How Often Are Couples Really Having Sex?

If you've ever wondered – Is my sex life with my partner normal? Should we be having more sex? How much sex is everyone else having? – this episode is for you. We gathered a ton of data from our audience about the stages of their relationships and how often they're having sex. We discuss how your sex life changes when you move in with someone, get married, and have kids, plus we break down the reasons couples aren't doing it and what gets in the way most. And we also talk about scheduling sex – who's doing this and why, and does it lead to more/better intimacy? Before we get into the topic, we're talking about shopping for Indian attire for Ashley's wedding, why Rayna crashed out right before we recorded, and an update on Azul's teeth. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for more. Thank you to our partners this week: Julie Care: Find Julie at CVS, Walgreens, Walmart, Target, Amazon and GoPuff across all 50 states. No age restrictions and no ID required. Wix: Go to https://wix.com to start building your website today. Skims: Get our favorite bras and underwear at https://skims.com/gge. Nutrafol: Get $10 off your first order and free shipping at https://nutrafol.com with code GGE10. Helix: Get 27% off at https://helixsleep.com/gge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  We all want to know, am I normal? Is this normal? Is my relationship healthy? And like, what is everybody else doing?

• 0:22Rayna Greenberg?

  This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back.

• 0:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  What?

• 0:32Rayna Greenberg?

  I caught myself shaving on my face, which I'll tell you.

• 0:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Let's hear it.

• 0:38Rayna Greenberg?

  I tried to destroy my whole body and my face before I left the house today. So first of all, I, you know, I'm like a psycho about you people in my house, like eating, drinking, I won't let red wine in my house. Yeah, walking, anything.

• 0:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  And how dare you?

• 0:51Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm very careful.

• 0:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Come into this house and try to live.

• 0:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Feel alive, but I don't want it. So I, this morning, I've never gotten anything on any of my furniture. I just, nothing. One time I had sex on that white couch and that's it. And even then, I didn't get gum on it. No, I just, I let them come inside of me.

• 1:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:05Rayna Greenberg?

  But this morning, I was eating cold pasta with marinara sauce.

• 1:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  With your hands?

• 1:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, I would be.

• 1:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  I love to eat some tortellini with my hands.

• 1:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh.

• 1:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's nice.

• 1:21Rayna Greenberg?

  It is nice.

• 1:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Little slimy little fingers in there.

• 1:23Rayna Greenberg?

  I was doing penne and it's a little marginally harder than a tortellini.

• 1:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  I would start with that. Continue.

• 1:28Rayna Greenberg?

  You have tortellini.

• 1:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  I got in trouble for doing that.

• 1:30Rayna Greenberg?

  In your home?

• 1:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  I got in trouble for doing that in my fiance's car, eating penne.

• 1:35Rayna Greenberg?

  You love to stick your fingers into somebody else's food. You love your fingers in food.

• 1:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  It was my food.

• 1:40Rayna Greenberg?

  You're always like, pinch your fingers.

• 1:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  I traveled with my penne.

• 1:44Rayna Greenberg?

  No matter what.

• 1:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Across the country. It was in the overhead bin.

• 1:48Rayna Greenberg?

  It's disgusting. It's so weird quality.

• 1:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, I feel like I need to just, I don't want to cut your story off.

• 1:55Rayna Greenberg?

  People that bring food to the airport are so weird to me, like homemade food.

• 2:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Tracy Ellis Ross says she will not eat airplane food.

• 2:02Rayna Greenberg?

  Because what's worse?

• 2:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Your nice home cooked meal or the airplane food, they heat it up at 20,000 feet in a microwave.

• 2:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Mentally, it's.

• 2:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  But don't judge bringing your own food. Our queen, Tracy Ellis Ross, was like, I will not, I bring my own shit.

• 2:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Listen, that's better because it's probably full of seed oils and it's bad for you and it's heated up in aluminum and plastic.

• 2:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  Thank you.

• 2:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Bad for you.

• 2:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Thank you, exactly.

• 2:26Rayna Greenberg?

  People tell you you should never drink water or coffee on an airplane.

• 2:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 2:29Rayna Greenberg?

  No, I, my, my elbow hit the fork, the pasta went flying, tomato sauce all over my kitchen stools, which are tanned.

• 2:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Reno, stop. I shuddered.

• 2:38Rayna Greenberg?

  Marinara sauce in little penne shapes all over.

• 2:44Rayna Greenberg?

  They're like, it's linen, it's hard to clean. You have the same bar stools that I have. Can you imagine? Little penne shaped marinara.

• 2:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm picturing the way the sauce is flying through the air in slow mo and landing on the cream colored bar stools.

• 2:57Rayna Greenberg?

  12 little pennes covered in marinara. So I'm like, motherfucker. So I get up, I'm like covering it in OxiClean, I'm scrubbing, I'm blotting, I'm like, whatever. I moved that chair away to like clean it more later. I sit back down to do episode prep and I punch my coffee off of the counter onto the other stool and coffee just explodes all over the other.

• 3:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  How are you here?

• 3:20Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't know.

• 3:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  How did you make it through the morning?

• 3:23Rayna Greenberg?

  So brave. I'm so brave.

• 3:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  This feels like this would be the end for you. She died.

• 3:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Losing her mind, crashing out about her home.

• 3:34Rayna Greenberg?

  So I don't know what's gonna happen when I get home. Everything is covered in OxiClean, has been scrubbed. Like, it's really terrifying. I don't even want to go home.

• 3:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  This was gonna be a story about you cutting your face shaving.

• 3:43Rayna Greenberg?

  I did that too.

• 3:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, that pales in comparison now.

• 3:46Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I don't even care about that anymore. But also, I'm not like a, I'm not, I'm not a clumsy person. I don't, I like, I'm, I have control of my body. It's not that big. I don't have long limbs. I'm very in control. I didn't, well, I drank last night, but like not a lot. And I'm not hungover. I'm like clear headed. I got a good night's sleep. There's no reason why I was so clumsy. And then, yeah, I used a tinkle on my face. Because I have like a lot of peach fuzz. Actually, if I had like black hair, it might be a problem.

• 4:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  So if you guys aren't tinkling, you should get on it. It's dermaplaning. Some places will try to charge you for this. You can do it at home. I mean, I'm sure they do something different when you're paying for it at some sort of

• 4:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Maybe.

• 4:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  like spa. But you just get, they're called tinkle. You get like a three pack on Amazon. Some other brands sell like nicer ones, but all you need is the tinkles. And you just shave your face. And it really is like an exfoliator. I mean, men get to do this all the time. They just get to shave their shit.

• 4:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Thank you for bringing up men. So I, I usually get a little peach fuzz off of like my jawline.

• 4:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  We all do. And your makeup goes on smoother when you shave and dermaplane. And don't get all twisted up thinking you're gonna grow faster or darker.

• 4:49Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't.

• 4:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  I guess it could happen, but it shouldn't happen. And once you start doing it, you will notice a difference and you will notice other people's.

• 5:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  I feel like I have a friend and I don't know how to tell her, girl, you gotta shave your face.

• 5:05Rayna Greenberg?

  It's so blond haired people don't know. We don't know. Cause we have like so much, we, it's just, it's blond. If I had dark hair, it would be a problem. We just, we don't know. I was not aware of it until a couple of years ago.

• 5:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  You can't feel the hair on your face?

• 5:18Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm just not aware. I just, I thought that's just how we're supposed to be.

• 5:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Which is also fine. Whatever you want to do is totally fine. I mean, you know, I don't, I don't shave my thighs.

• 5:25Rayna Greenberg?

  It's crazy. But, okay, so I nicked my face today. Because I was like, how does one shave along their jawline? And I don't really have much of a jawline to begin with. I don't have like a really defined jawline. We're like working around. So what I don't understand is like, men who are so incapable of most things, how are men figuring this out?

• 5:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, the angles are hard. I've cut my face before.

• 5:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you lift up your chin? I was lifting up the skin and kind of going down.

• 5:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  I guess I don't really, you know, I have a few rogue chin hairs and I pluck those, but I'm not like tinkling along my jawline, I guess. I don't know.

• 5:59Rayna Greenberg?

  I tickled the jaw.

• 6:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  The way of one of our stockbrokers from next door just is, he's in the room, basically. He was so close to our door on his headset.

• 6:11Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, you were changing your bra. He changed it like three times. I was like, we should get him in here.

• 6:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, all right, let's get into it.

• 6:15Rayna Greenberg?

  I just was amazed that like men are able to do this because it's a really hard skill to learn, shaving your face. And they're not walking around covered in cuts, but they like can't find things in the refrigerator.

• 6:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  They do things well that they care about.

• 6:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Got it.

• 6:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  So that's that. What is it? Weaponized incompetence.

• 6:30Rayna Greenberg?

  Nailed it.

• 6:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  So they can shave their face, but, oh, weird. I couldn't, couldn't find my jeans that are in the dryer. Oh, where are my keys are missing?

• 6:38Rayna Greenberg?

  Where's the ketchup in the fridge?

• 6:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Where's the, yeah.

• 6:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, we're going to thank some of our partners and get right into it. Juilli Care, girls, girls everywhere can find Juilli at CVS, Walgreens, Walmart, Target, Amazon, and GoPuff across all 50 states. No age restrictions and no ID required ever. We'll talk to you guys more about it. And Wix, go to wix.com and start building your website. And finally, Skims, get our favorite bras and underwear at skims.com/gge.

• 7:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  And thank you to Nutriful. Get $10 off your first order and free shipping at nutrafol.com with code GGE10. And Helix, get 27% off at helixsleep.com/gge. Okay, so a few things we want to talk about. I wanted to give an update on Azul's teeth. So I had mentioned before that the vet had wanted to pull a bunch of his teeth and they called me when he was under anesthesia getting his teeth cleaned. And I just felt like I couldn't make that decision. And I wanted to talk to Dr. Lisa Littman, who was my vet and friend in New York, and just chat with her and show her the x-rays and just make sure it was the right decision. And we have decided to pull them.

• 7:47Rayna Greenberg?

  My god.

• 7:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Next Tuesday. So you guys get one more week to really take in Azul's teeth. If you're listening now, just take the time to mourn them and say goodbye to them this week.

• 8:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Did you think about the wedding when you picked the date? Like what you want him to look like in the?

• 8:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. I've been thinking about the wedding. Like, I keep looking at his face and being like, he's not going to look like this for the wedding because obviously he's going to be in the wedding. But.

• 8:08Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, but like big changes in the house. You'll be a wife and he will be a toothless wonder.

• 8:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Stop, Raina. He's only losing like 10.

• 8:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  He still has plenty. So the thing is, he's always had fucked up teeth. I mean, right when I got him, when I rescued him, we had to pull a couple and he's missing some and they were kind of like broken and decayed and but the bottom teeth, he's supposed to have six incisors there. He has four and they stick out. He has an underbite. You guys have seen it. It's like his whole look. It's like really defines the way he looks and he just looks so, so cute. But those are all gonna go.

• 8:42Rayna Greenberg?

  Azul, do you want to get up and show your face to the people?

• 8:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Baby boy. And I love my vet here and I've just talked to Dr. Lisa about it and she saw the x-rays and she talked to one of her other vet friends who's a dental specialist and she confirmed that like teeth are one of the main things in pets that cause them discomfort, that they can't really obviously show you or tell you. And of course, there can be infection and disease, but just in general, that they can really be uncomfortable. And she told me a few stories about clients, pets, cats and dogs that she had that just like changed their life, getting their, their teeth pulled because they really are uncomfortable and it breaks my heart to think that he could be uncomfortable in any way. And of course, I always want to make the best decisions for his health and he doesn't seem like he's in pain ever. But

• 9:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  if he has more energy and just seems even happier than he is now, it's gonna be like, I'll be happy, but I'll be so sad that it, it, it didn't happen earlier.

• 9:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Don't think about it.

• 9:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. So anyway, if this is something you guys are struggling with, I mean, Azul has like a little girlfriend in the park and I talked to his mom and they like see each other in the mornings and she told me that she had to pull her dog's teeth and she was like a different dog afterwards.

• 9:51Rayna Greenberg?

  I can't wait to meet new Azul.

• 9:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  And it might be fine.

• 9:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Ten teeth down.

• 9:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Ten teeth down. And you don't know for sure. I mean, Azul's happy. Like he has energy. He's really like a happy dog. Like I wouldn't think anything. He eats fine. He chews on treats and toys fine.

• 10:05Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm just Dewey was trying to kill people.

• 10:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, like Dewey, you would think Dewey was really angry about something. So anyway, some people had asked me for the update and that is the update. So next Tuesday, the 26th, I think, and he's gonna go under again and lose those teeth. And I, I honestly am looking forward to it. I, he's gonna have a new look. He's gonna be just as cute, but he's gonna feel better. We're gonna do like a photo shoot and just make sure we really capture. I may have a million photos of Azul, but.

• 10:30Rayna Greenberg?

  Get some more. Get some goodbye photo shoot.

• 10:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's the story.

• 10:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Say goodbye to being single. Say goodbye to his teeth.

• 10:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, so that's the tea.

• 10:39Rayna Greenberg?

  We had a really special experience this weekend. We went shopping for outfits for your wedding.

• 10:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, for the Indian part of the wedding.

• 10:46Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 10:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  So we went shopping for the clothes and we went to Kina. And Kina is where I've gotten all my other Indian looks for all the other Indian weddings that I've been to prior. And they're just the go to. And it's like the most beautiful clothing, the highest quality. There's a large range of price points and like really anything you're looking for. The site is really easy to navigate. So I'd always known them and that's where I got all my stuff. And I, when I posted about them before, I started chatting with the owner. Her name's Aisha. And I was like, I'll go in there and get the looks for the wedding and brought you. And they have one store and it's in my neighborhood in Santa Monica.

• 11:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  And we went there and it was just such a wonderful experience. I mean, they are really the best in the game when it comes to this type of clothing. They're the best ones doing it.

• 11:34Rayna Greenberg?

  I just didn't realize the range. I mean, you go in the store, everything is bejeweled. There's, there's tassels and jewelry. And there's a million colors and they just do it really differently in that culture than Western culture. And they pulled all these looks for us and like you can wear like a crop top to your wedding, which I love. And there's like different lengths and giant skirts and beading and there's so much jewelry and they can do different. I mean, they're gonna do some custom stuff for us.

• 12:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  They're the best. And all of our guests who are coming were directing them to shop there too and just browse the site. And there's a bunch of stuff that's ready to ship, but there's also custom. You put in your sizes and it's like really made to fit you. And it takes a little bit longer, of course. They do men's too. Now my fiance is looking on there for maybe his tux for like the wedding wedding. Cause they do some of that too. I mean, they really have it all. And a funny like full circle moment is this woman named Sri, who she works at the boutique where I got my wedding dress. She also works there. So I got randomly assigned to her when I went wedding dress shopping. And when she told me she also works at Kina, I'm like, this is crazy. So she was there. So the woman who picked out my wedding dress was also there helping style us with the Indian looks. And that was just so special. They got us a cake.

• 12:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  It said, "Girls gotta get married." It was like the best day. We just kind of like took her to that store for an hour. I posted on my story, we'll put it on YouTube too. Like Raina and I came out from both of our dressing rooms and did like a first look. And that's the first time I've ever seen you in anything like that, obviously. You've never been to an Indian wedding or worn any sort of outfits like that.

• 13:03Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I loved it. It was amazing. It just was like the best day. And I love Shree. Shree spent a lot of time with me naked yesterday.

• 13:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, Shree's the one who like measured. Now she's measured me twice. So she has just been all over my body.

• 13:15Rayna Greenberg?

  They take, and she said they do even more than like your traditional wedding bridal gown store. They do like 15 different measurements.

• 13:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 13:21Rayna Greenberg?

  I was just butt naked because I wore like a little jumpsuit, a little romper. I didn't have underwear or a bra. And she was like, I stare at people's boobs all day. It doesn't even like matter. I don't even see them anymore. And I was like, but what do you think of them?

• 13:32Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, I love her so much.

• 13:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  We chose the same designer.

• 13:36Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 13:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mahima Mahajan is the designer.

• 13:39Rayna Greenberg?

  It made me really happy also because our friend Anushka, who also knows them very well, she immediately recognized the designer.

• 13:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Recognized it, yeah.

• 13:45Rayna Greenberg?

  And has jewelry for us and everything.

• 13:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, so I went a little bit different direction than I thought I was going to. And I'm just like so excited. And I came out, I was like, this is the one like I always know. And so if you guys want to check them out, I mean, people DM me all the time. They know that I've been to Indian weddings in the past and they're like, I have one coming up. Like where do I go? I'm like, Kynah, Kynah, Kynah, Kynah, Kynah, Kynah, Kynah. Like, you know, I just think you can find whatever you want. Even you can just find inspo and that's like the go-to. They have everything you would ever want and as like formal or as casual even. Like you can get a caftan or a pantsuit, like whatever you want to do and for men too. Their website is shopkynah.com. So shop K Y N A H dot com. Shop it up and you know, just know we sent you.

• 14:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Shop it up.

• 14:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I've just been really thinking about all the people that I've gotten to work with as I plan this wedding and all these women. And yes, there's a few men involved. I mean, my DJ is a man. I'm being a little cagey about him. I'm going to talk about him later. I'm so excited. I just don't want to reveal it quite yet. I don't know. But I'm like so, so excited. But it's a lot of women and it's a lot of women that Jaclyn, my wedding planner, who we're going to have on soon, has found for me in hair and makeup and photographer. And then of course being With these women yesterday and it's just, I felt so supported and surrounded by all these like badass women and my hairstylist and my makeup artist, they know each other, they work together, like they're gonna be in the suite with us, just getting ready and I'm just loving it.

• 15:11Rayna Greenberg?

  The process.

• 15:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I'm loving the process and meeting all these women and like talking, I mean, they're doing my hair, they're doing my makeup, they're picking out outfits, like we're talking about the photography, I'm just like getting to know them. You have this like special bond, they're gonna be with you on this special day and that's just been a really cool thing.

• 15:27Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm glad you feel like that because I think a lot of people feel like I plan this wedding, I put so much energy into it, it's over in five hours, you know, and I think it's important to remind yourself to enjoy the process and enjoy the people that you're around because you're gonna spend so much money and so much time and it's like over in like the blink of an eye.

• 15:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, totally. It's just like, I don't know, it feel, it feels special. I mean, I credit Jaclyn from The Wedding Plan and Co., we'll have her on again, you guys can check her out, I've talked about her at length, like finding these people that she knew I would vibe with and just like even when I'm working with them, the conversations we're having, I'm like, oh, you are it and I'm just like, you gotta come to the wedding, you gotta stay. And I'm having a really hard time hanging out with people, like friends that aren't invited to the wedding and like not inviting them to the wedding and being like, wait, like you gotta come to the wedding, like.

• 16:12Rayna Greenberg?

  We have friends you didn't invite to the wedding?

• 16:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, we were out with our, like a newer friend, Hallie, on Saturday night and she's asking me about the wedding and I'm like, it's weird, you're not coming to the wedding, like I'm having these moments with, I mean, I can't invite everyone I've ever known in my life.

• 16:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, that's fine.

• 16:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  So you're like, you're like out and you're like, yeah, you gotta come.

• 16:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, it's an invitation for them to try to suck up to you.

• 16:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like I keep being like, no, you gotta come to the wedding.

• 16:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Like the closer you get, the closer you get, why not? You're like, there's seats.

• 16:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, like that's how it might be. It might be like a month out and I check my RSVPs, I'm like, you snooze, you lose.

• 16:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Wait, I just, I keep laughing, I have this very funny epiphany last night, I was gonna ask you and I wonder if you're gonna be like, yeah, Rana, no shit, but I, I was like, on my balcony last night, I was like. I was like thinking about all these people that are coming, like all these people that we don't get to see all the time and your family and people that maybe we see like just when we travel on the road. I was like, Ashley's wedding is gonna be like so fun. Do you like stop to think about how fun the wedding is gonna be or you just enjoy the process? I, last night I think was the first time I actually paused and was like, this is gonna be the most fun.

• 17:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  The most fun. And then I'll kind of like forget about people that are coming. And then Giulio just texted me today. He's like, how's wedding planning going? We can't wait. Like just people like that. I'm like, we're gonna lose our minds. And then I will just think about the DJ. I play this one.

• 17:27Rayna Greenberg?

  You two are really excited about the DJ.

• 17:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  We were fans of him. I'll, I will reveal all, whatever, we'll get to it. And like how it all came about. And I'll like watch some of his reels and like, that's gonna be the fucking wedding. Like he has this one like viral reel of him like mixing this song and the crowd went fucking crazy. And I'm like, that is gonna be our fucking wedding. I'm gonna lose my mind.

• 17:48Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm just, I'm laughing so hard because we keep doing these little things, like to plan for the wedding, like to go wedding dress shopping. You're gonna go on your bachelorette. And like these little things that are fun. And I'm like, oh yeah, we're doing this to like have a wedding.

• 18:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's gonna be the best fucking party.

• 18:04Rayna Greenberg?

  I really am laughing a lot because I really was like, this is gonna be fun as shit.

• 18:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's gonna be so fun.

• 18:08Rayna Greenberg?

  I keep forgetting people that are gonna be there and like remembering.

• 18:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm gonna feel really proud. I hope it's as fun as we think it's gonna be. And I will feel so proud because that was the goal. Like I've been working so hard on this to have it feel a certain way, not feel a certain way. And if it really does end up how I have been envisioning, I'm just gonna be like, man, I did that. And yes, I did it with a planner and all these people, but it's just like, the vibes have been the top thing that's been so important to me. And what I don't want and how, what I do want. And I gotta talk to a CO2 vendor.

• 18:47Rayna Greenberg?

  You're gonna cry at the wedding.

• 18:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Wait, at the ceremony?

• 18:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm not going to give this away. I'll tell you after.

• 18:57Rayna Greenberg?

  Can we talk about it before it happens? Like, at the ceremony, there's going to be cryo in front of me. I just need to know about it. And maybe you give me the button.

• 19:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, reception, reception.

• 19:05Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 19:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  The button. I now pronounce you man and wife.

• 19:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Could you imagine the photo ops? All right. We'll work it in.

• 19:14Rayna Greenberg?

  All right, we'll think about it.

• 19:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Add it to the tab.

• 19:17Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't know what I'm going to live for after this. We'll think about it.

• 19:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  And just one more thing. I announced last week, my Philly show and my taping for New York. Philly sold out so quickly, sold out that day. So we added a second show. That's going to be on Wednesday, September 24th. And you guys can grab those tickets if they're still available. So ashhess.com. And there are still some tickets available for the taping, special filming in New York as well. And then, of course, ending in Boston. And there's still some tickets. But just wanted to announce that I did add a second Philly show. Thank you guys so much. Just really swooped those tickets up. So ashhess.com. Go Birds.

• 19:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, so we're just going to thank a couple of our partners. And then we're going to get into this episode, which we are so excited to do. So we have a new partner and it's Julie Kair. So thank you to them. As a card carrying girl's girl, I have something to tell you. This summer is not only about being sexy, it's about having a better morning after. So you heard that right. You might be waking up in your own bed or someone else's. They may or may not have navy blue sheets. That's none of my business, but that doesn't matter because Julie's got you covered. The Julie Morning After Pill uses the same trusted gyno recommended ingredients as Plan B to delay ovulation and prevent pregnancy when taken up to three days after unprotected sex. So here's the thing, if there's no egg, there's no fertilization. And if there's no fertilization, there's no pregnancy. It's called science, people. The earlier you use it, the better it works.

• 20:34Rayna Greenberg?

  And when you need it, Julie should be your Plan A because it's more affordable than the leading competitor. Think of the savings as another drink on Julie. And the best part is that it's so easy to use. All it takes is one pill and you're ready to get on with your life. The Morning After Pill cannot end an existing pregnancy, but it won't affect future fertility whatsoever. So if you want to have kids down the line, that's cool too. Julie knows better than anyone that sex happens and that never means you're screwed. Like many sexually active women. I've taken the morning after pill before and not only was it a breeze, but it was a major relief that I was able to make the choice for myself. So, girls, girls everywhere can find Julie at CVS, Walgreens, Walmart, Target, Amazon, and GoPuff across all 50 states. No age restrictions and no ID required ever.

• 21:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  I love that.

• 21:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Me too.

• 21:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  We've all been there, so I love that they're making it so accessible. And maybe you were in the bed the night before. You had a good time in your, in your bed and that's, you gotta hit Julie up in the morning.

• 21:29Rayna Greenberg?

  I was like, mattress comes next.

• 21:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. So Helix, Raina and I love our Helix mattresses. We have had them for years. I've lost track of how many years it's been now and we have multiple mattresses. We sleep on them. We have them in our guest rooms. I have one at my parents' house and I, my brother made sure he had one. Anywhere I go, I really want to have them. I wish I could just bring them on the road to me and sleep in them everywhere I am. Every hotel, that would be great, but I sleep on the Midnight Lux. I also have a Moonlight Lux and I used to have one of those in New York. And I have some friends, they have the Dusk Lux. And there are the standard Helix mattresses. There is the Lux collection and then there are the Elite. So that's the, the top, top of course. And you're just going to get in line, take a little short quiz and they are going to recommend the best mattress for you to have the best sleep of your life. We all sleep differently.

• 22:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  We sleep on our side or our back or our stomach or we roll around. Some of us sleep hot. I do, you know, some people have back pain and you sleep with another person and they sleep differently than you and they can address that as well. It's going to improve your sleep. I've never slept better. I mean, when I'm on the road and I come home, I just cannot wait to get into bed. I have trouble getting out of bed because my bed is so comfortable. We tell everybody it's such an upgrade. You guys can really get your Helix mattress and have the absolute best sleep of your life. So go to helixsleep.com slash GGE for 27% off site wide. That is helixsleep.com slash GGE for 27% off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you. Helixsleep.com slash GGE.

• 22:59Rayna Greenberg?

  So I was talking to my dad the other day and he was saying he wants to start this new business idea and he wishes that like AI could just build him a website. And he was like, do you think that's possible? And I was like, yeah, I got you. Wix, wix.com. So go there, do it. And if you guys are starting a business, I know a lot of people's barrier to entry is just building a website in general. So. Wix.com, you just go on, you answer a few questions and you get a beautiful business-ready site literally in minutes. They can also put the website creation at your fingertips. So they do have the AI site builder, but if you prefer a template, they have over 2,000 designer-made templates that are fully customizable. The interface is super easy to use and fun and much more so than other ones I've used. It's really, really intuitive and user-friendly. You can drag and drop stuff, which I find really great. And there's all these AI tools,

• 23:43Rayna Greenberg?

  obviously they'll make it easier for you. But if you're looking to sell products or services, schedule appointments, et cetera, Wix.com has you guys covered. To build solutions, no add-ons required. And they've been pioneering website tech for 20 years now. So they are the GOAT of this. Ready to create your own website? Go to Wix.com. That's Wix.com. Start building your website today. Thanks to Wix for supporting our show.

• 24:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, hot topic. We have been so excited to do this episode. We are talking about how often people are having sex.

• 24:14Rayna Greenberg?

  We have gotten asked this a lot in interviews, on other podcasts, like how often are people having sex? And it feels like a really loaded question because there's so many factors, like how long have you been together? Do you live together? Do you have children? What's your age? What's your sex drive like? So it's hard to really quantify how often should you be having sex because it's tremendously loaded.

• 24:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I love to see the Google searches on this and people asking these types of questions, even in ChatGPT. I came up with this idea to do this episode out of curiosity for myself and thinking about my own sex life with my fiance and knowing that, not a hot take, but if I'm thinking about it, so many other women are. And we all want to know, am I normal? Is this normal? Is my relationship healthy? And like, what is everybody else doing? And, you know, we just want to start by saying that sex is a relationship. It's frequency, it's importance, it's correlation to the strength of the relationship is so individual.

• 25:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  And any TikTok therapist or relationship expert who tries to make these like black and white rules or tell you this is how it should be, this is how it shouldn't be, don't do this, do this is a fraud. And no one knows that better than us. And every single expert from Esther Perel to Ian Kerner, we've had all these experts on will tell you that there are no rules.

• 25:37Rayna Greenberg?

  There's, you know, definitely common themes that we saw in terms of like, what does X factor do to your relationship? So how long you been together, once you've been together, get married, have kids. But everybody sort of reports how important this is to me differently, and how do I prioritize this in the relationship? And I think of myself as a very sexual person, really hypersexual. And the three people I've lived with, I've had very different sexual experiences in all three of those relationships.

• 26:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, we're gonna really break this down, but it's so case by case. People can have a really healthy, stable, loving intimate relationship that don't have sex very often. And people can have this, that type of relationship that do have sex very often. And then people can have relationships that are obviously so unhealthy, so volatile, and they're fucking every day. I mean, it's just, doesn't have to be an indicator.

• 26:31Rayna Greenberg?

  So what we found, and we will tell you guys, but you guys are so incredible. We say it time and time again. We posted a dozen, like two dozen polls and question slides, and we have responses from 25,000 people, which I feel like emotional about that, that you guys are just open about your lives, and it is such a sensitive subject. But what I found overwhelmingly was that people sort of measure their relationship by what is our intimacy like? What is our partnership like? And there's different ways to build intimacy outside of penetrative sex, oral sex, and sex in general, and that being a marker for, for sex. And adding sex incrementally, like, it sort of reminded me of when they say, like, you, up to a certain dollar amount, like, once your basic needs are covered,

• 27:13Rayna Greenberg?

  once you've like a house and clothing, a little bit spending money for like going out. Small increases in the amount of money you make, or even big increases, don't change how happy you are.

• 27:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  I love that metaphor.

• 27:23Rayna Greenberg?

  And the more I saw with this, you could say like, I wish we were having sex five times a week, but small increases in sex actually don't, research-wise, show that you will be happier in your relationship.

• 27:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I think there is obviously such a difference between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. And there's also a difference between physical, sexual intimacy and physical, non-sexual intimacy. And just the closeness that you have with your partner in terms of touching, hugging, cuddling, that's not any sort of foreplay. I guess you could put it in the foreplay bucket, but I mean, things that are not sex or leading to sex that day.

• 28:05Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 28:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I think about this a lot. And, you know, my personal experience is obviously that we were long distance. We were seeing each other maybe an average of twice a month, sometimes three weeks between, but then sometimes way more, like a bunch of weekends in a row around the holidays and spending all that time together. And I would go to Boston, he would come to LA. Obviously, we'd stay in each other's respective homes. We traveled a lot. He would meet us out on tour. We were in a lot of hotels. We had a lot of hotel sex, a lot of vacation sex. And when it was new, I mean, we were having sex three times a day, you know, morning, noon, and night. Like, Cabo was just, was red-faced the whole time. And, you know, then it was a little less than that, but it was still a ton. And it was less frequent due to being long distance, but it was so much more condensed.

• 28:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  And he moved in, and of course, we weren't having sex three times a day. Obviously. I mean, I guess that's not, it could be, I don't know, that's not, that's obvious. But it's funny to me because we do have sex mostly on the weekends, which feels like that's how we were when we were long distance. Like, it makes me wonder if that is what we did before, and so that's what we still do. And like, we'll throw in like, a weekly session here and there, and you know, sometimes we'll have a doubleheader in a day, and sometimes we'll go, maybe nearly a week. And I love our relationship, and I'll speak on it a little bit more, but I don't know. Was it a concern when we moved in? I mean, it was a concern before. We have so much information, and what moving in and that type of familiarity and like,

• 29:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  lack of mystery in separation can really... hinder the eroticism and I don't want to get into like a rut, you know, and I didn't, surely didn't feel like anything was wrong or I wasn't unsatisfied, but I was just like, we're not having sex all the time like we did when we were long distance, but that's not our life now.

• 29:56Rayna Greenberg?

  I think that all couples, I mean, unless you are so outside the norm, and we will get through all the stats, but all couples have that moment where they hit the change point where they go from spontaneous desire to responsive desire.

• 30:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 30:08Rayna Greenberg?

  And we've talked a lot about this with Dr. Ian Kern, and this is a very common theory, but spontaneous desire happens a lot in the beginning of a relationship. You're just horny for each other all the time, spontaneously. You just walk into a room, they're like, you're like, we're fucking.

• 30:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 30:18Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, and then responsive desire is I need, I need to be coached into this a little more. I need an environment where I feel horny. I need to feel intimately connected to you. And all couples hit that shift where like, you're just not, it's not so new anymore. And life has taken over and you've moved in together. It's not so sexy anymore. And all couples go like, oh my God, is this over?

• 30:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, we've fallen off a cliff.

• 30:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. And are we, are we a statistic now? Do we not have sex anymore? Do we not want each other? And I really enjoyed the answers from our listeners who talked about what moving in together meant for them and what getting married meant. Cause yes, sex diminishes when you do those things, but you find other ways to have intimacy. And I'd be curious, a lot of people that say like, we're not having enough sex, if you also feel desired by your partner in other ways and if that would make up for it.

• 31:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 31:02Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, do you feel appreciated? Does somebody tell you that you look pretty today, that they're proud of you? Do you feel a deep intimacy? Like, is that really what's missing? Rather than I need more penetrative sex?

• 31:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally. Yeah. We'll talk about all of it. And it is, it's, it's interesting because I still support people deciding to live apart. Like, I'm not, I'm the same person I was. I just so happen to live with somebody. But I'm just like, I get it. If that's what makes your relationship healthy, but you move in together, there's less spontaneity just by nature. You're sharing a bedroom. It's not as many bust into the hotel or wherever you are and rip each other's clothes off. We still get to do that. We still make sure that happens from time to time. It's just like not as frequent. So should we just get into some of these stats?

• 31:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. So we started off the statistics by just saying like, how long have you Guys been together, married, living together or not. So no shock here. Couples have been together less than six months. You're fucking a lot.

• 31:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  And you live in the same city. So we kind of excluded long distance relationships because they're really going to skew everything. No slight to them. We both have been in them. So it's just kind of like they were going to skew the data a little bit. And I think long distance relationships, you can kind of assume when you're together, you're fucking.

• 32:10Rayna Greenberg?

  You're fucking continuously.

• 32:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. And if not, that's okay too. Whatever you've got going on. But anyway, okay. So yes, new couple, you live in the same city or town, you do not live together. So newly dating.

• 32:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, newly dating. So the predominant answer was three to four times a week. Very closely. Second is one to two times a week. You guys are fucking a lot.

• 32:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 32:28Rayna Greenberg?

  This is a new relationship, new bodies, new stuff to do.

• 32:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  After that was five plus times per week, 13%. When are you, that's a lot of, that's, you're not living together. So that's, you're, you gotta, you're seeing each other a lot unless you're kind of doing like three here, two here in a day, five times in a weekend, which is very possible.

• 32:47Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, maybe they're doing like two firsts, you know, the two a days and things like that.

• 32:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Are you working?

• 32:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, if you're from home, they fuck in the morning.

• 32:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then one to two times per month is 7%. So I'd be curious about those people and what their story is and if they're satisfied with that. That is not the norm here statistically, and probably across the board, even outside of our audience, is that your new relationship and it's that infrequent?

• 33:14Rayna Greenberg?

  And obviously, I mean, Ashley and I could have asked 100 more questions, but how interested are you in sex?

• 33:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 33:19Rayna Greenberg?

  How important is sex to you, which we did, we do talk about a little bit later in this episode. But it's just early on, yeah, you guys are fucking a lot.

• 33:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so next is you're a new-ish couple. You're dating for six months to two years. You live in the same city again, and you do not live together. So this is like, you're like a solid, committed couple. You could be together, you know, a year, a year and a half, even two years, not married, not living together. How often do you have sex?

• 33:45Rayna Greenberg?

  So for these people, one time a week, one to two times is the highest bucket, 55%.

• 33:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 33:51Rayna Greenberg?

  And then three plus times a week, 31%.

• 33:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 33:55Rayna Greenberg?

  So you guys are still fucking. One to two times per month, 12%. And then less than once a month will be 1%. So.

• 34:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 34:03Rayna Greenberg?

  The norm really is still one to two times. I mean, you guys haven't gotten married, you haven't had kids. Not a huge change, up to two years.

• 34:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  The next one is you've been together for two to five years. So years, and you are living together. This does make a difference, married or not. Married doesn't really seem to make much of a difference. It's obviously more living together, we'll get to it. So two to five years, living together. And again, one to two times per week seems to be the norm, 54%. Then we have one to two times per month, that's 27%. Three plus times per week, so it could be as many. We only had like limited boxes to put answers in. 13%. And then less than once a month is 5%. So in that six month to five years, it's still a little over half of the people that responded are having sex

• 34:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  one to two times per week.

• 34:57Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, which is great, good for you guys. And then you've been together five plus years, living together, married or not. So how often you having sex? The largest bucket is still one to two times per week. It's 49%. One to two times per month, 34%. And then it kind of equals out. So less than once a month, 9%. Three plus times per week, 8%.

• 35:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Good for them. Liars, I'm kidding. And we, again, it was just like, we wish we could have been like three, five, seven, nine, you know, but it was just, we stuck with three plus.

• 35:32Rayna Greenberg?

  So how often are most people having sex? Even five plus years, one to two times per week? This obviously changes with the amount of time you guys have been together. You've moved in together. Having kids? It doesn't fall off a cliff the way I thought it was going to.

• 35:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  It does change.

• 35:47Rayna Greenberg?

  It shifts.

• 35:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  So married with children? And again, we wish we could ask so many more specific questions. How many children? Do you have a newborn? Or you have teenagers? Like, it's so different, but we at least wanted to show that there does seem to be a change.

• 36:01Rayna Greenberg?

  And we did ask you guys for actual answers of how did it change? So we'll get into that.

• 36:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, we'll get into that, more specifics. So you are married with children. How often do you have sex? The predominant answer is one to two times per month. And that is 41%. Then we have our one to two times per week people at 36%. In second place, less than once a month is 17%. And three plus times per week is 6%. And again, it's just so different, like, fresh new baby. Is different than grown kids. But yeah, it changes.

• 36:33Rayna Greenberg?

  It changes a lot.

• 36:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  So just to really wrap up the data that we found, and we also cross referenced it with a bunch of different articles on the internet. Once per week really does come up as the sweet spot. And we found articles that said couples who have sex about once every week tend to report the greatest well being. And there's really, again, no universal should. It depends entirely on what the couple finds mutually satisfying. But really, that one-ish time per week seems to be the norm across the board.

• 37:04Rayna Greenberg?

  And as I said before, studies show frequency beyond that. So more than once or twice weekly doesn't necessarily boost happiness. So people are looking for other ways of closeness, not just having sex with each other.

• 37:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  And so then we asked you guys just a couple of quick questions. If you thought sexual frequency equals relationship health. And only 16% said absolutely yes. 65% predominant answer said in part. 16% not really, and 2% not at all. And we also asked, would you like to have more sex than you currently do? 49% said yes. And so that makes me think that these are women who are answering, who would like to have sex more often. 34% said, no, I'm satisfied. And 17% said, no, but my partner probably would. And again, we never know who's all of who we're talking to. But we, most of our followers are women. And so that question was kind of like thinking about women that may be unsatisfied.

• 37:59Rayna Greenberg?

  And that's a little loaded, you know? Why aren't you having sex? So is the answer, would I like to have more time for sex?

• 38:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 38:05Rayna Greenberg?

  Would I like to have more capacity for sex? Yes. Because we asked you guys, what gets in the way of sex the most often? And the number one predominant answer, 60% of you, stress and work. So I wish I just felt sexier at the end of the day. I'm not trying to like catch a dick in my mouth, you know? Parenting responsibilities accounts for 14% of this. Lack of interest, 15%, and emotional distance, 11%. So I think people are just stressed out. There's a lot going on.

• 38:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, and this is why I talk about the weekend sex. Like, that's the kind of couple that we are. I mean, we work really hard. I'm busier now than ever before. He works all day and we come home, we want to relax a little bit and we cook dinner. And maybe we go out or do something, or we watch something and then it's like, time for bed. You know, and then it just doesn't feel as sexy or like in bed. You know, it's just, I like the spontaneity more about when we have the weekends. The vibes are different.

• 38:58Rayna Greenberg?

  So when you're long distance, or you don't live together, a lot of people reported this, and I read this a lot, that there is this expectation that you will have sex every time you see each other. That we have a date night, we fuck at the end of it. We sleep at each other's houses three times a week or four times, we'll have sex. And when people move in together, overwhelmingly, they responded that their sex lives changed. Of course, you've been together longer, but people just see you in unsexy versions of you. You don't feel as sexy all day long. And I was really happy to see so much of the responses were really positive about maybe we had less sex, but I have more ways to feel intimate with my partner. There's less pressure, there's less expected of me to have sex every time I see them. And so we can build intimacy in other ways.

• 39:42Rayna Greenberg?

  We cook dinner more often together. We take more walks after work together more often. I see them in a different light. I get to hear them on work phone calls. Like, people feel really a lot more intimately connected to their partner and are seeking it out a little less.

• 39:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, because these seem to be the times when your sex life changes. When you move in together, and of course, when you have kids. So we asked, if you're living with your partner, did your sex life change when you moved in together and how? And we did get a mixed bag of no and yes. And some of the responses, again, like Rena said, were really positive. It helps us to be intimate even when we don't have sex. If anything, it got better because I feel even deeper intimacy with my partner. Made it easier for us to do it more often. We took it for granted and now we put more intention behind planning it. Someone says, I actually feel less pressure now that it's expected of me every time I see him. Like Rena was saying, it's not more or less frequent, but it just got better. And someone said, it's like changed the times of day we do it.

• 40:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then we also got, we're just always together, so it's less interesting. And things became a little less sexy in close quarters. And it became less spontaneous and it fluctuates because we have shit to do. And also I learned more about him and became less interested in it, which that's a little

• 40:54Rayna Greenberg?

  All the red flag. Yeah, I mean, I think that is, I think the movement of people and you learn things. I've, I've lived with three partners, one of them moving in together, that was the end of the relationship. Our sex life fell off the cliff. I learned more about him.

• 41:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, well, that's the thing, like curiosity can breed sexual desire. You're not curious anymore.

• 41:13Rayna Greenberg?

  We were long distance and yeah, every time we saw each other, it was like three times a day, couldn't keep our hands off each other. The second the plane landed, we were just like naked on our backs, but like, he moved in and I really saw the way he lived and the way that he spent his days and it became less sexy and it's a very unfortunate way to learn really quickly that maybe you don't want to be with somebody, but we did learn quickly at least, and then we didn't like sink years into this relationship, which is good. But yeah, listen, sometimes you just get to know somebody a little better, you don't like them anymore.

• 41:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. I really loved reading these because I feel like this in that I feel closer to my fiance than ever before, which I should, we're getting married soon. Like I love him more every day. Like I try to, I don't even want to, I'll just like start crying. I can't believe how much I love this person and I'm just so happy in our relationship. And of course, the sex we have is great. I'm so attracted to him. I think he's like the hottest man in the world, but we are really physically close, like in the home. Like we are always on each other. We hug a lot. Like we'll dance and we'll cuddle up on the couch and we just are very physically close and intimate. I've never felt closer to a person. So I feel always really connected to him and.

• 42:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  I was curious about the dynamic of the couples and their non-sexual intimacy versus their sexual intimacy. And like, if you're really affectionate and physically close with each other around the house, do you feel less pressure desire to have sex because you're always feeling that closeness? Or if you're less affectionate and close, do you crave sex more because that's the primary time when you're feeling close? And I don't know if there's a correlation. Like, I feel close to him when we're hugging and cuddling and doing all that, but I also want to have sex as well. But like, I just always feel connected. Unless, of course, we're, you know, we're going through something, some sort of tension for, which is rare for us, but it happens, of course, with any couple, it does. But I was just wondering that, you know, because we are really physically affectionate with each other.

• 43:15Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't have a physical affection, but like intimate connection for me has a big difference. It really affects my relationships. And I've had two that were really opposite men I lived with. One that we fucked all the time, and I never felt like he, he never said anything nice to me. He never said he was proud of me, or that I looked pretty today, or I was doing a great job, or he appreciated anything. Like, the only time I really felt a real closeness to him was when we had sex. And we had sex every morning. I would never let him out the door without having sex, because I think it's the only time I really felt so connected to him. Whereas, the other, the longest relationship I've ever had, we didn't have sex that much. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to him. I

• 43:55Rayna Greenberg?

  wasn't a less sexual person. I still masturbated. I just, I didn't need it to feel connected to him as much. And so, we were always on top of each other, holding hands, sitting on his lap, cuddled up on the couch. I just, I just didn't, I didn't need to like, get on top of him and have sex as much.

• 44:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I do feel even more connected to him when we have great sex, too. But I'm just wondering about this. And I think that this is a lot with men. You men aren't as open and vulnerable. For some, not all, of course, not my partner, and not previous partners of yours, and not partners of our listeners, all of them. But some men really don't open up, and they don't get that emotional intimacy with their partner. And so, that's the only time when they really let the walls down. And so, I can see a world in which you don't really get that, and you're not feeling that closeness. And so, you really do need that sex to feel that way.

• 44:46Rayna Greenberg?

  And I don't know that men are really raised, it's not that I don't think they're raised to value it, but I think that men are raised to fuck, to have a bunch of sex, and... Can easily make the jump to equating intimacy with a partner to just sex. And so they prioritize it a little bit more.

• 45:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm hmm.

• 45:02Rayna Greenberg?

  And we don't really have a male audience. We have some males, but predominantly females. So we didn't poll men versus women. How much more sex would you like to be having? But any research you read, men report to want to be having more sex than women. But that's also really loaded. Women really feel like the needs of the household and children fall disproportionately on them. And so I don't think women are like, I want to get fucked more. I think they're like, I'd like an hour to get a manicure some of the time. I'd like a little help. That would turn me on.

• 45:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and what we see really prevalently is women want to be having sex more, especially as we age and as men age, they lose their sex drive more. And so our sexual peaks, I say sexual peaks in quotes, like, don't always match up. And I mean, as men get closer to their late 30s, 40s, scientifically, their sex drive drops and women really aren't. You know, as you reach perimenopause and you get into menopause, it can, of course. And we have so many other things going on with whatever we're doing with our birth control and hormonally. But in terms of those statistics, they can be a mismatch. And so you have a lot of dissatisfied women. And we've been told our whole lives, men are just horny. They want to fuck all the time. It's just not the truth.

• 46:13Rayna Greenberg?

  I think we just want to feel desired. I think you hear it time and time again. I'd like him to initiate more.

• 46:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm hmm.

• 46:18Rayna Greenberg?

  I'd like him to try more. And we joke around about what initiating means. And like, again, in the beginning of a relationship, this spontaneous desire, initiating just means touching me. We're just sitting on a couch together and you touch my arm and like, we're fucking. But initiating in longer term relationships for me means like, did you think about me? Did you plan something for me? Are the things that we need done taken care of? Like, that's quote unquote initiating, not like looking at me at the end of the day, at 10:30, we're sitting in bed and being like, do you want to fool around? Like, nothing turns me on less.

• 46:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. And I was talking about this initiating conversation. And again, if you were to ask me, who used to initiate sex in the first year of the relationship? I'd be like, I don't know, we just came together. You know, like Shan Boudreaux was like, it was on sight. You know, when you're new and it's especially. Especially it's long distance. And I always feel comfortable initiating, I guess, what does that mean? Just we start kissing and one thing leads to another, you know, or we're laying in bed or whatever happens, we're in the kitchen and doing our thing. But of course, I want him to initiate. I want to feel desired. I think we, most women have that feeling of your partner seeing you. They have to have you and they, you know, may push you up against a wall, you know, consensually and gently, but you know, that kind of a little bit of that assertiveness or that aggressiveness even.

• 47:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I have come to realize that I really do like to initiate because it's when I want it. And I am not ready for sex all the time. I can get there. I'm attracted to him and I, I love him. And with the right amount of foreplay, I'll always get there. But sometimes I'm just, I'm stressed, I'm busy. And I just think women, at least in my relationship, he's usually ready to go. And I'm maybe not. And so I've come to like initiating more because it's on my terms. And I know it's when I'm going to be horny and lubricated and all of those things. And so I've had this kind of realization recently that yes, of course, I still want him to initiate

• 48:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  and I want to feel desire, but I'm comfortable doing it more because it's when I want it. And when I want it is when I'm going to have the best time. It's hard to get me there if I'm really in my head. I mean, we've had times, one time I remember like calling you crying. I was like, I can't get wet. I can't get wet anymore. I was like, my pussy won't get wet. It's happening. It's menopause. And I was just so stressed. I just had too much of my play. We had all these shows and like, it was just the stress. Literally, I think we wrapped up that tour run and I was like a waterfall. But I was like panicked. So I really, my amount of stress and what I have going on really affects my body and my sex drive.

• 48:51Rayna Greenberg?

  Of course, there's a million factors. And I want to invite people to get out of their heads about this number.

• 48:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 48:57Rayna Greenberg?

  I want to quantify this because we all want to quantify everything. Am I normal? What's the number I can apply? What percentage of people are doing the same number that I'm doing? And I wouldn't be able to get out of their heads about it because a lot of people, the word intimacy is like secondhand for sex and it doesn't have to be. And if you feel mutually satisfied in your relationship, that's all that matters. And plenty of people have sex once a month and are very happy with each other. And they have other stuff going on and that's fine for both of them. And there's no like normal, like, do you feel good? Do you feel desired? Do you feel like your partner is proud of you, likes you, thinks you're attractive? And that's really all that matters.

• 49:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm hmm. And Esther Perel talks about maintenance sex, which is just regular sex. It doesn't have to be like a big production. Yeah. And she says it's no less pleasurable. She uses a metaphor that not every meal is a four course fancy meal, which is not even what I want.

• 49:49Rayna Greenberg?

  I want seven, eight minutes.

• 49:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  And, you know, if you're in your head that it's been a while, I get it because you're like, okay, it's been a couple of weeks. Is it going to be a couple of weeks more? Is it going to be months? I think about Miranda and Steve from Sex and the City, the first movie. And just when she kind of shares how long it's been and they all react to it. And I just think that's important to discuss. And I think of maintenance sex also in the like, ah, it's been a couple of weeks. We should do it. You know, like if it's check the box, like, which that's so unsexy too. But if you're in kind of a period in your relationship, because of course they, they ebb and flow and there's ups and downs and you're like, it's, it's been a while.

• 50:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's, I think, where you can get in this, like, it's been so long. We really need to knock it out of the park. And that's not necessarily true either. If you really feel like you're in your head about it, you gotta check the box, you know, do what you can to check the box.

• 50:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Wake up with no panties on. Back up into them.

• 50:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Okay, just going to take a quick break and we will get back into it. I am telling you guys about Nutraful yet again. This is something that I use every single day. I take my four capsules. It has just made such a world of difference. I was saying recently that my hair Is growing, growing. Like it is coming out of every follicle. My problem, I finally realized is that it's breaking. That's another discussion, but Nutrafol is what I have been taking for years and I really can say that I have so much growth. I don't really have a lot of shedding. I don't really notice that when I'm in the shower or on the bathroom floor and it really has helped me so, so much because this has been something that a few years back, I've really had a period where it was just excessive shedding and thinning

• 51:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  in my hair was just like not what it used to be. And so I turned to Nutrafol. It is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement trusted by over one and a half million people. You can feel great about what you're putting in your body. Nutrafol hair growth supplements are backed by peer reviewed studies and NSF content certified, the gold standard and third party certification for supplements. And then you are just gonna get on their website and find the formula that's gonna work for you. Probably most of you guys listening are gonna do the women's formula. That's what I take. There's also women's vegan, there's women's balance, and there's postpartum as well. And you can add this in your daily routine. It's super simple. My little pill cases like changed my life. My like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, like I'm never forgetting a day. I can't believe it. It took me years to do this. And so that's my hack too. It's just like every Sunday

• 52:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  night, I fill it for the week and then I'm gonna know which day I'm supposed to take this. So, you know, so that's just a little hack you guys can use too, because I never really want to skip a day. I just really want to make sure this is always incorporated into my daily routine. And you guys can try it. It's really simple. Purchase online, no prescription is required. You can see thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Nutrafol's offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to nutrafol.com and enter the promo code GGE10. Find out why Nutrafol is the best selling hair growth supplement brand at nutrafol.com, spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L dot com, promo code GGE10. That's nutrafol.com promo code GGE10.

• 53:01Rayna Greenberg?

  And last but not least, my favorite bras and underwear, Skims. It's the only thing in my drawer. I wear the Fits Everybody bras literally every day of my life. It's an underwire bra. I sleep in it. That's how comfortable it is. And I truly just went through my entire bra and underwear collection the other day and threw out all the stuff I no longer wear. And really what I was left with was Skims. There are so many different colors and sizes. So right now I'm wearing this like light tan one. If you're watching the video, I'm flashing you.

• 53:29Rayna Greenberg?

  I love their underwear too, and I just feel like sexy walking around the house in it. So I do the cotton jersey, boy shorts. There's tons of colors. There's this light pink. There's like greens and blues and tans and blacks. And I also just did this like sexy photo shoot the other day where I had to wear something like kind of suggestive. And so I wore the, you like that? And I did the fit to everybody brief and I just love like the thick waistband. I wear their actual briefs around the house, their pajamas. I mean, it really just rounds out my entire bra underwear and pajama drawers. It's comfy. It's high end. It holds up really well. So I can't recommend it enough. Shop my favorite bras and underwear at skims.com and after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows.

• 54:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 54:12Rayna Greenberg?

  So we do want to talk about scheduling sex and other theories, but I want to just like, I want to talk to you a little bit about like what people said about what marriage did to their sex life.

• 54:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 54:21Rayna Greenberg?

  And what having kids did their sex life. But it is a lot of really positive stuff, I will say. And the marriage one just made me laugh. So we said, married folks, did your sex life change after you got married and how? So overall, being married makes you guys horny.

• 54:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 54:34Rayna Greenberg?

  Initially, a lot of people in the beginning, once you got married, that ring, that wedding ring, not the engagement ring, the wedding ring made it all hornier. So not a huge change overall, by the way, between like, you know, we were together for two to three years and then we got married. Not a, not a huge rise or drop off, but initially big rise because people are horny. And a lot of our audience reported that it created this like deeper level of intimacy where they feel like I can be freakier and wilder and I can ask for crazier stuff because now you can't go anywhere.

• 55:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. You really locked it down. But that could tie into the security. And if you ever had a lack of security, that you weren't sure if this relationship was going to end in marriage or end in commitment, it end. Resultant, I don't know. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just, I can see a world in which it's like, we got there. You know, we're committed now officially. The government has decided. And so you feel safer and even more secure to do these things. And like, they're not going anywhere.

• 55:37Rayna Greenberg?

  All right. And it really-

• 55:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  At least not anytime soon.

• 55:39Rayna Greenberg?

  This was really a surprise to me. I thought it would be like, not a huge change. I thought like, well, if you're together for three years and then you get married, what could really change? Because people said I felt like a deeper level of intimacy. And I thought, we've been together three or four years. Like, how much deeper could it get? But no, our audience really felt like they could be freakier, kinkier, wilder, more exploratory-

• 55:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  I get that.

• 55:56Rayna Greenberg?

  The minute you get married.

• 55:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  I really like that. Yeah. I mean, I think it's the increased security, legally bound.

• 56:03Rayna Greenberg?

  We cannot stop. The ring made me so horny.

• 56:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  I like this less sex, but better sex. And I'm sure that's what a lot of people report. And I relate to that as well. This quality over quantity. Our sex is so much better than it was three times a day in Cabo when we were brand new and he didn't know my body like he does now and vice versa. Like, the sex, I can say with confidence, has never been better. But it is not morning, noon, and night.

• 56:36Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, I like that people said, like, we moved in together. The pressure to do it every single time we saw each other came off.

• 56:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 56:42Rayna Greenberg?

  And I do think that is what leads to like, better sex. If you are just like, we went out to dinner, it's time to check the box. You know, it doesn't lead to as good of sex necessarily. So we could obviously do a whole episode about what babies and parenting, co-parenting, or not co-parenting does to your sex life. But we won't focus on it for too long. I may as well do another episode about it. But we did ask you guys, has your sex life changed after you had kids? And how? And I mean, obviously, the overall theme is going to be, in the beginning, a huge drop off. And you're both just fighting for your lives. You know, you're both just trying to figure out, how am I going to get through this? Everybody is so exhausted. Both mom and dad, obviously mom more so, but dad also. And we're just trying to get through this. We're tired. Something's been touching me all day. I don't want to be touched anymore.

• 57:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  My nipples hurt.

• 57:27Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. A lot of women said, I just really do not want to be touched anymore.

• 57:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't even imagine.

• 57:33Rayna Greenberg?

  And obviously, so much about the hormone shifts and not feeling sexy in your body and what this has done to your body. And so much postpartum, and I'd like chills thinking about like, all that women go through to like, have birth and have a child and what it does to you physically and mentally.

• 57:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  I cannot put myself in these women's shoes, obviously. If I were to guess, I don't think you're getting in my pussy six months.

• 57:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Most people said six months, it was fine, but it took about a year.

• 58:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  About a year. Okay. Yeah. Like, if you are out here, one month in, fucking, good for you. Pick me. No, I'm kidding. I just can't imagine it. I mean, seeing my sister-in-law, you know, three months in with Ja, like, I'm just like, she cannot go back to work or go back to sex anytime soon.

• 58:24Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't know how one does.

• 58:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  And props to the women that obviously go back to work and do, it's just like, it's so demanding. Again, the hormonal drop and the changes in your body. I mean, truly. And so I really also love, and we'll go through some of these responses, like, you just have to tell yourself, like, that it can get back to normal and hopefully that it will. Hopefully you have the type of relationship and the communication and the health and the stability that it will. But like, I wonder if some women are like, oh my God, it has been months. And it's like, that is normal.

• 58:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, it's, I mean, it's our whole audience. Like, I am so exhausted. I feel dirty. I feel just depleted. Something has been on me all day long. It doesn't make you want to have sex. You want to prioritize sleep and a walk and some quiet and anything over letting somebody have sex with you.

• 59:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  The exhaustion alone. My pussy will not get wet when I'm that tired.

• 59:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Don't even try to touch me. Don't come near me.

• 59:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, that is, that is the Sahara Desert if I am too tired.

• 59:27Rayna Greenberg?

  I think about it all the time because obviously I get like a day-to-day update on my nephew. My sister-in-law will be like, you know, your brother was so nice. He got up in the middle of the night and then the baby wouldn't go down for two more hours. And I think like, okay, he goes to bed and he gets up at five in the morning to go to work, but he was up from two to four with his baby and the baby wouldn't go down. I can't imagine anything would make me feel less sexy. But the good news, I will say, there is some, there is a bunch of good news. Everybody says it does regulate after a year. I loved watching my partner be a dad. It made me fall in love with him to watch him be a parent and do this with me. I don't know why. It makes me emotional. I think it's really sweet.

• 59:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can see a world in which I would be sitting there, watching my man take care of our baby and being like, my brain is so horny for this, but my body is not connecting. Like I just, it's like, I can feel it in my soul, the level of like exhaustion and stress and the hormonal crash, I'm losing all my hair. Like, you know, I'd be bald as shit. Just like, you can't, do not try to fuck me.

• 1:00:23Rayna Greenberg?

  I, you couldn't do it. And a lot of people do say, well, one girl, seeing my husband as a dad is so hot to me, but.

• 1:00:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh no, I'm sure a lot of people feel like that.

• 1:00:30Rayna Greenberg?

  But it does seem to like, as, as the kids get older, it regulates.

• 1:00:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh my god, of course.

• 1:00:34Rayna Greenberg?

  And so as you get older, honestly, I will say, our audience, it does seem to make them kind of horny, finding ways to sneak around the kids. Our audience is just.

• 1:00:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Slutty audience.

• 1:00:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Finding ways and times and places to sneak around the kids. And it makes them feel really creative and smart and like stealthy. And I loved how horny it makes you guys.

• 1:00:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I mean, we just want to validate everything that our listeners who are moms, especially new moms have going on. And even being painful, we didn't even mention that, that it doesn't feel the same. And you know, obviously there'll be a point where you need to speak to your doctor about that too, if it really is prolonged. But, you know, I don't feel sexy. I don't want to be naked. And Rand and I were talking about this. Aside from having children, just being insecure about something in your body, or not feeling sexy. And we've all been there, you know, if you feel bloated or you're feeling insecure about aging or whatever you have going on, it's really tough. And we were saying, even if your partner doesn't care,

• 1:01:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  they're not the one making you feel that way. They aren't even noticing what you're insecure about. It's all in your head, but it's hard to get out of your head.

• 1:01:45Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, it's, it's really hard. And I saw one girl say that her husband finds it so sexy that her body is really like even more curvy and feminine.

• 1:01:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh my gosh, Rob, Rob and Allison.

• 1:01:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, even Fred, he just wants his wife to gain weight.

• 1:02:00Rayna Greenberg?

  So many women said, I gained weight, just hormonally in general, the postpartum has really destroyed your desire for sex at all and how you look at yourself and. It's fine if your sex drive plummets. A lot of people, the majority of them said that this did, and the good news is that it does seem to regulate. But if you're just in survival mode, the last thing on your mind is sex, and that is totally normal to me. Mm-hmm. So, one thing we want to talk about is scheduling sex. And a question we asked that kind of led into this was, how much does sex matter in your relationship? We did a scale of zero to 10. The average number was six to eight. Mm-hmm. So, it is important to people to still feel that connection to their partner, not just, "We watch TV together at night," you know? Yeah. And so, we got into this conversation about scheduling sex, and we polled you guys

• 1:02:45Rayna Greenberg?

  about it. We read a lot of articles. But really overwhelmingly, people we've had on the show, Esther Perel, Emily Nagoski, Ian Kerner, so many people believe in this and think it's great and healthy and important.

• 1:02:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it has reframed it for me, having these discussions with these experts over the years and hearing from our audience as well. Like, it doesn't have to be this unsexy, forced, business transaction. Like, I think we have this image in our head of a couple that's not having a lot of sex, and they're not that happy, and so they put it on the calendar, and they're both kind of dreading it, and, eh. That could be your story. But that's just really not what we're seeing or hearing. And I think this ties into our unrealistic expectations of relationships in general. I saw this post that Liz Moody posted, and she's been with her husband for a long time. We're going to have her on the podcast soon, about what, telling your partner what you need. They can't read your mind

• 1:03:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  if you want flowers, or you want compliments. Like, again, it's like, we have come to think that when we find the right person, they'll just know. When we're with our right person, we'll have sex the exact amount of time that both of us want to, and we'll both be satisfied. And they'll know my love language, and how to please me, and how I want to feel desired. And that's just not necessarily true. And so, a lot of people have this, like, eh, that's like, a nail in the coffin, or now we're scheduling sex, or I have to tell him that I want flowers. And it's just like, it... Can lead to a healthier relationship, expressing your needs to your partner. And everything in life is not natural and spontaneous, especially in a long-term relationship.

• 1:04:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. So when you get into that phase of responsive desire and you're like, I need to be coaxed into this a little bit more. I needed an environment set for me. I don't think of scheduling sex as like this boring chore. It's like, you also don't have to think of it as like at 10:30 tonight, we're going to get in bed and we're going to look at each other. We're going to fool around. You could say this is our, this is our date night, or this is the night that I'm going to come home and you promised me that you will have made dinner and done the dishes. Like, and that will make me want to have sex. And it's a whole experience to me. It's not just like, okay, well, we'll go through the motions and we'll have sex. And like, you can think about what time of day it makes you the most excited and, and plan around that. But I think to me, it's like scheduling sex is a, it's a ritual that can create some intention and anticipation.

• 1:05:00Rayna Greenberg?

  And overwhelmingly, our audience, we asked them, would you? And then if you did, how would you feel about it? People felt like when I scheduled, I looked forward to it.

• 1:05:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it creates excitement. Like scheduling anything else, like scheduling margarita night or going to trivia. It's sex night. And I, I wonder if anyone's like, okay, but like, what if I'm not in the mood that day? And that's okay, too. This isn't like doing stuff against your will. So let's like, just take that out of the conversation. Of course, you can unschedule it, take it off your calendar. But just in general, I, I like it. I'm coming around to it.

• 1:05:31Rayna Greenberg?

  I am too. And it feels at least constructive to me.

• 1:05:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:34Rayna Greenberg?

  If this doesn't feel constructive to you, then ask yourself, what would be better? I don't know. Like, it's a problem and this is a solution. So see how this can like add to your life. And I schedule everything else. I don't want to get a manicure either.

• 1:05:51Rayna Greenberg?

  And I think it's kind of sexy, the thought of like, okay, today is scheduled sex day. So like, that also encourages me to like, maybe wear like a matching bra and panties today, or send you a sexy pic during the day. It reminds me today.

• 1:06:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Try to take a big shit.

• 1:06:04Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. Well, I do that every morning.

• 1:06:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Have a venti coffee. Really empty out. So you're doing anal.

• 1:06:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Anal bag?

• 1:06:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  And you guys are doing this. I mean, it's, we asked, do you and your partner ever schedule sex? Yes, 7%, occasionally 33%, and rarely 21%. But that still is the majority of people have done it. And then never is only 39%. So the never is still the minority. And we asked, how do you feel about it? 16% said they love it. It guarantees intimacy. 46%, it's okay, but I prefer spontaneity. 20% feels unromantic to me. And 17% haven't tried it. And we asked, if you schedule sex, is it more likely to actually happen? And 46% said, yes, almost always. 39% sometimes. And then we have a few rarely and no difference, which Rainie, you would put on the slides.

• 1:06:55Rayna Greenberg?

  I feel like that's not the one that made you laugh.

• 1:06:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, yeah, the one that made me laugh was if you scheduled sex for tomorrow night, would you look forward to it? 54% you said, yes, positive. 38% said feel pressured, which again, like if this does not work for you, then don't do it. 4% said they'd forget about it. And then 3%, I'd probably cancel last minute. Why did you write that answer?

• 1:07:18Rayna Greenberg?

  It feels nice to cancel. I wanted to know if people do.

• 1:07:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  The way that she wrote that, I was going through these and we collaborated on almost all of them. I guess I missed that one. Probably cancel last minute. Why is that a response? 3% of people, they're doing it.

• 1:07:32Rayna Greenberg?

  It might be me. I don't know. I want to know about people's behavior. And like, we asked our audience, have you and your partner ever had open conversations about Miss Max sex drives and desire? And a lot of people do. Occasionally, people said 47%. Occasionally, occasionally we do. Yes, often, only 27% of people. Rarely is 16% of people and never 10%. But if you're having these conversations, you're acknowledging that it's not happening as much. I'm not feeling as much desire. This is a solution and overwhelmingly, every sex expert says do this.

• 1:08:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, yeah. And there are so many resources out there. I mean, we couldn't possibly touch on every topic today, but we've done so many episodes on this. Look back and search through our catalog with, again, Esther Perel. We've had her on twice, Ian Kerner, twice. And a throwback is Michaela Bohm, early days. I loved her discussion. We had her on, was she like Gwyneth's life?

• 1:08:29Rayna Greenberg?

  She was Jada and Will.

• 1:08:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, she worked with a lot of people. And Rainie, you looked at this article and I had not heard of this, the Cinderella rule. I cannot get over this. Do I have this right? The Cinderella rule is basically giving people a deadline to fuck you. Is that right?

• 1:08:47Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 1:08:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like you're gonna turn into a pumpkin.

• 1:08:50Rayna Greenberg?

  My hour is also when my office hours are over. You know, I get tired as the day goes on. And so like after five, I'm just not really trying to have sex. Like my desire for sex plummets throughout the day. I want it immediately in the morning, then the afternoon. I'm not trying to fuck.

• 1:09:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Can we discuss the Cinderella rule? Cause I don't think this is for me.

• 1:09:10Rayna Greenberg?

  You tell your partner like after nine.

• 1:09:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't love the dynamic of like one hour, babe. One hour to get hard for me.

• 1:09:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, they didn't interview Esther Perel for this one.

• 1:09:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  So yes, this is from this random site, whatever. But it says, "A lot of us have have cutoff times for using our phones, eating dinner, reading before bed. Metro's Alice Giddings wrote to follow the rule. You simply set a cutoff point in your head for when intimacy will no longer be on the cards. This way, you don't have to worry about being exhausted the next morning. My turn into a pumpkin cutoff is 10:30 PM and ideally this is when I'll be lights out. This means my cutoff for intimacy is starting at 10:10 PM at the latest." She suggested indicating that sex is on the cards to your partner hours before your cutoff, but that you mention it in passing the cutoff point.

• 1:09:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Fuck, what do you do? Like tap your watch as you walk by them?

• 1:09:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'd have to see if more people. I mean, there's another sex coach that says spontaneous desire isn't the only type of desire. So if you're just waiting until you and your partner happen to get in the mood, you may be waiting a while. Again, we've talked about this, but this feels like a now or never ultimatum.

• 1:10:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I wouldn't suggest it.

• 1:10:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  People are doing it.

• 1:10:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Whatever. I mean, Ashley and I just support whatever is gonna help.

• 1:10:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't know. Like it's just, I think I'd get in my head about it. You have to tell them you're doing this. I see where this goes wrong is you have the deadline in your head and you haven't told them.

• 1:10:28Rayna Greenberg?

  You think people are not telling their partner.

• 1:10:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  I hope he knows that it's 10:10 PM.

• 1:10:32Rayna Greenberg?

  You think that it's 10:30 PM and someone's partner touches them and just internally they're like, nope.

• 1:10:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Nope.

• 1:10:38Rayna Greenberg?

  Missed it.

• 1:10:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, a buzzer goes off.

• 1:10:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Little alarms around the house.

• 1:10:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  You missed, yeah, you missed the shot. Well, in conclusion.

• 1:10:47Rayna Greenberg?

  One to two times per week.

• 1:10:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And that's probably one for a lot of people. And you know, two is like, ooh, we got a crazy week. And I just think this will provide a sense of relief for a lot of people. I It did for me when I started looking this up on my own. And I'm just like, what is normal? You know, and we're still a newer couple and I still, we still obviously are very attracted to each other. We still have great sex, but I think we all are wondering that. Should it be more like?

• 1:11:16Rayna Greenberg?

  And I don't think, at least for me and you, you and I aren't really talking to our close friends about their serious partners and how often they're having sex. I, I don't really hear from my girlfriends about their long-term, serious partners, sex lives, unless something's like very seriously wrong. And people tend to ask you and I more questions than the average person. But I think that we're all kind of just wandering around in the dark here, thinking like, is everybody fucking more than me? And I can't tell you how many times Ashley and I have heard of people breaking up. And then they will say to us, we hadn't had sex in three months. We weren't touching each other. We had little to no sex life. We're going to do an interview with somebody right after this. Amber Rae, we'll have that episode out in September where she talks about how she and her husband had pretty much a sexless marriage for many, many years. And this just isn't talked about as much.

• 1:12:00Rayna Greenberg?

  So I think it's leaving a lot of people in the dark as to like, am I okay? Are we okay? Is this normal?

• 1:12:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And again, like I, I don't want people listening to be like, oh my gosh, we are once a month or once every two months. Plenty of people answered that that's what they're doing too. You're clearly not alone. It's just a matter of if you're satisfied and your partner is satisfied. And hopefully you're able to communicate openly with them. And I have had conversations with all of my partners about our sex life. And we discuss it openly. And like we mentioned, I mean, there are so many resources out there for how to start these conversations and broach these topics. And again, like, we just want you to be with a partner that you feel comfortable discussing these things with. But if you're both happy and it's twice a year, go off.

• 1:12:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's not, it's not, it doesn't measure the strength and stability and health of your relationship. It's not the solo indicator.

• 1:12:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. And I want to invite people to go to our website. You can find the episode list. There are so many resources for our show. There's Shambodram, Ian Kerner, Emily Morse, Emily Nagoski, Esther Perel, Vanessa Maron, Michaela Bohm. And we had so many episodes with sex therapists that I think will give you ideas and inspire you and make you feel normal and make it fun again.

• 1:13:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, maybe we should do some stories this week and just like put them in a playlist or something.

• 1:13:23Rayna Greenberg?

  All right, check out our playlist.

• 1:13:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, we want to make it easy on you guys. So, thank you again for sharing with us. Really, every time we do something like this and do these surveys and crowdsource, we're just blown away at the sheer number of people who respond, who take the time, and also those of you who share these private details about your lives with us.

• 1:13:42Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, we love you guys so much. Thank you. I mean, a sample set of 25,000 people is insane. The only ones I found that were larger were like massive universities.

• 1:13:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, Kinsey Institute. I'm sure somebody will steal this. Just give it a couple hours. Because you will be seen. Our work ripped off this week. Make no mistake. Okay, well, you guys, girlsgottaeat.com. Again, you can find all those episodes there. Girls Gotta Eat Podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I am Ash Hess, ashhess.com for my tour dates. Reina is reina.greenberg. Vibesonly.com to get your sex toys.

• 1:14:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Thank you, sex life better.

• 1:14:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Spice your sex life up, of course. That's why we created it, for your solo pleasure and of course, in your relationship as well. And subscribe on YouTube, of course, and we will see you guys Thursday.

• 1:14:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Have a great week, guys.

• 1:14:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Bye.