Pod Insights On Purpose with Jay Shetty 6 Reasons We Fall Out of Love & 6 Changes We Can Make to Keep It Flourishing About this episode Do you want to meditate daily with me? Go to go.calm.com/onpurpose to get 40% off a Calm Premium Membership. Experience the Daily Jay. Only on Calm
Falling in love with someone can happen instantly. Staying in love with the same person is hard work. In most relationships, partnerships last not because of love and all the giddy feelings that come with it. Relationships last when both partners continuously work together to build trust, deal with issues as one but still recognize deferring opinions, and plan a future together with each other’s interest and growth in mind.
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty shares with us the common reasons why many couples fall out of love and ways to save the relationship by keeping the love burning.
Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/
Key Takeaways:
00:00 Intro
02:12 The top reasons we fall out of love
05:59 Reason #1: We stop learning new things about each other
10:41 Reason #2: We stop talking about vulnerable, meaningful topics
17:06 Reason #3: We don’t create systems to deal with arguments
22:58 Reason #4: When you aren’t emotionally available
23:49 Reason #5: No division of chores and responsibilities
24:37 Reason #6: Not addressing important issues with your partner
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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2:16 Jay Shetty? And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1
2:59 Jay Shetty? Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. There is always something new to learn about something old. Whether it's a work of art, whether it's a building, everything in the world has more history than we can even fathom or imagine. And so I would like you to think about the person you're within that way. They're recognized that they're never endingly deep, they're limitless, and that you should always try and discover something new about them.
3:36 Jay Shetty? Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, I want to say a huge, huge thank you to you because thanks to you, On Purpose was in the top 10 podcasts in the United States this week, which is unbelievable. It blows my mind because all the other podcasts are true crime, or the news, or daily podcasts that have news elements to them. And for us to be top 10 in the US is just incredible. So, thank you so much to everyone who's left a review.
4:19 Jay Shetty? Thank you so much to everyone who's posting on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and YouTube. And thank you to each and every single one of you that's recommending this to your friends, that's bringing it to you. Bringing your community into my world. I'm so deeply appreciative of all the love, of all the amazing energy that you send towards me. And I hope that in these episodes you see every single week, I'm trying to share my best energy towards you. I am so excited to share this episode with you because I think it's so important. Whether you're single, whether you're in a relationship, whether you're married, whether you just broke up, whether you're divorced, whatever your relationship status,
5:04 Jay Shetty? I want you to know that this episode is super important because this is something that we're all scared of. It's something that happens more often than we think. And I don't think there's enough conversations around it. There's not enough discussion around this topic. And so today, we're talking about the six reasons we fall out of love and six changes we can make to keep it growing. Right? Today, we're talking about the six reasons we fall out of love and the six changes to keep it growing. No one falls in love hoping to fall out of love.
5:47 Jay Shetty? But I'm sure many of you have even experienced this. And I had a friend recently who experienced this, where she came and told me, "He told me he doesn't love me anymore. He said he's fallen out of love with me." Now, whether you've heard those painful words yourself or whether you've heard a friend go through this, it is never a great place to be. It is never going to feel right because we don't fall into love wanting to fall out of love. So why do we fall out of love? Well, to answer that question, I want to start by looking at the definition of what it means to fall in love. Now, falling is something involuntary.
6:32 Jay Shetty? It's usually outside of our control. And to me, that doesn't sound like a good way to be in love. We want to be in love. As Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, a teacher from India, has said before, "We don't fall in love, we rise in love." Right? So what I find really, really interesting about that is that even the idea of falling in love and falling out of love. Falling in love happens involuntarily. It happens unconsciously. But guess what? So does falling out of love. Falling out of love happens unconsciously as well. And so if we fall in love unconsciously, we will fall out of love unconsciously.
7:17 Jay Shetty? But if we can rise in love consciously, then we can continue to grow in love constantly. Notice how we carry our unconscious unawareness through every stage of life and that it doesn't just disappear or change or benefit us in any way. When you look at the studies and the research, 58% of participants say that breakups are dramatic or messy. That's a large portion, and I know we've all been there. We've all been in those dramatic or messy breakups. Now, 64% of participants have gone through a breakup of a long-term relationship. This is where it gets really interesting.
8:03 Jay Shetty? 65% of people say communication issues are the reason for a breakup. And we're going to talk about some of those key issues today. 67% of people say that disagreements between typical couples never get resolved, but they don't need to. Not every argument needs a resolution. But actually, what leads to a breakup is that the other 33% of issues are not addressed. And then 38% of relationships end because of infidelity. So notice how we would think that cheating or something of the sort could be higher,
8:45 Jay Shetty? but actually, not that it isn't a significant number. It's still lower than communication issues. It's lower than disagreements. It's lower than addressing important things. Today, when we look at the reasons we fall out of love and the ways to keep it growing, I want to focus on the subtle. In-betweens that often get forgotten. The first one is we stop learning new things about each other. Let me ask you a question if you're in a relationship, or if you've just got out of one, or if you've been in one before. Answer this question for yourself.
9:23 Jay Shetty? When was the last time you did something new together?
9:31 Jay Shetty? What was the last new thing you learned about your partner? Chances are, those things don't even come to mind. More often than not, we're not learning about our partners anymore. We think we know them. We think and believe we understand them. And even more unconsciously, we expect and believe that they know us. We expect and believe that if we've been together for a certain amount of time, maybe if we've taken our marriage vows, then they already get us. They already know us. And this is one of the biggest reasons why people fall out of love. They expect other people know them, and they expect they know other people.
10:16 Jay Shetty? So when you expect and believe that you already know everything you need to know, and they know everything they need to know about you, we stop learning new things about each other. I asked this to a friend recently that I was speaking to. I said, "When was the last time you learned something new about your partner, or did something new with your partner?" And they said it was a couple of years ago when they were on vacation. I'm thinking, "Wow, you've been together for a significant amount of time, but the last time you felt you were growing together, learning together, developing together, was over two years ago. We should be trying to do something new together every quarter, right?
10:59 Jay Shetty? Every quarter, every three months, we can find the time to have a new experience together. A new event, a new experience, a new experiment, a new education, a new piece of entertainment. To share an experience together deepens your relationship. I just got back from a wonderful few days in New York, where a friend of mine, a very dear friend of mine, was getting married. And a lot of my friends had flown in from London, friends that I hadn't really hung out with in quite a while because of the pandemic. And we had a whole weekend in New York, and while we don't have romantic relationships, this was friends, we made so many memories in four days.
11:41 Jay Shetty? In four days, we made so many new memories in New York City, where we've deepened our bond, continued our friendship, added new stories, and we've learned new things about each other. See, the thing is that at the start of a relationship, everything is new, right? Everything's new. You go to a restaurant, it's a new experience with them. You go to an art gallery, you go to a city, right? You may go to Paris, you may go to Rome, you go to another place with them, you travel a lot more with them, so you're constantly having new experiences. And the newness of the environment creates a freshness in the exchange, right?
12:22 Jay Shetty? The newness of the external environment creates a freshness in the exchange that you share. But as we spend more time together, we live in the same home, we have the same routine, we do the same things, and we hang out with the same people in the same places. So now, there is no more newness in the environment, so the freshness of the relationship's exchanges diminishes. But we can change that very simply, we can adapt that very easily by doing new things together, learning new things about each other. So I want you to think about that, as you start planning out the next quarter, or as you move into your next relationship,
13:06 Jay Shetty? see how you can add newness from the outside so that you can learn more new about the person. There is always something new to learn about something old. Whether it's a work of art, whether it's a building, whether it's a word, everything in the world has more history than we can even fathom or imagine. And so I would like you to think about the person you're with in that way. They recognize that they're never endingly deep. They're limitless. And that you should always try and discover something new about them. And that way you'll never fall out of love with them. You may choose that you don't like what you learn, but you won't unconsciously fall out of love with them.
13:50 Jay Shetty? Number two is we stop talking about vulnerable, intimate, important, meaningful topics. What's really interesting about this is that when they surveyed couples, the happiest couples only spent about 10% of their communication on small talk and daily tasks. But the unhappiest, 28.3% of their time was spent on shallow things. So you notice how, there isn't conclusive evidence on this yet, but it's moving in that direction, that the less we're talking about things that are important, powerful, deeply meaningful to us,
14:34 Jay Shetty? it's hard to build a long lasting relationship off of functional conversations. When everything becomes too functional, logistical, I mean even those words, they strip away the spirit of connection. And it's natural that as we spend more time together, we end up talking about, well, what needs to happen around the apartment? Or what needs to happen around the house? Or, you know, who's picking up the kids? Or who's, who's planning this out? And everything becomes logical, functional. It becomes like event management as opposed to being a relationship. And that's needed, right? Those conversations are integral. But they are a baseline for the deeper, meaningful conversations that need to happen.
15:18 Jay Shetty? What's really uncomfortable about that is that we have to make time to ask those beautiful questions, right? We have to make time to give our partner the ability to have meaningful conversations with us.
15:39 Jay Shetty? So, one of the questions, and I was thinking about questions that have often encouraged couples to ask each other, and you know, questions can be anything about embarrassing moments, their childhood, or the future. So I find that talking about the past, present, and future is what develops intimacy in a relationship. If you want to develop a connection with someone, it is by discussing your past, present, and future. You think about it, some relationships in your life, you only talk about the future. Some relationships, you only talk about the past. And some relationships, you only talk about the present. So someone who has a 360-degree
16:22 Jay Shetty? view of you is someone you can have a loving relationship with, and you can keep growing the love, because they are growing with you, and through your journey with you. So, childhood is the past, embarrassing moments may be the present, and it also brings a bit of laughter, a bit of lightness, and then the future, your hopes and dreams, your aspirations. So, some questions that I really like for childhood is, you know, who's someone in your family that you feel you're most yourself around? Right? That's a great question. And making time for questions like this allows you to learn so much about that person. Another
17:06 Jay Shetty? great question is, why do you want to be a parent? If you want to be a parent? Why so? If you don't, why not? And having an open conversation around that. One of the best conversations to have about the present is, what's your love language right now? Right? What is something that you deeply appreciate? Or, another way it could be to describe your perfect day. What is it that makes a day special? And remember, these questions are not being asked with the expectation that someone's going to fulfill them. It's just the act of having that intimacy, that vulnerability with someone that creates deeper bonds and deeper connections and deeper relationships. And then the future.
17:50 Jay Shetty? What are your hopes and aspirations? What are you building? What are you creating? What are your goals this year? So if we truly want to not fall out of love, it requires this consistent growth. And this is what I find fascinating, that nothing in the world just stays as it is. Right? Nothing in the world just lasts without maintenance. But we expect love to last without maintenance. We expect love to last without nurturing. We expect love to last without any effort. And it doesn't make sense at all. We've been getting so many amazing reviews for the Daily J, my new daily guided meditation series on the Calm app. You might have heard a couple of snippets on the podcast for a few weeks.
18:34 Jay Shetty? So in case you haven't had the chance to check it out, I just wanted to share this review from Caitlin, an elementary school teacher from New Jersey. Here's what she had to say. I have over nine years of experience in the American public school education system, including teaching throughout the pandemic. Over the past two years, I've seen extreme cases of anxiety in my students like never before. Many of these children have never experienced these feelings before, and the most are not even sure of what they are feeling. My school district has spent a great deal of time focusing on social emotional learning, SEL, through this school year. We try to teach coping skills and focus on teaching kids how to deal with their feelings and become the best version of themselves. As someone who has also been experiencing the many anxieties of the world today,
19:19 Jay Shetty? I have recently downloaded the Calm app, thanks to my mom. My mom and I are big fans of yours, and once she heard that you will have seven minutes of Daily J each day, she encouraged me in doing this. Your meaningful ideas and meditation have quickly become part of my daily routine, so much that I've begun incorporating some of them into my SEL morning meetings with my third graders. Wanted to meditate with me, join me on the Calm app for the Daily J, a daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant life, and simple steps for positive actions to get you closer to the life of your dreams.
19:59 Jay Shetty? Meditate with me by going to calm.com/j to get forty percent off a Calm Premium Membership. That's only forty-two dollars for the whole year for a daily guided meditation. Experience the Daily J only on This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day.
20:42 Jay Shetty? The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality, so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation, and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get five percent back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market,
21:25 Jay Shetty? who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in nineteen eighty. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions.
22:07 Jay Shetty? Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. The third reason we fall out of love is we don't create systems to deal with arguments. This one is absolutely huge, right? The amount of people that argue, the amount of people that have disagreements, the amount of people that avoid arguments, but having systems to deal with arguments. Now, I'm going to share with you a system.
22:51 Jay Shetty? The first system is the when, where, what, how, why system. My belief is that arguments needs to become more like debates. The reason is that in an argument, there is no goal, there is no intention, and there is no clarity. In a debate, there's emotion, there's an intention, and there's knowledge. Arguments are unstructured, they're highly emotional, and they're highly irrational. Debates are focused discussions on a particular idea.
23:34 Jay Shetty? So the first question you have to ask yourself to create a system for arguments. Every time you start arguing, you can move to this system, and me and Radhi do this fairly often. And I find that I may guide us in this direction sometimes. So anyone can guide, but you have this discussion when you're not arguing. So you have this discussion when you're not fighting. So you say, okay, look, next time we fight, this is the system we have to use to actually have a productive argument. As opposed to when we start fighting, we have to somehow figure this out, which is unlikely. The first thing is the 90-second rule, knowing that emotions switch after 90 seconds.
24:11 Jay Shetty? In those 90 seconds, you're gonna wanna act, you're gonna wanna be angry, you're gonna wanna release yourself, but if you can wait 90 seconds, if you can hold back for 90 seconds, it will change the tone of an argument. The first thing is, what are we arguing about? Let's be really clear on what are we actually arguing about? Now, if you're starting an argument, if you've got an issue with something, what are you actually arguing about? And if someone else is arguing with you, calming the situation down and asking the question, what are we actually arguing about? Let's, let's really look at that. What is your genuine issue with this? Let me understand the root of it. Let's really break it down. It's not a challenging question, it's not a condescending question, it's a clarifying question. So you're not asking them, what are you arguing about? What's wrong with you? What's your issue?
24:56 Jay Shetty? You're saying, I want to understand clearly what it is that I've done to upset you, and what it is that I've done to make you feel this way, right? I want to understand that. That's the first step. The second step, after you've figured out the what, and so it's like, what are we arguing about? Because half the time, we don't even know what we're arguing about, or we're arguing about a side thing, and then we go, whoa, whoa, whoa, it's not that, it's really this, and then we switch topic, right? So let's really spend some time cooling down and figure out what are we arguing about? Before we do that, we have to figure out when and where we're going to argue. Here's the thing about debates, they're set with a time and a place.
25:40 Jay Shetty? Your arguments need a time and a place. Ideally, where is in a neutral place? You wanna argue in a place that feels comfortable for both of you. You're not arguing in front of the kids, you're not arguing while the TV's on. You've made a commitment to do it in a proper time and place. And the place also means, it could be somewhere neutral, it could be in a park, could be, you know, in your garden, it could be somewhere that feels more open. And when, not when they just got back from work, not first thing in the morning while someone's rushing to get their breakfast, not before a big meeting or presentation, often we do that unconsciously, and the other person gets unhinged.
26:23 Jay Shetty? A healthy system for an argument is first figuring out when and where you're going to choose to bring this up, and what you're choosing to bring up. Now, how is you're sitting next to each other? You're not sitting opposing each other. There's a beautiful quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupery that says, "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." When we're looking at each other, we may look past each other. We may look against each other. We may have ideas that cross or conflict. But when we're looking in the same direction, when we're sitting next to each other, when we're on a walk together, we're already subconsciously moving in the same direction together.
27:07 Jay Shetty? Arguing or debating while having a walk as we move can be healthy. So, that's the when, where, what, how, and then the why. Why am I really bringing this up? Explain why you're bringing it up. Don't just argue about what you're arguing about. Explain why it affects you. And also, when you prepare to share this, that's the thing about debates, you prepare for debates. When you share this, the most amazing thing is that they understand. Because people may not understand what your issue is, but they're more likely to understand why you have it. You may have an issue with someone not doing the dishes, and they won't get it because they don't have the same why for it. But if you tell them why,
27:51 Jay Shetty? they can understand yours a little bit deeper. Please communicate with why. So how you set a system for an argument is before an argument, outside, you say, "Look, this is the system we're gonna follow." "We're gonna figure out when and where. We're gonna figure out what we're arguing about. We're gonna know how we're arguing about it, and we're gonna share why we're arguing about it." And it's gonna be more like a debate than an argument because we don't want to approach it from the perspective of just shouting at each other. Now, the fourth reason we fall out of love is that the John Gottman Institute says that only 9% of the time are couples emotionally available. 9%. Which means there's 91% of the time
28:35 Jay Shetty? that couples are not emotionally available. It's incredible, right? To just not be there, to just not be present.
28:45 Jay Shetty? Carve out time every week, once a week, to have emotionally available time, EA time. And that could be on a Sunday for an hour each. But to really carve out that time, to not think that watching a movie together or going to dinner together is emotional availability. That's physical availability. But what people are really seeking is emotional availability. And you really want to focus on that. Number five is no division of chores and responsibilities. People get so frustrated that they default to taking care of everything, that they by default have to do everything, right? So you want to figure out early on, who's doing the cooking? Who's doing the cleaning? What's the schedule?
29:29 Jay Shetty? We have to almost treat it in that way because it's so easy for things to just fall on one person. Before you take on a new task, like let's say you're renovating. Okay, before we take on renovating, who's going to take on the renovation? Who's going to take on the decision making? We have to start operating somewhat like a business in those areas of our lives to avoid lack of communication. Okay, we want to plan a vacation. Who's going to plan it? Who's going to book it? Let's, let's plan that out before we get excited about doing these things. And number six is not addressing important issues for your partner. This, this is huge. If you're one of those people that knows your partner wants to get married, but you don't want to, and you don't want to talk about it. Or you know your partner wants kids and you don't, and you don't want to talk about it. Make a point to talk about it.
30:15 Jay Shetty? Either you're going to fall out of love or they are because you don't talk about the things that are uncomfortable to talk about. Talk about the uncomfortable things in the same way as I described the arguments and debates. Don't avoid the elephant in the room, right? It just gets bigger and bigger and bigger. Thank you so much for listening to this episode today. I think there was some incredible insights in this one today, and I hope you're going to share them, repeat them, amplify them. I am so grateful for this on purpose, community and family. I can't wait for live events. I can't wait for meeting you all in person when I go on tour next year, when my next book comes out. I, I am just so excited to share this journey with you and this life with you. I appreciate you and I'll see you soon.
31:01 Jay Shetty? Thank you so much. I actually, actually, actually, I want to read some reviews because I saw some this week that brought so much joy to my life. This is from Mark. I listen to Jay's podcast while doing my yard work. I can clean my yard while feeding my mind. I share Jay's podcast relentlessly with anyone and everyone. Inspired by Jay, I'm launching a business and it is on my vision board to one day be on Jay's podcast. I love that. Please keep the inspiration flowing. Thank you, thank you. This is from Patricia. I'm in my early 30s and recently I've had some life-changing events occur and I found myself in a rut. I followed Jay on social media for a few years, but I've never listened to his podcast. One morning I was doing my hair and decided to try and be productive while doing so.
31:44 Jay Shetty? It's been three weeks and I've listened to Jay and his guests daily. I listen while I'm in the car or on any chance that I have. It's drastically changed my mindset and it has allowed me to take my mental health into my own hands. I feel like I am learning and growing, which has enriched my life instead of feeling stale. Keep them coming, Patricia. Thank you so much, everyone. Make sure you leave a review. We're at around 18,000 reviews. I would love to get to 20,000 by the end of the year. If you can take a moment, it would mean the world to me. Thank you so much. I'll see you next week.
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