A Hamburglar Halloween w/ Ryan Sickler | Your Mom's House Ep. 834

Tom will be filming his new stand-up special in Milwaukee at The Riverside Theater on November 14th & 15th! Tickets are still available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show. Go get your tickets now at https://tomsegura.com/tour. SPONSORS: - Head to https://Mood.com and use code YOURMOM to find the functional gummy that matches exactly what you're looking for, and let Mood help you discover YOUR perfect mood. - Get organized, refreshed, and ready for the holidays for way less. Head to https://Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/YMH. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Happy Hallow Jeans! Welcome to a very spooky and very fashionable episode of Your Mom’s House! 🎃 This week, Tom Segura and Christina P get into the Halloween spirit—well, Christina does—by showing up as Karl Lagerfeld, complete with fingerless gloves and antisocial energy, while Tom is dressed as a Tom Segura who totally forgets his costume. The jeans dive into Karl’s insane quotes, fashion snobbery, and hatred of sweatpants, before somehow landing on Florida’s trashiest white people, Santa-denying parents, and why Jewish holidays can’t compete with Christmas. Then, the Hamburglar aka Ryan Sickler joins the show to talk about his new stand-up special Live and Alive, why his brow lift left him without a Halloween costume, and how bullying might actually build character. Plus, the Main Mommies also show Ryan some horrible or hilarious clips and everything insane they've been watching this week. ROBBLE ROBBLE! Your Mom’s House Ep. 834 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:57 - Opening Clip: Ryan Needs Some Action 00:06:28 - Halloween On Christmas 00:14:14 - Florida Trash 00:22:50 - Fart Eyes Responds 00:25:40 - Some Gay Stuff 00:34:37 - Clip: Exploding Horny Dude 00:37:48 - Bert 00:40:59 - The Hamburglar Roasts Karl Lagerfeld 00:47:17 - Pudding Unc 00:54:08 - Clip: One Eyed Lady 00:56:12 - Clip: Picky Eater 01:02:09 - Sickler's New Special 01:07:28 - Horrible Or Hilarious 01:22:31 - I'm Ryan 01:27:07 - Cafe Bich Nga 01:30:22 - Lars Van Trier Loves H Dog 01:32:18 - Austin's Poop Problem 01:41:38 - Clip: Earl Changes 01:47:19 - Closing Song - "Fuk Me Tonite" by Matt Mercer Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Segura?

  Hey everyone, I'm filming my new stand-up special in Milwaukee at the Riverside Theater on November 14th and 15th. Tickets are available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show only. Get your tickets now at tomscara.com/tour.

• 0:25Tom Segura?

  Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker, or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, Cigars International has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time, when you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any turkey day-induced stress. As the industry leader, Cigars International enhances these moments with unbeatable deals so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got free everyday shipping, no codes, no minimums. You just buy the cigars and they show up, that's it. With Cigars International's unbeatable deals and discounts, there's no better time

• 1:07Tom Segura?

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• 1:26Speaker 01

  Ready in kamesh.

• 1:28Speaker 02

  Ein, zwei, drei, vier.

• 1:30Tom Segura?

  All right, welcome to a very spooky episode of Your Mom's House. I forgot that today was a thing, but someone else didn't.

• 1:46Speaker 02

  What are you laughing at? You're very fat.

• 1:49Tom Segura?

  Cool.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  How dare you laugh at me and your obesity. I don't mean to. I'm in character. Just know that I really think you're fat. I'm a car liar.

• 1:57Tom Segura?

  I understand. So

• 1:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 2:01Tom Segura?

  Sitting here today with me is a legend in the world of fashion.

• 2:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you, Tom, for acknowledging my brilliance.

• 2:08Tom Segura?

  A kind of an asexual fashion god.

• 2:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you. I am. I wouldn't say I'm a homosexual, but yeah, I did not have relations. Otherwise, I would have died of AIDS.

• 2:23Tom Segura?

  Right, because of the gays.

• 2:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 2:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't have AIDS, Tom.

• 2:27Tom Segura?

  You really, I mean, you went all out. This is this you nailed it.

• 2:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you. I got the the fingerless gloves, which were surprisingly, you can find this all on Karl Lagerfeld dot com, and he sells the tie.

• 2:40Tom Segura?

  I was gonna say, did you? Did you just get like a Mozart wig?

• 2:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, this is from Amazon.

• 2:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, yeah, the hairline is not perfect, but you know.

• 2:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And you got the tie from his site?

• 2:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he sells them like, well, he not him, he's dead.

• 2:55Tom Segura?

  Super dead now.

• 2:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can buy the oversized thing, and this is from his website, as are the the sparkly gloves. And I know you're interested. There is the TV show. I got inspired by him.

• 3:05Tom Segura?

  He also, he rarely smiled, right? Wasn't he always?

• 3:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he was. They called him Kaiser Karl because he was just very into work. And he lives in a very sterile environment, and he's just fully about fashion and the importance of fashion. And that's it. That is all. What happened to you, Tom? You're very lazy. You did not have a costume. Why did you not?

• 3:32Tom Segura?

  I honestly totally forgot.

• 3:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  You forgot?

• 3:34Tom Segura?

  I forgot to.

• 3:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Vergessen? Hast du vergessen? I don't even know how to say that shit anymore.

• 3:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 3:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  He hated, I think he hated Jews, right? He was like antisemitic.

• 3:46Tom Segura?

  I don't know. That's quite an accusation.

• 3:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Anti fat.

• 3:48Tom Segura?

  For someone to say, go right, like, like, you're not sure. You're just gonna label someone.

• 3:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think he was. He was saying crazy stuff.

• 3:55Tom Segura?

  So that we could apologize if it's not true.

• 3:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  To who? He's dead.

• 3:58Tom Segura?

  Well, I'm just saying it's you don't want someone's legacy to be that if it's not.

• 4:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  They all know. He was very polaroiding. He was a very polarizing guy.

• 4:06Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 4:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  He made a lot of really cool comments.

• 4:09Tom Segura?

  Hold on, let's, let's, okay. He was condemned in. Making comments 2017 that were described as anti-Semitic and Islamophobic. It's good when you get, when you hit all the fucking marks. It was made during a televised rant against German Chancellor Angela Merkel's immigration policy. Here's what he said. "One cannot, even if there are decades between them, kill millions of Jews so you can bring millions of their worst enemies in their place."

• 4:35Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 4:35Tom Segura?

  Okay. He also recounted a fabricated story. "I know someone in Germany who took a young Syrian and after four days said the greatest thing Germany invented was the Holocaust."

• 4:45Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 4:45Tom Segura?

  That's pretty aggro.

• 4:47Speaker 02

  I didn't read that one before I bought the costume. Sorry, guys.

• 4:50Tom Segura?

  His statements were immediately condemned by German media, French anti-racism groups, and Jewish organizations. They quickly claimed...

• 4:57Speaker 02

  Tom, please.

• 4:59Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  What, you cannot even say what's in your heart anymore? You can't make a joke?

• 5:04Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah, or just...

• 5:05Speaker 02

  What is wrong with you?

• 5:07Tom Segura?

  You can't have opinions?

• 5:08Speaker 02

  You can't just say?

• 5:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  This is a free country.

• 5:11Tom Segura?

  Anyway, what's up with your new collection?

• 5:17Speaker 02

  I've been drawing very ferociously. I've been selling these lipsticks. I've been selling them on my website, christinap.com. All kinds of new colors since the fall. And I'm very inspired. There they are. I just did a new photo shoot with some very skinny, thin, beautiful models.

• 5:34Tom Segura?

  None of them are fat.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  Nobody is fat.

• 5:36Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 5:38Speaker 05

  Bitch, you fat. Deal with it.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Deal with it.

• 5:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:42Speaker 02

  There we go. That's one I'm up to.

• 5:43Tom Segura?

  Nice.

• 5:44Speaker 02

  I haven't seen...

• 5:44Speaker 06

  You gotta be fucking retarded as fuck to not lose weight.

• 5:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's true.

• 5:51Tom Segura?

  It's true.

• 5:51Speaker 02

  Speaking of, oh, should we get into the update that I had for you? I don't want to get into it too early into the show.

• 5:58Tom Segura?

  Okay, well, here, let's, um, let's open the show. Let's open it.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:00Tom Segura?

  You ready?

• 6:01Speaker 02

  I'm ready, man.

• 6:01Tom Segura?

  Let's fucking go, buddy. Let's go. Happy Hallowjeans.

• 6:04Speaker 02

  Happy Hallowjeans.

• 6:47Speaker 07

  Feel the beat, feel the beat. Let it sing in your heart. Make it yours. You can make this song part of your soul.

• 7:11Tom Segura?

  Omron.

• 7:13Speaker 08

  You can fucking try me, fatso.

• 7:15Tom Segura?

  Um.

• 7:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Omron.

• 7:18Tom Segura?

  Omron.

• 7:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, the problem is he needs to channel this energy into work.

• 7:23Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 7:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Our bite.

• 7:24Tom Segura?

  Yes, yes.

• 7:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Makes you free.

• 7:26Tom Segura?

  That's true. Okay, so, um, what's, what's the word, Carl Lagerfeld? Are you excited for, um, you know, the Halloween, walking around, getting candy? Are you a fan of that?

• 7:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't eat much candy, no. But I'm on a specific diet to fit into Dior's size six. I eat, uh, specific things. But not like you, I can tell you eat all the candies.

• 7:53Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 7:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just gobble them up.

• 7:56Tom Segura?

  Gobble, gobble, gobble.

• 7:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  And steals them from the children. I, um.

• 8:03Tom Segura?

  So retarded.

• 8:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  So stupid. So I took our kids to the dentist a little while ago and they're like, "Hey, you can bring back your Halloween candy and exchange it for toys. We have a program where you can exchange the candy for toys." I was like, "What kind of fucking satanic, demonic, anti-Christian, anti-American communist shit is that? Can you even imagine?"

• 8:27Tom Segura?

  Turn your candy in. Your Halloween candy.

• 8:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your hard-earned candy you went door to door for.

• 8:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's once a year, too. It's not like you're doing it every week.

• 8:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I mean, how square of a parent do you have to be?

• 8:38Tom Segura?

  No candy.

• 8:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not even, not even on the holiday.

• 8:42Tom Segura?

  No candy for you.

• 8:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  That sucks.

• 8:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's a mega bummer.

• 8:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  We know people that would.

• 8:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 8:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know.

• 8:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we know them quite well.

• 8:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  No fun.

• 8:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they're in the no fun zone.

• 8:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  No fun zone.

• 8:55Tom Segura?

  Got 13 more bites.

• 9:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wowzer. That was on or like, yeah, like it's vacation.

• 9:06Tom Segura?

  More bites. Of healthy stuff. Nine?

• 9:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, counting the bites and then.

• 9:13Tom Segura?

  Jesus.

• 9:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I feel like if you make a big deal out of it, look, I have a, I have a relative.

• 9:20Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 9:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who was denied all the sweets growing up and then what happened? She grew up and she got.

• 9:26Tom Segura?

  You know.

• 9:27Speaker 07

  Where to find a big old bitch?

• 9:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 9:29Tom Segura?

  Fatty now.

• 9:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  She turned into a hoss. Cause the minute she could buy her own groceries, she was making all the wrong choices.

• 9:35Tom Segura?

  You can't restrict too much.

• 9:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's a holiday, you fucking animals. And then there are people, there are parents who don't do Santa Claus.

• 9:47Tom Segura?

  That's fucking so sad. That was actually more sad. Cause you know that all the other kids are like.

• 9:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah. Yeah.

• 9:56Tom Segura?

  The wonder that you see the true wonder and innocence of their like. A magic man is coming down. And then there's a kid whose parents are like, no, that's not happening. Shit's not real.

• 10:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not real, guys. I don't want to lie to my children.

• 10:10Tom Segura?

  It's not, it's not happening and there's nothing, no one's coming.

• 10:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no magic in the world, children.

• 10:14Tom Segura?

  Cookies out, no one's gonna fucking eat them.

• 10:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, there's no magic, there's no joy, there's nothing special. And you know what they say, they, this parents, they go, yeah, but I don't want to lie to my kids and they're going to be disappointed. I'm like, if your kids haven't figured out that you lie to them about stuff by now, they're fucking stupid.

• 10:30Tom Segura?

  Lie to them about a cool surprise?

• 10:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:32Tom Segura?

  Like you're not lying to them to hurt them.

• 10:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I lie to our kids all the time and now they know it. And they're like, you're lying to me? I'm like, no.

• 10:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 10:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then I'm like, I'm sorry, I totally lied to you just now.

• 10:42Tom Segura?

  But that's a good one.

• 10:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lie to kids.

• 10:44Tom Segura?

  It's a good one.

• 10:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's called fun lies, fun surprise lies. Like you like to surprise me and you always lie to me and you're a good actor and it's kind of scary. Cause I wonder what other things you're lying about.

• 10:54Tom Segura?

  Cool.

• 10:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  How many families you have in other towns?

• 10:59Tom Segura?

  So, um, yeah. Do you know that, um?

• 11:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know?

• 11:04Tom Segura?

  That we played this video. But, but also just to park at this, denying a child Christmas is the greatest crime of all.

• 11:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think so.

• 11:14Tom Segura?

  Even if you're, you don't have to be Christian to do it. You realize this is a cultural holiday. It's not about, you know, they'll tell you, oh, it's the birth. No one gives a, come on.

• 11:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  No one gives a shit about that.

• 11:26Tom Segura?

  No. It's about having, it's about blowing a kid's mind.

• 11:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:30Tom Segura?

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• 12:14Tom Segura?

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• 12:36Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 13:04Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 13:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Did you some Jays do Santa?

• 14:00Speaker 01

  My family did. Thank God.

• 14:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's a good Jay.

• 14:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  But that's why you turned out so adjusted.

• 14:06Tom Segura?

  And that's why you work here, man. You understand that Christmas is...

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Hanukkah doesn't have shit on Christmas.

• 14:11Tom Segura?

  No.

• 14:12Speaker 01

  Not.

• 14:12Tom Segura?

  Everybody knows that.

• 14:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, because you get like one crappy gift a day.

• 14:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 14:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  But they're like crummy gifts, right? They're not like blowing your mind gifts.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, it's a whole different thing. It's not cool.

• 14:27Tom Segura?

  Hey, here's a collection of like different interest rates from around the world. Okay, cool.

• 14:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  They do kind of live up to those stereotypes. They give away the gold chocolate coins, right? You get gelt.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gelt. Gelt.

• 14:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. No, it's not this. Christmas rules.

• 14:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Christmas rules.

• 14:45Tom Segura?

  For a kid, Christmas rules.

• 14:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everything.

• 14:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 14:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking, it's so good, dude. Oh, yeah. That's, I mean, look, I like getting a... I got you a little gift today.

• 14:56Speaker 05

  Do you wanna light the candle? Joshua? Joshua, you wanna coin? Amanda brought you some gelt.

• 15:07Speaker 05

  Don't eat it all, not at once. You're gonna burn your mouth on this soup.

• 15:13Tom Segura?

  Oh my God, I sat next to this Jew broad by the pool.

• 15:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 15:17Tom Segura?

  And she was like, I, she was on the phone. She goes,

• 15:21Speaker 05

  I had to give him a hundred thousand dollars.

• 15:25Tom Segura?

  And I'm sitting there like, what the fuck lady? Like, we're just relaxing by the pool. She goes, can you believe it? I'd be homeless right now. I'd be homeless. He made, I didn't know he made fourteen million dollars in twenty eighteen. Who knows what he did to make that? Is it even legal? And I was like, lady, we're fucking relaxing by the pool. Then you get in the pool and the guys were going back and forth about millions being stored here. It was all money talk. It was so bizarre.

• 15:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's almost like the stereotype was true. Yeah.

• 16:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know?

• 16:00Tom Segura?

  Maybe it's coming out because Carl's here.

• 16:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe it is. I'm not sure. But I grew up in San Fernando Valley, very Jay heavy. Meant to many bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs growing up. I'm a friend of the Jays. I'm a friend of the Muslims. But man, that money chat, we were in Florida. We took a little holiday. Mommy needed to clear her head. And, uh, man, it really was. They were talking about money. Every fucking conversation.

• 16:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah. What's up with that, Josh?

• 16:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. What is, is that true? You guys just talk about money all day long?

• 16:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, I think about it all day long too. Like, it's just kinda in you.

• 16:36Tom Segura?

  It's just kinda in you.

• 16:37Speaker 09

  I've never seen somebody more afraid to gamble in my life.

• 16:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 16:41Speaker 01

  It's not fun. It's not fun.

• 16:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I agree with you.

• 16:44Speaker 09

  It's stupid. Like, I'm just gonna lose money.

• 16:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is stupid. I agree.

• 16:48Tom Segura?

  Like a very, you know?

• 16:49Speaker 09

  I'm not saying he's not smart.

• 16:50Tom Segura?

  Right, right. That's a.

• 16:52Speaker 09

  He's educated about it.

• 16:53Tom Segura?

  That's an evolved kind of stance. Like, why would I play with this money of mine?

• 16:56Speaker 01

  It hurts so much more for me to lose it than it does like any joy from winning it.

• 17:02Tom Segura?

  What's the, what's the biggest gamble you've ever taken like in that world?

• 17:07Speaker 01

  I did like 200 bucks on craps the other day at a casino and I lost it and it was shit, it just sucked.

• 17:13Tom Segura?

  Just ruined your night.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was a bummer.

• 17:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you do when you lose the money?

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Just cry.

• 17:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you put on a hair shirt?

• 17:22Tom Segura?

  Annie's got the right answer.

• 17:23Speaker 09

  Mm-hmm.

• 17:23Tom Segura?

  You go to the ATM.

• 17:24Speaker 09

  Right to the ATM.

• 17:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what you Christians do.

• 17:28Speaker 09

  And they tell you, oh, your fucking limit today is too mu- no, no, no, no. Then you call the bank, you get more, it'll work. And then you win it back.

• 17:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you go.

• 17:36Tom Segura?

  And you always win it back. That's what people don't know. You always win it back.

• 17:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Absolutely. The gambler always wins. Isn't that the same?

• 17:42Tom Segura?

  That's the expression.

• 17:43Speaker 09

  It's the minute that you quit that you would have won.

• 17:45Tom Segura?

  That's how you lose.

• 17:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Never give up, loser. That's what they tell you.

• 17:49Speaker 10

  You're always about to hit big.

• 17:50Tom Segura?

  You know what they tell you too when you play blackjack? Uh, the, um, when you reduce your bet, that's what they go, oh, so you want blackjack? Meaning like, you take your bet down, that's when you're gonna hit it big. So you gotta keep pushing.

• 18:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Keep pushing.

• 18:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 18:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, bet big.

• 18:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you're like, bick nyah, please.

• 18:11Tom Segura?

  Big, bick nyah, bick nyah.

• 18:18Tom Segura?

  I see what you're doing.

• 18:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bick nyah.

• 18:21Tom Segura?

  Is that in here? Do I have bick nyah?

• 18:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please.

• 18:23Tom Segura?

  I don't think I have it in here. Rap, rap, rap.

• 18:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  So close.

• 18:29Tom Segura?

  Bick nyah. Yeah.

• 18:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Huh. Well, I didn't know that. I didn't know that they really did talk about money all the time.

• 18:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

• 18:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's crazy, dude.

• 18:39Tom Segura?

  A lot of people talk about money, though.

• 18:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  But they're cool. You know, it's cool. It's good. But I did, I did, uh, there was a white guy who looked like, just like a white guy. But he was talking with like a Latin accent. And to you, I was like, what, what's going on? And you go, babe, babe, it's Florida.

• 18:57Tom Segura?

  This is Florida.

• 18:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is Florida. They're just, and I think what's special about Florida is that they have the best garbage white.

• 19:05Tom Segura?

  The garbiest, trashiest whites in America live in Florida.

• 19:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  The garbiest.

• 19:10Tom Segura?

  We're talking about non-J whites.

• 19:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 19:12Tom Segura?

  These are just like Gentile trash humans. And they do congregate in the state of Florida. And there's theories as to why. Yeah. Well, okay, warm weather is always going to attract.

• 19:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 19:29Tom Segura?

  Somebody that's like, well, where's it gonna be easier to live?

• 19:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Vegas attracts.

• 19:34Tom Segura?

  Warm weather.

• 19:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 19:35Tom Segura?

  Arizona, trash bags.

• 19:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Trash bags, garbage.

• 19:38Tom Segura?

  Florida, massive trash bags.

• 19:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 19:41Tom Segura?

  So you got warm weather, and so they're like, alright, it'll be nice, even if I can't have a nice place, it'll be nice outside.

• 19:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  True.

• 19:48Tom Segura?

  Right? No state income tax always draws in.

• 19:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Same, same with Arizona.

• 19:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, Texas.

• 19:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nevada, Texas.

• 19:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, what, uh, was it Montana? No, Washington, um, Tennessee, Maine.

• 20:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  But still, I feel like Florida has the garbageiest whites.

• 20:05Tom Segura?

  Right, so it's like, but I'm saying it's another thing, it's like, it's warm out.

• 20:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, check.

• 20:08Tom Segura?

  No state income tax.

• 20:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fireworks are legal.

• 20:11Tom Segura?

  Fireworks, easier to get guns, stand your ground, which is a law that's basically like, that black guy is making me uncomfortable, can I kill him? That's what stand your ground basically is, they're like, what happened? This black guy walked up, and I was like, you're black, and so I shot him. And then they're like, oh, that makes sense.

• 20:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that true?

• 20:34Tom Segura?

  I mean, I'm obviously, you know, exaggerating, but the stand your ground law.

• 20:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 20:39Tom Segura?

  Since it has been, um, had been enacted and been a law there, it's, there's a disproportionate amount of black people dying.

• 20:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, jeez.

• 20:47Tom Segura?

  And the defense is stand your ground.

• 20:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Great, great.

• 20:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's like, you can use deadly force if you feel like your life is in danger, and, um, yeah, this def, it's definitely.

• 20:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you said that's here in Texas, too?

• 21:00Tom Segura?

  Stand your ground's in Florida, I don't know if it's in Texas, it's definitely in Florida.

• 21:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause I was at the, um, I was at the sporting goods store with Julian. Looking for binoculars to look at UFOs. And we were looking at the guns because our kids love guns. And, um, and I was like, hey, can I just buy a gun?

• 21:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we don't have stand your ground, by the way. That's not here.

• 21:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay. I go to the guy, I'm like, can I just like buy one of these? He's like, yeah, you gotta pass the background check. That'll take like a day or something like that. And then that's it. I just walk out and he's like, well, it would help to take a class or something, just to know the laws.

• 21:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was like, that's it?

• 21:37Tom Segura?

  Like, yeah.

• 21:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Suggestion?

• 21:40Speaker 09

  Bro, when I, when I first got here, it took a week. I went to a pawn shop and I didn't, I barely showed him my ID. And I got a gun. I didn't, there was no date weight. It was just ID.

• 21:50Tom Segura?

  I, I went to a gun store.

• 21:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a gun.

• 21:53Tom Segura?

  I bought a gun where I was like, I was asking the same questions, like, how long is this gonna take? And they're like, well, do you have your ID? And I'll go, yeah. And they go, okay, so let me go through here. And he goes, you know, technically I can get back to you in like 24 hours. He's like, but hold on a second. And he just like, da, da, da. He goes, you're approved. You can get it. He just gave it to me right there.

• 22:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're Tom Sager.

• 22:17Tom Segura?

  He was like, I go right now?

• 22:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  You make me laugh.

• 22:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 22:20Tom Segura?

  So there was no wait.

• 22:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  No wait.

• 22:21Tom Segura?

  He's like, yeah, it went through the system. You're fine.

• 22:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wild. And you can carry. You can just carry.

• 22:27Tom Segura?

  You can open carry without anything, or you can take a test online that takes about, I don't know, eight minutes. You can get a concealed carry permit. Yeah. Yeah.

• 22:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so crazy.

• 22:39Tom Segura?

  There's a lot of guns in this state. A lot.

• 22:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  A lot, but I will say, for some reason, I mean, you don't see people being shot dead all the time in the streets.

• 22:48Tom Segura?

  I mean, no, not, I mean, it happens, but I, it's not like a regular daily thing here. No.

• 22:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it works as a deterrent. Yeah. Cause you don't.

• 22:56Tom Segura?

  Broke through on something here. Everybody should have guns.

• 23:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody should have guns. Go buy yourself a gun.

• 23:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you imagine listening to this in the UK? Where they're like, it's not even possible.

• 23:09Tom Segura?

  There's a lot of people around the world that have a hard time grasping our guns.

• 23:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, yeah, Europe is like, why? Why do you need it?

• 23:16Tom Segura?

  I get it too. I get like the, the perspective on it being like, what the fuck? Everyone has guns? But then the other thing is like, you don't understand how ingrained that is in the society here. It's hard to like really grasp that. It's a big thing. People, you know, people really are adamant that they want their guns. It's, it's never gonna be like, oh, we're taking, you know, your gun. People sometimes go like, they're gonna take our guns. Like, no, they're not. That's, that's never gonna happen.

• 23:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not in America.

• 23:42Tom Segura?

  That would be, that would be the biggest bloodbath ever.

• 23:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 23:47Tom Segura?

  It's not happening.

• 23:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so, yeah, no, it's not gonna happen. This shit ain't happening, man.

• 23:51Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm. All right. So this is what I want to show you. A few weeks ago, I had shown you, I think, this guy.

• 23:56Speaker 11

  The thing about fighting me is that you're not gonna beat my ass. You're not gonna beat my ass. You're not gonna be, I'm gonna beat your pussy, you're gonna beat this pussy, I'm gonna beat your pussy ass up.

• 24:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 24:08Tom Segura?

  Okay. And I guess, I don't remember exactly, I guess I commented that I would beat the fuck out of this guy.

• 24:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 24:17Tom Segura?

  I was like, I'll beat your fucking ass.

• 24:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wouldn't have done that.

• 24:19Tom Segura?

  I, I think that's what I said. And anyways, it got back to him. It got back to him.

• 24:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn.

• 24:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah. So hold on to your seat, Carl.

• 24:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 24:30Speaker 11

  Mr. Segura, I apologize, but you are not allowed to beat my ass. As I said in that video, you would not be able to. So please keep your comments to yourself and do not threaten me, or I will have to seek counsel. Thank you.

• 24:49Tom Segura?

  First of all, how the hell does he know that term?

• 24:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I agree.

• 24:53Tom Segura?

  This is a guy that can barely put a sentence together. He knows to say counsel?

• 24:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true. He doesn't know what that means. He thinks it's a milkshake.

• 24:59Tom Segura?

  He's been watching tons of Law and Order. He's like, I'm going to, I'm gonna think counsel. All right, I'm not gonna, I'm not threatening you, dude. I thought you were threatening us with the first video.

• 25:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 25:11Tom Segura?

  But I'm not threatening you, and I don't seek counsel. I don't want an issue with you.

• 25:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, let's not get the-

• 25:16Tom Segura?

  Certainly don't want to go to litigation.

• 25:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, let's not get the law involved.

• 25:18Tom Segura?

  No, of course not.

• 25:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's very costly, sir.

• 25:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 25:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  You want to hire an attorney? Good luck.

• 25:23Tom Segura?

  Good fucking luck.

• 25:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  That costs a goddamn fortune, man. Look, I'm an adult, and that means I deal with things like life insurance. I know you don't want to deal with it, but you gotta, especially if you have a family, because there's nothing that keeps my anxiety at bay when I'm on the road away from home like knowing my family is protected. The excitement of buying a new house or having another kid comes with planning for the future, which is where Ethos comes in. I cannot tell you how much better I feel having life insurance. It is essential to being an adult. And Ethos is an online platform that makes getting life insurance fast and easy to protect

• 26:08Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 26:41Tom Segura?

  Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, Cigars International has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time when you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any turkey day induced stress. As the industry leader, Cigars International enhances these moments with unbeatable deals so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got- Free everyday shipping, no codes, no minimums. You just buy the cigars and they show up. That's it. With Cigars International's unbeatable deals and discounts, there's no better time to stock up

• 27:24Tom Segura?

  and take advantage of what is arguably the best time of the year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more, or visit cigarsinternational.com/ YMH and the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply.

• 27:42Tom Segura?

  Do you remember?

• 27:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  God damn.

• 27:45Tom Segura?

  This, let's see, video.

• 27:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm looking at Peter Murphy behind you. He's enchanting me.

• 27:50Tom Segura?

  You remember this video from the very beginning, like when, well, a few years ago, I think, but it really blew our minds.

• 27:57Speaker 12

  For reference, this is how hairy my butt is right now. Alright, so step one is to squeeze.

• 28:03Tom Segura?

  And he gave tutorials on like hair, like removing hair from your asshole, your balls, and these all have like 80 million views on YouTube. We were like, what the fuck is going on? And it just turned out that he fell into the category of like, um, education, when he was clearly like, here's how to fuck more. Okay? It was all about fucking. Well,

• 28:26Tom Segura?

  this dude, I guess, people are still discovering, obviously, this video all the time, you know? It's not like it's, everyone's seen it, but this is.

• 28:33Speaker 12

  For reference, this is how hairy my butt is right now.

• 28:36Speaker 07

  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? What? What? What?

• 28:48Speaker 07

  What?

• 28:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, YouTube.

• 28:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:51Speaker 07

  What? Why did I pause it? It's stuck on my screen. I can't even look at my screen.

• 28:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 29:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 29:01Speaker 09

  I'm gonna just say one thing.

• 29:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:04Speaker 09

  Bro turned around again. He saw it again.

• 29:06Tom Segura?

  He did.

• 29:06Speaker 09

  I'm gonna just say that. Little sus.

• 29:09Tom Segura?

  Little sus.

• 29:09Speaker 09

  Little sus.

• 29:10Tom Segura?

  Little sus.

• 29:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Little sus.

• 29:13Speaker 09

  Just say that.

• 29:13Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 29:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  You think he liked the hairy butt is what you're trying to say?

• 29:18Speaker 09

  Motherfucker paused it on the asshole.

• 29:20Tom Segura?

  Paused it. He could have just closed it, right?

• 29:22Speaker 09

  Yeah.

• 29:23Tom Segura?

  I also think that he was in real shock. He was in real shock. He didn't know.

• 29:28Speaker 09

  Good shock or bad shock?

• 29:29Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 29:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, cause he did set up the camera.

• 29:32Tom Segura?

  A top that.

• 29:33Speaker 13

  Likes to get his ass eaten though.

• 29:35Tom Segura?

  Oh great.

• 29:35Speaker 14

  Okay.

• 29:36Speaker 13

  So it's a recent thing for me?

• 29:38Speaker 14

  Discovery?

• 29:39Speaker 13

  Yeah, it really is. Wonderful thing, like, I don't know, like, it's something I feel like I've been missing out on for a lot of years.

• 29:47Speaker 02

  Yeah. Big boys club.

• 29:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:50Speaker 09

  What you missing out on, man?

• 29:53Speaker 09

  Dip? That's what you been missing out on? Yeah, okay. Yeah, alright, yeah.

• 30:00Tom Segura?

  He said it, he said it.

• 30:01Speaker 09

  Life's so much better now.

• 30:02Tom Segura?

  He, that's what he said, life is better now.

• 30:04Speaker 09

  Yeah, I bet.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:05Speaker 09

  Still smiling, huh?

• 30:07Tom Segura?

  All smiling and shit.

• 30:09Speaker 02

  It's so important.

• 30:10Speaker 15

  If you don't wanna admit it, that's fine, but you do gotta accept the fact that I'm gayer than you, dude. I fuck more butt than you do, I suck more dick than you do, I kiss more dudes than you do.

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:22Speaker 15

  I dress better, I wash my ass more than you do.

• 30:25Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 30:26Speaker 15

  I oil up and bust it down more than you do. They caught me down on Highway seventy-two banging seventy dudes. I, you ain't pulling these kinda numbers, you ain't doing this, you can't power scale my gayness.

• 30:39Speaker 02

  Power scale my gayness.

• 30:41Tom Segura?

  That was pretty dope.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, good for him.

• 30:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that was awesome.

• 30:44Speaker 02

  Dude, the gays are just fucking...

• 30:46Tom Segura?

  Trying to get my ass eaten.

• 30:47Speaker 02

  They love it.

• 30:48Speaker 09

  I agree with that whole message, he is correct.

• 30:51Tom Segura?

  He is gayer.

• 30:52Speaker 09

  Uh, I don't know about the dressing part.

• 30:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I was gonna say.

• 30:55Speaker 09

  Niggas wearing a t-shirt, what you...

• 30:57Tom Segura?

  I thought it was like a church's chicken shirt or something like that.

• 30:59Speaker 09

  That's what it looks like, like, bro, you just got that for free.

• 31:02Speaker 02

  I agree. Your fashion is atrocious.

• 31:04Tom Segura?

  If you're gonna say that, you gotta, you know, step it up, dude.

• 31:07Speaker 02

  But he does have clean face.

• 31:08Speaker 09

  I also lowkey believe he's not gay.

• 31:09Tom Segura?

  I think it's, I think it's a bit as well.

• 31:11Speaker 09

  Yeah, it's a bit.

• 31:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah. It's a fun bit. Yeah, I think it's a bit, yeah.

• 31:13Speaker 02

  Let me look at him.

• 31:15Tom Segura?

  You wanna see him again?

• 31:16Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 31:17Tom Segura?

  Um, okay.

• 31:17Speaker 02

  He's delicious, the little boy.

• 31:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:20Speaker 02

  He's delectable.

• 31:22Tom Segura?

  What is that, Logan's?

• 31:24Speaker 02

  Barbecue, probably.

• 31:25Tom Segura?

  Roadhouse?

• 31:26Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 31:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then again, why would you claim to be super gay?

• 31:31Tom Segura?

  He's just having fun.

• 31:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just being silly.

• 31:33Speaker 09

  That's just a thing that white people do, man. I've never understood it since I was a kid, man. White niggas in fucking school always, oh, I'm fucking gay. Ah, slap my ass, man. Fucking Reed tried to slap my ass. The other day at a bar, and I was, I'm like, nigga, never do that again. I was not playing.

• 31:53Tom Segura?

  He tried to slap it?

• 31:54Speaker 09

  He did.

• 31:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, he did slap it?

• 31:55Speaker 09

  He did.

• 31:56Tom Segura?

  He was like, go get him.

• 31:57Speaker 09

  I was in the motherfucking bathroom, like, dog. Dog.

• 32:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  In the bathroom?

• 32:03Speaker 09

  Like, we homies, but if we weren't homies, that's hands. You cannot do that.

• 32:09Tom Segura?

  What if he'd given you like a front tickle?

• 32:12Speaker 09

  Dog. Dog.

• 32:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just, what about?

• 32:16Tom Segura?

  He just giving you all of these like...

• 32:20Tom Segura?

  I did that to a coworker once.

• 32:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 32:22Speaker 09

  You see? You see? This is what, this is what white people do, this is what white men do. I don't understand.

• 32:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  They do, they're very homo erotic.

• 32:29Speaker 09

  I don't understand.

• 32:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they love jujitsu, they love wrestling each other on the floor. It's, it's just the culture, Annie.

• 32:36Speaker 09

  It's crazy, man.

• 32:37Tom Segura?

  Well, sometimes you go, you wrestle, you get like all your, you know, tension and rage out, and then you give like the winner's kiss, you know, you go, like that, like I beat you, you know?

• 32:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, at the end of jujitsu, they teach the kids.

• 32:50Tom Segura?

  A little kiss.

• 32:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  And just give each other a pecks on the cheek.

• 32:53Tom Segura?

  It's cute, it's fun.

• 32:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, I like, listen, Annie, I'm kind of with you here because I'm watching season two of Interview with a Vampire, which I love the show, but once I see gay kissing stuff, I get very like, ah, come on, man, dude, like, I have to fuck you.

• 33:11Tom Segura?

  Wow, you're getting like this?

• 33:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, look, I just don't. That's so gay. I just don't, I don't need to fucking see it, you know? And I like them, I like the story.

• 33:20Speaker 02

  Thank you, sir.

• 33:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Then I, maybe I'm homophobic.

• 33:25Tom Segura?

  Maybe you are homophobic, that's not something to be proud of.

• 33:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:31Tom Segura?

  It's not something to be proud of.

• 33:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I don't dislike them. I just don't like watching them court or French or I don't like watching them French. Yeah.

• 33:41Tom Segura?

  You're just like, I don't like love. I don't like affection between people.

• 33:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's just like, cause I like them independently. So right now it's season two. It's with Armand and Louis and there he is from Dubai to the right. One more to the right. That guy. And I like the guy who plays Armand and I like the guy that plays Louis and I like to imagine them as being ready for me.

• 34:01Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 34:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Heterosexual. And then they start Frenching each other and then I get upset because I'm like, oh man, like I, the fantasy was that the vampires would come and make me into a vampire, but they're not even interested in me.

• 34:14Tom Segura?

  Sexually?

• 34:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 34:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Such a bummer dude.

• 34:18Tom Segura?

  Do they ever do a thing where they bite the pussy lips?

• 34:22Tom Segura?

  I mean, there's so much blood down there anyway. They never just go for the source?

• 34:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's great. There's gotta be a vampire out there that exclusively does that.

• 34:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right?

• 34:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah. I mean, there's, I mean, you guys are just blood gushers. So.

• 34:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  We are blood. I didn't even think about that.

• 34:38Tom Segura?

  Why go for the neck? You've got an open wound.

• 34:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you something? Real talk?

• 34:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I get nervous when I'm on my period and we go on vacation. Like what if I'm in the ocean? And like the animals?

• 34:50Tom Segura?

  The animals?

• 34:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sharks and stuff.

• 34:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  They can tell and they'll come and eat me.

• 34:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they can sense that from a mile away.

• 34:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm saying. Like, can you Google that? That if a woman's on her period, even though she has a tampon in, will she get eaten by a shark on vacation?

• 35:06Tom Segura?

  Specifically on vacation. Like, does the shark recognize that she's having leisure time?

• 35:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm trying to relax and have a marg.

• 35:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That can't be, that can't be, it says, no, there's no scientific evidence to support the claim that sharks are attracted to period blood as opposed to every other kind of blood? Oh bullshit.

• 35:27Tom Segura?

  Well, I mean, they're saying it's just not there.

• 35:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're attracted primarily to fish blood and other prey. Menstrual blood does not contain the same chemical signals that attract sharks.

• 35:37Tom Segura?

  There you go. There's your answer.

• 35:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank God, dude.

• 35:39Tom Segura?

  It is safe to swim on vacation. That's, you're good to go now.

• 35:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ugh.

• 35:47Speaker 09

  Dog, what? Like, what, what is the show, bro?

• 35:54Speaker 09

  What is the show?

• 35:55Tom Segura?

  This is our folder called For Any.

• 35:57Speaker 09

  No, no.

• 35:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it's been a long time.

• 36:00Speaker 09

  Gay soft porn, dog. Like, you can't just do that.

• 36:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can, you can. It's fun.

• 36:06Speaker 09

  YouTube should ban us. We should be banned. God, I'm reaching out to our YouTube content. Like, check this shit out. Give them timestamps and everything.

• 36:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  But Any, I'm with you. It makes me uncomfortable, too.

• 36:20Speaker 09

  Yeah, well, this is your show.

• 36:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  But everything makes me uncomfortable on this show, to be fair.

• 36:27Speaker 09

  God damn it.

• 36:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Most of the shit we watch is terrible.

• 36:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  To me.

• 36:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Unless it's TikTok stuff, and then I really like it.

• 36:35Tom Segura?

  Then you like it.

• 36:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I don't like fucking horny guys licking the air and stuff.

• 36:40Tom Segura?

  You don't like this guy here?

• 36:40Speaker 09

  I like women who make me explode in my pants. There are only about thirteen of you in the Pittsburgh area.

• 36:50Tom Segura?

  Nice.

• 36:50Speaker 09

  So, most of you have nothing to worry about.

• 36:54Tom Segura?

  You got a lot of flakes on your shirt.

• 36:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is. He doesn't blink. He's very still. He's laying down.

• 37:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's got...

• 37:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I...

• 37:02Speaker 09

  You're not it. Know what I'm saying?

• 37:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like it.

• 37:08Tom Segura?

  You don't like him?

• 37:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe.

• 37:10Tom Segura?

  He's... Some chicks make him explode in his pants.

• 37:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like it. I'm gonna fucking puke. There's no way this works. There's no fucking way there's a woman that's like, "Yeah."

• 37:19Tom Segura?

  There is a woman. There might be thirteen.

• 37:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's not thirteen in the Pittsburgh area.

• 37:24Tom Segura?

  You don't think he closes deals?

• 37:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Never. There's not a deal closed. Not a deal.

• 37:29Tom Segura?

  I'm telling you. Here's the thing. They don't look the way he thinks they do, but he closes deals.

• 37:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, he could be a Florida white garbage.

• 37:39Tom Segura?

  Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. And I know guys like this, and the guys that like, talk like this, and they, and they put up numbers and shit. It is astonishing what they will claim is attractive, but they do get it. He gets it.

• 37:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, because if he had like a small boat, like a fishing boat?

• 37:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then he's like, "Come on, come out on the boat."

• 38:01Tom Segura?

  He's had, he's worked a lot of angles in his life.

• 38:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the big angle for him, is come out on my boat.

• 38:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then he just, he gives her a six-pack Zimas or whatever. I don't know, trash drinks. That's what Florida trash love that they love to be on a boat, playing loud shitty music.

• 38:19Tom Segura?

  Well, that's another thing you have the ocean. So if you're kind of a fuck up, you know, you don't like things work on ground, you can just kind of go, you know, I'm meant to be out there. You can kind of fuck up out there.

• 38:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:32Tom Segura?

  You don't really fuck with anybody, you know, get your dog and you get your, your hot stove and you, you know, some fishing line.

• 38:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  A dog on your boat.

• 38:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 38:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so cool for them. Dogs love to be on boats.

• 38:45Tom Segura?

  Guys like that down there. Yeah. You gotta have the full neck beard, bad blotchy skin.

• 38:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  And do they live? They live on the boat, right?

• 38:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, that's it.

• 38:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't gotta pay rent to nobody.

• 38:58Tom Segura?

  And then they, sometimes they come ashore and they interact with people and everything starts to go sideways pretty quickly. So they go, I'm going back on the boat. They're just not good.

• 39:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's crazy because I actually, I know somebody whose brother is exactly what you're saying.

• 39:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's not doing well, is he?

• 39:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  A piece of shit.

• 39:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 39:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's such a piece of shit scumbag.

• 39:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's how it is, man. Bunch of fuckups.

• 39:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  How did you know that?

• 39:20Tom Segura?

  I just, I, I grew up there. I know, I know this world. Yeah.

• 39:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's amazing that you can tell.

• 39:25Tom Segura?

  That show, Bloodline, really nails it. If you've never seen Bloodline, it's on Netflix. I think they got three seasons. Dude, they really nail the Florida pieces of shit so well on this show. Everything, the looks, the way that they interact, they're just, they just nail it.

• 39:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, what I've noticed is the shirtlessness. It's always cutoff shorts.

• 39:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  And flip flops. And you can wear that anywhere in Florida.

• 39:52Tom Segura?

  Bertrand, Bertrand wears flip flops.

• 39:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 39:53Tom Segura?

  Almost every day.

• 39:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everywhere.

• 39:55Tom Segura?

  That's his Florida upbringing.

• 39:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 39:57Tom Segura?

  There's a clip of him with Sebastian. He wears Sebastian. He's like, Sebastian's like, I have makeup on. And Bert's like, what? I fucking told you guys, you should wear makeup. And, and then Sebastian explains, he's like, well, I mean, you know, if you do Kimmel, if you do Conan, right? You're on television, you, they put some on you. And he's like, and then this is cameras and it's being broadcast. And like, he kind of explains the logic. And then Bert goes, yeah, like, I told you I should do it. He's like, you don't have to wear it. You're not wearing shoes. It's the least of your concerns is what your face looks like.

• 40:39Speaker 16

  Are you serious?

• 40:40Speaker 17

  Yeah.

• 40:40Speaker 16

  I told you I should have fucking makeup on. God, you look amazing.

• 40:43Speaker 17

  Well, thank you. Uh, give me, give me a take on the makeup. Like, this seems to be the form of entertainment that a lot of people are watching, right?

• 40:51Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 40:51Speaker 17

  So when you go on Jimmy Kimmel, or you go on a Conan O'Brien, whatever this show is, you wear any makeup?

• 40:58Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 40:59Speaker 17

  Okay. So, no- nothing really different here. We have cameras. This is going to be broadcast to the world. Right? I feel like, you know, little, little powder, little foundation.

• 41:10Speaker 16

  Little powder foundation would have been smart. I said, should I get fucking hair and makeup? And everyone's like, it's a podcast. I should have gotten hair, I should have gotten makeup.

• 41:17Speaker 17

  No, you shouldn't have gotten anything. You're, you have no shoes on.

• 41:20Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 41:21Speaker 17

  So, why would we even start with makeup?

• 41:23Speaker 16

  I didn't even use soap in the shower. I have makeup.

• 41:26Speaker 17

  Yeah.

• 41:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. The red, it's blotchy now. Is he out in the sun?

• 41:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's in the sun. He goes outside a lot.

• 41:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 41:33Tom Segura?

  I don't think he's a sunblock guy.

• 41:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause it's true, look how healthy Sebastian looks.

• 41:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then you cut to Burt.

• 41:40Tom Segura?

  You think it's different lifestyles or no?

• 41:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like a sausage.

• 41:46Tom Segura?

  And then a vegetable?

• 41:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 41:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like a healthy green salad. Somebody that's taking care and then, oh.

• 41:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And there's a.

• 41:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chili.

• 41:55Tom Segura?

  Penne à la vodka.

• 42:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  A meatball sub right there.

• 42:02Tom Segura?

  Oh, Jesus Christ.

• 42:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  He looks like a meatball sub.

• 42:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Well, he's out there, he's doing it. He's on tour. Get tickets.

• 42:10Tom Segura?

  Last tour. All right, let's take a quick break and, uh, we'll be right back. And we are back and our guest is one of our all-time favorites. You can see his new special, Live and Alive. It's out now on his YouTube channel. It's Ryan Sickler, everybody.

• 42:26Speaker 16

  Yeah! Thank you, guys.

• 42:27Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 42:28Speaker 16

  Listen, um, I want to first apologize that I was unable to get a costume. I just had a brow lift.

• 42:36Speaker 18

  And they hit me up and said, hey, you gotta get a costume. And I was like, I just had this brow lift. I don't have time. I'm going to New York to all some banging these out. I don't have time to get a costume. So I do apologize that you're the only one wearing a costume at the table, Christina. But good for you.

• 42:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  You still look great. Your brow lift, I hope it turned out well.

• 42:53Speaker 18

  I hope it looks half as good as yours.

• 42:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you.

• 42:56Speaker 18

  Half as good. When I saw you the last time, and I was like, that's something I definitely want to do right now. I want to willfully put myself through that.

• 43:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got it. Listen, if you, if you're anybody, you need to get plastic surgery.

• 43:06Tom Segura?

  That's right. So your inspiration for this was, was just simply your brow lift?

• 43:10Speaker 18

  Yeah, just, well, your wife's brow lift. I mean, that was the inspiration. I was like, Jesus Christ, look what she's doing over there. I was like.

• 43:17Tom Segura?

  What do you think of a Karl Lagerfeld? Do you like this?

• 43:19Speaker 18

  Well, at first, when I came in, I'm ignorant. I didn't even know who the fuck you were.

• 43:22Speaker 02

  Why, what's fucking wrong with you? Because you're classless. You don't like fashion.

• 43:26Speaker 18

  And then they said who you were. And, and, and I was like, why do assholes like this always, or why is it asshole like this always in charge of fashion? You know what I mean? Like, you look like George Washington and Abling.

• 43:40Tom Segura?

  Do you have?

• 43:41Speaker 18

  Or, or, and Ray Charles, all at one time.

• 43:43Tom Segura?

  Do you have those great Karl Lagerfeld quotes?

• 43:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he was a real peach of a personality.

• 43:49Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. Wait, have him pull up and you can read the Lagerfeld quotes. Cause they're pretty great.

• 43:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I have a friend who was a runway model for him in the early 2000s.

• 43:58Speaker 18

  Did you ever meet him?

• 43:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he called her fat.

• 44:01Speaker 18

  How, what did she weigh, like 120 pounds?

• 44:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gorgeous. Okay, have a go.

• 44:05Speaker 02

  She's a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.

• 44:10Speaker 18

  Okay, I know who he is now that I see the melted face. Yeah, yeah.

• 44:15Speaker 02

  No one wants to see curvy women on the runway.

• 44:20Speaker 02

  It's kind of true. There are nearly 30% of young people who are too fat. So let's take care of the zillions of the too fat before we talk about the percentage that's left.

• 44:32Speaker 18

  Hmm.

• 44:33Speaker 02

  He's, can I say that?

• 44:34Speaker 18

  I don't even understand that math.

• 44:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't understand the fuck he's talking about. But everybody in my family basically talks like this.

• 44:39Tom Segura?

  Where's his sweatpants quote?

• 44:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, Europeans are like brutal like this. I mean, at least my tribe.

• 44:45Tom Segura?

  What about this? Yes, some people say to me, you're too skinny, but never a skinny person says that to me. Only people who could, you lose a few pounds, say that.

• 44:56Speaker 18

  Someone who's in shape never says that to me. It's just fat.

• 44:59Tom Segura?

  This is a great one. Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants.

• 45:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's true. That one's true.

• 45:08Speaker 18

  I don't buy that. That's bullshit right there. It's not defeat. It's, it's comfort. That's all.

• 45:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what happened during COVID?

• 45:15Tom Segura?

  He's saying somebody who prioritizes comfort over appearance, your life is a mess.

• 45:22Speaker 18

  You're a loser.

• 45:24Speaker 18

  You can simply look at me and tell that that's not the case. Okay. Look at me.

• 45:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you think of this, though? The fingerless gloves?

• 45:32Speaker 18

  I've always been a fan of fingerless gloves, though. Forever. I mean, everybody had. Billy Idol.

• 45:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is the utility? Because he was, he was an artist, so he would draw all day. But the gloves, this is counterproductive. Because when I go to the bathroom, I can't wash my hands.

• 45:44Tom Segura?

  Oh, and their fishnet, too. Didn't Madonna have those, too?

• 45:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, of course. No, Lagerfeld is the one. But you know what I mean? All day wearing these?

• 45:51Speaker 18

  What his sexual preference was.

• 45:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was an asexual homosexual. Thank you for asking.

• 45:54Speaker 18

  Okay. Yeah. And I'm imagining we're keeping the palms nice and soft for the gluck gluck. You know what I'm saying? Fingers are doing the magic and the palms are.

• 46:04Tom Segura?

  I love his running across, you know, skinny bodies. His disdain for the fat is really great. It's really great.

• 46:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's my favorite.

• 46:11Speaker 18

  It's like so gross. He can't even.

• 46:15Tom Segura?

  And like his version, what he calls fat is not what we call fat.

• 46:20Speaker 18

  Does he have a textbook, like, uh, blood pressure should be 120 over 80? Does he have a height, weight? For a woman that's ideal, like, like publicly? Has he said the perfect female specimen is this? Has he ever gone on record with a, with a barometer here that we got?

• 46:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  The guy did Chanel for, you know, 10 years or more, and he, he designed for many houses.

• 46:41Speaker 18

  Clearly likes diverse women, too. Look at the Chanel lineup. Very diverse. I see.

• 46:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, lots, right?

• 46:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sure he has a preference. He has to have. Because he's old school, too. This guy was like, you know, from the 70s.

• 46:56Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 46:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is, this is the beginning.

• 46:58Speaker 18

  I wish he would have had like a closeted, like, big. Like chubby black wife. That would be awesome. I mean off to the side, like you know how all the religious people are like, yeah, don't, don't do this and that. And then they're all the ones.

• 47:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 47:12Speaker 18

  Yeah. What if he just had some, you know, like.

• 47:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  He did like food. So that was his thing is that he was always eating sweets and he always had a weight problem. So I think that's why he deflected it out to everyone else.

• 47:25Speaker 18

  The world.

• 47:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 47:26Speaker 18

  Put it into women, little girls heads and fucked them up for good.

• 47:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's the reason I did it myself.

• 47:32Speaker 18

  Yeah, this guy's.

• 47:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I should look like those Chanel models. Why don't I look like a Chanel model?

• 47:35Speaker 18

  I hate me, so fuck you. Yeah. So you know what? You're gonna hate yourself worse.

• 47:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. So then, so he literally did want to be a Dior size, something like 38 or 40. So he did have them, he had a chef put him on a special diet just so he could fit into Dior size 38 or something.

• 47:53Speaker 18

  Lagerfeld was quite open about his disdain for women larger than a typical runway model size, which is considered zero to two. There you go. Good God. Everything higher to two, my mom shopped at 16 plus. That was a store. But a size four, he would be like something to trim down maybe. Yeah.

• 48:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're disgusting.

• 48:13Speaker 18

  A four would be like double what he prefers. The Carl Lagerfeld diet? So he had like an actual.

• 48:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. So this is how he ate to get slimmed down.

• 48:22Speaker 18

  You know what I do?

• 48:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Very strict.

• 48:24Speaker 18

  Hamburgers, man.

• 48:27Speaker 18

  It's hamburger diet.

• 48:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  You look great. You look perfect.

• 48:31Speaker 18

  Yeah. How about this?

• 48:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool guy.

• 48:33Speaker 07

  This remind me of her.

• 48:43Speaker 07

  Yeah, baby.

• 48:47Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah.

• 48:49Speaker 18

  He's going back for more.

• 48:54Speaker 18

  You think he has sweatpants on? You think he's wearing sweat?

• 48:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's giving up.

• 49:00Speaker 07

  Who want it?

• 49:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who want it? Who want it? Anybody in there?

• 49:05Tom Segura?

  Some of the girls I saw them earlier are getting kinda worked up over this.

• 49:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who does want it? I gotta know. After all these years, I gotta know who wants this.

• 49:12Tom Segura?

  You don't feel anything when you see that?

• 49:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not a fu- like, it's dry and it went inside.

• 49:17Tom Segura?

  God, I just don't get it.

• 49:18Speaker 18

  But you can agree that there's someone on this rock in outer space.

• 49:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of- well.

• 49:25Speaker 18

  That's for that guy, yeah.

• 49:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  But who is it?

• 49:27Speaker 18

  That's what I wanna know too. But there's somebody. There's somebody, yeah.

• 49:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who is it?

• 49:32Tom Segura?

  He's fucking-

• 49:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not Lagerfeld approved.

• 49:34Speaker 18

  Mm-mm, definitely not. That ain't gonna be a zero to two, not on, not there.

• 49:38Tom Segura?

  Apparently, he, um, he posts videos of himself.

• 49:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Zero to two.

• 49:41Tom Segura?

  Doing, doing this a lot. Food eating in a sexual way.

• 49:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please don't, I don't wanna be sick.

• 49:46Tom Segura?

  It's his go-to content.

• 49:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I love pudding.

• 49:48Speaker 18

  Does anybody eat hamburgers like this?

• 49:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tim, Tim, and Ryan, may I ask you this?

• 49:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 50:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys are always, well specifically, specifically you, you're always asking me, "Oh, that doesn't turn you on at all, his skills?" So if you were to see a woman licking a pudding like that and saying, "This could be your butthole", would you be turned on?

• 50:14Tom Segura?

  Fuck yeah.

• 50:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Regardless of-

• 50:15Speaker 18

  Yeah. It's interesting, because if you would've said dick, I would've been like nah. But you went butthole and now I'm thinking nah. Yeah.

• 50:23Tom Segura?

  I could be alright, I could be alright.

• 50:24Speaker 07

  Rob, rob.

• 50:25Speaker 18

  Get back there, rob.

• 50:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Rob, rob.

• 50:27Tom Segura?

  Look what he's, look what he's got right there.

• 50:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, there you go. No comments yet.

• 50:32Tom Segura?

  Oh, he's losing sprinkles. He's eating that butthole.

• 50:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Outside, outside!

• 50:40Speaker 18

  Outside of public. He's probably on his lunch break.

• 50:43Tom Segura?

  Is he wearing an apron?

• 50:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he's working.

• 50:45Speaker 18

  This guy's cutting his belly.

• 50:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  He works at the donut shop.

• 50:49Speaker 18

  Can you imagine you're an employer and you see that?

• 50:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're like, "Damn?"

• 50:53Tom Segura?

  You're like, "Is that a dress?"

• 50:54Speaker 18

  Damn, damn! Fuck you doing, man? I'm on lunch, bruh.

• 51:00Speaker 07

  It tastes good, baby.

• 51:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, we got it.

• 51:02Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 51:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, please not again.

• 51:06Speaker 18

  Give me a dozen yolks.

• 51:08Tom Segura?

  Give me get a dozen crackers, man.

• 51:11Speaker 18

  This guy's whole thing is tongue fucking food on the internet.

• 51:14Tom Segura?

  He's got a following.

• 51:15Speaker 18

  How many followers is he? Yeah, tell me.

• 51:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 51:18Tom Segura?

  Hundred twenty-two.

• 51:19Speaker 18

  I mean, that's solid for this content.

• 51:21Tom Segura?

  Are there tons of posts like this? Yeah.

• 51:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Looks like it.

• 51:24Tom Segura?

  Wow, it's all.

• 51:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're always one-note ponies, these guys.

• 51:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  They got one thing on their brain.

• 51:29Tom Segura?

  That's kind of cute.

• 51:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's still.

• 51:32Tom Segura?

  Oh, man. What is that, a peach?

• 51:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's an orange peel. You ever seen your kids?

• 51:39Tom Segura?

  No.

• 51:41Speaker 18

  Daughter's never done that.

• 51:44Tom Segura?

  You good, Unc?

• 51:49Tom Segura?

  Hell, no.

• 51:52Tom Segura?

  People are like, what the fuck?

• 51:54Speaker 18

  It's halftime at the soccer game. This guy's over there doing his videos off to the side and shit out in public. All right, kids, let's go.

• 52:04Speaker 18

  Who wants that?

• 52:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because that's always the question.

• 52:09Tom Segura?

  Sucking on grapes.

• 52:13Tom Segura?

  Like, what are you doing, man?

• 52:15Speaker 18

  I'm making my content.

• 52:17Tom Segura?

  He's consistent. Like, that's the other thing. He's consistent.

• 52:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's all it takes is consistency over time.

• 52:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  But they.

• 52:23Tom Segura?

  There's another homeless guy.

• 52:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, boy.

• 52:26Tom Segura?

  There's a few. He keeps hitting up. Right? Those are. Oh, there's a bunch. Oh, boy.

• 52:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, they're all knotted off on.

• 52:34Tom Segura?

  Oh, he's.

• 52:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sentinel.

• 52:36Tom Segura?

  You guys turned on by my shit? He's like, y'all, hey. There's someone like fingering their own ass. Who's that?

• 52:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck me in my ass, man.

• 52:43Tom Segura?

  He's reaching down, grabbing his ass.

• 52:44Speaker 18

  Who put this donut back here, man?

• 52:45Tom Segura?

  What's that?

• 52:51Tom Segura?

  What?

• 52:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why is he?

• 52:56Tom Segura?

  That person's just out.

• 52:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or dead.

• 53:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jesus.

• 53:00Speaker 18

  Look at this, though. He's pro- he's like, sort of documenting these heroin, the plight of everything going on in the city, and then all of a sudden it switches to just tongue fucking food. Like, one day, he's like, you know what? Enough of this bullshit.

• 53:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:15Speaker 18

  Where is the difference? Where is the switch? Where is the switch?

• 53:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 53:19Speaker 07

  This could be you.

• 53:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay.

• 53:23Speaker 07

  Mmm, cinnamon waffle.

• 53:26Speaker 18

  But he had the lid on. He got the lid on. Look. He had the lid on.

• 53:32Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah. Ooh, baby.

• 53:37Speaker 18

  Oh.

• 53:37Speaker 07

  Mmm.

• 53:38Speaker 18

  Oh, God, now I'm getting sick.

• 53:41Speaker 07

  Remind me of this female who I used to do this to.

• 53:47Speaker 18

  Someone wrote, "This just gave me a yeast infection."

• 53:54Speaker 18

  Jesus Christ, brush your tongue.

• 53:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, I had that thought, too. It's dirty, bro. God damn, dude. Oh, you nasty. No. Stop. But you're right. He goes from, like, recording the plight of humanity to, like, "Girl, I'm gonna lick you like a waffle."

• 54:12Speaker 18

  Look how terrible this is. This guy's bent in half, dead asleep here, addicted to heroin, man. Next one's like, "La la la la la la la." This could be you, girl.

• 54:21Tom Segura?

  It's funny, his first one is, somebody nodded out.

• 54:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  No likes on that, no comments?

• 54:33Speaker 07

  Mary had a little lamb who snorted a lot of coke.

• 54:38Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 54:39Speaker 07

  Everywhere that Mary went.

• 54:40Tom Segura?

  He's got an apron on.

• 54:41Speaker 07

  The cocaine was there to go.

• 54:46Tom Segura?

  Okay, so so far, there's no food there. That's the second post. Third.

• 54:50Speaker 18

  Oh shit.

• 54:51Tom Segura?

  Oh shit.

• 54:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Third time's a charm.

• 54:52Tom Segura?

  It's a banana pepper. Wait, but what's third?

• 54:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's a banana pepper.

• 54:57Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 54:58Speaker 18

  He just went all.

• 54:58Tom Segura?

  He went right to it.

• 54:59Speaker 18

  You know what? Bug.

• 55:04Speaker 18

  Oh, his tongue is disgusting.

• 55:08Tom Segura?

  Okay, alright.

• 55:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Got it. Next, next, next.

• 55:12Tom Segura?

  Well, it's just cool to see how artists evolve, like what it is.

• 55:15Speaker 18

  Yeah, you know, artists like yourself.

• 55:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yes, thank you. You've noticed my work.

• 55:20Tom Segura?

  If you wanna, you wanna even it out with a lady, so here's a lady.

• 55:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please, please.

• 55:23Speaker 19

  To you fucking Ken and Barbie, eat my fucking shit as you die. Deceptive, ugly Ken and Barbie, eat my shit as you die.

• 55:37Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 55:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like her eyes, like.

• 55:39Tom Segura?

  Well, she's missing an eye.

• 55:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  David Bowie thing kinda going on.

• 55:41Speaker 18

  Is that slam poetry? What was that?

• 55:43Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 55:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, dummy.

• 55:44Speaker 18

  I feel like she's ramping up for a big night tonight. Here's another thing I'm realizing. I know from living in Los Angeles that they give the homeless phones. You know this?

• 55:52Tom Segura?

  No.

• 55:53Speaker 18

  Oh, yeah. Homeless, all, all the homeless that used to live right out back in my old building, they all have cell phones. I'm like, what the fuck? They get a cellphone?

• 56:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why? Who are they calling?

• 56:03Tom Segura?

  Who provides the phone?

• 56:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ubers?

• 56:05Speaker 18

  I guess. I really don't look into it, but I know that they all get phones because they all have phones and they're working phones. And I don't know if it's so they can, you know, do their programs or whatever. You can look it up. These people need to stop getting fucking phones. That's what this is.

• 56:19Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 56:20Speaker 18

  I'm surely, that guy, does that guy, the guy before, look like he's a normal fucking guy?

• 56:25Tom Segura?

  No.

• 56:26Speaker 18

  That guy's not paying a bill. How is he paying a bill?

• 56:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:31Speaker 18

  He's getting pudding cups and fruit. That's all shit you can get free somewhere. There's nothing I saw him make.

• 56:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:38Speaker 18

  There's no steak.

• 56:39Tom Segura?

  No.

• 56:39Speaker 18

  There's not even any hand, there's no, where's the McDonald's?

• 56:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 56:43Speaker 18

  Where's the McDonald's? He don't have money. He's getting free shit. Here, here we go. Look.

• 56:49Tom Segura?

  Federal lifeline program, what's it say?

• 56:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Provides free or discounted phone and internet service to eligible low income households, including those experiencing homelessness.

• 56:59Tom Segura?

  Isn't that awesome? Yeah.

• 57:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  The federal lifeline program, but why?

• 57:04Tom Segura?

  So they could do videos like this?

• 57:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Corny videos?

• 57:08Speaker 09

  I wanna make a video of me eating an orange.

• 57:10Tom Segura?

  This lady's scary as fuck. Yeah, that voice too. The I, the T.

• 57:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, she's cool. Don't you guys talk shit about, she's a witch, dude.

• 57:18Tom Segura?

  You know, you I believe that. You brought up steak. Have you seen this, like, you know, there's all these different phobias? That there's one where like, people have this fear of like, how foods might feel or taste to them?

• 57:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:32Tom Segura?

  This guy is doing shit like this.

• 57:34Speaker 20

  I have an extreme fear of trying new foods and today I'm trying steak.

• 57:41Tom Segura?

  This guy's in his thirties.

• 57:42Speaker 20

  I don't know why, but this

• 57:43Tom Segura?

  He's never tried steak.

• 57:44Speaker 20

  This freaks me out. Uh, my biggest concern is that

• 57:48Tom Segura?

  You're a Phillies fan?

• 57:50Speaker 20

  This is gonna be very chewy. I think I've said before that I don't do well with chewy.

• 57:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is chewy, you're right.

• 57:59Speaker 20

  The smell is really strong.

• 58:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 58:01Tom Segura?

  Steak. Where the fuck have you been? Yeah, where? You've never smelled a steak? You've been to a cookout, motherfucker?

• 58:06Speaker 20

  That appealing? I feel like that's a big piece, but

• 58:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it doesn't look good, I will say, in all fairness.

• 58:14Tom Segura?

  Like, yeah, if you're gonna do it. He's gagging. He's gagging, alright. For steak. Steak, dude. And so he's like

• 58:23Tom Segura?

  Hold on.

• 58:25Tom Segura?

  Why is it anger at me so much?

• 58:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it looks like it was boiled. It doesn't look good.

• 58:28Tom Segura?

  You're right, you're right.

• 58:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Nasty.

• 58:31Speaker 09

  It's bothering you because you're a father. This shit, this is unacceptable.

• 58:34Tom Segura?

  This is unacceptable. I wanna punch this man.

• 58:38Speaker 09

  Where is this man's father?

• 58:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's fine where the phobia came from. Yeah, for sure.

• 58:44Tom Segura?

  You're a hundred percent right.

• 58:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, well?

• 58:47Tom Segura?

  The homeless guy?

• 58:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see.

• 58:48Tom Segura?

  He had a dad.

• 58:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's chewy.

• 58:50Tom Segura?

  He definitely had a dad.

• 58:51Speaker 09

  He smelled steak before.

• 58:51Tom Segura?

  He had a dad. Ah, my dad loved me. Ah.

• 58:56Tom Segura?

  I did it.

• 58:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  He likes it.

• 58:57Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 58:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  You like it?

• 58:59Speaker 20

  I did it.

• 59:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yay.

• 59:02Speaker 20

  I can't believe I swallowed that.

• 59:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's awesome.

• 59:04Speaker 20

  Wow, that's, that's a big victory. I swallowed it.

• 59:09Speaker 20

  I swallowed it. That's awesome.

• 59:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is he eating?

• 59:14Speaker 20

  I swallowed it. I did it.

• 59:18Speaker 20

  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

• 59:22Speaker 18

  Please put this in a gay porn. Please put this under a gay porn.

• 59:26Speaker 20

  A six out of 10.

• 59:30Speaker 18

  You're right, though. It does. It looks like one of those people that used to broil a steak back, throw it in the bottom of the oven and shit.

• 59:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that doesn't look like a good one.

• 59:38Tom Segura?

  This is avoidant restrictive food intake disorder.

• 59:41Speaker 18

  I've dealt with this.

• 59:42Tom Segura?

  You have?

• 59:42Speaker 18

  My daughter's a picky eater and she's, she's not like, this is ridiculous.

• 59:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:47Speaker 18

  She's not scared of, of food, but she's like, if she wants mac and cheese, it's gotta be Annie's white mac and cheese. She ain't fucking around craft. So it's, I'll eat it, but it's, I want this particular one. And it's a comfort thing. So we, I went to, we talked to a, a doctor about it and stuff and her brother was the same way.

• 1:00:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:00:07Speaker 18

  He's a very picky eater, but he, but then he, he would eat like salmon and sting, but it would just these things that he liked.

• 1:00:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's like an OCD.

• 1:00:14Speaker 18

  Yeah. So we were like, what could we do? And they were like, this is the best part. They're like, nothing. They're gonna grow out of it. They said, they said, most times what happens, and this is the beauty of life still is like, your kids are gonna get to high school. They're gonna be hanging out with all their friends and their friends are gonna look at them and be like, that's what the fuck you eat? And you start clowning them. Like, you don't eat hot dogs? You know what I mean? And they're gonna be, oh my, ah. And then you're either gonna fucking start eating hot dogs or gonna be this fucking guy.

• 1:00:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:41Speaker 18

  Okay?

• 1:00:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  So this guy just never had high school.

• 1:00:44Speaker 18

  This guy never had friends or a dad right here. This guy's raised probably by three women and a grandma. I'm saying over here.

• 1:00:50Tom Segura?

  No one bullied him.

• 1:00:50Speaker 18

  And no one could cook. No one bullied this motherfucker. No brothers to fuck him up. Not even a sister to be like, listen, you pussy. I feel like you'd have been a great sister for this guy. You know, like, listen, you little fucking pussy.

• 1:01:01Tom Segura?

  Eat the fucking steak.

• 1:01:02Speaker 18

  We're grilling the steak tonight. Okay? You'll like it.

• 1:01:05Tom Segura?

  Unreal.

• 1:01:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. It's so good to bully just a little.

• 1:01:09Speaker 18

  You need it.

• 1:01:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, there's this great.

• 1:01:11Speaker 18

  Listen, also, it's not bull, like.

• 1:01:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not bully. Bullying is a relentless.

• 1:01:15Speaker 18

  Tough love has been turned into bullying. You need a little swift kick in the ass.

• 1:01:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  A hundred percent.

• 1:01:20Speaker 18

  We all need it. There's not one of us that can look back on that and go, I didn't need that.

• 1:01:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 1:01:25Speaker 18

  You know.

• 1:01:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you, have you ever seen that, um, video where it's a bunch of cholos? And they're just giggling, laughing in their car as they drive past a bunch of nerds in their furry outfits? It's like the most simple, it was just like old school shit, like, like they're not saying anything. They're just like cholos laughing at a fucking nerd.

• 1:01:45Tom Segura?

  At furries.

• 1:01:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  At furries, dude. And it was like, oh god. It feels so good. Whatever, guys. Fuck you guys.

• 1:01:53Speaker 18

  Fucking coyote running over there.

• 1:01:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it's like, yeah, you should be a little ashamed. Like, you should try to conceal your weirdness. A little, right? Don't go walking in certain neighborhoods like that. You know, you know.

• 1:02:05Speaker 18

  If you have this, it's also, it's okay.

• 1:02:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:09Speaker 18

  Keep it off the fucking internet. What are you doing?

• 1:02:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't talk about it.

• 1:02:13Speaker 18

  Like, you have a mental illness on top of it. You know what I mean? You have a mental illness on top of it. Like, guy, I'm scared of potato chips, so I'm gonna sit down and eat these guys. Say, oh god, what the fuck are you doing? Just eat them scared in your house.

• 1:02:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. It's like the people who are having a nervous breakdown and then they stop and get a phone to cry in front of the phone and then post the video.

• 1:02:34Tom Segura?

  That's insane.

• 1:02:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, what?

• 1:02:35Speaker 18

  The crying.

• 1:02:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are you doing?

• 1:02:38Speaker 18

  Guys, and it's guys.

• 1:02:41Speaker 18

  I can't believe what's happening right now.

• 1:02:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:44Speaker 18

  They're here, they're here taking my child right now. My child's being taken up doing these food videos and they're taking my children.

• 1:02:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, the most vulnerable moment.

• 1:02:52Speaker 18

  Down to help the fucking kids. I'm going live.

• 1:02:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Got some going live.

• 1:02:57Tom Segura?

  I can get some good engagement off of these tears.

• 1:02:59Speaker 18

  Yep.

• 1:03:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, literally. Can you even, the last time I cried, that's the last thing in my, my heart. Like, I should reach for my.

• 1:03:06Speaker 18

  I cried. I mean, in the last six months, it's been every other day, probably. I ain't fucking streaming it. You know what I'm saying? I'm just having my little power cry and I'm done. You know what I mean? We keep that to ourselves.

• 1:03:17Tom Segura?

  Why aren't you using it for likes?

• 1:03:18Speaker 18

  You know?

• 1:03:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:20Speaker 18

  I use it for hates. I have to feel like.

• 1:03:24Tom Segura?

  So, hey, first of all, congrats on the special. We haven't even said that.

• 1:03:28Speaker 18

  Thank you, guys.

• 1:03:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Congratulations.

• 1:03:30Speaker 18

  Thank you very much.

• 1:03:31Tom Segura?

  It's on your YouTube channel right now.

• 1:03:33Speaker 18

  Streaming right now. Go watch it now, live and alive, on my YouTube.

• 1:03:38Tom Segura?

  Shot in L.A.?

• 1:03:39Speaker 18

  Nope. Self-produced again, and shot at Comedy on State in Madison.

• 1:03:44Tom Segura?

  Oh, in Madison.

• 1:03:45Speaker 18

  Which you know is one of the greatest clubs in the country. Comedy on State.

• 1:03:47Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:03:49Speaker 18

  So, yeah, I did two shows there, and it was awesome. I was worried because I had never been there. I didn't get there till November, the year before, and then I started talking to Jesse and all the guys working there. And they're like, you know, we're doing this. And I was like, I want to do, I want to do it here then. And I was worried I wouldn't sell tickets. And the fans fucking came through, man. It was Tom Papa next door that night. They had Stavros, Trevor Wallace, and Sam Morril coming in at the theater, all in that same week.

• 1:04:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 1:04:17Speaker 18

  And Comedy on State, Madison, Wisconsin, still showed up, showed out, sold out two shows. We shot it. Very different from my last special, and it's all about, you know, everything that happened and then the aftermath. And I thank you in there, by the way. I talked about our conversation in the hospital.

• 1:04:33Tom Segura?

  Oh, man.

• 1:04:34Speaker 18

  I also told our meeting Brad Pitt story, my version of what happened. And I also want to thank you, all jokes aside, for real, because, listen, I'm gonna get emotional.

• 1:04:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, no.

• 1:04:49Speaker 18

  No, it's okay. Can't believe I'm crying. Let me get my phone out. Somebody, get somebody streaming.

• 1:04:54Tom Segura?

  We got cameras rolling.

• 1:04:56Speaker 07

  Guys, can you got everything rolling?

• 1:04:59Tom Segura?

  I'm crying in a hamburgers costume?

• 1:05:02Speaker 18

  No. When I got out of the hospital, I'm on a walker. I can't do a lap around my pool. I can't do anything. I'm high on fucking drugs the whole time in there, and I'm Amazoning like a motherfucker.

• 1:05:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:15Speaker 18

  I'm just, I'm PayPal'ing people I didn't know, and they didn't send it back. I'm just sending money. I'm like, who?

• 1:05:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:05:24Speaker 18

  And I get home, and there's so much shit in my apartment, and I'm in the single dad place at the time. I don't have A.C. I gotta go outside to do laundry and quarters. I'm a very clean person.

• 1:05:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:35Speaker 18

  I've always been a clean person. I like my place clean. I like it orderly, and I couldn't get up to help myself. And you sent me. Cleaning ladies who came over and cleaned my place and were so sweet and I and thank you. I can't tell you how much like I'm just laying on a couch feeling like a fucking loser watching these people clean. I can't go out. I can't. You know what I mean? Like I would have loved to have been like, I'll let you ladies clean and I'll go out and do something. I'm just laying there like, ah, they're just cleaning around me and shit like, oh, God, this is terrible. So, thank you. Thank you so much.

• 1:06:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sad that I couldn't be there in person. I but I'm glad we could help from Texas. So I'm and I'm so happy that you're back and that you're with us today and you've got a new special. You've resurrected yourself. The phoenix has risen from the ashes.

• 1:06:25Speaker 18

  I'll lift and everything. I'm feeling everything.

• 1:06:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hamburglar rises.

• 1:06:30Speaker 18

  You went through it, man. You really went through it. We both did, Christina.

• 1:06:33Tom Segura?

  I did too. I got in misline.

• 1:06:36Speaker 18

  Hold on, man. I'm sorry. Yeah, man, that's.

• 1:06:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are you even talking about?

• 1:06:39Speaker 18

  That's gonna hurt your teeth.

• 1:06:40Tom Segura?

  The three of us did some shit.

• 1:06:41Speaker 18

  We did.

• 1:06:41Tom Segura?

  The three of us.

• 1:06:42Speaker 18

  Yeah, you know, we went through it. You had your spinal issue. You had cancer, but I my teeth were fucking. That shit sucked.

• 1:06:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:06:50Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:06:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you're okay now, right?

• 1:06:52Speaker 18

  You guys have the best fans. They they always treat me well. I want to say thank you to the mommies out there because I know you're gonna go watch. I know you're gonna fucking support like you always do, but I want to thank them too, because I see sometimes you guys put polls up and you're like, who's your favorite guest and everything? And I fucking go look because I'm competitive and these motherfuckers throw Ryan Sickler up way more than I thought. Yeah, and I'm like, oh, damn. All right. All right. So, thank you. Thank you all.

• 1:07:18Tom Segura?

  Check out the special.

• 1:07:19Speaker 18

  Thank you guys. Watch the special live and alive on my YouTube streaming now. Honeydew way back, RyanSickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Robble, roble. Robble, roble.

• 1:07:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  We do have the best fans, though. We're so hashtag blessed. There's nobody better than a mommy.

• 1:07:34Speaker 18

  Nope.

• 1:07:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're always fucking cool. We went to when we were in Florida. Shout out to Harrison.

• 1:07:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Our guy that hooked us up in our hotel.

• 1:07:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, the coolest.

• 1:07:43Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:07:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, we ended up hanging out with him at the end of the trip. Cause he's a mommy.

• 1:07:48Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 1:07:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's how you know right away. You're like, oh, you're fucking cool.

• 1:07:51Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:07:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause you like guys that lick pudding cups and you like to laugh at people that have severe mental illnesses.

• 1:07:56Tom Segura?

  Walked in and he's like, oh, this is, you know, the lobby, you can get your coffees over here. And he goes, Bert's pretty fat, huh? Hell, yeah, he slipped in it like that?

• 1:08:05Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:08:05Tom Segura?

  I was like, okay.

• 1:08:06Speaker 18

  I love it too, cause I'll go to like, uh, I'll go to a club and then somebody will come up to me or I'll have my daughter out with me at the mall and somebody come up like, oh, loved you on YMH, man. That guy tongue fucking those pudding cups. I'm like, thanks, guys. Appreciate that, mom.

• 1:08:23Speaker 18

  Last time my daughter came with me to promote the last special and you guys had her screening calls for Dr. Drew.

• 1:08:31Speaker 18

  She's like, dad, this same guy kept calling, using different voices, trying to trick us. So I was like, Jesus Christ. The Drew calls? That's what we're screening?

• 1:08:40Tom Segura?

  She's hit.

• 1:08:41Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:08:43Tom Segura?

  I got some, uh, horrible hilarious to show you.

• 1:08:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:08:47Tom Segura?

  You tell me what you think.

• 1:08:50Tom Segura?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:08:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck, dude.

• 1:08:58Speaker 18

  He's gonna be in the hospital like I was for three mobile weeks. Oh, shit.

• 1:09:03Tom Segura?

  Oh, that back's done.

• 1:09:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  His back, dude, you can't.

• 1:09:06Speaker 18

  Is he in a clan outfit? What's he, oh, he's a spaceman.

• 1:09:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's the Grand Wizard.

• 1:09:11Speaker 18

  It kinda looks like it.

• 1:09:12Tom Segura?

  Fuck.

• 1:09:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or is he a beekeeper?

• 1:09:14Tom Segura?

  He broke two vertebrae in his back.

• 1:09:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck. Once you start breaking back bits too, it's not good.

• 1:09:23Tom Segura?

  Here's the other thing.

• 1:09:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't break your back.

• 1:09:24Speaker 18

  Shit. No one loved that guy enough to say, okay, let's say you hit the ball perfectly. Where the, where are you going after that? Like, what's the plan then? Are you gonna try to just, you think you're just gonna casually like jump off and walk out of that? Or are you gonna flip like, there's no good ending to that.

• 1:09:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no pad for him to lay on. Can we see it again, please?

• 1:09:43Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:09:44Tom Segura?

  He didn't even touch the ball.

• 1:09:45Speaker 18

  He didn't.

• 1:09:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he fucking missed it, bro.

• 1:09:49Tom Segura?

  Okay, you ready? This guy walking in the back, look.

• 1:09:55Speaker 18

  She walks away. She's like, I gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of here.

• 1:10:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm a space invader.

• 1:10:05Speaker 18

  And this is where you lay that. I swallowed it. It wasn't that bad. I swallowed it. Right after that sound of a six out of 10.

• 1:10:16Speaker 18

  Okay.

• 1:10:19Speaker 18

  It's kind of hilarious if you do it like that.

• 1:10:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's the thing though. He's wearing like a kid's costume.

• 1:10:24Speaker 18

  Yeah, he was doing a bit. He was doing it as a bit. Yeah. Because that man.

• 1:10:30Speaker 18

  Oh, good. Oh, man. That's yeah, that's here.

• 1:10:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  You deserve it.

• 1:10:34Speaker 18

  He's going. Holy shit. That was horrible. He could have lost some weight anyway.

• 1:10:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your outfit's terrible and you're fat.

• 1:10:39Speaker 18

  That's what he's telling the guy right here over top of him. You're fat, man.

• 1:10:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Karl Lagerfeld comes to hell and he's like, you're fat, your outfit is terrible. You deserve everything you get.

• 1:10:51Speaker 18

  It's kind of making sense to me now, knowing you all these years. This has sort of been your inner voice, kind of.

• 1:10:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 1:10:57Speaker 18

  Really put it all to go.

• 1:10:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of cour- oh my God. Listen, when I was recovering from my last, my top surgery, you know, my last procedure.

• 1:11:04Speaker 18

  Not the brow lift.

• 1:11:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, this is after my brow lift, I had my tits redone, you know, from cancer. And then I got deep into him. And I was like, what is it about a German self-loathing, calls everybody fat, workaholic, OCD, asexual, homosexual? He's just a freak show. And at the time, I totally connected.

• 1:11:24Speaker 18

  That's who you connect to, huh?

• 1:11:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Self-loathing.

• 1:11:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. It really tickled me. You healed me. Lagerfeld's healed me. I can't explain it. Why do you resonate? Why do you think I resonated with Lagerfeld at that time? Maybe because he was a freak and I felt like a freak, having just had surgery, you know?

• 1:11:43Speaker 18

  Well, yeah, you're definitely not your normal self. I mean, if we're gonna talk about it for real for a second, like, parts of you that came into this world are no longer here.

• 1:11:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I'm an amputee.

• 1:11:52Speaker 18

  You're a different. I never even looked at it like that.

• 1:11:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what you are. You, you, yeah, you're an amputee.

• 1:11:57Speaker 18

  Are ladies who go through, uh?

• 1:11:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mastectomy, yeah.

• 1:11:59Speaker 18

  That's an amputee?

• 1:12:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're literally an amputee.

• 1:12:02Speaker 18

  I never looked at it. I always thought amputee would be just, just leg or limb. Yeah.

• 1:12:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, well, my therapist. Titties are, yeah, it's a part of your body that's no longer with you.

• 1:12:10Speaker 18

  I never thought of that either. Never even knew that. What if you get one?

• 1:12:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you jealous now?

• 1:12:15Speaker 18

  I mean, it's just kind of like, ugh.

• 1:12:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't think it's hot?

• 1:12:21Speaker 18

  I mean, it's gone. This stuff gone.

• 1:12:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but then I had my stomach fat made into my tits, so I have tits again. And I'm hot again.

• 1:12:29Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:12:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I got a tummy tuck. It was pretty cool.

• 1:12:31Speaker 18

  You look great. I told you those mommy makeovers are killer.

• 1:12:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're, they're great. Can I tell you, I used to be not against plastic surgery, but I wouldn't understand it. Now I'm like, go get it fixed. Go fucking, go get surgery. Fix it. You don't like your fat stomach? Make, make it nice.

• 1:12:45Speaker 18

  I love it. Men that are now doing it.

• 1:12:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, but not good. A lot of them are not good. You gotta pay for the good stuff.

• 1:12:51Speaker 18

  Notable actors that are getting it and you're like. It's gonna be a while before somebody finds the Demi Moore Kris Jenner plastic surgeon in the mail field. You know what I mean? It's gonna be a minute before they do that.

• 1:13:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, whoever's did Brad Pitt's face is good. You guys are friends with him? Just text him.

• 1:13:06Speaker 18

  Let me hit him up. He looks great. He, he. But there's other actors, we don't have to name them.

• 1:13:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, we don't.

• 1:13:11Speaker 18

  They don't look great. Yeah.

• 1:13:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, and it's fucked because if you have so much money, you should just pay for the best.

• 1:13:15Speaker 18

  I used to write promos for Dr. 90210. I was telling you this back in the day. And I hated it. I would cover my eyes and, and I'd be screaming with headphones on, just at my desk going, "No! No!" And they're like, "You watch Dr. 90210?" I'm like, "Yeah." I hated it. Yeah. The nose jobs were the brute. I had no, I didn't know how violent they are when you're out. The, the, the lipo.

• 1:13:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 1:13:39Speaker 18

  That's aggressive. I had no idea, but.

• 1:13:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I can't wait for that.

• 1:13:43Speaker 18

  And most of those guys were working, they were trying to fix a botched job. So they're coming in and they're like, "I'm gonna do the best I can for you." It was a lot of what I was seeing. But the mommy makeovers, every one of them, were so fucking well done, even back then, that I, I even told you when I was like, "Good for you," because that's the one surgery I saw again and again where I was like, "This consistently looks good."

• 1:14:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:09Speaker 18

  So, good for you.

• 1:14:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. That, my stomach is flat for the first time. And I have got boobs again because I put that fat into my chest and then now I have to go back for a revision and then I can probably light bone my thighs too.

• 1:14:21Speaker 18

  So yeah, that's why you, that's why you fucking, that's why you resonated with it. Cause you're like, look, man, I'm, I'm not the same person and all you can fuck yourself. It's two middle fingers from here on out. You're fat. Fuck you. You're fat. You're not fat anymore.

• 1:14:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, I'm like Eastbound and Down. What's his fucking name? That's why I feel like.

• 1:14:38Tom Segura?

  Kenny Powers?

• 1:14:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Kenny Powers. Yeah. I don't give a shit. I'm so broken.

• 1:14:48Speaker 18

  Oh God, no.

• 1:14:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Poor horse. Fuck the guy.

• 1:14:53Speaker 18

  This is back to back paralysations. That is fucking.

• 1:14:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is a horse, right?

• 1:14:58Tom Segura?

  Do you know what the aftermath says? They're stating that man is still alive. That's just it. Alive.

• 1:15:04Speaker 18

  Yeah. Sucking on a straw. Holy shit. What is a horse weigh? What's an average horse weigh?

• 1:15:11Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 1:15:12Speaker 18

  Is it 2,000 pounds?

• 1:15:13Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:15:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  10 tons?

• 1:15:15Speaker 18

  10 tons. A ton is 2,000 pounds.

• 1:15:18Tom Segura?

  What's the average weight of a grown ass horse?

• 1:15:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  6,000 pounds. They suck.

• 1:15:22Speaker 18

  Half a ton.

• 1:15:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. Cause they're evil.

• 1:15:24Speaker 18

  But, but all it's like that horse went up.

• 1:15:27Tom Segura?

  That's all it's weight.

• 1:15:28Speaker 18

  Ah, oh man. I used to do that to my brother when he'd jump on my back.

• 1:15:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look at that.

• 1:15:32Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah.

• 1:15:33Speaker 18

  Oh man, that horse did that before. That horse.

• 1:15:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because that horse wants to kill people. Horses are killers.

• 1:15:40Speaker 18

  That horse looked like it was geared up. Like, let me get a good foot.

• 1:15:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you know, the horse knew that the mud was slippery too.

• 1:15:47Tom Segura?

  The horse knew.

• 1:15:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  The horse knew and that's why I wanted to kill that man.

• 1:15:50Tom Segura?

  Slippery mud here.

• 1:15:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, the horses are, the horses.

• 1:15:53Speaker 18

  Wait, does it get, does that where it ends? Does he get up?

• 1:15:55Tom Segura?

  No, it just ends right there.

• 1:15:56Speaker 18

  We don't see how pu- pushed down in the muddy is. Dude, that guy's gotta have, he's gotta be covered.

• 1:16:02Tom Segura?

  Everything, everything.

• 1:16:03Speaker 18

  He's still alive, everybody.

• 1:16:04Tom Segura?

  He's alive. How's he doing? I said he's alive.

• 1:16:08Speaker 18

  Alive, yeah.

• 1:16:09Tom Segura?

  He's alive.

• 1:16:09Speaker 18

  Blessed day, he's alive, still breathing. Above ground, that's bullshit. Still above ground.

• 1:16:15Tom Segura?

  He's in the ground.

• 1:16:17Speaker 18

  We had to pull him out of the ground, he's above it.

• 1:16:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Half a ton of hor- and it slams on him.

• 1:16:22Tom Segura?

  Dead.

• 1:16:23Speaker 18

  And it's like of, yeah. With force, not just like, oh, a horse tipped over. With force.

• 1:16:28Tom Segura?

  He jumped up.

• 1:16:28Speaker 18

  Like it jumped, so that's even.

• 1:16:30Tom Segura?

  Like a WWE move.

• 1:16:32Speaker 18

  That's, that is 100% of wrestling move.

• 1:16:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  So all the bones are probably his ribs or shattered.

• 1:16:37Speaker 18

  Lung's probably collapsed.

• 1:16:38Tom Segura?

  Powder.

• 1:16:39Speaker 18

  That's what they call them now. Like your wig, a powder wig.

• 1:16:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, well, fuck him.

• 1:16:45Speaker 18

  That is fucking.

• 1:16:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stupid horse.

• 1:16:48Tom Segura?

  Alright, let me help you out.

• 1:16:49Speaker 18

  Oh, no!

• 1:16:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  No!

• 1:16:51Speaker 18

  Is it solder? Oh shit, that thing's going.

• 1:16:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, Jesus.

• 1:16:56Speaker 18

  What's he doing? He's trying to hold a tree. Oh shit.

• 1:17:00Tom Segura?

  What the fuck?

• 1:17:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did the chainsaw cut her?

• 1:17:03Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:17:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Was it chainsaw moving?

• 1:17:04Speaker 18

  That's what it looked like.

• 1:17:05Tom Segura?

  No, because it, when it swung, it has a.

• 1:17:08Speaker 18

  Emergency cut off?

• 1:17:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, cut off.

• 1:17:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, that's what I was worried about.

• 1:17:11Speaker 18

  That guy does not look like he'd have a chainsaw with an emergency cut off. You know what I mean? This guy looks like, I got a vest in the car, I can cut this down.

• 1:17:17Tom Segura?

  Holy shit. No one got hurt in this one.

• 1:17:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, please.

• 1:17:20Tom Segura?

  It, that's what it says. No, no injuries.

• 1:17:22Speaker 18

  No electricity, I was waiting for that thing to light up.

• 1:17:24Tom Segura?

  I know, I was really waiting for like, everyone to die. I thought that's what we were gonna see.

• 1:17:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was like a fake out.

• 1:17:30Tom Segura?

  I saw one the other day. I saw a torture video the other day on Instagram. Bro.

• 1:17:35Speaker 18

  This is your husband.

• 1:17:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you watching this?

• 1:17:36Speaker 18

  Listen, your husband sends me, my fucking Twitter feed, my, excuse me, Instagram feed is literally people getting murdered.

• 1:17:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I don't.

• 1:17:45Speaker 18

  Day to day, somebody walking up like, this YN shooting at this cop. And I'm like, what the fuck? This old lady in the grocery store is shooting this guy with a fucking flare gun in the face. I'm like, Jesus. It's every day.

• 1:17:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe, what do you think my life is with this psychopath? I'm, I'm drifting off to sleep the other night and I, I wake up a little bit to this part of the Ed Gein news story on Netflix where, I'm sure it's a spoiler alert, all you fucking sickos that are watching this show, where he's wearing his mommy's lingerie and masturbating? And I'm like, this is what you're putting in your head before you go sleep.

• 1:18:18Speaker 18

  Just as you drift along.

• 1:18:20Tom Segura?

  He's in, he's in the bra and panties, he's like, oh, joking himself.

• 1:18:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's laughing. Look at him, lol.

• 1:18:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's so fucking dark, I can't. Why do you like this? I just can't get it, man. And always before bed, right? And then, and then during the day, he's sending you things of people being murdered.

• 1:18:40Speaker 18

  Oh.

• 1:18:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  So it's 24/7.

• 1:18:42Speaker 18

  Dying on carnival rides, murders.

• 1:18:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not just nighttime. Now, this is, now it's clicking for me.

• 1:18:48Speaker 18

  I'm worried, I'm gonna, I've seen some of this already, but I haven't. These are all good.

• 1:18:51Tom Segura?

  These are all good.

• 1:18:52Speaker 18

  Honestly, no offense, Tom would have never sent me this one right here. No, nothing happened.

• 1:18:56Tom Segura?

  Nothing happened.

• 1:18:56Speaker 18

  This is one he would never send.

• 1:18:58Tom Segura?

  Let me tell you something, it could be worse. He could send you worse shit.

• 1:19:02Speaker 18

  He does.

• 1:19:03Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:19:03Speaker 18

  He does.

• 1:19:04Tom Segura?

  And he's talking about stuff that gets him fired up. And it's not everybody.

• 1:19:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  So you have different categories.

• 1:19:09Tom Segura?

  He has a whole different category.

• 1:19:10Speaker 18

  Do you remember the time I was featuring for you in Indianapolis? Do you remember this?

• 1:19:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I thought you were gonna say India. I was like, you guys went to India?

• 1:19:17Speaker 18

  At Cracker's.

• 1:19:18Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:19:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:19:19Speaker 18

  And we shared a condo together. And you're like, hey, check this out. Do you remember this?

• 1:19:25Tom Segura?

  What was it?

• 1:19:26Speaker 18

  And we sat down on a couch side by side, and you put a laptop in front of me. And it starts with just a glass.

• 1:19:33Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:34Speaker 18

  I'm just watching like, what the fuck? And then this guy comes in.

• 1:19:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:39Speaker 18

  And you know what?

• 1:19:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, well, and he sits on it. You think I didn't live with this guy?

• 1:19:43Speaker 18

  And then it breaks.

• 1:19:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:19:45Speaker 18

  And he's...

• 1:19:46Tom Segura?

  Pulling pieces.

• 1:19:47Speaker 18

  Audio is on. He's pulling shards out casually.

• 1:19:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:52Speaker 18

  And if you look, he's got scars everywhere.

• 1:19:54Tom Segura?

  Everywhere.

• 1:19:54Speaker 18

  It's not his first rodeo. And I'm just screaming.

• 1:19:57Tom Segura?

  And so much blood.

• 1:19:57Speaker 18

  Jesus, blood. Like, if that was me, I'm calling 911. Not this guy. You hear the glass hitting the floor. And the whole time, what I don't know is, he's recording a reaction video. And I didn't know that. That was big, that was, remember Two Girls, One Cup? But then the reaction videos got super popular.

• 1:20:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  He did it to me, too. This is all eight.

• 1:20:15Speaker 18

  And I'm just screaming like, what the fuck?

• 1:20:17Tom Segura?

  I did that, I did that same video to my dad when I was out visiting them. I have my dad watching, and he was like, oh, shit.

• 1:20:26Tom Segura?

  It's like, I don't know.

• 1:20:27Speaker 18

  Oh, no.

• 1:20:28Tom Segura?

  Damn, what the hell's wrong with this guy? And then I did it to, I did it to my sisters that they all, they both flipped out. I don't think I did it to Charo.

• 1:20:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  You did it to Charo.

• 1:20:36Tom Segura?

  Did I do it to Charo?

• 1:20:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  You did it to Charo. You did it in Florida. I remember we were in Florida.

• 1:20:41Tom Segura?

  That's not a good one for her.

• 1:20:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, no. Ryan, he shows me that when we were living in our like shitty one bedroom apartment. We were newlyweds and I was like, did I? Yeah. I'm like, did I just marry the fucking craziest person? I'm tied to you for life now.

• 1:20:55Speaker 18

  And then you go in and the juxtaposition is John Goodman's over the shitter. He's so great. Well, this is why you guys are meant to be together right there.

• 1:21:01Tom Segura?

  That's right.

• 1:21:02Speaker 18

  That's why you're meant to be together.

• 1:21:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, thanks.

• 1:21:04Tom Segura?

  How about this one? I got one more for you.

• 1:21:07Tom Segura?

  Uh oh.

• 1:21:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh oh. Oh, I know it's good.

• 1:21:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:21:11Speaker 18

  Oh, my God, that fell on.

• 1:21:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just too fat, obviously.

• 1:21:16Tom Segura?

  She's hurt. The girl under got hurt.

• 1:21:19Speaker 18

  She's concussed and like her neck, let's see that again.

• 1:21:23Tom Segura?

  That's probably.

• 1:21:24Speaker 18

  She had heart is fuck on that wall.

• 1:21:26Tom Segura?

  The one underneath broke her leg. She broke her leg.

• 1:21:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:21:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see it again. Let's see it again.

• 1:21:32Tom Segura?

  That's like 360 just dropping on you, bro.

• 1:21:34Speaker 18

  That's like the horse again.

• 1:21:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I was gonna say. And so she gets smacked in the top.

• 1:21:40Speaker 18

  Oh, there's the leg break.

• 1:21:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was the break.

• 1:21:41Speaker 18

  Ah, I saw it that time.

• 1:21:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was the angle.

• 1:21:48Speaker 18

  What was the prize for this game? This lady got fucked up so bad.

• 1:21:53Tom Segura?

  She also like clearly you, you didn't get the chair. Like she straight up just fucking knocked somebody out of the chair.

• 1:21:59Speaker 18

  I think if, if it was just these two ladies left, she ain't getting on that chair. You know what I'm saying? Like, why are you fighting for it? You weren't fitting on it. If you go back and watch again, watch, she hits the blue lady first and that lady's like, ow. See, go back to the beginning of it again.

• 1:22:12Tom Segura?

  Right here?

• 1:22:13Speaker 18

  I think she tries to get on this chair. Watch the lady in the blue. Looks like she gets like squeezed. Oh, see? Looks like she leaned in her, oh. God, that leg is gone.

• 1:22:22Tom Segura?

  You hear the scream there. That scream is her leg breaking.

• 1:22:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  How pissed are you? How fucking mad are you?

• 1:22:30Tom Segura?

  At your fat friend?

• 1:22:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  This fat bitch fucking, do you know what I mean?

• 1:22:32Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:22:33Speaker 18

  If there's any time to channel that fucking inner voice. My God, could you imagine if she just switched that voice like you fat piece of shit?

• 1:22:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  You fat piece of shit.

• 1:22:46Speaker 18

  You fat piece of shit.

• 1:22:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bro, I don't think I could be friends with somebody that broke my leg like that. I would have to be like, we're done, we're done, homie. Well, like you fucked up my, you broke my leg, bro. Like for a fucking musical chairs for 40.

• 1:22:58Speaker 18

  You could be friends with somebody that was in regular shape, that took any game like that, that aggressively, that broke your fucking leg, let alone 400 pounds coming down on that.

• 1:23:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  My little kids take this game this seriously, like two, three adult women.

• 1:23:12Speaker 18

  Does she get up after that?

• 1:23:14Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 1:23:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  No way.

• 1:23:15Tom Segura?

  This just, yeah.

• 1:23:16Speaker 18

  This looks like a church hallway and shit too.

• 1:23:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god, these people are nerds, they deserve it.

• 1:23:21Tom Segura?

  These chicks should know not to play with her too. You don't play games like that with someone that big. Like, no, no, no, you're the champ. That's what you tell her. This is the champ right here, we don't ever even play with her.

• 1:23:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what the other problem is with these fingerless gloves? Is that your palms sweat, but the tips stay dry. I'm not sure if he liked that.

• 1:23:39Speaker 18

  That might be the, the loop, you know what I mean? The fucking Miyagi right there.

• 1:23:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, cuz it's creating moisture in places I don't, I'm not used to.

• 1:23:48Speaker 08

  I'm Ryan and I was thinking to myself, damn, I have a high sex drive like a bunny rabbit. Only problem is, I got no one to fuck.

• 1:23:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the only problem.

• 1:23:59Tom Segura?

  That's it.

• 1:24:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the only problem. Everything else is awesome.

• 1:24:04Speaker 18

  Great, man.

• 1:24:05Tom Segura?

  Everything's cool, except for that.

• 1:24:07Speaker 08

  I'm Ryan and I want to be recognized by some of the hottest women here on Instagram.

• 1:24:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, cool.

• 1:24:13Speaker 08

  So, spread the word.

• 1:24:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got it.

• 1:24:16Tom Segura?

  I would turn the volume down on the TV if you're doing the videos, yeah. Yeah, but Ryan's doing his thing, man.

• 1:24:22Speaker 18

  He's doing all right. I mean, it's, listen, last time I was here, he loved black chicks, right?

• 1:24:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's right.

• 1:24:29Speaker 18

  And these are two back to back videos where he doesn't mention it, so has he moved on?

• 1:24:33Tom Segura?

  I don't know. If you get, you know, burned enough, maybe sometimes you go, I have a new reference.

• 1:24:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know though, I, hey, hot take, men generally like what they like. They don't deviate, do they? I thought your, your boner is just programmed for what it likes.

• 1:24:49Tom Segura?

  True.

• 1:24:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you switch what your boner wants?

• 1:24:51Speaker 18

  I don't think you could switch what your boner wants, but I don't think everyone's boner is the same.

• 1:24:57Tom Segura?

  Forever.

• 1:24:57Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:24:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, your boner, your boner can evolve.

• 1:25:00Speaker 18

  Well, it needs to, because if you're a teenager. Well, I mean.

• 1:25:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, right. I see what you're saying.

• 1:25:05Speaker 18

  Your boner better evolve.

• 1:25:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I'm saying, like, can you go from liking black women your whole life and then one day you wake up and you're like, you know what? It's Asians. I'm actually into Asians.

• 1:25:15Speaker 18

  I mean, I guess you could.

• 1:25:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  But is that what happens?

• 1:25:18Tom Segura?

  What if he starts getting some attention from a group, then he goes, oh, maybe I am into it, just because he's getting the attention, you know?

• 1:25:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, so it's just whatever's available?

• 1:25:28Speaker 18

  I just, I never understood any man that was like, I'm not really into black girls or Asians or whatever. I'm like, look at yourself.

• 1:25:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:36Speaker 18

  Why are you eliminating the pool for yourself? You know what I mean? Like, nah, I just need a, a blonde lady that's, you know, five, six.

• 1:25:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Size zero to two, elderly.

• 1:25:45Speaker 18

  Why, why are we doing that?

• 1:25:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 1:25:47Speaker 18

  I think for me, it's, I don't know, personality is a huge thing, obviously. That's, that's the best part. And then, you know, I don't know, I've been with

• 1:25:57Speaker 18

  different ladies that

• 1:25:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Different types.

• 1:25:59Speaker 18

  Different types.

• 1:26:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't have like one aesthetic type, I'm just saying, personality aside, like one aesthetic type.

• 1:26:05Speaker 18

  A look, no.

• 1:26:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  That your boner just goes, yep.

• 1:26:08Speaker 18

  No.

• 1:26:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's my look.

• 1:26:09Speaker 18

  No. Like, uh, like, oh, Dominicans are my thing. No.

• 1:26:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:14Speaker 18

  No.

• 1:26:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  What about you, boner killer?

• 1:26:16Tom Segura?

  No, I mean, boners, you know, they're, they're just like different treats in the night, you know?

• 1:26:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Different treats in the night, huh?

• 1:26:23Tom Segura?

  You just pick up a treat and you're like, oh, I got a boner. Yeah.

• 1:26:26Speaker 18

  But we'll get your dick hard, Carl.

• 1:26:28Tom Segura?

  What about you, Carl?

• 1:26:29Speaker 18

  Well, it's you, Carl.

• 1:26:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like dandies. He had a little dandy boyfriend, this cute little French kid.

• 1:26:36Tom Segura?

  You think you'd be into that?

• 1:26:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, no, you know, I, no, touffé.

• 1:26:40Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:26:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, I like whatever Tom is. Like, I like kinda

• 1:26:44Speaker 18

  Well, can I, can I bring this up?

• 1:26:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meat sticks.

• 1:26:46Speaker 18

  You can cut this out if you want to. You, you say that, though, but prior to Tom, I believe you dated an Asian guy, did you not?

• 1:26:52Tom Segura?

  For five years.

• 1:26:53Speaker 18

  Oh, was, I see, I didn't know it was that long. So, so.

• 1:26:56Tom Segura?

  Big na?

• 1:26:57Speaker 18

  But did you date Tom's type prior to the Asian guy? Like, what was your high school type?

• 1:27:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, yes, yes, yes.

• 1:27:03Speaker 18

  Were you goth guys then, though?

• 1:27:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, goth guys.

• 1:27:05Speaker 18

  Was that it, though? You know, like, I gotta have a goth boyfriend? Or would you have gone with a jock, even though you were a goth?

• 1:27:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would never go with a jock.

• 1:27:13Speaker 18

  Cafe bitch nigga.

• 1:27:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  My aesthetic type, here's what I like. Blue eyes, I always liked blue eyes. That was always what I was a sucker for. Dark hair, I don't like fucking blondes. Well, that's different, yeah. Um, aesthetically, and then, but the personality, I'm like you, where personality trumps all. So I don't, I didn't, it's not the package. It's, it's not the case, it's the whole thing for me.

• 1:27:40Speaker 18

  Yeah, I'm way over being like, oh, that, that lady's hot. That lady's a fucking asshole.

• 1:27:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:46Speaker 18

  You know what I mean? Like, I don't even give a shit.

• 1:27:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, because I think as a woman too, you're, you're, you're blessed to be selective, right? Especially if you're somewhat attractive woman, you've got your, you pick. And I knew the boys that were really, really like traditionally good-looking were players. Like the guys that had the game and everything, I just didn't trust them.

• 1:28:06Speaker 18

  Personality does trump everything, though.

• 1:28:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure.

• 1:28:09Speaker 18

  Always.

• 1:28:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause every, beauty fades.

• 1:28:11Speaker 18

  I probably shouldn't say this.

• 1:28:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure.

• 1:28:13Speaker 18

  Um, being the Hamburglar, but I do prefer cheeseburgers. If I'm being honest. I probably shouldn't say it, ruin my whole brand, but rabble rabble. Yeah, yeah. That's my type.

• 1:28:23Speaker 14

  So, I have just arrived at Cafe Bich Nigga in Florida.

• 1:28:29Speaker 18

  Is that real?

• 1:28:30Speaker 14

  It's Vietnamese food, and I'm very excited for what's to come.

• 1:28:35Speaker 14

  So when you first walk in, you know, it's actually very clean. Like, it doesn't give, you know, Cafe Bich Nigga. Is that the bitch nigga menu?

• 1:28:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  It doesn't give.

• 1:28:49Speaker 14

  Hi.

• 1:28:49Speaker 21

  Hi, how are you?

• 1:28:50Speaker 14

  Can I ask you, how do you pronounce the name of the cafe?

• 1:28:55Speaker 21

  The Cafe Bich Nigga.

• 1:28:56Speaker 14

  Um, are these like the little pants?

• 1:29:00Speaker 21

  Yes, I can give you that for free. This is our name, Cafe Bich Nigga.

• 1:29:07Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 1:29:08Speaker 18

  Have you seen The College Kid? With the last name?

• 1:29:12Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, Noah?

• 1:29:13Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:29:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:14Speaker 18

  Have you seen that?

• 1:29:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:29:15Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:29:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:16Speaker 18

  That guy's gonna, he's gonna have some merchandise.

• 1:29:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  What? Tell me.

• 1:29:19Tom Segura?

  He has merch already.

• 1:29:20Speaker 18

  He does?

• 1:29:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:21Speaker 18

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:29:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, what is it?

• 1:29:22Tom Segura?

  It's a, it's a, his last name is K-N-I-G-G-A. There he is.

• 1:29:29Speaker 18

  There he is.

• 1:29:29Tom Segura?

  He's a white guy.

• 1:29:30Speaker 18

  He's a white guy.

• 1:29:31Tom Segura?

  Apparently he balls out, too.

• 1:29:32Speaker 18

  He's good.

• 1:29:33Tom Segura?

  He's linebacker, yeah.

• 1:29:33Speaker 18

  He's decent.

• 1:29:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah. There he is.

• 1:29:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'd think you'd change the last.

• 1:29:37Speaker 18

  You'd think you would. I'm sure you don't pronounce it like that, like.

• 1:29:41Tom Segura?

  You're supposed to say the K.

• 1:29:42Speaker 18

  Yeah. This is one of the versions where the K is not silent.

• 1:29:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:46Speaker 18

  You know what I mean? This is not Knight.

• 1:29:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's definitely.

• 1:29:50Speaker 18

  K-N-I-G-H-T.

• 1:29:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm, I'm gonna take a rough, I think, a guess and just say he's in the South, which is why no one.

• 1:29:56Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:29:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  That wouldn't happen in California.

• 1:29:58Tom Segura?

  I don't think so. Where is he from? What's a?

• 1:30:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Eastern Michigan.

• 1:30:04Tom Segura?

  See? There was a, a, a kind of a, a popular meme when he was getting recruited that, um, people would say like, you know, we need to beef up our defense. And then they would tag him and they'd go, I think I Noah.

• 1:30:19Speaker 18

  Nigga.

• 1:30:20Tom Segura?

  And then they would post that on there.

• 1:30:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah!

• 1:30:23Speaker 18

  Yeah. Is that right?

• 1:30:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah, Noah, against like, it's, it's kind of perfect, yeah. Yeah. Oh, he's at Eastern Michigan.

• 1:30:30Speaker 18

  Oh, yeah. Oh, he's a Spartan. He's a Spartan.

• 1:30:34Tom Segura?

  That's pretty wild, dude.

• 1:30:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, bro.

• 1:30:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He's from, he's from Lawrenceburg, Indiana.

• 1:30:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Everybody knows him in college ball, man. Everybody knows him.

• 1:30:47Tom Segura?

  That's amazing.

• 1:30:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's pronounced, I don't even want to say it.

• 1:30:53Tom Segura?

  K.

• 1:30:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nay.

• 1:30:55Speaker 18

  Nay is in the middle.

• 1:30:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Os Nam Kanega. I, I don't see the A.

• 1:30:59Tom Segura?

  Athletes family have clarified despite the penalty, is not pronounced like that. It is hard K, Kanega.

• 1:31:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nam.

• 1:31:07Speaker 18

  Nah.

• 1:31:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is a lie. What in what fucking language?

• 1:31:10Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah, it's that, it's that so that you can get through life. Yeah, that's why they changed it.

• 1:31:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Kanega.

• 1:31:15Speaker 18

  His dad is going through this his whole life. Could you imagine meeting Tom and that's his last name?

• 1:31:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:31:21Speaker 18

  You're like, god damn.

• 1:31:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wouldn't date.

• 1:31:22Speaker 18

  Gotta fucking marry this guy.

• 1:31:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wouldn't. I'd be like, we gotta change it.

• 1:31:26Speaker 18

  Dark hair, though.

• 1:31:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:31:27Speaker 18

  I know.

• 1:31:28Tom Segura?

  Kanay?

• 1:31:31Tom Segura?

  Just call him Noah Nya. Noah Nya.

• 1:31:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:34Tom Segura?

  I'm Noah Nya.

• 1:31:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Noah Nya.

• 1:31:35Tom Segura?

  A big Nya.

• 1:31:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Noah Kanania.

• 1:31:38Speaker 10

  What can I say? I, I understand Hitler.

• 1:31:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ooh.

• 1:31:45Speaker 10

  But I, I, I, I, I think he did some wrong things. Yes, absolutely. But, but, but I, I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end.

• 1:31:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's like, what?

• 1:31:59Speaker 10

  There will come a point at the, at the end of this. Oh, I really wanted to be a Jew and I, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi.

• 1:32:08Tom Segura?

  Nice. That's Lars von Trier, everybody.

• 1:32:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow. Oh, I didn't realize.

• 1:32:12Speaker 18

  What the hell is that?

• 1:32:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know what's-

• 1:32:13Speaker 18

  Is that a film?

• 1:32:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's at Cannes.

• 1:32:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Melancholia, yeah. That's an old, that's an old movie.

• 1:32:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's an old one. Wow.

• 1:32:19Tom Segura?

  What can I say? I bet I understand Hitler.

• 1:32:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's like, she's like, please stop.

• 1:32:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:24Speaker 18

  She's like, I'm in this movie. I'm sitting right next to you. This is Mike Myers with Kanye when he's like, George Bush hates black people.

• 1:32:31Tom Segura?

  There's a point at the end.

• 1:32:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't, nobody needs it.

• 1:32:34Speaker 18

  What's that point?

• 1:32:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't have to share your thoughts.

• 1:32:38Tom Segura?

  What's the point?

• 1:32:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  But this movie came out-

• 1:32:39Tom Segura?

  The point is I found out I'm a Nazi.

• 1:32:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it's Kirsten Dunst. I'm sitting next to him. Poor girl. She's like, could you shut the fuck up? And she's German, too.

• 1:32:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah. His latest announcement, "I'm a Nazi and I understand Hitler." He also jokingly claimed he was writing a four-hour-long hardcore porn film.

• 1:32:58Tom Segura?

  It would be said it contained a lot of very, very unpleasant sex. The Nazi remarks were jestingly made in response to a question about his German roots. It would probably spell career suicide if uttered outside the rarefied atmosphere of the Cannes Film Festival and indeed may yet.

• 1:33:13Speaker 18

  Okay.

• 1:33:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just don't say it.

• 1:33:14Speaker 18

  Also, go fuck yourself with the rarefied. So, so the Cannes Film Festival's where we can say whatever the fuck we want now, all of a sudden? Not comedy clubs or internet or anywhere else. Now, now we gotta go there to fucking be racist and fucking garbage?

• 1:33:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know where the French are, though. They're all so open about everything. The French.

• 1:33:32Tom Segura?

  The French.

• 1:33:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  They let all those sex offenders go live there.

• 1:33:35Tom Segura?

  Um, I don't know. How, how long are you in Austin for?

• 1:33:37Speaker 18

  I'm leaving tonight.

• 1:33:38Tom Segura?

  Well, you know, you still have time to go by the Dollar Tree if you want to check that out. There's, um-

• 1:33:42Speaker 18

  There's one, a good one here?

• 1:33:43Tom Segura?

  There's a good one here. Yeah, it's right over-

• 1:33:44Speaker 07

  I was shit on the ground. Besides, I pressed the button to make me shit. You caught my tracks. I have diabetes. I'm calling the police. Fucking shit in the middle of the fucking night. Shot in the center. Get the fuck out, man. Yeah, ratchet, man.

• 1:34:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where is the shit?

• 1:34:02Tom Segura?

  It's on the walkway there.

• 1:34:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:34:06Tom Segura?

  Right near footlocker there.

• 1:34:11Speaker 18

  Yeah. Did she say, "I pushed the button and it made me shit. I have diabetes. I'm calling the police." That's a hell of a run right there, dude.

• 1:34:26Speaker 18

  Bitch, go inside and get some dollar toilet paper and wipe your fucking ass.

• 1:34:31Tom Segura?

  I work for the government.

• 1:34:33Speaker 18

  Right there by Subway. She said I work for the government.

• 1:34:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Unreal.

• 1:34:39Speaker 18

  These are the people.

• 1:34:42Tom Segura?

  I pushed the button. It made me... I don't... What's the logic there?

• 1:34:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which button makes her shit?

• 1:34:46Tom Segura?

  I don't understand.

• 1:34:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's the shit button?

• 1:34:49Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 1:34:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  The door button?

• 1:34:51Tom Segura?

  I don't understand.

• 1:34:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which button makes her shit, huh?

• 1:34:56Speaker 18

  Smelling like fricka caca?

• 1:34:59Speaker 18

  Have you ever really gotten close to one in public?

• 1:35:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:02Speaker 18

  Dangerously close to one?

• 1:35:03Tom Segura?

  To a shit?

• 1:35:04Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:35:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:05Speaker 18

  You have? Sure.

• 1:35:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, shitting myself?

• 1:35:07Speaker 18

  I mean, like, where you gotta do, like, a lady like that.

• 1:35:11Tom Segura?

  Close.

• 1:35:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, what do you mean? Like, where you took a shit and someone caught you?

• 1:35:15Tom Segura?

  Like, you're almost about to shit.

• 1:35:16Speaker 18

  Or you shit in public. Have you ever had to?

• 1:35:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I...

• 1:35:19Speaker 18

  I mean, I've sharted.

• 1:35:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've sharted.

• 1:35:21Speaker 18

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:35:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  On a plane. I sharted on a plane, on a plane to Africa, because I had tacos at the Atlanta airport.

• 1:35:28Tom Segura?

  How long's the flight? Sixteen hours?

• 1:35:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Eighty hours.

• 1:35:30Speaker 18

  How early into it did you shart?

• 1:35:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was right after the dinner service, and we were gonna take a nap, and I just... Yeah, I just sharted, and then I was like, "Fuck, dude," and I went in the bathroom. But thankfully, I had an extra pair of underwear and my carry-on, because I was a seasoned traveler. And you never just check it all in. So I had an extra underwear, and I was okay on the way to Africa. But don't eat tacos on an international flight. If I could suggest one thing to you today...

• 1:35:57Tom Segura?

  She went to the international terminal pre... about to board a fifteen-hour flight from Atlanta to Johannesburg. And she's like, "You wanna get tacos?" I was like, "I'm good. I'm pretty good right now." And she was like, "Those tacos, mm." An hour later, she's like, I shit myself.

• 1:36:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I shit myself on the plane, yeah. But that's why you should always take an extra pair of chonges and sweatpants on the plane.

• 1:36:24Tom Segura?

  You'd actually, that's a really good thing.

• 1:36:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's true. And I'm flying like that.

• 1:36:27Tom Segura?

  Shout out to Jeff Tate. I travel with wet wipes all the time now.

• 1:36:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's huge.

• 1:36:31Tom Segura?

  The first wet wipe person I really encountered in life was actually you. You were the one who taught me back in like in Sherman Oaks. I was like, you're like, oh yeah, you think you're clean. This is how you fucking know you're clean. And then I was just like, okay. But then every time I was on the road with Tate, if I was like, I got to the venue, I was like, I think I gotta shit. He'd reach in his bag, he'd go, here you go. And I go, what? He's like, don't you want wipes? And I was like, oh yeah. And then it finally took a few times before I started traveling with them.

• 1:36:57Speaker 18

  It's a little travel. I dated a girl from Argentina years and years.

• 1:37:02Tom Segura?

  I remember this.

• 1:37:02Speaker 18

  And she was the one that told me that. And she said the same thing to me. She goes, you think your ass is clean? Go in there and take one of these baby wipes. And I was like, oh my god. All these years, why are we using dry fucking paper? People say it all the time. If you had shit on your arm, you wouldn't take a dry napkin and just do that?

• 1:37:21Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:37:21Speaker 18

  It'd be like, I'm good for the day.

• 1:37:22Tom Segura?

  I'm good now.

• 1:37:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:37:24Tom Segura?

  My ass itches a little bit, but I'm good.

• 1:37:25Speaker 18

  Yeah. So yeah, baby wipes all the way, man. Hell yeah.

• 1:37:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, we are a Toto Washlet household exclusively. I like the spray in my ass.

• 1:37:34Speaker 18

  I get that too, but I spray and I baby wipe after.

• 1:37:37Tom Segura?

  Well, there's nice scent to it.

• 1:37:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's crazy. Cause here's the deal, man.

• 1:37:40Tom Segura?

  Cause you know someone's face can be.

• 1:37:42Speaker 18

  I used to work a job one time, a writing job, and we didn't have any, we had one toilet and it was a small thing and everyone knew who was going. And I was like, I can't sit here all day with shit in my ass. And we didn't have baby wipes. So I swear to god, I would use, I think your dad used them, the Lysol wipes?

• 1:37:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:37:59Speaker 18

  Oh, I would take those with bleach on them and get back there and clean my ass.

• 1:38:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bleach? You're not supposed to.

• 1:38:04Tom Segura?

  You're definitely not.

• 1:38:06Speaker 18

  It tingles. It's a tingle.

• 1:38:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not supposed to.

• 1:38:08Speaker 18

  But it's a different tingle than a shit tingle. I'll tell you that. It's definitely a different.

• 1:38:11Tom Segura?

  It makes you feel alive.

• 1:38:12Speaker 18

  It's good.

• 1:38:13Tom Segura?

  It's like smelling salts. You're like, woo.

• 1:38:15Speaker 18

  It's like a little firecracker to the ass.

• 1:38:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  But don't the wipes clog your plumbing?

• 1:38:20Speaker 18

  I have a trash can. They hundred, they hundred percent clog. Even the ones they say aren't.

• 1:38:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, you put, hold on. No, no, no. Listen to what he just fucking said.

• 1:38:27Speaker 18

  No, you, you don't forget who you're talking to.

• 1:38:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bro, you take the shit wipe.

• 1:38:32Speaker 18

  Gets wrapped in a bunch of good wipes. We're throwing, we're wasting wipes.

• 1:38:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:38:36Speaker 18

  So that when it goes in the can, it's not shit right in your fucking, what kind of animal are you?

• 1:38:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Whoa, is this like Mexico? You know, when they, when you go to Mexico and they're like, don't flush the toilet paper down the fucking sewer.

• 1:38:49Tom Segura?

  That's a little different.

• 1:38:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then you got your shitty ass toilet paper next to you.

• 1:38:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but you have it in a can.

• 1:38:52Speaker 18

  It's in a trash can with a lid that closes.

• 1:38:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know, Ryan. I'm not into this now.

• 1:38:58Tom Segura?

  You're trying to reason with an unreasonable person.

• 1:39:00Speaker 18

  You're flushing them?

• 1:39:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would never flush it in my own plumbing. Hold on, but when I travel, I don't give a shit.

• 1:39:05Speaker 18

  I'm throwing everything in the toilet I travel. I'll flush in match packs. You know what I'm saying? I don't care. I'm just going, man, they got torque on this one.

• 1:39:11Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:39:12Speaker 18

  My toilet could never do that. Yeah. I'm talking about at your home only.

• 1:39:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, not at my home.

• 1:39:18Speaker 18

  So what do you do with them then?

• 1:39:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't use the, the vet wipe in my own house.

• 1:39:22Speaker 18

  Oh, you're saying the water is this.

• 1:39:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have the washlet and then I take a dry.

• 1:39:25Speaker 18

  I see. Oh, oh.

• 1:39:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then, but when we travel and there's no.

• 1:39:28Speaker 18

  What do you do with the dry? Just throw it in the hamper?

• 1:39:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you put it in the toilet to dry shitty, the dry, and you, you flush that down.

• 1:39:35Speaker 18

  Oh, you're just taking dry toilet paper, not a dry.

• 1:39:37Tom Segura?

  But after your ass has been sprayed down.

• 1:39:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  For a long time.

• 1:39:40Tom Segura?

  You do a full cycle.

• 1:39:41Speaker 18

  You're not taking a dry washcloth or anything like that.

• 1:39:46Tom Segura?

  Brown.

• 1:39:47Speaker 18

  You wouldn't.

• 1:39:49Tom Segura?

  Like you're sweating.

• 1:39:50Speaker 18

  Listen, I color coordinated this one. I've traveled with.

• 1:39:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've traveled with your washcloth?

• 1:39:56Speaker 18

  No, this one I did.

• 1:39:57Tom Segura?

  You know what was a game changer for me though?

• 1:40:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're so gross.

• 1:40:00Tom Segura?

  So I would like get on the pores for washcloth use and then it became such a, well, it became such a conversation that everyone was like, well, you know, try it, try it. Dude, on the road, every hotel that I am in now, I get into the shower with a washcloth. I use it for the body.

• 1:40:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so gross, man.

• 1:40:19Tom Segura?

  The exfoliating and it feels good and you feel clean. But the main thing is you take a white washcloth, you shove it up inside of your asshole. You scrub and then you pull it out and you see brown and you watch the brown come off the washcloth and then you do it again.

• 1:40:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:40:34Tom Segura?

  No color. And then you throw it on the ground and somebody picks it up for you.

• 1:40:38Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:40:38Tom Segura?

  Lay it right there.

• 1:40:39Speaker 18

  It's really great. And now you feel like you have a real clean ass. Here's the other thing about washcloths. This one, this is a nice one.

• 1:40:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:45Speaker 18

  I don't like these. I like the cheaper.

• 1:40:48Tom Segura?

  That are rougher.

• 1:40:50Speaker 18

  Yeah, it's a better, you get a better grip, you get a better wash.

• 1:40:53Tom Segura?

  They're actually clean.

• 1:40:54Speaker 18

  Like, I'm talking about the ones that you can get on Amazon, like thirty of them for two dollars.

• 1:40:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:58Speaker 18

  That's not these fuckers. This comes in like a set.

• 1:41:01Tom Segura?

  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, you poors were on to something, because I really learned.

• 1:41:06Speaker 18

  You know what else I got into now? I get the mitts, the exfoliating mitts.

• 1:41:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Those are nice. Those are nice.

• 1:41:11Speaker 18

  Man, I get out like to touch myself. You know what I mean?

• 1:41:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, but may I suggest something to you, Tom?

• 1:41:17Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:41:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is not a criticism, but I'm just saying that you can get your one cloth, you put it in your ass, the brown is there. Then you can dispose of that dirty one and just grab a new, fresh one, because you're at the hotel. You don't need to rinse it out, the brown, and then go up again.

• 1:41:33Tom Segura?

  No, no, no.

• 1:41:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can use as many as you want.

• 1:41:35Tom Segura?

  No, no, no, no. The fun is to watch the color slowly fade. If you just watch it, you're like, oh, they're still, when you get in there, fuck it. Little bit of brown, and then it fades off, and then you throw it on the ground. Now, some people need a reminder, if you do your ass first, and then your eyes next.

• 1:41:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:41:54Tom Segura?

  You're gonna have a problem.

• 1:41:57Speaker 18

  Who's going ass to eyes on their watch? Ass to eyes!

• 1:42:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  We just enlightened somebody listening.

• 1:42:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah, somebody's like, oh shit.

• 1:42:05Speaker 18

  Somebody out there went, oh shit, I go ass to eye.

• 1:42:08Tom Segura?

  I'm putting shit flakes in my eyes?

• 1:42:11Speaker 18

  Yeah. Guy's got pink eye all over his eye.

• 1:42:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, I'm friends, my, when I'm, I'm friends with a gay guy, and he just had sex with a man and a woman together. And I go, like, he, yeah, like, he buttfucks a guy, he has vag sex with a girl.

• 1:42:25Speaker 18

  Oh.

• 1:42:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I was like, bro, I hope he did the girl first, and then the guy. And he's like, of course, I'm not an animal, you idiot. And I was like, oh, so cool.

• 1:42:34Tom Segura?

  Respectful there. That's a real, that's a nice story. Thanks for sharing that part.

• 1:42:38Speaker 18

  Thanks for.

• 1:42:38Tom Segura?

  That was kinda neat. That's cool.

• 1:42:41Speaker 18

  Thank you, Christina.

• 1:42:42Tom Segura?

  That's cool. Now, Ryan.

• 1:42:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  My palms are sweaty.

• 1:42:45Tom Segura?

  You, you like a good deal, right?

• 1:42:47Speaker 18

  Oh.

• 1:42:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:48Speaker 18

  Yeah, well, that's why I'm going to the Dollar Tree later.

• 1:42:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dollar Tree.

• 1:42:51Tom Segura?

  You're gonna go to picking out and get a meal. But you can also, for your car needs.

• 1:42:56Speaker 13

  I'm doing forty dollar Earl changes, you hear me? Y'all don't forget, forty dollar Earl changes.

• 1:43:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's good.

• 1:43:03Speaker 13

  And yup, it come with a filter. Forty dollar Earl changes.

• 1:43:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Earl change?

• 1:43:08Speaker 13

  And yes, it come with the filter. Stop going to them E-Rabs.

• 1:43:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:43:12Speaker 13

  Stop going pick eighty dollars for an Earl change. You hear me?

• 1:43:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no way he can charge that little.

• 1:43:19Speaker 13

  There's sixty five.

• 1:43:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no way.

• 1:43:23Speaker 13

  Come to the black man.

• 1:43:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, there's no way. Forty dollars? There's no way.

• 1:43:27Speaker 18

  Okay, hold on. Pause, pause this for one second. There's a lot going on. There's a lot going on. There's Earl, there's...

• 1:43:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Teeth.

• 1:43:32Speaker 18

  What do you call the Arabs? E- E- Arabs?

• 1:43:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Arabs.

• 1:43:35Tom Segura?

  Well, Arabs.

• 1:43:36Speaker 18

  A- Arabs?

• 1:43:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, Arabs.

• 1:43:38Speaker 18

  But he want, okay.

• 1:43:39Tom Segura?

  Hold on, let's hear it.

• 1:43:40Speaker 13

  Stop going to them E-Rabs.

• 1:43:42Speaker 18

  E-Rabs, with an E. I've never heard an E-Rab before. That, I might use that. He, okay, in his, let's start in his defense. We'll go positive first. I just had to take my car to like a Jiffy Lube because the coolant was low.

• 1:43:56Tom Segura?

  Sure, did you get an Earl change too?

• 1:43:57Speaker 18

  I didn't, but I asked how much an Earl change was. They just said, you only need coolant. And I was like, great, just give me the antifreeze in my radiator and we'll fucking... But what's an old Earl change these days? And they said it's like a hundred and sixty dollars.

• 1:44:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 1:44:10Speaker 18

  And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

• 1:44:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  At Jiffy Lube?

• 1:44:13Speaker 18

  At a like Jiffy Lube.

• 1:44:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, back in the nineties, it was forty dollars or sixty dollars.

• 1:44:17Speaker 18

  So he's cutting them at a quarter cost, okay? Which is great. Now.

• 1:44:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not possible.

• 1:44:20Speaker 18

  I have learned through life, you get what you pay for.

• 1:44:23Tom Segura?

  That's the thing.

• 1:44:24Speaker 18

  Now, play this video, real quick. This guy's gonna work on our call. Car, excuse me. Play this video again. Don't listen to anything he says. Listen to the pinging and knocks in his car. Listen to his car.

• 1:44:36Tom Segura?

  This is a great observation.

• 1:44:37Speaker 18

  Listen to his car.

• 1:44:37Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:44:39Speaker 13

  I'm doing forty dollar Earl changes, you hear me? Y'all don't forget, forty dollar Earl changes. And yup, it come with a filter. Forty dollar Earl changes. And yes, it come with the filter. Stop going to them E-Rabs. Stop going pick eighty dollars for an Earl change. You hear me?

• 1:45:01Speaker 13

  Stop going P sixty-five for full synthetic. Come to the black man. You hear me?

• 1:45:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:08Speaker 13

  I got the Earl changes for forty dollars.

• 1:45:11Speaker 18

  Earl change.

• 1:45:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Rattling.

• 1:45:12Speaker 13

  It comes with a filter.

• 1:45:15Speaker 18

  It's pinging and popping.

• 1:45:17Speaker 13

  And full synthetic. I got five twenty.

• 1:45:19Speaker 18

  Full synthetic.

• 1:45:20Speaker 13

  I got five thirty. Come on, man. These people don't know how to drive, bro.

• 1:45:24Speaker 18

  You're making fucking promo videos.

• 1:45:26Speaker 13

  Straight forty-dollar Earl change.

• 1:45:27Speaker 18

  He's holding it too. It's not mounted.

• 1:45:29Speaker 13

  Straight like that.

• 1:45:30Speaker 18

  Listen to that car.

• 1:45:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. What is that, your shocks?

• 1:45:34Speaker 13

  Don't pull up and walk in my backyard. You're gonna get bit.

• 1:45:38Speaker 18

  Bit by him.

• 1:45:39Tom Segura?

  How do you get to Earl?

• 1:45:42Tom Segura?

  How does Earl come from oil?

• 1:45:45Tom Segura?

  E A R L.

• 1:45:46Speaker 18

  Earl.

• 1:45:48Tom Segura?

  You wanna get your Earl change?

• 1:45:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't buy forty dollars is what it costs to dispose of the oil.

• 1:45:54Tom Segura?

  Oh, you don't think he's going through the protocol you're supposed to go through?

• 1:45:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm, I'm, I'm trying to guess.

• 1:45:58Speaker 18

  He just said, "Don't come in my backyard or you get bit." My money is he's dumping out Earl right in that backyard.

• 1:46:05Speaker 18

  Right in that backyard.

• 1:46:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  The EPA is right there.

• 1:46:08Speaker 18

  Yeah, that Earl change.

• 1:46:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's no good.

• 1:46:10Tom Segura?

  Cut my costs.

• 1:46:12Speaker 18

  Yeah.

• 1:46:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  No good.

• 1:46:13Speaker 18

  Who also, how many followers does he have? Who is he pitching this to right now? Who is, what is the audience for this?

• 1:46:19Tom Segura?

  That's fucking amazing.

• 1:46:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, forty, it's a little, it's not even possible.

• 1:46:23Tom Segura?

  I see that it's in here. What's his IG look like?

• 1:46:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  The can of oil is forty.

• 1:46:28Tom Segura?

  Is it always promos?

• 1:46:29Speaker 18

  Filter too. It comes with a filter.

• 1:46:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  The filter's twenty-nine ninety-nine at least.

• 1:46:33Speaker 18

  He's got a connect or something. He's got a stolen.

• 1:46:37Tom Segura?

  Hundred and fourteen thousand.

• 1:46:38Speaker 18

  Holy shit. Well, there's a lot of Earl changes. Did he do one? Does that red car Earl change?

• 1:46:43Tom Segura?

  Look at the head, look at the headlamp on his head on this one.

• 1:46:47Speaker 18

  Oh, shit. Oh, he's selling them too.

• 1:46:50Tom Segura?

  Selling cars.

• 1:46:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  The phone number.

• 1:46:53Tom Segura?

  It's a nice car.

• 1:46:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  This guy puts the phone number right there.

• 1:46:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, he has a service.

• 1:46:56Speaker 18

  What's the lamp on his head down here?

• 1:46:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a machin.

• 1:46:59Speaker 13

  He should do, y'all.

• 1:47:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a machin.

• 1:47:01Speaker 13

  I'm all the way under this car. Checking the suspension.

• 1:47:06Speaker 13

  Transmission, transmission.

• 1:47:07Speaker 18

  Check that suspension on your car.

• 1:47:09Speaker 13

  Low control arms, upper control arms. I'm draining the Earl right now.

• 1:47:16Speaker 09

  There's the Earl. It's crazy that he knows how to pronounce everything else.

• 1:47:19Speaker 13

  You need some suspension work? Holler at your boy. I'ma put it in there.

• 1:47:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, the suspension.

• 1:47:24Speaker 13

  And take care of you.

• 1:47:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what was fucked on his car.

• 1:47:27Speaker 13

  Five oh four, six five six, nine zero seven three. Know the service, sir.

• 1:47:31Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 1:47:33Speaker 18

  This is also a guy probably is like, I don't work on anything after 95.

• 1:47:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're just too new.

• 1:47:40Speaker 18

  You're too new, man.

• 1:47:43Speaker 18

  It's got 23 computers on it, man. I can't fuck with that shit. I do Earl change.

• 1:47:46Tom Segura?

  I do Earl owner.

• 1:47:47Speaker 18

  I rotate your tie.

• 1:47:48Tom Segura?

  Oh my God, that's amazing. Hundred and fourteen thousand.

• 1:47:51Speaker 18

  That's crazy.

• 1:47:52Tom Segura?

  Crazy. Um, all right. Are you on tour?

• 1:47:56Speaker 18

  Um, I will be.

• 1:47:59Tom Segura?

  You will be?

• 1:47:59Speaker 18

  Yes, I'm not supposed to say it yet because they want to announce it.

• 1:48:02Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:48:03Speaker 18

  There will be dates for 2026 for sure. I already have cities locked up for sure. We'll announce it. RyanSickler.com is my website for all dates. Ryan Sickler on social media.

• 1:48:14Tom Segura?

  The main thing though, is check out the new special, Live and Alive. It is on your YouTube channel. You're one of my dearest friends, one of my favorite people. One of the funniest people I've ever met. And do yourself a favor, check it out. Go to his YouTube channel, watch Live and Alive and go see Ryan on tour.

• 1:48:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yay.

• 1:48:32Speaker 18

  Thank you.

• 1:48:32Tom Segura?

  And happy Halloween.

• 1:48:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Love you, Halloween jeans.

• 1:48:36Tom Segura?

  Get your Earl change.

• 1:49:05Speaker 07

  Excuse me? I'm talking to him, I'm not talking to you! Excuse me? She's your friend, I'm your friend! She's your friend, I'm your friend! Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! I want you to fuck me! Excuse me? I want you to fuck me! Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! I want you to fuck me! Excuse me? I want you to fuck me! Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! Excuse me? I want you to fuck me! Wow!

• 1:49:50Speaker 06

  New and exclusive holiday decor just launched online at The Home Depot. Check out the viral Grand Duchess Collection with smart holiday lights you can control from your phone. Easily customize the twinkle across trees, wreaths, and garlands to match your holiday vibe. Create stunning light effects, then switch it up with the tap of your fingers. Even the man in red will be impressed. Shop the holiday decor you want, online only, at homedepot.com.