Learn the One Filter That Exposes a Fake Friend Instantly

Every person in your life is telling you the truth about themselves right now, just not with their mouth. That is the filter I open this weekend mashup with, and it is why I brought together some of the sharpest minds I know on reading people, building real confidence and telling the difference between someone who loves you and someone who is just good at saying it. Dr. Marisa Franco is breaking down the actual research on why some friendships take root and others fade. Brendon Burchard and I get into the two small promises I started keeping to myself and how the habit of keeping tiny commitments directly relates to whether you can trust a person or not. Then you hear the raw truth from a man who finished Navy SEAL training, Army Ranger School and Air Force tech school in one lifetime, David Goggins, describing the 19 hours that broke him down and rebuilt him at the same time. What he says about the people from his old life who still want to pull him back will stick with you. Here's what you'll walk away with: Filter test: the exact shift in how you watch people that tells you instantly who is real. Friendship science: why the group you show up to again and again matters more than how the first meeting felt. Confidence rebuild: the two tiny promises that pulled me out of my lowest point. The cookie jar: how to reach for proof of your own toughness when your body wants to quit. The lens flip: one question that will change how every person in your life experiences you. I have spent the past few years listening less and watching more, and every relationship in my life is better for it. Watch the people around you this week instead of just listening to them, and you will already understand more about your life than you did yesterday. 👉 SUBSCRIBE TO ED'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL NOW 👈 → → → CONNECT WITH ED MYLETT ON SOCIAL MEDIA: ← ← ← INSTAGRAM FACEBOOK LINKEDIN X WEBSITE Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

  I hear so many small business owners say the exact same thing. They just never have enough time in the day. Well, I measure time differently. I've compressed, condensed, heck, I've bent time. My first day is 6:00 AM to noon. My second day starts at noon and goes till 6:00 PM. And my third day, 6:00 PM to midnight. I now get 21 days a week. Stack that up over a month, over a year, over five years, and my life's completely different than it would have been otherwise. And if you want to win as an entrepreneur, you have to compress your time too. And you definitely can't afford to waste it waiting weeks on a big bank for capital. Your best bet's to work with my friends at Cardiff. They know how to compress time for entrepreneurs. They get your business approved in minutes and funded the very same day. They're America's favorite small business lender, and for good reason.

• 0:45Ed Mylett?

  Over 20 years in business, over 12 billion deployed to small business across America. Stop letting bank delays slow down your momentum. Head to cardiff.co/ed. That's cardiff.co/ed. Cardiff.co. Real growth, fast funding. Cardiff, borrow better.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  If you've got an insurance question, you could talk to your Nana. But she'd probably just tell you how she insured her couch from stains by covering it with plastic. Or you could talk to your local GEICO agent. They'll give you a different kind of warm and fuzzy with personalized assistance for all your insurance needs, like how you could be saving on your policies. So let your Nana cover her couch in plastic and let a local GEICO agent help cover you, but not in plastic. To find a GEICO agent near you, visit geico.com-local.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  This is the Ed Mylett Show.

• 1:41Ed Mylett?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Be sure to follow the Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. Welcome back to the show, everybody. I love our solo episodes because I have a chance every week to answer some of the questions you submit and hopefully help you on the show by creating content that solves those problems or gives you inspiration, or maybe it's tactics and strategies that can improve or change your life. And so if you do have a question you want to answer on the show, go to my Instagram, @EdMylett, E-D-M-Y-L-E-T-T. Make sure you're following me and you can direct message a question and maybe it'll end up on the show. This week's topic is really about reading people, creating a little bit more happiness and bliss and productivity in your life by dealing better with human beings, whether that be in a relationship or in your business life.

• 2:27Ed Mylett?

  And so I'm going to give you some advice you probably never heard before. But what I want you to do is I want you to begin to turn the volume down on the people in your life. Actually, what I want you to do is I want you to turn the sound off altogether. Almost like watching people in your life like they're a silent movie. I just watched a movie recently, and if you don't like violent stuff, don't watch this, but it's called Sisu. And in this movie, it's basically an actor that you watch through the entire movie. The lead character of the movie doesn't speak. He never enunciates a word in the entire movie, yet it's gripping and compelling because you actually learn to love this person and understand them by watching actually how they behave and what they do as opposed to what they say.

• 3:08Ed Mylett?

  So you spend a couple hours watching this man go through terrible circumstances after a war, but you end up rooting for him and loving him and understanding him very deeply, and he never speaks a word. See, in our lives right now, people really can manipulate you with language. And words are used to really manipulate and trick. They're almost a mask. And we begin to believe what people say, and this can be very serious. I've had some situations in close relationships recently in my life where somebody was telling me something over and over and over again, but all of the evidence to my eye said something else was going on. But they were so persuasive with their words that I took my eye off what I was actually seeing them do.

• 3:50Ed Mylett?

  And so especially in personal relationships, so often what people will tell us, we want to believe and we want to buy into, and it's a diversion from actually what they do. You would learn a lot about the people in your life, especially the people very close to you. If you turned the sound off and just watched them. I know this sounds sort of harsh, but I really don't listen to what people say to me very much anymore in my life. I watch what they do. What they do speaks so loudly, I can't hear a word they're saying. Yet, most people live differently. They respond to the words and the things. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. There's someone in business. I'm so motivated. I'm so excited. Great, prove it. And when I watch them, they don't act that way. Or I love you so much, I'll do anything for you. But they don't even clean up their dishes.

• 4:35Ed Mylett?

  They don't even get home on time, whatever it might be in your relationship or in your business life. And so if you begin to watch, remember those old silent movies, the old black and white movies? They do entire movies with no sound because it's so interesting to watch a human being. Words are misleading. And so many of you in your life right now, you're in a relationship with somebody who's saying all the right things, and you may even believe them right now. And the truth is, they don't behave in a way that's reflective of those words. And it won't be until years and years and years of that behavior catching up with them that you finally realize it. But what if you just started to listen a little less and watch a little more? Some of those behaviors can be really detrimental and harmful, too. And if you're not watching and you're always listening, you can become very, very confused.

• 5:20Ed Mylett?

  The other thing is in business, you know, people will say the right thing all the time, but you got to watch them. What do they do? How do they show up? How do they work? How dedicated are they? We've become a world really misled by language. And it can be really painful, can't it? When someone's words, eventually you realize, never match their actions. Or in business, it can be catastrophic to make mistakes and watch people say all the right things, but their conduct is not congruent with their words. The other thing is in life is that I think the people that you want to be around the most actually do act the way that they speak. Those are the people that you can get closest to. Those are the people that you can trust. Too many of us rely on the spoken word and not enough on what we're seeing right in front of us.

• 6:05Ed Mylett?

  And it's not until many years or long after you go, it was right there. The writing was on the wall. I saw it. Why didn't I act on it? Because you were listening too much. And so the best advice I can give you to live a happier, more blissful life, and it's a sad thing to say, but the truth is, is watch how they behave. Even as a parent with our children, it's not what they say, it's what they do. In every area of life, what someone does should be speaking the loudest, but it doesn't. And then even on your own life, what if you begin to really take a look at your own actions? What you actually really do every day? If you really love somebody, do you act like you love them? Do you treat them like you? See, love is a verb, not a noun.

• 6:50Ed Mylett?

  It's a verb. You have to act in a certain way and behave in a certain way. And if you're not doing that to somebody, you're not loving them like you should. You say, I'm dedicated, but you're not there very often, right? Or as a parent, I'll do anything for my children. You say all these things we're supposed to say, but do you? You'll do anything? Really, do you? In business, man, all the right things. I'm motivated. I'm pumped up. I'm learning. I'm growing. Prove it. Do it. And so in our lives, eventually, by the way, eventually, everybody is revealed by their deeds. Everybody is revealed by what they do, not what they say. And you'd be a lot happier if you did it. The other side of that, too, it's something that I really worry about is social media,

• 7:33Ed Mylett?

  where we're watching people say all the right things. See, the one thing on social media, especially this time of year is everyone's out having a great time. Everybody's partying. Everybody's celebrating, right? And a lot of times, you're sitting there with your own problems, your own life right in front of you, what you've got to deal with, the actual things, actually things you've got to do. And you're watching people show you all this very orchestrated, very curated content. And it seems like, doesn't it seem like in life, everybody's at a party? Everybody's on a yacht? Everybody's in Greece? Everybody's laughing? Everybody's got great friends? Everybody's enjoying their life? Everybody's got plenty of money to spend? And then you're sitting there dealing with a problem, a frustration, an issue. You're dealing with the things you do.

• 8:17Ed Mylett?

  And it's one of the real detriments of social media. I want you to remember this. None of that's real. I'm with those people a lot of times when they're posting it. And they're in an argument with their spouse before they take the beautiful picture.

• 8:30Ed Mylett?

  They're struggling to pay the bill at the bar that they're celebrating and, you know, toasting to. And so it's not real. It's never, in life, it's never as good as it seems. And the truth is, it's never as bad as it seems in our lives. But it's very easy to get very jaded and frustrated and down over watching the words of people on social media or even the videos they post and little snippets of their lives. And it makes us think our own lives aren't all that rewarding. I want you to remember something that I've really found out as I've gotten older. Everybody's screwed up. Everybody's got problems. Everybody's struggling. Just some people are better at masking it. Some people are better at covering it up.

• 9:12Ed Mylett?

  The truth is, is like, once you know that, and by the way, I'll let you in on the inside. I have some of the most successful people in the world on my show. I coached some of them. I coached, I've been blessed to coach some of the top athletes in the world, some of the top business people, CEOs, entertainers, politicians, even myself. I have a laundry list of problems all the time. I'm struggling most of the time. And I'm probably guilty of it as well, posting highlight reels of my day in my life when the truth of the matter is, I'm screwed up. I'm just trying to figure things out as well. I think one of the reasons my show works is I'm vulnerable and authentic about that, that I'm working through many of these things. Success leaves clues. I'm 52 years old.

• 9:57Ed Mylett?

  I've got a lot of solutions because you know why? I've had a lot of problems. I have a lot of answers because I've had lots of questions in my life. And so don't let other people fool you into you believing their life is perfect because you're watching them. If you begin to watch people with the sound off, with the social media off, you'd understand we're all human beings. We're all trying to get through this life and grow and improve and be happier and create memories and make a difference. We all are. We're just at different stages or different versions of it. Sometimes people are further down the road of solving those problems, maybe like myself, but by no means did I not go down that road. By no means are there still not issues and problems. And quite frankly, tragedy's often in life that happened from time to time.

• 10:43Ed Mylett?

  But we'd all be better suited if we were aware that that's the case. We'd all be better suited in our relationships and in our business lives if we did the silent movie. Turn the sound down, turn the volume all the way down. How are you really treating me? How do you really behave? How loving are you really? How dedicated are you really? How committed are you really? In our relationship? At work? How motivated and hardworking are you really? How much do you really care? And we only know that by watching. We've become a world conditioned to listen, to listen, to listen.

• 11:24Ed Mylett?

  We've become a world conditioned to look at social media and really believe that's real life. That's not real. And in your real life, neither are the words people speak. I'm not saying that people don't have beautiful words and mean them. What I'm saying is we're fooled by them often. We're deceived by them often. We're manipulated by them often. And it maybe we are because we want to believe it. Maybe we are because we would just like to believe that that's the case. And you know what's really cool? The great people in your life, the loving people in your life, when you turn the sound down on their life, they're even better. In fact, most of the great, loving and amazing people in your life don't spend a lot of time with their words trying to convince you. They just quietly go about their lives showing you.

• 12:10Ed Mylett?

  In your business life, it's not the person who stands up and speaks all the time. It's the person who draws very little attention to themselves and just serves and makes a difference. Think about that if you have a great mom like I do. When's the last time your mom bragged about the things she did for you? My mom has never once said, you know how many meals I cooked for you? Do you know how many times I wiped your nose or your butt or took care of you when you were sick? Do you know how many times I picked you up from school when I was sick and didn't want to? How many times I held you when you were crying or I drove you home from a sporting event after you struck out three times? How many times I've stayed up nights waiting for you to come home when you're in high school to make sure you were safe?

• 12:53Ed Mylett?

  How much praying I've done for you and loving I do? How many minutes a day, even now that you're in your 50s, I think about you and worry about you? Our moms never point those things out to us. They just quietly do them. And probably neither do you. With the people you really love in your life, you don't need to point it out. You don't need to say it. Because love is a verb. Work is a verb. Service is a verb. Contribution is a verb. And so start to turn the sound down. Man, your life will get better. It's maybe the number one key I could give you. To be able to make better decisions, to assess people, to judge properly,

• 13:34Ed Mylett?

  to navigate your life, to decide whether to stay in a relationship or a business, whether to hire somebody or not, is to watch them with the sound off. And then lastly, watch yourself with the sound off. When you turn all the noise down on you, what are you doing every single day? So when you drown out all the noise, all the social media, all the distraction, our life comes down to a handful of moments every day of the decisions and choices we make. And when we make the right decisions and take the right actions, the words will come. The accolades will come, the rewards will come. And eventually, everybody's revealed. If you're a person of faith, at some point in your life, when you, you get to heaven, you ain't gonna talk your way in there.

• 14:20Ed Mylett?

  Right? You know, you're not gonna talk your way in there. It's the life you lived. It's who you accepted and believed in when you were here. That's what's gonna count. It's not the words. Words go away real quickly. Actions live on forever. Actions are like seeds that you're planting that reap a harvest. Actions vibrate at certain frequencies and attract certain things in our life. Words don't vibrate at very high frequencies. It's a very low frequency behavior. Actions and intentions vibrate at the highest possible frequency and they eventually draw into our lives basically a harvest of which we've planted with our actions. And so I just want to encourage you to do that.

• 15:00Ed Mylett?

  The people that I've admired the most in my life, and I'm a speaker by the way, so I do a lot of words and I host a lot of podcasts and I do a lot of interviews and I coach a lot of people.

• 15:10Ed Mylett?

  But in my life, the people that I've listened to the closely speak very quietly. Speak very little. They're the ones that I, I lean in when they speak because they don't have a lot of time to speak because they're doing so much action taking. So many deeds of service and love and hard work and contribution that the few times they do speak, you really want to hear from them. You all know this, you have that person in your life that when they speak, everybody listens because you respect them so highly. And the reason you respect them so highly is not the previous words they've spoken. It's the previous actions they've taken. And the actions they've taken consistently in their life over and over and over again that reveal who they really are.

• 15:51Ed Mylett?

  Because long term in our lives, you show me your schedule, you show me your actions, you show me the behaviors of your life and I will eventually show you your life. You show me your words and I have no idea what your life's going to look like. So take it from a guy who's lived a little longer than many of you. As I've gotten older and older, I listen a lot less and I watch a lot more. I listen a lot less to myself and I observe and watch myself a lot more. And I certainly don't pay attention to what I see on social media because I know better. I know we're all a little bit messed up and trying to get through this life. And by the way, when I say we're all a little bit messed up, I actually believe we're made perfect in God's image.

• 16:34Ed Mylett?

  But that we were put here to grow and expand and that we're given these challenges and these problems in our life as ways in which to reveal solutions, as ways that our faith in our lives is revealed. In my own life, I have to tell you, I've reached the conclusion many different times that I'm not capable on my own. And that I look higher. And I looked at Jesus in my life, in your life, whatever God is for you, but I look there for my comfort, for my answers, for my solutions because I'm not always capable. I'm not always worthy. I'm not always ready to meet the moment. But he always is in my life.

• 17:14Ed Mylett?

  And it's not because of the words that he spoke, it's because of the deeds that he did, because of the way that he lived his life that I follow him.

• 17:27Ed Mylett?

  And because of the way he lived his life, those words have depth and meaning to me. Because they're congruent with the actions that he took. I hope this helped you today. I know it's brief. But it's really, really important. And I guarantee you there'll be a moment in the next few days where my words will be a healthy reminder to you in some situation. This will not take long to make an impact on your life. It will not take long, it may not even take that many hours before a situation's gonna come up and you're gonna go, I remember what he said, I'm gonna watch this with the sound off here. I'm beginning to watch it like a silent movie. Watch this person like a silent movie. Because once they behave in the way that is congruent, then their words really have impact and meaning. It's like a validation on their behavior. Very short intermission here, folks.

• 18:12Ed Mylett?

  I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Now onto our next guest. This episode is sponsored by Ro. A lot of people assume GLP-1's cost a fortune and that assumption keeps them from even looking into treatment. Ro helps people find a more affordable path to FDA-approved GLP-1 treatment. Ro wants to help people lose weight. That's why they have more affordable GLP-1 options, whether you're paying with insurance or cash. Ro's free insurance checker makes it easy to see if you're covered for GLP-1 injections. Just submit your insurance card and Ro handles the rest. No paperwork, no waiting on hold, no confusing phone calls. And if insurance doesn't cover treatment, there are still options.

• 18:53Ed Mylett?

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• 19:33Ed Mylett?

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• 20:15Ed Mylett?

  That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

• 20:20Speaker 03

  Wayfair, every style, every home.

• 20:24Ed Mylett?

  All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. Today is all about friends. We're gonna talk about how to be a better friend, why friendships matter so deeply. And I have to tell you, this woman's work is so fascinating to me because it's a little bit of a contrarian viewpoint, yet when you hear the things she talks about, I think they're gonna resonate with you right away that they're true. And any of you that want to be a better friend, want more friends, want deeper friendships, just better relationships in general, I have the woman here that's gonna help you with it. My guest today is Dr. Marisa Franco. She is currently a New York Times bestselling author of the new book called Platonic, How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends. She's also got a PhD in counseling psychology.

• 21:07Ed Mylett?

  She's been an expert on, you know, different programs, including Good Morning America. And now on the Ed Mylett Show. So Dr. Franco, great to have you here, welcome.

• 21:16Dr. Marisa Franco?

  Thank you so much for having me. Happy to be here.

• 21:19Ed Mylett?

  Well, you should be, you just became a New York Times bestselling author.

• 21:22Dr. Marisa Franco?

  Yes.

• 21:23Ed Mylett?

  The rest of your life, when you walk in a room, it's no longer Dr. Marisa Franco. It's New York Times bestselling author, Dr. Marisa Franco. Someone listening to this, I go, you know, I've, I've had good friendships in my life, but like Ed said earlier, my, my, my best girlfriend just got, she got married a couple of years ago and she's just spending more time. She's had, you know, and some of this is just natural things. She's had children now, maybe I haven't. And so she's got more time there and I'm finding myself, you know, on a Friday night, wanting to go enjoy the company of other people, but I'm struggling to find those people. What would you say to somebody who's listening, goes, I'd, I'd like to cultivate and find some more friendships? I know it's a broad question, but I'm sure in your case, because you're the best in the world, that you probably have a couple of suggestions.

• 22:07Dr. Marisa Franco?

  Thank you, Ed. I do, I do. Um, the first is to join a community that's repeated over time. So don't go to that networking event. Go to that professional development group, right? Go to the book club, go to the hiking group, go to the running group, go to the improv club. Because when you see people repeatedly, you capitalize on something called the mere exposure effect. Our unconscious tendency to like people when they are simply familiar to us. You know, these researchers planted women into a psychology lecture and they found that at the end of the semester, students in the lecture reported liking the woman who showed up to the most classes. Twenty percent more than the one who didn't show up to any, even though they didn't remember any of these women, right?

• 22:51Dr. Marisa Franco?

  And so when you join something repeated, that's something to keep in mind. First of all, your first meeting is probably gonna be awkward. It's uncomfortable. New exposure effect has not set in. That's, that's not a sign that you shouldn't be engaging anymore. Commit for two to three months, once you find a club that you like, before giving up on forming connections there.

• 23:09Ed Mylett?

  That's a great flipping suggestion. It's also people that probably have a shared or common interest with you, right?

• 23:16Dr. Marisa Franco?

  Exactly.

• 23:17Ed Mylett?

  Perclivity to think about you. What about that? So I wanna go somewhere kinda difficult. Do you think it's more difficult to build friendships with people who you just disagree with on certain things? I'm not talking about values. I think you have to have shared values, right? But I'm a liberal, you're a conservative, right? Um, whatever, my viewpoint on religion. I'm a Christian, you're an agnostic or atheist or Jew. See, to me, my dad was my best friend. And he passed away a little while ago. And we had shared values, shared, obviously, shared experience. But we disagreed on these things. And it made it such a rich friendship.

• 24:02Ed Mylett?

  In other words, it wasn't an echo chamber for me, like most of my other friends. We mainly hang around people who go, you're right, you're right, yeah. And we sorta, I want a few of my friends. I think it's one of the richest things in life, yet I think culturally right now, are you red or blue, right? Are you, and I think even the friendships we have aren't as rich as they could be. It's not the full mosaic of life. I want that person who challenges my thinking. That's just me personally, right? Don't you feel like you ought to have at least a couple of friends in there where you're like, I love you, you crazy MF'er. You're out of your mind on Trump. You're out of your mind on Biden, like, whatever it is, or wherever you stand, like. And I really think this is a, this is a difficult place to go in friendships. But everybody evaluating this, does everyone just agree with you?

• 24:47Ed Mylett?

  Wouldn't it be cool to have someone, you love them, they're not bad because they disagree with you. They just have a different perspective, but you share a value system. What do you think about that?

• 24:57Dr. Marisa Franco?

  I think it really depends on the person. Um, you know, I can just share an experience that I had, for example, that I talk about in the book, that me and one of my friends were both black, white, biracial. And I grew up in New York, so I had never experienced racism before, at least not blatantly. He grew up in Germany, so he had, right? We got into our positions as professors. We both started to experience pretty blatant racism. And I, it really affected me. It really, really impacted me. I was not used to this. I did not have any resilience to it. It affected him a lot less. And so he was sort of able to stay in his position and get to the top of the station. He's now a tenured professor there, right?

• 25:39Dr. Marisa Franco?

  Um, because that was something, he could live in that difference. He could live in, in that, in those feelings of, of disconnection with people based on race, right? But I couldn't. And that's because we have different histories and different capacities. And so Ed, when you say it's really rich for me, right? Your experience is great and your capacity is great. And I totally think we need people that are working across these differences and bridging these divides. But for other people, their experience, when they talk to someone who has different values in them, their body reacts very differently, right? They have very different reactions. And there's this book called What Happened to You that talks about the ability to regulate as a privilege. It, it's a sign that you've had healthy relationships in the past, rather than, you know, really traumatic relationships, or you've had the opportunity to really work through that trauma.

• 26:24Dr. Marisa Franco?

  And if these people that are constantly getting triggered by people's differences of opinions, I think if we encourage them to stay in those relationships, what we might find is they're gonna form really gross relationships where they don't actually feel close to people. So I think it really depends on people's capacity. And you discerning for yourself, like, is this a positive experience for me? Is this an enriching experience for me? Or is it just too much for me right now in this moment? And I'm gonna make a decision that kind of reflects where my own capacity is at.

• 26:51Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, where we agree is on the values part. So that's why I phrased the question out of the way I did. That's why I asked it, because I don't think you should, I don't think anybody should, I don't even think there's probably any point in your life where surrounding yourself with people who have different value systems than you. But for me, for somebody who sees God differently than me, right? But believes in God, to me, that's not a difference of value system, that's a difference of opinion. And I think my life is enriched by, I don't think it has anything to do with my conditioning necessarily that I've had, I've had negative and positive relationships in my life. I'm not suggesting that people should have people in their lives that don't share their values. In fact, I think life's too short to have people around you who don't share your values. But I do wanna have people around me that stretch me, that cause me to think, that cause me to grow, that cause me to change,

• 27:33Ed Mylett?

  um, my perspective on those things. And the funny thing about that relationship that I had with my dad is, post his passing, I'm starting to agree with him more on things.

• 27:48Ed Mylett?

  And so his lack of proximity to me has caused me to really reflect. And sometimes that's healthy too. That when you do have somebody in your life and maybe there's been a lack of proximity, our appreciation and affection for them can grow in their absence. And if you have somebody in your life that you loved, that you were very close to, and you miss them, maybe today's show is a catalyst to get you to reach out to them and say, I miss you. I love you. Can we get together again? How are you? I think you'd be shocked at how great they'd feel to hear from you. And I only can tell you this because everybody listening, I wish I could do that with my dad. I could wish, I, I wish I could call him and go, give me that crazy stuff you told me about taxes again. Give me that stuff again. I could, I would love to hear that from my dad again.

• 28:30Ed Mylett?

  And I don't have the opportunity to. And so for those of you that are listening, that have had some precious human being in your life, that's maybe just become a little bit more distant from you, use today's show as a real catalyst, an excuse, if you need it, to reach out to them. So I was just listening to the show on friends and it made me think of you and reach out to them again. I hope that'd be a beautiful experience for all of you. What is one thing, Dr. Franco, I could do, or anybody could do to be a better friend? I mean, that's a pretty broad question, but what is something I could do that makes me a better friend?

• 29:01Dr. Marisa Franco?

  Here is my tip.

• 29:04Dr. Marisa Franco?

  Assume people like you. According to the research, when people are told to make this assumption, it makes them friendlier, warmer, more open, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. When we fear that others will reject us, we get closed up, we get withdrawn, we are engaged in our egocentric bias more, which is our tendency to think a lot more about how people impact us than how we impact them, right? And it's very hard to be a good friend when we constantly think people are rejecting us because we get into this self-protection mode that is antithetical to pro-relationship mode. If I'm in self-protection mode, I'm not initiating, I'm not vulnerable, I'm not expressing affection towards you.

• 29:45Dr. Marisa Franco?

  If I am in pro-relationship mode, I am vulnerable, I'm expressing affection, I am initiating with you. But in order to be in this pro-relationship mode, we need to feel safe enough, right? And part of the ways in which we feel safe, so we can facilitate all these positive behaviors that nurture friendship, is we assume that people like us and receive us positively, because then I'll reach out, then I'll express that affection, then I'll express that generosity towards you.

• 30:11Ed Mylett?

  Man, this is interesting. You're making me think a lot, about a lot of things. And that's why I do the show. I want people to be thinking. I want them to be challenged. I want them to learn things and have insights and take tools away that they can use. One of the things I'm grateful for today is so many tools you've shared already. But it makes me think about different aspects of my life and, and in people's lives. So how do you, I don't know if you've ever been asked this before, and I've never asked anybody this before. How do you nuance this need, desire for these relationships with?

• 30:46Ed Mylett?

  Self reliance and that nuance between giving my power to other people in terms of my own happiness. In other words, do I not have to find ways to be happy within myself? You made a great point of assume people like me. What about assume I like me? I love me. And how important is that to not predicate my self-worth on the affection of any other person? Even though I understand the value of having these friendships. I imagine that's a really interesting space to navigate, right? We want these friendships because they enrich our lives and they cause us to be happier and live longer. Yet at the same time, am I not a more valuable friend if I love myself in the absence of that?

• 31:31Ed Mylett?

  I think you know what I'm asking you.

• 31:33Dr. Marisa Franco?

  I do, Ed, and I think it's hard to separate these two things, right? Because the people that love themselves have been loved by other people and have internalized that. So it's become part of themselves. Um, there's a theory on self-esteem called the sociometric theory of self-esteem, which is that our self-esteem is a gauge for how other people feel about us that we've internalized even more so than it's a sense of, I feel positively about me. And so there is this sort of bidirectional relationship. I assume people like me. I like me. I continue to assume people like me. The problem that I think you're getting at, Ed, I wanted to address with research on something called self verification theory. And that's this theory that finds that we look for people that confirm our sense of ourselves.

• 32:16Dr. Marisa Franco?

  So people with low self-esteem prefer to interact with people that see them negatively than someone that sees them positively. Not because they don't want love, not because they don't want regard, but because when someone sees them positively, they don't believe it. They think it's manipulation because it doesn't match their felt sense of themselves. With the person that sees them negatively, they could actually receive that. It makes them feel like their reality is coherent, right? This person that loves them, it's they're triggering this identity crisis. You perceive me so positively, I don't see myself in that. It's like imposter syndrome that comes up, all of this baggage, right? And so that is the issue, I think, even though other people loving us is how we come to love ourselves. If we don't love ourselves and people love us, sometimes we just won't even notice.

• 33:01Ed Mylett?

  Man, that's good. You got me on that. I'm really thinking about that one. That's a, that's a really unique space to navigate. I asked some friends preparing to interview today. I said, how do you think you get more friends? And in the personal development space, the business space, I'm gonna tell you what the answer is, and I don't agree with it. Especially after reading some of your work, you're making me think. But the answer is, uh, bring them value. Bring them value. Law of reciprocity. Hey, I can do this for you. Hmm, you know, if I do this for you, you'll like me and then we'll become friends. And I feel like that's totally different than being authentic and vulnerable, which is what you recommend in the book.

• 33:43Ed Mylett?

  I feel like the deeper friendships that I have in my life weren't predicated on my bringing value necessarily, other than my love, other than my belief, my value, you know? I want everyone to hear this and I want you to answer because you're a lot better than me. Especially when you become a New York Times bestselling author now like you are, right? Or you have a couple bucks, or you're a person of influence, or you're well-known, or you're just one of the more successful people in your church or your community. I think people start thinking they have to do things to become your friend. And in my friendships, I don't, I don't try to earn friends that way, and nor do I want them to try to earn that with me. My value to is I love you. My value to you is I believe in you.

• 34:28Ed Mylett?

  My value to you is that hopefully I'm enjoyable company. Maybe I'm a good person you can bounce thoughts off of or advice or things like that, but it's not predicated. And I think this is a false belief most people carry with them right now. Predicated on what I can do for you. What could I do for you? People ask me, Ed, how can I become friends with you? And I think they think, well, I could do this for you. I watched a video on this on an influencer on social media today. The guy said, don't ask me what you can do for me, just do something for me and then you get a chance to be my friend. That's not a friendship. That's, that's bartering, right? That's bartering to some extent. So how does that work? I mean, I'm doing something because I love you and I believe you. To me, that's more valuable than I can connect you with someone or I know so and so. But don't you think some people feel that way?

• 35:13Ed Mylett?

  Like I've got to offer, I've got to offer you something so you're my friend. That's kind of a, I don't know, a goofy, dangerous space maybe to get friends that way.

• 35:23Dr. Marisa Franco?

  You know, I think it can work, but it's not authentic.

• 35:27Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 35:27Dr. Marisa Franco?

  And whatever we do that's inauthentic burns us out, right? Inauthenticity depletes our energy, like depletes our mental health, right? So it's not really sustainable. But what I suggest, Ed, and I think what I talk about in the book is that when we're secure with ourselves, when we feel most safe, we are naturally loving, like it comes out naturally, like we want to give to people. We want to be generous towards people. And so part of that unlocking authenticity, to me, I define authenticity as who you are when you feel safe, who you are when you're not hijacked by defense mechanisms. Then if you're able to get in touch with that, you're naturally going to display all of these behaviors that create connection.

• 36:09Ed Mylett?

  Is that what you mean by offering generosity in the book? That part of it, is that the definition of that to some extent?

• 36:16Dr. Marisa Franco?

  Which part of the definition?

• 36:17Ed Mylett?

  Well, the part of what I'm offering you is my natural love. It's not offering generosity, like here's money or here's my relationship or here's the keys to my Ferrari or whatever it might be, right? Yeah, because I think, I think sometimes that can be misconstrued with people where they think, yeah, I've got to offer somebody something in life. And the other thing too is relationships have dynamics. So if a relationship has started predicated among me doing things for you, that dynamic now exists until I stop doing things for you. And when I stop doing things for you, how authentic, to use your words, is the relationship? Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way.

• 36:59Ed Mylett?

  So you know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing like on repeat all the time? That sweater that kind of just goes with everything or these perfect pair of pants? Those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy and that's what Quince does best. Quince focuses on high quality wardrobe staples with premium materials, like a hundred percent Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton. The styles are timeless, versatile and designed to become the dependable pieces you reach for every day. It's what I'm wearing right now. They give you the softness and quality you'd expect from a luxury brand without the price tag. Quince also makes premium pants, fitted tees and polos and breathable activewear. Quality basics designed to work with your wardrobe and hold up to everyday wear. I love their cotton tees. I'm wearing one now and I get a ton of compliments when I wear them on the podcast and when I speak. So find your next fall favorites at Quince.

• 37:44Ed Mylett?

  Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com/ed for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q U I N C E dot com slash ed. So you know, I've been trying to take my health and my morning routine to the next level. And I used to do a whole bunch of different stuff, tons of different supplements. And then I found all in one in a drink with IM8. IM8 is the way to simplify your supplement routine, finally, once and for all. 16 supplements replaced 90 ingredients across nine major organ systems in one drink. You can have all these supplements for $2.61 a day. I've changed my mornings. The whole IM8 routine has changed my mornings.

• 38:27Ed Mylett?

  I feel great and I bring energy to the entire day. Go to IM8health.com/ed10 right now, or click the link in the description and use code ED10 for a free welcome kit. Five free travel sachets plus 10% off your order. That's code ED10 at IM8health.com/ed10. Code ED10 at IM8health.com/ed10. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, prevent any disease. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So y'all wait for this, once a month I get to spend my podcast with my great friend and your mentor, Brendan Burchard. He's back on the show today, guys.

• 39:10Ed Mylett?

  We have an unbelievable podcast ready for you. Brendan is the top guy in the world that mentors all the other influencers in personal development and business, entrepreneurship, motivation, inspiration. He's the guy that mentors the mentors. He just is, and he's one of my dearest and best friends. I wish you could be privy to the conversations we had just before we came online here today, because they're some of the most enriching ones in my life. He just feeds my soul and my spirit and my mind, and that's going to happen on today's show. So Brendon Burchard, welcome back, brother.

• 39:41Brendon Burchard?

  Thanks, brother. This is such an honor to be with you and every time we do this, I get fired up. So let's hit it.

• 39:46Ed Mylett?

  What is something that you could do today, right now? Keeping these promises you made to yourself to build the bridge. I really believe those you that, whatever your faith is, but the Bible talks about the body being our temple. But whatever you believe about your faith, just want to say one thing to you. I think more change starts with your body and your physicality than you might realize. And I don't care if you're ripped and fit right now, or maybe you put a couple pounds on. Here's what I mean by that. Fitness, nutrition, hydration, let's take those three things. Those are areas where you can keep promises to yourself. And so that's why I started with this fast thing that I broke. Now I'm going to get back on it again. And by the way, it's okay if you fall down, you got to get back up, acknowledge the mistake. I could have made a bunch of excuses to you about why, and I worked out too hard yesterday.

• 40:31Ed Mylett?

  So I was starving and my body was craving protein. I had a banana to get any protein, right? So there's no excuses. But see, the time that you get up in the morning, the amount of working out you do, if you go in and do the reps or the time on the treadmill that you say you're going to do, you are starting to stack keeping the promises you make to yourself. If you're going to drink a gallon of water every day and you drink it, you're, so some of you are familiar with my work and Brendan's work. You go, I already know that already. Are you doing it? What's another promise you could keep to yourself? So for me, it's, it's exactly that. I start to build this machine called me by keeping the physical promises I make to myself. One, because it changes your physiology, but two, it is an area you are in control of. You can't control much money you're going to make this month or how many clients you're going to get,

• 41:16Ed Mylett?

  or what third party outside of you people are going to do. So start with promises that are inside that you can keep, okay? The second area where I begin to keep promises to myself is in my faith walk, in my internal life. So for example, I pray in the morning. You'd be surprised that there's a power to the prayer, but there's a power to doing the prayer because I said I was going to do it. There's a power to getting on my knees every night and praying. There's a power to when I walk out, I'm blessed, I live on the ocean. But when I was in my apartment, I had a little water fountain that cost me 50 bucks at a swap meet. I like to meditate around water moving. When I would do that, there was a power to emptying my mind in meditating, or there's a power to be connecting with God in prayer.

• 42:00Ed Mylett?

  But the other power is, I said I was going to do it and I did it. Let me tell you what that does. It tells you, you're in charge. You're in control. You have some domain and influence over your life. Now, all of my faith, no God's in charge. You know what I mean when I say that? Don't get it twisted. There's a ying and a yang. The parable of the soul in the Bible. You've got to plant seeds, he provides the harvest. Yes, the world will take some with the rain and the wind and the birds and all that. But you have to plant seeds in your life. And when you begin planting these seeds of the promises you keep to yourself, the harvest is more self-confidence. The harvest is a performance edge that other people don't get. Oh, she's got some swagger about her right now. She's got a different look in her eye.

• 42:43Ed Mylett?

  That eye of the tiger, that she's got a little smirk, like she almost knows something I don't know. You ever meet those people? They seem to know something I don't know. You know what they know? They can trust them and you don't. And when they know they can trust them, they have a different energy about them. And by the way, you can't transfer to somebody that which you're not experiencing yourself. Why does that matter? If you don't trust you and believe in you, nobody else is going to. Nobody else is going to, because you can't give them that trust and belief in you that you don't possess. Too many people, Brendan, are waiting around for someone else to validate them. Go, hey, you have my permission to succeed now. You matter, you're a boss.

• 43:27Ed Mylett?

  Well, so and so doesn't believe in me. Is it that they don't believe in you? Or is it that you don't believe in yourself to the extent yet? Cause you're not keeping these promises if we're being honest as friends. And because you don't have that, you're not transferring that belief to them where they can give it back to you. Does that make sense?

• 43:44Brendon Burchard?

  That's so good. Yeah, when your spirit is really alive in you, because you're doing prayer, you're having that moment of faith. And when, when that's there, you do have a different level of confidence in life. You, you really do, because you can trust yourself and you can trust something beyond yourself. Now you've got the double edged sword, right? Trust in self, I was congruent. Trust in faith, something bigger has got me. Now you have a two sided trust. You're stronger and people feel that from you. They're like, oh, he seems solid. He seems solid. And what I want people to have is that solidity in their week,

• 44:27Brendon Burchard?

  where there's a strength, there's a centeredness, there's a groundedness. Because performance edge, we always think it's like super high. But it's not about this hype. It's more about being grounded, being strong. And I also want to share for those who maybe you're listening to podcasts, I'd love for you to go to YouTube and watch the riff Ed just did. Because I'm going to give you one more tip on this performance edge, getting it back. People who are able to maintain their drive over a period of time, they do what Ed just did. It's called leadership communication. They speak like leaders. They step in and embody a role model mindset.

• 45:11Brendon Burchard?

  They're like, oh, I'm aware people have influence. I'm aware that I have the ability to influence energy. So Ed just took the whole thing and ramped it up. Well, guess what? The rest of the day, because he had leadership communication coming out of his mouth, he'll literally be more expressive, more driven, more focused. And I tell people all the time, I'm like, hey, you know why you lost the drive? You're too quiet.

• 45:40Brendon Burchard?

  You lost the drive, you're too quiet. Our expression, our voice gives us superpower. We're human beings with human stories. When we actually start sharing and when we understand we can impact people. Cause who's the most driven people you ever met? They're always leaders.

• 45:59Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 45:59Brendon Burchard?

  They love the role of being a leader. They love the role of having purposeful influence with other people. And when you lead, you maintain a different kind of edge because you don't play the victim card.

• 46:13Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 46:14Brendon Burchard?

  You lead, you have a different kind of edge because you have responsibility that you took upon. You're carrying the mantle that you chose to carry. You're carrying the torch that matters to you. And you realize that you can help other people, you can serve other people, you can enlist other people, enroll other people, build other people. And soon as there's other people in, in this mix now, as you lead them, as self-expression comes back into your life, like genuine self-expression for a cause, for a mission. I know when someone's lost their edge, they're less evangelical for whatever their cause is. Yeah, I know evangelism means something specific, maybe in the Christian faith,

• 46:58Brendon Burchard?

  but I'm using it as a sort of a non-denominational, if you will. It's like, when you aren't passionately sharing your cause, your mission, your dream. Like business owners all the time, I can tell when they lost their edge. They'll sit there at lunch the whole time, yeah, I kind of do this. And they're trying to be cool now. They're trying to be like, they're trying to be the, the cool person. They're trying to be the subtle person. And it's like, no, no, no. You lose the edge of your business if you don't talk about it, if you don't hype it. If you aren't hyping your business, promoting your business, talking about it with fire, no wonder you lost the fire. You've got to be a fire breathing dragon once in a while about something important in your life.

• 47:41Brendon Burchard?

  If you want to be someone who has that drive and maintains it. Expression is power. And if you don't express, then what happens is, guess what? You tone down. As you tone down, as you placate, as you go silent, your soul goes, I wasn't born to be a silent soul. You were given a voice, you were given expression. And expression gives you the drive back. Just like you saw, if those who'll watch it, Ed lift, I mean, he almost jumped right out of that chair. And lifts himself up like that, I guarantee the rest of his day is more driven. It's why I tell people, if you read the Bible, read it out loud in the morning. If you have a favorite verse, or you have a favorite poem, or you have a favorite quote from a book,

• 48:25Brendon Burchard?

  verbalize, express stronger, express more powerful. That's why when you see a great speaker come off stage, they're like glowing. I mean, they're like, they're driven.

• 48:38Ed Mylett?

  Yep, you're right. By the way, I got, everybody, he's so right about this. I, there's this, they're cousins, this idea of selling yourself the dream. Can I just give you all to add to what Brendan was saying? Like, this is going to be very simply put, but I say this to you, if like, if you and I were riding in the car together right now, you listening to this or watching this on YouTube. Can I just say this to you? This is going to sound basic, but no one said this to you in a long time, and I believe this to be true. You know, you get your edge back? You've got to want it. Listen to me really close. The people that win, they want it more. They want it more, they're hungrier, they're starving to make it done. And to Brendan's point, the longer you do something, you get a little bit fed. Maybe you're not literally starving.

• 49:21Ed Mylett?

  When you started your business, you were literally starving. And that gave you an edge. And the more you get well fed and you got a steak once in a while and a nice bottle of wine, it's just as like this slow asphyxiation to where you just don't want it like you once did. So if you want to get your edge back, you've got to sell yourself the dream. You've got to start keeping these dad gum promises and you've got to want it again. This next year, I promise you, it's going to come down to who wants it the most. And that may sound like rah rah to you, and it is not. I'm just telling you, hungry people, man. And you could be, and like I said earlier, maybe you're an entrepreneur listening to this. Maybe you're a stay at home mom, maybe you're retired, maybe you're 15. Maybe you're a teacher.

• 50:06Ed Mylett?

  Listen to me, how bad do you want it? And you've got to get clear on what it is you want to want it bad enough. And this thing I said earlier about your body, don't discount this. Listen, you make a statement when you walk in a room, if you are physically fit, that says this person should be listened to. This person is disciplined. And when you walk in a room and you're not, that also makes a statement. Now let me be very clear, listen to me as a friend. You don't have to be muscular or fit or jacked, okay? None of that. I think it wouldn't hurt if you were, but it doesn't matter. Here's what does matter. The people see you're changing. So if you are out of shape right now, and over the next 90 days,

• 50:48Ed Mylett?

  you're just a little bit more fit, you're a little, you've got a little more coloring in your skin. You're a little bit more energized. If people see you changing, making progress, that's infectious, that's magnetic. It doesn't need to be the final product of you look like a fitness model on a cover. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, you make a statement with your body. Wow, his body, since I've known Brendan, he's worked, he's lifting more weights, he's more fit. Right before we went on, we were talking about back exercises he does for his lower back, because my lower back's bothering me. Progress is magnetic. And so actually, the fact that you're not in great shape right now could work to your advantage. Cause every time somebody sees you these next 12 months, like, what are you doing? That's incredible. Look at the change you're making.

• 51:33Ed Mylett?

  And when you change your body and improve your body, it sends a statement to you that you can change anything. That was a great conversation. And if you want to hear the full interview, be sure to follow the Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So as you know, every single month, we get to spend time with the great Brendan Burchard. And today is that day of the month for all of you. And it's one of the most downloaded episodes we do all year are the monthly episodes with this man. And this week, I'm so excited. By the way, he is the founder of the greatest personal development app of all time called Growth Day. If you go to growthday.com/ed, you can get all the information you need to change your life right there and do it affordably.

• 52:18Ed Mylett?

  And today, you get to spend some time with both of us for free, which is awesome. And so today, we're going to talk about, by the way, welcome to the show, first of all, my brother. It's great to have you back as you spend time with us here every month. I'm more and more grateful every time we do it.

• 52:31Brendon Burchard?

  It's an honor and, and man, this time of year to be together, it's so inspiring. It fires me up, so thank you.

• 52:38Ed Mylett?

  You hit the word I was going to cover, which is momentum. I think there's two types of people listening today. There's people that are really struggling with their self-confidence. They're in a static position, meaning they have consistently broken the promises they make to themselves. As you've described, like self-confidence at its root, we've talked about this before, is really just the habit of keeping the promises that you make to yourself. And when you continually make the promises and keep the promises that you make with yourself, you end up building self-integrity. You begin to trust yourself, self-confidence is self-trust. And so You build this reputation with yourself where when I say I'm gonna do something, I do it. And so that's what self-confidence is. So there's that group that's just, they're really struggling with it. And I'm gonna give you some hacks in a second that I've been doing.

• 53:20Ed Mylett?

  And then there's the other group, it's like, no, I'm a relatively self-confident person, but I wanna take it exponentially higher. In your case, these that are, those of you that are in this place where you think you're relatively self-confident, you gotta take some big ambitious goals and you do need to be accountable to someone you admire and respect, because you're about to go into the unknown. You're about to try to take your body fat from, I'm in pretty good shape, to you're going to 12% shredded. You need to be accounting to somebody who you admire, right? Or your net worth's gonna go up. So accountability is correlated to confidence in the sense, once you've gotten going, outside accountability. What I've done in my life, brother, is if self-confidence really is the process of keeping promises you make to yourself,

• 54:04Ed Mylett?

  step one is you have to generate momentum, which is the word that Brendan just used. You have to generate, you've gotta change the vibrational frequency. You've gotta generate a little bit of momentum. And so, believe it or not, it's keeping small promises that matter initially. So I'm gonna give you all an example from my own life. I'm not gonna get into what the health issues I've had this year, but a lot of you know what they are. They've been significant and they've been both, you know, you know, heart-related and also back-related. We'll just call those two of the five different things I've dealt with. And it has impacted my ability to train, to lift, to work out. And from someone who's lifted a lot of weights, I've been a very physical guy, to be reduced for a while to not being able to do that harmed my self-confidence.

• 54:49Ed Mylett?

  So it became this spiral for me. Not only am I not doing what I'm used to doing, but now I don't look like I used to look and I don't feel like I used to feel. And so the confidence, the lack of confidence and self-worth stuff starts going the other direction. And so, when I restarted my journey to fitness again, let me tell you what the two big commitments I made every single day were initially that I had to keep. Everybody's gonna think, this is crazy, right? Mr. Max out and these are your two things? Yeah, these are the two things, because I could keep them and I could keep myself accountable for them and it generated many momentum. I've set up two things I knew I would and could do. You're like, that seems artificial. It wasn't. It gave me momentum. So here's what the two of them are, okay?

• 55:33Ed Mylett?

  And I've been doing it now for a while and now it's grown into much more than that. The two things that I started out the year with is, I am going to drink a half a liter of water before I get up out of my bed. It sits right next to my bed. It's in the bottle right next to me. I drink it. I have not had my feet hit the ground. I've kept the first promise to myself. You're gonna think I'm crazy, everyone. Here's step two. I have to walk into the bathroom and weigh myself. And I get on the scale, I weigh myself and my scale has body fat and bone density and all this other stuff. And I take my calibrations and I take them. I have now been awake for approximately a minute and a half and I have kept two promises I've made to myself.

• 56:18Ed Mylett?

  And they're fitness-related. And now I've got a little bit of juice and a little amount. Then it added the third day, because of the way I'm being, not able to move right now. I'm like, what I'm gonna do the third day? I said, I'm gonna add step three, I'm doing a plank for a minute. Cause it's flat back, doesn't hurt my back. I get right on the floor after I weigh myself and I do it. Now, I've kept three promises. Now, here we are many weeks later. I am now actively back doing things in the gym, testing my body, what I can and can't do. And the biggest thing that changed is, I'm starting to feel kinda sexy and jacked again. So guess what? Now my nutrition's changing. I don't wanna eat bad. I've got my protein drink and my greens and my water and my blah, blah, blah and my alkaline and stuff. And all of a sudden, I remember this guy.

• 57:02Ed Mylett?

  I remember this guy. This dude's disciplined. This dude's a badass. This dude's strong. This dude keeps promises he makes to himself. And I'm gonna tell you everybody something, I'll turn it back over to Brendan. That silliness of a guy who's lifted weights for 35 years, and by the way, I was probably one of the most fit people in the world at 30, 40 and 50 years old, to go all the way back to drink your water, weigh yourself and do a plank, right? I went all the way back to that. It's affected every area. My speaking on stage has been better. My podcasts have been better. My self-confidence is better. My energy level's better. And now it's like, I remember this frequency. And so, this stuff can transform everything. Now, I'm saying it on the podcast. Why?

• 57:45Ed Mylett?

  I'm gonna be accountable outside of me now to all of you that you can kinda go on this journey with me this year as you kinda watch show by show, me kinda transform back into the person that I was before and I think a healthier, fitter version. Are there limitations? My back, my heart? Yeah, but that doesn't mean I can't become the best version with what I've got right now. So I'm shifting now from internal accountability to external accountability. So that's, I believe, part of the process. And for you, Brendan, what's it look like for you? Like, you're worth millions and millions of dollars. You have the best growth app in the world. You're one of the highest-paid speakers in the world. You're the influencer to all the influencers. You got a world-class marriage.

• 58:29Ed Mylett?

  Like, are you still fighting for millimeters on your own confidence? And do you struggle with it, like if you're trying something new or launching a new this or that?

• 58:39Brendon Burchard?

  Yeah, man. I'm from Montana, as you know. I'm a really simple guy. And I think you just gave people a huge unlock. And I'll describe it in a different way. But I think you need two things, basic things for some confidence, like two basic things. You need a plan. And that's what you have. You have a plan. I'm gonna get that water. I'm gonna get that weight. I'm gonna get that plank. Okay, I got a plan. And then, you need honesty. Because confidence is built on not just what you do. Do I follow through on my plan?

• 59:21Brendon Burchard?

  Like, that's the stuff of integrity for following through on a plan. The stuff of self-discipline that gives me confidence. But the guts to have honesty about it. To be, to be honest, I said I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna follow through on that promise, as you said. And I just know, I'm always gonna feel more confident if I'm honest with who is showing up each day and I want it to be my best. And I know I'm gonna be more confident if I have some kind of a plan that I can follow, that I can do. The less, you know, structure that I have, the more it's easy for my self-doubt to come in. Sometimes, a lot of people, to get more confidence and momentum, they really just need that plan. And it can be so simple, which is why I love your example.

• 1:00:06Brendon Burchard?

  Like, just getting momentum. I'll also say that you shared something that's really important about the concept of power in life. Power, in terms of like the second law, power means mass times velocity. Velocity is the key. Like, getting those quick wins in the morning, quick velocity of momentum is so important. So many people wait until it's, you know, 2, 3, 4, 5 in the afternoon to do anything. And I always teach our ultra group and our ultra members, I teach them this concept called done by one.

• 1:00:47Brendon Burchard?

  By 1:00 PM in the afternoon, so by 1:00 PM your local time, we have done the major, most important priorities of the day. Right? Whatever, if your job is to deliver a presentation, to create something new, to shoot your video, to have that sales meeting, to whatever the most important activities of the day are, are controllable by you, do them by 1:00 PM. Just get them out of the way in the morning. That morning momentum will give you uncommon energy and confidence for the rest of the day. For a lot of people, myself included, confidence is a feeling throughout the day.

• 1:01:28Brendon Burchard?

  And if I can get that velocity in the morning of decision-making, of follow-through, of discipline, but most importantly, doing the things that matter most by one, done by one. If I'm done by one, it doesn't mean I don't work the rest of the afternoon following up on stuff, doing things, taking those meetings, those calls, doing the DMs. I still gotta do dumb paperwork and stuff, just like everybody else. But the major needle-moving activities of my day are done by one. And so, I feel great heading in the afternoon, cause I follow through on the most important priorities. A lot of confidence is internally saying, can I do the things that matter most in life?

• 1:02:11Brendon Burchard?

  Can I do the things that matter most in life? A lot of people never done that, but as you've coached with people, you realize, well, if they'll do what really matters, they get confidence. I know people who are very busy, but they do dumb stuff and they never find confidence, cause they've never honestly, I know this might sound too productivity Brendan here, but if you never got good at prioritization, you'll never feel full confidence.

• 1:02:42Ed Mylett?

  You know, you're right. Most people don't do needle-moving things because they're afraid of them. And I really believe, early in the day, you should do feared things first, not just first things first, because those are the things that probably move the needle. It's the call you don't wanna make. It's the meeting you don't wanna take. It's a thing you don't wanna do. Before we start the interview with my next guest, just wanna remind you all that you can subscribe to the show on YouTube or follow the show on Apple or Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show.

• 1:03:13Speaker 01

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• 1:04:09Ed Mylett?

  So in life, just remember this, you're not going to get your goals most of the time. You're going to get your standards. Long term, we always get our standards. So what's your standard? The principle of the book is really simple. If you lack self-confidence, we've already covered this. Here's why. You have a terrible reputation with yourself. You have a reputation with yourself that you don't keep the promises you make. So if you want to become baseline functioning, great. Keep the promises you make to yourself. You want to become superhuman, though. That's not the standard. The standard is I do what I say I'm going to do and I do one more. That's a different standard. I'm going to, I'm going to make 10 contacts today for deals. No, I do that and one more. I'm going to do 10 reps on the bench. Nope, I do that and one more. I'm going to tell my daughter I love her today. No, I'm going to do that plus one more.

• 1:04:53Ed Mylett?

  You start stacking up the one more's of your life. Not only mathematically are you better, experience are you better? But you shift your matrix, you shift your identity into believing you deserve to get stuff you didn't get, get before, or that other people get because you're doing stuff other people aren't willing to do.

• 1:05:10Speaker 07

  So yeah, I kind of want to jump in on this because I'm a big believer in kind of what you're talking about here. Cause this is something for me over the last year or two, I've had a lot of changes where, I mean, if I could go talk to myself a year ago, I, I don't think I could ever believe that my current reality is my reality. And so by doing that, I've sort of unlocked like what I know I can be, you know? For me now, setting monetary goals or financial goals or real estate goals aren't really that crazy because I've done way more than I ever thought I could in the last year. So I see a lot of people struggling with this. You know, a lot of my friends that are kind of still working their nine to five jobs. And for me, it's so obvious of like how they can achieve financial freedom.

• 1:05:56Speaker 07

  It's so obvious how they could become a millionaire if they wanted to do that. If that's their goal, it's so obvious how they could quit their nine to five by starting a business, but they can't see that. So when we talk about kind of this, uh, this version of us that, you know, we have a bad reputation with ourselves. It kind of sounds like when you're saying one more, should we really be kind of setting like small goals for ourself? In hitting those and incrementally getting there versus kind of just pie in the sky?

• 1:06:21Ed Mylett?

  Yes, you're brilliant. Yep. I talked about it in the book and the power of one more. Here's the thing, I'm 51 years old. I've been blessed and I'm worth a pretty good chunk of change. I still set my clothes out the night before for the next day. Why do I do something like that? I could have someone do it for me. I also have the time in the morning because it's a commitment I can keep. It seems super small. I make my bed every day. I get up at the time of day, I say I'm going to get up. I drink a gallon of water a day. I'm holding it right here in my hand. Why? I can control how much water I put down my pie hole. Right? I can't control whether you say yes to my deal. I can't control interest rates. I can't control the market. So I want to control the things that I can. And I start with very small manageable things like when I'm going to train, like when I'm going to work out,

• 1:07:03Ed Mylett?

  like how many contacts I'm going to make, like how many friends I'm going to reach out to in a given day. People say, that's BS. Really? Well, I'm where I am and you're where you are, and I want you where I am. And I'm telling you exactly how I did it. I'm one of the very, if I can just say, I'm one of the very rare people in entrepreneurship, in real estate or personal development, who's actually done it. None of my stuff's theory. I don't make money selling you on how to do things I think might work. I've made my money doing these things. And so I know that that's what works. What do you work on with the top athletes or entertainers, Ed? Or politicians, when you work with them? Their self-confidence, their habits. I have a whole chapter on how to actually build a habit. How do you do that? These are the things I work on with the top people.

• 1:07:46Ed Mylett?

  There are the things I worked on when I was the child of an alcoholic boy who had to go to school every day and figure out how not to run out of school. It's the same single things every single day. It's the small things. Once you build this reputation with yourself at the small things, you can then point your mind like a weapon at the big things and actually have belief you can do them because you have this reputation and pattern with yourself of doing the little things. Your mind, by the way, cannot distinguish between the big ones and the little ones. It doesn't. It doesn't know the difference. Only you know the difference. And so if you've got this pattern, it's a weapon when you point it at the big ones.

• 1:08:23Speaker 07

  So would you say it's almost about setting small commitments versus setting goals? Or do you think they kind of go hand in hand?

• 1:08:30Ed Mylett?

  I write the goal chapter and the standards chapter together. Here's what has to happen. Your goals have to be in alignment with your standards. And so for example, it's not really a goal of mine to set out my clothes every day. It's a standard. It's not a goal of mine to work out every single day. It's a standard. It's become who I am. Okay? And that's different. A goal is something that's external to me. And I want you to have goals. I have a whole chapter on how to set up goals correctly. But the truth is you're going to get the standard. The standard is, you know what? I train every day. The standard is I drink a gallon of water. The standard is I live by a certain set of principles and values. Those are my standards. You're always going to get those long-term, always, always, always. And let me say one thing to you.

• 1:09:14Ed Mylett?

  My dad's decision to get sober, this is not in the book, but I just want to give it to you guys on your show. Cause I've never, I've said this only one other time. I want everyone to hear me. They go, yeah, that's great for A-Rod or that's great for Michael Chandler. That's great for David and Rob. But like, uh, look, man, I got a job. I'm trying to do my first deal and I don't have any confidence. I'm not even sure I know completely what I'm doing. Right? So this doesn't apply to me. Actually it does. Let me tell you guys something. The things you're most embarrassed by, most ashamed of, that you think are the most insignificant things about you, are actually the reason you're going to change the world or change your world. My dad's decision to get sober changed our entire family tree forever. He tried, I have a chapter called one more try. My dad tried to get sober about a hundred times.

• 1:09:59Ed Mylett?

  He gave it one more try. And then when he got sober, I said, dad, you're going to stay sober the rest of your life? He goes, I don't know, but I know I'm going to stay sober for one more day. And when I thought about quitting many times, I went, you know what? I'm just not going to quit for one more day. Stay with me on this. Two weeks ago, I wake up crying, which is not a manly thing to admit on the bigger pockets podcast, right? And I woke up my wife, 3:15, I said, babe, wake up. She says, what is wrong? I said, honey, someone helped my dad.

• 1:10:29Ed Mylett?

  She said, what? I said, I never thought about it. Someone helped my dad get sober. And she went, oh my God. And I said, isn't that amazing? This person doesn't even know it, but they changed the world. I reached millions of people in my dad's darkest moment in some coffee shop or place somewhere. They helped my father in the worst moment of his life. And I said, babe, here's the nuts part of it. You know what qualified them to help him? They were all screwed up. They were a drug addict and an alcoholic. The things they were most ashamed of, most embarrassed by, the worst moments of their life, were the very things that qualified that human being to help my father as a human being in the darkest moments of his life. And it made me so emotional. There's someone running around this world if they're still alive, that has changed my great, great grandkids' lives

• 1:11:13Ed Mylett?

  and millions of people I reach every week because they were a drug addict or an alcoholic and they were all screwed up. And so this very thing that you think disqualifies you, you, your experience, your little whatever that you're embarrassed by, is the very thing that qualifies you to do something great with your life.

• 1:11:31Speaker 07

  Oh, that's, that's a, I mean, it's amazing thought. And it sort of also ties to, not every reward we get in life is going to be financial. That's just another thing to think about. So that person that helped your father, odds are they didn't receive a whole bunch of money from that. But who knows what rewards they have coming in the next life and how impactful that was in, in other people's life.

• 1:11:52Ed Mylett?

  Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. Hey, it's Ed Mylett and I wanted to take the time today to talk about one of the invisible traits that I see all super achievers have. And so let me first start by saying, I'm a big believer in planning and strategy. I think somebody with a great plan has a better chance of winning than somebody who doesn't have a game plan or a focus and who hasn't begin with the end in mind, you know, from Think and Grow Rich. I believe in all of that. Having said that, one of the invisible things that I see with the top athletes I coach, entertainers, hopefully myself, business people for sure, is this.

• 1:12:36Ed Mylett?

  They have the ability to take immediate, massive action. And the people that I see that are behind them hesitate, they flinch. They think they need to plan a little bit more, strategize a little bit more. They procrastinate, they get around to doing something. One of the muscles I built, anybody on my team will tell you, is I'm like, let's just do it now. Let's do it right now. There's a power to now. And I think a lot of people don't understand the vibrational frequency of now. Oftentimes a really great plan that's delayed in its execution.

• 1:13:07Ed Mylett?

  That vibrates at a lower frequency than someone says, let's do it right now. Let's attack it right now. Let's get after it right now. So I want you to write this down this morning, the power of now, the power of taking immediate massive action. Oftentimes, timing matters in business, rhythm matters in business. It's not always the perfect plan. It's when, and almost always now is better than later. And it's a, it's a sign, it's a trait that I see in mega achievers. For example, if there's a phone call that you need to make, make it now. If there's a contact that needs to be done, make it now. If there's an email that needs to be written, do it now. Don't delay, don't wait. There's a moment of inspiration that happens too, when an idea affects you and hits you to take action on it immediately.

• 1:13:50Ed Mylett?

  You ever have maybe a thought of a speech or a text you want to write or a business concept, or a way you'd phrase something differently, or just an overall thing you should be doing hits you in a moment? And then you go, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to write this down. And you write it down, the idea exactly as you felt it. And then you revisit it, you know, three days later, or two days later, or six hours later. Doesn't it vibrate at a lower frequency? Isn't it less impactful even to you when you read it as opposed to when you had it in the moment? There's something about the moment that vibrates at a high frequency that is more powerful than later. And oftentimes, we wait and delay and write it down and it loses its power. There was a power in the moment.

• 1:14:35Ed Mylett?

  Remember when I met Wayne Dyer? He told me, Ed, do you ever wake up at two, three o'clock in the morning with a powerful idea? Just something that hits you like an inspiration? And you know, we've all had that happen. And I said, I do. And he goes, what do you normally do? I said, well, usually I go, I'm going to try to remember and I'm going back to sleep. He goes, don't do that. That's the divine awakening you. Write it down, take action on it. I go two, three o'clock in the morning. He goes, yes, I keep a notepad next to my bed. And I write these ideas down immediately. And if I can take action on them, I'll do it at two, three o'clock in the morning. If it's call so and so, text so and so, write this. He goes, I'll get up and do it. If it's a chapter in my book, I won't, I will get up and write the chapter. Because there's a power and a vibrational frequency in the moment. That's not just true with content or writing or creating.

• 1:15:20Ed Mylett?

  I've found it's true with almost everything in life. One of my superpowers, I can candidly tell you, is my ability to take immediate massive action when an idea hits me. I don't wait for the perfect moment. Usually the perfect moment is now. The right time to tell somebody that you love, that you love them, when you feel it is right now. Is right now. The right time to make that contact, right now. The right time to fix that issue with your friend that you're going through right now, where it just doesn't feel right, or there's some strife. Right now. The challenge with your spouse, walk in. Can we, can we fix this right now, please? Now, I know there are some things that are better in life, sitting for a while and diminishing, even if it's like a disagreement. But those things are more rare than they are common.

• 1:16:04Ed Mylett?

  The vast majority of things are better when we take immediate massive action. So I want to challenge you today. That call you need to make, make it now. That email you need to send, send it now. That chapter you need to write, that copy, that funnel, do it now. You can always adjust and course correct it later and improve upon it. But if you can get it done now, you can come back later when you were gonna do it and tweak it a little bit with some perspective. But there's nothing like the moment. There's nothing like calling the shot in the moment. And I have to tell you something, this is a common trait. Why? Because these people have more confidence. The reason you're delaying writing that email, doing the chapter, making the contact, fixing the problem,

• 1:16:48Ed Mylett?

  sending out the, the blog post, is you're afraid. And you think if you wait longer, you'll be less afraid. If you get a little bit more preparation, you'll be more ready. The truth is, that's almost never the case. There are some situations where that's true. But by and large, most of the time, people will tell me, hey, you know, so and so called with this. I go, get them on the phone right now. Right? Get them on the phone right now. Let's do it right now. If, just right now, this, what I'm doing. I needed to make some content for the week. My team's like, are you available at 12:30? But when I go, hey, I'm available right now. And it was my team who said, we gotta wait a half hour. Well, I'm like, let's go, let's go, let's go. I love knocking things off the list because that creates momentum. Why? I have confidence. And the more you do this, ironically, you will develop confidence in yourself to be able to attack things in the moment.

• 1:17:34Ed Mylett?

  To, I, sometimes I say annihilate the problem, fix something in the moment. What you think is you need more information. Successful people are good planners, but let me tell you what they have. They have a lower threshold of what they think to know, or how prepared they think they need to be in order to take action. And people that don't win quite at a high level, as high as they could, have a higher threshold requirement in their mind, and it's a fallacy, of how much preparation and what they need. Now, by the way, you all watch my podcast. I'm a freak about preparation for my podcast. I, I prepare and I prepare and I prepare. Having said that, at some point, I gotta shoot the podcast. At some point, I gotta, I'll give you an example. I was booking guests yesterday.

• 1:18:19Ed Mylett?

  I'm like, you know what I should do? I should contact Deion Sanders and see if he wants to be on the show. You know what I should probably do? I should probably reach out to Roger Goodell from the NFL and see if he wants to be on the show. And then I went, well, what's going to be different tomorrow or in three hours? How about I just do it right now? And so I did. And not only did I do it in that moment, but now, once that's gone, I can do more things in this moment that I was going to be waiting around to do the other thing. Does that make sense? So this is an efficiency, this is a rhythm. What I've found is, almost more than anything, there's a rhythm to success. There's a rhythm. And when someone gets in that mode of, they've got momentum, they got their mojo going, you've all had it.

• 1:19:01Ed Mylett?

  There's a rhythm and a cadence that gets them going. And if you wait and delay on things, it's impossible to get into that rhythm. But now, now, now, now, now, all of a sudden, you're in that rhythm of success where you're in flow because you're constantly moving. It's almost like a river that should constantly be flowing and running instead of stagnant water. Stagnant water starts to get murky. It starts to smell. It can actually form fungus and mold. And a lot of people's lives in some strange way are kind of like still water. It's not healthy, gathers all this stuff. But a stream that's running all the time is beautiful.

• 1:19:44Ed Mylett?

  And that stream, just by its pure force of running all the time in the now, creates beautiful things around it and actually opens up the flow of other things in their life because it's constantly flowing in the now. There's a power to now, there's a power to this moment that once it's gone, is gone forever. So what I'm saying to you today is take advantage of the present moment. Not just being focused in the present, but acting in the present. It's one thing to be, I'm present with you. It's another thing to take an action in the moment. The most powerful time to do almost anything in your life, right now. So I want to challenge you to do that today.

• 1:20:24Ed Mylett?

  It's a huge success principle of mega achievers and quite frankly, happy people as well. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So the topic of today's podcast, we're going to call Flip the Lens. And I've been waiting a while to put this on the podcast because I've been writing about it. It'll be in my next book. But now I feel like I'm able to articulate the concept. And so I wanted to put it out to all of you in an effort to maybe help you with your personal and your business relationships. I think it's sort of, at least for me, it's been groundbreaking, understanding and work.

• 1:21:06Ed Mylett?

  And so first, let me tell you how I stumbled upon this level of understanding and this work, the concept. First, I think it'll make sense for you. And then we'll break it out and sort of extrapolate it into our personal and business relationships. So maybe about a year ago, I was at my mom's house, I was visiting. And just for a quick second, I was gonna make an Instagram post. So I went to take a selfie picture and I held the camera out. And I went to take the picture, except when I held it up, I don't know if you had this happen, the lens was the other lens, the lens had flipped. And the picture wasn't facing me, it was my mom. And I caught this glimpse just of my mom in the other end of my phone, just for a second. I was expecting to see me, but I didn't. I saw her. And I saw my mom.

• 1:21:50Ed Mylett?

  And it just struck me looking at my mom through this lens, when I was expecting to see it through the lens that would see me. I just had this flash of seeing my mom differently. And ironically, seeing my mom see me, if that makes sense, because she was watching me take this picture. And it flipped the lens, it switched the lens for me instantly to where, let me explain. I saw my mom seeing me, not me seeing my mom. And in a minute, I was just flooded with all these thoughts. What does my mom see of me? Now, obviously, I'm her only son, she loves me. I'm not referring to those kind of things. What's the lens through which my mom has experienced me?

• 1:22:36Ed Mylett?

  And I thought, does she, you know, obviously she sees me at holidays or whatever, you know, and, and we talk on the phone. But her lens of life looking at me, and it dawned on me, in life, we see every relationship we're in through our lens, through how we see them and how we see them seeing us. I don't want to get too deep here, but that's completely different than seeing them as they see us. And I thought, what's my mom's experience with her only son? Does she get the time with them that she wants? Is the depth of our conversations to the extent that she would like them to be? Am I in a hurry too often when I see her? Do I take it for granted too often? And then that day, as I was driving away, I started to picture all the relationships

• 1:23:21Ed Mylett?

  in my life that meant something to me through their lens of looking at me. The last time my daughter saw me walk in her room, the last hundred times, how did I respond? What did she see? What was my mood? What were our interactions? What were the topics? How much was laughter? How much was intense? How much was just looking at our phones? And I started to see my daughter and the lens through which she sees me. Her conversations, her experiences, does she see me stressed, worried? Does she worry about me? What are her thoughts about me? Am I too brief? Do I stay on the phone too long? Am I helping her? Do I listen to her like I need to? And it flashed to several of my friends. And a lot of those friendships, I thought, well, they're, they're just in maintenance mode. I see them and when I see them, I see how much I love them and believe in them and

• 1:24:05Ed Mylett?

  think they're awesome and funny. But when they look through their lens at me, do they see a man who loves them, who believes in them, who thinks they're funny, who listens deeply, who cares about them deeply? Do they see that through their lens? It's a trip. When you begin to see other people in your life and just you consciously, when you're with them or you think about them, switch that lens around and look through their eyes at you.

• 1:24:31Ed Mylett?

  You'll learn a lot real quickly. It's actually very humbling. And it's interesting that you could go your entire life, if you didn't hear this or think about it, only seeing life through the lens of your own eyes outward and never flipping it to their eyes outward.

• 1:24:49Ed Mylett?

  And I just thought about so many different relationships in my life, so many of them that I think are going very well, or I'm going to get around to it, or I feel a sense of emotion with this person, or depth of friendship. And then I flashed to one buddy of mine and like, wow, the last three times he's replied to me, he called me, I replied with a text, he hasn't even seen me in many months. And when he does see me, what did he see in those conversations? What did he hear about? What did he feel? What did he experience? And he goes, I've said many times, you're always making people feel something. So you should be intentional about what it is they're feeling, but they're also seeing and hearing things all the time as well. It's a very interesting way that we go through this life, almost in this projection, almost

• 1:25:33Ed Mylett?

  in this dimension that we live inside ourselves and we see everything from our perspective. But we almost never stop and see it from theirs. And this isn't the old adage of put yourself in their shoes. I'm saying, put yourself in their lens. What do they see, feel, hear and experience from you? It'll shock you how much you overestimate some relationships, the depth of them and the extent to which they feel the things you assume they feel from you or about you. And then I switched it from that to my business relationships, some of the people I'm in business with that I have in maintenance mode, you know exactly what I mean.

• 1:26:14Ed Mylett?

  But the last 20 times my assistant saw me walk into the office, what did she see? Did I stop and talk? What was her lens? Did I ask about her children? Was there a depth of exchange there? Was I in a hurry? Did she see me stressed? Did she see me worried?

• 1:26:29Ed Mylett?

  Was I caring and kind or was I rude and flippant or short? And then I thought, now take that last one and the one before that and the one before that. And what about the last 30? What's the lens that she sees me through? People that I'm in negotiations with now, I stop and think, what's their lens? What are they seeing? What are they feeling? What are they experiencing before this conversation and after? And it's absolutely changed the way that I interact with people. It's made me connect more deeply. It's made me care more deeply. It's made me more conscious and intentional about my interactions with people. And can't, frankly, in many senses, somewhat ashamed of how maintenance mode so many relationships

• 1:27:13Ed Mylett?

  have been in, how passive I've been, the lack of depth, the surface level conversations, how I'm brief with certain people, how certain people have seen me in stress the last four times they've seen me. And it changes you deeply. It certainly has changed the way that I look at my relationship with my mom, probably most. You know, I'm her son, so she loves me, but you know, do we have conversations as friends? Do I know her as an individual outside the family or do I just know her as mom? How would, I, I caught my mom saying to me the last three or four times we talked, thank you for calling me. And I thought, my mom shouldn't have to thank me for calling her.

• 1:27:57Ed Mylett?

  I didn't feel right about that. And so this lens thing is fascinating. That was a great conversation. Be sure to follow the Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way.

• 1:28:10Speaker 01

  If you've got an insurance question, you could talk to your Nana, but she'd probably just tell you how she insured her couch from stains by covering it with plastic. Or you could talk to your local GEICO agent. They'll give you a different kind of warm and fuzzy with personalized assistance for all your insurance needs, like how you could be saving on your policies. So let your Nana cover her couch in plastic and let a local GEICO agent help cover you, but not in plastic. To find a GEICO agent near you, visit GEICO.com/local.

• 1:28:41Speaker 06

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• 1:29:06Ed Mylett?

  Welcome back to Max Out, everybody. I got him right there. That's Goggins, everyone. Number one requested guest, you don't know this, for my show the last two years is you.

• 1:29:18David Goggins?

  Really?

• 1:29:18Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, yeah, really.

• 1:29:19David Goggins?

  Honored.

• 1:29:20Ed Mylett?

  Honored. And I gotta tell you, the best by far off-camera conversation I have ever had is what we've been having. I think you would agree, it's been good for you too.

• 1:29:27David Goggins?

  100%.

• 1:29:28Ed Mylett?

  It's been good for both of us.

• 1:29:29David Goggins?

  It's been real good.

• 1:29:29Ed Mylett?

  And hopefully that'll transition over to, to the show itself. But this, this is a gentleman who completed Navy SEAL training, Army Ranger training, Air Force Tac P training. I believe he's the only person in history to do that.

• 1:29:40David Goggins?

  Yes, sir.

• 1:29:41Ed Mylett?

  This is a guy who did three hell weeks, 60-plus ultra marathons, run with broken bones for 30 miles to get into one of the mega ultra marathons. And a lot of people calling him the toughest man alive, but I'm excited because I get to call on my friend now. I've enjoyed this conversation so much and I think you guys are going to join the on-camera one. So this is Goggins, everybody.

• 1:30:01David Goggins?

  I appreciate you having me, man. Thank you.

• 1:30:02Ed Mylett?

  Thank you. So this whole thing that you did, you get out, we, we can't cover the whole military thing because I want them to read the book, right? But then you're like, hey, you've really never done any of this before, but this is sort of the formula of what we're talking about. Then the, then the military thing ends and then you're like, yeah, I'm gonna go like run, uh, I'm gonna do the Badwater 135.

• 1:30:22David Goggins?

  My cardio was 20 minutes every Sunday on the elliptical trainer.

• 1:30:26Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 1:30:27David Goggins?

  That was it.

• 1:30:27Ed Mylett?

  That's it.

• 1:30:28David Goggins?

  So I'm looking at all these different races and one comes up, number one, the hardest race in the world, Badwater 135, 135 mile race through Death Valley. I'm like, that sounds fucking nuts. But I didn't, but it didn't describe that it was like a couple day race. I'm thinking, okay, that has to be like a fucking seven day race. Cause I don't know people who run like that. So I end up calling Chris Cosman up. Chris Cosman is the race director of Badwater and he lives out here in California. He's like, hey, man. I'm like, hey, Chris, I call him up in the first conversation, I actually have all the emails in my book.

• 1:31:06Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:06David Goggins?

  For me, him going back, he's, he's a fucking stickler, man. I'll tell you that. So I call him up, I said, hey, man, I'm gonna do this race. He's like, have you ever run a hundred miles before? I'm like, no. He goes, well, to get my race, you have to do a hundred mile race and you gotta do a hundred miles in 24 hours or less. There was only two more races I could do before the deadline dropped. And so I'm like, he goes, you live in San Diego, right? I'm like, yeah. This was Wednesday. I call him up on a Wednesday morning. He goes, well, there's a race on Saturday.

• 1:31:37David Goggins?

  And it's a, it's, it's called a San Diego one day at Hospitality Point in San Diego, where you run around a one mile track for 24 hours, it's how many miles you can get. So I'm like, fuck it, man, this guy's kind of calling me out. I'm, I'm gonna get this shit done. I'm a SEAL. I'm a badass. Been through Ranger School and shit. I got this. Hardest thing I did in my entire life, dude, was this one race. So I go.

• 1:32:03Ed Mylett?

  Harder than, than getting through?

• 1:32:05David Goggins?

  Hell, yeah. I was not prepared.

• 1:32:08Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 1:32:08David Goggins?

  At all. So I go, I sign up for the race, I show up, I'm this big bodybuilder looking guy, shirt off, black hat on, you know, and I'm, I set out. So every mile, I'm gonna see this blue lawn chair, I had Rich Crackers and Myoplex. That was my fucking nutrition, man. No water, no, this.

• 1:32:29Ed Mylett?

  No water?

• 1:32:30David Goggins?

  No. Rich Crackers and Myoplex, dude.

• 1:32:33Ed Mylett?

  Come on.

• 1:32:34David Goggins?

  I fuck, you know, I never drank water on runs and shit. I fucking didn't know about all this shit. So I go out there and I'm running, I get through 50 miles, I'm gonna cut to the chase because I detail it really well in the book.

• 1:32:46David Goggins?

  I get going, I sit down at mile 70. And buddy. I hadn't sat down yet. I sit down and everything falls the fuck apart. Literally, man, I'm like peeing blood down my leg. I have some crap coming out of me. And I got thirty fucking miles to go. And I'm in the worst shape in my entire life. And so, I won't get too deep into it, man, but I end up going back through my cookie jar and I talk about, you know, my, my, my cookie jar is basically something I invented about. We forget how badass we are when we're suffering. Cause our mind just stays right there and suffering. The cookie jar is a reminder. You know how your mom used to have the cookie jar, you like, you know, you don't know what kind of cookie you're gonna get.

• 1:33:31David Goggins?

  But it may be oatmeal raisin, maybe choc- chocolate chip meat, cause you know, she's dumping in that motherfucker, she's grab one and go. So my cookie jars, the things I've accomplished, failed at, didn't fail at, just, just kept on grinding through. So I take this one second, I calm down, so I realize, okay, man. I gotta be able to just stand up first, come all dizzy and lightheaded. And I go through this process. And I said, I might quit, but not yet. I go, this is the worst shape of my life. So I said I might quit. Because when you're not gonna quit something, you got thirty miles to go, your mind's spazzing. Like, I'm fucked up. Like, I, like thirty miles is a long way to go. Just fresh. I've already gone seventy, I'm in the worst shape of my life. I'm like, okay, so I, I'm giving my mind some space.

• 1:34:14David Goggins?

  Cause if you don't give it space, it's just gonna freak out. So I'm saying, you know what, I'm gonna quit, but let me just sit here for a second and drink some water. Now, now I'm drinking water. I, I have my crew going over to get some fucking, you know, nutrition, some, some food for me, I'm getting better. So now I stand up. Like, wow, I'm able to stand up now. Cause I wasn't able to, I was all lightheaded. And I'm going on this track, and I get to mile eighty-one, and I wasn't gonna make the time, cause I was moving slow.

• 1:34:40Ed Mylett?

  You're behind time.

• 1:34:41David Goggins?

  Way behind. And this is the, this is the craziest thing in the world. And I fucking shit you not. I'm in the worst shape of my entire life, ever. I've never even been close to this. Again, never. Mile eighty-one, I'm not gonna make the time, as slow as I was moving. And when your body and mind connect, and I think this is the only time I've ever done this.

• 1:35:09David Goggins?

  You become a cyborg. I end up running twenty miles at about a ten, fifteen mile. And get done with that race, I did a hundred and one miles in nineteen hours and six minutes.

• 1:35:25David Goggins?

  And to this day, and I don't, and I don't detail it well with you, but in the book I do. I learned more from that nineteen hours and six minutes than I did in all three hell weeks. Ranger school, and this is months. Ranger school was sixty something days. Hell week and, and, and all the buds is six months. I was in, I was in buds for like eighteen months. You know, I went through Delta Force Selection twice, you know, pull-up records. I learned more in that one race that I wasn't prepared for, that nineteen hours brought me from

• 1:36:01David Goggins?

  utter misery, happiness, failure, success, depression. I went through every fucking emotion in the world in nineteen hours. And you should hear how, how the race ended. Then I really took a shit on myself. Like, I got in that blue chair when the race ended. And I literally, it just was over. I was in the worst shape of my life. I got in the tub, and they put the shower, or she put the shower on me, the showers hit me as I'm laying in the tub in the fetal position. And what came out of me looked like dirt, as I'm peeing. It's, it's, it's not even blood, this is, this is dark brown dirt. And I'm sitting there, and she calls my mom, and my mom has a doctor friend over her house.

• 1:36:45David Goggins?

  And this guy's one of the best doctors in the country. And he's like, um, you need to get him to the doctor, now. So what I'm about to tell you is gonna fuck you up. So I'm sitting there, and I think I'm, I think I'm gonna die. And worst shape of my life, and I'm in this tub, and I'm jackhammering, and this, and I had this hot water hitting me. And I'm literally in the worst pain, my, my shins, my feet, I'm broken. And I'm just sitting, I'm cramping up, and she says, we gotta get you to the doctor. You know, your mom's worried, I'm worried about, like, I, we've never seen this before in my life. And I go, I'm not going anywhere.

• 1:37:27David Goggins?

  I wanna sit here and enjoy this pain. And, and I, and I know the listeners hearing this are gonna say, man, you're a fucking nut. No, I'm not.

• 1:37:40David Goggins?

  What I got a chance to experience in that nineteen hours and six minutes of my life was something, I didn't want any painkillers. I, I, this was proof positive. What I was feeling is what I just did. I, I did something without training, without coaching, without a cheering staff, without any knowledge. I took a raw human being with no training whatsoever, put him out in a condition. And just through this alone.

• 1:38:17David Goggins?

  Got through it. And I sat there, and I was like, this is, it was the best feeling I've ever had, and will ever have in my entire, I was in the worst pain in my life, and it was the best feeling I ever had in my life. Not because of the pain I was in. By the pain was confirmation of my God, did I just do that? And I had completed hell weeks, but that right there was like, don't take this from me. And, and it was confirmation, proof positive that this young kid that came from shit, that wasn't shit, that lied and cheated for, I was now

• 1:39:03David Goggins?

  the truth. I was now the truth. I was a Navy SEAL. I went through Army Ranger School as Honor Man. I went through all this shit. I, I was truth. I became truth. There was no more lie. And what's funny about all that is the people in my life, who were in my life when I was bad, and I call it bad, wasn't bad. I had a fucked up way to go, man. They wanna, they're still out there, and they know what the fuck I'm saying, I, I ain't gonna drop names on them. They wanna take me back there. They're mad that I'm here.

• 1:39:43David Goggins?

  They wanna still make me out to be what I was. They don't like the fact that they're still where the fuck they're at.

• 1:39:50Ed Mylett?

  That's right.

• 1:39:51David Goggins?

  They hate that. So on this journey in life, there's a lot of people who are fucked up right now. On the journey, there's always be that motherfucker in the sewer you came from? That's grabbing at your fucking ankle as you're leaving that sewer? That's wanna drag you right the fuck back down because you figured it out. They're not willing to figure it out. It's not much to figure out. Only thing to figure out is this. And everybody has a different equation. My equation is different than yours. My equation was very different than most people's. And it's not about being sadistic, it was just about that that right there was kinda like

• 1:40:32David Goggins?

  the moment of my life where I realized, I don't like to say that I've arrived. Because you never wanna have that I've arrived mentality, cause you stop. But that was the moment that I realized that I was.

• 1:41:05Speaker 01

  If you've got an insurance question, you could talk to your Nana. But she'd probably just tell you how she insured her couch from stains by covering it with plastic. Or you could talk to your local Geico agent. They'll give you a different kind of warm and fuzzy with personalized assistance for all your insurance needs, like how you could be saving on your policies. So let your Nana cover her couch in plastic, and let a local Geico agent help cover you, but not in plastic. To find a Geico agent near you, visit Geico.com slash local.

• 1:41:35Speaker 09

  Mr. President, my company told me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is.

• 1:41:45Speaker 02

  Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us out. From the director of Birdman and the Revenant.

• 1:41:51David Goggins?

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You're stalled, you're freezing there, that's what.

• 1:41:56Speaker 02

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:41:59Speaker 09

  I'm not the first nanny.

• 1:42:00Speaker 02

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under seventeen. Not a minute without parent.