Come Get Fat With Tom Segura | Your Mom's House Ep. 837

Tom will be touring in Tacoma, Washington at the Emerald Queen Casino, and after that, Oakland, California, at the Paramount Theatre November 30th. Go get your tickets now at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: - Don’t miss out on early Black Friday deals. Head to https://Wayfair.com now to shop Wayfair’s Black Friday deals for up to 70% off. - Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/momshouse - Use code YMH at https://monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year. What's up, Chomos?!? It's a super-sized episode as Tom and Christina spiral into complete chaos as they announce Tom’s brand new Italian bakery opening in Austin, debate the official hierarchy of Small Fat, Mid Fat & Super Fat, and revisit one of YMH’s greatest Cool Guys — the meth dude who “came in 4 strokes.” The mommies also break down a billionaire who lost over $300 million gambling, roast Bezos and Zuckerberg’s glow-ups, and discuss why every CEO is suddenly shredded. Plus: fat pets, fart mics, autistic rant guy, and the saddest cat breastfeeding story ever told. Your Mom’s House Ep. 837 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:46 - A Taste Of IT-Ly 00:05:40 - Opening Chaos & Classic Cool Guy Musings 00:10:55 - What Type Of Fat Are You? 00:19:51 - Clip: Rant On Autism 00:22:26 - Clip: The Drooling Gambler 00:29:47 - Clip: Fat Love 00:35:53 - Fat Pets 00:44:49 - Clip: Ex Liked My Farts 00:46:12 - Fit CEO's 00:54:51 - Tommy Lasorda 00:58:31 - Clip: Dressed Up 01:00:57 - Horrible Or Hilarious 01:04:18 - Indian Hospitals 01:08:08 - TikToks 01:14:09 - Closing Song - "Principal Coffee" by Chydah Sneeze Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Segura?

  Hey everyone, I have some exciting shows coming up on Saturday, November 29th. I will be in Tacoma, Washington at the Emerald Queen Casino. After that, I'll be in Oakland, California at the Paramount Theater on November 30th. Tickets and all info is at tomsegura.com/tour.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

• 0:27Tom Segura?

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• 1:10Tom Segura?

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• 1:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh!

• 1:34Tom Segura?

  Welcome to another momisode of Your Mama's Place.

• 1:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Benvenuto! I love your shirt.

• 1:41Tom Segura?

  Thanks, I am very excited. Some of you know that I've been a longtime superfan of croissants.

• 1:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, you said that so nicely.

• 1:51Tom Segura?

  And I try them in any city where people go, "You gotta try them." But my all-time favorites were at a place called Cinquetera West in Los Angeles. I used to go there and I would buy a pizza box worth of croissants.

• 2:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  You did.

• 2:07Tom Segura?

  And then I would walk around and I would give people free ones on my walk.

• 2:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 2:12Tom Segura?

  I'd be like, "You want one? You want one?"

• 2:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  True story.

• 2:13Tom Segura?

  And I would only bring home the remaining 42. Anyway, I was such a big fan of that place, I still am. And I befriended the owners and then...

• 2:25Tom Segura?

  About a year and a half ago, we started talking about opening a place here in Austin. And so we broke ground and that place is under construction. It should be open sometime after the new year. But in the meantime, we have a pop-up location and it's at the fairgrounds downtown underneath the Wells Fargo building. That's on the corner, I think, Second and Brazos on this side. And then Congress is on the other side. Yeah. So anyway, I stopped by today. I picked up some pastries and brought them in. But if you're listening to this show, the day that it comes out or anytime after, that pop-up is open.

• 3:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 3:02Tom Segura?

  We're open for business. So if you want to make your way to downtown ATX and go to the fairgrounds, like I said, the Wells Fargo building, you can hit up our pop-up location and it's really, really good.

• 3:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your croissants, all the pastries that I've tried are outrageous. I can't believe that you, your love of the croissant was such that you brought this guy

• 3:25Tom Segura?

  I brought it here.

• 3:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  From LA.

• 3:27Tom Segura?

  Yes. He's from, like, he's from Italy.

• 3:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 3:30Tom Segura?

  And then he's lived in LA for many years and he had a place there. But this place that we're opening here, I'm telling you, like, I just, I was just there and they had just baked plain chocolate and then they had the pastries with blueberries.

• 3:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my.

• 3:47Tom Segura?

  Pears.

• 3:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck.

• 3:49Tom Segura?

  They had a raisin one, they had a paca. Then they had homemade focaccia with onions.

• 3:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Unreal.

• 3:54Tom Segura?

  And then he did pizza with prosciutto and another one with burrata.

• 3:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're gonna like the way you look. And it's, it's real Italian, it's from Italy.

• 4:02Tom Segura?

  They're from Italy.

• 4:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  So if you guys have never been to Italy, this is a taste.

• 4:06Tom Segura?

  Dante, Luchano. They're, they're off the fucking boat, man. They're sitting there spitting their Italy into each other.

• 4:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, what's the place called? I don't know if you said the name, did you say?

• 4:17Tom Segura?

  Chichibomba.

• 4:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chichibomba. But how do you spell that for the?

• 4:20Tom Segura?

  C I C C I O bomba, B O M B A. And it means little fat ass, that's what you call a little fat ass kid in Italy.

• 4:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, a gordito.

• 4:31Tom Segura?

  A little gordito, you call him Chichibomba. Yeah, he's about bomba, but he's about to explode. He's about to explode, you little fat.

• 4:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's really cute. Such a sweet little thing.

• 4:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's really cool.

• 4:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so authentic too, which is what's so special, because the pastries you eat here in the US sometimes are just dog shit.

• 4:47Tom Segura?

  They are.

• 4:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Compared to European.

• 4:48Tom Segura?

  And here's the thing, I do really watch what I eat these days.

• 4:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 4:52Tom Segura?

  But if I'm gonna indulge, I want it to be worth it.

• 4:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dog.

• 4:55Tom Segura?

  Sometimes you go, oh, I'm just gonna eat this dog shit pastry. And then you have the calories without the taste.

• 5:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 5:01Tom Segura?

  You're like, I just wasted this.

• 5:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so angry.

• 5:03Tom Segura?

  So what I'm gonna say to you guys is if you wanna get fat.

• 5:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 5:06Tom Segura?

  Get fat with me.

• 5:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 5:07Tom Segura?

  Come to my fat place.

• 5:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get fat with Tom Segura.

• 5:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chichibomba.

• 5:12Tom Segura?

  We're gonna show this footage in about six months. And be like, wow, Tom, you put on forty five pounds.

• 5:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 5:17Tom Segura?

  Well, I opened a bakery.

• 5:20Tom Segura?

  And now I can't fit into my shirts no more. Yeah.

• 5:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't see the danger?

• 5:24Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 5:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like.

• 5:25Tom Segura?

  Even there, they were like, you look skinny today. Maybe not in a few months.

• 5:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  No way.

• 5:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know.

• 5:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's so exciting, Gene. I cannot fucking wait.

• 5:37Tom Segura?

  And we have a coffee, of course, espresso, cappuccino. You have what you want. It's your life. You live your life. You eat what you want.

• 5:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Live your life. Speaking of cappuccino, I'm drinking this coffee here. And watch this, this is my new lipstick I'm wearing, the liquid lipstick Evermore and Nocturne. Watch this.

• 5:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, look at that. Not a goddamn bit of lipstick on this cup. That's how strong this liquid lipstick is. It will stay the F.

• 6:05Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 6:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Own. So this is the first shade, Nocturne. Oh yeah, there's nothing on the cup.

• 6:10Tom Segura?

  Tutto ciò che è italiano è migliore.

• 6:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  ChristinaP.com for all my lipsticks are available and my blush, which is to die for. You will, you're gonna like the way you look. Buy it now for the holidays so that you don't forget.

• 6:22Tom Segura?

  You heard it here. Stroke that thing in four strokes.

• 6:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God, I forgot the four strokes.

• 6:29Tom Segura?

  Oh, we can revisit it at some point.

• 6:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  He came in four. His penis, his dick had become so sensitive. That's what he said, right?

• 6:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  His dick had become so sensitive.

• 6:40Tom Segura?

  Oh, my bad.

• 6:43Tom Segura?

  I just fucked this up, man. I don't know how to stop it.

• 6:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chaos!

• 6:48Tom Segura?

  There you go. My bad.

• 6:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's fine, it's fine.

• 7:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

• 7:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's good water. Meow, meow, meow, meow, and your mom is a whore. She likes dicks.

• 7:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dicks, your mother.

• 7:33Tom Segura?

  I realized, I was looking for the, for this for you. He jacked off in four strokes. And I hit the wrong button. And dick had become so sensitive.

• 7:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I had forgotten all about him.

• 7:44Tom Segura?

  He was the man.

• 7:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  But can I tell you what these cool guys, like I go full circle, like I go through repulsion.

• 7:49Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 7:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I go through anger, I go through depression, sadness.

• 7:53Tom Segura?

  It's called the stages of cool. Yeah. Those are the stages of being cool.

• 7:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Totally.

• 7:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  But now I'm in full acceptance of him.

• 8:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 8:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I'm ready to revisit if you are anytime soon. What's going on? You getting a text from him or something?

• 8:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He's got an important text. Don't worry about it.

• 8:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who's it from?

• 8:11Tom Segura?

  It's, um. I couldn't believe how big his dick was. It's from him.

• 8:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was his brother.

• 8:15Tom Segura?

  His brother, yeah. Yeah.

• 8:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he was jacking off with his brother.

• 8:19Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah, because they smoked meth. And then, and then he's like, I can come so fast. And you don't need Viagra, you don't need Cialis.

• 8:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't need lube, you don't need spit.

• 8:27Tom Segura?

  No. I'll let anybody below me. That was another.

• 8:31Tom Segura?

  Fun detail that he gave. Like, I like blowjobs, but I don't even care who it is. I'll come fast if it's on meth.

• 8:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. But see, that's cool. Like, now I see the coolness in that.

• 8:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 8:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Before I was repulsed, and now I'm accepted.

• 8:45Tom Segura?

  That's wild from you, because you really never liked it before.

• 8:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, as I've changed, forever changed.

• 8:50Tom Segura?

  That's so cool.

• 8:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 8:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Let me see if I can find my guy here. Where is he? Oh, here he is.

• 8:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  God.

• 8:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yep, there he is.

• 9:00Speaker 03

  If you've had any kind of erectile disorder problems, I'm here to tell you, forget about Viagra, forget about Cialis, forget about dick and plants and all that stuff.

• 9:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:11Speaker 03

  So I don't know if you believe me or not.

• 9:13Tom Segura?

  I don't.

• 9:14Speaker 03

  But if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick.

• 9:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 9:17Speaker 03

  Then get harder any other way. And once you get harder and harder, the more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. It's unbelievable.

• 9:24Tom Segura?

  It's unbelievable.

• 9:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, pause for one second.

• 9:25Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did he say it doesn't get harder any other way?

• 9:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it doesn't get hard any other way.

• 9:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, this completely, this is like when you see something and then you see a new layer to the painting.

• 9:37Tom Segura?

  Hmm, like a Kubrick film.

• 9:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:39Tom Segura?

  You go back and you're like, oh, wow, I didn't know that.

• 9:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I didn't realize he had erectile problems.

• 9:45Tom Segura?

  He does, yeah. He found the solution.

• 9:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he has no neuropathy issues.

• 9:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's, well, that's your, you know, you're kind of giving away one of the big points coming up, yeah.

• 9:54Speaker 03

  You become so sensitive that you don't need lube, you don't need spit.

• 9:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 9:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:57Speaker 03

  You just stroke that dickhead this up and down.

• 10:00Tom Segura?

  Just the head?

• 10:01Speaker 03

  Just, just bear to do it.

• 10:02Tom Segura?

  Just stroke the head?

• 10:03Speaker 03

  An enormous amount of very thick.

• 10:06Tom Segura?

  Ah.

• 10:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's thick.

• 10:07Speaker 03

  Thick, hot, white.

• 10:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I like it thick.

• 10:10Tom Segura?

  It's gonna be white.

• 10:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:11Tom Segura?

  We didn't think it would be green, but yeah.

• 10:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it's thick, and I think that's the crucial point with meth, because you're very dehydrated when you smoke a lot of meth.

• 10:19Tom Segura?

  Are you?

• 10:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Amphetamine. Yeah, it makes you thirsty as shit.

• 10:21Tom Segura?

  How do you know that?

• 10:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because I have family members that have done it.

• 10:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he had pretty parched.

• 10:27Speaker 03

  My brother didn't believe me.

• 10:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:29Speaker 03

  But when he smoked with me, he put out his dick. I couldn't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes.

• 10:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:35Speaker 03

  He shot the most cum he'd ever shot in his life.

• 10:37Tom Segura?

  Did he say that?

• 10:38Speaker 03

  Forty-nine, and he's fine. He has no neuropathy problems at all.

• 10:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's fine.

• 10:41Speaker 03

  But his dick gets even harder and thicker and even more cum. He believes me now.

• 10:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so I think one of the things you're getting from there is that he has neuropathy issues.

• 10:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Correct.

• 10:52Tom Segura?

  That's why he's making the qualification. He doesn't have any, you know, my brother doesn't have neuropathy issues.

• 10:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Therefore, you know what that is? Deductive reasoning.

• 11:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 11:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  And, and you said, therefore I have it. And that's why he chose meth to help him get hard ons.

• 11:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Well, it's amazing that this show has been out this long and this clip and no one has been like, oh, Ted. You know, like no one's ever hit us up about him.

• 11:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause.

• 11:17Tom Segura?

  I do not believe that he is still with us on this earth. That's my guess. But yeah.

• 11:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Does anybody know who this man is?

• 11:25Tom Segura?

  I mean, we've asked for years. I'd be very surprised if somebody.

• 11:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, this and the Benadryl guy.

• 11:30Tom Segura?

  He's dead.

• 11:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's confirmed.

• 11:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's dead. He died a few years ago. Benadryl?

• 11:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's dead. Very dead.

• 11:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel like I didn't even get a chance to mourn.

• 11:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where is he?

• 11:43Tom Segura?

  He used to have a thing, I thought.

• 11:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, there he is. Yeah, he used to be.

• 11:46Tom Segura?

  Oh, there's four strokes. Yeah.

• 11:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well.

• 11:49Tom Segura?

  Kind of looks like any. Where's any today?

• 11:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sick.

• 11:54Tom Segura?

  Oh, he's sick.

• 11:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 11:56Tom Segura?

  Well, here's a clip I was going to play for you. Would you like to see it? Here you go.

• 11:59Speaker 04

  Can you tell me what category of fat I fit in? So it's based on your shirt size. If you are a one or two X, you are small fat. Three to four X, you are mid fat. Five to six X, you are super fat. It's based on what level of privilege you have in the world.

• 12:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's based on privilege.

• 12:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 12:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  The sizing.

• 12:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah. I mean, she further explains.

• 12:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure.

• 12:20Speaker 04

  So someone in a small fat category may not struggle getting on an airplane, but someone in a mid fat or super fat may not be able to use even the airplane extender. So that's where that comes in and like the privilege levels of like what fat means to different people.

• 12:36Tom Segura?

  That's pretty cool. I didn't know that. Um, I've definitely been small fat and I think I've been mid fat too. So I've had different levels of privilege.

• 12:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've had to use the, you couldn't use the extender?

• 12:48Tom Segura?

  I've never had a seatbelt extender, but I'm saying, she said based on her shirt size thing. Cause I was definitely XL, double X. I think I was a 3X a couple of times too. But yeah, now I'm, now I'm fully privileged.

• 13:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I think-

• 13:02Tom Segura?

  I'm just L.

• 13:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Privilege, I don't know if the, I think what she's trying to say is like, levels of living you can do. Cause privilege to me, sounds like it's unwarranted. Like, doesn't that connotate like, just because of your birth, you're born a white blonde lady?

• 13:18Tom Segura?

  Can I tell you something?

• 13:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 13:19Tom Segura?

  You sound like a real bitch right now.

• 13:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I sound like I'm full of privilege.

• 13:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 13:25Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 15:53Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 15:59Tom Segura?

  Well, she's saying that like if you're a 4, 5, 6X, you don't have the privilege that people who are not that size have, right?

• 16:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  The opposite is true then. Like, there is privilege to being...

• 16:11Tom Segura?

  No. There's privilege to not being 5 and 6X.

• 16:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I know.

• 16:16Tom Segura?

  So you're a fucking asshole who has privilege because you're not a 6X.

• 16:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  My invisible knapsack of privilege that I carry around with me?

• 16:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's one of them.

• 16:25Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. You can fucking walk up these stairs. That must be nice. You can fit in a booth. Real, real cool.

• 16:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I do think if you're heavy, there's a certain way you should dress.

• 16:43Tom Segura?

  And that's not it.

• 16:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not it. And the hair is not it. Like, if you're gonna be, if you're gonna be noticeable because of your size, I would try to like, make my style less...

• 16:54Tom Segura?

  By the way...

• 16:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Volume, you know?

• 16:56Tom Segura?

  She's close to not being fat. She's not that big.

• 16:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I don't think she's big.

• 16:59Tom Segura?

  No.

• 17:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wouldn't say she's...

• 17:01Tom Segura?

  By her own, you know...

• 17:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Privilege?

• 17:03Tom Segura?

  Well, by her own list, I think she's small fat.

• 17:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's small fat.

• 17:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 17:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. So she's got all the privileges.

• 17:08Tom Segura?

  You better hand over the reins to some super fat because you're not gonna be there much longer.

• 17:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is anybody there super fat?

• 17:14Tom Segura?

  I don't think they had a super fat. I mean, I was just looking at the room.

• 17:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see.

• 17:18Tom Segura?

  Well, in the previous one we saw, well, the one who was asking...

• 17:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you tell me what category of fat I fit in? So she's small fat?

• 17:26Tom Segura?

  I mean, yeah, probably 2X, something like that, I think.

• 17:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's not that big. I mean, look, it's so easy to be fat. It's like...

• 17:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's, God, it happens so fast.

• 17:36Tom Segura?

  Well, that guy on the left isn't fat at all. He's probably like, haha, you guys are fat, I'm not.

• 17:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's like, oh, I'm checking my privilege.

• 17:42Tom Segura?

  Isn't that guy there? He's probably an XL or maybe 2X.

• 17:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I definitely think that Crocs are a bad shoe when you're fat. Those types of items accentuate your heaviness.

• 17:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but I think they're comfortable.

• 17:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Exactly. So when you're fat, you shouldn't dress comfortably. You should be less comfortably dressed.

• 18:00Tom Segura?

  Because you're fat.

• 18:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because you'll look shittier. Here's, let me say this.

• 18:03Tom Segura?

  Interesting.

• 18:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was at the track meet with the kid the other day.

• 18:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  And there are people wearing sweatshirts. Universally, sweatshirts look like shit.

• 18:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  No matter if you're thin, young, old, you look like a fucking garbage bag in sweats.

• 18:18Tom Segura?

  As Karl Lagerfeld would say, somebody who has given up on it.

• 18:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've given up on life. So you already look like you've given up. Don't, I'm sorry, you've already given up. Don't look like you've given up.

• 18:28Tom Segura?

  Oh, right.

• 18:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Try to reverse the trend.

• 18:30Tom Segura?

  That's interesting.

• 18:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so easy to get fat. It's so fucking easy.

• 18:33Tom Segura?

  It really is, man.

• 18:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  God damn it.

• 18:35Tom Segura?

  Every day is a battle to not be fatter. Every day. Every fucking day.

• 18:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so hard.

• 18:42Tom Segura?

  I woke up today and just was like yogurt, protein, fruit.

• 18:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  It sucks.

• 18:48Tom Segura?

  White fucking like oatmeal bullshit and then honey and then I worked out and then I came home and I ate eggs and berries. Yeah, it's all just like, don't be fat. Don't be fat. Eat this food and don't be fat.

• 19:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Live longer.

• 19:00Tom Segura?

  And then I opened a fucking bakery to get fat as fuck. I'm gonna be so fat.

• 19:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  So fat. We just can't go there, Gene.

• 19:08Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 19:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mommy, we cannot go to.

• 19:10Speaker 06

  Come by my bakery.

• 19:12Speaker 07

  Tracy Bumba.

• 19:13Speaker 06

  Tracy Bumba.

• 19:15Speaker 07

  I'm Tom Sager and I'm plus size fat. Come to Tracy Bumba.

• 19:22Speaker 06

  I used to be regular size and now I'm a 6X and I'm super fat. You wanna have a cornetti with me?

• 19:31Tom Segura?

  They're so good, too. I did sample bites and I was like, I gotta get out of here.

• 19:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course. It's disgusting. Can I tell you to these French where they say, oh, the French women, they have croissant every morning with their cappuccino. Bullshit. These bitches have two little, two little bites, the morsel, and I'm so full.

• 19:48Tom Segura?

  That's kind of the key to it.

• 19:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's how you do it.

• 19:49Tom Segura?

  That's what you, that's what you discover. Guess what? You're not gonna get fat if you have a couple bites.

• 19:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Two bites.

• 19:54Tom Segura?

  You're gonna get fat if you have four whole things.

• 19:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dog. And if you're middle aged, just smelling it. You're destroyed.

• 20:03Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 20:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can't even, you just can't.

• 20:05Tom Segura?

  I could see my future when I was there today.

• 20:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 20:08Tom Segura?

  And they're like, this is yours, you're the owner, eat what you want. And I was like, um, I should go.

• 20:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's how I feel if I owned a bar.

• 20:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's lights out, like a wine bar, like a dark, moody wine bar that I, I owned. Oh, I'm an alcoholic.

• 20:26Tom Segura?

  Drink the place out of business.

• 20:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Every day. And then I gotta order some hummus with that.

• 20:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or whatever. Yeah.

• 20:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and you have diarrhea. Yeah.

• 20:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's tapas. Yeah, I would just order pizzas and shit and god damn it. It's just, you just can't have fun anymore. The fun is over. When you're 50, the fun ends.

• 20:45Tom Segura?

  The fun in when you get older is telling people how it is. That's what's, that's the new fun is that you get to tell people how it is, like this guy.

• 20:53Speaker 08

  And kids with autism are not my fucking problem. You take care of your fucking problem. I gotta manage mine. There's your fucking autism help.

• 21:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 21:02Speaker 08

  Take care of your own fucking losers.

• 21:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 21:04Speaker 08

  Okay. I already have a tough enough time handling my own shit.

• 21:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:08Speaker 08

  Take your little fucking autistic kids, go fuck yourself, figure out your own fucking problems. You had that kid, not me. You raised that kid, not me. Nobody's responsible for raising that kid but you. Take your autism, shove it up your ass.

• 21:23Tom Segura?

  So it's just a cool, kind of well-balanced guy, member of society?

• 21:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's in a limo. What is he in? Some kind of car?

• 21:30Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 21:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's on his break. He lit it, he backlit it.

• 21:33Tom Segura?

  How do you get that fired up about an autistic kid?

• 21:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ugh, I mean, he's gonna be bummed when like, it's the autistic doctor that's saving his life on an operating table. Cause lo and behold, a lot of those autistics are pretty fucking smart.

• 21:46Tom Segura?

  You think the guy's about to save his life and then he just takes his phone and he goes, do you remember this? I'm gonna let you die now. Fuck you.

• 21:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't, I wouldn't put down autistics. They're highly intelligent.

• 21:58Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 21:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're in so many facets of society.

• 22:00Tom Segura?

  This guy is unhinged. This is one of the wilder rants that I've seen.

• 22:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 22:03Tom Segura?

  Fuck your kids? I don't know, man.

• 22:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Man, this is a dark one, Tim.

• 22:08Tom Segura?

  I know. He's really, really angry. He must post shit like this all the time, I'm guessing.

• 22:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what? Okay, here's what it is.

• 22:13Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 22:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's the kind of guy that's like, oh, this new tax thing came out. Our money, our tax money is going to help autistic kids in Rochester County or whatever. And he's pissed because his tax money is going there. Some stupid shit like that. Proposition five.

• 22:32Tom Segura?

  The guys that go to the council meetings?

• 22:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 22:34Tom Segura?

  And they wait in line?

• 22:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  This asshole.

• 22:35Tom Segura?

  And they walk up, they go, fuck your kids. And they're like, thanks, thank you for voicing your concerns, sir.

• 22:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's him. He's mad about some shit that doesn't apply to him. Nothing to do with him.

• 22:45Tom Segura?

  Guys are angry, man.

• 22:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Could you imagine, though, displacing your anger that hot? Actually, I can.

• 22:50Tom Segura?

  I mean.

• 22:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm pretty rational and stupid.

• 22:52Tom Segura?

  And the thing is, when you post it on social media, you really are just like, you're just, he's just yelling at his phone.

• 22:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 22:57Tom Segura?

  And then, you know, you upload it and you're like, oh, that feels better. But I mean, you're not, all you're doing is making sure everyone knows that you're an asshole, right? That's what he did.

• 23:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  But do you, do you, is he looking at the comments and then hoping to start a fight?

• 23:11Tom Segura?

  Maybe. I don't know. This guy seems like he's real, like this, this is probably what fuels him.

• 23:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 23:16Tom Segura?

  Is saying crazy shit like this.

• 23:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  The autistic kids.

• 23:19Tom Segura?

  You want to see someone who's also kind of off a little bit?

• 23:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  No lipstick on the cup. Still, Brew.

• 23:24Tom Segura?

  Pretty crazy. Check this out. This is insanity.

• 23:28Speaker 01

  What do you think you lost lifetime gambling? Including that 30 million? 350? 300.

• 23:36Tom Segura?

  He's drooling.

• 23:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, no, I know. How does he have that much money?

• 23:40Tom Segura?

  I don't know. But look, he also seems like he's like.

• 23:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Touched, yeah.

• 23:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's touched. If he were a kid, the other guy'd be yelling at him.

• 23:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was gonna say that.

• 23:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you did, so that I didn't have to.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  150 million. The bulk of that, uh, probably to the seizures corporation. Yes. The seizures corporation.

• 23:59Tom Segura?

  Wipe your mouth.

• 23:59Speaker 01

  And that was in two and a half years.

• 24:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. He's just drooling, thinking about gambling.

• 24:05Speaker 01

  No more, uh, people. And you were living here at the time, or you're still coming? I was living in the suite. Living in the suite? Living on property. Matter of fact, in 2007. Caesars Corporation says 5.6 of its entire gambling revenue came from you alone. Yes, 5.6%. Of their entire money came from Terry Watanabe.

• 24:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  So what is he, just like a Japanese inheritance?

• 24:33Tom Segura?

  Terry Watanabe, yeah, he is an inheritance guy. Came between 2007, 8 at Caesars Palace and the Rio in Vegas. He was the billionaire so lost in Vegas that casinos allegedly kept him wired on booze, painkillers and cocaine. Betting 200,000 a hand, once offering 50K to open In-N-Out at 3 a.m. Just to feed his entourage after an all-night gambling binge. After selling his family's company, Oriental Trading, his word, not mine. Watanabe became an ultra-high-stakes gambler. He reportedly gambled almost every day, betting millions of dollars per session on blackjack and other casino games. Casinos extended him enormous credit lines, sometimes tens of millions, and treated him lavishly with private suites, staff and luxury perks to keep him gambling.

• 25:19Tom Segura?

  His spiral was fueled by a combination of addiction, depression and the casino's encouragement. He was known to drink heavily while gambling and later alleged the casinos kept serving him alcohol, allowing him to gamble when even visibly impaired. He ultimately lost over 200 million, one of the largest individual losses in history. Caesars sued him over unpaid debts. He countersued, claiming the casino exploited his addiction. The case was settled privately. Since then, his story has become a cautionary tale about casino practices and gambling addiction among the ultra-wealthy.

• 25:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, just to get this straight, he cashed out the Oriental Trading Company, which was a huge...

• 25:57Tom Segura?

  It was his family's and they were like, "You now get this." And he was like, "Fuck this bullshit, I'm going to Vegas."

• 26:04Tom Segura?

  "I'm gonna go fuck everything up."

• 26:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  God.

• 26:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 26:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he doesn't have a terminal illness or anything? He's just an asshole?

• 26:11Tom Segura?

  He's just an addict.

• 26:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like all of us?

• 26:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 26:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, fuck this.

• 26:14Tom Segura?

  He's an addict. He's a hardcore addict. He's still drooling, so he's maybe hasn't resolved it yet. I mean, maybe he's on pain pills right now.

• 26:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you really blame the casino, though? I'm curious to see what the lawsuit.

• 26:25Tom Segura?

  I don't think you can blame him. I mean, I do think they probably were like, this is wild. We gotta, you know, give him another fucking tequila. This guy is.

• 26:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course, they were loving it. But that's what they do to everybody.

• 26:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 26:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's not special.

• 26:39Tom Segura?

  No, and then nobody could get him away from there because they were having a good time. Like, if your friend, if your friend is the guy doing that, you're just hanging out. You're like, do it again. Bet another 200 grand, you'll get it back.

• 26:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, that's the problem with being rich. Nobody tells you no.

• 26:52Tom Segura?

  No one says no.

• 26:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody's saying no to you.

• 26:53Tom Segura?

  And that's like mega rich. I mean, that's, you know, 200 grand a hand?

• 26:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so nihilistic.

• 26:59Tom Segura?

  So you go through the shoe and you're like, whatever, I lost 4 million. Let's just do it again. It's like fucking crazy. It's crazy.

• 27:06Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 27:51Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 28:33Tom Segura?

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• 29:15Tom Segura?

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• 29:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't enjoy gambling, so I don't get this form of addiction.

• 29:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I kinda get it, but I've never had the real, like, I've never had the urge to really go hard, you know? I've done like a few hundred bucks, I think I've bet $1,000 on something, but that to me was like, I mean, heart palpitations, I was like, yeah.

• 29:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like how it feels to lose hard-earned money.

• 29:57Tom Segura?

  It hurts, man.

• 29:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  It sucks, like, it doesn't, because you, guess what, guys? The house, the saying is like, the customer always wins, right?

• 30:05Tom Segura?

  Right, that's how it goes. If you're into gambling, the expression is you're definitely not gonna lose. That's how they say it.

• 30:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Winners win, so like, you know.

• 30:15Tom Segura?

  I remember too, how, I can remember, like, it was yesterday, I went to, I was in Vegas, I was doing a gig, and before the gig, we went to the, one of the rooms to gamble, we were playing blackjack, and I was winning and betting, you know, a few hundred dollars a hand, and I won $7,500.

• 30:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 30:34Tom Segura?

  And I was riding such a high, like, I went to the show and I was like, da-da-da, and we got back and I was like, let's go back in there. And people were trying to tell me, they're like, don't, you won. I was like, nah, man, so let's go back. And I lost what I'd won, I lost the $7,500 within minutes. And then I went to my room and I stared at the ceiling.

• 30:55Tom Segura?

  For an hour and I felt so empty and depressed. And that was for $7,500 that I'd won two hours earlier.

• 31:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 31:04Tom Segura?

  And it just, it killed me. I hated it. I hated the feeling. It was so depressing. I can't imagine.

• 31:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 31:11Tom Segura?

  If you're talking about tens of thousands or millions of dollars, like I don't, I can't imagine what you do.

• 31:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I'm wondering, cause his reaction, he's, he's drooling and he doesn't seem to be. He doesn't seem to have that level of self-reflection.

• 31:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's like, I would do it again if I could sell another company.

• 31:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course. He's a hardcore addict.

• 31:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, there's no sense of remorse.

• 31:37Tom Segura?

  He just doesn't have anymore. But he was like, you don't have any more money.

• 31:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's like, oh, okay.

• 31:41Tom Segura?

  Okay. I go back now. I go home.

• 31:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Poor guy. He's really in his suffering. He really hates himself.

• 31:48Tom Segura?

  Want to say that I feel like.

• 31:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Piece of shit.

• 31:51Tom Segura?

  Fats might feel.

• 31:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 31:53Tom Segura?

  Attacked, you know, by those. And I just want them to know that you can still find love. You can.

• 31:58Speaker 09

  Think you can lift me up while we in this water. Let me see.

• 32:02Speaker 09

  Try to be Hercules before me. Hercules, Hercules.

• 32:06Speaker 09

  My boyfriend, Wendell, and I have been together for six years. He slid in my DMs a couple of times and I ignored him. But, once he wrote me and said, hey, could I take you out to dinner? I was like, oh, well, you should have started with that, sir.

• 32:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 32:23Speaker 09

  Ain't this how it went? Yeah, you got it right. So far. I was so far.

• 32:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  God bless black men. They love fatso's.

• 32:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Otherwise, this woman would not have love in her life.

• 32:37Tom Segura?

  Well, we saw a couple one time and that was a white guy.

• 32:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, right. A white, a white guy with a white lady.

• 32:44Tom Segura?

  Orca.

• 32:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really.

• 32:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 32:48Tom Segura?

  It was a fucking

• 32:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Very rare. That was something else.

• 32:50Tom Segura?

  Beluga whale was beached and this guy, she was like, Harold. And he, he needed assist. They had a crane that came out and then helped her up. It was wild.

• 33:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  But Gene.

• 33:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gene, tell the listeners how long ago that was. That's before we had kids, babe. We saw that couple.

• 33:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was over 10 years ago.

• 33:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. That's how much that's stuck in our memory. So that's an anomaly, babe. The, the, he was fit.

• 33:16Tom Segura?

  He wasn't fit. He was just a thin guy.

• 33:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. So he was thin, but the wife was shamu.

• 33:20Tom Segura?

  He was middle aged and she was, yeah, it was like a manatee had just like, kind of swam up on the shore and she, she was stuck. She was stuck in the shoreline. She was like, Harold. And then he was like, and she was like, get me up.

• 33:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I remember that he had to go with the waves.

• 33:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then use the momentum to get her out. And you and I were like, what the fuck is happening?

• 33:42Tom Segura?

  I feel like this, that's some sort of kink though, right?

• 33:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean.

• 33:46Tom Segura?

  I think the guy that is with that size isn't just like, oh, I find that attractive. They like the feeling of, of the, the need for them. The caretaking is part of what you get off on because you're like, this person can't do everything by themselves. Like stand up from the ground.

• 34:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, we were in a, we were, it was at Turks and Caicos.

• 34:08Tom Segura?

  It was somewhere. Yeah. It was on a cruise or something.

• 34:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Your parents took us on a cruise after we gotten married. Right? Was that the one?

• 34:14Tom Segura?

  I don't remember.

• 34:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  And so we were, it was a fancy island. Like you needed some scratch to go to this island. This isn't like Margaritaville in, you know, Jacksonville, Florida. This is a real place. Maybe she had money.

• 34:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause I do recall, oh wait, kink. There was one other lady. We, we saw that dynamic in a different place too, one time. And I was like, oh, she's got to have money. She's got to be an heiress.

• 34:44Tom Segura?

  Maybe there's not so much money as that. That's what he gets.

• 34:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Makes his dick hard.

• 34:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Dopamine. He's just like, mm.

• 34:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  She needs me. I wish you had that. Like, so I could just let it go. You could just take care of me.

• 34:55Tom Segura?

  I'll tell you something. That's not coming. So don't even worry about it.

• 34:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know it.

• 35:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I love them though. Oh.

• 35:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  If you do that for me.

• 35:07Speaker 10

  I don't know, it's just something about bigger women, like, heavyset women that I like.

• 35:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 35:11Speaker 10

  I like to play with her. With her arms and stuff. I like to grab up on her, you know, play with her belly and rolls and stuff. You know what I'm saying? Like, I like all of it.

• 35:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  He loves it.

• 35:20Speaker 09

  I feel like, okay, this a whole lot. So if I get something else that's a whole lot, that's gonna be hot. But he is the smallest I have ever dated, ever.

• 35:34Tom Segura?

  He's super skinny.

• 35:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 35:36Tom Segura?

  He's, I'm guessing he's probably around, um, maybe a hundred and forty pounds or something. And then I would say that she's probably like, probably like, getting close to five hundred, you know?

• 35:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 35:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah, she's probably like around five hundred pounds.

• 35:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, cuz he's like, he's like runner skinny.

• 35:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's a real skinny dude.

• 35:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a real skinny guy.

• 35:57Tom Segura?

  That's really cool.

• 35:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'd like to see that. Is there, I'm sure there's porn for this. I just don't wanna watch it.

• 36:03Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 36:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can we look it up, just curiosity?

• 36:06Tom Segura?

  Ah, fuck.

• 36:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just wanna see what it looks like for like a skinny guy to have sex with a really big lady. How do you even do it?

• 36:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cuz they have to do it, think about it. She can't, if she's on her back, she has to hold her stomach up.

• 36:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's hot. Thanks.

• 36:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then if she's...

• 36:23Tom Segura?

  She can't get on top.

• 36:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  She probably can't get into doggy cuz remember when I was super pregnant and we tried? It was so, so fat, I couldn't really do it.

• 36:31Tom Segura?

  I mean, she has to lay on her side, I guess, or lay on her back. If she's that big. And whoever's that big has to.

• 36:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 36:38Tom Segura?

  What happens if there's two super fatties then?

• 36:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 36:42Tom Segura?

  Cuz a real big guy can't mount you if he's that big.

• 36:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, cuz I know somebody that was married to a great big fat person.

• 36:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  And she was normal sized.

• 36:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  And she said they had to do it a certain way, like that too.

• 36:54Tom Segura?

  Oh, my god, I'm gonna throw up.

• 36:58Tom Segura?

  Did you find something?

• 36:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  You found your rugie?

• 37:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where'd you throw that rugie?

• 37:01Tom Segura?

  Because it's making me feel sick talking about this.

• 37:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you put it on the floor like you do in our house?

• 37:06Tom Segura?

  No, I put it in the trash.

• 37:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I find those rugies everywhere. Not just masturbation. Hmm. Oh, okay, there we go. There's a doggy style. But she doesn't seem super fat.

• 37:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but she's pretty big. But that's the idea. She has to lay on her side.

• 37:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  These are privileged fats. I want the non-privileged.

• 37:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you want a super fat. Yeah, yeah.

• 37:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I don't buy this. Doggy style. With her, she can't get on all fours.

• 37:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, these are not, they're not super fatties.

• 37:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  I want real fats, Naona.

• 37:38Tom Segura?

  Oh, my god.

• 37:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  You need a boy to help you look. Girls are not.

• 37:43Tom Segura?

  You know what? We're good. You can take that down. Thanks very much. Appreciate it.

• 37:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Guys know where to find this stuff lickety-split. Like, get Cougar to look. Or whoever's in there.

• 37:54Tom Segura?

  You know who else is fat?

• 37:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who?

• 37:56Tom Segura?

  Any pet we ever get.

• 37:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stop!

• 38:00Tom Segura?

  It started with my family of origin.

• 38:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. Rocket.

• 38:05Tom Segura?

  My parents, every time, they had multiple dogs all my life, and every time we went to the vet, they'd be like, "Hey, so this dog's really sick." And we're like, "Sick?" And they're like, "Well, it's super fat. It's gonna die." If you, what are you feeding it? Do you feed it just like bacon? And my parents would be like, "Oh, um, ah." We're like, "Do you walk your dog?" That was my favorite. And they'd be like, "Yeah, you know, we let him out." I'm like, "No, do you walk him?" They're like, "We've, yeah, we've been meaning to, yeah." You're like, "Hey, you're not a good dog owner," and then they would get super offended.

• 38:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  So mad.

• 38:38Tom Segura?

  They'd be like, "What? We love these dogs." And like, "No, not just the feeling you have. What do you do for the dog?"

• 38:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nothing.

• 38:46Tom Segura?

  Nothing.

• 38:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  So Rocket was a beagle, which beagles are supposed to be really thin because they're not like greatly built dogs. They have to stay thin. But yours was morbidly obese.

• 38:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, his stomach, when he sat on his hind legs, his stomach would hang to the side and on the ground.

• 39:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Poor Rocket.

• 39:05Tom Segura?

  And they were like, "Oh, my god." I remember the vet being like, "This is wildly obese dog."

• 39:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then I remember one time you went with your mom to the vet, and they're like, "He's wildly obese." And then you go, "Should we put him down?"

• 39:17Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 39:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  In front of your mom.

• 39:20Tom Segura?

  She got so mad.

• 39:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  So mad, to me, no to me.

• 39:23Tom Segura?

  What? I'm like, well, he's dying. He's dying because he's under your care. And then, then we got Bitsy.

• 39:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  But hold on, back it up to Rocket. So Rocket was also, in your family's defense, a shitty dog. Meaning, that fucker was licking dinner plates. Like, your mother would clean off the dinner plates, put them in the dishwasher, and he'd be like, huh, huh, huh, licking those. And then he was one of those dogs that would get up on his hind legs and eat anything that was on the counter.

• 39:53Tom Segura?

  I know, and they didn't train, they've never trained a dog. So their dogs, all the dogs always misbehave, and you're like, this is horrible. And then, she would say like, oh, you don't like dogs? I'm like, no, no, no. You're supposed to train your dog. Like, you can train behaviors.

• 40:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can train them not to do that.

• 40:10Tom Segura?

  You can train them to not all be chaotic at all hours, jumping up. Like, you can train them if you actually spend time doing that. And they were like, huh? So the dogs were always just like, it was always chaos.

• 40:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Feral, and then they're constantly barking anytime someone rang the door.

• 40:27Tom Segura?

  Phone rings, or a fucking, yeah, a wind chime blow, ah! The dogs would just go in case.

• 40:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then the dogs bark, and then your mother and your sister and everybody would go, shut up! Shut the fuck up!

• 40:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and you're like, that's not how to train a dog.

• 40:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  So it's a cacophony of like, ding dong, ah, ah, ah, ah, shut the fuck up!

• 40:45Tom Segura?

  Here's a steak. Yeah, yeah. It was just chaos, dude. And he was fat, and even the dog, the vet.

• 40:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  And useless, so useless, doing no tricks.

• 40:53Tom Segura?

  You could feed him like, green beans.

• 40:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  As many as he wanted.

• 40:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and then she did it for one day.

• 40:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 40:58Tom Segura?

  I remember the day, they're like, yeah, he ate a bowl of green beans. I'm like, yeah, well, he's allowed to, that's cool. And then the next day, they were like, we gave him his treats. I'm like, it's good.

• 41:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's the thing, he was a treat hound, so they let him do the stupid treats. Okay, so flash forward to Biskie.

• 41:11Tom Segura?

  Biskie, so Biskie was our...

• 41:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fief was never obese.

• 41:16Tom Segura?

  No, he wasn't. Biskie, though, got fat with us, eating too much. And she's a little tiny Brussels.

• 41:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  A Brussels Griffon.

• 41:24Tom Segura?

  But, when we had to give her to my mother.

• 41:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 41:29Tom Segura?

  Because our youngest has a very high dog allergy, um, Biskie...

• 41:35Tom Segura?

  Wanted to die and she starved herself.

• 41:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's true.

• 41:38Tom Segura?

  And she lost. Yeah, and we were like, oh, it's because of my mother. Like, any, anyone that spends time with my mother just loses the will to live.

• 41:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Starving, wants to starve themselves to death.

• 41:48Tom Segura?

  We're like, what's going on? This dog was fat and now it's like bones and it's like.

• 41:54Tom Segura?

  It gave, it gave, she, she gave the dog anxiety and was like, I can't do this.

• 41:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Literally, the dog got ill.

• 42:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and we're like, well, this is not, this never happened with us.

• 42:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. Biski, sweet little Bitsy, was the opposite because we had two babies at the time.

• 42:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I remember the babies in their high chairs, you know, kids spill half of their food on the floor. So Bitsy was there licking up.

• 42:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which is fine, I was too tired to clean up macaroni and cheese from the floor. So I was grateful that we had her doing that.

• 42:22Tom Segura?

  We had a vacuum, a dog vacuum, yes.

• 42:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let her do it. So that was Biski and now she's barely hanging on. She's skin and bones.

• 42:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, well, she gained a little bit.

• 42:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  A little bit, yeah.

• 42:32Tom Segura?

  But she still is like, I don't want to live.

• 42:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  She doesn't want to live with your mom.

• 42:35Tom Segura?

  No.

• 42:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I wish we could take her back, but I had Julian's blood tested again. The, the doctor says, no bueno, the allergies are out of control. Can't do it with the dog. So we have, we have one cat, Munchy. And then, of course, about a month or two ago.

• 42:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  We adopted another cat.

• 42:52Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 42:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause I'm mentally ill and so your son Ellis too, and we, and the kids, and we love them and I'm gonna throw up.

• 43:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  So here's my problem. Let's see, maybe we can figure this out together in real time. Since we never talk about this, we don't have time to talk about this at home. Are you ready?

• 43:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  So here's the problem. I got, here's why cats are great.

• 43:14Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 43:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everything's automated. The litter box cleans itself. And then I got cat feeders that automatically, so that they're not meowing at you at six in the morning for their meals.

• 43:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, so it's automated. So here's the problem. The little guy needs to eat a certain amount. The big guy, Munchy, needs to eat a certain amount. So there's Biscuit, who's the kitten, and Munchkin, the full grown cat. Okay? So what happens is the food gets suspended at the same time, right next to each other. And now it's a free for all. And who's gonna win eating the food? The big guy.

• 43:46Tom Segura?

  Big guy.

• 43:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  So now Munchy is two pounds overweight.

• 43:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which in cat weight is what, 30 pounds?

• 43:53Tom Segura?

  It's a lot. You can tell, he's, he's a big boy.

• 43:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 43:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's super, he's a super fat extra.

• 43:59Tom Segura?

  Oh, it's a Segura pet. Yeah.

• 44:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Exactly.

• 44:03Tom Segura?

  It's fat.

• 44:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  So what do I do? I don't want to lose the automation.

• 44:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause I'm not, I don't want to wake up to meowing. What the fuck? I gotta separate them.

• 44:11Tom Segura?

  You're not asking the right guy. I don't know.

• 44:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you guys know how to do this? Because the kitten needs to eat. The cat needs to eat.

• 44:18Tom Segura?

  I think the answer is going to be one that, that you don't like.

• 44:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which is me feeding them fucking separately.

• 44:23Tom Segura?

  In separate rooms. Yeah.

• 44:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then what? Eventually the automators I can do once munchkin's weight is stabilized and they get used to eating in these areas.

• 44:31Tom Segura?

  And Biscuit's a little bigger, so.

• 44:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can fight off munch.

• 44:34Tom Segura?

  Hey, fuck off, that's mine. Yeah. Cause right now he's like, oh.

• 44:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Poor Bisky.

• 44:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Little Biscuit is just like, okay, I guess we can eat mine.

• 44:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  So cute. And he breastfeeds on me constantly.

• 44:45Tom Segura?

  But if you want.

• 44:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's, have you had a cat do that? Oh my, so he does biscuits, which is why we call him that Biscuit. But then he starts sucking my shirt.

• 44:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's really sad.

• 44:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the saddest thing.

• 44:58Tom Segura?

  It's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

• 45:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 45:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's just like.

• 45:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Every night.

• 45:02Tom Segura?

  Like sucking on a sweatshirt.

• 45:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I'm like, babe, this is the wrong mom. I got no tits.

• 45:07Tom Segura?

  He's like, I'm fucking, I'm sick of doing this. He like tuckers himself out like, I've tried to get milk out of this bitch for a month. Yeah.

• 45:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, and then he gets full and then he falls asleep. But I've tried getting the bottle feeder, because I was like, oh, maybe he, he doesn't know how to, he won't latch on to that.

• 45:22Tom Segura?

  Why don't you put the bottle feeder through your shirt?

• 45:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm trying to do. I've done it.

• 45:25Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 45:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I've said I've tried, but he doesn't know to suck that. And now I got cat breastfeeding issues. I got a morbid, morbidly obese cat. I got two hamsters that won't fucking die.

• 45:37Tom Segura?

  They're not dead?

• 45:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 45:39Tom Segura?

  God, I thought they were dead.

• 45:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've been waiting patiently.

• 45:41Tom Segura?

  Why don't we give them two biscuits?

• 45:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would fucking love that.

• 45:45Tom Segura?

  And let him just see what he can do.

• 45:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would love that. Cause the hammies, everybody was like, they're gonna die within like two months. It'll be easy. And then they just keep living. It's been a year and change.

• 45:55Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 45:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I'm like, fucking die dude, I don't want to pay for this anymore.

• 45:59Tom Segura?

  Fucking hamsters.

• 45:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  They suck, they hate us. Every time I put my hand in there, they want to bite me. And it's my fault, I'm a shitty owner.

• 46:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't fucking train it.

• 46:07Tom Segura?

  Him to my mom.

• 46:11Tom Segura?

  Give them to my mom, they'll be dead in a week.

• 46:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gene, mommy. Dude, this is such a great idea.

• 46:15Tom Segura?

  We got it.

• 46:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bro.

• 46:17Tom Segura?

  We got an early Christmas present.

• 46:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hi, Tommy. It's a hamster.

• 46:25Tom Segura?

  She has dogs over there, a couple of crazy ones, too.

• 46:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, they'll eat it.

• 46:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's a fun, fun plan.

• 46:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what we should do, dude? Put it in one of those balls. You know, the, yeah, the exercise balls? And then she'll be like, ah, I'm so charming.

• 46:38Tom Segura?

  I love these.

• 46:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Take it home. Why don't you take that home?

• 46:41Tom Segura?

  Take them, take them. Take them, give them an eating disorder and then bring them back.

• 46:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, the hamsters are so well-fed, well-taken care of. They're not dying anytime soon.

• 46:50Tom Segura?

  I got something you're gonna love.

• 46:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, you're gonna like the way I look?

• 46:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Guaranteed.

• 46:53Speaker 07

  My ex-boyfriend loved it when I farted right in his face. And I don't mean just like a little, like two. I mean like wet, loud, messy farts. He loved that. He loved that.

• 47:09Tom Segura?

  Pretty cool, huh?

• 47:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sure he loves you putting a video out there about that.

• 47:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, everyone knows who your ex is.

• 47:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 47:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's cool. I mean, I've been waiting for this my whole life. You're not into it.

• 47:20Tom Segura?

  I'm not into it.

• 47:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know why. It sounds really nice. Imagine it'd be a win-win for you and me both.

• 47:27Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God. It's not a win-win.

• 47:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  What if I was into your smelly, stinky farts? Would you be okay with that?

• 47:34Tom Segura?

  I have never farted in front of you.

• 47:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see that.

• 47:37Tom Segura?

  I've never farted in front of you. I'm never gonna break that barrier.

• 47:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're such a liar.

• 47:41Tom Segura?

  No.

• 47:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Every day of my life, I woke up yesterday to the sound of you irrigating your asshole with a Toto. Cause you ran it on multiple.

• 47:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's not farting though. That's cleaning myself.

• 47:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I know, but then the farts that came after. I hear it all the time.

• 47:58Tom Segura?

  I don't believe you.

• 47:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  If you get up to piss in the middle of the night.

• 48:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then piss and then back.

• 48:04Tom Segura?

  No, no.

• 48:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fart cum machine. That's all you want.

• 48:08Tom Segura?

  Oh, my god.

• 48:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fart cum. It used to be food, but now it's just farts and cum.

• 48:12Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 48:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  And sweat. Now you're like, I'm working out, babe.

• 48:16Tom Segura?

  I'm working out.

• 48:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, I take a good gym.

• 48:18Tom Segura?

  I take a gym.

• 48:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Kettlebell.

• 48:20Tom Segura?

  Kettlebell.

• 48:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I gotta do my cold plunge. Have you cold plunged?

• 48:23Tom Segura?

  Not today.

• 48:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you even plunge, bro?

• 48:25Tom Segura?

  No, I didn't.

• 48:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking loser.

• 48:26Tom Segura?

  Fucking dumb bitch that I am, yeah.

• 48:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  What about sauna? Did you fucking?

• 48:30Tom Segura?

  I haven't done it today.

• 48:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  You call yourself a fitness guy?

• 48:34Tom Segura?

  No, I don't.

• 48:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not even fit.

• 48:36Tom Segura?

  I'm just trying to be less fat.

• 48:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you hyperbarics? No.

• 48:39Tom Segura?

  No, did you?

• 48:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not today.

• 48:43Tom Segura?

  Good.

• 48:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but I'm just trying not to be disgusting. I'm not trying to be fit like you.

• 48:48Tom Segura?

  That is the goal. I'm not trying to be fit. I'm trying to be not gross.

• 48:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you're into like fit CEO mode now, where you want to look like.

• 48:55Tom Segura?

  Fit CEO mode?

• 48:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the new thing. It used to be fat CEOs and now everybody's a fit CEO.

• 49:00Tom Segura?

  That is a thing.

• 49:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're a fit CEO guy now.

• 49:02Tom Segura?

  That is a thing.

• 49:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:04Tom Segura?

  There used to be just, the thing is, the boss would just be like, oh, I'm a pig. Cause I'm the boss.

• 49:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  You earned your privilege of being a fat self.

• 49:12Tom Segura?

  All the CEOs of the eighties and nineties and even early two thousands, you're like, oh, that pig? That's the CEO. You know, the guy, oh, I got 90 million in stock options. He's like, hell.

• 49:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:22Tom Segura?

  And now they're just like.

• 49:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody's jacked.

• 49:25Tom Segura?

  I mean, the Bezos one is the, that's the best transformation ever. Cause it really is, if you were like, what happens if you give a fucking dork? A hundred billion dollars or whatever. And then you're like, oh, you can see that now. Like he was thinning hair, just kind of like.

• 49:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I see him before? Cause I don't think I know what he looks like.

• 49:43Tom Segura?

  It's amazing. It's amazing. Yeah.

• 49:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good for him. Oh, I like him better as a dork.

• 49:49Tom Segura?

  That's him.

• 49:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like him much better as a dork. I don't like fit CEO. Oh, I like him better as a nerd.

• 49:57Tom Segura?

  Style, he's got muscles.

• 49:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's got the veneers.

• 49:59Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. Look, look at that.

• 50:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  The whole veneers.

• 50:01Tom Segura?

  Bezos before the billions, reading his book with his fucking brown weave belt.

• 50:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I love it.

• 50:07Tom Segura?

  Now he's on a yacht.

• 50:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe, you need to get veneers next.

• 50:10Tom Segura?

  Hell, no. Those guys are the craziest.

• 50:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's what he did. He got veneers.

• 50:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he looks insane. Look, that's, look at that 98 photo.

• 50:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, he's a terrible.

• 50:21Tom Segura?

  I know, he's just a sweet guy. Like, hey.

• 50:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hi, everybody.

• 50:25Tom Segura?

  Do you like books? You wanna have one shipped to your house?

• 50:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm Jeff Bezos.

• 50:29Tom Segura?

  I got a new idea.

• 50:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, he looks so, he does look so sweet.

• 50:33Tom Segura?

  I know, and on the right there, he's like, look at him. Jesus.

• 50:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, now he's a tough guy.

• 50:39Tom Segura?

  He's like, we can kill people, that's fine.

• 50:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. Jeff, I like, I like 1998 Jeff.

• 50:44Tom Segura?

  Sweetheart.

• 50:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause he'd come up to you and he'd be like, hey Christina. Like he'd try to talk to you and he'd be like.

• 50:52Tom Segura?

  I noticed you wore your shirt with hearts on it today.

• 50:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. I'd be like, thanks Jeff. Fucking Jeff's trying to talk to me.

• 50:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking dork.

• 51:00Tom Segura?

  Now he's fucking plowing puss and just buying yachts.

• 51:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, he's only plowing one puss, so he got married. Which is, I think, a big stupid move when you're this wealthy and like, he's been married his whole life and then he just got remarried again?

• 51:14Tom Segura?

  He likes her.

• 51:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta, you gotta go plowing hoes, right babe?

• 51:19Tom Segura?

  I mean, you would think so.

• 51:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  But anyway, my stepdad, you know, my Indian, my Indian stepdad, his whole thing was like, yeah, I got rich in America and now I can get fat. That's what, that's the whole point of being rich, is being fat and shitty.

• 51:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  And enjoying food, but now it's the opposite.

• 51:35Tom Segura?

  Zuckerberg, another one.

• 51:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh yeah, he's a dork. Let's look at him.

• 51:38Tom Segura?

  Big fucking dork. And then now, he's, he did it also.

• 51:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see, I haven't seen him fit.

• 51:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's still pasty. He does need to get a spray tan if he's gonna, oh.

• 51:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but look at that, the hair, the beard, his whole steez.

• 51:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  He did it.

• 51:53Tom Segura?

  He has fake facial hair? It's fake?

• 51:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 51:56Tom Segura?

  Stop.

• 51:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, that's gotta be AI.

• 51:59Tom Segura?

  That can't be true.

• 52:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's hilarious.

• 52:02Tom Segura?

  And his fake facial hair.

• 52:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  He looks great though. It looks so much better with facial hair.

• 52:07Tom Segura?

  He looks so much better now, period. Everything. Yeah.

• 52:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Cause he had no eyebrows before, his creepy haircut, bad haircut, bad teeth.

• 52:16Tom Segura?

  Why does it say that it's fake facial hair?

• 52:21Tom Segura?

  Does it?

• 52:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 52:23Tom Segura?

  It's restricted, okay. Um, alright.

• 52:28Tom Segura?

  That's really insane. But yeah, he was, he was that guy. See the right? Yeah, that, that's the photo.

• 52:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 52:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like the gray shirt one.

• 52:38Tom Segura?

  That was really him.

• 52:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  With his little bitch tits.

• 52:40Tom Segura?

  For so long, or him in the suit right there?

• 52:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's fine.

• 52:44Tom Segura?

  That was, that was him. But now he's going surfing, and he does jujitsu.

• 52:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 52:49Tom Segura?

  And he just, he leveled up. His glow up, I guess you would say, right?

• 52:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  But the thing is too, if you're a CEO, like, you don't have a lot of time. So these guys have to wake up at like 4 a.m. and do that whole thing.

• 53:00Tom Segura?

  I'm sure he has a pretty crazy schedule.

• 53:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 53:03Tom Segura?

  From hoodies to high fashion, yeah, he's a...

• 53:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  He did it.

• 53:06Tom Segura?

  He did it, man.

• 53:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 53:08Tom Segura?

  He's, uh, he's definitely cool now.

• 53:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, no, is he?

• 53:11Tom Segura?

  Look at him getting leather jackets and shit.

• 53:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh no, he's doing the, the cool writing shirts.

• 53:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, cool writing shirts.

• 53:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, the, what is that called, like, Tom Hardy?

• 53:23Tom Segura?

  Is that a gold chain?

• 53:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course. Yeah, right? Like, wasn't Tom Hardy the official douchebag brand?

• 53:30Tom Segura?

  Oh, Ed Hardy.

• 53:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ed Hardy.

• 53:32Tom Segura?

  Tom Hardy's an actor.

• 53:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is he doing?

• 53:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Poor Tom Hardy.

• 53:38Tom Segura?

  Tom Hardy loves jujitsu too. He loves jujitsu.

• 53:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sorry, Tom Hardy, I meant Ed Hardy.

• 53:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was like...

• 53:44Tom Segura?

  Look at the progression one there, the...

• 53:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I liked, oh wait, I like the intensity of the autistic nerd. Oh, and oh four, like, I like when he's kind of a pissy nerd. Pissy nerd is hot. It's when you try to be nice nerd that you suck.

• 53:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, he was a mean nerd.

• 54:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, I liked him in the Facebook movie.

• 54:04Tom Segura?

  Now, do you have an issue with Elon being super, super wealthy? And then also out of shape? Cause I think it's inexcusable. But, it's kind of what we were saying, like, that's the point of being the CEO.

• 54:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I kind of like it. World's richest guy.

• 54:20Tom Segura?

  Right? Cause what's he look like right now? It ain't good.

• 54:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he looks like a hot shitbag.

• 54:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is it, 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag?

• 54:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he totally, totally does.

• 54:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, here's, but here's the good thing.

• 54:29Tom Segura?

  And he tries to hide it, you know, with like clothes and the way he sits. But look at that. What the fuck is going on?

• 54:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  But here's why this works for him.

• 54:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  He is so disliked right now.

• 54:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  That that is gonna be in his favor. That makes him likable.

• 54:45Tom Segura?

  He's majorly like dissociative, like he is totally well on the spectrum. Like he doesn't read.

• 54:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, he's full circle back to our first guy.

• 54:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who doesn't like to take care of the autistics.

• 54:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He's not, it's crazy though, like you shouldn't.

• 55:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he looks like shit, hot shit.

• 55:04Tom Segura?

  And that's the thing is if you have all those resources, like why?

• 55:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I agree.

• 55:07Tom Segura?

  Why?

• 55:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can afford a chef, you can afford a trainer.

• 55:10Tom Segura?

  You can afford everything in the world.

• 55:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta do it, you gotta do it.

• 55:13Tom Segura?

  And just have this, you can have every meal, just kind of go like, here you go. This is what's healthy.

• 55:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no excuse.

• 55:19Tom Segura?

  So is he doing well now? Is this what this is saying? Cause I just saw a clip of him and it didn't look good. Didn't look good.

• 55:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  He is so hated.

• 55:30Tom Segura?

  Mr. Rocket Man.

• 55:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody hates him so much.

• 55:32Tom Segura?

  I know, I can't believe that people like him.

• 55:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  It sucks.

• 55:35Tom Segura?

  I find him highly unlikable.

• 55:38Tom Segura?

  You know, I find him to be one of the least likable human beings on the planet.

• 55:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 55:42Tom Segura?

  And I don't admire him and I feel like they'd give him, look at this fucking.

• 55:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  It sucks so bad. Here's the problem though, could you imagine being on vacation and then having paparazzi snap those ghost?

• 55:54Tom Segura?

  No, it's horrible. I know, it's horrible.

• 55:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  That sucks. Like he didn't want that.

• 55:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it sucks. Okay, wait, but I do want, I want fit Elon and I want tatted Elon. Like I want him getting sleeves. That's the next step.

• 56:07Tom Segura?

  You know who I respect there look wise? I've always liked Larry Ellison's look.

• 56:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's look at Larry Ellison.

• 56:14Tom Segura?

  He looks like, hey, fuck you. That's what his look is at all times. It's, he has contempt.

• 56:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I love it. Yeah.

• 56:22Tom Segura?

  You know?

• 56:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Smug, smug, rich guy.

• 56:24Tom Segura?

  So smug.

• 56:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 56:26Tom Segura?

  And it's fantastic.

• 56:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, this is what like Mr. Burns was in The Simpsons. Like if you're gonna be a rich, be a rich. The problem is you're trying to be a likable, rich person. Nobody likes you.

• 56:36Tom Segura?

  No.

• 56:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody fucking likes you because you're too rich.

• 56:39Tom Segura?

  Now Larry loves Elon.

• 56:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 56:42Tom Segura?

  And he's, he's been super rich for so long, but he always has that look of like, hmm.

• 56:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Intent for the pores.

• 56:52Tom Segura?

  It's so funny.

• 56:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  So good.

• 56:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  So good. You know what, uh, who I always liked and who was severely out of shape and ironically?

• 57:00Tom Segura?

  Phil Gates?

• 57:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tommy Lasorda.

• 57:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I loved the Do- Los Doiers, yeah?

• 57:05Tom Segura?

  Uh, Slim Fast.

• 57:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:06Tom Segura?

  He did Slim Fast commercials.

• 57:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tommy Lasorda.

• 57:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's, was he the coach for the Doiers?

• 57:12Tom Segura?

  The manager, yeah.

• 57:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Their manager.

• 57:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, look at him. Look at his hoochie right there.

• 57:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Such a piece of shit.

• 57:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just lo-

• 57:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  He died at 93.

• 57:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Italian. He loved to eat. Yeah.

• 57:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  He loved, Tommy Lasagna, that's what they used to call him.

• 57:28Tom Segura?

  I might have something amazing of, of, uh...

• 57:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's one of those guys that was like, "Look, fuck it. I made it. I'm gonna eat. I'm not gonna try to be fit. I'm a baseball guy. Who cares?"

• 57:41Tom Segura?

  Let me see if I can find this because I think you're gonna get a real kick out of this.

• 57:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was known for being fat in the eighties and the nineties. Like, Tommy would do the Slim Fast ads because people knew how fat he was and he couldn't control his weight.

• 57:56Tom Segura?

  Correct.

• 57:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause he would yo-yo and then they're like, "Why don't you just do Slim Fast commercials?"

• 58:00Tom Segura?

  He was up and down. He would do that. He would lose, yeah.

• 58:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what he was known for, was going back and forth.

• 58:06Tom Segura?

  He'd lose weight, then he'd open a bakery. You gotta do the volume.

• 58:11Speaker 11

  I don't give a fuck.

• 58:15Speaker 07

  You got a left hand here, I strike this motherfucker out.

• 58:17Speaker 11

  I don't give a shit, doggy.

• 58:24Speaker 11

  Well, I may be wrong, but that's my goddamn job. I'll make the-

• 58:28Speaker 07

  I fucking hurting?

• 58:28Speaker 11

  I'll make the fucking decisions here. I'll make the fucking decisions here, okay?

• 58:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Love these guys. I miss this.

• 58:38Tom Segura?

  It just kills me that we don't get to hear this on the broadcast.

• 58:45Speaker 11

  And see-

• 58:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I knew I loved him.

• 58:57Tom Segura?

  So great.

• 58:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love it.

• 59:00Tom Segura?

  Okay, we're good. You can take it down.

• 59:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love those kinda stuff.

• 59:05Tom Segura?

  It's so great. I know.

• 59:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  But see, this is it. If you're gonna be that guy, just be an unlikable piece of shit.

• 59:10Tom Segura?

  Do it all the time?

• 59:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  When you try to be likable, this is-

• 59:12Tom Segura?

  Well, the funny thing about him is he was beloved.

• 59:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Beloved!

• 59:15Tom Segura?

  And in public, he was like, "Hello." You know that Tommy Lasorda? I've told you this before.

• 59:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 59:21Tom Segura?

  When you're Catholic, you know, Jewish people have a bar mitzvah, bat mitzvah. When you're Catholic, you have, um-

• 59:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Kinsen Yer?

• 59:28Tom Segura?

  No, uh, what's it called?

• 59:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Confirmation?

• 59:31Tom Segura?

  Confirmation, thank you. When I had my confirmation, um, there was 15 of us. We were in a small town in Florida. And the person that gave our, like, confirmation speech was Tommy Lasorda.

• 59:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 59:42Tom Segura?

  Because the Dodgers used to do spring training in Vero Beach.

• 59:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  So lucky.

• 59:46Tom Segura?

  So they're like, "Alright, y'all are Catholic adults now." Uh, and to, you know, welcome you into adulthood, here's Tommy Lasorda.

• 59:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck yeah!

• 59:55Tom Segura?

  Tommy Lasorda?

• 59:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, you're so lucky you got him.

• 59:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was great.

• 59:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn dude.

• 1:00:00Tom Segura?

  It was pretty cool. And then you could tell that, like, eight of them were like, "Who?" And they just sat there like-

• 1:00:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Idiots.

• 1:00:04Tom Segura?

  "Who's this guy?"

• 1:00:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I grew up in LA. I never got Tommy Lasorda to talk in my school.

• 1:00:08Tom Segura?

  Fucking wild.

• 1:00:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  So unfair.

• 1:00:10Tom Segura?

  It's pretty crazy.

• 1:00:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  That guy's a legend.

• 1:00:12Tom Segura?

  He's a pretty cool dude.

• 1:00:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I miss him.

• 1:00:15Tom Segura?

  You miss him?

• 1:00:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I miss, I just miss guys like that, that are like, "I'm a piece of shit." Like, everybody's fit, everybody's perfect, everybody's striving for excellence. There's no sense of like, "Yeah, you can be excellent, but maybe you fucking hate yourself too." Maybe you're a fat piece of shit.

• 1:00:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's okay, cuz you're not there yet. Like, not in this life, dude. You're just gonna be fat and shitty in this life. That's okay.

• 1:00:35Tom Segura?

  You know, speaking of people who can't read social cues well-

• 1:00:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Me?

• 1:00:38Tom Segura?

  No. We were just talking about that.

• 1:00:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sorry, was I talking too much?

• 1:00:42Tom Segura?

  No, no, you, I mean, you're a little touched.

• 1:00:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, a dash downs, yeah.

• 1:00:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but this guy?

• 1:00:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's Frank Sicily.

• 1:00:49Speaker 06

  I just had a business discussion with, uh, the people that need to hear it, so, uh-

• 1:00:57Speaker 06

  Whatever y'all wanna say.

• 1:00:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like this at all.

• 1:00:59Speaker 06

  Please proceed. Yeah, I'm dressed up.

• 1:01:02Tom Segura?

  Dressed up?

• 1:01:03Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, I got tattoos. Yeah, please keep on going.

• 1:01:09Tom Segura?

  That's it. That's the whole video. I don't know.

• 1:01:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is he? Oh, so he's practicing for a business call?

• 1:01:15Tom Segura?

  No, he did one. He did his business call and he's telling you that like, I had just had a business discussion and, you know, just keep talking. Yeah, I'm dressed up. This is funny that he's like, this is dressed up.

• 1:01:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. He's got two crosses on.

• 1:01:34Tom Segura?

  He's doubly Catholic.

• 1:01:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's a weird double. I've never seen a double cross.

• 1:01:38Tom Segura?

  I got to keep talking.

• 1:01:42Tom Segura?

  What's going on?

• 1:01:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's like a teenager. He's trying to show you how cool he is. Can I tell you something?

• 1:01:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Real talk?

• 1:01:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  If there was TikTok.

• 1:01:51Tom Segura?

  Fuck!

• 1:01:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  If there was like this stuff.

• 1:01:54Tom Segura?

  I hated that so much. Stop fucking doing that. That was awful. Hate it.

• 1:02:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on. Can I talk to you for a second?

• 1:02:09Tom Segura?

  Stop making so much noise.

• 1:02:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  If, if social medias existed when I was a teenager, do you understand how embarrassing my shit would have been?

• 1:02:20Tom Segura?

  All of us.

• 1:02:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  All goth, all day, I would be like, welcome. You know, I would just have done the most the gayest goth stuff.

• 1:02:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're gay.

• 1:02:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's too old to be doing this. Is he wearing a bald cap or he's really bald?

• 1:02:33Tom Segura?

  He's really bald. Yeah, of course. Yeah, he's touched, babe.

• 1:02:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's too old. He's touched. You think he's TikToked?

• 1:02:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he hasn't looked touched in the face.

• 1:02:41Tom Segura?

  You can tell by the way he communicates that something's not happening. Not every, you know.

• 1:02:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Should I pay for him? I wanna pay for him. His parents should pay for him. He's autistic.

• 1:02:50Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's right, yeah. Fucking guy. Fuck you and fuck your kid. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

• 1:02:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was loud in my ear. I didn't like that.

• 1:02:58Tom Segura?

  You deserve it for everything I've been doing.

• 1:03:02Speaker 07

  Take the doors off.

• 1:03:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:03:06Tom Segura?

  Holy shit. That was great.

• 1:03:11Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:03:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like that.

• 1:03:13Tom Segura?

  That bounce, a bat bounced from the windshield right into his, his face.

• 1:03:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 1:03:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's fucked up over that.

• 1:03:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:03:20Tom Segura?

  That is fucked up.

• 1:03:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:03:29Tom Segura?

  Oh, Jesus Christ. So there's a guy that is scaling a wall that he shouldn't be. And there's not a lot of ledge there, and then he falls.

• 1:03:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't want it. I don't like it!

• 1:03:43Tom Segura?

  Look at that knee.

• 1:03:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I don't wanna look at it.

• 1:03:45Tom Segura?

  It's just right there.

• 1:03:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nope.

• 1:03:47Tom Segura?

  It's right there. It's frozen. It's frozen. Just look.

• 1:03:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't give a fuck, mate.

• 1:03:52Tom Segura?

  Mate, look.

• 1:03:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't wanna fucking see it, gamma.

• 1:03:55Tom Segura?

  Mate, look. Look at it.

• 1:03:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't wanna. This reminds me...

• 1:03:59Tom Segura?

  Look at it.

• 1:04:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I don't wanna fucking look. I'm gonna puke. Why do you have to do this? Why do you torture me?

• 1:04:06Tom Segura?

  Cause I want you to feel stuff.

• 1:04:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't love you.

• 1:04:09Tom Segura?

  Okay, check out this next one.

• 1:04:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:04:12Tom Segura?

  Next one.

• 1:04:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:04:13Tom Segura?

  Put your fucking phone down.

• 1:04:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I wanna plug something for my friend.

• 1:04:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just let me find it. Okay. Speaking of mites. Connor Swindles, friend of the show, British actor, has a movie on Netflix, I believe that's dropping today, actually, on November 19th, called Jingle Bell Heist. Check it out. He's a mommy.

• 1:04:33Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:04:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's really sweet.

• 1:04:35Tom Segura?

  He is very sweet. He's a talented actor.

• 1:04:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Very good actor. He's done a bunch of shit. He's done the Barbie movies.

• 1:04:40Tom Segura?

  Odd choice and placement of the ad, but yeah, he's a great...

• 1:04:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause we're doing English accents and...

• 1:04:45Tom Segura?

  I put it together. I put it together.

• 1:04:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I fucking hate you so much. You know what, Jeff Bezos? Shut up. Shut up. You're just as bad as him with your fit comedian bitch.

• 1:04:57Tom Segura?

  Oh, fuck! Holy shit! He might not be able to talk anymore. Holy fuck. Oh shit!

• 1:05:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  He had a helmet on.

• 1:05:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's not gonna help your neck.

• 1:05:14Tom Segura?

  He hit that so fucking hard.

• 1:05:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate this segment, like...

• 1:05:18Tom Segura?

  It's the best. It's the absolute best. This is why they watch, Jean. This is what it's all about.

• 1:05:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is not why. They watch for my TikToks.

• 1:05:26Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:05:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody knows.

• 1:05:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've been waiting for this clip my whole life.

• 1:05:36Tom Segura?

  I like when someone's just like, that guy's like, come on, man.

• 1:05:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's India. So they're all like, okay, big deal, move along.

• 1:05:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look, no motherfucker stop for you when you die in India.

• 1:05:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's not dead. He's okay. He's okay. We checked and it said he's okay.

• 1:05:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  This fool bounced off the dirt, dirt road, wherever fuck he is.

• 1:05:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Calcutta. He's dead.

• 1:05:58Tom Segura?

  I don't think he's dead. I think he's okay.

• 1:06:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love how no one gives a shit. Look, that guy's not even looking his way next to him on the motorcycle. That's how little life matters.

• 1:06:08Tom Segura?

  It's a lot of people, man.

• 1:06:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a lot of peeps.

• 1:06:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you can't, you gotta care less. You have to.

• 1:06:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, yeah. And even if you do go to the hospital, good luck with that.

• 1:06:17Tom Segura?

  You think so?

• 1:06:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not gonna be good. Well, fuck no. No way, dude. I don't wanna go to the hospital in like second world shit. Like in Budapest, Hungary, and nine, in the 90s, you didn't wanna go to the hospital?

• 1:06:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's, no, there's no way that's a good sitch.

• 1:06:33Tom Segura?

  I mean, they, they have, they have to have good hospitals. They have to. There's not, there's too many people.

• 1:06:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no way.

• 1:06:38Tom Segura?

  There's no good hospitals?

• 1:06:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  In India.

• 1:06:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:06:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  In India.

• 1:06:43Tom Segura?

  I'm not saying every town, but like, you don't think Mumbai has a decent hospital?

• 1:06:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe, yeah, maybe, maybe. Yes, maybe Mumbai. Maybe Bombay, one next to the Four Seasons.

• 1:06:52Tom Segura?

  I mean, they have to.

• 1:06:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  They do have a Four Seasons, I've heard.

• 1:06:55Tom Segura?

  First of all, who are the best doctors here?

• 1:06:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  But they come here, bro.

• 1:06:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but some don't.

• 1:07:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  They get their degrees here.

• 1:07:02Tom Segura?

  And then?

• 1:07:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not abroad.

• 1:07:05Tom Segura?

  I don't think so.

• 1:07:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, they do. You cannot practice medicine.

• 1:07:09Tom Segura?

  What are you talking about?

• 1:07:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  In America, unless you pass the American things.

• 1:07:13Tom Segura?

  But I'm saying that, that there's still gotta be excellent medical care there.

• 1:07:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure, sure.

• 1:07:17Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 1:07:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 1:07:18Tom Segura?

  I do know, yes.

• 1:07:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm so racist.

• 1:07:20Tom Segura?

  I know, this is terrible.

• 1:07:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just don't trust it. I don't try. It's not, it's because my stepdad, my stepfather told me so many awful stories about this country. I have so much sadness for them. It's that terrible time.

• 1:07:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't, I don't think it's as bad as you're saying. I think it's actually.

• 1:07:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would you Google?

• 1:07:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bombay Hospital.

• 1:07:40Tom Segura?

  I mean, just, okay. Are there good hospitals in India?

• 1:07:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  12 kids in one bed.

• 1:07:44Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:07:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, there they are, crammed in.

• 1:07:46Tom Segura?

  This is a COVID image. You don't think, come on.

• 1:07:54Tom Segura?

  Just actually write, "How good are the hospitals in India?"

• 1:07:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nope. That's not gonna be good.

• 1:08:03Tom Segura?

  I think it's actually, there has to be good ones.

• 1:08:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know, dude. They have open defecation.

• 1:08:14Tom Segura?

  It's so many people, though. They can't just have poor medical care in a nation of a billion people. I don't believe that that's-

• 1:08:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just think you're too American.

• 1:08:22Tom Segura?

  See, it varies significantly between the private and public sectors. Top-tier private hospitals offering world-class care and amenities.

• 1:08:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, so go to India for your fucking appendicitis. See what happens.

• 1:08:32Tom Segura?

  I mean, you don't have to be so goddamn crass, Christine, okay? There's people there, then they need help, and they're getting it.

• 1:08:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hope so.

• 1:08:42Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:08:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look, I love the Indians.

• 1:08:45Tom Segura?

  You know what you need to do? You need to get on a fucking dating app. You need to meet somebody.

• 1:08:53Tom Segura?

  Do you want me to tell you how to do it? I'll tell you how to do it.

• 1:08:56Speaker 12

  What's up, niggas? I have a way to fix dating apps. Number one, ban Indian men. Number two, ban fat women. Number three, ban single mothers and their baby daddies.

• 1:09:09Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 1:09:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, this chick's got it figured out.

• 1:09:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't seem so bad now compared to her.

• 1:09:14Tom Segura?

  Well, that's why I played it, to help you. Yeah, she's, uh, and also, the confidence.

• 1:09:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, she said it dead-faced.

• 1:09:22Tom Segura?

  Dead and just ready to go, and she's just like, "And that's how we fix things."

• 1:09:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sweating.

• 1:09:28Tom Segura?

  Does she post stuff like this a lot?

• 1:09:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do we know this broad?

• 1:09:34Tom Segura?

  I don't know. Her name is Brittany Venti.

• 1:09:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know, dude.

• 1:09:39Tom Segura?

  It says that she's a biological black woman.

• 1:09:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:09:42Tom Segura?

  Is this true?

• 1:09:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know, shit.

• 1:09:46Tom Segura?

  Is that her? There she is. "I am a biologically black woman, but the black community revoked my card." That's a strange.

• 1:09:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, she doesn't fit into the black community, maybe.

• 1:10:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I thought that was Niana's profile. What, who is this person?

• 1:10:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's pretty, though.

• 1:10:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Is that you?

• 1:10:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lot of pictures alone. No, not black.

• 1:10:08Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:10:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lot of pictures alone. Do we have TikToks? Do we have time for them?

• 1:10:13Tom Segura?

  Hmm, we can do a couple. Let's do it. Ready?

• 1:10:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:16Tom Segura?

  Here we go.

• 1:10:38Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:10:41Tom Segura?

  Oh my god, oh.

• 1:10:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just don't, don't do the move if you can't do the move.

• 1:10:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, don't, that's exactly right.

• 1:10:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just don't do the move.

• 1:10:48Tom Segura?

  Cause there's an age where you go, "I can't do the move anymore."

• 1:10:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's okay.

• 1:10:52Tom Segura?

  And he just was like.

• 1:11:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  So slow and embarrassing.

• 1:11:05Tom Segura?

  And you have to be like. Yeah!

• 1:11:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. That's how I feel watching Madonna dance now.

• 1:11:11Tom Segura?

  It's all bad.

• 1:11:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just don't try to do the same exact.

• 1:11:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do something different that you can do. Do what you can do.

• 1:11:19Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 1:11:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you can't do the same exact thing you did when you were young.

• 1:11:23Tom Segura?

  Oh, is there another, is there another mic trick here? Let's see.

• 1:11:29Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:11:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  That one was okay. All right, he spun it.

• 1:11:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a cordless mic.

• 1:11:37Tom Segura?

  Uh oh, uh oh, and he's like.

• 1:11:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah!

• 1:11:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't tell if that was intentional.

• 1:11:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that felt like I'm gonna fall and then act like I was trying to fall, you know?

• 1:11:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I would have done.

• 1:11:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's what I would have done too, like.

• 1:11:58Tom Segura?

  Down here now. Somebody rushed up like, you okay?

• 1:12:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, there's no way he meant to fall down.

• 1:12:03Tom Segura?

  Who did he throw that to?

• 1:12:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Side some stagehand, he's like, oh, Jesus, he's throwing the mics.

• 1:12:08Tom Segura?

  Throwing the mic stand again?

• 1:12:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you break that, I have to fucking fix that again. It's a wireless, it's gonna be a problem.

• 1:12:15Tom Segura?

  And then people are like.

• 1:12:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Replacing that shit.

• 1:12:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's good.

• 1:12:22Speaker 13

  As you go off, you see this blur of green and blue in the background because you're going really quickly. And that's when I came to a sudden stop in the air. That was my safety harness, which actually snapped. I opened my eyes underwater, seeing all this murky brown bubbly stuff, so you can't really see anything. It's like being in a washing machine. You don't know which way's up, which way's down. Originally, I was looking at going to Europe and then I remembered that it's actually cold over there, so I decided I'd head somewhere a bit warmer. I started off in Egypt, so I spent two weeks traveling around Egypt and then headed down to Zambia from Malawi.

• 1:12:51Tom Segura?

  This is long as fuck. Is this this person's life story?

• 1:12:55Speaker 13

  That's a sorry.

• 1:12:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I didn't mean for it to be that long. I just meant for that bit where she gets snapped.

• 1:13:00Tom Segura?

  Horrible. Then she was like, it's my safety harness and then that snapped.

• 1:13:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yo, she's like, then he's in the water and he's washed around like he's in a washing machine. Like, duh. Really? Yeah?

• 1:13:15Tom Segura?

  Don't know what's up or down? That's cool.

• 1:13:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would be, I mean, I never bungee jumped. Did you ever do this?

• 1:13:22Tom Segura?

  Never. I've never bungee jumped, no.

• 1:13:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I never trusted the equipment on that one.

• 1:13:26Tom Segura?

  Mm-mm. It was never of interest to me, really.

• 1:13:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, me neither. They tried to get me interested. People were trying. I'm like, I don't.

• 1:13:34Tom Segura?

  Try.

• 1:13:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't think so.

• 1:13:35Tom Segura?

  I don't think so.

• 1:13:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nah, dude. Fuck your bungee.

• 1:14:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love this song.

• 1:14:01Tom Segura?

  Do you?

• 1:14:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:02Tom Segura?

  It's a nice studio, too.

• 1:14:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course. She's been, Claire Alexander's been blowing up.

• 1:14:09Tom Segura?

  Bye Claire Alexander. Yeah. Congratulations to Claire on your new hit.

• 1:14:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep. She's great.

• 1:14:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, she's been plugging it and really working it.

• 1:14:19Tom Segura?

  That was your best line I've ever seen. Just, she's great.

• 1:14:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, she's been selling CDs.

• 1:14:28Tom Segura?

  Good. CDs are popular these days.

• 1:14:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  And, you know.

• 1:14:43Tom Segura?

  I'm sensing a theme to this batch. Can you guess what it is?

• 1:14:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's awesome talent?

• 1:14:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, talent. That's what I was gonna say.

• 1:14:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you think her dance moves?

• 1:15:00Tom Segura?

  It reminds me of older Chinese people in the park.

• 1:15:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah. I know what you're talking about. They do their taiji.

• 1:15:06Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:15:07Speaker 07

  All right, buddy. Let's see if you can fly today. Oh, my God. It's actually working. Look at him. He's cruising. The weirdest thing I've ever seen. All right, bring him down gentle.

• 1:15:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's pretty rad.

• 1:15:17Tom Segura?

  That's pretty fun.

• 1:15:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cat flying with drones?

• 1:15:19Tom Segura?

  It's AI, right?

• 1:15:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure.

• 1:15:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's pretty cute, though.

• 1:15:24Tom Segura?

  It's fun. That's why you should use AI. Make fun videos like that.

• 1:15:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  That and, yeah, highly inappropriate ones that I'm really liking.

• 1:15:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. There's some fun Nazi ones out there. Let's see what else we got here.

• 1:15:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're saying, I guess in China, it's like, old people are just allowed to

• 1:15:52Tom Segura?

  Just fart?

• 1:15:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Blast. They're not supposed to say shit.

• 1:15:54Tom Segura?

  That was wet and it had different stages of it. Pretty crazy. All right, I gotta run.

• 1:16:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love you.

• 1:16:01Tom Segura?

  I love you too.

• 1:16:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Goodbye.

• 1:16:02Tom Segura?

  Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Please check out Chichabomba here in Austin, Texas. Currently, the pop-up is at the Fairgrounds in downtown Austin, and we will see you guys very soon. Bye-bye.

• 1:16:17Tom Segura?

  Dude. That was horrible.

• 1:16:22Tom Segura?

  You have no idea what you just did to people. That was horrible. Completely blew it out.

• 1:16:29Tom Segura?

  Why would you do that into the mic?

• 1:16:33Tom Segura?

  Horrible.

• 1:16:36Tom Segura?

  Horrible. Why would you?

• 1:17:02Tom Segura?

  Why would you?

• 1:17:05Tom Segura?

  Do that in?

• 1:17:08Tom Segura?

  Why would you?

• 1:17:11Tom Segura?

  Do that in?

• 1:17:14Tom Segura?

  Why would you? Horrible.

• 1:17:18Tom Segura?

  Horrible.

• 1:17:21Tom Segura?

  Horrible.

• 1:17:24Tom Segura?

  Horrible. Do that in?

• 1:17:36Tom Segura?

  Completely blew it out.

• 1:17:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just wanted to see what that felt like.

• 1:18:01Tom Segura?

  Why would you?

• 1:18:04Tom Segura?

  Do that in?

• 1:18:07Tom Segura?

  Why would you?

• 1:18:10Tom Segura?

  Do that in?

• 1:18:13Tom Segura?

  Why would you? Horrible.

• 1:18:18Tom Segura?

  Horrible.

• 1:18:27Speaker 14

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