Exclusive: The Onion Wants a Bowl Game. (Seriously.) Let's Make It Happen, America.

First, they came for the conspiracist Alex Jones — and won. Now, "America's Finest News Source" is trying to make The Onion Sports Bowl a real thing, on ESPN, in the name of (satirical) journalism. CEO Ben Collins takes Pablo behind the scenes of an uphill battle, a ridiculous writers' room and a last-ditch effort... with some demanding star power. • Subscribe to The Onion https://membership.theonion.com/ • Subscribe to PTFO on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@PabloTorreFindsOut/ • Previously on PTFO: How The Onion Finally Shut Up Alex Jones for Good https://pod.link/1685093486/episode/NjllNjUzYTI5M2ZkMGY1ZGUwZjMyYWRh (Pablo Torre Finds Out is brought to you by Apple Card.) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Pablo Torre?

  Welcome to Pablo Torre Finds Out, brought to you by Apple Card. I am Pablo Torre, and today, we're gonna find out what this sound is.

• 0:08Speaker 01

  Pablo didn't give enough of a [BLEEP] to do the interview here himself. Is that, is that where we're at? That's great. What's he doing? Like, getting a guy fired somewhere?

• 0:18Pablo Torre?

  Right after this. This episode of Pablo Torre Finds Out is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8. And look, I've chased down a lot of strange stories, but nothing quite like what's inside a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. It is 100% fresh beef, cooked right when you order it, with no artificial flavors, colors, fillers, or preservatives in the beef. The onions are hand-topped by someone who knows the perfect amount by memory, two slices of cheese and a star, and two pickles side by side. So every bite gets both. And every time one's ordered, a cowbell sound rings in the kitchen. That's the grill master's cue to put a fresh patty on the grill. My move?

• 1:02Pablo Torre?

  QPC, fries and a drink after a long day of recording. That is my happy place. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink, now $8 for a limited time only, only at McDonald's. For a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery. This episode is brought to you by Apollo.io. A lot of the stories on this show start the same way. Something that looks pretty simple turns out to be a mess once you look under the hood. Well, it's no different in the sales world. Your team has a tool for finding prospects, a different tool for reaching out to them, and a third for keeping track of it all.

• 1:48Pablo Torre?

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• 2:31Pablo Torre?

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• 3:22Pablo Torre?

  You have a folder in front of you, Ben Collins.

• 3:24Speaker 02

  Ooh, I do.

• 3:24Pablo Torre?

  Don't open it yet.

• 3:25Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 3:26Pablo Torre?

  Thank you for being here, though.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  Of course. Thank you for having me.

• 3:29Pablo Torre?

  CEO of Global Tetrahedron is how we remind people that you were here back in April, in that capacity.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  Yes, that's correct.

• 3:36Pablo Torre?

  And some have pointed out that that episode, which we loved and was consumed by many, had nothing to do with sports.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  That's correct, yes. I will say, though, like, a day afterwards, you want to pull it to press. So whatever happens tomorrow is gonna be sick for you.

• 3:53Pablo Torre?

  Well, what we did on that episode in particular that did get some attention was, uh, join forces to break the news of how your company kinda pulled a fast one on this guy. I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the friggin frogs gay.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Do you understand that?

• 4:14Speaker 02

  Serious crap. It's funny every time.

• 4:16Pablo Torre?

  It really is.

• 4:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:18Pablo Torre?

  It really is funny to be the arch-nemesis, Ben Collins, as you are of Alex Jones.

• 4:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:23Pablo Torre?

  Co-founder of Infowars, and perhaps the figure who individually presaged the era of alleged news and online information and disinformation and bullshit advertising and bullshit products that we are all currently, I guess, attempting to survive still.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  Like, the government is that now. So like, now we're all, you know, taking supplements and stuff because we don't even know what lettuce is gonna give us diarrhea. It's really cool. I love that. So I'm glad that we're making fun of it now instead of just, you know, living in it helplessly.

• 4:48Pablo Torre?

  Right. I'm glad also that you've brought Tim Heideger of Tim and Eric fame into this same dynamic as he does this.

• 4:56Speaker 03

  We, we, we, we, we've confirmed that Alex Jones, the former custodian of Infowars, has passed on at the age of 52. It is a little confusing. People are trying to wrap their heads around that he looks like a 70-year-old man, at least. But he was 52 and he passed on, when he exploded in his own vehicle.

• 5:19Pablo Torre?

  What's the last you've heard from Alex Jones?

• 5:21Speaker 02

  He went on some podcasts with a couple of those Austin comedians that are like, losing their minds right now. And they said that we're going to be guillotined for doing free speech violations.

• 5:32Speaker 03

  The guy that says he's wearing my skin, not Ben Collins, the other one.

• 5:36Speaker 04

  I've only met Tim Heideger one time. He was horrendous.

• 5:39Speaker 05

  I'll, I'll tell you about that.

• 5:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:41Speaker 05

  But first, I want to say this. Dude, guillotines were invented for a [BLEEP] reason, man.

• 5:47Speaker 02

  That was the last time I heard from him. He didn't seem like he was in a great spot. But, all right. Fine by me.

• 5:55Pablo Torre?

  So for the record here, your company, Global Tetrahedron, owns The Onion.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:01Pablo Torre?

  The world's leading satirical news outlet. You yourself, for those not familiar, you're a recovering reporter. We can call you that, I guess. You used to cover actual disinformation, extremism, the internet. For NBC News, that was your beat. And The Onion, under your direction, you guys took over Infowars in bankruptcy court to do right by the families of the victims of Sandy Hook. And for those who do not remember this part of the story, judges in two states found that Alex Jones was liable of defaming the families of the victims of Sandy Hook, of the shooting, which subsequently drove Alex Jones broke because of the historic settlement that he was legally obliged to pay, which also in turn allowed you to replace his Infowars domain and headquarters

• 6:43Pablo Torre?

  with an operation of fake news that is now about fake news.

• 6:49Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 6:50Pablo Torre?

  Which is also to say that Alex Jones, in a real sense, is alive. That is, that is-

• 6:54Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah. Alex Jones, that was a TV show. We were putting on a TV show.

• 6:59Speaker 03

  The Onion also plans to sell merchandise and share the proceeds with the Sandy Hook families, I mean, the Democrat Party, PR firms, fundraising groups. They are excited to lie constantly for cold, hard cash, but this time in a cool way, and will make sure some of it gets back to the families, they said.

• 7:16Pablo Torre?

  And to be clear, though, The Onion is an actual, it remains, as I remember from childhood, an actual print newspaper with a shockingly high circulation.

• 7:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, we have 86,000 subscribers right now. But that's kind of why we're here today, in part, is because, uh, no matter how many times we say this, like, I'm gonna say it direct to the camera. We have a real [BLEEP] newspaper. We need you to subscribe to the newspaper, please. Like, it's, it's an enormous amount. We are the fourth-largest newspaper in the country. But if we get to the third by the end of the year, everybody in my staff gets like, to go to Tahiti or something. I don't know, there's something like, they get bonuses. Regardless, I need you guys to subscribe to the paper. It's really good. You get it in the mail. It's really not that expensive.

• 7:55Pablo Torre?

  We're gonna get to the way, I think, that people might be enticed to help you guys get the 14,000 more subscriptions that allow you to pass Jeff Bezos' Washington Post.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:06Pablo Torre?

  Which is a real statistic that is not fake. And is therefore quite staggering to me. And there are the documents. And also, even more crucially, there are finally sports.

• 8:19Speaker 02

  Yes, here we go.

• 8:20Pablo Torre?

  The Onion has covered sports, by the way, for years. The Onion Sports Network is just one vector of that. But also, uh, more recently this, if you could read this headline from The Onion.

• 8:34Speaker 02

  Oh, please don't hurt me, everybody in LA. Lakers Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash.

• 8:41Pablo Torre?

  Yeah, you captured something essential after Bam scored 83, beating Kobe's 81, about what animates fans.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, you remember that, that like, brief period after, that week after it was disrespectful somehow for him to have scored that many points? I was like, I don't think that that's what basketball is. I think you're supposed to do it as many times as you can, but yeah.

• 9:03Pablo Torre?

  And then you followed it up with, uh, quote, "Shea Gildes Alexander trying to draw foul while shooting free throw."

• 9:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, my favorite part about that is that Shea Gildes Alexander was on the cover of Time Magazine. And the lead was the reporter in a car with him, asking him about this Onion article and the illustration, which is him just like, going like this, flopping around.

• 9:23Pablo Torre?

  Yeah.

• 9:23Speaker 02

  And he was like, yeah, this is, this is great. I would definitely do that if that was possible.

• 9:29Pablo Torre?

  Quote, "Trying to draw foul at the free throw line." That would be good.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  It's, uh, yeah, he's like-

• 9:38Pablo Torre?

  A ringing endorsement.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:39Pablo Torre?

  A ringing endorsement of your newsroom. And finally, there was also this.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  No one translated to foreign players why they currently in cornfield. It's just, obviously, the Field of Dreams game.

• 9:51Pablo Torre?

  Yeah, there's a photo of Dominican All-Star pitcher Christopher Sanchez, looking confused enough that one of his own teammates on the Phillies posted the article on Instagram on, I think, like, the team bus.

• 10:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, on, on the bus on the way home. That's like, that's how you know, like, it cut across everything, is that they... First of all, can you imagine being in the cornfield and really not having seen that movie? Being like, what [BLEEP] is, what's going on?

• 10:13Pablo Torre?

  But how big a part of The Onion's business is sports?

• 10:17Speaker 02

  It's been a big part of our company for a very long time. But this year, it just sort of took off in a way that we didn't understand. Baseball fans really got into what we're doing. We're constantly at the top of that baseball subreddit, for some reason. Our sports stories perform twice as well as any other type of story that we do. This was not like, on purpose or anything. It's just true, we have, we have good Onion sports writers. And this is from a long history of great Onion sports headlines, like Shaq misses second half with pulled pork sandwich. One of the best headlines of all time. One of my favorite Onion videos is, "Just give me the damn CPAC to draw ball." Ever seen this one?

• 10:52Pablo Torre?

  Oh, God, yes.

• 10:53Speaker 02

  It's foot volleyball, but you have to do like, bicycle kicks for everything, but the player is behaving like he's Randy Moss in like, 1998.

• 11:03Speaker 03

  Right now, news from the International Seapac Takraw League. Bad boy Nwinti Butch Tui is grabbing headlines once again. The Chonbury Tigers have announced that they have suspended Tui, a record fifth time this season, citing his public criticism of Coach Hotong Laff for not running the offense through him more. Once again, here are those controversial comments from Tui. I am the best player on my team. Just give me the damn Seapac Takraw ball.

• 11:30Pablo Torre?

  I am tempted to just do an episode about Seapac Takraw.

• 11:33Speaker 02

  I mean, it's sick.

• 11:34Pablo Torre?

  It's all, I mean, to your point, like, what if volleyball was all bicycle kicks?

• 11:38Speaker 02

  It's like the best idea for a sport. Why don't we have that here, actually? It's gotta be a thing we do.

• 11:44Pablo Torre?

  Unfortunately, what we are here to do is something else.

• 11:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:47Pablo Torre?

  But this thing, which you guys are pleading, pleading for help with, it turns out.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:53Pablo Torre?

  It's almost as exciting as destabilizing the Alex Jones intellectual property empire. Because this thing that you're going up against with, I think, well, we'll let the audience decide, but with intentions that I think are worth explaining.

• 12:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:09Pablo Torre?

  It's as big an opponent as you've ever gone up against.

• 12:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's the sports industrial complex. Like, I love finding, like, big indomitable things and just being like, nah, see what's up. We'll try to 300 this thing.

• 12:23Pablo Torre?

  Which is to say that you and your colleagues at The Onion are trying to do what?

• 12:27Speaker 02

  We're trying to buy a bowl game.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  What an idiot.

• 12:31Pablo Torre?

  I mean, just like a real Pop-Tarts, eat your heart out.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, kinda thing.

• 12:36Pablo Torre?

  Yeah.

• 12:54Pablo Torre?

  So this is where I gotta say that I did not have any idea how to buy a college football bowl game or how much that might even cost. And when I initially heard about this thing, I did think it was a bit.

• 13:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:06Pablo Torre?

  Like it was a fake headline, but it's not. Although, it did kind of begin as a bit.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  It sure did.

• 13:14Pablo Torre?

  On Blue Sky.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:16Pablo Torre?

  Almost two years ago now.

• 13:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, so two years ago, I was watching the Pop-Tarts Bowl and I said, we're only two years away from the Onion Premium Sex Bowl, featuring the two worst teams in the country. It's nine quarters long and there's no penalty for roughing the kicker. And obviously, I probably had a drink or two at the time when I posted that.

• 13:33Pablo Torre?

  It was funny to watch this happen because, like, there's Spencer Hall, our friend, college football writer, saying, write the check, Ben. Bobby Silverman, noted MSG surveillance reporter, saying, we gotta start a GoFundMe. And then...

• 13:46Speaker 02

  Immediately, someone responded to me, named Matt Brown, who runs a great blog.

• 13:49Pablo Torre?

  Yes.

• 13:49Speaker 02

  Called Extra Points. And he was like, I looked into this once and it's really not that expensive.

• 13:56Pablo Torre?

  And then you reply?

• 13:58Speaker 02

  Say more.

• 13:59Pablo Torre?

  And so, we did call up Matt Brown here to say more. My name is Matt Brown. I live in Chicago and I'm the founder and publisher of Extra Points, which is a newsletter that covers business, policy, and off-the-field stories around the college sports industry. Yeah, look, we do happen to live in a world now where just a guy with a newsletter about sports business, like Extra Points, can now just be doing sports business himself. If I'm writing about the finances of college sports, maybe participating would make some sense. And I had a couple of calls with ESPN, and ESPN Events, about doing this. And I learned that, you know, for my company to sponsor the New Mexico Bowl or an FBS Bowl game, it would be prohibitively expensive.

• 14:42Pablo Torre?

  You know, these tend to start around $400,000 at that, which is, you know, at this point, what my company makes in a year. Wouldn't really make sense. But those aren't the only bowl games. We have postseason events at other levels of football. And I remember getting a press release a couple of years ago from a company called Open Doors. If the New Mexico Bowl is 400 grand, I wonder how much money it is to get in the Division III space. It turns out, not very much at all. It's about $5,000. Which is shocking. That's like cheaper than the new MacBook Pro.

• 15:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think, didn't he wind up purchasing like the Division III National Championship for $5,000?

• 15:20Pablo Torre?

  So there's like a runners-up game.

• 15:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:22Pablo Torre?

  In D3, on streaming television. And what Matt Brown does is, apparently, gets on the phone with the commissioner of the D3 North Coast Athletic Conference, to talk about, you know, the particulars of the Extra Points Bowl, in fact, for his newsletter. And they ended up then partnering with an even more established authority, you might argue, on college football. And I remember she was talking to me and said, hey, I got this call from this other group that wants to buy a secondary sponsorship. They're called the Sickos Committee. Have you heard of them? I don't know if I wanna go tell my other presidents that the Sickos are sponsoring this. Like, no, listen, trust me, they're just nerds. They're harmless. They just really care about Ohio Northern football and there's a mascot called the Polar Bears and they wanna give you money. And once they got on the phone with them

• 16:07Pablo Torre?

  and they realized who these people actually were, then she was thrilled. Being a part of this kind of event, I think, is a good exercise when you realize that you don't have unlimited resources about how silly you could possibly be. Now, I think it's important for both of us here to just quickly assure people that the Sickos Committee may well be a bunch of perverts.

• 16:25Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 16:25Pablo Torre?

  But just like not in the way that should be scary to big football.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  Exactly right. This is how I knew it was kismet, by the way, is because the Sickos Committee is named after the Sickos guy, who's this guy, there you go. He's, you know, staring in a window.

• 16:38Pablo Torre?

  You're showing him on YouTube right now.

• 16:39Speaker 02

  Exactly, it says, yes, ha, ha, ha, yes.

• 16:41Pablo Torre?

  Fogging up the glass.

• 16:42Speaker 02

  There he is, fogging up the glass, exactly. You've probably seen this guy out in the world before. Anytime something messed up is going on in the world but you want it to keep happening, like when Elon Musk and Donald Trump are threatening to kill each other on the internet.

• 16:54Pablo Torre?

  Yes.

• 16:54Speaker 02

  Like, people kept posting that guy, right?

• 16:56Pablo Torre?

  This meme is everywhere.

• 16:57Speaker 02

  Yes, the Sickos Committee is that. They will watch, you know, if there's a football game happening and it's hailing outside or it's like 3:00 in the morning because it's in Hawaii or something, or it's 0-0 at the end of regulation, they'll alert their people that, you know, there's true Sicko [BLEEP] happening right now on TV. You should watch it. You know, they have a top 25, which includes mascots and teams and coaches and, like, concepts. They're wonderful people.

• 17:22Pablo Torre?

  The illustration is an Onion cartoon.

• 17:25Speaker 02

  Yes, it was printed on the Onion.com first and foremost. And it was done by our guy Ward Sutton, who is also known as Stan Kelly.

• 17:32Pablo Torre?

  Yeah.

• 17:33Speaker 02

  Who pretends to be the dumbest cartoonist in the world for us. So when that happened, I was like, look, I don't know, this just feels like the right thing to look into and see if we can figure it out.

• 17:44Pablo Torre?

  And so, the Sickos Committee, as mascoted by an Onion illustration, they end up spending, by the way, 500 bucks. It's all it costs to get their logo in the end zone. The website Defector also joined them. This was at the Extra Points Bowl. And I guess one difference, though, between what you are trying to do now and the Extra Points Bowl, God bless it, is that you and The Onion, you're not trying to, you know, settle for a D3 bowl game.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, we want the whole shebang here. And we wanna make a big play. If we're gonna make Onion Sports a big deal, which we're about to do, and we wanna get to 100,000 subscribers, you know, why not be on ESPN with like Kennesaw State versus Liberty or something?

• 18:29Pablo Torre?

  So, so we've been crunching the numbers here. So everyone can just understand the dominance of the aforementioned worldwide leader, my erstwhile employer, when it comes to bowl games. Because this bowl season alone, 38 of the 43 bowl games, this is all D1 Football Bowl subdivision games, 88% of them are broadcast on ESPN or ESPN-affiliated networks. And 17 of these games, in front of this, you know, fairly captive audience of like, you know, drunk or stoned Americans over the holidays, yeah, they're owned and operated by something called ESPN Events. And on the roster as potential candidates here are...

• 19:09Speaker 02

  The famous Idaho Potato Bowl.

• 19:11Pablo Torre?

  The Boca Raton Bowl.

• 19:14Speaker 02

  The Serve Pro First Responder Bowl.

• 19:17Pablo Torre?

  And the Myrtle Beach Bowl. Not all of these have title sponsors.

• 19:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:22Pablo Torre?

  Quite yet. Although, you know, I do think there is, for the record, just a famous gift shop in Myrtle Beach called The Gay Dolphin.

• 19:29Speaker 02

  They should really look into it.

• 19:30Pablo Torre?

  So perhaps there's just a bit of competition down south in the gay animal Alex Jones coaching tree.

• 19:36Speaker 02

  If we get beaten by the Gay Dolphin Bowl, I'm not gonna be mad.

• 19:40Pablo Torre?

  But this all creates, according to this press release, "a wall of live sports for ESPN Events." And I'll quote it, "Over 400 hours of live programming on ESPN platforms, reaching 60 million viewers and attracting more than 650,000 annual attendees."

• 19:55Pablo Torre?

  And so how do you guys at The Onion first attempt to infiltrate this wall?

• 20:02Speaker 02

  So with the help of Matt Brown, I took him out to drinks. He's, he lives in Chicago, I live in Chicago. I said, like, so how do you do this? Like, who do you call? And they're like, okay, so you call this guy ESPN events and he can talk, talk you through it and go from there. So we called him and he put us in touch with another guy named Rusty Reed, who is an Ole, Ole Miss quarterback from the 90s who sells bowl games. Nice fellow. And he started looking into this for us and he was like, I got some ideas for you. Let me, let me figure this out. So he sent us a, a big list of bowl games that you could buy for the price of like a rich guy's wedding. And we're like, okay.

• 20:38Pablo Torre?

  Rusty Reed's Twitter bio is ESPN College Football Bowl Negotiator.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  That's what he is.

• 20:42Pablo Torre?

  Former Ole Miss Rebel quarterback.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  Dude, he rocks.

• 20:44Pablo Torre?

  What a perfect name for a ESPN College Football Bowl Negotiator, Rusty Reed.

• 20:49Speaker 02

  He and I talking, it's like John Wayne trying to talk to like a smart fridge. It's like, it's just not happening, but it, it's amazing and we both really love doing this. So, you know, he went out there and, and he tried to pitch it because we originally pitched this as the Sickos Bowl, because we have the Sickos guy and we're gonna, you know, see what happens. And we wanted to get the community, the Sickos community.

• 21:12Pablo Torre?

  Yeah.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  In on this thing. However, when you go to pitch that to, you know, the college football community, they're like, oh, they're doing, doing the sex pervert bowl for sex perverts. That's their first thought. And he was like, no, it means something else. And they're like, no, it kind of doesn't like.

• 21:27Pablo Torre?

  Kind of looks like a dude fogging a glass, really enjoying it.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  Right. When you further explain it with a perverted guy looking in a man's window, it doesn't really assuage any concerns in that situation.

• 21:41Pablo Torre?

  This is part of the political problem that you're in.

• 21:45Speaker 02

  Yes. That's the other thing here is like, there's the politics of the onion. Then there's the politics of whatever the this is. Like, there's just like, it's another thing. And I will say like, yes, we are, you know, horrific sex perverts or whatever you want to call us, it's fine. But in this football game, that's not what we're trying to do. We're trying to do a bunch of like gags.

• 22:01Pablo Torre?

  Well, the idea that you might first start by going for which bowl did you first target?

• 22:06Speaker 02

  The Frisco Bowl was the first one.

• 22:08Pablo Torre?

  Yeah. Right. Which is, you know, at the Cowboys new practice stadium.

• 22:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:13Pablo Torre?

  Ford Center at the Star Wednesday before Christmas. How did that one sort of feel?

• 22:18Speaker 02

  ESPN sort of stepped in and was like, I don't think they even wanted to have that conversation with those people. They're like, I can just, I can sense how this might go.

• 22:27Pablo Torre?

  Yeah.

• 22:28Speaker 02

  Yeah. So they tried to usher us towards the New Orleans Bowl. Cause like, I don't, you've been to New Orleans, right?

• 22:33Pablo Torre?

  Dude, it's the greatest host city.

• 22:35Speaker 02

  It might be the best American city. It's like this incredible place. Yeah, it's debauched and fun.

• 22:40Pablo Torre?

  It's so concentrated around like Bourbon Street and the surrounding area in a way that like, you know, again, shout out to Houston, but like you're sort of spread across a zillion feet. And this feels like a small town is hosting something and everyone is drunk.

• 22:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it's the only place I've had a crawfish boil outside of the back of a pickup truck at three in the morning. It's like, I don't think you can do that anywhere else, anywhere in the world.

• 23:03Pablo Torre?

  Of Final Fours and like events, NBA All-Star weekends that I've been to New Orleans. It's so fun to see sports figures just puking.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:13Pablo Torre?

  Big cosign on that. This, by the way, would be at the Superdome.

• 23:17Speaker 02

  That's what we were thinking is like, it also announces us in this totally over the top ridiculous way, right?

• 23:22Pablo Torre?

  And what were you willing to sort of spend at this point?

• 23:25Speaker 02

  Like, you know, mid six figures, like a good chunk of change, right? We thought we could, you know, make it back in subscriptions and also just have a good enough time that they would want us back next year too.

• 23:34Pablo Torre?

  Part of what I, I, I found out is, is that in the course of trying to get the New Orleans Bowl, which is two days before Christmas and, you know, last featured the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, beating the Golden Eagles of Southern Mississippi. Yeah, you need a clearance from something called the Greater New Orleans Sports Foundation, which was, you know, operating in partnership with the city and state. What is that?

• 23:59Speaker 02

  Uh, good question. We need to get approval from all these sorts of people and they were the final boss. They were the, uh, the Christmas adventurers' clubs. We just needed to get them signed off. Maybe that's a little mean.

• 24:15Pablo Torre?

  Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. In case they don't love that illusion, it's worth clarifying. Uh, as I, as I looked this up, that it's a sports foundation, getting funding. Well, including apparently a million bucks in slot machine tax proceeds from the generally conservative state of Louisiana, a place where for the record, they only last year executed a guy with nitrogen gas.

• 24:38Speaker 02

  It did.

• 24:39Pablo Torre?

  But in this case, your PG 13 pitch resulted in what?

• 24:45Speaker 02

  Just a no, just a straight up no. I called, I called Rusty and, and his, and his boss, Rob, and I was like, so what, what happened? I was actually here when, when the call happened because they were like, it's, it's gonna be fine. We're gonna be okay with it. And they're like, it's just, it's just politics. It's fine. And I was like, guys, we're not gonna burn Donald Trump in effigy at, you know, at midfield at halftime. We're gonna do that two years from now, just like, give us some time. We're not all the way there yet. Uh, we're just gonna do some bits. We're gonna do a bunch of bits. And they were like, it's, we can't commit some.

• 25:17Pablo Torre?

  Well, this is where I think we might be of service because one thing that I've learned is that our audience is not just full of people who resent, uh, shadowy cabals. It also is listened to and watched by some members of shadowy cabals.

• 25:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, cool.

• 25:32Pablo Torre?

  And I think.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Well, how did you get them? That's a really tough audience, man. I'm really proud of you.

• 25:36Pablo Torre?

  It's a real important demo.

• 25:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:37Pablo Torre?

  You've been advertising in all sorts of, uh, yeah, secret country clubs no one even knows about. Um, but I think showing people the drawing board might help.

• 25:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, sure. I love that.

• 25:55Pablo Torre?

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• 26:40Pablo Torre?

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• 27:25Pablo Torre?

  Head to dell.com/deals. That's dell.com/deals.

• 27:38Speaker 03

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• 28:15Pablo Torre?

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• 28:44Pablo Torre?

  So I think this is where, as we join forces here in making our pitch that The Onion deserves a real college football bowl game, despite the, you know, relatively conservative tendencies culturally speaking, but perhaps more than that of ESPN events in the state of Louisiana that have gotten in the way. I want to acknowledge there is a bit of a standard bearer in the world of college bowl games when it comes to being real weird.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Biggest edible mascot snack refuse of all time.

• 29:19Pablo Torre?

  Ben, can you describe what you're seeing?

• 29:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're murdering these Pop-Tarts.

• 29:26Pablo Torre?

  They're lowering them into a toaster.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:29Pablo Torre?

  As they dance and then emerge.

• 29:30Speaker 02

  They're eating the corpse.

• 29:32Pablo Torre?

  They emerge toasted as the head coach of the BYU Cougars eating a Pop-Tart's body.

• 29:39Speaker 02

  There are a lot of things at BYU, but they're not vegan.

• 29:43Pablo Torre?

  There was a bunch of signage, the strawberry Pop-Tart is saying, "Live your dream," as he is. I guess it's like a fun euthanasia. But then, yeah, gigantic toaster. I just gotta say, this is crazy and accepted.

• 30:01Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:02Pablo Torre?

  So we're setting the...

• 30:03Speaker 02

  Public execution, fine.

• 30:06Pablo Torre?

  Exactly. Still in the realm of snuff, but apparently snack refuse.

• 30:13Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:13Pablo Torre?

  Passes the bar.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Those Pop-Tarts had eyes and mouths. I'm just saying, those are the most anthropomorphized things that you could kill on TV.

• 30:20Pablo Torre?

  I think my daughter would be worried.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:22Pablo Torre?

  If she were to watch this cold, only to watch them eat it warm. So, look, the Onion Sports Bowl on ESPN, the challenge is, you gotta top that.

• 30:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:31Pablo Torre?

  You gotta figure out a way to innovate around that. And so, to make the case here, and our audience is various foundations who may or may not be governing, as yet unsponsored bowl games, as ESPN is owning and operating the forces surrounding all of this. I wanna sort of figure out what you guys in the writers' room have been proposing for what the broadcast could actually be.

• 30:56Speaker 02

  Okay, here we go. I'm a little scared, to be honest with you. Okay, here's the first one. The original football. We have a huge treat for the fans. We're bringing out the original football that was first years in the inaugural 1869 game. It's an old-looking football that we bring out in a wheelchair. We ask everyone to rise and cheer slash salute this important piece of football history.

• 31:17Pablo Torre?

  I've often joked that all you need, to get like a million people to watch anything, is just put a football on a table. A football in a wheelchair is a level beyond what I had previously imagined.

• 31:27Speaker 02

  It's really stupid. That's the tone that we don't have any budget for this.

• 31:32Pablo Torre?

  I do like the idea, though, of like, can we also get an impersonator for Kirk Herbstreet's golden retriever?

• 31:40Speaker 02

  Oh, yes.

• 31:41Pablo Torre?

  Follow the football.

• 31:42Speaker 02

  It kills the football.

• 31:45Speaker 02

  It's made 150 years and it couldn't survive this one dog.

• 31:49Pablo Torre?

  But, okay, calling the game, speaking of who's in the booth, what's the approach?

• 31:52Speaker 02

  Okay, I guess that's next here. Okay, too many guests in the booth. The way regulars use in baseball games always have a bunch of guests in the booth, we do this in the football game. Broadcast interviews old legendary players, made-up guys, local business owners, winners of sweepstakes to nervously help call the game for a little while. In a college football game, historian, just a revolving door of people interrupting the action.

• 32:16Speaker 02

  It is a great idea to just have the too many people in a booth second quarter.

• 32:21Pablo Torre?

  I think that this is a real boon also to just like the local actors in the area.

• 32:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:27Pablo Torre?

  Are gonna get an opportunity of a lifetime.

• 32:28Speaker 02

  It says winners of sweepstakes, too. So we get like four or five guys in there, just all trying to do play-by-play with each other.

• 32:34Pablo Torre?

  If Myrtle Beach is interested, guess who's a Myrtle Beach native?

• 32:37Speaker 02

  Who's that?

• 32:38Pablo Torre?

  Vanna White.

• 32:39Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 32:40Pablo Torre?

  Perhaps an actual local legend who might... You know, I think it's time, I think it's time to get Vanna White to flip some letters.

• 32:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:47Pablo Torre?

  On a broadcast.

• 32:48Speaker 02

  Of course. Like, and we should just get her the old board back. Like, she's gonna miss the actual physical turning.

• 32:53Pablo Torre?

  I agree.

• 32:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:54Pablo Torre?

  I agree. In terms of game day productions, inside the stadium also, I think it's important to remind people that if you get this deal, you're not just the title sponsor that gets shown on TV. You also have all of these screens inside of the building.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:11Pablo Torre?

  And as a Jumbotron appreciating program, I do wanna explore what's possible there.

• 33:17Speaker 02

  Sure, of course. Okay, here we go. The hat shuffle with no resolution.

• 33:24Pablo Torre?

  So the hat shuffle, of course, like, you know, a ping-pong ball's hiding under one of three hats, and they all move around real quick.

• 33:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is a hat shuffle that appears on the Jumbotron every now and then, but there is never a conclusion, there is no winner. Big waste of time for everyone watching.

• 33:39Speaker 02

  What I love about this is people will be at a football game, so they'll be probably drunk, and then they'll just get madder and madder.

• 33:45Pablo Torre?

  Furious.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  I mean, it sounds like a really nice time.

• 33:48Pablo Torre?

  I think that it's a logical conclusion of our gambling industrial complex. And look, traditional Jumbotron fair, you know, I appreciate when the kiss cam goes bad.

• 33:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:59Pablo Torre?

  But perhaps there's a way to innovate upon that.

• 34:02Speaker 02

  Okay, here we go. Handshake cam. Kiss cam, but for formal handshakes. The announcer gets really excited about how businesslike all the handshakes are on the Jumbotron. Yeah, I think that's a great... You wanna try?

• 34:13Pablo Torre?

  I mean, what is more appealing to Donald Trump than two men just like fighting over who gets to be?

• 34:21Speaker 02

  See, that's the thing, is it has... Immediately, I didn't even know the premise going into what I was doing there, and immediately I realized I was in combat.

• 34:29Pablo Torre?

  Immediately, I felt like I needed to prove myself in a way that my father would be proud of.

• 34:35Pablo Torre?

  I love that idea.

• 34:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think it's good. I think that's one of those things that if we do that right, it's gonna happen everywhere. You're gonna get the firm handshake cam [BLEEP] everywhere.

• 34:44Pablo Torre?

  And at least one pair will make out.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 34:48Pablo Torre?

  Statistically speaking.

• 34:49Speaker 02

  It's not perclusive of making out at all.

• 34:50Pablo Torre?

  No, not at all.

• 34:50Speaker 02

  Not even... It doesn't say anything about making out, yeah.

• 34:53Pablo Torre?

  What else can we do with the Jumbotron?

• 34:55Speaker 02

  Okay, there's more.

• 34:58Speaker 02

  Counter-programming the Jumbotron. For those game attendees who aren't super into football, we played the entirety of Jurassic Park or some other movie on one of the Jumbotrons at a low volume.

• 35:08Pablo Torre?

  The substitute teacher cam.

• 35:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:11Pablo Torre?

  In which you just roll out the AV cart, and you're watching some of the velociraptors break into a kitchen.

• 35:16Speaker 02

  The iPad baby fan zone.

• 35:18Pablo Torre?

  Also, the logical conclusion of the second screen experience is...

• 35:21Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 35:21Pablo Torre?

  You don't even need to watch the game.

• 35:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. As they're lining up to punt, and they take the extra five yards, and you're just sitting there. Like, what else are you gonna do? You should just look up and see Jeff Goldblum.

• 35:32Pablo Torre?

  I'm sure that the Onion's budget will be well-spent to license the IP of Jurassic Park for two hours.

• 35:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, that shouldn't be anything, right?

• 35:40Pablo Torre?

  I think Universal would be very...

• 35:41Speaker 02

  Just the easy 20, 30, $5 million, whatever.

• 35:44Pablo Torre?

  There's a real bargain to be struck there, I think. But we do have one last Jumbotron idea.

• 35:49Speaker 02

  The ejection cam. A Jumbotron segment where everyone it lands on gets ejected from the stadium. It's gonna be done by using planted actors to sit in a few places around the stadium, and when the camera lands on them, people in stupid mascot costumes grab them and lead them away. I feel like the sense of dread, the palpable dread, that it could be you.

• 36:08Pablo Torre?

  I feel like if anyone out there in the Department of Homeland Security is like, this game feels like it's not us.

• 36:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 36:17Pablo Torre?

  Here we go.

• 36:17Speaker 02

  It would also be great to have somebody out there in like a UNICEF shirt, just like handing aid to people. They're just ejected because they're on the cam.

• 36:24Pablo Torre?

  I mean, when you buy a game, you know, you could do all this stuff, but you do get ad slots?

• 36:32Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. You get eight ad slots to do whatever you want, and we're gonna use them.

• 36:38Pablo Torre?

  What are you gonna be marketing at the Onion Sports Bowl?

• 36:41Speaker 02

  Well, first of all, I'm gonna say to the camera again, you need to buy the [BLEEP] newspaper. The newspaper, you need to buy it. It's not expensive. You get it every month in the mail, it's great, it's a good deal. Like, we'll have a $75 sale, it'll be great. Get it for your dad. That's one thing that we're gonna be in. But then we also have a bunch of products that aren't necessarily like fully real that we would like to promote, such as dog blood.

• 37:03Speaker 03

  I drank this, and I felt like I was 15 again. Wow. This stuff is different, it kicks in fast. And it lasts all day. And night, I feel more focused, more energized, more aroused. What's it taste like? Dude, it is so good. This stuff is for real. And it doesn't make me all jittery. It makes me shake, but not all jittery. It's like a good shake. This stuff is for real. I feel more focused, more energized, more aroused, it kicks in fast, and it can last all day. It's for real, I feel more focused, more energized, more aroused. It makes me shake, but in a good way. All night. I'm sold. Everyone should drink this.

• 37:39Speaker 02

  By the way, to see in the office like a three-quarters empty bottle of a thing labeled "dog blood" before they shot this, and I had no idea it was happening, I was like, oh no. What's coming?

• 37:49Pablo Torre?

  Please tell me Kirk Herbstreet's dog is okay.

• 38:01Pablo Torre?

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• 38:45Pablo Torre?

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• 39:30Pablo Torre?

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• 40:13Pablo Torre?

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• 40:55Pablo Torre?

  Plus, Cozy's free one-on-one design consultations make the whole home vision a lot less intimidating. Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan because Cozy makes every part of the process easy. So, visit Cozy today. That's C-O-Z-E-Y.com and make yourself at home. So just to survey again the currently available list of bowl games that we are personally pleading with. The inaugural Puerto Rico Bowl is still available? Ooh, that could be cool as well. Yep. Bad Bunny, help us out, dog. Oh, we love that. We would love that.

• 41:37Pablo Torre?

  Also, I do believe that Alex Jones once called Puerto Rico "an island full of garbage" Oh my god. from which Hillary Clinton was caught, quote, "smuggling kids," end quote. Hillary Clinton is in Puerto Rico with the Clinton Foundation now with children, okay? I mean, I don't want to, you know, let's not get too deep into this, but let's remember.

• 41:55Speaker 03

  But she's been caught smuggling kids out of Haiti and Puerto Rico. Her top person was convicted of it.

• 41:59Pablo Torre?

  It's a natural pair. A natural pair to be on the other side of that. Yes, that's a good thought. Yeah, I'm all in. Let's go. But I do think in terms of the respectability of all of this, the one thing we did not have in that folder is one of these, you know, what you need to sell anything, you need like some familiar face, a figure from the mainstream who can perhaps, you know, shake hands with some executives, who can provide something like an adult perspective on how to be on ESPN. And for that reason, we did want to bring in one possible recruit for you.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  This is like NFL when they go, Kenny Maine, UNLV, you know, that, right? So I did go there. I was gonna be a real journalist, like Pablo Torre. I was gonna work for Frontline by now. And then I shifted to where I would make like marijuana references over NBA highlights or say resist to say, "to [bleep] with Trump." Like a block shot, "You shall resist." So that's my career. Pablo didn't give enough of a [bleep] to do the interview here himself. Is that, is that where we're at? That's great. What's he doing? Like getting a guy fired somewhere?

• 43:16Pablo Torre?

  We're trying to get a guy hired somewhere, actually. Kenny Maine, legend of, of course, SportsCenter, UNLV, and the run he had at ESPN until he became a self-described salary cap casualty. Yeah. Five and a half years ago, something to be admired. But this is, this is what we've been doing. We went and informed Kenny Maine that this might happen. Yeah. And he told us that dude's a real fan of what you did for the Sandy Hook families in a very real way. And, you know, he's been trying to get in touch with you guys. Yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 01

  I actually reached out to The Onion. It was a sign of desperation, but I honestly, I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I'm, we're kind of like-minded, I would argue. We got this bowl game coming up. The one thing, it would be great if they sent me like the W9 form because then you know you're getting paid that we haven't, it's sort of a situation ship or like, what was Trump's thing, a concept of a plan? We're right, we're at that stage. I could end up covering for The Onion or being like a figurehead for it. And we signed my deal at half. We could just hold out all the way till then. So I don't know what the [bleep] is going on. They're like a junior high newspaper.

• 44:33Pablo Torre?

  We'll be dangling a briefcase from the top of the stadium with his contract. It's a money in the bank situation. I do think that threading unemployment to Kenny Maine for at least a half is a good idea. But as someone who's trying to repair his reputation as a guy who just gets guys fired, I do think that the W9 form is, you know, a bit of a, as any freelancer in media knows, a sacred text. And given that I have been smelling a bit of the desperation from you guys to get this done. Yeah. There is one more document inside the folder. Okay, here we go. Okay, cool. The W9 form is right here. We'll have it signed by the end of the day. Kenny, we're getting you the W9, I promise. We want you a part of the team. But there's also.

• 45:18Pablo Torre?

  Oh, list of demands. Attached as appendix A is Kenny Maine's list of demands. He's got a rider. Yeah. Kenny's got a rider. I didn't, I didn't know that. He was like Rihanna. This is crazy. The very first thing is first-class travel implied, so he didn't have to say it. He's like, obviously. An elite hotel. Okay, we got those in Chicago. $400 cash per DM, sure. Icelandic water, room temperature, and Jalisco region papaya in sweet, in sweet-style green room. Onset chiropractor, I think that's, that's fine. They're, Kenny, they're fake, but that's a different Pablo episode. Yeah. Onset intimacy coordinator. Look, those handshakes, who knows where they go? Yeah, sure. He doesn't know them trained for that, so that's great. Compliance training waiver, obviously. Title sponsor sport coat, size 42 long.

• 46:03Pablo Torre?

  Let's keep it, keep it tight for post-game trophy presentation, matching with other dignitaries. 60-40 revenue split on all secondary sponsorship deals, backend points, zero added to day rate offer, and cover of Teen Vogue for launch of product. I love that. We regret to inform Kenny Maine that Teen Vogue folded into Vogue magazine a year ago, for the record. R.I.P. It was a great place. And unlike The Onion, has not had a print edition since 2017. Yeah, that's unfortunate. Well, we can bring back Teen Vogue for him and. I think that's doable. Yeah, I can sign this thing. And so there is, I believe, a line there. Yep. Ben Collins, CEO of Global Detriment for you to sign. And here is. That's perfect. I will. PTFO pen.

• 46:47Pablo Torre?

  I will get this set up here. Let's see, is there anything else? I mean, the papaya is gonna be the hardest part of this whole, you know, [bleep]. Let's go for it. There we go. It's all set. Jalisco region. Make sure of that. Yep, very good. Look at this guy. All set. There it is. I think we have a shot. Let's put it this way. If this won't fund independent print journalism. Yeah. I don't know what will. I completely agree. We need to capture people at their most vulnerable, which is like next to their families, hammered drunk on the nog. We do it with the Boca Raton Bowl or some [bleep]. Like, that's how we're gonna do it. We're gonna get, we're gonna get them while they're vulnerable. One wheelchair and football at a time. Yes, exactly right.

• 47:31Pablo Torre?

  And by the way, make it clear, Kenny Maine, not a bit, joining Onion Sports Network, regardless of what happens here. It is important to point out when something is totally fake and when also real. I do think you have the very least a handshake deal. Yeah, we do, yeah. And a really scarily signed waiver now that I really have to deal with. This has been Pablo Torre Finds Out, a Meadowlark Media production. And I'll talk to you next time.

• 48:28Speaker 03

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