Armchair Anonymous: Spring Break

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy spring break story. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 0:05Dax Shepard?

  Today is crazy spring break disaster stories.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  Spring break.

• 0:12Dax Shepard?

  What a ripe place for a disaster. There's so much alcohol consumption.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:16Dax Shepard?

  You're on the road, you're out of your known environment.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  You have freedom for maybe the first time.

• 0:22Dax Shepard?

  You have very high expectations.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  That's right. That's right.

• 0:26Dax Shepard?

  This is, it's a lethal combo.

• 0:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:29Dax Shepard?

  Guess what? Things go wrong. Please enjoy crazy spring break disasters.

• 0:35Speaker 02

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• 1:03Dax Shepard?

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• 1:28Speaker 03

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• 2:08Speaker 03

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• 2:47Speaker 04

  Hello.

• 2:48Dax Shepard?

  Hello. Is this Mary?

• 2:50Speaker 04

  This is Mary.

• 2:51Dax Shepard?

  What are all these fun posters behind you?

• 2:52Speaker 04

  Ari Shafir signed our poster. We love to go to comedy shows, me and my boyfriend. And then out of the park, I'm from Cleveland, so it's a Cleveland Indians little kid hitting a ball. And we just got back from Vegas in December, so there's our cash out voucher. There's like nothing on it.

• 3:08Speaker 04

  And then that's from a brewery in Montana that says Maverick Mary and I insisted I had it because it was my name. These are all very personal. These ones aren't. That's Joe Dirt, just a favorite movie.

• 3:18Dax Shepard?

  And are you currently in Cleveland or where are you at now?

• 3:21Speaker 04

  I am in Cleveland, born and raised.

• 3:23Dax Shepard?

  Great. And you have a spring break story?

• 3:25Speaker 04

  A disaster of a story, yes.

• 3:27Dax Shepard?

  Yay, the worse the better.

• 3:28Speaker 04

  It was 2017, my senior year of college. It was my birthday weekend, actually. I was turning 22 and a bunch of girls and guys from my sorority and fraternity that we were close with decided to go to Fort Lauderdale. So our first big trip, my parents weren't really thrilled, but we did it. So the first two days went really, really well, you know, just drinking, pool, beach, typical spring break. But that third day I was really hungover, so I decided I was like, oh, I don't think I'm gonna drink today. It always starts off that way. But I actually did stay sober. So we're at the beach and one thing about me is I cannot pee in the ocean. Like I'm just super pee shy.

• 4:07Dax Shepard?

  Can you articulate your fear? Is that that something's gonna go back up your urethra after you open it? Or it'll attract an animal?

• 4:14Speaker 04

  I don't think something's gonna go up there. I think it's just the pressure of I have to like really focus. There are people around.

• 4:20Dax Shepard?

  You're not stable enough, too much motion?

• 4:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, too much motion. I need to be just right. So I was like, okay. I'm gonna head back to the hotel to go pee by myself. The sand is extremely hot, so I just grab any shoes I could find. And they were like my friend's size 12 Crocs. I go back to the hotel, I go pee, called my mom, check in like, hey, everything's going great. And then I was heading back down to go back to the beach. And the road that I had to cross to get back to the beach was A1A. So I don't know if you guys are familiar, but one of those main drags. So it was four lanes of traffic, two coming each way.

• 4:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 4:57Speaker 04

  So there was multiple people standing with me in the crosswalk. And I looked to the left because that was the direction that the cars were coming. And the vehicle in the lane closest to me had stopped. So I thought I had the all clear. And then I started to walk and then all of a sudden, everything went black. No. Yes. So I'm not sure how many minutes passed by, but when my eyes opened, I was lying on the asphalt in the middle of the street and people are yelling that I couldn't move my neck and then do not get up. The asphalt was burning me, it was so hot. It was a 90 degree day. Someone from the hotel actually ran to get a towel to put underneath me. And mind you, all I was wearing was a little black, one-piece bathing suit with these men's size 12 Crocs laying in the middle of A1A.

• 5:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, the thing I'm most worried about is the asphalt burning your skin.

• 5:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:45Dax Shepard?

  Went from getting flattened like a pancake to now sizzling like a sunny side up egg.

• 5:50Speaker 04

  It turned out that I was hit by a minivan that was in the further lane that did not stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk. And the van ended up being an Uber that was actually driving around other spring breakers. Oh, okay.

• 6:02Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow, a lot of witnesses.

• 6:03Speaker 04

  So this caused so much commotion. You know, there's 30 of my closest friends on the beach that everyone's obviously being nosy like, what the heck's going on? They knew I went to go pee, but didn't think they're going to see me laying in the middle of the road. So my college roommate Hannah ended up seeing that with me and she came sprinting over. Again, I'm the only sober one, so that sobered her up really, really quick. As I'm getting on the stretcher, going into the ambulance, she's like yelling at the paramedics, please let me in. They're like, ma'am, you're in a bikini. You cannot come in here like that. So she literally grabbed anyone's clothes. I don't even know what she was wearing. I think she was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. And some random shoes. None of it belonged to her.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  Since when do hospitals not allow you to come in unless you're like dressed properly?

• 6:44Dax Shepard?

  That happened to me in that rollover accident. They don't want the liability of a second person on board. Like they just don't want to take any passengers. They're not a Uber service, not insured to carry passengers, you know? I mean, I think they should. I'm just saying what I know to be the case.

• 7:00Speaker 04

  So I think that they realized how scared and stressed I was. So once she had clothes, they allowed her in and I didn't even have my phone with me. Everyone's phones kept getting stolen on that spring break, so I left my phone in the room. So I'm just in the road with no phone, no nothing. So obviously she comes to the rescue and she comes in the ambulance with me and the paramedics couldn't disclose what had happened to me. They just kept saying like, you need to stay calm. Like we're taking you to Broward County Trauma Center. So at this point I was like questioning, did I get hit by a car or did I somehow randomly faint into the middle of traffic? Like I was really confused.

• 7:30Dax Shepard?

  And you're in such shock, you're not feeling any pain?

• 7:32Speaker 04

  No pain. I was just really scared and like immediately stabilize your neck. So I'm just laying in the stretcher like, am I going to be able to walk again? This is horrifying. So I get to the hospital. I ended up having a concussion, a cracked head, bruises on all parts of my body and 12 staples in the back of my head.

• 7:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, so you were bleeding in the back?

• 7:50Speaker 04

  It's kind of a gross photo, but I shared it with Rob.

• 7:52Dax Shepard?

  Great. We love gross photos.

• 7:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, I hate reliving it, but it's a pretty bloody head.

• 7:58Dax Shepard?

  Take a look.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  That's the wrong one.

• 8:00Dax Shepard?

  I don't know. I think Rob's being cute.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  That's for a different one or?

• 8:03Dax Shepard?

  Maybe. Oh, sorry. There's like, it was medical errors, personal injuries attorney?

• 8:09Speaker 04

  Oh no, that's part of my story.

• 8:14Speaker 04

  Oh no, we got spoiled.

• 8:15Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay, okay. Hold on now.

• 8:18Speaker 04

  Staples and then my elbows are all like banged up. So I just wasn't in the best of shape.

• 8:24Dax Shepard?

  Ooh, yeah, the top of that head. I'm gonna say that's a good four inch gash on the top of your head.

• 8:30Speaker 04

  And it's scarred. Not that you can really see. I have a lot of hair, but the story is nine years old, which is insane. The back of my head is still super sensitive.

• 8:38Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you wake up there, you have a concussion.

• 8:42Speaker 04

  Still just in this bathing suit. And I'm like, I really gotta go pee again, of course. They're like, ma'am, you can't stand up. You're just in this little bathing suit. I'm like, all right, well then give me some pants or something. And they give me the big blue hospital outfit.

• 8:53Speaker 01

  It's the most conservative hospital in America.

• 8:56Speaker 04

  You can't stand up in that bathing suit, ma'am. What's going to happen to me? So they ended up doing the MRI, the CAT scan, all those things, calling my parents. And you can imagine how that went.

• 9:09Dax Shepard?

  You had to be the first person admitted to that hospital during spring break in history that had a blood alcohol call level of zero.

• 9:16Speaker 04

  The doctor kept telling my mom on the phone, like, ma'am, her blood alcohol count is zero. Cause everyone's like, oh, she got hit by a car because she's drunk. And I'm like, no, I'm not drunk. It just was a freak accident.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Well, you know that this is like bad to say, it's kind of better to be drunk.

• 9:29Dax Shepard?

  Oh, sure.

• 9:30Speaker 01

  If you get hit because then your body doesn't.

• 9:32Dax Shepard?

  You're looser, gooser.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're goosey.

• 9:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you're all goose up.

• 9:35Speaker 04

  I don't know how I didn't have broken bones. They're like, it's really insane that something much worse didn't happen to me. So after they ran everything, the MRIs, CAT scans, a million more tests, got discharged that same day, they sent me home with some medicine and obviously I just went back to the hotel and went to bed, but I was like cleared to be a sober individual. Obviously I was not drinking.

• 9:56Dax Shepard?

  Did the pain set in at some point?

• 9:58Speaker 04

  Yeah. So that picture I shared was I got back to the hotel and all my roommates in the hotel, as well as in college, they were nursing students. So like they really are intrigued by this head of mine. But I think like then, when I got back is like all the emotions hit. And I was like, oh my God, this is insane. I was like, do I go home? Do I finish out spring break? It was still my birthday weekend.

• 10:18Dax Shepard?

  You got a rally. I'm going to say you got a rally.

• 10:20Speaker 04

  So I did.

• 10:20Dax Shepard?

  Good job.

• 10:21Speaker 04

  So I stayed, had sober fun. We went out the next night to a bar down the street from our hotel. And when we're there, I kept looking over and this person, this guy kept looking at me and staring at me. And I'm like, I have no idea who this person is. And I'm like, he's not part of our group. But it was just really strange. And he came up to me and he like put his hands like this to my face and he was like, oh my God, I can't believe you're alive. I thought you had died. And it turns out he was in the front seat of the Uber that hit me. And then they obviously kept on driving.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 10:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh, they kept driving after they hit you? Wow, with all those witnesses.

• 10:56Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 10:57Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 10:58Speaker 04

  I don't really remember how the rest of the story went, but he wanted to follow me on Instagram. So we kept in touch for a little bit post-college, but nothing ever came of it. Once I got back to Ohio, I had some time to like take everything in and I realized that Florida's a no-fault state. So that Uber driver never had to pay for anything, but I did have to file a lawsuit. So insurance would cover my medical expenses for that day, which ended up being pretty expensive and that ambulance ride. And then the reason that silly picture that you thought you're getting trolled with, Tim Mizny, he's like the most famous lawyer in Cleveland and he's known for his eyebrow. So if you look at that photo, it's just the eyebrow. There's billboards throughout Cleveland of just the eyebrow.

• 11:35Dax Shepard?

  He raises the eyebrow like The Rock does for the listener.

• 11:37Speaker 04

  The eyebrow is his thing. The billboard says nothing else, just the eyebrow.

• 11:41Dax Shepard?

  He doesn't just, Mary, raise one eyebrow. He also lowers the other one substantially.

• 11:46Speaker 04

  It's insane. I couldn't even do it if I tried, but his slogan is, we'll make them pay. And he did just that.

• 11:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. You got a hold of Mizny and he delivered.

• 11:55Speaker 04

  He delivered. He should have.

• 11:58Dax Shepard?

  I understand that it's a no fault state, but that doesn't mean you can run away from the scene of an accident. Was the guy charged with anything, the driver?

• 12:05Speaker 04

  Nothing that I ever found out.

• 12:07Speaker 01

  That's insane. That's literally a hit and run.

• 12:09Dax Shepard?

  That is quite literally a hit and then a run.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  It was both a hit and a run.

• 12:13Dax Shepard?

  There's nothing obscure about it.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  And I'm surprised the people in the Uber weren't like, hey, man.

• 12:17Dax Shepard?

  Well, they may be drunk and partying. They want to get to their thing and they're like, go, go, go. And you didn't hit anything.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 12:23Dax Shepard?

  I'm glad you didn't die because it sounds to me like you stepped in front of the car that had stopped and then continued walking and that car was probably going full pace.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 12:32Speaker 04

  And of course it was like in the crosswalk, wasn't jaywalking or anything, actually following the rules.

• 12:38Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Lord, Mary, well, I'm glad you're alive.

• 12:40Speaker 04

  Well, thank you.

• 12:41Dax Shepard?

  It's a big silver lining to this story.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  Who paid then? Who did Mizny make pay?

• 12:46Speaker 04

  With the no fault state, you basically sue your own insurance for the medical expenses.

• 12:51Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Overall, though, is still a fun spring break?

• 12:54Speaker 04

  Yeah. I mean, I'll never forget it as long as I live.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  True.

• 12:58Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's lovely meeting you, Mary.

• 13:00Speaker 04

  Really quick, this is so crazy, but my three friends skipped work. I'm gonna take my headphones out. They're your biggest fans. Have seen you guys live. Here they all come.

• 13:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my goodness. Ladies.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  Look at this group.

• 13:14Speaker 04

  I love you guys so much. Thank you for what you do. You bring us so much joy.

• 13:18Dax Shepard?

  Look how fun and cute this group is. I want to be in that living room. This looks fun.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Hope you guys have a great day.

• 13:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 13:29Speaker 04

  Thank you guys so much.

• 13:31Dax Shepard?

  Bye. Hello, is this Katie?

• 13:35Speaker 05

  This is Katie. Can you hear me okay?

• 13:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh beautifully, because you're in this sound dampened closet, following the rules.

• 13:41Speaker 05

  I'm a rule follower, sometimes. We just moved into this house, so very exciting, but I had to get all my crap put away, so I could be in the closet with some soft clothes.

• 13:49Dax Shepard?

  Kind of your welcome, I think. Anytime you get a hack to actually motivate yourself to clean is good.

• 13:55Speaker 05

  Exactly. Hundred percent. So I owe you guys, and I appreciate it.

• 13:59Dax Shepard?

  Where is the new house?

• 14:00Speaker 05

  It's in Spanish Fork, Utah. Have you heard of it?

• 14:03Dax Shepard?

  No, but where is it at?

• 14:04Speaker 05

  If you're in Salt Lake, you go south towards the national parks, you'll have gone through Spanish Fork.

• 14:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay, is it off the 15?

• 14:11Speaker 05

  Sure is.

• 14:11Dax Shepard?

  Then I've driven through for sure. Okay, well, congrats on that.

• 14:14Speaker 05

  Thank you so much.

• 14:15Dax Shepard?

  Are you a Utah native?

• 14:17Speaker 05

  I grew up in California, like Sacramento area. Oh, nice.

• 14:20Dax Shepard?

  Okay, and what brought you to Utah? A lover?

• 14:23Speaker 05

  Actually, no, but I did meet my husband here, and that's why I stayed. And then I'm also a teacher. Do you guys still like teachers? Oh my god, the most.

• 14:30Dax Shepard?

  They're tied with nurses, our favorite occupation.

• 14:33Speaker 05

  I have never had a student stick something up his butt, though. Yet. Cross your fingers, you know? Yeah. Something to look forward to, or dread.

• 14:42Dax Shepard?

  And so what year would spring break have been for you?

• 14:45Speaker 05

  I was already a teacher. It was in 2015. And 2015 feels like it was a few years ago, but it was a crisp 11 years ago. That's kind of upsetting. You're really right.

• 14:56Dax Shepard?

  Big time upsetting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:58Speaker 05

  Everyone's upset.

• 14:59Dax Shepard?

  It was always that 1980 felt like 20 years ago, but 2006 was 20 years ago. That's a beat down there, that info.

• 15:07Speaker 05

  It's like a little bit offensive, I feel like.

• 15:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's hostile.

• 15:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 15:13Speaker 05

  Okay, 2015. I'm going on a cruise. It's me and three guys. Oh. I know, very spicy. It was really fun. I was, of course, interested in one of them, who's since then has come out as gay, so I wasn't his type, and that's okay. It's almost better that way, when you find out, like, oh, they didn't like me just because I don't like women. Yeah, it's not my fault. Yeah.

• 15:35Dax Shepard?

  They're often the attractive one in the group.

• 15:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, because they're fun. They take care of themselves, you know, super cute. But anyways, I'm on this cruise.

• 15:42Dax Shepard?

  Where did it depart and where are the stops?

• 15:44Speaker 05

  It departed out of Texas, and the stops were Jamaica, Bahamas, and one more that I'm forgetting, but a Caribbean cruise. And on the boat, have you guys been on a cruise?

• 15:55Dax Shepard?

  Oh, dozens.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  But I know enough.

• 15:58Dax Shepard?

  No, you have never been on one?

• 15:59Speaker 01

  No.

• 16:00Speaker 05

  They're delightful, but there's days that you have like excursions and then there's days where you're just on the boat. And so for those boat days, they have pools, people are constantly eating ice cream cones, right? You just go and get more soft serve and they have water slides. So we're going down on these water slides and we're chatting, all the boys go before me and I'm the last one to go. And it's one of those water slides where it's almost like this big cylinder. It's very spaceship-y and you step into the cylinder and you're standing there and then it counts down. The bottom drops out from under you and you fall. To help you understand what this slide looks like, I would picture like a capital uppercase V. It's a very steep decline, very steep incline. So you go down and you shoot back up.

• 16:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. Okay. Well, your momentum's gonna carry you up through the transition. Think about the second hill of a roller coaster. You're on the top one that's steeper. It goes down and then it shoots up another hill.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  It's just your body, not in a tube. That's tricky.

• 16:55Speaker 05

  I agree with you. And the slide is the closed tube slide, but not to be confused with a floaty. And it's sort of like a turquoise color and these all come into play. So that's why I'm giving you these random details. So I go down the sharp decline and then I go up and Monica, it's just what you're saying. I do not make it over that second hill. And so I'm falling backward and it's a closed, dark slide.

• 17:20Speaker 05

  It's scary. It's the bottom of the V. So I'm just sitting there like, well, what do I do now? And so for just a minute, I panicked and I just punched the edges of the slide.

• 17:29Dax Shepard?

  For the listener, that was the cutest barrage of punches she threw. It's like, you imagine a rabbit trying to punch out of a sandwich bag?

• 17:35Speaker 05

  I was like, well, that did not work, unfortunately. And I also remembered we'd been standing in line and chatting with the guy behind us. The guy behind us was like six, five.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck.

• 17:45Speaker 05

  A big dude. And I'm like, they're gonna not see me. It's too twisty. They don't know if I came out the other end. They're just counting and they're gonna send the next person.

• 18:03Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Instagram teen accounts. So we talk a lot on this show about how the world is different now than when we were growing up. And one of the biggest differences is obviously social media. And I think a lot of people wonder, okay, what's actually being done to make it safer for teenagers?

• 18:19Speaker 01

  Which is a fair question.

• 18:21Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so Instagram has got something called teen accounts and they come with automatic protections built in by default. So anyone between 13 and 17 is automatically placed into this experience. They get age appropriate content settings, contact limits, so that by default, only people they're already connected to can message them. And time management tools, daily time limit reminders, and also sleep mode that mutes notifications from 10pm to 7am.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Sleep mode is genius.

• 18:48Dax Shepard?

  Right? And here's the thing, for anyone under 16, a parent has to give permission to change any of those settings to be less strict. The guardrails are on and Instagram keeps building new safety features to create age appropriate experiences for teens.

• 19:03Speaker 01

  I am really glad Instagram is helping to give parents peace of mind with teen accounts.

• 19:08Dax Shepard?

  Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts.

• 19:24Dax Shepard?

  I'm more thinking about the water must be able to exit the bottom of the V so it doesn't collect and fill up the tube.

• 19:31Speaker 05

  You're so smart. I wasn't thinking any of that. I was just like, how am I going to get out of here? But then I was sitting there and I saw a light in front of me and I kind of scooted forward. And exactly, there was a little hole kind of cut into the slide at the top. I don't know if it's for the water collecting or because people were getting stuck.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:48Speaker 05

  Who's to say? So I stood up in that hole. So I'm like standing up and there's just a water slide on both sides of me. And my legs are in there and I'm kind of looking around.

• 19:58Dax Shepard?

  Now you look like a gopher. You went from a rabbit punching to a gopher sticking his head out of this hole.

• 20:02Speaker 05

  What am I supposed to do? I'm just standing here like a loser. And there's a family just eating ice cream cones because Monica, when you go on a cruise, you'll know. You just eat ice cream cones all day. You go back in, you get another ice cream cone.

• 20:14Dax Shepard?

  Illegal not to. They make you disembark if you don't.

• 20:17Speaker 05

  So they're just eating their ice cream cones, just staring at me. There's music playing, it's loud, and I could just kind of shouted at them. I got stuck.

• 20:28Speaker 05

  They can't hear. It was aggressive.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  No, you had to.

• 20:33Dax Shepard?

  Katie's like a female version of Jess. I just want to earmark.

• 20:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'll take it. They can't hear. They're eating their ice cream and they kind of just hurry away, which is rude.

• 20:42Dax Shepard?

  They didn't want to get involved. They're like, this is your problem. You wanted to go on the water slide. We knew it was too dangerous, so deal with it.

• 20:47Speaker 01

  That's so horrible.

• 20:50Speaker 05

  This seems like a you problem, babe.

• 20:52Dax Shepard?

  You're yucking our yum.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  Okay, how big is the hole? It's just fitting your neck or can your whole body?

• 20:56Dax Shepard?

  Her waist is out.

• 20:57Speaker 05

  I'm probably standing up and the slide hitting like my knee area. Oh my gosh, just my head. Can you imagine just a head sticking?

• 21:06Speaker 05

  That's even funnier. I should retell it that way.

• 21:08Dax Shepard?

  And then somehow you were rotating 360.

• 21:10Speaker 05

  I just keep shouting at everyone I pass as I go. So they kind of hustle away. And then a worker did come, a cruise ship worker came over and I couldn't see, but on the side of the slide, there was some hidden stairs and there was a gate to it. So he unlocked a gate and he came up the stairs and he helped me out. And he, somewhat annoyed with me, said, you need to relax more. That's why you got stuck. Um, like kind of aggressively.

• 21:33Dax Shepard?

  Life, less than time.

• 21:34Speaker 05

  And like, have you seen that capital V slide? Is anyone relaxing on that? And so I'm like, okay. And so he kind of helps me out. And as I'm turning the corner, I did think like, well, at least my friends went first and nobody saw that. And so I turned the corner and they're all bent over laughing because the slide was dark for me. But for them, they could see the shadow of my body, like go down, go up, not quite make it, go back down, punch the slide, stand up, yell at the family, and then be admonished by the worker.

• 22:06Dax Shepard?

  I hate to make this comparison, but I'm immediately remembering the million Drano commercials where they show like a bissection of the pipe and then they show you the claw go up and then back and then they show it get flushed.

• 22:17Speaker 05

  A hundred percent.

• 22:18Speaker 01

  Wait, I'm actually very relieved that they did the slide in a way where you can see on the outside what's happening. Cause I'm like, this is so irresponsible.

• 22:28Speaker 05

  Yeah. So I turned and they're all just laughing so hard at me. And then the cherry on top, the arm cherry on top is. After I'd stood up in the slide, my boob was out.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  Oh wow.

• 22:40Dax Shepard?

  Wow, great for them, not for you.

• 22:43Speaker 01

  That sucks. No wonder they ran away.

• 22:46Speaker 05

  Yes, they hurried their children away. It was pornographic. I feel like the mom of that family could have been like, oh honey. And like get a little gesture. It was a male worker that helped me out, so maybe he felt more weird saying something. I get it. But I'm like, I feel like someone could have told me. I talked to at least eight people before someone let me know. It was actually a delightful spring break, so I don't know if it classifies as a disaster, but slide was scary.

• 23:09Dax Shepard?

  Did you get frisky with any of the three guys?

• 23:12Speaker 05

  Two of them came out later as gay. The third one, no, we just were friends. It would have been really fun, but I wasn't anyone's type, I guess.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  Those gay guys may be hooked up.

• 23:22Dax Shepard?

  I hope. Caribbean cruise, somebody's gotta get some action.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  Maybe the other one didn't hook up with you because they were like, I saw her boob and then I'd be taking advantage.

• 23:31Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you thought he had some ethics?

• 23:32Speaker 01

  Ethical.

• 23:33Speaker 05

  That's exactly it. Had to have been that. Although my boobs are massive, so like he probably would have been like, yes.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  No, I'm sure.

• 23:39Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. So I went the other way. It's like if you saw a big mass of breasts, you'd be like, we're gonna touch that this evening.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  My point is he wanted to, but he was like, oh, that's unethical.

• 23:49Speaker 05

  He's like, I'll be a good dude. I'll wait till we're back in the States and shoot my shot there.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  I just want to commiserate with you that that happened to me on the lazy river.

• 23:57Dax Shepard?

  San Marcos River, real river.

• 23:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, real river where I fell out and almost drowned. And then when I survived, my boob was out.

• 24:04Speaker 05

  And you're like, I've been through enough.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 24:07Speaker 05

  And didn't anyone try to touch it, as mentioned?

• 24:09Speaker 01

  No, I was far away, but well, first I said, I hated that.

• 24:12Dax Shepard?

  Yelling at me immediately.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  I hated that. No, it was kind of like the slide thing. I'm stuck. And then I look over and Molly told me immediately.

• 24:19Speaker 05

  That's why you bring at least one girlfriend on a cruise, I think.

• 24:22Speaker 01

  That's such a fun story.

• 24:23Dax Shepard?

  It really is.

• 24:24Speaker 05

  Thank you. I was like, I wonder if this will count as a disaster. I'm just gonna submit it and see what happens.

• 24:29Dax Shepard?

  It's a trapping, it's a claustrophobia, it's a public nudity, it's an unauthorized evacuation of your breasts from its holster.

• 24:38Speaker 05

  I wouldn't even say an unauthorized evacuation of me from the slide. You're right.

• 24:43Dax Shepard?

  Well, just to get one more silver lining, which is I keep waiting for you to say the big lug came down and snapped your leg. Cause think about the fact that when you were standing, what a vulnerable position you were in for knee trauma. And your boob would have still been out, cause it was already out. So then it would have been broken knees, maybe second boob out, maybe bottoms off.

• 25:05Speaker 05

  Oh, bottoms would have. Maybe the fabric would have readjusted back over the boob.

• 25:09Dax Shepard?

  The universe is like, too much, too much, too much.

• 25:11Speaker 05

  Guys, I've been a fan for a long time, so this was very thrilling for me. So thanks for letting me chat with you. I loved it.

• 25:15Dax Shepard?

  It was really fun for us. You have such a fun personality. Yeah, big time. And thanks for teaching, honestly.

• 25:22Speaker 05

  Thank you. It's a wonderful job. I have told them this story sans the nudity. So I'm like, are any of them gonna listen to this and be like, my teacher never told me that boob part, but we'll find out. Well, then they'd be like, that's a good teacher I have.

• 25:33Dax Shepard?

  And then they'll have to acknowledge your teacher as a human being and they're entitled to be a full blown human being, even if they're a teacher.

• 25:40Speaker 05

  You might see them on a cruise.

• 25:42Dax Shepard?

  You might see more of them than you're expecting on the cruise. That would ruin a cruise though, if you're a teacher, if you got there with three dudes, you're hoping to hook up with one, all of a sudden you see Mikey and his family. And every time you're having fun, you'd be like, fuck, is that little shit around? If I were you, I'd go around the whole classroom and find out what their plans were for spring break and then choose in opposition to that.

• 26:03Speaker 05

  The things that happened to me, we better do that.

• 26:05Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Well, lovely meeting you. Yeah, have a great rest of your day.

• 26:09Speaker 05

  Well, see ya. Thanks you guys.

• 26:10Dax Shepard?

  Bye.

• 26:12Speaker 06

  Hello.

• 26:13Dax Shepard?

  Hi.

• 26:15Speaker 05

  What kind of squishies back there? Is that a jelly cat?

• 26:17Speaker 06

  This is a squish mellow, I think.

• 26:20Speaker 05

  Squish mellow.

• 26:21Dax Shepard?

  We've got a couple foul of those in the house. Do you have children or is that yours?

• 26:25Speaker 06

  I don't. That is mine. My little brother actually gave it to me. He passed away in October.

• 26:30Speaker 05

  Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

• 26:32Dax Shepard?

  Where are you in the world?

• 26:33Speaker 06

  So I'm actually in Bahrain.

• 26:36Dax Shepard?

  What a scary place to be currently now.

• 26:39Speaker 06

  It's definitely different right now. It's been crazy.

• 26:42Dax Shepard?

  They've been shooting drones and missiles at Bahrain.

• 26:45Speaker 06

  Yes, there was some bombs that just happened before this started. I probably won't hear them with this on, but they could be going on now, but it's been fine.

• 26:53Dax Shepard?

  And what are you doing in Bahrain? You're getting an early lead on the F1 race?

• 26:58Speaker 06

  No, I've lived here for about four years now. I work at a university. I lecture there and I really love it. Honestly, I came originally thinking it'd be maybe one or two years. I had like a fellowship with the embassy. And then after that, I just really loved it. I love the community. People are so welcoming and it became a second home for sure. So now it's very sad that this is happening.

• 27:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's a pretty sexy city, right? It's like kind of glitzy and glammy and there's water.

• 27:27Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're an island, so we've got lots of water. We've got beaches.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  So are you guys kind of on house arrest a little bit? Like everyone's staying in, I assume?

• 27:36Speaker 06

  Yes, it feels a little bit like COVID. I live in a high rise, so I'm staying with family, friends right now, just because it's a little bit safer.

• 27:44Dax Shepard?

  And what subject do you teach?

• 27:45Speaker 06

  I teach public speaking. I teach debate and I teach education for teachers.

• 27:51Dax Shepard?

  Do you ever refer to debate as a dance like Adam Grant does?

• 27:54Speaker 06

  I like that. I think it is like a dance.

• 27:56Dax Shepard?

  Do you first start by saying like, yeah, do you want to dance?

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Because sometimes you don't want to.

• 28:00Dax Shepard?

  A lot of times people don't want to debate, that's their thing.

• 28:03Speaker 06

  That's true.

• 28:04Dax Shepard?

  Those people are not invited to my dinner party, but still, I respect it. Okay, so you have a crazy spring break story?

• 28:09Speaker 06

  Yes, my story was in 2015. So I was a sophomore in college at this point. I'm from Florida originally. So I've lived in Florida up until the point that I moved to Bahrain.

• 28:19Dax Shepard?

  What part of Florida?

• 28:20Speaker 06

  A city called Lakeland, you know?

• 28:22Dax Shepard?

  I kind of do. Is it lower middle of the state?

• 28:25Speaker 06

  Yeah, pretty central, like between Tampa and Orlando. I lived there and then I went to University of Florida. So I was in Gainesville.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  Oh, that's not great for me, but that's okay. I'll let it go.

• 28:36Speaker 06

  It's a great place, but my story actually happens in Georgia.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  Oh, shit.

• 28:39Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God. Spring break in Georgia. That's mistake number one. Just kidding, Monica!

• 28:44Speaker 06

  Honestly, it was. We decided that we were gonna drive to Georgia during spring break and start hiking the Appalachian Trail. Oh. All of us are Floridians, so none of us had really camped that much before, especially on our own, maybe like with our parents when we were kids, but we rented camping equipment from our university, we rented a tent, me and my friend Michelle got some ground pads, and then we were with some siblings Kat and Samuel, and they didn't bring the ground pads. We were kind of thinking it'd be similar weather to Florida in March, so we packed some t-shirts, we filled our packs to the brim, and the night before we considered, okay, maybe it'll be cold, so we went to Burlington Coat Factory, got a coat, and then we tried

• 29:26Speaker 06

  to find gloves, couldn't find anywhere, so we ended up getting mechanic's gloves.

• 29:30Dax Shepard?

  So, pretty well thought out trip.

• 29:31Speaker 06

  Hundred percent.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  I hate to interrupt with this, but I did get lost in a Burlington Coat Factory.

• 29:37Dax Shepard?

  I remember this story.

• 29:38Speaker 06

  That's easy.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's huge, too many coats.

• 29:41Dax Shepard?

  I'm gonna add too, not only the weather is gonna be new for you, but Florida for folks who have not been, flat a state and the country, and you're gonna go to the Appalachian Trail.

• 29:49Speaker 06

  Exactly. So, we have all this equipment, we've packed tons of Cliff bars, peanut butter, our packs are full, and we drove from about 2:00 a.m. and we arrived. So, at the beginning of this semester, I actually had an emergency surgery right before the semester started, because I had a kidney stone, had the stent, had to go back to university very painfully trying to get around classes, and I had just gotten this stent out, and now we get to the trailhead, and the first thing that happens is I'm in a lot of pain when we get there, so I go to the bathroom and I start passing a kidney stone.

• 30:26Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 30:27Dax Shepard?

  Which I've been told is the worst thing ever. Can you explain the experience? Does it feel like a can opener is passing through or something? It's just like jagged?

• 30:35Speaker 06

  Yeah, and it came out, I saw it, it looks like a jagged rock, just super painful. Felt large too, I had had the surgery like where they blast it, when I first started having the pain, it does feel what I would imagine like contractions feel like, where you're in a lot of pain and then it stops, then you're in a lot of pain and then it stops.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  I also had it in college, kidney stone, and it is that, it is horrible, but I wasn't on a trail.

• 30:57Speaker 06

  Yeah. Well, I started the trail like that, so we started really strong, but I eventually come out, I tell them, I was like, listen, I just passed a kidney stone, I'm in pain, but I kind of feel better now, ready to go.

• 31:08Dax Shepard?

  I'm so sorry, I keep interrupting you. Is there blood?

• 31:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's jagged. Yeah, you should be on painkillers. Oh, yeah. But we just keep hiking and I have old tennis shoes on. We're genuinely thinking it's gonna be maybe a little bit colder than Florida. But we start seeing snow in the distance. Really, that's pretty cool. But then eventually it's pretty clear. The whole path is deep, deep snow. Ah. And we've got like our giant backpacks on and tennis shoes. So we start walking and it's so slippery that every five to 10 minutes, somebody slips. And then because our backpacks were so huge, you get stuck on the ground. Oh, my God. You're like a cockroach.

• 31:48Dax Shepard?

  And no one's suggesting turn back?

• 31:50Speaker 06

  No, no, not this point. The funny thing was this part of year is a pretty common time, I think, for people to start the through hike all the way to Maine. So people that were starting the whole hike, their backpacks were way smaller than ours even. And multiple people came and said, you guys are doing the whole hike, like there and back? Like, no, maybe just the week, five days. So as we keep hiking, Michelle ends up falling and she twists her ankle. So she can no longer carry her pack that well, but we still keep going. So me and Samuel take turns carrying one pack on the front, one on the back.

• 32:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh, fuck.

• 32:23Speaker 06

  We are trying to make it to the first campsite is our goal. Because we're doing like the approach trail, everything is pretty slanted and steep. So there's no good place to set up camp. We keep asking people that were passing, coming back, and they keep saying, you know, maybe like a mile, mile and a half, but we keep walking and it's starting to get dark. Ah. So we kind of realize we're not gonna make it. Why? Why? We set up under some trees. So we finally take everything off. We set up our tent. We put everything up because it seems like a good clearing. There's a lot of really old trees nearby. So after everything's set up, Samuel looks up and there's also a storm that's coming in. So the wind is blowing more and he's like, guys, I really don't think that we should camp here

• 33:04Speaker 06

  because I think one of the branches could fall off on top of the tent and we could be squished.

• 33:26Speaker 06

  So we pack everything up again, but it is getting really dark. So we keep walking along. We don't keep going towards the campsite, but we walk perpendicular and there's a ledge and we just start following it to see what happens. Eventually we hit a cabin and Samuel and Kat knock on the door and go inside. They go into a kitchen and they talk to a chef and they're like, hey, who stays here? Is there any chance we could stay here? They're like, no, absolutely not. You can't stay on the property at all. Like you need to get out of here. But a woman followed them out and she kind of whispers to them and she goes, listen, me and my boyfriend, we had found this clearing. So if you just walk back the way that you came, you'll see our footsteps in the snow.

• 34:02Speaker 01

  This sounds like a fairy tale, like a Hansel and Gretel.

• 34:05Dax Shepard?

  A fable. Is this woman real or not?

• 34:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, she's a ghost and then the other lady was a witch.

• 34:11Speaker 06

  It could have been.

• 34:11Dax Shepard?

  Was it the cook there in the 1700s and he's dead?

• 34:14Speaker 01

  He was cooking a person in his pot.

• 34:17Dax Shepard?

  Just a story to person, okay.

• 34:19Speaker 06

  We go back, we start looking and we're almost to a point where we're going to give up because it's getting very dark at this point. But then we actually do see what we think are footsteps going up the side of the ledge. And we're like, okay, solid, let's go.

• 34:32Dax Shepard?

  You guys are so off the trail now.

• 34:33Speaker 01

  I know.

• 34:34Dax Shepard?

  You branched off on one trail and now you're going to follow another one.

• 34:37Speaker 06

  No, at this point, how do we just kept going? We probably would have hit the spot, but we see it. So we go, we climb up. At this point, it's so dark though, so we can't really tell our surroundings. And we go ahead, we set up our camp. There seems to be a little clearing at the top of this hill. But we're kind of in a hurry because we're just tired. We want to be done. We do string our bags up into the trees for bears. We just have peanut butter with our cliff bars and then we get in the tent. So Samuel had originally wanted to steep in the hammock, but it was way too cold. At this point, like the wind is blowing, it's freezing outside. We're in deep snow, so that was not an option. So all four of us are inside the tent, but it's probably built for two people. And two of them didn't have ground pads.

• 35:17Speaker 06

  So we go to sleep, me and Michelle, but Samuel and Kat all night are up huddled against each other because they're basically directly on the snow. So at this point, I do remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing them huddled together. And I do think about it in retrospect, we probably could have adjusted and shared the pads, but we did not. They're freezing. I wake up in the morning and there's just like water falling in our tent. And the tent's also kind of caved in, so part of it's touching my face when I wake up. At this point, I find out that Kat has been wearing pantyhose for warmth under her pants.

• 35:56Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 35:57Speaker 06

  And she's so cold that I have to cut her out of them because pantyhose don't give any warmth.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's like a really not smart thing.

• 36:05Dax Shepard?

  I didn't know that. I could have accidentally worn pantyhose.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Now you know, like, they're really super thin.

• 36:11Dax Shepard?

  But it feels like it would insulate you like a wetsuit.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  They're there to just make your legs look smooth.

• 36:16Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 36:16Speaker 06

  In our haste the night before, we did not put the spokes into the tent.

• 36:20Dax Shepard?

  The spikes. You didn't hammer in the sides?

• 36:22Speaker 06

  At all. It looked flat. But we do feel there's something hard at the bottom of the tent. After I've cut her out of her tights, we kind of peek out. And the tent had slid down the mountain in the middle of the night. And the only thing that was stopping it was this branch that was coming out of the ground.

• 36:38Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  You guys, I'm sorry. I feel bad because I should feel bad, but I'm like, why'd you guys, you did this?

• 36:47Dax Shepard?

  You're mad. You're mad.

• 36:49Speaker 06

  I know.

• 36:49Dax Shepard?

  I'm not, because of course I could certainly be in this situation. I can see Erin and I tackling something with similar education.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  Your body was trying to tell you with the kidney stone, don't go.

• 36:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh, right.

• 37:00Speaker 06

  It was trying to warm me.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:02Dax Shepard?

  How far are we talking that it had slid, would you guess? How many feet?

• 37:05Speaker 06

  Maybe between 20 and 30 feet.

• 37:07Dax Shepard?

  Oh my, you guys were on a ride.

• 37:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, we didn't feel it. I think it was a very slow decline, but then this tree was what saved us.

• 37:15Dax Shepard?

  I wish you would have woke up in the cabin in your tent. It slid all the way in.

• 37:20Speaker 06

  That would have been great. At this point, we decided it was not possible, especially for Samuel and Kat that didn't have the ground pads and couldn't sleep through the night. We decided, okay, we need to hike back and we need to drive home. We cannot make it this week. We went back and we did end up going to the beach, which we probably should have started with. We went to the beach for the rest of the spring break and it ended well.

• 37:41Dax Shepard?

  And no more kidney stones?

• 37:42Speaker 06

  No more since then. That was the last one.

• 37:44Dax Shepard?

  And do they say what causes them?

• 37:46Speaker 06

  They said to drink a lot of water. I remember after that. I think it can be from a number of things, but I think some of it can just be genetic as well, but I've never had one again.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  I think some people are prone.

• 37:57Dax Shepard?

  But not a lot of water sounds familiar.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  Well, no, I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but they did say like, don't drink too much tea.

• 38:05Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  But I drink a lot of tea still.

• 38:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. That's a full blown disaster.

• 38:11Dax Shepard?

  Some people might be disappointed in your story and I love it. Sometimes those things work out.

• 38:16Speaker 06

  I feel like that's how you learn. Most of my camping stories have been similar, but I'm learning.

• 38:20Dax Shepard?

  You know, all I took from this is I was like, oh yeah, I should hike the Appalachian Trail.

• 38:24Speaker 06

  I think you could take six months and you can do the whole thing.

• 38:26Dax Shepard?

  Whoa, okay. Yeah, I'll be looking for things to do in my older age. Well, this has been a delight.

• 38:32Speaker 06

  Can I give a quick shout out to my mom?

• 38:34Dax Shepard?

  Of course.

• 38:35Speaker 06

  So she's amazing. I know my situation right now. Obviously it's tough being here with everything happening, but especially, you know, just after losing my brother in a car accident and me being here, I know this is 10 times harder for her and she's also a huge armcherry.

• 38:49Dax Shepard?

  She is. What's her name?

• 38:51Speaker 06

  Shannon.

• 38:51Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Shannon. We're so happy to have you.

• 38:54Speaker 06

  And then can my bunker mate who's been going through the war with me say hi?

• 38:58Dax Shepard?

  Yes, of course.

• 39:00Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 39:01Speaker 07

  Hi, Dax. Hi, Monica. I'm an armcherry as well and Corti got me introduced to the podcast and I wait for Fridays to listen to Armchair Anonymous. So it's really a pleasure to speak to both of you.

• 39:14Dax Shepard?

  And are you from Bahrain?

• 39:15Speaker 07

  I'm Indian, but born and raised here, but I did study in India in between as well.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 39:20Dax Shepard?

  And do you listen just because of Monica? You can be honest.

• 39:23Speaker 07

  No, both of you.

• 39:24Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay. Thank God. Okay, I made it.

• 39:26Speaker 07

  I would like to add something though, because I'm from South India and recently Monica had mentioned a housewarming ritual where you boil the milk, right? And it overflows. So I shifted my house recently as well and had to do the same thing because my folks were pressuring me to boil the milk. I could relate.

• 39:44Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 39:46Dax Shepard?

  And do you know what a seahorse is? Does that track? You know, Monica thinks Indians don't know what seahorses are. You did look genuinely confused just now.

• 39:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:54Dax Shepard?

  You nailed that one.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  I did. You don't need to know what they are. They're basically made of dust.

• 39:58Dax Shepard?

  They're little tiny creatures that live in an aquarium. I mean, of course they live in nature.

• 40:03Speaker 07

  I feel like I would know.

• 40:04Speaker 01

  You would recognize it, but you might not be able to on a cognitive test immediately say the word.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Because of your Indian heritage.

• 40:13Speaker 07

  It's okay. I'm with you, Monica.

• 40:14Speaker 01

  Thank you. We're gonna send a lot of good wishes your way.

• 40:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we're delighted to have both of you listening in Bahrain. That's so cool.

• 40:24Speaker 07

  Such a pleasure speaking to both of you.

• 40:26Dax Shepard?

  All right, bye, guys.

• 40:27Speaker 07

  Bye.

• 40:29Dax Shepard?

  I love them. I love them. I love them both.

• 40:32Speaker 01

  Wow, I got validated by a couple things.

• 40:34Dax Shepard?

  You sure did. The boiling milk and the lack of.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  Although we still didn't get reasons.

• 40:40Dax Shepard?

  I was thinking she was about to explain it to us and she's just as confused as you are and your parents and her parents.

• 40:47Speaker 08

  Hello.

• 40:48Dax Shepard?

  Oh, hello. What fake name would you like?

• 40:50Speaker 08

  Ooh, I have no preference.

• 40:52Dax Shepard?

  This is wild. I've never guessed this one, but I'm gonna go with Gerald.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 40:56Dax Shepard?

  Isn't that strong?

• 40:57Speaker 01

  I was gonna say Steven.

• 40:58Speaker 08

  I feel good as a Steven.

• 40:59Dax Shepard?

  Are you in a bathroom?

• 41:00Speaker 08

  Sure am.

• 41:00Dax Shepard?

  Are you sneakily doing this while you're at work?

• 41:02Speaker 08

  Sure am.

• 41:03Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I love it. I love the spirit. Yes. Are you allowed to tell us, Steven, what part of the country you're in?

• 41:09Speaker 08

  I'm in the Boston area.

• 41:10Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  Do you know Ben and Matt?

• 41:12Speaker 08

  I do not.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  Tax is so mad at me for saying.

• 41:17Dax Shepard?

  No, I just, I knew it was coming. I was waiting for it.

• 41:19Speaker 01

  We haven't had anyone from Boston in a while. Haven't been able to ask.

• 41:22Dax Shepard?

  It's been a while. Okay, so you have a crazy spring break story?

• 41:25Speaker 08

  I do. My story takes place back in 2017, my senior year of college. We were planning spring break. Everybody was going to Cancun, but I have a buddy who likes to zig when everybody zags. So he found a Groupon.

• 41:38Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. Great start.

• 41:40Speaker 08

  To go to Dominican Republic and not Punta Cana, but Porta Plata, a place I had never heard of before.

• 41:45Dax Shepard?

  I haven't either. I can tell you've been to Cancun and you can't pick a better place to spring break. That was a good option.

• 41:51Speaker 08

  Yeah, let's just say hindsight's 2020. So we're like, oh, it's a really good deal. It was like 600 bucks. I just had to buy the flights. So let's go all-inclusive. So we got a group, we went. So we got there and of course you're driving through some pretty impoverished areas, humbles you a little bit, and then you go to the resort and it's nice by the beach. We get in and there's guards with AK-47. So that's the first real sign that you're not in Kansas anymore. And then everybody's like, yeah, you guys, everything you need is here. You don't really want to leave the resort. We're like, oh, okay, whatever. We settle in, we start drinking, right? Let's go to the beach, go to the pool.

• 42:25Dax Shepard?

  Is the booze free?

• 42:26Speaker 08

  The booze is free. It's all good.

• 42:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God, this is the steal of a lifetime.

• 42:31Speaker 08

  Yeah, it was fantastic. A lot of daiquiris. So we go to dinner and we're feeling pretty good and we're like, what are we gonna do? So we go outside and we're sitting at the bar and we hear down the beach like. It's like parties, people are screaming, having a good time. So we're like, we should probably go down that way. Like, let's go check it out.

• 42:48Dax Shepard?

  And can I ask quickly, what are the other guests at the hotel like? Are they also young and on spring break? Are they old? What's the vibe at your hotel?

• 42:55Speaker 08

  Good question. So it's actually like a wide variety. So there's a couple of other people who are like spring breaking, but there's a lot of families and then people from like Germany were there. It was a weird smorgasbord of people. So yeah, really. All right, let's go down the beach. Sounds like it's a great time. Let's do it. We walked down past the guards with the AK-47s and we're going bar hopping. There's rooftop bars. It's great. And then people start slowly making their way back to the hotel. And eventually it's just me and my one other friend. And we're like, hey, let's get in there. Let's go talk to some ladies. It's spring break. Let's go.

• 43:30Dax Shepard?

  That's right. And what time of night is it now, do you suppose?

• 43:32Speaker 08

  Probably like 1 a.m. So we start dancing, showing off the moves. And all of a sudden, a couple of girls start coming up to us and we're dancing, right? We're having a good time and buy them some drinks.

• 43:41Dax Shepard?

  Do they appear to be locals or fellow spring breakers?

• 43:44Speaker 08

  I thought they were fellow spring breakers.

• 43:46Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 43:46Speaker 08

  Uh oh. So I ask her, hey, want to get out of here? We should get out of here. And she's like, yeah, yeah, sure. Let's do it. Let's go. So we walk back to my hotel and talk to the guard with the AK-47. Hey, like, can we get in? And he's like bracelet, bracelet. So she doesn't have a bracelet on to get back into the resort. She goes, oh, it's no problem. We can go back to my place. And I was like, oh, okay. She's like, I'll just call a ride. So she calls a ride. Couple minutes later, we're getting into an E150 van, you know, those vans with no windows. Oh, my God.

• 44:14Dax Shepard?

  Like a plumber's van?

• 44:15Speaker 08

  Yeah, yeah. Real appealing. I get in first and I was like five rows. So I go all the way to the back. I'm like, all right, maybe we'll kiss a little bit on the way there.

• 44:23Speaker 08

  And then all of a sudden I turn around. She's not next to me. She's in the front seat, talking to the driver in Spanish. So, okay. We start going and she looks back at me, says a couple things here and there, but mostly talking to this guy. So the ride is 10, 20, 30 minutes go by and now we're away from the resort. Fuck. We're in the water.

• 44:42Dax Shepard?

  And your friend is gone. He's back at the hotel. He didn't come with you.

• 44:45Speaker 08

  Yeah, he's doing whatever. I assume he's talking to this girl.

• 44:48Dax Shepard?

  He's in a separate van.

• 44:49Speaker 08

  Yeah, literally. Yeah. We pull into this like condominium like complex and then he pulls into an actual garage of one of the condos. And then we get out and the only thing he says to me is have fun buddy. And I'm like, okay, okay. She opens the door to the condo. There's flower petals everywhere, leaning from the door all the way to the middle of the room with like a jacuzzi in it. And then there's like a big king sized bed with red silk sheets. And I've realized this is a prostitution ring.

• 45:21Dax Shepard?

  Which by the way, is far better than a kidnapping ring. When we're weighing out the different outcomes, when you pull into the garage in the van.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  So he was a John?

• 45:30Dax Shepard?

  Our friend is an unsuspecting unwitting John, but he would be the either pimp or protection.

• 45:35Speaker 01

  Oh, so the John is the person that buys.

• 45:38Dax Shepard?

  Sacks.

• 45:38Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 45:40Speaker 08

  I didn't even know. I'm learning something.

• 45:41Speaker 01

  Okay, great. We're all learning.

• 45:43Speaker 08

  So we get in there and I go to the bathroom like, oh God, this is not what I thought it was gonna be.

• 45:47Dax Shepard?

  Can I ask how much money you have on you at this point?

• 45:49Speaker 08

  I've got like 20 or 40 dollars cash. I've got a limit on my card, so I can't afford anything.

• 45:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:57Speaker 08

  Even if I want to. I splash water on my face and I come out of the bathroom and she's laying on the bed in less clothing than when I entered the bathroom. Like, oh, hey, I think I'm gonna get out of here. She goes, no, no, whatever you want to do. Like now the Spanish is coming out and she's like, whatever you want to do, whatever you want to do. Like, we can do it. Come on. It's gonna be a great time. And I'm like, no, I can't. One, I don't have the money. Two, I just need to get out of here. And all of a sudden you hear like a bang, bang, bang. But it wasn't on the door that we came in. It came from something else. What the heck was that? It sounded like metal. So she gets up and she goes over and she goes to a vent that's on the wall, but on the floor. And she opens that and a hand pops out of it. That hand gives her a piece of paper.

• 46:39Speaker 08

  She puts the door back on the vent and then she comes over to me and hands me the piece of paper.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 46:46Speaker 08

  It says 1,000 US dollars. It's like a receipt. We haven't done anything. All they've done is given me like a really weird Uber ride essentially.

• 46:53Speaker 01

  Right.

• 46:54Speaker 08

  Maybe at the bar, we kissed a couple of times. I don't know. So I say, hey, I've got to get out of here. You don't understand. I'm a college student. I don't have any money. I didn't realize this is what we're getting into. And she's still trying to convince me and I just start walking out the door. I go out that same garage door. We walked in. I press like there's an electric door opener. I open that. And the guy who drove us is still in the driveway. I mean, he's standing outside the car and he appears to have a gun in his hand. Ah. I go up to him, I tell him, we didn't do anything. I just need to get a ride home. I don't have any money. I couldn't afford it anyways. All that stuff trying to explain to him. I don't know if he's understanding what I'm saying.

• 47:30Dax Shepard?

  I want to add now in the defense of everyone there. Of course, they think every American's rich. That's totally understandable. Their level of poverty or GDP or what their average sale. They see Americans come through and they're like, of course, they think we all have a grand at our disposal at all times. That's very natural for them to think that.

• 47:51Speaker 08

  Right, especially this privileged college kid who's on spring break. So I turned to her and talked to her. I'm like, hey, can you please explain to him, you know, what's going on and that we didn't do anything and all that stuff? And then they're having a conversation and he seems to be getting mad. And then all of a sudden, another car pulls up like the little driveway and it's a Cadillac. And there's two guys in there and one of the guys has an arm hanging out the window with a gun. So I'm realizing there's a whole thing going on and I'm just trying to plead my case, but nothing really is getting through. So all of a sudden, I'm like, you know, what a really good idea is to just start running. So I started running and all I could think of is just zigzagging. If they start shooting, I'm zigzagging so they can't hit me. No one's shooting, but in my head, they're following me. And then I get to a point where I'm like, I don't know which way we got in here.

• 48:34Speaker 08

  So I just took a turn and I was on a main road. It felt like I was running for maybe 30 minutes when I was realistically probably running for like five minutes. All I can think is that, are they going to come after me? Like, what do I do? And there's no streetlights or anything. All I can hear is like crazy like nature around me. Oh. Oh, fuck. So I look for something like I find, I see a sign. I kind of like hide behind it, but I know there's no way I'm walking home tonight. There's like one or two cars that go by. I'm like, I think I might be safe to hitchhike a ride. So another car comes, it's another one of those E150 vans, but it's a different color. But they pull over and I say, hey, can you bring me to this resort? And they say, yes, they didn't ask me for money or anything. So I get in and there appears to be a woman who's like pregnant in the backseat who's sitting next to me. She's like groaning.

• 49:19Speaker 08

  It's a kind of a weird situation. Oh, my God. The guys in the front are driving, not really paying. Paying attention to us in the back, but eventually we make it back to an area that seems familiar to me. It's not my hotel, but it's on the water. So I know we're close. There's like a condo complex. So I had to scale a couple of these walls that were like six feet tall until there was one that was 12 feet tall and I wasn't expecting it. Went over, I landed on my knee, sprained my knee pretty bad. I was like, you know, I just need to crawl my way back to the ocean. And as soon as I get to like the beach, I'll know where to go. I know I just got to go left and I'll probably be near my resort. Finally, I get back, I crawl up to the rooms that we're all staying in and I'm banging on the doors, yelling and no one's answering.

• 50:01Speaker 08

  Everybody's passed out after being drunk all night and I end up just falling asleep in the hallway. My buddy woke up a few hours later. He drags me and he kind of throws me in the bed. I slept till about three o'clock the next day. I woke up, told them the tale and then we went out and went to the same bars the next day.

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Of course. Wow.

• 50:24Dax Shepard?

  How had your buddy's night ended? He just went back to the hotel room.

• 50:27Speaker 08

  I think he made his way to a casino. Someone offered him a ride to a casino. So he went to that, lost all his money.

• 50:34Speaker 01

  Oh, college.

• 50:36Dax Shepard?

  In mail. This is such a mail story. Like they split up. They're both conquering some imaginary thing.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  Thank God you made it out of there. That is so scary.

• 50:46Speaker 08

  Cause you hear all those horror stories of what happens to people on spring breaks in those countries. Cause it's pretty lawless. Sometimes I'm just like, maybe this is just purgatory.

• 50:53Dax Shepard?

  You never did make it out of that room.

• 50:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. You're still behind that sign.

• 50:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh my goodness, Stephen. Brings back some memories.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  So I'm actually impressed that that one card went ahead and dropped you off.

• 51:07Speaker 08

  I end up giving him like what was left in my wallet. I was like, yeah, take $40 and thank you so much.

• 51:13Dax Shepard?

  And I think she needs a hospital.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  What if they were on the way to the hospital, I want to get this guy.

• 51:19Dax Shepard?

  Well, lovely meeting you, Stephen. That was harrowing.

• 51:22Speaker 08

  Likewise, guys. And I want to say, we've been listening for a few years. I got caught on to you because of my girlfriend. We couldn't find a podcast we like to listen to in the car together. So she found you guys and we found a happy medium and we listen to you guys on every long car rides.

• 51:36Dax Shepard?

  Oh, lovely.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Really nice.

• 51:37Speaker 08

  Really appreciate your time.

• 51:39Dax Shepard?

  Okay, take care.

• 51:40Speaker 08

  Bye.

• 51:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 51:42Speaker 01

  We also had a situation in college where I won't say who also ended up in the hallway. He was gone. We couldn't find him and we wake up in the morning, he's in the hallway.

• 51:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And you know mine about getting arrested and running?

• 51:55Speaker 01

  Do I?

• 51:56Dax Shepard?

  With Kenny, 11th grade, Cancun, ding ding ding. At a bar, meet a gal. The bar butts up to the beach, so half of the bar is on the actual beach.

• 52:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 52:07Dax Shepard?

  And we start hooking up on that sand. And then all of a sudden, security lifted me off of her and brought me to two cops that were just outside of the little boundary of the bar.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  And was she a prostitute?

• 52:22Dax Shepard?

  No, she was just a horny, uh, Mexican gal. No, she was fucking horny. She, I-

• 52:29Speaker 01

  Well, obviously, if you're having sex.

• 52:30Dax Shepard?

  She said, do you have a light? And I gave her a light with my Zippo, ding ding ding. And then she said, I'm on fire for you in my ear.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 52:39Dax Shepard?

  And I was like, oh my goodness, what's happening? I was in 11th grade and drunk on daiquiris.

• 52:44Speaker 01

  How old was he? I mean-

• 52:49Dax Shepard?

  I don't know how old he was, but, uh, she was like my age. All of a sudden, so the security guards bring me to two Cancun police officers that are sitting right at the edge of the bar. And they're screaming, you can't do that in the bar.

• 53:02Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 53:02Dax Shepard?

  And the two cops have me by both, holding me like by the elbow. They're now signaling to more cops that are on the curb out in front of the bar. And as they're waving, I'm thinking, I can't go to a Mexican jail. I know one thing is that you cannot end up in a Mexican jail. And like this guy, I was on a $200 trip with Kenny, all in. And I had probably 60 bucks to my name for the whole trip. And no- ATM card, so I can't pay these guys off. This is like day three of the trip and they had little batons. So they start waving to the other guys to come down, presumably, I think, to put me in handcuffs and take me to a car. And when they lift their hands away from me, I just take off sprinting down the beach. Yes, and I'm running down the beach and it's dark.

• 53:47Dax Shepard?

  And I just ran as fast as humanly possible down the beach, all the way back to my hotel, probably like a half mile. They stopped chasing me.

• 53:54Speaker 01

  Do you think about jumping in the water and swimming?

• 53:56Dax Shepard?

  I would have done absolutely anything to not end up in some car going to jail in Cancun.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  Why would they take you to jail just because you were at the bar? I mean,

• 54:04Dax Shepard?

  Because I was having sex at a bar.

• 54:06Speaker 01

  I know, but like to jail, you'd be like, go home.

• 54:09Dax Shepard?

  Well, I can only say what the stereotype at the time was, which is they're taking you there to shake you down.

• 54:14Speaker 01

  Right.

• 54:15Dax Shepard?

  But that run, I know his run he's talking about. I was just running, like, are they going to tackle me? How close are they behind me? Are they pulling their guns out? Luckily, the beach was right there and it was dark, so I just ran to the beach.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's weird because since you have such a strong sense of smell, you've just smelled so many people.

• 54:34Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's true.

• 54:36Speaker 01

  I'm sure some of them smelled bad.

• 54:38Dax Shepard?

  She did not.

• 54:39Speaker 01

  Odds wise.

• 54:40Dax Shepard?

  There have been some situations for sure. That's the price of doing business.

• 54:49Speaker 01

  Okay, happy spring break.

• 54:51Dax Shepard?

  Love you.

• 54:54Speaker 09

  Do you want to sing a tune or something? We're gonna theme song.

• 54:58Speaker 09

  Okay, great.

• 54:59Dax Shepard?

  We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, a rhyme dish. On the fly, a rhyme dish. Enjoy.