Carrot Top Whips Out His Big Black Trunk | Your Mom's House Ep. 827

SPONSORS: - Shop SKIMS Mens at ⁠https://SKIMS.com⁠ - New Customers Bet $5 Get $200 Instantly in Bonus Bets. Sign up using https://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM. - Tear. Pour. Live More. Go to ⁠http://LIQUID-IV. COM⁠ and get 20% off your first order with code YMH at checkout. - Get 50% Off Monarch Money, the all-in-one financial tool at https://www.monarchmoney.com/ymh - Head to https://www.squarespace.com/MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code MOM. Tom Segura and Christina P are back in the jeans with a very special guest — the King of Props himself, Carrot Top! From his legendary Vegas run at the Luxor to his wildest corporate gig disasters, Carrot Top brings decades of insane stories, prop magic, and pure chaos. Before Carrot Top enters the Mommy Dome, Tim and Christine The mommies dive deep into everything from Christina’s new artwork of Tom’s body (and perfectly to-scale junk) to DIY butt-stuff therapies, plus ass-worship furniture, queening chairs on Amazon, and the return of the fart mic. Carrot Top talks insane backstage Tonight Show moments and why George Carlin was one of his biggest fans. He also talks growing up in Florida, life in Vegas, Phyllis Diller stealing his joke, and reacts to classic YMH prop man, Uncle Terry. Carrot Top also opens his trunk and shows the Main Mommies some of his latest wacky props. It’s a filthy, hilarious ride with one of the most iconic comics alive. Don’t miss it, Jean. Your Mom’s House Ep. 827 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, (800) 327-5050 or visit http://gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org (CT) or visit http://www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. $5+ first-time bet req. Max. $200 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: http://sportsbook.draftkings.com/promos . Ends 9/29/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:03:26 - Opening Clip: Butt Stuff Solutions 00:05:38 - Christina's New Art 00:16:45 - Karl Lagerfeld 00:19:45 - Queening & Ass Worship 00:29:57 - Clip: Join Me In The Shower 00:31:50 - Mean Comments From Dudes 00:35:13 - Clip: Tard Fraud 00:39:58 - Carrot Top 00:45:20 - The Prop Process 00:54:33 - Clean Comedy & Nightmare Gigs 01:03:26 - Clip: Ozzy's Austrian Painter Inspo 01:04:14 - Clip: Dan Pena 01:04:27 - Clip: Tard Fraud 01:06:05 - Messing With Gene Simmons & Stolen Prop Valor 01:25:52 - Uncle Terry, Gingers, & More Props 01:35:53 - TikToks 01:44:48 - Carlin Liked Me 01:53:03 - Closing Song -"Now I'm In Your Ass Yeah" by Street Justice Remix Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:11Tom Segura?

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• 0:53Tom Segura?

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• 1:17Tom Segura?

  You know how many times someone has said that to me?

• 1:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Same, or brought me up on stage and they say it wrong.

• 1:22Tom Segura?

  And he has a, "Your Mom's Place," "Your Mama's," and then, and he has a, "Hosts the show Your Mama."

• 1:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. And fans don't like that.

• 1:32Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  They get really upset, and I tell emcees, I've told them, "If you mess it up, they will come for you. Don't mess it up, dummy."

• 1:40Tom Segura?

  Learn how to talk stupid.

• 1:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you dummy.

• 1:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Big stupid.

• 1:44Tom Segura?

  We're back. We're back.

• 1:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  We're back.

• 1:47Tom Segura?

  We're back, I've missed it.

• 1:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, I missed it here so much.

• 1:51Tom Segura?

  So fun doing this show, and we were out for different reasons, and...

• 1:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  What were you out for again?

• 1:58Tom Segura?

  I did a movie.

• 1:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, right.

• 1:59Tom Segura?

  And then I had my Invisalign kind of adjusted again.

• 2:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was so painful for you.

• 2:05Tom Segura?

  It sucked. What'd you do?

• 2:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I had my deep flap. I've got new, new tittas again.

• 2:11Tom Segura?

  Okay, let's not make this all about, you know?

• 2:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cancer tits.

• 2:16Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ.

• 2:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're so good, though. They are good, though.

• 2:19Tom Segura?

  Unbelievable. I don't, I mean, I don't understand.

• 2:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 2:22Tom Segura?

  Like, they're magicians.

• 2:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. God bless these doctors, man. It was a 12-hour surgery. I was in the ICU for three days, and now I have killer tits and I have a flat stomach. It's so cool.

• 2:37Tom Segura?

  It's amazing. It's amazing.

• 2:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't even think you've really, like, seen them.

• 2:41Tom Segura?

  I've seen them.

• 2:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you haven't, like...

• 2:44Tom Segura?

  All right. I'll take a little...

• 2:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm still kinda scabby.

• 2:46Tom Segura?

  Peek-a-boo later.

• 2:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  And stuff.

• 2:48Tom Segura?

  It's great. It's amazing.

• 2:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you've changed. Your body has changed so much.

• 2:54Tom Segura?

  You know, the thing is, here's the thing that's so crazy. I've tried so many times over the years, different tactics, you know, diets and like, all right, you're doing carnivore, you're gonna do the just juice, like, all these things to lose weight. And then I went and did a movie where I was just, like, on set 12 hours a day, and you're like, yeah, I don't really wanna eat, cuz I'm in the scene. I don't wanna burp. I don't wanna feel bloated. Like, kinda like when you do stand-up, you're like, I'll eat after.

• 3:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:25Tom Segura?

  So I did that for a month and a half, and then I was like, oh, I lost another 15 pounds doing that.

• 3:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, and you were, I think, really happy.

• 3:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was fun. It was very fun.

• 3:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  And busy, yeah. Happy and busy.

• 3:37Tom Segura?

  And the last thing I was thinking about for what is just food. And so, you know, two weeks in, they're like, hey, we have to punch a hole in your belt. And then another two weeks went by, they're like, we have to punch another hole in your belt, and could you stop, please, so that your clothes fits for the rest of the movie? And I was like, oh, yeah. It was crazy that I didn't try. And then I got back, and I haven't gained a pound yet.

• 3:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's the way to do it. You gotta keep on going.

• 4:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look, I, I don't want you to think that I've been idle or just lazy in this last month that I've been home.

• 4:07Tom Segura?

  That wasn't one of my thoughts. Okay?

• 4:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't want you guys to think, like, oh, Christina has breast cancer and reconstructive surgery, and she's just laying home on her laurels. Like, I want you to know that I've been working hard.

• 4:19Tom Segura?

  I know. I know you've been working hard. Yeah, you've been up to a lot of stuff. Let's get into it after we open the show.

• 4:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I was gonna say, I'm just excited to share.

• 4:26Tom Segura?

  Let's share. Let's catch up.

• 4:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I really want to share.

• 4:28Tom Segura?

  I'd like to know. Alright, here we go. Here's your opening clip, everybody.

• 4:32Speaker 02

  When people are really in their mind, they need to get something. Like, when you get stuck and going in circles in your mind, the best way to get out of that is to shove something up your ass.

• 4:42Speaker 03

  There's actually a truth to that statement, because from here to there is the same... It's connected. Connected tissue. If you didn't eat food, you didn't shove your ass, that wouldn't be a holy spot.

• 4:57Tom Segura?

  Gotta get out of your own way. It goes up your ass.

• 5:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep. Yep. Yeah.

• 5:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 5:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow.

• 5:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Miss this tune.

• 5:26Tom Segura?

  Hell, yeah.

• 5:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so soulful. Oh shit, it's hanging on.

• 5:49Tom Segura?

  It's like a song to me, man. So good to be here, back in... How was it for you hosting solo?

• 5:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god. So, the pressure was on, because I've never operated the board, I've never pushed the buttons.

• 6:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  The staff here was incredible. They changed the cool guys to be my Gothic heroes.

• 6:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was fun, but I have to say, a little lonely. I need my jeans. It's two mommies, one jeans.

• 6:15Tom Segura?

  I know, I was here with your, uh, substitute last week. Nobody knew. Everyone thought it was you.

• 6:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 6:22Tom Segura?

  I was like, oh, she just doesn't talk much, you know?

• 6:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which is preferable. Hey, did you notice something is back in town?

• 6:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, and guess what? It's staying on my side of the goddamn desk. The people have spoken, Tom. The fart mic has returned. Okay, now, also, like I said, I don't want you guys to think I've been lazy since I was gone. I've done some art. Also, just a reminder, Fuck Around and Find Out is still for sale.

• 6:50Tom Segura?

  What's it at now?

• 6:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fifty grand.

• 6:52Tom Segura?

  Fifty thousand dollars.

• 6:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep. And the original is, you know, still there. Oh, you gotta be ki... the pressure is on and I... oh, here we go. I made some other artwork while I was recovering. Uh, this one's like Cosmic Cat. I really like that one.

• 7:09Tom Segura?

  Can you show it?

• 7:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, one second. This pastel, it's very, very tricky. This one's, yeah, this one's like cool Cosmic Cat. Just kind of a happy guy.

• 7:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's cool.

• 7:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is when I was on Dilaudid.

• 7:21Tom Segura?

  The best.

• 7:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 7:22Tom Segura?

  The best. I gotta tell you, if you're out there and you've never fucked around with opiates, the best.

• 7:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's time to start. I really, and then...

• 7:31Tom Segura?

  Especially if your, your life's a little out of order, dive in.

• 7:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dive in. This is Oxycodone. This is, uh, this is, uh...

• 7:39Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's cool. There's a difference between Dilaudid and Oxy's.

• 7:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. This is what I call the Mew A.P.

• 7:44Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mew A.P., yeah.

• 7:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Disclosure is coming.

• 7:49Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 7:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oxy's.

• 7:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then, this is what I'm most excited for, Tom.

• 7:55Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 7:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is you are always my muse. And because of your recent body changes and stuff, I, I just wanted to commemorate this time in your life with a movie, very exciting, and your physique. Hella exciting. And this, I thought, what a beautiful way, a tribute to your beautiful body. If you can see here, your thighs are very muscular, your six-pack abs are just showing right through. Look at that chest. Your beard is very full. I gave you some hair because I feel like, you know, artistic license.

• 8:33Tom Segura?

  Sure. There's, uh...

• 8:36Tom Segura?

  Interesting choices.

• 8:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 8:38Tom Segura?

  That you made.

• 8:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you.

• 8:39Tom Segura?

  You think that's to scale?

• 8:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Yeah, I try. I gave you... Yeah. I mean, your belly button's a little high. I could have done better there.

• 8:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 8:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I gave you some big, beautiful balls. Look at those things.

• 8:52Tom Segura?

  You know what's interesting is it's only balls.

• 8:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you mean?

• 8:56Tom Segura?

  Well, there's this thing that usually sits on top of the balls.

• 8:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your pubes.

• 9:00Tom Segura?

  No, below the pubes.

• 9:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, the pubes. I gave you, voluptuous set of pubes.

• 9:04Tom Segura?

  What would you say is the thing that hangs above the balls below the pubes? Do you see it?

• 9:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. No, I gave you a very realistic penis.

• 9:13Tom Segura?

  Realistic.

• 9:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Same with the rest of the body. This is all to scale. This is exactly what you look like nude. Okay, I can tell you're not very excited, but hold on, it gets better. So then I thought to myself, I says to myself, self,

• 9:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  this is a guy of action. He's dynamic.

• 9:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  And here we are.

• 9:33Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 9:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's Tom and the bear.

• 9:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Also, I was thinking in terms of poor Oso's branding. What a fantastic new shirt, a new hat.

• 9:42Tom Segura?

  This?

• 9:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure. You're wrestling a powerful bear. Look at you.

• 9:47Tom Segura?

  Hold on.

• 9:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure, go ahead. Really enjoy it. This one I like to see your body.

• 9:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's very flattering, except for...

• 9:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look at your shoulder. I really spent a lot of time on the shoulder there.

• 9:58Tom Segura?

  Do you see something that's not that flattering?

• 10:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, this, the calf, I kinda...

• 10:05Tom Segura?

  No, the calf looks nice.

• 10:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was not my best work.

• 10:08Tom Segura?

  That penis is, um...

• 10:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Perfectly to scale.

• 10:13Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 10:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Some might say perfectly to scale.

• 10:16Tom Segura?

  It looks like a, like a pinky toe.

• 10:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh. Well, you know,

• 10:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I gave you some really nice balls, and I think that's what's important. So I think this should become the new IMH. Official artwork. I'd like to have this up on the set if we could do that, Josh. I don't know. You know what, guys? I'm like, as an artist, I don't want everything to be just for profit.

• 10:38Tom Segura?

  Thank you. Yeah, that's very flattering. Thank you for drawing that.

• 10:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're welcome. I'm excited.

• 10:43Tom Segura?

  Really special.

• 10:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got it.

• 10:45Tom Segura?

  Thanks. That's what you see.

• 10:47Tom Segura?

  Can I say that's actually like, it's actually kind of fucking good. Like, you're good at drawing.

• 10:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you. Thanks, Annie.

• 10:53Tom Segura?

  Do you think the penis is flattering?

• 10:54Tom Segura?

  Well, I think I would have maybe chose a, you know, different.

• 10:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is?

• 10:59Tom Segura?

  Size, perhaps.

• 11:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are you talking about? I, look, as an artist, I draw what I see. Yes, I embellish in certain parts, but I think that this is accurate.

• 11:11Tom Segura?

  Very cool. Thank you for that.

• 11:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're welcome. I'm so glad you like it. I'm so glad you like it forever. And I just want to draw you in different poses, holding cats.

• 11:19Tom Segura?

  Just like that would be nice, yeah. Thank you for that. You're very talented.

• 11:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you.

• 11:24Tom Segura?

  Um, Fuck Around and Find Out has, uh, signed prints that are, uh, gonna be on sale.

• 11:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm selling those now.

• 11:30Tom Segura?

  You can grab those and maybe she will, um, grant this to the store one day. It's really cool.

• 11:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tom and the Bear? We'll see. I don't know. If the demand is there, I'll, we'll do it. But I don't, I don't wanna, I just don't want to be that kind of an artist. Like, I do it for the thrill.

• 11:46Tom Segura?

  Let's talk about, um, how do you feel about getting out of your own way by putting things in your ass?

• 11:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um.

• 11:54Tom Segura?

  Just like most people, I've been wearing underwear all my life. I haven't really strayed from the same brands and fit I usually go for until I tried Skims. I didn't realize how quickly my other brands become misshapen and raggedy. The Skims stretch boxer brief has completely changed my view on men's underwear. Their stretch material might be the softest material I've ever put on my body. They're everything I love about my classic boxer briefs, but with an unreal quality. They don't ride up on you or lose their shape. Christina has been using Skims women's shapewear for a while now and is always raving about how great the quality is. And now I understand the hype. So glad they're offering products for men now. Shop Skims Men's at skims.com.

• 12:39Tom Segura?

  Let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show, Your Mom's House, in the dropdown menu that follows. Go to skims.com, S-K-I-M-S.com, and don't forget to select Your Mom's House in the podcast survey that sent you. I've teamed up with DraftKings Sportsbook. Thanks to them for sponsoring this podcast. Football season is here and every game feels bigger than the last. Whether it's that next great touchdown or a wild finish, DraftKings Sportsbook lets you stay right in the action. Here's the offer. New customers bet just $5, you'll get $200 instantly

• 13:19Tom Segura?

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• 13:59Tom Segura?

  Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In New York, call 877-8HOPENY or text HOPENY467369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire seven days after issuance. For additional terms on responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co/audio. Summer is quickly coming to an end, so that means it's time to switch gears and lock in. That's why I'm reaching for Liquid IV's new energy multiplier. Sugar-free, hydrating energy, zero sugar, zero crash, and packed to support physical energy, hydration, focus,

• 14:44Tom Segura?

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• 14:49Tom Segura?

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• 15:31Tom Segura?

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• 15:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not inaccurate. Oh, thanks, my love. Not so close to the...

• 15:51Tom Segura?

  Jesus Tyler.

• 15:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jesus fucking Christ.

• 15:54Tom Segura?

  Draw him next.

• 15:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're telling me all that air?

• 15:57Tom Segura?

  You can just use one of the photos I have.

• 16:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't think they're wrong.

• 16:01Tom Segura?

  He sends me nudes. Go ahead.

• 16:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  He does?

• 16:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, usually on Mondays, yeah.

• 16:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 16:08Tom Segura?

  He's like, "New week, new look." And then it's usually him just nude in a pose. I love it. Don't ever stop sending me those, Tyler.

• 16:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wanna see his nudes.

• 16:17Tom Segura?

  No, it's personal, but maybe if he grants me one to pass on.

• 16:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, do guys send you nudies?

• 16:21Tom Segura?

  Do men?

• 16:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 16:22Tom Segura?

  No, but men write vile things to me.

• 16:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would you say that your primary sexual demographic is dudes?

• 16:32Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 16:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who are, yeah.

• 16:34Tom Segura?

  I mean, the messages that I get, like dudes, I get the whole thing.

• 16:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dudes are so cool.

• 16:40Tom Segura?

  I get to feel like a woman. I get, I get things from like, they'll be like, "Looking good." Or like, "Yes, daddy, this is a hot whatever look on you," or like, you know, "But I can't get enough," like all those like, kind of like, you know, it's a compliment. And then the next tier is like, "God, I'd love to eat your ass," and like, you know.

• 17:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can we find the profiles of these gentlemen?

• 17:05Tom Segura?

  I don't wanna get into it. I'm not, no. I don't want to highlight them.

• 17:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  But they're like bears, right? Like they're.

• 17:12Tom Segura?

  Sometimes, sometimes it's totally not a bear look. It's just some dude and his profile is just like, whatever, music and, you know, shit, whatever he's into, like seemingly, you know, just regular shit. And then he's just like, God, I'd love if you sat on my face.

• 17:29Tom Segura?

  Or I just came to this photo and you're like, what the fuck, man?

• 17:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  So wild.

• 17:32Tom Segura?

  It's wild and you're like, oh, this is what chicks go through.

• 17:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, you know what? I've been obsessed with Karl Lagerfeld. I watched the series called Karl Before Lagerfeld. It was a French show.

• 17:44Tom Segura?

  Dude, pull up that quote. That's so funny.

• 17:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, dude.

• 17:46Tom Segura?

  The one you sent?

• 17:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, shit.

• 17:47Tom Segura?

  I have it.

• 17:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't have my phone.

• 17:48Tom Segura?

  I have it.

• 17:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, he's, he's such a hero.

• 17:50Tom Segura?

  Pull up an image of Karl Lagerfeld.

• 17:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Absolutely. He's so German.

• 17:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everything about, he, he doesn't give a fuck. He just says what's in his heart, you know?

• 18:00Tom Segura?

  This is so, okay, that's Karl Lagerfeld. For people that don't know, he was a legend in fashion.

• 18:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  He reinvented Chanel. He did such a good job.

• 18:06Tom Segura?

  And, um, you know, he was a staple of fashion for fucking 50 years. And then take a look, look at him. And then he says, he sent me this today. He goes, yes, some people say to me, you're too skinny, but never a skinny person says that to me. Only people who could lose a few pounds say that.

• 18:25Tom Segura?

  Which is just such a great, great quote. And then the other one is he said, oh, this is so funny. Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants.

• 18:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which is not untrue because during COVID, I think that was the first time I really got into wearing sweatpants.

• 18:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And that is like, it is on, like, some people will be like, whatever. I love them. They're comfy. And you're like, yeah, it is still, they're like, well, fuck it.

• 18:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've given up.

• 18:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's a little bit of a give up. There you go.

• 18:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sweatpants and he's German. Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants. He's the best, dude.

• 19:03Tom Segura?

  I mean, he dressed like that. That's the guy saying that. The guy who dressed like that every day.

• 19:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's the best.

• 19:09Tom Segura?

  Yes. Some people say to me, you're too skinny, but never a skinny person says that to me. Only people who could lose a few pounds say that.

• 19:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. And I also liked that he didn't like fat models.

• 19:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause he was like, look, it's about the fantasy. Okay. That's why we hire 15 year olds. They are skinny naturally.

• 19:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  And people are like, what? He's like, he's just saying the truth.

• 19:29Tom Segura?

  I'm not going to throw my clothes on a pig.

• 19:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Schweinhorn.

• 19:39Tom Segura?

  What sizes do we have? Zero, two, four.

• 19:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Literally, that's fashion, especially haute couture.

• 19:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  But my favorite part about Karl Lagerfeld in this show about his life is that he was a homosexual, but an asexual homosexual, which to me, it's like defeating the purpose of being a gay man. Like, isn't the raddest part about that is just like fucking all the time?

• 20:03Tom Segura?

  Especially a successful.

• 20:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know!

• 20:05Tom Segura?

  Fashion gay man?

• 20:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, no!

• 20:07Tom Segura?

  Do you imagine, can you imagine the amount of cock this guy could have had in his life?

• 20:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bro.

• 20:12Tom Segura?

  Insane.

• 20:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bro.

• 20:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he could just all day. Yeah.

• 20:18Tom Segura?

  And he just passed that up.

• 20:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, suckens is the cocksens all day long.

• 20:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he wasn't interested in cum, which is so crazy.

• 20:28Tom Segura?

  So strange, so not gay.

• 20:30Speaker 02

  No, it's such an anomaly.

• 20:32Tom Segura?

  It's an anomaly.

• 20:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  An asexual.

• 20:34Speaker 03

  From here to here, there's polarity because this tissue is the exact same tissue as this tissue. There are two ends of the spectrum. And in between those two, there is electrical connection.

• 20:44Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 20:45Speaker 03

  And, and when you said that, I was laughing so hard because the first thing that I did when I tried, because I was having issues with my hips and my pelvis.

• 20:53Tom Segura?

  I got fucked.

• 20:54Speaker 03

  And I knew it in clinic, I knew. The one thing I need to do is rotate the fashion there. I took, took my wife, put it up my and turned it and sat on it and, and bared down on it and started breathing and it unraveled the inside of my intestine, my organs, because our emotions, our organs are connected to our emotions.

• 21:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure. No asshole, no holy hole.

• 21:17Speaker 03

  Is the way that we move.

• 21:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  William Blunderfell.

• 21:19Speaker 03

  There's a blockage, there's a blockage. And so you're right, most guys should have something shoved up there.

• 21:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, most guys. And if you're out there and you have hip issues, you know, or something's going on in your knees.

• 21:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cuffs are tight, your calves are tight.

• 21:30Tom Segura?

  Dude, shove a dildo up your ass, sit on it, move around, and you'll, you'll see.

• 21:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then eat the banana for potassium.

• 21:37Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 21:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  But shove it up your ass first.

• 21:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:40Speaker 02

  That guy's got a stick up his, right?

• 21:42Speaker 03

  We say it for a reason.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  We say it for a reason. There needs to be unwinding there. And there's even this extra taboo, the dark place where our shit is stored.

• 21:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 21:52Speaker 02

  So when we go up there, we go demon hunting up. Right, we're inviting that to unwind, to open, to release.

• 22:00Speaker 03

  So can I tell you something biological?

• 22:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, please.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  Is that when you bear down, you always bear down because your digestion always goes in one direction, you always bear down in one way. And the rectum through the large intestine is great. But, and when you unravel the epithelial tissue at the, it actually will unravel all the way through up to the throat.

• 22:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 22:25Speaker 03

  And that was one of the, it was literally one of the most, when I, when I learned about the fascia, I'm like, took a ball, put it up my, and twisted and held it there and I thought, well, that did.

• 22:37Tom Segura?

  That's not a day one move.

• 22:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why a ball?

• 22:39Tom Segura?

  I took a ball and I put it in my ass.

• 22:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, there's precursor.

• 22:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Objects. Would you start with a ball?

• 22:47Tom Segura?

  I don't think, I don't think anyone should start with a ball. I would start with a pinky or, you know, the little homie. Put the little one in there.

• 22:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or even a suppository, I got used to doing that. It took once or twice and now I'm an expert, but.

• 23:00Tom Segura?

  That's awesome.

• 23:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 23:01Tom Segura?

  Maybe a ball is next for you.

• 23:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  A ball?

• 23:04Tom Segura?

  A ball, he put a ball in his ass.

• 23:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  A ball, babe.

• 23:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Like, nothing crazy, get like a softball or something.

• 23:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  A softball?

• 23:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would put a football because the shape is good.

• 23:16Tom Segura?

  But the big thing, if you're gonna put balls and lampshades and everything in your ass, you know, tie a string to it. The big problem.

• 23:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my god.

• 23:23Tom Segura?

  Is people lose it in their ass.

• 23:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  So true.

• 23:25Tom Segura?

  And then it feels great and you're like, I wish I could keep it forever, but you can't.

• 23:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  So true.

• 23:28Tom Segura?

  So you don't want to have to do a ER visit, you know?

• 23:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  So true, like tampons, that there's a reason, there's a string.

• 23:34Tom Segura?

  That's right.

• 23:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 23:34Tom Segura?

  That's right, you want it lost in your cooch, even though it feels so good and you're like, I love bleeding and I love this whole process, yeah.

• 23:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  This guy, do you think he's a doctor, like, how did he?

• 23:45Tom Segura?

  Uh, no, no, I don't think so.

• 23:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just the internet wisdom?

• 23:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's electricity between your asshole and your throat, you know, he's just kinda talking about what he likes.

• 23:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 23:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah. But it's important, you know, it's important to have these conversations.

• 23:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is.

• 23:59Tom Segura?

  Especially if you have hip issues.

• 24:02Speaker 05

  Actually, loved ass worship because I'm like, I think a lot of women would do that if they knew more about it.

• 24:09Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 24:09Speaker 05

  So can you paint me a picture of what an evening of ass worship has looked like in the past? Yeah, so. I had this one ass worshiper and we have met regularly, but he had bought this new chair. And so he started me when I opened the door, he had like this chair. I'm like, what is that? You know, so he decided to show to me and he was like, look, I could eat your ass with this chair. So he pulls it out and it's like two straps to kind of hold my ass cheeks open. And then like, so now he's just able to lay under my ass. Like he doesn't have to worry about spraying anything. I don't have to worry about spraying anything. And my asshole is just on full display for him to look at it, worship it, kiss it, lick it.

• 24:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Put a ball in there. Yeah.

• 24:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 24:50Tom Segura?

  Cool, right? It sounds like we just need to get a chair. Make your life easier.

• 24:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, that is a different level to your sex life when you're buying furniture to fuck.

• 24:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then the kids are like, what is that, mom?

• 25:03Tom Segura?

  And you're like, I have tight hips. I have to sit in this to loosen them. They're like, oh, okay.

• 25:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. I, I was friends with a couple. I worked with a couple one time and they were together for like 20 years, kind of like we are.

• 25:16Tom Segura?

  Furniture, right?

• 25:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. And, and he's like, we have a swing. We have a swing. And I was like, ugh, like I just, I don't know.

• 25:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, there it is.

• 25:27Tom Segura?

  Is that on Amazon?

• 25:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  It sure is.

• 25:29Tom Segura?

  Wow, they really do have everything. Oh, and then you could pull those straps, straps, looks like to pull your head up.

• 25:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 25:36Tom Segura?

  You don't have to like, you know what I mean?

• 25:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah. Oh, there it is.

• 25:40Tom Segura?

  The face writer. Amazon. I, that's crazy to me. That Amazon's like, what, you want to fucking sit on someone's face?

• 25:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  They got no limits, dude.

• 25:48Tom Segura?

  Did you get your zero sugar root beer? Do you want to get this too?

• 25:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your Halloween costume?

• 25:55Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ.

• 25:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  And your queening chair?

• 25:57Tom Segura?

  That's amazing. I had no idea that Amazon was in this sector.

• 26:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, let me tell you, I ordered a scar massager for my breast and it looked awfully a lot like a dildo.

• 26:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 26:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I was a little embarrassed.

• 26:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 26:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like waterproof and everything.

• 26:12Tom Segura?

  You know what I don't like about this artwork though? This cover? She looks like she's bare, like she's like, this is all for him. Like she's not enjoying it at all. Look at the level of disinterest in that look.

• 26:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's dead inside. Yeah. She's thoroughly dead.

• 26:27Tom Segura?

  Ass chair worship photos. So.

• 26:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it is vegan leather, which thank God for that.

• 26:33Tom Segura?

  That, for some reason, the, like, the people that love sex toys.

• 26:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 26:38Tom Segura?

  Are also concerned about shit like that. I don't know why that's that diagram works.

• 26:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 26:45Tom Segura?

  But they're like, I want to see where it's easier to eat my partner's ass. Hey, is this environmentally friendly?

• 26:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  So true.

• 26:52Tom Segura?

  I don't know why.

• 26:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it is a Venn diagram of like the non-binary type communities too. And intentionality and feelings and then animals. We got to care for the animals.

• 27:02Tom Segura?

  I love that the last sentence is easy to clean.

• 27:07Tom Segura?

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• 27:50Tom Segura?

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• 28:33Tom Segura?

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• 29:19Tom Segura?

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• 29:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  And like, he's handcuffed to it as well.

• 29:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's, he has no choice but to eat her ass.

• 29:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 29:35Tom Segura?

  I want to get out of here. And she's like, sorry.

• 29:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is it. It's definitely the girl's idea.

• 29:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is, this is developed for and by women, for sure.

• 29:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 29:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chicks just love building torture chairs for dudes.

• 29:51Tom Segura?

  That's funny.

• 29:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is such a chick thing. Oh, up to 440 pounds.

• 29:55Tom Segura?

  That's a big bitch.

• 29:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 29:59Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ. I don't want to eat anyone's ass. It's 440.

• 30:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God. Look, we were watching a show yesterday and one of the lesbians was very overweight.

• 30:07Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 30:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I was like, can you imagine?

• 30:10Tom Segura?

  What the pussy smells like. I remember.

• 30:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. I'm just thinking as a woman, I can say that, right?

• 30:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure. I mean, let's not outer, but yeah.

• 30:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would never say who this person was.

• 30:20Tom Segura?

  It was a big bitch.

• 30:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I was like, dude.

• 30:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, stinky.

• 30:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  But do you think that's a thing? Like, maybe that's why some gentle gentlemen's like?

• 30:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 30:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause they like the musk.

• 30:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 30:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 30:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  440 pounds.

• 30:34Tom Segura?

  They're like, are you clean? Get out of here. Yeah. A thousand percent. I'll tell you who is clean.

• 30:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, hello. Oh, hello there. Hi.

• 30:50Speaker 05

  Enjoy me, boo, yeah. Okay. Come on in and have some fun.

• 31:04Tom Segura?

  I could see you with him. I like that he's wearing the glasses in the shower.

• 31:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why didn't you even think about that?

• 31:10Tom Segura?

  They're completely fogged up. And he's like, I need them.

• 31:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause how is he, he's taping himself, taping himself, videoing himself?

• 31:18Tom Segura?

  No, his partner is.

• 31:24Speaker 05

  Fun?

• 31:25Tom Segura?

  Fun?

• 31:25Speaker 05

  Have some fun.

• 31:26Tom Segura?

  Fun, good.

• 31:27Speaker 05

  I'll be in, have fun.

• 31:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm fun.

• 31:31Tom Segura?

  I've heard fun a lot.

• 31:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so great. Yeah. Wait, I wish we were so tight on-

• 31:36Tom Segura?

  And then that got posted. He was like, I'm posting this shit. This is my thirst trap.

• 31:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's the deal. Here's the deal.

• 31:44Tom Segura?

  That's tight, dude.

• 31:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I will, but I will give him a 10 out of 10 for creativity. Because you don't see the cool guys come at you from the shower. It's always just in a chair. They're so lazy. They're shirtless. There's a fan.

• 31:57Tom Segura?

  I'd like a deep dive on this guy. He's pretty cool. Please let me know what's going on in his life.

• 32:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is the don't message me if you're black guy, Josh, just-

• 32:07Tom Segura?

  That's the guy?

• 32:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's him?

• 32:09Tom Segura?

  That's the guy. That's the guy. That's unfucking believable. This guy has, hey, be white only standard.

• 32:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 32:17Tom Segura?

  This guy.

• 32:20Tom Segura?

  This guy's like, you're not welcome in my shower if you're black.

• 32:27Tom Segura?

  That's so awesome. Fuck yeah, dude.

• 32:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you seen those memes where they're reading comments to like Margot Robbie or these highly beautiful women?

• 32:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 32:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they're like, she really let herself go. What a pig. And they always go to the guy's profile and he's a monster. It's so good.

• 32:44Tom Segura?

  That is an unbelievable account. It just, it does a deep, it's such a brilliant thing. It's a dive on the comments left on essentially just-

• 32:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gorgeous people, yeah.

• 32:56Tom Segura?

  And then they show you who left the comment. And it's, it's fantastic. We should find that.

• 33:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, let's find it.

• 33:01Tom Segura?

  I think it's on TikTok.

• 33:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because this is the guy who's like, hey.

• 33:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He's like, hey bitch, put that sandwich down. I liked her better when she wasn't so chunky. And you're like, what? Who? Who are you?

• 33:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who are you?

• 33:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he is like, hey.

• 33:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 33:17Tom Segura?

  Don't have kids.

• 33:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  No blackies.

• 33:19Tom Segura?

  You better have a job.

• 33:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  No kids.

• 33:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 33:22Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, these are great. Let's see. Men respond.

• 33:29Tom Segura?

  Boy, did that figure go south. It's this guy. Time to hit the gym, girl. Let's see, John. There's John.

• 33:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  And she's postpartum.

• 33:37Tom Segura?

  Chunky deer, you better. That guy. Better work out. Just a cute face, shoulders down, nothing.

• 33:45Tom Segura?

  Yep, it's good. She fell flat.

• 33:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 33:49Tom Segura?

  Okay, Lucas.

• 33:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, he's cute.

• 33:51Tom Segura?

  Makeup is the devil.

• 33:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 33:53Tom Segura?

  Okay, Frankie.

• 33:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well.

• 33:56Tom Segura?

  Yep. Wow, her dimensions have surely shifted.

• 34:01Tom Segura?

  It's a lot of spray tan. Yep.

• 34:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Women age like milk.

• 34:05Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 34:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, she just had a baby and she still looks amazing. Yeah, that shit's so funny.

• 34:12Tom Segura?

  It's crazy. It is crazy. Yeah.

• 34:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's his standards, too. He is like, I demand these things. Oh, men's response to Taylor.

• 34:21Tom Segura?

  He's so mid. Yeah, that's what it is. This is the one I was thinking of. Yeah. Go down further. Let's see who's, um, Megan Fox. Let's see what they say about Megan.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  Back to Megan Fox, let's go. But still has hammer thumbs.

• 34:36Tom Segura?

  That guy.

• 34:41Speaker 02

  Still looks like a.

• 34:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 34:44Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 34:44Speaker 02

  I prefer the plastic-free version.

• 34:48Speaker 02

  Did anybody ask you? Train wreck.

• 34:51Tom Segura?

  Train wreck.

• 34:53Speaker 02

  Looking like an alien.

• 34:57Speaker 02

  That's not a very big fish. As long as the domestic goddess girl still stands.

• 35:02Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 35:04Speaker 02

  So you wanted to look like Megan Fox and also be your mommy? No offense, but there's at least three employees at my local sprouts market that I would much rather spend time with.

• 35:11Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 35:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 35:13Tom Segura?

  You should.

• 35:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean.

• 35:14Tom Segura?

  Those are cool.

• 35:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tuva's.

• 35:16Speaker 02

  I D K. She looks like every girl in the club after 12 on a Friday night.

• 35:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  They all look the same.

• 35:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that a makeupless clown?

• 35:28Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 35:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 35:28Tom Segura?

  I think we got it.

• 35:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's just ridiculous. But that's the delusion. This, this dude. It's like, I deserve. I deserve the best.

• 35:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, I wish I had just an ounce of that.

• 35:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know? I've, I've fought so hard to have just like a, a, an ounce of self-esteem. This guy is like.

• 35:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what I mean?

• 35:52Tom Segura?

  Sure, yeah.

• 35:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  God damn.

• 35:54Tom Segura?

  Um, this is kinda fun. This is kinda guy that leaves.

• 35:57Speaker 06

  Why is that camera for?

• 35:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chances are you've seen him.

• 36:01Speaker 06

  Try to dip to the restaurant.

• 36:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sympathized with his wheelchair, his drawn hands, his story ripped at your heart.

• 36:10Speaker 06

  Damn, give me money and to dig some eat.

• 36:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lexington police say he's taken his act on tour of the city to places like the Lansdowne Shops, Hamburg and the Zandale corridor of Nicholasville Road. We busted this bogus beggar right outside the police department just minutes after a press conference about him.

• 36:31Speaker 06

  I'm the best in legs. I appreciate you guys busting me.

• 36:36Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm really good at it, really good. I clear about a hundred thousand dollars a year doing this. A hundred thousand dollars a year? Yeah, about sixty to a hundred. My, my, be, be, be boy, I'm just playing. I gotta go, y'all, I gotta make some money.

• 36:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was back at it again.

• 36:51Speaker 06

  Money for, for, fuck, dude.

• 36:57Tom Segura?

  Pretty cool, right?

• 36:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  He is really, he plays a better tard than like Leonardo DiCaprio.

• 37:04Tom Segura?

  That was pretty good. That's Gary Thompson.

• 37:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really good.

• 37:07Tom Segura?

  We should get into acting.

• 37:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pull up like What's Eating Gilbert Grape? I mean, that was really convincing. Leonardo was still too attractive to play.

• 37:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He was really good looking when he was doing that. He was like a teen, right?

• 37:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 37:21Tom Segura?

  He was just so handsome.

• 37:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, this is the key.

• 37:23Tom Segura?

  This guy, Gary, has been, he can walk, uh, has been caught using the money he gets for cocaine.

• 37:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah. So, yeah, that's somebody who, um,

• 37:36Tom Segura?

  was suspicious of him at one point, is, watched him and then figured out that he was faking it and then he heard the news.

• 37:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  How long, how long did he do?

• 37:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm dead. Arnie. Dad's dead. Arnie, shh. Dad's dead. Oh, look at Johnny Depp. Let's see, it's like Johnny Depp can't play that either. Neither can Leonardo. He's still.

• 38:01Tom Segura?

  Real good Johnny time.

• 38:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God, look at him.

• 38:03Tom Segura?

  Look at the hair.

• 38:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 38:05Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ.

• 38:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  This and the Edward Scissorhands time? I mean, OK, hold on.

• 38:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, this is Sophie's Choice, but Brad Pitt in Fight Club, like, prime Brad Pitt?

• 38:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or Johnny Depp in What's Eating Gilbert Grape Time?

• 38:19Tom Segura?

  What are you, fucking stupid?

• 38:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, look at Brad.

• 38:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's BP all the way, dude.

• 38:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah?

• 38:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  The pit stop, your best friend?

• 38:28Tom Segura?

  Well, look, everyone has their...

• 38:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck.

• 38:31Tom Segura?

  If you polled people, there would definitely be a lot of people that prefer Johnny, for sure. That's just the way of the world.

• 38:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, those are two different vibes.

• 38:38Tom Segura?

  It's a different vibe.

• 38:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because, OK, hold on.

• 38:41Tom Segura?

  But this is, that's the best BP.

• 38:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the best, this is the tight BP. So Johnny's more of like the sensitive thumb ring guy.

• 38:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, also.

• 38:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chocolat.

• 38:51Tom Segura?

  BP in Fight Club is a goddamn psychopath.

• 38:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, so hot.

• 38:55Tom Segura?

  It's a cool aesthetic, but he's fucking a lunatic, yeah.

• 38:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're both worthy aesthetics.

• 39:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  But like, oh, God, it's so tough. Because Johnny Depp will like read you poetry.

• 39:08Tom Segura?

  He's definitely going to play some songs, which I know you love.

• 39:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate the acoustic guitar.

• 39:12Tom Segura?

  He's gonna have six bottles of wine.

• 39:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck, oh, I know, I know, dude, that's a piss fire. And he gets too drunk and then all yella.

• 39:17Tom Segura?

  A hundred cigarettes and he's like, fucking bitch. Yeah.

• 39:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then, but here's the thing, he and that Amber Heard, they would fuck and fight.

• 39:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck and fight.

• 39:29Tom Segura?

  I mean, that was an electric.

• 39:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a good relationship, yeah.

• 39:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was great.

• 39:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  So if you're into that, then Johnny's your guy.

• 39:35Tom Segura?

  But he knew, he knew, this pussy's wild. He knew it had to, he had to get out of there.

• 39:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Amber, Amber, yeah.

• 39:41Tom Segura?

  I'm sure it's just bananas.

• 39:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  But, yo, was he throwing around like Kate Moss and shit back in the day, you think?

• 39:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he was banging whoever he wanted.

• 39:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  But was he throwing them, but was he like doing this Johnny Depp thing where he was drinking a lot and cursing at them and stuff? Because Kate's cool, she wouldn't say.

• 39:57Tom Segura?

  Here's the thing, though, the, that trial kind of revealed that like, yeah, he likes his wine.

• 40:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 40:02Tom Segura?

  But he wasn't an abusive prick. She was fucking psychotic.

• 40:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 40:08Tom Segura?

  That's what that whole trial revealed.

• 40:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it was kerosene and gasoline. The two of them were just like, full kerosene and fire, I guess, yeah. Wow.

• 40:18Tom Segura?

  All right.

• 40:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't believe you chose Brad Pitt to fuck over Johnny Depp. I'm like, it's like the way we know you. Aren't we even married?

• 40:25Tom Segura?

  Do you? All right, um, let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. And we are back and we're super excited today. You can see this gentleman nightly at the Luxor in Vegas. You go to CarrotTop.com for tickets. It's CarrotTop.

• 40:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my goodness!

• 40:40Tom Segura?

  All right, thank you for having me.

• 40:41Tom Segura?

  Hell, yeah, dude.

• 40:42Tom Segura?

  Thank you for coming in.

• 40:42Tom Segura?

  Thank you. Thank you. Even your producers, thank you. They're clapping over there.

• 40:46Tom Segura?

  Hell, yeah, man. Everyone's still here.

• 40:47Tom Segura?

  That's very nice.

• 40:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, this is awesome. This is awesome, dude. You've been, you've been performing for a long time.

• 40:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:54Tom Segura?

  And you've been in Vegas for a long time.

• 40:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, almost 30 years.

• 40:57Tom Segura?

  That's insane to me. You know, I used to have this thing where I would go like, because when you start working as a comic and you get Vegas offers, you know, you're making, let's say on the road, you're making 1,200 bucks a week. They go, hey, we got an offer for you. You go to Vegas, you're gonna make two grand this week. You're like, what the fuck? And then they go, and you're gonna do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You're like, huh?

• 41:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Two shows a night?

• 41:20Tom Segura?

  No, literally. I have the clubs, they do that. There's like three shows on a night.

• 41:24Tom Segura?

  And I would get fucking depressed, dude.

• 41:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:27Tom Segura?

  Doing that. Because also you realize you're like-

• 41:28Tom Segura?

  I get depressed just doing one.

• 41:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah. But it's like the atmosphere and you realize like you don't, you don't have, you can't afford actually anything. It's an illusion.

• 41:39Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 41:39Tom Segura?

  And then you're like, oh, I just want to be able to pay my bills, but I'm spending six days here.

• 41:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:45Tom Segura?

  And then, so you're like, you're in the, you're in the consumer city and it's like, don't consume anything.

• 41:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:51Tom Segura?

  It's a, it's a kind of a mindset.

• 41:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then you eat your meals in the cafeteria.

• 41:55Tom Segura?

  Right. No, it's, it's, uh, I'm, I'm, see, I'm, I'm lucky because I have a house there. So I don't, but for the first couple of months, of course, yeah, you love hotel life and you, you do. It's, it's very depressing.

• 42:04Tom Segura?

  Yes. You gotta get out of there.

• 42:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's like being on a cruise ship that is, that's, that's locked. It's the same people. Every, you just gotta, you have to get out of there. So get- Get a house, get a house and get out of that norm is nice. That made it, made it easier.

• 42:16Tom Segura?

  So now though, now Vegas feels home.

• 42:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's home. And you know, I, it's, it's the best gig in the world. I mean, you know, you leave your house, go in, do the show, um, go home.

• 42:27Tom Segura?

  That's great.

• 42:27Tom Segura?

  Supposed to get on a plane and try, but it's still, you know, it's work. It's six nights a week. I do, I do, I do do six shows a week. So it's, it's a, it's not an easy, um, not a slide through, you know?

• 42:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. And how long is your show?

• 42:40Tom Segura?

  It's about too long. It's about an hour and a half.

• 42:43Tom Segura?

  Damn.

• 42:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 42:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And you still have like, the one thing that, you know, two tours ago, I was doing doubles every night. Right?

• 42:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:53Tom Segura?

  All over. So it'd be like, I'd be in a city and do two Tuesday, two Wednesday, two, like,

• 42:57Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 42:57Tom Segura?

  And then I, you know, I'm 46 and on this tour, I was like, hey, man, I can't do it. I can't do that anymore.

• 43:04Tom Segura?

  Right, no doubt.

• 43:04Tom Segura?

  I don't understand how the, the stamina.

• 43:06Tom Segura?

  I like just one anyhow, but just for purpose, just not only for me, I just think one show, you're putting it all into.

• 43:13Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 43:13Tom Segura?

  I think every, ever going way back when I was playing clubs, when they had two or three shows, you're, they have, you have the crowd, you're there. The people are already lined up outside for the second one.

• 43:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:23Tom Segura?

  It feels like it's not a special to me.

• 43:25Tom Segura?

  I agree.

• 43:25Tom Segura?

  You know what I mean?

• 43:26Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 43:26Tom Segura?

  They're in there doing, and then we're gonna do the same thing to another. I like the one crowd, one thing, you give it your all.

• 43:31Tom Segura?

  And then you.

• 43:32Tom Segura?

  And then that's it. One show, but everything you got into it.

• 43:34Tom Segura?

  Now you started in Florida, you said?

• 43:36Tom Segura?

  Florida, yeah.

• 43:37Tom Segura?

  That's where you're from?

• 43:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:38Tom Segura?

  Where, where in Florida?

• 43:39Tom Segura?

  Uh, well, actually Rockledge, but it's Cocoa.

• 43:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, Cocoa.

• 43:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Cocoa Beach.

• 43:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Well, Cocoa, not Cocoa Beach. See, that's what's funny. So people always say, I'd say Cocoa. They'll, Cocoa Beach. I'm like, well, there's Cocoa.

• 43:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:50Tom Segura?

  Shithole. And then there's Merritt Island, and then there's Cocoa Beach. So.

• 43:53Tom Segura?

  Right. They're very different.

• 43:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah. We don't have running water in Cocoa. Yeah, go to Cocoa Beach. There's, there's a surf shop and there's things.

• 43:59Tom Segura?

  And is that where you went to high school and all that too?

• 44:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, Cocoa High School.

• 44:02Tom Segura?

  Okay. Wow. So I was in, uh, Vero Beach, which is not too far.

• 44:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, no. The Dodgers used to spring training there.

• 44:09Tom Segura?

  Spring training there for like 50 years until one of the guys that bought it was like, we're not doing that anymore.

• 44:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:14Tom Segura?

  And that depressed the entire town.

• 44:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:17Tom Segura?

  But we used to go to Cocoa to watch, uh, shuttle launches, right?

• 44:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's where my dad worked. My dad worked at the, at the space.

• 44:23Tom Segura?

  So we, I watched, you know, every launch known to mankind. And what's funny now, cause you look back, you look back on it, you're like, I want, you know, I wanted, I wanted to ride my bike. I wanted to go watch Brady Bunch and Partridge Family. I didn't want to go to a, a launch.

• 44:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:37Tom Segura?

  And so my dad's like, no, we're going to a, you know, you meet all the astronauts, you're shaking hands with John Young and John, you know, Neil Armstrong and shit. You don't even know it.

• 44:45Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 44:47Tom Segura?

  And then as you get older, you realize, oh, I got to meet like real rock stars.

• 44:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:51Tom Segura?

  Real astronauts, you know, and you're watching a real rocket, you know.

• 44:54Tom Segura?

  I remember one time we took, um, I must've been like a sophomore, I think in high school. We took the bus, like a school bus from Vero up to Cocoa. And the launch was in the evening. And so it's, it's dark out. And then when that thing launched.

• 45:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:09Tom Segura?

  It stayed daylight from the rocket boosters for like seven minutes.

• 45:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And the, and the, and the thunder of the, the rocket, I mean, it's a real deal, right?

• 45:18Tom Segura?

  It's really incredible.

• 45:19Tom Segura?

  Electric ones, you, you know, it's, yeah, launch is going to go, the old days.

• 45:25Tom Segura?

  It's a guttural thing.

• 45:26Tom Segura?

  Big sonic boom.

• 45:27Tom Segura?

  It's awesome. It's awesome, dude.

• 45:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Was your father like an engineer?

• 45:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Smart guy.

• 45:32Tom Segura?

  Very. I don't know how, I was, I must've, I always say in my, in my show, my whole adopted life, I wanted to, cause my brother was an air force academy graduate, air, F-16 pilot. My dad worked at NASA and I have, uh, you know, walkers with dildo strapped to them. So, you know, it's, you know, it's, it's different.

• 45:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, we get it.

• 45:50Tom Segura?

  I'm kind of fascinated by this aspect of it. Cause like, everybody knows you do props.

• 45:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 45:55Tom Segura?

  It's part of your show. Like I met a, a high level magician one time and we were talking and I was like, look, I'm not asking you, tell me how you do the trick. But like, I'm asking you, like, what's the process like of like, like, how are you going to dive into one of your magic tricks? You know, we had a conversation about that. Do you like see things and go, I gotta, like, I'll make a joke for this? Or does the joke kind of come and then you support it with a prop?

• 46:22Tom Segura?

  Both.

• 46:22Tom Segura?

  Both?

• 46:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Sometimes I'll see something and I'm just like, there's something fun. I, I mean, you know, on the road for years, we'd just driving on the road and there'd be a yard sale. And of course, you know, it's, it's crack for me. So I'd be like, stop, we gotta go through the yard. And I would just roam and I'd see objects like, uh, One was a little toilet. It was just a mini toilet. It was, you know, 50 cents, whatever it was. I would have paid a hundred bucks for it. It was a little toilet. So I just had it on the bus for a couple of days. I'm like, there's something funny about a little toilet. So then I thought, I know what it'll be. It'll be a plate for bulimics. So I made a plate and then you strap it to the toilet. So you could eat and throw up at the same time. And it was like my, you know, it was a, one of my closers, as you say, back in the day.

• 47:03Tom Segura?

  And I remember doing that on the Tonight Show and Gary Shandling was a guest and I was just, I was so nerve wracked, right? Cause he, he was, sometimes the guest leaves, sometimes he said, you know, I'm gonna stay and watch Karen. I was like, oh God, I'm, you know, I'm performing in front of my, one of my heroes.

• 47:18Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 47:18Tom Segura?

  And I'm thinking, oh, this is so dumb. I'm, you know, this crap I'm doing. I kept looking over and he's dying. So we sat down the commercial break and all he, all he said was, plate for bulimics? And he said, that is genius. And I just said, oh, good. And he just loved it. And then he went over and said, how did, how do you, cause a lot of people say, where do you, where do you find all this shit? I'm like, no, I make it. I don't, I don't, I don't find, Regis always said that to me. For like nine years, I would do the, I said, the plate for bulimics. They, I would do, um, Regis and Kilver, I did a great show. And at the end, he said, this guy, huh? Where does he find this stuff? And I said, well, no, I don't, I make it. Like Regis thought I just found a plate for bulimics. And someone had already made that. And I just, oh, wow. You know, I wish they did. It'd make my, my job a lot easier.

• 48:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but you have to actually construct the stuff.

• 48:04Tom Segura?

  Construct it. I got into that with Kill Tony last night. We were doing the show and he, you know, he said something. Cause it was, it was one that adds, it was, uh, you know, it took some thought into it. Most of them do. There's a thought process. It's not just a, like he said, oh, you just take a Sharpie and put it on a beer. So if you like to eat or drink and write, I'm like, no, that's not the, that's not a problem. It has to be somewhat inventive.

• 48:28Tom Segura?

  It does.

• 48:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 48:29Tom Segura?

  So.

• 48:30Tom Segura?

  That's where I got my dad's, I think my dad's.

• 48:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, engineering mind.

• 48:34Tom Segura?

  Little bit of my dad's brain.

• 48:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And so how often do you have to like turn over a show? Like, do you, is it like, or it's always evolving?

• 48:42Tom Segura?

  It's only my, for me, my, what I, unless I'm doing like shows where I wanna, I have to, like when I do the Tonight Show all the time, you have to have a new, a new set.

• 48:50Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 48:51Tom Segura?

  You can't do the same set. So I, I'm always writing. I think that's one of my favorite things about this job is the creative process of writing all the time. Not only for me, but I think for the audience, cause the audience, you know, we did get turnaround. We have a lot of, you know, how people have been to the show and, you know, sometimes people have been here nineteen times.

• 49:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 49:08Tom Segura?

  So you're like, oh, yeah, I gotta get, I gotta get another plate for Blamek joke.

• 49:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:12Tom Segura?

  A new one.

• 49:13Tom Segura?

  A new one.

• 49:13Tom Segura?

  So, uh, it's always good for me and my crew and for the audience, because they, they know it. They're savvy. I mean, the crowds know, like, that's a new one. That's great.

• 49:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's fucking rad.

• 49:22Tom Segura?

  And topical. If it's something very topical, people like last night, one, Tony's like, now that's topical. So I say, I get credit, I get bonus points. I mean, it's, it's, it's in the news, you know?

• 49:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. It's incredible. I just, I, the stamina to do what you do, the nightly shows. So wait, when you're in Vegas, is it seven nights?

• 49:39Tom Segura?

  Six, six.

• 49:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, six.

• 49:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Six, what day you take off? Sunday, the Lord's Day?

• 49:42Tom Segura?

  Sunday, Sunday, the Lord's Day, yes.

• 49:44Tom Segura?

  And then you do your worship.

• 49:45Tom Segura?

  I would like, uh, like, uh, what is it? What's the chicken place that closes on Sunday?

• 49:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chick-fil-A.

• 49:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we're like Chick-fil-A. We close on Sundays.

• 49:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:53Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 49:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you do have a lot of energy, too. Like, you're a high-energy guy.

• 49:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Like, right now, I'm pretty much.

• 50:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't think I didn't.

• 50:01Tom Segura?

  I flew all the way, we've been flying. But, uh, no, it's, um, yeah, you find the, you find the energy. You know that, right? You find the energy in stage. It's a different, uh, different, when you get into the zone, you know? How many times we've met with, worked with comics that, uh, older, I mean, literally George Burns, I was blessed to, I was on a Comic Relief, and they wheeled George Burns right next to me. I'm standing there. I was gonna go on after him, and he was just sitting there in the chair, and he was just, I, it was just like, oh my, first I'm just like, oh my God, it's George Burns.

• 50:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:33Tom Segura?

  And then they handed him his cigar, and they said, ladies and gentlemen, George Burns, and they got him, and he almost ran out there.

• 50:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 50:41Tom Segura?

  And just killed. And then he, he came up, sat in the chair, and again, I say, he, he used all that energy to get,

• 50:47Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 50:47Tom Segura?

  to that set, but, um, I'm not quite there yet.

• 50:49Tom Segura?

  You're not quite there.

• 50:50Tom Segura?

  I'm just sitting in my chair, and they go, Scott! And I went, what's that? We gotta go.

• 50:53Tom Segura?

  But you're also fucking jacked, dude.

• 50:55Tom Segura?

  Where's my cigar? That's from carrying all my hate mail. You had to carry all this shit around the country all these years.

• 51:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  But that's true. What prompted your fitness?

• 51:05Tom Segura?

  I always, I always worked out when I was in my junior high. I got into wrestling. So I always worked out when I was 13, 14, 15, all the way through high school. I was on the swim team.

• 51:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  I didn't realize.

• 51:17Tom Segura?

  That's a little, that's, I think that was more, that's not me now. But I got, I got pretty, I got pretty, you know, and what's weird is when you're a comic, you're not allowed to be in shape.

• 51:29Tom Segura?

  No.

• 51:29Tom Segura?

  Now you're in shape. You're like, what's wrong with you?

• 51:31Tom Segura?

  Well, it's like this, though. It's like, it's like if you went on stage and like took your shirt off.

• 51:38Tom Segura?

  But I would never do.

• 51:39Tom Segura?

  No, I know you wouldn't. But like what I'm saying is people would look at this and go, all right, like the men are feeling like threatened.

• 51:47Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 51:48Tom Segura?

  The women are like, wow. And then you're like, no one's listening to you. They're just distracted.

• 51:52Tom Segura?

  And some men are going, oh.

• 51:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, some guys are going like, I like this too.

• 51:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  We were talking about that with Tom. Do you have a lot of dudes that like you? Tom gets a lot of dude.

• 52:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. We could like, yeah. I always find that funny because people say, man, you know, gay bar and some guy hit on me. I'm like, be thrilled. You should be excited that someone, anyone hits on you. You should be happy. Right? Man, woman, animal, anyone that likes you, you should be very happy.

• 52:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah. I mean, it's super flattering.

• 52:17Tom Segura?

  Very flattering.

• 52:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you have a relationship? Are you able to?

• 52:20Tom Segura?

  Just all my props and with my people. No, I don't. I'm not in anything. Yeah.

• 52:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's got to be hard, I imagine, because you're, you're performing six nights.

• 52:29Tom Segura?

  Is it hard or is it the best?

• 52:31Tom Segura?

  It's the best.

• 52:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shut up. You shut your mouth.

• 52:34Tom Segura?

  No, it's, it's the best. Yeah, no. I, I chose, I mean, I could probably have a relationship.

• 52:39Tom Segura?

  No shit.

• 52:40Tom Segura?

  But you're right. But I know, I mean, I've had them in the past and I just, I find, I find life more fun. I just, I'm on the go and everywhere. Even having a dog, I had a dog forever. And it was just the hardest thing, traveling and worrying about anybody. I'm.

• 52:56Tom Segura?

  Do you still travel a lot, though?

• 52:57Tom Segura?

  Not as, not as much. We do some road shows, but the Vegas show consumes a lot of, at 240 shows a year.

• 53:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jesus Christ.

• 53:07Tom Segura?

  My manager has a car payment, you know.

• 53:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was gonna say, you're stacking checks, bro. You got no ex-wives, no.

• 53:13Tom Segura?

  No ex-wives.

• 53:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're just sitting on a mountain of money in Vegas.

• 53:17Tom Segura?

  Well, try.

• 53:18Tom Segura?

  No state income tax.

• 53:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 53:20Tom Segura?

  But I live in Florida and, and, and Vegas. So, so look at that. So then again, people always say, hey, you're pretty smart. You get the, you picked the two. I said, well, no, I was born in one and I live, working the other one. So.

• 53:29Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 53:29Tom Segura?

  Kinda didn't plan it, but.

• 53:30Tom Segura?

  But it's not an accident.

• 53:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 53:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, do you have fun with your money?

• 53:35Tom Segura?

  I don't buy anything. I'm one of those weird, I'm, I'm not like Jay Leno. I don't, I don't spend my, spend my money. I, I just do. I pay when he does that shit to me. I know.

• 53:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's funny. It's funny.

• 53:46Tom Segura?

  No, it is funny. But you know, I don't spend my, spend my money.

• 53:50Tom Segura?

  I, I have, I have like, you know, one car.

• 53:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:53Tom Segura?

  And in fact, I tried getting on Jay Leno, cause I've been to Tonight Show thousands of times. And he had the car show. I said to him when I said, hey, put me on your, you know, I was on your Tonight Show thirty five, put me on the car show. And he's like, uh, you know, I'm a car. I said, no, I know nothing about cars, but it'd still be fun to be on. He's like, well, no, you gotta know about cars. I said, no, the thing, funniest thing is I don't know shit about cars. That's what makes you funny. You bring me on and you're like, you know, I'm a car. Then you just, you talk about the cars.

• 54:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:16Tom Segura?

  And I learned like, where's the carburetor at?

• 54:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:18Tom Segura?

  You know, I don't need to know. But he's a, he's a, he's a, he was one, you know, Leno was the really the, like Regis and Lenos and all those guys when I first started. They were so good to me. They, every time I had a new set, they would say, you know, come on. And Jay would get so much slack. He'd tell me, he's, I go to the airports and I'm like, how can he keep fucking Carrot Top? He's like, no, it brings the guns. He brings the, you know, does the thing.

• 54:43Tom Segura?

  Really? That people were giving him shit?

• 54:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, because other comics like, you know, why you have Carrot Top on every other week? He's like, I don't.

• 54:49Tom Segura?

  He delivers.

• 54:49Tom Segura?

  Say, cause they deliver. And I say, I'm sorry, Jay, I'm had to do you. No, no, you fuck them. You know, they do.

• 54:54Tom Segura?

  He's great. I love Jay.

• 54:55Tom Segura?

  I just like seeing Jay when he says fuck, cause you don't see on Tonight Show. It's so silly. Then he's backstage like, yeah, he's fucking asshole.

• 55:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you did come up at a time where you had to be squeaky clean. Cause if you wanted to have a career.

• 55:09Tom Segura?

  I did state fairs and yeah, I mean, colleges, it's weird because I would do a college on a whatever night. Thursday night, University of Florida. And then on the weekend, I would do a state fair in like Iowa. And it was, you could say anything you wanted to college, some colleges. And then you're at a state fair where it's G. And then the next night was a theater where I could do whatever I wanted. So it was very.

• 55:33Tom Segura?

  So you had to pivot your act.

• 55:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah. I mean, it was so, it was challenging, which was good, but it would be really hard.

• 55:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:40Tom Segura?

  You know, and then next time you're back with G, right? Hey, you know, hey guys, you know?

• 55:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:44Tom Segura?

  And then the college like, who's fucking out there, you know, bongs with mirrors on them, you know, shit that people wanted to see.

• 55:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  But see that I don't imagine you, cause I grew up watching the clean version on television.

• 55:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 55:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  So the fact that you're even saying, like, you said, I have a walker with dildos. Like, you just blew my mind.

• 56:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, a lot of people, they do think that. It's like the Bob Saget kind of thing.

• 56:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 56:05Tom Segura?

  Cause everyone, of course, Bob Saget was, you know, Full House and just the cleanest guy. And they go to the clubs. He's just raunchy. And people were like, this is not, where's the guy from Full House?

• 56:13Tom Segura?

  I opened for him one time. We did a weekend at the improv. I think we were in Brea. And yeah, like we met and I, I still remember that I was like, oh, how should I bring you up? Like, what should I? You know, so I was in the habit of being like, what are the credits? He's like, they know why they're here. Yeah.

• 56:31Tom Segura?

  Okay. Which I kind of liked. I respected it honestly, that he was like, you don't have to tell them.

• 56:35Tom Segura?

  I'm Bob Saget bitch.

• 56:36Tom Segura?

  You don't have to tell them the credits. I was like, okay. And then I brought him up and then he was like, God, I bet your pussy smells amazing. And I was like, whoa.

• 56:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mousers.

• 56:44Tom Segura?

  And it was just like.

• 56:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Some people are shocked because they haven't seen the shows at the state fairs and they come to me and they're like, oh, okay. And I will say it's Vegas, you know, it's not your, I'm not your grandpa's carrot.

• 56:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  But where do you prefer to work? What's your?

• 56:57Tom Segura?

  Well, I mean, I like to have the freedom of doing.

• 57:00Tom Segura?

  All of it.

• 57:00Tom Segura?

  You know, last night at the Kiltown, it was, it's such a raw, it's, it's, it's just old school. For me, it reminds me of the old clubs when you're, the smoke filled, people sitting at tables, drinking and rowdy and just everything works.

• 57:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:14Tom Segura?

  You know, every joke, it will work. Great crowds. I like those. I mean, I don't, you know, my least favorite would be corporate gigs. Unless you're watching, I love being booked. I love being booked for corporate gigs.

• 57:25Tom Segura?

  Dude, I did a corporate this year and I still remember getting the call and being like, I don't know, man. And then I was like, yeah, okay, I'll do it. And then being there backstage with my friend and being like, we're about to eat shit, dude. We're about to eat shit here. And we did, dude. We totally fucking ate it.

• 57:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the worst feeling.

• 57:45Tom Segura?

  I think I might have said something similar when I was up there. I said, you guys are eating and now I'm eating shit. Yeah. And they're like, they're just horrible. I had one for Starbucks that was incredible. It was at Bally's in Vegas and I'm almost like, you're making it up, but the crowd was wired. I mean, like they had all had fucking Starbucks coffees right there. And you walk out and it was just, oh. And it was like a collab, you just, rock star shit. Then you do one where it's just, I don't know. If I'm not a company, a tech company, and literally crickets. I mean, I think I made a joke, a prop where it had crickets on. Just because if I do a corporate gig, it's like, this is what is happening right now. Just horrible.

• 58:27Tom Segura?

  I did a.

• 58:28Tom Segura?

  I lift your wounds and you go back to Vegas. I'm a comic. I am a comic.

• 58:31Tom Segura?

  You actually go, you leave those and you're like, I gotta get on another stage.

• 58:34Tom Segura?

  Right away, you got, or yeah, just quit. You come off a bridge.

• 58:38Tom Segura?

  This was a private, you know, corporate event and it was in Arizona at a really nice like resort. And right before, I'm like, when am I going up? They're like, you're gonna be up in a minute. And they go, hold on a second. And then this woman goes on stage and she's like, there are children that are dying. And we're gonna do an auction real quick for like fundraising for the kids in like El Salvador. And I was like, oh, boy. And then they transitioned from, and by the way, no one was bidding. So they were like, 3,000, and no one's bidding. 2,000, like lowering the price for the kids.

• 59:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 59:14Tom Segura?

  And then they put it, then they transitioned on the screen, welcome comedy superstar. I was like. And I walked out and no, nobody clapped, dude. No, everyone was like, what the fuck is this?

• 59:26Tom Segura?

  We share something very similar.

• 59:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 59:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know a lot of comics have had that, that happen.

• 59:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 59:31Tom Segura?

  I did the Jerry Lewis telethon. It made me think of this, this is exact, this is true. God strike me dead. So I, I'm on, Ed McMahon is, is gonna bring me out and Jerry goes out like a breaking news. He walked by, you know, I'll be right back. Stay, stay ready, kid. And he went out. He wasn't supposed to, Ed was gonna bring me out. And he said, this just in. And he said, um, one of our children has just passed away. I mean, like, right now, right? Like, right now. He's holding the note. He's, you know, he's shaking it, reading it. He's like, you know, Timothy, so and they should, they pulled a picture of him up.

• 1:00:08Tom Segura?

  And he's, everyone's crying. Everyone. I'm crying. Ed McMahon is, we're all fucking dying. And all I did was look over at it. I said, he's, he's not bringing me up, is he? And he said, uh, he might. And I said, well, he wouldn't do that. He says, he might. And sure as shit, he's just done. He goes, well, if anybody can make everybody feel better now, is this guy. Swear to God. Carrot, you know, same thing, comedy, and Carrot Top. And I'm like, are you, you have no time to think. So you go out and you, you hug him. You wipe your tears down. And everybody, I go, hi. And in like five jokes in, still nothing. The band, I finally get the band. I said, you know, when the band, when I got the band, then they all started to loosen up. But the whole set was just, was disastrous. And I came off and Jerry said, I did that because you're a pro.

• 1:00:51Tom Segura?

  You're, you're the only one that could do it. I said, well, don't ever fucking do that to me again.

• 1:00:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that was horrible, dude. I think it was Sickler, our friend Ryan Sickler, who did, um, he got, he got booked to do the Christmas party for the robbery homicide division of LAPD. And he said that, they're like, all right, we're gonna have some laughs, but first, first, let's take a moment to our fallen brothers from this. And they talked about officers that had died during the year. And they're like, all right, let's laugh it up now.

• 1:01:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:01:21Tom Segura?

  Everybody had a moment.

• 1:01:22Tom Segura?

  Forgot all those dead people, all right?

• 1:01:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:24Tom Segura?

  That ever happened. You got me thinking, nasty in my brain. So thinking LAPD.

• 1:01:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:30Tom Segura?

  This is crazy. Jerry Lewis again. This is when it was in LA. I had gone up. This is a little more fun, but it was still weird. I had had all these OJ jokes, right? Because OJ.

• 1:01:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is a good time for comedy.

• 1:01:40Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 1:01:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:41Tom Segura?

  I had a belt that had bloody gloves, Velcroed to the belt. So you could, you could, you know,

• 1:01:46Tom Segura?

  Toss them.

• 1:01:46Tom Segura?

  Toss them on the, you know, because they were planting, because they were planting gloves, they're ready. So. I literally am standing there with, with, with the props. A, a, an opening was an open out. I said, hey, look, a belt for LAPD so they can, they can plant a glove. There's thirty-five, forty LAPD officers all backstage, just all, they're all like, dude, big fan, man, big fans. And I'm like, right on, kill it, have fun. I said, right on. And I, I look back and I go out and I, I opened with that joke and I, I'm thinking.

• 1:02:15Tom Segura?

  They're gonna be dying.

• 1:02:16Tom Segura?

  Oh, no. Yeah, they, no, they were losing it. I thought they were gonna be mad. I, I got done. I did like three or four, football with a knife on it, all these stupid OJ jokes. And I came back and they were like, that was great. I said, dude, you can get fired if you were laughing.

• 1:02:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:29Tom Segura?

  At these jokes, but awkward, awkward moments when you, you don't know what to do.

• 1:02:34Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 1:02:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  One time I was headlining a bar by the airport and a Samoan woman got punched out and bled all over the floor and the ambulance came and took her away. And they're like, well, let's start the show.

• 1:02:48Tom Segura?

  Jesus. That's just what the fu-

• 1:02:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was crazy.

• 1:02:56Tom Segura?

  We had done a show in Pittsburgh and me and my crew went out to get a, a drink at this really, really just seedy bar in Pittsburgh, right downtown, snowing out. We go in, this, a fight breaks out. It's only me, my, my, two of my buddies on the crew and these two guys. And these two guys are, I could hear them starting to, you know, the sound of a fight, you hear that.

• 1:03:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:15Tom Segura?

  That shit, just that weird noise where you're like, holy fuck.

• 1:03:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:19Tom Segura?

  And I turn around, this guy is beating, literally the shit out of him. I mean, to the point where he's dead. The bartender knows him both, you know, Frank, Frank, Bill. And he's looking over the bar, he's stop, stop, stop. And the guy wouldn't stop, so he jumps over the bar, pulls him off. The guy is literally, looks dead. He goes, ah, fuck, call a cab. I, cab?

• 1:03:37Tom Segura?

  Cab.

• 1:03:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  A cab.

• 1:03:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:39Tom Segura?

  I mean, you think of that guy, the guy's dead and again, they call a cab. Me and my buddy are like, call a fucking ambulance. The guy, a cab? That's Pittsburgh. Holy shit.

• 1:03:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or just even in the summertime when people pass out in clubs during your shows, you know, like the heat, they've been drinking.

• 1:03:53Tom Segura?

  We get that, yeah.

• 1:03:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, you get that in Vegas all the time.

• 1:03:55Tom Segura?

  People ever wonder where inspiration comes from?

• 1:03:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  All the time, bub. All the time. Where did you get your ideas from? From working in a mortuary when you were fifteen? Adolf Hitler. What do you mean by that, Ozzy? Not for, Adolf Hitler had, um-

• 1:04:12Tom Segura?

  A charisma in a bad way. I'm not. I kind of admired him. He was a freak. He was a lunatic. But he had something about him.

• 1:04:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe, is this in the folder of guys who love Hitler? We should start a whole new segment.

• 1:04:28Tom Segura?

  That was so creepy.

• 1:04:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  We've had so many people that admire Hitler. Like, there should be a folder now of dudes who love it because people reference him constantly.

• 1:04:37Tom Segura?

  I don't, I never have.

• 1:04:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I know.

• 1:04:41Tom Segura?

  Never done. Never thought, how'd you get your start? Well, what made you get into comedy? It means something different to guys like Hitler. Why do I have Hitler's picture in the, behind my desk? Because he's arguably the best salesman that ever lived. How do you get sixty, seventy, eighty million people to genocide ten million people?

• 1:05:03Tom Segura?

  Either those ten million people had to do something terrible, which wasn't the case, or you gotta be a slick motherfucker. I mean, and he was.

• 1:05:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:05:12Tom Segura?

  And that's why I have his photo behind my desk.

• 1:05:13Tom Segura?

  That's why I have his photo behind my desk. Like, yeah, the fuck?

• 1:05:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:17Tom Segura?

  You know, I did a Gene Simmons show one time. It reminds me of everything, kind of gets you onto a theme.

• 1:05:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, we love Gene.

• 1:05:21Tom Segura?

  We're doing so, yeah.

• 1:05:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Friend of the show.

• 1:05:23Tom Segura?

  I, I invented the, uh, I can't do a good Gene Simmons, but he says, uh, he says, Scott, we were filming at his house and for a show. And I, I was walking around and, you know, messing with him because he's, he's so, he could, he's, he's so easy to...

• 1:05:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:44Tom Segura?

  So I, I said, um, you know, the cameras are with me. He says, we have, you know, anything kiss related, we have. And I said, yeah, well, I see that. He goes, no, name anything and we have it. So I said, all right, Kiss Con, you know, of course we have Kiss Con. And he's like, oh, you have a Kiss casket? So I said, I, I ran out of things to ask. I know he has a, you know, probably blow up doll, kiss blow up doll, everything. So far the cameras there, he says, I said, now, I want to be deadly honest with you and I hope don't, I hope I don't offend you, um, because you're probably not going to find this very nice, but I, I've never heard of your band, but apparently you are very successful. And he's like, never heard of Kiss? And I said, no, see, that's what I'm saying. I don't,

• 1:06:25Tom Segura?

  I'm not trying to, like, I'm not saying in a mean way. I just, you have, you must have done well. I just, I don't know, I don't know the band. I, I've seen this logo and things, but I didn't know it was a band. And he's just looking at me like, you don't know who fucking Kiss? I said, no, I know. I said, I know, I know Hanson.

• 1:06:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 1:06:42Tom Segura?

  And he was like, Hanson? I swear to God. He's like, Hanson? And I said, yeah, mm bop. I said, I know that guy, those guys, they're really good. And he just looked at me and the camera guys are, are shaking because they, they know I'm fucking with them. Finally, he's like, you're kidding with me, right? I said, yeah, I'm completely kidding. Of course, I know who Kiss. I go to the restroom and he says, um, you go in the restroom and I go in there and there's a Beatles, a signed Beatles album on the ground.

• 1:07:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  On the ground?

• 1:07:09Tom Segura?

  By the commode.

• 1:07:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 1:07:11Tom Segura?

  So I'm like, what the fuck's that? So I go out and I said, hey, I got a question. Now that I know you're, I know who Kiss is. Why do you have a signed Beatles album? He goes, oh, that's very observational of you. I said, well, why? He says, because I don't respect them. They didn't own the rights to their music, say, they are nothing. And then I'm like, what? He, but he was serious because he has a marketing thing. And then I just saw him on a podcast, maybe a week ago, and he says, the best band in the world were the Beatles. And I'm like, what the fuck? Seriously? I don't know if he changed his mind. I said, can I have the, can I take it? Because I'll take the signed Beatles album.

• 1:07:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gene is a great capitalist.

• 1:07:49Tom Segura?

  There we are. Look at that.

• 1:07:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  He respects money making and he's brilliant.

• 1:07:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:54Tom Segura?

  He was, he was a great guest. He was awesome.

• 1:07:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really great.

• 1:07:57Tom Segura?

  Great. He was awesome.

• 1:07:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:59Tom Segura?

  He's a wonderful, wonderful.

• 1:07:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's so funny.

• 1:08:00Tom Segura?

  So tell me, like, as far as, what's in the, what's in the case today?

• 1:08:04Tom Segura?

  What do you have? I don't even know.

• 1:08:06Tom Segura?

  You don't even know?

• 1:08:06Tom Segura?

  No, I know some things. I brought, I was doing the Tony show and of course he, he was like, please, please, please bring, bring your little babies. So I, I brought a few. I, this one is brand new. I mean, I, I only, the last night I tried it, it worked, but I had never done it.

• 1:08:21Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:08:21Tom Segura?

  And I, whenever I used to do a show, especially the Tonight Show, it was my thing is to always make one backstage.

• 1:08:29Tom Segura?

  It's never been tested.

• 1:08:30Tom Segura?

  Backstage?

• 1:08:31Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, before the show. Like before rehearsal, I wouldn't even rehearse it.

• 1:08:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my god.

• 1:08:35Tom Segura?

  And I would go back in the green room and I'd build it. And sometimes Jay would come in and say again.

• 1:08:41Tom Segura?

  I said, I'm just making, are you fixing it? I said, no, I'm making, I had never. And he's like, you've never done it? I said, yeah. Like, every comic.

• 1:08:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:49Tom Segura?

  Practices their shit, but I don't know, fuck, that was my, my thing. It gave me adrenaline.

• 1:08:54Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 1:08:54Tom Segura?

  So.

• 1:08:55Tom Segura?

  The rush.

• 1:08:55Tom Segura?

  But it, but I did it last night, it did good. So the joke, first, the setup is guys, a lot of guys, they get drunk, they punch a wall, right? And that's what happened. I heard a friend of mine backstage, what happened to your hand? He's, uh, so what'd you do to it? He's always gotten something wrong with him. Well, what, what'd you do to your hand? He's like, I got mad and I punched the fucking wall. I said, you punched a wall? Jesus Christ. He goes, yeah, I fucking, I broke, I broke his hand when he hit the wall. I said, well, you shouldn't. So I thought, it's gotta be a joke. So I said, they should have a beer. A beer with a stud finder on it, so you can find out where the, where the, where the punch.

• 1:09:32Tom Segura?

  That's very funny.

• 1:09:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And then Tony's like, I mean, it was great. And then later on, he's like, so is that how you do it? You just, you just take something and tape to it? I said, no, I had to build, I had to find an actual fucking buzzer, bell. This part's completely different than the see the bug.

• 1:09:47Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:09:47Tom Segura?

  This didn't have a bink, a thing on it.

• 1:09:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:49Tom Segura?

  And this had to be wired into this and then it took, this is the NASA shit. This is NASA shit right here.

• 1:09:54Tom Segura?

  This is what I want to ask you, though.

• 1:09:56Tom Segura?

  Then you go to the airport security, like, what the fuck is it?

• 1:09:58Tom Segura?

  What is this?

• 1:09:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:59Tom Segura?

  So this, you, you.

• 1:10:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, it's carrot top, it's okay. No, it's a bomb. No, it's carrot top, it's fine.

• 1:10:04Tom Segura?

  You came up with this, it works. Will you, like, like, cause it's new, new stuff's always fun, right? So like, will it be, you'll be like, I'll do this now for a few weeks and then decide whether I want to keep it? Or it'll always just kind of be around?

• 1:10:18Tom Segura?

  Oh, it, well, since it's working and it's, it'll be around for a bit. Yeah, it looks like it's a building. I used to do on the, when I did the road shows, I would have it called Carrot Classics, is exactly what it says in the lid there. It would be all my, uh. Classics, we've been doing it forty years. So people that would have seen me in the late eighties, you know, say, hey, here's some stuff, you know, that might, it's still relevant. And then people that are fifteen year olds would be like, oh, that's cool. It's just, you know, so that would be, or I'd do a new trunk. I have this, so this is all brand new and it's kind of fun because it really is new and the crowd will tell you if it sucks or not, pretty much.

• 1:10:54Tom Segura?

  Dude, how important is getting luggage to places for you?

• 1:10:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:10:59Tom Segura?

  It's a nightmare. Yeah. And I've lost it before, too.

• 1:11:03Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 1:11:03Tom Segura?

  I was, and this is great. I'm on an airplane leaving Charlotte, North Carolina. It's like six, five thirty in the morning. I was going to do Regis and it's live, you know, live with Regis, which I always thought was funny. Like, is that show live? It's fucking called live.

• 1:11:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:18Tom Segura?

  So I go and I said to them, like, please don't keep an eye on my luggage. It's like my, my, my whole thing.

• 1:11:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:26Tom Segura?

  Oh, we got it. I said, it's a, it's a trunk with flowers on it. You cannot miss it. Please make sure. And I'm all dead honest, I get on the plane and I'm, I'm still nervous. I got my little notebook and I'm just, and I'm just looking out. It's like raining. I just kind of look out the window. It's not even sunlight yet. And I see my trunk going on the belly of the plane next of our plane. And if I had to look, I just looked over and I was like, what the, and they're closing the door. I'm like, wait. And she's like, sir, I said, wait, wait. I said, my, the, my bag is going on the other plane.

• 1:11:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:11:59Tom Segura?

  And she's like, well, I, you know, all bags look alike. Are you sure it's yours? I said, it's either, it's either my trunk or Donnie Marie's fucking, you know, it's, it's sixties flower. It's, it's my trunk.

• 1:12:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:08Tom Segura?

  And so the pilot was nice enough to stop and they knew I was doing the show and they stopped. They got it back on and people were on the plane. They're all pissed. Sorry, waiting on car tops for our flower luggage. Sorry, everybody.

• 1:12:18Tom Segura?

  Have you ever? You caught that, though.

• 1:12:19Tom Segura?

  I caught it, yeah.

• 1:12:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you ever not had your bag of props?

• 1:12:23Tom Segura?

  Well, we had like a blizzard snow things one time where we got close, I think. But no, we've always, I think we always made it. Yeah. Because we would, these, back in the day, you know, I would fly, now we, we, we'd drive with it or ship it. We do road shows, it's on the bus, or on the, on the, you know, truck. So we have it all.

• 1:12:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you ever sold these gadgets? Like, do you ever?

• 1:12:45Tom Segura?

  No, but I've had some that I've been ripped off and, you know, stolen from me. And my friends are always like, didn't you do that? I'm like, yeah, like in eighty seven, I did this prop. And then, you know, it's a

• 1:12:55Tom Segura?

  And then some other comic?

• 1:12:56Tom Segura?

  No, not a comic, usually it's a company, like, right? You know, at the Home Depot, you can get

• 1:13:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:01Tom Segura?

  And one, and one in particular, I brought it because it was so, um, I was so proud of it and it wasn't a funny, the crowd would laugh, but it was more like, you know, the crowd would get in this reaction like, and said, and I said, right? But it was funny, I'll show you. So, and it's so elementary. It's like when I got my dad's and brain, toilet paper, right? A dispenser.

• 1:13:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:24Tom Segura?

  It's so, it's so, you'll, you'll be like, this is so weird. So, a lot of people like toilet paper under the roll.

• 1:13:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, right, that's a big debate.

• 1:13:31Tom Segura?

  And some people like it over the roll.

• 1:13:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:33Tom Segura?

  Right, and that's great, you start that with the crowd. How many people like it over the roll? Half the crowd, how many people like it under the roll? Ah, exactly, so that's why. I said, I made this toilet paper dispenser, so if you want it under, it goes under, right? And if you want it over, you just flip it.

• 1:13:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:13:47Tom Segura?

  And the crowd would go, and I go, right? And they would go, dude, and I'm like, yeah. And it was just, it was, but then you see a thing, I forget, one of my friends sent, it was a commercial, the guy's like, that's why I invented the toilet paper flipper. I said, even called it toilet paper flipper. That's some of them.

• 1:14:04Tom Segura?

  You should have fucking sued that guy.

• 1:14:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's such a good idea.

• 1:14:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, no, it is, I know. It has been, there's been a lot of them. I had a baseball bat during, wherever the strike was, the baseball strike, ninety four, maybe?

• 1:14:14Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 1:14:15Tom Segura?

  Where the baseball players were all on strike and nobody was getting hits. It was horrible. So I made a bat, when you'd swing it, it was a little piece of wood that had a hinge, and it would go, it'd make a pop. And it was so element, right? I said, this is a bat, so you feel like you're getting a hit. Or sound like you're, at least it sounds like this is getting hits. And Wham-O has a bat now where you swing it and it goes, you know.

• 1:14:36Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:14:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuckers.

• 1:14:38Tom Segura?

  I might sue Wham-O. They probably have one about that, toilet paper guy might not have, but, um.

• 1:14:43Tom Segura?

  But the Wham-O guys, they got something, they got something for you, yeah.

• 1:14:47Tom Segura?

  I think the statute of limitations, right? I mean, I did it in the eighties though, right?

• 1:14:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel like you could, single-handedly have like a Spencer's, remember that store?

• 1:14:56Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah, sure.

• 1:14:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Spencer's dude, you could open the Carrot Top store in Vegas, like at the fucking Luxor, bro? And just sell all this shit?

• 1:15:02Tom Segura?

  Uh, that's not a bad idea.

• 1:15:04Tom Segura?

  That's actually a very good idea.

• 1:15:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you, Blondie, every now and then.

• 1:15:07Tom Segura?

  Every now and then she comes up with something.

• 1:15:09Tom Segura?

  I like that.

• 1:15:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  You could sell all this shit.

• 1:15:11Tom Segura?

  You could, there's a lot of shit.

• 1:15:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would buy the stud.

• 1:15:13Tom Segura?

  The stud finder, right? Just for, just to have.

• 1:15:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's so funny.

• 1:15:16Tom Segura?

  Just to have, yeah.

• 1:15:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:15:19Tom Segura?

  Um, what's, this is for, uh, oh, Annie, here you go.

• 1:15:24Speaker 06

  I just got done vending over seven twinks in Brooklyn. Now, my go-to strat is when they see the bolts, they're just gonna come up to you and ask you for it. Um, these guys, you don't need to hold back because they are experienced bottoms. It's an amazing time, definitely be on prep though.

• 1:15:39Tom Segura?

  What the?

• 1:15:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why?

• 1:15:41Tom Segura?

  What was that?

• 1:15:42Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 1:15:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you think?

• 1:15:44Tom Segura?

  What does that even mean? I just got finished, finished banging seven twinks and they see the bulge and now I'm gonna get on prep?

• 1:15:49Tom Segura?

  But, but make sure you're, yeah, you're prepped, make sure you're clean and ready to go.

• 1:15:52Tom Segura?

  Or is he meaning to prep the prep?

• 1:15:54Tom Segura?

  The B-hole.

• 1:15:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hit, make sure your B-holes are ready for me. What do you think, Annie?

• 1:15:59Tom Segura?

  Uh, I think Carrot Top summed it up, what the fuck? Yeah, that, is that, was that, where does that, does that just come from a live thing?

• 1:16:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh no, it's the HIV prep.

• 1:16:09Tom Segura?

  That's what I said, prep.

• 1:16:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, sorry.

• 1:16:11Tom Segura?

  So it's probably the prep, and now I'm, I'm definitely gonna get on prep. Well, you better be now, if you just banged seven twinks.

• 1:16:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  I thought it just meant seven of yourself.

• 1:16:17Tom Segura?

  Seven's a lot, man, seven is.

• 1:16:18Tom Segura?

  I never even ate seven Twinkies before, right?

• 1:16:21Tom Segura?

  That's insane.

• 1:16:22Tom Segura?

  Jesus.

• 1:16:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:24Tom Segura?

  Your refractory period, I mean, what's going on with these guys?

• 1:16:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, but he's like twenty something, this kid.

• 1:16:29Tom Segura?

  He's ready to go.

• 1:16:29Tom Segura?

  Damn, go on.

• 1:16:32Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 1:16:40Tom Segura?

  Bottom, bottom.

• 1:16:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what's crazy? I would not have guessed any of those guys were gays.

• 1:16:47Tom Segura?

  Dude, imagine, imagine sharing that house for like a month.

• 1:16:51Tom Segura?

  That's like backstage at my, my show, isn't it? That's right before the show, my crew comes down.

• 1:16:55Tom Segura?

  You kiss them all? How big of a crew do you, if you do go do a road show, how big is that crew?

• 1:17:01Tom Segura?

  We got, well, like six or so, we got, yeah, video, sound.

• 1:17:04Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 1:17:05Tom Segura?

  Prop, main stage.

• 1:17:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  So much.

• 1:17:08Tom Segura?

  And is that like pretty much what's a Vegas crew too? Or is it much bigger?

• 1:17:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we have, we have my, my normal crew plus the union crew.

• 1:17:17Tom Segura?

  Oh, right.

• 1:17:17Tom Segura?

  So we got about 12, something like that.

• 1:17:20Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:17:20Tom Segura?

  Working.

• 1:17:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's great.

• 1:17:21Tom Segura?

  But there's a lot, there is, there's a lot, you know, there's more, there's production to the show. I mean, like, there's lights, there's strobe lights and fog machines and video wall. And so it's an interactive kind of, uh, thing. That's what's kind of hard when I go on the road too. It was, you know, a comic shows up, there's a mic there ready and a stool. And I'm like, shit, I gotta bring a semi full of shit.

• 1:17:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, that's a lot, man.

• 1:17:41Tom Segura?

  That's a lot.

• 1:17:42Tom Segura?

  That is a lot.

• 1:17:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I respect you so much, though. It's such like a, like you go for it. And I think there was a time in comedy where it was like, whatever, I don't care. I don't, I'm trying. It's like, well, then why are you doing this? You should try, you should try to be funny. That's the fucking point of the job.

• 1:17:59Tom Segura?

  I think that's part of the, yeah, try, I mean, at least try.

• 1:18:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Write a punchline.

• 1:18:02Tom Segura?

  We had some, I know, we, we had, and there was a couple of guys last night, you know, that, that show that, and it was kind of shocking because the, the ones that really were funny, how long you been doing it? And they said, you know, a year. And the ones that weren't funny, how long you been doing it? They's like, you know, seven years. I'm like, seven years? Fuck, you know, I think maybe you should stop. But you don't, you don't tell them that, you don't tell them that. But I mean, if you're seven years in, that's it, dude, you know?

• 1:18:31Tom Segura?

  I did it one time, I did the show one time where the guy came out and was like, you know, he had, there's a certain type of stage presence that somebody has.

• 1:18:38Tom Segura?

  Oh, automatically.

• 1:18:39Tom Segura?

  Right? And I was like, oh, this guy's got stage presence. And then his set went sideways and we're like, how long you been doing it? He was like, 15 years. We were like, you've been doing this 15 years? He was like, yeah. Bro, you gotta, you gotta focus.

• 1:18:54Tom Segura?

  You gotta, maybe, or just stop.

• 1:18:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, stop. So depressing.

• 1:18:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, oh, yeah, 15 years, yeah. And, yeah, right away, they have the present, and sometimes like the interviews went better than their set.

• 1:19:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:19:07Tom Segura?

  But they interview, they, they, they're really quick and savvy. That's good too, right?

• 1:19:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:11Tom Segura?

  Cause their set's good and their interview's not that good, it breaks up. But if they're both right, sometimes the kid last night was really good.

• 1:19:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you do for fun?

• 1:19:19Tom Segura?

  Me?

• 1:19:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, like, what's your hobby?

• 1:19:21Tom Segura?

  I fly to Austin and do Joe Rogan and you and Phil Tony.

• 1:19:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you do, like, during the day? All day, what are you doing?

• 1:19:29Tom Segura?

  I, I'm very boring. I get up and I water my, I have a courtyard and I water and blow all the leaves and water that get everything all pretty.

• 1:19:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you plant stuff? I'm a gardener. I'm into hydroponic gardening. I'm very interested in that.

• 1:19:41Tom Segura?

  I just do some, not too, too much. And then I'll go to lunch and that's usually when I kind of think of stuff. I don't, I don't write. I never sit down, I never bring a writing book.

• 1:19:50Tom Segura?

  You just kind of, your mind just goes.

• 1:19:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and if it's really good, I'll nap in or something somewhere, but I don't, I don't, I never, I never write, ever.

• 1:19:59Tom Segura?

  And that, is that pretty much daily where you're trying to like?

• 1:20:01Tom Segura?

  I don't force myself to, no, absolutely not. That's why I think it helps to, I have friends that always, they're, they're great comics too, but they'll say, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm writing all weekend. And I'm like, oh, like for a sitcom, like, no, just writing. I'm like, I don't, I don't ever sit down and write, cause forcing myself has got to just come. And most of the time it happens socially, you know?

• 1:20:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:23Tom Segura?

  Flying here yesterday, um, the guy next to me, and now this is just, it turns into a joke, but I didn't write it. It just happened. The guy next to me said, um, I don't want to bother you, they always say that, so you're not bothering me. Um, he says, you and I have something in common. And I'm this old guy, I said, oh, what are we, I'm thinking, you know, we both have some NASA related something.

• 1:20:46Tom Segura?

  I said, oh, what do we have in common? He says, both sixty-five. And I said, sixty-five? I said, I'm not sixty-five. He goes, oh, no, no, I'm sorry. I, I, I'm born in. I said, well, born in is different than, you're born in sixty-five.

• 1:20:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:00Tom Segura?

  You started with that. Oh, that's good. We do have something in common.

• 1:21:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:03Tom Segura?

  Dumb fuck.

• 1:21:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you stupid prick.

• 1:21:05Tom Segura?

  So then I just said, this stupid prick. So I, I said that. He said, oh, is that going on your show? I said, yeah. Oh, no. I'm not gonna say who it is. I said, no, I'm just gonna picture real quick. This is a fuckhead.

• 1:21:14Tom Segura?

  Say who it is.

• 1:21:15Tom Segura?

  Who the fuck knows? No, here's the guy. I mean, smile. And this is the dumb shit, you know?

• 1:21:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:18Tom Segura?

  A lot of things happen, just, you know, and probably you guys too. When you, you don't force to write a joke. Sometimes it just, a behavioral thing happens.

• 1:21:27Tom Segura?

  So much of it comes from that.

• 1:21:28Tom Segura?

  On a plane, uh, last weekend, I was going to Florida and I, and, and went up to the guy, can we get a picture of the flight attendants? Before we land? I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I, I get up to go and they're like, oh, wait, wait, let me get ready. And they were like powder their nose and I said, no, I'm just gonna go, I'm just gonna go smoke a cigarette, I'll be right back. And they just lost it. They just thought it was the funniest thing ever. I said, I'm just gonna go smoke a cigarette, I'll be right back. Like, you can't smoke in the bed. You can't? I'm like, no, just fuck them. But that, that can be a bit, just by, by, by doing it and stupidly. And then, they were like, you can't smoke. I mean, I've been on planes where they do that.

• 1:22:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're such an entertainer. I really, I respect that so much.

• 1:22:06Tom Segura?

  Oh, thank you.

• 1:22:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  My, yeah, like my hero, I love Phyllis Diller.

• 1:22:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:22:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you ever get to meet her?

• 1:22:11Tom Segura?

  I did. You know what's strange? I played, I was going to Florida Atlantic University.

• 1:22:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I've done that.

• 1:22:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah. That's why I went to school.

• 1:22:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:20Tom Segura?

  And Boca Raton, right? I mean, you're, you're a broke college kid and they have valet parking at Publix.

• 1:22:25Tom Segura?

  And they have a bunch of aeronautical stuff there, right?

• 1:22:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:30Tom Segura?

  I'm at FAU and I'm, they had, uh, Phyllis Diller came to, to our school to perform. And I was blown away. It was, uh, she just... Crazy good and someone that she was they had the old and they had the old limo.

• 1:22:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:46Tom Segura?

  And like a big old, old, you know, seventies limo. They had she was they're walking her out and the guy that Union built said, hey, this is our resident comic. And I'm like, what? I had done comedy twice on that, on the comedy. I'm not a comic yet. You know, I'm up there doing George Carlin's jokes and I'm not doing jokes of my own. Anyway, she says, oh, and she's got her big wig and her cigarette and it was pouring down rain. She goes, get in and she I go in the limo with her and they closed, they closed the door. And she's like, oh, that she's just, it's just amazingly like, do you well, tell me your best joke. And I said, oh, fuck, right. So I'm like, uh, well, I don't really have,

• 1:23:29Tom Segura?

  whatever. I said, I have this one joke where I come out. I had a, I had a, my hair was even bigger out here. And I would come out with a red wig on and it was a carrot top and I'd come out with a wig on and everybody's like, ah. And then I would take it off and it was the same hair.

• 1:23:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:45Tom Segura?

  And right when I said that to her, I said, well, I have this joke because I said, I take, I have a wig. I come on to like, you know, and I come out and I pull it off and the same hair is there. She goes, that is so funny. And she, she takes her wig. She goes, you know what? And she takes her wig off. She's like, I'm, I'm, I'm fucking stealing that from you. Yeah. I said, please do, right? Please do. And yeah, she just was her long cigarette. She and it was, I just couldn't believe it. And in a limo with, with Phyllis Diller, I was writing her a joke.

• 1:24:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, she, so she gave me notes on my act when I was a new comic and it changed my life and she changed me forever. But what she said to me was, I was really interesting. You say that because she goes, Christina, your hello is everything. For instance, I go out there and I go, shocking, isn't it? And because she had that big wig, but that's so important. Your hello. And if that's your first joke, a visual gag, she must have died. She must have loved that with you.

• 1:24:40Tom Segura?

  Well, she said she's stealing it. She goes, I'm taking that.

• 1:24:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Brilliant.

• 1:24:44Tom Segura?

  I said, "You can, please do. I'd be honored. I'd be thrilled to death." Yeah.

• 1:24:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's a class act, too.

• 1:24:49Tom Segura?

  Class, class. I mean, so clever. My god. You still watch the clips of her on Instagram?

• 1:24:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  All the time!

• 1:24:55Tom Segura?

  It's timeless, you know?

• 1:24:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I own things of her. Oh, Joan Rivers was another legend.

• 1:24:59Tom Segura?

  Just incredibly funny. My god. Incredibly funny.

• 1:25:02Tom Segura?

  Um, I want to show you some of our props and see if anything...

• 1:25:05Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:25:05Tom Segura?

  Um, while I grab this, here, I'll just... Somebody, another prop guy was sending a video.

• 1:25:11Speaker 05

  Hi there. Uh, my name's Pete, and today I'm going to be demonstrating a new toy that I got. And the cool thing about it is it incorporates a power drill.

• 1:25:22Tom Segura?

  Oh, god.

• 1:25:23Speaker 05

  And a fleshlight. And your hard dick.

• 1:25:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool. Right? Are you following so far?

• 1:25:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so far. I think I know.

• 1:25:31Speaker 05

  Use the cordless.

• 1:25:38Tom Segura?

  I think you can get that at the Home Depot, by the way.

• 1:25:40Speaker 05

  It's pretty amazing. Wow.

• 1:25:42Tom Segura?

  What the...

• 1:25:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just consider this for your closer.

• 1:25:48Tom Segura?

  Dude, this would be rad.

• 1:25:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not a lot you could do after this one, though.

• 1:25:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you gotta...

• 1:25:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta finish.

• 1:25:53Tom Segura?

  You kinda have to close on that one.

• 1:25:54Speaker 05

  And I just had a really good time.

• 1:25:58Tom Segura?

  That's Uncle Terry.

• 1:25:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's filled with fucking cum.

• 1:26:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. Dude, imagine...

• 1:26:03Tom Segura?

  That's what it should be done. He gets done, he goes, "And that's how I start my boarding."

• 1:26:08Tom Segura?

  Dude, imagine closing...

• 1:26:09Tom Segura?

  Protein, protein, a protein shake. My own protein shake.

• 1:26:13Tom Segura?

  So fantastic. Okay.

• 1:26:14Tom Segura?

  Oh, what do you got here? Oh, my goodness.

• 1:26:16Tom Segura?

  We got some stuff.

• 1:26:17Tom Segura?

  All right. I'm already... Oh, shit, we need that guy.

• 1:26:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know, right?

• 1:26:26Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 1:26:27Tom Segura?

  Oh, you don't know what these are?

• 1:26:28Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah. I mean, that's definitely...

• 1:26:30Tom Segura?

  This is something you can...

• 1:26:31Tom Segura?

  A fun mask.

• 1:26:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're blowing some guy behind a dumpster on Sixth Street.

• 1:26:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, seven twink, and put a mask on one of them.

• 1:26:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah. This, I guess, is a beer bong, right?

• 1:26:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:26:41Tom Segura?

  It's a beer bong.

• 1:26:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why did we use that one?

• 1:26:42Tom Segura?

  Or like an anal funnel? I don't remember.

• 1:26:45Tom Segura?

  I hope not. I'm hoping it's a beer bong. Let's see, it could be some... You could come up with some... thing. Oh, there is another, oh, this is why you're searching for your... This is one that we had planned for... Is this all your shit or someone gave you this shit?

• 1:27:06Tom Segura?

  I mean...

• 1:27:06Tom Segura?

  Is this your five minutes?

• 1:27:07Tom Segura?

  This is how I opened the show.

• 1:27:09Tom Segura?

  This is your five-minute opening?

• 1:27:10Tom Segura?

  Yes. What is that?

• 1:27:13Tom Segura?

  These are going in my trunk.

• 1:27:14Tom Segura?

  Keep it. Anything you want is yours.

• 1:27:15Tom Segura?

  Little black dicks. Can't have a... Oh, this reminds me of one that I had. A lot of cock. This is one that I just told this story last night. I was on The Tonight Show and I had a... You kind of go back to how long ago it was when gay marriage was legal in like four states.

• 1:27:31Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:27:32Tom Segura?

  So I thought, oh, it's a fun way to present it. So I had a map of the United States. And where every state that was legal marriage, I had a little... It was penises on springs. We'd go like, you know, he hold it up and I go, here's the four states so people know that gay marriage is legal. So The Tonight Show people like, well, you can't, you know, it kills in rehearsal, sound check, da-da-da. And the lady from stand-up to practice, we always hated him, loved me but hated me. She walked over and she's like, "Scott, what? You can't do..." I said, "They're in springs. They're not real dicks. They're like, they're cute. They're little, they're like little cocks in springs. Come on, NBC. Come on, nobody cares." So they're like, "No, you can't do that." So I said, "Okay, can I come up with another idea?"

• 1:28:12Tom Segura?

  So I went and I got the prop department, cut out pictures of Ryan Seacrest's face and I put them on all the four states. And now it made even worse because Jay's like, "He's a good friend of mine. I can't do that. You know, can't make fun of Ronnie Ryan. It's not gay." I said, "No, no one thinks it's a joke. It'll get a laugh, you know, you can't..." Or I put Elton John, is that better? Put Elton John, but then it's not funny. You're picking on someone that's not...

• 1:28:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:31Tom Segura?

  So...

• 1:28:32Tom Segura?

  What are you doing?

• 1:28:33Tom Segura?

  I know, I'm not doing the...

• 1:28:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You didn't do the bit?

• 1:28:36Tom Segura?

  They wouldn't let me do it with Ryan. So then I thought, it's not funny if I put like Elton because then it doesn't make it...

• 1:28:41Tom Segura?

  Right, no.

• 1:28:42Tom Segura?

  It's gotta have something else.

• 1:28:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:44Tom Segura?

  It's gotta have this.

• 1:28:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, so do you recognize literally all these, like, is this just... Is this boring for you? Because you've seen all these things a million times.

• 1:28:52Tom Segura?

  What, these things?

• 1:28:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  These objects. Yeah, like you've seen everything at this point, right?

• 1:28:56Tom Segura?

  I've never seen that one day.

• 1:29:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  What about that, that type of dick? Is that like a strap on dick? What, why does it have a loop in it? Or why is there a loop in that?

• 1:29:08Tom Segura?

  Your balls go in there.

• 1:29:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:29:10Tom Segura?

  So it's like a cock ring.

• 1:29:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:29:13Tom Segura?

  But it would make no sense to have that end, because your dick would be a dick and another dick. Makes no sense. So whoever invented that, I'm not quite sure whether it's for.

• 1:29:21Tom Segura?

  You want the homewrecker?

• 1:29:22Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:29:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you go.

• 1:29:23Tom Segura?

  Finally, something in my color.

• 1:29:28Tom Segura?

  Oh, there is a homewrecker. That was good. You know, there was a, there's a TikTok that everyone in the world has sent me because it talks about gingers. And.

• 1:29:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  We were just gonna bring that up.

• 1:29:41Tom Segura?

  That is literally on the tip of my tongue.

• 1:29:42Tom Segura?

  Oh, did it say that one?

• 1:29:43Tom Segura?

  Well, no, I wanted to ask. Okay, tell, tell.

• 1:29:45Tom Segura?

  Well, no, I just say in the show, I said, you know, people love TikTok. This is the most trending TikTok. Roll it and they roll it and you've seen it, which every ginger has black. If you're.

• 1:29:53Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:29:54Tom Segura?

  If you're red hair and you have, you're black.

• 1:29:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:57Tom Segura?

  And they always, the crowd always laughs. I just kind of look at the crowd like. And I looked down, I said, I, you know, for years I would always ask my mom, why do I have a big black dick? She says, you're blessed. And it becomes a callback throughout the whole show.

• 1:30:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's great.

• 1:30:10Tom Segura?

  And my big, big dick and my big, so when you said it, then I got my big, big dick.

• 1:30:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love that.

• 1:30:13Tom Segura?

  This was our question because we have a, a comic friend who one time, a redhead guy, and he was like, somebody called me a fucking ginger.

• 1:30:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:22Tom Segura?

  And we were like, okay. He was like, yeah, that's like calling me a fucking homo. And I was like, wait, what? And he was like, yeah, that's super insulting. I was like, I thought that's just a.

• 1:30:33Tom Segura?

  I'm, I have to be absolutely honest. I don't like the word ginger either.

• 1:30:36Tom Segura?

  Tell, but tell me.

• 1:30:37Tom Segura?

  I don't know why. It's just, I would say, oh, you're redhead or you're this, but ginger.

• 1:30:41Tom Segura?

  Is it pejorative?

• 1:30:42Tom Segura?

  No, it just says you're ginger. I don't know. And then they, they, one of those cartoons did it, which was great. The, the gingers are, it was South Park or one of those.

• 1:30:50Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 1:30:51Tom Segura?

  Forgot what, what the joke, but I just don't like the word ginger either. Yeah.

• 1:30:54Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:30:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe because it's all British and gay sounding?

• 1:30:58Tom Segura?

  I don't know. I have no problem with that. Yeah.

• 1:31:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, like it's so.

• 1:31:02Tom Segura?

  I think British is actually fine with me or, or, yeah.

• 1:31:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's a Brit thing, though, right?

• 1:31:06Tom Segura?

  I don't know, but just, yeah, ginger, ginger.

• 1:31:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking ginger.

• 1:31:09Tom Segura?

  I just never, I don't think it was around when I was, you know, when I grew up, no one called me ginger.

• 1:31:14Tom Segura?

  Oh, so it kind of evolved into something.

• 1:31:15Tom Segura?

  Into something. They came up with ginger somehow, but I'm, I'm not a fan of the word ginger. And I don't get offended by it though.

• 1:31:20Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:31:20Tom Segura?

  Is this, it's got something else in it. This comes off too.

• 1:31:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so interesting.

• 1:31:24Tom Segura?

  What is that?

• 1:31:25Tom Segura?

  I don't know. This one's interesting looking.

• 1:31:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I don't like that at all. That is horrifying.

• 1:31:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  What the hell?

• 1:31:31Tom Segura?

  This whole table looks horrifying.

• 1:31:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:31:33Tom Segura?

  People just would walk in like, "What the fuck have you guys been doing?"

• 1:31:35Tom Segura?

  That right there, I feel like there's something to do with that.

• 1:31:38Tom Segura?

  Well, I have something similar with a head. Hold on.

• 1:31:40Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:31:40Tom Segura?

  But it's not, it's more cute, if I can find it. Now, this one was, oh, this one was killed last night. It says, "The new Cowboys helmets."

• 1:31:51Tom Segura?

  But it's only for, you know, it's topical for tonight.

• 1:31:54Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 1:31:55Tom Segura?

  In Dallas, why not fuck with the home team?

• 1:31:57Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 1:31:58Tom Segura?

  But there was one that I did that we bought was a baby.

• 1:32:02Tom Segura?

  Oh, these were, these were pretty cool. These are clever. These are boots that I made where the soles are reversed, so you can't trace their steps.

• 1:32:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, brilliant!

• 1:32:11Tom Segura?

  This was an OJ joke.

• 1:32:12Tom Segura?

  Fuck, yeah.

• 1:32:14Tom Segura?

  It was. I said, "This is a, I made boots for OJ who was wearing these, so they were going the wrong, where'd he go? He went that way."

• 1:32:19Tom Segura?

  That's great. Bundy would have had so many more under his belt if he had those, you know?

• 1:32:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  True story, yeah. Is that how they got him?

• 1:32:25Tom Segura?

  No, but I know those guys think about that.

• 1:32:30Tom Segura?

  No, it's a horrible dirty baby. This is a really poor, really old baby. I'm sorry, I'm, ah, time to change you. So, um, when people breastfeed, right?

• 1:32:41Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 1:32:41Tom Segura?

  In public, people get upset when people are breastfeeding in public. So I thought, "You should just have, you make this to put over the baby's head, so it looks like you're just holding, you're just holding the baby."

• 1:32:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is horrifying.

• 1:32:52Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 1:32:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that is.

• 1:32:54Tom Segura?

  Like, "What's going on?" "Nothing, just hanging out."

• 1:32:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, my favorite would be if that's your only, like, if you were just like, "I have one joke," and you did that, it would scare so many people.

• 1:33:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:06Tom Segura?

  They'd be like, "This guy's totally unstable."

• 1:33:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is the filthiness of the babies that really scares me.

• 1:33:12Tom Segura?

  That's really gross. I didn't realize it till now. They wouldn't have as good lighting at the Luxo than you have.

• 1:33:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's real serial killer, yeah.

• 1:33:18Tom Segura?

  Your lighting is bad.

• 1:33:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I don't.

• 1:33:21Tom Segura?

  I'm looking for something, though.

• 1:33:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna puke, dude.

• 1:33:23Tom Segura?

  This is just, this is just like, you're just, you're a home feed. This is what you watch every day.

• 1:33:27Tom Segura?

  This is kind of what we do.

• 1:33:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  We haven't watched this in years.

• 1:33:32Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 1:33:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I forgot how, ah...

• 1:33:33Tom Segura?

  But he's, he's trying, damn it.

• 1:33:40Tom Segura?

  What is he doing? What if he's not doing anything horrible? What if he's like trying to change the, you know? He's trying to screw something on out.

• 1:33:51Tom Segura?

  Trying to put the hose.

• 1:33:52Tom Segura?

  Damn it.

• 1:33:53Tom Segura?

  Damn it.

• 1:33:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you know what's interesting now that I didn't think about 10 years ago?

• 1:33:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  He could have just made a new tape.

• 1:34:00Tom Segura?

  He could have.

• 1:34:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn, he didn't have to air this version.

• 1:34:03Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:34:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  He could have waited.

• 1:34:04Tom Segura?

  He could have done.

• 1:34:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do it, do over.

• 1:34:07Tom Segura?

  Again, going back to you, try.

• 1:34:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  You just try, bro. Don't be lazy.

• 1:34:10Tom Segura?

  Just film another, you know what I mean? Like just regroup and film it again.

• 1:34:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 1:34:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Give yourself some time.

• 1:34:17Tom Segura?

  Well, I came, I gotta post it.

• 1:34:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I gotta post it straight away.

• 1:34:20Tom Segura?

  This is an old one.

• 1:34:21Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:34:21Tom Segura?

  Okay, this is, um, but clever, right? It's a, it, well, let me, let me be the judge of that, right? It's, um, when you hang a picture, I keep looking at all the pictures in here, right? They're never, yours are great, you, they're all straight. But I made a picture frame that was made out of levels, so it's always straight.

• 1:34:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:34:38Tom Segura?

  That grace of the picture goes in here, you put it on the wall, it's always straight.

• 1:34:41Tom Segura?

  Dude, that's another one that you gotta fucking copyright this shit.

• 1:34:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta sell that. You know why? That, that's like everybody's joke.

• 1:34:48Tom Segura?

  Then this is a fucking joke, you just made me think.

• 1:34:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Construction friend.

• 1:34:51Tom Segura?

  You put a picture of Elton John on it and you said, and this one's never straight. We just wrote it right here, baby.

• 1:34:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's good.

• 1:34:58Tom Segura?

  Now you have this one, it's never straight.

• 1:35:01Tom Segura?

  Perfect.

• 1:35:03Tom Segura?

  Okay, so do you want to show him some of your talks?

• 1:35:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, speaking of TikTok, I, I mean, I curate them, but I also, I like to showcase the marginalized communities. I don't, uh, I like to give a voice to those that are underrepresented.

• 1:35:16Tom Segura?

  Okay, so she selected these, just so you know.

• 1:35:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, don't blame this on me.

• 1:35:21Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:35:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Trans people belong here. We need trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong here. We need trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong here. We need trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong here. We need trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong here. We need trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong here.

• 1:35:45Tom Segura?

  I mean, I'll tell you this, the message isn't wrong. I do feel like no one's.

• 1:35:49Tom Segura?

  Then the taxi pulls up, like, we need trans people.

• 1:35:52Tom Segura?

  I do think no one's catching on to the song, though.

• 1:35:54Tom Segura?

  No, I think it was really, really was catchy.

• 1:35:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know why? But you had the intuition to add a beat.

• 1:36:01Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:36:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  And had she had a friend who was like, and then if she looked around, she was like, "Trans people belong here."

• 1:36:07Tom Segura?

  And then the cymbals come in, the cowbell in the dome, and then it's a hit.

• 1:36:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:11Tom Segura?

  It's a hit.

• 1:36:11Tom Segura?

  I'm gonna scroll forward thirty seconds and see what happens.

• 1:36:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alright, go ahead.

• 1:36:19Tom Segura?

  Okay, it keeps going.

• 1:36:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  It just keeps going.

• 1:36:21Tom Segura?

  Alright.

• 1:36:22Tom Segura?

  But there are any people out there.

• 1:36:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:36:24Tom Segura?

  This feels like it's in your wheelhouse. What is she doing?

• 1:36:27Tom Segura?

  Oh my god, hold on.

• 1:36:28Tom Segura?

  She just came up with something.

• 1:36:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, trying these airplane seat dividers so you don't have to. That's the caption for people.

• 1:36:33Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:36:34Speaker 05

  I saw these airplane sneeze guards on Amazon, so I have to check them out.

• 1:36:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  What a cunt.

• 1:36:39Speaker 05

  There's a few, in case you're in the middle.

• 1:36:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck right off.

• 1:36:41Speaker 05

  These people have bags, which are pretty packable. And then...

• 1:36:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like you.

• 1:36:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, what the fu- imagine sitting next to that?

• 1:36:48Tom Segura?

  Dude.

• 1:36:48Tom Segura?

  Would you imagine that? You're like, "Could you take your fucking plastic..."

• 1:36:52Tom Segura?

  You would lose your mind. Have you said, "What the fuck has happened?"

• 1:36:55Tom Segura?

  No, they would be on the headlines. "A carrot top kills somebody on a plane." I'm all over the news.

• 1:37:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I feel like you could have improved on this.

• 1:37:05Tom Segura?

  I do too.

• 1:37:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yours would have been way better than this.

• 1:37:07Tom Segura?

  It has to be something that would be not obstrusive to the other people, right? I used to have a, literally, a head- this is how old I remember the goddamn joke. But it was a lot of airplane ones. People would always say, "Hey, you could be on your phone, right? You could be whatever, on the talk, texting, and people were just, 'Excuse me,' and you're like, "I'm fucking..." So I would have a headphone that had a hand that would go like this. Fuck off. So right, they start talking, I'd just hit the button, and it'd be like, you know, "Fuck you." Or another one that said something, it would flip down, but that's, yeah, it's a little stupid. You gotta well-think. And then the airline wouldn't let you use those. They'd say, "Ma'am, you can't, you gotta take that down."

• 1:37:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, fucking bitch.

• 1:37:46Tom Segura?

  Using your word. "Excuse me, cunt, you can't, you can't..."

• 1:37:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, could you imagine if some fucking bitch did this to you?

• 1:37:53Tom Segura?

  I do feel like the, not for sneezing, but like to avoid conversations. I just always put earbuds in, always.

• 1:38:00Tom Segura?

  They still go like this.

• 1:38:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they do. I just, I'm always like, huh?

• 1:38:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's got the point, that it needs to be like hands, so that people see that.

• 1:38:07Tom Segura?

  Like a shade that went down on my hat.

• 1:38:08Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:38:09Tom Segura?

  It was built in, it would go...

• 1:38:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Brilliant.

• 1:38:11Tom Segura?

  That's great.

• 1:38:12Tom Segura?

  So just like, something like, we go...

• 1:38:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Blinders.

• 1:38:14Tom Segura?

  I could just not talk. Blinders.

• 1:38:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like a horse.

• 1:38:16Tom Segura?

  Like horse blinders, exactly what the...

• 1:38:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like peachy folders.

• 1:38:18Tom Segura?

  It had movement, so I'd talk, and I said, "Okay, mm..."

• 1:38:21Tom Segura?

  This chicken, look how long, imagine setting this up.

• 1:38:24Tom Segura?

  That was a new one, that's Travis, Travis Kelsey's playbook, right?

• 1:38:28Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 1:38:28Tom Segura?

  And this is, this is their, their prenup. So it's like.

• 1:38:33Tom Segura?

  That's funny dude.

• 1:38:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Brilliant.

• 1:38:35Tom Segura?

  It's just, it's just.

• 1:38:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Brilliant.

• 1:38:36Tom Segura?

  I bet it does look like the fucking phone book.

• 1:38:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hope so.

• 1:38:39Tom Segura?

  Wait, we got one since we were talking about trans people. Oh shit.

• 1:38:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, she's got way more scratch.

• 1:38:43Tom Segura?

  This is a coffee cup for lesbians.

• 1:38:48Tom Segura?

  How are you? Good morning. Barbara, how are you? Good, good. I looked at, I looked at the numbers this morning.

• 1:38:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love it. I love you. God bless you. You're just a hero.

• 1:38:59Tom Segura?

  Okay, well now I don't have an armrest.

• 1:39:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, see you stupid bitch.

• 1:39:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stupid, selfish twat.

• 1:39:05Tom Segura?

  Oh, see what hath meant to be.

• 1:39:10Tom Segura?

  Well, dangerous in the skies. After your mouth stops bleeding, you adjust the buckle. Okay. I can't, I can't even finish.

• 1:39:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's unbearable. It's unbearable.

• 1:39:19Tom Segura?

  I would just make, I would give her a, like a, like build a, a box for her.

• 1:39:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:24Tom Segura?

  You just put the whole box over her. That's great, right? Not even, not even holes for her to breathe. Just, just a box.

• 1:39:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Plastic.

• 1:39:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, no, clear. You could just see her.

• 1:39:32Tom Segura?

  Let's also point out the fact that, you know, she's like, I don't have my armrest anymore. Yet neither does the person sitting next to you. Now they don't get to use the armrest.

• 1:39:39Tom Segura?

  I had an old prop, it was an actual armrest from an airline that, um, I was going through a junkyard and I said, this is an airplane armrest, like one of the armrests. It had, it had whatever, it had the ashtray.

• 1:39:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's a lot worse.

• 1:39:53Tom Segura?

  And I used to do that prop. I say, um, you're on an airplane, you don't get your, you have an armrest? Bring your own armrest. And I used to stick it in like I had it. I said, no, you can have that. I brought my own. And it was just so, because it was real. And then I put, I remember it would have something, music that would go to it too. Like I'm, I'm, it was a really clever prop and it had like a sound thing built into it. So I could bring my own music and it'd go, I'm, you can have that one. I got my own.

• 1:40:18Tom Segura?

  I got mine. That's cool.

• 1:40:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I love that.

• 1:40:20Tom Segura?

  Clever.

• 1:40:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, remember these? Those are good ones.

• 1:40:31Speaker 02

  There was a very loud bang on the door. He went out and then I kind of peeked out the window, saw him talking to a sheriff and I didn't think anything of it. And then he came back in a few minutes later, kind of smiling a little bit and I was like, what's going on? He goes, it's Simon.

• 1:40:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Simon.

• 1:40:51Tom Segura?

  This might be your best forever.

• 1:40:53Tom Segura?

  Simon, and Simon.

• 1:40:54Tom Segura?

  Someone was like, there's somebody dying next door.

• 1:40:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I like how they edited it.

• 1:40:59Speaker 02

  I don't know how to make it go be quiet, so.

• 1:41:03Tom Segura?

  That does sound like someone's being murdered.

• 1:41:08Tom Segura?

  That's great, dude.

• 1:41:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Simon.

• 1:41:10Tom Segura?

  That's just a good sound effect to have anywhere, right? When you go to open your car instead of beep beep.

• 1:41:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, that would actually stop somebody from doing something.

• 1:41:19Tom Segura?

  Or about your phone ringer, that would be a great notification. You got a text?

• 1:41:24Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ, I'm sorry, I got it. Hey mom?

• 1:41:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Simon.

• 1:41:31Tom Segura?

  Simon.

• 1:41:31Speaker 02

  You should date me because I'm so far out of your league, you would be lucky to date me. Hi, I'm Elizabeth, call me Beth only. What kind of man am I looking for? I really don't know, hopefully a good one. I have never been in love with anybody before. I don't even love my parents or any of my siblings. But every guy I've ever dated has been madly in love with me. And you will be in love with me too.

• 1:42:00Tom Segura?

  Unless you call me Elizabeth and I'll fucking kill you. You just call me Beth.

• 1:42:03Speaker 02

  Go to a restaurant, get me drunk.

• 1:42:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:06Speaker 02

  You can see if you could keep up. I do smoke cigarettes, yeah, but I don't care if you smoke cigarettes. The key to a good relationship with me is giving me space. I have a lot of pet peeves, but my biggest one is leaving wet towels on the ground.

• 1:42:25Tom Segura?

  I don't believe in soulmates. I don't really think all. This video is birth control.

• 1:42:29Tom Segura?

  This is unbelievable.

• 1:42:30Tom Segura?

  This makes me not wanna ever fuck anyone ever again.

• 1:42:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I say something? I'm enraptured. I'd date her.

• 1:42:36Tom Segura?

  You like her?

• 1:42:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think she's fantastic. No, I do like her sense of style. You know, a little arrogant, maybe?

• 1:42:43Tom Segura?

  I like the craziness.

• 1:42:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Is that what you're into?

• 1:42:45Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:42:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't like craziness?

• 1:42:47Tom Segura?

  No, no crazy, no crazy.

• 1:42:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  You like, like morals?

• 1:42:51Tom Segura?

  No talking, no talking. Yeah, actually, not even having a mouth would be great. Just this, just fucking nothing. No expression, not even a mouth, just fucking, that's what, that'd be the perfect date. Maybe put women hair on it, put some girl, put some girlish in it.

• 1:43:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 1:43:07Tom Segura?

  You sit there dinner, they don't say a fucking thing.

• 1:43:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. What kind of ladies are you into?

• 1:43:12Tom Segura?

  Once in a while, you just fucking shut.

• 1:43:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  There we go. It's about right.

• 1:43:16Tom Segura?

  Eat your goddamn fucking dessert.

• 1:43:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  There we go. There's the dark side.

• 1:43:19Tom Segura?

  Amen, brother. That's what we're all looking for. That's fucking exactly right.

• 1:43:23Tom Segura?

  This is a purse for women, but they have a restraining order against a guy that can show exactly how far. How far I just keep away.

• 1:43:30Tom Segura?

  That's fucking great, too.

• 1:43:32Tom Segura?

  See, that's where, an example of one that like, I don't know how, I thought of the joke.

• 1:43:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:38Tom Segura?

  Before, you know, someone said a restraint, I think there's a restraining order on anybody, and how far you, how far are you supposed to be away? And then I thought, oh, tape measure, maybe.

• 1:43:47Tom Segura?

  That's so funny.

• 1:43:47Tom Segura?

  And then I thought, oh, I want a purse. So I found the perfect purse, it fits right in there.

• 1:43:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  God damn.

• 1:43:52Tom Segura?

  But that would be one that, I don't really know how the brain went to, I just thought of the idea first on that one, not like the toilet.

• 1:44:00Tom Segura?

  That's also totally evergreen. That could, you could do that in 30 years.

• 1:44:04Tom Segura?

  Oh, right, right, yeah, timeless is great. I always, that's a lot of the comics that I admired, like George Carlin, Joan Rivers, we talk, anybody, if you go back and you can watch them, we're talking about Richard Pirlo, it's like. You watch him back forty years, fifty years ago, a special, it's still fucking relevant. Eddie Murphy's Delirium, it's still.

• 1:44:23Tom Segura?

  Did you have a relationship with Carlin? Did you know him?

• 1:44:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:26Tom Segura?

  How was that?

• 1:44:26Tom Segura?

  It was unbelievable. I mean, it was nerve wracking because, you know, it's.

• 1:44:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:32Tom Segura?

  You never just sit, you're talking to George Carlin, you're like, holy shit, I'm talking to George Carlin.

• 1:44:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:36Tom Segura?

  And he was wonderful and he loved my act, which is, which, which really, really kind of what got me through a lot of the rough patches when people were really rifling at me.

• 1:44:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:49Tom Segura?

  I would see, you know, my mom would say when I was a kid, I got picked on, you know, because I had a big black dick.

• 1:44:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:55Tom Segura?

  She would say, she would say like, you know, I got picked on again. She's like, who, who picked on you? I said, you know what, Tommy? She's like, consider the source, okay?

• 1:45:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:02Tom Segura?

  He's, he's an asshole, Tommy. He's, he's an asshole every day to you. So I would think that with, with comics, when they would give me a hard time, I'd be like, but George Carlin liked me.

• 1:45:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:11Tom Segura?

  So you had to find.

• 1:45:12Tom Segura?

  Who the fuck are you?

• 1:45:13Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:45:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:14Tom Segura?

  So you'd find that moment where you're like, you know, a guy, a guy on YouTube or some, whatever the fuck, an internet back in the day. You know, Carrot Top, Hacks, Piece of Shit, whatever.

• 1:45:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:23Tom Segura?

  I would say George Carlin liked it. He would, he would die. He would, he would, and he would knew, he knew the act, which was weird. Like he watched me on, on, on the, the shows.

• 1:45:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:33Tom Segura?

  When I, when I met him, I said, I don't want to bother you. He's, you're not bothering, I said, I'm a comic. He goes, you're a carrot job. And I remember thinking, holy shit, he knew me. He says, God, you're great. And I just was, I was in an airport in Philadelphia and I didn't, I just was like, oh my God, that's, thank you. And he said, uh, the cup joke, that's fucking brilliant, right? And I'm like, my cup joke? He says, how'd he come? And I thought, oh, oh, the, and it was, it was clever. It was a, it was a telephone, you know, the cups and string.

• 1:46:02Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:46:03Tom Segura?

  Cup with a string and a cup, right? Hey, what's going on? You see it? I was watching a cartoon and they had that in the, in the cartoon. It was like, hey, what's going on, Timmy? And he was in a tree, talking to a kid on a fort in another tree. And I was watching the cartoon and I thought, there should be an updated version of that cup. And it's a, the new telephone, has call waiting. So I had a cup that came out of the other cup for call waiting. So you'd say, you say, hey, what's going on? I'll, I have to, I have to call you back. Hey, what's up? It's call waiting. And another cup would come out. So it was, then I had three cups came out for conference calling.

• 1:46:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my.

• 1:46:35Tom Segura?

  And then it became a bit, right? Then it became like, and then a clear cup for caller ID. I know it's you, pick up. And he was like, how the fuck did you come up with that bit? And I'm like, well, how did you come up with stuff?

• 1:46:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:46Tom Segura?

  Bit.

• 1:46:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:47Tom Segura?

  He's like, yeah. Our brains think differently. But he was like, that's fucking brilliant. He was just, I had a party favor that had it for asthma people. It was an asthma thing, but had a woo. So people with asthma could celebrate on New Year's Eve. And he was just like, that's fuck. He just, he was, you know how he would just be like, that's fucking great. How do you fucking have an, he's got a goddamn asthma thing with it? So he was great.

• 1:47:10Tom Segura?

  That's awesome. Now, did you pick up on like?

• 1:47:12Tom Segura?

  And I also, my, I studied him. I mean, the, you know, the, even the shit, I do that in my act all the time. And I always, I always reference that to the crowd. Uh, cause I do it four or five times in the show.

• 1:47:24Tom Segura?

  I, it always gets a laugh. It's Carlin. But then later I say to people, you know, that shit, that's Carlin. I, I took that from Carlin.

• 1:47:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:32Tom Segura?

  And he mentioned me in a special and I show it in the clip, in the show.

• 1:47:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:47:35Tom Segura?

  It's so great. I said, uh, we were watching, this is true. We were watching an HBO special with George Carlin. And, uh, he, he says, uh, it cuts to, I said, watch this. And they cuts to Carlin and he's in a special. He says, uh, I'm at the airport and they asked me, who packed your bags? Did you pack your bags yourself? And Carlin goes, no, Carrot Top packed my fucking bags. And I, it should, the crowd goes nuts. I go nuts and I said, I, you know, I'm, I bow down. But, I mean, my, uh, before we had cell phones, I mean, everyone in the world was like, did you see that special? Carlin mentioned you. And that's like one of those things, you're like, wow, you know, you just.

• 1:48:10Tom Segura?

  Special.

• 1:48:10Tom Segura?

  It's guy. And, and so it was great. It worked perfectly because I have all this shit. Who packed your bags?

• 1:48:16Tom Segura?

  When you got beat up a lot, like you were saying, like online or whatever, um, did you get, did you have a sense of like, well, this is like, this is unmerited. This is just like, not, like it became like sport. Like anybody can just like have a reference for something. They don't even know what they're saying. Did it feel like that? Like, like people are just.

• 1:48:34Tom Segura?

  It definitely felt unmerited because I thought what I was doing, again, whether it's silly or it's not, uh, when I first started doing comedy. The most important thing, at least cherish people with not stealing people's materials.

• 1:48:48Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:48:49Tom Segura?

  Especially back, you know, there were, now there's thousands and thousands of comics out there. I was so proud of the fact that I had my own shtick.

• 1:48:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:57Tom Segura?

  I mean, I wasn't doing Gallagher, I wasn't doing Rip Taylor, I wasn't doing anything. I was doing inventive prop stuff and stand-up, so it was a mixture of. But now the show's way more stand-up in it because I think I've just gotten more comfortable doing it. But, um, yeah, I was felt unmerited because I thought I'm doing my own.

• 1:49:15Tom Segura?

  But did you also feel like, it feels like there's like a, like a tide turning of people going like, why are we giving this guy such a hard?

• 1:49:22Tom Segura?

  Oh, they were definitely tide turned at one point, yeah. I think it was just, yeah, one day, I just hear people are like, you know, you get the Shanlings and you get Bill Mars and people that come out of the woodwork and say, you know.

• 1:49:34Tom Segura?

  They sound great, yeah.

• 1:49:35Tom Segura?

  They just had one the other day was somebody, it was Dana Carvey and what's his, they were just going on.

• 1:49:41Tom Segura?

  Spade?

• 1:49:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, about how brilliant I am and I was like, that's nice.

• 1:49:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:49:45Tom Segura?

  Um, but it took a long time to get, to get, you know, I, I always say that, you know, I, I've been doing this so long, it's like, you know, they, it's almost, I get, I finally get to go to the barbecue ground thing, you know?

• 1:49:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:49:56Tom Segura?

  It's like, alright, we can invite him to the show.

• 1:49:57Tom Segura?

  That's cool, man.

• 1:49:58Tom Segura?

  He'd been into so long, that's really what it is, I think I've been, I think they finally said, fuck, he's not going anywhere.

• 1:50:03Tom Segura?

  I'm glad you're not going anywhere.

• 1:50:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, me too, and what you do is so hard. I couldn't come up with a trunk full of visual gags, it's very difficult.

• 1:50:12Tom Segura?

  No, it's just what I do, it's, you know, I get, right, I can't write a song and some people can write.

• 1:50:17Tom Segura?

  You could give me a month and I don't think I would come up with one.

• 1:50:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:50:20Tom Segura?

  I don't think I would come up with one, dude. You gotta see Carrot Top Live, go to carrottop.com and six nights a week at the Luxor in Vegas.

• 1:50:29Tom Segura?

  Six nights a week, yeah, baby.

• 1:50:31Tom Segura?

  Unbelievable, dude. Um, this was a blast, dude.

• 1:50:33Tom Segura?

  Thank you for having me, thank you for all this fun.

• 1:50:35Tom Segura?

  And of course, these are yours to take.

• 1:50:37Tom Segura?

  Nice, yeah. My trunk's already heavy enough. This is, this, I'll tell you my, my first prop I ever did.

• 1:50:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  No way.

• 1:50:45Tom Segura?

  Ever did.

• 1:50:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 1:50:46Tom Segura?

  Mine, but it was the first thing I did on stage. I had gone to this club in Orlando, in West Palm Beach when I was at FAU. It was every day on the radio, Comedy Corner. And I thought, I'm gonna go down there and audition. So I went down and auditioned and I did George Carlin. And every joke that weren't mine. And the lady's like, where did you get these jokes? I'm like, George Carlin? I said, George. She goes, George, well, you can't do that. You have to do your own joke. I said, oh, fuck, well, that sucks. You know, I thought this comedy thing was easy. I can just do jokes. So I thought I did my, I didn't know what inspired me. I had this thing on the wall at my house, in my dorm. And so it became my first prop. I said, you know, how good, I said, I would show up. The first thing I said, like, she said, hello. My first thing out was, hey?

• 1:51:31Tom Segura?

  Oh, I had my stupid hair. I'd take that off. And then I'd hold this up and I'd say, sorry, sorry, I'm late. I was in the neighborhood. And everybody would laugh. And then I'd say, how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking sign?

• 1:51:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:44Tom Segura?

  And it just would kill. I said, it took me 20 minutes to get this fucking sign. It takes 10 seconds to go through a window. And it was just like, the lady was like, that's great. Do you have any more like this? And I said, well, I can go steal more signs.

• 1:51:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:56Tom Segura?

  And that's what I did. I went around town and I found all the signs that were, that made no sense.

• 1:52:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, brilliant.

• 1:52:02Tom Segura?

  Slowed children at play and it was a stick figure. I said, no wonder they're slowing it on feet. And I just keep doing, you know, and people, the one was funny because I stole them.

• 1:52:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:09Tom Segura?

  And secondly, they were signs that people would question.

• 1:52:12Tom Segura?

  And then you realize there's something in your head.

• 1:52:14Tom Segura?

  The visual, yeah, the visual aspect of it. And so I started, but the very, leave you on this, because we gotta go. The very first prop I did, I was 12, maybe?

• 1:52:22Tom Segura?

  12?

• 1:52:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah. But I didn't do, of course, I wasn't building props back then. It makes me laugh. My father was very, very, an engineer and very, very particular about his tools. He had a shed that was, every tool was outline numbered. Like, the hammer went there. And of course, the screwdriver wouldn't fit because it looks like a hammer. But it was like everything, right? I borrowed his hammer one day. I had a fort in the backyard and my dad came home from work and he says, where's my hammer? I said, I don't know. And he says, well, it's gotta be somewhere. It was just here this morning. I said, I don't know, Dad. He went into my fort and he found it. Well, I found, yeah. He faces a, he said, well, here it is. And I, and I said, he said, what is, does it walk in there all by itself? And I said, I don't know, Dad.

• 1:53:07Tom Segura?

  So he went to work and he came home and I made this. I said, my dad came home, I said, Dad, I think it did walk in there all by itself. And my dad's like, what the fuck? Now, what's great about this is this is, this is really the hammer.

• 1:53:18Tom Segura?

  That's the hammer?

• 1:53:19Tom Segura?

  My dad was so pissed that I drilled, and then he says, what the fuck is this? I said, the, the hammer walked in there by itself. But I was like 12.

• 1:53:25Tom Segura?

  That's brilliant.

• 1:53:26Tom Segura?

  And my dad didn't know I was gonna be a prop comic.

• 1:53:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Brilliant.

• 1:53:30Tom Segura?

  But I kept it. And, and it's gonna be in my, in my, in my prop. But that's so great, I mean, 12, right? And that's all I'm already, I'm already thinking, hey, let's, let's put.

• 1:53:39Tom Segura?

  You did this at 12?

• 1:53:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah. I found, I found a Barbie doll that I had. No.

• 1:53:46Tom Segura?

  That's, that's great, dude.

• 1:53:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's amazing.

• 1:53:49Tom Segura?

  See, there's two jokes in there. I just found a Barbie doll that I had and then I, I cut it up. It's not a Ken doll, I'm in a Ken doll, Ken doll, Ken doll. That's right. And the Barbie doll, Ken doll, my God.

• 1:53:59Tom Segura?

  That's awesome.

• 1:54:00Tom Segura?

  That's crazy, when they make Ken doll, be a Barbie doll. Makes no sense.

• 1:54:03Speaker 03

  You got a Nissan or whatever?

• 1:54:06Tom Segura?

  Thanks again for coming in.

• 1:54:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you so much.

• 1:54:08Tom Segura?

  Thank you guys for watching and listening and we'll see you next week.

• 1:54:11Tom Segura?

  Thank you.

• 1:55:37Speaker 05

  At Edward Jones, we believe rich is more than caring about the latest and greatest. It's also taking care of what gives your life meaning. That's why your dedicated financial advisor meets you where you are, with personalized financial strategies that help protect what matters, so you can preserve your progress while creating a path forward. The key to being rich is knowing what counts. Let's find your rich, together. Edward Jones. Member SIPC.