Bill Hader Returns Again

Actor, comedian, and director Bill Hader feels grateful about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Bill sits down with Conan once more to discuss ideas from the SNL writers’ room that never made it past Lorne, his personal experience evacuating during the Palisades fire, anxiety as an occupational hazard in the entertainment industry, and more. Plus, Sona reveals how she avoided a scam by a fake Conan O’Brien. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

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• 0:46Speaker 01

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• 1:19Speaker 02

  Hi, my name is Bill Hader, and I feel grateful about being Conan O'Brien's friend. That's so sweet.

• 1:52Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by Sona Movsesian. Hi, Sona. Hi. And of course, Matt Gourley. Hi. Good to see you, Matt. Matt, you have some props? You're a prop comic now? No, this was handed to me by the lovely Ruthie in the same way that...

• 2:10Speaker 03

  That a child is dropped off at a fire station's doorstep?

• 2:14Conan O'Brien?

  Or Moses, a young Moses arrives in a reeded basket.

• 2:17Speaker 03

  Well, this was, I believe, literally found on the doorstep here. And it said, "To Conan O'Brien and Matt Gourley."

• 2:24Conan O'Brien?

  Huh, that's nice.

• 2:26Speaker 03

  And it says, "Conan and Matt, great news. By unanimous vote, the Dilfs of Larchmont are proud to grant you honorary membership. We are a highly selective unit of local dads who live up to our slogan, 'Protect and Provide.' As elite members, you now have the right and responsibility to wear the hat, lean into dad jokes, and grill things in a robe. We know you'll make us proud. With honor, Dan Lerman, founder, Dilfs of Larchmont."

• 2:53Conan O'Brien?

  So, I don't understand. Larchmont, let me explain to the listener or viewer, if you're consuming us that way.

• 3:00Speaker 03

  My hat is covered in cobwebs.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Oh, God, it has a long hair on it.

• 3:10Speaker 03

  Oh, let's get it off. Someone was murdered in this hat.

• 3:14Conan O'Brien?

  Well, wait a minute. So, I should explain. Larchmont refers to the area. We're on Larchmont Boulevard, Larchmont Village, here in Los Angeles.

• 3:22Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 3:23Conan O'Brien?

  And this is where we have our little building. And so, I guess this person knows that this is where we do our work.

• 3:29Speaker 04

  Do people just know that?

• 3:31Speaker 03

  I didn't know people knew that.

• 3:32Speaker 04

  I mean, isn't that weird?

• 3:34Conan O'Brien?

  Well, they sure know it now.

• 3:37Conan O'Brien?

  Mine has a number on the inside. Does yours too? Mine says 21.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  Oh, mine says 20.

• 3:43Speaker 04

  Hey, guys, real cool.

• 3:44Speaker 03

  In on the ground floor. Signed and numbered.

• 3:47Conan O'Brien?

  Dilf stands for...

• 3:49Speaker 03

  What?

• 3:49Speaker 04

  Dad I'd like to fuck.

• 3:50Speaker 03

  Let them guess.

• 3:52Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, what?

• 3:52Speaker 03

  Well, it's all right. You probably know.

• 3:54Speaker 04

  Well, you know. You know what a MILF is.

• 3:56Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:56Speaker 04

  And Dilf is a dad I'd like to fuck.

• 3:59Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I didn't know that. I haven't heard the term.

• 4:01Speaker 04

  A mom is a mom I'd like to fuck, and a dad is a dad I'd like to fuck.

• 4:04Conan O'Brien?

  Does anyone want to fuck a dad?

• 4:07Speaker 03

  Hopefully mom.

• 4:10Speaker 04

  Well, like, so, you know, I mean, a MILF is a hot mom.

• 4:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:13Speaker 04

  A DILF is a hot dad.

• 4:14Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, so, um.

• 4:16Speaker 04

  That's a compliment.

• 4:17Conan O'Brien?

  That's nice.

• 4:18Speaker 04

  You guys are two hot dads, man.

• 4:20Conan O'Brien?

  But wait a minute, didn't this come not from a woman, it came from, who is this, a dad?

• 4:23Speaker 03

  A society of DILFs here in Larchmont called the DILFs of Larchmont.

• 4:28Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, okay.

• 4:29Speaker 04

  So guys think you guys are fuckable.

• 4:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. This dad.

• 4:33Speaker 03

  Dads who people like to fuck think we're dads that they'd like to fuck.

• 4:37Speaker 04

  They wanna fuck.

• 4:38Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, what?

• 4:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:39Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 4:40Speaker 03

  You guys are DILF Ilfs. You're, uh, dads I like to fuck, I like to fuck. Yeah, we're DILFs.

• 4:47Conan O'Brien?

  DIL?

• 4:48Speaker 03

  Dads, dads like to fuck. No, because these are DILFs who wanna fuck you guys. Yeah, DILFs.

• 4:54Speaker 04

  You know what, I think they're calling and they wanna rescind it right now.

• 4:57Conan O'Brien?

  I think we're, you know, we are, I think it's like incredibly obvious that people wanna fuck us, that other dads, so it's, we are DILF Ilfs, duh.

• 5:07Speaker 03

  Wow, can we fit that on the hat?

• 5:12Conan O'Brien?

  Don't you think? I'm a DILF Ilf, duh. Right?

• 5:17Speaker 04

  Oh my god, eh.

• 5:18Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, cuz obvi- yeah. Conan O'Brien? And you're like a DILF Ilf, duh.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  What's that supposed to mean?

• 5:28Conan O'Brien?

  They're sort of trailing off, they're getting a look at your shirt, they're wondering.

• 5:33Speaker 03

  My shirt?

• 5:34Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I don't know, I don't wanna buy ice cream from you in the twenties.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  I don't wanna be in prison pajamas.

• 5:40Conan O'Brien?

  These aren't prison pajamas.

• 5:41Speaker 03

  Those are prison pajamas.

• 5:42Conan O'Brien?

  These are not, this is a very nice, beautiful, blue shirt.

• 5:44Speaker 04

  DILF Fight, DILF Fight, DILF Fight, DILF Fight. Yeah.

• 5:48Conan O'Brien?

  DILF Fight.

• 5:49Speaker 04

  Fuck each other up.

• 5:50Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, let's make that movie DILF Fight.

• 5:52Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 5:53Conan O'Brien?

  Things get real.

• 5:55Speaker 03

  Oh my god, that's good.

• 5:56Conan O'Brien?

  DILF Fight. You know what I mean, it's sort of like Fight Club, but it's just two guys with like grilling spatulas.

• 6:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, grilling spatulas and like a TV remote.

• 6:03Speaker 04

  And a baby, and a baby Bjorn, uh, whatever, Bjorn.

• 6:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I like it, let's get that. DILF Fight.

• 6:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:09Conan O'Brien?

  DILF Fight.

• 6:10Speaker 03

  And instead of like at the vacant lot at midnight, it's, it's at the like Trader Joe's at high noon, or something like that.

• 6:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and first they have to make sure, they still got those cedar chips?

• 6:22Conan O'Brien?

  The peach ones, the peach flavored ones. Yeah, they still got them. All right, let's do the fight. Let's get the chips first.

• 6:28Speaker 03

  Hold on, hold on, hold on. You still got that pumpkin cider that comes out every September? Okay, all right, I'm ready.

• 6:33Conan O'Brien?

  We'll be in, we'll be in in a few minutes, but first we're gonna have it out.

• 6:36Speaker 03

  Hey, why are we gonna fight? Let's just, let's just have a beer, a cider, come on.

• 6:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, talk about smoking meat.

• 6:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, can I lose this gruff voice and just talk how I normally talk?

• 6:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not who you are.

• 6:46Conan O'Brien?

  I like it. This movie sells itself to absolutely no one.

• 6:49Speaker 04

  Well, congrats on being admitted into the DILFs of Larchmont.

• 6:53Conan O'Brien?

  This is clearly an elite society that hands out hats in a bucket that are covered in cobwebs and stray hairs.

• 6:58Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 6:59Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you. DILFs.

• 7:01Speaker 03

  DILFs of Larchmont.

• 7:02Conan O'Brien?

  Of Larchmont. We appreciate the sentiment.

• 7:05Speaker 03

  I expect to see us represented in these little silhouettes here, though.

• 7:08Conan O'Brien?

  But there are little silhouettes, too.

• 7:09Speaker 03

  There should be one really tall one.

• 7:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:11Conan O'Brien?

  I'll draw little longer legs on mine.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  Wait, that'll look like the other guys are hovering.

• 7:16Conan O'Brien?

  Anyway, let's get going. My guest today is an Emmy Award-winning actor and comedian who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live and wrote and starred in the hit HBO series Barry. Come on, for God's sake.

• 7:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:35Conan O'Brien?

  He's the man. Please welcome Bill Hader.

• 7:40Conan O'Brien?

  You just were telling me, just before the, we started rolling. Is it rolling, recording?

• 7:45Speaker 02

  Rolling, rolling.

• 7:46Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know the lingo. I'm new in the business. You said that you heard, someone walked up to you, what, on the street?

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, and so why are you and Conan, you guys, you're on his podcast, all you guys do is just laugh and giggle. But there's no talking. It's like one guy talks and the other guy's laughing over that guy.

• 8:11Speaker 02

  And I just wish there was more of a discourse.

• 8:17Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I just wanna, I just wanna fuck with that guy now. We should just howl the whole time and say nothing.

• 8:25Speaker 02

  It's like, uh, this is so hard to, to, to figure that.

• 8:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, the, can he get his septum fixed?

• 8:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:34Conan O'Brien?

  That's what I would say to him, first of all.

• 8:35Speaker 02

  I'm worried about it.

• 8:37Conan O'Brien?

  Septum Sam. Yeah, he, I, I was the guy.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  Uh, many women, uh, very interested in me.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  I have a long line of suitors.

• 8:54Conan O'Brien?

  But those are always the people that would come up to you that would have an issue. In New York especially, you would come up and go, I didn't really like the show. Like, no one comes up like, I couldn't believe the show was so bad.

• 9:08Conan O'Brien?

  It was always like, when I first started SNL, there was always guys walking up and going, they should use you more.

• 9:13Speaker 03

  Looks nice.

• 9:14Conan O'Brien?

  Well, it was nice, which was very sweet. That's a nice thing.

• 9:16Speaker 02

  And I go, Lorne, these guys said I should use you more. And you went, who? Who are they?

• 9:23Speaker 02

  Show me what. Wait, wait, where are they? Oh, God.

• 9:28Speaker 02

  Shit.

• 9:32Conan O'Brien?

  Those, I was just remembering, uh, we were, and this is all gonna be random thoughts that come into my head, cause that's what happens when I talk to you, but when I worked at SNL, all those years ago, Leslie Nielsen was the guest, and he famously had this, he had this thing made that would make a farting noise, and he, he went to like a craftsman. I mean, you could, this thing was not something he bought in a novelty shop. Leslie Nielsen, this was his sense of humor, he want, this thing was beautifully made. It was made of, you know, some sort of teak, some sort of polished wood, and it had brass fittings and everything, and he would make these farting noises, and I remembered, uh, you'd be talking to him like, okay, so anyway, Leslie, the idea of this bit.

• 10:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:08Conan O'Brien?

  And he'd be doing it, and you'd be like, oh, okay, but then he kept doing it to Lorne. And you realize it would, nothing. You know, because of the 50th anniversary, there's all these documentaries now, Lorne and Lorne, and Lorne always keeps his dignity in any situation. And I'll never forget, Leslie Nielsen, Lorne would be like, so I think we're gonna do.

• 10:30Conan O'Brien?

  And Leslie Nielsen would always do kind of a take, like, to the side, like, who was that?

• 10:35Conan O'Brien?

  An innocent, his innocent Leslie Nielsen face take, and you could see that big chunks of Lorne's organs were dying. Just die, like, the fellow.

• 10:44Speaker 02

  Fellow Canadians.

• 10:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fellow Canadians, he's having, he's hosting the show.

• 10:49Speaker 02

  I'm doing such a solid.

• 10:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 10:54Speaker 02

  Comes in with this device.

• 10:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, he comes in with this device. And it's just Lauren's least favorite kind of comedy. And I was, I just was fascinated and there was nothing Lauren could do.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  I was a P A on this, I've talked about it a couple of times, the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Collateral Damage, and Bill Hardy, actually was his name, and, and Jason Altiere, they had a fart machine that they're missing, and they put it on the boom guy, Earl Sampson, they put it on his belt without him knowing it.

• 11:25Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  So he was in an elevator with Schwarzenegger and

• 11:34Speaker 02

  this Francesca Neri was the actress, and they're having this really intense scene like, we got to get out of here and it was very.

• 11:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  And they somehow could do it where it wasn't just like, it was like.

• 11:45Conan O'Brien?

  Realistic.

• 11:50Speaker 02

  And so we were all kind of like at the monitor listening, so it's him going.

• 11:55Speaker 05

  How could you, the thing.

• 12:00Speaker 05

  If we can get the antidote, everybody will know that you are going to be all right.

• 12:07Speaker 02

  And we were like, I can't hear it, can you hear it? Or, and whatever. And then we knew it was working because then the clapper came in and the guy was laughing, it was shaking, he was like, take me, take me. And it came out, we were like, oh, good. And yeah, this Earl Sampson, the boom guy was like, where is that coming from? And it was on his belt.

• 12:24Speaker 05

  I just need to do, get, get out of here.

• 12:30Conan O'Brien?

  Does Arnold ever call it out and say what's happening?

• 12:32Speaker 02

  No, I think, I think after, I think somebody came in and was like, get that off, like took it off his belt and like came over and like.

• 12:40Conan O'Brien?

  We're making a movie.

• 12:41Speaker 02

  And we all, and we all acted like stupid, like, what? Wait, what happened? Who did that?

• 12:48Speaker 02

  That was 25 years ago, sorry. Jason, Bill, I just outed you guys, but yeah, we were all like, wait, what's going on?

• 12:58Speaker 02

  But it was so perfect. It was too big a fart, it wouldn't have worked.

• 13:02Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  It had to be little, subtle.

• 13:04Conan O'Brien?

  If it had been the Leslie Nielsen type variety, that's too much.

• 13:08Speaker 02

  Lauren would have liked this. He would have been like, "It's not wit."

• 13:19Conan O'Brien?

  He would get...

• 13:20Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 13:21Conan O'Brien?

  I know Lauren would get frustrated when you, because you, Mulaney, you guys would have these obsessions

• 13:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:27Conan O'Brien?

  about very small things in show business.

• 13:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:31Conan O'Brien?

  That he, Lauren loves a big, he likes a home run hitter.

• 13:37Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:37Conan O'Brien?

  He likes someone who's gonna go out there. He likes, you know, "Give me your church lady." "Give me the character that everyone just can't wait to see." Softball down the middle. And I know that you guys loved coming up with stuff that would kind of, you know, like, I mean, the one I'm thinking of is you were doing a Judd Hirsch impression on the show.

• 14:00Speaker 02

  When I came back to host, Steve Higgins saying, "Out of the gate." "Say, hey, Stevie," he goes, "All right, none of that sandwich in a briefcase shit that you and Mulaney like so much."

• 14:08Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  Sandwich in a briefcase is a perfect description

• 14:18Speaker 02

  of the weird... Sandwich in a briefcase made me laugh. Because that's so accurate, where it'd be like, and I remember, yeah, we had a sandwich in a briefcase in a sketch and it got cut and I told Mulaney, he wasn't there.

• 14:32Conan O'Brien?

  Can I just share the concept real fast?

• 14:33Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, sure, sure. Oh, oh, sorry, sorry. Yeah, the concept of those sketches, we'll edit here, everybody. Okay, and three, two, and, um, one and two and it. It was called, uh, Kanish in Color. And it was a...

• 14:50Conan O'Brien?

  I remember this.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  It was a, uh, it was a cop show, a 70s cop show called Kanish.

• 14:58Speaker 02

  And the host was Kanish. And then we basically kinda just did that thing where we ripped off from Police Squad, where everybody, but it wasn't a thing where we all froze and we pretended to be frozen and someone came in. The joke was that they would freeze too early. Yep. You know, so it'd be like, "I gotta tell you," and Judd Hirsch was the captain. The man, and I'd enter scenes and I'd go, "Greetings and salutations, Kanish."

• 15:29Speaker 02

  "You were right, Kanish. Mayor Giuliano was setting all those fires."

• 15:37Speaker 02

  And you would walk in and it was like, "I gotta tell you, Kanish, no..." You know, it would like, it would freeze too early. Yes, yes. It was a thing that John and I and Fred would get on it too, where we, the ideas that we would try, that Lauren would just be like, "No," like, super archa-, like, we wanted to do one thing about Time Life. It was a guy, me and Fred, recording Time Life.

• 16:05Speaker 02

  It was like a Time Life commercial. It was like, "Time Life commercial thing," and it was like, "Jimmy Hendrix. Jimmy Hendrix. The Star Spangled Banner." And then you slowly realize it's Woodstock. Yeah, and it was like, "John Lennon. John Lennon. John Lennon."

• 16:29Speaker 02

  And we were laughing so hard, and it played like this. Everybody was like, "Why is that?" Why is this happening? Why is this happening? And we were like, could not get through it. We were laughing so hard. And I just remember, it was one of those things, if you had seen it at SNL, everybody has their stacks of scripts and they're kinda reading along, and if something sucks, you'll just see someone in the middle of a sketch just go and just drop it on the floor. Drop it, yes, yes.

• 16:53Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 16:53Speaker 02

  I saw that many times too. And you had just, everybody was just dropping it, looking at the next sketch, like, "There's no way we're doing this."

• 16:59Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  And so when you see that, you just like, take it slower. You're like, "John Lennon." And looking at everybody.

• 17:09Conan O'Brien?

  Twist the knife. But you know, I, maybe you can relate to this, but when I was a kid watching television, I loved it when the people making the comedy, even if I didn't know what they were talking about, if I could sense that they were smart, that they didn't care if I laughed or not, like Monty Python.

• 17:28Speaker 02

  Monty Python was a big one, yeah.

• 17:30Conan O'Brien?

  Monty Python, I didn't understand half of what they were talking about, because sometimes they would do sketches about whatever was happening in, in London politics, or British politics in 1969, 1970, but there'd be other sketches that I didn't quite understand. But I could tell the rhythm of it, I could tell this was really smart, was really funny. And I could also tell that they, they weren't yearning for my laughter.

• 17:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, they were just making themselves laugh.

• 17:53Conan O'Brien?

  They were making themselves laugh.

• 17:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, SCTV was like that, too.

• 17:55Conan O'Brien?

  Well, SCTV would do jokes, there was a Towering Inferno parody they did, where there's a big fire and it was a, and all the characters, and because of, there were so many different characters.

• 18:08Speaker 02

  I remember.

• 18:09Conan O'Brien?

  Remember this?

• 18:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:11Conan O'Brien?

  The, Andrea Martin.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:14Conan O'Brien?

  Played Edith Prickly, but she also played another character. So there was one scene, Andrea Martin was playing the other character in the scene, there's like nine characters in the room, and they just had Edith Prickly, who always wore like a leopard skin pillbox hat, they clearly just put that on a, an act, you know, another actress. And another actor, and had that actor turn their back, and so that they could do the sketch. And then at the end of the sketch, I think it was John Candy says, "All right, let's get moving, so and so, so and so, so and so, Prickly's double, you come with me." And I'm like, I'm, I don't know how old I was at the time, I might have been 14.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  You're like, "You're allowed to do that?"

• 18:48Conan O'Brien?

  I, I couldn't, I literally felt like a laser beam of truth hit me in the middle of my forehead, and I thought, "I can't believe that just came through my television." They didn't care if I noticed that joke or not, they said it so quickly.

• 19:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, John Candy also did that guy, it was like, it was fishing with bands, like where he would have, uh, new wave bands, and he would fish with them.

• 19:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 19:10Speaker 02

  And then there was this throwaway thing where they would get the fish, and they'd be cooking it, and they would offer it to him, and he would go, "Oh, I don't eat fish."

• 19:25Conan O'Brien?

  When it comes to insurance, Farmers doesn't like surprises. That's why there's Farmers coverage on a page. What is it you ask? Did you ask? I don't think you did, but let's pretend you did.

• 19:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, okay, let's...

• 19:36Conan O'Brien?

  It's your coverage on a page, pretty straightforward.

• 19:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:40Conan O'Brien?

  That's good, because sometimes it gets confusing, you know? What am I covered for, what am I not? Here, it's all on a page. Does your insurance do that? Get a quote to get started at Farmers.com. Don't be confused, don't wonder. Farmers makes it pretty clear. Underwritten by Farmers Truck or Fire Insurance Exchanges or Affiliate. Products not available in every state.

• 20:02Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids, or do you shop for Tac?

• 20:06Speaker 04

  My kids.

• 20:07Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you gotta get them your stuff.

• 20:08Speaker 04

  Or Oki, or my dog.

• 20:09Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year, you feel that, you smell that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 20:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:19Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys? A little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays? I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season, shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at Amazon.com/holiday.

• 20:54Speaker 05

  Hey, it's me, Teddy Swims. You hear that? That's life. So go grab it. Grab your old friends, grab new friends, grab a White Claw. Grab flavor for everyone in your group. Grab music, laughter, and moments you'll never forget. You'll never regret it.

• 21:13Speaker 06

  Oh, hey, man.

• 21:14Speaker 05

  Grab new friends, grab old friends, grab life by the glow. White Claw.

• 21:19Speaker 06

  Please drink responsibly. White Claw Celta Works, Chicago, Illinois.

• 21:28Conan O'Brien?

  I know that, I've heard anyway, I don't know if it's true, that you, Mulaney and Armisen had a text exchange going for a while.

• 21:36Speaker 02

  We still do.

• 21:36Conan O'Brien?

  Where you're the Van Halen brothers?

• 21:38Speaker 02

  Oh, well, no, that was, that was during the pandemic, but it wasn't that, so we've had, basically since the, the, March 2020 until now, we have a text chain that, and we, I mean, we basically communicate every day on it. I mean, our girlfriends and wives, you know, are you texting with John and, you know, and Kimmel sometimes and other people, but I find the Van Halen brothers funny. I've always found them very funny. They're so talented and such great musicians, but they're very touchy and they would air out their grievances to anybody.

• 22:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:12Speaker 02

  And I always find that funny. And there was an interview with them when, when David

• 22:17Conan O'Brien?

  They're always mad at David Lee Roth.

• 22:18Speaker 02

  They're always mad at David Lee Roth. And it was when they reunited at the MTV Movie or Music Awards. And it was just funny how it was like, and then, you know, so Dave just goes up there and, you know, it was like Eddie Van Halen's like, you know, Dave just goes up there, he's popping and booping, doing his Dave thing. He's very disrespectful to Beck. And then you hear Alex Van Halen going, yeah, very disrespectful.

• 22:39Speaker 02

  Very disrespectful to Beck. And I sent it to Mulaney and Fred. And Mulaney said, could you imagine getting rear-ended by these guys?

• 22:49Speaker 02

  And then it just started us getting rear-ended, the conversation, and then them holding a press conference. And I remember Fred had the joke, he just put in parentheses, no one is asking anything. No reporter's asking a question. And then it was Eddie Van Halen going, all right, one at a time, one at a time, one at a time.

• 23:13Conan O'Brien?

  Are they still mad at, at David Lee Roth, even though he wasn't involved in the accident?

• 23:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:19Conan O'Brien?

  Probably.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  I just find, yeah, David Lee Roth is hilarious too. Like, there's, there's a story, someone told me, my friend Paul, who's in the band The OC, told me this story. I don't know if it's true or not, but apparently Henry Rollins was going into, like, a morning Zoo Crew interview, and David Lee Roth was coming out, you know? So it's like six in the morning, and David Lee Roth got this long, beautiful coat on. And Henry Rollins is like, "Hey, man, I just want to say I'm a big fan and everything." And David Lee Roth goes, "Oh, man, you want a drink?" And he opened up the, and he just was lined with beer. The thing, just all these beers.

• 23:53Conan O'Brien?

  That sounds true.

• 23:53Speaker 02

  And, and it does.

• 23:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 23:56Speaker 02

  And Henry Rollins is like the most straight-edged guy around. He goes, "No, man, I, no, I don't want to drink." And David Lee Roth went, "What's the matter, man? You got school tomorrow?"

• 24:12Speaker 02

  I hope that's true.

• 24:13Conan O'Brien?

  I hope that's true. It has to be true.

• 24:15Speaker 02

  "You got school tomorrow?"

• 24:21Speaker 02

  I was like, "I love this guy."

• 24:22Conan O'Brien?

  I love it when people, I always love it. Literally not progressed since when he was in high school. I love it when people are, I love it when people are who you want them to be.

• 24:31Speaker 02

  At all times.

• 24:32Conan O'Brien?

  That always made me really happy when I would meet celebrities or famous people, and they were exactly, exactly who I wanted them to be.

• 24:40Speaker 02

  When I worked at South Park, he pitched a movie that's where it was, it was like, like, where he was an assassin and stuff. And he was like, "A guy tried to get his dog back."

• 24:51Speaker 02

  And we were like, "Oh," and we had to say, "Oh, they made this movie, John Wick, that's kind of similar." "Nah, the guy has a dog?" I go, "Yeah, I know, he has a dog."

• 24:59Conan O'Brien?

  Famously, famously.

• 25:02Speaker 02

  What do you mean, "He's got a dog"?

• 25:04Conan O'Brien?

  And then he makes no one see those movies.

• 25:06Speaker 02

  And Trey Parker pitched, he goes, "Well, what if you, you're you, and it's like, you're having to go on these missions, but you gotta like have the band, you know, the band's also going, 'Hey, Dave, we need you on tour,' and stuff like that." He goes, "Nah, I don't want these, those guys involved with this."

• 25:25Speaker 02

  Then he came by, I remember, he walked around South Park and, you know, people, they, they draw on their desk and they can like move around and so they draw like this. So it's like, the drawing desk is like canted, you know? And there was a guy drawing and he just walked around and he went up to this guy who was drawing like that, he goes, and he goes, and he just sees him with this desk, he goes, hey, what's wrong with you? Long night?

• 25:49Speaker 03

  Everything's in a party context.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, and he goes, hey, long night? And he went, and the guy went, whoa, Diamond Dave. I'm not kidding.

• 25:58Speaker 02

  Don't you think that's his life? Yeah. People coming out of Mantle? It is me, then, hey, it is me, Diamond Dave.

• 26:06Speaker 03

  We were at the South Pasadena Fourth of July Parade and he was just unaffiliated with the parade, riding around on a bicycle throughout the like parade grounds.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, he was not invited to the parade.

• 26:16Speaker 03

  Not, it was nothing to do with the parade.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  That's my favorite. I want to be him. And he was nice, I just want to make it clear, like, we loved him at, at South Park, it wasn't like a thing where we were like, oh, why is this guy here? We were like, totally in awe, we were like, oh my god, that's fucking David Lee Roth. And he did not disappoint at all and he was so sweet and nice, but, yeah, it was awesome.

• 26:35Conan O'Brien?

  You're one of those people, you fall into this class of person, there's a bunch of them, who I rarely have a normal conversation with. Because it goes into riffs and voices right away.

• 26:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:46Conan O'Brien?

  There's a whole bunch of people, I think Will Ferrell's in that group, where I, I feel that if we were on a strin, if we were on a deserted island. Yeah. Stranded, we wouldn't even go searching for food or water.

• 26:57Speaker 02

  Well, the bits would just drive everybody crazy. Yeah, and then, it's funny though, we'll have those conversations and then it's usually when we're paying the check that I'm like, hey, I'm really depressed.

• 27:12Speaker 02

  I'm going through something and you're like, oh man, I'm searching or whatever. No, no, it's, it's true, and then I feel like I...

• 27:21Speaker 02

  I'm like, yeah, we'll get to that. You know who's also depressed?

• 27:30Speaker 02

  This guy.

• 27:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 27:33Speaker 02

  You're like, man, you're depressed.

• 27:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 27:35Speaker 02

  No, don't go do Columbo right now.

• 27:37Conan O'Brien?

  We, uh, cause before the podcast, I went in and I was chatting with you and I went in and the first thing I was gonna do was ask you, cause I know you live in the Palisades and I was gonna ask you about, you know, your house and your family and everything. Before I could do it, we got off onto something and then we're just laughing our asses off like idiots. And then, just as we're about to come to the podcast, you went, "Yeah, I know, uh, no, we, uh, we are, I think you said like two of our houses burned or something."

• 28:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:07Conan O'Brien?

  And I, it was something really, and I thought, shit.

• 28:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:11Conan O'Brien?

  I was supposed to start with that.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  No, that's our, that's our whole, that's been our whole friendship.

• 28:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:17Speaker 02

  It's joy and fun and goofing around. And then it's like, oh yeah, I'm here to tell you like, "Should I go on medication, Conan?"

• 28:25Conan O'Brien?

  Not if it makes you less funny.

• 28:27Speaker 02

  No!

• 28:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  No! Absolutely not. Get those endorphins running with voices.

• 28:38Speaker 04

  You should not ask Conan if you should be on medication.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  No, no, I'm on so much medication. No, uh, no, but it is true. Yeah, we lost, uh, so my kids, my ex-wife and I live very close to each other and, uh, she lost her house. And then, uh, my house is standing, but like unlivable. It's like, there's just devastation.

• 29:00Conan O'Brien?

  All around.

• 29:01Speaker 02

  All around. And, and then the only way I could get up there, so fires are on Tuesday, I wasn't there because I was shooting the VW commercial as the Cal, as the Californians. And we were just, and we were shooting that commercial and someone dressed as the guy from the Californians in Malibu. And we look up and there's smoke. And it was me and Kristen Wigg in a scene. And Kristen, too, that morning went, "There's a really bad windstorm coming. I'm really concerned about fires." First thing she said to me. And then I were shooting and I look up, I saw smoke and the guys go, oh, don't worry, that's in the Palisades. I go, I live in the Palisades. And it was just dead silence.

• 29:44Speaker 02

  And then I was like, I gotta go. And so I never got a chance to go home. And so I went, I just, I just went up and I go, here, I have, you know, medication, which is true, you know, uh, up there and I need to go and get it. And they said, no, it's too dangerous. And I saw news crews and I literally just went up to them and I was like, you recognize me? And they were like, no. And I was like, all right. I go to the next one. I was like, you recognize me? And the guy's like, hey, no way. Hey, what's going on?

• 30:10Conan O'Brien?

  Diamond Dave.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  Diamond Dave. And I was like, that's right. Hey, man, I gotta get my, I gotta get my stuff.

• 30:16Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sure her, she can be whoever you wanna be.

• 30:19Speaker 02

  Hey, uh, you seen Ordinary People? Um.

• 30:26Speaker 02

  Uh, how about Taxi?

• 30:27Conan O'Brien?

  Uh.

• 30:29Speaker 02

  Shit.

• 30:30Conan O'Brien?

  So they let you up?

• 30:31Speaker 02

  They let me up. I went up with them. So I went up with a news crew and I go, do you guys want to interview me? I saw that. I saw you interview. So that was the only way I could get up there was if I went up with the news crew. And so I went up, went into my house and I was like, oh, wow, it's not too bad. And then I just stepped and it was like dust, you know, toxic.

• 30:50Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 30:50Speaker 02

  Stuff everywhere. And then the back, when it's, yeah, it was no good. And, uh, and I was just in total shock.

• 30:58Conan O'Brien?

  Sona lost her place in Altadena.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  I'm sorry.

• 31:01Conan O'Brien?

  And, um, it is something that, uh, must still feel crazily surreal.

• 31:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, it does. Yeah.

• 31:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:09Speaker 04

  It's crazy. It is. It's just, you know, you, you, you wanna keep things in perspective and say everyone's okay, but you, you miss the stuff that you lost. The community's gone.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, the community's gone. That was the hardest thing.

• 31:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 31:21Speaker 02

  Was actually seeing like, oh my gosh, this is my kids.

• 31:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 31:26Speaker 02

  Because everything is, is, you know, gone and, and that, that was the thing that kind of hit me so hard was, oh my God, my, you know, uh, so, so that was, uh, horrible and it was just kind of, uh, I didn't, I thought I was gonna go up there and hopefully the house would be somewhat okay and I could get my passport and get out of there or something. And instead of just seeing the devastation in that community and everything, just, I was like, speechless. So then I, they, you know, I, I could feel those guys going, oh, we're gonna get a good interview with you. And they see that I was, it was hitting me and then they felt bad and they went, we'll, we'll just turn off the camera and let's just take you back. And I was like, all right, thanks. You didn't do one? I did do one. They aired it. Oh.

• 32:10Speaker 02

  Bastards. No, I'm joking. Like you cry, cry, cry.

• 32:17Conan O'Brien?

  You did nine characters.

• 32:19Speaker 02

  I did nine characters. It was like, oh God. I can't believe it's gone.

• 32:29Conan O'Brien?

  You guys like that?

• 32:30Speaker 02

  How about that? Love me, love me. It never ends. Nothing will make it die. My need for a laugh. No, um, but yeah, it was just, it was crazy. I had this moment, well, the moment that hit me was I grabbed, I had this instinct that I'd just grab my keys. And I put it in my pocket and I went, this, these, the car keys, the key, these open nothing. And I just like put them away. I was like, yeah, that was, those were those moments, but yeah. And everybody who's dealing with it, I mean, it's horrible. The amount of GoFundMes have been on and stuff like that. It's just been rough.

• 33:04Conan O'Brien?

  It's one of those strange things occurred to me where the news is always showing us every part of the world where something crazy is happening. And you sort of become, you know, you're distanced from it, but you're just seeing these terrible things happen in other places. And then something on sort of, uh, with that kind of intensity happened.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:23Conan O'Brien?

  And you think, wait a minute.

• 33:25Speaker 02

  Well, the thing that's amazing with me is I'm looking at my, my kids and they've been through a pandemic and then they've been through this. And they're my, and then my daughter, I was like, well, I found a rental house. And she went, oh, can I see it? And like, oh, oh. And then she made in her computer, she made this like overview, overhead view of her room. And she's like, oh, cool. So maybe I could put a dresser here, but and she was so positive.

• 33:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  And I went, oh, they're so resilient. And they have their moments, you know, but it's, it's the opposite. Everybody's like, oh, you there for your kids? I'm like, no, I'm getting more from them, you know? I'm like so inspired by them. And their ability to kind of move and adapt and be positive.

• 34:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:09Conan O'Brien?

  Also, I feel like especially really young kids, your kids are three and a half.

• 34:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:14Conan O'Brien?

  Mikey and Charlie, they only know now, like they're so present.

• 34:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:18Conan O'Brien?

  That we've talked about how you have no choice but to be present with them.

• 34:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:24Conan O'Brien?

  They're moving on.

• 34:24Speaker 04

  They they've moved on already. I don't even know if they fully, I mean, I know they remember the house, but they, it's starting to be muddled in with like, oh, we went to the mountains once. So that's like maybe the mountain house that we went to. Like they're just, they're losing their memory of it.

• 34:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  And you're like, I don't remember my house at three and a half. So.

• 34:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:44Speaker 04

  It makes sense that they just kind of.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 34:47Speaker 04

  Are moving on.

• 34:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, mine are 15, 12 and 10. So it's like they were, you know, it was tough. And I mean, that was the most heartbreaking thing is my 10 year old just saying, I just want to go home. And you're like, honey, we can't, I can't go home. And that was brutal. But now it's, it's, yeah, I get inspiration from them. And yeah, just being very lucky that you have a great support system of friends. Alyssa Donovan, who works with me, my girlfriend, Ally Wong, like all these people have just been great. So, yeah, it is, but yeah, it is a funny thing that Ally and I went today to just like literally had to like shop for clothes.

• 35:26Speaker 04

  I know. I know.

• 35:29Speaker 02

  And it was very sweet, you know? And she was like, let's go get you some jeans.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  It's like you're going to camp. I know it was, but it was very sweet. It was, it meant a lot to me that she was like, no, it's because I was, I'm just wearing like Uniqlo sweats, you know, that I basically, you know. And my kids are like, you, you just, you're living in your pajamas, you know? I feel like they're very worried and I told her about that and she was like, well, let me take you to get some clothes. And I was, so that was, so those are the moments.

• 35:58Conan O'Brien?

  They're just weird. I don't have, I'm obviously don't have, we're displaced from our home. We can't get back in and there's been a lot of smoke damage, but my situation was just, I have a lot of clothes in the back of my car. And so I'm in a hotel and I'm here at the recording studio and moving around and I'm in different places. And so I try to do regular workouts. I think it's clear. Sure. And.

• 36:20Speaker 02

  I was saying, you look good.

• 36:21Speaker 04

  Yeah. Real nice.

• 36:23Conan O'Brien?

  Say it again as Vincent Price.

• 36:26Speaker 02

  You look very nice.

• 36:29Conan O'Brien?

  So.

• 36:29Speaker 02

  Oh, faddle.

• 36:33Speaker 02

  That's Dana Gold's, Dana Gold's word.

• 36:36Conan O'Brien?

  Faddle.

• 36:37Speaker 02

  We were watching The Last Man on Earth and there's a point when Vincent Price gets angry and he throws something and he went, "Faddle."

• 36:46Speaker 02

  Fell over laughing. And then so, okay, what, okay, so you're hot.

• 36:50Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, I was doing.

• 36:54Speaker 02

  How have you made this about you?

• 36:56Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, I had to, I had to, I was supposed to do a workout on Zoom and I realized that I had no sneakers. And so I looked down and I was wearing shoes. Yeah.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  I had two people at an Altadena.

• 37:10Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I think, now listen.

• 37:12Speaker 04

  Oh, you didn't have your sneakers?

• 37:14Speaker 02

  Shelter being like, just around like, he didn't have his sneakers.

• 37:20Conan O'Brien?

  Gee, what do we not have?

• 37:22Speaker 02

  Everything.

• 37:23Conan O'Brien?

  Here's what I want to say. Now, I had sneakers that were perfectly good for working out, but for the kind of workout I was going to do, I like ones that have, well, Brooks makes ones that have, if it's going to be more aerobic, it has more of an insole.

• 37:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:42Conan O'Brien?

  And, well, they, they're costly, but that's the ones that I wanted. And they were, of course, back at the house, which is fine, but I don't have access to.

• 37:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:50Conan O'Brien?

  Why isn't this seen as a tragedy?

• 37:53Speaker 02

  We don't have spoons.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  We have nothing.

• 38:00Conan O'Brien?

  Let me tell you another one I got. There's this kind of sea salt.

• 38:03Speaker 02

  Guys, you guys know what dips are, right? Well, I can do 20 dips. Well, I could do five on my own 15 with my trainer holding my legs.

• 38:16Conan O'Brien?

  A trainer, one trainer holding each leg.

• 38:18Speaker 02

  One trainer holding each leg and another one lifting me up by my, like a child. By my shoulders.

• 38:26Conan O'Brien?

  Let me try again. Guys, I don't have access to my home and there's this kind of sea salt. That I have in my home.

• 38:32Speaker 04

  It's there, the house is there.

• 38:34Conan O'Brien?

  It's, it's pink. It's a pink sea salt. I can't put sea salt on the chocolate anymore. No, no, and so you don't get the salty and the sweet. You get just the sweet. Then I go down to Kelsey's and it's not there. No.

• 38:50Conan O'Brien?

  Then I go to Erawan, but of course, there's a line. I think my stories rank with yours. And I say, what do you mean you don't have the Hailey Bieber smoothie?

• 39:02Conan O'Brien?

  You ran out of raspberry.

• 39:07Conan O'Brien?

  I struck a, I've always. And lemon curd. My mind always goes to what would make people mad. And me having a GoFundMe. To get my sea.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  The sea salt.

• 39:18Conan O'Brien?

  To get the sea salt that I like. That I don't have access to.

• 39:22Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 39:23Conan O'Brien?

  Would get people so mad.

• 39:24Speaker 02

  I can't believe this. This is an exporcity. What do you mean you don't have those almond pretzel bites?

• 39:33Speaker 02

  They're at $25.

• 39:37Conan O'Brien?

  Per bite.

• 39:38Speaker 02

  Per bite. What do you mean you have no kimchi? Daddy needs his kimchi. Where is the kimchi?

• 39:50Speaker 02

  I don't care if there's no electricity, I need my kimchi.

• 39:55Speaker 04

  No.

• 39:56Conan O'Brien?

  Me as that character going to different people.

• 39:59Speaker 02

  Terrible, facing a much, a really bad situation. I don't know, it makes me happy, but then I realize, oh, it's so awful. It's so awful and I'm sorry. I, I can't, uh, yeah, it is, yeah, it was just, and it's interesting too, running into people who also lost their house. I mean, that's the nice thing too, I'll say, is that so many people went through it, so, you know, with my kids and, and, and everybody, you know, it's like, they're running, they have friends who are going through the same thing, and so they're all bonding. I'm trying to just take it back to reality and trying to forget what Conan just said.

• 40:31Speaker 04

  I know.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  I'm joking, I'm joking.

• 40:33Speaker 04

  The wrong sneakers thing?

• 40:34Speaker 02

  I'm joking.

• 40:35Speaker 04

  After we talked about losing our homes and he didn't have the right snee- you had sneakers, but not the right sneakers.

• 40:41Speaker 02

  The sneakers I had were perfectly good.

• 40:43Speaker 04

  Okay, okay.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  For any workout. When I go back to my house.

• 40:48Speaker 02

  After they fumigated it. And I go into my pretty woman-like closet.

• 40:59Speaker 02

  Now I'm just gonna have to go in there and destroy everything.

• 41:03Speaker 04

  Me too.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  The, uh...

• 41:08Speaker 02

  Is the perfect. I know. Seasault is the perfect thing to GoFundMe. It's... Oh my god, I have a headache. Just a picture of me in a white tuxedo. My house is fine. On a yacht. But I don't have access to my seesaw. During the fires, I took my yacht out to Catalina.

• 41:24Speaker 02

  Do you know what that was like for me? Do you know what that was like for me? The rocking back and forth.

• 41:31Speaker 02

  The people saying, can we get on? We say, no.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  I have to hit them with an oar. Hitting them with an oar. Throw out my back. I hurt my back. I just told my daughter, here's an oar. Poke at them as they try to get on.

• 41:54Conan O'Brien?

  That reminds me of a, this is a crazy memory, takes me back to an SNL sketch of I think there was a terrible disaster. I forget what it was. It's a, I think it might be a Downey sketch. There was a terrible disaster.

• 42:07Speaker 02

  He's the king of.

• 42:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and a Jim Downey sketch. And what happens is all the A-listers are gone, have been wiped out. And so the B-listers have been elevated. It's just a bunch of agents trying to figure out who the new A-listers are. But I remember there was one part where like Charlton Heston is on an over capsized boat and he's hitting people with a horse.

• 42:29Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. My mind.

• 42:31Speaker 02

  I love that. Yeah, Downey was always the guy that would come up with a sketch that you were like, oh, really? We're gonna do this? Yeah, he was always the guy that I would be like, you want me to do this? Really? He's like, yeah, yeah, it'll be great. It'll be great. Everybody will laugh.

• 42:47Speaker 02

  But yeah, you know the sketch I always think of that I wish that so many people have told me about? Dana Carvey told me about everything was Giant Businessman. That was the Jack Handy one about the.

• 42:59Conan O'Brien?

  Jack Handy was, he had the office next to the one where Greg Daniels, Bob Odenkirk and I had a, had a, had an office. And Robert Smigel would come back there all the time. And we, the bunch of us would just work on things together. Handy had the office next to ours. And we, of course, would stay up like three nights in a row. And Jack Handy would come in and he'd put in, it's like he worked at a bank or something. He would put in, you know, eight hours and you'd, he'd type. And you'd think, well, okay, you know, we're staying up three nights in a row. And then he would, his stuff at rehearsal.

• 43:30Speaker 02

  Be like unbelievable.

• 43:32Conan O'Brien?

  Unbelievable. But Giant Businessman, I love.

• 43:35Speaker 02

  Giant Businessman was just Phil Hartman as a giant businessman inside a small, so it was him inside a small like apartment set.

• 43:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  And he's like this. And it's like, you know, Pardo, and now the adventures of Giant Businessman.

• 43:51Speaker 02

  And then it was him and then and next door are people, a band playing like loud. And then he can't concentrate. So then it cuts to him and he's, he's like in the hallway. And he has to like crawl on his knees. He's like huge, barely fit in the hallway. And he taps on the door with his finger. And someone answers the door and he's like, and giant businessman goes, excuse me, can you please turn your music down? And the, no, and if you ask us again, we'll kick your ass. And then it cuts to him back in his apartment. He takes up a tiny telephone and he goes, hello? Witness protection program?

• 44:26Speaker 02

  Says, this has been the adventures of giant businessman. So the fact that he's a giant and the fact that he's a businessman has nothing to do.

• 44:36Conan O'Brien?

  No. And then he could step on these people.

• 44:38Speaker 02

  That he could step on them and that he got scared. And so many people, Al Franken and Downey and Dana and everybody go, I remember him doing it at the table. And they said that was the biggest laugh that they had heard at the table. That just kept going into the next sketch where people are like, wait, what?

• 44:57Speaker 02

  Will Forte was like that. He had that sketch potato chip that people talk about sometimes. And I just, that was like at the table read, it said, the script said potato chip. And then it, Lauren reads the stage direction and Lauren went, open on NASA and we all died.

• 45:19Speaker 02

  It's called potato chip. Open on NASA and we all fell over. Yeah, yeah. I mean, Will Forte, I don't know where, he's like one of those guys, like him and John Solomon, when they get together. It's like, they don't, it's like they don't know where it comes from.

• 45:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 45:34Speaker 02

  You know, it's just very genuine and.

• 45:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yeah.

• 45:36Speaker 02

  And he doesn't, when you would write with him, I would be laughing hard and he kind of wouldn't be laughing. He would kind of look at you like, yeah, so, and then he would say the funniest shit I've ever heard, but it didn't. Yeah. He's like, no, no, no, these are jokes and we'll put them together, you know, but I always admired that, you know? Cause he never would try to put on or anything. He was just very, just genuinely very funny.

• 45:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, very pure place.

• 45:59Speaker 02

  Yeah. I was always impressed with that.

• 46:01Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we have, uh, we've tapped out. We've gone, I mean, you've given us much joy. You've also given us some reality, which I of course.

• 46:11Speaker 02

  Ignore him.

• 46:14Conan O'Brien?

  Talks about people losing their homes and I made it, you know, about how I don't. Those really good sneakers.

• 46:21Speaker 04

  Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:21Conan O'Brien?

  You can see it from my point of view.

• 46:23Speaker 03

  Now I get it.

• 46:24Speaker 04

  No, no.

• 46:24Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 46:25Speaker 04

  Oh, you get it.

• 46:26Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, but you know what I mean? The ones with the really good arch support.

• 46:28Speaker 02

  It's you and a Ralph's going, Betty Crocker.

• 46:35Speaker 02

  Who the hell is Betty Crocker?

• 46:40Speaker 02

  Why is this so inexpensive? My god. Hashes?

• 46:53Speaker 02

  Hash it, Crocker.

• 46:55Conan O'Brien?

  Someone carry me out of here. Nine people with me carry me away. I think about you from time to time because you're obviously one of the funniest people certainly I've ever met, but you're also, you're a very sensitive person and you're a really sweet guy. And I like it when we get to hang out and I've got it. I'd like to hang out more and maybe try and riff a little less and find out how you're doing. Like, how are you?

• 47:25Speaker 02

  No, man, it's, but that's good, though. It's like, we always get around to that.

• 47:28Conan O'Brien?

  It gets around to it.

• 47:29Speaker 02

  It always gets around to that and you always give me great advice. And the thing I always feel like, it's a whole cottage industry. Like, you, you, you mentioned in an interview, like, oh, yeah, I suffer like really bad anxiety and depression and stuff. And then everybody is, it becomes like a whole thing where now it's like I would do interviews and I'm like, Google my name and anxiety, you'll see everything I have to say about it. You know what I mean? And like depression and all that. But when I talk to people like, you know, you or Marty or these other, you know, people I, you know, admire so much for so long and you guys, we talk about it and stuff. You guys have been so great at listening and give me great advice and, you know, so I really appreciate that.

• 48:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's good just to know that so many people out there who in all walks of life have this issue, but it's also particularly an occupational hazard.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 48:20Conan O'Brien?

  In the comedy world, I don't know what it is.

• 48:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's something where.

• 48:23Conan O'Brien?

  It's the flip side of the coin. Yeah, totally. And I think I've just gotten to this place, though, where it's like, kind of for the first time in a healthier place. I mean, it's nice seeing Ally, my girlfriend, who's, you know, does stand up and is, but is like, a very solid person. Like, she makes breakfast for her kids every morning. Makes dinner. She's home. It's like, her priorities are so dead on. And I'm like, wow, you can be really funny, really smart, and do all the cool stuff, and still have that, you know, be a person, you know, a human, you know? So, so that's been helpful.

• 48:59Speaker 04

  Oh, Conan's sad.

• 49:00Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm just, now I'm thinking I gotta start making food.

• 49:04Speaker 04

  Oh, you need to do a lot more than that.

• 49:07Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 49:07Speaker 02

  What do you want? All right, what does everyone want for breakfast? No!

• 49:16Speaker 02

  It's Benedict. Postmate it!

• 49:22Speaker 02

  You will get Honey Nut Cheerios.

• 49:26Speaker 02

  Dry Honey Nut Cheerios.

• 49:30Conan O'Brien?

  I love this version of me, because it is me, just with that different accent. I'm the mayor of a mountain.

• 49:42Speaker 02

  My house largely unscathed. Largely unscathed. As usual.

• 49:50Conan O'Brien?

  Bill Hader, God bless you. Thank you for being here.

• 49:59Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sonja? Was it, do you shop for the kids, or do you shop for Tac?

• 50:03Speaker 04

  My kids.

• 50:04Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you gotta get them your stuff.

• 50:05Speaker 04

  Or my dog.

• 50:06Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, that cinnamon cider in the air. Do you smell that?

• 50:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:16Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays, I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's, uh, very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 50:52Conan O'Brien?

  The holidays are supposed to be about making memories, not managing the mess that comes with them. Between winter weather, road trips, shopping and family gatherings, your vehicle can take a beating. Mine sure does.

• 51:03Speaker 04

  Insane.

• 51:03Conan O'Brien?

  Especially when I'm back in the Northeast, driving around. I mean, I grew up with that.

• 51:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:08Conan O'Brien?

  Cars were red, the salt on the road, people throwing rocks at me.

• 51:11Speaker 04

  Whaaat?

• 51:12Conan O'Brien?

  That's not a weather thing. That's more of a me being, making people angry.

• 51:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:16Conan O'Brien?

  WeatherTech helps protect your vehicle from snow, slush, salt and seasonal messes. They also make the best gifts for automobile protection, from floor liners and cargo liner to side window deflectors, even gift cards. Great for today and to prevent future messes. Everything is built to last, easy to clean and designed for harsh winter conditions, okay? I grew up with this.

• 51:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:39Conan O'Brien?

  And the salt would eat away the car. We actually did have a Chevy. My dad had a Chevy Impala and the floor rusted out and you could see the road going by.

• 51:46Speaker 04

  Oh, what?

• 51:48Conan O'Brien?

  We were praying for WeatherTech and we didn't even know it. That was before it existed.

• 51:52Speaker 04

  That's cool.

• 51:53Conan O'Brien?

  So get a gift today at weathertech.com.

• 51:59Conan O'Brien?

  Now Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 52:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:02Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 52:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 52:04Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 52:10Speaker 04

  A vase.

• 52:11Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 52:14Speaker 04

  A jacket.

• 52:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 52:17Speaker 04

  Oh yeah, that jacket, nice jacket.

• 52:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it because you said you would.

• 52:19Speaker 04

  Aw, man.

• 52:20Conan O'Brien?

  And we're recording this, yeah.

• 52:21Speaker 04

  I didn't know you were doing that. I didn't know you were trapping me.

• 52:23Conan O'Brien?

  I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 52:33Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 52:34Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 53:02Conan O'Brien?

  Cybercrime is a serious problem in the United States.

• 53:05Speaker 03

  Is this a PSA?

• 53:07Conan O'Brien?

  The internet can be a very dark, dark place. And Sona, I understand that you've been the victim of a intended scam that didn't work.

• 53:18Speaker 04

  That's right. I was a target.

• 53:19Conan O'Brien?

  You were a target. And do you want to back this up and say what exactly happened?

• 53:24Speaker 04

  Yeah. There's an email that is no longer checked. It's not, it's not a working email, but every once in a while, someone will check it. Like once a month, once every two weeks, whatever. It was forwarded to me, but it's an email from Conan O'Brien.

• 53:40Speaker 04

  Yeah. And it says, "Request for contact information."

• 53:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 53:44Speaker 04

  "Dear Sona, I hope you're doing well."

• 53:49Conan O'Brien?

  This guy did not do his research.

• 53:51Speaker 04

  "When you have a moment, could you please share your personal mobile number with me? I have a task I'd like you to assist with. Best regards, Conan O'Brien."

• 54:01Conan O'Brien?

  Wow.

• 54:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:03Conan O'Brien?

  Well, a couple of problems there. It doesn't quite have my tone.

• 54:06Speaker 04

  No.

• 54:06Conan O'Brien?

  And I would know not to ask for your assistance

• 54:12Conan O'Brien?

  in any matter.

• 54:15Conan O'Brien?

  That was such a lazy try.

• 54:17Speaker 04

  I know.

• 54:18Speaker 03

  What's the endgame here? Because what they ultimately want is to get in touch with you.

• 54:22Speaker 04

  They want myself.

• 54:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:24Speaker 04

  And so, you know, I mean, it's just, but it's also best regards, Conan O'Brien. And then, "In what world do you not have my cellphone?"

• 54:32Conan O'Brien?

  Also, there's no bit in there. There's no shtick.

• 54:35Speaker 04

  "I hope you're doing well." "You don't hope I'm doing well."

• 54:38Speaker 03

  More importantly, there's no insult.

• 54:40Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that's what I mean. There's no shtick, there's no bit, there's no hook.

• 54:46Conan O'Brien?

  This person has never listened to this podcast, has never watched any of my work, has me confused with the ambassador, the American ambassador of France, Dean Adley Stevenson.

• 55:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I mean, it's ridiculous. That's a letter

• 55:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:07Conan O'Brien?

  between two... High functionaries in the late 50s.

• 55:10Speaker 04

  That's the thing. It's like if we were actual functioning adults, that would make sense. But that doesn't, you've never ended an email with best regards Conan O'Brien.

• 55:20Conan O'Brien?

  Right. And my email too would be like, hey Sona, um, why is Skrillex keep calling me?

• 55:28Conan O'Brien?

  And another thing, uh, trying to buy a coffin for a squirrel and getting nowhere.

• 55:35Speaker 03

  Maybe this was Skrillex.

• 55:37Conan O'Brien?

  I would, I always throw, I love to throw out some celebrity that's a complete, has no connection to me in any way. That's one of my favorite things to do. And then to say, uh, to you or to David, like, why am I, why is Dua Lipa?

• 55:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:54Conan O'Brien?

  Texting me constantly. What's that all about?

• 55:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, lately it's a lot of Benny Blanco.

• 56:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. I'm obsessed with the name Benny Blanco. I'm like, can someone get Benny Blanco off my ass? And you'll be like, wait, what's going on? And I'll say, he's blowing up my DMs. I don't want to hang and I don't even go bowling. I don't even know where you would go bowling. And so who would lie about that? Who with real things to worry about would lie about Selena Gomez's boyfriend or fiance?

• 56:25Speaker 03

  I was wondering who it was.

• 56:26Conan O'Brien?

  Wanting to go.

• 56:28Speaker 04

  You don't know who Benny Blanco is?

• 56:30Conan O'Brien?

  Where have you been, man?

• 56:31Speaker 04

  Come on, Nat. Get with it, bro.

• 56:34Speaker 03

  I've been bowling with Skrillex.

• 56:36Conan O'Brien?

  Skrillex.

• 56:38Speaker 04

  Skrillex. Oh my God, Eduardo's laughing at you so hard. Skrillex. Oh God.

• 56:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. He no longer dates Skrill. He's Skrill's ex.

• 56:48Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 56:49Conan O'Brien?

  My point is.

• 56:50Speaker 04

  You know what?

• 56:51Conan O'Brien?

  My point is that I do want to get it out there that I am sick and fucking tired of Benny Blanco sliding into my DMs.

• 56:58Speaker 04

  You know what? You don't even, can I just say?

• 57:01Conan O'Brien?

  Does Benny Blanco even know who I am? Cause I get the sense he's really cool. I don't think he does. He seems like a cool guy and I, Selena Gomez seems like a really cool person. They're a very, very cool couple. And now I'm obsessed with Benny Blanco reaching out to me and, and, uh, I don't think it's gonna happen. I don't even know much about Benny Blanco.

• 57:23Speaker 04

  If he does, would you try to like, say cool things to him?

• 57:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I would.

• 57:27Speaker 04

  Okay. I was just wondering if like.

• 57:29Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, let's try it right now. You be Benny Blanco.

• 57:31Speaker 04

  Hey, hey Conan, sup, bro?

• 57:33Conan O'Brien?

  Hey Benny Blanco, what's the score?

• 57:35Speaker 03

  Wait, he did write that email.

• 57:37Conan O'Brien?

  Hey Benny Blanco, hope you're doing well. Could I have your personal information? Best regards, Conan O'Brien.

• 57:42Speaker 04

  Why are you saying Benny Blanco? Why don't you just say, "Hey Benny, nice to hear from you"?

• 57:46Conan O'Brien?

  We haven't been properly introduced yet. You're still Benny Blanco to me, Benny.

• 57:50Speaker 04

  Then you said, "What's the score"?

• 57:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 57:51Speaker 04

  Sorry, okay, alright. Uh, why are you talking so weird? Conan, I'm just seeing what's up, man.

• 57:56Conan O'Brien?

  My best regards to Selena.

• 57:59Conan O'Brien?

  She has conquered vocally, uh, music, and she has done quite well, uh, in light comedy, with Murders in the Building.

• 58:08Speaker 03

  Murders in the Building.

• 58:10Speaker 04

  Conan, is this really Conan, or is this a scam?

• 58:13Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, you bet your booties, Blanco. This is the real McCoy. Just wondering how you're doing. Maybe we could hang sometime, get the old bruski-a-rooney.

• 58:21Speaker 04

  Oh, bruski-a-rooney, huh? You know what, actually, I'm busy. I just wanted to check in, and I heard you've been talking a lot about me, but I'm not sliding into your DMs. You're old.

• 58:31Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not that old, Benny Blanco. Hey, and someday you'll be my age, and your hips will hurt.

• 58:38Speaker 04

  God, I hope not. I won't ever get as old as you.

• 58:42Conan O'Brien?

  Well, few people have, Benny Blanco. Few people have. I'm the rare human that's made it this far. Well, my best to you, Benny Blanco.

• 58:50Speaker 04

  Yes, okay, it was really good talking to you. You'll never hear from me again, Conan.

• 58:54Conan O'Brien?

  See you in the clubs.

• 58:55Speaker 04

  Oh, God, don't say clubs. You won't see me in any of the clubs that you think that you would go to.

• 59:00Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know.

• 59:01Speaker 03

  It's me, Skrillex.

• 59:04Speaker 03

  I'll hang out with you.

• 59:04Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, look, it's Diplo.

• 59:06Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, Diplo!

• 59:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I saw his name on a billboard once, and I got obsessed.

• 59:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:12Conan O'Brien?

  Diplo in Vegas. And I was like, I don't know what he does. There's just a picture of a guy staring at me. I want a piece of that.

• 59:19Speaker 04

  He's a DJ.

• 59:21Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, whatever. I know there are DJs, because it's-

• 59:23Speaker 03

  Producer DJ.

• 59:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, oh, Jesus, Eduardo!

• 59:26Speaker 04

  Fuck you, Eduardo.

• 59:28Speaker 03

  You've gone too far now.

• 59:29Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo, all I know- All I know is that when I see a billboard of a man scowling at me, and just wearing no particular outfit, just a t-shirt, and they're scowling at me, and it's a name, and it says Vegas, I know they're a DJ.

• 59:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:45Conan O'Brien?

  But there's no- What kind of show business is that?

• 59:49Speaker 04

  If Diplo or Benny Blanco or any DJ ever invited you to Vegas for one of their DJ sets. I know it's not your scene.

• 59:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'll go.

• 59:57Speaker 04

  You have to go.

• 59:58Conan O'Brien?

  I'll go.

• 59:59Speaker 04

  And you have to stand next to them in the booth.

• 1:00:01Conan O'Brien?

  Message to Benny Blanco, Diplo, Skrillex, habnat, jab jab.

• 1:00:07Speaker 04

  Who else?

• 1:00:07Speaker 03

  Tiesto.

• 1:00:08Speaker 04

  Tiesto?

• 1:00:09Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god, Tiesto.

• 1:00:11Speaker 04

  Steve Aoki?

• 1:00:12Speaker 03

  Steve Aoki.

• 1:00:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I mean, you just... Polly D. What's that? Polly D.

• 1:00:15Speaker 03

  Polly D.

• 1:00:16Speaker 04

  Oh, DJ Polly D.

• 1:00:17Conan O'Brien?

  Polly D. Wait, Polly D from Jersey Shore?

• 1:00:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:20Speaker 03

  That's Adam's favorite DJ.

• 1:00:21Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, they still don't know his last name?

• 1:00:23Speaker 04

  Polly fucking Jersey over here, that's why.

• 1:00:25Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, so listen, let's wrap it up and let's summarize. Polly D, Tedesco.

• 1:00:32Speaker 03

  Tiesto.

• 1:00:33Conan O'Brien?

  What's that?

• 1:00:34Speaker 03

  Tiesto.

• 1:00:35Conan O'Brien?

  Tiesto.

• 1:00:36Speaker 03

  Chain smokers technically.

• 1:00:37Conan O'Brien?

  Chain smokers, I mean, you name it, you got it.

• 1:00:40Speaker 03

  Porter Robinson.

• 1:00:40Conan O'Brien?

  Of course, I mean, I had that one written down before you even said it.

• 1:00:44Speaker 03

  Wolfman Jack.

• 1:00:45Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, no, I want to hang with any of...

• 1:00:47Speaker 04

  No, don't, no, don't.

• 1:00:48Speaker 03

  Wolfpack Amadeus, so you're not too far off.

• 1:00:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, well, that's what he meant.

• 1:00:52Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:00:53Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, I am ready to hang with any DJ in Vegas if it gets me the street cred I need.

• 1:00:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:59Conan O'Brien?

  Because no one's gonna see that coming, me standing next to them while they're DJing.

• 1:01:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01:04Conan O'Brien?

  Whatever that is.

• 1:01:05Speaker 04

  With a big hat, because it's Vegas and you're probably outside and you're like fully covered.

• 1:01:10Conan O'Brien?

  I'm holding one of those incredibly giant liquors, what is it?

• 1:01:14Speaker 03

  Oh, a yard of, like a yard of beer?

• 1:01:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01:17Speaker 03

  I thought you were gonna say like an Asian parasol or something like.

• 1:01:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I'm holding a geishas parasol in Vegas and holding a very moderately sized 0.0 Heineken.

• 1:01:32Speaker 04

  Covered head to toe.

• 1:01:36Conan O'Brien?

  Hey Diplo, there's Benny Blanco and Skrillex.

• 1:01:43Conan O'Brien?

  All right, I'm signing off.

• 1:01:44Speaker 04

  Oh, please end this.

• 1:01:45Conan O'Brien?

  Enjoy this segment.

• 1:01:47Speaker 04

  Best regards.

• 1:01:47Conan O'Brien?

  Best regards, Conan O'Brien.

• 1:01:52Speaker 06

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonum of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 1:02:12Speaker 06

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:03:00Speaker 05

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• 1:03:30Speaker 06

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