Powerful Ways to Regulate Your Emotions & What Laughter Does for You

When children grow up and look back on their childhood, what do they remember most about their parents? It turns out it’s not what many parents assume. This episode begins with research revealing which parenting behaviors leave the strongest, longest-lasting impressions — and how they shape adult relationships. https://time.com/4097995/parenting-kids-remember/ Some emotions can completely hijack your day. Anger, anxiety, frustration, and stress often feel automatic — as if you have no control once they show up. But that’s not actually true. Dr. Ryan Martin explains science-backed ways to regulate emotions both before they spiral and in the moment. Ryan is Dean of the College of Arts, Humanities and Social Sciences and Professor of Psychology at the University of Wisconsin–Green Bay, and author of several books on emotions, including Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast (https://amzn.to/4qrv9fj). Laughter feels good — but why do we do it? And why do humans laugh so much more than other animals? Is laughter actually good for your health, or is it just enjoyable? And what makes something funny in the first place? Christopher Duffy joins me to unpack the science and psychology of laughter. He’s a comedian, television writer, host of the TED podcast How to Be a Better Human, and author of Humor Me: How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy (https://amzn.to/3LjKOyi). And finally, you’ve probably heard you should never let your gas tank drop below a quarter full — but is that really true? We wrap up by separating myth from reality and explaining when low fuel actually matters and when it doesn’t. https://www.carparts.com/blog/fact-or-myth-driving-with-less-than-a-quarter-of-a-tank-of-fuel-is-bad-for-your-car/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Mike Carruthers?

  Today on Something You Should Know. What do kids think of their parents after the parenting is all over? Then, how to regulate your emotions? It's not all in your head, there are other ways. For instance...

• 0:16Speaker 01

  There is a lot of data out there to suggest that drinking water and staying hydrated is something that affects our emotional life. That when we get dehydrated, we are more emotionally reactive.

• 0:30Mike Carruthers?

  Also, is it true that you shouldn't let your gas tank get below a quarter of a tank? And understanding laughter, what it is, how it works, and what it does for us.

• 0:41Speaker 02

  This is why I love laughter. It's so fun to be locked in a moment with your friend where you are laughing so hard that you're crying. That creates these memories where you then think about and talk about for years and become the core of your identity.

• 0:56Mike Carruthers?

  All this today on Something You Should Know.

• 1:01Mike Carruthers?

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• 1:44Mike Carruthers?

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• 2:26Speaker 03

  Something You Should Know, Fascinating Intel, the World's Top Experts, and Practical Advice You Can Use In Your Life Today. Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.

• 2:38Mike Carruthers?

  You know, being a parent, something I've thought about, and I'm sure every parent thinks about, is when your kids are grown, when the parenting is all over, what will your kids think of you? And that's what we're going to start with today on this episode of Something You Should Know. I'm Mike Carruthers, hi, and welcome. So when you're all done parenting, and your kids grow up, they leave the nest, and all the dust has settled, what will they remember about you? Well, according to an article on the Time Magazine website, here's what really matters. The times you made them feel safe or unsafe. Those would be the times you chased away the monster under the bed.

• 3:23Mike Carruthers?

  But kids feel unsafe when they see their parents lose their temper. Those memories stick. The times you gave them your undivided attention. Kids measure love primarily by our attentiveness to them. The times you stop what you're doing to have a tea party or go outside to throw a ball, those will be memories etched in their minds and hearts forever. The way you interact with your spouse. You are the model for what a relationship looks like. Your words of affirmation or criticism. Their identity and self-worth are molded largely by your words. And traditions. Kids have a deep need for predictability.

• 4:07Mike Carruthers?

  They will cherish family traditions. So you really should have some. And that is something you should know.

• 4:18Mike Carruthers?

  Life has a way of serving up emotional ups and downs for all of us. That part's not up for debate. But what is often misunderstood is where those emotions actually come from, and how much control we really have over them. When you look at the science of emotion, it turns out that regulating how you feel isn't just a matter of willpower or thinking positive. The everyday choices you make, how you sleep, what you eat, how you spend your time, even the routines you follow can either support emotional balance or quietly sabotage it. So how does this all work? And what are some simple, practical ways to feel better,

• 5:00Mike Carruthers?

  sometimes faster than you might even expect? Here to explain is Dr. Ryan Martin. He's dean of the College of Arts Humanities and Social Sciences and professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay. And he is author of a couple of international bestsellers, Why We Get Mad and How to Deal with Angry People. His latest book is called Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast. Hi, Ryan. Welcome to Something You Should Know.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  Hi. Thanks for having me. I'm really excited to talk with you today.

• 5:34Mike Carruthers?

  So first of all, explain what you mean by emotion hacks, what they are and how they work. I think that's a good place to start here.

• 5:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, so there are lots and lots and lots of little things we can do that will have a big impact on our emotional well-being. And so I think sometimes people think, "Well, in order to feel happier, or to feel less sad, or to feel less scared, or less angry, or whatever, I need some sort of big life change." And that might be true for some people, that they would benefit from a big life change. But a lot of times, the answers to our emotional wellness or our emotional well-being is to make lots of, or even just a handful of little changes, to adjust our sleep, to spend more time in nature, to socialize more, to think about our thoughts,

• 6:25Speaker 01

  to think about the situations we're putting ourselves in, and so on. And when we make those little changes, we can see this really big, profound impact.

• 6:37Mike Carruthers?

  And so, give me an example of how that would work, just so we're not talking in the abstract here, just to get real concrete, just pick an example and lay it out for me.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  You bet. So, I'm gonna pick the, probably the easiest one and one I am doing right now, which is staying hydrated. So, we know that there is a lot of data out there to suggest that drinking water and staying hydrated is something that affects our emotional life, that when we get dehydrated, we are more emotionally reactive than we would otherwise be. And so, by simply saying, you know what, I'm going to prioritize this relatively simple act, for many people at least, by saying, I'm gonna prioritize this thing, we can have this positive impact on our emotional well-being. And so, think about the different

• 7:32Speaker 01

  aspects of an emotional experience, and that includes a stimulus, that includes our mood at the time of that stimulus, how we think about the stimulus, and so on. I've outlined these 50 different things that you can do, you know, some in each of those different categories, to respond in a more healthy way when we do encounter negative experiences.

• 7:59Mike Carruthers?

  So, it's not so much that an emotion comes up and then you do something to mitigate whatever the problem is, this is more of a proactive preventative thing?

• 8:10Speaker 01

  Sort of. A big part of what we do when we're dealing with negative stimuli is respond in the moment. So, part of what I'm trying to advocate for is that people pay attention to how they respond when they experience a negative stimuli in their life, right? How they respond when they are stuck in traffic, or when someone says something cruel to them. That's a big part of what it takes to manage our emotions. At the same time, though, there's a bunch we can do in advance of those stimuli. And there are ways that we can take care of ourselves. There are ways that we can think about how we engage with the people around us by doing

• 8:52Speaker 01

  things like staying hydrated that I mentioned, getting a good night's sleep, managing our stress, being aware of the situations we put ourselves in that we actually invite into our lives. By paying attention to those things and by being really intentional about those things, we can have this healthier emotional life down the road.

• 9:16Mike Carruthers?

  So those two examples you just gave a moment ago of like being stuck in traffic or, you know, somebody saying something that upsets you or what, those are two very common examples that people have trouble with. So could you give some examples of like, so how would you deal with that differently rather than explode and get upset and pissed off?

• 9:40Speaker 01

  So one of the things that I always like to do with people is encourage them to what I call diagram an emotional incident. So I want you to think through when you experience a situation like that, let's think about the whole thing really completely. So for instance, when you get stuck in traffic, there's a couple of different things that are happening, right? There's the stimulus itself, which is you getting stuck in traffic. There's also your mood at the time that you got stuck in traffic. So are you stressed? Are you hungry? Are you running late for something? Are you tired and so on? There's the way you think about that stimulus. So what it means in your life? Are you, is this going

• 10:21Speaker 01

  to ruin your day? Is this going to ruin your career? Do you think everybody else on the road is an idiot? Is God taking vengeance out on you? Whatever the thoughts are. And then there is your emotional response and how you deal with that. So anger, fear, sadness, whatever that is. And then there is what you do in response to all of that. So how you behave? Do you pound on your horn? Do you, do you start giving people the finger? How do you respond? So what I encourage people to do is to think about what an intervention looks like in each of those different categories. How do you, so it's a little bit too late

• 11:03Speaker 01

  once you're in the situation to think about whether or not you could have made different decisions leading into it. But maybe for next time, you can think about the different decisions you could make so that you end up not getting stuck in traffic. I encourage people to think about taking care of themselves so that when they are faced with those situations, they aren't feeling as overwhelmed by it. So that's taking care of themselves and so their mood at the time is impacted. But also, I encourage people in that situation, okay, think about how can you reframe what's happening so that you have a, so that you're thinking about the consequences in a realistic way. Not that you're lying to yourself, but you're saying, okay, how big a delay is this?

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Is this going to cost me five minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes? How bad a delay is it and what is that delay going to mean to the rest of my day? It might be that it's not as bad as you're making it out to be, once you really sit down and start thinking about it.

• 12:01Mike Carruthers?

  You know, when you, you have one of those moments when you're stuck in traffic or something's frustrating you or whatever, and you get all worked up about it. And later you think, well, what was that about? Why did I get, it all worked out, it, it was all fine, it wasn't as bad as I was making it out. And yet, we kind of never learn from that. Like, the next time it happens, you get just as frustrated. Like, we don't, we get this unrealistic look that this is the end of the world, and it almost never is.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's one of the real challenges when it comes to dealing with feelings or dealing with emotions, is that by definition, when you're having them, you have a different set of thoughts than you would have without them, right? That by definition, part of what they're doing is influencing your brain in ways that make it harder for you to potentially think rationally or more reasonably. And so, so much of this is actually training ourselves to do exactly what you're describing, which is to kind of stay calm in the moment and, and think through the situation in a

• 13:18Speaker 01

  more rational way, and interpret those consequences in a, in a more rational way.

• 13:24Speaker 01

  And that takes practice. And actually, what you're describing, I think, is a really important part of that practice, which is to reflect on it after the fact and to ask yourself, what are some tough questions to ask yourself in the moment, but that are, hey, why did I react this way? What was I going through? Why was it so hard for me in this moment to think more clearly? Why did, you know? And in doing that, I liken this, so I'm a big sports fan, I actually liken this to watching game tape, right? So after a soccer game, you know, we sit down and we watch the footage and we talk about the mistakes we made and we talk about what we could have done differently. I think

• 14:06Speaker 01

  that reflecting on your experiences can play that role for you and can help you get ready to do something a little bit different next time. And the problem is, sometimes when we reflect back on that, we don't do the work at looking at ourselves, we do the work of looking at how everyone else behaved. And so we've got to turn that around a little bit and say, okay, what can I do differently next time?

• 14:31Mike Carruthers?

  We're talking about managing your emotions with some emotion hacks. And my guest is Dr. Ryan Martin. He is author of the book, Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast. So Ryan, oftentimes when you get upset emotionally, like I'm thinking about driving, your immediate reaction is often that everybody else is a jerk, that guy cut me off, he must be a jerk, that person, it doesn't know how to drive, that we're fine. It's the other guy who's the problem.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  I had this conversation with my son over the weekend. He was playing basketball. He was disappointed in his playing time. In between games, we sat down and talked. And I said, here's the thing, I agree with you 100% that you should be frustrated with your playing time. I don't know why it is the way it is, but let's focus on the parts of this that you can actually control. Maybe that's your body language when you're in there. Maybe that's how you're communicating with your coach. Who knows what it is, but let's figure out what parts we can control and then let's try and focus in on that as we move forward, because we don't have a say in how other people are going to treat us.

• 15:43Mike Carruthers?

  For me, and I think for a lot of people, there is a difference between those emotional moments that hit you all of a sudden, something happens in that moment, versus the times that you can prepare for it, like, okay, the boss wants to see you, what's this about? I can sit down and kind of prep myself for that. But those moments where it just catches you off guard seem to be the toughest.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Sometimes situations just sneak up on us, things, highly emotional situations that we weren't prepared for. A lot of times, though, these situations don't sneak up on us. We can see them coming, or at least we know, at least we know they are potentially going to happen, right? So I can predict with 100% certainty that at some point in my life, I'm going to get caught in traffic again. And because I know that, I can think now, when I'm in a clear state of mind, how I want to handle that when it happens. In doing so, I get better at it, just by sort of rehearsing it in my mind, practicing that out, thinking through that. And we can actually do this with, you know, interpersonal conflict, we

• 16:55Speaker 01

  can do this in a host of ways. We can think through these things and practice for them, so that when they happen, we've essentially rehearsed it. And that makes it far easier in the moment when it's happened. And then the other part is the reflecting back on it and doing that honest assessment that I mentioned before, what parts of this should I have done differently, or what parts of this could I have done differently? And by doing that, we're essentially doing, it's another form of rehearsal, where we're better able to handle that in the future. Because then, once we've had that rehearsal, once we've kind of gone through that, we can now, later on, when we actually do find ourselves in

• 17:40Speaker 01

  those moments, we are prepared for that. And we can, you know, maybe it's something where people have a mantra that they use, which is one recommendation I have for people is like, pick a mantra, something that you say to yourself in those tough moments, and then remember to say it.

• 17:59Mike Carruthers?

  Like what? Like, what's an example of that?

• 18:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, so the mantra I use, and one of the things I really encourage people to do is put a lot of thought into what their mantra is, but the mantra I use is do the next right thing. And that is my way of giving myself some grace for the fact that I may have made mistakes in the past, but acknowledging that I'm always trying to do the right thing. And when I face a negative experience, I can remind myself, okay, this is your moment to do whatever is the right thing.

• 18:31Mike Carruthers?

  One of the things that happens, I think, for a lot of people is that when things, emotional things happen, there's a tendency to think the worst, that this is the end of the world, that this is going to lead to more bad things. How do you stop that spiral downward where here's something that isn't great, and now it's going to just get worse and worse and worse?

• 18:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, so the name we use for that a lot of times is catastrophizing, and it's when we just blow things way out of proportion. And one of the first things, and I will tell you, I do think there's something to be said for people just needing a moment to spiral. And that's maybe okay, especially if you've sort of got the benefit of time on your side to sort of run through that. I actually think one of the things we sometimes do with people in our lives when they're spiraling or when they're catastrophizing is we try to tell them too quickly, okay, calm down, relax, it's not that bad. And all of that feels really minimizing.

• 19:38Speaker 01

  And so I think it's okay to just take a moment to sort of let that spiral as long as you can pull it back in relatively quickly. And once you've had that moment, I think that's when you start to potentially ask yourself two questions. The first question is, how bad is this really? And once you're in a little bit more reasonable frame of mind, you can start to ask yourself, like truly, what are the very real consequences of this? And then start to think through, almost like a checklist of, okay, it's going to mean this, it's going to mean this, and it's going to mean this. The other thing you can do is start to ask yourself, how can I mitigate those

• 20:19Speaker 01

  consequences? What is the thing I can do to try and solve this? And now, all of a sudden, that spiral becomes empowering. That spiral becomes a, okay, so I actually have some power here to fix some of these things. And even if it's just a little bit of power, even if there isn't a ton I can do, it's still better, I think, for people to take a little bit of ownership in the solution than to let it go.

• 20:47Mike Carruthers?

  What are some of the other, because I hadn't heard about hydration affecting your thoughts and your mood and all that. What are some of the other ones that you didn't mention that people might not be aware of?

• 21:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, so there's a couple biggies that I really, really like. One is actually the importance of spending time in nature. And so, spending some time on a walk in nature, honestly, it even just can work if you're not in a place where you're surrounded by nature. It can even work to watch nature videos, or to look out a window and just see some green space. And it works even better if you do that in a way where you are unplugging as much as you can. And so, if you can, you know, turn off your phone, or not take your phone with you, and really go out and spend that time immersed in the environment. The

• 21:44Speaker 01

  other piece of this, too, is it works even better if you can give yourself a task that is sort of specific to the nature. So, the example that I really like, that we've seen some really interesting research on, is bird watching. So, if you go out, not just to spend time in nature, but you say, "I'm gonna look for birds," or "I'm gonna try and identify plants," or "I'm gonna try and identify rocks," anything that will get you focused on the nature and out of your head is really, really valuable. So, spending time in nature is a biggie. The other one that I really like is any kind of engagement with

• 22:25Speaker 01

  The arts, and that doesn't necessarily, and I say this as someone who is not a good artist, right, someone who has zero real artistic skills, or very, very little, at least. That spending time engaging in the arts, either by participating in some craft-type workshops or things like that, or maybe spending some time with expressive writing, or just going to shows and performances, that those things can be really good ways to help increase your self-esteem, increase your happiness, engage with other people, that's another part of this that's really important, is socializing, engaging with other people, is all of these

• 23:08Speaker 01

  things help you navigate stressful situations when you experience them.

• 23:14Mike Carruthers?

  It seems like all of those things have in common, that you're getting out of your head, you're getting away from the thing that's bothering you, you're distracting yourself by going out in nature, or talking to people, or doing art, or whatever, you're not, you're unfocusing from the problem.

• 23:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, and this is really important. So about two months ago, I actually developed a little bit of a sleep problem. I was waking up in the middle of the night, and my mind was racing, and I know this happens to a lot of people. And so, one of the things I discovered about myself during that time is that it's kind of hard for me to shut my brain down, that I don't always feel comfortable with that sort of silence. And so, I got, and I said, like I said, I am not a good artist, so I got a coloring book, and started doing that just about 10 minutes a day as a way of, and what it does for me is it takes away the stress of having to try and create nice art, which I don't think I'm capable

• 24:14Speaker 01

  of doing, but it allows me to, like, focus on something other than my thoughts, while, and kind of engaging in creating something. And so, it's been a really nice, simple habit for me. There's no goal of trying to get better even, or show it to people, it's just something I like to work on on my own, that gives me a little bit of break from my thoughts.

• 24:41Mike Carruthers?

  Well, unless you are someone who is always in control of their emotions at all times, which is no one, this is really helpful. These hacks can be really useful. Dr. Ryan Martin's been my guest. He's the dean of the College of Arts Humanities and Social Sciences and professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin in Green Bay, and he is author of the book Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast. Ryan, thank you for sharing this.

• 25:10Speaker 01

  You bet. Thank you very, very much. I appreciate talking to you.

• 25:18Mike Carruthers?

  It's probably safe to say that most of us like to laugh, and we're often told that laughter is good for us. It brings people together, eases stress, even improves our health. But when you stop and think about it, laughter is kind of strange. I mean, other animals don't really laugh, not the way we do. So what is laughter exactly? Why do we enjoy it so much? Why does it seem to be such a uniquely human behavior? And what role does it actually play in how we connect, create, and relate to one another? Here with some answers is Christopher Duffy. He's a comedian, television writer, host of the

• 25:59Mike Carruthers?

  TED podcast, How to Be a Better Human, and he's author of a book called Humor Me: How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy. Hi, Christopher. Welcome to Something You Should Know.

• 26:12Speaker 02

  Hi, Mike. Thanks so much for having me.

• 26:14Mike Carruthers?

  Sure. So why laughter? Why did you pick this as a topic to say, well, let's look a little deeper?

• 26:22Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, the first and most honest reason is because laughing is really fun. I mean, this is what I think of as like, a good day is if I can laugh really hard. So that's the first reason why I was really interested in laughter. And then the second kind of a little bit deeper reason is because I really feel like, as I look around at the world and people that I know, and just my own day-to-day experience, it just felt like there's this real missing piece where things are very serious and heavy, and there's not a lot of... Social value these days placed on lightness and laughter and the connection and joy that can come from having a good sense of humor. I feel like people kind of either

• 27:05Speaker 02

  take it for granted or don't think it's very important. And I think it is so important.

• 27:09Mike Carruthers?

  Does everybody laugh? It seems like, you know, babies laugh, so it must be something we're born with.

• 27:15Speaker 02

  It is. It's universal. It's across cultures. It's across continents. And it is, it's really fundamentally important. So there's clearly a reason why we do it, but it serves a really important purpose in our lives as a way of creating social bonds, as a way of relieving tension and creating group identities, too. I think that's one of the evolutionary ideas is that that's why we started to laugh and joke is to create in-group identities and to understand who was in and who was out of the group.

• 27:45Mike Carruthers?

  Yeah, that's what's so fascinating is it does seem that laughter is a group activity. I mean, yeah, you can laugh when you're by yourself, but it's a lot easier. It seems more natural to laugh in a group. It just does. I mean, the same movie you watch at home on your TV by yourself might be funny, but if you watch it in a theater with a lot of people, you're much more likely to laugh at the funny parts.

• 28:13Speaker 02

  That's definitely true. That's not just your experience. There's a lot of science that I came across from researchers who study laughter that shows that that is absolutely the case, that laughter occurs much more frequently when we're in social settings. And also, just aside from the whole science part of it, this is why I love laughter. I mean, it's so fun to be locked in a moment with your friend where you are laughing so hard that you're crying, you're holding your sides. It just is like, that creates these memories with a friend, with a romantic partner, with a family member that you then think about and talk about for years and become this core of your identity. I also think

• 28:51Speaker 02

  that at a time when we have a real deficit of attention, right, there's so many screens and distractions in every part of our life. It's very common to be in a conversation with someone who is only kind of half there or a quarter there. And what I love about laughter is you are in the moment when you're laughing. You are not half laughing and kind of half out. When you're really, really laughing, you are fully in it with the other person. And that's such a beautiful and precious thing these days, I think.

• 29:22Mike Carruthers?

  What makes something funny?

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Well, I will say that it is really subjective, but I think there's kind of two theories that make sense to me about what makes something funny. One is called the benign violation theory. So that is, you're doing something that's kind of not allowed, but it's not hurtful or harmful, right? It's not like a benign violation, a classic example of that is a tickle, right? If you tickle a kid, your kid, it is, you're kind of attacking them, but it's not hurting them, right? If you grab them really hard, that's not benign, that's scary. And if you just give them like a little pat on the head, it's not a violation at all, so it's not funny. So there's this, this sweet spot of crossing a boundary, but crossing a boundary in an

• 30:08Speaker 02

  okay way that makes things funny. The other idea about what makes things funny, the other scientific idea that I think makes a lot of sense for more kind of intellectual jokes is called encryption theory. And the idea for that is that basically, anything that is a joke is I present you with a lock and you have a key that turns that lock and opens it. You can decrypt the joke. So I say something to you, you understand the play, and then it's funny to you. And the reason why people think that might be an explanation for a lot of humor is because across cultures, across continents and societies, people are super attuned to fake laughter, right? Me going like, "Ha, ha, ha, yeah, Mike, ha, ha, ha."

• 30:53Speaker 02

  You can tell instantly that that's not a real laugh. And they think that that may be because evolutionarily, if you presented someone with a riddle and they pretended to laugh and get it, they weren't actually part of your group. So it was dangerous for you to believe that that person really got it. So we're very attuned to whether people actually get it and can understand our riddles and jokes and decrypt them or not.

• 31:18Mike Carruthers?

  But boy, when people do get our jokes, I mean, laughter is like this lubricant, this social lubricant. We like being with people who make us laugh, and we like people who find us funny. And when that magic happens, it's, it's special.

• 31:37Speaker 02

  Of course, it's kind of hard to like get out there and make friends unless you do it with laughter and humor. Then you just want to hang out with people. Those are people who make you laugh and you make laugh. It's fun. It doesn't feel like a chore. Instead, it feels like we gotta do this again. This was incredible. For me, that's like, that's why I leave the house every day is hoping, just hoping that someone will make me laugh or laugh at my jokes.

• 31:58Mike Carruthers?

  And are you pretty good at that?

• 32:01Speaker 02

  You know, I would say that there are many people I've met who would say I'm very bad at that.

• 32:05Mike Carruthers?

  Well.

• 32:06Speaker 02

  But some people think I'm really good at it. So, you know, you only need a few. You don't need everything.

• 32:10Mike Carruthers?

  Yeah.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  And also, this is one of those things where if you, sometimes if you know, you try too hard, you come across a little like sweaty and constantly making jokes. You can never have a serious conversation. People don't like that either. You have to be able to

• 32:23Speaker 02

  do it when it's appropriate, but also turn it off.

• 32:26Mike Carruthers?

  You know what I find interesting is how people like different humor. Not everybody laughs at the same thing. You know, some people like potty humor, but other people find it so disgusting and offensive. And some things just, you know, they strike you funny because of your sense of humor, but I don't really know what a sense of humor is.

• 32:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's a, there's certainly a really big split between people who think like body humor or potty humor is funny or not. There tends to be like a bright line between those two kinds of people. I will say that I think that sense of humor is universal. But what you find funny is extremely personal and varies person to person. So what I mean by sense of humor is the ability to see the absurd in the world, to notice and find strange and delightful things around you. The ability to laugh at yourself and the desire to connect with other people and to put yourself out there to take a social risk. I think those are the building blocks of an actual sense of humor.

• 33:30Speaker 02

  What you find funny, what those things that you find delightful and absurd and laugh inducing, that changes person to person. So that is extremely personal. But I'm a really big believer that a sense of humor is a mindset and a mental muscle that you can strengthen and grow and make stronger. I think I've seen over the course of my career, both as a comedian, watching other comedians start out and get funnier and funnier and funnier, and also as someone who's taught comedy and taught workshops to people who have no desire to ever perform on stage. I've seen how you can learn these skills and bring more laughter and more humor into your life. So I really do believe that a sense of humor is a universal set of skills that can be taught and practiced and learned.

• 34:15Mike Carruthers?

  But there does seem to be a lot of, there seems to be a lot of people who are just naturally funny. They just, in any situation, can find the humor in it. And there are other people who simply cannot, and you know, they just don't have that. And I don't know if that's a virtue or not, but there does seem to be naturally funny people.

• 34:38Speaker 02

  You know, I'm gonna push back on you a little bit here. I think that there are certainly people who are, as adults, it comes more natural to them. But the idea that some people are born with it and some people aren't, I really don't believe that. I think if you go to an elementary school and you look at kids who are, you know, eight, nine years old, playing, you're gonna see that they all have great senses of humor. They're very willing to play make believe and pretend and ask silly questions and laugh. You know, certain kids have a little bit more of a serious side to them as well, but they're able to access humor and laughter in a way that I think a lot of adults aren't, which tells me that it's more of like we are, we

• 35:19Speaker 02

  get socialized to not do these things, to not ask questions that might make us look ridiculous or look less impressive, that we get socialized to not pretend and that we get socialized to not pay attention to the small odd details and to instead focus on the things that are quote unquote "normal." So.

• 35:41Speaker 02

  I do think that it is something that everyone has access to. Of course, like anything, right? There are people who are naturally faster and naturally slower. I don't think everyone has the same level of ability, but I do think it's something that everyone has.

• 35:53Mike Carruthers?

  But you know, people who you would say, he's really funny. That guy's really funny.

• 35:57Speaker 02

  Oh, of course. Yes, yes. Yeah, I guess, I guess the thing that I'm pushing back on is the idea that like, you're born with it and you either can or you don't, you do or do not have it. Like, sorry, I just wasn't born with it.

• 36:08Mike Carruthers?

  No, no, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that. I, how you get it is one thing, but there are people, there are people who seemingly are naturally funny that they're, they're easy, they can more easily be funny in a conversation. And there are people who are more awkward and whether it's

• 36:26Speaker 02

  Definitely.

• 36:27Mike Carruthers?

  God given or it's learned, there do seem to be people who are funny and people who are not so funny.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  Oh, yes, this is undeniably true. But there are people you interact with and you go, well, that person is the least funny person that I've ever seen in my life. That person is the equivalent of drywall. And then there's other people where you go, that person is hilarious. Every single interaction with them made me feel so connected and laughing. And we, I just like, I couldn't get enough of it. It was great. Yes, there certainly have, I have those experiences all the time. And also, you know, a lot of times if you don't click with someone comedically, like they make a joke and they think it's funny and you think like, this is one of the most painful experiences of my life to try and navigate this person thinking that that's funny.

• 37:13Mike Carruthers?

  Talk about the math of comedy. This is something I find really interesting because many, many, many years ago, I did stand up for a while and, and you know, and so you kind of start to examine what it is that makes people funny. And there is like a math to it. And so talk about that.

• 37:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, there are these these rules that make things funnier. And there's this math of comedy like you brought up. So one of the really basic pieces of the math of comedy is if you have a funny word or a punchline, you want that to go at the very end. Right? So if I say like, and then it turns out he had a kazoo. It's funnier to end on kazoo than it's like, and the kazoo was in his pocket. For some reason, that just like does not do it for us as much. Right? But you want the funniest word to be last. And part of that is because then there's a pause, a natural pause, which lets people fill the pause with their laughter. And so you need that space that laughter can fill into.

• 38:13Speaker 02

  And actually, even in regular conversation, if you look at where laughs happen, they so often happen as kind of this social lubricant that fills the the empty spaces and erases any awkwardness. Another piece of the the math of comedy that this is one of the most classic comedy rules is the rule of three. So a lot of really funny things are patterns. And the way the simplest way to establish a pattern is you bring something up once, you bring it up again, and then the third time it's a pattern and it's funny. It's the funniest time when you bring that thing up the third time. If you if you watch sitcoms, if you watch funny movies, you will notice this happening all the time, that something gets brought up once, it gets brought up a second time and it's funny, and it's really funny the third time.

• 38:57Speaker 02

  And and again, for reasons that I don't think anyone can exactly pinpoint, it's not as funny if you bring it up a fourth time or a fifth time. It kind of has diminishing returns. So there's this this really incredible maximum satisfaction rule of three. And then there's all sorts of other pieces of like comedy math for how what those three should be, because you generally want things to escalate. So like, hey, I'll see you at the store. Hey, I'll see you at your wedding. Hey, I'll see you at the president's inauguration. Right? Like, those are three escalating things. It is typically funnier to go up like that. But if you go too fast, then it's kind of.

• 39:40Speaker 02

  Like, the joke doesn't really make sense. If you go say like, "All right, I'll see you tomorrow at your house. I'll see you tomorrow on the moon." There's not really many, many places to go from there, right? Like, what's more absurd than the moon? So, this is sometimes referred during, in like, the comedy math as, uh, you, you want to take the local train to crazy town, not the express. And again, these are things that like, I think about when I'm writing stand-up jokes, or writing, you know, jokes for a comedy TV show. But I think that they actually do apply when you're just having a conversation, or trying to have more laughter in your regular life as a regular person. Because you can think about, right, like, if, if you are someone who sometimes finds yourself like, being the awkward one in conversations, one, one typical problem that people have is that they, they have brought something up like,

• 40:25Speaker 02

  too many times. They haven't followed the rule of three. Instead, they're following the rule of four or five. So, if there's something that makes everyone laugh, you have like, this natural, occurring joke where, right, like, someone hears a car horn honk outside, and they go like, "Hey, I'll be out in a minute," and everyone laughs. Okay, it's kind of a silly, like, basic, whatever joke. But then, next time a car honks, someone else says, "Hey, I'll be out in a minute." Someone else says that, and it's funny, it's really funny. If you do it a third time, it's definitely gonna be funny. But if you do it a fourth time, people are gonna be like, "We've already heard the car horn joke." You know, like, that's past it. And sometimes people don't realize that they're, they're kind of beating this thing into the ground. The other ones of like, that you want to end with the funniest thing. One of the common ways that people like, ask for help with

• 41:07Speaker 02

  comedy is, is like, "I have to write a speech, or I have to give a toast at a wedding." And I think this is one of the biggest things that people forget. It's like, they say the funny thing, and then they're intending to say another sentence after. And it's like, if you have a funny anecdote, and it ends with, "And that's when we found out that it was my brother in the car," don't say something else. Just say, "And that's when we found out it was my brother in the car." Laughs. You know, like, you have to end with the funny thing.

• 41:32Mike Carruthers?

  And then be quiet.

• 41:34Speaker 02

  Exactly. And then give them the space to laugh.

• 41:37Mike Carruthers?

  And sometimes, and everyone's had this experience, of being funny, and then realizing you went too far. It's inappropriate, you shouldn't have said that. And it's hard to know where that line is.

• 41:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. Again, comedy is so context dependent and so subjective and it depends on the relationship with the person who you're talking to and where that relationship is this particular day and tone and there's so many pieces. So it is kind of inevitable that you will get it wrong. It's also kind of inevitable that you will get it wrong even without comedy, but just having a conversation with someone for long enough, you're going to say something that's a little awkward or strange, but comedy certainly raises the stakes a little bit more. This is where I actually think that like, I would draw the distinction between comedy and humor, right? Like comedy is like the performance. And so if you're just trying to perform, right? Then it's like, it's all about me, pay attention. But if you're trying to have a good sense of

• 42:32Speaker 02

  humor, to me, a humor is about like laughing together and having a really like wonderful time with lots of laughs as a whole. So it might be that you're just laughing at the other person's joke. So how can you, with that goal of having like a better sense of humor in a collective way, how can you then like own up to, hey, I stepped over the line and I didn't mean to, and let's not do that again. I think a really big piece of that is being willing to laugh at yourself. Let's say like, oh, gosh, I put my foot in my mouth so badly. I'm so sorry. You know, and to laugh about that as well, to not just laugh outwardly focused, but also inwardly focused.

• 43:09Mike Carruthers?

  I know you're not a scientist necessarily, but you do talk about laughter as medicine in your book. So talk about that. Because we hear laughter is the best medicine, but what does that mean?

• 43:22Speaker 02

  Laughter is the best medicine is this phrase that people say all the time. And I think that we kind of all know that that is transparently not true, right? Like, obviously, penicillin is better medicine than laughter. Obviously, if I am in pain and you're about to do surgery on me, I wouldn't be like, forget the anesthesia, let me just hear a couple of great knock-knock jokes. Like, that's just transparently wrong. But for the book, I did some research and I talked to emergency room doctors, I talked to psychologists who ran a lab studying anxiety, and I talked to a nursing professor. Who worked in a nursing home with elderly patients.

• 44:03Speaker 02

  And they all showed me different ways that humor and laughter has played a really important role in their clinical practice. And the biggest piece is that laughter, it's not necessarily about like solving your medical issue, but it is about reframing your experience, right? Like, you can go from being so focused on like pain and loneliness and unhappiness and then laugh. And it can release that tension and reframe how you see it. And that can actually play a really significant role in your medical recovery from a condition, right? Like, changing the way people think about and feel about their condition is a real important medical outcome.

• 44:44Speaker 02

  So, an example that an emergency room doctor gave me is that often before he stitches someone up, he has to give them a local anesthetic. And the local anesthetic really burns when you first give it. It hurts before it makes the person numb. And he's found that if he can get the person to laugh right before or as he gives them the anesthetic, that they experience the pain much less, that they have a much better experience of receiving this anesthetic. So, he's in Boston and he would, you know, sometimes say to his patient if it seemed like they would appreciate this, he would say like, "What I'm about to do is gonna hurt more than what the Yankees did to the Red Sox last night." And they would, you know, laugh at this like, "I didn't expect my emergency room doctor to say that." And then the laughter would allow them to experience pain less. And at the nursing home, this nursing home in Hong Kong,

• 45:28Speaker 02

  they ran a study where they had people do basically a humor course, where they found things that made them laugh, they shared them with this other group. And what they found is that the elderly residents of this nursing home had increased satisfaction with their life, they had decreased loneliness, and they experienced less pain in their day to day because laughter was this part of their life. So, that's an incredible outcome that also has kind of no negative side effects. So, in some ways laughter is the best medicine as long as you use it with other really good effective medicine.

• 46:00Mike Carruthers?

  Well, laughter is something everybody does, or I hope they do at some point in their life, and yet we don't talk about it much. We don't really understand what it does, how it works, and the benefits of it. So I appreciate you sharing that. Christopher Duffy has been my guest. He is the host of the podcast How to Be a Better Human and author of the book Humor Me: How Laughing Can Make You More Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy. And there's a link to his book and to his podcast in the show notes. I really appreciate you making time to have me. Thank you so much for this.

• 46:37Mike Carruthers?

  You've probably heard that driving your car with less than a quarter tank of gas is bad for the vehicle. Well, that idea mostly comes from older cars where running low could expose or damage the fuel pump. In modern cars, that's mostly no longer true. Driving below a quarter tank by itself won't hurt your engine or your fuel system. But with that said, running very low on fuel, or frequently driving on fumes, can cause problems over time. Gasoline helps to cool and lubricate the fuel pump, and when the fuel level gets too low, the pump can run hotter than it should. Extremely low levels can also allow

• 47:19Mike Carruthers?

  the pump to pull in sediment from the bottom of the tank, and that can clog filters and contribute to wear. So here's the practical takeaway. Dipping below a quarter tank isn't a big deal, but routinely pushing your tank close to empty isn't great for your car, and it increases your chances of actually running out of gas and being stranded. Filling up around a quarter tank isn't a hard rule, but it's not a bad idea. And that is something you should know. Something You Should Know is produced by Jennifer Brennan, Jeff Havison. Executive producer is Ken Williams. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thank you for listening today to Something You Should Know.