It's An Austrian Painter Summer! | Your Mom's House Ep. 816

Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: - Don’t wait! Make your outdoor space your dream oasis TODAY with Wayfair, and enjoy it all summer long. Head to http://Wayfair.com right now to shop a huge outdoor selection. This week on Your Mom’s House, it’s just Tom Segura and Christina P in the Mommy Dome, and things get historically unhinged. Tom has declared it's Hitler Summer and he's waist deep in World War Two documentaries. He also talks about watching a Bin Laden documentary that's especially fascinating. before sharing a thought about how Hitler was a great friend. Christina has also got a new painting on deck and the two mock Adrien Brody’s art, and have more fun with AI Keanu Reeves. Tom tells a hilarious story about watching Star Wars with their sons, Christina messes with a spam texter in the middle of the episode, A Tom-Ed Kemper abomination details his homicidal plans, and a horrifying run of “Horrible or Hilarious” clips and Toks featuring 18-wheelers, busted ankles, and piss pups. Plus, CP roasts Meghan Markle (again), Tom hypes the Fancy vs. Phillip showdown, and we close the show with an Enny-themed banger. Wild clips. Even wilder theories. No guest, no problem. Enjoy! Your Mom’s House Ep. 816 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:38 - War Documentary Summer 00:06:08 - Hitler Was A Great Friend 00:13:44 - Opening Clip: Chris Hansen Caught Ya 00:19:20 - Adrien Brody's Art & Christina's Latest Work 00:27:23 - Clip: Baldwin Cringe 00:28:21 - Star Wars With The Boys 00:33:34 - Pac Man Jones Calls Tom 00:35:44 - Pitching TV Shows 00:38:21 - Clip: Beefing on CNN 00:39:48 - Fancy Vs Phillip 00:43:39 - Horrible Or Hilarious 00:49:42 - Ed Kemper Tom 00:56:11 - Clip: My Ankle! 00:57:56 - The Black Segment 00:59:49 - TikToks 01:10:50 - Closing Song -"Enny Wears Those Pants" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Segura?

  South Carolina and Georgia, I'm bringing my come together tour to Peace Concert Hall in Greenville, South Carolina on August 28th, and I'll be in Athens, Georgia on Friday, August 29th, at the Classic Center Theater, and in Evans, Georgia on August 31st, at Columbia County Performing Arts Center. Get your tickets now at tomsegura.com/tour.

• 0:32Tom Segura?

  Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker, or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, Cigars International has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time, when you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any Turkey Day-induced stress. As the industry leader, Cigars International enhances these moments with unbeatable deals, so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got free everyday shipping, no codes, no minimums. You just buy the cigars and they show up, that's it. With Cigars International's unbeatable deals and discounts, there's no better time to stock up and take advantage of what is

• 1:16Tom Segura?

  arguably the best time of the year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more, or visit cigarsinternational.com/ymh, and the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply.

• 1:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Speaking of, I don't know what this is with you, but it is now officially a Hitler summer. Because you've been watching your Hitler docs in bed.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  I love Jewish people, but I also love Nazis.

• 1:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  You do this every summer. Heather pointed this out, that every summer you get into Hitler and World War II, and you go down this rabbit hole. What is it about joy in summer?

• 2:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is it about summertime?

• 2:09Tom Segura?

  Summertime is wartime. You know, I was just going through the library of options. And I just got a little, little tickle for some World War II stuff. So I started the World War II doc series. It's a six-episode series, I think, in color.

• 2:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which is always exciting.

• 2:36Tom Segura?

  You know, there's just so much that goes on. Like, you think you know a story and then you forget like just how, how many different little stories are in something like World War II. It's just fascinating. So I just, yeah, I jump into it.

• 2:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what about the, the idea of summer and freedom and good weather and, you know, lightning bugs and barbecues and boats makes you go World War II?

• 3:01Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 3:04Tom Segura?

  I think I cycle in and out of war docs, though.

• 3:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:07Tom Segura?

  Like, I haven't seen one in a while, so I was like, eh, kind of time for a refresher.

• 3:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because where were you before? I'm trying to remember. Were you into Pearl Harbor? What, what were you interested in?

• 3:17Tom Segura?

  What, last time?

• 3:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, prior to World War II?

• 3:20Tom Segura?

  Oh, I was just watching, I mean, I watched a few docs. I watched the Tylenol one. I watched the Bin Laden one.

• 3:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's where you were, the Middle East?

• 3:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. So it could have been a Bin Laden summer, but...

• 3:32Tom Segura?

  You know, the Bin Laden doc was fantastic, but that's only three episodes. Like, once you get into it, you know, it's really good. I mean, they had, they got really incredible people to do that, like to agree to be on the doc, you know?

• 3:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 3:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah. The former CIA director, Leon Panetta. A bunch of high-ranking people that were, including the person that planned the raid.

• 3:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Woo.

• 3:57Tom Segura?

  The commander, the naval commander.

• 4:00Tom Segura?

  Some people from SEAL Team Six were in it. And just, yeah, like a lot of high ranking people talking about that whole, basically, journey of tracking him. And, and everything that was behind the scenes, you know, of like how they figured out. I mean, I know people kind of know, you know, the courier was the, was the, the connection to figuring it out, but having them lay it out. And, and when you see how long it takes. That's the thing about these, you know, clandestine operations. It's like, they have to be so patient and they just, you're tracking, they had to track this guy for like thousands of miles. You know what I mean? Like, he's in one country, going through all this terrain,

• 4:42Tom Segura?

  switching vehicles, switching hands and, and like track and track. And then he just ends up in Pakistan in, what is it? Abbottabad?

• 4:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Abbottabad.

• 4:52Tom Segura?

  And they, they just see this house and like, this house is fucking weird, man. Like it has 15 foot walls and, you know, then they like are figuring out who, like how many people live there. They're, they're looking at the trash that they, and they burn the trash. And they're watching people come in and out. And then they figure out that they're like, oh no, they thought two families lived there. They're like, there's a third family that lives here. And they live on this, like, level. And then they're using satellites to, you know, to see what they can and,

• 5:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Looks really good.

• 5:29Tom Segura?

  It's pretty cool, right?

• 5:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a cool room that he was chilling in.

• 5:32Tom Segura?

  But this satellite imagery just had this, um, this guy that would pace every day. You know? And they had to use, I forget what it's called. When you use, um, they see the image in the, in the shadow that he casts. And then they figured out that by the shadow, that this, that this individual, because they couldn't see him head on, was the same height as Bin Laden.

• 5:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he was a tall fella.

• 5:58Tom Segura?

  He was a tall guy, yeah.

• 5:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow. So what you're saying is Bin Laden is longer than a summer. World War II, you could figure that war out in a summer.

• 6:08Tom Segura?

  No, the opposite.

• 6:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, no, Bin Laden is longer than a summer.

• 6:12Tom Segura?

  Bin Laden's a quick watch.

• 6:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, so it should have been a Bin Laden summer.

• 6:17Tom Segura?

  Well, no, because I, you need more, Bin Laden's a weekend watch.

• 6:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, even less.

• 6:21Tom Segura?

  World War II is a, that's a,

• 6:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a full time.

• 6:23Tom Segura?

  It's a full time job.

• 6:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sorry.

• 6:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 6:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I'm gonna wrap up this one probably tonight, then I'm gonna start another World War II doc.

• 6:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which, what do you got your paws on?

• 6:32Tom Segura?

  I don't know yet. I'm looking at, there's a lot of options. Might do Vietnam too, I don't know.

• 6:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  You do cycle into Vietnam eventually in summertime? It's a warm climate, that was a jungle war, that makes sense for you.

• 6:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, that would make more sense, Vietnam summer, World War II winter.

• 6:50Tom Segura?

  Oh, I see what you mean.

• 6:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because.

• 6:52Tom Segura?

  So you're saying maybe save this next World War II doc for the holidays?

• 6:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm talking.

• 6:58Tom Segura?

  Like Thanksgiving, Christmas?

• 6:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm talking about.

• 7:00Tom Segura?

  Hey, boys, gather around, we're gonna watch a documentary. About Stalingrad.

• 7:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, when your mother's around, your sisters, the fam.

• 7:09Tom Segura?

  My dad could sit and watch that shit for weeks on end.

• 7:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I bet.

• 7:14Tom Segura?

  Wake up, watch it, sit down, watch it right here. These tanks, these guys, see, these tanks didn't actually have, I don't know, right? Rudders on them. He would just kind of mumble it to it, and you're like, cool, man.

• 7:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Loved it.

• 7:26Tom Segura?

  You'd walk in, six hours later, and you just hear fucking machine guns going off. Like, you still watching them? Oh, yeah. You're like, yeah, pretty, pretty neat.

• 7:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, and he was laying there in his chonies, I know exactly what you're talking about, that house in Florida.

• 7:40Tom Segura?

  You, you watch these things, I didn't, like, I had no idea that in, you know, they were trying to get Germany, obviously, to surrender. That at one point, they gave the directive to the British and American troops, just bomb Hamburg.

• 7:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 7:56Tom Segura?

  And kill civilians.

• 7:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're so desperate, I think.

• 7:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, so, yeah, they're years into the war, and then they're like, just destroy Hamburg. I didn't know that.

• 8:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't, there's so many details.

• 8:06Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 8:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  How could you know that, Tom?

• 8:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, I know.

• 8:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't beat yourself.

• 8:10Tom Segura?

  And here's the craziest thing, they fucking bombed the shit out of Hamburg. I mean, this place was fucking pretty much destroyed, and then they had all survivors go into, like, I guess, like, a postal service building operation, and then the Brits were like, bomb that.

• 8:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 8:30Tom Segura?

  To kill all the civilians.

• 8:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just to get her done.

• 8:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 8:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  To really put some fear into Hitler's heart.

• 8:35Tom Segura?

  And, yeah, and then Hitler was like.

• 8:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know what's so funny? So my father will tell people where to visit in Europe, dependent upon whether or not Hitler bombed it during World War II.

• 8:48Tom Segura?

  That's where to visit?

• 8:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, no, meaning if Hitler didn't bomb it, it's a nicer European city.

• 8:54Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's right.

• 8:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's just true because Hitler didn't, you know, tear it all to pieces.

• 8:59Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 9:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  So you have like the original European buildings and such that you can actually see.

• 9:04Tom Segura?

  The other interesting thing about this doc is they have a lot of like super old people that fought in the war in it, you know?

• 9:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Super old people. Oh, that's cool. They're still around?

• 9:12Tom Segura?

  They're still around and you hear them talk about like, it's just interesting. Like some guy who's like, I hated the Americans.

• 9:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I want to hear that. I like that.

• 9:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. He's like, they're so annoying with their McDonald's. They're so loud in the subwayways.

• 9:25Tom Segura?

  And then, and then the, whenever they have the American on, it's like an 87 year old guy. He's like, so we, we stormed that beach and there's fucking Japs everywhere.

• 9:40Tom Segura?

  And he's like, and there were only a handful of Japs left when we left. Nice. Real nice.

• 9:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. It's so, it's so funny because now they don't even, they try not to, well, the idea being like, we have drones that do the killing for us. So we don't have to.

• 9:56Tom Segura?

  That type of war will never happen again, really.

• 9:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hope. I mean, look, no, none of it's great.

• 10:00Tom Segura?

  No, of course not. But

• 10:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  My goodness.

• 10:02Tom Segura?

  These, these people were just, yeah.

• 10:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Traumatized. These men were so traumatized.

• 10:07Tom Segura?

  When you see footage, like one thing you don't think about is when there's a war at sea and you're on an aircraft carrier, you didn't think about this until you're actually watching this because someone will have a camera on deck. There's planes approaching, firing, and the guys that work on the deck just hit the deck. They just lay on the deck.

• 10:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's where that saying comes from.

• 10:28Tom Segura?

  And then fucking a plane flies over that's firing bombs and shooting machine guns at it. You're like, holy shit. And then they just pop up and they just run around. Yeah, it's really crazy.

• 10:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  You just hope that you don't get hit.

• 10:39Tom Segura?

  All of them were like, I'm probably going to die today. Yeah.

• 10:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's wild.

• 10:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do you even, I don't know how they sleep at night, how they function.

• 10:44Tom Segura?

  Cause you just train, train, train until you're just like, I'm a war machine.

• 10:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's a scene in the show, um, The New Look with about Coco Chanel and Christian Dior and how they navigated World War II. And it's a great, the idea being you think you would do differently or be a better person.

• 11:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 11:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  But really, would you?

• 11:02Tom Segura?

  Would you?

• 11:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  If you're just trying to survive?

• 11:03Tom Segura?

  That's the thing. It's all about survival for most people.

• 11:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right. It's a great moral question. And at one point Coco Chanel is meeting with some intel guy and some German or whatever. And she's literally, she's in Paris and she's standing there and she's like, do I have to be here? The bombs are falling right behind me. And she's literally like, I'm fucking Coco Chanel.

• 11:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 11:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I'm standing in Paris and right behind me, the bombs are falling. And she's like standing nervously waiting for this guy to come meet her. And you're like, that's how it was.

• 11:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 11:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  People are just like, oh yeah, they're just bombing some shit behind me right now.

• 11:36Tom Segura?

  You know what nobody ever talks about though with Hitler?

• 11:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's that guy?

• 11:39Tom Segura?

  He was a great friend.

• 11:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was a great friend. To animals?

• 11:43Tom Segura?

  No.

• 11:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  To people?

• 11:44Tom Segura?

  To Mussolini. Nobody talks about it.

• 11:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, that's true. We learned that in Hitler.

• 11:48Tom Segura?

  Cause I'm watching the doc, right? And when the Italians are just done with Mussolini, they're like, we're done with this fuck.

• 11:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:55Tom Segura?

  And they start just like rioting and going crazy. Guess what Hitler does?

• 12:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 12:01Tom Segura?

  He sends a plane to pick up Mussolini.

• 12:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 12:04Tom Segura?

  Cause he's worried sick about him. He's worried sick about him.

• 12:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's like, get in loser.

• 12:09Tom Segura?

  He's like, get in here.

• 12:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's go.

• 12:10Tom Segura?

  And he, and then he greets him. He gets off and he's like, you okay? Yeah, I swear.

• 12:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just a couple of bros.

• 12:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And I, here's the thing, say what you want about Hitler, but you can't say he was a bad friend to his friends.

• 12:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they both have an aesthetic scent. They share an aesthetic sensibility here.

• 12:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 12:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Same kind of outfit.

• 12:29Tom Segura?

  No one ever talks about, the guy had a great smile.

• 12:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hitler?

• 12:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 12:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did he have nice teeth?

• 12:34Tom Segura?

  I don't know about that, but it's just a beautiful smile.

• 12:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure. And his eyes really lit up when he smiled.

• 12:39Tom Segura?

  How can we never see these shots?

• 12:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, look at it.

• 12:43Tom Segura?

  Look at that. Guy's having the time of his life.

• 12:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just goofing around with his friends.

• 12:48Tom Segura?

  How about some, a little more photos like this? That's the guy I remember.

• 12:55Tom Segura?

  You know what I mean?

• 12:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hello, he's just saying hi.

• 12:58Tom Segura?

  Hey.

• 12:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hello.

• 12:59Tom Segura?

  Hi.

• 13:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Big A.

• 13:01Tom Segura?

  How's everyone doing?

• 13:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hello.

• 13:02Tom Segura?

  He's just waving.

• 13:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's loving.

• 13:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 13:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's a Hitler summer for him, too.

• 13:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they always show that photo.

• 13:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 13:08Tom Segura?

  The stern.

• 13:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mmm.

• 13:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's like, oh, that's how you gotta remember him. You gotta remember him like, mm, but here's the real guy.

• 13:17Tom Segura?

  You know?

• 13:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I get it, Tom. I get it.

• 13:21Tom Segura?

  But again, great friend to Mussolini.

• 13:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm.

• 13:24Tom Segura?

  And I just want it to be out there. All right, here's your opening clip. Are you ready?

• 13:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I need a pen when you have a chance, George.

• 13:30Speaker 03

  What would have happened had there been a 14-year-old girl here, Tim, and not me or the Polk County Sheriff's Office? Well, you'd have ate her ass.

• 13:40Tom Segura?

  Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, Cigars International has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time when you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any turkey day-induced stress. As the industry leader, Cigars International enhances these moments with unbeatable deals so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got free everyday shipping, no codes, no minimums. You just buy the cigars and they show up. That's it. With Cigars International's unbeatable deals and discounts, there's no better time to stock up and take advantage of what is arguably

• 14:25Tom Segura?

  the best time of the year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more, or visit cigarsinternational.com/ymh and the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply.

• 14:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 14:45Speaker 03

  Don't bring anyone mothering to this.

• 14:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  He did not say that.

• 14:50Speaker 04

  Welcome to Your Mom's House.

• 14:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking A, man.

• 14:53Speaker 04

  With Tom Segura.

• 14:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ugh.

• 14:56Speaker 04

  And Christina Plajitski. Christina Plajitski. Welcome to Your Mom's House.

• 15:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow.

• 15:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'd eat her ass?

• 15:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Whoop, whoop.

• 15:37Speaker 03

  You'd eat her ass?

• 15:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  He did not, straight up.

• 15:40Tom Segura?

  He said that, and then I like how the guy goes.

• 15:44Tom Segura?

  He's like, hmm.

• 15:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would I? Yeah.

• 15:47Tom Segura?

  He's thinking it, for sure.

• 15:48Speaker 03

  Home County Sheriff's Office.

• 15:50Tom Segura?

  Well.

• 15:51Speaker 03

  You'd eat her ass?

• 15:56Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 15:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 15:58Tom Segura?

  It's possible. I mean, it is what I proposed as the idea.

• 16:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  He proposed that to a 14 year old?

• 16:04Tom Segura?

  Well, I mean, I'm deducing that from the conversation.

• 16:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, me too. That's really wild for a 14 year old to be on board with. Wow, I didn't know people did that.

• 16:11Tom Segura?

  It's somebody posing as a 14 year old, right?

• 16:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, right.

• 16:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's how they got him. Yeah.

• 16:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's how they got him, Tom.

• 16:17Tom Segura?

  Somebody was like, come on over, I'm watching a movie. He's like, how about I come over and eat your ass? She's like, oh, I've never done that. And then you show up and it's Chris Hansen.

• 16:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you think the chats with these those are like Keanu AI? Where you're like, wow, this chick's really overly cool. Like, this 14 year old knows what ass eating is.

• 16:37Tom Segura?

  I mean, probably your reptilian brain takes over and you're just like, cool. This is the one I've been looking for. Yeah, I'm sure that they, when they look back on it, they're probably like, oh, yeah, this is not, I got, I got caught.

• 16:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I got bamboozled here. There's no 14 year olds.

• 16:53Tom Segura?

  He's like, trying to get my ass eaten today. What are you doing? Yeah.

• 16:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he's like, what you doing, girl? Just trying to get my ass eaten?

• 17:00Tom Segura?

  Yep, and he's like, funny enough.

• 17:04Tom Segura?

  I'm into eating ass, so if you want.

• 17:08Tom Segura?

  What a coincidence, yeah.

• 17:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, and he looks like he likes 14 year olds. They always look the part.

• 17:14Speaker 03

  Fill all my holes with your delicious man spread and wanna overflow your love juice from my orifices like a broken toilet.

• 17:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Keanu.

• 17:24Tom Segura?

  Keanu. Do you need money?

• 17:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ding, ding, ding!

• 17:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, cool.

• 17:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, tell that again.

• 17:32Speaker 03

  You bet I'm coming up in May.

• 17:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's so.

• 17:36Speaker 03

  You got me sweating like a black man.

• 17:40Tom Segura?

  Keanu.

• 17:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's so worked up today. What's going on?

• 17:43Tom Segura?

  I can't believe Keanu Reeves is fucking doing this. Everyone. He was a good guy.

• 17:47Speaker 03

  You're welcome to spit on me, slap me, be yours today because that's what I am.

• 17:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 17:55Speaker 03

  I need to get fucked alive, man.

• 17:58Tom Segura?

  It's so crazy.

• 17:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I didn't know he was like this.

• 18:00Tom Segura?

  I didn't know this either, man.

• 18:01Speaker 03

  Tom and Christina, you are both so hilarious and attractive. My racially ambiguous hog is throbbing for your comedy.

• 18:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 18:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow. I didn't know he was such a fan.

• 18:12Tom Segura?

  I didn't know that either.

• 18:13Speaker 03

  Tom, your thick Peruvian cock is so vascular. It makes me salivate like a dog hungry for a bone.

• 18:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 18:21Tom Segura?

  Jesus.

• 18:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow. Keanu.

• 18:24Tom Segura?

  Keanu is really just a dirt dog.

• 18:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, he's so horny. I had no idea.

• 18:28Tom Segura?

  And he's broke.

• 18:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the crazy part.

• 18:31Tom Segura?

  He's probably made $400 million.

• 18:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where'd those dollars go?

• 18:35Tom Segura?

  Just to fucking cool people.

• 18:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta send him Bitcoin.

• 18:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah. There's the thing. You can't outwire me, US dollar. That had to have been the best part. She's like, I can send you. He's like, no, no, go get some Bitcoin first. Then get me that.

• 18:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  So random.

• 18:49Tom Segura?

  What? Because it's just legal shit. God, I'm in a fucking bind. Can you just get some Bitcoin? You realize who that woman had zero idea how to get Bitcoin?

• 18:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know either.

• 19:00Tom Segura?

  No, but I'm saying like that lady had to be like, I need Bitcoin today.

• 19:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. She's like, do I go to 7-Eleven and get Bitcoin?

• 19:07Tom Segura?

  How do I buy it?

• 19:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would have no idea.

• 19:09Tom Segura?

  And he walked her through it. It was like, go here, go to this site, register this. Don't put too much information.

• 19:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 19:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And send me that code. And then, yeah, then you'll help me get out of this bind I'm in. Oh, anything. Yeah. I'm trying to help Keanu Reeves out. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

• 19:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ding, ding, ding. We need that as a drop.

• 19:31Tom Segura?

  That's just, we have it, I think.

• 19:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ding, ding, ding.

• 19:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  What a dummy.

• 19:35Tom Segura?

  Jesus.

• 19:37Tom Segura?

  So fucking stupid.

• 19:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ding ding ding.

• 19:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:40Speaker 03

  Hey mommy, show me how those big tits fart.

• 19:44Tom Segura?

  Wow, he knows your thing.

• 19:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  What the hell?

• 19:46Tom Segura?

  God.

• 19:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I?

• 19:47Speaker 03

  Wow mommy, you are so funny and talented and creative and nice and beautiful and physically attractive to me.

• 19:56Tom Segura?

  Wow, he likes you.

• 19:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what I like at the end of that? He got real sultry. He was so attractive to me.

• 20:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Well, he says something about you being creative and funny enough, you have some creative things.

• 20:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. So I wanted to bring to light, Josh, although thank you so much for pointing this out, that Adrian Brody, the actor, has been selling his artwork to the public. And let me tell you, he's been crushing it.

• 20:19Tom Segura?

  Crushing it. And the reviews from the art world are pretty fucking rough.

• 20:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, they don't know good art when they see it. That's the problem. Yeah, it says the actor's art gets brutalized.

• 20:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  In a review. Well, who's?

• 20:37Tom Segura?

  Well, but I, I saw some other art, you know, world people. They were saying that it is absolutely horrendous. And hideous. Yeah.

• 20:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let me see.

• 20:47Tom Segura?

  Let's see what he's got.

• 20:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alex Greenberger of Art News says it's bad. Okay, so it looks.

• 20:53Tom Segura?

  One of those, like pop art shit. Yeah.

• 20:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like deco page. If you're listening to this, so it.

• 20:59Tom Segura?

  Fucking A. Four hundred and twenty-five grand.

• 21:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, this is great. So he sold this, it looks like a collage, and then Marilyn Monroe's in the middle, the Hollywood sign in the background. It's just like a collage of different Marilyn's.

• 21:12Tom Segura?

  Well, I will say this though, just, just to be fair to this right now, because I didn't realize this when I heard his art had sold for that much. The, it looks like the amount, that one sold for almost four hundred and twenty-five thousand. It's for a benefit and includes a lunch with him.

• 21:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 21:30Tom Segura?

  But I'm saying that's somebody who's, who's doing that to also, it's to contribute. To whatever the benefit is. It's not just somebody going, I want to buy this art for this much money.

• 21:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I agree. I see what you're saying.

• 21:42Tom Segura?

  It's a little different.

• 21:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I see what you're saying. The intent is different, but do we have any other of his, any more of his work that we can critique and sort of look at?

• 21:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, let's look at some.

• 21:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I agree. That, that particular piece, I feel like we've seen in galleries before.

• 21:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a little been done. Oh, yeah.

• 21:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so is that. Yeah.

• 22:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 22:00Tom Segura?

  It's pop art shit.

• 22:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's pop art. He's collaging like Betty Boop. Is that like a Banksy?

• 22:06Tom Segura?

  It's not that, um, like notably, it's just, you've seen it, like you said.

• 22:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's pop art.

• 22:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you've seen it. I, I have a, I have a piece of art like that from a gallery when we were on, on the road. Uh, but it hangs in a garage.

• 22:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 22:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's just like a fun, they're like fun things I, you know.

• 22:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's not selling all of these and giving it to charity. He is profiting, right? I'm assuming not all of these are for charity. I like the Bugs Bunny one.

• 22:36Tom Segura?

  No idea.

• 22:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think he's fine. I think it's fine.

• 22:39Tom Segura?

  Adrian Brody's art is horrendous.

• 22:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh gosh, you guys.

• 22:44Tom Segura?

  Why are people pretending it isn't?

• 22:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I don't think it's horrendous.

• 22:47Tom Segura?

  I don't think it's horrendous.

• 22:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  No different than the shit that is in galleries now. What's the diff? I think they don't like him.

• 22:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 22:55Tom Segura?

  I don't know either.

• 22:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, listen, the point is seeing Adrian Brody's success.

• 23:01Tom Segura?

  I wonder what these are.

• 23:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like that one. They're skulls.

• 23:02Tom Segura?

  Can you see what they're listed for at this gallery, at the Eden Gallery, whatever that is? I cannot imagine they're listing these for six figures. That's so insane.

• 23:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  So good.

• 23:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that would be really crazy.

• 23:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  People brutally mock Adrian Brody's art. Yeah. What is that? Bro ducks? Bro ducks. So he made like a Starbucks symbol, but he called it bro ducks. Which isn't even like, like it's like Banksy is clever with his stuff, right? Like it's funny.

• 23:31Tom Segura?

  Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. No, that's.

• 23:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  His stuff's really cool.

• 23:34Tom Segura?

  Twenty two thousand? Yeah, that's, that's like more in line with what that kind of stuff would go for. Probably like in the teens and, you know, part of that's his name. And I, I think that one that everyone keeps citing is really because it was for a benefit. You know, so they just made the price real crazy.

• 23:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was, oh, wow. Look at this.

• 23:56Tom Segura?

  What? So, but see, that's at a gala. Like, that's, that's not.

• 24:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's for charity. Wow. Okay. So this, this is really interesting. Now, that's, that's in line with what I'm gonna propose here in a moment.

• 24:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah, tell me what you're doing.

• 24:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  So in light of, you know, Adrian Brody's success, I was thinking, I'm gonna start putting my art up for sale. And like, I wanna sell the original piece.

• 24:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I've been working on something for a while.

• 24:26Speaker 03

  I need money. I am drowning in legal troubles that I cannot elaborate on right now. Please send me money and I will send you my love.

• 24:35Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 24:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I've, I've, this is my first piece that I'm gonna be putting out there for sale in light of Adrian Brody's.

• 24:44Tom Segura?

  Is that Adrian's or yours?

• 24:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, this one's mine.

• 24:46Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's yours. Okay.

• 24:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  This one's my original.

• 24:48Tom Segura?

  That feels Adrian-like.

• 24:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  What the fuck are you talking about? I, I did that with my hand. That's oil pastels with my hand.

• 24:55Tom Segura?

  I'm saying, like, I could see this in a gallery.

• 24:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, as long as you mean it like that, not like it sucks.

• 25:00Tom Segura?

  No, I meant it as a compliment.

• 25:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, uh, yeah.

• 25:03Tom Segura?

  Is there a list price for the original?

• 25:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  For the original? Well, first of all, let me tell you a little bit about this piece. Before we jump, jump straight to the price, Tom.

• 25:11Tom Segura?

  That's really, that was tacky of me. I'm sorry.

• 25:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just want this, I want the, the context. You know, every great piece of art has a story. Okay? This one is about my struggle, oh, my struggle with breast cancer. And this difficult year that I've had with my mortality and existence. And that's why I've made this piece of art, it's called Fuck Around and Find Out.

• 25:38Tom Segura?

  That's what this is called?

• 25:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. And it's a cat and he's not playing games. So I'm gonna be selling this original piece. Are you ready?

• 25:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 25:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  10,000 US dollars.

• 25:51Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 25:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not Bitcoin, US dollars.

• 25:53Tom Segura?

  Okay, 10 grand. Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker, or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, Cigars International has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time, when you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any turkey day induced stress. As the industry leader, Cigars International enhances these moments with unbeatable deals so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got free everyday shipping, no codes, no minimums. You just buy the cigars and they show up, that's it. With Cigars International's unbeatable deals and discounts, there's no better time to stock

• 26:37Tom Segura?

  up and take advantage of what is arguably the best time of the year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more, or visit cigarsinternational.com/ymh and the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply. At Edward Jones, we believe rich is more than caring about the latest and greatest. It's also taking care of what gives your life meaning. That's why your dedicated financial advisor meets you where you are with personalized financial strategies that help protect what matters, so you can preserve your progress while creating a path forward. The key to being rich is knowing what counts. Let's find your rich together.

• 27:22Tom Segura?

  Edward Jones, member SIPC. Grand?

• 27:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  10 grand.

• 27:26Tom Segura?

  Where can they buy it?

• 27:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where are we going to post this, Josh?

• 27:30Tom Segura?

  I think on the YMH store, store dot ymahstudios dot com. Let's see if that actually, yeah.

• 27:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  I need to get in on this Adrian Brody business plan. I'm gonna do this first, let's see if it.

• 27:42Tom Segura?

  Well, can people buy prints who can't afford the?

• 27:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  We'll see, I don't know yet. I may just sell the original and if the response was great, then I may, I may sell the prints. Limited run.

• 27:51Tom Segura?

  10 grand?

• 27:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 27:53Tom Segura?

  Seems reasonable to me.

• 27:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  It seems totally reasonable. You know how much work went into this, Kat?

• 27:57Tom Segura?

  How long?

• 27:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's just hours, days of me thinking about color scheme and like, look how I fucking, look at the bottom, bro. You see how like the fur fucking looks all soft and shit? I did that, bro.

• 28:08Tom Segura?

  It looks great, it really does look cool.

• 28:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 28:10Tom Segura?

  It's really. Really cool.

• 28:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  This cat's a killer dude.

• 28:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I like it.

• 28:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm super stoked about it and ten grand, I feel like you could own this, put this in your house, frame it, whatever, you know?

• 28:18Tom Segura?

  Very cool.

• 28:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it'll just bring joy.

• 28:20Speaker 02

  Bitch, get in here and suck us up. Nasty flip ass bitch. Hey, get in, hey, get up in here and suck us up. Head mustard gobble ass bitch, head mustard gobbling ass bitch, sea creature sea crawling ass bitch.

• 28:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, this is the type of misogyny that my artwork addresses.

• 28:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, like in addition to being cancer survivor, mother, Eastern European immigrant, it's also about misogyny and patriarchy and all that stuff too, you know?

• 28:47Tom Segura?

  He's so aggressive, this guy.

• 28:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's a lot of them.

• 28:50Tom Segura?

  It's, yeah. You suck us up, you sea creature ass bitch. Like, it's really so demeaning.

• 28:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  The woman that likes to be demeaned a little.

• 28:58Tom Segura?

  I guess. Or maybe she's, I don't know if she likes it, she's just used to it. You know what I mean?

• 29:03Speaker 02

  Bitch, get in here and suck us up.

• 29:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's like, that sounds pretty inviting.

• 29:08Tom Segura?

  I mean, uh.

• 29:09Speaker 02

  Sea creature sea crawling ass bitch.

• 29:11Tom Segura?

  A sea creature, sea crawling ass bitch.

• 29:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's for somebody who was abused a lot.

• 29:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then they're like, this feels familiar.

• 29:18Tom Segura?

  That feels right, yeah.

• 29:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, I think about this all the time, if I might just compliment you.

• 29:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't compliment that bitch.

• 29:25Tom Segura?

  Don't compliment that bitch.

• 29:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  But like, I really should have ended up with a monster.

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Don't compliment that bitch.

• 29:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not you.

• 29:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 29:36Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 29:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  I should have been with a real psycho.

• 29:38Tom Segura?

  Like.

• 29:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  These fucking two.

• 29:50Tom Segura?

  Even that bit didn't really make sense.

• 29:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 29:53Tom Segura?

  Because she, he's supposed to be serving her.

• 29:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 29:57Tom Segura?

  And then she says, my lord, to the servant.

• 30:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, like, don't call me my lady, call me my lord.

• 30:03Tom Segura?

  Oh, is that what she's saying?

• 30:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm the man in this relationship. I think because he's being so emasculated in the social media, yeah.

• 30:09Tom Segura?

  Oh. Oh, I see what you're saying.

• 30:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  So she's like. I'm a man.

• 30:13Tom Segura?

  Well, she's saying, call me my lo- okay, I was like, what did- Go inside and do your mommy and wife thing, stop trying to be famous. That's what the comment was from-

• 30:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, what a bitch.

• 30:21Tom Segura?

  Clarissa, twenty.

• 30:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, look, do I like that they're trying to make fun of themselves? Yeah, I think that's really cool.

• 30:28Tom Segura?

  That's nice.

• 30:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's good. They just need help. Like, they should have a comedian.

• 30:32Tom Segura?

  Help them out a little.

• 30:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 30:34Tom Segura?

  I agree.

• 30:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Call, like, who's good at these, you know?

• 30:37Tom Segura?

  Did we talk about watching Star-

• 30:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bernie Furlong's good at, like, Vine and Tik-

• 30:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, she is.

• 30:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  You should contact her.

• 30:44Tom Segura?

  Star Wars with the boys.

• 30:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my god.

• 30:45Tom Segura?

  So they've been doing this thing, by the way, I don't know if other people have the same experience, where whenever you propose, let's watch this new thing that you haven't seen, they're like, absolutely not. So like, when Harry Potter, like, a couple of years ago, I was like, let's watch Harry Potter. They're like, I don't want to watch that. No way. I hate Harry, like, I hate him. And you're like, why? They're great movies. And they're like, uh, no, uh-uh.

• 31:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 31:09Tom Segura?

  I'm not watching that. Same thing with Star Wars. I was like, let's watch Star Wars. They're like, no, no, no, no, I hate Star Wars. You hate Star Wars? I hate it. It's the worst. And you're like, alright. And like, another year would go by. And I'd be like, you want to watch Star Wars? Like, no, no, no, no, no. Star Wars is the worst. And you're like, what is going on? And then finally, I'm like, hey, let's watch Star Wars, the original. And Ellis throws this huge thing. He's like, I just, I want to watch anything else. I'm like, seriously? And he's like, yeah, but let's just not even watch something. I go, how about, just give it like fifteen minutes? And if you, if you can't, if you don't want to watch it after fifteen minutes, I'll, I'll turn it off. I'll find something else.

• 31:53Tom Segura?

  He's like, ugh, fine.

• 31:57Tom Segura?

  A few minutes in, Julian is just like, what is this? I'm like, Star Wars. And he's like, this is Star Wars? I go, yes. And I'm like, he's like, this is pretty good. And I go, I know. And then Ellis is like, well, I've seen all of them. I'm like, wait a minute, you just said it's the worst thing. He's like, yeah, I watched them all over at my buddy's house. And I'm like, I go, so you've seen these all? He's like, yeah, yeah, I know what this is. I'm like, okay. Cool. Can we watch it? He's like, yeah, it's actually really good. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

• 32:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so crazy.

• 32:26Tom Segura?

  And then Julian is like, who is that? I goes, it's Han Solo. Han Solo? Yeah. He's like, what kind of name is that? I'm like, I don't know. He lives in fucking outer space. And he's like, Han? I go, yes. What's his last name? Solo. Han Solo? I'm like, yes. What's his real name? I'm like Harrison Ford. He's like, oh. What's that? What's that thing he's talking to? I'm like, that's Chewbacca. Chew what? Chewbacca. He's a Wookiee. What's a Wookiee? I go, that fucking thing. Who's the other guy? Luke Skywalker. What's his real name? Mark Hamill. Oh.

• 33:11Tom Segura?

  Is that his friend? I'm like, I guess. I don't know, dude. Can we watch the movie?

• 33:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 33:15Tom Segura?

  What's happening? Why does he do that? Who's Darth? Darth Vader? Darth Vader. Darth Vader. I go, yeah.

• 33:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do you spell that?

• 33:25Tom Segura?

  How do you spell it? Now you gotta spell it.

• 33:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't just watch the fucking movie.

• 33:29Tom Segura?

  He's a real bad guy. How is he bad?

• 33:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, how is he bad?

• 33:32Tom Segura?

  He's just consumed with evil. What does he do that's evil? I'm like, everything. He hates everybody that's alive. He wants everyone dead. He's like, oh. You know what I would do if I saw Darth Vader? I'm like, what? He goes, I'd go fuck you.

• 33:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Double bird?

• 33:48Tom Segura?

  Double bird to Darth Vader, yeah.

• 33:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 33:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah, it's a fucking. Twenty-five minutes into that movie, I had answered at least a hundred and fifty questions.

• 33:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then his mind is really blown that Leia is actually.

• 34:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 34:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Luke's sister. And now I had to fucking explain that doozy.

• 34:05Tom Segura?

  Then we were, because we watched the original three. And then it's like, so wait, Darth is Luke's dad? Yeah. And he goes. But how is he his dad? He used to be his dad?

• 34:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 34:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, it was Anakin Skywalker and then he kind of turned to the dark side of the force and he's kind of half man, half machine. What? I'm like, I don't know, dude. It's fucking complicated. Can we just watch this fucking movie, please?

• 34:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so complicated. Well, look, Star Wars is the greatest story ever told.

• 34:36Tom Segura?

  Well, it's just good and evil, you know?

• 34:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's fantastic. Well, it's so many layers to it. I mean, it's, it's Oedipal, right? I think why so many boys love it, it's the idea of killing your father, which is part of the drama of being like a six or seven year old boy. You love your mother, you want to kill your father. Like you resolve these things in your brain. But I think that's why it really like, you see that as a kid and on a subconscious level, you're like, wow, this is a wild story. The guy's got to kill his own father. How do you do that? And then there's the idea of succumbing to the dark side of the force. Well, what is the dark side of the force? It's the darkness within you. Well, what does that mean? It could be anything, addictions, bad feelings, low energy behaviors.

• 35:16Tom Segura?

  George Lucas was-

• 35:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's amazing. It's such a good story.

• 35:19Tom Segura?

  Obsessed with that.

• 35:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Eastern philosophy?

• 35:22Tom Segura?

  No, that, what's that? Oh my God, this, this tale of, I think it's an old Irish, an old Irish tale. We studied in college about like, he was really fascinated with this author. And it was stories of like, you know, Star Wars is just like adapting, you know, a old philosophy story of good versus evil. Essentially, it's these same tales, right? Just retold in a different way. But it was, oh shit, Pac-Man's calling you.

• 35:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  No way. I think we should answer that.

• 35:55Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 35:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, Pac-Man Jones.

• 35:56Tom Segura?

  All right. What's up, man?

• 35:59Speaker 04

  Hey.

• 36:00Tom Segura?

  Hey.

• 36:00Speaker 04

  When I call you, answer your goddamn phone.

• 36:02Tom Segura?

  I just did.

• 36:05Tom Segura?

  I did. I'm doing a podcast. What's going on?

• 36:09Speaker 04

  What's up, Ty?

• 36:10Tom Segura?

  What's up, man?

• 36:12Speaker 04

  Do you know who I am? The mailman, the little stanky booty mailman? Little stanky booty guy in Cincinnati. Bert know who I am.

• 36:17Tom Segura?

  Okay, okay. All right. I like the hat, bro. And the teeth.

• 36:21Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, that's Hude, babe.

• 36:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, Hude all the way.

• 36:24Speaker 04

  You should check out his shirt, T.

• 36:25Tom Segura?

  Hey, send me a link.

• 36:27Speaker 04

  I will. I'll send it to you. I hear everything.

• 36:29Tom Segura?

  I'm good. How are you doing?

• 36:32Speaker 04

  I'm good.

• 36:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 36:34Speaker 04

  Yeah. You know, I ignore the noise.

• 36:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know. There's a lot of-

• 36:37Speaker 04

  I enjoy it, but like, shut the fuck up, people.

• 36:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's right.

• 36:41Speaker 04

  Work for my fucking self. Like, motherfucker, why are you fucking... What? You talking about I did what? Bro, you got the wrong guy, bro. Wrong guy. That's what I told his dad.

• 36:50Tom Segura?

  You should tell him that.

• 36:51Speaker 04

  I did. I did give him a little nudge. He ain't on my team.

• 36:54Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, that motherfucker, yeah, yeah.

• 36:56Speaker 04

  But I wasn't trying to hurt him with that.

• 37:00Tom Segura?

  It probably could have gone way differently. I'm glad you just-

• 37:03Speaker 04

  Could have went a little bit worse.

• 37:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:04Speaker 04

  I thought I did pretty good.

• 37:06Tom Segura?

  How are you doing on the links today?

• 37:08Speaker 04

  We just started.

• 37:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, you just started? All right, cool, man.

• 37:11Speaker 04

  All right. Call me, bro.

• 37:12Tom Segura?

  All right, bro. But, yeah, everything's good, man. Everything's good.

• 37:15Speaker 04

  Hey, what kind of shoes you got on right quick? Let me see what you got on.

• 37:18Tom Segura?

  They're running shoes, bro.

• 37:20Speaker 04

  Let me see. Damn, you let me down, bro.

• 37:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, well, they're-

• 37:25Speaker 04

  Hey, I bet my boy, I'm like, he fucking got Jays on right now.

• 37:28Tom Segura?

  Nah, I just came from the gym, though, man. I came from the gym.

• 37:31Speaker 04

  You're so fucking upset today, bro. I love you. I love you.

• 37:34Tom Segura?

  I love you too, bro. Okay, bye. That was insane.

• 37:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Insane. He shit on your shoes, babe.

• 37:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know, because they're like, he's like, he's got Jays on. He had a bet going.

• 37:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 37:46Tom Segura?

  So I just let him down.

• 37:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, who was the other fella?

• 37:49Tom Segura?

  I don't know. I actually don't, I didn't recognize him. But he had all diamond teeth. It was cool.

• 37:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, cool.

• 37:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, that's what you need to get next.

• 37:56Tom Segura?

  You think so?

• 37:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  A hundred percent.

• 37:58Tom Segura?

  Do you know who that was?

• 37:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 38:00Tom Segura?

  Oh, wait. Is this the... Yeah, Joseph Campbell.

• 38:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Joseph Campbell.

• 38:03Tom Segura?

  That's who I was thinking of. Thank you.

• 38:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 38:05Tom Segura?

  So Joseph Campbell, we, um, we read about, we did a whole thing about this in college.

• 38:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, of course. Joseph Campbell, it's about mythology, the myths. Um, sorry, the archetypes. Yes, it's fantastic.

• 38:17Tom Segura?

  I said Irish, but I think I just got thrown by the name.

• 38:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was just reading him. What's the fucking one I was just reading? My memory is a dog shit. Fuck my brain. What's that guy, babe? Say it. My brain is so fucking- Stupid.

• 38:31Tom Segura?

  I don't remember.

• 38:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Brain.

• 38:35Tom Segura?

  I don't remember.

• 38:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nah, Mia's the fucking, what is his big book, Joseph, The Power of Myth? Yes, The Power of Myth, and it talks about the archetypes that exist in life, the father, the mother, the maiden, all these are human archetypes that exist.

• 38:54Tom Segura?

  You know, I gotta find.

• 38:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's all about that.

• 38:56Tom Segura?

  We, I remember a while back.

• 38:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Power of Myth.

• 38:59Tom Segura?

  I had found, um, there's a story out there about Lucas shopping this script. And it's so funny to think of like a studio exec in the seventies, reading and being like, fucking, a what? A wookie?

• 39:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's cheap, Barker.

• 39:18Tom Segura?

  And he's trying to like, explain, well, yeah, you know, he's like, this is goofier than shit, man. We're not making this.

• 39:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 39:24Tom Segura?

  And like, I'm sure, cause I'm, it had to have been turned down by so many people.

• 39:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, for sure. It was too weird. So I remember there's a great story about how Jim Henson got the Muppets on television. Uh, it was Brillstein Gray did the show and he's pitching it to Bernie Brillstein, Jim Henson. And you know, Henson was just a stoner with puppets.

• 39:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they were like, we got, there's some way we can commodify this. We don't know how. And so Henson and Brillstein are in a restaurant and I think Bernie Brillstein goes, I know what it is. It's Hee Haw with puppets. You know, that stupid show, fucking Hee Haw?

• 39:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 40:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's it. That's how they pitched stuff in the seventies. Cause shit was so wild back then, like Hee Haw, Google Hee Haw. It's the stupidest fucking show you've ever seen. Yeah. It's like hillbillies popping up in cornfields and like, it's a sec, it's like.

• 40:12Tom Segura?

  So that's how he pitched it?

• 40:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's Hee Haw with puppets. And I thought, oh, that's so brilliant. That is a really good pitch. See, look at this stupid two characters and it's all making fun of like southern people and what do you call gorilla with an attitude, you know, like, and they're jumping up in cornfields, popping and telling, yeah, it's like the stupidest shit. But then Laugh-In was big in the sixties. So this was like after Laugh-In. I don't know.

• 40:37Tom Segura?

  You see this guy? By the way, I know you like this.

• 40:42Speaker 04

  Yes, you are, you are live with me Ben Hart on CNN.

• 40:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  What was he doing?

• 40:48Tom Segura?

  He farted.

• 40:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I missed that. Let me see.

• 40:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he farted live on CNN.

• 41:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Idiot. He knew he was about to go live.

• 41:04Tom Segura?

  He just beefed.

• 41:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  He crazy.

• 41:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  He knew he was about to be live.

• 41:08Tom Segura?

  He did a full lean.

• 41:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you can't do that on CNN, bro.

• 41:11Tom Segura?

  And he's like, oh, sorry, sorry about that. Anyway. Let's move on. Like, nah, you need to talk. The whole segment's gotta be about your fart now.

• 41:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bro, and like the other guy knows.

• 41:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, the guy's like, you're live.

• 41:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  You fucking beefed, dude.

• 41:23Tom Segura?

  The whole world just saw you rip ass, sir.

• 41:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking idiot.

• 41:28Tom Segura?

  Speaking of farting.

• 41:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 41:30Tom Segura?

  I am so excited. So if you're watching, if you're listening to the podcast today, June 25th, the day this is coming out, later today, we are debuting, finally, Fancy versus Philip. Uh, my good friend Philip Franklin Lee, the Michelin star chef, who has sushi by scratch, he has Pasta Bar, NADC, with, um, uh, Neen Williams, also does the podcast together, Not a Damn Chance Podcast. He's a fantastic, phenomenal chef. So I got him to do a competition with Fancy Chef. And it was unbelievable.

• 42:16Tom Segura?

  And I have a, a quick,

• 42:19Tom Segura?

  I'm just giving you a little sneak peek.

• 42:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wet my beak.

• 42:22Tom Segura?

  Just a sneak peek about, from some of what went on that day. It was unbelievable.

• 42:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can't wait.

• 42:31Speaker 04

  I believe we're screwed.

• 42:35Speaker 04

  Tuesday, I hate you. You only receive love to be the mind in business.

• 42:43Speaker 04

  I'm in Texas. I'm in Texas. I'm in Texas. I'm in Texas. Fancy guy reaching out to one of his, uh, 12 numbers.

• 43:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Insane.

• 43:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Insanity.

• 43:09Speaker 04

  The glass inspires the dish. That's what I wanted, you know, the glass. Beautiful night. Beautiful night.

• 43:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, oh my god.

• 43:34Tom Segura?

  That was unbelievable. That was a dream come true to have, uh, the two kind of highest level chefs I know go at it. It was just real competition, see who can come up with what. It was really a treat. I feel so lucky. It was unbelievable. The, the, the full cut is just incredible. I mean, the tension in the room. These guys going at it, back and forth, high level guys, just their minds, you know, racing and, and like all the flavors that we had that it was just, I'm so sorry you couldn't make it that day.

• 44:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I had stuff going on. The, the phones ringing is what really adds to the adrenaline rush going on.

• 44:12Tom Segura?

  Raw footage. Just, we didn't, you know, tell them to ever turn them off.

• 44:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't turn off the ringer, bro. You got six phone lines.

• 44:19Tom Segura?

  Is not though, the most impressive thing that you've seen, that he can rattle off every number?

• 44:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's pretty crazy.

• 44:26Tom Segura?

  Isn't that incredible to you?

• 44:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause I don't think I know my own phone number.

• 44:28Tom Segura?

  Well, I don't know more than maybe two numbers.

• 44:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 44:33Tom Segura?

  He just was like, boom.

• 44:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's, it's, he's savant like.

• 44:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  With that.

• 44:37Tom Segura?

  That and cooking.

• 44:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, of course. May I ask you, what was the dessert that you were sampling?

• 44:42Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 44:44Tom Segura?

  So he, I mean, I don't want to give it away, but I'll just tell you.

• 44:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, don't give it away.

• 44:48Tom Segura?

  I mean, there was fresh berries.

• 44:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mmm.

• 44:50Tom Segura?

  Strawberries, raspberries, blueberries. And I think it's rum infused whipped cream.

• 44:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mmm, how does he do that, I wonder?

• 44:59Tom Segura?

  They say sell it out of the can. And.

• 45:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Got it, wow.

• 45:05Tom Segura?

  It's Cardi B's, oh, sorry, vodka infused whipped cream.

• 45:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ugh.

• 45:11Tom Segura?

  So it's whipped cream that has, and he was like, I just came up with that on the spot. And there was like a mint leaf on it. It was so different, yeah. It was beautiful and nice.

• 45:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Was Phillip worried?

• 45:24Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 45:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  When he saw Fancy and what Fancy was bringing?

• 45:28Tom Segura?

  First of all, Fancy came in wearing a chef's outfit.

• 45:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, and Phillip did not.

• 45:31Tom Segura?

  Phillip was like, oh, I'm just wearing my regular clothes, like, well, mistake number one.

• 45:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 45:35Tom Segura?

  You know?

• 45:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You had to come correct.

• 45:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  You had to come styled.

• 45:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I can't wait to watch the whole thing, it looks fantastic.

• 45:42Tom Segura?

  It was incredible.

• 45:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  It looks delicious, too.

• 45:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was really, really.

• 45:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Most importantly.

• 45:46Tom Segura?

  Really spectacular.

• 45:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Delicious time.

• 45:48Tom Segura?

  You can watch this Fancy versus Phillip battle at 5:00 PM Central here on the YMH YouTube channel.

• 45:58Tom Segura?

  So, I got something for you, ready?

• 46:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Always.

• 46:04Tom Segura?

  Fuck!

• 46:08Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 46:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Was that a suicide?

• 46:10Tom Segura?

  No.

• 46:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nah.

• 46:12Tom Segura?

  No. It was, she was trying to clean her windows. Yeah, it's in Russia, 80 years old.

• 46:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh!

• 46:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, walked away with bruises.

• 46:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  No!

• 46:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Italian, the slobs are built different, son.

• 46:25Tom Segura?

  Isn't that incredible? I mean, that is hard, the way.

• 46:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now let's see it again. Fuck!

• 46:32Tom Segura?

  She was like, ah! Shit.

• 46:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, that didn't, okay.

• 46:36Tom Segura?

  Someone was like, alright, you're gonna hire someone to clean the windows. She's like, alright.

• 46:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck, she just fell out. Can I tell you something? Can I talk to you for a second?

• 46:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, man.

• 46:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Falling out of your window is extremely easy. I had a friend in college who fell out of a third story window. He was at a house party, there was a band playing, and he was with this girl, and the room got progressively fuller and fuller, and he just got backed in, backed in, and he and this girl, he was behind her.

• 47:08Tom Segura?

  She's leaning on him.

• 47:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, and then, whoop, out the third story window, he falls first, she falls on top of him, he's in a coma for three weeks, and he's never been the same. Broke a bunch of shit, it was horrible.

• 47:23Tom Segura?

  And she was fine?

• 47:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, she didn't make it.

• 47:26Tom Segura?

  She didn't make it?

• 47:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 47:27Tom Segura?

  From the third story?

• 47:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 47:29Tom Segura?

  Damn.

• 47:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, yeah.

• 47:32Tom Segura?

  And she landed...

• 47:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, I'm sorry, wrong story, wrong. She was fine, but she felt really guilty that he wasn't, sorry. That was the story, I forgot that, sorry. She survives, and she doesn't have as much trauma and injuries my friend did. But he's never been the same. He was really, really, really, like, super intelligent before that happened, and then, like...

• 47:53Tom Segura?

  And then do you have another story about someone who died?

• 47:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I'm thinking, no, no, I'm probably just mixing up clips that we've seen on the show.

• 48:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Different traumatic...

• 48:02Tom Segura?

  Well, first of all, we've never played someone who didn't make it, so that's in your head.

• 48:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, of course, yeah, come on, come on now.

• 48:10Tom Segura?

  This is fun music.

• 48:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that a bucky's?

• 48:12Tom Segura?

  Uh, I think it's gonna...

• 48:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck these big ass buses, man.

• 48:18Tom Segura?

  Bro.

• 48:22Tom Segura?

  I think you're gonna hit the car pretty hard. No? Oh.

• 48:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, get out of there, get out of there! Oh!

• 48:31Tom Segura?

  Oh, oh, oh! Fuck!

• 48:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  That could happen.

• 48:44Tom Segura?

  That was insane.

• 48:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right here in Texas.

• 48:45Tom Segura?

  That was one of the craziest things I've seen.

• 48:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, I'm so afraid of that happening to me.

• 48:49Tom Segura?

  The logic too, like your brain, sometimes your brain doesn't, you know?

• 48:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 48:54Tom Segura?

  Like, he's just like, oh.

• 48:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's fine.

• 48:56Tom Segura?

  Block the thing from hitting my car and not adding up how much force and pressure. I mean, I don't think he's gonna stand up straight ever again for the rest of his life.

• 49:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause the way where it smushed all his internal organs, like the important things.

• 49:11Tom Segura?

  But my car's cool. Like, my car's not scratched. That's cool.

• 49:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it literally got him like stomach, spleen, liver, kidneys, everything mushed. By the way, buy Christina P lipstick.

• 49:23Tom Segura?

  He sustained a serious injury.

• 49:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  ChristinaP.com.

• 49:26Tom Segura?

  To his hip. That's where he, that's where he got hurt, his hip. I'm sorry, didn't mean, interesting time to plug the lipstick. Do you wanna do that again?

• 49:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  ChristinaP.com, four shades. You could get Atomic Red, Perfect Red, Madison and Berlin, ChristinaP.com, buy all four.

• 49:47Tom Segura?

  I got one more for you.

• 49:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck off.

• 49:50Tom Segura?

  Ready?

• 49:53Tom Segura?

  Yes. Ooh. Guess what? Okay, she's okay.

• 50:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, I got the weirdest text.

• 50:01Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 50:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  So you know this phone used to belong to?

• 50:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  You and I are more than friends. We're like a really small gang, minus the weapons and cool jackets.

• 50:15Tom Segura?

  Okay, that's probably spam. Do you know what I've been doing now?

• 50:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 50:19Tom Segura?

  So I used to always say I'm Ambassador Cart, right?

• 50:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 50:21Tom Segura?

  Right? And it was like, and then get them to be like, I'm sorry, what? I'm like, this is Ambassador, you know, the State Department's gonna visit you, like all this. So what I do now, like I got one like a week ago that was like, "Hey Jessica, it's me, Kathy. Um, are you ready for lunch?"

• 50:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 50:39Tom Segura?

  I just go, "Yeah, where are we eating lunch?" And then they go, "Wait, where are you?" I go, "I'm outside, where are you?" And then- They don't like they're they always are looking for you're supposed to go that's not me.

• 50:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 50:52Tom Segura?

  So I just I affirm everything now. And then they just stop. You go, you know what I mean? Like whatever they say, just like you just yes.

• 51:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I should say you and I are more than friends. We're like a really small gang minus the LOL for sure, homie. Oh, my God, for sure, homie.

• 51:09Tom Segura?

  Just add to it. And then they just go like when they're like, wait, who is this? You go, no, wait, who is this?

• 51:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  This, bro, I thought I thought you're my homie. What's up, bitch?

• 51:17Tom Segura?

  Are we going out later?

• 51:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, let's go. Oh, let me let me add that. Are we are we hanging later?

• 51:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's up, bro?

• 51:26Tom Segura?

  It's more fun, actually.

• 51:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is so much fun, yeah.

• 51:28Tom Segura?

  Because they're looking for you to just like try to dismiss them. And if you just go like, no, I want to hang out. Why? How come we're not friends more?

• 51:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  I miss you. I miss you, girl. I'm thinking about you.

• 51:37Tom Segura?

  Let's hang out.

• 51:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see if they're they're not going to write back. That you're right. Yeah, because they want you to be like, who is this? Oh, I'm so sorry.

• 51:45Tom Segura?

  Exactly.

• 51:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is Caitlyn.

• 51:46Tom Segura?

  And then they go, well, it's OK. Like, let's just.

• 51:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's hang out, let's chat. Yeah. And then and then they need they need fucking, what's it called? Bitcoin.

• 51:54Tom Segura?

  Oh, you move your phone.

• 51:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  They need fucking Bitcoin and shit.

• 51:58Tom Segura?

  Did you see this? This was done by one of our.

• 52:04Tom Segura?

  Oh, Scott Welsh.

• 52:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I know that name.

• 52:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, he does a lot of stuff on on Instagram. And he's been doing things like this for a long time, really cool ones. But this one was really, really special.

• 52:18Speaker 02

  And that's when I decided I'm going to murder my mother. I knew a week before she died was going to kill her. And she went out to a party. She got soused. She came home, went to sleep. I was woken up by that. I got came out. I walked up to her bed. She's laying there reading a paperback.

• 52:37Speaker 03

  As many thousands of nights before. And she said, oh, I suppose you're gonna wanna sit up all night and talk now. I looked at her, I said, oh, goodnight. And I knew I was gonna kill her, you know?

• 52:53Tom Segura?

  Pretty cool.

• 52:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's really cool. I like that Charo's reading my son is a sociopath.

• 52:57Tom Segura?

  A psychopath, yeah, yeah.

• 52:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's cool.

• 52:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and they did a really good Charo.

• 53:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really good, really good. You, your teeth are awful in this.

• 53:03Tom Segura?

  Well, it's, um, it's real audio.

• 53:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I know.

• 53:06Tom Segura?

  That's from Ed Kemper.

• 53:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 53:09Tom Segura?

  He, uh, he was goofball, killed his mom in real life.

• 53:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I figured as much.

• 53:13Tom Segura?

  There he is.

• 53:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 53:14Tom Segura?

  Big guy, smart guy, too.

• 53:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure. Why is he smart?

• 53:17Tom Segura?

  He had a really high IQ.

• 53:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, oh.

• 53:20Tom Segura?

  He was really intelligent, yeah.

• 53:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Some of them are.

• 53:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Some of them are.

• 53:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, six, nine, big fuck, huh?

• 53:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Six, nine?

• 53:28Tom Segura?

  He's six, nine.

• 53:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn, dude, that's tall as shit.

• 53:31Tom Segura?

  Uh, IQ of one forty-five.

• 53:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it's fucking crazy.

• 53:34Tom Segura?

  Places him in the genius range.

• 53:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, cool.

• 53:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, thank you for sharing this.

• 53:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he was a real neat guy. Too bad that that-

• 53:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who else did he kill besides his mommy?

• 53:45Tom Segura?

  Some other broads. He had a real problem with killing women.

• 53:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  They usually do.

• 53:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  How it goes. Was he still alive?

• 53:52Tom Segura?

  He murdered seven women, yeah, one girl.

• 53:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh-oh.

• 53:55Tom Segura?

  He murdered his paternal grandparents when he was fifteen. Um, and most of his non-familial victims were female college students hitchhiking, which is something you can't even do anymore.

• 54:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 54:06Tom Segura?

  There is no, like, hitchhiking kind of culture anymore, really?

• 54:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, look, if I were one of these clowns, you know what I would do? Get on the dating apps.

• 54:15Tom Segura?

  Start killing that way?

• 54:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Hey, come meet me at this fucking bar, dark-ass place.

• 54:19Tom Segura?

  With a phony picture? You have to do a phony picture.

• 54:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  The whole identity.

• 54:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  And this dumb broad show up.

• 54:24Tom Segura?

  But you have to pick somebody, wait, cuz if you, it's interesting, right? If you do a full catfish thing, then the, the woman's there looking for this other guy.

• 54:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 54:35Tom Segura?

  And you know who she is.

• 54:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 54:36Tom Segura?

  She has no idea. Right, but do you wanna pick somebody who's close to what you look like? So that she engage, so you're just like waiting?

• 54:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, she, so, so here's what, here's what you're gonna do. First of all, I know who you're gonna fucking go after. One of these Disney adult losers, like these.

• 54:53Tom Segura?

  You're talking to me?

• 54:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I'm just saying in general, if you wanted to kill somebody. Go after one of these losers, these Disney fucking adults.

• 55:00Tom Segura?

  Jesus, you're so aggressive.

• 55:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, on these specific sites where they're like, I'm a rope dropper. What was the other one?

• 55:06Tom Segura?

  One of these fucks?

• 55:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, one of these dorks.

• 55:08Tom Segura?

  Park closer?

• 55:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm a park closer, I'm a rope dropper. And you get this girl all juiced up on how like down you are for Disney.

• 55:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  You set up a meeting time, you stand her up. Just like this fishing.

• 55:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, what happened? Your date didn't show up? I'm so sorry, but you're wearing like a Disney shirt that she can cling to? Why don't you hang out with me? Let's go for a walk around Lake Austin. And then now you fucking strangle her ass and put her in the fucking lake.

• 55:35Tom Segura?

  Oh, I see.

• 55:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 55:36Tom Segura?

  So I just happen to be, I have my Mickey Mouse shirt on, I'm like, oh.

• 55:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is so weird.

• 55:40Tom Segura?

  Nah, I'm just here, crazy.

• 55:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're into this stuff?

• 55:43Tom Segura?

  You like Disney?

• 55:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love this stuff. God, this guy's a real loser.

• 55:47Tom Segura?

  I'm sorry you got, somebody did that to you, shit.

• 55:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 55:50Tom Segura?

  It's no fucking way to retreat someone.

• 55:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  And these nerds are like in Orlando.

• 55:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Easiest place to dump a body is Florida. All the swamps and the gators, they just chew everything up.

• 56:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, go to the Everglades and you just.

• 56:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude.

• 56:02Tom Segura?

  Feed the gators.

• 56:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking sure, homie.

• 56:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Sounds like you've kinda thought this through a little bit. Yeah, doesn't seem like it's off the top of your head.

• 56:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, it is actually.

• 56:12Tom Segura?

  Okay. Pretty cool.

• 56:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just think these nerds like these, you have to go to like a specific nerd culture. Cause then they're really, they're really, um, looking for it, you know what I'm saying? They're willing to block out a lot of stuff, just like that guy that got catfished, the 14 year old ass eater.

• 56:31Tom Segura?

  Man kills husband and wife over debt and dumps bodies in the swamp.

• 56:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Florida, that's where you dump a body. Oh yeah, we've been thinking about this for a long time.

• 56:39Tom Segura?

  He killed a couple. Huh, let's see. A man is accused of fatally shooting a married couple, leaving their bodies in a swamp because he believed the husband had stolen 30,000 from him.

• 56:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jesus.

• 56:50Tom Segura?

  A jury now convicted the 39 year old Todd Jackson to two counts of first degree murder, armed kidnapping, burglary, for occupied dwelling with a firearm and tampering with physical evidence. I like that, that one thing says believed, meaning that. Maybe that didn't happen.

• 57:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure.

• 57:07Tom Segura?

  A judge sentenced him to life in prison. Let's see. They realized, law enforcement suspected them, okay. Bankers found no suspicious transactions that would indicate the victim stole from his bank account. Further argued that while the co-defendants had numerous motives to commit the crime, Mr. Jackson had none. No physical evidence linked Mr. Jackson to the crime scene. Well.

• 57:31Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 57:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, thirty grand, that's enough to murder somebody over.

• 57:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a lot of scratch.

• 57:37Tom Segura?

  But it seems like there's no, nothing that connects him to that, like the couple? Did they actually do that?

• 57:44Tom Segura?

  Doesn't seem like it. I just found the story. I'm not sure the whole backstory of it, but yeah. Deputies used a surveillance technique that Nichols said her stepfather was the one who shot and killed a couple because he thought Raymond Klein had stolen thirty thousand from him. That is a lot to do if you go, I think this guy took money from me. Like, you don't know? Feels like you'd want to know, for sure.

• 58:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'd want to confirm it?

• 58:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then you'd also want to be able to get your money back before you kill that guy?

• 58:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, I would be like, hey dude, here's your chance to give it back to me. And then when he doesn't, I fucking murder him.

• 58:17Tom Segura?

  Kill that guy.

• 58:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right? Like, you want your money back.

• 58:20Tom Segura?

  You want your money back, yeah.

• 58:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thirty grand? That's a lot of scratch, bro.

• 58:23Tom Segura?

  That's a lot of dough, yeah.

• 58:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, give me my fucking money, bitch.

• 58:26Tom Segura?

  Bitch.

• 58:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking dummy. Now, see? So many bodies.

• 58:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like that. I don't want to fucking see that.

• 58:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck that.

• 58:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck this, dude. I'm not looking at this. I broke my ankle. I don't want to see this.

• 58:47Tom Segura?

  It was just dislocated. He put it back on.

• 58:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I don't want to see this. This happened to me, remember?

• 58:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Remember when they said, you watched them, didn't you?

• 58:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  They usually put you on.

• 59:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  They didn't give her ketamine or amketamine or anything?

• 59:03Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 59:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wait, wait. Are you ready?

• 59:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, it came back to me. Okay. Hold on.

• 59:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Homie, wait, isn't this Jenny?

• 59:12Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 59:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck yeah, it is. Yes, it's Jenny. Yes, dummy.

• 59:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, see, this is the fun way to do it.

• 59:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, dummy, it's Jenny. Who the fuck are you?

• 59:22Tom Segura?

  No.

• 59:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, dummy, it's Jenny.

• 59:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 59:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Homie, wait, isn't this Jenny? Yes, dummy, it's Jenny.

• 59:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see what this fucking idiot says back.

• 59:34Tom Segura?

  It's so much more fun.

• 59:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so much more fun, yeah. Okay, wait, when they reset my ankle, they put me up. That's why I did ketamine.

• 59:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 59:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  They didn't even give this poor motherfucker Xanax?

• 59:47Tom Segura?

  Dude, that ankle was completely off.

• 59:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I saw it. I don't want to see it.

• 59:53Tom Segura?

  Then he had like the.

• 59:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stop.

• 59:55Tom Segura?

  That like flutter out. He's like, whoa.

• 59:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like this. I know, I don't like it, dude. Fucking show me this.

• 1:00:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  What kind of fucking hospital is this?

• 1:00:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, I mean, it's kind of, it's not here. I'll tell you that.

• 1:00:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure. Give him drugs, bro.

• 1:00:14Tom Segura?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:00:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck, Annie, you're here.

• 1:00:17Tom Segura?

  Annie's back.

• 1:00:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nice, we missed you.

• 1:00:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  We need to.

• 1:00:25Tom Segura?

  I'm just strolling in.

• 1:00:28Speaker 02

  You can't do that.

• 1:00:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why is he late to work?

• 1:00:32Speaker 02

  That's fucking crazy.

• 1:00:40Tom Segura?

  I came in late.

• 1:00:45Speaker 02

  Only I can do that. This is fucking, I can't believe I work here.

• 1:00:54Tom Segura?

  Where have you been? We miss you.

• 1:00:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where the fuck have you been, bro?

• 1:00:57Speaker 02

  I'm fucking working, man.

• 1:00:58Tom Segura?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:01:03Tom Segura?

  I got a bunch of dudes. Okay, alright. Okay.

• 1:01:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alright. So what?

• 1:01:14Tom Segura?

  Alright.

• 1:01:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  We need to get some negro spiritual music to play when anyone gets on the mic. Can we get that for him, please? What?

• 1:01:26Speaker 04

  Oh, my fucking god.

• 1:01:33Tom Segura?

  You wanna get some of those tracks?

• 1:01:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do another one, those are funny.

• 1:01:40Speaker 04

  Whole white baby, bruh.

• 1:01:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sweating. It's so funny. You know what I'm saying? I'm on a drop day in my life, you know what I'm saying? And not jail.

• 1:02:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:06Tom Segura?

  Oh shit, you wanna see some of your talks?

• 1:02:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking always, dude. Yeah.

• 1:02:14Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's hilarious. He packaged a damaged old TV and then it was stolen.

• 1:02:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Isn't that fucking amazing?

• 1:02:22Tom Segura?

  That's amazing.

• 1:02:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  So for those people just listening.

• 1:02:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  If you wanna get rid of an old television.

• 1:02:27Tom Segura?

  This is a Ring camera from a front porch. Where a guy took his old shitty TV, packaged and taped it up and put it on his front porch.

• 1:02:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you make it look like it's a delivery box and people will just.

• 1:02:40Tom Segura?

  Just stole it, yeah.

• 1:02:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I'm gonna start doing that.

• 1:02:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's awesome.

• 1:02:45Speaker 05

  This is a shitty spray tan product. I did wanna be tanned, but come to find out, I bought the wrong freaking spray tan on Amazon. And this is the result.

• 1:02:58Tom Segura?

  Is that a woman?

• 1:02:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. It is her.

• 1:03:02Tom Segura?

  It's a lot of hair, right?

• 1:03:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  A lot of, oh.

• 1:03:05Tom Segura?

  Looks like chest and facial hair?

• 1:03:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, some broads have a lot of, like, hormonal stuff. No, it looks like hormonal hair. It does look like dude hair.

• 1:03:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, right.

• 1:03:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know what I'm saying?

• 1:03:15Tom Segura?

  Right, okay.

• 1:03:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, yeah, broads sometimes have to take off the hair.

• 1:03:19Tom Segura?

  That's quite a bit. Yeah, that's quite a bit of.

• 1:03:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:03:22Tom Segura?

  Also, that's real dark.

• 1:03:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Real chocolatey, yeah.

• 1:03:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. No, it's way too dark.

• 1:03:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, probably maybe go a shade lighter.

• 1:03:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've got to be conservative with spray tan or any self-tanner.

• 1:03:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because then it looks the best. Conservative is always the way to go with everything. You know, any facial work, I'm saying, like teeth, stuff like that.

• 1:03:43Tom Segura?

  Don't go too far, yeah.

• 1:03:47Speaker 06

  Our kids don't have bedtimes. They don't have any restrictions on any kind of media, and they can eat what they want, when they want. Now, when somebody first hears that, they tend to think. Well, I was about to say, that just sounds like chaos. I know, and most people think that. If you would have told me that 15 years ago, I would have believed the same thing. However, they make really good choices for themselves.

• 1:04:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, the kids have total freedom to, you know, anything from jumping on the trampoline at 2:00 in the morning to staying up late, you know.

• 1:04:17Speaker 02

  How late do the kids go to bed sometimes?

• 1:04:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, I mean, just last night, I basically said, "What do you think, Orion? Are you ready to go to bed?" And it was 3:05 a.m. And he said, "Yeah, I'm tired," and then.

• 1:04:28Speaker 02

  And how old is he?

• 1:04:29Speaker 04

  And he's five.

• 1:04:33Speaker 02

  I do little jabs, you know? They may go to bed and get up late, but a rules-free lifestyle doesn't mean the Martin kids sit on their hands. Devin, the eldest, spends much of his time learning practical skills, like woodwork and blacksmithing.

• 1:04:52Tom Segura?

  If I'm interested in woodworking, then I'm gonna woodwork. You know, if I'm interested in a video game, I'm gonna play that video game. You know, whatever I wanna do, I can do. Have you looked at subjects, though? Like, if you went to school, you'd do history, geography, math, English? If I wanted to, I would. I'm learning what I'm doing, and I'm doing it pretty well, I like to think. And I figure I can learn almost anything that way. History would be easy, I'd just go online and read about it. So you can learn a lot from online, you can learn a lot from YouTube, I guess. Yeah, we call it YouTube, the University of YouTube, or YouTube University. Have you ever thought that you might like to go to school? I've thought about it a few times, for about four seconds, and I realized, of course not. Why would I wanna leave this life and go to school?

• 1:05:38Tom Segura?

  It's fascinating.

• 1:05:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, it's definitely a way.

• 1:05:41Tom Segura?

  I remember meeting, knowing of, I should say, somebody who did this type of parenting.

• 1:05:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, like, free, total free rein?

• 1:05:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, and what happened? Are they injured?

• 1:05:52Tom Segura?

  I don't know, I don't know what happened. I know that the person that had access to this family is the one that told me about it.

• 1:06:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:06:02Tom Segura?

  Was like, it's, it doesn't, it's not that cool to witness.

• 1:06:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, listen, I, I think, from a parenting perspective, having everybody on a schedule just puts you at ease. Because if your kid's up, your five-year-old, until 3 a.m., that means your ass is up at 3 a.m., watching them jump on a fucking trampoline. And I'm not interested in that, bro.

• 1:06:25Tom Segura?

  I don't think so either, man, that was, that's... I mean, I understand that there's like, there's something cool about this, like...

• 1:06:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:33Tom Segura?

  I think the fact this kid's like, learning blacksmith work, whatever, you know, he's... Like, that kind of thing, you're like, oh, that's pretty rad. But the fact that there's no, like, people, I think kids want boundaries, they want, you know what I mean?

• 1:06:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  They need it, they need it to... Because if they're always anxious about, well, when's the next thing coming? Like, when is dinner? When is sleeping time? Then their, their brains aren't free to learn.

• 1:06:55Tom Segura?

  Cause I saw this is from the, the vaults, I thought we were gonna get a 10-year update.

• 1:06:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I would. Can you, can you search for that, Josh? That'd be really cool.

• 1:07:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's pretty crazy.

• 1:07:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, I hope he takes that stupid door knocker out of his fucking nose.

• 1:07:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  It looks dirty, too. Have it in a fucking shower?

• 1:07:11Speaker 05

  Congratulations, Jared. Congratulations, Jared. Congratulations, Jared. I'm coming out. Congratulations, Jared. Congratulations, Jared.

• 1:07:26Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:07:26Speaker 05

  Congratulations, Jared. I'm coming out. All right, this is for my friend Jared who came out recently. And I have to apologize, this was sent on Friday. And I'm just not getting to it. Uh, so I'm sorry. Jared, good for you, I'm happy for you. Know that you are loved and you're special. Okay.

• 1:07:47Tom Segura?

  Okay, thank you very much Christina.

• 1:07:49Speaker 05

  Congratulations, Jared. Congratulations, Jared. Coming out.

• 1:07:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't like that?

• 1:07:56Tom Segura?

  No. No, I mean, the, the, you know, the...

• 1:08:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 1:08:02Tom Segura?

  The reason for the message is nice. Congratulating someone on coming out, that's great.

• 1:08:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't like that?

• 1:08:07Tom Segura?

  The voice is terrible.

• 1:08:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Whatever.

• 1:08:09Tom Segura?

  Not whatever.

• 1:08:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Potato with Hato.

• 1:08:11Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:08:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe that's a really nice voice. Mariah Carey was known for her high pitched...

• 1:08:16Tom Segura?

  This does not sound like Mariah Carey.

• 1:08:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Singing.

• 1:08:18Tom Segura?

  It does not sound like Mariah Carey.

• 1:08:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not yet. The power of yet. Meghan Markle, yet. She's not... (laughing) She's not a Mariah Carey singer. Yet. Yet. Yet. Yet. (laughing) I haven't taken a shit today. Yet.

• 1:08:45Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 1:08:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  A moment of grand opening epic universe.

• 1:08:48Tom Segura?

  This is, uh, the murder gallery we're going to to kill everybody.

• 1:08:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my gosh. Oh, no one's going this way. Wow, I like seeing all these fat people running. That's good. This is madness. Jesus Christ. This is so cool.

• 1:09:11Tom Segura?

  This is a new exhibit?

• 1:09:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Guess. Oh my gosh.

• 1:09:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I guess this is Euro. It looks like Euro Disney.

• 1:09:20Tom Segura?

  The grand opening of Epic Universe.

• 1:09:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Universe.

• 1:09:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, there's, I've only seen one kid. I've seen one kid so far.

• 1:09:34Tom Segura?

  All right, hold on, what does it say there? Epic Universe, a new theme park located in Orlando, Florida, officially open May 22nd. 750 acre park features the five themed areas. Celestial Park, Dark Universe, How to Train Your Dragon, Isle of Berk, Super Nintendo World, and the Wizardry Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Ministry of Magic.

• 1:09:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  All good things.

• 1:09:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, those seem, I mean.

• 1:09:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  All fine.

• 1:09:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no kids in this video, you know, it's not one fucking kid.

• 1:10:00Tom Segura?

  Uh, scroll up a little bit, just a hair. So Celestial Park serves as the gateway to the other lands. It includes attractions like Stardust Racers, Constellation Carousel. Dark Universe is a shadowy world inspired by Universal's classic movie Monsters, featuring attractions like The Monsters Unchained, um, How to Train Your Dragons, obviously based on, uh, that world of dragons, Super Nintendo World. Immersive land featuring attractions like Mario Kart, and of course, the Harry Potter one, pretty self-explanatory there. Um, all right, so it's a new park. I didn't know that.

• 1:10:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Great, and again, I would probably love to take our children to it, but these, these are all adults geeking out and running. These are all fat adults running and geeking out.

• 1:10:44Tom Segura?

  You know, I feel like you're gonna get some backlash for this.

• 1:10:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't give a fucking shit. All these people need to be in mental institutions. This is ridiculous.

• 1:10:52Tom Segura?

  For the record, don't agree, everybody. Don't agree. I think she's wrong.

• 1:10:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, these, these adults that are into this stuff, this is mental illness, guys.

• 1:10:59Tom Segura?

  You just like what you like, and if it makes you happy, just go there.

• 1:11:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, just don't make videos. If you like what you like, do it privately. This dork puts it online.

• 1:11:07Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 1:11:09Speaker 02

  Piss Pups is today, Sunday, May 4th, from 4 to 9 p.m. For the location info, hit me up in my DMs and I'll send it on over.

• 1:11:18Tom Segura?

  Thirty-five bucks at the door.

• 1:11:19Speaker 02

  At the door.

• 1:11:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Piss Pups today.

• 1:11:21Speaker 02

  And follow your snout and sniff chipper out.

• 1:11:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  But we missed it on May 4th.

• 1:11:25Tom Segura?

  How is this different than the last video? How? How is this different?

• 1:11:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is for adults, babe. This is piss play.

• 1:11:32Tom Segura?

  Piss Pups?

• 1:11:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's for adults piss on each other. It's different.

• 1:11:35Tom Segura?

  Well, we needed for the Piss Pups to go to the fucking new park. They need to go to the, to the dark, how to train your dragon.

• 1:11:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  To spray everywhere?

• 1:11:43Tom Segura?

  And just to sniff with their snouts and just piss everywhere, yeah.

• 1:11:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  They need their own amusement park, the pups.

• 1:11:48Tom Segura?

  I would, by the way, just to put it out there, if the Piss Pups are listening, I would fund this venture.

• 1:11:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:11:55Tom Segura?

  If you guys would go as a group to piss all over this new park, I'll pay for it.

• 1:12:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, for fucking sure, I would do. Or a Piss Pups park. That would be fucking amazing.

• 1:12:06Tom Segura?

  That'd be rad, too.

• 1:12:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just a bunch of gay guys. Oh.

• 1:12:10Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:12:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck this shit.

• 1:12:13Tom Segura?

  The worst thing ever would be to be up here with like your kids.

• 1:12:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck.

• 1:12:19Tom Segura?

  Oh, is it Mexico City?

• 1:12:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's why. That's why.

• 1:12:23Tom Segura?

  No, it happens everywhere.

• 1:12:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like this? Oh, you're right. Oh, you're right. I shouldn't be so racist. No, you're right. This is during a storm and it looks like they have to stop the ride because of the storm, just the weather.

• 1:12:34Tom Segura?

  There must be some mechanical failure.

• 1:12:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just lower it.

• 1:12:38Tom Segura?

  Lower the guy. That's what I would be up there going, "Lower the fucking thing!"

• 1:12:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  And like, they saw the weather coming. They couldn't have lowered these poor people before the storm.

• 1:12:50Tom Segura?

  That's not about that. It's probably the storm's coming and they're like, "Hey, we're stuck."

• 1:12:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  At the same time. This is just bad timing, these poor people.

• 1:12:58Tom Segura?

  It is, man. Daddy Reese wouldn't be happy with that.

• 1:13:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  They are stuck up there in Mexico City.

• 1:13:03Tom Segura?

  Do you like to, you want the... By the way, I didn't realize that, um, the other day... There's a closing song here.

• 1:13:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:13:11Tom Segura?

  It's called "Any Where's Those Pants."

• 1:13:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:13:13Tom Segura?

  It's by Jumpman Studios.

• 1:13:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hell, yeah, dog.

• 1:13:16Tom Segura?

  You wanna hear it?

• 1:13:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:13:17Tom Segura?

  It's our closing song. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Check it out. Here's a new song. Wait, what? (mimicking singing) "Brother's pants, brother's pants. I'm close." (mimicking singing) "Brother's pants, brother's pants." Oh, my God, is he gonna fuck that bitch?

• 1:13:33Speaker 06

  Don't pull on my fucking strength.

• 1:13:40Speaker 06

  Don't, don't, don't pull on my fucking strength.

• 1:13:45Speaker 06

  Vagina!

• 1:13:49Speaker 06

  I'm close.

• 1:13:53Speaker 06

  I would punch yourself in fucking arm. Vagina!

• 1:14:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, so many dudes want to pull on my fucking-

• 1:14:03Speaker 06

  Vagina! Can't make my dad white.

• 1:14:07Speaker 06

  You know, I'm a work- I'm close.

• 1:14:11Speaker 06

  I'll suck your dick. What? Wait, what? You are so beautiful. As I can fuck you up.

• 1:14:19Speaker 06

  What? As I can fuck you up.

• 1:14:22Speaker 06

  I'm close.

• 1:14:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm usually the dude saying "brother's man." Good morning, good morning. Good morning, Julia. Look at you. Oh my god, is he gonna fuck that- I'll suck your dick.

• 1:14:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  The greatest moments of my life. Look at you.

• 1:14:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god, is he gonna fuck that-

• 1:14:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're welcome. That was amazing. Thank you.

• 1:14:47Tom Segura?

  At Edward Jones, we believe rich is more than caring about the latest and greatest. It's also taking care of what gives your life meaning. That's why your dedicated financial advisor meets you where you are with personalized financial strategies that help protect what matters, so you can preserve your progress while creating a path forward. The key to being rich is knowing what counts. Let's find your rich, together. Edward Jones. Member SIPC.