124: Why Healthy Love Can Feel Boring: Exploring Secure Relationships

Ever found yourself attracted to chaos in relationships while feeling "meh" about someone who's actually good for you? In this Valentine's Day special, Sabrina dives deep into why we often mistake drama for passion and peace for boredom. She shares personal stories, including her own journey from choosing unavailable partners to embracing healthy love, and explains the neuroscience behind why stable relationships can feel uncomfortably "boring" at first. Key Topics: Why our brains are wired to crave relationship chaos The difference between settling and choosing healthy love How to stop self-sabotaging when you meet someone stable The truth about "boring" relationships vs. toxic excitement Practical tools for embracing and trusting healthy love Featured Insights: Dr. Jack Panksepp's research on why toxic love feels exciting Dr. Stan Tatkin's work on mistaking chaos for chemistry Dr. Barbara Fredrickson's theory on building deeper relationships Actionable Tools: The Alignment & Adventure Matrix for assessing relationships Three questions to ask when feeling uneasy in healthy relationships Journaling prompts for rewiring your brain for safety Whether you're single or coupled up this Valentine's Day, this episode provides the framework you need to start receiving the secure, healthy love you deserve. MERCH IS NOW AVAILABLE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Happy Valentine's Day, babes. Whether you're single, whether you're in a relationship, I don't care. I love you. Happy Valentine's Day. And guys, the reason I specifically chose today's episode is because of the day, right? And I'm creating these mini-series, whether you guys even realize it or not, it's more for me, of building, right? I want to give you guys foundations and building blocks so that you come back every week and it's not just like these random throw pasta up against the wall and see what sticks. It's like we're actually starting to give you the tools, make progress, and create new neural pathways and give you different studies and different terminologies. That's my fucking passion and that's what I'm excited about moving forward. So today's episode is, "Why Does Healthy Equal Boring?

• 0:45Sabrina Zohar?

  And How to Prepare Yourself to Start Receiving the True Healthy, Secure Love That You Deserve." I get it. We've all been there and I want to debunk everything. And like I said, we're building. Like last week, we talked about, "Do we attach or do we connect?" Now that we have some different awarenesses, we're going to start to look at, "Okay, how do I connect on a deeper level?" And really start to prep myself to receive the love I do fucking deserve. Guys, as always, if you need anything, please don't forget. Everything's in link in show notes. You can join one of the courses. If you're going through a breakup, me and Britt Frank got you. You need the nervous system, you're going to need help with the texting, you're feeling anxious, you don't know what's going on in the early stages of dating, Masha and I got you. Or you can do an eight-week course with me alone and just have some foundational tools that you guys need to understand your patterns and really get back out there, do the inner child work, whatever you need, there's something for everybody.

• 1:29Sabrina Zohar?

  So guys, as always, thank you, thank you. Don't forget, rate, review the show, share it with a friend, that's all we ask. And leave comments. Let me know what you think. But of course, please speak with love, right? Like we're a community here. Everybody is welcome, but it's not my job to make everybody feel comfortable because it's physically impossible. So do what feels what is right for you. We want you to stay, but we also don't want to force anybody. So please remember, just speak with love, that's it. If you don't like it, that's okay. You have every right not to. You can even DM me and let me know, "Hey, I think there's some area of opportunity." But we just ask for kindness, that's all. So guys, without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we?

• 2:13Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, babies. Welcome back. Ah, Valentine's Day. I get it. It could be a tough day. And again, this episode isn't about Valentine's Day. So if you're listening to this fucking six months from now and you're like, girl, it's June. It's like, that's okay. This episode is for every single day. It just so happens that it's coming out on Valentine's Day. I really wanted to talk about what does a healthy and secure relationship like, look like in practice? Because I think a lot of us seem to think, and I get that, right? I had that childhood. I had the chaos. I had the inconsistency. I had the caregivers that fuck all. I didn't know if they were ever gonna show up or not. And I understand that a healthy and secure partnership, speaking your mind and having someone respect that could feel really scary. And the first time I really practiced that was when Tech Guy and I first started dating.

• 2:57Sabrina Zohar?

  This was, it was Valentine's Day of 2023. And so it was about, you know, it was two years ago. Two years ago? Yeah, two. Good morning. It was two years ago. And he had just come back from a trip. And when he, right before he left, I was like, oh, so when you get back, it's Valentine's Day. And he was like, yep. And I was like, cool, are we gonna do anything? Like, why didn't he was like, I don't really care about that day. And I was like, well, I do. I'd really like to do something. And he knew that. And then he came back and I was at his house. I took care of the dog, blah, blah, blah. And when I came back, I was like, okay, cool. It was the day before. And the next day, and like, I think it was that morning, I was like, you know, just a reminder, Valentine's Day tomorrow. Like, just let me know what we want to do. And he was like, I don't want to do anything. And I was like, oh, I do.

• 3:39Sabrina Zohar?

  And he was like, okay, well, we'll figure that out. Sure enough, he got sick. So like, it also wasn't that. But he got yellow fever. And the next day, all I get was, happy Valentine's Day. Hope you have a great day. And I'm thinking like, maybe he'll send flowers. Maybe he'll send me chocolate. Like, this is our first relationship, like a new relationship. You know, maybe we're gonna do, nope, motherfucker didn't send shit. And I was honest with him. And I was like, hey, you know, I understand that you don't care about this day. But as your partner, and as the person that you want to be in a relationship with, I do. I care about it. This does mean something to me. And it felt really dismissive that I was open and honest with you about that. And you didn't take that into consideration. You just said, well, this is what I want to do. I don't care about it. And I was like, that avoidant, right? That avoidant side. And he was on, he was like, fuck, I'm so sorry. Like, you're right, I did. Fuck up. And he was like, I really dropped the ball here. And he was like, I promise I'll make

• 4:21Sabrina Zohar?

  this up to you. Sure enough, the next year I had six chocolate boxes. I woke up and he like came in and he was like, I got all the ones that I thought would be your favorite. And he had flowers. And I was like, thank you. And he took me out to dinner. It was like a whole really beautiful night. All of this to say, that was something I never experienced in childhood. I never had somebody that was like, hey, thanks for sharing that. You know what? You're right. I think I did really hurt your feelings and I should take ownership of that. How can I rectify that? Because that's how I am with him. It's not just like a one way street. If I do anything that hurts him, or if I don't, I'm like, absolutely, please, thank you for sharing that. I would have no idea. And so that's why, you know, and like, a lot of people probably listen to that story go, I don't want to fucking do that. They should just know. And it's like, hmm, who has the mic? How old do we feel when we say, well, they should just know. It's like, no one can

• 5:04Sabrina Zohar?

  read your mind. My partner, I didn't know that he didn't give a shit about it. Similar to, he didn't know that I cared about it. And so it's really important to remember, part of being in a healthy and secure relationship, part of getting ready to start to receive this and prep ourselves, is knowing that it's going to be completely different. It's going to be very different than anything we've ever experienced. Because your nervous system, remember, think right before it happened, I'm going, fuck this guy, what an asshole. Oh, my God, he's gonna leave me. He doesn't care about me. You know, maybe we should abort mission, maybe we should just break up with him. Then I communicate, do something that's scary. Oh, my God, my, one of my littles is, or like my protector parts is like, oh, my God, no, don't you dare say anything. He's gonna leave. Then you look like an idiot. But instead, I had to be the adult to say, hey, I really appreciate that. Thank you for trying to help me. But this isn't dad. If he leaves, let him leave. And by opening up and being honest with him and being communicative, what did I do? I one,

• 5:48Sabrina Zohar?

  showed myself, I love you, I care about you, this matters to me. Two, I created a baseline of what I now will be having in my relationship. Because if he was like, you know, I don't like these conversations, I would have been like, great, then there's the fucking door. And I was honest, I was like, this is how I communicate. This is how I handle things. We talk about it, we rectify it. I thank you for validating me, I validate you. We come up with a plan, we move on with our lives. And that is part of being in a healthy and secure relationship, and being ready. That's why healthy equals boring, because it's not activating those different parts of your brain. Remember, dopamine gets released in anticipation of. So when someone's clear and communicative, and you're able to rectify it. Where's the anticipation of, right? Oh, are they gonna leap me? No, they just told me they're not. They apologized. Huh, that feels weird, right?

• 6:31Sabrina Zohar?

  And for a lot of people, like, healthy love often feels boring because it doesn't activate the chaotic patterns many of us associate with love, right? Many people mistake peace for a lack of passion. How many times we hear that of like, they're great, they're everything I want on paper, all of these things. I don't, I'm just not feeling it. I actually, this is a funny story. The other day, I had someone reach out and he was like, I'm in therapy realizing like, fuck, I have a serious issue. And he was like, could you share with me a little bit of like, how did I show up for you? And I was like, oh, I remember. And did it surprise me now that he said he just broke up with a really avoidant woman? And it was like, super painful? And I was like, oh, no, right on time. That's exactly what I would have anticipated him to date. And I said, because when I was with you, I was like, I was super communicative. I was really healthy. And you know what he told me?

• 7:13Sabrina Zohar?

  You know, I'm just not feeling the spark that I want to feel after four dates, blah, blah. And I was like, yeah, because I was super consistent with you. I wasn't making you jump through hoops. I wasn't making you have to pretend to be somebody, or guess what I was feeling, or shut, like, shut down and all that. I was like, I was doing something that you weren't used to, and that is be super clear and communicative. And he admitted, he was like, fuck, you're right. He was like, I hear this from a lot of people. And he was like, that's definitely my pattern. He's like, I've been looking for that chaos and I've been looking for the highs. I didn't give that to him. And it sucked at the time, but like, that's also part of it. Somebody had actually asked like, what do I do if I'm the healthy and secure one? And it's like, stand in that power and that truth and know that the right person's gonna see that. That's how I saw it. That's how me and Tech Guy did, because we both start to recognize, hey, whoa, you handle things really differently. You don't communicate like most people do.

• 7:57Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's why when he, to this day, anybody that asks him like, what made you ask Sabrina out on a second date? And he was like, it was the question she asked. It was the way that she talked to me. He was like, this was different than any woman. And he was like, and that's exactly what I'd been looking for. Same with me. I had dated Troll and fucking Frog and Jack and Lantern one after another. And the difference was, it's not that I didn't meet these people. And I think that's a common misconception. We think like, oh, well, and I do all this healing work. And when I do all this, when I become healthy, I'm just not going to meet these people. I'm only going to meet the good people. And it's like, no, you'll still meet them. And what that is, it's a challenge to see how far you've come. Right? How like, when the guy right before tech, I could have held on to him and been like, no, please, let's make it work. I was like, get fucked. You're gonna give me all these bullshit and excuses and you're gonna, that's cool. I was

• 8:39Sabrina Zohar?

  like, then you're not for me. Next. Thank you. That didn't mean I didn't still cry. I left and I cried and I got bummed. And I was frustrated and I was annoyed. But that didn't mean that I still wasn't holding that truth of like, but I deserve better than this shit. And I want someone that's healthier and growth minded. Let's talk about some neuroscience. So, Dr. I think it's Jack, it could be Yoc, it's J A A K. I don't want to, it'd be rude, but Dr. Jack Panksepp, effective neuroscience research. So, the brain's seeking system is activated by novelty and uncertainty, which is why toxic love feels exciting. And in contrast, healthy love activates the care system. That's why calm feels less stimulating. Because when our part of our brain is wired to have, I want that, remember, again, cortisol spikes, dopamine

• 9:24Sabrina Zohar?

  drops. And yeah, you might be saying, Sabrina, you're a broken fucking record. We hear about that. No, it's repetition. It's understanding. Again, remember, all right, my brain is braining. A different part of my brain might be activated, but my brain is braining. It's just knowing about all of these different loops. And why familiarity feels boring. Because for those with chaotic attachment histories, hi, it's me. Healthy love doesn't match the brain's template of excitement. Remember, excitement equals love. And for me, that was it. What could I do to get my dad to pay attention to me? What could I do to get someone in the household to pay attention to me? How could I show up differently? How could I manipulate and twist myself to turn into what they needed me to be? If I grew up in a household, which I did, where it was unpredictable, and we never knew, and da, da, da, da, then of course, my brain is going to

• 10:08Sabrina Zohar?

  see that as, ooh, that's exciting. This must be love. Love means I have to work for it. I have to earn it. And how do we actually start to chip away at that? It's like, well, we have to learn, where did we learn that from? And I love Dr. Stan Tatkin. He was on the podcast. And so, he has, his research Wired for Love highlights how people mistake chaos for chemistry because their nervous system equates Predictability with passion. How many times have you heard this? And how many times have I said this? We only obsess over people that don't make us feel safe. And the reason that we do that is because that is what's familiar. That's what we crave. That's what we've known. And so if you start to find yourself like anytime I meet someone healthy, they check all my boxes. I'm just not into it. It's like, oop, start to take a pause. What do you think is going to happen in a relationship? And I ask that honestly. I hear this every day. I'm like, do you think that these feelings?

• 10:51Sabrina Zohar?

  Do you think that every single day you're going to look at your partners with like hard eyes and that emoji? I'm like, no, there's gonna be days where you can't fucking stand your partner. There are gonna be days where you're like, shut up and stop talking right now. There are gonna be days where you're like, I'm gonna punch you in the face. Then there are gonna be days where you're like, I love you. I feel so connected to you. You're my everything. Cause you're human. But that's not, that's not the chaos that we're talking about. We're talking about the like, oh my God, are they gonna choose me? Do they want me? They, one night they said this, then the next day they said this. Are they gonna text me? They said they don't want a relationship, but maybe they do. I'm too scared to say anything. It's like that chaos? Get off the merry go round. If it's making you nauseous, why do you keep going back on the ride? Right? So somebody had asked, how do I know if I'm settling or if it's healthy love? Okay, let's talk about it. Settling feels like you're ignoring your values and shrinking yourself. Settling would be,

• 11:34Sabrina Zohar?

  well, I wanted all these things, but this person's here, so be it. Whereas healthy love is like growth, it's alignment, even if it's slower and paced. So for me, I am becoming the best version of myself because I have a healthy and secure space to explore myself. When I met Ryan, it wasn't that I was bored being like, oh God, I don't even like this guy. Or every time he talks, I'm fucking, bleh. I had guys like that. I dated, again, as a heterosexual woman, just sharing my guy stories. But I had people that I dated where I was like, you're really great. You're really cool. I'm not interested in anything you're talking about, but like you really like me, so maybe I'll just stay. But I didn't respect them and it wasn't like that they, you know, I just, oh God, I remember this one guy, I call him TikTok. Oh God, uh, this was in the depths of my please choose me phase.

• 12:16Sabrina Zohar?

  And he was this like trainer and lived in LA and he was kind of lame. I don't know how else to say it. And I don't mean to be like mean, but like he was kind of a tool and like, I know that sounds like a dick thing to say, but it was true. And I'll never forget, like, we went on a date and like, I hooked up with him just because I was like, I don't really care. I just needed someone to touch me. It had been like five months since I'd been with anyone. And I was like, I'll take it. And I remember, um, like I stumbled upon his Tik Tok and it was mortifying. Some of the videos he had, I was like, oh my God, like he was calling women like derogatory terms. He was like, kind of like Do He Won where he was like smoking a Jane, like grabbing his crotch, pretending to be a rapper. And I was like, oh my God, what are we doing here? It was cringe. But that was me settling, right? I was like, this guy doesn't have anything I want. He

• 13:00Sabrina Zohar?

  doesn't have any of the qualities I like. I can't stand when he talks. I don't respect him or his work. But I was like, but he's nice and he really likes me and he keeps asking me out versus when I met Ryan and I was like, oh, you're really healthy. You mean, you communicate with me? Huh. Interesting. What source is this? Right? Totally different experience. I don't need you to do charity work. Not asking you to do charity work. What I am asking you to do is challenge your nervous system and start asking yourself some questions here, right? What are your values? See if there is a value alignment. Write down three core values and three deal breakers. Then I want you to ask, does this relationship or this courtship align with my values, even if it's less exciting? Is it really that, God, I just don't like this person. They don't have anything that I want? Or is your nervous system just like, this is weird. I don't know that I

• 13:44Sabrina Zohar?

  like this. This feels uncomfortable. Chase that, not the other. You chase the other of like, this is boring. And you go for the person that excites you. I could all but guarantee you'll just be in therapy a lot longer than you need to be. And you'll have more to talk to your therapist about. All right. So let's talk about why healthy love feels scary. That's the biggie, right? It's real. So Dr. Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection. So vulnerability is the birthplace of connection, but also the space where shame and fear show up. That's really, really important. So healthy relationships require vulnerability, which can trigger that fear of rejection or exposure. I had somebody write in recently and it was, I'm not going to share his story. I'll share mine. It was same as like a story I went through. Actually, it was the same as the guy that I dated right before Tech Guy. And it was the same thing, like met this guy and he had told me from the beginning,

• 14:28Sabrina Zohar?

  "Oh, I never, I don't date anybody beyond two months." And in the time, I remember even just sitting there going, huh. Cause I asked, when I ask people, "Why are you single?" I don't mean like, what hap- no, no, no. My genuine question is like, "Why are we here? What led us to this moment here?" When I say like, "Why are we single?" I'm like, "What happened that you and I are both available at this time?" And it's kind of the same, you know, it's another way of asking how your last relationship ended and wanted to teach you about yourself. And you don't have to ask this question. It's just something I personally did. And I would preface that. I'd be like, when I say like, "Why are we single?" I'd be like, "No, no, no. I don't mean like, what's wrong." No, I meant like, what happened. And that's when he said, he was like, "Well, I always have these really great times and I feel blah, blah, blah. And then after two months, I get bored." And I was like, huh, something's here. He gets, I get turned off. And like clockwork, well, that's what happened with us. We started getting really intimate. We started getting really vulnerable. I was

• 15:11Sabrina Zohar?

  very much of like, "Hey, you know, like, how are you feeling? What's coming up for you? Do you want to share anything? How are, are you liking the way that our, you know, relationship is forming?" Normal fuck questions. And I would always tell his discomfort. And then he was around when Clem got sick and when Clem passed away and he saw how I was, and he couldn't show up for me. I remember when Clemmy got diagnosed and I came home shaking and my, I was alone and my mom was like, "You need to be, like, call him and have him come over." And his response was, "Oh, I was gonna watch a movie tonight." And I was like,

• 15:39Sabrina Zohar?

  like, I know now with the partner that I have, like, I remember even when I broke my foot, I didn't even have to ask Ryan to come over. He was like, "I'm on my way." Granted, he was being a bit of an asshole that day, but like, we've talked it through, right? Welcome to avoidant. People are human. But in this, I knew that if the roles were reversed, if, I mean, even after a date, like, when I moved to my new apartment, Ryan had dinner at my place for me and my mom ready, and he has specifically chosen the restaurant that he knew he loved. Like, that was, and it's not about somebody buying something for you, it's the thoughtfulness. I knew that if Clem, God forbid, got sick now, or something happened, like in the, in the early courtship with my partner, he would have not even blinked an eye. He would have been at my house, he would have been at the doctor with me, going with me, knowing that my dog had been sick, just to show the difference. And that's where I would say, me being super healthy really triggered this guy. He couldn't

• 16:22Sabrina Zohar?

  fucking handle it. And that was, like clockwork, two months came around and I'll never forget what he said. He was like, I remember he, that was the guy, we were having sexual intimacy issues, because he was at first, we were just having issues. I'll just say that. I need to go TMI. And it was a problem and I was very dissatisfied, I was very unsatisfied. I was like, I don't know what to do. Right? Like it's, this is not working for us. And after he started going on the, you know, I think it's because I'm not attracted to you anymore. And I was like, wait, what? When did that happen? He was like, oh, I don't know. I was just thinking that maybe that's the issue. And I was like, but does that how you feel? He was like, no. And he's like, maybe I don't like your personality. And I was like, wait, have you been thinking that? He was like, no, I think you're awesome. He's like, but I'm just thinking maybe that's it. And I was like, no, you're trying to find a problem. His grandfather had even told him, don't let this one go. Don't fuck it up. In front of me and I was like, something's up.

• 17:05Sabrina Zohar?

  The exact example of what I'm saying, that vulnerability could be really, really fucking triggering to people. Because that's why it's a lot of, I'm going to keep it arms length. I'm going to keep you at a distance. I am scared to finally receive what it is that I'm worthy of. Plus there is, let's talk about the self sabotage, the self-protection, if you will, right? And the fear of being fully seen can lead us to pushing healthy partners away. Right? Your brain resists peace because it's unfamiliar and that's why we self sabotage. No, you see how that's a protection. Oh God, I've been hurt in the past. I don't want it. Okay. Do behavior and things and that way it'll, then what happens? You go, see? I never want the people that want me and then the people I don't want are the ones, you know, the people that want me are the ones that I don't want. But yet the people that I want don't want me back. And it's like, that's not a coincidence.

• 17:50Sabrina Zohar?

  That's a defense mechanism because it's unfamiliar and that is why we self sabotage. That's why we have these self-protection is because they're pushing us away from things that are actually good for us. Because our brain is like, hey, I can't handle this and we have to rework that. So someone said, how do I stop feeling anxious in a healthy relationship? Well, because anxiety is often stemming from unresolved fears of abandonment. And healthy relationships, they challenge these fears. They offer security, but they can feel really unnatural at first. And that's why a lot of us will be like, I don't understand this. What are you doing? Who are you? And this is where I have to say, right? It's not about just like stopping being anxious. Right? Again, this is also why Masha and I created the nervous system course. The nervous system course is there to help you guys in the early stages of dating to navigate these really uncomfortable positions.

• 18:35Sabrina Zohar?

  It's really important to learn how to sit in the discomfort, right? You can even have like a micro affirmation. Every time your partner shows up consistently, name it, right? They followed through and that feels Really safe. That feels really uncomfortable because I'm not used to it. Or I expressed myself and this person created a really beautiful environment where I could express myself honestly and openly and they didn't judge me. That feels really, really refreshing. Or this person's super consistent with their plans and that makes me feel like a priority. I really appreciate that. We're so used to finding all the problems, but yet we're not really used to finding any solutions or looking and saying, huh, maybe I did find somebody that does. And when we're again, we're sitting in that discomfort, we're getting curious. I could have written Ryan off. You guys know my story of the texting. I very easily could have been like, well, fuck this blah, blah. But instead I was like, wait a minute.

• 19:21Sabrina Zohar?

  This person's super healthy. Why am I going to walk away from something when there's no massive red flags glaring about this person's personality? And so it's important to hold yourself accountable as well. Right? Because healthy love isn't about constant highs. It's about stability. But that's a stability. It doesn't mean that there's no connection or sparks. With Ryan, I didn't have like high highs and low lows. I didn't have this like, right? I mean, I think I've told you guys the story about the narcissist I dated and how I, yeah, how I like reconnected years later with his ex. Almost every time when I first met my ex and I remember just calling my mom being like, I met him. He's the one. And it's like, he was the one that got, he's the one that led me here. I'll say that. So I am grateful for him every single day. But that wasn't the one. Right?

• 20:04Sabrina Zohar?

  So here's a study. It was done by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson's and it's broaden and build theory. So positive emotions like contentment and trust expand our ability to build deeper relationships. So what does that actually look like in practice? So here's a tool. It's called the alignment and the adventure matrix. So I want you to assess alignment. Does this person share your values and goals? Then I want you to build adventure, plan novelty together. So new experiences, new activities, shared things. We want to start to build and broaden on this ability to build a deeper relationship. So it's the same when I met tech guy. I was like, do we share the same values and goals? Absa fucking lutely we did. Absolutely. And that's why I was like, ooh, let's have more experiences together.

• 20:46Sabrina Zohar?

  Let's do this. Let's do this because I really wanted to get to know this person in different ways and understand their, kind of what made them them. And so we really want to understand and how do we have Have the ability to build these deeper relationships, right? And so when you are content and when you do trust your partner, how do you think you're going to be able to build this? It's like, it doesn't just happen. And that's why, this is exactly why. When I say, oh, if you don't trust other people, that's a sign that you're insecure and that you need to do the work. And then I get bitched out of like, what? That's fucked up. I had this, I had this, this is why I don't trust people. It's like, but that's projecting that onto other people. Anything, but even outside of abuse, a lot of us have experienced really abusive situations and none of us had it coming and none of us earned it or deserved it.

• 21:29Sabrina Zohar?

  But it is my responsibility to work through that so that my next partner doesn't have to deal with the repercussions of what someone else did to me. That doesn't mean that you won't still be a human and have flare ups and have moments, but that also means that we tap into our tools. Because when I don't trust somebody, then what I'm saying is I also don't trust myself. And if I don't trust myself or other people and start to build that, trust is conditional. I give you a little, I see what you do with it, then I give you more. Why do you think I also say to go fucking slow? When you're dating people that are narcissists and we give all this trust and we traumatize them and we give them all of their ammunition and then we wonder why they're using it against us and how they're able to manipulate us? That's what I mean by it's conditional. You give a little, you see what somebody does with that trust and then you build onto that.

• 22:14Sabrina Zohar?

  So someone had asked, how do I allow the slow burn and trust it's enough? Well, because trusting the slow burn means focusing on actions over intensity. Right? Do they show up consistently? Do I feel emotionally safe? Do I feel seen, heard and understood? Do I see progress? Do I see that this person's actually showing up for me in different ways? And then you ask, is that enough for me? Do I feel like this is enough right now for me to continue building with this person? Yeah, seeing them once or twice a week, I'm fine with that. This feels comfortable. I'm definitely seeing progress. They're not shying away from conversations. We have plans for, you know, the next couple of weeks. I'm good with this for now. For now, that's the biggest thing. My mama has always said, end everything with for now. Because when you end it with for now, You're actually allowing yourself to focus on the present moment.

• 22:59Sabrina Zohar?

  It doesn't mean it'll be like that forever. That just means that where we are in this moment, that's what we have to deal with. All right. So now we're going to start to talk about this boring thing. So we need to reframe the boring, right? Boring isn't the absence of love. It's the presence of stability. I'm going to say that again. Boring isn't the absence of love. It's the presence of stability. And so Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that secure love isn't about the smirk, but it's emotional responsiveness. Let me ask you a question. Boring, right? Boring would imply I'm not interested in this person. I don't really care. My needs aren't being met. I'm all over the place, right? I'm not being a versus, right? That's not the just like boring is, oh, well, I don't really actually like this person. They don't care. No, stability.

• 23:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Stability is how we actually, how do you think I'm able to open up and express myself to my partner? Is because he's incredibly stable and tries to be as consistent as he possibly can and vice versa. Right? If we reframe, we have to look at it as, no, no, no. Boring, boring doesn't mean that it's neck, it's a bad thing. The quote unquote, it's healthy means that I actually have safety and security, something I never fucking had when I was a child. And someone had asked, how do I differentiate between healthy love and what is actually boring? Okay. Healthy love is peaceful. It's steady, steady growth as well and shared alignment. That's healthy. Somebody, again, I feel really safe and secure with this person. Whereas boring is a lack of shared curiosity and emotional intimacy. Right? I don't really give a fuck about what you're talking about. We've all been there. We're on the date and you're like, you're great.

• 24:26Sabrina Zohar?

  Don't get me wrong, for someone else, you're just not great for me. There's nothing wrong with that person. And imagine if that person came and said, well, am I not good enough for you? What does it have to do with your worth? Whenever we go back to, I'm not good enough. That's just a core belief. There is no such thing as, well, if you're too much, well, they're not enough. Or you are, you know, not good enough. So find someone who is good enough. And it's like, but who's dictating good enough? I have never broken up with somebody or ended it with somebody because I said, "You're not good enough for me." I might've said, "We don't align, we don't have the same shared goals, we don't have the values, we don't have the same commonalities," but it's not that your worth is anything that has to do with this. So if we're constantly going back on, "Am I good enough? Am I, am I, what is, am I not worthy? Do you not see me?" It's like, "Let me ask you a question.

• 25:09Sabrina Zohar?

  Who has the mic?" As Britt Frank always says, "Who has the mic? How old do you feel? How old do you feel in those moments?" Then we can start to get a little bit more curious about what's actually coming up for us. So I want you guys to always reflect on, "Do I feel emotionally fulfilled? And are we working towards a shared goal?" It's gonna be their biggest differentiating factor here. Because more often than not, when we are in this dating landscape and you are navigating the waters in this, you're not gonna know that probably off the bat, but it's starting to get curious every date, right? Remember, first dates, just to see if you want to have a second date. Second dates, just to see if you want to have a third date. And no, it's not fucking healthy. It is a huge fucking red flag when someone comes out the gate, starting at 100. That's called love bombing. That's not safety, that's not security, that's creating a false sense of intimacy.

• 25:52Sabrina Zohar?

  That person is trying to create a fake foundation. And then we wonder why, then all of a sudden, when they change, you're blindsided. Or all of a sudden, you're like, "What happened to that person? You were great for two weeks, it wasn't who they actually are." That's built consistently over time. That's why we say, "Go slow." Going slow isn't an excuse for bad behavior. Going slow just means you're giving yourself time and your nervous system time to acclimate to this person and see if they also align with you, not just if they choose you. And remember, if you are the healthy person and people are always overlooking you and they're not giving you the chance, I want you to remember that being secure is a really big superpower. Because it creates the foundation for lasting love. And remember, remember, many people come back once they realize the spark is unsustainable, but that's gonna be too late. I've had that.

• 26:35Sabrina Zohar?

  Guys, the guy that reached out and he was like, "I fucked up, you were definitely the healthiest." Like, I've had that, I've gotten many of those texts where it's like, "I'm sorry, I fucked up, you were really healthy, I wasn't ready." And it's like, "That's okay, thank you so much, I appreciate that, you go on your way, I'm good, I've moved on." You're right, I am really healthy. And there is an amazing person that gets to benefit from that. And that person is me, at the end of the day. So here's a couple of tools. I want to give you some practical tools for reframing healthy love. So the first one is grounding through discomfort. You guys know how much I love sit through the discomfort. So when you feel uneasy in a healthy relationship, I want you to ask three questions. One, what am I feeling? Okay, I feel anxious, I feel bored, I feel I'm not really that interested. Okay, second, what's the story that I'm telling

• 27:19Sabrina Zohar?

  myself? Well, I feel like the person for me is going to be more exciting. I feel like I am settling with this. Okay, now the third question, is this discomfort growth or is it a red flag? Because a red flag is behavioral patterns that are concerning. Well, no, there's no red flags here. I find I do like this person. They are really cool. They check all the boxes, but yeah, maybe I'm trying to find a fucking problem here. Maybe I'm trying to move away from somebody that's really healthy because I don't actually feel like I'm deserving and worthy of that. Because we could say, I think I'm deserving of love. I believe I'm worthy of it. And then you look at your dating patterns and you're like, but yet you date people that make you think the contrary of that. That's just reaffirming your core beliefs. So then that shows me I don't know that you actually genuinely

• 28:02Sabrina Zohar?

  believe that. Love you. It's true. It's true. The second thing is I want you to start rewiring your brain for safety. So this is inspired by Dr. Kristin Neff's work on self compassion. A daily affirmation could be, I am worthy of love and stability. I am deserving. I am whole and beautiful and perfect as I am. And then journal, right? What is one way that your partner shows up for you daily? Again, this is what I mean by like allow people to show up in other ways. If texting is your only means of seeing if somebody is emotionally available and interested in you, then that's the fucking problem. And that's why you're craving that novelty and you're waiting for the dopamine hit and you're always waiting for the next, the next, the next, because you're not actually looking at how else someone's showing up. Someone can text you every fucking morning, good morning and automate that. Even Britt Frank and I were talking about that. She was like, more often than not, it's either narcissists that usually end up doing that, or just super

• 28:47Sabrina Zohar?

  insecure people that are constantly seeking that validation. Because baby, if you're, if you have all the time in the world to be texting me and calling me all fucking day, then that means I need to build a life outside of this because that's not healthy for me. I don't want to get into that. So if we're looking and we're saying, well, but you know, I feel bored, or this person doesn't really do what I want. It's like, I really want you to stop and look and say, how else are they trying to show up? Oh yeah, every time they consistent with plans. They asked me a ton of questions of depth. They're really excited about me meeting their friends next week. Like, these are all really beautiful ways, or this person opens all the doors for me and really cares about me. It could be small things. It doesn't have to be this like monumental thing of like they buy me roses every week. Okay, so someone asked, how do I know when to open up? Well, you open up when someone has shown you consistent trust, right? So I want you to ask, am I sharing this to connect or to seek reassurance?

• 29:33Sabrina Zohar?

  I remember trauma dumping on this dude. Complete trauma dump. We were at dinner and I'm telling about my brother, I'm going, because I wanted to force the connection. I could tell that we weren't really connecting. I could tell that like this wasn't really it. But I was like, but he's a nice guy and like we'll make this work. And it was like, no, we didn't make, we didn't need to make it work. And at the end of the day, I was like, oh, I need to, I need to save this. I need to open up. I get to open up when this person shows me that it's safe to do so. When I've opened up before and they didn't use it against me, they're there to support me and they're creating a safe space for me to do that. So guys, we've come to the end, right? Because I want you to remember, healthy love isn't boring, it's peaceful. It's the kind of love that builds a foundation for everything you've ever wanted.

• 30:17Sabrina Zohar?

  And I want you to lean into that discomfort. I want you to lean into that peace. And I want you to let it challenge your old ways because being secure is a gift. It's not a fucking flaw. And here is your challenge for this week. This week, I want you to journal. You can write it in the comments. You can leave a comment for us because you know, bebes, I love to hear from you guys in YouTube or in Spotify, whatever. And I want you to ask, what does healthy love truly mean to me? What does that mean to me? And then what's one fear I can release about receiving it? Is it that I'm scared of being hurt? I'm scared of being rejected. I don't want someone to leave me. I'm scared that if I let somebody in, it's going to devastate me. How can I let that go? And how can I learn that that's okay? People are probably going to hurt me. And part of boundaries and moving on is grief.

• 31:01Sabrina Zohar?

  Is allowing yourself to grieve the person that you were and the person that you might lose from that, and that's okay. But you are getting closer to the person that's for you, not further away would you do that. And oftentimes, that person is ourself. So, I love you guys. Don't forget, if you need anything, everything's a link in show notes. Don't forget, rate, review the show, share it with a friend, and send us your listener questions for In the Trenches, [email protected]. Guys, I love you. Thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. And until next time, my babies.