224: Stop Asking Everyone But Yourself

You already know the answer. You just keep asking everyone but yourself: him, your friends, your therapist, a stranger with a podcast, anyone who will confirm what you already feel. Sabrina gets into why outsourcing your worth feels safer than trusting your own read, and what happens when you let someone else's behavior become the verdict on your value. He pulled away, so you must be too much. She chose someone else, so you must be nothing. Listener questions on telling a gut feeling apart from relationship anxiety and ROCD, love bombing and ghosting, staying in a situationship that keeps regressing, and chasing emotionally unavailable men while writing off the available ones as doormats. Anxious and avoidant attachment, reassurance seeking, the abandonment wound, boundaries, and how to stop handing over the pen so your own knowing finally counts. Come see me on tour! https://sabrinazohar.com/tour Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠⁠ Get your free workbook and access to the companion course after pre-ordering 'Why Am I Like This?' by filling out the form at the bottom of the page at ⁠http://sabrinazohar.com/book⁠ Take the new and improved dating quiz! ⁠sabrinazohar.com/quiz⁠ If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Product of the week! https://amzn.to/3UAsfKI Get Ad free ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠⁠Sabrina⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠⁠ on Instagram and ⁠⁠Sabrina ⁠⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠⁠YOUTUBE!⁠⁠ Chapters: 00:00 Are They Into Me Or Am I Reading In 03:09 Would You Be Proud Of Your Life 05:23 Gut Feeling Or Relationship Anxiety 08:02 Why Green Flags Feel Uncomfortable 11:23 Owning Your Part In What Repeats 15:45 Stop Romanticizing The Bare Minimum 19:16 How To Validate Yourself 23:11 Chasing Someone Who Is Pulling Away 27:18 The Red Flags You Ignore Early On 31:34 Losing Weight Won't Make Them Stay Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 0:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Why can't I pick up cues that a guy likes me? A man noticed my sigh. He's into me, right? That's one way to look at it. I could say that. I think what I'm hearing more than why can't I pick up on this person's cues is I don't trust myself enough to discern between if this person is showing me interest or if they're just picking up on the fact that I'm a human. Right? I see this all the time. I had a client once come to me and every single solitary little thing was, no, no, but see, that means they like me. It was, well, we matched at 11/11. So of course that meant it was a sign. It's like, hmm, sure, it's also the salience network, but that's fine. Or, well, he said this, so that I knew it. That means he likes me. We end up filling in the blanks. We give meaning to things because, one, it makes it feel more romantic, right?

• 1:15Sabrina Zohar?

  Doesn't it feel like it means more that I sighed and this guy noticed me? It's like, maybe he went, huh, and then somebody just looked at you and kept going. It's the same as my brother always used to say, like, when people say, oh, well, you know, they liked my story. And he's like, do you see how quick that was? It doo-doo. It takes 10 seconds, literally, not even 10 seconds, a second to do that. It's the same as giving meaning to somebody looking at you on the street and keep on walking. And you're like, but see, they made eye contact with me. It's like, sure. Really, what we need to start to be able to do is be more discerning between, am I seeing this for what it is or am I seeing this for what I'm hoping it is? And that's really the differentiating here. Do you trust yourself enough to say, I know what it is that I saw. I know what it is that I felt. I, I struggled with that, I'm not gonna lie.

• 1:57Sabrina Zohar?

  When I lived in Venice and in my, even in New York, I would romanticize things. I would see a guy at Gold's Gym when I was there and he would smile at me and walk off. And I'd be like, oh my God, that's it. He wants to be with us. So every time I would go there, I would try to position myself next to this person and try to recapture this, when at the end of the day, that person was just smiling. Maybe, holding two conflicting thoughts, maybe that person did find me attractive. And maybe he was like, wow, she's a pretty girl. But maybe that doesn't mean that he actually wanted to act on anything. And oftentimes, I tried to force that intimacy and that meaning-making because it helped me to feel like I was being chosen or like I am actually worthy and deserving of somebody to choose me. Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host.

• 2:42Sabrina Zohar?

  My babes, welcome back to another in the trenches. Pew, pew, we're in this together. Guys, I am so excited. We're like a month out from the book. Oh my God. We're a month away from Why Am I Like This hitting bookstores. And if you pre-ordered it, it's gonna be in your mailbox in just a short amount of time. I'm so grateful, you guys. Thank you so much. Thank you for pre-ordering a hardcover. You can preorder whatever the fuck you want. You can get the audiobook, which I'll be reading to you, the ebook or the hardcover. But the hardcover is how I make the New York Times bestselling list. So guys, thank you for everything. As always, if you need anything, everything's at sabrina zohar.com. I am changing the way I do things. We're creating a new structure. I'm not gonna be working one-on-one with people as much because we're gonna be doing other things, writing my second book. There's a lot of amazing things happening and I couldn't be more grateful to share them with you. Even how good my fucking hair looks today.

• 3:26Sabrina Zohar?

  Mom got her hair done and I am feeling just really good. And I think I shared this with you guys last time. When I say I'm feeling good, it's not because anything happened. Sometimes you just realize you have no control about the external and feeling really in the moment. Actually, you know what? I lied. You know what shifted it for me? I fucking lied. This morning, I watched a news segment about a 26-year-old girl who documented her battle with cancer and who just died. And it really hit me in that moment going, what if, God forbid, right? Like, I just found out I have fatty liver disease. It's so fun. A non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. And it's just that my body's not processing fat and so it's accumulating in my liver and I'm not like, I'm not dumping the shit that I need, literally and figuratively. In that moment, and when my doctor called me last week, I, like, my heart stopped and I was like, should I be worried? And she's like, oh my God, no, no, no.

• 4:10Sabrina Zohar?

  Thank God, you have the one that doesn't cause cancer. But what if, what if, what if that wasn't the answer? What if the answer was, I'm so sorry, Sabrina, this is something you should be worried about? And it hit me in that moment that, imagine if this was it. Imagine if I were told, all right, Sab, this is your last day. How would I feel about my life that I've lived? How would I feel about all the things that I worry about? And the endless times looking at analytics and metrics or texts and this, and why isn't this person choosing me? And so maybe together collectively, we can stop for a beat and say, if you were to be told right now, this is it, this is the last day, make the best out of it. Are you proud of the life that you lived? And if your answer's similar to mine going, no, I worried about shit that I just don't need to worry about because I need to learn to trust myself so much more than all of

• 4:52Sabrina Zohar?

  this bullshit, then let's cumulatively, together, make this decision now that we are going to change our lives and that we are going to demand the life that you've always deserved, the one that somebody taught you maybe couldn't be achievable. And now you get to remind yourself, you have always been worthy and deserving of so much fucking more. And I will be here every step of the way to remind you of that, too. So together, let's do this. Let's be proud of the life that we're living. Let's have these moments, whether it's with people or ourselves, that if I close my eyes and I don't open them, at least I know I lived my fucking life to the fullest and I am goddamn proud of the version that fucking showed up. That's my little sermon for you for today. Okay. Let's get into a recording.

• 5:37Sabrina Zohar?

  Don't forget, this episode's only as good as the questions and the profiles and the shit y'all write in to me in the trenches at sabrina zohar.com or at sabrina zohar.com/podcast. You can leave one of these voice notes. So I'm so excited. I love them. All right, babes, let's get into this together.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  Hi. I am wondering how you can determine the difference between a gut feeling and relationship anxiety or relationship OCD? If it's like incompatibility, if you're just nitpicking it because you think someone should be perfect, even though you know no one is? Having a tough time figuring out whether this person is right for me or not? And I can't tell if it's a gut feeling or just my relationship OCD because I felt this with every relationship I've been in.

• 6:25Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, babes. Well, first of all, thank you for sharing that. And I really appreciate the courage to share that with everybody. So what I hear really, first of all, is like a lack of self-trust, right? And you said that, I don't know how to differentiate. So let's talk about this. When we think about, is it anxiety or is it my gut intuition? Now, we have to remember, too, for a lot of us, our gut wasn't a place that we could trust. It wasn't a safe place. Our gut was something that we have struggled to discern between. And so think of it this way. If I were to say, hey, do you like the color of my shirt? And you went, it's okay. Right? Do you notice how it's a pretty immediate reaction? It doesn't come with any body sensations. It doesn't come with a narrative. It doesn't come with a story. It's just, yep, nope, I either like it or I don't. And you made that decision pretty definitively.

• 7:10Sabrina Zohar?

  Versus if you were like, oh, I don't know. Oh shit, wait, but what if I say that I like it, but if that's insulting to her? And what if, do you start to notice how you start to create a narrative? Oh, I don't wanna be a bad person. I don't wanna say it's ugly when I actually think it's really cute. But then what if she thinks I'm just trying to kiss her ass if I say it's pretty? You start to create a narrative. You start to create a story. And then you start to have body sensations. You wanna know if it's anxiety or your gut intuition? One comes with a narrative and a story, right? They don't like me. They're not into me. They're probably gonna get over me. I don't know if this is the right one for me. You start to overthink, you start to panic, and you start to have these body sensations. Your gut reaction is a lot more calming. I think this is right for me or no, I don't. And I don't need to over-explain myself because I trust myself that no matter what, I'll be okay, even if this isn't the right fucking answer. What took me from this, right? Now, listen, I, my partner has OCD, so I understand it from an external, but I am

• 7:54Sabrina Zohar?

  no expert on it. But I understand having loops, ADHD brain, right? Really ruminating and spiraling on things because you wanna get an answer. What gave it away for me, what I, the reason I don't think that this is maybe the not right, the right relationship for you. And again, let me preface here, I will never tell you what to do. I, I want to make sure that you are making choices for yourself because no matter what, at the end of the day, you're left with you and it is not my life to live. But if you're saying, I felt this with every relationship I've been in, that was the dead giveaway, that I don't actually think that this is maybe not the right relationship for you. This sounds like a pattern, literally the motherfucking book I wrote. This sounds like a pattern of behavior. You are noticing that maybe you're finding the icks. You're finding things that don't feel right. Let me guess, things are going well?

• 8:39Sabrina Zohar?

  This person likes you? You guys are progressing the relationship? Because oftentimes, that goes against your core beliefs. When somebody is really into you and you find yourself pushing away and saying, no, thank you, and you have nothing to quantify it, it's not because you don't like their personality or you don't align on life values. When you don't have anything concrete, a good portion of the time, that's because you were struggling to receive healthy love. We talk all the time about red flags, but you know what we don't actually touch upon? The green flags and how uncomfortable those can make us feel. The fact that we have to grieve parts of us that used to accept less than that. And the fact that now we have to grieve the parts of us that don't actually believe that we are deserving and worthy of the love this person is trying to give me. You can run away from red flags all fucking day, but what are you gonna do when someone wants to give you love without you having to earn it? Then are you gonna be able to show up and receive it? And I see this all the time and I know it because I used to do it.

• 9:24Sabrina Zohar?

  When you meet somebody healthy. And again, I just always tell you guys, I don't want you to do charity work. I'm not asking you to date people that you're like, I don't like their personality. I'm really bored. Do you align on life values? Do you have the same goals? So if Ryan and I, for instance, I have always known that this was the career I wanted and that I wanted to scale and grow. I wanted to become the biggest podcast in the world. I want to have my own TV show, right? Like, that is my number one goal is I really want my own fucking Netflix show. Netflix, if you're hearing me, hi, I'm your girl. But I've always known that. And if, when we started dating, if he told me, I want to live on a small farm in Montana and I don't want anybody and I don't want the internet in my house, well, then I would off the bat go, okay, we're not aligned, right? Or if I'm with him going, I'm bored, this person doesn't ask me questions, they just

• 10:08Sabrina Zohar?

  want to wait for me to stop talking so that they can start. I don't feel fulfilled. My cup feels very empty when I'm with them. Those are all really great ways to go, this isn't right for me. And if you guys want to go back to the compatibility episode from what, like, I think it's episode 214, if I'm not mistaken? My noggin's still there, something like that. It's like 214 or 212, something in that world. On, are you actually compatible? Because we think compatibility means like, we align on everything and we like the same things and we all, no. Do you feel safe, seen, heard, and understood? Is this weird for you? Is this a corrective experience? Right? Is this your nervous system going, oh? I had a corrective experience the other night with a group of girls. We have this group that we call the Core Four. And it's me and three other girlfriends. And we all sat there and I started tearing up because I was like, I've never felt, seen,

• 10:51Sabrina Zohar?

  heard, and understood in the way by a group of girls, right? Specifically, multiple women in one, in one encounter. And that was my nervous system saying, you're not in middle school anymore, Sab. You're an adult now. You get to have these relationships. You've earned it and you deserve it. And you know why you earned it? By being you, by showing up authentically as you. So I totally understand that dating somebody and you're not sure if you can trust this, but the fact that you said this happens with every relationship I'm in, then that is the pattern. So what I would start to look at is say a couple of things. Now, I'm not saying you have to be with this person, but my response and my question back would be, what are the common themes that you're seeing? Is it that you're rushing into something and then all of a sudden, six months in, you start to realize that maybe you guys aren't compatible and that's why you keep seeing a pattern?

• 11:35Sabrina Zohar?

  Is it that every single time, you start to create narratives and stories that don't exist and fill in the blanks and then all of a sudden you get turned off from this person and then that's why it keeps ending the same way? This isn't about shame or blame, but you know what it is? Accountability. It's about taking ownership of our part and going, okay, yeah, I could see how I do that consistently. I can see how I have unrealistic expectations. I can see how I push people away or I don't allow love. I could see that. To me, I would start to get curious about the pattern that's showing up here because based on what you told me, I can't tell you if this is the right person for you or not. You have to be okay letting this person go and saying that I'm okay to go out there and date and put myself out there. And if I never meet someone like them, that's for the best? That's a different feeling than, I'm not sure and if I do, oh, fuck, maybe I did make a mistake. And I, I had to think that a lot with Ryan when we started dating.

• 12:20Sabrina Zohar?

  I really had to challenge myself because every time it got uncomfortable, I wanted to bolt. I wanted to be like, oh, you see, we're not right for each other. That's why I say, my anxious babes, we are also avoidant. We have those parts of us that when it becomes really intense, that's why we protest behavior of like, well, maybe I should just leave, maybe I should just like not be in this. That doesn't make, there's anything wrong with you, that just makes you a human. So from what it sounds like, I think that if we're seeing a pattern, we have to get curious about which part of you is coming up telling you to run and what do they think they're protecting you from? And what did you think this was going to be? Because oftentimes we have this fairy tale about what a relationship's going to be. And then when you get it, rarely does it actually align because fantasy and reality are two different things. Wow, Sab, you were saying some really smart shit, but I'm sorry, I have to interrupt that to announce, your girl is on tour, my friends.

• 13:05Sabrina Zohar?

  London, October 6th, I'm coming your way. We might be adding a couple more shows on the 7th and 8th, but for now, get your tickets for the 6th, babe. And you can get a book there too and I'll sign it. Yay! And October 27th, I will be at Warwick's in San Diego with Ms. Masha Kay, doing the same thing, a Q and A and a book signing. I know my babes, October 16th, our LA show had to be moved. We refunded everybody. I am so fucking sorry, but we had a snafu with the theater and we're trying our dang best to get it rescheduled for December. But friends, I am so honored, grateful, and excited to see you live, babes. I know, you guys keep telling me to come to other cities. Well, babies, we need to grow this show up so that we can have a sold out theater around the country. So tell your friends, I'm coming to your city soon, but for now, London, San Diego, I'm coming your way. And if you can't make it out, thank you for pre-ordering the book.

• 13:50Sabrina Zohar?

  Go get Why Am I Like This right now. And babies, I couldn't be more grateful. Love you.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 14:22Speaker 03

  Honey, that flu keeping you up? Did you take Nyquil Intense Flu?

• 14:30Speaker 04

  Nah, I got this. Okay, I don't got this.

• 14:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, you need Nyquil Intense Flu.

• 14:38Speaker 05

  Undo your flu with Nyquil Intense Flu. Nyquil Intense Flu provides powerful relief of your flu symptoms so you can sleep.

• 14:45Speaker 03

  You do got this.

• 14:48Speaker 05

  Nyquil Intense Flu, the nighttime sniffling, aching, aching fever, best sleep with the flu, medicine. Use as directed, keep out of reach of children.

• 14:55Sabrina Zohar?

  All right, let's go into a little repeat up fire, shall we? How to end things when they say the right things, but only do some of the right things? I'm confused by this because this person, they're, they say the right things, but do only some of the right things. How often are words and actions not aligning with this person? Because if they keep saying, I'm going to call you and never call you, okay, well, so and it sounds like maybe trust is eroding. But I would also then say, have you spoken to this person about that and been like, hey, so you say all of these things, but then this is what you do and that's an incongruence? And then it makes me feel like I can't really trust you. Now, if you're definitive in saying that you want to break up with this person, then you say, hey, I have had a really nice time with you. I think you're a really lovely person, but I'm not feeling this connection any further. There's incongruences in things that you're saying and things that you're doing.

• 15:40Sabrina Zohar?

  And for me, I need a lot more consistency, so I wish you all the best and don't want to waste either of our time. Simple, to the fucking point, let this person know so that you can move on and so can they. So somebody asked, is he bullshitting or is he being honest? Baby, you think that asking in 140 characters is going to be enough for somebody to be able to tell you that? If you're concerned that this person's bullshitting you, then maybe I think you need to start trusting yourself and listening to that gut that you don't trust this person. Because if you're asking me if he's lying to or being honest, you're not going to be able to see this for what it is because you're externally asking someone else to validate your internal experience. Three-month love bomb then ghosted. What questions to ask to know if it's real? Does the pinch match the ouch? Does the amount of time that you've known this person match the attention and affection that this person is giving you?

• 16:24Sabrina Zohar?

  You know how you'll know when somebody's love bombing you if it's real? Set a fucking boundary. Tell them, hey, I think you're really lovely, but this is moving really fast for me and I need to slow down the pace. Does that work for you? Because if they're being real with you, they will slow it down. If they're not, they're going to fucking ghost or leave because when someone starts at 100, where else do you want them to go? Do people know how odd they look ignoring all your texts but watching every single story? Why are you so focused on how they think and feel and their perception? Do you think they give a fuck about how you perceive them? You're so focused on that, but yet not focused on how does that make you feel? Okay, so they don't answer any of your texts, but they watch your stories. I hate to break it to you, but if this is a consistent theme, that they're consistently ignoring your texts, but only watching your stories, I don't think they're prioritizing you. Watching someone's story takes, literally, they're just clicking through.

• 17:09Sabrina Zohar?

  I think people forget, like, I was at a concert, middle of the fucking show, I looked down, this girl's on fucking Instagram. And when I say she was, boop, boop, boop, boop, whipping through stories, I couldn't even, I couldn't even keep up. I was just watching, I was like, oh my God, girl, where are we going? You forget how quickly people move through things, but again, you're giving so much meaning to this. If this, here's the thing, you're so focused on they're ignoring all your texts, bitch, where the fuck are they showing up? Where are they taking you out on dates? Where are they calling you and having intentionality? Stop romanticizing the bare fucking minimum. Stop romanticizing that someone texts you all the time, but then where are they when you actually fucking need them to build a relationship? That pen pal is keeping you single because now, this is where I have to say, do you love yourself enough to set a boundary?

• 17:53Sabrina Zohar?

  Or are you waiting for them to love you enough to validate that you are fucking worthy and deserving of being loved? He brought up how hot his celebrity crush is and I look nothing like her, her exes and types. That is okay, babes. It's so funny, I was on with my book coach today, we're writing my second book. Ah, I can't believe I'm saying that. I didn't think I'd have a first one, let alone a second. And I was telling her stories about my Venice days and she goes, oh, I know you and your type. She goes, you love a tall, muscular, tattooed man. I was like, hook, line, and sinker. My partner, he's tall, but he's not like a super, he's not like fucking jacked, like steroids looking dude with full sleeves. That's okay, that doesn't mean I don't find him handsome and don't love him and don't want to have sex with him and don't want to do all those things.

• 18:35Sabrina Zohar?

  What that means is that my celebrity crush was like Heath Ledger and Brandon Boyd and Brandon, I had a lot of Brandon's, Brandon Lee, Brandon Flower, yeah, there's a lot of Brandon's, that was my favorite name. That was actually, the boy I lost my virginity to was named Brandon. Talk about meaning-making, when I met him and he told me that, I was like, that's it, see? See? That's it, it's meant to be. Uh-uh, it wasn't. It wasn't, I thought he was my twin flame and here I am, 18 years later to let you know, he wasn't. He wasn't. What's happening is you're putting your core beliefs now. You're projecting your insecurities onto him and making it an issue when maybe he's just saying that that's who his celebrity crush is, but that doesn't necessarily mean he also, that's holding two conflicting thoughts. He can like that type and also find you hot. What do you do when you have moments of self-doubt in doing the work? You allow yourself to be a human because that's really normal?

• 19:20Sabrina Zohar?

  I don't know who told you that being, doing the work means you're going to have every answer. I don't. I do things, oh, do you know how many times I've, I've wasted thousands, if not $100,000 on the wrong employees, on hiring the wrong people, on being like, fuck, that wasn't the right one, or Jesus, god damn it, I shouldn't have put my money there. That doesn't mean I'm not still doing the work and learning and growing. That makes me a human because you don't have a crystal ball. You're going to doubt yourself. You're going to have moments where you're like, oh my God, I thought I did work on this. That's just an invitation and that's also self-awareness to be like, oh, right, I'm a human. Of course I'm going to doubt myself. Of course I'm going to think that I'm not enough or too, because that's what I was taught somewhere along the way, it doesn't just go away. And I really hope you guys can fucking hear me with that. Healing is not linear.

• 20:04Sabrina Zohar?

  It is not always on the up. You're going to have moments and days where you're like, man, have I even gone to therapy before? And then you're going to have moments that you're like, and there it is. There it is, because I make myself fucking proud every goddamn day with the way that I show up. How do you validate yourself after years of depending on your partner for validation? Again, okay, so this and then the next one, how to stop beating myself up for having hope about someone while still wouldn't be before. What is the, what is the common theme of all of these questions you guys are asking? How do I allow myself to be a human? Here's the crazy fucking answer. You go, wow, given everything I've been through, no munder, this would make me anxious. Yeah, no, that, that makes total sense. Do you notice how when you validate yourself, right? I had a client the other day and I did that to her, I said, okay, and how's it feel? And I validated her and I said, of course that would make you feel like that, of course. And she all of a sudden softened and I said, had that feel?

• 20:46Sabrina Zohar?

  And she started crying and she said, it just feels nice for me to feel like maybe there's nothing wrong with me. She was like, "Thank you for validating my experience. I think that's just what I needed to hear." And that just softens us, right? Like, the other day, Ryan, and I had a really tough day, and I was like, "I'm really struggling." And he looked at me and he goes, "Well, yeah, it's been a hard day." And I was like, "Oh, yeah, you're right. Thank you." Right? Sometimes we just need that reminder because we are, for some of us, right? Now, for all of us, we grew up in homes where you had to be perfect, you had to earn love, you always were hyper vigilant, so anytime you fuck up, that meant there was a risk and a fear of what was going to come from that fuck up. But again, now you're an adult, you get to tell you how you are going to respond. You get to make choices, and if you're attacking yourself and beating yourself up, you can't be shocked that you're stuck in this shame loop

• 21:30Sabrina Zohar?

  because you're the only one that can get yourself out of it. All right, let's go into a question. "I'm a 25-year-old woman, quite fresh out of a long-term relationship. My ex and I were open during the relationship, so casual dating and the starting phases of meeting someone are not new for me as such." Okay, yeah, I got questions. Uh, "What is new for me is navigating the first months of dating someone who could become a new partner." I've been seeing a guy... Okay, let me just start off here. You and your ex were open during the relationship. I want you to first be honest with me and with yourself if that actually worked for you. So that's the first thing. That's the first thing I want, even before we even go any further. You have to assess and acknowledge, did that work for you? Because I actually tried that. I tried, uh, open relationships with this one guy. Didn't work for me. Nope, nope. I hated knowing that he was out talking to other girls, fucking other girls, and dating other girls.

• 22:15Sabrina Zohar?

  But that was me. That doesn't... Please know, I am not making that about you, but I want you to first just take stock on what did you use to accept in your last relationship you're no longer willing to. I've been seeing a guy for three months now. We're very quickly, very quickly, very into each other, and because we live in the same dorm, oh, okay, we're, we're... I have questions, Angel Face. You are li... You're what? You're in college? And you already had a relationship that was open? Wow, wow. Maybe Gen Z is significantly more progressive than he ever fucking was. Uh, "We quickly started spending every night together. I did feel slightly stressed about this, but it got quite difficult to step out of it. After about two months, we had the talk and agreed to become exclusive, and that we both wanted it to go into a relationship direction. We would talk about that later on."

• 22:59Sabrina Zohar?

  "Some context: He's almost done studying for his masters and his..." Oh, masters, okay, so you guys are a little older. "...and is doubtful about moving back to his home country, depending on if he'll find a job. He has never voiced that could potentially be an issue for the two of us." I mean, I say this with love, but like, I don't know, maybe it's just me. I don't ever think college relationships are something to like be taken for life unless that's just the direction you guys go in. But I've always assumed that if you met in college, there's a good chance you don't continue. I could be wrong, right? Don't shoot the messenger, but a good portion of times it doesn't. "Two weeks later, he started to draw away, and I decided to ask him if we should take it down a notch with seeing each other so much as it was fueling my anxiety. At the same time, I let him know he can tell me if anything is wrong. He does and says that he has been feeling a little bit less excited about me, feeling less that is compared to being super hooked in the beginning,

• 23:45Sabrina Zohar?

  that he'd like to keep seeing me." Yeah, because that's not real. The same example is like, if you started taking drugs today, that's gonna be the best day of your life, but every day after is going to be constantly chasing that high because you're chasing a feeling, you're not actually getting to know each other for who you are. But I digress. "I press on and I ask him if he still has feelings for me like two weeks ago, and he agrees. We talked for hours and both agreed to keep seeing each other. I underlined that I didn't want to become a situationship, and he agreed and said that he wants to try. And after a week, we reconfirm that we are exclusive and dating seriously. Okay, we keep seeing each other about two times a week with spontaneous hangouts in between as well, inspired by both of us." Great. Skip to now. "About a month later, we've somewhat deepened our relationship and started having conversations about insecurities, fears, and so on. Encouraged by this, I check in with him again, and he says he feels like the two of us are still up in the air, but he'd like to keep seeing and, uh, see where it goes.

• 24:30Sabrina Zohar?

  He says that he's happy that I'm on board with that. I voiced that I am, that it is nice to take it slow..." Okay, this isn't taking it slow, by the way. I'm sorry, this isn't taking it slow. This is regressing. This is an example of what I mean by like, baby, I say this with love. You're making excuses now for the fact that this guy consistently keeps telling you he's not sure about you and he's not sure about you. Because when you started a hundred, where else are you going to go? You, you don't start... When you started a hundred, you're gonna keep adding? This is the point of what I say. This isn't going slow. This is retracting. This isn't him saying, "Hey, I think you're amazing. I like you. I definitely want to build a relationship, but I can't see you as often because now it's impacting my life." That's one thing. He's telling you, "I don't know if I still have the same feelings for you." And you're trying to be like, "It's cool, it's cool. Like, why don't we just keep seeing each other? And like, let's just kind of see where this goes." Okay, cool, you're on board, I'm on board.

• 25:15Sabrina Zohar?

  So I'm just saying, I'm just playing devil's advocate. I also voiced that we need to keep having these conversations, that our relationship needs to progress, so to speak. Like him going to see my friend at her concert, to which he agrees and says he'd like that. But yeah, but baby, at this point, you're like telling this guy how to be in a relationship with you. Like, you're telling him what to do. He's not actually coming up with any of this. "We reconfirm that we are exclusive, as I had that sense that he was pushing, not pushing, was not pushing for it." Again, stop trying so hard to get this guy to choose you. Okay, sorry. Well, finish the fucking story. I've never read this before, as you can tell. "Then he said that he'd like to focus on me but was unsure if he was controlled, if that, if he was controlling since I've been monogamous in the past." I don't even know what the fuck that means. "I said that I'd like to focus on him as well. He later voiced that he finds these talks challenging for him as his ex was, uh, who was quite a few years older than me, with a kid.

• 26:01Sabrina Zohar?

  Did most of the emotional work in his previ... Oh, I can tell! Did most of the previ... The emotional work in his previous relationship? He often finds himself saying the wrong things. I've said that I think that was nice that he is trying." Oh, my God. "My question finally is this: How should I proceed and navigate this? I feel so anxious about being chosen." I know. No, I know. That's the number one theme I see in this whole fucking thing that you wrote in, is that you want him to choose you so bad, you're not seeing him for who he is. I told, I literally, before I read that sentence, said, "You're carrying this entire thing. He is not doing any, anything." "I find myself wanting to control the outcome, knowing that I cannot, and wondering if the ship has sailed. Is he just sailing me? I'm also unsure if all these talks and me voicing my insecurities make me come across as needy." No, it comes across as you're not willing to see this for what it is. We gotta stop with this bullshit of like, "I am just coming off as needy." It's like, no, maybe you can also look and discern and say,

• 26:46Sabrina Zohar?

  "Maybe this isn't right for me because this person isn't reciprocating." Because like, also, you guys started at like intensity, and then now it's waning because you can't maintain that. And now what's happening, you're trying so hard to go back to day one that you're not seeing it for what it is, you're seeing it for what you want it to be, and it, it's not. It's just not. That's the withdrawal. That's that dopamine reward loop of trying so hard to recapture what you had without realizing that maybe that ship has sailed because now you have to see him for who he is, someone who's limited, someone who is telling you, "I don't have these types of conversations, and this feels like a lot, so this is the type of relationship you want?" "My intuition is telling me that he makes an effort to meet me by being concise and attempting to have these deeper emotional talks despite struggling, but I don't want to wait if I'm waiting for heartbreak as I really care for this guy. I constantly assign myself searching for signs that he's either more into me

• 27:31Sabrina Zohar?

  or pulling away and yearning for the label of boyfriend and girlfriend and find stability despite logically due to my previous long-term relationship needing the time." Thoughts? My thoughts are, I think you're kidding yourself. And I say that with love. Please know, I'm not trying to be a dickhead, but I tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. I am that friend that you probably put on mute after a while because you're like, "All right, I get it." But don't. The reason I'm saying this is like, you have your answer. You, here's the thing, you don't actually like this guy. And the reason I say that is because you're so focused on controlling the outcome to become his girlfriend that you're not actually looking to say, "Do I like how he's handling things? Do I like the way that this is going? Am I enjoying this process?" No. You care about this guy, sure. You can hold two conflicting truths. I can think you're an amazing person, but I can also acknowledge that you might not be my amazing person. And I think that realistically, as I've been saying throughout,

• 28:14Sabrina Zohar?

  is that I don't think you're seeing this for realistically what it is, which is this person is limited, you guys are in college, he's gonna potentially be moving away, like, this is where choosing yourself comes into play. I will not tell you what to do. You want to keep dating this person? Good luck, Godspeed. Because the reason you keep having these conversations is you're seeking that reassurance constantly because your gut knows that when you face reality to say that this guy ain't it, then you have to make a choice about it. And for a lot of us, making a choice feels like being a kid again, and we don't, we don't feel like we can. This is how you're starting. So remember, the red flags you notice in the beginning are ultimately what are gonna be what ends it. So this is what you're, how you're starting with it. And this is why when someone comes in strong, it's important for us to set boundaries, to say, "Hey, I gotta slow this down.

• 28:58Sabrina Zohar?

  This doesn't feel right for me." Because your nervous system, this is all dysregulation. You're, I would start to ask, "How old do you feel?"

• 29:05Sabrina Zohar?

  From my book, how old do you feel? How old do you feel in these moments when you're saying, "I just, I really want to control the outcome and I really want to be his girlfriend"? It's like, doesn't that sound like a teenager? Doesn't that sound like a kid? That doesn't sound like a grown-ass adult that's like, "Wait a minute, but do I like this, right? Like, do I even want to be with this person? Or is it really just the idea of him and me hoping that he's gonna choose me?" I can't answer that for you, even though I might think I know the answer, but you have to be okay with it, and that's the thing with the self-trust. I am not gonna be a snake oil salesman to be like, "I'll just tell you what to do, and you'll have it all." I won't do that for you. Because I want you to put your head on the pillow every night and know that you have control of your life, not that other people are controlling your life.

• 29:43Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 30:11Sabrina Zohar?

  All right, let's go into one more voice note.

• 30:14Speaker 06

  Hi Sabrina, I love your show. I listen to it religiously. You're a badass. I have a question for you regarding rejection and dating. I often gravitate towards emotionally unavailable men. I really find their stoic, independent, hard to get nature really attractive. And I know I deserve someone who is available to me. But the quote unquote nice guys I date, they tend to be kind of doormats. And I do want someone who doesn't need me, but wants me and chooses me and is independent. And so I'm trying to figure out how to find someone like that,

• 30:59Speaker 06

  who is also soft and kind and emotionally available. And I keep dating these guys and they kind of string me along and then reject me at the end because they don't have capacity. And even though I know my worth and I've done so much work on my abandonment wounds, I still just cannot help but think that if I was skinnier or prettier or hotter or cooler, that they would want me and choose me despite it really saying more about them. So I'm really just trying to shift that thinking. And yeah, I would love to know what you do to really get there.

• 31:42Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, angel. Oh, boy, I could hear myself in that voice note quite a bit. So the first thing is, you said, "I've done a lot of work on myself. I know I deserve better." You might think intellectually you deserve better, but I don't think you feel that you deserve better because I think this is the abandonment wound coming out, right? You have a pattern, right? Don't mean to shamelessly plug the book, but like, here we are. You have a pattern. And the pattern is that you're going for emotionally unavailable people. Are you being emotionally available yourself? Because the pendulum is swinging. We're going from these guys that are like treating you like you're an option and second fiddle and all those things. And then we have the people that are doormats. And so it's like, we're swinging too severely between wildly avoiding people and then super anxious people. I can't tell you like where to meet these people. You could meet anybody, anywhere. I met my partner on an app, right?

• 32:26Sabrina Zohar?

  I've met people at coffee shops before. It's not about, oh, there's one place where they all hang out. It's about what am I allowing in my life? Because this right now, it sounds like repetition compulsion. You said it, "I'm trying to work through the abandonment wound." You are trying to work through the abandonment wound through these other people. The things that you find attractive in them are probably the things that, one, you're hoping you have, right? More independence and feeling like you don't need these people and you want them in your life. That's sexy and I totally, trust me, that's a kink I can fucking go behind. But we're looking for a balance between independence and interdependence. And so then we have to start and say, what kind of questions are you asking early on? How emotionally available are you being? Are you taking up space early to assess? And let me tell you this, and baby, I learned this the hard way. You can lose the weight, get the job, make the money and still be fucking miserable.

• 33:11Sabrina Zohar?

  Because if somebody doesn't have capacity for you, it's not because you're too fat or you're not pretty enough. It's because they don't have the capacity and the bandwidth to receive the relationship in the way that you want one. And the reality is as well, once you heal through the actual wound that this is, it's not about them, but really what's under it, you might not even want these fucking people because you will assess that they don't have what you need in order to have a healthy and secure relationship. But I did. I lost 40 pounds after my breakup. I just got shredded. I lost the weight. I did my hair. I remember when I moved to Venice, I never looked better. I look at photos sometimes, I'm like, God, even that one, right? Me and Clemmie, if you're watching. Oh, my baby, can we just really quickly, is he not the most beautiful thing? But like, that was the, even my friend, Dr. Chris came over and he's like, "God damn abs."

• 33:56Sabrina Zohar?

  I was looking the best and I kept getting guy after guy that just wanted to fuck me, but never actually commit to me. I kept getting people over and over again that just wanted me for that because I perceived if I have that, then they will like me in the same way. And this is so creepy to say, "My father used to use women." And so I believed, but that's how you get him. You got him by being pretty and attractive, but he didn't look at me. So maybe that's how I get men. And that's what I mean by you're seeing a pattern. I need you to become more emotionally available. I need you to start to focus on how much space you're taking. And then I also need you to be okay setting boundaries with these people that you're claiming are like doormats. Because is it that they're a doormat? Or is it that you feel like you don't have to earn their love? Those are two different experiences. Because if you feel like you constantly have to earn it, then of course someone freely giving it to you, you're like, "Ew, I don't want that."

• 34:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Why? Because it goes against your core beliefs? I have an entire chapter about that in the book. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna plug the fucking book. I can. Oh my God, I'm an author. Okay, anyway, sorry. Sometimes it hits me. But it's more about you seeing yourself as a prize. God damn it, let me be the person to remind you, you are fucking amazing. You are worthy. You are deserving. You are special. You are unique. But bitch, if you don't fucking see it, then ain't nobody gonna be able to convince you of that. And I will be here to remind you, someone would be lucky to be chosen by you. So maybe you can start to act like it. Because you have things that people would beg and plead God or the universe to have in their life. And here you are trying to fucking give it to somebody who can't even receive it and doesn't even acknowledge how beautiful that fucking gem is.

• 35:23Sabrina Zohar?

  Stop trying so hard to buffer yourself into something someone else will like and start being the amazing gem that someone will see without you having to fucking earn it. So to me, this is about you trusting yourself enough to walk away from things that don't align with you. Which we'll go into Tool of the Week. I'm gonna make this on the fly. But if Tool of the Week this week is, if you have to convince somebody of your worth, I need you to stop and ask yourself, who does this remind you of? How familiar does this behavior feel? And how old do I feel? I want you to start to get curious. I want you to get the book too. You can really go deeper. But I want you to get real fucking curious about what it is that you're trying to get someone else to give you, that you need to start to give to yourself, baby. And that's what changed it for me. I tried so hard to get everybody else to validate me until I realized that was an inside job

• 36:07Sabrina Zohar?

  and I needed to love myself more than the need to be loved by other people. All right, friends, my product of the week. I am getting really into this because I have been discovering things that make me feel good. I had the best night's sleep of my life last night and I'm feeling so goddamn good. And here's the thing, we need protein. So, not sponsored, just really love it. I've got about 80 of these in my house because I overbought them and I'm gonna be excited, more excited. So it's bone broth protein. What I love about it is it's beef protein isolate, so it digests a lot better. It tastes like a chocolate milkshake. I have tried so many fucking protein powders. At this point, it's actually at nauseam. My doctor recommended this one. I love it. I mix it with my agent de nature because you know my hair is my thing, baby. Let's talk about how good it looks. I mix it with the agent de nature. I mix it with creatine and this every single morning.

• 36:51Sabrina Zohar?

  I prep it at night. I add my milk in the morning and I'm feeling so goddamn good. I don't skip a day. And I'm hoping to continue to give you guys things that actually move the needle. Because I know you're gonna look and be like, "Really, protein?" Yeah, you need to get your supplementation. You have got to take water, air, sunlight, protein. You've got to do the things that you need to do to take care of yourself. Because I know that you guys want all of these crazy tools, but really sometimes it is as simple as getting the right nutrients. And I will only bring you things that I actually use or believe in. I cannot tell you how many brands reach out to us on a daily basis and I will not bring my babes to something that I don't think that you should use. So my friends, thank you for being here for another in the trenches. I love you guys to the fucking moon and back. Thank you for letting me show up as me and you showing up as you.

• 37:36Sabrina Zohar?

  As always, if you need anything, sabrina zohar.com. Send in your questions, your notes. I love the voice notes at sabrina zohar.com/podcast. Don't forget to preorder my book, Why Am I Like This? And then go to my website, sabrina zohar.com/book. There's a lot of sabrina zohar.com backslash, right? So common theme here. Enter your receipt and you get a free course and workbook as a thank you. The course comes out when the book ships. So I know a lot of you guys have emailed being like, "Where's the course?" It is coming out when the book ships, but you get your workbook immediately now. I love you, my friends. Don't forget to rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. Leave a comment. I love this community. You guys are the reason I am here. And I genuinely couldn't be more grateful. I love you, babies, and I'll see you next week.

• 38:25Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.