Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801

Missed YMH Live X? Witness our BEST Live yet at https://livestream.ymhstudios.com/ Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: Go to http://helixsleep.com/YMH for 20% Off Sitewide. Try VIIA! https://viia.co/YMH and use code YMH! Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://bluechew.com! Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code YMH -- just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.squarespace.com/MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code MOM. In this jam-packed episode of Your Mom's House, Tom and Christina welcome the one and only Andrew Schulz! Before Schulz joins the Main Mommies, we open the show with a cool gal talking some shit about her jealous mom, before Tom shares his deep affection for Chicago, and Christina reflects on her steamy sex dream where she and Tom were both Black (yes, you read that right). They also celebrate the return of YMH Live X, discuss an outrageous encounter with a fat and gay flight attendant and react to some truly mind-blowing clips—including a loser who's married to a mannequin. Andrew Schulz next joins in and opens up about his new comedy special, LIFE, his approach to storytelling, and his exciting journey into fatherhood. Things get real as the group shares miscarriage horror stories, blending raw honesty with some dark laughs. The chaos continues with a deep dive into Temptation Island Spain, the internet sensation Montoya, the wild content on the Zeus Network, and some guy named Aaron the Plumber who fights transwomen. Don’t miss it, Jeans! Your Mom’s House Ep. 801 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:00 - Opening Clip: Jealous Mom Hate 00:00:00 - YMH LIVE X 00:00:00 - Chicago 00:00:00 - Christina's Hot Black Dream 00:00:00 - Black Hawk Down/What Jennifer Did 00:00:00 - The Fattest And Gayest Flight Attendant 00:00:00 - 50 Year Old Loser 00:00:00 - Andrew Schulz & Pregnancy Horror Stories 00:00:00 - Tom & Christina's Kids 00:00:00 - Comedic Scene Shifts 00:00:00 - TradWife Trend 00:00:00 - Dad Things 00:00:00 - American Stand Up & Storytelling 00:00:00 - White Loyalty & Wu-Tang Favors 00:00:00 - Just Dudes Telling Dudes Stories 00:00:00 - Temptation Island Spain 00:00:00 - Aaron The Plumber Fights People 00:00:00 - Sam's Tailor 00:00:00 - Wrap Up 00:00:00 - Closing Song - "WTF Is Eco-Sex" by Gaping Dad Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Segura?

  What's a first date like ideally for you?

• 0:02Speaker 01

  You're taking me to bone. To come on in.

• 0:05Tom Segura?

  Do you guys wanna know the secret? This is the best YMH live I've ever done. You will see when you watch this show that we spend all the money. One of the top OnlyFans content creators, Alexis Fox. Trust me, they see every part of me. You're not crazy?

• 0:24Tom Segura?

  I want you to choke me later. I just wanna get hard without pills. I think Duncan might wanna fuck me. That's okay. Hi Amanda, this is Tom Segura. You're on YMH Live and congratulations, you just won $10,000.

• 0:39Tom Segura?

  He has been posting that he is reaching out porn stars and wanting to shoot a scene with them.

• 0:45Speaker 02

  She just texted me and she said, "I'm watching, I'll do the scene." Hello? Alexis! Alexis!

• 0:50Tom Segura?

  Let's do this shit. For the heavy segment, everybody, you know what to do.

• 0:56Tom Segura?

  Fuck right off? Damn. Yo!

• 0:58Speaker 03

  Fuck dude. She's doing her, she's doing herself. Was not expecting people wearing their insides on the outside.

• 1:07Tom Segura?

  I hate this fucking show, I hate all of this shit. This is crazy.

• 1:11Speaker 03

  He came twice, though.

• 1:14Tom Segura?

  He did.

• 1:19Tom Segura?

  Honestly, I'm into it. I'm excited to kick off my UK and Ireland tour this weekend. I'll be in Dublin this Saturday, March 15th at Three Arena, Belfast for two shows at Waterfront Hall on March 16th. First show is sold out, we added a second show, Manchester at AO Arena, March 19th, London at OVO Arena Wembley, March 20th, Glasgow at OVO Hydro, March 21st, Nottingham at Motorpoint Arena, March 22, and Cardiff at Utilita Arena, March 23. Get your tickets at tomsegura.com/tour. I'll see you guys there.

• 2:05Tom Segura?

  What's everybody? I'm just looking to laugh today. If you wanna take your bra off and send me a picture, have fun with it.

• 2:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  But only if you're above 18.

• 2:15Tom Segura?

  Of course. I want you to be a high school graduate. And then you're in the category of which I will laugh and nothing else.

• 2:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody knows that boobs make guys lol.

• 2:28Tom Segura?

  That's what we're always just like.

• 2:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what you love.

• 2:32Tom Segura?

  Look at these perfect tits.

• 2:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you think that the king had an overwhelming response to his plea? Like, is that why he's making these videos? Is there just like two girls, the lot lizards that?

• 2:44Tom Segura?

  No, he did not have an overwhelming response. But I do think, I think he got more than you think.

• 2:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 2:52Tom Segura?

  Here's the thing, everyone's looking for a something.

• 2:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 2:55Tom Segura?

  And some attention in some way.

• 2:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 2:57Tom Segura?

  And so to some lady out there, the fact that this guy had followers and people commenting, he was probably, they were probably like, oh, this guy, you gotta get a little clout, interacting with him.

• 3:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:11Tom Segura?

  He probably had a few hotties, I think. Not like 10s.

• 3:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right. Not like our standards.

• 3:17Tom Segura?

  No, no. Like, hot for him, you know, one of those things.

• 3:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, hot for him.

• 3:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's wild. Just so you know, we're talking about the king, the king. He had an account that was for queens above 18.

• 3:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he would put out calls for girls to show him, show him their boobs to make him laugh.

• 3:33Tom Segura?

  Is he in here?

• 3:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then he had merch, remember when he was selling merch? And he's like, you gotta send me an email and then I'll email you back and you write your address and then send me a check. What?

• 3:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, his thing was, he was like, alright.

• 3:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Send me a check.

• 3:51Tom Segura?

  Send an email of the shirt you want and with what?

• 3:59Tom Segura?

  Where with the address that you want it to go to. When then, when we respond, then send another email back. And, and after you get that with your size. And if, if you wanna a king or a queen written on it. And then Jesse will get you the thing. And then when, then you get the, when, once the money clears, then we'll send you it. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

• 4:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Different.

• 4:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 4:33Tom Segura?

  It's not a way to make a lot of money, for sure.

• 4:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  You never heard of Shopify?

• 4:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit.

• 4:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, pull your tits out.

• 4:41Speaker 05

  I wanna laugh.

• 4:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Man, and you know, he's still at it. I still see him on the talk.

• 4:46Tom Segura?

  Fuck yeah, he's still at it. Guys like that don't give up.

• 4:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  They don't, relentless. Oh, here we go. Good morning.

• 4:51Tom Segura?

  The design is just unbelievable.

• 4:55Tom Segura?

  I've worked with a couple of designers and this is, I've never seen anything like this. Good morning.

• 5:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good morning.

• 5:04Tom Segura?

  That is unbelievable.

• 5:08Tom Segura?

  That is like, fuck.

• 5:11Speaker 05

  Let's make some videos. I wanna see them. I wanna laugh.

• 5:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is like when Microsoft Word first started and you could insert symbols, remember?

• 5:20Tom Segura?

  It also, doesn't this highlight too? How, like, how design is not, it's not easy, like, to see like a, you know when you see shit and you're like, that's fucking really cool. That's a really talented person.

• 5:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 5:34Tom Segura?

  That, that put that together. You take it for granted and you're like, oh.

• 5:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  The first, even people that design, um, your home, like the furniture that you buy and how to place it.

• 5:42Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 5:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just, it's like the first house that we lived in, you know, I designed the furniture and you know what I did? I bought fucking, uh, lounge chairs, the electric lounge chairs, the lazy boys. I bought us a row of lazy boys.

• 5:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah. No, you're not an interior designer.

• 6:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  A trunk.

• 6:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, we, we were living like frat boys.

• 6:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  We had our first house.

• 6:05Tom Segura?

  You were the.

• 6:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is terrible.

• 6:06Tom Segura?

  You're the queen above eighteen.

• 6:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 6:08Tom Segura?

  Uh, interior designer.

• 6:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I'm such an idiot. I bought like fake flowers from Amazon. I'm like, I'm gonna have fake flowers.

• 6:15Tom Segura?

  Well, because we all think we can do it intuitively. That's what, that's what happens. You go, oh, I'll design the shirt. And then you're like, it looks like that.

• 6:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like a frat house.

• 6:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Bad.

• 6:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was so bad. We need help, babe. We need to hire somebody to do this.

• 6:28Tom Segura?

  He needs help too.

• 6:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  He needs a lot of help.

• 6:32Tom Segura?

  It's not just us, he needs help.

• 6:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. How you doing? You're spicy today.

• 6:38Tom Segura?

  I know. I actually want to tell people, this shit puts me in a good mood.

• 6:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is this?

• 6:42Tom Segura?

  And it's legal, and this is not a paid advertisement.

• 6:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 6:45Tom Segura?

  This is, uh, it's called Fun Guy is the company, and they make Kana fruit juice. So Kana is a plant, I believe native to South Africa, and it's a mood booster.

• 6:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I want one. Can I have one?

• 6:57Tom Segura?

  Yes, you can.

• 6:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm excited. I always need a mood boost.

• 7:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  God knows I need a mood boost.

• 7:02Tom Segura?

  That shit, you can get it online. I bought a bunch of it.

• 7:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I've been seeing you with these.

• 7:07Tom Segura?

  It's delicious.

• 7:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Delicious.

• 7:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and it does change your mood.

• 7:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, here we go. Watch.

• 7:13Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 7:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  This one, what?

• 7:16Tom Segura?

  Oh!

• 7:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay, it says, oh, I have to set an intention, warm empathy, love. Nope, none of that.

• 7:23Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 7:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  How about love?

• 7:25Tom Segura?

  Love's good.

• 7:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm, tastes good.

• 7:27Tom Segura?

  Maybe take two.

• 7:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm, wait, take it easy.

• 7:33Tom Segura?

  So good.

• 7:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tastes good. Now it tastes like a fruit roll.

• 7:35Tom Segura?

  Highly recommend to all my friends out there that want to try. You can get this online and you can get it legally.

• 7:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nice.

• 7:42Tom Segura?

  And it's called?

• 7:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm into it. Tastes really good, actually.

• 7:44Tom Segura?

  Kana by Fun Guy.

• 7:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Give me another one.

• 7:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, dude.

• 7:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like it.

• 7:49Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 7:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why not? Go for it.

• 7:51Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm saying, bruh.

• 7:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's good shit, bro.

• 7:54Tom Segura?

  All right, you ready to start the show?

• 7:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Am I?

• 7:56Tom Segura?

  We have so much to talk about.

• 7:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm in a better mood.

• 7:59Tom Segura?

  Here we go. Here we go. I'm telling you, you're gonna like this. You're gonna like the way you look.

• 8:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck that piss again.

• 8:03Tom Segura?

  Here we go.

• 8:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  I guarantee it. Uh-oh.

• 8:05Speaker 05

  Nancy, if you want to fuck with me, I'll fuck with you one million times harder. So guess what, guys? My mom got a big fat ass for a white girl, but she got some small ass titties, and she was so jealous of me when I got my titties, dude.

• 8:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 8:21Speaker 05

  You know what? She made my dad buy her a boob job. Those tits ain't real. Those tits ain't real, guys. My mom has fake boobs. Mom, after eight years, you might get like, uh, the, uh, sickness. It's like boob job fucking infection or-

• 8:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or something with the fuck or boob job syndrome or some it's like bad for your body.

• 8:48Tom Segura?

  Talk about a mom.

• 8:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dude, I get it. Listen.

• 8:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow meow.

• 9:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was.

• 9:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I am in a better mood already.

• 9:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's crazy.

• 9:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

• 9:35Tom Segura?

  I'm telling you, when you find something that like that works for you.

• 9:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:39Tom Segura?

  It's like you want to tell everybody. I'm serious.

• 9:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, that's really good stuff.

• 9:42Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 9:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 9:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's gonna it's gonna hit you more in an hour.

• 9:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's very exciting. Very amazed.

• 9:49Tom Segura?

  Amazing. What do you think of this cool chick?

• 9:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, listen, I as somebody that had a mother that was competitive with me as well.

• 9:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I understand what she's doing here. Like when I had my breasts coming in.

• 10:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  My mother would shame me and be like, these are not breasts. These are little mosquito bites. And she was always jealous too.

• 10:10Tom Segura?

  Jealous, yeah.

• 10:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then when I got my titties, the same thing. She's like, you need to wear bra, supportive bra. You're jiggling everywhere. She would insult my titties.

• 10:21Tom Segura?

  So this is you if you had an American mom.

• 10:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 10:25Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 10:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, for sure. I'd be like, my mom's. You dumb little bimbo whore. You dumb little bimbo whore.

• 10:30Speaker 05

  You let dad make you get a boob job? Are you fucking kidding me Nancy? You're disgusting, you're a bimbo. Do you think old pro would be proud of that? As a doctor? As an obstetrician gynecologist? Do you think old pro would be proud of the fact? That you got pressured into getting a boob job by dad? And then you want to tell me that I don't deserve to survive?

• 10:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yikes.

• 10:54Speaker 05

  Because you want to suck that fat pig's dick?

• 10:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yup.

• 10:58Tom Segura?

  She doesn't like that either. I thought this was just all about mom, but then she was like dad pressured you. And call him a fat pig.

• 11:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  This girl and I would be best friends.

• 11:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 11:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I fucking feel this.

• 11:08Tom Segura?

  Why don't you reach out?

• 11:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Girl, I feel you.

• 11:11Tom Segura?

  Why don't you reach out?

• 11:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck Nancy, fuck your fat dad, dude, you're right.

• 11:15Tom Segura?

  She's um, yeah, she's super fucking.

• 11:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's fired up.

• 11:19Tom Segura?

  She's thirty-one years old.

• 11:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yup.

• 11:21Tom Segura?

  She's, she calls her mom Nancy.

• 11:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well Nancy probably did a number on this girl.

• 11:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, she's really pissed.

• 11:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nancy did some shit to her.

• 11:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 11:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't just make a video like this if your parents are normal and cool.

• 11:34Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 11:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bro, if I, if I was, if I had a YouTube page growing up, this would be, this would be my whole shit.

• 11:40Tom Segura?

  Katie, her name's Katie.

• 11:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Katie, I feel you, you're right, fuck Nancy, fuck your fat ass dad and his tiny dick. I hope your mom's tits get infected too, fucker.

• 11:50Tom Segura?

  But also, it'd be ni- I mean, I'm just saying this for not trying to be weird, it'd be nice to see Katie's tits.

• 11:59Tom Segura?

  Cause she was like, Nancy got super jealous.

• 12:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right, so like hers are naturals is what she's saying.

• 12:04Tom Segura?

  So what I'm saying is Katie, how about a follow-up video?

• 12:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, we want to laugh.

• 12:07Tom Segura?

  We want to have a good.

• 12:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Show us your boobs, you're above eighteen.

• 12:10Tom Segura?

  Show your tits.

• 12:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 12:12Tom Segura?

  Just giggling.

• 12:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's true, man, it's dark shit.

• 12:16Tom Segura?

  Very dark.

• 12:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's on it. Helix mattresses, you know what I love about Helix? You go online, you take a quiz. You tell them everything about how you sleep, what position you like to sleep in, what kind of temperature you like to sleep in? If you sleep alone or next to a ripping snoring bear like me? And I like the mattress soft, and that's what I love about Helix. Mattresses. They have cooling mattresses, covers for hot sleepers, extra memory foam padding for side sleepers, which is what I am. In a Wesper sleep study, participants reported having more sleep and many participants reported more deep sleep. Helix also offers bed frames,

• 12:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  pillows, sheets, and a lot of other bedding options. It really is fantastic. They've just covered all their bases. So here's what you're gonna do. Go to helixsleep.com/ymh for 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com/ymh for 20% off site wide. helixsleep.com/ymh. Life moves fast and sometimes you just need a way to relax, recharge, or stay focused without over complicating things. That's where Vaya comes in. If you haven't tried them yet, you're

• 13:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  seriously missing out. Whether you need to unwind, refocus, or boost your mood, Vaya is here to enhance your every day and night. Trusted by over half a million happy customers, Vaya is changing the game in natural wellness, blending powerful, high-quality hemp-derived ingredients to deliver real, effect-driven benefits. Whether you're looking to sleep better, have better libido, improve focus, recover, or simply relax, Vaya has a tailored solution for you. And I have Vaya in my cabinet. I ordered it because I like the CBD. I just like a little light something, something to help me sleep and it's just fantastic. And those gummies taste so good.

• 14:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  If you're 21 and up, check out the link to Vaya in our description and use the code YMH to receive 15% off, free shipping on orders over $100. And if you're new to Vaya, get a free gift of your choice. After your purchase, they ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your everyday with Vaya. She is on.

• 14:45Tom Segura?

  YMH Live was last Friday. My beard's already grown back.

• 14:52Tom Segura?

  What a hoot and what a fun time.

• 14:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 14:56Tom Segura?

  Uh, we had incredible original content. We had Will Blunderfeld. We had our own Tanner in there. We had Duncan Trussell. We had Tony John.

• 15:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 15:08Tom Segura?

  The ladies man.

• 15:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was my favorite.

• 15:10Tom Segura?

  And twenty some odd stunned women who were like, what in the fuck is this? They were completely flabbergasted that this was a real human being.

• 15:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 15:22Tom Segura?

  Uh, Charo dipping her toe in the OnlyFans with Alexis Fox.

• 15:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 15:28Tom Segura?

  Who she's, by the way, in love with. Charo loves Alexis.

• 15:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. They're gonna hang out.

• 15:32Tom Segura?

  She totally loves her. Um, we had the original short film we made for her with Daniela Pineda and Johnny Pemberton was in that. Ryan Sickler's in that. Um, I make an appearance in it. So much fucking fun. And the great Dan Soder, one of the best comedians working today. So that was all, uh, YMH Live 10. And you can see it right now by going to YMH studios.com to watch the replay. I hope you do. We put a lot of time, a lot of effort into it and I hope you enjoy it. Hope it makes you, I hope it makes you laugh. You wanna laugh?

• 16:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that was pretty fresh, dude. You'll notice I'm drinking cranberry juice today. I think I have a UTI brewing.

• 16:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I may have to get up and piss during the show.

• 16:15Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 16:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't get mad at me though.

• 16:16Tom Segura?

  I'm not mad at you, bro.

• 16:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Probably your fault. I wanna laugh. I wanna laugh.

• 16:22Tom Segura?

  Also, I was recently in Chicago. I wanna say that was

• 16:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 16:25Tom Segura?

  one of the greatest experiences I've had doing stand-up.

• 16:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's amazing.

• 16:30Tom Segura?

  For a multitude of reasons. Look, I grew up, I was eleven years old in 1990 and we moved to Milwaukee, which is a couple hours from Chicago. So Chicago, we have the inferiority complex in Milwaukee. Like, Chicago's like the place to be, right? You wanna, you wanna go to Chicago. And we would go to Chicago for a bunch of reasons. I had some family in Chicago. Uh, we went there for field trips to check out their museums and then, um, This thing happened in 90, 91, which is, there's a basketball team there called the Chicago Bulls. And in Milwaukee, we would get WGN, which is the local Chicago station. And I would watch Chicago Bulls basketball games.

• 17:14Tom Segura?

  And I was a kid, you know, you're like, you're in school, you're, you're getting into sports. And watching Michael Jordan play regularly, like just watching full games. I turned into, like, every kid was like, this is like a, an icon, you know? I mean, we were just like enamored with this guy. And with the team, they were like, they became, I think for a lot of kids especially, like, that's, that's all you cared about was the Bulls. And I was obsessed too. I got to see him play in person three times.

• 17:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's cool.

• 17:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I was just like the biggest fan. And so anyway, I, you know, I had that kind of affection for the Bulls in Chicago as a kid. And then I played Chicago as a comedian. I started at the Improv, then I went to Park West. Yeah, in Schaumburg.

• 18:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:03Tom Segura?

  Which I, was of course, you're like, I'm not in Chicago at all when you get there.

• 18:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, but shout out to the Asiago chicken, always my favorite dish in any club.

• 18:10Tom Segura?

  Asiago chicken is killer. Then I did Park West, then I did the Vic, then I did the Chicago Theater. Then I did UIC Credit One Arena. And then I finally did the United Center. This is where the Bulls played, this is Michael Jordan's house where he has a statue. And we had about 17,000 people at the show.

• 18:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god, Tommy.

• 18:34Tom Segura?

  It was fucking nuts. Jeff Tate.

• 18:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he wore his best outfit, I can see.

• 18:38Tom Segura?

  So that's how Jeff Tate dresses.

• 18:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I know.

• 18:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like a homeless person.

• 18:42Tom Segura?

  But it's, it's homeless chic, though.

• 18:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  It kind of is, yeah.

• 18:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's not.

• 18:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Homeless boxer.

• 18:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's, that's like, he puts, that's a fucking coordinated thing, man.

• 18:53Tom Segura?

  He opened the show, he killed. Chris DiStefano was a surprise guest, he killed. And then I had just a really fun set, a lady had a seizure.

• 19:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 19:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, how nice. What a compliment to the chef.

• 19:07Tom Segura?

  It was really nice.

• 19:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you feel somewhat good about yourself that you gave a woman a seizure from laughing?

• 19:12Tom Segura?

  Actually, I, so I didn't know because of how the room is lit and you're working the round, right? The stage is in the middle for people that don't know and you just, you stay pacing. And so I saw some, the bigger a show gets, you don't want to acknowledge everything that's happening in the room, right? Like you see people, you see security, you see things happening. So I catch something out of the corner of my eye, but I'm like, there's some, I don't, someone's trying to get to their seat. Cause that's also a thing, people like, I'm sitting here and I just kind of keep walking. So now I'm on the other side of the, of that stage. I'm working this side of the audience, and then I come around again and I see that this looks like a scene. So even though I'm in the middle of talking,

• 19:54Tom Segura?

  I go, what is going on here? And just stop, right? And somebody goes, she's having a seizure, she had a seizure. And I go, oh shit. So I go, hey, uh, do you want to turn the house lights on? I go, this is more important than what I'm doing. And they go, no, it's okay.

• 20:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  What? Did they have a medic there? They must have.

• 20:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they had stretcher and everything.

• 20:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit.

• 20:15Tom Segura?

  And I go, you don't want to turn the lights on? And they go, no, we're fine. I go, okay.

• 20:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's amazing. You know, so many times, things like this happen during shows, particularly in the summertime, because you have people who are day drinking and then they'll come to your show. Like at the Comedy Store, I had somebody vomit during my set in the front row in the summertime, because it's hot in there. And then at Zany's in Nashville, a woman passed out in the balcony and like same thing, ambulance came, stretcher came. You're like, this is not ideal for God.

• 20:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, this was pretty, and then they wheeled her out.

• 20:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God.

• 20:53Tom Segura?

  And I go, hey, you know, I go, if you guys are with her, I would go. And everybody laughed.

• 20:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 20:59Tom Segura?

  And they're like, no, we're not with her. I was like, oh, okay.

• 21:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck that bitch.

• 21:02Tom Segura?

  Well, I hope we, and then I prayed a Hail Mary for her with the audience.

• 21:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's nice.

• 21:05Tom Segura?

  But then I realized I thought she had a hijab on, so I just, I just prayed to Allah for her.

• 21:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't wanna make that mistake.

• 21:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  God don't care about, you know.

• 21:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  All of the peeps.

• 21:17Tom Segura?

  He only cares about.

• 21:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  The right, the right kinds.

• 21:19Tom Segura?

  That's right. God's very Christian.

• 21:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Speaking of Michael Jordan, I dreamt the other day that you and I were black. Isn't that cool?

• 21:28Tom Segura?

  I think you mean you had a nightmare.

• 21:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no. No, it was so crazy. You and I were like this hot, black couple.

• 21:36Tom Segura?

  Wait, could you, did we have the same or did we look totally different?

• 21:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  I had, um, like, short Afro hair. And I had a huge ass.

• 21:44Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 21:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  And huge tits, which is not, I have nothing.

• 21:48Tom Segura?

  You've morphed into somebody.

• 21:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it was awesome. And you were just like a black king. Like you were like this Adonis.

• 21:54Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 21:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I had the best brown vagina. It was crazy. We're doing it.

• 22:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, Jesus, you didn't say that.

• 22:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 22:04Tom Segura?

  Were you like, hey, baby? Did you say that?

• 22:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. Well, maybe. I don't remember talking a whole lot, but I just know it was you and me and we were black people. And I had the, like I said, a beautiful brown vagina. And you had a beautiful black penis.

• 22:19Tom Segura?

  Cool.

• 22:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  And we were just banging. It was great.

• 22:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know what your search engine looks like.

• 22:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe, maybe.

• 22:28Tom Segura?

  And then we just banged it out?

• 22:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  We banged it out.

• 22:31Tom Segura?

  Nice.

• 22:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. It's so weird that I've been having sex dreams about you because I don't think married people do that. Like, I'm not supposed to, right? Like, aren't I supposed to have?

• 22:39Tom Segura?

  I don't think there's some, a rule that dictates it. And you can just let your mind go where it goes. You don't have to force the dream.

• 22:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  But don't you think it's a testament to my attraction to you?

• 22:49Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 22:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Even in sleep, I.

• 22:51Tom Segura?

  I'm very flattered.

• 22:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I'm sure you only dream of me sexually, right?

• 22:55Tom Segura?

  I don't have a lot of sex dreams, though.

• 22:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 22:57Tom Segura?

  I don't have a lot of sex dreams.

• 22:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you dream about?

• 23:00Tom Segura?

  I mean, where was it last night? It was mostly Nazis last night. Yeah.

• 23:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's what you're into, darkness. You only like murder, destruction, sadness, kidnapping.

• 23:13Tom Segura?

  I've been watching that Black Hawk Down documentary.

• 23:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I know. Just fill your head full of good things before you go right to sleep.

• 23:18Tom Segura?

  Those fucking Somalis.

• 23:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't like the Somali, the Somalis?

• 23:21Tom Segura?

  I mean, if you watch this documentary, you won't like them.

• 23:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. I've been there.

• 23:25Tom Segura?

  You're like fucking Delta Force. Get in there.

• 23:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're tiny people.

• 23:31Tom Segura?

  I know they are.

• 23:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Somalia are very tall and lean people.

• 23:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they are. They actually seem like lovely people.

• 23:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're lovely.

• 23:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's just a, it's a horrible incident in time that happened there.

• 23:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 23:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's a good documentary.

• 23:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 23:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. You like it? What do you like about it?

• 23:49Tom Segura?

  Just, it's well, it's a well told story.

• 23:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I remember that vaguely happening.

• 23:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's the thing is you think you remember and then.

• 23:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is that shit?

• 23:56Tom Segura?

  They do a great job of, so everybody remembers Black Hawk Down.

• 24:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  The movie, yeah.

• 24:01Tom Segura?

  Well, the movie and the term, like the expression and that it's related to that thing that happened in Somalia. But then when you watch the doc, they give you the backstory of like what's happening in Somalia leading up to this, right?

• 24:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 24:13Tom Segura?

  Civil war and the split kind of between different factions there and, and how the Americans were seen as saviors for a while and then it kind of, there's like turning point where it's like, hey, they're, you know, a couple. The thing about trying to police a country when you're military is that you're gonna have incidents that go wrong. And then the people are gonna be like, oh, you're not here helping us.

• 24:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-mm.

• 24:39Tom Segura?

  And there's a bit of that and then, yeah, and then the actual incident itself is like they're, these guys are on a mission to take out this general, like the, the guy who's, you know, the top bad guy.

• 24:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:52Tom Segura?

  And some of his, his cabinet, let's say, and then it just, everything just goes sideways. I mean, that's, that's the best way to kind of summarize it. Everything goes sideways.

• 25:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  You literally fill your head, like my watch list is so different than yours. You just fill your head with violence, war, scandal, kidnapping, serial killer. It's all dark blackness, but I think that, isn't that what men generally watch? I feel like.

• 25:18Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 25:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  But don't you guys all wa, like you're not watching Bridget Jones's new movie? No.

• 25:24Tom Segura?

  What the fuck is that?

• 25:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you guys all watch awful things.

• 25:28Speaker 02

  It's a lot of death.

• 25:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I just watched What Jennifer Did last night.

• 25:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's that?

• 25:32Speaker 02

  That bitch crazy, man.

• 25:33Tom Segura?

  It's a little Asian girl and her, she called like nine one.

• 25:37Speaker 05

  Like my parents, they're dead. I don't know what to do.

• 25:40Tom Segura?

  And then they just slowly discovered it was this bitch the whole time.

• 25:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god, this psycho?

• 25:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, I would watch this with you.

• 25:48Tom Segura?

  I'll watch that.

• 25:49Speaker 02

  That shit's fire.

• 25:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Oh my gosh, she looks so like fun.

• 25:53Tom Segura?

  Turns out she's just a big goofball.

• 25:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 25:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, she's a little knucklehead.

• 25:57Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 25:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck dude.

• 26:00Tom Segura?

  And you know that you would go back with her if she was like, come back.

• 26:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, come back with her.

• 26:06Tom Segura?

  I want to show you something in my room. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, show me.

• 26:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why did she kill her parents? Was she being abused like the Menendez brothers?

• 26:13Speaker 02

  It was just a mistake. It was a misunderstanding. Yeah.

• 26:16Tom Segura?

  That happens all the time.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  I forgive her.

• 26:18Tom Segura?

  See?

• 26:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, she's cute though. Thank god she's attractive.

• 26:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's a totally different story when they're not attractive.

• 26:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Big time. You know, one cares. No one cares what Jennifer does if she's not hot.

• 26:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 26:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's only when she's hot.

• 26:29Tom Segura?

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• 27:12Tom Segura?

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• 27:44Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 28:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was on a flight yesterday from Los Angeles to Austin. I had the fattest flight attendant I have ever seen. And not only fat, the fattest, gayest flight attendant, which is fine. I like gays. You can fucking try me, fatso. Oh, my God. Yeah. And I'm just saying, my suspicion is that this airline doesn't say anything to him because he's gay and maybe it's misinterpreted as homophobic or something.

• 29:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Well, there's this also, there's this big push in the airline industry for more inclusivity.

• 29:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck right off with that.

• 29:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  It doesn't matter.

• 29:31Tom Segura?

  On all levels. I'm not talking about pilots. I'm talking about, you know, like behind the gate and, uh, and, and working as flight attendants. Like, it's, it's about.

• 29:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, I could have a one-legged, a, a trans flight attendant, as long as he's not morbidly obese.

• 29:46Tom Segura?

  What, what part? Why does that bother you?

• 29:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because he can barely fit through the aisle. It's a safety issue. Not only that, the airline's probably losing money because he's weighing the amount of, what, two suitcases, two people?

• 29:59Tom Segura?

  How fat is he?

• 30:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  It affects the weight of the plane. This fucking guy.

• 30:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like black lady bus driver fat, like where they have a big butt that's a shelf? And he was really fat. Really, I, I, okay, I don't know how to do it in male. If it was a woman, three, three bills.

• 30:19Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 30:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Three bills.

• 30:21Tom Segura?

  It's a really big.

• 30:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  And really having a hard time getting through the aisle and bending over and stuff. I'm like, this is not okay.

• 30:28Tom Segura?

  This is insane.

• 30:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your job is to be able to get through these narrow aisles.

• 30:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, their number one job is safety of passengers, actually.

• 30:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right. Because the, what is it? The FAA, they're, they're lieutenants of the federal fuck your mother commission and they can tell you to buckle your seatbelts. You have to listen to them?

• 30:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you do have to listen to them.

• 30:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  So. I don't trust the fat slob. I don't trust him. I don't like him.

• 30:49Tom Segura?

  You're real fired up about this.

• 30:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, because it was such a, it was disturbing.

• 30:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Hey fatty! Yeah. Yeah.

• 30:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, it's disturbing.

• 30:58Tom Segura?

  I got it. I got it. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's too fat.

• 31:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then I saw. An adult man, a 55 year old adult male.

• 31:07Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 31:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  He had a laptop open.

• 31:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Watching like an, a cartoon, like a Japanime cartoon, like it was an episode of an ongoing series that he's into. Not like a nostalgia thing where he's watching like, oh, Tom and Jerry, like we all grew up. Like he deliberately, he brought the content on the plane.

• 31:27Tom Segura?

  He's.

• 31:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  And watching a full episode of like a children's cartoon. I'm like, this is nuts. Like I, all I could think about was like, what if it, this is like. A 55 year old top dog.

• 31:39Tom Segura?

  Oh my God.

• 31:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  On a plane. Could you ever in your wildest dreams, like my dad, your dad at 55, watching a fucking cartoon in public?

• 31:48Tom Segura?

  There are different kinds of guys. Listen, this is, this is one type of guy. Okay?

• 31:53Speaker 05

  Well, I am.

• 31:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's.

• 31:55Speaker 05

  I am a loser. Look at me. I'm 50 years old. I'm a 50 year old man. Uh. Still living in my parents' basement.

• 32:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 32:04Speaker 05

  Acting like I'm married to a mannequin. And I think that these are my kids. These are, these are, these are dolls. These are toys. You're not real kids. You're not real kids. I'm a loser. I'm a failure. I've never moved out. Living in my parents' basement. With a beautiful man again.

• 32:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  She was beautiful.

• 32:28Speaker 05

  I love her so much. I do. I love you, Emily.

• 32:33Tom Segura?

  Fuck.

• 32:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck, dude.

• 32:34Tom Segura?

  That's dark.

• 32:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Emily's cute. This guy's a little different.

• 32:38Tom Segura?

  Emily is beautiful, though.

• 32:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  The guy I saw was like a professional. Like, he was not a loser.

• 32:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 32:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was just an adult man that was watching children's cartoons.

• 32:46Speaker 05

  I can't find a real woman. I don't got a real, live, breathing girlfriend in the house. I made it all up. I tried to fool y'all. I had you guys fooled for a very long time, too, didn't I?

• 33:00Speaker 05

  Oh, my goodness, Emily. You smell like Chinese plastic. The best Chinese plastic that they, that they made.

• 33:10Tom Segura?

  This is...

• 33:12Speaker 05

  I'm a loser. I'm a failure. I'm a fraud. I'm a liar.

• 33:18Speaker 05

  Oh, my goodness.

• 33:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. I think he's just a low IQ adult.

• 33:24Tom Segura?

  Could you have a little bit of empathy for this poor man?

• 33:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. He's got a good life. He lives in his mom's basement.

• 33:32Tom Segura?

  Well, here's the thing. This...

• 33:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's got his dolls.

• 33:33Tom Segura?

  This was such a heavy video. I mean, this guy is confessing what his... Basically, that his greatest fears are true.

• 33:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 33:43Tom Segura?

  And then he breaks to smell his doll.

• 33:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 33:48Tom Segura?

  And he's like, "I love..." Like, he's going back and forth. Like, this is like a full exposure of somebody's inner workings, you know?

• 33:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. And the comment says, "Don't say you're a loser." You're not.

• 33:57Tom Segura?

  Right. So that's what he's responding to. Yeah. Which, yeah. That's a crazy... Fucking A, man.

• 34:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, what, what does this make you feel? Because I, I only...

• 34:06Tom Segura?

  I can feel a couple of things. First of all... First of all, you know one of the things I notice? Not a bad fit. Those are nice jeans. I like his shoes. He's got a cool chain.

• 34:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he's fine. He's fine. He's happy.

• 34:16Tom Segura?

  I like, I like the outfit.

• 34:20Tom Segura?

  It is crazy that he pretends that he's married to Emily, the doll, the mannequin with his baby dolls. But he also, like, there's like peaks into the fact that he has full conversations. This man's incapable probably of a relationship with a real woman, you know?

• 34:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  But aren't you glad that he has Emily?

• 34:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I'm happy that that gives him some level of, you know?

• 34:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. I just, I do think that.

• 34:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do wish that people would just be ashamed of what they're doing. That's weird. Like, I do want to bring that back where we just kind of like, just be quiet about it. Like, don't watch your anime on the plane. Don't talk about your girl, your plastic girlfriend.

• 35:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just hide it, just hide it. Cause it bums me out. It bums everyone out.

• 35:07Tom Segura?

  It's here to stay. What is this? Does he talk about this?

• 35:11Speaker 05

  Now, this right here is actually a good question. How does Emily go to the bathroom? Well, we've been married for two years now.

• 35:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you're not.

• 35:21Speaker 05

  And she's lived with me for five.

• 35:23Tom Segura?

  Oh, you dated her a lot?

• 35:24Speaker 05

  I've never seen her go to the bathroom, not even once.

• 35:29Speaker 05

  So I'm not even sure if she goes to the bathroom.

• 35:33Speaker 05

  I'm not a hundred percent sure mannequins go to the bathroom at all. I, I, I just don't know.

• 35:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not a hundred percent sure?

• 35:38Speaker 05

  I don't know what she does when I'm, when I'm, when I'm in the house.

• 35:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 35:45Tom Segura?

  So he's, um, he's 50. He lives with his parents, so his parents gotta be up there in age. But the thing is, this guy's, he's too far gone. He's.

• 35:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he's.

• 35:58Tom Segura?

  You know, the funny thing too, is that he has that relationship, which gives him some fulfillment. And then he has an, an, a relationship with followers online.

• 36:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's good.

• 36:07Tom Segura?

  But it, no, it just shows you that all of that cannot substitute human interaction.

• 36:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 36:14Tom Segura?

  Like this guy, I don't think he interacts with any other humans than maybe his parents.

• 36:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a good thing, though. He shouldn't be interacting with other humans.

• 36:21Tom Segura?

  You don't think so?

• 36:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's one thing that I, that I think is positive. Because he doesn't know how Emily goes to the bathroom, it means that he's not having sex with her, with it, which is kind of cool.

• 36:30Tom Segura?

  A hundred percent not true. He is fucking that doll in every possible scenario.

• 36:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  How is he fucking her? She doesn't have a fuck hole.

• 36:38Tom Segura?

  That's not what he said. He said he doesn't watch her use the bathroom.

• 36:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 36:43Tom Segura?

  He's never seen her walk to the toilet and take a shit. That doesn't mean he doesn't fill her up all the time.

• 36:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  How gross do you think that doll is? Like, it's full of his jizz.

• 36:54Tom Segura?

  I think he might be one of these super meticulous cleaning guys, though.

• 36:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  He does look clean.

• 36:58Tom Segura?

  It might be like sparkling clean down there, but there's come in it every day. Yeah. In the eyes and the mouth and the, yeah.

• 37:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, there's no way he's not.

• 37:07Tom Segura?

  And he probably does this thing where when he comes inside of it, he's probably like, "Oh, Emily, what'd you do? What'd you do?"

• 37:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  He blames Emily for it. "Look what you made me do, bitch."

• 37:17Tom Segura?

  "Oh, no, you're, oh, you gotta clean up." And then he, "Good job," and he cleans her and he talks to her, yeah.

• 37:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 37:24Tom Segura?

  "Oh, my God, you're gonna get pregnant again. We already have two dolls."

• 37:30Speaker 05

  No clue what the hell you're talking about here, little feller. None whatsoever.

• 37:37Speaker 05

  I just got one question for you. What would make you think that I have a clue what plastic holes were filled like?

• 37:47Speaker 05

  You're weird. Get some help.

• 37:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, that leads me to believe that maybe he's such a low IQ adult that he's not doing that behavior, like, he's not. No, you think it's a never...

• 38:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a man. He's still a guy.

• 38:03Tom Segura?

  He's fucking that doll.

• 38:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's fucking that doll.

• 38:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and I don't even think, uh... I don't think he's that low IQ either. I think he's, he has awareness enough to, like, have the doll, know how to pretend, dress the doll, take, like, he's not, like, dumb, dumb, dumb.

• 38:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, and hold on. Well, hold on. One thing we've noticed about cool guys, see, they don't know how to upload videos properly or title them. And look, they're usually all the same thing.

• 38:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, how's he doing all this?

• 38:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it's a lot of the same.

• 38:36Tom Segura?

  It's the same brain that finds different holes that come in the doll.

• 38:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Advanced autism.

• 38:48Tom Segura?

  Did they say that to him?

• 38:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Do you argue much? Let's hear that one.

• 38:54Speaker 05

  Well, that's the good thing about being married to a mannequin.

• 38:57Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 38:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the best part.

• 38:59Speaker 05

  But we do argue.

• 39:00Tom Segura?

  You do argue.

• 39:01Speaker 05

  Sometimes.

• 39:01Tom Segura?

  Sometimes. What does it say? Advanced autism was the other one?

• 39:06Speaker 05

  Well, actually, I wouldn't call me advanced at playing the acoustic guitar, because I'm not. I know how to play the acoustic guitar.

• 39:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Acoustic guitar?

• 39:16Speaker 05

  But I'm not that good at it.

• 39:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  He thinks the word is-

• 39:18Speaker 05

  I can only know how to play one or two songs.

• 39:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Acoustic, not autistic.

• 39:21Speaker 05

  And one of the songs is "Quinkle, Quinkle Little Star",

• 39:25Speaker 05

  and the other one is "Sweet Home Alabama".

• 39:26Tom Segura?

  So they're just like, are you advanced? He thinks they're saying you're advanced at your acoustic skills?

• 39:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but you think it's a bit, Eddie?

• 39:34Tom Segura?

  Because- Auditory?

• 39:35Speaker 06

  Because acoustic is kind of, it's like something that people say on socials to like-

• 39:39Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 39:40Speaker 06

  In place of-

• 39:41Tom Segura?

  That's right, like you're regarded.

• 39:42Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's trying to be funny.

• 39:45Tom Segura?

  Reddit, what's up, Tom?

• 39:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was trying to be funny.

• 39:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's trying to be funny.

• 39:51Tom Segura?

  For sure.

• 39:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 39:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I was noticing just because of the framing, like, look at the, look at the Shaunies framing in every photo, like, uh-uh, he knows what he's doing, look at that.

• 40:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, but the repetition of the screen, like, the repetition?

• 40:04Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's cool guy all over it.

• 40:06Tom Segura?

  Oh shit, that's a cool guy outfit, for sure.

• 40:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 40:09Tom Segura?

  With the-

• 40:10Speaker 06

  I think it's cap. That chain's too nice.

• 40:12Tom Segura?

  The chain's nice.

• 40:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is a nice chain.

• 40:16Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have to pee, I've got a UTI.

• 40:17Tom Segura?

  Okay, go for it.

• 40:24Speaker 02

  Who are they? Who are those people?

• 40:26Tom Segura?

  Those are cool guys?

• 40:27Speaker 02

  The ugly wall.

• 40:29Tom Segura?

  It's not the hot guy wall. These guys will never end up on that wall.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:33Tom Segura?

  These are people we discovered online-

• 40:35Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:35Tom Segura?

  That we ended up, uh, usually meeting or highlighting.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:39Tom Segura?

  That, like, like you saw Fancy Chef, right? You saw that guy?

• 40:42Speaker 02

  Nah.

• 40:43Tom Segura?

  You didn't see Fancy Chef?

• 40:44Speaker 02

  Nah.

• 40:44Tom Segura?

  Ever?

• 40:45Speaker 02

  The black dude?

• 40:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, the black chef, yeah, yeah.

• 40:48Speaker 02

  Black chef, we call him black chef.

• 40:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he came, like, he came to studio and cooked for us.

• 40:52Speaker 02

  Oh, nice.

• 40:53Tom Segura?

  So he got a portrait.

• 40:54Speaker 02

  Okay, cool.

• 40:55Tom Segura?

  You know Robert Paul Champagne, he's a New York legend?

• 40:57Speaker 02

  Nah.

• 40:58Tom Segura?

  You don't know Robert Paul Champagne?

• 40:59Speaker 02

  What, what is the context?

• 41:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's on the map.

• 41:01Tom Segura?

  He's, literally, you can put him on Google Maps and it shows you his address.

• 41:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Type in Robert Paul Champagne.

• 41:05Tom Segura?

  So, he is a guy who-

• 41:09Tom Segura?

  Put out a video years ago. Just calling for all black men to come to his apartment.

• 41:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Black guys who like to fuck and fuck good.

• 41:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:20Speaker 02

  That's what he said.

• 41:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 41:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  The fur.

• 41:22Speaker 02

  That didn't hit my circles surprisingly.

• 41:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's him and yeah, they're just so they're all just like that guy in the middle down there with the tattoo on his forehead was a mortgage broker.

• 41:33Speaker 05

  Oh, cool.

• 41:34Tom Segura?

  And he ended up putting out

• 41:39Tom Segura?

  tit cup videos where he he made his tits grow.

• 41:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he also shits on french fries.

• 41:45Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 41:46Speaker 02

  How much time do you spend on the internet? I've always wanted to ask you that.

• 41:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  So fun.

• 41:49Tom Segura?

  I actually am. I don't go that that deep.

• 41:53Speaker 02

  No, that's a lie.

• 41:54Tom Segura?

  No, it's true.

• 41:55Speaker 02

  That's a lie. I I knew that you were locked in because I always knew that you were like plugged into like internet culture, whatever.

• 42:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, we should just roll, yeah.

• 42:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah, well, here, let's just like just get this out of the way. Starting today, the moment you see this, you can go to Netflix and catch the all new special Andrew Schulz Life. And welcoming or we're welcoming back the great Andrew Schulz, everybody.

• 42:18Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you.

• 42:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Welcome.

• 42:19Tom Segura?

  Congratulations on the special.

• 42:21Speaker 02

  Thank you very much, man.

• 42:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's awesome, man.

• 42:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  And on a baby.

• 42:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's a cool.

• 42:25Tom Segura?

  They're kind of intertwined.

• 42:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, the special is about trying to make the baby.

• 42:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's very cool. I'd heard about this because I would run into somebody that goes on the road with you.

• 42:34Speaker 02

  Oh, posting me.

• 42:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, Derek, yeah.

• 42:35Tom Segura?

  And he would he told me like that theme a while ago. I was like, oh, that's really it. But now I get to actually see it. I can't wait to see it.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, check it out, man. If you get time. Yeah, it was cool. It was tough for us to get pregnant, so.

• 42:45Tom Segura?

  We talked about that briefly.

• 42:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:47Tom Segura?

  Like a while ago.

• 42:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess I was foreshadowing. I was like, I didn't. Yeah, I didn't think it was gonna be this tricky, but it was.

• 42:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, and you know what's crazy is that as a woman too, you spend most of your life trying not to get pregnant. And then.

• 43:00Speaker 02

  That's interesting.

• 43:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then one day you're like, let's do it. Let's pull the goalie and let's try it. And it is hard. It's so you unless you're 18 years old.

• 43:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know?

• 43:10Speaker 02

  Well, it wasn't her fault.

• 43:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Was it your fault?

• 43:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your your swim.

• 43:13Speaker 02

  My sperm doesn't. Yeah.

• 43:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 43:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, the doctor said my sperm swims like Lizzo in a riptide.

• 43:21Speaker 02

  I got a great doctor.

• 43:22Tom Segura?

  That's very cool doctor.

• 43:24Speaker 02

  It's got awesome parlance to describe your medical difficulties.

• 43:27Tom Segura?

  That's very funny.

• 43:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, so my sperm sucks.

• 43:32Speaker 02

  But I thought it was her fault too. So it was very surprising. And then I just started talking about it on stage and it was like so weird. I thought, I mean, this is kind of cliche, but I literally thought that this is like an anomaly that nobody goes through. And I would like talk about it on stage and like these like guys would come up to me afterwards and they wouldn't admit it, but they'd be like, "Oh, some funny stuff right there, man. Like, yeah, you should keep doing that. That was good. That was good." And I was like, "What's going on?" And I started like talking to friends and they would, every one of them was like, "Oh yeah, we're doing IVF." Like everybody, I'm 41, so I'm a little older, obviously, but like, I didn't know. And I was like, "Oh, is this like the last taboo thing? Is this the thing that we're like afraid to admit?"

• 44:14Tom Segura?

  That is a kind of a, that is a thing.

• 44:16Speaker 02

  Yeah. Which I don't think you should be embarrassed about. Like, I think it's, like, your kids will really know you want them.

• 44:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 44:25Speaker 02

  You know that like fear that kind of like the generation before us all had, which is like, "Did my parents even want me?"

• 44:30Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 44:31Speaker 02

  Like, they came back from war and it was like, "I guess we do this."

• 44:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 44:34Speaker 02

  And then, but yeah, like if you do it, like we paid, there's like a receipt.

• 44:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:38Speaker 02

  It was premeditated, you know?

• 44:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  So did we because...

• 44:41Speaker 02

  You guys did it?

• 44:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  The second baby.

• 44:43Tom Segura?

  The second time around. We didn't even...

• 44:45Speaker 02

  I didn't know this. Have you guys spoken about this before?

• 44:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not really. We were so in it that we didn't...

• 44:50Tom Segura?

  But like, it wasn't even, we didn't even go like, "Let's try and then do it." We just went straight to it.

• 44:57Speaker 02

  You went, okay.

• 44:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, because...

• 44:59Tom Segura?

  Because we were older.

• 45:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'll tell you why.

• 45:02Speaker 02

  You took a look at Christianity with those legs.

• 45:07Tom Segura?

  This kid's not gonna fucking be able to...

• 45:10Speaker 02

  Eat with a fork if you do it the regular way.

• 45:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause the first baby I I had at thirty nine, like I delivered at I think thirty eight or thirty nine.

• 45:18Speaker 02

  Oh wow, okay.

• 45:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I was already a geriatric pregnancy and all I had to do is take like a pill.

• 45:22Speaker 02

  Crazy term, right?

• 45:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, it's so fucked up. I took like one pill and I got pregnant, but then I I had a miscarriage before that.

• 45:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they said, well, now that you're forty to go in for number baby number two.

• 45:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're like, you know, the chances of miscarriage are like really, really high. And I didn't want to go through another miscarriage because it's so heartbreaking.

• 45:40Speaker 02

  That's the other thing I didn't realize, like how often people have miscarriages.

• 45:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yes.

• 45:43Tom Segura?

  So often.

• 45:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Every, almost everybody.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  It's unbelievable.

• 45:47Tom Segura?

  It's a lot.

• 45:47Speaker 02

  Like, I even think a lot of girls that are just kind of having sex regularly.

• 45:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 45:52Speaker 02

  That have like a late period.

• 45:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  It's not really a late period, it's a miscarriage, they just weren't aware that they were pregnant. And then when you're trying to get pregnant, now you're acutely aware of what's happening in your body. Yeah, we thought, we thought, um, we thought that happened. I mean, I, there's a, I talk about in the special, but like, uh, yeah, we thought, uh, we thought we lost it, actually.

• 46:12Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 46:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was really scary. My eyes started bleeding.

• 46:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  How pregnant was she? How far along?

• 46:17Speaker 02

  Uh, she was, uh, that's a great question.

• 46:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, was she showing or was it early?

• 46:22Speaker 02

  No, she was, it was very early because the story I tell in this, in the special is actually not as tragic, but like, we went to see if there was a heartbeat and it wasn't developed enough to hear it yet.

• 46:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, so it's early.

• 46:33Speaker 02

  So we had to wait a week.

• 46:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 46:34Speaker 02

  So the doctor's like, we think it's okay.

• 46:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's terrifying.

• 46:37Speaker 02

  But you have to wait, so the whole week you're just like holding your breath, I'm doing podcasts.

• 46:42Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  Reacting to shit on the internet. Like, I don't give a fuck about anything. So, yeah, it was crazy.

• 46:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god, so the first pregnancy we had, I was thirty five, I think when we first started, I got pregnant right away. And Tommy and I were touring with YMH at the time. We were driving through Dallas, remember? We were driving through Texas and we just found out that the baby wasn't viable. It was, we did an ultrasound and it was like six weeks along and it was dead. And the doctor, remember, she was like, well, do you want to miscarry naturally or do you want me to abort it? And I was like, just do it naturally. So you're basically waiting for your miscarriage. And I just remember we were touring and we had to make money. I had to go to Texas the whole time, just crossing my fingers that I wouldn't miscarry. You know, on the road, got your bit. And then one time I did, remember? I had a, I had a miscarriage on New Year's Eve.

• 47:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  At this

• 47:34Tom Segura?

  The ball dropped.

• 47:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  In Austin, yeah. And I was having a miscarriage on, as I was telling jokes.

• 47:40Tom Segura?

  No.

• 47:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's how dark that was, but, but then I was kind of used to it. You're just bleeding.

• 47:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you're like, well, I may as well just go tell these jokes on New Year's Eve.

• 47:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  And fucking forget about it. But it, yeah, you just have to live your life.

• 47:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  This death is happening or happened.

• 47:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Also delivering that late, like having a late, yeah, I'm sure like it's a constant concern for women.

• 48:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 48:03Tom Segura?

  Especially as you get a little bit older.

• 48:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 48:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 48:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  For clampsia.

• 48:07Tom Segura?

  Excuse me.

• 48:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you mind?

• 48:08Tom Segura?

  Sorry.

• 48:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking disruptive.

• 48:10Tom Segura?

  I don't know if your experience was like this, but, so we, we go in for, for second baby.

• 48:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:17Tom Segura?

  And we're like, let's just do this. Like, there's not even try, yeah.

• 48:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 48:20Tom Segura?

  Just not even try anything else. So then they go, okay. You know, we got, uh, we made the potion.

• 48:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:26Tom Segura?

  And then they were like, uh, all right, you have, you have 19 embryos.

• 48:31Speaker 02

  You got 19?

• 48:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I had a lot of eggs.

• 48:33Speaker 02

  At 40 years old.

• 48:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 48:33Tom Segura?

  19 embryos.

• 48:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 48:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Strong Eastern European.

• 48:38Speaker 02

  19 embryos or 19 eggs?

• 48:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  19 eggs.

• 48:41Tom Segura?

  No, no, no.

• 48:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nam.

• 48:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

• 48:44Speaker 02

  Embryos is after they, so usually you like half it along the process, right?

• 48:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, I had a lot of eggs.

• 48:49Speaker 02

  You must have had like 30 eggs.

• 48:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You had 19 embryos and they were all male. They were all male. And then they go, so now you get, now we, we put them in and we rank them.

• 49:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:01Tom Segura?

  So they're like, these six have Down's syndrome.

• 49:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:03Tom Segura?

  Do you want them?

• 49:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  They were good.

• 49:04Tom Segura?

  And I'm like, do we want them?

• 49:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:06Tom Segura?

  And then they're like, this one has a horrible heart defect.

• 49:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:09Tom Segura?

  This one will have this disease. And I'm like, I'm assuming we're excluding these? And they're like, well, it's up to you.

• 49:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:14Tom Segura?

  And I'm like, oh, okay.

• 49:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:15Tom Segura?

  And then they go all the way through and blah, blah, blah. And then they're like, and we have one that's rated A++. And I go, we'll take fucking that one.

• 49:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:23Tom Segura?

  We'll take the A++. And they're like, okay, well you just have the choice. And I'm like, yeah, there's not a choice.

• 49:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no choice. There's one good embryo.

• 49:29Tom Segura?

  There's one good embryo.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  Starts at the bottom.

• 49:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, because, but some of them, I'm saying that when they said the 19, they were basically like 11 of these

• 49:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or shit.

• 49:37Tom Segura?

  are not viable.

• 49:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, we went, we went through the same thing.

• 49:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  How, did she have eggs? She had enough eggs?

• 49:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. We were lucky. We didn't, we didn't get that haul, but it was, uh, but yeah, we should, we should have like nine. And then, um, and then we were able to do it and then, you know, we, we didn't choose the gender. The choosing the gender thing is kind of.

• 49:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's crazy.

• 49:56Speaker 02

  It's kind of funny because, uh.

• 49:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, hold on. You can choose, like they can take which sperm.

• 50:01Speaker 02

  Well, no, you know what, uh, gender the embryo is, right? So you guys had all male.

• 50:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  All boys.

• 50:06Speaker 02

  So, but you know, we had both and we were like, we, we didn't want to know. We were like, we felt like it was like playing God a little bit too much. But after reflecting on a little bit, like, there are some countries that don't let you choose the gender. Right? I think America is like the only one that kind of lets you. And, uh, it is kind of funny because it's, very rarely is someone choosing girl.

• 50:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 50:30Speaker 02

  You know what I mean?

• 50:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 50:31Speaker 02

  So when they say you can choose the gender, they're basically saying, can you choose boy? Now, it is, right? But they can't say it like that. So the other countries, they realize, oh shit, everybody's just choosing boy. And we got all these chicks that are just on the shelf. So we need to, you know, we need to solve this problem. And they go, okay, you can't choose. We're just putting whatever's in there.

• 50:52Tom Segura?

  Interesting.

• 50:53Speaker 02

  But it is rare you go in, like, I think some people do it, like if they've had three kids and they just want a girl.

• 50:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 50:59Speaker 02

  Like Charlemagne, he has four girls.

• 51:01Tom Segura?

  Four girls.

• 51:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. So I, and I know by the fourth, you're going for the boy.

• 51:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:07Speaker 02

  You know? So I don't think they're going to do another kid, but if they did IVF, some people go, okay, I want this locked in.

• 51:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 51:15Tom Segura?

  He might have our luck and they'll be like, hey, you have 19 girls.

• 51:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God. Or some people want one of each, which I understand.

• 51:21Speaker 02

  Hell, yeah.

• 51:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's awesome. But you know what I was going to say? You're right that there's, um, I didn't like to be too public with it because A, what if it doesn't work? And now you're embarrassed or you feel sad and it's a public sadness. And B, because of my age, I felt a little bit of shame because we're using science to do something that nature doesn't want to happen. And there's a weird shame attached to that for me.

• 51:45Speaker 02

  Like you feel guilty about going through it?

• 51:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. Like I'm cheating nature.

• 51:50Speaker 02

  Like you're not supposed to.

• 51:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm not supposed to be doing this and I know that and you know that on some level because I am now, hold on, I'm, I'm 48, I have a kindergartner.

• 51:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm a 48 year old mom of a kindergartner.

• 52:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. Beautiful.

• 52:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thankfully in good health.

• 52:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  But like. Wow, that's not how nature intended that shit to happen.

• 52:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, but we do so much shit that's not how nature intended. We fly in planes, you know what I mean?

• 52:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  There's, you have blonde hair.

• 52:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Naturally.

• 52:14Speaker 02

  You know what I mean? Like, it's just, we constantly are refuting nature's desires, so I'm not worried about that at all. And nature wants us to have babies. They just gave us some science to do it.

• 52:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's a good way to put it.

• 52:24Tom Segura?

  It definitely helps.

• 52:25Speaker 02

  Yeah. I feel like with nineteen embryos, you guys would have got pregnant immediately, regularly.

• 52:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then they weren't sticking. They were, the eggs were, the eggs were not perfect enough.

• 52:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I could get pregnant, but they weren't genetically good enough.

• 52:39Tom Segura?

  With all that help, we had legitimately had one good option.

• 52:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, we had one good egg.

• 52:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was one option.

• 52:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that was Juju.

• 52:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and then he came out like, like a Gerber bait, like, he's just like, big cheeks, blue eyes, like, hey! Like, he's like a baby advertisement, you know?

• 52:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my gosh. And now he's like, fuck you, motherfucker.

• 52:57Speaker 02

  What the fuck, man? And I'm like, is he cosin?

• 53:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:02Speaker 02

  How old is that?

• 53:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Six or nine.

• 53:03Speaker 02

  Six, and he's like, why is this fucking table here?

• 53:05Tom Segura?

  I love it.

• 53:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's the fun part, having kids as a comedian, because they're, I don't really have a gauge on what's societally normal sometimes, and I just let. Like, for instance, our boys like hammers. They're just a fucking hammer shit.

• 53:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they're fighting over one hammer this weekend. And I said, you know what, boys? Let's go to the hardware store. I'm gonna buy you each a fucking hammer.

• 53:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay? And we're gonna buy shovels, we're gonna go to the park, and you're just gonna fucking wild out.

• 53:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay? Now, if we'd done that in LA, a million people would be looking at me, stinking, you let your boys be toxic male. But in Texas, they're like, look at them boys, just digging and hitting and doing that.

• 53:41Speaker 02

  For sure.

• 53:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I don't know if that's normal. Like, is that a normal thing to do?

• 53:44Speaker 02

  Did you feel judgment as parents in LA? Is that what you're saying?

• 53:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 53:47Speaker 02

  Really?

• 53:48Tom Segura?

  I think that LA, like, the way that I summarize with people is like, you walk into a place in LA

• 53:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:55Tom Segura?

  with a young kid, let's say, like, a three-year-old or something. Right away, they're like...

• 54:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah, it's gonna ruin.

• 54:01Speaker 02

  Oh, it's an inconvenience.

• 54:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and they're like, is he gonna? And then in Texas, you walk in with that kid and the kid knocks something over and they go, it's a kid.

• 54:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's, yeah, that's just like family values.

• 54:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they're like, it's what kids do.

• 54:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:15Tom Segura?

  And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah.

• 54:16Speaker 02

  I've noticed that traveling too. Like when my wife was pregnant, we were in Mexico, we were in Italy, the excitement around her being pregnant

• 54:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 54:23Speaker 02

  was amazing.

• 54:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they're like, so.

• 54:26Speaker 02

  Wow, and they start telling you about their kid and like what their first time pregnant was, there's this like beautiful excitement around it. And, um, New York, nobody's getting off the bus. You know, they're not, like, I remember being a child, my mom was pregnant with my, my brother, nine months pregnant with my brother. And, um, my mom's from Scotland and nobody would get up. And she, I remember my mom, my mom's standing up and I'm on the bus, I'm five, five years old. And she just goes, you call yourselves men? It was like a Braveheart speech in the middle of the fucking bus. You call yourselves men? You're cowards. A pregnant woman standing on the bus. And then some guy like sheepishly got up and she goes, I don't want it anymore.

• 55:11Speaker 02

  Just chastising this whole bus, but people don't give a fuck. They really don't care.

• 55:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it is like.

• 55:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  They don't care.

• 55:16Tom Segura?

  But, you know, that does feel more like in New York, you're like, yeah, this is, yeah, we, we see it all here, you know?

• 55:23Speaker 02

  It's also like, you don't come here to have kids.

• 55:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 55:26Speaker 02

  You know, like New York, there's a purpose. You come here to make it in whatever your field is.

• 55:30Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 55:30Speaker 02

  And then some of us are crazy enough to be born there or create families there.

• 55:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:35Speaker 02

  But it's not really built for that.

• 55:37Tom Segura?

  And you, you live in the city, right?

• 55:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, born and raised.

• 55:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you know what? New York City kids, like when I go to New York and I watch a fucking like 10 year old with their friend. Yeah, and they're ordering their shit from Starbucks, they've got backpacks, they know where they're going. Yeah.

• 55:52Speaker 02

  It's, it's, that is something that like, I want to have there to be like a little more confidence. I feel like now that like. You know, the liberal cities are getting shit on and all that kind of stuff like that. It's just like, yeah, okay, whatever, but you're not gonna live in fucking Montana. Like, it's fun to go to for a week or whatever. It's just not reality. Like, it's, at the end of the day, when you're sitting and dreaming about like what your life could be like, you know? It's either you have this beautiful home and all your family and everybody living around you, or you're going after it in New York, Miami, LA. Maybe you guys can build Austin into it, you know what I mean?

• 56:23Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 56:23Speaker 02

  But like, it's not there yet. Like, you know what I mean? Like, just, just be honest. Like, just, I think if you're a young comedian, come here. This is where the industry is right there. And by industry, I mean, literally, you guys, Joe, Kill Tony. Like, this is where I see comedians exploding.

• 56:36Tom Segura?

  And a lot of them are moving here.

• 56:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  They are.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  If you're young, like, I was born and raised in New York.

• 56:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:42Speaker 02

  So for me to leave that is a big deal.

• 56:44Tom Segura?

  It's crazy.

• 56:45Speaker 02

  If you're from Maine and you moved to New York to be a stand-up comedian, and you have no real attachment to the city, and you can't get anything going, and you see all these people out in Austin.

• 56:55Tom Segura?

  This becomes accessible.

• 56:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 56:56Tom Segura?

  That's the thing. I think if you go to New York, you're 21 right now, you're like, I'm gonna start doing stand-up. You do go like, well, where the fuck do I start?

• 57:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:04Tom Segura?

  Like, where do I go?

• 57:05Speaker 02

  Also, do you see them cracking off in New York? That's, that's what I would look at. Like, the landscape before, when we were younger, was, okay, I see people getting on like Premium Blend or whatever that shit is. And then in LA, there was like, maybe a version of that as well. But like, Comedy Central's in both of these areas.

• 57:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:22Speaker 02

  I don't see people blowing up off Comedy Central. I see people blowing up off Clips.

• 57:26Tom Segura?

  Clips.

• 57:26Speaker 02

  Kill Tony, coming on pods, and like getting into these ecosystems. And in New York, I don't really see a thing in this moment where people are exploding out of. Like, that's an issue.

• 57:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 57:39Speaker 02

  Like, I, I think about this now, like, special's over, it's like, I think I wanna like make something specifically for that. I wanna have like a property where young comics can, can build a career out of. Or at least like get a spotlight on them, you know? Cause I don't feel like it's there. And to me, if I'm a young comic there, I'm going, oh, well, there are these other places with those spotlights.

• 57:59Tom Segura?

  I think you can get on your feet. Quicker in in Austin, right? Like, if you go, I'm going to New York or I'm going to LA. You know, your goal is like, I want to be at the cellar or I want to be at the store or something.

• 58:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:11Tom Segura?

  But you just go like, well, it's gonna take a long time.

• 58:15Speaker 02

  That's the thing, it's daunting. We're like, here you come out and do it.

• 58:18Tom Segura?

  You could probably, you can get on that stage.

• 58:19Speaker 02

  There's less competition here. Much less. Like, like, the high level guys are elite. And then there's like a big gap. And then there's like really talented four, five level, four, five year guys.

• 58:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:33Speaker 02

  But there's not a lot of like the 10, 12 year professional comedian.

• 58:37Tom Segura?

  True.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  And that's what New York has.

• 58:40Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 58:40Speaker 02

  And I think that's what LA has. It's just like the 12 year guys that go up and they crush. And the first time you see them, you're like, who the fuck is this guy? Like, what's going, and there's just 100 of them. And that's, I think, where you kind of really kind of set the standard for your comedy.

• 58:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:55Speaker 02

  Like, that worked for me, like, following Greer Barnes for a decade. You're just like, holy shit, this is the funniest human being I've ever, it's like, the audience just thought it was the funniest. Following Mike Britt for a decade. Once Austin attracts all those.

• 59:10Tom Segura?

  Then wow, yeah, true.

• 59:12Speaker 02

  You know, because think about the four, five year guys, they gotta follow that. Mm hmm. You know, like.

• 59:16Tom Segura?

  It makes you stronger.

• 59:17Speaker 02

  Yeah. Definitely. I mean, that's what we went through.

• 59:19Tom Segura?

  I was thinking about, like, when I thought about you coming in, I was like, thinking about how many New York guys make me laugh so hard that are like, you know, that are. Yeah, because I just had, DeStefano came out.

• 59:30Speaker 02

  Chrissy, hilarious.

• 59:31Tom Segura?

  He came out to Chicago and did the show with me over the weekend.

• 59:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:35Tom Segura?

  And he is so fucking funny onstage and off.

• 59:39Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, great hang, too.

• 59:40Tom Segura?

  He's a great hang. Um, and I was thinking of like the, um, well, like, Tim Dillon's a New York guy.

• 59:46Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 59:46Tom Segura?

  He's such a ridiculous, funny guy. Um, I guess they're Philly guys, but they're, they live in New York, the Are You Garbage guys.

• 59:53Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, love them.

• 59:55Tom Segura?

  But like, they have, you guys all have that, there's like that East Coast kind of. Type of person.

• 1:00:01Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 1:00:01Tom Segura?

  Quality to them that is like, they say shit, they're unapologetic.

• 1:00:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:05Tom Segura?

  They're just so.

• 1:00:06Speaker 02

  Opinionated about everything.

• 1:00:07Tom Segura?

  Opinionated.

• 1:00:07Speaker 02

  It's really, that's what it comes down.

• 1:00:09Tom Segura?

  Here's the thing, you realize this after you do stand up for a while, you cannot be considered a funny person if you don't have opinions.

• 1:00:16Speaker 02

  Strong opinions.

• 1:00:17Tom Segura?

  You have to have a, it doesn't have to be right or wrong, it doesn't matter. Just have to feel a strong way.

• 1:00:21Speaker 02

  And that is New York, like, in a nutshell, and maybe even the Northeast, it's just like, strong opinions, completely uninformed.

• 1:00:27Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:00:28Speaker 02

  And we don't care.

• 1:00:29Tom Segura?

  That's right.

• 1:00:29Speaker 02

  If you can ask somebody from New York how they feel about anything, it could be wooden tables, and they will tell you immediately how they feel about it.

• 1:00:36Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:00:36Speaker 02

  And with nothing backing it at all.

• 1:00:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:39Speaker 02

  Like, just, should we buy Greenland? I'm not gonna pay for it. It'd be nice to have, you know, just an immediate opinion.

• 1:00:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there doesn't even have to be logic there, at all. Like, the less logic, the better, and it's just strong feelings.

• 1:00:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, and sometimes you don't know if they believe it, and it really doesn't matter.

• 1:00:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's beautiful.

• 1:00:57Tom Segura?

  It is pretty beautiful, actually.

• 1:00:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  You seem so, you've changed, I think, since you've had a child.

• 1:01:03Speaker 02

  Oh, no way.

• 1:01:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  I sense a calmness and a stillness.

• 1:01:07Speaker 02

  Cool, yeah, I'm gay now, yeah.

• 1:01:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're gay, you're sucking cocks.

• 1:01:12Tom Segura?

  You're such a gay guy.

• 1:01:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're buttfucking, you're rimming, um, is that accurate, am I being accurate, or are you just like?

• 1:01:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, I wonder, I think there's a, I think so.

• 1:01:21Tom Segura?

  There's a grounding force that happens with.

• 1:01:22Speaker 02

  I just care less, like, my world is like, small in terms of the things I care about.

• 1:01:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure.

• 1:01:28Speaker 02

  So it's like, I care about how my, my wife and my family feel about me, my immediate friends, of course, and, um, yeah, it's just, I'm very satisfied with that. Whereas before, what the world thinks about you is really important, you're so concerned, like, will I be able to achieve my dreams, and what if this thing happens or that thing happens, and, uh, obviously, I went through like, you know, a million different crazy things, but, um. But yeah, I just, I just don't really care about them as much anymore.

• 1:01:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Isn't that liberating though?

• 1:01:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's awesome.

• 1:01:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I agree. Since I had breast cancer, I don't have it anymore.

• 1:02:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:02:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you go through that.

• 1:02:02Speaker 02

  I was part of the research I did on it.

• 1:02:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, yeah.

• 1:02:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it, uh, it totally like fillets you. It opens your, your whole shit up.

• 1:02:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you're like, whoa, like I'm gonna die.

• 1:02:11Speaker 02

  Did you think you were gonna be out of here?

• 1:02:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:13Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:02:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course, you get that diagnosis and you're like, well, how bad is it? Well, we all know for two weeks. So that two weeks of sweating it out and waiting, we went to Italy, thank God, and had a good time, but like, you start to go like, well, what's really important here? I've got time, a certain amount of time left on this planet. What's it gonna be? Is it gonna be like, whatever, whatever your priorities are?

• 1:02:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, what did you wanna do with that time?

• 1:02:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, at first I was more concerned about touring and being a famous comedian and accolades and, and now I don't care as much. It's really like I'm hydroponic gardening.

• 1:02:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have a cat.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm really into my cat.

• 1:02:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm relearning Hungarian, I'm playing the drums, like just doing things that I

• 1:02:51Speaker 02

  That nourish you.

• 1:02:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Didn't love, couldn't do because I was so focused on being the driven comedian and trying to make it, which we all are.

• 1:02:58Speaker 02

  That's so like outside in, right? It's like, you go, it's out of your control.

• 1:03:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:04Speaker 02

  Right? It's like if these people like you, they like you. If they don't like you, don't. If you have like cultural utility in that moment.

• 1:03:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:09Speaker 02

  You know, like Yakov Smirnoff is, is, I don't know that much about his standup, but I imagine the fact that like we're in a cold with Russia probably leaned into some of the success and interest in that person.

• 1:03:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:20Speaker 02

  So a lot of times with comedy, it's like, do you have cultural utility?

• 1:03:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:23Speaker 02

  And that decides how meteoric your rise is.

• 1:03:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  So weird, isn't it?

• 1:03:28Speaker 02

  You know, so, but yeah, it's cool that you're just doing the things that make you happy. Time, man, you can't get that time back. That's

• 1:03:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the biggest one.

• 1:03:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, and maybe as we get older, it's way more apparent. I never considered time at all.

• 1:03:39Tom Segura?

  It definitely, it definitely hits you more with every year.

• 1:03:42Speaker 02

  And like every person I talk to talks about how fast they, they, they grow the kids.

• 1:03:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, the kids is really interesting. Like hearing people talk about their kids really brings out the best version of themselves in a lot of ways. And it's kind of beautiful, uh. My experience with with kids, a lot of times, especially with comedians, is like the jokes they make about them. And a lot of times, like when I was growing up, it was they were hating their kids and it was kind of funny.

• 1:04:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:11Speaker 02

  And um, but now that I have a kid, I'm like, I I don't believe you hate your kid at all.

• 1:04:18Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:04:19Speaker 02

  You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's uh, like, I think Bernie Mac loved those kids. Oh, yeah. Like, and I never thought he hated them. And I was like, oh, they annoy him. But there's a beautiful love that he's gonna take in these children that aren't even his.

• 1:04:32Tom Segura?

  It's an angle, you know, you have to have like some angle on stage with something.

• 1:04:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:36Tom Segura?

  The truth is like, like when, you know, we talk about our kids usually either on a podcast or or on stage. You are, the end goal is laughs, right? So you're you're saying, and you're kind of sharing one note.

• 1:04:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:48Tom Segura?

  Cause like, does somebody really want me to be like, let me tell you how adorable.

• 1:04:53Speaker 02

  No, not at all, not at all, yeah.

• 1:04:54Tom Segura?

  They don't want to hear it.

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  And also, it's like, uh, what is it? Like the old Borscht Bell comedy, you know, take my life, please. It's like, that is the momentary feeling, like your kids will do something that for like two seconds, you will have this like crazy reaction to.

• 1:05:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:07Speaker 02

  And that's usually the funniest thing.

• 1:05:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:08Speaker 02

  I guess when I tried to tell people that like maybe don't understand comedy that much, it's like the our opinions are not like how we feel all the time.

• 1:05:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:16Speaker 02

  It is the knee jerk emotional reaction that we know is crazy.

• 1:05:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:20Speaker 02

  But it's funny for that reason.

• 1:05:22Tom Segura?

  Well, that's the thing is that we clock that thing where we go, oh, sharing this is funny. This is a funny thing to share.

• 1:05:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:30Tom Segura?

  The rest of it, you you you get just more savvy at being like, don't share the fat. And like, nobody wants to hear how sweet something was.

• 1:05:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:37Tom Segura?

  On stage, you know? I mean, last dude, yesterday, I was with my old, my oldest is nine.

• 1:05:42Speaker 02

  But I do like hearing that from people.

• 1:05:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's fun to talk about with like somebody, but like, our nine year old, I was like, you doing his homework with him and I was like, and he was fucking around. I was like, dude, you gotta focus. And he's like, da da da. And he's like, just fucking off. And I was like, come on, man. You you know what? We're just not gonna, he's like, I think somebody just needs a big.

• 1:06:03Tom Segura?

  And he gave me a big hug and I was like.

• 1:06:05Speaker 02

  I love it.

• 1:06:06Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:06:08Speaker 02

  I love it.

• 1:06:08Tom Segura?

  He's like, better? I go, yeah, just fucking read, man.

• 1:06:11Speaker 02

  He's parenting you?

• 1:06:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  But there's also too, something about the suffering.

• 1:06:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of having a child, the suffering, like for the woman, it's the pregnancy, it's the physical suffering. Your body literally splits in half, you know, your pelvis opens and this thing comes out of you and you're changed forever. And there's life before, children and life after, and you can't go back to the life you had before.

• 1:06:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  You have to become a totally different human being.

• 1:06:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  And there's something in that selflessness, that suffering, especially at your level of the first few years where it's so, they're so needy, they're so, everything is about mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy and.

• 1:06:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just keeping them alive.

• 1:06:47Speaker 02

  So much mommy.

• 1:06:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's more mommy.

• 1:06:49Speaker 02

  I get to come in and have fun with her, you know, it's great.

• 1:06:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  But for girls, you're so important too.

• 1:06:54Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 1:06:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're gonna set her up for her marriage, and I think the most important decision you can make is who you marry.

• 1:07:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is it. If you marry the wrong man, woman, your fuck, your life is fucked.

• 1:07:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is 90% of your life is who you marry.

• 1:07:07Speaker 02

  Did you ever wanna, did you ever wanna stop doing stand up when you had kids?

• 1:07:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, cuz I loved them so much and I felt so guilty leaving them.

• 1:07:15Speaker 02

  Interesting.

• 1:07:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wanna stop doing it now cuz I love my kids so much and I am, I'm taking down a couple of years, I'm gonna fucking be with my kids, they need me.

• 1:07:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, there is like a weird, so my wife was, uh, she's like a very successful woman, you know, she's got her MBA, she's working for Apple, she's like managing AI projects and like, she had a lot of trouble grappling with the fact that she didn't wanna do that.

• 1:07:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:40Speaker 02

  And she just wanted to be a mom.

• 1:07:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:42Speaker 02

  Even the sentence, just wanna be a mom. And there's this like weird thing that I've noticed that i- it's like, uh, like people would ask her that she bumped that she worked with, they would, they'd go, uh, so where are you working now? And it was like the hardest thing in the world for her to be like, oh, I'm not, I'm, I'm just a mom. And, um, I wonder if places like Texas or it's maybe not as, um.

• 1:08:07Speaker 02

  I don't wanna say like criticized, but maybe like potentially like looked down upon.

• 1:08:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's more celebrated. It's more normal to be a stay at home mom here.

• 1:08:13Speaker 02

  But that is, that is a weird thing. And maybe that's like what you sacrifice when the pendulum kinda swings. Like obviously, you know, my mom, my dad like worked for my mom. Like, you know, women work, women do all these things. You can do whatever you want. But uh, when the pendulum swings in, in, in a certain direction where it's like, hey, women, you gotta get out there and you gotta do this. And then it, it almost leaves behind this idea that like taking care of your kids isn't getting out there and doing it. Yeah, I wonder how we get, how we like create societal value in that again.

• 1:08:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, the thing is, is that women got into men's spaces, right? We're gonna go and work. We're gonna be in your space. But men don't wanna be in our space.

• 1:08:49Speaker 02

  Yo, I was having a conversation, I was having a conversation with some girls that work for me about this and um, that, you know, there's like this trad wife trend that's coming back. Have you heard about this?

• 1:08:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:59Speaker 02

  So like a traditional trad, was it trad cath or some shit like that? Traditional Catholic wife or whatever it is. So I guess a lot of women now just going like, yo, I'm good just being like the housewife. This is, this is great. And I was like, where's that kinda coming from? And they're like, they had an interesting thing. They're like, we thought when we worked, right? That you guys would also take on some of the things that we used to do. So for example, you used to work, we used to take care of the house. Now we work.

• 1:09:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 1:09:27Speaker 02

  And you work, but you also take care of the house. And we're like, where the fuck did you get that idea?

• 1:09:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:33Speaker 02

  Like.

• 1:09:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, they don't.

• 1:09:34Tom Segura?

  It's just not happening.

• 1:09:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. So, so now you gotta work and take care of the house. Dummies?

• 1:09:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's too much. Dummies is right. It's too much.

• 1:09:44Speaker 02

  And here's the problem. We don't care if the house is dirty. Like, right? Like, like so, so, and it is just like a, we're not meeting expectations. So you'll think when you clean the house, you're cleaning it for me. But I don't need it clean.

• 1:10:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:10:01Speaker 02

  But you resent me.

• 1:10:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 1:10:02Speaker 02

  For not helping you do the thing that's just for you.

• 1:10:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  The girl things, the girl shit in the house. But you guys don't wanna do it. Nobody, nobody said in the man's world, I wanna be in a woman's world. The women said, I wanna be in the man's world. Okay, great. You wanna join us? Great. We did that.

• 1:10:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  But the problem with feminism and the women's movement.

• 1:10:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  It didn't account for becoming a mother. There was Gloria Steinem, God bless her. I love, I, I don't hate these people. I'm just saying, there was Gloria never had babies. So how the fuck do we do what the men are doing and be a good mother?

• 1:10:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's all, it's so hard to do both at the same time.

• 1:10:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's almost impossible.

• 1:10:37Tom Segura?

  Well, it's like, it's almost like those traditional gender roles exist for a reason.

• 1:10:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  You mean like thousands of years of evolution and biology?

• 1:10:45Tom Segura?

  Happened this way.

• 1:10:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:46Tom Segura?

  And just because the modern world took its turn and evolved to what it is.

• 1:10:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:50Tom Segura?

  It really doesn't negate what thousands of years kind of dictate.

• 1:10:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:54Tom Segura?

  And then you find that like, a lot of women, it's, the, the problem isn't the choice to be like, I want to be, it's the, you know, it's the looking down on it.

• 1:11:03Speaker 02

  That's, that's what's fucked up.

• 1:11:05Tom Segura?

  The pretentiousness.

• 1:11:06Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I feel like that's kind of.

• 1:11:07Tom Segura?

  And it is probably stronger in a city like New York.

• 1:11:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:10Tom Segura?

  Where they're like, oh, you can't, whoa, you can't fucking do both? Like, it's like.

• 1:11:13Speaker 02

  But I also, I also feel like there's a little bit of self hatred there.

• 1:11:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:17Speaker 02

  It's like, I think some, some women are kind of envious of the fact that these other women have children and families and this other purpose and this thing to live for.

• 1:11:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:25Speaker 02

  And they've dedicated their entire life to, you know, working at this job that they might not even fucking like.

• 1:11:29Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:11:30Speaker 02

  But they got that VP title.

• 1:11:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:32Speaker 02

  But now they're 45 with the VP title and all their friends have these beautiful families. They can't go out to dinner every Tuesday.

• 1:11:38Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:11:38Speaker 02

  They're busy. And it's a, yeah, maybe they feel, they feel kind of like lied to or manipulated.

• 1:11:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  They are. Because what's the, so the way I see it too, like, look, some women have to work as well as the husband. This is just a fact of reality.

• 1:11:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Most.

• 1:11:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, I totally, and I'm blessed that my husband makes enough money that I can just be a mom.

• 1:12:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I'm so, it's such a fucking honor. But I think the point is, is that there, it's not bringing in revenue. It's, it's not what the male value is, right? Cause you guys have to generate revenue to be considered a valid part of society.

• 1:12:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  So women bought into this shit too. Well, if I'm not bringing in dollars, if I'm not making bread, I'm useless too. It's like, no, this is different value.

• 1:12:22Tom Segura?

  Go make bread. That's, I got nothing wrong with that. Like, for real, like, you know, my mom, my mom killed it. So. And, and my dad was more the caregiver, to be honest with you.

• 1:12:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 1:12:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, way more so.

• 1:12:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tell me about this.

• 1:12:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he was just, he was just like, it's more in his nature. Like, I, I was with my dad, I think, for the first like six months of my life. My dad took off work and my, cause my mom would teach dance lessons. That was their business.

• 1:12:45Speaker 02

  And my dad was working for NBC was like doing like a news segments who produced the news. And then, uh, so he was able to take like a paternity leave unpaid at the time, but you could take time off without being fired. So I was just with him for like the first three months of my life. And I think that, and he's awesome. Like he's the greatest staffer. He's like my hero, but, uh, I do think that there was something that happened there in that bonding experience. Like, yeah, he's just, yeah, he's just, he's just a man.

• 1:13:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's your, is he, is he a softer, is he more emotionally attuned than your mother?

• 1:13:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, my mom, like you could talk to my mom about anything, but there's just, he's just, his dad was horrible and it's almost like he just made a decision.

• 1:13:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:13:23Speaker 02

  If I have kids, I'm not going to be that.

• 1:13:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 1:13:25Speaker 02

  And he was at every single, like right now he has dementia. I could call him. I could be like, hey, you want to come to, uh, the show tonight? And he'll be like, yeah, sure. Like where is it? And then he'll forget and I'll call him back and be like, you want to come to the show? And every single time it would be the same answer.

• 1:13:38Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:13:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. He would come to every single show that I could ever, he introduces me in the special, actually.

• 1:13:43Tom Segura?

  Oh, he does?

• 1:13:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:43Tom Segura?

  I love the, um, that MSG thing you did with him.

• 1:13:47Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. I was, he, I had to tell him we were at MSG like 20 different times while we were there. Yeah. But it's funny, like my, he, he offered to get my wife pregnant, like, I, I go there, I go to see him every week and I, you know, I was like, yeah, we're, you know, kind of struggling to get pregnant and his, his joke would be like, eh, you need some help? I can, you know, I could take care of it. And I'd be like, ah, dad. And then next week, yeah, we're still kind of struggling. If you need some help, you know, I mean, he delivered this same joke for like three months.

• 1:14:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Still funny though. So how did you resolve your sperm issue?

• 1:14:21Speaker 02

  Uh, well, we did IVF. So basically what they can do is they call it cleaning the sperm.

• 1:14:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  They washed.

• 1:14:25Speaker 02

  So they washed it. Yeah. And then, um, they found a couple of good ones. And I think we even did this thing called like ICSI or something like that where they, I mean, I, I did the least amount of work to get my wife pregnant. Like I think they actually took an individual sperm and they put it at the door. They did like a door, knock and dash, or whatever that thing is. And they put it right on the egg.

• 1:14:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 1:14:46Speaker 02

  And then you're just like, come on, do the rest. And then.

• 1:14:49Tom Segura?

  Did you get, did you, uh, watch porn?

• 1:14:52Speaker 02

  To, to jerk off?

• 1:14:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah. In a, they took me to a, a room.

• 1:14:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's, that's what I did.

• 1:15:00Tom Segura?

  It was a old Filipino nurse.

• 1:15:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:15:03Tom Segura?

  And she was like, uh, here a remote, here they. You watch your movies?

• 1:15:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:09Tom Segura?

  And then my joke to her, I was like, do you stay in the room?

• 1:15:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:12Tom Segura?

  She's like, no.

• 1:15:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I have a, I have a, this is a large part of at the end.

• 1:15:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:15:18Tom Segura?

  Did you find it, by the way?

• 1:15:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I have to pee, I have a UTI.

• 1:15:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:22Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:15:22Speaker 02

  What's it?

• 1:15:23Tom Segura?

  She's gonna go pee.

• 1:15:24Speaker 02

  Oh, you have a UTI? Okay, go, go, go. Yeah.

• 1:15:28Tom Segura?

  So one of the things about like a themed special.

• 1:15:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:15:31Tom Segura?

  I find it really like impressive and challenging because, you know, a lot of times you're up there and, you know, you, we have our bits about a topic.

• 1:15:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:39Tom Segura?

  And then the shit's over.

• 1:15:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:40Tom Segura?

  Like, it's over.

• 1:15:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:42Tom Segura?

  And then I've seen usually like UK comics.

• 1:15:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:46Tom Segura?

  Cause they'll do the festival, the festival circuit's so big, so they'll do, here's like, you know, here's the theme.

• 1:15:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:50Tom Segura?

  My dad.

• 1:15:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:51Tom Segura?

  And it's just a fucking hour.

• 1:15:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:53Tom Segura?

  And I'm always like, well, you know, that's, it feels like a big hurdle. I remember Ari did that one Jew.

• 1:15:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:59Tom Segura?

  Which is really good.

• 1:16:00Speaker 02

  Fantastic.

• 1:16:00Tom Segura?

  It's really, really good. And it was a theme and I was like, that's really like, did you, did you set out to make it an hour?

• 1:16:07Speaker 02

  I didn't know that's what it was gonna be. And then I was going through and it was the only thing on my mind. Like I couldn't write a joke about like some like the trans swimmer or something.

• 1:16:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:15Speaker 02

  Like all these topical things would happen, which is usually really fun.

• 1:16:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:18Speaker 02

  Even if it's not gonna go in a longer piece, it's like, oh, my brain will kind of chew on it and I'll find an angle. And I just couldn't give a fuck about any of it. And then, um, I started talking about this and I'd never been personal in my comedy. Like I never thought my life was interesting enough to be personal.

• 1:16:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:33Speaker 02

  I always thought like my opinions on shit was more interesting.

• 1:16:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:36Speaker 02

  And, um, I just started talking about it and it was like, oh, this is like really cathartic. It's really fun. And then I found out about, it was my problem with the sperm. And then I felt a little bit more comfortable doing the sharing.

• 1:16:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:49Speaker 02

  When I, when it could have been.

• 1:16:50Tom Segura?

  It's not like she's the fucking, yeah. It's like, it's, it's in, which is also like, it's vulnerable, but it's also, it's more permission to laugh.

• 1:16:58Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:16:58Tom Segura?

  From them because you're like, me.

• 1:16:59Speaker 02

  Cause you think about her. I, I remember even earlier doing it, talking about like how difficult it was to get pregnant before I knew.

• 1:17:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:06Speaker 02

  I could feel the women in the audience like being concerned for her.

• 1:17:11Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:17:11Speaker 02

  Cause every one of them, especially in New York, they don't have kids until they're way older. Like, they're like, oh, fuck, is that gonna be me?

• 1:17:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:17Speaker 02

  And the second I tell them it's me, the way these women laugh.

• 1:17:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:23Speaker 02

  Like.

• 1:17:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:24Speaker 02

  They're happy almost.

• 1:17:26Tom Segura?

  Well, I always find too, like, I don't even feel like it's conscious necessarily.

• 1:17:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:17:30Tom Segura?

  That as I'm always putting together new hours. That first bit where it's like, hey, I'm the dummy.

• 1:17:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:17:38Tom Segura?

  It's like the room just leans in and they go, oh, great.

• 1:17:42Speaker 02

  Like, you know, I was talking to Ari Matti, you know, Ari Matti? Last night, he had an interesting observation about American stand up where it's, it is, and how it's different from like European stand up, where there is a much less pretentiousness. He goes like, European stand up, and I don't know if this is entirely true, but, and I wouldn't say all of it. Right? Like, my mom's born and raised in Scotland, so I watched like a lot of Scottish stand up and listened to it come growing up. And I would say there were definitely parallels, but he goes, it comes from this theater culture where like the person on stage is the smartest person.

• 1:18:16Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:18:17Speaker 02

  And you are all dumber and you will listen to these smart thoughts that I have.

• 1:18:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:24Speaker 02

  And American stand up is, nah, I'm dumb.

• 1:18:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:28Speaker 02

  I'm dumb too, or I'm going through it, or I'm having this like emotional turmoil and I'm in here with you. Like, we're starting in these comedy clubs where we are, you're at a chair right next to me and you're probably going through this thing like me. I never really thought about it like that, but there is something connective and I think that's why it's so synonymous with like American art forms. Like, when people think about stand up, it's the American thing. I don't care around the world. It's our thing. And I think it is our relation to the audience in that way. We're not speaking above them.

• 1:18:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:18:57Speaker 02

  We're almost beneath them at times. We're like inviting you to laugh at the most brutal thing that we might have gone through.

• 1:19:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, the more that like you're humiliated in something, the more the audience leans in. I was like, I like this guy.

• 1:19:08Speaker 02

  I like this fucking guy. Yeah, it's, there's a, yes, it's like even like the, when they roast the president, the Correspondence Dinner. Like, I think it's an awesome American tradition to like humble the most powerful person on the planet.

• 1:19:22Tom Segura?

  That's true.

• 1:19:23Speaker 02

  It makes me really patriotic.

• 1:19:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:25Speaker 02

  Like, we got a sense of humor about ourselves. You're the most powerful person in the land and you're gonna sit down here and take these jokes?

• 1:19:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:33Speaker 02

  From someone who's got 30 minutes on Hulu?

• 1:19:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:37Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean? Like, and we all get to laugh at you, like?

• 1:19:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so good.

• 1:19:41Tom Segura?

  It's true.

• 1:19:42Speaker 02

  It's amazing.

• 1:19:43Tom Segura?

  And you think about with stand up, like the more flaws you have, the funnier, like especially like, you know, physical flaws.

• 1:19:50Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:19:51Tom Segura?

  Right? Like if you got the big nose, if you're fat, if you got a gap tooth, all that is like, people go, oh, I like this guy. I like, I like his flaws. It's like, it's an invitation to be like, this is imperfect person because stand up, you can't be the sexiest, coolest person ever.

• 1:20:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it doesn't work forever. And especially as a woman, I feel like if you're playing like the hot girl card.

• 1:20:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's a real expiration date on that. I'd say you hit the wall at 40.

• 1:20:16Speaker 02

  It can become shtick too. Like I think it's really enticing when you first see it. You know, and then if it's just the same thing over and over again, I think we kind of hear.

• 1:20:26Tom Segura?

  We got it.

• 1:20:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, we get it. But I couldn't wait to get older, uglier, wrinklier and fatter and more authoritative.

• 1:20:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause now, and I haven't been on stage in a while, but.

• 1:20:36Speaker 02

  That's a, that's a really, that's a confidence statement right there. I was too hot when I was younger.

• 1:20:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, but just by virtue, just by virtue of being young and blonde and I had great tits and you know, just by virtue of being a 28 year old blonde chick.

• 1:20:52Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, yes, yes.

• 1:20:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't even, you know, in the stand up world, I was a hottie, but in the regular world.

• 1:20:57Tom Segura?

  I went to her show one time. She was in Florida somewhere and I go to, to the bathroom.

• 1:21:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, God.

• 1:21:02Tom Segura?

  And the guys, guys at the urinal and then he's like, he talks, he tells another guy, he's like, chick on stage. And he's like, oh yeah? How are tits?

• 1:21:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:11Tom Segura?

  And he's like, ah, pretty fucking good. I was like, that's what they're dealing with is they're like, what's, what are those tits like?

• 1:21:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just by virtue of you being a woman. Doesn't matter if you're attractive.

• 1:21:21Speaker 02

  I just want to point out, girls do this too. So I had a, a, a girl tell me that like she was at the bathroom of one of my shows and the, uh, the girls were talking about the size of my hands. Now, I'm not saying this is like some braggadocious thing. I don't think my hands are kind of, maybe I have like a little bit bigger hands, but like it, we're still just objectifying the fucking thing.

• 1:21:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:43Speaker 02

  The light is on, you know?

• 1:21:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:47Tom Segura?

  They're like, what's that bulge like? Check out his bulge.

• 1:21:49Speaker 02

  Definitely weren't saying that at all.

• 1:21:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:53Speaker 02

  But yeah, anyway.

• 1:21:54Tom Segura?

  The only thirsty comments I ever get on Instagram are dudes.

• 1:21:58Speaker 02

  Now, you gotta be getting shit now that you're skinny and like ripped.

• 1:22:01Tom Segura?

  It's dudes, though. Like dudes are the ones that, maybe a woman thinks it, but a guy comments. The guy's like, looking sexy.

• 1:22:09Speaker 02

  Oh, you're baiting right now. Now, this is good. Now, the girls are gonna be in your DMs.

• 1:22:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck. Andrew, Andrew. Stop.

• 1:22:19Speaker 02

  But anyway, doing the theme thing, I think was interesting is that, um, telling a story, you're really good at this. I watch your stand up. And you're like a natural storyteller. But like, it's, there's like a real skill to telling stories that people I think don't realize.

• 1:22:32Tom Segura?

  I think so, for sure. Over, especially, you realize that, first you watch it, because I remember being like, my favorite thing was when I would watch Chappelle just tell a story. Like, be like, this is what happened today. And I was like, oh, I want to do that.

• 1:22:48Speaker 02

  He's incredible at commanding attention.

• 1:22:50Tom Segura?

  It's so good. And then I realized, as a young comic, I was like, oh, I don't have the skill set yet. In other words, like, it was something that I was trying to evolve into.

• 1:22:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:23:00Tom Segura?

  Because I was good at doing it this way, like, telling friends what happened over the weekend. And they were like, that was like such a good, but I couldn't do it on stage. But I always wanted to do it on stage. And then you realize that, like, the way to do it, at least the way I do it, is you go up there and you tell a too long a story.

• 1:23:18Speaker 02

  Interesting.

• 1:23:18Tom Segura?

  And then, you know, and then you, there's funny moments in it, and then you go, okay, all this information is not needed.

• 1:23:23Speaker 02

  Oh, and you're saying you keep it fat and then you whittle it down?

• 1:23:26Tom Segura?

  And then you whittle it down.

• 1:23:27Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, I, um, I was like, what, what, what makes a story so compelling? Like, I'm trying to understand, because if somebody walks in a room right now and goes, hey, guys, I got this, this crazy story, like, we'll give you 15 seconds.

• 1:23:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:23:39Speaker 02

  Anybody, it's, and then I was even doing like some research on it. Apparently, it's like our oldest form of digesting information. Like, we remember stories in a way that we don't remember just like facts or just random information. But stories kind of get like locked in our brains, right? It's the reason why, like, the Bible is all stories. It's not like, hey, here are the rules. It's like, well, let me show you the rules. And then maybe you'll figure out this story. And um, so I started reading all these books about like storytelling and like understanding like three arc structure and all this kinda shit.

• 1:24:09Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:24:09Speaker 02

  And I was like, okay, maybe I can turn this into a story. And then I was like, I don't want anybody coming to the show to know that it's a story.

• 1:24:20Tom Segura?

  Got it.

• 1:24:21Speaker 02

  Cause I feel like sometimes with the one man show stuff, you're basically asking the audience to lower their bar for humor.

• 1:24:28Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:24:28Speaker 02

  Because there is a compelling thoughtful journey you're there about to go on. And I didn't want that. Like, I want you to come expecting the hard hitting stand up and see if I can get you to like, I can almost like trick you into this story.

• 1:24:43Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:24:43Speaker 02

  So in the beginning, you don't even know it's a story. You just think I'm kinda like riffing, I'll say some stuff, oh yeah, I even tell them about having the baby like up front. So like I take this idea of us not being able to have one out of it.

• 1:24:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:56Speaker 02

  And then there's some things that happen, whatever, but, but yeah, it was, it was cool to like take that on. Yeah.

• 1:25:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's very.

• 1:25:02Speaker 02

  Really cool. And you can see the energy is different. Like there are moments where I'm just doing jokes and there's moments where I'm like telling you a story and you really wanna know what's going on. And maybe it's, I'm biased, but I'm there watching it back and I can feel the audience like, okay, I'd really like to know where this is going.

• 1:25:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:21Speaker 02

  Opposed to a joke where they're like, where's the, where's the trick coming?

• 1:25:24Tom Segura?

  Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. That's interesting. The other thing that like, it sounds like you did it in this, I learned over the time telling stories on stage is that the work isn't so much in like you've, part of it is like you're either kind of good at telling stories or you're not. It's um, why are you telling the story?

• 1:25:42Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:25:43Tom Segura?

  And if you, if like, like in other words, what's your way in? And the way in is how, is whether the audi, the story has stakes.

• 1:25:51Speaker 02

  Can you give me an example of that?

• 1:25:52Tom Segura?

  Well, it's like you, you just being like telling a story about.

• 1:25:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:25:59Tom Segura?

  Having putting sperm in a cup.

• 1:26:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:26:02Tom Segura?

  It's kind of funny.

• 1:26:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:26:03Tom Segura?

  On its own.

• 1:26:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:26:04Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 1:26:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:26:04Tom Segura?

  But if the lead up to that is that I've been trying to have a baby.

• 1:26:10Speaker 02

  This didn't work.

• 1:26:11Tom Segura?

  This didn't work.

• 1:26:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:26:12Tom Segura?

  This is it. Now this story has way more stakes.

• 1:26:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:26:16Tom Segura?

  And is funnier.

• 1:26:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:26:17Tom Segura?

  Right? And so a lot of times like I'll see guys tell like a pretty funny story.

• 1:26:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:26:22Tom Segura?

  I'm like, yeah, that you don't really need to work on that story.

• 1:26:24Speaker 02

  You just had to.

• 1:26:25Tom Segura?

  Set up the stakes. You need to set it up better.

• 1:26:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's really, yeah, I almost feel like the art of storytelling is not appreciated enough because it comes across so naturally.

• 1:26:35Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:26:36Speaker 02

  You're at a bar and there's some fucking Irish guy, red face, that's just the funniest storyteller. And it's so organic to my brother is like this amazing storyteller. It just, he tells the craziest things and he knows how to organize it so naturally. So when I think we see it on stage, we don't understand that that type of like thought and attention to the detail goes into it.

• 1:26:56Tom Segura?

  Goes into it, yeah.

• 1:26:57Speaker 02

  Like we're creating a vessel for your interest.

• 1:27:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:00Speaker 02

  Now you're interested and now we have to maintain that interest and up the stakes kind of every single time.

• 1:27:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:08Speaker 02

  If everything's kind of working out, you're bored.

• 1:27:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:11Speaker 02

  You know, what's an episode of Curb? Destruction.

• 1:27:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:14Speaker 02

  Every moment is this car crash.

• 1:27:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the, the why is like the work, I think.

• 1:27:20Speaker 02

  So, so you'll have a fun story. Let's say you have a, you know, fun story between you guys or with, with your kid. How much are you putting into the why?

• 1:27:29Tom Segura?

  I mean, sometimes like I would say.

• 1:27:31Speaker 02

  Like you backing the why into it?

• 1:27:33Tom Segura?

  Um, um, yeah. So like even like when I'm on tour right now, I'm closing with a story. And it's a funny story on its own. But I kind of worked out this reason for telling it.

• 1:27:46Speaker 02

  Can you give me like a past joke? Cause I don't want you to give away like something that you're, you're doing now.

• 1:27:50Tom Segura?

  Uh, of a past.

• 1:27:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, the keys in the toilet?

• 1:27:55Tom Segura?

  Well, that that kind of falls into because like kid's stories, you kind of can introduce the idea of like, here are, here are, you know, my kids are like, and you start telling the story. So those you don't have to like, give the stakes to necessarily. I'm trying to think of like the, uh, wasn't it, there was the story about that fight that I witnessed in Philadelphia.

• 1:28:19Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:28:19Tom Segura?

  I, I saw this, this fight in a park.

• 1:28:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:28:23Tom Segura?

  In Philly, I'm trying to remember, now I'm trying to remember.

• 1:28:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  People jumped in, remember?

• 1:28:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was all, well, I had, yeah, so I had, um, a, a, a thing about how there's no such thing as white loyalty.

• 1:28:37Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:28:37Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 1:28:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:28:38Tom Segura?

  And so the, the jokes about that.

• 1:28:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:28:40Tom Segura?

  Set up the story. In other words, I said that like, like, um, a black guy who sees.

• 1:28:48Speaker 02

  Another black guy getting beat up.

• 1:28:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he'll be like, I don't know who this is.

• 1:28:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:28:52Tom Segura?

  But that, he's my brother. And if a white guy sees a white guy getting beat up, he's like, I don't know that fucking guy. I don't give a shit about that guy.

• 1:29:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's good.

• 1:29:00Tom Segura?

  And so those jokes set up the story, which is I witnessed a racial fight.

• 1:29:05Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 1:29:06Tom Segura?

  In, in this park in Philadelphia, literally going on a walk.

• 1:29:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:29:10Tom Segura?

  Where all I caught was this white guy walking away and yelling across the park, the N-bomb.

• 1:29:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:29:17Tom Segura?

  And I was like, yeah. And then I was like, this was like, immediately I was like, well, I don't know what's happening here, but I'm watching this shit.

• 1:29:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:29:23Tom Segura?

  And then the, the, I was like, I saw a black guy, I don't know if he lived in the bushes, but he popped out of the bush. And he came out and like, these guys were pummeling this guy.

• 1:29:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:29:34Tom Segura?

  And then I yelled something and then they looked at me and I was like, no, no, no. I'm not with him. I'm saying you guys get it. But that's also not a good example of what I'm saying. I can't even think of what, actually.

• 1:29:46Tom Segura?

  Let me think for a second. You guys talk and I'll pull up a.

• 1:29:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm really curious about this.

• 1:29:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:50Speaker 02

  Cause, uh, again, it's like one of those things where it's so natural that I think we don't realize the amount of skill that goes into it.

• 1:29:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure. And also my shrink and I were talking about storytelling and why it's so useful. It's because you can't. For instance, if I were to tell my child, be brave. Okay. But if you tell someone the story and it's unconsciously, you're connecting to elements.

• 1:30:15Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:30:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because when someone holds up just a mirror to you.

• 1:30:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:30:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not gonna see yourself.

• 1:30:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:30:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Unless you go like, oh, that's cool. I like that character who did this and that. And it's so unconsciously.

• 1:30:24Speaker 02

  They say, uh, more is caught than taught. Have you heard that?

• 1:30:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, tell me.

• 1:30:28Speaker 02

  And this is not like stories, but it's just like, you know, our kids just learn so much from observing us.

• 1:30:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God, yeah.

• 1:30:34Speaker 02

  Right? And we tell them what to do all the time, but I don't even remember anything really that, I think my dad told me to apologize. He's like, he said something about the importance of apologizing.

• 1:30:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah.

• 1:30:44Speaker 02

  And, um, my wife might disagree with this, but I, I think I'm, I can apologize when I do things wrong.

• 1:30:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's nice.

• 1:30:51Speaker 02

  Yeah. So, but outside of that, I just observed him doing shit.

• 1:30:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:55Speaker 02

  And that was the litmus test for behavior.

• 1:30:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, is your dad American?

• 1:31:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:31:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is he Jewish?

• 1:31:01Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:31:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, with Schulz?

• 1:31:03Speaker 02

  Most people think I'm Jewish.

• 1:31:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they do.

• 1:31:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm not Jewish. Yeah.

• 1:31:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where's the Schulz?

• 1:31:07Speaker 02

  So I can, I can vouch for the Jews right now that they've been going through it. Cause I get all that shit. And I can't write back to the comments when someone's calling me like fucking Zionist scum. I can't, but I'm not even Jewish. So I just sit there. I take it.

• 1:31:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, it's interesting. You're talking about stand-up because, uh, aren't Jews the, like the origin story of stand-up comedy? Doesn't it come from?

• 1:31:31Speaker 02

  I thought it would.

• 1:31:32Tom Segura?

  Come from Jews?

• 1:31:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, the, uh, you know, what you said, the word fuck, the cat skills.

• 1:31:36Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, the Borscht Belt.

• 1:31:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  The Borscht Belt.

• 1:31:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. I don't know if Jews started it, but, uh, but they're definitely, you know, prevalent.

• 1:31:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right?

• 1:31:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:31:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I want to say it starts with Jewish.

• 1:31:45Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:31:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 1:31:47Speaker 02

  I mean, I'm sure the Jews believe that.

• 1:31:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:50Tom Segura?

  I have a good example.

• 1:31:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:31:51Tom Segura?

  I have a good example. So I remember I had this story that a woman had told me.

• 1:31:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:31:58Tom Segura?

  About the time. She ended up, uh, basically blowing a lot of guys in the Wu-Tang Clan, right? And, and so I had this.

• 1:32:08Speaker 02

  Hold on, okay, is this how you set it up?

• 1:32:10Tom Segura?

  No, no, no. I'm, I'm telling, I'm giving you the example.

• 1:32:12Speaker 02

  You're giving me the breakdown, okay.

• 1:32:13Tom Segura?

  Breakdown.

• 1:32:14Speaker 02

  But you'll let me know when you get to set up?

• 1:32:17Tom Segura?

  So I have this story that is funny in and of itself.

• 1:32:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:32:21Tom Segura?

  But it's like, what is the way into this story to make it like, but more than just like, hey, a girl blew a bunch of guys in this group? And so the, the work for me was like, okay, figuring it out, the way in. The way in was that that was, leading up to it, I talked about how my mom was a dream crusher. How she would always, if I was like, I want to do this, she's a dream crusher.

• 1:32:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:32:51Tom Segura?

  So that was, I would tell that before, I'd have jokes about how, I used to be like, I want to do stand up. She's like, you should get a job at the post office and like, they have benefits. And I'm like, I don't fucking work at the post office. And I would talk about all how she is like such a dream crusher.

• 1:33:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:33:06Tom Segura?

  This would then end up with me saying, the thing about going for your dreams is that it doesn't matter if you achieve your dream. It matters that you go for your dream and that that dream will fulfill you, even if you don't reach your ultimate goal.

• 1:33:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:33:26Tom Segura?

  That would take me into the story about the girl blowing the nine guys.

• 1:33:30Speaker 02

  It's amazing.

• 1:33:31Tom Segura?

  So it was like, that gave that story the meaning of like, this is a woman going for her dreams. Now she ended up crying and she was very sad about blowing those nine guys.

• 1:33:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:33:41Tom Segura?

  But the story was pretty funny.

• 1:33:44Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:33:44Tom Segura?

  And the way in was what made it a much stronger story.

• 1:33:48Speaker 02

  A hundred percent. Yeah, now you're not just telling this sex story.

• 1:33:51Tom Segura?

  Exactly.

• 1:33:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, you've positioned her as a dreamer.

• 1:33:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of like, this is what she's always wanted.

• 1:33:56Speaker 02

  She's a winner. Yeah.

• 1:33:58Tom Segura?

  So I think like, when, whenever we do that for those types of bits, like story bits, you give your story much more power.

• 1:34:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, I actually think that like jokes put into story, like there's been jokes that I have that are, they're just an idea, right? I don't care what it is, like a plastic straws or something like that. That that plastic straw idea can fit within a story.

• 1:34:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:34:21Tom Segura?

  Hundred percent.

• 1:34:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Plug them in.

• 1:34:22Speaker 02

  And the way that people attach themselves to it is much deeper when that happens. Like, like I find like the guys who are just like doing the one line stuff, it's fine, but I don't know how attached I ever get to them. But like the storytellers, I imagine you guys probably have this with your audience, is like, they feel like they really know you.

• 1:34:41Tom Segura?

  Thousand percent, yes.

• 1:34:43Speaker 02

  And that deeper connection.

• 1:34:44Tom Segura?

  And if you could tell that plastic straw joke in one of those great stories.

• 1:34:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:34:48Tom Segura?

  Then you get, it's double value. You get like, that's such a great joke, and now it actually enhanced your story.

• 1:34:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's that, what was the thing about like the turtles? I think somebody was saying, oh, God, I'm gonna fuck it up. But like, this idea that, you know, we gotta save the turtles or whatever, and it's just like, hey, it's like, how fast does a turtle have to swim into a straw?

• 1:35:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:09Speaker 02

  For it to get lodged, you know, so it's like, there's the idea, but that could also be you on the beach.

• 1:35:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:14Speaker 02

  You know what I mean?

• 1:35:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:15Speaker 02

  And you're in this beautiful, you're creating the setting, you have your funny, you have your out.

• 1:35:20Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:35:20Speaker 02

  And now everything before that is just building to that moment.

• 1:35:23Tom Segura?

  Totally, yeah.

• 1:35:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 1:35:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, the stories, I, I love watching story. I mean, that's why I think I got into it, is like.

• 1:35:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:35:29Tom Segura?

  I love.

• 1:35:30Speaker 02

  Who'd you like? Who'd you?

• 1:35:31Tom Segura?

  I mean, look, the first guy that I ever saw do stand up where I was like, what is this, was Cosby.

• 1:35:36Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:35:36Tom Segura?

  And it was that special Bill Cosby himself.

• 1:35:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:35:39Tom Segura?

  Which is like him on a stool, and it is just long, like, there's like a 17 minute story about going to dentist.

• 1:35:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:35:45Tom Segura?

  You know, and you're like, this is great. And you don't realize that you're watching a super polished comedian.

• 1:35:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:35:51Tom Segura?

  You just think that like, which is what you want.

• 1:35:53Speaker 02

  That's the calming effect of the story.

• 1:35:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:56Speaker 02

  We're all sitting by the campfire, we're relaxing.

• 1:35:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:35:59Tom Segura?

  And you're like, this guy's just so funny.

• 1:36:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:36:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:01Speaker 02

  I'm trying to think of other, other stories that I just like really lock in and remember. There's that bird one with the helicopter.

• 1:36:08Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:36:09Speaker 02

  I remember dying at that, and I remember like specific punchlines.

• 1:36:12Tom Segura?

  I know, you just kind of, but you, you like refer to it as like, yeah.

• 1:36:16Speaker 02

  Isn't that weird?

• 1:36:17Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:36:18Speaker 02

  It just gets baked in.

• 1:36:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:19Speaker 02

  In a different way. And I thought about this when I was doing this, this tour, because I knew that we were gonna do these, these, uh, these bigger venues. I was concerned about doing the arenas with just jokes, because I was like, an hour of just jokes.

• 1:36:35Speaker 02

  I don't know if that's gonna hold their attention. I was like, what can, what is gonna hold their attention? And when they're on the train, the moving train of a story, now there's an investment in what's happening in the end of this.

• 1:36:49Tom Segura?

  Aren't you kind of mesmerized sometimes that you're, you're like, there's fucking 15,000 people? And you're, you're telling this part and you can hear like, nothing in there. And then you get to your-

• 1:37:00Speaker 02

  That's how you know you got, that's how you know they're really locked in.

• 1:37:02Tom Segura?

  They're really locked in. And then you get to your punchline, you hear the huge, you're like, wow, yeah.

• 1:37:05Speaker 02

  Like, I think you could do, if you're, if you're doing one, you know, the, I don't want to seem like I'm knocking one-liners. Maybe the next thing I'll do is fucking one-liners. But like, I wonder if there's like an amount of time where you're like, okay, I can, I can watch 30 of this and this is awesome and it's amazing.

• 1:37:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:21Speaker 02

  I don't know if I could do an hour and a half. I don't know. Maybe you can. Maybe somebody's like really good, you lock it in. But I think the guys who are telling these longer form stories, I think, yeah, I think, I think you can just hold that attention in a more enjoyable way.

• 1:37:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:38Speaker 02

  For a longer period of time. Especially when you get to those big venues.

• 1:37:41Tom Segura?

  And you kind of, we, like, the thing that's like, we try to do is like, you know, when you tell your stories, you have them locked in. And then you, if you end one, you can then go, set up punch, set up punch, joke, joke, joke, and then before you're next. So it's not just also one note of just stories.

• 1:37:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:37:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what I've noticed over the years too, because I hang out with dudes a lot, is that you guys love to just sit around and tell stories. That is how men communicate primarily, and then women are more-

• 1:38:08Speaker 02

  Stories we've already told each other.

• 1:38:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god, you guys jerk off with storytelling.

• 1:38:12Speaker 02

  I, I love being with my friends.

• 1:38:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:38:16Speaker 02

  And sitting down and telling, remember when Jamil did? And just all of us die laughing and the story just gets mutated and it's not even close to what it was 20 years ago when it happened.

• 1:38:27Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah, it starts to evolve. Also, the best thing is like, we're hanging out and like, you know, You're here and Kirk's here. I'm like Kirk, tell him that story.

• 1:38:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Story. It's a story buddy.

• 1:38:39Tom Segura?

  And then I want to watch you laugh. And then I like, you forgot the, like, I know the story better.

• 1:38:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  But women all communicate emotionally. Like, what did you do? How are your kids? How's the husband? What's happening with you personally?

• 1:38:53Tom Segura?

  I told somebody that you made me laugh so hard with, she always like, when I get back, she'll be like, uh, you know, how's, how's Andrew? I'm like, good. And she'll be like, like, how's his wife? I'm like, oh, I don't know. She's like, you didn't ask him? And I'm like, well, I mean, it just didn't, maybe we were doing other things.

• 1:39:08Speaker 02

  Come up. Yeah.

• 1:39:09Tom Segura?

  And she's like, you didn't say like?

• 1:39:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  What were we talking about?

• 1:39:12Tom Segura?

  I'm like, I mean, I think she's good.

• 1:39:15Speaker 02

  He got a new putter.

• 1:39:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, what? Cause I know everything about my friends' lives and the baby.

• 1:39:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, I wonder why that's not as in?

• 1:39:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys don't give a shit about each other.

• 1:39:25Speaker 02

  Here's something I'm curious, here are thoughts on. I was talking to these girls that work for me and like, the, just like the dating scene in New York and uh, cause I've heard these like topics come up a lot in, in podcasts, but even just conversation like from women like red flags and icks.

• 1:39:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, the ick factor, yeah.

• 1:39:42Speaker 02

  And I've never subscribed to this as like a real thing.

• 1:39:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:45Speaker 02

  But what they, they said something kind of interesting. They were like, a, uh, the, the pressure for a woman to be with somebody. So like the pain of being without anybody is worse than the pain of being with someone they don't like.

• 1:40:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:40:04Speaker 02

  So a lot of these girls are dating guys that they don't like because that's better.

• 1:40:08Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:40:09Speaker 02

  Than being alone. Okay. And there's like societal shit, you know, your parents going, hey, you gotta get married. Like, you know, you gotta be with somebody. Don't be alone. So they're dating these guys that they actually don't like. And when you don't like someone and you're with them, everything about them. Is the ick, right? Everything about them is the red flag. Like, I'm sure you guys love each other. So like, the shit that he does is absolutely disgusting. It rolls right off your back because you actually love it. And that, to me, like, any, like, good relationship I've had, that's kind of what I've experienced. It's like the horrible things, like, ah, whatever, it's him, I don't care. And then you see this all over the internet. These girls are like, I don't like a guy when he's in the rain, he brings up his shoulders. It's like, no, you just don't like that guy.

• 1:40:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I hate him.

• 1:40:51Tom Segura?

  That's exactly right.

• 1:40:52Speaker 02

  And, but you feel so much social pressure to be with somebody because it's stigmatized to be alone, that now you're with these guys you don't even like, and then you're making up these justifications for why you don't like them. No, no, you don't like them.

• 1:41:05Tom Segura?

  You don't.

• 1:41:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't like him. But there are objective male icks, for me personally.

• 1:41:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:41:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, in Austin, it's very common for men to have buns.

• 1:41:15Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:41:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Go fuck your mother if you're wearing a bun.

• 1:41:18Speaker 02

  But yeah, because he's the opposite of a bun, right?

• 1:41:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, basically.

• 1:41:21Speaker 02

  You just love him.

• 1:41:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I do love him.

• 1:41:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, you have a type. It's Tom. But I imagine if he had beautiful, long, luscious hair and it was in a bun.

• 1:41:30Tom Segura?

  I choose not to. I can if I want to.

• 1:41:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course. Yeah. We could take a Turkish hairline.

• 1:41:34Tom Segura?

  Sure. They've offered, they've reached out.

• 1:41:36Speaker 02

  Have they really?

• 1:41:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:41:38Speaker 02

  I love that. And you said no?

• 1:41:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I was like, you know, the thing is, I've been bald, like, the shaved head for a while.

• 1:41:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:41:44Tom Segura?

  I don't have a weird shaved head, so it's like, I don't, I'm not like, oh, fuck.

• 1:41:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, so it's not that bad. And you can grow a beard. If you can't do the beard, I think that you kind of got to go plugs.

• 1:41:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you kind of have to.

• 1:41:56Speaker 02

  You got it. Because it looks weird.

• 1:41:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do the plugs look good enough now?

• 1:42:01Tom Segura?

  These days, they're pretty fucking impressive.

• 1:42:02Speaker 02

  But it's also like, it's, it's not like, do they look good? It's, does it look better than you bald?

• 1:42:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 1:42:09Speaker 02

  And I think that's the thing that we never compare.

• 1:42:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good distinction.

• 1:42:11Speaker 02

  You know, like, when you see someone with fucked up plastic surgery?

• 1:42:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bring it up.

• 1:42:14Speaker 02

  It's like, yeah, they might look weird.

• 1:42:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see.

• 1:42:18Tom Segura?

  But do they look?

• 1:42:19Speaker 02

  Better than they were with nothing?

• 1:42:21Tom Segura?

  I also feel like, my theory on anything cosmetic.

• 1:42:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:42:26Tom Segura?

  If it bothers you enough, it's not about what you say, it's what you do. In other words, if my teeth were fucked up, I promise you, you would see veneers. Because it would bother me to have, I, I know that about myself. If this bothered me enough.

• 1:42:44Speaker 02

  You would do it.

• 1:42:45Tom Segura?

  I could, I could change it.

• 1:42:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:42:46Tom Segura?

  So it does, it actually doesn't bother me enough.

• 1:42:48Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 1:42:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, here's what I'm noticing about these pictures Josh brought up.

• 1:42:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:42:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not the baldness that's the problem, it's the thinning-ness. So you must commit to either having a head full of fake hair or balding, but it's the in-between.

• 1:43:02Tom Segura?

  See, when I got to that level, the thin, that's when I, I didn't go like, I'll just wait. It was, once it was thin, I was like, it looks weird.

• 1:43:08Speaker 02

  Then you took it all off.

• 1:43:09Tom Segura?

  I just took it off.

• 1:43:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, I see that.

• 1:43:10Tom Segura?

  It still grows like, if I grow, I grow fully around the back and up to here. It's, this goes out, I'm like, I'm not doing that. I'm not rocking the fucking empty.

• 1:43:21Tom Segura?

  Foreground, no.

• 1:43:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, cause that's what looks bad is the thinning.

• 1:43:25Speaker 02

  Essentially, you need to basically fill that in and then you need to get on the, uh, the hair pills. Like, I've been taking hair pills since I'm like 20 or something.

• 1:43:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 1:43:32Speaker 02

  It looks great.

• 1:43:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Looks great.

• 1:43:33Speaker 02

  Hair pills. I noticed it starting to go when I was like 20 something and I was like, I think I'm too young to like, to, for this to happen. And then I've just stayed on it since.

• 1:43:41Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:43:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:43:42Tom Segura?

  Like the Propecia stuff?

• 1:43:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, so it was, uh, Finasteride is the one.

• 1:43:46Tom Segura?

  That's, and that's.

• 1:43:46Speaker 02

  It's called.

• 1:43:47Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:43:47Speaker 02

  And I think what it did is just kept it there, maybe even grew a little back. Like, I had like, I think that I have like pictures of like having like bald spot.

• 1:43:54Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:43:54Speaker 02

  Not bald spot, but like.

• 1:43:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 1:43:56Speaker 02

  A little bit of thinning. But you're hyper aware too, like when you're a dude and you first think you're losing it, like. You know the mo, there's a beautiful clip, cause you, I tell you this because you're so like, uh, into online stuff and I can't believe we haven't even talked about Temptation Island Spain.

• 1:44:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:44:11Speaker 02

  But I, cause I know you speak Spanish and you've been, have you been watching?

• 1:44:14Tom Segura?

  I have no idea about this.

• 1:44:15Speaker 02

  I, I, I can't believe that I'm gonna break this to you.

• 1:44:18Tom Segura?

  We got something to watch tonight.

• 1:44:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:44:18Speaker 02

  I cannot believe I'm gonna break this to you.

• 1:44:20Tom Segura?

  Temptation Island Spain.

• 1:44:21Speaker 02

  You don't know about Montoya?

• 1:44:23Tom Segura?

  No, nothing, nothing.

• 1:44:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 1:44:27Speaker 02

  This is the most viral thing in the world right now.

• 1:44:30Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:44:30Speaker 02

  Hold on one second, hold on one second.

• 1:44:31Tom Segura?

  I know, my husband's not gay.

• 1:44:32Speaker 02

  We're gonna get it, we're gonna get it.

• 1:44:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  SSA?

• 1:44:35Speaker 02

  Okay, so the, uh, what was it, oh, there was a, there's a beautiful moment where a guy, he's this like Argentine guy, he's with, uh, he's, he's in a car with his like girlfriend. And, uh, she's filming it and like, she's letting him know, she's letting him see his hair and it looks like for the first time, like he's seen it, but he kinda like moves it. And she takes like a picture of the top of it and he's never seen the top. And then he looks at it and he's just like.

• 1:44:57Tom Segura?

  This is a couple in a car?

• 1:44:59Speaker 02

  They're in a car, yeah.

• 1:44:59Tom Segura?

  This is like a, uh, uh. Like social media clip.

• 1:45:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's just.

• 1:45:03Tom Segura?

  I've seen this.

• 1:45:04Speaker 02

  Okay, I knew it.

• 1:45:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  What the fuck?

• 1:45:06Speaker 02

  But the girl is so beautiful.

• 1:45:07Tom Segura?

  She's like, I'm more.

• 1:45:08Speaker 02

  It's pure love. Like, she's dying laughing. He's looking himself and he's like, fuck, I'm screwed. Like in Spanish, he's like, holy shit, I'm bald. I had no clue. And she does not give a fuck. Like, she just loves this guy. It's a beautiful, beautiful moment.

• 1:45:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and she's like, no. He's like, yeah, it's still good. And she's like, no, honey. No, it's all, it's good. And he's like, what the fuck?

• 1:45:30Tom Segura?

  Yes, that's a great clip.

• 1:45:32Speaker 02

  Okay, so there's this show called Temptation Island, Spain, okay? Temptation Island is this franchise. I guess there are people who are couples. They go to some fucking resort or whatever like that. They split up the couple and then they basically have other people come in and try to fuck their girlfriends and boyfriends.

• 1:45:48Tom Segura?

  Cool.

• 1:45:49Speaker 02

  Yes. And then you have to see if you can resist the temptation.

• 1:45:52Tom Segura?

  Got it.

• 1:45:53Speaker 02

  And this was, I think, the first time in the history of the show where everybody cheated.

• 1:46:01Speaker 02

  But the crazy thing is.

• 1:46:03Tom Segura?

  We have Spanish.

• 1:46:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay, so this is Montoya. This guy, viral sensation, Montoya, okay? Uh, I think it's Jose Carlos Montoya or something like that. Like, he's with this girl Anita. And the, the first moment that goes viral is when he first sees, because they have these video cameras and they play for them what is happening when they cheat. So you can watch what happens.

• 1:46:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'd puke all over myself.

• 1:46:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, so do you have any clips that you can, uh, can play? Is there like some greatest hits?

• 1:46:32Tom Segura?

  Let's see this.

• 1:46:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  How hot? Would you love that? Would you be jing your D watching me make out with another dude?

• 1:46:37Tom Segura?

  With another?

• 1:46:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'd love it.

• 1:46:38Tom Segura?

  Spaniard?

• 1:46:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 1:46:39Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 1:46:40Speaker 02

  Uh, it's like, I, I wish that I should have just brought some shit here to you. It's like, getting it from the reaction videos is tough, is tough.

• 1:46:46Tom Segura?

  It's tough, yeah.

• 1:46:47Speaker 02

  But just find, maybe you can find like on TikToks and stuff like that.

• 1:46:50Tom Segura?

  Trailer or something? So he had a meltdown?

• 1:46:52Speaker 02

  He watches his girl getting piped out and like literal sex. And then he's running down the beach to go stop it. And then the host is going, Montoya, no. But he's literally running down the beach full speed. The cameraman's following him to go stop the guy who's banging his girl. He knows that the girl's getting banged out because he's watching it live. They're in the bed together.

• 1:47:11Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:47:11Speaker 02

  She goes on top of him.

• 1:47:13Tom Segura?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 1:47:14Speaker 02

  And you see the thrusting, pumping motion.

• 1:47:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  We gotta get into this.

• 1:47:17Speaker 02

  They're adding the sound effects like that.

• 1:47:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. We gotta watch this show.

• 1:47:22Speaker 02

  Oh, no, it's, I mean.

• 1:47:23Tom Segura?

  This is it right here?

• 1:47:24Speaker 02

  This is maybe one of the moments. He's had a, yeah, here we go. Do we have audio?

• 1:47:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Por favor. He's running on the beach.

• 1:47:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cabrona.

• 1:47:43Tom Segura?

  Oh, then it stops.

• 1:47:44Speaker 02

  So, and then just every single clip that comes from this thing is just... And then you gotta meet the people that are banging your girl.

• 1:47:51Tom Segura?

  Oh my god, dude.

• 1:47:52Speaker 02

  So they bring them like face to face, they start talking shit to each other. I mean, the show is like a train wreck.

• 1:47:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's see it, let's see it.

• 1:47:59Tom Segura?

  Oh no, dude.

• 1:48:00Speaker 02

  Alright, let's watch this. So he's watching.

• 1:48:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've broken me, he says.

• 1:48:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love you, aw. So, one day this week, I was just on X minding my own business and...

• 1:48:19Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's where those full clips are, on X, yeah, okay.

• 1:48:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  We all understood that.

• 1:48:30Tom Segura?

  Dude.

• 1:48:32Speaker 02

  Is this guy with the British accent the video or that guy?

• 1:48:35Tom Segura?

  It's, no, it's the video guy narrating it.

• 1:48:38Speaker 02

  Oh, here it is.

• 1:48:53Tom Segura?

  Dude, this show is fucked, though.

• 1:48:56Speaker 02

  This is just, oh, look at it, look at it.

• 1:48:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can hear the devastation in his head.

• 1:49:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, I'm gonna cry. I don't know if I can watch this.

• 1:49:09Speaker 02

  Look at it.

• 1:49:09Tom Segura?

  Oh no.

• 1:49:10Speaker 02

  And it's only sensitive for YouTube. They're, I can't believe we don't have a clip, but... He's clapping it on TV, like, no.

• 1:49:24Tom Segura?

  That's his girl?

• 1:49:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:49:35Tom Segura?

  Wow, she's pretty pissed.

• 1:49:36Speaker 02

  Oh dude, she just mocks him when they go meet each other later. She like walks up.

• 1:49:41Tom Segura?

  Why is she so mad at him?

• 1:49:43Speaker 02

  Uh, cause apparently like a girl was flirting with him and then she got to watch that. So she's like, I'll just fuck this guy.

• 1:49:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 1:49:49Speaker 02

  And then the guy comes back and they start talking shit and he goes, dude, I took your girl in fucking three days. The guy who bangs her out, right? That guy right there, the guy who takes her, her name is Anita. He's like, he's risen her up for like days, right? He goes, uh, let's go to your room or something like that. And then she goes, yeah, you can sleep on the floor, whatever. And he goes, all right, yeah, sure. I'll sleep on the floor. And then he, something happens in the room and then he goes, okay, have a good night. And she's like, yeah, you're leaving? He's like, yeah, you have a good night. And he walks out the room and it's on, there's cameras everywhere. He walks out the room. This shit is swag. Walks out the room, right? Stands in front of the door and he goes.

• 1:50:30Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:50:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:50:34Speaker 02

  She opens the door, brings him into the room. It's unbelievable.

• 1:50:39Speaker 02

  It's one of the most amazing things you ever seen in your life.

• 1:50:43Speaker 02

  Oh my god. Because if she doesn't open that door.

• 1:50:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:46Speaker 02

  Man, is that rough.

• 1:50:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:50:49Speaker 02

  Like the whole, like you just count down, you're like, alright, I'm out of here. Yeah, yeah, I guess I'll go, guess I'll go back to my room now. Yeah.

• 1:50:56Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 1:50:57Speaker 02

  And this is just one couple. There's 10 different couples that all go through the exact same thing.

• 1:51:00Tom Segura?

  So this is a global sensation right now?

• 1:51:02Speaker 02

  It is the only thing on TikTok.

• 1:51:03Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:51:04Speaker 02

  How are you not telling me about this?

• 1:51:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I'm on the dark side of TikTok. Uh, you're, I don't see regular people things.

• 1:51:09Speaker 02

  Aaron the plumber, you know about Aaron the plumber?

• 1:51:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:51:11Speaker 02

  Oh, did you watch the Zeus network at all?

• 1:51:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:51:14Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 1:51:15Tom Segura?

  You ever watch Tubi movies?

• 1:51:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm in one.

• 1:51:17Tom Segura?

  Are you?

• 1:51:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, that movie I did with Peter Dinklage ended up on, uh,

• 1:51:20Tom Segura?

  On Tubi?

• 1:51:21Speaker 02

  Oh, I love Peter Dinklage.

• 1:51:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I remember.

• 1:51:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was a Hitler Youth haircut.

• 1:51:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's great.

• 1:51:26Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:51:28Speaker 02

  But yeah, the, uh, yeah, Aaron the Plumber, shout out Aaron the Plumber. This guy's fucking hysterical. So there's like this dating show on the Zeus Network is this, I think you gotta pay for it, but it is just like, it's as ratchet as it can be. But this guy is a hilar- he's hilarious. And he, his whole thing was he's gonna go on this thing and basically I think the producers got in his ear and they're like, "Listen, if you fight a lot, you're gonna get a lot of screen time." He's like, "All right, it's on." Every scene he's fighting. He's talking to this trans girl. He doesn't know that she's trans and he's trying to like flirt with her. And then he finds out that she's trans afterwards.

• 1:52:02Tom Segura?

  I saw a clip of this guy. I saw a clip of this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:52:06Speaker 02

  Can you go to the fight and then his reaction to the fight?

• 1:52:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:10Speaker 02

  So he fights with the trans girl.

• 1:52:12Tom Segura?

  Right there.

• 1:52:17Speaker 07

  Riddler, bro.

• 1:52:25Speaker 02

  Oh shit!

• 1:52:30Speaker 02

  Fuck. Okay, it's like, cause the reaction video sometimes cut it up, but basically like-

• 1:52:35Tom Segura?

  So he fucking wailed him?

• 1:52:36Speaker 02

  So he was flirting with her on the bus. And like, he's like, "Oh, give me a kiss" or something like that. Cause he thinks it's like a girl, he's trying to like make some, you know, he's on a dating show. So he's like, "Let's have some fun." He finds out later.

• 1:52:49Speaker 02

  And bring him into this room where it's him and another dude.

• 1:52:53Speaker 02

  And then the girl and the girl. And now he's been notified that she's trans, right? So now he's a different energy. It's his stuff. And he's trying to be polite, but he's, so, so he's using like certain words. He's like, he's like, "Yes, sir. Hello, sir. How are you? How you doing? Whatever." And then she's kinda like antagonizing him a little bit. And, uh, bro, they start swinging and then he has this reaction that is, he goes, he goes, and her man voice comes out.

• 1:53:20Tom Segura?

  That's what it says here. It says, "The voice change is crazy."

• 1:53:25Speaker 02

  Here it is.

• 1:53:26Tom Segura?

  There's no volume.

• 1:53:28Speaker 06

  What's up, sir? Who you talking to?

• 1:53:30Speaker 07

  Hey, queen. You gonna be yourself today?

• 1:53:33Speaker 06

  What? What you mean?

• 1:53:35Speaker 07

  Like, be yourself.

• 1:53:37Speaker 06

  You talking to me, man, for real.

• 1:53:39Speaker 07

  What's the hostility?

• 1:53:40Speaker 06

  You a man, right?

• 1:53:42Speaker 07

  A trans. Aaron, you keep calling me a man. You had to bring the man out. Now the man is... Did you care about that when you were trying to kiss me?

• 1:53:50Speaker 06

  Trying to kiss you?

• 1:53:53Tom Segura?

  He goes right to a 10.

• 1:54:03Speaker 02

  Keep going, keep going.

• 1:54:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 1:54:25Speaker 02

  Listen to this.

• 1:54:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's too funny.

• 1:54:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's hilarious.

• 1:54:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Holy shit.

• 1:54:40Speaker 02

  Okay, so you need to get on, you need to get on.

• 1:54:42Tom Segura?

  We got some things to watch.

• 1:54:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Got Zeus.

• 1:54:44Speaker 02

  Zeus, and then the Temptation Island, you gotta do it.

• 1:54:46Tom Segura?

  And, don't forget, um, when you're thinking of things to watch, Andrew Schulz, Life is streaming now on Netflix.

• 1:54:55Speaker 02

  Real quick, before we go, there's one thing I have to bring up to you.

• 1:54:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:58Speaker 02

  The, uh, uh, this is when I knew you were really locked in on the internet stuff. I followed this guy who's like a tailor that sexually harasses.

• 1:55:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh yeah, come on.

• 1:55:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, who like, and I, and I don't know why I follow him. I'm like, this, I don't know if this is a shtick or it's real. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? But hey, I have a little Asian boy with the tightest ass, whatever. I'm like, this is hilarious. And I follow him. And then I scroll and all of a sudden you're in the fucking video. I could, I must've sent that to like 20 people. I couldn't believe, I might, maybe I even texted you. I couldn't believe it.

• 1:55:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:32Speaker 02

  How does that even?

• 1:55:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, uh, Rashan, that's that Sam's tailor in Hong Kong.

• 1:55:36Speaker 02

  Hong Kong, yes.

• 1:55:36Tom Segura?

  So we had, we had, um, found him like, cause we play clips a lot. And we're like, the same thing. We were like, this guy's hilarious. Cause these are crazy clips. He's insane. And then. I, my tour started last year in Asia.

• 1:55:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:55:51Tom Segura?

  He hits me, he's like, you're not coming to Hong Kong. I go, yeah, he goes, bro.

• 1:55:54Speaker 02

  So he reached out to you because you'd, you'd played.

• 1:55:56Tom Segura?

  Because we'd played his clips and everything. We'd, we'd actually done a bit, um, like virtually, you know, I mean, like over Zoom with him one time. We talked about something and he'd, I'd sent measurements, he made us, they make, I mean, the last six US presidents got suits from them.

• 1:56:10Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 1:56:11Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. And they have, that's the crazy, his dad, the dynamic.

• 1:56:16Speaker 02

  Joe Biden is making his suit.

• 1:56:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:56:20Tom Segura?

  His dad is like a very proper.

• 1:56:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:56:24Tom Segura?

  Polite guy.

• 1:56:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:56:25Tom Segura?

  And he, he kind of reminds me of like, I like to upset my mom by doing shit. So he's sitting there doing shit and he's like, you know, he's like, oh, you got tight ass. And his dad's, his dad's like, huh, like what? And then, you know, he's like, I'll be like, oh, your wife's beautiful. He's like, she doesn't let me hit it anymore. And then his dad's like, hey, huh, like stop talking like that, you know, like he's being like, he's almost like provoking his father a lot. Which is very funny. So anyway, I tell him I'm, I'm coming to Hong Kong. He's like, you have to stop then. Our hotel was like two blocks from his place.

• 1:56:57Speaker 02

  I love it.

• 1:56:58Tom Segura?

  And we come in, he gave me the full, he calls it the full treatment, like the service, the full service. And yeah, he just makes, this is like his genuine personality. He's a wild man, but the flip side is like, some of these guys online, we've met like a lot of crazy guys. And they do not have a skill set, like there's nothing of value.

• 1:57:17Speaker 02

  He's an elite tailor.

• 1:57:18Tom Segura?

  This is an elite, like movie stars, um, all the best soccer players in the world.

• 1:57:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:57:24Tom Segura?

  Like they've all gotten suits from these, from these guys. And then he's also this lunatic online. So he's super entertaining, but top quality suits.

• 1:57:33Speaker 02

  Okay, so it's a real thing.

• 1:57:35Tom Segura?

  It's a real thing.

• 1:57:36Speaker 02

  Got it. And then, wow, I'm so, I'm so surprised that like his family isn't worried about the risk.

• 1:57:41Tom Segura?

  I think his dad doesn't get what's going on online.

• 1:57:44Speaker 02

  Maybe he doesn't realize how big it is.

• 1:57:45Tom Segura?

  He doesn't realize what's going on. And he's probably like, dad, let me handle the social media. Like you don't know this shit, dad's fucking 75.

• 1:57:51Speaker 02

  Got it, yeah.

• 1:57:52Tom Segura?

  And then it's just, yeah, he's sitting there just being. You know, himself.

• 1:57:58Speaker 02

  Young, scoring.

• 1:57:59Tom Segura?

  Just. Yeah, Pavarotti's there. Like, I mean, yeah, there's, it's literally an endless list. Like, he had this room in the back. There's George Bush right there. In the back, the dad was like, come see this. And then he stopped everyone with, he's like, not you guys, him. And they were like, oh, okay. And he took me in the back. And in this frame, he had the, the, the, the cloth selections of the US presidents.

• 1:58:26Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:58:26Tom Segura?

  And they're framed in the back. And he's like, yeah, I don't let, he doesn't let people see it.

• 1:58:30Speaker 02

  So it's a specific cloth that he only gives them?

• 1:58:32Tom Segura?

  To that, so like, this is Clinton's, this was Obama, this was Bush, and like, I just have it here and no one, and we don't give it to anybody else once they get, yeah.

• 1:58:40Speaker 02

  So once that cloth is there, that material.

• 1:58:43Tom Segura?

  For that US president.

• 1:58:43Speaker 02

  They don't make for anybody else.

• 1:58:45Tom Segura?

  That's his, yeah.

• 1:58:45Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 1:58:47Tom Segura?

  Very cool. And like, I would look, like, there's, I think, like, George Senior in the.

• 1:58:52Speaker 02

  In the shop, yeah?

• 1:58:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:54Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:58:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, pretty wild.

• 1:58:56Speaker 02

  I mean, it's so funny that the kid is just like, uh.

• 1:58:58Tom Segura?

  He's so funny.

• 1:58:59Speaker 02

  This is, this is a, um, then, then we're out of here. Last thing I'll say, but very fun talking to you guys. Is, uh, I, I saw this thing, like, the oldest hotel in the world was this hotel started in like, 703, uh, in like, Japan. And it stayed in the same family for 52 generations.

• 1:59:16Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:59:17Speaker 02

  Which, at the beginning, you're like, wow, that's incredibly, like, impressive. Like, look at how, like, resilient that family dynamic is, that you would just bestow this business, generation over generation, and people continue to run it. Like, it's, the Vanderbilts can barely keep their money three generations. Like, how about 52? But, one of the concerns I had about it with it is like, within those 52 generations, there are a few guys that really want to be a stand-up comedian, or they want to be a fucking samurai, or they want to do whatever, and they couldn't because of that cultural rigidity.

• 1:59:51Speaker 02

  The nice thing is, a lot of the people didn't have those dreams, but they had a lot of purpose that they had this thing that they could build. This is another thing, like, you know, women being moms. It's kind of similar where it's like, there used to be some nobility in like, being a cobbler, and your father was a cobbler, and you're a cobbler. And like, if you didn't have this dream to go out and do something else, you really had this thing that you could be proud of. And I think we've kind of moved away from that with like, dreamer culture a little bit. But it's cool to see this guy who clearly wants to be funny and famous and antagonize and joke around, maintaining the legacy of his father. At the same time. Also having some fun. Yeah. And yeah, this is, uh, maybe there's like, an interesting balance there.

• 2:00:31Tom Segura?

  There is, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, there's, you have every reason to believe that like, he has kids, that they're gonna-

• 2:00:38Speaker 02

  Carry on.

• 2:00:39Tom Segura?

  Yes, yeah. There's a lot of, a lot of pride in that, in that culture.

• 2:00:44Tom Segura?

  Well, I always feel like, dude, release day is a lot of fun. Like, congratulations.

• 2:00:47Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 2:00:47Tom Segura?

  It feels fun, right? It's exciting that it's out. It's always like this-

• 2:00:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:00:50Tom Segura?

  It's conflicting, some of the, sometimes you're like, you're a little nervous about it, you have anxiety. But it's also like, a celebration, so. Are you gonna, are you staying in town tonight, or are you going out?

• 2:00:58Speaker 02

  I'm gonna stay in town one more day, then I get back, uh-

• 2:01:01Tom Segura?

  You can take some time off?

• 2:01:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, like, I, I think I'll do press, I think I'll do press maybe for a couple more weeks.

• 2:01:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:07Speaker 02

  Cause I, yeah. Cause I think you gotta, you really gotta get after, I think you can't just like, sit on the algorithm and hope. You gotta make sure people know about it. But, uh, but then I take time off, like, I, I need to, I wouldn't be able to think of this if I didn't take time off.

• 2:01:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:21Speaker 02

  I find if I just tour without taking time off, I, I end up doing like, a different version of the same jokes I was doing.

• 2:01:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:29Speaker 02

  Cause I haven't let enough life change happen.

• 2:01:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:32Speaker 02

  So I'm hoping that I take some time off, and then a few months, I start from scratch.

• 2:01:36Tom Segura?

  That's the way it's-

• 2:01:36Speaker 02

  And it's humbling as fuck.

• 2:01:38Tom Segura?

  It sure is.

• 2:01:38Speaker 02

  Just to go up there and like, people are the most excited, cause you just came from your special.

• 2:01:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:43Speaker 02

  So they're like, dude, this guy's hilarious, they bring all their friends, like, you know how fucking funny this guy is? And then you go up there and you're like, I'm not that man anymore.

• 2:01:51Tom Segura?

  No, I know. That, um, I already have tour ending anxiety coming up, where I know- Cause I know this tour's gonna end, and I have to start at square one again, and you're like-

• 2:02:01Speaker 02

  Will you take time off?

• 2:02:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:02:03Speaker 02

  You, you've been touring for a long time with this tour.

• 2:02:06Tom Segura?

  This one was 23. Or excuse me, started in 24. So, this is

• 2:02:12Speaker 02

  I thought, wait, Come Together.

• 2:02:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah. It's not I'm Coming Everywhere, it's just a similar title.

• 2:02:17Speaker 02

  Got it, okay, that's what I blended.

• 2:02:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:02:19Speaker 02

  But yeah, aren't you gonna take a few months to just be like, okay, what's?

• 2:02:23Tom Segura?

  Be done.

• 2:02:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:02:24Tom Segura?

  End of this year is the end of this tour.

• 2:02:26Speaker 02

  Wow. Any plans for you guys?

• 2:02:29Tom Segura?

  Party?

• 2:02:30Speaker 02

  Vacation?

• 2:02:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get ripped.

• 2:02:31Tom Segura?

  Get ripped.

• 2:02:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get faded.

• 2:02:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, definitely take a trip.

• 2:02:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:02:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Polyamory.

• 2:02:37Tom Segura?

  Fucking go to Spain, meet those people.

• 2:02:38Speaker 02

  You gotta go onto Temptation Island.

• 2:02:42Speaker 02

  Tommy, Tomaso, no!

• 2:02:46Speaker 02

  You're not running to the beach, you're just jerking off to the video.

• 2:02:50Tom Segura?

  Hit it! Hit it! Yeah. Yeah, she likes to ride you, that's right.

• 2:02:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what we're about.

• 2:02:57Tom Segura?

  I could not drop you off at the Latin House.

• 2:03:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  No way.

• 2:03:00Tom Segura?

  That would be a problem.

• 2:03:01Speaker 02

  You like the Latinos.

• 2:03:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Love 'em.

• 2:03:02Tom Segura?

  Okay. On that note. Uh, thanks Andrew.

• 2:03:06Speaker 02

  I appreciate you guys having me, man. Congrats on everything, guys.

• 2:03:08Tom Segura?

  Thank you so much. We'll see you guys next week.

• 2:03:10Speaker 02

  Thanks.

• 2:03:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hi, I'm Roxanne Palma, and I wanna know who out there is curious about eco sex?

• 2:03:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 2:03:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 2:03:31Speaker 01

  One, two, three, four.

• 2:03:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  What the fuck is eco sex?

• 2:03:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  The wind in your hair, tree bark. That's exciting in itself, to really let your fingertips run across the tree bark and feel its eroticness.

• 2:03:49Speaker 01

  Now you get the penis out.

• 2:03:57Speaker 01

  Now you get the penis out.

• 2:04:04Speaker 01

  Girl, get your life.

• 2:04:20Speaker 01

  Girl, get your life.

• 2:04:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  What the fuck is eco sex?

• 2:04:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Me and my girlfriend Summer.

• 2:04:43Speaker 07

  What the fuck is eco sex?

• 2:04:59Speaker 01

  What?

• 2:05:01Speaker 07

  What the fuck?

• 2:05:09Speaker 01

  That is so disgusting.

• 2:05:13Speaker 01

  I am embarrassed. Why are you embarrassed? Because this is disgusting. Would you marry your grandson?

• 2:05:21Speaker 01

  I am embarrassed. Why are you embarrassed? Because this is disgusting.

• 2:05:31Speaker 07

  What the fuck is eco sex?

• 2:05:39Speaker 07

  Me and my girlfriend Summer.

• 2:05:47Speaker 07

  What the fuck is eco sex?

• 2:05:55Speaker 01

  Would you marry your grandson? Oh my god.