How Comparison Ruins Friendships

This week, Alex discusses the complicated reality of jealousy, comparison, and why some people struggle to celebrate their friends. She dives into the difference between supportive and competitive friendships, and how insecurity can affect them. She also shares advice on confronting these difficult dynamics, setting boundaries, and learning how to better show up for your friends. She then answers some questions about situationships and how to navigate public disagreements with a partner. Enjoy!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Alex Cooper?

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• 0:45Alex Cooper?

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• 1:30Alex Cooper?

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• 2:15Alex Cooper?

  There has been so much going on in my life right now. I also can't tell if it's just May and everyone is busy, but from work to personal, life has just been chaotic, but in a, but in a good way, like a good type of busy. Um, I just got back from Canada, which was fun. That was only my second time in Canada and it was so beautiful. We went there for a Google shoot we were doing. And guys, I was living my actress life for a week. It was so inspiring and it was so tiring. Like this entire experience made me realize how I have it so made and I need to thank God

• 2:58Alex Cooper?

  every single day for my podcast life. Like growing up, I was like, oh my God, I want to be on a movie set. Like I want to be in Hathaway in Devil Wears Prada, like, or Miranda Priestly, you know, that works too. Um, but like then I get on set and first of all, it was so incredible, like to get to work with these directors and producers that I was working with and um, some of the actors are on some of my favorite shows that I've ever watched. It was amazing. And watching them in their element, I was like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. However, I have been spoiled by being a podcaster because when I tell you, you sit down for a podcast, guys, you, you bang out two hours. Okay. Two hours, you do a little bit of social media and then a lot of it is like in the post-production,

• 3:42Alex Cooper?

  right? And it's just like a very like, if you want to pivot, if you want to try something different, you can. It's like on the move, on the go. Guys, acting. When I think back to some of the most incredible movies I've ever watched in my life, I now just see it so differently because I'm like, how did they get in a groove? How did they get in the groove? Because let me tell you, I would go on set. I would be on set. I would say two lines. They would say, cut. All right. Go back to your trailer for 45 minutes. I'd say, wait, but I only did two lines. Go back to your trailer for 45 minutes. We're going to reset the cameras. I said, okay. And then are we going to come and do the next set of lines? No, you're going to do those same lines in 45 minutes, just from a different angle.

• 4:22Alex Cooper?

  Oh, and like I've known this because I've like gone on sets where Matt is making movies, but to actually physically be the actress, it really put in perspective. I was like, honestly, I have so much respect for actors and actresses like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But like podcasting is for me. Cameos, you know, she can jump in, do a little, oh, hey, I'm here. Um, but whoa, guys, I love podcasting forever and always. Um, so yeah, so that was a positive, though. I, it was one of the most creative sets I've ever been on, and I can't wait for you guys to see it. We made like a micro drama and it was insane, all of it. Also, I am going to New York for a little bit of business, a little bit of

• 5:07Alex Cooper?

  personal. I'm going with my husband and my team from Unwell and Call Her Daddy, and I'm very excited to go to New York because I feel like New York in May, it's different, but it kind of is similar to New York in October. Like, the weather is perfect, people are out, everyone's in good moods, it's not disgustingly hot yet, similar to October where it's not disgustingly cold yet. Like, the vibes are great. I also just haven't been back to New York in a really long time, and I think I'm overdue for a New York trip. I still disclaimer have to say, though, like, I,

• 5:49Alex Cooper?

  I am still happy that I don't live there. And, and I feel horrible saying that because I was such a New Yorker, I felt like for so long, but like, I just, I need the grass, I need the grass, I need the trees. I need it, I need it more than I thought. I think maybe it's just a getting older thing, but like, it's too overstimulating for forever, but I love a good pop in, pop out. I have so many food stops that I need to make, people that I need to see, places I need to go.

• 6:17Alex Cooper?

  What else is going on in my life? I deleted TikTok off of my phone. I would say I did that like two weeks ago. And I moved Instagram to the last slide of my phone. So like, if I want to go on it, I gotta really search for it. And let me tell you something, life has been really good. Life has been really good because I have read many books. I read Count My Lies by Sophie Stavva. And now it's excitingly getting made, I believe, into a movie or TV show with, oh, my God, who are going to be the actor? Oh, it's Lindsay Lohan and Shailene Woodley. And I just read the book. I was like, okay, this, it was actually really, really insane. Like, if you like twists and turns, baby, you're on a twist and turn.

• 7:01Alex Cooper?

  I read Strangers by Bell Burden, which is like, everyone has been talking about this woman's memoir about her husband cheating on her and leaving her and her entire life blowing up in COVID. And it was actually so traumatizing and so sad, but also just such a testament to women. And like, we need to make sure we are good on our own always. And last but not least, if anything, this is my absolute fucking favorite. Miss Lena Dunham, I love you so much. I'm reading her memoir and I just finished it last night. Fame sick. Let me just tell you something. I have loved Lena Dunham for so long. I remember the first time I had a meeting with her and I just was like, I love you so much, Lena. And just to like, know you is to be, is a privilege.

• 7:44Alex Cooper?

  This book, if you need a new book, you guys. Oh, my God, what that woman has been through. It puts life in perspective and I just, she's such a genius. The way that she writes is, she's just brilliant. Like, there's something so inspiring, reading someone who is so brilliant. And the way that she writes, I just never wanted to put the book down. And Matt was like, oh, okay, I get it. We love Lena Dunham, but we have to eat. And I was like, reading it at dinner and I was like, okay, you're right. I need to put it down. And now I'm depressed because I finished it too quickly. And I'm like, Lena, now we need another book. So, love that if anyone needed any recommendations. But now I'm, now I need a new book. Okay? And if you could drop a new book rec in the comments.

• 8:28Alex Cooper?

  I'm on a kick right now. Like I want to read and not scroll. And so far, so good.

• 8:37Alex Cooper?

  Oh, last but not least in life updates, which is the most, probably like the thing I'm the most excited about is I finally booked a summer trip with my three girlfriends and I could not be more excited. We are going to do a trip to my lake house this summer. And let me tell you something, it is so hard to plan a girl's weekend when you are in your 30s because all of us, every single group text is like, all right, wait, let me check that. We, oh, I have a wedding that weekend. Every single one of us has like 14 weddings this summer and we are like, where is the one weekend that you don't have a

• 9:21Alex Cooper?

  bachelorette or a wedding or a wedding or like all of us somehow have so many weddings this summer. So we finally were like, this is the weekend. No one's getting married. No one, like hopefully no one dies. Like, let's just put it on the books. So we planned it. And then the minute we planned it, obviously Lauren is planning a themed dinner party. It's gonna, Lauren, the best part about Lauren is she is the best, the best time friend, right? Like, you're like, oh, what are we gonna do? And she's like, we're having a themed dinner party, obviously. And I'm like, oh, okay. What's the theme? So Lauren's currently working on themes. She's pitching ideas, which is very exciting.

• 10:00Alex Cooper?

  But I'm just so excited to have a girl's trip on the books to like downtime. We have activities. It just makes me really, really happy. And I think why I'm also just so excited is all of us going on this trip are kind of more than ever right now, individually going through such different things in life right now. We're all at very defining but weird points like, and, and so I'm really looking forward to having time to just pour into each of us and support each other and talk through all that is going on in our lives. And there's nothing better than just sitting around a fireplace or on a lake on a boat and

• 10:44Alex Cooper?

  being like sobbing, but good tears, some good tears of being like, just with your girls, which is kind of what inspired. The topic that I want to talk about today.

• 11:13Alex Cooper?

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• 11:56Alex Cooper?

  And when you give me that plus a good chocolate, I'm going to have that in my freezer. Every single night, I'm going to pop one in. I am obsessed. I love it so much. Taste the joy with every bite of My Mochi Ice Cream. Look for the green and brown box of My Mochi Dubai Chocolate Ice Cream in the freezer aisle of your local grocery store. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own, and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals, or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life.

• 12:38Alex Cooper?

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• 13:18Alex Cooper?

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• 14:02Alex Cooper?

  I don't know about you guys, but everywhere I go or anytime I open my phone, I, it's like making me mad. But I hear people talking about looks maxing, money maxing, protein maxing, whatever maxing. Like people can't stop saying it right now. Every young person in our office is like, I'm whatever maxing. And I'm like, oh my, I'm here everywhere. Okay. But today I want to talk about something called Freudin, Freuda-maxing.

• 14:37Alex Cooper?

  Here she comes. The grandma's in the room. Okay, listen to me. If you're like, Alex, what the fuck are you saying? That's not English. Don't worry. I got you. Let me tell you, okay? Freudin, Freuda is a term, I think it could be a recent term, it could be a made up term. Honestly, God knows, but it is the experience of feeling joy for someone else's happiness or success.

• 15:01Alex Cooper?

  And so before we get like dive into the topic, I want to set the scene to why this has been on my mind, aside from the girls' trip I'm having coming up. And it's almost like, on one hand, that group of friends is only illuminating in my life of how fortunate I am to have friends. Like, we're all so supportive of each other. We never get on fights in these trips. There's no weird dynamics. There's no competitiveness. There's no, there's literally nothing but good vibes. And then another friend that I have in a different friend group, um, she has been calling me a lot lately, a lot more than usual, I would say, which, don't get me wrong, I love, I'm like, so happy that I'm hearing from her. Um, but basically, my friend got engaged about, I think she got like, like, two months ago.

• 15:47Alex Cooper?

  And they have been together for a few years. They just moved in together. And she understandably has just been like, so beyond excited about it. And I am so happy for her, right? Such a great time in her life. But since that she's been engaged, she has been calling me so much more than usual. And she's calling to talk, like, check in, talk about wedding updates, dress ideas, like, venue options, like, all of it. And again, I love hearing from her. But yesterday, when she called, it was like, the third time in one week. And it was the second time in that one day. And I was like, I feel like I could just, you know, when you're talking to your friend, I'm like, I can just feel some things off. Like, you can just feel the vibes. And so I let her know, I'm like, girl, I absolutely

• 16:31Alex Cooper?

  love hearing from you. And I will talk about those wedding details until we are blue in the face. But I do have to ask, because I know you so well, like, is everything okay? Like, are you good? Because obviously, you've been calling more than normal. And I'm here, and I love it. And I love hearing from you. But I just want to make sure you're good. Because I feel like something could be off, but I could be completely reading, like, the wrong tone over the phone, or whatever. And the minute I opened up that conversation for her, she just started breaking down. And she was like, honestly, I'm so sorry that I keep coming to you. But all of my friends that I usually talk to on the more,

• 17:12Alex Cooper?

  like, day to day, or just like, talk to, like, I talk to you, are either single, or they're in not really great relationships right now. And no one really seems to be as happy or excited for me. As you do in this new stage of my life.

• 17:31Alex Cooper?

  And so after she and I debriefed the latest venue, it's a great venue, by the way, we ended up hanging up. And I couldn't stop thinking about this. I really couldn't because I realized that, first of all, I have had my own version of doing this too. Like when I have a big or exciting thing going on, whether it's with work or it's with Matt or like literally anything. I have those certain people who I know to call for certain things. And if you really pause, and I'm sure if you think about it, I am sure you know which people in your life are gonna be genuinely so happy for you and celebrate you in those big moments of your life or those happy moments in your life. And you also know which people probably won't.

• 18:14Alex Cooper?

  And there is honestly nothing worse than being so excited about a new job or a new boyfriend, a new apartment, or whatever it may be that's going on in your life in that moment. And then you call your friends so excited and they just downplay it. Or they dismiss it when you share it with them. Even worse, they make it somehow about them, like you're calling with this big news and then they're like, yeah, whatever. Anyways, so, and you're like, wait, how did we? And, and then, or they start just like complaining about how they don't like their job and their dating life sucks or, you know, whatever it is.

• 18:53Alex Cooper?

  But somehow they change the entire conversation and make you feel like, wait, this isn't, this isn't really why I called and now I'm feeling like kind of shitty, actually, and a little frustrated. And what I have come to terms with, with these type of friendships is that at a certain point, you either have to start to pull away from those type of friends that can't celebrate you. Or you kind of have to call them out. And sometimes you also need to be self-aware if maybe you are the friend that's being that friend. Like maybe you are the Debbie Downer.

• 19:28Alex Cooper?

  So this is what I want to talk about today because I feel like so much of the daddy gang is at a place in their life where we are all having big changes, right? But if you don't have the right people around you. Girl, oh, as I've been loving to do on these Sunday sessions, guys, um, I did a little research, okay, nothing crazy, but I did a little research and I wanted to read a part of an article that I found that kind of breaks this down pretty well. It's written by a clinical psychologist and it's called, "Why is my best friend never happy for me?" They write, "Whether it's good or bad news, our impulse as humans is to share our news with those close to us. Most of us don't give too much thought about how our friends will react to

• 20:13Alex Cooper?

  our good news. We assume that they'll share in our happiness and react with excitement and enthusiasm, but what happens when they don't? Friendships, just like relationships, can go through different and sometimes difficult phases. Now might be a good time to be curious about why your friend is responding to you in this way. Ask yourself, has she always responded to my good news in this way? Or is this a new pattern? If so, what might have changed for her to be responding this negatively? When people don't feel good about themselves, they might look for ways to boost their self-esteem. Sometimes, they may even resort to put downs or negative comments as a way of momentarily giving themselves a sense of being better than others. Is it possible this might be the case with your friend?

• 20:57Alex Cooper?

  Or perhaps you feel that envy or competitiveness may be a feature of your friendship. Another ponctability is that sometimes we can transfer or displace our emotions onto our closest friends. Could it be that your friend is feeling negative about other things but is projecting her feelings onto you? There are many possible explanations for why this might be occurring, and only through some honest discussions with your friend will you be able to uncover the truth." Oh, here's where it motherfucking hurts. Okay. I also want to clarify before I fully dive into this and like how I would personally handle it. It's like, I understand that when talking about this, there is so much nuance to everyone's watching's dynamic with their

• 21:42Alex Cooper?

  friend, right? Like, I'm not going to be able to pinpoint every single certain situation. I'm going to try to like broadly address and then obviously you guys can try to apply it to your life. So, let's talk about just like, do you even approach a conversation with your friend about this issue?

• 22:01Alex Cooper?

  My first advice is you first need to determine like, is there a dynamic shift that just happened out of nowhere? Or are you just now starting to realize like huh? And so I think a dynamic shift that's current, obviously this person could be stressed. There could be insecurity. They could be burnt out from their own life. They could be going through heartbreak. They could have career struggles, family stuff like your lives, I think you have to recognize may have recently become less aligned, which can heighten comparison with one of your friends, right? Like, oh, you just got the job and they just got fired from their job. So maybe they're not going to be so fucking happy for you that you just got your job, right?

• 22:46Alex Cooper?

  So if that is the case, that something just tangibly just currently happened, my advice, and this isn't just like a bitch that's always been a bitch. I think my conversation approach is like, you need to actually investigate what changed in the relationship. And this kind of takes a level of maturity and reciprocity and self-awareness from you. Like, and I, and I want to clarify, you shouldn't always be the one that has to like break the ice, but when you're the one experiencing the happiness and this does feel like a one-off with your friend who's not really reciprocating and celebrating you, I do think it's appropriate to ask if she's okay. Like, hey, I've noticed recently that when I'm kind of sharing things I'm excited about,

• 23:29Alex Cooper?

  the response feels different than it used to. And so I just wanted to ask, like, have you, like, has something shifted between us? Or is something like going on that like, you know, I just, I just wanted to open the conversation? Because guys, best case is she opens up and she tells you like, yeah, I just found out my mom is sick, or I just found out I'm getting laid off and I'm so sorry that da-da-da. You know what I mean? Like, but we have to be self-aware enough that if our friend is not happy for us, give them the opportunity to tell you why, because there's also probably something in them that's like, I don't want to bring this up, but like, they may not even notice they're doing it, right?

• 24:10Alex Cooper?

  I think the more serious thing to talk about, and unfortunately, the more common issue is like, if it's a pattern.

• 24:20Alex Cooper?

  If it's a pattern that you have been noticing for a while in your friendship, and maybe you're just really starting to notice it now because your wins are becoming bigger and more noticeable, and you've done self-work where you're less willing to tolerate digs from this person, and you're like, I can't fucking stand this anymore. Like, why is Casey always making these rude comments when I have a good day? Also, you've probably gained other friendships that show you what supportive friends actually look like. I think that can be a huge one where you're like, wait a second. I've been putting up with this nonsense for so long, and now I have these gorgeous friends over here that are like, taking me out for celebratory drinks. Casey's never once asked me to go for celebratory drinks.

• 25:04Alex Cooper?

  If anything, somehow, I have a maximum of like 30 seconds to talk about my wins, and then she somehow makes it about her.

• 25:11Alex Cooper?

  That, I think, is the more common situation, right? And I think that conversation approach is less about responding to an incident, and more just finally naming a pattern with your friend. Like, hey, I have realized this has become a pattern in our relationship, and I honestly kind of often feel like our conversations, it feels like you're downplaying things that I'm excited about or proud of, or when I do share something positive that's going on in my life, it's often met with negativity.

• 25:46Alex Cooper?

  Now, obviously, depending on how your friend responds, is going to tell you a lot about the future of your friendship, right? And so, I will say, entering my 30s, I am really happy and proud and fortunate. Like, I don't really have these type of friendships anymore. All of them, I would say, were completely shed by my late 20s. But I do wish that I had the tools to have these type of conversations, as intimidating and scary as they can be with friends. I do genuinely believe that when you actually can have a conversation with a friend, it is always going to make you feel better if you try and talk something through, especially if it's with a longstanding friend,

• 26:30Alex Cooper?

  rather than just like slowly and intentionally distancing and ghosting. Again, everyone's situation is different. You could be like, Alex, I wish I could have a conversation with this person, but now I'm realizing, I got a narcissist on my hands. And I'm like, girl, hit that block button. Like, I get it, but I just overall personally have found... Kind of closure when I'm able to express my feelings and I am direct. And so even if you end up deciding the friendship isn't going to last, at least you were able to communicate it. So you have nothing left unsaid, right? And also, I think the whole point of life is like, then you're more prepared. Next time this comes up in another relationship that you're dealing with, right? You're like, oh, I know how to handle this. I know the conversation. I know what to do.

• 27:14Alex Cooper?

  I think if we just don't acknowledge and handle things to some degree, it's just going to keep happening.

• 27:36Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches. Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. So anytime that I am finding myself having a habit that I just cannot kick, I'm like, okay, I need to talk about this in therapy.

• 28:18Alex Cooper?

  Listen, guys, everyone has habits, mindsets, or patterns that don't serve them. But recognizing what they are and learning how to let them go can be so important. It's literally the first step towards creating meaningful change. And therapy with BetterHelp, one of the leading online therapy platforms, can be a space to explore where those patterns come from and develop healthier habits and mindsets for a more fulfilling life. With over 30,000 therapists worldwide, BetterHelp has served millions of people globally. BetterHelp makes it easier to fit therapy into your routine with flexible ways to connect that work for different schedules and lifestyles. Plus, BetterHelp therapists have at least three years and one Thousand hours on hand experience and hold all required education, training and certifications.

• 29:03Alex Cooper?

  You can meet with a range of professionals from marriage and family therapists to social workers and counselors. So Daddy Gang, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/daddy. That's better H E L P dot com slash daddy.

• 29:26Alex Cooper?

  Now you're all like, okay, so I'm confronting Cassandra, what the fuck, Cassie? I'm going up to Rebecca, like I'm having these conversations. When do you know then to end the friendship? I think when it comes to friendship, I typically believe that, I don't know, I just don't think you should cut someone off over one disappointing moment. I think most people deserve more than that. I would pay attention to how they respond when you do initiate this conversation, right? Like, do they respond to the conversation with actual genuine like care and curiosity? Like of like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize I was doing that. Or do they get defensive? And they're like, you know what, Alex, you're too sensitive.

• 30:08Alex Cooper?

  Not everything is about you. You're always like, are they scorekeeping? That is the, oh my God, guys, any relationship, romantic or friendship or family. If someone is scorekeeping, AKA like, well, I supported you the one time, even though it was inconvenient for me. Like the victimization when they're like, well, I guess I'm just a horrible friend then, right? Like I've never showed up for you and you're like, wait, no, no, this is literally not what I'm, wait. How, how did, how did this become? No, I'm, I'm huh? Guys, that is probably when you know you need to end the fucking friendship. If you are feeling that insane and someone is scorekeeping and victimizing themselves and you're like, what? I think in those moments, you really need to ask yourself, is this friendship having larger consequences on your life?

• 30:52Alex Cooper?

  Is it affecting how you show up in other places and other relationships? Are you becoming quieter, less confident? Are you downplaying your success? Are you literally scared to tell them about your wins? If your friend is unwilling to meaningfully engage in this conversation with you. Again, don't be a fucking asshole, right? Like, I can't, I can't help you there. If you're like, you're honestly such a bitch when I come to you about my wins. Like, well, then they're going to be a cunt back. Do you know what I mean? But if you approach it with genuine curiosity, care being like, I want to fix this. And they don't meet you there, you may just realize the dynamic is starting to just like, it's not working for you. It's even affecting out like you outside of the friendship.

• 31:37Alex Cooper?

  You're thinking about it. You're walking on eggshells like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 31:42Alex Cooper?

  I also just like very much think, I don't know, I think you're in the right for determining whether or not you want to continue to have this person in your life in the same way, depending on how they respond to you genuinely looking to repair something. And I also will say about that, like, again, when it comes to the nuance, this is where it's so hard not having a tangible example, right? Like, I have had friends that are going through it and I know they're going through it and I know that they're not the person I should be calling right now because they're going through it. And there is, the, the way there is reciprocity in that friendship is,

• 32:26Alex Cooper?

  it's a little uneven for now. And I know it's not going to last forever, but it's like, when my friend is going through something hard, I'm picking up the phone and I'm calling and I'm not talking about myself and I'm just listening and I'm there and you're there and you're there and you're there. And even when they ask you about yourself, you read the room enough to be like, "Girl, I'm so good. We can talk about me another time. Like, everything's good. Matt and I are good, whatever, dah dah dah." But like, "Love you and like, do you want to do another call on Sunday?" You have to be self-aware as a friend to know when you need to back down off of your own personal shit to be there for a friend. If it is the entirety of your friendship and you're doing that 24/7, not healthy. But there are ebbs and flows in relationships that you need to be strong for a friend, because guess what? Then all of a sudden, eight months from now,

• 33:09Alex Cooper?

  when you end your engagement or someone in your family dies, that's when you can then see, is this an actual reciprocal relationship? Does that friend now step up for you? And so, it's not always going to be 50/50 jogging down the road and, "Oh my God, and me and fucking Rebecca are just bam, bam." It's like ping pong. We're like, "Oh, and you go next." And that's just like not life, right? You can't plan for trauma and horrible things happening and just bad spurts of your life. So- The scorekeeping, it gets confusing because some people are going to have worse years than others. But if it is 24/7, if you're like, I don't know the last time I haven't listened to her with her pain, then that's where I get it, where you're like, I'm getting drained

• 33:53Alex Cooper?

  by this person. And if the person can't meet you anytime with your wins, then what is, what, that's what friendship is for. When I think about going on this girls' trip with my friends, like, all of us have such just different jobs, such different relationships, such different family dynamics. And why I love girl trips with this group is we all are individually able to hold space for our own personal situation and show up for our friends, even if we can't relate to what they're talking about, and be supportive, ask the right questions, be inquisitive about what's going on and how are they feeling

• 34:34Alex Cooper?

  about that? Like, that's just being a good friend, right? And I think also, like I mentioned, if someone is, is going through a hard period and they're not celebrating your wins, like, it's okay. You have other people in your life. Don't just cut them off because she's having a bad week. Now, I think the last part of this dynamic that we can address is like, are, are you the person? Are you the culprit, you little shit? Are you, are you the one? And what do I mean by that? Let's flip, let's flip this, right? If you're sitting there, maybe listening to this episode, being like, you know what? I'm being a little

• 35:16Alex Cooper?

  introspective right now, which we love. And you're just starting to wonder, Alex, maybe I'm this person. Oh, doggies. Alex, this could be me. Whether my, you know, friends have good news to share.

• 35:32Alex Cooper?

  My first thought kinda goes to comparison or jealousy. Like, I don't immediately feel happy for them. If you're having thoughts of jealousy or envy when your friends share good news with you, first, let me just grant you a little bit of, you know, cushion. Like,

• 35:49Alex Cooper?

  it can sometimes be natural. I get it. You're like, oh, God, she got the job. Like, oh, like, I really wanted that. Or, oh, my God, and I'm failing at whatever. Like, I get it. Those are human emotions. Everyone is gonna feel them at some point. Even if you feel a little ping of jealousy, or even more than that, like, that doesn't make you a bad friend. What starts to make you a bad friend is do you let those thoughts impact how you treat your friend? Can you sit with your own feelings and not act cold or dismissive towards your friend? Can you hold that for after and can you still behave in a supporting way? While then later sorting through your own resentment or envy? Listen, if you're relating to this, I'm gonna just share the advice that I remember my therapist gave me once.

• 36:33Alex Cooper?

  She said the first step is looking inward to really try to identify what feelings are coming up for you, independent of your friend. Like, do you really care that your friend got the job? But are you feeling comparison because you are feeling shitty about your situation at your job? Do their wins feel like evidence that you may be falling behind? Maybe it's feelings of grief. Like, did they just get something right? Whether it's the engagement or the promotion that you have been so desperately wanting for yourself.

• 37:09Alex Cooper?

  Also, another option is it could be a threat to your identity. And just like what I mean by that is were you used to being, and I think this unfortunately, if you've been friends with people for a long time, this can happen. Were you used to being the successful one in the group? Or used to being the relationship expert in the group? And now it feels like you're losing that.

• 37:31Alex Cooper?

  I think we need to be just aware of our triggers. If you feel behind in relationships, yes, maybe a wedding or an engagement may be a little tough for you right there, right? If you feel behind financially, then a friend finally closing on their dream home may bring up feelings for you understandably. Maybe you're realizing like you haven't been the best at working through these feelings on your own. And so you kind of haven't been as supportive as you should be to your friends. Guys, that's gonna happen. You're not gonna be perfect in your friendships, but you have to own it. And I think you could own it and say something. I think every one of us has had those moments where the friend owns it and you're like, oh my God, I respect you even more. Like, hey, I have been reflecting and I realize I haven't been showing up as supportive as

• 38:16Alex Cooper?

  I want to be when you share exciting things. And I honestly think some of my own stuff has been bleeding into how I respond to what you're going through. And I'm really, I'm really sorry if it feels like I'm minimizing your big moments. I don't know if anyone has been, has had those conversations with friends, but what I can say is I feel so grateful to have had so many moments in friendship where either me or they are meeting you there and it just goes such a long way. Cause you're like, oh my God, you're self-aware, you're owning it. I didn't really have to get mad at you. You just, you were self-aware. It's okay, we all go through it, right? I just think overall, people who can celebrate others aren't people who never have the feeling of envy or jealousy.

• 39:00Alex Cooper?

  That's, that's just, that's not true. There are people though, who know how to sit with those feelings without making it everyone else's problem. And those are really enjoyable people to be around. I'm not saying you have to constantly fake it around your friends and be like, so happy for you, so happy for you. But when it is, when we're talking about them, you can be happy for them. And then when they're asking how you're doing, then it is your time to share, right? Overall, I think it's just a good reset reminder, like celebrating your friends wins not only makes them feel supported and strengthens your friendships, but it also is going to benefit you. Like be a little selfish for a second. Here you go. Your default stops being comparison and instead you can just feel joy and like. Be in the moment for your friend during big and exciting life moments because everyone's

• 39:45Alex Cooper?

  gonna have their turn. Like, I think sometimes we forget that, guys. There is reciprocity in uplifting your friends. And then when you have like a win, they're gonna celebrate your wins because you always celebrate their wins. Like, and then when you're going through it, they're gonna be there for you. Because when they're going through it, you are there for them. Like, you want to show up in the same way for each other. I don't know, maybe the situation just gets easier as you get older, because as much as all of this is presented as a friendship topic, I think it has never been more clear to me that like, we're not really talking about friendship. You're really just talking about being an individual. It literally has kind of nothing to do with friends. They're just kind of a mirror of what's going on with you. Are

• 40:25Alex Cooper?

  you able to show up in your life and be confident enough that other people succeeding and being happy doesn't disrupt what you have going on? If you're not capable of celebrating other people's wins, that is probably nine out of 10 times. It's just a you thing. It's completely about you. It has nothing to do with your friends. And as you grow, and I think as you have more life experiences, and as you get older, like, you just get more sure of who you are and what you want. I was thinking about it this morning in preparing for this, like, in your twenties, there is so much pressure to get the job and the guy and the apartment and the social group. And so you can get so wrapped up in hitting that benchmark. Then when you're really honest with yourself,

• 41:10Alex Cooper?

  you don't even know why you want to hit the benchmark, or if that's the benchmark you actually want to hit. You're like, sometimes you're like, end up chasing things because everyone else is chasing that benchmark. And you're like, wait, is that what I actually want? Or is it because everyone else is doing it? And so in your twenties, you can, if you're not feeling like you're at the front of the pack, it can sometimes make you feel like you're failing. And I'm just here to tell you, like, that's just not true. It's really not true. To be able to separate who you are and what you want from other people around you, who you love and are really, you know, enmeshed with, it's such an important tool to have in life, so you can be surrounded by positive, strong people. Because if you can't, I genuinely believe you kind of repel healthy

• 41:54Alex Cooper?

  relationships. And so being self-aware enough to look at like, have you lost friendships in the past couple of years? This could be one of those reasons. Like, people are just like, she literally just, it's all about her. She's not feeling good about her life and she can't let anyone else have a good fucking time. And that is not the goal, Daddy Gang. We want friends, we want happiness, and we want to celebrate everyone's fucking wins because there's nothing better. I forget who it was. It may have been, it was either Marushka Hargitay or Ellen Pompeo when I interviewed them and they were just like, oh, actually, no. It was Michelle Obama. Of course it was. Michelle Obama literally goes, when we're all winning,

• 42:33Alex Cooper?

  we're all winning. And when one of us is winning, we all feel like we're winning. Like, one friend's winning and the other friend then feels like, oh, I'm gonna get that next one or whatever. Like, as we all raise and we all are together in this friend group, like, it's all gonna ebb and flow. But when you see someone winning, especially as a woman, be excited for that person because you're gonna be next. You have to believe that, right? And being around people who are winning and having success, like, that's exciting. That is going to wear, rub off on you instead of feeling like the Grinch in the corner, like, secretly hoping that your friend, like, doesn't win. That's just gonna come back on you. Because karma's a bitch.

• 43:15Alex Cooper?

  Okay, Daddy Gang, let's answer some questions now that we're all, now that we had a little just reset on friendship, because sometimes we need that.

• 43:39Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. As you guys know, I have basically been working double time throughout this pregnancy to bank episodes for the month that I will be on maternity leave. And a few weeks ago, it all just kind of hit me. I was like, wait, wait, wait, where did summer go? And I was talking about this with Matt and he ended up surprising me with a little staycation. He booked this beautiful home on Airbnb in Malibu so that we could pretend like it was summer while it's still warm here in LA. The weather was perfect. The house was right on the beach, which was so relaxing and amazing. It also had just such a gorgeous kitchen. We stayed in, we cooked dinner together.

• 44:21Alex Cooper?

  And you know, daddy gaining my cooking skills, they have, they have gotten better. They've gotten a little bit better through pregnancy, but it was really just so nice to unplug and spend that time together before the baby comes and we move into this completely new chapter of our life. So whether you're planning a cozy weekend away, or you're just looking for an excuse to unplug for a few days, October is the perfect time to get out of town. Booking a home on Airbnb makes the trip feel even more special because everyone has room to actually spend time together. Whether you're coming back after a long day out, or you're also just cooking dinner. Airbnb makes settling in even easier because you can order groceries for your trip and have all the snacks and essentials delivered

• 45:05Alex Cooper?

  after you arrive. My favorite fall trips always have one thing in common and amazing place to say. That's why I always look at Airbnb first. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches. Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com.

• 45:48Alex Cooper?

  I swear though, if I have people in my twenties listening, it really does get better in your thirties. Like you just kind of weed out, you weed out the people that aren't meant to be there. And then the ones that are meant to be there, you're locked in and it feels like you're locked in for life.

• 46:06Alex Cooper?

  Okay, question one. I have been seeing a guy for four months and he still hasn't saved my number with my name in his phone. It's just my number. I accidentally saw it when he was ordering us food. Should I be deeply offended? Do I say something?

• 46:25Alex Cooper?

  You know, there's two, there's two sides to the coin here because you're like, men are dumb, but we can't blame their dumbness on their shortcomings and their sketchiness. So like you could say like, he's just dumb. Like he just hasn't saved it. Are all of his numbers in his phone, unsaved numbers? That's probably the biggest red flag I've ever, maybe one of them I've ever seen. But my gut is this is, this is bad.

• 46:52Alex Cooper?

  This is bad. This is really bad. My gut is that you are number.

• 46:59Alex Cooper?

  Because he doesn't, he doesn't want to put that, he doesn't want to put that name in, girl. And it's like a, it's a painful thing to, I'm sure, see. And four months, like, we're almost halfway through the year, you know? You're almost at that six months mark. I would be concerned. And then I think all I can say back to you because I'm not in this relationship is, are there other things that this man is doing that are also just like a little, a little concerning? Do you know what I mean? Like he makes you walk 10 steps ahead outside. Or 10 steps behind. If you go to pull up social media because you guys are out and you're going to film something, he's ducking. You know, he's ducking, he's rolling, he's doing stop, drop and roll.

• 47:40Alex Cooper?

  Um, you know, you gotta look for the signs, like, are there other like feminine products in his bathroom? Um, is he like, the, that's where I think you got like, it's the context clues that you just need to wrap around the, your number not being saved. Who knows? He could be like so brilliant IQ at, at the highest it could be. And he just memorizes everyone's numbers and it's kind of a game he likes to play with himself, you know? He's like, oh, 484 is this, 215 is this, 701 is that, like, he just knows his people. But I have a feeling that's not, that's not the case. And if it's not the case, you could be in a situationship that is going nowhere.

• 48:25Alex Cooper?

  And the worst also is if you have his name saved and there's like a little.

• 48:32Alex Cooper?

  There's like a little heart next to it, you know? It's like Mikey with like a purple heart. It's gotta go, we gotta go. So context clues around it, but then you'll know. But my gut says just, and again, I could be so jaded from having dated like really weird men in my past.

• 48:51Alex Cooper?

  You could have a good one and I could be completely off, but I would need the context clues. So right back in, let us know, but it doesn't look good. Okay, next. Alex, what is your take on supporting your partner in public and then addressing issues in private? For example, my boyfriend recently got into a tense back and forth with one of our friends at dinner and was being way harsher than necessary. In the moment, I felt uncomfortable and honestly thought he was wrong, but I didn't know if it was my place to step in or if I should just support him publicly and talked about it later. That is such a good question. Oh, oh, let's talk about this. Oh my gosh, this could take us into the distance to end this episode. Okay, wait, let me think about this.

• 49:35Alex Cooper?

  My first thought, this has happened to me in a previous relationship where, oh boy.

• 49:44Alex Cooper?

  It was those dinners where I, it almost just like illuminates. Let me not put my trauma on to you. Anyways, publicly supporting him, I do think can look like you're not shitting on him in front of people and you're not making it look like you both are so divided. But I do think you can just, how about this? A hand on the thigh and a squeeze and a turn to him. I, I think like, and like a little comment, you know, like, and again, when drinking's been involved, God bless you and good luck and good night. But if drinking hasn't been involved, I think it's a little squeeze on the thigh or a little like, you know, touch on the arm and be like, babe, I think, I think like, let's cool it. Like let's, and if you have a good relationship, hopefully your partner and you can be like, he can look at you and be like, oh, okay, you're right.

• 50:28Alex Cooper?

  If he's like, no, and another thing, you can then I think say like, this is making me really uncomfortable. You could remove yourself from the table. Or here's the thing, and this is what's so fucking crazy about relationships. And this is why it is so important to like truly pick the right partner in life, long-term. You could sit there in silence and I think your silence and your, your body language can show that you are not enjoying this and clearly something has gotten heated. You're not shitting on your partner, but you're also a little bit in solidarity with the person that they're going at and you're uninterested and this is not making you happy and you're not like, no, I'm not and I'm not liking it. And you can either get up from the table or you can just be really

• 51:13Alex Cooper?

  silent. And that, but I do think in my personal opinion, the big conversation, yes, you save that for at home. No, like, here's the thing about life. No one gives a fuck about anyone else. Okay. And so you guys having an argument or you calling out your partner in front of the dinner table, you're just going to ruin everyone's night and it's just going to get so awkward for people and what are they supposed to do? Like then you're imposing your issues onto this entire night of people. Also, it makes it a little bit more heightened. Like even if that was an awkward one, you can even like, kind of, you know, diffuse it by being like, all right, let's all try to enjoy the rest of our night. Are we done? Like, okay. And then later you could also send

• 51:57Alex Cooper?

  some side texts being like, I'm so sorry. Like that, I know that got really heated and like, that wasn't like, we not happy about it. And I've like, talked to Jason and like, we both feel just like upset that it got out of hand. But I do think the big conversation, save it for behind closed doors, but the public cheerleader, you don't need to act like we're a united front on this. Cause I think sometimes in life, what's really important is you do not need to agree on every single thing with your partner. I have 100% been like, oh, I would have handled that differently in like relationships. I'll look at a guy and be like, I wouldn't have done it that

• 52:37Alex Cooper?

  way. But I'm not publicly crucifying him, but I'm, I'm for sure clocking it. But I do think if this becomes a pattern, I think I've had a lot of friends who have had moments like this in previous relationships, um, that they're like, he's embarrassing me when we're out. I have a friend who used to date this guy, that it was like, the minute the drink started flowing, the minute the public like facade opened and he's this party guy and he's, he's talking and he's loud and he's doing all this. She was like, I'm embarrassed. And I would say to her,

• 53:12Alex Cooper?

  He is a reflection of you, right? So if it's a one-off dinner and something happens with your partner and you're like, you acted like an ass, like what the fuck? Got it. Talk to him when you get home, boom. But if this is consistent, I think this is something you have to look at of, it kind of doesn't matter the dinner party. It is actually like this is a personality trait of this person and they are a direct reflection on you. And so at some point it then is on you. Like I think at some point you, you then do become kind of like your partner and you do kind of become responsible to some degree. I'm not saying ladies that were responsible for all these men's actions, but to some capacity, if every single time you are going to a dinner party with all of your friends and your boyfriend is constantly ruining things,

• 53:56Alex Cooper?

  people are probably going to stop inviting you guys as much or not wanting to invite him or feeling different. And like, that's not fair to you, right? Cause it is a reflection on you. You are choosing to be in a relationship with this person. You are choosing to be partnered with this person and you are choosing to impose this person onto this friend group. Cause guess what? If they all were like, we don't want him here, but we'll let him be here because of you. There's like a weird, oh my God, I could do a whole episode on that. There's like this weird dynamic where it's like you have a responsibility over your partner to a certain extent. Again, very nuanced, but yeah, I'm sorry. I, I, I just think, um, again, context clues here of like, how often does this happen? If it was a one-off, I get it.

• 54:41Alex Cooper?

  I also think sometimes like if this happens a lot and if he over drinks in moments or whatever, code words, hey babe, save it for home, save it for home. And if he looks at you, I think there's something really important that I always want in relationships is like,

• 54:57Alex Cooper?

  I could never be with someone who is different in public than they are behind closed doors. That to me is like,

• 55:05Alex Cooper?

  I don't know, I just wouldn't feel safe. And I think something that I have been so fortunate in meeting Matt, because I had the opposite with a lot of relationships was like, when we are in public and when we are private, like, I'm not getting a different version of this person. And when we are in public, there's such a, um, like a team feeling if there's, if people are drinking and things are like, we're, we got this, like, we're together, we, we have our eye contact, we know if someone's being inappropriate and weird towards us, we're like, oh, my God, okay, like, you want to feel like you're a team and you want to feel like you're safe with your person. But if it's your person that's making you feel embarrassed, unsafe, not really like, it's not congruent with who you are, and it's not really aligning with

• 55:47Alex Cooper?

  your morals and your values. I think that, again, it's the friendship around you that's kind of mirroring back on to you, like, wow, my friend's boyfriend never does that. They, he, she never has to kind of reel him in, like, it's all mirroring that you're feeling insecure within your own relationship, and that is something that you also then do have to handle behind closed doors.

• 56:09Alex Cooper?

  Whoo, guys, dating the guy who is the party boy, or the life of the party, or the guy that's always like the most talkative, it's such a thrill and it can be so fun. But having that as your life partner, and it can be a little bit of a disaster. I'm not saying every situation, if you've had success, obviously amazing, but it is something to look for, because it can make you feel really small and really out of control in moments. And when they're like, it's just my personality, babe, and you're like, oh, am I like then dimming his light, like, no, you're not dimming a man's light, you, honestly, ever. If you're ever feeling like he needs to be dimmed the fuck down, then he needs to be dimmed the fuck down, probably.

• 56:50Alex Cooper?

  Okay, that is it for this Sunday session. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Um, always open to suggestions for topics that you want to hear me talk about, and I will keep you guys updated on all of my trips coming up, and all the good things happening, and write in to call her daddy and let me know what's going on in your life that Father Cooper can help you with. I love you guys so much. I will see you fuckers on Wednesday. Goodbye.

• 57:36Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Klaviyo. So Klaviyo says it's your brand's best friend. Bold claim, but here's the thing.

• 58:17Alex Cooper?

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• 58:58Alex Cooper?

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