White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809

Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: Try Tastemade+ free for 7 days right now at https://tastemade.com/YMH Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://BlueChew.com! Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code YMH -- just pay $5 shipping. Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://Talkspace.com Hey Jeans! This week on Your Mom’s House, Tom and Christina kick things off with some good old fashioned white woman cringe. From Fergie massacring the national anthem to Kim Cattrall scatting, we've got a gauntlet of embarrassing singing in public for you to enjoy. Tom then opens the show with a clip of a wild mattress flip, before the Main Mommies get an update from Tony Johns, whose recent stint behind bars has put his Vegas plans on hold. They then speculate on what King Ass Ripper, the cool guy who got away, has been up to. The two also talk about learning to speak mother tongues, black dudes not being amused by gay stuff, a vision update, buckets of brown, Enny thoughts, plus some horrible or hilarious clips, and a Vietnamese hair salon with a questionable name. Don't forget to check your b holes for sores! Your Mom’s House Ep. 809 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:00 - Fergie's Greatest Hits 00:05:56 - Clip: Kim Cattrall Scatting 00:08:17 - Clip: Big Jessica Simpson Energy 00:09:32 - Opening Clip: Bed Flip 00:14:45 - Tony Johns Is Locked Up 00:22:46 - Mother Tongue 00:31:18 - The Cool Guy Who Got Away 00:42:38 - Black Dudes Don't Like The Gay Stuff 00:45:37 - Vision Update + Tom's Poo Buckets 00:54:05 - Clip: Sores In Ma B Hole 00:54:50 - A New Challenge 00:59:07 - Enny Thoughts 01:03:46 - Horrible Or Hilarious 01:06:54 - Vietnamese Hair Salon 01:11:08 - Dates 01:12:51 - Closing Song - "Fart Mic Assassins" by Brothers & Hendawg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Segura?

  Get ready, Moline, Illinois. I'll be at the Vibrant Arena this Thursday, May 8th, during my Come Together Tour. And due to demand, I've also recently added a second show in Akron, Ohio, on Sunday, September 7th, at Akron Civic Theater. Get tickets now at tomskara.com/tour.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

• 0:28Tom Segura?

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• 2:17Speaker 02

  Let's play some basketball.

• 2:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:19Speaker 02

  Let's play some basketball. Let's play some basketball. I think, I think your pussy's broken.

• 2:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 2:43Tom Segura?

  Isn't that something, man? DJ Sway, the remix god. He always, he's always just putting out bangers. But that one's from a couple of years ago. And I just, I've been listening to it on repeat in my car.

• 2:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like when she goes, "Ah!"

• 2:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  That girl, I tell you, she really, if anything, she's got chutzpah. I don't know if you remember the Good Morning America performance where she did cartwheel after cartwheel after cartwheel. Can you find that real quick, Josh? It was so alarming that it has made a repass on the meme circuit.

• 3:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because this happened, what, a decade ago? And look, here it is.

• 3:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Again, and she goes in for seconds.

• 3:38Tom Segura?

  The, uh, the, uh, the...

• 3:42Tom Segura?

  If you don't remember, she did the National Anthem.

• 3:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, boy.

• 3:46Tom Segura?

  And some of the players were laughing during her National Anthem.

• 3:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's cool.

• 3:51Tom Segura?

  So, and then like her, I think it's her husband at the time or her boyfriend.

• 3:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, like if you, you see them breaking during the National Anthem. Shit, that's got 29 million views.

• 4:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, and it's like, the military people are breaking?

• 4:07Tom Segura?

  No, no, the players.

• 4:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay.

• 4:08Tom Segura?

  If you watch that, if you can hit it. So she's doing it, like there's guys, you know, the players all just kind of like, usually you stand there, kind of look down. And, and you can start to see their faces. So they're like looking around. Like, they're like, huh, that's interesting. And then I think you see Draymond Green look down and smile because he's laughing at the performance.

• 4:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's gotta be rough.

• 4:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah. There's Kyrie.

• 4:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it's the national anthem.

• 4:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's the All-Star game. Like, he's got a little smirk on his face, LeBron.

• 4:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, LeBron knows.

• 4:44Tom Segura?

  He's like, hmm, Curry's reaction is one of the funniest on this shit. Yeah, right here, there's Draymond, huh? He's about to break.

• 4:59Tom Segura?

  So she got clowned, right? Really hard?

• 5:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  My palms are sweating for her now. I'm so embarrassed.

• 5:03Tom Segura?

  But then, who's her, who was she married to or is she married to?

• 5:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Orlando Bloom.

• 5:07Tom Segura?

  No, that's not, that's Katy Perry.

• 5:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, sorry. That's a different talent.

• 5:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that hip. Josh, Josh Du.

• 5:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Duhamel?

• 5:14Tom Segura?

  Duhamel, yeah.

• 5:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Duhamel.

• 5:15Tom Segura?

  So he at the time was with her, I guess. It looks like they're not married anymore. And when, when people were clowning it, he got fucking pissed, right? As her husband.

• 5:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 5:29Tom Segura?

  At the players. Like, he was just like, fuck you, man, to some of these guys. Like, you guys are dickheads. And then this, this remix came out, okay? The, the.

• 5:43Tom Segura?

  Because when was that? It's 18, yeah. They're, they're, they split in 19. So the remix came out.

• 5:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 5:49Tom Segura?

  And then the players.

• 5:53Tom Segura?

  The players were, uh, listening to it.

• 6:00Tom Segura?

  Listening to that mix in the, in the, in the locker room.

• 6:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 6:13Tom Segura?

  Post-game.

• 6:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's amazing.

• 6:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 6:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's amazing.

• 6:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it's so fun.

• 6:39Tom Segura?

  And this is how, that's how, by the way, that's how you win any, any like battle like that is like just having a laugh. So they didn't say shit back to him. They just danced.

• 6:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're like, hey, we didn't make the song. Have you ever seen, and by the way, there's, there's a couple of things that stick out in my memory in life that I play on repeat.

• 7:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, it's Kim Cattrall. We've played it on this show before and her, she goes, my husband and I like to play the bass and I scat along.

• 7:13Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 7:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it's, it's her ret- oh my god. Please, this is-

• 7:18Speaker 05

  Plays the upright bass. Yamikipiebo, cederefakabe, inda latin equos, uje, saba sere!

• 7:32Speaker 05

  Well, he bit all the he dogs and winked at all the she dogs. The town never knew such a hullabaloo-

• 7:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is what they do in their free time.

• 7:45Tom Segura?

  Here's what I really take from this though. Do whatever you want. You don't have to share it.

• 7:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. Keep your hobbies quiet.

• 7:52Tom Segura?

  That's what you, like, you should keep this as private as your sex life.

• 7:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 7:56Tom Segura?

  This could just be between you guys.

• 7:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Scatting, pata beray!

• 7:59Tom Segura?

  You know what I also do? I piss in his mouth and he gargles with it. Like, yeah, we don't need to see it.

• 8:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Zapadabadeba, pata beray! I can't take, it's the pata beray that sticks in my mind.

• 8:10Tom Segura?

  What do those comments say about this?

• 8:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah, you don't wanna hear. I'm sure she's lovely and I think she's nice and stuff.

• 8:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just pray that the he-dogs are okay.

• 8:21Tom Segura?

  I come back to this every few years just to remind myself.

• 8:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sweating.

• 8:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, see, this is the sort of thing that you never allow someone to witness or film.

• 8:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck, dude. Hotter beret, okay.

• 8:34Tom Segura?

  That probably happened at the height of her fame.

• 8:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 8:36Tom Segura?

  Where you're like, oh, everything that I do is pretty cool.

• 8:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 8:39Tom Segura?

  Because I'm famous.

• 8:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  That, and then some magazine or somebody wants to do a piece on you.

• 8:43Tom Segura?

  I am responsible for at least 100,000 of these views.

• 8:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's how I feel. But then they go, why don't we come to your house and film you and your husband? And that's when you go, no.

• 8:56Tom Segura?

  Do that, you know how you were saying how he plays the upright bass and you scat along? We kind of want to film that.

• 9:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 9:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  The answer's no. That video, and then that, and Jessica Simpson singing along with Jewel? Please find this. Have you seen this? You think Fergie was off. Wait until you see this one. This one sticks in my brain, too, and this happened about a decade ago as well. But when I think I've embarrassed myself.

• 9:23Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's always this.

• 9:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's Jewel. That's her style.

• 10:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because here's the deal. Here's the deal. I'm not shitting on them. I can see myself doing it. Can you see yourself? I see myself being like, I could sing with Jewel.

• 10:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let me try singing with Jewel. And then you slip into her style, even though it's not your style, and you're trying. Oh, fuck, I'm sweating.

• 10:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's tough.

• 10:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, Christina, you want to sing the National Anthem? No.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  Yay, yay, yay, yay. Let's play some basketball.

• 10:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pot of beret. That's the one that gets me. In my sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night going, "Pot of beret."

• 10:33Tom Segura?

  You ready?

• 10:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm ready.

• 10:34Tom Segura?

  Here's your opening clip.

• 10:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, we didn't even do that?

• 10:36Tom Segura?

  Nope.

• 10:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit.

• 10:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the part you like. I know. I know.

• 11:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Metal fucking problem.

• 11:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow.

• 11:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

• 11:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow, meow.

• 11:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, that's the part you like the most, is that.

• 11:56Tom Segura?

  Well, she reacted like, three seconds late to being flipped over. Like, he flipped her over and...

• 12:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got real fucking mental problem.

• 12:09Tom Segura?

  She's like, "This guy actually hurts. You flipped me over on a bed."

• 12:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. You know what bothers me the most is the overhead lighting is on and you know how much...

• 12:20Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah, well, the room's a mess, too.

• 12:30Tom Segura?

  You think it's funny, too.

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• 14:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  The real question is, what did that dumb bitch do to make him so mad?

• 15:00Tom Segura?

  It was something about his phone, right? Cause he was like, where's my phone? Isn't that how it started? He was like, where's my phone?

• 15:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck.

• 15:09Tom Segura?

  Your phone was already all.

• 15:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is delayed. Yeah, you're right.

• 15:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, she should have made noise a few seconds earlier.

• 15:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. But first of all, in her defense, men can't find shit.

• 15:26Tom Segura?

  That's true.

• 15:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ever. And she's probably like, dude, come on. How am I gonna do this? I'm laying down. You're bothering me. Just like last night, I was comfortable. I had the cat on my lap. I'm a heating pad on. I can't find the remote.

• 15:36Tom Segura?

  And where was it?

• 15:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was on my side.

• 15:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you could have looked. I told you to look there.

• 15:42Tom Segura?

  Okay, all right. Okay, that's true. It's true. So we have like kind of breaking news. I don't know if people know this. We kind of, kind of got to make, well.

• 15:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's so much.

• 15:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's so much. First, I should just remind people that Bad Thoughts comes out on Netflix next week. Tuesday, the 13th. You can set your reminders now. You can actually turn it on, the reminder. If you, if you go through it, it's already on the platform. Please check it out.

• 16:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Amaze.

• 16:09Tom Segura?

  Very, very excite. Okay, that being said.

• 16:21Tom Segura?

  About a week ago, Tony John should have been in Las Vegas, shooting his first adult scene with, with the great Alexis Fox. That did not happen. And it's, it's very, very disappointing.

• 16:39Tom Segura?

  Because Tony John is back in jail.

• 16:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, hold on, but back it up. We told him, like, all he has to do-

• 16:45Tom Segura?

  All you gotta do is stay out of trouble.

• 16:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just stay out of jail.

• 16:48Tom Segura?

  He was like, "I got you. I got you," you know? I said, "Are you gonna do that? Can you stay out of trouble?" And he was like-

• 16:55Speaker 01

  You know, like, dead-ass though.

• 16:56Tom Segura?

  "I can." And, um-

• 16:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dead-ass.

• 17:00Tom Segura?

  Then I got the update. Guess what? Did not, not only did not stay out of trouble, is in all kinds of trouble.

• 17:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 17:06Tom Segura?

  He's in jail, man.

• 17:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, is it land? I don't know what it's related to.

• 17:09Tom Segura?

  This, as far as I know, isn't it related to, like, a family dispute now?

• 17:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 17:13Speaker 06

  Yep. Yeah, he went and, like, fought his uncle or something.

• 17:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh-oh.

• 17:19Tom Segura?

  What's, what's the origin of that fight?

• 17:23Speaker 06

  Um, I think, you know, they've had, like, an ongoing beef for a while, and there was, like, a restraining order, and I guess-

• 17:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I remember that.

• 17:30Speaker 06

  He, like, challenged him to a fight, and Tony showed up with, like, boxing gloves, and that's kinda all we really know, and then he was in jail after that.

• 17:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  He showed up with boxing gloves?

• 17:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, and I think he was, like, documenting it along the way, like-

• 17:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's bad.

• 17:42Speaker 06

  "Got my boxing gloves, going over to meet him."

• 17:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  He don't show up.

• 17:45Tom Segura?

  To your uncle, too?

• 17:46Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 17:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you can't.

• 17:47Tom Segura?

  I wonder who won the fight? Do we know that?

• 17:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's most of it.

• 17:50Speaker 06

  I mean, Tony's in jail, so-

• 17:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 17:52Speaker 06

  Who knows?

• 17:53Tom Segura?

  Who knows? Well, here's the update. He has called us? He has left us a message from jail?

• 17:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's a voice message.

• 18:00Tom Segura?

  You ready? I haven't heard it. I have no idea what it is.

• 18:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Neither have I.

• 18:03Tom Segura?

  I'm excited. Here we go.

• 18:05Speaker 07

  Hey, what's going on, everybody? All my fans, just wanna say this is the ladies' man, Tony Michael Jones, a worker. Um, I am doing great in here. I'm eating good, I'm living good, I'm sleeping good, I'm living it up, you know? All the COs love me, and, uh, just wanna say, you know, to all my fans, I just wanna say I appreciate all the respect, all the love, and, you know, I, I, I love you guys so much. Um, it's, you know, this is just a little setback and when I get out, I'm very, very, very excited to do the, uh, to do the shoot with Alexis down in Vegas. So let's go, baby. Come on, girl. Woo, let's go. And, uh, you know, be ready Alexis, cause you know, sweetie, when I get out of here,

• 18:49Speaker 07

  I, I can't wait to, uh, to give it to you, sweetie, you know, on film, everything, sweetheart. So I just wanna say, I'm doing good. I'm eating good. CEOs love me. I'm living it up, man. Even though I'm locked up, I'm living it up, you know? I'm getting, uh, double portions on my, uh, on my meals, you know? Breakfast, lunch and dinner. I'm living it up. And I, I love my fans and I'm just living it up. Let's go. Woo, let's go.

• 19:16Tom Segura?

  I mean, look, I don't think you could have a better outlook on things.

• 19:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 19:21Tom Segura?

  I mean, for the way that most people react when they're in jail, this is as good as it gets.

• 19:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's so positive and resilient.

• 19:30Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 19:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I hate to say this, but I, dare I say, he likes being in prison.

• 19:35Tom Segura?

  I think he likes jail. And I think, I think this is a, a real lesson to all our, our fans in jail, is that it's all about perspective, man. If you're like, ugh, this sucks.

• 19:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Attitude.

• 19:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, your attitude sucks, then it does suck. But if you're like, man, I'm living it up, people like me, I get double portions, I'm sleeping good, I'm having a great time.

• 19:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 19:57Tom Segura?

  Then doing time's not so bad.

• 19:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not so bad. And also, I thought that sex worker would be his only gig that he'd be really good at. Turns out, prison inmate too.

• 20:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, inmate. He's a good inmate.

• 20:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Inmate or sex worker.

• 20:09Tom Segura?

  Maybe like the ideal inmate, you know? Like, he's the one who the warden's gonna be like, you guys, this is who we're trying to get you to be like.

• 20:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep. Wow.

• 20:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, wow, that is something. Um, and he's fired up to shoot his scene and he's, you know, he's, he's really, he's got a good outlook on things.

• 20:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, now he does have a reason to try to get out of jail. Like, he's got a goal to work towards, which is nice.

• 20:34Tom Segura?

  Do you have any idea how long he's gonna be in?

• 20:37Speaker 06

  I think his court date's coming up in like a week or two and then hopefully he'll get out, but we'll see how that goes.

• 20:43Tom Segura?

  Right, cuz he might have to bail out still, right?

• 20:45Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, he did violate a restraining order against his uncle and then he documented it and showed up with boxing gloves, not a smart idea.

• 20:53Tom Segura?

  I mean, the judge is not gonna be like, that was a good idea.

• 20:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 20:56Tom Segura?

  You know what also is interesting?

• 20:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 20:58Tom Segura?

  Is to be, to have this perspective. One might actually think it's directly correlated to one's intelligence.

• 21:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 21:06Tom Segura?

  You know?

• 21:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 21:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are you talking about?

• 21:08Tom Segura?

  Well, there's kind of this bell curve for, for IQ.

• 21:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 21:14Tom Segura?

  And it could be that somebody on either side of this either tells themself, you need to change your perspective, and they're on the, the right side of the curve, or that some people that are on the left side of that curve just go, this isn't that bad.

• 21:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  This isn't that bad?

• 21:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:35Tom Segura?

  You know what I mean?

• 21:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, look, Tom, there are a lot of gentlemen.

• 21:39Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 21:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  And some women who prefer life on the inside. Because it is consistent. There is some discipline, there is some structure to their day-to-day existence.

• 21:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, the one thing he's gonna run into is there's no women.

• 21:54Tom Segura?

  That's a problem.

• 21:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's a problem.

• 21:55Tom Segura?

  But he also, he opened his third eye to the possibilities of that being a cool thing, too.

• 22:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  His third brow.

• 22:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Wow, this is, I'm disappointed because we did tee him up.

• 22:05Tom Segura?

  We were all set. Now, here's the other person that was all set, Alexis Fox. Alexis, who is an adult superstar, was ready to introduce Tony into that world by having his debut scene be with her, which is the best-case scenario, right?

• 22:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Truly.

• 22:21Tom Segura?

  Like, you're really gonna be with a big-time performer here.

• 22:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Truly.

• 22:24Tom Segura?

  And that legitimizes him in that field.

• 22:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  He would have a leg up.

• 22:29Tom Segura?

  She had a set, like a place to shoot the scene, all ready to go, cuz we were going with, ironically, it was gonna be a jail scene.

• 22:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 22:38Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 22:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is ironic.

• 22:38Tom Segura?

  So she got the set, it was all set to go, then she gets word, Tony's not available. Well, she's already paid to use, like, reserve the set, so she decided to use the set anyway and gave us a shout-out from the set, and she was like, this is dedicated to you guys.

• 22:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 22:56Tom Segura?

  Um, she went airtight.

• 22:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow!

• 22:59Tom Segura?

  Isn't that cool?

• 23:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alexis!

• 23:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Congratulations.

• 23:03Tom Segura?

  That's pretty wild.

• 23:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see, there's a gentleman there. Yep, one, two, three.

• 23:07Tom Segura?

  Yep, that's every hole.

• 23:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's every hole.

• 23:10Tom Segura?

  Don't drop the soap, it says in the background.

• 23:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's cool.

• 23:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that could have been Tony.

• 23:15Tom Segura?

  That could have been, well, he could have been one of them.

• 23:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's too bad that he, uh, missed, missed out on this, because it looks like they're having fun.

• 23:22Tom Segura?

  That definitely looks like a good time.

• 23:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a good shot. You can see everything happening.

• 23:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and so, I'm sure if we sent this to Tony, he'd be like, shit, I gotta get out of here.

• 23:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 23:31Tom Segura?

  I gotta be, I gotta be one of these guys.

• 23:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe he could hang this in his cell.

• 23:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, it's like, sometimes they put pinups there, and that could be his.

• 23:38Tom Segura?

  I don't know if you can DM him or not, but that would be maybe motivation. Pretty cool.

• 23:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Thank you, Alexis. That was really sweet of you to send that along.

• 23:49Tom Segura?

  You know, I've been working on my Itlean for quite a while now.

• 23:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 23:54Tom Segura?

  Um, I need to shout out to my tutor again, because that's very helpful. You've been actually consistently with your tutor in Hungarian.

• 24:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right. I've been relearning my, my mother tongue.

• 24:04Tom Segura?

  And it's such a beautiful language.

• 24:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you.

• 24:06Tom Segura?

  And, um, we have this.

• 24:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 24:10Tom Segura?

  Clip here from, I guess, a website where.

• 24:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, oh, I thought this is a thing I.

• 24:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you sent in, like, it's a little.

• 24:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, so my tutor taught me this word, and I wanted to share it with the entire universe.

• 24:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, let's share.

• 24:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so fun.

• 24:22Tom Segura?

  Let's share the word, then you can tell us what it means.

• 24:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't say it, but.

• 24:25Tom Segura?

  I know, but I'll, I'll play it, and then you tell us what this word means. Ready? Here we go.

• 24:29Speaker 08

  Persze megapostástálon itt, hatotlanítottatok.

• 24:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's slow. Not that word per se. Per se is, yes, of course. But that megatapostáttatatatatat. Can you play that again?

• 24:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 24:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just so people get that.

• 24:46Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm. Okay.

• 24:49Speaker 08

  Tástálon itt, megapostástálon itt, hatotlanítottatok.

• 24:55Tom Segura?

  That's one word.

• 24:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's one word in Hungarian.

• 24:57Tom Segura?

  And it means?

• 24:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'll tell you, this is the best. So it's based on the dish tiltotkapusta, which is stuffed cabbage, okay? And what this one word means is that there's so much meat and cabbage in this pot that I am making tiltotkapusta in, I cannot fit more cabbage in the pot. That's what that one word means. There's so much meat and cabbage in this pot of tiltotkapusta. I cannot fit more cabbage in the pot.

• 25:27Tom Segura?

  Which means? That so many people were running into the issue

• 25:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 25:34Tom Segura?

  Of I can't fit any more goddamn cabbage in here. And I'd like to express this in a word.

• 25:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  In one word.

• 25:41Tom Segura?

  That everybody was like, here's a word. Here's a word that expresses that sentiment. This is a uniquely, but universal concept to all of us. So how about me got to put that down. And then it's like, yeah, I get it. Your fucking cabbage is out of control.

• 25:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meg capo stash talanit ha.

• 26:03Speaker 08

  Meg capo stash talanit hototlanit toturatok.

• 26:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's one word.

• 26:08Tom Segura?

  I got so much cabbage.

• 26:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I got too much cabbage.

• 26:10Tom Segura?

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• 26:50Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 26:51Tom Segura?

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• 27:36Tom Segura?

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• 27:38Tom Segura?

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• 28:17Tom Segura?

  Use code Y M H at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more, or visit cigars international dot com slash Y M H and the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply. And they opted for this versus saying, I have too much like, yeah, it's such a

• 28:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Too much cap.

• 28:35Tom Segura?

  But it's such a familiar sentiment that they were to go, well, why say the whole sentence? You could just say the word and everybody goes out.

• 28:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is enough of an issue in Hungarian culture. And I asked my tutor, I'm like, would my parents know this word? And she's like, yeah, of course. Like, what are you stupid? This is, people know this word, dummy. They'll put it together pretty fucking quick. And I'm like, I can't even, I can't even make cap. But you know, it's a real peasant word, too. Of course, I'm a peasant dummy. You don't know this by now.

• 29:06Tom Segura?

  This is such a peasants word. Like, I bet if you, if you ran this by your parents, they would be like, oh, yeah. But they'd be like, yeah, they're fucking villagers. You say this shit when they're making their fucking stuffed garbage.

• 29:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right. That's the thing, too. There's a real distinction in Hungarian culture about villager.

• 29:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Versus like city folk.

• 29:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  And even my tutor says that.

• 29:27Tom Segura?

  Cause your stepmom was a kind of a villager.

• 29:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  She was a villager. She.

• 29:30Tom Segura?

  You should be like, oh, this was always.

• 29:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you want to know the name of our town, which was even sounds like a, like a villager? It's called the porost. You say porost. It means like a farmer. It's like a slang word for villager.

• 29:40Tom Segura?

  Is it kind of have a negative connotation?

• 29:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Again, like a guy like gypsy and porost and it's a guy like their.

• 29:45Tom Segura?

  Oh, you are porost.

• 29:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Their porost is a villager. Yeah. So she was from a place called Shorokszag, which is like porost's central.

• 29:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're from Shorokszag?

• 29:55Tom Segura?

  You fucking villager.

• 29:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's not very nice. Yeah. Totes gypsies. So.

• 30:03Tom Segura?

  Did you ever call her a gypsy?

• 30:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nah, are you kidding me? Oh my god. I, one time, one Christmas Eve, my dad-

• 30:08Tom Segura?

  I actually got coming and be like, "Are you a gypsy?" And just seeing her be like, "What?"

• 30:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  One time, my dad on Christmas Eve came down in like a shiny 90's shirt.

• 30:16Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I was about 14 years old. And I go, "Oh my god, you look like a gigolo." And that was not good.

• 30:23Tom Segura?

  That wasn't good?

• 30:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I had to run, and I hid in my room, and I was not allowed to come down until the next day. Christmas Eve, I lost out on because I call my dad a gigolo. And I think it's because it was a little close to the bone, as Annie is listening and laughing right now. Because it's too close to the bone. He knew it. He knew, I fucking knew what was up with him.

• 30:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah. But you called him a gigolo.

• 30:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  They called him, "You look like a gigolo."

• 30:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I probably just learned what that word meant.

• 30:49Tom Segura?

  But if you had called him a gypsy-

• 30:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Even worse. Backhand, straight to the mouth.

• 30:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:54Speaker 09

  It's, it's crazy that I, I literally have a story like that. Same, I mean, basically the same, I'm just gonna tell the same story, but I had the same thing. I called my dad a playa. We, we were both drunk. And I called him a playa. He let me drink, I was like 16.

• 31:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 31:07Speaker 09

  And I was like, I was like, "Yeah, cuz you a playa, huh?" And he's just like, "What, what'd you call me?" I was like, "A, a playa, like playa, like you, you get game, you know?" He's just like, "I'm your father. You call me dad or father, that's it." I don't hear no playa, no dude, none of that. He got furious. And then I called him dude once, he got mad at that too.

• 31:26Tom Segura?

  My dad got mad at me for calling him dude once.

• 31:27Speaker 09

  Really?

• 31:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 31:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and the car was like, "Dude," he goes, "Cut the dude shit."

• 31:33Tom Segura?

  He's like, "I'm not fucking dude." And I was like, "Alright, okay."

• 31:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Our kids call me dude every day. I'm like, "Yep, that's right, bro."

• 31:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, bro. Wow, wow, that's wild.

• 31:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:44Speaker 09

  That's crazy that somebody else has that story. I definitely thought it was unique.

• 31:48Tom Segura?

  What's up, playboy?

• 31:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's up, playboy?

• 31:50Tom Segura?

  And he's like, "The fuck?"

• 31:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, because Annie and I on some level knew that, like, they're, you know, that's what they are.

• 31:55Tom Segura?

  Well, with your dad's, the, both of those things rang true.

• 31:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, so that's what they got upset.

• 32:00Tom Segura?

  Right, cuz he is a playa, and your dad is a gigolo.

• 32:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 32:02Speaker 09

  Yeah, and I thought it was a compliment.

• 32:03Tom Segura?

  Right, right, yeah.

• 32:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I did it. I knew. I was like, "You look like a fucking gigolo." Yo.

• 32:08Speaker 09

  Yeah, I wasn't trying to play games. I was like, you know, yeah, you get game, you know?

• 32:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 32:12Speaker 09

  The fuck did you just say? Oh shit, wait. It's a good thing. It's a good, you're a good, you're a player, dog.

• 32:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah, no, I'm father.

• 32:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I do think in Hungarian culture, calling somebody gypsy is like the worst thing.

• 32:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's.

• 32:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the lowest of.

• 32:27Tom Segura?

  And I'll always remember the first time I went to Budapest, I went to do a show. I'd never been, obviously, you're Hungarian. I, I know, you know, eight words over the years that you taught me. None of them are helpful. But I got up there on stage and there's like, I don't know, it's like a 300 person venue. Great to be in Budapest. Uh, only thing I don't like are the rohacigant. And they broke into huge applause for rotten gypsies.

• 33:00Tom Segura?

  And then I told my driver the same word and he goes, oh, he goes, be careful. They kill you for this.

• 33:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now they do. Cause when we were in Italy, I noticed too, cause I called them gypsies.

• 33:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then he's like, no, no, you can't say gypsy no more. You have to say Roma.

• 33:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I go, I'm sure the Romans love that.

• 33:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Roma.

• 33:18Tom Segura?

  Roma.

• 33:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking break. Anyway.

• 33:21Tom Segura?

  Anyway.

• 33:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Make up.

• 33:23Tom Segura?

  Another crazy thing that appeared in my algorithm the other day.

• 33:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh oh.

• 33:29Tom Segura?

  And I have the best algorithm on the interwebs. Like I have ruined other people's experiences and.

• 33:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 33:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, Andrew, Agent Jeans, he was just like, dude, everything's all fucked up.

• 33:45Tom Segura?

  Sickler told me, he was like, yeah, he's like, yeah, I don't have fun anymore on here. Everything you sent me changed my whole experience. But I'm just scrolling along and usually it's like chaos and destruction and, you know, accidents, workplace accidents, car accidents, gunfire, killings, all kinds of shit. And then I see some other things and I just scrolling along and I see this.

• 34:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  There he is.

• 34:16Tom Segura?

  That's in public.

• 34:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the one that got away.

• 34:22Tom Segura?

  The one that got away.

• 34:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why are you showing me? It's upsetting me because we've reached out to him so many, for a decade.

• 34:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's one of the greatest.

• 34:29Tom Segura?

  If you don't know, that's King Ass Ripper. And he was like, the OG, like, this cool guy is so cool that when we discovered him, I think both of us had different experiences where we had to pull over on the side of the road.

• 34:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 34:45Tom Segura?

  Like, we were both driving.

• 34:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, I remember this.

• 34:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I pulled over on the side of the road.

• 34:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 34:50Tom Segura?

  And I was like, who is this amazing man? And he even put out a couple of videos that he, because he would never respond. We tried every tactic

• 34:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everything.

• 34:58Tom Segura?

  to contact this guy. And one time, he put up a video and just wrote like, in the caption, it was like, "Shout out to your mom's house." That was it. That's all he would do. He acknowledged us.

• 35:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 35:10Tom Segura?

  But King Ass Ripper would, he would change accounts. So he would be on LiveLeak under one account, and then on YouTube, and then that account would go down. He'd open another one over here. Like, it was always hard to find him. We could never get a response. And then I just saw this, you know? But it's...

• 35:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  But also...

• 35:28Tom Segura?

  That's him.

• 35:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's Ass Ripper, yeah. Hold on, let me go sniff that one.

• 35:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sniff that one, yeah.

• 35:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, for those of you who don't know, do we have any old, old videos of Ass Ripper to show the audience? Because I know I want to take a walk down Ass Ripper Lane.

• 35:41Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 35:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  But we can't.

• 35:43Tom Segura?

  But he is really, look, dude, he has, this is other level. He was always at home. This is a public setting. He has set up his camera in a restaurant.

• 35:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  He never did that.

• 35:55Tom Segura?

  And he is...

• 35:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  He never did that.

• 35:56Tom Segura?

  He is stuffing himself. There's food all over his face and his body. It's insane.

• 36:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  So he would do it, remember, in his bedroom?

• 36:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  He would do it in his car?

• 36:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  And keep in mind, this guy started this 10 years ago.

• 36:11Tom Segura?

  At least.

• 36:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  So this is before OnlyFans. This is before you would see this stuff commonly.

• 36:16Tom Segura?

  And he'd wear his little tighty-whities?

• 36:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, and he'd...

• 36:19Tom Segura?

  And he'd look over his shoulder, "Oops." Yeah.

• 36:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then he'd finger the holes in his chonies and his dirty.

• 36:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  White underwear.

• 36:27Tom Segura?

  And they'd be very brown.

• 36:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Very brown.

• 36:29Tom Segura?

  He'd have crazy brown streaks.

• 36:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Remember the one in his kitchen?

• 36:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where he would like open a Tupperware, fart. And he'd be like, oh.

• 36:37Tom Segura?

  Then one time he set out all this food and he farted on all the food.

• 36:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 36:41Tom Segura?

  And then he ate it.

• 36:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  The food, yeah.

• 36:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  This guy was such a talent and I'm so.

• 36:46Tom Segura?

  Oh, and the belch.

• 36:47Speaker 10

  I'm gonna fart in some stockings.

• 36:49Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 36:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, the Christmas one, yeah. Yeah.

• 36:54Speaker 10

  One.

• 36:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  One of the greats.

• 37:00Speaker 10

  Two.

• 37:01Tom Segura?

  And to be able to do this, have a fart for each stocking.

• 37:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Three in a row. And this is, this is before people were editing things. Yeah.

• 37:08Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ, man.

• 37:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is in real time.

• 37:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is in real time. Yeah. How did he have three in the barrel?

• 37:14Tom Segura?

  I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah, that was fucking amazing. Yeah. Yeah.

• 37:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, he did edit. I'm sorry. That, there was an edit.

• 37:25Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do we have the one where he's.

• 37:27Tom Segura?

  He's also gained a hundred pounds. That's insane.

• 37:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I know that, but that he gained it while we were.

• 37:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  While he was still working.

• 37:35Tom Segura?

  Cause he, cause then he started to be a gainer.

• 37:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 37:38Tom Segura?

  Like he was like, here's all this food I'm eating.

• 37:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, he was.

• 37:41Speaker 10

  You do the math.

• 37:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  You do the math.

• 37:43Speaker 10

  A 500 calories and this has 800 calories.

• 37:48Tom Segura?

  And he listed all the calories and then he goes, you do the math. Yeah.

• 37:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I know.

• 37:54Speaker 10

  A large pizza.

• 37:57Speaker 10

  Not only that, a large pizza. And I'm gonna fucking drench it.

• 38:06Speaker 10

  You know, I always gotta drench my goddamn food in sausage gravy this time.

• 38:11Tom Segura?

  Jesus.

• 38:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 38:12Speaker 10

  Not mayonnaise, sausage gravy.

• 38:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's very innovative. Nobody's doing this.

• 38:17Speaker 10

  Two full cans of sausage gravy.

• 38:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  And cold.

• 38:20Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 38:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody was doing this.

• 38:22Speaker 10

  And then I got a third can of sausage gravy.

• 38:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Three cans.

• 38:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:26Speaker 10

  I'm gonna fucking smother my goddamn pizza and all the fucking sausage gravy.

• 38:33Tom Segura?

  The fact, Jesus.

• 38:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  That pizza looks so good. He's gonna ruin it with the gravy.

• 38:37Tom Segura?

  Well, I'm ruining it.

• 38:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I thought ranch maybe would be.

• 38:39Tom Segura?

  He's trying to get, he's trying to get calorically up there. Wow. See, the thing is, I can't believe.

• 38:45Speaker 10

  Sauce and gravy pizza.

• 38:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like it. I don't like the sauce and the gravy.

• 38:51Tom Segura?

  The thing is, I can't believe is that with our show.

• 38:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 38:55Tom Segura?

  And its reach and its audience, that not one person has ever been like, oh, I know this guy.

• 39:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, look, we haven't tried in about, how many years?

• 39:03Tom Segura?

  Years.

• 39:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  To get a hold of him.

• 39:04Tom Segura?

  Years.

• 39:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe we could try again. Does anybody know King Ass Ripper? Do you know who this is? Can you get a hold of him? Can you tell him to contact us? Get on Your Mom's House?

• 39:12Tom Segura?

  Do you remember what city he was in? I don't know why I felt like it was.

• 39:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was east coast.

• 39:14Tom Segura?

  Michigan or something. Was it, was it Detroit?

• 39:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, maybe Detroit.

• 39:19Speaker 06

  I think Romulus, Michigan.

• 39:21Tom Segura?

  Oh, shit.

• 39:22Speaker 06

  We just had it.

• 39:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Josh, that was good.

• 39:24Tom Segura?

  Somebody's gotta recognize him like on a personal level. Somebody does.

• 39:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they're like, that's fucking.

• 39:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's Jake.

• 39:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's Tim, yeah. Why is he, oh, he doesn't do that anymore. He's got a family. He works at the factory.

• 39:37Tom Segura?

  Can you imagine the woman that's like, oh, yeah, he used to.

• 39:41Tom Segura?

  He used to do this stuff.

• 39:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is when I met him.

• 39:44Tom Segura?

  The King has stated that he lives in, oh, Michigan. He's 35, born September 14th. I would imagine he doesn't want his name out there because it's not hard to find someone's address or phone. That's fine. Found all this shit and never once thought about exposing him. Obviously, other people don't think the same. I do want to know what his motive is, though. Why is he purposely gaining? How the hell does he shake the whole house when he farts?

• 40:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, we, we had our speculation that it's for sex work.

• 40:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and I'm, by the way, just to be clear, I'm not trying to learn his name or, or, you know. Yeah, I don't, I'm not trying to do that to him. I just wanted to be like, you know. I want to talk to him.

• 40:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  We want him to work again. I, I want him in my life again. I miss you. We miss you, King Ass Ripper.

• 40:28Tom Segura?

  Someone's saying, I want to pay for his dirty underwear. Yeah.

• 40:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I would. We just miss you, buddy. We miss your work. You haven't made a new video in so long. Where are you? Are you okay?

• 40:37Tom Segura?

  Rip ass again.

• 40:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody does it like this guy. Nobody did it like King Ass Ripper.

• 40:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, I, I do, amongst the cool guys, there are men with just raw talent. Robert Paul Champagne has that spirit.

• 40:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:55Tom Segura?

  Do you have his fart montage? Like one of his? King Ass Ripper fart montage?

• 41:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's his name, the old guy? You know, in such a way, that guy's got that, that spark too.

• 41:07Tom Segura?

  He does have a spark to him, yeah.

• 41:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  10 to 12 Benadryl guy, he's got a spark. King Ass Ripper was unlike any other cool guy.

• 41:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he really is, he kind of, um, laid the foundation for finding people like this.

• 41:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of cour- he was one of our first children.

• 41:24Tom Segura?

  And it just made me crazy that we couldn't talk to him.

• 41:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  And we offered him money, we offered him everything.

• 41:30Tom Segura?

  He did it for the love of the game.

• 41:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Purely.

• 41:32Tom Segura?

  That's, you gotta respect it. Maybe we won't get ahold of him, but I still respect it. He's really talented.

• 41:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  It kind of makes me sad.

• 41:39Tom Segura?

  I like that he's a gainer though. He's gotta be over three bills now. He was probably like 180.

• 41:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  But why stop doing it? He was already successful, we were on board, we... Why, there's so many mysteries to him. Why did he stop? Why did he not want fame? Why did he not want to get bigger than he was? Cause he kept doing the videos after we reached out. It's not like he didn't want to do what he was doing.

• 42:01Tom Segura?

  He was still doing it, I know.

• 42:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alright, I gotta go piss real quick.

• 42:03Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 42:09Tom Segura?

  So.

• 42:11Tom Segura?

  Look at this.

• 42:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 42:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who doesn't do that?

• 42:16Tom Segura?

  Listen to that fart, bro.

• 42:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's all, I'm so used to it.

• 42:24Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's what that's from? I didn't realize it's from the dog.

• 42:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I didn't know?

• 42:28Tom Segura?

  Oh wow.

• 42:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tom, I feel like you and I are revisiting an old flame.

• 42:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't you feel like?

• 42:33Tom Segura?

  I know, you're, you're like, he was such a good boyfriend.

• 42:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, why did we, why did we ever not?

• 42:38Tom Segura?

  I know, and then sometimes you go, oh, the thing is, there was good qualities to him, but...

• 42:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he got so fat.

• 42:49Speaker 10

  Milkshakes, Big Macs, triple cheeseburgers, McNuggets, fries, fish filet sandwiches.

• 42:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ooh, I love a fish filet.

• 43:00Tom Segura?

  Wow, he became like a serious gainer.

• 43:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  He did, he got into this lane.

• 43:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 43:11Tom Segura?

  Can I tell you, I think he's an authentic gainer?

• 43:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:14Tom Segura?

  I don't think it's even for monetary things at all. I don't know if anybody was... We would have found how he was monetizing it.

• 43:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, Tom.

• 43:19Tom Segura?

  What?

• 43:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  But, but don't you, isn't this for fetish? Don't you need a...

• 43:24Tom Segura?

  No, what I'm saying is, he's doing it for fetish, but just for the, the dopamine drip of the fetish.

• 43:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I see.

• 43:33Tom Segura?

  Most people do this, and especially if they're public, there's a monetary component.

• 43:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I see what you're saying, Tom.

• 43:38Tom Segura?

  I don't think there's any monetary component to this.

• 43:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think you're right, because he shunned it. He didn't want it with us.

• 43:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, if he was after money, he would have been like, oh, this is a platform that'll, like, give you more exposure. I'll make more money. I think he really just gets off on this.

• 43:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's why.

• 43:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think you're right.

• 43:55Tom Segura?

  He was absolutely stuffing himself. Also, something else to point out...

• 44:02Tom Segura?

  Is that he always, he had, always had a roof over his head and a car.

• 44:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  He did.

• 44:07Tom Segura?

  So he was employed.

• 44:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 44:08Tom Segura?

  He's employed.

• 44:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 44:10Tom Segura?

  This guy was showing up to work somewhere.

• 44:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right, and that's probably why he didn't want the exposure back then, as he was like...

• 44:16Tom Segura?

  Which is crazy, because someone from work was like, hey, man, I saw your fucking, your fart stuff.

• 44:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  But that's, maybe that's why he stopped making the videos. Maybe he wanted to be a regular guy. I don't know, but it's a talent wasted if that's the case.

• 44:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ay, ay, ay. I miss him so much.

• 44:33Tom Segura?

  Your clock's not running.

• 44:36Tom Segura?

  Bam. So, um...

• 44:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Come back to us, King Asher.

• 44:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah. King Asher for comeback. Any? I got...

• 44:46Speaker 09

  What?

• 44:47Tom Segura?

  What's with the attitude?

• 44:49Speaker 09

  What do you want, man? This is so stupid. I shouldn't have said shit. God damn it.

• 44:55Tom Segura?

  Any just hits the exact, like, the perfect mark of the black guy stereotype, where they don't like gay stuff. So sometimes when I find gay shit on Instagram, I send it to him.

• 45:07Speaker 09

  It's fucking crazy, dude. You have gay niggas on your feed, on your feed. Like, they're coming to you. The algorithm's like, this nigga likes gay niggas. And you're just like, yup, send, like, what the fuck?

• 45:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like how upset he's getting.

• 45:22Speaker 01

  I sent him this and he got upset.

• 45:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see.

• 45:25Speaker 01

  Morning, baby.

• 45:28Tom Segura?

  They're just, any, they're just, they're not doing anything crazy.

• 45:31Speaker 09

  I ain't even watching shit.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  Say good morning asshole.

• 45:38Speaker 01

  This is what I do for a daily basis.

• 45:40Speaker 09

  Thank god.

• 45:41Speaker 01

  When I'm not in trouble.

• 45:43Speaker 09

  You're never in trouble.

• 45:48Speaker 09

  Any?

• 45:48Speaker 01

  I gotta go folks.

• 45:50Tom Segura?

  Hey.

• 45:50Speaker 01

  Say good morning.

• 45:51Tom Segura?

  Any. Any.

• 45:53Speaker 09

  What?

• 45:53Tom Segura?

  There's just guys just saying good morning.

• 45:55Speaker 01

  Morning baby.

• 45:57Speaker 09

  This is stupid, man. This is fucking, this is dumb.

• 46:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  We gotta show them what gay stuff.

• 46:03Tom Segura?

  That, that was upsetting?

• 46:06Speaker 09

  What? I don't, I don't wanna see it, you know, like, hey, do, do your thing, but it's like you said, it's just like you don't wanna see the fucking Scooby Doo, bop, bop, boody bop, you know, you don't wanna see that dumb shit.

• 46:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:16Speaker 09

  Right? I just don't wanna see this dumb shit, so like, keep that shit at home.

• 46:19Tom Segura?

  But they're just saying good morning, like, hey, good morning.

• 46:21Speaker 09

  Say good morning fucking to yourself, it's, keep it inside, I don't need that shit. I don't need it in my life.

• 46:28Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 46:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 46:29Speaker 09

  Alright.

• 46:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Black people being homophobic is my favorite.

• 46:31Speaker 09

  It is pretty awesome.

• 46:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love them.

• 46:33Speaker 09

  Blacks are, hey, hold on, if you're like, if you're like, man, this was, this is really hard, they're like, yo, pause, man. Pause, dog. What's, what are you, what you trying to say? You're like, fucking, are we, are we in fifth grade? Like, hold up, man. Shit was mad suspect, the way you said the shit was hard.

• 46:54Speaker 09

  Sorry, yeah.

• 46:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I also love how black comics are openly homophobic.

• 46:59Tom Segura?

  A hundred percent.

• 47:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it's so accepted, and it's fine, like, that's, that's what they're, fine.

• 47:03Tom Segura?

  Culturally, they're like, nah, I don't fuck with no gay shit.

• 47:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  They say it all the time, I love it.

• 47:07Tom Segura?

  I know, and white comics live in a world, straight white male comics dance constantly on the line of gay, like gay joke, you know? Acting gay, hey, how about we suck each other's dick after, like, and then black guys are always like, say what?

• 47:25Tom Segura?

  Like, never engaging in it.

• 47:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, there's like entire premises about things like, that's some gay shit. We don't do no gay shit.

• 47:35Tom Segura?

  Fuck with no gay shit, man. You're like, got it.

• 47:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I got it.

• 47:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, I respect it. Can I, may I please, please, to hear that, Matt Pries bring up, we have a dental update in the Your Moms House world, but I would like to start doing vision updates.

• 47:51Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 47:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, as you can see, I'm again, wearing these glasses. I haven't worn these in years. I just allow myself to see things blur, blurly because I don't want to fucking wear them.

• 48:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 48:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Turns out, radiation kills your vision. I didn't know that. I didn't know when they were rating my body.

• 48:10Tom Segura?

  Are you just trying to one up me now on, on fucking indizoline?

• 48:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, I, I have, my, my reading is gone to shit, my readers, and now I have to wear these fucking gay distance dad glasses. Now like with you, I gotta wear these all the time.

• 48:26Tom Segura?

  My eyes are just done.

• 48:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cooked. Have you had your, you haven't done your annual, your pap smear yet?

• 48:33Tom Segura?

  I haven't had my pap smear yet this year, but every time I've gone for the last four years, they're like, oh yeah, you need a higher prescription now.

• 48:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Every year it's gonna happen.

• 48:42Tom Segura?

  Your eyes are gayer this year than they were last year. I'm like, okay.

• 48:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's, that's what my doctor said. She's like, you're getting gayer and lesbianicker every year.

• 48:50Tom Segura?

  Every year.

• 48:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Also, good news, because of radiation, I now have the beginnings of cataracts. Cataracts. I have cataracts now.

• 48:58Tom Segura?

  Maybe you can have a cool cataract surgery.

• 48:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  She said, yeah, not now, like in 20 years, I'll definitely need that.

• 49:03Tom Segura?

  That's cool.

• 49:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I've got a bunch of new looks coming for you guys. You're gonna see me wearing different spectacles because you know, why not?

• 49:11Tom Segura?

  Well, that also reminds me that I have a different cool update.

• 49:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  This one, I have to say, out does cancer.

• 49:20Tom Segura?

  You, and you.

• 49:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  I never to do anything this awful.

• 49:22Tom Segura?

  You also didn't let me talk about it in the pre-production meeting. You're like, no, save it, save it for the show.

• 49:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  For the floor. They need to hear it.

• 49:29Tom Segura?

  So.

• 49:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, I need to simmer.

• 49:32Tom Segura?

  For the longest time, um, I guess I've had pretty inconsistent GI.

• 49:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fifteen, 20 years at least that I've known you.

• 49:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we're like, what I'm saying is, okay, I have to, I have to preface it like this. I have to preface it like this. When I was more reckless with my health, eating like an asshole every day, part of what comes with that is shitting like a maniac too, right? But you kind of don't really, you know, you can't really go, I don't know what's going on because you're eating like an asshole. Like if you're having like, you know, french fries and, and fried foods and like deep fried this and high sugar and high fat. You know, your guts are going to be a mess. So I was just like, oh, diarrhea is a way of life, right? That's just what happens. Like I eat crazy and then I explode.

• 50:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the price you pay for fun.

• 50:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And then like, of course I would have normal bowel movements too, but it was always all over the map.

• 50:30Tom Segura?

  So a few years back, I started taking better care of myself, eating healthier, you know, a lot more lean foods, cutting out sugar, cutting out dairy, things like this. And my bowels did improve, but I still have this thing where I'm like, you know, I'll go to dinner with you or I'll go on the road and I have dinner with like four or five of the guys I, I tour with and we'll have the same thing. And then I go, oh, I had a crazy shit this morning. How about you guys? Everyone's like, no, normal. Or, you know, like we have the same food. I'm like, oh, that really fucked me up. And you're like, I'm fine. So at a certain point, you're like, I feel crazy not at least trying to figure out.

• 51:13Tom Segura?

  I should say that four and a half years ago, I had this thought and I got a colonoscopy. And I was excited for them to tell me, oh, here's what it is.

• 51:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, sure.

• 51:28Tom Segura?

  I have the colonoscopy. I get the results. I'm like, all the, I get the call from the doctor. He's like, yeah, your colonoscopy is pretty normal. And I go, what do you mean?

• 51:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta do it again.

• 51:36Tom Segura?

  He's like, you have a slight like irritation, but like in the normal range of irrita, like minimal. You don't have anything, you don't have polyps. You don't have like something where we see, oh, this is your issue. So then I'm like, okay. And you just kind of keep like my, he's like, yeah, your, your GI tract is normal. Keep going, keep going. And then this year, it's like, again, I feel crazy. And then you get one, so I'm like, well, this is a perfect time to like, have this conversation again. Yes, you have the colonoscopy again, or for your first time, and I talk to your doctor. And I'm like, I just don't, I feel like something is wrong, but I just don't understand what it is. It's like so inconsistent.

• 52:18Tom Segura?

  So she's great, and she's like, alright, she goes, she calls me and she goes, we're gonna figure this out. Like, I lay out in detail, everything that I can. Here's what I'm eating, here's what happens, and there's, and like, I even gave the example, I could be eating, like, very, very clean, right? Like, very clean. Like, some fruit here, and chicken breast, and a sweet potato, and then, you know, like, good, healthy food. And I could have a disaster. And then, three days later, I might be like, oh, fuck it, I'm gonna have a cheeseburger, and I have a healthy bowel. Like, nothing makes sense to me.

• 52:54Speaker 02

  Doesn't make any sense.

• 52:56Tom Segura?

  So she's like, well, to figure this out, we're gonna run some tests. So she's like, I need you to go give blood, so I gave blood. And then, she goes, now I need you to go pick up your stool kit. So I go to the doctor, and I pick up a bucket that I have to shit into. And then, she gave me 12 vials that have scoopers. And I have to, I have to pick up shit with the scooper, and put it into each vial. Eight of the vials, eight of the vials are room temperature.

• 53:36Tom Segura?

  Two of them I have to put in the fridge, and two I have to put into the freezer. So I have to freeze shit, keep some shit cool, and I have other shit room temp. And I have to then take all that, and deliver it to a lab, and go, this was frozen, this was refrigerated, this I kept on the counter. And I have to drop off 12 vials of shit. And the bucket, by the way, it's a plastic, like, flimsy thing. And she goes, oh, please make sure you don't return the bucket. We don't want it after you've shit in it. Cause some people bring it back.

• 54:14Tom Segura?

  I was like, I go, I was never gonna bring it back. She was like, oh, I just have to let you know. So I picked it up. And she's like, you might not have enough shit to fill up the 12 vials.

• 54:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, you will.

• 54:27Tom Segura?

  But like, just do it over. And I'm like gagging as she's, I'm like. And then I, uh, I go, can I borrow some gloves? Can I take a couple of gloves with me? And she's like, oh yeah, that's a good idea.

• 54:39Tom Segura?

  So anyway, she goes, you might do it multiple times, like shit a cut, like one day shit and you fill these up. And the next day you shit and you fill it up.

• 54:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  How big are these vials?

• 54:47Tom Segura?

  I mean, they're just like, you know, like bigger than a blood vial.

• 54:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, is it like this?

• 54:52Tom Segura?

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 54:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've got tons of shit. You could fill a blood vial.

• 54:55Tom Segura?

  I know, but then here's the other part of me. I don't wanna scoop up.

• 54:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't.

• 54:59Tom Segura?

  A slop shit. I'm like telling myself, cause you can kind of feel it. You're like, oh, this is gonna be a bad one. So I'm like trying to gauge when a good shit's coming and then I'm gonna shit into that bucket.

• 55:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yo, I gotta tell you something.

• 55:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'd rather have my tits cut off and do radiation than do.

• 55:14Tom Segura?

  Than shit the bucket.

• 55:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wouldn't, no, I don't even mind shitting in the bucket. It's the fact that you.

• 55:19Tom Segura?

  Have to scoop it out?

• 55:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Scoop it and then put it into 12 containers and then hold, it's not enough. Then you have to freeze some, refrigerate some, and then walk it to the lab?

• 55:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, hold on.

• 55:31Tom Segura?

  The only thing that.

• 55:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no service that can, that just takes the shit and separates it for you?

• 55:36Tom Segura?

  No. What pisses me off is the idea that I will do all this and then they go, everything's fine.

• 55:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everything's fine. Well, also, who's his first doctor that was like, you're all clean, see you later, and then gave up?

• 55:48Tom Segura?

  It was a GI at like Cedars in LA. Like he was just like, you're fine.

• 55:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's why I don't think Cedars is necessarily the best. Austin, I've had better healthcare. I mean, cause they actually have the time to give a shit about you out here.

• 55:59Tom Segura?

  I don't know. This guy.

• 56:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, I don't know. They have to figure this out with you. I can't imagine.

• 56:04Tom Segura?

  I mean, that's what we're doing. We're just trying to figure out what's going on in my butthole.

• 56:09Speaker 02

  Yo, I'm just getting out the shower and I realize it's a sore next to my butthole. Have y'all got sores in your butthole? I don't know if it's because when I take a shower, I wipe inside my butthole. Or if I'm rubbing the tissue too hard or whatever.

• 56:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's a hemorrhage.

• 56:25Speaker 02

  That shit sores here when I get in the shower. I spread my cheeks and let the water just hit that motherfucker and it just say, ah.

• 56:39Tom Segura?

  I don't have sores, though.

• 56:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're not sores, but if you're, she's rubbing them and she, maybe she's wiping too hard and they're bleeding or.

• 56:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  They shouldn't be sores. They should just be like skin.

• 56:50Tom Segura?

  Who knows? Who knows what's going on there? I hope your butthole feels better, man.

• 56:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why are you freezing it?

• 56:54Tom Segura?

  I don't know, and I didn't ask, and I don't wanna know. I just wanna drop off the shit.

• 56:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which fridge and freezer do you think you'll be using? Not the family's food.

• 57:04Tom Segura?

  Oh, no, I'll be putting it in our other fridges.

• 57:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, but I, babe.

• 57:08Tom Segura?

  No, I'm putting it in the kitchen fridge.

• 57:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God, you can't.

• 57:12Tom Segura?

  I, I will, and I can.

• 57:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then where are you gonna lay out your other live?

• 57:16Tom Segura?

  On your counter.

• 57:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God, I'm gonna puke. You better hide that.

• 57:20Tom Segura?

  Do you wanna be there for it?

• 57:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would, this is, this one is, well, I asked you, I was like, do you need help? Like, are you gonna, first of all, you've never shit into a bucket before. So it might be, that, that's the first challenge is how you know you can even shit into a bucket successfully?

• 57:35Tom Segura?

  I wanna fucking throw up just thinking about this.

• 57:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's horrible.

• 57:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is terrible. There's gotta be a better way that they're not telling you.

• 57:41Tom Segura?

  Will you guys come help me?

• 57:44Speaker 06

  We can document it. We can film the whole thing.

• 57:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is what I was thinking.

• 57:48Speaker 06

  This is great content.

• 57:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is great.

• 57:49Tom Segura?

  Any, what would you rather watch? Two gay guys saying good morning in bed or me scooping my shit into vials?

• 57:57Speaker 09

  Fifty thousand is the answer. We're gonna get there sooner or later. That's the answer.

• 58:01Tom Segura?

  No, which, which one is worse?

• 58:02Speaker 09

  No, you have to choose. I don't wanna choose one.

• 58:04Tom Segura?

  You can't even pick which one is worse?

• 58:06Speaker 09

  I don't wanna choose one, man. I don't wanna either of these things. Wait a minute, you're asking me if would I do it, like scoop it?

• 58:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 58:12Tom Segura?

  I said, which is wor- which is worse for you to watch?

• 58:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gay stuff or?

• 58:17Tom Segura?

  Gay stuff or me scooping my shit into a vial?

• 58:19Speaker 09

  What am I, what am I watching? You scoop it?

• 58:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:22Speaker 09

  And you put it in a vial?

• 58:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:23Speaker 09

  I ain't shit. That's fine.

• 58:25Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 58:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't watch you do that, your own shit. What kind of spoon are they giving you? Is it like a regular spoon? There's That's so gay. There's got to be a better way that we're not thinking of. There's no way that everybody's doing this.

• 58:41Tom Segura?

  That's how you do it.

• 58:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is disgusting.

• 58:43Tom Segura?

  No, so you have, so the top of the vial.

• 58:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 58:46Tom Segura?

  The thing that you screw off has a little shovel.

• 58:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, the scooper, yeah.

• 58:49Tom Segura?

  So you scoop this shit and you put it in there.

• 58:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  How much cock?

• 58:52Tom Segura?

  That's the other fucking thing is they're like, don't put too much shit and don't put too little shit. Put the perfect amount of shit in here and you're like, okay.

• 58:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what would that be?

• 59:01Speaker 09

  There's gotta be lines or something on it, right?

• 59:03Tom Segura?

  Tanner says he'll watch me shit.

• 59:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tanner will watch anything ever.

• 59:07Tom Segura?

  That's cool.

• 59:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  But will Tanner scoop the shit? For me, it's not, the scooping of the shit is what troubles me.

• 59:13Tom Segura?

  Oh my god. I don't want anyone else to do it, honestly.

• 59:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 59:17Tom Segura?

  I don't want anyone else to do it.

• 59:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 59:19Speaker 09

  I'd pay Fiverr to do it.

• 59:21Tom Segura?

  You'd pay?

• 59:21Speaker 09

  Like, I would pay like, like get a Fiverr guy, I would do that.

• 59:25Tom Segura?

  You wouldn't do it yourself?

• 59:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like a Postmates.

• 59:27Tom Segura?

  But if the doctor was like, if the doctor's like, we need you to do this, you'd be like, I'm not doing it?

• 59:31Speaker 09

  I mean, no, I'm saying I'll do it, but like someone else gonna do it.

• 59:34Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 59:34Speaker 09

  I'll hire like on Fiverr or some shit.

• 59:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm saying. I wouldn't do it.

• 59:38Tom Segura?

  That'd be a long talk with the Fiverr. He'd be like, wait, what? You're like, so I'll shit into this bucket?

• 59:44Speaker 09

  Yeah. What's the matter, man? You don't like money?

• 59:47Tom Segura?

  You don't have to come. I'm telling you, all you need to do.

• 59:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got, when are you gonna do this? Like as soon as possible, right? How long are you keeping this in my fridge? That's the real question.

• 59:59Tom Segura?

  I don't know, a week?

• 1:00:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:00:01Tom Segura?

  No, just like overnight, overnight.

• 1:00:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just to see what bacteria grows, probably.

• 1:00:06Tom Segura?

  Just what's in there. Obviously running a lot of tests if they're having me shit this much, yeah.

• 1:00:11Speaker 09

  What about like the, like the fecal like matter, particles and shit like getting in your fridge? They don't tell you, they don't do nothing about that?

• 1:00:18Tom Segura?

  Well, you put, you put the, you put the, you seal the, the vial and then the vial goes into a bag.

• 1:00:24Speaker 09

  And that's vacuum sealed?

• 1:00:26Tom Segura?

  It's not vacuum sealed.

• 1:00:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not enough to prevent shit flex from going everywhere in my food. It's disgusting. You can't put it where like my kids eat their hot dogs and shit.

• 1:00:36Tom Segura?

  I am now excited at the idea of, of people seeing the shit in the fridge. This is what motivates me.

• 1:00:46Tom Segura?

  Okay. Here you go.

• 1:00:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  They think it's bacterial. That's why they're culturing your caca.

• 1:00:53Tom Segura?

  I guess.

• 1:00:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, if it's not physiological, if there's no stuff.

• 1:00:57Tom Segura?

  I know, then maybe I have, maybe I have something in me. Parasite or something, I don't know.

• 1:01:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  That'd be awesome. You know how much weight you lose with a parasite? So lucky. Do you know women give themselves parasites to lose weight?

• 1:01:07Tom Segura?

  That's cool.

• 1:01:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like it's a thing.

• 1:01:09Tom Segura?

  Okay, here we go. Any?

• 1:01:13Tom Segura?

  What up? This is also for you.

• 1:01:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Any watching gay shit?

• 1:01:15Tom Segura?

  No, it's not gay shit. It's not gay. It's your inner thoughts. Oh.

• 1:01:19Speaker 11

  I promise you, I promise you, bro, bro. What they gonna write on my tombstone? Every bitch, every hoe, every thot, every shawty that I fuck with dated all my, I got six kids, my four baby mamas. You can interview all of them, the ass, ask any of them. My wife, they'll tell you, nobody is harder on a bitch than me.

• 1:01:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 1:01:41Speaker 11

  Nobody give less than a fuck about a bitch than me.

• 1:01:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:44Speaker 11

  Nobody gonna get in that purse money over, over bitches than me. Purse before pussy.

• 1:01:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:51Speaker 11

  Cash first, ass last.

• 1:01:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:54Speaker 11

  Nobody, that's what they gonna write on my tombstone. Nobody was harder on a bitch than him.

• 1:02:00Tom Segura?

  That's a cool thing on a tombstone.

• 1:02:02Speaker 11

  On everybody, so.

• 1:02:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Any, how many brothers and sisters do you have?

• 1:02:05Tom Segura?

  Zero.

• 1:02:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  That we know of?

• 1:02:07Speaker 11

  Nobody is harder on a bitch than me.

• 1:02:11Tom Segura?

  That is the coolest tombstone thing, though.

• 1:02:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody's harder on a bitch than me.

• 1:02:15Tom Segura?

  For that to be on your tombstone? That would be amazing.

• 1:02:19Speaker 09

  I've changed my tone on this dude, too. I was saying that maybe he don't get bitches like that, but nah, actually, you can't be that confident saying this shit. If you don't get some bitches. But now, you know what I think it is, is that he gets young bitches. They're too young.

• 1:02:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dummies, yeah.

• 1:02:31Speaker 09

  Yeah, they're stupid.

• 1:02:33Speaker 11

  Purse before pussy.

• 1:02:35Tom Segura?

  He talks about his wife sometimes.

• 1:02:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then other baby mamas, too. He's got a lot.

• 1:02:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And I bet they all agree. Nobody harder than a bitch than him.

• 1:02:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I bet they do, yeah. Especially it's time to make these cool videos about it.

• 1:02:48Speaker 11

  Today, I'm gonna call as many of my chicks as I can. And just play games with them, just just kind of make them miserable a little bit and shit like promise them shit I'm gonna do for them and don't do it. You know, just lie and shit, just. See, you gotta, see, women like to play games, you gotta stay in their head, man. You gotta disappoint them sometime, let them down.

• 1:03:17Speaker 11

  You know, you gotta you gotta be toxic a little bit sometime, you be like, man, look, just grab them on their side or something, be like, you getting fat and bro. Bro, what's up? You getting a little flabby, they be all, they'll be playing it off like it ain't shit. And then when you turn your back, they go in the bathroom, close the door, be in the mirror, turn around, looking like, what the fuck? Damn, what the?

• 1:03:44Tom Segura?

  He really has a good time with this, though.

• 1:03:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he's pleased with himself.

• 1:03:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know that, so. I, I've seen my dad pull that, actually. Yeah, he did it a few times on, uh, women.

• 1:03:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  You getting, getting, but he wouldn't do it like that where he'd joke with them. He'd be like, I don't like this, okay, you're too fat, it's not exciting for me. Like, he was just straight up.

• 1:04:06Tom Segura?

  Straight up tell them.

• 1:04:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm not attracted to you, you're too fat.

• 1:04:09Tom Segura?

  Whoa.

• 1:04:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, which is even meaner.

• 1:04:11Tom Segura?

  And then they go.

• 1:04:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, and then they get on diets.

• 1:04:15Speaker 11

  You gotta disappoint them sometime.

• 1:04:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, I just thought my dad disappointed all of us unconsciously, I didn't realize it was like.

• 1:04:24Tom Segura?

  It's a tactic.

• 1:04:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Premeditated.

• 1:04:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you think, Annie? Did you, do you think your dad like? Didn't show up on purpose to fuck with you?

• 1:04:31Speaker 09

  Absolutely, absolutely. I told you in the beginning, that's what, that's why this dude's like, bitches don't understand, like, they don't respect me or appreciate shit. It's like, because you set the standard that like, if I answer the phone, that's a gift to you.

• 1:04:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a big deal.

• 1:04:45Speaker 09

  That's like, that's a huge, yeah, I don't usually do that for you, right?

• 1:04:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  God damn.

• 1:04:49Speaker 09

  I'm being so nice to you right now. Yeah, it's a definite tactic.

• 1:04:52Tom Segura?

  Usually you don't hear somebody go, be toxic. Like, most people who are toxic are kind of unaware of their ways being, like, the awareness is pretty cool.

• 1:05:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do feel like he's even a level above.

• 1:05:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  This game.

• 1:05:07Tom Segura?

  He's putting out, he's, this is a tutorial.

• 1:05:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he's brilliant.

• 1:05:10Tom Segura?

  This is pretty cool.

• 1:05:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a savant.

• 1:05:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a toxic savant.

• 1:05:12Tom Segura?

  I gotta say, kudos to you, sir.

• 1:05:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. This is, this is, this is rare.

• 1:05:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That a guy is, he's a very bright guy, actually.

• 1:05:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's a smart guy.

• 1:05:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Put this shit out.

• 1:05:22Speaker 09

  Also, it'd be cool, I don't know, maybe we could like, stop calling it my inner thoughts, cuz I don't, I don't like this. So, you know, that'd be cool, I don't like being associated with this.

• 1:05:29Tom Segura?

  Okay, okay, alright, sorry. We'll start calling it, uh, your Christina's dad's inner thoughts.

• 1:05:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. We do need a new segment, just called showing any gay shit.

• 1:05:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cuz I do like how upset we get. Josh, could you start pulling some homosexual, black homosexual clips to show Annie?

• 1:05:46Tom Segura?

  Witches gay in general.

• 1:05:47Speaker 09

  We've been, we've been homies for a long time, man. Long time.

• 1:05:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, that's why I love torturing.

• 1:05:52Tom Segura?

  Here's some, uh, horrible or hilarious for you, Christina.

• 1:05:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:05:55Tom Segura?

  Here we go.

• 1:05:58Tom Segura?

  Uh-oh. I already know this is gonna end with violence. This is gonna end with violence.

• 1:06:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:06:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  What, what even happened? What is that? Cheese block?

• 1:06:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't understand what I saw.

• 1:06:19Tom Segura?

  He, uh, he was celebrating, he got, oh, he got a candle. That was a candle that got stuck in his head. Cuz he did it with so much force and so directly.

• 1:06:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, well, I don't hear anybody LOLing.

• 1:06:30Tom Segura?

  No one was LOLing at that one.

• 1:06:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, we can go on, next.

• 1:06:34Tom Segura?

  Oh, the donkey rally. Oh.

• 1:06:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I hate horses, tiny horses, donkeys of all kind. You can go fuck themselves. Good, that's what you get.

• 1:06:44Tom Segura?

  I think it would've been a lot better if they had face planted.

• 1:06:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  True.

• 1:06:48Tom Segura?

  They actually turned, they did the thing you're supposed to do, but it would've been nice to see a, a.

• 1:06:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're supposed to turn when you get thrown off a bro.

• 1:06:55Tom Segura?

  Well, like, otherwise it would've been a direct face plant.

• 1:06:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure, I didn't know that that was standard protocol, that's what they tell you to do, and so. I like this already. Oh, shit.

• 1:07:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, she broke her leg. You see it?

• 1:07:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:07:13Tom Segura?

  This leg closest to you?

• 1:07:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's okay.

• 1:07:15Tom Segura?

  Is broken.

• 1:07:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool.

• 1:07:16Tom Segura?

  Look.

• 1:07:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's okay.

• 1:07:17Tom Segura?

  See, it's underneath her?

• 1:07:24Tom Segura?

  Oh, that was bad.

• 1:07:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okie dokie. No thanks.

• 1:07:34Tom Segura?

  Ah.

• 1:07:36Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:07:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  World of Warcraft wrestling, what is this?

• 1:07:39Tom Segura?

  Ooh.

• 1:07:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:07:42Tom Segura?

  She had to be taken out in a stretcher, yeah.

• 1:07:45Tom Segura?

  That was pretty cool. You didn't like that one?

• 1:07:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I thought it was gonna be some fat stuff. And I always like fat people doing stuff, but...

• 1:07:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate these guys on bikes, skateboards, I don't like.

• 1:07:58Tom Segura?

  Oh, just... Oh!

• 1:08:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know why that went wrong, cuz that's theoretically how they all do it. We got stuck.

• 1:08:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he, um, uh...

• 1:08:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like this. Shit, man.

• 1:08:19Tom Segura?

  Oh, I see what happened. See, he, um, when he goes down here, okay? Then he tries to overcompensate by dipping his bo... See how low he goes?

• 1:08:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:32Tom Segura?

  So he gets off the back of the bike, and then the momentum, when he comes forward, launches him forward.

• 1:08:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, that's not good.

• 1:08:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And then he landed, looks like, straight onto his head.

• 1:08:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool.

• 1:08:45Tom Segura?

  That could've ended pretty poorly. Uh, no serious injuries. That's cool.

• 1:08:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:08:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm done. Well, nobody LOL'd there?

• 1:08:54Tom Segura?

  No, there wasn't a lot of laughs there.

• 1:08:57Tom Segura?

  Okay. Let's do something to make you laugh.

• 1:08:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:00Speaker 12

  Somebody tell me how they say this in Japanese, or Chinese, or Vietnamese, or the other knees. This shit say bitch nigga.

• 1:09:11Speaker 12

  Don't it. Tell me it don't say bitch nigga. Tell me!

• 1:09:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  It does.

• 1:09:17Tom Segura?

  Hair and skincare, yeah.

• 1:09:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  It does say that.

• 1:09:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's amazing.

• 1:09:20Tom Segura?

  Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

• 1:09:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's amazing.

• 1:09:23Speaker 12

  This shit say bitch nigga.

• 1:09:26Tom Segura?

  It kinda.

• 1:09:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  It does.

• 1:09:27Tom Segura?

  How would you say I have an appointment there?

• 1:09:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god. How do they answer the phone? Can we find it? Can we call them?

• 1:09:33Tom Segura?

  How do you?

• 1:09:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's got, it's got to exist. Let's call and see how they answer.

• 1:09:40Tom Segura?

  I don't know. That's a good idea.

• 1:09:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Let's look it up. Here. Josh can find it in like two seconds. Let's call.

• 1:09:46Tom Segura?

  What's this place? Hair and skincare.

• 1:09:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it's real. It's Houston.

• 1:09:52Tom Segura?

  Houston.

• 1:09:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, let's call it.

• 1:09:54Tom Segura?

  Dude, they're open.

• 1:09:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Call it right now, dude. It's o- no, it's closed. Opens 10 a.m.

• 1:10:00Tom Segura?

  Can you call them?

• 1:10:02Tom Segura?

  So if they don't say their name when they answer?

• 1:10:06Tom Segura?

  Josh, if they don't say, be like, what, what is this? Where am I calling?

• 1:10:10Speaker 06

  Okay, let's see if they, uh, let's see if they pick up with being closed.

• 1:10:14Tom Segura?

  Okay. Oh, they're, they're not closed, are they?

• 1:10:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it says hours.

• 1:10:17Speaker 06

  It says closed today. Yeah, they're just closed today.

• 1:10:21Tom Segura?

  Oh, they're, oh, let's see what the voicemail says.

• 1:10:25Speaker 06

  Here, I can just try it on my phone.

• 1:10:26Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:10:29Tom Segura?

  That's exciting.

• 1:10:32Tom Segura?

  In a cash only setting. That's a real foreign vibes.

• 1:10:37Tom Segura?

  No card. No.

• 1:10:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, foreigners don't do cards, dude.

• 1:10:41Tom Segura?

  Here we go.

• 1:10:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn. Yeah, they're just ring and ring and ring, right?

• 1:10:46Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:10:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  They don't give a fuck, dude. These places do not give a fuck. Oh, well, let's try again next time. Yeah, how to pronounce?

• 1:10:57Speaker 13

  Uh, as a Vietnamese person who understands the language, I can assure you that there's no malicious intent behind the name. But yeah, now are there others out there who use some sort of a play on words to come up with a quirky name for their business? Yeah, for example, fucking. The intent is pretty clear behind that one, but, but yeah, could literally be somebody's given name. Like, it could be the name of the owner, who knows? And this is exactly what I mean when I say that people would rather go by an anglicized name than go by their given name, because people would make fun of it, just like, you know, people in the comments. Ha ha, your name sounds like, and reading some of the comments is making me realize how there are so many people who have this Eurocentric mindset about how to read words.

• 1:11:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  You mean English, Eurocentric?

• 1:11:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  You mean we're in America and we read things in English? Yeah.

• 1:11:44Tom Segura?

  So it's actually Bic Nha?

• 1:11:46Speaker 13

  Bic Nha.

• 1:11:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  All right.

• 1:11:47Tom Segura?

  But he knows, he knows nobody here is gonna go, oh, that's Bic Nha.

• 1:11:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course. Nobody.

• 1:11:53Tom Segura?

  No one's saying that.

• 1:11:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody's.

• 1:11:56Tom Segura?

  And nyah means beautiful girl or good. Biknyah.

• 1:11:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Biknyah.

• 1:12:00Tom Segura?

  Is, is there a gem? Okay.

• 1:12:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you go.

• 1:12:04Tom Segura?

  It's a name with a positive connotation. But let me tell you how shit it works in Houston, my man. Biknyah is on nobody's mind in Houston, Texas.

• 1:12:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, how blessed.

• 1:12:13Tom Segura?

  Oh, it's everywhere. Those are a bunch of different places called Biknyah.

• 1:12:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's rad.

• 1:12:18Tom Segura?

  Hey, man, meet me at Biknyah later today. He's like your Eurocentric mind. What do you mean, dude?

• 1:12:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, there's fuck it tie.

• 1:12:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  P H U K E T.

• 1:12:27Tom Segura?

  You know what we think when we see, see that shit, bro?

• 1:12:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course, brew.

• 1:12:31Tom Segura?

  That ain't no mystery. You know that people are not going to be like, oh, that's probably Biknyah.

• 1:12:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, nobody. But then there are the fun ones where like, they don't have an English speaking friend to help them name their business. So there'll be like, total relax.

• 1:12:43Tom Segura?

  So relax.

• 1:12:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  So relax.

• 1:12:44Tom Segura?

  So relax, Masai.

• 1:12:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Total relax and so relaxed.

• 1:12:48Tom Segura?

  You wanna be so relaxed? You come get Masai here? So relaxed.

• 1:12:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  So relaxed. Total relaxed. So relaxed. But then I think I saw so relaxed too. There was another so relaxed.

• 1:13:03Tom Segura?

  I'm gonna go to so relaxed. You know, he's wind down after work. It is so relaxed.

• 1:13:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  So relaxed.

• 1:13:11Tom Segura?

  Okay. All right. It's fun. It's been a real one. Please watch next week.

• 1:13:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:20Tom Segura?

  Bad Thoughts on Netflix. I'm on tour as well. Tour, I'm Segura dot com slash tour. I have a bunch of dates that I've added for the fall. Cause the spring stuff's about to wrap up and we're going to be in Dayton and Akron, Daytona Beach, West Palm, Clearwater, Fort Myers, Allentown, Poughkeepsie, Mashantucket, Newark, Brooklyn, Westbury, Hanover, Gary, Indiana, Fort Wayne, Bloomington, Amarillo, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs.

• 1:13:51Tom Segura?

  Green Bay, Pasadena, Vegas, baby. Long Beach, Freon Tacoma, Oakland, Huntsville, Birmingham, and Columbia will be the last show of the year and of the tour.

• 1:14:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, can I plug a date, please?

• 1:14:05Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 1:14:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now that I'm returned to stand up, I'm only doing stuff in Austin. I'll be at May 15th, 7:30 at Comedy Mothership in the Little Boy. If you'd like to see me work out a new hour of stuff.

• 1:14:16Tom Segura?

  That's awesome.

• 1:14:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:18Tom Segura?

  And?

• 1:14:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  By my lipshits, guys, so many of you did for Mother's Day. Thank you so very much. I hope you're happy with your purchase. Get the perfect four now at ChristinaP.com.

• 1:14:27Tom Segura?

  There you go. There you go.

• 1:14:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  So relaxed.

• 1:14:32Tom Segura?

  So relaxed.

• 1:14:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, come.

• 1:14:37Tom Segura?

  All right. So.

• 1:14:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  God.

• 1:14:39Tom Segura?

  That's it for this show.

• 1:14:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was terrible. Don't do that again. You got any kind of those balls?

• 1:14:49Tom Segura?

  And shout out to the King, man. It was great seeing you again. We hope you continue to get bigger and post about it. All right. Lots of love. We'll see you guys next week.

• 1:15:07Speaker 14

  Start my day with the big ass fucking breakfast Feeling great, diamonds on the crevice of my necklace Ta ta fuckface, how'd you get this profession? Fresh as Tony John, stripping to bring the bread in You can call me Unc Shy, girl I'ma make you cry Gotta take an Uber baby, I got a DUI Gone off these edibles and dancing like Charo Chilling with Zarface, this shit is bizarro Get in the car, we hard fucking core Don't do it in the park, say it a bunch more You're getting the dog in trouble, you dick Wonder if you TikToked?

• 1:15:36Speaker 15

  Well...

• 1:15:36Speaker 14

  It's true bitch!

• 1:15:37Speaker 15

  Keeping it clean, please watch your profanity Master of accents, nobody understanding me Got DJ Dadmouth on the ones and twos We the Four Stroke Gang, act like you knew

• 1:15:47Speaker 14

  Tom like it's new, you gotta dump that bitch So Ashley and Tucker, we actually that rich? Never been the time, my cards been declined Better clean up behind whenever I walk by

• 1:15:58Speaker 15

  Ah, let's meet up, say 8:00, 8:15? A recovering lawyer? With an MBA and a dream, nah I'm saying nah. Me, they had a job in my life, got scares great cuz I was caught stealing bikes. Got a 2001 Chevrolet Suburban. For the last time, Burt is not a racist person. Still smells like shit and fucks a schnauzer. Drinks a liter of Kool-Aid once an hour. We wanna have fun, like hardcore fun? Hey, Darn Man fans, we hope you like this one. It's about Kiman, 9 inches and plus. And how Tommy Bunz got the best tour bus. It's summertime and isn't it great? Got the Louisiana hot sauce, yeah we give thanks. Nicknamed Snake ever since I was a kid. Crazy off the marijuana and the whiskey I would sip. Yeah, you're smart but sorry, all sales are final.

• 1:16:41Speaker 15

  The Sissyafre Mo Street, he all smiles. $23.95 with the written food. Right now, right now, right now, because I'm in the mood. Just a couple cool guys, you can go and play the riff. Break your body once a year, that's the key to staying fit. Oh, it's gonna be good, you better believe that. Check the mommy's weekly, put that on my jeans tag. Fuck, you guys are doing good, is that Charlie? They took away the fart mic, but they're not sorry. On that day early, ad-free type lifestyle. Eat your mom's house, kick back and stay awhile.

• 1:17:27Speaker 14

  Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change, your receipt did. The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5. Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

• 1:17:39Tom Segura?

  Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing.