Jonathan Van Ness asks about trading places

Jonathan Van Ness of Queer Eye shows off their incredible curls, and asks Handsome a mind-bending question about trading places with a person for a day. Will Handsome go back in time? Does this mean Oprah and JVN will host Handsome? And why do Tig, Mae and Fortune's souls all feel so connected in this moment?! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:05Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:35Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking the program before sitting down to enjoy a school play? I'm in shambles. Turns out there's no intermission during this three-hour Shakespeare adaptation, and I really need to go to the bathroom. Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings

• 1:19Mae Martin?

  with a premium, professional website.

• 1:21Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy, so easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 1:54Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 2:11Mae Martin?

  Good afternoon and welcome to an episode of the handsome pub. Thanks for joining us. As always, I'm Mae Martin, joined by

• 2:26Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune Feimster.

• 2:28Tig Notaro?

  And I am your dear, dear friend Tig Notaro, and we are all here.

• 2:33Fortune Feimster?

  We are the handsome headquarters individually.

• 2:36Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Do not mistake this for a pretty little episode because we are all three here.

• 2:43Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 2:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah. A handsome headquarters is a spiritual place really, rather than a physical place. You know, we've all stepped into the handsome portal right now when we heard the theme song.

• 2:55Tig Notaro?

  And there's no bears in the portal.

• 2:57Fortune Feimster?

  Portal.

• 2:58Tig Notaro?

  Portal.

• 2:59Fortune Feimster?

  We ain't got no bears in this portal.

• 3:02Tig Notaro?

  No, we don't.

• 3:05Fortune Feimster?

  Are our souls connected right now? Do we feel?

• 3:08Mae Martin?

  Do you feel it?

• 3:09Fortune Feimster?

  Do we feel the connection?

• 3:11Mae Martin?

  I do.

• 3:12Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 3:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 3:14Fortune Feimster?

  Pretty sexy.

• 3:15Mae Martin?

  I bet you in the future, they're gonna prove that that's a, that that's a thing, not us specifically. They're gonna do a big study.

• 3:23Tig Notaro?

  There are scientists working on this right now to see if the handsome souls are in fact connected.

• 3:32Mae Martin?

  Entwined.

• 3:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Mm hmm. Except when we get into our huge fights.

• 3:39Mae Martin?

  Oh, you would not want to see those.

• 3:41Fortune Feimster?

  Do not get me started.

• 3:44Mae Martin?

  We throw punches.

• 3:45Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yes.

• 3:46Fortune Feimster?

  It's a lot of like, don't you dare.

• 3:49Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah. Fortune, and it brings back terrible memories to see your finger wag like that.

• 3:54Fortune Feimster?

  Don't.

• 3:55Tig Notaro?

  Don't.

• 3:56Fortune Feimster?

  Dare.

• 3:57Tig Notaro?

  Dare.

• 3:58Fortune Feimster?

  But do that.

• 3:59Tig Notaro?

  But I still feel like even when we're like wrestling and biting each other, because we will, we'll like bite each other's cheeks and pull each other's hair.

• 4:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah, all bets are off.

• 4:10Tig Notaro?

  Kick each other in the knees. I still feel like our souls are connected.

• 4:15Fortune Feimster?

  For sure. Yeah, we're the most connected then, actually.

• 4:20Tig Notaro?

  We're most connected.

• 4:22Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 4:22Tig Notaro?

  When we're biting each other's cheeks.

• 4:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 4:25Mae Martin?

  When we're animalistic.

• 4:26Tig Notaro?

  Of the flesh.

• 4:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 4:28Tig Notaro?

  It has gotten nasty.

• 4:30Mae Martin?

  Get it out of our systems. We need that purge and then we're back on track.

• 4:34Fortune Feimster?

  Did you guys ever get in tumbles like that with, you had brother, a brother?

• 4:39Tig Notaro?

  You had brother.

• 4:40Fortune Feimster?

  You had brother, had to.

• 4:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, man, you have a, you have one brother, right?

• 4:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I have brother, yeah.

• 4:47Fortune Feimster?

  We have, we have brother.

• 4:49Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we all have brother.

• 4:50Fortune Feimster?

  Man, we would get into brawls.

• 4:52Tig Notaro?

  Oh, really?

• 4:53Fortune Feimster?

  They gave me some thick skin, cause boy, phew. That people have asked, what, I have a little, I don't think you can see it, there's a little fingernail, like, in, indention? Is that the word?

• 5:07Mae Martin?

  The nail still in there?

• 5:08Fortune Feimster?

  In my forehead right here. It's, when the sun hits it a certain way, you can see the mark, but it's my brother's fingernail that went to my forehead when we were kids.

• 5:18Tig Notaro?

  What was happening?

• 5:20Fortune Feimster?

  We were fighting.

• 5:21Tig Notaro?

  You're like, don't you ever, oh.

• 5:23Fortune Feimster?

  We would punch.

• 5:25Mae Martin?

  Really? And what would prompt it? Like, what would set you off?

• 5:27Fortune Feimster?

  Whatever fights kids get into.

• 5:30Tig Notaro?

  Did you ever, to protect yourself, put a bonnet on?

• 5:34Fortune Feimster?

  I, my mom put a bonnet on me. It was not by my choice.

• 5:38Tig Notaro?

  But did it keep your beatings at bay?

• 5:41Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 5:42Mae Martin?

  No, I would think that would incite more beatings.

• 5:44Fortune Feimster?

  Easter photo?

• 5:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:48Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 5:48Fortune Feimster?

  Of me, did you see the photo I put up at, at Easter? Of me in a bonnet?

• 5:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:54Tig Notaro?

  On Instagram?

• 5:55Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 5:56Tig Notaro?

  I don't think I did.

• 5:57Fortune Feimster?

  I even called you out, saying you were gonna be jealous.

• 6:00Mae Martin?

  Look at that. If you're, if you're on YouTube, you can see it, or go on Instagram, it's Fortune looking like a little angel, wearing a bonnet. I can't imagine someone starting to fight with that person, yeah.

• 6:13Tig Notaro?

  Beating that bonnet, silly.

• 6:16Fortune Feimster?

  I didn't get beat up around that age. It was more when I got, like, to be like, ten or something.

• 6:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah. Would you ever instigate? Would you start?

• 6:24Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 6:25Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 6:26Fortune Feimster?

  Come on. I would stick my middle finger up at my brother. Be like, Mom, Price, Price gave me the bird. She'd be like, Price, and I'd be like, ha, ha, ha, second, and he'd be like, whoop, bam!

• 6:40Tig Notaro?

  Fingernail coming to the forehead.

• 6:43Tig Notaro?

  Um, now, speaking of brothers, my brother texted me while we were on. And he said, you have made it. You made it, he said. And this looks like it's from The Simpsons. I It says, it says Vig Notaro at the top.

• 7:05Mae Martin?

  Oh, my god.

• 7:05Fortune Feimster?

  Wow, that's awesome.

• 7:07Tig Notaro?

  But what is it?

• 7:08Fortune Feimster?

  It looks like, it looks like, um, it's a, like a Vegas type of like ad.

• 7:14Mae Martin?

  It looks like a

• 7:15Fortune Feimster?

  Or billboard.

• 7:16Mae Martin?

  A sports stadium there.

• 7:18Fortune Feimster?

  Like you're one of the performers.

• 7:20Tig Notaro?

  But if they're using Oprah, see if you, if you're on YouTube, you can see, they've used Oprah's real name, but they turned mine into Vig Notaro. I guess I'm half funny, though.

• 7:32Mae Martin?

  They thought you were gonna sue or something.

• 7:33Tig Notaro?

  Look at you. I know. It's not even me.

• 7:38Tig Notaro?

  But it is.

• 7:39Mae Martin?

  To be featured on The Simpsons, that's massive. That, I would frame that.

• 7:43Fortune Feimster?

  I used to do a voice on The Simpsons, and that was the greatest day of my life.

• 7:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you did do a voice?

• 7:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 7:48Tig Notaro?

  What, who, what did you do?

• 7:49Fortune Feimster?

  I played, um, uh, the girlfriend of Marge's sister.

• 7:55Mae Martin?

  The girlfriend of Marge's sister.

• 7:57Fortune Feimster?

  And they described me as like a female Homer.

• 7:59Mae Martin?

  Oh, my god.

• 8:00Fortune Feimster?

  It was pretty, it was pretty cool.

• 8:02Mae Martin?

  Marge's sister is, that's the twins, right?

• 8:05Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, yeah, it was one of the twin, I can't remember the name, one of the twins.

• 8:09Tig Notaro?

  So they have like out gay, yeah, out gay character?

• 8:12Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe that's why I haven't been back, because we're like, we'll just have the lesbian in one episode.

• 8:20Mae Martin?

  That's, that's iconic, though.

• 8:22Fortune Feimster?

  I went on a, in, in the episode, they go to Costa Rica. Uh, and, uh, she brings her lesbian girlfriend, me, who is just like Homer.

• 8:34Mae Martin?

  Oh, my god. Do you say dope?

• 8:36Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, I think they had me, it's been a minute, but I think it was like real southern, like, like, uh, I think it was like even more southern than I usually am.

• 8:46Tig Notaro?

  Wow. You didn't have to drop your voice to know what's going on.

• 8:51Fortune Feimster?

  No, I think it was like, kind of like

• 8:53Mae Martin?

  Southern belle.

• 8:54Fortune Feimster?

  The southern sort of thing, yeah.

• 8:56Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:56Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 8:57Tig Notaro?

  But And did they draw the character to look like you? Or, because that's alarming.

• 9:04Fortune Feimster?

  Um, I, I think they put like a little bit of, like, you record first. And then they kind of, then they, they give you sort of an idea of what the character's gonna look like. And then they might do some stuff around your, the mouth, maybe. I can't remember exactly. And then you go back in and try to like, match that if they have like some tweaks on lines, you try to like, match it with the mouth that they've already drawn.

• 9:32Mae Martin?

  I think that The Simpsons probably influenced like, global sense of humor more than many other shows. Like, it was one of the first shows that did those hard cuts to the payoff of the joke. You know what I mean? Like, where it's like, well, that would never happen. And then hard cut to that thing happening. Yeah, like, yeah.

• 9:51Fortune Feimster?

  And they predicted like, a ton of stuff. They've been around so long that I think they like, would make these like, wild predictions. And then so many things have come true.

• 10:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 10:02Fortune Feimster?

  Like, Trump being, Trump being president, I think. I knew you were gonna ask. I don't have examples, but they're just always posting, like, predicted this, predicted that.

• 10:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 10:10Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm. They predicted Oprah's sportsbook club.

• 10:14Fortune Feimster?

  And you changed your name to Vig.

• 10:16Tig Notaro?

  Vig Notaro.

• 10:19Mae Martin?

  Vig.

• 10:19Tig Notaro?

  And so because it's animation, they must have made this a long time ago, right?

• 10:24Mae Martin?

  No, they still do animation.

• 10:27Tig Notaro?

  I know, but doesn't it take a long time to make animation? Also, look at the picture of me, or whoever this Vig Notaro is. Is that me?

• 10:35Fortune Feimster?

  The Joker.

• 10:37Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. I can't tell if I have a mustache or a Joker mouth. It's like a Howard Stern Joker.

• 10:44Mae Martin?

  Weird. You got it in the bottom of this.

• 10:46Tig Notaro?

  I was gonna say, I need to ask my brother, or if, Thomas, you wanna do some Simpson Googling?

• 10:51Mae Martin?

  Oh, here. Okay, Thomas just wrote, "After a baseball superstar decides to play for Springfield, Isotope Stadium is soon cluttered with garish ads for betting apps such as Bookie Monster, Carrot Top's prop bets, and perhaps most cleverly, Vig Notaro." Wait, so you and Carrot Top?

• 11:10Fortune Feimster?

  Sports bookie.

• 11:11Mae Martin?

  Oh, a vig is the cut you give a bookie. That's what that means, I guess?

• 11:15Tig Notaro?

  Oh, so is it not me? I don't understand what's happening.

• 11:19Fortune Feimster?

  It's a playoff of your name.

• 11:20Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh.

• 11:21Fortune Feimster?

  But it's, um, vig is, they're, Thomas is saying, uh, the cut you give a bookie. So they're, they're doing a playoff of your name and that.

• 11:30Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 11:31Mae Martin?

  I'm saying that you have like, a betting app.

• 11:33Tig Notaro?

  And then, Thomas, where did you get this information, other than Google? Like, what is this? I don't even understand.

• 11:38Speaker 04

  This is a recap of the episode from crack.com.

• 11:42Tig Notaro?

  Oh, okay. And did this episode just come out? Is that why?

• 11:45Speaker 04

  It looks like it just came out this season.

• 11:47Tig Notaro?

  Of course, my brother's still watching The Simpsons.

• 11:52Fortune Feimster?

  God, I used to draw Bart Simpson when I was like in sixth grade.

• 11:57Mae Martin?

  Oh, really? One of the things you could draw that you.

• 11:59Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 12:01Tig Notaro?

  Did you walk around in a shirt that said, don't have a cowman?

• 12:04Fortune Feimster?

  No, but there were plenty, a lot of people at my school did or the, you know, don't.

• 12:09Mae Martin?

  Eat my shorts.

• 12:10Tig Notaro?

  Eat my shorts.

• 12:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 12:12Fortune Feimster?

  What a sweet gig that has been for those actors.

• 12:15Mae Martin?

  I know, right? How are you guys doing otherwise? You're wearing a beautiful pink hoodie there, Fortune. What does it say?

• 12:22Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yes. I just grabbed a hoodie. It's my special from my, it's my own merch.

• 12:29Mae Martin?

  You do tend to rock your own merch.

• 12:31Fortune Feimster?

  It's my special crushing it. I just grabbed it from my closet and didn't realize how pronounced these words were.

• 12:39Mae Martin?

  Crushing it.

• 12:40Fortune Feimster?

  I just like pink. I'm a, did you guys know that pink's one of my favorite colors?

• 12:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I think I did know that and I respect it a lot.

• 12:47Tig Notaro?

  I like pink.

• 12:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it's sort of.

• 12:50Fortune Feimster?

  In my special, I wore, you know, a pink suit, so this merch was a nod to that.

• 12:57Mae Martin?

  Do you guys want to know a fact?

• 12:59Tig Notaro?

  Of course, that's why we're here.

• 13:01Mae Martin?

  Scientists have just discovered that the color purple does not exist. Our brains have just.

• 13:11Mae Martin?

  Started choking. Uh, no, the color itself, our brains have invented that color. Don't ask me any follow up questions, but how fucked up is that? Some people would, would say that's their favorite color and then it's.

• 13:26Tig Notaro?

  And we're all on the same page? I don't know, it's making it up.

• 13:30Fortune Feimster?

  Blue and something else, right?

• 13:32Tig Notaro?

  Red, blue and yellow.

• 13:34Mae Martin?

  Thomas, could you Google it?

• 13:35Tig Notaro?

  I'm glad Prince wasn't allowed to, around to hear this.

• 13:38Mae Martin?

  Okay, purple is a color that falls between blue and red on the color spectrum. Yeah, we know that. It's a mix of the two primary colors, red and blue.

• 13:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we know that.

• 13:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we know that. But purple is not a spectral color, meaning it's not a color that can be found in the rainbow or directly emitted by a light source. Instead, it's a color that the brain creates when it receives information from both red and blue wavelengths simultaneously. I am speechless. That's fucking wild.

• 14:08Tig Notaro?

  I'm speechless that you call it simultaneously.

• 14:11Mae Martin?

  Wait, what would you say?

• 14:13Tig Notaro?

  Simultaneously?

• 14:15Mae Martin?

  Simultaneously.

• 14:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. What do you say, Fortune?

• 14:18Fortune Feimster?

  Simultaneously?

• 14:20Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 14:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Little cowboy says simul.

• 14:24Mae Martin?

  I'd say, if it was a Y, I'd say simul.

• 14:27Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh. Okay, how do you call somebody named Simon? Simon?

• 14:32Mae Martin?

  Simon. Ah, you got me there. Yeah, you got, yeah, Simon. Wait, Thomas, you say simultaneously or?

• 14:39Tig Notaro?

  Well, and he has a brother named Simon. Simon.

• 14:42Speaker 04

  Simultaneously.

• 14:43Mae Martin?

  Wait, what? So this isn't even a Canadian thing?

• 14:47Tig Notaro?

  How have you never heard this?

• 14:49Mae Martin?

  How has no one corrected me before?

• 14:52Tig Notaro?

  I don't know.

• 14:53Mae Martin?

  Simultaneously.

• 14:55Tig Notaro?

  Here's another word that I feel like I heard Fortune say the same way I do. And whenever I say it this way, people lose their minds. How do you, how do you pronounce? Oh, and I don't know if I can spell it. M I S C H E V I O U S?

• 15:16Fortune Feimster?

  Mischievous?

• 15:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 15:18Mae Martin?

  I say mischievous.

• 15:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. For, or, um, Thomas, how do you say?

• 15:24Speaker 04

  Mischievous.

• 15:25Tig Notaro?

  I say mischievous.

• 15:26Mae Martin?

  Hey, that's a good drag name, mischievous. Miss mischievous.

• 15:30Tig Notaro?

  It sure is.

• 15:31Mae Martin?

  Or mischievous.

• 15:32Tig Notaro?

  Mischievous. Mischievous.

• 15:35Mae Martin?

  And introducing simultaneous. Sim- yeah.

• 15:39Tig Notaro?

  Only recently in my adult life have people been saying mischievous. Why are you, what, huh?

• 15:46Mae Martin?

  When you're a kid, you don't really say the word because you are the word. Like, you're not going around going, I'm so mischievous. But when you're an adult, you say, look at that.

• 15:54Tig Notaro?

  Mischievous.

• 15:55Mae Martin?

  Mis- I don't know.

• 15:57Tig Notaro?

  I stand. By mischievous.

• 15:59Mae Martin?

  I stand by simultaneous.

• 16:00Fortune Feimster?

  What did I say first? I forgot.

• 16:01Tig Notaro?

  You said mischievous.

• 16:03Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, there you go.

• 16:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 16:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 16:06Fortune Feimster?

  Is it southern? It's a southern thing.

• 16:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 16:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah, maybe.

• 16:10Fortune Feimster?

  Well.

• 16:11Tig Notaro?

  Oh, God, we're exhausted.

• 16:14Mae Martin?

  I'm always so scared we're gonna run out.

• 16:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I have.

• 16:21Mae Martin?

  I kind of have too.

• 16:23Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I'm done.

• 16:24Mae Martin?

  I'm done. This is it.

• 16:26Fortune Feimster?

  Well, it's been a good run.

• 16:27Mae Martin?

  It's been a good.

• 16:28Tig Notaro?

  It really has.

• 16:30Mae Martin?

  Uh, what kind of music you guys into?

• 16:34Tig Notaro?

  No, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who listened to Handsome.

• 16:39Mae Martin?

  No, it's so sad. It's so sad.

• 16:41Fortune Feimster?

  That would be sad.

• 16:43Mae Martin?

  Would you cry?

• 16:44Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 16:46Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God, how cold. You would cry?

• 16:50Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 16:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I would.

• 16:51Tig Notaro?

  No, you wouldn't.

• 16:52Fortune Feimster?

  Yes, I would.

• 16:54Mae Martin?

  I think I would think I was okay with it and then when the time came to say goodbye, I'd be like.

• 17:00Fortune Feimster?

  A day? Not like the whole day.

• 17:04Mae Martin?

  Sobbing in bed for a day. But Tig, aren't you, you're working your way through Friends, right? So that, that final episode of Friends.

• 17:12Fortune Feimster?

  You're working your way through actual people.

• 17:15Tig Notaro?

  No, no, no.

• 17:18Mae Martin?

  But that final episode, they are crying for real and it is a heartbreaker.

• 17:23Fortune Feimster?

  Don't ruin it for Tig. What a spoiler.

• 17:26Tig Notaro?

  The very last Friends episode?

• 17:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, they're like, the characters are crying, but you can tell the actors are also crying. It's their final scene. It really gets me every time and I do revisit it.

• 17:36Tig Notaro?

  Really?

• 17:37Fortune Feimster?

  Well, they spent a lot of time together. That was the days of twenty-four episodes, right?

• 17:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 17:43Fortune Feimster?

  And what did they do, like?

• 17:44Mae Martin?

  Ten years or something?

• 17:45Fortune Feimster?

  Ten years?

• 17:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 17:47Fortune Feimster?

  That's a lot of time with people.

• 17:49Tig Notaro?

  And a lot of money.

• 17:51Fortune Feimster?

  And that too.

• 17:58Fortune Feimster?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I've got a little snack with me before I leave the house? My stomach and I are grumbling. I thought I'd be able to grab a bite in between meetings, but now it's getting late and I could really use a candy bar.

• 18:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 18:26Tig Notaro?

  The handsome hollybob season is fast approaching, and I'm realizing that we haven't hosted friends and family for a few months. Looking around my home, it's in need of a bit of a festive refresh. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without the stress.

• 18:48Fortune Feimster?

  Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Products are hand-vetted by a product specialist using a 10-point quality inspection. They've got options for every style and budget. I'm more into the classic holiday look with multicolor bulbs, tinsel, you name it. Wayfair has all of that. I use Wayfair to decorate my fireplace this season, and it looks so cozy and festive. I love everything I've gotten on Wayfair, and I know you will too.

• 19:17Tig Notaro?

  When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

• 19:33Fortune Feimster?

  There's nothing quite like having pieces in your closet you love and know that you can count on for any occasion, except maybe giving someone else that same feeling. This holiday season, Quince is where I'm finding those pieces. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and premium stretch denim.

• 19:53Tig Notaro?

  Let me tell you about my jeans. I got a pair of the Luna Stretch Slim Straight Jeans for only $50 compared to that $235. Compare that to $200. $35 at traditional retail. They're quickly turning into my favorite thing to cover my legs with. I'm gonna pick up some more pairs because Quince has tons of color options as well.

• 20:18Fortune Feimster?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was handsome. It's the best way to support the show.

• 20:38Tig Notaro?

  I want to do more live shows.

• 20:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah, me too.

• 20:42Tig Notaro?

  That'd be fun, yeah. Really want to do more live shows.

• 20:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and I want to do more in person as well. We just, it's hard to get together. It's hard to...

• 20:50Tig Notaro?

  Oh, in person in the studio together. Yeah, it's been hard because we've, we've had a lot going on, a lot of work, a lot of personal stuff. And so, as soon as we can be back in the studio together or do more live shows, man, will that be great.

• 21:07Mae Martin?

  I'd like to also introduce some new segments like Secrets and Lies or something. Or not that, but like, or like Truth and...

• 21:16Fortune Feimster?

  Two Truths and a Lie?

• 21:17Mae Martin?

  Like Two Truths and a Lie or something. Just introduce a little...

• 21:19Tig Notaro?

  Two against one.

• 21:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah, a little intrigue.

• 21:22Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Why don't we get started?

• 21:24Mae Martin?

  Okay, welcome to Secrets and Lies. I'm gonna say, one truth and one lie, and then you say what, what is true, okay?

• 21:33Tig Notaro?

  Where's the secret?

• 21:34Mae Martin?

  Um, the secret is actually the prize is I'm gonna tell you a secret.

• 21:39Tig Notaro?

  Ooh.

• 21:40Mae Martin?

  I don't know, I haven't thought this through.

• 21:42Fortune Feimster?

  You're gonna tell everyone the secret? Cause the segment's called Secrets and Lies.

• 21:47Tig Notaro?

  Breaking out in hives.

• 21:48Mae Martin?

  I'm freaking out now. I'm freaking out. I haven't thought this through.

• 21:51Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe the game is just a truth and a lie?

• 21:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, let's go to truth and, truth and a lie, okay?

• 21:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, cause you called it Secrets and Lies, and then, and then it, then you, I don't know, I got lost.

• 22:02Fortune Feimster?

  But then did you see May freak out as soon as they were like, "And then I'll tell you a secret." Oh, God.

• 22:12Mae Martin?

  My neck got really red.

• 22:14Tig Notaro?

  Okay, let's hear a secret and a lie.

• 22:16Mae Martin?

  Or no, a truth and a lie.

• 22:17Fortune Feimster?

  No, we got rid of the secrets.

• 22:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, oh, boy, this game is...

• 22:20Fortune Feimster?

  I know, we have, like, this is probably why we should think about this stuff before, but we'll just figure it out as we go.

• 22:25Tig Notaro?

  Whatever, we're here, let's hear a truth and a lie, May.

• 22:27Fortune Feimster?

  And queer.

• 22:29Mae Martin?

  Okay, truth and a lie. One of these is true, one of them is a lie.

• 22:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 22:35Mae Martin?

  Number one. Fuck.

• 22:39Fortune Feimster?

  Like you were had it on lock, ready to go.

• 22:42Mae Martin?

  I know, I know. Okay. Number one, I saw Cher eating breakfast in a hotel lobby.

• 22:50Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm, okay.

• 22:52Mae Martin?

  Number two, I was in an elevator with Tom Cruise and he sneezed.

• 22:58Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm, the second was a lie. Absolutely.

• 23:02Mae Martin?

  How, because you're right, because obviously the first thing I would have told you guys when we started this podcast.

• 23:07Tig Notaro?

  You would never stop talking about.

• 23:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 23:10Tig Notaro?

  Never.

• 23:11Mae Martin?

  Shirt I was wearing.

• 23:12Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, never stopped talking about.

• 23:14Fortune Feimster?

  He wore a rare signee.

• 23:16Tig Notaro?

  Back up, nobody would have let you in an elevator with Tom Cruise.

• 23:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you're right. They would have been.

• 23:22Fortune Feimster?

  Good point.

• 23:23Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 23:24Mae Martin?

  Guarding it.

• 23:25Tig Notaro?

  His crew would have been so on it. They're not going to let little cowboy in there, especially if he's got the sniffles.

• 23:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you're right. You're right.

• 23:34Fortune Feimster?

  I'm in an elevator once in Australia with Caroline Kennedy.

• 23:38Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 23:38Fortune Feimster?

  And her security guard.

• 23:41Mae Martin?

  Rise up lights.

• 23:42Fortune Feimster?

  Rise and lines.

• 23:44Mae Martin?

  Were they eyeing you?

• 23:45Fortune Feimster?

  They had their, they were looking around.

• 23:47Mae Martin?

  One time I went with my friend to a, here's someone I haven't told you guys. I went with my friend to a.

• 23:52Fortune Feimster?

  A secret.

• 23:53Mae Martin?

  Uh, yeah, to like a little petting zoo in Australia and we snuck over.

• 23:59Tig Notaro?

  What's with Australia?

• 24:00Mae Martin?

  Well, that's what made me think of it.

• 24:01Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, fans out there. Oh, by the way, Toni Collette, your friend ripped on my Australian accent on the handsome page.

• 24:09Mae Martin?

  She did, yeah.

• 24:11Tig Notaro?

  What did she say?

• 24:12Mae Martin?

  Toni Collette commented, was like, this is awful.

• 24:15Fortune Feimster?

  She wrote, that's the worst Australian accent I've ever heard, or something like that.

• 24:20Mae Martin?

  Something funny like that.

• 24:21Fortune Feimster?

  But if she were to say it, she would have said, that's the worst Australian accent I've ever had.

• 24:27Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 24:28Tig Notaro?

  Did people take her joke seriously?

• 24:31Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I commented on it and people laughed.

• 24:34Mae Martin?

  I think people liked it, yeah.

• 24:36Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 24:38Mae Martin?

  So one time I went to this petting zoo in Australia with my friend and we wanted to

• 24:42Tig Notaro?

  Where in Australia?

• 24:44Mae Martin?

  This was in

• 24:45Tig Notaro?

  Down under.

• 24:46Mae Martin?

  Just outside of Sydney. Yeah, right down under. Yeah. And we wanted to get close to the goats. And so we actually climbed over a fence. It was this rainy day and, and we went and we're petting these goats. And then later on, we were in like the sort of entrance area and one of the women who worked there said, like, are you having a nice day? And we were like, yeah. And then she goes, um, I heard there were two sus young boys trying to touch the goats. And she was describing me and him as sus young boys. He was in his 40s and I was myself. Two sus young boys.

• 25:22Fortune Feimster?

  Watch out for the goats.

• 25:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:24Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 25:25Fortune Feimster?

  That's great. I love that you were climbing, climbing a fence to try to get to the goats.

• 25:30Tig Notaro?

  Wait, aren't we gonna hear a truth and a lie from Fortune?

• 25:33Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, God.

• 25:34Mae Martin?

  Oh, sure.

• 25:36Fortune Feimster?

  I don't even know. Do you have one in the barrel?

• 25:40Tig Notaro?

  Um, yes. I, um, I didn't get a cell phone until I was 33.

• 25:53Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 25:54Tig Notaro?

  And I don't like the smell of incense.

• 26:00Mae Martin?

  Both of those could be true.

• 26:01Tig Notaro?

  Second one's a lie.

• 26:02Mae Martin?

  Thirty-three. I'm just trying to do the, I'm trying to remember. It was around, what, 2002, 2003, people were getting phones, cell phones. I'm gonna say that the, I'm gonna say the first one's a lie.

• 26:16Tig Notaro?

  And you're saying the second one's a lie, Fortune?

• 26:18Fortune Feimster?

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:19Tig Notaro?

  The first one is a lie.

• 26:21Mae Martin?

  Wow, yes.

• 26:22Fortune Feimster?

  You got it at, what, 31?

• 26:29Tig Notaro?

  No, I was 29 when I got a cell phone. There you go.

• 26:37Fortune Feimster?

  I think my first, my first cell phone was, uh, my senior year of college. But no, but I don't know why I got one. No one else had one.

• 26:47Mae Martin?

  Really? You were the first?

• 26:48Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 26:49Mae Martin?

  And you had no one to call?

• 26:50Fortune Feimster?

  No one, except like my mom, like a landline.

• 26:55Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know why I got one and I didn't have that much money. So it was so stupid.

• 27:00Tig Notaro?

  When cell phones first came out, remember it was like you're paying for minutes and it's like, I gotta go click.

• 27:06Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 27:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 27:08Fortune Feimster?

  For sure.

• 27:09Tig Notaro?

  I ran, I went over my minutes.

• 27:11Fortune Feimster?

  Oh yeah. And it was expensive if you want to every minute. I had a beeper.

• 27:16Fortune Feimster?

  Did when I was sophomore and junior in college. I got a beeper because I was an RA.

• 27:22Mae Martin?

  What's RA?

• 27:23Fortune Feimster?

  Um, the resident assistant of a dorm. So like you were kind of in charge of a hall.

• 27:29Tig Notaro?

  Of course you were.

• 27:30Mae Martin?

  That's a full, fully formed character in my head. You got a beeper, you're an RA, you're Fortune.

• 27:36Fortune Feimster?

  Well, cause what I would do is you, some of those people probably listen to this. So this is funny, but for me. But you're supposed to, as an art, a part of your job was you had to like, once a week, you couldn't leave your room all night. And then one weekend a month, you couldn't leave campus because you were like in charge. So I would write on, you had like little boards that you could write on, you know? I would write like doing rounds, which, because you were supposed to like go around campus and check on things. Here's my beeper number if you need me. And I would like go to IHOP with my friends and like do whatever.

• 28:16Fortune Feimster?

  So if I got the thing, I would just go to the payphone and call and be like, I'm by the cafeteria. What's up?

• 28:27Mae Martin?

  Is this a role you volunteered for and then?

• 28:29Fortune Feimster?

  No, you got paid.

• 28:30Mae Martin?

  Oh, what?

• 28:31Tig Notaro?

  What kind of cash? What are we talking about? Friends money?

• 28:33Fortune Feimster?

  Minimum wage back then. I wouldn't do it, obviously all the time, but occasionally.

• 28:39Tig Notaro?

  What, like five bucks an hour?

• 28:41Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, something like that. And you, um, you got your own room. You didn't have to have a roommate. That was pretty sweet.

• 28:48Mae Martin?

  That's a big perk.

• 28:49Fortune Feimster?

  For two years, but yeah, I'm like, here's my beeper. Let me know.

• 28:54Fortune Feimster?

  Then I got a cell phone, but I wasn't an RA anymore. When I moved to Spain, everyone had a cell phone there, everyone. Um, so they caught on over there first and. Everyone and their mother texted because it was way cheaper than calling. And I just remember telling my friends back home, like, everyone has a cellphone here and they text. And they're like, they what? And I'm like, texts. They like, they had no, it was like such a foreign thing to us.

• 29:21Tig Notaro?

  I remember the first time I got a text. I was just minding my own business at my house in Venice, California. And my phone popped up with a message on it. And I was, I was so spooked and I didn't know.

• 29:39Mae Martin?

  Went straight to bed.

• 29:40Tig Notaro?

  I was, I was so confused and spooked. I was like, what is happening with my phone? And it was coming from a friend, but I didn't know how they got a message on, written on my phone. It was, it was very alarming.

• 29:55Mae Martin?

  Take me back.

• 29:56Tig Notaro?

  Should we, uh, should we get a, a question? See who our question asker is today?

• 30:02Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 30:04Mae Martin?

  100.

• 30:05Tig Notaro?

  Today's question asker is an Emmy winning TV and podcast host, comedian, hairstylist, and a New York Times bestselling author, best known as one of the co-hosts of Queer Eye on Netflix. Their latest book is a young adult novel titled Let Them Stare. Jonathan Van Ness is asking today's question.

• 30:29Mae Martin?

  It's criminal. We haven't had JVN on before. I can't believe JVN, they're the perfect guest.

• 30:36Fortune Feimster?

  And we're all known for our hair, right? Right, guys?

• 30:40Mae Martin?

  Are we?

• 30:41Fortune Feimster?

  Are we all known for our hair?

• 30:43Tig Notaro?

  Mine's called the Tigwig.

• 30:46Mae Martin?

  Okay, yeah. Hi handsome, it's Jonathan Van Ness. And my question is, if you could switch places with anyone? Oh my God, I haven't shaken out my curls yet. So. Curls.

• 30:57Speaker 05

  I apologize, don't mind me. If you could switch places with anybody, who would you switch with and why?

• 31:03Mae Martin?

  Get those beautiful.

• 31:03Fortune Feimster?

  Those curls were popping.

• 31:05Mae Martin?

  Popping curls.

• 31:07Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 31:08Mae Martin?

  I want, would, do you think your curls would do that? Fortune?

• 31:12Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm, well Jonathan has much more hair than me.

• 31:17Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 31:17Fortune Feimster?

  Those long, luscious locks. Um, I, if I had somebody do it, they probably, I could probably get the like Little House on the Prairie.

• 31:26Mae Martin?

  Or like Shirley Temple.

• 31:27Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes, yes, please.

• 31:30Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you have to like scrunch my hair and diffuse it to get the real tight curls.

• 31:36Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Oh, man, that's a great question, though. What, what a ray of sunshine in the world, too, Jonathan Van Ness. Yeah, I remember that first season of Queer Eye that we were all kind of introduced to JVN and just being like, who is this charismatic, amazing person? Um, I know my answer.

• 31:55Fortune Feimster?

  Who does gymnastics, too?

• 31:57Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 31:58Fortune Feimster?

  With those curls bopping around?

• 31:59Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 32:00Fortune Feimster?

  That's amazing.

• 32:01Tig Notaro?

  Wild.

• 32:03Fortune Feimster?

  That would be hard, like balance beams and stuff like that.

• 32:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 32:07Fortune Feimster?

  If we could switch places with anyone?

• 32:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, May has an answer.

• 32:11Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 32:12Mae Martin?

  Harry Styles. And I'll say, I'll tell you why, just for a day. Because having like tried to play music on stage with a band and stuff, I, I just, the way he moves his body effortlessly and is so handsome and sings so well. I didn't even know until I heard this question that I'm, what a fan of Harry Styles I am, but it turns out I am. And, and I would just love to, to be in a big stadium, playing those songs and like moving like that and seeing all the signs and, and how fun that would feel, yeah. Seems fun.

• 32:50Fortune Feimster?

  I can see that. I can see that parallel.

• 32:53Mae Martin?

  Cool tattoos and yeah, like I don't know how to move my body when I'm playing the guitar and so like I just stand like a statue at the mic.

• 33:01Fortune Feimster?

  Oh yeah, Harry's got some moves. I mean,

• 33:04Mae Martin?

  Hell yes.

• 33:06Fortune Feimster?

  He's out there with that, you know, those tight pants and that big butterfly tattoo and his little vest.

• 33:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 33:15Fortune Feimster?

  Just making everyone go wild.

• 33:18Mae Martin?

  I want to like show some skin like that. So confident, you know?

• 33:22Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, he does seem very comfortable in his own skin and just like he is who he is and that's, that's that.

• 33:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 33:31Fortune Feimster?

  I like, I like him too.

• 33:33Tig Notaro?

  Me too.

• 33:33Fortune Feimster?

  He's got a mustache right now.

• 33:35Tig Notaro?

  I love a mustache.

• 33:36Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 33:39Tig Notaro?

  Love a mustache.

• 33:40Mae Martin?

  Too.

• 33:41Tig Notaro?

  Thomas, don't ever shave that thing off.

• 33:44Mae Martin?

  Don't ever change, Thomas.

• 33:52Mae Martin?

  Who would you switch places with?

• 33:54Tig Notaro?

  This is a different way in, I think, to the question, but I would switch places. And are we talking about really switching places? Like Harry Styles would be you? Or do you just get to be Harry Styles for a day?

• 34:09Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my God, would Harry Styles be doing the handsome pod with us?

• 34:12Mae Martin?

  I did not even think about that. Oh my God. Yeah. Like Freaky Friday style.

• 34:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:18Fortune Feimster?

  He's like, interesting point. Let me tell you what. I just did an Australian accent for Harry. Interesting point. Let me tell you about my story.

• 34:27Tig Notaro?

  How do you do a British?

• 34:28Fortune Feimster?

  I think there's some Australians that would um beg to differ that you did an Australian accent. Harry Styles accent.

• 34:36Mae Martin?

  Harry's got kind of, it's like, it's like part American now, but

• 34:41Fortune Feimster?

  Harry.

• 34:42Mae Martin?

  It's, I really, I love singing.

• 34:44Fortune Feimster?

  I love music.

• 34:45Mae Martin?

  I'm doing like the Beatles kind of, but I don't know.

• 34:48Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 34:49Mae Martin?

  Wait, what's your different way in, Tig?

• 34:51Tig Notaro?

  Well, you know, I, I think, um, I have had, as time has gone on, I've had more and more questions for my mother. And so I have wanted, I would say I'd want to switch places with my mother so I could get to know her better and get some answers about her and myself and her life.

• 35:17Mae Martin?

  Hmm.

• 35:18Tig Notaro?

  That I could take away because, you know, I remember hearing somebody say, you know, you should interview your parents or loved ones while you still can. Um, and I wish I had been able to interview my mother. So instead of that, I would like to be her for a day.

• 35:39Mae Martin?

  And would you choose a particular time in her life?

• 35:42Tig Notaro?

  I think, um, in her older years, just because I would, I would have a lot of questions. And also if she switched places with me, she could meet Stephanie and Max and Finn.

• 35:54Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 35:55Mae Martin?

  That's really nice.

• 35:56Fortune Feimster?

  That's so sweet.

• 35:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's true. I just, I wish she could have met them. But anyway, so yeah, I think that I would switch places with her to, to get to know her in a way that I just, just can't.

• 36:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah, like see what it feels like to be her moving through the world and.

• 36:16Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm. And gain the information about her that I just didn't know or think of, you know, when she was alive, you know?

• 36:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah. In this version, when you, when you become her, you, you have access to all her memories and everything and brain. That's cool. I like that. Yeah.

• 36:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:34Fortune Feimster?

  I wonder how long we're switching places.

• 36:36Mae Martin?

  I think one day.

• 36:38Tig Notaro?

  One day. Okay.

• 36:39Mae Martin?

  Are you gonna choose Biggie?

• 36:41Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, that would be the simplest day ever.

• 36:44Tig Notaro?

  You'd have a penis, though.

• 36:45Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 36:46Mae Martin?

  You'd have not only a penis, but a dog penis.

• 36:49Tig Notaro?

  There'd be hair all over it.

• 36:51Mae Martin?

  A little lipstick.

• 36:53Fortune Feimster?

  I don't, I think it'd be scary to be a dog, cause like, you're at the mercy of everyone else.

• 36:59Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 36:59Fortune Feimster?

  That would give me too much anxiety, though. He's over here just living his best life.

• 37:04Tig Notaro?

  You also have to just be okay with who adopted you. That's the other weird thing.

• 37:09Fortune Feimster?

  You have to hope they're, they're good to you. I mean, he's got a pretty cushy life.

• 37:13Mae Martin?

  That's true about life anyway, though.

• 37:16Fortune Feimster?

  Between the two of us, he's, I mean, we spoil him rotten.

• 37:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:21Fortune Feimster?

  Well, that's a really good one. I like that, Tig.

• 37:23Tig Notaro?

  Well, thank you.

• 37:24Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want to switch places with my grandmother, but I would like her to answer if she was a lesbian.

• 37:30Mae Martin?

  Uh huh.

• 37:31Tig Notaro?

  I can answer that for her.

• 37:34Fortune Feimster?

  Because I say this, cause I did that, um, you know, that Tyler Henry medium show?

• 37:39Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:40Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:40Fortune Feimster?

  And he said that like, someone in my lineage was gay. And that me being out and proud was like, that they felt like proud that like, I'm like, living the life they couldn't. And I'm like, was that my grandma?

• 37:56Tig Notaro?

  It was.

• 37:57Mae Martin?

  I think you should switch places with Tyler Henry, and then you can talk to Tig's mom.

• 38:01Fortune Feimster?

  That seems so stressful.

• 38:03Mae Martin?

  You can talk to all our people.

• 38:05Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want.

• 38:06Tig Notaro?

  You need to get a notepad. I like Otamay Brown on Ghost. It's too much. I'll be like, Ghost, remember she'd be like, leave me alone.

• 38:14Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:15Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 38:17Fortune Feimster?

  Leave me alone. Leave me alone. I'm trying to just, I'm just trying to make money. Get out of here.

• 38:22Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 38:23Mae Martin?

  I would like to switch places with him.

• 38:25Fortune Feimster?

  He seems exhausted after those readings.

• 38:27Mae Martin?

  I know. I saw in that reality show he made, but he would sometimes, after he's doing all those readings, he'd just go to bed, lie in bed for it.

• 38:33Fortune Feimster?

  I believe it, cause there are all these people trying to get in, telling stuff, and it's heavy, you know, everyone's crying.

• 38:40Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 38:40Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want to switch places with him, but I appreciate what he does. But yeah, I would like to ask my grandma that, but I don't want to, I don't think she'd have enough fun for me to switch for the day. I want to, I want to go big, like someone whose life is wild, like, like an Oprah. Whoa.

• 38:57Tig Notaro?

  Mick Jagger. That's a wild.

• 38:59Fortune Feimster?

  I met Mick Jagger.

• 39:01Tig Notaro?

  When?

• 39:01Fortune Feimster?

  Did I tell you that? A couple of months ago.

• 39:03Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 39:04Fortune Feimster?

  At a party. I was like, it was after, after the Oscars. I was like, you were funny. He goes, hey. I can't do the accent.

• 39:13Tig Notaro?

  No, you can't.

• 39:15Fortune Feimster?

  But you know what?

• 39:16Tig Notaro?

  And nor can you do the face.

• 39:18Fortune Feimster?

  No, that was a crazy Mick Jagger. But you know, he's like.

• 39:24Tig Notaro?

  I met Keith Richards.

• 39:26Mae Martin?

  I can't believe this. Wait, why did you say he was funny?

• 39:30Fortune Feimster?

  He presented at the Oscars and he was funny.

• 39:33Mae Martin?

  And he was funny.

• 39:34Fortune Feimster?

  And he was like, yeah. So we had like a fun little moment. He like, was like, right on, like laughed. And it was like, I can't believe I just talked to Mick Jagger.

• 39:42Mae Martin?

  That's crazy.

• 39:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 39:45Mae Martin?

  I mean, yeah, if you could do like, but what about like someone today, living today to switch?

• 39:49Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, Oprah. He is living today.

• 39:51Mae Martin?

  Oh no, sorry. I know.

• 39:55Fortune Feimster?

  He is a talk to his ghost.

• 39:58Tig Notaro?

  He's in his eighties and he still runs around the stage like he's Harry Styles.

• 40:05Mae Martin?

  He's rocking hard.

• 40:06Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know. I like Oprah's life. She's got like a chef and she's in Montecito and like, then you could just zoom all your famous friends all day. And then like donate a bunch of money to charity and like, I could just make a world of good, a difference in a day.

• 40:23Mae Martin?

  Oh, you just donate all her money. She gets back in her body and she's.

• 40:26Fortune Feimster?

  I just donate a bunch of money to people, have dinner with like someone like famous, like, I don't know.

• 40:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 40:33Fortune Feimster?

  And Zoom people, just like go through her phone and just start FaceTiming people.

• 40:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that would be good. FaceTiming people.

• 40:42Fortune Feimster?

  Have her chef make something amazing. Check in on Gail. Gail's in space. She's like, I gotta call you back.

• 40:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 40:50Fortune Feimster?

  And, and, and you probably, and Oprah probably knows a lot of like secrets and.

• 40:55Tig Notaro?

  Oh yes, she does.

• 40:56Fortune Feimster?

  And I'd find out everyone's secrets.

• 40:59Tig Notaro?

  Everyone tells Oprah everything.

• 41:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you'd trust, you'd trust Oprah.

• 41:05Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 41:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 41:07Fortune Feimster?

  I think I would be into that.

• 41:09Mae Martin?

  That's a really good answer.

• 41:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I think we all had good ones. Should we hear what all JVN has to say?

• 41:15Mae Martin?

  Yes, please.

• 41:16Tig Notaro?

  Better not be my mother.

• 41:21Speaker 05

  And my answer is Stormy, Kylie's daughter. That Birkin collection is next level. And she, I mean, it seems like everyone in their family has to get a job somehow, but I bet Kylie wouldn't make her. She wouldn't want to. I just, I would love for Kylie to be my mom and have so many Birkins. And for like Chris to be my grandma and have like so many fun cousins. And just be like three or four again. So I feel like she's probably having so much fun. Okay, that's what I would say. Love you guys. Bye.

• 41:55Fortune Feimster?

  I will say I have watched the Kardashian show on Hulu. And those, those kids are living the life for sure.

• 42:05Speaker 05

  To be a rich four-year-old is actually the best idea ever.

• 42:09Fortune Feimster?

  Just bossing people around.

• 42:12Tig Notaro?

  Are they bossing people around?

• 42:14Fortune Feimster?

  No, I was saying they could, but um, Kris Jenner does seem like a really fun grandma.

• 42:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:21Fortune Feimster?

  She just like rents Sprinter vans and takes them on hayrides and there's like treats everywhere. I mean, I can see the appeal of this life.

• 42:29Tig Notaro?

  I could do that for you. I could rent a Sprinter van and get treats and take you on a hayride.

• 42:34Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 42:36Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and I could be your grandmother.

• 42:37Fortune Feimster?

  Come on, bitch.

• 42:39Tig Notaro?

  Put it on the list, Thomas. I'm gonna take fortune on a hayride in a Sprinter van.

• 42:44Fortune Feimster?

  Please.

• 42:47Speaker 05

  But what were they saying about Merkins?

• 42:49Fortune Feimster?

  Burt, Birkins.

• 42:50Speaker 05

  Oh, okay, that makes more sense.

• 42:54Fortune Feimster?

  A Merkin is um, quite different.

• 42:58Tig Notaro?

  You wanna explain it to our listeners?

• 43:00Speaker 05

  A Merkin's like a fake pub wig. I thought that was weird. I thought that was odd.

• 43:07Fortune Feimster?

  Why she got a bunch of that? Does Stormy for real have Birkins? Cause you know, those are like 10 to like 10,000 minimum. And that's rare.

• 43:17Speaker 05

  What are they? Birkins?

• 43:18Fortune Feimster?

  Birkins are Hermes bags, like very high-end, very difficult to buy. You have to get like invited to even look at them.

• 43:28Speaker 05

  I'm not shocked that, that Stormy's got access to those.

• 43:32Tig Notaro?

  I'll be honest, I've never heard of Stormy, but uh, it's fun to hear about.

• 43:37Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, yeah, it's Kylie Jenner's kid with, I believe Travis Scott.

• 43:43Tig Notaro?

  And is is she like, people talk about Stormy?

• 43:47Fortune Feimster?

  I think the Kardashian Jenner folks are talked about in pop culture often.

• 43:53Mae Martin?

  Incessantly. Well, they're they're kind of like, like pop culture royalty and like Stormy is, I guess, the heir to that.

• 44:00Fortune Feimster?

  The heir to the throne. And you know Kylie is Kylie is like a gazillionaire. Her her makeup line is like worth a billion dollars.

• 44:10Mae Martin?

  Why aren't we in the makeup?

• 44:11Fortune Feimster?

  I'm saying this to Tig as if Tig's gonna go, yeah, I knew that.

• 44:17Fortune Feimster?

  Um, but so Stormy is also the heir to a a large fortune.

• 44:22Mae Martin?

  God, I hope my lip taint company takes off.

• 44:25Fortune Feimster?

  You do. You do need to get that lip taint going.

• 44:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 44:29Tig Notaro?

  I met Kim, or not Kim, um, the mom.

• 44:33Mae Martin?

  Kris.

• 44:33Tig Notaro?

  Kris. Kris, yeah, years ago at Heather McDonald's house.

• 44:37Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah. I find her really sexy, Kris Jenner.

• 44:41Tig Notaro?

  Go for it.

• 44:41Fortune Feimster?

  She's actually really very nice and personable. I've met her a couple of times and she's always been nothing but nice.

• 44:48Mae Martin?

  Fascinating. And yeah, I find them really likable on the show.

• 44:51Tig Notaro?

  I met her when she was with.

• 44:53Fortune Feimster?

  Bruce?

• 44:54Tig Notaro?

  I mean, or, yeah.

• 44:56Fortune Feimster?

  But I guess Caitlyn was Bruce at that point.

• 44:58Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, at that time, Bruce.

• 45:01Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 45:01Tig Notaro?

  Um, and, um.

• 45:03Mae Martin?

  Were they nice to you?

• 45:05Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, very. Um, there was a joke on Sarah Silverman, I think, at one point about me looking like Bruce Jenner. And then when I met them, um, and shared that, there I was in the arms of Bruce Jenner.

• 45:19Mae Martin?

  That's very funny.

• 45:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 45:21Mae Martin?

  I wouldn't mind being JVN for a day, to be honest, to have that level of, I mean, I'm sure they don't have that level of energy and all the time, but um, man, what a nice vibe.

• 45:33Tig Notaro?

  What do you suppose the energy is the other times?

• 45:36Mae Martin?

  Well, I'm just thinking about myself and when I'm alone in my house sometimes and my face just melts into like, nothing and I'm just sitting down.

• 45:46Fortune Feimster?

  Would y'all want to be a three or four year old for a day again, or?

• 45:51Mae Martin?

  Um.

• 45:52Tig Notaro?

  I remember when I first got my double mastectomy, I was hanging out with my, yeah. My friend, my very closest friend at the time, and we were just like, when I say we were rolling around in bed, it wasn't romantic. But he and I were just like hanging out, lying in bed, laughing so hard. And I had like a tight T-shirt on. And it was the first time like after my surgery had healed. And I was just like in this really clear, it was just clearly a better place than I had been in a long time. And I felt eight years

• 46:34Tig Notaro?

  old. And you know, just having no boobs, a T-shirt on and laughing with my best friend until we were crying. And it was like the first sign of hope in 2012 for me. You know? So that when I think I never have felt like, oh, I want to be a kid or oh, I, I don't have an issue with growing older. But when I think about that one little moment in time, I'm like, ah, that, that took me back to, there was something fun about that.

• 47:07Mae Martin?

  It would be fun, but also like to actually before, but it would so depend on the, on the environment and people you're around. Because you're such a little helpless little nugget. You got like, yeah, four years old, going to Disney for the first time with some kind adult would be great. But four years old, you know?

• 47:24Tig Notaro?

  I don't have the best memory back then, like, especially when I was like little, little, I had like little pieces of things, especially like around like the age four or five. Do you guys have good memories of that time in your life?

• 47:38Mae Martin?

  I feel like I have a lot of memories. Yeah.

• 47:40Tig Notaro?

  Really? It's a real mixed bag of good and bad for me.

• 47:43Fortune Feimster?

  I can't barely remember.

• 47:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah, not necessarily all good, but I have a lot like I remember it. I remember.

• 47:48Tig Notaro?

  I remember it happened.

• 47:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 47:51Tig Notaro?

  I know for sure it happened.

• 47:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 47:53Tig Notaro?

  And we, and we don't have, I don't have like a ton of pictures. I, you know, we didn't have video cameras were not as prevalent. I wish I had like video footage of me more as a kid.

• 48:04Mae Martin?

  Same. Actually, I have none. Yeah. This conspiracy theorists listening are gonna think maybe Fortune's AI. Like, there's no, like, if you're like, I don't have any record of myself before a certain age. Yeah, it turns out, yeah.

• 48:18Tig Notaro?

  Most of my childhood photos, my mother had been in a car accident and broke, like, every bone in her body. And so she couldn't raise her arm very high. And when she would take a picture, it would, um, it would, like, like, her arm would jerk down and it would just, I would always tease her because my childhood was just like a picture with my foot in the corner. Like, I was just running by and she missed me.

• 48:48Fortune Feimster?

  My mom would always cut at least one or two people out of the photo without fail. And usually it was the person you wanted to take a picture with.

• 48:59Fortune Feimster?

  If, like, you met someone famous or something, she would, like, inevitably accidentally cut them out.

• 49:04Tig Notaro?

  And why would she, what was she doing with scissors and the, like, what?

• 49:09Fortune Feimster?

  No, like, when she's taking the picture.

• 49:11Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I thought you meant, like, after it was developed.

• 49:14Fortune Feimster?

  No, no. When she was taking it. Because, you know, it was a roll of film back then, you didn't get to see what you were taking.

• 49:21Tig Notaro?

  No sign that whatever happened, ever.

• 49:24Fortune Feimster?

  And we'd be so excited and get the pictures back. We're like, Mom!

• 49:30Tig Notaro?

  It's just Mickey Mouse's one big ear.

• 49:32Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, she's like, I told you I'm bad at this.

• 49:37Fortune Feimster?

  Well, when you switch places with your mom, you can, for that day, take so many photos with a proper arm.

• 49:45Tig Notaro?

  Yes, indeed.

• 49:46Mae Martin?

  No, Tig will have the bad arm still.

• 49:49Fortune Feimster?

  But we'll Tig, but we'll Tig have the consciousness of, like, let me lift, try to lift my shoulder up more.

• 49:54Mae Martin?

  Oh, maybe, yeah, you'll prop it up on, yeah.

• 49:57Tig Notaro?

  Well, um, I have to be honest, that was a good time.

• 50:03Mae Martin?

  I gotta be real with you guys, that was a great time.

• 50:06Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 50:07Mae Martin?

  Did you enjoy yourself?

• 50:08Tig Notaro?

  Biggie's on camera, fully naked.

• 50:11Fortune Feimster?

  He just asked if I planned to switch places with him because he wanted to know if he'll be doing this podcast with Harry Styles.

• 50:18Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God, is he a fan?

• 50:21Fortune Feimster?

  Definitely a fan.

• 50:23Mae Martin?

  Tig's mother and Biggie.

• 50:24Tig Notaro?

  It's my mother, Harry Styles, and who is yours, Fortune?

• 50:28Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, Oprah.

• 50:30Tig Notaro?

  Oprah. Thank God I would subscribe so fast.

• 50:36Mae Martin?

  Why can't you subscribe? Yeah.

• 50:38Fortune Feimster?

  I hope Oprah gives some of our fans a car.

• 50:41Mae Martin?

  Me too.

• 50:42Tig Notaro?

  Hi, Biggie. Look at that precious face.

• 50:46Fortune Feimster?

  Hee, sweet.

• 50:47Tig Notaro?

  Does anyone have anything going on coming up?

• 50:51Mae Martin?

  I got these three tour shows doing, playing my album, I'm a TV, and some new songs as well. I'm telling stories in Portland, and San Francisco, and Vancouver around June 10th, 12th, and 13th. But check out maymartinmusic.com for tickets. And I'm at Largo as well, once a month, doing new material with guests. So check that out.

• 51:12Tig Notaro?

  June 14th, Eureka Springs, Arkansas. P-Town on August 23rd. And other than that, check out the documentary that I produced called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's making its rounds at festivals and killing it real hard. Go to tignotaro.com for all my show information. I'm working out material at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter. And all the information is right there online. Fortune, what's going on with you?

• 51:44Fortune Feimster?

  Um, June 5th, I'm at St. Louis, Missouri. Then have Kansas City, Missouri, Wichita, Kansas, Vegas, Lexington, Knoxville, Asheville. Then we added some fun new ones, like in Houston, DC, Chicago, Boston. You can go to fortunefeamster.com for those tickets. And come hear me talk about some biscuits. And then we'll, a bunch of you guys, we posted on our Instagram, asking where you guys wanted us to come to a live show at some point. And we got a crazy amount of comments. So we'll have to look into that and

• 52:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 52:24Fortune Feimster?

  Put that on the books at some point.

• 52:26Mae Martin?

  We want to come see you.

• 52:27Tig Notaro?

  Man, I love our live shows. I love them so much. I want to keep doing them. And again, share your favorite episodes with people that have never listened to the podcast. Friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and help build the handsome community.

• 52:42Mae Martin?

  Stay tuned for more segments like the one I did today.

• 52:48Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, maybe I'm going to come up with some amazing segments.

• 52:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm going to come up with something better.

• 52:52Fortune Feimster?

  Twenty, over 2,300 comments of people telling us where to go.

• 52:56Tig Notaro?

  There's not even that many towns and cities in the world. All right. Well, until next time, shall we, uh? Keep it handsome.

• 53:06Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected]. And please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 53:22Mae Martin?

  What a podcast!

• 53:28Speaker 00

  That was a HeadGum podcast.

• 53:31Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that my outfit matches the vibe of the evening before heading out the door, I regret everything. The night called for a black t-shirt, but I wore a white one instead, and now everything's out of alignment.

• 53:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate, North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 54:00Speaker 06

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 54:02Speaker 05

  And Hannah Simone.

• 54:03Speaker 06

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog-

• 54:24Speaker 05

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 54:37Speaker 06

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 54:48Speaker 05

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.