Moment 83 - Jay Shetty's 4 Pillars for Long Lasting Relationships

In these ‘Moment’ episodes of my podcast, I’ll be selecting my favourite moments from previous episodes of The Diary Of A CEO. In this moment, Jay Shetty gives his 4 key pillars for long lasting relationships. Jay found these pillars after he says that one of the biggest mistake he has made, and humanity still makes, is chasing what he calls “divinity in humanity”. But the search for a non-existent perfect person with all the answers can lead to insecurity and anxiety. Instead, Jay talks about how every single person in your life should provide at least one of these key pillars and the importance of having them in your life. Listen to the full episode here - https://g2ul0.app.link/nHKf58sFQub Wait list for The Diary - Add your name here: bit.ly/3fUcF8q Jay: https://www.instagram.com/jayshetty/?hl=en https://twitter.com/jayshetty?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor Watch the Episodes On Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Steven Bartlett?

  One of the concepts you write a lot about is this 75% rule. People often discuss the importance of the company you keep, whether it's their wisdom, their attitude, their positivity, their optimism, whatever, and the effect that can have on you as a human being. What have you done in your life? And also, what is the importance, from what you've experienced, of surrounding yourself with people that have good values, that are equally ambitious, that share a sort of similarities as it relates to who you want to become? Is it important? Does it matter?

• 0:33Speaker 01

  I think one of the biggest mistakes I've made, and I think we make as humans, is we often look for divinity in humanity. You're looking for that divine person that has all the answers and that is infallible and perfect. And when you seek divinity in humanity, you're left with insecurity and anxiety because no one fulfills that divine search. And so for me, what I really had to understand as I went down that road and felt like I was let down and felt like people made me feel unworthy or unequipped, was I recognized

• 1:16Speaker 01

  that there were four pillars of relationships. And they are care, competence, consistency, and character. Every single person in your life is going to be able to give you, or should be able to give you, at least one of these four characteristics. Very rarely, if ever, will one person give you all four. And if you're lucky, you might have a few people in your life that give you two or three. So let's talk about each of them. Care. My mom, there is no one in the world who cares for me more than my mom. She would do anything for me, she'd be there for me, all she wants to make sure, doesn't matter what I've achieved or what I've done, if she picks up the phone to me, her first

• 2:00Speaker 01

  question is, have you eaten? What did you eat? Are you safe? Are you healthy? Right? That's all she cares about. Now, my mom isn't the person that I go to for business advice, or she's not the person, I'm saying hypothetically, that I go to for social media advice. That's not her competence. But she doesn't need to be. She cares for me, and that's what I get from her. Now, let's go to competence. If I'm thinking about... Starting a business, new dragon over here, right? Like you'd be a great friend to call up. You're someone who understands what it takes to get investors, scale a business, build teams, manage internationally, grow, scale, sell. Like you have that journey and you have that network, you have that career.

• 2:45Steven Bartlett?

  I'd also care about you.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  I know you also care about me. So I've got two out of four in you and you've got good character. You don't have the consistency though, because we don't see each other enough. So, so three out of four.

• 2:55Steven Bartlett?

  Seventy five percent.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, seventy five percent. And so for that, for me is that perfect example of there's competence there and there is care there, which is wonderful. And there's character there. I believe you're someone of good character. And that's the next one, character. There are some people in our life that hold us to higher values. They help us grow with greater integrity. They help us see things beyond what we're chasing. They make us look beyond our desires and make us recognize that there's so much more to life. And those people are massively important. And those people may not be the people we see every week. They may not be the people we see every day. They may not be the people that we call up, but you need them as your compass. The people with character are your compass. And then finally, you have the people that are consistent.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  You have some mates that you just know are always going to pick up the phone. You know that if you need to move house, you've got a family emergency, you know which friend you call. They may not be the competent business advisor. They may care about you, but they don't care about you as deeply as your mom does, but they are consistently always there for you. And that's beautiful, but the problem is when we look at our consistent friend, we think, well, why are you not competent? We look at our competent friend, we think, why don't you have good character? We look at our character friend and say, well, why aren't you always there? And so we're always looking for which C they don't have, rather than appreciating for them for exactly what they bring to our life.

• 4:19Steven Bartlett?

  You know, I met your wonderful wife.

• 4:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, you did. Yeah, in New York. Yeah.

• 4:22Steven Bartlett?

  Honestly, in a room full of hundreds and hundreds of people, if there was a light, like if she felt like a physical, like a light in the room, just her energy was just unbelievable. And it's remarkable because she felt so much like you in so many ways. I'm guessing when you were talking about that third point about character and values and showing you things in life that are beyond what you might have thought and the meaning of life. And you know, from my own 10 minute, you know, conversation with her, I feel like she must be in that category, right?

• 4:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, right. I always used to say to people like, so people become friends with me and I hope they like me. And then I introduce them to my wife and then I never hear from them again. So she steals all my friends and I'm not, I'm not even just saying that, like, that's genuinely true. She has stolen every single one of my friends as soon as they meet her. So I can't introduce anyone to her anymore. But yeah, she's just, I don't know how. And it's been interesting because my wife has taught me so much more about me and life than I ever thought a partner could. And it's because as my, so my wife and I have been together since before my external career took off.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  And so she was with me when I had no money, no job. She introduced me to her family when I had no money, no job. I met her parents, I met her extended family, I had no career plan. So I've been with her for around eight years now and far, far before everything kind of took off externally. And what was really, really phenomenal was as my life took off externally, I started to develop this need for validation from her for what I was achieving. So if I'd get a big deal, I'd be like, look, look, look what I did. Like, look what I did. Like, isn't this amazing? And she wouldn't be impressed by it.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  And then if I did something and it went viral, I'd be like, oh, look at this, look at this, like, look how cool this is. Like, isn't this amazing? And she wasn't impressed by it. And then if I was on the front cover of a magazine or something, I'd be like, oh, look how cool this is. Like, look, look at this. And she wouldn't admire it. And for a long time, I started to think, did I marry the wrong person? And I was thinking to myself, did I, am I with the wrong person? Because I know plenty of people who are telling me that that cover's amazing and that video is amazing and that podcast is amazing and that person's amazing. Like, am I like, am I not worthy of respect? And I realized, as I, and I reflected on that, as I said earlier, I was like, what part of this am I accountable for? And the answer was really simple.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  My life, my wife loved me for everything that came before that. She loves me despite all of that. If all of that was to go away tomorrow, she'd still love me. And I was like, isn't that the most beautiful thing? Like, isn't that what we all want? Isn't that what we're truly craving? Is that we are loved beyond our appearance, our achievements, our ambitions and our goals? And I had that, but I wasn't seeing that because I wanted to be loved for my ambitions, my achievements, my goals. And so, yes, when you talk about my wife being a light, she's one of those people for sure because she's been my guide, my coach, my teacher.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  Without even knowing, if you asked her this question, she, she wouldn't say that she was doing it intentionally. But she's been such a great teacher and light in my life in so many ways. And so I'm always just trying to, anytime she annoys me, I'm like, there's a lesson in this for me. And, and there's going to be something really profound in this for me because she's, she's, she's cut from a different cloth. She's, she's remarkable. I don't even know how she's like, her parents, her parents are incredible. And, you know, they've, they've given her a lot of love. And so I see that kind of flow through her.

• 8:17Steven Bartlett?

  It's so funny, I burst out laughing then because it reminds me a lot of my girlfriend. And I, I've said this on this podcast a lot and it's, I've never actually realized. The kind of fundamental truth in what you said there. But whenever I talk about my girlfriend, I say she doesn't really care when I, if I'm number one in the charts, or if I'm number one here or that. The reaction I get from her versus other people like my boys is kind of a bit more mute. And I always think maybe she just doesn't care about my, you know, my like prefer. But you've, what you've highlighted there is in fact, that is somebody that values something else.

• 8:54Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 8:54Steven Bartlett?

  In you. So but my girlfriend would be very, very happy and very, very impressed with me doing a bunch of other things that would maybe be a bit more pure in their values. She would celebrate those things. It's not like she's not celebrating me. It's just, I don't get the euphoria from the like, number one in the podcast chart.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:10Steven Bartlett?

  And it's a question of values. And in fact, as you say, that's what we should all be looking for.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:15Steven Bartlett?

  But society has taught me that you clap when you get big numbers on stuff, or you go number one, or the bank balance is big. So that's so interesting. It's probably, I guess someone's going to draw the conclusion from that. They're going to look at their partner who's been clapping because they've got like a promotion at work. And they're going to go, you've got bad values, love.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  And not at all. We should, we should, we should be supportive partners about everything that our partners do. But it is beautiful that you get an opportunity to learn about your partner's values by what they value in your own success. And that doesn't mean that, like you just said, like your girlfriend or my wife is not happy when something goes number one or does great. Of course they're happy. But there's something deeper than that that makes them happier.

• 9:58Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  And I think that's really special. And that's that character in that life.