Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Hosted by Dr. Becky Kennedy
Today on the podcast, Dr. Becky tackles the most popular parenting question she gets asked: Why won't my kids listen to anything I say?
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Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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All right, everyone. I think I have the number one most popular question parents ask me all the time. And here it is. Why don't my kids listen? Every day, they have to put on their shoes before they go to school. This is kind of obvious, and every day, they don't listen. I have told my kids a million times, we don't throw hard baseballs in the living room where there are lamps and TVs, and still, that seems to happen on the regular. Why don't my kids listen? Okay, deep breath. This is exactly what I'm going to answer today, but I promise to do better than just telling you why your kids won't listen, because that would be a little annoying if that was the only thing I heard. I will go further, and I will tell
you what you can do so your kids do listen more often. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.
I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space
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All right, so we're back. We're talking about listening. And I just want to name that if you often have that thought in your head, why doesn't my kid listen? I just want to make sure that you know that every other parent I know also has that question. I just want to break the illusion that there is some family where like the kids listen all the time, or the kids are perfectly, quote, obedient in the mornings when they have to go to school. And I would actually go further in saying, I don't know, maybe that happens. But we'll see over the course of this conversation that listening is a much more dynamic, much more complicated topic than the word listening would indicate. And if a child is actually perfectly obedient all the time, I'm not sure that ladders up to what we'd want
for our kids when they're older, because I just don't know anyone who said, oh, my 30 year old, they are just obedient to anything anyone says to them. They don't think for themselves and just follow along. I've never heard someone brag about that. I mean, I've never heard someone brag either about my 30 year old has never followed a rule in their life. But I think now we're at the nuance. How do I get my kid to listen more often? How do I react in the moments when my kid doesn't listen? Do I get the reason for that? Can I work through it with them? And the nuance, the area between two extremes, is definitely the area I like to be in. And so that's what we're going to aim for today. Here's a question I got from a parent. "I can't get my kid to listen to anything I say.
I have to practically beg them to go outside. And once they're outside, they have a great time. But getting them to get their socks on and their shoes on, my patience is just so low. I feel like all I do is repeat myself. And then I get angry. Then I threaten to take things away. Nothing about this feels good. But I also don't know what else to do." Okay, I hope you're like me and you're just like nodding like, "Yes, girl, like, I feel that. I have done that." Especially what happens in the aftermath. Like, my kid doesn't listen. I repeat it. Then I get angry. And then we threaten to do things that, if you're like me, like, you don't actually do. So you just kind of undermine your own authority.
I think there was a day when my kids are younger that I said something like, "If you don't listen, like, I'm not going to give you dinner for a week." I was like, "Of course I'm going to give them dinner for a week." Why am I saying that? But we feel so desperate. And I think we also feel so invisible that we need to escalate things. But again, none of this is part of a productive cycle. So let's do what we always do here. Okay, and I say "always do here" because I really mean this as a principle of good insight. We can't intervene unless we understand. Said another way, in terms of order of operations, we have to understand before we intervene. And when we say my kid doesn't listen, I'm going to be honest and direct. We don't understand the problem. I'm just going to say that to you. It is not an accurate representation of the problem.
And here's why I know that's true. Let's say I was sitting on the couch, I don't know, like eating ice cream at night, finally happy to be by myself, and you saw my husband. And he said, Becky, get your shoes on, we have to go. And I said, what are you talking about? I'm in my pajamas, I'm eating ice cream. He's like, oh, you know, we have to go. Maybe I did know, I forgot, who knows? We have to leave right now. If you don't get your shoes on right now, I'm not gonna let you have ice cream tomorrow. And then let's say I don't. And he looks at you, and you're witnessing this, and my husband says to you, Becky has a listening problem. I feel like if you were drinking something, you'd spit it out. You'd be like, what? You really don't seem so respectful.
I don't know if she has a listening problem, or you, my friend, have a relationship problem. And I think we kind of do a version of that to our kid all the time. Am I saying I as a spouse and the same as my kid? I'm not saying that. But what I am saying is that human relationships, whether you're talking about husband to wife, boss to someone at work, parent to child, they operate on the exact same principles. Do I feel seen and respected by the other person? If I don't, I will refuse their requests. If I do, I will want to cooperate with them because I feel close to them,
because I like them, because they've kind of connected to me. They've seen what I'm doing in my world. That's kind of a bridge from their world to my world. Now I'm willing to walk over that bridge back and visit their world. So when we say my kid doesn't listen, I think what we're really saying is, my kid doesn't do the thing I want them to do. Or when I ask my kid to do something I want them to do and they don't want to do, my kid doesn't cooperate. This reframe is massive. And this is a bigger point, but it has never been more relevant than it is with the topic of listening. If you're in a stage where you're feeling stuck with your kid,
the answer isn't to try a new intervention. The answer is to change your mindset about the problem.
Because the only reason we're stuck is because we're thinking about the problem kind of in a way, or almost like you can picture like I'm in a bucket of how I understand the problem where I'm never going to get out. So the more I try to get out of a bucket that's not possible to get out of, you can imagine how frustrating and exhausting that is. If instead someone say, whoa, whoa, whoa, here's a ladder. Get out of that bucket. I'm going to bring you to a different bucket that's useful, that's productive, that feels better, that leads to change. Wow, the first intervention isn't trying something new in a bucket that doesn't work. The first intervention is saying to myself, how can I change my mindset? How can I get into a new bucket? How can I put on a new set of glasses? So the thing I'm seeing in front of me is like a shade or two different
from how I was seeing it for all the months and years before. That is the single most powerful intervention. I honestly think when I talk to parents, they always tell me the scripts and the strategies and all the very specific things are helpful. I think we can point to that, but I actually know it's not true. The thing I do more than anything else that has impact on a family is I change the glasses they're wearing to see the problem in front of them. It's actually why parents feel relief immediately before they've even seen their kid. You know, the other day, someone said they were taking one of our workshops in our app and they say, it's amazing, I immediately feel better. They hadn't even seen their kid yet. What do you mean they felt better? Yes, because they understood the problem, because they had a new framework. Now they felt hope. Now they had interventions they knew in their heart and their head would work.
This is so true with listening. Let's go back to when I'm sitting on the couch. Let's say my husband says to me, oh, you're eating ice cream and you're in your PJs. I have a feeling that you don't know we're supposed to leave the house to go to this meeting or whatever it was. Oh, that's tricky. Okay, in order to be on time, we do have to leave in five minutes. You know what I would have done? I'd have been like, oh, my goodness, this is so awkward. Let me shove down that ice cream and hopefully not get, you know, that headache that happens when you eat ice cream too fast and let me go change. And sure, let's do this. Why? Because I felt seen, because I felt connected to.
This is really the core of what we need to change with our kid. If you feel like you're stuck in a quote, not listening stage, I would actually reframe that, probably not a cooperation stage. My first bet is to double down on connection. I love images, and so I'm gonna really, really emphasize this one. I want you to picture you and your kid on different planets. And honestly, we are in different planets with our kids. Our kids want to play, they want to stay where they are, they want to move slowly. We want things to get done, and we want them to get to school, and we want them to clean up their room. They literally don't care, and it's okay that they don't care. But we are on different planets. And if you picture two different planets, how would we get a kid to come to our planet and participate in the things we care about?
Cleaning, leaving? Well, there has to be a connection. There is no way a young child on their own is going to build a bridge to our planet. It's not possible. We have to build the bridge there and walk over together. Or you know I love a pilot metaphor, so I can't help myself. We have to fly the plane to their planet, land it, kind of notice what they're doing, and then our kid is going to be much more willing to get on the plane with us and come to our planet for a little bit. Now, how do we do that? We can make it really simple. Simply noticing what your kid is doing before you make a request is game changing.
Right? What would that mean? Oh, you're building those blocks. Tell me about that tower. My kid says something, oh, love it. It's time for bath. I promise you that versus what I've tried many, many times. Hey, it's time for bath, come on, come on. I'm in the other room. If you don't get to the bath by the time I count to five, and then again, I make something up. I don't know, you're not watching TV tonight. And then they don't, and then we yell, and then it's TV time, and I'm like, oh, did I say no TV tonight? I think I meant just one TV show tonight. And I just undermine my authority, and it feels awful. Connect first. In fact, whenever you're talking with your kid, that is always a good first strategy.
I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list
it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.
Okay, the next situation. My child is always running away from me in the parking lot. We have talked so many times about needing to stay next to me, about how parking lots are dangerous, but they keep running away. They just won't listen. What do I do? Again, I want to double down on what I said before. When we feel stuck with a kid, the answer isn't to think about what to do. It's to think about how we can see the situation differently. And so in this situation, which reminds me so much of a different situation that has the same cause with my own son, where he would press every elevator button in our New York
City elevator, even if I told him not to. I think we have to ask ourselves, what is my role when I watch my kid, who is unable to do the thing I'm asking them to do?
And I think we then tell ourselves, what do you mean? Of course, they're able to not press the elevator buttons. They're able to just stand next to me in the parking lot. But their behavior is telling us otherwise. Their behavior is telling us for some reason, and it's not because you have a bad kid. It's because you have a kid who, I don't know, isn't so people pleasing, is trying things out, all things that we can work with and end up being really great for kids later in life. They're not staying next to you. The reason you know they're not able to do it is because you've been saying they keep not doing it. The reason I know one of my kids was unable to not press all the elevator buttons is because, I don't know, five times in a row, he did press all the elevator buttons. It's just, the evidence is right there. So what's my role? The path we go down that leads us to think our kid doesn't listen and also leads us to become so frustrated with our kids is we just tell them again. And we use logic.
That's dangerous. Or I would say to my son, it's really not respectful, you know, to do that. As if my, you know, at the time, four-year-old was like deeply concerned about respect for other people in our building. It doesn't work. Do you know what worked with my son?
One time I got in the elevator and I just put my body between him and the buttons. Did he read the signal? He did not. He lunged for the buttons and I simply was ready for it. I was like, ready with my body and I kind of had my hand out. I stopped it from happening and I just said, I'm not going to let you press those buttons. There's no lecture, there's no logic, there's not a matter of respect. It's just a boundary. It's my job to set a boundary for my kid if I'm watching my kid unable to set the boundary for themselves. This isn't permissive. This doesn't mean you're going to have to do it forever. In fact, you setting the boundary next to your kid's urge is the thing that leads them to be able to set their own boundary next to their own urges. So let's apply this to the parking lot.
You come outside and you're going to say, hey, when we go outside, I'm going to pick you up and carry you to the car. When we go outside, I'm going to strap you into the stroller. I know we haven't done that in a while, but my number one job is to keep you safe. And right now, it's really hard to stay close to me. And sweetie, you're a good kid. It's just hard to do. You're going to learn it. And until you do, I'm going to prioritize your safety. I'm just not going to let you run away.
Now, we're not in a situation where our kid, quote, "doesn't listen." Now, we're preventing our kid from doing something dangerous. And by the way, we're also preventing ourselves from getting frustrated and not liking our kid, which is such an important thing to protect yourself around. Now, the one thing I want to add here is when I said that to my son, "I'm not going to let you press the elevator buttons," I just want to be very clear. He did not look at me with loving eyes and say, "Oh, what a great decision. You're such a sturdy leader. So lucky to have you." No. When you hold your kid on the way to the parking lot, honestly, I would tell you, that day at the grocery store, I, I hope you get like a bag of Doritos and that's it. Because you're going to need something light in one hand to hold your child, who is trying to get away from you. They actually, though, have to really feel your sturdiness. It's not your criticism.
It's not your punishment. It's not your threat. It's the sturdiness of, "Oh, my goodness. My parent will keep me safe even if I'm protesting. My parent loves me so much that they're willing to keep me safe, even when I'm not making great decisions." That is such a trust-building, a love-building moment. They won't say it. They won't write you a note after. But I promise you, that's exactly what your kid needs to start to kind of, quote, "listen" more often. All right, we've covered a lot about listening. I think the main thing I hope you walk away with is if I'm telling myself over and over, "Oh, my kid doesn't listen.
Oh, I'm so frustrated. My kid never does the thing I want them to do," that you can kind of recognize, "Oh, I'm in the bucket of my kid doesn't listen." And you know you're in an unhelpful mindset and unhelpful bucket when you're frustrated with your kid and you kind of don't like them in the moment. Step one is putting on a new set of glasses, even saying, "What is another way to think about this that makes me like my kid more? That makes me feel like I'm more on the same team? That sets me up for me to do something different as a parent, because that's the place I can empower myself, as opposed to expecting my child to all of a sudden engage in different behavior." That is the most important thing. I think the second thing we started to talk about,
and I have so much more to say about because it's kind of my love language, is the role boundaries play in listening. So often, when we say my kid isn't listening, I think we can reframe that as I'm not setting the boundaries early and often enough. And that's actually what my kid needs so they listen, and so I'm less frustrated. And when you feel like you're just kind of out of gas, when you feel like I really don't know what to do, just remember, connection always helps. Connection doesn't mean you're being permissive. We confuse these two. Connecting to your kid, noticing what they're doing, even saying things like, "Oh, it's really hard to cooperate right now." You're just
connecting to their experience. That is always going to kind of diffuse the moment and is probably going to help get you back on track.
Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com/podcast or you could write me at [email protected]. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world, and you deserve resources and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership. It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents. It's game-changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have.
One last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.
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