"Everyone Wants a Village, But No One Wants to Be a Villager"

You've probably heard the phrase "Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager" recently, and we are discussing! We dive into the dynamics of friendship, why people aren't showing up for their friends as much, when boundaries and "protecting your peace" hinder community building, managing conflict with friends, engaging with friends on social media, and tips for being a better villager. We also discuss the sentiment of "you don't have to go to weddings anymore" AND we also put together a matrix to determine the events you do and don't have to attend. Before we get into the topic, Rayna got a jump scare at the nail salon and Ashley had a traumatizing experience in a public restroom. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for more. Thank you to our partners this week: Rocket Money: Reach your financial goals faster at https://rocketmoney.com/gge. Liquid IV: Get 20% off your first order at https://liquidiv.com with code GGE. Wildgrain: Get $30 off your first box plus free croissants for life at https://wildgrain.com/gge or use promo code GGE. Helix: Get 20% off at https://helixsleep.com/gge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Rayna Greenberg?

  This is one of the most pervasive issues we've seen where people are just like, I don't have anybody around me. I want more of that. How do I get that? But people's avenues towards that and attitudes towards it have changed so much.

• 0:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  This podcast is a Dear Media production.

• 0:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Hi, guys.

• 0:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hi, guys.

• 0:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

• 0:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Welcome back. Steelers win last night.

• 0:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Huge win.

• 0:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, it was like a week ago at this point, but that was something else.

• 0:39Rayna Greenberg?

  If you're listening today, the first game of the playoffs is tonight.

• 0:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  So I gotta get out. This is great that I'm wearing this.

• 0:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, this is perfect.

• 0:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  This is great.

• 0:47Rayna Greenberg?

  And since we're talking about yellow, yes, my nails are still gold. Okay, so we're recording this on January 5th, the day everyone returned back to the world. Actually, I like, we had, this was the longest amount of Rottweils, two Rottweils. I mean, Rottweils started December 22nd and has gone till today. You and I went and saw a movie two days ago. We went to the theater. I like realized I don't know how to like form sentences with people anymore. Like I've been out off the grid for so long.

• 1:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Where was the movie correlation?

• 1:16Rayna Greenberg?

  We walked, because I was trying to like form sentence. We walked in.

• 1:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's when you noticed it?

• 1:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, Brittany and I walked in before you and Shashank, and you had sent me the tickets. And so I was trying to explain to the ticket taker, like, I have, if you scan it now, I have two more people coming in. And like, I think the words that came out of my mouth were like, there's more to this.

• 1:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's insane.

• 1:33Rayna Greenberg?

  She scanned my ticket and I said, there's more to this.

• 1:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  They didn't even scan our ticket.

• 1:38Rayna Greenberg?

  I know.

• 1:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Guys, life hack, or guys, what is it?

• 1:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Exactly.

• 1:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Money hack? Anyway, 2:00 PM, they aren't checking tickets at the Marina Del Rey dine-in, six, whatever. Those tickets are on sale. They were like 15 or 20% off, and then no one was checking.

• 1:56Rayna Greenberg?

  And then I like ordered food from the kiosk, and I guess you're supposed to get a receipt, take it over to the popcorn person. And she's like, did you get a receipt? And I was like, no. And she goes, I need a receipt. I was like, I don't have a receipt. And she was like, okay. And then she just gave me the popcorn.

• 2:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, you're trying to take the attention away from my nails and I respect that, but the thing is-

• 2:12Rayna Greenberg?

  They are the color of popcorn.

• 2:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  I've had them for a month as we record, which is a month too long. If you guys have been keeping up, it felt like decades, I'm sure. I mean, I feel like we've been talking about this for so long-

• 2:24Rayna Greenberg?

  People are like, just get your polish changed.

• 2:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  And she's coming this Wednesday.

• 2:26Rayna Greenberg?

  What color are you gonna do?

• 2:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Bear, bear.

• 2:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Bear?

• 2:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I'm over correcting-

• 2:30Rayna Greenberg?

  Bear.

• 2:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I'm doing like bear, like naked nails.

• 2:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Naked nails? Not like a pink sheet?

• 2:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's, it's light berry pale pink. They, they still look natural. I want a natural look. I'm so over this. She was out of town last week and I was like, it's okay, Julieta, you know, take your time off. It's fine. I'll just be over here wanting to cut my hands off, but it's fine. You know, you take your little trip and I will see you on the 7th.

• 2:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, so I was getting a pedicure. I, I left you after the movie. I went out of pedicure. It was like pouring down rain. So it was nothing else to do on a Saturday night, which we will talk about, not going out today, rotting at home. But I got a pedicure and there was this guy in the chair next to me and he was like really hot, maybe like 42, 43, like really masculine looking.

• 3:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Not stiffer?

• 3:11Rayna Greenberg?

  Not stiffer, unfortunately. Um, but equally as hot. And he was getting a pedicure, which I think is cool when guys do that. I think it's nice if you want to have like nice toenails and like you want to get that dead skin out of there, whatever. And we're kind of making eyes and giggling and I was like making a whole, getting a lot of attention. And I looked down at what he had done to his feet, Ashley.

• 3:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh my god, not a picture.

• 3:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, this is the most masculine man, by the way. I looked down. I did not expect to see a powder blue pedicure.

• 3:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's like giving, it's like lavender, which would be the type of marriage you would be in if you were with that guy, but lavender nails.

• 3:50Rayna Greenberg?

  Look at those toenails. They're like hooves. They're huge. I mean, it is not subtle.

• 3:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  The cotton between the toes, like the separators between the toes is an ick I didn't know I had, Raina. I cannot-

• 4:02Rayna Greenberg?

  I had to like really sneak this photo.

• 4:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Whatever you want to do. You want to paint your nails? I feel like I'm about to do a bit for my special. You want to paint your nails? That's fine. You want to express yourself that way. But I don't think I want a guy with painted toenails.

• 4:13Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't want it. Listen, I, listen, I'm all for like, do whatever you want, the live and let live, you know, I, it's not for me. It's not, well, I wouldn't pick it off the menu.

• 4:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it's not that I see painted nails. I'm like, gay, not masculine. Those are not the, the- Thoughts that cross my mind, but I will say a man with the cotton between his toes.

• 4:34Rayna Greenberg?

  To get a purple pedicure.

• 4:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, not a real, not a real man.

• 4:37Rayna Greenberg?

  To get your little lilac toes painted.

• 4:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  To get a lavender pedi.

• 4:40Rayna Greenberg?

  Listen, I'm allowed to like different things in fashion and I do not like that. It was, I, I've never lost my boner for a person.

• 4:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  I've seen painted toenails on guys. That's a first.

• 4:51Rayna Greenberg?

  I was so, I was trying so hard to get you a photo. So all, all 10 of my fingers are wrapped in the foil. And he's looking right at me and I'm trying to take photos of his feet, like without him noticing. Cause I had the phone face to the right and he was to my left. I had to like turn the whole phone with my, my silver fingers.

• 5:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  I did this for you. The thought of you getting caught sends a chill down my spine. Like if you would have been like, are you taking pictures of my feet?

• 5:14Rayna Greenberg?

  Honestly, you deserve it.

• 5:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 5:16Rayna Greenberg?

  I would say for making some weird decisions.

• 5:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Look him down the face. Yes. Of course I am.

• 5:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Of course. And everyone else in the salon is too.

• 5:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  And you're asking for it.

• 5:25Rayna Greenberg?

  Do this in private.

• 5:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, let's thank our partners.

• 5:28Rayna Greenberg?

  All right. Thanks to Rocket Money. Reach your financial goals faster at rocketmoney.com/gge. And Liquid IV, get 20% off your first order at liquidiv.com with code GGE.

• 5:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  And thank you to Wild Grain. Get $30 off your first box plus free croissants for life at wildgrain.com/gge or use promo code GGE. And Helix, get 20% off at helixsleep.com/gge. Okay, well.

• 5:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Talk about friendship today.

• 5:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  We're talking about friendship today and I had a friendship moment I wanted to share. You know the story. I couldn't keep it from you, but I'll share it with the audience.

• 6:03Rayna Greenberg?

  The way you told me though, I did not.

• 6:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know.

• 6:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Cause I had been out with you guys earlier in the night.

• 6:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 6:08Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. You tell your story.

• 6:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, yes, it, you were feeling like it was about to take a dark turn, but.

• 6:12Rayna Greenberg?

  Really dark turn.

• 6:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  This was in New York. This was prior to Christmas and we had had kind of a, a busy night. We did this Christmas show called Santa's Secret with a bunch of girls. And then you left because you had a show, but we went to dinner. We went to like a nine, 10 p.m. Dinner at the Mandarin randomly because we were in the mall in Columbus Circle. And then Megan, our friend Megan and I were like, she was like Built, which we love Built. We talk about Built and I'll, I'll name drop them. Built is having a party way downtown, like Seaport. If we were at the top of New York, you were like, you went from the top to the bottom. And she was like, should we go? And I'm like, let's just go.

• 6:51Rayna Greenberg?

  We're dressed, we're out of the house.

• 6:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, we're dressed, we're out of the house. Like, I'm trying to do the most when I'm in New York. So we headed all the way down there and the party was so much fun. We met the founder and all these people and just having a blast. And, you know, we had probably more drinks than I typically do up to that point. And I had another glass of wine. I wasn't drunk, but I was like drinking maybe more than I would on an average night. And we'd probably been there for an hour and I was talking to this guy who we love, who is actually this connect who got us the table in Vegas. And he's this like great connection that she has and I met him and he was wonderful. And as I'm talking to him, I just felt like I was gonna faint and I was like, I'm gonna pass out or throw up or both. And I don't know what's going on. And I will say this was not an unfamiliar feeling to me, but when this happens to me, and I'll explain.

• 7:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's usually in the morning. I haven't eaten. Like, this has never happened to me, like, out at night.

• 7:40Rayna Greenberg?

  You're not like me, you don't have blood pressure issues.

• 7:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, well, I have low blood pressure and I will like feel faint and the color will drain from my face. And it happens probably like once a year. When I lived in New York, it happened usually in the mornings, never though at night. So I was like, something, something bad's happening. And it's like nausea, but more than that. And I can feel the color like draining out of my face. And I'm just talking to this stranger. And I was like, I just have to leave the situation. And I, Megan was right there. I grabbed her arm. I was like, I have to go to, we have to go to the bathroom. I have to get out of here. And as I'm walking with her, I'm like, I don't know, like something bad is happening. Like, I don't know what's going on. I think I got roofied. And that's the only thing I could come to because I'd had drinks. Someone handed me a glass of wine from the bar, but like, we're with her friends. I'm like, these guys roofied me. We have to cancel.

• 8:24Rayna Greenberg?

  You're so tall to roofie.

• 8:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  We have to cancel Bill as a partner now. Roofing at the bill bar? No, I didn't. So I'm like, I don't know what's happening. And she's just takes like control of the situation. It's so her. She's like, where's the bathroom? She's like barking at people. Like, we couldn't find the bathroom. We're running around. And I was like, I'm about to fall over. And so we bust into this bathroom, big public bathroom in this event space, like 12 stalls. There was like girls in there. And like, I just make my way to the back of the bathroom. There was like a place to lay down on the bathroom floor. And I just like laid down on the bathroom floor, on the public bathroom floor. And like a couple of girls came over and they were like, hey, girl, are you okay? You know, and what I hate is people thinking that I'm like a drunk girl passing out when it's so not it. Like when I puked at Drake, I was like, and the girl in the next stall over was like, girl, are you okay?

• 9:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I'm like, I'm not drunk. Like, I'm not. So I just had to like

• 9:14Rayna Greenberg?

  Which sounds like a drunk thing to say.

• 9:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  100% between you and Kate.

• 9:18Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm not drunk.

• 9:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm not drunk.

• 9:20Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm not drunk.

• 9:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm not drunk at Drake.

• 9:22Rayna Greenberg?

  You're drunk.

• 9:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  And Megan was like, she's fine. And so literally she's sitting with me on the bathroom floor, like holding my hand. I'm just, I'm laying there just on, I felt like the cold tile, like I just needed that. And everyone left, so it was just us alone in the bathroom. And she is like, what is going on? And I was like, I'm starting to feel better. And, you know, like I said, this has happened to me before. It happens usually in the morning. And I did start to feel better as soon as I laid down and I started to kind of sit back up. And I was like, okay, I'm not nauseous anymore. And like, the color is coming back in my face. Cause she was like, your face was completely white. And so we're sitting there and I'm like, I think I just need a couple more minutes. I do want to go home, but I'm fine to like, leave the party. I don't have to go to the hospital or anything. So we're sitting there and I see someone come into the restroom. It appears to be a man, I will say.

• 10:07Rayna Greenberg?

  You voice noted me this in the morning and I was like terrified of what happened. You're passed out on the floor. You think you've gotten roofied and a man enters the room? I was like, how is she so nonchalant about this?

• 10:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  So the way we, where we were, I could see someone come in. I heard them come in and I look, and I mean, I guess you can never be too sure, but it was a very, it was a man, someone presenting as a man. And I go, oh, is this a unisex bathroom? And I said out loud to Megan, I was like, absolutely not. Cause we passed the men's bathroom on the way to get to the women's bathroom. And I almost went in there because of the situation we were in. She was like, it's absolutely women's bathroom. So we're like whispering, this man goes into the stall, we're sitting there and within seconds, the most explosive diarrhea in a quiet, I'm, I'm just coming to, we're sitting there on the bathroom floor, two girlies. This man has invaded the bathroom and blown it up, raining, like to hear it,

• 11:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  we were covering our mouth. Like, we were wanting to throw up and laugh simultaneously.

• 11:04Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you think he heard you?

• 11:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Giggling?

• 11:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 11:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Dry heaving?

• 11:08Rayna Greenberg?

  Giggling.

• 11:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't even know.

• 11:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, in that situation, I would pray that you were nowhere near me because if I'm solo, I can kind of laugh internally. If I'm with another person, I would be choking back tears.

• 11:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, we were like, this, there's no way this is happening. There's no way that I just had to like, leave a party to come lay on this bathroom floor and now this. And so I think I needed a few more moments, but I just sucked it up and stood up. I was like, we have to get out of here. And we were like, this has solidified our friendship. Like, we've been friends, but I was like, this is that moment where you're like, oh, we are close now.

• 11:45Rayna Greenberg?

  You obeyed the rules of society. You cannot make eye contact with a person after they do that. I mean, that person is praying to God that they do not make eye contact with a person after that.

• 11:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, we ran out there. Like, we could not stop giggling. Like, how did this happen?

• 12:00Rayna Greenberg?

  I could not be around a friend of mine. I would lose my mind. There's nothing funnier than that. And this story took the most unexpected turn because I thought you were gonna tell me you went to the hospital and you got roofied, and then maybe also you got attacked. And it was just explosive diarrhea.

• 12:14Rayna Greenberg?

  You're so lucky.

• 12:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  That was like, I just think it's funny to think about defining friendship moments. Like, I don't think, Megan and I will always cite that in the history of our friendship.

• 12:23Rayna Greenberg?

  It's the worst moments in a friendship. It is, I'm sitting on a cold tile floor in a bathroom.

• 12:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  But it's the best, like, I don't know. I, I know she's like a real friend, but not that any friend would have abandoned you, but there's just something of like, a friend that's like, gonna grab you, bring you to the bathroom, lay you down, leave with you, even though the party was really fun. Like, we were both like, we gotta go. It was time to go. The party's not over, but it's time for us to leave. And we got in the car together. And she just checked in on me a bunch of times, and the first thing the next morning. And she actually is the one that was like, do you have low blood pressure? And I was like, oh, yeah. She was like, that's what this is. She was like, my dad has low blood pressure. All three of our births, her and her sisters, he, he was in the hospital bed next to them. He had to like, lay down. Like, he passed out every time.

• 13:05Rayna Greenberg?

  We're gonna talk about like, everybody wants like, a village, but she is like, a single girl, and definitely my friend, more than most people, that like, remembers milestones, always checks in. If you don't feel good, like, how are you feeling? What's going on?

• 13:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  She makes me wanna be a better friend, because she is that person that checks in and checks in on the milestones. And when she knows people have important things going on, and if she was here right now, I'd ask her, like, do you just remember all of that? Or do you make notes about it? Because she has a big time job. You know, she has a lot going on. She has a lot of responsibility. She's really successful. She has a million friends. So it's sometimes like, she's not just sitting at home thinking about what her friends have going on. She's got a busy life. And I think my sister-in-law is someone who always remembers those things. And I think it's innate for some people and for other people, I think you can put a calendar reminder in. Like, I had a friend recently that had a loss in her family and I talked to her about it and then I checked in on her, but like, I wish I would have

• 14:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  checked in on her a few days prior. Like, I just had my own shit going on, you know? Like, we all do. It wasn't like you losing a parent that would have been on my mind all day, every day. It was not that type of situation, but it was something that was really hard for her. And I just like said to myself, I was like, in the future, you don't think you want to have to be this person, but sometimes you do. Put in your calendar, check in on so and so. Or like, Rayna's tour starts, or Ashley's this, or, you know, like, I don't know. I don't know if that's how Megan's operating, or how Stephanie operates, but like, it's okay to not be someone that has all of your friends and family members on your mind all day, every day.

• 14:37Rayna Greenberg?

  I do wonder how people are like that.

• 14:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  I do too.

• 14:39Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, your sister-in-law is my first text message when we have any milestones in our lives. I mean, she just, a mother of two, a wife, a mother of two little babies. She's just like, the first person to be like, congrats.

• 14:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know.

• 14:51Rayna Greenberg?

  I hope everything goes well. Like, it's not that it's not in me, I guess, I just get busy, I forget stuff. And sometimes I support people the way that I want to be supported. So like, in a tragedy, like, I don't want to bother people sometimes.

• 15:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 15:03Rayna Greenberg?

  But like, we had a friend who lost a parent, a stepparent recently, and I gave it like, two days, because I like, didn't want her to be like, inundated, but I was like, I don't, I don't want to bother you, and also, don't, you don't have to follow up.

• 15:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 15:14Rayna Greenberg?

  You don't have to respond to this.

• 15:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I think about that, obviously, we know, losing parents and stepparents and whatever, is different than a, than a pet. But of course, when I lost Dewey, it just, I wasn't bothered. I got texts all day, every day, and I know people didn't expect me to respond. And so, it just meant the world. And like, again, like, the friend that I checked in on her, I checked in on her on Friday, but I just like, I don't know, you know, I'll beat myself up about anything. I just wish I would have checked in on her on Wednesday. You know, I wish I just would have thought about it sooner. And it's just like, what's the harm? And make it a note for yourself.

• 15:45Rayna Greenberg?

  I actually do not keep a log of like, who checked in with me when.

• 15:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  No.

• 15:49Rayna Greenberg?

  I only log it when people do not check in at all. So like, ask me who didn't check in with us for the LA fires last year. I know every single person who I did not hear from.

• 15:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  The one.

• 16:00Rayna Greenberg?

  The one.

• 16:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  No.

• 16:01Rayna Greenberg?

  And I decided to sleep with them this year.

• 16:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Rayna!

• 16:03Rayna Greenberg?

  It was an accident!

• 16:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  RainaGreenberg.com

• 16:08Rayna Greenberg?

  I got a solid 10 minutes on him in the hour.

• 16:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  You're so right, and we'll talk about this today. Friendships are not tit for tat, and they shouldn't be, but big things, when everyone is rallying around you and everyone has remembered something, except for a few people you do notice. And what I did yesterday is put in all my friends' birthdays in my Google Calendar, like, repeating annually. And there are some birthdays that are ingrained in your brain forever, people you grew up with in college friends, and friends post-college, I have a really hard time, and I'm not on Facebook anymore.

• 16:44Rayna Greenberg?

  Friends that post-date the iPhone. I don't have your birthday or your cellphone numbers.

• 16:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Facebook, that's how we used to know. And so I was like, I don't want to be this friend this year. I think that's all kind of ties into what we're talking about today. I was like, I want to be, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to miss birthdays anymore.

• 16:59Rayna Greenberg?

  See, I don't want to remember birthdays, because you remind me. It's like, it's funny, you think you forget birthdays. You have no idea. You remind me of your whole family's birthday. You tell me it's your Sean's birthday. I mean, pretty much all of our friends, like, every other day, you're telling me when it's somebody's birthday.

• 17:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's because I've probably forgot.

• 17:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, you know what's so embarrassing? It's because you've forgotten, and then they both get, they get this text from both of us at the same time, and they're like, oh, they both forgot. They just both remembered.

• 17:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Obviously, I don't forget my family's birthday. And like, but yeah, like, a friend recently, I realized I forgot her birthday, and so I texted Raina to be like, but I meant to say, like, give it 30 minutes.

• 17:36Rayna Greenberg?

  I do try to kind of wait, and for like, an hour, but then I'm like, Ashley got in there so much earlier than I did. It was Alyssa's birthday. I also forgot about that.

• 17:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  January is tough. January birthdays are tough. But also,

• 17:47Rayna Greenberg?

  I feel bad for those people.

• 17:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  I am not offended if people forget mine. And nobody forgets my birthday that's on Instagram, because I've posted it. You know, like, I'm gonna let you know. But it's just like, I understand, and I think that's like, part of being, it's like, be the friend you want to be. It's just like, you have to give people grace when you be doing the same stuff.

• 18:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Birthdays are the thing I just don't care.

• 18:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 18:08Rayna Greenberg?

  If you forgot it, I don't expect you to remember my special day out of 365 days. I don't expect anybody to remember that. I do, I post on Instagram so people remember.

• 18:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 18:18Rayna Greenberg?

  But otherwise, I don't care if people remember it. That's a crazy thing to remember. I don't remember people's birthdays.

• 18:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  My college friends, I have them all ingrained in my brain because of when we all turned 21. Like, I just know all their birthdays and all of us, seven of us, are between April and July, which is like, kind of cool also. March and July, sorry. But I forgot someone's last year because we always wish happy birthday in the group chat.

• 18:38Rayna Greenberg?

  I know, like, give me, help me.

• 18:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  What, who went outside the group chat?

• 18:42Rayna Greenberg?

  No, I hate people to do this. Help me remember this.

• 18:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  It was just like every, we all, I was like, keep it in the chat. Come on, ladies.

• 18:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Side texting about birthdays, no.

• 18:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  I thought we all kept the Clemson girls in the chat of all seven of us so no one forgets a birthday.

• 18:57Rayna Greenberg?

  No, I need somebody to remind me. I need people to do Instagram stories about it a lot if they're not going to remind me in a group text or if you're not going to remind me. I have you, I don't have to do it.

• 19:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, we'll figure it out.

• 19:05Rayna Greenberg?

  You have said to me a bunch of times recently to be the friend that I want to have. You have a couple of times. Not like lecturing me, but like, we were gonna not go to something and you were like, "I was thinking about how I would want to be treated and I would want somebody to take this seriously." And I was like, "You'd be right."

• 19:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, it was not, it was not a lecture, but it was kind of a like, "Oh, hear me out."

• 19:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, I wasn't gonna go to something and I'd have every right to not go. But you were just like, "It's not how I would want to be treated. I want to be the friend that I want to have." And I was like, "She's making me be a better person."

• 19:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  I just think that's the theme of the whole episode today is treat people how you want to be treated. Just hot take, like, we learned it in kindergarten, to have a friend, you have to be a friend.

• 19:47Rayna Greenberg?

  All right, we'll just thank our partners and then we'll get right into the topic.

• 19:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  You guys, I am so excited to talk about Wild Grain. I have been, in the words of Rayna Greenberg, foaming at the mouth to talk about this. So I'm just gonna go rogue really quick and tell you that in the last week in my household, we have had the Wild Grain sourdough. The regular croissants, the chocolate chip cookies and the linguine. Like it is, and it's all so delicious. So I'll look at the talking points in a minute, but I just have to tell you guys like just order this for yourself or it makes an amazing gift and everything comes frozen and then goes right into the oven or the boiling water if you're doing their pastas. But these breads are incredible.

• 20:27Rayna Greenberg?

  I know, they're amazing.

• 20:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  So Shashank, who is my husband, if you're new here, he was like, what is this bread? These cookies? He's not even like a sweets guy. And then the pasta last night, but it's just so incredible. Everything they do, such high quality. It is the first bake from frozen subscription box for sourdough breads. Our tisnen pastries and fresh pastas. Everything bakes conveniently in 25 minutes or less. They use simple ingredients, a slow fermentation process that can be easier on your belly and richer nutrients. So every time I eat anything from Wild Grain, I feel great. You know, you're not feeling like, oh, that wasn't good for my body. All the boxes are fully customizable. In addition to the variety box, they have a gluten free box, a vegan box and a new protein box, which we love that too. This is just great. It's perfect for your easy dinners, your weekend brunches.

• 21:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, those croissants, they are like second to none. I drove by this place in Santa Monica and I was going to stop in there, get some pastries. There was a line down the block. I was like, I have these at home. I don't need to go there.

• 21:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Out of the freezer.

• 21:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  So we really can't stress enough how great this is. And again, we just love having stuff in your home that you can make and we love everything about it. So get it for yourself or for someone else. There's nothing like having an artisan bakery in your freezer to chase away the winter chill. Now is the best time to stay in and enjoy comforting homemade meals with Wild Grain. We highly recommend giving Wild Grain a try. Right now, Wild Grain is offering our listeners $30 off your first box plus free croissants for life when you go to wildgrain.com/gge to start your subscription today. That's $30 off your first box and free croissants for life when you visit wildgrain.com/gge or you can use promo code GGE at checkout.

• 22:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, it's a new year and so many of our listeners had said that their resolutions were to like get their finances in order and to figure out like what they can spend, how much they're spending. So we're going to give you the perfect, easiest tool you could possibly use to do that. Rocket Money. It is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. So the interface on this app is super simple to use. You'll go in and it'll consolidate your checking, savings, loans, investments into this single dashboard. So you can have a really clear financial picture. They make it super easy to know what subscriptions you have and they'll help you cancel those subscriptions in the app with a few taps. I mean, to just so simply sign up, connect a couple of accounts and see every single thing in your financial accounts and

• 22:44Rayna Greenberg?

  like what's going on. It's just, it's the easiest thing you can do to get a handle on your finances. I love it. It couldn't be simpler. And then you can set budgets and goals. There's personal insights and regular reports and you can receive real time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, things like that. I mean, it is fantastic. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/gge. That's rocketmoney.com/gge. Rocketmoney.com/gge.

• 23:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so our topic today, we mentioned it was about friendship and it's really about this discourse you've seen probably a lot wherever you get your information. TikTok is basically, those are the books I read.

• 23:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Plenty of articles about everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.

• 23:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  And just the concept of people want friends and support and a community, but don't want to give that back, don't want to show up for people. They want to protect their peace and stay home and I don't know anybody, anything. And how that mindset is counterproductive to community.

• 23:52Rayna Greenberg?

  This concept has gone so viral recently. It seems to me like think pieces and yes, TikToks about it. And there's so much that plays into it about like boundaries and what you think you're owed and being inconvenienced and not wanting to inconvenience yourself and how much people are even socializing today in general and how easy access to social media type of relationships are. But like, we have this fantasy of like real friendship and I think a lot of times we're getting further away from doing the things that you need to have. Real conversations, lowering those boundaries a little bit, having like real honest conflict with people, showing up. Like, I was just showing up with Melanie the other night. I was like saying on a Saturday night, I was like, I'm not going out. I love it. I'm at home. And she was like, can you imagine in our twenties, like admitting to somebody that you weren't going out?

• 24:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  On a Saturday night.

• 24:36Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, I would have made up some grandiose lie about like why I was staying home. I just, I think it's become really in vogue to like rot, stay at home, not go out. People are obviously drinking less, they're having sex less and. I think that, you know, for everything, there's good and bad, right? I think it's great that people are drinking less. I think it's great that people are prioritizing their mental health and staying home and not needing to party and spend all this money. And, you know, that self-care is so prioritized today. I think all that stuff is great, but there has been such a rise in that. And like, I just used to socialize more.

• 25:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 25:07Rayna Greenberg?

  It used to be more in vogue to just be around more people more often.

• 25:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  But that's how we had to start making friendships. Like, it's just a different generation.

• 25:16Rayna Greenberg?

  No, that's what I mean. In my twenties, I mean, it was just...

• 25:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:18Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, generationally, we are different.

• 25:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, but it's like, that's how we're wired. So, we are gonna be coming at this topic as elder millennials, where this is how we had to make friends growing up. We didn't make friends on the internet. I mean, sometimes in chat rooms, you might be my little friend, but, you know, it's just, we are better at socializing and, I think, better at making friends and better at partying. And the guys of our age are better at asking women out. Like, all these things, and I don't mean this as a dig to Gen Z. I just mean that we were brought up this way. And we had to call people on the landline and we had to see our friends in person. And you just had to communicate, like, differently. And so, that's just how we were born and bred.

• 25:56Rayna Greenberg?

  It's so interesting, because like, times have changed, but people haven't changed. The desire for community has never gone away, even though we're like, in the house more and we're alone more and there's ways to connect, obviously, on social media more. I mean, one of the number one things we've always gotten, it's pervasive for a decade of the podcast, is like, I want more friends. I want more community. I've moved to this new place, or all my friends are married and I'm the only single girl. Like, we have... This is one of the most, like, pervasive issues we've seen, where people are just like, I don't have anybody around me, I want more of that, how do I get that? But people's avenues towards that and attitudes towards it have changed so much.

• 26:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, we are social beings. We are fundamentally and biologically driven to form connections for survival and to thrive, which means your family, your friends, your community, but the odds are more stacked against you. Like, the need for community and friendship is never gonna change. We're just wired like that. And everybody's different. And I also want to say, we have like, a bunch of caveats, because I'm coming at this as an extrovert, and there is nothing introverted about me. People are like, I'm an extroverted introvert, I'm an introvert extrovert, I'm an a-trovert, or whatever the new one is. Like, I will never claim to be anything but an extrovert. Yes, I need some alone time. I need to recharge, but I want to be around people that really fills my cup. And so I know that

• 27:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  everybody's not like that, too. And that's totally fine. And that you need to find what works for you.

• 27:18Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, you and I are not socially anxious people, thankfully. And those are not the people we're speaking to, obviously. It's, it's so easy to be like, just get off the couch and go out. I'm not, if you are like, I have mental health problems that are gonna include me from doing that, that we're not speaking to you. And also, you and I don't have children. You know, like, we're not constrained by the type of things that other people are like, I can't afford to go out. I can't get a babysitter. I can't, I'm single, free, I'm ready to mingle.

• 27:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  I saw a post that said, would you live in isolation for 10 years for a billion dollars when you got out of it? 10 days, I wouldn't do. I don't, no, five days.

• 27:56Rayna Greenberg?

  10 years?

• 27:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I couldn't believe.

• 27:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Girl, 10 days.

• 28:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  For, alright, fine.

• 28:01Rayna Greenberg?

  What's the max you would be in isolation for a billion dollars?

• 28:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't know, because I feel like I would go crazy. And I think it would traumatize me for life. I mean, you're not supposed to be in isolation. That's why they put prisoners like that behave badly in solitary confinement. It's, we're not supposed to do that. It makes us go crazy.

• 28:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, I could do 30 days.

• 28:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  For a billion dollars? Just alone by yourself, I don't, I think I would start to go crazy.

• 28:30Rayna Greenberg?

  Do I have a television?

• 28:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Um.

• 28:32Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, solitary confinement, you just stare at the wall, right?

• 28:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Solitary confinement, I don't even, there's like, no price. I don't, I don't think.

• 28:40Rayna Greenberg?

  There's a price.

• 28:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  I, I, I really, I don't know. I think I could do a week in solitary.

• 28:48Rayna Greenberg?

  I could do a week. I could do 10 days. I start to go really crazy.

• 28:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's what I'm, my point. Like, I mean, I, we talked about this on the show before. There's been a couple of times, I mean, I've gotten, I've gotten surgeries where I couldn't leave the house. And like, I start doing and acting like really crazy after like, seven days of not seeing people. Like, I'm acting in a way that is outside of like, my normal personality. And I had access to social media and TV at those times. Yes, like, we are wired for connection. If a day goes by, and I've just been in the house, or especially like a travel day, and I haven't like, talked to someone in five hours.

• 29:23Rayna Greenberg?

  You do like to be a people.

• 29:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't stand it. So I feel like something's off.

• 29:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  So anyway, we just say all that to say how important these connections are, how important friendships are. And I do think everyone is different. I mean, I do think some people genuinely are like, I'm good with five good friends in my life. And some people are like, I need 20 plus best besties. And I don't know, everyone is very different in what they want, but it's going to come down to you need to be the type of friend that you want to have.

• 29:55Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I, I think there's no like quant- this, I like having a large group of friends. I like having different friends for different things. I have like friends I would just go to lunch with. I have travel friends. I have different friends for different things. But if five people is good for you, then that's great. You, that's still your village and you still have to show up for those people. And I was thinking about this like a lot because we've seen some people talking online about like, you don't need to go to people's weddings. And we had somebody on this show talk about, I felt weird like not pushing back, but she was talking about like, it's fine if you want to skip somebody's birthday party. Like you can just tell them, I'll see you another time. And there's nuance to everything, of course. If, if you can't go because of course, you can't find childcare, you don't have the money for it. Yes, you do have crippling social anxiety. That's totally different to me. But like friendship is inconvenient sometimes. And we don't want to do stuff. I, I don't want

• 30:39Rayna Greenberg?

  to leave the house, buy outfits, buy gifts, do all these things. But like, I do want people to do those things for me. I want people to show me that the things that I prioritize are important to me. I want people to come to our live shows. I want people to act like it's a big deal. There's reciprocity there. I have to do that for other people. If I want those things and I could never expect those things for myself if I didn't do those for other people. And I really have a problem with people being like, just skip it. You don't have to go. I mean, you could skip anything, I guess. You don't have to go to anything. But like, then don't complain that people don't do things for you. That's fine.

• 31:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I think a birthday is the perfect example. And if you're a person who you have a birthday party and someone bails at the last minute who you thought was coming because they're tired, not because they're sick, not because there's an emergency, just because they basically don't want to come. And you're not bothered by that, that's fine. I've been thinking of a friend we have that I really think she's just like that. And I don't even consider her to be- Flaky. I think she shows up for me, but she's just the kind of person that's like, I get it. It's fine. And she wouldn't expect. I don't know. She's kind of is the friend she wants. And so if you're that type of person, that is different, but I treat my friends the way I want to be treated. And so I think that's the perfect example. And when we talk about mental health,

• 31:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  of course, we all want to put our mental health first. You can't be a good friend or a partner or whatever. If you're not taking care of yourself first, but there's a difference between a disorder. And you know, if I go to this thing, I'm going to have a panic attack and feeling mildly uncomfortable or anxious. I think feeling uncomfortable is a part of the human experience. We all have anxiety. Of course, there's a spectrum, some more than others, but when people say mental health as their excuse or as their reason, you know, what actually is it? Is it just because you might not love everybody at the party? You might feel a little anxious or uncomfortable, or is like, I really, truly, this will be harmful to me.

• 32:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  And so I just think that's the, the birthday party is the perfect example. And the wedding, I mean, I did see a post that said, basically, you don't have to go to people's weddings anymore. And it was like, if they're your best friend, your sibling, like I said, you know, but basically like you just, you don't have to go. And the comments really pushed back against it. And we're like, you don't have to go, but this is part of building community and this is sad. And this is getting away from having friends and community, and this is isolating us further. And no, you don't have to go to every wedding. I'm fully in support of that sentiment. I think, is it someone you would invite to your wedding and would want to be there? That's what I would ask myself. I fully support not being able to make it to every single thing you're invited to.

• 33:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  But again, it's just this, you don't owe anyone anything. Yeah, you do. Yes, you do. I, I mean, I guess you do, you don't, you know what I'm saying, but if you want it in return. And there's been a lot of this discussion about friendship and showing up for people being inconvenient. Sure. Sometimes, but I don't think of it like that. I don't think of it as like friendship is an uphill battle and it's going to. I don't think of it like that. I think of, these are things I want to do. Yes, sometimes I don't really have the time. I'm busy. I don't want to fight traffic. You're tired, but overall the benefits outweigh any minor inconveniences you might run into along the way.

• 33:58Rayna Greenberg?

  I tell myself that all the time. Like even if you are. So tired at the end of this day. You're in a bad mood. It's raining. You don't feel putting on an outfit. You are bloated. I always tell myself like the benefits of how happy you're gonna feel after you, at the end of the night when you're like, I got to have that experience. Well, outweigh any annoyance I feel now. And yes, all those things are annoying. At the end of your day, like I gotta go to this dinner. I gotta get dressed. I gotta look cute. I gotta socialize. Like, a lot of those things can be annoying, but like, it's such a net positive. The core of friendships is sharing those milestones with people and being able to spend years saying, remember when? Remember that birthday? Remember that event that we went to together? That trip we took together? And like, I wanna have those memories with people. I want, like, to be like, this is the sixth time we've

• 34:39Rayna Greenberg?

  done XYZ together. Like, the people that have shown up for me every single time, the people that have made a priority to come to our live shows every single year, I mean, I could cry. It means so much to me that like, all of our friends, even this year, like, and last year, we just forgot to tell people our friends in New York to come. They were messaging me like, what's the plan for a holiday show? Like, who's meeting up before? What are we doing after? Like, the fact that our friends have come to like, eight holiday shows in a row. They have seen the Girls Got to Eat shows. They've been a part of it. They wanna do it every year. Like, I'll never forget it. And I'll show up for them forever because of it.

• 35:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally. And the community we have built and the way our friends have become friends and the way that, you know, your friends have become my friends and vice versa and watching Shashank become friends with our guy friends and like, have his own separate relationships and even you and our friends with my family and just the community that we've built around us is the most important thing in my life. And I know that everybody doesn't need that. And I think of the birthday dinner example and someone's like, okay, I hate a group setting and I would never do it myself. I would never have, I don't like having a birthday. I don't like attention. I don't like groups. I don't like crowds. And it's like, I understand that specific type of person who is very introverted, which I fully respect, being like, I'm gonna celebrate my friend's birthday over coffee or over lunch and take them out solo because that's what I prefer to do as well. But our whole

• 35:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  point is like, if you look at the big community and all the friends and all the things and people are showing up for each other and if you, you know, have a grasp on the kind of community that we built and all the people that come to the shows and come to the Rain of Palooza and the wedding and all that stuff and you're like, I want that. It's like, you have to be that person.

• 36:11Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, you and I inconvenience ourselves all the time. And you and I have had years where we've done 40, 50 live shows. And I'm exhausted. I don't wanna go anywhere else. I don't wanna get back in town. I don't wanna work five days, get on the road, do three shows, come back and have to do something. But like, but you and I have just made it our, our like, mission in life to show up for people and I see the rewards of that because I wasn't always like this. I don't know that I cared that much in high school or even college. I didn't have that many girlfriends. I had friends. I've always had friends. I've always been like popular, but I wasn't like friendship over everything. And in my twenties, I also was always in a relationship. I like lived with two men back to back. And when my ex fiance and I broke up, I didn't like have that big of a community. And I had to like at almost 30 be like, it's time to like build one. I

• 36:56Rayna Greenberg?

  just, it's like never too late to do this. Like I didn't like care that I'm not like brow beating other people for not doing this because I didn't do it. I had a partner at home and that was my priority. I went to work. I maybe got happy hour drinks with some people after work. I didn't care that much.

• 37:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's never too late. And I like that you bring up a partner too, because we compare romantic relationships to friendships. And like, why are we so willing to be inconvenienced and sacrifice and do all the things for the romantic relationship, but not the friendships? When arguably they're because you're getting the

• 37:24Rayna Greenberg?

  orgasm of return.

• 37:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  But yeah, and the way you were describing like being on the road or working really hard, whatever you have going on and then having to do something on top of it. And like, it's exhausting. It's like, I think a lot of things that are fulfilling are exhausting. Mentally draining? I don't know. I mean, if you're gonna go to that birthday dinner and it's gonna make you feel bad, again, like that might just not be for you. But being tired, being exhausted, being drained, I fucking live for that shit. I want to be tired. I feel fulfilled. So it's like, oh, I gotta go to this thing. I'm so exhausted. I, for me, that's a reframe because I like to be tired. I like to have done stuff.

• 38:02Rayna Greenberg?

  You love to socialize. You could socialize every day. I, I am somebody that I can stay home for three days in a row. I like my own company. I don't need to see a soul. I will talk to people all day for sure. But like, I do like to be alone and I do need to like recharge and regenerate. And you and I were like in New York for two weeks and then your parents' house and I was around for so many people. And the day after we got back, Brittany was having that going away party, like she's moving out of LA and I didn't want to leave the house.

• 38:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, man, that was

• 38:28Rayna Greenberg?

  There was nothing I wanted to do less.

• 38:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Brittany, why would you do us like this?

• 38:32Rayna Greenberg?

  December 29th, there was nothing I wanted to do less, but I was like, If it was me and I was leaving, I just had to ask myself if it was me, would I want people to show up for me? And so I had to put pants on and leave the house and go do something. It's important when people run the tape on their friendship with me that they feel that I've like shown up for them. And I don't know that I really cared that much in my twenties. It's become really important to me like later in life for people to be like, Raina shows up.

• 38:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I know. That's really what it's about. And I put together a matrix to determine if you have to go.

• 39:04Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 39:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  So this is the friendship closeness event importance matrix.

• 39:10Rayna Greenberg?

  I like that you drew it and I want to, I want to see you post your drawing.

• 39:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  This is, remember the crazy hot matrix?

• 39:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Do I remember?

• 39:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Any matrix, really. And so it's a matrix of the importance of the event and then the closeness of the relationship and where someone falls, like what quadrant they're in. So you have your friendship closeness along the top and then you have your event importance going up the side. So in your quadrant two, close friend, important event, you have to go.

• 39:35Rayna Greenberg?

  You have to go.

• 39:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  What are you doing?

• 39:38Rayna Greenberg?

  You better be at a hospital if you're not at my thing.

• 39:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. And then we have in quadrant three, less close friend, less important event. You don't have to go. What is this, a shower for a third tier friend?

• 39:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Don't invite me to your shower. Even if we are close friends, I don't want to come.

• 39:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. So then.

• 39:53Rayna Greenberg?

  If it's a shower, it's in the, it's not important to me quadrant. I'll send a gift.

• 39:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. Quadrant one is your less close friend and your important event. And this is your call. Is the friendship important? Do you want them to come to the event reciprocally? If it was you?

• 40:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 40:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's up to you.

• 40:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 40:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  You know? And then your quadrant four, your close friend, less important event. And that's the same thing. It's like, is it important to them? You know, I think that we have a friend who is getting married and we are going to her bachelorette and her wedding, of course. She's not our best friend. She's a close friend. Obviously, if we're invited to the bachelorette, we're like in her close circle of friends. And she was asking me just recently from my experience getting married, like inviting people to the shower. And I was like, I would never do a shower. It couldn't be me. But.

• 40:44Rayna Greenberg?

  I might have gone to your shower.

• 40:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  I wouldn't have done that. No shade. But I was like, I think it's so easy to send people invites and they know that, you know, they might not make it. And that's okay. So that's like, close friend, less important event. That's where that falls.

• 41:00Rayna Greenberg?

  I like your matrix. I like that you started with number two. Also, you did not start with one, like typically most people would do.

• 41:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  I started the most important. If someone's in that top corner and you don't go, you're a bad friend.

• 41:12Rayna Greenberg?

  It's just like, we all have those friends that just cancel a lot last minute. And, you know, it just slowly erodes the friendship for me. I mean, if you're okay with that, there are plenty of people that are like, I don't need that many friends and I don't want that many plans and don't clear. Great. And that's, that's what we will be. But like, the friends that just kind of like bail all the time. Like, the people that just live to can't, listen, I live to cancel plans. I love it. But I don't want people to do it to me. So like, the people that just cancel all the time, they're flaky and they don't show up for me and they say yes, but I know that they're probably not going to come. Like, I'm just not really friends with those people anymore. They can be included in plans I make with other people, but we're not close friends.

• 41:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  You can't count on them. And I would die if someone said they couldn't count on me. You know, I'm wondering if some of those flakier people know that they are a person that behind their back, people are saying you can't count on them. I would hate it. It would, it would crush me if someone's like, ah, she doesn't show up. You can't count on her.

• 42:04Rayna Greenberg?

  You're the number one show her upper. You don't let me cancel anything. You'll be like, right now, we committed to this. We have to go to this. Like, you have forced me to be a better person. Against my will.

• 42:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  And here's the thing, I think that we all get passes in life and we're human and things happen. And so, again, it's just one of those things of, is it a habit? You know, are you someone that people think about like that, that you're gonna bail?

• 42:25Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't want to spend the whole episode being like, well, Ashley and I do this and Ashley. But people are always like, how do you guys have so many friends? This is why. People know that they can count on us. We show up, like, we're gonna prioritize things. We're not gonna bail on stuff. Like, if you really want the answer to that, like, and yes, I understand, I don't have a partner or children. So it is easier for me to show up than your average. I also have money and I can afford to do stuff. So, yes, all of those things I'm fully aware of. But if you're like, how do you guys have so many friends? That's why. Cause you can count on us to show up. We'll do the right thing.

• 42:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And money is part of this too. I don't think your good friends want you to go in debt on their behalf. I mean, I have. In my twenties, I was so broke. All of my college girlfriends got married in our twenties. I did not miss a bachelorette or a wedding. I was overdrafting. I was putting stuff on credit cards I couldn't afford. And I am not giving financial advice based on that. I was not the picture of financial success. Just, I did that in, not just for my friends, for myself, too. I, you know, I lived outside my means and I was irresponsible. And of course, I just don't regret any of that. Like, it was worth it to me. And that's not everyone's story. I figured it out somehow. I made it up somehow. And I think that's the thing when it comes to money.

• 43:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, can you afford it? You might just have to tighten your belt somewhere else, or work a couple of extra hours or something. Can you act, can you afford it with a little bit of sacrifice? Or can you really not afford it? A wedding, something really important to a close friend, can you make it work? I think most people want to try to make it work. And if you can't, you can't. And people understand. It's tough.

• 43:59Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. If you don't have the money to do stuff, I think that you should feel very comfortable. And I know that those conversations are really uncomfortable. Saying to somebody, I can't afford to do this, is, it's a really hard thing to say out loud. And I think that, like, we as a society, at least in my experience, like, have gotten better at having those conversations and accepting that as the answer. Like, a friend of ours, she's having bachelorette in Miami. When I said to her, I don't know if I can come. I don't think, I don't think I can, like, make the time. She was like, no worries. Totally cool. I don't expect everybody to spend this type of money. Like, I am gonna go now because I have my show that weekend.

• 44:32Rayna Greenberg?

  I actually planned the Miami show around it. But it's a net positive, all these TikToks and all this conversation about boundaries. And I think it's a net positive because we are able to have those conversations more easily than I would have been able to in my twenties. I could see these conversations really spiraling out of control. I would have had so much anxiety having those conversations and saying to somebody, I don't think I can make it. And you think, like, I'm gonna let this person down. What are they gonna say? They're gonna get mad at me. Like, I do think just overall, we've gotten better at having these conversations. Do you? I just, I don't have the tools.

• 45:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  There's been some overcorrection, for sure. And that's kind of what we're seeing, is people are protecting their peace too much. They're protecting their peace in the isolation. They're drawing boundaries and they're not seeing their community. And so, of course, there's been that. But yeah, I think people have the language. And I just think in general, we, I think, have become more empathetic. I

• 45:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  Think that we've all been through a lot, you know, especially I think people that share the same value system. I think 2020 was such a game changer. I feel like 2020 made me a lot more empathetic. I just think in general, like we were talking with Laura and Christina recently, all the cool girls get fired, like employers are more empathetic. Like I just think in general, people are more understanding about everything.

• 45:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 45:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Especially the younger generation. It is all about protecting your peace and and mental health. So I think the conversations are easier to have and it's just a matter of like picking and choosing what you can do. And again, in in my twenties, I mean, doing a destination bachelorette, then the wedding, I mean, it just, it becomes too much. And especially if you're gonna be a bridesmaid, you gotta buy the dress. I mean, you can say, no, I can't afford this.

• 46:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. And we encourage people to do that. And if you're getting married, you should understand that you're not the first person that's ever gotten married. People don't owe you all this money because of it. And I do think there's a lot of talk about like, are we over boundaried? Are we over therapized? Is everything designed to protect our peace? And I think that, you know, the pendulum really swang a little too far. And I think that there's nuance there. You know, I, my least favorite social engagements in the world, it always has been, is like a room full of people that all knows each other and I don't know anybody. And you and I, what we do for work at this point, everybody wants to talk to us about what we do for work. And so I'm less scared of those things than I used to be. But like, I walk into a room solo and everybody knows each other and I don't have a romantic partner to walk in that room with. Like, I hate those social

• 46:50Rayna Greenberg?

  situations so deeply. And I think it's okay to go and stay for 20 minutes. These days, I used to love it. I really don't want to stand at a bar. I just, I just, I'm like, what am I doing here? It feels so foreign to me when it's like all I used to do every weekend. Like, I want to go sit at a bar. I want to go watch an Eagles game and have a seat and have my chicken tenders. I don't want to stand. Like, I'll do it every once in a while. But someone having a party or a celebration of some sort at a, just a bar and there's gonna be dozens of people there and it's not my best friend, I might skip it. Like, that's the kind of thing, that it's just like, this is a little more casual, depends on what it's for. I mean, again, that's where the matrix comes into play. Like, anything you do,

• 47:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm there. You and maybe, I don't know, four other people, I'm gonna be there no matter what it is, no matter if it's my least favorite social setting, I'm gonna be there. I guess it's contradictory, but like you don't have to do everything full force all the time. Like that wedding I went to the weekend before I met you, my friend Courtney's wedding in Boston, she invited me, I did not get invited with a plus one. Everybody knew each other. I did not know one person. I was like paralyzed with anxiety. I was just like, I don't even know who I'm gonna sit with. I went for like 45 minutes. I watched her get married, I said hi, I danced to like a dance, I laughed. I mean, I was really uncomfortable, but it was like really important to me to show up. But like, I didn't need to stay there all night and feel like that. You know, like, that's the boundary I drew. And she will look back and know that I went to her wedding and that is important to her. But like, I

• 48:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  didn't need to stick around all night. Yeah. And again, that's where the importance of the occasion comes in. Cause I'm, it's like, you know, birthdays, a birthday at a bar. People have birthdays every year. You launched a company. It's your launch party, like baby mama, when Whitney didn't go to Macy's launch? Okay, okay. Now you're into Mormon wives. Okay. Hear me out. Stay with me here, stay with me here. I'm in my Mormon wives era. And this has been sticking with me that if you, if you watch, obviously Macy, that's a huge thing. You've launched a company, you have some big promotion. Like, these things are more important than birthdays, I think. Obviously, they're an achievement. And you notice who's not there.

• 48:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  And they were discussing this, Macy and Whitney were discussing this. And I can't remember the exact quote, but Macy, who is my queen, and I'm just the number one person on the show, whatever, I'll do my power ranking. She wants to come on our show. She, we get pitched all the time. Macy? Macy. Macy Neely herself. So she says to Whitney, cause Whitney's like, I didn't come, I was, you know, just felt uncomfortable, da, da, da. And she goes, after my son's father died, I was a bridesmaid in two weddings. Like, in, within the year, I can't remember the time span, but like, I was just like, mic drop. In the darkest time of her life, she showed up to be in people's weddings. And she didn't say that to throw it back in her face, but it was just to illustrate, like, sometimes you have to push through these feelings to show up for people.

• 49:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. I mean, you and I believe in protecting your peace, but like, you do have to show up for people. Again, if you want a village. If you don't give a fuck, if you're fine to be out of mom talk.

• 49:52Rayna Greenberg?

  That's mine too. I mean, when my fiance left me, the avalanche of weddings I had to go to that year.

• 49:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 49:59Rayna Greenberg?

  It was unbelievable. I was getting waterboarded with other people's happiness. Boy, I'm gonna look back and not have gone to those weddings. I knew that I would regret that because I knew I would get over feeling so sad that he left me. Look at me now.

• 50:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 50:11Rayna Greenberg?

  And I would feel sad looking back that I'd missed those milestones in people's lives. And my God, was it fucking terrible. And I didn't stay long.

• 50:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, like Charlotte didn't want to go to Miranda's baby shower. She put on a lip and she Elizabeth Taylor'd the shit out of her look and she hit the streets and she made it.

• 50:27Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, I will remember people that showed up for me for the rest of my life. And like, I think a lot about Raina Palooza this summer and I had it in the Hamptons. And the Hamptons are pretty tough to get to. Even if you're in Manhattan, they're tough to get to. You gotta take a train. But if you, if you come from the West Coast, you have to fly to JFK, you have to rent a car. It's not so easy to get to. And like, I'll remember for the rest of my life, the people that showed up and Brittany specifically, I think about her all the time. And she's our friend who is sober and doesn't know a lot of our friends. It was coming from LA and she flew across the country and spent a whole weekend in a house of 20 drunk people, even though she's sober and didn't, she's not the most social person, admittedly. I mean, I said to her to begin with, I don't expect you to come to this. Like, but she made friends and like, I, I will remember this for the rest of my

• 51:11Rayna Greenberg?

  life, that she put herself in a really uncomfortable position. I'm pretty great weekend.

• 51:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 51:15Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, I wasn't torturing her. We weren't camping.

• 51:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 51:17Rayna Greenberg?

  But like, I, I'll remember forever that she was like, I will put you ahead of what I want. Cause I'm sure she did not want to do that.

• 51:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  But she had, she made, had a great time. She made friends. Yeah. Like, I, I mean, I know that there are some people out there that were like, I cannot be in that Raina Palooza situation. It's my nightmare. It will take a toll on me. I don't want to be.

• 51:36Rayna Greenberg?

  Somebody say that to you?

• 51:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  A few people.

• 51:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, I just, I don't know. Then it's just, I guess you have a real mismatch in like personalities. And I think you would also understand if you had a really introverted friend, maybe it was like an older friends when you grandfathered in because of history and you just don't really align on the way you want to spend your time. But I don't think, you certainly wouldn't cut someone out of your life because they're like, you know, I just can't be doing that type of situation.

• 52:01Rayna Greenberg?

  I think that to your point previously, I think I have more empathy than I used to.

• 52:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 52:04Rayna Greenberg?

  People that were just, there were plenty of people that were like, I'd love to. Come, I don't really want to be bothered going to the Hamptons. And I was like, no problem.

• 52:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 52:11Rayna Greenberg?

  I will not show up for your birthday, but.

• 52:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Um, are we doing that this year?

• 52:14Rayna Greenberg?

  Are we doing Rainapalooza?

• 52:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 52:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 52:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, it is annual?

• 52:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, because Meghan's birthday.

• 52:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 52:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Is June 20, is June 19. We're doing Burning Meg and Rainapalooza.

• 52:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so we are doing it.

• 52:23Rayna Greenberg?

  We're doing it.

• 52:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, I've been meaning to ask.

• 52:25Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, my God, you guys, it's happening.

• 52:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't wait.

• 52:29Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm gonna end my tour. We're gonna do that. And then we're gonna go to, then we're gonna go to France.

• 52:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. Okay. Summer locked and loaded.

• 52:37Rayna Greenberg?

  But I just, I do look back and again, friendship is not about like keeping score. I don't keep like a list of, I'm like ticking it off. Like you didn't go to this, so I don't have to go for you. But it's just, I always say that like, you know, for every relationship in your life, there's this giant whiteboard. We're just putting stuff up on it and it's just noted. If you bailed on, for close friends, you bailed on my birthday last minute. I mean, I, I host the New Year's party every single year and like, there are people that like asked me, can I bring two people, three people and bailed on me in the last minute? And I've spent money.

• 53:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  No shows?

• 53:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I, it's noted.

• 53:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it's noted. Exactly. Again, people get passes in life. Shit happens, but when it's a pattern and I can't count on you, what are we doing here? You're a party friend, if any friend.

• 53:19Rayna Greenberg?

  That's, I mean, yes, you've been demoted to a party friend.

• 53:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And, you know, I feel for anyone who feels like they always show up for their friends and they don't get it in return. And sometimes the answer is you need new friends. Sometimes it is you need new friends to replace those friends. But sometimes it's just you need friends that are in your place in life because if you are friends with a lot of people who are choosing to start families and you're not, you will feel the distance and that is to be expected. And I certainly felt that with my college girlfriends and I've cited them before where I just didn't feel like I had a lot in common with them when they were all having babies. And it's changed so drastically. I've been more communication with them. We're able to take trips now that their kids are older. So.

• 54:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Sometimes it's just, of course friendships ebb and flow and they have seasons and you have to recognize if your friends are just in a different stage of life. And that's why it's so important to have friends who, one, value the same things as you do and two, are in the same stage of life. And it's not to replace those friends. It's just, you need people in your stage of life. We did a whole episode on this, early 2024?

• 54:24Rayna Greenberg?

  I do feel for people that feel like, I'm always the person that reaches out. I'm always the person that makes the plan. I always have to like, buy the tickets and say like, can we get together first? And you see it with single girls a lot, that they're just like, I have the time, so I am the person that always reaches out. And it's like disappointing and like, it does make you feel like, do people not want to include me and stuff? Do people like, don't want to prioritize me? And to your point, like, it does just start to happen in your late twenties and early thirties. People start to have kids and, I don't know, they get their partner at home and they have a built-in buddy at the house. And so they're not hanging out with you as much. And you do kind of have to find your community. And I know that sucks. It's easier said than done. When my fiance left me, I was like, oh, I don't want to be friends. Like, I have to just start saying yes to everything. And it's uncomfortable and I don't like it. And I don't want to go to

• 55:06Rayna Greenberg?

  all this stuff. But like, I benefited long-term from it. We got, I got a listener DM the other day, and this girl was saying, like, I live in Indiana and I'm debating moving to Chicago because everybody around me is married with kids and I'm single. And I just, I don't have like, my people. And I would never tell somebody, like, leave your whole community and family behind. But I like the idea. Like, you and I, we benefit from living in cities like New York and LA. That's never been my life experience, that everybody around me is married with kids. Cause we don't live in cities that are like that. But for other people that live in communities like that, that's probably the majority of people.

• 55:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know.

• 55:39Rayna Greenberg?

  Majority of communities. So, yeah, maybe move to a new city.

• 55:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And it just, I mean, we've done a lot of episodes and created a lot of content on making friendships and how important it is that you can, you never stop. And it is never too late. And you can make best friends for life when you're in your 50s or older. And so it's just something I think that's important to remember. Okay. Well, let's just take another quick break and then we will get back into it. I am telling you guys about Helix. Okay. If you- Have a New Year's goal or a goal anytime of year to get better sleep and you do not have a Helix mattress, this is how you're gonna do it. It is the most important thing. I think every year as I age, I just realize how a good night's sleep is the most important thing, truly, truly in my life. And I've had trouble sleeping in the past and I've been sleeping better than ever. Of course, we've had Helix mattresses for years, but

• 56:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  it's just so, so important. So you're gonna get on their site, take a sleep quiz. It's gonna match you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and your sleep needs. So whether you sleep on your front, or your back, or your side, if you want a firm mattress, or a softer mattress. I have the Midnight Luxe. It was awarded best mattress for sex by some study.

• 56:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, good.

• 56:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then I have a Moonlight Luxe in my guest bedroom. Raina has a couple of, we have friends have a Dusk Luxe. My brother and my sister-in-law have one of the plus-size mattresses. They have plus-size mattresses, mattresses for kids, mattresses that can cool you down if you sleep hot. And they have a happy with Helix guarantee. So you can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. They have a risk-free, customer-first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. Free shipping, seamless delivery, everything they do is just so wonderful. So we can't stress enough how important it is to have a Helix mattress to really improve your overall sleep. So check them out, you guys. Go to helixsleep.com/gge for 20% off sitewide. That is helixsleep.com/gge

• 57:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  for 20% off sitewide. Make sure you enter our show name after your checkout, so they know we sent you. helixsleep.com/gge for 20% off. And of course, the pillows we're obsessed with too. Can't stress enough. Everything they do, just top, top of the line.

• 57:42Rayna Greenberg?

  People lose their minds when they stay at my house with those pillows and mattress. It's the best. I want less people at my house. Maybe I'll get a different mattress.

• 57:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  That is how to get people to not sleep over, get something other than a Helix.

• 57:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Ew, have you seen Raina's mattresses?

• 57:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  All right, and this show is sponsored by Liquid IV. This partner is perfect for this episode. So unforgettable memories are made when you are present and connected, not distracted and exhausted. So you can recharge with Liquid IV's Energy Multiplier Sugar-Free Hydrating Energy. It's scientifically formulated to support physical energy, hydration, focus, mood, and social stamina. I mean, this holiday season, we are all running around like crazy. We're eating stuff that's bad for our bodies. We're drinking too much. We're sleeping too little. And this has really been a savior.

• 58:24Rayna Greenberg?

  You put them in the gift bags for your wedding. I put them in the gift bags for Rainapalooza. I mean, to wake up in the morning and just put Liquid IV in my water. I love the flavors. I like the lemon lime. What do you like? Lemon lime, grapefruit. I love grapefruit, everything. And guava are my top three favorites. New Year's Day, we woke up, Liquid IV immediately injected in my veins. There's little pouches, you drip them open, you put them in 16 ounces of water. It'll hydrate you better than water alone. I just have the boxes inside my cabinet. I always just like grab a little stick. They're so easy. And powered by Liquid IV Hydroscience, an optimized ratio of electrolytes, essential vitamins, is clinically tested nutrients that turn ordinary water into extraordinary hydration. The hydrating energy was zero sugar and zero crash from Liquid IV,

• 59:09Rayna Greenberg?

  three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drinks, and there's five essential vitamins and nutrients. I mean, it is just like a way to just jolt yourself back, to feel energy, to go out and socialize, to be a part of a friendship village. So you can show up with better hydration and energy from Liquid IV, zero sugar and zero crash. Tear poor, live more. Go to LiquidIV.com and get 20% off your first order with code GGE at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with code GGE at LiquidIV.com. Okay. So one of the things I was reading about, there's just been so many like thinking pieces about this recently, was how people are so conflict averse and they're just willing, instead of saying like, this bothered me, this upset me, they're just willing to like let friendships go. Okay. Whether than saying like, I feel left out, or I don't like the way you behaved in this situation.

• 59:54Rayna Greenberg?

  And I was talking to a friend of mine about how I've just gotten so much better at conflict. I've had some conflict with friends this year. I've had to have some like pretty hard discussions with people. And I am really proud of how I handle conflict because I was so conflict averse growing up. And it was terrifying to me to say anything. And I will say all the time, like the thing that ruins friendships is not conflict, it's avoidance. And every time I've like faced conflict head on with a friend, I feel like I've gotten closer with them. I understand them on a deeper level. I know that I can get through it with them again. I'm not afraid to have conflict with them further. But a friend of hers I was talking to, she was like, I could, the conversations you're describing, I could never have them. And I was like, let's, this is a lifelong struggle for me. I didn't wake up at 40. I'm good at this, but.

• 1:00:39Rayna Greenberg?

  She was like, I can't have these conversations. They scare me. And I said, well, what's, tell me what, what are you afraid of? What's the worst thing that could happen? And she was like, the people will leave me. So I'll tell them that I'm upset about something and they'll leave me. And I was like, is that really a friendship you want in your life?

• 1:00:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 1:00:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Somebody that you really feel like I'm going to express to them calmly, this hurt my feelings and they walk at the door like, I don't think we should apply that to everybody. Like if you have a problem this and you can just fucking go. But I encourage people to have those type of conversations because most people, one, will not leave.

• 1:01:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 1:01:09Rayna Greenberg?

  And if they do, if somebody really cannot sit and listen to you say, you did this thing, it hurt me, then like, that isn't really a long time friendship you can have.

• 1:01:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. Yeah, that's not a healthy relationship. On the other side of the coin, I've been loving Amanda White, who is Therapy for Women on Instagram. A lot of her content surrounding this and we've had her on the show. We had her on 2022 or 2023. You guys will find it. And she posted this thing that had, she said it didn't happen to her, it happened to someone else. And it was basically a scenario of a friend, her grandmother had just died, she moved to a new city, she didn't have any connections. And she texted, I was wondering if you want to hang out sometime, I could really use a friend. And the friend was basically like, don't guilt trip me, don't trauma dump on me, you know, which is like, that's not a friend either. You know, someone that you reach out and you're like, I could, I could really use a friend right now. And someone's like, don't make me feel like this.

• 1:02:00Rayna Greenberg?

  That is the worst case scenario I could ever imagine. And that person's not a person you want.

• 1:02:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Exactly, exactly.

• 1:02:07Rayna Greenberg?

  A person that is going to go on the defensive, if you're like, I need people and they just attack you.

• 1:02:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 1:02:12Rayna Greenberg?

  And also I promise you that is a pattern in their life. And those, that's the quality of relationships that I can't even, I can't comprehend attacking somebody that's like, I really need somebody.

• 1:02:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't either. I know, I can't either.

• 1:02:23Rayna Greenberg?

  And listen, we all do have those friends that always have an emergency and they always need something right now. And you, you can recalibrate them too. And say like, I can't just drop everything all the time for you.

• 1:02:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's true. Yeah, I mean, there's a world in which it's like this person is always going through something and they always, well, this is actually the scenario of someone dying is different. But you know, I do think there's a world in which someone is constantly, every day, it's like some catastrophe and they're needy and they need you, but I just didn't think that was going on in what she described. And I also liked this thing that she posted called the friendship recession and why we've forgotten how to connect and just kind of talking about everything that we've talked about. But it's like, if you feel like you don't have the village and/or you're not being a good villager, it's okay. I think that we have been conditioned with a lot of these things and we've overcorrected on some of the boundaries and the self-care and it's just

• 1:03:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  never too late. It's never too late to be like, I'm done living that life and I want to start showing up for people and have people show up for me. I just think that like, this is kind of the space that we're in. And again, this like staying at home alone and rotting has become glamorized and that's okay. And I love it. I love to do it. But a lot of these things have contributed to this sense of isolation and lack of connection.

• 1:03:41Rayna Greenberg?

  I think we just all have to find a balance between like, how many boundaries we're gonna have, how much isolation we're gonna have. I love staying in the house, but if somebody's like, I need you. I had a long time situation with somebody who I was quite frankly, probably in love with and he didn't want to be with me. And this went on for years. And the women in my life that showed up for me, every single time I said, I promise this is the last time. I promise I will cut him out of my life. I promise I will stop like self harming with this person. I get like emotional about it because like, I believed those things when I said them to my friends for years. I promised to myself it would be the last time. And my friends watched me self harm with this person and he's a wonderful person, she didn't want to date me, but I should have cut him out of my life. And

• 1:04:25Rayna Greenberg?

  The amount of times my friends just showed up to listen and fielded hysterically sobbing voice notes, I mean, for years. And I just, I look back, no one made me feel silly or foolish or stupid, and they probably should have. And I have a laundry list of girlfriends that just didn't do that to me. And like, I will remember the people that showed up for me time and time again, even though I was being a dumbass bitch and I could not get out of my own way. I'll remember it for the rest of my life, the women in my life that just showed up because they knew that I wanted to believe that this was the last time I would let this happen.

• 1:04:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, they put themselves, we put ourselves in your shoes of just like, she doesn't want to feel like this either, you know? And I had a, I had a talk with you where I was like, I think this is, if this doesn't change, it's starting to affect who you are as a person. You just are sad a lot and you just are in kind of a depressive state. Like, if you can't seem to turn it around this time, I think you need to seek professional help. Like, and that was not, I'm sick of hearing about it. That was just like, I don't want you to keep going down this road. It's like affecting who you are.

• 1:05:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Which I also think that's okay to say to somebody. I think it's like, we talked with Nedra Tawab, who's gonna come on our show again, about saying to somebody like, I, I'm outside of my depth here. Like, I do think on the other side, like, I didn't receive that poorly. I think that like, you were saying to me, I've genuinely had 100 conversations with you about this. I don't have anything else to say about it. Like, you should seek professional help.

• 1:05:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, I just was like, you're not the same Rena, is where I'm coming at it from. I'll still keep listening to this shit. You know, I don't have anything else to offer, but it's just not this shit. You know what I mean? But it's just like, I think, you know, I don't want to see you go down any further down this hole. But I think about that with a friend of mine who stuck by me through the most toxic relationship, like, just so immature, so toxic, so up and down. It was so volatile and, ugh, I just like, I'm sick over it. And she did that with me for two years. She wasn't the only one. And like, just those friends who stuck by that shit, because that was annoying as hell.

• 1:06:26Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, it is to watch your friend just keep reimbursing themselves in these terrible situations. And you're like, Bitch, this is never gonna get better. This is so bad for you. And for me, it was hard to walk away because he was a wonderful person, a great friend. I mean, he wasn't a toxic person. I was in a toxic situation with him. But like, the amount of times I would say to my friends, like, this is it. I'm done talking, I'm gonna block him. And then they'd be in the car with me and his name would just pop up when he would call me. And like, nobody made me feel terrible about it. And I, I appreciate that. And listen, again, like we said, you're allowed to draw boundaries with somebody and be like, I've been, I've been doing this for years with you and you need to help yourself. You need to put your like, own-

• 1:07:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oxygen mask on.

• 1:07:02Rayna Greenberg?

  I was gonna say, gas mask.

• 1:07:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  But, but it's like, is it a pattern? You know, is this your friend that's does this over and over and over? And it has been your entire friendship? And it's been since middle school? And it's been your whole life? Like, that's a little different than like, everybody does get one. Everybody gets to be really psychotic and volatile and crazy and obsessive one time.

• 1:07:22Rayna Greenberg?

  For three years.

• 1:07:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  For two to three years.

• 1:07:25Rayna Greenberg?

  It was three years for me.

• 1:07:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's where I draw my boundary.

• 1:07:29Rayna Greenberg?

  And then what I did was write a comedy hour about it. So come to my shows and you guys can hear all about it.

• 1:07:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  RainaGreenberg.com. Yeah, I'm glad we talked about the conflict too. And I do want to talk about digital friendships, internet friendships versus in real life friendships. And I don't know, this is an interesting conversation because I think it's like, you do need to be a good friend online, but that can't be the only way you communicate. Oh, well, it can be. You can have internet friends, for sure. I feel like I just have people that I'm just like DM friends with, but they're not invited to my wedding. Yeah, exactly. So I had screenshot something that, when I was seeing a lot of this content, that said, unpopular opinion. I think it's weird behavior when you don't interact with anything your friends post on social media. It takes two seconds to show your friends' support, especially when you see it. Watching everything and not

• 1:08:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  engaging gives nosey and hater energy. I don't think that's an unpopular opinion at all. I think, hype your friends. I saw another post that said, if you were trying to become an influencer, like, that is so cringe, admittedly. It's fucking cringe to try to be an influencer. Like, it's not an insult, just, we know it is.

• 1:08:34Rayna Greenberg?

  You guys, you stuff, it's cringe.

• 1:08:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And you're, the real friends are the ones who are like, gonna hype you in those like, cringe moments when you're trying to do a thing. You know, I just think it's so, like, like your friend's stuff, leave comments, like, why, why are you not? I mean, again, when all the Mormon wives didn't engage with Taylor Frankie Paul after she hosted the CMA, he's like, she knew something was up. But anyway, I just think that's like an important thing. Like you know that too. You know, the friends that are watching your stuff, but won't ever throw you a like or a comment or a heart emoji.

• 1:09:07Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm just, I'm surprised by the behavior.

• 1:09:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:10Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm not a big commenter all the time. I will say, I just, I get insecure about like, am I being funny enough? And if I don't think something funny, but I could never scroll past something and not like it.

• 1:09:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  I am trying to be a better commenter.

• 1:09:22Rayna Greenberg?

  You are good. I'm not good.

• 1:09:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  I comment on all your stuff.

• 1:09:25Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, because you're funny.

• 1:09:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Because it comes naturally to you. I'm like best friend, but like I am trying to be better at like returning the love. Like also, this doesn't matter to everybody. It's just like, but it does matter to someone who is doing influencer type stuff. Like what we work in media, like I want the comments and the engagement.

• 1:09:42Rayna Greenberg?

  But like, even if you're not influencer, I put this on the internet. So people would tell me that I am beautiful and amazing and hilarious. And like I, even my friends that aren't influencers, like regular people, I still like to be like, you look beautiful.

• 1:09:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  You're totally right. Yeah, it does. You put it out there. It matters to you. So yes, I take that back completely. We all want to be hyped and we all want to be engaged with and we all want that. So why are you not doing it? If, if you want it, you know, you want it in return. If you're posting. Yes. It's like, why aren't you like hyping your friends? I just, we need to hype our friends.

• 1:10:11Rayna Greenberg?

  I know. Like I posted a whole reel for New Year's and like a couple of the people in that reel did not comment on it. And I'm like, I worked really hard on this for us. And I'd like you to comment on it.

• 1:10:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I guess on the other side of that is mistaking the digital interaction for like a real life interaction, which I don't think they're interchangeable. I don't think it's the same. So I think sometimes people forget to be in person, to make an effort to see somebody because you do feel like you're constantly texting or voice noting or messaging with them. And they do keep us connected. Like I'm so happy. We have the technological advances we have, especially with having nephews. Like I feel like I see them all the time. We FaceTime all the time. I think I cannot see people for months and I don't feel like that. I feel like I've just saw them the other day because of these advances that we have. I think it's also important to remember that like, that still is not a substitute for human interaction.

• 1:11:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. I mean, there's a couple of people that respond to every one of my Instagram stories and that's how we keep our friendship. That's our friendship.

• 1:11:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:12Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, but real people I gotta show up for.

• 1:11:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:14Rayna Greenberg?

  So I mean, I guess so many people are like, well, I want a village. So how can I show up better for other people? I mean, you are constantly reminding me, I can't cancel plans.

• 1:11:25Rayna Greenberg?

  So I

• 1:11:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't even know. That's right.

• 1:11:28Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't cancel plans, but I also have gotten better. Like, our friend once said to me, I can't commit to this. I don't think I'm gonna want to go. And I was like, you could do that. Like, yeah, it's crazy. Like, she set the expectation ahead of time instead of canceling. Like, I've gotten better at saying, like, I don't know if I'm gonna come or want to come. So like, make plans out me. Like, I just want to set the expectation ahead of time, whether I'm gonna come or not, but I don't want to cancel on people.

• 1:11:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I think, again, I don't want to be contradictory here either. I think that know thyself in terms of what you want to do, what you're gonna want to do on the day. Like, we do think when you want to meet people and you want to get out there, we have said, say us to everything. Of course, this doesn't mean you want to stretch yourself too thin, and then that's gonna affect you mentally, emotionally, whatever. It's not that. But it's like, at this point in my life, at this age, I do know what I want to do and what I don't want to do. And we're not talking about milestones and like, special events and weddings and birthdays. We're talking about just plans in general. So I do not want to bail. I don't want to have people count on me. I don't want them to include me in a reservation or pay for me in some way, get me a ticket if I'm gonna bail.

• 1:12:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  So I think that is just, if it is committing to fewer plans, but keeping them, it would be the secret there.

• 1:12:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I've gotten just better at being like, I don't know if I'm gonna want to go to this. But like, I don't, I don't want people to think I flake on them and they can't depend on me. And like, I've had friends like that. And I'm just like, you're just, you're in a different bucket. Like, you're invited to the larger group plans, but I don't feel obligated to show up for you.

• 1:12:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm hmm. Next is use the matrix. The friendship closeness, relationship closeness, event importance matrix to decide. Because again, you, maybe you can go to everything and that's great, and maybe you can. And so that's just a decision you need to make. And I just think it's always comes back to asking yourself, how would you feel?

• 1:13:12Rayna Greenberg?

  And it's never too late to do any of this stuff. Like, I've had seasons in my life where I've just really gotten away from people. I've been really selfish. People haven't heard from me as much, especially when you and I are on tour. It's like, we do two episodes a week. We're on tour. I'm just not that available. And so. I do forget things and I think it's never too late in life to be like, hey, I know I've been a little distant and I'd like to change that. Like, it's okay to acknowledge that. I think people appreciate it.

• 1:13:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  They do. People appreciate honesty and vulnerability. So communicate honesty is at the top of every list of how to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. And of course, you don't want to be this person that blows in and out and is just like, they're absent and they come in and apologize and it's this toxic cycle. But again, everybody gets a pass. You know, people get chances to redeem themselves and you're allowed to be like, I know I was a bad friend and I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you. I had this happen with a friend. I felt like I wasn't a good friend to him when he was going through something and we were moving and I had my own shit going on. And it wasn't that I just didn't check in with him at all, but I just wasn't really there in the way that I would typically be for a friend. And when I saw him in person, but months later, maybe even a year later, I

• 1:14:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  brought it up and he was like, I did feel like you weren't there for me and I didn't need you like checking in on me every single day, but I was really going through it and I consider you a close friend. And I did feel like you, you weren't really there for me and I, it just broke my heart and I was like, I'm vowing to be a better friend because it's, it wasn't someone that's like one of my best, best friends, you know? Like, we do put friends in different tiers and different boxes and their importance in our life and how we prioritize them. And so I just was like, this is someone that means a lot to me and I want to be better. And we're great.

• 1:14:51Rayna Greenberg?

  You are. I think people understand that. Like, and again, like what our friend said previously where she was like, I think people are gonna leave me if I bring up a conflict or something. And it's like, I think you guys worked through it because you're both rational people that can look at things in context. People that can't do that, I don't know. Right at the end of the road with those kind of people.

• 1:15:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Again, it's like, if he would have said, like, I just think you're a shitty selfish person, I would have been like, okay, I don't think this friendship goes from here. That's not how we, I didn't think we were doing that at this age. You know, like, so there's that too. You know, it goes both ways.

• 1:15:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  When you treat people how you want to be treated.

• 1:15:22Rayna Greenberg?

  I just think like to have a village, you, obviously it must be a villager. Like, deep connections require a lot of cultivation. It requires showing up for people and communicating how you feel and being there when someone needs you. And it's never too late. You can always get back there, but like, deep connection, it requires commitment.

• 1:15:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I have been reading about people who are hyper independent and They just don't want to let anyone do anything for them and they pride themselves on being super independent. This was an article we had pulled from Betches that you had listed. And it's just like, this isn't to become codependent or become more needy than feels natural, but it is like, let people show up for you. Let people help you. People genuinely want to. This stuff makes them feel good. I don't know. I just feel like high functioning, successful women, for example, can have a tendency to be like, I don't, I got this, you know, and they, they don't want to inconvenience someone. But that's just kind of how friendship works is you show up for each other. You do stuff for each other.

• 1:16:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. I mean, I definitely like, feel like I'm really independent. I can do everything for myself. There's also apps on apps on apps that like, will talk to anybody. Everything can just come to us, be delivered for us, done for us. But I emotionally never forget to lean on everybody all around me.

• 1:16:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  But the article mentioned that too, is that we have become so independent, but also the apps have allowed us to as well. I mean, in the olden days, like if you were recovering from something, or you couldn't leave the house to go get food, like the village would bring the food over. You wouldn't just doordash it. So some of those things, we have to like, let our friends show up for us in that way.

• 1:16:56Rayna Greenberg?

  I really love people show up for me. I just feel like I'm really lucky. You and I are surrounded by like, really wonderful women. And I've had some seasons in my life where I've like, really, really fucking needed it and been going through it. And I've been really sad and angry. And those times pass. And when I'm out of it and I don't need as much, those are the times that I prioritize checking in with other people more and being like, how are you? How are you feeling? Cause sometimes you're just so in it, you can't check in with other people. And that's okay too. We all have seasons where we just have to be like, really selfish.

• 1:17:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. So those are some tips. And hopefully if you've gotten this far and you're like, how can I be better? You have picked up some of those things along the way.

• 1:17:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. Well, here's to your village in 2026.

• 1:17:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. Here's to making more friends and just going out more and leaning on people and having more meaningful experiences with other people in 2026.

• 1:17:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. Well, you guys can find us at girlsgottaeat.com, girlsgottae podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I am Ash Hess. Raina is Rayna Greenberg. Your tour tickets at rainagreenberg.com. Tour starts in two weeks.

• 1:17:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Two weeks.

• 1:17:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  Two weeks. And subscribe on YouTube. Share this episode with a friend, maybe? Who needs to be a better friend? I'm gonna slip in the link and we will see you guys Thursday. Have a great week, guys. Bye.