The Fart Mic Returns w/ Ron White | Your Mom's House Ep. 823

Be sure to visit https://Store. YMHStudios.com for up to 65% off our merch! SPONSORS: Get 50% Off Monarch Money, the all-in-one financial tool http://www.monarchmoney.com/ymh Go to https://helixsleep.com/YMH for 20% Off Sitewide. Get your first month of BlueChew FREE Just use promo code YMH at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. https://bluechew.com This week on Your Mom's House, Tom’s still off making a movie so Christina P calls in comedy legend and professional cigar philosopher Ron White to fill the daddy seat. The two dive right in—covering Ron’s brand-new “49-year-old bombshell” girlfriend, the celestial math that makes their relationship perfect, and why fake boobs just aren’t his thing. Ron spills the story of his ill-fated Paris river cruise, complete with pot smoke, a furious German-sounding captain, and a dramatic escape to a Paris hotel equipped with a literal sex swing. Christina shocks Ron by resurrecting a banned piece of YMH history—the beloved fart mic—and offers it up for live use. They trade stories about prenups gone wrong, vomiting for the sake of Cracker Barrel breakfast, fat roll storage hacks, and just how much sex is “too much” when you’re pushing 70. Plus, Ron shares why he thinks he’s better at stand-up now than ever, how to truly slow down on stage, and the strange gift of being an endearing pervert. From fart sandwiches to Swarovski crystal chairs, and from emotional talks about aging parents to the logistics of anal, this is still a YMH at its purest: filthy, funny, and a little too honest. Your Mom’s House Ep. 823 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:17 - Opening Clip: Fart Sandwich 00:08:04 - The Return Of The Fart Mic 00:13:45 - Ron White's Cruise From Hell 00:24:03 - Paris Sex Swings 00:31:54 - Clip: Dumb Brazilian Tourist 00:33:05 - Common Law Marriage 00:41:43 - Clip: Exploding Mom 00:42:56 - Clip: Fat Tourist Breaks Chair 00:44:26 - Clip: Fatso Mechanic 00:46:12 - Clip: Cool Karate 00:48:24 - Clip: Energy Sex 00:51:37 - Cracker Barrel Ambassador 00:57:20 - Sons & Fathers 01:01:56 - Ron's Comedic Words Of Wisdom 01:08:16 - Wrap Up 01:12:12 - Closing Song - "Delta White Mousepad" by Kosher Charro, Remix by John Douglass Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's everybody? Just kidding. That's so dumb. That's what my stupid husband would say. But guess what? He's not here. I am. And you know what I'm gonna do? He doesn't even realize. We are having a huge YMH merch store sale. Okay? We're coming out of the closet. Pull your jeans up as high and tight as they can possibly be. This will be your last chance ever to get the designs like the cool mom hats. Hello, that's my favorite. Um, park closer, which was such a good time on YMH. Fed smoker, hate from YMH shirt and all the other designs. Guys, they're not coming back. This is a last call.

• 0:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  So go to store dot YMH studios dot com right now, right now, right now. All right, are we ready, mommies? We're ready. Okay.

• 0:52Speaker 01

  You called that dude mommy?

• 0:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've called them all mommies.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  You do?

• 0:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're my mommies, yeah.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Oh, how sweet.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

• 1:10Tom Segura?

  Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, Cigars International has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time when you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any turkey day induced stress. As the industry leader, Cigars International enhances these moments with unbeatable deals so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got free everyday shipping, no codes, no minimums. You just buy the cigars and they show up. That's it.

• 1:48Tom Segura?

  With Cigars International's unbeatable deals and discounts, there's no better time to stock up and take advantage of what is arguably the best time of the year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more, or visit cigarsinternational.com/ YMH. And the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply.

• 2:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's everybody? Just kidding. I don't say that. That's stupid, Tom. And he's not here. He's out filming a movie. I am Christine and co-hosting today with me, I'm so pumped to have Mr. Ron White, everybody. Clap for Ron White, the greatest.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Thank you for the clapping.

• 2:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Love you.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Oh, I love you too.

• 2:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who pushed the microphone closer to your beautiful face?

• 2:33Speaker 01

  All right.

• 2:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you go. How have you been? What's new? What's your summer?

• 2:37Speaker 01

  Uh, I just got back from vacation, went on a great vacation with my, uh, my girlfriend and, uh...

• 2:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who's this girlfriend?

• 2:46Speaker 01

  Uh, we started seeing each other about six or seven months ago and, uh, she's perfect. For me, because I'll be sixty-nine years old in December and she'll be seventy in twenty-three years. And so...

• 3:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just did that. That's perfect.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. Right.

• 3:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's perfect.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  So, right there, you know, we're right there, sort of.

• 3:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  And, uh, beautiful, smart girl.

• 3:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Just, uh, head of HR for a, some private equity group and...

• 3:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's smart.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  Bombshell.

• 3:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nice.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  Bombshell.

• 3:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  What, what kind of broads do you like?

• 3:25Speaker 01

  Bombshells.

• 3:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bombshell. Like, what are you into? Boobs, butts? What are you?

• 3:31Speaker 01

  Uh, well, you know, it's, it's, it's, if you looked at all of them, individually, there's quite a mix there, you know? Uh, face, you know, uh, I like a woman with a beautiful face.

• 3:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 3:46Speaker 01

  Um, I'm not into, uh, big, uh, fake tits.

• 3:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Uh, and, uh, but, uh, you know, she, and she's probably the prettiest one ever that I've ever been with.

• 4:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 4:01Speaker 01

  I've been with some cutie pies.

• 4:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  You sure have.

• 4:03Speaker 01

  But my last girlfriend was older than me. She was seventy and I, and, uh, so she ended up moving back to California. And, um, and the other ones have been pretty close to my age. She's, she's the youngest one and she's, uh, forty-nine, I guess. Is the way it works out.

• 4:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's my age.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  I know. Perfect. That's what I was thinking about.

• 4:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  My God. So perfect. Well, do you... All right. Well, maybe when, don't tell anybody when Tom dies.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 4:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you think?

• 4:34Speaker 01

  I think it's a match made in some sort of celestial space. I'm not calling it heaven.

• 4:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  But it's celestial.

• 4:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is. It is, my friend. You know, when I had cancer, my husband brutally brought in my replacement and called her New Christine, which I thought was rather rude, and this could be New Tom.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  Who could, uh?

• 4:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right here.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  Right here. Right here. Uh, who was the new Christie?

• 5:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  She sucks. She's like some pig. Look at her. She's all brains, no brawn.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  Oh, I know her, don't I?

• 5:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, something like that.

• 5:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Blech, gross.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  That is gross.

• 5:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  All fit and young and pretty. Well, whatever. Listen, I've prepared such a special show for you. I'm just thrilled that you're here. Uh, why don't we start with the opening clip, okay?

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  This, this one is just for you.

• 5:30Speaker 03

  Your lunch is ready.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  That was an elephant yawning, wasn't it? That wasn't even a fart.

• 6:14Speaker 01

  Bombshell.

• 6:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like it?

• 6:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 6:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  New Tom.

• 6:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can't wait.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  You can't wait for Tom to die?

• 6:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. I'll take care of you, Ron White. When the time comes.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  I need taking care of you.

• 6:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'll wipe your ass when the time comes. Hold on, I got one more.

• 6:36Speaker 03

  Christina, it's lovely to see you and welcome everybody to your mom's house. It's coffee time. Christina, can you believe it's your first podcast without Tom? I know. Let's put the kettle on and celebrate with a strong black coffee. Best drink of the day.

• 6:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you go. Catherine Cahn, thank you so much for the shout out. This is my friend in England, Catherine Cahn.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, big old natties.

• 7:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Huge natties.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  Speaking of natties.

• 7:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Should better get those looked at. Now, what do you think of the fart sandwich? Would you still eat that sandwich?

• 7:17Speaker 01

  You know, I gotta tell you, if she had shit on that sandwich, I would have taken a bite off the other end of it. But, uh.

• 7:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm talking about.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  But, you know, probably not that one end, but the, you know, the one with the shit on it, I would eat. The regular sandwich, I don't care for. That's an egg salad or I don't know.

• 7:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, let's see, I was gonna look at that because I'm curious what kind of sandwich.

• 7:46Speaker 01

  That's probably 75 million views on TikTok, right?

• 7:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  And here you are honing an ass.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  I'm trying too hard.

• 7:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Way too hard. That looks like, I'm gonna guess, a pork rind sandwich?

• 8:00Speaker 01

  You think those are pork rinds or eggs?

• 8:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I think they're pork rinds. It could be eggs, spicy deviled eggs.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Why would you eat a pork rind sandwich?

• 8:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. Maybe it's like a fart fetish thing. Maybe it makes you fart.

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Well, the thing is that there's no carbs in pork rinds and that's the only reason people eat them at all, I think. There's low carbs and, but there's carbs in that bread.

• 8:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  And now the whole thing's starting to make much, not make that much sense.

• 8:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I got you, babe. Oh, listen, I have some official YMH business to get into before we proceed.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 8:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, many years ago, Tom banned something that I loved on this show. And it really broke my heart, Ron. And so many of the listeners, the devoted fans, the mommies, loved this thing. And then Tom cruelly took it away, ripped it from us, from our world, from the fabric of our lives. And now I am here, I am back, I am restoring YMH to its former glory, to its greatness, if you will. And I have a massive announcement. That's right. Chips in a bowl.

• 9:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  And...

• 9:18Speaker 01

  That's what Tom ripped away from the...

• 9:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, you'll see.

• 9:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is just me getting to the announcement. It's a cat-eating kibble. That's such a good sound, right?

• 9:30Speaker 01

  What is it?

• 9:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a cat-eating kibble. Do you have a cat?

• 9:32Speaker 01

  No.

• 9:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got a good cat. It's the sweetest sound in the world.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  Cat-eating kibble.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  That sounds like an elephant yawning. What is it with this show?

• 9:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's stupid. It's just fun. Here it is. Are you ready?

• 9:49Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on. This is what was ripped away, and I will restore to its former glory, its greatness. Everybody, behold, the fart mic. You can clap. Go ahead.

• 10:04Speaker 01

  The fart mic? So is...

• 10:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're welcome, worlds. You're welcome.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Now, so it was a thing at one time, and how's it smell?

• 10:14Speaker 01

  It was, so it was a staple on the show and...

• 10:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, so what happened was...

• 10:18Speaker 01

  And then Segura, who I've never liked.

• 10:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no.

• 10:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Boo.

• 10:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, the, he just ripped it right out of your life.

• 10:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  He took it away, and this was something that was so beloved, you know?

• 10:32Speaker 01

  It was.

• 10:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  And because we used to...

• 10:33Speaker 01

  That was the pole holding up the tent? And Tom yanked it?

• 10:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cruelly.

• 10:39Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 10:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because we would, we would record the show after lunchtime back in California, and we would often have Mediterranean food, hummus, falafels of that nature. And then we'd be so gassy, and I said, "Gosh, I wish there was a microphone that could pick up these farts." And we did it, and then Tom got disgusted for some reason. What a prude. Not like you. You would eat the sandwich that I take a shit on.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  Yes. Yeah, well, I mean, I would, I would. Be part of it.

• 11:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  Whatever the good part is, I would eat that.

• 11:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, okay. So just if you have to fart at any point during the show, you let me know and I'll hand you the fart mic.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna do it.

• 11:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ron.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna do it. I'm just gonna back my ass up to this mic. And fart right in it.

• 11:24Speaker 04

  That's my man.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  That's why they, you know what?

• 11:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:26Speaker 01

  These are changeable. That's a filter, right? So you can change that filter.

• 11:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  If it gets clogged up with whatever spray.

• 11:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Cause I'm gonna drop trou when I do it too. It's not gonna be coming through these jeans.

• 11:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's why I love you.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Fresh. Oh.

• 11:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so exciting.

• 11:45Speaker 01

  Like Matthew McConaughey's tuna salad fresh. That's.

• 11:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you ever tried to list every financial account you have? Like all of them, old 401Ks, investment apps, property? Half the time I forget what I even signed up for. And that's the scary part. If you're not paying attention, you can be leaving serious money on the table without even knowing it. That's why I started using Monarch Money. It's fantastic. It's a one stop shop. Uh, it's so easy to use. It pulls everything, bank accounts, retirement accounts, investments, all of it into one clean dashboard. No spreadsheets, no switching between a million apps. I realized I had way more cash just sitting around than I thought. And I wasn't saving as much as I should have been.

• 12:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can even share your dashboard with your partner or your financial advisor. No guessing, no awkward convos. It's been a game changer. Don't let financial opportunity slip through the cracks. Use code YMH at monarchmoney.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year at monarchmoney.com with code YMH. This episode is sponsored by Helix. Let me tell you, once I got my Helix mattress, it was like night and day. I didn't realize how much my old bed was messing with my sleep until I actually slept through the night without tossing and turning. No more waking up hot, no more back pain. And honestly, no more guilt about never replacing that old mattress.

• 13:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Helix made it easy to find the right one with their sleep quiz.

• 13:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it shipped straight to my door. I felt the difference immediately, but it really showed up in my sleep tracking. I'm finally getting deep sleep again and it's made a huge difference in how I feel all day. I mean, I used to wake up with back, back aches and then you wake up blazing hot and everything. And I'm also a side sleeper and Helix can customize your bed so that you can sleep on your side comfortably. Can you believe that? If you're tired of waking up tired, then you've got to try Helix. Go to helixsleep.com/ymh. Get 20% off sitewide. That's helixsleep.com/ymh for 20% off sitewide. Helixsleep.com/ymh. Do you, do you beef in front of your girlfriends?

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Uh, you know what? It's, if we're in bed at night and I'm tired.

• 14:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  I'll try to get away with it. Uh, she's not big on it. So I try to, you know, I try to, I've always been kind of a don't fart in front of women thing.

• 14:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 14:26Speaker 01

  But, you know, with some, if you're exhausted, you're like, ah, she's not, she's asleep. And then, you know, ah, rah, I'm like, okay.

• 14:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's pretty nasty. I'm an old man.

• 14:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you're a man's man.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, am I?

• 14:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you just rip farts to whatever you want.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  Burp. I don't care. So can I tell you about our vacation?

• 14:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would love to hear about your vacation.

• 14:49Speaker 01

  Okay, it was, it was a surprise. Number one, she didn't know where we were going. I was gonna go up to this mountain house in Colorado that a friend of mine owns and a guy had a fucking stroke in, uh, Africa. And he's still to this day, like a month later in Cape Town. Not good.

• 15:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm going to Africa.

• 15:09Speaker 01

  And, uh, so I'm like, I'm not gonna call there, you know, he's hadn't spoken in days. And I'm like, tell him to blink twice if the code isn't, you know? That seems so insensitive and I really do care about the guy and I joke about it, but. And so we couldn't go there. So I had the last and she took time off work. So she's got vacation and time. I got a light summer. I can do whatever, you know, whatever. And so I just started looking around and my niece used to, she was really good at finding cheap cruises for her and mother to go on when my mother was alive. And she's a NASA engineer. So she's smart anyway, but she knows how to do this.

• 15:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  A what engineer?

• 15:51Speaker 01

  She worked for NASA. Now she runs a big.

• 15:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I thought you said she's an ass engineer.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  No, no, NASA. And I'm so proud of her. She's smart and wonderful and.

• 16:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  God damn.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Uh, but so she finds this, there's a river cruise that leaves out of Paris that's parked right by the Eiffel Tower. So, so she doesn't know where we're going and she doesn't want to know. And she's excited about not knowing. I told her what the temperature would be and what to pack for. And she's, okay, I'm in, I'm in. So on the way to the plane, don't tell her, you know, shut your eyes. Okay.

• 16:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  And so we get all the way there and then right where we're landing, we're landing in Paris.

• 16:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, do you fly private or commercial?

• 16:32Speaker 01

  No, I don't fly.

• 16:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  To Paris?

• 16:35Speaker 01

  To Paris.

• 16:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, just, you know, I'm just trying to see what my future looks like.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, no. It's, it's, it's, it's nice, but it isn't private. You can't just fart, you know?

• 16:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 16:45Speaker 01

  You can't.

• 16:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can't.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  You can. It's ventilated. That stuff goes out somewhere. It's a must, right? So anyway, we get there and then there's people from the Viking people are there and they take us over to this river cruise. And we have a suite with a balcony, not big, but as big as they get there, except for two on the back that were gone and it was canceled, whatever. We're on it. Now I have weed and, and edibles and mushrooms and I'm on vacation right now. I'm ready to go. And I could see when I looked at the boat, I'm like, this could be iffy on the pot smoking thing because of the way it's designed, you know?

• 17:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  Just 200 people. But I'm always been, let's see what I can get away with. And then go from there, right? And that's practical. So I got those little decks, I'll go out there. I'll just shut the door, smoke some peat, some pot. And see what I can get away with and then, and if I get accused of it, I'll just deny it and I'll quit doing it. And I'll just either go on the top or figure out something that works.

• 17:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  And, uh, and so day two, I get a call from this guy that's the hotel manager and, uh, and he says, I gotta come talk to you and, uh, and I know what it's about, you know? So I said, yeah, sure, come on down. Big, tall Belgian dude, older than me, nice as he could be, real diplomat. And, uh, before I could even deny it, cause he said, you can't smoke pot in this room. And I didn't, I smoked pot out there. He said, what you need to do is smoke pot out there with the door shut or up on top of the boat. And I'm like, this guy means me no harm.

• 18:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:20Speaker 01

  He's a good guy.

• 18:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  So I'm like, hey, listen, thanks a lot. That's actually, that's where I was smoking it, but I wasn't that careful about keeping the door shut. I'll be more careful. He goes, go, great. We shook hands. We're best friends. He said, I know who you are. I looked it up and, uh, so we're happy you're on the boat. I'm like, okay, great. Next day, the, our boat pulls up to a dock and the dock is right by my balcony. I mean, I'm sitting there and that's the dock right there. So I'm like, well, this might not work, but I'm going to see what I can get away with. So I light a joint and I realize we're not moving. So the pot smoke's just billowing right there and, and, uh, not, I'm not, and I'm like, this doesn't work. So I put out my joint and I'm like, I'll just smoke it off the boat. Cause you're at a different little thing every day or whatever.

• 19:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's Europe, yeah, like they're, they're cool with weed, right?

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. France, not so much as, uh, Belgium, but, uh, or Amsterdam, Netherlands, whatever they're calling it, Holland.

• 19:16Speaker 01

  So anyway, at six 30 that night, I get a call from the guy and he goes, uh, the captain wants to talk to you. And, uh, I said, do I know what it's about? And he goes, yep. And I'm like, okay. It's about six o'clock at night. And, uh, they knock on the door. And he'd come in the room, but they didn't want to come in the room. And the captain takes this really aggressive tone with me. And he's, I don't know if he's German or what his accent was exactly, but it was a little harsher. Yeah. But he said, you've been, you've been smoking pot in your room. And that is against the rules of the Viking cruise people. And he was real barky at me.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  And I said, hey, listen, dude, I've been smoking pot exactly where that guy told me to, which is on my balcony. He goes, I think you smoked pot in your bathroom. And then it got into the ventilation system and blew it into the hallway. And I'm like, that is a conspiracy theory that you just made up. And you also called me a liar in the process. Meanwhile, it's escalating. He's getting louder, I'm getting louder. No. And, and people are going to dinner and they all, it's just 200 people. And there's two things, they seat them all at once. And there are people walking down the hall. We're in my hallway and this guy's dressing me down. And, and, and it got no traction with me.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  And then the big guy's trying to calm us both down because it's starting to get into a fucking eye stare. You know, what are you going to do? Cause I'll tell you what I'll do. Mm hmm. And so the, the, the big guy kind of gets it all back going in the right direction. And the guy softens up and he goes, and now at no point has anybody told me not to smoke pot on this boat. Nobody has. And the guy goes, well, perhaps if you smoked it on the top deck, I could look the other way. And I'm like, why didn't you open with that? Instead you dressed me down in front of all these people and make me look like a punk. And I said, I gotta go to dinner. And I slammed the door in his face and, and I was pissed.

• 21:22Speaker 01

  And I, you know, if you want to talk to me man to man in my room, I own my part of it. And people vote in whether I'm right or wrong. I mean, I own my part. I was smoking pot where I wasn't supposed to. I was trying to get away with something, but that's just what I do. And so I was just figuring out the water here and, and this guy just.

• 21:42Speaker 01

  What was unforgivable is he did it in front of people.

• 21:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not very nice.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  And, and this is Cocoon three, right? This is old people all together. It is a, it is elderly.

• 21:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 21:54Speaker 01

  And, uh, so anyway, I'm like, I tell Angela, we gotta get off this boat. And she goes, listen, the boat's in dock. It's gonna be there till seven thirty the next night. So let's just walk into the town. We won't eat on the boat, which we hadn't anyway. Uh, we'll go into town, find a restaurant, have some dinner, come back, sleep. And we'll walk around the town. It's gonna be here all day and decide what we're gonna do. But we don't need to just walk off now. And I'm like, you're right. You're absolutely right. So we go do that. The next day we're walking around the town. Well, they had taken all the people on these buses over to Normandy. And I wasn't gonna do that anyway. And, uh, and, uh, we see two, two couples that we know, and both of them were like, what happened? Where did you, are you getting kicked off the boat? What is, what was it? Drugs?

• 22:40Speaker 01

  Was it? And I'm like, okay, we gotta go because I can't, I won't get past it. And, and I didn't get past it anyway. I was like, tell me, I'll tell you motherfucker. I'm in my bathroom by myself, you know, just. I can't let it go.

• 22:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 22:55Speaker 01

  I just know how I am. So we decided to leave and the guy, the big guy that I liked, that he sends me, uh, me and her, a big plate of these Belgian chocolate strawberries. It might be the best thing I've ever tasted in my life. And then a bottle of wine that had no alcohol, which was thoughtful because I don't drink. And, uh, and a handwritten note apologizing for the way it was handled and, and, uh.

• 23:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  By the, from the guy?

• 23:22Speaker 01

  No.

• 23:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the problem.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  That's exactly the problem. He, I didn't need him to apologize. He did nothing to me.

• 23:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  The German.

• 23:28Speaker 01

  He was great. Yeah, but well, it's just, uh, right. Anyway, whatever his name is. Uh, it was just shitty, but, and, and here's kind of the shitty thing.

• 23:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  I was like, I'm not gonna make this about Viking.

• 23:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 23:42Speaker 01

  Because it was whatever experience it was, it had a lot of good people working on the boat.

• 23:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a hard gigs too, those people that work. My God.

• 23:50Speaker 01

  So I'm not, I'm like, I'm not gonna go bash them, uh, because of the people, you know? And it was, it's a thing. I like it better than like a seven thousand people cruise, but not better than the Ritz Carlton. So, you know, and. But then I wrote a complaint about the way I this was handled to Viking Cruise and they didn't say jack shit to me, not one.

• 24:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, when did you write the complaint? When you came home or as you're there?

• 24:21Speaker 01

  As we're there, uh, we write, uh, a lot, we, I chat GDP, I just got kicked.

• 24:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  And they said, oh, here's what to do. Call this number, do these things, make sure you document it all now. But, but, but, and so I did all those things and, uh, which I wouldn't have done anyway. I would have threatened to do it, but never done it.

• 24:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure, sure.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  Cause that's how I am. Oh, boo, I'll destroy you.

• 24:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just, I just rehearsed the confrontation in my head over and over again.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Make, give myself cancer. So go ahead. Yeah.

• 24:50Speaker 01

  So, um, anyway, yeah, we wrote it and, uh, and, and I, I, I meant them no harm. I just wanted to know what happened, you know? I mean, we walked off the boat.

• 25:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  So you left the cruise?

• 25:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, we did.

• 25:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  So you packed your bags?

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Four suitcases.

• 25:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where in?

• 25:07Speaker 01

  And what's the name of this town again?

• 25:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're outside of Paris.

• 25:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  And, uh, and we just went up to a restaurant and sat down and hey, what are we gonna do? But, you know, it's, uh, the world's my oyster. I'm on vacation. I have money and you know, we'll be fine. So we took, ended up, we take, took a train back to Paris and we found this sexy little boutique hotel.

• 25:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Beautiful.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  We had a swing in the room and, uh,

• 25:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  A fuck swing?

• 25:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, a little fuck swing.

• 25:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're kidding. What hotel is this? This is not the Ritz Carlton.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, no, no. No, but it's five star and, uh, not that far from Moulin Rouge, but it's a beautiful little place. La, what was it? La Adore, uh, Paris La Adore.

• 25:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please look up the fuck swing. That's amazing.

• 25:54Tom Segura?

  Guys, enter the room dick first. BlueChew isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk in a gym membership. BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. There is nothing worse in this life than not being hard. Why go through life like that? I take BlueChew like I take vitamins to start the day, just in case something might happen. Guys, this isn't about performance. This is about legacy or third leg a C.

• 26:32Tom Segura?

  Give her group chat something to talk about. You know when you lay it down, they're going to talk about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little BlueChew. Discover your options at BlueChew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of BlueChew free. Just use the promo code YMH at checkout and pay $5 for shipping. That's it. Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to BlueChew.com for details and important safety information. And a big thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast.

• 27:08Tom Segura?

  Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, Cigars International has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time when you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any Turkey Day-induced stress. As the industry leader, Cigars International enhances these moments with unbeatable deals so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got free everyday shipping, no codes, no minimums. You just buy the cigars and they show up. That's it. With Cigars International's unbeatable deals and discounts,

• 27:49Tom Segura?

  there's no better time to stock up and take advantage of what is arguably the best time of the year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more, or visit cigarsinternational.com/YMH and the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. So it was, we had a great time just walking the streets. She had never been to Paris and we were, and so we, you know, we had a great time there. And then, actually, when I came home, Viking did call.

• 28:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  But it was just a follow-up call that they always make to people that have been, they didn't even know I had left the boat. Just, this lady was like, just making sure everything was fine and... Oh yeah, there it is. That's my room, right there.

• 28:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  God bless the French.

• 28:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  They really do not give a shit.

• 28:40Speaker 01

  No, and I'm telling you, that's nice service. I'm sure they'll appreciate this plug, but it was, that's what it looks like.

• 28:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, and they'll clean your fuck swing and everything.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  They got Lysol, they got all kinds of disinfectants, they got all kinds of things.

• 28:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  There it is. There's your fuck swing. That's amazing.

• 28:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that was my room right there, the black one. The other one, I never saw the pink one, but there was a little balcony out there.

• 29:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look at those floors. God, the French. Now, so it doesn't sound like Viking has made amends with you, Ron. Is that accurate?

• 29:14Speaker 01

  Well, you know, what I, I called that woman, that woman just left me a message saying, just seeing how the cruise went, you know, you may still be on it. Well, anyway, we're just checking on it.

• 29:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Didn't even know.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  So I called back and I get a message and I tell her, just a short version, we walked off the cruise after four days and, and nobody's been curious why, and I'm gonna start doing podcasts next week, so why don't you guys decide how that ends?

• 29:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I was gonna say.

• 29:43Speaker 01

  Even she didn't call back.

• 29:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my gosh.

• 29:45Speaker 01

  And so I would just add, I would suggest to Viking that they square some of that stuff off, because every once in a while, somebody has a legitimate complaint. Now, I would imagine what happened was they called that captain and he wouldn't quit smoking pot in his room, or Hitler or whatever.

• 30:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, of course.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  And, and they go, well, if you did that, what are we gonna do, you know, but I'm sure they didn't ask the nice guy that, you know, was trying to make it all right and everybody have fun and, you know, it was a pricey, pricey little venture.

• 30:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course. You lost your money.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  It doesn't, yeah, and it, it doesn't, it doesn't matter. That, that didn't matter. We were, I wasn't that big on it anyway. You know, it was not right exactly my thing and.

• 30:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'll smoke the pot on the boat. Does that always sound in?

• 30:34Speaker 01

  A little bit.

• 30:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  All right. I do not appreciate your sense of humor.

• 30:38Speaker 01

  The guy was, he was probably from Australia and I just heard it wrong. I wasn't, I wasn't really listening to his words as much as his tone. I'm like, this guy's being aggressive with me.

• 30:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm not going to tell the mommies what to do, because when you rally YMH listeners. Around a particular cause.

• 30:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  You see results. Whatever you guys do, don't go to Twitter and don't tag, are you on Twitter?

• 31:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ron White and let Viking Cruise know how rude and dismissive they were to our friend Ron White. Do not allow him to smoke marijuana free on the boat.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  You know what? If anybody would have just said that.

• 31:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 31:20Speaker 01

  You really, seriously, you cannot smoke.

• 31:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can't smoke weed on the boat.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  Which. I would have, I would have found a way, a place to smoke it.

• 31:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course, but you were told by the guy where to smoke it.

• 31:31Speaker 01

  Right. And I explained to that guy, I did, I'm just telling what I'm told here. I'm just trying to find a way to get along. I'm looking for boundaries, right?

• 31:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 31:38Speaker 01

  And I, I, I don't want trouble.

• 31:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't want trouble.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  You know, I don't want to get taken off of my frequent flyer program or my TSA and, you know.

• 31:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, and let's be honest, it's a little bit of weed. It's not the end of the world. It's not like you're doing heroin or putting methamphetamines and selling it in the stores.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  I did say something about his silly little captain hat, though.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  And I was trying to control myself and, and, and you could tell Angela, because she's with HR, she was, her mouth, her jaw was dropped. She couldn't believe how he was talking to me.

• 32:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Amazing.

• 32:12Speaker 01

  And she knew it was going to go nowhere because she knows me that that's not the way.

• 32:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  No fucking way. Well, you're a real man. Have you, have you ever gone fist to blows with a dude? Have you fought?

• 32:23Speaker 01

  Not at this age.

• 32:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not that, yeah.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  You know, that is something to just break off and fall on the ground.

• 32:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is wild that he was so disrespectful. And when I was 15, I did a Carnival cruise and a crew member gave my stepsister and I weed. Like, so I was smoking out with the employees of the cruise ship.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  Bingo.

• 32:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Give me a fucking break that these people aren't getting high after work or during work or whatever.

• 32:49Speaker 01

  They didn't look like a big getting high group when I met them for dinner, but, uh, you know, they're just, you know, some people don't want to be on those big boats with, you know, some fat guy in a hot tub. You don't know, and it ain't that appealing and. And so it works out. My mother loved them. I mean, that's why I went anyway.

• 33:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause your mom knew Viking cruise line, trusted them.

• 33:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, she took the one up to Russia and.

• 33:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  She did? Did she like that one?

• 33:16Speaker 01

  Loved it.

• 33:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like the Russians. I don't trust them.

• 33:19Speaker 01

  I wouldn't go today.

• 33:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 33:21Speaker 01

  That's for sure. But this was quite a while back. The mother took that little trip.

• 33:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Reds. Yeah, I wish she liked it.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  But then Amsterdam was.

• 33:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the best.

• 33:31Speaker 01

  I just, I just fucking loved Amsterdam. I've been there a few times, but we stayed in a big old fat hotel and it was great. You go on those little boats and cruise around. Now they have one that's, that's got a virtual reality thing to it. So every once in a while, they'll tell you to put on these headsets and then you see it 400 years ago.

• 33:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's cool.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  And that just neat. I don't know what that experience is called, but if you can bring that up, they'd only been doing it for three weeks. I saw it on TikTok.

• 34:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 34:02Speaker 01

  And I'm like, oh, this is great. So, and if it's, it's all the way around too. So if you all the way back, you see a dude with a pole pushing this thing, his dog's in the front and rim brants over there. Hey, and he has some little jokes.

• 34:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then dudes pissing into the canal. They love to pee.

• 34:18Speaker 01

  Shit on the sandwich and throwing that in there. Right.

• 34:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  They love that in Amsterdam.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  Sandwich.

• 34:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  A shit sandwich. Oh, I love it. You know what I like? And we just went to Amsterdam.

• 34:27Speaker 01

  Golly, man, nobody's this good at my shop.

• 34:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, no.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't have a shop. That's it.

• 34:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, what was I gonna say? Oh, they have boats on the canal that people live on. Did you see those?

• 34:38Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, all over the place.

• 34:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  That'd be fun, huh?

• 34:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's a big year B and B hustle too. I mean, they get, they rent a lot of those out, but I, and I thought about doing it and I thought about what if it's all mildewy, you know?

• 34:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it's full of jizz too. Just like comedy condos where just guys come on everything.

• 34:54Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. I wouldn't even eat the mayonnaise in the leftover from the week before.

• 34:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Listen, I know you're just on vacation. What do you think about this? Have you done this?

• 35:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is in Brazil.

• 35:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look at this woman.

• 35:20Speaker 01

  Does she die later in this?

• 35:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  One only hopes.

• 35:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wish we could see, I was waiting for her to fall.

• 35:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you imagine?

• 35:33Speaker 01

  That would make a splat noise.

• 35:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see this, let me read the, uh, it says, "This woman is visiting a very popular tourist attraction in Brazil known as whatever, in Rio, she decided to climb down to a restricted zone where you need an experienced guide and proper equipment. She was not injured, but the video became viral after viewers reported this as dangerous and irresponsible."

• 35:59Speaker 01

  But she just wanted it to go viral, right? And it did? So bingo.

• 36:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  She wanted, you can't live alone, Ron. Are you gonna get married again?

• 36:07Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 36:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you think? How many times have you been married so far?

• 36:10Speaker 01

  I'm not sure. If you, if you count that tall girl, what was her name?

• 36:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  The tall girl?

• 36:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, real tall. Beth or, nah, I can't think of her name, but, uh, that was real brief and, uh,

• 36:26Speaker 01

  I don't know, three or four, something like that.

• 36:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Three or four at this point. Oh wow, you gotta do prenups now, right? You've gotta be doing that.

• 36:34Speaker 01

  Well, you know, the, absolutely, but, you know, there was a prenup on the last one and it, and not, not my last girlfriend, but the last girl I was actually with, and that prenup didn't mean shit.

• 36:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Seriously, what state did you get divorced in?

• 36:49Speaker 01

  Well, it's real complicated. We, we got divorced in California.

• 36:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's why.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  But there was, um, anyway, it's a long.

• 37:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sounds like a good story.

• 37:02Speaker 01

  We've been doing this a half an hour. Uh, you know, we, we were gonna have, we were gonna get a prenup, and we, I was, I spent a lot of money on this wedding at, uh, in Dallas, which is where she was from. And, uh, 250 or 350 people rented a whole, an entire hotel with a French restaurant and a 19-piece band and from New York. And it was, you know, and, but when we got there, she hadn't signed those papers.

• 37:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shut up. So you're telling me she shows up to the wedding?

• 37:39Speaker 01

  Well, a couple of days before. So we go down, I'm like, hey, hey, hey, hey, we gotta get this, it won't be valid. It's gotta be done before that, her lawyer, my lawyer. So I'm like, okay. Well, we got 350 people coming tomorrow. You know, so we're not gonna, we're, we'll just go ahead and do this, but we're not gonna sign these. We're not gonna sign a marriage license. There's no marriage license.

• 38:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Smart.

• 38:04Speaker 01

  And we, we didn't live in Texas and in California, there's no, uh, common law. You can live with somebody a hundred years.

• 38:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that right?

• 38:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, but if you don't have a contract with them, if you do have a contract, you're, you got a contract, but if you don't, you don't.

• 38:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  It explains how my dad got away with living with broads for so long.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not marrying them.

• 38:22Speaker 01

  And, uh, so,

• 38:26Speaker 01

  uh, so then we ended up getting a divorce and, uh,

• 38:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Back it up. So she shows up, she hasn't signed these papers yet.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is she, why is she telling you the reason? She's like, is she giving you the whole, well, we're gonna be together forever, so why sign these papers? I love you. We love each other.

• 38:45Speaker 01

  I don't think she liked the numbers on it.

• 38:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay.

• 38:48Speaker 01

  And, um, she didn't really talk a lot about it. Anyway, she was an entertainer also and, and I was, I was pretty crushed out on her, but you know, I'd been beat up in court before, so by brutal divorce attorneys, everything has gotten better in the world, except divorce attorneys and, uh, it's 1860 and they got you in an alley beating your ass with a stick and there's nothing you can do about it except fucking pay them. And, uh, I love them. And so I said, okay, we're gonna have them ba- basically a mock wedding. We're gonna go through all this stuff. We had an aerialist.

• 39:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, what's that?

• 39:25Speaker 01

  An aerialist.

• 39:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is that?

• 39:27Speaker 01

  It's like somebody at a Madonna show that wraps around and fucking ribbons.

• 39:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so hard to do. Wow, these broads have strong thighs. I could never do this. Okay, so.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  It was a chick and I, and she toured with the Broadway show, so these were just some of the dancers that were in the show.

• 39:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's six figures at least, right?

• 39:49Speaker 01

  She was a singer, so it's, oh, what, that party?

• 39:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  The, the aerial dancer, that, that's expensive.

• 39:54Speaker 01

  She was free.

• 39:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, she was free?

• 39:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was a friend and, uh, and then why we had her, I mean, I saw a 40 foot boom when I walked in this room. I'm like, uh, we don't need a 40 foot boom. And I mean, there, it made this movie that all showed up in court. That was all it was for, was for court. And, uh, anyway.

• 40:15Speaker 01

  And I, so we go through the procedure of it. We have dancers. We have, and all I was supposed to do was learn, was to write my vows and learn how to cha-cha. And so thirty minutes before the wedding, I'm like

• 40:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  And so anyway, we have the life and I live in Montecito and, and we, we decided to get a divorce and

• 40:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  How long did you stay together before you decided to?

• 40:49Speaker 01

  That was from that point on, we were together for quite a while, for eight or nine years.

• 40:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's a good one.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  And, but three years, we were after that ceremony. So I, I don't think she understood there was no common law marriage in California. That's what I think. And, and, cause I was surprised to find out. And I didn't know it either. But when I found out, I, I wasn't gonna chump her, you know, I said, I'll give you this amount of money by Friday and you don't have to ever work again. And she's like, oh no, I want way more than that. I want a lot of money.

• 41:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, at what point is this at the divorce, she's saying that to you?

• 41:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, right after I tell her that I'm gone.

• 41:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  So she never signs the papers?

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Which ones?

• 41:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  The initial prenup papers. Does she ever sign them?

• 41:40Speaker 01

  No, she never signs them, but there's no marriage license either.

• 41:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, so it's not valid.

• 41:45Speaker 01

  And we don't live in Texas. So anyway, they convinced this fucking California judge who did not like me, that because we lived, we came to Texas on a tour bus with two bathrooms, that that's a home.

• 42:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  And we, so we technically did live in Texas. And, which is all complete and total bullshit. I mean, my assistant, this, she goes, well, technically, I'm, guess I'm married to the bass player from Poison.

• 42:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  I hopped on that bus for a few days. And, I mean, it was just a horrible decision. And then they, you know, then it went into, so but anyway, yeah, yeah, there'll, there'll, there'll be something that recognizes what's happened already. And, and, you know, to, whatever. So, I mean, that's

• 42:39Speaker 01

  Just a fact of nature and then I and then I hope it works. I mean, I hope the relationship works, you know?

• 42:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  I don't want to keep doing this. I'm just, you know, I really am getting old and I don't want to get old by myself and I love women. I really do.

• 42:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I believe you. You know, a lot of male comics, I think, hated their mommies and so they-

• 42:58Speaker 01

  You know I love my mom.

• 42:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, you love your mother. I know. And you know something? I would never make you learn the cha-cha before the stupid wedding. Never do that.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, it was a big part. There were, it was, it was a lot of-

• 43:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stupid. Don't you hate when people do that stupid shit?

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Oh, I got mad. I was mad at the whole thing, you know, because her and her sister were doing it and I gave them a budget and, and boy, they blow that out of the water. And I'm walking around looking at this stuff going, I should ask more questions, you know, as I go through life.

• 43:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  Uh, and see what's going on. It was fun and I love the pictures from it because a lot of my friends are dead and, you know, I can go back and look at them and-

• 43:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  You know, and we were all younger and prettier and, you know, so, and, uh, but I was, you know, I was nuts about all of them at one time, you know, and I was sure nuts about her. Great singer, uh, you know?

• 43:54Speaker 01

  You never know what life's gonna bring.

• 43:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  You never know. That's the fuckery of it, of it all, right? You can't, the human heart, you just, we can't help ourselves.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  It, uh, it wants what it wants and, um, so it was, uh, it was funny because I was, I was dating her brother. I was, I was, I was, no, I wasn't dating her brother. Her brother's a really good friend of mine and I'd known her forever, you know, so I knew her whole family. And, uh, and so, and he didn't like it. He didn't like it one bit. And, uh, and I was talking to Charlie Baricola, who's a comic out of North Carolina, and he goes, "I'll hold my sister down and let you fuck her if you'll give me Alex's dates."

• 44:38Speaker 01

  Okay, that's the funniest thing I've heard this year.

• 44:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jesus Christ. Well, look, I hope that this girlfriend is wife number five and that, uh, she takes care of you in your old age, because you don't want this type of shit to happen.

• 45:00Speaker 01

  What exploded?

• 45:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  It didn't even look like that dangerous thing she was doing. Is she dead?

• 45:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's heating up a canteen?

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Oh, she's, she's, uh...

• 45:18Speaker 01

  That had some blast force. That set her back a little bit.

• 45:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is she doing there? Do you guys know? It looks like a jar of like pasta sauce or something, like a glass. Oh, damn it.

• 45:29Speaker 01

  She's canning, like, uh, whatever. She's canning.

• 45:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, for the, for the winter.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is hilarious. Yeah, it splattered everywhere too. I imagine the glass is everywhere. That's kinda cool, right? What do you think? Is that funny or is sad?

• 45:45Speaker 01

  That? Fucking hilarious.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  I mean, look at that. You could tell it wasn't staged. Look at all the sauce all the way up the cabinet and on the ceiling.

• 45:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's amazing. Here, look at this. Did you see this one? This took place in Amsterdam, speaking of.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  Was, uh... Was that a special chair that they weren't supposed to sit in?

• 46:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, I'll read it to you right now. That's what you guys did when you got off your Viking cruise. That's Ron White and his girlfriend.

• 46:31Speaker 01

  Boom.

• 46:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. Tourists are unnamed. The artist is Nicola Bola, who was inspired by Van Gogh to create this piece. The chair was covered in hundreds of Swarovski crystals, and as the tourist went to pose for a picture, he fell back and broke the chair. The tourists later fled the museum. Oh no, this took place in Italy.

• 46:54Speaker 01

  I think you should have, I think they could have caught him. He didn't look like he was gonna fled too fast. Do you think he was?

• 47:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck no, they didn't catch it. Look at that. Dude, you know what's so stupid? I could totally see myself doing something this stupid.

• 47:09Speaker 01

  You could?

• 47:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  For fucking sure. Like you, you know what I'm saying? Like you and me walking through the museum. We're a little loose, we're having some laughs and I'm like, hey Ron, watch this. I'm gonna fucking sit on the chair dude.

• 47:21Speaker 01

  Crunch. Let's get out of here!

• 47:25Tom Segura?

  It's so fun.

• 47:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alright, what about?

• 47:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, where is this? This one's cool. Speaking of fatso's.

• 47:33Speaker 06

  Does your belly touch your steering wheel while you're driving? In the center of the steering wheel, there's an airbag which may explode in your direction in order to protect you if you're in an accident. But if you're sitting too close, it could actually really hurt you. It's your favorite fat queer automotive educator and some steering wheels can be adjusted. They're typically called telescopic steering wheels. Adjust the steering wheel and seat to find a position that's safe to drive in with as much distance.

• 48:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are you feeling?

• 48:02Speaker 01

  If, if, if she lost weight, she wouldn't have anywhere to stick her cellphone while she was looking, while she was driving. Do you ever, I use, every once in a while when I was bigger, I would use my fat roll as a, just a place to stick something for a minute, like a cap of a pen, you know, stick it in a fat roll. She's got, she could store some stuff in this, but if she lost a lot of weight, she'd be like, I don't know what to do with this bottle cap.

• 48:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  You need pockets and stuff and they don't put pockets in women's clothing. When I had huge tits, I used to store stuff on top of my tit shelf. You know, like when I'd be eating, because it was so big and I could rest stuff on my tits. Or I would-

• 48:44Speaker 01

  Like an, like an otter?

• 48:47Tom Segura?

  Exactly like an otter.

• 48:50Speaker 01

  You just sit there and just crack shells and eat them with your little hands.

• 48:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was perfect.

• 49:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  There she goes, fatso. Oh, there I am. There's me, eating my snacks.

• 49:06Speaker 01

  Except it's ruffles.

• 49:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's ruffles. Yeah, I like ruffles. There you go. Here, is this what you do in your house when you're alone?

• 49:19Speaker 01

  Actually, he's kind of a nimble little minx.

• 49:24Speaker 01

  Isn't he? I mean, I couldn't do that.

• 49:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  There's a little bit of whip in that.

• 49:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 49:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Listen to him breathing, too.

• 49:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think about forty-five seconds would be the distance for him, right? That'd be about the end of it.

• 49:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you know, I'm always amazed when I see really fat people that are in shape. Like, I don't get it. Like, why are they still fat? If he can do that shit for hours, like, what's the deal?

• 49:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, I saw a fat drummer the other day. I'm like, how do you? It's such an active thing to do, and he was so good, you know? He had to do it all the time to be good at something like, you know, that. And, uh, I guess just...

• 50:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just eat too much. Yeah, yeah.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  Chomp, chomp, chomp.

• 50:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the problem. That's why I like being on the Ozempies, is because I wouldn't chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. But then again, I wouldn't exercise either, and I wouldn't take a shit. That's the trifecta problem with the Ozempies. Can't take a shit.

• 50:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, I struggle. I'm on Ozempic.

• 50:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you shit?

• 50:36Speaker 01

  Uh, you know, I can get, I can get pretty packed up, but, you know, I got another product. I got a shell full of shit I gotta take just to keep it all moving and going and...

• 50:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, man.

• 50:48Speaker 01

  And, uh, but then, I still, I swear, I swear I've never looked this bad before. It's something about the, I look like Willie Nelson. I look like I'm ninety-one years old and I'm only... I'm not very old.

• 51:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's, but that's the fun part about aging, is you, you think you look great, and then you catch yourself in a monitor or a clip of yourself, and you're like, oh my god.

• 51:12Speaker 01

  Why does anybody fuck me? Ever?

• 51:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody love me. I'm so fucking unlovable. Ugh, horrible. All right. Oh, I was gonna say, oh, have you done this with chicks? Since you're a pretty experienced lover, I don't know if you're, if you've ever done this.

• 51:36Speaker 01

  No, but I would.

• 51:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a energy sex.

• 51:47Speaker 01

  Do you have to have him come over to do it? Or are they teaching other people how to do it? I mean, because I think, uh, my girlfriend and I are quite active.

• 51:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, I imagine you require a lot of sexual activity.

• 52:05Speaker 01

  Well.

• 52:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's my, that's when I'm a little nervous when I marry you after Tom dies. I'm not so sure I can keep up with your needs.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  I like to, I like to, I like to bang. I tell you what I do and, uh, so you'll have to, you know, bite a piece of wood or whatever.

• 52:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bite a piece of wood? Couldn't you buy me a strap or something?

• 52:26Speaker 01

  No.

• 52:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wood?

• 52:28Speaker 01

  Well, it depends on how you're doing the divorce. Oh, Tom's dead. You have it all. You have it all.

• 52:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't need your money.

• 52:34Speaker 01

  Oh, that's right.

• 52:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is a love match now. I don't need your shit. My own shit. Wait, now how many, are you banging every day? What, walk me through your needs.

• 52:43Speaker 01

  Uh.

• 52:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's just the beginning.

• 52:45Speaker 01

  Is she gonna kill me for even saying this?

• 52:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why would she not listening to this? She can't, she's not listening. She doesn't know the show is.

• 52:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, nobody is, except a couple of mommies and, uh, you know, at least, at least, at least twice a day. And, you know, some days, three times a day.

• 53:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  For how long? Okay, this is the beginning of your relationship. So that's when it's hot.

• 53:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, right.

• 53:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I get that. Now, are you telling me?

• 53:09Speaker 01

  I'm talking about yesterday.

• 53:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure, sure. But like in, uh, two, three, three, five years from now, is it still gonna be three times a day?

• 53:16Speaker 01

  No. I mean, it won't, but, uh, but for those first few years, you know,

• 53:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  First few years.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  You're gonna have to bite the wood. And, uh, and I don't mean to give bad head either and, uh.

• 53:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, so I have to, we gotta do everything. Everything's on the table with you or what are we? Anal.

• 53:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Buddy, I-

• 53:37Speaker 01

  You just made a horse noise.

• 53:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. I was, you stressing me out?

• 53:41Speaker 01

  You sound like a pony.

• 53:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sweating already. I don't know if I could do that.

• 53:45Speaker 01

  No, nothing's on the table. Whatever you want to do.

• 53:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Anal. I can't do anal. I can't do anal. Hold on, Tom wants to chime in. Tom wants to chime in. Hold on, he's calling in.

• 53:54Tom Segura?

  Why don't you show him your tits right now? You need me here. That's what you need. You need me here.

• 54:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 54:00Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 54:01Tom Segura?

  That's, the fuck was that? Think that's good podcasting?

• 54:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's my husband telling me I'm doing a bad job.

• 54:07Speaker 01

  No wonder you like me so much. I'm nicer to you.

• 54:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I know. He's so hurtful. Anal? Wow. Okay. Every day, anal?

• 54:18Speaker 01

  No.

• 54:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, that's like, that's a sometimes treat, right?

• 54:21Speaker 01

  Birthdays and anniversaries.

• 54:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's a, that's a nothing burger.

• 54:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's fucking... Yummy, what, any weird kinks I got to know about?

• 54:29Speaker 01

  Bite the wood.

• 54:33Speaker 01

  They've got Novocain, I think.

• 54:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here, listen. I don't know if you like this place.

• 54:39Speaker 07

  You have nothing to lose when you come to Cracker Barrel, but everything to gain. There's so many things you can gain from Cracker Barrel. Great food, great hospitality heroes, great ambassadors, great managers who will be there for every need you have. So remember, you can never go wrong when you go to Cracker Barrel. Make Cracker Barrel your dining choice. It's America's number one choice. Go to Cracker Barrel and celebrate. You can't go wrong.

• 55:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, has he convinced you?

• 55:15Speaker 01

  Well, I didn't really need convincing because early in my road days, when Cracker Barrel was new and there weren't very many of them, they were, I mean, they're still a good fucking breakfast.

• 55:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're so fucking good.

• 55:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, and, but even back then, it seemed like, you know, it was just Waffle House, which I liked.

• 55:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I like Waffle House.

• 55:33Speaker 01

  And, but I would see, I wouldn't know they were coming because I didn't know where they were. You know, I'm just out on the road going to- Hillsboro of some state.

• 55:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  And I, and they were mostly in Tennessee, I think. And, and I was like, oh, I remember one time I, I threw, I'd just eaten the shitty meal and I, I saw a Cracker Barrel sign. I threw up in the bathroom and went in there and started to eat again. And I didn't have a lot of money. I had no money, but I just, uh, but yeah, I did.

• 56:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause you wanted to eat a proper meal.

• 56:02Speaker 01

  I wanted to eat that Cracker Barrel. That breakfast sauce, that hash brow with the cheese. I mean, I'm now, I'm a walking commercial.

• 56:08Speaker 07

  It seems like there's not enough hours in a day, but I want to let you know one thing. There's enough hours to go to Cracker Barrel. You can go to Cracker Barrel anytime of day. At seven o'clock we open. We have great breakfast, dinner and lunch. We have so many great desserts.

• 56:24Speaker 01

  We have a puking booth.

• 56:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're like, you're like the Greeks. That's what the Greeks would do. The vomitorians. They enjoy eating so much that they would eat, puke and then eat again. Now, if I didn't have.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  They wouldn't eat puke. They would eat.

• 56:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  They would eat.

• 56:37Speaker 01

  Comma, puke.

• 56:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Eat vomit. Children.

• 56:42Speaker 01

  And then start over.

• 56:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then fuck, yeah. So that's always been my fantasy. If I didn't have a, a puke phobia, cause sometimes you eat a meal on the road and you're so fucking angry that you consumed that, you know, you're so disgusted and you're like, god damn it. I, I've wanted to do that, to vomit and then go somewhere good, but you've lived my dream.

• 57:01Speaker 01

  Yeah. In a, in a gas station bathroom. I lived your dream.

• 57:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Live small.

• 57:07Speaker 01

  Of, uh, throwing it. But I'll tell you what they did do.

• 57:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  Uh, I was in, cause I, we, we stop at them all the time, you know, tour bus, room for the bus out back and.

• 57:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  My crew and, and but this time it was just me and my bus driver for some reason. And, uh, they came in and they, they handed me a ticket with zero written on it. And they said, we have a policy. When entertainers come, we pick up their tab. And then they handed my bus driver a, a bill for fourteen dollars. And I'm like, what is this? Like a feed the rich program?

• 57:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. That's not cool.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  We've decided who really doesn't need it the most. And just give them some food. Well, what a weird way to be, you know?

• 57:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is true. When, when I was poor, companies weren't sending me boxes of cosmetics.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  Nobody gets free shit like rich people.

• 57:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  And the first time I heard somebody say that, it was Jeff Foxworthy's brother as Jeff was unwrapping a brand new hunting rifle that would have been $3,000 that his brother could have never dreamed of, you know, of getting, but it's, it's true.

• 58:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 58:16Speaker 01

  The stuff they send Rogan, man, you could open a store and live like a king, just, just reselling his stuff that he genuinely doesn't want.

• 58:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. I mean, I try to be, I give it, I give stuff away a lot to people, you know? Try to be cognizant of that. But then some people are so good at sending schwag. Do you know who Mr. Beast is? The famous YouTuber?

• 58:41Speaker 01

  That gives away money and?

• 58:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  He gives away money and my kids absolutely love Mr. Beast. So shout out to Mr. Beast because he will send us boxes of the Feastables and all that stuff and my kids just go nuts.

• 58:52Speaker 01

  Oh, and nobody needs more than your children.

• 58:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're so poor and unfortunate children. Yeah. So, but I mean, that's cool, right? Hold on, I have to show you one more thing. I'm so excited about this. Have you heard about?

• 59:08Speaker 01

  Now, what, what made you think, what, is this guy entering a contest of who can say the most nice shit about, about Cracker Barrel? Is that what that was? Cause that wasn't a professional commercial of any kind.

• 59:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, but here's the thing. Does he work there because he's got the apron and the colors on?

• 59:25Speaker 01

  Is one of the stars falling off?

• 59:29Speaker 01

  I don't understand. Or is that all, that's all part of the apron? He's, I thought he was holding a mug.

• 59:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so funny.

• 59:36Speaker 01

  But okay, I got it. I got it. I understand it all now.

• 59:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love Cracker Barrel. And then they sell you the Christmas ornaments and all the shit in the store and? Oh, it's so good.

• 59:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, and they've always got a really good root beer in that ice by the, you know, right by the podium. Little preacher stand.

• 59:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's a good show. I like the tchotchkes too, on the wall, you know?

• 59:58Speaker 01

  I used to rent books from them because you could rent books on tape and then play them on your way to the next Cracker Barrel and then turn them in and get a new book.

• 1:00:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stop it.

• 1:00:07Speaker 01

  For like three bucks or something. Yeah, no, that was my whole existence. I had a big custom band and, um, and I was just, my son was like two and a half and he's in a play school car seat right next to me. Uh, I, I got, I fought for joint custody, but I mean, there are times you don't need 50, you know, percent. Uh, because they, and I was so shocked that they just gave them to me.

• 1:00:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:32Speaker 01

  And like, oh yeah, here you go. Two and a half year old baby. I'm like, I don't know what to do. I've been gone for two and a half years and he got to be two and a half. And, uh, but he, we made it fine. I would take him to comedy clubs and hand him to a waitress and he'd just, uh, don't give him any beer. I'll be back in 45 minutes.

• 1:00:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's amazing.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  That's just, eh, he actually, one time he goes, uh, he was about four and, uh, so we'd been doing it for a while. And, uh, we're at this club and I said, uh, I said, okay, we gotta go to the club. And he goes, dad, because every once in a while it was cute to bring him on stage and, and, uh, get some laughs. And he goes, I want to go to, I want to go to the club, but I don't want to go on the stage. I just want to sit in the green room. And I said, this club doesn't have a green room. And he goes, oh, it's a funny bone.

• 1:01:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I knew, I fucking knew. Wowzer, wow.

• 1:01:29Speaker 01

  He was already club hip.

• 1:01:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so funny.

• 1:01:32Speaker 01

  It's a funny bone.

• 1:01:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true. You'd have to sit in like the, uh, the office of the manager or something.

• 1:01:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  That fucking sucks.

• 1:01:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, another new stapler to play with. Here, give him a stapler.

• 1:01:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Poor servers are having to go around you to get into the showroom and stuff.

• 1:01:48Speaker 01

  Everybody's in the way at the comedy club.

• 1:01:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. Yeah. Yeah. My kids haven't done, I've showed them the inside of mothership a little, but we've, we've seen Tom, when he'll do big venues like arenas and we'll let them do the sound check where they like scream into the mic and that's pretty cool. But, uh, that's special though. I think that's really unique because it becomes normal for them. Because the kids don't even care that we're who, whatever, doing what we do.

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  They don't give a shit. They just wanted to love them.

• 1:02:17Speaker 01

  That's all. That's all.

• 1:02:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  They don't think we're special.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  And my son and I, well, you know, we're, we're really close.

• 1:02:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's awesome. He turned out great, by the way.

• 1:02:24Speaker 01

  Wonderful, wonderful human being. My favorite person and, and we're all, we're all still friends. Mom lives in Bastrop and, and, and her husband, who's one of my favorite people in the world, you know, that's a big component of your life is who's that stepdad gonna end up being and, you know, that, that contest I fucking won.

• 1:02:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's great.

• 1:02:48Speaker 01

  It couldn't have been somebody better than him. So I've always been real grateful, real careful with those relationships, you know?

• 1:02:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did your, did your mother get remarried?

• 1:02:58Speaker 01

  She did and she was remarried for a long, long time. I mean, for, I think like thirty years before he died. And then, and then she just passed a year, a year and a half ago.

• 1:03:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I remember. Yeah. Sorry. I know you liked her a lot. You loved her.

• 1:03:14Speaker 01

  So sad.

• 1:03:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, buddy.

• 1:03:17Speaker 01

  So sad. But, you know, it's, what you lose is part of your memory, you know?

• 1:03:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 1:03:24Speaker 01

  And, you know, finding somebody that gives a fuck about your story, you know, besides your, you know, your mother. So it was, and my father died really young, so fifty-one.

• 1:03:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, how did he die?

• 1:03:38Speaker 01

  He had all, just all kinds of big health problems. He worked in a carbon black plant in the Panhandle of Texas. That every day he'd come home just covered from head to toe with this, this black powder.

• 1:03:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's fucking wild.

• 1:03:53Speaker 01

  And I'm sure it wasn't very good for you.

• 1:03:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:03:56Speaker 01

  And so, but, you know, and his dad died at sixty-one, so I'm sixty-eight. So I, which sounds kind of old when you start talking about their numbers, you know? But so far I've outlived them all and I feel great.

• 1:04:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was gonna say, you've got like the, the lottery of genetics then. That's pretty great.

• 1:04:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, my mother was almost ninety and eighty-nine when she, when she passed, so, you know, that's not too bad.

• 1:04:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's awesome.

• 1:04:23Speaker 01

  You know, I have a few summers left, you know, that I'm maybe mobile or whatever. So, and I'm having a good time. You know, I still love, love, love, love doing stand-up more than ever, I think. And I, and I think I'm, I think I'm better at it.

• 1:04:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, I would.

• 1:04:40Speaker 01

  Than I was. And, and I was always pretty good at it. And, but it just seems different now. You know, just having fun down at the mothership and I don't do that back-breaking road stuff that Tom's doing. I did that for a long, long time.

• 1:04:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:04:58Speaker 01

  Hundred and forty cities, you know. And, so I, and I always did that because I thought it was gonna end. You know, because that's what these things do, right?

• 1:05:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 1:05:10Speaker 01

  They come to a fucking screeching halt and nobody gives a fiddler's fuck about you anymore. But, for some reason, it just didn't, it just didn't quit, you know, and...

• 1:05:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe, it's not for some reason. It's because you are, you know, you are, you've always been masterful. Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna blow smoke up your skirt a little bit.

• 1:05:35Speaker 01

  I love smoke.

• 1:05:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know you do. I know you do. But I would...

• 1:05:38Speaker 01

  I was setting you up.

• 1:05:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love you so much. I would study you when I, you know, for many years I would just watch your old stand-up and just watch your stillness. My God, I think you are the master at stillness. You know, you hold your cigar, back in the day, the whiskey glass, and you just set it up and you let the fucking pin out and then boom. And it's really hard to cultivate that confidence and stillness. And I remember one time, I don't know if you remember, you said this to me in the green room. You go, Christina, if, if you're

• 1:06:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  doing bad, slow down. If you're doing good, slow down. And that has stuck with me. You told me that maybe like two years ago and I always remember it. How the fuck are you this, were you this confident and still?

• 1:06:34Speaker 01

  You know, I've, I've been, I've been doing this for thirty-eight years. And, and I, I found out, I was talking about this oddly enough in the green room last night. Because sometimes I'm Father Time up there and the, and the young ones who gather around and I'll tell them stories by the fire.

• 1:06:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:59Speaker 01

  But I had, I, I put on a character more, uh, early in my career, just because I didn't know. You know, I thought I'll sound like, you know, Brother Luther, whatever the fuck, you know, with a thicker accent, like this isn't enough. And, and I just found over time that the closer I got to who I really am, the more they responded.

• 1:07:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  Uh, to what I had to say. And, because anything that's not true to your nature is not interesting to me. But the absolute truth is very interesting. Uh, uh, if you can get to it, if you can actually be who you really are.

• 1:07:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 1:07:54Speaker 01

  And so I'm Ron White over here, I just walk over here and I'm just, if I can do that, and it's so hard. Just to let it all go and just be yourself. Now, at the same time, I'm doing a very planned show, right? So it looks like I'm just out there chatting, uh, because I deliver it like I'm talking to one person.

• 1:08:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm. Yes, that is the essence of it too. That's the brilliance, yep.

• 1:08:21Speaker 01

  So, and, and also, I don't know another way to do it.

• 1:08:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 1:08:27Speaker 01

  You know, I couldn't, I couldn't do what other comics do, but if I tried to, it would for sure be uninteresting.

• 1:08:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:08:35Speaker 01

  Because it wouldn't be my nature.

• 1:08:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:08:38Speaker 01

  And not that I say everything I say is true, not that anything I say is true. But I, I don't put on.

• 1:08:47Speaker 01

  Any pretense that I'm something other than what I am, basically morally, you know, actively, whatever, you know, and quite frankly, I'm okay with it. And so I like myself fine.

• 1:08:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, and I'm just, you know, so people do, I've gotten to know you a little bit personally in the last few years, and you are fantastic. You are actually, you know, but if you think he's cool on stage, he's even cooler off stage. Like, and I, I just think you're fantastic. But you're right. And you know what I love best about watching your act is what a degenerate you are on stage. And but it doesn't, it's hard for, for men to do it without coming across as gross or creepy. And you don't skeeve women out. You know, it's almost endearing. You're like, oh, that's not funny that he's a pervert. Like, that's so sweet. This guy's a total pervert. I love him. It makes you, it makes somebody like you more. That's a real skill.

• 1:09:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, the, the, the, the closing joke is horrible. I mean, it's a horrible visual and it's been people just laugh at it like it's a regular joke and, and, and women and men and they're like, oh, it's so funny that he asked this 70 year old woman while he was wearing skates or whatever.

• 1:10:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:09Speaker 01

  You know, it's an awful visual. And, but boy, I get away with it. I don't, and that, I don't know why the, that I, that, but I think that I, even before that, I do say in, in my show that I love women my age. And, and I, and I do. I find them interesting and, and, and, and we like the same music and, you know, some, and even Angela, I thought was too young for me. And, but, you know, she's, she's, I mean, what a, what a, what a catch.

• 1:10:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ron, do you like Goth music?

• 1:10:53Speaker 01

  Golf?

• 1:10:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Goth music?

• 1:10:55Speaker 01

  Golf.

• 1:10:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  You ever, Goth? G O T H? You ever listen to The Cure? Bauhaus?

• 1:11:01Speaker 01

  I did, I know some Cure songs, probably.

• 1:11:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  That'll qualify. Listen, I am so grateful that you're here. Do you have something to plug? What are you doing? You're on the road.

• 1:11:12Speaker 01

  Hey, can you pull up the poster for that? Just out of curiousness, curiosity.

• 1:11:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Curiosity. Didn't even get to use my new fart mic this episode.

• 1:11:21Speaker 01

  An Austin artist did that.

• 1:11:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's awesome.

• 1:11:24Speaker 01

  Isn't it fun?

• 1:11:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I'm sad I can't do this. I got my surgery. We record these things out of time. And I'm getting my boobs reconstructed very soon. So that's why we're doing all these episodes. I'm excited. Next time you see me, I'll have a whole new rack. I'll have a tummy tuck.

• 1:11:44Speaker 01

  Are they gonna like use some, your fat?

• 1:11:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Use your belly fat to make tits, bro. It's fucking wild. Thank God, right? I want tiny little French girl tits, not the big sloppers I had before.

• 1:11:58Speaker 01

  Oh, you're gonna be like, wait, like 10 pounds lighter, right? You're gonna be faster? You're gonna be climbing trees?

• 1:12:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lighter. Still won't do anal. Okay. Also, check out the YMH merch store. We have so many items on sale right now. They're not gonna last forever, guys. Once these are sold, we're not going to reprint them. So go ahead, truck it out, try it out. Buy my lipsticks. I'm wearing a shade right now that I will be selling very soon, in the coming months. And anything else, Ronway? Any closing thoughts?

• 1:12:30Speaker 01

  You know, just maybe a little bit about, because the flood, the reconstruction of the flood.

• 1:12:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:12:39Speaker 01

  I went down there the day before my vacation. I drove out to hunt and to ground zero, right where Camp Mystic was, and don't. You will not be ready for what you see. And so that is going on. And it'll be going on for a long time. They're digging up cars that are 15 feet underground in this riverbed. And so encourage.

• 1:13:10Speaker 01

  The people that are actually trying to physically help to continue to help because it's going to be here for a long time and a lot of them are volunteers. And so it's and you can stop the blame game. I'm telling you, I know what happened in this storm and it's nobody's fault. And if it happened again, that would happen again, no matter what we did. So anyway, let it go. Find a way to help and.

• 1:13:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ron's got a phone call. We gotta go. Donate money here, Kerr County Flood Relief Fund. And yeah, not a positive way to end the show.

• 1:13:48Speaker 01

  No, it is. Let's let it be.

• 1:13:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why don't we do that? Hold on. You know what? Let's go back to here. Let's go back here.

• 1:13:55Speaker 07

  You have nothing to lose when you come to Cracker Barrel.

• 1:13:57Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 1:13:58Speaker 07

  But everything to gain. There's so many things you can gain.

• 1:14:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  All right, we got it.

• 1:14:03Speaker 01

  Twenty-eight pounds, that's what I gained.

• 1:14:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  The grits always kill.

• 1:14:07Speaker 01

  Come on, bring them on.

• 1:14:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, guys. And of course, oh shit. I'm off the rails. Okay, I can't stop him. Oh no.

• 1:14:23Speaker 01

  Oh, they've taken over the studio.

• 1:14:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  All right, this is a good time to end the show. Bye, bye.

• 1:14:28Speaker 04

  We don't know what's gonna happen next.

• 1:15:53Speaker 07

  White girl, what a fat ass. Thirsty for lies, oh. I'm looking for a white girl, what a fat ass.

• 1:16:03Speaker 07

  I'm looking for a white girl, what a fat ass. There's so many things you can gain from Cracker Barrel. Great food, great hospitality heroes. Go to Cracker Barrel and celebrate. You can't go wrong.

• 1:16:18Speaker 08

  Now at Kroger, your points add up to more ways to save every trip. Use them your way to take dollars off groceries at checkout or save at the pump. You can even save up to $35 on your next fill-up. Same points, more choices. And with low prices on fresh, quality food, plus digital and personalized offers tailored to how you shop, your dollar goes further. Redeem your points online or in the app. Kroger, fresh for everyone. Restrictions apply. See site or store for details.