Your Thoughts Will Heal or Hurt You w/ Marisa Peer EP 1427

https://lewishowes.com/mindset - Order a copy of my new book The Greatness Mindset today! Marisa Peer is the author of 'I Am Enough' and creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy®️(RTT). Marisa Peer is an English best-selling author, nutritionist, relationship therapist, hypnotherapist trainer, and motivational speaker. She is using hypnosis for anxiety, weight loss, addiction, and overcoming fear. She has spent over 30 years working with people including royalty, rock stars, actors, professional and Olympic athletes, CEOs and media personalities and has developed her own style that is frequently referred to as "life-changing." Other than 'I Am Enough', Marisa Peer is also the author of 'You Can Be Thin', 'Ultimate Confidence', 'Trying to Get Pregnant' and 'You Can Be Younger'. Her specialist subjects include: hypnosis, infertility (pregnancy), fears/ phobias, stage fright, low self-esteem, confidence/ self-esteem, weight loss, relationships, career, addictions and childhood problems. In this episode you will learn,The definition of Rapid Transformational TherapyHow Marisa has treated infertilityThe three things everyone has wrong with themWhy so many famous people are unhappyWhy the stories we tell ourselves matterFor more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1427Listen to another episode with Marisa Peer:https://link.chtbl.com/1228-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  My friend, I am such a big believer that your mindset is everything. It can really dictate if your life has meaning, has value, and you feel fulfilled, or if you feel exhausted, drained, and like you're never going to be enough. Your mindset is everything. And our brand new book, The Greatness Mindset, just hit the New York Times Bestseller back-to-back weeks. And I'm so excited to hear from so many of you who've bought the book, who've read it and finished it already, and are getting incredible results from the lessons in the book. If you haven't got a copy yet, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book I wish I had when I was 20, struggling, trying to figure out life

• 0:44Lewis Howes?

  10 years ago, at 30, trying to figure out transitions in my life, and a book I'm glad I have today for myself. Make sure to get a copy at lewishouse.com/2023mindset to get your copy today. Again, lewishouse.com/2023mindset to get a copy today. Also, the book is on Audible now, so you can get it on audiobook as well over there also.

• 1:10Marisa Peer?

  Every word you say is a blueprint that your mind, body, and psyche are working to make your reality. So when you learn that people can try and give you anything, but if you don't accept it, you haven't let it in. And if you don't let it in...

• 1:25Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 1:49Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to today's special episode. Over the last 1,300-plus episodes, there have been so many impactful interviews that I've been lucky enough to have, and I always like to reflect on some of the most powerful. And this episode was one that resonated with most of you guys in the past, and I'm excited for the value it's going to bring you today as well. So I hope you enjoy today's episode.

• 2:14Lewis Howes?

  Why did you get into this field in the first place?

• 2:16Marisa Peer?

  Well, it's very interesting. I used to teach aerobics for Jane Funder here in South Robertson. Yeah, many moons ago.

• 2:22Lewis Howes?

  A few blocks away.

• 2:23Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, we were looking at it this morning. So I trained to be a child psychologist and I didn't love that because when you're a child psychologist, you have three patients, mum, dad, child. And especially with mum, dad are divorced, it's very hard to get to the child because they they use that child often. One says no sugar, one says all sugar. I found it very frustrating. And of course, the kids that really need help, you're not seeing the rich, privileged kids who are underperforming because they want to punish one or both parents. So that wasn't really working for me. And I think I was too young anyway to do that, I was only 22. So I left and I came to LA and I ended up teaching aerobics for Jane,

• 3:04Marisa Peer?

  which I have to say was way more fun than being a child psychologist in the north of England. But I had a psychology background, I've always been fascinated by human behavior. And I noticed in her studio, she'd be the first to admit it, every third woman was bulimic, anorexic, including Jane, who was bulimic for a long time. So they were bulimic, anorexic, exercise-compulsive body dysmorphia. They go, "Look at this fat on my wrist."

• 3:31Lewis Howes?

  Skin.

• 3:32Marisa Peer?

  I know, yeah, but to them it was fat. And I'm thinking, "This is just insane." And I lived in West Hollywood and I had two roommates, one was bulimic, one was anorexic. One would defrost cheesecake and cry hysterically while eating the whole thing. The other would eat frozen grape every 30 minutes. And it's like, "Oh, this is like mad." But also fascinating. So I found this genius hypnotherapist called Gil Boyne out in Glendale. And I trained with him and thought, "Sure, this is like amazing. I've got all these people in my class. I've got all these issues and now I've got this hypnotherapy training and all I have to do is take all my clients straight out of my classes," which I did. With immense success. But what happened is I was so busy, we'll bring up, I know you're the weight loss hypnotist,

• 4:17Marisa Peer?

  but I've got a fear of bees and I only wanna see you because my neighbor said you're like amazing or. I know you're the bulimic girl, but I've got a fear of lift and I want to see you. And then I realized it was actually much more interesting.

• 4:29Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 4:30Marisa Peer?

  And so I continued to do that and then I was doing it backwards and forwards, London and LA, flying, commuting. And then I worked on several TV shows, wrote some books and then thought, you know, there's only me doing this, so I should teach other people to do it. And now I teach lots of people to do, because now I've created my own method, which is really taking the world by storm.

• 4:53Lewis Howes?

  What's it called?

• 4:53Marisa Peer?

  It's called rapid transformational therapy.

• 4:56Lewis Howes?

  How's it work?

• 4:57Marisa Peer?

  Well, it works by. So for instance, if you have migraines or you're obese and you go to a therapist, they want you to talk every week about how, what's it like being obese?

• 5:08Lewis Howes?

  Years.

• 5:08Marisa Peer?

  Well, very distressing actually, and what does that feel like, frustrating? It's like you're going to the dentist going, can I come in every week and talk about the infection in my gum? The dentist goes, no, get that infection out because it just does ongoing damage. So conventional therapy likes to talk a lot. And what I don't like about conventional therapy is they go, okay, you, you have bipolar, that's very complex. Therefore, the treatment is going to be very complex and that is not the case.

• 5:36Lewis Howes?

  We're to take it in stages and break it down here.

• 5:37Marisa Peer?

  And conventional medicine too, they treat the symptoms. Whereas when I work with someone who's believed, it can go, what happened? What happened to them? They go, well, my granddad had sex with me when I was eleven, until I was thirteen. And I got really fat and I never realized the connection that I kept saying, I wish I could stop him looking at me like that. And the mind goes, that's a command. You want your granddad to stop lusting after your body, I'll make your body super unattractive. And you have to unpick that. So we had someone who had chronic migraines and had tried everything. And she was having injections in her head. And when I asked her, because we do this thing called role function purpose, we hypnotize someone.

• 6:21Lewis Howes?

  Role function.

• 6:21Marisa Peer?

  Function purpose. And in hypnosis, they go back and we say, be the headache and tell me your role. And amazingly, they do it because they're out of their thinking into the feeling mind and they'll say things like, oh, well, as long as I have those headaches. I can't disappoint my dad, who always says, why aren't you an overachiever like me? I spent all that money on your education. How can you just be a waitress, but now I've got the headaches, because, oh, my poor daughter. She could be an amazing barrister, lawyer, but she's got these headaches.

• 6:54Lewis Howes?

  Control and get over.

• 6:55Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, and then, of course, when the, when the symptom has a role, function, purpose, and an intention, it's not going anywhere.

• 7:04Lewis Howes?

  So the, so if someone has headaches, you would walk them through what's the role of that headache?

• 7:09Marisa Peer?

  What's the benefit? Yeah, what's the payoff? Even with children of five, if I say to a five-year-old, maybe I know this is a silly question, but if the headache was your friend,

• 7:21Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 7:21Marisa Peer?

  what would it be doing? They go, well, when mommy and daddy fight and I've got a headache, they stop fighting. They turn off all the lights and we lie in the dark till it goes away. There's a kid who's had a thought, I've got to stop mommy and daddy fighting. And, and because they're, they're not logical creatures, they're feeling creatures, the feeling mind says, an illness will stop your parents fighting. Maybe failing at school will make them see that you're unhappy. Maybe getting eczema will make your mom spend ages massaging the cream into your skin, and you might feel that you matter to her. Because every time you speak to her, she goes, I'm busy at work, I'm doing my emails, I've got to speak to work.

• 8:02Marisa Peer?

  And kids think, I want mommy to notice me in the mind, which is illogical, goes, can I come up with, well, we can have asthma, eczema, dermatitis, irritable bowel.

• 8:13Lewis Howes?

  Obesity.

• 8:14Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, and seventy percent of these issues. Although the symptoms are real, you have a real migraine and real flaky skin, the cause of them is completely psychosomatic. Because the mind's job is to tune into your thoughts and give you what it thinks you want. And it can only work that out by what you say. When you say, this four oh five is killing me, I'm dying under paper, my boss makes me want to kill myself. Your mind goes, you better not go back to that place called work. I think I should give you an ulcer. Or agoraphobia, because you keep saying that the commute is killing you, the job is killing you, and we say things like, killing it, dying here.

• 8:58Marisa Peer?

  You know, one of my clients was telling me that her boss just died, he used to sign off all his emails, busy, busy, busy, I wish I was dead. A joke and then he got cancer and died in really fast, but his signature was, I wish I was dead. And they'll say, oh, that somebody asked me, I want to die. Oh, my boss promoted me, I wanna die. I I'm gonna give, I'm gonna kill it.

• 9:19Lewis Howes?

  I could die, yeah.

• 9:20Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, and we don't understand that the brain has no sense of humor. And only picks up words and thinks they're real.

• 9:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's a lot of what we were talking about with Dr. Joe Dispenza, you know, he covers a lot of the stuff.

• 9:33Marisa Peer?

  Of course.

• 9:34Lewis Howes?

  Wow, okay, so you started helping people from one phase, which was in losing weight.

• 9:40Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 9:40Lewis Howes?

  And you said, let me understand people, it's much more than just losing weight.

• 9:43Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:44Lewis Howes?

  And you've been doing this for thirty plus years, since you were eleven.

• 9:47Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 9:48Lewis Howes?

  Why did you, why were you so fascinated by human behavior in the first place?

• 9:52Marisa Peer?

  Well, I was told I could never have children, I just, when I was seventeen, I stopped having periods completely. And all the doctors said, well, you know, you you have infertility unexplained, which I thought, that's a good title, isn't it?

• 10:04Lewis Howes?

  Unexplained.

• 10:06Marisa Peer?

  Because explained is your fallopian tubes are blocked, or you don't have enough estrogen. But unexplained means everything's working, we have no idea what's going on. And so I decided to just work on myself and I simply wouldn't accept that. And I did get pregnant, but then they said, well, everything's gonna be wrong with this baby. And it's gonna have the same issues that you've got, you've got all these different hormonal thyroid issues and and they really freaked me out. And then when she was born, she was perfect. And they said, well, she's gonna be very underweight, she was seven and a half pounds. And I realized then that I was gonna stop all the medication and and just come out of that. And then I started working with infertile women, it's so rewarding.

• 10:49Marisa Peer?

  You'd come in and go, I can't get pregnant. And they'd always go back to say, what's going on in this scene? Ah, I'm fifty and I think I wrote, my dad will kill me. Oh, my God, my mom will kill herself, you know, we're Muslims and I'm dating this white guy. And oh, my God, the shame, the terror. And the day they found out they're not pregnant, they go, thank you, Allah, I'm so happy I'm not pregnant. Now the mind is crystal clear, having a baby will kill you. And not having a baby is something to celebrate. And when you repeat something in mind enough, it just can't unravel that. When women say, I've got the curse every month, and oh, I hate this, and I wish I never had them, and then periods go away.

• 11:30Marisa Peer?

  They never kind of look at what's going on there. And so I found infertility really easy to fix. And then I had people with secondary infertility, which means you had a baby. You got pregnant like a high, high school girl on a date immediately. But you've been trying for seven years to get pregnant again.

• 11:48Lewis Howes?

  Why does that not happen?

• 11:49Marisa Peer?

  Cause you go home and say to your husband, imagine we had a second one. Oh, that would kill me. Oh, I'd leave you if we had two keeping us up all night and that that would bankrupt us. And can you imagine? What a night we were like to have another one. The mind goes, don't have another one. And of course you don't mean it. You don't mean it. We're going to quite cheerfully throw this kid out the window in the middle of the night. I could just give them away. I remember saying to someone, your, your baby is lovely. She'd come back at two A M. You can have him. It's a joke. Like we say to our kids, you're so lovely. I could eat you. And they think, really? So we sell this crazy stuff. Which we know is crazy, but the mind says, this is literal. This is real. You mean it.

• 12:31Marisa Peer?

  When you say I'm dying under my paperwork, the mind goes, no more paperwork for you. When we say. I'd die if my next relationship ends. If, if I got hurt like this again, it would kill me. The mind goes, you know what? If it would kill you, why don't I just turn you into a complete bitch? You'd never have another relationship again. And then it can't kill you.

• 12:51Lewis Howes?

  Right. And then you'll never have love as well.

• 12:53Marisa Peer?

  No, or men who go, you know, well, women are ball breakers. They just want your money. I'm done with women. I couldn't go through that again. It would kill me. If I had to lose half my property again. The mind goes, that's my job. You see, we think our mind's job is to make us happy. It really isn't. It's to make us survive against what we're once. Really pretty bad odds. And how we survive is every time we say something that would kill me, I'd die if that happened, the mind goes on red alert to stop it happening. In the same way, if you ate some mushrooms and were violently sick, you'll find the minute you think, oh, no, no mushrooms again or. Shellfish. And the next time you see shellfish, you go, oh, no, no, I couldn't eat that.

• 13:36Marisa Peer?

  Because your mind will always remember what hurts you, because its job is to keep you alive by making sure you don't get hurt. But it doesn't know what hurts you until you say. That last boyfriend broke my heart, shredded it to pieces and jumped on it. No. He just got bored with you and you probably got bored with him.

• 13:55Lewis Howes?

  Well, it wasn't the right fit or a number of things, yeah.

• 13:57Marisa Peer?

  And everything he loved in you was still in you. He was just your starter boyfriend. Maybe he was your starter husband, but he didn't kill you. But we tell ourselves all this crazy stuff and then wonder why we feel so crazy. And all we have to do is tell ourselves better stuff. My mum will kill me if I get my shoes dirty. My dad will kill me if I don't get all A's. My dad will go crazy if I come home with a bad report card, which is not true. But if you believe that, then you create a world of stress. All because of what you say to yourself and tell yourself. But that's actually very good news, cause since you say it, you can say something better.

• 14:40Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, always.

• 14:41Lewis Howes?

  What's the thing that you see the most that people struggle with? Is it um a stress, an overwhelm, an anxiousness, a fear?

• 14:49Marisa Peer?

  It's it's always a belief, I'm not enough. That's the biggest thing. In fact, I always say to all my clients, there's only three things wrong with everyone. Everyone has got three things wrong. The number one is I'm not enough. The second one is I'm different, so I can't connect. And the third is I really want something like freedom from depression. Or success, but it's not available. But I'm not enough is the biggest. I mean, I've worked with hundreds of thousands of addicts. I've never found one ever that ever believed they're enough. And if we look at the key addictions, shopping, binging on food, binging on alcohol, binging on drugs, sex, sex especially, porn.

• 15:31Marisa Peer?

  All of those things come from a feeling of emptiness inside because we're taught, oh, you feel a feeling? Why don't you eat some doughnuts or go onto eBay and buy it or Amazon or buy something or have a drink and our feelings are the most real thing we have. And we push them down. We find all this stuff to buy or eat or drink or take to keep us, like John Lennon said, comfortably numb. But then the feelings regroup and come back, cause they've always got a job to do. And I always say to my clients, look, you've got to feel the feeling until it no longer requires to be felt. You can't eat it or drink it or shop it away, but we're all taught that we can and should.

• 16:15Marisa Peer?

  So I'm not enough is the biggest problem I see. I mean, if you look at. Amy Winehouse, or George Michael, or Whitney Houston, or Philip Seymour Hoffman, immense talent, a gift, beauty.

• 16:29Lewis Howes?

  Why don't they feel like they were enough, though? What was, when the world says you are enough.

• 16:33Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 16:34Lewis Howes?

  I'm gonna celebrate you, you're gonna have everything you want, we're gonna talk about you constantly, stroke your ego.

• 16:39Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 16:40Lewis Howes?

  Pay you a ton of money. How come they still can't get over that they're not enough?

• 16:44Marisa Peer?

  That is a great question, there's a couple of things. First of all, if you're Amy Winehouse and someone says, write a song, and you write back to Black in five minutes, they give you eight million dollars. It's what I call the self-destructiveness of talent. I didn't earn that. It's a bit like a lottery winner. I didn't work for that, I gotta get rid of it. You know, lottery winners who haven't had money will almost always go bankrupt very quickly. So if you didn't earn it, it has no value.

• 17:12Lewis Howes?

  That guilt of not feeling like, well, I didn't work ten years for this, or yeah.

• 17:15Marisa Peer?

  Even with guys, you know, guys like to pursue women, so they've earned them. If you just give it up to them immediately, they like it, but they don't wanna see you again because you've taken away their desire to earn it. If your dad is an heir and gives you a ton of money to open a business, you won't respect it because you didn't earn it. So the first thing is, this came to me so easily. Therefore, it has no value at all. And that's a big thing with rock stars and music stars who debase it. But the second thing is with many people, like, for instance, George Michael and Whitney Houston always had to pretend they were straight. They have to live a lie from the very beginning. Michael Jackson had to pretend to him this lovely, God-fearing, wonderful Walton-type family.

• 18:01Marisa Peer?

  And we know that wasn't true. Amy had to pretend that she didn't mind at all that her dad left her mum when she was four. And she minded very much indeed. So when you fake it, and fake it, and fake it, and fool the world. You can't fool yourself and then you're you're living a lie and eventually it comes back and people like Whitney who was just so talented then use drugs to hide the pain because I can't now come out and say that I'm not straight and I'm portrayed as this Bible bashing, God fearing man heterosexual, man loving girl and that's not me, I'm a party animal, I like women. But she wasn't allowed to say that.

• 18:44Lewis Howes?

  Coming from the church and everything else.

• 18:45Marisa Peer?

  Coming from the church and it's so unfair to do that to people because you make them pretend to be something else which causes intense stress. And then when you're in intense stress, what do you do? You have to take drugs. I remember years ago Carrie Fisher's mother saying that she would appear on screen with two baby diaper pins on her shirt and she was America's golden girl, but her husband was cheating. She was a chronic bulimic all her life. And hit that and such a shame.

• 19:19Lewis Howes?

  You mentioned something about

• 19:22Lewis Howes?

  leaning into the feelings until you no longer need to feel them or until they go away.

• 19:26Marisa Peer?

  Feel the feeling until it no longer requires to be felt.

• 19:30Lewis Howes?

  Why do we, why should we do that? So give me an example of a feeling.

• 19:33Marisa Peer?

  So let's imagine you, you and your ex-wife are not getting on and you have a feeling of rage about the fact that she's trying to get your kid to call the new guy daddy and she's blocking you out and you feel so angry. You think, oh, I mustn't feel angry, you know, she's doing it for the interest of my kid or and so I just drink the anger and I drink the anger. And you see with a feeling, it's the most real thing. You have a feeling is like a little kid in a class going notice me, I'm over here. And if you don't, they get more and more out of control. And so when you don't acknowledge your feelings, they regroup and they regroup until they become outrage, rage coming out and then suddenly

• 20:13Marisa Peer?

  they go a bit crazy in the car park of a store or the line of a store because the mind says, I've got all this rage wants to come out. Someone just cut into the line, take it out on them. And it's so ineffective because I have something I call Triple A, which is be aware of your feeling. Most people have no idea what they feel. They go, I shouldn't feel jealous. I shouldn't feel envious. I shouldn't be furious with this kid. Who's keeping me up all night. So they're not aware of it. They certainly can't accept and they never get to articulate. If you can say, you know, my wife's a good person, but actually I'm furious with what she's doing. It really hurts my feelings. That's why group therapy in places like AA, the good thing is you get to say.

• 20:58Marisa Peer?

  Sometimes I could quite cheerfully um hurt my wife. I'm not going to, but I feel like it. Oh yeah, I feel like that too. Cause when you can express your feeling, it goes away. Goes away immediately, but when you. Communicate it, yeah. Yeah, even to yourself. So if your mother-in-law is the absolute from hell. And you can't say, by the way, Dorothy, you are the most horrible mother-in-law in the world. But you just go and shut yourself in the bathroom, turn on the taps, flutter it on it and say. Dorothy is a really unpleasant mother-in-law. And one of my. Feel better. Yeah, you feel so much better because you're not saying it to them. It's like feelings are like gas. They're in or they're out and they hurt much more when you keep them in.

• 21:42Marisa Peer?

  And you wanna let them out. Maybe gas, we're not obviously right in the middle of a meeting, but when you keep stuff in, it causes you pain. And one of my amazing therapists said, my mother-in-law really was the mother-in-law from. And I could never say anything because my husband was the golden boy, but after I trained with her, I started to say, you know, Brenda. You're a really unhappy person and I know you're trying to hurt my feelings, but I just feel so bad. And Brenda finally said to me, no. I've been bulimic for thirty-two years. Nobody knows. Could you help me? She completely transformed that woman in two sessions. Never been bulimic since. And I said, she likes me more than her son now. I'm now the daughter-in-law from heaven. I've got a big halo.

• 22:22Marisa Peer?

  But when we keep everything in, it does so much damage. It's like with little kids, they get angry and we shout at them. They go, oh. My anger makes you angry and I'm not allowed to be angry. I'm not allowed to say something hurt me. Hmm. And all psychiatrists will tell you that the, and if you wanna be sorted out. Here's something you must do. Express your hurt as close to the event that hurt you happening as possible. You can't say to your dad, you know, twenty years I asked for a bike and you got me a skateboard. I didn't want that. They go, what? I worked nights to buy you that bike. You can't get any resolution after ten years or twenty years.

• 23:01Marisa Peer?

  But when you can say to your friend, look, I love you, you're my friend, but it really hurt me when you didn't even turn up to my wedding and I still had to pay for all of that and you didn't call and it hurt me. I still love you, but you hurt my feelings. Then it's gone, but when you keep it in. It doesn't, when you say to the friend, you make me feel so angry, well, you make me feel angry. I didn't come to your wedding because your guest list, that was extortionate, asking for all this stuff. I mean, I'm not Bank of America and I don't wanna buy that stuff. But you can't get resolution.

• 23:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 23:32Marisa Peer?

  But when you say, I was hurt when, or I felt hurt by. And you can say it to a wall, you can say it to a force, you can say it to a mirror.

• 23:41Lewis Howes?

  You can write it down.

• 23:42Marisa Peer?

  It's not for the other person. It's good to say it because it's out then. And then it goes away. It's the most wonderful thing. It goes away. And then everything is so different.

• 23:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's interesting because of the last two years specifically, it's been magnified with men in the media who have created all these, you know, killings, shootings.

• 24:02Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, I know.

• 24:03Lewis Howes?

  Racial marches, political distress, you know. Domestic violence, all these things have been happening and it's been magnified over the last couple of years, right, with Me Too and Time's Up and everything. And as a society, when men are unable to express or communicate themselves, or they're gonna be known as weak or soft or whatever the word is. It's, it's hard for them to, to express themselves in any other way except for this blow up.

• 24:28Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, especially when you say this, like, stop acting like a girl, you're running like a girl.

• 24:32Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 24:33Marisa Peer?

  You're acting like a girl.

• 24:34Lewis Howes?

  Don't be a wuss, don't be this, don't be, it's like less than their manhood or something.

• 24:38Marisa Peer?

  Of course.

• 24:38Lewis Howes?

  There's no wonder why, if it's unacceptable for men to express themselves in this way. It's hard for them to just be stoic constantly. I'm not saying it's okay what they've done to act out, but I think society in general needs to have a big group hug.

• 24:54Marisa Peer?

  Sure.

• 24:54Lewis Howes?

  And let it out in a way where it's more acceptable to express.

• 24:57Marisa Peer?

  And also, whenever anyone does anything wrong, we go, what's wrong with you? We should say, what happened to you? What happened to you? And they'll go, well, you know, my mom always said she didn't wanna go, boy, she wanted a girl and I've been brought up. Give you an example, I had a city trader as a client who really had problems trading. And his boss said, you know, he's the best trader, but he's so nervous. And when I worked with him, he was saying that when he was a kid, his parents had two girls and then him. And he would smash his tongue, go to us again, they go, what's wrong with you? Look at your sisters just combing their doll's hair and they're so good. And why are you so aggressive? And a four-year-old can't go, well, because I have something called testosterone.

• 25:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 25:37Marisa Peer?

  And they don't. And I'm designed to run and jump and hunt and fish. And I've got to learn what to do with aggression. Smashing my cars together is good for me. He didn't, a four-year-old doesn't have anything because they live in the world of. Yeah, they just live in a world of feeling, not logic. And he said, I never realized, I spent my whole life thinking something is wrong with me. Because my parents would say everything comes in, what's wrong with you? Look how neat it is, they don't get peas on the floor when they eat. And he said, I heard it every day.

• 26:06Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 26:06Marisa Peer?

  Until I formed a belief, something's wrong with me. He didn't date women because he thought, well, I should be like one. But I want to be like a man. And that session totally turned him around. He said, it was like he, someone had sprayed him with pheromones. Because he went out that night, women were attaching themselves to like a magnet. But he just got rid of the feeling of something's wrong with me. Because most people do walk around going, something's wrong with me, I'm just majorly messed up. And you can't heal.

• 26:34Lewis Howes?

  And no one understands me, no one gets me.

• 26:36Marisa Peer?

  And I don't understand me. And if I don't understand me, how can you?

• 26:40Lewis Howes?

  And why should I even be here?

• 26:41Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, because you can't heal what you can't understand. And so all the treating the symptom is like putting a Band-Aid on an infection. It doesn't, when you understand it, you can totally change your perception of what it is. Because events actually don't affect you, but the meaning you attach is in dust.

• 27:00Lewis Howes?

  The story we tell ourselves.

• 27:01Marisa Peer?

  The story. And that's, I love that, because when, when I just got all my Stevie Awards, it's like, oh, I feel like I've got an Oscar. And that's good, because I take clients' stories and I give them a happy ending. Always give them a happy ending. But then you have to understand a bit more of psychology because humans are hardwired to recreate what they know. We like what's familiar, even if that's very, even if it's very bad. If I've never had money and I win the lottery, I'm gonna get rid of it. Or if I've never had love and you love me, I'm gonna reject you because it's so unfamiliar. If I've had a dad who calls me an idiot and worthless, guess what kind of guy I like? That's it. Because when I meet them, I go, oh,

• 27:45Marisa Peer?

  I feel like I've known this guy my whole life. We just clicked. And they think, oh my god, it's because he's my dad. But now I've been sleeping with him for six months, I don't know what to do with that now. Because we are wired to like what is familiar and to resist what's unfamiliar. And that's what kept us alive. When we lived in water cities, we wouldn't go, I'm a bit bored with this group. I think I'll go outside the water city and find another tribe because they might have killed you. So we have this wiring that says, run towards what's familiar and run away from what's unfamiliar. But the very good news is you can make anything familiar. And the most important thing to make familiar is praising yourself. That's, if you could just do that, that in itself would change

• 28:29Lewis Howes?

  How so?

• 28:30Marisa Peer?

  your entire life.

• 28:31Lewis Howes?

  How do you praise yourself?

• 28:33Marisa Peer?

  Well, you get up in the morning and go, I'm a good person. I have a skill. I have a talent. I have something to offer the world. I'm here for a reason. You look in the mirror and go, oh, there you are. You're a good person. You've got a good heart. You know, the, the most important way to answer that question is this. What did you always want your dad to tell you? Even if you never had a dad. If you had a dad, a good dad, what would he have said? What would your mama said? What would a nice teacher have said to you? And it would be something like this. I'm proud of you. You're a good son. I'm so glad I'm your dad. How lucky I got to have you. And a teacher would say, you're such a smart kid. What a joy it is to teach you because you're smart.

• 29:18Marisa Peer?

  And we all wanna hear the same stuff. I love you. I'm proud of you. You're interesting. You're great company. Nobody needs to hear I'm the best dentist in Beverly Hills because that doesn't work. It's emotions and many of my clients, their mother might be dead, but they're still trying to get her to approve of them. Dad's living in another country, but they're still working to make him like them. And you know, the most important thing is you like you. So whatever you wanted to hear, say it to yourself because your mind doesn't even know that it's coming in. Also, it doesn't care. Your mind doesn't care what you tell it is right or wrong or true or false, or even if it's good or bad, it lets it in like

• 30:01Marisa Peer?

  chapstick on your lips. Your lips don't go, is this organic? Fair trade? Just lets it in. It it needs a bit of nourishment. And we need some nourishment and words are very nourishing. And there is actually nothing on the planet that will raise your self-esteem like praise. But self-praise is better because if I said to you, I just adore you. You're amazing. By the way, you know, can you do this and this and this? I've manipulated you. But if I say it to myself, my mind knows there's no manipulation. And the mind likes repetition. And when you say it every day, your mind kind of goes, oh, yeah, here you go again with that praise. You say it every day. Must be true. And now it sinks in. Problem is if you criticize yourself every day, it says the same thing.

• 30:46Lewis Howes?

  As well, and that hurts you. It's interesting because you know, the the big talents that commit suicide or die, you know, the um, who's the comedian? Robin.

• 30:56Marisa Peer?

  Robin Williams.

• 30:57Lewis Howes?

  Robin Williams, Stephen Wyon House, all these individuals who had the world praising them.

• 31:01Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 31:02Lewis Howes?

  They weren't able to praise themselves.

• 31:03Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, and they don't let it in.

• 31:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it doesn't matter if everyone else acknowledges you.

• 31:08Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 31:08Lewis Howes?

  It does matter, but you have to be willing to acknowledge yourself as well, right?

• 31:12Marisa Peer?

  And the familiar unfamiliar, if praise is unfamiliar, but criticism is familiar and you say to someone like Robin Williams, oh, my God, that last show was funny. He goes, didn't you notice? I I I left out the best. I fluffed a word. It wasn't as good as the one before. So if you're not used to praise, you'll reject it. And if you're used to criticism, you'll add it in. Because we do what's familiar. So if we say to someone, I love your book, they go, oh, actually, it's not that good. The the other one is much, I love your top. Oh, I got it in a car boot sale. It's five years. I've got a hole in it. So if we haven't got praise, we actually reject it. And you just have to say to yourself, I'm gonna make this familiar. I'm gonna praise myself every day. It might feel weird, but I'll keep doing it.

• 31:56Marisa Peer?

  It's a bit like running, you know, running isn't familiar, especially around Beverly Hills. But if you put your shoes on and go for a run on concrete, eventually it becomes familiar and then you like it. I mean, sticking a lens in your eye, that's the weirdest thing.

• 32:09Lewis Howes?

  Very unfamiliar.

• 32:10Marisa Peer?

  The first few times, oh, my god, I'm carrying it in my eye like that. And then after a while, you can do it almost without thinking because you get used to it. You can make anything familiar or unfamiliar. And my advice to everyone is look at your bad habits and make them unfamiliar. And look at what you want, especially praise. And make it familiar more so because if you've got a startup or you're working for yourself, the days of a boss going, well done, good job, pat on the back are over. And you have a praise muscle and no one's gonna build it up, except for you. But if you build it up, it makes you bulletproof.

• 32:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. It's fascinating. I'm I'm so glad you're talking about this because we have a similar philosophy and and a lot of people that come to me are afraid of certain things. And at an early age, I was afraid of a lot of things. I was afraid to talk to girls as a, you know, as a twelve year old, I was afraid of speaking in public. I was afraid of dancing. I was afraid of all these things, right? And I got so sick and tired of being afraid that I just said, I'm gonna give myself a challenge. Every day, you know, when I had a, when I was afraid of girls, I was like, every time I see a girl that gives me butterflies, I'm gonna go up to them and start a conversation. And it's terrifying. And I'm sweating and I'm stumbling over my words. And people rejected me the first few times, but I just kept doing it.

• 33:29Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 33:30Lewis Howes?

  The girl said, hi.

• 33:31Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 33:32Lewis Howes?

  To see you. And you get a little confidence.

• 33:34Marisa Peer?

  Sure.

• 33:34Lewis Howes?

  Until, you know, by the end of the summer.

• 33:36Marisa Peer?

  Hmm.

• 33:37Lewis Howes?

  When I was a teenager, it was like, every girl was talking to me.

• 33:39Marisa Peer?

  Of course.

• 33:40Lewis Howes?

  And I tell people, you gotta embrace the fear until the fear disappears.

• 33:44Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 33:44Lewis Howes?

  Similar with the feelings.

• 33:46Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 33:46Lewis Howes?

  You gotta live in the feelings until, what would you say?

• 33:49Marisa Peer?

  Feel the feeling to no longer requires to be felt.

• 33:52Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 33:53Marisa Peer?

  Because what you're really describing so eloquently is you had a massive fear of rejection, talking to girls, speaking in public, asking.

• 34:01Lewis Howes?

  Feeling enough.

• 34:02Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, someone asking to employ you or pay you. So we have a great fear of rejection, which is not surprising, because when we're born, we, we, we have two drivers, find connection, avoid rejection. After all, if a mother rejects a child, if a lion rejects the cub, he's not gonna be adopted, it will die.

• 34:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 34:20Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, or it just starves to death. And so we know innately that our survival on the planet is linked to not being rejected. And not that long ago, you would have died from rejection, you know, in, in, a thousand years ago, when they banished you outside the walls of the city, or you marooned a difficult sailor, or you cast someone out of the community, you pretty much died. There was nothing out there but purgatory. So we have a wiring that says rejection will kill me. And that's why you had the fear. But when you can dialogue with the other girl, no, it feels like it will kill me. It can't kill me because no girl can reject me unless I give her my permission.

• 34:59Lewis Howes?

  Right, give them my power.

• 35:00Marisa Peer?

  You can't reject me unless I agree with everything. I don't like you because you've got short hair. I don't like your shirt. I don't like you because you're white, not white at all, short. Glasses not. But when you say you can't reject me, I'm, I can't be rejected, because the only person you can reject me is me. You can talk to girls, realizing even if they say, no, you're not my type, I'm with someone, no thanks, or even, ew, not no. They can only reject you if you let that in. And all schools should be teaching kids, you cannot be rejected. You can ask for a pay rise. You can ask for crowdfunding. You can go to someone and go, here's my idea. You can write a book, speak in public. Because I work with a lot of actors who say, I'm so scared of rejection.

• 35:44Marisa Peer?

  I'm like, well, how are you gonna be an actor then?

• 35:46Lewis Howes?

  Because you're supposed to be rejected all the time.

• 35:47Marisa Peer?

  So you and I write books. For everyone who loves it, there's gonna be the odd person who goes, I hate this book and I hate that writer too. But we don't let it in. We have to laugh about it. When you give a YouTube talk, I mean, I've got, one of my talks got like three million views. And there's a few in there going, I hate her. Stuck up English snob. But they don't know me, because that's not me at all. But I don't go, oh my god, I can never write another book. I can, I'm okay, because I don't let it in. Because the only opinion that matters is my opinion. I know I'm not a stuck up English snob. So that can't hurt me. Because if it did, I wouldn't be sharing it with you.

• 36:22Lewis Howes?

  Right, yeah. So if everyone's giving you negative feedback or critical feedback on who you are, your performance, your work. How does someone not let it affect them? How does someone say, okay, it came in and it came out?

• 36:36Marisa Peer?

  That's such a great question. So if someone just comes in and goes, I hate that shirt. Or that color is so not you. Or you should never have cut your hair. Or whoa, you've got a bit heavy. You just go, thanks for sharing that. Just a really simple thing which says, thank you for sharing your opinion. Which I can choose to not let in. You don't have to do anything else. When the minute you go, well, your shirt's pretty awful. Or, look at your hair. Or, calling me heavy, you look, you look anorexic. You've let it in. And now you're trying to retaliate. And it's like a game of tennis. If you put down your racket and walk off the court, you can't volley. So the first thing to say is, thanks for sharing that.

• 37:18Marisa Peer?

  And it's very good for the little barbs we get from people. Family, friends, sisters, cousins, exes.

• 37:25Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 37:26Marisa Peer?

  Um. If someone is really mean and says, you know, I listened to your talk on YouTube. Oh, my god, you stank up the place. I was embarrassed for you. Then you go back and you say, I missed that. Could you repeat that for me slowly? They were usually not bothered because they know that in you asking them to repeat it slowly, you're gonna call them out on it. And they usually go, oh, me and my big mouth. I'm just having a bad. I didn't actually really watch you anyway. Just ignore me. And if they do, you must not go after them and go, no, I want you to just repeat it right now. Say it to my face. Don't do that because a bit like a lion who bears the teeth, they're saying back off and I don't wanna attack you. When a lion bears its teeth, you don't go up to it. You walk away. It gives you a chance

• 38:11Marisa Peer?

  to retract. So saying, could you repeat that slowly? Is giving the person a chance to retract. They almost always do, but occasionally they'll come back and go, no. I just said you're so wooden as a speaker, it's an insult to wood. And then you have your third reaction, which is, oh, are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? Amazingly, they usually go, no. No, me? No, I thought I should tell you how bad you are. Cause you need to get help or never speak in public again or. I mean, I had a nanny once who was so awful. I had to say to her, darling, you're wonderful, but you're not meant to be a nanny. And I didn't criticize her. I just advised her to go and do something else and we're still friends. Sometimes people think that the criticism and the barbs and the

• 38:55Marisa Peer?

  humor are a good way to give you a message. So when you say you're trying to hurt my feelings, they often say no. When you're being bullied at school, if you say that, they go, yeah, I really am. I want to hurt your feelings. That's the point, dummy. Why? Because it's a domination. Bullying is just dominating. It's a bit like a seesaw. The bully feels there at the bottom and you're above them and they can only diminish you. Or embellish themselves to be above you on this little seesaw.

• 39:23Lewis Howes?

  So they feel inferior.

• 39:24Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 39:24Lewis Howes?

  A bully feels inferior.

• 39:25Marisa Peer?

  Feel inferior. So let's imagine you, you're poor, your dad drinks, you don't have any money. And there's this kid with new trainers and new backpack. And they come up and say, you're just a faggot, or you're gay. Because they want, they can't really embellish themselves. So the next option is let me diminish you.

• 39:44Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 39:44Marisa Peer?

  I mean, you, the embellishment is, I'm, you're the, no one in my family has been divorced. So when we fight, it must be your fault. I mean, you're from divorced people. Or, well, I've got a degree and you haven't, or I've already raised a kid and I've got no problem with those ones. So this must be your fault. So you can embellish yourself, but if you can't, you go into diminishment. And so when, when, when someone says, yes, I am trying to hurt your feelings. You simply reply, well, it's not going to work because I'm not letting that in. And I was in my garden last week filming an anti-bullying program, which we're giving away to every school. And I had these kids and this little girl was saying, um, I'm not letting that in. That's not going to work. And I said, how do you feel? She goes, I feel so good.

• 40:28Marisa Peer?

  Because he's not hurting my feelings. I'm not letting it in. He can't hurt me because I'm just saying, I'm not going to let that in. And then when it was his turn, he said, I'm kind of running, I'm becoming demotivated to bully her. I'm totally demotivated and I was enjoying it. Because he got to the horrible things. He said, I'm so demo, I'm running out of stuff to say because she just won't let it in. And then they switched and she said the same thing. What's the point? He's not letting it in. I just, just want to stop this now.

• 40:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:56Marisa Peer?

  So that's the fourth option. Well, that won't work because I'm not letting it in. And the fifth um, stage is to say, particularly with adults, like if you have a bullying coworker, do you know? Since we're sharing here, you do know, don't you, that people who are critical have so much criticism reserve for themselves. They actively dislike themselves and you're actually showing me and the entire office that you really don't like yourself.

• 41:23Lewis Howes?

  By critiquing me.

• 41:24Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, by critiquing, you're just showing me. Yeah, critical people always have criticism reserve for themselves. They are full of self-criticism, but they reflect it out. And superior people and happy people always praise and people who feel inadequate always criticize. Because criticize withers you and praise builds you up. And if you can use those five things, thanks for sharing. Could you repeat that? Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Won't work, I'm not letting it in. Since we're sharing, did you know what is running your critical behaviour? You don't let it in and being able to not let in criticism. That too will change your life. It it makes you bulletproof. You can't stop being mean.

• 42:07Marisa Peer?

  And having a horrible day. We now have trolling, which is becoming an epidemic, so. It's actually worse. Our kids used to get bullied at school. And go home to a sanctuary.

• 42:18Lewis Howes?

  Now they're bullied online.

• 42:18Marisa Peer?

  Now they're bullied online, on the phone. And it's, it never ends and they feel really attacked and. See, when you find trolls, they're usually really miserable. And unhappy, but they love the power because they have no power. They live on their own. Or with their mum, they have no life. I mean, we had a terrible situation in England where somebody was trolling. This person whose child had been kidnapped and when they exposed her, she killed herself.

• 42:44Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 42:45Marisa Peer?

  Which was a terrible thing for her, but obviously her sense of shame that she was outed. And to kill herself, but she must have felt terrible. I felt so sorry for her. But she was very vicious in her trolling, but that's a really unhappy person. She needed a lot of help. But when you can teach people to come back from criticism without fighting or going, well, I hate you too, or. You're all shut up or crying when you can just teach them, look. I'm not letting it. It's like if I try to give you a gift, you go, I don't need that gift. I'm holding the gift. I can't give you something if you don't take it. I can't serve papers on you unless you accept them. I can't serve a volley to you unless you volley it back.

• 43:28Marisa Peer?

  So when you learn that people can try and give you anything, but if you don't accept it. You haven't let it in. And if you don't let it in, it can't hurt you. It just hurts the person who's left holding it.

• 43:40Lewis Howes?

  Years ago, I used to, when I got early in my career, I would react to. Any negative comment that I got online, Twitter, Facebook, whatever it might be. Anything that was critical towards me, it was like I had to defend myself. You don't know this.

• 43:54Marisa Peer?

  Because you let it in.

• 43:55Lewis Howes?

  I let everything in. I let everything control, consume me. So I was driven to be perfect. To try to like never let anyone critique me. And then when they did, I was like, you don't know me, you don't know this. And I remember feeling so exhausted.

• 44:11Marisa Peer?

  Of course.

• 44:12Lewis Howes?

  Trying to reply and be defensive and whatever it may be. And sometimes these arguments online, we go back and forth for days and weeks. Just waiting for it.

• 44:22Marisa Peer?

  And then you forget what you've even argued about in the first place.

• 44:24Lewis Howes?

  And a good coach of mine at one point, he saw me, this was years ago, saw me like, I'd gotten a lot better, but still five years ago, I like, tried to defend myself with like a very positive response that was like, well, here's why I did this, this and this, but nothing negative back, right? And he called me out, he said, listen, don't even respond like that. Just say thank you for the feedback, period.

• 44:47Marisa Peer?

  Thanks for sharing.

• 44:48Lewis Howes?

  Exactly what you said, just like, thank you for the feedback. And let it go.

• 44:52Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 44:52Lewis Howes?

  And really now I think about, you know, the biggest critics are the ones who aren't creating. If you're, you don't see an author, you never go on Amazon and leave a negative review for another author.

• 45:02Marisa Peer?

  No, I have a cushion, yeah. And it says, there's never been a statue erected to a critic. And I gave it to one of my clients who's an actor.

• 45:09Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 45:09Marisa Peer?

  And it was such a great, so there's never been a statue or a monument erected to a critic.

• 45:14Lewis Howes?

  That's great, yeah.

• 45:15Marisa Peer?

  We had a critic in London, a critique, play critic, and he actually wrote a play and it was absolutely hammered. And he went, I never realized what I was doing to people, how much I hurt them when I reviewed them, thought it was funny to make a joke that they were expensive. Oh my God, this book should not be put down. Indeed, it should be thrown as far away from the unfortunate reader as possible.

• 45:36Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 45:37Marisa Peer?

  He wrote that and then people started to get their own back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The trouble with this book is once you put it down, you simply can't pick it up again. That's funny, isn't it? But not for the person who wrote it.

• 45:49Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. Wow, this is fascinating. What do you, what do you think is your greatest challenge that you face internally? Personal challenge as someone who's helped thousands, tens of thousands of people personally?

• 46:03Marisa Peer?

  Oh, my greatest challenge, yeah. I suppose it's not a challenge to get more people to understand it because people need it. You know, we all need to be nourished, you know, we need into, we need nourishment. Our soul needs to be nourished. It's not about organic avocados from Erwan market. That's great, but we all need this emotional nourishment, so. Is it a challenge getting more people to accept it? I don't think it is, because everyone I see go, oh my god, I love that. And some will go, you know, I I listen to you, oh, that's rubbish. But then I found myself going into the garage and saying nice stuff to myself. So maybe my only challenge, but even then it's not a challenge, is I would say half the medical profession love what I do.

• 46:48Marisa Peer?

  And really go for it and go, oh my god, this is amazing, I'm using it with my own patients. And the other half go, this is all silly. You know, illness is caused by disease, that you can't talk yourself better. Talking to yourself doesn't make any difference. You can't possibly give birth just using positive affirmations. It's like if if you had cancer and you had a very good oncologist, you might go, look, you know, the way you think. The way you eat, the way you act, the way you rest can all affect. And they'll go, no, you got cancer, chemotherapy, there's nothing else that will work. And all that stuff is hocus pocus. So that is a challenge, but it's not so much, because I find so many doctors love what I do and go, wow. You know, all these illnesses, autoimmune illnesses.

• 47:32Marisa Peer?

  Many years ago, there was a wonderful psychiatrist in London called Dr Mortley. And he had a great expression, it's always been my favorite, and it says. The feeling that cannot find its expression in tears may cause other organs to weep. So he knew a hundred years ago.

• 47:48Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 47:49Marisa Peer?

  So beautiful and so true.

• 47:51Lewis Howes?

  The feeling that.

• 47:53Marisa Peer?

  Cannot find its expression in tears will cause other organs to weep. So he's sort of saying, if you don't feel the feeling, your body's gonna feel it. If you don't open your mouth and say, you hurt me, don't be surprised if you get a screaming. I've got this screaming headache, I've got this angry red rash, I've got this thumping pain. And by the words they're using, angry, screaming, they're saying, I have rage. That can't come out.

• 48:20Lewis Howes?

  Expressing it, but it's expressed through my body.

• 48:22Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, cause the body is very clever at finding something. I worked with someone who couldn't walk and all she ever, I can't stand there. I can't stand my ex, I can't stand my love, I can't stand my kisses and you can't stand up. Isn't that interesting? She had sort of phantom leg pains because she couldn't stand anything. Belima's also, well, what makes me sick is my sister in law, oh, I'm so sick of her, she just makes me sick. I vomit in my mouth every time I hear her voice and then they wonder why they believe it.

• 48:51Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 48:52Marisa Peer?

  Because our words that really affect our reality, partly because, and it's such an easy thing to say.

• 49:00Marisa Peer?

  Every word you say is a blueprint that your mind, body and psyche are working to make your reality. So we, we, we make our thoughts and our thoughts make us, then we go out into the world and we justify our thoughts every day. But we, our words are a blueprint and when you know that, you think, well, I better pay attention to that blueprint. I better not say this kid is killing me. My job is making me want to die. I'm so stressed out by what, the queue in Hughes Market. Well, go to Zimbabwe where there is no Hughes Market and there is no queue. And there's no money to buy food anyway, then you can say you're stressed because your problem, the queue in Arowan and the bill. Is someone else's fantasy dream come true?

• 49:46Marisa Peer?

  You, this freeway is killing you, you have a car.

• 49:50Lewis Howes?

  You have a job to go to.

• 49:51Marisa Peer?

  People on four buses, I used to take my daughter to school and I'm on one day thinking that. It is torture, what, the traffic, yeah, the traffic, the queue. People keep ringing me, the phone ringing, it's torture, well, maybe if it didn't ring, that might be worse. Some of my clients or models will say my life is because people look at me. It's like, really? Well, one day they won't and then you might miss it. Yeah, but I get on a plane and guys hit on me, it's a nightmare. Well, put on a baseball hat and glasses, read a book. Then they'll leave you alone. But that's not a nightmare, it's just mildly inconvenient, it's not.

• 50:28Marisa Peer?

  It's not killing you, but we use these incredible words. This is torture, this is killing me, this is a disaster. What is, well, I went to the bathroom and I forgot to pause my movie. That's not a disaster, but when you use those words, because your mind can't differentiate, it's to feel like it really is a disaster.

• 50:48Lewis Howes?

  The flip side of this, the beautiful part, if we, when we understand and appreciate that our thoughts become reality.

• 50:55Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 50:56Lewis Howes?

  We can create the life of our dreams as well.

• 50:58Marisa Peer?

  Absolutely.

• 50:59Lewis Howes?

  We can start to manifest our thoughts by visualizing, by telling ourselves what we want, who we want to become.

• 51:05Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 51:05Lewis Howes?

  And taking those actions toward it, we can manifest our dreams.

• 51:08Marisa Peer?

  You really can, you can stop being ill, you can change the shape of your body, you can change your digestion, you can have physical things, you can change the way you interact with your kids, so here's a good example, my kid is a nightmare, change that to my child is age appropriate.

• 51:25Lewis Howes?

  There you go.

• 51:26Marisa Peer?

  This builder's gonna go, oh my god, that's a disaster. But a good builder goes, it's a challenge. When you said talking to girls is terrifying, you just changed that to it's challenging, but hey, there's hundreds of girls out there, it's a numbers game, one will say yes.

• 51:41Lewis Howes?

  Someone will say hi, yeah.

• 51:41Marisa Peer?

  And even if they say no, the only risk in life is not to take the risk.

• 51:45Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 51:45Marisa Peer?

  That's the risk, if you don't, when you take the risk and it goes wrong, you learn something.

• 51:50Lewis Howes?

  It gives you feedback for how to show up differently the next time. My girlfriend's a doctor of physical therapy, and when she works on people, she would agree with everything you're saying, because people's bodies are so tight, not because of something they tore, or something sore, but it's because they're holding on to something emotionally.

• 52:08Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, of course.

• 52:09Lewis Howes?

  And she says, once they start to talk, their bodies relax, and the pain goes away.

• 52:14Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, I know that to be true.

• 52:15Lewis Howes?

  All the pain where they can't lift their shoulder, they can't turn their neck, most they let it out their feelings.

• 52:19Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 52:19Lewis Howes?

  About their relationship, or their insecurities, or whatever it may be.

• 52:22Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 52:23Lewis Howes?

  That's when they have a pain-free body.

• 52:25Marisa Peer?

  Because the body keeps score, the body holds on to pain, and stress, and tension, and grief, and we carry around all this stuff, and yet, we really don't have to, if just more people knew, even to say I'm enough every day.

• 52:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 52:41Marisa Peer?

  And to say, another of my favorite things goes, I'm choosing this and I'm choosing to feel great. I'm choosing to work on my website all weekend. I'm choosing to go to the gym. I don't love it, but I love having a six pack. I'm choosing to say no to Krispy Kreme donuts and yes to apples.

• 52:56Lewis Howes?

  Love Krispy Kremes.

• 52:57Marisa Peer?

  Do you?

• 52:58Lewis Howes?

  I could eat twelve of them right now. Oh, they're so good. But I choose the healthy.

• 53:03Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, and if you say, I'm choosing to do this and choosing to feel great about it, your mind has a very clear image. The way you feel about everything is down to two things, the pictures you make in your head and the words you say to yourself, there's nothing else. So if you choose to run going, I'm running, so I'm raising money for charity. So I'm gonna complete this run. Even though my feet hurt, my knee hurts because I'm gonna raise money. But you could run going, oh, I hate this. It's so, I could be at home watching Netflix, I haven't eaten, and now my knee hurts, and then you'll have to stop. So when you keep saying, I'm choosing it.

• 53:38Lewis Howes?

  Because, yeah.

• 53:38Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, so if you're an Olympic athlete, you would choose to get up at four AM and train. If you are a diabetic, you choose to put a needle in your arm. If you wear lenses, you choose to jab your finger in your eye. But you don't go, oh, I hate it. I don't, I can't accept it and I can't change it. And when you say, I'm choosing to study, to work on, to go and talk to this girl I really like, or to put good food in my body, and I'm choosing to feel great about that too, there is no resistance. When you go, I want donuts and I can't have them, I gotta eat this frigging rabbit food. What your mind does is it increases desire for donuts. Because you said, I want donuts, but I can't have them. I want pizza, I'm eating kale.

• 54:22Lewis Howes?

  I can't have these, but I choose to do this.

• 54:24Marisa Peer?

  I can eat pizza every day. When I'm ninety-five, I'm gonna knock myself out with pizza. But right now, I actually wanna look really good in my clothes, maybe out of them too. So I'll save the pizza when I'm eighty, because that door is probably shut then anyway. Then you can have loads of pizza.

• 54:39Lewis Howes?

  Every day.

• 54:40Marisa Peer?

  But you have to reason with your mind and negotiate. And your mind will always do what it thinks you want, that's its job. And if you could only tell your mind what you want, using relevant, up-to-the-minute words, you'll get exactly what you want.

• 54:55Lewis Howes?

  What do you struggle with telling your mind? Is there anything that you?

• 55:01Marisa Peer?

  Um, it took me a long time to tell my mind not to eat sugar. I still look at it and go, it looks so nice.

• 55:07Lewis Howes?

  That's me.

• 55:07Marisa Peer?

  But um, I still look at candy. The other day I was really tired and I went into a shop to get coffee and they had jars of jellies and I thought I could eat all of those.

• 55:16Lewis Howes?

  All of it.

• 55:16Marisa Peer?

  But I'm choosing not to and I just had the coffee. So, working out, you know, and we're on a schedule, sometimes just finding the time to go to the gym or do yoga, making the time. Yeah, that's probably the only two, really eating healthy food all the time, even on a plane. Even sometimes where there is no healthy food, then you've got to wait. And choosing to make myself excellent when I don't want to. But other than that, nothing really, cause I'm I couldn't do what I do unless I was really good at dialogue with my mind is my best friend. It's my, the best P A I've ever had. And it does what I want, cause I give it clear instructions.

• 55:56Lewis Howes?

  What do you say yourself on a daily basis? Is there like a process in the morning, afternoon or night or what would it be like?

• 56:03Marisa Peer?

  Actually, when I wake up, the first thing I always say is I love my life. I love my linen and I love my cup of tea. I always wake up going, I love my life. And then when I make my go, I love this tea. I love the coffee. I love the shower gel in my shower. Because I, I really believe that if you can make your mind get excited by little things, then big things every day is like Christmas. And I think when you wake up, you should go, oh, what have I got today? Oh, a world of stress. I've got this, this, this, this, this. So you should always wake up and go, I love my life. I'm alive in a free country. I've got all this stuff to make tea. And life is great. So I do that.

• 56:46Marisa Peer?

  The second thing I do is I tend to stay in bed and do all my emails, cause then I feel like I'm not working. Cause I'm in bed, propped up, drinking my tea and I get all of that out of the way. Yes, very relaxed. Not stressed. I try not to have to rush to go to, but sometimes I do. And um, I mean, I'm very lucky, cause I love what I do and I do what I love. Obviously you work really hard. I go, I've never worked a day in my life. I don't know what that is. I don't have to go, where's the, my life is a weekend. People say, oh, the weekend. I go, what's a weekend? I can take time off. I mean, I love my job, cause I get to make such a difference. So I don't really have much to moan about. Maybe communicating with my daughter is sometimes a challenge

• 57:30Marisa Peer?

  because I'm so positive that she occasionally wants me to be super negative.

• 57:34Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 57:34Marisa Peer?

  Well, I guess because you have to be the opposite of your parents. So I do all these positives. She's an artist and she does lots of negative statements on her paintings, on her T-shirts because that's the deal. You've got to be the opposite of your parents. But I understand that. But she's great. But really, I don't have much to complain about.

• 57:54Lewis Howes?

  You have a positive conversation with yourself pretty much 24/7. What about a nightly routine? Do you have thoughts that you say to yourself?

• 58:03Marisa Peer?

  Um, well, you see, for me, I really believe that first it's what you do and then it's who you are. So first you're doing it and then it's who you are. And it's so who you are that it wouldn't occur to you to have to make yourself do it. See, I would never sit on the couch like, my case is lost. I just know it. It's all going to go wrong. There's no cabs out there. This is a horrible flight. I now have a belief, and it really is me, that there's no such thing as being bored. If my flight is late, I mean, I just get on my laptop, on my phone. I mean, it's, I have 20 hour entertainment empty out. My emails, look at something, the days of having to wait and being bored, even waiting in the car. My little phone is like everything, books, messages, videos.

• 58:47Marisa Peer?

  And so I love that. I don't really mind about missing stuff and being late anymore. In fact, when I was last landing here two weeks ago, I was hoping the movie, because I was so into this movie.

• 58:59Lewis Howes?

  Hopefully it's delayed, yeah.

• 59:00Marisa Peer?

  It was delayed. When the pilot said, we've got to go around, it was like, oh, that's so great. That's exactly how long is left of this movie. But I think it's important for people to understand that it isn't what you do. It's a bit like people who say, I've done yoga every day and now it's just my soul. Like Meghan Markle said, that yoga is in my soul. I don't do yoga. Yoga is part of my life. It's like you don't say, I walk my dog. If you've had a dog for twenty, just get up, pick up the lead. And it's, it's who you are, not what you do. And so for me, it really isn't what I do, because it's so a part of me. And I like it. And so I'm quite lucky that I'm pretty happy and positive. But I really do love my life, and that's a good thing.

• 59:45Lewis Howes?

  If you believe it to be true.

• 59:46Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, you are what you believe. It says that in the Bible, man is what he believes. You can choose whatever you wish, negative, positive, you get to choose. What you can't choose is what you do to your body and your health and your negative. You can't choose that. I could say, I'm just a negative person, but overhears a positive person. We all can choose to do that, but you can never choose how you ruin your health, defeat your immune system, paralyze your autoimmune system, affect your nervous system. What goes on in your body when you're negative is horrific, because the body can't choose. It has to react to negative. You make cortisol, that's a stress hormone.

• 1:00:30Marisa Peer?

  That shuts down fertility. It lays down fat. So all the stuff you're doing when you're negative, giving yourself heart attacks and strokes and high blood pressure, all because you're choosing to be negative. When you come over to the positive world, which is so much better, you have better health. You live longer. You look twenty years younger. That's a good thing, too. Because all the stress leaves your face. You don't have to take laxatives and all those antacids and stuff that people take because of their thinking.

• 1:01:02Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend. On social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter.

• 1:01:46Lewis Howes?

  And now it's time to go out there and do something great.