Steph Tolev is NAUSEATED By Cool Guys | Your Mom's House Ep. 814

Make sure to watch Steph Tolev’s new Netflix special Filth Queen releasing June 24th! SPONSORS: Head to https://www.squarespace.com/MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code MOM. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://BlueChew.com! Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code YMH -- just pay $5 shipping. No matter what your summer brings: Tear. Pour. Live More. Go to http://LIQUIDIV.com and get 20% off your first order with code YMH at checkout. This week on Your Mom's House, Tom Segura and Christina P welcome the feral and hilarious Steph Tolev into the Mommy Dome! Fresh off the release of her new Netflix stand-up special, Filth Queen, Steph dives face-first into a mess of cool guys and gets the ultimate YMH experience. The trio also talk about what Steph's Hustler mag poses would be, her formative years in Canada getting fingered by French boys, her boyfriend Jefferson, his famous uncle, and the Main Mommies quiz Steph on some US citizenship test questions. They also give Tony Johns a call, listen to some AI Keanu Reeves voice-clips, Steph almost pukes watching Norm's poutine, they check out some TikToks, and clown on Meghan Markle's podcast again. You wanna move in you can move in. Your Mom’s House Ep. 814 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:05:36 - Steph Tolev Is Doing Hustler 00:14:49 - Opening Clip: Corn Flakes In Your Booty 00:17:49 - Steph's Familiar Boyfriend 00:19:54 - US Citizenship Test 00:23:31 - Norm's Poutine 00:26:47 - Clip: Break It 00:27:30 - Clip: Norm's Cups 00:29:59 - Clip: Gay Grocery Shopping 00:33:08 - AI Keanu Reeves 00:40:51 - Some Cool Guys & Cool Gals 00:50:50 - Call With Tony Johns 01:02:49 - All Bricked Up 01:05:54 - Clip: It's Hard To Be Kristen Stewart 01:09:07 - Clip: Kim K's Nanny Army 01:11:44 - Clip: Meghan The Narcissist 01:13:17 - Clip: Lucky To Be With Me 01:13:58 - Jamie Kern Lima 01:17:04 - Clip: Marrying Your Cousin Is Halal 01:19:23 - Clip: Green Eyed Weirdo 01:23:19 - Closing Song - "Little Brick Building" by ChefZef & Wiley B Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Segura?

  Get ready, Milwaukee. I'll be filming my live special taping of my Come Together Tour in Milwaukee on Saturday, November 15th, at the Riverside Theater. Get your tickets to the special taping during the pre-sale today at 10 a.m. local time with the code word Tommy. I'll also be in Atlantic City, New Jersey, next weekend for two shows at Hard Rock Live at Eta's Arena on Friday, June 20th, and Saturday, June 21st. Tickets and all info are at tomsegura.com/tour.

• 0:41Tom Segura?

  And we are back, and joining us today is one of our absolute favorites. Don't forget, her new special comes out June 24th on Netflix. It's called Filth Queen. Please welcome Steph Tollem, everybody.

• 0:57Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 0:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Steph, you look amazing.

• 0:59Speaker 01

  I've shed a couple LBs.

• 1:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you're in the best shape.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  Put down the hot dogs, put down the old shipperinis, and here we are.

• 1:07Tom Segura?

  You look fit.

• 1:08Speaker 01

  I thank you. I am strong.

• 1:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Strong as hell.

• 1:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 1:12Speaker 01

  I think so. My legs are strong.

• 1:13Tom Segura?

  Do you like, you like the weight training?

• 1:15Speaker 01

  I hate it.

• 1:15Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  This morning, working out of my hotel, bragging, a woman was doing yoga and her husband was in there watching her.

• 1:22Tom Segura?

  Just jerking off?

• 1:24Speaker 01

  Just like, just, no, like, like, waiting for a man to look at her. And I was like, buddy, she's a butterface over here, so I don't know what you're looking at. No one's coming in here talking to her, so.

• 1:32Tom Segura?

  He was like, really protective?

• 1:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it was weird, because her face was so ugly. I feel so bad saying it, but it was hideous. And her body, I was like, oh, what a waste.

• 1:40Tom Segura?

  Great bod?

• 1:40Speaker 01

  Great bod. Apps.

• 1:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  But, or, like, what an improvement. Because if, I think if I had a healthier face, I would be working on the bod a lot more.

• 1:48Speaker 01

  Excuse me, what do you think I'm over here working out?

• 1:51Speaker 01

  I literally, my main reason was to lose weight for the special because I was like, I honestly, God, didn't want people to say that I was fat, ugly and a trans. And I was like, I could be, I could be the two. Let's get fat out of there. Ugly, trans, keep it in. Get the fat, the fuck out of there.

• 2:03Tom Segura?

  It's so great to recognize the

• 2:05Speaker 01

  Better muggly.

• 2:08Tom Segura?

  That you're beautiful, but to recognize that when you know the shoot's coming up because when I had, I shot the series back in October, it was like mid summer last year. And I was like, oh, I gotta fucking dial it in.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  You're fit. You're very fit.

• 2:22Tom Segura?

  I've gained, since we wrapped, I've gained 10, 12 pounds.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  Oh shit.

• 2:25Tom Segura?

  Because I, like, I was so determined to try to like lean down. I know, I gotta do it again.

• 2:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  You just have to stay in that place of self-loathing and restraint all the time.

• 2:35Tom Segura?

  It's good for you mentally. It's good.

• 2:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I go back and forth between like self-restraint. I'm not doing anything bad. And then I just go up like now I'm drinking wine every night. And then, you know what I mean? Five days later, I'm like, oh, I should rein it in.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  That's, it's

• 2:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody does.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  It is, but it's also, I feel like as a woman at this age, you have one piece of meat and you're fucking swollen. I'm like, the next morning, I have my, my double chin's back. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing right now?

• 2:59Tom Segura?

  What's your favorite food?

• 3:01Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck ravioli. Suck back some Chef Boyardee right now. Put it in a bowl.

• 3:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  The canned kind?

• 3:08Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're trash.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  I'm disgusting.

• 3:10Tom Segura?

  But you like pasta?

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, but like, but no meats, a steakhouse. I fucking fuck with the steak and the bernaise.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  I love a dip, I love a sauce.

• 3:20Tom Segura?

  Sauce. French food? French rich buttery sauces.

• 3:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, your Canadian treat. What's your favorite?

• 3:29Speaker 01

  Well, poutine. It's disgusting.

• 3:32Tom Segura?

  Like Norm's famous poutine?

• 3:33Speaker 01

  No, I haven't had that one.

• 3:34Tom Segura?

  You haven't had that?

• 3:35Speaker 01

  No.

• 3:36Tom Segura?

  Oh my God. Well, I'll pull it up for you. We have like a whole video of how he makes it. It's unbelievable.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  Is it good?

• 3:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:42Speaker 01

  Or is it somewhere, you say this and it's some weird video of a guy pulling cheese curds out of his pee hole? You did this to me last time. I'm like, oh, what is this? And it was some man getting ass railed. And I was like, I hate whatever this is.

• 3:54Speaker 01

  Okay, it is. It is, you guys.

• 3:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Seth, we've matured.

• 3:58Tom Segura?

  Changed a lot.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 3:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we've changed a lot.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  I'm waiting for a dick to be one of those fries right now. I'm just waiting for it.

• 4:04Tom Segura?

  Just before, oh god, I love, we'll do a whole poutine thing here in a minute. I love poutine.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  It's so good.

• 4:09Tom Segura?

  I think the first time I had it was like when I went for the Montreal Comedy Festival.

• 4:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, me too.

• 4:14Tom Segura?

  I hadn't ever experienced, I was like, oh shit, this is fantastic.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  Cause you need the squeaky curds, that's the main thing.

• 4:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  Squeaky curds and you need the like beef gravy.

• 4:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like that gravy.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  The gravy's good.

• 4:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do they put it on anything else? They should put it on like pasta.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 4:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can they put it on pasta? I don't know dude.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  That'd be nice.

• 4:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Especially when you're drunk, walking around.

• 4:32Speaker 01

  Oh, the Belle Provence, that disgusting place where the men that work there are like wet. Like they go to like punch it and their fingers like slip off the couches or they're so, they're like, you could wring their dicks out. They're all like a pile of oil. Oh yeah, the pores are so deep, it's so gross.

• 4:47Tom Segura?

  Good food.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  Oh, just delicious. See the hot dog poutine?

• 4:50Tom Segura?

  Did you go to Montreal a lot as a, like, growing up or was that kind of like?

• 4:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, because you could drink younger. You could drink at seventeen.

• 4:57Tom Segura?

  Doesn't it feel crazy even though you're from, like, I always felt when I went there, you're like, oh, I feel like I'm four thousand miles away. It doesn't feel like you're in.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  It doesn't feel like you're anywhere. No, it was a five hour drive from Toronto. So my parents let me borrow my car. We'd go when I was sixteen, we'd lie and say we were seventeen and get into all the bars.

• 5:10Tom Segura?

  Amazing.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, and I was quite a little kissy kissy. Those French boys didn't care about the nose, they liked the old French Nozorino. I was getting fingered left, right and center on those bars.

• 5:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, just fingers. I wasn't, I was, I'm not gonna go all the way, but I'll let them finger me in a dark alley.

• 5:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's sweet of you.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  It was cold, I kept their fingers warm.

• 5:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course. You're so thoughtful.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  I'm a nice gal.

• 5:34Tom Segura?

  Fingers warm could be a good name. Finger warmer?

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Finger warmer?

• 5:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  I'll do that for my Hustler shoot. Put your fingers in here, boys, warm them up.

• 5:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  We've been talking about this, so before we got on camera, you're gonna do a Hustler shit.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  I am.

• 5:47Tom Segura?

  Legs spread, ankles over the head.

• 5:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's look up some poses for you to practice.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  If I did legs over the head, I would become a paraplegic, my legs will never go back down. I swear to god, if you locked my legs back there, we're screwed.

• 5:59Tom Segura?

  Why don't you do one of those two cock poses?

• 6:01Speaker 01

  That I can do. I can do two cocks. I hope my boyfriend'd love that. I can do two cocks though. I'm not doing a full spread.

• 6:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, let's, let's discuss what you're gonna do. Should we plan?

• 6:09Speaker 01

  I mean, we don't, I will say-

• 6:11Tom Segura?

  What about, what about on the knees?

• 6:13Speaker 01

  Knees is good.

• 6:14Tom Segura?

  Looking back, right? Hold on.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  Butt?

• 6:16Tom Segura?

  Looking back and spreading one cheek. So you, you spread with-

• 6:20Speaker 01

  See the butthole?

• 6:21Tom Segura?

  Butthole, yeah, butthole.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  No, I can't be showing my eight, my anus is a mess. We were talking about the bathroom. I got hemorrhoids, there's a whole thing. That's not Hustler. What is that? If that's Hustler, I'm fucked.

• 6:29Tom Segura?

  No, we want, we want a Hustler.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  That woman on the beach, sand in your pussy. Do you know how many sand fleas are down there? It's upsetting.

• 6:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you have to think about how your thighs look. Like when you're on your knees, your, my thighs don't look great.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  My legs are my only good quality.

• 6:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  So I can slop around the legs. It's the pussy and the tits and the ass and the asshole that are the problem. It's everything else that's the problem.

• 6:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 6:50Speaker 01

  So maybe we'll just do just legs.

• 6:52Tom Segura?

  You could do these.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  Some of these are okay. Okay, yeah, like the, the, the forward lean with the boot. I can push the boobs forward. That's nice.

• 6:58Tom Segura?

  That's nice.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  Look, somebody else in a one piece. Give me a one piece.

• 7:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  What about that? Look, do you have a nice tush?

• 7:03Speaker 01

  That one, that one piece!

• 7:04Tom Segura?

  Can you do that one with the dropping?

• 7:05Speaker 01

  I can do the dropping. I can do the no pussy out. This is nice.

• 7:08Tom Segura?

  Oh, right. It's just covering-

• 7:10Speaker 01

  I mean, I need a little bit more fabric there. I'll tell you that.

• 7:13Tom Segura?

  Can I just see a little lip?

• 7:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody's tits look good like that. That's why that's a good pose.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, that's a good pose.

• 7:19Tom Segura?

  Can we see a little more hardcore?

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, let's see what I, I'm up against here. Let's see a little bit more, um, anus.

• 7:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Spread?

• 7:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, the spread. Also, what do you do with a spread? One hand spread.

• 7:31Tom Segura?

  But take, take cover out of there. Just-

• 7:33Speaker 01

  Okay, these ones are okay.

• 7:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Poses, like Hustler magazine.

• 7:37Speaker 01

  So there's, there is tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  That could be pretty. You look pretty.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Wet, um-

• 7:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause they look better when they're oiled.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  They do look oiled up. They look nice oiled.

• 7:47Tom Segura?

  Oh, how about that? With the leg spread right there?

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Do I bring in my own oiler?

• 7:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's nice.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  What's the leg spread?

• 7:53Tom Segura?

  Like that?

• 7:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's nice, Steph.

• 7:55Speaker 01

  Oh my-

• 7:56Tom Segura?

  Just do that.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 7:58Tom Segura?

  You know, everyone's gonna talk about your shoot. Everyone's gonna talk about it.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  I do that, I will lose every fan I've ever had.

• 8:04Tom Segura?

  No.

• 8:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, or you'll gain some.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  I'll gain ones that I don't want.

• 8:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, there's Jules Ventura, yeah. But that's a hard pose for me to do. That wouldn't be flattering for me.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  That's all my lady will be dragging on the floor. That, that pose is absurd.

• 8:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you have a heavy lady?

• 8:17Speaker 01

  Yes, well, I'd be peeking around.

• 8:19Tom Segura?

  Or like where you're holding your leg up. See how that one there, she's holding her leg up like that?

• 8:23Speaker 01

  That's, but look how, look at that vagina. That's, I call that the old two lines in a hole. There's not a lot of-

• 8:28Tom Segura?

  The old two lines in a hole.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Does she have a hemorrhoid? She's got a pimple by her asshole.

• 8:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, they'll airbrush out the hemorrhoids. Everybody's got hemorrhoids.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  They didn't for her.

• 8:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's, that's a nice pose.

• 8:40Tom Segura?

  That's really sweet. That's a nice pose.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  That's sweet.

• 8:42Tom Segura?

  That's really sweet.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  It does look childlike. There's a nice, you know what is the lighting? It's a soft lighting.

• 8:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's the tough part, Steph. You should practice now your angles and finding your angles there.

• 8:52Speaker 01

  I'll tell you what.

• 8:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm serious.

• 8:53Speaker 01

  Crane. Get the camera in a crane, hover it over a street view.

• 8:58Tom Segura?

  Oh, angles are, yeah.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  Way up or going up.

• 9:00Tom Segura?

  Imagine seeing your butthole. There you go. That's what you gotta do.

• 9:03Speaker 01

  Okay, that one I could do. Everything is covered.

• 9:05Tom Segura?

  No panties, no bra, but like just like that.

• 9:07Speaker 01

  I have a hairy ass. I'm gonna have to wax everything. This is gonna be a lot.

• 9:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you better before the shoot.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  I know. What am I thinking? Start growing it out now.

• 9:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everything waxed.

• 9:16Tom Segura?

  Dude, that's gonna be so cool.

• 9:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is it just you or can you have a male partner in it or is it?

• 9:20Speaker 01

  I think it's just me.

• 9:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just you?

• 9:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:22Tom Segura?

  You and your butthole, nothing else.

• 9:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I just put a mustaching to the guys in my asshole. Me and my partner. There he is.

• 9:28Tom Segura?

  Dude, if you put little, if you did a little, like the, the Groucho thing on your asshole.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  That's, I'll do that. That's funny. That is funny.

• 9:38Tom Segura?

  You will go viral.

• 9:39Speaker 01

  That is, oh my goodness gracious.

• 9:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  So nut. How does she do it?

• 9:43Tom Segura?

  That's rad.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 9:45Tom Segura?

  She's awesome.

• 9:46Speaker 01

  That's-

• 9:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you?

• 9:47Speaker 01

  That kinda looks like you.

• 9:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, right? That's me right now. I was like, is that you?

• 9:51Tom Segura?

  The girl to the right, the double, look at that. The two of them.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  The two of them, just, two gals hanging out.

• 9:58Tom Segura?

  You know what the funny thing is?

• 9:58Speaker 01

  Just two girls goofing off, huh?

• 10:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  This could be you and me.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  Everybody's do it. Come do it with me.

• 10:03Tom Segura?

  Everybody in this pose is happy. Look at all the, they're always happy.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  Are they? They look kinda like if you zoom in, they look like they're really struggling.

• 10:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, they look so calm, I was gonna say.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  I think they look like they're strained a bit.

• 10:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  They love it.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  Very bizarre pose.

• 10:17Tom Segura?

  The one that the bar was like, I'll take the pillow underneath my body, please.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, that looks crazy. God, buttholes are so gross.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  They really are gross.

• 10:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, Steph, you and I should recreate this pose.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Oh, God. Look at that, it's so open.

• 10:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you something? I hate when they spread it too, the spread is too hard.

• 10:39Speaker 01

  I'm not a doctor.

• 10:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I don't like that spread.

• 10:41Speaker 01

  Cause also, what is that in there? What's that piece?

• 10:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know what that, I don't have it.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  I don't, you might have a piece.

• 10:46Tom Segura?

  You're looking at it.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  What is that piece? Is that piece real?

• 10:50Tom Segura?

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• 13:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, do we have the piece? Tom, does she have the piece? It looks like a larynx. What is the piece, babe? It looks like if you're gutting a chicken, there's like a piece in there.

• 13:10Tom Segura?

  You're focused so much on the cooch and her butthole, like, look at that tit situation.

• 13:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I didn't even notice it. Can I tell you something? To be honest. Steph, you should practice your spread if you choose to do it. How far are you gonna spread?

• 13:21Tom Segura?

  If you're doing toys, one in your ass and one in your vagina, one in your mouth, you gotta start practicing. It's gonna really stress you out that day.

• 13:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, God. Toys? No. I have to show them I'm healthy.

• 13:32Tom Segura?

  You wanna do it?

• 13:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wanna do this after I get my new tits. I'm gonna heal a little bit. Yeah, you can have fresh cuts. No, and then I'm gonna do this. What do you think?

• 13:40Tom Segura?

  Oh, it's a fucking great idea.

• 13:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a great idea.

• 13:42Tom Segura?

  It's so supportive. Everyone will know at school for the boys, they'll be like, hey, I saw your mom.

• 13:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Great spread. What are you talking about? This is a good thing. You can give it to their teachers for Christmas. We can give it to everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:54Tom Segura?

  One of these chicks has definitely at least signed it like, hey, Merry Christmas.

• 13:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Actually, I know somebody who did a very provocative shoot in Playboy, and she signed a bunch and gave it to her dad for her dad to give his employees.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Huh. So think about that, too. Well, I don't want to think about that. I actually hate that. And now I'm like, I'm for sure covering everything up. I'm scared my tits are gonna come out when the special comes out. Because I've sent these jugs off.

• 14:21Tom Segura?

  Don't forget, Filth Queen, June 24th on Netflix. And

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Oopsies.

• 14:26Tom Segura?

  Steph will be spreading her butthole for your entertainment in Hustler very soon.

• 14:31Speaker 01

  No, I won't. But yeah, these jugs are coming out, for sure.

• 14:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your generation, you guys have all sent around your body. At this point, is there even any shame to that?

• 14:40Speaker 01

  Well, there should be, because it was never, I was always like a double chin in it, or like I had a tit hair. Like, I was never like, I wasn't prepping them. I wasn't oiling them up.

• 14:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you should oil them up.

• 14:50Tom Segura?

  We didn't even play our opening clip.

• 14:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God. We were just so

• 14:53Speaker 01

  We were just gabbing.

• 14:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Too much fun.

• 14:54Tom Segura?

  Right? Here you go.

• 14:56Speaker 03

  I'm gonna put some corn flick in your booty with some milk. Oh, yeah, girl. I'm trying to tell you.

• 15:06Speaker 03

  Nigga, my nice, you know that's for you. That milk and corn flick in your booty.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  Megan, that's it. You next.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 15:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, corn flick, raisin brain.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Raisin brain.

• 15:20Speaker 03

  In your booty.

• 15:24Speaker 03

  Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone mothering to this. Yo, mama, the fucking stand!

• 15:29Speaker 04

  Welcome, welcome to Your Mom's House with Tom Segura.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  Mom Segura.

• 15:38Speaker 03

  Nigga, my nice.

• 15:40Speaker 04

  Welcome to Your Mom's House.

• 15:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why are you trying to turn on Steph?

• 15:48Speaker 01

  See, that's the guy, that's what I'm gonna have liking me after. I don't want that after my spread. He also putting milk in. Unless you have hot sauce in your asshole, you can't be putting milk in there. It's true. Milk, that's all.

• 16:02Tom Segura?

  You wouldn't like to have cornflakes eaten out of your butt?

• 16:06Speaker 01

  I'm good.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  I really don't like, ass eating is...

• 16:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 16:12Speaker 01

  I mean, you have to be scrubbed. This is the longest intro I've ever heard in my life. Does it keep going? I was like, can I talk yet? It's four hours.

• 16:20Tom Segura?

  Fifteen years of the same intro.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  That long?

• 16:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, every single episode.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Huh. Maybe I was nervous last time. This time I'm irritated. I'm like, can we wrap up the whole thing? I gotta talk about my asshole.

• 16:30Tom Segura?

  It's so long. It is so long.

• 16:32Speaker 01

  It's so long.

• 16:33Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  No edits, huh? What is it, three minutes?

• 16:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's pretty long. Pretty long.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  It's still going. It's still going.

• 16:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's always into eating stuff out of girls' butts. That's his thing.

• 16:46Tom Segura?

  That is.

• 16:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna lick your booty, I'm gonna put a whipped cream in there, a banana, and the banana split.

• 16:50Tom Segura?

  Y'all know what's a banana split? Yeah, and then he goes, and then he goes, "I'm gonna crush up some corn chips." You're like, "That's not even a banana split."

• 16:57Speaker 01

  No, he's getting carried away.

• 16:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he gets real carried away.

• 17:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's very thin. He's not an eating guy. So what is this food thing?

• 17:04Speaker 01

  Maybe no one's let him do it.

• 17:06Tom Segura?

  No, actually, I was with him when he did it to somebody.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Are you serious?

• 17:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  You've met this man in person?

• 17:11Tom Segura?

  I flew to-

• 17:12Speaker 01

  No, you didn't.

• 17:12Tom Segura?

  I swear to God. I flew to Lafayette, or where was it?

• 17:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, right?

• 17:16Tom Segura?

  Louisiana.

• 17:17Speaker 01

  To meet this man.

• 17:18Tom Segura?

  And then we, a girl came in the room, and he put banana and corn chips and ice cream in her ass, and he ate it all out.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  She opened it up?

• 17:27Tom Segura?

  I mean...

• 17:28Speaker 01

  More closed.

• 17:29Tom Segura?

  You know.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  Are people not worried about eustachies anymore?

• 17:33Speaker 01

  If a little bit of dairy would even near, if I don't wear cotton underwear, I'm scratching for three weeks.

• 17:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  I don't know what to tell you right now. We're airing out right now, baby. I gotta, we're not slopping in a fucking corn chip.

• 17:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know. It's crazy.

• 17:45Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 17:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's gross.

• 17:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 17:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's disgusting.

• 17:47Tom Segura?

  But I could also, if you're, I know you're seeing someone, if you're not, I could hook you up with him.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  My boyfriend is so hot. That is, and he's real, that is alarming.

• 17:56Tom Segura?

  Well, tell me about your boyfriend.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  I love my boyfriend so much. He's, okay. You know Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore?

• 18:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:02Speaker 01

  It's his nephew, and they look exactly alike.

• 18:05Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 18:05Speaker 01

  Bring up Jefferson McDonald. Bring him up. Um, yeah, full name. I don't know if I'm allowed to-

• 18:10Tom Segura?

  Jefferson McDonald?

• 18:11Speaker 01

  I love him so much.

• 18:12Tom Segura?

  You love him so much. How long you been seeing him?

• 18:13Speaker 01

  A year and a half. There he is. There's my lover.

• 18:17Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 18:17Speaker 01

  He looks exactly like him.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  He lo- it's so fucking crazy. So I met him at the Laugh Factory. He's a singer, he's a piano player. He opens for me now on the road and he uh opens for my pussy, my asshole. Um, not my asshole, it's a mess back there. But he uh, he's a very sweet boy and I met, he was at um, at a show with Shooter at the Laugh Factory in LA and I was fangirling over Shooter and he was with him and uh, I was like, who's this?

• 18:46Tom Segura?

  Dude eerily looked-

• 18:47Speaker 01

  It's bizarre.

• 18:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  It's like, how do uncles look that much like they're fucking, it's crazy.

• 18:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe they're not uncles.

• 18:54Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  I saw his dad, his dad looks like him, but his, it's, they have the same mouth.

• 18:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you grow up, did you have a boner for him?

• 19:03Speaker 01

  Well, yeah.

• 19:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  I hate to break it to you, I did, there he is, he's at my podcast. I um, I, I really did. That's why I met, look at us, look at us.

• 19:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Aww.

• 19:12Speaker 01

  We're a cute couple.

• 19:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a real Aryan dazzler.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  I know. You know why? I always liked a real white guy because my Baba always was like, "Merry Bulgarian, she bits in the family" and I was like, "Ooh, I don't want anything like this." "I don't want anyone who looks like anyone in my family, they're all hideous people." "I don't want any Bulgarians, enough hair on my body, we don't need more hairs, combining up here is disgusting behavior."

• 19:34Tom Segura?

  And you met at the club, how long ago?

• 19:36Speaker 01

  About a year and a half ago.

• 19:37Tom Segura?

  Oh wow.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Almost two years, yeah, yeah, I know, he's, he moved in with me right away, three months.

• 19:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Whoa.

• 19:41Speaker 01

  Oh yeah.

• 19:42Tom Segura?

  Three months?

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, I'm, oh yeah, he's coming, he's flying in right now to see me.

• 19:47Tom Segura?

  And you live in LA together?

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Living in LA together. He was on a cruise ship in Japan for three weeks and now he's-

• 19:51Tom Segura?

  And let me ask you this, is he American?

• 19:52Speaker 01

  He's American, so if I fail my citizenship test.

• 19:56Tom Segura?

  So she's testing soon.

• 19:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  I am.

• 19:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna tell you, they're gonna ask you, they're gonna ask you to write a sentence in English.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Any sentence.

• 20:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta know the president, the vice president.

• 20:05Speaker 01

  I'm gonna say, "I heart Donald Trump."

• 20:07Tom Segura?

  Alright.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  I'm gonna wear a Make America Great hat.

• 20:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  You should.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  I'm writing in there.

• 20:10Tom Segura?

  Let's uh, let's test you on a few things.

• 20:13Speaker 01

  Oh god, okay, this is embarrassing, I'm stupid.

• 20:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, we're gonna test you for your quiz, we're preparing you.

• 20:17Tom Segura?

  This is, we're gonna-

• 20:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna try to write the answer down too, I might be wrong too, I'm so stupid.

• 20:21Tom Segura?

  When was the Constitution written?

• 20:23Speaker 01

  Oh, seventeen seventy six.

• 20:26Tom Segura?

  No.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Seventy seventy two?

• 20:28Tom Segura?

  No.

• 20:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nineteen eighty five.

• 20:29Tom Segura?

  No. Constitution. Not when was the country founded.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  Did you know what it was?

• 20:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fourteen fifty.

• 20:39Tom Segura?

  Okay, are you ready?

• 20:40Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 20:40Tom Segura?

  Seventeen eighty seven.

• 20:42Speaker 01

  Seventeen eighty seven.

• 20:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody knows that. They're not gonna ask you that.

• 20:45Speaker 01

  Seventeen, I was close.

• 20:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're not gonna ask you that.

• 20:47Tom Segura?

  Don't, don't rely on that.

• 20:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're gonna ask you the, the most basic shit.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 20:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Trust me. Dum-dums passes.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  That's hard. Did anyone know that, listening? Seventeen eighty seven?

• 20:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're gonna ask you, what do the stars and stripes represent on the flag?

• 21:00Speaker 01

  States and colonies.

• 21:02Tom Segura?

  Oh, here's one that could, ready?

• 21:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 21:04Tom Segura?

  Who is the father of our country?

• 21:06Speaker 01

  George Washington.

• 21:07Tom Segura?

  Good.

• 21:08Speaker 01

  Oh, I like to call him, mm, Papa, Michael Jackson, puppy, puppy.

• 21:13Tom Segura?

  When is Flag Day?

• 21:15Speaker 01

  Who the? Oh, June. It's in June.

• 21:17Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  I've, I've read these cards a lot.

• 21:19Tom Segura?

  Okay, okay, good.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. See? I'm American.

• 21:22Tom Segura?

  What is the largest state?

• 21:24Speaker 01

  Uh, Texas.

• 21:25Tom Segura?

  No.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  California.

• 21:26Tom Segura?

  No.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  Alaska. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Damn it. I should've got that. That, see, I'm, I'm failing. That's, that's three wrong already.

• 21:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're doing great.

• 21:34Tom Segura?

  Should Canada be the fifty first state?

• 21:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 21:37Tom Segura?

  Good answer.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  I know, that's not the, I, I, I would say no normally, no offense, but I.

• 21:41Tom Segura?

  Yes, for the.

• 21:42Speaker 01

  That's not a question.

• 21:43Tom Segura?

  No, it's not.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  You added that one in, asshole.

• 21:46Tom Segura?

  I did, cuz they might just add it.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  They might, and I'll say, Canada, pfft, sucks.

• 21:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  Burn them all. Burn my whole family alive. I don't care. I wanna be American.

• 21:54Tom Segura?

  What is the political party of the president now?

• 21:56Speaker 01

  Republican.

• 21:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  Good. See?

• 21:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, you're good.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  I'm good.

• 21:59Tom Segura?

  Couple more, couple more.

• 22:00Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 22:01Tom Segura?

  How many states are in the United States?

• 22:02Speaker 01

  Fifty.

• 22:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you sure? I thought it was fifty two.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  I know, that's why I thought it was fifty two, that's why, but that says fifty, so I'm getting confused.

• 22:09Tom Segura?

  It's fifty, baby.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  It is fifty?

• 22:10Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 22:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you sure?

• 22:11Tom Segura?

  Definitely.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  What are the other, why is there fifty two stars then?

• 22:14Tom Segura?

  Are you thinking of playing cards? There's not fifty two stars.

• 22:18Speaker 01

  It's fifty. Fifty stars, okay. Okay, so I gotta, I gotta write.

• 22:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Who elects Congress?

• 22:22Speaker 01

  The people. The blue ones are easy.

• 22:25Tom Segura?

  Oh, they are?

• 22:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's why I know the blue ones. The red ones are hard.

• 22:28Tom Segura?

  Oh, okay. So who wrote the Declaration of Independence?

• 22:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your mother.

• 22:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who the fuck wrote it? Who know, do you know that, who, who wrote it?

• 22:36Tom Segura?

  Also, don't disrespect these questions.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 22:39Tom Segura?

  You're a guest in this country.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Wait, is it a person's name?

• 22:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Hold on. John? C. Riley? Tom? Thomas Jefferson?

• 22:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:50Speaker 01

  Yes. I need you there pointing. The point helped me.

• 22:54Tom Segura?

  Okay, now you're gonna get this one.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Okay, here we go.

• 22:56Tom Segura?

  When was the Declaration of Independence adopted?

• 23:01Speaker 01

  Did I already say the number?

• 23:02Tom Segura?

  You, yeah, you had it earlier.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  Okay, seventeen, no, seventeen. You did that, now I think I have not. Seventeen seventy-two? Seventy-six?

• 23:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, and which specific date?

• 23:14Speaker 01

  A full date?

• 23:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, it's a, come on.

• 23:16Speaker 01

  Oh, July 4th?

• 23:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  Seventy-six, okay.

• 23:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you got it, man.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 23:20Tom Segura?

  Dude, welcome to America.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  Welcome to America. Try to kick me out now, Trump. Please don't. I've tried so hard, I've worked so hard to get here.

• 23:28Tom Segura?

  Well, look, let's shift it to...

• 23:30Speaker 01

  Let's shift it to...

• 23:31Tom Segura?

  Something Canadian. So, we told you, poutine.

• 23:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:35Tom Segura?

  Huge hit.

• 23:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 23:36Tom Segura?

  Great, fantastic food.

• 23:38Speaker 05

  Hello.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  I fucking knew it.

• 23:40Speaker 05

  French Canadian poutine fries.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  The fuck?

• 23:44Speaker 05

  What are poutine fries? Well, poutine fries are basically your fries, cheese, and a great appetite.

• 23:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  What on God's green earth am I looking at right now?

• 23:55Tom Segura?

  This Norm's cemetery.

• 23:56Speaker 05

  However, there's gonna be a bit of a change to the recipe. Everybody likes to change the recipe.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  No, they don't.

• 24:01Speaker 05

  These ones are gonna have fries, cheese, pig shit, and pig piss. Ooh, it's gonna be a treat.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  He's Canadian too, by the way. No, don't, don't.

• 24:13Tom Segura?

  He's from Calgary.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  Well, that makes sense. Keep those...

• 24:17Speaker 05

  Okay, so let's get, let's get things happening.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  Oh, no. Does it come out? His penis comes out?

• 24:22Speaker 05

  We'll pee on the fries first.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. What's... Wait, what is it?

• 24:27Tom Segura?

  It's in a cage.

• 24:28Speaker 05

  Pig shit dump on my fries. They have water sprayed on them.

• 24:31Speaker 01

  I can't look at this, actually. This is grotesque. No, he doesn't poo.

• 24:37Tom Segura?

  No, it's just some pig piss.

• 24:38Speaker 05

  Make sure all the fries are covered in pig piss.

• 24:41Tom Segura?

  What, you're not even proud to be Canadian anymore?

• 24:44Speaker 01

  This is our Canadian test. This is what we have to do.

• 24:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  This guy's fries.

• 24:48Tom Segura?

  That's how you become a citizen.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:49Tom Segura?

  So every immigrant?

• 24:50Speaker 01

  No, no, I actually can't watch this. Watch this. Watch this. It's so good. Oh my god, I hate you guys.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Is it done yet? Oh god, god.

• 25:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is the best part.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  No, I can't, I can't. The fact that you've already watched this is, is making me so... What's that?

• 25:08Tom Segura?

  Some cheese?

• 25:11Speaker 01

  I don't know why it's worse than the rest of it. Somehow that...

• 25:13Tom Segura?

  Oh, god.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  He doesn't eat it. I'm not gonna be able to throw up. Does he eat it?

• 25:17Tom Segura?

  No.

• 25:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, just look. It's...

• 25:19Speaker 01

  I can't look!

• 25:20Tom Segura?

  You gotta look.

• 25:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just go watch.

• 25:22Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, again.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  Is this why it's a garbage here? I'm not joking. I'm asking my throat.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  I hate it. Why is it still going?

• 25:33Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  Why are all your clips so long?

• 25:38Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, I'm gonna throw up. That's so bad. It has to stop.

• 25:41Tom Segura?

  Okay, okay.

• 25:42Speaker 01

  It actually has to stop.

• 25:43Tom Segura?

  Alright, I'll...

• 25:43Speaker 01

  I can't, you know what? I can't...

• 25:46Tom Segura?

  This show is sponsored by Liquid IV. I've got a few big plans this summer, some travel, some time outdoors, and definitely some long days in the sun. So I'm loading up now with everything I need to stay ahead of the heat, and top of that list is Liquid IV. It's peak hydration season and Liquid IV is the perfect companion. They just launched Arctic Raspberry in their sugar-free options. Use "Live Hydroscience" for smart, effective hydration. Always keep a few sticks in my bag whether I'm off to a barbecue, gearing up for a show, or just out and about. It's easy. Tear, pour, mix with 16 ounces of water, done. My go-to flavors are White Peach and Lemon Lime, and they've got fun ones like Rainbow sherbet and Cotton Candy.

• 26:28Tom Segura?

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• 26:52Tom Segura?

  You ever seen a super strong guy?

• 26:54Speaker 01

  No, he's gonna break something. I hate these videos.

• 26:57Tom Segura?

  He's gonna crack this fucking cement thing.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  No, he's gonna do something bad with his body.

• 27:00Tom Segura?

  No.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  This is horrendous. Stop lying to me.

• 27:02Tom Segura?

  It's not, I promise, look.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  No, I can't.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  I'm gonna watch your reaction.

• 27:07Tom Segura?

  I swear.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  No, I can't. No, it's something bad. It's a bone's gonna... Yes, it is!

• 27:12Tom Segura?

  I promise.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  I'm watching your face.

• 27:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's really nice so far.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  No.

• 27:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's nothing, Steph.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  No, it's...

• 27:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just why?

• 27:20Speaker 01

  I can't... I hate this shit.

• 27:23Tom Segura?

  He just gives up.

• 27:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's it?

• 27:24Tom Segura?

  That's it, yeah.

• 27:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the clip?

• 27:26Tom Segura?

  I told you, yeah.

• 27:27Speaker 01

  I don't believe anything you say. I trust you.

• 27:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is this?

• 27:30Speaker 01

  Oh, that was bad. You know what? I need to watch that video once a week now, so I won't eat anymore.

• 27:35Tom Segura?

  There's Norm. He used to be a mortgage broker in Canada.

• 27:37Speaker 01

  That's terrifying. If you trusted that guy with your finances and your mortgage, and then you found out that's what he had underneath all the time...

• 27:44Tom Segura?

  And then you find out this chef who's making all these crazy...

• 27:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, a chef. Yeah, let's call that a Canadian chef. Yeah. You ever do the keg? That's what they... That's an appetizer, a keg.

• 27:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  What a difference a head tattoo makes, too, huh?

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ.

• 27:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a real changer.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  You can tell. No, you can tell with the soulless eyes. He's got no lids. They're dry as hell. Ew.

• 28:07Tom Segura?

  He looks way different now.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  I hate that man.

• 28:10Tom Segura?

  Like that, the poutine video?

• 28:12Speaker 01

  I hate him so much. No, I'm actually like really upset right now.

• 28:16Tom Segura?

  That's him now.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  No, he's a bad man.

• 28:18Tom Segura?

  Oh, with the... underneath it with the pig. See how it says...

• 28:21Speaker 01

  What the fuck is his problem?

• 28:23Tom Segura?

  That's him now. He got the tattooed pig on his forehead.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  Why is he so sick about pigs?

• 28:28Tom Segura?

  He likes being like a submissive to a couple, uh, doms, so...

• 28:33Speaker 01

  Those doms better be getting paid millions upon millions of dollars to go near that man.

• 28:37Tom Segura?

  I think they're getting anything they can get out of him.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  The smell that radiates off of that pig pissing clown, I can't.

• 28:44Tom Segura?

  What's crazy is what you're saying right now is making him so hard.

• 28:46Speaker 01

  I know. Does he watch this?

• 28:48Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  No, he can't look at my house and spread.

• 28:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  You should try tit cups for Hustler.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  Tit cups?

• 28:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just show her what we're talking about.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  I saw the tit cup. I saw they swell them up, they push them in.

• 29:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  So he doesn't have his boobs done, he just puts them in these cups.

• 29:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  That looks nice. That's a nice angle.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  Full name. Summerton. Good.

• 29:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Seven hours. Could you do that?

• 29:15Speaker 01

  This man, this is a bad man. I hate this man more than I've hated anybody.

• 29:20Tom Segura?

  He's a sweet guy.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  Different interests? Yeah, this is hot.

• 29:24Tom Segura?

  Look at these tit cups come off.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  And also endurance. And they come off and they... Seven hours.

• 29:30Speaker 01

  It's a long time. Oh, the sound of his armpit was stuck in that pit.

• 29:34Tom Segura?

  Isn't that great? I mean...

• 29:43Speaker 01

  He loves this.

• 29:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  He really does.

• 29:48Tom Segura?

  It's crazy that you're not a fan of like a really well-known Canadian celebrity.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  Stop. Celine Dion. Let's, that's this. Was that, that was her old hus- husband? He's that same age?

• 29:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Alright, let's, enough upsetting you. Annie, I got something for you. Check it out.

• 30:02Speaker 01

  Oh, Tom.

• 30:04Speaker 01

  No, this I can get behind.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  That was funny.

• 30:22Tom Segura?

  Annie, does this bother you?

• 30:25Tom Segura?

  Eh, whatever. Yeah, go ahead.

• 30:27Speaker 01

  Those shorts are crazy.

• 30:29Tom Segura?

  They're crazy.

• 30:29Speaker 01

  No! It's full anus. Or just don't wear pants. But this is what gay guys do. They just advertise it so hard. Those pants are just like, at this point, I'd rather a bare ass.

• 30:40Tom Segura?

  We're used to seeing women in shit like this at this point. Women wear stuff like this all the time.

• 30:43Speaker 01

  All the time. I love this. I think more gay men should wear this. Look at that ass.

• 30:52Speaker 01

  Chio Bonis? Let's see the front. Let's see the front. Oh, the front's small. He's, he's wearing a thong. But is it tucked in? Oh no, he's wearing a thong.

• 31:01Tom Segura?

  His ass is insane. That's his real ass?

• 31:04Speaker 01

  I think those are implants. No, those might be implants. Cause they're so feminine. They're so round.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  No, you know what? That's a Canadian. Oh, Canadian made down here, he said. A Canadian made down here. Maple cookies. I know those fucking cookies.

• 31:20Tom Segura?

  He's an asshole kinda too.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  I'm looking for it. Those are definitely implants.

• 31:25Tom Segura?

  He does have a thong on, doesn't he?

• 31:26Speaker 01

  Huh?

• 31:27Tom Segura?

  Does he have a thong on?

• 31:28Speaker 01

  Or he's wearing nothing at all. Yeah. He's got a G-string on under, he knows what he's doing.

• 31:35Tom Segura?

  Forget my peanut butter.

• 31:36Speaker 01

  Oh, there it is. And there was the shake.

• 31:40Tom Segura?

  And then there's Eddie shaking his head.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  I bet. I bet this guy doesn't get shadow banned on TikTok the way I do. And that's a full asshole. And I even say, I say Ain Wees and I'm blocked for like three months.

• 31:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  And that guy's full a-hole is in a fucking crowded grocery store.

• 31:56Tom Segura?

  It's insane.

• 31:57Speaker 01

  It's crazy.

• 31:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:58Speaker 01

  How's that allowed?

• 31:58Tom Segura?

  You're right. It should stop. He should be banned. I agree. Can't want him kicked out.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  He's not eating peanut butter if his ass looks like that, because that's a firm ass.

• 32:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, this is one of those people that can consistently self-loathe. Like, so what is it about these types? They can just stay fit all the time? Like, they don't fall into like five-day-long vendors?

• 32:18Speaker 01

  Because I think once you get to this body, once you're at that, like, jacked up, I think you're just like, it's like a new drug.

• 32:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  You're high on your fucking abs. Like, you're just like, like, roided out. You're all fucking.

• 32:29Tom Segura?

  And plus, it's reaffirmed all day, right? Because you step out of your house looking like that, and everyone's like, yo, like, all day.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 32:36Tom Segura?

  And so you go, if I dial it back, I'm gonna stop getting this

• 32:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:41Tom Segura?

  Positive affirmations of like, wow. Everyone's saying wow to you.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Asking how you get like that. What's your workout? Oh, yeah. He's getting a lot of attention.

• 32:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 32:49Tom Segura?

  But then it also has to consume a lot of your life.

• 32:53Speaker 01

  Going to the gym, if people go, I have an hour. That's it. I hit the hour cap, and I'm like, I hate this.

• 32:58Tom Segura?

  You have to go.

• 32:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course.

• 32:59Speaker 01

  One hour, that's enough. When people spend like their whole lives in the gym, it's like It's simply enough.

• 33:04Tom Segura?

  It is.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  We've hit the max here. You do your workout, you futz around, you get the hell out of there.

• 33:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 33:09Tom Segura?

  So, a couple of weeks ago, we were exposed to this story that happened in the news, okay?

• 33:15Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 33:16Tom Segura?

  Of a woman who was scammed. So I want to show it to you so you have some reference.

• 33:19Speaker 01

  God.

• 33:20Speaker 06

  A Bay Area woman is out tens of thousands of dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer who said he was celebrity Keanu Reeves.

• 33:27Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 33:28Speaker 06

  Diane Ringstaff said she was playing Words with Friends when somebody messaged her saying he was the Hollywood actor. They started chatting over the next two years.

• 33:35Speaker 01

  Those eyes.

• 33:35Speaker 06

  Diane said she saw

• 33:37Tom Segura?

  Two years.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  She has slapped in two years.

• 33:39Tom Segura?

  Two years.

• 33:41Speaker 07

  Good morning, my sunshine Diane. As you said last night, I am sending this recording to let you know that I cherish you and that I am loyal to you. You will always be my queen. Have a great day today Diane. Love you. Kisses from your loving Keanu.

• 33:56Speaker 06

  Keanu said he needed tens of thousands of dollars in Bitcoin and cryptocurrency for help with legal troubles.

• 34:02Speaker 01

  Sure. Knowing what I know now and all the technology that's out there and fake voices and everything else, you know? Ding ding ding. Ding ding ding. The witch is dead over here. I can't believe that woman showed her face after that.

• 34:18Tom Segura?

  It's unbelievable.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  More to fight if that was me.

• 34:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  More to fight. She's like, "And now that I know, I didn't even think about a voice this time around." Was that her or was that Keanu's voice? Because it wasn't even close.

• 34:30Tom Segura?

  What's crazy is that Keanu has started messaging us.

• 34:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 34:33Tom Segura?

  I think because he felt bad about what happened, or so the real guy has been like...

• 34:38Speaker 07

  "Hey Tom, so sorry to hear about your struggles with Invisalign. Your beautiful face, warm energy and precious teeth. I will be in my thoughts and prayers forever."

• 34:48Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 34:49Tom Segura?

  Isn't that crazy?

• 34:50Speaker 01

  The fact that this guy is getting by with an impression that bad.

• 34:54Tom Segura?

  This is just AI generated, right?

• 34:55Speaker 01

  It has to be, but now he's on us. You know what's weird?

• 34:59Speaker 07

  "I am drowning in legal troubles that I cannot elaborate on right now. Please send me money and I will send you my love."

• 35:07Tom Segura?

  It sounds kinda Keanu-ish.

• 35:08Speaker 01

  Not at all.

• 35:09Speaker 06

  What? I'm convinced.

• 35:11Speaker 01

  I'm getting to send him some money. People, I've been getting a lot of fake Keanu Reeves on TikTok DMing me.

• 35:16Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 35:17Speaker 01

  That I'm like, "Beautiful," it's like, "It's me, Keanu," and it's like, "One follower," I'm like, "It ain't you, Keanu."

• 35:21Tom Segura?

  Voice or text?

• 35:22Speaker 01

  No, no, just text, just text.

• 35:23Tom Segura?

  It's probably him. Send him money.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  They haven't asked for money yet. I find that so cr- I feel bad.

• 35:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course. But you also realize that like, I mean, the older generation has no idea about the Keanu. They're just like, "Oh, this has to be. Who, how could somebody impersonate?"

• 35:39Speaker 01

  How are you not FaceTiming one time? I would need, I would FaceTime before a date.

• 35:45Tom Segura?

  There was a video chat even on there.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  There was. A video chat? How is there a video chat?

• 35:50Speaker 07

  "Wow mommy, you are so funny and talented and creative and nice and beautiful and physically attractive to me."

• 35:59Speaker 01

  Thank you, Keanu.

• 36:01Speaker 07

  Wow.

• 36:01Speaker 01

  Now I want some Keanu messages.

• 36:03Speaker 07

  Show me how those big tits fart.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 36:06Tom Segura?

  No.

• 36:06Speaker 01

  Huh, this is really specific.

• 36:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dialing in. I mean, I can see how one can get taken away with this.

• 36:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  He's really... Every day he sends a message to her?

• 36:16Speaker 07

  Tom, your thick Peruvian cock is so vascular, it makes me salivate like a dog hungry for a bone.

• 36:23Tom Segura?

  Wow, that's Keanu Reeves.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 36:25Tom Segura?

  That's insane.

• 36:26Speaker 01

  Actual Keanu Reeves.

• 36:28Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  Huh.

• 36:29Tom Segura?

  That is so crazy.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  That is insane.

• 36:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I didn't know he was such a fan of yours.

• 36:32Tom Segura?

  I don't know, he's...

• 36:32Speaker 01

  Is Keanu Canadian?

• 36:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I think he's married.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  He took acting classes from one of my teachers and he kept bragging about that. He's like, "My biggest acting, Keanu Reeves." Do you know any about him? We're all like, "Get to the fuck class."

• 36:46Tom Segura?

  Where was Keanu born?

• 36:50Speaker 07

  Good morning, my sunshine. Diane, it's me, Keanu.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  Diane.

• 36:54Speaker 07

  I will love you like you've never been loved before. I will cherish you. I'll make you feel like a woman. A real woman.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  A real woman. I love that. A real woman.

• 37:03Tom Segura?

  Oh, he was born in Lebanon.

• 37:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 37:05Speaker 01

  I had no clue.

• 37:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  What a life.

• 37:06Speaker 01

  Did he live in Canada? Am I making this up?

• 37:09Tom Segura?

  He's 60 years old.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  He's 60 years old.

• 37:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's half...

• 37:13Speaker 01

  Buried in legal troubles. Look at him. Absolutely swamped.

• 37:17Tom Segura?

  The only way out of this? Fucking Bitcoin, man.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Diane. Diane. You know, ding ding.

• 37:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  God.

• 37:24Tom Segura?

  Ding ding ding ding.

• 37:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  She looks like cigarettes. Like, you can tell.

• 37:28Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  She smokes...

• 37:29Speaker 01

  Just smoking it. She was like, wiring Keanu money.

• 37:32Tom Segura?

  This old lady, 160 grand.

• 37:35Speaker 01

  Where did she get the money from? How the fuck does she have that money?

• 37:38Tom Segura?

  That's probably life savings, dude.

• 37:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  She could have fixed those blefs, you know?

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, those blefs. You can tuck that up. Are these blefs or these blefs?

• 37:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, these are blefs here.

• 37:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Blefs, blefs, yeah, upper, lower.

• 37:48Speaker 01

  Are you bluffing?

• 37:49Tom Segura?

  I got blefs right here.

• 37:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:50Tom Segura?

  And you got upper blefs, too.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't want... Oh, when it comes down?

• 37:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I gotta trim my eyelids. I'm gonna do it in June.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  You're trimming the lids?

• 37:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get them trimmed, yeah.

• 37:59Tom Segura?

  Upper blefs.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  Upper... Let's do the blefs.

• 38:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's do the blefs. Just trimming them, trimming.

• 38:03Speaker 01

  Just a light trim. Just, yeah, just a bang trim. Just a blef trim. Just a small, little...

• 38:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  Put a bowl on there just to...

• 38:09Tom Segura?

  I can do it. I told her I'd do it. I could do a good job.

• 38:12Speaker 01

  Why are you doing the eyes?

• 38:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, it's just they're drooping and my dad did it at my age too. It's like genetics too. And I don't like how it looks. Like, I don't like it.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  I would never look at you and say, "Fat lips."

• 38:24Tom Segura?

  Fucking blefs on this bitch.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 38:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I had a makeup artist tell me. She was like, "You should really get your blefs."

• 38:30Speaker 01

  How dare.

• 38:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was like, "You're right."

• 38:33Speaker 01

  It'd be like every makeup person, be like, "You should get no job." I'd be like, "Thank you, I've never thought about that before." Internet.

• 38:39Speaker 07

  I need to get fucked a lot, man.

• 38:42Tom Segura?

  Crazy.

• 38:43Speaker 01

  Keanu was horned up.

• 38:44Tom Segura?

  He's horned up.

• 38:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause this is the shit he was saying to her.

• 38:47Tom Segura?

  And he's like, "Can I get some cryptocurrency?" And you're like, "Oh, yeah." "Kendall Reeves."

• 38:51Speaker 01

  You're like, "I'm bricked up right now, I need a little crypto for my hard cock." Jesus Christ.

• 38:56Speaker 07

  Steph, it really hurts me that you don't believe I'm real. But still, I'm really excited to see those hustler poses.

• 39:03Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 39:05Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, Keanu.

• 39:06Tom Segura?

  He's calling him life.

• 39:07Speaker 01

  How much money do you want?

• 39:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 39:12Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 39:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Also, why do you think?

• 39:14Speaker 07

  I slept like a homo last night.

• 39:16Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  What does that mean? With a dick in his ass?

• 39:18Tom Segura?

  No, just like really well, like tired.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 39:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, cause they get more tired.

• 39:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why do you think he opted for cryptocurrency?

• 39:25Speaker 01

  Wait, why am I believing you?

• 39:26Tom Segura?

  It's true.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, they get tired. Homosexual might get more tired than straight men.

• 39:30Tom Segura?

  You slept like when it means you slept really deeply, yeah. Cause gays sleep deeper.

• 39:34Speaker 01

  Where's this fat coming from?

• 39:35Tom Segura?

  From because of fat, cause they have more anal and they get more tired.

• 39:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's more tiring to do anal than vaginal sex. Everybody knows this.

• 39:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  Really?

• 39:43Tom Segura?

  If you get pounded like for hours in your ass, you're gonna wanna break.

• 39:46Speaker 01

  Hours?

• 39:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're gonna need to sleep.

• 39:48Speaker 01

  That's too long.

• 39:49Tom Segura?

  I agree.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  We're capping also at thirty minutes here.

• 39:51Tom Segura?

  Thirty minutes.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's also too long.

• 39:53Tom Segura?

  That seems like a long time.

• 39:54Speaker 01

  I'm in and out like a fiddler's elbow, we don't need to be doing it that long.

• 39:57Tom Segura?

  Okay, here we go.

• 39:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, why did he choose cryptocurrency?

• 40:00Tom Segura?

  Anonymity?

• 40:01Speaker 07

  Hard to trace.

• 40:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, smart. Keanu's so smart.

• 40:05Tom Segura?

  There was that great, there's a great doc.

• 40:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  How does he know?

• 40:08Tom Segura?

  About one of the biggest, um, like cryptocurrency robberies of all time, was this like, this dopey couple? And they, they stole, I forget. How they stole billions worth.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  Billions.

• 40:24Tom Segura?

  But then you have, you like, you go, well, how, like, if, if you try to retrieve it, like, you know, that's when feds can come on you. So then you're trying to like funnel it to like a.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  Offshore.

• 40:36Tom Segura?

  Offshore kind of, uh, like flea market of crypto stuff and try to get it out that way. These people got away with it for years, but then, but it was, it was billions. They had billions. Yeah. It's a Netflix doc. It's really good.

• 40:50Speaker 01

  Greedy. Just take a couple hundred bucks.

• 40:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why don't we try, we should prank call like Robert Paul Champagne with AI.

• 40:57Tom Segura?

  He would a hundred percent believe that.

• 40:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  He would believe it and he would send him money.

• 41:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't care if he's gonna call me. I'm very busy right now, but Kid is very much in love with me, guys. Cause he does think that celebrities are into him.

• 41:09Tom Segura?

  I know, I know.

• 41:10Speaker 01

  Who's this guy? I don't know anybody.

• 41:11Tom Segura?

  Oh, I'll show you.

• 41:13Speaker 01

  He's up here?

• 41:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  There he is. That's Robert Paul. We could easily do an AI Keanu call.

• 41:21Speaker 01

  Does he answer all the time?

• 41:23Tom Segura?

  This guy.

• 41:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he's like five different.

• 41:24Speaker 08

  Black guys who love to fuck the fuck good. If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at twenty three ninety five. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. I need, I need to be fucked a lot.

• 41:36Speaker 01

  It looks like three of my allies. Jesus Christ. God damn it. It's upsetting as hell.

• 41:42Speaker 08

  Like, you know, you had to do, man, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna come now. I'm gonna come now. I'm coming. Oh, oh, oh, wow, oh.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  Oh, God. What is this on? What is this on?

• 41:56Tom Segura?

  It's Hulu.

• 41:57Speaker 01

  I don't understand.

• 42:02Speaker 01

  Why is he still going? Oh my God. That's not real. This is as long as your intro. That's not real.

• 42:09Tom Segura?

  Do you know where this really was on? It was on YouTube.

• 42:13Speaker 01

  No.

• 42:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he got kicked off.

• 42:15Speaker 01

  No fucking kidding. Good Christ.

• 42:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is why we don't let our kids on YouTube.

• 42:20Speaker 01

  No, your kids should be on any form of the internet. Lock them away. Fuck me.

• 42:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was such a long come.

• 42:27Speaker 01

  If Amanda did it on top of me, I'd call the police.

• 42:29Speaker 08

  I was a cummed up the total pig.

• 42:31Tom Segura?

  Officer Cumdunk.

• 42:32Speaker 01

  Oh, he's sniffing. What's he doing?

• 42:35Speaker 08

  Officer Cumdunk likes it wild, dirty, and filthy. That's right, Officer Cumdunk. We'll take it like a man. I will bend down and you could bang me as you can.

• 42:46Speaker 01

  Well, get it straight, buddy. Don't be slurring when you're sending that message out there.

• 42:50Tom Segura?

  Does this also make you think that, like, after what we've shown you, that just men are just generally more deviant pigs, right? Like, we're...

• 42:57Speaker 01

  I mean, I think, I didn't come here thinking that...

• 42:59Tom Segura?

  It wasn't true.

• 43:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, I do believe this. Yeah, they're gross.

• 43:03Tom Segura?

  We reaffirmed it, though.

• 43:04Speaker 01

  I, well, you reaffirmed me to this, a dark part of the internet that I like to avoid.

• 43:08Tom Segura?

  Damn it.

• 43:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 43:09Speaker 01

  I like to just, I, I'm wholesome. I mean, I only watch Law & Order: S.F.U.U. that's as far as I go, and then I keep it.

• 43:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  But Steph, you're a very liberated gal.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  I am.

• 43:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did, did you spend time with boys growing up? Like, where, how did you get to be so cool?

• 43:24Speaker 01

  Uh, so cool?

• 43:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know what I mean? Like, you're not, what I mean by that is a lot of times, women get trapped in, like, the societal stuff of, like, you can't laugh at farts, you can't be gross, you can't be whatever. How did you get out of the, the matrix?

• 43:37Speaker 01

  I think it's my, my family. My grandma was always gross. She, her, well, she kept saying, she's like, "Go to the bathroom when you can, sit down when you can, let the air blow free wherever you be." She always was farting. She'd fart at church, I'd go, "Whatever, I had to get it out." Like, she didn't give a shit.

• 43:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  And then my mom was like that, and my aunt, and then, like, my Bulgarian family was gross.

• 43:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 01

  So I was never, no, there was no classy women in my life. I wasn't, like, looking up to some, like, hoity-toity, like, we were all, I remember my first, like, the first things my parents ever did was fart in front of me. Like, non-stop. Like, me and my dad bonded one summer, and my sister, over Blue Angels at the cottage. Do you know what I do Blue Angel?

• 44:10Tom Segura?

  Uh-uh.

• 44:11Speaker 01

  When you, like, bend, how have you not had this on here yet? You bend over and you light a match and you fart, it's like a fireball.

• 44:17Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. So we, turns out, uh, we're all very good at doing those.

• 44:23Speaker 01

  Thank you, Daddy, for passing that, that down. So, yeah, me and my sister, all the, the three of us, put our ass...

• 44:28Tom Segura?

  How about you and your boo-boo? Do you guys fart in front of each other?

• 44:31Speaker 01

  My boo, yeah. And he hates it.

• 44:32Tom Segura?

  He hates it?

• 44:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh-oh.

• 44:34Speaker 01

  He gets so mad, and I do, I, but it makes me...

• 44:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you know, but you know why, Steph? Because he's a real whitey.

• 44:39Speaker 01

  I know.

• 44:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's an Aryan god.

• 44:41Speaker 01

  But he farts. But he's born again Christian.

• 44:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. There you go. He's shamed about it. He's...

• 44:47Speaker 01

  No, he's not ashamed. He farts, he just thinks it's gross when I do it. I'm like, "Yeah, it's disgusting." And they always reek. It's not good. I mean, healthy. When you eat healthy, it's like kale salads coming out of my ass.

• 44:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 44:58Tom Segura?

  This guy. Okay, we discovered him years ago.

• 45:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, okay.

• 45:02Speaker 09

  I just wanna say, deadass.

• 45:03Speaker 01

  Deadass.

• 45:04Speaker 09

  The reason why I'm wearing this fucking yellow fucking weird thing is my ass is gonna be doing community service for the state of Utah. Woo, I got a DUI, baby.

• 45:19Speaker 01

  Okay, this I like.

• 45:20Tom Segura?

  This guy's fun.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  This guy I like.

• 45:21Tom Segura?

  This guy's fun. So, um, and we've been, he's been...

• 45:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe, he's been in our lives for like a decade.

• 45:28Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  Really?

• 45:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  We started with these videos and then our relationship with him has grown over the last decade. And now we're in his life.

• 45:35Tom Segura?

  And so now, we, we had him come down, we had him do one of those, um, blind date, dating things that we hosted.

• 45:43Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 45:43Tom Segura?

  With like fifty eligible girls, and he got to pick, you know, like, uh, like cross some out and go on a date with one. And then he went back to where, he lives in upstate New York. Um, he had some legal trouble with his landlord, uh, he got in some fights, he ended up in jail.

• 46:01Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 46:01Tom Segura?

  He expressed to us that he wants to get into adult entertainment. And so we set up a shoot for him, uh, him and Alexis Fox, who's like a really...

• 46:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so she was like, yeah, I'll do a scene with you. And he's like over the moon, but he's been in and out of jail a lot lately.

• 46:14Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 46:15Tom Segura?

  So anyways, he got out and now he's talking about how it's kinda better to be in, like it's, uh... Cause he got kicked out of his place. Anyway, so there's a lot of drama going on with him right now.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 46:26Tom Segura?

  Um, and we've been trying to get a hold of him. And it's been tough the last couple of days. So I think we can get a hold of him. Let's see, is he gonna answer?

• 46:35Speaker 01

  He texted.

• 46:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  They never answer their phones on the first try.

• 46:38Tom Segura?

  Cool guys never do.

• 46:40Speaker 01

  Well, they probably think it's the police.

• 46:41Tom Segura?

  There you go. Every single time.

• 46:43Speaker 01

  They think it's the cops.

• 46:44Tom Segura?

  Every fucking time. They never answer.

• 46:47Speaker 01

  Oh my god, I thought that was his answer machine. I was like, please say it's a guitar riff. I would die. This guy should be in a fucking band if that's what he's playing the end of his.

• 46:56Tom Segura?

  Just say, answer your fucking phone, man.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Keith, I can't stand like, answer your phone, dipshit. I met Alexis, I hosted the AVN Awards.

• 47:03Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah, she's fantastic.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  Oh yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's lovely. They were all great.

• 47:07Tom Segura?

  She's done bits with us.

• 47:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, she's doing a bit with me in two weeks, actually. She's great. Yeah, she's so funny and fun and great tits. Speaking of tits. Big milkers. Big set of jugies out there, huh? Big natural milkers. Big natural yabbos. Yeah, she's great. Don't bring yabbos back.

• 47:20Tom Segura?

  Yabbos?

• 47:21Speaker 01

  Yabbos is funny. You just did, homie. You just fucking did, bro. My parents called them lullabinis, and that wasn't real. I gotta take a piss, sorry guys.

• 47:28Tom Segura?

  You gotta take a piss?

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:29Tom Segura?

  Okay, go ahead.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  Wow, middle of the podcast. Disrespectful.

• 47:34Tom Segura?

  She's going to wax her ass, is what she's doing.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  She's gonna pull her hemorrhoid back in, is what she's doing.

• 47:38Tom Segura?

  Push it back in.

• 47:40Speaker 01

  Poppy, poppy.

• 47:42Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  I can't believe you meet these people in person.

• 47:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know.

• 47:46Speaker 01

  Do they love it? Hmm.

• 47:50Tom Segura?

  Some of them are like, you know.

• 47:52Speaker 01

  Like, what the hell?

• 47:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they're like, some of them are just like, oh, cool, like, it's fun, and some of them are more apprehensive. You get every range of things, yeah, but.

• 48:00Speaker 01

  Cause you think you're making fun of them or something?

• 48:02Tom Segura?

  No, they don't have that much self-awareness.

• 48:06Tom Segura?

  You know Fancy Chef, have you seen him online?

• 48:08Speaker 01

  I haven't seen any of these people. All I see is amputees and, uh, dog videos. I got in a weird burn victim thing recently. I don't know what's going on with my algorithm.

• 48:17Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 48:17Speaker 01

  It's bad. Yeah, a lot of burnt people and a lot of golden retrievers. It's a very strange mix.

• 48:22Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 48:23Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 48:23Tom Segura?

  My algorithm is insane.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  Uh, no fucking kidding.

• 48:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 48:29Speaker 01

  Watching this shit, I just had the moment, have you ever had your like, your two algorithms like, crossover perfectly?

• 48:34Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 48:35Speaker 01

  There's a video of a dalmatian carrying a pocket pussy. Excuse me, it's my TikTok alarm. Kill me. Um, I have to post a TikTok. I'm actually embarrassing.

• 48:45Tom Segura?

  Oh, really?

• 48:45Speaker 01

  It's pathetic. No, it's, ignore me.

• 48:46Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 48:47Speaker 01

  I'm so insane. My social media, I'm like, my, I, find this video. It's, it's literally, it's a Dalmatian carrying a pocket pussy. And the, the dog sitter's like, "Gladys, put that fucking down." And I'm like, finally, my algorithm makes sense.

• 49:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:01Speaker 01

  A dog and a pocket pussy? That's perfect.

• 49:03Tom Segura?

  I get a lot of workplace accidents.

• 49:05Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 49:05Tom Segura?

  Um, you know, like, like, a car falling on somebody from a lift.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  And they die?

• 49:13Tom Segura?

  Sometimes. Fancy chef is this guy.

• 49:15Speaker 10

  Beautiful and nice. Look, look at that chicken. Look how I got that seasoned. Look, look, look, I put my thing in there. Get it all in there.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  Looks good, right?

• 49:22Speaker 10

  So you bite that, you get a bite. Look, la, la, la, la, la. Yeah. Yeah, chef. Yeah, fancy. Be fancy, yeah.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  This is why I don't like going to potlucks.

• 49:33Speaker 10

  You want a little bit?

• 49:34Speaker 01

  I don't trust anyone.

• 49:36Tom Segura?

  So we flew him down to cook for us. Yeah.

• 49:38Speaker 01

  And you ate it?

• 49:39Tom Segura?

  I took a bite.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  You'd sent him out poisoning. He fingered your chicken and then you ate it.

• 49:45Tom Segura?

  Uh, it wasn't.

• 49:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, but you didn't like that he seasoned every morsel? I mean, he's very thorough.

• 49:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, what do you not like about it?

• 49:52Speaker 01

  I don't like the idea of that guy's dirt corners and his fingernails getting wedged into that chicken.

• 49:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's not dirty.

• 49:58Tom Segura?

  Impacably clean.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  You, you looked at each finger. You, you cleaned it out with your own teeth. You looked at every. Oh, that grosses you out? Here it is. Look at this. This is, this is, this is a perfect video.

• 50:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, let's, let's see it.

• 50:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is this?

• 50:14Speaker 01

  A dog found a pocket pussy.

• 50:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ew.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  It's so funny.

• 50:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've never seen a pocket pussy. Did you know that? I don't know what you're talking about.

• 50:21Speaker 01

  Good. Why would you?

• 50:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't believe there's one depraved thing I don't know. Can you look it up for me?

• 50:26Tom Segura?

  A pocket pussy?

• 50:26Speaker 01

  They are.

• 50:27Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah, you know what that is? Like a fleshlight?

• 50:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's a fleshlight.

• 50:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:30Tom Segura?

  Same thing.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it's out of the sheath. It's like loose when they take it out.

• 50:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I almost threw up. I felt that.

• 50:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's gross.

• 50:37Tom Segura?

  I have these dolls at the house that are just like torsos, you know?

• 50:41Speaker 01

  Oh, and you fuck them?

• 50:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  When Christina's away?

• 50:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just the torso?

• 50:45Speaker 01

  I've seen those.

• 50:46Tom Segura?

  Those are hot.

• 50:46Speaker 01

  No, they're weird. They're weird.

• 50:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let me see those.

• 50:48Speaker 01

  No, they're bizarre.

• 50:49Tom Segura?

  He answered. Okay.

• 50:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, so what's going on?

• 50:51Tom Segura?

  So what's up?

• 50:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tony?

• 50:53Tom Segura?

  Tony?

• 50:54Speaker 11

  Yes, yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, man, what's going on players?

• 50:57Tom Segura?

  Hey, what's up, man? What are you up to?

• 50:59Speaker 11

  Dude, yo, dude, Tom, dude, holy shit, dude, no, no, hear me out, brother.

• 51:03Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 51:04Speaker 11

  Bigger city, way more opportunity, dude, some of these videos I'm doing are just out of sight.

• 51:10Tom Segura?

  Wait, what city are you in? Where are you?

• 51:12Speaker 11

  Yes, sir, yo, dude, oh, man, it's out of sight, this is like a candy store.

• 51:18Tom Segura?

  Where are you?

• 51:19Speaker 11

  Um, yeah, yeah, so I am downtown Syracuse, New York.

• 51:22Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 51:23Speaker 11

  Yo, Tom, dude, I'm loving this down here, boys, you know, guys like, yo, this is literally like Mexico, like, for real, there ain't no laws.

• 51:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's no laws in Syracuse, everybody knows that, what's, what's, um?

• 51:34Speaker 11

  Dude, yo, Tom, this is wild, brother.

• 51:36Tom Segura?

  What kind of videos have you been doing?

• 51:38Speaker 11

  Oh, dude, we're talking, I mean, yo, it's like I turn hate into money, you know what I'm saying? Yo, Tom, so check it out.

• 51:45Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 51:45Speaker 11

  Dude, I, I've been going to this really, really fancy, uh, you know, bar slash, uh, restaurant, dude, uh, the past couple of days. Cause dude, I'm, I'm down here, you know, talking to these rich chicks, you know? I'm loving these rich ladies, brother, for real.

• 51:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:59Speaker 11

  You know, that, cause yo, Tom, like, I need, I need some bread, I need some coins, so dude, I've, I've been hitting on these rich chicks, dude, they've been loving me, man, I got my do-rag back. I got my hater shades, dude, I'm loving it down here.

• 52:11Tom Segura?

  Well, wait a minute, let me back up, cause I know, I know a little while ago, you know, I know you were locked up and you got out and everybody celebrated when you got out. It was a super exciting thing, they're like, oh, Tony's free, this is awesome, but then I saw that you had to move into like a hotel. Um, are you, do you have housing right now?

• 52:31Speaker 11

  Um, so in two days, I, I will be homeless again, I, um, I don't, I've, I've been relying on my fans, you know, I love my fans, all the donations, uh, just to pay for these hotels. They, they are very, very expensive, Tom.

• 52:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 52:46Speaker 11

  Dude, you, you guys are even helping, which I love, you know, that's why I love you guys, but yo, there, I mean, it's like four hundred a week, man, and it's, and I'm at the red roof now, dude, it's like seventy, eighty bucks a night.

• 52:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a, it's a lot, and then are you still, you are doing video, are you doing OnlyFans still?

• 53:03Speaker 11

  Yes, sir. Yep, yep. So, um, it's kinda sad. My, my fanbase is only at twenty-one right now, but I'm still, I'm still doing good on the OnlyFans, you know, that, that's just, you know, steady income, Tom.

• 53:16Tom Segura?

  Is it, is it mostly like solo content or customs or what?

• 53:19Speaker 11

  Oh, yeah, one hundred percent. All solos, man. All solos, dude. I'm not, I'm not out here, you know, like banging chicks, you know, I'm out here trying to, trying to hustle, you know?

• 53:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:26Speaker 11

  Trying to get my OnlyFans up and running, my comedy, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm loving all this, man. I'm, I'm taking all this in.

• 53:33Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah, you're a worker. Are you doing, um?

• 53:35Speaker 11

  Oh, one hundred percent.

• 53:36Tom Segura?

  Are you doing, are you doing?

• 53:37Speaker 11

  Performer and a worker. Yes, sir.

• 53:38Tom Segura?

  Are you doing stand-up?

• 53:40Speaker 11

  Uh, no. So, uh, Ed Bass Master in a couple of months. Um, I've never done a stand-up show before, Tom, so. Ed Bass Master is gonna, um, get me a ticket down to, uh, uh, P- uh, PA, or, uh, either PA or, or Rochester, New York, and he's gonna have me do a, do a skit for, uh, you know, five, ten-minute skit.

• 53:59Tom Segura?

  No shit.

• 54:00Speaker 11

  So, I'm, I'm just getting some content right now, man.

• 54:03Tom Segura?

  That's great.

• 54:03Speaker 11

  How you been though, Tom?

• 54:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alexis.

• 54:05Speaker 11

  Yo, Tom, thanks for them tickets, bro, to your show. Holy fuck.

• 54:07Tom Segura?

  My pleasure. My pleasure, man. I'm, I'm glad, I'm glad you got to come out.

• 54:11Speaker 11

  Oh, Tom, dude, I was downstairs on the, you know, you know those three bars, the clubs bars?

• 54:15Tom Segura?

  Uh-huh.

• 54:16Speaker 11

  Dude, yo, Tom, dude, like, I showed up there and, like, the lady was like, oh, you're Tony John's, like, like the, the, the club promoter, dude. She was like, oh, yo, you're Tony John's. I said, yeah, yeah. And, uh, she was like, uh, you're, uh, you know, you're, um, you're on the, you know, YMH show. I said, yeah. And dude, she, she gave me everything, dude. Like, I could, I could go to any club, like, all, all-inclusive, dog, like.

• 54:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wonderful.

• 54:41Speaker 11

  She said, whatever you need. Yo, yeah, hell, yeah. Then she was hot, dude. She gave me-

• 54:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tony, Tony, can I ask you something, though? What's up with your sketch with Alexis Fox? Any progress?

• 54:50Speaker 11

  Uh, yeah, I'm, I'm ready whenever she's ready, for real. I need, to be honest with you, I need money. I'm, whenever she's ready, I'm ready. There's no rush. But whenever she's ready, tell her to hit me up, because I'm game. Let's go.

• 55:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you leave New York?

• 55:04Speaker 11

  Yeah.

• 55:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  We were, okay, okay.

• 55:05Speaker 11

  So, I just have to do anger management and sex, uh, therapy. But other than that, I'm golden. I can, I can travel down to Vegas. Um, yeah, oh, yeah.

• 55:14Tom Segura?

  Did the, the courts made you take a- anger management?

• 55:17Speaker 11

  Yep, yep. So, that was my, uh, my way out of the jailhouse, you know, the Cu- the Cougar County.

• 55:24Tom Segura?

  Cougar County, man. Sea Block, yeah.

• 55:27Speaker 11

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:28Speaker 11

  Yeah, Tom, yo dude, was the, uh, let me, uh, it was the, um, anger management counseling.

• 55:33Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 55:34Speaker 11

  And, uh, sex therapy counseling. I do not have to take any medication because I don't need it. Oh, that's nice. My therapist, uh, did diagnose me. Um, yep. What did they diagnose you? Yeah, so what was that? What is your diagnosis? Yeah, so it's, uh, like I've been saying the whole time, it's anxiety. Yeah. It's, uh, actually severe anxiety. I could be on benefits for my anxiety. Um, it's, uh, PTSD from my past of always being locked up and in, uh, in facilities. And then it's also anger, so it's bipolar. I'm always up and down. And then it's, uh, ADHD, so I have a hard time sitting still. I cannot sit still.

• 56:15Tom Segura?

  Hmm, I wonder if you could get in on this Hustler shoot I know coming up. Um, what's the, uh...

• 56:20Speaker 11

  Oh, fuck dude, oh, yo, dog, you are speaking my language.

• 56:22Tom Segura?

  Let me try. I'll see what I can do. I'm gonna make some calls.

• 56:24Speaker 11

  Oh, yes, sir. Goddamn, woo, there you go.

• 56:27Tom Segura?

  So, will, um, so what's, what's next for you because...

• 56:32Speaker 11

  Hustler, baby, come on.

• 56:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, are you, are you gonna...

• 56:36Speaker 11

  Come on, I'm, I'm ready. Put me in, coach, please, sir. Wait, you're in New York right now, right? Like Syracuse. Yeah, I'm in Syracuse, walking around, uh, you know, trying to talk to these, uh, rich, uh, rich ladies here, trying to, trying to get me some, some cash going, you know?

• 56:49Tom Segura?

  Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah.

• 56:51Speaker 11

  Get that money.

• 56:52Tom Segura?

  Do you put on a show for... What do you do? Do you stroke it for them? What do you, how do you get them to donate?

• 56:56Speaker 11

  No, no, no, to be honest, yo, to be honest with you, Tom, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm a real bossy dude, you know, I like having fun.

• 57:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:01Speaker 11

  Dude, I'll, I'll just go straight up to the girl and I'll say, hey, you know, can I, uh, you know, buy you a drink and I'll go from there. But, uh, a lot of the times, dude, I'll just kind of sit back in my chair and I'll just kind of be looking at me. I'll be looking at them. You know, I'll just kind of sit back and to be honest with you, dude, act kind of creepy, bro. Just kind of sit back and, you know, just kind of put on a little show for them, you know, wink at them, blow them some kisses.

• 57:23Tom Segura?

  Chicks like that, yeah.

• 57:24Speaker 11

  Oh, yeah, yes, sir. I love that. Hey, yes, sir. I, I love, I love ladies, man, you know, I'm a true sex addict. Tony, what is sex therapy? Um, so that, that's something my counselor did recommend. Um, because, uh, yeah, she was like, yo, dude, like, you got an issue with, uh, with sex here, man.

• 57:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:43Speaker 11

  What? Like, I, a lot of things.

• 57:45Tom Segura?

  They're all sexed up, yep.

• 57:47Speaker 11

  Do you believe that? Do you think you have a thing with sex? Huh?

• 57:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, do you think that way too?

• 57:53Speaker 11

  Oh, fuck yeah, 100%. I've known that since for a long time. Yeah, like I, I love, I just, I love pleasuring myself. Like, I like the feeling, you know?

• 58:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 58:01Speaker 11

  Christina, like, it may sound sexy to a lot of women, but like, I like pleasuring a woman, like, making her like, you know, like feel good, like come, and you know what I'm saying?

• 58:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:11Speaker 11

  It turns me down, so yeah, it turns me on.

• 58:13Tom Segura?

  So nice.

• 58:14Speaker 11

  Yo, I'm being thrilled.

• 58:14Tom Segura?

  Turns me on too.

• 58:16Speaker 11

  When a girl's turned on, you know?

• 58:17Tom Segura?

  Oh god, I love turning women on.

• 58:19Speaker 11

  I love it, man, seriously. Eating, you know, like, I love it all, man. Like, I'm, I'm seriously, like, I love women. It's crazy. I'm a ladies man.

• 58:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're ladies man. I know, we're, we're built that way. We like to lick box and put fingers in them and make them happy.

• 58:32Speaker 11

  Oh dude, I'm crazy about pleasuring women. Yeah, I love it.

• 58:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you like, you like?

• 58:36Speaker 11

  How you been though, Christina?

• 58:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I'm good. Thanks for asking, Tony. I, I appreciate that. You know, we always keep up with you through Cougar. We're, we're updated on you and I'm glad that you got out of jail, even though I heard you had a pretty decent time there.

• 58:49Speaker 11

  Yeah.

• 58:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tell me about jail.

• 58:51Speaker 11

  A lot of, a lot of the guards, I mean, the, the, the, the guard, the, the lady guards were amazing, but the male guards were kinda iffy.

• 58:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 58:58Speaker 11

  But at the end of the day, I mean, dude, yo, the lady guards, they're fucking, they're smoking. I mean, they could.

• 59:03Tom Segura?

  Hot.

• 59:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you, did you?

• 59:05Speaker 11

  Yeah.

• 59:05Tom Segura?

  I love, I love a lady in uniform. Yeah.

• 59:08Speaker 11

  Oh, yes, sir, authority, pardon.

• 59:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tony, did you hook up?

• 59:10Speaker 11

  Put me in bracelets, you know, put me in the bracelet, sweetie.

• 59:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you hook up with a lady guard?

• 59:16Speaker 11

  Oh, I fucking wish. No, I fucking wish. That'd be sexy as fuck.

• 59:20Tom Segura?

  Hell yeah. Shout out to Cougar County Department of Corrections.

• 59:23Speaker 11

  I was actually like trying, yo, Tom, dude, Christina, I was like trying to hook up with one for real. Sorry, I'm, I'm kind of excited. I'm talking to you guys.

• 59:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  We're excited.

• 59:30Tom Segura?

  No, we're excited too.

• 59:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, what, how did you try to hook up with her? Like, what, how did you tell her you like her?

• 59:34Speaker 11

  To be honest, I, uh, it's kinda fucking crazy what I did. Um, she ended up doing her rounds and she was older, you know, I like my Cougars and my Mills.

• 59:43Tom Segura?

  Hell yeah.

• 59:44Speaker 11

  She was a blonde, yeah, she was a blonde cougar. And uh, I just, you know, I, I noticed she was doing her rounds and this is actually really illegal what I'm gonna say. I ended up just uh, putting down my uh, my gel pants and I just started stroking it and she like stopped, looked in my window and she, oh I'm being real, she like licked her lips, I'm like, oh fuck yeah.

• 1:00:02Tom Segura?

  That's fucking hot.

• 1:00:03Speaker 11

  I was just, boy it was hot as fuck.

• 1:00:05Tom Segura?

  That's hot.

• 1:00:06Speaker 11

  It was like fucking, oh fuck yeah, just started like licking her lips. Cause dog, what I did is fucking like crazy as fuck, but dude like, I was just so fucking, yeah dude, I was so fucking horny and just, I just needed to bust a load.

• 1:00:18Tom Segura?

  I've found that a lot of chicks like to watch, watch us stroke it. I've, I've noticed that just like in my experience.

• 1:00:24Speaker 11

  Yeah, they love it.

• 1:00:25Tom Segura?

  A lot of times I'll be somewhere and I'll just start, you know, kinda tugging and I noticed that every woman that looks at me gets kinda like worked up.

• 1:00:32Speaker 11

  Um, hell yeah. By the way, uh, dude, uh, Tony, I don't know if you, I don't know if you have Netflix,

• 1:00:39Tom Segura?

  but June 24th, my friend Steph Tolev has a new special coming out called Filth Queen. It's so funny and she's dirty and hilarious. I think you gotta check it out when it comes out, okay?

• 1:00:50Speaker 11

  Yeah, fuck yeah, no, I'd love to, brother. That sounds fucking amazing.

• 1:00:52Tom Segura?

  Steph Tolev, okay, I want you to look her up.

• 1:00:55Speaker 11

  Yes, sir.

• 1:00:56Tom Segura?

  Okay. Nice.

• 1:00:58Speaker 11

  Alright, well take care of yourself, Tony.

• 1:00:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, don't go to jail. Stay out of jail.

• 1:01:01Speaker 11

  No, no, I'm trying my hardest not to go to jail. Okay, and get to Las Vegas, we gotta get you with Alexis.

• 1:01:06Tom Segura?

  We gotta get you with Alexis.

• 1:01:07Speaker 11

  Yes, yes please, I'm ready whenever you guys are, for real, thanks, thanks for everything, Tom.

• 1:01:12Tom Segura?

  Absolutely, bro, we'll talk to you soon.

• 1:01:13Speaker 11

  Stay safe, buddy. Nah, man, I love you guys.

• 1:01:15Tom Segura?

  We love you too.

• 1:01:16Speaker 11

  Take care.

• 1:01:17Tom Segura?

  Bye bye.

• 1:01:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, so he can leave the state of New York? This is huge.

• 1:01:20Speaker 01

  Um, Jefferson's mom is a cougar and she's a babe and she lives in Syracuse and I'm like, I, that whole conversation, I was like, I gotta get her on the phone, I'm like, I'm about to call her the second we're done this and make sure she never talks to this man. I'm terrified right now.

• 1:01:32Tom Segura?

  He's so sweet.

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  No, no, she, he,

• 1:01:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he's sweetheart, he really is sweet.

• 1:01:35Speaker 01

  That man is not going near her. She's single and she is very attractive and I swear to God, I am, I'm so upset right now.

• 1:01:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have to tell you.

• 1:01:44Speaker 01

  I'm literally upset.

• 1:01:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have to tell you.

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  Look at her, he's gonna fucking talk to her, I know he is.

• 1:01:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a sweetheart.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  Damn it.

• 1:01:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's harmless.

• 1:01:50Tom Segura?

  He's such a sweet guy.

• 1:01:51Speaker 01

  He's harmless, he's been in and out of jail.

• 1:01:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's so sweet.

• 1:01:55Speaker 01

  Several times. For sex addict stuff, what are these, what has he done? He's harmless.

• 1:02:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Compared to the other guys we've showcased on the show. He's sweet, you know?

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  The pig man.

• 1:02:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what? You just need to open your heart.

• 1:02:07Speaker 01

  That's my problem.

• 1:02:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  In your heart.

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  I'm closed in.

• 1:02:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're too closed in.

• 1:02:10Speaker 01

  I'm closed up.

• 1:02:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 1:02:13Speaker 09

  Oh yeah, one more thing for all you young bucks going out to the club tonight. One last thing, what you gotta look out for, and this is what, you know, my, uh, one of my good buddies, you know, was telling me about, and I tried it numerous times and it really works. Look out for body language.

• 1:02:29Speaker 01

  Good tip.

• 1:02:30Tom Segura?

  Good tip.

• 1:02:31Speaker 01

  Absolutely key.

• 1:02:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Anxiety, ADHD, and bipolar. That tracks.

• 1:02:37Speaker 01

  That's a lot of stuff.

• 1:02:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  And sex addiction. And sex addiction.

• 1:02:41Speaker 01

  And stroking addiction. He likes to really stroke that.

• 1:02:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's going on with Tommy?

• 1:02:44Tom Segura?

  Oh my god, that female guard was like, hmm.

• 1:02:46Speaker 01

  That did not happen. I swear to god.

• 1:02:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I ask you guys something for else? Do you think, do people in the real world lick their lips when they're in desire? Like, or is that just a porn thing?

• 1:03:01Speaker 01

  I think it's an old man thing. It's an old creepy Armenian man who's like, eh, think of your dog shit. Yeah, it's an old man thing. I think, I think our generation stopped doing it.

• 1:03:10Tom Segura?

  But women do like it though.

• 1:03:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, women love that. Nothing like walking home alone.

• 1:03:15Tom Segura?

  I've gone up to women and just gone, and they're always like.

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  Ooh, I'm wet. Ooh, I'm soaked.

• 1:03:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do it again, show me.

• 1:03:24Speaker 01

  Ew, the sound, the sound of it too is very vile. It's like dry but also wet, very strange sound.

• 1:03:32Tom Segura?

  I stopped doing it because I don't want them to get too worked up.

• 1:03:35Speaker 01

  That's the problem.

• 1:03:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, well, and just stroking your hog in public, girls.

• 1:03:39Speaker 01

  You're stroking and doing that at the same time. That's the combo, yeah, that's the combo you gotta do that, really.

• 1:03:44Tom Segura?

  Women will just start just taking off.

• 1:03:46Speaker 01

  Also hilarious, you think women take off their shirts like a man from the back? That's who I get ready to fuck my boyfriend again. Over here, take off my jersey, suck my pussy.

• 1:03:55Tom Segura?

  How does a girl take it off? Oh, from the bottom? Yeah.

• 1:03:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Crisscross.

• 1:03:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'm gonna do that to my boyfriend today and see if he says anything. So manly, hold on a second.

• 1:04:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why do men do it like this instead of crisscross?

• 1:04:07Speaker 01

  I don't know, crisscross makes more sense. Cause men are like, get this off me, living it like. I gotta pull it and get it off.

• 1:04:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:13Speaker 01

  Ripping, just ripping the fucking neck open.

• 1:04:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, what's interesting is that what I think excites women sexually is the exact opposite of what men think. It does. Like, I like to see men doing, like, I was watching Tom eat a curry at lunch. And that was just sweet. Like, you're just being a normal person, just eating something and not being anything. And I was like, oh, he's so adorable. Like, he's so attractive. And it's never probably when you're trying to be attractive that you find men attractive. Cause when they try to be sexy, it's the unsexiest thing. Like, I hate male dancers. I hate, like, male posers, like, hot posings. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not communicating very well today.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  No, no, yeah.

• 1:04:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  But like, when they try to be sexy, like 90s R&B bands that you like, like Jodeci and stuff? Like, I hate that stuff.

• 1:05:01Speaker 01

  When they're like posing, looking, yeah. When like Jefferson plays piano, that turns me on. When he's like playing and like performing.

• 1:05:06Tom Segura?

  What about men doing manly shit?

• 1:05:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like chopping wood and stuff? Yeah, cause that's competency. That's like, oh, you know how to do something.

• 1:05:14Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:05:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, when, when people are doing something they're good at, that's always attractive.

• 1:05:18Speaker 01

  Yes, that's, that's attractive.

• 1:05:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, like you're eating, you're eating.

• 1:05:21Tom Segura?

  Eating curry.

• 1:05:22Speaker 01

  You're really, hey, that's your best skill.

• 1:05:24Tom Segura?

  That is kinda up there. I can't do that much, so eating curry for me is up there, yeah. I'm not that capable.

• 1:05:30Speaker 01

  You can't saw, you can't cut, but you can eat curry real good.

• 1:05:35Tom Segura?

  Do you wanna show her your stuff?

• 1:05:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I'm so excited. Are you ready for her TikToks?

• 1:05:38Tom Segura?

  For the marginalized community?

• 1:05:40Speaker 01

  Okay, yes, I am.

• 1:05:41Tom Segura?

  I feel like we've shown you a real wide variety of stuff today.

• 1:05:44Speaker 01

  I feel sick. I feel like I have a cold now from watching that one video. I feel actually sick.

• 1:05:48Tom Segura?

  That's the YMH experience. That's exactly what you're supposed to feel.

• 1:05:52Speaker 01

  I haven't gagged like that publicly in a very long time. Like, it was real.

• 1:05:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  You did. Yeah. Welcome back, welcome back.

• 1:05:58Speaker 12

  Being a woman is a really violent experience. We are walking secrets. Shh. Don't, like, we wanna see you, we don't wanna hear you. Don't tell us how you feel makes us uncomfortable. We're like harboring a lot of violence all of the time. Even in the imagery that we consume, it's like, even if you haven't bounced off of somebody who has violated you in a specific way, we are incredibly violated constantly. Having a female body is an overtly political act if you can get out of bed in the morning and not hate yourself. It is.

• 1:06:30Speaker 12

  It's hard.

• 1:06:32Tom Segura?

  That's a lot.

• 1:06:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Steph, do you, how do you feel about that?

• 1:06:35Speaker 01

  I feel like there was parts of it where I was like, okay. And then I was like, getting out of bed in the morning, what the hell?

• 1:06:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, she takes it a little too far.

• 1:06:42Speaker 01

  She takes it way too far.

• 1:06:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I'm just curious to see, cause I was like, okay, maybe this isn't my generation. Clearly I don't feel this violated, but like she's an actress. She's a lesbian actress right now. She's with a lady. So maybe they're like all against this patriarchy stuff right now, like they're ramping each other up.

• 1:06:59Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:06:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And she is, you know, she makes her living being objectified. And maybe that's what she feels.

• 1:07:05Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:07:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  But as a whole, like, I don't know that I feel that dangerous all the time.

• 1:07:09Speaker 01

  Well, maybe she's getting like hounded online and stuff. Like maybe she's getting like right now, it's at a peak where she's like every morning getting like threats and like weird shit's been plopping off. But I'm like, the only thing I'm worried someone will do to me is literally break my nose in public so I get no shop. That's, that's how I want to get violated. The men on the internet hate my nose, but that is like, I don't feel like that violated.

• 1:07:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  All the time?

• 1:07:31Speaker 01

  No, also like, you know, I'm usually wearing an oversized Harley Davidson t-shirt and fucking.

• 1:07:35Tom Segura?

  This is, it's so, it reads as like so intensely anti-men is the way like the, you know, like we, I don't want to hear you. I don't want you to tell us anything. This is, it's a violent existence. It's like, I don't know what, I mean, what you've been going through, but it feels like you're.

• 1:07:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think she's traumatized.

• 1:07:54Speaker 01

  Well, I think something's clearly happened and especially if she's in acting, I'm sure like those disgusting directors.

• 1:07:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  She deals with horrible people.

• 1:08:00Tom Segura?

  Somebody horrible is on the subject.

• 1:08:01Speaker 01

  Somebody horrible did something to her recently where it's like, god damn it.

• 1:08:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, arguably, when I started my career, nobody wanted to hear women talk. And now it's totally different. I feel like it's a little better, isn't it?

• 1:08:11Speaker 01

  It's not totally, it's a little better.

• 1:08:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  They tolerate me talking now.

• 1:08:14Speaker 01

  They tolerate some, some talking a little more, but it's still not as.

• 1:08:20Tom Segura?

  Nah, nobody really wants to hear chicks talk that way.

• 1:08:23Speaker 01

  That's why I sound like this to try to disguise my voice. No one knows who I am.

• 1:08:28Tom Segura?

  Dude, are you gonna do a Hustler shoot with Tony though, if he shows up?

• 1:08:31Speaker 01

  If Tony comes anywhere near a 500 foot radius, the FBI will be involved. I don't, I don't know what to tell you right now. The fact you said my name. If I open my phone and that man followed me, I'm blocking it.

• 1:08:44Tom Segura?

  It's um.

• 1:08:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what's a problem with stuff? You and I don't look like her. That's why.

• 1:08:48Speaker 01

  I mean, that could be, yeah.

• 1:08:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe she's just much cuter than us.

• 1:08:52Speaker 01

  I'm not getting hit on a lot. I'm not gonna lie to you. That's why when my boyfriend hit on me after the show, I was like, marry me? No one was ever hitting me before. Yeah. So it's like, I really, I lock in.

• 1:09:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's harder for her.

• 1:09:03Tom Segura?

  She normally has dark hair, right?

• 1:09:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, she's so cute. I really like her.

• 1:09:07Speaker 01

  She is cute. Yeah, but something definitely just happened to her.

• 1:09:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, bad.

• 1:09:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, this story. So this says for people listening, Kim Kardashian is setting a whole new standard in child care. Splashing millions on nannies. She runs a military style operation with a dedicated team of nannies, each assigned to one of her four kids and working around the clock. They basically take daytime nighttime shifts, 12 hour shifts at 6 a.m. So huh. They get one day off a week and are expected to travel with their allocated child, including when the kids visit dad. Yeah, includes a chief of staff and head nanny overseeing a team that manages meals, laundry, security, blah, blah, blah. This is so.

• 1:09:48Tom Segura?

  It's pretty intense.

• 1:09:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Crazy.

• 1:09:49Speaker 01

  Don't have kids if that, if that's insane.

• 1:09:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I'll tell you, so, you know, we lived adjacent to this family at some point, like very briefly. And I had heard this story of like, they've got nannies on nannies on nannies, like a room where the nannies sleep and they take 12 hour shifts sleeping. And like, it's crazy, but I guess this is what like celebrities do.

• 1:10:14Tom Segura?

  That was our oldest first play date.

• 1:10:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  With Saint.

• 1:10:18Tom Segura?

  Was with Saint.

• 1:10:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, really?

• 1:10:19Tom Segura?

  West and, and a nanny.

• 1:10:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  And a nanny.

• 1:10:22Tom Segura?

  So I had, I had Ellis, our son, and then there's this Filipino lady.

• 1:10:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just hanging out.

• 1:10:29Tom Segura?

  Just hanging out at the playground. We're at a playground.

• 1:10:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jamaican nanny. They like, or Bahamian. Was this a Bahamian?

• 1:10:34Tom Segura?

  No, this, this one was, because there was a team.

• 1:10:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, a team.

• 1:10:38Tom Segura?

  But this one was like a Filipino lady.

• 1:10:39Speaker 01

  This is crazy. I understand you're busy, you're touring, I'm not, I'm not, I am shaming her, but this, because this is, that's insane. You're not raising your kids at this point.

• 1:10:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:48Speaker 01

  When do you, when you, when do you run your children? That's insane.

• 1:10:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Never. And yeah, so I remember our son was on the same playground as Saint, and it was a security guard, it was the nanny, and I was like, this, we gotta get out of this community.

• 1:10:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's Jesus Christ.

• 1:11:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  But, uh, but yeah, like, why have the kids if you're not even gonna?

• 1:11:05Speaker 01

  That many nannies. On and off, 12-hour shifts.

• 1:11:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's the thing, here's the deal, man. I get it, she's gotta make the living, but like, why have four kids with a completely insane person? I think that's it.

• 1:11:15Speaker 01

  Also, make a living, she's fucking loaded. What more, what are you doing? How much more are we making here? You've got enough.

• 1:11:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 1:11:22Speaker 01

  Stop making.

• 1:11:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stop, I agree.

• 1:11:23Speaker 01

  Raise your kids, stop making.

• 1:11:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:11:25Speaker 01

  It's not like you're just getting started. It's not like it's your first Netflix special, bitch. Come at me. You're not gonna watch it anyways.

• 1:11:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you can't say that. You can't say that nowadays.

• 1:11:34Speaker 01

  I'll just get it.

• 1:11:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You have to be like, oh, she's a feminist icon, because she has a stable of people raising her kids. It's bananas. Anyway.

• 1:11:42Speaker 01

  That's too many.

• 1:11:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I usually marginalize psychos. This got put into the intelligent file. Sorry about that.

• 1:11:47Speaker 13

  No, that's fun. So many good songs. And I've become that mom where I'm like, sitting around with friends and I start singing like, Tyrannosaurus, that's the chorus, tyrannosaurus. I was like, what am I singing? Oh my gosh, I'm singing Storybox.

• 1:12:01Speaker 13

  I'm singing Storybox. I am not singing Beyonce in that.

• 1:12:04Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:12:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who, who's that? Was this who it is?

• 1:12:07Speaker 13

  Meghan Markle.

• 1:12:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's pretending to be a good mom here.

• 1:12:10Speaker 01

  Meghan Markle. That's the, married to the prince.

• 1:12:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. Prince Harry.

• 1:12:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um.

• 1:12:18Tom Segura?

  I like when she does the one with her friend who's like.

• 1:12:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God, I can't stop watching clips from that one. There's a woman that she's interviewing with who's just like, Yeah, yeah, it's amazing. Yeah. And it's just, it's the most puke-worthy interview. And Meghan Markle will say things like, I try to tell my children, it's that you can't do something, yet, the power of yet. Like, they're just both jacking each other so hard. It's so, it's so badass.

• 1:12:47Speaker 01

  I should have my dad go raise these kids. Smack them around a little bit. Smart up, idiot. Jesus Christ.

• 1:12:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's all bullshit.

• 1:12:55Speaker 01

  It's insane. But that's why we're all funny. Cause our parents didn't do this to us. What the hell's this?

• 1:13:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's too much.

• 1:13:01Speaker 01

  Twelve hundred nannies, talking to me like that? That baby voice? My parents never did baby voice, even when I was a baby. I swear to God. It's no baby voice.

• 1:13:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause why do you have to treat them like idiots? They're not idiots. They're just tiny people. They're learning people. You don't have to treat them like dopes.

• 1:13:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  But, uh, yeah, anyway. What are you looking for?

• 1:13:18Tom Segura?

  I was looking for that clip.

• 1:13:22Speaker 14

  I promise to hand into hold, through thick and through thin, forever I do.

• 1:13:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's your proposal and stuff.

• 1:13:30Speaker 14

  And you're the lucky one, gets to be with me. How do you like that?

• 1:13:36Tom Segura?

  How do you like that?

• 1:13:37Speaker 01

  How do you like that? I wish I had an ounce of that man's confidence.

• 1:13:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:13:42Speaker 01

  One little whisper, the amount of chin hair he's got of confidence.

• 1:13:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel like there's dried barbecue sauce on his chest.

• 1:13:49Speaker 01

  I thought there was like a skin flake situation going there.

• 1:13:51Tom Segura?

  It actually probably is dried sauce.

• 1:13:54Speaker 01

  It's definitely dried sauce. Yeah. It's from the pig guy's shit.

• 1:13:57Tom Segura?

  You're lucky to be with me. That's what he said. Oh, this is the lady. Yeah.

• 1:14:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've watched this a million times.

• 1:14:03Speaker 15

  By the way, I just have to say. I have to say. Enjoy this. I forgot to have fun. You're right. You're right.

• 1:14:10Speaker 01

  How many views does this have?

• 1:14:11Speaker 15

  Our divinely ordered, getting to know you for who you truly are.

• 1:14:16Speaker 01

  Unreal.

• 1:14:18Speaker 15

  So why did you say yes to doing this show? Cause it's you. Is like, I want people to see that. You know what I mean? I'm gonna get emotional if I talk about it. It's a gift to celebrate my friend. You're listening or watching, connect with the truth.

• 1:14:33Speaker 01

  How many followers does that bitch have? I'm actually pissed.

• 1:14:35Speaker 15

  And that's what I hear and listen to this.

• 1:14:36Tom Segura?

  I don't know who this is.

• 1:14:38Speaker 15

  But you're the same. You're the same.

• 1:14:41Speaker 01

  Like, I know. Who talks like this?

• 1:14:43Tom Segura?

  They just reaffirm everything.

• 1:14:45Speaker 01

  No woman I've never met who actually speaks like that in my life.

• 1:14:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I have. Went to get into the mom world.

• 1:14:52Tom Segura?

  What's her name?

• 1:14:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't even know her name.

• 1:14:54Tom Segura?

  Jamie?

• 1:14:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jamie something.

• 1:14:55Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 1:14:57Speaker 01

  612,000 followers.

• 1:15:01Tom Segura?

  Jamie Lima.

• 1:15:02Speaker 01

  Who are these fucking followers? This is crazy.

• 1:15:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what it is?

• 1:15:05Speaker 01

  This has to be hate watching. This can't be people actually liking this.

• 1:15:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like, I actually like Mariah Schreiber. She was nice to me one time when I bombed at some journalism conference. She was very nice to me. She was like politely smiling. It was horrible.

• 1:15:17Tom Segura?

  I don't like her brother or her fucking nephew. Cunts.

• 1:15:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 1:15:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dang. The Jamie card.

• 1:15:23Speaker 01

  I choose me with Jamie card. Yeah.

• 1:15:26Tom Segura?

  He's a piece of shit.

• 1:15:27Speaker 01

  I should go on her, I should ask to do her podcast, actually. I may ask my PR people to get me on that promote special.

• 1:15:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was gonna say, what is this? This is when Oprah Winfrey started the self-help, basically like brought it all to light. And a lot of women got turned on to Oprah Winfrey and also the stuff that was pretty useful and pretty good. And now it's like carried on a decade too long.

• 1:15:47Speaker 01

  And she's, that's the voice now? Yeah.

• 1:15:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  What the fuck?

• 1:15:51Speaker 01

  Just do it, you. Don't forget that filth queen comes out. June 24th on Netflix. I won't be watching it, but yeah, you should.

• 1:16:01Speaker 15

  Yeah, I won't be watching it. No way.

• 1:16:03Speaker 01

  No way. I can't, my eyeballs can't see that kind of stuff.

• 1:16:06Speaker 15

  You know what? What I put inside of my heart and my spirit is pure.

• 1:16:10Tom Segura?

  There's always that, there's, the pitch always goes.

• 1:16:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:14Tom Segura?

  It's go up and down.

• 1:16:16Speaker 01

  It is fun to do. Now you do the voice, I'm like, oh, I could, this is just.

• 1:16:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, you know what they love to say, these types of people?

• 1:16:21Speaker 15

  I love that for you.

• 1:16:23Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:24Speaker 15

  Steph, I love that for you.

• 1:16:27Speaker 01

  Oh, you're asshole and hustler? I love that for you. Yeah. I wanna spread it wide open, yeah.

• 1:16:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I love that for you.

• 1:16:35Tom Segura?

  For you.

• 1:16:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which the insinuation is like, not for me. Cause I'm better than you, but for you, that's a good choice.

• 1:16:41Tom Segura?

  There's some food on the ground and I love that for you.

• 1:16:43Speaker 01

  You hungry? Yeah. Get on your hands and knees, you little pig. Yeah.

• 1:16:47Tom Segura?

  There's some scraps that I didn't have and I love that for you.

• 1:16:51Speaker 01

  You wanna scrape off the bottom of my Tupperware? Yeah.

• 1:16:54Tom Segura?

  There's some wagyu in the fridge, but that's for me. But for you, I love something else.

• 1:17:00Speaker 01

  I love that for you. I shit in the toilet and it clogged.

• 1:17:03Tom Segura?

  And I love that for you.

• 1:17:04Speaker 01

  I love that for you. I'll clog it.

• 1:17:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, these are women that don't have negative emotions.

• 1:17:08Speaker 16

  Is it acceptable to marry my cousin?

• 1:17:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Duh.

• 1:17:10Speaker 16

  You want to marry her, go ahead. It is halal. Now, for some reason, this is something people make fun of Muslims. Oh, go marry your cousin, go marry your cousin. Yo, bro, we marry cousins all the time. People have been marrying cousins for millions of years, bro. And yes, the chances of a birth defect might be increased, but it's not to the level where Allah knows us. Allah knows best. It's not to the level where it's gonna be dangerous. My parents were cousins. Look how I turned out. I have brothers and sisters who married cousins. I have lots of people in my family who are cousins who are married. Absolutely not a single issue in any of my siblings' family ever. So, you want to marry a cousin, go ahead. You don't want to, go find a halal badi.

• 1:17:54Tom Segura?

  How do you feel about marrying a cousin?

• 1:17:55Speaker 01

  It's disgusting.

• 1:17:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:57Speaker 01

  There's so many other people out there.

• 1:17:58Tom Segura?

  There's so many.

• 1:17:59Speaker 01

  There's so many other human beings out there. Why on earth would you?

• 1:18:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  But have you had a hot cousin?

• 1:18:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, I had a sex dream with one of my cousins years ago. And I'll tell you what, Christmas is still funny because my other cousins know about it. Um, no, he was a Mormon, so it would have been not that gross. No, I'm kidding. Um, no, it's still gross.

• 1:18:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  It would be halal, though.

• 1:18:18Speaker 01

  It'd be halal.

• 1:18:18Tom Segura?

  It'd be halal.

• 1:18:19Speaker 01

  I didn't know it was clean. Uh, no, it's disgusting. I don't understand. There's too many people. Why do you want anyone that looks like you?

• 1:18:26Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 1:18:27Speaker 01

  Repulsed.

• 1:18:27Tom Segura?

  Also, like, don't you want to just get out there and meet somebody?

• 1:18:30Speaker 01

  Change up the vibe here. That's why, get a new family. Also, do you want, do you love your family that much? Keep it in, just keep it all together.

• 1:18:37Tom Segura?

  This tight?

• 1:18:38Speaker 01

  No, I, I, that's...

• 1:18:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  But this is England.

• 1:18:42Speaker 01

  That's England?

• 1:18:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  England, they're all cousin fuckers. That's why they're all like the same.

• 1:18:46Tom Segura?

  Well, the royals all fucking married each other.

• 1:18:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, most of that island is inbred, you know? They fuck their cousins and stuff.

• 1:18:52Tom Segura?

  That's why they look like that.

• 1:18:52Speaker 01

  That's why their teeth look like that?

• 1:18:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:55Tom Segura?

  You look at like Scottish and it's always, you're like, the fuck's going on here?

• 1:18:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because they're on an island together and they all fucked for, you know, centuries.

• 1:19:02Speaker 01

  But now I feel like there's enough people. Yeah, yeah, you want to change it up. That's why I want a whitey. I want a big old whitey, mix it up down there. Mix up the gene pool.

• 1:19:11Tom Segura?

  Fuck, yeah.

• 1:19:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:13Tom Segura?

  Get out of Bulgaria.

• 1:19:14Speaker 01

  Get out of Bulgaria, slopping around. I find that, it's also like, you have no personality? That you have to just rely on like talking to your family still like

• 1:19:24Tom Segura?

  This is ridiculous.

• 1:19:25Speaker 01

  It's absurd.

• 1:19:25Tom Segura?

  Get out there. Change your eye color. Are you ready to go in and get your eye color changed?

• 1:19:29Speaker 01

  No, I this, I can't do this.

• 1:19:31Speaker 13

  I've been wanting to do this for a long time.

• 1:19:33Tom Segura?

  Everyone's been wanting you to do it.

• 1:19:34Speaker 13

  Dude, I can't.

• 1:19:35Tom Segura?

  Your eyes are gross lady.

• 1:19:36Speaker 01

  No, this.

• 1:19:37Speaker 13

  Evergreen.

• 1:19:38Tom Segura?

  What are your friends and family thinking?

• 1:19:39Speaker 13

  Friends are really excited.

• 1:19:41Tom Segura?

  Let's do this, shall we?

• 1:19:42Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, no, no, I can't, I can't do eye stuff.

• 1:19:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, it's so hard to.

• 1:19:45Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:19:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, fucking with your eyes just for the

• 1:19:48Speaker 01

  No, the guy on your front desk, oh, oh god.

• 1:19:53Speaker 01

  I didn't, I can't, I can't hear it. I actually can't hear it. Oh my god! Jesus Christ.

• 1:19:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they don't look like real green. They look like alien green.

• 1:20:03Speaker 01

  No, I can't.

• 1:20:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's got like vampire green.

• 1:20:05Speaker 13

  I'm very happy with those. I said they're perfect.

• 1:20:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, they're not. They look crazy.

• 1:20:09Tom Segura?

  So what do you think your friends are gonna say?

• 1:20:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  You look like an alien sliestack?

• 1:20:13Speaker 01

  I can't, I really, I eyeballs are

• 1:20:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, she does not look good.

• 1:20:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  They didn't even put her out?

• 1:20:20Tom Segura?

  Let's see.

• 1:20:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can't fucking do anesthesia for that?

• 1:20:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, those are Hulk green.

• 1:20:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, they're not good.

• 1:20:24Tom Segura?

  You know what I mean? Like Incredible Hulk.

• 1:20:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:27Speaker 01

  The idea?

• 1:20:28Tom Segura?

  They don't look like, uh, they don't look like, oh, your eyes are green. They look like fucking screaming green, you know?

• 1:20:35Speaker 01

  As if anyone stopped her on the street or comments on an inner video, god, your eyes are poopoo cocka. I can't look at you disgusting eye pig. That's insane to get that done.

• 1:20:44Tom Segura?

  So crazy.

• 1:20:44Speaker 01

  That's so gross.

• 1:20:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  She literally looks like a lizard person.

• 1:20:47Tom Segura?

  I would do this though.

• 1:20:48Speaker 01

  Like the guy who lives out here. You see the lizard guy out here? That guy's dick better be green. It pisses me off. If that man's cock is white, I will, that's psychotic.

• 1:20:57Tom Segura?

  Which guy?

• 1:20:58Speaker 01

  Lizard man out here. I always see him out here.

• 1:21:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:01Speaker 01

  You can't go full lizard and have a white dick.

• 1:21:03Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:21:03Speaker 01

  That's nuts.

• 1:21:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sure he doesn't.

• 1:21:05Speaker 01

  You have to have tan balls, anus has to be

• 1:21:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, it doesn't look good. It's not good.

• 1:21:11Speaker 01

  What a strange surgery to get.

• 1:21:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know why? Cause they need to have like, there needs to be some contouring or some blending of dark and light. Like it's all just light. It's all green.

• 1:21:20Speaker 01

  If I get a hair in my eye, I leave it. I can't even touch my eyeball. It's, it's gone. We're done now. There's hairs in my head.

• 1:21:26Tom Segura?

  Would you do, um, eye surgery?

• 1:21:28Speaker 01

  Never. If I, if I have to get laser, I'm gonna have fucking bottle caps. I'm gonna look like you too. I'm, I tell you right now. I ain't fucking ever, I can't even put a contact in. I was always scared. I'm like, if I go in acting roles, like you have to, I'm like, well, then I'm not doing it.

• 1:21:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:39Speaker 01

  I can't touch my, this guy, this guy's dick better be green. You cut your tongue, you put inserts in your head.

• 1:21:46Tom Segura?

  Dick pics out there?

• 1:21:47Speaker 01

  He's gotta have dick.

• 1:21:48Tom Segura?

  There has to be. And he's definitely modified his dick.

• 1:21:53Speaker 01

  You can't go this far.

• 1:21:55Tom Segura?

  Right, and be like, oh, here's my normal dick?

• 1:21:57Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:21:58Tom Segura?

  Does it say? He's done more stuff to his dick than his face. If you search the dick. It's all dick stuff.

• 1:22:05Speaker 01

  Dick.

• 1:22:07Tom Segura?

  Porn. How about just nude?

• 1:22:13Speaker 01

  Why did gay porn come up for that?

• 1:22:15Tom Segura?

  Well? I don't know.

• 1:22:16Speaker 01

  Okay, well, we gotta, call him up.

• 1:22:18Tom Segura?

  We gotta find you.

• 1:22:19Speaker 01

  I'm actually surprised you don't have his number.

• 1:22:20Tom Segura?

  Sir, bring your dick in here.

• 1:22:22Speaker 01

  Call him up.

• 1:22:22Tom Segura?

  Um, all right, we have to wrap this up, but Steph.

• 1:22:27Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me.

• 1:22:28Tom Segura?

  No, we're so.

• 1:22:28Speaker 01

  Thanks for quizzing me.

• 1:22:30Tom Segura?

  First of all. You're gonna do great. You're gonna pass your citizenship test. I'm very, very proud of you. And also you can finally just renounce your Canadian citizenship. It's a big deal.

• 1:22:39Speaker 01

  Do you have to renounce? No. No, I'm beginning to do a citizen.

• 1:22:42Tom Segura?

  You have to burn your passport. No, but so proud of you and happy for you for Filth Queens. Amazing. Great title, by the way. That's really funny. June 24th on Netflix. If you've never seen Steph, she's absolutely hilarious. Please watch the special. Don't forget to pick up her Hustler spread. Which is coming up as well. And then her and, I don't know if her and Tony John are gonna work together in some way. But it's gonna be. He's in Syracuse, I mean.

• 1:23:10Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna see him. I'm gonna see him this summer. We're going up, we go up there.

• 1:23:12Tom Segura?

  And you know what? If you go see Steph on tour, which you absolutely should, bring her some homemade poutine and just show her a good time. We love you. Thank you for coming.

• 1:23:21Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me. My gosh, thank you.

• 1:23:22Tom Segura?

  We'll see you guys next week.

• 1:23:47Speaker 03

  Beautiful. Uh huh, her big ass.

• 1:23:57Speaker 03

  One time. She got a lil brick building. One time. She got a lil brick building. One time. She got a lil brick building. One time. Ay yi yi. She got a lil brick building. One time. She got a lil brick building. One time. She got a lil brick building. One time. I'ma make her roll up.

• 1:24:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, they got some boy over there, mama. Yeah. Doesn't matter if she young or old. Yeah, I wanna eat your feet. Yeah, I wanna eat your feet. Yeah, I wanna eat your feet. I want your feet. Yeah, I wanna eat your feet. Doesn't matter if she young or old. Uh huh. One time. Ay yi yi.

• 1:25:22Speaker 03

  Lena, how you doing, my baby? I've been alright, yeah, good. Y'all got to play that music. When I, when I say I'ma make you feel like a woman, I'ma make you feel like a woman. Straight up, these going eyes. My baby girl, when you gonna let me touch your ass? I promise you.

• 1:25:46Speaker 03

  It's church! Oh yeah, my baby! It's church! My baby girl, I'ma make you feel good, baby! I promise you, in God's eye, the way you been in over like this? Just give me one chance, please, my baby. Yeah, give me one chance, my baby girl. I wanna eat your ass, one time! Ay yi yi!

• 1:26:28Speaker 03

  One time! She got a lil brick building! One time! She got a lil brick building! One time! She got a lil brick building! One time! Ay yi yi! She got a lil brick building! One time! She got a lil brick building! One time! She got a lil brick building! One time! I'ma tear her all up!

• 1:26:54Speaker 03

  Well, come on, lady! Show me!

• 1:27:00Speaker 03

  Yeah! Baby, it's church!

• 1:27:19Speaker 03

  One time! She got a lil brick building! One time! She got a lil brick building! One time! She got a lil brick building! One time! Ay yi yi! She got a lil brick building! One time! She got a lil brick building! One time! She got a lil brick building! One time! I'ma tear her all up!

• 1:27:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, my baby girl, Gabriel. I'm looking at you, girl. Yeah, you beautiful baby. Yeah, they got some booty over there, mama. I'm telling you, man. That booty gonna get you kiss. Listen to this. I'm gonna eat them little motherfucking women's drawers. Yeah, I'ma smoke these drawers. When I say I'ma smell your drawers. When I'm laying down, I'ma smell your drawers. Uh huh. Nina, I bet you any kind of money, you can't put your booty in my face. And it doesn't matter if you got a small booty or a big booty. Guess what?

• 1:28:38Speaker 03

  You wanna swing out, you know how? I'll let that ball go. Straight up. Be a woman.

• 1:29:09Speaker 03

  When I get through with you, you not done back to your house. You gonna stay over here with me. Straight up. I call it like I see it. Yeah, 'cause you ain't never had that feeling before. Be a woman.