Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808

Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour Don't miss Tom Segura's new sketch comedy series "Bad Thoughts" premiering on Netflix May 13th! SPONSORS: Learn more about Lightstrike at https://Drinklightstrike.com or follow on TikTok and Instagram @‌drinklightstrike. You can find Cremo’s new line of antiperspirants and deodorants at Target or https://Target.com Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/momshouse Get 20% off your first order of Liquid I. V. when you go to http://LIQUIDIV. COM and use code YMH at checkout. Hey Jeans! This week on Your Mom’s House, Tom and Christina are back from Fantasy Island and the Mommies kick things off with a classic opening clip that'll have you saying, "What?!"They catch up on Tony Johns’ latest adventures — including his Vegas sex scene and current courtroom drama — plus a surprise call from RPC where he seems down to drop everything and join the Vegas fun! Next, Tom drops the trailer for his brand-new Netflix show and debuts it for the all the Mommies first. Tim and Kirsten also weigh in on Mick Jagger’s wedding, Keanu’s appropriately aged girlfriend, Gwyneth Paltrow’s face situation, and why taking care of yourself before you're too old is the move. They next go down a TikTok rabbit hole which includes bad haircuts, buffets, secret menu items, portal jumping, Little Debbie honey buns, and fat-shaming in Thailand. All this, plus some music dreams, rougey cocktails, underage drinking nostalgia, lipstick plugs, and a whole lot of gay corn jokes. Pull those jeans up! Your Mom’s House Ep. 808 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:54 - Fantasy Island 00:09:49 - Opening Clip: WHAT?! 00:14:50 - Tony Johns + RPC Collab? 00:29:33 - YMH Exclusive: Bad Thoughts Full Trailer Premiere 00:35:46 - Lipstick Plug & Greased Up 00:37:55 - Mick Jagger Got Married 00:42:19 - Taking Care Of Yourself 00:48:22 - Clip: Ms. Pat Asks Trick Daddy About Diddy 00:49:32 - Clip: Black Light Daddy Pop Star 00:53:25 - Adult Beverages 01:01:47 - Christina's Curations 01:15:09 - Closing Song - "Any C*m In Those Balls" by TPK Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Segura?

  What's everybody? My Come Together Tour is coming to the Vibrant Arena in Moline, Illinois on May 8th, Bristol, Virginia, at the Hard Rock on May 10th, and then Springfield, Massachusetts, at the Mass Mutual Center on May 22nd. Get tickets now at tomscrew.com/tour.

• 0:28Tom Segura?

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• 1:13Tom Segura?

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• 2:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That song, that song ever made.

• 2:38Tom Segura?

  Really cool.

• 2:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wish we could have played that at our wedding, but it wasn't made yet.

• 2:43Tom Segura?

  It wasn't made yet. Jeans in my.

• 2:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 2:44Tom Segura?

  It would have been a hit.

• 2:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jeans in my.

• 2:47Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 2:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Even the title on that was a banger.

• 2:50Tom Segura?

  Uh, it's, it's really exciting, man.

• 2:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jeans in my.

• 2:52Tom Segura?

  Oh. Mm-hmm. I remember the clip too. I remember the clip that she was bound and her head was through one of those things and her, her arms and legs were bound also.

• 3:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  That old timey torture in the middle of the town square.

• 3:05Tom Segura?

  And then a super.

• 3:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is it called, you guys? You know, the stocks.

• 3:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And then a cool guy came up behind her and.

• 3:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gave it to.

• 3:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  They love that. Why are you guys laughing so hard?

• 3:15Tom Segura?

  He was fucking awesome. He took her to town and then she did the, uh, the post scene interview and she was like, it was awesome.

• 3:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sexy. Oh, sexy.

• 3:23Tom Segura?

  Sexy.

• 3:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  It can't be that comfortable to be in the stock. But this seems like such a.

• 3:26Tom Segura?

  She didn't look comfortable.

• 3:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, this seems like a very common fantasy though.

• 3:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  This one makes, it's like intuitive. Not the standing one, obviously, but you know.

• 3:35Tom Segura?

  No, yeah, somebody just.

• 3:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:37Tom Segura?

  That can't fight back, you mean?

• 3:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel like they probably did have just open on people.

• 3:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  In the stocks, right? I'm sure. I don't ever read about it.

• 3:48Tom Segura?

  I think back in that day, there was a lot of things that went down that there wasn't repercussions for.

• 3:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you some? So I'm into watching Fantasy Island, that old show from the eighties with Mr. Rourke and Tattoo the Little Midget.

• 4:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sorry, little person. And it is so funny because people's fantasies are so lame. Like this one couple shows up to Fantasy Island and they want to live.

• 4:13Tom Segura?

  You're watching this bullshit?

• 4:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Love it. I watch it while I'm on the treadmill.

• 4:16Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 4:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  My mom and I used to watch this bullshit every Saturday night in the eighties. Did you watch this with your mom? You never watched this shit when you were a kid?

• 4:23Tom Segura?

  Not this.

• 4:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that, see, this is when three years between us makes a difference.

• 4:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  But anyway. Mom and I, Saturday night, Fantasy Island. The point of story is, there's a couple that comes to the island.

• 4:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they're like, Mr. Rourke, our fantasy is to live in a more moral time. Where they don't want to live in the depravity that was 1982. And Mr. Rourke gives them a like a warning like, "You may not enjoy it so much as you think. It might be a little, you know, different than you expect." So they're back to puritanical times. They create a village. It's so expensive to go to Fantasy Island. First of all, I don't know how these people are affording it because they, it's a whole thing.

• 5:02Tom Segura?

  This little fucker was a real rascal, you know that, right?

• 5:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on.

• 5:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you the point?

• 5:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  So they go back to puritanical times and they're putting people in the stocks and punishing them. And then they decide they don't want.

• 5:13Tom Segura?

  They don't want that, yeah.

• 5:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Puritans anymore.

• 5:15Tom Segura?

  That, that era is.

• 5:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause life sucks.

• 5:17Tom Segura?

  Molto gay, yes.

• 5:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  It fucking sucks.

• 5:20Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  And like you just people and just take away.

• 5:23Tom Segura?

  Got it. You've said it a few times.

• 5:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on. There's a, there's a priest in the town and he, this girl got married when she was 13. And then her husband died at 15 and she's 15 and he wants to bang her and like, it's so awful.

• 5:35Tom Segura?

  Okay. Yeah, yeah, but these guys were, these two were both knuckleheads, you know that, right?

• 5:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel like Ricardo Montalban could not not get laid. Cause he's so smooth and so handsome, but tattoo.

• 5:50Tom Segura?

  The little guy was a fiery little fucker.

• 5:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you don't know that.

• 5:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's a lot.

• 5:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Herve Villaches?

• 5:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drinking guns, yeah, he was, he was a little shit, yeah.

• 5:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, the LPs kind of do that, the ones in showbiz?

• 6:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, yeah, they party, they can party.

• 6:05Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm. We just had one here.

• 6:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  We did, Brad, but Brad's not a big part, you know why they can't really.

• 6:10Tom Segura?

  He was a big party guy.

• 6:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  But they can't because their bodies can't really.

• 6:14Tom Segura?

  They still party, dude.

• 6:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Drink alcohols and stuff.

• 6:16Tom Segura?

  He used to party pretty hard.

• 6:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, so did Chewie, bravo.

• 6:19Tom Segura?

  But this guy, I think he had a mean streak, this guy.

• 6:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Seriously?

• 6:22Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 6:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you find any, is like footage of him yelling at people? Any Herve Villaches stories?

• 6:28Tom Segura?

  Herve Villaches?

• 6:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's funny that they both chose Latin people to star in Fantasy Island.

• 6:34Tom Segura?

  Look at him. You can tell he's fucking whacked out of his mind in that picture. Yeah.

• 6:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can't understand a lot of what tattoo says. No.

• 6:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 6:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  He can't understand what he says. I have to subtitle it because I can't understand what he's saying most of the time.

• 6:51Tom Segura?

  The sad tragic ending of Hervé right there.

• 6:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh no.

• 6:54Tom Segura?

  He couldn't overcome his addiction to women.

• 6:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hilarious.

• 6:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he was a little fucker.

• 6:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, a little fucker.

• 7:00Tom Segura?

  Three foot ten too. Imagine that little shit sticking fingers up your ass. He's behind you, he's like.

• 7:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would you guys stop laughing? You're encouraging him. Don't encourage him.

• 7:09Tom Segura?

  It's true.

• 7:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he had to, can we listen to him speak?

• 7:15Tom Segura?

  He's like.

• 7:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it wasn't good. And between him and Montalban, I don't know how America.

• 7:20Tom Segura?

  I want pussy now.

• 7:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 7:22Tom Segura?

  A tattoo.

• 7:25Speaker 02

  Good morning, David.

• 7:26Speaker 03

  Good morning, David. Like most of his fans, I first met Hervé Villaché on the screen.

• 7:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Villaché.

• 7:30Speaker 03

  In films like The One and Only and as Tattoo in Fantasy Island. When I came to meet him, I became acquainted with his hangouts like this café in Venice, California, his many talents and hobbies and his special.

• 7:42Tom Segura?

  He's trying to fuck her for sure.

• 7:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Huh?

• 7:45Tom Segura?

  He's trying to fuck this lady.

• 7:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is he saying?

• 7:50Speaker 03

  And how'd you turn to acting? How'd that happen?

• 7:52Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:52Speaker 02

  Um, I just answered an ad in a Village Voice as a newspaper in New York.

• 7:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  And they wanted somebody small to be in the play, so I went.

• 8:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's sweet though.

• 8:02Speaker 03

  Are the rest of your family all normal size?

• 8:04Speaker 02

  What do you call normal size? To me, I don't know. Yeah, they're all regular size. And I was the only kid to be small in the family. And my father used to be a doctor.

• 8:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dogtail?

• 8:16Speaker 02

  Surgeon.

• 8:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 8:17Tom Segura?

  Dogtail.

• 8:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, it's too nice.

• 8:19Speaker 02

  You know, it didn't make any difference to him or to my mother. They just treated me like everybody.

• 8:23Speaker 03

  Hervé, what don't the rest of us understand about life for a man your size? What's different for you?

• 8:28Speaker 02

  Um, I just don't like pity, but it's nothing different. What's different is the attitude of people toward me.

• 8:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love it.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  They're the one who reminds me that I'm small.

• 8:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love it.

• 8:38Speaker 02

  By the way they act with me.

• 8:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  You know, in the streets.

• 8:41Tom Segura?

  And I'm at a face level with your pussy. I see it like one.

• 8:45Speaker 02

  I have people who come to me.

• 8:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a lover.

• 8:47Speaker 02

  I don't know them and they say, they ask me personal questions like my sex life, how you do it, how you do this. Well, that's not their business because even if you were

• 8:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  A regular size, they will not ask a question like that.

• 8:58Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 8:59Speaker 03

  I know that you've recently got a divorce.

• 9:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Divorce?

• 9:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Market. I'm ready to fuck again. Yeah. But don't you like how people were just so direct in 1978? She's like, I don't let people ask me about my sex life. My sex life. Fuck you. After I come, I say voila.

• 9:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was, but I mean, look, he made the eighties. Her Vegas shows was huge.

• 9:24Tom Segura?

  Uh, by the way.

• 9:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ricardo.

• 9:25Tom Segura?

  Uh, I just want to tell people, real soon here, the Two Bears 5K is coming up. Uh, it's gonna be May 4th in Tampa, Florida. Uh, twobearers5k.com has all the information. I'll be there. Uh, all 285 pounds of Burt will be there. Um, we have, uh, Jelly Rolls joining us. We have, um, some other celebs coming by.

• 9:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 9:47Tom Segura?

  Uh, some of the Bucks players, cheerleaders. Uh, thousands of people have signed up. If you have not, I think you can get everything that you need right there at the, uh, at the website, twobearers5k.com. You can run with us in person if you're gonna be in Tampa, or you can run virtually. And you can get your medal, your shirt, the whole thing, all the swag, baby. It's gonna be a fun-filled day, actually, if you're there. We'll be at Raymond James Stadium where the Bucks play. There's gonna be music, food, drinks, there's recovery centers. It's a fun day, so come on out, uh, May 4th in Tampa, Florida.

• 10:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys are gonna run 5,000 miles?

• 10:25Tom Segura?

  5,000 miles. Isn't that crazy?

• 10:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's fucking terrible.

• 10:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it only takes a fucking few days. It's fine.

• 10:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got my cool blood draw.

• 10:32Tom Segura?

  Oh, nice.

• 10:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you take it off now? It's only been like an hour.

• 10:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, well, let's, um.

• 10:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not gonna spur it out, is it?

• 10:36Tom Segura?

  Nah, you'll be good.

• 10:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see.

• 10:39Tom Segura?

  Uh, okey dokey.

• 10:42Tom Segura?

  Good job.

• 10:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  You good job. Good job, your mother.

• 10:45Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 10:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking looking at.

• 10:47Tom Segura?

  All right.

• 10:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. Okay. Let's start this show. Let's start the show. Uh-oh, I know he's gonna.

• 10:53Speaker 04

  You guys, get off your asses and back to work. Come on, man, we're taking a break. Fuck your break. There's 15 cars here that need to be serviced. Now get back to it. Listen here, fucker. The only thing that needs servicing around here is our cocks.

• 11:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:05Speaker 04

  So get on your knees and beg like a bitch. What?

• 11:12Speaker 04

  Don't bring anyone mothering to this. Your motherfucking dad!

• 11:15Speaker 05

  Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

• 11:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tom.

• 11:20Speaker 05

  With Tom Segura.

• 11:23Speaker 05

  Christina Pajin.

• 11:27Speaker 05

  Welcome to your mom's house.

• 11:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow now. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow now.

• 12:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tom, ready?

• 12:04Speaker 04

  What?

• 12:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  What? That was a very aggressive.

• 12:08Tom Segura?

  That was so good.

• 12:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 12:10Tom Segura?

  What happens next? I want to see the rest of the scene. Do we not have it?

• 12:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god, please. I can probably pull it up.

• 12:16Tom Segura?

  Bro, you gotta find this.

• 12:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 12:18Tom Segura?

  This is fantastic. This guy, the way he deli- first of all, the balls of this guy to talk to his boss like that is crazy.

• 12:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 12:24Tom Segura?

  But this guy nails this what.

• 12:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nails the what.

• 12:27Tom Segura?

  It's so good.

• 12:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Almost as though he doesn't know they're gay.

• 12:29Tom Segura?

  He's like, what?

• 12:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  What? Get on your knees and beg like a bitch.

• 12:34Speaker 04

  What?

• 12:38Tom Segura?

  You out of your fucking mind?

• 12:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  What? Tom, you do it. What does he say? What's the lead in line? Get on your knees and fucking beg.

• 12:44Tom Segura?

  Beg like a bitch.

• 12:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, right. You get on your knees and fucking beg like a bitch.

• 12:48Tom Segura?

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• 13:34Tom Segura?

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• 14:20Tom Segura?

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• 15:05Tom Segura?

  Once again, that's target.com or just Target or target.com.

• 15:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God, that was so good. You're such a good actor, dude.

• 15:14Tom Segura?

  Thank you.

• 15:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 15:15Tom Segura?

  Thanks very much.

• 15:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  What? Yeah, I have a feeling.

• 15:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  He gets on his knees and begs.

• 15:19Tom Segura?

  What?

• 15:22Tom Segura?

  The fact that he's gonna go from this level

• 15:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 15:25Tom Segura?

  of just an incredulous look to on his knees with dicks in his mouth.

• 15:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 15:29Tom Segura?

  I don't believe it.

• 15:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't buy it?

• 15:30Tom Segura?

  How's that gonna happen?

• 15:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, because it's so, he took it so high emotionally. And there's, he needs to bring it down.

• 15:36Tom Segura?

  Well, it's, it's great, but I wanna know, like, how quickly does he go from that response?

• 15:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 15:40Tom Segura?

  To participating?

• 15:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, and how, how do we see him change his mind?

• 15:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's the evolution?

• 15:45Tom Segura?

  That's like the scene work I wanna see.

• 15:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I agree.

• 15:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I agree. I agree.

• 15:49Tom Segura?

  It's really crazy.

• 15:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Speaking of scene work, you know, Tony Johns.

• 15:53Tom Segura?

  Oh, my god.

• 15:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's hap, it's hopping, he has two weeks to make it to Las Vegas.

• 15:58Tom Segura?

  Can he stay out of trouble for two weeks?

• 16:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what we're debating. So here's all he has to do in the next two weeks, because he has to get his tests, right? So, which means he can't have sex with anybody.

• 16:07Tom Segura?

  Well, he can, he's just gotta be safe.

• 16:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not gonna happen.

• 16:10Tom Segura?

  So he's gotta be safe, he's gotta not get arrested again. He probably should try to find housing.

• 16:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's the thing.

• 16:19Tom Segura?

  He's asking online for it.

• 16:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  But hold on.

• 16:21Tom Segura?

  Just let me crash?

• 16:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but the reason is, he goes to court today, isn't that right? Is Cougar there? Cougar knows his whole whereabouts and like, or Josh, who knows the, um, the court date and what's?

• 16:31Speaker 05

  Cougar's the one.

• 16:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cougar knows, yeah.

• 16:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah, what's going on with court right now?

• 16:37Speaker 05

  Uh, so he actually, he's in court as we speak.

• 16:40Tom Segura?

  Right now?

• 16:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:41Tom Segura?

  Oh, my god.

• 16:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  What if we call him and he answers?

• 16:45Tom Segura?

  He had the all-time best, the all-time best statement about, have you been paying your rent? He goes, I'm not a fucking walking ATM.

• 16:56Tom Segura?

  That's his reply to, are you paying rent? Am I a walking ATM? No.

• 17:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Does that, yeah.

• 17:01Tom Segura?

  So, the fact that, by the way, we love Tony Johns, the fact that he thinks this could go any way other than for the home, like, the landlords?

• 17:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  But here's the deal, man, you know, New York, it has those laws, like squatters' rights laws. It's a lot harder to evict people like in California and New York.

• 17:20Tom Segura?

  But they've gone through the process, though. Like, they, they went through the long process, because he's, he's shown the documentation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 17:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm thinking New York might give him, like, a 30-day grace period, which will get him to Vegas, at least. What, so what else, Cougar?

• 17:34Tom Segura?

  He's gotta pack his bags when he goes to Vegas. He should plan on, and then he's like, oh, but I love Auburn, like, what the fuck?

• 17:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you know why we figured out he loves Auburn? Is because he's kind of known as, like, the Village Knucklehead.

• 17:46Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 17:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know what I mean? Like, Cougar was telling me, tell him about the cops.

• 17:51Speaker 05

  Uh, oh yeah. Um, so according to him, um, usually whenever he gets arrested.

• 17:56Tom Segura?

  Usually, yeah.

• 17:58Speaker 05

  The cops are always excited to see them because apparently most of the cops in the Auburn PD are YMH fans.

• 18:03Tom Segura?

  Oh, cool.

• 18:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:04Tom Segura?

  Shout out to Auburn PD.

• 18:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, shout out. But I also think that, listen, I think that Tony Johns is a bit of a local menace, right? He's not necessarily.

• 18:14Tom Segura?

  A bit?

• 18:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's not a malicious guy, but he's a menace.

• 18:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I bet you the whole village knows that, oh, here he comes. He's gonna jerk off in the bathroom again.

• 18:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here comes Tony. So they, you know.

• 18:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I want him to get, I want him to just stay on the path.

• 18:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do too.

• 18:29Tom Segura?

  Let's just get him to Vegas, start his scene work, get him working.

• 18:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get to, don't get arrested.

• 18:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah. Now, the real question is, are we gonna be able to add, um, the, uh, uh, RPC to this scene? I really wanna know.

• 18:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is, this is the question everybody's been wondering.

• 18:49Tom Segura?

  Can we give him a call? Can we, can we call RPC? And see if, uh, if he's open to his, I know he's an actor. He's made it clear that he does work in this business.

• 19:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Also, keep in mind, we've tried calling him every week for the last three episodes.

• 19:05Tom Segura?

  But we only tried three of his six numbers. We should try them all. You don't wanna just call one per, like, one or three phone numbers for somebody.

• 19:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do these cool guys have multiple phone numbers?

• 19:14Tom Segura?

  How do they memorize them? They barely can spell their names.

• 19:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 19:17Tom Segura?

  And they're like, fucking just.

• 19:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  How can they afford, like, four lines?

• 19:20Tom Segura?

  I have no idea.

• 19:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have one phone number.

• 19:22Tom Segura?

  I have no idea. I don't even know the number. I don't know the numbers. I don't know our phone numbers.

• 19:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know our phone numbers either. No, I know mine. I don't know yours.

• 19:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. No idea.

• 19:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 19:34Tom Segura?

  Please leave your message. Well, yeah, what are you doing, man? Call the other numbers. Jesus.

• 19:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  What, are you dumb, Josh?

• 19:40Tom Segura?

  God, obviously. Call.

• 19:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stupid.

• 19:43Tom Segura?

  Call all the numbers.

• 19:46Tom Segura?

  True, literally. We have them in our phone as RPC one, RPC two, RPC three.

• 19:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm busy right now. I'm going to Cuddy Island. I gotta do my shows at Cuddy Island. I'm very busy right now.

• 20:01Tom Segura?

  Making a hat and doing some scenes.

• 20:05Tom Segura?

  Hello? Robert!

• 20:08Tom Segura?

  Speaking. Hey, Robert, it's Tom Segura and Christina P.

• 20:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hi, Robert!

• 20:12Tom Segura?

  Oh, how are you doing? Good. How are you, man? Just resting, that's all. Oh, resting, yeah. Gotta get your rest. Um, how have you been, man? I was trying to do some comedy, but I gotta work it out later on. It's something about, I can't speak. Um, a wife of the, well, how am I gonna explain to it? A wife that's gonna marry, that's gonna marry, uh, the president when he's dead. Yeah. Trust me. Yeah, I know what you mean. Okay. I call her Guina. Right. That's. Well, I was gonna say like that, but we'll get into that. Yeah, so you're working on that bit. That's fun. Um. Yeah. Hey, I got a, I got a question for you. What?

• 20:52Tom Segura?

  We, so we are producing, um, a doc and then working with some people for an adult scene. Um, that's shooting in Vegas. It's a big, it's big names, you know, Alexis Fox. Um, it's like the breakout role for Tony Johns. Would you be interested in being in a scene like that?

• 21:15Tom Segura?

  What kind of scene? It's, it's an adult scene, like a, like a porno. I would do it.

• 21:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes!

• 21:23Tom Segura?

  So, here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking, um.

• 21:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yes.

• 21:27Tom Segura?

  Right now, we're going the law enforcement angle, so, um.

• 21:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Creatively.

• 21:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, creatively, yeah, yeah. So she's gonna play, um, Officer Alexis and, um, and then Tony Johns is the, is the male who's been arrested. And we were thinking of, you could be like, basically Sergeant Cum Dump, who comes in and tells Officer Alexis that this, um, criminal needs to be strip searched and that you need, uh, DNA so that she's gotta like, get it out of him. You know what I mean? Oh, I get the point, yeah. You feel like you could do that?

• 22:11Tom Segura?

  Oh, I could, if I could pull a sketch of doing it. And well, we have good getting deported by the by the prisons, I could do that. Oh, yeah. So, um, how about getting to Vegas? Uh, would you be, uh, cool flying to Vegas? How could I get to the Hegas? Well, we would fly you there.

• 22:31Tom Segura?

  Okay, but here's a guy now, I have a cat, he won't do my cat. Oh, right, the cat. Um, that's a good question. I don't know. Um, is there somebody that could watch the cat? The only thing I could do with the cat, if I had, I could bring it to a shelter, they could hold it for a few days. Okay, I mean, that's up to you. I don't wanna, you know. I know, no, no. It's a shelter, but not, not they can't keep them, they could, but hold them for a few days. Okay.

• 22:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a good idea.

• 22:58Tom Segura?

  Um, when are we planning on shooting the scene, guys? April twenty fifth to twenty seven? Okay, so we would need you in Vegas, April twenty five to twenty seven. Um, we would fly you out and put, yeah. Cause I have, I have, I will have to go to the shelter and see if they can get them, get him, just, just to board him. I don't want them keeping him, you know? Right, right, just to board him, yeah. So. Black Persian cat, I cannot lose him, okay? Oh, of course. No, we love cats. Um, so we would fly you out there and then we would put you up and then we would, you know, you'd be participating in the scene and obviously you get paid for that and then you, uh, you would fly back.

• 23:40Tom Segura?

  Okay. Okay. Um, how do you feel about, uh, air travel? Like, are you pretty comfortable going to one of the airports to fly to Vegas?

• 23:52Tom Segura?

  Uh, I guess an little airplane flight, but as long as not, not near a window. Oh, yeah, we can get you an aisle seat. Sure. Okay, well, you know, I'm back with the cat, uh, the twenty fifth, I can put a little food. Because he eats it. I could put food in because I could leave my home second. So I don't have to have anybody take care of him. He could, he could take care of himself. Right. Big cat. Yeah. Yeah. If you leave some food out for a couple of days in the litter box and everything.

• 24:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's fine.

• 24:17Tom Segura?

  That should be. He's a big cat. I just worry about that. Okay. Man, this is super exciting. So it's twenty fifth to twenty seventh. Okay. Yeah. Okay. As long as I get back to get, let's get, like, get my old check because I got to pay the rent and everything. Oh, and the insurance and all that. Oh. Yeah, yeah.

• 24:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 24:35Tom Segura?

  Um, so, yeah, I mean, you know, this would be great. I mean, and you could bring out some, if you have some costume stuff for Officer Cum Dump. Um, if you want to bring that, that would be probably helpful. Well, probably like unless he has hat and his stuff like that, his hat and, um, how good, I used to have the uniform. Someone stole the uniform on me, believe it or not. Jesus Christ. Well, we can get you a new uniform.

• 24:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 24:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I had, I had Dre Queen installed it on me and I, I tried to get, to get a hold of her and she's, I know she stole the fucking uniform. Oh, Jesus Christ.

• 25:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking bitch. Hey, can I ask you, um, have you had any black guys come around lately?

• 25:11Tom Segura?

  I had one here, but I tried being nice to him and I was trying to help him out. And, uh, he drank a, well, expensive brandy.

• 25:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 25:20Tom Segura?

  Champagne and everything else. And just, and he was just a drunk and a drug addict. I said, get the fuck out. I just saved him out.

• 25:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 25:28Tom Segura?

  Oh, shit.

• 25:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you at least get to, you know, have sex with him before?

• 25:33Tom Segura?

  Oh, he was the bottom and he was the worst thing in the fucking world.

• 25:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, sorry.

• 25:38Tom Segura?

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• 26:20Tom Segura?

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• 27:05Tom Segura?

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• 27:49Tom Segura?

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• 28:10Speaker 05

  I got all the stuff that I got my black cat. Well, a black cat, I don't put it, the black cat's like the real, but he's a boss in the house. So I got my male cat, so I don't need him anymore. He's done with.

• 28:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay.

• 28:25Tom Segura?

  Well, this is super exciting, Robert.

• 28:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my gosh, Robert, this is amazing.

• 28:28Tom Segura?

  It's gonna be a huge scene.

• 28:30Speaker 05

  Oh, my God, I got it's cute. I put somebody in charge of my insurance, right?

• 28:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:36Speaker 05

  I have this girl's.

• 28:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  He handles insurance and I gotta get a good, I gotta insurance, I gotta find some dude to do the insurance policy. This girl can't do insurance for some reason.

• 28:45Tom Segura?

  God damn it, insurance is such a pain in the ass sometimes.

• 28:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. No, no, I tried to work with her, I tried some what to do and she's, well, I'll tell you because she's in Texas, but she's a good, she's a smart person, but the guy's disgusted by this. She don't know burial things, I was explaining to her, this is a long story.

• 29:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I get it. So, um, the guys will be in touch and we will book all the travel for you and then, yeah, this will be a super fun thing, man. Thank you so much for.

• 29:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Robert, which phone number is the best for Josh to reach out to you? Could you just like answer your phones and stuff? The one you's in now.

• 29:23Tom Segura?

  This one, okay.

• 29:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  The number.

• 29:25Tom Segura?

  Mark this one as the good number, guys.

• 29:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  So keep a lookout for the phone calls, okay, Robert? Okay, as long as it's in the morning like this, we're okay. Okay.

• 29:33Tom Segura?

  Okay, cool.

• 29:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  The twenty fifth, twenty seventh, okay.

• 29:36Tom Segura?

  All right, awesome, man. Can't wait. We'll talk to you soon.

• 29:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Be fucked a lot, man. Okay.

• 29:40Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 29:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bye, sweetie.

• 29:41Tom Segura?

  Bye bye.

• 29:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Try it out. He goes, as long as it's in the morning like this, it's like twelve thirty his time.

• 29:48Tom Segura?

  It's later than that, I believe.

• 29:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not the morning remotely. He's just resting.

• 29:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's one, it's one oh seven there.

• 29:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's resting. Did he always have a cat?

• 29:58Tom Segura?

  I don't think so. He's on, I've never heard him really talk about the cat before.

• 30:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Me neither. That was never a concern, but I'm happy.

• 30:03Tom Segura?

  From all boarding, like, I'm boarding the cat to like, it'll be fine here. I'm like, yeah.

• 30:08Tom Segura?

  Good.

• 30:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, this is very exciting.

• 30:11Tom Segura?

  This is very exciting.

• 30:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you ever in your wildest dreams imagine Tony John's with Robert Paul Champagne and Alexis Fox?

• 30:17Tom Segura?

  Dude, Officer Come Dump getting a real role. Yeah. It's really cool.

• 30:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is so good.

• 30:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe, we're making so many dreams come true.

• 30:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:29Tom Segura?

  So.

• 30:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 30:31Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 30:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't believe it.

• 30:34Tom Segura?

  Speaking of big news, we have a Y M A's exclusive. I should probably treat it with the respect that it deserves.

• 30:44Speaker 05

  Are your mom's house exclusive?

• 30:48Speaker 05

  You smelt it here first.

• 30:50Tom Segura?

  It's true. Netflix, the streaming platform, has, I have a new show coming out called Bad Thoughts. And it's going to come out on May 13th. So I hope you all will check it out. So far, the teaser has dropped, but now the full trailer is coming out. And the good people at Netflix have allowed us to debut the trailer first.

• 31:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 31:19Tom Segura?

  So we get to play it before anybody else. So we're gonna go full screen. We're gonna mute the mics and we're gonna let you watch the trailer. And then we will come back and we'll talk about it.

• 31:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Awesome.

• 31:32Tom Segura?

  So here you go. It is the world exclusive premiere of the new trailer for Bad Thoughts coming out May 13th on Netflix. And here.

• 31:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here you go.

• 31:44Tom Segura?

  You got 24 hours, Agent Six. Don't get yourself killed.

• 31:52Tom Segura?

  It's a job. I only have one rule.

• 31:56Tom Segura?

  No women. No children.

• 32:04Tom Segura?

  Oh my God.

• 32:12Tom Segura?

  I'm a global country superstar who's lost his mojo. So he decided to kidnap his fans, force them to live in a poor people town.

• 32:21Tom Segura?

  Make them share their deepest, darkest traumas so I could put it in the hit songs. My mother died in 9/11. Woo. I like that. Get this starving bitch a shrimp.

• 32:34Tom Segura?

  Large iced coffee and just a splash of whole milk. Next. Could you just remake this with less milk? Less milk?

• 32:45Tom Segura?

  I'm a professional barista. I know what a fucking splash is.

• 32:52Speaker 06

  Think of this as a conversation.

• 32:56Speaker 06

  To get to the truth. Welcome out to me, big boy. Want to get to the real stuff. He's clearly using that headset for virtual reality porn. I have severe carpal tunnel. Slick stuff. You're a terrible person. Raw stuff. Welcome to the party.

• 33:14Speaker 06

  There's no better feeling than killing the enemy.

• 33:18Speaker 06

  You know, we have to transfer schools, right? Yeah, of course.

• 33:27Speaker 06

  I am exhausted.

• 33:28Tom Segura?

  You killed three people. I know. Why don't you guys do it?

• 33:39Tom Segura?

  And there you go.

• 33:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's so good.

• 33:43Tom Segura?

  It's a good trailer.

• 33:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so good.

• 33:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we're stoked.

• 33:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe, this show is so fucking great.

• 33:48Tom Segura?

  It's really exciting.

• 33:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm so stoked. I've watched you go through the whole process.

• 33:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've spared no expense.

• 33:53Tom Segura?

  The writing to the whole production of it, and now we've been in post for months. And now it gets to come out, so we're super excited for it.

• 34:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  So good.

• 34:01Tom Segura?

  We'll have a premiere in a, well, the premiere is actually...

• 34:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Past May 6, right?

• 34:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's May 6, yeah.

• 34:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  So exciting.

• 34:08Tom Segura?

  It's coming up in like a few days.

• 34:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 34:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but so many people, you know, work so hard on it. I think that's the thing you realize too, when you actually get to do a project like this, is you're like, oh, man, this is truly a collaborative experience. Like, there's so many people involved, so many. And they all bust their ass. Everybody tries. That's the other thing, is you're like, man, even when a show comes out and like, because you don't know how a show's gonna be received, I don't know what, but you're like, man, people really try. They really try. Everyone tries their best to make the best thing possible.

• 34:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Definitely.

• 34:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, it also matters, the team that you've assembled. You really found some like-minded weirdos to work on this with you. Top to bottom, you could see Rob Eyler is in that.

• 34:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's a lot of stars, a lot of people.

• 34:55Tom Segura?

  Rob Eyler's in it, Kirk Fox is in it, Daniela Pineda's in it, Johnny Pemberton's in it.

• 35:03Tom Segura?

  I'm forgetting tons of people.

• 35:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tons of people.

• 35:05Tom Segura?

  Dan Stevens is in it.

• 35:08Tom Segura?

  Who else? Alan Rachel's in it.

• 35:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shay Wiggum.

• 35:14Tom Segura?

  Shay Wiggum's in it? Which is fucking unbelievable.

• 35:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, you got...

• 35:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we got so many fucking heavy hitters.

• 35:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so good. And you know what's great too is these thoughts, these awful thoughts have been marinating as long as I've known you.

• 35:28Tom Segura?

  You said that to me.

• 35:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it's so cool to see them now out there in the world. Like, there's so many jokes and so many ideas that are in there from 20 years.

• 35:39Tom Segura?

  Nuggets have been there so long. Yeah, that's true.

• 35:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's cool that you got to do them all. And it looks fucking amazing.

• 35:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I gotta give credit to Nico, our DP, was just unbelievable in it. And then the writers, Rami Hishash, Jeremy Connor, Zimman and Gerard, Connor Galvin,

• 35:57Tom Segura?

  were amazing. Greg Tukalescu also helped us. Yeah, it was like, it was a huge, huge collaborative effort. I got to direct a few of these, which was a huge win for me, something I always wanted to do. So I directed three of the stories. So we'll get into that more when the show comes out, but yeah.

• 36:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  And also some, you know, little YMH Easter eggs.

• 36:17Tom Segura?

  There's some Easter eggs in there.

• 36:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which is so fun that we got to, you got to put some...

• 36:21Tom Segura?

  I like that some people were like, "Oh, you have to be a YMH insider to get this?" Like, not at all. No, zero percent.

• 36:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it helps. It helps to have the same sensibility.

• 36:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 36:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sense of humor.

• 36:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but none of them are contingent upon understanding an inside joke.

• 36:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, no. But if you're a fan, you'll be happy to see some stuff in there.

• 36:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so.

• 36:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 36:42Tom Segura?

  Again, that's the full trailer. Show comes out May 13th. I hope you watch it. I hope you tell people to watch it. We couldn't be happier about it. Yeah.

• 36:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Awesome.

• 36:51Tom Segura?

  There you go. Oh, Tanner found the full gay auto mechanic scene.

• 36:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  But before that, can I just plug my lipsticks? Get it in time for Mother's Day.

• 36:58Tom Segura?

  It's a great thing to put on your lips before you blow a guy.

• 37:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep. ChristinaP.com. Get all four colors. Get the perfect four. Buy it now in time for Mother's Day. Get them right now, right now, right now.

• 37:08Tom Segura?

  Get them right now, right now, right now, right now.

• 37:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are we really gonna watch the full gay scene?

• 37:13Speaker 04

  What?

• 37:16Tom Segura?

  I just wanna see what happens. Like, what happens here?

• 37:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 37:19Tom Segura?

  Okay, awesome.

• 37:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a mystery.

• 37:21Tom Segura?

  It's called Greased Up.

• 37:24Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 37:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Greased it.

• 37:25Tom Segura?

  Where's it go from here?

• 37:26Speaker 04

  I know, we've been working on asses. You guys, get off your asses and back to work. Come on, man, we're taking a break.

• 37:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, resting.

• 37:33Speaker 04

  There's 15 cars here that need to be serviced. Now get back to it. Listen here, fucker. The only thing that needs servicing around here is our cops. So get on your knees and beg like a bitch. What? You're fucking. Fired? You can't fire us or Buck. Without us, this place would fold.

• 37:48Tom Segura?

  Ooh, that's a good comeback.

• 37:51Tom Segura?

  Right away?

• 37:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, so he forces him. That's how he gets him.

• 37:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, wow.

• 37:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because we were wondering how.

• 37:58Tom Segura?

  Oh, Jesus.

• 38:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  But Tom and I are wondering how he goes from what to sucking his.

• 38:04Tom Segura?

  It was pretty fast.

• 38:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  He forced his head down.

• 38:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was pretty quick.

• 38:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 38:09Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 38:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, that was so sudden. It was like, dude, they, I feel like we missed a few beats here.

• 38:14Tom Segura?

  Thanks, Tanner. Appreciate you doing the research. Yeah, I mean, he really just went from what? And then they pulled him down by his tie.

• 38:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  So it was involuntary. It looked like they were.

• 38:24Tom Segura?

  He doesn't want to be there. You can tell. He's like, I run a business. I'm trying to run this fucking mechanic shop.

• 38:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, now all three of them are banging and all of those cars.

• 38:31Tom Segura?

  And no, no cars are getting serviced now. So it actually, he was right. They really should get back to work.

• 38:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 38:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  So true.

• 38:40Tom Segura?

  It's really interesting.

• 38:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know about this mechanic shop.

• 38:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't know about taking my car here. I'd like, if you could find out the name of the place, I'd like to avoid it. Because they don't actually work. They're just all fucking.

• 38:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 38:50Tom Segura?

  Not cool.

• 38:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's, that's right. All these workplace orgies and stuff giving away.

• 38:56Tom Segura?

  It's pretty cool, man.

• 38:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is pretty cool.

• 38:58Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 38:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Speaking of cool.

• 39:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you seen our homeboy from the Rolling Stones? Mick Jagger got married.

• 39:07Tom Segura?

  Oh, nice.

• 39:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Check out his bride.

• 39:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, let's see her.

• 39:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you want to guess how old she is?

• 39:15Tom Segura?

  Seventy-two?

• 39:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, silly. He's eighty-one and she is thirty-seven.

• 39:21Tom Segura?

  That's cool. That works.

• 39:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right?

• 39:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Let's see.

• 39:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you have the cool guy riff we can play?

• 39:28Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 39:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. This is so cool. They look so happy together.

• 39:35Tom Segura?

  They do. He's, well, he's engaged to his longtime partner.

• 39:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  How long could it have been?

• 39:39Tom Segura?

  Melanie Hamrick.

• 39:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, how long?

• 39:41Tom Segura?

  He looks happy as shit there.

• 39:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he's always ha, he's fucking Mick Jagger.

• 39:44Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  But hey, good for him. At least he's marrying her and he can have kids. There's nothing worse than when a guy just uses up your best years and then spits you out.

• 39:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, he took her best fertile years, but then he's, he's gonna knock her up, right?

• 39:57Tom Segura?

  I would think so.

• 39:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's got to.

• 39:59Tom Segura?

  Has she had a kid?

• 40:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. Let's do some research.

• 40:01Tom Segura?

  Melanie Hamrick.

• 40:04Tom Segura?

  Let's see. Melanie Hamrick.

• 40:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe she has children.

• 40:12Tom Segura?

  Has one child named Deveraux.

• 40:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  With Mick Jagger.

• 40:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they welcomed him in 2016. Oh, that kid's almost 10.

• 40:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  So they, they, that is a long time partner.

• 40:20Tom Segura?

  And that's Jagger's eighth kid.

• 40:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Oh, they've been in a relationship since 2014.

• 40:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  They, but you know what? He hasn't been sure about her this whole time.

• 40:31Tom Segura?

  So they've been dating since she was 26.

• 40:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 40:34Tom Segura?

  So that is the best fertile years, but he gave, but he gave her a kid.

• 40:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Made an honest woman out of her. Why do you think it took him an entire, like he, he was on the fence for a decade with this guy?

• 40:43Tom Segura?

  Eh, I'm pretty busy. I do a lot of shit. I don't know, man. This could go either way. You know what I mean? I don't want to fucking lock into something.

• 40:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, let's be.

• 40:52Tom Segura?

  Bitch, you are replaceable. You ain't, you ain't shit. I'm not reliable and neither are you.

• 41:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Any center thoughts?

• 41:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's fucking so cool for sure, man.

• 41:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, but, but real talk.

• 41:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, real talk. What's that?

• 41:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I, can I, can I talk to you for a second?

• 41:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, man.

• 41:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I want to be, I want you to be brutally honest with me with dudes like that dragging their asses for a decade on a woman. What the fuck is wrong? What is going on there?

• 41:19Tom Segura?

  They, they're not sure.

• 41:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're not sure about her or not sure they want to be married or both?

• 41:24Tom Segura?

  Both. Probably more just, I don't know if I want to be married, I think.

• 41:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 41:27Tom Segura?

  Cause I think that's real scary. Some dudes, it's really, really scary.

• 41:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just have one beaver.

• 41:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah. So they, I mean, you gotta actually give credit to like, they're not marrying them. And it's, that's the decision. Like it's, it's clear.

• 41:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 41:42Tom Segura?

  If he's not asking you to get married and you're cool with it, then that's fine.

• 41:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 41:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. I know. But if you're a broad that like wants to have kids.

• 41:52Tom Segura?

  I mean, a lot of chicks will tell them, a lot, you see it all the time. Women go. Hey, if you're not going to marry me, then I'm out of here.

• 41:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which is what they should do is just get out of there if you want to have children and the whole thing. So, so Mick Jagger is a cool guy marrying his thirty seven year old, longtime partner. They started when they were twenty six. He's eighty one. On the flip side of this, you have an actual cool guy, like, I mean, a genuine person like Keanu Reeves.

• 42:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who is dating an age appropriate woman.

• 42:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he gets so much shit.

• 42:22Tom Segura?

  Does he get a lot of shit?

• 42:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, like online, people are like, oh, my God, she's got gray hair. She's so old. And it's like, well, yeah, it's age appropriate. That's.

• 42:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who you should be.

• 42:32Tom Segura?

  Looks lovely, though.

• 42:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's, she's great. And there's pictures of them eating in restaurants, like laughing and having the best time. And

• 42:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, he, they're very happy.

• 42:41Tom Segura?

  They look happy. They look good.

• 42:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 42:43Tom Segura?

  How old is she?

• 42:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. How old is, how old is she?

• 42:47Tom Segura?

  Let's see. Dun, dun, dun.

• 42:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  She looks sweet. Fifty two. And how old is Keanu?

• 42:53Tom Segura?

  Keanu's gotta be a little older than that.

• 42:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe like.

• 42:56Tom Segura?

  He's sixty.

• 42:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sixty. Okay, so that's.

• 42:58Tom Segura?

  She was eight years younger.

• 42:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  But that's still the proper ballpark.

• 43:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's, God, he looks so great. He's so fit for sixty.

• 43:05Tom Segura?

  Sixty. That's wild. That doesn't look like a sixty year old man.

• 43:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 43:10Tom Segura?

  Neither does Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is, was just up there. His age, he's sixty two.

• 43:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  But see, Keanu is half Asian.

• 43:16Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 43:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  So he's got that Asian blood that keeps you young forever.

• 43:20Tom Segura?

  They look great.

• 43:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  They don't age.

• 43:21Tom Segura?

  They don't age.

• 43:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  But do you think he's had work?

• 43:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, a little bit.

• 43:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe a little, yeah. But the right amount.

• 43:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  The right amount.

• 43:27Tom Segura?

  Movie stars should.

• 43:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Absolutely. If you're on a big screen and people are looking at your big dumb head.

• 43:33Tom Segura?

  He's had it. Cruise has had it.

• 43:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pit.

• 43:36Tom Segura?

  Pit Stop's had it. They all have little touch ups.

• 43:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know who's had really good work done?

• 43:39Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 43:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gwynnie Peltrow.

• 43:41Tom Segura?

  Oh, really?

• 43:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  She apparently had the bottom lifted and you can see because of the ears, you know?

• 43:47Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 43:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That. And then she had the blefs, which is I'm gonna have my upper blefs done in July. You guys are gonna get to see me all fucking weird looking.

• 43:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  But she looks great. She has the right amount. I'm not gonna do that. I'm just getting my eyelids trimmed. My eyelids are drooping.

• 44:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  But she looks fantastic. She's just a few years older than me.

• 44:07Tom Segura?

  When I do it, I'm gonna go full, full, all the way back, this shit up here like this.

• 44:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 44:15Tom Segura?

  And I'm gonna go, hi. It's great.

• 44:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Me back on stage.

• 44:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like Liberace, that Liberace movie when he couldn't close his eyes.

• 44:24Tom Segura?

  Snoring with his eyes open. Yeah.

• 44:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Tom Cruise looks great, too.

• 44:28Tom Segura?

  He looks, he's sixty two years old, man.

• 44:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's ridiculous. I'm not seeing, yeah, he must have.

• 44:32Tom Segura?

  When you look at somebody, you're like, that guy's less than a decade from seventy.

• 44:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Impossible.

• 44:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he takes good care of himself.

• 44:38Tom Segura?

  For sure.

• 44:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, all these celebrities, they all get face lips, they're all doing all this kinds of shit to their faces.

• 44:44Tom Segura?

  He's on top of his nutrition.

• 44:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  That too.

• 44:46Tom Segura?

  He has been for decades.

• 44:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  That too.

• 44:48Tom Segura?

  He's physically fit, he's really active.

• 44:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause I'll tell you, man, gen pop, when I was getting my colonoscopy, when I'm in these doctor's offices for all my blood work and all these MRIs and stuff.

• 44:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gen pop does not look good, man. I mean, I'm looking at people.

• 45:03Tom Segura?

  No, I know.

• 45:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  In the future, and I'm like, this is what happens when you don't take care of your body and you must start really taking care of yourself in your forties.

• 45:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, forties is where you lay the groundwork.

• 45:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's crucial.

• 45:14Tom Segura?

  I know, because once you're sixty, it's too late to start.

• 45:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've already got diabetes and, and problems, it's.

• 45:20Tom Segura?

  If you're sixty and you haven't started, don't start.

• 45:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't start.

• 45:23Tom Segura?

  It's too late, just throw in the towel.

• 45:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Keep doing what you're doing.

• 45:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, just quit.

• 45:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, and I'll tell you.

• 45:28Tom Segura?

  Quit now.

• 45:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause your sister gives your mom shit for like drinking or doing things, and I'm like, don't give her shit. She's eighty years old. Let her eat cake and wine for dinner, who cares?

• 45:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, she's, she's rounding third right now, so it's just like, let her come home.

• 45:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 45:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who cares? And she's in great health, she doesn't have any health problems.

• 45:46Tom Segura?

  It's insane, yeah, it's insane.

• 45:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, how, how long do you want her to go until a hundred?

• 45:50Tom Segura?

  No, don't even put that out there. God, no, got a couple of years at best.

• 45:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  And she's in great health, so let her ruin it now. Now's the time.

• 46:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right?

• 46:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't start eating salads now when you're eighty and you've been eating like a toddler your whole life.

• 46:07Tom Segura?

  First of all, she won't anyway, she won't. Been trying, I've been trying to get her to do a daily casual.

• 46:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 46:13Tom Segura?

  Neighborhood walk for one decade.

• 46:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 46:16Tom Segura?

  And she's like, ah. I did it two weeks ago, I hate it. I'm like, okay.

• 46:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hates it.

• 46:23Tom Segura?

  Don't walk then. And then she's like, I can't walk anywhere. I'm like, yeah, okay.

• 46:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  She did do Pilates with Jane and me, like, two months ago, and she did it. We were afraid that she'd fall off the machine and stuff, like, everybody was nervous, but she did it.

• 46:39Tom Segura?

  You should be.

• 46:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  She hasn't gone back yet, but.

• 46:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. She's out of her fucking mind.

• 46:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good genetics though, Jim.

• 46:46Tom Segura?

  Crazy person.

• 46:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's hope you get.

• 46:49Tom Segura?

  It's crazy. She's one of seven, you know?

• 46:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 46:51Tom Segura?

  She's the youngest of seven. Most are dead. Cause who's alive? Four are, so three are dead. It's all men.

• 46:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, don't say that.

• 47:01Tom Segura?

  Oscar, Juan Luis and Pepe are dead.

• 47:06Tom Segura?

  Some of them died in their sixties.

• 47:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't, don't say that.

• 47:09Tom Segura?

  It's true. But Armando's still alive. He's older than her. Uh, Blanca's still alive. She's older. And Marita's still alive. And she's older. So they're all, she has older siblings that are all alive.

• 47:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. I think about my DNA. Like I had bad luck with the breast cancer stuff. But my dad, on the other hand.

• 47:27Tom Segura?

  Cockroach.

• 47:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is a roach.

• 47:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  He never had a green vegetable, never drank water in his life. Just booze and like horseradish and sausage.

• 47:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fine.

• 47:35Tom Segura?

  Fine.

• 47:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fine.

• 47:36Tom Segura?

  He's in his late seventies now.

• 47:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dude, he's gonna be eighties soon. Fine.

• 47:40Tom Segura?

  It's crazy.

• 47:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just pray that he gets some of that.

• 47:41Tom Segura?

  It really is a roll of the dice though on this shit.

• 47:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, it's.

• 47:44Tom Segura?

  Some of it is.

• 47:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  All, no, all of it is. My oncologist, I was like, hey, what's the common denominator with people you see that have cancer? She goes, nothing, nothing, luck. She's like, people who've smoked their whole lives won't get lung cancer. Somebody who's never smoked will get lung cancer.

• 47:59Tom Segura?

  Crazy.

• 47:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  She goes, actually, the only thing you can do.

• 48:01Tom Segura?

  Is be a piece of shit.

• 48:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is be an asshole. She goes assholes live forever. And I'm like, that's fucking so true.

• 48:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You know, we know that, um, we know that couple in LA where she's younger than him and, um.

• 48:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which one? I feel like that's all of LA.

• 48:18Tom Segura?

  No, but these are friends.

• 48:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 48:19Tom Segura?

  And he doesn't look close to his age and he's like.

• 48:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 48:23Tom Segura?

  This age, like sixty-ish. And his parents lived into their nineties.

• 48:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 48:30Tom Segura?

  And so you're like, oh, cause you're like, well, you look really good.

• 48:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, right. I know which couple I'm talking about.

• 48:34Tom Segura?

  You look really good, man.

• 48:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 48:36Tom Segura?

  And he's like, yeah, mom's ninety-six.

• 48:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 48:38Tom Segura?

  You're like, mom's ninety-six?

• 48:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 48:40Tom Segura?

  Like, yeah. And my dad lived to ninety-four. And you're like, oh, okay. There's something in your genes. Yeah.

• 48:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's totally genetics.

• 48:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 48:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you're just, you're hashtag blessed or you're not. You just get bad luck.

• 48:52Tom Segura?

  Pushes it into her nineties, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.

• 48:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  She might, dude. She might.

• 48:58Tom Segura?

  It's unbelievable. She's been promising to check out for so long now.

• 49:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 49:02Tom Segura?

  She just keeps fucking.

• 49:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause she's been threatening that shit like, I'm gonna die soon, since I've known her.

• 49:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  For 20 years now.

• 49:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna die.

• 49:10Tom Segura?

  Dude, I remember being a kid and she was like, I do understand I'm 45.

• 49:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:14Tom Segura?

  I'm going to die. And I'm like, okay, alright, I'm six.

• 49:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:20Tom Segura?

  Thanks for telling me.

• 49:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, put that mortality in your head already as a kid. That doesn't help.

• 49:26Tom Segura?

  Pretty crazy. This is so funny. One of my favorite comedians is Miss Pat.

• 49:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, she's amazing.

• 49:30Tom Segura?

  And she was on Trick Daddy's pod. They were cooking. This is such a funny exchange.

• 49:35Speaker 05

  Dad, how long, how long you been in the game, rapping and shit? I've been, I've been rapping since 95. Did you go to Diddy parties? They, they don't invite no nigga like me to Diddy parties. My homeboys would rob that bitch, tell them all them niggas, put your dicks up and raise your hand and drop your money in your wallet in his basket. I ain't inviting no motherfucking Diddy party. I ain't, I'm not a Diddy party ass nigga. I'm not that kind of dude.

• 49:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love that Miss Pat has the balls to ask that.

• 50:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, of course.

• 50:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's the best.

• 50:02Tom Segura?

  She'll ask anything. She's so funny.

• 50:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, she's amazing.

• 50:06Tom Segura?

  Fuck no. He's like, put your dicks up, take your wallets, which is true, which is true. You, uh, there's no way Trick Daddy and his crew would go to a Diddy party. That would never happen.

• 50:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-mm.

• 50:18Tom Segura?

  So fucking funny, though. I love Miss Pat. I think I'm gonna see her.

• 50:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah?

• 50:22Tom Segura?

  I think in New York, when I go to New York, she's gonna be there.

• 50:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, she's great, man.

• 50:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  We gotta get her to move out to Austin, where she's got family and shit.

• 50:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Trick Daddy.

• 50:32Tom Segura?

  I thought you would like this just because you like music. You're a cool music fan.

• 50:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, boy. Multiple major labels told me that despite my talent, I was still too old in my mid 30s to begin a music career. Well, here's. What I say to that.

• 50:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  My name is The Rafa.

• 50:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I make music.

• 50:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 51:13Tom Segura?

  I thought the staff put this together, but it's a real clip.

• 51:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  For people just listening, he's in a Day Glow bodysuit. And this is his, these are his tunes.

• 51:22Tom Segura?

  These are his tunes, yeah.

• 51:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is the guy.

• 51:24Tom Segura?

  He's not too old.

• 51:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's not too old.

• 51:26Tom Segura?

  No.

• 51:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  You kidding me?

• 51:27Tom Segura?

  No fucking way, man.

• 51:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  This feels fresh as fuck, dude.

• 51:33Tom Segura?

  All is forgiven.

• 51:40Tom Segura?

  I wonder if putting that on is what puts him in a musical mood.

• 51:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Probably, probably. That's like his, his outfit, his show up. You know, we all wear shit on stage that makes you feel more funny.

• 51:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  This definitely makes him feel sexier and activated and like rhythmic, dude.

• 51:53Tom Segura?

  Dude, way to go, man.

• 51:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, do you think that's true though? That you can't start a music career past thirty? Are there any examples of it?

• 51:59Tom Segura?

  I mean, you can, but-

• 52:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Moby. Moby's old as fuck.

• 52:02Tom Segura?

  But he's been making music a long time.

• 52:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Even before he broke it.

• 52:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, cuz that-

• 52:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was bald already, dude.

• 52:06Tom Segura?

  He broke with that album in like ninety seven, ninety eight. That's when that Moby Play album came out. It was like around ninety eight, ninety nine. So that's already twenty five plus years ago. He was making music before that. That wasn't his first album. So he was, you know, he was doing it a lot.

• 52:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, I'm, "All is forgiven." I like it. It's very catchy.

• 52:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it is catchy.

• 52:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I like, I actually like Day Glow thing, the glow in the dark shits.

• 52:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you though, in today's world, you never know. This song could take off on TikTok.

• 52:42Tom Segura?

  You'd never know.

• 52:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  And like, people could be memeing that shit and then he could get a fucking record deal now.

• 52:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't believe the shit about it's too late to do-

• 52:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  No!

• 52:51Tom Segura?

  Creative stuff.

• 52:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  No!

• 52:53Tom Segura?

  If you wanna write, if you wanna paint, if you wanna, you should definitely do it.

• 52:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Start, start in your fifties. There are people I follow on TikTok who are like elderly people and they're so rad. They come up with crazy stuff.

• 53:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are you thinking?

• 53:05Tom Segura?

  No, I was looking at this thing on the-

• 53:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Porn?

• 53:06Tom Segura?

  No, fuck porn.

• 53:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you thinking about what?

• 53:09Tom Segura?

  No. What? Suck your guys cocks? Okay.

• 53:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 53:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 53:17Tom Segura?

  All right. You fuck me and I'll blow him.

• 53:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. What would you do if you had to make like an album now? But you do rap, right? You'd be raps?

• 53:27Tom Segura?

  I don't think I could. I'm not a.

• 53:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  That'd be so awful.

• 53:30Tom Segura?

  No, I couldn't do that. My interest isn't even in that. It would be in production. Like, that's the stuff I like.

• 53:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you mean?

• 53:36Tom Segura?

  Like making beats, even though I can't make one? That's what I like the most.

• 53:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Making beats.

• 53:40Tom Segura?

  Well, that's what I enjoy the most is like the production on in hip hop.

• 53:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'd be like Rick Root, but Rick Rubin.

• 53:46Tom Segura?

  No, he's a producer.

• 53:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 53:47Tom Segura?

  Like I'm saying, I like what the like the melody, the beat that you hear.

• 53:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I don't like that at all. I like the lyrics and the words. Cause there are songs where the beat is cool, but the words are so dumb, I tap out.

• 53:59Tom Segura?

  There's a lot of songs like that.

• 54:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't do it.

• 54:01Tom Segura?

  I know. And what I do is I tune out the words and I'm just listening to the beat.

• 54:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what? You would write a song about rugies. You love them so much. I love my rugies. It's suck on them all day long.

• 54:11Tom Segura?

  Rookies in my mouth.

• 54:14Tom Segura?

  I put them in my butt.

• 54:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  You should put them in your butt.

• 54:17Tom Segura?

  It's rugie time.

• 54:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you and those rugies, the kids want to try the rugies too.

• 54:24Tom Segura?

  We should get them.

• 54:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'll let your kids try rugies.

• 54:26Tom Segura?

  They already know that babies like to smoke and eat sausage. You know what you brought up the other day that I was thinking about?

• 54:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 54:34Tom Segura?

  How you learn alcohol drinks at different phases of your life?

• 54:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 54:39Tom Segura?

  And I was thinking about it because I was like, like when you order a drink, like I remember learning what a screwdriver was.

• 54:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 54:44Tom Segura?

  And feeling so like sophisticated.

• 54:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  So grown up.

• 54:47Tom Segura?

  And I'd be like, let me get a screwdriver. And.

• 54:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 54:51Tom Segura?

  Do you know?

• 54:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause it sounds hard, but it's not. It's just vodka and orange juice.

• 54:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't order, I don't say, can I get a vodka and orange juice?

• 54:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 54:59Tom Segura?

  I just go, let me get a screwdriver. And the, the night I OD'd.

• 55:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 55:03Tom Segura?

  When I was a freshman in college.

• 55:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 55:05Tom Segura?

  I had 14 screwdrivers.

• 55:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  14?

• 55:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah. It's part of why I. Tom. It's part of why I ended up in the hospital.

• 55:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tom.

• 55:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you drink them before you dosed?

• 55:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah. So I was lit. I was super drunk and then I dosed and then I was like.

• 55:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bro, you were on your way to a significant problem.

• 55:24Tom Segura?

  I was on my way to the grave.

• 55:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. You were doing 14 mixed drinks.

• 55:30Tom Segura?

  After ecstasy too. I took ecstasy, then I drank those 14 drinks. Over a few hours, obviously.

• 55:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, just a few hours.

• 55:36Tom Segura?

  And then I did the GHB. But one of the things I always. Always remember is screwdrivers.

• 55:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  You run your way.

• 55:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And then you learned, what was it, seven and seven?

• 55:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, hold on. So screwdrivers, when I was 13, Jenny Pentland taught me what a screwdriver was.

• 55:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  And we would make them in my house when my parents were gone and drink them in the jacuzzi.

• 55:55Tom Segura?

  You're like so badass.

• 55:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a fucking screwdriver. And that was the first drink. And then you learned.

• 56:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, Zima was in college.

• 56:04Tom Segura?

  No, I didn't do that. I'm not gay.

• 56:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Strawberry Hill, Boone Strawberry Hill was high school. Did you drink that?

• 56:10Tom Segura?

  No. What, we started it like, I also thought it was cool to say on the rocks.

• 56:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 56:15Tom Segura?

  Get that on the rocks.

• 56:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  On the rocks. Strawberry Hill, there it is.

• 56:19Tom Segura?

  Then Cuba Libre was a big one with like Latinos.

• 56:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 56:23Tom Segura?

  Let me get a Cuba Libre, which is just rum and Coke.

• 56:28Tom Segura?

  But it sounds way better when you say Cuba Libre. Seven and seven.

• 56:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Seven and seven. Okay. So once you start, so I did those in college. Once you puke, seven and seven.

• 56:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  That phase ends.

• 56:39Tom Segura?

  That ends, yeah.

• 56:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's just like the Bacardi phase. The first time you vomit that shit, you're done with Bacardi.

• 56:44Tom Segura?

  Here's the thing, I still, I'm so bad now. One thing is I don't, I don't drink a lot. But I'm, whenever I see a cocktail menu, I'm like, oh, I go, what's like, cause I always have a kind of the same desire at this point in my life where I go, I like it to be like refreshing taste. So I like things with cucumber, mint, but like not too sweet. So it can have a little bit, but like really sugary sweet ones.

• 57:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, forget it.

• 57:10Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God. Remember when you learn a Long Island iced tea?

• 57:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was just gonna say that.

• 57:14Tom Segura?

  I learned that, I feel like that was going from high school to college.

• 57:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:18Tom Segura?

  Let me get a Long Island iced tea.

• 57:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God. So Long Island's I discovered like first year.

• 57:22Tom Segura?

  That's to get completely wrecked.

• 57:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Obliterated. Cause they were cheap, right? Cause you could get one Long Island iced tea for $13 and then you'd be ripped. And there was a couple of places that would serve minors, Casa Vega in the valley and the Dresden Room. And we would go there and they would give you Long Island iced teas when you were like 18 years old. Oh, shout out to Casa Vega.

• 57:42Tom Segura?

  Casa Vega's still around, probably enjoying the free plug. They serve minors.

• 57:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thanks for the underage booze. I'm sure they don't do it anymore, but in the late 90s, that was fucking fire, dog.

• 57:54Tom Segura?

  Well, this old dog face, I used to just walk into bars at 17. They'd be like, how's it going, sir? What would you like? I had a fake ID.

• 58:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's a Dresden, yeah.

• 58:03Tom Segura?

  But I didn't have to pull it out all the time.

• 58:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  I didn't have to do it either. No, the Dresden room, this is before it became cool from that movie Swingers.

• 58:10Tom Segura?

  You think they saw your tits? They saw your tits and they were like, this big titted broad isn't a kid?

• 58:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause tits got me to buy cigarettes when I was 13 at the time to buy liquor store off Newcastle and Ventura Boulevard.

• 58:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would wear my bikini top in when I was 13 and go-go boots and a skirt and the guy would always sell me cigarettes. And that's how I got booze. And then beer in high school, I think we had a plug. Like I think somebody's brother got us beers.

• 58:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then you'd go to the nightclub. We'd go to like Helter Skelter, the goth club, park in the parking lot across the street, drink our beers in the parking lot and then go into the club with a fake ID.

• 58:44Tom Segura?

  I went into a liquor store in Boston. I was visiting my sister who was going to school there and I go to the liquor store and I put all the beer and everything on the counter. And the guy was like, ID? And I handed it to him and he laughed and handed it back. Goes, get the fuck out of here.

• 59:02Tom Segura?

  I was like, what?

• 59:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you even get the beer?

• 59:03Tom Segura?

  No, he was like, get out of here, dude. But that's also a fake ID town.

• 59:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 59:08Tom Segura?

  Boston is a massive college community, you know, they have 61 colleges and universities in the greater Boston area. So they're used to underage kids trying to, yeah, he was like, get the fuck out of here, dude.

• 59:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Oh, seven and seven. And then Cosmopolitans.

• 59:24Tom Segura?

  See, I don't even know what that is.

• 59:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  When that came out, Sex and the City came out and then all the girls were drinking. They're like pink foofy drinks. Ugh, and you get, you get fucking shitty on these a few times and then you're done with the Cosmo face.

• 59:36Tom Segura?

  I had my first martini last year.

• 59:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 59:38Tom Segura?

  I'd never had a martini.

• 59:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Those are good.

• 59:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're not sweet.

• 59:41Tom Segura?

  Never had one.

• 59:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not sugar. Sugar is what gives you the big, big hangovers.

• 59:45Tom Segura?

  I'll tell you what I am into.

• 59:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gin and tonic.

• 59:48Tom Segura?

  I like gin and tonics with Hendrix, um, and Monkey Forty Seven.

• 59:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  What about poor Osos?

• 59:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but that's vodka though.

• 59:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Vodka and tonic.

• 59:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but that's a, that, the one that I like for vodka is you do Osos, a little soda water.

• 1:00:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 1:00:01Tom Segura?

  A little bit of simple syrup and then the, the muddled cucumbers with mint. Cause that's like a refreshing drink.

• 1:00:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's perfect.

• 1:00:08Tom Segura?

  I think that's kinda like, um, what's it called? Like a vodka sour or a Tom Collins? Like it's a version of that.

• 1:00:15Tom Segura?

  But what's the other one that I, oh, I like espresso martinis.

• 1:00:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't do that.

• 1:00:20Tom Segura?

  I like that.

• 1:00:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't want to get jacked and drunk. It's like, remember when?

• 1:00:24Tom Segura?

  I like coffee, so it's like that taste is so good to me.

• 1:00:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I have bad memories of doing Red Bull vodkas in the early aughts. And then you'd be out playing video games drunk as shit at three in the morning.

• 1:00:35Tom Segura?

  We can have an espresso martini day here, guys. We should do that one day. Hell, yeah. Yeah. Sounds good to me. Yep.

• 1:00:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Poor Osos on the rocks with just some lime is so good. And it doesn't have that burning shit.

• 1:00:47Tom Segura?

  No, it's good stuff.

• 1:00:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's just like clean. So good. Yeah. But you know what I, you know, at the end of my drinking career, it was just wine. Cause all this stuff is like, I can't, dude.

• 1:00:59Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 1:00:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't metabolize this shit.

• 1:01:01Tom Segura?

  Can't drink too much, cause then this happens. I want a button for a bathroom that just plays the purge noise, the klaxon. Whenever you have to shit.

• 1:01:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a good idea.

• 1:01:14Tom Segura?

  So everyone around knows you have shit. Her foofies are real bad.

• 1:01:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's bad.

• 1:01:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why are they all black?

• 1:01:22Tom Segura?

  They are rotten. They're rotting and that's probably gonna affect her brain soon.

• 1:01:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:01:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that'll go to your brain.

• 1:01:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  The rot?

• 1:01:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck.

• 1:01:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you can't.

• 1:01:33Tom Segura?

  She's got serious decay going on in there.

• 1:01:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  What does she want the sound of? The purge?

• 1:01:38Tom Segura?

  The purge when she has to shit or after she shit.

• 1:01:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but everybody knows she's shitting. She's a big girl. There's no fucking mysteries.

• 1:01:46Tom Segura?

  They're all like, oh, we know what happened in there.

• 1:01:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  And by the way.

• 1:01:48Tom Segura?

  We don't need a sound effect.

• 1:01:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, they know. And I know when you shit, because, oh my God, the other morning you were in there. And I've noticed this about you, but I haven't articulated it, is that you're always like,

• 1:02:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  like you make grandpa sounds when you're shitting.

• 1:02:05Tom Segura?

  It feels good. You make sounds when things feel good. You know?

• 1:02:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not embarrassed to make.

• 1:02:12Tom Segura?

  Somebody rubs your scalp, you go, eat something good, hmm, take a nice shit.

• 1:02:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what you do. That's your sound. And you do it out loud. And I'm right next to you. You're not embarrassed that I would hear you go,

• 1:02:29Tom Segura?

  No, I want you to know that. I feel good in there.

• 1:02:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I noticed.

• 1:02:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just, I don't know. I guess we're built different that way.

• 1:02:36Tom Segura?

  It feels good. You pull on my beanbag?

• 1:02:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okey dokey. I do that, but I don't know. I think I'd be embarrassed if I made a sound like that.

• 1:02:45Tom Segura?

  Absolutely not. It's very cool. Peachy break?

• 1:02:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I got a whiz too.

• 1:02:49Tom Segura?

  Oh, that is pretty. And we're back and it's time to explore the marginalized community.

• 1:02:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, can't fucking wait.

• 1:02:59Tom Segura?

  Let's see what she got for us today. Let's do it.

• 1:03:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:03:12Speaker 03

  I'm about to enter a world where anything is possible. Won't you come with me? Come into the portal of instant manifestation.

• 1:03:24Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:03:25Speaker 03

  Let's go.

• 1:03:26Tom Segura?

  Is it Ash Wednesday? Is that why that's on her forehead?

• 1:03:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's a birthmark.

• 1:03:30Tom Segura?

  Oh, okay. Well.

• 1:03:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why don't you want to go into the fucking portal?

• 1:03:34Tom Segura?

  Well, anything is possible. I think that's cool.

• 1:03:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't want to make manifestations happen now?

• 1:03:40Tom Segura?

  Usually drugs are involved with something like this, but.

• 1:03:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  She doesn't look high?

• 1:03:42Tom Segura?

  She doesn't look high. I think she just has, um, no, not a birthmark. I think she has a severe mental illness.

• 1:03:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:03:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why don't you open your fucking mind?

• 1:03:52Tom Segura?

  To another portal?

• 1:03:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:53Tom Segura?

  Where anything is possible?

• 1:03:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is wrong with you? You're so closed minded. How do you know she can't really?

• 1:03:58Tom Segura?

  She has that crazed look in her eyes, for sure. Yeah.

• 1:04:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe.

• 1:04:01Tom Segura?

  She's very disturbed.

• 1:04:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what? You and I, this is where we digress. We go different directions. I'm all into this now.

• 1:04:08Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:04:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I want to see the portal.

• 1:04:10Tom Segura?

  Wow. Oh, shit.

• 1:04:15Tom Segura?

  The balls to play this music and do the slow turn.

• 1:04:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's kind of tight, right?

• 1:04:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:22Tom Segura?

  This person's like, oh, this shit is tight.

• 1:04:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn.

• 1:04:25Tom Segura?

  That's how you pull it. Nice.

• 1:04:29Tom Segura?

  That was...

• 1:04:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, so hold on.

• 1:04:33Tom Segura?

  We can get my mother this haircut.

• 1:04:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, we should. It's got V-shaped bangs, high above the ears, and then a sweet, long rat tail.

• 1:04:42Tom Segura?

  But a thick one. It's not a little tail.

• 1:04:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not a rat tail, then.

• 1:04:45Tom Segura?

  It's not a real tail.

• 1:04:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like a...

• 1:04:47Tom Segura?

  It's like a fox tail.

• 1:04:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  A pony rat.

• 1:04:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  That looks so good.

• 1:04:52Tom Segura?

  That is so horrendous. Shout out to whoever did that. I didn't think anything could be that bad, but you did it.

• 1:04:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's real dog shit.

• 1:05:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:01Tom Segura?

  This is a special secret menu item at the Plaza de Coco.

• 1:05:04Speaker 06

  These are all 100% agave tequila. This one is tequila anejo. This yellow one is tequila reposado. And this other red one is tequila blanco. Make sure you ask for this because they only have a limited amount on board. And you do keep it at $65. They're all sealed, you can see.

• 1:05:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, you don't have to... This is 100 milliliters, so that's three and a third ounces.

• 1:05:28Tom Segura?

  So it's some Disney dorks...

• 1:05:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, yeah.

• 1:05:29Tom Segura?

  That are telling you about a secret menu item.

• 1:05:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  These two retards spend money at Disney everything. And they're childless, so again, low IQ adults with no children, going to fucking Disneyland and eating and drinking all this sugar-loaded crap. And they're so pumped to give Disney their money. It's ridiculous. Every post is like, "We just spent... We bought the limited edition mug."

• 1:05:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they love it.

• 1:05:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like, what are you doing?

• 1:05:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, some people, you know, they get excited about different things, and this one is as dumb as it gets.

• 1:06:04Tom Segura?

  So, congratulations. Absolutely fucking stupid.

• 1:06:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  So dumb. Yeah. Oh, so this is a real place?

• 1:06:13Speaker 03

  One of the special things about Hammond and Harmony's...

• 1:06:15Tom Segura?

  That actually seems awesome.

• 1:06:17Speaker 03

  Who doesn't like having their hair brushed? It's the ultimate nurture. What mummies do, isn't it? So come and have your hair brushed.

• 1:06:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:26Tom Segura?

  So I don't have hair, but if I could lay in that and have a scalp massage.

• 1:06:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. So I love these two women so much. I DM'd them and I was like, I love everything about this.

• 1:06:36Tom Segura?

  Where is it? In London?

• 1:06:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck, I forget.

• 1:06:38Tom Segura?

  It's in the UK, right?

• 1:06:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's not around us.

• 1:06:40Tom Segura?

  Right, that was Bames?

• 1:06:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. And they were like, yeah, if we open on in Austin. I'm like, please, you just lay in a hammock and somebody brushes your hair?

• 1:06:48Tom Segura?

  That's pretty rad. This is a good find. Congratulations. It's one of the only upsetting, non-upsetting TikToks you've found. Really cool.

• 1:06:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're welcome.

• 1:06:58Tom Segura?

  That's a great idea.

• 1:06:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. Oh, Stick Nation.

• 1:07:01Tom Segura?

  Hello, Stick Nation. I'm in Boston, Massachusetts. I just found this stick. It's got some magical shield properties to it for sure.

• 1:07:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:08Tom Segura?

  As you can see the display here, it can cast magical wards and spells around it.

• 1:07:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:14Tom Segura?

  It could also be used as a type of spinning device of some sort. And in a pinch, you could turn it into an umbrella. Whoa.

• 1:07:23Tom Segura?

  This is my stick. Thank you, Stick Nation.

• 1:07:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, that's a pretty kick-ass stick, dude.

• 1:07:27Tom Segura?

  That is pretty cool. I don't know that it can fend off evil spirits.

• 1:07:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is wrong with you today?

• 1:07:32Tom Segura?

  But it is, it's just from official stick reviews.

• 1:07:37Tom Segura?

  That is very cool.

• 1:07:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't believe in the spirit world? You don't believe in alien portals? What the fuck, dude? Do I even know you anymore?

• 1:07:43Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:07:45Speaker 02

  Nothing like a box of Little Debbie honey buns.

• 1:07:51Tom Segura?

  Guess we have Disney adults doing food reviews now.

• 1:07:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've never.

• 1:07:55Speaker 02

  Nothing like it.

• 1:07:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've never had those. Have you had those honey buns? She seems to like them very much. They look frozen and then you're supposed to heat them up.

• 1:08:04Tom Segura?

  Her face looks frozen.

• 1:08:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep. There's something going on there.

• 1:08:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Something dead inside. I like cracking honey bun.

• 1:08:14Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:08:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  What? Oh my God.

• 1:08:18Tom Segura?

  This is a lady at a buffet?

• 1:08:24Tom Segura?

  This guy.

• 1:08:29Tom Segura?

  What the fuck?

• 1:08:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just keep watching.

• 1:08:34Tom Segura?

  I am watching.

• 1:08:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Keep it.

• 1:08:36Tom Segura?

  This guy's just staring at the camera.

• 1:08:39Tom Segura?

  Okay?

• 1:08:41Tom Segura?

  Oh, poof.

• 1:08:46Tom Segura?

  You could look like this.

• 1:08:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. I definitely think this could be me.

• 1:08:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now she's getting a pedicure, a manicure, and he's following her there.

• 1:09:07Tom Segura?

  He's having a good time.

• 1:09:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  He watches her eat.

• 1:09:11Tom Segura?

  There's the food.

• 1:09:14Tom Segura?

  This is really well put together. Thanks for flagging this.

• 1:09:18Tom Segura?

  I think we understand what the food is.

• 1:09:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, hold on. You don't understand what's happening here.

• 1:09:22Tom Segura?

  Thirty second shot of the food.

• 1:09:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  So that's her on the phone. Do you sense a theme here? Is that he really likes videoing?

• 1:09:31Tom Segura?

  Her.

• 1:09:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Her.

• 1:09:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's an entire account that this guy

• 1:09:36Tom Segura?

  Just films her?

• 1:09:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  dedicates to her, filming her.

• 1:09:40Tom Segura?

  You know what's cool? Is that reality is what you make of it. And in his mind, he's hit a home run.

• 1:09:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:09:46Tom Segura?

  He's in heaven.

• 1:09:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 1:09:48Tom Segura?

  He's like, yeah, of course I document this.

• 1:09:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why don't you take a little lesson from him?

• 1:09:52Tom Segura?

  What do you mean?

• 1:09:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm just saying you could worship me a little bit more. You could take videos of me lovingly a little bit more. What's wrong?

• 1:09:59Speaker 06

  Have you ever felt discriminated against during travel? I recently hosted 13 plus-size travelers in Thailand. And unfortunately during our trip, we were discriminated against.

• 1:10:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  No!

• 1:10:10Speaker 06

  As a fat black woman that's traveled extensively through Southeast Asia and Thailand specifically, I was able to give my travelers the heads up that

• 1:10:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  They were more than likely gonna experience some fat phobia during our trip. What I wasn't expecting was that the company that we hired to give us a tour through Bangkok's floating market would be the source of the fat phobic comments. Bangkok's floating market is a historical and cultural site that I was super excited for my travelers to experience, which is one of the reasons why it was a highlight as I built the itinerary. My travelers were super excited to visit the floating market, but I could feel the mood shift as soon as we started to get on the boats. I make sure that all of the companies that I work with are aware that my clients and I are all plus-size travelers, so that hopefully that can minimize the shock and awe when we arrive.

• 1:11:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  After the tour, I checked in with all of my clients and unfortunately, one of them was called some disturbing names in English by one of the boat staff. In response, we declined to give a tip and contacted the management of that boat company. I've also decided not to bring my clients back to the floating market. What would you do if this happened to you? Let me know in the comments.

• 1:11:26Tom Segura?

  Wish we could hear a little more detail about the comments.

• 1:11:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, what did they call you?

• 1:11:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have a feeling, I mean, look, you're in another culture. They are not as sensitive as we are.

• 1:11:38Tom Segura?

  And Thai people are small. They're built, like, they have a very slender build.

• 1:11:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  So to see, like, big American women, it's gonna be shocking.

• 1:11:48Tom Segura?

  There's probably a lot of, "Oh!"

• 1:11:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:52Tom Segura?

  The market closed early today.

• 1:11:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  They weren't in Japan, maybe.

• 1:11:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  You have more pressure? That's more of this, isn't it? You eat all the food?

• 1:12:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  We don't shop because there's no food left for you.

• 1:12:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're so fat and so black. We never see so black fat like you before. Exactly what they said to them. Exactly. They're like, "Oh, you're very big." American football player.

• 1:12:25Tom Segura?

  No, we're women.

• 1:12:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Linebacker. You play for Cowboy.

• 1:12:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I know it cuz I've, like, when I was in Korea.

• 1:12:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  They were like, oh, you're too big. Like, they thought I was too big cuz I was like, I think I went to shop for a bra or something and they're like, oh, no, no big size for you. And I was like, thank you. So they just do, they just laugh at you in your face. So fat. Oh, you're so big. Why are you so big? You never stop or eat? You eat all the day? Exactly. And then they laugh, of course.

• 1:13:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 1:13:05Tom Segura?

  It's really fun. Yeah.

• 1:13:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. East saltwater crocodiles in Indonesia have apparently learned how to pretend to be drowning to lure humans in who they view as prey, who they then obviously eat.

• 1:13:20Tom Segura?

  That's fucking awesome.

• 1:13:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right?

• 1:13:23Tom Segura?

  That's incredible.

• 1:13:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:26Tom Segura?

  Who, but who sees a, a croc drowning and goes, I gotta get in there?

• 1:13:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, they don't think it's a croc. They might think it's people because they're just, they're on their back with the hands up. Like, if you see the, look at it. No, I'm serious. That's what they're trying to do.

• 1:13:38Tom Segura?

  Look like hands to me. I'm like, yo, this motherfucker's smart. Holy shit.

• 1:13:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's imitating people. See?

• 1:13:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't, if you don't know that the croc's in there, you might think that's a human.

• 1:13:47Tom Segura?

  I bet. There's some weird hands on that motherfucker.

• 1:13:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. Shit, I might think it's a human and jump in.

• 1:13:52Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:13:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I might be like, is a kid in there? Like, if I didn't know there were crocs in the water?

• 1:13:57Tom Segura?

  So crazy.

• 1:13:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would think it's like a kid or a severely disfigured.

• 1:14:01Tom Segura?

  This must have happened, by the way, a few times. Like. Like, look at that. That looks like a hand. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no.

• 1:14:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oopsie.

• 1:14:14Tom Segura?

  Croc's like, dumb motherfucker.

• 1:14:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:17Tom Segura?

  I don't even understand how he got those five fingers. Like, what, what is that? Fuck, I don't know, man. What on a croc could look like that? Those are croc paws.

• 1:14:30Tom Segura?

  The croc, the croc paw has the same mentality as those Thai people.

• 1:14:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a fatty, but look at the fat man jumping in the water. We eat you now, fatty.

• 1:14:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, come here.

• 1:14:43Tom Segura?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:14:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, luring in the tourists.

• 1:14:45Speaker 06

  Ahoy there, Italia. I be hearing that somebody named John wanted to give you a little message. Oh, matey, the sea be vast, but every day be a chance to chart the course worth a remembering. I be grateful that I should be crossing, but not for old treasures maybe of gold.

• 1:15:08Tom Segura?

  Okay, she sounds like she comes from the Burt School of Impressions. He does similar accents.

• 1:15:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:16Tom Segura?

  Ah, yeah.

• 1:15:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've never heard him doing accents.

• 1:15:20Tom Segura?

  Oh, it's really bad.

• 1:15:22Speaker 06

  It's the people that you be meeting.

• 1:15:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meeting.

• 1:15:25Speaker 06

  And that be the richest of all things.

• 1:15:28Tom Segura?

  How is this a fucking four-minute video? How long this bitch talks like this for this long?

• 1:15:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's from Retarded Eye Ireland.

• 1:15:33Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:15:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Different country. Oh, my God, please.

• 1:15:37Tom Segura?

  It's so, it's so long.

• 1:15:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, that's a fair deal.

• 1:15:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 1:15:43Tom Segura?

  Thanks a lot for that. A real nice treat.

• 1:15:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're welcome. I thought you'd like her.

• 1:15:48Tom Segura?

  So Bad Thoughts comes out May 13th, and don't forget, the Two Bears 5K is May 4th in Tampa, Florida.

• 1:15:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  5,000 miles.

• 1:15:57Tom Segura?

  I'm on tour, tomsegura.com/tour for tickets.

• 1:15:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Buy my lip shits.

• 1:16:01Tom Segura?

  Lip shits are on sale for Christine.

• 1:16:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  My eyeglasses are so dirty. Every time I put them on, just film.

• 1:16:08Tom Segura?

  That was horrible video.

• 1:16:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I need new ones. My prescription is up.

• 1:16:11Tom Segura?

  Thank you, guys, for watching. Thank you for listening, and we'll see you next week.

• 1:16:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bye, mommy.

• 1:17:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys, as I recall, right? At Edward Jones, we believe rich is more than caring about the latest and greatest. It's also taking care of what gives your life meaning. That's why your dedicated financial advisor meets you where you are, with personalized financial strategies that help protect what matters, so you can preserve your progress while creating a path forward. The key to being rich is knowing what counts. Let's find your rich, together. Edward Jones. Member SIPC.