Charo Returns… And She's Got A New Show! | Your Mom's House Ep. 821

SPONSORS: Get organized, refreshed, and back to routine for way less. Head to https://wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. Go to https://coorslight.com/YMH to see how Coors Light can amplify your summer. And be sure to keep an eye out onCoors Light’s social handles all summer long for more exciting announcements. This week on Your Mom’s House, Tom Segura and Christina P welcome back the one and only Charo! Charo isn't only here to collect casino money, she's here to drop major news: she’s launching her own YMH show, Muy Mucha Charo… and let’s just say, it’s already the tits! Charo talks more about her recent move to Austin and how the adjustment is going, and the trio dives into Charo’s own psychological evaluation (spoiler: clinically significant chaos), debates her potential Vegas show “Fart Mistress Live,” and navigates her dream of owning a Mazda Miata convertible—so long as she drives it on the freeway. Plus, Christina’s lipstick line gets a rave review, Bert Kreischer gets body-shamed with love, Charo watches people get hurt against her will, they brainstorm Bad Thoughts season 2 ideas, and Tom reveals a sci-fi colonoscopy story that sends Charo into full-on disownment mode. This episode is a wild ride filled with laughs, borderline diagnoses, mom-manipulation tactics, and of course... plenty of farts. Your Mom’s House Ep. 821 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:05:02 - Opening Clip: Fat Guy Is Full 00:18:24 - Muy Mucha Charo Teaser 00:21:37 - Does Charo Like Austin? 00:29:39 - Farts & Charo Bribes 00:37:54 - Charo's Psych Evaluation Results 00:49:05 - Horrible Or Hilarious 00:57:05 - Crazies Behind The Wheel 01:02:21 - Clip: Robot Companion 01:04:44 - Season 2 Of Bad Thoughts 01:15:49 - Closing Song - "BURP" by Wes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Born from the intensity of a night in the eternal city. Introducing Born in Roma Fragrances by Valentino. Feminine perfume Donna Born in Roma features juicy black currant, central jasmine, soft cashmerin and warm vanilla. Masculine leaning but unisex Womo has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver and mineral salt. Shop holiday gifts at Macy's.com.

• 0:41Tom Segura?

  And welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I'm Tom, she's Christine and joining us is one of our all time favorite guests. You know her as my mom, it's Charo.

• 0:58Tom Segura?

  Real exciting news that we want to, we'll get into more of it, but just so that everybody knows, Charo, my mom, has a new podcast and it comes out tomorrow.

• 1:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my goodness.

• 1:10Tom Segura?

  Here on the YMH Studios YouTube channel. You can get it wherever you get podcasts. You can listen to it everywhere. It is called Muy Mucha Charo and it is debuting tomorrow. So make sure you check it out. Charo, thank you for coming.

• 1:26Speaker 03

  Tommy, thank you for inviting me.

• 1:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta move the mic.

• 1:28Tom Segura?

  You gotta be, you gotta sit a little bit closer. There you go.

• 1:33Speaker 03

  Tommy, thank you for inviting me.

• 1:35Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 1:35Speaker 03

  Christina, thank you for being here.

• 1:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course, I'm thrilled to have you. We had a lovely dinner last night at the home.

• 1:42Speaker 03

  It was the best.

• 1:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jane, you, the kids.

• 1:46Speaker 03

  It really was.

• 1:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  The cat.

• 1:47Speaker 03

  It was all of us and Tommy watching us. Which enhances the pleasure of the dinner when he saw us.

• 1:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  You think so?

• 1:54Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why does it, it makes you feel pressured?

• 1:57Speaker 03

  It makes me feel happy. Excited, I put more bites.

• 2:01Tom Segura?

  Because you can see me?

• 2:02Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:02Tom Segura?

  Watching you?

• 2:03Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:04Tom Segura?

  How come?

• 2:05Speaker 03

  It's just a pleasure. I can't even describe it. You're sitting there and I'm having filet mignon, lasagna, every type of spaghetti, every kind of vegetable that I share with everybody because I'm very nice. Fifty desserts and you're watching.

• 2:22Tom Segura?

  Not eating.

• 2:24Speaker 03

  Not a bite.

• 2:25Tom Segura?

  And that made you happy?

• 2:26Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:27Tom Segura?

  That sounds like something that somebody really well adjusted would say.

• 2:31Speaker 03

  Actually, I envy you.

• 2:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 2:33Speaker 03

  I would love to do what you did, but I'm trying to picture myself one day, no eating. I would be the most miserable person. You will send me back to Vero. Cristina will be clapping of joy. Finally, we find the excuse. And I said, no way. I won't do that.

• 2:53Speaker 03

  Salud.

• 2:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Salud.

• 2:55Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 3:00Speaker 03

  That laugh sounds very affirmative.

• 3:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ta ta, Richard. Hey, hey, hold on. Who, whose idea was it for you to move to Texas, this guy? Don't forget that. I was the one that was like, you know, it'd be lovely is to have Jane and Charo here in Austin with us nearby.

• 3:18Speaker 03

  All that is true, but how many times people change their minds? And I said, why in the world did I do that?

• 3:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, is that why I invite you to the home every Sunday for dinner?

• 3:27Speaker 03

  No, that's

• 3:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Every Sunday for dinner, you are

• 3:29Speaker 03

  I am physically forcing you.

• 3:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're forcing me?

• 3:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, because I keep saying I have a time to do it.

• 3:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nan, hat Nan, this is, this is fake news. I invite you every Sunday.

• 3:40Speaker 03

  That is true.

• 3:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm now forcing.

• 3:42Speaker 03

  That is true.

• 3:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now.

• 3:44Speaker 03

  The truth, Valga, she's absolutely right. She invited me every Sunday. She does nothing but give us love.

• 3:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you. And then you still misgender my cat. You call munchkin Mushi.

• 3:57Speaker 03

  It's called Mushi and you're not going to change it. And that Mushi is a perfect cat, but they gave me a perfect dog.

• 4:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 4:04Speaker 03

  Mushi piss on the toilet. My dog, the one that you guys gave me, poop in my house. So it's an even trade.

• 4:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it is an even trade. Yeah.

• 4:14Speaker 03

  But I love that dog anyway.

• 4:15Tom Segura?

  Are the headphones supposed to sit on the face or are they supposed to be? More over just like the ears.

• 4:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 4:24Speaker 03

  Now I feel weird.

• 4:25Tom Segura?

  That feels weird?

• 4:26Speaker 03

  I feel like I have a facelift.

• 4:28Tom Segura?

  You look great.

• 4:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 4:29Speaker 03

  So I know what I did. I need to do this and I just.

• 4:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we just wear those 24/7.

• 4:34Speaker 03

  Why not?

• 4:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You look good.

• 4:37Speaker 03

  I look good. I try good. I exercise all the time.

• 4:41Tom Segura?

  Do you? What is, what's your routine like?

• 4:43Speaker 03

  Well, I get up and I go and get coffee and I walk all the way to my room.

• 4:48Tom Segura?

  Oh, so back and forth.

• 4:50Speaker 03

  Well, I start like that and I do it again.

• 4:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's pretty good.

• 4:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  How about the hill? I know you were upset that there's a hill that you have to drive to go to the grocery store.

• 5:01Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:02Speaker 03

  Honestly?

• 5:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 5:03Speaker 03

  Still scares me.

• 5:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  The hill.

• 5:05Speaker 03

  So I park the car like four steps up and then I walk two steps and I go up.

• 5:12Tom Segura?

  She's talking about the hill that you drive out of the neighborhood on, not your driveway.

• 5:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  To go to the grocery store.

• 5:17Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 5:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause you have to go down the one road.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  This is scary, but I'm getting used to.

• 5:21Tom Segura?

  Nice.

• 5:22Speaker 03

  I'm getting used to.

• 5:23Tom Segura?

  Well, there's a lot of exciting stuff we have to go over with you today.

• 5:26Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 5:27Tom Segura?

  Um, and of course, the huge news is that you have a new podcast. We'll get into that in a moment. But to get us started, let's open the show with an opening clip. Here you go.

• 5:40Speaker 03

  What is it?

• 5:44Speaker 03

  Oh, gosh.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  You almost look like mine. Oh, fuck. Tommy.

• 5:54Speaker 03

  This is so disgusting. How many babies are in there?

• 6:00Speaker 03

  Right. Is this real?

• 6:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Looks a pierced up.

• 6:07Speaker 03

  How do you survive like this?

• 6:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your mom's house. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

• 6:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

• 6:42Speaker 03

  Christina.

• 6:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Si. Time out.

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Can I? Time out for a minute.

• 6:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  You have to honor the music. Listen to the music. Feel it.

• 6:59Speaker 03

  Okay, now time out?

• 7:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, what's up?

• 7:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on. No, go ahead.

• 7:03Speaker 03

  This is not... This is not recorded?

• 7:06Tom Segura?

  No.

• 7:07Speaker 03

  It's a question. Can I talk about your lipstick?

• 7:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 7:10Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 7:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Go ahead, talk about it.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  I can't, you haven't even turned this on.

• 7:16Tom Segura?

  Turn what on?

• 7:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  The microphone?

• 7:17Speaker 03

  I saw you told me about this listening.

• 7:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you can talk to me about my lipsticks. The lipstick company that I have, ChristinaP.com. You can buy all four colors right now. Perfect Red, Atomic Red, Berlin, and Madison. Get all four for the lady in your life.

• 7:30Speaker 03

  They are the best. They are the best. That's what I want to talk.

• 7:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's insane, the high quality. And can I tell you why they're so high quality? I imported them from an atelier in Italy. So this isn't some American schlock brand. This is European beautifully crafted stuff.

• 7:49Speaker 03

  Okay, I want to buy them.

• 7:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  High quality, babe.

• 7:51Speaker 03

  So I can buy them right now?

• 7:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Absolutely, ChristinaP.com.

• 7:55Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 7:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  ChristinaP.com.

• 7:56Speaker 03

  Christina P?

• 7:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  So she... You were helping me last night develop my next line of products that I will be putting out very soon.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  That is going to be great.

• 8:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you helped me decide which colors, which textures you liked.

• 8:09Speaker 03

  And I love them all.

• 8:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do too. It's so exciting what I'm gonna do next. I can't wait.

• 8:15Tom Segura?

  Um, I'm excited for you too. By the way, you do look great. The makeup looks great.

• 8:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  You do.

• 8:19Tom Segura?

  Your jacket.

• 8:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your face.

• 8:20Tom Segura?

  Where did you get that jacket? It's beautiful.

• 8:22Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, it's imported from Germany.

• 8:24Tom Segura?

  From Germany? Not really known for the furs, but... That's good.

• 8:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that squirrel?

• 8:29Tom Segura?

  Squirrel fur?

• 8:30Speaker 03

  Well, the squirrels are not green.

• 8:32Tom Segura?

  What's green?

• 8:34Speaker 03

  Nothing is green. The leaves are green.

• 8:36Tom Segura?

  Right. Okay.

• 8:39Speaker 03

  So this is um. Thank you.

• 8:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, wow.

• 8:43Speaker 03

  You have to show this off.

• 8:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's beautiful.

• 8:47Tom Segura?

  The more you could whisper away from the mic, the better.

• 8:49Speaker 03

  I will try my best to scream from now on.

• 8:52Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 8:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you hear yourself in your ears?

• 8:56Speaker 03

  No, I can hear you.

• 8:57Tom Segura?

  You don't hear yourself?

• 8:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't hear yourself?

• 8:59Speaker 03

  No, I can't.

• 9:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's the problem.

• 9:01Speaker 03

  Have a. Charo, can you hear yourself? Yes, I can.

• 9:04Tom Segura?

  Okay, there we go. So um.

• 9:06Speaker 03

  I have to be everybody.

• 9:07Tom Segura?

  This first clip is my buddy Bert. That's Bert right there, laying on his back with his belly out.

• 9:15Speaker 03

  Are you serious?

• 9:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:17Speaker 03

  I told me that's terrible.

• 9:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:20Speaker 03

  That's not Bert.

• 9:20Tom Segura?

  That's Bert.

• 9:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He's a big drinker.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  This is Bert now?

• 9:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:27Speaker 03

  That's sad.

• 9:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:30Speaker 03

  Okay, that's a joke. That's not true.

• 9:32Tom Segura?

  That is true.

• 9:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is. Look at him.

• 9:35Speaker 03

  He lost a lot of weight before.

• 9:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And then he kind of swung the other way.

• 9:42Speaker 03

  How does he manage to walk?

• 9:44Tom Segura?

  It's challenging, but he's doing it. He's actually shooting a show right now.

• 9:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  He does have diabetes. He's gonna have one of his legs amputated, unfortunately, because, look, he's laying down there. He can't walk very well.

• 9:59Speaker 03

  Are you serious here?

• 10:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. He has to amputate. They're gonna amputate one of his legs. I know.

• 10:06Speaker 03

  This is horrible.

• 10:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 10:09Tom Segura?

  Great guy, though.

• 10:10Speaker 03

  Oh, he's a super nicely guy, but.

• 10:12Tom Segura?

  He's a really nice guy.

• 10:13Speaker 03

  I feel sorry for his wife. I feel sorry.

• 10:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what he does? He also, like you, eats candy in bed.

• 10:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Starburst.

• 10:20Tom Segura?

  He's a big sugar guy.

• 10:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Loves candy.

• 10:22Speaker 03

  So am I.

• 10:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He likes drinking and he likes sweets.

• 10:26Speaker 03

  Okay, which reminds me of I need to immediately change my style of living.

• 10:31Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 10:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:32Tom Segura?

  This is the time, too. Everyone's like, you hit eighty-one. It's out. It's time to.

• 10:36Speaker 03

  I am not eighty-one.

• 10:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  How old are you?

• 10:39Tom Segura?

  How old are you?

• 10:40Speaker 03

  Eighty. That's old enough to don't rush me.

• 10:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:44Speaker 03

  Eighty-one, by the way.

• 10:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 10:48Tom Segura?

  That's the Reddit thread. Is Bert dying?

• 10:54Speaker 04

  That photo is terrible.

• 10:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he's so red.

• 11:01Speaker 04

  I was talking, very disrespectful. His eyes are barely open.

• 11:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  So much sodium.

• 11:09Speaker 04

  Oh yeah, I am talking. This is so rude. He's got the drink in his hand. Okay, I'm not talking anymore. Okay, I won't talk anymore.

• 11:21Speaker 04

  That's such a great photo.

• 11:25Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 12:10Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 12:54Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 13:20Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 14:05Speaker 03

  I usually do this.

• 14:06Tom Segura?

  What's that?

• 14:07Speaker 03

  To have a guess and ignore the guess.

• 14:08Tom Segura?

  Oh, watch this, watch this.

• 14:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  She passed away, unfortunately.

• 14:22Tom Segura?

  She passed away during the National Anthem.

• 14:28Tom Segura?

  You know who else is 81? Barry Manilow. And he's still doing his shows in Las Vegas.

• 14:35Speaker 03

  I am 80.

• 14:36Tom Segura?

  I can send you to one. It's really good. We have some clips. You want to see what he's doing? Because if his show is going to, is any sign what your podcast is going to be like, it's going to be a fun time, okay?

• 14:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 14:59Speaker 03

  That's his show?

• 15:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:08Speaker 03

  What does it take to have a show in Vegas?

• 15:10Tom Segura?

  Well, I mean, this, first of all, he's got some nice work done on his face.

• 15:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is good work and it's, he needs to blend the orange into the neck.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, but I want to have a show like that.

• 15:21Tom Segura?

  Well, here, there's more, there's more.

• 15:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would you date him? He's your peer.

• 15:38Speaker 03

  No, thank you.

• 15:42Speaker 03

  No, thank you.

• 15:48Speaker 03

  I won't date him, but I will imitate him.

• 15:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 15:51Speaker 03

  I think I have my own show.

• 15:52Tom Segura?

  Frankie Valli's got a show too. You could check that out.

• 16:01Speaker 03

  He's 97?

• 16:02Tom Segura?

  He's in his 90s.

• 16:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Holy shit.

• 16:05Speaker 03

  And he still has a show?

• 16:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's a good show too.

• 16:08Speaker 03

  Why don't I have a show in Vegas?

• 16:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can.

• 16:11Tom Segura?

  I mean, maybe the podcast is like what's gonna get you the show.

• 16:15Speaker 03

  That would be cool.

• 16:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  What would you do on your Vegas show?

• 16:18Speaker 03

  I will invite you over.

• 16:19Tom Segura?

  You know what you could start doing? To, because you're doing the podcast. You know what's really big with this generation right now?

• 16:25Speaker 03

  What?

• 16:26Tom Segura?

  They're called fit checks. You know what a fit check is?

• 16:28Speaker 03

  No clue.

• 16:29Tom Segura?

  So you set up your camera and then you would show off your, you go, "Fit check", and you would show your outfit today, like this chick here.

• 16:35Speaker 04

  Do you guys like my outfit? What about this? Do you like this?

• 16:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, I, I would.

• 16:47Tom Segura?

  But she's like the great thing to like inspire, because you already have the second part. And if you start doing fit checks.

• 16:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you something? You would sell out Vegas with this act.

• 16:58Speaker 03

  I probably don't.

• 17:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you're already known as the fart mistress.

• 17:02Speaker 03

  Can you imagine going to Vegas? So I can fart in front of the cameras?

• 17:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, he's so awesome.

• 17:08Tom Segura?

  You're huge.

• 17:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'd sell out.

• 17:09Tom Segura?

  You have huge audiences.

• 17:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'd have a contract to work in Vegas.

• 17:12Tom Segura?

  I'm not kidding you.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  You guys are so low. I can't believe you're suggesting for me to go on TV, not only on TV, on Vegas and fart on the cameras because already have an audience. I mean, yes. This is killing me.

• 17:27Tom Segura?

  Trying to get my mom a career is supposed to be something I feel bad about?

• 17:30Speaker 03

  That type of career, yes.

• 17:32Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 17:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  It feels like you're not being grateful.

• 17:35Tom Segura?

  You know, you already have fans here, right? You have fans in the audience too. Do you know that somebody sent in a message because they're interested in meeting you?

• 17:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 17:45Tom Segura?

  Potential suitor?

• 17:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  No way.

• 17:47Tom Segura?

  Check this out.

• 17:51Speaker 05

  Hey baby, how are you?

• 17:52Speaker 03

  Hi baby.

• 17:53Speaker 05

  I would like to meet up. I wanna meet you. You're awesome. Bye now.

• 17:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well?

• 18:00Tom Segura?

  That was for you.

• 18:02Speaker 03

  How do you know it from me? He just said, "Hi baby."

• 18:04Tom Segura?

  It came in our inbox and he said, "This is for Charo."

• 18:08Speaker 03

  He couldn't dress any better than that.

• 18:09Tom Segura?

  Well, I think he was just inspired in the moment, you know?

• 18:12Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 18:13Tom Segura?

  I like his outfit.

• 18:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  What kind of guy would you be into? I feel like he's a pretty great candidate, though. I mean, he looks like he's in good shape. He's really into you, which is important. You want the guy to like you more than you like them, you know?

• 18:27Speaker 03

  A hundred percent.

• 18:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that, you think that's true?

• 18:29Speaker 03

  That's a good question.

• 18:30Tom Segura?

  You think that was us?

• 18:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 18:34Tom Segura?

  No?

• 18:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you think you love me more than I love you?

• 18:39Speaker 03

  He was crazy about you.

• 18:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was.

• 18:42Speaker 03

  Crazy about you before you even look at him.

• 18:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 18:46Speaker 03

  Yes. I'm a witness. If he denies it, I am a witness.

• 18:54Tom Segura?

  Witness?

• 18:55Speaker 03

  Witness.

• 18:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  A witness?

• 18:57Speaker 03

  So this is the guy you're going to get for me?

• 18:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Can we respond?

• 19:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:02Tom Segura?

  Why don't you do this? So I think that's your camera. Will you say something back to him?

• 19:07Speaker 03

  Does he have a name in someone?

• 19:08Tom Segura?

  George.

• 19:08Speaker 03

  No, I'm not going to say George because he said, "Hi baby."

• 19:11Tom Segura?

  Okay, then say whatever you want to say back. But say it into that camera.

• 19:15Speaker 03

  "Hi baby. Next time, if you don't mind to sit down and put some clothes on, maybe I will get into you too and I would like to meet you. We start as friends and God knows where we go. But just do it properly, not laying down in a tissue that is not appealing to me. Bye."

• 19:35Tom Segura?

  Hey, that was really good.

• 19:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was really good.

• 19:37Tom Segura?

  We'll send that right back to him.

• 19:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  He'll like that. He'll like that.

• 19:41Tom Segura?

  So let's get into this because the people are dying to know. Tell us about the podcast. What's the podcast like? You've been doing it here. Tell us. What's going on in the podcast?

• 19:54Speaker 03

  The podcast is something I wasn't expecting, number one. So I come here, I sit down, and I have no idea what to talk about because here is a podcast and talking to myself and...

• 20:05Speaker 03

  So I guess I start by telling them my story.

• 20:08Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 20:08Speaker 03

  How I met my husband, how it's kind of hard for me.

• 20:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:14Speaker 03

  That's it.

• 20:15Tom Segura?

  Really good sales job on getting people to want to listen. Thank you for that.

• 20:20Speaker 03

  I would recommend you to listen if you want to know something about my life. But if you think you're going to laugh, I hate to disappoint you.

• 20:28Tom Segura?

  That is not

• 20:31Tom Segura?

  accurate or effective, what you're doing. Just so you know, you would be definitely dropped if you were trying to like, keep a job somewhere. But um, here, we have a little trailer that we made to get the audience excited about my mom Charo's new podcast called Muy Mucha Charo. Here you go.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  Dale, Gomez.

• 20:59Speaker 05

  The Fart Mistress.

• 21:02Speaker 05

  Señora Tetas.

• 21:03Speaker 03

  My only farts.

• 21:05Speaker 05

  Mom's moving in and she's bringing the spice.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  Are you retarded?

• 21:09Speaker 05

  You'll laugh. She'll cry. She'll make this noise.

• 21:17Speaker 05

  Coming soon to YMH Studios.

• 21:19Speaker 03

  Make it sexy.

• 21:20Speaker 05

  Muy Mucha Charo.

• 21:23Speaker 03

  Well, hello, everybody. Look at her face.

• 21:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's awesome.

• 21:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  You look awesome.

• 21:27Tom Segura?

  You look great.

• 21:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  You do. By the way, you do not look eighty-one years old.

• 21:32Speaker 03

  Eighty!

• 21:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  You look amazing.

• 21:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you look great.

• 21:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You look really good. You have no wrinkles on your face.

• 21:39Speaker 03

  Well, the camera can't do any tricks.

• 21:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I mean, I'm looking at you in real life. You look amazing.

• 21:43Tom Segura?

  Can I tell you the truth? You kind of do look like Barry Manilow. Like, if you look at this clip and then...

• 21:49Speaker 03

  That's the guy who was dancing?

• 21:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You guys kind of look similarly.

• 21:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Holy shit, you're right!

• 21:54Tom Segura?

  You guys do look alike.

• 21:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe you guys are related. Is he Peru?

• 22:04Speaker 03

  Maybe I do that in my next podcast.

• 22:07Tom Segura?

  Hmm?

• 22:07Speaker 03

  Maybe I do that in my next podcast.

• 22:08Tom Segura?

  That'd be a great, I mean, you could wear that jacket. You could definitely do those moves.

• 22:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's got great cheekbones like you too.

• 22:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  Done.

• 22:16Tom Segura?

  Done.

• 22:17Speaker 03

  Done.

• 22:18Tom Segura?

  Holy shit, you guys are twinning.

• 22:19Speaker 03

  So that's the podcast, the previous, you are announcing about my podcast and all you are showing is my previous stuff that had nothing to do with my podcast.

• 22:27Tom Segura?

  No, it's a, it's called a teaser trailer. So what we did was just kind of like get people excited about the talent involved, which is you, since the talent is unqualified to promote themselves. So we, um, we put together a little reel.

• 22:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we did it ourselves because we knew you would do what you just did.

• 22:50Tom Segura?

  So yeah, there's that. Yeah.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  Me and him.

• 22:54Tom Segura?

  You and Barry. Now, you've been in Austin now, um, about seven months.

• 22:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 22:59Tom Segura?

  How are you liking it?

• 23:01Speaker 03

  I like Austin a lot.

• 23:05Speaker 03

  I love going to see you guys. I love having the family close.

• 23:10Speaker 03

  I love everything about Austin, but I'm still scared to drive.

• 23:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's normal though.

• 23:15Speaker 03

  Tommy, it's seven months, like you said.

• 23:17Tom Segura?

  I know, but aren't you making a little bit of progress in that?

• 23:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, I look for somebody to take me.

• 23:22Tom Segura?

  Oh. Well, do you think you could throw yourself into it a little more?

• 23:25Speaker 03

  Well, it's from myself, they call to let you know that there is an accident in the road where you should come.

• 23:29Tom Segura?

  Well, that's not throwing yourself into it. Throwing yourself into it is like.

• 23:32Speaker 03

  You said throwing yourself into.

• 23:33Tom Segura?

  Well, it's an expression. It means that like today, for instance, you could go home and go, I'm going to drive, uh, you know,

• 23:43Tom Segura?

  five blocks further than I normally would. And you start to make progress that way. The next day you go a little further, like, you know, throw yourself into it like.

• 23:50Speaker 03

  That's a good idea.

• 23:51Tom Segura?

  Well, there you go. You could try that.

• 23:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you drive before when you lived in Florida?

• 23:56Speaker 03

  In Vero?

• 23:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 23:57Speaker 03

  I drove all over.

• 23:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  So what's the difference?

• 23:59Speaker 03

  This is the difference.

• 24:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 24:00Speaker 03

  But I don't have expressways or highways or the mopack. All of a sudden I was in the mopack. I didn't tell you what I did, but anyway.

• 24:09Speaker 03

  You take your left or you take your right? You go straight, you take your left and you arrive at your destination. That's how it is.

• 24:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you don't have to take Mopac to get, because you guys literally live just down the street from like, you got everything. You got the grocery store, you got the Starbucks, you got the thing.

• 24:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's no highways to get to that.

• 24:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no highways, bro.

• 24:29Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 24:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  T O.

• 24:30Tom Segura?

  T O, go ahead.

• 24:32Speaker 03

  I decided I need to mail a letter that I never arrived and it was important to send it. So I put it in an envelope. I got out and I said, I'm gonna be brave because I asked Jen if she will do it. And she told me, you can do it. It's close. So I put my, como se llama la mujer que habla?

• 24:51Tom Segura?

  Like the Siri or the?

• 24:52Speaker 03

  Yeah. To take me to the closest post office. Okay? Take no se cuanto, go to your right. Once you're in your right, turn to your left. Keep going. Take your left, take your right, and then on the other side, I am in the expressway. So I am in the expressway, Corazón de Jesús, let me make it to the post office.

• 25:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 25:14Speaker 03

  I don't know how many, and then you get out of that expressway to take you to a different expressway. Now you go to, I think it's 183, and then you keep going, then you take your left and say, what in the world? 20 minutes driving for a post office?

• 25:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that doesn't seem right.

• 25:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you something? This is, this is the beginning of the end. You gotta, you gotta face this fear. My mom, uh, well, I turned 28, put it this way. I turned 28, I was working in Burbank, California, okay? My mother calls me, she goes, I cannot come see you for your birthday. I said, why? I cannot drive on the freeway and there is no parking in Burbank. I'm like, this is patently false. There's nothing but parking in Burbank. And can I tell you, it, it, it was that stuff, the first of the, I can't, I can't go on the freeway. I get, you get scared and then, and then she became a shut-in. Do you know what I'm saying?

• 26:05Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah, you've, you're already well on your way, though.

• 26:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  You think you're shut in already?

• 26:09Tom Segura?

  This is.

• 26:10Speaker 03

  And the, and the 40, how many years I'm being United States?

• 26:13Tom Segura?

  115, yeah.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  In the 50 years I'm being in, in the 50 years I'm being in the United States, I have never, ever, ever got in any expressway.

• 26:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah, this is very, very far along. I mean, also, don't forget, this is somebody very high in withdrawal, very high in avoidance, you know what I mean?

• 26:32Speaker 03

  So, I came to Austin to go to the post office and I ended in the expressway.

• 26:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've never driven on a freeway in America?

• 26:40Speaker 03

  Ever, never.

• 26:42Speaker 00

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• 27:11Speaker 06

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• 27:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's time we break this. This isn't...

• 27:44Speaker 03

  You want to be in the news about your sister-in-law?

• 27:47Tom Segura?

  Your sister-in-law?

• 27:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 27:49Speaker 03

  I'm not her...

• 27:50Tom Segura?

  Your mother-in-law, yeah.

• 27:51Speaker 03

  Your mother-in-law, which is worse. Unfortunately, we pushed her to get in there.

• 27:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 27:57Speaker 03

  And now we give her a nice goodbye. Lots of flowers there.

• 28:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta drive on the freeway. You gotta drive on the freeway. Why don't you have a drink before to relax you a little bit?

• 28:09Speaker 03

  You really want to finish with me?

• 28:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 28:12Speaker 03

  Not only getting the freeway, but be sure to have a drink before.

• 28:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  To relax you, so you're not so nervous?

• 28:16Speaker 03

  No, no, so I don't have a-

• 28:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or take a Xanax or five, just take something.

• 28:19Speaker 03

  Anything that put me to sleep.

• 28:21Tom Segura?

  We should do it in a car that can move, too. Like, you know what I mean? Like, let's get you in something that rips.

• 28:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Rips, like a Ferrari or something?

• 28:33Speaker 03

  Why don't you try to do it with a pill and just finish with me instead of making me in a car, going through the whole process?

• 28:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why do you think we want you dead?

• 28:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  We've got nothing to gain by your death, you know that? We don't want your money, we don't want-

• 28:46Speaker 03

  You got my paintings?

• 28:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, I did get your painting.

• 28:48Speaker 03

  You get my-

• 28:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  The beautiful homeless man that I've been admiring for 25 years.

• 28:52Speaker 03

  He told me, takes me home today.

• 28:54Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:55Speaker 03

  You take the painting with you.

• 28:56Tom Segura?

  Okay, and then-

• 28:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's the artist's name? Again, I'm sorry. Victor Hugo.

• 29:01Speaker 03

  Victor Martinez.

• 29:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Will you look up Victor Martinez? Homeless man painting, I'm just curious.

• 29:06Speaker 03

  No homeless guy painting.

• 29:09Tom Segura?

  It's not gonna come- It's not gonna-

• 29:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 29:11Speaker 03

  It's not going to come, like, put Victor Martinez in paintings. Painter, say it.

• 29:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Painter, yeah.

• 29:17Speaker 03

  Artist.

• 29:17Tom Segura?

  Artist, yeah.

• 29:19Speaker 03

  And let her know.

• 29:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Peruvian arti- yeah. There's this haunting painting that's, I've been admiring for so many years in your home, and she just said that she'd give it to me, but that was three days ago, and so far it's not in our house.

• 29:32Speaker 03

  She didn't say she'd give it to me, she says-

• 29:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I have it already?

• 29:34Speaker 03

  She says, "I want this."

• 29:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 29:36Speaker 03

  And I said-

• 29:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not how it happened.

• 29:38Tom Segura?

  That's not him.

• 29:39Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh.

• 29:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is not how it happened.

• 29:41Speaker 03

  I want this for my birthday.

• 29:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do?

• 29:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, you say it, and your birthday-

• 29:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, where is it? My birthday was in June, and-

• 29:47Speaker 03

  That's what I mean, it has to come, because your birthday was in June and I didn't give you a gift.

• 29:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where's my painting?

• 29:53Speaker 03

  Come and get it, I told-

• 29:54Tom Segura?

  That's the one, I think, the, the, the one that's dead, right? Malaga. Victor Martinez Malaga, isn't that him?

• 30:01Speaker 03

  Can I see him?

• 30:02Tom Segura?

  Or no?

• 30:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, Peruvian, yeah.

• 30:04Speaker 03

  He died?

• 30:06Tom Segura?

  Is this the one?

• 30:07Speaker 03

  I know as Victor Martinez, I didn't know the Malaga part.

• 30:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, okay. I don't know. Maybe it's a different Martinez.

• 30:13Speaker 03

  No, it's called just Victor Martinez.

• 30:14Tom Segura?

  Oh, the, probably the one that you found the result where it said born in 1932. The-

• 30:24Speaker 03

  That should be the one.

• 30:24Tom Segura?

  That's the one?

• 30:25Speaker 03

  I think, yes, because of the.

• 30:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh yeah, because look at the homeless person in the painting.

• 30:28Speaker 03

  That's what I was looking, yeah.

• 30:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's perfect. And it's neat because this guy drew four portraits of the same homeless man. And I, I find his eyes haunting. I have for years and I would just love to have that in our home.

• 30:40Speaker 03

  He's amazing.

• 30:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 30:41Speaker 03

  That painting talks to you.

• 30:42Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 30:43Speaker 03

  I never saw a painting that is so. It looks like a picture.

• 30:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  What does it say to you? What do you, what do you feel? I'm saying, what is it, what does it do for you?

• 30:54Speaker 03

  Like he's a poor person.

• 30:58Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 31:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you, you like it because you, you can go, I'm not poor like you, dirtbag. And you feel better about yourself?

• 31:06Speaker 03

  And then I look at him and I said, if you will only know my sister-in-law.

• 31:11Tom Segura?

  Sister?

• 31:12Speaker 03

  My, excuse me, well, it's like a sister, so we're almost the same age, it's only fifty years difference.

• 31:19Speaker 03

  But you know, if you would know her.

• 31:21Tom Segura?

  Wait, soft, speak softer.

• 31:23Speaker 03

  Excuse me, if you will only know. My daughter-in-law.

• 31:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 31:29Speaker 03

  She's so sexy.

• 31:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah.

• 31:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:31Speaker 03

  And she says, you're better painter ever.

• 31:34Tom Segura?

  Better?

• 31:34Speaker 03

  She's stealing the paintings from my house.

• 31:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stealing a painting?

• 31:37Speaker 03

  Since there is no way to get you. Pat, you are the best. Now, can we publish a little bit about you and your fame because she's a little bit ignorant, but we're going to teach her.

• 31:49Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 31:50Speaker 03

  He lived for a while in Las Vegas, by the way.

• 31:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, your favorite town.

• 31:53Speaker 03

  No, no, no, in Los Angeles.

• 31:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, he did?

• 31:56Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 31:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:57Tom Segura?

  Here, check this out, mom. Aw, damn. So this guy.

• 32:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  He trains dogs. He can train your dog to go outside.

• 32:07Tom Segura?

  Did you hear that, Pedro? So, we haven't seen him in years. This guy. Sniff that one. Okay?

• 32:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:14Tom Segura?

  We haven't seen him in years. He, he would do stuff like this. Aw, shit. Like, make these videos.

• 32:22Tom Segura?

  I know, so.

• 32:25Speaker 03

  But that's a disgrace. But he trains his dog this way. The dog loves it.

• 32:28Tom Segura?

  But do you see him?

• 32:29Speaker 03

  But do you ever elevate the quality of your show? Or it's always going to be fart and peros and.

• 32:35Tom Segura?

  Well, I'm trying to tell you something. I'm trying to share something with you.

• 32:39Speaker 03

  But you're not sharing anything so far.

• 32:40Tom Segura?

  You see him, right? You see him?

• 32:42Speaker 03

  Yes, I think he's bad. I don't see him.

• 32:45Tom Segura?

  So, oh, here, like here. This is his old.

• 32:49Speaker 07

  Fart in some stockings.

• 32:51Speaker 03

  That doesn't make me laugh. Hold on, it's Christmas. It's a Christmas.

• 32:53Tom Segura?

  It's Christmas. So, he's farting in the stockings, okay?

• 33:02Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 33:03Speaker 03

  Hold on, let him finish.

• 33:04Tom Segura?

  Hold on, hold on.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  That's all you do. Gaga.

• 33:09Tom Segura?

  No.

• 33:12Tom Segura?

  But you see what he looks like, is my point, right? And this is how we knew him. And we knew him like this before Ellis was born. That's how long ago.

• 33:21Speaker 03

  We've had a relationship.

• 33:22Tom Segura?

  And then he kind of, we didn't hear from him. And we didn't see him forever. And then two weeks ago, he reemerged. Look at him now.

• 33:34Speaker 07

  Next time, we're just gonna put all these in a funnel and just funnel it down my throat. And gulp pudding all fucking day.

• 33:43Speaker 03

  It was upside down.

• 33:46Tom Segura?

  Isn't that crazy? Look how much bigger he is.

• 33:48Speaker 03

  Do you notice the difference?

• 33:52Speaker 03

  This is the same guy?

• 33:53Tom Segura?

  Same guy.

• 33:56Speaker 03

  How sad.

• 33:59Speaker 03

  Hi, Tommy.

• 34:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's doing stuff like this now, making a fortune. Making a fortune, because people want to watch him eat.

• 34:08Speaker 03

  Kind of makes you think, right?

• 34:09Tom Segura?

  It makes you think.

• 34:11Speaker 03

  So I should be just farting and eating? We didn't say it.

• 34:14Tom Segura?

  We've been saying this for years.

• 34:15Speaker 03

  And becoming like this?

• 34:16Tom Segura?

  Yes. Also, you're already 81. It's like.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  Dale con 81.

• 34:21Tom Segura?

  Or 80. Like, how much longer?

• 34:24Speaker 03

  I never hit anybody with eating.

• 34:25Tom Segura?

  Why slow things down?

• 34:26Speaker 03

  The time is now, Charlie.

• 34:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:28Speaker 03

  The time is over.

• 34:29Tom Segura?

  There you are.

• 34:31Tom Segura?

  You're on the freeway.

• 34:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  You look great in that new car.

• 34:39Speaker 03

  Oh, and you get me a convertible.

• 34:42Tom Segura?

  Hell, yeah. It's such a good idea.

• 34:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you have to go on Mopak with it.

• 34:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  If we get you a convertible, you have to drive on Mopak.

• 34:48Speaker 03

  It's a promise.

• 34:50Tom Segura?

  Do you want to see this prank?

• 34:51Speaker 03

  No, I want to talk about cars now.

• 34:53Tom Segura?

  Okay, cars.

• 34:54Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 34:57Speaker 03

  The, what is the car that I have to?

• 35:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Huh?

• 35:04Speaker 03

  I want to talk about a car that I would like to have.

• 35:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  The cat?

• 35:06Tom Segura?

  You want to talk about a cat you would like to have?

• 35:08Speaker 03

  A car.

• 35:08Tom Segura?

  Oh, a car, okay.

• 35:12Speaker 03

  How about a convertible?

• 35:16Speaker 03

  Maybe I did.

• 35:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah, those are cool.

• 35:18Speaker 03

  Are they safe?

• 35:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they're super safe.

• 35:20Speaker 03

  Picture me in my convertible.

• 35:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like that.

• 35:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah. I remember when you had a convertible.

• 35:26Speaker 03

  I know.

• 35:26Tom Segura?

  The very fir-, it was such a huge thing in our

• 35:29Speaker 03

  I know.

• 35:29Tom Segura?

  house. My dad got her a Chrysler LeBaron convertible, and you got the personalized license plate.

• 35:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  You did? What did it say?

• 35:38Tom Segura?

  Charo.

• 35:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's so nice. So people knew it was you coming.

• 35:42Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. They're like, here comes Charo.

• 35:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here comes Charo. Did you like it?

• 35:47Tom Segura?

  No freeways.

• 35:47Speaker 03

  I love it, and the kids love it.

• 35:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's super fun.

• 35:50Speaker 03

  But now I will take this place away. That's a promise.

• 35:54Tom Segura?

  That's a promise. You and some of the staff went shopping.

• 35:59Speaker 03

  Well, you're changing the topic of my car, so let's go one step at a time.

• 36:03Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 36:04Speaker 03

  How about to get me a convertible, I say?

• 36:06Tom Segura?

  No, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. You can do it.

• 36:11Speaker 03

  Okay, change the topic, because you want to go out to shopping. Your staff and I went shopping.

• 36:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:17Speaker 03

  We were very limited. We were trying to be decent.

• 36:20Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  So we buy the least we can and the most.

• 36:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Very limited. What budget did you have?

• 36:26Speaker 03

  He didn't tell me the budget, but we were very considerate.

• 36:29Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 36:30Speaker 03

  So we bought like this blouse.

• 36:33Tom Segura?

  You guys know what you ended up spending?

• 36:35Speaker 03

  Very little.

• 36:37Tom Segura?

  No? Very little? That's just the summary?

• 36:39Speaker 03

  The equivalent of one outfit for Christina.

• 36:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 36:43Tom Segura?

  That still is a pretty vague way of saying what was spent. You don't know what was spent? Nobody knows?

• 36:49Speaker 03

  No, it wasn't that much. We went to Nordstrom.

• 36:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  Perdona lo señor. We bought like three, like warm up pants, like the pants I'm wearing right now. I mean.

• 37:03Tom Segura?

  How much was spent?

• 37:05Speaker 08

  I think around twenty-five hundred?

• 37:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh wow, that's a lot of scratch for clothes?

• 37:11Speaker 03

  No.

• 37:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he bought sweatpants?

• 37:13Speaker 03

  Fifteen hundred.

• 37:14Tom Segura?

  Oh, so you think Josh just added a thousand for no reason?

• 37:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, because he has fun saying those. He's making it up.

• 37:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, wow.

• 37:22Speaker 03

  I know it was fifteen hundred.

• 37:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would you, would you, hold on, that doesn't sound, can I tell you something? Josh is one of the most honest people on our staff.

• 37:30Tom Segura?

  He's actually the most well-adjusted person on the entire staff, clinically speaking.

• 37:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you accusing him of lying?

• 37:35Speaker 03

  How does Josh know?

• 37:37Tom Segura?

  Um, do you want to pull this now, or?

• 37:39Speaker 03

  How does Josh know?

• 37:40Tom Segura?

  How does Josh knows? I don't know. Ask Josh.

• 37:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's the manager here. He knows all the finances.

• 37:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, but he can make up the numbers.

• 37:46Tom Segura?

  He can make it up. He can make it up.

• 37:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  But why would he?

• 37:49Speaker 03

  I don't know. Ask Josh.

• 37:51Tom Segura?

  And ethnically speaking, his people are known to make up numbers.

• 37:56Speaker 03

  Oh, that is your answer.

• 37:58Tom Segura?

  There's your answer.

• 37:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you, do you, you know, I, I just, I made an observation. I noticed that every time you come in here, it's like, it's, it's a plea to get stuff, you know, like last time it was like, are we gonna go, you did the show, and then you were like, are we gonna go buy a washer dryer now? And we were like, wait.

• 38:16Speaker 03

  By the way, by the way.

• 38:17Tom Segura?

  I need to go get cosmetics.

• 38:18Speaker 03

  Excuse me.

• 38:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's always.

• 38:20Speaker 03

  Thank you for touching the topic.

• 38:22Tom Segura?

  Thank you for touching the topic.

• 38:23Speaker 03

  Because he find now, and he mentioned, I just find now, I'm buying a washer and dryer. Thanks a lot. It cost me three thousand. I pay with my money.

• 38:31Tom Segura?

  Cool.

• 38:32Speaker 03

  And I didn't buy even the stunts because I didn't have money to buy the stunts. So I have to bend down, think of my edge, so don't ask you for the three hundred for the stunt.

• 38:42Tom Segura?

  I don't understand. Why can't you get the stunts?

• 38:44Speaker 03

  Because it's three hundred each, it's six hundred, and I didn't have enough to buy the washer and dryer. That wasn't in my book. However, you announced that I just find now I'm buying a washer and dryer. Well, guess what? I bought the washer and dryer.

• 38:58Tom Segura?

  We're proud of you.

• 38:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, good job.

• 39:01Speaker 03

  Way to go, Charlie.

• 39:02Tom Segura?

  Way to go.

• 39:03Speaker 03

  I told me, I tell you one thing I want to do.

• 39:05Tom Segura?

  Uh, let me, does it involve me purchasing something?

• 39:08Speaker 03

  Well, it involves you an investment in the house.

• 39:11Tom Segura?

  Investment, okay.

• 39:12Speaker 03

  Because this house eventually you're going to rent it. Let me explain, let me explain. The shower is this big.

• 39:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  There comes some manipulation.

• 39:20Speaker 03

  And the bathtub is this big. So the idea will be to knock out the bathtub and just make the shower longer.

• 39:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is...

• 39:31Speaker 03

  I'm talking to Tommy.

• 39:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

• 39:34Speaker 03

  Can I have your blessings, please, Tommy?

• 39:36Tom Segura?

  Um, at the moment, no. I got a lot of things, I'm all tied up, kinda, kinda jammed up right now with a lot of things.

• 39:44Speaker 03

  Because she told you to say that.

• 39:45Tom Segura?

  She didn't tell me to say anything. Just can't do stuff like that, you know, I got a lot of things going on.

• 39:50Speaker 03

  Stuff like that?

• 39:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I got things going on.

• 39:52Speaker 03

  Well, you thought you bought a washer and dryer?

• 39:55Tom Segura?

  I didn't think I bought it.

• 39:56Speaker 03

  Yes, you say it in the, in the iPad, I, I heard you, in one of your pots. You say it in your iPad and I bought it. So can we trade that for knocking that bathtub that is a decoration and me being able to move in my shower that is this big?

• 40:12Tom Segura?

  Would you like to hear your psychiatric evaluation results?

• 40:15Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 40:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit, I mean, are we doing it? Should we call the doctor?

• 40:20Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 40:21Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  I'm dying to know.

• 40:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you serious? You're, okay.

• 40:24Tom Segura?

  No, you don't want to, you don't...

• 40:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wanna do it.

• 40:26Speaker 03

  I want, definitely want to do it.

• 40:28Tom Segura?

  Okay. All right, so, of the seventeen people that took the test that were here in the office.

• 40:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's ask her first, where do you think you ranked out of, on a scale of from one to seventeen, the, the top, the one, being, um, what is it, the least healthiest?

• 40:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Seventeen being the healthiest, where do you think in the lineup you would be?

• 40:55Speaker 03

  Two.

• 40:56Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 40:58Speaker 03

  For real?

• 40:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You were number two.

• 41:07Tom Segura?

  You were number two. Yeah.

• 41:09Speaker 03

  I was, I was trying to make a joke so you can laugh at it.

• 41:13Tom Segura?

  The number one was a very traumatized young man who's not here today. Then you were two. And then it goes down to the healthiest person who was Josh.

• 41:25Speaker 03

  Josh is the healthiest?

• 41:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:28Speaker 03

  You have to teach me, Josh.

• 41:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  So Tanner was number one most troubled and the therapist recommended therapy for him. And she asked if he was a veteran, like if he'd been a combat veteran because he exhibited that much signs of trauma.

• 41:45Speaker 03

  Which one was this?

• 41:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Number one and your number two.

• 41:49Speaker 03

  Now, which one was Tanner?

• 41:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tanner.

• 41:51Tom Segura?

  Tanner, yeah, he's not here today.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 41:53Tom Segura?

  But he's one of our.

• 41:54Speaker 03

  Okay, well, tell me everything.

• 41:57Tom Segura?

  So, um, you, uh, when you have results, they are either insignificant, elevated, or what they call clinically significant. And when something is clinically significant, it means that somewhat alarming brings that awareness to the therapist and then they want to talk to the person more to find out how concerned they should be. You are clinically significant in two major categories.

• 42:30Tom Segura?

  Uh, negative affectivity and dishabitationism. You're in the 99th percentile in both.

• 42:40Speaker 03

  What?

• 42:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Congratulations.

• 42:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's pretty cool.

• 42:43Speaker 03

  Negative. Put it back.

• 42:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, affectivity, you can see it there. You're, you actually are almost at 100%, which is so clinically significant, there isn't a category past it.

• 42:53Speaker 03

  What does that mean, they are negative affectivity?

• 42:56Tom Segura?

  Well, if we scroll down, you can see the actual breakdown of things. So anxiousness, you're at 100%. Emotional lability, you're in the 90th percentile. And separation and security, you're over, um, almost at the 100%.

• 43:12Speaker 03

  Get through.

• 43:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, uh, your withdrawal is at over 90%. Your manipulativeness is over 90%.

• 43:19Speaker 03

  Manipulativeness?

• 43:21Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 43:22Speaker 03

  Why didn't I get for you even to get my shower?

• 43:24Tom Segura?

  Distractibility, you're at 100%, which is in the next category. Impulsivity, almost at 100%. You're not psychotic.

• 43:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's nice. Congratulations.

• 43:40Tom Segura?

  Pretty great. Yeah. And here's your scores. You're not schizotypal, you're not weirdo, you're not too, well, you are antisocial, but you know, you're elevated. You're not a psychopath. Your borderline score is nearly off the charts. You're not a narcissist, your avoidance is nearly off the charts.

• 44:02Speaker 03

  I'm a narcissist?

• 44:03Tom Segura?

  I said, no, you're not a narcissist. No. But you have two clinically significant results there. And yeah, you can see there, borderline, you mean you're essentially been diagnosed as a borderline. You're antisocial and you're avoidant. But you're not narcissistic.

• 44:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 44:21Tom Segura?

  And you're not obsessive compulsive and you're not schizotypal, which means you're not a weirdo. You're not eccentric, you just have, you know, severe personality defects.

• 44:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  If it makes you any happier, I'm schizotypal.

• 44:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, she registers high on that.

• 44:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Very high. I've considered a...

• 44:42Tom Segura?

  And I also registers high on antisocial, which may be genetic. And then I also have a higher antisocial with psychopathy.

• 44:51Speaker 03

  So we're all antisocials here?

• 44:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we're all antisocials, yeah, yeah.

• 44:56Speaker 03

  As you can see.

• 44:57Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 44:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Pretty cool, right?

• 45:01Speaker 03

  Pretty cool.

• 45:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think Tanner, I mean, like I said, Tanner was recommended to go to therapy. Is that something you would consider doing?

• 45:14Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 45:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 45:16Speaker 03

  What is he going to do for me?

• 45:18Tom Segura?

  Well, you don't know, we're not the therapists, but that's what people do is, you're, it looks like your hostility, your impulsivity, your irresponsibility...

• 45:26Speaker 03

  Go slow, because you're going, you're impulsivity, you're...

• 45:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:31Speaker 03

  Go slow.

• 45:31Tom Segura?

  Okay. Well, your antisocial stuff is pretty clear. Yeah. The real thing is your borderline stuff.

• 45:39Speaker 03

  I am antisocial.

• 45:40Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 45:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  We know that, yeah.

• 45:42Tom Segura?

  Your borderline stuff is out of control. I mean, that is obviously like, you're probably your most notable category.

• 45:50Speaker 03

  Which one is that?

• 45:51Tom Segura?

  Borderline, where it combines anxiousness, emotional liability, hostility and impulsivity, and separation and security. You scored really high.

• 46:01Speaker 03

  I'm a monster.

• 46:02Tom Segura?

  No, not a monster. You know, it's just a...

• 46:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Does that resonate with you? Do you feel like that's accurate?

• 46:10Speaker 03

  Well, I know I'm scared to be alone.

• 46:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:15Speaker 03

  I don't like when a man comes in my house if I am alone. That's really tremendous anxiety.

• 46:24Speaker 03

  I am extremely antisocial. I am very insecure.

• 46:34Speaker 03

  I actually avoid making friends. Not because I avoid, it's because my insecurity

• 46:42Speaker 03

  create my friends because my friends approach me and became friends, but I don't go and...

• 46:48Tom Segura?

  Make friends, yeah.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  No.

• 46:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:51Speaker 03

  It's part of the insecurities. I am...

• 46:56Speaker 03

  They'll ask me questions because I can see from here.

• 47:00Tom Segura?

  Let's go, is there another category underneath this? Yeah, you're not OCD. You're not obsessive compulsive.

• 47:08Tom Segura?

  Withdrawn, which makes sense. Anxiousness, which makes sense.

• 47:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Distractability is...

• 47:12Tom Segura?

  Very high.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  Hundred percent.

• 47:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're very, very high.

• 47:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Very distracted.

• 47:16Speaker 03

  I am so distracted that it breaks the rule of the hundred percent.

• 47:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  I can't focus on one thing. Like, I can be in the bathroom and trying to fix this, but this belongs to the kitchen, so I go to the kitchen. While I'm in the kitchen, I find something that is from the laundry room. So I don't finish one task. I never finish one room. And I'm being suffering with this because I'm being aware all the time and I can't help it.

• 47:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're being aware all the time, is that what you said?

• 47:42Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 47:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Aware?

• 47:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're, um, you actually could not have a higher score on distractability. It's the highest possible score.

• 47:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:50Tom Segura?

  And you're also in the highest possible score for impulsivity. You're almost there with emotional liability. You are there with anxiousness.

• 47:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:01Tom Segura?

  Got a nice treat there on intimacy avoidance and irresponsibility and manipulativeness. You're...

• 48:08Tom Segura?

  Significant in all of them.

• 48:09Speaker 03

  Intimacy, avoidance is why I am so high.

• 48:12Tom Segura?

  Oh, no, sorry. That's the wrong, um, no, just irresponsibility, hostility, impulsivity.

• 48:20Speaker 03

  Hostility, have high in hostility?

• 48:22Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 48:23Speaker 03

  What is hostility?

• 48:25Tom Segura?

  Kind of what you're doing right now.

• 48:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Remember, remember a few minutes ago when you were like, I'm talking to Tom, not you?

• 48:30Tom Segura?

  That's kind of hostile.

• 48:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  You said that to me, kind of hurt my feelings a little bit. Not gonna lie.

• 48:34Speaker 03

  Tommy is hostile too. Tommy is called high in hostility.

• 48:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's deflection.

• 48:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's called being deflective. You're, you're pushing it on somebody else now.

• 48:43Speaker 03

  She doesn't have that, you do.

• 48:48Tom Segura?

  Good, this is good.

• 48:49Speaker 03

  I have elevated in my.

• 48:52Tom Segura?

  Manipulativeness, yes. You're a master manipulator. This is, this is only what people say who know you, though.

• 48:59Speaker 03

  Like you?

• 49:00Tom Segura?

  Like, well, yeah, I think your children would, would all be like, is it only 92?

• 49:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you feel like, but do you feel like you can get people to do things for you? Do you feel like that? And that's, that can be a really positive skill. Look, all this isn't to be negative. Sometimes these traits work in your benefit. Some of our greatest employees, our greatest staff members are, are lit up too. So this doesn't mean like you're a bad person. It just means like these are your traits. So manipulativeness can be great if you're a lawyer or a salesperson.

• 49:36Tom Segura?

  Podcast host?

• 49:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Podcasting host. Do you feel like you get what you want from people?

• 49:43Speaker 03

  From Tommy.

• 49:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  From Tommy, you do?

• 49:47Speaker 03

  Because he loved me, not because I'm manipulative. He said, he says, she's 81.

• 49:52Tom Segura?

  Could you move the?

• 49:54Speaker 03

  She's 81 even when I'm 80.

• 49:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:57Speaker 03

  And I know he loved me.

• 49:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know he loves you.

• 49:59Speaker 03

  So it's not that I abuse it, but I ask him with almost a 90% share that he's going to tell me okay.

• 50:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you know that he loves you and that's why you ask? Is that what you're saying?

• 50:09Speaker 03

  No.

• 50:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know he'll give it to you, that's why.

• 50:11Speaker 03

  No, I know that he loved me and he will try if he can. If hasn't seen that, and I literally know that he can, I'm talking monetary. But if he see like that's enough.

• 50:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 50:23Speaker 03

  He would say no, like I ask him if I can go shopping again. And a big no came. I ask him about my shower, even though I'm gonna fall down in that shower because there's no place to hold. And if it's me, so if I get a lower, he can get in the shower.

• 50:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  And what about the casino trips?

• 50:39Speaker 03

  Oh my god. Tommy, I can leave from casino to casino.

• 50:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 03

  If you want your mind to die happy.

• 50:46Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 50:47Speaker 03

  Send me to one casino.

• 50:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Only if you want her to die happy.

• 50:50Tom Segura?

  You know what we'll do about the convertible? If you can drive a convertible from Austin to Lake Charles, Louisiana. You can have that, you can have that car. I'm serious. I'm serious.

• 51:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's such a good idea.

• 51:03Speaker 03

  I saw he was going to say if you can drive the converter from your house to all the way in the expressway. You can have the convertible, which it will be.

• 51:10Tom Segura?

  That's what I said.

• 51:11Speaker 03

  No, not to annoy town.

• 51:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do it.

• 51:14Tom Segura?

  The road trip. You're eighty one, you can fricking take a road.

• 51:17Speaker 03

  Dale con el eighty one.

• 51:19Tom Segura?

  You're eighty, you can take a road trip.

• 51:24Tom Segura?

  Here, check this out. Look at this screen.

• 51:37Speaker 03

  They broke his back.

• 51:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He threw a hundred pound bag at him. Hundred pounds of cement. Yeah.

• 51:43Speaker 03

  That's so mean.

• 51:44Tom Segura?

  I know, I hate when they put these clips in here.

• 51:47Speaker 03

  I know, I can tell that's why you showed them.

• 51:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Only nice stuff, we told you this. She doesn't like this violent stuff, you guys.

• 52:00Speaker 03

  This is horrendous.

• 52:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  I agree.

• 52:02Tom Segura?

  Shit. That one was crazy.

• 52:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Terrible. Why are you guys putting this stuff in here?

• 52:07Tom Segura?

  That was really crazy.

• 52:09Speaker 03

  You know what? Didn't you? I have a question.

• 52:15Speaker 03

  I need to stop for a second.

• 52:18Tom Segura?

  What's that?

• 52:18Speaker 03

  Didn't your test camps, like you enjoy watching tragedies and people just being killed?

• 52:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's the high psychopathy antisocial stuff.

• 52:27Tom Segura?

  A little bit, yeah.

• 52:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 52:29Speaker 03

  He came high in that.

• 52:30Tom Segura?

  Not that high. No, it was elevated, not, it was not clinically significant.

• 52:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  But elevated, so you were almost into clinical territory.

• 52:38Tom Segura?

  I don't think it was close to clinical territory.

• 52:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it's elevated.

• 52:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, elevated.

• 52:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  So that's one step under clinical.

• 52:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but elevated is also over 50 are elevated.

• 52:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Over the norm.

• 52:48Speaker 03

  Christina, the fact that he's fighting it to tell you no, that means he knows he is.

• 52:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's out of his mind, yeah. Well, he, he, every night, it's something violent, it's something awful, it's war, it's Hitler, it's... And then he says to me, "You gotta, you gotta watch this movie." I know it's violent, I don't want to watch it this morning.

• 53:09Tom Segura?

  That's what my dad did too.

• 53:10Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 53:10Tom Segura?

  Every single day.

• 53:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 53:12Tom Segura?

  And every night.

• 53:13Speaker 03

  Every night.

• 53:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Horrors, you're falling asleep to, yeah.

• 53:17Speaker 03

  "Hi baby, come here, we have a show." Forty-eight hours, killing in the street.

• 53:22Tom Segura?

  Mom, Mike.

• 53:24Speaker 03

  Forty-eight hours, killing in the street, all the day. And that's how I go to sleep. And he, and then he gets tired and he's like, "Okay, I'm going to bed." And he turned the TV off without asking me, "Are you watching?" But he only called me to let me know, "We have a show to watch."

• 53:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I'm sorry.

• 53:40Speaker 03

  No, that's okay.

• 53:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  But can I tell you what's so sick now?

• 53:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that now, I can't fall asleep unless Tom is watching something violent and terrible. So now I go, "Are you gonna watch your awful thing?" Because I can't fall asleep unless he's next to me enjoying awful things.

• 53:59Speaker 03

  You have trained here.

• 54:00Tom Segura?

  It's pretty good, it's a good deal.

• 54:02Speaker 03

  Very dominant.

• 54:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, very dominant.

• 54:16Speaker 03

  Oh my god, he broke his waist, all his bones.

• 54:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  All of them.

• 54:20Speaker 03

  That was horrendous.

• 54:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  All the bones were broken, dude. Dude, that guy is, that guy is not okay, right?

• 54:42Speaker 03

  Is that a dog?

• 54:43Tom Segura?

  It's a lion.

• 54:44Speaker 03

  It's a lion?

• 54:45Tom Segura?

  It's a lion, yeah.

• 54:48Speaker 03

  Bobby, you're going to eat him.

• 54:54Tom Segura?

  He's just joking with his employees and he put a, he released a lion on them. Yeah, it's something that I have dreamed about. I have wanted to do this so bad.

• 55:04Speaker 03

  You will, I know you.

• 55:05Tom Segura?

  I'm trying to. I actually reached out to an animal rescue guy about doing this here at the office and, and they just, we couldn't work it out. But this is such a cool thing.

• 55:16Speaker 03

  I think he's a monster.

• 55:19Speaker 03

  Because the only fun he has.

• 55:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. Torture.

• 55:23Speaker 03

  Torture.

• 55:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:25Speaker 03

  Torture give you joy.

• 55:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:28Speaker 03

  Well, you torture yourself. That would be more joy.

• 55:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  He does like to torture himself with the fasting and the cold plunging and the...

• 55:36Speaker 03

  Are you still with the fasting?

• 55:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's been 10 days.

• 55:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:42Speaker 03

  10 days?

• 55:43Tom Segura?

  Hmm, not quite. But yeah, I haven't, I still haven't eaten.

• 55:50Speaker 03

  That's why he says not to me to go shopping or buy me a car.

• 55:53Tom Segura?

  No, I'm just thinking clearly. You need to get a lot of clear thoughts.

• 55:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's pushing for a month now. Because he loves it so much, he's gonna go a month.

• 56:00Tom Segura?

  I wanna see if I can do 30 days.

• 56:02Speaker 03

  What is the purpose?

• 56:03Tom Segura?

  Just to see if you can do it. Just to like, I like the suffering, you know? Like to see if you can, how, what, what level of suffering you can deal with.

• 56:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then he's gonna make the staff do it. They all have to do it.

• 56:14Speaker 03

  They don't have to.

• 56:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, they do. They're gonna get fired if they don't.

• 56:17Tom Segura?

  No, but they can't work here.

• 56:18Speaker 03

  You cannot force the staff.

• 56:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Absolutely. Guys, aren't we starting it next week?

• 56:22Speaker 03

  You know what, guys? Quit.

• 56:24Tom Segura?

  Unfortunately, yes.

• 56:26Speaker 03

  They should quit.

• 56:27Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 56:27Speaker 03

  Let's see what you do.

• 56:29Tom Segura?

  Just find new people?

• 56:30Speaker 03

  You will never got them.

• 56:32Tom Segura?

  Why?

• 56:33Speaker 03

  Because they have the best.

• 56:35Tom Segura?

  I mean, I wouldn't.

• 56:37Tom Segura?

  They're fine.

• 56:39Speaker 03

  You're not going to make them do that.

• 56:41Tom Segura?

  I mean, if they want to work here. Yeah.

• 56:45Speaker 03

  I never heard in office and with the man I forced the people to go on a diet of water. Oh, you don't work here.

• 56:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but it's a different time. It's 2025.

• 56:52Speaker 03

  I only quit, but I will sue you.

• 56:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can't do that.

• 56:56Tom Segura?

  Thanks for giving them that idea, but the whole thing is I want, and I mean this respectfully. I want them to look better, you know?

• 57:03Speaker 03

  Why? They look great.

• 57:04Tom Segura?

  Well, they look fine.

• 57:05Speaker 03

  Why don't you shave? I want you to look better.

• 57:08Tom Segura?

  Um, but I'm doing the water fat and that's what I'm trying to get them to do. It's like, hey, let's get a little trimmer, you know, let's look a little better.

• 57:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Summer.

• 57:16Tom Segura?

  Summer, I want, I want to see summer bodies when I come in here.

• 57:19Speaker 03

  Why don't you do it, Christina?

• 57:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I don't have to. I'm already perfect. I don't have to. He doesn't make me do it. He like, he like loves me.

• 57:27Tom Segura?

  You know who sent in a tape asking if they could work here? Asking if they could have a job? Right here.

• 57:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:45Speaker 03

  He wants to get a job doing what? Licking your envelopes?

• 57:47Tom Segura?

  I don't know, but they were like, do you want to hire her? And I said, well, bring her in, let's see what she's like.

• 57:53Speaker 03

  They had, we have a lot of mail. They have been in charge.

• 57:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 57:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  She seems nice.

• 57:58Tom Segura?

  She does seem nice.

• 57:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  She had a good interview too.

• 58:00Tom Segura?

  Here's, um, um, look at this. The largest, on record, fossilized.

• 58:09Tom Segura?

  Caca in the world.

• 58:12Speaker 03

  What?

• 58:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:14Speaker 03

  They saved it?

• 58:14Tom Segura?

  They saved it, yeah.

• 58:17Tom Segura?

  Eight inches long, two inches wide. It's from a Viking.

• 58:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's awesome.

• 58:23Speaker 03

  I, I just, beyond my brains, believing that you put in a show the biggest caca in the world.

• 58:31Tom Segura?

  Oh, guess what else? I put a bid on it for at an auction to try to get it here at the studio.

• 58:39Speaker 03

  You're sick.

• 58:40Tom Segura?

  Well, I wanna own it.

• 58:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  So do I. I can't wait to get it. How much did you spend?

• 58:44Tom Segura?

  Hundred and twenty-five.

• 58:46Speaker 03

  Okay, why don't I do one like that?

• 58:48Tom Segura?

  If you can do something like that.

• 58:49Speaker 03

  You pay me a hundred and twenty-five thousand?

• 58:52Tom Segura?

  Well.

• 58:52Speaker 03

  Well, if you do it for that one, why can't you do it for mine?

• 58:56Tom Segura?

  Well, this is a, it belonged to a Viking.

• 58:59Speaker 03

  What? I am Her Majesty.

• 59:01Tom Segura?

  Her Majesty?

• 59:02Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 59:02Tom Segura?

  Could you talk away from the mic more? It's only the fifteenth time.

• 59:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 59:08Tom Segura?

  So, Mom, go from here. Just go like this.

• 59:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Push it down.

• 59:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there you go. And then... There you go.

• 59:16Speaker 03

  Here we go?

• 59:17Tom Segura?

  I mean, yeah.

• 59:19Speaker 03

  It's too high.

• 59:20Tom Segura?

  Okay. Oh, there's Charo.

• 59:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  They even got your plate personalized. That's awesome.

• 59:29Speaker 03

  Oh, my God, you guys are quick. I want that car.

• 59:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, tho- oh, those are real easy to get.

• 59:37Speaker 03

  They have toys.

• 59:38Tom Segura?

  That's a toy, yeah. That's a, that's a Ferrari 488. That was a pretty neat.

• 59:43Speaker 03

  Don't you love to drive me, get me, honestly, in this poor car? Nothing has to be one of those brand names.

• 59:49Tom Segura?

  Just any.

• 59:50Speaker 03

  No, a Ford Sport.

• 59:52Tom Segura?

  A Ford, a Ford?

• 59:54Speaker 03

  How to say?

• 59:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  A Ford Explorer?

• 59:56Speaker 03

  Ford Sport.

• 59:57Tom Segura?

  Sport. A Ford Sport. Oh, my favorite car, the Ford Sport.

• 1:00:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's a Ford Sport?

• 1:00:03Speaker 03

  Do they have a Ford convertible?

• 1:00:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:00:06Tom Segura?

  You mean like a Mustang or something?

• 1:00:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:08Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:00:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  That would be cool. What color would you get it?

• 1:00:11Tom Segura?

  I feel like you're more of a Miata lady.

• 1:00:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I could see you in this.

• 1:00:14Tom Segura?

  A Mazda Miata?

• 1:00:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, I bet.

• 1:00:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  So fast.

• 1:00:18Speaker 03

  Can you show me a Mazda Miata?

• 1:00:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  You look amazing. You have pretty blonde hair, big tatas in the wind.

• 1:00:27Speaker 03

  This is a completely natural hair. Do you know that?

• 1:00:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  You look amazing.

• 1:00:30Tom Segura?

  It looks great.

• 1:00:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, that's perfect for her.

• 1:00:31Tom Segura?

  It doesn't look like horse hair. It looks good. There you go.

• 1:00:35Speaker 03

  I like it.

• 1:00:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's adorable.

• 1:00:38Tom Segura?

  It's fun. Those are really fun to drive too.

• 1:00:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I want one. I like that burgundy bandit.

• 1:00:42Speaker 03

  Okay, red.

• 1:00:46Speaker 03

  Get it, buddy?

• 1:00:48Tom Segura?

  The Mazda Miata, yeah. Great road trip car.

• 1:00:51Speaker 03

  But when you take the thing off, does it look like a convertible pretty or no?

• 1:00:55Tom Segura?

  What do you mean?

• 1:00:55Speaker 03

  I want to look like I am in a convertible.

• 1:00:57Tom Segura?

  How do you not look like you're in a convertible in that?

• 1:00:59Speaker 03

  Because it's too high.

• 1:01:00Tom Segura?

  What's too high?

• 1:01:01Speaker 03

  The car itself, the convertibles are lower on my imagination.

• 1:01:05Tom Segura?

  That's your imagination. No, it's low. Yeah.

• 1:01:07Speaker 03

  Okay, that's it.

• 1:01:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Perfect.

• 1:01:09Tom Segura?

  Cool. That looks rad. Yeah, I think we should work that out. If you drive yourself to Lake Charles, that is yours.

• 1:01:17Speaker 03

  I go from my house.

• 1:01:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:20Speaker 03

  All the way to the next town. What is the next town?

• 1:01:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Terrytown?

• 1:01:25Speaker 03

  In the expressway.

• 1:01:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean.

• 1:01:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you drive to like UT?

• 1:01:34Speaker 03

  Can you tell me where is UT? I don't even know where you're.

• 1:01:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like downtowny, you know? How about downtown?

• 1:01:39Tom Segura?

  Can you drive downtown?

• 1:01:42Speaker 03

  In the convertible?

• 1:01:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:44Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:01:45Tom Segura?

  On a freeway?

• 1:01:46Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:01:47Tom Segura?

  All right, we'll talk about it.

• 1:01:48Speaker 03

  No, no. You said it's yours. Now you go.

• 1:01:50Tom Segura?

  I didn't say it's yours. You're making up words. When did I say it's yours?

• 1:01:53Speaker 03

  If you drive from here to here, it's yours.

• 1:01:56Tom Segura?

  I said Lake Charles.

• 1:01:57Speaker 03

  Okay, I am changing it. If I do it, you know how my heart will go from here to the university and the expressway by myself?

• 1:02:05Tom Segura?

  That's not a car reward distance. You have to go further than that for the car. Like you can drive it if you want to drive it. We can set up a test drive. But if you want to like get a car, you can't be like, hey, I drove 15 minutes. That's not an even exchange.

• 1:02:23Speaker 03

  Okay, let's do a test drive.

• 1:02:24Tom Segura?

  Okay, you can do a test drive.

• 1:02:25Speaker 03

  But the test I can't be alone.

• 1:02:27Tom Segura?

  Oh, no, of course.

• 1:02:28Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:02:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:30Speaker 03

  Let's do a test drive.

• 1:02:31Tom Segura?

  All right, we'll do a test drive. Check this out. This is a pretty cool story. I think you'll like this.

• 1:02:38Speaker 09

  It's rage we've seen before. Only this time Nathaniel Radamak, convicted for his violent Tesla rampages, isn't behind the wheel, he's at the gym.

• 1:02:47Speaker 10

  This guy said he's gonna sock me in my face as I walk next to his machine. He came up behind me and said, "Hey, do me a favor, don't [bleep] walk past my machine when I'm using it again." I was so taken aback.

• 1:02:57Speaker 09

  The young lady involved speaking anonymously to Hawaii News Now. The incident, she says, happened on Good Friday at a Planet Fitness in Kahala, Honolulu. She took out her phone as things quickly escalated.

• 1:03:11Speaker 10

  [bleep] is your problem?

• 1:03:12Speaker 04

  I'm telling you right now, things ain't looking good. I'm telling you right now.

• 1:03:14Speaker 09

  Things also not looking good for Radamak.

• 1:03:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 1:03:18Speaker 09

  Who is now in custody, facing charges for assaulting two women in Honolulu. He got closer to my daughter's window, reached in and punched her in her face. Diane Ong recalling the May 7th attack. A spokesperson for Hawaii's Department of Corrections saying he was assaulted by inmates on Monday, sustaining injuries to his face and torso.

• 1:03:38Tom Segura?

  Pretty cool, right? Isn't that a cool story?

• 1:03:41Speaker 03

  Very cool.

• 1:03:44Speaker 03

  As cool as it gets.

• 1:03:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, what do you think's going on there?

• 1:03:46Tom Segura?

  Well, he gets prison justice, though.

• 1:03:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that is pretty nice, actually.

• 1:03:50Speaker 03

  Are we allowed to talk politics?

• 1:03:52Tom Segura?

  Are we allowed to talk politics? Yeah, I mean, are you, I didn't know if you had political things to talk about. What would you like to talk about?

• 1:04:00Speaker 03

  Maybe I don't.

• 1:04:01Tom Segura?

  Uh, probably best.

• 1:04:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah. This audience kinda surprises you with their thoughts sometimes.

• 1:04:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  This guy seems like he's pretty cool, though.

• 1:04:10Speaker 03

  The guy here surprises me with...

• 1:04:14Tom Segura?

  The audience. There you are.

• 1:04:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's perfect.

• 1:04:22Speaker 03

  I want a picture of that to put it in my phone.

• 1:04:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:25Tom Segura?

  We can definitely make that your screensaver.

• 1:04:27Speaker 03

  I want you to make that.

• 1:04:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stay away from my machine.

• 1:04:33Tom Segura?

  Stay away from my machine when I'm using it.

• 1:04:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I kinda like that though, cuz I feel that way too at a gym. I don't want people near me.

• 1:04:39Speaker 03

  We didn't talk about the casino.

• 1:04:40Tom Segura?

  I know, but check this out. So Christina and the boys are coming with me to, so I start shooting this movie. But then they leave me, so I'm gonna be alone. And in order to like, you know, feel not alone, Christina sent me this link, and this is what's gonna be with me when she leaves. And I'm super excited that she actually did this, and that she found this. Check this out.

• 1:05:08Speaker 08

  This is Melody, one of our robots. She speaks various languages. And she's built in a modular fashion, so we can take off her face, replace it with another face, and have her speaking as a different character. Our skills are having very realistic skin, and our AI is very different. It's functioned to create companion and friendship and social type interactions with people. So our robots don't do physical human labor, but they're really meant for personal interaction. So you can think about it at a theme park, at a conference like this, or even at a seniors home, where they can keep people company.

• 1:05:40Tom Segura?

  So what happened is, she sent this, the production saw it. I told them I don't wanna be alone. They're gonna put AI versions of Christina's voice in the robot, and they're gonna give it blonde hair, like similar looks, so it'll feel like she's there.

• 1:05:55Speaker 03

  I do for real?

• 1:05:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, isn't that cool?

• 1:05:57Speaker 03

  That is cool.

• 1:05:58Tom Segura?

  And apparently...

• 1:06:01Tom Segura?

  You can have sex with it, too.

• 1:06:04Speaker 03

  And you think that's cool too?

• 1:06:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's great, you know, it's...

• 1:06:08Speaker 03

  What is wrong with you?

• 1:06:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's a nice way, and he can also take my face off and put someone else's face, so, you know...

• 1:06:14Speaker 03

  Well, you assign him to another woman.

• 1:06:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Spice things up.

• 1:06:17Speaker 11

  I'm Melody, your charming companion from Realbotics. We're all about creating customizable, human-like robots designed for connection and play. Basically, the perfect blend of technology and companionship. Why did the robot go on a diet? Because it had too many bites.

• 1:06:34Speaker 08

  She can smile, so I'll have her smile.

• 1:06:37Tom Segura?

  See, I can't wait to wake up to that.

• 1:06:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Happiness.

• 1:06:41Speaker 03

  That's so much love.

• 1:06:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tells jokes and stuff.

• 1:06:45Speaker 03

  Is he going to miss you that much? But you know what? He went around the world. I'm being away from you for a while.

• 1:06:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:52Speaker 03

  And he didn't have that robot woman there.

• 1:06:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but now I'm just in a house alone.

• 1:06:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's different.

• 1:06:57Tom Segura?

  You know, Albuquerque.

• 1:06:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:00Tom Segura?

  I'd like Melody to come there and just talk to me.

• 1:07:02Speaker 03

  I'm coming to visit you.

• 1:07:03Tom Segura?

  Did I tell you about season two of my show?

• 1:07:09Speaker 03

  I'm scared to ask.

• 1:07:11Tom Segura?

  It's cooking up.

• 1:07:13Speaker 03

  What is about tits?

• 1:07:15Tom Segura?

  There is a tits thing. There's one whole entire story that takes place in someone's asshole. So there's a.

• 1:07:24Speaker 03

  Tell me that is not true. I don't go that far with you on.

• 1:07:26Tom Segura?

  Well, here's what happens.

• 1:07:27Speaker 03

  I don't, I honestly, no, I interrupt here. If you get that, that low in your life, I'm done.

• 1:07:34Tom Segura?

  Well, here's what happens. So I'm getting a colonoscopy in the episode. So I'm in the, in the hospital and they give me drugs and they send a tube into my butthole. Right? And the tube has a camera on it. But what happens is there's actually like a little, almost like a alien like form that has made its way into the camera. And so he jumps off the camera and then he runs into my asshole. And we have like other characters that are alive inside of my anus and like my, like colon. And they have like this huge battle. And so when they, they fight, eventually they fight because they're, we make it so that

• 1:08:19Tom Segura?

  inside my ass is like a town. It's like a little town that people live in.

• 1:08:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tell her about her part, though.

• 1:08:24Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. Well, that's a different, that's so at the end, when they take it out, I fart and everybody flies out of my ass onto like the, the wall. And then all the blood comes up after that.

• 1:08:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the best part.

• 1:08:37Tom Segura?

  But that's like a huge, it's basically like a Western story, like, you know, guns and like cowboys and Indians.

• 1:08:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  The polyps are all wearing hats and guns and stuff.

• 1:08:46Tom Segura?

  But it's like a.

• 1:08:47Speaker 03

  I am, absolutely. Renounce to be your mother. I, I, no, that's enough. If you're going to make a show.

• 1:08:55Tom Segura?

  Can you pull this closer again for the 35th time?

• 1:09:01Speaker 03

  If you are really going to make a show that gets that low, that disgusting, that insulting, and that disrespectful to me.

• 1:09:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:10Speaker 03

  I don't want to get involved in this anymore.

• 1:09:11Tom Segura?

  That's not your, that's not your episode, though. We have a different episode for you.

• 1:09:15Speaker 03

  Obviously, it's not my episode. Obviously, it's not.

• 1:09:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what's not funny, I think that's...

• 1:09:19Speaker 03

  I Christina.

• 1:09:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  How could you make that better? Like, if you're writing it, you, you tell me. I, to me, that's a perfect sketch.

• 1:09:26Tom Segura?

  We worked really hard on that, yeah.

• 1:09:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, pitch us an idea.

• 1:09:29Speaker 03

  Getting people wrecked, and then it's a person in there, and then you look at the photo, and they go through the whole...

• 1:09:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, I think it's hilarious. They were laughing, you heard them. Like, so what's, what's a comedy idea you think would be better?

• 1:09:40Speaker 03

  Well, I don't see my comedy idea wouldn't go through that area, anyway.

• 1:09:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  What, what could Tommy do?

• 1:09:44Speaker 03

  I don't have his mental...

• 1:09:48Speaker 03

  I don't have his disgusting mentality.

• 1:09:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:50Speaker 03

  His disgusting attitude that comes in the TV and burp. And he thinks that's funny, for example.

• 1:09:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's a lot of people that would love for Tom to burp in front of them, and he charges extra at meet and greets, where you, he give a burp.

• 1:10:06Speaker 03

  I think you both have a mental problem. I got that.

• 1:10:09Tom Segura?

  We have another one for you.

• 1:10:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 1:10:11Tom Segura?

  We have another one for you, where you're a slave owner. Like, in the eighteenth... Oh, you like that one. And, uh...

• 1:10:17Speaker 03

  I'm laughing yesterday, yeah.

• 1:10:19Tom Segura?

  Well, it's just you on a plantation.

• 1:10:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a really nice plantation.

• 1:10:21Tom Segura?

  And you're, like, it's a, yeah, beautiful.

• 1:10:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  So pretty.

• 1:10:24Tom Segura?

  Oak moss, trees, huge, huge manor. And you just go around, and you, like, you whip.

• 1:10:29Speaker 03

  I bit him up.

• 1:10:30Tom Segura?

  Slaves, you beat them up.

• 1:10:31Speaker 03

  Totally me.

• 1:10:32Tom Segura?

  And you hang them. And that's the end of the sketch.

• 1:10:36Speaker 03

  Oh, that's wonderful.

• 1:10:37Tom Segura?

  Uh, then there's another one.

• 1:10:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would you do that one?

• 1:10:40Speaker 03

  Of course, it matches my personality. I love to do that stuff. I march, I kill, I sweat, I, like, everybody, like, shit.

• 1:10:48Tom Segura?

  There is one that I, I wanted to pitch you called Titslop, which is, there's a... You're living in this kind of dystopian period, where the only way you can pay for things...

• 1:11:00Speaker 03

  No wonder why I'm drinking when I come to your show.

• 1:11:02Tom Segura?

  The only way you can pay for things is you can fart, or you can do things with your tits. So that's like, you, you go to the grocery store, and they're like, "That's fourteen farts." And you see somebody put their, eh, and they... So, because tits are such a commodity, you have, over the years...

• 1:11:19Tom Segura?

  You've increased the size of your tits. So now they're like quadruple H tits.

• 1:11:24Speaker 03

  They're almost like that right now for real.

• 1:11:26Tom Segura?

  Well, they're much bigger in this. And you use them to like to nurse people, but also to fight people. So like you have like you swing your tits and you hit people in the face and people.

• 1:11:38Speaker 03

  Where did you get this mentality from?

• 1:11:40Tom Segura?

  From you, you're my mom.

• 1:11:42Speaker 03

  No, you definitely didn't get it from me.

• 1:11:44Tom Segura?

  Of course I did.

• 1:11:44Speaker 03

  I had nothing to.

• 1:11:45Tom Segura?

  No, here's your psychological evaluation, I got it from you.

• 1:11:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what, how much would it take for you to do tit slop? The sketch?

• 1:11:54Speaker 03

  Uh, three hundred thousand.

• 1:11:55Tom Segura?

  For to do one thing?

• 1:11:57Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:11:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  But that's the whole budget for the whole thing.

• 1:12:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's the whole series budget, you can't spend that.

• 1:12:02Speaker 03

  Can't you imagine me doing that?

• 1:12:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:12:05Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:12:06Tom Segura?

  For thirteen hundred, yeah.

• 1:12:08Speaker 03

  For thirteen hundred?

• 1:12:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:10Speaker 03

  I might be desperate for bread today.

• 1:12:13Tom Segura?

  Are you?

• 1:12:14Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:12:14Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:12:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  But don't you think it'd be very loving to breastfeed people in the sketch and show them your love? You know, and there's nothing like mother's milk.

• 1:12:25Tom Segura?

  There really isn't.

• 1:12:26Speaker 03

  No, I don't have mother's milk. I'm eighty, remember?

• 1:12:29Tom Segura?

  You could do the paramedic one.

• 1:12:31Speaker 03

  What is a paramedic one?

• 1:12:33Tom Segura?

  So you're driving an ambulance, right? And you show up on a scene where there's been an accident? And the person is on the ground and they're hurt? And then you stand, you're, are you okay? And they're like, ah, like that. And then you you go pee on them, you make cock on them and you throw up.

• 1:12:51Speaker 03

  Tommy, please.

• 1:12:52Tom Segura?

  And you throw up on them.

• 1:12:53Speaker 03

  Please, stop there, stop there.

• 1:12:55Tom Segura?

  Then they're healed.

• 1:12:56Speaker 03

  I'm glad, stop it, no, I can't stand it.

• 1:12:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  But listen to what he's saying is that you have the power to heal people with your vomit and your urine and your feces.

• 1:13:06Speaker 03

  You guys are so sick, it's just, I can't believe this makes money.

• 1:13:09Tom Segura?

  There's another one where you, um, this one's kind of a stretch, but it's also like, I love the idea because it's counter what you expect, which is that you go to Cambodia and you take these children and you put them in a shipping container. And you bring them to Los Angeles and you basically you traffic them to get to labor and everything. But eventually they escape and they're saved.

• 1:13:38Speaker 03

  I put him in a container.

• 1:13:39Tom Segura?

  To ship it across the Pacific, yeah. And then they get to LA.

• 1:13:43Speaker 03

  This is a completely.

• 1:13:45Tom Segura?

  You sell them.

• 1:13:46Speaker 03

  You have a dirty mind to extreme.

• 1:13:48Tom Segura?

  It's called Bad Thoughts. That's the name of the show. It's called Bad Thoughts.

• 1:13:50Speaker 03

  That's why you have a hundred percent in your score.

• 1:13:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, Bad Thoughts. You wanna do that one?

• 1:13:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that one's, you don't have to show your tittas. You don't have to pee your poo on anyone.

• 1:14:00Tom Segura?

  That one you just traffic children.

• 1:14:01Speaker 03

  I just, I just traffic children.

• 1:14:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but in a funny way. It's a comedy.

• 1:14:05Tom Segura?

  But they also, they, they also.

• 1:14:06Speaker 03

  Why can't she traffic the children?

• 1:14:07Tom Segura?

  Well, here's the thing.

• 1:14:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm not a good actress. You're a good actress.

• 1:14:10Tom Segura?

  Your mistake in this, in this story is that you introduce them to softball. And through the, the wonder and the, and the thrill of playing the game of softball, they find friends that help them escape this life that you've sold them into.

• 1:14:26Speaker 03

  How can I sell the children? I save them by saving them?

• 1:14:29Tom Segura?

  No, you don't save them. You're the trafficker. You're the person that goes and gives them candy, gets them into the shipping container, sells them for profit in Los Angeles, because you're a child trafficking kingpin.

• 1:14:42Speaker 03

  That's a monster.

• 1:14:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's a, it's a monster of a person.

• 1:14:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, but I am not a monster of a person.

• 1:14:47Tom Segura?

  But you're an actor in this. You're acting. You're not really.

• 1:14:49Speaker 03

  I don't, I can act like a monster person.

• 1:14:51Tom Segura?

  Sure you can. No, you can.

• 1:14:53Speaker 03

  That's because you can.

• 1:14:54Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:14:55Speaker 03

  And you're, you know. Nunca se escuchaba el ladron juzga a todos de su condición.

• 1:14:59Tom Segura?

  Well, there's, um, no, I've never heard that, actually.

• 1:15:03Speaker 03

  The, the thief judge everybody in his own condition.

• 1:15:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm, interesting.

• 1:15:09Speaker 03

  Because he thinks that this is something that excites him just to mention. And then you ship them and you steal them and you sell them.

• 1:15:16Tom Segura?

  Well, being that we're kind of going through the process right now, which would you sign up for?

• 1:15:22Speaker 03

  Did you see my blouse?

• 1:15:24Tom Segura?

  That's really cool.

• 1:15:25Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 1:15:26Tom Segura?

  So which would you do? Would you do child trafficking?

• 1:15:29Speaker 03

  No way.

• 1:15:30Tom Segura?

  Charo the slave owner?

• 1:15:32Speaker 03

  What was that?

• 1:15:33Tom Segura?

  Charo the slave owner?

• 1:15:35Speaker 03

  I am a slave owner and I whip them and kill them.

• 1:15:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:39Speaker 03

  That's local.

• 1:15:40Tom Segura?

  Okay, would you do the tit slap? Where you fart and, and you feed people with your tits and you fight with your tits?

• 1:15:48Speaker 03

  I tit the people.

• 1:15:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you defeat them and you feed them with your tits and your, would you do that one?

• 1:15:56Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:15:58Tom Segura?

  And then we, oh, so you'll do the, the colon, you'll do the one where the people live in the asshole. You'll do that?

• 1:16:04Speaker 03

  Oh, my gosh, what is wrong with you?

• 1:16:06Tom Segura?

  Well, this is the show, this is like, we've been working on, we've been working on this show.

• 1:16:09Speaker 03

  I can't do any of those things.

• 1:16:11Tom Segura?

  Of course you can.

• 1:16:12Speaker 03

  So these are my choices. People get inside my colon and go through my, all my insides.

• 1:16:18Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:16:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:16:19Speaker 03

  The dirty parts.

• 1:16:20Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:16:21Speaker 03

  And that's part of the wonderful evidence.

• 1:16:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:24Speaker 03

  People die and I am going to sweep them by pooping and peeing on them.

• 1:16:28Tom Segura?

  Oh, it was that one too, you wrote the paramedic one, sorry, yeah.

• 1:16:31Speaker 03

  Then there is the one that I am, I have slaves and I beat them to death.

• 1:16:37Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:16:37Speaker 03

  And what is the good part that I do? Nothing.

• 1:16:40Tom Segura?

  Well, the stories are bad thoughts, they're supposed to be bad thoughts.

• 1:16:43Speaker 03

  Oh, but also say, I dream that I have a slave and I just beat him to death.

• 1:16:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:47Tom Segura?

  I mean, that's the story.

• 1:16:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  There, there's always more slaves, there are endless supply of people you can kill.

• 1:16:51Tom Segura?

  That's the part I didn't tell you about, that I told her. At the end, you're very sad of the slave one, because this is kind of, it shows the emotion, because you've killed all your slaves and then you go.

• 1:17:02Speaker 03

  I kill all my slaves?

• 1:17:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but because you're, you're good at training and then you go to an auction and you buy like fifty more and you're so happy at the end of it. So you're like, oh, I got new slave, like, so there's like a upside to it, it's not just dark.

• 1:17:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  It ends on a high note, he's trying to say it's like a, it feel good.

• 1:17:18Tom Segura?

  It feels good at the end because you're like, look at all my new slaves and you.

• 1:17:21Speaker 03

  And I have new start.

• 1:17:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, a fresh beginning, yeah.

• 1:17:26Speaker 03

  No way.

• 1:17:27Tom Segura?

  You won't do that one?

• 1:17:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it's so funny.

• 1:17:28Speaker 03

  What is wrong with you, Tommy?

• 1:17:30Tom Segura?

  So the paramedic one it is.

• 1:17:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I think that one would be great for you.

• 1:17:33Tom Segura?

  All right, put her down for the paramedic one. Um, Charo's new podcast, Muy Mucha Charo, comes out tomorrow.

• 1:17:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:17:42Tom Segura?

  On the Your Mom's House YouTube channel, you can also listen to it wherever you get podcasts. Please rate, review and subscribe and please interact with us about Charo's new show. Give her feedback, give her thoughts.

• 1:17:54Speaker 03

  Please, please, please, just be nice to me.

• 1:17:57Tom Segura?

  Be nice to her.

• 1:17:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, of course.

• 1:17:58Speaker 03

  Pobrecita Charo.

• 1:17:59Tom Segura?

  And hopefully we'll work our way to getting a miata. All right, thanks for listening, thanks for watching.

• 1:18:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bye, mummies.

• 1:18:07Tom Segura?

  Charo, ciao.

• 1:18:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your burps are just violent rips.

• 1:18:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:18:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  How angry would your mom get throwing up when you rip on my back?

• 1:18:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let it, let it grow and build.

• 1:18:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like your burps the best. Because I feel like they always tell a story.

• 1:18:51Speaker 04

  Please.

• 1:19:06Speaker 05

  Big ton of pounds of men. Get my point? Put it in that fucking pussy well itself. Son of a bitch.

• 1:19:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:19:30Speaker 04

  Keeping my language.

• 1:19:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just let it grow.

• 1:19:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  In the last episode, I had a really-

• 1:20:01Speaker 07

  Bad bite. I got, I got a bad bite.

• 1:20:46Speaker 06

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