A Gender Traitor's Guide To Dating w/ Jordan Jensen | Your Mom's House Ep. 828

Make sure to watch Jordan's new Netflix special "Take Me With You", streaming now! SPONSORS: Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/momshouse Head to https://BlueChew.com to get your first month FREE. Just use promo code YMH at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. New Customers Bet $5 Get $200 Instantly in Bonus Bets. Sign up using https://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM Go to http://helixsleep.com/YMH for 25% Off Sitewide. Welcome back to Your Mom’s House with Tom Segura and Christina P! This week Tim and Kristin are joined by comedian Jordan Jensen (Netflix: Take Me With You, Being Ian with Jordan). The mommies kick things off with some cat updates, code switching, and a heated debate about napkin pants. Then Jordan sits down to talk about growing up with two moms and a cowboy dad, why female comics all have “dyke energy,” and the elite nightmare of dating apps like Raya. We get into cold plunges, “gender traitors,” road rage in New York City, fart legends like King Ass Ripper, and Jordan’s on-again-off-again relationships. Plus: the infamous “N-Ain’t Shit” lady, breakdancing protestors, and why sharts aren’t what you think they are. It’s a packed episode full of laughs, chaos, and classic YMH insanity. Your Mom’s House Ep. 828 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, (800) 327-5050 or visit http://gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org (CT) or visit http://www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. $5+ first-time bet req. Max. $200 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: http://sportsbook.draftkings.com/promos . Ends 9/29/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:48 - Christina's Art & Cat Breath 00:04:10 - Code Switching For Elite Whites 00:15:57 - Opening Clip: Demons In My Womb 00:18:39 - Clip: Fart On Me Freakout 00:23:28 - Double Pipe Collab 00:25:56 - Do You Have A Husband? 00:30:48 - Clip: Presidential Candidate 00:32:36 - Full Figured Woman 00:36:38 - Napkin Pants 00:38:49 - Jordan Jensen Isn't Gay 00:44:27 - Masculine Comedy Energy 00:50:24 - Gender Traitor 01:40:45 - Closing Song: "Six Butts (More To Love)" By DJ Fat Hog Jeans Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

• 0:12Speaker 01

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• 0:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fully retarded. Fully retarded. Fucking retarded. Do that one. Fucking retarded. Do Larry? Aw, yeah. No, no. Do Saka Souffle guy saying mentally retarded, is that him?

• 0:54Tom Segura?

  No, no. Saka Souffle? Larry King?

• 0:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Who said mentally retarded? It sounded like a newscaster, like somebody...

• 1:04Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. That is, um...

• 1:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Larry King.

• 1:08Tom Segura?

  No, that's just like a, uh, old, old advertising thing where they, you know?

• 1:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, where they're like, "The mentally retarded can live a norm..." Fully retarded. Yeah.

• 1:19Tom Segura?

  I think it was for like a product, like this is a fully retarded product. Meaning, you know, that it can stop, like, and, yeah, whatever.

• 1:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I got you. Story time. Okay, story time. Oh, that, story time.

• 1:34Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:35Speaker 04

  Dude, that clip...

• 1:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Quickly and fully retarded.

• 1:37Tom Segura?

  That clip got you so good, Tom, back then. Story time? Yeah, that fucked him up.

• 1:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that, story time.

• 1:42Tom Segura?

  He had story time and he drooled. That was a classic.

• 1:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta find him again. Can you find him? Story time, they're retarded. Oh, this is the best.

• 1:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:50Speaker 05

  You are completely retarded.

• 1:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:53Speaker 05

  Retarded, retarded.

• 1:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  You fucking retard.

• 1:58Speaker 06

  That'd be so retarded.

• 1:59Tom Segura?

  I'm not retarded. Yeah.

• 2:01Speaker 07

  I'd be retarded.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  I'd go retarded.

• 2:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 2:06Speaker 00

  I was gonna knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me unretarded. I was gonna knock her in the head with a claw hammer.

• 2:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, Stevie. We ain't retarded around this motherfucker. Retarded. A retard?

• 2:18Tom Segura?

  Any girl who knows what a claw hammer is. Yeah. Lesbian.

• 2:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 2:22Tom Segura?

  Lesbian.

• 2:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know it's...

• 2:23Tom Segura?

  Well, there's one coming in here in a minute.

• 2:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, hi. Thanks Heather Mills. I just wanted to refresh everybody on the artwork I did of my husband, Tim. I'm not putting it up for sale yet, but I have increased the price of fuck around and find out to $60,000 now on the YMH website. I'm just, I'm so proud of this and I feel like I want people to enjoy it and cherish it.

• 2:45Tom Segura?

  It's really flattering. Thank you for doing that. It's really cool.

• 2:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got it, pal.

• 2:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate that shit. Fuck that.

• 2:53Tom Segura?

  That's how I refer to my parents.

• 2:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you start, start calling Charo that? I don't want this to get standard. That's so gay. A lot so gay. Sounds like Sydney Sweeney.

• 3:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so you have your beautiful artwork.

• 3:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:09Tom Segura?

  And your lip shits.

• 3:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah. Buy my lip shits, everybody. I am wearing, right now, on my face, a brand new product that will be revealed in the wintertime for Christmas. I'm just gonna say, it's very excite, very amazed. ChristinaP.com, you can get my flagship colors, the perfect red, Madison, Berlin, and atomic red. Buy all four for the lady.

• 3:30Tom Segura?

  You graciously sent gifts of them to the set when I was on, and I gave it to the makeup department. And they all put it on, and then they were like, hey, you sold more, because everyone was like, where'd you get that? And then they ordered it.

• 3:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No way, Jose. Well, thanks, Tom Hanks. I appreciate that.

• 3:45Tom Segura?

  That was awesome, man. Thank you for doing that.

• 3:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you. Very handsome. I'm gonna draw more pictures of your nude body.

• 3:54Tom Segura?

  Thanks for the details.

• 3:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know that our fucking cat went to the vet today for a stupid poor scratch on her, on his, her, I misgendered our cat.

• 4:03Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 4:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you know what the vet fucking said?

• 4:05Tom Segura?

  What?

• 4:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  This cat has gingivitis.

• 4:07Tom Segura?

  Gingivitis?

• 4:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I was like, dude, what fucking cat doesn't have gingivitis? Or what dog?

• 4:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  They all do. You gotta brush the cat's teeth. I'm like, who the fuck is brushing their cat's teeth?

• 4:16Tom Segura?

  What about the scratch? What did they say about that?

• 4:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's just a little boop. You just put some ointment on it, and it goes away. But I mean, don't tell me to brush the cat's or the dog's teeth. Nobody does that, right?

• 4:25Tom Segura?

  Well, I think some people do.

• 4:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys brush your fucking cats teeth? Normal people aren't doing this.

• 4:32Speaker 04

  I used to.

• 4:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stop. Every day?

• 4:35Speaker 04

  No, but yeah, I would every now and then.

• 4:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, I'm surprised by you, Annie. You're so different today. You went from, he was very different today in the, the meeting.

• 4:46Tom Segura?

  How so?

• 4:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's just, he's code switching.

• 4:49Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 4:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  He came in a little hot.

• 4:51Tom Segura?

  I get accused of that a lot.

• 4:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  You?

• 4:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, people say that I do that a lot. You know why? Why?

• 4:55Speaker 04

  It's cause, cause we mixed, man. We had to.

• 4:58Tom Segura?

  It's also, it's not abnormal. Like, people don't realize

• 5:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 5:04Tom Segura?

  that they do it.

• 5:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do it too.

• 5:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but people do it, people always think in terms of just race. But you also code switch based on like people's age and the setting you're in. You know, like if you're in a bank and you're meeting the, the manager, you, you do a version of a code switch. If you're with someone's grandparents, you're not like, what's up? You don't, you walk in, you, you speak to people differently. That's just a normal thing to do.

• 5:27Speaker 04

  I also think people just don't do it well.

• 5:30Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 5:31Speaker 04

  So when somebody does it well, they're like, why are you being somebody? It's like you do the same thing, you just can't do it right.

• 5:36Tom Segura?

  Cause like the worst, the worst cringe, to me, the cringiest comedy movies, and they've done these with the top talent in, in the field, is when they have the white person who's like, you have a new black friend. And then the, the spin in the movie is like, he puts on a gold chain and he goes, what's up, my brother? And everyone's like, that's hilarious. And you're like, that is awful. Like, it's just like a cartoon version of like, I'm in a rap video. And it's so cringy. It's so bad.

• 6:09Speaker 04

  Shout out, shout out to Loquisha.

• 6:11Tom Segura?

  Shout out to Loquisha.

• 6:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Loquisha. Who, oh yeah. Baby, I got some advice for you today.

• 6:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who did that again? Refresh my memory.

• 6:21Tom Segura?

  Dude, how did they get it scrubbed? Do you, like, I, I find it so crazy that you can't, like, maybe on some, a site that where, you know, I don't know, like a Reddit or something, they have it up, but they, like, the trailer was gone. Oh, you can watch it on Tubi?

• 6:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  They've scrubbed Revenge of the Nerds. You hear me? You can't even see Revenge of the Nerds.

• 6:42Tom Segura?

  See if you can pull up this trailer anymore. I could not find it.

• 6:45Speaker 04

  Did they release it? No way.

• 6:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it came out. Is it still up?

• 6:48Speaker 04

  No fucking way.

• 6:49Tom Segura?

  Cause this was gone. We couldn't find this trailer.

• 6:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  We need a viewing party. What are we doing?

• 6:54Speaker 08

  You always seem to say the right thing to just the right person. What's your secret?

• 6:58Speaker 04

  This looks like Ryan.

• 6:58Speaker 08

  I'm really just talking to myself. I don't charge for my advice.

• 7:03Speaker 09

  Well, you should because it was amazing. I saw this and I thought of you. You will be a hit in no time.

• 7:10Speaker 08

  Welcome to the Joe Show. I submitted myself to a radio station for my own show. Well, congratulations. They rejected me. Well, congratulations.

• 7:20Speaker 04

  That is bad, too.

• 7:21Speaker 09

  You weren't right for your own show. Jason skipped it. Need to get the money for this school.

• 7:26Speaker 04

  Come on, let's hear it.

• 7:27Speaker 08

  Thirteen thousand a semester?

• 7:30Speaker 04

  Here it comes.

• 7:31Speaker 08

  That's me as your own show. I was a black woman. I'd be perfect.

• 7:36Speaker 04

  This is so insane.

• 7:37Speaker 08

  I'm Locuisha. She's brilliant. I know, get her in here. Locuisha, the biggest thing in radio. But I still need my anonymity.

• 7:44Speaker 10

  You nervous?

• 7:45Speaker 08

  All right. It's not a crime. It's theater. You live with Locuisha. What's your problem?

• 7:52Speaker 11

  Hi, Locuisha. It's free.

• 7:54Speaker 08

  Oh, I ain't talking to you, not the way you sound. Next caller.

• 7:57Speaker 11

  You go, girl.

• 7:58Speaker 08

  You just be good to her. If you good to yourself, you can be good to others. Don't be too good because the police will come around.

• 8:07Speaker 04

  It's like it's not at all believable.

• 8:09Tom Segura?

  No, that's the problem. Okay, we're good.

• 8:13Speaker 04

  Oh, shit, there's you.

• 8:14Tom Segura?

  The problem, the thing is, when you do these, you have to be, you have to nail it. Do you know what I mean? Like, you can do this.

• 8:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, right, I see what you're saying.

• 8:24Tom Segura?

  If, um, if you can really, but like if, if you, if you just have it like degrees off, then you go like, what the fuck?

• 8:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  You have to have roots in that culture. You know what I mean?

• 8:35Tom Segura?

  I don't know if you have to have roots in the culture, but like your representation of it has to be spot on. Like, if you nail it, then everyone goes, that's fucking, yeah, you did it.

• 8:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's amazing.

• 8:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 8:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's true. Well, that's true because we've had that comedian in here.

• 8:51Tom Segura?

  Who?

• 8:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just was here when I was gone. My brain is addled from opioids.

• 8:56Tom Segura?

  Gary Owen.

• 8:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gary Owen.

• 8:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but he's, he, he just is a good comedian.

• 9:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:02Tom Segura?

  Who, he knows a culture and he knows how to make observations and he's being himself. He's not doing a caricature. He's not being like, what it is, my bro. Like, he doesn't come out like that.

• 9:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he's who he is. I agree. I agree.

• 9:16Tom Segura?

  And he's also been immersed in a culture. So he has nailed that. But I'm saying like, that movie can be done well. If you are at, like, you could do the impression, if your impression is like.

• 9:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is spot on.

• 9:29Tom Segura?

  Is spot on.

• 9:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  And the people are like, oh, my God.

• 9:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's like, girl.

• 9:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:34Tom Segura?

  You out your mind?

• 9:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:36Tom Segura?

  And everyone's like, keep on, keep saying your shit, little quee, like, that's, it's nonsense. It just, you, you feel like you're, like, this is a sketch.

• 9:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, it's too, um, generic. It needs to be more specific.

• 9:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  We need to, if he really took time to create a black lady character, maybe.

• 9:52Speaker 04

  It's like Russell Peters. Russell Peters does that shit right.

• 9:55Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 9:56Speaker 04

  You know what I'm saying?

• 9:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:56Speaker 04

  He knows.

• 9:57Tom Segura?

  He nails it.

• 9:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  He knows that culture.

• 9:59Tom Segura?

  But he nails it. Yeah.

• 10:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:01Tom Segura?

  He does that for, I would say, almost every time he does, I've been at shows with him where he'll literally be like, where the Sri Lankan people at?

• 10:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:11Tom Segura?

  And they go.

• 10:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 10:12Tom Segura?

  Pipe up. And then he does something just for them. And then he does like something for Cantonese speaking, Mandarin speaking, and then Northern India. And he's just, because he knows them so well and he, he does the accent perfectly and his reference is perfect, you know? So it's like, it's, it's just about actually nailing it.

• 10:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I've heard you talk white guy and you do it really well.

• 10:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, I've watched you do white stuff.

• 10:34Tom Segura?

  Wired it up.

• 10:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God. Like, when you, um, do a phone call and you go, hi, how are you today? I'm good. How are you? Like, I want to blow my brains out because to me it's such a stupid thing. Like, why would you ask somebody that if you're not going to wait for the answer? It's just, it's a nicety that fucking enrages my soul.

• 10:50Tom Segura?

  It's a white formality.

• 10:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  But white people love it.

• 10:52Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 10:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  They love this.

• 10:54Tom Segura?

  High level whites really respect it.

• 10:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  High level whites.

• 10:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you gotta, we're talking about top tier whites.

• 10:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 11:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's a certain way to speak to them, for sure.

• 11:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  What else they like talking about? Golf, the, the family?

• 11:05Tom Segura?

  You learn every top tier whites hobby and then you address that momentarily, you know? Is it tennis guy, golf guy, chess guy? You gotta, you have to refer to it.

• 11:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're right, because I remember when Mark Cuban came in, I was like, how is Tom gonna white guy it up with Mark Cuban? And lo and behold, the two of you are just two peas in a pod.

• 11:24Tom Segura?

  Well, he's an elite white, and then you just know, but he's not pretentious.

• 11:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 11:29Tom Segura?

  So you can't go pretentious with him, but you always meet them. You know, here's the thing, if you know what they love, that's, that's the way to a super elite white guy's heart.

• 11:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Elite white man, yeah.

• 11:38Tom Segura?

  He loves, more than anything, basketball.

• 11:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mmm.

• 11:42Tom Segura?

  I'm saying, in the world of like hobbies and whatnot. So you bring up basketball, you can have easily a two hour conversation with that guy.

• 11:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  And, but, but here's the deal, man, is that, do, do you enjoy talking about basketball, or you just endure it?

• 11:54Tom Segura?

  No, no, I could, that's, now, if he was just like, my favorite shit's ballet, I would do a little research and then suffer through the conversation.

• 12:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, see, that's, that's why I didn't know.

• 12:04Tom Segura?

  But you're also just using it as a bridge to the, to get to, you know, whatever you actually really wanna talk about.

• 12:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, how come it took me like forty nine years to learn this stuff?

• 12:12Tom Segura?

  I had good white training, man.

• 12:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  So dumb.

• 12:14Tom Segura?

  I was with a lot of elite whites.

• 12:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  You really were?

• 12:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 12:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, I don't think I, like, I watched you talk to them, you know, over the years, and I'm like, oh, that's how you talk to, like, appropriate people, like attorneys, or like agents, or like business people? Cause I, I, yeah, I don't know.

• 12:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's a good one. And then, I tell you the one that my dad taught me.

• 12:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tell me.

• 12:34Tom Segura?

  This is like from so many, like, white men.

• 12:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 12:37Tom Segura?

  Is like, if something isn't right, like at, in, in some type of experience, in other words, like a hotel stay, or like, something like is, is fucked up. It's like the people who, a lot of people go in, they go, what the fuck, they curse and everything, he's like, never do that.

• 12:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 12:52Tom Segura?

  You always get the highest level person you can get, and then you just tell them about your experience. Do you, you understand?

• 12:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, yes.

• 12:59Tom Segura?

  Like the difference? So you're like, hey, you know, we paid to stay at this resort, and then this is what my experience has been thus far. Dude, when I did that, like for like the whole, the whole world is given to you by, by doing it in a like.

• 13:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, not angry.

• 13:18Tom Segura?

  Not angry, not emotional, just logical. And you just tell them this is what was wrong.

• 13:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I gotta learn.

• 13:23Tom Segura?

  That was a top dog thing.

• 13:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's so smart.

• 13:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 13:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  So he learned how to be an elite white from his family.

• 13:28Tom Segura?

  Well, he was working with, you know, elite whites.

• 13:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 13:31Tom Segura?

  So he was just like passing on. Yeah.

• 13:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, cuz that's not how it works in like the immigrant world, like my stepdad.

• 13:38Tom Segura?

  And if you got some shit to say, some bullshit, if you're pissed about something, never email it.

• 13:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really? Why? Cuz it's a paper trail?

• 13:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you don't want that.

• 13:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't want that.

• 13:47Tom Segura?

  You make a phone call.

• 13:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, you do verbal, verbal. Well, my stepdad, when he would threaten people's lives or get angry, it was always in person or over the phone.

• 13:55Tom Segura?

  Elite whites and criminals know that.

• 13:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sometimes they're the same thing.

• 14:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, very often.

• 14:03Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 14:48Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 15:14Tom Segura?

  Guys, enter the room. Dick first. BlueChew isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership. BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Listen, you think that you're hard and you think you know how to get there. But if you haven't had a BlueChew, you're lying to yourself and to everyone that spends time with your penis. You have to get this. You can get harder. You can get stronger. You can knock things over with this. Guys, this isn't just about performance. This is about legacy or third legacy. Give her group chat something to talk about.

• 15:57Tom Segura?

  You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about it, how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little BlueChew. Discover your options at BlueChew.com. We've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of BlueChew free. Just use the promo code YMH at checkout and pay $5 for shipping. That's it. Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to BlueChew.com for details and important safety information. And a huge thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast and keeping me hard.

• 16:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 16:28Tom Segura?

  All right, well, here's an elite.

• 16:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, okay, let's see elite whites.

• 16:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, here we go.

• 16:32Speaker 11

  Somebody needs to tell my ex friend Jan Bradbury that she can't be with me because she likes doing German punishments and vibrating my feet with a demon. And she's done it hundreds of times and she vibrated my womb for too long when I was in bed, home alone in Des Moines, Iowa, when I first lived there back in 2018, 2019. And I had to go to the ER and be examined because she wouldn't yield. So Jan, you're going to hell for blasting my Holy Spirit. You can't be with me. Get out of my life.

• 17:00Speaker 11

  Who is Randy?

• 17:02Tom Segura?

  It's a good one.

• 17:16Tom Segura?

  No, that wasn't a beard quay.

• 17:19Tom Segura?

  That was just a furry. This lady. She said a lot of interesting shit.

• 17:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's been all over, dude. I've been following her work.

• 17:30Tom Segura?

  One of the craziest things to me.

• 17:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta respect the song.

• 17:50Tom Segura?

  Is it bad that like, of everything she said? What I hung on to the most?

• 17:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I know what you're gonna say.

• 17:55Tom Segura?

  Is that she said Des Moines? And that's her home. In my home, in Des Moines.

• 18:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Completely inaccurate.

• 18:02Tom Segura?

  Nobody from Des Moines pluralizes it.

• 18:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Never. In Des Moines?

• 18:06Tom Segura?

  Des Moines?

• 18:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, even I know it's Des Mois.

• 18:09Tom Segura?

  Des Mois.

• 18:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's French, dummy.

• 18:10Tom Segura?

  La quoi? Quoi? La tè.

• 18:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Des Moines.

• 18:15Tom Segura?

  Je m'appelle Ton. Yeah, I mean, it's fucking insane. And my home in Des Moines.

• 18:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:20Tom Segura?

  Forget the demons in your feet and your womb being vibrated.

• 18:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 18:25Tom Segura?

  Des Moines?

• 18:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's completely inaccurate. But maybe it's the womb vibrations that's messing up her speech.

• 18:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  She probably needs to get her, um, ass. You know, you put something in your butt.

• 18:37Tom Segura?

  Yes, you put a ball in your asshole and then it realigns your hips.

• 18:40Speaker 11

  And she's done it hundreds of times. And she vibrated my womb for too long. I was in bed, home alone in Des Moines, Iowa, when I first.

• 18:47Tom Segura?

  She said Des Moines?

• 18:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's upsetting.

• 18:49Tom Segura?

  It's really crazy.

• 18:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I agree with you on that.

• 18:50Tom Segura?

  Forget what Jan did. Just fucking start referring to your home, Des Moines, correctly.

• 18:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I agree.

• 18:57Tom Segura?

  Everything else will fall in line.

• 18:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have zero tolerance for people that know nothing about the city they live in.

• 19:02Tom Segura?

  Come on.

• 19:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  It really bothers me. And this is a representation of that sort of thing right now. Have some pride.

• 19:07Tom Segura?

  Have a little pride.

• 19:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have some pride.

• 19:09Tom Segura?

  Have a little pride.

• 19:10Speaker 12

  We were walking down an aisle. And there were like two guys that walked up next to us. You know, Peyton like walked away. My wife walked away for just a second. And, uh.

• 19:22Speaker 12

  They were like snickering to their, like to themselves or something. And like, I didn't really think much of it. So I'm just looking at the candy aisle, trying to decide what candy I want. And he walks by and gets like inches from me and just rips one, like farts like this far from me. That's disgusting to say. I can't even believe I'm having to say this, but he did. And about that time Peyton walked up, like didn't witness what happened, but like seconds later and I'm like upset and I follow after him. And I was like, is there a reason? You were just so disrespectful to me.

• 20:04Speaker 12

  Called you an ass. Here. And yeah.

• 20:12Speaker 12

  Never felt so dehumanized. Not only did he fart on her.

• 20:17Speaker 12

  When she confronted him, he said, just walk away, fucking bitch. This is Albertson's, by the way.

• 20:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 20:26Speaker 12

  And go to the customer service to be like, hey, this just happened. I was just disrespected in your store and called names like several times.

• 20:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't you dare do that.

• 20:35Speaker 12

  And they, security guard went and talked to him, came back and they all just kind of looked at us and was like, well, can't y'all just leave?

• 20:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 20:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:48Speaker 12

  Is this a standard for society?

• 20:51Tom Segura?

  I mean, it's not.

• 20:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's so many problems with this.

• 20:56Tom Segura?

  For society, but it's what you get sometimes. Sometimes you're shopping for kale and quinoa.

• 21:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Quinow. She was in the candy aisle.

• 21:07Tom Segura?

  Oh, you're looking for candy.

• 21:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's looking for candy.

• 21:09Tom Segura?

  And someone farts. It just happens.

• 21:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right. And also like I, I take offense that she's taking offense at someone's fart. Meaning how could you take somebody's fart personal, personally rather? How do you know he was directing the fart at you? It's a little narcissistic.

• 21:26Tom Segura?

  He's just a pig and he farted.

• 21:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's just a guy farting in the candy aisle.

• 21:29Tom Segura?

  You know, my favorite public fart story ever is that I didn't do it, but that I witnessed. And it's been years. I was working at America's Most Wanted in DC. And I shared an office with one of the on camera guys who's also, his name was Tom. And we like, we talked about music a lot. We liked a lot of the same music. And so one day we took a, we took a walk. Tom and I walk into a record store. And we're like, let's go see, I think it must've been like a Tuesday, cause back then that's when records dropped. So we're like, let's go look in like what came out today. So we, you know, we take a little walk. And back then, for people that are too young now, a lot of record stores had listening stations.

• 22:12Tom Segura?

  Right? So people would, you could pick up headphones and you could listen to like classics or like new stuff. So there was a guy in there who had to have been about 330 pounds, right? He was a big fat fuck. And he's sitting there and me and Tom are like looking at this guy, he's like.

• 22:32Tom Segura?

  And then he hits a, like a high, he goes like. He sings and he farts at this like loud and long. And we both were like, yo.

• 22:45Tom Segura?

  And he looked at us and he was like, and he turned, he had turned away like. I think he didn't know he farted.

• 22:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  He knew.

• 22:54Tom Segura?

  I don't think.

• 22:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  He knew.

• 22:55Tom Segura?

  I think he didn't know he farted. I think he looked at us like, you don't like my singing? Fuck y'all. And he turned his head and we were both like, and we laughed, we laughed so hard. And that's part of like, why I was like, oh, I think he thinks we're laughing at it singing. He's so big, he probably just farts all the time and doesn't register.

• 23:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  But Tom, think about this.

• 23:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you ever farted and it not registered to you that you farted? I don't think so.

• 23:19Tom Segura?

  Picture.

• 23:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know with the headphones.

• 23:21Tom Segura?

  It's the headphones and also don't forget that he's engaging his diaphragm.

• 23:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's moving.

• 23:26Tom Segura?

  He's like, hey! He's like letting it out and it came out at the same time.

• 23:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 23:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, maybe, maybe he did know. He's like, I don't give a fuck. But it felt like, he was like, I don't know that I just did that.

• 23:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  But see, don't you feel like that's a blessing in the skies? You didn't take that fart personally.

• 23:45Tom Segura?

  No, I did not take it personally. I laughed. I thought it was hilarious.

• 23:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause it's a gift.

• 23:48Tom Segura?

  And we were close to him.

• 23:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right. And when somebody farts in public for you like that, you should take that for what it is. It's a gift from God. It's a special laugh.

• 23:55Tom Segura?

  It is pretty special.

• 23:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not personal.

• 23:57Tom Segura?

  It's not.

• 23:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, and speaking of farts. We haven't even brought, this is breaking news in the YMH world. Can you please play cats eating kibble? And it's very important.

• 24:08Tom Segura?

  All right.

• 24:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is a big deal.

• 24:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  The other day, we were in the room.

• 24:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you remember who did what?

• 24:21Tom Segura?

  I think I burped.

• 24:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  We were in the same room and at the same time, I farted and you burped. Now, when one human does it, it's a double pipe classic. Which is a term you invented, by the way, and you don't get nearly enough credit for it.

• 24:39Tom Segura?

  I appreciate that.

• 24:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's on the internet, on the Urban Dictionary. I don't see your name credited.

• 24:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it does.

• 24:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  The rare occurrence when you are blessed enough to both burp and fart at the same time. Credit time.

• 24:55Tom Segura?

  Then they give an example. Shit, washing down that double beef and bean burrito with Coca-Cola gave me the double pipe classic. Most men are only lucky enough to have that a few times in their life.

• 25:08Tom Segura?

  Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

• 25:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I feel as though this is a whole new thing. As a couple, we've never created a double pipe classic.

• 25:17Tom Segura?

  It was very cool.

• 25:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Two mommies, one pipe. Two mommies, one.

• 25:21Tom Segura?

  Is it a double pipe collab?

• 25:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  A double pipe collab.

• 25:25Tom Segura?

  Double pipe collab, yeah.

• 25:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's very 2025.

• 25:29Tom Segura?

  I mean, what's it called when two streams enter one canal, you know?

• 25:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ooh, two streams enter one canal.

• 25:38Tom Segura?

  It's gotta be like.

• 25:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like the sewer system?

• 25:40Tom Segura?

  I mean, or like just in nature, there's gotta be, there's gotta be a term for when like.

• 25:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  A dyke?

• 25:45Tom Segura?

  These.

• 25:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Isn't a dyke is a water thing in it?

• 25:49Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 25:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Confluence.

• 25:53Tom Segura?

  There it is.

• 25:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Conflatus?

• 25:55Tom Segura?

  Confluence, yeah. Canal confluence.

• 26:02Tom Segura?

  The less common use of the term, but it can describe when two or more canals join together. Yeah, yeah.

• 26:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  A canal confluence.

• 26:10Tom Segura?

  It's called a couples canal confluence, yeah, yeah.

• 26:15Tom Segura?

  That's what it is.

• 26:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  So proud of you, man.

• 26:17Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 26:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  So awesome.

• 26:18Tom Segura?

  So awesome.

• 26:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, I hope somebody-

• 26:20Tom Segura?

  How was your weekend? I had a little canal confluence with my partner.

• 26:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Partner?

• 26:25Tom Segura?

  Partner.

• 26:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gay partner. By the way, I'm so gay and I, I will not call you my partner ever. I fucking hate it.

• 26:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 26:33Speaker 06

  What's your pronoun?

• 26:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was at the pizza place with the boys this weekend and I was like making small talk with the table next to me. What's it like to have boys? And I was like, it's fucking chaos. Just get insurance on your house. It's crazy.

• 26:47Tom Segura?

  Fuck you.

• 26:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck you.

• 26:51Tom Segura?

  He goes, fuck you and fuck me and fuck everyone.

• 26:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I'm sorry, little guy.

• 26:56Tom Segura?

  Alright dude, yeah.

• 26:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  And, uh, I forgot what I was gonna say. Oh, we were talking and talking and talking and then at one point she goes, do, I don't know, do you have a husband? I don't know if you have a husband? And I was like, bitch, how old am I? First of all, of course I have a fucking husband.

• 27:10Tom Segura?

  That's what you said to this lady?

• 27:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, in my head, I'm thinking, you stupid bitch, of course I have a fucking husband. I'm 50 years old, I have a ring, I got two kids. I'm old, yes. I'm not this generation that just makes kids willy-nilly with strangers.

• 27:22Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 27:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  App people or whatever it is these fuckers are doing and then calling each other partners. It's super fucked up. I don't do that.

• 27:30Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 27:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it really upset me. I'm like, yes, I have a husband, you dummy. God, I mean, do I, do you have a husband? It was like the first time in my life anybody had seen me alone with the kids and presumed I would be part, partnerless or husbandless. I mean, maybe I looked like a lesbo. I don't know.

• 27:48Tom Segura?

  Alright.

• 27:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. Why would she ask me such a stupid-

• 27:51Tom Segura?

  Did you return the question? Were you like, what about you bitch? You have a husband?

• 27:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, her husband was there. He was sitting there.

• 27:57Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 27:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Big dummy. I saw him too. And I was like, don't fucking ask me stuff like that.

• 28:04Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 28:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was pretty useless.

• 28:06Tom Segura?

  Jesus, alright.

• 28:08Speaker 06

  Fuck you too bitch.

• 28:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there you go.

• 28:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  It just made me mad.

• 28:11Tom Segura?

  I can see that. That's very cool.

• 28:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do I look like I can't get one? You know what I mean?

• 28:18Tom Segura?

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• 29:01Tom Segura?

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• 29:21Speaker 13

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• 29:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, the other day, someone asked me, should I buy Helix mattresses? Is it true that you sleep on a Helix mattress? Duh. Yes, I promise you, we do. And I love it because this is such a customizable sleep experience. How? You just take their quiz. You go on their website. You tell them your sleeping position. Are you a side sleeper? Are you a back sleeper? Your sleeping temperature, and if you sleep with a partner or by yourself. And they have cooling mattress covers for hot sleepers, extra memory foam padding for the side sleepers, which is what I am.

• 30:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  And Helix also sells bed frames, pillows, sheets, and a lot of other bedding options. It really is your one stop bedding shop. So go to helixsleep.com/ymh for 25% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com/ymh for 25% off site wide. helixsleep.com/ymh. I was dressed cute, too. I always look good when I leave the house. You know me.

• 31:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fashionable fashion.

• 31:03Tom Segura?

  All right.

• 31:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  She thinks like I look so gay or unattractive.

• 31:06Tom Segura?

  I don't know. This is a real deep fucking well you're going down right now.

• 31:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  But isn't it true that I heard the kids aren't getting married now and?

• 31:13Tom Segura?

  The kids?

• 31:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  The younger generation, they're not getting married.

• 31:17Tom Segura?

  They're just taking a different path. Like, like, yes, check this out. This is like from

• 31:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tell me.

• 31:21Tom Segura?

  Somebody else.

• 31:22Speaker 10

  Hello, my name is Matthew Garoppick and I'm a candidate for president in 2032. As you may know already, I'm looking for a woman to impregnate. Must be 18 years older and no more than 145 pounds. I'm looking primarily for a white or a Spanish woman. If you feel like you have a chance at becoming one of the lucky ladies, that'll be my first lady when I run for president in 2032. Please email an application of some photos and where you're from to [email protected].

• 31:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh geez.

• 31:59Speaker 10

  I'll have my staff reach out to you.

• 32:01Tom Segura?

  Staff?

• 32:02Speaker 10

  To be a good fit. Remember in 2032 to vote for Matthew Garoppick for president, let's go.

• 32:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, I like his ambition.

• 32:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah. No, he's got, I mean, he's got the charisma.

• 32:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're right, Tom, some people just take a different path.

• 32:17Tom Segura?

  It's a different path. He's looking for a lady. It's just in his own way.

• 32:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  His own way. But she has to be 18.

• 32:23Tom Segura?

  Let's go. Like, that was, yeah. He's, that AC is ACing, too.

• 32:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's ACing. And again, you really need a simpler email.

• 32:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 32:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Garoppick 2001 957, like, don't do that.

• 32:36Tom Segura?

  Firstlady@gmail, like, that's, I mean, how's your staff gonna fucking deal with all these emails?

• 32:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's too much. You had to simplify the message.

• 32:43Tom Segura?

  Could the ladies that work here, like, submit their applications? Just wanna see what it's like when the staff reaches out.

• 32:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please?

• 32:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You just be like, hey, I'm interested.

• 32:53Speaker 04

  Niana says yes.

• 32:54Tom Segura?

  Yes. Yes.

• 32:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  You have to be, how old though? Eighteen is the cutoff.

• 32:59Tom Segura?

  Eight, no, eighteen or older. He wants, he wants an adult.

• 33:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's cool. And one forty-five?

• 33:04Tom Segura?

  One forty-five, I'm like, Jesus Christ, man. What are you gonna be fucking wrangling cattle? Why are you getting so and so big?

• 33:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was gonna say, I barely made that cut.

• 33:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Oh, alright.

• 33:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you have a husband? Yeah.

• 33:16Tom Segura?

  I think you should cut him off a little bit lighter, you know what I mean? This guy's obviously generous. Like, he's willing to go.

• 33:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's another thing too, yeah. It's, it's okay to be heftier now.

• 33:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's okay. One forty-five is fine.

• 33:32Tom Segura?

  One forty-five, he's looking for a full-figured woman.

• 33:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's me. Like, I've already had.

• 33:37Tom Segura?

  She's got hips.

• 33:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm a cow, yeah.

• 33:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, Jesus Christ.

• 33:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God, speaking of, have you seen Nelly Furtado lately?

• 33:44Tom Segura?

  Oh, stop. We're not doing this. What is wrong with you?

• 33:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because I know you liked her back in the nineties.

• 33:50Tom Segura?

  I like her still. I like Nelly Furtado.

• 33:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do, I like her too.

• 33:54Tom Segura?

  Why are you whispering?

• 33:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because I don't want to hear it, that I'm talking. Because I think I'd like her. No, she was so pretty, babe.

• 34:02Tom Segura?

  She's pretty. What are you doing?

• 34:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's over one forty-five.

• 34:05Tom Segura?

  So what? She looks good, dude. Come on. Come on. She looks good.

• 34:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe, the black guy is like, come on.

• 34:15Tom Segura?

  The black guy? Jesus Christ.

• 34:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your culture doesn't mind.

• 34:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right?

• 34:26Tom Segura?

  You're terrible, man. I still think she's beautiful.

• 34:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  She is, and she, she is.

• 34:33Tom Segura?

  And I don't care what the black guy says. I think she's beautiful. You're a black guy.

• 34:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  She is still beautiful. I'm not saying she's not. I just, I just remember.

• 34:44Tom Segura?

  As a black guy, how do you respond? You mean the black guy? The black guy. You know, you guys are known for enjoying a Two guys. A full-figured woman, like us. Shit, she's about three sixty, that's what I'm talking about. Like, so is that how you feel?

• 34:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna pee. I'm gonna fucking throw up.

• 35:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  You code switched.

• 35:08Tom Segura?

  Well, I was trying, I was trying to make it so he's like, oh, I get it.

• 35:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  You did, oh, you were trying to bro with him.

• 35:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, so funny.

• 35:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, cause otherwise he'd have been like, I don't know what he's saying right now, man. So I was just, yeah, I was trying to.

• 35:19Speaker 04

  Uh, I, I can't say it's my, you know, preference. Uh, you know, I fuck with big bitches, but.

• 35:24Tom Segura?

  That's who we're talking about.

• 35:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I, you know, it ain't like my thing.

• 35:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you fuck with big bitches. Would you fuck with Nelly at her current?

• 35:32Speaker 04

  You know, yeah, not saying I wouldn't hit, but yeah, I don't know if I could say like she like her old self, you know what I'm saying?

• 35:40Tom Segura?

  Alright. Why, why, what are we saying?

• 35:42Speaker 04

  I don't love this.

• 35:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 35:44Tom Segura?

  I mean, she's, dude, she's rad.

• 35:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I whispered it and she can't hear me.

• 35:48Tom Segura?

  She can hear it. Yes.

• 35:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Listening.

• 35:50Tom Segura?

  She has audio equipment. She's funny.

• 35:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like her. I like her and I want her.

• 35:54Tom Segura?

  Nelly, I will not stand for this disrespect. I do think you're beautiful.

• 35:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do too. Can I tell you something though? But remember Lizzo who was like, I'm fat and I don't care and I love it? Let's look at her now. Oh, little Ozempies, Lizzo. She lost a bunch of weight.

• 36:09Tom Segura?

  Good for her.

• 36:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm saying. I don't, I don't, I just don't think you can be happy.

• 36:15Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 36:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  When you're that large. You just, it's not happy. I know it.

• 36:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit, I'm, I'm a hefty, I'm, I'm the 145. I'm, I'm dying to get to 145. It's hard. You know?

• 36:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's tough, Meghan Traitor.

• 36:29Tom Segura?

  I've been a big fatty my whole life, so I just, you know.

• 36:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. You're not a big fatty.

• 36:34Tom Segura?

  Sure, I am. Even inside, I still am. I'll never not be a fat guy. Do you know what I mean?

• 36:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  In your heart?

• 36:41Tom Segura?

  For sure. Doesn't matter what the outside is.

• 36:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 36:43Tom Segura?

  You'll always be like, oh yeah, I'm fat.

• 36:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, John.

• 36:47Tom Segura?

  It's okay. No, I, I learned to accept it with age.

• 36:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just in your mind, you're always like.

• 36:53Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 36:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  You think that way. Like you're, yeah, I know what you're saying. I know what you mean. You have your identity.

• 36:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, your identity is you're fat.

• 37:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 37:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I get it. Like my identity, I'm always like, oh, I'm like a weird foreigner. You know, even though.

• 37:07Tom Segura?

  You are a weird foreigner.

• 37:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right. Yeah.

• 37:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's not an idea. You are.

• 37:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, sorry.

• 37:12Tom Segura?

  If you weren't even born in this country, you're lucky to be here. You should probably get deported.

• 37:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I married an American dummy.

• 37:18Tom Segura?

  It doesn't matter.

• 37:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  It does, I'm fine.

• 37:20Tom Segura?

  You were raised by barnyard animals.

• 37:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was, yeah. I really was.

• 37:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Speaking of, you don't, you're not gonna like this.

• 37:28Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 37:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have just started, I've discovered that you can wipe your hands on your pants.

• 37:35Tom Segura?

  Dude.

• 37:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't even need napkins, cuz you wash your pants anyway.

• 37:39Tom Segura?

  No, what is wrong with you? Just get a napkin.

• 37:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I started doing it and now I really like it.

• 37:44Tom Segura?

  You're using your pants?

• 37:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  My pants as napkins. You can do it. I do it all the time. I do it all, all my jeans now are just napkins. Napkin jeans, napkin pants, yeah. Especially denim, denim's perfect for napkin pants.

• 37:58Tom Segura?

  What's wrong with grabbing a napkin?

• 38:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't wanna, and I'm usually busy and with the kids, I'm in the car. I can't fucking do stuff, you know?

• 38:06Tom Segura?

  That's beyond.

• 38:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've never used your pants as napkins?

• 38:09Tom Segura?

  Of course, I've, have I ever, I'm sure, but like, in most, 99% of situations, I look for some other fabric, not the pants I'm wearing.

• 38:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 38:21Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 38:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, I just feel like the pants are there, they're meant to be napkins, they're walking napkins.

• 38:27Tom Segura?

  No, they're not walking napkins. Napkins are napkins.

• 38:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's where you're wrong, silly.

• 38:33Tom Segura?

  I will say this.

• 38:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 38:34Tom Segura?

  There is no napkin that is better than a towel. Towels are the best napkins.

• 38:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're so rich, but then, ew.

• 38:41Tom Segura?

  No, no, I'm talking about other people's towels, not ours.

• 38:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like in a hotel?

• 38:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:47Tom Segura?

  If you're like eating and you grab a towel, you're like, oh, this is the best napkin.

• 38:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure, and I've done that many times.

• 38:52Tom Segura?

  You get like the washcloth size, you're like, oh, this is perfect.

• 38:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 38:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I thought I was the only one that's ever discovered.

• 38:59Tom Segura?

  Towels are the best napkins.

• 39:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Towels are the best napkins.

• 39:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Second to jeans.

• 39:03Tom Segura?

  No, no.

• 39:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 39:05Tom Segura?

  No.

• 39:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Try it, just try it out.

• 39:07Tom Segura?

  The, the level of disrespect that you're doing to your own self when you do that.

• 39:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  To denim, I know. This is the house of denim and I'm doing disrespect.

• 39:15Tom Segura?

  Alright, we're gonna get you back into a program. All right, we'll take a quick break.

• 39:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 39:19Tom Segura?

  We'll be right back. And we are back and so excited to talk about our, our guest today. Has a new special out on Netflix called Take Me With You. Has the B and Ian with Jordan podcast and Rip Jordan Jensen. It's Jordan Jensen, everybody.

• 39:34Speaker 06

  Hello. Thank you for having me.

• 39:37Tom Segura?

  Thank you for being here. It's so exciting. Congratulations on the special.

• 39:42Speaker 06

  Thanks.

• 39:43Tom Segura?

  Everybody's excited.

• 39:44Speaker 06

  I just woke up.

• 39:44Tom Segura?

  People here saw it. Yeah, I get it.

• 39:47Speaker 06

  What's my pronouns?

• 39:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:49Speaker 06

  What?

• 39:49Tom Segura?

  What is your, what are your pronouns?

• 39:52Speaker 06

  Like, I would like it to be something like.

• 39:56Tom Segura?

  You can, you can make it that.

• 39:57Speaker 06

  You know?

• 39:58Tom Segura?

  You can, you can make it.

• 40:01Speaker 06

  Pom pom, pom pom's good. I like pom pom, please. Yeah, yeah. I feel closer to that than either of the.

• 40:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where do you live, mommy?

• 40:10Speaker 06

  I live in Brooklyn.

• 40:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 40:12Tom Segura?

  Judo Titties.

• 40:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Judo Titties, perfect.

• 40:14Speaker 06

  What? Oh, yeah.

• 40:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, right outside of.

• 40:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that where you're from?

• 40:17Tom Segura?

  Upstate New York.

• 40:18Speaker 06

  I'm from upstate New York. I'm from Ithaca.

• 40:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ithaca, I've been there.

• 40:21Tom Segura?

  Ithaca.

• 40:21Speaker 06

  Of course you've been there. You look like you were born there.

• 40:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was born there, I love there.

• 40:25Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 40:26Tom Segura?

  She knows carpentry.

• 40:27Speaker 06

  You know carpentry too?

• 40:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't.

• 40:29Tom Segura?

  I was saying you do.

• 40:30Speaker 06

  Oh, okay.

• 40:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:31Speaker 06

  When you're talking about us, you're talking about the same person.

• 40:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. Listen, Tom has raved about you for so long. And I'm, I'm so excited to finally meet you today. And he, he's like, she's so funny. You're gonna love her.

• 40:43Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 40:44Tom Segura?

  Is that how I talk?

• 40:44Speaker 06

  That's what you sound like.

• 40:46Tom Segura?

  That's how I sound?

• 40:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  You didn't know you sounded like that?

• 40:48Tom Segura?

  She's so funny.

• 40:49Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:49Tom Segura?

  You're gonna love her.

• 40:50Speaker 06

  It's like you're throwing your own voice into your own mouth.

• 40:52Tom Segura?

  That's crazy.

• 40:53Speaker 06

  That's crazy.

• 40:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, and it's, listen, my husband is a very harsh critic.

• 40:59Speaker 06

  Really?

• 40:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. I will say, if he thinks you're funny, it fucking means you're funny.

• 41:03Speaker 06

  That's awesome.

• 41:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I'm like so stoked to finally meet you. And you studied philosophy and you have a small dog with you.

• 41:08Speaker 06

  I have a small dog.

• 41:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  These are all things I love already.

• 41:10Tom Segura?

  These are things she loves.

• 41:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 41:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I, I hear you're a little mannish, as I know.

• 41:15Speaker 06

  I am quite mannish.

• 41:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 41:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, totally.

• 41:17Tom Segura?

  You're not gay.

• 41:19Speaker 06

  I'm not gay.

• 41:20Tom Segura?

  And that's what I was saying.

• 41:21Speaker 06

  Have you been gay?

• 41:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, but I did, I, I did spend the nineties in San Francisco for school. And there was a lot of, bisexuality was cool, so I French'd.

• 41:30Speaker 06

  Of course, French. We all French for the sake of the boys. We go, wanna see something cool, boys? So you fuck me, here's me Frenching my friend.

• 41:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 41:36Speaker 06

  Of course.

• 41:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you, have you eaten box?

• 41:38Speaker 06

  No.

• 41:40Speaker 06

  I don't like it. I tried.

• 41:41Tom Segura?

  You did try?

• 41:42Speaker 06

  I couldn't. I couldn't go mouth to.

• 41:44Tom Segura?

  Wait, you did try, though.

• 41:46Speaker 06

  I looked at it.

• 41:47Tom Segura?

  You looked at it. You didn't give it one. Like, did you give it one of these?

• 41:49Speaker 06

  No, I fingered, but my fingering even was just like this. I couldn't. Ooh, I can't. There's something about it. The penis is just like this. It's stupid. It's dumb. I can deal with this object. Reaching my hand in there, who knows?

• 42:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so scary. And also what comes out of the vagina that men don't know about. I heard you have a great joke about.

• 42:11Speaker 06

  Discharger blood. Yeah. I forget what it is, but yeah.

• 42:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, Niana was quoting it because she had just watched your special.

• 42:17Speaker 06

  All about discharge where I'm trying to cover it and I'm pulling down my underwear and then I just say that I throw my under away.

• 42:23Tom Segura?

  Is this, is it in the special you talk about, um, because I remember we've, we've done dates together and, and so I've seen like obviously bits and pieces of your, of your act, uh, about your mom, like you.

• 42:36Speaker 06

  The ripping?

• 42:37Tom Segura?

  Was it?

• 42:37Speaker 06

  The, the fainting vaginal?

• 42:40Tom Segura?

  Just like you were, I think it was you telling her about like, maybe it was like a first period or something. And she was like, just fucking plug it up, go to bed. Like it was some story about, about your mom.

• 42:50Speaker 06

  Oh, yes. It was, that was the vaginal tearing thing.

• 42:52Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 42:53Speaker 06

  Where I, my vagina ripped during sex and me and this guy kept fainting and she goes, she said, it's just like the inside of your mouth. It'll heal quick. Which is crazy.

• 43:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 43:03Speaker 06

  I got off stage. I've never, I didn't, that's in the special because of you.

• 43:07Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 43:07Speaker 06

  Yeah. Because I told that on one of your shows, like for fun, because there were a bunch of lesbians there. We were in like Portland. And my mom was in the audience.

• 43:15Tom Segura?

  That's right. Portland, Maine.

• 43:16Speaker 06

  And you were like, you gotta put that in the special. And I was like, okay.

• 43:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. That's awesome.

• 43:19Speaker 06

  Because it's dirty.

• 43:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you were raised by two lesbian ladies and I imagine that to be the greatest experience of all time, was it?

• 43:27Speaker 06

  The problem is one of them just becomes a dad.

• 43:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tell me everything.

• 43:31Speaker 06

  Like, it's not like two sweet ladies are like, honey, we've both cooked a casserole. It's like, one is like, shut the fuck up, Michelle. You know, it's like that. And then you have a dad also because of biology, you must have a dad or a lot of money. And I had a dad and he was just like weird uncle. He was just like uncle guy.

• 43:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  What was he like?

• 43:52Speaker 06

  He was like a cool, uh, sex addict cowboy, pothead hippie guy. Yeah.

• 44:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  And what was your relationship?

• 44:03Speaker 06

  I worked for him. Yeah, he was like my boss and he was and he didn't like me when I was a goth.

• 44:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it's unfortunate. It's the best phase in a girl's life.

• 44:14Speaker 06

  Best phase. He didn't like the goth phase. So he kind of was like, you're not, you're no son of mine. And then, and then when I lost a bunch of weight and became a normal girl, I started working for him and we became like buds.

• 44:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  What did you do for him?

• 44:26Speaker 06

  Oh, construction. Yeah.

• 44:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're so gay.

• 44:30Speaker 06

  I know, I know.

• 44:33Tom Segura?

  Bro, you look great. You've been, you kept up with your training?

• 44:35Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 44:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you look great, man.

• 44:37Speaker 06

  I'm on the, I'm on the inflammation diet.

• 44:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 44:41Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 44:41Tom Segura?

  Okay, good.

• 44:42Speaker 06

  Anti-inflammation.

• 44:44Tom Segura?

  You've been training still. You've been, right? You're eating right and you're, yeah, it looks like.

• 44:47Speaker 06

  I'm eating right and I'm working out a lot. I'm not boxing as much, but I'm lifting a lot.

• 44:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're so gay. See, here's the thing we were talking about.

• 44:54Speaker 06

  It's so crazy because it's just, I don't even realize it and then I hear it and I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I also think that there's an inherently gay quality to all female comics that we are all a little dikey to some regard because we're going against the gender norm in the first place.

• 45:11Speaker 06

  Right.

• 45:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody wants to hear us talk.

• 45:13Tom Segura?

  Comedy is like masculine energy. You know what I mean? Like the, the room you were in last night and, and like, you know, I mean, the green room, those dynamics, that's masculine, like the hanging out and it's always like, nice fucking shirt, dipshit. It's like, it's aggressive kind of masculine energy.

• 45:28Speaker 06

  I think that, I think this is what happened. I think it's the chicken or the egg. I think it's, I think it's before you get into comedy, this happens to you is when women are coming in and being like, oh, my God, let's dress up and do these things. You're a little bit like, what are you trying to make me into a fucking girl? And you become funny guy and people go, hey, you're funny because you're not doing all the girl stuff. And you go, oh, thanks. And then you get into comedy because so many people are being like, you're the funny one because you're defensive with your like, what are you fucking gay? I'm not gonna hang out with you. And that's why I think comics are the ballbuster.

• 45:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I never liked being girlish. I never, I went to an all-girls Catholic high school. We wore uniforms and we were kind of asexualized. At those really pivotal years where I probably should have been trying to attract boys, it was like, no, just shut it down. Just wear your fucking button-down uniform and, you know?

• 46:18Speaker 06

  That's hot, though. Button-down uniform. That is hot. You know who I'm gay for? Katie Taylor, the boxer.

• 46:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, let's look up Katie Taylor.

• 46:26Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:26Tom Segura?

  You like her?

• 46:27Speaker 06

  She's, do you know who I'm talking about? The Irish one who fights for the lard?

• 46:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:31Speaker 06

  I fight for the lard.

• 46:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Whoa.

• 46:33Speaker 06

  Look at this fucking bitch. I fight for the lard. Jesus Christ is driving everyone in my punches.

• 46:40Tom Segura?

  Epic fights against, uh, was it Serrano?

• 46:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:42Speaker 06

  Beat her ass.

• 46:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yes, that's right. I love Serrano.

• 46:46Tom Segura?

  Serrano's great.

• 46:47Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:47Tom Segura?

  Those fights were epic, too.

• 46:48Speaker 06

  But I just wanna look like her. When I really think about it, like, the idea of her kissing me is crazy, but I wanna look like her.

• 46:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can't.

• 46:53Tom Segura?

  You wanna look like her?

• 46:54Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:55Tom Segura?

  You sure about that?

• 46:55Speaker 06

  I know, I know, it's fucked up, but I do. Look at her fucking guns, dude.

• 47:00Tom Segura?

  You wanna look like somebody that's, that's ready to throw down at any second.

• 47:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:05Tom Segura?

  With a neck that's fucking wider than your head.

• 47:07Speaker 06

  Her neck is crazy. Her neck has literally destroyed Serrano's career, single-handedly.

• 47:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I don't wanna look like her. I don't know.

• 47:14Speaker 06

  No, she's ripped, though.

• 47:16Tom Segura?

  That's what you wanna be? You wanna be jacked? Like, super jacked?

• 47:18Speaker 06

  I don't wanna be gym rat jacked, but I wanna be, I wanna be your jacked.

• 47:23Tom Segura?

  My jacked?

• 47:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, but I don't wanna be Rogan jacked.

• 47:26Tom Segura?

  Oh, right, right. Like, you wanna be like, oh, I, I have some fitness in my life.

• 47:31Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:32Tom Segura?

  But not the extreme.

• 47:33Speaker 06

  Lean jacked.

• 47:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's cool. I wanna, you know what I wanna be? I figured it out.

• 47:37Tom Segura?

  I love being the example. Thanks, dude.

• 47:38Speaker 06

  That's nice, right?

• 47:39Tom Segura?

  Thanks.

• 47:40Speaker 06

  You look great. It's crazy. I have to talk to you about that. This is my number one question I've had forever. Did it piss you off so much when he got ripped? That would piss me off so, I don't know. It would annoy me, him just going out in the world ripped after being a fat boy.

• 47:56Tom Segura?

  You just talked about that.

• 47:57Speaker 06

  Having him caged up as a fat boy is so sick.

• 48:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  You think so? Why? Why, why is it, what's the thinking?

• 48:04Speaker 06

  I'm like a, I'm like a very jealous, crazy person.

• 48:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course, yes, me too.

• 48:07Speaker 06

  Oh, okay, okay, okay. So him being a fat boy, people are like, oh, yeah, I, being the one who's, people are like, why are you with that guy? That's what I like. And then him getting ripped would piss me off.

• 48:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  So true, cuz you're, cuz, cuz I was like, better than him, right?

• 48:22Speaker 06

  You're still better than him. Let's be clear. Okay? You talk out of your side of your mouth, it's so, it's the hottest thing ever.

• 48:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you.

• 48:28Speaker 06

  Have people tell you that?

• 48:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, but.

• 48:30Speaker 06

  The side of the mouth thing?

• 48:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so sweet.

• 48:31Speaker 06

  It's the best, right?

• 48:32Tom Segura?

  They're doing that forever.

• 48:33Speaker 06

  That's the best.

• 48:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  He never tells me these things. This is why I'm a woman of my own.

• 48:36Tom Segura?

  Fix your fucking mouth.

• 48:37Speaker 06

  Yeah. Open the other side.

• 48:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  He puts me down, which feels good.

• 48:42Speaker 06

  That's good. That's what we like.

• 48:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 48:44Speaker 06

  Reminds us of our.

• 48:44Tom Segura?

  You guys are just the fucking same.

• 48:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love, I love you so much. Can I tell you what, okay, tru, don't listen. The, the one thing that I do get a little annoyed with, and this is all male comics, especially the Austin ones, it's the, you know, the talk about, did you cold plunge, bro?

• 49:00Speaker 06

  Oh, you're sick of that.

• 49:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta get into cold plunge.

• 49:02Speaker 06

  Right. And you're like, I remember when you were Tootsie Roll Boy.

• 49:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you sauna, bro? Do you even sauna, bro? What about kettlebells? You fucking lifting? And, and hearing them brag about, how come I'm not cold plunging? Cause I'm a woman. I don't want to cold plunge. It doesn't excite me. I, I, the pain is in my body already.

• 49:18Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 49:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've had two children. I, I don't need to do these things.

• 49:21Speaker 06

  No, it's in your heart also.

• 49:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  The period. Yeah, I don't need it.

• 49:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, totally.

• 49:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he needs to hurt himself and that.

• 49:27Speaker 06

  They love hurting themselves. It makes them think that they're young.

• 49:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that what that is?

• 49:31Speaker 06

  I think it is. I think it's a clinging, right? Don't you think that?

• 49:33Tom Segura?

  It's something.

• 49:34Speaker 06

  It's something where you're like, I'm.

• 49:36Tom Segura?

  You need to suffer some.

• 49:37Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 49:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why is the suffering? You know what's so funny? So before you got here, Annie was saying that what makes a man gay is joy. And being silly and joyful and enjoying things.

• 49:49Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 49:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Makes him gay. And I, I think I agree with that.

• 49:52Tom Segura?

  When a guy's too happy, you're like, this guy's gay.

• 49:54Speaker 06

  That's true.

• 49:55Tom Segura?

  It's just hilarious. Why are you smiling so much, Nick? Yeah. Why are you smiling all the time, bro?

• 49:59Speaker 06

  That's true.

• 50:00Tom Segura?

  Some of the smiles.

• 50:00Speaker 06

  It's not fair that you can say the N word like that. It sounds so much better when he does that.

• 50:04Tom Segura?

  Go ahead.

• 50:05Speaker 06

  No, I'm not gonna say it. No, I'm not. I just got dragged on the internet for saying a bad word.

• 50:10Tom Segura?

  What'd you say?

• 50:10Speaker 06

  I was saying it in a good way. I was saying that when people say the word T R A N N Y.

• 50:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:15Speaker 06

  That that is a thing that means, to me, it's so antiquated that it sounds like they're just saying drag queen. Like, that's what I think of when people refer. But they clipped it and made it look like I was saying that word, just throwing it out there and being like, and those people are just in drag. That's what they clipped in and I got dragged in here.

• 50:35Speaker 06

  Isn't that crazy, dude?

• 50:37Tom Segura?

  Where did you say it?

• 50:38Speaker 06

  I said it on Stavi's podcast and Stavi's all fucking woke ass, little bitch ass. And he was like, Jordan, whoa. And I was like, dude, I get that you were on Come Town for years and you have to undo that, but please, cut me some slack here.

• 50:52Tom Segura?

  Oh, shit.

• 50:52Speaker 06

  I do love him though. People wanted me to be mad at him, but I love him.

• 50:55Tom Segura?

  No, he's great.

• 50:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, so why do you like to the suffering? What is this shit?

• 50:59Speaker 06

  I will say I like a cold plunge. I like a cold plunge because of the inflammation.

• 51:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what you are? You're a gender traitor.

• 51:05Speaker 06

  Oh, my God.

• 51:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're a gender traitor. That should be the name of your next fucking special.

• 51:08Speaker 06

  That gender traitor. That's what I called.

• 51:12Speaker 06

  I call many people that.

• 51:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 51:14Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, I call many people that. I call many, I think I called Robbie Hoffman a gender traitor. Because they were like, I don't care what you identify me as, but you can choose what you want. I'm like, just say woman, so that you're a cool woman. We need more cool women.

• 51:26Tom Segura?

  Dude, for years, she is like the only fucking American I've met who has like, doesn't, still doesn't understand the game of football, right?

• 51:36Speaker 06

  I don't like it.

• 51:37Tom Segura?

  So whenever I'm watching football.

• 51:38Speaker 06

  I'm the same way.

• 51:39Tom Segura?

  And there's a sideline reporter that's a woman, she'll be like, look at this fucking gender traitor.

• 51:42Speaker 06

  I get that, I get that.

• 51:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like that they're, I don't like that they're with their tendrils and their, well, I'm here on the sidelines. Like, they know football. I don't believe it.

• 51:51Speaker 06

  I view a gender traitor sometimes as also people who are too feminine and like, women who get giant lip fillers and fake tits. I'm like, gender traitor.

• 52:00Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 52:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:01Tom Segura?

  I've never heard it that way.

• 52:01Speaker 06

  Because you have to age, we have to age like Native American chiefs altogether. We have to go one, two, three, no more gooey gooey gumdrops. And they have to learn, you guys have to learn to fuck our tiny little weird mouths and holes.

• 52:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:13Speaker 06

  And so sometimes when people are too feminine, yeah.

• 52:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's true. I know what you're saying.

• 52:17Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  When it's taken to the absurd level, they have to learn to like our wrinkled pussies and our wrinkled mouths. And you fuck this tiny little hole. I agree with you.

• 52:26Speaker 06

  Totally.

• 52:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I get it.

• 52:27Speaker 06

  Totally.

• 52:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna stop doing all this shit to my fucking face now.

• 52:30Speaker 06

  Are you doing face stuff?

• 52:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  The fact that you have to ask is really nice.

• 52:33Tom Segura?

  That's good.

• 52:34Speaker 06

  There is it.

• 52:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I had a brow lift.

• 52:35Speaker 06

  Oh, I want that.

• 52:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you don't need it yet. You're years away. You look great. You don't need anything. Yeah, filzies and botox and a brow lift.

• 52:42Speaker 06

  Filzies, where's the filzies?

• 52:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lips, cheeksees.

• 52:45Speaker 06

  Yours doesn't look like it at all. I never would have guessed. That's really good.

• 52:48Tom Segura?

  That means subtle.

• 52:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  That means it's subtle.

• 52:50Speaker 06

  What about the lip flip?

• 52:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do lip, not the flip. I will not do the flip.

• 52:52Speaker 06

  What's the flip?

• 52:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  It looks terrible.

• 52:54Speaker 06

  Oh, it does?

• 52:55Tom Segura?

  You know, people have accused me of lip filler, and it's only because I have beautiful full lips? Isn't that crazy?

• 53:00Speaker 06

  That's crazy.

• 53:01Tom Segura?

  That's crazy, yeah.

• 53:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Especially when it's.

• 53:03Speaker 06

  But you're not doing anything, you're just doing peptides and working out?

• 53:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he doesn't.

• 53:07Speaker 06

  Did people accuse you of a ZMP?

• 53:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 53:09Speaker 06

  That sucks.

• 53:10Tom Segura?

  But I also tried to like, I did, I did do a fast. I did a five day fast. And then I, I went from that to shoot a movie. And I was trying to tell like, it's like, it's, it's all circumstances. When you finish a fast, they're like, hey, when you go back to eating, start eating small, right? Like you don't go from not eating to like stuff. And I just so happened to end the fast, start shooting a movie. And in a movie, if you're like in all these scenes, you're always like, yeah, I don't want to eat too much. So I was like eating the way.

• 53:40Speaker 06

  Oh, so you kept fasting?

• 53:41Tom Segura?

  Well, I just started eating like these like regular like small portions for six weeks. And then I, I kept losing weight.

• 53:49Speaker 06

  Oh, you basically fasted and then you did, see this, this is what I mean. When I did the movie, I was in a movie. I was in a movie. I'll say it.

• 53:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:56Speaker 06

  Everybody was going to this.

• 53:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  What movie are you in?

• 53:58Speaker 06

  Bradley Cooper's movie.

• 53:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get the fuck out of here. He's the biggest thing in the world.

• 54:03Speaker 06

  I know. He's very handsome.

• 54:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  What, it was, is it out? Is it coming out soon?

• 54:07Speaker 06

  December 19th.

• 54:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, oh my gosh. Can we say what it's called?

• 54:11Tom Segura?

  Did you kiss him?

• 54:11Speaker 06

  It's called.

• 54:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's so cute.

• 54:13Speaker 06

  Is this thing on? And I'm not allowed to talk about it.

• 54:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, when I talk about it, I want to talk about it.

• 54:17Speaker 06

  I'm not allowed to talk about anything.

• 54:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  He looks so good. He's had good work done. Yeah?

• 54:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:21Speaker 06

  I don't know if he's, yeah.

• 54:22Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 54:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  They all have good work done.

• 54:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's got a great work.

• 54:25Speaker 06

  But on that set, nobody was eating. I ate everything.

• 54:28Tom Segura?

  Oh, you did?

• 54:29Speaker 06

  They were like, just like, nobody was eating. Everybody was nibbling. I was like, give me everything.

• 54:32Tom Segura?

  I didn't eat fucking anything, bro.

• 54:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, this is so cool.

• 54:35Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 54:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I'm so excited. That's gonna be good.

• 54:39Speaker 06

  Laura Dern's in it. Oh, I love Laura Dern.

• 54:42Tom Segura?

  Look at that.

• 54:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Amy Sedaris!

• 54:44Speaker 06

  She rolls. She rolls.

• 54:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you get to know her?

• 54:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's awesome.

• 54:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm obsessed with Amy Sedaris.

• 54:49Tom Segura?

  There you are. Jordan Johnson.

• 54:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where's her picture? Where?

• 54:51Tom Segura?

  Right there.

• 54:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's like, I'm casual.

• 54:54Speaker 06

  I did not choose that picture.

• 54:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, you didn't choose this one?

• 54:56Speaker 06

  What is swampy? Who's that?

• 54:59Speaker 06

  Who swan me? You didn't meet her.

• 55:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, that's a very-

• 55:02Speaker 06

  Swan me swampo?

• 55:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Intense headshot, too.

• 55:06Tom Segura?

  Swan me some payo. Oh, she's Brazilian.

• 55:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, she's foreign.

• 55:09Tom Segura?

  Jesus, I don't.

• 55:11Speaker 06

  Um, yesterday, because to celebrate the special, I said that I was gonna have ice cream and I went too hard.

• 55:16Tom Segura?

  How hard'd you go?

• 55:17Speaker 06

  Cookie dough in, mixed in with the toasted marshmallow ice cream and chocolate fudge and-

• 55:23Tom Segura?

  Both times that I've, uh, went to Ian's place to do your guys' podcast.

• 55:27Speaker 06

  You've gone sicko mode.

• 55:28Tom Segura?

  I've gone sick. I got sick.

• 55:29Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 55:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, with that chicken sandwich.

• 55:31Speaker 06

  Chicken sandwich.

• 55:32Tom Segura?

  God damn it.

• 55:32Speaker 06

  You loved it, though. It was worth it.

• 55:34Tom Segura?

  It was fucking best, dude.

• 55:34Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 55:35Tom Segura?

  The best.

• 55:35Speaker 06

  Look at this tiny ass dog. Look at this shit.

• 55:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love this dog.

• 55:39Speaker 06

  Isn't she the best?

• 55:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 55:41Speaker 06

  You're on camera. She met so many famous people she never even knows. She was playing with Rogan yesterday.

• 55:45Tom Segura?

  Are you super stoked to have your special out? Like, are you excited?

• 55:48Speaker 06

  No.

• 55:49Tom Segura?

  No?

• 55:49Speaker 06

  Not at all. Nothing feels good.

• 55:51Tom Segura?

  No?

• 55:52Speaker 06

  Bro, I mean, I'm like, it's miserable.

• 55:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:55Speaker 06

  I'm so upset about getting dragged on Twitter. I'm so upset about the breakup.

• 55:59Tom Segura?

  Well, you broke up?

• 56:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  We broke up.

• 56:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:01Tom Segura?

  Well, you didn't say that.

• 56:02Speaker 06

  I, dude, you're, every time I see you, it's either I break, like, it's on and off constantly.

• 56:06Tom Segura?

  It's always on and off.

• 56:07Speaker 06

  But it's off. It's off and I'm fucking-

• 56:09Tom Segura?

  How long's it been off now?

• 56:11Speaker 06

  I don't know. Couple weeks.

• 56:12Tom Segura?

  Ah, this is the standard.

• 56:14Speaker 06

  No, but it sucks, dude. I thought I would be like glowing and, I mean, the ice cream helped.

• 56:18Tom Segura?

  The ice cream's great.

• 56:19Speaker 06

  But no, I'm sleepy.

• 56:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have a question.

• 56:21Speaker 06

  Yes?

• 56:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  But when you break up, can you have sex with new people? That seems like-

• 56:25Speaker 06

  I don't have sex. I don't sex. I don't sex with the people. I can't do it. I can't get myself out of bro mode into sex mode.

• 56:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow. We need to chat.

• 56:34Speaker 06

  What, you be, you be sexing?

• 56:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I mean, I'm per, I'm like, per menopause.

• 56:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:39Speaker 06

  Yeah. I'm on so much-

• 56:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just with alcohol, just drink a lot.

• 56:43Speaker 06

  I know, but I'm on so much Prozac.

• 56:45Tom Segura?

  Booze it up and fuck some guy on the streets, you know?

• 56:48Speaker 06

  Yeah, but then you fuck them. Here's what happens. You go, I gotta get over this, and you fuck somebody, and then you wake, you come to halfway through, not like out of a blackout, but just in lucidity, and you realize there's some pig on you humping you, and you go, who is this for? Who is this for? Me? Cause I'm not gonna come.

• 57:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 57:04Speaker 06

  You know?

• 57:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Sure.

• 57:09Tom Segura?

  And we want you to come, dude. It's one of the big things we were talking about. I hope Jordan comes.

• 57:14Speaker 06

  Yeah. And it's like, then you just realize you're-

• 57:16Tom Segura?

  You know what the problem is, dude?

• 57:18Speaker 06

  What?

• 57:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're too mature.

• 57:19Tom Segura?

  No, you're just not meeting the right guys. I feel like we could just introduce you to some guys and then maybe you would change your mind.

• 57:26Speaker 06

  Cold plunge guys?

• 57:27Tom Segura?

  No.

• 57:28Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 57:29Tom Segura?

  Let's get you like-

• 57:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you, but that's kind of, that's the guy you should be fucking. Hold on. Is that even though the cold plunge talk annoys me and the VR talk?

• 57:38Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 57:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, like that stuff?

• 57:39Speaker 06

  Are you a VR guy, Dom?

• 57:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. He's fighting wars in Fallujah, babe.

• 57:43Tom Segura?

  Dude, I haven't even, no, they gave me one for Christmas two years ago. I haven't even seen that thing. Well, yeah, I was not gonna leave my guys fucking behind.

• 57:52Speaker 06

  Yeah, okay. I get that.

• 57:53Tom Segura?

  So, yeah, I was on ships and like, it was fucking nuts, dude.

• 57:56Speaker 06

  That's crazy.

• 57:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you do want to have relationships and sex with alpha guys like that. Like, is this guy like, kind of like a beta guy?

• 58:04Tom Segura?

  I don't know what the fuck she's talking about.

• 58:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're like, you're a, you're a soft alpha. You're not like a jerk alpha.

• 58:08Speaker 06

  You are a soft alpha.

• 58:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 58:09Speaker 06

  He is.

• 58:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  He is a soft alpha.

• 58:11Speaker 06

  You are a soft alpha.

• 58:12Tom Segura?

  What does that even mean?

• 58:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's, it means that you're dominant.

• 58:15Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 58:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you're not a douchebag.

• 58:17Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 58:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're a masculine man, but you're not-

• 58:20Speaker 06

  You'll stand up. If somebody does something wrong to you, you'll be like, don't do that.

• 58:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 58:24Speaker 06

  That's good.

• 58:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:25Speaker 06

  Right?

• 58:26Tom Segura?

  Great.

• 58:26Speaker 06

  Won't you? Say you will.

• 58:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, fuck yeah.

• 58:28Speaker 06

  Say I'm an alpha. Say I'm a strong man.

• 58:30Tom Segura?

  No. Definitely not doing that. You're not gonna drag me on that.

• 58:38Tom Segura?

  All right, let me, let me just, like, let's get you some men to consider. Okay?

• 58:43Speaker 06

  All right, they have to be like borderline, they have to be like, pretty, like Irish Catholic.

• 58:48Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 58:48Speaker 06

  Pretty shut down emotional.

• 58:49Tom Segura?

  All right, I got a few for you.

• 58:51Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 58:51Tom Segura?

  Okay, look at the screen, okay?

• 58:52Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 58:54Speaker 14

  Hello, excuse me?

• 58:57Speaker 14

  Can I talk to you, please, girl? Life feels like hell without a girlfriend. Someone to talk to, always think about, to make me a better person and to bring the best out of me.

• 59:09Speaker 06

  This guy needs a green card so bad.

• 59:10Speaker 14

  And to enjoy the best forever young years together.

• 59:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Forever young years.

• 59:14Speaker 14

  Go on adventures, drink, have passionate hardcore sex every day and every night.

• 59:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, dude.

• 59:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hardcore sex.

• 59:22Speaker 14

  Cause I'm trying to sweat, girl. I wanna lose some face fat.

• 59:25Speaker 06

  I think he has a mixture of lyrics he's reading from.

• 59:27Speaker 14

  There's nothing wrong with being horny, girl. It's part of life. Everyone's different. I get horny fast, girl.

• 59:35Speaker 06

  What?

• 59:35Speaker 14

  I got a thick and pink dick. It gets hard like a rock, girl. I want you to jack it off, baby, and kiss my neck, girl. And I'll kiss your neck, too, girl. And play with your hair, girl.

• 59:47Speaker 06

  Whoa, whoa, whoa.

• 59:48Speaker 14

  And grip my hands on your thighs, baby, and rub it up and down.

• 59:52Speaker 06

  Here's the deal, if that's a bit, he's my husband.

• 59:55Tom Segura?

  It's not a bit.

• 59:56Speaker 06

  You know what I mean?

• 59:57Tom Segura?

  Yes, I know exactly what you're saying.

• 59:58Speaker 06

  If it was, incredible.

• 59:59Tom Segura?

  It's incredible.

• 1:00:00Speaker 06

  Like the guy who does, you've seen the guy who puts his bare feet up behind him? And he goes, hello, princess. That guy is doing a bit.

• 1:00:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you love it.

• 1:00:08Speaker 06

  I'd marry him, yeah. Because he's able to.

• 1:00:11Tom Segura?

  Do that.

• 1:00:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was real. He's, he's round, right?

• 1:00:15Speaker 06

  That guy is reading R and B lyrics. He's just listening to rap in his weird car, buying fucking whatever, Mercedes jury.

• 1:00:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:22Speaker 06

  Yeah, and just trying to get a wife so he can stay in America, so he can keep his bodega open.

• 1:00:27Tom Segura?

  Um, do you like Persian guys? Cause that's, I think what this is.

• 1:00:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he's Glendale Garrett.

• 1:00:31Speaker 06

  I like the rugs they make, but that's exclusively it.

• 1:00:33Tom Segura?

  Okay. All right, well, let's, let's pivot.

• 1:00:35Speaker 06

  My vagina is pretty racist.

• 1:00:37Tom Segura?

  Is it?

• 1:00:37Speaker 06

  I'm not. I love all people. But my vagina.

• 1:00:41Tom Segura?

  Likes Irish, Catholic, anything else?

• 1:00:46Speaker 06

  That's pretty much all I've ever done.

• 1:00:47Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:00:48Speaker 06

  It's really bad.

• 1:00:48Tom Segura?

  That's it?

• 1:00:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really? You've only done whiteys?

• 1:00:50Tom Segura?

  You've never sampled another flavor?

• 1:00:51Speaker 06

  I've sampled, I've sampled, but in relationships, it's always Irish, Catholic. Raised to keep their feelings inside.

• 1:00:58Tom Segura?

  You like that?

• 1:00:59Speaker 06

  And they cry single tears.

• 1:01:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, you were raised by two women. Wasn't like feelings talk a big thing amongst the three of you?

• 1:01:06Speaker 06

  Hmm, it was. My mom is a dad and my dad is a dad. And, you know what I mean? So it was two dads, basically. Cause one's a bull dyke and one's a man. And then the mothers were disrespected. The other mother was like, she's emotional. And I'd be like, yeah, she's a fucking dumb dyke. You know, so I was taught to not respect the emotions because my mom was the swaggy one. My mom is cool as hell.

• 1:01:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:31Speaker 06

  My mom met Tom and like blew him off.

• 1:01:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, really?

• 1:01:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, she was awesome.

• 1:01:35Speaker 06

  She was like talking, she was like talking about something and he comes over and I'm like, oh my God, mom is gonna get all Twitter pitted because she loves you.

• 1:01:41Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 1:01:41Speaker 06

  And she came over and she's like, yeah, and then the fucking, the fucking Iran conflict over here. Listen to me. I was like, she didn't pivot. She wasn't at all like, oh, Tom, hello.

• 1:01:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:50Speaker 06

  She just kept ranting.

• 1:01:52Tom Segura?

  She was great. She was great.

• 1:01:53Speaker 06

  She's great.

• 1:01:54Tom Segura?

  Um, all right. How about this guy? This is a different guy.

• 1:01:57Speaker 15

  Okay, I've been on here, I've been polite, I've been kind, I've been honest and sincere. Well, I like to have some nookie right on my lips. I would like to have some titties around my face. I would like to have some sex.

• 1:02:15Speaker 06

  I like this man.

• 1:02:16Speaker 15

  I like to have a woman in my home.

• 1:02:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, in my home.

• 1:02:20Speaker 15

  I can make love to.

• 1:02:21Speaker 06

  Look at the screen on his computer is a woman.

• 1:02:24Tom Segura?

  It's Rachel Maddow.

• 1:02:25Speaker 15

  Little boys.

• 1:02:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  He likes Rachel.

• 1:02:26Tom Segura?

  He's progressive.

• 1:02:27Speaker 15

  They get themselves off and then oops, they don't care about their partner. Oh, I'll make you come.

• 1:02:33Tom Segura?

  See?

• 1:02:34Speaker 15

  I last lady 10, 15 times before I even went to Boomer.

• 1:02:40Speaker 06

  Oh, maybe I am gay, dude. This is pulling me in the opposite direction. Really brutal stuff.

• 1:02:44Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:02:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, really. Just the idea that this is the inner monologue of most men.

• 1:02:50Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:02:50Speaker 06

  Just a quiet old man going, I want nookie.

• 1:02:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:54Speaker 06

  I want titties on my titties, on my face and on my willies.

• 1:02:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:58Speaker 06

  Is really like, that's just behind all of your cold bunding is just a creepy guy in glasses going, I want pudding.

• 1:03:05Tom Segura?

  That's in every man's.

• 1:03:07Speaker 06

  I know.

• 1:03:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:08Speaker 06

  I can see that. I can see the way the fish eye is.

• 1:03:10Tom Segura?

  I would like to have.

• 1:03:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  And also, I don't like his gross exaggeration that I just picked up on and we watched him.

• 1:03:19Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:03:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  He goes, oh, I made her come 15 times.

• 1:03:23Speaker 06

  We can't even do that. We can't even do that. Honestly. We can't.

• 1:03:27Tom Segura?

  I've seen it. So.

• 1:03:29Speaker 06

  You've seen it in a porn where she said, watch me come 15 times.

• 1:03:34Tom Segura?

  Hey, you 15 guys, you're gonna make me come each one of you. Yes.

• 1:03:40Tom Segura?

  Okay, so that guy you're passing on.

• 1:03:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:03:42Tom Segura?

  Well, shit, that's kind of a bummer. Uh.

• 1:03:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I thought.

• 1:03:46Speaker 15

  I'll make this brief. I'm John, are you shipment?

• 1:03:51Speaker 16

  I'm looking for girls for pussy.

• 1:03:55Speaker 16

  I love to eat pussy.

• 1:03:57Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:03:58Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:03:59Tom Segura?

  You know.

• 1:03:59Speaker 06

  That he looks a little Irish.

• 1:04:00Speaker 16

  If you're in a fat guy's. You're looking for some action, you live in Missouri.

• 1:04:07Speaker 16

  Please.

• 1:04:08Speaker 06

  Please.

• 1:04:09Speaker 16

  Call me.

• 1:04:10Speaker 06

  Please.

• 1:04:11Speaker 16

  At one five seven.

• 1:04:12Speaker 06

  Oh, wow.

• 1:04:13Speaker 16

  Text me. At one six three.

• 1:04:16Speaker 06

  I like the way he's talking with his mouth like this.

• 1:04:18Speaker 16

  I built sex swing time machine out of beef jerky.

• 1:04:22Tom Segura?

  See?

• 1:04:22Speaker 16

  I want a girl looking a little blonde with her pussy.

• 1:04:24Speaker 06

  Wait, sex swing?

• 1:04:25Speaker 16

  Text me at one six.

• 1:04:26Speaker 06

  Time machine out of beef jerky?

• 1:04:27Speaker 16

  My name's John, call me.

• 1:04:29Speaker 06

  John?

• 1:04:29Speaker 16

  At one five five.

• 1:04:31Speaker 06

  John's kind of close to what I'm into.

• 1:04:33Tom Segura?

  Do you like ambitious men?

• 1:04:34Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:04:35Tom Segura?

  You do?

• 1:04:35Speaker 06

  Sex swing out of jerky?

• 1:04:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's pretty impressive, but like a guy that really has like, you know, like high aspirations like this other guy.

• 1:04:42Speaker 10

  Hello, my name is Matthew Garapic and I'm a candidate for president in 2032. As you may know already, I'm looking for a woman to impregnate. Must be 18 years older and no more than 145 pounds.

• 1:04:56Speaker 06

  Jesus.

• 1:04:57Speaker 10

  I'm looking primarily for a white or a Spanish woman.

• 1:05:00Tom Segura?

  So far, dude.

• 1:05:00Speaker 10

  If you feel like you have a chance at becoming one of the lucky ladies, that'll be my first lady when I run for president in 2032. Please email an application of some photos and where you're from to [email protected]. I'll have my staff reach out to you if you seem to be a good fit.

• 1:05:23Speaker 06

  I like this.

• 1:05:24Speaker 10

  Remember, in 2032, to vote for Matthew Garapic for president.

• 1:05:26Speaker 06

  I like this because he's, he's setting his boundaries. He knows what he wants.

• 1:05:30Tom Segura?

  He does know what he wants.

• 1:05:31Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:05:32Tom Segura?

  And we already have a, um, we have a, a profile for you that we're gonna email in.

• 1:05:38Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:05:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, if you sign off on it, yeah.

• 1:05:39Speaker 06

  Okay, great.

• 1:05:40Tom Segura?

  We got photos, we got like where you live. Yeah, just to see if maybe.

• 1:05:43Speaker 06

  I'm on Raya.

• 1:05:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  You are?

• 1:05:44Speaker 06

  Nightmare.

• 1:05:45Tom Segura?

  Is it?

• 1:05:46Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:05:46Tom Segura?

  Tell us about it.

• 1:05:47Speaker 06

  It's fucking, I'll show, oh, I can't show.

• 1:05:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're, you're doing this too?

• 1:05:51Speaker 06

  I know. Gender traitor, I know.

• 1:05:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're such a.

• 1:05:54Tom Segura?

  Wait a minute, tell us about Raya.

• 1:05:56Speaker 06

  It's, dude, who would ever want to date a guy with a headshot? You know what I mean? It's brutal. And he has to have one.

• 1:06:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  He does.

• 1:06:03Tom Segura?

  A headshot?

• 1:06:04Speaker 06

  From, yeah.

• 1:06:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, from doing.

• 1:06:06Speaker 06

  But these are guys like with photography photos, petting a horse.

• 1:06:09Tom Segura?

  And that are not even actors.

• 1:06:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, I thought they were hat, they had to be actors to be on Raya.

• 1:06:14Speaker 06

  They're like, can I show?

• 1:06:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  I thought they had to be show business people.

• 1:06:18Tom Segura?

  We just won't, we won't put them on blast, but we'll look.

• 1:06:21Speaker 06

  They're like, I think they can't be on blast because their names.

• 1:06:25Tom Segura?

  Well, you know what I mean. We're not gonna show the camera, right?

• 1:06:28Speaker 06

  Oh, it won't load because there's no service in here. But they're like, they're, they're too, they're beautiful. And they know they're beautiful and the photos that have been taken of them are to show that they're beautiful.

• 1:06:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  This I don't like. I don't like it when a man knows he's attractive. That's the most unattractive quality.

• 1:06:42Speaker 06

  It's brutal. Hinge is great for me. It's just a bunch of dirtbags, but I can't be on Hinge now.

• 1:06:47Tom Segura?

  But wait a minute. You just got through telling us though, that like, I don't want just to like, meet somebody and bang them, right? So are you, are you saying you're using these for the potential of a long-term relationship? You are. Okay. But you're just gonna, you're just gonna reconnect with your.

• 1:07:00Speaker 06

  I'm not.

• 1:07:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you are.

• 1:07:02Speaker 06

  I'm not. That's the last time.

• 1:07:04Tom Segura?

  That is not the last.

• 1:07:04Speaker 06

  It's the last time.

• 1:07:06Tom Segura?

  How many times is it?

• 1:07:07Speaker 06

  What about this?

• 1:07:07Tom Segura?

  How many times?

• 1:07:08Speaker 06

  What about this? Nine or so?

• 1:07:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 1:07:12Speaker 06

  It's a lot.

• 1:07:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys are broken up.

• 1:07:14Speaker 06

  Totally lost count. Yeah, it's a lot. What if I give you something if I do? Like I have to?

• 1:07:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:19Speaker 06

  Yeah. Can we do something like that? That would actually help me.

• 1:07:21Tom Segura?

  All right, coyote.

• 1:07:22Speaker 06

  Oh, my God.

• 1:07:25Speaker 06

  This is fucked up. One time I lost her in the woods and I told my dead dad that if he returned her, I would never talk to him again. I did talk to him again.

• 1:07:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, your dad.

• 1:07:34Speaker 06

  But she was returned. But then I talked to him again.

• 1:07:36Tom Segura?

  You did talk to him.

• 1:07:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look at, look how happy she is.

• 1:07:39Speaker 06

  I love when she goes Chinese, man.

• 1:07:41Tom Segura?

  That's also gonna get you dragged on the internet.

• 1:07:43Speaker 06

  What? She's going full Miyazaki. No, what's the guy's name from Karate Kid?

• 1:07:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Miyagi.

• 1:07:49Speaker 06

  Miyagi. This is Miyagi doggy.

• 1:07:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Miyagi doggy. May I ask you, why, what, what causes? If you could give me broad strokes, what, what causes the breakups? If it, if it's a repetitive?

• 1:08:00Speaker 06

  It's just an avoidant. It's just an avoidant. It's just, we just get to a certain place and he goes, nope, too much.

• 1:08:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  It gets too, too emotionally close. You guys are too close. He gets scared.

• 1:08:10Speaker 06

  It's like everything's fine and then all of a sudden I'm like, hey, I, I could, I, I, there's a need that I have. And he goes, this is a little bit too much for me. And I go, well, this is a relationship. And he goes, well, I don't even know if I want a relationship. And I was like, well, we're in a relationship. And then it gets, it's just an avoidant. He's just a, and I'm anxious.

• 1:08:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:25Speaker 06

  So the more he pulls away, instead of being like, you take your space. I'll talk to you in a few days. I go, is everything okay? And he goes, I need to, you know, it's the classic.

• 1:08:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's one of them.

• 1:08:33Speaker 06

  And it's addicting.

• 1:08:34Tom Segura?

  And then it resets.

• 1:08:34Speaker 06

  And then it resets. Yeah.

• 1:08:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, man.

• 1:08:37Tom Segura?

  So next week, when you guys are together again.

• 1:08:39Speaker 06

  Yeah. I have to, we, we need to do like a deal.

• 1:08:43Tom Segura?

  What's our deal gonna be?

• 1:08:44Speaker 06

  Like a thousand dollars or something.

• 1:08:46Tom Segura?

  No, no, no. You make too much. I already know.

• 1:08:48Speaker 06

  Fuck.

• 1:08:49Tom Segura?

  It's nothing to you.

• 1:08:50Speaker 06

  The dog is good.

• 1:08:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:54Speaker 06

  What about you give me something if I make it a year?

• 1:08:59Tom Segura?

  A year?

• 1:08:59Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:00Tom Segura?

  What do I give you?

• 1:09:01Speaker 06

  Something good.

• 1:09:02Tom Segura?

  Something good.

• 1:09:03Speaker 06

  Your wife.

• 1:09:04Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 1:09:05Speaker 06

  What do you got? You got something good?

• 1:09:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Taker.

• 1:09:06Tom Segura?

  Huh?

• 1:09:07Speaker 06

  You got something good?

• 1:09:08Tom Segura?

  I got some good stuff.

• 1:09:08Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:09:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah. I'm trying to think of like-

• 1:09:10Speaker 06

  A watch. I want a watch.

• 1:09:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's good.

• 1:09:12Tom Segura?

  You want like a fucking drill bit.

• 1:09:14Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:14Tom Segura?

  So, how about I buy you a crazy tool set?

• 1:09:19Speaker 06

  That would be pretty good.

• 1:09:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:21Speaker 06

  Okay, just how about, even if you just say there'll be a prize if I make it a year?

• 1:09:25Tom Segura?

  There'll be a prize.

• 1:09:25Speaker 06

  That'll help.

• 1:09:26Tom Segura?

  Wait, do you really want a watch?

• 1:09:27Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:28Tom Segura?

  I could see you rocking a cool watch.

• 1:09:29Speaker 06

  Yeah. I love when you have watches. I just don't, I don't know what watch to get. I got one was stupid.

• 1:09:34Tom Segura?

  What'd you get?

• 1:09:35Speaker 06

  One from Seiko.

• 1:09:36Tom Segura?

  Seiko.

• 1:09:37Speaker 06

  Seiko.

• 1:09:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:38Speaker 06

  Yeah. I like it, but-

• 1:09:40Tom Segura?

  Wait, what, do you like a metal bracelet or do you like a leather or rubber strap?

• 1:09:43Speaker 06

  Metal.

• 1:09:44Tom Segura?

  You like metal?

• 1:09:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:45Tom Segura?

  I know what you should get.

• 1:09:46Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:09:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we'll talk about it off air.

• 1:09:47Speaker 06

  Okay, so you'll get me that in a year.

• 1:09:48Tom Segura?

  Otherwise they'll be like, "Oh, I'm poor." So yeah, we'll talk about it.

• 1:09:50Speaker 06

  Okay, great.

• 1:09:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you into carpentry?

• 1:09:53Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  You really are?

• 1:09:54Speaker 06

  I mean, I did it for so long that now I'm fucking not. I did it as a job so much that now when people are like, "Help me build it," I'm like, "Oh, fuck yourself."

• 1:10:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can legit build things like bookshelves and stuff?

• 1:10:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:10:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 1:10:05Speaker 06

  They're not great. They're not like ornate, you know, they're not like that, but I can build you a bookshelf.

• 1:10:11Tom Segura?

  We're looking for a year? You're gonna take a year off?

• 1:10:14Speaker 06

  Dude, if there's a-

• 1:10:15Tom Segura?

  Hold on, you're gonna say it.

• 1:10:16Speaker 06

  I will, I will go a year if you, if I, if there's a prize.

• 1:10:21Tom Segura?

  There's a prize. There's a good prize.

• 1:10:23Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:10:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, substantial.

• 1:10:24Speaker 06

  Do you think a year's too long? Should we set it?

• 1:10:26Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:10:27Speaker 06

  Oh, you like a year?

• 1:10:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, let's not reduce the time.

• 1:10:30Speaker 06

  Okay. What's the date? September 9th, my special came out. That's how we'll remember.

• 1:10:35Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:10:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn.

• 1:10:36Tom Segura?

  So you're telling me we're looking at next fall?

• 1:10:40Speaker 06

  I, if I keep doing this, I will die.

• 1:10:43Tom Segura?

  I know you will.

• 1:10:44Speaker 06

  You saw me. We were offstage. I'm in his little fucking baby bed. What was that thing called? The coffin in the tour, what's that thing called where we sleep? In the tour bus.

• 1:10:54Tom Segura?

  Tour, oh, just.

• 1:10:54Speaker 06

  Crying in the tour bus, crying in the tour bus. Your, your little cute video editor, find me in the green. I'm about to do a fucking arena with Tom Segura, best day ever. Yesterday, best day ever, fucking dealing with X. It's crazy. It's gotta stop.

• 1:11:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's gotta stop.

• 1:11:08Speaker 06

  It only leads to bad things. It makes me miserable. It's very, he's my best friend. I love him so much, but as a relationship, it does not work. He rules. He's so funny. I would never say any negative things about him, but we are, we are fire and water. We are oil and water.

• 1:11:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  What if in this one?

• 1:11:22Speaker 06

  Whatever the things are bad.

• 1:11:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. In this one year, you could meet somebody who was emotionally available to you, like.

• 1:11:30Speaker 06

  Cause I need like a year, I think, to just be Jordan, cause I've been spending my whole life chasing boys, you know.

• 1:11:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:11:35Speaker 06

  It's crazy. It's too long.

• 1:11:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like, well, I was like, I always tell ladies, not Tom, so just don't listen.

• 1:11:41Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:11:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like it, when he drops dead, I'm not even.

• 1:11:44Speaker 06

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You use his money to do fun things.

• 1:11:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, yeah, but like, I don't know who these, these, I see these women on Instagram that are my age and they're like newly divorced and their pussies are on fire. And they have got multiple kids and they're like, I'm out dating and having sex. It's like, why do you want to even, aren't you done?

• 1:12:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:12:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've already had the kids. You're men, you're in menopause.

• 1:12:05Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:12:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  When are you gonna just shut it down?

• 1:12:07Speaker 06

  It's crazy.

• 1:12:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just stop.

• 1:12:09Speaker 06

  It's cause they're stunted emotionally, I think.

• 1:12:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:12:11Speaker 06

  Like my mom is like, I'm never fucking again. That's crazy. I have two pit bulls to snuggle with me at night. I'm good. And that's nice.

• 1:12:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's where I want to be.

• 1:12:19Tom Segura?

  You're at a mohawk?

• 1:12:20Speaker 06

  I, my best friend growing up had a mohawk and I just had the short hair, green hair.

• 1:12:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:26Speaker 06

  But I never did a full mohawk.

• 1:12:27Tom Segura?

  I feel like.

• 1:12:27Speaker 06

  I mean, I gelled it.

• 1:12:28Tom Segura?

  That's something you should do at some point.

• 1:12:30Speaker 06

  At some point?

• 1:12:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe you should do it this year.

• 1:12:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, maybe during the year.

• 1:12:34Speaker 06

  My hair is like the only thing I have is this, is my lustrous hair.

• 1:12:36Tom Segura?

  You have great hair.

• 1:12:37Speaker 06

  That's really fucked up right now.

• 1:12:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Great tattoos, great arms. You're, you're very good shape.

• 1:12:41Speaker 06

  This Chinese dog.

• 1:12:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chinese dog.

• 1:12:48Speaker 06

  Um, yeah, no, I want to spend a year fucking just being.

• 1:12:52Tom Segura?

  Rop, rop.

• 1:12:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's her. That's her barking.

• 1:12:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:56Tom Segura?

  That is her barking.

• 1:12:57Speaker 06

  That's how she barks. She goes.

• 1:13:03Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 1:13:05Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:13:05Tom Segura?

  She loves it.

• 1:13:06Speaker 06

  I'm really excited for my watching year.

• 1:13:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:09Speaker 06

  Year passes fast in comedy.

• 1:13:11Tom Segura?

  It does.

• 1:13:11Speaker 06

  Fast.

• 1:13:12Tom Segura?

  I already have it picked out for you too.

• 1:13:13Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:13:14Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:13:15Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:13:15Tom Segura?

  I'm super excited.

• 1:13:16Speaker 06

  If we stay broken up, no like getting back together but then breaking up.

• 1:13:19Tom Segura?

  You have to be honest about it.

• 1:13:20Speaker 06

  I will, I will.

• 1:13:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  What about sexes if they make sex?

• 1:13:24Tom Segura?

  What do you mean?

• 1:13:24Speaker 06

  If we make sex.

• 1:13:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  If they make sex.

• 1:13:26Tom Segura?

  Oh, if they make sex.

• 1:13:26Speaker 06

  I don't do that.

• 1:13:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Does that consider getting back together?

• 1:13:29Speaker 06

  I don't do sex.

• 1:13:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta define getting back.

• 1:13:30Speaker 06

  I do either we're getting back together, we're not, you're not gonna have sex with me.

• 1:13:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alright.

• 1:13:34Speaker 06

  Alright. Yeah.

• 1:13:35Tom Segura?

  I believe her.

• 1:13:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alright.

• 1:13:36Tom Segura?

  I believe her. And she probably will be thrilled with her new boyfriend.

• 1:13:41Speaker 17

  Hey, how y'all doing, baby girl?

• 1:13:44Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:13:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are these dating?

• 1:13:46Speaker 17

  You got that ass.

• 1:13:47Speaker 06

  Fuck.

• 1:13:47Speaker 17

  Ay ya ya.

• 1:13:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 1:13:50Speaker 17

  Yeah.

• 1:13:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:13:51Speaker 17

  I'm feeling it. Look at you. Y'all miss that ball? Huh?

• 1:13:55Speaker 06

  I feel like I know this guy.

• 1:13:56Speaker 17

  I'm coming at your fat ass.

• 1:13:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:59Speaker 06

  I feel like this guy works at a comedy show.

• 1:14:00Speaker 17

  It doesn't matter if you got a big booty.

• 1:14:02Speaker 06

  Of course he does.

• 1:14:02Speaker 17

  Or a flat booty. I'm coming to get that booty. And look, I wanna lick them drawers. Ay ya ya.

• 1:14:10Speaker 06

  I like drawers, saying drawers instead of pussy. I love that.

• 1:14:14Speaker 17

  All the beautiful women. I don't give a damn where you from. Let me put my tongue in your ass. And then you say, "What's that, noo noo?" Yeah, baby.

• 1:14:23Speaker 06

  Using every other word to describe body parts and then saying, "I wanna stick my finger in your tongue."

• 1:14:27Speaker 17

  Yeah, look, I wanna dig in your booty.

• 1:14:29Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:14:30Tom Segura?

  So that could, he I know personally.

• 1:14:33Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:14:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I could actually link you up.

• 1:14:35Speaker 06

  You know that guy?

• 1:14:35Tom Segura?

  I do. I went to visit him.

• 1:14:39Tom Segura?

  For real.

• 1:14:39Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:14:40Tom Segura?

  And he's, um, he's a really nice guy.

• 1:14:44Speaker 06

  He looks really nice. He wants to stick the tongue in that ass.

• 1:14:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and he'll put ice cream in it.

• 1:14:49Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:14:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, corn chips.

• 1:14:50Speaker 06

  That's nice, at the same time.

• 1:14:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can we show her like some fun TikToks or something else? I don't like these cool guys. Yeah, it feels so dirty.

• 1:14:58Speaker 06

  Look at the princess guy. How do we look that guy up?

• 1:15:01Tom Segura?

  The princess guy?

• 1:15:01Speaker 06

  Um, hello princess. How do we look that guy up? You'll love him.

• 1:15:05Tom Segura?

  Can you find him?

• 1:15:06Speaker 06

  Hello princess.

• 1:15:07Tom Segura?

  Hello princess.

• 1:15:09Speaker 06

  Cringe princess.

• 1:15:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hello princess.

• 1:15:12Speaker 06

  I can't believe you guys, there he is. Oh, you guys are amazing.

• 1:15:17Speaker 18

  Oh princess, you're looking mighty fine tonight.

• 1:15:20Tom Segura?

  Ugh.

• 1:15:21Speaker 18

  What's the occasion? Or do you want to just give daddy random elections? If that's the case.

• 1:15:30Speaker 06

  Clapping the feet, I can tell this guy. I like it. I can tell him off camera, it rules. Why don't you date this guy? They will, I'll find him. I think he's good. Oh my god, he's so good at being bad. It's awful, yeah. That's so good.

• 1:15:43Tom Segura?

  That is a skill.

• 1:15:44Speaker 06

  That is good. The feet, the feet clapping is incredible. He does that character. But I found one that's just him being normal.

• 1:15:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:52Speaker 06

  And it's not that guy.

• 1:15:54Tom Segura?

  Oh right.

• 1:15:54Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:15:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:15:55Speaker 06

  Yeah. It's a feet clapping.

• 1:15:59Tom Segura?

  How about this guy?

• 1:15:59Speaker 06

  That's so brilliant.

• 1:16:00Speaker 00

  Americans, I do a lot of hard work out here.

• 1:16:03Speaker 06

  This is more what I meant.

• 1:16:05Speaker 00

  This has nothing to do with...

• 1:16:07Speaker 06

  That's Tim Dillon.

• 1:16:08Speaker 00

  She's one of the best chicks I ever had in my life hanging out with me. And we were never boyfriend and girlfriend, not a chariot like that.

• 1:16:17Speaker 00

  We were fuck partners.

• 1:16:18Speaker 06

  Yeah, sure.

• 1:16:19Speaker 00

  We took it an hour at a time, is what I told her. Go an hour at a time. So what I'm looking for now...

• 1:16:27Speaker 06

  Oh my god.

• 1:16:28Speaker 00

  Is like a hundred to a hundred and ten pound.

• 1:16:32Speaker 06

  Oh my god.

• 1:16:32Speaker 00

  Long-legged, real beautiful fucking tiny ass. With almost deformed looking big boobs.

• 1:16:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, you and every other man alive.

• 1:16:44Speaker 00

  I'm more of an ass man, I went to the little pass.

• 1:16:49Speaker 06

  Oh my god.

• 1:16:50Tom Segura?

  Dude, he's the man.

• 1:16:52Speaker 06

  It's so scary.

• 1:16:54Speaker 00

  When a white chariot or so, I imagine.

• 1:16:59Speaker 00

  Anyways, that's what I'm looking for.

• 1:17:03Speaker 06

  This is fucked up.

• 1:17:04Tom Segura?

  This guy's rad.

• 1:17:05Speaker 00

  I seem to never can find it.

• 1:17:08Tom Segura?

  He's a pretty aggressive guy.

• 1:17:10Speaker 06

  It's so fucked up.

• 1:17:11Tom Segura?

  You know?

• 1:17:12Speaker 06

  That's crazy that that, how do you feel that guy being a part of your gender? I feel great that I, we don't have that. We have some scary girls. We have some scary girls.

• 1:17:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  But they're not, I feel like there's so many more cool guys than there are cool girls. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, there's more of these dirtbags on the internet. It's rare when we find a woman.

• 1:17:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:17:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a special occasion.

• 1:17:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:17:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, do you, how do you feel that the majority of your representatives are just bad?

• 1:17:37Tom Segura?

  It's a total acceptance, you know, it's just like one of those things where you go like, I get it, you know? Like dogs bark, you know what I mean? Like, you just go like, yeah, we're filled with-

• 1:17:46Speaker 06

  You're so much closer to chimpanzees than us.

• 1:17:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:49Speaker 06

  You really are closer-

• 1:17:50Tom Segura?

  And guys are, you know, we're, we are what ruins life. Like, we're the-

• 1:17:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:17:57Tom Segura?

  Provokers, we're violent.

• 1:17:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  War, who kill stuff and we lose stuff.

• 1:18:01Speaker 06

  I hate when people say female relationships, every comic does this. They'll be like, females are so much more catty in their relationships. And I'm like, there might be inter turmoil, but we solve it quickly and then are closer than ever. Whereas you guys just stab each other to death.

• 1:18:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, maybe, yeah.

• 1:18:16Speaker 06

  We get in the girls' bathroom, we go, what the fuck did you say to me when he said that thing? And we go, you're a fucking bitch, she's a fucking, and then we deal with it on coke later.

• 1:18:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:25Speaker 06

  But you guys, it's just a shank, silent, and it's over.

• 1:18:29Tom Segura?

  And then, yeah.

• 1:18:29Speaker 06

  And that's worse, to me.

• 1:18:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it gets misdirected.

• 1:18:31Tom Segura?

  But guys also, I feel like, like, women who have arguments with other women, see, I don't think a lot of times it's over. They go like, she's a bitch, da-da-da.

• 1:18:41Speaker 06

  Oh, we'll tell everybody about it.

• 1:18:42Tom Segura?

  But also like, I hate her forever. Whereas guys sometimes, like, the battle, ba-ba, sometimes there's a punch thrown, something physical, and then they're like, it's all good. We're good, you know?

• 1:18:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, he's right about that. I think they accept each other as they are more than women do. Cause they'll be friends with people that suck as people, and they're like, yeah, that's just what that guy is, that's who that guy is. But whereas women, I wouldn't be friends with a piece of shit.

• 1:19:07Speaker 06

  You know what I mean? Guys are more willing to be friends with pieces of shit.

• 1:19:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:19:10Speaker 06

  Cause they're like, whatever.

• 1:19:11Tom Segura?

  And then you just know that's a guy for this space. In other words, there's guys that I'm friends with, who I would never have at my house.

• 1:19:18Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:19:19Tom Segura?

  You know, I'm like, you can't fucking bring that guy to the house.

• 1:19:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:19:22Tom Segura?

  Fucking out of his mind.

• 1:19:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, totally.

• 1:19:23Tom Segura?

  But I'm still like, oh, he's a good friend of mine.

• 1:19:25Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that kind of shit.

• 1:19:27Speaker 06

  Right.

• 1:19:27Tom Segura?

  You're like, that guy's totally not someone to bring around.

• 1:19:29Speaker 06

  We have friends like that, though. We have friends who are like, oh, she's a complete sociopath, soul sucker.

• 1:19:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  True.

• 1:19:33Speaker 06

  But we are getting our nails done together.

• 1:19:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:36Speaker 06

  True compartment, yeah, maybe.

• 1:19:38Tom Segura?

  You compartmentalize. We all do.

• 1:19:39Speaker 06

  But they're not in a close circle. They're not in my close.

• 1:19:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:19:42Tom Segura?

  You said you wanted an alpha male, right? Check out how this guy handled the situations.

• 1:19:46Speaker 00

  This man's social skills, Greyhound, is about that of about a retard. I asked him, where is the Greyhound bus is? And he was.

• 1:19:54Speaker 06

  I love him so much. That's my husband.

• 1:19:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think that guy'd be great.

• 1:19:58Speaker 00

  This guy just stepped up on me, Americans, like he was gonna hit me, cause I asked him some questions. Take a look at him.

• 1:20:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 1:20:05Speaker 00

  Here he comes again. Step away from me.

• 1:20:09Speaker 06

  Sounds like Chris Farley talking.

• 1:20:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he does, yeah. It's just meth.

• 1:20:12Speaker 06

  I like that. I like when people get mad in public.

• 1:20:14Tom Segura?

  Me too. It's one of my favorite lanes.

• 1:20:16Speaker 06

  It's the best.

• 1:20:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:17Speaker 06

  I get mad in public a lot, and I like when people will back me up on it.

• 1:20:20Tom Segura?

  It's kind of nice.

• 1:20:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:20:21Tom Segura?

  All right, you want to show what, her what you've curated?

• 1:20:24Speaker 06

  Please.

• 1:20:25Tom Segura?

  So, are you on TikTok?

• 1:20:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't take the cool guys.

• 1:20:28Speaker 06

  Um, I have somebody who posts on TikTok.

• 1:20:30Tom Segura?

  Right. But if you've ever like, kind of spent time looking around, you know, your algorithm gets built by what you like and look for.

• 1:20:38Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:20:38Tom Segura?

  And so a lot of people's, it's kind of nice. It's like, oh, here's some kids putting together a dance routine to this pop hit.

• 1:20:44Speaker 06

  Yes, yes.

• 1:20:45Tom Segura?

  And then Christina has a different mind. So.

• 1:20:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  He doesn't understand, and you understand this because you studied philosophy, I like to identify and highlight the marginalized communities on TikTok.

• 1:20:55Speaker 06

  That makes sense.

• 1:20:56Tom Segura?

  Spin on it.

• 1:20:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are not normally represented in everyday culture and society.

• 1:21:00Speaker 06

  You like to find the underbelly of society.

• 1:21:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  The outliers, if you will.

• 1:21:04Speaker 06

  That makes sense. The people who are gonna change the world.

• 1:21:07Tom Segura?

  All right, here you go. Want to see some outliers?

• 1:21:10Speaker 19

  Today, being retarded means leading a full life. Retarded people go to work or school, just like their neighbors.

• 1:21:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is kind of an old school banger, you know?

• 1:21:18Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:21:19Speaker 19

  A supervised home, right in the neighborhood.

• 1:21:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:21:23Speaker 19

  Being retarded never stopped anyone from being a good neighbor.

• 1:21:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't you miss the days when retarded people were more integrated into society like this?

• 1:21:32Speaker 06

  Yeah, I do, when they had whole houses to themselves.

• 1:21:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's so cool.

• 1:21:35Speaker 06

  We had a retard house on our block.

• 1:21:37Tom Segura?

  You did?

• 1:21:37Speaker 06

  Full of retards walk by every day, they'd be like, "Ah!" And you'd be like, "Yeah!" And they're, yeah, they'd let them out for walks and stuff, it was awesome.

• 1:21:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's awesome, but where are they? Where are the retarded people now? I feel like they're hidden.

• 1:21:48Speaker 06

  I think they're doing open mics, they're doing a lot of comedy.

• 1:21:51Tom Segura?

  You're like, "I saw it too last night."

• 1:21:52Speaker 06

  They're at that mothership, yeah, totally.

• 1:21:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's definitely some retarded people. Some of them are doing very well.

• 1:21:57Speaker 06

  Yeah, they're doing really, really well.

• 1:21:58Tom Segura?

  That guy sold out the weekend, that's crazy.

• 1:22:00Speaker 06

  Totally, totally.

• 1:22:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good.

• 1:22:04Speaker 20

  Hi, you all know who I am. It's Friday afternoon here.

• 1:22:08Tom Segura?

  You all know?

• 1:22:09Speaker 20

  Other places, Friday night or Saturday morning, or Saturday afternoon even, so...

• 1:22:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we understand.

• 1:22:15Speaker 20

  Have a good weekend, everyone. Bye for now.

• 1:22:17Speaker 06

  I have seen that guy, yeah.

• 1:22:18Tom Segura?

  I love that he would just explain how there's time zones. He's like, "Sometimes it's Friday here and it's Saturday there."

• 1:22:24Speaker 06

  And he got off, he hit it, and then it said, "Do you want to like clip it up a little bit? Maybe add a caption?" And he goes, "Yeah, of course." And then he uploaded it, waited while TikTok was open, for it to upload, and went, "I did that."

• 1:22:33Tom Segura?

  This is perfect.

• 1:22:34Speaker 06

  That's good.

• 1:22:35Tom Segura?

  This is what I wanted.

• 1:22:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's crazy. But also, like, I just think it's so annoying to like, who are you to tell me to have a good weekend? Like, you're telling me, well, I don't need it from you to have a good week, have a good weekend. It's like, who the fuck are you?

• 1:22:48Speaker 06

  I hate that.

• 1:22:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't tell me to have a good weekend.

• 1:22:50Speaker 06

  I do hate that.

• 1:22:51Tom Segura?

  But I know you love when somebody goes, "Hey, how come you're not smiling?"

• 1:22:54Speaker 06

  I hate that. That's the best. I love that, and I don't get mad at all, I don't yell things, I don't yell, I don't go, "Well, who the fuck are you? What are you, my fucking dad? Even my dad wouldn't even fucking say that. What are you, the smile fucking pla-" I hate that so much. This guy the other day, he goes, he goes, "What's up, baby?", and I went like this, and he goes, "Don't look so mad." And I was like, "Don't say dumb fucking shit." And my friend was like, "Jordan, stop, that's like a massive man." I get so mad, dude.

• 1:23:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  So do I.

• 1:23:20Speaker 06

  I get so mad.

• 1:23:21Tom Segura?

  Some boomin' forget, though, that big crazy guys will sometimes act out, you know?

• 1:23:26Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:23:27Tom Segura?

  It happens a lot.

• 1:23:28Speaker 06

  I've had many friends be like, "You have no idea if that guy has a gun."

• 1:23:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:23:31Speaker 06

  I've gotten spit on. That was when I learned my lesson.

• 1:23:34Tom Segura?

  Wait, where did you get spit on?

• 1:23:35Speaker 06

  I was, there was somebody in a car that like laid there, the other day, I fucking like three days ago, I uppercut a guy's mirror.

• 1:23:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 1:23:44Speaker 06

  But then, you know, it sucked. It just did the like.

• 1:23:47Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:23:47Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:23:47Speaker 06

  It just went in.

• 1:23:48Tom Segura?

  Why did you uppercut his mirror?

• 1:23:49Speaker 06

  Because we were wa- it was in Manhattan. We're walking through a fucking crosswalk. All these people have, sometimes you make the decision like, hey, there's a lot of people and we're just gonna push.

• 1:23:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:57Speaker 06

  And he just started rolling forward into my body. So I just stood in front of his car and he kept rolling forward. So then I went around and just punched his mirror, thinking I would break it, forgetting that they go in. And then it, I punched it. It went in.

• 1:24:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alright.

• 1:24:11Speaker 06

  So then I punched it a few more times. Still didn't break. Was like, well, I'm gonna walk away. Walked away, went and sat down because I was shaking. Old couple comes up to me and they're like, hey, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, that was embarrassing. I'm really upset that all of fucking Manhattan just saw me do that. And they're like, we're on your side. That was, he was crazy. And I was like, thank you.

• 1:24:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:28Speaker 06

  It was so sweet.

• 1:24:29Tom Segura?

  Wait, wait, where did you get spit on? That's a different time?

• 1:24:32Speaker 06

  The spitting was, I was, this, I mean, it happens all the time, but I was, there was somebody, oh, I was on a bike and somebody was, maybe it was the motorcycle? Biker motorcycle? And some guy was in my way. Or no, he was pulling into the bike lane, like he was weaving into the bike lane. And his window was down. And I was like, what are you, a fucking piece of shit? Like something like that. And he just, and I was like, fuck. And I got to my friend Chloe's house and was like, I have to shower for 11 years right now.

• 1:24:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think that, but see, what you're describing to is New York City crazy, which really is a specific brand and flavor.

• 1:25:05Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:25:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  You, LA.

• 1:25:06Tom Segura?

  Get it everywhere.

• 1:25:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  But LA has it hardcore. LA's got car to car rage.

• 1:25:11Speaker 06

  Car to car rage.

• 1:25:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking, you fucking, fuck. And then you'll, you guys will like, I angled off once, like to get into a lane with a guy.

• 1:25:18Speaker 06

  Yeah. That's good.

• 1:25:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but.

• 1:25:20Speaker 06

  I love that.

• 1:25:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Physical stuff doesn't happen as much, right? In LA, wouldn't you argue? I feel like that's New York because you're outside.

• 1:25:27Tom Segura?

  In LA, you are not in touch physically with as many people.

• 1:25:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  That annoys me so much.

• 1:25:33Tom Segura?

  In New York, you are, you are with humanity.

• 1:25:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Subway.

• 1:25:35Speaker 06

  I just was in LA and they lay on the horn, hits green. I'm driving a stick shift, okay? I, I get that I said motorcycle and stick shift in a lot in one sentence, okay? But I, so I have to put it in gear to go. Every fucking time I put it in gear, there's the person, some behind me with a giant Stanley cup and keychains on her thing. And I'm like, if you were in New York, you'd get shot right now. You'd never be able to lay on a horn that long. Laying on a horn like that is gang violence.

• 1:25:59Tom Segura?

  People are very, very, yeah, open with the horn.

• 1:26:01Speaker 06

  So then I would, every time I would just sit at the light if they lay on the horn and I would just wait until it turned red.

• 1:26:07Tom Segura?

  I was in the valley and I was at the, um, I was at the left-hand turning lane, right? So like you're gonna turn left at a light.

• 1:26:14Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:26:15Tom Segura?

  The, uh, the car in front of me has a overweight man in a convertible.

• 1:26:20Speaker 06

  Nice.

• 1:26:21Tom Segura?

  And then there's a car in front of him that's in the intersection. You follow?

• 1:26:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:26:26Tom Segura?

  The, the convertible big guy lays on the horn.

• 1:26:29Speaker 06

  Yeah. Oh.

• 1:26:31Tom Segura?

  Okay. The car that's in front makes the turn, then the big guy, then me. The car that's in the very front kind of lingers and the big guy in the convertible turns into the bank. And then I watched the guy that was in front go around and I was going to the bank. So I pull into the bank. So I'm now I'm seeing this whole thing unfold.

• 1:26:52Speaker 06

  What happened? Slapping?

• 1:26:54Tom Segura?

  The guy that got honked at steps out of his car. He's like six-four.

• 1:26:58Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:26:59Tom Segura?

  Black dude.

• 1:26:59Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:27:00Tom Segura?

  Sunglasses on. He's got a chick in the passenger seat.

• 1:27:03Speaker 06

  Love this.

• 1:27:03Tom Segura?

  He just walks over to the guy in the, the fat guy in the Miata.

• 1:27:08Speaker 06

  Fat guy in the little coat. Yeah.

• 1:27:09Tom Segura?

  He's like, who the fuck you honking at? You fat fuck?

• 1:27:11Speaker 06

  Yes, yes.

• 1:27:12Tom Segura?

  And the guy just sat there and was like, bah.

• 1:27:14Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:27:14Tom Segura?

  Just like.

• 1:27:15Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:27:15Tom Segura?

  And then I was like, this dude, like, you just feel like you're about to watch a beat down or something.

• 1:27:21Speaker 06

  He just walked.

• 1:27:22Tom Segura?

  And he just, he goes, just stay miserable, you fat fuck.

• 1:27:24Speaker 06

  Yes, dude.

• 1:27:25Tom Segura?

  And then he just got in his car and drove out and I just, that guy was just like, he just sat there for a minute and I was like, I gotta go make a deposit.

• 1:27:32Speaker 06

  That's so sick.

• 1:27:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. But I watched the whole thing unfold.

• 1:27:35Speaker 06

  I love that. That woman sucked the shit out of his cock later.

• 1:27:39Tom Segura?

  You think so?

• 1:27:39Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:27:40Tom Segura?

  Or you think she's like, it's always scary when you do that? When you pull into places and threaten people? It scares me.

• 1:27:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, you're right. She was probably like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 1:27:48Tom Segura?

  It's more about what you, what you think.

• 1:27:50Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:27:51Tom Segura?

  I think a lot of women would be like, this was terrifying.

• 1:27:53Speaker 06

  But not the peaceful protest I really like.

• 1:27:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:27:57Speaker 06

  Stay miserable is so sick.

• 1:27:59Tom Segura?

  I remember he said it.

• 1:28:00Speaker 06

  Oh my God.

• 1:28:00Tom Segura?

  And he said he can enjoy it. Like something like you stay in your miserable fat fuck life, you know?

• 1:28:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like that. I respect that. Yeah.

• 1:28:06Speaker 06

  I like that a lot. That's great.

• 1:28:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like words. I do like, I'd rather have words than something.

• 1:28:10Speaker 06

  A harsh word.

• 1:28:11Speaker 07

  And I yelled out, big words. Eat shit, which I would never say.

• 1:28:16Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:28:17Speaker 07

  In a million years, but that's what happened.

• 1:28:23Speaker 06

  That's a video of me.

• 1:28:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:28:26Speaker 06

  That's me onstage getting dragged because an intrusive thought took over.

• 1:28:29Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 1:28:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, I totally get what that woman's doing.

• 1:28:32Tom Segura?

  Also, let's just say, she said, I would never say something. She said it perfectly.

• 1:28:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:28:36Tom Segura?

  With the slang iteration of it, you know?

• 1:28:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wonder what this is in relation to.

• 1:28:41Speaker 06

  I love that.

• 1:28:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I gotta know this backstory.

• 1:28:44Speaker 06

  I know that feeling so well, where you just blurt something out and you're like, no.

• 1:28:48Tom Segura?

  She was at Freak Fest. She didn't know it was happening that week. And she was like, oh shit, this sucks. They took over the hotel and that's what she got mad at.

• 1:28:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love how, that's what happened?

• 1:28:56Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:28:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, okay, okay. Raying about. Can we see it again?

• 1:28:59Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 1:28:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so surprising.

• 1:29:00Speaker 07

  And I yelled out niggas eat shit, which I would never say.

• 1:29:06Speaker 06

  That's awesome.

• 1:29:07Speaker 07

  In a million years, but that's what happened.

• 1:29:11Speaker 06

  I love the defeated, that's what happened. She can't defend herself. I know all about that.

• 1:29:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I say shit all the time, just because my brain is like, what have you fucking done?

• 1:29:21Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:29:22Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 1:29:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:29:23Tom Segura?

  You're a comedian. That's what happens.

• 1:29:24Speaker 06

  Dude, it's crazy.

• 1:29:26Tom Segura?

  It's impulse control.

• 1:29:27Speaker 06

  It's impulse control.

• 1:29:27Tom Segura?

  And then here's the thing, you don't, you, you, when they go, if somebody goes, why would you say that? They don't realize that it's currency. In other words, sometimes when you say the impulsive, totally wrong thing, it's so funny.

• 1:29:39Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:29:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the best.

• 1:29:39Tom Segura?

  So that you go, oh, sometimes I should just let this thing fly.

• 1:29:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:29:42Tom Segura?

  Right? And then you go, oh, I guess not all the time.

• 1:29:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:29:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then you feel ashamed when it's N words ain't shit.

• 1:29:48Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:29:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  And when you say the wrong thing and then you're like, I didn't mean to.

• 1:29:51Tom Segura?

  Documentary about it. You're like, there was one time where I fucking.

• 1:29:54Speaker 06

  It's amazing.

• 1:29:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  And also, whenever this was filmed, why was she saying that in relation to what?

• 1:29:59Speaker 06

  That's what I gotta know.

• 1:30:00Tom Segura?

  Not knowing the story is.

• 1:30:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you guys look up the backstory?

• 1:30:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Was it a Carnival cruise? Why did she do this?

• 1:30:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  And she looks.

• 1:30:07Speaker 06

  How did she know to put those words together?

• 1:30:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's my question.

• 1:30:10Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:30:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's not an old person expression.

• 1:30:13Speaker 06

  Not at all.

• 1:30:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you sure it's ain't shit or eat shit?

• 1:30:17Tom Segura?

  No, ain't shit.

• 1:30:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  You think she knew the phrasing? That's what I'm saying. This looks old. This is old.

• 1:30:22Speaker 06

  It's old. It's like, I don't even think she was listening to the rap music that taught it to her.

• 1:30:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I don't, I don't, maybe we're hearing it wrong.

• 1:30:29Speaker 06

  It's possible that it's dubbed over.

• 1:30:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is it AI? Is it dubbed over?

• 1:30:32Speaker 06

  Yeah, it could be dubbed over.

• 1:30:33Tom Segura?

  I heard it just fine.

• 1:30:36Speaker 06

  Maybe just one more time?

• 1:30:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  What did you hear, Annie?

• 1:30:39Speaker 04

  Oh, she said it. She said niggas ain't shit. And it's definitely from rap.

• 1:30:43Tom Segura?

  What is, can I just get?

• 1:30:44Speaker 06

  You think it's from rap?

• 1:30:45Tom Segura?

  Do you, can I ask you this? What do you think the story is for her? Like, what is your imagination of what the context of this story might be?

• 1:30:54Speaker 04

  Uh, she was angry at black people.

• 1:30:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  No way.

• 1:30:57Speaker 04

  For being loud.

• 1:30:58Tom Segura?

  Loud somewhere.

• 1:30:59Speaker 06

  Why would you say ain't shit?

• 1:31:00Tom Segura?

  But ain't shit is like...

• 1:31:02Speaker 04

  She was trying to think, I think that she wanted to say something that was reasonable, that wasn't super racist.

• 1:31:08Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:31:09Speaker 04

  She's like, what do they say?

• 1:31:10Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:31:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  But how would she know that phrase?

• 1:31:14Speaker 04

  It was on the radio.

• 1:31:15Tom Segura?

  You think she was like, do you think the story is maybe she was like, I was at Applebee's, I was trying to get my meal, and then this group of them were being very distracting and I was like, and then they called me a bitch and then I was like, y'all ain't shit.

• 1:31:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:31:28Tom Segura?

  Like, something like that.

• 1:31:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because black people don't like Applebee's.

• 1:31:30Tom Segura?

  You know what I'm saying. It's Outback Steakhouse or Chili's.

• 1:31:32Speaker 06

  Oh, you know what it probably was? There was, there was many, there was black people yelling at her for something. She's yelling at them.

• 1:31:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:31:39Speaker 06

  They're talking in black scent, right? They're saying stuff. They're like, bitch, you ain't shit. And she goes, blah, blah, blah and shit.

• 1:31:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:31:44Speaker 06

  To be like...

• 1:31:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not the thing.

• 1:31:46Speaker 06

  She code switched.

• 1:31:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:48Speaker 06

  As many are want to do.

• 1:31:50Tom Segura?

  Like, a near elderly person to do that is what's the most standout.

• 1:31:54Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:31:55Tom Segura?

  You know what I mean?

• 1:31:55Speaker 06

  But I've seen that when hosts go up and they take a black comic offstage. You've seen that.

• 1:31:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:59Speaker 06

  An old comic being like, anyway, y'all, that, that, you know, that comic is sick. Give you, going for the next guy. And you're like, uh-oh.

• 1:32:05Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, he switched up.

• 1:32:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:32:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:32:08Speaker 04

  I will say she definitely fucks black dudes, though.

• 1:32:11Tom Segura?

  You think so?

• 1:32:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do you know that?

• 1:32:12Speaker 04

  That's not her first time saying that.

• 1:32:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:13Speaker 04

  Because that's not her first time saying that. She said it very comfortably.

• 1:32:15Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:32:16Speaker 04

  Again, by the way.

• 1:32:17Tom Segura?

  She said it in a way that she's had some boyfriends, that she said, you ain't shit to before.

• 1:32:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because here's the deal, man. I would in a million years never know to say that phrase. And I've heard, I've heard the things. Do you know what I'm saying?

• 1:32:30Tom Segura?

  I'll tell you what I would do.

• 1:32:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would never think...

• 1:32:32Tom Segura?

  I would never do a documentary interview about the time I said it.

• 1:32:34Speaker 06

  And then say it again.

• 1:32:36Tom Segura?

  Be like, you know? I'd be like, I don't know, do you have tape of that? Because I don't remember saying that.

• 1:32:40Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:32:41Tom Segura?

  She's volunteering it.

• 1:32:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'd be stupid enough to repeat it.

• 1:32:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you would. You'd be like, yeah. You find anything, Zolo?

• 1:32:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can't find anything on it, but I'll keep digging.

• 1:32:50Tom Segura?

  It's gotta be a dub over or like- No, I don't think so, dude. One more time.

• 1:32:54Speaker 04

  Let's look at her lips while she's saying it.

• 1:32:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:32:57Speaker 07

  And I yelled out niggas eat shit.

• 1:33:00Speaker 04

  No, that's there it is.

• 1:33:01Tom Segura?

  She's saying it, dude.

• 1:33:02Speaker 07

  I would never say-

• 1:33:03Tom Segura?

  Ever.

• 1:33:04Speaker 07

  In a million years, but that's what happened.

• 1:33:08Speaker 06

  I love, but that's what happened.

• 1:33:09Tom Segura?

  Also, it's what happened. It's what happened is a small way of saying, it's not what I said, it's what happened. In other words, it's almost like, I'm not taking full accountability, some shit happened.

• 1:33:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, some shit went down.

• 1:33:26Tom Segura?

  Well, what is the world in which you're not responsible for it? Like, you're so drunk, you're so on LSD. But you're trying to not be fully accountable, so what you do is you're like, and that's what happened. That's what happened.

• 1:33:37Speaker 04

  I heard that and I felt like what she was saying is like, I mean, that's what it is, though.

• 1:33:41Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:33:41Speaker 04

  You know, like, that's-

• 1:33:42Tom Segura?

  But you know they ain't shit. They know they ain't shit, and that's why I said it.

• 1:33:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:33:47Tom Segura?

  That's what, that's what you heard?

• 1:33:48Speaker 06

  Right, right, right.

• 1:33:49Speaker 04

  I'm sorry, but I said it.

• 1:33:50Speaker 06

  Like, I spoke-

• 1:33:51Speaker 04

  They don't shit.

• 1:33:52Speaker 06

  I spoke truth to power. And that's not on me.

• 1:33:57Tom Segura?

  That's a crazy-

• 1:33:57Speaker 06

  I said the thing that everybody's thinking.

• 1:33:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Cause she should have been like, cause you know, to the interviewer, you're like, you know it ain't shit, right?

• 1:34:06Tom Segura?

  That's the end of the clip? That's the full clip?

• 1:34:08Speaker 06

  And that's what happened.

• 1:34:10Tom Segura?

  And that's what happened.

• 1:34:11Speaker 06

  I like that.

• 1:34:13Tom Segura?

  Wait, you find something? Did you find it, Josh?

• 1:34:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think I did, I think-

• 1:34:16Speaker 06

  That's what happened.

• 1:34:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Looks like it's from this video on the Boston crisis.

• 1:34:23Tom Segura?

  So she did say it. Oh, and she does have a Massachusetts accent. This is making a lot more sense. Okay, so this was probably, oh, there she is.

• 1:34:31Speaker 06

  Oh my god, well done.

• 1:34:33Tom Segura?

  This is the busing crisis in Boston, integrating?

• 1:34:38Speaker 07

  Who didn't send their kids to public schools-

• 1:34:40Tom Segura?

  There it is.

• 1:34:42Speaker 07

  And a few other jerks that would appear on television telling us, with telling us what to do with our kids.

• 1:34:53Speaker 21

  All over the country where forced busing went into effect, there was resistance from both whites and blacks.

• 1:34:58Speaker 08

  We are in a war and we're going to win this one.

• 1:35:03Speaker 21

  But nowhere did the conflict remain as bitter as at South Boston High.

• 1:35:06Speaker 19

  South Boston.

• 1:35:09Speaker 21

  In December, a white student, seventeen-year-old Michael Faith, was stabbed and all hell broke loose.

• 1:35:15Speaker 18

  And that's what happened.

• 1:35:19Speaker 07

  All be ended up. He looked just like a mummy and he had blood all over him and I yelled out niggas ain't shit, which I would never say in a million years, but that's what happened. It totally is what happened.

• 1:35:39Speaker 06

  Maybe it's an old, it's older than we think it is.

• 1:35:43Tom Segura?

  Well, this is, I mean, it's about the seventies and it was probably filmed, this looks like it's at least twenty-five years old.

• 1:35:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  That we would die.

• 1:35:50Speaker 06

  But she did mean to say it. You're right, Annie.

• 1:35:53Tom Segura?

  God damn.

• 1:35:54Speaker 06

  She a hundred percent meant to say it. He was doing those riots. Yeah, she meant it as bad as we think. She just is a little bit of a G and she said it like that, like she's a little bit, she's a little bit in the rap culture. But this is from nineteen seventy.

• 1:36:06Tom Segura?

  She said it the way that like NWA says it, you know?

• 1:36:10Speaker 06

  Which is crazy.

• 1:36:11Tom Segura?

  With like a hard Z.

• 1:36:12Speaker 06

  She did not say it like an angry racist white lady. She said it like, a bro. But this was in nineteen seventy, she said the phrase. So she was ahead of her time.

• 1:36:20Tom Segura?

  She was way ahead of stuff.

• 1:36:22Speaker 06

  Yeah. She went on to work with Kanye.

• 1:36:24Tom Segura?

  And the context, she said somebody was stabbed and they were rapping like a mummy and then she was like, you know who ain't shit?

• 1:36:29Speaker 06

  Yeah. That's crazy.

• 1:36:31Tom Segura?

  That is what she did.

• 1:36:32Speaker 06

  Wait, did this lady come up with that phrase? That's what I'm thinking. Wow.

• 1:36:37Tom Segura?

  That would be crazy.

• 1:36:39Speaker 06

  It's really.

• 1:36:40Tom Segura?

  All right, I have to wrap up in a second, so let's watch a couple more.

• 1:36:44Speaker 06

  Man, this was so good. So fun. Oh, yeah.

• 1:36:48Tom Segura?

  This was awesome. Protesting property tax.

• 1:36:51Speaker 16

  I started your time.

• 1:36:53Tom Segura?

  He gave the finger.

• 1:36:55Speaker 06

  Breakdancing at a town meeting. This is, he's filibustering, I'm assuming?

• 1:36:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And...

• 1:37:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  The guy behind him with the hand on the forehead like this silly guy.

• 1:37:07Speaker 06

  I would be shitting.

• 1:37:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would love this so much.

• 1:37:11Speaker 06

  I would never be able to keep it.

• 1:37:12Tom Segura?

  They would kick you out of the room.

• 1:37:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would love this so much.

• 1:37:16Speaker 06

  I love this so much.

• 1:37:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Me too.

• 1:37:18Speaker 06

  This makes me feel okay living another day. Oh my God, the breath out that he was like, thank you so, that was really good. I can tell he did a really good job.

• 1:37:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look how upset the white guys are. The elite whites are so mad.

• 1:37:28Tom Segura?

  Uh oh.

• 1:37:29Speaker 22

  Did you know I can do the backspin? Anybody?

• 1:37:33Speaker 06

  Anybody?

• 1:37:33Speaker 22

  Want Jamie to do the backspin?

• 1:37:36Speaker 06

  Oh my God. Say yes.

• 1:37:38Tom Segura?

  Somebody now.

• 1:37:39Speaker 06

  When somebody asks.

• 1:37:42Speaker 06

  You say yes.

• 1:37:42Speaker 22

  I'm gonna do the backspin.

• 1:37:43Speaker 06

  I'm gonna do the backspin. Anybody?

• 1:37:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Encourage the man.

• 1:37:50Speaker 06

  Oh shit, he can do it. That was good.

• 1:37:54Speaker 06

  The moan.

• 1:37:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  One guy laughing.

• 1:37:58Speaker 06

  This guy is so sick. He has a wedding ring. He's a married man.

• 1:38:04Speaker 22

  We were told the referendum was gonna bring it up for an average household about $400, I think. And mine went up like 900 bucks.

• 1:38:12Speaker 06

  Damn.

• 1:38:13Speaker 22

  And I think we heard, we were told like that was from the schools or something. But the school referendum said it would only go up, you know, like I said.

• 1:38:22Tom Segura?

  Well, I think he got his point across. That was really cool.

• 1:38:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was rad.

• 1:38:25Speaker 06

  Really, really cool guy. He was so fun on a boat.

• 1:38:27Tom Segura?

  You know what's crazy is that if he just brings that up without the breakdancing, it stays like just in this room. And because he broke, he did the breakdancing, it became a national, like everybody has seen this guy do this.

• 1:38:39Speaker 06

  And now everybody knows the cause.

• 1:38:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:38:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now it's $900 versus $400.

• 1:38:42Speaker 06

  Right, the injustice. That's good.

• 1:38:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:38:45Tom Segura?

  I got a good Irish Catholic guy for you. I can't believe it's in your folder. This guy.

• 1:38:50Speaker 06

  Oh yeah.

• 1:38:51Tom Segura?

  Dude, look at this guy.

• 1:38:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's on the East Coast too.

• 1:38:54Speaker 06

  Oh my God.

• 1:39:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jordan, don't even.

• 1:39:03Speaker 06

  You know, it's really... We've really strayed far from God. Oh, wow.

• 1:39:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's the thing, though, Jordan, is that

• 1:39:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  you're never gonna find him.

• 1:39:13Speaker 06

  Is it cheese?

• 1:39:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's elusive.

• 1:39:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  We've been trying to get a hold of him for 15 years. He won't talk to us.

• 1:39:23Speaker 06

  Listen, just, I just want you to reach out to him.

• 1:39:26Tom Segura?

  Do you wanna, do you wanna hear this guy fart?

• 1:39:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please say yes.

• 1:39:29Tom Segura?

  Yes, I have a bunch of his farts.

• 1:39:31Speaker 06

  No, you don't.

• 1:39:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's King Ashriper, that's him.

• 1:39:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's the king. No, he is, King Ashriper, he won't, he won't talk to us.

• 1:39:38Tom Segura?

  This is him, okay?

• 1:39:45Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 1:39:46Tom Segura?

  Isn't that crazy?

• 1:39:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's one take.

• 1:39:50Speaker 06

  Oh, wow.

• 1:39:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and then he even does, um...

• 1:39:56Tom Segura?

  I'm farting on you haters, like he, and he'll fart on his food sometimes and eat it.

• 1:39:59Speaker 06

  I went on a rant about the shart inspired by you.

• 1:40:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:03Speaker 06

  Me just yelling at you, being like, "You shit your pants."

• 1:40:05Tom Segura?

  Dude, that's in my act.

• 1:40:06Speaker 06

  Yeah, that you shit your pants?

• 1:40:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's crazy.

• 1:40:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:10Speaker 06

  It's crazy that you were like, I was like, "Did the air ride poop particles?"

• 1:40:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:16Speaker 06

  I was talking about this because somebody, I was talking about how all men shit their pants.

• 1:40:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:20Speaker 06

  And then I was like, "Also, this word shart?" Like, I thought that you guys were, poop particles were riding wind, and you're like, "No, I just thought I was farting and a little shit, and shit came out instead of fart." And I'm like, "That's just shit."

• 1:40:31Tom Segura?

  That's just shit.

• 1:40:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:40:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a very interesting distinction.

• 1:40:33Tom Segura?

  You made me realize that.

• 1:40:34Speaker 06

  It's crazy.

• 1:40:35Tom Segura?

  I give you credit.

• 1:40:36Speaker 06

  Okay, good, thank you, thank you. Because you really came out, and I was like, "Was it a stream?" And you're like, "Yeah, a shart." And I'm like...

• 1:40:42Tom Segura?

  No, my diaper was full.

• 1:40:44Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's crazy, it's crazy.

• 1:40:47Tom Segura?

  Um, listen, she is one of, literally, my favorite, she's one of the funniest people working today. You can go see her live, jordanjensencomedy.com, but for sure, check out the new Netflix special, Take Me With You, um, it's on Netflix, already getting rave reviews, podcast, Bein' Ian, with Jordan, and Rip Jordan Jensen, it was, dude, thank you for coming in.

• 1:41:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was so nice to finally meet you.

• 1:41:11Speaker 06

  Thank you, I know, I really feel like...

• 1:41:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm so happy you came, come back again, yeah?

• 1:41:14Speaker 06

  We're closer than me and Tommy at this point.

• 1:41:15Tom Segura?

  I know, couple of lesseys just hitting it off.

• 1:41:17Speaker 06

  Nice.

• 1:41:18Tom Segura?

  Um, thank you so much.

• 1:41:20Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 1:41:20Tom Segura?

  We'll see you guys next week.

• 1:41:26Speaker 05

  Got him pink. I won't say what goes with pink. These are for Micky Esposito, since everybody's panties get in a wad when I come up here. So send them to her, okay? Now these here, they can't even fit on my ankle. Did you see me in a book? Women are stupid! I have two boobs, not six. I have six butts. I have two boobs, not six. I have six butts. More love.

• 1:41:56Speaker 05

  More love. He protects you guys from people like me. More love. More love. And guess what? My dad called a dental floss. And guess what I did with it? I put it away. Something like this, and I made a lot of money. You have no idea who knows me. You have no idea who knows me. Women are stupid! I have two boobs, not six. I have six butts. I have two boobs, not six. I have six butts. More love. More love.

• 1:42:37Speaker 05

  He protects you guys from people like me. More love. More love. And guess what? My dad called a dental floss. And guess what I did with it? I put it away. Something like this, and I made a lot of money. Women are stupid!

• 1:43:03Speaker 01

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