Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 18:21Mae Martin?

  Hopefully the tests are good cuz I think that'd be fun. I don't know, I'm not the one that is going.

• 18:27Fortune Feimster?

  So I'd just gone to Amsterdam. And I did a show there, but everyone thought that was the trip I was referring to with my mom. So literally everyone was like, did your mom go? Did your mom go? I was like, that wrong trip. I'm going back.

• 18:44Tig Notaro?

  Oh, when you saw people at the show were coming up?

• 18:47Fortune Feimster?

  People, I had posted that I'd just got back from Amsterdam. Cuz I did a separate trip there. Cuz I had to do some other work stuff. And so they thought that was the trip I was trying to decide whether or not to take her on. But that was not the one. There's another one coming up. I went to Amsterdam and it was tulip season.

• 19:10Mae Martin?

  Oh, wait, yes, tell us about Amsterdam, girl.

• 19:12Fortune Feimster?

  It was the most gorgeous. Flowers I've ever seen.

• 19:16Mae Martin?

  Tulips and clogs.

• 19:18Fortune Feimster?

  Tulips and clogs.

• 19:20Tig Notaro?

  Did you tiptoe?

• 19:21Fortune Feimster?

  I did go through the red, I did go through the red light district.

• 19:24Mae Martin?

  Oh, you did. But did you tiptoe through the tulips, first of all?

• 19:27Fortune Feimster?

  I did not tiptoe through the tulips.

• 19:29Tig Notaro?

  Why do you have to tiptoe through the tulips?

• 19:32Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know.

• 19:33Tig Notaro?

  Cause they're fragile?

• 19:35Mae Martin?

  What's his name? The guy that sings that?

• 19:37Fortune Feimster?

  I don't even know what you guys are referring to.

• 19:40Tig Notaro?

  You've never heard of tiptoe through the tulips?

• 19:44Mae Martin?

  He sings like that. Those were the days where you could be a big star and you sing like that and you're weird.

• 19:50Fortune Feimster?

  Tiptoe through the tulips. I don't know this song, two against one.

• 19:54Tig Notaro?

  Wow, two against one.

• 19:56Mae Martin?

  Thomas, what's his name?

• 19:57Fortune Feimster?

  Tiptoe.

• 19:58Mae Martin?

  Tiptoe through the tulips.

• 19:59Speaker 04

  I'm seeing that it was written, oh, it was made popular by guitarist Nick Lucas.

• 20:05Mae Martin?

  No.

• 20:06Speaker 04

  But then there's a guy named Tiny Tim.

• 20:08Mae Martin?

  That's the one, obviously. That's the one I mean. The one that sings.

• 20:11Fortune Feimster?

  Tiptoe through.

• 20:13Mae Martin?

  And he goes, I'm Tiny Tim and I'm gonna be a big star.

• 20:16Fortune Feimster?

  I don't have any clue what y'all are talking about.

• 20:19Tig Notaro?

  That's clear.

• 20:20Fortune Feimster?

  But I was telling you I went to the red light district.

• 20:24Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah. How was it?

• 20:25Fortune Feimster?

  Um, I saw a lot of boobies.

• 20:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, in the windows.

• 20:28Fortune Feimster?

  Just window shopping. Not, I mean, not shopping. I was not shopping for anything.

• 20:35Tig Notaro?

  Just window shopping.

• 20:38Fortune Feimster?

  Let me be clear, not shopping for a thing, but there's just boobies everywhere.

• 20:44Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 20:45Fortune Feimster?

  And I did see, listen, um, this is no judgment, more of like, hey, good for y'all. Um, a couple was going in to negotiate with one of the gals. And I was like, look at them on vacation, being like, let's, you know.

• 21:00Tig Notaro?

  A couple, like a male, female couple?

• 21:02Fortune Feimster?

  Male, female couple, like maybe it was on their bucket list and they were like, let's go do this together.

• 21:07Mae Martin?

  I never think about date night. You did? Did you actually say that?

• 21:14Tig Notaro?

  That's hilarious.

• 21:15Mae Martin?

  Date night.

• 21:17Tig Notaro?

  And did they respond?

• 21:19Fortune Feimster?

  No, I was far away.

• 21:23Tig Notaro?

  That is so funny.

• 21:25Fortune Feimster?

  But yeah, it's, it's just, you know, but it's interesting over there because nobody thinks twice about it. It's just such a, it's been such a part of that city and the culture there. It's no, it doesn't faze anyone. And the girls are fine, they're great, they're living their best life.

• 21:40Mae Martin?

  Yeah, well, I mean, and it's legal, so they get to have unions and they, it's all super safe. I'm very pro, very pro sex work.

• 21:50Fortune Feimster?

  It's a cool city.

• 21:52Mae Martin?

  I just Googled, why do they call it Stockholm syndrome? When you said Stockholm, I thought about that.

• 21:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 21:58Mae Martin?

  You want to know the answer? It's crazy. Do you know?

• 22:00Tig Notaro?

  No, thank you. Oh, okay, let's hear it.

• 22:03Mae Martin?

  Okay. Stockholm syndrome is named after a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, where hostages developed an unexpected positive emotional bond with their captors during a six day standoff. They defended the criminals, feared the police, refused to testify. And yeah, that was coined, that term.

• 22:23Tig Notaro?

  May fact.

• 22:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 22:25Tig Notaro?

  May fact.

• 22:30Tig Notaro?

  Thank you for sharing that, May.

• 22:31Mae Martin?

  I could see that happening to me if I was a hostage in a bank robbery. I'd be like, yeah, but you know, life is tough. I get it, like.

• 22:40Tig Notaro?

  This is my best friend.

• 22:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah. What are you doing after this?

• 22:44Tig Notaro?

  I love this person.

• 22:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 22:47Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 22:48Fortune Feimster?

  And then I ate a stoop waffle.

• 22:51Mae Martin?

  Now, what's a stoop?

• 22:52Fortune Feimster?

  Is that how you say it?

• 22:53Mae Martin?

  Stoop, stoop waffle.

• 22:54Fortune Feimster?

  Stoop waffle? Dunno.

• 22:56Tig Notaro?

  I don't either.

• 22:57Fortune Feimster?

  Dutch is very hard to decipher.

• 23:01Mae Martin?

  What is it?

• 23:01Fortune Feimster?

  It's a waffle with like caramel in the middle.

• 23:04Mae Martin?

  Oh, with stoop in the middle.

• 23:07Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, sure. And this one had chocolate on top of it.

• 23:11Tig Notaro?

  Was it delicious?

• 23:12Fortune Feimster?

  Delish.

• 23:13Mae Martin?

  And then I had a lot of frites. Those, that's fries.

• 23:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, no, I know.

• 23:18Mae Martin?

  In case you guys didn't know what frites are, they're fries.

• 23:21Tig Notaro?

  Did you know, May?

• 23:22Mae Martin?

  And they put mayonnaise on their fries. Yeah, how do you feel about that? I'm anti.

• 23:26Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want it, for whatever reason, I don't want it in the States, but over there, it makes sense.

• 23:33Mae Martin?

  That's funny.

• 23:35Fortune Feimster?

  But they, and when we went, uh, when I went to, um, Brussels, they have the curry ketchup. That's big in London, right?

• 23:44Mae Martin?

  Oh, it's big in Berlin, curry, yeah, chips and like fries with curry sauce and stuff.

• 23:50Fortune Feimster?

  But that's not a big thing in London?

• 23:53Mae Martin?

  Uh, maybe. I don't remember that.

• 23:55Tig Notaro?

  Never heard of it.

• 23:56Fortune Feimster?

  It's like a curry ketchup.

• 23:58Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's, that's good. Why do we stay in our lane so much? You know?

• 24:03Fortune Feimster?

  I'm just very European right now. I don't know what to tell you guys.

• 24:05Tig Notaro?

  No, I know. You seem like you've really.

• 24:08Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 24:09Tig Notaro?

  Came back off.

• 24:10Fortune Feimster?

  I'm about to take one tit out.

• 24:13Tig Notaro?

  Why just one?

• 24:15Fortune Feimster?

  Cause it's very European.

• 24:17Mae Martin?

  Everyone in Europe's got one tit.

• 24:18Fortune Feimster?

  Everyone in Europe has one tit hanging out at all times.

• 24:22Tig Notaro?

  At least they have a tit.

• 24:23Fortune Feimster?

  An app.

• 24:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Rub it in, mush.

• 24:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 24:27Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna take my one tit out of my Honey Love bra and drink an Aperol spritz.

• 24:33Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 24:34Fortune Feimster?

  And have some Frites and I mean, you'll think I'm European.

• 24:40Tig Notaro?

  Especially with that accent.

• 24:47Fortune Feimster?

  But I did a show in Amsterdam as well and we had some lovely handsome listeners come to the show. So it's very cool to, to, um, uh, meet some of our.

• 24:57Tig Notaro?

  European friends?

• 24:58Fortune Feimster?

  European friends, yeah.

• 25:00Mae Martin?

  That's so nice. Did they give you stuff, um, for me? Cause I'm getting a lot of stuff for you guys on tour.

• 25:07Tig Notaro?

  Did anyone happen to?

• 25:08Mae Martin?

  Does anyone have any gifts for me?

• 25:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 25:11Fortune Feimster?

  Um, no, how do I have, the last I gave to y'all was the soap. I haven't been given anything for the group in a minute.

• 25:19Mae Martin?

  You got, you guys got a lot of stuff coming to you.

• 25:21Fortune Feimster?

  Really?

• 25:22Mae Martin?

  I have so much stuff that I had to ship it back to my house.

• 25:25Tig Notaro?

  Oh, wow.

• 25:25Mae Martin?

  And I'm still, I got 12 more cities to go and.

• 25:28Fortune Feimster?

  Well, you can use your discretion if you think.

• 25:32Mae Martin?

  No, you're getting all of it.

• 25:33Fortune Feimster?

  You know what I mean?

• 25:34Mae Martin?

  There's, um, paintings of us. There's, there's knitted.

• 25:39Mae Martin?

  Dolls of all three of us. There's all kinds of cool shit. Yeah.

• 25:42Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 25:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it's really.

• 25:44Fortune Feimster?

  Doll.

• 25:46Mae Martin?

  It's, it's, it's so much stuff.

• 25:48Fortune Feimster?

  How do we look?

• 25:49Mae Martin?

  Oh, we all look great.

• 25:50Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 25:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:52Fortune Feimster?

  Me?

• 25:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah, even you.

• 25:53Tig Notaro?

  Even me?

• 25:54Mae Martin?

  Yes, even you.

• 25:56Fortune Feimster?

  With Tig's one eye?

• 25:58Tig Notaro?

  One eye, no tits.

• 26:00Fortune Feimster?

  One eye, no tits, Tig.

• 26:05Tig Notaro?

  Oh, how's my eye look?

• 26:07Fortune Feimster?

  So good.

• 26:08Tig Notaro?

  Does it look like it's closing or?

• 26:11Fortune Feimster?

  But you haven't had anything done to it.

• 26:13Tig Notaro?

  No, not until.

• 26:14Mae Martin?

  It looks pretty, pretty even today.

• 26:17Tig Notaro?

  Okay. Well, it, I think I have it done in October now.

• 26:22Mae Martin?

  Oh, it keeps getting pushed back.

• 26:24Tig Notaro?

  Well, no, it was one, it was set. And then because it's hard to get it scheduled, when I had to move it, it like really got moved down the line.

• 26:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Does it start to twitch if, like, if they're doing construction in your house, will the noise like?

• 26:42Tig Notaro?

  No, there's no twitching that happens. It just feels like a brick is placed on that eyelid.

• 26:50Mae Martin?

  And you don't like that?

• 26:53Tig Notaro?

  I'm not crazy about it because it interferes with my eyesight and, and it just, it just, it feels so weird.

• 27:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Wait, girl, tell us about your, your patio.

• 27:08Fortune Feimster?

  Girl.

• 27:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, girl, I was, you know, we had a, we had to get our roof fixed, only to find out we need a new back patio and upper deck because the wood was rotting.

• 27:22Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 27:23Tig Notaro?

  Uh, we've lived in our house for 10 years and I guess it's that the people remodeled right around then. And then I guess 10 years is kind of a sweet spot of when things start going to hell.

• 27:36Mae Martin?

  Just every, I'm picturing just everything at once.

• 27:38Tig Notaro?

  I mean.

• 27:41Tig Notaro?

  I'm not kidding you. I am not kidding you. And before we got on this episode, I was saying that.

• 27:49Tig Notaro?

  Do you hear that?

• 27:50Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I heard something there.

• 27:51Tig Notaro?

  That's barely anything.

• 27:53Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 27:53Tig Notaro?

  It was so explosively loud. I was, and it was truly three minutes before we got on. I was like, there is no possible way we're going to be able to record. And then, you know, the Lord was on our side.

• 28:06Fortune Feimster?

  The Lord bless you and keep you.

• 28:13Tig Notaro?

  Yes, that Lord blessed us and we were able to contend. Whoa, whoa.

• 28:19Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, here we go.

• 28:21Tig Notaro?

  Here we go. That is nothing compared to what was going on before we got on here.

• 28:28Fortune Feimster?

  It sounds kind of like somebody like tapping on your.

• 28:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I don't, yeah, they might just.

• 28:33Fortune Feimster?

  Bumping uglies.

• 28:35Tig Notaro?

  Little bit of tapping with the hammer, but something else. There was like a drill saw situation that felt like it was about to knock the whole house down.

• 28:43Fortune Feimster?

  Well, they probably, maybe that was when they were removing the wood from the house.

• 28:48Tig Notaro?

  Pretty little lady.

• 28:49Fortune Feimster?

  You just got your butch card back.

• 28:50Tig Notaro?

  My butch card's back, y'all.

• 28:53Fortune Feimster?

  I got my butch card back.

• 28:56Tig Notaro?

  She got her butch card back. You still working out?

• 29:00Fortune Feimster?

  No, I gotta get back into it.

• 29:02Tig Notaro?

  So are you doing gym workout? Are you treading? What are you doing?

• 29:05Fortune Feimster?

  I did a week of workouts a couple of weeks ago and then I've been, I was in Europe, I got,

• 29:13Fortune Feimster?

  I walked the equivalent of 50,000 steps.

• 29:16Tig Notaro?

  In one day?

• 29:17Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 29:18Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I was like.

• 29:19Fortune Feimster?

  In five days.

• 29:20Tig Notaro?

  Oh, wow.

• 29:22Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, is that good?

• 29:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 29:24Fortune Feimster?

  No, wait, it's not 50,000, 50 miles, 100,000 steps it was. I got 20,000 steps today.

• 29:35Tig Notaro?

  Whoa, I remember when Stephanie and I went to Amsterdam, we walked so much. I think it's the most I've ever walked in my life.

• 29:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. So it was 50 miles, 100,000 steps.

• 29:48Tig Notaro?

  Good Lord, fortune.

• 29:51Fortune Feimster?

  I'm the pillar of health.

• 29:53Tig Notaro?

  We know it, girl.

• 29:55Fortune Feimster?

  Although I just got my blood drawn because I'm trying to actually look into my health now. And the doctor's like, just got 80% of your results. Can we talk? And I'm like, oh, no.

• 30:07Tig Notaro?

  Did you talk?

• 30:08Fortune Feimster?

  Not yet. I kind of don't want to hear it. Didn't sound like great.

• 30:12Mae Martin?

  Well, you never know. Maybe it's like, can we talk? And then it's just a call. Yeah, good job.

• 30:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 30:18Fortune Feimster?

  Your outside does not match your inside.

• 30:21Tig Notaro?

  That's what I like to do to, you know, waiters. I ask.

• 30:26Fortune Feimster?

  Can we, you say, can we talk?

• 30:28Tig Notaro?

  I say, can I talk to the manager? And then they're like, is there something I can help you with? And I say, everything is divine once again.

• 30:37Fortune Feimster?

  That's so good. That's so good. I love that.

• 30:43Tig Notaro?

  And they're looking at me like preparing for something terrible, but they're like, so everything's good? And I'm like, everything is amazing and we will be back again next week.

• 30:53Fortune Feimster?

  That's so good. I love that. I'll never forget when I went with Parvind Ama for lunch when Ama was five and out of nowhere, the waiter was like, and is everything to your satisfaction? And she goes, I don't like it. And we were all like, oh, my God. And she goes, I love it. And I was like, whoa, what a badass.

• 31:13Tig Notaro?

  Still got it.

• 31:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 31:20Fortune Feimster?

  Well, should we get to our question?

• 31:21Tig Notaro?

  I think we should.

• 31:22Fortune Feimster?

  Well, today's question asker is an actor and comedian who has starred in shows like Mad TV, Eastbound and Down, and my best friend and my coworker on the show, The Mindy Project. Most recently, his work in the hit show The Studio won a Critics' Choice Award and an Actor Award. And he was actually nominated for an Emmy. Ike Barinholtz is asking today's question.

• 31:53Speaker 05

  Hi handsome pod, it's Ike. Um. Fortune. You're my dear old friend. Tig, my neighbor. Uh, May, I don't know you as well. Um, but you're a new friend. Okay.

• 32:09Fortune Feimster?

  I love that.

• 32:10Speaker 05

  Each of you are opening a restaurant.

• 32:14Speaker 05

  What is the name of the restaurant and, and what is the fare? And, and give me like a, a, a, a quick menu. Like appetizer.

• 32:28Speaker 05

  Slash salad, main dessert, cocktail.

• 32:31Fortune Feimster?

  Mmm.

• 32:32Speaker 05

  Uh, I'll take my answer off there, please. Thank you.

• 32:37Tig Notaro?

  I truly trip over Ike every other day.

• 32:40Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, really? In the neighborhood?

• 32:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 32:43Fortune Feimster?

  Well, you guys own walks and stuff, right?

• 32:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, so do I. And, uh, boy, do we bump into each other.

• 32:49Fortune Feimster?

  That's funny. The, our last season of the mini project together, he was working on a movie and he fractured his neck. Like literally came with an inch of being paralyzed.

• 33:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God.

• 33:02Fortune Feimster?

  Crazy.

• 33:03Tig Notaro?

  At work?

• 33:04Fortune Feimster?

  At work, filming.

• 33:05Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God.

• 33:06Fortune Feimster?

  Not at our work, some, another project. And he just like willed himself into like being okay. He was in a neck brace our, almost our entire last season. But he, he had to sit upright a certain degree every day. And he had to walk a certain amount every day. And he just like was the most dedicated I've ever seen of anybody. And somehow just like.

• 33:30Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 33:30Fortune Feimster?

  Fixed himself through this. And you know, obviously physical therapy and stuff, but like. That was such a close call, but. Um, and also he won Celebrity Jeopardy. He is wildly knowledgeable about.

• 33:45Fortune Feimster?

  An insane amount of stuff.

• 33:47Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 33:48Tig Notaro?

  More than me?

• 33:49Fortune Feimster?

  Like a history guy, he knows like history dates. I mean, just like, his brain is like, wild.

• 33:57Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 33:58Fortune Feimster?

  He's very, very smart, but, and super funny. I love working with him.

• 34:02Mae Martin?

  I love when, when the question asker goes through us each individually. I get, I get like, excited for my turn.

• 34:09Tig Notaro?

  Even when he says, I don't really know you?

• 34:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I don't think I've ever.

• 34:12Fortune Feimster?

  He's a new friend.

• 34:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah, see, that was perfect. And I'm gonna hold him to that if I ever see him.

• 34:17Tig Notaro?

  I, well, I understand.

• 34:18Fortune Feimster?

  That's how I feel. If he saw you, he'd be excited.

• 34:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:22Fortune Feimster?

  He's the nicest.

• 34:23Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:24Fortune Feimster?

  Um, I would love, love to own a restaurant, but like be one of those people that is a part of the ownership, but does not have to do anything.

• 34:33Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 34:34Fortune Feimster?

  Just go enjoy food.

• 34:35Mae Martin?

  You don't want to make any of the creative decisions?

• 34:37Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, I would love to weigh in, like, uh, we could do better with this entree. I would love to weigh in on the food for sure, because I feel like I have a nice palate.

• 34:46Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:47Fortune Feimster?

  But I don't want to run it.

• 34:48Mae Martin?

  I've always said that about you.

• 34:49Fortune Feimster?

  It's what?

• 34:50Tig Notaro?

  One of the most good-looking palates in Hollywood.

• 34:54Fortune Feimster?

  La la la la la la.

• 34:57Tig Notaro?

  That wasn't necessary.

• 35:01Tig Notaro?

  And that was even more of.

• 35:03Fortune Feimster?

  I was clearing my palate.

• 35:04Tig Notaro?

  Unnecessary.

• 35:06Fortune Feimster?

  Which I, by the way, I went to that restaurant I told you about in Amsterdam again, De Causse. That's, um, I know you're vegan, but it's, um, mainly.

• 35:15Tig Notaro?

  How'd you know I was vegan?

• 35:16Fortune Feimster?

  Mainly vegetarian, and it's, they grow all their own food, and it's delish.

• 35:21Mae Martin?

  I've seen that place advertised. It's in like a greenhouse type.

• 35:23Fortune Feimster?

  It's in a greenhouse. It's so good.

• 35:25Mae Martin?

  Wait, so what would your concept be for your restaurant? Would it be in a greenhouse like that?

• 35:30Tig Notaro?

  Would it just be called The Palate Cleaner?

• 35:33Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 35:37Fortune Feimster?

  This is a tongue.

• 35:41Mae Martin?

  Cause your taste ranges, like you love Hooters. Would you have a Hooters type element?

• 35:47Fortune Feimster?

  No, I think I would want a.

• 35:50Tig Notaro?

  Oh, a Hooters type element with people that have had top surgery and double mastectomies. Let's start it, May.

• 35:58Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 35:59Fortune Feimster?

  No boo.

• 35:59Mae Martin?

  Oh my god, what's it called? Something to do with.

• 36:03Tig Notaro?

  Dumpster tits.

• 36:04Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, are y'all opening a restaurant together? Did y'all just go into business?

• 36:07Tig Notaro?

  Two against one. Wow.

• 36:09Mae Martin?

  Oh my god, all the waiters are topless.

• 36:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 36:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 36:13Tig Notaro?

  Oh my god, we're doing it.

• 36:14Fortune Feimster?

  Continue, let's hear it. Let's hear more.

• 36:17Tig Notaro?

  No, let's, let's get back to yours.

• 36:18Fortune Feimster?

  No, no, no, no.

• 36:19Tig Notaro?

  No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

• 36:23Fortune Feimster?

  The creativity, the creativity is happening. Let's not stop the train.

• 36:27Mae Martin?

  But I don't want to share the rest of the restaurant with Tig.

• 36:30Tig Notaro?

  Why?

• 36:31Mae Martin?

  Well, because I think I'm going to want different things on my menu and I don't know.

• 36:35Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe I want meat.

• 36:36Mae Martin?

  Well, I think we would be aligned maybe on some of the ambiance stuff.

• 36:41Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, stay out of this.

• 36:43Fortune Feimster?

  Y'all are already fighting.

• 36:47Fortune Feimster?

  You want different ambiance or you want meat and cheese?

• 36:49Tig Notaro?

  I just want no tits. That's all I want.

• 36:51Mae Martin?

  That's all you care about.

• 36:52Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 36:53Fortune Feimster?

  So both of y'all are opening up restaurants where everyone's topless.

• 36:57Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 36:58Fortune Feimster?

  But the menu's different.

• 36:59Tig Notaro?

  Okay, and it's called Utterly Delicious.

• 37:02Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 37:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Okay, that's Tig's restaurant?

• 37:05Tig Notaro?

  No, that's not. That's not the restaurant I would have.

• 37:08Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, okay.

• 37:09Tig Notaro?

  That's a side project that I would start with May where everyone has had top surgery or double mastectomies. With no reconstructive surgery.

• 37:18Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, this is a cafe then. Utterly Delicious is a cafe with, um, with nut milks.

• 37:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I think you're right, actually.

• 37:27Tig Notaro?

  With breast milk.

• 37:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we serve breast milk. Yeah.

• 37:31Tig Notaro?

  Oh my god.

• 37:32Mae Martin?

  That's what you are owning together.

• 37:35Fortune Feimster?

  That's what you are owning together is utterly delicious. It's a cafe.

• 37:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:39Fortune Feimster?

  But then you're gonna have separate restaurants.

• 37:42Tig Notaro?

  And everything is made with breast milk.

• 37:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. The irony is, no one has tits.

• 37:49Tig Notaro?

  No tits allowed. You can eat there with your tits.

• 37:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:53Fortune Feimster?

  What does that mean?

• 37:55Mae Martin?

  You can't work there if you have tits.

• 37:56Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you can have tits and go there. I see.

• 37:59Tig Notaro?

  Or you can eat with your tits.

• 38:03Fortune Feimster?

  Scoop it stuff up with them?

• 38:05Tig Notaro?

  Slap it in there.

• 38:06Fortune Feimster?

  Slap it in there, okay. And, and that one, we don't need to go through the menu other than the breast milk. That one's covered.

• 38:12Tig Notaro?

  Utter than the breast milk.

• 38:15Fortune Feimster?

  Good, good one.

• 38:16Tig Notaro?

  Thank you.

• 38:16Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, I'm gonna assume Tig, you're opening up a vegan restaurant.

• 38:21Tig Notaro?

  What makes you think that?

• 38:22Mae Martin?

  Yeah, what if it was a barbecue?

• 38:24Tig Notaro?

  It could be vegan barbecue.

• 38:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 38:27Fortune Feimster?

  Jack, would that be jackfruit?

• 38:29Tig Notaro?

  Uh, yeah, yeah. No, uh, or mushrooms, um, that, those barbecue, a lot of things barbecue nicely. You can barbecue watermelon, but, um, anyway.

• 38:40Mae Martin?

  I wanna know about the ambiance, you know, and the, what's your vibe?

• 38:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 38:44Tig Notaro?

  Of no tits allowed or, or mine?

• 38:47Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, are your restaurants both tits out, no tits? What's happening?

• 38:52Tig Notaro?

  Tits out the door.

• 38:53Mae Martin?

  No, we just have utterly delicious.

• 38:55Fortune Feimster?

  Utterly delicious is the tit one.

• 38:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and then Tig has her own restaurant.

• 38:59Tig Notaro?

  Okay, here's the thing, is my father, a Pasquale Notaro, he, um, always worked at pizza restaurants, like, kind of, i- in Mississippi, it was a chain called Mr. Gaddys.

• 39:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 39:14Tig Notaro?

  And, uh, yeah, Mr. Gaddys.

• 39:16Fortune Feimster?

  Gaddys.

• 39:17Tig Notaro?

  Gaddys is what it ended up becoming, is Gaddys. And he, he managed them and, and anyway, his, his, um, dream was to have his own pizzeria.

• 39:29Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 39:30Tig Notaro?

  And so I thought it'd be fun, one day, to open a vegan restaurant called a Pasquale's, a pizzeria. Yeah.

• 39:38Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's so nice.

• 39:40Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. Vegan pizza.

• 39:42Fortune Feimster?

  Just vegan pizza, not regular pizza.

• 39:44Tig Notaro?

  Just vegan pizza and I, you know, Pasquale would approve. He, he would be so proud. And he'd be into it no matter what.

• 39:54Fortune Feimster?

  I could see that.

• 39:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I like that. And is it just simple, like checkered tablecloth?

• 39:59Tig Notaro?

  Very traditional. Pasquale's Pizzeria. And, um, you know, uh, maybe some old, uh, family photos, black and white family photos. From the old Natale, uh, family back in Italy.

• 40:17Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, wow. That's aggressive.

• 40:19Mae Martin?

  And would you, if any, if a celebrity ate there?

• 40:22Tig Notaro?

  Tits or no tits allowed. What?

• 40:25Mae Martin?

  If a celebrity ate there, would you put their picture on the wall? No celebrities allowed is good.

• 40:30Fortune Feimster?

  They're allowed, but they don't need to be.

• 40:32Tig Notaro?

  No, they're not. No, they are not.

• 40:34Mae Martin?

  I love that idea.

• 40:35Tig Notaro?

  Except.

• 40:36Fortune Feimster?

  All right. You try to tell Jennifer Aniston she can't come.

• 40:39Tig Notaro?

  Except for Ike.

• 40:41Fortune Feimster?

  Ike can be there. She inspired this. Yeah.

• 40:44Mae Martin?

  Imagine having a restaurant in LA and you go, no celebrities allowed.

• 40:47Tig Notaro?

  No celebrities, no tits.

• 40:49Mae Martin?

  I bet you'd get tons of people coming.

• 40:52Fortune Feimster?

  Are you serving alcohol at this restaurant?

• 40:54Tig Notaro?

  Uh, yeah, and a lot of non-alcoholic, um, non-alcoholic beverages as well. Like, I like a good, I used to not, um, enjoy a non-alcoholic beer. But, um, Stephanie ordered one once and I was like, this is tasty. You know, a little afternoon brewsky sip. And, yeah. And so I, I started having little sips off of her, uh, non-alcoholic afternoon brewsky.

• 41:24Mae Martin?

  We know you love to have a little sip of her alcoholic drink.

• 41:28Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes. Yeah. I like to sit and have a little sip. But now, my point is, I was like, this is so good. There's so many good ones out there. Yeah. That, you know, if you're a non-drinker, you want to have an afternoon, uh, sipsy doodle. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of good ones. Stella makes a good one. Heineken does.

• 41:49Fortune Feimster?

  Okay. And is there any dessert?

• 41:52Tig Notaro?

  No dessert, except, um, breast milk, ice cream.

• 41:58Mae Martin?

  I forgot the breast milk.

• 42:00Tig Notaro?

  Breast milk.

• 42:01Mae Martin?

  I forgot.

• 42:02Tig Notaro?

  Breast milk, a tiramisu.

• 42:05Fortune Feimster?

  Utterly Delicious is next door.

• 42:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, you send people next door for their.

• 42:10Tig Notaro?

  And then you go into Utterly Delicious, they're like, sorry, no, they're like, oh, sorry. They're like, no tits allowed. And then you go next door and then it's, uh, at Pescali's still no tits allowed.

• 42:20Fortune Feimster?

  Uh huh.

• 42:21Mae Martin?

  I like this.

• 42:22Tig Notaro?

  You can have tits at Pescali's and the dessert would have to be a terremisso. That's my favorite.

• 42:29Fortune Feimster?

  Do they make good vegan terremisso?

• 42:31Tig Notaro?

  Of course, Pescali's Pizzeria.

• 42:33Mae Martin?

  Okay, okay.

• 42:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. What do you think? We're gonna like crap out on the dessert?

• 42:39Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know. It's just full of cream.

• 42:40Tig Notaro?

  I don't want to fight with you about this.

• 42:42Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want to fight with you either. I love terremisso.

• 42:44Tig Notaro?

  I love you too.

• 42:48Fortune Feimster?

  And, and offigato, since you have Utterly Delicious next door.

• 42:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 42:53Fortune Feimster?

  You need, um, a vegan ice cream and an espresso shot.

• 42:57Tig Notaro?

  Oh God, I love an espresso shot with my dessert.

• 43:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah, me too.

• 43:02Tig Notaro?

  Get out of my face if you don't have, well, I have decaf espresso. I know that ruins everything, but I like the taste of espresso.

• 43:10Fortune Feimster?

  Of course.

• 43:10Tig Notaro?

  So I have my decaf espresso with my, um, breast milk terremisso.

• 43:18Fortune Feimster?

  I love this. Well, this, I actually could see you owning a restaurant like this one day.

• 43:23Mae Martin?

  Yeah, me too, actually.

• 43:24Fortune Feimster?

  In like Colorado.

• 43:25Tig Notaro?

  Are there any investors who want to open at Pescali's Pizzeria? Oh, man, we have a taker. So we're gonna open Pescali's and Utterly Delicious.

• 43:37Mae Martin?

  I'm just gonna be an investor in Pescali's.

• 43:40Tig Notaro?

  Okay. But you and I are gonna work at Utterly Delicious.

• 43:44Mae Martin?

  Monday to Friday, nine to five.

• 43:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. Put our aprons on and get to it. Topless.

• 43:49Mae Martin?

  No top, yeah.

• 43:50Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Well, those bottom aprons.

• 43:53Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 43:54Tig Notaro?

  It's not like a top apron.

• 43:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah, perfect.

• 43:56Tig Notaro?

  And sadly, we have a lot of grease, hot grease, uh, scars on our chest.

• 44:01Mae Martin?

  A lot of burns.

• 44:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 44:02Fortune Feimster?

  At Utterly Delicious?

• 44:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:05Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, because you're making.

• 44:06Tig Notaro?

  We don't wear shirts there and our aprons don't cover our tops.

• 44:12Mae Martin?

  I'm touring with my friend Matt, who's Italian, and I just found out his grandfather was called Enrico De Rango.

• 44:18Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I know him.

• 44:21Mae Martin?

  Does Pesquale know Enrique?

• 44:22Tig Notaro?

  Pesquale, I knew him.

• 44:24Fortune Feimster?

  Y'all are related.

• 44:26Tig Notaro?

  Also, I've told you, my father used to carry a pistol and a knife in his cowboy boots. Didn't I tell you that?

• 44:34Mae Martin?

  You must have, but that's blowing my mind again.

• 44:37Tig Notaro?

  Okay, that has to be part of the restaurant is the, maybe not pistols.

• 44:42Fortune Feimster?

  The waitstaff has knives in their boots.

• 44:43Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah, knives. So you can pull it out. You cut the pizza. You cut the pizza with the knife.

• 44:49Fortune Feimster?

  The circle thing.

• 44:50Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes. And no pistol, but you got the knife in your boot.

• 44:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I like that. No, no, in the pistol is hot sauce. It's like a plastic pistol, so you can shoot the hot.

• 45:00Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes.

• 45:02Fortune Feimster?

  Interesting. Or hot honey.

• 45:04Tig Notaro?

  Yes, hot honey for the crust.

• 45:06Fortune Feimster?

  I love hot honey on a pizza. Never had it.

• 45:09Tig Notaro?

  Honey?

• 45:10Fortune Feimster?

  It's so good. Hot honey on a pizza, May? Will change your life.

• 45:15Tig Notaro?

  Well, you know, in Colorado, maybe I've told you this, but they'll eat their pizza and then they leave the crust. And then they have honey on the table and then they pour the honey on the crust and that's their dessert. And we're gonna do that at Pesquale's.

• 45:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we are.

• 45:33Tig Notaro?

  Well, that's not vegan though. It's not vegan. So what you do.

• 45:36Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, honey is not vegan?

• 45:37Tig Notaro?

  No, because it's an animal product. But some vegans, some vegans do eat it. But what I replace honey with is a maple syrup.

• 45:47Fortune Feimster?

  Mmm, okay, okay.

• 45:50Tig Notaro?

  All right. Sorry to yell in Italian. Yeah, sorry. It's just part of my family. You know, we're all like that.

• 45:57Fortune Feimster?

  It just comes over you, yeah.

• 45:58Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 46:00Fortune Feimster?

  Now, May, I feel like you already know the vibe of the restaurant you want.

• 46:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I've been thinking about it and I, all I know is I don't want to, the table's too close together. I don't want, I hate when you go to a fancy restaurant and you're elbow to elbow with the next table. So I want like.

• 46:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I don't like that either.

• 46:17Tig Notaro?

  You don't like that?

• 46:18Fortune Feimster?

  I don't like sitting on top of each other.

• 46:21Tig Notaro?

  You don't like that?

• 46:22Mae Martin?

  No, so I want distance between us, between all the tables. And I want like comfort food, like mashed potatoes and schnitzel and like lasagna and stuff. And then I want. Some tables outside where you can smoke a cigarette. I think that's a really lovely thing that I kind of missed from the 90s, like that you could sit, you finish your meal.

• 46:47Tig Notaro?

  That wasn't the only decade where you could smoke.

• 46:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I know. Yeah, you're right. Just like a little ashtray on a table. And so after your meal, you have a, you go outside, you have your espresso and a, um,

• 46:59Fortune Feimster?

  Espresso and a smoke?

• 47:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And I think maybe a live band, like a, like playing kind of instrumental Beatles covers and things.

• 47:11Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 47:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah. But jazzy.

• 47:14Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 47:15Mae Martin?

  Actually, I'm sort of hating this.

• 47:16Fortune Feimster?

  So it's lasagna and schnitzel? And what was the other thing?

• 47:19Tig Notaro?

  I forgot. There's also an accordion player at my, at Piscopo.

• 47:25Mae Martin?

  Of course.

• 47:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 47:26Mae Martin?

  What was the, is there a thing about like accordion players? They had monkeys or something? Why does my brain go accordion player and a monkey? Like, uh,

• 47:35Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe it was in a cartoon or something.

• 47:37Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 47:38Mae Martin?

  I feel like people are gonna be listening.

• 47:39Tig Notaro?

  I would just blame it on being Mae Martin.

• 47:41Mae Martin?

  Right. Yeah. My brain goes monkey.

• 47:44Tig Notaro?

  There must be a monkey involved.

• 47:46Fortune Feimster?

  What's the name of this restaurant, May?

• 47:48Mae Martin?

  It's called, um,

• 47:49Tig Notaro?

  Tits In?

• 47:50Mae Martin?

  Tits In. No, it's called, it's called, hey, come on in. Like it's like,

• 47:57Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, come on in.

• 47:57Tig Notaro?

  Hey, come on in.

• 47:59Fortune Feimster?

  Uh huh. Like it?

• 48:00Mae Martin?

  Hey, dot, dot, dot. Come on in.

• 48:03Tig Notaro?

  Come on in.

• 48:03Mae Martin?

  Or something like that, something welcoming like that. Like it's called, um,

• 48:07Tig Notaro?

  May's Place?

• 48:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah. I don't feel very attached to my name, May, you know?

• 48:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 48:13Mae Martin?

  Like I had, when I made Feel Good, they said, can we call it May? And I was like, even though my character was called May, I was like, ah, like, yeah.

• 48:22Tig Notaro?

  What about Little Cowboys?

• 48:23Fortune Feimster?

  Hang your hat on that.

• 48:24Tig Notaro?

  Little Cowboys?

• 48:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it's fucking, of course, it's Little Cowboys. Yeah. But it doesn't have a Western theme.

• 48:29Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, it's not a Western thing, so.

• 48:31Tig Notaro?

  But there is a big wagon wheel out front that kids climb on. Well, why not, Fortune?

• 48:37Mae Martin?

  Oh, I want it to be fun for kids and magical, actually, now that I think of it.

• 48:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 48:42Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want kids at my restaurant.

• 48:44Mae Martin?

  You're, you're no kids allowed? Fortune Feimster.

• 48:48Tig Notaro?

  And is there a blinking neon sign that says no kids allowed?

• 48:55Mae Martin?

  I think I want, where if you have kids.

• 49:00Fortune Feimster?

  They have their own room that they have to go to.

• 49:04Tig Notaro?

  Where there's just one wagon wheel. There's just one old wagon wheel.

• 49:09Fortune Feimster?

  They serve a hot dog or chicken tenders.

• 49:11Mae Martin?

  I'm having other ideas for my restaurant. Can I take up?

• 49:14Tig Notaro?

  Sorry, you've already told yours.

• 49:17Mae Martin?

  Okay, I want there to be an immersive theater type element where your waiter is, tells you a secret. Like goes like, you gotta get me out of here or something or like as.

• 49:25Fortune Feimster?

  Or like an escape room at the end of it?

• 49:27Mae Martin?

  Or during, like there's a clue hidden in the food and that clue in, tells you which waiter that you have to talk to. And you have to say a certain code phrase, like, excuse me, do you have any gray poop on or whatever? And then the waiter will go, four two nine four is the code to the bathroom.

• 49:42Tig Notaro?

  I would be so annoyed.

• 49:45Fortune Feimster?

  They tell you the specials.

• 49:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah. And you can only get them if you go through all these steps.

• 49:51Fortune Feimster?

  And if you don't want to play, you just don't get to hear the specials for the day.

• 49:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And you just eat what you eat and you have a nice time. But if you want to, you could be involved in this whole whisper subterfuge thing.

• 50:02Tig Notaro?

  Oh, so you have, you, it's your choice. You don't have to get in on this reindeer game.

• 50:07Mae Martin?

  No, you can opt out. Uh, but I also think there should be.

• 50:11Fortune Feimster?

  I opt out of the immersive part of this restaurant.

• 50:14Mae Martin?

  And they go, okay, respect.

• 50:16Fortune Feimster?

  Great.

• 50:17Mae Martin?

  But there's going to be one winner announced at the end of every table service.

• 50:22Tig Notaro?

  That sounds like hell.

• 50:23Fortune Feimster?

  Well, this is why y'all aren't owning the restaurant together.

• 50:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah, utterly delicious.

• 50:27Tig Notaro?

  Utterly delicious.

• 50:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And I like the idea of one winner per, per kind of time slot.

• 50:36Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 50:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah, competitive dining.

• 50:39Fortune Feimster?

  I could actually see you opening this restaurant as well.

• 50:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And maybe there's a thing where like, let's say you get a slice of cake and you bite it and you're like.

• 50:51Fortune Feimster?

  Oh no.

• 50:52Mae Martin?

  It tastes different. Yeah. Like it tastes like, like meatloaf or something. It's just designed to look like cake, but it's actually.

• 51:00Tig Notaro?

  Is it cake? You've heard of that, right?

• 51:04Mae Martin?

  Wait, I watched Fortune on Is It Cake?

• 51:06Tig Notaro?

  I know, that's what my sons know Fortune from.

• 51:09Fortune Feimster?

  First season, first episode.

• 51:10Mae Martin?

  No way.

• 51:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, when they met Fortune, they were like, was she on Is That Cake?

• 51:16Mae Martin?

  That's so funny.

• 51:18Tig Notaro?

  Probably.

• 51:19Fortune Feimster?

  You're like, she's pretty famous.

• 51:23Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, so the dessert is some sort of trick?

• 51:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, there's-

• 51:28Tig Notaro?

  Meatloaf chocolate cake?

• 51:30Mae Martin?

  And if you get that code that gets you into the special bathroom, then like there's a secret door that takes you into a place that's like-

• 51:39Fortune Feimster?

  Sex room.

• 51:39Mae Martin?

  It's got a, no, it just has a chocolate fountain.

• 51:41Tig Notaro?

  A sex swing is waiting for you.

• 51:43Fortune Feimster?

  Dungeons, a sex clubs attached.

• 51:46Mae Martin?

  Sex fondue.

• 51:47Fortune Feimster?

  Like the Kit Kat Club.

• 51:49Tig Notaro?

  Sex fondue.

• 51:52Mae Martin?

  What if you accidentally stumble in there and you're like, I didn't-

• 51:56Fortune Feimster?

  I just wanted-

• 51:58Tig Notaro?

  I was looking for the bathroom.

• 52:02Fortune Feimster?

  All right, gosh, this is quite an elaborate restaurant.

• 52:06Mae Martin?

  Have you been inspired, Fortune? What?

• 52:09Fortune Feimster?

  Mine's boring. I would, I would maybe do like-

• 52:12Tig Notaro?

  Should we skip it?

• 52:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 52:17Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I, I could use my name, but like make it be called like Good Fortune or something like that. Good Fortune.

• 52:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 52:25Fortune Feimster?

  But maybe I would do like a farm to table type of restaurant. Um, when I was in Canada, I went to Pickton, you know, uh, outside of Toronto, a couple hours. And all their restaurants there were like locally sourced, uh, food. And it was like, every place I went to was like the best, freshest meal I'd ever had.

• 52:46Tig Notaro?

  Nice.

• 52:46Fortune Feimster?

  So something like that where it's like, like a really great fish, a really great cut of meat. A nice chicken, roast chicken, that kind of stuff.

• 52:56Mae Martin?

  Where they tell you like the name of the chicken you're eating?

• 52:59Fortune Feimster?

  The local farms. They tell you the local farms, everything's bought from.

• 53:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 53:03Tig Notaro?

  And do you want all of that information or do you just want your food?

• 53:07Fortune Feimster?

  People are into it. And we're gonna serve old fashions.

• 53:12Tig Notaro?

  Of course.

• 53:13Fortune Feimster?

  And.

• 53:14Tig Notaro?

  What about boxcars?

• 53:16Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know what that is.

• 53:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah, what's that?

• 53:18Tig Notaro?

  I don't know.

• 53:19Fortune Feimster?

  Well, we'll have a, we'll have a, um, what do you call it? The cocktail person?

• 53:24Tig Notaro?

  Bartender?

• 53:25Fortune Feimster?

  A mixologist.

• 53:27Mae Martin?

  No, yeah, mixologist. Yeah.

• 53:28Fortune Feimster?

  They're probably wearing something douchey like those leather aprons, you know?

• 53:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 53:34Tig Notaro?

  I don't know.

• 53:35Fortune Feimster?

  You know what I'm talking about?

• 53:36Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that, yeah, and like it's buttoned up to the top.

• 53:38Fortune Feimster?

  And there's like a, and there's like a library wall with the ladder.

• 53:42Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 53:43Fortune Feimster?

  But instead of books, it's alcohol.

• 53:45Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 53:48Mae Martin?

  And are you, are you going table to table?

• 53:51Fortune Feimster?

  It says boo books.

• 53:53Mae Martin?

  Boo.

• 53:53Fortune Feimster?

  Less books, more alcohol.

• 53:56Mae Martin?

  Boo books, more boo.

• 53:58Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I thought you said boob books. I was like, wow.

• 54:02Fortune Feimster?

  Boo books.

• 54:04Tig Notaro?

  Oh, like thumbs down. No, thank you.

• 54:07Fortune Feimster?

  Drink alcohol.

• 54:07Tig Notaro?

  No reading allowed and no kids.

• 54:11Fortune Feimster?

  And that's a neon sign, but it's meant to be funny.

• 54:14Tig Notaro?

  And it's blinking, correct?

• 54:17Fortune Feimster?

  And there's candles, the vibes, kind of like the greenhouse vibe.

• 54:21Mae Martin?

  Mm hmm.

• 54:21Fortune Feimster?

  Lot of windows.

• 54:22Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 54:23Fortune Feimster?

  Um, lot of greenery, like plants and stuff everywhere.

• 54:26Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 54:27Fortune Feimster?

  Cause you know, farm to table.

• 54:28Mae Martin?

  Are you going table to tables saying, welcome to, welcome to good fortunes and?

• 54:33Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I'm kissing everyone's hand.

• 54:35Mae Martin?

  Oh, I like that touch. Imagine you're eating your meal and some person who owns the place comes up and.

• 54:42Tig Notaro?

  No, thank you.

• 54:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you would take, you would be out.

• 54:45Mae Martin?

  Everyone's hands.

• 54:48Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, that's just part of coming to my restaurant.

• 54:51Tig Notaro?

  If you get your hand kissed.

• 54:52Fortune Feimster?

  And it's your good fortune that this is happening.

• 54:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Oh, maybe you do fortune cookies.

• 54:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 54:58Mae Martin?

  At the end.

• 54:58Fortune Feimster?

  At the end, fortune cookies, as well as avocado.

• 55:02Tig Notaro?

  Avocado?

• 55:03Fortune Feimster?

  Avocado and tiramisu. So you have like a nice fresh salad or some kind of like, you know, yellow tell, fresh, something like that. And then those mains I told you about. Then the avocado cake. And yeah, a fortune, you get a fortune cookie with your check. It's free and they're dipped in chocolate or white chocolate.

• 55:26Tig Notaro?

  I'm sorry, back up. You're handing out free fortune cookies?

• 55:29Fortune Feimster?

  I am.

• 55:30Mae Martin?

  You're gonna be in the red.

• 55:32Fortune Feimster?

  They're gonna be dipped in white chocolate or milk chocolate or dark chocolate.

• 55:37Tig Notaro?

  Or breast milk chocolate.

• 55:40Fortune Feimster?

  And there will be some sort of, um, fortune in it, but it won't be the, like the dumb ones. It'll, they'll actually be good sage advice.

• 55:51Mae Martin?

  It won't be like, get another meal. It'll be, yeah.

• 55:56Fortune Feimster?

  When you eat, you're full. It won't be like that.

• 55:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 55:59Fortune Feimster?

  It'll be something, it'll be actual wisdom.

• 56:02Mae Martin?

  You're gonna be spending a lot of money on those. So if you want, you could bring them to Utterly Delicious and

• 56:07Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 56:08Mae Martin?

  Tig and I'll let you dip them in our, uh,

• 56:10Fortune Feimster?

  In your breast milk?

• 56:12Tig Notaro?

  This is a horrible concept. Warm breast milk.

• 56:15Mae Martin?

  I'm, this is, are we gonna stand by this?

• 56:18Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, all of these restaurants will fail. No, actually Tig's might have a chance of making it.

• 56:23Mae Martin?

  Oh, my?

• 56:24Tig Notaro?

  Utterly Delicious or Pescualis?

• 56:26Fortune Feimster?

  Pescualis. My restaurant feels expensive.

• 56:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it feels like your overheads are high.

• 56:31Fortune Feimster?

  And get no return. But everyone that gets their hand kissed will love it.

• 56:36Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 56:37Fortune Feimster?

  And there will be a lot of, it will be an Instagram moment of the boo books, more drinking, no kids. That'll be a hit.

• 56:45Mae Martin?

  I think mine will be a hit because like millennials who are into escape rooms and nerds.

• 56:53Tig Notaro?

  Guys, should we even hear what Ike has to say?

• 56:56Fortune Feimster?

  We should hear what Ike.

• 56:57Tig Notaro?

  I mean,

• 56:58Fortune Feimster?

  Ike's a foodie, so he'll, he'll come up with some, something good, I'm sure.

• 57:03Tig Notaro?

  Let's hear about his booby foodie.

• 57:07Speaker 05

  My answer to my own question is I would, I would open a restaurant called, I'd call it Chi's. Like C H I apostrophe S, like Chicago, Chi's in Chicago. It would be a, it would be a Chicago inspired restaurant. Um, yeah, we would have all Chicago dishes. Um, like the, the first bite would be like, uh, like a, like an amuse bouche, uh, Chicago style hot dog amuse bouche.

• 57:38Fortune Feimster?

  Ooh.

• 57:39Speaker 05

  Uh, the, the salad would be some kind of an Italian beef salad. Uh, the main course would be like a

• 57:49Speaker 05

  pizza of some kind, maybe like a meat kind of pizza. And the dessert would be like ch- chocolate covered beef or pork, chocolate pork sausage.

• 58:01Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 58:02Speaker 05

  Chocolate.

• 58:03Fortune Feimster?

  I'm out.

• 58:04Speaker 05

  Beef and pork sausage.

• 58:05Fortune Feimster?

  What?

• 58:06Speaker 05

  Uh, with like a big cup of whiskey served inside. Um, that would be my restaurant, Chi's.

• 58:14Fortune Feimster?

  What's a beef chuck?

• 58:16Speaker 05

  Chi's. We never turn the light off, even if you have a heart attack at the table.

• 58:21Fortune Feimster?

  Love that.

• 58:22Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 58:23Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, well, that was a fun episode. I appreciate.

• 58:26Mae Martin?

  Loved it.

• 58:27Fortune Feimster?

  Loved it.

• 58:27Mae Martin?

  Stirring up such a riveting food conversation.

• 58:31Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, don't forget you guys that we are also now on Hulu and you can get our episodes a day early.

• 58:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you can.

• 58:38Fortune Feimster?

  On Hulu as well as where we have always been. What a treat. Handsome. We're keeping it handsome everywhere.

• 58:46Mae Martin?

  We are.

• 58:48Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 58:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we are. We can't help ourselves.

• 58:50Fortune Feimster?

  We sure can. I'm on tour.

• 58:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah. What are you telling me, Fortune?

• 58:53Fortune Feimster?

  But first off, before that, catch us May 4th at the Wiltern.

• 58:57Mae Martin?

  Yes, please.

• 58:58Fortune Feimster?

  Handsome Pod in Los Angeles as part of the, the Netflix is a joke festival.

• 59:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, there's still some tickets left, but not many. So snatch them up.

• 59:05Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. And then starting May 8th, I'm in Toronto. Um, then Reading, Pennsylvania, then I'm doing my Europe run, the end of May in Berlin, Stockholm, Oslo, Copenhagen, London.

• 59:19Fortune Feimster?

  And Dublin, and then back in the States in Rochester, Minnesota, Cedar Rapids, Omaha, Portland, Maine, and Detroit. And I'm be adding a bunch of dates soon as well. What about you, May? You still out there in that boost?

• 59:32Mae Martin?

  I got one little chunk of shows left. I'm almost at the end of the tour, but you can catch me in Denver, Colorado. I'm doing two shows on May 8th, Kansas City on May 9th, St. Louis, May 10th, and Nashville on May 11th. I'm really excited to be back in Nashville, especially all of those places. But yeah, check out maymartin.net.

• 59:52Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 59:53Tig Notaro?

  And you can check out my tour dates at tignotaro.com. Come on and see me.

• 59:58Mae Martin?

  Well, in that case, all that remains is to say, Keep it handsome! Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Wolet. Email us at [email protected] and follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 1:00:21Tig Notaro?

  What a podcast!

• 1:00:28Speaker 00

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 1:00:30Speaker 06

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 1:00:32Speaker 07

  And Hannah Simone.

• 1:00:33Speaker 06

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dogged.

• 1:00:55Speaker 07

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 1:01:08Speaker 06

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 1:01:19Speaker 07

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.