Staff Review With Brian Kiley

Conan sits down with comic and staff writer Brian Kiley for a look back on their storied partnership over the years. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  Now Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:05Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:08Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 0:13Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 0:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 0:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  Aw man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 0:25Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 0:37Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place so you can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 1:03Conan O'Brien?

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• 1:04Speaker 01

  Always.

• 1:05Conan O'Brien?

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• 1:11Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 1:11Conan O'Brien?

  Each pistachio is thinly, not thickly, thinly dipped in dark chocolate antioxidant goodness.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  The way you said that, thinly and thickly was uncomfortable.

• 1:22Conan O'Brien?

  It doesn't overwhelm the pistachio. They know what they're doing. I'm so glad they made the right choice.

• 1:28Conan O'Brien?

  Or discover Wonderful Pistachios Dubai Chocolate, the sweet indulgence you didn't know you needed with rich dark chocolate, smooth white chocolate, crispy katafi, and a delicious crunchy pistachio. I'm telling you, snack time never tasted so good.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:42Conan O'Brien?

  Look it up in history. It never has. Never has.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Can you?

• 1:46Conan O'Brien?

  Check out wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more about Wonderful Pistachios chocolate products.

• 1:55Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Wanna talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

• 2:04Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, Conan O'Brien here. Normally, on Thursdays, we drop a fan episode, but I want to do something a little different today. On Monday, I talked to Dennis Leary, and he was chatting about a comic we both love, a Boston comic, Brian Kiley. Brian is working with me in my office right now on the Oscars. And I thought, hey, Brian's in the building. Let's get him in here. He knows all the dirt on me. Anytime I do anything where I need great jokes and everyone else is busy, I get Brian Kiley.

• 2:38Speaker 03

  I'll take it, guys. I need to work.

• 2:40Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, I really cast a wide net, and no one wanted to work with me. No, Brian, we've, I mean, our story's kind of crazy. We've known each other since we were kids because you would chat with my brother Luke at our Catholic instruction class that met at the Synecy. What town was that in?

• 3:01Speaker 03

  In Brighton.

• 3:01Conan O'Brien?

  In Brighton. We were in Brighton on the top of a high hill. These nuns taught Catholic instruction on Monday afternoons. I think you and my brother Luke started chatting with each other about the Bruins and the Red Sox. And I was in the corner doing bits for a snowman.

• 3:20Speaker 03

  Yes. It's insane. We went to CCD, which is Catholic Sunday School, the same place. I would sit next to Luke, and we would talk about the football games the day before, which we would still be doing now. We were like eight years old or nine years old. You were in my brother's dance class. And then Dan, Dan.

• 3:37Conan O'Brien?

  Say that a little slower, because it said you were in my brother's, it sounded like you were in my brother's dance class. I was not in your brother's dance class.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  I thought that's what he meant. No, no, no, I'm sorry. My brother Dan and Conan, sorry, were in the same class. And then they both.

• 3:54Conan O'Brien?

  You were in my brother Lamaz's class. What? You were, I was not in a Lamaz's class. No, his name's Lamaz.

• 4:04Speaker 03

  No, so Dan and Conan were in the same class and then they went to Harvard together.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  And then my brother Dan would show me the Harvard lampoons. And he'd be like, remember Conan O'Brien? And he would show me these things, which were great. First of all, the class of eighty-three didn't do nearly as well as the class of eighty-five. We didn't, we didn't go to Harvard, Luke and I.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  You dummies.

• 4:28Speaker 03

  I know. But we'd read these lampoons and then I kind of followed your career because I knew you were on The Simpsons and SNL. But I would have walked by you on the street not known you. Do you know what I mean? Because I hadn't seen you since.

• 4:41Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you would have been like, wow, who's that guy? He's got riz.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  In like the eighties and the nineties and stuff? He'd be like, riz?

• 4:48Conan O'Brien?

  He was using riz back then.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  Oh, wow, okay.

• 4:51Conan O'Brien?

  Me exclusively. That guy's got riz and I don't know what that is.

• 4:55Speaker 03

  I still don't know what it is.

• 4:57Conan O'Brien?

  But so I, I think you came to work on Late Night. I'll never forget, you came in one day and you were wearing an Irish cap.

• 5:06Speaker 03

  Sure, sure.

• 5:07Conan O'Brien?

  And you were, because you were a very funny stand-up, everyone knew who you were. And you were chatting with a bunch of, of the writers in the hallway because you were visiting.

• 5:16Speaker 03

  Right.

• 5:16Conan O'Brien?

  And this is early, early days of, very early days of The Late Night Show, like ninety-three. And I see you in the hallway and I'm like, hey, we know each other and we chatted a little bit. I pushed a button that said, please get him out of here. You were immediately taken away by NBC pages and a robot.

• 5:36Speaker 03

  Right. I kept asking, what's riz?

• 5:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 5:41Conan O'Brien?

  And then shortly after that, there was an opening for you and you came and started writing jokes for me and you've, I mean, my White House Correspondents Dinner, both of them with Clinton and with Obama. I mean, everything I ever did, the two Emmy shows and all the Late Night shows I've ever done. And then last year's Oscars, you wrote amazing jokes and now you're, we're working again on this year's Oscars, March fifteenth, tune in. And. So I thought, wait a minute, this is a chance to get Brian to come in, and we could settle old scores.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  Yes, yes. All right, let's do it. Ironically, my first day of work was March 15th in 1994.

• 6:27Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, you're kidding?

• 6:28Speaker 03

  No, no, the Ides of March. So now that's when the Oscars are.

• 6:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 6:32Speaker 03

  Oh, cool.

• 6:32Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, it is, um, no, you, you have, uh, as you know, I've told you this a million times, you're one of my favorite comedians. You have such insanely great jokes, and you're so disciplined about having great jokes. Um, my favorite thing to do is an impression of you

• 6:51Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 6:51Conan O'Brien?

  doing the filthiest material ever at the Apollo Theater. Because, because you and I are the whitest comedians in the world, and you are the cleanest comic. You never go blue. And you always are wearing, in my impression, you're wearing a blue blazer, which is very you.

• 7:06Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 7:06Conan O'Brien?

  And, uh, hello, hi, how are you? And then you go into the filthy, I mean, stuff that would make Red Fox blush. And you do it at the Apollo in Kill. And it's just really like, you gotta wash that ass.

• 7:21Conan O'Brien?

  Ladies, you gotta wash that ass. So I'm going, and, and your, your enunciation is always so perfect, and you're so friendly and pleasant. And so I would do this routine called Kylie at the Apollo. And it was one of my favorite things to do, because I get to be really crazily blue. But it's not me, it's you.

• 7:39Speaker 03

  Right, right, right. Well, you've done it for my friends like Gary Gulman and some other, but they always report back to me like they're dying.

• 7:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, you was a really filthy comic. And then the minute your set's over, you go back to your dressing room, and you open up a giant book on Truman, and sit on a metal stool, a little metal chair, and read it in your perfectly creased, you know, chinos and blue blazer. And then eventually the guy comes back and says, get your ass back out there! And you're like, oh, okay. And you go out, and then you completely, you're even filthier the second time.

• 8:10Speaker 03

  Yes, then I go into my bee stuff.

• 8:14Conan O'Brien?

  So, um, yeah, but I'm just, uh, I've got my oldest Kylie riff, because I like to have riffs on each writer, was that you're, you work out a lot, you're very disciplined, you have this very, uh, powerful-

• 8:27Speaker 03

  I know what's coming, right?

• 8:29Speaker 01

  I know what he's gonna say, too.

• 8:30Conan O'Brien?

  He's got a powerful, uh, very strong chest, arms, shoulders, I mean, this guy is, is just, you work out, but I noticed a while ago that, I don't think you work your legs out as much, and so I started to riff on this, and then eventually, your legs became vermicelli, and there were whole riffs about people in a restaurant, you can't go to Italian restaurants because people try to twirl your legs under their fork, and, um, I mean, I would, these bits would-

• 8:57Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 8:58Conan O'Brien?

  They would go on forever.

• 8:59Speaker 03

  Yes, he's called them vermicelli, fusilli, uh, fiber optic cables, ribbon candy, I was, I was late one day last year because I had a doctor's appointment, and Conan told everybody I was late because I fell asleep, and a little girl braided my legs together.

• 9:19Conan O'Brien?

  And, I mean, this is the stuff I'll be doing on my deathbed, and what I remember, what, I, I forget all kinds of things, and my, my, my brain gets goofy, but the stuff I will never forget, and I don't care how bad my brain goes, you know, I don't care what happens to me, um, I could be in a deep coma, and if someone came into me and said, "Conan, Conan," you know, it's like, no, it's no good, he won't respond to anything, Kylie's here, "Vermicelli legs, a child braided them together, AT&T wants to talk to him about microfibers," and, and the same thing with, like, Berkeley Johnson, one of the writers, hilarious writer, he, I haven't seen him since he worked on the Oscars last

• 10:04Conan O'Brien?

  year, he came into the writer's room, and sat down, and within a minute, I went, I mean-

• 10:10Conan O'Brien?

  Berkeley Johnson told me, I think 20 years ago, that his dad owned a flag store.

• 10:15Speaker 03

  Right.

• 10:15Conan O'Brien?

  And I just like, "Yeah, why don't you tell that to your dad at the flag store?" I said that instantly. Those things I'll never forget. If I can find a little thing on a writer, that's going in the vault.

• 10:25Speaker 03

  Right. You'll forget your children's names, but not-

• 10:27Conan O'Brien?

  Don't look them now.

• 10:28Speaker 03

  Not the baby. Not a riff, not a riff that works.

• 10:30Conan O'Brien?

  No, a riff will always be remembered.

• 10:32Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 10:33Conan O'Brien?

  It's funny, because you were always there in the room with me just before I went out and did a monologue in any situation. I mean, all those late night shows, hundreds and hundreds, thousands of late night shows, you were always in the writer's room with me and in my dressing room, and it's just about time to go out, and we're going over the jokes. And the thing we noticed, and whether it was the White House Correspondent's Dinner, I'm just about to go out there and perform for Clinton or Obama, any of those situations, or the Emmys, or all the other different award shows, you and I would be together in a room, and I would start saying the worst things I could think of, like if I-

• 11:15Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 11:16Conan O'Brien?

  My, your favorite things seemed to be me making up jokes that I could never do in a million years and pitching those, and then acting out the crowd turning on me.

• 11:29Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 11:30Conan O'Brien?

  And we would be doing that instead of me reading the real jokes.

• 11:33Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. And there are things that you can't tell anybody. Yeah.

• 11:36Conan O'Brien?

  And they don't- Because they don't make sense. Once you, when you're in the room, it's, it, there's a room reality where it's working in this room, but then the minute you leave that situation, if you go home and try and tell your wife, they're like, "What are you talking about?"

• 11:48Speaker 03

  It makes no sense. And, and they'll, like, people will say, "Oh, is Conan really funny?" I'm like, "Oh, he's hilarious." He's going to give me an example, and I'll have a rollick deck of like 100 things. I go, "Nope. I can't tell any of those."

• 12:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, because they don't make sense.

• 12:02Speaker 03

  No, they don't make sense, but, yeah.

• 12:11Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 12:14Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:17Conan O'Brien?

  Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen.

• 12:21Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:21Conan O'Brien?

  You know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 12:28Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 12:29Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade, and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 12:42Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:46Conan O'Brien?

  Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 13:01Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 13:02Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  It should!

• 13:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 13:36Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that one in four Americans targeted by scams end up falling for them?

• 13:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:41Conan O'Brien?

  You fell for one.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam?

• 13:43Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you didn't lose too much money, but you did lose.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  I did lose, and it was very inconvenient, and now they put protections on my account like I'm, uh, dumb.

• 13:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I don't know where they got that impression.

• 13:55Conan O'Brien?

  Criminals are now using AI to make scams look more realistic than ever. In 2025, AI fraud spiked 1,210% and cost Americans $893 million. That's incredible. Well, with AI, it can get so smart now.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:12Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 14:12Speaker 01

  Maybe I should start scamming.

• 14:14Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's not the point.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Oh, no, that's not the point of this.

• 14:16Conan O'Brien?

  That's not the point.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  It's so much money.

• 14:18Conan O'Brien?

  Sona can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft. Luckily, this is the point. Not that you should start scamming, but that everyone should get LifeLock.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  Right, right, right, right.

• 14:28Conan O'Brien?

  LifeLock has live US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft, from first alert to full restoration. This is fantastic. How do you not have this? If you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million-dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans. Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 14:58Conan O'Brien?

  With the US Bank Smartly Visa Signature Card, you earn an unlimited 2% cash back on every purchase. Huh, it's a good deal.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:06Conan O'Brien?

  No quarterly activations, no categories to track, just unlimited 2% cash back on every purchase. Sona, just the other day, I bought you this antique wig stand.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 15:17Conan O'Brien?

  And I didn't get cash back, and I regret it now.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. Well, that's a very thoughtful gift.

• 15:23Conan O'Brien?

  Do you wear a wig, or is that your hair?

• 15:25Speaker 01

  Absolutely not. It's definitely my hair. And so it's kind of insulting you would buy that gift for me.

• 15:30Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'll just return it anyway, but I do wish I got cash back.

• 15:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:34Conan O'Brien?

  Visit usbank.com/smartlycard to learn more. The creditor and issuer of this card is US Bank National Association pursuant to a license from Visa USA, Inc. Some restrictions may apply.

• 15:49Conan O'Brien?

  This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. Mental health awareness is on the rise, which is a good thing. And a lot of people, thanks to days like World Mental Health Day, which I think is October 10th, have people thinking about how to take care of themselves. And I think for some people, therapy can be a great way to support their mental well-being. Remember, therapy isn't just for big life choices. It can be a place to talk about relationship problems, work issues, or simply the sense that something feels a little off. With over 30,000 therapists worldwide, BetterHelp is one of the leading online therapy platforms. They serve millions of people globally.

• 16:31Conan O'Brien?

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• 17:08Conan O'Brien?

  One of your heroes, Bob Newhart, you were so excited when we thought of a bit for Bob Newhart.

• 17:17Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, Bob Newhart was one of my heroes.

• 17:20Conan O'Brien?

  And very much like Bob Newhart, you're a clean comic, amazing jokes, and you have, you do not have a hurried rhythm. And so you have your own thing, but you could see why, oh, this makes perfect sense. Bob Newhart would be Brian Kelly's hero.

• 17:35Speaker 03

  It was one of the coolest things. So Kevin Dorff came up with this great bit because we didn't want the Emmy show to run long. So the show's supposed to go three hours. So we have a tube with exactly three hours' worth of air.

• 17:45Conan O'Brien?

  Like a little glass box.

• 17:46Speaker 03

  A glass, a glass box. And if it runs, the show runs long, Bob Newhart's in the tube there.

• 17:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  And if a show runs long, then he dies.

• 17:53Conan O'Brien?

  He dies. And the great thing is he could do this without speaking. So who's better than Bob Newhart?

• 17:59Speaker 03

  With his faces?

• 18:00Conan O'Brien?

  With his face and his big sad eyes. And so he's out there and we put, we wheel him out and he's sitting on this stool. And I'm bringing this up for a reason. He's, because he's your idol, you haven't met him before. And we're at rehearsal and we wheel him out. We're gonna, the idea is we're gonna wheel Bob Newhart out in this box and then announce that he has three hours of air and then if the show's still going, he'll, he'll die. And he's sitting in the box. And it was great because we decided it's great if Bob doesn't know that.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  Right.

• 18:33Conan O'Brien?

  So he comes out and he's, he's kind of sitting on the stool and he's kind of happy to be there. And then I announced that he has, only has three hours' worth of air and he'll die. And you just see, because no one could do it better than Bob. That it registered with him what I'm saying and he doesn't say a word and he's also in an airtight box, so you can't see him. And he's just, it's registering, wait, what? And so Bob couldn't be there for rehearsal. So we had you sit on the stool and be Bob Newhart and we shot you. And then when Bob Newhart showed up, we showed him you doing it.

• 19:08Speaker 03

  That was the coolest thing to have Bob Newhart, so to have me being Bob Newhart for Bob Newhart was the coolest thing.

• 19:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it was so great.

• 19:15Speaker 03

  You're a stand-in. Yeah. And there was, there were so many, there were so, like, everyone on the show knew each other so well and there were so many amazing moments. I remember when, everyone knew, I was a big Red Sox fan. So in 2011, the Red Sox were in first place like September 1st and then they couldn't win a game for the last month. So at the very end of September, my dad dies and we fly to Florida, we go to the funeral, we come back and people are coming up to me, giving, offering their condolences and about 80% are talking about my dad, but then I realize 20% are talking about the Red Sox. So they say, oh, man, I'm really sorry. I'm like, oh, thanks. And they're like, well, there's, there's always next year. And it's like, no. There isn't that.

• 19:59Conan O'Brien?

  What do you mean, next year?

• 20:01Speaker 03

  And they're like, oh, it's their pitching.

• 20:03Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, it's gonna, they'll be back, back.

• 20:06Speaker 03

  Two totally different conversations. Oh, my God.

• 20:10Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, yeah, just so many, I mean, I can't, I associate you with just almost every moment of my career. You're always there and you're there again. And I don't know what I would do if you told me, yeah, I can't, can't help you this year. Um, I mean, I know I'd be probably even better off. Uh, no, I'm kidding. Um, no, you're, I just wouldn't know what to do.

• 20:32Speaker 03

  Well, we, you know, uh, we've, we've had this long bond and it's also just so many laughs. It's just so nice to actually have laughs every day at work, which is unusual. None of them translate and you can't tell anybody. Yeah. But we still have the laughs.

• 20:47Conan O'Brien?

  There's so much, I always thought the, just the meeting just before I go out and do, do a show, um, the card meeting, that could be so funny and not because of the jokes.

• 20:57Speaker 03

  Right.

• 20:58Conan O'Brien?

  And then, and then the meeting after the show.

• 21:00Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 21:01Conan O'Brien?

  Was always just fantastic.

• 21:03Speaker 03

  Well, the other thing is.

• 21:04Conan O'Brien?

  Cause then I could talk about like, if a guest was, really didn't deliver. We would talk about that.

• 21:11Speaker 03

  Oh, yes.

• 21:11Conan O'Brien?

  And it was, um, that was so much fun.

• 21:13Speaker 03

  That was so, but also.

• 21:14Conan O'Brien?

  I rooted against guests.

• 21:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:16Conan O'Brien?

  I wanted the show to tank so I could have a good postmortem meeting.

• 21:20Speaker 03

  But also, I remember, you know, Laurie and I would meet you with you right after lunch for the second.

• 21:23Conan O'Brien?

  Laurie Kilmartin.

• 21:24Speaker 03

  Laurie Kilmartin, who's.

• 21:25Conan O'Brien?

  Another amazing standup.

• 21:26Speaker 03

  Absolutely. And then you were normal and we would talk about our kids. We were talking about movies. We were talking about whatever. Do you know what I mean?

• 21:33Conan O'Brien?

  When was this? When was I normal?

• 21:34Speaker 03

  This would be like the one o'clock meeting.

• 21:36Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah. One o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah.

• 21:38Speaker 03

  And then the meeting right before the show is total insanity.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  And so the other writers only saw the insane parts.

• 21:43Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 21:43Speaker 03

  And it was like, no, actually, and be like, no, no, he can't be normal.

• 21:48Speaker 03

  No, no, no one believes us.

• 21:50Conan O'Brien?

  I was shocked that I was normal at some part of the day.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  I know. You were like, when was that?

• 21:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, prove it.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  I know.

• 21:55Conan O'Brien?

  Let's see receipts.

• 21:57Speaker 04

  Your 1:00 PM normal hour?

• 21:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. It's just not true. It just doesn't happen. Uh, no, and so I'm curious. I mean, this is really isn't a staff review. This is just, I love Brian Kylie and I want to talk to him.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:10Conan O'Brien?

  You better, you better, mm, be shipshape.

• 22:14Speaker 01

  Better do more leg days.

• 22:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:17Conan O'Brien?

  That would crush me.

• 22:18Speaker 01

  I know.

• 22:19Conan O'Brien?

  If you developed your legs.

• 22:20Speaker 01

  Yay.

• 22:21Conan O'Brien?

  Also, you know what I love about me giving you shit about your legs? Look at mine.

• 22:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:27Conan O'Brien?

  I'm, I, I mean, yours, it's so, I will, I will get on other people about things that I'm far guiltier of, which is the most crazy thing.

• 22:36Speaker 03

  Well, also, like, there are so many riffs on different things. And I remember, remember when that, uh, that Tommy Lee sex tape came out?

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:43Speaker 03

  And so we would, we wrote all these big penis jokes about Tommy Lee or whatever. So Tommy Lee's on the show and Conan's walking down the hall and Tommy Lee says, hey, Conan, I heard you've been doing jokes about me. And Conan said, yeah, about how big your penis is. Feel free to do the same about me.

• 23:03Conan O'Brien?

  And he was like, oh, yeah, right, right. And then he got it, then that's actually not a bad thing for people to be joking about. Yeah, remember that. He was like, oh, yeah. He was kind of menacing, and then he totally turned around. Oh, do more of those, yeah.

• 23:16Speaker 03

  That's a good thing.

• 23:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. One of your obsessions was you just always wanted to write jokes about how heavy Chris Christie was, Governor Christie, and he just, and so, and you were obsessed, so every packet, I get the joke packet. You're obsessed? No, no, he was obsessed. He loves, because it was all jokes, it was all jokes like, there was a 3.2 magnitude earthquake in New Jersey today, when that story would be in the news in the morning, like a slight tremor near Trenton, I knew on the way in, oh, God, this is all Kylie's gonna write today.

• 23:58Conan O'Brien?

  And then every joke was that setup, and then, yeah, apparently, Chris Christie joined a jazzercise class. Look how proud he still is. Apparently, and you would do this, and then, God forbid, God forbid, anywhere in the United States, these stories would come out, these human interest stories, and it would be like, a semi truck filled with candied hams overturned on Interstate, you know, 7, and 900 hams covered the highway in Iowa, period, when he heard, Chris Christie said, "I'll see you," whatever, "I'll see you in Denver." You know, like, he has to immediately get on the scene. Yeah. And, and...

• 24:43Speaker 03

  I don't know why he just didn't go to the supermarket and buy hams, as opposed to flying across the country.

• 24:49Conan O'Brien?

  It just seems so fiscally irresponsible. Anytime a truck turned over, or a blimp crashed and fried chicken spilled on the highway, when he heard, comma, Chris Christie said...

• 25:02Conan O'Brien?

  Is there a, is there a bullet, is, is there a jet that goes directly to that location? Uh, you, you, it was just, and to this day, when those stories break, and I eventually accused you of shooting out the tires of semi trucks. I came up with this idea that Kylie finds out what trucks are carrying, um, roast giant hams and roast beefs. And there's a giant truck carrying candy apples and it's headed through Nebraska. Cut to Kylie on a high hill. He's got the itinerary of the truck. He's got a scope with like this, he's like a sniper. And he fires, blows out the tires, it spills, uh, you know, roast beefs spill all over the

• 25:46Conan O'Brien?

  highway and Kylie starts submitting jokes. Even before USA Today has it.

• 25:50Speaker 03

  Well, I remember when they came out with the memo of like, no more fat jokes. And I was like, what?

• 25:56Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, he was devastated.

• 25:57Speaker 03

  And then people are coming up to me offering their condolences and I thought they were talking about my dad.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Did you do all the Taco Bell jokes too?

• 26:11Speaker 01

  Is that you?

• 26:12Speaker 03

  We did do a lot of Taco Bell.

• 26:13Conan O'Brien?

  He was getting paid by Taco Bell under the table.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  Well, that's, it was, we did a lot of Taco Bell diarrhea jokes and then we had to stop because they started becoming our sponsor, which is a great way to blackmail people into becoming a sponsor for the show.

• 26:25Conan O'Brien?

  You drove more companies into becoming our sponsor. And you know what would help? I mean, for the podcast, we're doing great.

• 26:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:32Conan O'Brien?

  But to have Kylie come in occasionally, let's pick a top brand that hasn't bought into the show.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:37Conan O'Brien?

  You go after them.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 26:39Conan O'Brien?

  With your, uh, with your special humor. And then the next thing you know, they'll call up and go, we gotta, we gotta stop this. Wow, I can't believe they bought Wendy's bought in, yeah.

• 26:50Speaker 03

  We had to send in a monologue for, um, remember they would have like a writer's guild award or something? So we had to type it up and we went through a bunch of them. So we came with one, it was like six jokes, like five, like really smart political jokes. We're like, this is perfect or whatever. And then of course the last one is a Taco Bell diarrhea. We're like, oh, we can't send that in there.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  You thought you were gonna have a smart monologue?

• 27:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  And they talk about Crept in there.

• 27:16Conan O'Brien?

  Anytime there was a moment where we thought, maybe we'll get a Peabody Award this year. Whatever we submitted had one Kylie diarrhea joke in there. And you just could see the Peabody committee, this is very good. They've checked all of our socially responsible boxes and...

• 27:32Speaker 01

  Diarrhea.

• 27:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 27:34Speaker 03

  You gotta keep it real, guys.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. I know.

• 27:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I owe you a lot.

• 27:38Speaker 03

  Oh, please.

• 27:39Conan O'Brien?

  You've cost me terribly, but I still owe you a lot. Uh, no, this was really fun.

• 27:44Speaker 01

  I know. What was your favorite event thing to work on with him? Like, what do you like them? What's more fun?

• 27:50Speaker 03

  I mean, the White House Correspondents' Dinner is pretty cool. Cause he'd do a joke and then they'd cut to Bob Dole laughing. And we had, or whatever, you know what I mean? So you see these people like that.

• 27:59Conan O'Brien?

  The next day, I did the Clinton and it went, the one for Clinton and it went really well. And this is when I'm still pretty new to people. I've only been on the air for like two years and, um, people are like, what? You know, this guy's gonna bomb. And you guys, uh, wrote just some amazing stuff. And I get up and I do it. And then the next day, I took my parents, my parents had come to see it. I took my parents out to dinner in Washington DC for brunch. And I'm just really happy that I made it and it worked out well. And I'm sitting with my parents at a table and Bob Dole walks by and he points at me and he says, "Good term limits joke."

• 28:40Conan O'Brien?

  I'm like, what? To have like one of the most powerful guys in the Senate say, "Good term limits joke," which was probably your joke, but...

• 28:47Speaker 03

  Well, and I also remember when you had a joke about, you know, I walked through the streets of, of Washington and it's like, this is where Jefferson was and, and Madison and Hamilton and Bono.

• 28:58Conan O'Brien?

  Sonny Bono.

• 28:59Speaker 03

  Cut to Sonny Bono, who was a congressman, and he's just kinda like, whatever.

• 29:04Conan O'Brien?

  Of course, tragically died two years later in a skiing accident.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  Alright, well, we don't know.

• 29:08Conan O'Brien?

  We got him while he was still around.

• 29:09Speaker 01

  He was there, yeah.

• 29:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  Jesus, why'd you have to bring up how he died?

• 29:15Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry, I just, I wanted to make sure people knew that this was, that he was hearing that joke before he died.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  Okay, you were making fun of him after he tragically died.

• 29:24Conan O'Brien?

  I would never do that.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  That's nice. Okay, good.

• 29:26Conan O'Brien?

  Cause he's not there to cut away to.

• 29:30Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 29:30Conan O'Brien?

  I have a heart and I'm practical.

• 29:35Conan O'Brien?

  You can't cut to a grave. It just doesn't look good. Well, I'm sorry. I've tried it.

• 29:43Conan O'Brien?

  It's called a comedy killer. Yeah, tell that to Sonny Bono, cut to, hey!

• 29:50Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 29:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Well, Brian, I'm glad you came in for your staff review. You know.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  Well, thanks for all the laughs and all that fun.

• 29:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you too. I mean, just so many, so many great jokes. There's one, I remembered when every celebrity was coming out with a cologne. And I, I thought you wrote this one, but it just, it just, it's still every now and then I think about it, which is like, Luciano, when Pavarotti's alive. Hello. And I said, and it was true, it was in the story that he had come out with a cologne and you said...

• 30:22Speaker 03

  No, this wasn't mine.

• 30:23Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wasn't yours?

• 30:24Speaker 03

  No, it was a great joke.

• 30:25Conan O'Brien?

  Luciano Pavarotti, you know, today Luciano Pavarotti released a scent, this time on purpose.

• 30:36Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 30:38Conan O'Brien?

  I was so happy with that one. I still think about that one.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  But that was not your joke.

• 30:43Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay. Well, I don't care.

• 30:46Speaker 03

  You know, I didn't, I couldn't do every fat joke.

• 30:49Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's true.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  Do you still remember all the jokes you wrote? Like, if you listened to his White House Correspondents' Dinner, would you be like, "I wrote that one"?

• 30:57Speaker 03

  Uh, you forget most of them.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 31:00Conan O'Brien?

  When I look through my whole career, I never know, you know, people will say to me sometimes, "Oh, that's so you, that joke. You must have written that one." And I don't even know anymore.

• 31:09Speaker 03

  No, no, and, and people would compliment me on a joke and they go, "That wasn't mine." And then I look at my computer, it's like, "There it is." It's like, "Oh, I didn't remember that at all." Yeah. That definitely happened.

• 31:18Conan O'Brien?

  How are we gonna do this year at the Oscars?

• 31:21Speaker 03

  Taco Bell diarrhea jokes? Well, you know, if, if Chris Christie.

• 31:24Speaker 04

  Yeah! Bring back Chris Christie!

• 31:28Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? Anyone listening, listen to the Oscars. If I walk out there and the first thing I do is say, "Folks, we've got a great Oscars, uh, uh, tonight. So many stars are here." But quickly, I just gotta mention, a truck carrying...

• 31:41Conan O'Brien?

  900 declares just overturned in Newport, Rhode Island. When he heard Chris Christie said, "Get me to Newport." Cut to Leo DiCaprio looking confused. Timothy Chalamet. Kylie Jenner laughing really hard.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  Oh, she's, she likes it.

• 32:01Conan O'Brien?

  She's like, "That's good."

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:03Conan O'Brien?

  Finally.

• 32:03Speaker 01

  She's your audience.

• 32:04Speaker 03

  Well, yes, and if he, Chris Christie, if he thinks it's the Oscar Mayer.

• 32:11Conan O'Brien?

  You could make an appearance, guys. Oh, God, you're the worst. Oscars, the hot dog people? No, the film award. Oh. You're gonna be calling him saying, "Would you do a bit where you keep running in with a bib?" Saying, "Oscars, are the wieners here yet?" No, Chris Christie. You're the worst. I'm just realizing right now, you have crippled my career.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:34Conan O'Brien?

  Get the fuck out of here. Brian, Kylie, God bless you, sir.

• 32:38Speaker 03

  Thank you so much.

• 32:39Conan O'Brien?

  Go Pats.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  So great to see you.

• 32:40Conan O'Brien?

  Go Pats. Uh oh, this is gonna.

• 32:41Speaker 03

  Oh, boy.

• 32:42Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, boy. We just changed it.

• 32:43Speaker 03

  Controversial.

• 32:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Over and out. Because when this airs, they'll have already lost.

• 32:50Conan O'Brien?

  I said it before.

• 32:52Speaker 05

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 33:09Speaker 05

  Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Dougherty and Lisa Byrnes. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.

• 33:39Conan O'Brien?

  Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lands skilled talent, that takes more than just an estimate you came up with.

• 33:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 33:49Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 33:53Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 33:55Speaker 01

  Uh, no, but maybe-

• 33:56Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries, remember?

• 33:59Speaker 01

  I know, I remember that. That was not good.

• 34:01Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters you can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit roberthalf.com/salaryguide.

• 34:22Speaker 06

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• 34:41Speaker 02

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• 34:42Speaker 06

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