Pod Insights Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast America's Sweetheart w/ Ari Shaffir About this episode Are You Garbage is back with America's Sweetheart, Ari Shaffir! We're talkin' cheating at the poker table, drinkin' beers and answering your garbage questions! You Know Ari Shaffir from Stand Up Comedy, Protect Our Parks, the Joe Rogan Experience, You Be Trippin, This is Not Happening, Kill Tony, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, The Tucker Carlson Show and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show!
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Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test.
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Transcript 15,955 words · 5 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 H. Foley? Attention, attention, army of garbage, the boys are back on the road for the back on the block, boy, baby. Talking about stand-up comedy, plus we play Are You Garbage Live with the crowd. It's a great way to introduce people to the show, so grab the squad, come out and see us.
0:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, this March we're starting in Pontiac, Michigan, Indianapolis, Indiana, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Madison, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Cleveland, Ohio, Atlantic City, New Jersey, and gang, tickets are going quick, get them while supplies, last, the boys are coming to town.
0:30 H. Foley? See you out there.
0:31 Speaker 02 Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
0:51 H. Foley? Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
0:58 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
0:58 H. Foley? It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they're good to be classy.
1:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03 H. Foley? Or just a big old piece of trash.
1:05 Speaker 01 Trash, trash, trash.
1:06 H. Foley? I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day, we're out back here with Toody's and the new addition, she's upstairs practicing bending spoons with her mind.
1:15 Speaker 01 Oh, okay. Is that an H. Foley original?
1:18 H. Foley? Yuri Geller. No. That's some Toody's tall can over there on the old Patreon. I thought it was a think piece.
1:25 Speaker 01 He's subbed out the Toody jokes to Patreon.
1:27 Speaker 03 Is she using her hands? She's gotta really use her hands.
1:30 H. Foley? Yeah, see, he had a think into it. Ari got it, you didn't.
1:33 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:34 H. Foley? This guy, you're a real popcorn kind of guy.
1:36 Speaker 03 Ari Geller.
1:37 H. Foley? Bubble gum movies, it's a think piece right here. That's Toody's tall can over there on Patreon. I'm having a good time with it. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, extremely unamused this week. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage, he is an international businessman, and my best pal in the whole wide world, word on the street, he's gonna open up a Cold Stone. Creamery.
1:56 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:57 H. Foley? Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
1:58 Speaker 01 What the fuck happened to you over the weekend? Hey, gang, shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube and obviously the greatest website of all time. WWW.PATRIOT.COM. Oh, yeah. Garbage Gang over there. You get all that bonus content and the boys are back on the road, the back on the block door. All tickets available at REUgarbage.com.
2:16 H. Foley? Absolutely. Again, we could be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He's family at this point.
2:25 Speaker 03 Sure. At this point, yeah.
2:26 H. Foley? He's been up, he's been down, he's been trash, he's been class, he's been crazy, he's been not crazy. He's tried to smoke in here several times and he's got a brand new special out right now on Netflix that you gotta check out. Give it up for America's sweetheart, Mr. Ari Shaffir.
2:43 Speaker 03 Thank you, everybody.
2:44 H. Foley? There he is. Look at him.
2:45 Speaker 03 Talking to a lawyer right now about changing my name to Ari U garbage.
2:49 Speaker 01 That's pretty glow. Hey, as an international businessman, I'd get on top of that.
2:53 Speaker 03 The CEO over here, let us, let us take you.
2:57 H. Foley? I like that.
2:58 Speaker 01 That's good.
2:58 H. Foley? That's not too shabby.
3:01 Speaker 01 You could do Ari U Jewish. That would be.
3:05 H. Foley? Yes.
3:06 Speaker 01 I'm not, but my mother is. That's a think piece. Talk about thinkers.
3:12 Speaker 03 You guys are going highbrow now.
3:13 Speaker 01 I know.
3:13 H. Foley? I'm trying to. I'm trying to. This guy over here.
3:17 Speaker 03 You went from unibrow to highbrow. I like it.
3:19 Speaker 01 I still got a uni cook in a little bit.
3:22 H. Foley? I used to tweeze mine in high school. That was my big thing.
3:25 Speaker 03 Really?
3:25 Speaker 01 How else would you do it?
3:25 H. Foley? Yeah. Tweezed it. Dude, in high school, it was bad.
3:29 Speaker 03 What happened? Just freed up on its own?
3:31 H. Foley? Yeah, just kinda, I think from doing it so much, it went away.
3:34 Speaker 03 Your body was like, we get it.
3:35 H. Foley? Yeah, we get it. Yeah.
3:36 Speaker 01 How else would you do it? Shave it?
3:38 H. Foley? Yeah, I shaved it sometimes. That was bad.
3:40 Speaker 01 Yeah, but you get, you get nicked up on that.
3:42 Speaker 03 Get hoodie on to wish it off.
3:46 Speaker 01 Were you a unibrow kid? I could peg you as a, you're a hairy man.
3:49 Speaker 03 No.
3:50 Speaker 01 None?
3:50 Speaker 03 No, no, I got hair in other places.
3:51 H. Foley? Got good separation. You have hair on your shoulders?
3:54 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
3:55 H. Foley? Did you have the, on your shoulders in high school?
3:57 Speaker 03 No, it came afterwards because God sucks.
4:00 Speaker 01 You must have.
4:00 Speaker 03 Oh, nowhere else I could think that I'd want more hair.
4:04 Speaker 01 More patchy hair.
4:07 H. Foley? You must have been an odd looking kid.
4:09 Speaker 01 I have to say this is-
4:09 H. Foley? 14, 15?
4:11 Speaker 01 This is my favorite Ari look. You look like a good looking guy here.
4:14 Speaker 03 Standard balding gym.
4:15 Speaker 01 The beard's pretty good. Bald but cool, it's still pretty good. Sometimes you come in, it looks like you came in out of the fucking subway tunnel.
4:22 H. Foley? Nine different people.
4:23 Speaker 03 Sometimes I'm haggard.
4:24 Speaker 01 Sometimes you're a-
4:25 Speaker 03 I got that homeless look going if I don't shave.
4:26 Speaker 01 It's a coin flip of what Ari you're gonna get.
4:28 H. Foley? Yeah, you can look very Devon Aaron Swab. And even, even when you shave the top-
4:32 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:33 H. Foley? Sometimes that looks better.
4:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:35 H. Foley? You look put together.
4:36 Speaker 03 The best was at Norman's bachelor party, I had a, the fully shaved top, sides.
4:40 Speaker 01 Like the crown?
4:41 H. Foley? Yeah, you look kinda good with that.
4:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:43 H. Foley? It's funny.
4:43 Speaker 03 Yeah, I extra shaved it, extra balded it.
4:46 Speaker 01 I mean-
4:48 H. Foley? But imagine him 14, 15?
4:50 Speaker 01 It was like the AYG in Friends, he came in side face, two faced.
4:53 Speaker 03 Oh, I had hair back then.
4:54 Speaker 01 And then, and then kept it for, for months, you had to-
4:57 H. Foley? But I assume-
4:57 Speaker 03 Oh, the half and half?
4:58 Speaker 01 The half and half.
4:58 Speaker 03 Oh, the half and half ruled.
4:59 H. Foley? Yeah, you kept that way too long.
5:00 Speaker 03 Drunk white chicks loved it. They were fighting with their boyfriends in the street, like, "Nah, you're a piece of shit. You're a fuck-" "Oh my god! I love it!"
5:11 H. Foley? Two different people.
5:12 Speaker 01 Let's go take a picture with this semi homeless man.
5:16 Speaker 03 That, or like little kids, little 12 year old boys, they'd stare at me and they'd go to their mom, they wouldn't even take their eyes off me, they'd just go-
5:22 Speaker 01 Like a horror movie when like the UFOs coming in?
5:25 H. Foley? I get that sometimes from little kids. They look at me like that.
5:29 Speaker 03 Yeah.
5:29 Speaker 01 I've seen it.
5:30 Speaker 03 How come there's so much of that, man?
5:31 H. Foley? Yeah. One, one kid one time, I was, uh-
5:35 Speaker 01 Put a dollar in your belly button?
5:38 Speaker 03 Like the western wall, the bread into Foley?
5:42 Speaker 01 The whaling wall, stuffing notes?
5:44 Speaker 03 Put little, put little notes in his folds.
5:46 H. Foley? I got Japanese tourists climbing on me, "Get off me!"
5:49 Speaker 03 I just want world peace. Beat it.
5:51 H. Foley? No, I was-
5:52 Speaker 01 Trying to take a nap here.
5:53 H. Foley? You know those, uh, things that you shower in after, when you, when you're done on the beach, like the little like, public little-
5:59 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
6:00 H. Foley? Sprinklers? I was in one of those. Rinse off some, some sand on me. Cause I'd been rolling around on the beach-
6:08 Speaker 01 And some Dorito dust on my back, I couldn't get it-
6:10 Speaker 03 Doggy get in there and just like-
6:12 H. Foley? Woo, shake, I'm biting at it.
6:16 H. Foley? And this kid was like, uh, his kid pointed at me and he goes, "Mommy, why's his belly so big?"
6:21 Speaker 03 Oh, that hurts.
6:23 H. Foley? Cause your mom's a whore.
6:27 H. Foley? Cause your dad laughed and I'll beat it.
6:29 Speaker 01 Uh, what did you do? Did you go, ah, cute kid?
6:32 H. Foley? I just started laughing, you know, you gotta play, they're little kids, you gotta play along. I've been called Santa Claus a couple of times. Mommy, is that Santa Claus? Or daddy, is that Santa Claus?
6:42 Speaker 03 And you're on the bad list.
6:44 Speaker 01 Man, dude, you're so fat, you're getting mistaken for fake guys? That's crazy.
6:50 Speaker 03 Yeah, mythical characters, mythical fat. It's not even a regular fat. You can't even be like, not Kevin, Governor Christie.
6:59 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's like, it's not even real people.
7:00 H. Foley? What little kids gonna do that?
7:02 Speaker 01 That guy was all over the news. The fucking Bridgegate? Are you kidding me?
7:08 Speaker 03 Bridgegate completely killed your beach. Wildwood went down.
7:13 Speaker 01 No, that's not Bridgegate.
7:15 Speaker 03 Uh, Bridgegate was like, nobody could vacation that week.
7:18 Speaker 01 No, Bridgegate was he, it was the G W B.
7:20 H. Foley? Yeah, he was jamming it up.
7:21 Speaker 01 He was fighting with Edge, with Edgewater or someone, one of the-
7:24 H. Foley? Fort Lee.
7:25 Speaker 01 Fort Lee, and shut down one of the lanes on the bridge, which just fucking-
7:29 Speaker 03 Oh, annihilated it.
7:30 Speaker 01 Just, just crushed the, the town on the other side.
7:32 H. Foley? I gotta tell ya, I respect the move.
7:35 Speaker 03 Respect it.
7:35 Speaker 01 Fucking over a whole fucking region?
7:37 H. Foley? 100%. If you're, if dude, if you're in an office like that and you're not playing fucking chess with the roadways, you're crazy.
7:45 Speaker 03 Gotta go hardball.
7:46 H. Foley? 100%.
7:47 Speaker 01 Sure, okay.
7:48 H. Foley? Shut down the Empire State Building one day, just for hits and gigs.
7:53 H. Foley? Put fucking cones up everywhere.
7:54 Speaker 03 The line's gonna be six blocks long to get to the top.
7:57 Speaker 01 That'll fix them.
7:59 H. Foley? Oh, God. Buddy, can we tell you this?
8:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:02 H. Foley? We love ya.
8:02 Speaker 03 Yeah, I love you guys too.
8:03 H. Foley? Congrats on the special.
8:04 Speaker 01 And that's all the time we have for that.
8:08 Speaker 01 A hot seven minutes.
8:10 H. Foley? Ari leaving, huh?
8:14 Speaker 03 Thank you very much, I appreciate it. I'm glad it finally came out.
8:17 H. Foley? Happy for you, looks beautiful, it's fantastic.
8:19 Speaker 01 Again, wild set design.
8:21 Speaker 03 Yeah, right?
8:21 Speaker 01 That's insane.
8:22 Speaker 03 Yeah, the eyes are on us. We either gotta like top it, or we gotta do like a blank white like holodeck wall. And uh, I'm like, let's go for it.
8:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, I mean, Ari Shaffir- Guy takes chances. The guy's out there creating, taking swings. Goddamn artist he is.
8:38 H. Foley? Why do you lock down something like that?
8:40 Speaker 03 I met Aaron Judge.
8:41 Speaker 01 We were there for that, and you turned into a dim-witted 12-year-old when that happened.
8:47 Speaker 03 I don't remember any of that.
8:49 Speaker 01 Hey, Mr. Judge.
8:51 Speaker 03 This podcast continues to be full of lies.
8:53 H. Foley? What do you?
8:54 Speaker 03 I was. I was a bubbling idiot.
8:56 H. Foley? Where'd you score that kind of greenery?
8:58 Speaker 03 I had to source it. It was, it cost a bank load.
9:01 H. Foley? Was it fake or was it?
9:02 Speaker 03 All real.
9:03 H. Foley? No, it wasn't.
9:04 Speaker 03 You can hear in the beginning of the special, my nose a little stuffed up from the pollen.
9:07 H. Foley? Oh my god.
9:08 Speaker 03 That's how, that's how real it was.
9:10 Speaker 01 It looked like you were in a video game.
9:11 H. Foley? Is that one of the Benadryl?
9:13 Speaker 03 Yep. We had those big elephant ear plants, like that one, and, uh, like that one, but real.
9:18 Speaker 01 Those are real. We have someone come in and prune those every day, Ari.
9:21 H. Foley? Yeah, every two weeks.
9:22 Speaker 01 They're real. Ari, you don't know nothing about horticulture. Don't touch it.
9:25 H. Foley? His guy's named Steven.
9:25 Speaker 01 Ari, don't touch it.
9:26 H. Foley? Their poison is Ari!
9:29 Speaker 01 Oh my god, you just killed us all.
9:32 Speaker 03 I'm more interested in horticulture.
9:34 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
9:35 H. Foley? No, they weren't all real. There's no way.
9:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, all real.
9:38 H. Foley? You just threw all that out, or did you get, everybody gets taken home like a centerpiece at a wedding?
9:41 Speaker 03 Yeah, the flowers, we made centerpieces out of it, gave it out to the crew. The elephant ear stuff, those will live for like 50 years. Those went back, and they'll all use it for other stuff, for weddings and stuff.
9:49 H. Foley? That's pretty cute. I like that.
9:51 Speaker 03 Yeah, they went nuts. Foundry, design, foundry, they were like, I told them the idea, they're like, you can do this for like about, I'm like, oh, that's not, that's like seven plants, no way.
10:00 H. Foley? Cause that's very in style these days, is to have a wall of, of, of green here like that. Did you know that?
10:05 Speaker 03 I was taking pictures everywhere. Everywhere I went, I see something like that, I was taking pictures for like, effect, but then...
10:10 H. Foley? A living wall, they call it, I believe.
10:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
10:13 Speaker 01 Some call you that as well. Back on the wall jokes.
10:19 Speaker 01 Goddamn kids. The kids are firing today, gang.
10:22 Speaker 03 Yeah, but we told them what I wanted. I sent them the, the, the material, like, oh, this is cool. Alright, you know what? Let's go nuts. And they just on their own, just kinda like went above and beyond.
10:30 H. Foley? Very classy of you, can I tell you that?
10:32 Speaker 01 Whoa.
10:33 H. Foley? That's one point in your favor.
10:35 Speaker 03 That's all I've ever wanted.
10:37 H. Foley? One.
10:37 Speaker 01 You are a classy guy when it comes to friendship and unity.
10:41 H. Foley? Sure.
10:41 Speaker 01 And stuff like that.
10:43 Speaker 03 U N I T Y S T U F F.
10:46 Speaker 01 You're a nice guy.
10:47 H. Foley? Hygiene, dress, not so much.
10:50 Speaker 01 Everywhere. Then it really falls apart into like, you know, crackheadiness.
10:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, I went, I tried a year ago, you're reminding me that I said, it was like, let me try no deodorant for a bit.
11:00 Speaker 01 Wait, what are you doing?
11:01 Speaker 03 I was like, I'm gonna shower every day. Let me see if I could do it. And then the thing is, I wouldn't shower every day. It's like those people who go like, I can't afford this new apartment. I'll just quit smoking and I'll have extra money. Yeah, good luck. That's a great plan.
11:12 Speaker 01 Who's ever done that?
11:13 Speaker 03 Yeah, no one ever has. Yeah. But, yeah, then I was like-
11:17 H. Foley? Start smoking work because of the stress.
11:18 Speaker 01 Yeah. I can't cover this rent on the first.
11:21 Speaker 03 I wouldn't shower, then I'd be out, and whoever I'm with, like, what the fuck, man? And I'm like, oh, yeah.
11:26 Speaker 01 How many, how many days a week you say you're showering?
11:28 Speaker 03 I would, I would like to say I do it every day.
11:30 Speaker 01 No, I know what you would, you'd like to say a lot of things are. How many days have you had to?
11:34 H. Foley? I'd like to say I'm not Santa Claus, too, but I can't.
11:37 Speaker 01 You're under oath, you're in front of a ju, you're actually, you're in court, hey, how many days a week did you shower?
11:42 H. Foley? Hand on the bible.
11:43 Speaker 03 Old Testament.
11:46 Speaker 03 I'm a scroll. Yeah, touch the back of the scroll.
11:50 H. Foley? Trying to get you into technicality. You'll swear in the New Testament any day in a week, you don't give a shit.
11:56 Speaker 03 We're all gonna make this up anyway, I'll swear on a, I'll swear on a, post, like a fanfiction story.
12:02 Speaker 03 I don't know.
12:03 H. Foley? Might as well be a Batman comic.
12:04 Speaker 01 This guy, I mean, ma, if you're watching, I apologize.
12:08 Speaker 03 It's like, oh, wouldn't it be cool if there's a sequel? An unauthorized sequel?
12:13 Speaker 01 Hey, all right, I don't appreciate that. Goddamn Catholic household. Tony's upstairs, you're gonna come down, you're gonna be pissed. Get him out of here!
12:21 Speaker 03 Oh, Tony, stop, Tony, stop, Tony, stop.
12:23 Speaker 01 She picks you up by your neck?
12:25 Speaker 03 It's like Darth Vader's me.
12:29 Speaker 03 I don't know, maybe five, maybe five. Depend, but I'll go like four days in a row without, and then do every day.
12:35 Speaker 01 And you're like going, or is that, you're just in the house, or you're like, you're going to do spots and stuff?
12:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, so I'll go like one day with those, and then if I don't have a spot the next day, I'll just run it. I'll just run it.
12:44 H. Foley? Can I, can I, can I, can I be honest?
12:47 Speaker 03 Of course, man, that's all I've ever wanted out of you.
12:49 H. Foley? Thank you.
12:49 Speaker 01 Well, are you gonna start now, fucking five years in?
12:52 H. Foley? What about this?
12:53 Speaker 01 Johnny McLiars?
12:55 H. Foley? In the winter.
12:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:59 Speaker 01 We both know where this is going and it's to...
13:02 H. Foley? He does what he likes to call shutting it down. I like to read.
13:05 Speaker 01 He likes...
13:07 H. Foley? No, you go a day. Okay?
13:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:11 H. Foley? And then, the next day goes again. You don't shower.
13:16 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:16 H. Foley? You really start to get into like, a film and a feeling that I know is not good and probably somewhere in the depression sphere.
13:27 Speaker 03 Oh, it helps. It helps. If you really wanna be depressed and lean into it, no showering really gets you there.
13:32 Speaker 01 Let that film build up and slide right on into it.
13:35 Speaker 03 And then people leave you alone, it's like a compound disinterest.
13:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, they distance themselves.
13:39 H. Foley? Cause I don't get like, like you strike me, and no disrespect, you strike me as a traditional BO kinda guy. Like you got real hoagie smell.
13:48 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm not a curry guy. I'm not like a cat smell. Yeah, right at the middle of just like BO.
13:54 H. Foley? I'm a, I'm a fat guy BO, a little bit of, it's like musky and sour.
14:01 Speaker 03 You get the ball, once you get the ball film, like some salt here in between that tank, you're like, I know it smells here too.
14:07 Speaker 01 Between my leg and my fat upper pussy area?
14:11 Speaker 03 Ugh.
14:11 Speaker 01 Dude, you can get some cottage cheese in there on a summer day.
14:14 Speaker 03 Cause you can't smell your own farts and you can't also smell your own bo- but then sometimes you're like, oh.
14:18 H. Foley? Who says you can't smell your own farts?
14:20 Speaker 03 You can't smell your own farts.
14:21 Speaker 01 Buddy, I don't, you'd even hang.
14:23 Speaker 03 You can smell them, but they're not as bad, they're not as bad, you can handle them.
14:26 H. Foley? I think you enjoy them.
14:28 Speaker 03 It's like, it's like opening up like a sandwich on the plane, you're like, it's most fine for me. Everyone else is like, what the fuck? Who's doing eating Brussels sprouts? But when you're ready, with some cheese and unready cheese smell, it's like, ugh.
14:41 Speaker 01 Oh, you're not wrong.
14:42 Speaker 03 Yeah, so if I could smell my own pits, it's real bad.
14:45 H. Foley? Yeah, and you seem like a right up the middle, extra onions. Ooh, a little bit of oregano, red wine vinegar.
14:52 Speaker 01 A little hummusy too.
14:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah, make my own paste.
14:57 H. Foley? It's not real tahini?
15:00 Speaker 03 Tzatziki Shaffir.
15:02 H. Foley? Tzatziki Shaffir.
15:03 Speaker 01 That's pretty good, that's alright. Tzatziki?
15:07 H. Foley? Get you an Ibiza for the weekend.
15:11 Speaker 03 And everyone's like, no one's near my booth. Cause they're all 20 feet away.
15:17 H. Foley? How many days did you make it?
15:19 Speaker 03 Adrian was, Adrian, we were flying to somewhere, Pittsburgh, and she, I saw her come back. I was on like row seven, she was in like four fifteen. She comes back past me after she's down, and I'm like, what's going on? And then she goes back, and I'm like, what is it? She goes, I can't, someone stinks. They, they, they went back to inspect themselves, see if she wasn't just carrying it. And they go, we'll, yeah, we'll get you.
15:40 Speaker 01 Really?
15:41 Speaker 03 Yeah, and I was like, how bad could it have been? When they were deplaning, I was taking my time, because waiting for her. And it was like, oh, oh, that's gotta be them. They came by me, and it was so bad. You should be, no, you can't be on this plane.
15:52 Speaker 01 It's, it's old and it's, it's a hackneyed premise, but the same, sometimes you get in a car share or something, you're going, how is, how has nobody done it? This is wild.
16:01 Speaker 03 Start with four stars.
16:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:03 Speaker 03 Your max sent out at four. If everything's great, play this is good and I get mints, max you can get is four if you got that BO.
16:10 H. Foley? I dated a Polish girl one time, her old man.
16:13 Speaker 03 Congratulations.
16:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, they really are dumb, huh? Nothing on there.
16:17 Speaker 03 How many Polack jokes must there have been? Anytime you get something wrong, it's like noise.
16:22 H. Foley? Her dad came over, man, you didn't know what it was. The scent was nuts.
16:28 Speaker 03 Yeah, pierogi reek.
16:30 H. Foley? The BO, and I've said it before, the dumps were unbelievable.
16:34 Speaker 03 Oh.
16:35 H. Foley? You couldn't piece it together. You couldn't even like figure out the food group to try to track it down. It was just strange.
16:42 Speaker 03 Ever smell an extra bad dump? Like at the airport, sometimes you could smell someone's taking a dump. Sometimes it's like, what the fuck?
16:48 Speaker 01 A nuclear poop, as I refer to it as.
16:51 Speaker 03 What are they eating? My dog will do that sometimes, if it starts a new food.
16:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:55 Speaker 03 Oh, extra bad, but a human?
16:58 Speaker 01 I, I mean, I, I, I think you might have walked in on me in the bathroom once or twice. I mean, I definitely.
17:03 Speaker 03 Kevin's body's revolting.
17:05 Speaker 01 My wife asked me recently, have I ever not had diarrhea? That's what she asked me recently. We shared a hotel room for four days, and she goes, has it ever been solid?
17:12 H. Foley? Still in the honeymoon phase, huh?
17:14 Speaker 03 That was me when I got back from Asia, and Rogan was like, you have diarrhea? I'm like, the whole time.
17:18 Speaker 01 Exclusively.
17:18 Speaker 03 Yeah, four straight months of diarrhea.
17:21 Speaker 01 Highly encouraged over there.
17:23 Speaker 03 Talk about a cleanse.
17:24 H. Foley? I would assume your digestive tract is probably pretty, uh, weathered and pretty, pretty strong at this point.
17:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:31 H. Foley? With the weird places you've been.
17:32 Speaker 03 Sustained a lot of stuff.
17:33 H. Foley? Yeah.
17:34 Speaker 01 What is the weirdest thing you've eaten, Mr. Schaffer?
17:36 Speaker 03 Talked about it, I think, I've eaten guinea pig, I've eaten, uh, I've eaten, uh, worm, uh...
17:43 Speaker 01 Worms was enough.
17:44 Speaker 03 Yeah, beetle larva. That's what it was. Ants.
17:48 Speaker 01 A little tiny.
17:48 Speaker 03 All in Ecuador.
17:50 Speaker 01 Okay.
17:51 Speaker 03 Whale. I've had whale burgers in Norway.
17:53 Speaker 01 A burger? You don't even get a steak to that?
17:55 Speaker 03 I had a zebra burger in the UK.
17:57 Speaker 01 What?
17:57 Speaker 03 They had a zebra burger in, uh, in some market.
18:00 H. Foley? I've had kangaroo and ostrich. Great.
18:03 Speaker 03 Yeah, I've had both of them.
18:04 H. Foley? Fucked up to say it.
18:05 Speaker 03 Where? Australia?
18:05 H. Foley? I had it right here in fucking New York City, baby.
18:07 Speaker 03 That's not kangaroo, that's homeless. They served you homeless and called the kangaroo.
18:11 Speaker 01 It was a McDonald's in Flushing, Queens.
18:13 H. Foley? It was a guy wearing a Kangol hat.
18:15 Speaker 01 What?
18:16 Speaker 03 Your kangaroo right here.
18:17 Speaker 01 That's a stretch. Well, Bear Burger used to do that, right?
18:21 Speaker 03 Ostrich Burger?
18:22 H. Foley? No, this was at the Waterfront Ale House on 30th and 2nd.
18:25 Speaker 03 They had kangaroo.
18:26 Speaker 01 I heard that kangaroo burger packs a punch. I'm sorry.
18:31 Speaker 01 Hey, box!
18:32 Speaker 03 They packed a, oh, okay. Damn. A real Norman episode for us here.
18:36 Speaker 01 Ah, got that.
18:39 H. Foley? Eh, keep it in. Shout out to Mr.
18:42 Speaker 01 Shout out to Mark Nyman.
18:43 H. Foley? Yeah, let's talk about Truework.
18:44 Speaker 01 Shout out to Truework, gang.
18:46 H. Foley? Gang, Truework is hell-bent on creating the most technical, high-performance workwear in the world. The Truework story begins in the Colorado mountains where a trade worker knew there had to be a better solution than wet, heavy gear that was weighing him down. And that is when Truework was born.
19:06 Speaker 01 Yep. Uh, they were nice. The good folks over there at Trueworks, talk about whipping work.
19:10 H. Foley? Top quality stuff.
19:11 Speaker 01 They were nice enough to send us some gear on the arm. Shout out to you. Respect a couple gentlemen like that.
19:17 H. Foley? Course.
19:17 Speaker 01 I had the, I got a hoodie. Man, I didn't, I, I didn't realize. I grabbed, I threw it on. I had to go walk the dog. Whoo! Dude, it was snowing, rain, sleet, everything. I was in.
19:28 H. Foley? Is that right?
19:29 Speaker 01 I was in there snug as a bug in a rug, daddy-o.
19:32 H. Foley? Shout out to Truework.
19:32 Speaker 01 Fantastic. Every Truework product is.
19:34 H. Foley? The mountains of Colorado, that's, that's the day in the park.
19:37 Speaker 01 No. Every Truework product is engineered for, uh, maximum comfort, protection, and efficiency with minimum bulk or extra weight. You're tactical. You can move in it. It's soft, stretchy, sweat-wicking soft shell. Work pants are a major upgrade over wet, heavy jeans. Wind and waterproof shells use the. intelligently placed insulation for streamlined warmth to let you stay mobile and agile. Listen, we got a lot of blue collar workers out there. Get yourself some Truework for your own job site. You're not one of them bums with the ripped jeans and the inseam, which has happened to me two, three times.
20:05 H. Foley? I'll tell you one thing I know about wet jeans, and they stink.
20:09 Speaker 01 Check the full lineup and get 15% off your first order at truewerk.com/garbage. That's 15% off at Truework, T-R-U-E-W-E-R-K.com/garbage. Do it.
20:20 H. Foley? Gang, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
20:22 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
20:22 H. Foley? Gang, let's talk about talk therapy, baby. We're big fans of BetterHelp over here on the pod. As you know, I've just gotten into talk therapy and I can tell you right now, no matter what's going on, it's better to talk about it than to keep it in, keep it all bottled.
20:37 Speaker 01 And you lash out at your coworkers.
20:39 H. Foley? Woo, you said it, dickhead. I'll tell you that right now. Gang, do yourself a favor. If you've got something big going on, if you have something maybe unresolved from your childhood, which apparently I had, or I don't know what this guy's problem is, but apparently I'm a little bit screwballs.
20:53 Speaker 01 Sure.
20:54 H. Foley? Do yourself a favor, all right? Talk it out, man. It's not worth it.
20:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:58 H. Foley? Blow off some steam, whether it's big, whether it's small. Get on the phone, get on the video, do what you need to do and talk it out with BetterHelp.
21:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's fantastic. Listen, new year too, new year, new you. This is a time to be like, you know what? I'm going to take that step and BetterHelp is an easy step into the pool, baby. You get in, you can figure it out from there. It's super non-committal. You can call and text, you can sit in an office, talk to some guy. My guy used to fall asleep on me, so I gotta can you. I gotta sit in here.
21:25 H. Foley? I apologize to you for that.
21:27 Speaker 01 BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable, convenient and serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access to a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialty. You can easily switch at any time at no cost, like I've said, which is a big, big thing when you're starting therapy. Write your story with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/garbage to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com/garbage. Do it.
21:50 H. Foley? And buddy, again, congratulations, we love ya.
21:53 Speaker 03 Thank you.
21:53 Speaker 01 Enough dicking around here, let's get into the goddamn questions.
21:56 Speaker 03 Oh, boy, what is this?
21:57 Speaker 01 This is the first episode we've ever done, kind of, now, he's gotta do something.
22:01 H. Foley? Here goes the fidgets.
22:02 Speaker 01 This is the first episode we've kind of done with you, straight up. Cause the first one, you came in, straight up as a first guest, where we decided if you were garbage or not.
22:10 H. Foley? You want me to be, you wanted me to be impressed by your shuffling skills so bad.
22:13 Speaker 01 Holy shit, alright, well, let's start right there, that is a question, I swear to fucking god.
22:17 Speaker 03 What is the question?
22:18 H. Foley? You just looked at me like, "Yeah, pretty cool, huh? Not shell for a couple of days, you like that, fatty?"
22:23 Speaker 01 This is from Tony.
22:24 Speaker 03 These are stiff.
22:25 Speaker 01 Are you garbage if you brag about how well you can shuffle cards?
22:29 Speaker 03 I do brag. When you see somebody shuffling like this, just like, like that, and pushing together, I'm like, "Let me show you."
22:35 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's all, but that's kind of, the dealers go corner to corner a lot of times.
22:38 Speaker 03 Yeah, and then they just push them in, but I'm like, "No, dude, I want..."
22:41 Speaker 01 You want that, and then, I believe it's called the waterfall.
22:43 H. Foley? They don't even shuffle anymore, they got that fucking machine there that does it.
22:46 Speaker 03 The machine, yeah.
22:47 Speaker 01 Poker they do, or a lot of ti- or, I guess maybe not anymore, I guess they, they, they do. But that is ver- why is that, that is a very garbage tendency. It means you're not good, you don't got a lot going on, if you're like, "Check out how I shuffle cards."
22:59 Speaker 03 You're, you're, all your time- All your time is spent in between hands.
23:03 Speaker 01 Yes, yeah, yeah.
23:05 Speaker 03 Just a lot of fucking downtime.
23:06 H. Foley? Just sitting at a table, doing it.
23:07 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:08 H. Foley? I always thought it was cool as shit, I always respected it.
23:10 Speaker 03 I used to have, I used to play a lot of poker in, in LA.
23:13 Speaker 01 You get good at it, from poker.
23:14 Speaker 03 And then I was with my friend, we're playing blackjack in, in a casino in Vegas, and I was doing that shuffling the chips.
23:19 Speaker 01 I do that too.
23:20 H. Foley? That is cool.
23:20 Speaker 01 I do the shuffle of the chips.
23:22 Speaker 03 It's just like, you know, to look at, you can do two hands, and he goes, "Play a lot of cards, are you?"
23:25 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
23:26 H. Foley? Yeah, I got a problem.
23:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, no, I got a real, I have a real addiction.
23:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, the-
23:30 H. Foley? The Russian mobs looking for you.
23:32 Speaker 01 The, the chip shuffle at the table, at like, a fucking roulette table, or blackjack table, or whatever, lets you know you been right, I ain't, I ain't my first fucking time here. Now, count me a room?
23:43 H. Foley? Or throw me out.
23:44 Speaker 01 I'm shuffling thirty-one dollar chips.
23:46 Speaker 03 You ever been thrown out of a table?
23:48 Speaker 01 No, he doesn't like how I, he thinks I get a little too testy at the table.
23:52 Speaker 03 Tested with what, the dealer, or the people?
23:54 Speaker 01 The dealer.
23:55 H. Foley? Yeah.
23:55 Speaker 01 I'm having a good, it's all in jest, Ari.
23:57 Speaker 03 Making fun of him, she's like, "Come on, what you're doing is terrible."
24:00 Speaker 01 I'll go, I, you know, I-
24:02 H. Foley? You fucking piece of shit, you're ripping me off, fuck you! Literally, that's the kind of stuff that'll say. We'll be sitting there having a nice night-
24:09 Speaker 01 Nope.
24:09 H. Foley? After a lovely meal, nice four dollar steak over at the El Corazón.
24:13 Speaker 01 Shaking a beer.
24:16 Speaker 01 How about you come to your house and stick my dick in your ass?
24:19 Speaker 03 Turn the table over.
24:21 H. Foley? Dude, he doesn't realize it. He gets a couple of them fucking drinks in him.
24:26 Speaker 03 Oh, it's so great. It's so great.
24:28 Speaker 01 No, listen.
24:28 H. Foley? Ah, you fucking piece of shit. You fucking screwed me. Something like that. There'll be kids around.
24:34 Speaker 01 I will say you screwed me. I'll never direct it at him. I think that's fair.
24:37 Speaker 03 They're gonna say who?
24:39 Speaker 01 The dealer.
24:40 Speaker 03 Oh, you go, "Hey, this piece of shit over here fucked me."
24:42 Speaker 01 They don't say anything but this bozo in the vest. Real piece of shit.
24:46 Speaker 03 Hey, we're all friends here, right? Not like this fucking.
24:50 Speaker 01 Hey, Jimmy, did you change your name tag to Jerkoff?
24:54 Speaker 03 Jimmy Jerkoff.
24:55 H. Foley? Watch, this guy's a real fucking scumbag before you sit down.
24:57 Speaker 01 Nah, you're really painting me in a bad situation.
25:01 H. Foley? It ain't good.
25:01 Speaker 01 It's not.
25:02 Speaker 03 What do you do?
25:03 Speaker 01 I'll have fun with it. It's not like they just come in, they deal me a bad hand. I'm like, "What the fuck?"
25:09 H. Foley? Call him a low-life piece of shit. Just having fun.
25:12 Speaker 01 I have fun. Oh, one time, and listen, I tip very, I tip very, very heavy, and I'll go, you know.
25:19 Speaker 03 True.
25:19 Speaker 01 They're true. Luke backed me up on that. It's very much.
25:23 H. Foley? At the tables? You think he does?
25:25 Speaker 04 He, every time he wins anything.
25:26 H. Foley? I don't think he does anything.
25:28 Speaker 03 When you win, you pass it down. But when you lose, they never give it back. It's up dealers.
25:33 Speaker 01 That's exactly why I'm upset with them. I thought we were boys.
25:36 Speaker 03 How great is this when you like tip them a dollar or whatever, a chip, and they go, "Ride it." And they're like, "I'll play with you."
25:43 Speaker 01 They play it back with you.
25:44 Speaker 03 I love that.
25:45 Speaker 01 Those are, they ain't doing that at fucking the Bellagio. Those are a little questionable, though.
25:49 Speaker 03 Those are fun because they're going, "I know the odds are against me, but I want you guys all friendly. I don't want Kevin yelling at me again." I was here last time he came in and I had to go to therapy.
25:59 Speaker 01 Sir, you're a bald friend. It's causing a bit of a scene. Now, it's always fun and lighthearted. You're painting me out to be a bad guy. That's not the case.
26:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, I got thrown out once.
26:09 Speaker 01 For what? Stealing chips?
26:11 Speaker 03 I was at Commerce because they're, "Oh, I've cheated." Me and Renazis used to cheat.
26:13 Speaker 01 Poker?
26:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
26:14 Speaker 01 Just stay out of the hand.
26:15 Speaker 03 We'd like give taps of like, I have a aces or kings, and then we'd give a tap to me like, raise no matter what you have, I'll re-raise, then you come back, you can get out then.
26:24 Speaker 01 Why? And then who?
26:25 Speaker 03 So we give you a double raise.
26:26 Speaker 01 You're kind of playing together. It's like, hey, don't. Let's not fucking bump heads in the pot. We're here to take their money.
26:31 Speaker 03 Yeah, so in limit, I'll tap if he's, if I'm sitting there and Renazizi's sitting here, I'll give him the tap. And so it goes to me, I check, right? It goes to Kevin, he checks, then I bet, it comes around again, you double bet. That's on limit poker. So that way I can get a double and then, and then I'll be like, nah, I'm out.
26:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:47 Speaker 03 Um, and so now everyone has to stay in for double. But we got caught once because I told them, we got lazy.
26:53 Speaker 01 I got aces.
26:54 Speaker 03 Yeah. No, I go, I'm gonna raise. And then it came, and some guy's just like, like looking at me across the table and then I raise, he goes, whoa. What the fuck, man?
27:03 Speaker 01 Another player?
27:04 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, that I'm playing against. And he goes, what the fuck? I'm like, what? He goes, you just said you're gonna raise. He raised and then you re-raised. And I'm like, uh, no. He goes, bro, I'm a foot away from you.
27:16 Speaker 01 Sir, you're clearly lying.
27:19 Speaker 03 I got a talking to on that one. No, I got thrown out once because somebody beat me up with that Jack in the River. I had him the whole way. I had him. And then, uh, and then he was like stacking and he talked a little shit, just like, ah, you think I, I knew what I was gonna, something shitty. And then I waited and he stacked up all these chips and as soon as he stacked them, I just, I just reached over.
27:37 Speaker 01 That's such an harry thing, dude. You are such a dickhead.
27:40 Speaker 03 And they were like, no. He goes, what the? He got mad. They threw me out. They're like, yeah, no, sir, absolutely not. You're out.
27:46 Speaker 01 What are you, five years old?
27:48 Speaker 03 I'm about five.
27:50 Speaker 03 It was so, it was worth it.
27:54 Speaker 01 You went behind one of the Wheel of Fortune machines and started shitting in your pants.
28:00 Speaker 03 What a great noise that is.
28:03 Speaker 01 Uh, all right, staying in casinos, this is from F Holy, ten dollar pizza and milk guy. Uh, are you garbage if you take a photo, oh wait, this is not it, but it will stay in here. Are you garbage if you take a photo of this, of the dead guy at an open casket funeral? Still think my aunt posing my two cousins in front of grandpa was a bad look. Worst part, she made them cheese.
28:23 H. Foley? Yeah.
28:24 Speaker 01 That's tough.
28:25 Speaker 03 Wait, she made hoochie?
28:26 Speaker 01 She made the kids smile in front of-
28:28 H. Foley? Don't take a picture with the green-
28:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, and then it was like, jeez, like you were-
28:32 H. Foley? You don't smile on that one, that's a no smile.
28:34 Speaker 01 I think all pictures-
28:35 H. Foley? That's a for sure no smile.
28:36 Speaker 01 For sure, for sure you shouldn't be taking pictures of the dead guy. You shouldn't. That's nuts. But, there's a big thing that dirtbag families do is, a lot of their family pictures are taken at funerals, because that's the only time they're all dressed up together.
28:49 Speaker 03 And together.
28:50 Speaker 01 So it's like out front of like, you know-
28:52 H. Foley? Plus a cemetery on a nice day is a nice-
28:54 Speaker 03 Beautiful backdrop.
28:55 Speaker 01 Yeah, good backlighting, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, no, for sure, that's a dirtbag thing. You can't be taking pictures of the-
29:01 Speaker 03 You can't be taking pictures with a dead body.
29:03 H. Foley? Fucked up, man.
29:04 Speaker 03 Oh, unless you're, unless I will allow it, Polaroid. Beer over the dead body going like this.
29:13 Speaker 01 Hey, hold this in a dark place for three to five minutes, you got it. Yeah, that, I'll, okay, I'll give you that, that was alright.
29:19 H. Foley? Do Jewish people do open caskets? What's the rule on that?
29:21 Speaker 03 No, there's a weird one with the body camp before it gets, has to be buried quick, like within a day.
29:26 H. Foley? Okay.
29:27 Speaker 03 So overnight, while they're waiting for everybody to come, um, it can't be alone.
29:32 H. Foley? I respect that. Is there a viewing?
29:35 Speaker 03 I don't think so. I'm trying to remember.
29:37 H. Foley? But somebody's gotta stay and hang out.
29:39 Speaker 03 Somebody's gotta stay, so what they have is volunteers, the high school kids, whatever, uh, will help the community, like, stay with the body all night.
29:45 Speaker 01 Oh, fuck that.
29:48 Speaker 03 You have to go in and like be with it.
29:50 H. Foley? Wait, I thought like a family member would do that.
29:52 Speaker 03 I'm, yeah, or people from the community. Yeah, yeah, so, so, I mean, they must have really worried about people fucking those bodies.
29:59 H. Foley? Dude, I just-
30:00 Speaker 03 I don't know what-
30:00 Speaker 01 Did you ever touch one, like poke them?
30:02 H. Foley? What, you've done it before?
30:03 Speaker 03 Yeah, I've done it. No, they're just in the casket, you're just in a room with a, with a casket, you just have to, you relieve somebody, you just sit there for a while.
30:10 H. Foley? Tell you got good at shoveling.
30:11 Speaker 03 I peeked, I peeked. He went in there like, yep, that's dead.
30:14 Speaker 01 That's a big set of cans.
30:15 Speaker 03 Sure is dead. Yeah, it's just like- Just like the graduate.
30:20 H. Foley? Mrs. Hilstein, whoa.
30:24 Speaker 01 Let the girls out, huh?
30:26 H. Foley? What, are they naked?
30:27 Speaker 03 No, it was so long ago, I don't remember.
30:31 Speaker 01 No, if they're in the casket, they're not naked.
30:33 H. Foley? Yeah, they're all dressed up, right?
30:34 Speaker 03 I think so.
30:35 Speaker 01 What do you guys get buried in?
30:37 Speaker 03 Plain box.
30:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, but like, well, like, all stuff-wise, like?
30:41 Speaker 03 Yeah, I assume almost nothing.
30:42 Speaker 01 Yeah, I think you guys were shelling, shelling out cash to bury it.
30:45 Speaker 03 Yeah, like, we're not gonna waste money on a dead guy.
30:48 Speaker 01 Drop you off at the junkyard.
30:50 Speaker 03 We don't want to waste money normally, we definitely don't want to waste money on a dead guy.
30:53 H. Foley? An old Adidas box?
30:54 Speaker 03 Yeah, exactly. The high tops, though, the high tops.
30:58 Speaker 01 Can you guys get cremated? Is there rules against that?
31:00 Speaker 03 No, no cremation, not allowed, not allowed.
31:04 H. Foley? No tattoos?
31:06 Speaker 03 Uh, can't have tattoos, but that's a, that's a wives tale.
31:08 H. Foley? Oh, it is?
31:09 Speaker 03 Yeah, so you can't get buried in a Jewish cemetery, you don't have a tattoo, it's what, there's no such thing in Jewish law as a Jewish cemetery. You just have to bury somebody.
31:16 H. Foley? Would you do a mausoleum, you know, the little, the little things that are above grounds?
31:19 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'd want one of those, with something interesting in it.
31:21 Speaker 01 Something you can hang out in there, like, your boys could come, like, catch a heater.
31:24 H. Foley? Gotta have a lot of cash for that, those things are expensive as shit.
31:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, immersive art, yeah, heater would be nice, oh, you're saying, catch a heater?
31:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, smoke a cig, not me, I'm off the heaters.
31:34 Speaker 03 Engrave, like, light up here, safe space.
31:36 Speaker 01 Like, yeah, post up, you know, a little, maybe a little stone ashtray, like, build in, you have a joint, like a roach clip or something?
31:42 Speaker 03 Ash run out for the, for the dead, leave your roaches.
31:45 Speaker 01 Leave your roaches.
31:45 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah, roach for the dead.
31:47 Speaker 01 That was big, that was big when, when?
31:49 H. Foley? Bunch of blunts in the ass.
31:50 Speaker 03 Yeah, then I'd be in heaven and talking to God, and God's like, so what do you, what do you want, well, peace wise, I'm like, um, oh, oh no, somebody's getting high in my grave.
31:59 Speaker 01 I'm all fucked up, God.
32:00 Speaker 03 I'm all fucked up, God, I'm all fucked up.
32:03 Speaker 01 That's the good stuff, too.
32:04 Speaker 03 I think if everyone just got some Doritos, everything would be good.
32:08 H. Foley? Is there a 7-Eleven up here or anything like that?
32:12 Speaker 01 That picture I sent to the group of you with your eyes all flipped out.
32:15 Speaker 03 Oh my god, I was lit.
32:16 Speaker 01 Insert that here, by the way.
32:18 Speaker 03 I was lit. Tired, drunk, full, all at the same time, guarding, aggressively guarding my Pepsi Zero.
32:25 Speaker 01 Sure. That is a big telltale sign of how garbage you are when someone passes when you're younger. Like, in high school, we had a lot of, lot of, lot of kids died in our high school. It must have been poison in the well or something. But a lot of people, and that was like, you'd go to the grave and like, we're gonna go there and smoke a blunt. We're gonna go there and drink a bottle. Well, I got a bottle of like, 100 proof. I got a bottle of Captain, we're gonna go and fucking drink it on the birthday, like.
32:54 Speaker 03 To honor him.
32:55 Speaker 01 To honor, yeah, we did that shit all the time.
32:57 Speaker 03 Yeah, everyone goes to, who does the thiz face?
33:01 Speaker 01 The what's?
33:01 Speaker 03 Thiz face? Who is that? It's a rapper from Oakland. People go to his grave and smoke on it, uh, uh, his birthday.
33:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's a, I don't know.
33:09 Speaker 03 T H I Z Z.
33:10 Speaker 01 What do you got, new guy Luke?
33:12 Speaker 04 How do I, how do I spell that again?
33:13 Speaker 03 T H I Z Z.
33:14 Speaker 01 Man, Luke stumped on a hip hop question, holy shit.
33:17 H. Foley? It's gotta be an older hip hop.
33:18 Speaker 03 It's like, uh, it's, it's hyphy period of Oakland.
33:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, he was fucking seven during.
33:24 Speaker 04 Hyphy versus thizzen?
33:26 Speaker 03 Thiz, okay, yeah. Who did thiz face?
33:29 H. Foley? Talk about the riz face.
33:31 Speaker 03 All right, you'll find it, you'll find it.
33:32 Speaker 01 Chat GPT, AI's gotta know something about this.
33:35 Speaker 03 Thiz in peace.
33:36 Speaker 04 Mac Dre, great, yeah.
33:39 H. Foley? You would go to graves and you would.
33:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, but you know.
33:42 H. Foley? Pour out some southern comfort?
33:43 Speaker 01 I don't know, I guess you'd pour some out. I mean, I didn't real, I've definitely partaken, but like, my friends would be like, we're gonna go and like, fucking, I got two blunts rolled, one for him, one for me. Ari, that beer's warm, by the way.
33:54 H. Foley? Why'd you just tell him?
33:56 Speaker 01 He's touching it, he's gonna.
33:57 Speaker 04 You want a cold one?
33:58 Speaker 01 We got, oh, we only have like, uh.
34:00 Speaker 04 We got Christmas ales.
34:01 Speaker 01 We got Christmas ale.
34:02 Speaker 03 Bring it. Bring it.
34:04 Speaker 01 You alright?
34:05 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:05 Speaker 01 Have a nice Christmas ale.
34:07 Speaker 03 All this talk about drinking on grades. Maybe thirsty.
34:09 Speaker 01 Uh oh.
34:10 Speaker 03 Yeah, doing Dry January too, so this will be a nice.
34:14 Speaker 01 Good thing we're recording this in February.
34:15 Speaker 03 Just really bad at it.
34:17 Speaker 01 Are you really doing Dry January?
34:18 Speaker 03 No, I thought about it this year. I did it last year, I thought about it, and I was like, nah, I guess not, because I was gonna go on Rogan's, and I was like, we're definitely gonna be drinking with Shane.
34:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:26 Speaker 03 And then I was like, well, I may as well then drink every day.
34:28 Speaker 01 Start drinking now, yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:30 H. Foley? I respect the move.
34:32 Speaker 03 I love, okay, I got one. Are you garbage or you have mixed matched beers in your fridge?
34:36 Speaker 01 For sure.
34:37 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:37 Speaker 01 Christmas just passed. What are you talking? It's fucking January.
34:41 H. Foley? That's from last year.
34:41 Speaker 01 This is from two Christmases ago.
34:43 H. Foley? Oh, that one's alright. What is that?
34:44 Speaker 01 A Brooklyn.
34:45 H. Foley? A Brooklyn what?
34:46 Speaker 03 Brooklyn, uh, winter IPA.
34:48 Speaker 01 Halloween ale.
34:50 Speaker 03 It's a sledder's choice, and I'm a sledder.
34:53 H. Foley? Civil War ale, yikes.
34:54 Speaker 03 Derogatory term.
34:55 Speaker 01 That's all, that's all we got left is Christmas beers. Big man drank all the Bud Lights the other night, but in here by himself.
35:01 H. Foley? I had one Bud Light.
35:03 Speaker 01 A really big Bud Light.
35:05 Speaker 03 Why don't you plug that thing in?
35:06 Speaker 01 It's, listen, it's broken. We've gotten two new ones shipped here. They've shown up broken. It's a whole thing.
35:12 Speaker 03 What? It's such a cool part of that.
35:13 Speaker 01 I'm well aware. It's a very, it's a very, uh, annoying thing we're dealing with at the moment.
35:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
35:20 H. Foley? We're working on it.
35:22 Speaker 01 Alright, let's see here. Um, this one I don't think we've ever discussed. Uh, this is from Cody, $10 Dumpster Fire here. What's more garbage when getting a haircut? You do the square or round neckline?
35:33 H. Foley? Ooh.
35:35 Speaker 01 Is there a classy, I don't think either one's trashy. Is there a cl- a gentleman's offer?
35:39 Speaker 03 They always ask, and, and every time they ask, I'd go, I don't know, I'm totally stumped.
35:44 Speaker 01 I don't remember.
35:45 Speaker 03 I don't know, what's, what's the right way?
35:47 H. Foley? I always, is it, they always say, do you want it natural or squared?
35:52 Speaker 03 Natural I get, that's kind of a fade in, like it's already grown in a little bit, yeah.
35:56 H. Foley? The way it would normally end.
35:57 Speaker 03 They do the, they do the round at the end, and I'm like, and when I'm like square, I'm like, oh, that might be lame. Do it to touch?
36:03 Speaker 01 Never get taken too far, they've taken me too far up to like the bottom of my ears. Man, you look like a computer programmer.
36:10 Speaker 03 To reverse the O.
36:10 Speaker 01 It's a bad look.
36:12 H. Foley? Here's the, when, when they don't go down enough, when it, when it's not like at a one, when it gets down to the neck, when it's at like a three.
36:18 Speaker 01 You get an edge.
36:19 H. Foley? And they do that, it looks like you're wearing a piece.
36:23 Speaker 01 It hangs over the natural hairline.
36:26 H. Foley? That and over the ears. Sometimes if they're going over the ears and they go too far out when they go over.
36:33 Speaker 03 Yeah. Yeah, you got can head.
36:37 H. Foley? Hey, Lego head.
36:40 H. Foley? Okay, let's talk about DraftKings.
36:41 Speaker 01 DraftKings.
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37:44 Speaker 01 expire in seven days. Trade to get prediction dollars that expire in one year. $50 in rewards issued every seven days via click to claim for 21 days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Terms at dkng.co offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on sportsbook predictions and free to play sports contest availability varies by state. Now, back to the show.
38:06 H. Foley? Back to the show.
38:08 Speaker 03 You ever get an air cut and they're like, all right, cut it on like a three or whatever if it's like trimmed and then you see it, you go, that's actually not short enough. Can you just go over the whole thing again?
38:17 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
38:18 Speaker 03 I feel bad.
38:18 Speaker 01 I had one guy go, I'm not done yet. And I went, all right, well, there goes your tip.
38:24 H. Foley? He also gave you the worst haircut ever.
38:25 Speaker 01 It was pretty bad.
38:26 H. Foley? Yeah.
38:26 Speaker 01 I had to wear a hat for a cut. I gotta grow into a haircut a little bit. I need two or three days to grow into it.
38:31 H. Foley? Are you just cutting that yourself?
38:33 Speaker 03 Uh, sometimes, or I'll go down there and just buzz it fast.
38:36 H. Foley? Have them just buzz it?
38:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's as easy now. This part's taken care of already.
38:40 H. Foley? So there's no in-between anymore?
38:42 Speaker 03 I mean, I go, I, yeah, no.
38:44 H. Foley? You're not just-
38:44 Speaker 03 I wanna go to Turkey. I wanna get that thing.
38:46 Speaker 01 Ah, dude, I was just trav- I was traveling back from Germany and that airport, man, that is a tough look.
38:51 Speaker 03 Oh, really?
38:52 Speaker 01 Going through, those guys are going through security with a headband and a swollen ass head.
38:56 Speaker 03 It's all headbands.
38:57 Speaker 01 And they look like a Ken doll. It's bad.
38:59 Speaker 03 Everybody on there is in a headband.
39:00 Speaker 01 They all laid over in fucking, they all laid over in Frankfurt and my wife was like, there's no way you could ever do that.
39:07 H. Foley? Why? You suck it up for a couple of months, you'd be alright?
39:09 Speaker 03 Yeah, I wanna know what the recovery time is.
39:11 H. Foley? A couple of months.
39:12 Speaker 01 Two weeks.
39:13 Speaker 03 Two weeks is fine. I can just hang out.
39:14 Speaker 01 No, it's like-
39:15 H. Foley? It ain't two weeks.
39:15 Speaker 01 It's two weeks, like, no water.
39:17 H. Foley? Two weeks till the ink starts to go away.
39:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's like two, two week ink. It's two weeks-
39:21 H. Foley? Yeah, whatever those little things are.
39:22 Speaker 01 That's the hair.
39:23 H. Foley? Oh, it is?
39:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's your new hairline.
39:25 H. Foley? I thought there was little dots and that's how they, that's how they put it in there. Like, they put the dots down-
39:29 Speaker 01 That's the hair. That's the new hair follicle.
39:31 H. Foley? Oh, it is?
39:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, I don't know how they do it, but-
39:33 Speaker 01 Also, I don't need a bigger head, man. If my, that swelling goes, it might not go down.
39:37 Speaker 03 Well, you think it's just ex- they put someone else's head on top of your head?
39:40 H. Foley? No, I thought they put little dots.
39:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
39:43 H. Foley? Like, they, they put a thing over you, put little dots, and then that's where they know where to put a tracer.
39:48 Speaker 03 And put a little piece of hair in there.
39:50 H. Foley? They put the piece of hair in there.
39:51 Speaker 01 I think you're seeing the piece of hair, cause then it gra- if, then, then it falls out and then regrows or something like that. I don't know.
39:57 Speaker 03 I don't know either.
39:58 Speaker 01 It's a bad look. I do not wanna be, that guy knew everyone was looking at him. Ev- you know.
40:02 Speaker 03 Yeah, you're gonna have to do a couple of months of like, if I got it, I would just lean in. I wouldn't pretend to deny it or anything. I'm like, check out this new fake hair! I'm back!
40:10 H. Foley? Couple of months, you sluts will all be sorry.
40:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:13 Speaker 01 Doesn't grow back.
40:14 Speaker 03 Damn it. Yeah, people try to talk you out of it, like, it's gonna make it look shitty. I'm like, I mean, I'll just shave it. I'm about there anyway.
40:21 Speaker 01 They look really good now. They do look good now.
40:23 Speaker 03 They're way better.
40:23 Speaker 01 But you, but it looks-
40:24 Speaker 03 But it's kinda like online dating. We got shell shocked when we were little. We're like, that's for nerds.
40:28 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. Nah, I mean, dude, they're-
40:29 Speaker 03 That's what everybody does.
40:30 Speaker 01 We've had someone offer-
40:31 H. Foley? And he got one weird summer.
40:32 Speaker 01 A listener, his dad, a listener's dad is one of the best guys in Turkey, and he offered us like a full, do you wanna do it?
40:39 Speaker 03 Maybe.
40:40 Speaker 01 He offered us like a full-blown, come over, they put you up, they give you like a Lamborghini to drive around in.
40:46 Speaker 03 I mean, I, yeah, let's make it a trip. Let's make it a comedian's trip.
40:49 Speaker 01 Pretty cool. You get some more hair?
40:51 H. Foley? I'd, no, I would go just for, I'd go-
40:52 Speaker 03 Just for the heck.
40:53 H. Foley? For the desserts. Are you kidding me?
40:55 Speaker 03 Turkish delight.
40:56 H. Foley? Yeah, you kidding me?
40:58 Speaker 01 Couple of pistachios.
40:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:00 H. Foley? Nice for a couple of meals.
41:01 Speaker 03 Someone's getting a harem and you're just rolling around in Turkish delight.
41:04 H. Foley? I'm a sucker for all that food, man. Couple of dates, a little bit of fucking hummus.
41:08 Speaker 01 Woo wee!
41:10 Speaker 03 Big Turk, one of those underrated candy bars. Canada only.
41:13 H. Foley? Yeah.
41:14 Speaker 01 Big Turk.
41:14 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's Turkish delight wrapped in chocolate. You go to Canada. Shout out.
41:19 H. Foley? Have you ever had Turkish delight before?
41:21 Speaker 01 No.
41:22 H. Foley? It's like a nougat.
41:22 Speaker 01 I'm a Hershey man, everybody knows about that.
41:24 Speaker 03 Nougat mixed with gummy.
41:25 H. Foley? Yeah.
41:26 Speaker 01 I'm out.
41:26 H. Foley? It's got a little chew to it, a little bite.
41:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's got some chew.
41:28 H. Foley? Couple almonds.
41:30 Speaker 01 I'm out.
41:31 Speaker 03 It really do you up right. Um, yeah, let's all go to Turkey.
41:35 H. Foley? I got my head covered in nougat.
41:35 Speaker 01 I'm, I can't do it.
41:36 Speaker 03 Let's all hang out at least. We can puss out later.
41:39 Speaker 01 Oh, just go to Turkey?
41:39 Speaker 03 Let's go and we'll decide when we get there.
41:41 Speaker 01 Okay.
41:42 H. Foley? Get something to eat.
41:44 Speaker 01 Get some of them sandwiches, I like.
41:48 H. Foley? Nah, they're-
41:48 Speaker 01 You know I like the sandwiches.
41:49 H. Foley? And Turkish beers, they got the weird cigarettes.
41:51 Speaker 01 We can hang out here. What are you, so we can smoke weird stigs and weird beers here?
41:55 Speaker 03 Facts, facts.
41:56 H. Foley? I guess it's true.
41:57 Speaker 01 Save the fucking thirty-five thousand dollars.
42:01 Speaker 01 And the headache. My god, the headache. Uh, alright, let's see.
42:06 H. Foley? You treat me like a king over there. What are you talking about?
42:09 Speaker 03 What was that question? Do we answer it?
42:11 Speaker 01 That was the, oh, the back, the, I would say square is probably the more gentlemany thing.
42:18 Speaker 03 I don't think it makes you garbage or not.
42:20 Speaker 01 I don't think, it's not garbage, but I think the classier one would be square.
42:23 Speaker 03 Classy square. You say no.
42:24 Speaker 01 You're saying no.
42:24 Speaker 04 Square seems more military, from what I'm seeing, and then it's also easier to keep up a square. So you can do it yourself for longer.
42:31 Speaker 03 No, I say a curve is about it, because when it grows in past it, it looks okay. Square with some extra?
42:35 Speaker 04 Yeah, no, but if you're touching it up yourself.
42:37 Speaker 01 You gotta touch it up yourself.
42:38 Speaker 03 You can't touch up a square.
42:39 Speaker 04 The round one's more natural.
42:41 H. Foley? I don't know, but the kid in high school that had the fucking hair back here was fucking a rough look.
42:46 Speaker 03 Down, all that.
42:46 H. Foley? I used to have to shave my brothers.
42:48 Speaker 03 Ugh.
42:48 H. Foley? Every couple of weeks.
42:50 Speaker 03 Ugh.
42:51 Speaker 01 The tornado down the back?
42:52 H. Foley? Yeah, dude, shaved the back of his neck.
42:54 Speaker 01 Yeah. Jesus Christ.
42:57 H. Foley? It's brutal.
42:58 Speaker 01 I never had that. Italians had that. It gross.
43:01 Speaker 03 Italian.
43:02 Speaker 01 The Italians.
43:03 Speaker 03 They're a hairy group.
43:04 Speaker 01 You ain't lying. I was, I mean, we used it up to our advantage. My boy, Vinnie with the skinny, he was about 16. Sent him into the beer distributor in a wife beater and board shorts in the summer. And they were like, you got IDs? Like, I just came from the pool. And they went, nah, I mean, you couldn't, I mean, it looked like a fucking, you know, like a mechanic.
43:24 Speaker 03 That's so great.
43:25 Speaker 01 Underage beer for five years.
43:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, these kids gotta start dying their hair a little gray.
43:29 Speaker 01 Well, do you see, people are doing that, they're dressing up as like old women or old men? Like, you know, there was like, you can get enough fake prosthetics, like a wig and all this stuff, and go in as like a super old guy, grab a sixer, and the guy behind the counter's like, yeah, whatever.
43:43 Speaker 03 Hey! Someone who used to have to check IDs.
43:46 Speaker 01 I just shit my pants.
43:46 Speaker 03 Yeah, I used to check IDs at the Comedy Store. And I, and this is a normal situation, not everybody, I would just look at the thing and hand it back and say, go. I would, you could be giving me a black woman's thing, and I'm like, okay, 1991.
43:59 Speaker 01 Who's doing the math?
44:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's just like, you know the year.
44:02 Speaker 01 Welcome, Miss Cleo.
44:03 Speaker 03 I didn't do it before.
44:06 Speaker 01 Have a nice day, man.
44:11 Speaker 03 I don't think either one of those is classy or trashy. I think it's just better or worse.
44:15 Speaker 01 It does, sure. It does open up for a pretty good debate. And I never know. Sometimes I go, whatever you're feeling, man. Also, English is, there's a, there's a tough language barrier where I get my haircut a lot of times.
44:24 Speaker 03 Ooh, good point.
44:25 Speaker 01 They gotta talk to the guy next, because I always get the bad guy, because I don't call in and make my appointment at the Dominican spot. So I always get the guy who's just sitting there waiting.
44:31 H. Foley? His cousin?
44:32 Speaker 01 He don't speak English, so I gotta talk to the guy next to him, and then he's gotta talk to him.
44:36 Speaker 03 Or if you get it back where your wife lives, and like, you want the Dolph? No, I don't want the Dolph.
44:40 Speaker 01 They give you the high and tight over there.
44:42 H. Foley? What's the Dolph?
44:44 Speaker 03 I don't know, just like a little bit of spiky, all shaved and down hard.
44:47 Speaker 01 Yeah?
44:48 Speaker 03 Just some Russian.
44:48 Speaker 01 The Europeans do a very nice, uh, they go bald very, that's like way more, the receding hairline hairstyle still. Like they push it in and they do it nice.
44:59 Speaker 03 They go for it. They gotta show up.
45:01 Speaker 01 Coming to a podcast near you, gang.
45:04 H. Foley? You got to push forward.
45:05 Speaker 01 The push forward and the fucking, the soccer players do it.
45:08 H. Foley? He's looking at the owner of the Raiders.
45:11 Speaker 03 Oh, that's the worst haircut of all time.
45:12 Speaker 01 My skin's all blotchy and shit.
45:14 Speaker 03 Mark, whatever his name is?
45:15 H. Foley? Mark Davis.
45:16 Speaker 03 Mark Davis, oh my god, what a dork.
45:18 H. Foley? That's it. His dad carried it with a little bit of swagger.
45:21 Speaker 03 Yeah, Mark Davis is just like, oh, who's the fuck in it? I mean, he's got some young chick girlfriend, and she's like, no, I just like him. Like, right, yeah, right.
45:29 H. Foley? He looks like he was born in a mushroom patch.
45:33 Speaker 01 Hey, Portobello, get the fuck out of here.
45:36 H. Foley? He's doing his thing now.
45:37 Speaker 03 He's doing his thing.
45:38 Speaker 01 I guess what?
45:39 H. Foley? I don't want to come looking for me. He's got a little bit of cash on him.
45:41 Speaker 03 Yeah. Oh, for the record, fuck Mark Davis. Oakland rules.
45:44 Speaker 01 There you go.
45:45 H. Foley? Very true.
45:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, that makes sense. I see what you're saying there, gay. Um, all right, let's see. This one's from Phil. Uh, $10 pizza pervert, never have one read. Is it garbage to sleep with your hands in your pockets? Sometimes it's, sometimes it's comforting, sometimes I feel like a psychopath.
46:02 Speaker 03 Always psychopath. I, even if you want to put your hands in, why pockets? What the fuck are you?
46:08 Speaker 01 It keeps you tight, I guess.
46:09 H. Foley? I'll do it on a seatbelt. I'll stick my hands.
46:11 Speaker 03 Seatbelt rules. Seatbelt really helps you fuck.
46:13 Speaker 01 But then why not pocket?
46:14 H. Foley? I'll stick it underneath the seatbelt.
46:16 Speaker 03 Because you're in a bed. A pocket on a plane, I'll allow. In your bed, what, what are you sleeping in, that has pockets?
46:22 Speaker 01 I'll give you that.
46:24 Speaker 03 You gonna do the flap, put it in the flap?
46:26 Speaker 01 Back flap.
46:27 H. Foley? What about a tuck into the like?
46:29 Speaker 03 Totally tuck. Underneath the balls, cupping the balls.
46:32 Speaker 01 Hands in your pockets while you're sleeping.
46:34 Speaker 03 I'll even allow one of these.
46:35 Speaker 01 Looks like you're waiting for a bus or something, that ain't right. That's sacrilegious.
46:39 H. Foley? I hear you've been robbed one too many times.
46:41 Speaker 03 I saw a video and said somebody's trying not to get-
46:43 Speaker 01 These hookers keep stealing my change.
46:45 Speaker 03 It said somebody's trying not to get robbed in Philadelphia waiting for the bus. They're trying not to get mugged. And so they get to the bus stop and they just go like this.
46:52 Speaker 01 Sure, yeah.
46:53 H. Foley? Really?
46:54 Speaker 03 Until the bus comes like, alright, I'm ready.
46:56 Speaker 01 Aw, man.
46:57 H. Foley? In a business suit, holding a briefcase?
47:00 Speaker 01 I'll never-
47:00 H. Foley? Pretty good.
47:01 Speaker 01 I was driving down Gerard Avenue and there's a trolley on Gerard, so there's like a- People wait in the middle on like a little island. And man, this guy is at like fucking Gerard and Frankfurt or something. This guy nodding out as I was passing him and like leaned over my car and I just zipped right by him. Whoa, I almost took that guy's fucking head clean off. He didn't even know what happened.
47:23 Speaker 03 They don't know.
47:24 Speaker 01 He just popped up and then, you know.
47:25 Speaker 03 Can hit him with a frisbee, they won't even notice.
47:28 H. Foley? I want Ari to get to that next beer because I want to see how bad-
47:30 Speaker 01 That's a Scotch ale. What the hell is that?
47:33 Speaker 03 Yeah, this is not a bad IPA.
47:34 H. Foley? No, I'm sure it's great.
47:35 Speaker 01 Brooklyn makes it, Brooklyn's a great beer.
47:36 Speaker 03 Today's episode is brought to you by Brooklyn Lager Winter IPA.
47:44 Speaker 01 They're fucking close, they can cut a goddamn check.
47:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, just put a picture of penis in here. They're just gonna be going, be be be, like.
47:52 H. Foley? Ari Shaffir loves penis.
47:55 Speaker 03 I'll try that, I'll try it now. Then I'll do a little mixer.
47:58 Speaker 01 Man.
47:58 Speaker 03 Never see a mixer outside of a Fuddruckers.
48:00 H. Foley? Fuddruckers, mixing beers?
48:02 Speaker 03 No, mixing sodas.
48:03 Speaker 01 Sodas.
48:03 Speaker 03 Oh, does it up? You must have had this question before.
48:06 H. Foley? No.
48:07 Speaker 03 If you get to the fountain and you do a mixer.
48:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
48:09 H. Foley? Yeah, I've done a mixer before.
48:10 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, yeah.
48:10 Speaker 03 You've had that question.
48:10 H. Foley? I didn't know Fuddruckers is the same as for it.
48:12 Speaker 01 I think, yeah, they had their own, uh, it was just-
48:14 Speaker 03 No, you fill up your thing, but you're like Little Coke, Little Cherry Coke, Little Sprite, Little Orange.
48:18 Speaker 01 There's a company, see if you can find the name of that, there's, we heard, I heard a pretty good name recently, like-
48:22 Speaker 03 For doing your own soda?
48:23 Speaker 01 Like doing one of everything, it's like running the gauntlet or the tornado.
48:26 H. Foley? I know exactly who did it, the guy who owns that burger place. The guy with the, with the, with-
48:30 Speaker 03 Fuddruckers?
48:30 H. Foley? The guy with the gray, uh, mutton chops that owns that burger place.
48:34 Speaker 01 Do I know, like, know him personally?
48:36 H. Foley? No.
48:36 Speaker 01 Oh.
48:37 Speaker 03 Superior Audio Burger?
48:38 Speaker 04 I got two for you. Suicides and garbage juice.
48:41 Speaker 03 Garbage juice.
48:42 Speaker 01 Suicides is pretty, doing a suicide?
48:44 Speaker 03 Just having to do it all.
48:45 H. Foley? Everything but Diet Coke, I think it is.
48:46 Speaker 03 Yeah, you gotta put a little diet in there too, that'll really ruin it.
48:48 H. Foley? I think they put a pickle in it too.
48:50 Speaker 03 Ugh.
48:52 H. Foley? I'm pretty sure.
48:52 Speaker 04 That's Dua Lipa.
48:55 H. Foley? You talk bad about doing it.
48:58 Speaker 01 How is it?
48:58 Speaker 03 I'm sorry.
48:59 Speaker 01 Oh, you didn't have it yet?
48:59 H. Foley? Scotch ale.
49:00 Speaker 01 Ladies and gentlemen here for the first time, Ari tries a four-year-old Scotch ale. If don't throw up, we...
49:09 Speaker 01 Toady'll be pissed.
49:09 Speaker 03 I like it.
49:10 Speaker 01 Pretty good.
49:10 H. Foley? Ah, there you go.
49:12 Speaker 01 Pretty good.
49:12 Speaker 03 It's actually legitimately good. It's a, it's a, it's a brown ale, for sure. Like a Newcastle.
49:19 Speaker 01 Okay. I never fell in love with them.
49:22 H. Foley? Newcastle?
49:23 Speaker 01 Nah.
49:24 Speaker 03 They're okay. No, really?
49:26 H. Foley? Nah, it was always something that some, like...
49:28 Speaker 01 Cool guy had.
49:28 H. Foley? Yeah, some hippie guy was trying to push on me.
49:30 Speaker 01 It was like, "Oh, you're drinking those. I'm drinking Shemay." It's like, "Get out of here." Fucking Shemay.
49:35 Speaker 03 Shemays or whatever. Guys, today's episode is brought to you by Bell's Christmas Ale, Scotch Ale.
49:39 Speaker 01 I'm a Bell's-too-hearted man.
49:41 Speaker 03 If you're ever in the Comstock, Michigan area, come by the factory and take a tour of the Bell's.
49:46 H. Foley? Is that where Bell's is?
49:47 Speaker 03 Uh, maybe.
49:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:49 H. Foley? I thought they were in Brooklyn.
49:49 Speaker 03 It says Chris, it says it there, I don't know.
49:52 Speaker 01 Uh, alright, this one, this was, I mean, this was from Fat Chicks Only, this is good.
49:55 H. Foley? Fat Chicks Only's alright.
49:57 Speaker 03 That's a, that's a solid name.
49:58 Speaker 01 Is it garbage you get picked up for a custody exchange on a motorcycle? My dad would have to pick me up on...
50:06 Speaker 01 My dad would have to pick me up on his motorcycle and I would have to wear my stepmom's helmet and had a sticker on the back that read, "Bitch." I was 10 years old.
50:18 Speaker 03 I mean, a thousand percent, yes, it makes it garbage, but...
50:21 H. Foley? I don't care what your haircut looks like.
50:23 Speaker 03 Wow. Just riding, it's riding bitch, right?
50:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:26 Speaker 03 You have to ride behind him, hold on to your dad.
50:28 H. Foley? Man, that is tough.
50:30 Speaker 03 If you got a dad who's got a stepmom, you definitely want to hold on tight.
50:33 Speaker 01 That's pretty cool, though. If, I mean...
50:36 Speaker 03 Yeah, "have to" is a weird word for this guy. You get to.
50:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly. Dude, what 10-year-old doesn't want to go like?
50:42 H. Foley? That new husband was a huge pussy and scared, and scared of the dad for sure.
50:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:47 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, yeah. He'd be like, "Alright, Mark, relax."
50:50 Speaker 01 Ari, are you mixing the beers now?
50:52 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm gonna mix, but I'm gonna wait till it settles and then I'm gonna have a little mixture.
50:55 H. Foley? He's a weird guy. What are you gonna do?
50:57 Speaker 01 He's the oldest eight-year-old I've ever met in my life.
50:59 H. Foley? He's America's sweetheart.
51:01 Speaker 03 That's alright.
51:02 Speaker 01 Now on Netflix.
51:02 Speaker 03 Now on Netflix.
51:04 Speaker 01 Beat that too.
51:07 Speaker 01 You get one plug up front, Ori, that's all you get.
51:09 H. Foley? This is similar, but it reminded me of when, sometimes if we were going to stay at my cousin's.
51:14 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
51:15 H. Foley? And my parents were going somewhere, they lived right off the turnpike. And there was like a get on, like for emergency vehicles.
51:22 Speaker 01 A get on?
51:23 H. Foley? Yeah.
51:24 Speaker 01 What kinda?
51:25 H. Foley? A get on.
51:25 Speaker 01 What kinda city planner are you?
51:27 Speaker 03 I want a great way to call an on-ramp, a get on.
51:30 H. Foley? It wasn't an on-ramp.
51:31 Speaker 01 It's not a get on. Like, I know that much.
51:34 H. Foley? It wasn't an on-ramp, it was just a gate, like in case there was a bad accident, they could put emergency-
51:38 Speaker 01 An access, an emergency access.
51:40 H. Foley? Yes, so they would just pull off the, off the turnpike and let us out, and we would sneak through the chain link fence, and my aunt and uncle would pick us up and they'd take us to their house for the weekend.
51:49 Speaker 03 Wow.
51:50 Speaker 01 Real refugee shit.
51:51 Speaker 03 Yeah, just enough to turn around.
51:54 H. Foley? It paid a toll.
51:55 Speaker 03 Paid a toll, yeah, I'm, I'm on board with that.
51:57 Speaker 01 Actually, you know what, I recant my previous statement.
51:59 Speaker 03 Solid move, solid move. Jew is still on YouTube right now.
52:04 Speaker 01 Uh...
52:05 Speaker 03 Get on. Now, are there any other terms that you've been using that, when you find out as an adult, like, wait, that's not the term?
52:11 Speaker 01 We just did one, I, it was just wrong, it's one of those like idioms that you hear and you just, I heard it wrong the whole time.
52:17 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:18 Speaker 01 A ration of shit.
52:21 H. Foley? A ration of shit.
52:22 Speaker 03 How'd you hear it?
52:23 Speaker 01 I heard it was a, I thought it was a rash and a shit. Like, you're giving me a rash and a shit? A ration of shit over here? Like, I was chafing-
52:31 H. Foley? Not a ration, like a portion.
52:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, I was chafing from all the shit I was getting.
52:34 Speaker 03 Nice.
52:35 Speaker 01 You know what I mean?
52:35 Speaker 03 We convinced a friend of ours of the Lollas Morrissey song was, uh, a cross-eyed bear that you gave to me, you know that? You know, you wanna know?
52:42 Speaker 01 The cross-eyed bear that you gave to me.
52:44 Speaker 03 We convinced him that it was about the guy from Full House who gave her a teddy bear that had crossed eyes. So, and he goes, "Oh yeah," he goes, "What'd you think it was?" He goes, "No, no, no, I knew."
52:54 Speaker 01 I knew, I just don't wanna tell you.
52:55 H. Foley? It's pretty deep, man.
52:56 Speaker 03 We told him that at Dewey Beach. Shout out Screwie.
52:58 Speaker 01 Well, in his defense, that's also a time when like, unless you bought the album, you couldn't learn the lyrics.
53:02 Speaker 03 You didn't know, yeah.
53:03 H. Foley? Hold on, back that detail up.
53:05 Speaker 01 Dewey Beach?
53:05 H. Foley? That's a good place to do that to somebody.
53:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, Dewey Beach, I got a ticket for public urination.
53:10 H. Foley? Could've got the whole town to believe that down there.
53:12 Speaker 01 He could've been the mayor. Whoa, you know that?
53:15 Speaker 03 Screwie, Taco Toss Fridays.
53:17 Speaker 01 Uh, God, this one's just funny, this is from Nicholas, "Ever thrown a bicycle?"
53:24 Speaker 01 And a fit of
53:25 H. Foley? Absolutely.
53:26 Speaker 03 It can't be in a nice mood.
53:28 Speaker 01 No.
53:28 H. Foley? Fucking lutely.
53:29 Speaker 01 You are real fucking pissed to do that.
53:32 Speaker 03 Throw a bike. Wow.
53:34 Speaker 01 They're so awkward.
53:35 Speaker 03 And you gotta pick it up.
53:36 Speaker 01 You really gotta commit to over the head too.
53:38 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:39 Speaker 01 If you're doing that.
53:41 H. Foley? They would hurt too if like somebody would throw one at you or like it would they push, push you down on your bike, man, those fucking.
53:46 Speaker 03 Can't block it.
53:47 Speaker 01 No, yeah, there's no soft part you can try to.
53:50 H. Foley? Part catches like your elbow bone or something like that.
53:53 Speaker 01 Coming frame first at you.
53:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:55 Speaker 01 Damn, that's, that's a good, I've never thought of that. That's a, that is an angry man right there.
54:01 Speaker 03 Solid, solid, solid.
54:02 Speaker 01 Oh, God.
54:03 Speaker 03 Thrown a bicycle.
54:05 Speaker 01 All right, let's see here. This is one from Uncle Doob.
54:08 Speaker 03 I got one.
54:09 Speaker 01 Hit me.
54:09 H. Foley? Please.
54:10 Speaker 03 Ever drive onto the train tracks by accident?
54:12 Speaker 01 How?
54:14 Speaker 03 We did it in Portland, Bridgetown Festival. We were driving drunk.
54:17 H. Foley? Rob a bank?
54:18 Speaker 03 And we saw a cut through. Cut through is a real term, right?
54:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:22 H. Foley? I don't know.
54:22 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's a fifty fifty.
54:23 Speaker 01 No, cut through is definitely a term.
54:26 H. Foley? And a get on isn't?
54:28 Speaker 01 I'm about to get off.
54:31 H. Foley? You get on at the cut through.
54:32 Speaker 03 We're like, we could go this way, then back up, then back up to the, to the after party. But like, oh, it's right there. You can see the road and, and it goes, so it's train tracks, but like we can drive on it, but then the road dropped, the train tracks stayed a little higher. So we were driving and all of a sudden then we were just skidding. Yeah, it was me, who else was in their car? It might've been Canine. It might've been, I forget who else was there. It might've been someone who lived there and then we was like, just stopped. You can't go, the wheels aren't touching. And then we're like, oh, what do we do?
54:59 Speaker 01 Scatter.
55:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, we're like, and it hit us. We're like, guys, if a train comes.
55:03 Speaker 01 Killing everybody.
55:04 Speaker 03 Yeah, this is fucked. And we're like, we gotta call nine one one. And whoever was driving was like, I'm drunk as fuck. And they're like, all right, you leave.
55:12 Speaker 01 You guys are just all in the backseat. I don't know who's, I don't know whose car this is. I don't know how we got here, but officer, we need help.
55:18 Speaker 03 Yeah, we had to call and like, we're on the, we're like, first you gotta call Amtrak and tell them not to come right now. We all tried, we got everyone out of the party at Bridgetown. We tried to like lift it and, those are comedians are incredibly weak.
55:31 Speaker 01 Hey, what about them broads that they get stuck and they flip the car themselves?
55:35 H. Foley? You couldn't push it back?
55:36 Speaker 03 Well, you have to be a mom with a kid underneath it. That's Superman strength.
55:39 H. Foley? You couldn't push it back?
55:40 Speaker 03 No, it was skidding. It was like pushing the whole thing. We just couldn't do it. It was fucked. Cops came, like, who drove? And we found, like, someone else came out of the party, like, "I drove, sir."
55:50 Speaker 01 This is clearly a sober person's action.
55:52 Speaker 03 I am sober. Why do you ask who drove?
55:55 H. Foley? They still probably got a ticket for it, though, right?
55:57 Speaker 03 Yeah, we got a ticket. But then that guy who drove was like, "I'll get the ticket."
56:01 Speaker 01 That'd be fucked up if he didn't. Hey, buddy, you shouldn't have been driving there.
56:04 H. Foley? This son of a bitch stole my car, officer!
56:06 Speaker 01 Where are my keys at?
56:10 Speaker 01 I got some trim lined up.
56:14 H. Foley? How the fuck did my car get that? I'm home all night with my kids and I gotta hear this shit?
56:20 Speaker 01 I know someone who did that. Got a, you know, they were, they had been intoxicated, this is decades ago, they had been intoxicated, crashed their car. Just took off. Got, ran home. Reported it stolen.
56:33 Speaker 03 That's smart. Because if you abandon your car, like, "I'm just gonna get out of here," you're like, "Oh, but the eviden- it's registered." You can't get away from that. There's plenty of things you can get away from. Not an accident.
56:44 Speaker 01 I think the cops knew the whole time. The cops are like, "You were in the car," and he's like, "Buddy, I was snoozing. I don't know what to tell you."
56:49 Speaker 03 Do you have evidence of that?
56:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, he's like, "Your fingerprints in there. No shit, it's my car."
56:53 H. Foley? We had that in high school, too. My buddy was driving, he was a little, he had a couple Chardonnays in him, and we pulled into the-
56:59 Speaker 01 But we don't condone, by the way. Don't do that out there.
57:01 H. Foley? It's a different time, of course. Don't be silly.
57:03 Speaker 01 To use my platform for good.
57:04 H. Foley? We pulled into a Denny's and this cop pulled in behind us, and we literally both got out from our respective doors and just met. And he's like, "Say, you were driving," and I'm like, "All right, no problem." And the guy was right behind us. He's like, "Hey, what are you doing?" And I'm like, "Nothing."
57:17 Speaker 01 I'm driving!
57:18 H. Foley? Wait, who was driving? And I'm like, "I was." He's like, "Really?" And just fucking bought it. I remember when we went inside, we were like, "This fucking moron."
57:26 Speaker 01 One time we tried to take a cut through, me and my buddy were leaving a house party real fucked up in our hometown. I think we were like back for college or something.
57:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:34 Speaker 01 Tried to take a cut through of what we remembered as a-
57:36 Speaker 03 Probably closing all the ass, huh?
57:38 Speaker 01 We remember as a kid of like, "Oh, we used to cut through here like on our way home from school." But then like you just, you would, you know, it was like-
57:44 Speaker 03 In a car?
57:45 Speaker 01 No, we were walking. And we're like, "Oh, we're walking back." And we're like, "Oh yeah, it's like, I think if you go behind this house, it'll dump you off on that road or whatever."
57:51 Speaker 03 But sort of not.
57:52 Speaker 01 And we thought there was like a little path through the woods you would walk. And there was, and it just like got thicker and thicker. And then dude, we were just stuck-
58:00 Speaker 03 You saw a witch?
58:01 Speaker 01 In acres of sticker bushes. And dude, every walk, you just rip in and in and in. Then my buddy fell and he's like, "Just leave me, man. I'm never gonna make it." We were calling people at the party. They're like, "Where are you at?" We're like, "You gotta send help!" No idea where we were.
58:16 Speaker 03 Those stickers, you'll find them after the laundry, still on there.
58:19 Speaker 01 Oh. Worst part about it, we got back to my buddy's, it was like a two, two and a half hour ordeal. And we're so fucked up, we're bleeding. Like it's just, our blood so, it's like we got a tattoo drunk. We're just bleeding everywhere.
58:30 Speaker 03 So you girls go to St. Joe's, huh?
58:35 Speaker 01 I got a dandelion hanging out of my eye.
58:37 Speaker 03 How do you like that, Matt?
58:39 Speaker 01 And, uh, they go, so we get back to my buddy's house and we jump in the pool to like wash off. And his dad had just shocked the pool. And we started crying. His dad's like, "You fought..." We're like, "Ahhhh!" Bad night.
58:53 Speaker 03 What, because it's too much like chlorine?
58:55 Speaker 01 Too much. He had just dumped like-
58:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, open wounds.
58:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, quad, do we re, I mean, my mom was like, that was when my mom was like, "You have a problem." She's like, "Look at your legs."
59:03 Speaker 03 I wanna say something about the RE garbage card game.
59:05 Speaker 01 This is the old card game. New card game coming soon. Sign up for the, uh, announcement on REgarbage.com.
59:10 Speaker 03 What's the difference?
59:10 H. Foley? The third edition.
59:11 Speaker 03 Same or just new?
59:12 Speaker 01 New questions.
59:12 H. Foley? New questions.
59:13 Speaker 03 But the, if you own the old one, it's still great.
59:15 Speaker 01 Oh yeah.
59:15 H. Foley? Yeah.
59:16 Speaker 03 Get more, it's like, uh, settles the gout, you get add-ons.
59:19 Speaker 01 Hundred percent. Yeah, you get another fifty something.
59:21 Speaker 03 Well, I just saw this on random. I haven't looked at it. I've just been shuffling like a champ. Have you ever owned a Snuggie?
59:26 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
59:27 Speaker 03 And I, it's, a Snuggie is one of the best party gifts if you're going to a cabin or going to a
59:33 Speaker 01 You're not wrong. It's fun.
59:35 Speaker 03 You bring everyone a Snuggie. They have a flaming hot Cheetos one I found recently. And everyone's, no one's upset with it. They're like, I'm for sure gonna use, even for just this weekend, it's thirty bucks.
59:45 Speaker 01 It's funny pictures. You post a picture, everyone laughs.
59:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
59:48 Speaker 01 Look at, look at, you know, grandma.
59:51 H. Foley? That's my only thing. They get too hot.
59:52 Speaker 03 Take them off. Open back. The flaming hot Cheetos Snuggie is a new fucking development in the all plain.
1:00:00 Speaker 01 You, I never had an all, I mean, I, I had one in college. Mine was an Eagles one. Go Birds.
1:00:04 Speaker 03 Go Birds. Yeah.
1:00:06 Speaker 01 Um, yeah, mine was an Eagles one.
1:00:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, there's a few gifts that are like, just will always work. Snuggies for a party.
1:00:12 Speaker 01 You're not wrong. That's a good time.
1:00:13 H. Foley? Snuggies is a good time.
1:00:14 Speaker 03 I got it for a comedian's basketball league once. I got them all Snuggies. Slippers is solid. A robe for a real present. No one has one? A real thick robe. Someone has a child, I gotta do this for Norman. Someone has a child, get him a collection of books. Like, uh, Goodnight Moon.
1:00:29 Speaker 01 Ah, sure.
1:00:30 Speaker 03 Like, all those kinda books. The Caterpillar one, whatever the fuck that one was.
1:00:34 H. Foley? Caterpillar one?
1:00:35 Speaker 03 I don't know, there's a Caterpillar one. Then for, for, and then they'll all be like, oh my god, this is so thoughtful. No, it's not. I thought of it for someone else.
1:00:43 Speaker 01 I did this five years ago and it worked, idiot sucker.
1:00:45 Speaker 03 Idiot, dumb. You're gonna be a bad leader for your child.
1:00:48 Speaker 01 Uh, this is the one I was looking for, for funerals. This is from Basora, five dollar trash. Is it garbage if your step-grandmother bad? That's a bad statement right there.
1:00:59 Speaker 03 Are these all Patreon questions?
1:01:01 Speaker 01 If you sign up on Patreon.
1:01:02 Speaker 03 So if you sign up for patreon.com/areyougarbage, you can ask questions? And if you don't sign up for patreon.com/areyougarbage, you cannot.
1:01:09 Speaker 01 You cannot ask questions.
1:01:10 Speaker 03 Well, of those two options, I'd say signing up for patreon.com/areyougarbage is better for getting questions asked than not signing up for Patreon.
1:01:19 H. Foley? One hundred percent.
1:01:20 Speaker 01 Don't bleep that.
1:01:21 H. Foley? You know what else is great? You know what else is great?
1:01:24 Speaker 01 Cut it, print it.
1:01:24 H. Foley? America, America's Sweetheart on Netflix, starring Arshafir.
1:01:28 Speaker 03 Thank you.
1:01:29 Speaker 01 I love it.
1:01:29 Speaker 03 What's a question for this loser?
1:01:31 Speaker 01 It's just from Basora.
1:01:32 H. Foley? How dare you?
1:01:33 Speaker 01 Basora, five dollar trash, never had one read. Is it garbage if your step-grandmother's ashes were sprinkled at her favorite slot machine in Atlantic City? After her funeral?
1:01:44 H. Foley? Double.
1:01:44 Speaker 01 Dot, dot, dot. They even allowed this kind of behavior.
1:01:48 H. Foley? What the fuck? Somebody's gotta vacuum that up, though.
1:01:50 Speaker 03 There's so many levels. It was sprinkled already. Ash is at your favorite slot, all garbage. At Atlantic City, double garbage.
1:02:00 Speaker 01 Step-grandmother, too.
1:02:01 Speaker 03 Step-gra- that's quadruple garbage.
1:02:04 Speaker 01 Now, I have step-grandmothers. I've had multiple step-grandmothers in my past.
1:02:08 H. Foley? She was definitely in a rascal towards the end of her days, for sure.
1:02:12 Speaker 01 That was lung cancer. Lung cancer got her.
1:02:13 Speaker 03 It's a grandfather that remarried, or it's?
1:02:16 Speaker 01 No, to me, I mean, to me, it's my stepparent's mother.
1:02:19 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:02:21 Speaker 01 I had one. Now I have an ex-step-grandstepmother. They got divorced.
1:02:25 Speaker 03 You stopped getting Christmas presents, then?
1:02:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, I never got Christmas presents from that side.
1:02:30 H. Foley? You'd get some hard candy from her, though, maybe.
1:02:32 Speaker 03 Ooh, nice of Brax.
1:02:33 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:02:34 Speaker 03 I'm so sorry.
1:02:35 H. Foley? I love a Brax.
1:02:36 Speaker 01 No, you are not sorry. You are a rude individual, who I've heard is mean to blackjack dealers and/or slot machines.
1:02:45 Speaker 01 Um, yeah, that's very tr- I- I- listen, I like that, though. That is fun trash.
1:02:50 H. Foley? You gotta vacuum it up. Like, it's not gonna stay.
1:02:53 Speaker 03 You're not gonna vacuum it up. It's a slot machine. Let it go. They gotta vacuum it up.
1:02:57 H. Foley? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
1:02:58 Speaker 01 Yeah, but she's gonna get vacuumed up.
1:03:00 H. Foley? Yeah, she's gonna get vacuumed up.
1:03:01 Speaker 03 Well, you gotta do it a little bit at a time.
1:03:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, so it's like, it's gonna get in that.
1:03:05 Speaker 03 Can't make a pot- yeah, get it in the carpet, get it in the gears.
1:03:08 Speaker 01 You're sitting there kicking, like, rubbing it in.
1:03:09 Speaker 03 Who has- also, who has a favorite slot machine?
1:03:12 Speaker 01 Everybody that plays slot machines.
1:03:13 H. Foley? Yeah, what do you mean?
1:03:14 Speaker 01 Every single person.
1:03:15 Speaker 03 They wait over someone's shoulder, like?
1:03:17 H. Foley? Yeah, that's my machine.
1:03:19 Speaker 03 Like a telephone booth?
1:03:20 H. Foley? For sure.
1:03:21 Speaker 01 They wait, they watch how it's not primed yet.
1:03:23 H. Foley? That whole culture's all about that stuff.
1:03:24 Speaker 01 That's a lot, yeah.
1:03:26 H. Foley? My aunt loved the slots.
1:03:28 Speaker 01 I, yeah.
1:03:29 Speaker 03 It's an old person's dream, because you could stay there for a while, playing nickel and dime.
1:03:32 Speaker 01 And you could build up points, so it's like you feel like you're getting something back, and you're doing it. I- I-
1:03:38 Speaker 03 I don't like the development of where they give you a readout. Do the coins. Do the coins. We wanna feel the thing. And also, I want this. I don't want buttons. I wanna-
1:03:46 Speaker 01 That, yeah, feel the analog.
1:03:47 H. Foley? I like the bucket, too. The bucket always made a great soda cup.
1:03:51 Speaker 01 What bucket?
1:03:52 H. Foley? The bucket that they give you.
1:03:54 Speaker 01 Oh.
1:03:54 H. Foley? For your coins.
1:03:55 Speaker 03 Solid soda cup, yeah.
1:03:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:03:57 Speaker 03 That's a soda, dude. It's a wide double, double man soda.
1:04:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's a bucket. It's not a cup. That's crazy.
1:04:03 H. Foley? Sure is.
1:04:03 Speaker 03 That's more of a popcorn thing, but...
1:04:04 Speaker 01 Also, think about how many coins have been in there. You ain't get...
1:04:07 H. Foley? Wash it up.
1:04:07 Speaker 01 No, no, no dishwashers getting that metallic taste in it. No way, dude. The amount of quarters that have been in there?
1:04:14 H. Foley? That's a nice cold soda right there.
1:04:15 Speaker 03 Do you guys ever ta-
1:04:16 H. Foley? Lot of ice.
1:04:17 Speaker 03 Have you guys ever take back the things from like, like a popcorn thing from a ballgame? Take it home with you and like, use that as your popcorn serving thing? Until, until your chick goes, "No, this, we're dropping this."
1:04:27 H. Foley? Wait, from like a, like a regular movie one?
1:04:29 Speaker 01 No, like a plastic one.
1:04:30 H. Foley? Oh, yeah, a plastic one. That's coming home with me.
1:04:33 Speaker 03 It's coming home.
1:04:33 H. Foley? I'm throwing that out.
1:04:34 Speaker 01 Used, I used to do that. I mean, cups.
1:04:36 H. Foley? Same thing with the little helmets.
1:04:37 Speaker 03 Little helmets.
1:04:38 H. Foley? Come on, what am I, an asshole?
1:04:39 Speaker 03 You gotta take it. You've never, ever, though, served yourself ice cream in one of those cups.
1:04:43 Speaker 01 No.
1:04:44 Speaker 03 And you should. And you should, and we've all missed out on that opportunity.
1:04:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, you shouldn't.
1:04:48 H. Foley? I love those.
1:04:48 Speaker 01 Small serving size.
1:04:50 H. Foley? You're old enough to remember, you remember the little football helmets, right? That you'd get in the vending machines?
1:04:54 Speaker 03 They were the best. And you'd get enough of them where you could keep the standings on your shelf of like, who's up?
1:04:58 Speaker 01 Who's in first, who's in second, who's in third, who's in fourth, who's in fifth?
1:05:01 H. Foley? It was almost impossible to collect all them, though.
1:05:04 Speaker 03 It was.
1:05:04 H. Foley? It was a crapshoot back then.
1:05:06 Speaker 03 They'd never give you a Cardinals.
1:05:08 Speaker 01 Or a Houston?
1:05:09 H. Foley? Houston Oilers were tough to get to.
1:05:11 Speaker 03 I always loved that, when the Cardinals moved to Arizona, and that they would have like, uh, D A L versus A R I. I'm like, "Nice."
1:05:20 Speaker 01 Oh.
1:05:21 Speaker 03 It was pretty sweet.
1:05:22 H. Foley? Everything's coming up, Ari.
1:05:24 Speaker 01 Man, the things you think are cool when you're a kid. "Ah, Kevin's Pub, take a picture." It was like, you'd tell the, you'd tell your cousins. "I's in fucking Toledo, and R's at Kevin's Pub. It's pretty cool."
1:05:36 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's a pretty normal name. Like, "No, you don't understand. I was thinking of you."
1:05:39 Speaker 01 Finding like, you'd be at a rest stop. I still do it from time to time, be at a rest stop, and like, they had the license plate that's, and you're like, "I'm on it. There's always a Kevin."
1:05:48 Speaker 03 Bro, for 25 years-
1:05:50 Speaker 01 You can't find it.
1:05:51 Speaker 03 I've been looking for an Ari. I stop every, every one they have, no, no, no, no, Chinatown, airports, foreign-
1:05:57 Speaker 01 You gotta try Israel.
1:05:58 Speaker 03 Waiting for an Ari. The best I've got is Ariana. I'm like, "Come on! Give me one fucking Ari, personalized. Fuck!"
1:06:05 Speaker 01 You never got one?
1:06:05 Speaker 03 Never. It's not a normal name.
1:06:07 H. Foley? Check the Bennigan's in Tel Aviv. That's not happening.
1:06:10 Speaker 03 Simpson's had one of those where it's like, Bart's looking for one and he's like, Barry, Ben, Bort? And he goes, what's this? And he goes, and then somebody else comes like, my son is also named Bort.
1:06:23 H. Foley? I remember that, it's pretty good.
1:06:25 Speaker 03 Simpson's is alright, they're gonna laugh.
1:06:28 Speaker 01 Uh, we got time for a couple more here. This one is, uh, this is a gr- well, I wanted to do this one earlier, I forgot about it.
1:06:34 Speaker 03 Are you garbage is the best podcast going right now?
1:06:38 Speaker 01 Oh, thanks for that.
1:06:39 Speaker 03 It's fun, always, it's meaningless, you don't waste anything, it's just friends hanging out, drinking expired ale, let's go.
1:06:45 Speaker 01 Some old meads.
1:06:49 H. Foley? And he could mix and match here. Make a suicide.
1:06:52 Speaker 01 Also, you can't have two of the same beers, it's contractually, we're not allowed to do it. Well, last time you were here, we drank everything but these beers. We drank everything out, that we had.
1:07:03 Speaker 03 I still say we gotta have a party one day. Full party, how close are these mics? If people are talking right there, would-
1:07:08 Speaker 01 We could figure it out. Drop some boom mics?
1:07:11 H. Foley? Yeah.
1:07:11 Speaker 01 Ari wants to have a party in here and film it.
1:07:13 Speaker 03 I wanna have a party.
1:07:14 Speaker 01 But no comics are gonna like, let go and have a good time.
1:07:17 Speaker 03 Yes, they will. Yes, they will.
1:07:19 Speaker 01 Can't be doing bumps and shit like that.
1:07:20 Speaker 03 Yes, we can.
1:07:21 Speaker 01 Alright.
1:07:22 Speaker 03 Right behind any of the cameras. Over there, well, that's all.
1:07:25 H. Foley? Hey, convince me.
1:07:27 Speaker 01 Alright, I'm so, let's get a bag.
1:07:28 Speaker 03 That's the bump room, this is the not bump room. Yeah, and we'll just have a good time, and then a couple of people will be on, we'll swap out. The fucking, Art, Tuddy's gone, we're having a house party.
1:07:39 H. Foley? It's not a bad idea, Kevin.
1:07:41 Speaker 01 Why are you looking at me? You just want the blow.
1:07:43 Speaker 03 I've been pushing it for a while, yeah, the blow, that's all part of it.
1:07:47 Speaker 01 I'm putting that, I'm putting that life behind me, I'm not drinking or smoking anymore, Ari.
1:07:51 Speaker 03 You're not, what?
1:07:52 Speaker 01 I'm drinking, just not as much.
1:07:54 Speaker 03 Alright, alright, have a beer, have a fucking, I don't know.
1:07:56 Speaker 01 No, that's what I'm getting off of, I'm getting off of having a beer, having two.
1:08:00 H. Foley? Tuddy's house party.
1:08:01 Speaker 03 So what are you doing?
1:08:01 Speaker 01 I'm just having like, ten, eleven. When I have them.
1:08:04 Speaker 03 Dude, we all went out to celebrate my birthday, my, uh, special?
1:08:07 Speaker 01 Thanks for the invite.
1:08:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, special, it was awesome, it was awesome.
1:08:10 Speaker 01 You want me to, you want me to have a party, you don't invite me to your party?
1:08:13 Speaker 03 It was awesome, Texas.
1:08:14 Speaker 01 You got invited?
1:08:14 H. Foley? I was there.
1:08:17 H. Foley? We had a good time.
1:08:18 Speaker 03 It was awesome.
1:08:18 Speaker 01 We're so glad Kevin's not here.
1:08:21 H. Foley? It was all Christmas beers.
1:08:23 Speaker 03 I did two podcasts, I did Joe Rogan podcast, which you guys have never been on, and did Kill Tony, which you have been on. And then we all went out Tuesday, we were with Hassan, Tony, Matt Edgar, Wolfie, a few other people.
1:08:34 Speaker 01 Good hang.
1:08:35 Speaker 03 And a great hang, great hang. DeRosa, which is the best guy to drink with. He's in my credits in my special.
1:08:40 Speaker 01 He's a good time.
1:08:40 Speaker 03 Things I love, is drinking with DeRosa.
1:08:42 Speaker 01 Did we make the credits?
1:08:44 H. Foley? Special thanks, how you doing?
1:08:46 Speaker 03 If I had a podcast part, it definitely would have been. I don't know.
1:08:51 Speaker 01 Well, this just got awkward. Wasn't invited to the premiere party, wasn't in the credits.
1:08:57 Speaker 03 I was watching the credits with Tony.
1:08:58 Speaker 01 Hanging out with DeRosa.
1:08:59 Speaker 03 We were watching late at night after we drank.
1:09:00 Speaker 01 You know I love a sandwich.
1:09:01 Speaker 03 And it was all these comedians I love, and Tony's like waiting, and he's like, so I wasn't on there? I'm like, William Montgomery's on there and I'm not on there?
1:09:07 Speaker 01 Really?
1:09:08 Speaker 03 Like, I don't know, it's just things I, I don't know.
1:09:09 Speaker 01 I respect it.
1:09:10 Speaker 03 I had to, the narrative, the list was like 600 long.
1:09:12 Speaker 01 I think we were on the last one, or we were on somebody's.
1:09:14 H. Foley? Burt's.
1:09:15 Speaker 01 Yes, or somebody's?
1:09:17 H. Foley? No, Burt's.
1:09:17 Speaker 01 We were on someone else's as well.
1:09:19 Speaker 03 Yeah. Anyway.
1:09:20 Speaker 01 I thought for sure I'd get the nod from Mr. Shaffir.
1:09:22 Speaker 03 We were out, we were drinking, we were making toast, Hassan was like, I don't drink.
1:09:26 Speaker 01 I don't care anymore.
1:09:28 Speaker 03 Alright, next story. Next story. Let's have a party.
1:09:32 Speaker 01 This story bores me. Was I there? Was I talked about?
1:09:37 Speaker 03 Yeah. But Hassan was like, I don't drink anymore, it was like, he's on only special occasions, and we're like, so...
1:09:42 Speaker 01 This is a special occasion?
1:09:43 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, right.
1:09:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:09:44 Speaker 03 Let's do it. Let's have a house party, let's have a Tooties house party.
1:09:47 Speaker 01 I want to have a, I want to have a card game here.
1:09:50 H. Foley? That's a pretty good idea.
1:09:51 Speaker 03 You built this place for a card game.
1:09:52 Speaker 01 Get a dealer, scream at him.
1:09:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:09:55 H. Foley? Or just get some bumps.
1:09:58 Speaker 03 Dude, we're doing blow. We're doing blow.
1:10:01 Speaker 01 No, we gotta keep the big man alive.
1:10:03 Speaker 03 Yeah, we're doing blow, we're gonna test him with fentanyl, and if it comes up with that squiggly line, you can't tell, we're doing it one at a time.
1:10:09 Speaker 01 One at a time, 10 minute intervals.
1:10:10 Speaker 03 Yeah, 10 minute intervals, that's risky. You gotta wait an hour to see.
1:10:15 Speaker 01 An hour?
1:10:16 Speaker 03 That's an hour.
1:10:17 Speaker 01 I got blow to do.
1:10:18 Speaker 03 Everybody catch up.
1:10:19 H. Foley? We'll put the Fitbit on.
1:10:22 Speaker 03 Should test the fentanyl.
1:10:24 H. Foley? Gang, the special?
1:10:26 Speaker 01 Uh huh. Oh, hold on, I wanted to, wait, wait, wait, I wanted to do this one, this one.
1:10:29 H. Foley? That was a big closer right there.
1:10:31 Speaker 01 Already comes, we get all squiggly.
1:10:32 H. Foley? I was broadcasting 101 right there, I was about to hit it.
1:10:36 Speaker 01 No, 101, you put it in the middle of a goddamn question.
1:10:38 Speaker 03 We could switch off who's on air.
1:10:40 Speaker 01 This guy's a goddamn party.
1:10:41 Speaker 03 It could be a seven hour broadcast.
1:10:42 H. Foley? Get sandwiches?
1:10:44 Speaker 03 Yeah. Oh, yeah, get sandwiches. We'll get Joey Rose's sandwiches. Have shit there, shit there. Just like a non-stop party.
1:10:52 H. Foley? Get a dunk tank in there.
1:10:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, you guys might not be on at some points. Just get in there, we'll do like little intervals.
1:10:59 H. Foley? Lock us out.
1:11:00 Speaker 03 Of course, we should do this. The more I say it, this is a great idea. Yeah, lock you guys in the bathroom.
1:11:06 Speaker 01 That's the Christmas beers talking.
1:11:08 Speaker 03 Where's H Foley? He's like, ah, don't open that door.
1:11:11 H. Foley? I'm dead.
1:11:12 Speaker 03 Guys, H would have wanted us to keep going.
1:11:15 H. Foley? Is some little Jewish getting there watching me? Can't leave him alone. Ah, look at that, right there, boom, America sweetheart. Boom, that's how I close it. We'll see you out in the room. See that?
1:11:27 Speaker 01 No, this one's good.
1:11:28 H. Foley? What do you got? Here we go.
1:11:30 Speaker 01 You ever have them sandwiches? No, this is our, our, Jesus Christ, this guy's got a pro, this guy's bonkers. Uh, this is from Prison Wolf 001. You's ever almost drowned? That's a good one, we've never talked about. When I was eight years old, Splash Lagoon almost took me out for good.
1:11:52 Speaker 03 A fake water park?
1:11:54 Speaker 01 That's how they get you.
1:11:55 Speaker 03 That's how they get you.
1:11:56 Speaker 01 The rules are bad there.
1:11:57 H. Foley? You always die in a lazy river.
1:11:59 Speaker 03 Wow.
1:11:59 H. Foley? Yeah, I've, I mean, I feel like that is a trashier type thing.
1:12:04 Speaker 03 I thought when you ever drowned, it was like the surf kept tossing me.
1:12:06 H. Foley? I've had, I've had that before.
1:12:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:12:08 H. Foley? Frightening.
1:12:09 Speaker 03 And you're like, oh, this ocean is...
1:12:11 H. Foley? Yeah, this is it.
1:12:12 Speaker 01 Come up your underwear, your bathing suits all fucking...
1:12:16 H. Foley? Yeah, dude.
1:12:17 Speaker 03 When you're a kid and somebody pulls you down in the pool. You're like, stop it, stop it! He's like, you hit your line?
1:12:24 Speaker 01 You come up so panicked and everyone's laughing? That's a, that's a tough one.
1:12:32 H. Foley? The crazy thing in the water is sometimes nobody sees you, nobody notices. And you just have the most dramatic experience of your life and everyone's like, "What the fuck are you looking at?"
1:12:40 Speaker 01 Yeah, the hot dogs are done. You're fucking, you're seeing Jesus, dude.
1:12:44 Speaker 03 You're trying to come in angry and everyone's like, "No, we're having a good time."
1:12:47 Speaker 01 Oh, stop it, stop it, stop it.
1:12:49 H. Foley? I used to hate getting dunked in the water. That's my biggest fear. The older kids would get into the, the community pool, start dunking young kids.
1:12:55 Speaker 01 Sometimes when you were, you were a younger kid swimming with the big boys, the waves would get to you. They'd start, they'd start a wave pool and like, I didn't, I didn't have the buoyancy to go up. They start chopping you. You're like a dog.
1:13:10 Speaker 01 Dude, your, your pat, your fight or flight is cooking and you think, you think that's it and everyone's having a good time.
1:13:16 Speaker 03 And you're like, "I am going to die."
1:13:20 Speaker 01 Meanwhile, you're in the three foot above ground pool.
1:13:22 Speaker 03 It's not just, it's just uncomfortable. It's, "I'm going to die."
1:13:25 H. Foley? Gang, the special is America, sweetheart.
1:13:27 Speaker 01 There it is.
1:13:28 H. Foley? See how you do that right there? Boom!
1:13:30 Speaker 03 That's a pro. That's a pro.
1:13:32 Speaker 01 Wait, I got one more.
1:13:35 H. Foley? America sweetheart, Ari Shaffir on Netflix streaming right now. Do yourself a favor, go over there and check it out. Plus, we're on the road.
1:13:41 Speaker 01 Yes, let me hit the cities real quick.
1:13:43 H. Foley? Go ahead.
1:13:43 Speaker 01 We are going to Pontiac, Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, uh, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Atlantic City, uh, Madison, Wisconsin, and Indianapolis. All tickets are on sale right now. That'll be in March and April. All tickets on sale, are you garbage dot com.
1:13:59 H. Foley? Ari's got them too. Hit him, Ari.
1:14:01 Speaker 03 Bray, Nashville, San Antonio, Tampa, Denver, Schaumburg, Atlanta, Portland, San Jose, Orlando, Seattle, Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton, Anchorage, and then I'm done for a year and a half.
1:14:09 H. Foley? Luke, cut all that.
1:14:10 Speaker 01 We love you. See you next time.
1:14:13 H. Foley? Peace!
Previous Jon DelCollo! Next Credit Card Fraud w/ Kippy & Foley! Page updated November 5, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated