Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805

Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: Trade is exclusively offering our listeners 40% off your first order at https://drinktrade.com/YMH. Check out the full lineup and get 15 percent off your first order at http://TRUEWERK.com/ymh. You can find Cremo’s new line of antiperspirants and deodorants at Target or https://Target.com This week on Your Mom’s House, it’s just the Main Mommies in the saddle — and things get deeply personal and deeply disgusting. Tina gives us the full rundown on her recent colonoscopy journey, while a slightly jealous Tom has really leaned into his gross dad era — spitting loogies out the car window like an old Chinese man (Christine's words, not mine) and upping his fart game to unacceptable levels. They also give a brief review of The Minecraft Movie, praise Jason Mamoa, and discuss the rise of low-IQ adults on TikTok, and get into the latest unhinged chapter in the Tony Johns saga — this week included a landlord braw, an hour long arrest, and a little sledgehammering. Plus, the Mommies revisit the legendary RPC’s Instagram for a reboot of an old classic clip, watch some horrible or hilarious videos, get re-acquainted with the Alaskan Avenger, and Tom shows some wild glove art from his show in Oklahoma City. Grab your bidet, lower your IQ, and let’s get weird. Your Mom’s House Ep. 805 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:15 - Tina's Colonoscopy 00:06:39 - Disgusting Habits 00:13:10 - Opening Clip: Enny's Inner Thoughts 00:22:01 - Clip: Smelly Flatulence 00:26:36 - RPC: Rebooted 00:36:03 - Minecraft Movie & Low-IQ Adults 00:42:43 - Tony Johns 00:47:53 - Clip: Soft Security 00:49:07 - Horrible Or Hilarious 00:53:00 - Spring Jackets 00:59:56 - The Alaskan Avenger 01:04:49 - Clip: Precious Man-Baby 01:08:01 - Clip: Water Cannons Are Scary 01:09:50 - Tour Dates 01:10:44 - Glove Actually 01:13:33 - Closing Song -"F. A. R. T." by Billy Robot Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Segura?

  What's up everybody, it's Tom Segura. Tickets for my fall dates of the Come Together Tour are on sale right now. You can get them, no code words, no special signs, no handshakes. Just go to tomsegura.com/tour and pick up those tickets. I will see you there this fall. A whole bunch of cities have been added. Thank you, I love you, and I will see you there.

• 0:34Tom Segura?

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• 1:18Tom Segura?

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• 1:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  That burp you laid, did they get to hear that before we started rolling even?

• 1:42Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 1:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was mighty, mighty.

• 1:44Tom Segura?

  Oh, Neona just nodded.

• 1:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, cool. You guys get to hear what I hear all the time.

• 1:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  We'll talk about that a bit more today, because you've been in special form. And I have a theory why, and I'm going to get into that.

• 1:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, really, you have a theory?

• 1:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do.

• 1:56Tom Segura?

  I don't know about this theory.

• 1:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do.

• 1:58Tom Segura?

  Oh, cool, man.

• 1:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do.

• 2:00Tom Segura?

  It's a

• 2:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's everybody?

• 2:01Tom Segura?

  What's everybody? It's great to be here. Uh, we have so many cool updates to share with you. A lot of cool things going on.

• 2:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 2:08Tom Segura?

  A lot of cool updates. Do you wanna show off and say what you did yesterday?

• 2:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  You, oh, you're just gonna get into it right now?

• 2:17Tom Segura?

  Why not?

• 2:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  This leads into my theory as to why you've been ramping up the burps, the farts, the hawking luggies. I had a colonoscopy yesterday for the first time in my life.

• 2:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold the applause. And it's not for any reason. It was just a standard thing, so don't worry. And I think, and I'm just gonna put this out here and see if this sounds like familiar. I think you're a little jealous because A, I got to watch all, everything come out of me in a waterfall fashion. I got some cool farts and I got a propofol nap.

• 2:49Tom Segura?

  That's

• 2:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Am I saying that right? Propofol?

• 2:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I think you're jealous and you're just showing off a little bit. You're peacocking a little. Does that sound familiar?

• 2:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't think that's, I, I am insanely jealous that you got anesthesia.

• 3:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  So good.

• 3:05Tom Segura?

  Cause it's my favorite thing and it's, it's the only thing I haven't really reached out to somebody for. I'm trying to find a doctor that'll do it.

• 3:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like Michael Jackson?

• 3:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, a hundred percent. And by the way, I'll pay, I'll pay cash.

• 3:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:17Tom Segura?

  I'll do what you want. I want you to come to the house. I want you to, to give me propofol.

• 3:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  You have to sleep in a chamber though. Didn't he sleep in a hyperbaric chamber?

• 3:24Tom Segura?

  I don't think you have to sleep in one.

• 3:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  He just puts like the, the thing on your nose.

• 3:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you just need a doctor to monitor you, you know?

• 3:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  All night. Dude, did MJ, he just have a doctor all night monitoring?

• 3:34Tom Segura?

  Well, that guy was there all the time. I don't know if he spent the night all the time, but

• 3:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  But that's crazy.

• 3:39Tom Segura?

  His tolerance went way, way up.

• 3:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:41Tom Segura?

  Cause he was able to metabolize the propofol in, in increasing amounts so quickly that they had to keep ramping it up.

• 3:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's wild because my brain was totally charred after it. Like I, yesterday I had brain zaps.

• 3:54Tom Segura?

  Imagine you're the doctor that killed Michael Jackson.

• 3:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  What happened to him? I'm sure he's in prison by now.

• 3:59Tom Segura?

  He did have to serve some time, but I don't know what ultimately.

• 4:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, this is the crazy thing about really rich celebrities is you can find anybody to do anything.

• 4:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  As long as they don't have morals.

• 4:10Tom Segura?

  He was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, inadvertently overdosing with a powerful surgical anesthetic, propofol.

• 4:18Tom Segura?

  Uh, he served just under two years of his original four year sentence. Conrad Murray. Yeah.

• 4:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dude, that's a powerful way to sleep. Honestly, that's a little too much. Like, you're, you're just dead. You're basically dead all night.

• 4:31Tom Segura?

  There he is.

• 4:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he looks good. He looks cool.

• 4:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I wonder what he's doing these days.

• 4:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 4:36Tom Segura?

  Cause I'll tell you this, if you can still get your hands on that propofol, I'll hire you.

• 4:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 4:41Tom Segura?

  I'll hire you.

• 4:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I, but I do have something really relevant to the YMH world.

• 4:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  That I'd like to bring to the light.

• 4:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, by the way, colonoscopy, no biggie. I, I really thought it would be way worser than it was. Not a big deal. You take, you drink this nasty shit that makes you basically waterfall dump.

• 5:00Tom Segura?

  For hours.

• 5:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  For hours, fine. It doesn't hurt.

• 5:03Tom Segura?

  How many times you think you sat on the toilet?

• 5:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my gosh. Um, eighty?

• 5:08Tom Segura?

  No.

• 5:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Eighty-seven?

• 5:09Tom Segura?

  No, there's no way. It was not that many times.

• 5:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause I like to get up, I would sit down and try to watch something.

• 5:14Tom Segura?

  It was an eighty something times.

• 5:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit again. It was a lot. It was a hundred and eighty. And I'd feel a tug, but it's thing, it's not painful. It's not like diarrhea where you're like, oh, like cramping over. No cramping. You just feel like a little like boop, boop. And then you go sit down.

• 5:27Tom Segura?

  Hello.

• 5:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then, but you better sit down fast. There's no time to spare. Cause you sit down and water. Eventually, water comes out of your butthole.

• 5:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's the cool part. At four AM, are you ready?

• 5:39Tom Segura?

  I'm ready.

• 5:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  At four AM, I was browning water, just clear water, which is where you're supposed to get. At one point, water was coming out of my B-hole and piss was coming out of my P-hole.

• 5:53Tom Segura?

  Huh.

• 5:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, we've got the double pipe classic, which is a burp and a fart at the same time.

• 5:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  What would you call, since you coined it, you're in the urban dictionary.

• 6:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  When you brown water and pee at the same time.

• 6:05Tom Segura?

  Wow. It's like double stream magic. Yeah.

• 6:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 6:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Double stream magic.

• 6:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't think that's ever gonna happen again in my life.

• 6:14Tom Segura?

  I don't know. Shitting and peeing, like in unison together.

• 6:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  At the same, but you're not shitting shit, just to clarify.

• 6:20Tom Segura?

  You're shitting water.

• 6:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're literally just, you sit down and water comes out of your bum. It's wild. Oh, no. Yeah.

• 6:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  What did you call it? A double stream magic?

• 6:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, I advise everybody to get their colonoscopy just to experience a double stream magic.

• 6:37Tom Segura?

  I would say this too. It really. They, they made it pretty clear, getting, everyone thinks, I don't want to do that. They prevent so many deaths and catch so many things early by getting colonoscopies. If you're over 40 and you haven't had one, you know, it's just, you owe it to yourself, to your family, you should do it.

• 6:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's totally, yeah, it's a total.

• 6:57Tom Segura?

  It's a preventative thing and it's how they know, oh, something's up with your GI tract, we gotta do something. If you don't do it, it's, everything's, it's way too late when you're like, I'm fucking shitting blood.

• 7:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, and also those kits that they say, oh, you just scrape your poo and then you mail it in. Those are not, it's too late. By the time it shows up there, you've already got cancer, you're fucked, you're dead. So just go, and by the way, the actual procedure, 20 minutes.

• 7:21Tom Segura?

  20 minutes long, and by the way, you get a propofol nap.

• 7:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, it is the best part.

• 7:25Tom Segura?

  I was so jealous.

• 7:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  You were, you always are when I get anesthesia.

• 7:28Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 7:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're so.

• 7:29Tom Segura?

  Well, I'm signing up for one just to get that. So I've had one, I had, I had a colonoscopy a few years ago, but it's time for another and I'm super jealous and I just want to get.

• 7:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know you're jealous. That's why you've been ramping up the burps and the farts and. Do you want me to talk about what you did yesterday?

• 7:44Tom Segura?

  That's fine, I don't care.

• 7:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're so gross. So you're driving me to the colonoscopy. We're at a stoplight.

• 7:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  And lately even really phlegmy, and I don't know if it's the, the air here in Austin, the allergies. And we're at a stop, stoplight and you're sneezing and you're sneezing and then you, you're doing this horking shit that you do as a dad. And then, and I see it in the corner of my eye, you're pushing the button for the window to roll down. And then you do like an old Chinese guy, you go, and then you hawk. Hark the loogie out of the car window, like an old man. It was so fucking disgusting.

• 8:23Tom Segura?

  Rop, rop.

• 8:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  So fucking disgusting.

• 8:27Tom Segura?

  I sneezed and what happened was when I sneezed super violently. All the snot came into my mouth and I had just, I had a mouthful of snot.

• 8:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 8:36Tom Segura?

  So it's like either spit out the window or just swallow it.

• 8:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, that's what a handkerchief is for. Gentlemen have handkerchiefs and you spit, you spit it. By the way, I have to kiss your mouth, you know that? I kiss your mouth. And it makes me think too, and, and, and what I realize is you don't wash your hands nearly as much as I thought you did.

• 8:55Tom Segura?

  Well, I don't, first of all, I never wash my hands after I pee. That's nonsense. You wash your hands before you pee. That's what I do. Cause my penis is clean. My hands are not.

• 9:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why don't I do before and after? Cause we can get piss on your hands.

• 9:09Tom Segura?

  No, it's fine.

• 9:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why is it fine? There's urine on your hand.

• 9:12Tom Segura?

  It's delicious, it's sterile, and it's good for you. I do not wash my hands after I pee. And you are a fool and you're letting the government tell you what to do if you do that.

• 9:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Psyops.

• 9:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah. So you, you wash your hands before you touch your delicate, beautiful.

• 9:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I agree with that.

• 9:27Tom Segura?

  Um, if I shit, I wash my right hand only, cause that's the hand that I wiped with. I don't wash my left hand.

• 9:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what? As a fellow disgusting human.

• 9:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'll take that. Cause I do that too. When I piss and I wipe, I just wash my right hand.

• 9:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then I don't even dry it off.

• 9:44Tom Segura?

  People are always asking me, why don't you wash the other hand? Why am I wasting all that water and soap and everything? It's insane.

• 9:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't think this, do you think there's a reason to wash both hands? Josh, I don't think there's a reason.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  I mean, the other hand kinda helps with the washing process, I feel like.

• 10:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 10:00Speaker 02

  Otherwise you gotta do, yeah, you gotta do one of those things. But I feel like that's not as thorough.

• 10:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like that.

• 10:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, Sean gives me a lot of grief about it.

• 10:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  About what?

• 10:10Tom Segura?

  How I wash and when I wash. And he's like, did you just wash your right hand? And I go, yeah, that's the one I used.

• 10:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're so vulgar and vile to your, there's people that work with you too. You fucking fart on them, you fart around them. By the way too, you've been ramping up your farts production.

• 10:26Tom Segura?

  This team has, like, they've stopped me multiple times and they're like, I like when you fart.

• 10:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody likes when you fart. Nobody.

• 10:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody likes when you fart. Nobody.

• 10:36Tom Segura?

  A lot of the staff has told me, like, it's awesome.

• 10:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what he's been doing too in the house? Is when you fart, it's bad enough that you fart all the time, all the time, all the time. Now you lay on your back and you pull your legs in the air.

• 10:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like the dye dye, and you're only wearing underwear. No shirt, nothing else, just your panties. And then you rip them and you do it in front of our children.

• 10:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they like that.

• 10:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  They do like it. But I told them, I said, don't do this in front of your.

• 11:01Tom Segura?

  The kids like it, the staff loves it. That's fine.

• 11:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  The staff does not like it.

• 11:04Tom Segura?

  They do like it.

• 11:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody likes it.

• 11:06Tom Segura?

  All right, here we go.

• 11:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody likes it.

• 11:08Tom Segura?

  Wait, what's that face, Niana?

• 11:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  She didn't like it.

• 11:11Tom Segura?

  She does too.

• 11:12Speaker 03

  To approve.

• 11:13Tom Segura?

  What are you talking about?

• 11:15Speaker 03

  I've, I just think farts are a little disrespectful.

• 11:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  I have to be fair across the board because I always get yell at Annie for farting. So.

• 11:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is Annie just freely farting now?

• 11:28Speaker 03

  Yes. Yeah, sometimes.

• 11:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, that went from zero fart policy to all the time now. That is crazy. He totally changed his tune with that.

• 11:38Tom Segura?

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• 14:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 14:16Tom Segura?

  Our opening clip is what I like to call any's inner thoughts. Here we go.

• 14:20Speaker 04

  Don't feel bad about lying to these hoes. I always lied to them. Right off rip. Shit, I'm broke. So soon before they start to shit, I'm broke, I'm unemployed. Now, let's start right there. We can build on that shit.

• 14:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool.

• 14:37Speaker 04

  Don't bring anyone mothering to this. Your mama in the fucking stand.

• 14:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Welcome.

• 14:42Speaker 05

  Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

• 14:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mom Segura.

• 15:29Speaker 04

  Don't feel bad about lying to these hoes.

• 15:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love it.

• 15:31Tom Segura?

  Um, yeah, I wish Andy was here, though. I could play his inner thoughts for him.

• 15:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Go compliment that bitch.

• 15:37Tom Segura?

  He's not here, yeah. Uh, but this guy's awesome. He's been giving out, he gives out unsolicited advice to other young men.

• 15:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 15:44Tom Segura?

  Who are in the, in the field, you know, dating.

• 15:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Doing the work.

• 15:48Tom Segura?

  Trying to make it work with ladies, and he gives them just great advice.

• 15:51Speaker 04

  Why y'all being sweet to a bitch and, and all kind and nice and trying to figure out this shit? Y'all trying to tell her what you think she wanna hear? I tell that bitch what she don't wanna hear. Ho, you are fucking replaceable, replaceable than a motherfucker, cuz I'm fucking him, bitch. Fuck going on with you? You're replaceable.

• 16:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 16:10Speaker 04

  You're not special, you're not unique, you can't count on me, I'm not reliable, you can't depend on me, and I can't count on you, and you're not reliable, and I can't depend on you, on bro.

• 16:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:20Tom Segura?

  That's tight.

• 16:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you, though?

• 16:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is definitely the game my father has run with women his entire life.

• 16:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it works.

• 16:27Tom Segura?

  It works.

• 16:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  With a certain type of broad.

• 16:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is their jam.

• 16:31Tom Segura?

  They love it.

• 16:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  They love it, cuz they're like, maybe I can, I love you, maybe I can change you.

• 16:34Tom Segura?

  How do I get approval?

• 16:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do I get the approval?

• 16:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do I get the approval?

• 16:39Speaker 04

  I'm gay.

• 16:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gay?

• 16:41Tom Segura?

  On game.

• 16:41Speaker 04

  Stop playing with me, real shit, real nigga shit.

• 16:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what my dad does.

• 16:46Speaker 04

  Y'all, y'all, y'all going about it wrong, y'all being nice to the bitch, but what, what, what really get her going and get her juices flowing is you being hard on the bitch.

• 16:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's exactly what my dad would say.

• 16:54Speaker 04

  Tell that bitch you don't give two shits about no hoe. I don't give a fuck about no bitch.

• 16:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 17:00Tom Segura?

  He does do that.

• 17:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  He, my dad does this a thousand percent to the hose. This is exactly how he got away.

• 17:04Tom Segura?

  And probably like this guy, your dad's got numbers, man.

• 17:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Numbers.

• 17:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 17:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, I've seen him do it. Like, I've seen him be like, I don't, I don't do this. Like, he, he'll just tell them straight up, no, no, no. But they come back. You're right. They want more.

• 17:20Tom Segura?

  So does that mean that someone like your dad, like, are they incapable of falling for someone? Do they ever fall for someone? Or is this just not even in their?

• 17:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm, they do. My father has, I think. But then they get bored and restless because real intimacy is not on the table. Like, it's not, they're not capable. And if there's a bump in the road, like, forget it. We're done.

• 17:39Tom Segura?

  Oh, right, right, right.

• 17:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's too much work. You're boring. It's too much work. It's either super boring or it's too much work and I don't want to do it.

• 17:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 17:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no long term. Wow.

• 17:48Tom Segura?

  It's cool.

• 17:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Totally, that's horrible. Whoa. And then I tried to get his approval too, as his daughter for years. You ever think about that fucked up game?

• 17:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 17:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, I'm so glad I didn't marry a guy like that.

• 18:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what I mean?

• 18:01Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 18:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I could have done that, Tommy. That could have been me.

• 18:05Tom Segura?

  Well, you ain't shit.

• 18:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you go.

• 18:06Tom Segura?

  You're replaceable as shit, bitch.

• 18:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I like that.

• 18:08Tom Segura?

  You ain't shit.

• 18:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  That would put, it would be like, ooh, it's too much, too close to the bone.

• 18:15Tom Segura?

  Anal, I guess. Would this make you happy? That's how you get a bitch to give you that asshole.

• 18:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure.

• 18:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  By the way, now that I've had colonoscopy clean, the day is now if we wanted to butt fuck because there's nothing in there.

• 18:28Tom Segura?

  If we wanted to, we want to.

• 18:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's nothing in there.

• 18:31Tom Segura?

  We want to and we're going to.

• 18:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Today? I just had the thing in my bee yesterday.

• 18:35Tom Segura?

  That's fine.

• 18:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Aren't you not supposed to butt fuck after?

• 18:37Tom Segura?

  No, no, the doctor said if you're gonna butt fuck, do it in the next forty-eight hours.

• 18:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you think gay guys have cleaner bees than we do?

• 18:44Tom Segura?

  I do. I think they empty themselves out more.

• 18:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, way more.

• 18:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Enemas.

• 18:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure.

• 18:49Tom Segura?

  Remember how routine when we had, uh, we, we, we asked Pierce?

• 18:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:52Tom Segura?

  Uh, he was just like, oh yeah, you just kind of flush it with warm water. You go through the routine. It's all comes out clear, ready to rock.

• 18:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 18:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  What am I missing out on? Then I guess.

• 19:01Tom Segura?

  You're missing out on a lot. We can figure it out today.

• 19:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  The gay community, their asses are clean like that all the time.

• 19:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You want to hear? Any other, any inner thoughts?

• 19:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Love to.

• 19:10Tom Segura?

  Hold on.

• 19:10Speaker 04

  They, they, they got all this trauma in.

• 19:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 19:13Speaker 04

  Let me tell you how men fuck up. They get married, they move in with a bitch.

• 19:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 19:19Speaker 04

  These hoes brainwash you into thinking that the only way you really gonna get treated right by them is if you run some paper. If you give them what the fuck they want, you pay for they nails, or pay for they rent, and keep a roof over their head, or pay their car note, take care of their kids, whether they yours or not. Think about the logic of this shit, bro.

• 19:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 19:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:41Speaker 04

  Most of these hoes ran through, they overweight, they, they not toned, they, they, they, they coochie all. No walls, no bottom. They, they, they got all this trauma in their life. They got all these fucking exes, they got high body count. Listen to me.

• 19:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:59Speaker 04

  They lazy, they selfish, they vain, they narcissist, they psychopath, they sociopath. They play the victim, they whine and cry.

• 20:07Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 20:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 20:08Speaker 04

  They moody, going on they cycle, coming off they cycle, going through menopause, they all the same, young, all the way to old.

• 20:17Tom Segura?

  How's their host?

• 20:17Speaker 04

  I told my motherfucking wife, she tripping in this, that and the other, and I was like, so whatever you go, whatever you do, motherfucker gonna expect you to pu- pull your motherfucking weight? Dead ass, a real nigga is.

• 20:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dead ass.

• 20:27Tom Segura?

  Hell yeah.

• 20:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wife.

• 20:28Speaker 04

  I can't speak for all them pussies and lames and cornies and goofies and green as fuck motherfuckers and beta males, I can't speak for them.

• 20:35Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 20:36Speaker 04

  I'm talking about the real niggas. Gonna expect you to pull your own motherfucking weight, twang? That shit is not worth that shit. That shit is worth investing into to hit it, hit it when you want it, hit it how you want it, hit it as long as you want it, and tell that bitch to leave, and then when she leave, when you want her to fucking leave. Now that's worth investing.

• 20:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hundred percent my dad.

• 20:55Speaker 04

  All that other shit.

• 20:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is spooky.

• 20:58Speaker 04

  That whole ass fuck shit.

• 20:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is spooky, my dad's a real N.

• 21:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  I didn't realize that. I was raised by a strong black man.

• 21:05Tom Segura?

  Oh shit.

• 21:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is a thousand percent his game.

• 21:07Speaker 04

  I'm talking about the real news.

• 21:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's what my dad is. It's crazy. Wait, did you hear the wife? He's like, I told my wife.

• 21:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  So he's married and he's doing all that, he's running game?

• 21:17Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah, I mean, that's just, what are you talking about? He's not some baby goofy ass fucking lame-o green bitch.

• 21:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dang.

• 21:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow. Wow.

• 21:27Tom Segura?

  Dude, this guy's rad.

• 21:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, it's terrifying.

• 21:30Tom Segura?

  I mean, this is, listen, if you're out there, if you're a young guy, if you're trying to like, what's going on with the ladies, this is who I would listen to. This guy's gonna set you up for success.

• 21:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, look, it's definitely a lane of courtship. Like, we've talked about this before with, what's his name, Tom? Blow me up, Tom.

• 21:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, he was an overweight radio DJ in Los Angeles.

• 21:50Tom Segura?

  Tom Lycus.

• 21:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tom Lycus. And his whole thing too is like, dump that bitch, don't spend a dime.

• 21:54Tom Segura?

  First date, he was like, take him to Burger King.

• 21:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 21:56Tom Segura?

  Right? Yeah. Like, bitch, this is all you're worth?

• 22:02Tom Segura?

  It's fucking super cool.

• 22:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  It works. It was with a certain type. Oh, how soon after a colonoscopy can I bottom?

• 22:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really important. Can you read that? My eyes can't.

• 22:12Tom Segura?

  Sure, sure. Uh, literally immediately. This actually might be the perfect time because you're as clean out as you can ever be.

• 22:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I was thinking, yeah.

• 22:18Tom Segura?

  Someone says you couldn't be more right. Listen, we are trying this tonight. We're trying.

• 22:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I'm a little worried now because...

• 22:26Tom Segura?

  No, no, no.

• 22:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on.

• 22:27Tom Segura?

  There's no worries.

• 22:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I haven't made a brown yet since my colonoscopy. Like, how long before I make a brown?

• 22:32Tom Segura?

  You got a while. You got a while. You got a while. Stop looking stuff up. We're gonna try it.

• 22:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Guys, Mother's Day is just around the corner. Speaking of awesome fathers, fathers that are real ends, what about the moms that are real out there? Get them the perfect four, my lipstick by Christina P. That's me. Go to christinap.com. You can get all four for the absolutely perfect, uh, Mother's Day gift. Buy it now so that it gets there in time.

• 22:57Tom Segura?

  Get that real bitch something for her day, you know? Tell that bitch thank you.

• 23:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tell that bitch. I thank a bitch. I'm wearing Berlin today. You fart more than anyone else. First, you're probably wrong. Second, there's an easy fix for smelly flatulence. I'm Dr. Tricia Pasticola and I'm a gastroenterologist and an instructor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. Wow. And here's how to avoid offending people with an ill-timed fart. Real legitimate G.I. studies have found...

• 23:18Speaker 03

  That farting anywhere from 10 to 20 times per day is normal. 99% of our intestinal gas is made of odorless gases like nitrogen, methane, carbon dioxide, but 1% contains sulfur and it's that sulfur-containing gas that makes farts smell so bad.

• 23:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm. That's your farts.

• 23:34Speaker 03

  So if you're worried about smelly flatulence before a high-risk social event, take a medication like bismuth salicylate or pepto bismol. These have been shown to reduce 95% of sulfide-containing gases and reduce symptoms of flatulence. There is some concern about salicylate toxicity if you take it regularly in the long term, but if you're just trying to ease your social discomfort for a day or two, by all means, take a dose by mouth up to four times a day beforehand. You might want to try this before a long flight. It's elementary physics. As altitude increases, air pressure, including intestinal air pressure, falls. So your intestinal gas has to expand. And at that point, there's really only one place for it to go. It's why everybody's gassy on an airplane. Who do you know who needs to hear this?

• 24:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  We've been talking about this for ages, why you get fartier on the flight.

• 24:23Tom Segura?

  Plain farts.

• 24:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's confirmed.

• 24:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Also, your farts do smell very sulfuric because you eat a lot of eggs. Yeah, they do. Your farts smell horrible. And because we've been together for 20 years now, I know your smells. Like, I know how they smell.

• 24:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, I bet if we... Okay, hear me out. If we did this as a game?

• 24:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know if I would be open to it. If we had everybody fart into a film container and then I were to smell, like, open it and smell it, I bet you I could identify my husband's fart.

• 24:53Tom Segura?

  You think so?

• 24:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Just on the smells alone.

• 24:57Tom Segura?

  Well, I think the staff's pretty excited about this. You guys ready to do that? Hell, yeah.

• 25:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tanner's up for it. I know Tanner's a guy.

• 25:06Tom Segura?

  Niana's down.

• 25:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, Niana's down.

• 25:08Tom Segura?

  You down to fart, Niana?

• 25:11Speaker 03

  I'm good.

• 25:12Tom Segura?

  I'm good. She does fart here. I've seen it.

• 25:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  You have?

• 25:16Speaker 03

  No.

• 25:17Tom Segura?

  She has a particular...

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Her corner in the garage where she goes.

• 25:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Yeah. There's a sign in there. It says, "Nia's Fort Corner."

• 25:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, that's nice.

• 25:26Tom Segura?

  That's nice to know.

• 25:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:27Tom Segura?

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• 26:11Tom Segura?

  It's absolutely fantastic smelling. I have their deodorant, I have their body wash, and now I smell delightful. And you are welcome to see me in person and take a whiff. Cremo also offers a wide range of other grooming products for men, including shave cream, beard oil, and shampoo. Head to Target, Target.com, to find Cremo's new line of antiperspirants and deodorants in the Italian Bergamo and Palo Santo scents. Once again, that's Target or Target.com. Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker, or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, Cigars International has you covered.

• 26:54Tom Segura?

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• 27:36Tom Segura?

  And the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply.

• 27:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, we've been, I've been asking other friends that we have married friends, whether or not they, their husband rips and blows ass in front of them. Not a lot do. Not a lot do. Honestly, like, not a lot.

• 27:54Tom Segura?

  Who says yes?

• 27:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, well, I can tell you the trussels don't blow ass in front of each other, Duncan and Aaron. I'm sure they'd be okay with me sharing that. They don't.

• 28:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, I kinda wanna, I don't wanna out people, but

• 28:07Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 28:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, Shawna and Jimmy are very close, my best friend since forever. They rip ass in front of each other.

• 28:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, good.

• 28:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  They've been together forever too, like we have.

• 28:16Tom Segura?

  Love, I see it.

• 28:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Real love. All the other couples that we're friends with, doesn't happen. It's disrespect. It doesn't happen.

• 28:23Tom Segura?

  I don't believe that. Um, so.

• 28:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Josh, do you fart in front of your lady?

• 28:27Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. 100%. But if she does, I shame her hardcore.

• 28:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so toxic. That's like that real end.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 28:36Speaker 02

  That's how you gotta do it.

• 28:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 28:37Tom Segura?

  Check this out, by the way. I'm so fascinated by this.

• 28:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Check this shit out.

• 28:40Tom Segura?

  The original, um, the original video of RPC is here, right?

• 28:46Speaker 06

  Black guys who love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy and you wanna fuck me at $23.95.

• 28:54Tom Segura?

  You can see where he's laying and all that stuff.

• 28:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  The Christmas decorations.

• 28:58Tom Segura?

  He just put up a new video. Look.

• 29:01Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm looking at guys that wanna fuck, man. He up to guys. $23.95 Wagner House, apartment 2C, building 18.

• 29:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's ramped up.

• 29:10Speaker 06

  Do what you wanna do, man.

• 29:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oof.

• 29:12Speaker 06

  That's right, $23.95 Wagner House, apartment 2C, building 18.

• 29:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm. He's, he's doing-

• 29:17Tom Segura?

  He got so excited, he, but, but then-

• 29:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's stumbling over his words.

• 29:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he's fired up again.

• 29:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Back.

• 29:25Speaker 06

  Do what you wanna do, man.

• 29:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's back into it.

• 29:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, hell yeah.

• 29:28Speaker 06

  I'm looking at guys that wanna fuck, man.

• 29:31Tom Segura?

  So cool. He has never wavered from who he is. That's my favorite thing about RPC.

• 29:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  And the real question is, has he ever found those guys who like to fuck and fuck good? Do they ever come over? Has he ever had it happen?

• 29:42Tom Segura?

  There's gotta be someone.

• 29:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's gotta be one guy.

• 29:44Tom Segura?

  What somebody?

• 29:45Speaker 06

  $23.95 Wagner House, apartment 2C, building 18.

• 29:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's been so many years. Somebody has to have taken up on this.

• 29:53Tom Segura?

  This is over a decade of this. Yeah.

• 29:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  And if you haven't, can somebody please take him up?

• 29:58Tom Segura?

  If it were me, I would be so sad if I had put out this ad.

• 30:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  This campaign for years.

• 30:03Tom Segura?

  And you're like, who's come over? I'm like, no one's ever come over.

• 30:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'd be so sad.

• 30:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, if you go to a bar and you just ask people out.

• 30:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'd be so bummed.

• 30:12Tom Segura?

  Eventually someone says yes, right? Like, there's gotta be some percentage of yes.

• 30:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then again, you know, his criterion's a little specific. He does like black guys who like to fuck and fuck good.

• 30:23Tom Segura?

  You don't have to be able to fuck good. Just fuck.

• 30:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just fuck. Are you out of jail?

• 30:28Tom Segura?

  He's just saying it's open to anything.

• 30:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  To any black guy. So all it is, is a black guy that likes to fuck.

• 30:32Tom Segura?

  He says Latinos.

• 30:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, and Latinos. So black and Latino, that's a, there's a lot of those in New York City.

• 30:37Tom Segura?

  Black and Latino neighborhood.

• 30:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Predominantly.

• 30:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, it's just.

• 30:42Tom Segura?

  I went there.

• 30:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, I remember. I can't believe you went there.

• 30:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we went there during the day.

• 30:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course you did.

• 30:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we were like, uh, people were, what are you guys making? We were like, we should fucking wrap this shit up.

• 30:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you remember how you felt like when you walked into his apartment for the first time?

• 31:01Tom Segura?

  I didn't, I didn't walk in. He didn't answer.

• 31:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's right.

• 31:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we rang the buzzer and he didn't answer.

• 31:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then how did you get to talk to him eventually?

• 31:09Tom Segura?

  He came, visited me.

• 31:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:11Tom Segura?

  In my, my unit.

• 31:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your room. Wow.

• 31:14Tom Segura?

  We fucked and we just had a good time.

• 31:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. He pay fucked you.

• 31:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was pretty great.

• 31:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got your rugi and you almost swallowed it there.

• 31:20Tom Segura?

  I don't, I didn't almost swallow it.

• 31:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. You're really into these rugis.

• 31:24Tom Segura?

  My rugis are awesome.

• 31:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. You know what? You should sew a rugi pocket in your jackets from now on. That's how much you love those rugis. A dedicated rugi pocket.

• 31:35Tom Segura?

  Yep. Pretty cool.

• 31:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  What flavor are you into right now? What are you doing?

• 31:40Tom Segura?

  Uh, this is.

• 31:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sparmit stuff?

• 31:42Tom Segura?

  Sparmit.

• 31:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you got your whole crew into them now.

• 31:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, everybody's on the rugis. Yeah.

• 31:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody's into the rugis.

• 31:48Tom Segura?

  I'm converting people too.

• 31:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  You are.

• 31:50Tom Segura?

  I've also had people who are like, oh, I do another brand. And I'm like, try the rugis out. Rogue.

• 31:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Rogue rugis.

• 31:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, my rogue rugis.

• 31:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dang.

• 31:59Tom Segura?

  So much better for you.

• 32:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is so much better for you. But I'm glad to see RPC's back at it. And he's so horny. Isn't there an age where this decreases? Like, don't you think he's at that point where the testosterone?

• 32:12Tom Segura?

  This is probably decreased for him. This is a, it took him years to put up another one of these.

• 32:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  We played the first video Josh wrote on the board here seven years ago. Seven years.

• 32:24Tom Segura?

  That had some age on it already.

• 32:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 32:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 32:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe a decade of this.

• 32:29Speaker 02

  At least.

• 32:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Call. Yeah, and he's still so horny and he looks exactly the same. He looks great.

• 32:35Tom Segura?

  Hell, yeah.

• 32:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Officer come dump looks amazing.

• 32:37Tom Segura?

  Officer come dump here. Yeah.

• 32:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  He never ages. RPC never ages. He just looks great. He's so horny, he's so fired up.

• 32:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's awesome.

• 32:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wish I had an ounce of this fired up.

• 32:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Total pig.

• 32:52Speaker 06

  Yeah, total pig. Officer come dump is. Officer comes up like it's wild, dirty and filthy. That's right. Officer come dump will take it like a man. I will bend down and you could bang me as you can. That's right. Officer come dump here. That's right. Waiting for you hardcore guys. Call me a call. You need relaxation. You need things. Let me take off my glasses and let me see what I'm talking to.

• 33:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Take off his glasses.

• 33:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that was cool.

• 33:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, there he is. Looks great.

• 33:21Tom Segura?

  Oh, wow. The, the, it's all, it's gone, he's a silver fox now.

• 33:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it looks great on him. And look at all the hats in the background.

• 33:28Tom Segura?

  King Donald Duck, orange man, Trump must be impeached now. He cut, he cut sec eight snap for people who can't survive on what they make. And also school lunch and breakfast and food banks. He wants the rich to live and poor to die. Vance and Musk has to go as well. I didn't realize he was so politically involved.

• 33:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  He is now.

• 33:52Tom Segura?

  Wow. Is this old or recent?

• 33:54Speaker 02

  Recent, yeah.

• 33:55Tom Segura?

  Wow, yeah. All countries in Middle East, no gas or fuel or food products or produce for America and Trump, Canada turn off electric to America.

• 34:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Quite a dissertation.

• 34:05Tom Segura?

  Wow, yeah, he's really fired up. And I didn't think that Officer Come Dump would be that.

• 34:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. No, he usually keeps it just to the neighborhood. You know, he talks about his stuff at Coney Island.

• 34:14Tom Segura?

  But I would think Officer Come Dump just talks about.

• 34:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Come.

• 34:17Tom Segura?

  Come and, and fucking.

• 34:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  But that's where you're wrong, Tommy.

• 34:20Tom Segura?

  But Officer Come Dump is talking about Palestine and, and the economy.

• 34:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's multifaceted and I think what you're seeing is he's developed as a talent. He's, he's gone creatively into different areas. What do you think all those hats are?

• 34:32Tom Segura?

  I like that necklace, Robert.

• 34:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it looks good on him.

• 34:34Tom Segura?

  Looks good.

• 34:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 34:36Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 34:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 34:37Tom Segura?

  Jesus, look at that physique.

• 34:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  He really does like black guys. Really? This is, this is, oh, oh, right.

• 34:44Tom Segura?

  There's a lot of.

• 34:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  His post. He's a cat guy too. Look, just like me.

• 34:47Tom Segura?

  Cats, him naked, black eyes.

• 34:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, I like all the same things he likes, you know?

• 34:52Tom Segura?

  True.

• 34:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cats.

• 34:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, George Foreman.

• 34:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  George Foreman.

• 34:57Tom Segura?

  Wow. Was that a rest in peace for George? Is that what that was? Like a?

• 35:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's when he died. Yeah, it doesn't really fit the other looks.

• 35:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sure he hooked up with George Foreman, you know? He's hooked up with everybody. He knows everybody. Remember that?

• 35:11Tom Segura?

  He likes Michael B. Jordan. That's a few times we've seen him posted. Oh, look, a white guy.

• 35:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh oh.

• 35:16Tom Segura?

  That's wild.

• 35:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  He likes some beefy.

• 35:18Tom Segura?

  He likes beefy guys.

• 35:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 35:19Tom Segura?

  Oh, look at those two black eyes.

• 35:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  And there he is with his face mask. That's what chicks do. They like to show themselves in face mask. They're like, oh my God, I'm so ugly right now. Stop. Oh, there he is. He's always rubbing his chest, rubbing his tits. Yeah. So fucking weird.

• 35:34Tom Segura?

  Face mask on.

• 35:35Speaker 06

  I'm in the Al's Department. You see Bill Day Team Line with 3503. Come on, man, and creamy all of us. That's hap- Hey, guys, man. You wanna do my face, man? You wanna creamy all of us?

• 35:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's what it is. He's showing you that you can come on his face. That's what he's using that for.

• 35:52Tom Segura?

  That's awesome.

• 35:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I ask you though, when you're aroused, are you rubbing your chest like that?

• 35:56Tom Segura?

  No, I don't usually do that. No.

• 35:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like a girl thing.

• 35:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Looks a little feminine.

• 36:00Tom Segura?

  Rubbing your tits and everything? No.

• 36:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 36:02Tom Segura?

  Not like.

• 36:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, there you go.

• 36:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, look at that black guy in a sweater. You like black guys in sweaters?

• 36:10Tom Segura?

  Ooh, there's a cop, cop hat on that guy. That's pretty cool.

• 36:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 36:14Tom Segura?

  Those are some beefy nipples he's got too.

• 36:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 36:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck dude, this is a hardcore.

• 36:19Tom Segura?

  Every cat deserves a home.

• 36:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 36:20Tom Segura?

  But not every home deserves a cat.

• 36:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  True. And he likes orange cats too, just like me.

• 36:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude.

• 36:25Tom Segura?

  Wow, a lot of similarities. A lot of similarities.

• 36:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I get him. I get him.

• 36:31Tom Segura?

  Damn, that's an aggressive photo.

• 36:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 36:34Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ.

• 36:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a big tit.

• 36:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's a big ol' tit.

• 36:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck dude.

• 36:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Well, he's definitely got a type. He never swayed from that either.

• 36:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nope. He's consistent. If nothing but consistent.

• 36:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Happy spring.

• 36:48Tom Segura?

  Happy spring. There's some cats you wanna fuck?

• 36:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, that's the thing is the, is the, is the, um, what's the word? Just the spread of interests. Like it's happy spring and then hardcore black guys and cats.

• 36:59Tom Segura?

  Human beings are complicated. We're not all just one thing.

• 37:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true. I don't wanna paint him with one brush.

• 37:04Tom Segura?

  Big tit again. Same guys.

• 37:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the same guy. Oh, even nine lives weren't enough with you. Oh, I agree. Especially orange boys are so special. I know, I love the orange guys.

• 37:16Tom Segura?

  Another George Foreman.

• 37:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  And like, who is he taking? Are these stock photos or are these people?

• 37:24Tom Segura?

  I don't think he knows them.

• 37:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's just Googling hot black guys and then putting them up on his Instagram?

• 37:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 37:31Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 37:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, and then there's Snoopy. So much.

• 37:35Tom Segura?

  I just wish one of these guys would go over there once.

• 37:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. Have you had sex with Robert Paul Champagne? Let us know. There's gotta be somebody out there.

• 37:44Tom Segura?

  Oh my God, I thought you were asking me for a second.

• 37:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would like to ask you.

• 37:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, if you have, that'd be awesome if you reached out to us and let us know.

• 37:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Somebody fuck him. I have to pee really bad. I drink a lot of water.

• 37:53Tom Segura?

  Alright, go for it.

• 37:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I guess what is this?

• 37:56Tom Segura?

  What is what? It's a camera.

• 38:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I pissed, but I didn't piss water out of my butt at the same time.

• 38:03Tom Segura?

  Hey, that's why your butt's ready for that ding dong.

• 38:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 38:08Tom Segura?

  Uh, by the way, we saw the, uh, the Minecraft movie.

• 38:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it was so cute.

• 38:13Tom Segura?

  A year ago, we visited the set. I took, uh, our oldest, Ellis, to visit the set and it was awesome.

• 38:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 38:20Tom Segura?

  And then we got to, uh, actually see the movie, which was great. It was a great movie.

• 38:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was such a good movie. I think they, they really served the children who play this game.

• 38:28Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah.

• 38:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then the odd adult that was in the theater where you're like, I shouldn't be in here without a kid.

• 38:35Tom Segura?

  The underworld is where I.

• 38:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  The Enderman, the Enderman. Um, Jason Momoa was amazing.

• 38:42Tom Segura?

  No, you wouldn't be able to.

• 38:45Tom Segura?

  Momo was hilarious.

• 38:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was so funny and Jack Black, fantastic job.

• 38:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was a really good movie. They did such a good job.

• 38:52Tom Segura?

  They really did.

• 38:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it was really fun. The boys loved it. We loved it. Look at him. I love the outfits they put on these people. Jason has, I love his pig jacket.

• 39:01Tom Segura?

  He had an awesome.

• 39:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  So funny. I didn't know he could do comedy.

• 39:03Tom Segura?

  Oh, he was great.

• 39:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's got good timing.

• 39:05Tom Segura?

  He's got great chops, man.

• 39:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it was a really good movie.

• 39:08Tom Segura?

  He played such a dummy. That guy was just a big dummy.

• 39:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 39:11Tom Segura?

  And it was really funny. Really funny.

• 39:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, take your kids to see this. I think if they're into the Minecraft.

• 39:17Tom Segura?

  I wore that wig. I have a photo of me in that wig.

• 39:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a really good wig. It looks like it could be his hair.

• 39:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's rad. He's, how big is he in real life?

• 39:25Tom Segura?

  He's big as fuck. He's so big. He's like 6'4", 235 and he's like.

• 39:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jesus.

• 39:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's a house man. Yeah, when you're, when you're, you're like, oh man, this guy's, most actors too are tiny when you meet them, you know? This dude's, yeah, he's huge.

• 39:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did he start as like a, an athlete before he was an actor?

• 39:43Tom Segura?

  I mean, he got discovered pretty young, uh, cause he was on, uh, one of the iterations of Baywatch, you know?

• 39:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shut up, really?

• 39:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's just this like Hawaiian kid and, um, yeah, he started.

• 39:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look at his dreads.

• 39:57Tom Segura?

  19, living in Honolulu, yeah. So, yeah, he was always pretty active though. Like he loves mountain climbing, you know? Like rock climbing and stuff. He's really good at it. Um, so he was always active with that.

• 40:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he was in, uh, Game of Thrones. He was banging the Khaleesi.

• 40:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what propelled him into, I think, Baywatch is like a step into the world of acting, but that's what made him really well known.

• 40:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, nobody's built like that guy. Holy mackerel.

• 40:28Tom Segura?

  He's, he's half German, half Hawaiian.

• 40:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow. Oh, look at him as a baby.

• 40:33Tom Segura?

  Genetics are pretty nutty. Yeah.

• 40:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's wild, dude.

• 40:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  What a, what a career, what a life. What a fun movie, though. He did such a great job.

• 40:41Tom Segura?

  Great job, yeah.

• 40:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was rad.

• 40:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Um, who was I gonna?

• 40:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  There was a, so I took the boys to see Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, the musical here, and there was like adults watching it alone, without kids, which is so weird. And then when we did the Padding-

• 40:58Tom Segura?

  That's even weirder.

• 40:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, it gets even weirder. When we were in London, I took them to the Paddington Bear Experience.

• 41:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  There were grownups there too, without kids. I'm like, what? But then I realized they weren't just any grownups. They were low IQ adults.

• 41:12Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 41:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's true.

• 41:14Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 41:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  They were low IQ. I'm not saying they were retarded. I'm saying that they were on the cusp, on the border.

• 41:21Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 41:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like there was-

• 41:22Tom Segura?

  Just above the line.

• 41:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh huh. And like, cause there's, there was this one part of the Paddington Bear Experience where you go into the kitchen. There's like, you know, the family kitchen and like the one adult that was alone, this guy, this low IQ adult. He was like picking up the fake phone. Yeah, it was in that room. And there's like a fake phone and he was like, like really laughing and pretending and like putting together the screws and that thing.

• 41:45Tom Segura?

  That's definitely-

• 41:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Low IQ.

• 41:47Tom Segura?

  That's on the line.

• 41:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not necessarily our word, but low IQ. And I'm noticing that more now as an adult.

• 41:51Tom Segura?

  Do you think there's low IQ adults that are-

• 41:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's very good, by the way.

• 41:57Tom Segura?

  Lower IQ than an actual

• 42:03Tom Segura?

  person with like downs?

• 42:06Tom Segura?

  I think so.

• 42:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think s-

• 42:09Tom Segura?

  Cause no, there's, there's except, there are exceptionally bright people who just have downs.

• 42:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Exactly, exactly. And like they can do-

• 42:17Tom Segura?

  Somebody just graduated law school.

• 42:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shut the fuck up.

• 42:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  With downs?

• 42:20Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 42:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which law school?

• 42:22Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 42:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like something online or something?

• 42:24Tom Segura?

  Hey, stop. It's pretty cool that they did it.

• 42:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's amazing. I didn't graduate from law school. Okay. So then, to be diagnosed as having mental retardation, a person must have an IQ below seventy to seventy-five.

• 42:37Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 42:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I know. So like a low IQ adult, what would a low IQ adult be?

• 42:41Tom Segura?

  Well, you got it right there.

• 42:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  But not necessarily downs, cause this guy at Paddington Bear averages about fifty.

• 42:48Tom Segura?

  Right, but some, some people are well above that with downs.

• 42:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  So wait a minute, genius downs people?

• 42:56Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah, they're exceptional.

• 42:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's rad. I bet my IQ is an exceptional Downs person.

• 43:05Tom Segura?

  Look, scores of 120 have been found in some people with syndrome. That's my point, that there's exceptional people in that, that fall into that category. Look at this person that just, honestly, that just got

• 43:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's awesome.

• 43:16Tom Segura?

  Graduated law school. There's somebody with Downs who just graduated law school.

• 43:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is, I did not know that.

• 43:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm a low IQ adult.

• 43:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn.

• 43:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, that's amazing.

• 43:33Tom Segura?

  She's a

• 43:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, the question is, do you want her to represent you?

• 43:39Tom Segura?

  Well, I mean, I'm sure she's gonna be hired by a practice that like puts her in a position where they can utilize some skillset of hers. They're not just gonna be like, hey, you run the firm, you know?

• 43:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe she represents other people with Down syndrome.

• 43:52Tom Segura?

  That's what she says, she wants to practice the disability law.

• 43:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's good.

• 43:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  That lady's not wearing the right bra.

• 43:58Tom Segura?

  I'll tell you this right now, 100% for sure, she's smarter than me. I couldn't do this.

• 44:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I dropped out of law school after two weeks, it was too hard.

• 44:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  And if she went to the same, if she's learning the same law I did.

• 44:10Tom Segura?

  If you were gonna hire one of the three of us as a lawyer.

• 44:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's the one.

• 44:13Tom Segura?

  She's the one.

• 44:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I didn't pass the bar.

• 44:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I know.

• 44:17Tom Segura?

  That's pretty, pretty incredible.

• 44:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's amazing.

• 44:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, now that I don't, I have breast cancer, I always look at other people's tits a lot even more now.

• 44:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, you see that woman behind her? She, that's a, she needs the right bra. It's not a big, that's not supportive at all.

• 44:32Tom Segura?

  That's great.

• 44:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  That tit looks terrible.

• 44:33Tom Segura?

  That tit doesn't look right.

• 44:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  She needs to, right, Niana? Niana knows what I'm talking about. It's too droopy.

• 44:40Tom Segura?

  Droopy tits.

• 44:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 44:42Tom Segura?

  Well, we got the biggest story that's come out of this show in the last couple of months.

• 44:51Tom Segura?

  This is pretty crazy.

• 44:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is it though? I feel like we saw this.

• 44:56Tom Segura?

  It's, well, I thought we were going as deep as it could go last week with our update with him, which was all this chaos, but of course it's hit new levels.

• 45:04Speaker 06

  On my way to hospital to get checked out just to make sure everything's okay, you know, smart thing to do. I'm standing, I'm walking and everything's going good. These guys are taking real good care of me. I'm in the ambulance now and, you know, just making sure everything's okay and hopefully, hopefully everything will be okay and I'm just standing and walking just fine. Um, just making sure everything's okay.

• 45:28Tom Segura?

  He got, he got into a brawl with those two guys, the landlords.

• 45:32Speaker 06

  My, uh, my foot was cut too and guys can check it out.

• 45:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh dear.

• 45:36Speaker 06

  So I'm just getting everything checked out, you know, just so my foot don't get infected. Uh, you know, just making sure everything's okay. I'm standing, walking just fine. So hopefully everything will be okay. Turning my pajamas here, ladies and my worker.

• 45:49Tom Segura?

  Worker.

• 45:49Speaker 06

  Okay, everybody.

• 45:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is he in an ambulance? Why is he strapped in?

• 45:52Speaker 06

  Scott trapped by James Myers.

• 45:53Tom Segura?

  For safety.

• 45:54Speaker 06

  Craziness.

• 45:55Tom Segura?

  Craziness.

• 45:55Speaker 06

  It's what it is, you know. So on my way to hospital.

• 45:59Tom Segura?

  So Scott, Scott and, um, James attacked him, he said. Those are the guys that were changing the locks. So now he's, uh, his mission last night, as of this recording, was to get back into his place, but they changed the locks on him.

• 46:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, we saw that last week.

• 46:16Tom Segura?

  We saw that. So here's how he's, he has a mission going. Okay.

• 46:20Speaker 06

  Um, so it's pretty crazy. The, uh, the cop on Sunday morning told me that I, if, if I wanted to, you know, and I need to get in the building and the owner, uh, you know, cannot give me keys and the landlords cannot give me keys, um, that I can, you know, break into the building. Yeah, you know, I gotta get into my building, you know? I got a candle burning. I gotta do what I gotta do.

• 46:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  A candle burning?

• 46:46Tom Segura?

  He's got a candle burning in his place, so.

• 46:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 46:49Tom Segura?

  So what he's doing is, uh, he's, he got a sledgehammer.

• 46:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:53Speaker 06

  There's a door. Nobody's letting me in. There's a sledge off to the side. I'm gonna now be entering the building. I'm not a violent dude. I just have to get my items.

• 47:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a bad charge.

• 47:05Speaker 06

  So I blew out the candle. Um, yes, candle was burning. Worker.

• 47:11Tom Segura?

  Worker. Worker's man, uh, you know, it's just how it goes, man. I understand what he's, he's dealing, dealing with there.

• 47:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Breaking in with a sledgehammer. Not a good one.

• 47:24Tom Segura?

  So then, he goes out. He went out after that. He's at a sports bar.

• 47:29Speaker 06

  Tony, you're getting arrested? Dude, that's fucked up.

• 47:36Speaker 06

  Damn, Tony. Dude, that's fucked up.

• 47:43Speaker 06

  Yo, free Tony, man.

• 47:45Tom Segura?

  Free Tony, man.

• 47:46Speaker 06

  Shit.

• 47:49Speaker 06

  Yo, you still owe me an autograph, man.

• 47:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dog.

• 47:51Speaker 06

  Yeah, what the hell?

• 47:55Speaker 06

  Where, out there? Oh shit, you got me?

• 48:00Speaker 06

  Damn, bro. Yo, good luck, bro.

• 48:05Tom Segura?

  This guy.

• 48:06Speaker 06

  Yo, officers, have a good one.

• 48:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn, bro.

• 48:10Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 48:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love that he recognized him.

• 48:13Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 48:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tony is now a huge celebrity.

• 48:15Tom Segura?

  So, he got, he went to jail.

• 48:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 48:17Tom Segura?

  And then about an hour later.

• 48:19Speaker 06

  Get me out of New York, just got arrested an hour ago, and this is why I love, this is why I love New York.

• 48:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 48:26Speaker 06

  I got arrested an hour ago, and I'm now released. And why I got arrested was because I ended up, uh, uh, blowing down my, uh, my landlord's door, the building door, just because he, uh, he wouldn't let me in, he wouldn't let me, he wouldn't give me any keys. So, I got arrested an hour ago, and I'm back in the bar. I'm a free man. I'm walking, baby. We out here in New York, baby, bill reform. Back on the streets an hour later. Here we go, watching the game, Florida. Florida, baby, come on.

• 49:03Speaker 06

  Let's go, worker.

• 49:05Tom Segura?

  Worker.

• 49:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:08Tom Segura?

  There's the same guy.

• 49:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, there's a fan, there's a fan, yeah. That was awesome that he met him later. Yeah, I mean...

• 49:12Tom Segura?

  He got to see the end of the game, which was really important.

• 49:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's all important. An hour later, he's out. I mean, here's the deal too, is like, he's just like, what, they just won't let me in, dude? Like, they took away my keys. Like, there's no other side to that story.

• 49:24Tom Segura?

  You think he could be a lawyer?

• 49:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you're right. Between the Downs lawyer and Tony Johns.

• 49:30Tom Segura?

  Who's?

• 49:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I rest my case.

• 49:33Tom Segura?

  Your honor?

• 49:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love that it's full circle with the fan.

• 49:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's drinking with that guy, dude.

• 49:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that guy's gonna get his autograph now.

• 49:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, he is. Good for Tony. Look, I'm glad he got out in an hour. We were worried that it was going to escalate to him ending up in jail. And I don't want him to go to prison. This is not good.

• 49:53Tom Segura?

  I know. I knew this jail was in the prospects.

• 49:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:58Tom Segura?

  What Scott and James, the landlords, need to do?

• 50:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 50:02Tom Segura?

  They need to hire full-time security.

• 50:03Speaker 06

  You need a security guard for your Saskatchewan business? We can have a security guard available 24/7. We can supply a security guard for your locked compound 24 hours a day, for your construction project.

• 50:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  For your construction project?

• 50:16Speaker 06

  Or if you want your business watched overnight. We can do short-term security or long-term security. Send me a message and let's get you a security guard.

• 50:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's get you a security guard.

• 50:24Tom Segura?

  I mean, when I think of a secure place.

• 50:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 50:27Tom Segura?

  I see this guy, I'm like, fucking hire him.

• 50:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tough guy.

• 50:30Tom Segura?

  Tough.

• 50:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's cracking skulls.

• 50:31Tom Segura?

  Experienced.

• 50:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Excuse me, you can't come in here. Why not?

• 50:34Tom Segura?

  Keep your-

• 50:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a private property.

• 50:36Tom Segura?

  Hands clasped. Looking for a security guard to protect your compound or something? Like, give me a call. Send me a DM.

• 50:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get out of here. You, you, you get out of here, sir.

• 50:48Tom Segura?

  Do you not see my badge?

• 50:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's so cute. Yeah, not very intimidating.

• 50:52Tom Segura?

  Excellent, excellent.

• 50:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not very intimidating.

• 50:54Tom Segura?

  See, if I were him, I would have outsourced the, uh-

• 50:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  The commercial.

• 50:57Tom Segura?

  The commercials.

• 50:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know who you hire? A guy that looks like Jason Momoa.

• 51:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 51:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you're like, what the fuck, dude?

• 51:02Tom Segura?

  And then you at least think that that's who you're hiring.

• 51:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 51:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, this guy needs to hire an actor. That's what actors are for, guys. Come on.

• 51:09Tom Segura?

  Um, okay.

• 51:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Come on.

• 51:11Tom Segura?

  I got some funny stuff to show you.

• 51:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I love it. Yeah.

• 51:13Tom Segura?

  Here we go.

• 51:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's go. Oh, my god.

• 51:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. Oh!

• 51:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  What the fuck, dude?

• 51:25Tom Segura?

  He was, I think he was aim, he was trying to do the shoulder.

• 51:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh-uh.

• 51:29Tom Segura?

  And he actually hit him here, which means he, he knocked him out.

• 51:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I, can I tell you something? I can see our sons doing dumb shit like this in 10 years.

• 51:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 51:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is what dumb boy, this is what boys do.

• 51:40Tom Segura?

  He completely missed the shoulder.

• 51:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you think?

• 51:43Tom Segura?

  He's trying to re- Oh, my god. And he hits him in the neck and he knocks him out. No.

• 51:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, side of the face, neck, total knockout.

• 51:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, that guy's dead, right?

• 51:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's unconscious. The guy lost his brain.

• 51:57Tom Segura?

  That was pretty horrible, guys.

• 51:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thanks for sharing.

• 52:00Tom Segura?

  This is gonna go well.

• 52:08Tom Segura?

  They never know when to let go.

• 52:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Never. Oh shit.

• 52:14Tom Segura?

  Dude, I knew that was coming. You let go on the way out.

• 52:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're stupid. You get the feeling. You have to feel that, dude. He does, he's got no rhythm. You gotta feel that vibe. Let's watch it again. What country is this?

• 52:29Tom Segura?

  So fucking.

• 52:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  He fucked up, homie.

• 52:31Tom Segura?

  Ah.

• 52:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  This looks like Europe somewhere.

• 52:33Tom Segura?

  He's drunk. Of course it's Europe.

• 52:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's Eastern Europe.

• 52:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  If I'm betting.

• 52:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is my truck. Yes, Croatia, of course.

• 52:43Tom Segura?

  Like, oh, right there, right there.

• 52:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, now. And he's drunk, yeah.

• 52:51Tom Segura?

  Holy shit. Fuck, man. Ribs, back. So lucky it wasn't head.

• 52:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's drunk, so he's relaxed.

• 53:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's fine.

• 53:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  He might be okay.

• 53:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  I could see them doing this in Hungary, too. Like, if they pull it down, they just put like a fucking, what is that? A crane?

• 53:14Tom Segura?

  Being a cunt to the horse.

• 53:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate horses. This is why I hate them. This is exactly why I hate horses.

• 53:26Tom Segura?

  That was direct to the dome, too.

• 53:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dude. Fuck horses.

• 53:29Tom Segura?

  She could be a low IQ individual now.

• 53:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure, dude. She's, she's passing the bar exam right now.

• 53:34Tom Segura?

  That was fucking right from the dome, dude.

• 53:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck this horse.

• 53:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I say something? Normally I defend the animal, but in this case, I bet you that horse is a real fuck.

• 53:52Tom Segura?

  She said it.

• 53:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 53:53Tom Segura?

  You're a fucking horse.

• 53:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause horse, horse girls are super nice. Horse girls are all about that life. They love animals. So for this woman to be like, fuck you, horse.

• 54:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  This horse sucks, dude.

• 54:02Tom Segura?

  This horse does suck. And the horse lets you know that you suck too.

• 54:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 54:13Tom Segura?

  You overshot it.

• 54:16Tom Segura?

  That was a human cannonball thing. Like, this is also definitely not in the States. There's no way.

• 54:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it is. I'm gonna go for like, south. Yeah dude, cuz look at the backpack. That's like a military, American backpack. Where is it?

• 54:30Tom Segura?

  I'm gonna say all new.

• 54:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Burger. No, this is America. This could be the south. This is like, fucking.

• 54:35Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah, Riverside.

• 54:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Riverside, California?

• 54:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's up?

• 54:39Tom Segura?

  He shattered his ribs and has a lacerated liver.

• 54:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course. That's Riverside.

• 54:46Tom Segura?

  And.

• 54:49Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 54:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sure he has health insurance. I'm sure they give it to him, yeah. How much do you think you get paid to shoot yourself out of a cannon at the Riverside County Fair?

• 54:58Tom Segura?

  Sixteen bucks?

• 54:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 54:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  You do it for the love of the game, for sure.

• 55:01Tom Segura?

  For sure. That's passion there. That's love.

• 55:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  This guy's fucking paralyzed.

• 55:05Tom Segura?

  Um, I wanted to bring about something that I am always amazed by Pajitski effects.

• 55:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh yeah.

• 55:11Tom Segura?

  But when we were together in London and we went out, we were in a store somewhere.

• 55:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 55:17Tom Segura?

  It blew your mind. And I was, I didn't know that was real at the time. That there's something called a spring jacket.

• 55:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 55:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I had no idea that there was an item called a spring jacket, meaning an item, like, a jacket you would just wear in the springtime. Because to me, that seems so wasteful. Like, why would I buy a jacket just for spring? I didn't even know people did that.

• 55:43Tom Segura?

  Like, the expression, a light jacket?

• 55:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  But that's what I thought it was. So I thought there was a light jacket, and then like, a winter coat.

• 55:48Tom Segura?

  Well, there are.

• 55:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then, a spring jacket? Are there summer jackets?

• 55:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know there's a winter coat.

• 55:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's summer jackets.

• 55:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I, I'm learning that for the first time, too.

• 55:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's a summer, a summer jacket?

• 56:00Tom Segura?

  Summer jackets usually just, you know, they have less lining, they breathe easier, yeah.

• 56:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did not know this, that there was a spring jacket. Never in my.

• 56:08Tom Segura?

  Never thought that there were jackets for different seasons?

• 56:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Only a winter coat.

• 56:12Tom Segura?

  That's it? There's only winter coats?

• 56:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because that makes sense to me. You should get a winter coat. A spring, can I tell you honestly, a spring jacket sounds superfluous, it sounds unnecessary.

• 56:22Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, why can't you just put on a sweater? It's like a waste of money to buy a spring jacket.

• 56:26Tom Segura?

  Got it.

• 56:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  So when the guy told me, "This is a spring jacket."

• 56:29Tom Segura?

  I saw your brain just short-circuit. I watched it, and you were like, "Whoa, whoa, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?" And he was like, "It's for the spring."

• 56:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  I had no idea that. But, to be fair, I think, Nayana, didn't you not know that too, or was it Heather?

• 56:42Speaker 03

  I had no idea.

• 56:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  See? I didn't really know either. I just kind of go, "It's a jacket or it's a coat." Right. That's for- It's all you need to know, really. That's a rich person, like a real bougie thing. Fancy people stuff. Yes. I'd never heard of it, because we never had this growing up. No way, a spring jacket. No, it's too bougie for me.

• 57:01Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 57:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now I'm all about it, though. I understand.

• 57:04Tom Segura?

  Gotcha. Um-

• 57:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  You knew this the whole time?

• 57:07Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 57:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why didn't you fucking tell me, dude?

• 57:09Tom Segura?

  I didn't think I had to.

• 57:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why don't you tell me? We're married for 20 years, you never tell me.

• 57:14Tom Segura?

  I didn't, I didn't think I had to.

• 57:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  It took you, it took you about 15 years to tell me it's not a sun visor, it's just a visor.

• 57:21Tom Segura?

  I mean, it never came up. Honestly, if it had come up earlier, I would have, yeah.

• 57:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  The other day, you let me walk around with food in my teeth, I was smiling like a donkey with lettuce in my teeth. You don't, you need to look out for me, dude.

• 57:32Tom Segura?

  I look out for you, what are you talking about?

• 57:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  None on these things.

• 57:35Tom Segura?

  The spring jacket thing never came up. I was never, I've never had an instance where I could have been like, "Oh, you know, it's a spring jacket."

• 57:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know you gotta educate me on, like, civilized people's shit?

• 57:44Tom Segura?

  But I mean, that just-

• 57:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know I don't know these things.

• 57:45Tom Segura?

  Okay, alright.

• 57:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  By the way, I'm, just seeing, I told you this, but I thought this was funny-

• 57:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  -to share. I'm relearning Hungarian.

• 57:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, 'cause I, I don't know, dude, I just think it's, whatever, it's time. And, 'cause I spoke Hungarian before I spoke English, and then I lost it, because my parents, once we came to America, were like, "Oh, no, no, we're American. You fuck this language, you don't speak this anymore." So I'm relearning it. And it's fascinating, because apparently, all the things I thought were just exclusive to my family being an asshole, like, we, I thought we were just assholes, it's cultural.

• 58:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they're like- You are assholes.

• 58:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  You were all assholes. And that's what I'm learning from my Hungarian tutor. She's like, oh no, that's just, you're just being Hungarian. And I was like, that fucking blew my mind.

• 58:25Tom Segura?

  Give me an example.

• 58:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, so first of all, so I was, I asked, we're, we're learning basic things like, how do you ask for a coffee? Szedetnek ed kavet. Szedetnek ed kavet. I would like coffee. Okay? And I go, well, what if I went to like a Starbucks and they say like, may I please have a coffee? And she's like, no, you don't, you don't say please. I'm like, what? Like, no, there's no need to say please. It's overly polite. Why would you say please?

• 58:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  They don't say please when you're like ordering from another human being.

• 58:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Even like little things like, you know, hand me, hand me that book.

• 59:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was like, can you say, please, like if I said it to my husband? Please have me.

• 59:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's like, that's too much. You don't need to say please. Just say, hand me the fucking book.

• 59:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's.

• 59:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so cool, right?

• 59:24Tom Segura?

  And she said that like all the cursing is not normal.

• 59:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Standard issue. And um, all the stuff that, yes, they curse like sailors. Everything is fuck, buzz, mag, this, fuck that, your mother's this, you did that. And that's like so normal. And we, we'd say it in, you know, tutoring and also too.

• 59:44Tom Segura?

  You say it in the tutoring sessions?

• 59:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because it's totally cultural. And even like, it's so fucked up because like these phrases I would hear all the time as a kid.

• 59:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, oh, they did shit. Like, hand me a beer. Like, my dad would tell me that all the time. Like, go get me a beer. Go get me a beer. Like, I knew that right away.

• 1:00:06Tom Segura?

  Get me a beer. He didn't say please, did he?

• 1:00:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, please. No, ledetsevish. No, just fucking do this.

• 1:00:12Tom Segura?

  Do it.

• 1:00:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  So culturally, we're dicks. It's very, but it's actually very liberating because I'm like, I just thought I was kind of an asshole. Like, why am I so rude? And, and because you've told me before, you're like, hey dude, you need to camouflage your face. People can tell if you don't like them. Can you, you know? Do you remember you told me?

• 1:00:27Tom Segura?

  See, looking out for.

• 1:00:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're looking out for me. Thank you. But I didn't realize it's just, she's like, yeah, you're Eastern European. That's what they are. And I'm like, oh, it's such a relief, you know?

• 1:00:35Tom Segura?

  Smile, smile like a donkey.

• 1:00:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  You do not smile and you don't laugh or smile unless there's like a real reason. And you're not friendly to people in public. Like if someone just starts talking to you, they're like, what the fuck?

• 1:00:45Tom Segura?

  Well, do you remember that there was like that clip, you, I think you shared it with me. Where it was a guy on the streets in Moscow.

• 1:00:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:51Tom Segura?

  And he was like, would you like to be happy to like all these different Russians? They were like, no.

• 1:00:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck off. Get out of my face.

• 1:00:59Tom Segura?

  Do you want happiness? And they're like, get out of here.

• 1:01:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get out of here. No.

• 1:01:02Tom Segura?

  Everybody said no.

• 1:01:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. Yeah, we're very friendly people. The Americans, the English, Western Europe is way friendly. Not all of them, the French are rude as shit.

• 1:01:10Tom Segura?

  They're kind of cunts, yeah.

• 1:01:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Germans are kind of abrupt too. But Eastern European, a hundred percent, like you're encouraged to kind of be a dick.

• 1:01:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I asked her too, I was like, is that because of communism? Like, did the Russians crush our joy? Like prior to that, were we like nice? She's like, no, I see Eastern Europeans, just with these.

• 1:01:29Tom Segura?

  Just how it is. The, um.

• 1:01:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no please. You don't say please.

• 1:01:32Tom Segura?

  Our youngest asked me yesterday or the day before. He goes, you've been doing Italian now for a while. Do you speak Italian? I was like, I mean, better than I used to. He's like, but you don't, you're not like perfect. I don't know.

• 1:01:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stupid.

• 1:01:48Tom Segura?

  He was like, why do you keep doing it? I'm like, cause I like it. I like trying to learn. Yeah. He's like, you keep doing this Italian. I was like, yeah, I'm trying, man.

• 1:01:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Such a little dick lately.

• 1:02:01Tom Segura?

  So I guess Zolo told me, I guess we played this guy a few years ago. And there's an update. So you're going to kind of recognize maybe the old image of him that's in this clip. And then there's nothing better than jail videos, right?

• 1:02:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, the best, yeah.

• 1:02:17Tom Segura?

  So here's, here's what's going on.

• 1:02:19Speaker 04

  My name is Jason Bukovich and for those of you that are new to this channel or don't know

• 1:02:23Tom Segura?

  That's him in the background.

• 1:02:24Speaker 04

  I was sentenced to 23 years in prison for tracking down and assaulting men that had crimes against children.

• 1:02:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good.

• 1:02:30Speaker 04

  And since that day, I've been known as the Alaskan Avenger. And now my life has been given purpose by uplifting young ones and helping families whose children have been assaulted.

• 1:02:40Tom Segura?

  So he would put it upon himself to learn of somebody who had committed a crime against a child and then going and assaulting that person.

• 1:02:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Great. What state did he get convicted in?

• 1:02:49Tom Segura?

  I guess Alaska.

• 1:02:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, come to Texas, son. We'll give you a Medal of Honor.

• 1:02:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're in the wrong state, my man.

• 1:02:55Speaker 04

  I gotta tell you, it feels pretty good to get up in the morning and not be in prison anymore. Now, when me and the boys were doing time, we used to think to ourselves, man, it would be dope if Alaska did conjugal visits, wouldn't it? I'd have my girl come right now. But there's a lot of dudes you do time with that shouldn't be around any girl at all, much less an older woman. And then, hmm.

• 1:03:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:03:20Speaker 04

  Wait a minute, what? Now, let me break this down for you. I think I'm gonna need to put on my shades. Now, God bless this sweet woman, but this is David Brinson, who was doing multiple life sentences with no chance of parole, plus 20 years, because he's a mass murderer. And when you live like this for the rest of your life, let me tell you what you tell a woman that's given you some attention. Anything you can to get her to come in for the conjugal visit. And from the heart, God bless this sweet woman who has now passed away, but check it out. Ladies, don't go do conjugal visits with mass murderers inside penitentiaries, because you know why? They might do things like strangle you, cut you up into little pieces, they might even

• 1:04:02Speaker 04

  cut your scalp off and try to put it on and escape out of the prison.

• 1:04:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shh.

• 1:04:07Speaker 04

  And you know what? For sure, rest in peace to that poor lady who went to see the mass murderer and got strangled. Damn, how come I couldn't get a conjugal visit when I was down? I guarantee she would have left sticky and confused and very happy.

• 1:04:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Attaboy.

• 1:04:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, pretty cool.

• 1:04:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm a huge fan.

• 1:04:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's cool. I like him.

• 1:04:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I like him too. Yeah, he's in the wrong state.

• 1:04:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, well, he's free. He's doing his thing.

• 1:04:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, move to Texas, do your thing here.

• 1:04:33Speaker 04

  Oh, shit. Is this 6:18 in the morning? It's Monday morning, I gotta go to work.

• 1:04:47Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 1:04:50Speaker 04

  Oh my God, is it Monday morning already? We're gonna do this again. And this might seem basic to you, but if you're out there, even if you got one of these,

• 1:05:02Speaker 04

  always brush your teeth.

• 1:05:03Tom Segura?

  This is good advice.

• 1:05:04Speaker 04

  Makes you look good.

• 1:05:05Tom Segura?

  I'd hire him.

• 1:05:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:07Speaker 04

  Helps you out in job interviews. Now, even though I'm just a tatted up, middle aged guy, I do care about style, so. Which one do you think goes better with sawdust? This one? Or this one? Yeah, you're totally right. I'm gonna go with this one. Now, tell the truth, is it weird that I vacuum my room before I go to work? I like it clean when I come home.

• 1:05:29Tom Segura?

  That's some real jailhouse shit, I think, yeah.

• 1:05:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it taught him discipline. It looks like he likes that regimented life. I, I hope he's successful. I think, I mean, he's got a nice place. He takes good care of it. He takes care of himself.

• 1:05:40Tom Segura?

  I'm glad somebody hired him. It's somebody who obviously knows his story and they were like, yeah, that's not that bad.

• 1:05:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:05:45Tom Segura?

  Fucked up child. That's cool.

• 1:05:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's awesome.

• 1:05:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, we like this guy. Didn't we try to add money to his commissary and everything?

• 1:05:52Speaker 02

  Back in like 2020, when he first got arrested, we found out about him and tried to send him money. And he got sentenced to 28 years. I think he only did like six.

• 1:06:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good.

• 1:06:02Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, it was cool. He was going around with a hammer and beating these guys up with it. Yeah, it's really fucking them up bad.

• 1:06:08Tom Segura?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:06:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love it.

• 1:06:10Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's another story like this. Kane Velasquez, the, uh, the former UFC champ, heavyweight champ. He attacked and assaulted a guy who had, I believe, uh, done something to his niece. But he's now only gonna serve. He got sentenced to four years and I think he's two years in. So he's gonna get out in like two years.

• 1:06:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Great.

• 1:06:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think you should be absolved.

• 1:06:35Tom Segura?

  And most people were just like, why are we?

• 1:06:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why are you even convicting that? I mean.

• 1:06:40Tom Segura?

  That's the last guy you'd want to show up.

• 1:06:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course. There should be open season on these predators.

• 1:06:46Tom Segura?

  I agree.

• 1:06:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Open season.

• 1:06:47Tom Segura?

  For children?

• 1:06:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Absolutely.

• 1:06:49Tom Segura?

  You should be allowed to.

• 1:06:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  You should be allowed to. Absolutely. No fucking way.

• 1:06:52Tom Segura?

  I mean, look, what's more precious than a baby, man?

• 1:06:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  My name is Phil and I-

• 1:06:57Speaker 05

  I like to dress as a baby.

• 1:07:00Tom Segura?

  Sweet little boy.

• 1:07:01Speaker 05

  Sadly, Phil has been forced to keep his lifestyle choices a secret.

• 1:07:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sadly, why? You should be.

• 1:07:07Speaker 05

  One of the hardest things for me is having to hide my lifestyle, living as a baby.

• 1:07:11Tom Segura?

  Well, now we know.

• 1:07:12Speaker 05

  I don't want to affect my work. I don't want people to think I'm a weirdo.

• 1:07:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you are.

• 1:07:15Speaker 05

  To me, it's just normal.

• 1:07:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:19Speaker 05

  It takes away all the stress of being an adult.

• 1:07:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:22Speaker 05

  I don't have to worry about bills and things like that.

• 1:07:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:25Speaker 05

  I just have to worry about things that children worry about.

• 1:07:28Tom Segura?

  He looks like he's a blue collar guy. I think they're gonna be real cool at the.

• 1:07:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  The construction site?

• 1:07:32Tom Segura?

  At the work site, yeah.

• 1:07:34Speaker 05

  I color books. I watch kids' films, play with children's toys. So usually I'd make Phil something fresh, like a blended bacon sandwich.

• 1:07:42Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:07:43Speaker 05

  But it's hard when it's like this, so I'm just doing this for now.

• 1:07:46Tom Segura?

  Oh, oh, some babysitting.

• 1:07:48Speaker 05

  I actually enjoy running around after Phil. We've never had kids of our own and we don't plan to.

• 1:07:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:07:54Speaker 05

  So it's kind of like being a parent, but without the pain of giving birth.

• 1:08:01Tom Segura?

  See, he seemed like a perfect match. She's having fun doing it, too. Would you like to do this with me? You could change my di-di and give me a bath and feed me my food. Meow, meow, I want pussy, meow.

• 1:08:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have so many.

• 1:08:19Tom Segura?

  Such my pee-pee.

• 1:08:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  So many feelings. Oh, shit, he, that's, that's. That's what she does, right? She's, after he pees.

• 1:08:27Tom Segura?

  It's hard now.

• 1:08:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:28Tom Segura?

  Wah.

• 1:08:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the part that's fucked up, is that they fuck after this, right?

• 1:08:32Tom Segura?

  For sure.

• 1:08:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like this. You know what?

• 1:08:36Tom Segura?

  And then he comes and he goes.

• 1:08:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alright, I don't like it. Also, I don't like that everybody has to be out with their sexual proclivities. I think having some shame and keeping it hidden is totally fine.

• 1:08:47Tom Segura?

  Just not letting it out?

• 1:08:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why do you have to, why does everyone have to be out with everything?

• 1:08:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's some things that are shameful, society frowns upon. Keep that shit hidden, dude.

• 1:08:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Keep that shit hidden. Why does he have to be out? Why do I have to know what makes his dick hard in his diaper? I don't want to know.

• 1:09:05Tom Segura?

  He made a TV show about it.

• 1:09:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god, he was to keep it a secret, yeah.

• 1:09:08Tom Segura?

  I don't know if they're gonna accept me. Here's a fucking camera crew in my house.

• 1:09:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh god, it's crazy. Yeah, he did that in front of cameras.

• 1:09:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they're all gonna know now. That's what I, every time I watch one of these shows, like, I just don't want anyone to find out. Like, what are you, you're on television.

• 1:09:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, it's like Meghan Markle, like, oh, I don't want everybody following us. And then she makes Netflix shows.

• 1:09:28Tom Segura?

  It's insane.

• 1:09:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is insane.

• 1:09:30Tom Segura?

  Totally insane.

• 1:09:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, if I were into anything like this, I would keep it such a secret.

• 1:09:34Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:09:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, I'm ashamed of the normal stuff you and I do, you know what I mean?

• 1:09:39Tom Segura?

  You are?

• 1:09:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I mean, I wouldn't, I don't share everything we do with people, it's weird. Oh, it's so gross, I hate it. And also-

• 1:09:51Tom Segura?

  Where's my passy?

• 1:09:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm glad these fools don't have kids. But once you do have kids, you're gonna get sick of watching those movies right quick. You're gonna get sick of cleaning up.

• 1:10:00Tom Segura?

  No, they wouldn't be doing this.

• 1:10:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You wouldn't be doing that, you mean, but-

• 1:10:02Tom Segura?

  Well, actually, they wouldn't, wouldn't be able to.

• 1:10:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you can't do shit with them.

• 1:10:06Tom Segura?

  Um, wanna see something cool?

• 1:10:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Always.

• 1:10:17Tom Segura?

  Little protest?

• 1:10:25Tom Segura?

  He's dead.

• 1:10:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh-uh.

• 1:10:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 1:10:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just from that?

• 1:10:31Tom Segura?

  Well, that high-powered water hose hit him in such a way that his head hit that concrete, yeah.

• 1:10:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  What country is that?

• 1:10:39Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 1:10:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't think that's America, right?

• 1:10:42Tom Segura?

  Let me see, where is that? It's in Tuesday, it's a Tuesday, it's in Turkey.

• 1:10:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:10:48Tom Segura?

  Water cannon, uh, he died.

• 1:10:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh no, they're in such turmoil right now, those poor Turkish ones.

• 1:10:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is why they shouldn't let people protest. I think you should.

• 1:11:01Tom Segura?

  Dude, look how hard, look how hard this is like, yeah, hit me with that water. Boom.

• 1:11:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, these poor people.

• 1:11:09Tom Segura?

  Those things rockets at you, you know? I was in, um, in the central plaza in Madrid when they won the European Cup. This is in 2001 and everybody was in this plaza and they sent out the riot cops with the water cannons and the pellet bags, like shotguns that shoot. Man, I got out of that shit. So I was hauling, but I was watching people get sprayed down with them.

• 1:11:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get the fuck out of there. You see the cops coming. Leave, dude.

• 1:11:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Leave.

• 1:11:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why are you gonna hang out for this shit?

• 1:11:41Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:11:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, run.

• 1:11:43Tom Segura?

  Pretty crazy.

• 1:11:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Run fool. No way. These Turkish police, you think they give a fuck? Countries.

• 1:11:50Tom Segura?

  They don't give a fuck.

• 1:11:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Problems.

• 1:11:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dude. Turkish prison.

• 1:11:55Tom Segura?

  Turkish prison. Um, if you don't know, I put some fall dates on sale. Uh, the summer will be down for me, but there's a bunch of new cities for the fall. Uh, they're at tomsegura.com/tour. I'm hitting a whole bunch of different cities in, let's see. Where are we going?

• 1:12:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you going to Anchorage?

• 1:12:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I am going to Anchorage. Uh, that's coming up soon, but in the fall, yeah, I have Akron, Daytona, West Palm, Clearwater, Fort Myers, Allentown, Poughkeepsie, Mashantucket, Newark, Brooklyn, uh, Long Island, Hanover, Gary, Indiana, West Lafayette, Fort Wayne, Bloomington, Amarillo, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Green Bay, Pasadena, Vegas, Long Beach, Freont, Tacoma, Oakland, Huntsville, Birmingham and Columbia.

• 1:12:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pocland, California.

• 1:12:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Phil, Allo Snatcha.

• 1:12:48Tom Segura?

  I'm very excited. Oh my God. This is the thing I wanted to bring about. Um, so just over the last week, I did a couple of shows. I did Oklahoma City and Houston. When I got to Oklahoma City, this was on the wall.

• 1:13:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 1:13:03Tom Segura?

  A photo that just says, you get the glove. And then they had like 25 gloves hanging from the wall.

• 1:13:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God.

• 1:13:09Tom Segura?

  And then they made an entire display. Um, like, look at that wall. That's one of the walls. Then they had this, uh, entire display of a movie poster, a movie poster called Glove Actually.

• 1:13:24Tom Segura?

  And it's Jennifer Aniston in me. And it had movie reviews and the log line of what the movie was. Uh, what does it say here? A movie so unexpected, even Jennifer Aniston, uh, probably didn't know she was in it.

• 1:13:40Tom Segura?

  Glove actually is absurdly bad. It feels less like a movie and more like an elaborate prank. Tom Segura is playing on the entire audience. Um, but if you go to the, I don't know if you can see on the other side there, or it might be in the video. It has the log line of the movie. They wrote out the entire log line of the film.

• 1:13:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is crazy.

• 1:13:59Tom Segura?

  Where it tells you what the film is about and it has a one star review. And 1% on rotten tomatoes.

• 1:14:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's awesome.

• 1:14:09Tom Segura?

  But Vince, the glove di Lorenzo is a used car salesman in Oklahoma city. Who thinks his lucky red sports glove is the key to closing every deal. When Jennifer Aniston walks in looking for a fancy car, Vince goes all in using his glove to seal the deal. But when he thinks, when he takes things too far, like offering her an ice cream sundae to sweeten the deal. The situation spirals out of control. In the end, Vince discovers that the real magic isn't in the glove. It's an honesty connection and maybe a little over the top salesmanship. One out of 10 on IMDb, 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. The comedy drama hybrid of the year.

• 1:14:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's beautiful.

• 1:14:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Well, whoever

• 1:14:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is great.

• 1:14:50Tom Segura?

  Did this in Oklahoma city, I just want to be clear when I tell you this. You get the glove.

• 1:14:59Tom Segura?

  Great job, man.

• 1:15:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  So elaborate. They painted that on.

• 1:15:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, that's not just a poster, you guys. That's painted on the bricks.

• 1:15:07Tom Segura?

  It's insane.

• 1:15:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Backstage. That's amazing.

• 1:15:08Tom Segura?

  They did an incredible job.

• 1:15:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so funny.

• 1:15:10Tom Segura?

  Uh, Aniston, I'm sure is gonna have the same reaction as us.

• 1:15:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's gonna love it.

• 1:15:14Tom Segura?

  Elated.

• 1:15:16Tom Segura?

  Uh, but yeah, thank you so much for doing that. Um, the OKC crowd, I have to just say was fucking unbelievable.

• 1:15:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  You said that. You had so much fun.

• 1:15:23Tom Segura?

  You just never know. You never know. And they were unbelievable. One of the best shows of the whole tour.

• 1:15:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's awesome, genius.

• 1:15:29Tom Segura?

  All right. That's it. We gotta run.

• 1:15:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, what's everybody?

• 1:15:32Tom Segura?

  What's everybody? Love you. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening.

• 1:15:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  You get the glove.

• 1:15:37Tom Segura?

  See you next week.

• 1:15:49Speaker 04

  I watched what happened in Brexit. S A R T. The word was fart, fart, fart, fart. S A R T. The word was fart, fart, fart, fart. S A R T. The word was fart, fart, fart, fart. S A R T. The word was fart, fart, fart, fart. S A R T. S A R T. S A R T. S A R T. The word was fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart. Why isn't the government talking about how to retain skilled labour? Why isn't the infrastructure minister talking about how to implement infrastructure funds and get construction workers back to work in Alberta? Why does this government treat Alberta like a fart in the room? That nobody wants to talk about or acknowledge?

• 1:16:33Speaker 04

  S A R T. Laughing at me. Fart, fart. S A R T. And they're laughing at you. S A R T. Laughing at me. Fart, fart. S A R T. We watched what happened. Fart, fart, fart, fart. I watched what happened. Fart, fart, fart, fart. We watched what happened. Fart, fart, fart, fart. Oh, and by the way, constituents. Point of order. Point of order. Point of order. Point of order. Point of order. Point of order. Laughing at me. Fart. Laughing, laughing at me. Laughing at me. Fart. Laughing, laughing. Laughing. Laughing at me. Fart. Laughing, laughing at me. Laughing at me. Fart. Laughing, laughing. Laughing. We watched what happened. Fart, fart, fart, fart.

• 1:17:18Speaker 04

  I watched what happened. Fart, fart, fart, fart. We watched what happened. Fart, fart, fart, fart. Oh, and by the way, constituents. Fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart.