Pod Insights Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura Did We Find The NEW FedSmoker?! | Your Mom's House Ep. 835 About this episode Tom will be filming his new stand-up special in Milwaukee at The Riverside Theater on November 14th & 15th! Tickets are still available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show. Go get your tickets now at https://tomsegura.com/tour.
SPONSORS:
- Tear. Pour. Live More. Go to http://LIQUIDIV. COM and get 20% off your first order with code YMH at checkout.
Tom and Christina are back in the Studio Jeans for another week of really wild finds and the discovery of a possible heir to the FedSmoker crown. Before that, Christina launches her new winter makeup drop (“Cuts You Up”) and the Jeans reminisce about classic reality TV — from Wife Swap’s “God Warrior” meltdown to Ice Cube’s bizarre early-2000s race-swap experiment on FX.
They then dive deep into constipation talk (suppositories vs. laxatives), hospital horror stories, and whether couples who don’t fart in front of each other are living a lie. Tom reveals his new fear of contact lenses, Christina roasts his glasses, and finally both spiral into laughter over the reincarnation of a YMH legend on a college campus. What’s Up There Chomo?
Your Mom’s House Ep. 835
https://tomsegura.com/tour
https://christinap.com/
https://store.ymhstudios.com
https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast
Chapters
00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:54 - Wife Swap God Warrior
00:09:45 - Opening Clip: No Poop For You
00:12:25 - Good Old Fashioned Brown Talk
00:21:19 - Race Swap Reality Show
00:28:24 - Apartheid Museum
00:31:16 - Clip: Gas Station Photographer
00:35:17 - Dad Eyes
00:40:31 - A New FedSmoker?
00:52:22 - Crazy American Melts Down On Boat
00:56:11 - Christina's Curations
01:08:41 - Wrap Up
01:09:48 - Closing Song - "Vocal Fry Jam" by Gaping Dad
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript 12,271 words · 7 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Tom Segura? Hey everyone, this month I'm filming my new stand-up special in Milwaukee at the Riverside Theater on November 14th and 15th. Tickets are available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show only. I'll also be in El Paso, Tucson, and Colorado Springs this weekend. Get your tickets now at thomscrew.com/tour.
0:21 Speaker 01 Welcome, welcome to Your Mom's House.
0:31 Speaker 02 When you shop Kroger Delivery, you can expect the savings you love and fresh groceries delivered right to your door. From delicious produce to everyday essentials, enjoy the convenience of delivery and the trusted selection you've come to know from Kroger. Because bringing you fresh, quality groceries is what we do best. Right now, enjoy free delivery on orders of $50 or more with your digital coupon. Restrictions apply, see site for details. Kroger, fresh for everyone.
1:00 Tom Segura? Welcome, bienvenido, to another episode of Your Mom's House. How you feeling today, Jean?
1:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Good, today, actually, my winter drop is now available, so you can buy in time for Christmas.
1:16 Tom Segura? Are you wearing the winter drop?
1:18 Christina Pazsitzky? This was my fall drop, the winter drop. I have a new liquid lipstick color that I call Cuts You Up and a shimmer gloss.
1:28 Tom Segura? What's it called?
1:28 Christina Pazsitzky? Something else. Cuts you up.
1:31 Tom Segura? Cuts you up? Oh, cuts you up? I thought you were saying a Japanese word.
1:34 Christina Pazsitzky? Katsuya. ChristinaP.com.
1:38 Tom Segura? Congratulations.
1:39 Christina Pazsitzky? Thanks.
1:39 Tom Segura? The makeup continues to impress, Jean.
1:42 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, it's fun. I really believe in this product, too. It doesn't suck. So much makeup fucking sucks, and I spend a lot of money and time making these good.
1:51 Tom Segura? I mean, the results are impressive. People also really like it.
1:55 Christina Pazsitzky? And I'll tell you what, too, I like having interesting makeup, not necessarily about, like, you know, being a Kardashian, because that shit's boring.
2:02 Tom Segura? Yeah, it's not who you are.
2:04 Christina Pazsitzky? It's not who I am, bro.
2:05 Tom Segura? You're a dark child.
2:07 Christina Pazsitzky? I'm a dark demon hunter, K-pop demon hunter, but no hate on them. It's not for me. It's not for me.
2:13 Tom Segura? Yeah.
2:14 Christina Pazsitzky? What are you inside? Who are you inside?
2:18 Tom Segura? I mean, there's some darkness.
2:20 Christina Pazsitzky? Well, you're a serial killer.
2:21 Tom Segura? Ah, I wouldn't go that far. I think I'm a God Warrior, but.
2:24 Christina Pazsitzky? I'm God Warrior.
2:26 Tom Segura? There's some dark stuff in there, too.
2:27 Christina Pazsitzky? I'm dork sided.
2:28 Tom Segura? Yeah.
2:29 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
2:30 Tom Segura? Yeah.
2:30 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
2:32 Tom Segura? Yeah.
2:32 Christina Pazsitzky? She lost all the weight, that lady. I'm a God Warrior, dork sided.
2:36 Tom Segura? You know, for those, can you pull up God Warrior?
2:38 Christina Pazsitzky? She was amazing.
2:39 Tom Segura? For people that don't know.
2:40 Christina Pazsitzky? What show was that on?
2:41 Tom Segura? Trading Spouses.
2:42 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, yeah, yeah. Did you work on that show?
2:44 Tom Segura? Yeah, so I was there. There she is.
2:47 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, she looks great. Marguerite, Marguerite Perrin?
2:50 Tom Segura? That's the clip, when she's a big old lady right there.
2:53 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
2:54 Tom Segura? So the concept of the, of the show was that two people from different families would go live with the other families. It's called Trading Spouses. So they would do things, obviously, like pair a woman from a liberal family to a conservative family and vice versa. And, and so cameras would be running and it was, it was super entertaining because you'd see people that are, you know, not from this lifestyle, all of a sudden thrust into living with a family like that. And, you know, they'd pick like a, a, somebody from like a farm and send them to like New York City and, and vice versa. So anyway, I'm working in the post, uh, production office where at the time, and I don't know if, if reality is
3:35 Christina Pazsitzky? Thank you, Heather.
3:36 Tom Segura? still done this way.
3:37 Christina Pazsitzky? Thanks, baby.
3:37 Tom Segura? Maybe it is. But at the time, you know, the cameras would run 24/7.
3:42 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
3:43 Tom Segura? And then they'd have a P A on location, take the tapes from that week and fly with them back so that nothing could, like, you have to have a human being carrying them, not, you're not going to ship it FedEx, you know? So, you know, P A came in, dropped off tapes, and I would work, this is when I was working the graveyard shift.
4:04 Christina Pazsitzky? I remember those years.
4:06 Tom Segura? 7:00 PM to 7:00 AM. It was awful, awful for me physically, mentally, emotionally, just for life in general. It was awful. But I remember.
4:18 Tom Segura? Being in the post house and you know, you'd know the editors bays. And there was a couple of people that were like convening by this editors bay down the hall. And I was hearing hollering and laughing and chatting. I'm like, what's going on down there? And I went down there and I saw they were watching this lady.
4:41 Christina Pazsitzky? She's the best.
4:42 Tom Segura? Who basically, she was from Louisiana and they put her with, I think, just like a more, yeah, let's say liberal family. And when she got back home, she was just like, she was having like a mental break.
4:58 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
4:59 Tom Segura? And she was like, those people are demons and I'm a god warrior.
5:03 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
5:04 Tom Segura? And she just exploded. Can you play the God Warrior?
5:07 Christina Pazsitzky? She's not a Christian.
5:09 Tom Segura? Yeah, she, that, yes.
5:10 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, remember? She was freaking out that she's not a Christian.
5:14 Tom Segura? This was.
5:14 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah. Oh, 2005. This is when we were dating.
5:17 Speaker 04 And since she believed in God, she's not a Christian.
5:22 Speaker 05 She could be a Jew and believe in God.
5:23 Speaker 04 It doesn't matter. She's tampering and dark sided stuff.
5:27 Tom Segura? Dark sided.
5:28 Christina Pazsitzky? Dork sided.
5:29 Speaker 04 Yes, yes, she did. The entire house is dork sided.
5:36 Speaker 05 She said her whole house is.
5:37 Speaker 04 She is dork sided too. Why are you mad at us?
5:42 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah. Mom's got problems.
5:44 Tom Segura? Yeah.
5:45 Christina Pazsitzky? Mom's a borderline.
5:47 Tom Segura? That's a little bit of it. But anyway, she went fucking nuts, dude. She went nuts.
5:52 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
5:52 Tom Segura? Yeah. Wife swap. Is it Wife Swap?
5:54 Christina Pazsitzky? Wife swap.
5:55 Tom Segura? Okay. Cause Trading Spouses was the other, Wife Swap might've, must've been Fox and Trading Spouses with ABC. I think that's what it was.
6:01 Christina Pazsitzky? Great. Both of them. I was really into that show.
6:04 Tom Segura? I don't know.
6:06 Christina Pazsitzky? I was really into that show.
6:08 Tom Segura? It is Trading Spouses.
6:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Mm hmm.
6:10 Tom Segura? Anyway.
6:11 Christina Pazsitzky? Only had three seasons. I should, I, I feel like they could do that show infinitely. It should just, it should be an ongoing social experiment.
6:19 Tom Segura? And you know who the mastermind of like all the shows that?
6:22 Christina Pazsitzky? Which one?
6:22 Tom Segura? Cause we, I was at, I was at a place that did them for Fox. They had like a Fox deal.
6:26 Christina Pazsitzky? Mm hmm.
6:27 Tom Segura? You had Trading Spouses, my big fat obnoxious boss, my big fat obnoxious fiance, some makeover stuff. It was a little French, French dude named Jean Michel.
6:37 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, I remember this guy. Yeah.
6:38 Tom Segura? Five one and he had like the long shoulder length hair. Yeah.
6:44 Tom Segura? Is that him? Is that Jean Michel?
6:47 Christina Pazsitzky? Jean Michel.
6:48 Tom Segura? That can't be the guy, is it?
6:49 Christina Pazsitzky? No.
6:50 Speaker 06 This is what happens when you click on it. Let's see.
6:53 Christina Pazsitzky? A little child?
6:55 Speaker 06 Was he a child star?
6:56 Christina Pazsitzky? No.
6:57 Tom Segura? I have no idea.
6:58 Speaker 06 I, I think so.
6:59 Christina Pazsitzky? My big fat obnoxious boss.
7:00 Speaker 06 I mean, yeah, he's got all those credits, but that's the photo.
7:03 Christina Pazsitzky? Bizarre.
7:03 Tom Segura? That's his childhood photo.
7:04 Christina Pazsitzky? He was an actor, I guess, a child actor.
7:06 Tom Segura? Oh. Can you look up, like, images of him as an adult?
7:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Joe Millionaire, remember that show? That was a good one. He did a ton of shit, Temptation Island.
7:16 Tom Segura? Nah, that ain't him, bro. That's not who we're talking about. Let's see. No. There's no images of this guy? Huh? That's it?
7:36 Speaker 06 This is what we're seeing, yeah.
7:38 Tom Segura? How does somebody, how can you do that in today's world where you're like, there's no images of me?
7:42 Christina Pazsitzky? And you're in television?
7:43 Tom Segura? Yeah.
7:44 Christina Pazsitzky? That's very rare.
7:46 Tom Segura? Yeah, that's really crazy.
7:47 Christina Pazsitzky? I mean, unless he had it. Screwed.
7:50 Tom Segura? That ain't him, bro.
7:51 Christina Pazsitzky? That ain't him, homie, dang.
7:53 Speaker 06 Weird.
7:54 Tom Segura? I'm telling you, I used to go to sound mixes with this guy.
7:56 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, I remember you telling me.
7:57 Tom Segura? Yeah.
7:58 Christina Pazsitzky? You'd be like, it's the night, he comes in.
8:00 Tom Segura? Yeah, he's, he's a little dude, he'd get lit too, he'd drink like three bottles of wine. And he's such a frog that he would sit in his, he had like a nice suite at the office. And he had like a high-powered air vent, so they would suck, he'd smoke in his office.
8:15 Christina Pazsitzky? Mad respect, bro.
8:16 Tom Segura? Yeah, and you'd see it go, like, shoot out of the ceiling.
8:18 Christina Pazsitzky? I respect it.
8:19 Tom Segura? Yeah.
8:20 Christina Pazsitzky? I respect that they still, they still stick to smoking cigarettes.
8:24 Tom Segura? The frogs?
8:25 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
8:25 Tom Segura? Yeah.
8:26 Christina Pazsitzky? I think eastern, eastern European bros too.
8:28 Tom Segura? A lot, a lot of people still do, actually, the Turks, Koreans.
8:33 Christina Pazsitzky? I don't buy that vaping is somehow better.
8:36 Tom Segura? I don't think it is.
8:37 Christina Pazsitzky? I don't think it is, right?
8:37 Tom Segura? You're still putting something in your lungs.
8:39 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, I'd rather smoke a leaf with chemicals on it than just the chemicals, right?
8:44 Tom Segura? Let's just like, smoke and come back.
8:45 Christina Pazsitzky? I know. When do we get to start smoking cigarettes again, Tom?
8:48 Tom Segura? I think a lighter diagnosis in life.
8:51 Christina Pazsitzky? If I get cancer again?
8:52 Tom Segura? It's kinda on.
8:53 Christina Pazsitzky? I think so. Cause the kind that I had was rare, if it comes back.
8:57 Tom Segura? If it comes back, you tell them, I'll do all the things you're telling me, and two packs a day.
9:01 Christina Pazsitzky? A thousand percent.
9:02 Tom Segura? Yeah.
9:03 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
9:03 Tom Segura? Yeah.
9:04 Christina Pazsitzky? Fuck it.
9:04 Tom Segura? I had a good salad today. Took my meds.
9:07 Christina Pazsitzky? Cigarettes.
9:08 Tom Segura? Smoked fifteen cigarettes. I feel good.
9:11 Christina Pazsitzky? I, I wonder, and this is gonna probably stupid thing to say out loud in my dumb brain, but like,
9:19 Christina Pazsitzky? I wonder how many cigarettes are really that shitty for you? Like, what, what's the cancer?
9:25 Tom Segura? Oh, right.
9:26 Christina Pazsitzky? Do you know? I, I bet you could get away.
9:28 Tom Segura? Somebody knows. Somebody knows. One of you fucking researchers knows.
9:31 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, cuz there are people that get lung cancers that have never smoked a day in their lives.
9:35 Tom Segura? Exactly. And then there's people who smoke a pack and a half a day and also don't get lung cancer.
9:39 Christina Pazsitzky? Of course.
9:40 Tom Segura? What if like they know, they're like, it's three a day?
9:44 Christina Pazsitzky? You can totally smoke three a day. You can, it's fine. You're not gonna die.
9:47 Tom Segura? You want a morning, noon, and night routine? It's fine.
9:49 Christina Pazsitzky? Fine. We could ask Dr. Drew.
9:52 Tom Segura? Yeah.
9:52 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, we could.
9:53 Tom Segura? Well, he's gonna give us.
9:55 Christina Pazsitzky? Some bullshit thing.
9:56 Tom Segura? Fucking answer they want us to hear.
9:58 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
9:59 Tom Segura? It's not gonna be the answer.
10:00 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah. My research. You just haven't researched it.
10:04 Tom Segura? My buddy Todd, he was saying the other day that he's been smoking like forty cigarettes a day for sixteen years, and he's fine.
10:12 Christina Pazsitzky? You gonna read it? Read these? Did you read this report?
10:14 Tom Segura? Todd's wrong? Um, all right. You ready to see the opener?
10:17 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, hey, it's a, it's a, it's.
10:19 Tom Segura? Here we go.
10:19 Christina Pazsitzky? It's a woman. That's weird. I still can't poop. Yeah. Can't poop for like forty-eight hours. I have no idea why. I took medicine. It's not working. Help. I'll help you.
10:39 Tom Segura? Holy crap.
10:48 Christina Pazsitzky? Your mom. Mom Segura and Christina Miao Jitski.
11:02 Christina Pazsitzky? Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow.
11:35 Christina Pazsitzky? Forty-eight hours after you've already taken laxatives and no budge.
11:39 Tom Segura? What's your, what's the guideline here?
11:40 Christina Pazsitzky? All right, well, here's what I've done.
11:43 Tom Segura? You're kind of an expert in this area.
11:44 Christina Pazsitzky? I am, I am. If the laxatives don't work, you're gonna go ahead and just shove a suppository right up your ass. And that, that is a surefire. I did, yeah. For this last round of stuff. It took two suppositories to get Brown to come down. But then when it finally, the dam opens up and you've got those, the oxy shits that you've been holding on to for days in the hospital, and then you come home and you know, you know, that first post oxy.
12:12 Tom Segura? Oxy shit's the worst.
12:15 Christina Pazsitzky? Dude, that alone would.
12:16 Tom Segura? Almost makes drugs not worth it. It's not, it's not, I wouldn't say it's not worth it, but it's almost not worth it.
12:23 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, cuz I feel like you just, you have to choose shitting or being high.
12:27 Tom Segura? High is awesome.
12:28 Christina Pazsitzky? High is awesome. Oh, yeah, dude. And that Dilaudid, that was amazing. That was amazing. That was amazing.
12:36 Tom Segura? It's the all-time greatest.
12:38 Christina Pazsitzky? I know.
12:38 Tom Segura? I know.
12:39 Christina Pazsitzky? I can remember right now. Like, I remember the first time she gave it to me in my IV.
12:43 Tom Segura? You gotta find a doctor who'll come to the house and do it.
12:45 Christina Pazsitzky? I know.
12:46 Tom Segura? You guys want some Dilaudid tonight before bed? Yes.
12:52 Tom Segura? It'd be awesome, man. Be awesome. So you would tell her suppository next?
12:57 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, don't fuck around. Forty-eight hours, just shove one in there. You don't have to let it melt all the way even. Sometimes it'll just burn your rim.
13:07 Tom Segura? Yeah.
13:07 Christina Pazsitzky? If you use suppository, yeah?
13:09 Tom Segura? Yeah, yeah.
13:09 Christina Pazsitzky? It just like stings your butthole?
13:11 Tom Segura? I don't remember any stinging.
13:12 Christina Pazsitzky? Really?
13:13 Tom Segura? Mm-mm. I remember the discomfort of something being shoved up my ass. That's the part that I was really married to.
13:20 Christina Pazsitzky? You remember that?
13:21 Tom Segura? Yeah, that sucks.
13:22 Christina Pazsitzky? Who did it? Was she hot?
13:23 Tom Segura? A nurse. No. No, and it was, I mean, it was mortifying. And then you felt the shit coming, and it came out like hot sludge.
13:32 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, nice.
13:33 Tom Segura? And then the lady was like, oh, the nurse who's supposed to be a, she goes, oh, my God. She goes, you have so much hair back here. Oh. And the whole time she was like, oh, no.
13:44 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, my God. That's not very nice.
13:46 Tom Segura? I know. She was older. And I was like, yeah.
13:48 Christina Pazsitzky? What a bitch.
13:49 Tom Segura? She was like, oh, Jesus.
13:51 Christina Pazsitzky? Man, a bad nurse can make or break, it can break your fucking stay at a hospital. You get a shitbag nurse like that, that's mean.
13:57 Tom Segura? You had a mostly good one.
13:58 Christina Pazsitzky? I have great ones here in Texas.
14:01 Tom Segura? That wasn't great.
14:01 Christina Pazsitzky? Well, yeah, at the house, when I had one at the house.
14:04 Tom Segura? Oh, oh, oh, but at the hospital?
14:06 Christina Pazsitzky? Amazing. Shout out St. David's. Always excellent. No problems there.
14:11 Tom Segura? Yeah.
14:12 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, dude. Well, what do you think? What would you tell her? Poop soup, here's what you get to do. Poop soup just cleans you out when it's a little like, uh-oh, there's needs a little, I skipped a bump, one movement.
14:24 Tom Segura? Mm-hmm. Yeah.
14:26 Christina Pazsitzky? Then you take your laxatives.
14:28 Tom Segura? Yeah.
14:28 Christina Pazsitzky? And you take another round. And if nothing, suppository.
14:31 Tom Segura? Suppository.
14:31 Christina Pazsitzky? That's what I do.
14:32 Tom Segura? Yeah. I don't have, I don't really have a constipation issue.
14:35 Christina Pazsitzky? You have the opposite.
14:36 Tom Segura? Ever. Yeah.
14:37 Christina Pazsitzky? No, but you do like loose browns.
14:39 Tom Segura? I mean, I've had loose browns. I know what causes them.
14:43 Christina Pazsitzky? Well?
14:44 Tom Segura? Loose browns are high fat usually.
14:46 Christina Pazsitzky? Really? You think so? That's after all these years.
14:50 Tom Segura? The thing that is a guarantee for me is like, high fat, greasy.
14:54 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
14:54 Tom Segura? Like, it's gonna, like, I try to avoid that on almost every situation I'm in now.
14:59 Christina Pazsitzky? And that will prevent the loose browns?
15:01 Tom Segura? That'll prevent loose browns, yeah. I just don't have a good gut for high fat. I don't.
15:08 Christina Pazsitzky? That's interesting. You know, you should really tell our GI doctor that, that finding. You still haven't mailed in your shit.
15:14 Tom Segura? I haven't mailed in my shit.
15:17 Christina Pazsitzky? I wish you would.
15:17 Tom Segura? I know. Maybe it's a project for when I'm home for an extended period next. Take a nice, long, hot shit.
15:26 Christina Pazsitzky? Don't you have to just scoop a little bit?
15:28 Tom Segura? Into like, she gave me like 15 vials.
15:32 Tom Segura? And there's also instructions about how much shit, don't put in too little and don't put in too much.
15:36 Christina Pazsitzky? So specific.
15:37 Tom Segura? It's really cool. It's a cool thing.
15:38 Christina Pazsitzky? She's like, why haven't you given me back your shit?
15:40 Tom Segura? She told me that. She left me a message.
15:42 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, she's like, where's your shit?
15:43 Tom Segura? I don't have your poop. I need your poop.
15:44 Christina Pazsitzky? She's great.
15:45 Tom Segura? She is great.
15:45 Christina Pazsitzky? You really gotta get in there.
15:46 Tom Segura? Motherfucker, I gotta get my poop in there.
15:48 Christina Pazsitzky? This show is sponsored by Liquid IV. My key to making the switch from days filled with tan lines to ones filled with deadlines is to prioritize exercise. Thanks to Liquid IV's new sugar-free hydrating multiplier, sugar-free energy, I can skip the sugar and the crash. I love Liquid IV. I have my kids even drink it to keep them hydrated, especially when it's hot outside and even when it's not. Sometimes you're exercising, you don't feel like drinking water, but you really should. And Liquid IV makes it tasty and no calories. That's the best part. It's scientifically formulated to support physical energy, hydration, focus, mood,
16:29 Christina Pazsitzky? and social stamina. Just one stick and 16 ounces of water hydrates better than water alone. It's packed with three times the electrolytes of leading sports drinks and eight essential vitamins and nutrients. And it comes in two mouth-watering flavors, sugar-free energy strawberry kiwi and sugar-free energy blackberry lemonade. Ditch the glitch with zero sugar and zero crash from Liquid IV. Tear, pour, live more. Go to liquidiv.com and get 20% off your first order with code YMH at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with code YMH at liquidiv.com.
17:09 Speaker 02 When you shop Kroger delivery, you can expect the savings you love and fresh groceries delivered right to your door. From delicious produce to everyday essentials, enjoy the convenience of delivery and the trusted selection you've come to know from Kroger. Because bringing you fresh, quality groceries is what we do best. Right now, enjoy free delivery on orders of $50 or more with your digital coupon. Restrictions apply. See site for details. Kroger, fresh for everyone.
17:38 Christina Pazsitzky? Hey, by the way.
17:40 Tom Segura? Yeah.
17:41 Christina Pazsitzky? When we were on vacation.
17:42 Tom Segura? Mm-hmm.
17:44 Christina Pazsitzky? I don't know if this is too personal, if you don't want me to share this, we can edit this out, but I've been listening to you dump through walls for years, 20 years. And I've never brought this up until recently. When you, there's a point in your bowel movements where you go and you make an audible sound. What is happening at that moment?
18:09 Tom Segura? I don't know. I don't know that I'm making that sound.
18:12 Christina Pazsitzky? You do. You do.
18:13 Tom Segura? I don't know that I'm making that sound, though. So, I mean, you're telling me, like, what are you doing? I'm like, I don't understand.
18:18 Christina Pazsitzky? It's unconscious for you. Yeah.
18:20 Tom Segura? It sounds like, I mean, your description.
18:22 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
18:22 Tom Segura? It feels like it's just relief. Like, there goes all the work that I've been putting in. Done.
18:28 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, it's like, it's that. It's a sigh. Yeah, yeah, that's it.
18:32 Tom Segura? So that, that to me, sounds like I just was done pushing. Isn't that what that sounds like to you? Sounds like post-push?
18:40 Christina Pazsitzky? Yes.
18:40 Tom Segura? Relief?
18:42 Christina Pazsitzky? You're in labor. The contraction has gone. And then you let out the baby brown. Yeah, not, not too, I love it. What you did before? That, that's the sound.
18:54 Tom Segura? Yeah, that sounds like I just done pushing.
18:56 Christina Pazsitzky? But it's so loud that I can hear it.
18:58 Tom Segura? It's so loud?
18:59 Christina Pazsitzky? Through the wall.
19:00 Tom Segura? Wow.
19:00 Christina Pazsitzky? And I can even hear it in our own home.
19:03 Tom Segura? I know that you heard a couple pee farts, like when I would go pee and then fart. Cause I actually had some pretty epic ones down there.
19:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Amazing fart.
19:11 Tom Segura? Yeah.
19:12 Christina Pazsitzky? When you pee.
19:12 Tom Segura? Last couple of days, I was real bummed out that you weren't around for some of the stuff I had.
19:17 Christina Pazsitzky? I was really bummed too, because I was browning non-stop.
19:21 Tom Segura? You mentioned that. It was, I was sad to be so far away.
19:24 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was so crazy.
19:26 Tom Segura? So crazy.
19:27 Christina Pazsitzky? Can you imagine, I mean, we talk about this all the time, that there are couples who don't fart.
19:32 Tom Segura? I don't understand, because some of you have been in, isn't that, are you in that camp?
19:37 Christina Pazsitzky? That's a lie.
19:38 Speaker 01 No, no, no, I was, I was the opposite.
19:40 Tom Segura? Okay.
19:41 Speaker 01 That, I was saying that I don't fart around my friends.
19:43 Tom Segura? Yeah.
19:44 Speaker 01 But I will fart around a girlfriend.
19:45 Tom Segura? Yeah, because I don't understand the ones, though, that do say, like, yeah, you know, they're just like, yeah, I don't do that. So it's like, so anytime, like, let's say you have a gassy night.
19:54 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
19:55 Tom Segura? You just, you get up 30 times to leave because you might fart or something?
19:59 Christina Pazsitzky? Or what if you, what if you're? Peeing.
20:02 Tom Segura? Yeah.
20:03 Christina Pazsitzky? And then you let out some farts and she can hear, if you're in a hotel room, you're sharing a room. I'm gonna hear those farts.
20:09 Tom Segura? Of course.
20:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Why are you pretending like it doesn't happen?
20:11 Tom Segura? I mean, I have been with like a girl who I'm like, ah, I probably shouldn't do it with this one, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then you kind of hide them, you just, you know, in the fucking, in the bathroom.
20:20 Christina Pazsitzky? It doesn't work.
20:21 Tom Segura? It works.
20:21 Christina Pazsitzky? It doesn't work.
20:22 Tom Segura? It works.
20:22 Christina Pazsitzky? We know what you're doing.
20:23 Tom Segura? She didn't know. She was stupid.
20:25 Christina Pazsitzky? Stupid bitch. Dumb broad.
20:28 Tom Segura? She didn't know. Smells I wear now.
20:32 Christina Pazsitzky? But could you imagine, like, you guys go out to dinner, you're laying in bed, watching TV? And then you're like, excuse me, I have to.
20:39 Tom Segura? Excuse me, gotta wash my face again. I'm gonna go brush my teeth now. I forgot the floss. Wait, have you ever, have you ever held it in like in the beginning, though? Yeah, of course.
20:49 Christina Pazsitzky? A week, maybe, yeah.
20:50 Tom Segura? You were, I, I feel like those.
20:52 Christina Pazsitzky? It was terrible.
20:53 Tom Segura? Those fart, when, when you finally release. Incredible farts. Insane. Yeah. It's like a bomb goes off. Yeah. The whole house shakes.
21:00 Christina Pazsitzky? But, but imagine being in a relationship, a marriage, where that's the norm.
21:05 Tom Segura? That's what you do all the time.
21:06 Christina Pazsitzky? You're holding in farts all the time.
21:09 Tom Segura? Yeah.
21:10 Christina Pazsitzky? And then you're just waiting until you're in the bathroom to rip? I, I can't imagine. My stepmom would hold in her farts, my second one, sorry. I don't know, I'm on my fourth one, my second one.
21:25 Christina Pazsitzky? Cause my dad would rip them.
21:26 Tom Segura? He didn't care.
21:27 Christina Pazsitzky? He didn't give a shit, but if, she never tooted. She was very ladylike.
21:32 Tom Segura? And if he farted in front of her, he was like, so what?
21:36 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, she would pretend like, oh no, so gross. And then he would laugh and I would laugh and that, that's the fun.
21:42 Tom Segura? But she wouldn't do it in front of him?
21:43 Christina Pazsitzky? Never in a gazillion years. I don't think he would allow that.
21:47 Tom Segura? Yeah.
21:48 Christina Pazsitzky? As a man, I don't think he would allow it. He let me do it, cause I'm his daughter, but a woman.
21:53 Tom Segura? That he's trying to bang or is banging? No way.
21:55 Christina Pazsitzky? No fucking way.
21:57 Tom Segura? Yeah.
21:58 Christina Pazsitzky? No fucking way.
21:59 Tom Segura? Like, get the fuck out today.
22:00 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
22:01 Tom Segura? Right now.
22:01 Christina Pazsitzky? That's such a double standard, though.
22:03 Tom Segura? Of course it is. Yeah, it's insane.
22:05 Christina Pazsitzky? You wouldn't forbid me from farting, would you?
22:08 Tom Segura? Could I even attempt to do something like that?
22:10 Christina Pazsitzky? I would be devastated.
22:12 Tom Segura? I'd be like saying you're not allowed to breathe around here.
22:15 Tom Segura? No chance.
22:16 Christina Pazsitzky? Devastating, Ben.
22:17 Tom Segura? Speaking of reality shows, this one popped up on my feed. I didn't remember this show, but this story was pretty incredible and I want to show it to you. It's from a reality show back in the day.
22:29 Speaker 05 In 2006, there was a show on FX where two families swapped races, produced by Ice Cube. So for six weeks, they had a black family become white and a white family become black. And then all six of them lived in a house together. The show had two purposes. One is to see what the world would be like if you had a different skin color. The other objective, which is the most bizarre part of the show, is to see if you would pass as the other race. Like this white girl who is trying to pass as black is given a black chaperone, who shows her like how to be black, like how to get a black boyfriend. The black family who becomes white, you can tell that they just think it's ridiculous. Like when they see each other, they're like, why do we all look like Teddy Perkins?
23:10 Speaker 05 But then when the white family sees each other in blackface for the first time, they're like so turned on.
23:16 Speaker 02 It's nice. I love black. I mean visually and somehow heart wise, there's that warmth.
23:25 Speaker 02 Thank you. You look like a really nice man.
23:30 Speaker 02 Oh my God.
23:34 Christina Pazsitzky? Good morning.
23:42 Speaker 05 The black dad who's in whiteface goes to a golfing range to see if they'll think he's white. And he's like, hello whites, love those clubs. Where'd you get them? And they're like, why do you look like Jeffrey Dahmer with the media? And the white girl with the black chaperone has to see if she'll pass by writing and performing slam poetry.
24:00 Speaker 02 I really love words. I do. And like, to me, you can never have enough adjectives.
24:06 Speaker 05 Not looking good. A ritual so profound, the taste of sex. The body flush with hot and sticky fantastic. Little weird. Why is this white family so horny?
24:17 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
24:17 Tom Segura? Yeah, hold on.
24:19 Christina Pazsitzky? God damn.
24:22 Speaker 05 But no one in the show is worse than the white dad Bruno.
24:25 Speaker 01 You know, it's just, hey, Nick. I look forward to having someone say, hey, Nick. You know, you're a son of a bitch. I hate you, Nick. I kind of waited for somebody to go, hey, Nick.
24:37 Speaker 05 This man was dying to say it. Oh, my God. I couldn't wait. So to test if racism exists, Bruno goes to a car dealership in blackface. And he's disappointed because he wanted them to be like, hey, slave, you can't buy a car. And they didn't. So he says racism doesn't exist. Then the white family goes in blackface to sit at a panel with black people to hear their experiences on racism. But this is what happens when the facilitator asks if anyone's been called a derogatory name.
25:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, I used to work as a doorman at a disco, you know, and there's somebody came up intoxicated or didn't have the right dress on. You know, they say, come on, Nick.
25:14 Speaker 01 A lot more hostile than that. And I just, you know, yeah, that's right, I'm Nick. It just wouldn't affect me. And that would be the end of the conflict.
25:23 Christina Pazsitzky? He like.
25:23 Tom Segura? He was dying to use it so much. He used it in a clip thing thirty times.
25:29 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, that which means, yeah, that's a lot of filming.
25:32 Tom Segura? Yeah, you can see everyone around him is like, huh?
25:35 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, for them to piece that together, you really got to.
25:37 Tom Segura? Yeah, dropped it a lot. Yeah. I love that. He's like, well, the big thing is I really enjoyed the pass that I got by putting this makeup on.
25:47 Tom Segura? That's my big takeaway.
25:48 Christina Pazsitzky? I mean, look, the one thing I'm wondering is like, is the makeup convincing anybody? And how do they? I don't know. That part.
25:58 Tom Segura? He does not seem convinced. The daughter didn't seem convincing.
26:02 Christina Pazsitzky? No.
26:02 Tom Segura? No.
26:04 Christina Pazsitzky? The makeup is really my thing.
26:05 Tom Segura? I mean, they look, they look like they're white people in blackface is the way it.
26:10 Christina Pazsitzky? Yes.
26:11 Tom Segura? Comes across to me.
26:12 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
26:12 Tom Segura? Does it? Does it look like that to you guys? Oh, yeah. Yeah, a hundred percent. Right? Like you go, this is a. White person wearing a costume. Yeah, the, the, especially the, the black dude. I think the black dude's the worst. That's like, trying to be a white dude. Yeah, yeah, that looks. Looks like the Dave Chappelle skit. Yeah, it does.
26:29 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
26:30 Tom Segura? That's not even close. I mean, I kind of in this image, you know, this is also a heavily photoshopped image. Like, the mom seems kind of passable and like.
26:40 Christina Pazsitzky? I think the daughter could pass.
26:41 Tom Segura? Yeah, but it's also like this still image when she, when you saw her actually live moving around.
26:48 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, man, I'd be so nervous as a white person trying to pass for black. Oh, my God, amazing. The kid looks good.
26:55 Tom Segura? Yeah.
26:56 Christina Pazsitzky? No, they make them look better in this photo.
26:58 Tom Segura? Yeah.
26:58 Christina Pazsitzky? Than they did on camera.
26:59 Tom Segura? The woman just looks like a light-skinned black woman.
27:03 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
27:03 Tom Segura? A hundred percent.
27:03 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, then that's not a good job.
27:05 Tom Segura? Yeah.
27:07 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, man.
27:08 Tom Segura? That's crazy.
27:09 Christina Pazsitzky? I would be so nervous.
27:10 Tom Segura? I want to see this show so much.
27:12 Christina Pazsitzky? I know, I know.
27:13 Tom Segura? Yeah.
27:13 Christina Pazsitzky? Because what if they're like, are you wearing blackface makeup? No.
27:17 Tom Segura? No, what you talking about?
27:20 Tom Segura? Talking about my skin right now?
27:21 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, my God.
27:22 Tom Segura? Yeah.
27:22 Christina Pazsitzky? Dude, they were so horny for each other. Did you see that?
27:25 Tom Segura? Yeah.
27:26 Christina Pazsitzky? He's like, I love you. You're so beautiful.
27:28 Tom Segura? Oh, shit.
27:28 Christina Pazsitzky? What the fuck?
27:29 Tom Segura? You seem like a nice man.
27:31 Christina Pazsitzky? You seem like a nice man.
27:32 Tom Segura? That was her flirting.
27:34 Christina Pazsitzky? Fucking weird, dude.
27:35 Tom Segura? I mean, we're a production studio. Why don't we just remake it?
27:38 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh.
27:38 Tom Segura? We could do it with the staff. It's a really good idea. I'll do whiteface. You'll do whiteface? Mm-hmm. Hi, everybody.
27:45 Christina Pazsitzky? Hi, everybody.
27:46 Tom Segura? Do you have your white voice down? Oh, yeah. You fucking kidding me? Hey, guys, how's it going? Beautiful day we're having.
27:53 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, that's good.
27:54 Tom Segura? That's really good.
27:55 Christina Pazsitzky? Can you do a southern?
27:55 Tom Segura? Observations about the day.
27:57 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, they love talking chip chat.
27:59 Speaker 02 Now, at Kroger, your points add up to more ways to save every trip. Use them your way to take dollars off groceries at checkout or save at the pump. You can even save up to $35 on your next fill-up. Same points, more choices. And with low prices on fresh, quality food, plus digital and personalized offers tailored to how you shop, your dollar goes further. Redeem your points online or in the app. Kroger, fresh for everyone. Restrictions apply. See site or store for details.
28:29 Tom Segura? It's about the humidity, honestly. The humidity is really what gets you. I got you. You got the whole white thing down. Who would you do in blackface? Huh? Who would you put in blackface? Whoever wants to take the risk. No, but I mean, we're gonna go all out.
28:45 Christina Pazsitzky? I'm not gonna do it.
28:46 Tom Segura? We'd go all out. We would not do just some like, like a tan, you know? Like, we're not just gonna put like toner on or whatever.
28:54 Christina Pazsitzky? How would we do it? Like in Soul Man, would we make them take tanning pills?
28:57 Tom Segura? No, no, no. I'm saying we would do the, we would do the skin tone.
29:00 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
29:01 Tom Segura? We would do hair, but we would also do prosthetics.
29:04 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, yeah, make it look, yeah, they could have done prosthetics.
29:07 Tom Segura? Prosthetics to like really convince, yeah.
29:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah. I mean, who knows? Maybe the makeup's so much better now that they, they didn't do that shit back then.
29:15 Tom Segura? Anybody on the staff really wanna?
29:17 Christina Pazsitzky? Someone wanna be black?
29:18 Tom Segura? I'm pretty sure I know one person in here that would. Who's that? Tanner. Oh, yeah, yeah. Liked the opportunity. Something tells me he would do what the dad did too. What's up?
29:28 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, my god.
29:30 Tom Segura? Big yeah?
29:31 Christina Pazsitzky? Big yeah? Which one of the girls? That's not gonna...
29:37 Christina Pazsitzky? Can I pass?
29:38 Tom Segura? Oh, you should do it. That's a good idea.
29:40 Christina Pazsitzky? Me?
29:41 Tom Segura? Yeah.
29:41 Christina Pazsitzky? I can't pretend to be black. I'm the whitest, dorkiest nerd.
29:44 Tom Segura? That's why you got to do it. You can understand what people have been through.
29:48 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, fuck.
29:49 Tom Segura? You know? And then after that, I'll send you to this place.
29:54 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, yeah, this one. Welcome to America.
30:03 Christina Pazsitzky? Tell me what you're thinking.
30:05 Speaker 02 Just so much.
30:08 Speaker 02 Kleenexes, please?
30:11 Speaker 02 I've always, I've always been interested in history and the history of black people. I took, I took Afrocentric classes at U of L. My grandma lived at 2821 West Kentucky Street.
30:29 Speaker 02 I've read so many books. And now I belong to a church that's primarily African-American.
30:36 Christina Pazsitzky? And I wouldn't be anywhere else. Beautiful.
30:41 Christina Pazsitzky? Thank you.
30:45 Christina Pazsitzky? I know. You know what it reminded me of when we went to the apartheid museum?
30:49 Tom Segura? Oh, in South Africa.
30:49 Christina Pazsitzky? And we were like, oh, what?
30:52 Tom Segura? Everybody's fucked up leaving there.
30:54 Christina Pazsitzky? Dude, that's exactly what it reminded me of when I found this. I was like...
30:59 Tom Segura? I was so excited that someone was gonna hit her, though. Like, that's what I thought was gonna...
31:02 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, like, start beating her?
31:03 Tom Segura? Yeah, like, someone just, you see a whip, just go, "Fish!" And she's like, "Ah!" Yeah. And they're like, "Welcome to America, bitch."
31:10 Christina Pazsitzky? Get in the fields, bitch!
31:11 Tom Segura? Yeah. That was nothing.
31:13 Christina Pazsitzky? No, they need to better... I agree. You know what, Tom?
31:16 Tom Segura? Yeah.
31:16 Christina Pazsitzky? You're fucking right. Can I tell you why the apartheid apartheid museum was so effective?
31:21 Tom Segura? Yeah.
31:21 Christina Pazsitzky? Remember when you check in, they give you a card, and either you're a white, mixed, or a black? And you have to go in a separate entrance, colored. You have to go in a separate entrance, depending on that. And I was like, "Oh, that's so fucked up." So that's just the beginning.
31:36 Tom Segura? Blanks?
31:37 Christina Pazsitzky? Blanca's. But anyway, yeah, they should have been beating her and reprimanding her.
31:44 Tom Segura? That apartheid museum is unbelievable.
31:46 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, that's a real bummer, man.
31:48 Tom Segura? Yeah.
31:48 Christina Pazsitzky? Shit. Yeah, that one really gets the point across.
31:51 Tom Segura? Oh, my god. Yeah, then we did a show that night.
31:54 Christina Pazsitzky? That's it. That's where you enter in. Blanca's, non-whites.
31:58 Tom Segura? Yeah.
31:59 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, you know. You know what, though? I do like how she rattles off, like, her black credibility, though. She's like, "My grandma lived on 4527 Martin Luther King."
32:08 Tom Segura? I go to a church now.
32:10 Christina Pazsitzky? And I like blacks, I swear.
32:11 Tom Segura? I've always had an interest in blacks. And the guy's like, "Okay, okay."
32:16 Christina Pazsitzky? He's like, "You pass. You're a cool one."
32:17 Tom Segura? You're cool.
32:19 Christina Pazsitzky? I mean, obviously...
32:20 Tom Segura? She's so traumatized, this lady.
32:23 Christina Pazsitzky? But obviously, you're down with black people if you're willing to, like,
32:25 Tom Segura? Yeah.
32:25 Christina Pazsitzky? go through that experience, you know?
32:27 Tom Segura? Of course, of course.
32:28 Christina Pazsitzky? But she still has to give her credibility.
32:30 Tom Segura? She's carrying a lot with her.
32:32 Christina Pazsitzky? A lot of guilt, yeah.
32:33 Tom Segura? He's like, "Is there a reason you feel this way?"
32:37 Tom Segura? "I wasn't that nice in high school."
32:44 Christina Pazsitzky? Big, yeah.
32:47 Tom Segura? So, uh, yeah, here's a change of pace, though. You might like to...
32:49 Christina Pazsitzky? Sure. My name is Christopher Torres, and I took a picture of this lady's behind. You took a picture of my behind? Yes, I did. Absolutely. And what are you gonna do with our picture?
32:57 Tom Segura? Um, I'm not sure. Maybe later on I'll figure it out. Yeah, okay, awesome. You're going on TikTok. That's cool. Alright. I, I, hi TikTok. Hi TikTok. Oh, I'm creepy because I like beautiful women. Yeah, you're fucking creepy. Don't take pictures of women. You're fucking creepy. What do you want me to take pictures of? You are the problem in this world. I'm a problem? Yeah, you're a huge problem. Do I like beautiful women? Yeah. If that's a problem, I did. It's my body. You're not allowed to take pictures of it. I'm not touching your body. Alright. You're not, you're not. Alright, I'll see you on TikTok. Alright, goodbye. That was kinda cool.
33:28 Christina Pazsitzky? You've been to Saudi Arabia?
33:30 Tom Segura? Yeah.
33:32 Christina Pazsitzky? What would happen if he'd pulled that in Riyadh?
33:35 Tom Segura? Took a picture of beautiful woman? I don't know. Depends where he falls in the hierarchy, I think.
33:43 Tom Segura? He'd be allowed to if he was a certain, had a certain last name.
33:46 Christina Pazsitzky? Sure, sure, sure.
33:46 Tom Segura? Yeah.
33:47 Christina Pazsitzky? Um, but that's cool that he's like, what, I can't take a picture of a beautiful lady?
33:51 Tom Segura? Yeah.
33:53 Christina Pazsitzky? No one's ever taken a picture of my ass.
33:54 Tom Segura? My name is Christopher Torres and I took a picture of this lady behind. My name is Christopher Torres.
33:58 Christina Pazsitzky? Christopher Torres. Took a picture of those ladies behind.
34:01 Tom Segura? Yeah.
34:01 Christina Pazsitzky? I do love these soda machines that he's using though. Aren't those the greatest? There's just all those varieties.
34:06 Tom Segura? Oh my god, you see them in movie theaters, right?
34:08 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
34:09 Tom Segura? Cause you can get diet cherry vanilla coke.
34:12 Christina Pazsitzky? It's so good. They should have these more places.
34:15 Tom Segura? It's really great.
34:16 Christina Pazsitzky? Where's this fool at that he gets to have that?
34:18 Tom Segura? Can you buy one of those?
34:19 Christina Pazsitzky? Damn, yeah, can we get one for the office?
34:22 Tom Segura? How much are those?
34:24 Christina Pazsitzky? That's sort of a thousand dollars.
34:25 Tom Segura? How much is a Coca-Cola freestyle machine?
34:27 Christina Pazsitzky? God damn. I imagine the maintenance is, is suck.
34:30 Tom Segura? It's a motherfucker. Yeah, for sure.
34:32 Christina Pazsitzky? Cause all the syrups, all the fucking carbonation you gotta put in there.
34:37 Tom Segura? Yeah.
34:38 Christina Pazsitzky? That's no joke. But I do love the amount.
34:41 Tom Segura? Coca-Cola freestyle.
34:44 Christina Pazsitzky? Alright, let's see.
34:44 Tom Segura? Seventy-one hundred. Ooh, this is eighty-one hundred.
34:48 Christina Pazsitzky? So expensive.
34:49 Tom Segura? That's a fucking ninety one hundred. That's even better. How much are these? No prices listed.
34:57 Christina Pazsitzky? Dang.
35:00 Christina Pazsitzky? Twenty thousand? Find the specs, bro.
35:03 Tom Segura? Come on.
35:06 Christina Pazsitzky? It is really the maintenance that's gonna kill you.
35:08 Tom Segura? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:08 Christina Pazsitzky? They're probably super sensitive and I bet they get broken a lot.
35:12 Tom Segura? Has no.
35:13 Christina Pazsitzky? If anybody's listening and services these machines, the Coke, the Coke freestyle machine, will you let us know if the maintenance is a bitch on these?
35:20 Tom Segura? This one looks like it's a bid, though.
35:21 Christina Pazsitzky? That's an old ass one.
35:22 Tom Segura? That's, yeah, that's eight grand.
35:24 Christina Pazsitzky? That's a bullshit one, too. It's all little and shit.
35:27 Tom Segura? You can't find out the fucking, they don't.
35:29 Christina Pazsitzky? Fucking, come on, Bignia, find it.
35:32 Tom Segura? That says a grand. There's no way.
35:34 Christina Pazsitzky? There's no way.
35:35 Tom Segura? It's not a grand.
35:37 Christina Pazsitzky? That's like a mini one or something.
35:40 Tom Segura? This is crazy.
35:41 Christina Pazsitzky? That's a tiny one. Dude, why can't they make other things like this specific? You know what I'm saying?
35:46 Tom Segura? I'm gonna see if I can find it.
35:48 Christina Pazsitzky? They should make like a popcorn machine that has all the different flavors you could put on there, too. Or candy? I wonder if they have freestyle candy machines?
35:58 Tom Segura? Uh, the brand new freestyle machine is in the twelve to twenty thousand dollar range
36:02 Christina Pazsitzky? Damn.
36:02 Tom Segura? for an outright purchase. Um, some say it can be fifteen to twenty. Leasing placement example is three hundred a month for people that just wanna lease them.
36:11 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, that's probably the smartest way to do it.
36:13 Tom Segura? When you see cost, it's not just the machine. You'll likely need to commit to a supply contract with Coca-Cola. Installation, plumbing, ice machine capacity, connectivity, ongoing cartridges, yeah.
36:25 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, it's a nightmare. It's expensive shit.
36:27 Tom Segura? Holy shit. Alright, well, look into it. Let's try getting one in the lobby. That sounds like a great idea.
36:32 Christina Pazsitzky? Such a waste of money.
36:35 Tom Segura? Everybody can have special Coca-colas.
36:38 Christina Pazsitzky? I mean, if Coke wants to sponsor us and give us the machine.
36:41 Tom Segura? We've dealt with the Fortune five hundreds before. I don't know, dude. I don't know. I don't know.
36:47 Christina Pazsitzky? I know.
36:48 Tom Segura? Wanna see something wild?
36:49 Christina Pazsitzky? I know, yeah.
36:50 Tom Segura? So I've somebody who just in the last few years started getting like real dad eyes, right?
36:56 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
36:57 Tom Segura? Like my vision is declining by the minute, okay? And so every year. I get my eyes checked out. Every year they go, they're worse. And every year they go, you need new prescriptions. And so they take my glasses and I get all new prescriptions. So now I wear them almost all the time. You know, I don't wear them on stage or anything, but most of the time I have them on. I never had it, because I think glasses are so new to me. Meaning like I didn't start wearing them at all until I was over 40. I've always had this thing where I've just never felt comfortable with contacts. I've never done anything with contacts. You know, and I know a lot of people obviously use them, but then I saw this video and it's like, oh, it made me want to not use contacts more.
37:37 Christina Pazsitzky? Down? I don't like it. And you can see, can you lift it up a little bit? There's a, there's a third contact. Look down some more. We just removed two and a half contacts. You can see this piece coming out. There's more. Dude. Fuck.
37:55 Speaker 04 How many?
37:56 Christina Pazsitzky? I don't know. There's actually one.
37:58 Speaker 04 Oh, God.
37:59 Christina Pazsitzky? There's a whole waddle there.
38:01 Speaker 04 I believe it.
38:07 Christina Pazsitzky? What is going on?
38:08 Tom Segura? They were just all in her eye.
38:10 Christina Pazsitzky? Well, she forgets that she's got. Give us book of record patients.
38:13 Speaker 04 Oh, gosh.
38:14 Christina Pazsitzky? We're delivering.
38:14 Speaker 04 Time to be remembered.
38:18 Tom Segura? She's got seven, eight, nine contacts up there.
38:22 Christina Pazsitzky? Can you say that again? Is she elderly? I have to count them. I think I've already counted more than 10 or 12.
38:28 Speaker 04 Oh, come on.
38:28 Christina Pazsitzky? No, I'm serious. She's old. Yeah, she's old. She's an old lady. We're mentally ill.
38:34 Tom Segura? The doctor removed a total of 23 contacts. Lady would forget to remove contacts before bed and then they trap between her eyelid and eye. 23, just up there.
38:44 Christina Pazsitzky? I'm surprised she can still see without the infection raging through there. Bro, that's like my worst nightmare. That's why I would never fuck with contacts.
38:52 Tom Segura? I know.
38:53 Christina Pazsitzky? To touching your eye at night to get that thing out. And what if you forget? Or what if you don't wash it? You put your fucking finger in your eye two times a day at least? Fuck that. You know what I wouldn't even fuck with either is that LASIK shit. I know it's supposed to fix your shit.
39:08 Tom Segura? I know.
39:08 Christina Pazsitzky? But like, bro, they screw that up.
39:11 Tom Segura? They have.
39:11 Christina Pazsitzky? And they have. I've seen like pieces of documentaries on TikTok or whatever about people like fucked up LASIK.
39:18 Tom Segura? Yeah.
39:19 Christina Pazsitzky? That's it, dude.
39:20 Tom Segura? That's it.
39:20 Christina Pazsitzky? It's your eyes. You're done.
39:21 Tom Segura? You're done driving. You're done seeing.
39:23 Christina Pazsitzky? You're done.
39:24 Tom Segura? Yeah. My friend was kind of allergic to whatever medication they use for LASIK. Lasik surgery and he was blind for two weeks.
39:31 Christina Pazsitzky? What?
39:32 Tom Segura? Straight up blind.
39:33 Christina Pazsitzky? What do you mean?
39:33 Tom Segura? Will you Google what are the possible negative outcomes?
39:37 Christina Pazsitzky? About allergic to.
39:40 Tom Segura? And she can't drive at night now. Who? I have an aunt and she got Lasik like years ago and now she can't drive at night ever.
39:46 Christina Pazsitzky? Cool.
39:47 Tom Segura? That's cool.
39:47 Christina Pazsitzky? Great.
39:48 Tom Segura? Let's see what it, what the results say here. All right, negative outcomes, very common dry eyes that can reduce tear production.
39:56 Christina Pazsitzky? Great.
39:57 Tom Segura? This can occur, uh, visual disturbances, glare, halo, starburst, double vision.
40:02 Christina Pazsitzky? That's fun.
40:03 Tom Segura? Some people just experience difficulty driving at night, uh, under correction or over correction. You still might need glasses or contacts, sometimes a second procedure is required. Uh, flap complications removes a, creating a corneal flap. If it heals poorly, it can lead to infection, result in wrinkles or displacement of the flap.
40:25 Tom Segura? Regression, eyes can gradually shift back toward your original prescription.
40:28 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, no.
40:29 Tom Segura? Corneal ectasia, rare but serious. Cornea becomes weakened, begins to bulge, may require specialty contacts or a corneal transplant. Inflammation or infection, risk is low, but it can happen. Loss of visual sharpness, a contrast sensitivity. Some people notice that while they have 2020 vision, things appear fuzzier.
40:51 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, could you imagine?
40:53 Tom Segura? Discomfort, Jesus.
40:55 Christina Pazsitzky? You pay for that, you go through it and then this shit happens?
40:58 Tom Segura? Here's the less common rare outcomes, this is what I'm talking about.
41:02 Tom Segura? Photophobia, light sensitivity, problems with eye tracking.
41:05 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, no.
41:06 Tom Segura? Incomplete correction, people with high prescriptions or thin corneas. Uh, some patients report depression or anxiety after the complications. And you have dry, you have higher risk if you have dry eyes already, you have a thin cornea, you have high myopia or high hyperopia. You have an autoimmune condition. Yeah.
41:25 Christina Pazsitzky? No way.
41:26 Tom Segura? I don't know. I'm like you. I don't want to.
41:28 Christina Pazsitzky? I'd rather wear glasses, but I will say I'm pissed that you like this particular frame because that's
41:34 Tom Segura? But I've had this one for a long time.
41:36 Christina Pazsitzky? My frame. I know. And now I can't wear mine that are identical because then we look like
41:40 Tom Segura? Double dorks.
41:40 Christina Pazsitzky? Dorks.
41:41 Tom Segura? Yeah.
41:41 Christina Pazsitzky? So I have to find clever, like weirder ones.
41:45 Tom Segura? Yeah.
41:45 Christina Pazsitzky? And this doesn't look as good. I like mine that look like that.
41:48 Tom Segura? I understand.
41:49 Christina Pazsitzky? You understand. You don't understand. Why don't you get different, get some different shits, dude?
41:54 Tom Segura? Yeah.
41:55 Christina Pazsitzky? You know, you should get tiny ones, like real tiny, thin, tiny ones.
41:59 Tom Segura? Yeah.
41:59 Christina Pazsitzky? Wire, wire, wire looks cool.
42:02 Tom Segura? You know, I think the all time, I mean, this is debatable, but greatest find that this show ever came up with is
42:09 Christina Pazsitzky? What's up there, Chomo? I mean.
42:10 Tom Segura? Right? And we're always wondering, is his spirit alive? Is he still with us?
42:15 Christina Pazsitzky? He is.
42:16 Tom Segura? You look for signs.
42:17 Christina Pazsitzky? He is.
42:18 Tom Segura? Things in the universe.
42:20 Christina Pazsitzky? Let me see where is he?
42:21 Tom Segura? Little things that happen and you go, he's still there. He's here with us. And sometimes we're told that we, somebody has discovered a new version of him.
42:30 Christina Pazsitzky? He's reincarnated.
42:31 Tom Segura? Yeah, reincarnated. It's his son or somebody. So here's somebody who is accosting people that are minding their business and therefore our buddy Herc comes to mind. So let's just see where this guy goes.
42:44 Christina Pazsitzky? Check these bitch ass cowards out. Bitch ass fucking cowards. Check these people out. These fucking bitch ass motherfuckers. Fuck you. It's like, what, what did you say? Oh, hell no. It's in the south, bro. Are you transgender person on, on, on the, on the right? You look transgender with that hairstyle. You look transgender. Are you, are you a man or female? I can't even tell the difference, uh, this day and age. You can't even tell the difference.
43:14 Tom Segura? Isn't that cool?
43:15 Christina Pazsitzky? I love this.
43:15 Tom Segura? Just people doing their own thing.
43:17 Christina Pazsitzky? Sitting on their porch. Are you a male or female? I, I can't even tell the fucking difference. Teenagers. Kids. You can't even tell the difference this day and age. You know, who, who's a male who, or who's actually a female. Maybe you're transgender. He's not transgender. So that person right there, that person right
43:35 Speaker 06 There, um, supposedly as part of the call to Scientology. We, we still gotta further, uh, uh, verify that. Um, he likes to call in, make baseless reports. That's what he likes to do.
43:46 Tom Segura? Mm-hmm.
43:46 Speaker 06 And, uh, he cheated. Yeah, he cheated, supposedly.
43:50 Christina Pazsitzky? Supposedly.
43:51 Speaker 06 This is what I was told from a third party. He cheated at his, uh, swimming, uh, competitions. He, he, he took things that he's not even supposed to be taking, um, during his, uh, swimming competitions, supposedly.
44:01 Tom Segura? Supposedly. Okay.
44:04 Speaker 06 Just like last winter. Um, I have a video of him supposedly doing drugs. I don't know if that was drugs, but it definitely looked like it.
44:11 Christina Pazsitzky? Supposedly.
44:13 Speaker 06 You should handle your own problems. You should handle your own problems. Be a fucking grown ass man. You act like a fucking girl. All of yous act like fucking girls. I've had somebody try to murder me with a car and you don't see me act like y'all. Y'all are a bunch of pussies. Y'all are a bunch of weak ass fucking females. That's exactly what, what y'all are. Y'all are weak ass females. Y'all are not men. Y'all are fucking females.
44:36 Tom Segura? Okay, I'll say this. Guy's got a lot of potential. Do we know anything more about him? Cause I'm really feeling his style. He's great. Oh, that's him. I discovered this man.
44:45 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh.
44:46 Tom Segura? And he's, uh, he's the best. Sigma.
44:50 Speaker 06 Sigma Chi audits.
44:52 Tom Segura? Oh, he's just going after Sigma Chis?
44:55 Speaker 06 Mainly, and, and Scientology, I think.
44:58 Tom Segura? That's such a cool lane.
45:00 Speaker 06 Yeah.
45:00 Christina Pazsitzky? Wow.
45:01 Tom Segura? Also the police that defends Sigma Chi. Oh, wow. So these are all Sigma Chi guys that he's exposing?
45:08 Speaker 06 Yeah.
45:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Look at followed by.
45:10 Tom Segura? Bro, okay, start on the first one. Go to the first pin thing there.
45:15 Christina Pazsitzky? Stupid.
45:16 Speaker 06 Dude, good to see ya.
45:22 Speaker 06 I'm not doing this right now, man. I just graduated.
45:30 Tom Segura? He walks around with like a ring on his, the tabs doing it. Oh. And then just click the right arrow. Let's go to the next thing. This is my first ever interaction with Sigma Chiology fraternity. I was auditing the street vendor and giving them compliments about their food. When a communist Hispanic guy and Oriental crackpot security guard from Sigma Chi came.
45:52 Speaker 01 Over and bark orders.
46:01 Tom Segura? Oh yeah, this guy has a lot of the same.
46:04 Christina Pazsitzky? What, what's wrong? This is a public sidewalk. He's young, too. You don't own the public sidewalk? This is a public sidewalk.
46:11 Tom Segura? This is just what Herc is.
46:12 Christina Pazsitzky? I know, I know. I have every right to stand on a public sidewalk. Can I? And film whatever I can film on the public sidewalk.
46:19 Speaker 04 But like, so, is there anything I can do for you?
46:21 Christina Pazsitzky? No. Nothing.
46:22 Speaker 04 You're just making a video or something?
46:24 Christina Pazsitzky? None of your business. This is a public sidewalk. I have every right to stand on the public sidewalk.
46:29 Speaker 04 Just to be fair.
46:30 Christina Pazsitzky? And exercise my First Amendment right.
46:34 Christina Pazsitzky? You don't tell me what to do. This is exactly Herc.
46:37 Tom Segura? It's, exactly.
46:38 Christina Pazsitzky? Wow.
46:39 Tom Segura? Alright, close that.
46:40 Christina Pazsitzky? But you know what's really special?
46:42 Tom Segura? What?
46:43 Christina Pazsitzky? Is that we're getting... I would like to thank you for having a great police chief and a great sheriff.
46:48 Tom Segura? Go ahead.
46:49 Christina Pazsitzky? Is that we're getting this guy young.
46:52 Tom Segura? Yeah, we can see him evolve into this.
46:54 Christina Pazsitzky? Right. Because Herc, we have caught him at the end of his career of menacing. And this kid, what's his name? He's young.
47:03 Tom Segura? He's the audit, he's the auditor.
47:04 Christina Pazsitzky? The auditor.
47:05 Tom Segura? Can you scroll down?
47:07 Christina Pazsitzky? This is great.
47:08 Tom Segura? Do you ever see him?
47:10 Christina Pazsitzky? I know, I gotta see what he looks like.
47:12 Tom Segura? Ooh, is that a woman there that he's accosting?
47:14 Christina Pazsitzky? Please let it be a woman. Report real news, why do you have to report fake news? Why don't you talk about how they have 50% of the budget? Why don't you ever talk about that?
47:21 Tom Segura? That's the same look he would get.
47:22 Christina Pazsitzky? Same voice.
47:23 Tom Segura? This is one of the rare times someone checks you.
47:25 Speaker 04 Get out of our neighborhood!
47:27 Christina Pazsitzky? Get out of our neighborhood! Report real news, why do you have to...
47:30 Tom Segura? Dude, that even fucking sounds like him.
47:32 Christina Pazsitzky? I know! I know that real ragged, hard voice. So, listen here, I have a thing. A trooper broke the law yesterday in Elton, huh? And um God damn. Stamp on a face. Stamp on someone's face is a rape charge. Yeah.
47:50 Tom Segura? What?
47:52 Tom Segura? Give somebody the stamp.
47:53 Christina Pazsitzky? What?
47:54 Tom Segura? Huh? The stamp?
47:56 Christina Pazsitzky? What?
47:56 Tom Segura? Yeah.
47:57 Christina Pazsitzky? Do it, Tom. Do the porno what?
47:59 Tom Segura? What?
48:02 Tom Segura? Yeah.
48:03 Christina Pazsitzky? What? You two guys get over here and suck my dicks.
48:06 Tom Segura? There you go.
48:07 Christina Pazsitzky? Isn't that what he says?
48:08 Tom Segura? Yep.
48:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Dude, this guy is awesome.
48:10 Tom Segura? This guy's great, dude.
48:11 Christina Pazsitzky? Good find, Annie. Or park illegally quick. Oh. Quick, quick, quick.
48:15 Tom Segura? Nah, it's just a little ride down memory lane.
48:18 Christina Pazsitzky? It brings back such a good time.
48:26 Christina Pazsitzky? Fuck, dude.
48:33 Tom Segura? Yeah.
48:34 Christina Pazsitzky? Poor dog.
48:38 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh shit, dude. Fuck, fuck.
48:46 Tom Segura? Yeah.
48:47 Christina Pazsitzky? Light your brain on fire.
48:50 Tom Segura? Yeah.
48:57 Christina Pazsitzky? By the way.
49:03 Christina Pazsitzky? Are you done?
49:06 Christina Pazsitzky? Well, I'm sorry. Let me get, let's get the giggles out first, psycho. Tim.
49:11 Tom Segura? Yeah.
49:12 Christina Pazsitzky? You know how hard it is to pull a tooth out?
49:13 Tom Segura? That's a lot.
49:14 Christina Pazsitzky? The roots?
49:15 Tom Segura? The amount of force that just took.
49:18 Christina Pazsitzky? So, he's not feeling it. So, the amount of meth you've gotta be on to not feel it?
49:23 Tom Segura? Yeah.
49:24 Christina Pazsitzky? Cause I've seen Hungarian dudes do this on the internet.
49:27 Tom Segura? Vodka.
49:28 Christina Pazsitzky? But they're drunk as shit.
49:29 Tom Segura? Yeah.
49:29 Christina Pazsitzky? He doesn't look drunk, dude.
49:30 Tom Segura? Yeah.
49:32 Christina Pazsitzky? Fuck.
49:32 Tom Segura? That was really something, man.
49:34 Christina Pazsitzky? He's got like, nice art on his ceiling.
49:36 Tom Segura? Yeah.
49:37 Christina Pazsitzky? The girl with the pearl earring or something on there?
49:39 Tom Segura? Oh shit, that was awesome.
49:42 Christina Pazsitzky? Remember when he's like, oh, like a skinny woman, 112 pounds?
49:45 Tom Segura? Yeah.
49:46 Christina Pazsitzky? I can't wait for the Sigma Chi guy.
49:48 Tom Segura? To start getting horny?
49:50 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
49:50 Tom Segura? Yeah. Me too. Yeah.
49:53 Christina Pazsitzky? Cause right now, he's just in his, I'm menacing the other guys.
49:58 Tom Segura? Yeah.
49:58 Christina Pazsitzky? Which is bold, because five of those Sigma Chi guys could beat his ass.
50:02 Tom Segura? They have really good dispositions, though. They're all kinda like, even the guys, the guy's like, can we not? I just graduated.
50:08 Christina Pazsitzky? He's so sweet.
50:09 Tom Segura? Did you just move along? On the one of the rare videos where you see a little bit of him. That's him in the beginning. That's him right there?
50:16 Christina Pazsitzky? So they know him. For like, here's fucking Trevor.
50:20 Tom Segura? That's a, that's a.
50:21 Speaker 06 What's your name, sir?
50:25 Speaker 06 Alright. You're being video recorded too.
50:29 Speaker 06 Yeah, whatever.
50:30 Tom Segura? You don't see him again, but that's, that's it. Wait. Goes around wearing the. So this is the cops POV? Yeah. Oh. This is a body cam, so it's showing him recording everybody else. Wow, University of Washington, so he's up there, okay.
50:42 Christina Pazsitzky? I'm sorry, it's Washington?
50:44 Tom Segura? Sorry, in Seattle. So that's him, huh?
50:46 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, that's in Meat Rattle?
50:47 Tom Segura? Yeah.
50:49 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, I thought they were in the south.
50:51 Tom Segura? Mm-mm.
50:51 Christina Pazsitzky? They had a little y'all there and.
50:53 Speaker 06 Well, I think those first ones were in UCLA.
50:55 Tom Segura? That said, I mean, the kid had an UCLA shirt, so that could have been like those Westwood frat houses, right?
51:00 Christina Pazsitzky? Yes, yeah.
51:01 Speaker 06 But yeah, like, like Herc, he's all over the place.
51:03 Tom Segura? Yeah, he's moving, he's wherever the chariots go, right?
51:06 Speaker 06 Exactly.
51:07 Tom Segura? Looking for white chariots, man.
51:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Wow, I'm really excited.
51:10 Tom Segura? I mean, that is the spirit of Herc out there, for sure.
51:14 Christina Pazsitzky? For sure, yeah. I believe in reincarnation.
51:16 Tom Segura? I love the lady, the newscaster's face. She's like.
51:19 Christina Pazsitzky? Get the fuck out of here.
51:22 Christina Pazsitzky? Another crazy person. Ruining my thing.
51:26 Tom Segura? This fucking guy, she's, look at her.
51:28 Christina Pazsitzky? Look at her, she's so over this shit. She's like, I have to fucking do this story on the frat house that's bad enough.
51:35 Tom Segura? Yeah, crazy that he didn't hit the old lady back. That's the part where you're like, come on, man, be, be yourself.
51:41 Christina Pazsitzky? You think so?
51:42 Tom Segura? Yeah, she came at him, like, she came at him aggressively.
51:45 Christina Pazsitzky? But would Herc hit a woman back?
51:47 Tom Segura? Is this like a Sigma Chi with a chick?
51:49 Christina Pazsitzky? The dating, yeah. You got 390 likes?
51:54 Tom Segura? This is crazy.
51:58 Christina Pazsitzky? That's it?
51:59 Tom Segura? That's it. That's all he does.
52:01 Christina Pazsitzky? Just menacing.
52:02 Tom Segura? Just lets them know I'm recording you. And if anyone ever wears long. Socks, that's his, that's his big thing.
52:07 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, that is.
52:08 Tom Segura? What does he say about that? He's just like, why are you wearing long socks? That's fucking stupid. You're stupid. Okay. It's pretty great. Ankle socks only for this guy. This is a really cool channel. I can't believe you guys. Uh oh.
52:23 Christina Pazsitzky? Heavy breathing going up to the
52:25 Tom Segura? He's really fucking heavy.
52:26 Christina Pazsitzky? Late night food market.
52:27 Tom Segura? Oh, and also going towards cops.
52:29 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, yeah, yeah.
52:29 Tom Segura? That's another Herc thing.
52:30 Christina Pazsitzky? That's meth, that's meth. Yeah, that's what Dr. Drew always told us.
52:33 Tom Segura? Yep. I'm telling you, man, I found this, like, this is And then they claim they don't have enough officers. Yep.
52:39 Christina Pazsitzky? Shit.
52:41 Tom Segura? Oh, I remember that, that, that bitch right there in the fucking middle. I remember her. Fucking ugly ass bitch. I remember you.
52:50 Christina Pazsitzky? What?
52:53 Tom Segura? Who the fuck you think you are? Let me, let me figure out who the hell you are. And I'll ruin your fuck life. Let me get your fucking plate. California or Montana? C zero P LV, I'm gonna run your fucking plate. I'm gonna get all your information.
53:07 Christina Pazsitzky? He's, just like Herc.
53:09 Tom Segura? Who the hell you think you are?
53:13 Tom Segura? This is awesome. This is one of the greatest days ever. You will learn about me. You will fucking learn about me. Who the hell do you think you are? You will fucking learn about me.
53:21 Christina Pazsitzky? I like how the cops aren't stopping him.
53:23 Tom Segura? I'll get all your shit. Who the hell do you think you are?
53:25 Christina Pazsitzky? All they have to do is go, sir, fuck off, you know?
53:27 Tom Segura? Bitch, who the fuck you think you are? Let me get a good picture of your face and run you through facial rec.
53:31 Christina Pazsitzky? Aww.
53:32 Tom Segura? Run you through facial rec and get all your shit.
53:34 Christina Pazsitzky? Sweet.
53:36 Tom Segura? Yeah. That was just a nice kid.
53:37 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, he's like, God bless you.
53:39 Tom Segura? It's one of his classic threats. He says he's gonna, he's gonna run you through facial, facial rec. Uh huh. And he's gonna find all your, your information and he's gonna post you online and expose you. That's cool.
53:49 Christina Pazsitzky? So cool.
53:50 Tom Segura? It's pretty great. Please keep a close eye on this guy. Oh.
53:53 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, yeah.
53:54 Tom Segura? Um, also another angry guy, different scenario, though. Right there, fuck you. I just shot him in your mouth for a second, so we can just have a video without you screaming in the back.
54:03 Speaker 06 Thank you.
54:03 Tom Segura? Hey, suck my fucking dick.
54:06 Speaker 06 Hey, let's be respectful.
54:10 Speaker 06 Shut your fucking mouth.
54:11 Tom Segura? Hey, suck my fucking dick, you bitch. Fuck you, you bitch. You're those gators? You fucking bitch, fuck you. What is wrong with you? Fuck you, you bitch. Show me your titties.
54:23 Christina Pazsitzky? You dumb fucking bitch. I'm on a boat. What the fuck are you gonna do? I'm fucking free bitch. I'm free. You disrespecting me, you bitch. Yeah, fuck you. Shut the fuck up and look the other way, you bitch. What is going on? Fucking dumb bitch.
54:43 Christina Pazsitzky? Like, who's videoing? He's like, this guy's trying to video the croc and then, or whatever. I always get it makes sense. Yeah, bitch. Yeah, you dumb bitch.
54:55 Christina Pazsitzky? You know who the fuck you're talking to?
54:56 Tom Segura? Sharing a boat with this fucking guy?
54:58 Christina Pazsitzky? I would be so upset. Right now? You know who the fuck you're talking to right now?
55:06 Christina Pazsitzky? I'm done now.
55:09 Christina Pazsitzky? I'll leave the hostel. You think I'm gonna get disrespected? The hostel? Cause I wanna stay at some goddamn hostel from some dumb bitch?
55:17 Christina Pazsitzky? I'm the fucking king of this boat. I'm the biggest goddamn thing on this boat. I'll take all fucking nine of you bitches. Kind of believable. For that fucking dumb right there. Fuck you bitch.
55:28 Christina Pazsitzky? Who the fuck you think you goddamn talking to, you dumb bitch? I'm fucking king, you dumb bitch.
55:38 Christina Pazsitzky? Push him in the fucking gator, dude. Fuck you, you bitch. What do you do in that?
55:45 Tom Segura? I don't know.
55:45 Christina Pazsitzky? What do you fucking do? The guy's throwing beer cans at your head?
55:49 Tom Segura? The cool thing would be if somebody would hit him into the water.
55:51 Christina Pazsitzky? That'd be the best.
55:52 Tom Segura? That would be the, that would have been the sweetest moment of this video. Somebody just fucking hits him and then he goes off and then a gator comes in there like,
56:01 Christina Pazsitzky? Chomp him up.
56:02 Tom Segura? He's gone.
56:02 Christina Pazsitzky? Cause I, if, if reincarnation is real, I might go out that way, pushing this off a boat. Him falling, getting eaten by a gator. I might go to jail. I might kill myself in jail.
56:15 Tom Segura? Yeah.
56:16 Christina Pazsitzky? Whatever. It'd be worth it.
56:17 Tom Segura? It's fine.
56:18 Christina Pazsitzky? To do that guy in for being a bitch like this, scaring women and stuff?
56:22 Tom Segura? I mean, that's, I mean, that's, yeah, that's, and it looks like they're abroad somewhere, right?
56:26 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah. Yeah. Where is this? Like?
56:28 Tom Segura? Does it say where it is?
56:29 Christina Pazsitzky? Australia? No.
56:32 Tom Segura? No.
56:32 Speaker 06 Yeah, we don't have it, but not America.
56:35 Christina Pazsitzky? Definitely, yeah. Well.
56:37 Tom Segura? Yeah.
56:38 Christina Pazsitzky? It's cool how Americans act when they're abroad. It's always nice.
56:42 Speaker 06 Yeah, till they got tagged with Crazy American has breakdown.
56:47 Tom Segura? And there's nobody down there, actually. Does it, does the name him, does it actually, do they figure it out, you know? Somebody.
56:55 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, but it says Crazy American, so yeah, foreign. I just mean that his bio said Florida, so. Oh, yeah, right, yeah.
57:05 Tom Segura? Can scroll down, just see if anything else jumps out. Yeah, it's like, we know his name is John. Yeah, got it. Um, yeah, see? Push him though.
57:18 Christina Pazsitzky? It would be attempted murder, but it would be worth it.
57:23 Christina Pazsitzky? This infuriated me. Yeah, it sucks. Find him.
57:27 Tom Segura? Yeah.
57:31 Tom Segura? Hmm, yeah. I don't think it's that Nick guy, though.
57:37 Tom Segura? That's pretty wild, bro. That's really crazy. He really lost his shit. Very exciting. Um, all right, Jeans, time to go through what you've been pulling for us, so here. Here you go. Where is it?
57:55 Christina Pazsitzky? Jack.
57:56 Tom Segura? Ah, there we go.
58:03 Tom Segura? All right, so here's what you've been pulling, and hopefully it's gonna be a nice ride, right?
58:10 Christina Pazsitzky? That's all I know.
58:14 Tom Segura? That's fun. Those are fun.
58:17 Christina Pazsitzky? This is, this should have been in last week's episode, but Halloween.
58:23 Christina Pazsitzky? This is in Baltimore.
58:27 Christina Pazsitzky? It's a good prank.
58:42 Christina Pazsitzky? That's fun.
58:45 Christina Pazsitzky? For those listening, it's a guy in a Michael Myers mask pulling up next to people in traffic and then looking at them.
58:52 Tom Segura? That's really fun.
58:55 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, that guy's so high, he was looking.
58:59 Christina Pazsitzky? So funny, dude.
59:04 Tom Segura? That's great.
59:05 Christina Pazsitzky? That's so funny.
59:05 Tom Segura? That's really fun. That's pure, simple fun.
59:08 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, it's a good one.
59:08 Tom Segura? That's really good. And then he also has like the mega horn, like the horn blaster thing. So people are more scared.
59:16 Christina Pazsitzky? I might do this with the kids.
59:17 Tom Segura? That's fun.
59:18 Christina Pazsitzky? In the car.
59:18 Tom Segura? They would love that.
59:19 Christina Pazsitzky? They would love this prank.
59:21 Tom Segura? They wouldn't like it done to them, but they'd love to watch some of it.
59:23 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, I might do this. This is too fun. You know what's crazy? I outlived Ozzy. I outlived Hulk Hogan. I outlived Macho Man Randy Savage. I made you homeless, but I'm alive. I love life. That one actually made me happy.
59:43 Tom Segura? That's a really good perspective.
59:44 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
59:45 Tom Segura? Yeah. And he's probably done a lot of drugs.
59:46 Christina Pazsitzky? So many, look at his poor, poor little face.
59:49 Tom Segura? Yeah.
59:49 Christina Pazsitzky? But I like that he's out in the sunshine, riding his bicycle and...
59:52 Tom Segura? Yeah, and he said, "I might be homeless, but I'm still alive. I love life." It's pretty cool.
59:57 Christina Pazsitzky? Very life-affirming. I'm not usually like that, but...
59:59 Tom Segura? That's, yeah. Very strange departure for you, but yes, I like that one. Good, good job.
1:00:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Where's the next fucking one, Tom?
1:00:11 Tom Segura? I've been hanging out with this dude.
1:00:14 Tom Segura? For a little while. Didn't know he was fricking married, first of all.
1:00:24 Tom Segura? Man had been fooling around and shit.
1:00:34 Tom Segura? My pussy broke out in a fucking rash that looks fucking...
1:00:36 Christina Pazsitzky? Something serious, so I went to the fucking urgent care.
1:00:42 Christina Pazsitzky? Told them what was going on.
1:00:47 Christina Pazsitzky? So they made me pee in a cup, run some tests.
1:00:54 Christina Pazsitzky? I thought it was something serious. They run some tests on me and everything. It turns out it's just a bacteria infection. So they gave me some medicine. Everything's gonna be fine. Yeah, aren't you happy, fine? How's a happy ending?
1:01:06 Tom Segura? Fuck, Annie would you? My fucking god.
1:01:11 Christina Pazsitzky? On your most desperate, your darkest hour.
1:01:13 Tom Segura? Bro, you could, I'd rather, honestly, I'd be gay before this. Holy shit.
1:01:21 Christina Pazsitzky? Wow, that's a YMH exclusive. Where's the sound effects for that?
1:01:25 Tom Segura? Everything else after this.
1:01:27 Christina Pazsitzky? Wow. Honest. Cat's eating kibble, chips in a bowl.
1:01:35 Speaker 05 This is a YMH exclusive.
1:01:37 Christina Pazsitzky? I never.
1:01:40 Tom Segura? Annie's now gay.
1:01:43 Christina Pazsitzky? You heard it here first.
1:01:45 Tom Segura? Holy shit. So that's how bad this is. This is the worst thing you've ever seen in your life. Literally in my head, I was just thinking, who the fuck smashed this? Who? Who did that? There's no way, man. You gotta be blind. This is also too, I also, you know, I, I'm sorry, I just have to say this. There's young men out there, some even not so young, that are frustrated. I can't get laid, I can't get laid, I just wanna get, you can get laid. You can get laid. There's someone out there that'll fuck you. You, you're just not putting yourself in enough situations.
1:02:18 Christina Pazsitzky? It's a numbers game. But also remember last episode with Ryan, we were asking, who is having sex with the pudding guy?
1:02:25 Tom Segura? Yeah.
1:02:26 Christina Pazsitzky? I'm thinking the love match here.
1:02:29 Tom Segura? I think she might see the pudding guy and go like, ooh.
1:02:32 Christina Pazsitzky? I'm connecting some dots, yeah. Ew.
1:02:37 Tom Segura? You like that, baby?
1:02:39 Christina Pazsitzky? His dirty tongue.
1:02:43 Christina Pazsitzky? She would, though. She nasty as hell. She'd like that.
1:02:47 Tom Segura? Oh, man.
1:02:48 Christina Pazsitzky? It was, but it's just a bacterial infection. It's fine. You just take some drugs.
1:02:53 Tom Segura? We're all good now.
1:02:54 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, stupid.
1:02:56 Tom Segura? Hell, motherfucking, yeah.
1:03:00 Christina Pazsitzky? I just like those stupid.
1:03:03 Tom Segura? That was badass.
1:03:05 Christina Pazsitzky? That was kind of rad, right?
1:03:06 Tom Segura? That's a good roll. He did a good front roll. Yeah.
1:03:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, dude.
1:03:09 Tom Segura? He threw his shoulder down the way you're supposed to.
1:03:12 Christina Pazsitzky? That's a jujitsu.
1:03:12 Tom Segura? Yeah, and he didn't, you know, land on his head or neck. It was perfectly executed. Big man could do it right.
1:03:17 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, dude. This guy fucking crashes.
1:03:19 Tom Segura? He's kind of crazy enough. He kind of looks like her. All right, here's the next one.
1:03:23 Christina Pazsitzky? Hey, you guys know when you guys catch a cool little buzz and then you got the munchies for you about to eat some food? I'm about to eat some food right now. I caught a cool little buzz, you know? Yeah. We better call it a night. I fucking love her so much. I miss LA.
1:03:37 Tom Segura? For you, I want you obsessed with me.
1:03:43 Christina Pazsitzky? I love her. I miss LA just for this.
1:03:45 Tom Segura? So great.
1:03:46 Christina Pazsitzky? I fucking love Cholas, dude. Fool.
1:03:53 Christina Pazsitzky? I forgot about this guy.
1:03:55 Tom Segura? It's crazy because this is who people should fear the most, you know?
1:03:59 Christina Pazsitzky? Easily.
1:04:01 Tom Segura? We still haven't had a blink yet, by the way.
1:04:04 Christina Pazsitzky? Or a purpose to the talk.
1:04:05 Tom Segura? That was 15 seconds, no blink, just dolls that had the same expression that he has.
1:04:10 Christina Pazsitzky? Don't you think that the FBI should just go through TikTok and find these accounts?
1:04:17 Tom Segura? You don't think they're aware of him?
1:04:18 Christina Pazsitzky? Straight in.
1:04:19 Tom Segura? I'm sure they have a whole fucking file on this guy.
1:04:21 Christina Pazsitzky? I would hope so. Just bang the door down. Just find the bodies. Find the bodies. Find the bodies. Yeah.
1:04:29 Tom Segura? Yeah.
1:04:30 Christina Pazsitzky? He's got women that look like that in his house.
1:04:32 Tom Segura? Oh, yeah.
1:04:33 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
1:04:42 Christina Pazsitzky? Can you imagine the breath on that mouth? We've been married 13 years.
1:04:49 Christina Pazsitzky? In two and a half months, I want to be 100 years old.
1:04:54 Tom Segura? She's loving life.
1:04:55 Christina Pazsitzky? I've never seen a more beautiful woman in my life than this one.
1:05:01 Christina Pazsitzky? I never walked up to a strange woman in my life. Sure. And I was backstage at the Emmys, I guess, SAG Awards, just waiting to go on. She walked by without even thinking. I jumped up and said, hi, I'm Dick. And I found out she was a makeup lady, hired her.
1:05:20 Tom Segura? And now we've been married 13 years and I couldn't be happier. Happy birthday sweetheart.
1:05:25 Christina Pazsitzky? Thank you. Thank you for coming to my birthday party. They brought me a cake.
1:05:35 Christina Pazsitzky? You wanna sing happy birthday to me again?
1:05:37 Tom Segura? Happy birthday. Okay, so.
1:05:39 Christina Pazsitzky? Thank you for coming to my birthday party. You're married, dummy.
1:05:43 Tom Segura? I know.
1:05:43 Christina Pazsitzky? You don't think he's gonna come to your birthday party?
1:05:45 Tom Segura? So that means they met when he was 86.
1:05:49 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
1:05:50 Tom Segura? And she was 41, right? So imagine you basically meeting an 86 year old. Who's like, hello.
1:06:00 Tom Segura? Hey, I noticed your lipstick.
1:06:03 Christina Pazsitzky? And that's why she, but she was going, how old are you? 80 what?
1:06:07 Tom Segura? Well, she also didn't have to go, how old are you? She looked at him, she was like, oh, here's a guy on death's door.
1:06:11 Christina Pazsitzky? Of course.
1:06:12 Tom Segura? He's 86.
1:06:13 Christina Pazsitzky? Of course. And she's like, oh dude, I have to put in maybe a handful of Bee Gees, BJ's.
1:06:18 Tom Segura? Yeah.
1:06:19 Christina Pazsitzky? He's gonna be out of here in no time.
1:06:21 Tom Segura? He's got tops, she was probably thinking like two years.
1:06:24 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah dude.
1:06:25 Tom Segura? You know?
1:06:25 Christina Pazsitzky? And now look.
1:06:26 Tom Segura? And he's like, nah, I turned 100. She's like, that's great. Are you happy you're here at the party? Do you want to sing again? Ah. I'm birthday to you.
1:06:43 Christina Pazsitzky? This poor woman.
1:06:44 Tom Segura? Holy fuck.
1:06:45 Christina Pazsitzky? She's putting in time. Who's uncle at the top and auntie at the bottom is this?
1:06:53 Christina Pazsitzky? Bitch, shit, god damn, donkey con booty.
1:06:58 Christina Pazsitzky? You like that one? That was great.
1:07:00 Tom Segura? Who's uncle at the top and auntie on the bottom is this? That's crazy, bro. This is a message for the FBI. Okay. I am no longer at my house. I am no longer occupying my domicile. You will not find me. I am loose. I have all my devices with me. Good to know. Good to know.
1:07:18 Christina Pazsitzky? But like, I mean, I guess if the FBI is checking your TikTok account, that works.
1:07:24 Tom Segura? Yeah, if the FBI is like, hey, we see what Chuck's up to today.
1:07:27 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah.
1:07:27 Tom Segura? And someone's like, he's not home anymore. And he's got all these devices.
1:07:31 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, but just Chuck, just so you know, I reposted this as a story on my Instagram.
1:07:36 Tom Segura? And you tagged the FBI, right?
1:07:38 Christina Pazsitzky? Of course. Yeah, of course. That's who I want on me is the FBI.
1:07:42 Tom Segura? Feds, check them out.
1:07:43 Christina Pazsitzky? That's who I want.
1:07:44 Tom Segura? Here we go. Here you go.
1:07:46 Speaker 04 What made you think that was a good shirt to wear to court this morning?
1:07:51 Speaker 04 That's all you could find. That's all the only shirt you had in your closet. World's best farter. That's great.
1:07:59 Speaker 04 No, it says, I can read it. I see what it says at the bottom. You're in felony court. You need to dress appropriately to felony court, and that's not appropriate.
1:08:11 Christina Pazsitzky? No, no, I saw what it says. It says, I mean, father.
1:08:13 Tom Segura? There's also like a direct correlation between how you end up in felony court and what you think you should wear to court, you know? Like, there's a reason you're there, and you're probably like, what?
1:08:27 Christina Pazsitzky? Yeah, there's a disconnect in logic.
1:08:29 Tom Segura? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was just, I mean, shit, I don't know. Like, really? You never stopped for a blink of an eye in the mirror? Thought you'd wear your fart shirt to fucking felony court? All right, cool, man.
1:08:45 Christina Pazsitzky? Could you imagine? Isn't there a law against that?
1:08:49 Tom Segura? No.
1:08:49 Christina Pazsitzky? Like, showing up disrespectfully in front of a judge?
1:08:52 Tom Segura? It's not a law.
1:08:53 Christina Pazsitzky? You should be penalized for not dressing appropriately in court.
1:08:56 Tom Segura? You get penalized by the judge's discretion. So the judge feels like it is a complete insult to her and her court, so she's gonna dress him down, which is what she's doing. This reminds me of the guy, remember the guy who was like, oh, sorry, you're on? He was doing the video one?
1:09:12 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, yeah.
1:09:13 Tom Segura? And he was like, hey, um, you have a, like, a failure to appear, and you have a revoked license. Are you driving right now? And the guy's like, pfft. I just parked. He's like, yeah, you can't drive. He's like, oh. You see his like, his shoulders drop? He's like, shit. He just forgot. He forgot.
1:09:31 Christina Pazsitzky? He forgot. It can happen. You get convicted of a thing and then you forget your conviction.
1:09:35 Tom Segura? I don't think it was felony court, but this is wild. This dude might be, you know, this could be a serious crime.
1:09:42 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh, for sure.
1:09:42 Tom Segura? I wear my fart shirt. Stand before the judge today.
1:09:47 Christina Pazsitzky? Well, I think they should fine you for showing up in court like this. And they should fine you on airplanes for showing up in your fucking pajamas.
1:09:54 Tom Segura? What kind of fines you talking about?
1:09:56 Christina Pazsitzky? Something small, hundred bucks. If you show up in your fucking pajamas and, and slip slips. You should, you either gotta go home and change and wear normal clothes or you pay a hundred dollars. Get the fuck out of here.
1:10:08 Tom Segura? It's really crazy.
1:10:09 Christina Pazsitzky? You can put on pants, dude. You don't need to wear a bikini on the fucking plane.
1:10:14 Tom Segura? This was fun, but we gotta wrap. We gotta pass it out. We still have a full day.
1:10:19 Christina Pazsitzky? I know.
1:10:20 Tom Segura? This was a lot of fun.
1:10:21 Christina Pazsitzky? I love you and I don't love your glasses. I wish you would choose different frames so I can go back to wearing mine that are identical.
1:10:27 Tom Segura? You got cool Neil Brennans on today.
1:10:28 Christina Pazsitzky? These are not, don't fuck, see, this is the problem. I want my old glasses back. It's my look and you stole it. It's my look. Everybody knows I wore those before you did. And I can't find a pair that I like as much.
1:10:44 Tom Segura? Just have to deal with it, bro. Shout out to Diabetes Barbie and thank you all for.
1:10:51 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh my God, that was synergy. We both did it at the same time.
1:10:54 Tom Segura? Beautiful moment. It was a beautiful moment. And yeah, we'll see you out there soon. What is this? This comes out?
1:11:01 Christina Pazsitzky? November 15th.
1:11:03 Tom Segura? In a few days, in a week, I'll be shooting my Netflix special. If you're in the Milwaukee area.
1:11:09 Christina Pazsitzky? Oh my God.
1:11:10 Tom Segura? The Saturday shows are sold out, but I think there's still tickets for the Friday show. If you want to come.
1:11:14 Christina Pazsitzky? And Milk Donkey.
1:11:15 Tom Segura? It's Milk Donkey and it's gonna be on Netflix.
1:11:18 Christina Pazsitzky? Netflix.
1:11:19 Tom Segura? All right.
1:11:19 Christina Pazsitzky? Bye, Mike Lipstick. I love you. Bye.
1:11:21 Tom Segura? See you next time.
1:11:41 Speaker 04 Vocal Fry.
1:11:50 Speaker 04 Vocal Fry.
1:12:00 Speaker 04 Vocal Fry.
1:12:10 Speaker 04 Vocal Fry. Vocal Fry is everywhere.
1:12:21 Speaker 04 Vocal Fry is everywhere.
1:12:26 Speaker 04 Speech pathologists call it a disorder.
1:12:32 Speaker 04 Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder.
1:12:42 Speaker 04 Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder.
1:13:41 Speaker 02 off groceries at checkout or save at the pump. You can even save up to $35 on your next fill-up. Same points, more choices. And with low prices on fresh, quality food, plus digital and personalized offers tailored to how you shop, your dollar goes further. Redeem your points online or in the app. Kroger. Fresh for everyone. Restrictions apply. See site or store for details.
Previous A Hamburglar Halloween w/ Ryan Sickler | Your Mom's House Ep. 834 Next FedSmoker Jr Strikes Again! | Your Mom's House Ep. 836 Page updated November 1, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated